#ive been upset about it like yesterday and the day before and lots of days bc i cant do things i wanna do but then

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

noo i do not haave attention deficit hyperactivity disorder i simply think the purposeful aiming of attention is a myth made up for i assume movies thats what people make up most things for like sex and being in love and i try to ride my galloping thoughts like im both the whipped horse and the cruel rider this is the nature of thoughts it's the human condition you simply try not to fall because if you fall your horse breaks its legs and stomps all over you until youre forced to commit a horse-human murder-suicide by shooting it in the head to relieve both its and your own suffering

[steampoweredskeleton]

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Ignore

[koolades-world]

Hello there! hope your day is going good and if not I hope it gets better.

I was wondering if I could request a scenario (you can do headcanon format) Where Mc is in a life or death because a lower demon is about to kill them and Mc actually kills the lower demon with their own magic. how would the undatables react/comfort Mc after they killed someone because their life was in danger.

Thank you in advance if you do decide to write and make sure to stay hydrated!

hi there! i can do that :)

hope you're having a great day too <3 just drank water with a liquid iv in it so hopefully im super hydrated now haha. i've had a bit of a sore throat for the past few days now so i've been really chugging water better than i usually have which says a lot! love me my 30 oz water bottle that goes everywhere with me

enjoy!

Undatables react to Mc killing a lower demon while defending themself

Diavolo

he's very proud of you but quickly goes on high alert

you've never seen him more serious

he's doing all sorts of things such as upping security measures and looking into the background of the now deceased demon to ensure your safety and to make sure there wasn't anything more behind the attack

he makes sure to give you a huge hug and lets you know exactly how he feels <3

Barbatos

if you hadn't killed them, he would've finished the job for you

since there's no work there for him to do, he'll be taking a visit to see that demon's relatives in the near future

in the meantime, he'll help you unwind and try to take your mind off it

perhaps a tea party with all your favorite treats and little d's there, if you'd like :)

Simeon

he won't ask questions and he'll heal you no matter what

even if you didn't get very hurt, he insists you stay under his care for a little bit

you'll get the best bedside care and soup ever

let him dote on you, it'll make him feel better too knowing you're safe in his arms <3

Luke

he's immediately freaking out

what do you mean a lower demon tried to kill you!!!

100% in tears and refuses to let you out of death grip hug he has on you

the next day, he gifts you an amulet with an angelic blessing on it and asks you to carry it everywhere with you. doesn't care if that means the brothers can't get anywhere near you now. better for him that way anyways haha

Solomon

he's very impressed!

gah they grow up so fast. it felt like just yesterday he gave you the nickname of his apprentice

deep underneath his gushing, he's worried but he knows that you're capable

even goes as far as to give a few little tips for the future. love at it's finest haha

Mephisto

he's furious with himself that he even let you get in that situation

he almost feels as if he's failed you, but he tries to hold up a facade of nonchalantness

it won't take much coaxing to break down this barrier and see how upset he actually is

if you notice him being extra loving in the next week or so, try not to comment on it but accept his affections

Thirteen

she's with you as much as she can be, but she knows it's just impossible to be by your side all the time

she's angry at herself and the now dead lower demon because that window of time when she's away is never very large

but, she knows you are more than strong enough to take care of yourself if it wasn't already apparent before

she'll make excuse after excuse to be with you until she eventually just spills the beans. she really cares about you <33

Raphael

he's gonna check you at least three times over to make sure you're alright

but right after he almost scolds you, in a loving way

he tells you he should've been the one to do it and that he should've been by your side

he was just very nervous he could've lost you, but is so proud of how you stood up for yourself <3

[moonsgemini]

seeking arrangements - iv

summary: With just two days left of before the wedding the celebrations continue. Going to a bachelorette & bachelor party when you’re a fake couple might cause some issues. Especially when Lola can’t seem to stop taking tequila shots & the liquid might have given her too much courage.

warnings: escort!rafe x oc, alcohol, angst, insecurities, fluff, thomas (he deserves a warning), shitty family, kissing

wc: 5.1k

an: I’m gonna be real I kinda hate this part, I feel like I lacked in every aspect lol. But it is done, & there’s two more parts to goooo. ALSO HELP I cannot get my comments to work. Like I can’t reply to people or comment on other peoples posts. It’s on in my settings I’m pretty sure so idk what I’m doing wrong.

series masterlist - previous part

“What’s on the agenda today?” Rafe asked before taking a bite of his bagel.

Lola was sitting next to him squinting at her laptop. She may have had the week off from work but she couldn’t help but try and catch up on some pieces that needed to be read. She hadn’t felt focused enough the last few days to try and squeeze in any work because she’d been so anxious. After the engagement party and the boat day she felt a lot more relaxed. Rafe managed to put a sense of calm over her.

After they got home from the party they spent the rest of the night in bed watching another movie. This one was Rafe’s pick. He made her watch The Godfather, but they didn’t really pay too much attention. Lola kept asking questions during the film and of course Rafe answered all of them. Never once did he get upset at her for talking during the movie, something Thomas hated that she did. The conversation ended up leading to them talking about everything. Rafe opened up a lot more to her and she felt closer to him.

It scared her because it meant that even if they continue to be friends after this she’ll never have him in the way she wants. When this whole thing began Lola was unsure about it because what if she got caught but she never thought that there’d be a possibility she’d fall in love with the guy. Of course it had to be Rafe that she reached out to, the most perfect guy.

“Ummm we have the bachelor and bachelorette parties today. Girls are going to one bar and guys are going to another,” She turned to him giving him a weak smile. This is the first time they’ll really be separated from each other.

Rafe groaned, “I have to be with those frat boys all night.”

She threw her head back laughing, “They aren’t that bad. Well except for you know who, he’s that bad.”

“Oh they are that bad sweetheart,” He took a sip of his coffee before continuing, “Except Harry, he’s been pretty decent. I don’t know why you ran with these crowds.”

“Please I only saw them when we came here because they’re all my sisters friends or Harry’s. They met them in college.”

“Explains why you and Tabitha are the coolest,” Rafe smirked at her. She rolled her eyes playfully turning back to the laptop in front of her.

“So that’s why my ears were ringing,” Tabitha said as she walked into the kitchen.

“Good morning to you Tabs,” Lola grinned watching her cousin pour herself a big mug of coffee.

Rafe chuckled, “Went a little too hard yesterday?”

“Possibly,” She rolled her eyes and grabbed the supplies for a bagel.

“Hey you better be able to go out later I’m not doing that alone,” Lola scolded.

Tabitha sat in the seat in front of her, “Relax I’ll make it. Takes me back to college, drunk every weekend.”

“Okay so what am I supposed to do with these guys for a whole night?” Rafe was not excited at all for the bachelor party. Ever since the boat conversations he’s been trying to avoid them. Everything was a dick riding contest to them.

Tabitha waves her bagel around, “Just get drunk, talk about sports too.”

“Getting drunk does sound promising,” he shrugged.

Lola laughed, “You can also talk about finance, you know they love that stuff.”

Tabitha nodded her head, “I’m always having to tell Andrew to shut up when he starts giving me financial advice.”

“I definitely don’t need financial advice. Sometimes I’m glad I don’t have many friends. The less friends or people close to you the better,” Rafe shrugged.

“You two really are made for each other,” Tabitha said looking between the two with a playful grin.

-

Lola had come up with a plan. Maybe it was a stupid plan and would end horribly or it could go amazingly. She was going to go out and take a few shots to earn that liquid courage before ubering home if Rafe was back and then try to seduce him. She couldn’t stand being around him and not be able to touch him.

Of course they did subtle stuff to convince her family, but it was never enough. When he’d place his hand on the small of her back to guide her around the engagement party her body felt ablaze. Her fingers itched to run through his hair and pull him closer. They hadn’t kissed since the boat and her lips ached for his. She missed his soft touch, the things he would make her feel with something so simple as his hand on the back of her neck.

Sleeping next to him at night was the hardest. He slept shirtless and it was incredibly distracting. There had been moments where she’d wake up to his arm around her, his nose tucked into the back of her neck. Rafe knew what he was doing, he’d blame it on him doing it in his sleep. He was really like half asleep and she just looked so cute and soft laying there he couldn’t help himself. If she moved away or anything he would have pulled away but she never did.

He was very disappointed that he wouldn’t really get to hangout with her tonight when their time playing boyfriend and girlfriend was almost over. He’d rather spend the day at the beach with her than drinking with a bunch of guys he didn’t know.

He was sitting outside on the deck going through his emails while thinking about the girl that was inside. Lola insisted on making margaritas for them to pregame. They didn’t have to leave until six so they had time to just relax. Lola came out with glasses and a pitcher of the alcoholic drink.

