#ive probably forgotten some but i’ll add them later

[lostfieldd]

Hello Trollhunters fandom [said into a dark void].

Take my Troll Jimbo headcanons because I miss my boy (feel free to rt/comment and add your thoughts/own headcanons!)

Sorry if my grammar and spelling sucks I’m writing this late at night running on four hours of sleep 🧍

Cat-like behaviour

I’m completely convinced that trolls have some feline-like nature, especially since some species have controllable tails.

This means Jim can purr (LOVES head scratches idc fiGHt me), and his pupils dilate when he’s interested in something.

He has a tail and it will act like a cats, sometimes it wags when he’s really excited. He has ears that express emotions as well, like AAARRRGGHH’s do, but they’re a lot more expressive.

Bonus: Toby bought a laser pointer just to fuck with him.

Physical changes

As covered in the saga, he had enhanced speed, agility, and strength. I’m gonna go a little further than that. I imagine his senses would’ve been amplified by a LOT when he first transformed, and would sometimes become overwhelming. Claire or Blinky would have to talk him through these sort of things until he got a hold of himself again. Merlin wouldn’t have been much of a help since he’s an ass.

I bet he would’ve been really overwhelmed, being able to hear and smell things that the typical human ear cannot, and hearing things from farther distances. This came in handy on his trek to New Jersey with Claire, Blinky and the others, in case they got separated somehow (for instance, finding shade and places to hide during the day). This means he can track them through both sound and smell, which is something that took him a while to get a hang of.

Chompers. Big teefs. He can basically bite through anything except for really tough metal and diamond. I’m completely convinced that Claire would just buy entire bagfuls of silverware for him to chew on, its his favourite snack.

Night-vision!! This is a headcanon I have for trolls as a whole, but I imagine they’d have amazing night-vision, stronger than your usual animal that has strong night-vision idk I should do some research.

Behaviour as a whole

He can be really aggressive if needed, and of course it will be amplified if he wears a grit-shaka or inhales gravesand.

A lot more playful!! Since he’s younger, he has more of a childish nature, being 16-17 years old. I imagine any younglings who were traveling with them to New Jersey absolutely loved playing with him. Even before he was transformed, I bet he would often make time to watch them play or play with them (with the armor on.

For like, general shows of affection, I imagine trolls do little head bonks like goats. I imagine Jim doing this with Claire a lot, but a lot more gentle and just with their foreheads, whereas with other trolls it will be more with the top of their head, and their horns will often bonk together. He definitely does it a lot with Blinky (because found family trope) and they just grow even closer through the journey to New Jersey. (inspo for the bonks of affection taken from a post from @nattikay, i am too lazy to scroll through her whole blog to find it I am so Tired™️ (if you see this i love your art hello 🧍))

Anyways thanks for listening to my rambles goodbye 🏃

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Twelve

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: this took so long bc ive been reading chain of iron and in general agonizing over things i cant control instead of being productive 🥴 that being said, absolutely none of the events in this chapter were planned in my outline, but here we are with something new!

***

December brings more snow and bone chilling weather, to the point where Cassian has to drag Nesta out of bed, either physically or by phone call, to get her to therapy appointments on time. 

She’s in the waiting room one freezing morning when, in her utter boredom, she musters up the nerve to turn to the girl sitting next to her. “What are you in here for?”

The girl blinks her large blue eyes, taking notice of Nesta for the first time. Nesta uses the opportunity to take in her freckle-painted face, a little wan but beautiful. Reddish brown hair hangs around her face and shoulders, creating a thick curtain from the rest of the world, and Nesta’s curiosity piques like she’s just found a shiny new toy.

It probably isn’t right to compare people to toys, but then the girl says, “This isn’t prison, you know.” Her voice is deep, almost sultry— completely at odds from her huddled-in posture and sickened expression. “I didn’t commit a crime to have to be here.”

Is she insulted by Nesta’s question, or is she poking a joke? Nesta decides to play it safe by murmuring, “Sorry, never mind.”

She starts to turn away when the girl says, “We’re trying a new type of trauma therapy today. I had to get here half an hour early because I couldn’t swallow my nerves.”

Nesta might lack many social skills, but she isn’t stupid enough to ask what kind of trauma the girl is being treated for. Instead, she nods casually as if she understands the struggle. “I’ve been coming here for weeks now and I’ve barely discussed shit. That’s mostly on me, but you know…” She actually doesn’t know where she’s going with her train of thought. “It sounds brave to do whatever you're doing,” she states finally. “I don’t think I’ll be able to open up that much about myself, ever.” 

The girl gives Nesta a weird look that she immediately recognizes. Nesta uses it every time she doesn’t know how to respond to someone who takes her by surprise.

The door to Lana’s office clicks open, and the woman herself pokes her head out with a plain smile. “Ready, Nesta?”

Nesta bites down on her frown. She has a feeling today won’t be as easy as her past sessions.

She’s about to leave without another glance at the girl beside her when that low voice speaks up. “I’m Gwyn.”

Nesta looks back at her as she gets up from her chair, and says the first reply that comes to mind: “Good to know.”

***

Nesta is contemplative hours after she gets back from her therapy session, bundled up in her bed with a coloring book. The repetitive motion of filling in the mandala drawing lets her mind wander, picking up and dropping different thoughts like she’s inspecting stones. 

She keeps her wrist light as she colors in with red. She finally said Tomas’s name in therapy today, though the action left a slimy feeling in Nesta’s stomach that lingers even now. She also spoke about her sisters, which somehow ended up leading to a discussion of her uterus. 

“How have you been dealing with the endometriosis news?”

Nesta shrugged. “I’m getting treated, and my last period was more bearable than usual—”

“I mean mentally, how are you doing? With how your condition could affect your future?”

Nesta narrowed her eyes. “Affect me how?”

“Have you never considered the impact it could have on your ability to bear children?”

“Not everything in life is about bearing children, you know.”

“We’re humans. It’s definitely something to consider.”

“Not for me. I’ve never wanted kids.” A mistruth at best. “I don’t care what endo does or doesn’t do to me on those grounds.”

In a way, Nesta told herself, the health risks were actually for the best. If she ever did, by some stupid loss of sanity, try to have children, then her body would act as a safety net from her decisions.

Lana only said, “You’ll never know how much you care or don’t care until you talk out your feelings.”

“Then I guess we’ll never know.”

Nesta lets the memory of that conversation drop like a stone on a shore. That’s not something she has to face for a good long while. No, right now she has to face her past. 

Her sisters, and her ex, and even her father— 

I wonder if I came off too strong with Gwyn today. 

Her hand stops drawing, and she switches out her red marker for an orange one. This thought she doesn’t mind inspecting for a little longer: she and Gwyn ended up leaving their sessions at the same time, which meant they were forced into stilted conversation on the way down to the parking lot. 

Not forced, Nesta self-corrects. She willingly initiated a conversation, and it didn’t go terribly. She wonders if making friends in therapy waiting rooms is a real thing.

Her phone vibrates beside her, breaking her hours-long mental bubble. Blinking dazedly, she answers the phone call.

“How are you?” is the first thing Cassian says to her. He makes sure to ask her that at least twice a day, like a gauging of her temperature. It makes Nesta wonder what she’s ever done in her life to call for such… attention to her well-being. 

“I’m good,” she answers honestly. “My head’s a little loud right now, but I don’t mind it.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No, I’d rather hear you talk.” She slumps back against her pillows, coloring book forgotten. “What’s up?”

“Ah...” Cassian sounds hesitant for the first time since their relationship started. “It’s just that I haven’t gotten my Christmas decorations up yet, and I was going to ask if you wanted to help.”

Nesta takes a moment to absorb his words. “It’s December fifth,” she says.

“Yeah?”

“You just seem like somebody who does their decorations the day after Thanksgiving.”

“Well, this year is a little different, with you moving out and being busy with school…” He pauses. “I was waiting to do it with you.”

When she doesn’t reply, Cassian adds, “I don’t even know if you care about Christmas. I know you and your family sort of ignored holidays. It’s fine if you don’t want to—”

“I’ll be over right now,” Nesta blurts. 

Half an hour later, Cassian swings open his door with a smug grin on his face; a vast difference from the stammering hesitance he displayed over the phone earlier. Nesta’s own lips want to pull up into a smile just at the sight of him, but she holds back and narrows her eyes instead. “What’s got you so worked up?” she questions as she steps into the warmth of the cabin and out of the freezing cold.

“The way you ran over here as soon as I asked.” He looks her up and down, still amused. “You didn’t even bother to change, did you?”

It’s true: she’s in the same sweatpants and long sleeved tee she wore around home, and her socked feet are shoved into slippers. 

“Get that smirk off your face.” Nesta flicks his nose before tossing her coat off. “If this is a competition about who’s got a bigger puppy-crush for whom, you already won when you delayed putting up your Christmas decorations for me.”

“Fair enough,” he grins. The words send an unexpected pang through Nesta, because it’s partly true, isn’t it? He cares more openly for her than she does for him. 

She looks away in guilt, not knowing how to fix the imbalance. Her eyes land on the living room coffee table, where their half-finished jigsaw puzzle sits. It’s been stored under the couch for the past few weeks, forgotten by Nesta and Cassian alike as they moved on with their lives, but now it’s sitting out again.

“Have you been working on the puzzle without me?” She raises an inquisitive brow, about to feel— hurt.

“Never,” Cassian promises, saving her from that irrational hurt. “I just brought it out because I figured we should get to finishing it one day.”

She pads over to the table, picking up a puzzle piece and turning it over in her hand. “I don’t know if you remember, but we had a terrible time working on this,” she scoffs lightly.

“Oh, I remember,” he says, coming up behind her and stealing the piece from her grasp. “I think it’s safe to say those evenings were the worst fights we’ll ever have together.”

Nesta leans back against Cassian’s chest and hums. “It made us a stronger couple, don’t you think?” She turns her head up and back to meet Cassian’s eyes, finding that he’s already looking down at her.

Hypnotized, she leans into his warmth. She only manages to land the smallest kiss against his lips when his hand squeezes her ass cheek. “You’re here for a job, remember?” He taps her butt before pulling away, gesturing to the Christmas tree in the corner of the living area with his chin. It stands bare. “You do tinsel, I’ll do lights.”

Tinsel is harder to work with than Nesta remembers. She only manages to get half the tree done before plopping onto the Persian rug, exhausted and covered in silvery material. She doesn’t mind laying there while Cassian continues working; it’s her revenge for when he napped on her bed while she moved in.

“You know the stair railings still need to be wreathed, Archeron.”

Nesta declines to respond, tilting her head on the carpet for a better view of her boyfriend’s ass instead. “All this decorating,” she starts. “Is it just for you?”

Cassian turns to her, surprised. “Well…”

She pushes up onto her elbows, catching her mistake. “Are we doing Christmas together? Or are your friends coming over?” She hasn’t bothered to celebrate Christmas in years now, and she doesn’t care much what Cassian’s plans are either way.

“I was hoping for both?” He sounds hesitant. “Christmas Eve is all the way over in Velaris, but I was thinking we could go together, open some presents, and come back and spend Christmas here.”

Nesta purses her lips. She doesn’t actually hate that plan. Both Feyre and Elain have been pestering her with the annual texts asking her to visit for Christmas, and for once, she feels like responding to them. The invitation is more of a formality than an actual request at this point; she doubts her sisters want her there after years of rejections, but… what’s the harm?

“Is that a yes?” Cassian asks at her unreadable face.

“Yes,” she states unflinchingly. She refuses to overthink the possible consequences of this choice and chooses to focus on the broad grin overtaking Cassian’s face. “Really?” he says.

“But there has to be rules.” Nesta sits up fully now. “No one can know we’re together, no matter how much you trust or love them.”

“We already agreed to that, baby.”

Yes, but Nesta knows the secret weighs on him heavier than he shows— even if he agrees with her that it's for the best. “It’ll be different when we’re together in the same room as everyone else,” she says. Cassian wears his beating heart on his sleeve, and she doesn’t think he’s ever had to hide it before.

“You’ll also be different,” she adds. “It’s a huge change of pace.”

Cassian drops the remaining strand of lights and smiles confusedly down at her. “What do you mean, I’ll be different?” He sits across from her, before the blazing fire. 

“You know how you get around your friends.” Nesta shrugs without a thought. “Like your personality readjusts to mirror the people around you. I used to find it a mix of sad and adorable, like a neglected puppy desperate for love, but now I— okay, I still feel the same way.” She waves a hand in a dismissive gesture.

By the look on Cassian’s face, he does not find her words so easily dismissed. 

Coldness curdles in the pit of Nesta’s stomach, the realization that she’s said something wrong. She can’t fix it until she knows where she fucked up, though.

“Is that what you think of me?” Cassian finally says lowly. His usually expressive mouth is drawn tight and narrow. 

“Um… What would you rather I think of you?”

His eyes widen in disbelief. “Seriously, Nesta?”

Nesta’s back stiffens, refusing to cower. “I only described what I’ve observed in the past.”

“And what you observed was a desperate puppy?” His voice is cold in a way she’s never heard before.

Okay, she’s starting to see how that might be offensive. She forges onward, “Tell me what you think about yourself in the presence of your family, then.” It’s a private victory that she says family instead of clown circus. But she’s not trying to turn this into a fight.

Cassian is silent, but his stare continues to rage at her.

“Tell me,” Nesta repeats.

His hands curl into fists on the rug. “I think I’m empathetic, easy to talk to, and easier to be around. Is it a problem if I’m likable?” Unlike you are the unsaid words.

Nesta inspects the space between them like it’s a chessboard. “And what part of yourself are you giving up to be so likable, Cassian?” she says quietly.

“Nothing.”

Nesta disagrees, if only because she’s been watching him out of the corner of her eye for years. “I think you base your personality off of those you love, and you lose a little bit of your true self every time you put others’ needs before your own.” 

She shuts her mouth, not having expected such honesty to come out of it. Cassian is taken aback, too, she can tell.

“And I guess it’s natural that you’d see all of that as a bad thing, considering your history of being closed off and self-serving to a fault,” he fires back with the flatness Nesta utilizes so often.

One for one. Fair enough. “We’re both right then,” Nesta says. “You work for your best friend because you have no ambition beyond serving your family, and I have no such family because I can’t bring myself to care about those things. Are we even now?”

Cassian furrows his brows, those defensive walls melting away as he realizes she’s completely serious. “What? No, Nes—” He shakes his head. “Okay, so maybe you’re right about me. Maybe I agree with you a little bit, but… If we see flaws in each other, then we should be working to overcome them instead of weaponizing them.”

Now Nesta’s the one shaking her head, quickly lifting a hand to stop him. “Relax there, sweetheart. I have no expectations from you or myself to go on some self-improvement journey now that we’re together. Talking about my feelings with a professional every week is hard enough.” Yes, agreeing to go to Feyre’s Christmas party is improvement. Slow, barely there improvement, but enough to wear her out for the rest of the month. For Nesta to fully let people into her life, to treat them as lovingly as she treats Cassian— that’s a long way away. She can’t envision it, doesn’t even know if she wants it.

Cassian must understand some of what she’s thinking, because he nods and backs off. He gets back up and returns to stringing lights, tossing a handful of tinsel at Nesta as if to say Get back to work. 

She stands and obeys, thinking their not-argument is officially over when Cassian says, “You’re wrong about one thing.”

She looks up from where she threads tinsel through fir leaves. He doesn’t take his eyes off his work as he says, “You do have a family. And deep, deep down, you care about them as much as I care about mine.”

***

Nesta catches Emerie’s eye as the dark-haired beauty walks into the pub. Raising a hand and waving, she gestures Emerie over to the booth she’s sitting in. 

“Look what I found,” Nesta says with a hint of pride, pointing to the redhead sitting beside her. “A third girl for girl’s night!”

“I was kidnapped,” Gwyn speaks up. “Jumped on the way to my car.” She’s out of her usual hoodie and in a tight-fitting blouse, looking stunning even while seeming out of place in the dim bar.

“She came here consensually,” Nesta retorts. “Emerie, this is Gwyn. We met at therapy.”

Gwyn offers Emerie an awkward smile.

Emerie slides into the booth across from them with raised brows. She looks between Nesta and the new girl and back again. “You invited her here? All by yourself?” she asks.

Nesta nods firmly.

Emerie breaks into a wide grin and reaches over the table to grab Nesta’s hand. “I’m so proud of you!” If Emerie were anyone else, she’d be squealing in excitement, but Emerie does not squeal.

Nesta waves off her friend’s praise, though a part of her wants to beam at it, too.

Gwyn glances between the two of them with slight amusement. “I mean, it’s not that impressive,” she says. “She came on a bit too strong, probably a five out of ten on the asking-someone-out scale.”

“‘A bit too strong’ is all you’re gonna get with Nesta,” Emerie says, lifting her hand to order drinks. “She’s all-or-nothing, and most people would pray she doesn’t give them her nothing.”

Nesta doesn’t know if that’s a compliment, but she supposes there are worse things that could be said about her.

“So, Gwyn, what do you do?” Emerie leans forward. “All our friends are law students and it’s starting to get boring.”

Gwyn goes off about her librarian job as Nesta orders their drinks, and Emerie rests her chin in her hand and listens eagerly. Christmas music plays softly in the background and snow flurries gently outside. Nesta thinks she can’t be doing that bad in life, if she’s managed to carve out this little slice of happiness for herself.

***

a/n: i promise shit actually happens next chapter! we're getting christmas with nessian and the ic in the same room for the first time

taglist: @ladywitchling @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @swankii-art-teacher @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson

[oikawaplssteponme]

𝑨𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒀𝒐𝒖: part 4

✨part 1

✨part 2

✨part 3

“It’s always been you. Has it always been me?”

pairing: Tobio Kageyama x fem!reader

rating/warnings: E for everyone :) [again I think two swear words but that’s it]

synopsis: You liked him. He liked you. Easy right? Well, maybe not as easy as you thought.

A/n: hii again!! 💓i hope you all have been enjoying the fic so far :) i think this is the half way point of the fic, since ive been posting two chapters at a time. just a reminder that my requests/asks are open to anyone who would like to request something (just check out my rulebook first) and the taglist for this fic is still open so just ask to be added and i gladly will add you! okay enough of me talking, enjoy chapters 7&8! xx Willow

•

Seven: donuts

You two laid in your bed for what it seemed like hours. You talked about everything and nothing all at the same time. You told Kageyama about the first time you saw him, and how instantly intimidated you were.

“Damn, I’m really that scary?” he asked. You laughed.

“It’s just that you were in game mode so you were too focused to even notice me.”

The first time you saw Kageyama was when you and Koi passed the gym to peek in at the volleyball team. You had heard that some first years were in the starting line up but you needed to see it to believe it. You poked your head into the door and there he was: yelling at Tsukishima. You remember asking Koi who he was. She told you that his name was Tobio Kageyama. Your heart was instantly hooked right then and there.

“Well I remember when I first saw you,” Kageyama teased.

“Okay go on.” You sat up beside him.

“It was the first day of school and I was going to turn in my club application to Daichi. I was walking to the gym when I heard you. You had your headphones in so I don’t think you noticed me, but you were singing and dancing, as if no one was watching. You were singing at the top of your lungs. I guess that's when I knew.”

You had completely forgotten about that. You got sucked in your own world that you didn’t even see him.

“Wait knew what?”

“That I liked you.” Your heart stopped. It was one thing to mess around with Kageyama but it was another to actually hear him say that he likes you.

“I’m surprised that you’d like me after that embarrassment,” you joked. You could feel the blood rushing to your face.

“I thought it was cute,” he said with a smile as he placed a kiss on your forehead. You smiled.

“Hey I have an idea. Get dressed.” You got up from your bed and put your sweater back on. Kageyama gave you a puzzled look.

“Where are we going?” he asked, also putting his shirt back on.

“It's a surprise,” you teased. Kageyama rolled his eyes and you two went downstairs.

You noticed that it was starting to snow. You put on your winter coat, a hat and your sneakers. Kageyama put on his jacket.

“Kags you’re gonna get cold,” you said. He looked down at his jacket.

“I’ll run by my house and grab my coat,” he replied.

“Okay, just meet me outside.” He nodded, put on his shoes, and headed to his house. You checked yourself in the bathroom mirror. Not bad. You grabbed your wallet, house keys, and went to wait outside for Kageyama.

~

It was already dark out. You waited by a street lamp and watched the snow fall. You looked around for Kageyama before feeling a warm presence behind you. There he was, hugging you from behind.

“So where are we going?” he whispered. You turned around and grabbed his hand.

“I told you it’s a surprise. Let’s go.”

You and Kageyama walked downtown, enjoying the snowy scene before you. The moon was a perfect crescent. The street lamps guided your path.

“Almost there,” you said. You pulled Kageyama’s arm out of excitement when you turned the corner. There it was. One of your favorite places in the world. It was a little food cart, painted green with blue flowers all over it. Thankfully they were still open.

“Donuts?” Kageyama questioned.

“Not just any donuts. These very well might be the greatest donuts in the world,” you explained. You got in line to place an order.

“Hi could I get an order of the small sugar donuts please?” You asked. The cashier nodded and you paid.

“Aren’t I supposed to pay for stuff?” asked Kageyama. You giggled.

“Of course not, it’s my treat.” You grabbed your donuts and went to sit down on a bench.

“Here, try one.” you handed Kageyama the bag of treats and he picked one out. You looked at him intently. He took a bite and his eyes lit up.

“Wait these are actually really good,” he said with his mouth full. You smiled from ear to ear.

“I knew you would like them,” you cheered. The two of you sat quietly on the bench ate the rest of the donuts. The snow continued to fall down around you. You could see each individual snowflake’s pattern against Kageyama’s black hair.

The breeze got colder. You started to shiver and Kageyama pulled you towards him.

“We should probably head back before you catch a cold,” he said. You nodded and started to walk about to your place.

~

Once you got to your house you realized how late it was.

“Kags it’s almost 10 o’clock.” You couldn’t believe how much time you had spent together and how much happened in one day.

“Oh shit really? I’m supposed to be heading home,” he said. You felt your heart sink. You knew he obviously would have to leave at some point but you chose to ignore it. You worried that this would just be a one time thing.

“Oh okay,” you frowned. Kageyama noticed your pout.

He pulled you into a hug, rubbing your back.

“I’ll see you later, okay?” He said, giving you a squeeze.

“Okay…” You didn’t want to let go. “Kags?”

“What is it?” He looked down at you.

“I didn’t get to tell you earlier but I like you too...if you couldn’t already tell.” You could feel your face getting hot. Kageyama just looked at you and smiled. He gave you a quick kiss but you pulled him back in. You wanted to make sure he knew. You finally pulled away, giving him a shy smile.

“I know.” he said, turning around and waking home.

•

eight: someone like me

The rest of the weekend seemed to move painfully slow. You only saw Kageyama that Saturday and hadn’t talked to him since. You spend the rest of the weekend digesting everything that happened that day. You couldn’t have helped but notice a shift in Kageyama. He seemed to be instantly more confident after the time you spent in your room. You liked this new Kageyama. There was still doubt in your mind regarding the two of you but you knew that it was just your nerves talking. You worried that the second you stepped into school he wouldn’t say a word to you. That what happened was just for that one time. You didn’t take Kageyama for a player though. In all honesty, you were probably the first girl he ever kissed. Regardless, you were nervous.

You got dressed and ready for school. You wore your classic uniform. The weather was getting colder so you once again put on your winter coat and hat. You grabbed your bag and headed out the door. Once you opened the door to leave, there Kageyama was, waiting for you.

“Hi there,” he said. Your face lit up.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“Walking you to school of course,” he said, grabbing your hand to hold.

“Is this going to be a reoccurring thing now?” You asked.

“If you want.” Your smile was enough of an answer for him.

~

The two of you walked together until reaching Karasuno. He still held your hand upon entering the school.

“Kageyama!” a voice called. You both turned to see Hinita, Tsukishima, and Tadashi. “Oh hi, Y/N.”

“Hi guys,” you replied.

“Mind if we borrow him for a second?” asked Tadashi. You looked up at Kageyama.

“Oh yeah, that's fine. I’ll see you guys later,” You said. You let go of Kageyama’s hand, giving him a shy smile, and turning to go to your locker.

