#just last night my childhood best friend was texting me sobbing going WHY DID YOU GET ME INTO THIS SHOW??? IM HEARTBROKEN

[sapphosboy]

Just convinced my seventh (possibly 8th) person to watch Good Omens. @neil-gaiman should hire me. I am busting my ass off promoting his (incredible) show for free with zero marketing training.

[neesieiumz]

6 Months {Izuku Midoriya x Reader}

(Pro-hero!Izuku Midoriya x Former Pro-hero!Reader)

[PART ONE] [PART TWO]

L E A V E.

Summary: You were done. Done with everything. So what do you do? You move on. What's new? What's old? And who makes an even bigger space in your heart?

A/n: So this isn't based on another song, well technically it's still based on Sorry, but it's more like a part two to sorry than it being it's own separate part, you feel me? I know it took longer than expected, but there were so many paths I wanted to take and I didnt feel like rushing it. I really wanted to focus on flashbacks for this final part, your decision to leave the pro-hero scene, when Izuku and Melissa started to see each other... etc... I always made a gateway... in case I wanted to continue you and someone else's romance if I ever felt like it... So enjoy!

Support me on Kofi! Commissions are open!

Word Count: 8.0k

Warnings: Implied NFSW, but no deed is actually done, light drinking, (all in good fun)

___

Falling into your mother’s arms, you spilled everything from last night and this morning. On how you eavesdropped on his conversation, the confrontations from both this morning and at the brunch. Your father wasn’t home, left earlier this morning for his job. Both you and your brother moved out not too long after high school, him going on to college to become an engineer, and you moving into an apartment with Mina and Jirou while you worked for the same hero agency. Your mother was your closest confidant, she was the only one who could come to mind to tell her about what happened. She just held you, rocking you as you cried, cried about your broken marriage, and seeing the girl your husband abandoned you for. You cried about how both she, your dad, and your brother were right. How you should have never listened to him about giving up everything you worked so hard for. She held you in her loving arms, whispering sweet things in your ear.

“I should have listened to you,” you sobbed, holding one of the throw pillows close to you as you sat up on your couch, leaving her hold on you.

Your dress was bunched up to your knees so you pulled the wrinkled material out from under you as you shifted around on your mother’s leather couch. She pulled you into one last hug, the warm embrace making silent tears fall down your face. Your mom pushed the braids falling out of your now-loose bun from your tear-stricken face. Continuing to caress your face slowly, her slightly rough hands provided a familiar comfort from your childhood.

“This is not your fault, you can not blame yourself for his infidelity, nor can you blame yourself for sticking by your husband’s side and decisions. You did what you thought was right and absolutely no one can give you shit for believing in your marriage.” Her soft voice provides extra comfort to you.

“WHAT?!?”

You were in your family home, six years ago. You still had a couple of bandages around your face and arms. Recently, you just completed physical therapy, nearly regaining full control over your limbs. The fight you had was brutal, nearly leveled the entire city. However, you came out successful from it, even if it put you out of commission for over a year. However, since you’ve woken up, you and Izuku have been having intense conversations about the two of you and your futures together, which led you to the decision you’ve made today.

“YOU’RE RETIRING?!?!” Your brother yelled, standing up swiftly out of his chair.

You took a deep breath, keeping your head down as you nodded your head. It was just you, your parents, and your brother here, Izuku currently being in the top 25 heroes, had a lot of work to do so he could join you as you broke the news to them.

“Izuku and I have been talking and seeing how fast he’s going in the Hero Charts. This incident caused us to do some major thinking. The two of us worrying about each other on the job isn’t healthy. Having two heroes in a relationship, especially two who are going as high in the ranks as us as quickly as we are. Considering how there are a lot more people expecting Izuku to go higher since he’s All Might’s prodigy. So, I’ll be retiring and helping Izuku with his career from the sidelines.”

You let out another deep breath as you finished your monologue, your fingers twitching in your lap. You knew this was a decision your family wasn’t going to agree with, after all, it’s not like you don’t have your legacy to meet up with. Your mother, before Miruko, was the highest-ranked female pro hero in all of Japan. You had her legacy to go after since your brother decided to go into the family business with pro-hero gear.

“You can’t be serious!! After everything, you’ve worked for?!?! You’re just gonna give it up BECAUSE IZUKU SAID SO?!”

Your brother was the most pissed, after all, it was always both you and his plan that the two of you would live up to our parent’s legacy. He would become the best support gear inventor and you would become the best pro hero. So saying this puts a damper on the dreams you both had.

“You had one bad fight with a villain, but the doctors said you’re going to be cleared right?” You nodded your head at his question, “so why? Why would you need to retire after that one fight?!”

“Izuku proposed.”

Gasps of shock flew from heri mouths, you smiled sadly as you pulled your hand from under the other, revealing the small, silver ring with the pure cut diamond sitting perfectly in the middle of it.

“He’s the love of my life, and he’s the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with… to have kids with. We both understand how difficult this job is, and we both know how much I wanted to become a pro hero, but since he’s my endgame… something had to give. And so I did.”

Next was your father, having raised you since you were 3 years old. He saw how much you looked up to your mother, and to your grandmother as well. You come from a line from female pro heroes, and it was always your dream to continue that. He’s always supported you throughout the years, remembering all the times the two of you would work in his workshop on new hero gear, both with your brother and without as well.

“Y/n, don’t you think you’re rushing into this decision? This is everything you’ve been working for, and you’re gonna throw it away?”

“I know your concerns but this is for the best for me and him. I know being a pro hero was what I wanted, but…” you trailed off, looking away from your trembling hands.

Your mother, who was sitting beside you, could only stare at your trembling hands. Almost reminds her of the time she told her mother who she was marrying. How nervous she was, not because she was putting her career on the back burner, but because of what happened the last time she decided to pursue a romantic relationship with someone. She got you out of it, but it was still a painful journey. She took a deep breath, before shifting herself to where you were. She placed her hand on top of your own, making you look down at them before slowly turning your head to look at her.

“Are you happy?”

The question caught everyone off guard, their heads turning towards your mother. You slowly nodded your head, smiling at all the memories you’ve made with Izuku. When you first met as a transfer student, your first date and everything else.

“Yeah Mom, I’m happy.”

You took a deep breath, leaning forward as you shook the memory out of your head.

Meanwhile, your mom tried to lighten the mood, “Well, let’s hope your father doesn’t get to him… you know he doesn’t play about you… or your brother either.”

“He won’t be able to land a hit on him unless Izuku lets him.”

“Well, he better let him then!”

You laughed out loud at that, throwing your head back against the back of the couch. You could feel your mom get off the couch, leaning up as she headed to the dining table. Looking through the papers stacked on the wooden table, she pulled out a business card before walking back to where you were still seated on the couch. Your mom sat back down in her original seat, before handing you the same card of laminated cardboard paper.

Renai Miya, divorce attorney at law.

“Renai is a good friend of mine, she gave me that in case anyone I knew was getting advice soon. I’m sure she didn’t expect my daughter but I’m sure she’ll be able to help you out.”

You looked over at your mother, who just gave you another knowing smile. She just rubbed at your shoulders in comfort as you pulled out your phone.

---

Izuku was sitting at his office, ignoring the texts from both Shoto and Katsuki. After the argument and confrontation from this morning, he decided to stay in the office today and complete some overdue paperwork. Typing away on his computer, his mind began to shift from the email he was sent to the hero commission to the argument that happened between him, Kacchan, and Shoto.

“I’m sorry, YOUR WIFE JUST TRIED TO KILL YOU! We don’t know what would have happened if we hadn't come when we did!” Katsuki yelled, throwing his jacket off of his body.

“Izuku, this is a serious matter. We need to know what happened,” Shoto explained next, kneeling in front of Izuku’s crouching figure.

Izuku just shook his head, diving his head into the insides of his elbows. Shoto and Katsuki looked at each other, the concern shining in their eyes. They looked back at their trembling friend, who was now starting to rock back and forth while whispering “I fucked up.” over and over again.

“Izuku,” Katsuki started tentatively, “what did you do?”

Izuku stopped trembling and his rocking ceased as he raised his head slowly, locking eyes with his childhood friend. Katsuki’s leg began moving up and down in anticipation, waiting for him to say something.

“I don’t want to report this, trust me. So just pretend you never saw that.” That was all he said before standing up, pushing past them.

Izuku shook his head, focusing back on his emails. He sent the long paragraph he was typing, after making sure there were grammatical or spelling errors. He then leaned back against his office chair, throwing his head back. A gross, yet very familiar feeling was arising from his stomach, it was slimy, it was painful, it was guilt. He felt guilty, remembering how his wife looked at him at breakfast and right before she left. How the look in her eyes felt more painful than other villains could ever inflict on him.

Closing his eyes, his mind slowly drifted to a memory, a memory from three months ago.

It was dark, and Izuku was tired, so very tired from the shift he worked. However, he needed to do this. He needed to end whatever the hell he and Melissa had. The way they were conversing over private messages was getting too much. In a week would be his wedding Anniversary, and how his wife, Y/n, surprised him, reminded him about what he and Melissa had.

And how wrong it was.

He wore a black, sleeveless turtleneck, paired with a dark coat along with dark jeans. He had fake glasses on his face and his curly was positioned to cover his face so people wouldn’t recognize him. He kept his head forward as he approached the apartment complex Melissa mentioned she was moving into. After living on I-island for all of her life, she wanted a change of pace, especially since what happened with her father way back when. So she got a job as a top hero support inventor at the company where Izuku got his extra gear from. Since it’s also where Hatsume worked as well. He opened the door and walked into the lobby. He looked around the expensive-looking area, seeing the receptionist, and only one other person sitting on the complementary couch talking on the phone. He walked to the receptionist, who greeted him with a smile.

“Are you here to see someone?”

He nodded and gave his fake name, the one he told Melissa he’d be using, along with the apartment number that she gave him. The receptionist simply smiled before typing in her computer, before reaching over to the phone and pressing a couple of the buttons. Izuku could hear someone pick up, a muffled voice through the phone.

“Yes, Ms. Shield, A Iseada L/n is here to see you.”

Izuku took a deep breath, hearing the fake name he gave along with his wife’s maiden name. The receptionist gave off acknowledging hums to the person on the phone, who Izuku knew was Melissa. He rocked himself against his heels, feeling his fingers twitch around in his pockets.

“Alright, I’ll send him right up!” She ended the call, placing the phone back in its holder.

She then smiled at Izuku before pointing at the elevators behind him, “you can use an elevator. Ms. Shield lives on the fifth floor.”

Izuku nodded and thanked her before turning around to the elevators. He picked on towards the left and stepped inside of it, waiting for it to close before choosing the button that said “five.” The doors closed as generic elevator music played throughout the rising mechanical box. Izuku sighed, pulling off the fake glasses, before pushing his curls out of his face.

Third floor…

Fourth floor…

The elevator dinged as the door opened, revealing the fifth floor. Izuku stepped out of the elevator, using the signs on the walls to find his way to Melissa’s apartment. Walking past all the other doors, of the patrons of the apartment, who were currently sleeping to the world. Unaware that their number one hero was sneaking past them, claiming to be ending an illicit relationship.” Seeing the apartment number up ahead, Izuu could feel his heart beat faster. Taking another deep breath, he stopped right in front of the pitch-black door. Swallowing his spit, he closed his eyes before knocking on the door a couple of times. Almost immediately after he knocked, the door opened, causing Izuku’s eyes to shoot open, jumping back a little as Melissa stepped into the doorframe. Izuku was about to speak when his eyes drifted down to what she was wearing. It was a simple white t-shirt, ending right at her upper thigh. Izuku licked his dry lips, before looking back up at Melissa’s face who was giving him a knowing smile, that looked smug as well.

“Izuku,” her usually peachy tone came out a little subtle, silky and sultry, “I’m so happy to see you after so long. Come in.”

Izuku simply nodded as Messlia stepped to the side, allowing him to enter her expensive apartment, which could be classified as a penthouse. Izuku looked around, his eyes landing on all the decorations around her living room. He walked toward her wall, where she hung pictures. There were pictures of Melissa with her dad, her mom, All Might, and a couple of her friends from I-island. He continued looking around, before his eyes landing on a picture of the two of them, back when he was a first-year.

“You were so short back then,” Izuku heard Melissa say, as she came to stand next to him.

Izuku just nodded, continuing to look at the frames. He was enveloped in the nostalgia he was facing when he didn’t even notice Melissa coming up behind him. He only noticed her when he felt a hand coming up around his waist. He froze, his heart pounding away in his ears. She then stood right behind him, before pressing up against his back next, her hands now circling his waist.

“Melissa…” he started, feeling her fingers mess with his zipper and belt under his overcoat jacket.

God, was she wearing anything under that shirt? He could feel her breasts, her hardened nipples pressing against his back. He took another deep breath, licking his lips before moving his hands to where her own was and prying them off his belt, just as she was beginning to unbuckle it.

“Melissa, we can’t do this. I’m married. Happily married at that. I can’t keep doing this to her.”

Melissa only hummed, moving her body from behind his own, stepping in front of him. She was wet, her long wavy dripping down her face and body. The water from her wet hair dripped onto her shirt, her white, very thin shirt. Izuku’s breath hitched as he slowly glanced down her body, her nipples visibly being shown through the fabric.

“Yet, you can’t keep your eyes off me Izuku.” Hands grabbed at his jacket, pulling him closer to her.

Izuku gasped as Melissa brought her hand, cupping his face before bringing it down. Izuku gasped once again as he felt lips upon his own, feeling her other hand reach inside his jacket to pull him closer by the waist. Izuku was about to push her away, he needed to push her away. God, he was married for fucks sake, to someone who loved him dearly. But her lips, they felt so good to him. Glossed from the shower she took, they tasted of mint and strawberries. Izuku, taking a deep breath, went to push off his jacket, never letting go of the kiss. Mellissa, smirking into the kiss, helped him out of the jacket before squealing as Izuku scooped her up before slamming her on the wall.

“This is a one-time thing,” he mumbled against her lips, using his hips to hold her up against the wall as he took off his shirt next.

“Yeah…” Mellissa said with a skeptical tone, feeling his hands go under her wet shirt next.

“A one-time thing…”

Izuku groaned, throwing the papers in his hands across his desk. Taking a deep breath, he pushed himself out of his desk. He stood up from out of his chair, walking over to the wall which was replaced with windows, looking down upon the city of Mustafa. He could hear the faint sounds of cars driving and honking, he could see the civilians, everyone he protects. Looking across the street, he could see a cafe. It was one that he frequents since it’s so close. The door opened, and it revealed a couple. A laughing couple. The man was holding a medium-sized bag, with the logo of the cafe plastered across the bag. He was wearing a dark brown suede jacket that was buttoned shut. The woman was wearing a matching jacket, wearing as a dress, her curly hair pulled up in a bun. She held their coffees as they walked along the sidewalk. Izuku smiled sadly, before looking over to the couch in his office.

Laughter rang out inside the office, the sun had already gone down a long time ago and the night shift heroes were all out patrolling, leaving Izuku, a couple of sidekicks, and a couple of more janitors. It was your anniversary, but unfortunately, a string of villain attacks happened today. This pulled Deku out of his day off and kept him away. So, you decided to surprise me with dinner at his office. You cooked shrimp alfredo, packing it in pretty containers, before stopping by a couple of stores, buying a fancy cake that said “Happy Anniversary.” The last thing you bought was some expensive alcohol, a bottle of wine and champagne just in case. She then dressed up, a dark green silk dress paired with a matching coat and heeled shoes. She brought a few decorations before carrying all of that, using your clouds. Izuku smiled once he walked into the office with everything, abandoning his work and helped you set up the table.

The two of you enjoyed dinner together, talking about your day, specifically on how Izuku was swamped with back-to-back villain attacks. To the point where he was the same police officer twice in two different scenes. After dinner, the two of you move to the couch, still holding your wine glasses now filled with champagne.

“I have a gift for you,” Izuku mentioned, pushing himself up off the couch before going behind his desk, going through the drawers.

You giggled, shifting around the couch to get a little more comfortable, your jacket long discarded. Izuku hissed out a “here it is!”, before pulling out a neatly wrapped box, closing the drawer with his foot. You took another sip of your bubbly alcohol as Izuku skipped over to you with the box in hand.

“Here you go, darling!”

You smiled, placing your glass on the small lamp table to the right of you before sitting up and taking the box from your husband. He smiled at you as he sat beside you, seeing you begging to open up the carefully placed wrapping paper. Once all the wrapping paper was removed from the box, you gasped, seeing the logo on the box. BVLGARI. A smile slowly appeared on your face as you untied the golden silk ribbon. Slowly lifting the top of the box, you pulled out of the pure white tissue paper. This revealed one of the most beautiful necklaces and earrings you’ve ever seen. It was an emerald necklace, it had two emeralds, and also was decorated with mini diamonds along the border, and considering the brand, you knew it was real. The earrings were dangly and matched the way the smaller emerald looked on the necklace.

“Izuku… it’s beautiful…”

He smiled, taking the box out of your hands before taking the necklace out of the box. He whispered at you to turn around. Following his instructions, you swept your goddess braids to the side as he placed the necklace around your neck, the cool feeling of the metal tingly against your warm skin. Izuku then connected the chain, letting the necklace fall against your nape before leaning over your shoulder and placing a light kiss on top of her almost-bare shoulder. You shuddered, leaning into his touch as his hands moved from your shoulders, trailing down your body to rest them on your hips. You let out a moan, feeling him give your neck a nip, reaching up to grab him by his messy curls. You smirked, before sighing into the neck kisses he was leaving on your neck.

“You smell,” he inhaled slowly, “really fucking good.”

Giggling at his words, you placed your own hands on top of his own before turning around. You lifted yourself off the chair. Izuku lifted an eyebrow as you placed your hands behind your back.

“I have a gift for you too, it’s not a material gift but…” you trialed off as you reached up the straps of your dress, before beginning to slowly pull them down, revealing the thin straps of your expensive lingerie.

Izuku’s eyes sparkled as your dress trailed down your body, revealing the expensive material cut and crafted to fit your body perfectly. The way the emerald green clashed perfectly with your deeper skin. Your manicured hands trailed down your body as your dress pooled at your feet, leaving you in nothing but the sinful lingerie and the heels to match. Izuku licked his bottom lip as you slowly walked over to him, dragging your heels with each step. Lifting yourself, you slowly placed yourself on his lap, feeling Izuku’s hands immediately attach themselves to your hips. He gave you a sly smile, looking up at you.

“And you look so amazing,” he gave your body another glance, making you smirk and lean back, using your arms and hands to steady you.

You smiled, wrapping your arms around his neck before diving into a kiss. His lips tasted of mint and strawberries, it was a new taste but one you didn’t mind. Deepening the kiss, you gasped as you felt Izuku’s hard on all the way through his pants.

“I love you so much, Izuku Midoriya.”

A moment of silence went by.

“I love you too, Y/n Midoriya.”

Izuku took a deep breath and was about to open the next one when his phone, his personal one, started ringing. He reached in the drawer and pulled it out and looked at the screen. Sweetheart was calling, a picture of you and Izuku at your wedding anniversary plastered across the screen. Izuku was less blacked up back then, and you still had a crutch from your physical therapy from your incident. But god did you both look so beautiful and happy. Izuku was wearing his suit from the wedding but without the jacket and a couple of buttons unfastened. You, however, changed out of your wedding dress into a white velvet dress that was strapless and came with these long gloves in the similar fabric that you only wore for official pictures. Izuku was carrying you bridal style along with the rest of you and his family and his closest friends.

Izuku simply smiled sadly, before answering the call.

“Y/n?”

He heard nothing at first, nothing but the phone static so he called out your name again. This time he heard someone take a deep, trembling breath as if they had been crying for a long time.

“Izuku.” Your voice was scratchy, and hoars too. Izuku could feel his heartbreak and drop to his ass all at the same time. He did that.

God he was supposed to be a hero, save people and never let them down.

Now he may have just ruined his marriage.

“Y/n.” He said again, “how- how are you?”

“I’ve called a divorce lawyer.”

Oh. Straight to the bullet.

“We can’t- we can’t talk about this?”

“What’s there to talk about? You did this to me. You did this to us. Now face the fucking consequences of your actions.” Your voice was scratchy, the rasp appearing with each word you say.

“I know what I did.”

“And yet, you still did it.”

Izuku took a deep breath, leaning back into his chair. He looked up at the ceiling of his office, looking at the dazzling, overhanging chandelier in the middle of it.

“So there’s nothing I can say or do to convince you to stay?”

“You can have the house, as long as you pay me alimony for the next two-three years, for a reasonable price of course.”

You completely ignored his question, going straight into what was going to happen next. Izuku took another deep breath, this time leaning against his hand as he placed his elbow, pointed up, against his desk.

“So this is it?”

“This is it, Izuku. I told myself I would never lessen myself for a man, and I already broke that when I quit my job. I’m not gonna keep doing that to myself.”

“I-I love you.”

You gave off an airy chuckle as if you couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. And with that you ended the call, those being one of the last words you’ll be saying to him until the meetings between the two of you and your divorce lawyers.

---

“Y/n?” A muffled voice called out, pulling you out of your sleep along with knocks on your door

You pushed yourself off the bed, throwing the hotel blankets off your body. It was late at night, you went back home after your impromptu visit with your mother. You packed up what you could in one go before stuffing it in your car. You couldn’t see Izuku after that, so you tried your best to remove any trace of yourself from that house. You were just about to fall asleep, the tv playing a random 90s show for background noise. Digging through one of your suitcases, you found a robe to wrap around your body before moving towards the door.

You summoned lightning in one hand as you checked who was at the door. Seeing red-and-white hair, along with a bright blue eye and a dull grey eye, you took a deep sigh of relief before slowly opening the door. Standing there, wearing a raincoat and holding a closed umbrella was Shoto Todoroki. His hair that grew since high school was pulled back in a ponytail as he looked down upon with concerned eyes.

“Y/n…”

You took a deep breath, closing your eyes as he said your name. You then opened them back up before giving him a sad smile.

“Shoto… can I help you?” You leaned against the doorway, placing a hand in your waist.

“I heard from Izuku, the two of you are getting a divorce?”

You leaned into the hallway, looking to see if anyone saw him before pulling him into your hotel room. You closed the door and locked it behind you immediately before turning on the light. Shoto looked around the luxury rented room, seeing all of your suitcases and other items stacked up against a wall. Feeling your hands tremble, you sat on your bed, folding your hands underneath themselves.

“How did-“ your voice came out raspy and dry, so you cleared your throat before speaking again.

“How did you find me? I didn’t tell anyone where I was.”

Shoto simply smiled, “being the #3 hero has its perks. I figured you didn’t want a lot of people crowding around you so I said I’d talk to you.”

Hearing that, you lifted your head swiftly, “people already know about the divorce?”

Shot shrugged off his raincoat, revealing the long sleeve black turtleneck he was wearing. He placed his umbrella in a random corner before going to sit beside you on the bed.

“After what happened this morning, Izuku only told us that you’re leaving him… and wouldn’t tell us why. We called everyone, Uraraka, Iida, Kirishima, we even called his mom and All Might… all he said was that his marriage was over. No reason as to why…”

You let out a slight chuckle, your shoulders jumping slightly at the irony of the situation.

“So the only person you could come to was me, right?”

Shoto simply nodded his head, shifting his body closer to you.

“Y/n… I know you… you aren’t this rash person. You wouldn’t come to this decision on a whim. I thought you and Izuku were okay?”

Taking a deep breath, you spoke, “I thought we were okay too… Shoto I… he…”

Your body shuddered and shook as sobs flew out of your mouth. As tears fell, you covered your face and turned away from Shoto, hunching over yourself. That’s when you feel hands, one warm and the other cold, pull at you, grabbing at your waist before pulling you into a warm body. Shoto’s comforting hands and his placing you on the fireside of his body allowed him to let it all out once again. He didn’t say a word, only letting out soft shushes in your ear as you continued to cry.

You could hear nothing else other than the air conditioning and your cries echo throughout your room. It felt like an eternity before you slowly started to quiet down. Taking a deep breath, you slowly pushed yourself out of Shoto’s hold before getting up to get a water bottle. Shoto, his eyes still shining with concern, said nothing as you twisted the cap open and drank half the bottle.

As the pudding of your head slowly went away, you placed the bottle on the desk before sitting back on the bed.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to cry my eyes out all over you,” you apologized, grabbing one of the pillows to hold closer to your body.

Shoto shook his head, waving off your concerns, “it’s okay, it’s black anyways.”

You just nodded your head and looked away.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s wrong? Why are you and Izuku getting a divorce?”

You took a deep breath, your mind racing with everything you’ve been through… the day you met Izuku, the day you asked him out for the first time, the day he asked to be your girlfriend, the day he proposed… the day you two got married… everything.

“Izuku… he cheated on me…”

It was silent after that, the buzz of the air conditioning and the beeps of the cars below the two of you filling the tense air.

“He… he what?”

You bit your bottom lip as you spoke again, “he cheated on me, with Mellissa, you remember her right? Melissa Shield? All Might’s “niece”?”

Shoto nodded his head, shifting his body to face forward as he leaned forward, using his hands to steady himself. He lifted his head to the ceiling as he fully processed your words.

“Oh… oh wow… I never thought that he would do that.”

You scoffed, flopping back into the bed, “well me neither, and yet… here we are.”

You started to laugh, laugh at this situation, laugh at here you are now. God, everything was so fucked, wasn’t it? Feeling the bed shift, you could feel Shoto lay down on the bed beside you. He wrapped his arms around you before pulling you into him once again, this time leaving you on his right side so you could cool down. The feeling left sighing, leaning into his touch even more.

��Izuku is an absolute idiot, and I’m glad that you’re leaving him at the first sight of disrespect.”

Coming from Todoroki and his background, those meant a lot to you. You smiled before lifting your head to look at him.

“Thanks, Shoto, that means a lot.”

He smiled, before slowly removing his hands from your waist.

“I should let you sleep, I just wanted to come to check up on you.” He bent over to grab at his umbrella before turning around to grab his raincoat.

Sniffling, you nodded your head, wiping away your tears before getting up to see him off, “thanks for coming to check up on me… even though the way you found me was a little creepy.”

—-

You officially divorced three months after that day, Izuku tried to hold out as long as he could but soon enough even the number one hero couldn't hold out that long. The number of times you had to tell him you weren't going to come back to him was astounding, his stubbornness knew no bounds. You allowed Izuku to keep the house and he was to pay you a hefty amount of alimony along with the money he was to pay you for spousal distress.

When news came out that the number one hero and his wife would be divorcing, the media went into a frenzy. Even bigger than the one about your wedding. You had to rely on your family to help you out until the news and paparazzi left you alone. It was even worse on Deku, being the top hero and not even able to save his marriage? Talk about a blow to his reputation, it almost cost him the #1 spot. If it wasn't for the Incident at the Kasona Mall, where a villain decided to blow up a mall, where he saved over 50 people in one swoop, Bakugo would have finally been able to claim that #1 spot.

Speaking of pro-heroes.

H/n is back on the scene! Officially signing with The Todoroki Agency!!

You were a pro-hero again, stepping back into the spotlight after over six years. After not much deliberation, and encouragement from friends alike, you decided to come out of retirement once more. You had to retake the licensing process and test of course, but you passed with ease. Being a hero was almost like riding a bike, it was ingrained within you. After The Hero Commission reinstated you, you got so many offers. From Fatgum to LeMillion, and Gang Orca. However, you already promised a certain person that you would join up with him.

“You sure you want me Shoto?” You were sitting in his penthouse, visiting him after he got hurt in the Incident at Kasona mall.

The two of you had gotten closer ever since that day he found you in your hotel room. He helped you get back on your feet, helped you pick out a new house to live in, (since you left the house to Izuku), and helped you study to retake the test. He nodded, shifting his position on his couch. The movement however, caused him to wince as he had to move his arm, which slung into a cast. You immediately got up and helped him move into a more comfortable position without straining himself. He thanked you for the help as you sat back down, grabbing your glass of wine.

“Yeah, you were an amazing hero when you were active years ago. I know this is a decision I’ll lose no sleep over.”

You chuckled, sipping on the wine he put out for the two of you. He smiled softly at you, his intense stare causing your body to heat up slightly, or that could be from the alcohol, you honestly didn't know. You licked your lips, shifting your legs to help lessen that heated throb between your thighs.

“Alright, I guess I’m joining your agency.”

You grew out of your old outfit, so with the help of Hatsume and other designers, you got a whole new outfit. Instead of the original leotard/bodysuit you had when you were younger, along with the thigh boots, it all connected into all one large jumpsuit. It was black with purple accents adorning all across the outfit along with a brand new cape. You turned around, summoning clouds to lift you as you twirled around. Hatsume, the designer who made your new hero costume, Hokkaido, and Mina, who you also told about the true reason you and Izuku got divorced, all smiled as you felt out your new outfit.

“Well?” Mina asked, smiling as you landed on your feet.

You turned around, trailing your hands down your body, feeling the aft fabric and metal accents clash together on your body before smiling at yourself in the mirror.

“I love it.”

Your office was on the same floor as Shoto’s, him constantly relying on your knowledge and wisdom on other matters. The two of you were the leaders in the recent missions the two of you had taken together. This whole process was a lot like riding a bike, coming back easily. You had missed this, you had missed this so much, and you could tell the world and missed you too.

The media accepted your return with open arms, jumping right back to the top 20s. You were a very powerful hero after all.

After three months of coming back, making it six months since your divorce, your parents decided to throw a party for you. To celebrate you coming back, and ranking high on the Billboard Chart in so little time. You tried to get yourself out of it but they took no excuses. So you decided to make the most of it, you felt like a whole new woman. Placing your braids in a bun, you wore a strapless black velvet dress with matching long-sleeved gloves. You slipped on some ankle-strap, black stilettos, and pearl jewelry set to complete the look. The party was small but it was filled with life, all of your old classmates and even your old co-workers from your old agency even came. Mina, Jirou, Tsu, and even Yaomomo, as busy as she is, came. Kirishima even got Bakugou to come. Everyone was so excited to see you come out of retirement and take to the streets again. Some did try to pry into your broken relationship with Izuku, but you just ignored them and told them to enjoy themselves at the party.

“Y/n.”

You turned around to see Shoto standing there with two champagne flutes in his hands. You smiled and walked up to him, hands extended out for a hug. He wrapped his arms around the best he could with the two drinks in his hands. You giggled at his struggle as he tried to step back without spilling the drinks.

“I see your hands are full, Boss.” You winked as you took one of the flutes of champagne out of his hands.

He just chuckled as you guys cheered, clinking your glasses together before taking a sip. As the sweet liquid hit your tongue, your eyes trailed down his body at the suit he was wearing. All black suit with the jacket, with a white dress shirt, red tie and tailored to perfection. You licked your lips as he breathed in, seeing his chest press up against the white fabric. Clearing your throat, you pulled your eyes away from his chest as you looked up at him finishing his drink. You smiled at him and he returned it as he placed the glasses on an empty table.

“You seem so much happier.” You heard Shoto comment behind you.

You turned to face him and couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

Shoto walked up to you, the proximity between you two making your heart pound this a little faster. He leaned down, using his right hand to make you look in his eyes.

“When you first announced your retirement, and when I saw you after that… I do not doubt that you were happy but…” he trailed, his grip on your chin tightening slightly.

“But… but what?” You let out a whisper, feeling his thumb softly move against your skin.

“There was still this sadness in your eyes, that I could never pinpoint but now… I can’t see it at all.” He let go of you after that, taking a couple of steps back.

You took another deep breath, pressing a hand against your chest to feel your beating heart.

Smiling at Shoto, “thank you, that means a lot.”

The two of you continued to drink together, whether it be champagne or something stronger. The more the drinks came around you two, the two of you drank, and the more you two drank, the more handsy the two of you got. Shoto’s arms never left your waist and would find themselves trailing lower and lower down your body. You would find ways and excuses to slowly caress his face or his chest. The two of you would just get closer and closer. Luckily, most everyone around was drunk so even if they did notice, it was unlikely that they would notice. Soon enough, people began to leave, wishing you the best of luck and congratulations.

Then it was just the two of you. Shoto, despite being as drunk as you are, helped carry you to your bed upstairs. As he laid you in the bed, you reached out to him, pulling him down onto you and your bed. You giggled as he flopped on his back, allowing you to quickly straddle him.

“Y/n,” he giggled, he was more emotional, happy drunk, “Y/n why are you doing?”

You smiled, licking and biting at your lips as your hands trailed down his body. Feeling at his chest, before trailing down his abs, your hands and fingers going ever ripple and ridge on his body before landing right in the top of his pelvic area, feeling his hard-on poke out through his slacks. You hissed slowly as you began to rock into him, your dress riding up with every movement you made. Your movements caused him to whisper curses under his breath, his hips buck as he grabbed onto your waist tightly. You gripped at his shoulders as he guided you up and down his waist, his touch leaving your skin electrified, the opposite temperatures causing trembles throughout your body. You then leaned down to plant light kisses against his neck

“You’re so fucking handsome,” you whispered against his skin, your fingers fumbling with the buttons on his dress shirt.

He just smirked before flipping you on your back, using his knee to spread your legs.

——

It was a week after the party and you had just gotten back from your shift of patrol. It was early in the morning, say almost 4 am, and you were ready to go home and get some sleep. Saying goodbye to your sidekick, you walked towards your office to get some final papers before going home. As you opened the door, you could feel dull light entering your vision. So you turned and followed where it was coming from only to find yourself right outside of Shoto’s door. That’s where you could hear the argument.

“Izuku I—”

“NO— I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU, YOU’RE SLEEPING WITH MY EX-WIFE!”

“I think you’re the last person to be concerned about what she does now!”

“You’re one of my closest friends, I’ve known you the longest! And you just stab me in the back like this!?”

“I think that you should leave Izuku before I make you. What Y/n and I have, it’s none of your business.”

You could hear a slam, and hear something break before hearing heavy stomps echo throughout the room. You hoped it didn’t come to them full-on fighting, you knew Shoto could handle himself against, however, when Izuku was mad, Lord did he get mad. You hope you won't have to face him again, after all this time.

“I don’t want to hear a word you have to say!! I should have known, you’ve ALWAYS been chasing after her! Since our time at U.A!

You tilted your head at that, confused at what he meant. Shoto has been chasing after you since high school? You thought that Shoto always had a thing for Yaomomo, despite her and Jirou getting engaged recently. It was because of that, you believed Shoto had shifted his focus onto you…

“So what? I thought I left her in good hands, out of all my friends, you were the ONLY one that I thought could give her a good life. I thought you could love her and only be with her! Now I see that I couldn’t even trust you with that! So you don’t get to decide how she spends her time and who she spends it with! Not after what you did to her!”

It went quiet after that, but you could still see the heavy breathing out of both of them. You bit your lip, heart pounding as you grasped at the wall, staring to hear to see if they speak under their breath.

“What… what are you talking about?”

“She told me… she told me what you did... How you cheated on her with Melissa. Don’t give me that look, I’m not gonna tell anyone. She asked me not to, it’ll do no one any good if it got all. They’ll just hound her for months for this.”

You could feel your body begin to rock back and forth, you could feel the tension rising all the way from the place where you would stand.

“So I say again, you have no right to have any say about what she does in her own time. Even when she was married to you, she was never yours! She’s her own woman, and after being suffocated by you, she deserves to do whatever she wants. I’ll be here, no matter what, and I’ll stick by her because that’s what people who truly love someone do!”

You couldn’t help but smile at his words, you could feel tears swell in your waterline. Taking a deep breath, you stood up slowly, brushing off any dirt or dust collected on your lap before walking towards the door. You gave a knock on the door, before slowly turning the doorknob to reveal a trashed office. Plants turning upside down, smaller tables flipped around, and books spread all across the floor. Your eyes then landed on the two of them, standing behind the bigger office desk. Izuku was holding Shoto by his shirt, and the two of them had intense looks on their faces. You took another deep breath, seeing the way Izuku looks after so long. He grew out his beard, despite him hating it so much. His already scruffy, curly hair grew even more unruly. His eyes turned towards you, the shock after seeing you so long causing him to lose his grip on Shoto.

“Y/n…”

You closed your eyes and rolled your neck before closing the door behind you.

“Shoto is correct, what I do with my time is absolutely none of your business Izuku. We’re done, we’ve been done for six months. If I’m going, to be honest, we’ve been done for a year… since you had an affair with Melissa for six months as well,” you stated, slowly walking up towards the two of them.

“So what I do with him, what I do with anyone… is no longer your business. Now get out!”

Izuku stood there, shocked at your words, slowly turning his body to face you.

“Y/n I…” You made a motion with your hands, quieting him.

“Izuku Midoriya, get out now!”

He jumped back, before turning back to Shoto, giving him one last glare before walking past you towards the door. You kept your back towards him, and the door as well, as he opened it before walking out, shutting it behind him. With that, you then turned to the last man standing in the room. You gave him a soft smile, slowly shaking your head as you amble across to him. You placed your hands on his biceps as he wrapped his arms around your waist. He smiled down at you, before leaning in for a soft kiss. You chuckled and smiled into the kiss, tightening your grip on his arms. You could feel the grip you had on you tighten with every second of the kiss. Once you let go, you slowly reached up to caress the side of his face with the scar with your hand.

“You look stressed… is it because of your day? Or because of the walking trash that just walked out?”

He chuckled softly at your words, shaking his head. You smiled as you walked towards his desk, moving some of the papers off before sitting on top of his desk. Shoto gave you an up and down glance, before walking towards you and standing in between your legs.

“So… why was Izuku here?” You asked him, rubbing at his shoulders and arms.

Shoto took a deep breath before leaning forward and laying his head on top of your shoulders.

“He came up here, accusing me of different things. I never found out he found out that the two of us were seeing each other… I was more focused on other things…”

Izuku was always so stubborn, that could be a good or bad thing depending on who side you were on. You sighed, nodding your head as you wrapped your arms around him.

“Let’s go to your place? I’m really tired and I honestly just want to get as much sleep as I can.”

You could feel Shoto smile into your shoulder, before nodding. You were about to push him off of you, so you could both get what you need and walk out together, a sudden force whooshed you off your feet, arms grabbing at you and carrying you in a bridal position.

“Shoto!” You squealed, holding on to his shoulders.

He just softly chuckled once more, as he carried you out of the office, nothing but smiles on the two of you’s faces.

___

Taglist: @tremendouswolfsaladranch @simi0603 @tanakasprayer @kirishimaisthatbitch @theadorkablezaza @katemocha @pineapplejuic3 @kehlaniwwe @honeylavender13 @p102ab @maybeisthemoon @dark-yuh @introvertatitsfinest @lazymooneye @yzviea @fan-girling-over-everything @@chscklvr @dragonsdreamoffire @superheros-and-others @gabbygibbsgirl

[3desiderium3]

For your love

chapter seven - I'll do whatever you want

[ series masterlist ]

previous chapter | next chapter

pairings : reader x damiano david

story summary : damiano and reader are in very loving relationship that sometimes almost too quickly becomes too toxic for anyone likings

chapter warning (s) : this is sad af i made myself sad once again , some strong language and violent behavior , mentions of alcoholism , suicide and depression

song recommendation - for your love

pov : 3 years ago

" I don't like him Y/N ! That guy just doesn't sit right with me ! " Y/N rolled her eyes at her boyfriend Michael . They had this heated argument that lasted for over an hour , because Y/N was going out with Thomas and Damiano .

Well .. Only Damiano ..

It was very clear to her that her boyfriend disliked that brown eyed god .

Y/N met Damiano through Thomas , her best male friend , maybe 2 weeks ago . But those 2 weeks ago seemed so far and so unreal .

She sometimes regretted not paying more attention to him that night .

Thomas and Damiano where driving around in Damiano's car while Y/N and Michael needed a ride to one party .

Back in those times Y/N was so in love with her boyfriend . She thought she was going to marry him . Be the mother of his kids .

At first Damiano seemed like an average person to her . She only saw him as potential band mate of her best friend . She was looking at him like she would any other acquaintance .

That night when they met felt like any other . She didn't felt sparks , she didn't felt butterflies nor did she noticed he wanted to flirt with her or something . The atmosphere was normal .

' I wanna be the first man you look at tonight

I wanna be stuck in your head and make you go wild '

The next time she hanged with him was at his house , along with Thomas of course . And even then she felt nothing towards him . No attraction . She was happy to have another male friend that is all . He was smart , charismatic , very interesting person to listen , he had a lot of interesting stories to share .

They weren't in touch . No texting or calls . The only time they hanged out was when Thomas arranged something . But soon that changed .

It was unplanned . Thomas couldn't hang , Michael was out of town and Y/N was bored .

So she simply texted him and they went out driving for hours in his car , playing music , laughing and having fun .

A lot of fun .

Basically that is how they started hanging out without Thomas . No one saw problem in it .

' I wanna drive you 'til the morning light and I wanna leave you alone in the middle of the night '

Damiano wasn't showing up any sort of deeper interest in her . He was very casual , calm and friendly . Y/N once told Thomas that she was glad that she met the person who is interested in her beyond just fucking her .

