#just saw some blatantly untrue shit

[wizardfeet]

I got an axe to grind and info to share.

Should preface this in that, tumblr is not real life, I don't want to set any "dogs" on anyone. Which is why I'm not sharing @'s or replying directly.

I'll link my sources below (though there's many more with minimal research) which, by the way, all come from agriculture aligned organisations.

I wanna respond to this

________

________

It was a response to a question about whether dairy cows need to be pregnant in order to produce milk.

So what's happening here is just a politicians answer. Complicating facts and figures and walking around just giving a direct, simple response.

So....

Yes. In layman's terms, a dairy cow must be pregnant at least once to start producing milk.

But here's where it gets more complicated. I'll concede that, yknow what, they're right. A dairy cow could keep going forever and ever producing milk and not stopping. It's entirely possible.

But most dairy farms, even large agribusiness corporations, do not do this.

And for a reason I find highly ironic.

Because it's bad for the cows health. Obviously.

Obviously it's bad for a cow to constantly be forced to lactate. Dairy farmers usually stop milking from the cow alongside the natural weaning process because that is the healthiest thing to do.

(They then wait on average two months before reimpregnating her and beginning the cycle again which is bad for a variety of reasons I'm sure most people reading this are already aware of.)

What they're talking about here rarely ever happens because it would be ridiculous to do and lead to extremely unhealthy, (not to mention unproductive) cows.

It is completely misleading to suggest that this is some sort of "gotcha!" moment for Animal Rights.

And to make yourself and the industry out to be these caring farmers who truly value their animals health and then literally suggest something that even the wider industry agrees is wrong, is extremely hypocritical and blatantly misleading.

At the end of the day, dairy is still a parasitic little industry and if you go to actual agricultural sources (not a tumblr blog run by a dairy shill), even the dairy industry will tell you that yes,

We will cyclically breed a cow to continue producing milk and selling it for a profit.

That is until she's deemed unproductive and we cull her!

(Source 1) (Source 2) (Source 3)

[crimson-rain-smoked-flower]

I’m not trying to attack you, but do you know that proshipper means someone who supports and romanticizes pedophilia, incest, and abuse? Your reblog on that post seems to read that you think antis just hate on people for having ships they don’t like. But it’s completely different than that. Just looking on the proshipper side of Tumblr and the internet and you can see people happily shipping children and adults and making nsfw content of such things.

i appreciate that you're not being outright hostile, but i have to say, that on its own put you above basically every anti i've interacted with.

i understand where antis are coming from, i really do. there are a lot of things on the internet that make me deeply uncomfortable, including the minor/adult ships that you mention. i don't want to anything to do with those kinds of ships and i would be happiest if i never saw them again. which is why i'm proship.

nine times out of ten, if i see that kind of ship brought up on my dash, it's because i was following an anti without realizing it, and they brought it up unprompted and untagged, to talk about how bad it is that they exist. they are the ones putting that kind of content in front of my face and making it harder to avoid.

the thing about people who ship those ships is that they're generally very aware that not everyone wants to see that kind of content, and so they tag it. they make sideblogs to talk about it. they don't go out of their way to shove it in people's faces. that means i, and everyone else who doesn't like it, can avoid it.

what antis want is for it to not exist at all. they want the tags to be purged and blocked, and for anyone who uses those tags to have their accounts deleted. and sure, that might get rid of some of it, but do you know what would happen to the rest? it would stop being tagged. people who don't want to see it wouldn't have the tools to avoid it. this isn't just a hypothetical, that's what's happened any time a fan space has tried to do that.

that's not even getting into the rabbit hole of what should be banned and what shouldn't. obviously any content that depicts real children or real life abuse shouldn't exist and shouldn't be allowed to be posted, but basically any platform that people use already enforces those policies, and there's not much of a slippery slope to go down there. if it involves real living breathing people being abused, it's bad. end of discussion.

but the same can't be said for fiction. ask ten antis for a specific list of all the content that should be banned, and you'll get ten different answers. what about kink? what about roleplay? what about horror and murder and anything that involves fictional characters being graphically tortured? what about people using art to process terrible things that have happened to them? what about art that uses dark themes as a horror element? if you just want to ban anything questionable to anyone, that's the line of thinking that gets any mention of lgbt existence banned. and again, this isn't just a hypothetical, this has happened before, and that's generally where it leads.

i know, from personal experience, that antis do, in fact, send harassment to people just for shipping things they don't like. i've gotten accused of absolutely vile shit for shipping two fictional characters who were both consenting adults. i've seen ship wars turn into moral battlegrounds, over ships that an average person wouldn't bat an eye at.

the thing about "romanticization" is a whole other can of worms. the anti logic goes like this: if someone sees something (even if it's very obviously fictional) in a positive light enough times, they will start thinking it's okay in real life, and go on to hurt real people. the problem with that is that it's just. blatantly untrue.

if it were true every horror movie fan would be a serial killer, every person that studies dark media would be an unhinged psychopath, and everyone who is into ddlg would be a pedophile. but they're not. they just aren't. people have directed movies just as fucked up as the darkest shit on ao3, and are still capable of being normal human beings who know right from wrong in real life.

even if someone is that impressionable, scrubbing away the existence of every piece of questionable content isn't going to solve their problem, because they're still going to be vulnerable to con men, scams, and cultists. the only thing that would actually materially help someone like that is developing their own morals and critical thinking.

children are also more impressionable, and there's a lot of content that's not suitable for them, but that doesn't mean that content shouldn't exist. it just means that they should stick to spaces designed for them (which most social media sites, tumblr included, are not) or, if they're old enough to be responsible for their experience online, they, or a trusted adult in their lives, should block and filter out things that they aren't comfortable with.

which is what everyone on the internet should be doing. it's what i do, and it's made the internet a much more pleasant place to be. and it's why i sometimes worry for antis mental health, especially teenagers, because they're being told it's right and moral to seek out content that makes them uncomfortable and to engage with the people making it. and that's just. really bad. it's not good for the creators that they're harassing obviously, but it's also really bad for them! it's not healthy to seek out things that make you feel bad, and it's a terrible internet safety lesson to teach minors that it's okay for them to seek out and engage with people making adult content.

individual harassment and crusading is never going to succeed at removing dark content from the internet. it just isn't. at best you might get a small percentage of people who create that content to stop sharing it, at worst you're just going to make people stop tagging it, and either way, you're exposing yourself to things that make you feel bad, when you don't have to.

if you want to materially change the type of content you see, you can. the block button is your friend, use it liberally. same with content filtering and tag blocking.

[umbrify]

hello i saw u tagged jimmy solidarity on that "free my man he did none of that. he did a bunch of other shit though" post and i am incredibly compelled by the implications here. please may i have an essay on the subject

YOU MAY.

Okay so we’re gonna be specifically talking about Empires SMP Season 2 Jimmy (henceforth, Jimmy,) and the way he conducts himself, how those actions reflect on him, versus how he sees himself (and how the fandom sees him in turn). Welcome to my Ted Talk.

The most important thing to understand about Jimmy is that he lies. He lies about everything, and convinces himself that his lie is true to the point where he really thinks it is. Take, for example, a moment in Sausage’s episode 41 [full exchange from 9:10 - 19:37] where Jimmy kills Sausage, and then when Sausage, followed by fWhip, return to Tumble Town to discuss the murder, Jimmy blatantly lies about the altercation to fWhip, claiming “[Sausage] came over, and he assaulted me, fWhip!” Jimmy insists that it was Sausage who physically started it, despite that being completely untrue. Jimmy then goes on to deny having killed Sausage Sausage at all, sounding affronted at the idea and demanding to see the player head that drops on death. fWhip asks how many levels Sausage has, which is none, and Jimmy claims that Sausage must have used all his experience. Jimmy denies and lies, and when fWhip goes looking for Sausage’s things, finding them in Jimmy’s storage, Jimmy acts shocked, saying “I think I’m being set up! […] I’m gonna leave this conversation, you do what you gotta do, but I don’t think I’m the bad guy here.” As if Jimmy didn’t explicitly kill Sausage moments ago!! As if it isn’t his fault!!!

And the problem here, the core problem, is that so many people just… believe him. They take Jimmy’s words at face value and assume that he’s always a reliable narrator in his own stories, despite the fact that it couldn’t be further from the case. The issue is less that people assign New and Different problems to Jimmy, more that they strip him of any wrongdoing at all, making him out to be some sad little pathetic wet cat who didn’t deserve it. And— don’t get me wrong, he is extremely sad, but he also did it to himself.

I think one of the more interesting ways to illustrate this, is to talk about the way Jimmy perceives himself. From the start of the season, he always insists on being called “The Sheriff.” He’s not Jimmy, he’s The Sheriff, and throughout the season, he can be seen constantly insisting upon and chasing after that title. He wants respect— or, his version of respect. What he really wants is a yes man. This difference can very clearly be seen in the way he treats the two deputies he had throughout the season.

When fWhip was the deputy, it’s because he wanted to be. He sought Jimmy out because he wanted to be Jimmy’s right hand man, and Jimmy let him. fWhip consistently referred to Jimmy as The Sheriff, upholding Jimmy’s version of the laws as best he could. And, there really is something to be said about the fact that fWhip, as a goblin, inherently didn’t understand the concept of arbitrary laws, or that sort of morality at all, and was only one, upholding it because he cared about Jimmy, but two, treating the laws as Jimmy treated them— i.e, making a shrine for that which Jimmy made a church for, but that’s a whole separate essay that I want to write at some point. Either way, he was good to Jimmy, though their time together was short. He made Jimmy a home away from home in Gobland [fWhip episode 8 timestamp 20:28] and helped Jimmy win the court trial by serving as his lawyer in the case against Joel [Trial best seen in Jimmy’s episode 10 starts at 3:03]. After fWhip was fired, he went around Tumble Town noting down a bunch of “laws” that Jimmy was breaking. I wrote a whole post about this set of interactions already [here] but the short version is this: In fWhip’s episode 12 [5:54], he goes around and marks down all the laws that he’s saying Jimmy is breaking around Tumble Town. […] Of the seven instances that fWhip writes down, SIX of them almost directly relate to Jimmy not taking good care of himself or his empire. To me, it almost reads more like he cares about Jimmy, and is worried about him.

All this to say, that fWhip didn’t Respect The Sheriff as much as he Cared About Jimmy. And that’s an important distinction— he cared about Jimmy, the person. He had this whole veneer of respecting the laws— laws that he didn’t really understand— because he cared about Jimmy. And Jimmy fired him for a prank— one that wasn’t specifically targeted or malicious— because he saw that as Disrespecting The Sheriff. He didn’t want someone who Cared About Jimmy, he wanted someone who Respected The Sheriff. And fWhip wasn’t that.

Enter Scar.

During the Hermitcraft crossover, Scar started gunning for the position as deputy because he wanted the shiny deputy badge. That was it, that was the reason, and Scar acted accordingly. Everything was about acting like he Respected The Sheriff, even when he was blatantly breaking one of the core laws, wearing another player’s hat— both the sheriff hat [Jimmy episode 19 4:07] as well as trading away a sheriff hat, and being seen wearing one of Scott’s Chromia hats [Jimmy episode 22 14:27]. In this episode, Scar backhandedly compliments Jimmy, “oh, you’re just a… cute big guy, aren’t you?” to which Jimmy seems uncertain, asking “I’m real big, right?” to which Scar says he is. Jimmy then asks him about the Chromia hat Scar wears, and Scar tells him that he traded one of the sheriff hats to Scott. Jimmy gets upset at Scar, but before he can get properly mad, Scar distracts him by showing off a new section of Tumble Town that he made. Scar wears the mask of respect for just long enough to get the badge. When Jimmy gives him the badge, he says he has something else that he wants to give Scar as well. “I have found something real special for you, real special.” Scar says “I already got something special, this badge.” Jimmy says “you mean our friendship?” Which Scar dubiously agrees to. This is the last time Jimmy sees Scar before the hermits leave— Scar got what he wanted, and that was all. And yet, Jimmy hired him, because Scar put on the show. Scar was his yes man, Scar Respected The Sheriff, even if he didn’t Care About Jimmy.

He does it to himself, Jimmy does. He pushes away anyone that tries to care about him as a person, and surrounds himself with people that will be his yes men, his little sidekicks, anyone that holds the sheriff title in high regard. It’s why he takes so well to the Old Sheriff, who treats the sheriff title with the same reverence that he does, respecting the title of sheriff without actually respecting Jimmy much at all.

The thing about Jimmy is that he causes his own problems, and they’re all his fault. Yes he is crushingly lonely, and filled with self hatred, but he actively surrounds himself with it. It’s not that people are just inherently mean to him, he is almost asking them to be, by pushing away anyone that seems to care about him as a person.

