#ive even gone in person to a few places and they still dont get back to me after i talk to someone lol

[foolishfalls]

anyone else feel like applying for jobs nowadays is just literal psychological torture???

[melkyt]

Gladiator Luffy, trapped in the ring, forced to fight everyday just to survive. He can't leave the tower, there is no exit, and he has tried. They are all cursed to be there, and the only way out is to win and take the empty throne, to be a king.

Those who win get food, money, and medicine that they are not allowed to share with others.

We all know Luffy, he is not going to follow the rules, he shares what he can, especially with children that are even younger than him and can barely pick up a sword, kids that would have no choice but to fight and die just for some bread.

He had help from the last lower arena winner (Shanks) and he is going to pay it back, which the only way he can is to help others.

Luffy is determined to climb this tower and be the victor no matter what, and break this prison they are all trapped in. That is his goal.

Since he doesn't follow the rules, Luffy is often in bad shape, getting the hardest fights for little reward so he has to fight way more then any other person, his name always on the scoreboard in matches, he has the most wins but also plenty of loses. Though, if anyone bothered to look that he would fight the same opponent over and over until he won.

Law is a doctor (ofc) and unlike Luffy who was born in the tower to parents he doesn't know, Law chose to be there, as a young child he traded his life so his family could live. He knows that this tower is managed by gods for their own entertainment. His dream is to kill them. Thats the only way he believes they will be free. There is no way any of them in this little hamster wheel will be able to take the empty throne and escape. Rumors that one Gold Roger did so are bullshit as far as Law tells himself. He tries to be a realist but still hopes.

He does battle in matches but few and far between, prefering to trade and barter with people for survival. Which is following the rules, trade is encouraged. Law helps kids or anyone that is sick, running a 'free' clinic, where the price ranges from food to the odd book, or wven a scrap of broken armor that he can fashion into splints or bandages. He manages and always looks for a way to reach the god he made a deal with (doffy).

Luffy, after a long fight, stumbles home, which is just a small tent in the lower floors city. He doesn't need much more, not like there are houses in the tower. Just makeshift shacks or tents made by those trapped.

He doesn't stick to the same street to go home every day, since new shacks pop up all the time, everything is different from day to day. He has to circle around closer to the outer tower wall where the oldest construction is. Some of them even have wood walls, while others have repurposed cells to be functional shops.

Law notices him stumble along. He thinks nothing of it, gladiators come through bloody all the time, and they dont always trust doctors to treat them.

His clinic runs all night, so if the gladiator changes his mind, he can seek treatment.

Then Luffy trips, and isn't moving. Law knows it's dangerous to help him, since this isn't a trade, but his desire to help people wins out.

He carries Luffy into the clinic, looking him over. He is not hurt that bad. It's mostly dehydration and exhaustion. Law setting up an IV and closing the clinic curtains, so if on the off chance nobody saw him help Luffy, he can get away without punishment in the form of a mandatory fight.

Punishment fights are usually out of his strength level, he is skilled yes, but exhausted quick and those matches can go all day. Still he risks it.

Luffy gasps awake hours later in a clinic bed, looking around confused. He usually ends up on the street with his winnings gone after collapsing post hard fight, but not only is all his stuff in one place, he is also all bandaged up, the scent of medicine sticking to his skin.

Law passed out at the table where he usually sleeps after a long night of treating patients. Luffy was not the only one who needed tending after their last series of matches.

Luffy poking him awake with a wide grin. Law groans, mumbling in his sleep, too tired to get up just from that. Luffy shrugs, decides to leave a note along the lines of

'I'm Monkey D. Luffy! And im gonna be king of the tower!!! Thanks for helping me out!!!'

Leaves a bag of gold coins, more in one place than Law has seen in his life in the tower. Way more than he charges for treatment.

Then, he runs off to check out what new matches are placed on the floor he has gotten to.

Law assumes he won't see Luffy again, but the next night, he shows up. Just as bloody as the first day, with a wide grin and asking Law to patch him up, again dropping a bag of coin. Law tries to refuse, tell him uts to much but Luffy waves him off, he dont need the coin anyway, as long as Traffy keeps taking care of him!

It is not long until they settle into a routine, moving from just patching Luffy up after fights, to Luffy just stopping by to have lunch or dinner between bouts.

Law finds himself smiling more, as he can help more people with Luffy's help and the fact that he knows everybody, so gladiators that would get infections or lose limbs because they didnt trust doctors or anyone in the tower, start coming to him because Luffy vouched for Law.

He is exhausted, often trying to go beyond what his body allows him, thats when Luffy picks him up and takes him to go get some rest, cuddling until Law gives in and falls asleep, taking the night off.

Though Luffy always leaves in the morning for his next fight.

Law hates waking up alone in bed, he tries to catch Luffy but the man can move quietly when he wants to.

Law also hates that as the days go by and Luffy climbs the tower, he comes back home with more and more injuries with each subsequent fight. Some that are almost fatal if Luffy was anyone else. Law starts to worry that one day Luffy wont come back.

Him sitting in the clinic, counting the hours and dreading that he will hear Luffy's name in a list of casualties. He has lost alot already in this stupid tower. And he cant take another death of someone he loves. Law is not sure when he started to accept that he loved Luffy.

Yet Luffy always comes home, always with a smile. No matter how hurt he is.

And one day, he is going to kill God xd.

[simplygyuu]

Teddy bear - 3 : how is he TWEETING??

*⁀➷synopsis ! : on your birthday one of your best friends, soobin, gifts you an adorable teddy bear. you keep it all day once he gave it to you, carrying the adorable thing around for your entire birthday day and going to sleep with it that night. the next morning you wake up with.. a man in the place of your precious bear?! he doesn't have a name and he looks at you like you hung all the stars and.. did he just say he WAS the bear?

wc(0.8k)

there are tweets at the end

beomgyu was.. definitely a character. it was obvious he knew nothing of the human world, he acted almost like a child. he was bubbly and loud and extremely curious. you had to hold onto his sleeve to even keep him from running off.

"so.. you sure are energetic." you commented while you made a simple breakfast, keeping an eye on him through your peripheral. he was wandering around the kitchen curiously, observing the plates and cutlery.

"am i? this is how all humans act, right?" beomgyu responded simply, picking up a fork to inspect it. he poked the top of the prongs curiously. "all the little humans ive seen are just like me... am i acting unnatural?"

little humans?

oh, he must be talking about kids. it made sense. he did used to be a teddy bear in the kids section, no wonder he thought all people acted like a kid. now, his childish behavior began to make sense.

"hmm not really. you've probably only seen kids, but its alright ill help you adapt." you responded, looking back towards the eggs you were cooking.

honestly, you didnt know if there was a way for beomgyu to be a bear again. it was weird how this even happened but he acted so unnaturally that you believed him.

you glanced back over to see beomgyu picking up a knife; causing your eyes to widen.

"woah! put that down." you said quickly, running over to take it away from him. god, would you have to child proof your house or something?

beomgyu just sulked a bit but let you take it away. he still seemed infatuated with you. honestly you couldnt tell why he was that way, maybe it was gratitude?

