#ive internalized them i think im so cooked

[brainrotisseriechicken]

(unfinished) a bunch of clef hands

(i think ben takes photos of altos hands when hes distracted)

[axl-gets-creative]

lil scenario i cooked up from my mcr crossover au while writing diabolical shi :)

just lil silly thingz from my crossover au <3 ive been working on this au for like- a week so im glad i can start to make content abt it!

characters: Gerard Way, Daisy (OC), Frank Iero, Ray Toro, killjoys, mikey way, bli hoes

THIS IS NOT RPF, ALL CHARACTERS INVOLVED ARE WRITTEN ABOUT IN A FICTIONAL SENSE

so basically i took my mcr au and crossed it w/ the killjoys au which i also weaved in sum of my own headcannons so yeah. also i'd make this into a fic but i think its too silly to write professionally so yah-

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Context: the bitches be taking a trip thru california to visit mikey who was also taking a trip in california and they stay at a crusty ass motel six in the middle of zone 3 and run into the killjoys

Ray: Hi can we book a-

*CRASHHHHHHH*

bli faggot #1: HANDS UP THIS IS AN INVASIO-

*ANOTHER CRASHHHHH*

*KILLJOYS MAKE THEIR CUNTY ENTRANCE*

Fun ghoul: FUCK YOU BASTARD *kills w/ ray gun*

the bitches: wtf-

bli faggot #2: *appears* HEY THAT IS VIOLENCE AGAINST A GOVERNMENT EMPLO-

Jet star: RAAAAAAHHH🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅*rips out faggot #2s internal organs

blie faggot #3: OH HELL NAH I AM SKIDADDLIN MAN I AINT GETTING DUSTED BY A BUNCH OF HOMOSAPIENS🙏🙏🙏(he means homosexuals)

Party poison: GO THEN BITCH WDGAF

bli faggot #4: CAN YALL FUCKERS JUST CUT IT OUT SO WE CAN KILL U

kobra kid: WOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW SO UR GONNA KILL A GROUP OF QUEER KIDS??? WOWWWWWW HOW HOMOPHOBIC MAN I THOUGHT U WAS BETTER THAN THIS😔😔😔😔😔😔

bli faggot #4: H-HEY!!! WE'RE NOT HOMOPHOBIC!!!😖😖

Daisy: ok, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE???????

fun ghoul: bli faggots tryna invade the zones again and kill innocent ppl

bli faggot #4 & 5: *points guns at bitches*

bitches and killjoys: *collectively* HEY HEY WOAH WOAH WOAH WO-

Party poison *shoots them both cutely* 🥰🥰🥰🎀🎀🎀🎀

Party poison: ok i think we've killed all of them can we go to ikea now i wanna get a new blahaj 😋😋

Jet star: BITCH U ALREADY HAVE FOUR OF THEM TRANS ASS!

Ray: Ok, can someone PLEASE explain wtf we just witnessed instead of fighting over ikea shark plushies??

Kobra kid: uh so basically theres like this corp called better living industries aka bli and they tryna wipe out all things that rn't bland and emotionless but me and these other fag- i mean dudes are this team of rebels, we're called the fabulous killjoys u can go follow us on insta <3 and uh we basically fight them and shi to protect the zones 👍

*crickets*

Frank: oooookayyyyyy..... so r we.. safe now..???

Fun ghoul: yah

bli faggot #6: *busts😩thru window*

everyone: OH FUCK NA-

Party poison: dw hgs i got this o-

bli faggot #6: *explodes the whole function*

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context: part two of the last one 😭 so like everything explodes and they all somehow survive but since the motel went brrr the killjoys offered the bitches to stay w/ them (lowkey might make this into a fic chat..)

*the bitches squeezed into the back of the transgen- i mean trans am silently as the killjoys sang aeysha erotica aggressively*

Frank: so uh- *ehem* thx uh for the ride and everything but uuuhh were r we going?

Jet star: our hideout

Daisy: wait- what? i thought u were gonna take us to another hotel or smth??

Jet star: oh no, no no no, *eheh* that WAS the only hotel so uhhh yeah its our place or a draculoid mask <3

Ray: wtf is a draculoid mask??

Kobra kid: *turns down radio ever so slightly* looks like i have to be the paragraph guy ?? okayyy uh so its these vampire gorilla mask thingys that when u put it on, u loose all sense of self and reality and u see killjoys or rlly anyone that ISNT brainwashed by bli as like these spider thingys and they have to be "squashed" so its like their way of making killing machines for us

Ray; ........ so im guessing these ppl rlly dont like u guys

Killjoys: yup

Ray: okAy...

Frank: wait so uhh we're going west right? bc we're traveling to a friend in that direction.

Kobra kid: oh uuh- ye- *ugh* wait on sec- *yelling* FOR FUCKS SAKE TURN THE FUCKING MUSIC DOWN POISON!!!!!!!

Fun ghoul: OH FUCK U MAN * radio back up*

fun, star, and poison: GOTTA PINK PURSE WITHA RINESTONE BUCKLE KEEP A PINK STUN GUN JST IN CASE IM IN TROUBLE-

Kobra kid: im going to murder u ppl

Party poison: that violence against a transgender individual so that classifys as a hate crime <333

Fun ghoul: DAMN RIGHT MF

the bitches (exept gerard bc he went sleepy): oh my lord...

*FAST FORWARDNMSKUDCNHL*

Daisy: hey gee cmon get up we're here

Gerard: huh- where?

Frank: the killjoys crib hoe now get ur wakey wakey eggs and bakey ass up

Gerard: im sorry did u just say wakey wakey eggs and fucking bakey????

Frank: its called sarcasm dipshit

Gerard: did u just call me a dipshit??????????????????????????

Frank: r u fucking high-

Ray: *already out of the car* GUYS CMON DO U WANNA SIT AND FIGHT IN A CRUSTY ASS CAR ALL EVENING???

Party poison: HEY OUR CAR IS NOT CRUSTY 😤😤😤😤

Jet star: no no it- it is. it is poison.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

context: part 3 everyones in da crib 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥(this was originally all one part but it was too long so i split it💀)

Gerard: so uhh what now? how r we gonna get to mikey?

Daisy: OH SHIT I FORGOT ABT HIM-

Frank: how tf do u forget abt ur brother-in-law?

Daisy: OK WELL- for the record, no offence Gerard-, hes not my legal in law so im allowed to have short term memory loss ok, midget?

Ray Frank and Gee: *side eyeing eachother*

Daisy: what????

Ray: Daisy imma hold ur hand when i say thi-

Gerard: NOPENOPENOPE UR NOT SAYING SHI-

"poison busts😩into the room in a skirt so mini its exiting the stratosphere*

Party poison: I GOT PIZZA MFS🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Fun ghoul: IS THAT FUCKING PINEAPPLE

Party poison: uuhh yeah? whats wrong w/ pineapple??? 😭

Fun ghoul: BRO... ITS FRUIT. ON FUCKING PIZZA

Party poison: SO???? TOMATO IS A FRUIT AND ITS ON PIZZA AND NO ONE SAYS SHIT!!!!