I think, as my final note here, I wanna bring up a moment from Jimmy’s finale, episode 38. He and the Old sheriff, as they’re making their way to the Nether portal, discuss how fWhip only ever referred to himself as goblin fWhip, never as king. Jimmy says “I don’t think he ever held himself to the regard of being a king, and that— d’you know what? That sucks. He was my deputy for a while, he didn’t really think much of himself, I’m not gonna lie” [9:19]. I just find it interesting, that Jimmy says that it sucks how fWhip never called himself king— a title ostensibly higher than sheriff— and that fWhip was only a deputy. As if he thinks that fWhip could’ve been king, perhaps was worthy of the title, and just never took it— that he sees the taking of a title such as that to be so important, when for fWhip, it never was. I dunno, I just think there’s something to that. I think it says something about Jimmy and about the importance he places on titles that don’t really matter.

Jimmy ran away, in the end. He and the Old Sheriff ran far away from everything they ever knew. fWhip stayed, choosing to live out his days happily in the empire he helped to found. fWhip never took the title of king. Jimmy thinks he should’ve.

Isn’t that something?

[the-fandom-is-now-my-life]

Over tea

Tea can either bring people together to enjoy it or start senseless fights. How interesting

Wc: ~900

Your liking of tea has always been one of the few things known about you by the public. Other than your face or name, nothing much was known.

A perfect blank page for anyone to dream about any scenario they want.

" I just know it! One of the secretaries spoke as she stirred her coffee " great sage YN and mister al-haitham MUST be an item! Totally confirmed" She blushed lightly, imagining one of the steamy book cover that she managed to buy in Inazuma

The rest of the group looks at her attentively, this is one of their common lunch talks. Paperwork, unreasonable workers, talking shit about their boss and gossip about their favorite pair

" Oh?" The golden eyes of one of the boys open wide as does his mouth, letting out a bit of food " how are you so sure even?"

" Hear this'' she leans towards the table as if she was about to tell a top secret " al-haitham was on his desk, as usual right?" The rest of the group looked at her with total attention, breaths hitched "I had to deliver a letter but when I was about to enter I saw the great sage next to al-haitham so obviously I didn't enter. I didn't want to ruin my OTP's moment-"

" You just wanted to eavesdrop but sure "

" Shush! So I stood by listening and they were really like ' oh, haitham, you should take a break from work for a moment. We could go to my office and drink some tea' all while being very touchy feely and al-haitham kinda smiles knowingly before going so I had to leave the letter in the door -"

" Ehem!" One of the matra touches her shoulder, quickly dimming the environment " care to repeat that?"

Jumping from her chair she looks wide-eyed at the matra followed by two other matras " I swear I didn't mean to eavesdrop it was only an acc-"

The blond one steps ahead crossing his arms ready to fight " that is the problem! The problem is lying blatantly about possible affairs from the great sage! Everyone knows great sage and cyno are in love

" Obviously! And you said you stood by the door? Then how would you have known they were touchy feely and if he smiled or not! Only lies!"

The oldest steps in, trying to calm the other two down, seemingly he is their senior " you two only came because you wanted to warn them about lying about a public figure. Either way, young lass, do you know how severe lying about this is?"

Grasping the fabric around her chest she stands her ground, facing against the supposed 'boss' " I might have exaggerated with the touching part but the great sage WAS inside mister Al-haitham's office and they DID offer him to drink tea at their private office".

The blond one jumps in place, an offended look on his face " even then! How would you ever think they would fall in love with such a straight faced dull man!"

Sara gasps looking at him " straight faced! That is flavorful coming from you! You mean to say Cyno, the general mahatma is more expressive than mister al-haitham! I'm so sorry but that is plainly untrue!"

" I have only seen your so beloved 'misteir il-haithim" frown! I know you low level workers don't know how hard the sages' work is they need someone reliable and comforting like Cyno!"

The other matra chimes in rising reasons why Cyno is better than al-haitham, to each of them his coworker nods, while their superior looks somewhat embarrassed " Cyno has a whole personality outside of his job! He likes card games, he is protective of his friends, reliable, funny!"

Tte oldest gives a broken smile " O-Oh well maybe that one…"

" UP FOR DISCUSSION! But either way the great sage YN always laughs at his jokes!"

" Huh?!

"As cynos unofficial big brothers we have to help him get his happiness! He only relaxes when the great sage YN is around. I will not allow you bunch to sully it with senseless rumors"

" Yeah, plus Cyno spent three weeks next to the great sage! Obviously there should be something there"

The chubby and meek girl stands up " Well most of that time was spent believing the sage was a criminal! I wouldn't date anyone who thought that of me!"

The lanky matra gets closer, visibility mad by the vein in his neck " Cyno was only doing his job!"

" And?! I don't think my trust could easily be built if his first impression of me was that of a criminal!"

Looking down the window you look at the busy streets beaming with light and sound " I'm happy everything is as calm as usual" you say softly as you lean against your lover's chest, faintly smelling the white tea from his mug and his mouth. You wonder, would his lips taste like white tea?

He nods before resting his head on your own, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around you as if he was about to sleep with a teddy bear

No longer caring about making hypotheses, you give him a quick kiss, lingering around his face to notice any reaction. Looking carefully you see his lips turn the slightest upwards and his pale hair hiding the sprinkle in his eyes. Leaning down he gives a light kiss on your cheek

He tastes like tea, a lightly orange blossom taste lingering on the tip of your tongue. How much will the taste change if you add raspberries? Or maybe Jazmine? You will have to check then, surely your handsome lover wouldn't refuse any affection under the alibi of sharing a cup of tea

[jewishbarbies]

Hi, I don’t remember if you’ve ever talked about Ariana Grande before on your page, but I think you have once or twice and since I saw some Swifties lump her and Taylor together in the “it’s not their fault that the men they dated couldn’t handle their succcess pipeline.” I just was interested to know your thoughts on the situation.

Personally both these takes irk me to no end. With Ariana’s ex husband it is now circulating that he cheated on her and made her feel like she wasn’t good enough for him etc, but in the same breath her husband making her feel lonely was now an excuse to go after a married man (and this isn’t me excusing Ethan Slater, he was married and just had a baby with this woman while he was cheating on her with Ariana so he’s just as much to blame.) that just hurt the other woman in the situation similar to how Ariana was hurt and I know hurt people hurt people, but they still have to be held accountable. It’s not Ariana leaving Dalton that made people turn on her, it’s not the fact that Ariana is a successful woman in the industry. It’s the fact that she played a part in destroying a marriage and doesn’t feel remorse for doing so (along with other past problematic behavior)

And of course they have to find a way to lump Taylor in the conversation, they claim that Joe was intimidated by Taylor’s success, but I think that blatantly untrue. They were both in separate professions and while Taylor is more successful than Joe I don’t think it was him being intimidated by her success that broke the straw on the camels back for them. It could have been any number of things with those two, along with her rabid fanbase, Joe likes things private, Taylor’s Stan’s will always be obsessed with every aspect of her life and if she doesn’t set boundaries like other artists do I can see why he would t want a part of that, but of course people don’t see the whole picture in both these situations, they only see what they want to see to avoid their faves from taking accountability so they can see them as more than human-

i think ariana needs to seek professional help and i'm not being funny about that. i've seen a lot of people who have struggled with eating disorders speculate on her current appearance (incredibly thin, super pale, etc.) and little things she's done/said that reminded them of what they did/said during their disorders. she was pretty young when she rocketed to stardom and she was put through a lot of sexualization and shit with working at nikelodean and dan schneider specifically, and imo i think it's affected her way more than anyone has ever speculated.

she's been on a non stop cheating and going after married men spree since her nikelodean days (along with the race cosplaying, etc.), so this behavior isn't new, but there's something to be said about how public this one was. i don't think she was expecting the wife to have the guts to go to the press, i think she expected her to roll over and take it like all the others because she's Ariana Grande and what could anyone say that would sway her fans? she sorely misjudged that woman and it's royally biting her in the ass. but her new album just came out and everyone is acting like they like her again, so. not sure it's actually going to affect her career in a meaningful way.

i personally think both she and ethan are absolute trash, and i hope that woman and her baby are safe, taken care of, and she finds true happiness somewhere else that's worthy of her. and i really hope ariana gets some help.

[hecksupremechips]

💀(I know u have tea and pent up rage let it all out my guy)

There’s been lots of random blogs I get all pissed off about, like the numerous t*rf blogs I’ve blocked or the ppl who say creepy shit in the it tag (cough cough the person who wrote the pedophilia incest fic). But I think I’ll do the ranting about a blog that you’re all too familiar with 🤡. I won’t name drop but I’m sure ppl could figure out easily enough

They made many angry rants about how shipping jesse/lake was super toxic and creepy and I mean, ehhhh. I’m not too into that ship but I’m not gonna argue that cuz it just is a major stretch. It’s okay to just not like something you don’t have to make up shit lol

Bouncing off the first point they were very protective of lake as a character and got really heated if you didn’t see them as a lesbian specifically. Which I can kindaaaa agree in a sense? Like lake is canon butch so when ppl make them feminine it’s pretty shit cuz they as a character don’t feel comfortable with that and it makes me wonder why people are aching to put a butch in girly clothes (I know why but still). I personally like to see lake as a trans guy cuz mostly I’m starved for that shit cuz we have literally nothing and I really relate to a lot of what lake goes through in the season. But hm, I’m not gonna act like that’s the one true way to interpret this character. There’s evidence in the text that can point in many directions. And yeah I have my own hcs for these characters and theres hcs other people have that I don’t like but if it’s nothing harmful or blatantly untrue then I’m gonna mind my own business since sexuality/gender wise these characters aren’t actually anything and it’s all up to interpretation

They said that ace hcs were sexualizing minors and talked over the numerous ace ppl that told them that straight up wasn’t true because THEY HAVE EXPERIENCE BEING ACE

Really hated kez to like an absurd degree and was so peeved at her existence. I think it’s just really funny akdbsks

Acted like god cuz they wrote some of the first b4 fics and they were severely out of character obviously cuz they wrote them BEFORE THE DAMN SEASON CAME OUT AAAA but despite that they popularized some shitty trends in how ppl saw Ryan and Min and definitely popularized shitty homophobia shit in fics. Like I’m so sorry that I think reading these guys say slurs and be misogynistic assholes is severely out of character like bitch just cuz it’s the 80s doesn’t mean they these guys are massive bigots even before they realize their sexualities. And they don’t act like straight dudebros my man wtf. And before anyone says anything I know that it was written before the season came out but I raise my big complaint being WHY DID YOU WRITE THESE CHARACTERS BEFORE THEN YOU DONT EVEN KNOW SHIT ABOUT THEM MY MAN

In the same vein as previous point they were like super mad about how the actual season came out and it’s like oh noooo it’s almost like you built some shitty version in your head of how the show would be and when it obviously didn’t follow through you got all defensive. I mean I’m not saying you have to like the season but you kinda had it coming you know?

That’s all I’m gonna say I gotta get it out before I combust

[relaxxattack]

No but genuinely i got into dsmp when tommy does in the prison. I saw the tag 'HE'S DEAD' and people said it was about a fucking minecraft youtuber and i went 'what the fuck' and watched the vod. I was so fucking lost for about 2 weeks, i was reading posts and analysis and metas and kinda following but not really until i started to actually factchecking the stuff people were saying from the vods (tommyvods my beloved, easiest to find and consume) and it's been 4 months and i Know FOR A FACT that i know more about the early goddamn L'manburg and the entire exile arc more than some people who claim to be watching for much more than me. Like sure, lost media sucks and we all mourn them when we lose vods but holy shit the stuff we're constantly argue about aren't at all that hard to find? Most people just jump on to excuse that they are but like you said, you made whole ass playlist of vods, mfs just watch? It's not that hard? You can just speedrun the videos too if you just want to get the gist of it and don't have time but don't just telephone game blatantly untrue shit omg.

i have so much respect for you it’s unreal

[butwhatifidothis]

Losing my mind bc I just saw an Edelstan in the Dimitri tag say “nobody (3H fans) holds Dimitri accountable”. No SHIT fans don’t need to hold him accountable because the GAME already does!

In non-AM routes he dies brutally (because of HIS choices) and on his own route, he is being *constantly* chastised for his actions. When he DOES finally turn around, he admits to being responsible for pulling everyone along in a foolish campaign, apologizes, and backs it up with immediate action.

What the fuck else do these people want? Throw him in jail? Make him pay reparations to the families of soldiers he killed who invaded HIS country?

The only reasons Edelcrits want her due accountability is because the game itself *does not provide it*, at least on CF.

Like, if they don’t like other fans being critical of her, that’s honestly fine, but be honest and don’t make shit up that is blatantly untrue, lmao.

And like!! So many people hold Dimitri accountable for the shit he did! Yeah there's gonna be some people who try to erase all he's done, but literally every character with a fanbase is going to do that. But for Dimitri nah, for the most part his fans have him take responsibility for his actions - hell, some of them go so far as to say they make him unworthy of leadership! If that's not making him take accountability gone too far I dunno what is!