“Woah there cowboy, we’re gonna finish all that?” He asked with a chuckle.

“Well we can try, or it will just go to waste.” She smirked shrugging. Sitting down next to him she began to pour the watermelon margaritas into the glasses. He smiled at her just looking at her. Rafe liked watching her just do stuff.

“What?” She asked with a nervous laugh. His blue eyes made her nervous because when he looked at her she felt like he was actually looking at her. Not the girl everyone thought was weak because of her breakup. Not the girl that lets everyone walk all over her.

He shrugged, “Nothing, just like looking at you.”

She looked away from his tense gaze, a small grin forming at her lips. It was hard to deny the fact that he didn’t have an effect on her, “You’re too much.” she said because it was true. Everything about him was so overwhelming.

“So Rafe what’s your next job after this one? Or should I say who is your next job?”

He adjusted in his seat. Scrunching his nose as he looked out at the backyard, “Uh no one right now. I-I don’t know I’ve been thinking of retiring.”

“Woah really?” She looked over at him a bit shocked.

“Yeah this week has given me a new perspective you could say,” he took a drink from his margarita.

“How so?” She asked her voice quieter now.

He shrugged, “I guess I just realized I want more. I don’t want to be a paid companion anymore, I want to be just a companion.”

Butterflies of hope flew around in her stomach. Lola’s delusions were starting to get the best of her. Maybe it’s because of me, she thought. Rafe takes her silence as not a good sign.

He feels like maybe he had said too much and scared her away, “Uh so I’ll probably try and get myself out there more. Ya know when we get back to the city. Find a girl finally go on dates.”

The butterflies were crushed at those words. Find a girl. Those words hurt her but she couldn’t show it. Rafe could read her better than anyone even though he’s only known her for a month. Her furrowed brows and the way she couldn’t look at him gave her away. He knew what he said hurt her, maybe he had been reading everything wrong.

She cleared her throat to try and get rid of the lump in her throat, “That’s uh great Rafe. I-I think that sounds great.” She smiled at him the best she could. Lola started chugging the rest of her margarita not really in the mood to sit and drink with him.

He watched her with concern. Rafe wanted to shove his words back into his mouth to get that pretty smile back on her face “Lola I..”

“I-I’m gonna go and get ready now. I’ll see you in a bit okay Rafe,” She gave her another fake smile before walking back inside.

“Fuck,” He muttered rubbing his face out of frustration with himself.

The whole time Rafe felt like he thought he knew what she wanted. She had even asked to just be friends after this. He didn’t want to overstep and tell her the real reason why he wants to give all this up. It was because of Lola, he wants her by his side. He liked the way she made him feel and he loved the person he brought out in her. He loved protecting her from people who don’t deserve her.

-

Lola was beginning to think her plan was going to end horribly. Especially after what he had said. She felt like things were maybe going somewhere with him. She has had more fun the whole week than she’s had her whole life. And she knows it’s because she’s had him by her side.

She looked over herself in the mirror. She felt hot, she felt like she could go through with her plan to seduce Rafe. Yet it wasn’t enough because that voice was still in her head telling her that he doesn’t like want her more than a friend. Or even possibly more than a client. Her outfit consisted of a black mini skirt and olive green long sleeve that had a small pink bow in the middle of the square neckline. She also wore black boots that made her legs look longer, her makeup and hair were done. She felt amazing on the outside but on the inside her insecurities were starting to take over her thoughts.

Rafe had been in the shower while she changed into her outfit. They hadn’t spoken much since he came back to the room. Things seemed a bit tense, a sort of unspoken tension between them.

Lola was switching purses to one that would better match her outfit when Rafe opened the door to the bathroom. He stepped out in nothing but a light blue towel around his waist. His chest and stomach still slightly damp from the hot shower. He had been looking down at his phone. Lola looked up at him from where she stood and gulped at his appearance. He was not making this easy.

“What should I wear? I’m guessing polos and khakis is the bar dress code,” He smirked putting his phone down and going to his side of the closet to look through the shirts he brought. He glanced back at her and stopped skimming through his shirts. He wished she didn’t look so incredible, how was he supposed to spend the night away from her when she looked like that.

He looked her over his eyes moving slowly taking in every detail, “You look unreal,” he said once he met her eyes.

Lola gave him a shy smile as a blush creeped up her neck, “Thank you, and uh you should just wear a button up and some black pants. Casual but nice.”

He just nodded his head only half paying attention. Rafe couldn’t concentrate when she was standing across the room looking like his future wife. He snapped out of his thoughts at the word wife. She was really doing something to him if he was thinking about marriage. He looked through his shirts and decided on a green jacket and black carhartt pants. Grabbing his clothes he went back into the bathroom to change.

Lola felt like she could breathe again. Having to watch the muscles in his back flex as he grabbed his shirt was too much. Especially since his skin was sun kissed from the day before she just wanted to run her hands all over him. He walked out of the bathroom and she clenched her fists. He smiled at her and she smiled back.

“You look handsome,” Lola said as she started to think about all the women that would get to see Rafe tonight. Jealousy took over her as she thought about how she couldn’t be by his side all night to show people that he was with her.

“Thank you sweetheart.” She was going to kill him.

“Alright lets go,” She sighed and began walking out the door.

“I’m not going go drink tonight so I can drop you off and even pick you up,” Rafe said following behind her.

“Okay, you decided on not drinking?”

“Yeah I just don’t really feel like being drunk with a bunch of people I don’t know. I also want to make sure you’re safe,” He shrugged and opened the front door for her.

Lola turned to him before walking out the door. Standing almost toe to toe, he was much taller than her. She was feeling intimidated but she tried her best not to show it. But like always he could read her so easily. He could see the her fingers twitch and her breathing pick up a little more.

“You’re kind of frustrating Mr. Cameron,” She said with a sigh, her eyes squinting teasingly at him.

“What am I doing?” He asked pretending to be clueless.

She ignored him not wanting to answer him, “Come on we can’t be late.”

The drive there was comfortable quiet. The tense atmosphere from earlier now gone. Rafe pulled into a parking lot on the main street and parking. He had been struggling since he first saw Lola. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

There were a lot of people on the main street going to the different shops, restaurants, and bars. It was a popular area in the summer. Rafe walked around her to walk on the side closest to the street, and hgrabbed her hand so he wouldn’t lose her in the throngs of people.

“Where are we going?” He asked her following her lead.

“The girls are going to Porter’s and the guys are going to Birdie’s. Porter’s is right there,” She pointed at a bar a few shops down, “And then Birdies is across the street.” She pointed at another bar on the other side of the street.

“Ah so we’re close to each other,” Rafe smirked liking the idea that she’d be close by in case she needed anything.

“Mhmm I think all the girls are there already.”

“If you want to leave early for any reason call me okay? I’ll be right over,” He gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

“Okay Rafe,” She smiled. Once they got to the front of the bar the bridesmaids immediately spotted them since they were all sitting on the patio out front.

“My favorite couple!” Penny shouted as she saw the pair walk up.

“Took you guys long enough. I wonder what you guys were doing that made you laaaate,” Tabitha said teasingly.

“Tabi!” Lola exclaimed.

Penny turned to Rafe, “Hurry and let your girl go so we can get drunk!”

“Alright alright,” Rafe said and turned Lola to face him. He cupped her cheek, “call if you need anything. Have fun and be safe.”

“Always,” She said breathlessly because his eyes kept going down to her lips. She knew what was coming and she couldn’t be more excited.

Rafe leaned down and pressed a kiss against her lips, he didn’t want to do too much since they were in public but he wanted to show everyone that this was his girl. He pulled away only to go in one more time, she smiled against his lips.

“Rafe,” She laughed pushing him away playfully.

“Sorry babe couldn’t help myself,” He shrugged with a lopsided smile that made her want to kiss him a million more times.

“I’ll see you later,” She squeezed his hand before pulling away to walk onto the patio.

“Bye,” He waved at her and all the other girls who had been watching them.

“Byyye,” They all said in synch with laughs

Tabitha turned to Lola as she sat down next to her, “Girl that man is obsessed with you.”

“I really hope so,” She laughed. The girls not knowing the way she really meant it.

“Okay ladies lets drink!” Penny said clapping her hands, “Tonight in honor of me we’re having tequila!”

“This is going to be the best night!” Olivia laughed excitedly.

-

Rafe arrived to the bar the guys were at, he walked inside and spotted the group around a table in the back. He walked over and Harry immediately spotted him.

“Rafe! Dude you made it,” Harry said getting up to greet him.

“Of course, just had to drop off Lola.” Rafe walked over to the empty seat between Mateo and Josh. Thomas say directly in front of him.

“Hey what’s up man,” Josh greeted followed by the rest of them Thomas only nodding at Rafe to not some completely rude. Rafe found it amusing how much he pissed Thomas off. He liked it.