"okay so i still need to go to work today, so that means i need you to stay here." you began while scraping the eggs onto two plates and setting them down at the living room table. you gestured for him to sit down, which he quickly did before fully focusing on you.

"first of all we need some ground rules." you began before gesturing for him to eat. he seemed confused, so you internally sighed a bit before taking a bite of your eggs as well to show him how. once he seemed okay on his own, you continued.

"first, under no circumstances will you open the door or go outside. i dont care what the person says, i have a key i wont need you to open the door." you stated seriously, making sure he nodded before continuing.

"secondly, please dont break anything or hurt yourself. i dont have a way to contact you if something happens." you added simply, watching him basically devour the eggs. it might just be the first thing hes ever tasted.

"okay, thank you for not throwing me out yn.." beomgyu mumbled softly, mouth full.

you couldnt help but smile at him, maybe this wouldnt be so bad. he wasnt horrible company or anything and he was cute.

you two sat together for a few minutes just eating. you didnt say anything, but beomgyu didnt either. he seemed to only talk when spoken to.

checking the time, you sighed and stood up. "i need to go now, remember the rules." you stated as you took up both of your plates and placed them in the sink, you could wash them later.

"ill see you when i get home, alright?" you said as you slipped your shoes on, looking back at him.

beomgyu just smiled and nodded his head vigorously, his hair flopping around and the ears on his head staying up cutely. "bye yn, have a good day!" he called out as you closed the door.

once you were gone, beomgyu stood in front of the door for a few minutes just staring. he didnt know what to do with himself once he was alone. finally, he turned around and decided to explore some more.

beomgyu walked throughout the entire house, peeking his head into each room curiously before eventually ending back up in your bedroom. he then noticed the interesting thing sitting open on your table. it was almost shaped like the childrens books hes seen, just bigger and much thinner.

curiously he picked it up before sitting down on your bed. he noticed the letters on the bottom of it, pressing one with furrowed brows.

suddenly, the black part lit up. he jumped a bit in surprise, eyes wide before tilting back the screen to look at it better.

"what is this..?" he whispered curiously, noticing the many different words across the screen.

"..'i dont want to go to work'.. " he read out, head tilted before deciding to press the big blue button on the screen. it took him a moment to figure out the mouse pad, but he did.

taglist ! : @lynnfv @openingssequence @wonioml @lunaavity @sunarintoes

notes ! : we are finally getting back into the smau part... hopefully this isnt too much writing

previous ! masterlist ! next!

[musicoftheheart]

oh my gosh okay so I wanna ask about all ur wips honestly but that kind of defeats the purpose soooooooo

4,7,8,14

4 because it sounds really ominous, 7 because the title makes me think someone (probably james) freaks out every time someone else (probably regulus) speaks french and a third person (probably sirius) thinks hes having an allergic reaction, 8 because this sounds like a sequel to hold me tight (and never let me go)??? and I have been loving that fic so far and cant wait for you to finish it (but no pressure, take ur time of course), and 14 because thats funny as shit

also, I remember you saying a while ago you might write a snooker au? is that happening? (again no pressure, I just wondered if u forgot to list it since you mentioned having brain fog recently (which is a cool name for it btw and I will be using it in future))

hi!! thanks for asking! <33

so ive covered a couple of these in another ask, so ill only sum them up here (you still get rambled at though dw <3)

4. dont walk too close

so! as i said in another ask, this is a fic following sirius (and regulus, later) starting hogwarts as walburga’s obedient heir, only to end up in gryffindor and learning that life isnt quite the way he’d been taught. his revelations and his sorting end up causing tension at home in the yule holidays, and a series of events end up with regulus in gryffindor too. im sure we can all imagine how that one goes. i posted a snippet in the other ask here

7. french epi fic

HA okay i love your guess, but— well, actually, youre closer to the truth than you might’ve thought. sort of.

regulus has just escaped his parents’ clutches and moves across from france to the one place he hoped he might be welcome: sirius’ home in england. its set in yorkshire, because thats where i grew up before i had to move away, and i miss it :( regulus’ english is poor as it is, but meeting sirius’ ridiculously attractive housemate, james potter, muddles his brain enough where the few basic greetings he knew were gone

james has epilepsy (thats where the ‘epi’ in the title comes from), remus gets them all free donuts, and sirius refuses to flirt on behalf of either james or regulus with the other. its chaos, its fun, and im enjoying it so far despite only being a few thousand words in. here’s a snippet:

Regulus slowly set his eyes back on the house. “It’s so big.”

Seeming to finally catch up on Regulus’ surprise, Sirius explained, “Effie and Monty helped us get on our feet, but with what Alphard left…”

”Mon dieu,” he breathed. But this time, it wasn’t at the house. It was at the man stepping out of it.

Stood at the front door, one hand shielding his eyes from the sun that had emerged from behind the rain clouds, was the most beautiful man Regulus had ever laid his gaze upon. His dark brown hair was tussled in a mess of curls on his head, but almost like it was purposefully messy rather than just uncontrollable. Round golden glasses sat upon his bronze skin, framing his chocolatey eyes perfectly, and a wide grin pulled at his mouth and revealed a little dimple on his left cheek.

When Regulus was eventually able to tear his eyes from the man’s face, his breath caught again at the sight of the rest of him. He clearly worked out, if the muscles making his t-shit stretch were anything to go by, but he wasn’t tall — perhaps only a couple of inches larger than Regulus himself, and he reached only a measly 5’7. Something shining in the sun caught Regulus’ eye, and he saw a thin metal bracelet on one of the man’s wrists.

”Hey, James!” Sirius called, climbing out of the car and snapping Regulus out of his trance. He’d made it to the boot to pull Regulus’ suitcase out before Regulus had even managed to open the passenger door.

”Padfoot!” James called with just as much enthusiasm — that was, far too much considering they lived together and had presumably seen each other just a few hours ago before Sirius had left to pick Regulus up. “And mini Pads!” he added, spotting Regulus finally getting out of the car.

Regulus shot him a swift glare for that nickname. He may be cute, but looks could only get him so far.

8. the warmth of your arms rivals the sun (its burning out)

this is another ive covered in another ask but i love it so im still gonna talk about it. youre exactly right, by the way — it is a hmt sequel! i guess the naming conventions were similar enough ahaha. its very james-centric with background storylines, and focuses on much heavier themes than those in hmt. i wont go into what they are, but anyone who was around during chapter… four? five? i dont remember, but it was early on. i added some tags, then took them away once i decided id split it into two parts. if anyone remembers those tags, that’s what twoya will cover :))

14. sirius is actually helpful for once wtf

this is planned to be a shorter fic, but still multi chapter. its pretty much just sirius shipping jegulus and doing everything he can to get his two favourite people together :) not written yet, but ive got a fair bit planned so far

bonus: snooker au

okay so, i would love to say i’ve worked on this some more since then but… i haven’t :( i really want to, but i want to do it well, which i know will take a lot of time. but, the details i have so far:

its the snooker world championships. regulus black’s first, but james potter’s third. sirius black — former world champion — is the estranged brother of the newbie regulus black, and the mentor and best friend of james potter, who was second place two years ago, but couldnt compete last year due to an unrelated injury, though healed up now. james, of course, is head over heels for regulus. regulus, of course, pretends hes not pining madly for the boy who stole his brother. sirius, of course, pretends hes not offended or hurt that regulus wont even try to fix their relationship. he also just happens to be stealing glances at remus lupin, who came fourth last year and seemed rather close to regulus. theyre all hopeless, and determined to win.

thanks for your ask! <33

[floralhuqzz]

Apology.. (Johnnie Guilbert x fem reader)

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

warnings: a bit angst

🦇author : I apologize if theres any misspelled words, english is not my first language:)

♱

“Im just tired you know?..” ive been on the phone with my best friend for hours now.

