#journal dump

[rosemariejean]

i remember it all

especially what i want to forget

i remember when you told me i had bpd

why did i call your therapist?

i can't remember my line of reasoning

all of the embarassing and unhinged things i did with you

like a stain on my sanity

i saw myself as a victim

hellbent on manipulating the narrative

who was that girl

that version of me

and why does she still haunt me?

i get night terrors and cold sweats

when i see my bleached hair

[marvelsfavoriteuncle]

Dear Journal… 📝

I just had to accidentally witness flashbacks today.

I was having an odd morning like i always do. Tired, i had a hangover from the night before and decided to at least get some stuff done.

Going to the bedroom, i fix my bed, organize the area around the tv and throw away any used napkins and water bottles. And as i do, i change into a gray shirt, black sweatpants and slippers—i ain’t going anywhere!

Of course, i get some calls done too. I’m calling Sharon, chatting with my niece as i should then i hear noises in the hallway.

I am confused and concerned, concerned that someone locked another person in a closet. Since Tony has done with his siblings, Sharon has done, my own FREAKING sister done it to me before—EVEN REI has done to his siblings.

So ofc i am mad, concerned and worried that the poor person is stuck as i hear banging, noises and whatnot.

But has ai jingle open the doorknob, and unlock..guess who i find? Not a kid or teen—BUT BRUCE AND NATASHA MAKING OUT!

MY POOR EYES!

I got flashbacks to finding my sister and Peggy making out in a closet years ago! Hell I got flashbacks to Howard and Maria too!! So many things were running through my mind like: How long has this been going on? When? Have they told anybody? And why it is always me to has to find out this crap?!

Haven’t I suffered enough that I had to see it a 3rd time?!

Anyways once I got over it (not really cuz Black Widow was kissing The Hulk—huh? Guess badass ladies have things for smart brunettes) they talked a bit about things, not exactly clear onto their respective relationship, not wanting it on SHIELD record or anything. Like uh okay, SHIELD doesn’t know shit about this! 

Blah blah blah we sorta talked (not really, but I don’t really mind, they had their hands all over each other anyways) something’s accidentally occurred to me that it’s the weekend, theses two seriously need a date night or a short weekend away from the chaos to figure things out between them…so I may or may not offered them one of my houses.

I rarely do that anymore but as long as I don’t find them in a supply closet making out I’m good. As long as my house isn’t flooded, destroyed or burned, hell or any property damage—it’s find by me.

I never get a chance to actually enjoy a relationship or a break from children..so I guess they deserved a chance for both!

I thought Bruce had a crush on Thor!? What happened to that!?

I felt like I was 3rd wheeling in front of them or a parent who just caught their kid making out together on the couch. It was weird but I guess they make a good couple.

It’s kinda cute. Pretty much still in shock and surprised by it all.

Honestly it made me forgot for it felt to be in love and enjoy life despite all the things in our lives. Huh? I guess when you loved and lost a lot of loved ones, you forgot how it is to feel about having a relationship.

So it feel awkward and uncomfortable and closed off. You just don’t know how to handle things or date again. It’s just weird. Maybe I might start dating again? Any thoughts?

Anyways I’m rambling too long. Bye.

—-

——-+—

Hope u like this entry! Should Jason start dating again?

Tags: @missstrawbs2001 @purpleprincessonfyre @meiramel l @gcthvile @rickb-chaos @gaminggirlsstuff @wizzzardofoz @cherrysft @luna-d-marsh @ask-starrk



[dance-of-moonlight]

[belog-grada-crna-princeza]

People don't know each other, don't connect with each other. I've grown up playing roles. I've grown up an actress. I should've won a million Oscars because I can be anyone you need me to be: if you need a hero, I'll be your hero, I'll play the perfect villian and the willing victim. I'll be the Big Bad Wolf and I'll be the damsel in distress. Just don't ask me to be me.

You don't want me to be me.

You don't wanna know about everything I hide and what I've been hiding all my days, you don't wanna see the rubbish and destruction behind the image we've both created for me. I can read your mind and I can make your fantasies come to life. That's the fun of me. That's what you sign up for.