And like you said, the game has Dimitri be the only lord to consistently call him out for his bad actions - Claude has it sometimes, and Edelgard barely if ever, but they don't hold a candle to Dimitri. Why should we, as fans who've played the game (or I should say, ought to have finished the game by now. Cough. Cough.) go through and criticize Dimitri when we know he's already been criticized, he's already accepted responsibility, he's already trying to make amends, in the game itself?

They oughta admit to wanting to see him live that cottage core life and end it at that without trying to excuse it away with BS reasoning lmao, it'll make 'em honest at least

[comingoutofthecauldron]

on malyen oretsev as a character and a love interest

this might be slightly rambly and incoherent but i need to say it. malyen oretsev has been the underdog in this fandom for as long as i can remember. a little while ago it was the “malaria” jokes (very classy, folks), and then waves upon waves of mal antis and darkling stans/apologists, and even now a decent majority of the fandom is convinced he’s just boring or an asshole. and fair enough on that last account, if you genuinely don’t like him as a character, that’s fine. but there are a lot of accusations people throw mal’s way that i am really sick and tired of hearing, and hopefully this will help put a stop to them.

mal is not boring. mal is witty and charismatic and an easy friend, and he is also incredibly brave. when he thought alina was being tortured and brutalised by the darkling, he volunteered for a suicide mission to track the stag—which he didn’t even know existed—into fjerda because it was the only way he thought he could help her. that mission killed two of his best friends. people say mal is an asshole because of the way he treated alina when he saw her (months after she’d been dragged away from him against her will) happy and healthy in amongst the people who had looked down on the both of them their whole lives, after having just lost his best friends for her. i say his being upset was pretty understandable. and yes, he was a bit of asshole in siege & storm, but he’s a teenage boy and you cannot hold him to all these ridiculously high moral and behavioural standards (especially when you don’t hold other characters like nikolai or the darkling to those standards). everyone has their asshole moments. nikolai’s is ongoing. holding mal’s against him just because he’s not all-powerful like the darkling or royal like nikolai is bullshit, plain and simple.

as for malina, i have a lot to say on that front. a lot of people say that mal was only interested in alina after she got her powers, but that is blatantly untrue. the quote, “just you and me. it’s always just you and me, alina” literally happens in the first chapter of shadow & bone. mal himself said that he always loved alina, and her being taken away was the wakeup call he needed. if anything, alina’s powers only complicated their relationship—mal didn’t know how to deal with her becoming the very thing they’d both grown to resent after being treated like shit in the first army while the grisha were treated like royalty, which explains a lot of the tension in their relationship surrounding alina’s abilities.

people tend to say that mal didn’t like it when alina became powerful and less dependent on him, but that’s not right. mal never wanted alina to be less. he was afraid of what would happen to her if she became more. from his point of view, all that alina’s powers brought them was trouble; the darkling’s grooming of alina and his subsequent manhunt for them, nikolai’s proposal to alina (when he was an adult and alina was a minor), the apparat’s cult and imprisonment of them, the death of the only mother figure they’d ever known. in his mind, alina’s powers only ever brought them misery, and mal was scared of losing her to that misery. we saw how they were torn apart throughout the books, because mal was otkazat’sya, and he was not the only one who felt that that might never be good enough for alina. neither of them ever wanted the power that alina was given. that’s why it was so hard for mal to accept that alina wanted to keep it—he was scared it would corrupt her the way it had the darkling. he was scared of losing her.

the argument that really frustrates me is when people call malina abusive. say it with me, folks: malina is not an abusive ship. mal and alina loved each other unconditionally. even if he wasn’t happy about alina’s powers, he knew that it was important to alina that she use them to save ravka, and so he helped her. he owed ravka nothing. this was the country whose monarchy had essentially taken his life from him to force him into being little more than a foot soldier in their army; the country his friends had died for thanks to the darkling being placed in such a position of power; the country whose king let the people starve whilst he sat in his golden palace and wasted more money. mal helped alina save ravka not because he loved his country, but because he loved her. hell, he literally died for her.

whilst we’re on the subject, let’s talk about that quote that people like to say is abusive: “i love you, alina, even the part of you that loved him.” do you understand how monumental that quote is? mal found out that the darkling is the same darkling who made the shadow fold, the shadow fold that had taken numerous lives and that had gotten them into this mess in the first place. he was beginning to realise the extent of the manipulation alina had undergone at the hands of the darkling, the grooming and abuse. they both knew the atrocities that the darkling had committed, and yet mal has it in himself to tell alina that not only does he not care that alina ever thought she loved the darkling, he loves her all the same anyway? how is that abusive?

lastly, i want to talk about his most infamous quote: “i am become a blade.” this is one of my favourite quotes in the entire grishaverse, and i’m going to explain why. a lot of people think that it’s grammatically incorrect, but as your local grammar nerd, i’m here to tell you that it’s not! as alina notices, the actual tattoo is written in ancient ravkan: e’ya sta rezku. because of that, the quote translates with slightly strange phrasing, but that phrasing still makes grammatical sense. it’s sort of like how shakespearean english is still english, it just sounds different.

now, grammar aside, i want to talk about why the quote is so beautiful (to me, anyway). mal has been used all his life. when they were at keramzin, he tracked and hunted animals for them to eat. in the first army, he was used as a foot soldier and a tracker, and the darkling (and nikolai, to an extent) used him to track the amplifiers. he’d always had his agency taken away from him by those with more power, and he’d been used and mistreated almost every time. then he turns around and offers himself and his agency up to alina without a second thought. because he loves and trusts her that much. at this point, it doesn’t seem to him as though there’s any chance of him and alina ever being together or getting a happy ending. he’s not doing it for that. he’s doing it because alina wants to save ravka, and he loves alina, so he wants to help her do that. in all of his indecision about his life and what he is and who he is for alina, he is able to decide that to live in service of her, to live for her, is exactly what he needs to do. he is essentially saying, “i recognise your power and though i am afraid for you, i won’t hold it against you now. instead i’ll help you wield it and fulfil your destiny, even if that isn’t what i want/what i want for you and even if it gets me killed.”

mal is a teenage boy who had to mature very quickly under terrible circumstances. of course he’s not perfect and he makes mistakes, but i cannot for the life of me understand why he is hated on such a large scale. he was an asshole to alina at some points, yes, but alina was usually an asshole right back, and it was only because they were both pining and angry at their situation. if you still don’t like him, fine, but for the love of god, stop calling him abusive/toxic. he’s a good character and a healthy love interest (a rare sight in ya) and malina is a healthy romance. it’s that simple.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

When a Grady Actor Confirmed TD and Other Reasons the Spoilers Don’t Spoil TD

Okay Everyone, I’m gonna cover a few of things today that I hope will help everyone to continue feeling at least somewhat better about the spoilers. 

***More spoilers below (same ones as yesterday, actually) but don’t read if you don’t want to know. You’ve been warned.***

1) Could the spoilers be fake?

I got plenty of messages and comments yesterday, too. Some of them claiming these spoilers aren’t even true and the person who spoiled them is a troll and unreliable. 

Now, before everyone starts messaging me and commenting about how you “know” these are true and the screeners are out, please note that I’m not making a claim either way. The account that spoiled this isn’t one who normally gets and reviews screeners, which means they could be false. That doesn’t mean that account didn’t get these from a reputable source, which means they could be true.

As I said yesterday, overall, I think they’re probably true. I think they were probably intentionally leaked to hype up the fandom and gauge our reactions. And I would rather you all make your peace with them being real rather than holding out hope that they’re totally false. But I think it’s worth reiterating that they haven’t been 100% confirmed, yet.

2) There’s a whole other person involved in this Leah arc that we don’t know about yet.

You know how yesterday I went on and on about how we don’t have anything near all the details of this arc? Well, someone pointed this out to me. Don’t feel bad if you totally missed it, because I did, too, and I haven’t seen anyone talking about it.

Look at the picture of Leah below carefully. Look at what’s behind her. If you look closely, there’s someone kneeling on the ground. They’ve got one knee resting on the floor, and the other one pointed toward the ceiling with their foot flat. You can see one shoulder to the left of Leah’s hip.

Spoilers make no mention of this person. We have no idea who they are or how they fit into the story.

This looks to me like it’s when she and Daryl first meet (hence, she doesn’t trust him and is holding him at gunpoint) and she seems to be protecting this person from him. Whoever it is, it probably has to do with why she’s out there to begin with, and will probably factor in how/why she disappears.

And I have no doubt that this shot is purposeful, guys. If they wanted us to know about this person directly, they would have given us a more obvious shot of them. And yet, they have put hints of the person in the shots they DID release. Isn’t that just like them?

But my point is, this is proof that there is a lot about this episode the spoilers are leaving out. So please keep that in mind.

3) When a Grady actor directly addressed TD.

So, for the past few days, as you can imagine I’ve been talking with and consoling people about these spoilers. I just keep going back to the stuff we KNOW. Like that there are missing scenes Emily was in from S5. Those have nothing to do with Leah and suggest Beth’s return. And if she’s returning, I promise you, Bethyl will be a thing.

The other thing I mentioned to people is when Jarod Thompson (guy that played one of the Grady cops) addressed TD directly. 

I quickly realized I needed to repost this because no one seemed to have any idea what I was talking about. Then it took me an hour to find it because I didn’t give it its own post when I first posted it. It was buried at the bottom of this Rick’s Fate post from S9 and not properly indexed. But I did finally locate it.

So, here’s the rundown. Right after the episode where Jadis took Rick away in the helicopter, Jarod Thompson tweeted this:

I’m pretty sure you can’t find this tweet anymore. It was taken down. But let me make a couple of points here. 

First, the obvious. TD has nothing to do with Leah. She wasn’t even on anyone’s radar back then. So what he’s telling us here has nothing to do with Leah. He’s basically telling us that Beth will return. 

Translation: Leah doesn’t matter. Beth is coming back. 

This is just one (of many) things that keeps me strong in TD. Because the actor actually confirmed this for us. And then it was quickly taken down, which is always suspicious to me. Why? Well, I’m sure some people will be quick to counter with the argument that maybe he was just trolling or making fun of us. But I don’t see that as a terribly logical argument. 

He’s never done it before or since. 

We have other evidence (HERE) of him working with Emily post-season 5, and possibly in the hospital setting. 

The timing is suspicious. This happened after Rick left. And I personally think that what he referred to here was the CRM. 9x05 was the first time they really came front and center, an active part of the story. So I think he was hinting that Beth is inside that organization as well and that now that the audience knows who they are, the stage is set and things are in motion for her return.

For the record, it was not long after this that we started getting the massing amount of Beth/Emily promotion on social media. 

Most importantly, his tweet was removed, probably by him at someone else’s request. Think about this really logically, guys. They don’t remove tweets about Caryl happening. They don’t remove teases about Daryl and Connie. They only remove suspicious posts that might tell us something about Beth’s return. There’s a reason for that. 

Furthermore, consider this. He’s kind of a small-time actor on the show. Of course I don’t mean that in a negative way. He’s fabulous. But I mean he’s not a main character on the show like Andy or Norman or Lauren. And HE knows all about TD, what we want, obviously what is going to happen, and which events in the show constitute room for us “to breathe.” 

So what does that tell you about other actors on the show, the writers, and any higher-ups connected to the show?

Yeah. Exactly.

Which leads me to my next order of business:

4) Kirkman’s Post/Poll

I think most people saw this last night, but if you didn’t , here it is. 

You can still vote HERE. I took the screenshot last night. I just checked again and the percentage has gone down a couple of points (still at 47%) with more than 9500 votes at this time. So the ‘bring Beth back’ option is still the runaway winner.

Here’s the thing. The timing on this is super-suspicious to me. When was the last time Kirkman tweeted something about Beth? I have no idea, and don’t care to go digging through his Twitter account to find out, but I promise you he hasn’t done it in a long time. He’s said things about her and Bethyl during interviews and such, of course, but he doesn’t just randomly tweet about her. Like...ever.

So you’re telling me that on day 2 after these spoilers leak, when the fandoms are loosing their collective minds, Kirkman just so happens to post this? No way. I don’t buy it.

Look, I know most of us don’t like Kirkman. And I’m not defending him. I don’t like him either. But after watching his interaction with tptb all these years, I have come to believe that they do use him. 

Gimple (and now Kang, I’m sure) are very careful about what they say. Guys, I’ve watched and analyzed this VERY closely over the years, which is why I always say that they never directly lie to us. Misdirection? Yes. Hyperbole? Of course. But they never look into the camera and tell us something blatantly untrue. 

I believe that’s because they don’t want the fans to be able to point at anything they say and accuse them of falsehood. That’s why they can’t ever say much, because it’s either give spoilers (which they won’t) or lie (which they also won’t). That’s why their answers are always so vague and general and very, very irritating. 

But Kirkman isn’t one of the showrunners. He’s connected to it, of course, and I think he knows a lot about what’s coming down the pipeline, but if he says something that’s untrue, tptb can simply shrug and say, “he’ doesn’t make executive story decisions.” Because of that, I believe they use him to sew discord and misdirection. 