“you just gotta tell him how you really feel y/n,, you can just be ignoring what he does to you and not tell him that its affecting you.” she was right. This past month Johnnie has been almost completely ignoring me, always coming home late, and barely spending time with me… At first i thought I was the problem but what could ive possibly done wrong? Ive been nothing but worried about him, but he keeps refusing to talk to me.

“I just…I just dont get it.” i looked sad, and how couldn’t i? i WAS sad,, Ive been dating Johnnie for 2 years now and he is acting like a total stranger.

“if something happens you know you can always stay at my place y/n” she kindly smiles

“i know… thank you so much… you’re re the best” i smile back

I hear the front door open, “it must be Johnnie” i thought to myself

“Johnnie’s here ive gotta go i love you” i whisper

“ok good luck honey” she smiles as she hangs up

I stand up from my bed and walk out of mine and johnnies shared bedroom..

“Hey babe” he says as he walks towards me to give me a kiss

“hey” i kiss him back and as i was about to walk away he takes me by my arm

“hey whats wrong?” he looks at me confused but i could still feel the worry in his eyes

“what do you mean? im good.” i look at him

“you dont look good to me, just tell me whats the problem” he sounded a bit angry now

“whats wrong with ME?” i point my finger to my chest. “Johnnie whats wrong with YOU” i point at him

“What are y-“ i didn’t let him finish his sentence

“You have been acting weird for this past 1 month Johnnie, why? did i do something? tell me Johnnie.. Ive been nothing but kind to you and worried and thats how you pay me back, for gods sake im the only one communicating in this relationship”… I continue now starting to tear up “You have been ignoring me for this past month… We have been together for 2 years Johnnie… Why are you treating me like this? What the fuck did i do to you to deserve this?…” i wipe my tears “i dont deserve this…”

Johnnie stood there without saying a word, he looked sad, did he feel bad?

“Im….im sorry..” he starts walking towards me

“thats the only thing youre gonna say? youre not even going to give me a proper explanation?..” i looked pissed

“Ive been a complete fucking dick head… I shouldn’t have pushed you away..” he puts his hand on my cheek “I thought you were going to leave me..thats why i distanced myself..”

“why?…”

“i kept overthinking it.. i thought you deserved someone better than me and i freaked out and…completely fucked it all up..im so sorry y/n im… im a fucking idiot,, i wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to leave me i-“ i cut him off

“i dont want..to leave you..” it broke my heart he thought i wanted to leave him..how could i? he is the most important person in my life

he looks at me like he wants to cry too

“you dont deserve me…” he tears up

“johnnie dont say that…we will get through this,, okay? but only if theres communication babe… relationships cant work without communication” i get close to him as he nods

“youre right… im sorry..” he hugs me tight

“i love you so much “ i say as i began to tear up again, he takes my face with both of his hands and wipes my tears “i love you more…and again im so sorry ill make it up to you..” he kisses my forehead as i smile.

“wanna go out? go eat?” he asks me “can we just stay here and watch a movie?”i say as i look at him “of course princess, anything that you want” he kisses me.

Finally, it was all over, all those past days in pain,, they’re gone. It almost feels like i can finally breathe now…Me and Johnnie spent the night watching movies and cooking together, catching up since we barely spoke those past few days, it felt good, it felt right…

.

.

.

.

me right now after finishing this fanfic at 3 AM:

[mourning-star-daily-comet]

FINALLY!! SOMEONE talking about the weird runaway blonde girl (Claire?) and the Nicholas Wilson boy case. I haven't been able to find ANYTHING on them for MONTHS!! my neighbors are starting to think I made the whole thing up!! I swear, true crime is never taken seriously as an interest. it seems even you haven't posted about the case in a while, has it gone cold? or have you heard any updates? do you have any sources you'd recommend I check out? the subreddit has gone to shit, unfortunately :/

finally somebody is talking about the subreddit! it's nothing but propaganda on there or memes and shitposts made by accounts i can guarantee have never even visited, much less lived here (which if we've somehow forgotten was the entire reason it was created??? its ridiculous but the mods are all inactive so they arent doing anything about it)

anyways, i dont like to say much about my personal life (for anonymity reasons) but since ive already seen speculation about it, i might as well address my inactivity. i was, like a few of you guessed, in custody for something unrelated that i won't get into. im hoping to be back posting now, but im still figuring a lot of stuff out legally so i'll be a lot less active.

now thats out of the way, yes, i have a very important update! the two of them were found around a month ago when a 911 call was placed about an empty car parked in the middle of the highway. claire was taken in for police questioning. ive gotten back in contact with one of my original sources, and though it hasnt been made public information yet, nicholas was not as at the time he was in critical condition due to injuries and was hospitalized. my souces claim that he was found with multiple broken bones as well as many smaller injuries. fortunately, he survived, so im hoping once he recovers he can finally give out the full story of what happened.

this is speculation but i definitely believe, due to the evidence that has been presented, that claire was the sole perpatrator of the crimes and nicholas was forced into joining her. the state he was found in is INSANELY suspicious, considering that sears died from head trauma. ive seen some people theorizing that he threatened to turn her in, so she attemped to kill him the same way. this would explain the fact that the car was so hastily parked in the middle of the road.

the only thing about this theory that doesn't add up is that he was also found to be in an extremely severe state of blood loss, though he did not have any major wounds that would cause this. the only other explanation i can come up with is that claire's attack wasn't sudden as people are believing, but deliberate, the blood loss pointing to him possibly suffering other injuries over the time they were on the run. this recontextualizes everything we know about the case but it is the only theory (that i've seen) which explains that aspect, since as far as i know no one else has the insider information that i do.

so though the case is still technically unsolved, it is relatively clear what happened and a basic timeline can be construed due to the line of events that we know took place. im hoping to hear nicholas's statement in the future. so far he has either refused or been unable to speak on the case.

ill make an update when we get more information

-msdc

[d0d0-b0i]

(SPOILER FILLED) alrighty, time for some more cohesive thoughts on prime for me (since my last one was written directly after finishing it and now its had time to sit in my brain) (long post btw, i ramble @w@)

overall, i very much enjoyed it! the animation had me positively salivating over the fact that its /actually/ using animation techniques and not just. moving characters from A to B without the time for proper stylization. the overall plot was enjoyable and i am excited to see what the rest of the season will offer.

the fact that it is only one-third of the whole season also makes me a lot more forgiving about certain flaws i found at first, like only showing three worlds and not giving the characters a lot of time to breathe. theres the very high likelihood that such a thing actually will happen, and we might even see more places and worlds, which is an exciting thought! nonetheless, going in i did not know this as i was sleep deprived and had forgotten how many episodes the season has, so i felt a little bit salty, ngl.

