#just the general concept of hey eating a lot of meat is bad for the environment and one of the few things we as individuals can control

[transgenderbread]

saying this as someone who does in fact have a weird emotional attachment to meat. why do so many people have a weird emotional attachment to meat that being told to not eat it causes you to get Weird and Angry about it

[darkscaleswriter]

⭐️ pls tell me more about your fic pls it’s wonderful 🥹❤️

:D the fic in question

ahhh im so glad you like it!! thank you for giving me the opportunity to ramble about this fic haha. i have SO many emotions about casey jones jr and the future timeline turtles, im never getting over the tragedy of that movie opening. future mikey's wink as he tears open space and time. future leo's "it's not about me" and the way he physically throws casey through the portal. like!!! hello!!!

imo part of what makes the future timeline so tragic is that so much of the show before this point (especially s2) focused on the hamato motto of "anata wa hitori ja nai," even before the turtles actually learned about the hamato clan. none of them have ever been alone, and as part of the hamato clan, legacies of generations upon generations of mystic warriors, they never will be. except then the bad future timeline shows up, and. they're gone. the family is fractured, the turtles are dead, and the last survivor, casey jr, is sent back alone.

so, that's kind of a long way to say that the conception of "write our names in the wet concrete" came from me taking this tragedy and shoving anata wa hitori ja nai in its face. lol.

in the fic, the moment future mikey decides that hes not going to let future leo die is the moment of canon divergence from the movie. the reason he actually manages it is bc in that moment, mikey and all of the hamato spirits look at the last surviving members of their family and say, no. we refuse. the war might be lost, but we will ensure that no member of our clan will be left alone.

it's not just mikey at the end, here, throwing leo back along with casey. it's him and donnie and raph and april and splinter and karai and even oroku saki, every single hamato all at once, facing down the end of the world and choosing to save the last of their family whether they like it or not.

sorry future leo, you dont get a choice! but hey, at least casey isn't stuck in the past and cut off from everything he's ever known by himself, right? :3

the reason i set the fic as pre-show instead of at the movie is bc i really wanted to focus on casey jr's relationship with future leo, and what that might look like when they're forced to actually, like. live semi-regular lives instead of being tossed directly into a high-stakes mission. the looming specter of the krang invasion is a constant stressor, but they also have more immediate things to worry about for a change. like money! big rip to future leo, forgetting that was a thing.

and casey junior learning to live in a non-apocalyptic society is always fun haha. he's a semi-feral apocalypse child who's used to eating rats and leaves! writing his pov is an entertaining challenge, bc he only knows things about pre-apocalyptic society via snippets hes heard from older ppl/family stories, and he approaches the world through a very different lens as a result. he is definitely going to hunt an alley rat at some point and be like :D look theres so much meat on this!! and non-apocalypse survivors around him are like uhhh kiddo wtf. are you... are you seriously going to eat that.

casey, already roasting it over a fire: yes?? why would i not??

anyway, im going to cut myself off before i ramble about this fic forever and spoil future chapters (currently writing chapter 5 :D), but thank you so much for reading it!! im having a lot of fun with this au and i'm glad you are too ^.^

(feel free ask me anything about my fics!)

[beauty-and-passion]

WAY TOO ADULT: Cooking is serious business

This second episode doesn’t have a lot to offer, in terms of deep meanings or character development: it’s short, it’s simple and Morality’s personality wasn’t developed yet at the time.

So, instead of an analysis, I will just introduce you to a bunch of concepts to keep in mind, the more we progress throughout the series.

_______________________________

The fear of growing up

This is the first episode in which Thomas introduces a theme that will accompany us for a veeery long time and that is still accompanying us now: growing up and becoming an adult.

And this is the second episode, so we can consider this the first, official theme the series introduces to us: a powerful choice, considering how important this theme is in general and for Thomas in particular.

For now, Thomas doesn’t go too deep into it. All he does is showing up how much he fears growing up (to the point of using a specific sound in order to avoid the word “adult”) and being very frustrated for his inability to do “adult stuff”:

[Thomas]: UGH!! THIS IS SO BAD. I am literally failing at the process of becoming an adult.

At the end Thomas cannot escape his fears, but thanks to his Morality, he finds a way around them: 

[Thomas]: I hope you all learn new ways of becoming independent. And becoming an adult shouldn’t mean losing the sense of who you are. [Morality]: Course not! You can still be a kid at heart, just learn about the world around you, as well as skills that will help you and others. [Thomas]: And learning how to be an adult is not a race! So, no pressure in figuring it all out.