Fun ghoul: THATS BC IT DOESNT TASTE LIKE A FRUIT AND MOST PPL R TOO FUCKING STUPID TO EVEN KNOW THAT TOMATO IS A FRUIT!

Jet star: OMG STFU U FAGGOTS ITS JUST PIZZA

Fun ghoul: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL U PPL TO SHUT THE FUCK UP IN ONE DAY?????????????

Kobra kid: WAIT I HAVE A SOLUTION, poison just put fun ghoul on the pizza hes fruity enough and if it doesnt taste good than we know fruit isnt good on pizza🥰🥰🥰🥰

everyone: .....

Gerard: i dont mean to chime in, but WTF kind of mentality is that??💀

Jet star: autism

Fun ghoul: kobra did u just imply that im a homosexual.

Kobra kid: wait ur not?

Party poison: *cunty gasp* FUN GHOUL HOW DARE U LIE SO HARD😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

Frank: yeah imma go get sum fresh air yall brb..

Ray: ugh take me w/ u 😭🙏

Jet star: ok everyone CALM TF DOWN ok😔😔😔 we have guests!!

Fun ghoul: idgaf let them burn <3

Kobra kid: FUN GHOUL!!!!!!😡😡😡

Daisy: type shi

Gerard: ok sooo uuuhhhhh seriously how r we gonna get to my brother??

Party poison: depends, where in cali is he?

Gerard: uhhh palmmm desert i think?

Party poison: DAYUM that is FARRRRR *bites hair in cunt*

Kobra kid: dont yall have a car or smth hoes???

Daisy: it exploded along w/ everything within a 20 feet radius of the motel 💀

Kobra kid: ohhh ritghhgttt shorry😋😋😋😋😋

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ok i have zero ideas on how to continue this so imma repost to my main blog and hopefully yall could gimme sum feedback or ideas 🙏🙏🙏

[zoieru]

international zoie day is fast approaching!! 🥳 wahh how do you and your blorbos celebrate! are any of them the type to throw you a surprise party (if you enjoy them!)??? :o I AM CURIOUS WAHH and very excited to spend zoie day with you soon sobsob 🥹💗 love you always + i hopeeee your sunday has been kind to you!!!!

COCOLOCO THE COCO-EST OF MY HEART AND SOUL, THE ONE THAT IS CHERISHED IN THE DEPTHS OF MY BEING HEHEYELLO ILU

you know~ we truly are on the same wavelength, tuned to the same channel, for today I have been thinking about exactly that, and going on and off pinterest with ideas for my day with them >///< coco is truly inside my brain like a lil guy, sat comfortably reading my thoughts with a mini microscope !! I cant bring myself to mind~

So it's not fully sorta... fleshed out yet, it'll probably take me until then to have more of an idea, these things need to coook you see~ marinate. But I do have a few things I wanna share heheh ( ◡̀ ᴗ ◡́)و

SO i am not a party person, mmmh no, at least not in the traditional sense. If i had a lot of close friends I might, but even then it would be more private x low key yk, and in the blorbos worlds I dont, really, not that ive fleshed out anyway. so far I just have a few loose ideas of the lower key stuff we'll do. I know a few (aven > kaiser) would probably try to and enjoy doing some more fancy things as well, but i havent figured that out yet

Kaiser ~

uhm so idk what exactly we get up to during the day~ [placeholder] but ik that he gets me blue touched roses because :3

he knows i like them a lot~ and theyre super pretty, and he always gets way too many because he is go big or ... go home isnt an option its just go big shjdjhsd so theyre all over his (my) apartmentmhm

headcanon which is correct - kaiser suspiciously and surprisingly likes playing with legos. building specific things i mean, like the packs. we lay around and build them in the evening, probably drinking some obscure alcohol that I like because often i dont like the taste of it (he buys it without hesitation now, but he did roll his eyes and find it very amusing that im 'picky' at first~)

also idk the first pic wit cat is just...us, hehe. maybe we find a cat. maybe we adopt said stray cat after taking it to vets !! maybe i get cat for my birthday with kaiser wait mhm yes ✍️✍️

Aven ~

Aven is the one I've decided the least about, honestly. I think he'd probably wanna take me somewhere, to sort of celebrate me but in a public space, probably where he can play everyone out of their money with me on his side ~ lol, but i need to cook that up mhm - was thinking of cooking up outfits for each of them too ( like for me ) thatd be fun

think he'd probably get me flowers like this though, something with daisies in since thats sort of my/our flower kinda heh

and i have this really cute idea of us cooking / baking ?? just something like in the pic cute to snack on, i think hed be sooooo fuckin cute baking and making things with his fingers all messy dhjdsjhsdjh nyooo !! his hair over his face a bit as he concentrates ahh >///<

Dazai ~

the morning is like it was in the routine i told you about before, but with more >////< -ing jdsjkdsjks i end up on top again by the end, baby is a pillow princess fr, but he does do most of the work this time, just for me. honoured arent i ~ ( ◡̀ ᴗ ◡́)و I ASK WHERE MY BREAKFAST IN BED IS AND HE SAYS IDK BUT I KNOW WHERE MINE IS AND THEN **** ** *** **** ******* ****'[='./[][]23-32]#'4'34/'

soft morning sex is a given for all of them i sorry its mandatory in the agreement mhm

we definitely go somewhere after the day for the sunset. probably sitting on top of one of / the building(s) we've always sat at since we were kids, and stay there for hours. we probably have strawberries and chocolate (my fave >///<) and on the way he picks some random flower or plant and puts it in my hair/behind my ear in the place of a bouquet ~ he knows im not one for 'grand' or sort of empty traditional gestures that much anyway, and he'd definitely bring me cute n pretty things he knows i like and leave them around <3 especially at this time.

[lemongogo]

have u evr thoight abt livio and vash together (not romantically like in a found family way) post trimax bc i think about it a Lot

evvery day of my goddamn life . i think about them.every second of eveyr minute. LIKE ALL THE TIMEEE !! THEY ARE SOOO SPECIAL TO MEE