Devon Mack does a very good job as sonic, and it makes me feel warm inside hearing his portrayal! every actor does a great job honestly, and it truly feels like they all understand the respective character they voice act(especially considering they have to acclimate the character /and/ voice for each new world. very talented!). the eggman voice actor could use some rerecords at times honestly;; but he does a good enough job that i only notice it sometimes; and he is fun to listen to regardless, and is just a subjective thought of mine.

the different universes also intrigue me! :D i really enjoyed the first one the jungle one was interesting and had beautiful flora models, but it is with this one that a problem of mine arises (but ill get to that later). the waterworld was also interesting, but kind of boring worldwise, since its just. water. (i get that its a pirate world and thats fine! i just cant give a good description of my feelings besides just. water. yknow?)

ive seen that a lot of people think rouge shouldve been the captain in the third world and. honestly. yeah. i think we might get to see why later on? but idk. i hope they have a reason that makes sense as to why she isnt, like if the worlds stick around and dont fuse back, shed be the next captain? weh! (i do love knuckles in a captains outfit though, so bonus points for that!)

now. i only have a few “criticisms”, and although some can be attributed to not being intended for me(and i will therefore not include cus. duh), there is one thing i just cannot let slip by.

(CRITIQUE START) the issue i have is that it feels so empty. new yolk (i refuse the yoke) is populated, but later episodes only really reuse the same five models roughly multiple times and i think had at most like 30? of them at the same time, and obviously could not have had more due to budget and such (which is understandable, but that still doesnt mean i cant point it out).

the jungle episodes! THE JUNGLE EPISODES?? ONLY HAD 5?? CHARACTERS MINUS SONIC (froggy counts) AT ALL TIMES?? and even the flashbacks only show those, probably so as not to imply death but like. come on. not even a few background characters at all? am i meant to believe they will all die out anyway simply by being the last people on this earth? im sorry i just cant get over this. you can make sean mcloughlin, mr jacksepticeye, get a cameo and his own personal character model, BUT CANNOT EVEN FILL A JUNGLE WITH PEOPLE?? did i miss something? if theyd shown even /one/ bg character once in a single frame in the flashbacks, id forgive it but i. cannot. im sorry. im nitpicking but come on! this is like the only issue i have. you only have 11 of the original characters in the first place (sonic. tails. knuckles. amy. rouge. big. froggy. shadow. eggman. orbot. cubot.), and then half of them are pretty much gone most of the time.

i just. its so empty? DO NOT GET ME WRONG I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS. I DEEPLY ENJOY THIS SHOW! I LOVE THE CHARACTERS WEVE GOTTEN TO SEE !!! THAT DOES NOT MEAN I CANNOT COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMETHING I HAD TROUBLE PROCESSING. if its gonna be a show about sonic and his friendships. where the fuck are the rest of them? is all we’re gonna get homages to their characters? (jungle knuckles was just sticks. come on now. just put her in shes already canon to the mainline games now) sega, if youre going to make a show about his friendships, why wont you let his friends be there? why can you only license 11 of your characters to the show? please make me eat my words.

and yeah you could say that the reasons others arent there (in-canon, not because of legal issues) is because they werent hit close-up with the prism shatter, but neither was big? he was shown to be down by the hills when it exploded, and i dont know if that counts considering that orbot and cubot arent even in any episode besides the first one, and they werent visible in the blast, i do not know what the blast radius would be to affect anything else. eugh. idk man. this is like the ONE issue i have, and its so small it feels meaningless. yeah yeah the budget the tight grip on characters yadda yadda i get the reasons behind it but it still affects the endgoal and i should be allowed to point it out.                                                                                                                     (CRITIQUE OVER)

that being said. i am in love with the character designs! especially a big fan of sonics gloves and shoes in the pirate world. i fuck w/ that very much <3

anyway, thats it. show good. binge it if possible! we need netflix to know that we like this. and maybe theyll realize that one episode per week for this show would be perfect (im looking at you episode recaps)

[mental-health-advice]

Hello!

(tw mentions of sh but nothing graphic)

I really dont know if this is the place for this, if so simply being able to write this out is probably helpful. I am in a romantic relationship with someone who self harms (were both 19). This was a thing i knew about before we got together, we were both going through a rough patch then and bonded a lot of beinf able to talk about our problems, i think back then i was so busy dealing with my own mountain of problems and thoughts of self inury (that i luckily never followed through on) that worry for someone else didnt even fit.

While all the resources I can find are really helpful im at a bit of a loss now, ive done everything right, i already had expierience with other friends and myself. They are in therapy and are on the path to healing, take good care of the wounds generally and we can openly comunicate about this and generally have been able to do so effectively.

These last few months however theres been more slip ups than before. I know progress is not linear, and its still much a work in progress (this has been an issue for 7 years, 1 year of recovery is obviously nothing). I am incredibly proud of the progress they have made, last year it was twice weekly trips to the ER, so even twice a month is huge already. also know they wont be able to quit or even signficantly reduce the self harm until they move out, since their family is unstable and does everything wrong (gets angry, threatens with ultimatums, generally extremely scared of their scars).

last few times with a slip up its made me freak out too, I have an anxiety disorder which this now triggers (i used to have a slightly better grip on this) I try to remain calm and helpful for their sake, but its mostly incredibly upsetting im not there to help them, and i know being there to talk helps but ive run out of material ways to help. It also feels like it proves my fear that something will always go wrong, which can lead me to have panic attacks. Ive talked about this with them of course and we get through it together, i really want to be better at keeping a slightly leverer head though. I used to have counceling too who helped me, but since i turned 18 and finished school im now on a waitinglist for adult help, and while talking to other friends helps somewhat its still generally makes me panic, sleep badly and sometimes have nightmares. I really love them, whenever were together we bring out the best in eachother and im afraid if i talk about this too much to people theyll tell me to break up with them.

we have plans to move in together for university next year, which im sure will help a lot (i know they wont magically heal then either, but ill be there as a more sturdy support and theyll be able to access ER, etc without being shamed) and ill have a therapist again then too, so its just these coming months that are going to be very rough. I just never know how to calm myself down, i know its not rational (they are hurt but never badly, they always talk to me about it, their psychologist will generally help too) i also know im allowed to feel sad and scared, i just want to be more in control.

back when i had a therapist she used to talk about trying to stay at my own feelings, not getting dragged down into someone else. But i just dont know how to do that, whenever it happens its just so sad and i hate it. No matter how much i remind myself even after ive allowed myself a period to be sad that itll be okay and they are relatively safe and i see them every week it feels so awful. Its not very tennable to ruin my whole night, next day on this every time. sorry this is sooo long but i feel the context is important as ive gone through a lot of advice, thank u tho.

Hey there,

Whilst I think that it is great that you have been able to help this person for such a long period of time, unfortunately it is not always sustainable no matter how much we would like it to be. This though doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try if you want to, I am just trying to point out that unless you look after yourself too and put a bit of a barrier between you and this person then it is likely that things may not change or improve for YOU.