He’s still bad at his stuff, but he can learn in baby steps. And even if he learns something new, that doesn’t mean he will stop being the person he is.

And this is kinda interesting, because it implies Thomas fears to learn new stuff, because he fears to become someone different. He fears to change.

This rings a bell, doesn’t it? Anxiety has not been fully introduced yet, but we can already see the effects he has on Thomas’ mentality.

_______________________________

Hi, Remus

[Morality]: And when dealing with other people, you know when to stand up for what’s right and when to turn the other cheek. [Thomas]: I show them my butt! [Morality]: Not what I meant. And you should probably stop showing people your... Well... one problem at a time. The point is... You didn’t always know to do those things, and they came about because you took the time to learn.

Our favorite gremlin wasn’t even in Joan imagination when this episode came out, but we can see him shining through. Hey, Thomas, still wondering why Remus is so obsessed with butts? Just give a look at yourself XD

_______________________________

Cooking Matters, aka Unrequested Tips For People Who Don’t Know How To Cook

As every Italian, I perfectly know that Cooking Is A Serious Business and cooking good food is essential for being A Decent Human Being and not an heretic monster to burn at the stake.

Hence why I want to help Thomas, by giving him a couple of absolutely, unrequested tips for People Who Have No Idea How To Start Cooking.

* In order to cook a huge variety of dishes, you need at least these four basic ingredients: onion, garlic, salt and oil (or butter). Onion and garlic can be used together for soups and sauces, while garlic only is for meat and fish. If you like their taste, you can also chop both garlic and onion and put them in salads: they are very good for your health and have a ton of benefits, so eating them raw is a good choice. Just check your breath after :P

* I know there’s this weird thing in the US that healthy food is more expensive than junk food, but please try to buy as many fruits, vegetables and legumes as possible. Farmers markets should be cheaper or, in case, frozen variants of these products: they won't be the same as the fresh ones, but at least they won't be as unhealthy as junk food.

Try to pick:

big sized vegetables, because they will last longer (potatoes, pumpkins, eggplants, broccoli)

versatile vegetables you can use in more forms and more dishes (potatoes are a must)

cheaper versions like frozen or canned variants, but ALWAYS keep an eye on price per kilo, quality and especially quantity. The best deal is “a lot of good products for the cheapest price” and this isn't always possible. So try to find the perfect balance between price and quantity - while keeping quality as the main focus.

stuff in season is always cheaper. And fruits/vegetables typical of your place are a great choice too, because they're way healthier than imported products

* Don't be too cheap on meat and fish: they can be extremely dangerous for your health, especially if you buy something bad/rotten/expired. White meat (like poultry) is usually less expensive and better for your health. Fish should be as fresh as possible - or very well frozen. If you have a good brand you can trust, go for it, otherwise ask for advice from your parents: they know better.

* If you buy something, check if there are cooking suggestions written on the box. Or do a quick search on the internet - it helps to find good recipes too.

* Buy a mandolin slicer or a multicutter: it will make the chopping part faster. But watch your fingers anyway, there are still blades.

* How to cook a basic meal: put oil and garlic/onion in a pan or saucepan, then add vegetables. Then add half glass of water, meat and/or fish (optional), salt and other spices and leave it to simmer until everything is cooked.

* Fish doesn't take long to cook, while meat can’t take less than 30 minutes. Speaking of vegetables, usually potatoes take the longest time to be done, so if they are done, all other vegetables are.

* Put an alarm on your phone, so you won’t forget there’s something cooking. And stir what you put on the stove.

* Do you have an oven? That's great! Put some meat/fish in an oven tray, add potatoes and vegetables, salt and spices, oil and a little bit of water. Put everything in the oven at 180/200 °C more or less and wait until the meat is golden and potatoes are done. Put an alarm and do something else, while waiting. Once in a while, go take a look and turn the meat/fish/vegetables. If there’s no water/oil anymore, add some more.

* if you're lazy or you have long working hours, cook only once a day and double the amount. For example, you can only cook in the evening, so you will have dinner and a lunch ready for the day after. By doing this, you’ll hardly be tempted by junk food too, because you already have something to eat.

* Try to not cook too much food. If you're not sure about how much you will eat, cook less food and add more fruits at the end of your meal. So you will be full, without wasting food. Over time, you will learn more about quantities and how to deal with them.

* Rice takes a long time to cook, but it's extremely good and versatile: put it to boil in a pan, then add vegetables in a separate pan. Or bacon and peas. Or the basic vegetable meal from before.