Don't get mad that I leave. Don't get mad when I do. You're not here for the ugly parts, you're here for the fun, and the show can only last for so long before I get fucking exhausted.

I hate you because you love the mask, not me.

I don't really hate you. I hate myself because I'm fucking unloveable. I'm fundamentally screwed up and it's not your fault but you must leave before you see the truth. You must leave and never return before I look into your eyes and see the disgust and disapproval and disappointment because I'm not what you wanted. I'll cling, I'll attach, I hate that I do that because the ending was written before the play even began. I thought that you could love me. Even though deep down, this is what I am. This is all I am. All I'll ever be.

I wish I didn't have to be a ghost.

I wish there was a place for me.

The wishing, the hope, that's what has always killed me the most. I vowed to myself to find a way to kill it but I still don't know how to do it and still remain alive.

If I could just turn it all off. But I can't. And so it's the cruelest game of all. I'll always wish for something I was never destined to have, to be.

~ just journal thoughts

[yearnyapyawn]

How can you do that?

Hold me so tightly to you, skin to skin, listening to your heartbeat, forehead kisses, make me cum on your cock, skin to skin.

And then basically ignore me the next day. Yesterday's news. A fleeting goodbye. A reply left on read.

I'm worth more than that. I know this. Why can't I walk away? I'm a lover girl. I'm not made for casual. It rots me away, piece by piece. Just little bits. Enough to feel the hurt but not enough to put me off.

How much of my feelings am I willing to sacrifice? I am always the sacrifice.

[trashbucket-poetry]

Since I haven’t written anything recently but unfinished poetry take some random pics from my journal, enjoy :)

[doomedyaoiliker]

he's just a little pookie to me

two of the bills are from @honeqq and @handymanbill !!!

[xo-dreamy]

..

~please no rude comments. these events are real, and so is my writing. names are changed for protection~

So there is only two more days of completing my 40 hours of community service. I had 6 months to complete it but I have honestly just been so freakin lazy to go to the place. I was just scared because I did not know what to expect from the place I was suppose to go to and the people that were there. It was not bad though. I would say at first I was very judgmental towards the environment I was working in. Also the people that lived there as well. [The place I went to complete my 40 hours of work was a church, it also sheltered people in need; homeless, addicts etc]. I think that is why I did not go within the 6 months of the time period. As I had said earlier, it was not bad after the 2nd time going. I have been going to bible study more then going just for the work. Because the work, they make you clean around the area. The reason I did not like going to the work instead is because I don't really like to really do things that I don't feel like doing. [which is also probably why I didn't attend earlier 🤣]. Attending bible study was much easier, and I had also never attended bible studies before, which I was a little bit interested in doing so and as well learning about God and such.

After giving bible study more chances, I started to become interested in it. What the pastor talked about was really interesting to me that day, which made me continue to go back to bible studies only. Not only was the study fun and interesting to me, but the people that attended and lived there too. Everyone there was always so cheerful, and bright towards one another. And even towards me. Which I did not expect at all, because I was new there and I get anxiety when around a large crowd of people that I don't know.

This was my 3rd time going back to bible studies, it is not bad and again I was very nervous in the beginning as I did not know what to expect from the environment, and the people. I had also noticed a few people asking me if I was good at the Bible study [whom I met before when I was working the hours there before bible study hours]. I think they asked me because, I may have seem sad to them [which I do have problems with depression, or the need to disassociate at the time].

So far I am glad I had finally pushed myself to go and get it started. When pastor had said to us to push ourselves to go and get it done, because no one else will do it for us. It made me think to myself, yes, I know that, but my anxiety is what holds me back from doing certain activities. Especially from holding me back from the 6 months that I had time to finish. During this month, I do not feel super rushed though. [complete on 26th] This whole November month is going by slow, so it is all planned out perfectly :)

[belovedapollo]

today ✍🏼 reblog is ok, don’t repost/use

[anouri]

i hope it’s us in the end (it has to be)

caitlyn siehl // @isbergillustration // graham dean // @anouri // ernest hemingway // sarah levine via @geryone // matthew dickman // @auvtre // the 1975 // @amiablesummer // eleanor hsieh

[marvelsfavoriteuncle]

📝 Dear Journal,

I shit my pants last night on seeing Rick’s friend C.