I know how great it can feel when we help another and especially when we see such big improvements for the person we are trying to help and support, but the end line is that we can only do so much until we ourself begin to crumble or struggle a bit (which it sounds like you are to some degree) and so I am wondering if you can put some space between this person and you at all to focus on yourself a bit more and self-care may be of some benefit to you.

In regards to this person, any day of no self-harm is an amazing achievement and no amount of set backs or slip ups/ relapses can take these achievements away from them. It’s important to know that that recovery comes from within and so unless this person chooses to and is ready to focus on their recovery then it is unlikely that things will change for them and they will still be in survival mode. This is in no way your fault, and nor is there much you can do about it as we cannot choose recovery for another person, it has to be when they are ready and choose to try to commit. And even then, it’s quite normal to go back to survival mode and go back and forth between recovery and not, this does not mean they are not still trying, but rather they are just human like everyone of us are. I remember in my own recovery away from self-harm I did go in and out of trying to not self-harm depending on how strong I felt on the day and what triggers may have come up that made me want to self-harm, this didn’t mean I wasn’t trying or that, it was just that I was really struggling and the urges to self-harm were too strong to try and fight them.

So, what can you do?

To begin with try to be patient with yourself and this person and know that even when they seem to not be trying, they actually are. Try to put some space in between you and this person to enable you to look after yourself too. You can do this by practising good self-care (trying to eat healthy, doing some exercise a few times a week and trying to get a good nights sleep) and tyring to have some ‘down time’ where you can simply just think about yourself and do some things that you enjoy doing whatever that may be. I know that you may feel selfish and bad for taking some time out for yourself, but if you don’t look after yourself then it won’t be sustainable to help support others and be there for them if you choose to do so.

In regards to how it can make you feel when this person does self-harm or is struggling quite a bit, as your therapist mentioned to you, try to take a step back and allow yourself some time to grieve or feel sad and try to be kind to yourself – I know how it can feel like a loss to you as well when someone is struggling and self-harms as a result, but in reality it has nothing to do with you and how much or how little you are there for the, it is bound to happen anyway and this in no way reflects on you and how good a job you may be doing to support them through difficult times and days.

I know that you mentioned that it can cause great anxiety when they do self-harm now, and so when this happens, again, try to be kind to yourself and do try to take some time out for you. And I know, this is much easier said than done, but it will get easier though with practice and it may also be helpful to check out our page on calming anxiety and panic as well for some more ideas on different coping strategies.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

[despite-everything]

i feel like every time i finally feel at peace about going no-contact with my mother something happens again that makes it sickening and one of the hardest things i've done.

i don't think i've ever burst into tears like this before. i dont even cry that often but im just really fucking going through it tonight. my mother texted me photos of the land she's bought down in central texas to build a ranch house on. when i was a kid, my grandparents had ranches. my grandmother was raised on one, too, and its gone back in our family. so i grew up on the ranch for holidays, long weekends, and portions of the summer. when my grandmother died and my parents divorced when i was a preteen, i went with my dad and my connection with that side of the family was almost severed because of my mothers tendency to spread lies and rumors which made me and my father unwelcome. a few years ago, the ranch became public property which is something im grateful for, but its weird to go back and visit, and i live nowhere near there anymore.

i basically went no-contact with my mother two years ago when she used my grandfather's death against me in a really terrible way. that was my grandfather who ranched. i long to be back in central texas. i feel so at home there. but im trans and unless i get one of a few very specific jobs (probably in austin) i wont go back and that breaks my fucking heart. my mother still texts me sometimes, and i havent blocked her because ive been informed of major family news from her even though i cant respond. she bought some land a few months ago and is building on the property and is going to move back to texas. she sent me update photos of the land tonight as well as a story about a beautiful coyote skeleton picked clean by buzzards on the property. i was the family member who collected bones from the ranch. i genuinely burst into tears when i saw the photos.

and then she followed up by talking about how she intends to build a small ranch house and a small guest house for friends and family to feel welcome and visit. and i just can't stop crying. that's all i've ever wanted. my grandparents had several ranches, but sold them. they asked every other person in the family if they'd be willing to take it over and manage it except for me - the one person who had always wanted to do that. but no one asked me and it was at a tumultuous time in my parents marriage so i didnt know until years later and too late. and theres almost no chance in hell i could ever afford property like that unless i inherit. and since all the ranches were sold and my grandparents are dead, i don't think that will ever happen to me. the ranch they lived on was The Ranch in the sense that it had a guest cabin and enough space for family to visit and at holidays there'd be 12-15 of us. i fucking miss that so much and theres no way to get it back and i know that but the fact that my mother is managing to re-create that same thing and i can't be part of it without hurting myself immensely is so sickening to me.

like i feel like im rambling and just sound stupid or ungrateful or something but its like ive been coming to terms with the fact that i'll never have an intact family again and im never going to have access to "home" unless i create one from scratch and i miss living in texas even with the bad parts and i miss the ranch and my family and this woman who has hurt me so fucking much suddenly gets to have this amazing life where she's becoming the new family matriarch and creating a place for everyone to gather and be happy hurts so so so much. im scared i will forgive her. ive cut her off then accepted her back before and it only made things worse. if i know whats good for me i'll stay away. but it's like the thing i've wanted more than anything else in the entire world is being dangled in front of me but if i accept it i might as well kill myself.

[alivehouse]

(While sending this ask I've accidentally found out what cool wallpapers (literally) you have on your desktop blog theme.)

Well, good day, my dearest horror podcast Virgil,

I, surprisingly to myself, actually finished "I am in Eskew" and enjoyed it quite a bit (which, I guess, could have been deduced by how much I spammed in the tag) even more surprisingly, considering I'm absolutely not a horror person - I substitute horror movies with their wikipedia retellings. Unironically.

Anyway, firstly, thank you! I definitely would have never discovered it without your recommendations!

Secondly, maybe you have something else like that stashed up your sleeve? I definitely need some time to recuperate, but I would like to explore more cool podcasts. (The only two limitations: short-ish - not much longer than this one, the view of a hundred+ episodes scares me; not gorier than this one/no actual jump scares - again, I'm a scardicat.) I remember you talking about "Mabel Podcast" and at the first glance it seems neat, but I'd like to hear your comments on it first.