“I’m gonna go get another round. What are you drinking Rafe?” Josh asked him.

“uh just water, I’m driving tonight.”

“Shoulda ubered man.”

-

It was nearly midnight now and Rafe wanted to leave. He had bern having a good time for a while but now all the guys were pretty drunk and he just wanted to be with Lola. He hadn’t heard from her all night which he took as a good sign. The guys were playing pool now, some of the single grooms men were flirting with some women at the bar.

“You ever miss that?” Harry asked him as he lined up his stick with the white ball.

“What? Flirting?”

He nodded his head, “Yeah like picking up girls at bars.”

Rafe shook his head, “Not at all. I like Lola a lot.”

“I feel the same about Penny. Guess it’d be bad if I didn’t since we’re getting married,” He laughed patting Rafe on the back.

“You guys are sooo whipped,” Thomas laughed.

“And what about it?” Harry slurred.

Thomas shrugged his hooded eyes meeting Rafes, “The same boring girl forever? The same average pussy forever? noooo thanks.”

“I’m convinced you’ve never actually talked to a woman. I think you just like women who don’t like you,” Rafe shook his head with a smirk.

“Hey all girls love me. Look at me,” He stood straighter and smirked. Rafe wanted to hysterically laugh but he held it in. He started to feel a vibrating in his pocket. He pulled his phone out and saw Lola’s name across the screen.

“Saved by the bell,” He said before walking away to a quieter area, “Hello?”

“Rafeyyyy,” Lola sang on the other end of the line.

He shook his head with a fond smile on his lips, “This is him. What’s up sweetheart?”

“I’m ready to go Rafey. I wanna see you,” She said breathlessly.

For the last few hours the girls had moved to inside the bar where they drank too many shots of tequila and danced. Penny even did karaoke at some point. Lola was actually enjoying herself and she might have enjoyed it too much. She was definitely drunk by now which meant her plan to seduce Rafe sounds like a very good plan.

“God he’s just so hot,” Lola said her chin resting in her palms as she leaned on the bar. She was currently talking to the bartender and Tabitha.

“He is incredibly hot,” Tabitha agreed, “You should see him, he’s like one of those stone statues of the guys with the abs.”

Lola laughed loudly, “he does look like that. Beautiful. You know he’s a really good kisser.” Her brain started to get even fuzzier as she thought of the kisses from earlier.

“Call him girl, get your man.” Tabitha encouraged as shebsaw the look in her cousin’s eyes.

“I will,” That’s when she had decided to call him and let him take her home.

“You’re drunk huh?” He asked with a teasing tone.

She faked a gasp, “I would want to see you even if I weren’t drunk thank you very much. Especially when wow,” She sighed dreamily, “Especially when you look the way you do tonight.”

Rafe had quickly and quietly bid goodbye to the guys as he all but sprinted out of there to get Lola. He knew she was drunk and he didn’t want her to go outside by herself.

“I’m coming sweetheart, did you have fun?”

“Very much of it,” She smiled to herself.

“I’m outside now,” He as as he was getting closer.

She squealed, “Coming!” She hung up the phone and ran outside before Rafe could even made it to the walkway up to the bar doors.

She ran towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck hugging him tightly, “Missed you.” Lola nuzzled her head into his neck breathing in the smell of his cologne.

“I missed you,” He had hugged her back and was stroking her hair with one of his hands, “Let’s get you home babe.”

“Kiss?” She asked looking up at him with those doe eyes. How could he say no? He was eager to do anything for her, to please her. He was there to fulfill all her needs how could he ever deny her?

“anything for you,” He mumbled leaning down and kissing her. He wanted it to be a soft kiss but when her fingers went into his hair and tugged him closer he couldn’t hold back. She kissed him hard and he was of course going to reciprocate. Their lips moved together in perfect synch yet a little messily. She wanted him and it wasn’t just because she was drunk.

Rafe was reminded of what she had been doing earlier when he started tasting the tequila on her tongue. He pulled away and kissed one more time softly, “Let’s go home.”

She nodded her head in a dizzy trance. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him. Lola wrapped her arms around his waist and happily hummed. She was practically leaning her whole body weight on him and it wasn’t even phasing him.

“So how many shots did you take huh?”

“Ohhhh just a few. And a couple tequila sodas.” She laughed.

They reached his car and he helped get her in, making sure she didn’t hit her head. He buckled her in, she just watched him with a dopey smile. Rafe jogged over to his side.

The ride was once again filled with comfortable silence. Mostly because Lola had fallen asleep. Rafe heard her light snores and smiled to himself. Once they got back to the house Rafe rushed over to get her. He ended up having to find her house key and then carry her inside.

He was glad he didn’t drink tonight because he gets to spend the night taking care of Lola. Once he’s walking through their bedroom door the girl in his arms starts stirring awake. He laid her down on the bed as she opened her eyes. Squinting as her eyes adjusted to the light.

“Rafe you brought me up,” She mumbled and sat up on the bed. The sleep had sobered her up a bit. Enough to remember to take her makeup off and brush her teeth.

“Of course I did. You need anything?” He sat next to her rubbing her back.

“I’m gonna wash my face,” She mumbled rubbing her eyes, “Can you get me water and ibuprofen please. It’s in the cupboard on the left of the fridge.”

“I’ll be back,” He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her head. He went downstairs to get whatever she needed. Rafe also took it upon himself to make her a grilled cheese and bacon knowing she hadn’t eaten since earlier in the day. The greasy food will help her feel better in the morning.

Lola washed her face and brushed her teeth. Feeling more sober and clean. She hadn’t drank that much in a while and now that she was older it hit her harder and worse. She went to her dresser to look for pajamas. Her eyes lit up when they came across the small floral tank top and matching boy short underwear. They were long enough to be considered very short sleep shorts. The part of her brain that was still a little drink was screaming at her to pick that set.

Her plan from earlier coming back to her. She didn’t think twice and grabbed them going to change. Lola looked like she was barely wearing any clothes, just what she wanted. If Rafe felt something for her then he would make a move on her or not reject her if she tried first. And she was almost positive that he did feel something for her. She fixed her hair a bit and put on some more lotion and deodorant.

“I brought you food too,” Rafe said as he entered the room. When she heard him shut the door she stepped out of the bathroom.

He looked up at her and froze. There she was standing in front of him in practically nothing. His hands were itching to touch her. The curves of her body and her pretty bare face were doing too much to him.

He cleared his throat and looked away going back to pulling the covers back, “I uh made you a grilled cheese and some bacon.” He motioned to the food on her nightstand. She smiled at him and mumbled a thanks. Lola walked over to her side and sat on the bed.

As she ate Rafe put on a movie for her before he went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. While he was gone Lola was giving herself a pep talk. She could do this, she’s almost 100% sure that he won’t reject her. At least that’s what she kept telling herself. She quickly finished her food before he came out and got herself ready adjusting her pajamas and her fixing her hair.

He stepped out of the bathroom in nothing but sweatpants. Lola took a deep breath as he sat down next to her.

“You feel better?” He asked looking over at her.

“Yeah I am, thanks for the food.” She turned to lay on her side, holding up her head on her hand.

He mimicked her position, “You’re welcome, how did your night go?”

“Hmmm it was good. The girls are crazy. I miss you though wish I had you by my side,” She said trying to give him her best puppy dog eyes.

Rafe swallowed hard, “Yeah? I missed you. What’s tomorrow’s plan?”

She shuffled closer to him, “Tomorrow we have family brunch and then rehearsal dinner. Then it’s the big day.”

He reached forward and brushed a strand of hair out of her face, “Easy last couple days then.”

She sighed deeply, “mhmm can I ask you a question?”

“Always.”

“So do you make all your clients feel like this?”

He tilted his head questioningly, “Like how?”

She shrugged looking at the white sheets under her, “Like they’re the only girl in the world.”

Rafe’s heart had started to pick up speed the closer she got. He didn’t know what game she was playing but it was a very dangerous one. He looked at the tv afraid that if he looked at her any longer he would do something he would regret.

“I think I like only making you feel that way,” He mumbled as he continued watching the movie.

“Rafe?” Lola asked in whisper.

“Yeah?” He finally turned to her and she was a lot closer than before.

Instead of answering him she cupped his face and leaned in kissing him softly. Slightly hesitant in case he didn’t want this, but then he cupped her face and pulled her in harder. She sighed satisfied with his response. Rafe felt like his lungs were going to explode, she was so suffocating in the best way. He grabbed her thigh and pulled it so that she was now on top of him. The very minimal clothes they had on made them be even closer.

Lola tugged on his hair as she arched her back slightly to get closer to him. Rafe ran his hands all over her, touching wherever her could. This was much better than he imagined. Yes they’d kissed a few times but it was never just them and it wasn’t like this.