But boy she was wrong .

Maybe not the very first night he met her but after a while of going out Damiano became obsessed with Y/N .

He wanted to know everything about her , get in her head , under her skin . Just like she did to him . Suddenly they started hanging out alone every fucking day .

He had a thick notebook overfilled with drawings , portraits and sketches of her and her body , her hands , her eyes . .

He wrote songs for her . Poems . Songs splattered with his lust and desire all over their pages . ( just like he wrote for your love . )

It was driving Y/N's boyfriend crazy .

He started argues often and he was getting more and more possessive and scared for his relationship each day .

" I don't trust him Y/N . " She wished she listened to him on time . . .

Things where happening almost too fast , Y/N tried reassuring herself that what they are doing is not wrong .

I mean she cuddled with Thomas almost every day and he was also clingy . It was basically the same thing with Damiano . Right ?

Unlike her Damiano knew exactly what was going on . And in what direction it was heading . He wanted her . He craved for her . But only for pleasure .

' I wanna be a good man and see you smile

And I wanna swim between your thighs I wanna fuck you till you scream and cry . '

At first his only intention was to sleep with her but not even in a billion years he could imagine how deep in his mind she would be .

He had a tactic . Simply make everything appear natural , say a few comforting words to her , tell her something about how special she is , get what you want and try slowly to get out of that situation between the two of you before she realizes something . It worked every time .

Until this one .

They where slowly growing closer together . They spent an entire month cuddling , hanging out , playing with each others hair , driving , singing and making a strong bond .

" His intentions are not clear I can feel it ! " " Well I can't ! He wants nothing more than to be friends with me ! What do you want from me Michael ? To stop seeing my friend ? " " No . That is not what I am asking from you . But I expect you to know that it is bothering me and you stop . "

That is how any conversation between Y/N and Michael went . They grew cold , became strangers , one was fighting for their long lost love while the other was lost in the grip of the heartless lover .

Y/N started being depressed again . She became so limb and so distant from everyone .

Her state only increasing the fights between Michael and her . Damiano was not like it . .

He understood her . . .

The day he kissed her for the first time was December the third .

On that very same day he slept with her too . On that very same day she cheated on Michael .

It was weird . Y/N almost regretted it .

She coudln't describe how it was . She only remembers the rain outside pouring on that cold day . How the only light in that dark , black and Prussian blue room came from the muted TV . The room was warm . It was smelling so much like Damiano . It was sweet smell .

He was sitting on the edge of the bed , hugging Y/N by her waist . Both of them in their underwear . His head on her stomach as she was carassing his hair . His hands where rough , yet loving and gentle , he in fact was rough on a very gentle way . He made love to her like a man .

Every each time was better . The more they talked and discussed about their likings . Creating memories before or after being intimate .

' I wanna hold you in my arms tonight

For your love I'll do whatever you want . '

Ten days later Y/N broke up with Michael .

With an excuse that she was not completely ready to devote herself to them .

Instead she was laying in Damiano's sweaty arms , who held her close as she was gently caressing his chest and biceps . He talked so sweet . So interesting . So mysterious . So deep . Like he held all the answers to all her questions . He was amusing her .

Days slowly turned into a month . A whole month of disaster . Michael was right .

Damiano is bad news .

" Come here , let me hold you . "

He spoke those words in raspy voice after each time they had sex .

" Amore . . Amore "

' For your love I'll do whatever you want

I'll do whatever you want, for your love . '

Damiano always had time for her . At any time of the day .

Often even leaving his friends to go and see her .

Back then Y/N didn't understood this but the only bond she thought she had with him . .

Was just sex .

Nothing more . Pure sex .

All those memories they made , like looking at his childhood pictures , visiting his villa on the north of the Italy , going out to other cities etc ..

Those memories existed only before or after they've been intimate .

Damiano started to feel something . Something deeper than just desire for lust .

But unlike Y/N who also felt it he was scared of it . He didn't want it . He didn't want to admit it .

He was slowly falling in love . But for whatever selfish reason that he had , he couldn't be with her at that time .

He started to think about her every day , every night . Every second he had in those 24 hours .

" You ruined my life you fucking idiot . Look what you've done to me . You ruined me . "

He would say in joking tone to her . Only making her laugh and roll her eyes but he was so far from joking .

He simply got scared of his feelings .

She was not like other girls he had . And it was not some made up quiche move , it was truth .

She wasn't selfish .

She gave her whole being to him . Blindly .

Thinking he would do the same .

But no .

One day , he just started growing cold . It was a slow and painful process but Y/N felt it . She felt that winter . He always had an excuse for his behavior .

No one knew about their little special relationship . Y/N was left alone to think about everything that has happened between them so many sleepless nights .

' So baby why don't you please me now

I've got so much I can give to you . '

" I simply can't continue this tempo . This is something that became a mental gymnastic to me . This . Us . Our relationship . You happened to me when I was an emotional disaster . However you are a very dear to me . You mean a lot to me and I don't wanna lose you . I wanna continue hanging with you but we must not sleep with each other more . "

" Why are you feeling like this Damiano ? Our relationship is not that complicated . "

" Well to be honest Y/N we don't have a relationship . "

" Then why are you finding all this so stressful ?"

And so one day .

He just left .

He disappeared .

Stopped answering her calls , responding to her messages . Gone .

Y/N was desperate . Under the hard influence of alcohol and self harm again . Feeling like she was trapped in a slow motion movie .

Nothing was clear . Nothing was okay .

Why he left and where he was ?

' For your love I'll do whatever you want

I'll do whatever you want, for your love . '

She had no one to talk to but Thomas .

She came to his house one night .

It was January . It was cold . She was bleeding from all the wounds her heart tried to stich .

Sobbing she knocked on his door .

Three hours later she was in his hoodie , tightly wrapped in his embrace with puffed eyes and trembling lips . He was kissing her temple from time to time . Ice cream boxes beside the bed and her favorite movie in the background .

On his bed there was a mess made of used white tissues .

" Sometimes when people are scared they leave . " Thomas said . " Why ? " " It is easier . "

She had a sleepover at his house that night .

She hardly feel asleep . Feeling a bit better after finally opening up to someone .

Thomas was burning in rage . He was mad at both of them . More on Damiano tho , it took him a short amount of time to realize she was just being used .

January slowly ended .

And Damiano was back in town .

Y/N was starting to get over him and the fact she was feeling on her skin her mothers words.

' All boys are the same they only want to use you .'

She was getting ready go go out and hang with her friend . When suddenly on her phone screen appeared long time not seen notification .

'ykaaar sent you a message : Hey can you hang ? '

She dropped her phone on the sink .

Feeling mixed emotions of anger , sadness and excitement .

And in not less than 10 minutes she canceled her friend and she was already in his car waiting for answers .

' So tell me what you want, I'll give you what you want baby . '

" I was confused . And scared . You are the first woman that made me feel like this . I still mean it when I say I want you in my life . I just needed some alone time to clear my head and think . And I had plenty of time and space to do it . "

He took her palm in his hands kissed it and brought it close to his face . She was breathing hard . Was this really all she was waiting all this time ?

" I wanna be with you Y/N . I wanna commit to you . But I can't . I am not sure I am ready . I don't want to fail you . . What do you want from me Y/N . Why do you care for me so much ? "

" Damiano .. You are in my life with a purpose . For a certain reason . I won't let you go . I won't let you leave me . You mean to me so much as a person and even beyond that words can describe . Too much emotions , time and energy is spared on you than it was supposed to be ."

They sat in that car for hours . Talking . Crying even a bit . But at the end of the night they where in peace . In love .

January ended . February almost passed .

Winter was sharp and cruel .

' Tell me what you want, I'll give you what you want baby

Tell me what you want, I'll give you what you want baby . '

But despite that Damiano and Y/N went against it . They started dating officially . In private first few weeks .

Måneskin was having a rehearsal . They took that as an good opportunity to announce everyone the good news .

" I can't belive this . Y/N you are so fucking dumb ! " Thomas shouted at them .

The studio was silent . Ethan had his eyes wide open from shock . Victoria was sitting with her hands in her lap looking at the ground .

" What is your problem Thomas ! I thought you where going to be happy cause of me ! "

" And why would I be ?! What is it so good that you did to make me happy ?! You hooked up with him after everything ! After all those crying sleepless nights , all those public panic or anxiety attacks you had , all that alcohol that you drank !While he was out fucking some girl and not giving shit about you ! "

" Thomas that is en- " " Don't interrupt me ! "

He picked up his jacket and back pack .

" I was there for you then . And just then . But now when I see that you are repeating the same fucking mistake I am not so sure I would be there for you the next time . Don't come to my place crying how he hurt you cause we all know he would . "

He left the studio dramatically leaving everyone silent . Barely 3 minutes passed and he was storming back in inside .

" Oh yeah and another thing Damiano . You might be a good singer but that does not mean we are going to tolerate you just for that . I created Måneskin with Vic and I have every right to either kick you out or leave myself . "

He lighted a cigarette . " I do not want lying manipulators in my surrounding . "

Many years later after that day Y/N regretted being mad at her friend for taking that silly thing so personal . But her friend saw beyond every border she could ever see .

Thomas knew Damiano very well .

And he knew he was no good news .

' Because baby for your love I'll do whatever you want

For your love I'll do whatever you want I'll do whatever you want, for your love . '

A/N i wanna write a chapter based on a song i wanna f*cking tear you apart by she wants revenge . give me ideas about what i should write in that chapter along with the song .

taglist : @ella-nordstrm3 , @urskaa , @lovelysaltyland , @littleachaos , @whoreforhenrycavill , @13journals , @onceuponparrilla , @21nell , @davedace101 , @vainbimbo , @aliyeaz , @vandafabryova , @miriampraez , @foggyhottubcrusade , @daringovangel , @inr89 , @fanfictioncafe , @mrsllshhb , @over-themoon ,@theclavvofaraven , @annika0-o , @thxtsclxssified , @goddessofthem0on , @ellabeth , @vandafabryova , @boredvick , @paulasdodo, @damianoaf , @angeliquekalampoka , @coffee-and-blueberries , @yellowflickervic , @thatweirdesichick , @wildxxwolf , @mentally-dating-rosa-diaz , @moriro-da-regina , @scruffiejelly ,@lara-sky , @tryymebitch , @yourchicken10 , @thxtsclxssified , @klotsoskoufi , @l0standn0tf0und , @olivera-gajic

[notnctu]

when the snow falls | j.jh

jung jaehyun x reader genre - angst first, fluff later details - childhood best friends!au, ghost!au, platonic relationship, genderneutral!reader, ft. boyfriend johnny warnings - grieving/mourning, mentions of death, lots of crying, explicit language (swearing) word count - 8.3k inspiration - A Christmas Carol synopsis - Jaehyun visits you every holiday season since his death to bring you out of your self isolation and hatred for the one season you both once loved.

a/n - this is for my first collab ever: a taste of winter collab hosted by @dearyongs​​​ & @pastelsicheng​​​ ! again, thank you for letting me participate and i hope this fic brings more warmth for everyone during the winter!! happy holidays everyone & i hope you can check out the rest of the fics in the collab as i will be, they’re written by such amazing writers! :)))

An iridescent frost covers the tall windows of the apartment and a bright white sky greets you this morning. The fallen sheets expose your bare shoulders to the bitter crisp cold air and goosebumps rise to remind you to wear a fucking sweater for once. However, the cold isn’t what bothers you this horrid day as you’re leaping out of bed to glance out at the world. It’s the first thing that you lay eyes on: it covers the streets, it’s falling from the blanket of grey sky, it’s others’ joy when it’s your trauma. What Mother Nature has brought upon this winter season, as she always does this time of the year, is snow. 

The first sign of snowfall marks the first day of your self isolation period until the holidays pass. It marks the anniversary of your best friend’s death and an agonizingly long winter, but in spite of that, it also means the appearance of a rather special guest. A guest that is only visible to you and though resembles much of your passed friend, does not share the same memories as you do. 

“The snow is just so comforting, isn’t it?” Though you live alone, a sudden voice erupts from behind you and has you turning rather quickly to face the truth of this season. Your greatest treasure, yet haunting demise. “Hello, y/n. How has your year been?” Jaehyun stands with a lean at your door frame, his arms crossed at his chest and hair full of fluff. 

“Hello, Jaehyun’s spirit. I happen to hate the snow, if you have forgotten.” Your hip presses against the cold glass and you’re no longer afraid of being half naked in front of what this form of imagination possesses itself to be. 

“Remind me why again.” Jaehyun casually sits on your unmade bed, looking as about your age now. There is a brief silence as you examine how he’s grown with you, you’d imagine this is how he’d look if he was still alive and well.

It would be his third year in college, same as you, possibly studying engineering due to his past fascination with the mechanics of roller coasters. With such a strong jawline and a definite lean built, girls would be running all over him. Not to mention, his dimples remain one of his charms.

Kicking off the icy window, you walk carefully and slowly up to Jaehyun. A hand reaches to caress his cheek, but it goes right through him and leaves your hand to hang in mid-air. This happens every time you see him again, wondering if you can get one last touch of his dewy complexion, and you simply can’t. Despite his ability to touch you, there is no possibility for your senses to travel through to the other side of the supernatural dimension. 

Jaehyun gently rests your hand back to your side and repeats his request, “remind me again why you hate the snow.”

“It’s how you died.” A small croak gets caught in the back of your throat and tears well up to blur your vision. “So when the snow falls, it brings me back to the dreadful memory of me losing you, of you leaving me.” 

“I died from snow? That is so lame.” Jaehyun grumbles and rolls his eyes. 

You chuckle, but the tears roll down your cheeks as if they know no happiness. “You died from a car accident in the snow. Your tires slid, you couldn’t brake … and so, you crashed. Full trauma to the head, an instant death.” 

“Where was I going?” He wasn’t this curious last winter, and so you’re unaware if it’s your mind playing sick tricks on you or if his unrest spirit is this forgetful. You wish it was the latter. 

Choking on your tears, the droplets hit the hardwood floors below you. An overwhelming feeling of melancholy overtakes your chest and you’re suffocating underneath an unknown pressure. Your throat is drier than your mother’s gingerbread cookies, but you swallow the frigid air around you. 

You’re so choked up by your sobbing that it’s too difficult to speak. Any words you say feel like thin ice, ready to crack at the lightest touch. “O-On the way to … my house. You were coming over to tell me a secret.”

“And I never got to tell you.” 

“No, Jaehyun. I’ll never know what you wanted to tell me that day.” 

when the snow falls. 

There has never been a time before Jaehyun and all that you knew, all the memories that fill your brain, every growing pain you could possibly share, was with him and all until it wasn’t. Had there been a time after Jaehyun, you would not have expected it to come as soon as it did.

For the months following his death, you were in denial of his missing presence because every. single. thing. reminded you of him. Jaehyun remained in his assigned seat in school, although it was clearly empty. He lived through others’ mourning stories, where they spoke of fond memories that they shared and things he liked. The worst of them all, you still texted him every day in hopes to see the tiny three dots pop up that he was typing. And the warped reality in your head, the first stage of grief flooding every possible corner, was that he has always just been slow at replying back.

Then, his funeral rolled around and his parents asked you to share one happy memory of him. There were so many, how could you possibly have chosen just one? And so you didn’t. The moment the frame of the church entered your view, your legs stuck to the ground and refused to enter. There was going to be a point when you entered the building filled with crying people and a gripping, horrid smell of death and you wouldn’t be able to forget it. That scary thought, not only frightened you, but angered you. 

The large attendance of people walked past you as teary eyes blinked up at the dark wooden frame of the door, but every one of them had never visited him for more than once when he was alive. His older cousins that had forgotten about him when they flew away for college, his acquaintances from piano lessons who never bothered to remember his full name, his old friends from primary school that he had lost connection with after graduation, they were all here.

And you can’t help, but fester a fueling frustration in the pit of your stomach and as it grew into your chest in the matter of seconds, you wondered the single thought that picked up your feet to run home: where were they when he was alive? 

After a year and the appearance of Jaehyun’s ghost became less of a shock during winter, you were stuck in an odd and uneasy place of what if’s. Talking to him once a year was never enough, texting his old number was never enough. It was just never enough.

Missing him grew into a dark sense of yearning, longing, bargaining. Long nights of twisting and tossing in your bed, many thoughts and endless possibilities ran through your unhealthy thoughts. The description and police report of his accident played like a reel in darkest contemplations. 

The first year of college had to be the hardest to go through without him and thus, aiding in your regrets of not cherishing him enough when he was around. A rabbit hole of universe paths drove you wild, wishing and hoping that you could turn back time and stop him from coming over in the middle of a blizzard. And the one lasting thought still haunts you to your present: if only you hadn’t encouraged him that night, he wouldn’t have died. 

The saddest part has barely been acknowledged, even by yourself. That this one tragedy tainted the one holiday you two loved the most --- Christmas. Every year since his passing, you locked yourself in your room for two weeks before the holiday and waited through it all. Truthfully, there was nothing in the universe that was going to allow you to enjoy the holiday when it wasn’t with him. Even his ghost, who very randomly popped up on a December day and cluelessly never brings much comfort as the live him did during this season.

Jolly holiday music lost their joyous sound and became awfully low tempo. The bright red and green signature colors of Christmas became dull and rather grey; the long strings of colorful lights that hang from houses and around large trees were absolutely drained of their color. The warmth of the fireplace went cold. The cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies no longer entertained and lost their spark.

The Christmas themed decorations that covered the windows of shops, the city, your own house, became an overwhelming sore sight to look at. The love from your loved ones… you couldn’t feel anything remotely close to love anymore, just meaningless affection. The one gift that the Earth blessed your region with, snow, became the one petrifying thing that it had to offer. And your favoritism for the holiday, the so-called ‘Christmas Spirit’, slowly died out, along with Jaehyun. 

Now that it’s been three years since his passing, you’re here spending your third lonely holiday season inside your apartment discussing your yearly recap with your ghostly best friend. 

“That ridiculous final exam lowered my grade and I walked out of that class retaining none of the information. When will I ever need to know about pirates in the 1800’s?” The chocolate wrapper crinkles in your fist as you finish your overly passionate recollection of the most useless class you could have taken this whole year.

Jaehyun sits by your side, facing you as he hugs his knees close to his chest. A small grin dots the dimple on his left cheek when you peer over at the huddled boy and the sad reminiscent glisten in your eye does not go unnoticed. “You used to love pirates. Dressed up like one for Halloween and went up to every house yelling,” Jaehyun clears his throat and perks up, ready to perform.

A balled fist in the air, paired with a look of utter gusto and passion, Jaehyun speaks in an attempt to horribly reenact your once embarrassing pirate impression. “Argh! You scoundrel, give me all the treasures in your possession… preferably chocolate sweets.” He holds his stomach as he bursts into a fit of his baritone laughter. His wide mouth grows into such a big, open smile that his eyelashes dance on his glowing cheeks. 

“For a ghost, you sure look like someone who’s very much alive.” Naturally, you’d swat lightly at his knee or arm whenever he would joke around. However, the pain of your hand passing right through him breaks this habit and you’re left scoffing at the way Jaehyun is consumed with laughter.

“You know, for someone who is alive… you sure look a bit … lifeless. When was the last time you were happy, y/n?” Jaehyun finally settles down and gently nudges at your elbow. 

His question hits you like a wall of bricks. Unexpected and completely straightforward, but that’s just always been the way he is. “This past weekend when I turned in my last assignment for the semester.” 

“No. The last time you were genuinely happy, not relieved. You mentioned a boyfriend, right?” 

Rolling your eyes, you grow a bit silent and annoyed at his comment. “Listen, hopeless romantic. Not every relationship is perfect sunrays and gushy unconditional love.” Perhaps, your gaze drops down to your hands and the wrinkled wrapper between your fingers has worn out from your fidgeting. 

Johnny Suh. If you could move mountains for this man, you would. It all started due to an accidental happenstance of you abruptly walking into your campus’ coffee shop to seek shelter from the rain and him, the attractive barista behind the counter, chasing after you in a stained apron and an immensely strong aroma of coffee beans. Jaehyun practically swooned over hearing how you two met, hearts in his pupils and a dreamy grin resting fondly as he attentively listened. 

Jaehyun has always wanted a relationship, though he did have many admirers in high school, he never had the opportunity to experience one true love and to play out every sappy romantic thing rom-coms taught him. Hearing about your love life is the closest thing he can get to it, unfortunate for him, but fortunate that his best friend still has some romance in them.

Nevertheless, it’s only been a few months together. Though Johnny has seen intimate parts of you, he’s never experienced a winter with you and frankly, he won’t ever experience one with you if you keep this up. 

“Johnny doesn’t make you happy, then why are you with him?” Jaehyun knows Johnny makes you feel something that is hard for you to put into words. He also knows the type of person you are, pushing your buttons to get you to defend something you love. Boldly. Loudly. Strongly. He knows how to get you to spit out words of truth, even when they’re difficult.

“My partner is the literal definition of happiness, okay?” The defensiveness drives your assertiveness further. “The last time I was happy was when…” your eyes are frantically examining the floor for any source of focus as a highlight reel of this whole year flashes through your mind.

“... On my birthday, he planned me a picnic. Bought me roses, the whole grand scheme of romance. I started to cry, out of happiness… it was the first time in a while that the reason behind my tears was something good.” There’s somewhat of an epiphany when you finish your sentence. Your voice gets lost in your train of thought as the blissful scene plays out. 

“Why were you crying?” Jaehyun snatches the distracting wrapper from your fingers, it being unrecognizable from the wear and tear. It causes you to meet Jaehyun’s round eyes: empty, but not sad. They’re lost, yet filled with purpose.

Jaehyun has always been able to open up the darkest parts of your heart. “Because it reminded me of the time when you and I walked up that steep hill over on Fifth Street… and we forgot the picnic blanket. But it didn’t matter because after the strenuous journey, all we wanted was to sit down and enjoy some fucking sandwiches, along with some hot chocolate your mom packed us.” 

“y/n, you cried over the memory of sandwiches and exercise? That’s so---”

“Before you insult me by calling me lame,” you bring your finger to stop him mid-way and narrow your eyes, “I was so happy to be able to share our same experience with someone else. Even though you’re gone, I can still have these happy moments with other people.” 

Then, Jaehyun gathers both of your hands to hold and brings them to his soft lips. Everything about him feels cold, like a harsh chill that bites at your skin. In spite of it all, his delicate kiss on your knuckles somehow feel warm and slightly comforting. Jaehyun peers up with kind eyes, “you’re almost there. I will do everything I can to get you there.” 

Blinking at him with confusion, your expression asks the questions for you. When he sets your hands in his lap, a soft pat on the back of your hand reassures you. “Can we bake Christmas cookies?” 

Rolling your eyes, you tear your hands away from him. He leaves you with unspoken words and an oddly comforting feeling, but it’s not enough to dissipate your deeply rooted dislike for this particular holiday. “You ask this every year.” Getting up, you walk towards your bedroom to get away from feeling too vulnerable.

Jaehyun watches your back intently as you’re stumbling over your feet. He whispers to himself, “and I think this year is going to be the last year I’ll ask for it.” And a hopeful smile appears joyously as he anticipates the storm before reaching still waters. 

The sound of the doorbell awakens you and Jaehyun is nowhere to be seen. He comes and goes as he wishes, however, he’d usually accompany you during the mornings. You’re particularly sluggish, finding it difficult to adjust to the blinding white sky outside as snow continues to drift upon the city. 

“Good morning, gumdrop.” Your boyfriend is rather chirpy today. Johnny engulfs your fragile body in his long arms and you’re lost in his scent of peppermint bark. 

“This was unexpected.” His shirt muffles your tiny voice and Johnny is setting down bags of groceries on your kitchen countertop. 

“I texted you last night that I was coming over to do some grocery shopping for you. Did you sleep early?” Your very helpful boyfriend starts unloading all the parcels of fresh produce and your favorite snacks. However, there is a slight tinge of annoyance and possibly it’s due to the fact you weren’t expecting to see anyone during your isolation. Johnny couldn’t have known though.

A deep sigh escapes your lips and you walk over to stop his movements. A hand holds his arm and the other intertwines with his own, but you stand under him with the sweetest smile you could wear during the holiday season. “How is it that your mom invited me to your family holiday party, but tells me that you’re not going to be there?” 

Your smile automatically falls from your lips and a hand retracts from his warmth. It’s the sudden truth that you must face, the confession of your sadness that you’ll eventually need to tell your partner. Wondering how he’s going to take the news, your mom probably gave him a brief breakdown about how you’ve been this way for the past few years now. 

Nonetheless, Johnny has always been bold with his statements and though you’ve adjusted to his abruptness, this one is hard to give a quick answer back to. So as you’re racking how to present your dark narrative, Johnny sets you down on the couch with the utmost gentleness. You don’t even feel the cushion underneath you when the million different answers streamline their way into your brain.

Johnny notices your frantic eyes and unfocused gaze, growing a bit concerned at how cold your skin feels at his touch. Taking off his sweatshirt, he carefully slips it over your shaking figure. When the softness of the polyester cotton blend brushes upon your bare arms, you’re snapped back facing a worried expression.

And you say the one thing on your mind, the only thing you can think of in your scattered brain. “Jaehyun died during this time of year, so it just makes me very emotionally unstable to… participate in any festive events. I’d rather be alone, the whole holiday season.” 

Johnny nods, but his face remains with his eyebrows together and lips pressed into a tight line. He’s well aware of who Jaehyun was and means to you. Though you don’t talk much about him, your eyes light up with a bright twinkle whenever you do. It’s like the world spins ‘round and everything feels restored. Johnny knows enough about your good friend to deduct how hard it must be for you during the winters. 

“Can I help you in any way?” Johnny peers over at you with a small smile, and you wish there is something in your decaying heart to keep it up forever. 

“I hate to say it, but please just leave me alone for the winter.” Flopping on his lap, you’re burying your face in your hands to cower away from seeing your sunshine hurt. There are no more sugar coated kind words for you to pick and choose from.

While Johnny can understand how difficult it must be for you, he still holds onto a sliver of hope that you’ll come around. “Come on, don’t be such a Grinch. No one should be alone for Christmas.” 

Groaning, you sit up and roll your eyes at the familiar references. “Listen, Cindy Lou Who. Don’t call me that.”

“It’s still a cute nickname, you don’t think?” Johnny snickers lightly, but your expression turns rather grim and serious. A faint overcast of melancholy washes over your expression as you’re staring off into your memories again.

In a faint voice, your voice is barely above a whisper, “that used to be one of Jaehyun’s favorite movies.” Your arms drop from your puffed up chest, but Johnny catches your hand and kisses your fingertips.

“What was yours?” Johnny keeps the atmosphere as light and playful while he still can. 

“The Nightmare Before Christmas.” Ironically fitting and that’s one of the sole reasons you don’t watch holiday movies anymore. There have been too many parallels with your life and the wrenched holiday. As twisted as the joke may seem, you’ve lived your own nightmare before Christmas, except you never got the happy ending to it all. It’s like a nightmare that continues and you can’t escape it. 

Having said, Johnny pulls you up to stand and draws you into the biggest hug. “I can’t leave you alone, even if I tried my very best. I still get butterflies every time you smile at me, so you think I wouldn’t be addicted to that feeling?” 

“Johnny…” This man is in love with you until the ends of this Earth, until the horizon stretches so far that it’s unimaginable to see where it stops. 

“I’ll respect your wishes as much as I can, but know that it’s not the best form of healing.” The final word causes a chill to run down your spine. It implies that you’re still hurting, although he’s not wrong, it’s rather disheartening to hear someone else speak it aloud. “I’ll come around less.” 

“If I’m grumpy, then you’ll know why. And don’t try to shove the whole Christmas spirit act on me, I don’t want to hear a single thing about it! I can’t spend a Christmas without Jaehyun.” Johnny squeezes your shoulders at your bold declaration.

“You can’t or you won’t?” A painful tick at your heart leaves you speechless at his question. 

For as long as you could remember, every Christmas was spent with Jaehyun. Picking out a tree for both of your families and getting lost together between the evergreens brought laughter and excitement. Baking cookies and drawing the ugliest faces in tacky colorful frosting always happened a few days before the holiday. Drinking hot chocolate by his family’s fireplace and watching Christmas movies were one of your favorite activities. Christmas Eve was always so special, where you and Jaehyun made it tradition to open your gifts from each other right when the clock struck midnight. 

Then everything simply stopped. And when you tried to participate in those same activities, selfishness and guilt preoccupied your heart. What do any of those things mean without Jaehyun? Jaehyun was the reason you loved Christmas as much as you did. Then, his death became the reason you hated it as much as you do.

“I think that’s enough for today.” Johnny knows he’s hit a nerve, he can see it in your glossy eyes and subtle drop in the corners of your mouth. There is no protest from the taller man when he accepts his sweatshirt without a complaint. The bitter cold air bites at your bare shoulders again and you’re practically existing in its lack of warmth. Gathering the rest of his belongings, you two bid a kiss goodbye and shut the door.

It’s almost a relief that he’s gone and the tear runs down your cheek when your back hits the door. Suddenly, Jaehyun appears across the living room leaning on the door frame to your bedroom. “He seems like a nice guy.” 

“He is.” There is a hang at the end of your sentence and Jaehyun walks toward you. A few sniffs fill the empty apartment, but you’re rubbing away any sign of sadness from your face.

“But?” 

“But, he’s so optimistic about… everything. He lives by the sun and every waking day, he just lives it to the fullest. There’s nothing in the world for this man to possibly understand how sad I feel.” It’s the heaviness in your voice that has your heart sinking to the pit of your stomach. 

Jaehyun’s freezing hands graze your chin and as he lets go, his stare doesn’t leave yours. “Learn from him.” Your best friend’s ghastly voice reminds you that he’s not real. He’s a ghost. He’s very much gone and not for a split second, should you be wanting to cave into his embrace or else, you’ll hit the floor hard. Nevertheless, you’re entirely vulnerable and the next few words that leave Jaehyun’s mouth causes your throat to close up.

“Keep him close. y/n, he is the sun.” It’s a moment you thought you’d never witness, your best friend complimenting your significant partner. Moreover, it hurts to think about how great of friends Jaehyun and Johnny could have been. “To be very honest, you need some heat this winter.”

“Then, what were you?” It’s the curiosity that nips at your tongue as it leaves no space for a pause. The thumping of your heart being so loud in the dead silence, but you know Jaehyun doesn’t have a heart to beat recklessly as yours. 

Jaehyun smirks and chuckles fondly, despite how desperate and serious you may have sounded. “I was a pain in the ass.”

Scoffing, you break the immensely intense eye contact. “You still are. This whole haunting thing is very creepy.” Gesturing his entire being in front of you, he just looks so alive and breathing. Before Jaehyun, you always thought ghosts were floating entities with a white transparency. But your best friend stands before you, well aged and all together. 

It still tosses you into shambles as to why Jaehyun exists, but you’ve given up on figuring out his purpose. He could be a form of your own imagination for all you care, perhaps you’ve grown so sad that you started to seek things. 

Companionship from the one person you wish was still alive?

Like before, you’ve always spent Christmas with Jaehyun… alive or in ghost form.

It’s another one of those long days that seem to never end. The bright white sky seems unchanging, stark with a dusty and imminent endless overcast of snow. It’s blinding and you’re regretting the moment you overlooked the curtain blinds at the department store.  

Your phone has already been lost somewhere underneath your bed and there isn’t a single desire to reach for it. Missed calls pile up, voicemails clutter your inbox, texts flood your messages, and your social media notifications fill your screen. Despite everyone’s effort to contact you, there is no sense of joyous cordial nature to even glance at them.

Jaehyun has been appearing more frequently and staying for longer periods of time. The conversations bring an empty comfort, most of the times you feel the need to remind yourself that you’re not actually talking to someone, are you?

“What’s that sad look in your eyes?” He startles you when you’re off looking vacantly out the window. Your mind has been completely distracted lately by meaningless thoughts and the sweetest reels of Jaehyun that have turned blue.

The more you wrap yourself in your white sheets, the less you can feel any source of warmth. And perhaps you haven’t realized that you no longer felt any heat the past few days, that you’re at a freezing point and it’s made you numb.

“Not sure what you mean.” Your voice remains dull and monotone, lifeless almost. Jaehyun takes a seat against the window and for the first time, you can see right through him.

“It’s not your fault, y/n.” Is he a mind reader too? The thought that always circles your mind when Christmas draws near is not only that Jaehyun is gone forever, but how you could have prevented it all. The guilt eats you up and no matter how hard you’re searching for acceptance, it slips away from you before you have a chance.

When you don’t answer, Jaehyun heads over to your bed and he’s alarmed at how cold your hands are. “It was never your fault.” Your best friend pulls you into a hug, but it can barely be felt. What kind of hug can’t be felt?

“I never said it was.”

“No, but you thought about it.” The chilly draft causes you to shiver and it’s hard for you to concentrate on anything else besides the night of his death.

“I should have stopped you from coming over.” Although you’ve confessed this many times to him before, it never gets easier to say. Jaehyun sighs and ultimately frowns at your tears slipping from your eyes again. Like the snow that drifts from the heavens, your tears know no end to their downfall. It’s become too natural for them to appear. The closer it gets to Christmas, the harder it is to stop from crying.

“It’s hard for me to speak about it since we don’t remember much of the same moments---”

“Jaehyun! I remember that night as clear as it was just yesterday that it happened.” There’s no reason to yell, but a strong sense of pain erupts from your chest.

He’s so calm at your sudden outburst, turning his head to face you with a deadpan expression. “You weren’t there, y/n. You were home, safe and sound as you should have been. I’m more than grateful that you’re the one alive.”

“I’m not!” But when the confession leaves your lips, you’re shaking and fearful. The entire room is stiff and silent. You couldn’t even believe what you had just said, wondering if that is anything close to truth. You look up at Jaehyun, who blinks at you with furrowed eyebrows and wide eyes. “I mean,” you clear your throat in the midst of the tense atmosphere. “I could have saved you.”

“You’re not a hero and I didn’t need saving when I was already gone.” He taps his temples lightly, “full trauma to the head. It was just my time to go.”

“The secret. I wanted to know so bad that I didn’t stop you from coming in a snowstorm!” Jaehyun pats your head in an attempt to soothe your aching heart.

“And I wanted to tell you just as bad that I didn’t care about the snowstorm. y/n, stop blaming yourself for something that happened to me. The universe is much more complex than that, give it some credit.”

“You’re even philosophical as a ghost? Give me a fucking break.” Groaning, you pull the sheets over your head to somehow run away from the conversation.

Jaehyun lies down next to you, smiling cheekily to himself and glancing over at the lump that you had become underneath the blankets. “Do you remember the time I taught you how to ride a bike?”

“I thought it was your dad who taught me.” You grumble, tossing away the sheets to glance over at him. It always puzzled you how Jaehyun never remembered the same memories as you do, and even if you did, one of you remembered it differently.

“He was probably there as supervision. I was the one who helped you take off your training wheels and strap on your impressively thick knee pads.” You’re lying on your elbows now, fists pressing into your cheeks and a fond attentive gaze upon Jaehyun’s resting figure. He’s staring up at the ceiling that protects you two above, yet can cave in at any moment.

Dimples dip into his round supple cheeks as his toothy smile comes into view, reliving the happy memory. “You rang your little bell so many times that day.”

“Because I was scared!” You protest, muttering something incoherent. “Didn’t we go downhill when I said I wasn’t ready?”

“We went downhill because you said you were ready.” His hair ruffles in your sheets when he turns to face you, and he just takes your breath away. It’s the stars in his dark eyes that sweep you off your feet, like the gleaming star on top of a tree. The color that oozes from his smile, like Christmas lights that line a rooftop, make it hard not to stare. Jaehyun looks just like Christmas, the most wonderful thing of the year. In someway, he resembled an angel or the soft sheet of snow ready to fall right through.

You’re encompassed by overwhelming effervescent emotions from listening and watching Jaehyun glow and gleam. “Then, what?”

Jaehyun’s low chuckle illuminates the room, dazzling the boring grey interior. “Little ol’ you, hurt yourself real bad that day, scrapes and wounds you thought you’d never heal from. You didn’t talk to me for a week, but you ended up learning how to ride a bike.”

“Is that right?”

Jaehyun rests on his side now, only an elbow supporting his body and he’s leaning in close to your face, you’re almost too sure you could feel a breath on your lips. “No matter how painful it gets, I’m always here to push you through it all.”

When your heart beats sporadically at his proximity, you didn’t realize that you are holding in a breath, being quite afraid that if you let it out, it would simply blow him away for the night. And you’re not ready for him to leave you again.

Christmas Eve;

It had to be a miracle that anyone got a hold of you this week when Johnny comes practically banging at your door. Though you are so close to ignoring his loud thumping, the sound of your boyfriend’s soft sniffles alarms you greatly.

“y/n, holy shit!” It’s deja vu when you’re in his arms again, a horribly warped version of it when the smell of peppermint bark tickles your nostrils disgustingly. “I thought something happened to you. You weren’t answering my calls or texts.”

“My one wish for Christmas was to be left alone and I meant it.” The attitude in your voice becomes jarringly evident and Johnny blinks back at you with a new found annoyance as well.

“Can you at least think of the other people around you?” He holds your shoulders lightly, but staring into his eyes seems to be harder to do lately. Jaehyun appears on the couch, lying flat on his stomach and a hand resting underneath his chin. This is no longer a private conversation, but you learned long ago that no one else can see him.

“Who are you talking about? My family? Because they’ve all given up on me.” This is the first time Johnny has seen you act so cold and distant, yet entirely vulnerable. You’re stripped of everything that you usually hide in --- oversized clothes, happy smiles, and a beaming warmth.

All Johnny ever wants is for you to be loved, not only by him, but by the world. And interestingly enough, he loved you for your vulnerability and your rawness. This is until he realizes, in this moment, that it stems from your trauma of losing Jaehyun.

“What about me, y/n? I’m still here.” Johnny is frantic, and by all means, hurt by your aloofness. Brushing off his hands from your body, you’re taking several steps away from him.

“And why are you still here when I kept telling you to leave me alone? Whenever I was upset, Jaehyun always gave me space! Haven’t ever thought about how that is something I need?” You’re saying nonsensical statements that are fueled by anger and annoyance.

He’s pushing your limits and for once, you’re pushing him away. But this isn’t new to you, in fact, you’ve pushed so many people away just like this and that’s why they’ve decided to just let you be.

Johnny is taken aback, “you know, I feel like I’m competing with Jaehyun and I’ve never even met him.”

You scoff and throw your arms in the air, visibly in disbelief at what your boyfriend is saying to you. May you lose your temper, you’re unsure about the future of this relationship. Yet, something in your cruel and painful heart no longer cared, snapping your wits and patience at your beloved.

“What are you saying?” You’re pacing back and forth, fuming with an inexplicable infuriation. Jaehyun catches your eye, and for a brief moment, you’re holding eye contact with him instead. “Jaehyun is dead,” facing Johnny now, you say words that jumble in your chest, regardless of their true meanings, “and even if he was alive, there would be no competition.”

“Because you were always going to choose him over everyone else in your life, is that right? Exactly like how you do now.” Johnny’s words sting like daggers at your skin, worse than the layer of frost that bites at you for the past two weeks.

“Please, don’t attack me for hurting.” With that, your voice breaks and cracks all over. Your tears hit the ground without you feeling them run down your cheeks.

Johnny is quick to wipe them away, not minding that his hands will now be wet from your salty droplets. He instantly regrets it all, the unwarranted questions, the fighting, the barging in unexpectedly. It pains him more to see you like this.

“I apologize. I’m sorry that I’m not saying the kindest words to you when you need to hear them the most.” Your partner is frowning, a true rare sight to see. “But, you’re still grieving and there is going to have to be a time that you move on.”

It’s one of those tip of the iceberg moments or when the ball finally hits the ground and a rush of cathartic enthusiasm washes over you. However, you’re not happy. You’re not even remotely close to happiness. You’re fucking sad, you’re aching with a pain so deeply rooted that it isolates you, that it rips apart anything that used to bring you joy.

And this causes you to scream your lungs out, sobs that choke you up. “I can’t! You don’t understand, no one understands! I just fucking can’t. He was my best friend and that night… he was going to tell me something.” Jaehyun can’t bear to hear your piercing wails, as he’s disappeared completely from the setting. When you’re panicked and searching for him, you only see Johnny staring back at you with a very concerned expression.

“And I will never know what he wanted to tell me.” Your tone grows soft and rather delicate, like a sad realization at the possibility that the secret died with Jaehyun that night.

“Some things are better left unknown. Do you really think you’ll feel better knowing?”

“Listen to him, y/n.” Jaehyun randomly appears next to Johnny’s stature. He stands a few inches shorter than him, but the sight of them together has you blinking in awe.

You’re darting between the two of them, “I don’t know what will make me feel better.”

“Come, tonight. Your whole family wants to see you for the one holiday that brings people together.” But when Johnny steps forward, you’re taking a step back.

“Please, just go.” With an assertive point to the door, your head does not lift up to watch your boyfriend leave. Despite every person you’ve done this to, Johnny’s hurts the most. His flame dies out tonight, providing no sense of security or heat. And with a toss of his arms of exasperation, he shuts your front door and leaves without a goodbye, without wishing you a merry Christmas.