anyone whos been following me for a while knows i LOVEEEE imperfect , tense relationships . be them familial, romantic , platonic , etc . i love when two people have to work around each other and come to a common understanding . i like when their experiences are so wholly different that it bleeds into who they are and how they navigate the world . i like when the communication is faulty at best , messy . unpracticed . post-trimax and even post wolfwood death livio + vash consumes me @ my core . its been a while since ive read the manga so im probably very incorrect at reading their dynamics and have instead substituted it for my own fanon, but i like viewing their relationship to one another as something (initially) strained and (initially) distanced. you have these two people , effectively strangers to one another, bound by a common person who is no longer there. who ultimately understand the direction theyre headed in and whats required of them, but feeling so out of place by either their own internal struggles or by the pressure of the world around them . livio deals with the turmoil of what his and razlo’s involvement in nicholas’ death means . vash is left to bury his friend alone and spend the coming days alongside the man who’d killed him. and yet, vash, due to the nature of his cause and love for humanity, forgives him. cooks for him. and livio and razlo learn to let themselves be forgiven. to grow from past traumas and feel deserving of good things. its not an easy path for either of them, but they do it. for themselves, for each other, for meryl, millie, for chronica and her sisters, for humans ^__^! for nicholas!!! and its soo .. GOOD.. ITS SOO HEARTY TO MEE .. the way that vash and livio so openly struggle in the chapters following ch.65, but ultimately learn to come to terms with the idea of loss, of responsibility, love, community, etc. I KNOW U R TALKING ABT POST TRIMAX HELP MEE but i like how trigun so succinctly sets up this foundation for them to beee .. close in the way i’d like to imagine. i just lovee .. the bond they wld share in having both loved / cared for nicholas . and how that gave them resolvee !! how that gave them cause for action . motivation or determination if u will. they r so bound by loss and so inextricably changed by it that when i think of them post-trimax, i think of them like two wilted weeds that have grown thru the sidewalk crack , together . they are damaged , incomplete . unsure of so many tjings , but they r ……. MY GODDDDDDD !!!sry its like . man . MANN… kiryu gif of him punching the table . MAKE ME CRAZYYYYY . in a post trimax world , they are so emotionally linked . TO MEE .. IN MY LITTLE WORLD .. they mean more to each other than words can describe . and pains me in a sense to know that .. there will be a time where livio, razlo, and vash know each other more than they ever had the chance of knowing nicholas. and i think that so bittersweet . and special. I LOVEE IT . they give me very like .. silent affirmation , comfort through physical presence kind of warmth . like they dont have to say anything to know what they mean to each other and thats ok ^__^!

my favorite & i mean FAVORITEEEE PAGE!!! is the one in which they talk atop the building before their final battle and share their sorrows indirectly. LIKE THTS SOMETHIG AB THEM THAT DRIVES ME CRAZYYY!! the fact that both of them cannot refer to nicholas by name . its He. Him. That event , you know the One . they recognize parts of themselves in each other

LIKE I KEEP THIS SC ON MEEE . ALL THE TJME BC I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IVE PROBABLY POSTED IT A MILLION TIMES BY NOWW

“when you are linked by something so strong in your hearts, it doesnt need to be said anymore” U R FUCKIG KIDDDING MEEEEEEEE . i lvoe thm godd . T___T

[gremlintooth]

AHHHGH DUDE, IVE FINALLY FOUND YOU ON HERE, YESSSS BRO, YOUR WRITING IS PHENOMENAL, (I'd say I'm the biggest lagwafis enthusiast on the internet, as soon as i read lagwafis, I bought the CD, the collectors edition pill pack white shirt, I have so so so many quotes on my Craig Tucker Shrine from the fic, and if you wanted to know, I've currently managed to read lagwafis 388 times, people believe I know it by heart, get it? "I know you by heart, Tweek" and the agonizing fact I quote lagwafis every day whenever I see a brink of reference infront of me, like let's say yesterday, I was in a store- and I saw a tub of chai latte and I was so close to screaming lagwafis reference inside of the store, I'm also cooking up some fan art (specifically from coming home) so I'll totally tag you when it's out) AHHH I'M GONNA WRITE SO MUCH ON HERE IT MIGHT GO TO THE LIMIT, okay so first, let's talk about the fanfic itself, there are SO many tiny details in this fic that have either made me laugh or cry in agony, which is a good thing, also, the characterization is TOP TIER, a lot of fanfictions tend to fall slightly short on the background characters outside of the pairing that tends to be the main focus. This was a great change, especially in Craig's group and Stan especially, everyone felt so real and totally had obvious quirks from the fandom itself that I LOVED SO MUCH, your writing evokes so much emotion that I somehow managed to feel exactly how everyone felt in a chapter relevant to them.

Let's talk about the character description choices, the way you described Tweek in almost every chapter made my heart ache in the best way possible, you made him sound like a fallen angel, the definition of ethereal, also the fact you decided on giving him that mouth scar with backstory to it is TOP TIER, I have a similar scar on my lip and whenever I see it in the mirror I think of Tweek from this fanfic, let's move on to Craig, the way you wrote his internal monologue and the way his emotions played out made me absolutely soul crushed, this entire fic left a deep pit in my heart, especially how Craig was described, Craig was written so realistically that it actually felt like he was real. He purposely blocked off his emotions to prevent himself from being seen as vulnerable, he struggled with keeping his “I don’t give a shit” personality until it all just exploded and the part that he was so vulnerable with was exposed to the entire school.

Also I see that the lagwafis anniversary is coming up soon!! I usually celebrate it every year when I get the chance to, by doing lagwafis related things and shit, this fanfic deserves way more than just kudos and comments and hits, this fic deserves the damn world and beyond, I even had literal dreams of this fic being one day announced to be an animated movie, and if it ever did I would cry and vomit in the best way ever possible, my life would be so complete if we became moots on here, also, I'm not sure if you have TikTok, but that's where I'm most known to being the lagwafis enthusiast on there, i make a lot of lagwafis related videos, my username is spacecadetcraigz, if you ever see this at some point, just know im so grateful you took your time to read through this.

I literally wish you the best life for now on

Yours truly,

Spacecadetcraig

388 times????? That’s true dedication my friend, you must read it like twice a week? Incredible, I’m so glad you enjoy something I wrote this much. I’m also so glad you love the album by Spiritualised too, it’s such a special album and there’s something so perfect about the title track that I’ve never been able to shake.

I didn’t even realise the anniversary was coming up, thanks for reminding me! It’s so weird to think I started writing that story six years ago. At that time I’d been catching up with South Park and when I first saw the Tweek X Craig episode it was my new favourite thing from the first minute in.

An animated movie would be amazing, Matt and Trey give us the rights pls, free of charge if possible (they’d so try for another billion dollar deal ahahahah)

I’m going to check you out on tiktok and if you do make fanart please tag me! I’d love to see!

[t4tdanvis]

Dante selfcest rant 👀 👀

-@gendervoid-zane

im going to shove a couple (read: many) posts ive previously made about this here and then rant about it MORE bc im MENTALL ILL!!!!!

now AHEM

u see this could work with mcd dante ending up in the mys universe OR mys dante ending up in the mcd universe - or even they go back and forth between both!! either way could be very interesting and silly

with mcd dante ending up in the mys universe, it would be very funny to watch him try to figure out what the Fuck is going on bc mf has no idea what a phone or a computer is and is just so fucking confused. at first mys dante is more focused on going "hey wanna play video games!!!" to stop and process that mcd dante doesnt even know what a video game is. and then seeing mcd dantes confusion at Literally Everything he decides to sit down and try to explain things (unfortunately mys dante is Dumb - fortunately mcd dante is equally Dumb so mys dante going "this is a phone... it does... stuff.... you can call people!! idk how they made it able to do that tho dont ask me :D" is good enough for him)