Thanks in advance. :)

(thank you! its a william morris thing i edited a little lol) glad you liked eskew! its been fun seeing your thoughts on it popping up in the tag, not spammy at all.

i do want to mention that the creator of eskew also has another podcast called The Silt Verses, personally i havent listened to it for weird brain reasons so not sure how well it fits your criteria but ive heard its also very good

mabel podcast is another favorite! the creators of mabel and the creator of i am in eskew were both inspired by shirley jackson's the haunting of hill house to an extent iirc, so even though the stories are very different some elements of them have a similar 'feel' to them imo. i will say that mabel is very different stylistically though (especially the earlier episodes) which in my experience people seem to either love or hate. whereas in eskew you get a pretty continuous narration from david or riyo, in mabel youre mostly listening in on a series of somewhat disjointed voicemail messages. id definitely recommend at least giving the first few episodes a go, dont get discouraged if you dont feel like you dont understand whats happening right away. all you really need to know about the story going in is that youre following Anna, whos a live-in carer for an old woman named Sally. Anna is trying to contact Sallys next of kin (the titular Mabel), but shes strangely out of reach.

ok i know you said youre not a huge horror person but if you ever are feeling a little more daring id suggest trying out The White Vault. theres a small amount of gore (descriptions of finding hearts and teeth) and some uh. wet ripping sounds in it but its really not that bad all things considered, just know that it is straight horror though. its a found footage podcast that follows a group of people whove been hired to check out a remote outpost in northern norway thats gone dead, but a storm leaves them stranded there, and as time goes on it becomes clear that they arent exactly alone. this ones a little longer i think, but tbh ive only listened to the first two seasons, it felt like a natural place for the story to end to me

and then on the complete opposite side of the spooky podcast spectrum, if you want something thats a ghost story but really not horror at all imo, i just finished listening to Midnight Radio a few weeks back. this ones *really* short, like 10 episodes that are ~20 minutes each short, so its definitely lower commitment. in this one youre listening in on a radio show hosted by Sibyl, who died decades earlier but can still be heard waxing poetic about her hometown in the dead of night.

ok LAST ONE havent finished it so wasnt sure if i should rec it but a lot of people on my dash hype up Archive 81 so i thought id mention it at least. guy is hired to listen through a bunch of creepy tapes in some archive out in the middle of no where. classic horror podcast stuff. similar to eskew in that it pivots from mostly being mostly anthology into an overarching plot as you go on

[blookmallow]

and the end of the death game 

i m laughing 

why are you like this 

is she not. aware that’s just a head. are you not concerned 

rip reko..... i guess ultimately it didn’t Really matter which sibling survived huh

i still don’t understand why the fuck this twist happened but i love Suddenly Evil Ranmaru so much. i hope there’s never an explanation and he just decided to be fucked up now actually. whats wrong with him. where did this come from. i love it 

anyways,

hi this is so fucked up 

absolutely cannot believe this worked 

ah, yes. the only logical explanation. they didn’t bother putting mai’s gloves on because they just sucked so much 

i cannot FUCKING BELIEVE “completely batshit antagonist character does some fucked up bullshit with his hands” is happening AGAIN, 

like i don’t want to accuse yttd of being a dangan ronpa ripoff because it’s generally like. clearly inspired by but not directly copying from dr. but like. really. really 

HOWEVER, i like midori intensely more than komaeda and i dont completely understand why that is myself. i think its bc midori is just fucked up. he’s not trying to be anything other than fucked up. he’s having so much fun. komaeda is an inconsistent mess of a person who sometimes wants you to step on him and make him eat dirt and other times acts like he’s better than everyone else to the point of being completely insufferable. komaeda seems like hes somehow getting off on everything you do to him no matter what. i dont know i cant explain this either but i still hate komaeda so much 

im betting his various organs are just gonna keep showing up places now. he’s gonna end up not being actually dead somehow because of some ai program or some piece left behind somewhere im calling it right now 

hes like a cockroach you can’t really get rid of him, ever 

i feel like im just completely losing track of what the fuck is going on anymore i think there’s been a few too many fakeouts and sudden twists at this point but i am kind of honestly glad q-taro ended up dying for everyone. since he was so willing to sacrifice them all and too fucking coward to take a few poison hits he knew he could survive in order to save a child’s life and. justifying letting a child die because they’re Not Useful Enough or whatever that bullshit was. i forget if that was about gin or kanna 

like im probably supposed to be sad about this but. eh

anyway ive lost track of who’s even alive at this point now i had a lot of mistakes with the drills : ) i think it’s scripted though because i tried going back and choosing a different coffin and the same results happened anyway 

im trying to catch up liveblogging after its been a minute since i finished this so i dont even remember who’s dead now i think all the dummies got shredded. mr. Not Sou got dead but i do not for one moment believe he’s actually permanently gone 

HEY EXCUSE ME I’M SORRY WHAT 

I WAS NOT INFORMED. THAT THIS WAS NOT A COMPLETED STORY. HELLO. EXCUSE ME. HELLO 

:( :( 

[lifehealed]

thread wishlist:

some of these might be repeats/threads ive already done but i cant remember :') i just wanted to get some thoughts down since i feel like it can be helpful to have preestablished ideas!!

amaryllis revealing that she cant heal anymore - ive probably touched on this in a thread but its been so long that i want to have this on the list anyways. a dead giveaway to this would be the fact that she utilizes first aid instead, despite in the past having nine times out of ten used her powers instead due to the convenience and success rate. this is something incredibly shameful to her, and its something she's kept bottled up inside since she's woken up to the modern era. the weight of it is absolutely killing her, but she doesn't know what to do about it/who to confide in. this would probably be the most emotional by far and its not even close.

amaryllis showing her new arms - she hides them with gloves at all times to avoid unnecessary stares/looks in public. a woman with pale blue arms (that which resembles xerneas' antlers no less) is quite the unusual sight. she lacks a lot of confidence in herself both due to this and from the lack of her healing abilities. this could also lead into her divulging just what exactly happened to her, and where she was for all those thousands of years.

someone from modern times recognizing amarllyis/knowing who she is - through historical texts from kalos' warring era, amaryllis is named in full and is referenced a few times. history buffs that hear her name or know of the legends surrounding her via these texts would be in for a shock to learn she exists in these modern times, despite the legends stating she had gone missing (and presumably was dead). she can give firsthand accounts of certain things, and fill in missing blanks of said texts and legends.

more threads set 3000 years in the past - this is a more difficult one and is probably reserved for ancient muses that were alive back then.... but i know there's some of yall roaming around still, so come HERE. its a super fun era to explore and flesh out further, especially given amaryllis was such a different person before. she had much more confidence in herself, but also was inundated with the horrors and reality of war.

amaryllis traveling outside of kalos - she should probably get a bit more acclimated with all of the changes that occurred IN kalos itself before she sets off for other places, but that's okay! in my obsession with throwing all of my muses into area zero for whatever reason (i just think its neat i guess), her winding up there somehow would be SO COOL. i dont know how it would happen really given the high security entrances, but i know it would be a place of utter awe for her. the overall feeling/vibe of the place would be incredibly ethereal to her, and she wouldn't be able to get over how stunningly beautiful it is. also, i need her to have a paradox mon of Some Sort. it would follow her because it likes her :) another place of interest would be galar's glimwood tangle, for obvious reasons. being part fae herself, she would feel so at home and at ease there. it would remind her of xerneas' domain, in a way.

amaryllis regaining her healing powers - this is something that i want to do a bit later down the line (after getting some of the above items taken care of) but her regaining her powers/being able to heal again would be a really fun thread. im still not sure what would cause her powers to manifest again (a moment of peril or something similar?), but they would absolutely be far stronger than they were 3000 years ago thanks to xerneas' aura inundating her own.

amaryllis revealing her fae heritage - there's some strange things about amaryllis, such as some strands of her hair shining iridescently in both the sunlight and moonlight, the fact that iron hurts her, and other qualities that aren't quite human in a sense. this is why fairy pokemon absolutely adore her, beyond the fact that xerneas' aura is now present in her own. it's always been that way, ever since she was a child. fairy pokemon were often seen around the dubosque home in general thanks to her family's fae blood.