Jaehyun calls your name, but you’re rushing to your bedroom and slamming the door shut. “Don’t you dare travel through the wall.”

Your apartment has grown so dark due to the shorten winter days. It’s pitch black all around you and the sky is no longer a deafening white. It’s the first time you notice the dark blue scattered clouds and the intricate snowflakes that drift carefully down to the streets. And, you’re all alone in the quietness. You truly are isolated every Christmas.

“y/n, let’s talk.” Jaehyun is beyond fed up with your behavior, that has to be the last straw. This is the first year since his death that he’s seen the evident spark in your eye, the hope that is hiding behind your depression. He sees it in the way Johnny looks at you, like you’re the greatest present he could receive in life. In your proclamation, as hard as it was to witness, is a spirit that wishes to be freed. There was a chance this year. There still is one.

“Jaehyun, you left me! You left all alone, and no matter how hard I try to stop thinking about you, it never works. In the end, no one is here for me like how you were.” Hands in your hair, you’re losing yourself at a rapid rate. It hurts to keep your eyes open, tears sting as they well up around the rims.

“Find a part of me in the people around you.” The door to your bedroom swings open and Jaehyun takes note of you by the window again. You want to leave, you want to be out there and he knows, before you can actually realize it yourself. You’re turning to face him and in the dark, he looks solid. He looks so real and whole.

“How do I do that?” It’s a genuine question that you’ve pondered before, but never feeling like you had the strength to do so. You’re always dwelling on your past with Jaehyun, indulging in the sacred memories only you two shared.

“What are things that you associate me with?” He is found leaning against your door frame again, hands are shoved into the pockets of his faded jeans.

You say the first thing on your mind, “snow.” When the words hit the air, your ceiling light flickers briefly. Jaehyun doesn’t flinch, however, still focused on your crying figure. Snow, the first sign of snowfall is when he appears for the winter.

“What else?” He encourages.

“Familiarity.” The light flashes again, for a mere second longer this time before it resumes darkness. Familiarity, for he grew up by your side for as long as you could remember.

There is an odd feeling that enters the room and you’re fearful of the unknown. But, Jaehyun’s cadence doesn’t falter, he’s not distracted by the random spurts of light. And if anything, it all could be his doing. “Keep going.”

“Comfort.” Flicker. “Warmth. Love. Excitement.” With each word, the light builds stronger and stronger. You’re speaking memories into existence now, “making snow angels until it got dark, laughing until our stomachs hurt, watching movies until the clock struck midnight, dancing until our legs gave out!”

Streams run down your face and you’re yelling until your throat feels raw, but you don’t wish to stop as the light glows brighter and brighter with each spoken word.

As you listen to every listed attribute and memory, you recognize a central theme in all of them and one thing that Jaehyun embodies, the one thing he’s always been associated with.

“Christmas.” A shaky breath exhales and a loud spark pierces your ears. The light illuminates intensely all around you, lighting up the darkest corners of your room and blinding you more than the sky has been lately.

“Jaehyun?” Closing your eyes, you can see the brightness through your eyelids and you’re beyond confused as to what is happening. When you mindlessly reach for his hand, you actually feel it and your heart is soaring due to strange unquestionable physics.

Jaehyun intertwines your hand in his own and caresses your face gently. For once, he doesn’t feel cold. He’s blazing hot, melting away the long days of isolation. “Open your eyes, y/n.”

What lies before you is an incredible, marvelous sight. Snow dusts the roof of your family’s house as green, red, yellow bulbs light the frame of it. Your parents really went all out; round snowmen sit perfectly together on your lawn. A decorative wreath hangs at the front door and a distinct chuckle catches your attention.

From the window that looks into your kitchen, your mother rolls a sheet of dough on the counter as clouds of flour erupt around her. Your father is preoccupied at the stove, with the silliest gimmicks for decorating the feast they’re about to hold. Silver tinsel line the dinner table with a festive table cloth draped upon it. The remarkable tree shines in the center of the living room, a glimmering star on top. 

“I know we probably won’t see y/n again this Christmas…” The sound of your mother’s voice rings a bell in your yearning heart and Jaehyun is gazing at you with a wondrous look in his eyes. The grip on his hand is tight, your breath enters the night in puffs of smoke, and regardless of this all being real or imaginary, you’re so immersed in this reality that he knows you’re anticipating what your family has to say.

“... but something about this year really makes me miss them.” Your mother puts the rolling pin off to the side and rests her hand on the kitchen counter, trying to hold back any form of her own tears from falling.

“May Jaehyun watch over them tonight, our little angel doesn’t deserve to be alone.”

Your dad walks over to embrace your mother in a long hug, kissing the top of her head gently. “Merry Christmas, y/n.” Your father speaks into the air, without the knowledge of you outside, he’s thinking of you.

Something in your heart shatters, but it’s entirely different from the pain you’ve felt over the years following Jaehyun’s death. It’s a warm, bubbly feeling that spreads across your chest and you’re covering your mouth out of pure shock at the sight of your parents.

Your parents, who you’ve neglected every holiday season, still think of you. You recognize the ingredients that scatter the table, they make your favorite dish every year in hopes you’ll come join them. 

Jaehyun whispers, “y/n, know that I’m always going to be here. I may physically be gone, but I live in your heart and the joyous memories we’ve shared together. I live through the many people who love you now, through Christmas. This spirit is also very much alive in the other people around you.”

When you peel your eyes from the scene of your parents, the vision suddenly disappears and you’re facing Jaehyun right back in your cold, empty, dark apartment. But you wish the moment lasted a little longer. For the first time in a long time, you wish to be with your loved ones. You wish to celebrate Christmas with the people who still care about you, the ones that are still alive and well.

“What if I’m not ready?”

“This signifies my final push down the hill. You’re all strapped up in your knee pads, y/n. You’re never truly going to be ready, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying.” Jaehyun pats your head lovingly and mimics the motions of securing a helmet on your head.

You’re letting go of his hand, running around quickly in search for the appropriate outerwear for the snow. It’s like a switch went off in your heart and a cathartic feeling settles in the pit of your stomach.

Every Christmas since his passing, you thought it was best to be alone. You thought it was selfish to live your favorite holiday season without your best friend, that you lost the spirit of Christmas.

However, this entire time… Jaehyun’s ghost has been a reminder that the Christmas spirit has always been alive. It’s not about the enthusiastic festive events or the cheerful themed activities or the distinct colorful decorations, it’s about the appreciation and love you have for the people who have made your year so special. You’ve associated the holiday so much with your best friend, that you’ve lost sight of it in your family, your current friends, your own boyfriend.

When you’re rushing out the door, you stop in your tracks and peer back at Jaehyun leaning against your door frame, just as he appeared a few weeks ago. He has the warmest, brightest smile on his face, “y/n, I think I finally remember the secret I wanted to tell you.” You’re afraid of the answer and the outside world, but your hand doesn’t slip from the door handle. Could it really be? The long anticipated secret that has been gnawing at your conscience since his death?

Nevertheless, he’s giggling and holding his stomach slightly from the immense amount of joyous laughter. “I wanted to tell you that I... finally learned how to shave.”  

At first, you’re stunned at the simplicity of the beheld secret. All this time, you thought it had been something so meaningful, something so mind blowing, that needing to know practically destroyed your mental state. Then, a wholehearted and genuine laugh erupts from inside of you and you’re lighting up the darkest parts of yourself. Jaehyun looks at you fondly, like a beauty that he hasn’t seen in awhile. 

“That’s fucking it? You came out in the middle of a blizzard to tell me you learned how to shave? How lame.”

Jaehyun chuckles, “when did I ever need an extremely valid reason to see you?” The laughter falls short at his confession and in the midst of all this enthusiasm, you bid him the softest smile. His purpose has been fulfilled, as the best version of you he’s always known and loved stands before him at last. 

“I guess... you’re right. What’s going to happen to you now?”

“I’ll always be here for Christmas, even when you’re old and grey surrounded by the warmth of your loved ones in front of a large, extravagant Christmas tree. When the snow falls, I’ll be here.” Jaehyun’s dimple smile is the lasting image you see, the one you’ve always hoped to remember him by.  

“Merry Christmas, Jung Jaehyun… I--”

“Love you too, y/n. Merry Christmas.” He ushers you out the door with a small kiss on your knuckles.

That is the last time you ever see him again. Now, when the snow falls, it marks the anniversary of your long awaited healing, the journey to acceptance, and the beloved memory of your best friend. May you never lose the spirit of Christmas and the warmth from your loved ones.

[tyongxnct]

𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝘩𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑡 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑠 𝑤𝘩𝑎𝑡 𝑖𝑡 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑠 - 𝐿𝑒𝑒 𝑇𝑎𝑒𝑦𝑜𝑛𝑔

pairing: Taeyong x reader

special guest: Mark Lee

summary: You and Taeyong promised each other to go through everything together. You both dreamed of the music industry and after so many years, you finally got the opportunity to sign a contract with a big company, but they only wanted you, not Taeyong and you. At first, you didn’t want to do anything without Taeyong, but he encouraged you and supported you, but after your big success, Taeyong changed and his jealousy destroyed your relationship.

song: the heart wants what it wants - Selena Gomez

genre: idol!au, angst

warnings: mention of alcohol, swearing

word count: 4,8k

A/N:​ I really love this one and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, listen to the heart wants what it wants by Selena Gomez while reading!! 💖

taglist: @alex-chann​

© tyongxnct on all platforms

I was on stage and I was thinking of... I felt like I know him though I know his heart And I know what he wouldn't do to hurt me But I didn't realize that Feeling so confident, feeling so great about myself... And then it just be completely shattered by one thing By something so stupid But then you make me feel crazy baby Feel like it's my fault I was in pain…

The award in your one hand and your phone in your other hand. You were nervous, almost scared. You whole body was trembling, and your lips were about to bleed, you chewed on them without feeling any pain.

You looked on your phone, for the millionth time in the last three minutes and there was still no call and no text.

You felt like the dress you were wearing, the beautiful golden dress, was suffocating you. It was tight around your waist and with every passing second it got tighter.

You clutched your heart.

Are you dying?

You can’t breathe.

Is this it?

Your vision is blurry, tears filled your eyes.

“Y/n! Can you hear us? Hey, honey, are you alright? Look at me.” This was your manager, she tried to calm you down. You were going to die, there was no other way to stop the pain.

“Someone bring me a fucking bottle of water!” she yelled to the crew in your dressing room. “You did it, Y/n! Artist of the year award is in your hands! This was your dream!”

You looked at the award in your hand.

Artist of the year.

Did you deserve this? Of course you did. You worked day and night, non-stop without any breaks, this was your dream and you did everything you could to achieve this.

But did you really deserve this?

“You looked absolutely gorgeous on-stage Y/n! Honey, you moved everyone with your speech! It was beautiful, you’re trending first place worldwide on twitter!” she told you as she handed you the bottle of water. Your throat was dry, and you finished the whole bottle in one go.

“Thank you.” You said and then you turned your phone off. He wasn’t going to text you anyway.

The water helped you calm down and the crew and your manager cheered and popped a champagne bottle. Today was your day, and you had to push every painful thought away and just be happy for once.

After the award show you found yourself in your bed, but it was hard to fall asleep. You could see the sun rising and the clock on your wall told you that it was almost 6am. You were awake the whole night, alone in a cold bed without him keeping you warm.

The bedroom door was suddenly opened with him stumbling inside. The heavy smell of alcohol surrounded the whole room. When he saw you looking at him, he laughed. He walked towards the bed and almost tripped on his way.

“Oops.” He giggled to himself.

You starred at him, curious about his next move.

“I saw y-you on the tv. You looked so small.” He laughed again like a little boy. He took off his socks and then his shirt.

“Do you know why I was on the tv?” you asked him.

“I don’t know and I don’t care.” With that, he got under the blankets and turned his back to you.

Tonight was one of the most important nights of your life and Taeyong simply didn’t care.  

The bed's getting cold and you're not here The future that we hold is so unclear But I'm not alive until you call And I'll bet the odds against it all Save your advice 'cause I won't hear You might be right but I don't care There's a million reasons why I should give you up But the heart wants what it wants The heart wants what it wants

Your history with Taeyong started when you were both around twelve years old. The typical childhood friends to lovers. You had your first kiss with him when you were fifteen, you officially started dating when you were sixteen and you had your first time when you were eighteen. Years later, with twenty-three, every memory, every special day with him wasn’t the same anymore.

You two always dreamed of becoming the greatest couple in the music industry. You promised each other to go through this together and love each other forever. Taeyong was more into rap and producing and you were more into writing lyrics and singing. For the first couple years everything was perfect, but it was also exhausting and tiring. The music industry was harder than you imagined and the day you signed a contract with a big company, without Taeyong, was the day your relationship started falling apart.

You didn’t want to sign the contract. It was always Taeyong and you or nothing. Taeyong felt bad and didn’t want that to happen, he couldn’t be selfish just because it took longer to achieve his own dream. Taeyong worked in your studio, you let him spend as much time as he wanted and he produced song after song but nobody wanted to sign him. Your company offered Taeyong a job as a producer to produce a couple songs for you and other artists, he accepted the offer and hoped that one day, he could produce something for himself.

Taeyong supported you at first. The day you released your first self-written single, he surprised you with a big party and a promise ring. A promise to be with you forever. When you released your first full album, your fanbase grew even faster and you album hit first place on almost every chart. You were twenty-three and you were a star.

Taeyong was distant after you released your first album. He never left the studio and produced day and night. Every time you tried to get close to him, he’d find an excuse to push you away. No company wanted him, and he was going crazy. You understood, you tried to keep your own stuff for yourself and never talked about your job, you didn’t want to hurt him more.

While you got more popular, Taeyong’s hate towards music grew and one day, he just stopped.

“There’s no need for me to keep doing this. I don’t want this anymore. I need money to pay for this apartment, I need money to buy food and-“ he rambled nervously.

“Taeyong, you know that money is no problem for us anymore. This was your dream, you can’t just give up-“

“Oh please, don’t start with that bullshit. I don’t want your fucking money! Keep it to yourself! Go buy yourself some diamonds or I don’t fucking know, a house or no, go buy yourself a plane!”

Taeyong hated it whenever you talked about money. He hated it that you gained more money than him and provided for you two. The thought of you now paying for the apartment drove him crazy.

“Taeyong, I don’t want you to stop trying. Just let me pay the rent, I love you I just want to help-“ You loved Taeyong so much and you knew how much music actually means to him.

“I don’t want your fucking help. You’re not paying the rent. End of discussion.” And like every other night, he left you alone and went to a bar.

You knew you shouldn’t, but you did it anyway.

You bought the apartment you were living in and didn’t say anything to Taeyong. For two months, he didn’t notice that the money he paid for the apartment was back on his bank account. You knew that he’d find out sooner or later, but you couldn’t sit back and watch him destroy himself anymore.

But one day, he noticed, and you thought it was really the end of your relationship. The future you always dreamed of was nowhere to be seen.

“Do you really think that low of me?! Do you really think I can’t even fucking pay rent?! Huh?! How could you do something like that behind my back!” he yelled at you.

“Taeyong, please. I did it for us. I don’t want you to worry about money, I can help-“

“No! No you fucking can’t help! I don’t want your fucking money! You think, now that you are fucking famous you can do whatever the fuck you want?! Is that how it works? Just because you sing like anyone else, you can do whatever you want? I don’t even get why people are listening to your fucking music! It sound like every other artist singing you’re not special, not unique! You don’t have any fucking talent but here we are, you get the contract and not me, someone with actual talent.”

Every word that left his mouth, felt like a knife piercing in your heart. You finally heard how he really felt about your success and it broke you apart. You never wanted it to go this far.

You sobbed, you felt numb and his gaze on you didn’t help. Maybe he was right. There was nothing special about you. He deserved to be in your position.

“I-I’m sorry-“ you blurred out, “D-do you want me to g-go?”

Taeyong’s gaze softened, you looked like you were about to fall apart, and he couldn’t catch you because it was his faut in first place.

Did he want to break up? Was it over now? Do you have to leave the love of your life now?

“N-No, I’ll leave.”

And you didn’t see him for next hours.

You did nothing except for crying while listening to your songs. He was right, there was nothing special about your voice. You were like anyone else. No talent, how did people even listen to you?

It was late, past 3 am.

You were still crying, and you thought that Taeyong left you- forever. You took off the promise ring and tried to fall asleep, but he entered the room, and you could feel his presence behind you.

Taeyong hugged you from behind and cried. His head fell in the crook of your neck and he cried with you in his arms, you were also crying.

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.” He whimpered. “I didn’t mean anything I said. You’re perfect, the best of the best. I’m sorry, please don’t leave me. I love you.”

You turned to him. When he saw the tears on your face, he stroked them away and kissed your cheeks. “Please don’t cry- I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

You did the same with his tears and he noticed the missing ring on your finger. “W-Where is the ring?”

“I’m sorry, I took it off. I thought you’d leave m-me.” You told him and he cried harder. “No baby I’d never leave you. I’m sorry, please don’t take it off. I still mean it.”

You turned to your nightstand and put it back on.

“I’m sorry. I’m stupid and an idiot. T-This is just driving me crazy- Am I not good enough? What am I doing wrong?” he said, you could see in his eyes that he was in pain and it hurt you so much to see him like this.

“You are not doing anything wrong. You’re perfect, they are just blind and don’t see how great you are. They don’t know what real music is, Tae. You are so talented and please don’t stop trying.”

You put your head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat.

“A-Are you serious? O-Or are you just saying that to make me stop crying like a baby?” he pouted.

“I’m telling the truth. I’m not biased here. Well, I do love you but I’m really telling you the truth. You are the most talented person I know.”

“Thank you.” He kissed your head. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for earlier- I hate myself for saying that to you.”

“It’s okay, I know that you didn’t mean it.”

“I love you so much, never leave me, okay?” he said softly.

“I love you too.”

You got me scattered in pieces Shining like stars and screaming Lighting me up like Venus But then you disappear and make me wait And every second's like torture Hell over trip, no more so Finding a way to let go Baby, baby, no I can't escape

It didn’t stay like that. Not even weeks later, you were back to the cold and distant Taeyong, he was still the same cold guy who hated your success with a burning passion.

Two weeks later, you were back at the studio, after you won the artist of the year award, in the studio working on some music with a hungover Taeyong. He still didn’t talk to you about the fact that you won the artist of the year award and you were not going to say anything about it.

You were distant. You tried to keep your thoughts to yourself and only talked whenever it was really needed.

“Try again.” He said for the fifth time.

Your throat hurt after last night and singing the same verse over and over again didn’t help.

“Taeyong can I take a break?” you asked.

“Mrs. Artist of the year wants to take a break? That’s not so professional of you. Artists don’t take breaks. They try and try until it’s perfect.”

First of all, you thought he didn’t know that you won artist of the year? And second, so he knew but he didn’t even show you a tiny bit of love. You won the biggest award of the year and your boyfriend hated you for that.

“But my throat hurts- I can’t hit the notes.”

“Drink some water.” He pointed at the water in the recording room.

And then you tried and tried to hit the note, but your voice gave up.

“Fine. That’s it for tonight. We won’t get any further with that voice of yours.” He said coldly.

When you left the little recording room, you gathered your things together but Taeyong didn’t move. “Aren’t we going home?” you asked.

“You can go, I’ll stay a little longer.”

And without saying anything or kissing him goodbye, you left.

The pain in your throat got worse and talking was difficult. You were talking to your manager about a potential tour, but after one sentence your voice broke. You stopped talking immediately, the pain only got worse whenever you tried to talk. “Here drink this tea. You should stop recording for a couple days, maybe even weeks.” You nodded, your voice was still there, but you didn’t want to risk losing it completely.

A couple days later, you talked to your boss about taking a break for a couple months, a short hiatus to calm your voice and throat and just write lyrics for your upcoming album. You decided to leave the city and rent a little beach house. Your manager was happy, you were happy but Taeyong, well, Taeyong just laughed at you.

“Taeyong, I just told you that I’m going to take a break and you’re just laughing?”

“Our little pop-star got enough of being the star? Why? Are they paying you too little?” he said mockingly.

“You know that this isn’t about money! I’m stressed, I’m not feeling good. My voice is always breaking, it even hurts to talk.”

“You can’t even handle that, can you? What kind of singer are you? Pathetic.”

You had enough. You really had enough.

“I’m the pathetic one? Look at yourself for once! You did this to me! I’m recording 24/7 and you don’t give me a single break! How is my voice supposed to handle that?! Tell me! You hate me so much, you weren’t even there for me when I won that stupid award! We talked so much about being there for each other in the past, but you threw everything away because of your jealousy! You weren’t there when I needed you the most even though I’m always there for you. You promised me b-but I’ve had enough…  I can’t let you tear me down. I worked so hard, but It feels like a punishment to sing.” Once again, your voice broke.

“I want you to leave my apartment. I don’t want to see you or any of your stuff here. I’m done with you breaking my heart.”

Fortunately, your bags were already in the car, you thought maybe Taeyong would come with you, to relax and remind him of the love you once shared. But after what he had said, you just couldn’t stay with him anymore.

Taeyong looked at you, eyes wide open and lips trembling. Was he about to cry? Impossible. He must be happy that you’re finally leaving him.

“Y-You’re breaking up with me?” he asked slowly.

You took off the ring and placed it on the shelf next to you.

You turned around without saying anything and walked out of the door and when you finally closed the door of the car, you cried. Taeyong didn’t realize that you just left him. He was staring at the ring, he couldn’t move, he wanted to go after you, but his legs were numb.

After more than 10 Years, you left him. You had promised each other that you’d never leave each other but he also promised to be there for you.

This is a modern fairy tale No happy endings No wind in our sails But I can't imagine a life without Breathless moments Breaking me down, down, down, down

You lived at the beach for five months and you had no contact to anyone except your manager and a couple of producers you met. Your manager was always there for you after your breakup with Taeyong. You wrote so many songs in the past months, only love songs. Sad ballads about broken hearts.

You were scared to go back, scared of seeing him in the studio and scared that you actually weren’t ready to go back on stage, but after a long talk with your manager, you felt ready. Your five months hiatus helped you feel better about yourself and gain more confidence.

You woke up to the sounds of waves and you fell asleep to them. Your body relaxed and your throat didn’t hurt anymore. You felt good and you were ready to face the reality you were living in.

Your manager talked to some producers and that’s when you met Mark Lee. A young producer from Canada who was really talented, and you couldn’t wait to work with someone who wasn’t Taeyong. The car stopped in front of the building you tried to avoid for the last months. Your driver kindly opened your door and helped you get out.

“Thank you.” You said politely and entered the building with a nervous heart. Your manager told you that Taeyong was still working in the company, just for other artists and you hoped that you’d never cross paths.

You softly knocked on the door.

“You can come in!”

You opened the door and greeted Mark. It wasn’t your first time meeting him. He visited you at the beach house to talk about your new songs.

“My favorite singer is finally here in my office!” he said happily and hugged you softly. You hugged him back and sighed, “I don’t know If I’m ready.”

“Of course you are. We are going to produce some hits for you. I mean the songs you wrote are sad but like a good sad and everyone loves a good ballad.”

His studio was a little bigger than Taeyong’s and it was also warmer, the vibe was definitely better here. “Well we’ll see about that-“

“Yo Mark do you want to-“ suddenly someone entered the studio and when you turned around time stopped.

Taeyong looked, well, he looked like he always looked and that was perfect. His hair was a pretty shade of blue, he looked mesmerizing.

His eyes widened, his hand on the doorknob tightened and his body tensed. You weren’t doing any better. Your grip on your bag also tightened and your heart clenched.

Mark did know a little bit about your history with Taeyong, and the tension right now was crazy.

“H-Hi.” Taeyong said nervously.

“Hey.” You just said back, trying to avoid his gaze.

“You’re back.”

You nodded, not knowing what to say.

“So, Mark is a new producer here-“

“Yeah I know. I’m going to work with him.” You simply said.

“Oh, t-that’s good. I mean he’s good. Mark is really good.” He mumbled. Taeyong tried to meet your eyes, your beautiful pretty eyes he had missed so much, but you looked down to your feet.

“Uhm, Taeyong, I guess I’ll talk to you later?” Mark tried to save you from this awkward situation.

“Yeah sure.” He slowly left the room and you thought you’d die any second.

“That was so awkward.” Mark said and wiped the sweat from his forehead, “I can’t handle awkward situations, shit I thought we were all going to cry any minute.”

“Let’s start, I need to distract myself.”

Taeyong held his heart tightly when he entered his own studio. He wanted to ask Mark to order some food, but seeing you there after months, looking beautiful as ever.

Taeyong missed you and he was more than happy that you were back, even though you weren’t a couple anymore. You looked healthier and happier and he hated himself whenever he thought about the past. He was an asshole to you, you never deserved his stupid attitude. Losing you was his own fault and he had to leave you alone.

But Taeyong is selfish.

The bed's getting cold and you're not here The future that we hold is so unclear But I'm not alive until you call And I'll bet the odds against it all Save your advice 'cause I won't hear You might be right but I don't care There's a million reasons why I should give you up But the heart wants what it wants The heart wants what it wants

The past two months, you recorded and recorded. You new album was done, and you were able to perform on stage after a long time again. You were extremely nervous, but it also felt like a relief to perform the heart wants what it wants with a big audience.

Each song on your album had a deep meaning. After getting your heart shattered into many pieces, you wrote sad but beautiful lyrics. Everyone goes through heartbreak which is why so many people could relate to your songs.

“Are you ready honey?” you manager asked you.

“I hope I don’t cry.” You tried to joke but everyone knew you were actually serious. “It’s okay to cry. Just go on stage and let it all out.”

You hugged her and even Mark was there to cheer on you. “You’ll do amazing. The songs are amazing and you’re going to deliver them perfectly. Don’t worry.” Mark said as he hugged you tightly.

It felt like a déjà vu. You were in the waiting room almost a year later after you won the Artist of the year award, this time before you performed, and you still hoped to get a text from a certain someone. Did Taeyong even knew that you were going to perform tonight?

You breathed in and out and when you were on stage you poured your heart out.

When the performance ended, you didn’t cry. You almost did, but in the end you didn’t. The genuine smile on your face showed the relief you felt and that you finally reached happiness after years of looking for it.

You left the stage and adrenalin was pumping through your veins. A big smile was on your lips and when you entered your waiting room to celebrate with your crew, there was no one inside except for one person.

“Taeyong?” you asked, not sure If you were imagining him.

“Hey,” he looked you up and down, “You look gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful.”

You were shocked. Is it really him? “W-What are you doing here?”

“I watched your performance. Front row. I wanted to be in the crowd and watch you perform. It was phenomenal. You were breathtaking.”

He stepped closer, “W-Was the song about me?” he whispered.

You nodded, tears were about to fall down your cheeks.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I was a blind little boy, I was so obsessed with the idea of me and the music industry that I forgot about you and your feelings and I can’t tell you how much I hate myself for that. You were always my number one priority, b-but then… all I could see was red and I let my anger and frustration out on you. I love you more than anything and instead of loving you I tried to hurt you and I thought it would make me feel better about myself, but it didn’t, and I realized that when it was too late. You left me and I was absolutely devastated. I couldn’t imagine my life without, and I still can’t. You were always a part of me, and I don’t want to lose the most important part of my life. No one and nothing on this planet is more important to me than you are. You are my world and when you left, my world stopped spinning and I didn’t know what to do. The first time I saw you after our breakup I-I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that you were real and that I lost someone as beautiful and kind as you. I don’t need to be an artist. I don’t need fans- I just need you. My number one fan and supporter.”

You were bawling your eyes out and you couldn’t stop yourself from crying harder and harder.

Taeyong was also always a part of you. Everything you achieved was thanks to him. He was the one who taught you how to play the guitar and the piano. Taeyong helped you find your voice when you were younger, and you found your passion for music and singing all thanks to him.

You went through so much, and you never stopped loving him. You loved him on every single day since the first time you met him until now.

He came to support you. He watched your performance and it felt so good to see him here. Your heart was beating against your chest and you couldn’t talk, you were scared that your voice might break, but it didn’t matter. You didn’t need to.

One step, two steps and you were standing right in front of him.

Taeyong’s face was completely wet from his tears and his big doe eyes trembled, tears still rolling down his pretty face.

You cupped his cheeks and pulled him closer to press your lips on his.

You couldn’t remember the last time you had kissed him or touched him. His lips were perfectly on yours, slowly kissing you with so much longing and passion.

He dropped the bouquet of roses in his hands and pulled you even closer. His hands were on your waist, holding you tightly. He was scared that you’d slip away or that he’d break you. He kissed you tenderly, you were so fragile in his hands he was scared to break you with a simple touch.

The two of you pulled away slowly, he never let go of you though. You hid your face in the crook of his neck and sobbed silently.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He whispered to you and hugged you as tightly as he could. He would never let go of you again.

“I love you so much Taeyong. I always loved you so much and I don’t think I can love anyone as much as I love you. I also need you in my life- the months without you- I just wanted to go back to the days we were happy. I miss those days so much Taeyong. I love my job, but I love you more.”

“I love you so much. I love you. More than anything else. I promise you I’ll give you everything you deserve and so much more. Okay baby? Just like back in the days. You and me against the world.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

After everything you’ve been through, you couldn’t let go of him. No matter how many times your cried yourself to sleep, in the end, the heart wants what it wants and yours wanted Taeyong.

The heart wants what it wants, baby It wants what it wants, baby It wants what it wants It wants what it wants

The heart wants what it wants, baby It wants what it wants

[hitozy]

have you ever ‹ masterlist › denouement

tw! manipulation, mentioned underage sex, dubious consent, cheating. i also want to point out that reader is around 2-3 years younger than Iwaizumi, while Jae and Iwa are the same age. ps. this is a long chp :)

𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞

Iwaizumi has no idea of what has possessed him tonight. He doesn't know why he's walking around the city in the middle of the night a day before he should be on his way home.

He doesn't know why after the celebration he didn't follow his teammates. He doesn't know why he has barely answered your texts since after the game.

He also doesn't know why he agreed to go and see Jae, to hear her out.

He's been doing fine so far, seven months Jae clean and while the first three were bumpy; your company had made it easier to deal with. Your cheerfulness, your happiness, the adventures you've both have been planning have taken his mind off the broken heart he was nursing.

She continued to contact him, even when he begged her not to and blocking her phone was no use, she just got a new one and tried again and again. His resolve was diluted and he knew it would be a matter of time before he fell into his old habits.

lil jae: congrats on the win haji! let me invite you to a drink, im in town.

-

Iwaizumi recalls an old memory from back in high school, a few weeks before moving to California, you were sitting on his bed helping him organize his suitcase with 'essentials'. His clothes all over the place but as always, you showed enthusiasm at helping him out.

He remembers you giggling and calling him a dork while folding his Godzilla themed underwear and placing it inside his suitcase. He remembers the way you hummed some songs that you had just placed on your shared playlist because 'it's kinda your style' and it kinda is. He even remembers what you were wearing, a pair of black running shorts and a blue tank top. When you reached over the edge of his bed for his fallen socks, your cleavage was visible to his eyes, 'If a man ever peers down his shirt', he thought, 'I'll kill him without hesitating.'

But what he remembers the most is you pulling out an old shoe box from under said bed, a shoe box that held his most treasured things. Pictures from his childhood that matched the ones on your bedroom wall, doddles from your hand, your favorite flowers pressed inside a copy of your favorite book, short stories and poems, snippets of stories never finished from you. He'll never forget your teary eyes and happy smile when he took the box from you, emptying the contents carefully inside his backpack. The hug you gave him afterward still sets his heart on fire, nothing has ever been more lovely than you and your happy smile.

He also remembers Jae coming into his room right during your hug, wearing an empty smile on her face, her eyes red and raging. He's only ever seen her this mad whenever he's with you and he still doesn't get it.

She stay's to "help" when in reality all she does is glare at yn the whole time. It helps that you don't even mind the glares or the bad mood, joking that 'Jae's grumpy because we couldn't go to the movies today'.

It was late afternoon when you left, Iwaizumi had given you a bag filled with some of his stuff - things he knew you loved and adored, things he couldn't take. He watched you get inside your parents car and wave him goodbye, even though you both knew he'd be coming through your window in a few hours for movie night.

He remembers when he came back inside to find Jae naked on his bed. How angry she was and how she took it out on sex, the tension so palpable he could taste it. Once it was over, she walked towards his backpack and pulled out all of YN's things and that's when it clicked. She was mad because he was taking stuff about YN and not her, she made it clear when Jae told him, 'What the fuck is this.'

-

He remembers that hours later, he finds himself in your room squeaky clean and wearing nothing but his sweatpants and socks, his back against your front with his head against your breasts. He hadn't told you that Jae broke up with him, but he knew you had figured out he was sad because your arms cradled him since he got situated there and had not moved since.

How Jae said she wouldn't move with him in the end. How she had decided to stay in Japan and have him go to California all alone in the end, just because she wanted him to. How he begged her to come, to stay with him, to not leave him and how he watched her get dressed to go home. How she winked at him as she left with a, "Call me once you're in Cali."

How she only wants to go out when she knows he has plans with you. How she only cares about him when you're around or how messed up and used he feels ever since she took his virginity during your 14th birthday party.

He feels disgusting sometimes after sex with Jae, disgusted with himself on how wrong it is but how much he loves her still.

He didn't have to say any of that to you, the kiss on the forehead you just gave him eased it all away anyway.

-

He remembers all of this while he's kissing Jae in her hotel room, her dress and underwear discarded somewhere in the room, his cock buried deep inside of her like a starved man, Her nails racking down his chest from his unbuttoned shirt as she moaned at the feeling.

When Jae separates herself from him with half lidded eyes, she smirks, "I bet my little cousin can't even kiss right, the little virgin." She kisses the column of his neck, grazing her teeth against the skin, getting ready to mark him as hers and even though he doesn't agree with her, he stays quiet.

A memory burst through his mind as he pounds into Jae. The way your sighed his name when he settled himself inside of you, the way your nails scratched his back when he hit your G-spot, the way you moaned when his thumb circled your clit; your gummy, tight walls griped him as you came, with his name on your lips. Your soft, pillow lips that have only been his, only kissed him.

"Be safe out there, Hajime! I'll be waiting for you!" She smiled as she kissed him goodbye by the front door.

He turned to deepen the kiss, pulling her closer to him like a starved man, "Don't worry, I'm not gonna runaway, mochi."

As he walked down the steps of his house, he heard her say "I miss you already."

It's then that Iwaizumi snaps out of it.

He pushes her off of him and steps back until his back is against the wall, feeling disgusted with himself in a way he hasn't since they broke up.

"I can't do this, I won't do this, I-" he pushes himself off the wall, tucking himself in and picking up his stuff, "Never again, Jae."

Jae watches him leave, a sinister smile spreading across her face. Her gaze steady as his figure disappears into the night, "If you think you can just up and go, Haji, you are very mistaken."

She walks to where she hid her phone and chuckles as she presses send, "Lets see what my little cousin has to say, hmm?"

-

Iwaizumi was worried, it wasn't normal for you to not answer his calls or texts. He was on the road back home with the team, their ruckus would usually give him a headache, but right now? Right now he can't focus on anything except the little 'unread' mark at the bottom of his last text to you.

my one: mochi? r u ok? im on my way back home

-

He didn't expect to come back home and find you in the living room in silence. Your eyes rimmed red and puffy from crying, you didn't have to say anything for him to know what had happened.

Jae told you.

He wish he could be surprised, but Jae had been nothing but a devil all this time and he can't believe he never saw it until now. Until he married you, an angel.

"Mochi, I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry, please talk to me." He knelt at your feet, his hands on your knees trying to get you to look at him. His guilt crashing down brick by brick, he should have never gone out to see her.

"I know this means nothing to you, mochi. But I'll never see her again, only when its a family reunion or you're with me."

Silence.

"There is no excuse, but yn, please, look at me, let me explain."

She pushes him off a bit, without much force as if her sadness took away all her strength and his heart clenched. How could he do this to his best friend? Lie and lie, again and again and again.

YN-”

“No, STOP! You- you got your say, now it’s my turn.” She's shaking and her breaths are short. She's starting to have a panic attack.

I get up and advance towards her slowly, “YN you need to calm down. Here,” I place my hand on her back, “let me-”

She pushes me off, her back towards me, “Please, don’t touch me. Please, please, please.” She's sobbing and its hurts so so much.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

“Remember your breathing exercises, mochi. In and out. In…”

Eventually her breathing normalizes but she still won't look at me and it takes all of my strength to not touch her.

“All I ever wanted was for you to love me, Hajime.”

Whoever said words can never hurt someone, has never been in my place. She just stabbed me without a knife and its more painful than I ever imagined.

“I wanted you to love me, to see me as your wife, as a woman but you didn’t. You don’t and I- it hurts so much.”

“But, mochi, you said you would marry me so we didn’t end up with strangers.”

“I know.”

“Then why-”

“I lied. I’ve loved you since the moment you came into my life. I’ve loved you for years, even before Jae came into the picture. I’ve loved you so so so much, I love you so much.”

“… you know about Jae? Since when?!” I made the mistake of reaching out for her, she pushed me back and said nothing. The dread of her knowing, of her finding out before today makes me sick.

“If you knew then why did you marry me!? Did you think I would change? That my feelings would change? You know I’m not like that.”

“I do know. I- thought that maybe-, but then it was clear that nothing would change but, I made a promise to you and I said it in our vows.”

“YN-”

“I know the mistake is mine. I know what all the blame is mine to take, I know it and I accept it. I’m sorry, Hajime, that’s me that you have to stay with.”

She finally turns to look at me, but I wish she hadn't. The tears are flowing steadily down her cheeks to her neck. I did this to her, I hurt her again and again, without thinking. No, without watching. Because if I had paid attention to her like Jae did, I might have seen it sooner.

“We could get a divorce, you know. That way you can stop getting hurt. Stop your heart from breaking. You don’t deserve this.”

“It’s okay. I- I give you permission to do it, to break my heart forever.”

“…What?”

She takes my hand, and in-between the tears she smiles at me as if her heart wasn't breaking in two. As if I didn't shatter her dreams for a few sloppy seconds, “It’s okay, I know what I signed up for, I knew it from the beginning. I guess I just didn’t want to accept it. So go ahead, break my heart, break it into a million pieces! I give you permission, Iwaizumi Hajime, please just - don’t leave me.”

I can't say anything, what am I supposed to say? My sweet, sweet girl is hurt and damaged and all she wants is for me to stay. I feel disgusted in a way I never did with Jae, because instead of being used, I am using her.

I bring her into my arms, and say the only words that have actual meaning between us, "I love you, mochi."

"I- I'll do better, I promise. Please YN," He gripped her shoulders tightly, "Please forgive me, I'll do whatever just, I'm so sorry, baby."

He can feel the tears spilling onto his shirt, a scorching pain expanding through his chest at the consequences of his actions. He hurt the one person who didn't deserve it, who he promised to keep safe and happy.

"Hajime, please take a bath, I wanna sleep without the smell of Jae."

His heart dropped at her words, he forgot that he had just upped and left from Jae's, only changing his clothes for comfort. His skin still smelled like her. As he separated from her, he kissed her forehead, "Join me?"

-

He laid on the bed with her hours later, her head on his chest where he could see her puffy eyes. She had washed him thoroughly to the point were he thought she had scrubbed him raw, and he couldn't blame her - he wanted to do the same since the beginning.

He pulled her closer, practically on top of him and felt her heartbeat against his own. He had done something terrible and he needed to fix it, fix this. So he needed to take the first step.

to lil jae: for someone who says they love me, u sure like to make me miserable. i don't know why u hate yn so much and tbh i don't care anymore. i don't want to see u or talk to u ever again. if u contact me, i'm gonna get a restraining order, jae. i can't do this anymore.

to lil jae: goodbye jae.

do you wish to block this number?

yes.

Remorse is memory awake, Her companies astir,— A presence of departed acts At window and at door.

Its past set down before the soul,         And lighted with a match, Perusal to facilitate Of its condensed despatch.

Remorse is cureless,—the disease Not even God can heal;         For ’t is His institution,— The complement of hell.

Remorse is memory awake - Emily Dickinson

taglist ! @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

a/n! *hands you all this and runs* i'll see you soon for chp11~

but in all seriousness, i wrote this chapter with my heart on my sleeve. love is truly the strongest curse and for it to be unrequired? imagine it.

now, i'm off to write the next part! and i am sorry :) ♥

[shigarakis-fifth-hand]

The "Better Half" ; A Poly KiriBaku x Reader Fanfic

Enjoy the series | one two three four five

You walked into the room, flustered from Kirishima, and excited to check out your name that was all over social media. You even had your own Facebook Fan Club Group. Quickly, your mom gave you juice and sat you down, wanting to talk about everything. 

She sat by your side on the 2-person-couch, scrolling through fan art, fan group stuff, video footage, and such. I was already on famous birthdays, and had fan accounts on twitter.