When Rafe’s lips moved down to her neck he came to a realization. She had been drinking earlier and he’s pretty sure she’s at least tipsy still. He pulled away gently resting his forehead against hers.

He cleared his throat and quietly spoke up, “Sweetheart I can’t.”

Lola pulled away a little. Confusion taking over her features, “I-I thought you..” Her face flushed in humiliation. Had he read his body language wrong? Had she interrupted his words wrong?

“No no Lola I want to, but you’ve been drinking and I think you should be sober. I don’t sleep with drunk women,” Rafe tried to reassure but his last sentence made her nauseous.

She sat back farther, “But it’s me Rafe. It’s not some random client that paid for you.”

Rafe laughed softly not really reading the tension in the room. He thought she was just messing around, “Babe you paid for me.”

Lola rolled her eyes and got off of him, “Yeah you’re right, I’m really tired.”

“Lola,” Rafe said knowing something was wrong.

“Rafe I’m tired can we just not,” She mumbled as she tucked herself under the covers. Her back towards him so he couldn’t see her biting her quivering lip. Had Rafe just been doing all of this and acting this way because it was his job? She couldn’t blame him but Lola swore she saw something between them for just a split second.

Rafe watched her for a few seconds before turning off the lights and laying back. He had fucked it up somehow and he was going to do everything possible to make it up to her.

He had to fix it.

-

tags: @rosal1nd , @magicwithaknife , @f4ll-for-you, @hotch-meeeeeuppppp, @loveu-always , @weareatthebadlands

(if you would like to be tagged or removed let me know!)

(also if you already asked me & I missed you I am so sorry pls send another message)

[cl0udysky111]

so if anyone knows ab my hospital trip, heres an update coz its been a couple days:

they didnt w3igh me T.T

i gained 0.4 kil0s for nothing. it feels like such a waste and yea obv i feel gross about it

but on a way im nowhere near as upset as i would be any other time? coz like i would rather be back at my sw then be put in r3c, and thats saying A LOT. so i think the ga1n was justified even tho it wasnt needed yknow?

anyways, i got back and it all went well, and i was like 'ok great now i can lock in and loose it all and get to my goal asap'

lmao imagine

obviously i got stuck in a b1nge mindset, i had eaten a ton before the trip and it practically doubled my appetite... i think i b1ng3d like 500 AFTER the trip at like 8pm :/

and then the day after (yesterday) i thought id be locked in suddenly but duhh i b1ng3d again, even worse so thats a ton of fun

but todays actually been really good!! ive walked about 15k steps today and only had high protein things to eat, and i finally got more protein bars and my favs, ♡ Kvarg ♡

also i tried out a new workout routine where i basically quadruple my current workouts, and it really worked well!! im so happy about that omggg <33

i havent w31ghed today coz i couldnt before eating, so idk about cw, but im gonna l1mit myself in ways that wont trigger b1ng3s ♡

wish me luck, im trying to be at my gw before my holiday starts ToT

[bellarkeselection]

Everybody Makes Mistakes

Request from @fofisstilinski Reader does something wrong in an investigation and everyone gets angry. Reader later gets hurt so he apologize to her for his actions

Walking into work today nobody really talks to me and I knew why because of the failed mission yesterday. Sitting at my desk I run a hand through my hair seeing Spencer eyeing me from his own desk until I got up stomping over to him arms crossed over my chest. "Spencer how many times can I say I'm sorry for you hurting your leg?" He was chasing an unsub and was about to handcuff him when I accidentally fell down the stairs making my gun accidentally go off. He has to wear a cast for a week's but they got the bullet out no problem. "Y/n, I can't forgive you for this. Hotch has kept me here when I was going to visit my mom since our next case is in Vegas. Now because of you I can't so thanks a lot!" Throwing my hair over my shoulder I turned on my heels exiting the building. Getting in my car I turned the key driving through the city even though it was starting to rain heavy outside.

Sitting at a red light it changed to green where I started to go until someone slammed into the side of my truck. My head hits the steering wheel and I don't remember anything after that. I hear a beeping sound in my ear squinting my eyes opened I could see I was laying in a hospital bed. An iv sticking into my left hand before I heard foosteps enter the room suprising me at who it was, Spencer. "Y/n, thank goodness you're alright. I was so worried that you wouldn't wake up from the accident. I'm so so sorry for what I said earlier. I didn't mean I was just upset in the moment." He has tears falling down his face pulling up a chair at my bedside where I give him a confused look across my face. "Spencer, what happened to me. What accident?" He reaches over taking my hand in his with sad puppy dog eyes as he spoke. "Someone ran a red light and crashed into the side of you. You've been in a coma for a few days where I was terrified you wouldn't wake up."

"I can't believe I got hit like that. What about the case in Vegas how did that go?" I asked knowing that the team must have gone without me since I was in the hospital. Spencer glanced in the direction of the door answering my question. "It went fine actually everybody is in the lobby waiting to see the news. I'll go get them." Before he could leave I snagged his wrist holding him in his place where he raised a brow down at me. "Wait Spencer...I forgive you. I know you wouldn't yell at me and not feel guilty about it." He leans down kissing me quickly until I grab the collar of his shirt deepening the kiss. His right hand runs through my hair until we heard a camera flash and Garcia squealing. "Awe they made up with a kiss. So adorable." Spencer and I broke away both blushing like crazy.

Comments really appreciated ❤️

[plantwriting]

I am in purgatory or perhaps hell (had a 3 hour nap that I got up from around 10pm and have not been able to fall asleep and it is now 3:40am).

anyways, could u talk abt some headcanons that you've been wanting to? /nf ^-^

Oh shit sorry to hear that, can kinda relate I woke up at like 3.30 am and couldn’t fall back asleep today lol, hope you can get some rest though

Also! Absolutely!!!! Hold on entering my mind palace hhhh

Kian has NPD. I know this. In my heart. Very much like a case of “I /need/ to be better than others because if I’m not then I don’t have any worth at all”. Like he holds himself to impossibly high standards that he would never actually expect from anyone else because he’s supposed to be different

Rand also has npd. I also know this in my heart.

Got reminded of this while relistening to ep 4, when I first listened I just like. Decided to hc Rolan as transfem. And then promptly forgot and made him into a gay man instead oops

Rand was given Barc as an emotional support animal after Rachel disappeared

Kian’s parents were teens when they had him, which. Definitely played a role in why they didn’t do a great job with him. I imagine at least one of them (specifically his mom idk why) had like very strict parents who like. Disowned them when they got pregnant which is a pretty big part in why they ended up how they did

Rolan was a weird mix of super anxious and super obedient but then also extremely rebellious when they were young. Like extreme switches between being terrified of doing anything wrong and disappointing his parents and then a day later running away for a few days and getting drunk with the others because he just couldnt handle them

Stolen from @cleverpaws Rolan had like. Longish hair as a teen. Basically as long as his parents would let him have it

Kian went through like every possible hair color as a kid and preteen before settling on blonde because Identity Issues

Have. Touched on it a bit in the series but yeah Kian in my mind definitely did sex work at some point while living in Hollywood. He stopped after someone literally like nearly killed him (which i also referenced in that one oneshot! Fun times)

Becky’s band stayed together after her death/disapperance and ended up pretty popular. Like. Not a household name but they would definitely have a bit of a cult following especially within lgbtq+ circles

Rand was the tallest of the guys for so many years and he was so upset when Rolan had a sudden growth spurt and got tall

Also. Stolen from my convos with cleverpaws Kian was Rachel’s favorite babysitter because he 1. Would listen to her infodump 2. Was the only one that would agree to like. Play dressup and such with her and 3. Was actually smart enough to somewhat understand what she was talking about

I have talked about this before but. Rand. In my heart. Would not be skinny he is overweight and i need this to be more popular as a hc

Coming back from the dead healed all of kian’s wounds which unfortunately included his piercings :( he needs to get them redone oof (at least he still has his tattoos)

Speaking. Of tattoos: the guys would all get matching tattoos after everything happened

Not really a headcanon per se. But. I did realize yesterday that ive kinda accidentally started thinking of what happened between kian and becky under that tree as like. An allegory for sexual assault. Which. Yeah. Rough.