I just woken up from a nap half an hour before deciding to join the young heroes movie night.

Rochelle, Liane, Luna, and Rick were there. Liane decided on a scary movie then a cute Disney movie later.

Rick was confused onto that point of the film, as him and Rochelle got scared, getting a couple of jump scares.

Hell, I got a little worried and scared when watching Scream (1996). I got flashbacks to Tony and Rhodes watching the movie years ago when they invited their friends for a small movie night, then could not sleep for two nights straight.

And in present day, theses kiddos are watching it.

But what scared them (including me), wasn’t exactly the movie but a black thing resting against Rick’s shoulder with big sharply pointed teeth. The girls and I basically screamed meanwhile Rick looked unfazed by the whole thing, confused by our reactions.

Wait no Luna didn’t seemed very scared, barely unfazed by the whole creature popping out of nowhere. It had me wondering if it was mistaken on theses heroes and if they had any other characteristics to them. Hell, I am hiding behind a layer of secrets myself, so who am I to judge? Right?

Anyways Liane was scared out of her mind meanwhile Rochelle was just in shock about the whole thing.

I don’t blame them!

But I am curious now onto the kids and wanting to get to know them a bit more, maybe a couple of days of chatting and chilling with them could get everyone comfortable. I know everyone got some kind of special things to them, but that’s for another time. Maybe I might hang out with them some more if they want?

Watch a movie (that isn’t scary), go out to relax at a balcony side of The Tower with them and even get creative by letting them decorate their rooms at The Tower? I think they might like if I ordered stuff for them to design their bedrooms.

Getting off track, anyways, yeah, that’s when we were introduced to C, his pal.

Let’s just say I didn’t sleep last night.

How are the others holding up from movie night? Let me know in the comments below.

——

———-

// Tags: @missstrawbs2001 @purpleprincessonfyre @meiramel @gcthvile @ask-starrk @rickb-chaos @gaminggirlsstuff @wizzzardofoz @cherrysft @luna-d-marsh and etc

[lilbeanz]

hello beanz, hope you're doing well! do you have any useless worldbuilding headcanons or jodt facts which are utterly useless or very mildly useful to the plot?

Hello lovely💗 I'm doing well, and I hope the same for you!

And gah! This is such a good ask! Definitely a thinker, too 🤭

The Useful Headcanons:

• The Wizarding World is called the Wixen World because fuck the patriarchy. (And yes, I realise both "wizard" and "witch" can be perceived as gender neutral, but typically, wizards are male, and witches are female (ugh👎))

• There are more magical schools than just eLEvEn, because as a wise man once said:

Take it from Hermione and Draco in GS,ch4:

“There’s around fifty in all of Europe,” Hermione began.

“Another fifty in Asia,” Draco carried on.

“Several in the Americas.”

“A handful of smaller schools scattered across the Pacific Islands.”

“And near a hundred in Africa.”

• Generally, wix are not homophobic, transphobic, or racist. Their prejudice problems revolve around blood and magical creatures.

Historically speaking, the Victorian era really fucked up Muggle society. And, yes, there was homophobic/racist ideology pre-Victorian era (1600s - 1700s), but by then, the magic and muggle world was already at odds with each other (Statute of Secrecy was eatablished in 1692) -- why would purebloods concern themselves with such trivial Muggle bigotry?

• Which leads me to my next worldbuilding point; Paganism. Traditional witchcraft and its influences on both the Wixen and Muggle worlds. Pureblood families are known to celebrate the Wheel of the Year -- equinoxes and solstices etc... Paganism existed before the statute and still exists into the Muggle world of course, which is how Muggles have wicca and the craft. Why Wiccan Muggles gather at Stone Henge for the summer solstice and all sorts. It just makes sense 🤌✨️

• Wolfstar. That's it. That's the whole bullet point. Just. Wolfstar.

• In Pureblood society, there is an unspoken hierarchy. The Malfoys' circle consisted of the Goyles, the Crabbes, and the Notts (and other notable Death Eater names), as well as the Parkinsons, the Greengrasses, and many other blood purist sympathisers.