You had gained thousands of people who had found and leaked your social media accounts, and had gotten hundreds of dms from classmates, teammates, and family friends. Everyone wanted a piece of the action.

“My baby!! With popularity like this, UA is bound to hear about you!! Gosh, my baby is going to go off and become the World’s Greatest Superhero!! The next All Might!” Inko excitedly fangirled over you, something rare in fact.

Over the years, with all your academic and physical accomplishments, the three of you had gotten so used to Inko ignoring you to give praise to Izuku, since he got none from others while you were practically worshipped for everything you did.

Yet now, as Izuku stared at you two from the kitchen, he saw how happy Inko truly was about you. How her eyes lit up, and her smile was bright. She was practically glowing. As a mother, this was how you were supposed to act.

But with Izuku, this never happened, no matter the act his mom put on. The highest grade he got was A-‘s, and never got all-A-honor-roll like you. 

He never had won a science fair like you, entered a states-level championship like you, gotten 1st place at a swim meet, or been voted Class President every year in middle school.

Izuku realized now how much his mother truly wanted to celebrate everyone of your milestones. How she wanted to be that mom with the perfect child, and shout it to the world. The only reason she didn’t was because of Izuku’s feelings.

Because Izuku didn’t do anything remotely close to you. Izuku was the reason his mother couldn’t be happy with her perfect daughter. It was because Izuku was so useless that neither of you had ever become close to one another.

When Inko was finally done, she sent you up the stairs to bed, saying to get rest for your big day of training tomorrow. “Hey mom, is-“ Izuku poked his head out to talk, only to get interrupted by Inko.

“One second sweetie. Yuno’s mom Michi is calling me. She’s one of the cool moms!” Inko smiled, quickly bringing the phone to her ear and racing out of the room. Izuku sighed sadly before turning and going upstairs to you. He walked into your room and leaned against the doorway.

“Soooo… What did you do while you were out?” Izuku asked, grinning as you continued to text on your phone. You brought it away from your face, fake-thought, and shook your head. 

“Just rode around for awhile. Why?” You asked, looking up at your brother. Izuku was taken back, surprised by your secrecy. Since birth, you two had told each other almost everything, but now… “Come on, I know something happened.”

Izuku began to walk over and sit on your bed when you looked up at him angrily. “Izuku, nothing happened! Stop being such a creep!” You harshly yelled, very annoyed by him prying. You did not want to talk to Izuku about boys, especially now.

Izuku stopped, shocked and hurt by your angry words. “I… okay then. Hey, I was thinking that maybe after school we could-“ He was interrupted by you looking up from your phone again, very agitated.

“I’m sorry, my schedule is packed tomorrow. I have training with my new coach and then I’m hanging out with a friend. Can it wait?” You asked as he felt his heart shatter, the wind being knocked out of him.

“Y-Yep.” Izuku whispered as he began to walk out. “Wait, Izuku!” You yelled, jumping up and running to him in the doorway. Izuku turned, happy to get your attention. Now would be when you would either apologize or want to reschedule plans for another time.

“Did you get my homework from Math and Science?” You asked, fidgeting with a pen while you stood there. “No, I’m sorry. I was just so shaken. up and I-“ You nudged Izuku angrily.

“Baka!! You were shook up? Gosh Izuku, I ruin my favorite relationship for you and you can’t even help me out?” You slammed the door in front of him and locked it. Izuku could hear you return to your bed, plop down, and eat another Pocky stick.

Snap! Crunch.

Izuku stood there, unable to believe what had just happened. Did you just… No. You were just having a mood swing again. It was no big deal… right?

Izuku stood there, listening to you talk to your friends on the phone. You giggled, laughed, and gossiped like normal. It was as if your twin brother hadn’t even gone to the hospital that day.

Izuku began to walk downstairs, only to hear his mother on the phone as well. Nobody cared, and nobody wanted to talk to him. Izuku began to waddle back to his bedroom and open his phone.

0 new messages. 0 new notifications. Just like usual, of course. Izuku began scrolling through the News, looking at all the articles about his sister, when a different article came up.

Teen suicide rate rises to all time high of 19%

Immediately, Izuku began sobbing as he brought a pillow to his face. Izuku had always had tendencies to not want to live, but had also always been scared of death. He had nothing to protect himself with after all.

He wanted to die, but the very thought of it scared him. About to fall asleep, Izuku heard a ping on his phone. How unusual… Izuku brought it to his face, happy to see it was a text from you. ‘Need 2 talk’.

Seconds later, you walked in silently and laid on the rug at his feet. “The first time… when I was attacked, ya know? I ran into the city and got lost. I was terrified. So, since I like high places, I climbed a rusty iron ladder up over 20 stories to the roof.” 

You explained, closing your eyes and reimagining the breathtaking view. 

“It was the red brick office building, the one with the faded Insurance logo on the front, and the rusty ladder on the right side. Gosh, you should have been there Izu. The wind was in my hair, and I was taller than the birds. I felt so connected to it…”

You trailed off, once again getting lost in your thoughts of the view.

 “An-An-Anyways, back to what I was saying!! After I got attacked, I ran all over. And then I met All Might! H-He talked to me about becoming a hero, and then tonight, he offered to train me!!” You smiled at Izuku as he gave you his best fake-grin.

“I’m going to start training with him everyday until the UA entrance exam, and then I’ll get in!!” You jumped up excitedly as Izuku finally let his smile break apart. “But… what about Mom and I?” He asked you as your grin softened.

“Well, I know I’ll miss you, but I need to learn about going on my own. We’re going to be adults very soon, and I need to separate now. Plus, it’ll only be four years, and I’ll be living at home. We won’t be strangers.” You explained, but he wasn’t convinced.

“So… you really want to go to UA?” He asked, staring you right in the eye, hoping you’d deny. Izuku hoped more than anything that you would say no, and that you wouldn’t leave him. You wouldn’t abandon him, all alone while you pursue your dreams.

“Yes Izuku, I really do. I really think it’ll be good for me. I know you don’t think it’s good but I do.” You began to protest as Izuku stood up. “It might be good for you but what about us? What about you and me?!” Izuku cried out as you turned to him.

“To hell with that! I have dreams Izuku! My dream is to go to UA and become a hero! I was always going to do that with my life!” You fought back, growing defensive. “That was my dream too!” Izuku yelled as you suddenly realized what this was about.

“It’s not my fault you’re quirkless Izu.” You murmured as Izuku began crying. “It’s not my fault either! I don’t want this Ichiko! You can’t leave! You’re all I have!” Izuku began sobbing as you became cold. “Then find something else Izuku. We’re not children anymore.”

You stormed out, slamming your bedroom door behind you. Izuku stood there, frozen with emotion. How had a simple talk gone so bad? He just needed you to know how he felt. You just wanted to talk to him about the future.

Most importantly, you twol had argued. You two never argued. It just wasn’t like you to fight, especially in such a screaming sensation like that. 

Izuku’s mind kept replaying the last sentence you had told him before storming out. ‘Then find something else Izuku.’ That had obviously been you telling him to stop being so attached to you.

You had said something about not being children anymore, and now that Izuku thought about it, it all made sense. The way you and Bakugo had become romantic, the way the childhood bullying had intensified, and the way you were slowly drifting away from him.

You were growing up, while Izuku was staying in his childhood. He was still pretending like he could become a hero with his stupid future notebook, and trying to exchange secrets like kids while you went on dates with boys and were training with All Might.

Deku just felt abandoned, sad, and lonely. The people he had put his love in had left him sad and heartbroken. He shut his door and covered himself in blankets, trying to fall asleep when he got visions.

“It was the red brick office building, the one with the faded Insurance logo on the front, and the rusty ladder on the right side.” Izuku got up, frazzled and horrified. Why… Why did he remember those words specifically?

Down the road from the town square, just look for it. Oh god, Izuku had to get out and get some air. He needed to get these horrible thoughts out of his head. He quickly got up, put on his sandals, and ran out. 

“I need to get some air Mom!” He yelled at her, but as he looked back to the living room, he saw her sitting at the table, talking away on the phone. Nobody will even notice… Nobody will ever care if I’m gone.

The night passed when you woke up to your alarm clock, like every other day. This day was different, in fact, today was exciting. Over 1000 notifications shown on your phone, you had your first training session with All Might, and tonight, you would get to see Kirishima. You were ecstatic to say the least.

You put on a new uniform that wasn’t coated in slime, brushed your curls, and did your light makeup of mascara, blush, and tinted chapstick. You quickly ran downstairs, bag in hand, to see your tired brother sitting on the couch. 

You grabbed him and yourself a protein bar and ran out, waving to your mom. On the walk there, Izuku seemed tired and sluggish, as if he hadn’t slept well. You choose not to ask, not wanting him to grow anymore agitated after your fight the night before. 

So you didn’t talk, simply walking the short 3 minute stroll to the gates of your junior high. As soon as you walked through the gates, you were bombarded with your friends, and other classmates crowding around you. In the mix of it, Izuku disappeared from your side.

The topics varied, from your best friends wanting to talk about Bakugou and your safety from the attack, to your admirers wanting to talk about how you defeated a villain, and then of course how it was to meet All Might. Behind a corner, you could see Bakugo glaring at you, watching.

You almost lost your voice throughout the day, talking up a storm with everyone who wanted to talk to you. You were a hero, popular in the media, and someone who radiated girl-power after yelling at Bakugou, the most feared student in the school.

Off in the corner of your eye, you saw Bakugo in the lunch line, ignoring his “friends” and staring off at you once again. Did he feel sorry? Did he miss you? Had he heard about everything? This had been the longest you had gone far without talking.

Lunch time was the first time you got some peace to yourself. You sat at the table with 10 of your good friends, finally able to talk about something good. Bakugo would have been there, but like usual, he was serving detention in the office. 

You began eating your bento when Izuku came around the corner from a hallway. “Hey Ichiko, I’m not feeling well. I think I'm going to go home for the day.” You gave him a confused look as he smiled, as if trying to hide something.

“I’m just so tired, and shook up.” You nodded, understanding as Izuku went to leave, but turned back to you. “Just know that whatever happens isn’t your fault. I love you Ichi.” He waved and left, not giving you time to speak. Weird...

Your friends quickly joined you, and you were finally able to go back to normal conversation about teachers, boys, and of course your friend’s drama with their boyfriends or girlfriends. Life was simple, but unfortunately, lunch ended as soon as it started.

You began walking in the hall with one of your friends, going to class, when she began talking about boys. “Kano and I tried but we just didn’t work out. And then Hikaru, the one I told you about with the longer hair, told me that he has a boyfriend which just makes no sense. Like, he’s gay??”

You laughed at your friend's story as you began walking to class. “What about you? Now that Bakugo is out of the picture, who do you have your eye on?” She asked as you giggled, instantly being reminded of Kiri.

“Well, there’s this-“ Before you could say his name, Bakugo slammed the door from the detention room in front of you. “I fucking knew it! Who is it?! Who the fuck has black hair and it still just soooo attractive?!” He screamed, earning everyone’s attention.

“You like him enough to kiss him on the cheek! Huh?! Who the fuck is it?! I swear I’ll rip them to pieces!” Bakugo screamed as you looked at him, unable to comprehend how he knew about Kiri.

“How do you- You’re such a stalker! Were you following me last night?” You asked as Bakugo’s eyes widened. “Tell me who it is!” He screamed as you shook your head. “No! Stay away from me you creep!” You felt your friend put her arm around you and walk you away from him.

Bakugo sighed angrily, watching you walk away without him. With all the eyes in the hallway on him, he stormed off to his next class. You couldn’t help but feel confused. Was he jealous? Was he hurt? Why did you care so much? You missed him…

You walked through the rest of your classes, all eyes on you after being called out for having a mysterious guy friend. It felt strange and weird, yet at the same time you couldn’t wait to see Kiri tonight.

When you walked into your final class, a sense of emotion walked over you. The last day of junior high before high school… it felt so surreal and fake at the same time. You were excited for the future, but scared.

You gave flowers to your favorite teachers, hugged all your friends and classmates, and took many photos. You were just so excited and sad, it was very bittersweet to leave a place you had gone every day for 3 years.

The worst part was the memories. Here, you have become your own person. You had found your own style, your own clique of friends, and your identity. Here, you had realized that you would become a hero.

Yet again, everyday here had been spent with Katsuki by your side. Six school dances, three school festivals, 4 class field trips, and many times when you would hang out behind the school together.

Finally, the day was over, and you were able to walk out into your first second of Summer. Of course, all the thoughts of relaxation were interrupted by a friendly blonde man by the entrance. 

You were walking out with your friends when one of them looked at something behind you. “Ichi… Do you know that man?” He asked as you turned to see All Might in his weak form, smiling and waving ecstatically. 

You smiled, relieved, and nodded. “Yep, that’s my… uncle. Anyways, I’ll call you guys later. We have training to do.” You explained as a girl to your left smiled. “Ahh yes, you are a hero in the making according to Channel 5 News after all.”

You waved to your group before running over to All Might who leaned against the school gate. “Young Ichiko, you’re looking well after last night.” He grinned warmly as you nodded. “Yea, I’ve had a pretty… eventful day.” You smiled back as you began walking.

He explained to you how he would train you to the max in hopes of making you as powerful as possible for the entrance exam, and would even train you past that until you succeeded him. He also told you about how he was going to be a UA teacher, and would keep a close eye on you always.

You two walked to the quiet beach, and began. He made you move rocks with him standing on it, threw things at you with speed and made you stop them, and of course made you go underwater and control the oxygen to keep you from getting wet.

It was hard, eventful, and left you dramatically breathing, almost gasping for air. And yet, after, you weren’t done. He made you throw rocks into the air and sent them as far as possible. He made you manipulate the ground, and use it to make you faster. 

You also began running miles on the road, All Might flying above you to shout empty commands and uplifting remarks. It was all hard, and you were so tired, but you would do anything to become a hero like him.

Finally, when it was over three hours after school, you fell to your knees, feeling your heartbeat in your eyes and like you were about to throw up. “Well, I guess we can stop here. That was a very good first day, I'm excited to see how you improve tomorrow.”

He grinned, sitting on a rock nearby. All Might stood and helped you back to your feet. “You look just pitiful. Come now, let me buy you some food.” All Might held onto your arm to keep you up as you both began to walk to a nearby café in town.

He bought you a sandwich and a smoothie, tipping the cashier a 20$ bill. Being the 1# hero in the world had its perks financially of course, and All Might was rolling in the dough.

You two walked to a park bench, and sat down happily. You had a lot of fun with All Might, and he enjoyed his time with you. He likes hearing about your life, and your crazy stories. He liked it when you talked about your friends, and your brother.

You were just talking about the one time your friend and you jumped off waterfalls in Hawaii and then had to run from a water snake when you got a text message from Izuku. Your face froze, and your heart rate accelerated.

“Young Ichiko, are you alright?” All Might asked, noticing your happy demeanor turn dark. You stared at your phone as you began shaking. “Oh god, Ichiko?! Are you hurt?” All Might asked as he turned to look at your phone screen. “Oh dear.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“Tell mom I love her.”

“Goodbye.”

Instantly, you quickly went to your tracking app that you had with Izuku and your mom, and looked at Izuku’s location. “He’s… just down the street from the town square. In the Kyoko Insurance Firm?” All Might asked, confused and worried like you. “No… he’s on the building I told him about.”

You jumped up and turned to All Might. “Can you fly?” You asked him as she shook his head. “I used up all my time for the day.” He explained as you began running into town. 

“I just have to run.” You sighed and began running into town, ignoring the burning in your legs and keeping your eyes on your phone. Through the town square, deep into two alleyways, and then down the street. You could already see a small group forming at the base of the building, looking up.

You threw yourself onto the ladder and climbed as fast as possible to the top. It only took a minute before you were staring at your brother who stood on the edge. “You shouldn’t have come here Ichi. I already said goodbye.”

You began to step forward as he turned around to face you. “Izuku, don’t do this. I promise you, you don’t want to kill yourself.” You pleaded as he stared bullets. “My life is useless Ichiko. I’m not athletic. I’m not smart. I’m not powerful.”

You began crying, shaking your head as you heard All Might come up behind you. “Izuku, if you jump off this building I’ll jump too.” You threatened as he shook his head and laughed. “No you won’t. You’re not stupid. Your life is meaningful. You have a bright future Ichiko.” 

The tears kept coming as you shook your head, pleading with him. “Izuku, how can I live the life we dreamed of without you?” You asked as he smiled warmly. “Live life to the fullest, and have no regrets. Live it for the both of us.” Before you could speak, Izuku leaned back off the building.

Like time was slowing down, you ran as fast as you could towards the edge of the building and reached for his hand. The look in his face showed peace as he closed his eyes. You let your arm reach for his, but we’re unable to reach.

As All Might watched this, he felt a rush in his blood as he grew to his hero-form and ran to you. Flying off the building, he was able to use his last ounce of energy to reach his hand around your waist and keep both him and you in the air.

Unfortunately for them both, it gave you a front row seat as you watched her twin brother fall to his death. You cupped your hands around your mouth, your eyes glued to his limp body that laid on the sidewalk.

Screams of horror and worry could be heard below as everyone ran to Izuku. Slowly, All Might lowered you to the sidewalk in the middle of the group. Instantly, you all were recognized. You dropped to your knees, unable to speak or move.

You lightly poked his arm, begging for a response. “I-Izu?” You gasped as blood began to fill uniform shirt. “No! Someone call an ambulance! Somebody, please!” You screamed as loud as you could, fighting against All Might who began to hold you back.

“Young Ichiko, there’s no use.” He whispered as you shook your head, trying your best to fight your way out of his grip. “No! No! He’s not dead! I need to help him, let me go!”

All Might finally twisted you around to face him and spoke to you. “He’s dead Ichiko! He’s dead, and I’m so sorry.” You began crying as you hugged him tightly. “Come now, let’s get you home. You shouldn’t have to see this.” 

All Might began flying you home in his hero form, finally reaching your driveway. You could see that by then, your mother had run out, even leaving the door open on her way to the car.

With the sun setting in the background, All Might sat you on the front porch with him, and let you two sit in silence. Just as All Might was about to say something, dozens of cars pulled up to the street in front, allowing camera men and reporters to spill out.

Obviously, you should have known that the 1# hero and a media sensation in the same place would bring attention. 

“Miss Midoryia, is it true that you witnessed your brother’s suicide?” One asked, not passing the curb to the house but filming you two. “All Might, how do you feel about not being able to save her brother?” Another man asked, trying to get his microphone as close to them as possible.

“I’ll get them out, do not-“ All Might was interrupted by someone rushing through the crowd. “Ichiko?! Ichiko?! Oh my god!” Kirishima pushed through the crowd and ran to you in a hurry. “Are you okay? Why are all these people here? Oh… All Might?”

When he and All Might made eye contact, All Might smiled warmly at you. “I can tell you’re in good hands. I’m going to get these reporters away from here. See you later Young Ichiko.” 

He patted your head and smiled sadly before flying off. Sure enough, more than half the cars followed along. “Shh…Shh.” Kirishima wipes the tears from under your eyes lovingly.

He brought a blanket from your living room and held your hand. “I’m supposing you saw.” You whispered weakly, your voice shaking harshly as Kirishima nodded slowly. “Y-Yea. Oh Ichiko, I’m so sorry.” He wrapped his arms around you as you cuddled on the outdoor porch swing.

“You want to go inside?” Kirishima asked as you shook your head. “I can’t. It reminds me of him too much.” You explained as he sadly held you in his arms. You watched the sun set over the hills, and cuddled deeper into Kirishima.

It was until it grew dark, and you got a call from Mitsuki. Kirishima picked it up and held it to your ear. “Hey Baby. Your mom and I are going to be out for a while, but your mom ordered something pizza for the house for you to eat while we’re gone.”

Mitsuki explained as you nodded. “Okay. W-Wait, can you ask Mom if I can have a friend spend the night?” You asked as Kirishima’s eyes lit up. “She’s not here right now, but I’ll give you permission. It’s not safe for you to be alone right now sweetie.”

And with that, Mitsuki hung up. “D-Do you want to go inside?” Kirishima asked nervously with a blush, noticing you shivering. You nodded, and without even trying, Kirishima picked you up bridal style and brought you inside. 

He sat you on the bar stool, and got you a glass of water from the kitchen. You smiled in a comfortable silence as small tears kept streaming down your face. “D-Do you want a tour?” You tried to smile as Kirishima leaned against the counter. “Of course.”

You got up and grabbed onto his arm as you walked around. “This is the kitchen, and living room. That small room over there is the plant room where all the sunlight is.” You showed him the smaller room with a music speaker and lots of windows.

Upstairs, you began to walk down the hallway. “Here’s my mom’s room, here’s the bathroom, here’s…” You turned to look into the All Might filled, grey room with a welcome sign on the front of the door.

Just thinking of it, you remembered just that morning when you had gone to talk to him. You had told him about your plans for UA, and he had gotten upset. He had been fearful about you two leaving each other. Did that have anything to do with him killing himself?

Seeing you were about to cry, Kirishima put his arm around your waist and pulled you close. You snapped out of it and began walking again. “This is the bathroom. You can shower whenever.” You both blushed as you got to your bedroom.

“Here’s my room.” You began to walk in, causing him to follow you. Your room was a large light painted room with a queen bed next to your huge window with a desk, a full-body mirror, and led lights. You had a big closet, and you had a lot of plants all around.

“Super cute.” Kirishima looked around your room before peering out the window. “There’s… a big tree right there.” He commented as you turned and smiled at him. “Good t know.” He played it off like it was nothing but you knew what he was talking about.

You sat on the bed together, resting your head on his shoulder. “It hurts…” You whispered, feeling the tears building up again. Everything you looked at seemed to remind you of him again and again.

“I know. And it will for a while, but it’s going to be okay. Things have a way of having a good ending, even if it’s bittersweet.” Kirishima tried his best to make you feel better, and in some way, it worked.

You grabbed a blanket and threw it over you two before laying back onto the bed. Kirishima slowly followed, embarrassed yet wanting to lay down with you. You cuddled against him with his back to the window, facing him and cuddling against him. 

You two decided to turn on the tv in your room and give the airless tension with background noise. He wiped your tears, told you funny stories, and made you feel better. He was good at comforting you when you felt at your worst moment.

From the street, Katsuki stared up at the window as he sat on the street curb. He had tried to come by early when the driveway had been filled with reporters, but yet again, the black-haired douche was right there with you.

Now, he had tried to come check on you, cake in hand, when he saw you cuddling with Mr.-I-have-long-black-shiny-hair. Not only that, but in bed. At night. WITHOUT INKO THERE. Katsuki refused to be replaced for his girl by some extra.

Comment if you liked it!!

@drbumpkin @bleachbetch @toobsessedsstuff @turtle-deku @1madxson1 @badb1hh @lilacskyura @thesuitelifeofafangirl

[squeevening]

Ghosts in the Machine: on Love and Loss in Digital Spaces

I am mourning a friend. I sobbed myself to sleep last night, which is objectively silly, because my friend hasn’t died. He hasn’t left me; only the digital platform I’ve been living on for close to a decade, but my heart whispers, “Isn’t that kind of the same thing?” and the more I examine why I feel that way, the more melancholy I feel. Because it feels like an ending, and it has felt that way since the very beginning of digital platforms, and I think there’s more truth in that than we know how to talk about. I think maybe we need to talk about it.

So. This is one of those stories that starts, “To tell you this story, I have to start with a different story.” For those of you who are children of the digital age; where “meatspace” has always had a digital counterpart, this will sound impossible, but I am a child of the seventies. When I grew up, in middle school and junior high and high school, there were no cell phones; no internet, no social media. If you were lucky you got to use the telephone, coiling that long, corkscrew cord around your arm under your Mom’s desk, and if you were unlucky like me, your friends played sports and D&D without you, because you weren’t allowed to go. 

We wept when high school ended, my best friend and I, because we knew then what no one seems to understand now; the change in physical geography most of us were about to undertake meant the end of friendships. A fading out, at the very least, or a complete loss, probably, and what we knew in our bones came true as we dispersed like grains of sand to colleges or jobs or parts unknown. We graduated from High School in 1992. Facebook would not be created until twelve years later, in 2004, and by then, at least for me, the recurring dreams about running into lost friends would have been a decade old and still going strong.

I left for college at seventeen, with undiagnosed depression and a childhood of oppressive, controlling home life. At seventeen, I was almost free, and I did what any child might have under the same circumstances; I sought the socialization I had long been denied. I made friends. In-person friends that were up all night, that would play video games with me on my new snazzy computer; a top-of the line four-eighty-SIX with four HUNDRED and twenty five megabytes of disk space. We were free and we were spectacular, and one by one we dropped like flies, invited to depart this fine academic institution if we could not do any better than THIS at our GPA’s. Which just did not seem that important compared to the endless serotonin of friendship and crushing digital opponents all night in an endless slumber party, pairing and repairing in our unchaperoned, co-ed dorms. In those early days, my gaming partner in crime for most of a year had already flunked out and lived nearby in an off-campus apartment.

As you might imagine, I struggled to care about my grades. I lost my scholarship, but I pulled in as much financial aid as it had offered because my family was dirt poor. But I couldn’t stay afloat, and soon I, too, was invited to leave and ended up off-campus, spiraling into depression in a shitty apartment with a roommate I found on a paper flyer with tear-off tabs, where my share of the rent was two hundred and twenty five dollars a month. Which I struggled to pay. Can you imagine? I got a job at a Burger King, over three miles away, and I walked there every night and home at one am every night, and then I logged onto my 486 with it’s terrible non-ergonomic keyboard, pressed the key to dial the numbers on the telephone line with my 14.4 baud modem, and I found my new friends.

Those were heady days, kids, and hard to explain now that the internet is always at our fingertips. You needed an actual phone number, gleaned from chats in these Multi User Dungeons (MUDS), which we called dungeons. They were text-based hangouts, kind of like Discord servers, but each one was run on someone’s home computer, so you were literally calling their house to enter their space and hang out in their room, and that feeling never left me. 

Those kids saved my life, probably, offering friendship at my lowest point, all of us with the kind of made-up names that still persist today - never our real names, always silly aliases invented and kept across multiple platforms so you could recognize your friends and see if they were on, to chat the night away, burning permanent injury into your carpal tunnels on your shitty non-ergonomic keyboards, sharing small intimacies and human connection in these primitive digital spaces. 

These places were where I discovered the indescribable thrill of intimacy to be given the gift of someone’s real name. The way it felt to reveal your name to a new friend, deemed worthy, like a fantasy world where real names hold magical powers, and for us, they did. I spent countless hours hanging out with people whose names I cannot remember now, who meant the world to me, until one day was the last day and none of us knew it, never to see one another again. That feeling never left me either.

Fast forward a few years. There was an administrator at my college who believed in me; who kept my name enrolled by some trick of her computer wizardry, until I got my shit together and went back for my Bachelor’s. I had a boyfriend by then, the one I would eventually marry; depressed Caitlin was always surprisingly skilled at holding down the fort until I could take the reins again. (At least in the ways that mattered, paying rent and maintaining personal relationships - not silly, ephemeral things like grades or classwork.) I graduated with honors, and while the friends I made in the classrooms faded away again as we dispersed, I made other friends that persisted in real life; that I shared Sunday nights with huddled around our television watching the XFiles, and those were heady days again.

My boyfriend and I got married. We moved out to a house we could afford 45 minutes away from college while I pursued my Master’s, and friendship went a little digital again, this time with a little window on my desktop. My sister came to stay with us when we lost my younger brother, and we all clung to our shitty internet like we were drowning, which, in a lot of ways, we were. No program ever went fullscreen on my computer, because even with the shitty satellite internet out in the rambling farmland of Vermont (BURN IN HELL, HUGHESNET), there was always that little box I kept my husband in, on my computer screen. 

Facebook became a thing, and I was delighted. It was too download-heavy for our internet but I used it enough to find my High School friends and put a welcome end to those recurring dreams of running into them, now that they were a decade older and none of the pictures looked like the people I remembered anyway. I found some of my college friends in it. My sister and I talked to my other brother who had gone to college in the far South on it. I felt like we were all keeping in touch, and I remember vividly the feeling of rejection when my brother quit facebook. It was the room we hung out in; the space we shared our status updates, and he didn’t want to talk to us anymore.

We wheedled. He made an account that he checked now and then on work days. He rejected the internet at his new home to commune better with nature and keep his kids from getting addicted, and closed the door on that era of close ties; a downgrading of that connection. For a while he kept a blog about how his kids were doing, but eventually he turned off the rss push, I don’t remember why, and those update emails stopped coming.

The blog is still up, he protested. Check it! But it obviously wasn’t meant for me, since it didn’t send me messages anymore, and my undiagnosed ADHD forgot it existed; another downgrading of the relationship.

A decade ago, you could pop out message boxes from most websites, another loss I grieve today but I’m getting ahead of myself. I found the show Supernatural, and I watched it, alone on my treadmill, until I chatted with an acquaintance at a wedding we were both attending, who also happened to be in the same SEASON, some six or seven years into the show. We bonded. I went to her house to watch it. Another little chat box joined my desktop, with her in it, for about two years. My best friend from college lived in the same town as my new friend; I harangued her until she watched Supernatural too. We both went to my new friend’s to watch. Another little box joined my desktop, and now I had an embarrassment of riches. Those little boxes kept me company for years while I worked from home, alone in my downstairs office on my shitty internet. Like the old days.

Supernatural slowly helped me grieve the brother I had lost ten years prior to suicide, but that’s another story. I slowly unlocked the box I’d stored my humanity in, and started to grow as a person, something that had stalled for ten years. My friends and I did GISH. Gish made me join twitter, and I found a new room to replace the side windows, a wonderful room, a room I could hang out with a bunch of friends with and bond over this show, and I suppose fight over this show too, in all the ways we do even now, with our show undead and refusing to be gone.

All my little boxes that wouldn't pop out anymore anyway became that one big box, with all of my friends in it, just like in the early nineties. Some of the stars and writers of Supernatural would sometimes come into the room, and you could send them love, unheard of in my XFiles days. It was magical and heady and I wasted a ton of time in there - or it was time well spent, who can say - building friendships, one hundred and forty characters at a time. 

But every now and then, you log in and you don’t know it, but it’s the last time you will ever see one of the little lights in that box. The people you love wink out. We’ve had a pandemic going for two years. You don’t know if those lights are gone forever or taking a mental health break - sometimes they just don’t show up anymore. 

And now we’re caught up. It’s been three plus years since I started writing stories and posting them online, a magical time for me that has been creatively very fulfilling, but also led to several friendships I deeply treasure. There’s a column in my twitter interface for direct messages, and those are the tiny windows on my monitor; chat histories spanning literal years. Intimacies and secrets whispered, bonds built, sentence by sentence. Over a pandemic, even, in which I’ve clung to the sparks in those little boxes so hard I feared wringing them dry.

My first writing partner on twitter needed space. She had a lot going on at home and in my clumsy attempts to be understanding I pulled back too hard and gave her too much space and now I don’t know how to fix it, and I grieve. She’s not in that room anymore.

Eight years after joining twitter I was invited to my first writer’s chat room. It was a lovely six weeks or thereabouts, I think, before we outgrew the space, and they all moved to Discord. I sobbed like a baby. A few weeks later I installed the program and poked around in it, with its dozens of rooms, nothing like that one room we’d all banged around in all together for weeks. I’m trying really hard to stay connected, but they are in a different tab now, that I have to remember to check, and it’s not the same and it will never be the same.

And now my dearest friend has quit twitter, I think for good this time, and it’s almost impossible to describe the devastation I’m feeling. The room feels so empty without him. The chat box no longer keeps me company on my monitor; I can’t pretend he’s inside it.  We’ve written several books together, and I’ve clung to him harder than I probably should have, and now I’m facing that downgrade of a digital friendship again and I don’t know how to get through it this time.

He has a discord. I made a tab just for him and I tried to connect with him there, but on this last Friday, a publishing day, one I anticipated for months, he never happened to come online. I worried, and then I ached, and then I grieved.

He’s alright, he just never logged into the work computer he has discord on. I found him by text message, and he said that’s the best way to reach him, so I guess he lives inside my phone now. The phone with barely any reception in my office. The one without a keyboard, that I can’t cut and paste into; the one that takes me ages to type into with my thumbs. The little room on my monitor is empty, and my heart is empty, and when I write I feel alone, for the first time since I met him.

I don’t know how to explain it in a way that makes a lick of sense. But I felt it when my brother quit facebook and I feel it every time someone leaves the digital room I’m in and it feels ineffable. Unrecoverable. A downgrading of an intimacy, from friends who once sat in the room with me all day every day, at least in my mind, to old friends who won’t know what I’ve been talking about or thinking about, people I still love but who sit in a different room now, one I’m not in; one across the hall, maybe. We’ll yell to each other from our different rooms for a while, probably, but it’ll become less and less frequent, and less and less specific. Until that intimacy fades away, and that name slips down my list of most recent interactions until it fades out of sight, off the bottom of that browser window.

So I am grieving; a loss that no one else will see or understand as a loss, a loss I can’t even really explain. But I can feel it coming, and this one hurts.  

This one’s killing me.

[ah-ga-seven]

Till’ The End of Summer - Chapter 6

>> series masterlist <<

Pairing: Choi Yeonjun x Reader

In a Nutshell: College!AU, Rich Kids, Friends to Lovers, Fuckboy athlete Yeonjun, Overprotective Best friend Soobin, contains all of TXT and other Idol cameos, Omnipresent perspective.

Synopsis: You and Yeonjun are caught up in a cat and mouse game because of unspoken feelings and endless pining for each others’ attention. With the summer break approaching and lots of college parties, will you finally get a chance to explore your feelings for each other; even though the world and Yeonjun’s reputation makes things complicated?

Word count: 7K. (She’s a bit longer.)

Genre: Fluff, Angst, Smuttish content.

Idol Cameos: Ateez Wooyoung.

Warnings: sexy stuff.

A/N: English isn’t my first language, pls don’t come for me ;)

Soobin felt lazier than usual. Being the homebody that he is, he decided against any physical or social activities for the night. Tae, Gyu, and Hueningkai were out and about doing god knows what and Mia went home for the week to spend time with her family.  

He had hoped to spend some time with you but you blew him off earlier today, as did Yeonjun.

Soobin wasn’t quite sure what was going on with Yeonjun but aside from the fact that he was only home to sleep and shower for the past week, it seemed like Yeonjun was genuinely happy.

He was upbeat and smiley whenever he did see him. It’s not like this was unlike Yeonjun’s usual behavior but the level of intensity had increased and Soobin couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

Soobin’s tall figure was taking up all of the space on the couch as he watched a movie, cuddled up in blankets and surrounded by pillows while the only source of light came from the TV. The heavy rain from outside was acting as a form of ASMR, making Soobin’s eyelids grow heavier and heavier by the minute.

He was about to doze off before he heard the front door open. Soobin perked his head up, watching a drenched Yeonjun close the door behind him, turning on the lights, not realizing that Soobin was on the couch.

Soobin swore he heard Yeonjun sniff which made him sit up immediately, his face full of worry as Yeonjun passed through the living room to get to his bedroom with a blank expression on his face.  He didn’t even notice Soobin yet, his mind too occupied with thoughts he wished he didn’t have.

“Hyung?” Soobin cooed, his eyes following Yeonjun’s moping state through the living room.

Yeonjun’s head snapped into Soobin's direction in shock and his eyes grow in size a little, feeling like he got caught.

Soobin indifferently bit his lip, getting up from the couch. He couldn’t see the difference between either the raindrops or teardrops on Yeonjun’s cheeks, so he had to get closer to confirm.

“Yeonjun hyung…” Soobin's voice was soft as he carefully approached, realizing that he was indeed crying.

Yeonjun felt like he was glued to the floor, frozen in place and unable to move, but as Soobin got closer to him, he breaks.  

Soobin facial expression shifted from worry to shock in a heartbeat as he wrapped the older one into a tight hug, letting him weep on his shoulder.

The boys have been through a lot together, and this is definitely not the first time Soobin has seen Yeonjun cry, but it was never as heartbreaking and unbearable to watch as this. Yeonjun’s sobs were drenched with pain and sorrow. The noises being muffled as he buried his face on Soobin’s shoulder.

“H-hyung what's going on, you’re making me worried,” Soobin says as he lightly pats Yeonjun’s back in order to calm him down. He had no idea what was going on but knew that whatever it might be, it’s not to be taken lightly.  

Yeonjun let go of Soobin, throwing his head back as he tries to sniff his tears back into his head. Soobin cautiously lingered around him, in case his emotions would erupt again. He rubbed his back in up and down motions. Waiting for Yeonjun to calm down enough so he could start explaining what was going on.  

Yeonjun collects himself quickly, leaning against the kitchen counter as he buries his face in his hands.  

He was frustrated with himself. He was frustrated with his tears and frustrated with the fact that Soobin had to see him this way. Vulnerability isn’t something Yeonjun loves to display. Being the oldest of the group and having to take care of himself from a young age made that difficult for him.

But given the distraught look on Soobin’s face, Yeonjun knew he couldn’t just let this go.

They sat at the dinner table together for hours. Talking about anything and everything that resonated with Yeonjun’s childhood. Yeonjun truly poured his whole heart out, sniffing through the tears that were a result of his bottled-up emotions. Of course, Soobin knew of Yeonjun’s estranged relationship with his parents but Yeonjun never told him or the other boys why that is. Neither did Soobin know It bothered him so much due to the fact that Yeonjun never talks about it, or seems upset.  

Soobin couldn’t help but shed a tear or two himself. Knowing that one of his closest friends was going through something like this all by himself was heartbreaking. Though Soobin couldn’t be happier that Yeonjun opened up to him, he wished he knew about this sooner.

All the times that Soobin couldn’t figure out why Yeonjun acted the way he did in some situations became clear as day to him. Even though it isn’t his fault at all, Soobin couldn’t help but blame himself for not being there for Yeonjun more often.  

“I wished you would have told me sooner…” Soobin dabbed his wet eyes with the long sleeves of his shirt as he looked the older one in his eyes.

Yeonjun just nodded, lost in thought while staring into the distance.  

“It’s not something I want to be reminded of, the reason why I decided to live on campus is to be away from it all. This school, the team; it’s a way to forget.”

“What made you want to talk about it now?” Soobin asks cautiously. He didn’t want to make Yeonjun feel like he was pushing him to speak up more. But curiosity was getting the better of him.  

If Yeonjun didn’t feel the need to open up all this time, what changed?

Yeonjun’s eyes dart to Soobin’s equally dark ones.  

Well shit.  

The most important detail that Yeonjun didn’t talk about was you. His brain was running extra hard to come up with the perfect excuse, but he couldn’t think of one fast enough.

“You know, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be asking so many questions.”

Yeonjun’s shoulders fell in relief. Not wanting to lie to Soobin in a moment like this.  

“It goes without saying that I won’t tell anyone about this.”

“I know you won’t,” Yeonjun cracks a smile. “Not even to Mia.”  

“Not even to Mia,” Soobin nods.

“That’s so fucking sad,” Mia whines.

“I know,” Soobin huffs, adjusting the phone so he could hear his girlfriend better. “I told him I wouldn’t tell anyone though.”

“Well, I’m basically a part of you so he should’ve known better.”

“But baby, I’m serious. You can’t tell y/n because he will never trust me again if this somehow comes back around to him. Promise me you won’t tell her.”

“I promise,” Mia says, her voice laced with sincerity.  

“Besides it’s not like she cares about him anymore. She hasn’t even mentioned his name since the festival two weeks ago.”  

“I’m glad that’s over before it began. Yeonjun needs to learn how to love himself before he can love anyone else. I really don’t want y/n to be collateral damage to Yeonjuns fucked up mental state,” Soobin says getting comfortable on his bed.  

“Wait…was that too harsh of me to say?” Soobin asks biting his fingernail.

Mia chuckled in response. “You just want the best for both of them, It’s understandable.”

“Ugh I wish you were here with me,” he pouts, earning a giggle from Mia.  “I’ll be back tomorrow night.”

Yeonjun hadn’t texted you the usual I’m home text and it worried you. It was already past 2 AM but you didn’t want to bother him or seem clingy by checking up on him this late.

His Instagram account showed a last seen of 25 minutes ago, meaning he was probably fine, so you decided against contacting him.

You sighed, putting your phone away, ready to close your eyes before you hear your phone buzz on your nightstand. Your eyes shot open wide and you frantically reach for your phone., getting blinded by the brightness of your screen in your dark surroundings.

[Yeonjun, 2:23 AM]: I’m sorry, I forgot to text you. Something came up…

You stare at your screen, unsure of what to write back to him, you thought about what to say for a few minutes, typing and deleting whatever came up in your mind for 4 minutes straight.  You knew it was ridiculous that you were this insecure but you were cautious not to say the wrong thing, given the way he rushed out of your apartment earlier today.

It seemed like Yeonjun had gotten enough of waiting, so he decided to call you instead.

You’re startled at the sound of your ringtone, accepting the call without thinking twice.

“Hi.” His voice was timid and quiet. He sounded sleepy and his voice was a lot cuter than usual.