* Pasta is also very versatile but please, put water and salt in a pan, not just water. And no oil. And please, follow the time written on the box. Overcooked pasta is a sin. Pasta is not supposed to melt in your mouth. Every time you cook pasta until it's twice its size, someone in the world dies.

Also, please PLEASE do not use ketchup as sauce. Every time you use ketchup as sauce, an Italian granny dies. Do you really want to kill a precious little granny? I don't think so.

So, please, put that heretic sauce away and make your own sauce. It won't take too long: oil, chopped onion and cherry tomatoes in a pan, to simmer until pasta is ready. Or you can make the "basic meal" I mentioned above and add pasta to it. There are a lot of possibilities to try. Just don’t put dry pasta on a plate and eat it. Pasta needs a sauce.

And now, a few random dishes I recently made with minimum effort:

Peeled shrimp (frozen) with tomatoes, zucchini and potatoes.

Chicken breast with carrots, zucchini and red pepper, with basmati rice on the side. I cooked the rice by itself in a pot and put meat and vegetables in a separate pan. I also added some fennel to the meat and the smell was absolutely amazing.

This is carbonara. I know some heretic people might use cream or other stuff and call it “carbonara”, but they are heretics. Carbonara is made of bacon, oil and eggs. It’s not hard to do it, but you need to be very quick when it’s time to assemble everything. If you want a good video that shows how to do it, you can watch this one: this guy did it in a slightly different way compared to mine (I didn’t add any cheese, because I don’t like it), but it’s a real, good carbonara.

The evening before, I had some premade rice with radicchio and speck. There wasn’t a lot left, so I added a little bit of water and oil to the pot, 200 grams of pre-cooked chicken peas and a sliced carrot and ta-da, a brand new dish. It was very tasty and there were no leftovers after that.

Moral of the episode: learn how to cook, because it’s essential ;)

( Support me on Ko-fi )

_______________________________

TAGLIST:

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[nat-20s]

Wonderful! Au Part 7! (also on ao3 here) another episode only installment, and obnoxiously fluffy! Have fun!

~*~

Martin, tired: Hello everybody! Welcome, or welcome back, to a very low energy episode. We have had, as the kids say, A Week Tm.

Jon, equally tired, but fond: Is that as the kids say?

Martin: I don't know, and perhaps worse, I don't really care. I guess I could ask Jeremiah next time he's over, but I'm not sure if that would actually help.

Jon: Shockingly, I don't think two year olds have their finger on the beating pulse of youth culture.

Martin: Hmm, maybe not. Speaking of Jeremiah, he's part of why the format of this episode is gonna be a bit different than our regular. On top of me dealing with a frankly obscene amount of inventory management, and Jon being swamped with grant writing-

Jon: I never want to look at proposal guidelines again-

Martin: we were on babysitting duty for our favourite neighborhood hellion-

Jon: Hey, Jeremiah is a very sweet kid! I know he's a toddler, but we shouldn't be slandering him anyway.

Martin: One, we're not even using his real name, I don't think that counts as slander, and two, exactly, he's a toddler, he's by default a hellion.

Jon, teasing: This coming from the person that actually wants one?

Martin: I..look, if anything, the last few days have shown we should not be permanent parents.

Jon: But?

Martin:...There's no but.

Jon: I don't believe you! Are you lying for my benefit or the audience's? Because someone spent the last five days wearing one of the largest grins I've ever seen, exhausted as it may have been.

Martin: Okay! Fine, I admit, I liked having a kid around. I still think it would be a bad idea to do it full time, but I dunno. I wish we weren't both only children or something. We would make such good uncles.

Jon: Should I should have taken that teaching job after all?

Martin: Perhaps. After all,

Martin, singsong: An English teacher, is really someone!

Jon and Martin, singing together: If only you, had be-come one!

Jon: Honestly, though, I was considerably underqualified. I'm much more suited to my current job, even if it doesn't have quite the same impact on the "shaping of the next generation" or whatnot.

Martin: Wait, you actually care about qualifications now? When did that change?

Jon: This coming from Mister "master's degree in parapsychology"? And it was probably around the time that the world ended from taking on a workload I was ill-suited for.

Jon:...

Jon: Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Martin: Oh, of course. Definitely nothing literally apocalyptic in our pasts, no siree, nothing to see or speculate about or make weirdly involved forums for here. Uh, anyway, long introduction not so short: Both of us have been averaging about 4 hours of sleep, so any sort of actual research was not on the table.