“Wait Y/N,” Kageyama called back. You looked at him again.

“I’ll see you later, okay?” He smiled.

“Sounds good,” You nodded and Kageyama placed a kiss on your head before going back to his friends. You try to contain the butterflies in your stomach as you grabbed your books from your locker.

~

“Kageyama I never took you for the romantic type,” said Tadashi. The school day had finished and Kageyama was now at practice.

“I’m not,” groaned Kageyama.

“Well I think Y/N would say differently. You can’t seem to keep your hands off her,” teased Tsukki.

“Come on guys leave him alone,” said Suga.

“Thank you,” Kageyama got up and went to warm up.

“So is she your girlfriend now?” asked Daichi. Kageyama stopped in his tracks.

“Uh no…” he said. Technically you weren’t but now a million thoughts ran through Tobio’s head. He knew it was way too early to pop that question but he didn’t like the idea of any other guys having their eyes on you.

“So you don’t mind if I talk to her?” joked Tsukki. Kageyama didn’t find it funny.

“You wouldn’t,” Kageyama said back to him. Tsukki laughed.

“Come on King of the court, a little hello wouldn’t hurt.”

“Alright guys that’s enough-“ began Daichi.

“I swear if you-“

“I said that’s enough! Now everyone go warm up,” yelled Daichi. Kageyama gave Tsukki a glare before turning away to face the court.

~

“You’re lying,” said Koi. Your eyes widened. You were at practice and you were telling Koi about what happened between you and Kageyama.

“You think I’m lying?” you asked. Koi chuckled.

“You’re trying to tell me that the same Kageyama that can barely say more than a sentence at a time came over to your house and kissed you? If you are trying to make me jealous it won’t work,” replied Koi. You were so confused.

“I’m sorry, what? Why would I lie and why would I try to make you jealous?”

“Let’s face it Y/N, I don’t think you are really Tobio’s type anyway. I mean if all that stuff actually happened then good for you but I’m not too sure if he actually likes you.” You were shocked at Koi’s response.

“Didn’t you tell me just last week that you thought he liked me?”

“Well what was I supposed to say? I’m your friend, if I told you what I really thought you probably would have started over-thinking it. Anyway since you seemed to have had a fun night with Kageyama, I guess I was wrong. So no harm done,” Koi smiled.

You were still trying to process everything that she had said.

Why would she say that to you? Why would she think you were trying to make her jealous? How did she even know what Kageyama’s type was, or even anything about Kageyama?

You felt uneasy after listening to what Koi had to say. It was a mix of anger and anxiety that she might be right.

“Then what is his type?” you asked, unsure whether or not you actually wanted an answer. A tiny smirk appeared on Koi’s face.

“Oh I don’t know...probably someone like me.”

[taglist OPEN: @vangoghpoets @vangoghmusings @lilnuances @jennasquishy8 @ladybird-00 @moonlightsof]

[goosewhisker]

russetfur vs. the entirety of skyclan || ch. 3

read this on ao3 || read this on fanfiction.net

chapter one

chapter two

summary:  After enduring months of Turtlekit and Kitekit’s abuse, Rootkit finally snaps and accidentally awakens his powers. This has the unfortunate side effect of reviving the ghost of an angry Shadowclan warrior who: 1) is personally offended by Skyclan’s existence, and 2) has magnanimously taken it upon herself to relieve the world of that burden. Or something

okay so its been a minute since i posted. a lot of things happened, i got a kitten, a job, a new fandom, and i speedran a full semester of calculus in like the past four weeks. im sorry about how late this is and i cant promise when the next one will be up but its half written already so uh hope springs eternal. anyway thanks for coming to my ted talk

also shoutout to @turquoise-tulip for reminding me that ive had this chapter in my drafts for half a year now this ones for you im sorry its so stupid

Chapter Three: In Which Rootkit Practices the Art of Blackmail 

The morning after is quiet.

...is what Rootkit would like to say. Actually, he gets woken up by Tree at what his mom likes to call 'the butt-crack of dawn' to go talk to Leafstar, thereby ruining his chances of being a normal warrior forever.

When they get to the leader's den, Violetshine is already there. Rootkit discovers this by walking into her while his eyes are closed in the middle of a yawn.

"See, he's about to fall asleep on his paws," his mom points out, sounding pretty close to yawning herself. "It's too early for this. Morning, kid."

Rootkit mumbles something that's unintelligible even to himself and falls asleep on his mother's paws. A few minutes later, he's woken by gentle paws on his back.

"Hey, kid. Kiddo. You gotta get up."

Rootkit hums absently, still mostly asleep, before realizing abruptly where he is. Mouse dung! Suddenly, he's completely awake. He jerks his head up, almost colliding with Tree's jaw before he pulls out of the way. Rootkit, too busy panicking, doesn't notice. He just fell asleep in Leafstar's den! After she'd brought him over to talk specifically to him! After seeing this humiliating display of incompetence, she'll really never make him a warrior, and Kitekit and Turtlekit will-

"Rootkit." The single word cuts through the panic. Rootkit looks up to see Leafstar, looking very serious with only a hint of amusement seeping through. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Yes!" The answer bursts out of him before he really thinks it through. And, well, it's not entirely true, but it's not entirely untrue either. Either way, he's up for answering any questions, which is probably what she's asking.

Leafstar looks at him just long enough for him to start fidgeting before she begins. "I've already spoken to your parents, Rootkit, so I know most of the story. I just need to know your side. What happened yesterday with the ghost?"

Rootkit looks at his paws, then back to Leafstar's calming gaze. "It started when I was at the grave. I was just- just talking, and then Kitekit found me..."

He tells her the whole, stupid story. How he'd lost it at Kitekit and Turtlekit and turned around to find a ghost looming over him; how he'd asked Tree for help, only for her to disappear; how she'd attacked him and Tree, announced her intentions, and vanished. At last, the story runs dry and he falls silent to watch her expression change.

Leafstar hums thoughtfully. She turns to Tree. "Do you think she's likely to hurt someone?"

Tree shrugs, looking uncomfortable. "If she's serious, yes. Most ghosts can't touch the living. Those who can - like this one - usually died violently or thinking they were wronged. And angry ghosts tend to be... volatile."

"Ah." Leafstar considers this.

"If it comes to that, what'll you do?" Violetshine asks. "Will you be able to stop her?"

Rootkit watches Tree watch his mom, and something in his dad's eyes soften. He leans over to swipe a tongue over her ear. "You want to help her, don't you?" he says quietly. "Because she's Shadowclan?"

Violetshine flushes, but she doesn't back down. "Many of them weren't kind to me," she says, "But Shadowclan was still my home once. I can't just forget that."

Tree purrs and winds his tail with hers. "That's why I love you," he whispers.

Rootkit sticks his tongue out in disgust. Bleh. Grownups!

"To answer your question," Tree adds, "I don't know what I'll do. I suppose-" he pauses, eyes tight with worry. "I've never exorcised a ghost who didn't want to move on before. I don't know if I even can. This may be something of an experiment."

The grownups look at each other for a long moment. "I will do whatever it takes to keep my clan safe," Leafstar says. There's something like a warning in her voice that makes Rootkit shiver.

"What should I do?" he asks. All three adults look at him like they've forgotten he's there.

After a moment, Leafstar's face breaks into a smile. "Tell you what. You can help by keeping an eye out for this Russetfur and letting one of us know when she's nearby. But listen, Rootkit," and her voice goes stern. "You must stay away from her. Russetfur is dangerous, and she may hurt you to get what she wants. Do you understand me, Rootkit?"

Rootkit looks into Leafstar's amber eyes - warm and worried and burning with a fierce, protective fire - and knows what he has to do. "I understand, Leafstar," he says, and just like that, his mission clicks into place.

From somewhere else in the camp - probably the warriors' den - someone screams, followed by Russetfur's haunting cackles.

Rootkit ignores it.

As he double checks his supplies, Rootkit runs through a mental checklist. He's talked to the ghost - check. He's figured out what she wants - check. He's given her what she wants - well... no. Tree's three-step-plan hadn't exactly accounted for what happened if what the ghost wanted was unobtainable.

Well, it doesn't really matter now. This plan is sure to work.

"Are you sure this is gonna work," Needlekit says again.

"Yes, I am, Starclan above will you stop nagging me," Rootkit says.

His sister makes a disgruntled noise and hauls the next bramble into place with a particularly vicious tug. "I'm just concerned you have no idea what you're doing, is all."

"I know exactly what I'm doing."

Rootkit doesn't have any idea what he's doing.

"Hmm." Needlekit seems thoroughly unconvinced, but she gets on with the task anyway. The trailing brambles she's weaving into place will form a turtle-shell-shaped cage laced with warding herbs over the grave when they're done. The plan is more or less to summon Russetfur into a cage she can't phase through, leaving her unable to escape. In Rootkit's opinion, it's a pretty solid plan for someone who has no idea what he's doing. "Why're you so set on doing this, anyway? Didn't Leafstar tell you not to mess with Gingerpelt?"

"Russetfur," Rootkit corrects her automatically. "And, well, yes, but..." he hesitates. "It's just... you know. I was the one who set her free in the first place, and..."

"Yes?" Needlekit prompts him. She's given up on the brambles and moved to stuffing moss and bracken into the gaps.

Rootkit fidgets uncomfortably for a second before the truth bursts out of him. "And now Russetfur's running wild everywhere and it's all my fault, and what if Leafstar decides not to make me an apprentice? If I don't become an apprentice, I can't be a warrior! And if I can't be a warrior-" he cuts himself off. He can't repeat what Kitekit and Turtlekit had said; even saying the words aloud seems like tempting fate... and he can't burden Needlekit with that, anyway.

Needlekit looks at him, though, and her gaze goes soft. "And being a warrior is your dream," she says, and starts stuffing the gaps with renewed vigor. "Well, come on, then! If we can trap Scarletfuzz then Leafstar will have to make us both apprentices! I can't be an apprentice without you; then I'd have to share the den with just Kitekit and Turtlekit. Can you imagine?" She pulls a disgusted face that has Rootkit giggling despite himself.

"Alright, alright," he says. "While you're doing that..." He shoves aside the piles of bracken they'd collected and settles down on the dirt. In his stories, Tree had never really talked about summoning ghosts - his work had been more about getting them to leave - but Rootkit is pretty confident about his ability to summon her again if necessary. More importantly, one or two of his stories had been about things the average, non-ghost-seeing cat could do to ward off spirits.

Rootkit spreads out his supplies, most of which had been scavenged from the medicine cats through a combination of tag-teaming and white lies. The herbs really are going to help his mom, just not in the way Fidgetflake thinks.

Thistledown. Rosemary. Lavender. Thyme. All plants that either attract or repel spirits, according to Tree (from what Rootkit can remember, anyway). Plus a lot of spiderweb.

"Hey, are you sure that's right?" Needlekit asks, leaning over his shoulder. "I thought we were gonna get some sage. And why'd you pick up the thistle?"

Rootkit frowns. "Well, Fidgetflake was coming back too soon and I panicked, alright? If you've got a problem you can get some more yourself."

Needlekit snickers and prods the massive pile of spiderwebs. "No thanks. I think you could've gotten a little more spiderweb, Frecklewish might still have some left over... yeesh, alright, I'll leave off the sarcasm. You don't have to glare at me."

Rootkit rolls his eyes. The immaturity of some cats. "Maybe I went a little overboard, but we need it. Frecklewish can just send the 'paws out to find some more. Now help me apply it; we need to cover the entire cage so there's no chance of getting out."

It's the work of a few minutes to paste it over with cobwebs, and the work of a few more to weave in all the protecting herbs. With luck, they'll prevent her from just phasing through. By the time they're done, it's so dense that a living cat would find it impossible to escape; Rootkit can only hope that the same goes for a dead one.

"Alright, fire 'er up!" Needlekit commands.

Rootkit closes his eyes to focus, trying to recall the feeling of power rushing through his being. Once, Tree had told them of a time when he'd jumped onto a wire fence and been struck by something he'd called electricity- what lightning is made of, apparently. Rootkit imagines it feels something like that.

The power lying dormant in his veins leaps forth eagerly at his call. It swells like a crescendo of sound, rushing out through his paws into the ground.

Rootkit focuses on the grave with every fiber of his being and wills it to summon its spirit. "Russetfur!" he cries out.

For a moment, nothing happens.

Then, something shifts.

It's like a hole is briefly torn through space; instinctively, Rootkit reaches in, grabs something, and drags it through.

Beside him, Needlekit gasps. "What the heck was that?"

But her voice is wavy, distorted. Rootkit opens an eye and finds his world is tilted sideways. Needlekit makes a high pitched noise that scrapes its claws across the most inner parts of Rootkit's ears.

"M'fine," Rootkit mumbles. His words are slurred, he realizes distantly, because half his face is pressed into the dirt.

Needlekit jabs him. "This is no time for sleeping, Rootkit. Did it work?"

Rootkit blinks. For a moment, he has absolutely no idea what she's talking about; then, the memories start to flood back. He narrows his eyes, remembering the feeling of hooking a soul on his clawtips like a fish. "I think-"

He's interrupted by an infuriated caterwaul that drowns out whatever he was going to say.

"What is this?"

The cage shakes as its captive throws her entire weight against the wall, but it holds steady. The herbs have done their job; even a ghost can't pass through.

Needlekit laughs triumphantly. "It's bad kitty jail for bad kitties!"

Russetfur snarls back something absolutely obscene and proceeds to attack the inside of the cage with a ferocious determination. At least, Rootkit thinks she is; it's kind of hard to tell since they can't actually see her.

"Can she get out?" Rootkit wonders.

"No," Needlekit says at the same time Russetfur snaps, "You bet your kittypet hide I will."

Rootkit blinks.

"Literally," Russetfur adds. "Because I'll strip it off your back to line my nest."

"Oh." Rootkit drops his head back on the ground. The dirt here is very comfy, he realizes. Maybe he should just sleep here from now on. "Yeah. That was kind of unclear."

"It'll become very clear in a few minutes, runt. I'll even give you a demonstration."

Needlekit leans against the cage with a smirk that probably would have been infuriating, if Russetfur could actually see it. "Don't worry, Redpelt, you're clear as crystal."

Rootkit freezes. Even the scraping sounds coming from inside the cage cut off. "What was that," Russetfur says suspiciously. "Did you just-"

"Keep your spirits up," Needlekit says. "I'm sure you'll be back to your old haunting grounds in no time."

Rootkit tries to slam his head into the ground and discovers that it's really much harder to do when you're already lying on it.

Russetfur doesn't say anything.

"What's wrong, ghostie? You're as silent as the dead in there."

Then a translucent ear rises out of the ground right next to Rootkit's face and he screams loud enough to be heard halfway to Riverclan, probably, and scrambles out of the way. Needlekit screams, too, and then Russetfur is climbing out of the ground like a corpse emerging from its grave.

She shakes herself off and grins down at them with more teeth than a cat should rightfully have. "You forgot to ward the bottom," she says. Rootkit makes a very small sound that definitely qualifies as a whimper. "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost."

All the fur on Needlekit's body has bushed out so she looks twice her size - which, compared to the full-grown warrior before them, is almost nothing. She's shaking like a leaf, but undaunted, she spits at Russetfur's feet. "Drop dead!"

Rootkit could kill her.

In a blur of movement, Russetfur pins Needlekit to the cage wall with one paw. "I admire your spirit, kit," she hisses. "But if you want to sass me, you're digging your own grave."

That's it. Rootkit has had enough. That is the final stars-damned straw. "Shut up with the stupid ghost puns, I swear to Starclan," Rootkit screams.

The wind rustles gently in the treetops as the two she-cats stare at him.

"The next person to make a single stars-cursed ghost pun, I am going to snap your fleabitten neck. Is that clear?"

Needlekit makes a stifled noise muted by the heavy paw slowly crushing her windpipe.

"Ah." Russetfur looks to be considering it. "Would you say we're dead m-"

Rootkit makes a very aggressive series of throat-slitting gestures.

"...you've got your father's spirit in you, I see."

"I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it," Rootkit snarls.

That gets her attention. Russetfur's eyes widen, then narrow. "Oh?" Her voice is considerably less friendly.

This is where it gets tricky. Rootkit's at a disadvantage - he's just seriously ticked off a relatively powerful ghost with a grudge against his relatively powerless clan, she's got his sister by the throat, and his only bargaining chip is a bluff. But there's an opportunity somewhere here; he just has to navigate a very prickly, very dangerous minefield and pray he doesn't blow them all up.

Time to channel his inner Tree. "Look," Rootkit says, in his best diplomat voice. "Clearly, we both want something here, something that we can provide for each other. What do you say we make a deal?"

Russetfur narrows her eyes and tightens her grip on Needlekit. "I don't think you're in a position to bargain, here," she says.

"On the contrary." Rootkit raises a paw. "I am in every position to offer a deal... as you just experienced yourself."

Russetfur scoffs. "What could you possibly have to offer me?"

"Your life."

That gives her pause. "If you could exorcise me, you'd have done it already."

Rootkit gives his best imitation of her knife-sharp smile and proceeds to lie through his teeth. "What do you think we were doing just now?"

The ghost narrows her eyes and says nothing.

Rootkit seizes his opportunity and plows onward. "You don't want to be exorcised, and we don't want you in our camp. So here's the deal - you leave and we don't follow." The last few words are growled out, like Leafstar whenever someone threatens the clan.

It's very intimidating, in his opinion, but it doesn't seem to have an effect in Russetfur. If anything, it only seems to make her angrier. "I won't sacrifice my honor as a Shadowclan cat to run from a bunch of kittypets," Russetfur snarls, leaning closer. "Even if you kill me again, I'd sooner die fighting for my clan than kowtow to some coddled housepets."

Rootkit grits his teeth. She hasn't called his bluff, but they can't have her running loose and hurting people. Think, Rootkit! "Another deal, then," he says. "If you won't leave the camp, then you just can't hurt anybody."

"No deal," Russetfur snaps.

"That's the final offer," Rootkit says coldly. "Under no circumstances are you allowed to hurt or injure any Skyclan cats. I'm not going to compromise on that point. And you can't really afford to bargain, anyway," he adds with a shrug. His heart is pounding so loudly he's almost sure Russetfur can hear it. "If you don't, I'll just summon you into the cage again and exorcise you for good. Or who knows? Maybe we'll leave you in there for a while. And this time we'll cover the bottom." He finishes with the nastiest, most hateful smile he can muster - which isn't particularly difficult, right now.

Russetfur goes silent. He can practically hear the gears in her brain ticking as she weighs her options. There's clearly only one real option here; he just hopes she isn't too prideful to take it.

"Fine," Russetfur growls, voice so low he has to strain to hear it. "Fine. I agree to your terms." The hatred seeping from her voice is almost palpable.

Well, the feeling is absolutely mutual. Rootkit dips into a little bow and bares his fangs in a farce of a smile. "Pleasure doing business with you."

Russetfur disappears into the air, leaving Needlekit to slump to the ground, wheezing. Rootkit waits until he's certain the ghost is gone before sinking onto the ground himself, body shaking with all the fear he couldn't allow himself to show before. Holy crap.

"Are you," Needlekit begins, then cuts herself off with a raucous bout of coughs that makes him wince. "Are you... okay?" she whispers hoarsely.

Rootkit makes a high-pitched, keening noise before breaking into nervous laughter. "No, no, not even a little bit. Oh, Starclan, I can't believe I'm alive, I thought she was going to kill us both. Oh stars..." he trails off with a giggle and buries his face in the dirt.

They lie there for a couple minutes, the silence broken only by Needlekit's wheezing and Rootkit's trembling.

"I want Mom and Dad," Needlekit whispers.

Rootkit couldn't agree more.

[alinaastarkov]

i am not an anti or a jonrya, i'm just trying to get a grasp on whether or not there's foreshadowing for it. I don't mean offense but I hope you'll humor me. Couldn't Jon thinking of Arya when he meets Ygritte just be him comparing her with his biggest female influence, Bran compares Meera to Arya! Jon saying "What do you know of my heart?" could just be Jon guarding the part of him that loves all of his siblings. Do you think there's any unambiguous evidence? No hate tho, you do you! x

Hey! No offence at all I’m happy to elaborate on asks like this x

There is merit to what you’re saying about the Ygritte comparison, but I am gonna have to disagree. Jon comparing Ygritte to Arya makes sense because they have similar personalities and it helps his admiration of her grow that they are so similar. Jon and Arya are close, naturally someone similar to Arya would be a huge plus in Jon’s eyes.

Jon could see fear and fire in her eyes. Blood ran down her white throat from where the point of his dirk had pricked her. One thrust and it's done, he told himself. He was so close he could smell onion on her breath. She is no older than I am. Something about her made him think of Arya, though they looked nothing at all alike. "Will you yield?" he asked, giving the dirk a half turn. And if she doesn't? - Jon VI, ACOK

"If you kill a man, and never mean t', he's just as dead," Ygritte said stubbornly. Jon had never met anyone so stubborn, except maybe for his little sister Arya. Is she still my sister? he wondered. Was she ever? He had never truly been a Stark, only Lord Eddard's motherless bastard, with no more place at Winterfell than Theon Greyjoy. And even that he'd lost. When a man of the Night's Watch said his words, he put aside his old family and joined a new one, but Jon Snow had lost those brothers too. - Jon III, ASOS

(I’m gonna come back to that second quote cause it’s important).

But these moments aren’t really what we mean when we talk about Jon comparing them meaning romance. It certainly adds up - the qualities he likes in his lover being the same as Arya can’t be ignored, but it’s these moments that are more overt for the romantic foreshadowing:

Ygritte watched and said nothing. She was older than he'd thought at first, Jon realized; maybe as old as twenty, but short for her age, bandy-legged, with a round face, small hands, and a pug nose. Her shaggy mop of red hair stuck out in all directions. She looked plump as she crouched there, but most of that was layers of fur and wool and leather. Underneath all that she could be as skinny as Arya. - Jon VI, ACOK

Ygritte trotted beside Jon as he slowed his garron to a walk. She claimed to be three years older than him, though she stood half a foot shorter; however old she might be, the girl was a tough little thing. Stonesnake had called her a "spearwife" when they'd captured her in the Skirling Pass. She wasn't wed and her weapon of choice was a short curved bow of horn and weirwood, but "spearwife" fit her all the same. She reminded him a little of his sister Arya, though Arya was younger and probably skinnier. It was hard to tell how plump or thin Ygritte might be, with all the furs and skins she wore. - Jon II, ASOS

This is what jumps out as being super inappropriate and definitely non-brotherly. What kind of brother thinks about his lover’s naked body and the compares it to his sister? Not mine, that’s for certain, and thank god. It’s so odd to have this kind of thought if they are supposed to have a pure, sibling bond. Compare that to Bran, whose thoughts are similar to Jon’s first impressions:

“He wouldn't hurt you. He knows I like you." All of the other lords and knights had departed within a day or two of the harvest feast, but the Reeds had stayed to become Bran's constant companions. Jojen was so solemn that Old Nan called him "little grandfather," but Meera reminded Bran of his sister Arya. She wasn't scared to get dirty, and she could run and fight and throw as good as a boy. She was older than Arya, though; almost sixteen, a woman grown. They were both older than Bran, even though his ninth name day had finally come and gone, but they never treated him like a child. - Bran IV, ACOK

Bran never has a moment of thinking about nakedness and Arya, he simply admires the qualities they share which are mostly playful, childhood fun. Bran is also much younger than Jon, and Meera never entered into a relationship with Bran like Ygritte did with Jon. Yes, they both admire Arya-like qualities they find in other women, but on top of that Jon thinks some overtly physical/ almost sexual things and connects them to Arya. I think there’s a clear difference here between Bran’s brotherly thoughts, and Jon’s rather inappropriate thoughts.

Going back to the passage from before, Jon thinks this:

Jon had never met anyone so stubborn, except maybe for his little sister Arya. Is she still my sister? he wondered. Was she ever? - Jon III, ASOS

Bran never has a moment of doubt like this. Arya always is and will always be his sister. Understandable. Jon, however, doubts it constantly. Because of his vows, his bastardy, but there’s something else too. He doubts his other siblings as well, but he doubts it with Arya the most, perhaps rationalising his less-than-brotherly thoughts about her.