“Hey…” you greet him with the same tone of voice, a yawn escaping your lips in the process.

The sound made Yeonjun smile to himself, everything you did was adorable to him and he realized that he missed your presence already.

“Is it really stupid and clingy to say that I miss you,” you say shyly, turning yourself on your side so you were more comfortable under your sheets.

Yeonjun smiled at your comment, feeling the exact same way. There was nothing more that he wanted than to hold you close to him right now.

“No, it’s not.” He sighs, stretching his body and putting his arm under his neck for support as he stared at the ceiling.

“If it was up to me, I’d leave and come over again but Soobin basically has me on dog-watch.”  

“Huh, why?”  

“It’s a long story,” Yeonjun says biting his lip, hoping not to throw you off by being mysterious. He just didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“What if I sneak in?” you nervously suggest as you sit up.

“What?”  

“I’ll Uber to you and sneak in… I have Soobin’s spare key in case he lost his own since he always loses his shit. I could literally come in without anyone noticing…”

“I- you’d do that?” Yeonjun says wide-eyed. He was intrigued by your balsiness, and a mischievous grin crept upon his face.

“So that means we’ll be spending the night together?” He bluntly states trying to get you flustered but you huff in response. “You’ll take the floor,” you joke, which earned a sincere laugh from Yeonjun.

“Bet,” he says rolling his eyes.  

His mood shifted to a much brighter one just by talking to you. It was the effect that you had on him. Your funniness and energy worked contagiously, lifting him out of his slump from before. He buried his thoughts about the compatibility of your relationship in the back of his head as he waited for you to respond to him.

The other end of the line stayed silent for a few more seconds and he cocked his eyebrow. “Y/n?”  

“I’m putting on my shoes,” you state as the shuffling noises on your end of the line continue.

Yeonjun couldn’t believe his ears, he thought you were kidding. He should’ve known by now that you’re actually crazy. If the other guys came home at the same time, you’d be busted for sure.  

He swallowed harshly, sitting up in his bed. “Are you sure?”

“I’m on my way.”

You tried to be as silent as humanly possible as you twisted the key in their front door.  

You kept looking over your shoulder, paranoid as fuck that the others could come home at any second. You really didn’t know why you were doing this at the dead of night when you had just seen Yeonjun a few hours ago, but the way he left didn’t sit right with you.  

You wanted to be there for him by being with him, and assure him that when he needed you, that you were there for him. Even if he didn’t ask for it.  

Soobin should be sound asleep since he’s a grandpa, and since it’s past 2 AM, you weren’t too worried, but still. You had to be cautious not to make too much noise which could potentially wake him.

You enter their pitch-black apartment, taking off your shoes at the front door while carrying them with you so the heels of your shoes wouldn’t make any noise on their hard-wooden floor.  

The darkness made it hard to see, but luckily the way to Yeonjun's room was a straight line from the front door.  

You tiptoed your way over, your heart basically pounding in your throat as you slowly twist the door handle to Yeonjun’s bedroom.

Yeonjun was laying on his bed, his arm supporting his head on top of his pillow. He was on his phone but as soon as he heard his door open, and saw you, his eyes widened.

You were dressed in all black, with your hoodie popped looking like you were about to rob him.

When you closed the door behind you and made eye-contact, both of you erupted in silent laughs and giggles.

He got up, wrapping you into his arms as he continued to laugh in your hair quietly.  

“I can’t believe you,” he chuckles as he let go of you, taking a hold of your shoulders to look you in the eyes.  

His eyes were playful and they had a certain amused glisten to them. You melted at the sight of his happy facial expression and sigh.  

“I can’t believe me either,” you giggle.

You take a moment to look around Yeonjun’s room. Their dorm is basically your second home, but you never had a reason to go inside of his room before, until now.

His room was neat, but messy at the same time. Racks filled with clothing and shoes plastered his left wall. The walls were painted in a broken white, while the one where his bed was situated had a dark blue color, making the room look moody yet sophisticated. It wasn’t too big of a space but he made use of it efficiently.  

You situate yourself on his bed, taking a hold of the picture frame on Yeonjun’s nightstand.

You melted at the fact that he had a picture of himself and the boys next to his bed and you couldn’t withhold your adoring noises. “awhhhh, this is so cute of you to do,” you pout up at him teasingly, shaking the frame in front of his face.

He looked at you through hooded eyes, yanking it from your grasp.  

“I’m not cute,” he huffs. “Total manly man.”  

You laugh at his antics as he basically throws himself at you, pinning you down on his bed as he hovers over you, poking your sides in attempt to make you laugh.

You try to be quiet for Soobin’s sake but it was of no use as Yeonjun continued his attack. He muffled your giggles by putting his hand over your mouth as you playfully kicked around and slapped his chest to get him off, he complied when he noticed your lack of being able to breathe, and threw his hands up as a sign of truce.  

He chuckles again as he drops himself down next to you. You sit up, slapping his chest in insincere annoyance as you catch your breath. He whines, rubbing the sore spot with his large hand, acting like he got shot.

“What if someone heard!?” you nag, but Yeonjun just rolls his eyes at you; pulling you down with him so you’re situated on his chest.

He wraps his arms around you and nuzzles his face in your hair, and you instinctively wrap your arms around his waist as well. The two of you just lay there, breathing in each other's scents and enveloping yourselves in each other's warmth for a few minutes before you find yourselves lost in conversation.  

The two of you talked about anything and everything. You noticed how he tried to keep the topics light and airy, nothing too serious or deep. So you just went with it, realizing he was probably doing it on purpose because of the conversation back in your apartment.  

After a while you get up from his bed, stretching your limbs, and walking over to his clothing racks to inspect his coats and shirts. Your eye falls on a leopard print fur coat that was neatly hanging between the less flashy items of clothing. You chuckle while cocking your eyebrow, taking it off the hanger and wrapping it around yourself.

“I didn’t know you had a pet.”  

“You don’t like it?” he flashed you a toothy smile and leaned back to see how the coat engulfed you in its largeness.  

“It’s probably something only you can pull off,” you say in pout as you twirl around in the coat, checking yourself out in the mirror. It was way too large and you knew you looked ridiculous, but you didn’t care. Way too amused with the way it looked on you.

You hear the most dramatic sigh behind you which made you frown and turn around to see Yeonjun looking at you with adoring eyes.

“Why are you literally the most adorable thing,” he says pulling you towards him roughly by the hem of the fur coat.  

You gulp at his sudden dominance and look at him sheepishly.  

“It’s 3.30 AM,” he states out of the blue as he looks at you mischievously.

You give him a questioning look and lean into him. “So?”  

“So…you’re not leaving, are you?”  

“No.”

“So, you’re sleeping with me.”

“….I..well yeah if you don’t mind,” you say tucking a piece of your hair behind your ear.

He scoffed. “If I don’t mind?” he repeats, but then his eyes grow big in realisation, and he starts rambling.

“Wait. You staying over doesn’t mean you need to have sex with me, you know that right. Because I would never push you into anything, you’re not ready for. And I don’t even know how experienced you are, and I’m not saying that you have to be, I’m just-”

“Yeonjun,” you interrupt, shushing him by putting your index finger to his lips.

He looks at you wide-eyed and you chuckle in response. “Shut up.��  

“I mean it y/n. Let’s take something serious for once,' he whines tightening the hold he had on your waist.

“No, let’s not,” you tease him as you straddle him, seductively staring at his lips before you inch closer to his face, softly placing your lips onto his plump ones.  

It was cute to you how worried he was, but the fact of the matter is that you’re not that innocent yourself. You want him, and you don’t really care about the status of your relationship to take this step.  

You’ve been lusting over him since the start of college and now that you have him in the palm of your hands you weren’t just going to waste the perfect opportunity to act on your desires.

You kiss him softly, but the softness disappeared as he melted into the kiss, taking the lead as his hands traveled down to your ass, using it as leverage.  

Something in him wanted to take things slow with you, he wanted to take the brand-newness of your relationship as serious as possible, but he also couldn’t deny that he had been storing away his horniness when around you. Also, the friction of having you straddling him like this didn’t support his philosophy of taking things slowly at all.  

You moan into his mouth and the sound has his mind running wild.

He let himself fall flat to the bed, pulling you with him as you straddled him in a different position.

He tugged at your chin, pulling you in closer while claiming your mouth again, hungrily making his way down your neck with wet open-mouthed kisses as he tugged at your hair in order to give himself full access to the exposed skin of your neck.  

You let out a breathy moan as he finds your sweet spot, making him grin smugly against your skin.

“Enjoying yourself darling?” He teases, which you just nod to in response. Too dazed to give him the real assurance he was looking for.

You were lost for words at how good he was, and how quickly his flustered demeanor shifted to a lust-filled one.  

Your whole body tingled in ecstasy as he wrapped his free hand around your neck while his lips found their way back to yours. His other hand now back on your waist, riding up the hem of your hoodie to dig his nails into your skin.

You moan into his mouth once again, and that just about drives Yeonjun over the edge.  

He basically rips the fur coat off of your frame and swiftly turns you around so your back is now to the bed with him hovering over you.

He pulls up your hoodie, exposing your bra and he buries his face in between your breasts, kissing his way up to your lips again.

"So god damn beautiful," he compliments in between wet kisses, making you moan in response.

He quickly resumes his assault to your mouth and neck, and unknowingly you tug at the waistband of his joggers out of instinct.

He looks down at your hand basically hovering over his crotch and gives you a look of pure mischief. “Someone's needy,” he breathes, giving you a coy smile.

At that, you both hear the front door to their apartment open and he pushes himself off of you immediately, leaving you dazed and entirely too horny to not be annoyed at the interruption.  

“Shit.” Yeonjun huffs as he runs his hand through his hair. “You need to hide.”  

“What? Why?” you say pulling down your hoodie again as you look at him with big eyes.

“My light is on, meaning I’m awake, meaning that Hyuka will probably come into my room to hug me goodnight. It’s a thing he does.” Yeonjun explains as quickly as possible.

Your face contorts from confusion to pure uwu but before you could say anything you already hear a knock on Yeonjun’s door.

“Yeonjun hyung, are you sleeping?” Hueningkai’s voice was clear as day and you look at Yeonjun with wide eyes. Not sure where you should be hiding.

He points at his bed and realise you could easily fit under it. You disappear under his bed at the speed of light and Yeonjun makes his way to his door, nervously looking back to see if you were visible before he opened it with a dramatic swing.

“Hyung, it’s late why aren’t you sleeping” Hyuka says walking into his room, making himself fall onto Yeonjun’s bed with full force.  

You covered your mouth to suppress a yelp as the bed dipped almost to the point where it hit you.

Yeonjun’s eyes grow in size and he pulls Hueningkai off the mattress as fast as he could.

“There was a spider, don’t go on there,” he blurts out, not being able to come up with a better lie.

“Oh, should I grab it for you? Did it go under your bed?” Hyuka almost dropped to his knees to look under the bed before Yeonjun grabbed him, stopping him from moving any further.

“No, it’s okay, hyung will take care of it, go sleep. I’m teaching you how to drive tomorrow remember?”

“Oh right, I almost forgot,” Hyuka says scratching the back of his head while laughing nervously.

“Why am I kind of scared.”  

“Don’t be, if you wreck my car you will have nothing to be scared of, ever again. In your life. Cause it will be over.” Yeonjun jokes, and you put your hand over your mouth to muffle your giggles.

Their relationship was so cute.

Hueningkai laughed a softer version of his obnoxious but adorable laugh and flew into Yeonjun's arms while rubbing his belly. “Okayyyy, got it. Goodnight and good luck with your spider problem.”

Yeonjun smiled, leading the younger one out of his room. “Goodnight honeybee.”  

He closed the door behind him and locked it this time. He walked over to the bed and dropped to the floor, bending his neck to look at you.

“You could just sleep there if you want,” he jokes, flashing his pearly whites at you.

You glare at him. “I can’t believe I had to hide under your bed.”  

He let out a small chuckle and reached out his hand for you to help you get out from under the bed.

You’re surprised by his strength as he was able to pull you out entirely with just one arm. You drop yourself on to his bed, this time exhausted from the subsiding rush of adrenaline.

You yawn covering your face, and Yeonjun notices.

"Are you tired?" he asks patting your head. You slowly nod in response, blinking a couple of times to re-adjust your blurry vision.

Yeonjun smiled at you fondly. "Let's continue what we were doing some other time." he winks and you just grimace at his words, nodding in agreement.

He pulls to covers from underneath you and turns off the light on his nightstand.  

“Move,” he whispers and you comply with a giddy smile, making space for him on the bed.  

He pulled to covers over both of you, spooning you as he holds your hand tightly, resting your intertwined hands to your chest.  The butterflies in your stomach ran wild, this moment is something you fantasized about multiple times, but now that it was happening you weren't sure how to get yourself to calm down.

As if he sensed your rising heartbeat, he kissed your temple. Snuggling his face in your neck while giving you another kiss on your jaw.

“Goodnight,” he whispers, his breath tickling your neck as he speaks.

“Goodnight,” you reply timidly, already dozing off in his hold.

You felt safe, sound, warm, and you hoped he felt the same. You hoped you could give him what he longed for all this time because there was nothing more you want than for him to feel like he could be himself around you.

You wanted to say so much, do so much, but tiredness got the better of you as your eyelids grow heavy, drifting off into nothingness as his hold lulled you to sleep.

Yeonjun had been staring at your sleeping form for the past 10 minutes. He stared at your features. Studying your face. You moved a little making a piece of your hair drape in front of your eyes, which made your nose scrunch up in response.  

Yeonjun suppressed a chuckle and moved the piece of hair out of your face so he could adore you some more.

It was 11 AM and he already heard Soobin and Taehyun's voices from the living room.  

He had no idea how to get you out without them noticing and he also didn’t have the heart to wake you up.

After a few seconds, the comfortable silence was interrupted by loud knocks on Yeonjun’s bedroom door.

“HYUNG, BREAKFAST IS READY.” Taehyun yelled at the top of his lungs, startling Yeonjun and waking you up in a panic at the loud noises.  

Your eyes shoot open in shock, but Yeonjun held on to your waist firmly to keep you from jolting upwards, reminding you of his presence.

“It’s ok” he whispered patting your head, and you relax in an instance.

“NOT HUNGRY,” he yelled back; making you cringe at the loud noise.

You’re not a morning person, which Yeonjun figured as you turned back around to close your eyes.

He let out a sigh shaking your shoulder. “Five more minutes,” you huff, pulling his arm from your shoulder and back around your waist to signal to him that you wanted him to hold you.

Yeonjun however, wasn’t having it.

“I’ve been waiting for you to wake up for half an hour,” he says unamused, untangling himself from you and ripping the sheets off of you.

You shot him an angry look, burying your face in his pillow and he couldn’t help but chuckle at how cute and moody you were in the morning.  

“We need to figure out how to get you out of the apartment unnoticed.”  he says with his arms crossed, looking at you expectantly.

And suddenly, you’re wide awake. Well shit, you didn’t think that far ahead yet.  

You sit up, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes.

“I could jump out the window”  

“This is the 9th floor, you’d die.”

“Problem solved,” you joke.

Yeonjun rolls his eyes at you as he sits back down on his bed.

“Did you sleep well?” he asks caressing your cheek.

You nod sheepishly as you lean into his touch, resting your cheek in his hand. “You?”

“The best sleep I’ve had in a while.” He admits, making you melt.

Yeonjun’s phone buzzed and he looked over, taking it off the charger as he read the message.

“Soobin and Tae are heading out,” he says in surprise. “They’re getting coffee and asked me if I wanted one.”

He shows you the messages. You found your luck hard to believe and squint your eyes reading over the messages a second time.

“If Gyu and Hyuka are still asleep then that’s my chance to escape,” you say excitedly clapping your hands together as realization hits.

You didn’t know why but this whole keeping your relationship a secret thing was kind of fun. It was thrilling that you could get caught at any moment and that the rest of your friends were so oblivious, but you really wanted to know when your luck was going to run out because that's one confrontation that you weren't ready for.

After waiting in Yeonjun's room for a few minutes after Soobin and Tae had left, you finally open the door to Yeonjun’s bedroom.

Both of you silently run to the front door, he turns you around and kisses your lips once more before he opens the front door and shoos you away playfully.

“See you tonight.” He says as he waves at you.

Right, game night. You almost forgot.

You were pretty nervous about it given the fact that this is the first time you’d hang out with all 5 of the boys and Mia since the whole ordeal at the festival. Your stomach turned at the thought of having to act nonchalantly around Yeonjun throughout the night. Not knowing how well you’d be able to do that.

Before you walk off. you pull Yeonjun in for another quick kiss and he smiles into it. “Quick, quick, quick,” he says pushing you off of him, and you both laugh as you start running off.  

Hyuka had his hands wrapped tightly around the steering wheel.

Yeonjun was situated in the passengers’ seat as Beomgyu was seated behind them in the middle backseat, leaning over to see what Hyuka was doing.

“Ok so, what happens if I press the brake and gas at the same time?” Hyuka says mischievously staring at Yeonjun to tease him.

“The car takes a screenshot,” Beomgyu comments

“FOR REAL!?”  

“Get the fuck out of my car, both of you” Yeonjun sighs rubbing his forehead.  

“Ahh, ok, ok, ok. We’ll behave. Sorry” Hueningkai laughs and carefully backs out of the parking spot.

Yeonjun's phone started to buzz and he checked his messages while Hyuka was driving carefully. His eyes lit up seeing your name on his phone, smiling giddily at your message.

[Y/N: 3:23 PM]: Can't wait to ignore your whole existence tonight, make sure to get my Oscar ready, I will put these actresses out of a job...

He was about to reply to you but Beomgyu interrupted. "Hyung could you please pay attention to what Hyuka is doing because I feel uneasy."

Hueningkai scoffed at Beomgyu's lack of confidence in him and Yeonjun snapped out of it, correcting Hyuka's driving by tugging at the steering wheel lightly.

"Right, sorry."

"Hyung, by the way. you and y/n are good right?" Beomgyu asked with big eyes.

The sudden mention of your name startled Yeonjun, but he cleared his throat, trying to be as nonchalant as possible.

"Yeah, we are. Why do you ask?"

"Well, cause she's coming over tonight too and it'd be awkward if you two were still awkward around each other."

Yeonjun's shoulders fell as he relaxed. Sighing as he looked back at Beomgyu and Hyuka's expecting eyes. "We're totally fine." Yeonjun assures, giving them a sincere smile.

Beomgyu nodded in response and so did Hueningkai.

"I'm glad." he adds.

Yeonjun was surprised, Hueningkai did better than expected so they decided to leave the parking grounds for a short while to practice roundabouts and parallel parking.

It didn’t take long before they all had enough of risking their lives, so Yeonjun decided to drive back to their dorm and prepare for game night. They had a few more guests coming than usual, but Yeonjun had no idea since he spent all his time with you and didn’t plan the whole thing with the other guys.  

“You did well,” he says patting Hyuka on his back as they walk into their building, his compliment earned a heartfelt smile from Hueningkai. “Watch out hyung, once I get my license you won’t know what’s coming for you,” he boasts.  

“Don’t get cocky already, there’s a written exam that you need to pass first,” Beomgyu says rolling his eyes as they step out of the elevator, on their way to their front door.

“Oh…right.” Hyuka says sulking.

Yeonjun laughs at the banter of his little brothers, opening the front door to see the place fully decorated.  

“Eh…Tae? What’s going on.” Yeonjun asks as they make eye contact while Taehyun was using all the force in his lungs to blow up some balloons.

Beomgyu and Hyuka brushed past Yeonjun, on their way to their shared room in an attempt to avoid helping out with decorations.

“So….game night turned into a bit of a bigger get together,” he explains apologetically.

Yeonjun chuckles, grabbing a few balloons to help out. “I’m not surprised.”

“You’re not mad right? I mean you’re barely home so we didn’t even know if you’d be here tonight. By the way, where have you been all week?”

“Uh, with Wooyoung.” Yeonjun lies latching his mouth onto the balloon, blowing it up to avoid more conversation.

“MIA!” you run into her arms. Not seeing her for a whole week was the longest you’d gone without seeing her since you met her, so it felt like a whole year. She left for home to spend time with her family and well, you were too occupied with Yeonjun to really talk to her.

Mia giggles in your embrace. Both of you decided to meet at the boys’ dorm to enter together like you always do.  

“I missed you,” she says wrapping her arm around your waist as you both walk towards the elevator.

As you press the button, you spot the same guy with long black hair who you were introduced to by Yeonjun at Johnny’s party, walking towards you.

“Hey,” you greet him with a smile, and he shifts his focus from his phone to you at the sound of your voice.

“Hey.” He gave you a warm smile back while going in for a hug.

You were surprised since you’ve only spoken to each other for half a minute but you figured he was just a hugger.

“Wooyoung? Right?”  

He nods excitedly. “Yes.”

Mia smiled at him too and introduced herself. “Do you live here?” she asks genuinely interested.

“No, I’m going to Yeonjun’s”

“Oh…huh, so are we,” you say shooting Mia a confused look, which she shrugged at.  

“Oooo nice!” he exclaims making both you and Mia laughs in response to his enthusiasm.  

The three of you make small talk about your only connection, school. The more you spoke to him, the more you got the friendship between him and Yeonjun. Wooyoung seemed super loud and outgoing, matching Yeonjun's personality effortlessly.  

You finally reach the front door and knock a few times.

Soobin opened the door for you guys but you were completely disregarded by him as he attacked Mia with hugs and kisses. You hear a few I love you’s and I missed you’s and you can’t help but beam at them.

You were feeling less salty about their PDA because of the fact that you have Yeonjun now, but you know…they don’t know that.

Yeonjun was seated at the large kitchen table behind Taehyun, who was playing that odd biting dog game that they play with Beomgyu and Hyuka. Yeonjun’s eyes meet yours and he gives you a small smile before he saw you standing in the doorway with Wooyoung.  

It looked like the two of you came here together and he didn’t like how that looked to the rest of the people here.  

You saw how his face fell and your eyes travel to Wooyoung who was still standing next to you with his hand on your waist. You didn’t think much of it given his touchy nature but you couldn’t really go up to Yeonjun either to ease his mind, because everyone would question why.

You sigh, nonchalantly untangling yourself from his hold to make your way to Mia who was standing on the balcony with Soobin.

Wooyoung made his way to Yeonjun and they hugged, Yeonjun’s eyes following your figure like a hawk before he shifted his attention back to his friend.

You breathe in the cool air on the balcony and lean on the railing, standing next to Mia and Soobin who were lost in a conversation about her family visit.

You honestly wanted to be alone with Yeonjun if you could. Not feeling the need to be sociable with all of the people here, especially if you had to act distant towards Yeonjun in the meantime.

You didn’t know how many glances you could steal from him before someone noticed, and it upset you a little, but you also know that YOU are the reason you’re in this situation in the first place.

When your thoughts start running wild, muting out your surroundings, your phone starts to vibrate in your pocket, snapping you back to reality. You retrieve it and look at your messages.

[Yeonjun 8.32 PM]: I hate this :( 

You chuckle, glancing over to him. He looked at his phone with a pout and you melted at the sight, but you quickly averted your attention back to your phone before anyone noticed that you were starting at him.

[Y/N 8.32 PM]: Me too. Also, I ran into Wooyoung downstairs, it’s just a coincidence.  

[Yeonjun 8.32 PM]: Hah, did I say anything?

[Y/N 8.32 PM]: No, but your face did.

You peak over your shoulder to look at Yeonjun whose eyes had now found yours. He gave you a kittenish angry look and you couldn’t help but giggle, which caught Soobin and Mia’s attention.

“What’s so funny?” Soobin says nudging you.

“Oh, the game…the game is funny,” you say absentmindedly.

Soobin looked over his shoulder and saw the boys basically screaming at each other out of competitiveness and he giggled too. “Yeah, they’re crazy.”

Mia’s eyes travel to the front door as she sees new people entering.

“Baby, who are they?” she asks with a smile, leaning her head on his upper arm.  

“Oh, they’re Yeonjun’s friends. I invited them to cheer him up a little.”

Your eyes dart to Soobin. “Cheer him up for what?” you ask genuinely confused.

“Ahh….i-it’s nothing.” Soobin stuttered. “He’s just been dealing with some stuff lately so I thought I’d invite some more people over.”

You squint his eyes at Soobin. What did Yeonjun not tell you?

Your eyes scan the group of 4 who had joined the get-together, you see two guys and two girls, one of them clinging on to Yeonjun’s arm the minute she saw him.

You cock your eyebrow at the sight, trying not to stare too long.

The three of you make your way back in to the apartment and decide to join the rest of the group at the dinner table. They were now playing charades and you couldn’t help but laugh at Wooyoung’s ridiculous competitive nature, which was only fueled by Yeonjun’s desire to win against Taehyun, Hueningkai, and Beomgyu.

Your eyes darted to the mystery girl who was basically drooling over Yeonjun. You noticed her giggling with her friend every time he did something remotely funny or adorable and you can’t help but roll your eyes when she keeps playfully nudging him or smacking his arm as she laughed.

“I wanna be on Junnie’s team!” she screeched as she sat down on his lap.

The action made your eyes widen, and you can tell Yeonjun’s whole body stiffened, his eyes darting to yours in apology.

Neither of you could control this situation, but that didn’t mean he had to keep her on his lap.

“Let’s do truth or dare instead,” Wooyoung suggests wiggling his eyebrows, earning a bunch of either excited hums or disagreeing groans from everyone.  

"What are we, 12 years old?" you sigh, scooting your seat closer to the table.

"Why, you got something to hide?" Wooyoung challenges you as he gives you a mischievous smile, raising his eyebrow at you in amusement.

You huff in response, stealing a quick glance from Yeonjun's stoic expression.

"No."

Wooyoung cleared his throat. “Ok, Ok. Me first then,” he says shifting his attention to you.

“Y/n, truth, or dare?’ He asks grinning at you from ear to ear.

You stiffen. “Ehm, truth,” you blurt out, earning groans from Beomgyu and Soobin.

“You’re so tame.” Beomgyu states and you shot him a venomous look in return, which he brushed off by laughing at you.

“Okay, truth…hmm. Do you like anyone in this room?” He asks folding his arms over his chest, leaning back into his chair.  

“Yes,” you say out loud without thinking. If you could kick yourself you would have. What the fuck were you thinking?

Your statement earned surprised looks from everyone, including Mia and Soobin, who were now looking at each other with question marks in their eyes.

Yeonjun uncomfortably shifted in his seat, with the screechy blonde girl still situated on his lap.

“Who?” Mia asked raising her brows at you.

“I already answered my question.” You shrug, but you knew you’d be a target from now on.

Mia was determined to find out who it was and as her turn came around, she had an idea and decided to act on it. Thinking of the situation as innocent and funny.

“Y/n, truth or dare?” She asks giving him a knowing smirk.

“Truth.” you exhale loudly, already done with playing the stupid game.

“Who is it?” she asks leaning in a little closer.

Fuck.

Your eyes dart to Yeonjun who subtly tried to shake his head for you to notice, and you did.

“Ehm, I-it’s Wooyoung,” you say pointing at him before your brain could even compute the damage that you had just done.

Wooyoung’s eyebrows raise in surprise, just like Yeonjun’s and the rest of the people there.

"Since WHEN!?" Soobin exclaims in disbelief. Which earned a slap from Mia to his upper arm. "Shut up." she huffs noticing how uncomfortable you were.

Suddenly she felt bad for pushing you so far, she thought you were just kidding, but given the distress in your eyes she knew something else was up.

Hueningkai started laughing hysterically as his turn rolled around. “Wooyoung hyung, truth, or dare.”

“Dare.” he practically yells, giving Hyuka an amused smile.

“I dare you to kiss y/n.”

Wooyoung rolled his eyes at the juvenile attempt of your friends to embarrass you, but he couldn’t deny that you were hot, and well. You literally just confessed that you had an eye for him too. Everyone started "ooh-ing" and "aah-ing" at the situation but you couldn't move or respond quick enough to what followed.

Your eyes grow big and you see Yeonjun clench his fists as Wooyoung pulled you towards him, lacing his fingers through your hair as his lips made contact with yours.

Chapter 7.

[thelukesalvez]

Luke Alvez x Reader: Without You

Request: “could you write something about Luke falling in love with his childhood best friend please 🥺”

Tagged: @ssaic-jareau , @alvezstan , @saintd0lce , @ogmilkis, @reidswords , @ssa-morgan , @garcias-batcave ,  @akimagies, @zhangyixingxing1​ , @sskhair

Word count: 11.3k

Warnings: PTSD, blood mention, gsw mention, smut

A/N: Wow, I really took this request and ran with it.  I really didn’t need to write an 11k fic but here we are!!!! 

You’re 8 years old and have never felt so happy before.

You’re riding your bike through the fields with Luke right beside you, the setting sun creating a thousands shades of orange, pink and purple in the sky up above.  And you’re going faster, faster, faster until your legs burn.

As you return to your house to eat ice cream, pistachio for you and chocolate for Luke, you think to yourself that you’re so glad the boy moved here.  You can’t imagine happiness without him. 

He came to your school at the beginning of the year.  At first he didn’t say much.  He was quiet and shy and always staring down at his shoes.  You stick up for him in the classroom when the mean boys start picking on him for the color of his skin, and again in the cafeteria when the bullies make jokes about the strange lunch his mom packed him.

“Thanks,” he had told you quietly, his gaze not meeting yours.

Luke has this big smile that makes your tummy feel all funny, and a pair of big, mocha eyes, so beautiful that you think you have a new favorite color. 

You always hang out at each other’s houses after school, and you spend your weekends playing soccer, or running through the woods near your neighborhood.  

Your first summer is amazing, and your cheeks hurt for the most of it, because Luke makes you smile so much.  He’s just so endearing and funny, and he always has the best jokes.

Your dad has a week off from work at the beginning of July, and he spends it building you and Luke a treehouse just over the hill in your backyard.  Hammers and nails are off limits, he says, but you and Luke help by lugging pieces of wood from the pile near the garage up to the tree line.  

After sticking an assortment of glow in the dark stars on the ceiling, you decide that this tree house is the greatest creation to ever exist.  You spend hours hiding away in the tiny space, existing in your own little world that summer, one consisting of nothing but good things and each other. 

An owl hoots in the distance on the first night you and Luke decide to spend the night in the treehouse, making you jump.  He squeezes your hand in the darkness, scooting his sleeping bag closer to yours. 

“It’s okay,” he assures you, “I’ll protect you.”

... 

Luke just turned 13 years old and he jumps out of his bedroom window to walk the few streets separating him from you at nightfall.

You help him through your own window, whispering words of comfort as he wipes his wet cheeks.

“Are they arguing again?” You ask softly.

Luke nods, closing his eyes, wishing he could undo all of the fighting going on at his house lately.

You hug him tightly, letting your head rest on his shoulder as you squeeze around his middle.  After a few moments, you retreat to your bed, pulling back the covers for him.

You lay facing each other, you wiping Luke’s tears each time they escape his beautiful eyes, Luke gripping onto your shirt like his life depends on it.

... 

When you turn 15, you have your first kiss.  It’s with a boy from your class named Ben and you’re too excited to wait until school the next morning to tell Luke, so you send him a text.  

It goes unanswered.  

You see Luke the next day at his locker, pulling out a chemistry textbook. 

“Did something happen to your phone?” you ask as you approach him. 

“Nope,” he says, popping the ‘p’. He doesn’t even look at you. 

You frown.  “Well did you get my text?”

“Yep,” he says in the same fashion. 

You obviously sense something is off, so you abandon your exciting news and instead ask, “Do you want to talk?”

Luke slams his locker, more forcibly than necessary, and finally meets your eyes.  “Why don’t you talk with Ben?” he asks, before brushing by your shoulder and disappearing down the hall. 

You stand, stunned, by his locker when the morning bell rings loudly.  A sea of students hurry out of their homeroom classes, when a group of girls pass by you, one muttering, “Slut,” so only you can hear. 

“What?” your head turns sharply in their direction. 

“She called you a slut,” another says loud and clearly, before they all giggle in unison and stock off. 

Before you’re even able to process the comment, a couple of boys approach you. 

“Hey, if I’d known you put out that easy, I would’ve hit you up a long time ago!” 

“Yeah, can I get in on the action Ben’s getting?” 

Your head is spinning wildly but you quietly mutter, “I don’t know what you’re talking about-”

“Ben told us what happened with you two last night!” 

With a dry mouth you sputter, “We j- we just kissed,” but you already have a feeling that’s not what Ben told the entire school.  

You look around, noticing an unusual amount of people staring at you as they walk by, all sneering or laughing or whispering.  

“Would you open your legs for me too, Y/N?”

Your cheeks feel incredibly hot and your chest starts to tighten.  The comments and slurs get thrown your way with ease, each one tearing your heart deeper and deeper.  Your eyes burn hot with tears, now sliding down your cheeks, wet with embarrassment and humiliation. 

You take a few slow steps backwards, away from the boys taunting you, before you turn on your heels and rush to the staircase, keeping in mind that the bathroom on the second floor was always less busy than the one by the office.  You push your way up through a crowd of students, not bothering to apologize or say excuse me. If you opened your mouth, you knew you’d only sob. 

When you finally push your way through the bathroom door, you sigh a shaky breath of relief to see it’s unoccupied.  You waste no time in flinging yourself into the last stall before you shut and lock the door with your shaking hands. 

You back up until you feel the cool wall behind you.  Slowly, you let yourself slide to the floor, your knees pulled tightly into your chest, and you cry.  You stay like that, even after the warning bell for first period rings, even after the late bell rings.  You don’t care.  You’d make a home in this bathroom if you had to.  If that meant you never had to face all those people calling you names again.  

You’re not sure how much time passes, but eventually your muffled cries are interrupted by a soft knock on the outside bathroom door.  You hold your breath. 

You hear it push open, and then Luke’s voice calls your name.  

You don’t respond. 

“I know you’re in here,” he says.  “I can see your shoes.”

You’re too embarrassed to face him, so you still don’t respond. 

“C’mon,” he pleads, knocking on your stall door now.  “Open up or I’ll just crawl underneath.”

He waits a few moments before he sighs, “Okay then.” 

You see him drop to his stomach from the gap under the stall and crawl through the space, inching forward until he is inside with you. When he looks up, his eyes immediately soften upon seeing the tears streaming down your face.  

“C’mere,” he mutters.  He moves so that he’s also sitting back against the wall and stretches his arm so that it’s wrapping around your shoulders.  You willingly scoot into his embrace, laying your head on his shoulder and letting yourself cry more.

He doesn’t say anything at first, just lets you ruin the fabric of his t-shirt as your tears soak through it.  

Eventually, you sniffle and wonder, “Why’re you here?”

“You weren’t in first period, and I got worried,” he states simply. 

“Did you hear those things they’re saying about me?”

“Mhm,” he hums. 

“They’re not true.”

“I know.”

“My first kiss sucked,” you pout. You wish you’d waited for someone better.  For someone you loved and trusted. What would it be like? You wondered just then, to kiss Luke.  Your cheeks feel hot at the thought. 

He rubs your shoulder soothingly, stirring you out of your own head.  Eventually he says, “Ben’s way bigger than me, but I can try to fight him or something- if you want me to.”

You let out a small chuckle.  

“Yeah, I mean I’ll definitely get flattened, but I would do it-”

That gets you laughing even harder. 

“Thanks, Luke,” you mumble into his chest. 

…

You’re 17 and drunk the very first time Luke kisses you.

You’re at a playground, sitting on the swings, half a bottle of wine sitting precariously between you both. It’s the early hours of the new year, and you can taste fireworks on your tongue. You know it’s cold outside, can hear the wind whistling over the buzzing in your ears, can see Luke’s breath dance across his lips. You can’t feel it though. Between the alcohol and Luke - mainly Luke - you feel warm, like your belly is a heater, warming you from the inside out, skin prickling with electricity. 

You’ve thought about this before. Maybe it was the early sun trickling in, highlighting Luke’s dark complexion just right, but you looked at his wild hair and eyelashes curved against his cheeks, and you knew you had never, and would never, see anyone more beautiful. 

That was the morning you realized that you were in love with your best friend. You didn’t cope well, and if you were being honest, you still don’t. You’ve become good at compartmentalizing though - and lying, and pretending, and telling yourself it can not, and will not ever be.

Except you never factored in this- never factored in too much alcohol, and Luke’s mouth, and Luke’s hands, neck, and tongue. The first few minutes of New Year’s you think, feel, taste and breathe Luke, and you allow it.

You didn’t even want to leave the party. But, Luke had pleaded, flashed you a stolen wine bottle tucked under his coat, and you couldn’t say no. You can never say no to Luke, and that’s the problem. You’re supposed to be strong, but Luke is your kryptonite. Sometimes that scares you so much that you want to run away, so far away, but you can never get far. That’s the other problem. The last thing you ever wanted to do was rely on someone to breathe, and without meaning to that’s exactly what you’ve done with Luke.

Luke’s lips are suddenly against yours.  His fingers are burning embers against your cheek. You would never admit that all you want to do is bring him home, hide under the warm blankets, and kiss Luke until your mouths are raw, until you swear that your breaths are one.

“Y/N,” Luke murmurs into your mouth, and you kiss the words away.

You don’t know how long you’ve been kissing, whether it’s been minutes or an hour, but you’re breathing heavier than you ever had 

For a moment you feel like you might be dreaming, reality hitting as harsh as the wind outside.

“Hey,” Luke says, softly pulling away. 

You blink, once, twice, eyes dark. “Hi.”

Luke leans forward, and brushes a kiss above your eyebrow, allowing it to linger no more than a second. “Happy New Year.”

Luke and you hold hands all the way back to the party, his body is warm and solid against your side.

You wake up the next day with a funny feeling in your stomach, but when you get a text from Luke asking how you are, you lie and say everything’s fine.

Promise we won’t be awkward about this?  Luke asks.

About what?

Don’t.

Nonsense, it made us better friends.

PROMISE you won’t be awkward about this?

You get up, go to the bathroom, then make a cup of coffee before replying back with a simple, ‘promise’. You’re definitely going to be awkward.

The next day, while eating a bowl of cereal and watching television with your parents, you receive another text from Luke asking if you want to get food. You say you have a late family dinner. It’s clearly a lie, just like Luke knows it’s a lie because he doesn’t text back at all. By the third day, when you reject Luke’s invitation to come over with an excuse of having to babysit, you’re filled with guilt.

This time, Luke replies, Y/N, you promised.

It’s not awkward.

Luke doesn't answer, and on the fourth day he doesn't try at all. 

New Year’s is not brought up again.

…

When you turn 18, you decide to go to a college that’s two hours away.

Luke is already enrolled in a local university, he’d started classes the week prior. But today was the day that you were officially moving.

You say your goodbyes in your room, because you’re going to leave in a few minutes now, and you really don’t know when you’ll see each other again.

“Don’t cry, please don’t cry..”

Luke hates this, he hates that you’re going to be so far away, he hates that it’s making you so sad, he hates seeing you cry.

You share an embrace for the tenth time that day, and neither of you want to let go. 

“I could always just drop out and come live under your bed,” he suggests with a smirk, “I’m sure your roommate wouldn’t mind.”

You think that he’s probably kidding, he has to be, but all you can think to do is laugh, nervously, and say, “Oh, god.”

“You know I’d follow you anywhere,” Luke drawls, gushingly. Then, suddenly, he wraps his arms around you again, this time tackling you onto your mattress playfully.  You both land on your sides, and when you open your eyes, you realize Luke’s close enough so that you can feel his eyelashes fluttering.  

You laugh, and attempt not to focus on Luke’s breath against your chin, warm and sweet. “As lovely of a trophy wife you’d be, you know you have to go to school.”

Luke sneaks his hand under your shirt, and grabs a hold of your bare waist, tickling. “Trophy wife, huh?” he teases. 

You squeal, flailing as you try to knock Luke’s hand away. 

Once you’ve finally calmed down enough to stop flailing, you sink back onto your side, eyes flicking over Luke’s complexion. You realize your faces are inches away again, and Luke is very blatantly staring at your mouth.

You’ve been wanting to kiss Luke again. You’ve never said it - you haven’t even talked about New Year’s, but you thought about it. You can feel yourself become weaker and weaker though, and you know it’s only a matter of time before Luke breaks you completely.  You can’t have that.

You think that as horrible as it will be to leave, maybe a break is exactly what you and Luke need right now; before you do something stupid, something irreversible, something you won’t be able to ignore quite so easily.

You don’t want to ruin what you two have. You cannot lose Luke.

You blow a puff of air into Luke’s face, as if that itself will blow away the tension building up between you. You sit up, feeling Luke’s eyes on you, you’re not sure how much longer you can do this when you hear your mom’s voice calling up the stairs, saying you’re going to be late.

...

When Luke’s 21, he gets a new girlfriend named Kate and stops visiting you at university so often.  

When Luke introduces you two during winter break, you’re able to identify that weird feeling in the pit of your stomach as jealousy. 

Even though you smile and shake her hand, you can tell through a gaze that doesn’t quite meet yours, that she already doesn’t like you.  But boy does she really like Luke. 