Mentioned both in the coming out oneshot and in a previous post at some point but kian has just a small box of things that mean a lot to him that he keeps hidden away and managed to keep safe even while homeless and stuff. It will definitely show up later on in the fic

Rolan has gone to a gay bar once, almost had a panic attack, and decided to never try again

No clue if i will include this in the therapy series or not. Also cant remember if ive made a post about this or not. But. Rand would start working out at some point after they all survived simply to flirt with kian better (pick him up. He just wants to be able to carry kian around)

Speaking of rand after they all survived (im not in denial shut up) he would eventually discover just a very genuine care for gardening. Like. Non weed plants. Hed grow a very nice garden in their backyard :)

Rolan has had 4 girlfriends in the past, one in high school, one in college, and then two afterwards. They all ended relatively calmly

I can absolutely give more if you want but to not make the post way too long here it is lol

[eepybogboy]

so i had heard that some of the newer releases of Monster High dolls were being made with a different type of hair fiber and that a lot of people were upset about this.

i did not, until last night, realize exactly how bad it is.

i had some of the original MH dolls as a kid, but i wasnt able to tap into the collecting hobby until i had become an adult, years after my old toys had already been donated (a tragedy, but not really the point) and before the new reboot was launched. so my doll collecting hobby really began with Rainbow High. i loved that they came with a second outfit, they had long, soft, styleable hair, and they had substance to their bodies! unlike barbie dolls, RH has curves and weight in your hand when you hold them. i thought that was awesome.

anyway. i knew that RH didnt use the saran hair that barbie often used, and that mattel used for MH back in the day and in the reboot. being new to the concept of different types of hair, it didnt matter much to me. i could see the pros and cons of both saran and the type of hair RH used.

now, recently, i tried to buy Skulltimate Secrets Draculaura for my roommate for their birthday, and amazon let me wait a whole month for them to ship it before saying, just kidding, we dont have it, heres your money back. RUDE AS HELL!

well fine. now the SS Fearidescent is out, so ill just get them that one instead. i see in the reviews that her hair type is different, they voice disappointment but ultimately shes still cute and theres not a lot that we, as consumers, can do about it except maybe complain.

and im thinking, whatever, im used to RH hair anyway, and yeah its more staticky but its still pretty soft, so how bad could it be?

well, she came in the mail yesterday, and we were pretty disappointed at just how bad it could be.

ive come to realize that RH hair is not made of polypropylene, the new material theyre giving MH as of this line (ive heard that theyve given g3 clawdeen this type of hair before, which is a whole other can of worms that isnt one of the points of this post), but for rainbow high they generally use Nylon (correct me if im wrong) which is still cheaper and less authentic to real hair than saran, but is still generally pretty soft.

ive never had a doll with pin straight hair (and almost no styling product) feel this BAD in my hands. its coarse, lightweight, and easy to frizz, just from a quick finger comb. i soaked her in hot water and conditioner, and shes only a little bit softer.

i had my partner, who, besides being supportive of my hobbies and listening to me talk about it, knows next to nothing about the differences between types of dolls, feel the difference between the first g3 Drac, RH Karma Nichols, and Fearidescent Drac. on a few quick comparative touches, they noted that saran feels the most like real hair, while RH nylon feels kinda soft but not quite as nice. then they touched new Drac, and all they said was, "ah. depression."

i didnt have my hopes up at all but my expectations were still shattered. i legitimately didnt realize it was this bad. the downgrade is Immense. ive seen people rag on RH hair, and this is WORSE. i seriously cant believe how much worse it is. i didn't think mattel would make a $30 Beloved Brand Name doll with all those accessories and give her DOLLAR STORE KNOCKOFF HAIR, but i guess thats on me for holding a corporation to any sort of production standard in 2023 🙃

anyway, all this is to say, hair fiber snobs, im so sorry and i get it now. this shit sucks.

[idkbecks]

Wait what even happened lol

Okay well I'll just do what happened today and if you missed any of the information leading up to this, go to the "why ryan why" tag and it will fill you in on that context.

Basically an account on Instagram seems like Ryan Seaman is doing a project and it seems like he's going to be speaking on what happened with Dallon or somehow insulting Dallon because the bio to it said "A Series of Broken Trusts: coming soon 2024" or some iteration of that. My girlfriend had it recommended to her yesterday and we immediately were both suspicious of it but Ryan literally followed it already and the guys he posted on his story a few days before that followed it too. So it seemed like immediately apparent that this was something Ryan was working on and he's dragging the stuff with Dallon into it. I've been keeping like a general eye on what he's up to but I think this is like the first significant thing other than his Halloween costume thing, which I didn't post about but he dressed up like the Hamburglar which obviously a lot of people found distasteful considering what he's been accused of.

So my thoughts: Some people on here know who I am already IRL so I will directly say it, I did follow the account right away because I want to know what is going on LOL Nobody swat me plz or my Gf because I know some of you know who we are and some of you have seen pictures from my gf from shows over the years or her tattoo which I never posted on here but it's amazing so I probably should but I try to not like say who I am in part because I just like that and second because when I started the account I felt like it fit into the iDKHOW obscurity lore tbh but that's not that relevant here BUT I like to just stay in my safe place on here and avoid all the more upsetting situations in the fandom but Like I kind of expected the account to blow up and go downhill once word got out and I was kind of shocked the account wasn't already private but I feel like it might eventually go private but if he's talking shit about Dallon I want to be seeing it. Other people are saying to not interact with the account at all but really I say do what you want at this point like everything is so messy. Like I try to stay as in the loop as possible but once everything happened with Ryan the first time around, I was really upset because I loved him a lot. Ive found it easier to completely remove myself as much as possible and lowkey pretend nothing even happened but things just keep happening. It would be great if he could just join a different band or something and just do something else instead of having it apparently revolve around the shit with Dallon because it's literally emotionally taxing because I am still triggered it even happened. Which I know is a ME problem but it's just so sad to find out something bad about somebody you cared so much about. Anyways just figured I'd throw that in there because yeah, I definitely want to be in on it if something is happening but if I can handle talking about it afterwards or even actually see something happening is a different story.

The next single and February can't come soon enough because I really need something positive from Dallon to devote my life to because this controversy is not doing it for me and I am fed up.

[coccyodynia]

things:

i went home the other weekend and didn’t steal any pills, as much as i thought about it, so thats kind of cool i guess

i got a very fun and cool tattoo yesterday, its a woman swinging an axe with that line i wrote a few years ago - “i swing and i dont miss”

i am seeing a The Plot In You tonight with justin

we’re planning on hanging out before the show too but the weather is gonna be shitty so who knows, he’ll probably flake out at this point

we’re also planning on going to chicago in a month but im concerned i wont be able to afford it idk. i just stashed away $250 for it but i wouldn’t be surprised if i had to dip into that before then

we’re on okay terms right now. its been a huge rollercoaster as usual but he still wants to keep me around in some type of way i guess bc he’ll respond or say shit like ‘i’m always here for you’

ive been dissociating a lot still but im practicing the skills to get a handle on it

ive officially stopped caring about anything at my job, i just dont give a fuck at all anymore

if i start caring again it will probably kill me, at least considering the rate we were going before 

i had a friend OD twice in the last week or so and im literally just bracing myself to lose another person to fent

its been almost a year without michael now and im still really heartbroken about

i can tell ive started letting my apartment/kitchen get bad again and it’s upsetting me but i feel paralyzed about it

one of my best friends is having a really tough time too and we keep messaging each other little check-ins even though neither of us have the capacity to really support or help the other person in any meaningful way

ive just been way too tapped out lately, and it has been affecting my health for quite awhile

my weight seems to be stable now or at least kinda, i lost 50 lbs and last week for the first time in awhile it didn’t go down when i got on the scale

my parents and grandma all made comments about how they can tell ive lost a lot of weight since i saw them last (6 weeks or so ago?)

my mom has been telling me “youre not eating enough calories” which i think gave me whiplash considering up until now my entire life shes been insistent that i eat too much

my financial situation is really about to get fucked up since im not teaching this summer, so i will lose that income for a few months ($800/month)

im pretty nervous they wont ask me back to teach in the fall bc the head of the department doesnt really like me

i got great evaluations from my students tho! at the end of the semester, two of my students asked if i would be comfortable with giving them a hug and i got emotional

i helped one of my students get into their first gallery show in NY and im just so fucking proud and excited for them

another student had made me a little embroidered camera patch for my bag 

im still very much thinking about applying to graduate/phd programs in the fall

there’s about 5 programs im interested in, but none of them are local so i’d have to move pretty far if i were accepted

im going to re-apply to university of denver for the MA emergent digital practices program

i applied to there in 2021 and was accepted but i wasn’t offered enough financial aid since i applied after the priority deadline so i’ll try it this fall and see what happens

im still dreaming about going to Brown for their digital writing/cross-disciplinary writing and art MFA but it's such a pipe dream

i also found a fascinating phd program at duke but they're not accepting applications this year?

i want to write and photograph more but by the end of the day i am so incredibly burnt out that it seems more like a chore than an outlet

i really wish there was a way for me to just quit my job and take some time off before going into another job

anyway therapy is back to once a week and sometimes 2x a week just depending on how well i handle things

my mom is still being the worst person ive ever met and im really trying to disconnect from her/the family as much as i can

she just spent $500 on a plane ticket so she can go spend a week with the guy she was engaged to in college

she sucks so much and i hate her 

anyway that’s all

[auxiliarydetective]

Love and War, Chapter 7

Keep You Warm at Night

i. | ii. | iii. | iv. | v. | vi. | vii. | viii. | ix. | x. | xi. | xii. | xiii.