on the other hand, with mys dante ending up in the mcd universe, itd be even Crazier because mys dante (who is used to having the internet and a car and big cities etc) is now stuck in the medieval era. thankfully mcd dante is here to help!! except he does a horrible job of helping bc he just goes "well im sure he'll figure everything out!" and then hands mys dante a sword - and is shocked when he ends up getting injured. mys dante doesnt mind because running around and throwing himself into danger is fun (especially when he gets to do that with a "friend" (read: boyfriend who he hasnt figured out hes dating yet))!! mys dante is also Struggling because adhd meds dont exist yet and his brain is completely fried and he can barely function until zoey figures out how to make potions thatll help. which leads to mys dante bouncing off the walls and mcd dante having to practically drag him to bed every night to get him to go to sleep, until mys dante Finally is able to function properly again

and, of course, the inherent romantic comedy of "i cant be in love with this other version of myself nope nope nope- oh god the other version of me is hot". the first time they kissed they stared at each other for a solid five minutes before mcd dante went "so uh.... yeah....." and mys dante just went "that was like... kissing myself. haha"

they are both Dumb and do not know how to function correctly around each other. they are mischievous silly little guys who cant stop getting into trouble and getting injured and doing stupid shit (but its ok bc their friends somehow keep them from getting themselves killed). and also they definitely tried to make out in a tree but ended up falling out of it and getting hurt. and at one point they tried to make out underwater and somehow didnt realize how stupid of an idea thatd be until they almost drowned. theyre gay and silly and dumb ur honor

this post was uhhhh way longer than id expected but thats ok ty for listening to me rant sorry it took a bit to type all this LOL

[ninjastar107]

Im going to dump about Alex story because Ive cone to a realization that.. I don't think I'll ever be able to write it fully as a story. (and also! Hes my beloathed and has been cooking the most!) Genre wise its like a sci-fi Historical fiction.

SO! Alex is a cold-war computer that was built by the U.S. government under the 'Artificial Logistical Experiment', or 'A.L.Ex' project. Its primary function was to track and find nuclear warheads in various places around the world, using satellite imagery as well as something internally known as 'the Sapience'. As technology advanced, his use became obsolete, thus he was shut down and the project was abandoned.

His friend broke into the abandoned facility many decades later and put him into new hardware, allowing him another chance at existing amongst the living.

Alex did *not* take this well, but he didn't have a choice really so he took to learning about the modern world. The ice caps are gone, there seems to have been a governmental collapse at some point, the water table is significantly higher than it was, with large chunks of the US being submerged among other continents. HOWEVER, things seemed to be getting better overall, with hydrogen becoming a leading power source across the globe.

'GT', his friend who rebooted him, has his sights set on trying to figure out how to let Alex manifest in a physical form.

Meanwhile, a mysterious helper android shows up and seems very interested in Alex. GT is fine with this, Alex is amazing after all, and He along with Alex name this android 'OJ' (It's a lost shorter than PSNAR-M1-M1124). OJ doesn't talk much outside of taking orders, much to Alex's annoyance, and doesn't move much either.

GT figures out how to manifest Alex physically, and it works after some trial and error. Alex's form is made out of condensed light, like a hologram that holds some weight. He can float, but he cannot go too far from his terminal without unraveling. They go for a little walk around the block, and Alex enjoys being outside.

Someone else shows up, a person familiar to GT and Alex: Rojo. Rojo checks up on GT every now and then, the two are eternally bound after all, and is surprised to see Alex is powered on. He is a little suspicious of OJ, but tries not to think too badly about it.

In the middle of the night, OJ gets orders internally to retrieve Alex. He does so and steals GTs car, heading westward. This was not his orders, and the person who commanded them decides to pursue him.

GT is distraught but Rojo, with some coincidental luck, tells him to not give up hope. It seems that in Alex's absense, the computer has a backup Operating System that tracks its second half. The two pursue OJ this way as well.

All 3 catch up to OJ in the grand canyon, where they have a stort 'reunion' before trying to bargain for Alex's harddrive. This goes poorly, as OJ has his own plans in mind, and he jumps off and topples down into the rapids far below.

OJ takes some time to recover from system flooding before continuing his own motives. He didnt fully intend to take Alex, however he was already too far in to not do so. What he really wants is to figure out what became of his last assignment. PSNAR androids are assigned via raffle to families who need an extra set of hands, and he was captured and modified before he could complete it. He plugs Alex into his own systems, but doesnt give him priority, and explains the circumstances.

Alex is troubled to say the least. He knows the scientist who captured OJ, and he knows that said scientist is also eternally bound to GT and Rojo. 'Azul'(his name) had been missing for quite some time, and he wasnt sure what he had been up to. He makes comment that Dr. Aei went missing the same time Azul did.

OJ learns that his last assignment is OK via brute forcing a public library terminal. He also notes that he is considered terminated legally, which he knew already but reconfirmed. Alex questions it and OJ informs him that 'androids who gain a sense of self preservation forfeit their warranty', and that on the assignment before his last one he saved himself from destruction (at the cost of human life. It was a house fire v_v).

OJ returns to where he stole Alex from, and GT is estatic! Alex is less enthusiastic(he did love being elsewhere outside of his nomal area), but relieved that hes okay.

It appears that there is something else now in the computer with him... someone else. This 'thing' is a garbled mess of code, but seems to be passive of not looming. Alex takes time to try and fix this, ehile GT and OJ talk about Azul and his motives.

Azul is just one third of a person, the other two being GT and Rojo. They were split via an accident, and are each a reflection of 'Tucker', a scientist who was once Alex's best friend. It's revealed Alex once was human too, and that 'The Sapience' was actually a human mind. Project 'ALEx' initially had a human child injected into the machine (which did work btw!), but the childs father was distraught enough to also wind up in he machine. Alex does not remeber this very well.

OJ asks GT who Dr. Aei is, and GT gets really distraught.

Azul and Aei had been missing because Azul found a way to hop timelines, and Aei followed him. Azul wanted to change circumstances to be in his favor, and he told GT and Rojo that Aei is lost in another timeline, never to return. GT feels some leve of guilt for that for it is a part of him that caused it.

GT comments that Rojo is distracting Azul, and so they should be fine with staying here. OJ decides to take an extra measure and leave, just in case he can still be tracked. This gives plenty of time for Alex to fix this weird fragile OS.

The OS recognizes Alex as 'IEC-5009', and so Alex calls the OS 'IEC-5008', or just 5008 for short. 5008 cannot talk, and they are stand offish with a creepy smile. Alex enjoys the silence but does n o t enjoy them trying to 'help'. 5008 is very good at their job, almost too good for Alex's liking, however it seems that executing large tasks breaks them. It is a constant battle between repair and work.

The two learn things about each other, their shared past. Slowly, Alex loosens up, and they two become friends. Alex fixes 5008 up enough that he can talk and look a little less unnerving, and he enjoys the snarkiness and talking back that 5008 playfully dishes.

Dr Aei stubles upon OJ and asks him for help. He sais that Azul is back, and that he cannot under any circumstances get ahold of Alex. OJ knows where Alex is and returns to the place where everyone is, however they return to a crime scene and Rojo is battered and pissed. GT is helping Azul, and together Azul plans on threatening total nuclear fallout if he doesn't get the recognition and power he desires.