And again, I’m not saying this isn’t troll-ish. I’m not saying I like this tactic or that it’s a good thing. I’m simply saying this is what they do. 

So when Kirkman says anything TD-related, I pay attention. Not because I think we should take it at face value, but because the timing, context, how he frames it, and what’s going on in the fandom at the time can tell us a lot about it and give us some clues. 

So, in this case, I think tptb are watching the fandom’s reactions to the spoilers and trying to do a little damage control. But here’s what really gets me: he only mentioned Beth, and specifically in the context of bringing her back. I mean, ALL the shipping fandoms are freaking out right now. All of them are hating these spoilers and losing their shit right now. But he ONLY mentions Beth.

I truly believe that this is tptb, through Kirkman, addressing TD specifically, and just kind of throwing us a bone. They’re not addressing the others because there isn’t any hope for those other ships. 

I know there will be people who disagree with him and think he’s just making fun of us. I understand why people think that. But guys, if that were the case, we’d see at least SOME comments about other characters or ships. There aren’t any. And hey, look through the comments on his tweet. There’s a ton of Beth support (which is why she won the poll) and a few haters, but there are also lots of people who are kind of mystified, saying things like, “How about bring back Glenn? Or Rick? Or Carl?”

See what I mean? 

5) The time Gimple Confirmed Something that was NOT Going to Happen on the Show

Okay, gonna end by reminding you of just one more thing. Just a couple of months ago, before the finale of The World Beyond, S1, one of the actors teased on TTD that we might see Rick in the finale. 

Now, that was totally false. The finale came and went with no Rick (obviously). The actor was just trolling and trying to get people riled up, which he succeeded at. A few days later, Gimple was giving an interview to a clickbait site and they asked him about it. Gimple started to give his run-of-the-mill, vague answer but stopped mid-sentence and said this:

ComicBook.com asked Gimple if World Beyond was working up to a Rick Grimes reveal. 

“You know what? I’m very happy to say… I’m not happy to say the answer,” he said, clearly aware he was about to disappoint people. “I’m happy to be definitive with people. It is not.”

That’s one, I don’t know if people are being cagey about that. But I feel that one’s important not to be cagey about…I think people could watch this show and learn a lot about the mythology that Rick Grimes is caught up in. And they might even see places where Rick Grimes has been. But yeah, he’s not swinging around the corner. And I don’t even know if I’m making people upset saying that, but I just don’t like people watching it, sort of expecting Rick.”

Full article HERE.

Guys, they’ve never done that with Beth and TD. EVER!!!

I’m just saying.

And I can already hear counter arguments about how they’ve never shut down other ships like C@ryl or Donnie either. You’re right, but those characters are still front and center on the show. If Beth is dead and not coming back, why wouldn’t they put her to rest for us the way he did with this Rick rumor? (And I’m also going to argue that they’ve given us very clear indications in the show about a few of these ships, and the shippers just don’t want to accept them. But that’s not entirely relevant here.)

Thoughts?

[bisluthq]

Honestly, I think the ONLY reason hardcore hetlor truthering is because of the hardcore gaylorism that exists. Pretty much the only other sub-fandom group that exists that is THIS invested in proving their fave is secretly gay and hid a gay relationship for years and also THIS well known on different corners of the internet (because hardcore gaylorism and kaylorism has become insanely popular the past years) are Larries and within Harry’s fandom there’s also a group of super loud Antis that constantly fight them and go hardcore against them. With Taylor, gaylorism is often much more than just believing in Kaylor, it also extends to believing in other wlw relationships AND believing many of her straight relationships were fake, including Toe. We also see the same opposite reaction as with Larries and Antis, except in this case people that Anti it go against EVERYTHING Gaylors believe, which is why they seem so against even the smallest mention that Taylor could be fruity- they immediately assume that if you believe that, you also believe Taylor broke up with Karlie in 2019, isn’t really dating Joe, etc. And by extension, that’s why they ride SO hard for Taylor being straight. Of course that doesn’t automatically make it okay, but it is a very “logical” anti-reaction (as in, it makes sense that’s what happened) because of course there’s always two opposite sides with this stuff so of course hardcore hetlor truthers exist ever since hardcore gaylor truthers exist (which really didn’t exist before folklore tbh, before that everyone was just a Kaylor who sometimes believed in Swiftgron and sometimes not). Anyway this is a LOT longer than it could’ve been because I ramble a lot lmao but yeah hardcore hetlorism really only exists since the Vogue interview (because in their minds she then confirmed she was straight and they feel the need to defend that) and since *hardcore* gaylorism became really popular, as a reaction to that movement. So in short, hetlorism is in my experience barely about Taylor herself: it’s much more about going against gaylors because they see that entire group as inherently invasive and offensive because they generalise the most extreme behaviour seen in said group (which is wrong obviously).

Yeah idk it’s still just weird to me because I get being a Kaylor anti but I struggle with the Gaylor anti’ing, even where it’s blatantly not true lol like with the “they broke up in 2019 Karlie’s the Celia to Tay’s Evelyn” you know? Like that’s not really a conspiracy it’s just… untrue. And it seems weird to me to invest your time in anti’ing that because it’s very… difficult to do idk. You can debunk wacky Kaylor shit (or any other wlw ship or tbh late stage Haylor and shit) as much as you want because you feel that it’s fucking stupid and it’s a slippery slope to believing other cracked out shit but if some people like to believe a fanfic like who fucking cares?

I also think you’re wrong about when Hetlor truthers were born, they were around in 2014-2015 too and they weren’t like… Kay konspiracy antis at that point, because Kaylor legit were besties who hung out a bunch and Taylor did like gay shit on Tumblr a lot, like that was happening. They were bothered by and pressed by the speculation around Taylor’s sexuality.

Which again is just so weird to me because Taylor herself has like… continuously encouraged it. I don’t think the likes ~mean anything but it’s not bizarre to me that people saw her liking shit that was like “I can make the straight girls gay for the weekend” and were like 👀 especially since she was publicly single at the time and mostly surrounded by women.

Anti crack ships as much as you want, but if you wind up hetty truthering you’re fucking out of line and… need to calm down.

[ds-sparrow-manufacturing-co]

A Rebuttal

Ok so I really did not want to make this post. I would’ve loved to have left this whole thing behind because I’m aware I made some mistakes and would like to atone for them, but it seems I’m going to have to go over this one more time. For anyone seeing this post who somehow doesn’t know, I said some regrettable things about Aidan Gallagher here. I later made another post here summarising the entire situation that resulted, so I would suggest you read that first. 

I’m still getting people telling me what I said was fucked up, which is entirely justified. However, I have just now realised that the person who took it upon themselves to ‘correct’ me about my opinions of Aidan Gallagher (something that has not changed, I still strongly dislike him) later made several derogatory posts about me. I was not aware of this because after the first rude post they made about me, I blocked them to save myself the additional stress. 

I have done my best to deal with this whole thing as calmly and politely as possible. When this person was downright evil towards me, I didn’t bother to argue with them, I just made an admittedly-snarky post with a screenshot of what they said, and then blocked them because I had no desire to begin an argument. When I realised that what I had said about Aidan Gallagher had been fucked up, I apologised, accepted my mistake and did what I could to fix it. But I am out of patience. I don’t take kindly to being treated the way this person has treated me, I don’t think anyone does. So here I am, about to break down everything they said about me bit by bit to show you how much of a lying scumbag they have been towards me (as well as possibly others).

warning: this post is incredibly long

tw: su*c*de mentions

My first interaction with this person was when i got an anon ask who wanted to know what Aidan Gallagher had done to make me dislike him. I responded with a brief list, excluding most of my evidence because it was late at night and I didn’t have the energy to go down the rabbit hole of all this. The following day, the blog this post is about reblogged my post, attempting to disprove everything I said. I will not include screenshots here, because it was a long post, you can find it in my archive if you so wish. I read what they said, took everything into account, and responded with my proof for things I hadn’t previously included the proof for, as well as explanations for why certain things he’s said annoyed/upset me. I expected a polite response, as we had both been courteous so far. 

Instead,  I received the following:

Now, lets break down some of what they said.

‘stop saying things you can’t prove, because it’s fake’ - I provided my proof. I am not trying to lie to anyone, or perpetuate rumours. All I aimed to do was explain my point of view and why I personally dislike him.

‘some of your screenshots are fake’ - That’s just blatantly untrue, especially as they have at other points said things along the lines of ‘well yes but he apologised/he didn’t mean it like that’ for everything I have provided screenshots for. Make up your mind.

‘you’re so gullible’ - For... having an opinion? That I researched before forming? And which is based on something other than my blind faith in a 17 year old? Right.

This was when I blocked them.

I thought that was going to be the end of the situation. Then, I got some asks.

I saw this and, being a minor, was a little creeped out. I had assumed this person was a teenage fangirl because that’s who the majority of Aidan Gallgher’s fans are so this information was surprising.

This one scared me. I did what the anon suggested, created a backup (i won’t tag it here because I get the feeling some of the aforementioned ‘army’ are going to see this) and reported the other blog. Once again, I thought it was over.

It was at this point that people started telling me how fucked up what I said in my original post was, and I realised they were right. As mentioned at the start of this post, I apologised, and did everything I could to fix it. End of, right?

Until today, where I started thinking about what the above anons had said and decided to fact check, mainly out of curiosity. I unblocked the blog, only to discover they had made 3 posts about me that I hadn’t seen.

This was the first one, as you can see they began it with a screenshot of my original post. Let’s talk about this.

“but you wishing him dead is ok?” - I never wished him dead, to start with. Stabbing does not automatically equal death, but I know that’s nitpicky of me. I also did not wish he was stabbed. I said in that exact tag that I didn’t, because of TUA. However, I know that this ‘joke’ was really shitty of me, and I have already apologised multiple times.

“what kind of a low life do you have to be to have nothing better to do, but talk shit about a kid?” - Why don’t you tell me? As I’ve said multiple times, I am a minor. That doesn’t excuse what I said, but that does make it incredibly hypocritical of them to say that given everything.

This was the second post they made about me, beginning with the same screenshot as in the first post.

“they’re spreading false rumors” - I’ve already covered this one.

“they want a reason to be mean, even if it isn’t true” - I would never be mean to someone if they hadn’t done anything to deserve it. I’m a strong believer in the moral philosophy of respecting everyone until they give you a reason not to. Aidan Gallagher has given me more than enough reasons to lose respect for him. And, honestly? I still respect him as an actor, even if only that.

“you can’t say you’re a decent human being and wish someone dead. you can’t say you’re anti-bullying and want to prevent suicide and then bully someone” - That is some big talk from someone who claimed they were ok with what Aidan Gallagher said about mental health because they’ve had their own experiences with suicide, before immediately telling me to rot and burn in hell for disagreeing with them. And, wait a second, wasn’t Aidan Gallagher the one supporting women’s rights and feminism who then turned around and made gross comments towards a bunch of girls? Hmm. Also, wishing someone dead is too wide of a blanket statement to actually measure whether someone is a decent human being with. 

“i tried to be nice” - I didn’t know telling someone to rot in hell, calling them a stupid hoe, was being nice. I didn’t know lying, and telling people to report someone because they disagreed with you was being nice (notice how they never said anything about my stabbing comment until I disagreed with them.) I guess we have very different definitions of nice.

“if they really cared, they would kindly ask a fan if the rumors were true” - And that, ladies gentleman and variations thereupon, is a brilliant example of how not to perform unbiased research! I based my opinion on actual evidence, and neutral articles as well as arguments from both sides. Not on one fan who’s likely to deny everything.

“they said it themselves, they have no proof” - That is so incredibly cherrypicked. What I actually said was “supposedly used the f-slur although i can’t find proof“, one of the many points on my list of reasons I dislike Aidan Gallagher. You know why I said that? Because I found a screenshot of him supposedly having called someone that slur via Instagram but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided it was probably edited. I included the point on my list in the hopes of people doing their own research. And I certainly did not say I had no proof for anything, as you would know if you saw my original response to this blog, where I provided proof.

“threatening him and bullying him is wrong” - I am fully admitting of the fact my stabbing comment was in poor taste but it was very clearly not a threat and not even close to being bullying. Furthermore, I would say making four posts harassing and telling others to harass someone because they disagree with you is a lot closer to being bullying than anything I did was.

“defamation is a crime” - I live in the UK, so let’s use those defamation laws. A statement is not defamation unless it ‘ has caused or is likely to cause serious harm to the reputation of the claimant.’ Less than a hundred people are even aware my blog exists. Nowhere near enough people have seen anything I’ve said to count as defamatory. Not to mention that a statement is not defamatory if it is a statement of opinion.

“you’ll get karma for lying and playing the victim” -  Ohhh the irony. I have not lied once. I have provided all the necessary proof for everything and I have owned up to my mistakes. And yet, they, who have repeatedly lied about me, twisted my words and oddly enough, avoided including proof outside that one screenshot of my original post, are the one accusing me of playing the victim. Classy.