There’s no doubt Jon loves all his siblings. He thinks of Bran and Robb constantly and so many quotes are about them, his whole family.

When Jon had been very young, too young to understand what it meant to be a bastard, he used to dream that one day Winterfell might be his. Later, when he was older, he had been ashamed of those dreams. Winterfell would go to Robb and then his sons, or to Bran or Rickon should Robb die childless. And after them came Sansa and Arya. Even to dream otherwise seemed disloyal, as if he were betraying them in his heart, wishing for their deaths. I never wanted this, he thought as he stood before the blue-eyed king and the red woman. I loved Robb, loved all of them . . . I never wanted any harm to come to any of them, but it did. And now there's only me. All he had to do was say the word, and he would be Jon Stark, and nevermore a Snow. All he had to do was pledge this king his fealty, and Winterfell was his. All he had to do . . . . . . was forswear his vows again. - Jon XI, ASOS

Jon flexed the fingers of his sword hand. The Night's Watch takes no part. He closed his fist and opened it again. What you propose is nothing less than treason. He thought of Robb, with snowflakes melting in his hair. Kill the boy and let the man be born. He thought of Bran, clambering up a tower wall, agile as a monkey. Of Rickon's breathless laughter. Of Sansa, brushing out Lady's coat and singing to herself. You know nothing, Jon Snow. He thought of Arya, her hair as tangled as a bird's nest. I made him a warm cloak from the skins of the six whores who came with him to Winterfell … I want my bride back … I want my bride back … I want my bride back … - Jon XIII, ADWD

“What do you know of my heart” is not one of these times. There are no two ways about it, whether you’re a shipper or not. That quote is about Arya, and Arya alone. Jon’s heart is Arya.

"The heart is all that matters. Do not despair, Lord Snow. Despair is a weapon of the enemy, whose name may not be spoken. Your sister is not lost to you." "I have no sister." The words were knives. What do you know of my heart, priestess? What do you know of my sister? Melisandre seemed amused. "What is her name, this little sister that you do not have?" "Arya." His voice was hoarse. "My half-sister, truly …" "… for you are bastard born. I had not forgotten. I have seen your sister in my fires, fleeing from this marriage they have made for her. Coming here, to you. A girl in grey on a dying horse, I have seen it plain as day. It has not happened yet, but it will." - Jon VI, ADWD

This passage makes it pretty clear. Arya is the one in his thoughts, pretty much exclusively, leading up to this, because of the news of her marriage and Jon’s several attempts to rescue her. Melisandre is the first one to connect Jon’s heart to Arya his sister, and Jon’s thoughts are so explicit here. Arya is his heart, the person who means the most to him. Shipper or not, that’s a fact, though to me, having a brother with the same age gap and both of us would find it very, very weird for him to call me his “heart”, it is extremely romantic. Calling someone your actual “heart” so earnestly is extremely romantic and meaningful. It makes sense seeing as Jon goes on to die for Arya later on.

To me, these are pretty unambiguous. There’s a clear difference between Jon’s thoughts about Arya to the rest of his siblings/ other Starks’ feelings towards each other. I’ve explored more quotes that are hard to be viewed through a sibling lens here too. I’ll just leave you with a quote from GRRM’s original outline because that thing is basically heaven to us Jonrya shippers.

Arya will be more forgiving ... until she realizes, with terror, that she has fallen in love with Jon, who is not only her half-brother but a man of the Night's Watch, sworn to celibacy. Their passion will continue to torment Jon and Arya throughout the trilogy, until the secret of Jon's true parentage is finally revealed in the last book.

[subjectsix]

fic writing tag

tagged by @plainrea ;u; thank you!!! <3

Name: Kip, aka Kip Russel 🎉

Fandoms: a bunch but as far as published fic goes: Control, Alan Wake, Hitman, Pacific Rim, Fallout 4, Fallout New Vegas, Star Wars, and Terminator. I have a DBH fic in me but idk if I’ll manage to shake it outta my brain anytime soon :Oc 

Where do you post fanfic: On AO3 pretty exclusively! Some ask answers are here, but I’ll move them there eventually. Wee baby Kip was on fanfic.net in like, 2011, and before that wee baby Kip wrote fic in her notebooks at school and didn’t know it was called fic

By kudos, most popular one-shot: The Best Laid Plans, my first ever Hitman fic that later ended up sharing its title with a Hitman 3 cutscene it is a cliche title but still

By kudos, most popular multi-chapter: Grow Brighter (bc it’s almost exclusively my only multi-chapter-- even the other chaptered ones are sort of just.... connected oneshots? I suppose my new Control fic isn’t)

Personal favorite: I’m an obvious sucker for Grow Brighter for a variety of reasons, but I’m a sucker for A Grave Decision (a Hitman 3 follow up) and A Bell Cannot Be Unrung. I’m still proud of my post-pacrim-2 fic even tho I’ve quietly forgotten all abt pacrim 2 now eksjheksh

Work I was nervous about posting: Uhhhh probably < @#$#%@ leyline %#!$#@ > for being experimental/my first 2nd person fic, Backstage Pass for being goofy, and Information Exchange for being so niche (and also like. not my best work tbh)

Method for titling fics: bro i really wish i knew kjfshkdhsfkhfd usually they’re quotes from the source materials or fic or relevant titles or stolen from something else-- two of my control wips (all the outs in free and dig a trench director) feature names I stole from other games

Outline or wing my works: yes! ksdjfhksjd both, more or less. my outlines are more me blocking out my ideas broadly/informally so I don’t forget and then jumping around and watching stuff I did not plan for come about 

Complete works: 25!

In-progress works: ksjdhfkjsdh well. Little Rumors, Little Lights is in the works rn as well as a bunch of open tabs awaiting me which add up to uhhhh 19? just the control stuff, I have a hitman idea bouncing around

Posted WIPs that I have active plans to continue: just Little Rumors is a posted wip, and yea! we groovin

Posted WIPs that I have given up on: n/a i know i am not great at finishing things/remembering stuff so i mostly stick to oneshots or if i know FULL well i will have those chapters up and posted, then I will do a chaptered fic

Do you accept prompts: yes...? I guess really if you plop an idea in my ask box I’ll either dialogue it with you or write you a little blip, and it could easily evolve into something more! I don’t write ship fic just cause romance is very rarely something I’m interested in and way out of my wheelhouse skjfhsdh

Upcoming story I’m most excited to write: probably All the Outs In Free (Dylan and Neil fic), This Millstone Around My Neck (Arish fic), Employee of the [REDACTED] (Langston fic), Keep Me Grounded (Jesse fic), or Loco Parentis (Control cast fic)

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ive been tagging people a lot today but this is ur clearance that i am tagging u if this is one you wanna do :eyes emoji: i am simply.... too chicken to ping people

[loxare]

Hi would you do a follow up fic of an opportunity usedJason reaction

Yeah, sure.

Fic referenced.

Jason would never admit it. Not under pain of crowbar, pit or death. But he was just a little impressed. Just a little.

Not at the code used, which was so easy a four year old could break it. And probably had. Or the message. “Jason is a dingus.” Sure, Tim looked like a twelve year old, but did he have to act like one? He was fucking seventeen years old, he could use a fucking swear once in a while.

But the audacity. Jason was a sucker for any one who did something that they knew, just knew, would get them in trouble but did it anyways because they were a piece of shit. He’d been that kid. He’d spent most of his childhood berating himself for not keeping his trap shut, but them mouthing off again later just to see the look on his dad’s face.

Tim was probably expecting retaliation. Which would make sense. Jason did have a reputation to keep up after all. Well. Tim wasn’t the only one who could act like a twelve year old.

Jason folded up the newspaper detailing last night’s biggest event and left his safe house. There was an art store just down the street.

**

Whistling, Tim left the elevator, turning left towards his apartment. He had lunch with Ives, a dinner tonight with some investors, and then he needed to go with Dick to find out who had been shipping those guns. But first, he needed his phone.

Now, normally, Tim didn’t leave it in his apartment. But normally, he didn’t leap out of bed and into his suit when every alarm he had told him that there was a full Arkham escape. Which had turned out to be a false alarm, which he’d found out when he’d gotten to the cave, in full panic. Turned out, Alfred the Cat had walked onto the button, and because he’d forgotten his phone and forgotten to turn on his comms, they’d had no way of informing him.

Which was fine, minor heart attack aside. He’d spent the evening with Alfred, slept in his old room, avoided Damian, all was well.

Tim put his key in the door and opened it. He stepped in, closed the door, tossed his keys onto the table, hung up his coat and took one step off of the welcome mat-

Several things happened at once. Four water balloons came flying at him from four different directions, too fast to dodge. They hit, covering him in… something. He closed his eyes just before impact. Something above him burst and something soft landed on his nose. There was the sound of cloth rustling behind him. And something flashed.

There was a moment of silence. Tim heard a beep, which knocked him out of his stupor.

He was covered in paint, red, black, blue and purple, and yellow feathers. Tim let out a groan. Great. Once he got himself cleaned up, he was going to have to call Ives and let him know that he was going to be late. Just fantastic.

He wasn’t particularly worried. Likely once of his brothers thought he was being funny. Although it might have been Steph. Not many people would think to add the purple paint. Carefully walking around the carpet, he headed for the bathroom. After wiping off as much as he could using toilet paper, he stepped into the shower. For a few minutes, the water ran in technicolour, but then it cleared up.

Once he was dried and dressed, he went looking for his phone. It was not on his bedside table where he’d left it. No, it was on a tripod in the middle of his living room, camera pointed at the door. There was a picture of Tim on it, covered in paint and feathers, face scrunched up, arms bent and close to his chest. He looked supremely uncomfortable, which, well, he had been. The picture had a banner in the background. Tim squinted at it. Then at the door. Sure enough, a banner had unfurled. “Tim is a dingus,” Tim read out loud. “So Jason then.”

Well, as far as revenge went, that was tame. He pulled the phone out of the tripod and pulled up Ives. He picked up on the first ring. “Hey Ives, just wanted to let you know I’m running a bit late.”

“You don’t say.” Ives didn’t sound surprised. Usually that would hurt, a lot, because Tim had been trying to keep his appointments, he really had been. But the little bit of amusement in Ives’s voice brought him up short. “Only I just got a really interesting text a few minutes ago. You might want to check those.”

Tim’s mouth went dry. “Ives, what text?”

“See you in an hour, kay Tim? I’ll buy lunch this time. My treat.”

“Ives!” But the line had gone dead.

Desperate, Tim pulled up his texts, probably hitting the screen way too hard. And dropped to his knees.

Every single one.

Every single contact he had.

His teammates. The League. Vicki Vale. Pru and the other assassins. All of his civilian friends and acquaintances. Even the investors he was meeting with tonight.

All of them had received the picture.

Tim tipped over until he was laying face down on the floor and waited for the universe to end him. When that didn’t happen within ten minutes, he got up, dusted himself off, sidestepped the paint still drying on the floor, and went to lunch.

And although he would never, ever admit it, not under pain of bombing, or organ loss, he would much later admit that he was kind of impressed.

[sarenityjames]

Life Changing Part 1

@GrumpRen and @Sarenemelody

Ren: *Falling asleep and straight into a nightmare, bringing me back to being deployed into Iraq. The nightmare was so damn real that I was feeling the heat of the sun and the fact I could hear the sounds of an IED going off in the distance.

We were in the so called green zone from all the shots being fired and bombs that were going off. I couldn't help but laugh at the fucking mess we were in. It's not like any one at home would see this shit we put up with unless it's something to paint us in the light badly.

Yeah, as soldiers we knew what was being said about us. Our families would write to us, letting us know what was going on at home and that there were protests going on about us being here.

We had an air raid siren going off, which pulled me from my thoughts and had me running to the bunker that was not far from where I was. I already had pulled my NBC mask on and had my weapon over my head and strapped to my back. My ass would be handed to me by my CO if I didn't bring it with, hell anyone of us would have our asses handed to us for leaving it in our bunks.

I was almost to the bunker when a explosion went off not far from me and it had me flipping through the air. I landed with a hard and resounding oomph on my back and the wind being knocked out of me. I couldn't help but pull the gas mask off and tried to get a good breath.

I wasn't even paying attention to the pain I was having in my leg because my biggest concern was breathing and it felt like i was going to suffocate. My ears were ringing like fucking crazy and I tried to shake that off.

Once I was finally able to breathe somewhat normally, I tried to get up but a couple of my battle buddies came running over as well as some of the medics to check on those of us who didn't make it into the bunker in time. I could barely hear what they were saying but knew they were still not letting me get up. I took a look around at the others laying on the ground around me. I could see #Ramirez on the ground and I could tell he was bad. I pushed the medic away from me and tried to go to him because we went through basic together as well as AIT. He has become my brother and I couldn't lose him. The second I stood up, I went straight back down to the ground. The pain was really bad but I knew it was nothing compared to what #Ramirez was going through. My hearing started to get a little better and I could hear the medic telling me that he was getting the care he needed and that I would only get in the way. I laid back down and let them take care of my leg, which happened to be broken as well as it having shrapnel in it. They put me on a stretcher after they put an IV in my arm and put me in the ambulance to take me to the hospital on base. I also knew that they took #Ramirez right away before they brought me to the hospital. He happened to be in the Bay next to mine as I heard them trying to work on him. Once I heard the words that he was gone, I sat up in my bed and screamed out loud because my /brother/ was gone.

I woke myself screaming, sweaty and shaking as I remembered #Ramirez. He was my brother in arms, my battle buddy and my best friend. Scrubbing my hands over my face and standing up in the room and forgetting that @sarenemelody wasn't even here to help me deal with this, this time. We quietly decided stay away from each other after this last argument. This shit sucked and I hated my nightmares that brought me back to that damn sandbox when #Ramirez died.*

Sarenity:  *It happened again, I was busy working getting everything ready for the cake that needed to go out today. I was there busy and focused on it adding finishing touches, pipe bag in hand as I was adding a string of what would be pearl like once done. I closed my eyes to blink and the next thing I was aware of I was sitting in my office with a cloth pressed against the back of my neck. I was getting lectured even though the words they were saying wasn't clear just yet. I blacked out, there was no denying it now. Or hiding it from anyone.

The first time I was thankfully alone, at home. Ren was due to be home a short time after I woke and the bruise I got from hitting the table was evident that night. Hiding it, as well as the soreness was far more difficult than I expected. I stayed dressed that night and for the next several days I simply told Ren that I had hit a table (half truth) because I had been distracted. Not wanting to talk about it and I thought that it was just a fluke thing. Which ended up straining things with Ren and I, I didn't want to talk about what was sitting in the back of my mind when though he knew there was something. But I appreciated the fact he never once said if he already knew and was waiting for me to come to him. I didn't obviously, which only made things worse. Yeah I should have told him but I could not change the past either.

Something was wrong. After the first time I put it off as stress. I adjusted my hours, and how much work I was willing to take on personally. But this showed me it wasn't stress. Something was wrong, and fucking hell I did not want to go to the drs first of all. Add in the fact that meant admitting that there was something wrong, and while I may have been living a healthy life...my family and their genetics caught up to me. There were too many things that ran on just my moms side alone. Fear ran through me and whoever was still in the room with me I waved them away. I straightened up as the door closed and I felt the sigh as it ran through me. This was not what I needed, or wanted for that matter. Things were....well not everything was going right, but I had a grasp on things. I reached over for my phone, the screen lightening up but I sat it down before I could even unlock the screen. I had given my word to keep with the space he wanted, it hurt like a bitch but it was my own doing. Having ignored the attempts he had made to talk to me, to get me to open up. I knew he would never pry and take a look himself to get the answers.* He could help, he would want to help. *Talking to myself I tried to decide what I would do,* The last message was on still on sent, I doubt he would check. Hell I bet I am muted. *That made my choice, even if I did go get checked out I wouldn't breathe a word to anyone. This would be what I was going to do, that is until Ramone burst into the office to continue going off on me more. I didn't even realize he was there at work today, and that alone says plenty. Did I not notice him, or did someone happen to call and rat me out to my assistant? Ugh. Hell I hadn't told anyone about Ren and I fighting and subsequently us not staying together and I doubted either of us was staying in the house. [Come on either I take you to Ren or I take you to the hospital.] Fuck me nothing was going right here, hasn't been in some time and that was my problem. [Don't think about trying to take yourself anywhere either. Two times in a month Sarenity! You need to do something about this.] My eyes widened, having forgotten I had told him about the first time I blacked out because he had seen the bruise as it healed during an event. He thought Ren had been the cause which was laughable.

I straightened up a bit as he leaned close and whispered [You are pregnant aren't you??] My jaw dropped and I shook my head, hiding the way it made me dizzy.* Come on Ramone, we've been careful. There's no way at all. *Was there? I didn't ask that one to anyone other than myself.* Look I will just stay in here, work on paperwork while ya'll take care of everything else. Ok? *It was not what he was wanting to hear but I did not care. But I wasn't leaving. I had no one to go home to. Hell I didn't want to admit aloud that I was confused and scared.* Ramone I promise tomorrow I'll not come in and get checked out okay? *That thankfully seemed to calm him down, but not until a full minute of him glaring continued. Silently telling myself Ren probably wouldn't be happy at all that Ramone was looking after me, because if it wasn't for the fact I had to focus on work my own self hate would have kicked in long ago. That would be letting my past, my past that was before Ren came along, and win. But now Ramone also had me thinking about something I never thought about. Was that even going to be possible? What the hell was I going to do if it was true?*

Sarenity:  *I spent the day off in bed. Being lazy and resting as much as I could. I only received one phone call, it was the company I had been planning to go to take care of the wedding for Ren and I. Yes I could do it, but I didn't want to. I wanted to be able to enjoy the things a bride was supposed to. It was a knife to the heart having to tell them I didn't know when I'd be able to reschedule the appointment that was supposed to be tomorrow. That had me hiding under the hotel blanket for over an hour as I let tears that needed to fall fall. I didn't know all the answers and nor did I really want to know what was going on with me? My phone stayed on silent, because I knew no one from work would be calling me. They would be busy with the delivery and set up and there was nothing else for them to go. So I over indulged in ice cream and took a bath. Letting the tub fill now than needed and let everything up until my nose slide under. Depression was hitting me harder then ever, I didn't have my one person I could count on to pull me back from it. What the hell was I doing? Raising my hand out of the water I reached for my phone, turning the music down before calling @GrumpRen it only made it to the second ring before I hung up. Chickening out of hearing his voice. That brought a fresh wave of tears. I needed him more right now but I had to deal with this. A few hours later when the water got cold I drained it and got out. Not even thinking about food the rest of the day.

Returning to work I lied and told Ramone I was fine but would know more later. Which was a line drs used so many times when they do bloodwork. I wanted to believe I was ok and that nothing was going wrong. I did an at home pregnancy test and it was negative, I wasn't pregnant. Honestly I did feel let down because apparently it would explain a lot with how I was feeling. Ramone gave me a hug as I told him that wasn't the case, guess he had hoped for Ren and I to have a little one. Just like everyone else I think. He still made me stay in the office, focusing on phone calls, paperwork, being the boss like I barely do. I was still wanting to be hands on, so I sketched. Everything from baby showers, birthdays, graduation, holidays, bridal showers, bachelorette and bachelor parties, hell even weddings. Time flew by as I did such. They weren't for anyone in particular so they stayed in my office. In a file I kept for solely myself unless a client made me think about the design. The day came to a close with my lunch that was brought to me still sitting there in the desk. I pushed it into the trash before I went to leave. Last thing I needed was a lecture, again. How was it my fault that I wasn't feeling hungry? Otherwise you could say I felt ‘fine’ it at least looked it on the outside. I ducked out while the others were busy cleaning. Knowing they could handle everything. I wouldn't have hired them otherwise. Tonight I'd head back to the house, it had been empty since we both left it. I needed to feel connected to something, and this was the only thing I could think of. I was ruining everything else in my life, I wondered if moving out of here would have to be next. If we couldn't fix things….. My heart tightened at that so I pushed it away. I didn't even really know why I was here, not with it being quiet, empty, no one else here at all. I needed clothes, that was the main reason I was there. I couldn't bring myself to stay any longer than I needed to. Without him it didn't feel like home, I had to go into the bedroom and even that I was not looking forward to. But I moved to the stairs planning on getting this over with.*

Son of a bitch. *I grumbled and worked on opening my eyes, something that was proving to be difficult. I was on the floor and this time I was hurting more than what I did from the first time I blacked out. Was I bleeding? I felt something warm under me and I had no idea what it was. I had been going up the stairs, oh god I fucking fell! I needed to move but was too scared to do such. So as I laid there panicking thinking that I was just gonna end up staying there dying. That would be what he would see when he decided to come back. In a way that was a cruel twist of Fate. I could hear buzzing...holy hell my phone survived the fall! Taking the chance I moved my arm to reach for it, dig it out of my pocket.* Fuck. *My screen was shattered, I couldn't find the answer button. Whoever it was I couldn't tell them what happened, or where I was. I started crying again and that brought the pain in my ribs to the forefront of my mind. I shifted and yelled, damnit I had done a number and I ended up blacking out again, this time because of the pain.*

[Sarenity, Sarenity, you silly girl open up your eyes!]

Let me sleep

“Sarenity listen to them, open your eyes.” *I grumbled and moved my head away. Or attempted such. One voice I recognized the other I didn't.* Leave me alone Ramone. *I went to move and felt pain hitting me all at once again.* What the hell? [Sweetie stop trying to move, let them help you.] *I frowned or thought I did.* “We are taking you to the hospital now, is there anyone we need to call?” *I didn't know how to answer but Ramone beat me to responding.* [Already on it, I'm calling him now.] *I couldn't answer because as Ramone moved to make the phone call to Ren they raised me for the stretcher and had me crying out and I realized then there was at least one broken bone. I gave in easily enough as the darkness crept in on me. Not even hearing what was spoken by the medics, or Ramones frantic sounding self as he finally got ahold of @GrumpRen*

Sarenity: *I came to with the sounds of both male and females around me, the air was cold and I shivered hard. That had me crying out as I felt everything that was wrong with my body hitting me all at once.* “She’s not supposed to be awake yet, why isn’t this in the file?!” “Well we can take the chance to ask her about her history, she has no chart, no file!” *I opened my eyes to see the three people in the room with me, I wanted to just go home but I knew I couldn’t yet. I was confused though, why would I have this many drs around me? The last thing I saw was the guys eyes widen as my own drifted closed.* “Page the surgeon we need to get moving!” *Damn that can’t possibly be good. I heard words I was unfamiliar with, Ectopic being one, something about blood loss, and they couldn’t wait any longer. With that I felt myself falling back under.

*There was a beeping going off, and I grumbled at the alarm.* Shut it off already. *I turned my head and went to roll over to find the warmth I was so used to having beside me. However I was unable to roll over.* Damnit I thought we agreed, no more of this when asleep. *I hadn’t opened my eyes yet, but the beeping was still going, I tugged my leg and a sharp stab of pain throughout the whole leg greeted me.* FUCK! *My eyes shot open I was alone, as per usual, not at home this time, nor the hotel. I was at the hospital and first thing that I wanted to do was get up and out of here. Even Ramone had left me, not that I could fault him. He has his own life, his husband. I was just his boss. A new wave of desperation ran through me, shaking my head once realizing how low things had gotten for me. I hoped like hell that the hospital didn’t call my family, we were still not on speaking terms.

A knock sounded, the thought to tell them to go away came. Hell I even opened my mouth to say it but they opened the door anyways. When I turned to look at them was when I saw the predicament I was in. My right thigh was in a cast past my knee and my left hand was in a sling, the skin looking very purple. Oh hell, I didn’t try to move it. I was currently too scared to. My heart began racing and before the dr could get close I had an alarm going off behind me.* “Ma’am, Miss James you got to breathe for me, take as deep of a breath as you can then slowly let it out.” *The female came closer as she spoke, my gaze staying on her as I did what was asked of me. I didn’t feel better, if only it made me feel worse.* “We need you to not go into a panic attack it won’t be good for you.” To hell with you and your telling me to calm down! *She reached out, something I wasn’t too keen on, to touch my wrist as she continued to try and soothe me. “Don’t worry, you’re safe here. Whoever did this to you wont be able to find you.” *Oh hell was this woman that stupid?!?* Look no one did this, I blacked out and apparently fell down the stairs. Not the first time I blacked out either. I got used to it. *Now tell my why her blank face showed shock there.* Don’t worry no one other than my assistant may come here for me. *That was the truth, I did not know if Ramone had gotten ahold of Ren and how well that conversation went. Scratch that, if Ren wanted to be here, he would. This hospital and their ‘security’ measures would not keep him from me.