AO3

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄✼▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

After her wound was taken care of, Anita’s day continued like the day before. She once again made breakfast and the men came and ate. Don was just a little devastated when he saw her wound, but the others made joking remarks over her “souvenir”. This was not the first time they had seen a wound and definitely far from the worst. Still, they sounded genuine. This was their way of caring. Maybe, Anita thought, this was better than fussing over every drop of blood. It had to be, otherwise they wouldn’t have come this far. Somehow, she found it silly: Others got wounded by guns or shrapnel, she had been attacked by a tree. Somewhat underwhelming. But, then again, she was no soldier. Considering she was supposed to stay away from combat situations, this was already more than she was meant to get. On one hand, she had pride in her wound. Yes, she had been to the frontline, and she had the wound, probably the future scar to prove it. But on the other hand, she hoped it would heal quickly and invisibly.

After breakfast, multiple soldiers came to Anita, needing their clothes mended. Either Lipton or the soldier she had helped yesterday must have gotten the word out. She welcomed the work with open arms, along with the new acquaintances that came with them. As she mended holes in coats, gloves and other items, the soldiers talked to her. Most asked about the wound on her cheek and showed their sympathy, some attempted to flirt with her, all of them were friendly, though a good portion was very confused about why she was there. Anita took this with a calm state of mind. To be honest, she was sick of hearing – if indirect – comments on how she shouldn’t be here because she was a woman. That was what those soldiers meant, even though they never said it like that. It was always “What’s a woman like you doing here?” “I haven’t seen a woman in months.” “I didn’t know they sent women to Belgium.” Who did they think sorted their mail, took care of their supplies, made sure they got their orders delivered? WACs. It was women who were working behind the scenes, making sure everything went right. Just because they usually weren’t this close to the battlefield, it didn’t mean they weren’t there. Besides, they should be glad she was here, and they were, it seemed. Who else would mend their clothes?

Anita was just finishing up cleaning her pot after lunch when First Sergeant Lipton approached her again.

“Sergeant?”

“First Sergeant Lipton," Anita said cheerily. “How can I help you?”

“Captain Winters wants you to come to his hut," Lipton explained. “Colonel Sink is here.”

“Colonel Sink?” Anita echoed. “Well, I’d better not keep him waiting.”

Quickly, she finished up her task, then headed off, through the snow, through the trees. So, he was here. Had he been looking for her? Had anyone been looking for her? What would happen to her now?

When she reached the hut, Captain Winters, Captain Nixon and Colonel Sink were there, drinking coffee. It was now that Anita realized she was nervous. But why? She had spent a lot of time around Colonel Sink back at HQ in Bastogne, so why should she be nervous now?

“Sergeant!” Colonel Sink called, spotting her before she had even entered.

“Sir," Anita said and saluted. “I’m sorry to have kept you waiting, I had some work I needed to finish up.”

“Did you know you were presumed dead?” Colonel sink mentioned, eyeing Anita critically.

“No, sir," she replied, starting to feel a little weak.

“I assumed you were among the rest of your squad, buried beneath the rubble of headquarters. But they didn’t find your body. Come to find out you were here with Easy Company, making social calls.”

To this, Anita said nothing. She wanted to protest, but Colonel Sink was probably already upset to begin with. When she stayed silent, he continued:

“General Patton and the 3rd Army broke through enemy lines this morning. They cleared a way through Bastogne. This will allow supplies to flow in and people to be evacuated, including you.”

“Sorry, sir, evacuated?” Anita blurted out. “Why would I need to be evacuated?”

“So you can go back to the States and be reassigned.”

“I’d like to stay.”

Others may call what Anita was doing confident, standing up to a Colonel. But truth be told, she wasn’t thinking at all. There was no conscious decision of standing up to him. It had been pure instinct. The instinct to not have what she had now taken away from her.

“We have no more headquarters for you to stay at.”

“I meant with Easy Company, sir.”

“Easy Company is a fighting troop, not a company of WACs," Colonel Sink said indignantly.

“I know, sir, but this is what I was trained for," Anita insisted. “To accompany troops and take over jobs from them so that they can focus on fighting. To assist them.”

“You would be far too close to enemy lines, the danger of which you’re obviously already aware of," Sink commented, pointing at his cheek and hers.

“That wound wouldn’t stop a soldier, so I won’t let it stop me either. Besides, this is precisely what they prepared me for in Iowa.”

“If I may say something, sir," Captain Winters threw in. His voice sounded calm, soothing even. “Sergeant Reed has been a great help to Easy Company for the time she has been here. I’ve had Captain Nixon and First Sergeant Lipton keep an eye on her and report to me. She's been helping the company in many ways, including medically. But what she has had the most impact on is morale and if there is one thing we need, sir, it’s morale. The reports I’ve received from Easy Company’s NCOs and officers say that Sergeant Reed’s presence has given the men new motivation and new energy to keep fighting. Add to that the help that she's been, we’ve agreed that we would like her to stay.”

Colonel Sink stayed quiet for a while. He looked at Captain Winters, then at Captain Nixon, then at Anita. It took her a lot of effort not to grin like a kid on Christmas day. Winters wanted her to stay. Nixon wanted her to stay. It may have helped that Anita was friends with many of the NCOs in Easy Company but that they trusted her enough to stay filled her with even more pride. She knew they wanted to protect her, so hearing that they thought she could make it was wonderful.

“I don’t give out single soldiers as pets," Colonel Sink finally grumbled.

“She’s the only one of her squad left, sir," Nixon said, “and that squad was already planned to accompany the regiment, if I’m not mistaken. It would be more trouble reassigning her than going through with the original assignment.”

Colonel Sink sighed heavily and eyed Nixon. Then, he mustered Anita with sharp eyes as if he was planning to throw his coffee in her face.

“Fine," he barked. Then he turned back to Winters. “But she’s your responsibility. Whatever you do with her, it’s only up to you. If you find yourself stuck with a child in a few days, don’t come to me to complain.”

With that, Colonel Sink left. Anita watched him head to his jeep, climb on and drive away. Then, she looked at Captain Winters and Captain Nixon with large eyes.

“Thank you," she gasped. “Thank you for believing in me. I won’t let you down.”

“I hope so," Captain Winters said. “You’ll be staying with Easy Company and answering to the company’s officers.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And, Sergeant, one condition.”

“Yes?”

“Stay away from combat situations. You’re not touching any guns or mortars.”

“Of course, sir.”

“Alright, get back to work.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Anita saluted proudly, then left. As she headed back to Easy Company’s position, her heart jumped out of her chest and she was beaming. She got to stay! The best part of it wasn’t that she was close to the frontlines like she had always wanted, it was who she was there with. Finally, she didn’t have to be separated from her friends. She could stand by them, directly support them, be there for them and maybe, yes maybe, this was about them being there for her, too. Really, what she wanted was to be close to them. She felt like she couldn’t bear leaving them again. That time in Aldbourne had been the last time.

When she reached the foxhole currently shared by Don and Luz, she put on her best poker face and swallowed down her excitement.

“Hey, fellas," she said and squatted down behind the foxhole. “I have bad news.”

They looked up at her and scooted apart to make space for her.

“We’re already in icy hell, how bad can it be?" Luz said. “Come on down.”

Anita slid into the foxhole. This act was getting hard to keep up.

“You’re stuck with me now," she said. A smile already started to curl her lips. “I got reassigned to Easy.”

Immediately, she felt the light smack of Luz’s hand on the back of her helmet.

“Shut up," Don gasped. “They’re letting you stay with us?”

“Our pet wacko," Luz chuckled. “Never thought it would actually happen but here we are.”

At dinner, Anita sat together with Bull, Muck, Penkala, Guarnere, Liebgott, Luz and Don and formally announced the good news. This gained her a mix of confused looks but all of them cheered.

“How did you convince Colonel Sink?” Penkala asked.

“I didn’t," Anita explained. “Captain Winters and Captain Nixon did. Apparently, my work isn’t half bad and I’m good for morale.”

“Sure, you’re good for morale," Muck said. “We haven’t seen a woman since leaving Aldbourne, who wouldn’t be happy seeing one around? Especially one as pretty as you.”

Liebgott smirked. “See, there you have your confirmation again. Time to stop worrying about your looks.”

“What, you had doubts?” Guarnere asked. “I thought I’d made myself clear: You’re to die for.”