Jon: If any of you are wondering why we didn't just say that we're both very much worn out and thus we'll be taking a week off, it's because we're both deeply, deeply stubborn.

Martin: It's one of our best shared qualities that has never caused any conflict between us, ever.

Jon: In fairness, sheer stubbornness does account for, what, 75% of the reason that either of us are still alive? And it hasn't caused a major conflict between us in a good three years.

Martin: That's true. We've become a deeply boring, relatively conflict free couple. Which fucking rules, by the way. To all the couples out there: I highly recommend being boring. It is so nice. We've gotten to go to the farmer's market so many times.

Jon: You do love the farmer's market. I would say that it's the access to fresh produce, but I think you just like the attention that one yarn seller gives you. Can't believe you would take advantage of a crush to get discounts on wool. How did I marry such an opportunist?

Martin: Ollie does not have a crush on me. They're just friendly to everyone.

Jon: Bullshit. I certainly never get an extra skein or stitch markers or delicate fabric cleaner tossed in my bag. Actually, I think I've been charged more for committing the crime of having married you before they could.

Martin: I'm..70% sure that's not true, but every sentence we speak, we stray further from even pretending to be on topic. So, to everybody listening, this is the itty bitty episode! Basically, we're only doing small wonders and user submissions. If you want details or backstory for things we like, too bad, come back next week. Jon, I believe you're first this week?

Jon: Oh, right. My first small wonder is cat names.

Martin: Delightful, but unsurprising. Though, I would've expected either more or less specificity. Why cat names as opposed to pet's names in general, or, like, military title names?

Jon: Well that's simple enough. I've simply never met a misnamed cat, even if the name itself wasn't to my personal tastes, and I think that speaks to the wonderful universality of cats.

Martin: This, of course, implies that you have met animals that were misnamed.

Jon: Oh, I have. I once met a papillion dog named Meatball.

Martin: Now I know you don't like food names in general for pets, but are you sure that Meatball didn't suit the dogs personality? I've known some "Meatballs" in my lifetime.

Jon, only half-mock offended: Of course it didn't fit, Martin. She was a lady. A nervous, jittery lady, but a lady nonetheless.

Martin, laughing: And what, you've never met a dignified cat with an undignified name, or vice versa? Would you be okay with our cat being named Meatball?

Jon: I would be upset if our cat was named Meatball, because we named her and we're above that sort of thing, but, technically speaking, she could have been Meatball in another lifetime and it wouldn't have been wrong. You see, all cats are a mix of both extremely austere and little baby idiot.

Martin: Oh, is that the scientific terminology?

Jon: It is. Now, while there's probably some amount of, er, normative determinism or confirmation bias or something that results in a cat with a more dignified name seeming to possess more of that austerity, as all cats have both, any name can, potentially, fit. Hence why it's wonderful.

Martin: I..accept your proposal for now, but I think more research needs to be done. Maybe we should visit the shelter this weekend and test your hypothesis.

Jon: Hmm. I think we may need to visit multiple shelters, actually. A large sample size is necessary for any sort of veracity, obviously.

Martin, imitating Jon tone: Obviously.

Jon: Glad you agree. What's your first small wonder?

Martin: Tofu!

Jon: I..didn't realize you liked that much?

Martin: Well, I don't get it very often since I know you can't stand the texture, even though it is not like 'worse scrambled eggs', and you're a horrible food thief-

Jon: Lies and slander. We readily share. If I'm a horrible food thief, you have committed the exact same, if not worse, crime as myself.

Martin: Well, we are thick as thieves.

Jon, groaning: You're thick as something alright

Martin: Rude! My beloved husband-

Jon: -uh huh-

Martin: whom I love and trust with my most tender of hearts-

Jon: -an oddly cannibalistic turn of phrase-

Martin, badly suppressing laughter: Oh, my god. I want a divorce, then I can put tofu in as many dishes as I like. I'll triple my protein intake.

Jon: It'd never go through. I'll burn the papers. No, wait, I'll burn down the legal offices where the papers are kept.

Martin: Hmm. While my experiences with it have been, uh, varied to say the least, I do have to admit that arson is one of the more attractive crimes of passion. I suppose I'll take you back.

Jon, flat: I'm so very grateful.

Jon, genuine: You do have yet to actually tell me why you think tofu is wonderful, love.