The two are inseparable the entire month that you’re home, and she’s always hanging off his arm or touching him around you.  At first, the three of you spend time together, never just you and Luke.  Anytime you invite him anywhere, he brings her along.  

You find it particularly irritating when he brings her to the late showing of a movie you’d both been looking forward to all semester, and instead of paying attention, the two of them spend half the film attached at the lips or whispering in each other’s ears. 

After that night, you see Luke less and less.  And eventually, he stops returning your calls altogether.  

Before you know it, you’re off for another semester at school without so much as a ‘goodbye’ text from your best friend. 

It’s your busiest semester yet, so you spend a lot of time shoved between a textbook or working tirelessly on your computer.  No matter how engaged you were in your school work, the distance between you and Luke still plagued your mind. 

You missed Luke’s company, missed the way he made you laugh.  You missed his attention, his hugs.  Everything.  And you found yourself wishing you could be the one occupying all his time.  

You find yourself shooting him a text every now and then, wishing him well or asking what he was up to.  You’re never met by more than one or two word responses, and it just doesn’t sit well with you.

Until one day, you check your phone after a lecture to find three missed calls and almost half a dozen texts from Luke. 

You hurry to open them.  

Hey, can you please answer?

Seriously, I really need to talk.

Can I drive up today?

I know it’s late notice, but please?

Screw it. I’m heading out now, see you in a few hours.

When Luke knocks on your dorm room door, you open it to see him standing before you with the deepest purple bags you’d ever seen underneath his eyes. 

His hair was a disheveled mess, and he looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks.  But he’s there.  And it’s been so long since you’ve seen him or heard his voice.  Without much thought, you rush over to him, wrapping your arms around his middle and resting your head on his chest. 

It takes him a moment to reciprocate the hug, but once he does, it’s tight and secure and all so familiar. You stomach flutters when you realize that this is how things should be between you and Luke.  Comforting and close. 

You hear him sniffle from above you. “What’s wrong?” you immediately ask, stepping aside as a gesture for him to enter. 

He takes the hint and strides past you, letting out a breathy sigh before sitting on the edge of your bed. 

“Kate and I broke up,” he states.  “She cheated on me.” 

He buries his face in his hands and shakes his head. 

“I can’t believe I was so stupid.”

“Oh Luke,” you say sympathetically.  You join him on your bed and put a hand on his back, rubbing it soothingly. “I’m so sorry.”

“And can you believe that she accused me of cheating on her with you? She was constantly telling me I couldn’t see you because she was jealous- and the whole time it was her- cheating on me!”

Your face twists into one filled with surprise.

“What?” you say.  “Is that why you’ve been so distant?”

“I was trying to do the right thing- trying to make her happy.”

You nod, understanding his predicament.  

“That was so shitty of me,” he admits, “I’ll never do that again- put someone above you.  You’ve always been there for me.  I’m sorry. I just- God, I was so damn depressed when you left.  I know I never told you that, but like- I missed you.  A lot. And I graduate soon and I have no clue what I’m going to do afterwards. It’s scary and- I just- I needed a distraction.  Kate was a good distraction.”

You rest your head on his shoulder, telling him that you forgive him.  

“You deserve someone who’s going to treat you so much better than that,” you tell him, your gut twisting.    

“Like who?” he asks, looking up at you. 

Your mouth feels dry and for a moment, you contemplate just telling Luke what you’re thinking, someone like me.  But you don’t.  Instead you smile softly, “Someone great.”

A look (was that disappointment?) crosses his face, before he sighs.  “I think I’ll just settle for wallowing in my own sorrow for a bit.”

Wallowing in sorrow looks like binge watching docuseries and consuming an absurd amount of popcorn for Luke.  And that’s exactly what you and him do for the next two days that he spends with you in your dorm room. 

You laugh and talk about things you’ve been deprived of for the last few months.  The stress of university melts away, because Luke’s here, and that’s all that really matters. You finally have your best friend back. 

…

When Luke turns 23, he makes the world around you shatter into a million pieces. 

“Th-the army?” you ask, your eyes immediately glistening with tears. “What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know- I mean, you’re doing so well, you’re starting grad school in the fall, you know what you're going to do with your life.  But I don’t.  I can’t keep working these meaningless jobs, I gotta figure something out.  And my dad served.  He said it helped straighten him out.”

“You don’t need to be ‘straightened out’,” you argue.  “You just need to find what you’re passionate about- I’ll help you research ideas, we can do job shadows-”

“I already signed up,” Luke blurts out.  He’s fiddling with a hangnail on his thumb, his gaze refusing to meet yours.  “I leave for training camp on Monday.” 

You shake your head, while simultaneously backing out of his room. 

“Y/N-” he pleads, he reaches out to grab your wrist, but you yank your arm away. 

“No,” you snap.  “If you wanted my approval, y-you don’t have it.”

“C’mon,” Luke’s head falls to the side as he sighs loudly.  

“I can’t believe you’d sign up without telling me.  What if you get hurt?  What if you get killed?”

“I’m not going to get killed-”

“You don’t know that!” By now there’s a steady influx of tears streaming down your face.  “I’m not gonna sit by and just tell you I’m okay with this, cause I’m not.”

“Y/N, please-” Luke whispers.  “I can’t do this if you’re mad at me.”

You wipe your cheeks with the back of your hand and sniffle. “Good, then don’t.”  

With that, you storm out of Luke’s room without looking back. 

You spend the rest of the day crying.  The idea of Luke being so far away was terrifying.  You didn’t know how to do this- life- without him.  

On Friday night, just two days before Luke would leave for training camp, you sat on the floor of your bedroom flipping through an old photo album your father had gotten you one Christmas.  It was stacked full of pictures from your childhood.  You weren’t surprised to see that most of them contained Luke.  The two of you had been inseparable for such a long time.  

There was one photo, in particular, that caught your attention.  You took it out of the sleeve and ran your thumb over it.  It was a picture of you and Luke, you were maybe 9 or 10.  It was the first summer he had invited you to his family’s lake house for the week, something that had later become one of your many traditions.  

The two of you were standing on the dock that outstretched into the lake.  Luke was only slightly taller than you by then- as you stood, hand in hand, facing the camera with wide, cheery grins on your faces.    

“Are you sure you won’t get annoyed with me if I’m here the whole week?” you had asked him only moments earlier. 

He looked at you, puzzled, like the idea was so preposterous he couldn’t even fathom it. “Of course not, you’re my best friend.”

“Really?” 

He nodded, his grin stretched so wide across his face that it made your eyes crinkle.  

“You’re my best friend too,” you had told him. 

That’s when his mom had come out onto the deck and called to the two of you.  “Smile!” she instructed, snapping the pic.  “Adorable! I hope you two get married one day.”

You don’t even realize you’re crying until a tear lands directly on top of the photo, and you’re forced to think about when the hell things ever got so complicated.  How did you go from the two best friends in this photo, whose biggest fears were the dark and snakes and whether or not you’d annoy each other after a week, to this? How do you tell your best friend you don’t want him to join the Army because you can’t bear the idea of being so far away from him?  How do you tell him it’s because you love him?  

You couldn’t pinpoint an exact moment where things went so astray.  It was like a gradual incline up a mountain, that you didn’t even notice you were climbing until you were standing at the wide open summit, looking out into the vast unknown.  This was you and Luke’s peak, and you could either calmly descend on a trail, or tumble over the cliff entirely. You couldn’t believe that the little boy in that photo, who was missing his two front teeth and hadn’t quite grown into his nose yet, was about to join the Army.  

But the real shock came when your eyes trailed to the little girl beside him.  She’s wearing her pineapple two piece bathing suit and her hand is squeezing his so tightly, like her life depended on his touch… which it probably did.  You thought about how angry she would be at you if you didn’t say a proper goodbye to her best friend.  

You slip the photo back into its protective sleeve and rush to grab your keys. 

Luke’s dad smiles wide when he sees it’s you ringing the doorbell at dinner time.  

“Hi, Mr. Alvez,” you say.  

“Hello!” he greets, not even hesitating before wrapping you in his big arms.  The Alvez family loved to hug. “Are you joining us for dinner?”

You shook your head, “No, I’m sorry to interrupt.  Is Luke home?”

“Yes, yes, one moment.” He turns around to call his son.  

You hear Luke’s heavy tread come closer.  When he reaches the door, you offer him a pathetic smile- a peace offering.  Luke gives you a half smile back. 

“Thanks dad,” he says.  His father offers you a wave before he heads back into the house.  Rather than inviting you in, Luke steps outside and shuts the door behind him. 

“Hi,” you say weakly, when you finally have privacy. 

“Hi,” he replies. 

On the way over, you had prepared an entire speech to win Luke over.  You had enough time to rehearse it twice in the time it took to travel between your apartment and his house.  But now, standing in front of him, your mind went blank.  All you could think about was how much you loved the boy standing in front of you, and how painful it was that you had to bury that feeling, and say goodbye instead. 

Finally, amidst the awkward silence, you whisper, “I don’t want you to leave.”

Luke crosses his arms and huffs, his biceps flexing as he shrugs. “Yeah, I know. You made that clear.”

“But I’m really proud of you,” you finish. 

Luke’s folded arms fall to his sides.  “You are?”

You sigh.  “Of course I am, Luke.  I mean- I wish you were staying.  And I’m going to be worried about you, probably non-stop until I see you again.  But I’m proud of you.”

Luke’s face softens. 

“Thanks,” he whispers. “I was really scared I was going to leave with you still mad at me.”

You smile sadly back at him, then.  “I was never mad at you.  Just selfishly wished you would find your life’s purpose here at home.”

After a moment of silence, you ask, “Can we just spend some time together before you leave? Like we used to?”

Luke flashes his white teeth in his signature grin that reaches his eyes, “I’d love that.”

It’s eight thirty at night, and Luke is already drunk.  

You’d stopped at a nearby gas station and Luke spent $17 on cheap wine and a couple of bags of candy.  

“Who knows when I’ll get this again?” he says while throwing a Swedish fish into his mouth in the passenger seat of your car. 

When you pass by the highway (which would lead you back to your apartment) Luke turns, throwing you a confused look.  “Where are we going?” he asks. 

You grip the steering wheel and shrug.  “It’s a surprise.”

“Oh my god!” Luke exclaims when you pull into the driveway of your childhood home.  “Y/N, I’m trashed- I can’t- I can’t see your parents like this!”

You shake your head and turn off the ignition.  “They’re not home.  Plus, we’re not going in the house.”

Luke follows you clumsily as you both make your way into the backyard and towards the fire pit, but you don’t stop.  Instead, you make your way up to the tree-line, to the familiar oak that held so many of your childhood memories. 

“Do you think you’ll be able to climb the ladder, Drunky?” you asked him teasingly.  

Luke snickered.  “Are you kidding? I could climb this thing in my sleep.”

He’s speaking, of course, to the familiarity of the treehouse.  You two had spent so much of your childhood in it, hidden away from all your worries of the world.  You hid from school bullies and math tests and fights between your parents. It was your sanctuary, your own personal solace. 

When you peak your head into the old wooden room, you’re surprised to see how much smaller it looks. Luke actually has to duck his head to fit inside, but once you’re sitting, it’s cozy.  The two of you pass the bottle of Chardonnay back and forth as you sit on an assortment of duvets and comforters that softened the wood paneling. 

“Do you still remember that…um, that guy- that blonde guy,” Luke clicks his tongue as he tries to remember,  “What was his name? Charlie?” Luke slurs, he’s now very drunk. 

You answer with a hum and glazed gaze and Luke quirks a smile before draping an arm around your shoulder.  

“I heard...” Luke drawls, giggling a bit as he squeezes your arm, “He got…married. Like, a year ago.” He laughs again. “God, didn’t you have like…the biggest crush on him once upon a time?”

“I was ten, Luke. Let it go,” you say.

Luke hiccups and nuzzles your neck. “I remember you tellin’ me he smelled like sunshine.” He giggles and snorts and giggles some more. “Sunshine. Like god- what does that even smell like? You were a creepy ten-year-old.”

“And you’re drunk as shit,” you answer.

Luke chuckles and lifts his hand off from your shoulder.  You’re surprised by how cold you feel without it there.  He slides onto the floor then, so that he’s laying flat on his back.  

“I was always so jealous of Charlie.” he whispers.

Something twists inside your stomach.  It’s just the alcohol, you tell yourself. You lay so that you’re next to Luke and lean your head against his shoulder, gazing at his soft features. 

Luke instinctively reaches for your hand and laces your fingers together. 

“The stars-” he notes, staring up.  “The stars are still here.”

You turn to look up at the ceiling and see that he’s right.  The glow in the dark stars you’d stuck on the ceiling remained.   

Two minutes later, Luke’s snoring. You sigh, more fond than anything.

“Sunshine…hm…” Luke mumbles in his sleep a few minutes later. His grip on your hand tightens. “You smell…like sunshine, Y/N.”

You smile.

Charlie did smell like sunshine. His sunny composition and presence always seemed to be able to light up the room whenever he was around. It’s one of the main reasons ten-year-old you had a crush on him in the first place. But the crush lasted no longer than a month. 

You cozy up against Luke’s chest, listening to the soft ticking of his heartbeat underneath his t-shirt.  

He smells like cheap wine and tangerine shampoo.

But above all, Luke smells like sunshine.

…

You’re 24 and waiting anxiously at the airport with Luke’s mom and dad.  You feel silly holding up the flimsy cardboard sign with bubble letters spelling ‘Alvez’, but you know it’ll make Luke smile- so that was all that mattered.

You hadn’t seen Luke in 4 months, which felt like an entire lifetime.  Your stomach had felt butterflies during the past week and a half, as you anxiously awaited his return.  But now, there was a full on swarm in your abdomen.  

You’re bouncing on your tippy toes when the plane lands, trying to see above the crowd of people that are coming off the plane. 

There’s a man in the distance wearing an army uniform, that you can only assume is Luke, except it doesn’t really look like Luke at all.  This man is taller and his shoulders are broad and muscular.  But as he looks around the airport and spots the neon sign, beckoning him, his eyes finally lock with yours.  There’s no mistaking those mocha orbs.  You barely can feel your own legs as you drop the sign and rush over towards him.  Luke barely has time to set his bags down before you’re launching yourself into his arms, your legs leaving the ground to wind around his waist.  

“Hi,” you say, feeling stupid that you were about to cry. You swallowed hard, trying to tame the urge, but Luke wrapped his arms tightly around your torso and inhaled the smell of your hair, and you felt tears well up behind your eyelids. 

When Luke pulls away, you keep your eyes closed, already embarrassed and trying to keep any tears from falling. 

Luke’s thumb rubs across your cheek. “I missed you.” 

All you could do was nod in return.  But what you were really thinking was, I missed you too. So much. Please don’t leave me again. I love you. 

Luke sighed, then, and kissed your forehead, lips lingering on his skin for a beat longer than normal. You closed your eyes to the touch. “Let’s go home, yeah?”

The ride home from the airport felt short.  You sat in the backseat with Luke while his dad drove, and his mother turned from the front seat to talk with Luke the entire way home.

But you couldn’t help but notice that Luke didn’t have much to say.  

“You look good,” she told him, her red lips smiling wide. “You look strong.”

Luke offers her the slightest nod in affirmation. 

“Wait ‘til you see the driveway, your father’s just got it repaved.  There’s no more bump at the end, so your car won’t bottom out.”

“Oh and the neighbors finally cut down that god-awful maple tree in the front lawn, so we actually get some sun in our yard.”

“And oh my goodness, O’Riley’s closed down! Can you believe it?”

It continues like this.  Luke’s mom fills him in on things that happened in the months he’d been away, and Luke just barely nods to acknowledge it.  You could tell there was something bigger on his mind.  You want to ask him what it is, but you’re too afraid to. 

It comes up anyway. 

You’re sitting around the long, rectangular table that’s been in Luke’s kitchen for as long as you can remember.  There’s a plate of chicken and rice in front of you and you’re about to dig in when Luke clears his throat. 

“I have to tell you guys something,” he says.  

He glances at you first, it’s quick, but you can see the worry in his gaze.  Your stomach knots up and suddenly, you’re not hungry.  

“What is it, mi hijo?” his mom smiles warmly as she plants another large scoop of rice on Luke’s plate. 

“Th-they’re uh- they’re sending me to Iraq.”

His mother lets out a high pitched whimper and his father drops the fork in his hands.  But you- you stay absolutely still. 

“What?” his father gasps. 

“You said no combat!” his mother is already on the verge of hysteria.  

“That was this round, Mama.  I was doing basic training.  But now- now I’ve got to actually serve.” 

She’s shaking her head.  “No, no- Luke, it’s too dangerous!”

“I- I don’t have a choice,” his words are weak and laced with fear.  It was something you’d never heard in his voice before. 

Luke looks to you for comfort, but all you can do is stare down at the colorful plate in front of you, too stunned to speak. 

Your brain was on a loop, the same phrase spinning in your mind like a merry-go-round.  Luke was going to war. Luke was going to war. Luke was going to war. 

…

You’re 26 when you graduate school and land your dream job. 

You relocate to Washington D.C..  Your eyes are in awe as you drive through the city, the monuments and tall structures visible in the distance. 

Your dad cries when he hugs you goodbye, his arms wrapping around you tightly after helping to unload all your furniture from the U-Haul truck.  

It’s all very exciting- moving to a big city and starting your career.  

But you can’t help but notice that something, someone, was missing. 

... 

Luke is 28 when he gets shot.  

He’s lying, face up in the middle of the desert with a bullet lodged in his chest, and the first thing that enters his mind is you. 

He was going to die and all he could think about was that he’ll never hug you again, never see your warm eyes.  He never got a chance to tell you that he loved you.  

Your face was the last thing he saw before he passed out. 

The next thing Luke knew, he was lying in a hospital bed with sterile, white walls surrounding him.  He blinked up at the ceiling and made an attempt to sit up, but felt a shooting pain down his shoulder and back, so instead he fell against the bed, groaning.  

A nurse appeared above him and started speaking.  

“Can you hear me?”

Luke nods in response. 

She began inspecting him, lifting the neckline of his gown to inspect his shoulder.  Luke grits his teeth.  

“Do you know where you are?” she asks, writing something down on a scrap of paper before looking at him. 

Luke shakes his head.  

“You’re at a military hospital in Germany, everything’s alright, you’re okay,” she clips a heart rate monitor on his index finger before continuing.  “You were shot, the bullet just missed your heart, went clean through your shoulder instead.  You’re very lucky.”

Luke listened as she spoke about his vitals and apparent surgery and the extent of his injury.  After a minute or so, he just kind of tunes her out, her words blending together until one sentence in particular captures his attention. 

“-so once you’re a little more stable, you’ll be able to fly home.”

“Home?” Luke speaks his first words since waking up, his voice is cracked and his lips are dry. 

“That’s right,” she nods.  She explains to him that he would be honorably discharged, the Army feeling like his injury would prevent him from continuing to serve.  He would be sent home. 

Luke was quiet as she went on.  She talks about it like it’s a good thing, like he’s going on vacation, but Luke’s chest sinks.  He was getting sidelined- no, removed from the game altogether.  He felt like a failure and a coward- and what if people back home thought of him like that, too?  

A tiny bullet hole, no more than 10 millimeters wide, was taking the only job he’d ever been good at away from him.  

What would he do?  The army had become his life- his passion.  Where would he work?  Behind a desk?  Watching the clock tick until 5pm everyday?  Luke feels sick at the thought.  

The nurse used the word “lucky” two more times before leaving the room.  But Luke bit his lip, secretly wishing he would’ve just died out there in the desert.  

The plane ride home takes an eternity.  Luke can’t sleep, not even a little bit.  His arm is slung uncomfortably in a sling, and even though his shoulder is better, it still hasn’t fully healed. 

His parents met him at the airport.  It was odd that they were alone.  Every other time he’d visited home, you’d been right there beside them.  

Of course he was excited to see them.  But going home also meant going back to the aimless drifting he’d struggled with before enlisting. The feeling of having no purpose or reason.  

All Luke was ever sure of growing up, was that he loved you.  He watched as you left for college to pursue your passion, and never looked back.  He was happy for you, but it made him feel all the more stuck.  He never had any career goals or plans, and when he pictured his future, the only thing he was ever able to see was you.  

But when he quickly learned that his love would never be requited, that your friendship mattered more, Luke tried finding meaning elsewhere.  

The Army felt good, it felt right.  And Luke did well- he thrived, he moved his way up the ranks quickly.  He finally felt at home, for the first time since you’d left for school.  

Luke decided it was a good thing you weren’t with his parents.  He wasn’t ready to face you.  He wasn’t ready to admit he’d failed, at the one thing he cared about, the one thing he tried at.  

His mother hugged him tight, her arms embracing him just as lovingly as always.  She held him extra long. 

Pulling into his driveway for the first time in over a year and a half felt strange.  

“You painted the house,” he observed.  The classic, signature white color replaced by a dark, navy blue. 

“Yes,” his dad nodded, unbuckling his seatbelt.  “We did that last year.”

Luke nods.  It looked nice, the coat of paint fresh.  But it didn’t look like his home. 

He felt even stranger when he stepped inside to see all the furniture rearranged and everything just looking so different. 

“You knocked down the wall-” Luke noted.  

This time it’s his mother who answered. “Oh yes.  You know all those home improvement shows… always talking about open concept houses,” she mused.  “We decided to try it.  Doesn’t it make everything look bigger?”

Luke hums in response, but all he can think of is that the wall that was knocked down was the one you and him used to mark your height through the years.  He walks over to where it once stood and pauses, thinking back. 

“No, no, do me first!” you were eight years old and had jumped up and down excitedly, before stilling with your back pressed against the wall.  “I know I grew!”

Luke’s dad chuckled softly and made a tiny mark at the edge of the wall right above your head. “Look at that!” he exclaimed.  “You did!”

“Take that Luke!” 

Everything was a competition between the two of you.  

If only you had known back then that he would grow to be almost almost ten inches taller than you.  

Luke blinks the memory away before realizing his mother had asked him something, that he completely missed in his daze. 

“I asked if you were hungry, hijo.”

Luke shakes his head.  

After sleeping on cots, or even the ground for the past year, Luke found it hard to get comfortable in his soft, childhood bed.  He tossed and turned before realizing he was only going to keep getting more and more frustrated if he continued to lay here and try.  It didn’t matter if he didn’t get any sleep, it’s not like he had a job to do the next day. 

He decides to wander downstairs and into the living room, cursing under his breath as he stubs his toe on the edge of the couch.  Damnit, that used to be against the wall, he thought. 

Luke sits on the couch like that for a while, the silence was so loud.  He barely hears the light flick on in the hallway, or his dad approaching.  

“What’re you doing up?”

His father’s voice makes him jump. 

“Oh-” he says, startled.  I feel empty?  I feel alone and scared and lost?  I have no clue what the hell I’m supposed to do now? That was the truth.  But instead, Luke settled for, “My shoulder hurt.”

That seems to satisfy his dad.  

“I’m glad you’re home, son.” He says, joining him on the couch. 

Luke nods and lies through his teeth.  “Me too.” 

A couple of weeks after Luke arrived home, he saw his doctor to get the sling off his arm. After being told he’ll need physical and occupational therapy to fully recover, he signs some papers and heads home. 

When he pulls into the driveway, there’s an unfamiliar car parked in front of the garage with D.C. plates.  He doesn’t have to wonder long, who the mysterious guest is.  As soon as he opens the front door, it’s revealed.  

You’re standing with your back to the door, talking to his mom in the kitchen.  And god, Luke hadn’t been sure if he was ready to see you, but as soon as you turned around, he exhaled a shaky breath that he felt like he’d been holding in since he got home. 

He wants to rush over and pull you into his embrace, wants to hug you and never let go. 

“You’ve been home two weeks?” you ask slowly.  “Two weeks and you never called me?”  There’s hurt in your voice, but you still speak gently. 

Luke fiddles with the keys in his hand and shrugs.  You always took his breath away.  This time, that didn’t work to his advantage.  

You sigh. “Forget it, it doesn't matter.  I’m glad you’re home.”

With that you cross the room, closing the distance between you two.  When he opens his arms, and you still fit perfectly in his embrace, your head resting just above his heart, he finally, after two weeks, feels at home.  

Despite his protests, his mother throws him a welcome home party that evening.  Friends and family file into their two story house, and it’s all a lot to handle, but it’s okay- because you’re there. 

“How’re you doing?” you ask Luke, nudging his shoulder softly.  You’ve got a beer in your hand, which Luke notes as odd.  Last time he saw you, you didn’t drink beer. 

Luke smiles, “I’m good.”

He was getting way too good at lying. 

“So D.C., huh?” Luke asks, taking a sip of his own drink. 

You nod.  “Yeah, yeah I got hired at the firm I did my internship at.  It’s been great, I really like it.”

“Kinda far away,” Luke muses, he hates how petty his own voice sounds. 

You scoff. “So’s Iraq.”

That’s when Luke realizes he never told you why he was home, and that you probably assumed it was just a visit.  He clears his throat and is just about to speak when his cousin comes over, loud and seemingly already drunk. 

“Luke!” he calls.  “Luke! Welcome home, man!”

He pulls Luke in for a hug, making him wince as he pats a little too close to his bullet wound. 

“Your mom told me you were shot!” he boasts, like it’s something Luke should be proud of.  “You gotta tell me that story man!”

Luke notices your head snapping in his direction at the news of his injury- the news that until just now you had been totally oblivious to. 

Luke takes a large sip of his drink.  “Yeah, uh I don’t really remember much.” Another lie. Luke remembers every excruciating detail of that day- and he experiences it all over again every night. “Just went out for a mission then woke up in the hospital.”

There’s an awkward silence. Luke shrugs.  “Probably not the great war story you were expecting.”

You clear your throat before standing up, casually walking away from Luke and his cousin.  He sighs sadly as he watches you go, knowing he had disappointed you yet again. 

When his cousin finally started mingling with other guests, Luke was able to head off in search of you.  If he knew you at all, you’d escaped somewhere quiet, where you could process.  

But then again, you’d both changed. 

Luke finds you on the second floor patio, you’re leaning against the railing and staring straight ahead.  Only when he slides open the glass door do you turn.  

“Hey,” he whispers. 

“Hi,” you reply quietly.  Your voice isn’t nearly as angry as he thought it would be. 

“I- I should have told you I was shot.” 

“Yeah you should have.” You sound like you’re on the verge of tears.  “You could have died.”

He nods slowly.  

You bit your lip. “You also should have told me you were home.”

He nods again. 

But then you sigh, feeling defeated. “And I should have told you I moved to D.C.”

“It’s okay,” he shrugs. 

But you disagree. “We used to tell each other this stuff, Luke.  You used to be the first person I told anything to.” Your voice lowers as you whisper, “What happened to us?”

Luke’s at a loss for words, because he wished he had an answer for you.  He wished he had all the answers for you.  But instead he fumbled with his hands and shrugged. 

You study him up close for a moment.  It was unsettling how his face almost seemed unfamiliar after so much time spent apart.  

“We should get back to the party,” you say. 

Saying goodbye to you that night felt odd for Luke. 

“Think I’m gonna head home,” you told him. “Just wanted to say bye before I left.”

“Okay,” he mumbles, nodding slowly.  

You hugged him tightly, giving his hand one last squeeze before pulling away.  Luke felt unsettled the second that you walked out the door. 

Luke has a nightmare that night, which isn’t unusual.  He’s lying in the desert, with a hole in his chest, bleeding, and no one comes to save him.  And he cries out for help, but instead, more and more sand blows over his body, burying him deeper and deeper within its depths.  He keeps calling out, but his lungs are filling with the stuff.  Suddenly he can’t speak- he’s going to die here-

Luke shoots out of bed, his forehead slick with sweat while he pants.  He rubs his eyes viciously.  It was a dream, he thinks to himself.  Except it wasn’t. 

You’ve been in bed for a few hours when your phone rings on your nightstand, waking you up.  Groggily, you unplug it and check the screen, your eyes narrowing when you see it’s Luke calling you. 

“Luke,” you mumble into the line.  “It’s 2am-”

In response, all you hear is Luke’s unsteady breathing.  It immediately makes you sit up straighter in bed. 

“What’s wrong?” you ask, worry clouding your voice.

He inhales sharply, like he’s- crying?  Luke never cried. 

“Luke-” you plead.

You only wait another moment before you launch yourself out of bed.  “I’m coming over.”

“No,” his voice sounds like it’s on the verge of breaking. “Please- I can’t… I can’t be in this room anymore.”

You sigh, his sad voice making your insides squirm. “Okay,” you whisper.  “Do you want to come here?”

“Can I?” he sounds so small through the line, like he’s just a little kid again.  Suddenly you’re picturing Luke the first day you ever met him, it makes your chest ache.  

“Yeah, of course. Just- be quiet, my parents are sleeping.”

Luke climbs through your childhood window, like he used to when you were kids.   After he stands up straight and you get a good look at him, you sigh softly.  He looks like he quite literally rolled out of bed and walked here, which you suppose is exactly what happened.  He’s in an old t-shirt you recognize from his college days and a pair of sweats that hang low on his hips.  His tight curls are slightly disheveled, like he’d been rolling around on his pillow.  

He stands in your bedroom for the first time in years and even though he’s taller and more muscular, he still looks small.   

Luke looks around your bedroom and smiles weakly.  “It looks exactly the same,” he notes.  

You nod,  “Yeah-”

He doesn’t respond.  Instead he finds his way to your bed, where he sits.  Immediately, he brings his thumb to his lips and starts chewing on the nail, a habit he’s had since childhood.  

You narrow your eyebrows at him. “Luke, what’s going on?” you ask. 

He doesn’t answer right away, and you watch as his leg starts jiggling wildly. 

Finally, he takes a deep breath.  “I don’t know, being home- you’d think I’d be happy? But everything feels so strange and unfamiliar.”

You quietly join him on the edge of your bed, never looking away from him as you sit down. 

“My parents repainted the house.  And I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but everything just... looks different.  And they rearranged like, everything.  The cabinets and the furniture, and my dad got a new car.  I don’t know, maybe it’s me.  Maybe I’m different.” 

His pain is so raw and visible that it makes your chest ache, because what Luke feels, you feel too.  You put a shaky hand on his broad shoulder.  

He swallows the lump in his throat.  “I actually miss Iraq.  It was dangerous and far away from home, but I felt like I had a purpose, you know?” He takes a deep breath and shakes his head.  “I keep having this nightmare- where I’m laying in the sand after being shot.” He touches the spot on his chest the bullet burst through.  “And I’m laying there and I can feel it- like I feel the pain and I can feel the warmth of the blood running down my chest-  And I feel like I’m going to die.  Like it’s right there, you know? And then suddenly, all I can think about is you.”

You’re taken aback by Luke’s statement.  

“Me?” you whisper. 

“Since I’ve been home, I’ve just been- god, I’ve been so scared and lost.  But with you, first at the party today, and now- it’s the only time I’ve felt like myself.”

You’re at a loss for words.  Partly because it was two in the morning, but mostly because Luke, to this day, knew exactly what to say to make you flustered. 

He turns in his spot on the bed to look at you, his sad eyes meeting yours. “God, I’ve always just needed you so fucking bad,” he admits.  “I mean, ever since we were kids I’ve needed you.  And I think I always will.” 

You can hear your own pulse in your head, it’s pounding rapidly at Luke’s sudden declaration.  Paralyzed, you just stare at him, trying to process what he was saying to you.

“I thought I was going to die,” he breathes.  Then, he chuckles darkly, turning away.  “Sometimes I wish I had.”

His honesty makes you want to vomit- because the idea of living in a world without Luke was just so, so wrong. 

You bit your lip.  “Show me. Let me see it.”

Luke hesitated briefly before reaching for the hem of his shirt.  He peeled off the fabric revealing the skin that puckered around where the bullet had shot through his body. 

Luke barely felt it when you traced your fingertips over the mark, but he could see, when he turned his head, the tears glistening in your eyes. 

“I’m so sorry you had to go through this,” you said quietly, staring at the scar tissue.  “I don't know what I would have done if you hadn’t come home. I think that would have broken me, so even if you’re not glad you’re alive right now,  I’ll be glad for the both of us.”

Those are the words that make Luke slowly start to lean in closer to you, watching you carefully, as if he expected you to pull away – you realized that’s exactly what Luke was giving you the opportunity to do. You didn’t, of course.  And slowly, Luke’s lips connected with yours.  You kissed gently for a moment– his lips moving in sync with yours.  When he pulls away, he’s breathless. “God, I never thought I’d get to touch you again.”  His hands slide towards your hips, his fingers sliding underneath your shirt so that he’s touching your bare skin.  

Luke deepened the kiss suddenly, his lips growing needier by the second.  He gripped your hips and tugged you towards him swiftly, guiding you all the way to his lap, where you moved to straddle him. 

Luke kept his hands firmly planted on your waistband while yours found their way to his hair.  You tugged on the strands on his neck while trying not to focus on the fact that you could feel him hardening through his sweatpants beneath you.  

Luke broke away, but only so that he could start kissing you down your neck.  You sighed, tilting your head so that Luke could access your throat better. Your arms wrapped around Luke’s strong shoulders, and you kept them there, squeezing his biceps.

Luke’s kisses trailed down towards your collar bone, where he pulled the fabric back, giving him more skin to graze.  He let his fingertips dance to the hem of your shirt, where he tugged gently, a hint that he wanted it gone.  You obliged, gripping the cotton and shedding the layer quickly.  Your hips rolled and you arched your back when Luke started to suckle on the tender skin just above your breast, his tongue snaking down to graze and flick your nipples. 

Your breath was coming in fast as Luke kissed and sucked at your chest. You almost pouted when he pulled away, but before you had a chance, his arms were winding around your waist and he was flipping you onto your back.  

Luke paused for a moment to gaze down at you on the bed, his eyes dark with lust.  

“Beautiful,” he whispered.  

His fingers danced down your hips, barely grazing the skin before reaching the band of your sleep shorts.  

“Please,” you groaned, desperate for Luke to do something- anything.  

Luke hummed, then, and reached underneath your shorts, pulling them down and around your legs in one swift motion. 

Being exposed in front of Luke should have made you feel vulnerable, maybe even a little embarrassed.  But it didn’t.  Instead, you looked up at him, feeling safer than you had in a long time. 

The touch of Luke’s hands down your thighs sent your hips up off the bed, seeking friction and Luke, the jerk – the wonderful, beautiful, perfect jerk – didn’t even warn you before dipping his head between your legs and licking a long stripe up your burning heat.

You gasped, fighting to keep your hips still. You let your fingers find their way into his hair, and Luke gently licked up and down, like he knew exactly how to move to make you squirm. After a moment, you realized that you weren’t going to last long like this, and you needed to feel Luke, all of him before you burst.

“Luke, I -” you whined, pulling at Luke’s hair desperately. Luke sucked down where he knew you were most sensitive. You groaned. Your toes were already curling hard enough to make a joint pop.  “Please, Luke-” you pulled at his hair.  “Want you-”

“I’m right here,” he mumbled against your skin.  

“No,” you shook your head, needing him to understand.  “Want you- in-inside me,” you mumbled. 

Luke looked up from between your thighs, and for a moment you thought you might die right there and then.  Death by oral.  Honestly, you wouldn’t complain.  He licks once more up your entire slit before he crawls up the bed, his arms on either side of you, trapping you underneath him. 

You were looking up at him adoringly, with tears in your eyes. But before you could say another word, Luke was leaning down and kissing you again, murmuring sweet words against your lips that you couldn’t understand, because you were too focused on the way Luke felt so hard against your thigh.  

You let your hand trace down his back, only stopping when they’ve reached his sweats.  Your fingers snake underneath the fabric and tug them down.  Luke reaches down and aids your efforts.  It takes a moment for him to shimmy out of his shorts, but then he’s there.  On top of you.  

 “This okay?” he asks as he lines himself up with you.  

You nod. 

Despite what was literally 20 years of build up, things were sloppy and quick.  There was a certain eagerness in your movements, like you’d both been craving each other for far too long.  Your hand cupped the back of his neck.  Luke presses his forehead against yours right before sliding into you, making you exhale in pleasure.  

“Fuck,” he groans, the words escaping his beautiful, flush lips. 

You hum softly in agreement, it was hard to find the words.  You desperately just wanted to savor this- him. 

Your grip tightens around his neck, your fingers digging into his skin as he hits a certain spot inside of you, your body jolting against his.  

His head dips down to your neck and he begins suckling on your soft skin. 

“Luke,” you moan again, but your voice cracks, betraying you slightly.  

“I know,” he whispers, his hips rocking against yours as he slides in and out of you. 

You bundle the sheets beneath you in a tight fist.  If your eyes weren’t closed, you would have noticed the smirk that lingers on Luke’s lips, knowing it was him that had you writhing like this.  

Your walls begin to tighten around him, the sensation making him bite his lip in pleasure.  

He reaches one of his hands down and gently lifts your leg.  You let out a gasp once he’s able to push deeper inside of you.  

Luke picks up the pace of his thrusts, his own orgasm approaching quickly with yours. 

There’s a guttural feeling building in the pit of your stomach and you know you’re not going to last much longer. 

Luke reaches for your hand, lacing your fingers together as he brings your arm above your head. 

“Luke- I’m-” 

He presses his forehead against yours and nods.  “Me too,” is all he can manage to say. 

Luke grunts as he feels your warm walls clench around him.  It’s like a wave washes over your entire body- your back arching into the feeling, your head tilting back in elation.  A final cry escapes your lips, but Luke keeps his hand planted firmly on your hip as you squirm beneath him.  

His thrusts grow sloppier as the same pleasure takes over his own body shortly after.  He twitches inside of you, his arms almost giving out as his orgasm takes over. 

He breathes your name as he reaches his climax, his body shaking from the rush.  

As the feeling subsides, he slowly pulls out of you, flipping his body so that he’s laying on his back, beside you.  You both stare up at the ceiling, panting and out of breath.  

Slowly, he perches himself up on his elbow, his hand tucking a stray hair behind your ear.  You look over at him, your cheeks blushing a bright shade of red.  Gently, he dips down and kisses you softly.  It doesn't last long before he’s pulling away.  

Suddenly, a wave of emotions hits you like a bus, because holding back this secret that you were in love with Luke was exhausting.  You start to cry then. Tears leave hot streaks down your cheeks, but you don’t bother to wipe them.  You barely notice Luke’s face contort into a look of intense worry. 

You wonder if Luke will regret all of this in the morning, because now, you weren’t sure you could ever stop loving him.

“What’s wrong?” Luke’s voice is soft as he sits up in bed.  “Did I hurt you?” his eyes are darting up and down your body anxiously. 

You shake your head frantically, as you sit up with him. Luke takes the throw blanket at the end of your bed and wraps it around your shoulders lovingly.  His arm hovering, like he’s too afraid to touch you.   “I-” you stammer, trying to find the words.  “I-I’m in love with you” You finally blurt out through muffled sobs. “I’m in love with you- and I’m so afraid of that.”

The tension in the air is thick and stiff and if the clock wasn't blinking, you would have guessed time was standing still. But now too many moments are passing by with neither of you saying anything and it is as if both of you can feel the spin of the earth in the silence. 

“A-afraid?” he stutters. 

You nod, biting your lip.  “Afraid because I don’t know how to do this- I don’t know how to live without you- and-”

Fingers suddenly graze across the edge of your chin and Luke’s lifting your head up.  “I have loved you for so long,” he presses his forehead against yours.  

Doubts and reality began clouding your mind.  “But- I live in D.C. now, I have a job there and an apartment- That’s like… like four hours away-”

But Luke shakes his head.  “What if I moved there?”

“What?” you whisper.  “You’d move to D.C. with me?” 

“I’d follow you anywhere,” he states simply.  Reminding you of the day you left him for college. “Who knows?  Maybe there’s something there for me, too.”

His gaze slowly meets yours as he pulls your face towards his own, pressing a soft kiss to your lips. The kiss is broken after a second, when Luke pulls back and whispers. “I don’t want to do any of this without you anymore.”

And suddenly, time begins again. 

And you’re pulling Luke back to you, kissing him deeply and without care or caution. He runs his fingers through your feathered hair as more tears of relief stream down your face. Years of restraint finally melting away as he pulls you closer, closer, closer, trying to make up for the lost time and only feeling you press into him as if to say more, more, more. 

And though you’re not quite sure what you’re feeling right now, you know that you want to live in it forever. 