“hi to your little follower that you cry to” - This one’s just hilarious to me. I’m happy to have people on here who will let me know when people are, you know, harassing and bullying me. And, what the hell do they mean by ‘cry to’? Do they mean ‘mentioned that this situation was stressful once’? Wow.

“I promise you misery for the rest of your sad little life” - Honestly just re-read the other screenshots after seeing they said this. Jesus Christ. And, as someone who already struggles with depression and other mental health issues I’m interested to know what they’re intending to do that’s gonna be any worse.

“you’ll pay! that’s not a threat it’s a promise” - Are they planning on tracking me down? Or are they just going to keep sitting on their throne of yes men and echo chambers acting as if they’re actually affecting me? 

I would say this is the last post I plan to make about this situation but I’ve said that over and over again throughout the last 12 days and it’s never the last post. This whole situation has honestly been very emotionally taxing, and combined with some real life things, it’s been a bad week or so. Hopefully this post is enough to end this whole thing. 

[artificialqueens]

That's so Sharon Needles (Shalaska) - Needles4prez

Summary: Sharon had convinced herself for a while now that Alaska had probably entirely moved on from their past years spent together.

AN: This is a short messy fic I quickly wrote after a pretty rough week. It’s cheesy and fluffy and extremely dumb. My apologies if the writing quality is poor, plenty of wine will do that to ya! I’m working on some more serious multi chapter fics for later, but figured this’ll do for now. <3

Simple 1.8k words

Sharon had convinced herself for a while now that Alaska had probably entirely moved on from their past years spent together. It’d been two months since they’d broken up and stopped talking and Sharon couldn’t prevent the thoughts of Alaska hooking up with other people. It was wrong to be fazed by the idea of someone you love bettering themselves by moving on, Sharon knew that much. And, yet she still dreaded the return to her apartment in Pittsburgh, every single night. Sharon hadn’t moved on. She was however, a good liar. Sharon Needles had the ability to plaster on a confident smile that told the world with ease, that she, simply needed no one to rely on for anything. Maybe it’d be an inspiring message to project to everyone, if it hadn’t been so damn untrue. Parts of Sharon’s life were blessed, she ensured that she never found herself becoming ungrateful for all that her friends and chosen family have done for her. She had secured a strong career for herself, built her life from the ground up, and succeeded in receiving a rewarding paycheck at the end of each month. All was well, to the eye of an outsider. But, no one saw the Sharon who would have outbursts, cursing Alaska’s name as any minor thing goes wrong.

Their apartment was much messier now that Alaska was gone, beer cans were scattered all over the floor’s surface, no longer a pretty blonde there to gladly pick them up after her self-proclaimed PBR Princess. Cooking rarely took place anymore, Sharon stumbling into the poxy home space in the late hours, occasionally able to catch a takeaway place in time. Sure, neither her or Alaska had been fantastic cooks to begin with, but they made it work. It was an enjoyable experience, laughter erupting from the two of them as they regularly managed to burn the bottom of their pan with something as simple as pasta bake. Sharon at most times can feel her mind slipping away, and next thing she knows, she’ll be stood in the centre of her kitchen envisioning Alaska wrapping her arms around her waist, slender arms squeezing with nothing but love. The worst times were always at night, and they only worsened when Sharon had to lay alone in bed, alienated and desperate for her previous lifestyle to somehow snap back into existence. Usually clinging to her cat Cerrone, or sometimes a pillow, in dire need for any form of touch; it constantly felt impossible to adapt to whatever this pitiful routine had become. Though it wasn’t easy, Sharon had for the past two months, avoided her most nearby gay bar like the plague. It would’ve been naive to think that she would manage to not come into contact with Alaska, and Sharon knew it’d hurt with more than she could handle if she did see her. Alaska would blatantly be doing just fine, upbeat and left scarless from the painful break up, while Sharon is cut and resentful. At least, that’s how things had been going before that night. That night at 11 PM where Sharon discarded the half-empty Chinese noodle box on her kitchen counter, assured herself she was better than this - she was Sharon Needles after all, and took out her favourite silk black dress from her closet, changing and throwing on a pair of heeled knee-high boots that flattered her shapely legs. A few years after being with Alaska, Sharon had admittedly started to eat much better and regularly than before, the tiniest sight of podge seeping above the tight fit of her undergarments. She was tired of weeping each night with no one by her side, tired of being terrified of the mere thought of bumping into Alaska at the bar they both loved so dearly, tired of pretending that she’s okay without the tall girl who had been her companion for almost 3 years now. It was ridiculous, maybe even pathetic. Sharon Needles had been fooling herself for two whole months now, and for what? If any time was her time, it was now. It was likely the alcohol that’d built up this steep hill of courage, and it worked for her. So, proudly, she slipped essentials into her purse, and exited her apartment complex, headed for the Blue Moon. The cold weather lingering on the streets brought a small chill to Sharon’s exposed skin, goosebumps rising and tickling the back of her neck, trailing its way down past her shoulders, and to the very bottom of her arms. She should’ve worn her leather jacket, but she knew if she spent any more time in her apartment, that this sudden rush of pride and bravery, would soon slowly fade. She brushed off the sensation, caressing her arms softly and swinging her long black hair over her shoulders and quickening her pace with determination. “Ouch, watch where you’re going for fucks sake!” A voice hisses, the sounds of whines and whimpers following behind. “Shit, I’m sorry.” Sharon quickly recovers from her collision with the other lady, holding out a hand apologetically for the girl who’s ass is currently on the sidewalk. The stranger reaches for the hand, and only as her head tilts up to connect her eyes with the clumsy person in front her, does it become clear to Sharon that it’s Alaska who’d toppled over. They stay silent for a moment as Alaska’s petite self gets heaved up, and Sharon can’t help but flush crimson at the awkward encounter. Prior to this, Sharon had rehearsed manys ways that the two would reunite, but this - was certainly not one of those ways. The blonde was repping a hot pink lipstick topped with a gloss, smokey eyeshadow, an obnoxious red bow the colour of Sharon’s cheeks tied into her tall ponytail, a tight red cocktail dress that fit her slender body perfectly; fabric clinging to her slim figure, hugging her long thin legs which made their existence known with thanks to the absence in length of the dress. Sharon tried not to stare too hard, but the way she had wiggled her body to get back on her feet caused the skirt of her dress to hitch up even higher. “I miss you, Alaska.” Sharon had never been one to beat around the bush, the intensity of her bluntness normally too much for people to know how to work with. It wasn’t always quite this bad, however. “How many beers?” It wasn’t an angry response, infact, the words were hushed like a whisper. Alaska was the only person who truly knew Sharon beneath the surface, the only person who had seen her vulnerable side, the self-doubt, the lack of confidence. She wasn’t stupid, this boldness stemmed from someplace else than just her natural mindset. “Two,” Sharon wanted to deny having had any, but knew better. She shoved her hand into her purse and rumadged it around blindly in search for a cigarette, or maybe a vape, or maybe a beer - any vice that would help in coping with whatever the fuck this was. A pack of cigarettes were closest to her grasp, so she settled for one and slipped it between her lips, bringing her lighter up and letting out a curse of aggravation under her breath as it stubbornly fails on her a couple times. Alaska snatched the lighter out from her hand, lazily pushing it back into Sharon’s purse with one hand, and stealing the cigarette with the other. This time, she places it between her own lips, holding in a cackle at the sight of Sharon who’s smiling smugly at her as she lights the cigarette with her much more trustworthy lighter, exhaling the smoke and blowing it over to Sharon’s face. “Why wait so long if you missed me that much?” Alaska huffs childishy, raising an eyebrow questioningly, and also, a little teasingly. Alaska had been impatiently waiting like a Princess in a tower for Sharon to cave into the pain of the quiet two months, admittedly experiencing aches in the pit of her belly as time continued to pass and concern began threatening her. “Oh, wait, did I say, I missed you? I was talking about Cerrone, he missed you.” She received an audible groan and a pair of rolling eyes for that one. Alaska purposely breathed out more smoke in Sharon’s direction and her lips suddenly curled up into a knowing smirk, one that Sharon had been all-too familiar with. “I have a boyfriend, anyways…” She trailed off, head tilted in favour to her left with two fingers now pressing on Sharon’s bottom lip. Sharon instinctively parted her lips and adjusted her head to take both the fingers in her mouth, sucking long and frustratingly slow; provoking a small gasp from the content blonde. Alaska snappily dropped the cigarette to the floor and crushed it with her pink heel, quickly returning back to Sharon who’s in a state of complete awe, dragging her fingers out of her mouth and down to Sharon’s chin, ensuring a stripe of dark lipstick marks the journey. “Even if that were true, you know you’ll always be mine.” Alaska shrugged but never denied it. Sharon, getting impatient, grabbed Alaska’s head and pulled her in for a passionate and heated kiss. Alaska’s arms snaked around Sharon’s neck and forcefully brought them closer till their chests slammed together in a motion on the verge of hurting. Sharon’s hands crept down to Alaska’s ass and she groped it, squeezing tightly at the sensation of Alaska’s tongue slipping into her mouth. Sharon could taste the smoke on Alaska’s tongue as it sloppily grazed along Sharon’s teeth and licked a stripe along the roof of her mouth before diving down to tangle their tongues together in an intertwining mess. The actions continued and repeated themselves for a while, until the two collectively pulled back panting and both in search for air. “I love you Alaska,” Sharon’s breathing was still a little unsteady, and her usually haunting tone was trembling as though she were a teenager all over again.  

“I love you too, Noodles.” Sharon bent herself down to be around level with Alaska's stomach, her arms holding securely around the tiny waist of the the tall girl, lifting her up and swinging her body over her shoulder. Alaska is pulled into a fit of girlish giggles as her head dangles about only able to see Sharon’s back, excitedly kicking her legs about while Sharon begins to retrace her steps from earlier and return back to their apartment. “Cerrone’s gonna be ecstatic to have his other mom back.” They both chuckle like little kids and Sharon feels at home again. Truthfully, she couldn’t recall the exact reason for their breakup in the first place, it was likely a petty drunken fight that only resulted in a breakup because neither wanted to apologise first. Within the time frame of almost three years, it hadn’t been the first time a messy breakup had occurred.

“Hey, you know, this kinda felt like the other night when I was carrying that corpse back to my place.”

“That’s so you, Sharon Needles.”

*

Sharon awoke to the blaring sound of her phone’s alarm. She reached her arm over to her bedside table to shut it off, and when she settled back into bed she sprawled her legs out, expectant to feel the warmth of her lover. Instead, her comfort dissolved at the sensation of; nothing. She was still alone, the exact same as every other night before. It had been pure fantasy. She clutched onto her sheets and shoved her face into the stack of pillows all piled on her side of the bed, crying angrily at herself. Moments had been bad, but this was evil.

[somepinkthing]

thirty four is a rough age when you’re a shitty sect leader

A/N: Basically a collection of post-canon NHS centric fics. My OC's pop up on occasion too! But the story can be read without worrying too much about them. Qinhe Nie is just free real estate given we do not know the name of a single disciple or servant so I needed to create some. This is part 1!

[LIST AND DESCRIPTION OF OC's FOR THOSE INTERESTED]

---

Huaisang found himself at a loss these days. He never really thought that the death of Jin Guangyao would fill the hole in his heart that his brother left, but he at least thought it would make his life a little easier. Foolishly, he’d believed that once his world stopped being constantly tinged red with rage that his life would become clearer. Like maybe life would seem a little clearer to him instead of this hazy fig. As if this one event would make his life less like a pathway crumbling rapidly behind him at a pace that left him scrambling forward. One month and a hundred hours of paperwork later and Huaisang suddenly was hit with a horrible realization.

“Oh shit. I actually have to start being a sect leader on my own now.”

---

“I’m surprised you’re actually willing to talk to me.”

Wei Wuxian smirked, downed another drink, and leaned beck with a sigh.

“Is there any reason I shouldn’t be willing to talk to you, Huaisang-xiong? Have you done something wrong?”

Nie Huaisang smiled that perpetually gentle looking smile of his and matched his drinking companion by downing his own cup like he was drinking water. An absurdly high alcohol tolerance was one of the perks that came with being a Nie and while Huaisang had fallen into the short end of the gene pool in all other areas, he somehow managed to inherit this particular trait. 

“Don’t be like this, Wei-xiong. Is there any need for these games anymore?” he asked before pouring himself another drink and gulping it down just as fast as he had the last five.

Wei Wuxian copied the action. “No, probably not. I just figured you wouldn’t want it getting out is all.”

“Whether it gets out or not is out of my hands now, isn’t it? I just have to believe I’ve covered my tracks well enough. That’s all I can do at this point,” Huaisang said in a wry tone.

“That’s true.”