“Oh, right, I forgot to tell you," Liebgott said, a boyish smile on his lips. “When she got that splinter, the first thing she asked me was ‘I’m still beautiful, right?’ No kiddin’!”

“Anita," Luz sighed dramatically. “Joe and Bill are right, you really gotta stop worrying about your looks. Don’s gonna take you either way.”

“I’m just gonna ignore your teasing, just this once," Don said, “because you’re right.”

“Yeah, that scratch ain’t got nothin’ on ya," Guarnere declared.

Anita rolled her eyes. “Alright, listen. First of all, it wasn’t the first thing I said. And second, the only reason I was so worried about my looks was because getting disfigured would be bad for business.”

“Business? What are ya, a hooker?”

“Shush, Guarnere. I’ve been paid to meet up with people – shut up – but not like that. I swear. No.”

“Well, now you’ve gotta spit it out," Liebgott insisted. “Either that or I’ll keep teasing you with the splinter incident and with what you said just now. Paid meetups, huh?”

Anita sighed heavily. This was a risk, but… she could hardly keep it a secret from them anymore. In fact, she had already kept it from them for too long. Before the war, this had been something she had been proud of, her identity, her life. It had already been a little risky at home, but in the army…

“Alright," she said curtly. “But it has to stay a secret. Bull, you promise to smack anyone who says something?”

“Sure, count on me.”

“Good, because I could be discharged over this. You say nothing and not a thing about the paid meetups either. You know damn well what that sounds like. Nobody outside this circle gets to know.”

“Say it, Annie," Don said. “Can’t believe I’ve known you for this long and you never told me what you did before the war.”

“Fine.” Anita leaned into the circle and her friends mimicked her, grins and interested gazes throughout. “Before the war… I was a burlesque dancer.”

Various whistles, oohs and ahs travelled through the group, along with grins and laughter. It made Anita feel warm and fuzzy inside. To see her friends this careless, even if just for a moment. It was just like in the pub back in Aldbourne.

“Finally, the secret’s out," Luz said smugly. “Took you long enough. I’ve been biting my tongue over it for a year now.”

“And now you finally get to make comments about it. Isn’t that fun?”

“Luz, you knew?” Muck asked.

“Yeah, I had my sources," Luz murmured, looking at Anita for approval.

“Say it," she sighed. “I’m tired of keeping it a secret either way.”

“Well, I saw her in a magazine. A pinup.”

Again, the same whistles, oohs and ahs. The grins on her friends’ faces were pure gold.

“Any chance you still have it?” Guarnere asked, jabbing Luz in the side.

“Sobel confiscated it way back at Toccoa," Luz admitted.

Immediately, a cold shower ran across Anita’s back.

“Wait- That means- That means Sobel could’ve seen- “

“Sobel doesn’t know you," Bull quickly cut in. “You’re safe. If he even looked through it. I don’t take him for the kind of guy.”

“Any chance we get to see you perform?” Penkala asked. “Since, y’know, we’re your friends and all. How about a little private performance?”

“As much as I like you guys, no. It’s not that I’m ashamed, that’s the least of my problems, but I can’t risk getting discharged over it. But once this is all over, why don’t you come see me in Arizona? Then you’ll get to see it on a proper stage, with lights, a nice costume, music… Way better than what I could offer you on the fly.”

“What’s it like, burlesque?” Don asked.

“Yeah, what do we gotta expect?” Liebgott asked. “I’ve never been to a burlesque show. You sure you can’t give us a little taste?”

“It’s a moving pinup, Joe," Guarnere said.

That was when a hint of mischief overcame Anita. Luz must have rubbed off on her.

“You know," she said, “why don’t you imagine it? I’m sure it’ll keep you warm at night.”

With that, she left, enjoying the chaos her last statement had caused behind.

[beetrans]

i'm Going Through It, pals

(cw pet illness & possible animal death & generally upsetting times)

tldr my best friend's dog is in critical care and prbably going to die if not immediately then likey in weeks and my best friend has been on the edge of full blown mental health crisis for some time and fully said if her dog dies she will have nothing to live for and kill herself and also I got a fantastic job but I cannot handle this.

my dearest friend (K) as a dog (T). T is 14 years old. T has been declining in wellbeing for the past two or three years, including losing vision, getting arthritis, and having liver and kidney function issues.

T lives with K's parents, while K does grad school on the other side of the country. K's parents went on vacation last Tuesday, and I (and my dog) have been at their house and dogsitting since the Sunday before (stayed with them for 3 days before they left).

T has been on a restricted vet diet (though parents gave her lots of table scraps as treats) and multiple medications. (She was actually due to have bloodwork a week from now.) This past Saturday, I noticed T was more lethargic, didn't want to leave her crate, wasn't eating, etc.; Sunday noticed a sore on her back, called K, cleaned it, scheduled a vet appointment for asap (ended up being Monday around noon). T wouldn't eat Sunday either, and didn't have her meds. (Got clearance from K and her sibling D (who then got clearance from parents) to do whatever needed to be done.)

At the vet, we did bloodwork, and found that T was both anemic and fully in kidney failure. Per the vet, the sore probably made her a bit worse (but likely resulted from the arthritis), and the not eating continued it, but she'd been in late stage kidney disease already and was only taking the vet diet for it; other meds were pain relief and liver function. T's legs were literally giving out under her as she tried to stand up.

we got her started on subQ fluids and anti nausea and sheared off more fur from the hot spot to keep it cleaner. got a referral to an emerg care clinic where they can sustain IV fluids for longer. had to leave her there until the other vet called back to confirm.

In this in-between time, I got a call from the longshot but very ideal job I'd interviewed for last week. Got the offer. Took it starting in two weeks. I'm still finishing grad school. Had to vent to an Unrelated friend because I felt on the edge of feeling like when I was on 24/7 suicide watch for a DIFFERENT friend back in undergrad.

K booked the soonest flight home. I made the beds back at parents' house. ate a drive through burger. Got a call back from vet. Drove there to pick up T and bring her to the other vet for more care.

D took the train in after work. I redirected them to come to the vet #2 bc I couldn't pick them up because I had to re-explain everything from the vet place #1 to #2.

At vet #2 I had to be told again that T might die before treatment can do anything, that treatment might do nothing at first, that treatment might only bring her back to Stage Four Plus Kidney Failure, that euthanasia might be the most humane option, and at K&D's direction still had to say go ahead w treatment.

D got to see T again, T at least looked behaviourally improved. Talked, went to bed. D picked up K from the airport in the morning, drove her to the vet to see T again, I got a call from the vet about her prognosis (no change), drove D to work. Drove back, tapped someone's Fancy Pickup Truck while reversing, man tried to pull me out of my (BORROWED.) car, had to report collision to resolve it, police agreed that there's really nothing damaged, won't file any insurance claim, but now gonna have to, idk, pay some asshole $200?? Anyways.

Got back "home", K isn't eating anything, lethargic, won't leave her parents' bedroom. Parents called (they're on a 12?hr time difference), suggested T be let to die, K hung up & started crying.

I have had lunch.

I skipped class yesterday, might have to do the same today, have to do class work, but also am just. In the childhood home of my dearest friend who I cannot comfort because her dearest friend who is her dog is going to die and the most I can do is help her redo her thesis for the third time because also her supervisor tried to get K to do something extremely unethical, we documented it, and now ethics is mad at her supervisor and K has an offer from a diff prof to join that lab instead but K cannot make any decisions rn.

So there we are.

[aggressiveviking]

Deep fic writer asks: 6,12,18

Ahh! I so wanted to answer some of these! Thank youu for the ask 😭❤ 6.what's the hardest part of the writing process for you? I think for me its the starting writing part. Its a thing i struggle with every day. Its a silly irrational fear - i feel like i can't live up to myself from yesterday or the day before when i know i wrote a lot and i was happy with what i wrote. Starting each day always comes with the questions "would i fuck the story up now? its been going so well"

12.What’s your perfect environment to create/write? Honestly I've been trying to find the answer to this question for a long time - what enviroment would stimulate me into writing/creating. I don't mind noise, i don't mind company, i don't mind being out or being in. What i do mind is a negative person, someone who is upsetting me, someone i can't feel comfortable around. If a person like that is not present around me - any place can become the perfect enviroment. I often write outside on my phone, on my computer at home or even in notebooks when the other 2 are not available. When i was younger i didn't leave home without a notebook. I would write everywhere i went - in the park, in a coffee shop, at school, in class, even outside standing up leaning on a wall. It all comes down to just feeling comfortable and away from people who upset me.