[lostbbygorl]

IN ANOTHER LIFE, FOR SURE: EREMIKA

Genre: FLUFF, MODERN AU, SLIGHT CANONVERSE AU, REINCARNATION AU

~~~~~~

Once again, Mikasa lay curled up in a ball like a kitten on top of Eren’s grave. Armin and Jean watched the sight of the young girl refusing to leave the side of her lover, even in death, a month after his passing, with melancholy in their eyes.

Mikasa told herself and everyone else that she was fine. She was strong, and nothing could change the past (Well, Eren could…). She knew she was lying, and so did everyone else, but what’s a girl to do if the man she’s loved since childhood were to never awaken again, and that too for the safety of humanity? She sobbed and she sobbed, and then she covered up all traces that she sobbed. It was a regular cycle. It was tiring. Nobody knew when it would end, but everyone mustered up all the sensitivity they had in them, and didn’t pressure her to make it end.

But enough is enough, and we all hit our breaking point. Mikasa Ackerman hit hers on a peaceful morning in a bed of bright purple flowers as a majestic bird flew over her. Connie had realized that Mikasa was sleeping longer than usual, and when he stooped down to shake her gently so that she’d rise, the horrified boy noticed that she was completely still, and devoid of any pulse, breath, or heartbeat.

And so, the last Ackerman woman was buried beside her lover, and teary eyes surrounded their eternal slumbers as friends and family said goodbye to them one last time.

The second time Mikasa opened her eyes, she was in a room with pastel walls and toys littered on the floor. Hey grey orbs were met by two overjoyed faces. One of a blond man, and the other of a raven haired woman. They fed her milk, played with her, and gave her unconditional love. And so, Mikasa grew into a beautiful, sensible young woman for the second time. Her life was a dream! Two amazing parents, a group of loyal friends, and unmatched beauty to top it all of, along with good grades of course.

But there was something she absolutely couldn’t explain! Mikasa would sometimes wake up in a cold sweat after a horrible nightmare, and sometimes a queer dream. These dreams didn’t occur every night, but they weren’t terribly infrequent either. Mikasa saw gigantic, hideous man eating beasts, and young ones around her age whooshing threw the air with blades to decapitate the beasts. She often saw herself behead the creatures, and she saw her best friend, Armin beside her too, along with her other friends. The less scary ones were just as confusing. She saw visions of herself on horseback riding through a dense forest, she saw visions of herself sparring with teens in military style uniforms. But the most confusing dreams, and the most common ones, consisted of a tall boy with dark hair and turquoise eyes.

She saw herself run beside him and fight beside him. She caught his name twice. What was it again? Oh, yeah, Eren Yeager. Mikasa had no idea why she saw this boy so often, and why a part of her mourned for him and yearned for him too. Oftentimes when she had nothing else to do, she’d wonder who he was, and if he did exist, was he doing well? A familiar sense of fondness washed over her everytime she thought of him.

It was finally time for her to go to college. The first day of college fell on the first snowfall, and it was cold outside. Mikasa shot Armin and Sasha a quick text to see if they were waiting outside the college campus for her as planned the week before, and then proceeded to leave her apartment, the keychains of her black Jansport backpack dangling as she walked.

The college halls bustled with chatter as new students and welcoming teachers conversed with each other and scurried around to find their classes. Armin was going off about his linguistics major and his excitement for his first class. Mikasa listened with a small smile on her face, till a particular new student nearly made her heart stop…

Standing in front of her was the boy she had been seeing in her sleep for the past 19 years. He was a tall, well built boy with his shoulder length hair tied in a halfway man bun, gleaming turquoise eyes, and a boyish smile that the girls definitely went wild over! He was currently talking to a shorter, lean female professor who Armin mentioned was Ms. Hange Zoe, the biomedicals head. “I feel like that subject will be the most interesting, what about you Mika? Mika? Hello! Earth to Mikasa!”, Armin said, taking her attention back to him. “Huh? Sorry. I zoned out”, she murmured.

“You were staring at that dude”

“Wasn’t”

“Was”

“Wasn’t”

“Hey, guys. Are yall new here too?”, the third voice joined in. It was Eren Yeager! Or at least, his doppleganger.

“Uh yeah. Hey, I’m Armin, and this is my best friend Mikasa”, Armin introduced.

“Nice to meet you both. I’m Eren”, the boy returned. The blood in Mikasa’s ears rushed and her hands quivered at Eren’s words.

“So, what are your subjects?”, Eren asked.

“I’m doing linguistics”, Armin chirped.

“Um, I’m doing psychology, Eren”, Mikasa stammered as she looked into his all too familiar eyes.

“Oh wow. Me and you are both doing psychology then. I shall see you in class”, he grinned.

“I wanna hang with you too though, Armin”, he added in a friendly manner. Armin and Eren made more small talk as Mikasa’s brain whirred 1000 miles per second. How? What the? One thing was for sure though, she’d get to the bottom of this boy no matter what!

“Um, can I have your numbers?”, Eren asked.

“Yeah sure. Armin, give him my number. I gotta rush to the toilet real quick”

“Sure, Mika”.

Mikasa ran to the nearest ladies washroom and locked herself in a free cubicle. There, she hyperventilated and attempted to calm down.

Her dreams would for sure be getting more intense tonight.

The fluttering of her heart and the tiny rays of sadness that she linked with this familiarly unfamiliar boy sure had gotten more intense….

[gucciwins]

Into You

Breakup’s bring heartache but they also bring a new beginning.

Word Count: 8658

A/N: Angst, it was fun to write. Honestly, I really loved this ending. I struggle with endings but this felt like the perfect one. Relationships take work and no communication can ruin that. Remember to love and to trust. I love you 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

Julia: Dinner at 7 Cafe Habana

Julia: He won't be there

You sigh at the sight of the second message. It's pathetic that your friends have to let you know, but you don't want to run right into him. It is the last thing you need but the thing you want most. 

Pathetic. 

Y/N: I'll be there x 

You look at the text you sent and sign grateful for her reaching out. You haven't seen your friends in a few weeks, and it's been months since you've been to your favorite restaurant. Everyone knows how hard it's been since the breakup. They aren't choosing sides, but sharing a lot of the same friends is hard. You live in the city, and he's always on the road, it's only fair he gets to go out with them because you know you'll have other opportunities. 

You wore a comfortable sundress and black flats, not wanting to drive in heels. A gold bracelet on your wrist, fingers bear no rings like you usually did. A ring tan sitting on your right index finger makes your eyes foggy, but you shake the thought away and enjoy the ride down PCH window down the ocean breeze coursing through your hair. Joni Mitchell on blast to overpower your thoughts of memories connected to this exact drive you're making. 

Walking in, you take a deep breath and smile as soon as you open the door. The smile drops instantly when you see who's sitting two seats away from Julia right next to Jeff. Brown curls and a broad back. Tattoo's on display. You see her mouth an apology and lifts her phone. You walk out without a second thought, hoping they didn't see you. 

Your phone rings once you're back in your car. It's Julia, so you answer.

"Hey babe, I didn't know I swear. He walked in with Jeff talking about how he was here for the weekend then going back home to London." 

"It's fine, toots." You sigh. 

"Are you doing okay?" She asks voice a bit low.

You're trying to choke back your tears, but it's hard. It's hard because he's so close yet so far. He seems fine, perfect even, and here you are crying in your car like a loser. 

"It hurts, and it hurts to know he's fine. He's not hurting like I am. I miss-" You cut yourself off as you feel your tears falling down like a waterfall. "I want the pain to pass." 

"Sweetie, do you want me to meet you at your apartment?" 

"No, just let them know my sister called me and that it was a family emergency, but everything is fine. I'm going to head to her house for the weekend. Hug, my nephews. Stuff my face in cupcakes." 

"As long as you promise to bring me one." 

You laugh for the first time in what feels like forever. "That I can do." 

"Next Saturday, Alex's birthday. Say you'll show up for him." 

"I'm there. Got his gift all wrapped up." 

"You're not alone." She reminds you. "Despite all you think, you're still our friend." 

"Thank you. I love you, toots." 

You know breakups are never easy, but this one flipped your entire world upside down. You're not sure what's up or down, left or right. All you know is you gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

The music is loud. It hurts your head, and you can't hear yourself think.

It's perfect. 

It's been so long since you allowed yourself to go out and drink. A party with friends is a guaranteed good time.

You decided to dress up. The way you dress is an excellent way to hide your emotions or so you've been told. A black dress, your favorite black dress. The little back dress that every woman is supposed to own. You paired it with red heels your sister gifted you two Christmas ago. Makeup was simple, but you did go with a bold red lip. It always made you feel more confident. 

You're three shots in when you hear a voice behind you. You ignore it at first but turn around when they say your name. 

"Jake?" 

"In the flesh." He jokes.

"Oh my gosh!" You bring him in a hug before pulling back to get a good look at him. "I didn't know you were in town. Do you know Alex?"

"No, his sister is my girlfriend." 

Your eyes widen. "No, we talk once a week, and you've never mentioned the girlfriend. Since when?" You punch his shoulder. 

"We've been together close to eight months now." A big grin on his face.

"My best friend is all grown up. Committed relationship, met the family, next is moving in or baby if you're following your dad's footsteps." You tease.

"No, baby, but we are moving in together. My lease in Seattle is up, and she has hers for another year."

"I'm happy for you." You place a hand on his forearm, letting it rest there. "She's amazing, and we get along so well. It's perfect." 

He nods, and you keep chatting as if no time has passed. It's comfortable with Jake, he's been your best friend since childhood, and although your sister thought you'd end up together, it just didn't work. You kissed once, and it was like kissing a wall. It's a sibling love, one that will never fade. 

He clears his throat, causing you to look at him. "I heard about," You cut him off before he can continue.

"Think everyone has, but I'm good. I won't lie and say I've been fine because I haven't been, but I'm getting better." You tell him truthfully. 

"Was it bad?" 

You run a hand through your hair. "Awful. No yelling, we never liked to yell just lots of crying. I did the crying, and he did the heartbreaking." 

He nods and hands you another shot that you accept happily. 

"I was so lost the first week that I thought about moving from the state, the country." You laugh at the thought now. "But here is home, at least for now." 

"Have you seen him? I know he always disliked me."

"That is true, could never get him to see you were just Jess to my Cece." 

"Obviously, I was Cece." He fakes a hair flip.

"Well, of course, all I do is go home and break out singing to any song."

"Never change, buttercup." He kisses your head and then tenses up. 

"Think I'd be six feet under if laser eyes existed." 

"What makes you say that." You go to turn around, but he doesn't let you. 

"He's at a table with Alex. Drink in hand, looking our way, and he doesn't look happy. Do you think he's going to march this way?" His hold tight on you.

You groan and lay your head on his chest. "If he made eye contact with you, then yes, he'll be over soon, so that means you got to go find your girlfriend, and I need the bartender's attention." 

"Always a phone call away. We leave on Friday, dinner Wednesday." Jake walks away and quickly finds Annie. He whispers in her ear, and she looks your way. A big smile on her face and you blow her a kiss. She grabs it and stuffs it in her boobs. Annie's a weird one, but she's the best. 

Knowing he's watching you makes you uncomfortable. He wasn't supposed to be here, this was your night, and now you just want to cry, don't even care about drinking anymore. 

You walk out to the balcony and smile at the sight of the moon. LA doesn't allow much stargazing, but the moon always shines bright. Now would be a perfect time for a smoke, except you don't do that. Always were miss goody-two-shoes.

"Nice night." His voice interrupts your thoughts. "A bit chilly for Los Angeles." The deep, smooth voice sends chills down your body, not the weather.

"Weather is always unpredictable here." You mutter.

"How you've been," Harry asks, stepping closer. 

"Fabulous." 

Sarcastic answer. How typical of you. 

"I haven't been that good either." 

You're close to tears. "What do you want, Harry?"

"I wanted to check on you. Haven't seen you at any gathering of our friends." He twists his H ring, keeping his hands busy. "Bit worried." 

"They're your friends, don't get no right going anymore." 

Harry's three steps away. "Not true, everyone in there cares for you. Just because we-" He stops.

He can't even say it. He broke up with you, and he can't even say it. 

"They all love you."

"Yeah, well, I wish I loved myself." 

Harry flinches as if you've slapped him. The words hurt him, but not as much as they hurt you. 

"Don't say that, love." 

You turn to him. "I'm sure you want to be friends, and that's great, but I can't now." You let your tears run down your face, not caring that he can see. "I love you, and I was sure you were it for me, but I can't stand being around you without wanting your arms around me. I can't see you talk to everyone yet, not talk to me, but most importantly, I hate that I don't get to be the one going home with you anymore." 

Harry remains quiet. Green eyes are filled with tears. 

"You have to understand." 

"No" You step close to him, heart close to beating out of your chest. "You have to understand that you destroyed us for your career. To benefit yourself, not caring what you broke along the way. It's been one month, and all I can think is that I'm not good enough for Harry Styles, the rockstar. No, he needs another famous person on his arm, not an elementary school teacher who doesn't own a pair of Gucci shoes."

"Please let me," Harry's voice cracks.

"A year. Twelve months. 365 days. All for what, all for nothing. "I love you," and "we'll have a small wedding." It was all a lie. I was just kept around for fun while you took a break from touring. Maybe I'll be good enough to write a song about."

"You don't get to do that." He cries.

"Why not!" You tell. "You broke up with me with no warning out of the blue. We had sex on the kitchen counter, and fourteen hours later, you broke my heart." You have so much sadness and anger, and you know you're close to drowning. "I had no choice but to let you go, but for all I know, you've let go of me weeks before." 

"I don't know what to say." 

"You're not the man I thought you were." You walk away from the hand on the door. Your back to him, his shoulders are shaking in sobs. "That's the most disappointing thing, you lost yourself in the industry now you're just one of them." 

You walk out and catch Julia's eyes. She goes to step forward but stops herself when she sees you shake your head no. You can name everyone in that room, but you know that at the end of the day they'll pick Harry. 

It hurts, but all one can do is pick themselves up and move on.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

The days go by slow, but Summer has finally arrived. The California heat is only rising, but it’s a cooler day, and you're at the beach when you look over at your sister laughing as her husband splashes her with water. 

Your stomach twists in the worst ways possible, you're jealous and green isn't a good color. You've spent most of the time caring for your two nephews seeing as your sister and husband worked not that you minded you did have the summer off. 

It's been four months since the breakup, and some days it feels like it was yesterday. The pain comes crashing back when you wake up and stretch your hand out to touch him but tense up because you know when you open your eyes, he won't be there. 

Malibu beach is not a place you've frequented, but little Ty asked for this specifically, and none of you never learned how to tell him no. 

You close your book and grab your phone from the bottom of the bag. Slip your hoodie over your head, the breeze picking it up, and adjust your black shorts. You signal to Tess that you're going for a walk and that you have her phone. She sends a thumbs up. There you go on a walk with your back towards the sun. 

It's funny, before dating Harry you walked the beach every Sunday on your own. Enjoying the laugh of families and the seagulls flying high. Then he joined you and together hand in hand, you'd walk down talking and sometimes just taking in the silence allowing the waves to do all the talking for you. Towards the end, he'd convince you to stay in and cuddle him, and beach Sunday became cuddle Sundays. You can’t remember a time you did go on a walk alone again when you were with him. 

In the end, you lost both. Lost Harry and lost the love of the ocean because of the painful memories tied to it. With time you must remember the things lost and changed, but this is something you're reclaiming. Routine is constant and good. It gives stability and strength. 

"Sweetie," you hear someone yell but keep on walking. It's probably a child going in too deep. 

You stop when you hear your name being yelled and turn expecting to see Tess but instead are met with kind blue eyes. A sincere smile on her face. It's Anne. 

"Oh dear, thought it was you." She says. 

"Hi, Anne." You say a bright look of surprise on your face. 

Anne steps in close and puts her arms around you in a big hug. A mother's embrace is one you've longed for and will continue to long for the rest of your life. Anne treated you as a daughter from the moment you met, and that's something you're sad to have lost. 

"You look so tan, how long have you been in town?" You ask, admiring her as you pull away. 

"A week. Came down to visit Harry." She offers a small smile at the name of her son.

"That's great. Summer's a good time to enjoy the ocean here." Anne nods, agreeing. "How were you able to spot me?" You ask genuinely surprised she was able to do so. 

"I'd recognize you anywhere. The yellow jumper helped."

You look down and chuckle. "It does shout "look at me."" 

You stand there a few more seconds looking around nervous to ask her to join you, but you really liked her company, and as much as you like being alone now was not the time.

"I was just walking down, would you like to join me?" You look down at your toes afraid she'd say no. 

"Oh, yes, my dear. Sounds fantastic." 

She takes a step forward, and off you go. It's quiet, not the uncomfortable kind, but allows you to get lost in your own thoughts with no pressure of not starting a conversation. Your thoughts are calm, it might be the ocean or Anne, but you're grateful. Losing Harry wasn't just losing him, it was losing everyone that he introduced you to. You were friends for over a year before you started to date. You met Anne a month into the friendship, and it was easy. She doted on you for your kind and quiet nature. She had said something about your aura being pure. 

You didn't have a mom, she died when you were three in a car accident. Your dad being in and out of rehab but enough to keep the roof over your head. Once Tess turned eighteen, she got an apartment and moved you both in. At eleven years old, you got the call your dad died. Tess adopted you, and ever since then, it was the two of you. That is until she met Andrew in a biology class. He helped Tess pass with an A. Turns out that he was studying to be a doctor. They started dating once the semester was over and didn't look back. Tess was always a good student, maintaining A's and B's while caring for you. Andrew learned of the situation and didn't leave like most people would do no, he stayed right there. He became a constant and even began to help with school work and projects. You always told Tess that you were preparing her to be a great mom. Andrew's family was very accepting of Tess; they treated her as their own, but you never felt like you belonged. It was the perfect family, but you didn't see where you fit in. Tess knew that, but she reminded you that she wasn't going to walk away from you that you would always be her number one. To this day, it stands true, obviously falling a little under her children, but love still strong. 

But with Anne, she didn't see you as someone broken or lost but someone who needed a bit more love. Love is what she has given you, she became your friend, someone you could trust in along with Gemma. It felt like your world was falling apart when Harry broke up with you because you couldn't turn to them, and your sister had her family to worry about. You always were good at becoming unseen when needed. Never wanting to be a bother. Except, here with her by your side, you don't know how you're supposed to let her go. 

Anne stops walking and takes a seat in the sand, placing her sandals by her side, and you join her without questioning her. 

"I waited for your phone call. Every day for the past week when Harry gave me the news even though I knew you wouldn't call." Anne cleared her throat softly. "I hoped you would."

You sigh. Those words were enough to bring tears to your eyes. You thought you were dried out of tears, but you were wrong. "I was close on many nights but- I-I it felt wrong too. He's your son, how could I do that to him?"

"He may be my son, but you're important too. My heart has enough space in there for you in a relationship with him or not."

You nod. Trying to wrap that around your head that she loves you even though Harry does not.

"The breakup came out of nowhere. The day before we're fine talking about adopting a cat and the next, he sits me down to tell me we're breaking up." You block the memories trying to resurface and trace small circles on the sand. 

You did out a seashell and cleaned it off before asking your question.

"Did he tell you why he was doing it?" It hurts to ask, but you need to know if he was honest with her.

Anne sighs but nods. "He said that it wasn't going to work out. You couldn't handle the public eye anymore and that it would only continue to affect you and your job. Said something about not fitting the image." 

A tear falls down, but you're quick to wipe it away. "He sat me down and told me we were breaking up. Didn't let me ask why or anything. A year together is nothing in this industry, we barely made it a month to the public eye. You'll be forgotten quickly, also tell me that because he was working on the new album, he needed an image more than the one he had." 

"That's not who I raised him to be," Anne says, disappointment evident in her voice.

"Although he broke my heart, I still love him. I still love him as much as I did when we first got together. I just don't trust him." 

Anne grabs your hand and links it together. She anchors you together because although she knows that she said you can count on her, this would most likely be the end of your relationship. Neither of you wants to admit it. 

"It's funny, the first month I avoided every place we ever went together, and it was hard because we did a lot around here. There are roads I avoid completely. This is my second time back at this beach, and I loved it here." You run a hand through your tangled hair due to the ocean breeze. "But now I'm going back to these places, and I pray every time I get out of the car not to run into him even though that's exactly what I want to happen. It's cliche, I know, but I really did lose my best friend." The tears are falling silently, and you are grateful Anne doesn't comment on it, but you swear you can see her eyes glisten. You rest your head on her shoulder and look out at the waves, no clouds in sight, just a clear blue sky. How you wish your brain would look this blank. 

There's so much you want to tell Harry now months after the breakup, but there's the fear of breaking down in front of him.

"Anne" 

"Yes, darling." She responds softly. 

"I-I uh-" You clear your throat. "If I were to give you a letter to Harry, would you give it to him. There are some things I need to get off my chest, and he needs to know." 

"That I can do." 

You sit up and grab both her hands and bring them to your chest. She looks at your love and sadness in her eyes. "You can only give it to him when you know he's better. He will need to hear this later when our hearts don't ache as much. When you as a mom realize he needs it. It'll be the closure we both need."

"I promise."

You make plans to meet for breakfast the next morning as she has no plans and knows he's busy. You'll deliver the letter and be on your way, closing that door behind you. You spend half an hour together more before you walk her down to the pier and make your way back to your sister. Heart heavy but not as broken.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

You roll over and smile when you see Harry still asleep. He's lying on his stomach, and his head turned in your direction. You lay on your side, happy to admire him. There's a hint of a smile on his face, must be from the dream he is having. His long eyelashes resting on his cheeks, looking delicate and fragile. Not an inch of stress on his face. You can't help yourself and bring your index finger up to trace over his plump pink lips. Soft. You stop when you see him twitch a little but continue when he lets out a small snore. The room is quiet; your apartment is not located on a busy street, something your sister said was a must for when your nephews came to stay. You let Harry rest and get up going to the living room. You sit on the floor looking out at the window at the birds flying around, chirping away basking in the morning sun. You hear the creek of your door and know Harry is on his hunt for you. He's clumsy, so you won't be surprised if he crashes into the couch. He still must be tired. You hear a quiet "shit" and let out a chuckle. He stumbled around the corner with his misplaced shoes. You don't comment on it knowing he'd just turn the blame on you because he got out of bed for you. 

"Poppet, after last night, I thought you'd like to wake up in my arms." Harry sits behind you, the blanket wrapped around him now being placed over you as he drags you into his lap. 

"I'm an early riser, you know that." 

He sighs into your ear. "Means I didn't tire you out enough last night."

"Oh no, you did just that. The bruises are proof."

He laughs and kisses your neck lightly three times. 

"Coffee in the kitchen if you want some. Also, some muffins Gabby bought me for taking her dog on the hike with me."

"I want something else for breakfast." He whispers into your ear. His hand sliding up your thigh. He's met with your black shorts, he knows there is nothing underneath seeing as he put these on for you. "Will you let me?"

"Only cause you asked nicely." 

Harry is quick to lay you on your back. Your shorts come off just as quickly, he pushes your shirt up to expose your breasts. He sits back on his knees and allows you to see how hard he is in his shorts.  

"You're beautiful" He breathes out. "A true dream." 

"You told me that last night repeatedly." You remind him how he whispered in your ear at dinner with your friends around how the red dress had him hard as soon as he saw you walk in. You knew that if he picked you up, you would not have left your apartment. The night ended precisely how you wanted with Harry in your bed. Three months dating, it felt right. 

It was perfect. 

He leans in, placing small kisses on your calves, slowly moving up to your thighs. He kissed last night's bruises gently, a reminder of how rough he got once he got a taste of you. It drove him crazy. 

"Smell so sweet." He dragged his lips up to your core. His tongue between your folds, you moan softly under him. He pressed little kisses to your clit, you felt him smiling against you when he felt your thighs begin to tremble.

You let out a louder moan when he slipped a finger inside, your hands reached down to grasp at his hair. He pulled back to look up at you with dark eyes, smiling at you with wet lips. 

"You're a tease, baby." You breathe out as he slips in a second finger. He moves slowly, building up the pressure. 

He brings his mouth back down to your clit, gently grazing his teeth over it. 

"Oh, fuck!" You gasp. 

"C'mon poppet, come for me." A moan leaves your lips when his tongue picks up speed, making up for the loss of his fingers. "Please, let go for me."

You grip his hair harder, letting your orgasm take over your whole body. His tongue slowing down as you throw your head back and lay your hands on your side. He slowly works you through it until he sees your breathing come down, gentle kisses to your hips. He works up until he gets to your breasts. He leans in kissing each one gently. "Sorry, I neglected these beauties. I got so lost in you." 

Harry continues to move slowly, but you have had enough of slow. You pull him up into your arms, until he settles on top and kiss him until it leaves you breathless. 

You taste yourself on him, Harry kissing you harder as your hand begins to trail down to his shorts. He breaks the kiss and leans your head left, giving him more access to your neck, which he accepts quickly. He's slow and gentle compared to last night. 

"Going to let me make love to you, poppet." You nod wishing he'd move quicker as he kicks his shorts away. 

“Yes” You whisper, he’s building up the anticipation. 

He lines himself up, slowly pushing in. You let out a whispered fuck at his size. He goes in gently, not wanting to hurt you, always wanting you to feel good. 

Harry leans forward, kissing you as he begins to move against you. 

"Baby," You breathe out. "B-baby-y-y faster." 

Harry keeps your lips close, his breathing picking up. Whispered words against your lips. “I'm going to make love to you for the rest of my life. It's you and me, poppet." 

Your eyes shoot open, and you're quick to look around. You're in bed, left side empty. 

He's not here. 

He hasn't been here for months. Why does he keep coming back? Your brain needs to let him go, but you know that isn't the one holding on to him. 

You get out of bed and walk to the kitchen for a glass of water. There has never been an easy way to move on. This letter might be the best start.

 Harry,

I love you. I'll always love you. 

That's hard to stay, but it's the truth. You are my best friend. Remember the first time we talked on the phone and how we didn't want to hang up, so we talked about everything. From my first broken bone to your job at a bakery. You told me all about your childhood and all your dreams. At that time, I thought I would be at your side cheering you on as you were accomplishing them but that’s not the case. Just know that I'll be rooting for you.

I'm sorry I didn't fight for you. Guess it seemed like I didn't love you, but I did. I do. I think only ever having my sister on my side, I never realized I never learned to fight for those I love. Never doubt my love, it's real.

Don't be afraid to move on and love again, you deserve it. You deserve the greatest love out there. 

Remember, just because you love summer doesn't mean it can stay because who knows what October can bring. 

Maybe one day we'll find a way back into each other's lives, but until then, take care, H. 

Y/N

You put it in the envelope and seal it. You write his name on the front. 

It's time to close the chapter, time to move onto the next. 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

October has finally rolled in, and you couldn't be more excited. Autumn brings in the cold and the changing of the leaves, but if you were to ask the students, it just means candy. For the month each Friday, a new activity is done in honor of Halloween. Your classroom is decorated in pictures drawn of your student's favorite movies. As well as small pumpkin string lights your sister gifted you last year. Your classroom door has black paper covering it and white ghosts—22 one for each student with their name on them stuck to it. You added caution tape to give it more detail. Then added small pumpkins around. It reads "Spooky Students" the class had a good laugh at the name, proper pleased. 

The first week was simple, doing a math game. 

Candy corn math. 

The children enjoyed it, all having fun adding and subtracting. Tina ate one and almost cried because she thought she'd get in trouble. You assured her it was all for fun. Then let them all eat their treats as you played them Halloween music. Fridays are meant to relax and have fun. That's exactly what you show your students. 

The second week they make spider headbands. Grace, your teacher assistant, helps with the cutting and stapling. The students enjoy gluing the spider's eyes most. It's an easy project when the students are focused on it. You have an hour of the day left and decide to play, It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. It's starting, and as you're organizing the glues and packing away the scissors in their pencil boxes, Nicole, the front desk assistant, tells you there's a package you have to sign for. You nod to Grace to look over the class, and she gives you a thumbs up in return. As you reach the main office, you see a baker with two boxes chatting with Matthew Collins, the Vice-Principal. 

"Good afternoon gentlemen, I assume this is for me." You say, pointing to the pink boxes. 

"Good afternoon, got your kids treats, I see." He acknowledges. 

You shake your head, stepping to look at the note sitting on top of the box. You flip it open. 

Figured you and the children deserved a sweet treat. Take care, honey. xx Anne 

PS: A dozen snickerdoodle cookies are waiting for you at home. 

Anne, always so sweet and thoughtful. You had kept in contact with her after that time you handed her the letter. You came to realize you couldn't lose her, and she wasn't about to let you go without a fight. 

"A good friend actually sent them, knows how excited we get for October." You tuck the note in your cardigan pocket. 

"Well, that's a great friend to have. I hope your class and you enjoy it. Have a great weekend." Mr. Collins leaves, and you bid goodbye to the baker. 

As you make your way back to your class with two dozen cupcakes, you can't wipe the grin on your face. They are going to be so excited. The cupcakes are half chocolate and half vanilla. The orange frosting swirled beautifully on each one, each topped with a spider ring. 

You return, and all the kids are focused on the scene when Sally begins to yell at Linus as he's waking up for making her miss the Halloween festivities. Grace is quick to help you tell the kids you have a surprise for them all. The movie still plays as Grace places napkins on their desks. 

"A friend sent me a treat for you all because she heard how wonderful you've been doing." You tell them slowly approaching closer for them to see the box in your hand. "Say, do any of you like cupcakes." Cheers filled the room with your words. 

You both worked fast to give them each a cupcake of choice, no arguing whatsoever. Kind students you have. Grace grabs chocolate, and you grab the last vanilla for yourself. Grace lets you know she's going to get waters from the cafeteria to give to them. 

You sit at the back counter legs cup, leaning against a llama poster that says, "We love learning." A small gift for Julia. You grab the cupcake and fix your spider headband before taking a picture to send to Anne. 

Y/N: Cupcakes were a real success. I can't thank you enough. Love you, xx.

Anne: Don't you look precious. 

Anne: Glad, you all enjoyed it. Love you xx

It's an excellent way to end the week with a sweet treat from Anne and good old classic Charlie Brown. 

It is now the third week. The four first grade classes made a trip to the pumpkin patch. The school budget did get slightly raised this year, allowing you to buy small easy to carry pumpkins for each student. Parent chaperones are enabling you to make smaller groups to take each student to different activities. Your small group of six decided on the slide mountain that was atop of bales. It was fun, even going down yourself. Then that led you to picking pumpkins. Joey has trouble deciding before leaving the slightly bigger one when his arms got tired. You decided to get two big ones and two small pumpkins to take to your sister's house and you could carve together this weekend. It was now your turn for the hayride, and Chloe was really excited. She was the first one on, and as the trip went on, her head kept turning, wanting to see it all. This place really outdoes themselves each year, decorations only getting better. As it was closing time to go back to school, all students sat at the tables awaiting their apple cider and cinnamon-sugar donuts. 

You were about to take a seat next to Henry, the shyest student in your class when your name is called. You turn around and see Jeff, Harry's manager, and friend. 

"Hi Jeff," You step close and accept the hug he offers. 

"How have you been?" He asks.

You nod. "Good, welcoming the cold weather."

"It is nice."

Your grin begins to fade slightly as the small talk gets awkward. It's been a long time since you've seen Jeff. Not at all, forgetting how important a friend he was to you as well as Glenne. 

"What brings you here?" 

"On a class field trip." You gesture to the table behind you, seeing the kids sneak glances at you. 

"That is wonderful, good class this year?" 

You grin thinking about each of your students. "The best."

"Her cider is getting cold." Susan whispers, the small wide-eyed blonde says to Joey, worrying for you. 

"I've got to go back, probably going to bomb me in questions as soon as I sit."

"Of course." Jeff smiles in understanding.

"Tell Glenne I say hello. Take care, Jeff." 

You turn around, heading to the table. You laugh as your students quiet down as you take a seat. 

"Alright, what do you want to know now?"

The students always take your mind off everything. No conversation is ever dull, still trying their best to find out more about their teacher. 

Although seeing Jeff was nice, he's not the person you wished to run into every day. 

No, that someone has beautiful brown curls and emerald green eyes. 

The end of day breezes by, back in the classroom, the students grabbed their backpacks and walked out front to meet their parents. As you tidy up the classroom, Grace walks in a tight smile on her face. You know she has something to ask, but don't pressure her to do so. 

"Was that man a friend, we saw you with," Grace asks, wiping down the desks, "mom's were gossiping, thinking you were being asked out or was an old flame. Don't have to tell me, but he did look like a friend, at least an old one." 

You close your planner, happy with the coming week's plan. "My ex's friend.." You explain. "We were close. He was always kind and welcoming. Lost a lot of people during the breakup." 

She shoots you a small smile. "Never easy, but you don't get through it alone. Some people are meant to come into your life as lessons." 

Grace's optimism never fails to make you grin. "That is really nice to hear." 

"I keep waiting for the grand gesture for my ex to sweep me off my feet." Talking about this, tears at your heart, but it has weighed you down. "I just want to run into him. Go to our favorite places in hopes of seeing him even just for a moment." 

"That means you're not ready to put yourself out there?" Her voice was full of curiosity.

"Correct. I love Harry, I always will, but my heart seems to be holding on for some reason." 

"I'm a phone call away if you ever want to get drunk and watch movies and eat our weight in food." She offers sincerely.

"I'll keep that in mind." 

Grace bids you goodbye and walks out. It's nice to be reminded you have people around you supporting you, but all you want today is to see the sunset and you know just the spot.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Malibu is known for having the best spots for the ocean view and standing here, a blanket wrapped around you, hearing the waves continue to crash with the rocks below you believe it is. You came here because you know not many people know about this location and if the other two cars there say anything about it continues to be unknown. 

Growing up in Southern California, you have always been grateful to have the ocean nearby. You and your sister would always make your way here to celebrate good days or to clear your head. You spent your day here when you got accepted into UCLA and when Andrew proposed to Tess. This place is full of good memories; it's like being there all the bad in your life disappears. Bringing Harry here for the first time was a big step in your relationship, it was you letting him get to know you, no barriers in the way. 

You hear a car pull up, but don't bother looking over thinking the person might be heading down the trail. It's a couple, and you can hear the girl whisper something then heads off to the dirt trail. You're not sure how long you stand there when you take one final look before unwrapping the blanket and placing it in your trunk. Just as you are about to close it, you hear your name called. 

You turn around quickly and are surprised to see him. You weren't even aware he was here, last you heard he was on the last leg of his world tour. 

He's dressed in a black Columbia hoodie, grey Nike shorts, and black running shoes. His hair has beautiful long curls, and he's got a clean-shaven face, always made him look younger but does give a good view of his strong jawline.

"Harry," You breathe out. 

Your heart is beating so fast you think it might jump out of your chest. You've been waiting for the day you run into him, but it was not today.

It might be the worst day. After a field trip with first graders, no one is making out as clean as they arrived that morning. Your lavender knitted sweater has sugar stains, and your old blue jeans have dirt on your knees from kneeling to help with the pumpkins. You wore old black converse never bothered with the dust, but this time you wish you had your back up pair. You don't even want to imagine how your hair looks. You snap out of your thoughts when Harry stops giving you a once over and breaks the silence.

"I always seem to find my way here." He tells you, looking down at his shoes. 

You sit in your open trunk of your CR-V and scoot over to let him know to sit. He does so without saying more. It's a heavy silence, but you don't give it much thought looking out at the ocean. 

"I got your letter." 

The letter you wrote four months ago. If you're honest, you didn't think back to that since you handed it over to Anne. 

"When?" You questioned.

"Two weeks ago," He looks over at you, staring at you, waiting for you to look over at him. "How long did mum have it?"

You lock eyes with him, his eyes filled with curiosity and kindness. "Since June." You look away, not able to take in all the emotions coming up. "Guess you were finally ready for it."

Harry nods and stands up, and he walks a few steps before making his way back to stand in front of you. He looks nervous about sharing, and all you can do is offer him a smile. He lets out a deep breath. 

"I went on this date that Jeff set up for me, and it was awful. Nice girl, but everything felt wrong. It was wrong." He runs a hand through his loose curls as if to get rid of the nerves. "I looked at her, closed my eyes, and opened them, and the person I wanted it to be was not in front of me." 

Harry's looking at you as you try to wrap your head around his words. You don't know how to respond. He was waiting for you, but he was the one who left you. 

"You didn't realize it until then?" You're confused. It took him eight months to realize he made a mistake. 

He stares right at you, not wanting you to miss his next words. "I realized it the second you walked out the door." 

Your face drops at his words. 

Harry runs a hand down his face before taking a step forward. "I tried to find you. I would go all over Los Angeles hoping to run into you, but I stopped after the party when you told me the truth." 

"I was harsh, felt awful at how I handled it afterward." 

"Don't apologize," he gives you a half-smile, "I deserved that. Honestly, I needed it." 

You both go silent. You're staring at one another, memorizing each other's faces that you had begun to forget. You could stare at Harry forever, and you always told him that he had a face one could get lost in forever, finding new details to memorize. 

"Do you even remember that night?" You ask because you know you do. It used to haunt your dreams until it didn't. That day no longer lingers at the back of your head, but if you think back to it, all the emotions come again, hitting you harder than ever.

Harry sighs, "Every time I close my eyes." 

You walk into your apartment, surprised at the quietness. Harry always liked to have music playing. He's sitting on the couch staring at the black screen of his phone. 

"H, ready to cook dinner, got home early because you said you wanted lasagna tonight. Always faster when we cook together." Stepping closer to see why he's sitting so still on the couch. 

"Sit with me." He whispers, patting the seat next to him. 

You sit down, reaching to grab his hand, and he lets you. He squeezes it tightly before letting go. 

"I love you." His eyes meet yours. He looks in pain. "But I'm breaking up with you."

A million thoughts run through your head. Harry's breaking up with you. He's leaving you.

He looks at you, waiting for you to say something. "It's not easy for me, but it's what's best for my career. I will be going back on tour soon, releasing a single. You wouldn't handle all the attention with paparazzi well, so I'm saving you. It's easier for others in the business, but you wouldn't survive this" 

His words cut daggers into your heart.

It's best for my career.

It keeps repeating in your head, his job, he doesn't think you're enough for his lifestyle. You weren't enough to keep him happy.

"Harry, it doesn't-" The tears are rolling down your face, you can tell he wants to reach over to wipe them, but he holds himself back. "So this is it?" 

He nods. "The end for us, but we can-" You cut him off before he can say, friends. 

You already had him in your life as a friend. You can't go back to that not after knowing how he loves being the little spoon, how much he loves his hair being played with, but most importantly, how kind and gentle of a lover he is. He has so much love to give and do not receive that any more will break your heart: no kisses, no hugs, and no love. 

You grab your keys, bag, and slip your shoes on. "Goodbye, Harry." 

He stands eyes red, he looks sad, but he has no right. He wanted this, not you. His house had become a second home, but now you feel like an unwelcome guest. You walk out without looking back each step towards your car, making you cry harder. 

This is the end. An end, you never saw coming.

It seems like you were both lost in the memory when you hear Harry begin to weep quietly. Your heart pulls you in two ways, wanting to comfort him or sitting there, letting him cry, but before you can decide, he's wiping his tears.

He lifts his head to meet your eyes, his eyes keep filling with tears, but he doesn't bother to wipe them anymore. "Are you happy?" he whispered.

You nod a small smile on your face to assure him. "I am. I'm not sad and miserable anymore, but I'm also not filled with sunshine. I lost a lot when we broke up; you have to know that," He nods letting you know he's listening. "I also found myself, found love I lost over the years. Found love in me." 

He smiles when he hears that his dimples were coming out. "That day at the party, I was in the worst place possible, but I reached out to my sister and told her I needed therapy. I wouldn't have gone if it weren't for my sister's support. Honestly, you were in the back of my mind because you shared to me how important and impactful it was for you, and I know I had so much to share not just from the breakup but from my childhood." 

"I'm glad." He chokes out his voice, rough from crying. 

"I am too." You smile because this is nice. All the running you did didn't allow you to talk with Harry, but the time has come, and you're grateful for that. 

"I wasn't planning on coming up here today, obviously," You gesture to your dirty clothes. "I had that pull to come here as soon as I was pulling out of the school parking." You confess to him.