With the dr there I learned quite a few things. One I had managed to break my femur, nicking the artery there. I was lucky Ramone found me for that alone. Two was that I had shattered a few bones in my left wrist, hence the coloring as well as the plates and screws that were going to be added in the next few days. This was a moment I really wished @GrumpRen would walk through the door because I would be able to leave, he would help me on this, and I wouldn’t need a second surgery. Possibly a third one later as well. The third and most shocking out of all this would be the reason behind my blackouts. I had what would be a tubal pregnancy with signs already showing of it not surviving. I did not know what to say to that. I was already under the impression that I could not conceive because of the attempts to remove several large cysts on my ovaries when I was a teen. Now it seemed that it happened but it was only a matter of time before it would end. I did not know how to feel about it, after years of resigning myself to never having a child, I was given a chance and my body fucked it up.

I was left alone, the dr going to make the rest of their rounds and set up for me to meet with a counselor and quite possibly a therapist. I was able to hold off my emotions until the door closed again. My body hurt, my heart doubly so. Now all I wanted was to crawl into a hole so deep no one could sense me. I did not think I could have felt any worse when Ren left me, but this just showed me how wrong I was. I had to prepare myself mentally to the loss. All I did though was lay there, tears falling silently, knowing that here shortly they would probably be coming to knock me back out. It was the only way to keep me calm, and so they could prep me for the repairs needed for my hand. As I expected the monitor behind me began going off and two of them came into the room. Nothing about this was normal or right, this wasn’t supposed to be how I was to live. I let myself go under with the meds they brought me. Right now I did not want to feel anything and thankfully that was what I got. A small reprieve from everything going on, when I would wake, I would have a new level of hell to add into the countdown that was pushed on me.*

Ren: *I was packing my bag back up as I prepared to head back home....well not home, home but to a hotel close to home. Yeah, the argument we've head was still fresh in my mind and I was ignoring her texts she has been sending me. Of course I fucking missed her but the fact remains she was still not being open with me like we agreed to be with everything. Hell she even has the code to my phone to check my messages if she wanted and I don't have the same trust from her with her stuff. It irritated me but yet I was trusting her at the same time. I reached for the bottle of Tondarion Fire I got that she asked me to get while we were having no issues and yeah, I could've been an ass and not asked for it but I got the bottle and an extra one for me. Sighing as I packed it up and received a call from one of the guys. Answering it without hesitation, he was asking when I was going to be by to see him.* I'll be by next week sometime to see you and the others. *I could hear the beep telling me another call was coming in, I took a look and frowned as I seen it was @sarenemelody but I was busy with this call so I ignored it but it stopped a lot sooner than normal. So I figured she must've butt dialed me because she hadn't called before just text messages. Shrugging my shoulder as I continued my conversation and the male was satisfied with my answer and was just wondering when I'd be by to see them. That it wasn't anything important. I hung my phone up and put it in my pocket as I closed up my bag then picked it up and left the hotel keys in the room. It didn't take me long to get down to the lobby and let the front desk know I left the keys upstairs  in the room and I was checking out. I went to the Valet to get my car called up for me. I was going to enjoy this drive since it was just me and my music. Normally I'd travel quickly to get home but I wasn't in a hurry since I wasn't going home to Sare like I would normally besides this was a short drive anyway. Leaning against the wall out in front of the hotel as I wait for my car to show up. I had this female approach me and I moved away, trying to ignore her. She apparently didn't take the hint I wasn't interested in what she was "selling" to me. "I noticed you aren't wearing a ring on your finger and you look like you could use some fun." Snorting as I shook my head and moved yet again from her* You aren't something I want. * She wasn't listening to a word I said as she moved close enough so she could reach down and cup me through my jeans. I couldn't help but suck in a breath but I reached down and took her hands off me.* I told you, you aren't even close to anything I want. *I was glad to see my car pull up and I moved toward it as I seen the hotel security approaching the female and telling her she wasn't supposed to be on property. I just shook my head and gave the valet a tip before putting my bag into back seat. Then jumping into the driver seat and putting my music on. Putting the car into drive as I decided to take my time going home.  As it stood I was only a few hours from home but I wasn't wanting to be so close at the moment, so I decided to head to a casino that wasn't too far either but it would give me the opportunity to waste time since I was done with work for the week until I needed to travel to see the guys down south. I had my music blaring and I had this sick feeling in my stomach that something was wrong but I couldn't pin point it. I haven't been able to control the powers completely just yet and I had Thrāix working with me on them. The one I was having issues with was the seeing the future bit. I had so much flipping through my mind, it didn't make sense to me. He told me to ignore it unless I got a sick feeling along with but you don't always get the what it is until too late. Because it wasn't always set in stone, it could always change because of ones actions. I ignored the feeling as I drove for a couple hours closer to home but went to the casino and hotel instead. I drove to the hotel side and pulled up to the Valet and grabbed my bag out. I gave the Valet my keys as I went into the hotel and up to the front desk. It didn't take long to get my room since I wasn't picky and I just wanted to relax. The past couple of weeks I kept myself busy as hell working and making sure the guys were all good. Of course I had Thrāix and Dagger giving me shit but what do you expect from a couple of assholes. Laughing to myself as I went into my room and thought about the shit I did while I visited the guys and took care of what I need to. Pulling my shirt off over my head and kicking my shoes off as I moved towards the bed. I didn't get any sleep last night since I got to my room about 3 am, it took me a while to wind down and didn't fall asleep until about 730. So yeah I was tired as fuck and this is good. I just dropped onto the bed closest to me and fell asleep. I had my alarm set to go off about 8 am the next day. Once I heard it go off, I sat up and scrubbed my hands over my face, yawning. Running my hand over my head as I stood up and went to the bathroom. I jumped into the shower and came back out with a towel around my hips once I was finished. Sitting back down on the bed I pulled my bag close to me, pulled out a jeans and t-shirt and put them on. First thing I needed to do was go eat since I slept through dinner. I could hear my stomach growling, so I got up and dug into my other pants for my wallet. I just went to get some food from the grill and sat at a table as I inhaled my food. Yeah maybe I should take my time to eat but I was hungry as hell. I spent rest of the day gambling and I wasn't exactly losing but I wasn't winning either. I guess you could say I was keeping even but I was having fun and it's been a while since I've had such. I finally decide to get up and head back to my room. I took a look at the time and couldn't help but laugh cause it was now 4pm and who knew gambling would make time fly. I came out ahead with $100 and wasn't about to complain. I figured I'd just order room service for dinner. Once in my room I went to the desk with the room service menu and decided I was just going to get a large meat lovers pizza. I called it up and ordered. They said it was going to be a half hour before it got here. I kicked my shoes back off and took my shirt off again as I moved to turn the AC on because I was hot. Just over a half hour went by and I heard a knock on the door, I got up and had my money in hand as I got my pizza from the kid delivering it to me. I barely sat down as my phone went off. I picked it up and saw Ramone's name come across the caller ID. I ignored it and started to eat my pizza but my phone rang again. It was Ramone's name yet again, this fucker has no reason to be calling me. I side barred his call yet again and continued to eat my pizza and was happy to see the fact  the delivery kid remembered I liked Dr Pepper with my pizza. I went to grab a cup and poured myself some. I sat back down and barely picked up my pizza when my phone went off again. Growling I picked it up this time and answered as I saw it was Ramone's number yet again.* What the fuck do you want Ramone? I don't have time for your......* I trailed off as he had the nerve to cut me off as he started rambling about @sarenemelody falling down the stairs at the house. She's blacked out at work and he's tried to get her to go to the doctor's yesterday. He said he had the suspicion that she didn't go, so he followed her home and it was long after she went in the house. He knows I wouldn't be happy to hear this but since I've left she gave him a spare key to check on things and he used it to get in the house as he heard her screaming. He thought someone was in the house and attacking her. He also let me know, he knew it wasn't me since he's never seen me do anything to hurt her other than walking away like I did and that he knew I was away for work. I let him know I was only a couple of hours away and I'd be there soon. I asked him to stay with her at the hospital and call me again with more information. He then told me to expect the worse, he thought she may have broke her leg and something else cause she looked bad. I let him know I appreciated his call and I'd be in touch soon. Once I hung up the phone I turned around and punched the bed a few times with my anger at myself, at her and at all of it. I made quick work of putting my shirt and shoes back on. Packed my stuff back up and grabbed my pizza and Dr Pepper. I'd eat on the way home. I had to get back to her, no matter what happened between us, she didn't need to be alone. My Bluetooth was connected to the car and I called Ramone back because I forgot to make sure his dumb ass didn't call her family. She didn't and wouldn't want them to be called for her. Once he answered I didn't even give him a chance to say hi. "Hey asshole, you didn't call her family did you?" I waited for a bit before he replied with a no because she's told him about the fall out with them. "Alright, which hospital did they take her to?" He told me where they took her and that he was on his way there. I was on the road for what seemed like hours and it wasn't even that long of a drive. I had to go see @sarenemelody and heal what I can for her.*

Sarenity: *It was a nightmare I wanted to wake from. My parents were there, so was my brother. Back to remind me that once again just how little I meant to the world. How I’d never amount to anything, forever needing them. At first as I grew up I believed them, that I needed them. How it was what they tricked me into believing was how it was supposed to be, even to the point of being happy when my mother went with me to college. She seemed so supportive, working towards the same degrees I was going for. We were to be a team running the shop that I wanted so hard to open. But when she fell short and I continued to thrive it was obvious that things would not be ending well. It was when I graduated I decided to do a clean break. Even with their words having made the damage, I second guessed myself as I moved several states away. Even changed my name to one that they would not connect with me. It was how Sarenity James came to be. Now they were in the hospital room laughing at me and what was going on. Basically kicking me while I was down once again. How did they ever find me? I couldn’t get away from them this time and that made my depression gather.

I woke god knows how long later, back in the empty hospital room. I should have expected it to be this way, nothing, anything. The only sounds in the room was my breathing, and the monitors going on behind me. There was a stronger than normal dull ache going on in my chest and in this moment I wished that I had not woken up yet. Feeling that I was just going to be stuck alone. I had forgotten about my left hand, the surgery, and the fact that trying to clench my fist would result in a fresh wave of tears. I was desperate and feeling everything I had worked so hard to move past. I could hear the chatter out in the hall and as long as my heart didn't begin racing it looked like I would be left alone. Wasn't that what I wanted, wasn't it what I needed, or deserved for that matter? I without realizing it pushed Ren away, to the point he left. I hadn't seen Ramone since before I got to the hospital, and now I was stuck in this damn bed. The beeping started slow and I couldn't help it. Sobbing again this time as the depression I managed to fight for so long crashed down on me beating me down to where if I could move I was certain I'd start yanking lines out.* Fucking hell. *My door was being messed with and I wondered was I that close to the nurses station for them to watch over me? A pain in my side hit and that was on par with the issue I felt with the broken bones. I doubted there was anything they could give me anyways so I was suffering through it and cursing myself more with each passing moment. Even now when I felt like I didn't deserve them I wanted @GrumpRen. But he no showed, even after the call. Grabbing a pillow, not realizing it was holding my hand up some I threw it. The action making my whole body jerk. That had the alarms blaring for them to come running no doubt. Even the wild idea to start pulling the pins on my hand came to mind. Pain was something I was associating with right now. It was all I had.*

Ren: *The drive from the casino to the hospital that Ramone told me, where they took her seemed like it was an all day drive. I pulled into the ramp and it was just before 7pm, so it was just over a 2 hr drive from where I was at. I left everything in the car except my ID because I knew they were going to ask me for it as I approached the information desk.* I was told my fiancee was brought here this afternoon. Her name is Sarenity James. *I stood there waiting as the security guard looked up the information and he frowned as he looked up at me. "I'm sorry but there is no one here by that name, sir. Are you sure you got the right hospital?" I knew I had it right and I even dug my phone out of my pocket as I pulled up Ramone's text message to me with the address of the hospital and her room number. I handed him my phone to show him the info I was given. He then made a call and I could here what was being said. I tried to control my anger as I heard them accusing me of being the one who has hurt her. I stood there waiting to hear whatever it is they were gonna lie to me about. He hung up the phone and took a deep breath before he spoke to me. "All I can tell you is that the patient in that room has a list of people who can visit her and you aren't on that list. I'm sorry, you can't go up." Hearing these words I wanted to yell or even hurt the hell out of this guy for this but I wasn't even sure she was here. I just nodded and moved away as I swiped the screen on the text with Ramone to dial his number. I waited as the phone rang a few time and he answered. "Ren, what is it?"* They are telling me she isn't at this hospital and the room number you gave me has a list of people who can visit and I'm not on it. *He was quiet for a minute before I heard the sigh. "I swear to you, she's there and when they asked what happened I told them she must've fell down the stairs. I'll call and see if I can find out if she's been moved. Give me ten minutes. " With that he hung up and I went o sit down in the lobby where there wasn't anyone else cause they were allowed up to visit who they wanted to. I started flipping through my text messages I received from Sare and took a few deep breaths as I read them. They made upset and pissed off at what made us split up. It seemed stupid as hell now but I always believed communication was key to any relationship. She didn't do such and it caused the separation between us. She kept apologizing and then explaining why she didn't talk to me. Closing the text messages and no longer then that I got the call I was waiting for. Ramone called back. "Ren, I put you on the list but you may get questioned when you go up there. I'm just giving you a heads up. They think you did this. They didn't say it to me but the way they were talking, I can tell they were think domestic abuse." Sighing and just getting annoyed and pissed at the same time I took a deep breath.* Thanks Ramone for everything. *I got back up and went to the desk again and gave him my ID and this time he gave me a printed out badge and sent me up to her room. I went down the long hall and to the elevators. I got onto the elevator and hit 7 to get up to the ICU where they were keeping her at. I should've paid attention to that sick feeling I had earlier and came home anyway. The little ding went off as I reached the floor. I stepped off and went to the right and opened the doors that led to her room. I hesitated at the door before I went in and saw @sarenemelody laying in the bed* Baby, I'm here.

Sarenity: Mother fucker! *I was yelling because every monitor possible was going off after that pillow launch. They all came rushing in again, not a single face one I wanted in here. They stopped talking to me, telling me things. Instead they would again push something in my IV. Making me have no choice but to relax. Their voices blended but I heard something about the trauma affecting my thinking. The way the meds got into my system so quickly I wasn't able to even attempted to mess with the pins.* "Miss James you know it's not good for you to keep bringing your heart rate up like this." You all have not said two words to me since before my hand became a freaking pin cushion. *I glared at the female as she made a face trying to sympathize with me as my tumble down the stairs was brought up.* "You can tell us who is actually behind your fall. We can keep you both safe." *As she said both her gaze went to my stomach and then I realized there was two more monitors there. Tears started forming again.* It isn't possible. I was told when I was 15. Stop being so fucking cruel! *I know the ultrasound could not lie but in my head I had long since come to terms with the cysts I had, damaging and building so much scar tissue that there was never going to be a chance. I pushed her away the best I could. Not realizing that the were taking the things I was saying out of context. Forgetting that they would not find my medical history that I knew better than anyone.* I fell because I blacked out it's been the 5th time that I am aware of. *I tried to keep my eyes open, fear of what drug induced dreams may follow next. But it was a losing battle. My eyes dropped and I realized what they were doing. It was the only way I was ever going to stay calm. They finally realized it. The door shut behind them, the click so soft it didn't register with me that it was opening again. Drs were supposed to be helping and right now I felt that they were doing the opposite. I was thinking like I was back home with my family, their words still ringing around in my head. I wasn't good enough, never would be. There finally seemed to be no more yesterday left to fall, and I was too relaxed to be able to sob. I dozed not even aware that I was no longer alone. Their presence didn't seem to be that way of the drs and the words that were said, the voice that spoke it didn't reach through the fog that I had just been put in. I shifted and made a face. Unable to get comfortable, not with my hand being a literal pin cushion, the cast that felt like it weighed a ton, the IV in my left forearm, and the blood pressure cuff on my right side. The hand that could, kept flexing like I was wanting something, but nothing would come. The tech who had done the ultrasound had even left me the copies that she made on the side table within reach. Thinking that I'd want them, would keep them. They only broke me even further each time my gaze found them when awake. Something they hadn't figured out yet was my ability to burn through what they would give me, which was happening as I laid there. They refused to give too much, for fear of causing damage. So that meant my body bilt up the tolerance easily enough. This time when my eyes opened, the sight that greeted me I wasn't sure if it was my dreaming or reality. Too scared to risk destroying what could be the one dream I wouldn't want to leave from. Maybe this time they finally got the drug right. He looked so broken, different than the male I was aware of. It was my fault and that was what caused the pain to start again. Thankfully the monitors didn't catch it, I guess emotional pain was far different than physical to them.* Ren? @GrumpRen

Ren: Yes Sare I'm really here. *I walked over to the bed and knew the instant I was in the room. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! She told me it was a good chance she wasn't able to get pregnant and now, this!! I swallowed and took a look at all her injuries. I could heal what I needed to but I was afraid the pain of healing her would affect the baby. I just didn't want to chance it. I took a look at the machines she was hooked up too. I didn't like seeing her like this and now I can see why someone thought she was being abused. Ramone should've taken her to the hospital or clinic when she was having issues the other day. I reached for her uninjured hand to let her know I was real and the fact I was here for her. I kept on debating on doing a little to ease her pain but that would cause pain as well. I took a look around for the chair that would be in here. I saw that it was behind me. I released her hand long enough to grab it and sit by her side. Sighing as I grabbed her hand again.* Baby, I want you to tell me what happened? I wasn't told much other than Ramone thinks you fell down the stairs. How did it happen? I'm sure they think I did this and expect them to try and kick me out once they come back in here. *Lifting her hand I gave it a kiss. I forgot we were supposed to be separated for now and all I thought about was her getting better. No longer did I tell her my suspicions, the doctor and nurses came in with this ball shriveling look at me. As if I was the lowest form on this planet. Yeah, the look didn't bother me since I knew for a fact I didn't do this shit. "I'm sorry, but who are you?" The doctor asked me. I did my best not to sneer at him as I answered.* I'm her fiance. *" I'm sorry but you aren't allowed in here per our protocol for abuse cases". My eyes widened and nostrils flared with my anger at the accusation but I knew it was coming. I took a deep breath as I held myself back from hitting the bastard.* I wasn't even in town when this even happened. I just arrived 15 minutes ago. Her assistant Ramone called me and I came straight down. I was away for work. If you need it, I have receipts from my hotel I was at today. *I stood up and looked down at the doctor as I let nurses move in to do whatever it was.* Can you tell me what injuries she has at least? Or even what's going on? and What has caused the blackouts Ramone told me she was having? *I stood there waiting for him to answer me. "I'm not at liberty to tell you unless she tells me herself I can tell you what's going on. But that mean I'll have to let her come through and feel the pain of it all." I stared at her and didn't have a choice but to see if she would let them know it was alright.* Let her tell you, it will be alright. *Once the nurse moved I moved in closer and held her hand again* @sarenemelody tell the doctor he can tell what's going on.

Sarenity: *He was here, oh god he was seriously here. The hold on my hand confirmed it. I wanted to open my eyes more to see him properly. I was tired though, visibly relaxing at the simple action.* Ramone called? *I was hopeful, wanting so much for this to stay this way. I was waking up more each moment that passed. I didn't want to be at the hospital but I knew they wouldn't let me leave, not as long as they felt I couldn't be on my own.* I'm sorry. *It was all I got out before the drs and nurses came in here again. I was confused since no alarms went off, no annoying beeping that signaled I was stressed. I didn't want to let go of Rens hand a second time but I didn't have much choice. I was able to watch as his demeanor changed, from that of worrying over me, to anger as they accused him of something even I know was absurd. It did not matter how angry I could possibly make him, I would never be touched in an unloving way. I couldn't help but laugh to myself. Did they really think they were keeping me under control with the meds. When the Dr came around to me I could not help but glare at him.* Fuck you. *I grinned even for a moment before I shifted to try and sit up. Cursing again because I had issues trying this myself.* You inglorious moronic idiot. Today is the first time I've seen Ren in well over a week. Your meds suck ass. *With that I stayed quiet. Letting well more like hoping that they would either talk or leave.* Look the monitors aren't even going off so chill out. *I sighed and ignored the looks the Dr gave me.* If he was the one who caused all this, you think I'd be calm? *It was the most I have said since yesterday so I bet they were surprised. Any other time I was just a teary mess. The nurse came over, adjusting each monitor and I wanted to smack her hands once they touched my stomach. Grumbling I had waited until the door finally closed with them on the other side.* No doubt they are going to be within ear shot even more. *I sighed and just flopped my head back onto the pillow it was the only thing that I could do. I could only imagine the way I liked right now too. I sighed before beginning.* Remember the premier I took you too? It actually starts there. The first time I had one of these blackouts. I put it all on stress. But after I changed what all I did, it happened again at home. The coffee table and I no longer are friends because of the bruise. *I stopped for a moment, closing my eyes because the thought of explaining my line of thoughts next would not be so easy.* After that I got scared, thinking that the health, the genetics of my family was again striking me. I didn't want to hear what the Dr was saying. So fear kept me from doing anything. If I was on a shorter clock than I knew of. I didn't want to know. *I made a face as I felt the way I shook. Fighting the emotions I've kept inside for quite some time.* I know you could do something if that was the case but I couldn't bring myself to finding out. Even after it happened at work, in the kitchen. I lied and said I was given a clean bill of health. I went to the house, getting more clothes because I wasn't staying there. I don't know everything. I came to at the bottom of the stairs, and again when Ramone and the paramedics were there. *I sighed chancing a look your way wondering if you were paying attention and listening. Of course why wouldn't you be?* I have a condition, and I'm not talking about all the broken bones I have now. I don't know what to do. @GrumpRen I have to make a choice. Something not easy at all to do.

Ren: Yes Ramone did call, he was a persistent fucker. *Chuckling as I watched the Doctor and nurses leave a little upset they weren't kicking me out, once she told them how long it has been since we've seen each other. I moved back to her side and say back down and grabbed her hand again.* How did I miss the blacking out at the premiere? I losing my touch. *Sighing as I gave your injuries another look and knew the baby was at risk but I wasn't completely bought on him being expendable or whatever you want to call it. Yet I listened and nodded. I was going to help you through this no matter what. I should've also picked up on her black outs as well but I've been too damn busy as well. This was a major kick to the stones with the news of her blacking out. I reached up and cupped your face, letting my thumb move over the skin with a slight smile.* I can't believe you didn't really believe I was here and doubt the fact I'd even be here. *I didn't need to be psychic to know she was thinking that but the fact that thought hit me loud and clear when she was slowly coming through earlier. I always did my best not to invade your privacy by reading your thoughts. I put that block up when I learned how to. * Now I want to know what you want to tell me @sarenemelody.

Sarenity: Ramone deserves a damn raise, with everything he's been putting up with. *My eyes closed at the change of contact, the gentle caress on my cheek was everything.* My family was here, or I think they were. I don't like whatever it is they gave me. *Reaching up I covered your hand moving it to my hip where the pain was always coming from.* I was alone at the premiere, sitting down so no one would be the wiser should they come by. But where I was always hurting, the pain I thought was cysts ended up being more. *Sadly with putting your hand there you would also hit the cast and I was trying to once again push what pain I could out of my mind. *Years of scar tissue, damage, that's what what they said when I went to a Dr about birth control. I had nothing to worry about. It would never happen. *It was a dry laugh that passed my lips.* It's causing the blackouts, the added pain I don't usually deal with. Because of it several bones are broken on my hand alone, I've already had two surgeries. A third is going to be coming. Quite possibly a forth as well. *I pulled our hands back up from my hip. The pain was there at a light touch and I was pushing myself far more than I had since I got here.* I don't want to be here anymore, have them come in here each and every time I get upset. Look at me I have plenty of reasons to be upset. Now they want to tell me that not only did the slimmest possible chance of my life fucking happen, but it's stuck in a shot it shouldn't be. That will do more harm than good. Why would I want to be happy over it? @GrumpRen what the hell am I supposed to do?!