[the-words-i-never-said]

you dont get to be friends with those you've mistreated

i know it's sad, but it's a very simple math. if you have been rude or mean to someone, despite how you really feel, you will drive them away. ive lost a few friends like this, my child, and it still hurts me occasionally when i think about the friendships I've lost.

i had a friend, once, that I met while I was an intern for a company. we made jokes all the time in chat messages, we would occasionally grab some food, it was nice. then, i made a big embarassment of myself because i had a crush on them, and we had gone out to brunch and i had misinterpreted our friendship for something more.

we somehow ended up back at her place, i guess to quickly grab something, and i took a shot and gave her a kiss. it was immediately frigid and quiet. she stammered about having some plans that just came up, and i made up an excuse abiut having go home.

i immediately texted her as i walked home that i was absolutely sorry, so embarrassed, i totally misread the situation. she forgave me, tried to be encouraging. however, i then was rude to her a few months later. i think i still felt that pang of rejection mingled with the crush.

we really stopped talking after that. it was a bit sad, a bit awkward, but honestly that had been the essence of our friendship: misunderstanding each other, me having done things that i later realized were interpreted as rude, and to this day i realize that itbhadnt really been a friendship after all. I'd not treated a person with attention and respect theyd deserved. i dont want to go into every nitty gritty detail, but i looked back and realized:

I'd not included them in any group activities, even though I'd talked about different things that had been done.

i never checked in on them and asked how they were doing

i was petty (in private, at least) after i got rejected

not my best moments. well, no matter how i feel now, the simple fact remains: treat people with kindness or respect, or they don't stick around. i know it sounds obvious, but it's not always obvious when you're going through such a moment, or experience. especially if there's a mismatch between intention and impact. try to be aware of your actions, kid.

tqm

[axesilly]

i cant afford therapy so im going to talk about my troubles on here because i dont know what else to do 👍 i dont know if this will reach anyone but it might make me feel better. sorry if its a bit lengthy, ive had these feelings for a while

for the sake of anonymity and my own safety i will not be mentioning any names of people, towns, or schools :]

so im in college, im an art major. im from a small town with nothing to do except go to a mall the next town over and im going to college in another small town 5 hours away from home. this small town also has jack shit to do unless you drive 45 minute to an hour away. im currently in my spring semester of my freshman year and i have gotten so absolutely mentally and physically drained since i got a fast food job. i got a job making pizzas at yknow one of those big chain corporations pizza places, and the store i work at has only been open a few months. its absolutely chaotic and no one knows how to do anything except a few select people. my boss, the general manager, also doesnt know how to do anything because its his first time doing something like this. one of the other managers also only works there because hes friends with the general manager and he is not the greatest person, as he tends to sexually harrass the staff including a friend i made there. now ive already put in my two weeks last saturday, but that doesnt take away from how drained this job has made me.

Since the spring semester started ive been constantly piled with work (one week i was scheduled 6 days in a row when i had a big project to work on, i had a breakdown at work to my general manager), writing assignments, and project after project. (not even kidding my drawing professor gives us a new project the same day we turn one in) in my senior year of high school i loved fine arts and i believed that i wanted to follow in my art teachers footsteps and pursue my love of art and make art for my career. and while i do still love fine arts and making art, i just cannot do this constantly. since just before my spring break i started not going to my classes as consistently and i swore to myself i would start going again after the break. well that break just made it worse it seems because everything has just gone more and more downhill. i have still been missing classes because some days its difficult to get out of bed and i do not have the motivation to go to class just to sit there and not be able to pay attention for an hour/hour and a half. im behind on a project for one of my classes because i havent gone since ive been back from spring break (two weeks). i have an exam for one of my classes soon and im not even close to prepared. i had a 3 page essay due last night i started but havent finished (luckily i can turn it in a little late). it may sound lazy but these are my real struggles with my mental health. i feel trapped here. i do have a license and a car, i do have transportation so i can go places, but its such an old car it has so many problems (one which has arisen recently being if i stop somewhere and turn my car off, it wont crank back up immediately and i have to wait 10-15 minutes, and once it is on i have to revv it to make sure it stays on). so because of car problems and currently living in a small town im frustrated because it feels like i cant go anywhere to do anything fun. i feel trapped in my dorm and in my mind.

now comes the college problem. the college i go to currently is a nice school, i get 8 meals a week on my meal plan included in my tuition. theres several places to choose from the eat at, theres a gym, free health exams i think. but its driving me insane seeing the same old brick buildings every damn day. i currently dont have a roommate so im in a dorm by myself which probably contributes to this feeling of lonliness. i dont really have many friends, i had more last semester but they did not keep in touch. i do have one friend that i appreciate very much and she always worries and wants to help when she sees im upset. shes a real one. but seeing the same things, learning about the same repetitive lessons every single day, has driven me insane. my art history class has been the same topics since the start of the semester, its all been about works of art pertaining to jesus, and mary, and god and the angel telling mary shes pregnant and marys purity and this symbolizing that and i understand why its important to learn about these works of art and how they have shaped art today, but i cannot stand hearing the same things over and over. im not a christian, and i dont believe theres anything wrong with christianity as long as youre not hurting anyone with your beliefs, but these topics are so repetitive ever class i have. the semesters almost over and we havent even gotten to modern art yet, and in my opinion thats what truly matters to learn about because thats what we as artists would need to look at to have a reference for how we should make our art right? art is about expressing yourself and we need to see how others making art in the modern era are expressing themselves as well. and on the topic of expressing ourselves, my drawing class, every single project, my professor has us stick to such strict criteria. one of my projects my professor actually really liked, i liked, but she took points off because i had my girlfriends name written very small where you could barely even see, because we were not supposed to have any text. i feel like i cannot even be creative and truly express myself with these projects. i dont feel like i have any real freedom with them. i love fine arts and i love making art, but not when its like this. i want to be able to make my own art that actually expresses my feelings, not someone elses criteria. because of all of this my grades have been rapidly dropping.

now i have already made the decision weeks ago that i will not be returning to this school in the next fall semester. i discussed this with my mom already as she does the majority of my paperwork and things for this stuff. she wants me to transfer to a college closer to home so i can atleast get a general studies degree. but thats not what i want to do either. she told me not to flunk my classes this semester because that will make it difficult to transfer me to another school, but how do you expect me to get good grades when i constantly feel like im in hell in my mind. i mentioned wanting to maybe take a gap year, she doesnt want me to do that. school is horrible for my mental health like this, i dont understand why society thinks we should just have everything we want to do with the rest of our life figured out immediately out of high school. well i dont. and i dont want to stay in college immediately out of high school. i want to go live my life! me and my girlfriend are long distance (we have met in person several times and shes actually coming to visit me this month, but just seeing each other for a week at a time is not enough) and i really want to go live with her! i want to enjoy living and living with the person i love more than life itself! i currently dont feel like i can do that here or back home. i want to move somewhere else with my girlfriend so we can both be happy and love life. i want to move out of state to a slightly bigger city, nothing crazy like new york or atlanta, but just somewhere bigger than a small town with nothing to do whatsoever. i do have a place in mind but im not going to say where. and when i move, after a year i can qualify for in state tuition and pursue something that makes me happier. ive always loved animals and marine animals so i was thinking i could major in zoology and marine biology and work at an aquarium or something while im working on my degree. and i dont fully know how the paperwork and things work for transferring and such, especially after a break, so i could be in the wrong, but is it really wrong for wanting the best for myself?