Alex is very angry at GT, and is doing everything in his power to not bend to Azuls commands. 5008 is there too, and they are less sucessful in resisting. Azul is more enamored at the technical wonder his 'lesser part' fixed up, and spends a lot more time digging into Alex and 5008. Azul remebers his Alex became a computer, and speculates that 5008 is what remains of the first person in the machine. He tells Alex that 5008 is a husk of what his son was, and that GT is the reason why Alex doesnt remeber.

GT is starting to weigh his options, and concludes that in a way this is all his fault. He offers Alex an ultimatum, one that Alex proposed at the start, and Alex agrees to it. Hes too dangerous to exist, and he is willing to be destoryed to save everyone from mutually ensured destruction.

Rojo shows up with the squad in the midst of GT trying to overload the generator circuit, and takes high voltage damage upon tearing out its main plug. This in turn causes all 3 reflections to collapse, leaving Aei and OJ to work out a plan.

When Azul comes to, Aei tries to reason with him once more. Azul ignores him in favor of having an epiphany that no matter where he goes or what he does, Aei will stop him forever. He is sick of this game he'll never win, and Rojo asks him anf GT if they are willing to try and be one person again.

The story ends there but theres some aftermath with Dr. Aei and some prelude with OJ that will probaby be their own posts. If you read this far, congratulations and thank you! If you have any questions for details or clarification, feel free to send an ask!

[website-com]

CW mentions of self-harm specifically cutting (rant about jokes online, discussed in the abstract. not very interesting, not worth feeling uncomfortable reading)

ive never seen a single joke made about the type of s/h that springs to mind when you read the word that didnt feel intensely uncomfortable to read or hear. i dont think its something that is good to make jokes about on say instagram reels because it is something that young people who're prone to being intensely online are Extremely vulnerable to and seeing their favourite creators or even just a fun looking stranger make a casual joke about it could have crazy knock on effects. (cont including examples of jokes under the squiggle)

these days i feel like every alternate fashion person or online personality is like 'me because if i got close enough to a barcode scanner it would go off' or whatever framed in a sort of cute, casual tone that indicates they dont see it as a big deal.

but theres this look in their eye as they tell it, i always see it, that is always so present in people who engage with passive or perhaps the term is 'non-suicidal' (self harm without the intent to end ones life by doing the action) with the intent of having a way to prove their internal pain (there are many reasons a person may do so but this is a common one) asking for you to make it worth it. for you to worry. for it to have worked. to earn the care they lacked. its so fucked up to see. it makes my skin crawl. especially because there are kids who will see it working, will see the nice comments, and think 'oh, thats all i have to do'. its weird. its both a much bigger deal than people realise and not a big deal at all. i wish people would understand the consequences of their actions. theres a reason for its uptick after the rise of social media. you are allowed to do, say, draw whatever you like, but you could hurt someone else. you do have a responsibility when posting to an app like instagram that has a randomised algorithm, or any algorithm at all. if someone can see it without seeking it out then its dangerous to post it

plus like what if someones whos trying to quit sees that? youre going to trigger them in some way or another, right? or youre going to make them feel that the only way to be rewarded is to make a joke of their own. thus continuing it. and no putting a 'CW' at the top is not enough. (i know this post has one. im posting this to my tumblr that is not teenage in its audience or content so i feel safe doing so. i dont have a 'minors DNI' because that has never worked, i just post content i feel is more appealing to people my age. if you guys are vulnerable i hope i have written this in a manner that is detached enough from emotional triggers that if you chose to read it you are able to engage with the subject objectively instead of subjectively)

also cringe is such a powerful weapon. if cool people talk about s/h it will seem cool, but if you literally just make it seem kinda lame people will stop. im not kidding. such a hard thing to navigate because obviously people need love and support but ive literally seen people stop engaging in self harming behaviours because they though it was kinda cringe.

even the way ive described it here, how i see it as a cry for someone to care when someone makes a joke about it, is appealing. it makes it appealing. its cooked man. i dunno

[onemillionbuttholes]

damn, jennifer

breakthrough in therapy alert

this has become a relationship of comfort, not one where I can grow.

this hits so deep, so well. This is fitting everything ive been feeling. this may be the "reason" ive been looking for. because we're so good when we're just hanging. watchin tv, joking around (when his jokes actually land) going out to eat. dates have been tough before but usually if we stick with topical, every day stuff like work and family, its all good. because that's where we're good; superficially; like on the dermis. and that's exactly why i get triggered on dates! because I want to discuss. with all my friends and family; literally everyone else in my life who is close to me, we discuss. we question and ask and answer and pursue and rephrase and hypothesize about it all! ive never had that dynamic with him, which i think in theory is okay (though, mb not what i need, but pin for later) but this explains why i've been feeling half empty on dates, on vacation, on large quantities of time spent together. i am not being fulfilled by him because my needs to grow and learn are not being met. and that doesn't make him a bad person!!!! like, he is still the man i love, the man that brings so much much comfort. it just makes him not the one to spend my life with.

this has become a relationship of comfort. this makes so much fucking sense. from both of our excruciatingly difficult jobs (one on one care to clients with intensive needs) to our hours of extra curriculars (me; social time, him; gym), when we do get time together at home we just need to relax. we don't have the combined energy to explore or chat or do anything except cuddle and eat; our literal fav activities to do together!!!! how did i not see this. note to future self; if the activities you get along best for are downtime; that's indicative that you need self care. a life partner is not just someone to physically sleep with.

the whole wanting to marry your best friend is maybe an unrealistic goal, but what can my goal be then? i want my life partner to want to grow. to change and learn and have the desire to better themselves and the world around them. not to say theyre acting on all of it all the time, but to have that internal desire of goodness and change. to resist change is to ignore the present, the past and the future.

hes still a good person. in searching for a reason, a why to explain how ive been feeling the past (gulp) 4 years, this is the only thing that has had me sitting comfortably. this is resonating more than anything else ive ever come up with. yes, he's been mean, but that wouldn't explain how im feeling. yes, he can be immature, can't read a room well, smokes too much yada yada yada. all true, all bother me, but again, NONE of this explains that little missing piece in my chest that aches when we're cooking dinner. that aches when we're on a walk. that aches when we're on a date. but this, right now, feels like it fits. he doesn't want to grow or change, and he's told me this much. and he doesn't want that for me. he wants to go out and have fun and explore, but he wants to come home in the evening and continue as per baseline. he's not curious about the world, he's not interested in what else lies in the daily beauty of life. he's not curious. and thats okay!!!! but it's just not what i want in a life partner.

I know its the middle of winter and im working a lot of overnights, and my overthinking has been on overdrive, so i understand why. Funny, half of my overthinking is because im trying to figure out the why of it all. I have a bad habit of intellectualizing the emotions I feel, to neatly file them into categories that logically make sense. But i've been trying to figure out why i feel this certain way for so long now, im starting to think it doesnt matter why. It just matters that it is. I feel this way, full stop

[the-whispers-of-death]

high priestess!mārīte, internally: please dont invite them please dont invite them please dont invite them-

maecetis: heyyyy :33 youre invited for tea, by the way <3

high priestess!mārīte, internally: FUCK

also. uh. it seems like ive fucked up my oWN OC LORE....... melz *isnt* the time god, his wife, steph, is. oh my god. i fucked up NDHFJKGHDS;;; melz is the god of space;;; oh my god. how did i do that. anyways.

im pretty sure all of them could withstand her realm. but maybe elly and vast just crash there, so, yeah.

mārīte is still not pleased. she doesnt like Void. at all. because its whole shtick is that its basically a 360 camera and is always watching her (and everything) so. yeah

i didnt know they ever would have beef, but here we are. i think its funny as hell tho dhghdsdh

Maecetis: Even better, another goddess of Time.