"I finished a yoga class and was on my way home when I took the wrong exit," Harry corrects himself, "Or well the right turn looking at it now." 

You're not sure where you stand with Harry, but you both know the feelings are still there. As if they never left. 

"We can't pick up where we left off." 

Harry nods, agreeing. "In that case, may I take you out on a date Sunday?" 

"I'd love that, Harry." 

You stand up and pull him in for a hug. You know you surprise him because he tenses up before wrapping his arms around you. You sigh as you feel Harry squeeze you tight. He breathes you in, and you can't help but let out a small laugh. 

"Did you just sniff me?" You're laughing against his chest feeling his heartbeat pick up.

"Oi, don't laugh at me. You smell like strawberries." He defends. 

"Pretty sure I smell like dirt and sweat. A field trip running around kids will do that to you."

"I disagree." He pulls back to look down at you, but you keep your head on his chest, liking being in his arms. "Always smell great." 

You move to pull back, thinking it must be too much too soon for both of you, but Harry doesn't let you. He holds on tighter. "Couple more minutes, please love," He whispers against your hair. You nod and let him begin to sway you both gently as if you were both ones with the wind. 

"Is it too forward to ask to kiss you?" Harry asks timidly.

You lean back and laugh before looking up at him, his eyes hopeful but also knowing. "It is." 

"It was worth a shot." 

Harry leans in to gently press a kiss to your forehead, his lips soft. He steps back after a few seconds. "I'll call you."

You nod. "Please do."

Harry holds his car door open but makes no move to step in as if waiting for something. You don't want him to leave. 

"Harry," You call out. He turns around and shoots you a cheesy smile causing you to smile back. "I really want you to kiss me, trust me but," 

Harry nods in understanding. "Slow and steady, love." 

You stare at him, and his eyes are bright and hopeful. Hopeful in their future together. "Slow and steady, we can do that."

Just like that, you and Harry both drive away from each other, but your future together has never looked brighter.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Thank you for reading! I love you 

Come talk to me and tell me what you thought of Into You 

[bruh-haikyuu]

Hey! Can I request the Seijoh teams reactions to finding out that Kyotani has a gf whose the total opposite of him? She's from another school but these hoes manage to spot them getting close behind a corner when she comes to support Kyotani at an official game or sm. Btw, I really enjoy your writing! 💖

A/N: you see,,, I deadass have this complex for delinquent-looking characters who are actually soft. Even though the chances of coming across one of those is rare, THOSE KINDS OF PEOPLE ARE MY TYPE. SO THIS REQUEST REALLY WENT AND S P O K E TO ME. THANK YOU ANON FOR QUENCHING MY THIRST

cingulomania. | kyōtani kentarō

word count: 2057

warnings: some swearing!

(n.) a strong desire to hold a person in your arms

At first, Kyoutani had been your neighbor. True to everyone’s surprise, he was much shyer in person regardless of how much boys and girls in your neighborhood told you that he was a monster. You thought that he was alright.

It was when both of your parents introduced you to each other that you started to slowly build the foundation of your friendship. He’d timidly nag you to help him play volleyball and dirty your clothes when you accompanied him to check on the stray dogs by the river. You’d drag him up to your room to play pretend restaurant and ask him to pick out one of your frilly dresses to wear to a birthday party. Your differences didn’t matter to any of you. You thought that he was kind.

He was ‘Ken-chan’ to you for a rather long while until he’d snap at you to stop calling him by that nickname. You were hurt, of course. As any other 10-year old would. But you had complied to his demands, even with tears and snot streaming down your face. He had never yelled at you, not even once. So he had hugged you that day, engulfing you with his regret and affection. And that was when it started for you. You thought that he was kind of cute.

Your feelings for your childhood friend didn’t remedy as time passed; much to your chagrin, you felt that it simply multiplied. Especially as the both of you matured into your second year of junior high, when Kyoutani decided that he wanted to have his volleyball skills “known and feared throughout the prefecture”. But was there really a need for it though? You thought that he was already amazing.

In your last year of junior high, you felt a rift beginning to form between the two of you. It had become increasingly difficult to even spend time together, especially with your high school entrance exams looming over the corner. The lunch box you usually reserved for him had gone cold from being untouched for months. You had made many friends in hopes to fill the growing hole in your heart while he had made multiple… adversaries. You didn’t like making hunches, but it had seemed like Kyoutani was deliberately avoiding you. He’d run off quickly whenever he saw you and barely replied to your texts anymore. It was like he never wanted you in his life to start with. You had cried in heartbreak from the thought. You thought that he was selfish.

After what seemed like ages without contact, Kyoutani had finally called out to you, saying he wanted to talk. You were angry, seething even; you considered turning him down. This was the same boy who avoided you like a plague for months. But he was the same boy you grew up with and by the graces of your ancestors, fell in love with. You hadn’t even thought of an outcome when you accepted his invitation. It wouldn’t matter to him anyway. You thought that he was spontaneous.

══════ ⋆★⋆ ══════

“Sorry for avoiding you,” he had said, sheepishly scratching the back of his hair. “I guess you felt a bit lonely.”

“Thanks for noticing,” your response had been ice cold that day and your frown didn’t falter.

You had agreed to talk to him by the river you used to play at. Silence dwindling between the both of you, you had watched his contorted expression reflect off the river’s waters.

“But you had been making so much friends lately, it was kind of hard for me to talk to you.”

Your frown had only deepened into a frustrated pout, “You’re one to talk! You and your volleyball. Volleyball early in the morning, volleyball late into the night. It’s always been volleyball when we were kids too, Kentarou! I didn’t want to stop you from doing what you love, but it doesn’t have to be like this either, you moron…”

Kyoutani’s lips had fallen into a flat line and his eyes wavered from yours. You had brought your knees closer to your chest and spoke again.

“I got into Wakabayashi Girls’ High School.”

“Ah, congratulations… I heard the criterias for Waka-joshi are the toughest—”

“You don’t get it!” There it was. Your string had finally snapped.

“…”

“I know we can’t be together forever. I know that! Our paths to different high schools are proof of it. But somehow I want us to,” you had muttered, slowly unlocking every defenseless part of your heart accompanied with the hot, searing tears that nearly swallowed your face whole. “I want us to be together for a really long time, Kentarou. But… but not as… not as…”

“Not as friends.”

When you had looked up to see him, he wasn’t like he was Kentarou anymore. It was like he was Ken-chan all over again. Your Ken-chan. You’d missed him so much it hurt, but you were glad he was here.

“We’re so different. You’re sociable and cute and you cry at the smallest things. And I’m just… the fucking worst.”

You hand had reached out to take his, fingers lacing with each other. “Ken-chan…”

“But I can’t help it. I hated myself for the longest time for it but I wondered if I really did have a chance with you. I wondered if you’d let me ruin this friendship of ours. Or maybe you’d hate me forever for it. But hearing you say that to me now, I don’t give a shit anymore.”

Kneeling in front of you, he had taken both of your hands, eyes fixated on the small rhinestones you had pasted on your nails. Against the rough palms of his beastly hands, yours had seemed so tiny, but he couldn’t help but to notice how well it fit with the contours of hand.

“I like you, Y/N. Please go out with me.”

Just like that, Kyoutani Kentarou had offered you his entire heart. And you took it unconditionally.

Arms thrown around his shoulder, you had sobbed hysterically into his shoulder, splotches of tears staining his shirt. “K-Kentarou!”

“H-Hey, I’ll fall over! Idiot, don’t just do things like this so suddenly!” he had scolded but ultimately rested his arms around your torso as he fell into the calming lullaby of your heart. You had smiled.

You thought that he was rather silly.

══════ ⋆★⋆ ══════

You felt like you were going to lose yourself in the crowd sooner or later.

When Kyoutani told you it was going to be “a little packed” in the Sendai City Gymnasium, you didn’t think you’d be squeezed in like a can of anchovies. You were going have to ask him to be more specific about numbers next time.

“Hey, Y/N-chan, you think Oikawa-kun will make eye contact with me from the stands?” your friend Natsumi murmured, looking at you with hopeful eyes.

“Nacchan, you’re lacking ambition!” your other friend Yayoi chuckled, affectionately ruffling Natsumi’s well-kept hair. “We’ve got our secret weapon Y/N on our hands. If anything, we’ll ask her boyfriend to introduce us.”

“Yayoicchi, I don’t think Kentarou would want to do something like that,” you finally chirped, having given up on trying to interpret the lousily marked venue map.

“So selfish, Y/N-chan! You guys are so different, I don’t get why you don’t just go for the cute guys,” Natsumi groaned.

“But it’s quite romantic, isn’t it? The tale of Seijoh’s beastly Mad Dog and Waka-joshi’s sparkly princess…” Yayoi swooned, her glasses nearly slipping down her face.

Just as you were about to chastise your friends for being annoying, your cell phone piped up, alerting you of a text from your “beastly” boyfriend.

From: Kyoutani Kentarou

Subject: Where are you?

10:34 AM

I’m waiting by the entrance. Hurry up. I only have a few minutes before the others find out I’m missing.

You replied with a quick “I’ll be right there!! \(-ㅂ-)/ ♥ ♥ ♥” and hurried your way through the bustling crowd.

“Y/N-chaaan! Where are you going?” Natsumi hollered.

“I’ll be back! You two find our seats, okay?”

“Hey, Y/N! Buy us some croquettes while you’re at it!” Yayoi echoed, her voice drifting away with the background.

When the cool breeze of the spring air kissed your face, you felt your shoulders lighten—it was beyond your imagination, but you survived the rampaging influx of people in the gym.

It didn’t take long for you to identify a lanky, scary-looking boy tucked away into a secluded corner of the gym’s field. Approaching him carefully, you felt him flinch violently under your grasp when you wrapped your arms around his torso as a surprise.

“Kenta~rou!”

“Y/N! Don’t do shit like that!” Kyoutani scolded, turning around in your embrace to pull at your cheeks in annoyance. “I could’ve punched you by accident or something.”

“Kentarou, stop pulling at my cheeks,” you grumbled, hands flying to his wrists to unsuccessfully pry him off your springy face. “If you’re going to punch me, then punch me out of love~”

“No way. You’re weird.”

“Don’t be cruel. I came here to watch you play,” you pouted, crossing your arms in mock frustration. “It was super hard to ask for permission from the teachers and my parents to come here right after school ended, you know!”

Kyoutani nodded solemnly, giving your head a few gentle pats before finding interest in your shoes. “I see. Sorry for all the trouble and thanks for coming, I guess.”

You gave him a pleasant smile, enough to make him hear angels singing in the horizon. “It’s okay, Ken-chan. Do your best today, alright?”

“Y-yeah.”

Leaning in to press a quick kiss to his cheek, you were stopped in motion when a shrill cry broke the atmosphere between the two of you.

“Yoohoo, Mad Dog-chan! We’re done registering, so let’s—Oh?”

Kyoutani tensed up against your skin. Ah, it was him. The elusive captain of the Aoba Johsai Volleyball Club. Heartthrob Oikawa Tooru, accompanied by every other senior Kyoutani had been so dead-set on avoiding just for this moment.

“Ain’t that the Wakabayashi Girls’ High uniform?” Matsukawa said, eyeing your uniform intently.

“Ah, that’s right!” you exclaimed. You had completely forgotten to change out of your uniform when you hurriedly chased the bus to the gymnasium.

Placing his hand beneath his chin in a display of wonder, Oikawa flashed you a grin that was sure to make Natsumi and Yayoi green with envy. “So, what’s a pretty Waka-joshi princess like you doing out here with our Mad Dog? Are you his relative? Or maybe his friend? Or perhaps—”

“Don’t.” Kyoutani stressed, teeth bared in defense. “Let’s just go already.”

Sighing in defeat, Oikawa complied, only once turning back around to simply wink at you and say, “I hope you’ll be cheering for me, Himesama-chan~”

You shivered in disgust. Now you were certain why Kyoutani wanted to evade him at all costs.

Once you were sure Kyoutani’s seniors were gone way past the corner, you called out for your boyfriend again.

“One more thing, Kentarou.”

“What is it now?”

Giving him a light peck on his chapped lips, you grinned when he stared at you with eyes as wide as saucers. “Good luck.”

At that exact moment, you thought that he looked a bit like an excited Corgi.

══════ ⋆★⋆ ══════

“She kissed him!”

“Be quiet, Oikawa, he’ll hear us,” Iwaizumi hissed, craning his neck a little further in hopes to get a clearer view of your romantic escapade.

“I’ll bet you this week’s ramen that he scared her into dating him or something,” Hanamaki said, eyebrows furrowing deeply. “There’s no logical way. She’s just so fluffy and cute and he… Nah, man! It just doesn’t add up like that.”

“Lucky, he’s just lucky. Maybe he drew some kind of crazy fortune on New Years’.”

“I want crazy fortune like that too, we’re going to need it to win against Shiratorizawa this year.”

“Makki, you’re asking for too much. Luck comes from hard work too, you know.”

“Hey, if you think about it… We’re third years who spend our days playing and thinking about volleyball; it’s like we’re married to it or something,” Matsukawa pondered aloud. “Even Kyoutani has a cute girlfriend to balance it all out. At some point, aren’t we kind of…”

The third years sighed, shoulders slumping, realization dawning across their features.

“Lame.”

[yandere-society]

Exorbitant

Member: Kim Seokjin

Synopsis: After being dumped by his long time girlfriend, Jin has given up on love. When his friend sets him up with a classmate, Jin thinks things have just turned in his favor. He’s in love, he’s certain. SO why is he being left on read?

Warning: Yandere themes

Headline: Stalker Sent Crush 159,000 After One Date And Threatened To Make Sushi From Kidneys 

Admin: @chimchimsauce​

The restaurant is fancy. Perhaps too fancy for a first date. There are glad chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and wall to wall fish tanks filled with all the fish to be slaughtered. The lighting is dim and people are quiet, only the sound of bubbling tanks in Seokjin’s ears.

Maybe this was a bad idea. After all, a year isn’t too long to still be hung up on someone is it? Is it?

Deep down he knows that it’s time to move on. Lana made it very clear to him that she never cared for him at all , and was only with him because he was in medical school. But Seokjin was entirely blinded. Lana was so beautiful that her coldness did not faze him, did not cause any alarm bells to go off in his head even when his friends warned him that she was no good. It caught him by complete surprise when he came home early one day and saw her in the midst of cheating, with one of her male friends she told him not to worry about. 

He’d been in tears but Lana didn’t even have the decency to look ashamed. All she did was roll her eyes and pull the covers tight around her body, sending her man out the door and telling him that she’d meet him in a second while Seokjin lay on the floor sobbing.

It’s embarrassing every time he thinks about it. Seokjin was content to die alone, no longer believing in love. After many months of his moping, Seokjin’s childhood friend Jungkook convinced him to get back into the dating scene.

“Come on, hyung,” Jungkook said to him one day after knocking on his door to find Seokjin still in his pajamas, “This is getting sad.”

“I am sad, Jungkook,” Jin said, “My heart has been shattered.”

Seokjin slumped even further down in his chair. His mother would be furious if she saw his awful posture. 

“Lana isn’t worth all this. She’s already moved onto her next victim. It’s been months, hyung! Months! You are much too good looking, young, and rich to be giving up on life this soon. Why don’t you at least try dating?”

“I don’t know, Jungkook . . .” Seokjin said, hesitant.

“I know this really nice girl in one of my classes. She saw you pick me up last week and asked about you.”

“That’s nice, Jungkook, but I’m really not -”

“I kind of already gave her your number,” Jungkook interrupts, a bashful smile on his face.

“Jungkook!” Seokjin scolds.

“I’m sorry!” Jungkook says, tossing his hands in the air, “But she’s really sweet! And pretty! And you’ve been so lonely lately, it’s bringing everyone down. Just give her a shot, hyung, please. For my snake.”

Jungkook hits Seokjin with those infamous puppy dog eyes he always gets his way with. And just like always, Seokjin relents.

“Fine!” Seokjin says, “But if I don’t like her, I don’t want you to bring it up again!”

“Deal!” Jungkook says, locking his pinky around the older man’s even though they both know he’s lying.

Later that evening, after Jungkook left Seokjin’s apartment, Jin gets a text from an unknown number.

Unknown: Hey! This is Seokjin, right? Jungkook gave me your number.

Unknown: I hope that’s okay

Unknown: I’m YN 

Jin frowned, looking at his phone. Does he really have to answer? If he ghosts her, this YN chick will probably tell Jungkook. Deciding to play along, at least for a little while, he replies.

Me: Hey!

Me: Yeah, this is Seokjin. Kookie told me he gave you my number.

Unknown: Kookie? That’s such a cute nickname haha.

Unknown: Have you guys been friends for long?

Me: Ever since we were younger. His older brother was in my grade.

And just like that, interest sparks. The two of them don’t text much for the first couple of days but soon it evolves to being on the phone for hours. They send memes back and forth and have long discussions about their favorite shows. For the first time in a long while, everything doesn’t seem quite so awful.

Seokjin snaps out of his thoughts, looking at his phone. 

Did YN stand him up? She was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago. Maybe she doesn’t like sushi. Maybe she was just playing with him. Maybe this is some elaborate prank played by her and Jungkook.

Seokjin thinks he’s going to be sick. He should have known better.

“Sorry I’m late!” A familiar voice calls.

Seokjin looks up and is faced with one of the prettiest girls he’s ever seen. Even though her hair and outfit look a little untidy, she’s absolutely gorgeous.

“I wasn’t waiting long,” Seokjin mutters, lying.

He’s captivated. He’s seen her picture several times but it’s another thing altogether to see her in person.

“Really?” YN asks, sliding into the booth across from him, “I’m glad! The bus broke down on the way here and I didn’t have any signal so I couldn’t tell you. I was worried that you thought I’d ditched you.”

“Oh, no,” Seokjin says, shaking his head, “I figured you were just a little behind.”

He laughs nervously. He hadn’t really expected things to go so far. He’s actually on a date.

“I’m glad!” YN says, straightening herself out a bit, “I’d never leave you hanging like that.”

Jin smiles.

“So,” YN says, grabbing the menu, “Have you been here before? Any recommendations?”

“This is the first time I’ve been here too,” Jin admits.

“Let’s get something different and then share,” YN suggests.

“That sounds good.”

As they look through and make their decisions, Jin can’t help but stare at her. He’s really pretty, from her face to the clothes she wears. She’s so opposite of Lana. Where Lana was stiff, YN looks relaxed and easy going.

“Is everything okay?” YN asks him, placing her menu down on the table.

“Yeah, sorry,” Jin says, “You’re just so pretty.”

YN blushes, a shy smile on her face.

“Thank you. You’re really handsome, Jin.”

His ego is now boosted. For the longest time, Jin wondered if maybe Lana dumped him because she wasn’t attracted to him. Maybe she left because he was ugly.

He can tell that YN isn’t lying. She’s so bright and honest.

“Did you decide what you wanted?” he asks her, not wanting to stare at her again and possibly make her uncomfortable.

“I’m getting the Tiger Roll,” YN says.

“I’ll get the Dynamite Roll,” Jin says a few moments later.

With their order placed, conversation flows naturally. YN talks about her family and her childhood and listens intently when Jin talks about his. In just this one date, Jin has learned so much more about YN then he ever did Lana.

And the sushi is delicious. It’s the best thing he’s ever eaten, even. Or maybe it’s just her.

When the plates have been cleaned and the bill has been presented, Jin offers to pick it up.

“Are you sure? I don’t mind splitting it,” YN says.

“Absolutely. I’d love to,” Jin says, trying his hardest to be gentlemanly.

YN smiles at him and he swears his heart stops.

“I really appreciate it,” YN says, standing up and brushing off her outfit, “This was fun.”

“Would you like to eat out again next week?” he asks her.

“I’ll have to see what my schedule looks like,” YN says.

The two of them make their way to the exit. Jin holds the door open for her.

“Make sure you let me know!” Jin says, hoping she doesn’t sound too eager.

“I will,” she says.

The moment is a little awkward. Jin wants to lean in to kiss her but she takes a small step backward, putting some distance between them. 

Jin isn’t bothered. Maybe YN isn’t a kiss on the first date type of girl. Now that he thinks about it, that makes him like her even more.

The two walk down the sidewalk in front of the restaurant for a bit. It’s gotten much darker now than it was when Jin first arrived.

Jin pauses when YN stops in front of the bus stop sign.

“Would you like me to drive you? It’s gotten late.”

“I’ll be okay,” YN says, “But thank you, though.”

“Are you sure? I really don’t mind.”

YN thinks for a moment, looking at him before glancing at her watch.

“I’d really appreciate  it -”

YN doesn’t even get to finish before Jin grapes her hand in his and strides towards the nearby parking lot, unlocking his fancy car and opening the door for YN. Jin doesn’t notice the slightly uncomfortable look on YN’s face, much too excited.

Today has been so much better than he could have ever hoped.

“Which way to your place?”

YN quietly gives him instructions to her dorm.

Honestly, she just wants this night to be over. When she asked Jungkook about Jin, she did it as a conversation starter, hoping to find more info about Jungkook. He’s so cute and she wanted to try and shoot her shot with him but their conversation went haywire and before she knew it, Jungkook was setting her up with his “lonely and desperate but I swear he’s attractive” friend. Trying to make the best out of the situation, she decided to talk to Jin. He’s fun to text and to chat with but she just doesn’t feel any chemistry with him.

“We’re here,” Jin says a few minutes later.

YN gets out of the car before Jin can rush to open it for her.

“Thanks a lot,” YN says, turning away from him.

She walks into the building swiftly, unaware of the gaze on her back.

Back at his apartment, Jin texts Jungkook.

Me: She’s a dream

Me: an absolute angel

Me: I think she’s the one

Kookie: the date went that well, huh? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Me: Not like that. She’s just really sweet

Kookie: I’m happy for you! I hope things work out well for the two of you!

Me: I think they will

Jin flops on his bed, sighing like a schoolgirl. It’s only been one date but he knows she’s going to be the one for him.

Opening up a different conversation, Jin clicks on the second newest one, taking a moment to change the name.

Me: I think I’m going to marry you one day

Across the city, YN’s stomach drops when she reads the text. She doesn’t know what to say to him. How do you tell someone that you’re just not into them?

Deciding to deal with it later, YN turns off her phone and heads to the bathroom. That sushi is not agreeing with her.

For the next couple of days, YN and Jin text back and forth, but it doesn’t have the same energy as it used to. Instead of replying instantly and really moving the conversation forward, YN gives short responses and takes forever to respond.

Two weeks later, she stops responding at all.

Worried that something may have happened to his love, Jin amps up his texting and calling, hoping to get through to her. He sends her a new text every hour, and then every half hour, and then every fifteen minutes until he’s texting her over a thousand times a day. At this point Jin is worried that she’s hurt.

But according to Jungkook, she’s just fine.

Me: Are you sure, Kookie?

Kookie: I just think she’s not into you Jin

Kookie: I’m sorry. I would have never set you two up if I thought it would go like this.

Jin sits on his bed, his mind swimming. Not into him? She couldn’t be! Not YN! Not after the magical time they���d had together?

Kookie: Don’t give up, I’m sure that you’ll find someone

Jin, sick to his stomach, dials YN’s phone again.

She answers.

“YN -”

“STOP CALLING ME! I DON’T LIKE YOU! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!”

The last straw. His back is finally broken, he’s caving into himself.

“Darling,” he says after a moment.

YN quiets down. She had half expected for him to have hung up.

“Let’s go out to eat again, shall we? I’d hate to make sushi out of you.”

[sdmnluvs]

Home Town Glory- Minishaw

Disclaimer!! I know that Simon is in a very happy relationship with Talia! It’s just for entertainment purposes and to let me practice my writing. This is also posted on my Wattpad!

28 years old and he misses home more than ever. That's why he's walking the streets of Hemel Hempstead at quarter past 11 on a Friday night.

It wasn't his plan when he woke up this morning. But he had fucked up, told Harry he loved him and when Harry just stared at him he fled the flat in record worthy time.

Got back to his own flat with ignoring Harry's missed calls and texts. Grabs a bag and packs a weekends worth of clothes as Jj enters his room confused.

"You alright there Simon?" He asks dumbly as the taller runs to the bathroom to grab his toothbrush. "I-I fucked up, going home for the weekend!" He says, pulls out his phone to call an Uber. He doesn't care if it's expensive, would spend every dime in his bank account if it meant he didn't have to look at the pity his friends would throw him when they found out what he had done.

"Did something happen with Harry? Did you guys break up?" Jj asks shock evident in his voice. Everyone was sure that they were a stable couple. Maybe looks really can be deceiving.

"I need to clear my head for a while Jide, if Harry comes please don't tell him where I am," Simon says before grabbing his bag and leaving Jj standing in bedroom. Heard the door close and the younger doesn't know what to do.

But he listens to what Simon said. When Harry shows up half an hour later with tears in his eyes it takes all of his might to say that he doesn't know where Simon is. Says me might have gone to visit Josh.

It's evil really, Jj decides when Harry leaves his sitting room with a look of determination on his face. He's sending the poor boy on a wild goose chase for what? Jj doesn't even know what happened between the both of them. For all he knows Simon could be in the wrong here. He had said that he fucked up.....

But by the time he comes to the decision that he should ask Harry what happened the brunet is long gone and he curses to himself. Feels even worse when he realizes that Josh will probably send Harry to Tobi's to check, then Tobi will send him to Randys and Randy will send him back to the flat.

Simon calls him 2 hours later. He's sat in his old room and trying not to cry. "So what happened?" Jj never did have the best patience, Simons surprised he's waited this long.

"I overreacted I guess," the blond sighs. "I told Harry that I loved him. He just stared at me for a straight minute. I couldn't deal with it Jide so I ran. I ran as fast and as far away as I could. Sure I only made it about 27 miles away from home but I couldn't deal with the pity when I told you. I just thought, it's been a year and I've loved him for long. But I guess that it was too soon".

Simon explains it all and Jj listens. Doesn't interrupt just let's Simon talk and it feels nice. Once he's finished talking Jj comforts him. Tells him to go for a walk even though it's 8pm and the sun is going to set soon. Also tells him that Harry definitely loves him back. "He was probably shocked Simon. Give him time. Just go relax, hey go to that park you used to drag me to every Sunday!".

And Simon follows his advice. Tells his mum that he's going to pub to see a few of his old friends. He doesn't need her worrying about him anymore than she already is. So he heads out. Goes for a walk around the town.

Meanwhile Jj sighs when he hears the door knock again. Knows that it's either Josh about to give out to him for sending Harry round his when he knew exactly where the blond was because Tobi had already called him and gave out to him. Or it's Harry back, probably just as deflated as he was this morning.

Opens the door and he's not shocked to see Harry stood in front of him. Bit more shocked that Ethan is stood with him. Arm wrapped around the youngers shoulder. He's smiling sadly and Harry's a puddle of tears.

Jj opens the door wider and rushes both of them in. They all sit down on the couch and Harry won't let go of Ethan's arm as he re-tells the story of his day.

"I-I was shocked Jide, I didn't expect him to say it. I called him back, must've called his name 20 times but it was too late. He was gone. Cal wouldn't let me go until I had told him that happened. I never got the chance to tell him that I love him too. I got to yours as fast as I could. Then you told me to go to Josh and he wasn't there.

Freya convinced me to have a cup of tea and some breakfast. I didn't want to tell them why I was there but you know what Freya's like. They gave me some comforting words and then Josh said that he might be at Tobi's. So I went to Tobi's but he wasn't there. I stayed for a while, talked to Tobi to calm down.

Our last resort was that he was at Randys. But he wasn't. Randy made me eat again, told me that he'd probably of gone back to the flat by now. But that I should maybe leave him until tomorrow. I agreed and was heading home but I couldn't face it. The thought that I'd lost Simon forever. Like our relationship had started and ended in my flat.

Ethan was the closest person to me at that stage. Told the taxi driver to turn around...," he trails off tears falling faster and harder. Ethan throws a comforting arm around him and finishes the story for the younger.

"I tried to calm him down but it was no use. That's when I realized that maybe big man knowledge, strength, Integrity would know where Simon is by now!" Ethan says his eyes cold and narrow when he says Integrity and Jj knows that he's in for it.

He loves Simon he really does, he's his best friend but Harry's sat in their living room crying an actual river and Ethan's glaring at him as much as to say "Tell him the truth or else".

"He's away home for the weekend. I'm sorry Harry, I promised him I wouldn't tell you," but Harry isn't even mad. He lets go of Ethan for the first time since he entered the flat and hugs Jj as tightly as he can.

"Jide please, we have to go. I'll do anything, I'll, I'll-"

Jj stops him, the least he can do is drive the three of them to Hertfordshire as an apology to Harry. Even though it's 10pm and he has a meeting at 8am tomorrow. The things he does for his friends.

So here Simon is. Quarter past 11 on a Friday night. He had actually popped into the local pub. Met a few of his old friends and downed 2 pints. Laughed and laughed and laughed as they re-told childhood stories. Listens as they catch him up on everything he had missed the past 8 years not living at home.

Sure his mum had kept him up to date and he had come home every so often but he'd never found the time to catch up with old friends. Looks around the room and wonders if he had never left what would life be like?

Would he be sat here with the same group of friends every Friday night making memories to last a lifetime. Would Jide be KSI or would he be sat here right next to him. Would he of met a nice girl from the town and be married already. Would he of made memories?

Thinks and remembers that he's made memories to last a lifetime. He's met people, he's met his friends, he's met Harry. The love of his life and suddenly it's all too much. The walls of the pub are closing in on him. He thanks them for the laughs and memories but he's gotta go. Promises them that he'll come home again, with Jj this time and they'll make even more memories.

He looks back and smiles seeing them all doubled over in laughter over something one of them had said. He wants to say that he escaped but there was never really anything to escape. Everyone that stayed is happy. They're all content with their lives. And so is he. He took a different route that's all.

Left the pub and heads off in the direction of the park Jj had mentioned. He had wanted to leave it for last. Let's his mind wander as he wanders around the streets.

Passes by a group of teenagers shrieking in laughter, empty bottle of vodka in their hands and he has to smile. Because that used to be him, running through the same streets when he was younger. Drunk, young and free.

He's so engrossed that he almost walks into a woman. She asks if he's lost because she's never seen him around here. He shakes his head, tells her that he's not lost, just wandering around home. She leaves him be and he keeps going.

Arrives at the park and heads straight to the field. Lies down and watches the stars. Let's the day wash over him and he can't help but smile as he remembers the first time he ever went star gazing was with Harry.

Jj knocks on the door. Simons mum opens the door and she's so happy to see Jj. Welcomes him inside but Jj asks if Simons around. She can hear the desperation in his voice and tells him that he went down to the pub to met a few of the lads.

So the 3 of them leave. They enter and nobody bats and eyelid at them. Jj instantly spots the group of people that Simon should be with, it's just, he's nowhere to be seen. Swears under his breath as he approaches the table.

Taps one of the boys on the shoulder and he turns grinning. "When we told Simon to hurry back with you we didn't mean this soon!" The man laughs and stands up to hug Jj.

He laughs weakly "it's really nice to see you James, but do you have any idea where Simon is?". The man now known as James to Harry and Ethan shakes his head. Explains how he left 20 minutes ago, adds that he looked like he had been doing a lot of thinking. Jj thanks him and they leave,

"So we're back to square 1?" Ethan asks as Harry lets a sob rip from his mouth. "This is all my fault, I shouldn't of been such a prick today," he cries as Ethan hugs him.

"It's ok Bog, let's just head back to his, he'll be home-," Jj starts but then stops. He has a shit eating grin on his face. "I know where he is!".

They all pile into Jj's car once again and 5 minutes later they're pulling up to a park. "Simon used to drag me here every Sunday, I told him to visit here when I was talking to him earlier as a joke," Jj explains as they exit the car and head to the field.

And that's where they spot him. Lying in the grass eyes closed and mouth turned upwards in a smile. Harry walks closer as Ethan and Jj hang back.

"Si?" Harry asks shyly and the body shoots up. Looks around and all air leaves his body because Harry is inching closer to him with a nervous smile on his face. Simon can't take it, not whilst he's at home, in his safe place.

"Harry, please not-," but Harry cuts him off. "Simon please, just listen to me I beg. You don't understand what I've done to get here!". So Simon stays quiet.

"Si I was shocked when you told me that you loved me. Ever since I met you I was convinced that I'd never be enough for you. I was just a 17 year old kid with insecurities that would've drowned me when I first met you. But you, as cringy as it sounds you taught me how to love myself. I was finally in the shallow end when I moved in with Cal and Cal and I started drinking a lot, when the drugs started.

But you were there. Every single time I relapsed you where there. On bad nights that I was tempted you made me watch a shitty movie with you. And even though I hate movies I watched them with you. You supported me when I came out. And then you kissed me when we where in Vegas for Jides fight. A week later we had our first date in London and you weren't embarrassed of me. You held my hand as we walked home and you asked me to be your boyfriend and I said yes. Because I loved you. You kept me afloat, Simon I have loved you since I was 18, too young to know what love is as mum always said. But I loved you. And I still do.

And I'm sorry that I left you standing there waiting for an answer today. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that you loved me, you love me just as much as I love you! And I would've been able to tell you all of this this morning but Cal held me back and then Jide sent me on a goose chase like a whole twat.

So I'm sorry Si, I love you. A lot more than the moon and stars combined,". And Simons stood staring at him, tears falling down his face. Because holy fucking shit. Harry loved him as much as he loved Harry. Didn't even think as he tackled him into a hug. Kissed him deeply and had every unspoken word added to it.

And Harry seemed to just know because when they pulled away he hugged him tighter. They turn to their 2 cheering friends before Simon leans down to kiss him again.

Because he had Harry. Harry was his, the love of his life. "I even love you enough for the first time I tell you to be in Hertfordshire," Harry giggles and Simon grins at him. "Hometown glory I guess,". And then Simon kisses him again

[rainydaysofspring]

Why are you lying to me?

Hello everyone and welcome back to another round of angsty ��Open Heart Fanfiction! I got a little carried away with this...

My requests are OPEN, so if you want me to write anything, hit the ask-button!

Prompt: "Why are you lying to me?"

Words:  1.826

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x MC (Liliana Summers)

Warnings: General Angst, Death, a little Hyperventilating, Crying. If I forgot any, feel free to reach out!

Tag-List: @ethandaddyramseyx​ @catchinglikekerosene @maurine07​ 

If you want to be added or removed from my Tag-List, please let me know!

Liliana sat on the round table in the diagnostics office, her mind wandering around possible diagnoses for their patient. The team had already ruled out numerous possibilities, but they weren't out of Options. They decided on their next steps when Liliana's phone rang. She saw it was her mother trying to reach her. She excused herself from the table and stepped outside the office.

"Mum, what is it? I'm in a meeting, I'm a bit short of time..." Her sentence got cut off by a sound at the other end of the line. It sounded like a sob for all she knew. "Mum? Is everything okay?" Her mother took a second to collect herself, then spoke up. "Bug, it's your brother." The tone of her mother's voice confused Liliana. It was shaking and thin. "He's dead. He got killed in a car crash." In shock, it took Liliana a second to process what her mother just said. "Are you serious?" Her voice grew thinner, proclaiming the fact that she was about to cry too. "Lili, I'm sorry. It happened last night. I have to go now. I love you." Still shocked, Liliana just said, "Love you too."

Trying to conceal what Liliana's mother just told her. Her brother died. She straightened her posture. Baz and Harper were about to leave when she stepped back into the meeting.

Ethan looked at Liliana, observing her. His fellow doctor held herself up differently. Her eyes searched the room, avoiding eye contact with him, "All my patients are stable. Do you want me to run some tests on Mr. Clarke?" Her voice was tiny. Something was wrong with her. "No, Harper and Baz are on it. Liliana, are you alright?"

Liliana just nodded, turning around, opening the door, where she almost stumbled into Leland Bloom. "Dr. Summers, nice to see you. I was hoping to talk to Dr. Ramsey for a bit, though." Liliana stepped outside, going her way. Ethan wanted to go after her. He knew something was not right. "Mr. Bloom, I'm afraid we'll have to postpone this conversation to another time." He hurried to the door, but Bloom stopped him. "It's urgent. Have a seat." Leland was not going to let him go. He reluctantly took a seat in his office chair, hoping to catch a glance of Liliana through the glass walls, but she was gone.

Liliana walked through the halls of Edenbrook, her head full of questions. She needed a quiet place to think, so she headed to the only quiet place she knew in the entire hospital: The serenity gardens. At this time, they usually were empty. Liliana opened the heavy doors, stepping inside the peaceful environment, leaving the hectic hospital behind her.

She wandered through the planted halls for a bit before taking a seat. Thinking about the call with her mother earlier, she remembered the missed call from her brother. She took out her private phone, listening to the voicemail he left.

"Hey Smarty, I'm sure you're in a super important meeting. Also, I think this thing will cut me off any second, so I just wanted to say how much I look forward to seeing you when I'll visit Boston! Love you, bye."

When listening to his voice, the gravity of what her mother told her, sunk in and the tears started flowing freely. Meanwhile, in the Diagnostics Office, Bloom tried to talk Ethan into a new trial, finding a cure for his wife. Seemingly, he wanted Ethan to send fitting patients of the diagnostics team to the study. Even before deliberating other options with them.With a quick "I'll think about it." he dismissed Bloom and hurried out of his Office. He was determined to find Liliana. Something seemed wrong.

After checking nearly every supply closet and On-Call Room the hospital had to offer, he thought about where to go next. She wanted Silence if she's sad. He checked his old office first, finding nothing. Then, it hit him. He knew where she was.Almost running through the hospital, he finally reached the Doors of the Serenity Gardens.

Walking in, he heard quiet sobs coming from further into the halls. Walking in, he quickly found who he was looking for. Liliana sat with her back facing him, her shoulders moving up and down as she cried. Ethan made his way towards her.

"Hey, how are you holding up?" Ethan asked Liliana after he found her in the Serenity Gardens. Startled, Liliana tried to conceal her puffy red eyes but failed to. He lightly touched her shoulder, sitting astride opposite to his girlfriend. "What happened in there? What was this call about?" Liliana just shook her head.

"Lili, I can't help you if you don't tell me what is going on. Please let me help?" he gently asked.Ethan looked at her, the worry in his eyes more than evident. Liliana was sobbing. Ethan had no idea why she was in that state or how he could get her to calm down. His hands went to her hips, gently touching her, wandering up to rub her arms up and down.

"Can you talk?" He gently asked. Liliana just shook her head and continued to cry. Her brother was dead, for god's sake. The guy she grew up with was no longer alive. Who was always so protective of her, who always eyed her boyfriends with a critical glance. Her brother, who always messed with her, who brought her joy during High School, picked her up when she fell. The one person who always had her back. Her best friend, her role model, her superhero when she was little.

Liliana did not know how she should keep going. She couldn't imagine her life without her brother's texts, sending her the weirdest GIFs to cheer her up, without hearing his voice or without him standing at the door greeting her when she came home to her parent's house. "It's nothing." She blurted out between two sobs. Liliana thought she needed to be strong. She didn't want Ethan seeing her like this. Weak. Possibly at her worst.

 "Rookie, why are you lying to me?" Ethan gently cupped her face, wiping tears away from her face, just for new tears to fall again. "I can see that it's not nothing. You're upset by whatever happened. I want to help you. Let me help, okay?"  The mixture of concern and worry in Ethans eyes made Liliana weaker than She already was. When she was looking at his blue orbits, her facade broke. She spilled everything.

" My brother has been in a car accident." While Liliana began to explain, she was cut off by her sobs, her body forcing her to take breaks in between talking. "He's been driving a friend home from the airport. Another driver didn't watch out..." Her head fell into her hands, sobbing harder, while Ethan caressed her back. "The other driver... He hit their car on the side my brother was sitting. That guy. He..." Liliana couldn't bring herself to say it out loud, but Ethan knew anyways.

Gently, he took her head in his hands, kissed her on the forehead, and laid it on his chest. While he was rubbing his girlfriend's back, he noticed how her breathing became faster. Liliana felt how her fingertips began tingling, how her hands got increasingly cold, and how dizzy she suddenly got.  "Lili, you have to breathe with me." Ethan took a deep breath in, moving her head up and down, trying to encourage her to do the same. After a bit of repeating those actions and calmly talking to her, only her hiccups echoed through the empty Serenity Gardens.

" He came back from Africa." her tiny voice said. Ethan waited for her to continue, her head still placed at his chest. "Since he spent a semester in a village for orphans while studying, he went every year to see what progress they made. My brother had such big dreams for that place. When we talked last, he said they were building an actual school building with the donations he got here. And that they were going to finish it when he is going to visit next." A new wave of sobs shook Liliana's body when she thought about the fact he would never get to see all of this. He would never get to see his dream for the village coming true.

" Do you want me to take you home?" Ethan asked, after a while."Yours or mine?" For the first time since Ethan learned what happened, she looked directly at him. Her usually bright and happy green eyes filled with sadness and grief, red and puffy from all the crying. The sight broke his heart. "As you would like," he answered. Liliana seemed to think for a few moments before she asked him: "Can I stay with you tonight, please?" "Sure. Let's go."

Ethan kissed her head. Then picked her up and carried her to the Office of the Diagnostics Team, where Ethan sat her down on the sofa. Luckily, no one was on here at the moment. No one would ask questions. "Do you want to get your stuff from your locker?" he asked her after he changed out of his white coat into a light jacket. Liliana shook her head. She needed her purse, but she did not want to enter the locker room. All her friends would be there, happily chatting after their shifts. She didn't want to face them just yet. "Okay, I'll get your stuff. Stay here. I'll be back before you know it."

Even though she didn't want him to leave, she let him walk out of the office. Sitting on the sofa, she thought about her brother again. Tears welled in her eyes as she thought of childhood memories. She remembered the time they all went to the beach together. Both of them had a contest on who could build the highest sandcastle. Of course, he'd win. Little Liliana didn't understand the concept of sandcastles yet. After the competition, he'd assemble an enormous sandcastle with her. Or the times when they would play basketball in their driveway. He always lifted her to reach the basket and throw in the ball.

Dwelling in memories, she almost didn't notice Ethan entering the office again, with her jacket and purse in hand. "Are you ready to go?" he asked, as Liliana just nodded and walked next to him. Together they got to Ethans Sedan. He was constantly keeping an eye on his girl during the entire ride. When they arrived at Ethan's apartment, he led Liliana to his bed, where she plopped down and held herself, like she would be cold. Ethan sat down next to her, putting his arms around her, constantly mumbling sweet nothings into her ears. He would make sure she got the comfort she desired. He would be there through it all.