Ren: *I fell silent over what she was saying. This was the hardest thing I wanted to hear and as far as I know, I can't heal this or can I? My hand still holding hers and I felt more than she could ever know when she put my hand at her hip. I had to stop myself from reacting to it.  I had my eyes closed for a second to sort out my own feelings but right now they didn't matter as I heard the hurt in her voice about this. I gave a little clearing of my voice as I moved closer and looked her in the eye.* I can heal you a little to help with some of the pain physically but you do know that it'll hurt as it happens. I'm not sure if...........*Sighing as I looked toward your stomach or more towards the area you had my hand earlier.* I can do anything for h......that. *I caught myself almost telling her it is a boy. I couldn't do that to her. Forget me, she didn't need that on her right now. I just wanted most of this pain gone for her.* When it comes down to it, we will come to the decision we need to babe. I'll stand by your side on whatever you need to do. *I stood up and leaned over to give you a kiss on the forehead, giving you a sad smile. I hated the fact this was happening. I couldn't state it enough to myself but I didn't like it.* Tell me, what do you want me to do @sarenemelody?

Sarenity: When I've been able I thought about it, what I would want you to do. They won't let me leave any time soon. No matter what. *I was done crying but damnit a new wave of tears emerged.* Right now my mind is a mess, they said something about blood loss.... I don't know of they said more. Almost every time they were in here it was to respond to the alarms, make me sleep. *My hand tightened.on your when you stood. Eyes closing at the kiss. I wanted to feel you closer, just the fact of your presence alone was helping me.* I am clueless, but I am not wanting to stay here any longer than I have to. I don't want these damn pins and whatever else in my hand. I want to roll over without feeling like I'm once again getting stabbed. I don't want these damn cords telling in me every time I get fucking upset! *My breathing was in short bursts, chest heaving with each inward breath. The monitors were obviously beeping faster and faster as I continued to talk, the octave of my voice rising as I did.* I don't want to have to make a choice, to dream about the family who damn near ruined me finding me to ridicule more than before. I changed my name for a reason damnit. *Eyes closing once more I was feeling wiped out more than ever from the emotional outburst. I didn't want you to leave though and I hoped I was getting my point across.* Pain thankfully is brief on a good day. I don't care about how bad it might be. If you are leaving here I'm not staying behind. @GrumpRen

[ec-sanderssides]

Come Find Me VII

It’s here! Also heads up, the advice in this chapter is real, so if ever do go without food for a while, you should follow it. I’ll probably need it soon ironically enough, because it is officially too hot to keep anything down, so I’m living off liquids and the occasional fruit. Also @fallingineternity​ @parsnipit​

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VIII

Anxiety buried his head in his hands. And here he’d though this week couldn’t get any worse. But no.

The thing was, finding out that the others didn’t care had hurt, but had not been entirely unexpected. He’d just never wanted to admit it to himself before. So despite the pain this little experiment had caused, Anxiety would have been able to deal with it and let things go back to normal. And chances were, the others would have never noticed a thing.

But now, just when he had managed to accept that he was on his own, that he wasn’t the kind of person people wanted to be around, Prince had to come in. And now he was going to have to deal with all his bullshit guilt and pity, because while the other side may have hated him, but Anxiety knew that his hero complex wouldn’t let him leave Anxiety alone either, not when he thought Anxiety was in distress. It was the exact same attitude Prince got when he saw anyone he thought needed help.

Although, Anxiety really, really wished that for once Prince could leave off with all his heroic crap, because having him try and “help” Anxiety out of uncomfortable obligation was actually worse than the others not noticing him disappear for a week.

Still, at least it wouldn’t last long. A few days, heck maybe even just one, and Prince would remember just how much he hated being around Anxiety, and he’d give up. Till then, Anxiety might as well accept some of his help, like the soup.

Anxiety hated to admit it, but he had really screwed up on the whole not eating thing. Sure, this was hardly the first time he’d skipped meals, but he’d never skipped so many before. And if Prince knew how to help him recover from his mistake, then fine, Anxiety would let him help. Then Prince would feel appropriately heroic and leave, and Anxiety would go back to being forgotten.

Anxiety reached for the glass of water by his bedside, taking small sips until he’d drank the entire thing. He set it back on the bedside table. While he still felt like crap, his headache had eased up slightly.

He stifled a yawn. Despite having spent most of the last week sleeping, he still felt exhausted. Actually he felt more exhausted than when he’d last fallen asleep. Anxiety let his eyes close. What the hell, he was tired and it wasn’t like there was any point in getting up. He might as well sleep

When Anxiety woke up, it was to a cool sensation on his forehead. He squinted up as he reluctantly forced his eyelids to open. Prince was sitting next to him wiping down his forehead with a damp cloth.

“…the hell?” he muttered, only half awake.

“Your skin’s rather warm,” Prince explained briskly, “Likely from the dehydration. I brought an entire pitcher of water this time. I thought it would be easier, since until you recover more, walking will be rather difficult. Oh, and I have that soup I mentioned. I told Morality I’d had a craving and simply had to have minestrone soup. You should eat it while it’s still warm.”

Anxiety blinked trying to process the wave of words. Right, okay.

He forced himself upright, shoving away Prince’s hand as he did so. Prince let him without a fight, although he kept staring at Anxiety with a weird kind of intensity. Anxiety tried not to squirm under it.

“So you got minestrone?” he said, pressing his hands to his eyes trying to wake himself up more. God, he still felt tired, like his very bones were exhausted.

“Well, I realized once I reached Morality’s room that I don’t actually know what kinds of soup you like, and while chicken noodle may be an old standby, I also didn’t want Morality to start thinking I was coming down with something. And well, minestrone was the first kind of soup to pop into my head after that. I figured you’d probably be fine with it, correct?”

“Yeah, no, minestrone’s fine,” Anxiety mumbled. It was actually his favorite kind of soup, but he wasn’t going to give Princey the satisfaction of knowing that. He took the bowl and began to sip it carefully.

After a few minutes, he glanced up. Prince was still sitting on his bed.

“Did you want something?” he drawled.

“What do you like to eat?” Prince asked in reply.

Anxiety paused, setting down his spoon. What? His confusion must have shown on his face, because Prince clarified.

“Eating is going to be hard for a short while as your stomach readjusts to having food again, so there’s no point in making it an even worse struggle by making you eat food that you hate. So I’m asking you what you like to give me a better plan for your recovery.”

“I thought this was my recovery?” Anxiety said confused. “I mean, this will get me upright again, and then I can make my own food. Or at the very least go grab the leftovers Morality always leaves me in the fridge.”

“Of course this isn’t enough to fully recover!” Roman spluttered. “You haven’t eaten in a week! Wait, those leftovers were specifically for you?”

“Yeah,” Anxiety dragged out. “Why do you care- you’re the one that’s been eating them.”

“I will endeavor not to do so in the future,” Roman said, actually looking a little contrite. Then he flung his hands out dramatically. “But this is not the point! You can’t just eat one meal then be better, it takes time for you to recover your appetite.  I doubt you’ll even be able to finish the soup. In fact, I imagine you must be feeling rather full right now, don’t you?”

Anxiety scowled down at his soup. There was still half of it left, but he couldn’t bring himself to eat much more. He hated that Roman was right.

Despite Anxiety’s lack of response, Roman was happy to continue on.

“What’s important is not for you to try and gorge yourself the minute you can walk again. Rather, I recommend having smaller meals every few hours or so. Bread would be a good thing to try and eat next. It’s solid food, unlike the soup, but not overly heavy, and the carbs will be good for you. Oh, and while it may still be too heavy for you right now, perhaps tomorrow we could add some peanut butter for protein. Do you like peanut butter?”

“You’ve seen me eat peanut butter” Anxiety said dryly. Dammit, so much for everything being over quickly. Still, he doubted Prince would feel this invested tomorrow. He’d just listen to the stupid diet plan, and work it all out on his own.

“You know,” Prince said thoughtfully, ignoring Anxiety’s last comment. “It’s probably faster just to ask which foods you don’t like.”

Anxiety rolled his eyes, but since he could see Prince staring at him with expectation, he reluctantly replied.

“I don’t like fish, and I’m not really huge vegetable person,” he muttered and then because he could see Prince gearing up for a lecture, he hastened to add. “I mean, they’re fine in things, I just don’t like them on their own. Um, aside from that, I’m not a huge mayonnaise person, but that’s about it.”

Prince nodded briskly.

“I’ll be sure to remember that,” he said. “For now, try and eat a little more if you can. If you can’t, just rest, and be sure to keep drinking the water I brought.”

“So I’m supposed to just stay in bed? All day” Anxiety asked, not at all happy about taking orders from Prince.

“And here I thought you enjoyed spending your days lazing away,” Prince said with some amusement in his voice. “But yes, pushing yourself and expending energy when your body’s running on nothing would be foolish.

“Well then can you at least grab my laptop,” Anxiety said, gesturing towards his desk, irritated that once again Prince had a point.

Prince deposited the device in his lap.

“I’ll be back later,” he said, and then with a hesitant smile. “Perhaps we could watch some Disney movies together?”

“Whatever,” Anxiety snapped, shoving his headphones over his head. Like he cared.

There was short pause, during which Anxiety kept his eyes firmly fixed on his screen. Then there was sigh and the sound of footsteps.

“Remember to drink water,” Prince called out one last time, as he shut the door.

Anxiety rolled his eyes. God this whole heroic act was annoying. He seriously wished that Prince would just go back to normal, instead of acting like he cared. This wasn’t a fairy tale, and Anxiety was no damsel in distress. Prince could go be the hero somewhere else.

[primeideal]

Star Wars-related complaint

Trying not to go into much detail here, but probably thematic spoilers for “The Last Jedi,” so read at your own risk:

(I recognize that these first few paragraphs are kind of obvious. I get to the point later on but it’s kind of long-winded, sorry, I’m wordy and sulky.)

For me, a kind of “duh” premise about fiction (which maybe other people don’t take for granted as much as I do?) is that it has a plot; it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Traditionally, in the “books” paradigm, works of fiction are created by a single author; it might be a single book, or a long-running series, but the same individual is controlling the plot all the way through, and usually has some idea how things are going to end from the start. A stand-alone movie (or any other stand-alone work of fiction) is the same way; it’s written in such a way that all its plot elements influence each other.

Long-running TV series don’t exactly fit this mold; by the time a season or two has gone by, if it’s still popular, the writers (often plural) might be like “okay, this needs to keep going, so we should stretch things out and branch out in new directions.” Alternatively, they can be abruptly cancelled. Either way, it’s less likely that loose ends will be tied up in a “resolving” way.

There’s plenty of evidence that the original Star Wars trilogy wasn’t tightly conceived of as all in one piece; some of the plot swerves between episodes IV and V, and V and VI, come off as a little contrived. Yet, in its entirety, it tells a complete story: Luke, Leia, and Han overcome the empire, discover family connections, and find love. In the end, evil is defeated, and Anakin Skywalker redeems himself through his love for his family.

For all their ups and downs, the prequels expound on this story by fleshing out the character of Anakin (the “chosen one” who would “restore balance to the force”) and his fall to the dark side. In some sense, there’s not a lot of dramatic tension, because we already know how it “has” to end; with Skywalker becoming Vader, Palpatine as Galactic Emperor, Obi-Wan living on Tatooine, Leia being the princess of Alderaan, but there are a lot of stories to tell along the way to get there. Viewed as “Episodes I-VI,” the saga becomes a slightly less dense, but still fairly cohesive story, about Anakin’s fall and redemption. There’s good and evil in the galaxy, and a lot of people have both and swerve between them.

(This is beside the point, but I personally found Rogue One to be not very gripping the first time through in large part because of this dramatic tension issue; we know how it has to end, so even the stakes raised by the lives and deaths of the individual characters weren’t super affecting for me personally. Later some of the new characters grew on me.)

Now, long before the sequel trilogy was conceived of, the immensely popular franchise had spawned many spinoff books (and videogames etc.) in the original “expanded universe” (now Legends). For some fans, this might be really appealing, because hey--more stories about characters they enjoy in a setting they already like! I, however, never got into the old EU.  But it wasn’t because I disliked the idea of more Star Wars.

Rather, continually adding new plots and new adventures seemed to lower the stakes of the stories I already loved. Some other beloved character falls to the dark side? Don’t worry, they can just come back. Was Emperor Palpatine really evil? Or just preventing an even greater terror from afflicting the galaxy? Is Luke’s love life an unknown, something for fans to extrapolate from the movies? (Gay for Biggs? Bisexual with flings with both Han and Mon Mothma over the years? Asexual and enthusiastic about his family love?) Or does he settle down with a random new character?

To add to all this, of course, I’d confess my own completionism; if I’ve only read five out of a hundred new books, what is the “real” Star Wars? Do I have to read all the rest to have “finished” the series? Is a spinoff book much more real than an intriguing fanfiction?

When a new trilogy was released, I was cautiously optimistic about seeing old heroes return and new ones explore the galaxy. I greatly enjoyed Finn’s character arc--a Stormtrooper who immediately rejected the path of violence, yet was more concerned with protecting his friends than idealistically switching sides right away. (I enjoyed his continual development in TLJ too, along with the no-nonsense Rose Tico, together and separately.) The absence of original trilogy characters led me to start writing fanfiction, and I’m still deeply involved in fandom.

Of course, with the new “canon reset” came a new set of EU books/comics/etc., and I’ve basically skipped on those for the same reason as above. Again, it shouldn’t be surprising by now that a fan with my tastes--preferring cohesive plots to sprawling, anything-can-happen universes (at least where the same characters are involved!)--would tend towards a movies-only take.

But what about those movies? “The Force Awakens” indicated that the main characters’ lives since “Return of the Jedi” have been often disappointing, and TLJ doubled-down on that. Instead of the Empire-destroying triumph, there’s been isolation, despair, a repeat of previous generation’s mistakes, and sometimes death at the hands of loved ones.

So, because some people seem to be surprised by this, is it any wonder that in many senses I don’t like it as a Star Wars movie? I don’t like the idea that the triumphs earned by a previous plot, underlined by the prequel trilogy and its notions of prophecy, are thrown out the window for the sake of adding onto the story. Introducing more characters is potentially cool, but not if I have no reason to believe anything they achieve won’t just be thrown under the bus in the same way when it’s convenient in a few decades.

(I haven’t said anything about Kylo Ren as a villain. I have nothing against enjoying villains as characters, Vader is probably my favorite. I don’t particularly mind the depiction of Ren as an ineffectual villain, although I’m not drawn to it in and of itself; I just don’t like the attention he’s given as the [presumed] last Skywalker ruining his family, and in large part the OT’s, legacy.)

Anyway, since it’s apparently shocking why all of these might be correlated, hope this was illuminating.

I’ve probably forgotten something so who knows, maybe I’ll add a part II if I’m bored someday.

[lia-nikiforov]

Weekly Anime Rambling Re: Creat...ive Conceit

Another week of getting everything mixed up because my viewing schedules are a disaster hahaha! is it very obvious i’m running out of puns

The season’s drawing to a close, and it looks like every show is rushing at full-gear to wrap up all their loose ends or end on a good place before the season break. Which means a lot of shows are doing shitfests and I have A LOT OF WORDS

I haven’t talked much about Fate/Apocrypha in this feature but I must shamefully admit I’m enjoying it way more than I expected. I’ll talk more about that in my final season rundown, so for the time being I’ll just say Astolfo is my waifu and if you use the T slur to refer to them I’ll gut you alive. 

One show clearly struggling to meet its planned middle-point is Altair, with the past two episodes breezing through plot points like a speedcourse on acquiring new party members for Mahmut. The production itself is also clearly suffering, finding an in-model shot of any given character woud be a challenge. I did like the latest episode because we’re finally getting to see more political nuances beyond “Evil empire wants to conquer the world”. I also really liked how they brought the Prenses into the fold by emphasizing her importance in the political moves they’ll carry out next, and that she was the one to come up with them was specially great

Giving female characters agency? What, Like it’s easy?

I’m not even gonna talk about episode 10 of Ballroom because it was so boring I hardly remember anything about it except thinking “is there ever gonna be any dancing” (the answer was no). But I am going to talk about episode 11 because god was it frustrating.

Firstly, this was the episode that featured the most and probably best dancing animation of the entire show. Unsurprisingly, even then it’s overshadowed by the abuse of stills and audience shots. Whatever little magic and good-will they manage to create with, for example, a neat shot of Tatara and Mako hopping is almost instantly voided by a full minute of still frames. Let 👏 me 👏 see 👏 the 👏 fucking 👏 dance 👏 gdi 👏

Of course it wouldn’t be Welcome to the Ballroom without at least a very fine layer of casual sexism and neglecting the female characters entirely, this time awfully noticeable in the second half where all the focus is on Tatara and Gaju having a load of fun with their dick measuring contest! Wait, what do you mean ballroom dancing is a pair sport?

If you ask this show, Ballroom dancing is a sport about men being cool while dragging around women who have no fucking idea of what the fuck is even going on. Add to that all the harping on how “it’s the lead that makes or breaks a pair” “if the leader is bad the pair will look bad” because I guess the follower doesn’t ever matter.Or how only the boys are dead tired after the event, because I gues the girls weren’t dancing at all, what a relaxing job it must be to be a female in competitive ballroom dancing, you don’t have to put in any effort at all!

Also the music choices are atrocious which is finally explained by the Production team revealing they thought the audience would not like “old” music -because I guess the audience is too stupid or smth- so instead they went for completely inappropriate pop-rock themes instead! Maybe don’t underestimate your audience if you want them to buy your produc! (source)

But okay, after god knows how many episodes, the Tenpei cup finally ends, Gaju and Shizuku win but Mako wins Queen of the Dancefloor! At least some recognition fo Mako’s dancing skills, that even in spite of Tatara’s sloppy dancing she managed to outshine Shizuku through her own talents! Wait, hold on, what’s that?

FUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUU SHOOOOOOW

Adding insult to injury, Gaju doesn’t even apologize to Mako for treating her like crap. In spite of his scummy attitude, Gaju seems to be a good sport, so I thought at least he’d “officially” ask Mako to become his partner again, but no such luck, it’s her who approaches him first. Fuck you again, show.

I also have a lot of thoughts about the garbage treatment of Shizuku, but I’ve talked about the show enough in this week, so that’s another post.

Oh yeah, Vatican is... the expected mess I guess lol. I have literally no idea of what is going on anymore but...

I want some of that cocaine too bruh (i’m kidding, don’t do cocaine my friends)

Also, Made in Abyss is great but can we please drop all the pee jokes.

I’ve technically already watched the final episode of Re:Creators, but I want to address the penultimate episod which is the actual resolution of the conflict because it’s not only a convoluted mess (and if I went into that in detail I’d write thousands of words), it’s ultimately a betrayal of the show’s opening promise.

To elaborate, Sota’s first dialogue is something along the lines of “I’m not the protagonist of this story. This story is about her”. At first I thought it meant Selesia too bad she died meaninglessly and without really doing anything for the story like 99.99% of the creations :’D, but we later learn he’s talking about Setsuna, for whose death he feels guilty yadda yadda Potato McBoring manpain.

But then the show decided to make Altair so ridiculously and unbelievably overpowered that the only way to defeat her is the very predictable “create Setsuna” and this is where the show betrays itself

Because even if the resolution is that Setsuna and Altair go off into this some other world to live as abstract creations happily ever after, the actual emotional climax of the episode is after they disappear:

This is a massive slap in the face to everything the show was trying to do and to Setsuna’s character. Basically she’s stripped of her agency and becomes a figment of Sota’s creation. Sota who abandoned her when she was going through the hardest of times, now gets to be -even if briefly- her creator, her god, and he takes the credit for being the amazing creator that save the world. He even says it out loud in a culminating moment of disgusting conceit.

The whole purpose of the story, of the show, as it turns out to be, is to satisfy Sota’s ego. Setsuna is literally fridged for the sake of Sota’s manpain. This was never a good show, but until now it just felt like a lot of poorly executed great ideas. This, though, is basically giving up on any pretention of being “different” of stepping away from “Blandy McBoring protag saves the world because no one else but him can do it, he is so special”, and it’s made even worse because of the context of Setsuna’s death and the meaning of being a creator. Ugh, I’m coming short of words so I’ll just leave it at this was already a mediocre show and somehow they managed to go all the way and make it terrible.

And now another show that is sadly crapping the bed for its last hurrah, and one I’m very sad to be dissing like this. Yup, I’m talking about Virgin Soul

It’s like 10 episodes late and all the reward we get for waiting so long to hear Charioce’s motivation boils down and awfully rote and predictable to “Bahamut killed my mommy so now I kill Bahamut”. Next we know Charioce’s mom was also named Martha I guess. The explanation is also delivered in the most transparently expositional dialogue possible and seems like a very last-minute attempt by the writers to paint Charioce in a sympathetic light because they realized too late they hadn’t given him anything for the audience to like him beyond his romance with Nina. Somehow their explanation doesn’t even address the genocide against the gods or the enslavement of the demon race, and it seems every insinuation of Gabriel being shady has been forgotten too. Okay...

It’s sad because this feels like a hugely missed opportunity. The first half of the series painted the possibility of a tri-racial conflict in which all sides were to blame, but instead it seems like it was all a fabricated conflict to pad the way so they could have a three-way confrontation bombastic finale, but with none of the nuances and grey morals it initially promised. The characters are still great, but I’m very sad that the story has been reduced to an uninteresting, predictable cliché that doesnt even quite work with all the previously established ideas.

Oh well, the season’s almost over. Next week should be my last Rambling of the season before my Final Review and I also somehow gotta find time to post about my most anticipated shows for the fall. Fun!

[dotshiiki]

CoL, chpt 4

IV: PERCY

Over the next few days, Bella filled Percy in slowly with more details about the life he couldn't remember. No, he'd never known his parents; they'd died when he was a little kid. He'd met her a few years ago—him a street kid and her a high school sophomore trying to get into college. Now he mostly bummed around her house while she majored in kinesiology at Arizona State. She talked about using her magical powers to help people in physical therapy, which at least explained the collection of prosthetics cluttering up her apartment.

'The demigods won't believe we could do good, though,' Bella said bitterly. 'They just want to drive us extinct.'

The tattoo was a result of something the demigods had done to him when he'd first gotten drawn into Bella's world. Bella wasn't sure why they'd marked him, but she speculated that it was so they could identify him as an enemy.

Percy traced the thin letters curiously. 'Why didn't they just kill me?'

'I guess they didn't realise then that you weren't going to leave me,' Bella said. Her voice grew soft and inviting. 'They thought you'd fall in with them, but you stuck by me. You're so good, Perseus.'

She lingered over his name like it was a piece of candy she was savouring in her mouth. And it was always Perseus she called him—maybe 'Percy' just didn't have the same sweetness. He wasn't actually sure where he'd picked up the nickname. Had he heard it somewhere?

Bella's eyes locked on his. It was like drowning in a pool of gold. All the questions he had about his background faded into it. His thoughts clouded over. He forgot what he had been asking.

Bella lay her head against his shoulder. Her hair smelt like the outdoors: grassy and pine-fresh. It jolted his brain with something he'd meant to bring up.

'I was thinking,' he said, 'maybe I should go out today. You know, go round the city and see if anything jogs my memory.'

Bella's head snapped up.

'No!' The vehemence in her tone made him jump. She took a deep breath and then continued in a more modulated tone, 'You're safe indoors, Perseus. The demigods are still out there, remember? They already got you once. I would just die if they finished the job.'

'Yeah, but…'

Bella shuddered. 'Don't even think about it.' She handed him a glass. 'Drink your water.'

He sipped obediently at it. The taste was starting to grow on him. He'd disliked the warmth of it at first—why she couldn't add ice, with the weather this hot, he didn't know—but it did go well with the soothing calm that always seemed to spread through him while drinking. After he drained the glass, the only thought left in his head was how lucky he and Bella were to have each other.