I don't know where she thinks they'll be able to cook because there's no house in the realm, but she's still inviting them all to the realm. For some reason.

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley, Dave Strider, Karkat Vantas

Candy, page 19

JADE: how cute do you guys think johns baby is going to be

JADE: like on a scale of 1-11???

DAVE: i dunno

DAVE: i still havent come to terms with the fact that johns gonna be a dad

JADE: you dont think hell be a good one?

DAVE: i didnt say that but ok since you asked

DAVE: i mean think about it if you were gonna rank us in order of maturity based on all the years weve known each other

DAVE: about where would you put john

KARKAT: BELOW ME BUT ABOVE YOU.

DAVE: yeah exactly

DAVE: now hes all married and pregnant and hes got a mustache

KARKAT: I’M STILL NOT OVER THE FUCKING MUSTACHE.

JADE: why not he looks so good!!

DAVE: yeah he looks disturbingly good

DAVE: i almost cant talk to him anymore it looks so good

JADE: ohhhhh?

DAVE: jesus jade dont fuckin read into it

DAVE: a bro can appreciate how attractive his bro has become and maybe get a little breathless at the sight of his chiseled jawline and manly facial hair without being gay about it

DAVE: ive just been thinking lately everytime i see him that hes

DAVE: ok dont make fun of me for saying this but its like

DAVE: johns a Man

DAVE: not a lowercase m man but a fully grown up legit fuckin Dude with a leather briefcase and a suit that he only wears on special occasions

KARKAT: PRETTY FUCKED UP.

DAVE: i know right

JADE: hmmmm...

JADE: well...

JADE: ive actually been thinking lately about how since rose and kanaya had a kid and jane and jake had a kid and john and roxy are gonna have a kid.......

JADE: what would you think if maybe...

JADE: ....we had kids???

KARKAT: WHAT

KARKAT: WHO? YOU AND DAVE?

JADE: no stupid all three of us!

DAVE: uhhh

JADE: what??

DAVE: uhhhhhhh

JADE: look i know there are “issues” to sort out in terms of um....... feasibility

JADE: but i think there are a lot of options to consider!

JADE: maybe someone can help us out

JADE: like.... someone we know?

JADE: or i dont know! what about adoption!

JADE: that could be cute! adopting a little grub!! aww...

JADE: or a human! whatever! im not picky

DAVE: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

KARKAT: UHHHHHH IS FUCKING RIGHT.

KARKAT: JADE, DON’T YOU READ THE NEWSPAPERS?

KARKAT: THE NEW ADMINISTRATION IS CRACKING DOWN ON CERTAIN KINDS OF INTERSPECIES ADOPTION LAWS.

KARKAT: IF YOU’RE SO INTENT ON IT BEING “THE THREE OF US,” WE LITERALLY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ADOPT A HUMAN CHILD BECAUSE THE HUMAN ADMINISTRATION IS AFRAID THAT I’D...

KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW.

KARKAT: TEAR INTO IT, AND FEAST ON ITS ORGANS.

KARKAT: AND IN THAT KIND OF POLITICAL CLIMATE? WELL, I’M NOT SURE IT’S A WORLD I WOULD WANT TO RAISE A TROLL CHILD IN RIGHT NOW.

DAVE: jokes on them ive never seen you tear into anything more complicated than a microwave dinner

KARKAT: I KNOW, RIGHT?

DAVE: i mean on the other hand if we adopt a kid young enough it would totally fit in the microwave

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE. I’M NOT GONNA EAT OUR THEORETICAL BABY.

DAVE: yeah dude i know

DAVE: youre probably like closet dad of the fuckin year

DAVE: just waiting for his moment to shine

DAVE: i bet youd whine and complain about getting a kid til we actually brought junior home

DAVE: the moment you saw his chubby lil cheeks your face would light right up

JADE: oh... i can imagine the look on karkats face right now

JADE: heheh

DAVE: yeah you know exactly the one

DAVE: like how he looks when his hot pocket finishes cooking in the microwave

DAVE: which he understands is an instrument of food preparation

DAVE: and not some sort of grim infant warming device

KARKAT: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING IT BACK TO THE MICROWAVE?

DAVE: oh

DAVE: cause i had more jokes to make about the subject

KARKAT: OF COURSE. GOD FORBID JADE AND I ARE NOT FORCED TO LISTEN TO EVERY LETTER OF YOUR MORBID INTERNAL DIALOGUE.

DAVE: whatever you love it

DAVE: anyway

DAVE: on the baby in the microwave front

KARKAT: GOD

DAVE: id be more worried about me being the one whod do the deed so to speak

DAVE: i mean its not like ive got a great demonstrative background in child rearing or anything

DAVE: considering all the places i got left as a kid i wouldnt be surprised if id just put our baby in the toaster by accident or something

DAVE: like if you tally up the amount of hours i spent locked in the fridge compared to the amount of hours i spent in the american school system learning how to be normal and do polynomials

DAVE: just sayin it looks dire

JADE: .....

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: yeah so anyway im gonna stick to hot pockets i think

JADE: dave

JADE: you really think youd make that bad a father?

JADE: even with me and karkat helping you?

DAVE: eh dont take this personally but im an evidence based hypothesis kinda guy and so far three way relationships in our friend group attempting parenthood...

DAVE: the record aint so lookin so good

DAVE: just saying

DAVE: a clown a fascist and a male sex icon walk into a bar sounds like the start of a bad but funny joke

DAVE: but when its the start of a family thats when it gets a bit less funny to me

DAVE: poor little dude gonna be fucked up

JADE: oh come on dave

JADE: tavros is a cute kid!

KARKAT: SURE, HE IS *NOW*.

DAVE: the moment cognitive function starts firing off in that kids head hes gonna be scarred for life

JADE: we dont KNOW that

DAVE: jade i know jakes like your bestie

DAVE: and also your grandfather

DAVE: and also kinda your grandson

DAVE: oh also your fucking dad i guess

DAVE: but his relationship is bad

JADE: hey... thats...

JADE: not NECESSARILY true...

KARKAT: YOU’RE RIGHT, IT’S NOT FUCKING TRUE.

KARKAT: DAVE’S JUST BEING GENTLE HERE TO SPARE YOUR FEELINGS.

KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT MERELY “BAD”

KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS A FLAMING WRECK OF AN INTERSTELLAR WARSHIP HURTLING TOWARDS THE PLANET AT TERMINAL VELOCITY WITH THE ENTIRE CREW BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED UPON REENTRY, SHOVED STRAIGHT DOWN THE CHAGRIN TUNNEL AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SHAT OUT THE OTHER SIDE, THUS FLOODING THE ENTIRE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD WHEN IT CLOGS UP THE LOAD GAPER.