“Besides,” he continued, “As far as convincing you or the others at the temple anymore... well, there’s really very little chance of that, isn’t there? I can learn from the mistakes of my enemies, Wei-xiong. Some things you just have to let go. I’m afraid that no matter what I say, it won’t make any of you think any better or worse of me. That’s the way it is with these things, isn’t it?”

It occurred to Huaisang that perhaps he’d had a bit more than the six cups he’d thought he had and that maybe, just maybe, he was a little too tipsy to be entrusted with his own secrets. Still, nothing he’d said was untrue nor was any of it damning. It was just... what it was at this point. 

Wei Wuxian hummed in agreement. 

“So how’s the sect leader life?”

Huaisang raised one perfectly curated eyebrow. “Same as it has been for thirteen years?”

Wei Wuxian rolled his eyes.

“Now who’s playing games?”

Huaisang really didn’t want to get into this. He’d taken Wei Wuxian up on his invite more out of curiosity that anything else. The last thing he wanted was to admit to the man how much he truly sucked at running a sect.

Because he did. He sucked. Reason number one of many with the plan of “Just Kill Jin Guangyao And Go Back To Normal” was that, well, his normal sucked. Huaisang truly was awful at being a sect leader! He didn’t have the presence or brute force his brother had. He had taken classes in diplomacy but only went as far as had been expected out of the sickly second young master and the son of a courtesan to boot. When he’d first approached his brother’s sworn brothers for help, it had been out of sincerity. He’d had no idea about the truth that early on! He hadn’t been trying to get Jin Guangyao to underestimate him back then! He really was just bad at leading a sect! And, as it turned out, spending over a decade playing at incompetence didn’t make him any more competent at running a whole providence. 

Apparently leading a sect involved more than playing deadly mind games, late night detective work, and honing your ability at espionage.

Apparently being perceptive and cunning and secretly good at managerial roles couldn’t totally make up for a lack of experience and leadership ability.

Apparently leaving most of his sect’s important affairs to Gusu Lan and Lanling Jin for the past decade in the attempt to gain their trust actually had consequences.

Apparently secretly plotting the death of your arch nemesis didn’t magically make you a respectable sect leader. Apparently it couldn’t make your presence more commanding, it couldn’t make your weak little arms and stronger, and it couldn’t make suddenly having no support any less daunting. Apparently relying on a man you intended to see dead was a bad long term plan for the continued success of your sect.

Go figure.

But like hell he was going to admit that to Wei Wuxian in the middle of a seedy bar in Caiyi. 

“Why am I here, Wei-xiong?” he asked instead. An obvious change of topics but hopefully Wei Wuxuan had learned how to take a hint in the long years since they'd been children.

Wei Wuxian smiled that same blinding smile that had seemed so strong and comforting to Huaisang a lifetime ago. 

“To drink, of course!” 

Huaisang mildly wondered how Wei Wuxian managed to make inhabiting someone else’s body seem so seamless. Mo Xuanyu had been his own person with a his own lifestyle and his body reflected that. 

Mo Xuanyu had been his own person....

And now he wasn’t. 

Was that Huaisang’s fault? He certainly hadn’t tied the boy’s hands and forced him to do what he did. He hadn’t created the situation the boy was in. In fact, the information he’d provided Mo Xuanyu had been blatantly upfront about what he could expect to happen. Mo Xuanyu chose his fate knowing what it could cost. He'd wanted revenge with the same fervor Huaisang had. All Huaisang had done was suggest a possible option. That was fine, right?

As if. Huaisang was weak and cowardly and afraid to face his problems upfront, but he was also raised a Nie. He knew better than to try and deflect blame. He had made his choice, there was no point in sugarcoating the facts now. True, Mo Xuanyu had chosen his fate but Huaisang was the one who benefitted. He did not kill him nor had he either forced or coerced the boy's hand but he had knows what would happen when he'd approached the boy. He'd known that the decision would be, had seen the same hatred he saw every morning in the mirror burning in Mo Xuanyu's eyes. It's not as if murder and blackmail were the only crimes a person could commit (they were just the most heinous, right DaGe?).

“Huaisang-xiong~” a lilting voice called out to him, breaking through the shroud of guilt that he feared may have been all too visible for someone as sharp as Wei Wuxian.

“Huaisang-xiong, you’re really spacing out a lot today. Rough month? Can I offer you a drink in these trying times?”

Huaisang couldn’t help but laugh a little. With everything else in between them, he’d almost forgotten how easy it was to like Wei Wuxian. 

“Don’t be like this, Wei-xiong. Don’t tease me about my suffering! As if a glass of wine could possibly solve all my problems,” Huaisang lamented dramatically, “Do you have any idea how much paperwork goes into being a sect leader? It’s one thing to see a stack but to fill it out? I haven’t slept in weeks! Weeks!”

“Ah yeah, I know what you mean. Lately Lan Zhan’s taken to sleeping at his desk filling out all that garbage.”

...since Zewu-jun is no longer in any condition to.

It probably wasn’t what Wei Wuxian had meant with that comment but it was certainly what Huaisang heard. 

“Well I understand his pain,” Huaisang commiserated, swallowing down his bitter feelings surrounding the first jade with a swig of sweet wine, “Sometimes a desk is better than nothing.”

“But he doesn’t have nothing!” Wei Wuxian whined, taking another huge gulp, “He has a husband! A lonely, lonely husband who’s rotting away waiting for him in the jingshi!”

Upon finishing, he dramatically threw his head down into his arms and groaned at the counter. Instinctively, Huaisang brought his hand up to pat Wei Wuxian on the back.

Suddenly Huaisang had an inkling of why he was here.

“Wei-xiong, were you feeling lonely? So you invited me out?”

It was a notion so preposterously simple that it seemed almost unbelievable. And yet...

“Well, of course!” Wei Wuxian replied, “Why else would I have flagged you down on your visit? Do I seem like someone who just goes out drinking with everyone I see? I’ll tell you what, maybe that’s what I was like in my youth but I’m a married man now! I can’t just do things like wander off with anyone who catches my fancy anymore. I have my husband’s reputation to think of...”

His voice trailed at the end. Wei Wuxian was always the kind to be openly joyful but was as tight lipped as Lan Wangji when it came to his pain. But a childhood of living with his brother and a decade of learning Jin Guangyao’s tells had made Huaisang a little bit of an expert at reading in between the lines. Wei Wuxian was laughably expressive in comparison to that fox if one just learned where to look.

“I can’t imagine trying to marry into the Lan family,. How many rules is it now? 3000?”

“Over 4000,” Wei Wuxian moaned miserably, “Can you believe that? Are there even that many things to restrict?”

If there were, Huaisang couldn’t think of them. Then again, with rules like “no excessive sadness” he supposed it was easy enough to come up with 4000.

“If I’ve heard correctly, one of them is that no one is to speak to you?” Huaisang couldn’t help but to dig deeper, it was practically second nature at this point. And besides, he really just wanted to know how that worked. For all that he knew Lan Qiren to a proud and slightly ridiculous man, he was a bit flabbergasted when he heard of the most recent rule the Lan’s had chiseled onto that mountain.

“Hm, your information is as sharp as always, Huaisang. They barely put that up a week ago. How’d you hear of it so fast? Someone leak it to you?” Wei Wuxian was the kind of person that couldn’t help but dig either it seemed.

“Nothing like that!” Huaisang replied honestly, “I’m simply in correspondence with the disciples we send to the Cloud Recesses. Some of them I’ve known since they were children. They mention night hunting with you quite often so I was curious as to how that worked.”

Wei Wuxian laughed lightly. “It doesn’t really. The kids there are all really good kids and most of them are more used to answering to Zewu-jun or Lan Zhan more than they are to Lan-laoshi at this point. But they’ve been avoiding me a bit out of fear of punishment ever since the rule officially went onto the wall. Lan Zhan assures me that it’ll die down within a week and that he’ll see it removed from the wall soon.”

Wei Wuxian smiled fondly before catching himself and coughing while hiding his blush. 

Interesting how admitting to want to bed a man didn’t embarrass him but admitting that he thought fondly of his husband was enough to send Wei Wuxian reaching for the wine.

“I didn’t even know that was possible,” Wei Wuxian continued after downing another glass, “I mean the rules are literally chiseled into the wall. But Lan Zhan said he’d do it so...”

Huaisang also doubted it was possible but he also remembered how easily Bichen had sliced through the thick stone walls of his ancestral tomb. He doubted the mountain face would fare any better against Lan Wangji’s fierce protectiveness.

“Still,” Huaisang said, “even with that new rule in effect, surely you didn’t need to hunt me down in order to have a drink? Wouldn’t someone else have been closer?”

And less dangerous? More trustworthy? A better candidate in general?

Wei Wuxian snorted.

“Huaisang-xiong, you may be overestimating me. Even I cannot afford to single out juniors to take out to drink. And Lan Zhan is great but he’s my husband! Some time apart is supposed to be... beneficial. And-and...”

Wei Wuxian shrugged, no longer interested in finishing his sentence it seemed. But Huaisang heard him loud and clear:

“And other than that, who else could I ask? Who else would be willing to even receive an invite from the Yiling Patriarch?”

Newly cleared as his name was, many cultivators still held onto their hate. Not an entirely unexpected reaction given all the damage and death dealt by one man alone but it would make it hard for Wei Wuxian to find willing friends his own age.

Huaisang wasn’t a fan of bloodshed or the rules of war, but he had been raised a Nie. Contrary to popular belief, he had some understanding of honor and duty (though he was well aware his actions hardly reflected that). That “conference” had been a war council. And even before that, the ambush at Qiongqi Pass had been as good as a declaration itself. You didn't attack a man during peacetime without the intention of starting something. So, for all the blood that was shed, Huaisang himself held no ill will towards Wei Wuxian. If you pick a fight then, win or lose, you better be ready to finish it--that was something his father had drilled into both his sons before passing. Huaisang had always taken that lesson to heart, it was why he didn’t pick any fights!

"Well. If that's all then let's go somewhere with nicer wine. I don't know how much more of this I can choke down. If we plan on drinking the night away let's go find wine that's drinkable."

"You don't seem to be having much of a problem."

"I just have an excellent poker face."

---

Somehow, they both woke up in The Unclean Realms in Huaisang's rooms.

"How did we get here?" Wei Wuxian asked, groggy and holding his throbbing head.

"Maybe we flew?" Huaisang answered thinly, still hiding his head under covers.

"Impossible. I can't fly and you can't carry me."

"Well," a rumbling, amused voice jutted into their conversation, "I can both fly and carry two drunkards. What do I win?"

"Fan HuaLan," Nie Huaisang sighed, "get lost...."

"Now is that any way to speak to your savior?" she asked.

"Is that any way to speak to your sect leader?" Huaisang shot back.

HuaLan barked out a loud, utterly grating laugh. "It is when you're the sect leader."

Huaisang groaned at the volume. HuaLan was a mysterious woman and, by nature, didn't say much... except with him. He took a second to mourn the days where she would salute him like a proper subordinate and didn't speak out of turn.

"You're fired and I'll have you stoned to death for this disrespect," Huaisang muttered into his pillow.

"Try it, trick-ass-bitch."

There was a noise outside.

"Huaisang?" ZiShen called in, voice slightly muted but still loud as hell drifting through the closed door, "Huaisang are you awake?!"

Suddenly the doors burst open and a veritable giant of a man bolted in, jumping right on Huaisang's bed illiciting a pained yelp from his sect leader.

"You should have seen yourself!" ZiShen said with a smile, "I don't think I've seen you that out of it in years! You threw up on JuDuo-daren! It was hilarious!"

Zhang ZiShen. As loud as the day Huaisang met him all those decades ago, when a better man ran the sect.

"Nie Huaisang, shut that guy up..." Wei Wuxian moaned.

"If I could, I would. Just ride it out."

"Hey everyone!" ZiShen called out the still open door.

Huaisang paled. "Zhang ZiShen, don't you dare! Shut your mouth!"

"THE SECT LEADER'S AWAKE!"

Huaisang never regretted The Unclean Realm's long, echoing hallways more than he did now. Not even when his brother used to roar down them about saber training or whatever else it was that Huaisang had recently skipped out on doing .... Huaisang took it as a small victory that the memory of his brother's booming voice brought more fondness than it did pain. He really was hungover.

A crescendo of loud, mostly annoyed voices started heading towards them almost immediately. Huaisang got up reluctantly. No point in going back to bed now. Might as well get on with his day.

"By the way," HuaLan stage whispered to him as soon as he found his footing, "who's your friend?"

"Wei Wuxian. The Yiling Patriarch. Better watch out."

HuaLan raised an eyebrow at Huaisang. A silent question. Huaisang shook his head. He was safe. Even Wei Wuxian wouldn't be bold enough to try anything within the halls of this fortress.

"Huh," HuaLan carried on with a smirk, turning to appraise their guest, "I thought he'd be taller."

Huaisang watched Wei Wuxian's groggy facial features immediately twist into afront.

"Wha-HEY! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT MY ORIGINAL BODY. I WAS AS TALL AS LAN ZHAN!"