That night, he had another strange dream. He was standing on the banks of a river that flowed sluggishly towards a setting sun. Although the riverbed was wide, the river itself cut a narrow course down the middle, so that its dry banks extended out a good fifty feet on either side. The ground beneath his feet looked like it might once have been flooded over, but over time, it had forgotten its life as wet marsh and turned into cracked, hardened mud.

On the other side of the dwindling river, a dark-haired man lounged in a blue and white striped deck chair. Next to him, a long fishing pole was planted firmly in a crack in the hard ground. Its line extended into the water, drifting loosely in the current.

The fisherman raised his hand in greeting to Percy.

'Is there even anything in there to catch?' Percy asked. The river looked dangerously close to the end of its life. The scent of salt hung in the air, so thick he could practically taste it on his lips.

The fisherman scrutinised his line. 'Maybe not any more,' he said. He got up, took his fishing rod, and started to walk towards Percy. When he stepped into the water, the river expanded, rising over the banks and filling its bed.

Percy took a wary step back from the water's edge as it lapped towards him like the waves of the sea. The fisherman kept coming closer, wading through the water, which rose only to his waist, as though it was nothing more than a field of wheat. Finally, he reached Percy's side. Up close, the weather-beaten contours of his face stood out sharply. They fell in kindly wrinkles about his mouth and eyes. Eyes that were the same shifting green of the sunlight-dappled water.

The same shade as Percy's own eyes.

'This river won't harm you, son,' the fisherman said, looking at where Percy stood, hanging back from the water's edge. 'The Salt River is kind to those who carry the Curse of Lethe. It runs under the city of rebirth, after all.'

He handed Percy the fishing rod, and then with a warm, fatherly smile, he glowed so brightly that Percy had to avert his eyes to avoid the blinding light. When he looked back again, the fisherman was gone. The river was retreating as well, shrinking back into its narrow path in the centre of the channel.

There was a tug on the fishing line. Percy started to wind it up, but the bite on the other end was so strong, it dragged him forward towards the dwindling river. As though he was the one being reeled in, the line pulled him straight into the salty water.

It was deeper than should have been possible, given that it had only come up to the fisherman's waist. Percy gasped as the waters closed over his head and he kept going down and down. To his surprise, no water filled his lungs—he was breathing as easily as he did on land. The water seemed to clear his head and heighten his senses. His body felt fresh and ready for action.

The currents continued to carry him along underground. Little golden bubbles floated up to him here and there, bearing disjointed images inside them: a grey stone cabin with seashells embedded in its walls; two tiny figures locked in a tight, underwater embrace; a stone statue of a bearded man with a trident, who looked uncannily like the fisherman in the river.

Then he heard Bella's voice calling to him, 'Where are you?'

'The Salt River,' he called back, though he wasn't sure how he knew this.

'I'll find you!' Her voice sounded a long way off. 'I'll find you, Pers—'

The rushing of the water drowned her out. Percy woke up, feeling like he'd just emerged from a long, dark tunnel.

'Where's the Salt River?' he asked Bella the next morning.

Bella frowned. 'It runs south of the city. Well, used to. It's really just a dried-up riverbed now. Why do you ask?'

When he told Bella about his dream, she went so pale, he was afraid she might faint.

'What's wrong?' he asked.

'Demigods,' she whispered. 'Oh Hecate, they're getting to you. Perseus, you need to try and block the dreams. That's how they track you. Oh, I should have guessed they'd try it. I'm so sorry I didn't warn you before.'

'It's okay,' he said. But he couldn't shake the sense that the dream was trying to give him a hint.

The next day, when Bella was in class, he snuck out of the apartment.

Bella had locked the door from the outside, but Percy managed to squeeze out of the tiny window and lower himself onto the fire escape of the apartment below. He felt a bit guilty, sneaking out when Bella had gone to such great lengths to protect him, but he had to know if the clues in his dream were worth following.

Phoenix wasn't the easiest city to navigate; every other block looked like the one before. Percy struggled to keep track of how many turns he'd made so that he could find his way back again. The weather was as hot as ever, and he found himself longing for Bella's water. He was starting to feel a little silly, coming out here. He didn't even have any real idea where he was meant to start looking.

It must have been around noon when he finally realised that the dry, cracked stretch of land he'd just hiked across actually was the Salt River. Unlike in his dream, not even the thin channel of water in the centre remained.

His mouth tasted of dusty disappointment. There wasn't anything to find here after all. For a while he sat by the freeway, wondering if maybe the river was running underground beneath the concrete city. He didn't know why the idea made him feel better. It wasn't like he had the means to find an underground river. But the thought of the river not existing at all had a bitter tang to it.

Finally he got up and headed back into the city.

He stopped to get a drink from a public fountain at a cluster of orange buildings on a street lined with palm trees. There was a stone statue next to it, a carving of some dude with a long beard and a stick in his hand.

No, not a stick. It had three prongs at the upper end.

Percy's eyes widened. He'd seen this statue in his dreams: one of the images in the golden bubbles—the fisherman with a trident.

He didn't have time to look more closely, though. No sooner had he recognised the statue did someone yell at him from across a parking lot.

'Hey you! Punk!'

The girl yelling at him would have fit in well with a biker gang. She was practically twice his size, with biceps like tree trunks and a nasty scowl on her face. Her expression said clearly: I'm gonna pulverise you.

Percy didn't hang around to find out if she really meant to. He took off at a sprint in the opposite direction.

'Wait! Get back here, punk! Percy!'

The use of his name filled him with dread. The biker girl was probably a demigod, one of those Bella had warned him about, who were out for his blood. He turned randomly down side streets, trying to throw her off.

Several twists and turns later, the sound of her footsteps pounding the pavement behind him faded away. He slowed to a jog and chanced a look over his shoulder.

She didn't seem to be chasing him any more. That was the good part.

The bad part: he had no clue where he'd ended up.

And unfortunately, the demigod girl must have known the city a lot better. She appeared out of nowhere, leaping a fence and tackling him from above. Percy hit the ground hard, pinned under her massive bulk.

'Gotcha!'

Percy flailed, trying to buck the demigod off his back. She was obviously an experienced wrestler—her thighs and knees kept his body pinned expertly while she twisted his arms into a painful lock behind his back. With one free hand, she tossed a gold coin into a puddle inches from Percy's head. It landed in a rainbow spill of oil.

'Iris, accept my offering!'

Percy had no idea who Iris was. Probably back-up. He wriggled harder against the demigod's iron grip.

'Hold still, punk!' She pressed his head down against the ground so that all he could see was gravel. 'Annabeth Chase, at Camp Jupiter.'

'Clarisse, what—oh my gods, you found him!'

The voice coming from the puddle sounded so much like Bella's, Percy stopped struggling for a second. No, it couldn't be. There was no way Bella would be in league with a demigod who wanted to kill him.

'Yeah, he keeps trying to run from—OOF!'

The weight lifted from his back. Someone had barrelled straight into the demigod girl, knocking her off. Perseus scrambled to his feet, fists balled. It took him a moment to recognise Bella, who was moving so quickly she was a brown-haired blur, attacking the demigod with one of the prosthetic legs from her collection.

The demigod was quicker than he expected. She met Bella's blow with a spear. The air crackled when it connected with the metal leg. Bella shrieked and flew backwards into Percy. He caught her before she could hit the ground. Her skin prickled with static.

The damn spear was electric.

'That's not fair!' Percy growled, though it was probably pointless to expect an enemy to play fair when they were out to kill you. He grabbed the prosthetic from Bella and ran at the demigod. Surprisingly, she didn't charge at him with her spear.

'What the hell, punk!' she said, dodging his swing. It caught the end of the spear instead and smacked it out of her hands.

'Oh no, not again!' hissed the demigod as she dived for it.

Bella grabbed his arm. 'Percy, RUN!'

He didn't need telling twice. Taking advantage of the demigod's momentary distraction, he followed Bella's lead, once again sprinting away from his demigod pursuer. Either the demigod was tired now—or maybe more hesitant to chase after prey that outnumbered her—or Bella just knew the city and which alleys to take. This time they managed to lose her for real.

They finally collapsed, totally winded, at the entrance to a dead-end alley lined with pipes that ran along both sides of the walls.

'You were right,' Percy gasped. 'The demigod girl, she recognised me—'

Bella flung her arms around him. 'I can't lose you now, Perseus,' she whispered in his ear. 'You're a part of me.'

She kissed him, and this time he didn't fight it. His adrenaline-filled body responded, inviting her in and kissing her back.

It was like taking a gulp of fiery whisky. His legs trembled and threatened to buckle under him. Bella pushed him against the wall, her lips sucking fervently on his as if she were breathing in his essence. The burning intensity of their kiss had an overwhelming gravitational pull. He couldn't break away from it even if he wanted to.

Why had he been fighting this again? It felt good to be a part of her, like they could fuse their very souls together…

'Get off him, empousa!'

It was Bella's voice, but it wasn't coming from her. Bella herself snarled and whirled around to face the intruders, breaking off their kiss. Percy pressed his palms against the wall to steady himself.

Three figures had simply melted right out of the shadows. There was simply no other way they could have appeared there in the dead end of the alley. Two were shorter: a goth-looking dude with olive skin who was holding hands with a buxom African-American girl with wild, cinnamon-brown hair.

The last one…

Percy did a double-take when he saw her. It was like looking at a replica of Bella, if Bella had blond hair and grey eyes that flashed angrily with the threat of storms.

Bella's fingers clamped around his wrist. 'Get back,' she spat at the intruders.

'Get away from him!' repeated her look-alike. The girl drew a sword that looked like it had been made of sharpened bone. Her two companions unsheathed their weapons as well. Goth-boy's sword had a blade as black as night. The African-American girl's was longer, made of silver, and dead straight.

'He's mine,' Bella said. Her arm curved around his neck.

The African-American girl snapped her fingers. 'Show yourself!' she commanded.

The air in front of him wavered like a shimmer of heat. Bella shrieked and released him, hissing angrily at the African-American girl. Percy yelped when he turned to look at her.

Bella's entire form changed. Her brown hair sizzled with orange flames, lighting her eyes a demonic red. Her teeth elongated into sharp fangs and her nails grew out into pointed claws. Her shapely legs gave way to a pair of mismatched limbs: one a shiny bronze prosthetic like the ones littered about her apartment, the other furry and crooked at the knee, ending in a cloven hoof.

'How dare you use the magic of mother Hecate against me?' Bella screeched.

'Please,' said the African-American girl dismissively. 'Hecate taught me to manipulate the Mist herself.'

'What did you do to her?' Percy demanded. 'Turn her back!'

'Percy,' cried Bella's look-alike. 'She's an empousa! She's trying to kill you.'

'Nice try,' he said. 'You realise you're the ones attacking us with swords?'

Bella laughed. 'You see, demigods? This one is mine. I already have his soul.'

Percy stared at her. What was she saying? Was she trying to confuse the demigods? Trick them so that she and Percy could escape?

'You're lying,' said Bella's look-alike.

'Oh no,' Bella assured her. 'I have waited to find the right soul for a long time, the one that can fulfil the legendary promise to my kind. A soul of a true hero…and this one Lethe-clean to boot! Once I finish binding his soul to me, I will be immortal!'

'She's telling the truth,' said Goth-boy. 'I can sense it. But you haven't finished. And we won't let you.'

Bella grabbed Percy's neck again. 'Try and stop me,' she hissed at the demigods.'

'Bella, what—'

'Hush,' she told him. 'Trust me.'

'Wait,' said her look-alike. 'We can trade. You can have me instead.'

Bella laughed. 'Even if I were to believe that, you're a useless girl. No empousa would spare you a glance—except to kill you like the pesky demigod you are.'

Percy's head was ready to explode. Bella wasn't making sense. Nothing about this exchange was making any sense, and it definitely wasn't just because he couldn't remember his past.

The pressure of his confusion built up in him, like boiling water confined in a covered pot. At any moment, he was going to spill over. It twisted sharply, deep in his gut.

Then the pipes along the walls exploded, drenching them in a warm shower that reeked of sewage. They had to duck as metal debris rained down. When he looked up again, Bella's look-alike had vanished. Only Goth-boy and the African-American girl remained, advancing on them.

Percy grabbed the top of a trash can and held it up like a shield. Not that it would do much good against two demigods with swords and magic that could mutate people and make things explode. But he wasn't about to go down without a fight.

Beside him, Bella let out a sharp gasp. Percy turned and watched in horror as the point of the missing demigod girl's sword emerged from her midriff.

'No—Perseus—my soul—' she breathed. Her hands, now scaly claws thanks to the African-American girl's dirty magic trick, stretched out towards him. Percy reached for them.

His hands swiped through air as Bella disintegrated before his eyes into a shower of fine ash. For a moment, it looked like she was returning to her proper appearance. Then he realised it was her look-alike, standing where Bella had been, the sword with which she'd impaled Bella in one hand, a baseball cap in the other.

He heard Bella's last whisper: 'I will find you, Perseus.' Then a stabbing pain erupted in the small of his back. He fell to his knees in Bella's ashes, at the feet of her look-alike. Her murderer. His hands hit the ground and his fingers closed around a small, hard object.

Bella's murderer grabbed his shoulders, supporting him.

'Percy,' she whispered.

Red hot needles radiated up his spine from his lower back. One of his other two assailants must have gotten him. He was going to die here after all, killed by the demigods just as Bella had warned. And he'd gotten her killed, too.

Well, he wasn't going to die in the arms of her murderer if he could help it. Percy grabbed the demigod's arms and twisted them away from him. Then he drew back his fist and punched her in the face—the only revenge he could exact for Bella.

Strong hands pulled him away and held him down. Something hard slammed into the side of his head.

The last thing he saw before he blacked out was the shocked grey eyes of the girl who looked like Bella.

OoOoO

Bella was speaking to someone in a soft, low voice.

'We were almost too late. Will checked him out—he was being drugged the whole time, and she probably twisted the Mist, too. She almost got him. We nearly delivered him straight to her.'

A dream, he thought in relief. Then, more guiltily, I was supposed to block them.

He opened his eyes. He was lying in a soft bed with light blue sheets that smelt of lemons. The room was windowless, lit only by a standing lamp next to his bed, so he couldn't tell what time of the day it was.

Behind the closed door, the two voices were still speaking.

'It was all my fault,' Bella said. 'The whole reason he's in this state—I got overconfident and he got hurt. And then—'

'Stop,' said another voice, this one male. 'Annabeth, you can't blame yourself.'

Annabeth. Not Bella.

Because Bella was dead.

Percy rubbed his forehead. So it wasn't a dream. There really had been that chase through Phoenix, and Bella's fierce, desperate kiss, interrupted by three demigods…

Bella acting like she wanted to kill him, too.

Pipes exploding. Bella with a sword through her middle, dissolving into ashes.

Why wasn't he dead, though? The demigods had caught him. He definitely remembered their swords pointed at him.

He looked around the room, as if figuring out his surroundings might help make sense of the insanity that was his life. Unfortunately, everything in it was as conflicting as his memories. The closet on his right had one door open to reveal jeans and t-shirts hanging untidily off hangers, with a small pile of clothes accumulated at the bottom. At the far end of the room, an overturned skateboard lay under a table. However, a lacy sweater draped over a chair next to it looked like it might belong to a girl. And stacked in the corner between the table and the door was an assortment of battle gear: scuffed bronze breastplates and shin guards, a gold helmet with a blue feather sticking out at an angle, and several other mismatched pieces of weaponry and armour.

Above the table was a corkboard to which a number of pictures were tacked. Percy got out of bed to have a closer look. Many of them were crayon scrawls—squiggly lines that barely connected and made no pattern that he could decipher. Several were polaroid strips featuring different groups of people. He recognised his own face in some of them, but none of the others were familiar: a sweet-faced middle-aged lady holding a chubby baby with wispy brown hair; a grinning teenager with bad acne, a goatee, and a colourful rasta cap on his head; a freckled redhead sticking her tongue out at the camera; an entire group of friends with their arms slung around each other's shoulders.

If that was indeed him in the photos with these people, he couldn't remember any of it.

Or maybe this was all another elaborate hoax.

In the centre of the table was a large framed photo. Percy picked it up and studied the two people in it. He was obviously one of them, dressed in the armour that stood in the corner of this room. He was leaning towards his companion, who also wore armour, but looked far more attractive in it. Her sun-bleached hair was pulled back into a poofy ponytail under a bandanna. She carried her own helmet under one arm. She wasn't looking at the camera but towards him, her free hand reaching for the plume on his helmet. The expression on her face was a mixture of exasperation and fondness.

She was the same girl who had attacked him and Bella in the alleyway. The one who looked like Bella.

The one who had run her through with a sword.

The photo frame slipped from his fingers and clattered to the floor, creating a jagged split in the glass between him and the girl in the picture.

The conversation in the other room stopped abruptly.

'I think Percy's awake,' the girl, Annabeth, said. 'I'd better go. Thanks for Iris-messaging, Jason.'

'Good luck,' Jason said. 'And remember, break it to him easy.'

A knock came at the door seconds later. 'Percy'? Are you awake?'

When he didn't reply, the door opened anyway. The curly-haired blonde in the picture entered. He was once again struck by her resemblance to Bella—just like a twin with dyed hair.

Except for the eyes. They were unfathomably deep, like staring straight into the eye of a hurricane.

They darted now to the fallen picture frame. Annabeth swallowed hard, but didn't comment on it.

'How are you feeling?'

'Why didn't you kill me yet?' he blurted out.

Annabeth's eyes widened. 'Percy…' She put a hand to her temple. 'Oh gods.'

'You're a demigod,' he said.

'Yes…'

'You're dangerous—you…' He tried to recall all of Bella's warnings about them. His head buzzed uncomfortably.

'Percy, you are a demigod.'

She didn't say it with any vitriol, but it hit him like an accusation. The words crashed over him in a roaring wave. It was as though the fisherman's line in his dream was pulling him beneath the water's surface again, only now he was drowning in a river of everything he thought he knew about himself. Except the facts that he'd accrued over the past week were slipping away from him like he'd tilted his head and poured them out into the current. Panic pooled in his gut as he tried to scoop them back in. What had Bella told him again? Who was he?

Annabeth was still talking, but his ears were ringing so badly, he could only make out one word in ten—son, Poseidon, camp, monsters…

She kept repeating his name, Percy, like it was a collar she was trying to force around his neck.

I am Perseus Jackson.

The name was his only lifeline; his history was once again evaporating into misty vapour, leaving him with only the events that had happened since he'd found himself in Phoenix. Bella, a vague week at her flat, and—this last the sharpest of all—Bella's final moments.

'You killed Bella,' he said, cutting Annabeth off.

'Bel—oh, you mean the empousa. She was going to kill you.'

He shook his head. 'She was keeping me safe from you. She told me you'd find me if I went out, and she was right. I should've listened.'

'She was drugging you, Percy. She needed you to be compliant so she could capture your soul. I don't know what she told you, but—'

'She was my girlfriend!'

Annabeth looked as if he'd slapped her. Thick heavy silence twisted between them. Percy unclenched his fists, which he didn't even realise he'd balled up in the first place.

When Annabeth spoke again, her voice was slow and measured, as though her words were broken glass that might cut her on their way out

'It was all a lie, Percy. Empousai—they prey on men and drink their blood. They use magic—the Mist—to make things look different. It can make you believe things that aren't true…like false memories. That one—Bella—wanted more from you. That's probably why she kept you alive for so long.'

Once I bind his soul to me, I will be immortal.

There was just enough logic to Annabeth's words to make him question everything he knew—or thought he knew. But even if he did believe Bella had been deceitful, who was to say Annabeth wasn't trying to rewrite his history, too, and recast him into a mould she'd created?

How did he know if her story was any more real than Bella's?

'Percy, you have to trust me. You're safe now.'

'I have to trust you,' he said flatly. 'You're telling me that a vampire demon pretended to be my girlfriend, made up all these lies about who I am, and set up a whole elaborate trap to get me to fall for her so she could steal my soul.'

'Yes!'

'And of course this,' he waved his hands around the room, 'definitely isn't a set-up either. I should definitely trust another hot girl telling me I'm safe with her.'

Annabeth took a step back, as if he'd just taken a swing at her. 'I'm not pretending, Percy.' Her voice was small and hurt and for a second he wanted to take back his harsh words, apologise, and meekly agree with everything she'd told him.

But then his rage and panic flooded back. They churned in his stomach, threatening to boil over. There was a sharp tug in his gut, like the twisting of a knob.

Something outside exploded. Water seeped under the gap of the room door.

Annabeth pushed the door open to find the entire floor of the apartment outside flooded to ankle height. The plumbing had come to life: the faucets in the kitchen went off like a sprinkler system; in the bathroom, a toilet bowl spouted its contents in a lively fountain.

Percy put a hand to his stomach. He remembered the pipes exploding in the alleyway in Phoenix. Just after he'd experienced the same tugging sensation in his gut.

Maybe there was some truth to what Annabeth was telling him. He was a demigod. And his powers were every bit as lethal as Bella had suggested.

The walls of the apartment seemed to close in on him, the jaws of a trap snaring him into an identity the demigods wanted to force upon him. To them, Percy Jackson meant something—but what? And was that who he really was, or was it a clever lie?

Perseus, Bella had called him. Which was his real identity?

He pushed past Annabeth to the end of the hallway, to the exit of the apartment.

Annabeth reached for his arm. 'Percy, stop—where are you going?'

'Out,' he said, pulling away from her. 'Or are you going to tell me to stay inside where it's safe, too?'

Annabeth's mouth opened and closed soundlessly. Percy felt a grim satisfaction at getting the last word. He wrenched the front door open.

There was a soft whisper—'Percy.' Annabeth had found her voice after all. His stomach clenched against the claim she tried to exert on him.

Without turning around, he fired back: 'Stop calling me Percy. My name is Perseus!'

And he slammed the door shut behind him.

Continue to chapter 5 | Back to content page

[inawickedlittletown]

Walking The Wire (132/158)

Summary: Tony Stark always knew about Peter Parker. He didn’t know that Peter was going to get superpowers and become Spider-Man, but he always knew about Peter because Peter was his son.

This will span from pre-Iron Man up through the rest of the MCU (eventually including Infinity War) and will be for the most part canon compliant except where I’ve taken some liberties and interpreted canon a certain way.

Pairings: Pepper/Tony, Tony/Steve (endgame), Tony/Mary (past)

A/N: If you want me to tag you when I post new chapters let me know. This fic is also on AO3

I used Collider’s MCU timeline to stay canon and the title of this fic is an Imagine Dragons song that is just so fitting for Peter and Tony

@findmeinthestarss

Masterpost

Chapter One Hundred Thirty One

“Sam!” Peter called.

He’d spotted him walking past mixed in with a whole group of people.

Sam turned and looked lost for a moment before he saw Peter. Peter waved at him and Bucky next to him chuckled. Peter rolled his eyes at him. Peter liked Bucky and it was nice that he had gotten to know Steve’s best friend especially after that talk that he and Steve had had about Bucky. Peter hadn’t brought it up -- the whole thing about The Winter Soldier killing Howard and Maria Stark. It was kind of pointless to, when Peter could tell that it truly hadn’t been Bucky that did it but instead some brainwashed version of him.

Sam hugged Peter. “I -- you’re here,” he said. Then, he glanced at Bucky. “And you. You’re here too.”

“We are,” Peter said. “Kind of weird, isn’t it.”

Sam chuckled. “You could say that.” Sam frowned at them both. “So what is this place anyway?”

Peter explained about the stone and Strange and the sort of limbo state that they thought they were in.

“That’s insane. Half the universe is in this stone.” He let out of a whistle. “And we’re just going to hope that whoever is left figures out how to get us out of here.”

Peter nodded.

“It’s not entirely hopeless,” Bucky said.

Sam nodded. “I guess this is better than being dead.”

Having spent a lot of time with Sam in the tower, it was easy to fall into conversation with him. Sam filled him in on what Bucky had sort of already told him about Wakanda and the attack there. Then, they drifted in conversation.

“Hey, do you remember when you took me and the soldier over there down in that airport?” Sam asked.