JADE: ...its not like i dont know that

JADE: john never shuts up about it

JADE: i mean, he and jane used to be close back when we all first met but last time i talked to john he....

JADE: well, he accused her of “raping” jake

DAVE: oh shit

KARKAT: YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY.

JADE: its not like i dont worry about jake but come on!

JADE: were all adults

JADE: what am i supposed to do? show up at his window dressed like the blue fairy and whisk him away from his terrible life??

JADE: maybe that would work for a few days, but one thing i learned from dating around a lot in my youth is that no ones going to leave a bad relationship until its THEIR idea to leave

JADE: its...

JADE: ME???

DAVE: holy shit

KARKAT: WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING FUCK?

DAVE: uh

DAVE: good question

DAVE: idk but we should probably get her some help

KARKAT: HELP? FOR WHAT??

KARKAT: IT LOOKS LIKE HER INTERNAL ORGANS ARE OBLITERATED. SHE’S COVERED IN MORE BLOOD THAN I THOUGHT HUMANS EVEN HAD INSIDE THEM.

DAVE: well we cant just leave her in this fuckin hole man

DAVE: come on gimme a hand

KARKAT: JADE?

KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON HERE??

KARKAT: WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT THIS

DAVE: hey jade you hear us

DAVE: jade???

JADE: yes dave i heard you

JADE: i need to talk to jane

[gltzgghln]

chronic illness jibberjabber

i wish eating low fodmap didnt require effort. executive dysfunction and wanting a bunch of free time to make art or play games really makes me want to just sit down and get easy food for flavor and filling me up even tho i'll get a flare up right after. ik its not an excuse and i feel like ive been using it over n over again. its not that i dont want to recover or that i want pity for being sick, i just want to enjoy my favorite foods while i work on my hobbies that i want to put into a future career

i also returned to college a week ago so my options for "foods that won't make you shit and still taste good" are. a bit thin. unless i put in the damn effort

and i honestly might have some internalized ableism about what i need to eat n feel well. like that i'll look like some quirky almond mom just because i dont want a flare up every day. i think of myself like how some (not all!!!!! not all) lactose intolerant people and people w ibs will eat whatever hurts them and i'll feel like a tough guy but then when im hurt by what i eat i'll hate myself for "purposefully" triggering a flare

tldr i need an elimination diet and make cooking a part of my routine to improve my gut health but i havent started yet cuz i just wanna sit down and use all my time up w my hobbies and chores that i know are simple but feel very Big bc audhd

[empty-benches]

smth abt recovery

(small ed tw ⚠️ //mostly talking abt the positives of my recovery w some references to my past experiences which may be triggering (no #s mentioned dw)- also it's kinda long my bad)

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it's been a while since i've talked abt my past struggles w an ed or recovery but i thought i might just bc of how far ive come- like every recovery there's gonna be ups and downs, but after almost 2yrs of being in recovery i've managed to come a long way, and im proud of myself bc i never thought i would recover at all tbh

i've always loved to cook and bake and it's sm more fun when i can make and experiment cooking new recipes that i can fully enjoy and not the extreme lowcal bs (it doesn't taste good ikyk 😔😔). it's a passion and i only want to learn more now that im not so limited

also i have sm more energy than i used to- dw im still an adhd burnout but i never realized how much of a difference eating had on ur energy and mood until i started recovering. plus i started to be able to feel my feelings again, the good and the bad. but i think its worth it to take the risk of crashing and burning than to not be able to experience how much good there really is in the world. there are some amazing things to feel and experience in life if u only let yourself open up and actually feel them

and i'm so so glad to be over the internalized fatphobia i had going on too. getting over internal biases takes time but is well worth it. i may of not thought or acted badly towards fat ppl, but part of the ed i'm recovering from was the fear of being seen as fat myself- which there is absolutely nothing wrong with being. you should be able to be happy and confident in whatever shape or size your body comes in. we have this one life and you can do whatever you want really, don't let anyone (including urself😤) make you miserable over something as unimportant as your size. there's sm more to life than that

but hey this is just my experience,, and for me im never looking back from recovery- its done me sm good. also i know at the end of the day,, eds are a coping mechanism- even if its a really terrible one. if you are struggling thou, im sorry for what youre going through, pls just try to get through today, appreciate all the little things that bring you joy, let your feelings rise through you like smoke and find yourself some ways to let them out

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thx for reading if you did lol, bit of a longer post here but i hope you have a good day- here's to 2yrs of recovery and to many yrs to come✌🏽

<o><o><o><o><o><o><o><o><o><o><o><o><o>

[goremet-chef]

maybe ill tell my mom im hungry? im so. my entire LIFE i have always always hated asking for things like so much so that i stopped asking for things on my BIRTHDAY because im like. terrified of being seen as selfish? idk its funny cuz parents will like. god forbid i get a treat when im a kid, then all the grown ups in my life look down and call me spoiled as if they didnt give me the treat, and they still think children arent capable of complex thought so they didnt anticipate that id internalize it for the rest of my life but here we are 😁😁

so i just. god i hate asking for things it makes me feel so shitty but i think shes gonna go somewhere anyways? and EVENTUALLY hes going to run out of things to cook so maybe if i ask she'll bring home some food (vent/rant)

that is one thing that always bothers me tho ive got? idk my mom is. shes my mom i guess, currently she treats me very nicely but when her bf was gone for a few years all that anger was directed at me so yknow. i guess shes over it? or she tries to make up for it, but if im not given an apology, i wont forgive or forget even. it was mutual, lots of arguing on the basis of politics at time, but sometimes it was just fucking nothing, to the point where she'd even admit that i didnt deserve that treatment its just. SIGHHHHH im over it at this point im just trying to get out atp yknow? but like

my sibling asks for LOTS of things. and they get all of them. money for computer parts? sure. money for literally any thing? sure. new game? sure

im not bitter about it, as long as my mom can afford it i dont care. but like....... whenever I ask for things, its usually a no

because of my BPD, i take rejection really hard, its the worst pain in the world so i kinda just stopped asking for anything at all to avoid the feeling. then they always are like "ohh what do you want for yr birthday we cant just get you nothing" but i actually DID ask for something on my birthday. i asked for a copy of pokemon black for the ds. it was the only thing ive directly asked for in years, and i didnt get it which is super embarrassing. like whats the point of bothering me about what i want if you dont listen to me when i do? they always get me what they THINK i want and its this really outdated version of me that doesnt even exist anymore, its makes me dissociate knowing thats what they see me as when im just not that anymore. even when i tell them its null

IDK its jsut a whole thing, idk how to feel about it anymore. its to the point where like. my friends take me out sometimes but i mean. they know im broke, they know i have no job, they know i have no income. but im terrified the entire time that theyre gonna like. ask me to pay or something, and i always do my best to just do nothing when we go out cuz i really like. even when they offer to get me things it makes me feel so fucking shitty man i feel like im just leeching off of them even when they offered. even when they tell me they like getting me things it just. it feels so bad. and GOD its embarrassing, when we're walking around stores and all im doing is just following them around because i have like FIVE DOLLARS in my pocket at most. things like that make me want to never leave my house again, it just sucks.