Draco grew up with Greg, Vince, Pansy, Daphne, and Theo. The coming war will surely test the strength of childhood bonds...

• The divide between Draco and his father means Draco is becoming his own person as opposed to following in his father's footsteps. Draco finds himself striving to be a little more like his mother, and a lot more like himself.

The fire of rebellion flourishes inside him, but how far can he go before the flames grow out of his control?

The Not So Useful & Sort of Silly Headcanons:

• Crabbe and Goyle are not as thick as some people (*cough* Harry *cough*) perceive. Vince is a Transfiguration whizz-kid & Greg enjoys art.

• Pansy Parkinson falls in love very easily, but also very quickly moves onto her next meal -- ah, her next fixation.

• Mad-Eye Moody enjoyed a very relaxed year of his retirement from 1994 to 1995, with absolutely no home intrusions or attacks from dark wix.

• Lucius Malfoy has an unhealthy obsession with white peacocks. Especially his prized darling, Bartholomew Armand Malfoy the Third.

• Dobby has a cupboard specifically for storing all of his socks at Hogwarts.

• Professor Burbage had a groovy flower-power phase in the 70s.

• Harry sometimes finds himself talking to Draco's embroidered portrait on the Black family tapestry at Grimmauld Place.

• Erik, Nikolaj, and Katrina embark on a journey across America after graduating from Durmstrang. In their travels, they may discover many things...

I'm sure there's more! But here's what I can think of off the top of my head! 🥰💕

[belog-grada-crna-princeza]

How do you tell someone: “I want to be held by you”?

I am terrified of touch. I avoid hands, fingers, bodies hovering over. I am terrified of meaningful touch. I can have sex with the first person I see down the street, but I won't let anyone hold me.

I want to be held by you. Good you, kind you, gentle you. Sweet, perfect, angelic you. When you look into my eyes, I see forgiveness. I see peace. I see home.

I want to be he(a)l(e)d by you. I want you to know me, to see me, I want to take off this heavy, heavy shell of mine I call skin for you. I want you to see me.

I am bad. I know that. I am very bad, I am absolutely horrible and disgusting and horrific. I can never be held by your perfect hands. Your perfect hands deserve other perfect hands.

Darling, you slip away like sand and I open my fingers. It's my attempt to be good, for once. It's my attempt at loving you.

Jane Austen “Emma” // my journal

[katabay]

L'APPEL DU VIDE

okay so. jack! jack. what a collection of guys. the overlap between jack and the beanstalk and jack the giant killer, though. that sure is something! sometimes king arthur is there, which always takes me by surprise.

this. specifically. is an idea I've been kicking around. jack and the beanstalk is not a story I've ever enjoyed, as a kid it was probably my least favorite to read. as an adult, I was INTENSELY fascinated by reading j.g. ballard's the drowned giant. I think about it frequently, and somewhere during a re read of it, I ended up revisiting jack.

combining different versions of jack into one character is not a new concept, but it IS a fun one! the version I've been assembling together plays less with the fun elements of a jack story (and adjacent folklore stories), and focuses more on the potential for tragic elements with the addition of the usual grim and jagged narrative edges that I personally enjoy.

jack with the backstory of the devil and the three golden hairs, only jack doesn't find love, he's TIRED, all he wants to do is go home, but there isn't a home to go back to. what is the point of being born lucky if this is what it gets you? jack the giant killer, only he doesn't want to kill giants, jack who saw a body of a giant when he was a small child and cannot bring himself to do as a king commands. jack, who climbs up the beanstalk and stops halfway to look down. etc.

to go back to the drowned giant real quick, both to set the tone about jack seeing the body of a giant as a youth, and also because I've been haunted and obsessed with this excerpt of it ever since I read it:

J. G. Ballard, The Drowned Giant

anyway! this was originally like, a two illustration concept to get out of my system. however. I'm halfway through outlining a narrative. so. maybe it will also be several illustrations and also comic.

bsky ⭐ pixiv ⭐ pillowfort ⭐ cohost

[saydesole]

Journaling

Write down those thoughts 🤎

Record your thoughts 🫶🏽

[doomedyaoiliker]

happens every night