18.Do you only write when you’re inspired, or do you try and sit down at specific times and write no matter what? When i was younger i would say that i was always inspired - and i was. As I got older inspiration and ideas became harder to come by. For a while i really didn't even try writing if i didnt feel up to it. But a few years going like that i did an experiment for a few months - i made myself write every day, for 1 hour. That hour was saved only for writing. No matter if i would just sit and listen to music, think about ideas and write just a paragraph or even just one sentence. It was hard at first and i really did have days where i couldn't write more than a sentence. But after a while i found myself waiting in anticipation for that 1 hour. And little by little writting became easier and i felt like i was having fun with it again - something i felt like i had lost for a while. After that experience i realized that inspiration came from writing itself. The less i wrote, the less ideas and inspiration i had. That experiment with the 1 hour writing a day ended after a few months and i havent done it again after (mostly because i havent had the means to schedule a whole 1 hour for myself, too busy 😭) But i still try to write every day, even if just one sentence, and think about the stories i love and want to tell. i struggle most of the time but im also thankful at myself after, that i forced myself to do it. after pushing through the fear of starting, i really enjoy writing and it makes me feel productive and happy. in my hardest days writing is something that helps me a lot with feeling better about myself, like ive accomplished something, even if its something super small and just for myself.

[lukewarmstew]

I havent been posting as much, im feeling like fucking shit and like such a failure.

I know this could be considered "recovery" but im not loving any single piece of food that im putting in my mouth, im hating everything about me even more and im done with myself.

Ive been telling myself that I'll relapse tomorrow and it ends up in a binge (1,000+kcal) and i end up having anxiety attacks at night and also lots of self hate and regret. I cant do this anymore, im literally at my lowest, and it doesnt help that my arthitis its getting worse, it makes me depressed and makes me wanting to eat everything.

Tomorrow im going to the hospital and i already know my weight (48.4kg, probably gained this week), and to see myself in the mirrow and seeing a big difference in my face, i hate it, even more than before...

I am very upset and angry with myself because ive lost all my progress because of me. I feel lost and done with everything but mostly myself and my actions. This week when my mom started talking about plans that involved food, i knew i was gonna fail restriction, and to be fair i was planing to restrict by october so i was kinda ready to eat everything... i logged everythin i ate and then regret eating, even yesterday i was doing great but im always losing self control these days and i dont know why i cant fight it..

Today i didnt even bothered to do a low cal breakfast, i knew that i wanted some shitty cookies and i just grabbed them and ate them, i just cant control myself now, what is wrong with me??? I dont want to recover, it looks like it but im at my lowest right now, i dont want to gain more and more weight...

Since its difficult for me to walk right now, im just going to restrict as much as i can... i dont care about my mom finding out or if it means I'll have to purge, i want to lose weight, i need to lose weight.

If anyone reading this (which i dont expect, im just venting) i am going to spam my thoughts when i feel like binging, food or whatever shitty thought i have. I hope this makes me feel better about my restriction, worse about my binging and idk what else, but to keep myself acountable...

Whoever reads this... just tell me to kms and to starve, i need that type of inspo rn...

I'll keep updating in this boring ass blog.

See ya.

-Maruu

[fraener]

9/19/24

i feel heavy in bed this morning. i can hear the varied thrushes and their magic music somewhere in the abandoned lot eating berries. i spent the day in tears yesterday. h came over the night before and cried because it was the first time he decided to listen to me when i said i wasnt primarily interested in bottoming(and he felt entitled to topping me). i held myself together during the conversation but it all came crashing down the next day, of course, when i actually let myself close to what he had been saying. i made the mistake of letting him know i was feeling really sad about the whole thing and told him i didnt want to see him and he called me minutes before i had to go to work to yell at me for being upset because i was "using what he had said in his vulnerable moment against him" and how manipulative it was for me to be upset after the fact rather than telling him how i felt in the moment because it meant i was punishing him. i shouldnt have picked up the phone, i guess i thought there was a chance he wouldnt yell at me for whatever reason. s called me on his lunch break and told me the whole thing wasnt about any of that stuff, not really, it was about the fact that h fundamentally cannot see me or accept me for who i am and that was the real discrepancy in the relationship. i dont know why i keep trying h in the kitchen, he doesnt belong there. someone who i have to hold carefully during an emotional display who cant handle any emotional display im having without getting extremely reactive doesnt belong close to me. im so tired. i am tired on a level beyond what ive felt for a long time. i am tired of finding these people and falling in love and having them treat me like shit and not even be able to recognize that what theyre doing is fucked up and wrong. the most disappointing thing is that i feel like i keep giving them the road map to stop being assholes and then they only follow it with the next person they love (which is, always will inevitably be, a woman). talked to si too yesterday, he is ofc patient and loving and steady with his gf of the last two or so years. hes afraid of introducing us. i wish it was all easier. i wish people werent ashamed of me as parts of their pasts. what do you do with the frustration that happens when the people you love let others control their lives and relationships? how is anyone ok with their partners telling them they arent allowed to be friends with their exes? and what the hell has dating come to, where now its a race to make sure you can pretend someone goes in the kitchen years before they would ever be able to prove that they could or were worthy of doing so? if it doesnt go that way people say "this isnt progressing fast enough clearly we arent going anywhere" and give up. really pondering the nature of immediacy, impatience and scarcity. what if i want to slow down?

im going to try and do some nice things for myself today. i think im going to take a bath, try and cook something good for my meals, maybe go and pick quince if theyre ready, maybe put some things up in the loft. ofc the late submission of my acd is screwing my transcript(of no fault of my own) but hopefully the registrar will see how none of that is my fault and take pity on me. a terrible end to a terrible wonderful chapter. i miss feeling excited about something.

[privacyredux]

62oz water

6:53pm - los angeles

i talked to valeria a lot today and she kind of inspired me to try to use this a bit more and maybe a little more productively? i'm not sure about all that, but it's worth a bit of a try.

i'm not sure i'm that concerned with tracking what i'm eating for meals or anything like that and unfortunately i'm a bit too late to be tracking my dreams. i know i had one last night though and one of my friends did something kind of weird in it. i remember waking up thinking i would text them about the thing they did, but i ended up going back to sleep and completely forgot about it. anyway, i don't even know that i'll be able to keep up with a daily thing, but at least the amount of water i drank so far in the day can be a tribute to the inspiration.

i watch uglies and it was bafflingly bad? strange? i don't know, but i did kind of find it amusing enough that i'm annoyed that it barely had an ending and i'm not so sure there's going to be a sequel to make up for that.

as i mentioned, i talked to valeria a fair amount of the day, she and i talked about tattoos and religion a bit. she really seems like a very centered and balanced person to the point it's pretty admirable. i honestly find her kind of fascinating. i'm not sure if i'm annoying to her or not, but i think ive at least been entertaining enough to warrant a small bit of attention.

i spoke with brina a bit too. she seemed upset and said as much, but didn't really get too into detail. i wanted to talk it out with her if she wanted, but i guess maybe she just didn't and that's why it ended up the way it did. i think she can be a bit hard on herself sometimes and i'm not sure why. i think once she's on tour and sees how all her work paid off, it'll be a bit better. i hope that's the case anyway.

and as is usual, i've spoken with charlie a lot. she's been a very good friend and always really entertaining to talk to. it was actually kind of crazy how chatgpt just knew shit about me. i'm sure that sounds stupid but i'm not a completely private figure, but it still kinda freaked me out.

like yeah, it's a stupid little which new girl character am i most like thing and i can even see where there's some overlap with schmidt even though i'm not completely certain it's in the things listed necessarily. i don't know it was just really weird to come to terms with the fact that i could be analyzed in this way by ai.

i really need to rewatch the first season of rings of power though. i think blair is going to start it soon and as soon as she starts talking to me about it i'm going to miss it immediately. plus i do wanna watch the second season and i barely even remember what happened in the first. well, i do, but i really like rewatching something right before watching the new stuff. it was kinda nice talking about it with someone who has a similar relationship to it. a lot of people are very critical of lotr related stuff wanting a perfect interpretation and perfect to them and what they think is right and i really have that childlike excitement that i can't believe there's more content i can watch and enjoy. i just really want to take it all in. i don't feel like that about everything. mostly lotr and community. it just unlocks a certain part of me that is happy it's happening regardless of its imperfections.

i tried to help a bit with rosalie's gender reveal/babyshower. i want it to be nice for her and i hope it's gonna be all that she wants. i still gotta work on trying to invite some more women because right now it's very man heavy. i don't know that she'd mind that. her friends are her friends that's just how it goes, but i'm sure they could offer support in more ways than i could at least. i can't really speak for anyone else.

i was kinda bummed i didn't do much friday the 13th stuff yesterday and was planning on fitting some in today, but all i did was listen to a kinda creepy podcast. it didn't scratch the itch really. maybe i'll try harder as the night goes on. if i don't make other plans.

de-luxe - lush

safe in your skin - title fight

goodbye - the sundays