"Wei-xiong. Shut up."

---

"I'll tell Xichen-gege that you're doing well."

"I doubt he'd be interested."

Wei Wuxian smiled an actually genuine smile. The kind that Huaisang used to try and coax out of him in those months they'd had together.

"You don't just stop loving people once they hurt you, we'd all have an easier time if that were the case."

Suddenly, a lot of things made sense. The sudden invite. Wei Wuxian's abnormal friendliness. HuaLan knowing precisely where to find him. Wei Wuxian's silent observation during this morning's commotion despite it being just the type of chaos he usually revelled in.

"And you accuse me of being the sneaky one," Huaisang muttered without any malice. As far as sneaks getting into his home, this one he didn't mind so much.

Wei Wuxian only laughed.

"Tell Sect Leader Lan that I am doing fine. The Nie Sect isn't the type to fail just because of one man's incompetence."

"Let alone the fact that no one around here seems incompetent," Wei Wuxian said.

That caught Huaisang off guard. Was that... a genuine compliment? Aimed at him? Or at his disciples? Or a pointed comment? Unsure of how to take it, all he could do was stay silent and try not to gape.

Wei Wuxian didn't comment on the sudden silence. Instead, he looked off to where JuDuo was yelling at HuaLan who was obviously not listening. ZiShen stood off to the side, trying to listen in without drawing either of their ire. The younger disciples nervously flapped around, trying to get them to stop in vain. Huaisang figured they'd stop soon enough once GuanJia finally dragged himself over to the training field and drew all of JuDuo's ire and energy just with his presence.

"This is nice," Wei Wuxian muttered so softly that Huaisang almost didn't catch it.

It occured to Huaisang that perhaps, like any good lie, Wei Wuxian's ruse had held a bit of truth in it. Truly, who else would be willing to recieve an invite from the Yiling Patriarch? Who other than the Headshaker? And perhaps Huaisang felt for him, just a bit. He too knew the crushing feeling of that the empty, lonely hole left behind by those already passed and the sharp sting of having no one else to turn to.

......

......Huaisang shouldn't. This would be bad for his sect and awful for him. Wei Wuxian would report everything to his husband and there were things Huaisang definitely didn't want confirmed. This was a bad idea.

But then again, when was the last time he'd had a good idea? And when was the last time he'd made a decision without the fear of being found out? Was he to live like this until the end of his days? Was this fear and secrecy all that was left for him now that he'd killed his enemy? Was that to be the climax of his life, everything before building up to that moment and everything after consumed with recovering from it? Had Jin GuangYao stolen this from him as well?

"If it's nice," Huaisang said carefully, unsure, "then feel free to stop by more often."

Now it was Wei Wuxian's turn to be caught speechless. That was fine, Huaisang knew how to wait.

"I-I couldn't possibly intrude on the sanctity of your home, Sect Leader Nie," Wei Wuxian finally choked out with his signature it's-all-fine smile. So easy to see through, so transparent.

"Nonsense. If you hadn't noticed yet, there's no sanctity in this home anymore. Nor is there much worry about intruding. My subordinates are all vile beasts," Huaisang said, trying to keep as much affection out of his tone as possible. It wouldn't do for them to think he approved of nosiness, funny as it was.

"But they seem to like you," Huaisang continued, "and I could do with a drinking partner. All of them are lightweights except for ZiShen. And I value myself too much to drink with him."

Huaisang didn't consider himself an overly sentimental man (not anymore anyways) but the way Wei Wuxian's head snapped up, the way his eyes shone hopefully, made Huaisang feel warm. Like maybe he'd made the right choice for once.

[avelera]

more body positive stuff, but this time with hermann? he’s always been insecure about how scrawny he is and how bony his limbs are but newt just can’t get over how elegant and beautiful his boyfriend is!!!

Hey there, Anon! I combined your prompt with a second one which I’ll list below the cut. This got kinda long (3k words, sigh) but I hope I hit what you’re looking for!

On the Risks (and Benefits) of Pillow Talk 

Also available on Ao3

Ship: Newt/Hermann

Words: ~3,000

Timeline: Soon after their Drift - I wanted to write the smut scene between them first but eh, unfortunately this is very T/PG-13 rated and the smut scene will come another day :)

Prompt 2: Can you talk a bit more about Hermann’s realization that he has a bit of a thing for more ample bodies? Did he slowly notice that his secret crushes had certain things in common? Did it hit him suddenly during a meeting? Was it something that he had to hide since he was a child? Is it something he’s found adult videos of before deleting his browser history? Enquiring minds want to know the whole story 😉

–

They lay there, panting side by side, nude on the bed, and even if it wasn’t the first time, Hermann still found himself staring up at the ceiling as his heart rate slowed, trying to figure out how this has become his life. How it had actually come to this after years of alternating between furious at Newton to furious at himself for not being able to relinquish the lingering desire he felt since they’re only known each other as a signature at the end of a page. 

Most humiliating had been the desire that would throb at the most inopportune times. Moments when they were in one another’s face, screaming themselves hoarse, when it would suddenly come over Hermann how badly he wanted to have Newton screaming for an entirely different reason and he would scoff and sputter and storm off, only hoping that Newt would take his departure as a reaction to his monument stupidity rather than the truth of Hermann’s own shameful lack of self control.

Thanks to the Drift, he could now see that a loss of self-control would have probably been the best thing he could have done at the time. They could have been shagging one another silly for years.

Newt sighed in contentment and rolled over to press up against Hermann, planting what he suspected were deliberately messy kisses against his shoulder. Newt’s hand swept up and down Hermann’s scrawny, concave chest, down to the sharp jut of his hipbone down to his thin legs. At least Newt’s wasn’t touching the mess of surgical scars on his left hip or the mangled bone beneath it. Not that Newton had ever made any gesture, or even a whisper that he was put off by the scars, but Hermann can’t help but feel…

“God, you’re so fucking gorgeous,” Newt muttered against his skin. “What are these fucking dancer legs, man? I feel like I kidnapped the premier danseur of the fucking Paris Ballet.” Newt lifted Hermann’s good leg at the knee and stroked his hand up and down the calf while laving more kisses against his skin.

Hermann scoffed, “Like you’ve ever attended the ballet.”

“Fuck you, I spent my summers stuck on the opera circuit as a kid, you uncultured swine. I know what I’m about,” Newt said. “Which is why I know this is fucking superb.” Newt crawled up to bracket Hermann on all fours, peppering more kisses against his neck and down to his chest while his hand traced up and down his side. “But what I don’t know is what you’re doing with a slob like me. Must be my dazzling personality.”

Hermann’s eyes fluttered open as he frowned. His mouth went dry every time he saw Newton naked, at the rounded muscles of his arms and the swell of his stomach and his hips and his thighs. Hermann could feel himself stirring even so soon after the last round just thinking about Newton’s body. “Don’t be absurd, I think we both know who would win a theoretical beauty contest, much as it pains me to stroke your ego.”

“Fake compliments? Dr. Gottlieb, I’m all aflutter!” Newt said between kisses, muffling half his words with each peck. “Especially that you would up and lie like a lying liar just to make me feel better.”

Newt’s been happier, far more relaxed since they closed the Breach. Hermann imagined a similar mood was sweeping the world right now. As for himself, dispatching an existential threat on the same night as all of one’s sexual tension had admittedly lifted even his mood. Newton was a bottomless well of delight and exuberance in the bedroom, far more enthusiastic than any of Hermann’s past partners. He’d simply assumed it was the Drift, or Newton’s general attitude of respect towards Hermann’s disability and familiarity with his overall…demeanor. After  five years of working closely together, the man was in all likelihood simply not phased by all of Hermann’s failings, not that it had stopped all of their petty sniping. 

Hermann frowned and pushed himself up on his elbows. “Do not call me a liar,” he said querulously.

“But you are though. Except like a handsome one so I’ll put up with it this time,” Newt said and kissed up to Hermann’s lips, now within reach. Hermann continued to frown and did not return it. “Ok, what is it now? Are you seriously mad at me for having even a trace of modesty? I thought we were still in the honeymoon period.”

“You’re not a…a slob, Newton, unless you were referring to your office organization habits,” Hermann said. “You’re obviously more attractive than I, and either you are teasing me on the matter, which I do not appreciate and quite violates the so-called honeymoon period, or you believe that to be true and I will not permit you to project such a wrong-headed belief onto me.”

“Wait. Wait a minute, are we…” Newt paused, “seriously having a fight about who is hotter right now?”

“We’re not fighting, it’s a statement of fact,” Hermann retorts.

“Oh my god. Ok, just so you know, this is officially the dumbest argument we’ve ever had, and we’ve had some doozies. First of all, what are you, twelve? Second, you hit all the bases for conventionally attractive, borderline supermodel, dude, if you’d just dress like it once in a while. Those cheekbones, those hands, your shoulders,” Newt punctuated each statement by kissing the offending body part, “you’ve got the willowy, Victorian consumptive look down pat. I wasn’t kidding when I said you’re built like a dancer. Probably the only reason you’re with me is the hot girl effect. Y’know when you’re so hot everyone’s intimidated so only the gross, loud-mouthed guy is dumb enough to give it a shot. Eh, that and you’ve gone way out of your way to hide all this. Then there’s your personality, I mean, you might as well just put up a stop sign…”

“Stop it,” Hermann snapped.

Newt’s lip twitched, but he did stop and held up his palm in surrender. “Sorry, man, old habits. I gotta remember one of these days that I don’t have to pull your pigtails to get you to notice me anymore. Not when I’ve already got you in bed by some fucking miracle.”

Hermann’s lips worked as he choked past his fury, “Not about me, you imbecile, you think after five years together in that lab I can’t handle a petty jab? I meant stop putting yourself down when it is so blatantly untrue. The Newton Geiszler I know didn’t need to resort to false self-deprecation when the truth is obvious for anyone to see. This is frankly the worst kind of arrogance.”

Hermann shifted onto his side to face away from Newton, to give himself a moment to cool down if Newton didn’t begin to wheedle for forgiveness immediately and curl up against his back while whispering nonsense endearments like, don’t be like that, baby. Not that Hermann would ever admit to enjoying the pestering.

Instead, the bed shifted as Newt bounded from one side of Hermann to the other. He landed hard on his side and stared intently into Hermann’s eyes like he was trying to solve a puzzle. Hermann recoiled, his lips curled down in displeasure and he moved to shift the other way before Newt’s hand curled around his bicep to stop him. “Hold on a second, I’m a little mixed up here. Which part are you mad at me about, the part where I used to lie about how sexy I was in front of you because I was an insecure piece of shit who enjoyed riling you up, or the part where I thought we were over that now so I’ve started telling it like it is?”

“The part where you know very well which of us drew looks around the Shatterdome and it wasn’t me. If it wasn’t for your obnoxious mouth, I have no doubt you would have had suitors lining up outside our lab,” Hermann groused but softened at the confusion on Newt’s face and sighed. “It’s very kind of you to compliment me like that, Newton. Lord knows, I should simply shut up and enjoy it when you make an effort like that, but I think we both know what we have is more… cerebral. There are few minds that can keep up with yours, or with your nonsense, and that allows you to overlook the fact I’m certainly no catch. As you so generously pointed out, my personality forbids others from getting close, my leg means most either try to ignore me for their own comfort or treat me as if I were made of glass, and even besides that I look as skeletal and undernourished as I have since I was a youth. I simply can’t keep the weight on, let alone muscle. Even without my leg I never would have advanced in the Jaeger Academy for that alone.”

“Wow, that’s…” Newton squinted at Hermann, then did the little head tilt Hermann was familiar with when Newt had decided to try a different avenue of experimentation. “Ok, so what do you think of me? Like, my body? You’ve never really brought it up before and actually I’m realizing that’s kinda weird because you’ve brought up literally every other flaw I have under the sun before today.”

Hermann blushed and couldn’t prevent it. It was easier to look away and he trailed his finger tips down the sheet as he eyed Newton’s tattoos, which he would rather be touching. But no, they were supposed to be having a tiff. “Oh, very well, I’ll play along. It’s not as if it’s a secret that I find you attractive, our activities here should be testament to that, nor that I have for many years. I had to wank off twice before I was in a fit state to leave my room the day I received your polaroid, though I’m sure you saw all that in the Drift.”

Newt made a strangled noise and Hermann glanced up to find him wide-eyed. “No?”

“Nope!” Newt squeaked. His cheeks were pink to match Hermann’s own and that was a boost of confidence enough to keep him going with a secret smile to himself. Fine, he hadn’t given away all his darkest secrets in the Drift, but it was damned inconvenient to have to put words to what should have been the obvious and heretofore very inappropriate fact of his attraction to his lab partner.

“What else is there to say?” Hermann said and shifted in discomfort. “You might as well have been constructed in a lab to vex me personally. Your eyes, your hair, the way you bite your lip on those rare occasions when you stop yourself from speaking, your… your body, it’s…” he coughed, “very attractive.”