Peter nodded quickly. For some reason or another they had never discussed it. A lot of the fight at that airport in Germany had been brushed off by everyone and forgotten. There had always been other more important things to discuss and do.

“Tony did tell me to web everyone up so…”

Sam smiled at him and reached over to ruffle his hair. Peter let him, not bothering to push him away like he would have done if they were -- they would be back there again soon. Things would go back to normal.

Tony had gotten over his thing with water a long time ago. He still didn’t really like having his head under water, but showers and baths were fine. Pools were a little harder. Still, he was always quick in the shower, not liking to linger under the spray of the water for too long. But after Bruce finally took off the IV line, drew some blood for testing, and then sent him on his way, Tony went right into the bathroom desperately needing to get himself clean. And then he spent almost a full hour in the shower.

Somehow, the water hitting the tile was a soothing sound. The warmth of the water a comfort. The steam hiding everything outside the glass surrounding the shower a welcome sight. He could just stay there and breathe and not have to face the world and everything it entailed.

When he did finally get out, he spent some time on grooming. Trimming his goatee a bit just because it was familiar and normal. He used the expensive moisturizer that Pepper had got for him, and then he got dressed in clean familiar clothes and things felt just a little better. Just a little normal.

He found them in the kitchen. The last remaining Avengers and the two additions of Nebula and Rocket. Pepper was there too.

“Hi,” he said. “So, I guess this is the time when we exchange stories?”

Rhodey shook his head and smiled at him and walked over to him first, slinging an arm around Tony’s shoulders. Tony leaned into him.

“I’ve filled them in a little,” Nebula said.

“Ah. Yeah, that’s good.”

“Except that I wasn’t there the whole time,” Nebula said.

Tony nodded. It was easier to dive into the story. Essential in a way if he was going to explain all about Strange and how he’d seen all the possible future and what Tony thought that that meant.

“--then they all started turning to dust. One by one,” Tony said.

Steve and Bruce made him sit down to get some food in him and in the meanwhile they filled him in on everything that happened on their end. Halfway through Thor walked in. It was weird seeing him dressed in regular clothes. Tony didn’t even know he owned regular clothes, but apparently he did.

By the time that they had told him everything, Tony didn’t know what to feel. Wanda had destroyed the stone and Vision with it. She had done that and it hadn’t even mattered. She was gone too, now.

This wasn’t how the world -- no, the universe -- was supposed to be. Tony didn’t quite know how they were supposed to fix any of it. He just knew that they needed to.

They spent some time together. Filling each other in and talking about the matter at hand. He learned about the President being one of the ones turned to dust and then about Fury and the pager that had been left behind.

“Old tech even for Fury,” Tony said.

“Yeah, but it seemed important. We don’t know who he was trying to contact.”

Tony didn’t know if it mattered. He still figured he’d get a look at it.

There was a lot that had happened because of the snap. Things Tony hadn’t even considered and that made the whole thing even worse. All of it weighed on him and then Pepper brought up May.

Tony hadn’t even thought about her. Which kind of made him feel awful. Of course he should have thought about her.

“She -- I’ll need to tell her.”

Steve’s hand landed on his shoulder.

“If you’re not up to it. I could,” Pepper said.

Tony shook his head. It was going to have to be him and it had to be soon. He couldn’t not tell May and he couldn’t wait when he was back and Peter wasn’t. May deserved to know.

A few hours later he was in a car with Steve and Pepper on their way to Queens and Tony knew it was the right thing to do and that it was necessary and yet he didn’t know how it was going to go or how May was going to react and he hated it. He hated that he had to give her these news after promising time and time again to keep him safe.

When they arrived, Tony almost wanted to just leave again or just send Pepper in and take the coward’s route. But he couldn’t. He had to do this. He owed it to Peter and to May and to himself.

May didn’t expect to see Tony when she opened the door. Or Steve. Or Pepper. She did note that Peter wasn’t with them. Her mind went right back to the night when Ben died because she knew without them saying a word why they were there. Peter was gone. Peter was dead. He was--

“May, can we come in?” Pepper asked.

She stepped aside and let them in. Everything felt numb and her mind couldn’t take it in. Not yet. Not until—

“You’ll have to say it,” she said. “You’ll have to say it or I won’t--”

Pepper took hold of her elbow and they moved into the living room. She sat down and Pepper sat at her side.

Tony looked distraught and destroyed. His eyes were rimmed red and there was nothing there to suggest that he was doing well at all. He was holding Steve’s hand and it seemed to be the only thing holding him together. It confirmed everything, but she needed to hear him say it.

“Peter was one of the people that turned to dust,” Tony said. His words were spoken carefully and slowly as if he were fighting to get them all out.

May gasped out a “no” and then she was sobbing and Pepper was holding her and the whole room was silent and her sobs were loud and echoing and nothing made sense. Pepper kept hugging her, but she pulled away, wiping away angrily at her tears.

“How -- how is this happening?”

“We lost,” Steve said. “We lost and half the universe is gone...including Peter.”

Tony was silent next to him, deep frown and looking like he was ready to start crying too and May was angry. She was angry and upset and Peter was gone. Her Peter. Her Peter who was actually Tony’s son and who had gone and become Spider-Man and who was so young and so full of life…

Tony had his eyes closed. He was leaning into Steve and May couldn’t put it all on him. She could see how much he probably already blamed himself and May just couldn’t add to that not when she had to be aware that Peter could have been home with her and it would have been the same result.

“I -- I’m sorry, May,” Tony said.

“It’s not your fault.”

Tony shook his head and he stood up, hands up and running through his hair. He looked wild and lost and Steve stood up a few seconds after he did, but Tony kept out of reach and he ended up looking at some framed pictures. Peter was probably in one or more of them.

May heard him sob. She saw his shoulders shake.

Steve made to move towards him, but she moved faster, wrapping her arms around him. She couldn’t remember if she’d ever hugged Tony Stark before, but she was crying and he was crying and Peter was gone. Their Peter was gone.

May had no idea how long they stood there, but he pulled away eventually and their eyes met. “I’m going to bring him back,” he said. It was sure and with conviction and May believed him.

May didn’t know how to respond. He hugged her again, tight and with meaning and May knew that he meant it. He would do anything to bring Peter back to them.

Afterwards, they went to the tower. Pepper needed to get back there anyway and get back to work, but Tony wanted to stop by. He kind of figured it was probably for the best for them to be at the compound and he needed clothes and a few other things. K-9 greeted them enthusiastically and it hurt to look at Peter’s dog.

“I’ll let you know about the press release,” Pepper said. “And I want you guys to keep me in the loop. I don’t want you disappearing again with no word.”

“Okay. Promise,” Tony muttered.

She hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek. Then she was gone and Steve walked with him and followed him to the workshop. Tony had almost anything that he might need at the compound, but he’d been working out of the tower for the most part and there were a few necessary things there.

He paused when he walked in, seeing how everything was just as he’d left it. Strange had appeared to him just there and from that moment everything had changed.

“Are those--”

Tony turned. Steve was looking at the papers on one of the tables. It took Tony a moment to remember what they were. He nodded.

“Oh,” Steve said.

Tony moved, grabbing things he knew he’d need and then having Friday fly one of his suits over to the compound. Without the nanotech one, he’d be relying on a different suit until he could build something else -- something specifically meant to go against Thanos.

He was doing things quickly, moving almost mechanically because if he stopped for long enough he would think about all the memories that room held because it had become as much Peter’s as his. And then his eyes landed on a holo table and he gasped.

It was the last thing that Peter was working on. Tony didn’t even know what it was exactly because Peter had never answered his questions but it was there open and half done as if Peter had expected to get home and keep working on it because that’s exactly what should have happened and Tony’s hand fell on the table in front of him hard. It wasn’t fair.

None of it was fair. He grabbed the nearest thing to him and threw it. It shattered on the wall satisfyingly enough that he grabbed something else and threw that too.

“Tony! Tony, what are you--”

Tony swept everything off of one of the tables. None of it mattered. This was their space -- his and Peter’s. They spent long afternoons there. Tony showing Peter this or that and constantly being amazed by everything that Peter picked up on or just knew. Peter had his own projects. Some of them were school things but often times he was just curious and interested in figuring something out on his own.

Peter wasn’t there. He wasn’t there.

Peter was dust -- ashes. That’s all that was left of his brilliant amazing boy.

Tony cried out, reaching for something. Anything. His hand landed on the mug he’d been drinking out of that morning. The one Peter had gotten him. He cradled it to his chest and the liquid inside sloshed up the sides but it didn’t matter.

“Tony?”

He set down the mug his hands fell on the table next to it, shaking and he shuddered into Steve when Steve wrapped his arms around him -- fell into Steve and let Steve hold him.

“He’s gone. He’s really gone,” Tony gasped.

No amount of hope was going to change that. Not yet. He clutched at the arm around his chest and Steve held onto him.

“We’ll bring him back, Tones. We will. Together, okay. Together.”

Chapter One Hundred Thirty Three

[scenarios-on-ice]

Roses are red

Violets are blue

This ‘poem’ sucks but

Happy Birthday to you

(Note: there was originally like eight more cynical lines about how birthdays mean you’re that much closer to the end, but I scrapped it because when I try to use dark humor it usually just ends up kinda gruesome.

There’s probably something wrong with me and someday we’ll find out what that is, but today is not that day)

Congratulations! @(^-^)@  You were only sixteen but your mind was older- now you’re seventeen, but I’m sure the latter part of that quote still applies and the blog will blow us all away even more than before! Hope you have a wonderful, satisfying birthday despite how non-stop you are (don’t forget to take a break when you can) and one last time, congratulations!

(also depending on how the timezone difference between Croatia and Korea works, we’re only a day or two apart- my birthday is March 30th, which is tomorrow over here! :D so cool)

“Whatever you say ma'am, Furuta will pay for his behavior! I’ll use tumblr, I’ll write under a pseudonym(Evans)- you’ll see what I can do to him!

But at least since he’s dead, you can finally speak your mind?”

I know, I still like the idea of trans Mutsuki better but other than any hints dropped in canon, I just think it’s very unlikely that TG as a Japanese manga will add a 100%, conmpletely confirmed LGBTQ character. I believe Ishida himself is pretty open towards the LGBTQ community (Nico’s portrayal is a bit questionable but in an omake Yomo is shown thinking that anyone he dates could become Touka’s aunt OR uncle (though of course that could be a translation error), Shuu is a subversion of manga stereotypes regarding gay men and TG in general has a lot of interesting themes regarding sexuality and gender), but idk, the idea of a mainstream seinen manga like TG adding LGBTQ themes that go beyond heavy implication seems unlikely (though who knows, it could happen).

Mutsuki just makes me bitter. FIrst all the arguments about their gender and now I don’t even like them anymore (they used to be an adorable cinnamon roll but after recent chapters, while I still feel for them they’ve become a lot less sympathetic).

(Also this just makes me sound salty but I recently came across a very aggressive blog dedicated to reminding everybody that MUTSKI IS MALE AND YOU ARE ALL WRONG and reading through it just made me kinda mad and irritated all at once. Once a trans person made a post saying that despite being trans themself they didn’t think Mutsuki was, offering several manga moments as decent evidence and being quite polite, and the mod of this blog answered them with what basically boils down to 'lol no it’s possible to be transphobic even if you’re part of the LGBTQ community and you are clearly one of these people’.)

Don’t worry, cinnamon roll Hinami isn’t being forgotten! :) I’m really looking forward to her meeting Akira. I’ve always liked Hina but these recent chapters pushed her up on my ‘favorite characters’ list- she’s just way too sweet.

Reading the manga: wth Ishida you are officially my least favorite person like even Isayama is better than you

Reading Ishida’s translated tweets/the comments he makes in TG extras: why are you so nice

Yeah, I kinda hated Urie at first (I understood his goals and motivations but did he really have to be such a jerk? I honestly thought he was going to get somebody killed in the auction arc) but after the auction arc I started to like him better (I think the official moment I decided ‘I like Urie Kuki as a character’ was when Shirazu died) and I kinda freaked out when I realized what happened to him…

He would make a great Burr though. I think he’s way more willing to act than Burr and is not a ‘talk less, smile more’ kind of person (more like a ‘talk less and don’t smile at all’ type) but they’re still really similar. I could also see Urie singing Wait for It…with Kaneki as Hamilton. Not because Kaneki particularly fits Hamilton but because of how Burr is clearly somewhat jealous about Hamilton’s progress despite not approving of his methods in Wait For It (in an interview about the song I think LMM said something about it describing the feeling of watching your friends and acquaintances getting so far ahead in life and thinking 'Wait for it; someday I’ll get there too’).

Am I the only one who headcanons that despite acting super classy and not knowing much about rap/hip-hop before someone (maybe Hori?) gets him to listen to it, Tsukiyama actually turns out to be a really good rapper?

Speaking of Tsukiyama though, I want to see more of his interactions with Naki

Hmm, since Mado died after he was already an adult couldn’t Akira technically count? We know from omakes that Mado was a doting father and made her childhood as happy as possible, so while her life might not have been 100% perfect it was still really good in TG terms. Takizawa before he entered the academy also counts.

but even those two had so much tragedy happen to them as adults…

(also, have you started reading the manga again? :D)

ok, that sounds creepy. Not going to be watching that.

Thank you so much for the recommendations though! Not sure if I’ll get the time to watch those but I think I saw some Magi volumes in a bookstore here so maybe I’ll check that out when I have the time!

And yeah, if you have any good animes/mangas to recommend, please do! And genre doesn’t matter- though I usually prefer dark, psychological stories I’m willing to make exceptions when the series in question is really good (that’s what I did with YoI after all :) the only genres I’m really reluctant to read are horror and high school romances).

I’m glad you liked them! And nope, don’t mind at all  :D fangirling

I am back! Again, happy birthday ^^ I hope the day went well for you :) How old are you now, if you don’t mind me asking? I’m guessing it’s either 14 or 15.

And thank you very much for the poem, it’s very cute! I wouldn’t have minded the extra verses. They might’ve ruined the mood a bit, tho ^^;; The theme sounds like something baroque poems would write about... Don’t mind me, I just had an exam dealing with baroque, so I’m probably prone to making bad references to it. 

I will never manage to reach your level of puns... I’ll just say that I’m very satisfied with the amount of them.

“Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean he won’t come back. He died so another villain can take his place.

No matter how much I support trans Mu, I’d be very, very surprised if it actually become canon. I mean, as you’ve said, Japan and lgbt don’t quite go together that well... I guess we’ll just have to see... And nope, I still haven’t started to read the manga again. No time ^^;;

I’ve started to dislike Mu after the chapter in which his past was revealed. I just don’t have the will to stomach stories like that, honestly... Good horror/psychology manga/anime might interest me once in a while, but there’s a border I don’t like crossing. TG is waaay over it (which is probably a part of the reason why I dropped it, after all)

Gaah, it’s people like that that make dislike the lgbts... Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against people in that community and I won’t discriminate (though stuff like fictionkin and made-up pronouns do make me roll my eyes), but it’s these people that give people the wrong image about the whole community. Unfortunately, I’ve had quite a few encounters with those... aggressive people. I could go on and on about the things I saw as a part of this site, mostly concerning those ridiculous people who are probably in it because they think it’s ‘cool’ or ‘trendy’ to be bi or genderfluid.  I get waaay too worked up over this theme, don’t I?

Oh, I’m so happy about her not being forgotten! She is a precious cinnamon roll and doesn’t deserve the life she has, she deserves so much better.

Boy, that sounds fun. Well, Ive had experience with the ‘reading manga’ part, but I don’t particularly follow tweets ^^;; I hope things work out in the manga!

Idk, I mean, I disliked him at first, but I got to like him very quickly. I just seem to like silent types like him (I say that, and yet I also like Phichit, Viktor, Haise and so on, who are nothing like him.... WHOOPS).

Signs that I’m slowly forgetting TG: *reading the message* ‘who... are these characters?’ I mean, I know the most important ones, like Haise, Urie, Akira and so on, but the other ones... This makes me very sad ;-;

Yeah, I guess that would make Kaneki a good Hamilton. STILL DON’T WANT BURR (COOKIE) TO KILL HIM, BECAUSE KANEKI IS A CINNAMON ROLL WHO DOESN’T DESERVE TO DIE! The dynamics between Kaneki and Urie don’t make a good Ham-Burr, but their positions in their job, so I guess they really are the best pair for Hamilton.  Why did Ham have to die ;-; That makes casting so much harder for me.

Oh yeah, Tsukiyama would be an amazing rappers, I don’t doubt it at all. In fact, I’m sure that he’d be able to do Guns and Ships perfectly. 

Fun fact: You made a typo saying ‘Mado died after SHE became an adult’ (I changed it) and you gave me the biggest heart attack. Pls, my phone wasn’t used to the speed with which I typed ‘TOKYO GHOUL WIKI AKIRA MADO’ to check if what you said is true.  Yeah, Akira could count, I guess. That makes a total of ONE character... Not much, eh?

I don’t know if I count Takizawa... I think that the way his life is now, it very much makes up the lack of angst in his childhood.

Oh yeah, one last concern about The World Is Still Beautiful!

WHY IS THERE A CHARACTER NAMED LUNA WHO ACTS LIKE AN INSUFFERABLE BRAT DURING HER WHOLE SCREEN TIME, I DEMAND JUSTICE!

I’m done. 

One last recommendation:

LOVE LIVE AKA CUTE IDOLS. I invite you to join me in the pits of idol hell :) It(s not a romance, don’t worry. Also, there’s a mobile rhythm tapping game if you’re interested :))

Ooh, I’d be so happy if you’d start reading Magi! During the later volumes, it gets reeally psychological, so I think you might like it! I’d say something, but spoilers!

Well, I’ll go add the text to the post, then ^^

[evangelineartemiasamos]

Red Queen Fan Fiction Black Storm XX

as I’ve mentioned in this post, this is the continuation of The Fitter.

Find this on wattpad

info dump on original characters

part I

part II

part III

part IV

part V

part VI

part VII

part VIII

part IX

part X

part XI

part XII

part XIII

part XIV

part XV

part XVI

part XVII

part XVIII

part XIX

This is the last chapter, I say it right at the beginning.

The Moon part III

Mare POV

She waved her hand. There was a crack and the ticking of the sounder device stopped after all this time. I took a deep breath, waiting for the nagging headaches to finally subside, as Griffey approached me with her heels clicking on the stone floor. I flinched at the sight of her gory hands.

"Angry I haven't destroyed that thing long before?" she asked me.

I shook my head. "You have ... killed them," I said. "Your comrades."

She snorted. "Have I ever given you the impression that I would hesitate to deal the fatal blow in the decisive moment?"

I stared at her, at the claw tattooed on her right hand. She had never made a secret of her capacity for violence, violence that helped me now. Yet I was shocked to see her slaughtering fellow Silvers without remorse. She was so unlike Cal, who had always ... wished to stop the killing.

"Is that the meaning of the claw?" I asked her.

She smiled grimly and raised said hand to look at it. "It's a reminder of the day this hand was stained with Red blood, a necessary evil." She lowered the hand again and stared straight at me. "I had to bring someone justice, because no one else was doing it for me."

"Against a Red," I scowled.

She shrugged. "He deserved it. Now." She came close enough to touch my arm. "This isn't the time for old stories. Let's get these off, once and for all." She flashed her teeth in a vindictive grin. "I'm proud of you, Mare Barrow. You've already been preparing for this."

She fingered the chain linking the Silent Stone manacles and the collar, as Maven had done, only that it finally - finally - disintegrated as she pulled at it. The collar fell off with a clonk, splattering gems and metal links on the floor.

I gasped in relief, but Griffey's smile was replaced by a sigh. "Now comes the hard work. Silent Stone, the great adversary." Her hands glided over my arms, giving me goosebumps as they neared the handcuffs.

"Well. Your arms and hands are delicate enough. But it will still hurt."

"What?" I whispered.

She became serious. "I can't pry them open. I can only shove them off, hoping I won't break your hands with my efforts."

I swallowed. But I wasn't afraid. I would do anything -

"But I can scrunch your hands, so that the manacles will slide off as easy as possible. You just have to keep them that way by yourself in that moment." She paused, waiting.

For my consent.

I glared at her. "Just do it."

She shoved the manacles up and took a deep breath. Then, invisible threads were coiling around my right hand, keeping the fingers straight, making my thumb and pinkie finger meet. It started to hurt, and the pressure still intensified. I flinched and endured. I heard Griffey breathe out, and in one quick movement, she pulled the ring down my arm, over my sore wrist, off my hand. It grazed skin and drew blood, and the Silent Stone meeting blood burned, just like fire or acid.

But my hand was free.

Griffey choked and heaved. "I need a moment." She turned away from me, bend over and vomited into a corner. It took her mere eyeblinks to regain herself, but she was still flushed Silver as she grapped my water bottle and chunked its content down. "How could you stand the stone for so long, without barfing all the time?" she asked with a rough voice. She sighed. "Let's get it done."

I waited to feel my lightning again. I yearned for the voltage, but all I felt were tiny sparks. Whatever, it would return to me. I had to believe. Griffey had handed a gun to me, but I would have preferred to be able to wield my favourite weapon, the one I created by myself. She had made me scan myself for any kind of tracking device and I could say with certainly that there wasn't one. As we entered the corridor, Griffey spoke to thin air. "You should introduce yourself." A young man materialized from the shadows a moment later. Light fell on his face, the face of a Red, as he nodded to me.

"I'm the Reaper," he stated as if that qualified as an introduction. Griffey chuckled at that. She was already moving forward with her back to me, her dress leaving her shoulders bare and revealing some kind of wings inked there. Her considerable cleavage had shown me another tattoo, a symbol beneath her collarbones, like the M branded on me. But she wore that mark - whatever it meant - with pride.

Her companion grapped my arm and I tried not to flinch. "Come," he murmured. "The schedule is tight." I moved but I drew away slightly.

"Please," he insisted. "It's easier for me if we're touching. To make us invisible."

"You're a Newblood." It wasn't a question. "Are you an illusionist?"

"He's much more than that," Griffey retorted in his stead.

"Or less," he replied. "In a way."

"Only if you choose to." The sentinel stopped as we reached the front door of the makeshift prison building. "You wait, " she ordered us and opened the gate.

Long minutes passed before she returned. "Come now, " she said to us and we left into the night.

Immediately, I searched for electrical circuits. This still worked, despite my long abstinence from my ability. I pointed out several cameras in the vicinity and Griffey nodded. "I'll turn them away." She stopped explaining as her Newblood copmpanion let go if me, took off his jacket, and put it on her shoulders.

"Aren't you cold in that dress?" he uttered and kissed her cheek. She almost moaned and I cleared my throat, blushing at their inappropiate romantic moment. Griffey stepped away from him.

"So," she began again. "We have to reach the end of the estate without anyone noticing you're gone. That's doable, especially once Zero comes to join us again." She winked and I scowled. Still, I opened my mouth to ask about how this was supposed to happen, but she shut me up.

"Shh. No more talk. He can't deaden the sounds."

What was I getting into? I had no idea where this would lead me, and who was waiting for me. Where was I going to run to next? How many people would she kill to free me? But I followed on Griffey's urging, without asking these questions. I wondered if I would rue this.

The invisibility the Newblood veiled us with was even stranger than Harrick's illusions. I continued to see myself, and the man hiding me, but no one else could. Yet I saw my surroundings without any problems, only if I squinted did I notice the light bent in strange ways in the corners of my eyes .

That didn't help me deal with the people meeting Griffey during her seemingly innocent prowl of the garden. Partygoers greeted her more of less friendly, oblivious to the two Newbloods behind her. My heart accelerated with every second their smalltalk fragged on.

The worst moment, though, was when the Silver man fell on her and pulled her into a hug. "Cassie!" he exclaimed and took her face in his hands. "Here you are. Ah, Mother really dressed you up like a lady," he said and grinned. "But you should add these. He threw some silk gloves at her which she put on, hiding the bloodstains there. Then she took his arm, like a lady with her date on a promenade. With a quick glance, she bade me and the Newblood to follow.

"Have you seen yourself in the mirror yet?" the SIlver asked.

Griffey laughed. "Of course! What about you, Roman, have you gotten all your art and baggage for the show into the truck? I'm so excited for the revelation of your feat!"