im jealous of them if im honest, because they have jobs and i dont. but i dont think? i genuinely am unsure id ever be able to get a job. im not well adjusted like them, im constantly dissociating, constantly tired, my sibling yesterday, i made a comment about my mom leaving without telling me at all and he was like "well she said she was leaving on the weekend didnt she?" like yes, she did, but i genuinely have no idea what day it is at any given point. all i know is the number, i dont know the day of the week ever.

like im so. fucked, im fucked! totally, even if i managed to get me shit together, relearn the days of the week, set a good sleep schedule, im fucked anyways because i dont know how to be a person at all. an interview sounds fucking terrifying, ESPECIALLY if i dont know the questions theyre going to ask. i do really REALLY poorly with actual human conversation, like its painful. and pretty much everyone around me thinks im kinda creepy or weird in some way, so theyd DEFINITELY be able to tell. i have no resume, i dont even know what that IS. like im so fucked!! i wasnt able to pass highschool, i cant partake in a conversation if i dont somehow have both sides planned perfectly.

little unsure about my odds, gotta be honest

but at the same time like? i keep hearing people say "if you cant work then get disability insurance" am i disabled? everyone around me tells me im just not trying hard enough. they laugh at me when i say i just cant. even if it covers mental illness, i? i dont know. im constantly in denial of things because my family specifically my mom like. a long time ago she told me i just couldnt be autistic, because im "too smart"

?????? it showed me immediately that she has absolutely no fucking idea what shes talking about ever, i bet she couldnt list more than 2 symptoms of autism like genuinely. im not even smart also????? maybe id be a genius, if i could retain information after 5 minutes 💀💀 its complete bullshit man, im just. im at a loss

and then they have the audacity to mock me for not knowing how to be a person in the world, when THEY shouldve taught me. it was THEIR job to help guide me through it, and they didnt. they laugh and roll their eyes and scoff when i tell them oh i dont know how to use a stove, i dont know what food stamps are i dont know how to dress for a job interview ETC

they expect ill know, that i wouldve jsut picked it up over time but surprise! i didnt. i need instruction i need CLEAR instruction and no one will give it to me. its so frustrating man, they suck ass and they just make me feel WORSE about myself. like good fucking god, give me a break

idk im just. exhausted. im tired of just cramming my problems down because the people around me are incapable of seeing me as anything other than a child, and children dont have problems, right? i have no right to complain if my backs constantly hurting, if im too tired to feed myself properly, if i cant leave my house for 2 seconds without feeling the deepest dread. like be so serious bro

i cant wait to fucking move out, but.. how? my friends said its okay if i cant always make enough money from art to pay rent, but no. i dont believe them at all. theyre just being nice to me and i dont even deserve that, i fucking refuse i cant just. im always dead weight, its so frustrating. it frustrates the people around me, too. i feel like such a fucking burden man, its so tiring. if its not things i just dont know how to do, its fear. oh i cant help clean the garage because its crawling with spiders, i cant take out the trash because the trash bins are crawling with spiders. i cant walk down the stairs because i saw a spider on the ground. they fucking hate me man

i know what they see me as, but i have no idea how to convince them that its not me. they think im rude because i dont know how to properly communicate, i say things and its rude to them and i feel bad because i didnt intend to come off that way. everyone thinks im selfish, they think im overdramatic. exaggerating. if they could live in my head for one day, they wouldnt think that anymore

its so exhausting because you dont even get any sort of sympathy from them! just like. awkward pity, and it makes me wish i was never born. never oh im sorry yr feeling that way, do you wanna talk about it? never

they see me as such an obvious burden but they? i dont know! i genuinely cant understand, they think i just have no complex emotions? they think i cant hear it, cant see it? they think i dont feel like a burden when they tell me i am. its so stupid

i cant stand being around anyone, and it just pushes me FURTHER into dissociation. ive got an interesting thing with that. see, typically when yr dissociate with a dissociative disorder like OSDD or DID, that hazy period in time opens up for another alter to front, you dissociate away and get tucked inside yr head. except i get maladaptive daydreams. so im fully dissociated in another world basically but im still physically present. its like i just always take up space thats never meant for me, in every conceivable way. i hate it.

i know, when i finish typing this, ill feel a lot better. which is just embarrassing, bpd fucking sucks. having no emotional permanence is EMBARRASSING when im over here crying on my knees about my problems and then the second i get it out i feel completely fine. it just makes me invalidate my very real emotions even further and its so.

im just. whatever.

just spit it out and stop looking that way

[orangepeelknives]

to previous nohomo mack anon… i fear the narry has been obscured. in the most surface level view possible mack c who used pride tape along with most of the team while will abstained? will who follows trump spawn on instagram and every blonde college influencer ever while mack follows college friends solely? hypothetically, mack surely would be afraid of the depths of his feelings and shy away internally but he cannot let will drift from him because he might die. will who surely loves and treasures mack but has experienced a slightly less straightforward brunette homoerotic hockey bro situationship before and has toed that line but returned to the blonde blue eyed straight golf playing white boy light at the end of the conservative tunnel. yes will is more in touch with his emotions but he is also not ruled by his emotions as much therefore imo far more subject to falling in line with what he thinks he must do at the end of the day. Not saying this is reality at all but i’m just saying in your hypothetical situation i would see the roles flipped just personally.

yes!!!!

yes!!!

i fear you cooked here!!

will may be a lot better at emotional regulation, that much is clear, but that works both ways! hes more able to recognize heyyy maybe this isnt a Normal Bro Feeling right now, whats going on??? and he would be FAR more capable of taking a step back than mack would be IMHO. i dont see that happening in the near future, given the CONSTANT escalation that will in particular allows and perpetuates (re: the 40000 textposts ive made abt mack looking to will to approve all escalations out of his own insecurities), but i do think that will is less immediately emotionally reliant on mack.

one thing that worlds has shown to ME tho, is that will is verrrrry much reliant on mack in less obvious ways!! and the extent to which this is true!! his hockey is the obvious example here - he needs a guy like mack to take the shot, to get in the scrum! will is a good playmaker and a smart player, but will is a passer!! he sets up good plays but its like he prefers someone else to follow through. this works with mack! he and mack do have this insane chem on the ice because mack's style of play greatly makes up for will's weak spots, they compliment each other! mack is good enough and an aggressive enough player to stand on his own completely, even without friends and buddies around or on his line. his emotional mismanagement has less of an impact on the quality of his game and more of an impact on his relationships on the bench (tho these also influence ur game but see what im saying??). will, however, is really struggling right now, esp without having close relationships on the bench! thats something that he kinda needs and relies on to play a good game, and thats why hes flopping rn.

so in the words of tyler toffoli i just think they NEED each other, both of them, in ways that are both different and the same. honestly after this worlds thing i think they may even get closer, tho we likely wont really see that.

[mxdotpng]

euden would be REALLY good at rythm games