“Well, you’d be the fucking first to think so,” Newt muttered under his breath. “Ok, so we’re gonna have to revisit the jerking off to my picture thing, but I gotta ask, in the spirit of scientific inquiry: what the fuck? Why? Assuming you’re not just messing with me, I’d like to hear more about this very attractive thing. Not just for the ego stroke. I’ll take the ego stroke, I’ll take any kind of stroke you wanna give me in about fifteen more minutes, heh, but I gotta admit, dude, this is a little… new for me?”

Any other time, Hermann might have scoffed and rolled his eyes at Newton’s blatant fishing for praise. But there was a hesitance to his words, a puppy-like inquisitiveness in the way he looked up at Hermann’s face. There was no hint of the usual bravado.

Hermann exhaled and allowed his hand to drift over the curve of Newton’s soft stomach, tracing it so he felt the goosebumps pebble on Newton’s skin, obscured by the colorful tattoos. It was soothing to touch and helped calm his nerves enough to speak frankly. “You must understand, this has been a—a closely guarded part of me, I daresay a secret, for so long I’m not even sure I have the words for it. I find your body desirable. My own… has betrayed me again and again. Even before my leg, my father used me as an example to torment my siblings. I’ve always been bony like this, but he saw skinniness as a virtue, as if it were in any way intentional. I know you’re an only child so you perhaps don’t understand the experience of being pitted in competition with your siblings against your will, but I had very few friends. They were all I had and yet everything about me, my intellect, my accomplishments, and as I said my body were used to put distance between us in order to serve as some sort of motivation for their perceived success. But there’s nothing special  in what I am. Even without my leg I’ve never found my appearance terribly attractive. But yours…” 

Hermann shrugged. “You’re beautiful. Unselfconscious, healthy… there, you see? There’s barely a vocabulary in our language that doesn’t sound like backhanded compliments. I find you desirable. I find your arms and your stomach and your legs all the more so for your weight, the way others have been socialized to admire musculature that can only be achieved by a degree of exercise so obsessive it borders on self-harm, or the leanness that comes with self-starvation. I’ve always thought it was as natural as any other attraction, only to be mocked for my tastes whenever I dared express them, or be told that I was acting on a lack of options when nothing could not be further from the truth. When I saw your photo, I was taken aback by how instantaneous the attraction was. I already knew your mind, your personality, and then I discovered you were also handsome and sexually attractive to me as well. It was a deadly combination. By the time I saw you in person, I was so convinced you couldn’t desire me in return, the way I wanted so terribly, that I assumed your flirtations couldn’t be anything but mockery. You of course know the rest.”

“Yeah…” Newt trailed off at the memory of that disastrous first meeting, then grinned. “So, you dig the chub?”

Hermann huffed a sigh and rolled his eyes. “If you must put it in such terms, yes.”

“So is it like a feeding thing or a bursting out of clothes thing…? Don’t look at me like that, man, I’ve been on the internet.”

Hermann hadn’t thought he could blush any harder but he was proven wrong. “No! Not… not necessarily. I know what you mean, I… I won’t say I’m not aware of that subculture, or haven’t found some of their erotica titillating, would you stop snickering?”

“I’m sorry!” Newt gasped. “I should have asked you about porn before, oh my god, if you could see your face right now!”

“I’m trying to answer your question on what is a very difficult subject for me, Newton. Would you do me the courtesy of not mocking me for doing so the way everyone else has?”

Newton’s teeth clicked shut and his eyes widened. He then nodded for Hermann to go on.

Yet Hermann found himself at a loss. “Well, but as I said, it’s merely erotica. Fantasy. I would never encourage a partner to engage in dangerous behavior for my gratification, nor would I want to humiliate them the way much of that art does. I find the very idea abhorrent. But I can’t change what I find attractive and I confess, Newton, it never occurred to me that you were declaring anything but simple truth when you called yourself a stud or a rockstar just to infuriate me.” He offered a weak smile at the last and though he knew Newton, as intimately as it was possible to know another person, a part of him still clenched in anticipation of the inevitable rejection and mockery for baring himself so.

Newt hummed thoughtfully. “I guess that makes me a lucky sonofabitch then, huh?”

Hermann blinked. “That’s it? You don’t mind?”

“Yeah, I totally mind that your particular bone means I’m a sex god to you, it’s a real tragedy. I dunno, it may take some getting used to, the idea I mean, but it’s kinda like hitting the jackpot would take getting used to. You’re not going to turn around and tell me to drop the junk food or start training with the Jaeger pilots one of these days like some of my other, uh, past experiences that didn’t end so great.”

“I might if I feared for your health,” Hermann shrugged. “But for pure aesthetics? No.” He forced himself not to fidget. He still felt utterly exposed to be speaking this frankly.

“Score. ‘Cause I’ve tried, man, none of this is gonna change even if I put myself through hell. I’m just built like this. Which I guess isn’t a problem for you,” Newt added thoughtfully. “Ok, so now that you’ve got that out, will you maybe consider that I also think you’re hot as fuck too?”

“It’s a relationship, Newton, compliments don’t need to be transactional,” Hermann scoffed.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you sometimes. I’m not lying, Hermann! You’re hot! I’m into you, maybe it’s the other side of the whole thing you’ve got in your head, but you’re tall and elegant and… fucking lithe, like I need 19th century poetry to describe you. You’ve got the weirdest mouth I’ve ever seen and I’m so hot for it, like I felt funny just looking at you frowning up at your chalkboard some days. When you smile, your whole face transforms, and I could drown in your eyes if you’re not wearing those stupid granny glasses, and… mmmph!”

Hermann pulled away from kissing Newt to frown at him. “I think we’ve had quite enough of that.”

“You’re blushing! You really can’t handle compliments, huh?”

“Perhaps I’d rather save them up, instead of exhausting you on them all at once,” Hermann said and raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, don’t worry, babe, I’m nowhere near exhausted.” Newt grinned.

[riverthemessiah]

long ass post.

it finally happened. 

i had envisioned this moment many times in my head before but if i’m being completely honest, a tiny, tiny part of me doubted it would ever happen. the much larger part of me, i guess, knew it would. 

i was at state and lake transferring from the red line to the green line and was halfway up the steps to the platform when it happened. this truck, my memory is telling me it was white but i’m not completely sure that’s a fact; all the cars are registering as white at the moment, had whipped around the rest of the cars traveling east on lake but stopped at the light at state, and parked itself so that the rest of the traffic was perpendicular to him. like the police do. for a millisecond or so there was a brief feeling of fear inside me. like what i feel when the police pull up doing shit like that; i know that when police do shit like that, someone might get murdered. but lo and behold, it was just some angry white man hopping out of his car to yell at some other driver. if it were another white person he was yelling at, or anybody other than a Black Woman, in all likelihood i would’ve kept up the steps and continued to mind my business, as i often prefer to do. but it was a Black Woman. 

people standing around watching were shocked. i would’ve been too had i not known these two truths i know: one, white people either have no understanding of the concept of personal space or they feel entitled to however much space they want to take up (hence this dude stopping traffic for a personal gripe) and two, as powerful as Black Women are, nobody in this society is afraid of them and nobody respects them, which puts them in immense danger all the time. for a second i stood frozen, watching, like everyone else, from halfway up the steps as this white man marched towards the Black Woman in the white sedan. (i’m a bit more positive her car was actually white). he was screaming about her having thrown something at his car. from what i knew at the moment and from what i would experience in the coming moments, he probably deserved it. 

i saw another, older, Black man ride up on a bike at some point during this exchange tho whether he did this before or after the white man got back in his car is unclear to me. i stood waiting for a sign that someone had best intervene; that i should if no one else does. when the white man called her a “fat bitch” and tried to open the Black Woman’s door, that was it. by the time i got to where the action was, mostly being carried by my own fantasies about what i’d do if ever put in this situation, he was back in his car. the older Black man was speaking calmly and fearfully to him thru the passenger window of the white man’s car, definitely stained with coffee or some other beverage that had been thrown at him. i hate that. i hate that older Black men tend to speak so gently and fearfully to white men. so cowardly. i mean, i get it; older Black people were raised by Black people who were alive when Emmett Till was killed, who were raised by Black people to whom white people were legally allowed to do and say much worse things than “slavery is over, get over it”, who were raised by Black people to whom that statement would’ve been blatantly untrue if stated. i get it. but this ain’t that, tho. similar, but it definitely ain’t that. 

i walked up to the car. the white man hadn’t pulled off fast enough and the older Black man wasn’t saying what i felt he should’ve been so i spoke. when i spoke i told him “gon get the fuck up outta here, bro.” the white man responded with “go fuck yourself.” he didn’t say it in an angry or threatening way, not the way he’d been speaking to the Black Woman, not at all. he said it in a way that said “i’m too heated to check my words before i say them but this is between me and the fat nigger bitch, not you”. 

i aim to lead and to end things both in positive, progressive energy. but while in between those points, if mogs wanna get on some goofy shit, i’m definitely with reciprocating all that energy. maybe i should work on that, but i don’t because maybe that’s safer than trying to be Martin Luther King or Jesus in this world. without thinking, the first words out of my mouth was merely a weak ass return of what he’d stated. then, once again being carried by my fantasies about how i’d imagine a situation like this playing out, i told him “don’t talk to no Black Woman like that”. he responded with an “are you fucking kidding me?”, although his eyes were now directed at his gear shift and (probably deliberately) not at me. i wasn’t sure if he was shocked that someone had stood up for a Black Woman or that a man had sided against him in a dispute with a woman, but i’m sure he was afraid. still heated, but now as afraid as he was bold when hopping out the car to scream at the Black Woman. 

still feeding of the angry energy that he’d placed into the situation, and now being led by that energy, i stated again “gon get the fuck up outta here, bro. fuck is you talking about?” somewhere in between a calm voice and the yelling i’m capable of when i get as angry as he was at the Black Woman. i wasn’t there but i was getting there, and i know now that if he wanted to take it there, i would’ve met him there without thinking once about it. but he didn’t. once my voice raised, he put his car in gear and drove off. i’m not sure which direction he drove in, and, selfishly now that i think about it, i hadn’t even checked on the Black Woman he had verbally attacked before i walked off. i guess in my fantasies i hadn’t thought about checking on the well-being of the victim, only about being the savior. something new to think about. 

as i walked back up to the green line, continuing my journey, there was a white woman standing where i had walked down from, staring at me. i walked past her in the moment, still processing what had happened. when i got to the top of the platform, i felt, and i guess was a bit overwhelmed, by all the feelings that had been suppressed in the moment. my legs were shaking with anxiety. my heart was pumping with adrenaline. somewhere in between that a smile tried to etch its way onto my face. i was pleased by my own power. i don’t know how i feel about that. especially since i didn’t even realize i hadn’t asked the Black Woman if she was alright until i started typing this when i got home. i didn’t realize it wasn’t about her and her safety as much as it was about me and my ability to un-empower a white man. a single white man. about the pleasure i get knowing that i am feared. not just feared, but feared by a man who operates on exerting his so-believed power over women. that’s the largest part of my definition of manhood: exerting power over men who think there’s power in subjugating women. i couldn’t hide my own pleasure in my own proving of my own beliefs to my own self. i was a better, stronger, more capable man than him. and, to a lesser and unintentional extent, also the older Black man who did not defend the Black Woman but spoke to the white man in what i perceived to be fear. i was a better man than both of them. and proving it to myself pleased me. 

when the white woman who stood where i stood as i ascended the steps again met me on the platform, i was still processing. still too overcome with what i was feeling to want to engage her. my birth chart suggests that i carry a lot of nervous energy, and i think that’s true judging from how awkward exchanges with me can be when i don’t know you or don’t trust you. maybe i was overcome with nervousness afterwards because i don’t yet know this version of myself. this version who introduces himself as a name other than the one my dad gave me (that i admittedly have never liked; never felt like it belonged to me). this version who stands up for Black Women on the street. this version who brings his fantasies to life when the moment arises. who believes in alpha-male-ism and strives to prove himself as just that, but only if it protects [Black W]omen from men who think men become alphas by ruling over women. 

looking back, my ego says that the white woman was turned on by this. she glanced at me before she got off the green line at california. she had her phone out when she engaged me on the platform, saying something about calling the police for a moment that had already been placed under control. placed under control by me. (i just chuckled to myself as i typed that) again, i was too deep into myself to catch the vibes, if those were in fact what she was throwing, so i walked off to process some more. plus, that was NOT the time or opportunity for a white woman to shoot her shot. 

so yeah, maybe i don’t yet know this new me who’s ascending out of the ashes of the me people used to know. the me i used to be. or maybe i do know this me and the old me is shaking because he’s the type of boy who should be afraid of this me. this me who doesn’t shy away from his own power and isn’t interested in trading it for the purpose of being liked. this is new, and i won’t set myself up for disappointment by thinking i already know what to expect of this newness. but what i do know is,

i fuck with it. it’s not to be fucked with and doesn’t care to be liked. and i like that.