He - Roman - cackled and I frowned. Their play was over the top and even I could guess they were talking about more sinister things than dresses and art. I itched to know the truth, though. Cal had written to me to trust Griffey, claiming that she was a part of the Scarlet Guard, but why had she brought these other people in? I knew there had to be a price for my liberation. The elation of losing my shackles was weighed down by reason. I might end up in another cage, or Maven might catch me again, after all, sending Griffey and her companions to their deaths.

Frantically, I checked the electricity around me, to be useful, to occupy my mind as half a dozen of Silvers came to talk with Griffey and Roman who they called "Lord  Roman Eagrie". He was her brother, apparently, and the women flirted shamelessly with him, and he ignored them all. It took us an eternity to reach the woody part of the estate, where less partygoers and more sentinels loomed. I shivered at their occasional appearances, just as much as when I glanced at the mansion, where Maven had to be lurking. A third of the windows were lit by now, as probably most of the guests had retired to their rooms, apart from those enjoying the uncommonly warm fullmoon night.

The Newblood grapped my hand, as if to encourage me. I smiled sadly. Of course, my shivering would not go unnoticed. But neither did the strain the use of his light bending ability put on himself. He frowned, and I guessed there was cold sweat on his brow. He had to have maintained the veil for close to half an hour.

All of us were tensed, but Griffey and Eagrie acted like versed soldiers. We were in the woods now, where none of guests were supposed to be. When Eagrie gestured for us to stop, I suspected this was the end of our easy night walk. Another sentinel was closing in on us, about to bark, but his shouting was prevented by a bullet in his head, shot by Eagrie in one fluid motion with a silencer gun. I gasped. Eagrie eyes were able to foresee the immediate future, but after I had met Jon, I'd almost forgotten about their talent. But of course, what was more deadly than an enemy forecasting your every move?

"There'll be more now. We - " Eagrie started and interrupted himself, staring into the gray night for several seconds. "Okay. We can go that way, but we will have to fight. Mirror, Reaper, just go on while Cassie and I take them out. The planned passage is still safe."

I am Mirror?

"Are you sure?" Griffey asked him.

Eagrie nodded. "I hope so. At least her friends will come to spring their distraction," he replied and glanced at me. My heart cramped.

Why can't they be plainer about their plan?

But there was simply no time. Two minutes later, and a group of eight sentinels surrounded us. Again, Eagrie and Griffey didn't wait for them to question their presence and they attacked. They were a marvel to watch: I was reminded of the Silver training I'd received so long ago. The two Silvers made a perfect team, keeping each other's backs safe, and balancing their strengths and weaknesses. Eagrie took care of two swifts and a silk, both of them natural enemies of the telky Griffey, as she'd confessed to me one time. Eagrie wielded two guns at the same time, with no preference for either hand as he shot the three of them with precision; Griffey, in turn, let any bullet of the sentinels go amiss, she made them stumble or drop in pain without any visible hit. That was until she finished them off with her knives spinning through the forest, invisible to the sentinels until the blades landed in the backs of their necks. Still dressed in their ballroom attire, their fighting became a dance of death that was not stopped by the abilities of the sentinels, as both brother and sister knew how to evade the lunges of the strongarms and the animos, killing the animal familiars along with their master. In a spare moment, Griffey waved at me, urging me and the Newblood to run while they struggled.

The Newblood started to run, despite the tiredness taking him over. His panting became louder as he pulled me along, and the shadows hiding us started to flicker, disturbing our own line of vision. We barely managed to run around a large tree suddenly rising in front of us. That kept us from noticing the sentinel officer standing next to it. We bumped into him, stumbled, and our invisibilty dropped for real.

"LIttle Lightning Girl, what are you doing here?" the man droned with a surprised smirk.

I wasn't going to be cowed now, I had readied myself for a fight long ago. I summoned my lightning from deep down inside of me, gathering as much voltage as possible. Yet when I let it loose, the sparks jumping from my fingertips seemed petty. But still, I rose again, preparing to fight the Silver with my own two hands if necessary. And I had the gun Griffey gave to me, after all. But of course, you couldn't just close in on a Silver. He stepped away from the Newblood boy and me, and vines and roots started to rustle through the woods. He was a greenwarden, like the Lord of the region I grew up in. I started to run, evading the plants trying to grap and seize me, still summoning the electrical energy inside of me.

It's not gone it's not gone it's not gone.

I pondered if the lightning ball I was preparing was yet large enough to throw at the greenwarden, and if I had a good chance to hit my mark. From further away, I heard the final screams of the victims Griffey and her brother were dealing with. Could I rely on them to come for me? Finally, a vine succeeded in enwrapping my ankle. I didn't fall to the ground, yet I was stopped in my tracks, an easy aim for the greenwarden certainly eager to bring back the Lightning Girl as his team was slaughtered by Silver traitors. He turned to me, raising more vines to hold me in place.

No more shackles, not again.

But he was approaching slower than reasonable, unsure if he should just kill me, I supposed. That gave the Newblood time to recover and lunge for him. I heard Griffey hasten to us, screaming "Sorata, no!" but that didn't stop him. The Newblood grapped the sentinel's hand and the eyes of the Silver went wide as the Newblood punched him in the face. The vines loosened immediately, but not letting go. That happened after the Newblood, Sorata, fell to his knees and waved his hands. The roots and vines settled down again, releasing me and returning to their slumber.

What the hell?

I caressed my chafed wrists, bleeding for another time, as I assessed Griffey first cutting the greenwarden's throat and then hugging Sorata. She helped him up and came over to me, about to drag me along again, with only a tense "you okay?" for me.

"What is he?" I demanded to know. I noticed Eagrie was coming to us, too. He was bleeding from his arm.

Griffey snorted, but answered, finally. "He's a thief, Mare Barrow. The Reaper of Gifts. The man who will bring the High Houses to their knees."

I blinked, frowning. Was that even possible?

"If he only dared, that is," Griffey added. "If he stays alive." She pulled him closer, but Sorata only lowered his head.

As incredible as the idea seemed, my stunning turned to amazement very fast. That was indeed an ability that the Silvers had to dread. Just as they had to dread Cameron and her ability to void their powers into nothingness.

Sorata tried his best to maintain the veil over us, but he was reaching the edges of his powers, whoever he took it from. I guessed he'd stolen the ability of a shadow for this coup. Already I was assessing which powers were the best to possess, and how many was he able to hold. And regarding what had happened with the greenwarden, his marks were weakened by his larceny.

But these plans were too distracting, as tempting as they were.

We were close to reaching our destination, the fence encirling the estate. I was able to see it, an electrical fence sizzling a welcome hum. What an irony. As if an electrical fence was the right method to keep me contained. Of course there was more. I knew sentinels were watching the border, ready for an attack of the Scarlet Guard, especially with the king on the property. I made out three security cameras in our vicinity, pointing them out so Griffey might turn them away from us. Yet she waited to go on at the edge of the woods.

"It's time for the distraction," she said and her brother nodded.

30 seconds later, I listened to a bang in the distance, probably close to the mansion. The Guard had to be attacking the court and freeing me at the same time. But I'd already had a headstart impossible to make up. We moved even closer to the fence and I saw a group of watchmen thinned down to three soldiers standing there, nervous from the attack, but relieved as well. They seemed not to be very disappointed to be missing the confrontation with the terrorists. They had it wrong of course.

"Sorata, you'll make me invisible," Griffey ordered. "Roman, you take out that one on the left, and Barrow, you... " she paused and patted my shoulder. "Stay back and keep track of the voltage." I wanted to protest, but I understood the reason of her plan. I was still  unsure about the reliability of my lightning. And after all, this last sprout of killing didn't take more time than before. No one saw Griffey as she stabbed one soldier after the other who both fell to the ground without a whisper, especially not their comrade shot by Eagrie as she patrolled the fence a 100 m away.

Griffey bit her lips as she observed the fence. "What do we do about the fence, Barrow?" I blinked, surpirsed at her interest in my opinion. "Will the security notice it if we simply turned it off?" she continued.

I wondered if she shouldn't know about this better than me, as she had served as a sentinel. But I walked to the fence nonetheless, without giving an answer. I needed to feel it to assess it. I didn't hesitate to touch the wire, letting the current flow through my body, caressing my skin. I had missed this for too long. I closed my eyes as the electricity vibrated in my body.

"You go and climb the fence," I said after a while with my eyes still closed. "I'll redirect the current around you."

"Great, Mare Barrow, " I heard Griffey say. "You're almost as creative with your ability as I am."

I watched them haul themselves over the wires while I remained on the ground for a moment, recharging myself through the fence supposed to contain me. It was a joy. It was like the barbed wires were healing the damage inflicted by the sounder device and the Silent Stone, by several months of confining my ability. That time was finally over. When I left this fence behind me, the Lightning Girl would be free as well.

The transport of the Scarlet Guard waited for us beyond another kilometer of thicket. I didn't mind the running, since I felt rather recharged than exhausted, as my companions probably did. I enjoyed the exertion after being held in a room for so long and I pushed back the fear of discovery. I was excited for the meeting, even when I didn't know who had come fo rme. Neither did Griffey. Apparently she'd been left to her own devices when she'd planned my rescue, hardly receiving any information from the Guard in exchange for news about me, as she told me now. I wondered if she thought the rebellion might resent her decision of making use of Sorata, the asset Newblood. Obviously, he wasn't a fighter or an athlete, but I realized he was ready to walk through hell or face Maven by himself if Griffey asked it of him. As she would, in turn.

I gasped when I saw the outlines of the Guard transport, hidden in an overgrown, moonlit clearing. I stopped in my tracks, leaning against an elm tree. There had to be a watch, to prevent a surprise raid. I tried my best, but I didn't remember any of the signals we had used at the notch.

I shouldn't have worried, though. Someine else whistled in my stead, finally closing in on my headstart to this place and I saw a figure with a rifle approach us as I heard another rustle the leaves behing them. Griffey stepped forward with a flourish. Her high-waisted ballroom dress seeming even more out of place in this wilderness.

"A moonlit night is the right time to look into the mirror," she proclaimed mysteriously.

"And I was wondering if it would take you until dawn to arrive here, Moon," Kilorn answered. He lowered the rifle and I stormed forward.

His face fell and I was afraid he would start crying. I froze, but he rushed forward and hugged me.

"You're alive," he murmured, again and again, and I buried my face in his chest. "You're here, and you are alive."

"Yes," I answered quietly.

I had no care for the rest of the team in those moments. My best friend was here, he who had always believed in me, who had been ready to stay by my side no matter what - even when I had been the one to push him away.

A pat on my shoulder interrupted our sobs and I turned my head.

"It's good to have you back, Mare, " Farley whispered and cleared her throat. "He - Shade would be glad too."

I looked at her, at the efforts she took to maintain her composure as she said those words, words that meant a lot to her.

"Thank you," I muttered as my eyes wandered to the bump of her abdomen, a view too promising and enticing to ignore. Yet I raised my eyes to hers again. "And he would be glad about your child," I said and witnessed her blushing with joy and sorrow.

"I know," she answered, after clearing her throat for a second time.

Kilorn let go of me and shock spread on his face as his hand came away bloody. Farley took one look at my sore wrists and flinched, cursing. "That Silver bitch should have taken better care of you!"

She offered to treat them, doing the best she could, because Sara Skonos wasn't with them but attending another team of rebels.

Griffey, Eagrie and Sorata hadn't follwed us into the truck where Farley had put the medical supplies. She had my wrists wrapped in gauze after a short time, and the question of Cal's whereabouts danced on my tongue. But before I could ask, Eagrie leaned against the door of the truck, stretching out his bleeding left arm. "I might have need of some medical attention, too. Ma'am," he said with a tilt of his head. His left hand was, beneath the Silver blood of himself and of his victims, tattooed with the same claw as his sister's right one.

They're truly brother-and-sister-in-arms.

Farley stiffened at his demand and raised an eyebrow. "Such a great Silver Lord thinks a Red is useful to him, what a novelty."

His mouth opened. but he was shoved aside by Griffey entering the truck. "Please excuse me, but I'm afraid I still need your help, Mare Barrow," she announced. "We have to be absolutely sure our captive has no tracker implanted, and you are able to give us such confirmation."

Farley swallowed and Kilorn was about to say something, yet I rose at Griffey's urging and went to her. I heard Kilorn say, "Mare -" as I left the truck.

We walked to another transport at the other side of the clearing. Griffey stopped a few metres in front of the vehicle, the moonlight revealing it to be Silver property, as it was in much better shape than the trucks usually used by the Guard.

"I'm sorry," Griffey said out of a sudden. "It's necessary that you do this, so I have to tell you that -" but I stopped listening to her.

Because he was guarding the truck, the gloom on his face slowly vanishing as he realized my presence.

"Mare, " Cal moaned as he rushed to me, embracing me as if holding me in his arms was all he'd ever wanted. He breathed heavily, in and out, in and out, as I did. He was the first of us to start sobbing and I fell in line. I grabbed his shirt, pulling him closer and closer, breathing in his scent, a compound of smoke, wood and his male body. It was the smell of home, of the salvage we'd found in the notch.

But duty called to both of us and we disentangled after a time that felt both too long and too short. Yet Cal leaned his forehead against mine, unwilling to let go of me so soon.

"I don't know if we can really can that a success," he muttered in a husky voice, with a slight turn of his head to the transport behind him.

"I'm okay, Cal. I live. I'm with you. You've come for me, what more ... " I was unable to continue without starting to cry again. Cal shook his head and took my hand.

"I'll go in with you," he said and Griffey opened the door of the truck. She had waited through Cal's and mine intimate moment and upon entering, she picked up a long, spearlike weapon leaning to a wall in the front of the truck. She stepped aside, allowing Cal and me to enter as well, and the tip of the spear pointed to the unconcious, shackled person propped up by clutter in the back of the truck. A weak light illuminated his pale face.

It was Maven, the demon king of Norta.

Commentary:

This is the last chapter for now. Thanks to everyone who've read all of my words, words trying to shape my impression of the characters into prose and plot. Thank you for accepting and even liking the original characters I've inserted into the story. I hope they weren't too distracting to keep track of. Feel free to ask and critisize.

I had to struggle really hard with all the action scenes here ;-)

Maybe I'll add some further stories in my Red Queen One-shots work. We'll see.

Now, go and read King's Cage, I hope we'll all survive it. Read the ebook if you don’t get the real book for some time^^ Because I will, and I’ll gladly share spoilers privately upon asking.

@maudthebookeater @queenmareena @the-little-lightning-queen @lilyharvord @dewydrael @redqueenfandom @marabarrow

[gretamaya]

One Man for the Galaxy, Part II

Part I: tumblr, AO3

Fandom: Rogue One

Summary: Cassian is always there to greet Jyn when she gets back from a mission.

AO3

He was always there waiting for her when she got back from a mission.

He had not been cleared by medical as quickly as she had. There was nothing physically wrong with him, but twenty years of fighting for the rebellion had enacted a mental toll that needed time to heal. Add to that the fact that the Rebel Alliance and Empire were no more, and had been replaced by a Resistance that had just destroyed the latest version of Jyn’s father’s weapon, and Cassian needed time before he could adequately contribute in high-stress situations. Here, then, was evidence of how different the Resistance was from the Rebel Alliance: they had the knowledge and resources to identify and treat problems that extended beyond the physical.

Jyn was tagged with abandonment issues (normal for Resistance fighters) but she had already lost nearly everything before waking up, and she had kept the one person she had left. Soon she was headed out on reconnaissance missions with Finn and Poe Dameron, the ex-stormtrooper and pilot who had found her and Cassian. The two of them had essentially adopted the rebels, helping them integrate into their new reality. Leia had made it clear to Jyn and Cassian that they were under no obligation to stay, but the Resistance offered some semblance of familiarity for Cassian, including people like Leia he had known during the Rebellion. They weren’t going anywhere.

In the meantime, Cassian was assigned to Leia, overseeing all the information that came into the Resistance from their sources all over the galaxy. When Jyn left on missions, she could always look forward to seeing his lovely face immediately upon return, the worry and tension melting away once she stepped out of whatever mode of transport was deemed appropriate for the current mission.

Of course, his worry wasn’t always immediately banished by her appearance. Once, she stepped off the transport with a green substance, part slime, part plant, wrapped around not only her body but her gear. Cassian, alarmed and unable to greet her as he was used to, asked, “Are you alright?”

She sighed. “I’m fine. It’s getta.”

Immediately, Cassian’s look of worry faded, and he started to look amused.

“It really isn’t funny,” said Finn, similarly covered and coming to stand next to Jyn, examining himself sourly as another vine curled around his leg. Getta was an edible plant that procreated by fire-bombing passers-by with quickly-growing fronds. It would be awfully useful for the Resistance’s cultivation unit to have, only the young growths had to be treated carefully, preventing Jyn and Finn from just cutting it off.

“I was the one attacked - you didn’t have to immediately start trying to brush it off me,” Jyn told him.

“Yeah, but I was concerned it was something dangerous.”

“If it had been dangerous, getting it all over yourself would not have helped matters. Given your desire to save people even from harmless plants, you must’ve made a terrible stormtrooper.”

Finn smiled and nodded. “I did.”

Poe appeared, unmarked by green growth. “How did you manage to avoid this?” asked Cassian.

“He was flying the plane,” Poe’s compatriots declared together bitterly.

They were interrupted by a zap and sizzle from inside the ship. “Stop that!” admonished Poe, but not particularly harshly. He quickly retraced his steps. Cassian peered over Jyn to see BB-8 completely covered in getta, unable to move. He felt sorry for the droid, but it was all pretty funny, and he started to laugh softly. “We need the plant alive,” Poe told his mechanical soothingly. “I’ll go get a cart so we can take you to the cultivation unit. Hang in there.”

Poe moved away with Finn to fulfill his mission while BB-8 complained bitterly about Jyn and Finn having enough getta for the Resistance, there was no need to save what was on him. They also made some sarcastic comments directed towards Cassian about his amusement, but silently BB-8 thought it was nice to see him laughing for a change, and thought that maybe getting covered in getta wasn’t so bad anymore.

Cassian took Jyn’s hand, which had remained free of the vine-like plant’s growth, and raised her fingers to his lips, looking up at her as he did so.

Jyn was caught between annoyance and an entirely different feeling. She couldn’t always - or ever, really - handle when he did things like this, they were so foreign to her experience prior to meeting him. His adorable hotness didn’t help anything, either, and she was covered with green slime, preventing her from responding as she wished.

Straightening up from the kiss, Cassian covered her hand with his other one. “Let’s go get you cleaned up,” he said, smiling down at her.

Jyn smiled back, and went with him out of the hanger.

*

Sometimes, she brought him gifts.

Admittedly, it wasn’t an original idea. Finn had stopped at a shop, examining some of the parts for display. Confused, Jyn had turned to Poe for an explanation. “He’s seeing if there’s something Rey might like. He picks up things for her here and there.”

Oh. Jyn had heard all about Rey, almost entirely from Finn. Some from BB-8, translated by Poe. She knew Finn missed her, but she didn’t realize he had been collecting things to give to her.

Jyn watched the ex-Stormtrooper as she thought of her ex-Rebel Alliance intelligence officer. Cassian was forever scrounging up various interesting bits from the ship to show her. Sometimes it was an old weapon he had located and thought she might find interesting, sometimes a delicacy he had found who-knows-where. One time he had even presented her with a kyber crystal necklace, to replace her mother’s gift that she had used to keep them alive. He had refused to say where he had gotten it, but Jyn suspected he had help from some of his old Rebellion friends, probably including Wedge Antilles. Cassian might be confined to Leia’s flagship, but Jyn bet he knew it better than anyone on board by this point. He seemed determined to examine every last circuit. To familiarize himself with his surroundings.

Jyn walked up next to Finn, to look over the offerings. It hadn’t occurred to her to bring something back for Cassian. Quite frankly, she was still getting used to the idea that she had someone to bring anything back to.

A beep from behind her caused her to stop frowning at the display and instead turn around, frowning at BB-8, who was holding an object out to her.

Jyn took it and examined it more closely, a small smile playing on her face as she did so. “Thanks, BB-8. I think he’d like this.”

After getting back to the ship, where Cassian was waiting for her in is usual spot, Jyn decided to wait until they were back in their room before she handed Cassian his gift.

“What’s this?” he asked, as she placed the wrapped package in his lap.

“It’s for you. Open it,” Jyn said. She was trying to hide her nervousness. This had seemed like a great idea back on the outpost - now, she wasn’t so sure.

Cassian gently unwrapped the gift. She watched him go very still, as he did when he was overwhelmed, while he looked at the present Jyn had presented to him. Jyn was growing concerned, he wasn’t moving or saying anything. Maybe it had been wrong to bring this to him.

“Where did you find this?” He asked, so quietly she would’ve missed what he said had she not been so intently focused on him.

“A dealer on the base we stopped at was selling it. BB-8 found it. I-” Jyn swallowed. “I thought you might like it.”

Cassian used the controls to zoom in on the holoimage of Yavin IV. Not only did it show the moon, it also allowed the viewer to move through what once was the Rebel Alliance home base.

He looked up at her. He quite clearly was struggling with whatever it was he was feeling, but he returned her gaze steadily. “Thank you,” he managed, reaching for her hand.

Jyn stuck to less intense gifts after that.

*

One time when the doors to the transport opened, Cassian was waiting as usual, only no one stepped off.

He tried not to panic - they had not mentioned there were any casualties, though they were coming in quite a bit later than originally expected. Walking into the the ship Cassian noticed movement in the cockpit. “We’re okay, just exhausted,” Poe called, as BB-8 beeped in agreement. “I’m only awake because BB-8 shocked me into consciousness so I could land the ship.” The droid added that they had tried waking Poe in various less unpleasant ways but nothing had been successful.

Looking around the hold Cassian found Jyn and Finn leaning against one another, sound asleep, still covered in their gear. “Go ahead,” he told Poe, “I’ll look after them.” BB-8 kept up a string of chatter to help keep Poe on his feet as he moved out of the transport.

Before waking them up, Cassian removed as much gear as he could. Neither one of them moved throughout this process.

He had quite the difficulty getting them moving and on their feet, half-wishing BB-8 would appear to shock them awake, but he finally managed to deposit them in more comfortable sleeping arrangements.

Jyn awoke quite a bit later sleeping next to Cassian, while he sat reading the latest intelligence reports. His hand rested lightly in her hair. “Hi,” he grinned down at her, noticing she was awake.

“Hi,” she breathed back happily. The last thing she remembered clearly was leaning against Finn in utter exhaustion on her way back from the mission. Cassian must’ve had a hell of a time getting her back to their room.

As if reading her thoughts, he said, “I don’t think you weigh enough.” She pinched him. “Ouch,” he said, grabbing her hand.

Jyn sat up, but only so she could wrap her arms around Cassian, who pulled her close, the intelligence reports forgotten. Kissing her head, he said, “I’m glad you’re okay.”

She gave him a squeeze. “Me, too.” She was ready for him to be cleared to go with her, she really didn’t like leaving him behind to worry like he did.

Determined to make up for the fact that she wasn’t awake to receive his greeting upon her return, her lips found his, and it was awhile before either one thought of anything else.

*

He was always there waiting for her when she got back from a mission.

Until one time he wasn’t.

Jyn stepped off the transport and spotted the general waiting for her. Jyn had no idea until that moment that it was possible to be horrified to see Leia Organa.

“He was captured by bounty hunters,” Leia said, speaking quickly before Jyn could imagine worse. “They came for me, but Cassian wouldn’t let them take me. They settled for him instead.”

“Why?” That was Finn - Jyn hadn’t noticed him come up next to her. “Cassian doesn’t have a price on his head.”

“Any decent bounty hunter could find someone to take him. Make some money so their effort isn’t totally wasted,” Leia responded.

Jyn had little desire to continue talking about why, the only thing that mattered was getting him back. “What’s being done to recover him?”

“We’ve sent out scouts to locate the bounty hunter’s base, and dig up any information we can on them. We’ll find him, Jyn.”

Jyn nodded. Leia sounded so sure. She turned to Poe. Without her having to say anything, he moved back up the ramp of the ship he had just landed. They weren’t staying here for long.

They were going to get Cassian. They were going to bring him home.