and to be honest with myself i know exactly why im in college and its not to get a degree. i was raised constantly being compared to my siblings. my brother is trans (which my parents are very obviously not too fond of) dropped out of college and joined the military. my sister dropped out of college after a semester, got married to a horrible man who she just recently divorced after having two children with him. and being compared to them all my life, especially to my brother, made me want to be better than them. i wanted to be the one, as the youngest, to be the first one to get through college immediately, all four years, no problem. but its just too much for me. and dropping out, moving away, im terrified. im terrified that my parents will be disappointed in me. im terrified of that face my mother makes, that tone of voice, when shes disappointed in me for something. im terrified of getting lectured and told why everything i want is wrong. its irrational. and im terified if i move away i wont have her support anymore. i wont have her to lean on when i need help with something. i was never taught where to go or how to do stuff for applying to colleges and transferring. i barely know how to do my taxes.

now i really dont know what this article-like rant of a tumblr post is gonna do. i know i dont really have a following and i dont really post on here. but i just thought itd make me feel better to collect my thoughts and put them all together like this. so far the only people concerned about me have been my girlfriend and a couple of my friends ive told about these problems. not even my professors are concerned about me, i havent even gotten a single email or question about how im doing. they say theyre all for mental health but when a student stops coming to class as often suddenly and starts failing or not turning in assignments its none of their business and i must just be getting lazy and im a horrible student yknow? anyways i think thats about it for this. again i dont really know what this will do but i hope someone has advice or support or something. im going insane here.

love to anyone else suffering similar struggles <3

[transjarlaxle]

13-25 raestoril

HELL yeah raestoril

raes is raenir's gay minstrel younger brother. i do not have content for him yet. consider this content

the rest of this list !

13. If you met your OC, would the two of you get along? oh we would get on like a house on fire. we are both gay youngest-sibling musicians who live to do fuck all

14. How does your OC want to be seen by other characters? he wants to be a light in the darkness, but not in the sort of self-aggrandizing knight way, or even like the quietly reliable dunedain - he just wants to bring a smile to the faces of those who need it, whether by his music or his presence

15. Does your OC have a faceclaim? If so, who? at the moment he doesnt - and i feel like if he did then raenir would have to, and i dont think im gonna do all that lmao

16. What is your OC's pain tolerance like? very low. which is why he's half a healer and half a ranged support. do not touch him he has glass bones and paper skin

17. What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise? the worst ive personally put him through (outside of the events of the second age and the war of the ring) is just the entirely unnecessary sibling drama. he lost his brother, and shortly after his parents (who withered from the despair of the loss), and then after three thousand years he got his brother back, but it did absolutely nothing to solve his complicated feelings

18. Is your OC more cold and detached or up close and personal? he's definitely very personable, but it's almost a front. he's very easy to talk to and he's a great listener, though <3

19. How does your OC behave when enraged? his rage is the polar opposite of his brother's - whereas raenir's is a cold rage, haunting and unrelenting, raestoril has a short, fiery temper, but he's very quick to get over it. he'll yell and bitch and moan for a few minutes, and then he'll be fine

20. Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest? only of his brother. he's easygoing and fickle until raenir's around - something about him just drives him crazy. the fact that raenir was so important to the last alliance, and that his loss drove their parents to valinor despite the fact that raestoril was still around and still needed them, any time raenir does pretty much anything it's guaranteed to wind him up.

21. Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it? OKAY yes i was thinking about this but. as a minstrel, raestoril's specialty revolves around dissonance and driving harmful magical effects through his music, and as such i'm certain his hearing is fucked. he's attuned moreso to the magic and the vibrational patterns of his music than anything else and has spent three thousand years training himself to be able to lipread most spoken languages so a lot of people don't even notice unless they're approaching him from behind or watch him closely in combat

22. What character alignment would you consider your OC to be? somewhere between neutral and chaotic good, certainly

23. What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express? his sorrow, definitely - it's the one emotion that doesn't pass through him quickly, it settles in and drags him down, and he just doesn't know what to do with it. simultaneously, he struggles to express it, especially when it comes to complicated situations, like his family

24. What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions? there was a part of him when he was young who thought he needed to compete with raenir, and follow him down the martial path. he probably would have become a hunter or a champion, some sort of ranged support dps, but he would have hated it. his place isn't on the battlefield.

25. What is your favorite thing about your OC? he's my emotional support gay minstrel. already. he's nice. he wants to help people. he's just like me. i like him <3

[meloncholy-archive]

might as well get back... a very loose barely a review of “every brilliant thing”

the past few months (or even years) have felt like a blur. its felt like ive been coasting by, not really fully registering and processing everything around me. kind of like an outsider to my own life? its like when you're on a treadmill and you set up the speed and you do all the walking/running and hell, its been minutes or even an hour! yet it doesnt fully process in your brain that you've been working at it on a treadmill? that your ankles are aching? that your hands are all shakey? that you've been sweating buckets? thats kind of how ive felt.

i think ive been too used to carrying around my fragile, bleeding, broken heart everywhere i go... to the point that i forgot it was my own heart that was aching. i dont remember a time that i havent been pretending. ive managed to fool everyone else, after all! i think ive even fooled myself at some point. i think ive distracted myself from those feelings for so long that i forgot it was even there in the first place

at the start of the year, i went thru a big change in my life. and ive realized its not just an imp year for me but also to the people close to me who are moving on w their lives, doing this and that, starting a new chapter, and so on. and, somehow somewhere along the way, i think my brain has reached a point of tipping over its contents? and it hit me real hard that "shit, i AM sad"

and thats been plaguing and clouding my mind all this time. i cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant move, its hard to breathe now. i dont feel like doing anything, i dont enjoy any of the things i used to do, i dont feel great about seeing any of my loved ones, i dont feel great about anything. i look at myself and i think, "whats the point of it all? where do i go from here? why am i even doing any of this?" it just felt worse and worse and worse and worse everyday, even if it didnt seem that way at all if you actually knew me personally (as someone who still does my day-to-day responsibilities)

anyway, my work required me to watch this movie (sounds weird but i work a creative job blah blah its a whole thing!) and i was really just planning to skim through it and get on with the work without a hitch. get it over it so i can get paid, get things on a portfolio, all that jazz just to have some routine and structure in my life or essentially do the usual, typical "responsible" thing as expected of a working adult

long story short, i ended up really engaged with the entire piece (for lack of better term) and felt every bit affirmed in every feeling ive ever felt. i remembered things from my past that correlate to the moments depicted. i felt seen in what ive been going through and have gone through. basically, i cried the entire time. i really fuckin needed this

so, to add to the list: 

1,000,001 = finding a really great fuckin movie (or any type of art!) at the right time you needed it and connecting with the material in ways you didnt expect at all