Martin: It's just a good food! It's neutral enough that you can toss it in pretty much anything with a sauce, you can bake it, you can fry it, whatever. Plus it's what? two? Three quid? I spent many years of my life living off the cheapest, saltiest approximation of noodles you could imagine, and half a pack of tofu, a little bit of sesame oil, and some green onions went a long way to both making it more filling and less sad. 

Martin: Plus, I feel like it often gets decried for being something it's not? It's so often viewed as a meat substitute or the vegan alternative option, and so when people try it, they often go in with a false preconceived notion of what it's going to be like, and then end up disappointed. They're all like, 'ugh, this doesn't taste like turkey!' and yeah, of course it doesn't. It's the oatmeal raisin cookie of the protein world, a perfectly good and tasty treat on its own, but if you want chocolate chip, it's not gonna work.

Jon: Martin you don't even like oatmeal raisin. I'm the only one that ever eats them out of the multipacks.

Martin: Well, yeah, but I don't like oatmeal raisin because of its flavor, not because I think it should be chocolate chip and fails. It illustrates my point. Also, just for balance, is your next small wonder oatmeal raisin cookies?

Jon: No, though, maybe one of these weeks. They are good. But no, um, my next small wonder is being married.

Martin, let out a high bark of a laugh: Being married is a small wonder?!

Jon: Small wonders doesn't mean a lack of importance! Or even significance in our lives. Half the time we even end up spending just as much time chattering on about them as the things we actually research. But, yes, I didn't feel like researching the concept of being married. For one, a lot of the history of it is depressing and patriarchal, and for two, it's not something I really feel any need to elaborate on. Being married. I very much enjoy it. I recommend it for anybody that's found someone that they want to marry, and who wants to marry them. I really recommend being married to Martin Blackwood, I think I would enjoy it significantly less if it was to anybody else, but one: we typically try to make the wonderful things in this show  applicable to more than just ourselves, and two: I got there first, so I believe the appropriate thing to say here would be; neener neener and/or everyone else can go suck it, Ollie.

Martin: Well...

Jon: Well, what?

Martin: Saying you got there first is technically not true-

Jon: What?!

Martin, laughing like a bastard: Sorry, sorry! Couldn't resist! Jon, you already know that you're my first real realationship, how would be married before fit that?

Jon: Hence my surprise at the notion! I cannot believe you! I give you my trust, my earnestness, and belief-

Martin [only laughs harder]

Jon: and you throw it in my face for a bit. I take back everything, being married is a nightmare, because sometimes your partner thinks he a fucking comedian and you just have to put up with him because you love him and want to live the rest of your life with him or some such nonsense. Not worth it, if you ask me. My turn to ask for the divorce.

Martin: Babe, hate to break it to you, but both of us are guilty of doing bits that the other doesn't like, it's an integral part of  a healthy marriage, and secondly, you knew who I was long before I proposed. You should've said no when you had the chance.

Jon: Hang on, you proposed?

Martin: Yeah? This isn't part of a bit, of course I proposed. I'm even pretty sure you were there. The whole visit back to Scotland trip? I finally made you a sweater and said it was because we would now be immune to the boyfriend curse?

Jon: No, no, I remember all that, but it wasn't the proposal. It was a reaffirmation of the proposal. We had already decided to get married.

Martin: Well, yeah,, I wasn't just gonna spring that on you, we had had conversations beforehand-

Jon:  No, I mean, I had already proposed. I asked you to marry me a good three years earlier, and you said yes, which is a proposal by any definition that I know.

Martin: Jon, love, darling, apple of my eye, fire of my soul, I mean this in the nicest way possible, what the everloving fuck are you talking about?

Jon: In the ambulance ride when we, uh, moved here. It was the thing I said to you the second I saw your eyes were open.

[An audible pause is left in the recording.]

Martin: That does not count.

Jon: How does it not count?! I asked you to marry me, you very emphatically said yes, that's the de facto definition of an accepted marriage proposal!

Martin: It doesn't count because you were half-delirious with blood-loss, and I had a traumatic brain injury that the hospital was very surprised I made a full recovery from. No court in the world would consider anything we said then more than pain driven ramblings, let alone, I dunno, contractually binding.

Jon: Well, I knew what I was saying well and clear. Just because it was desperate doesn't mean it wasn't sincere. I didn't realize that you weren't as cognizant when you accepted.

Martin, snorting: Yeah, didn't really need to be cognizant to say yes. I've wanted to marry you since the train ride to Scotland.

Jon: Wait, really? Martin, we hadn't even been on a date.

Martin: And yet we were on the lamb together, which I honestly think is more romantic than sitting in some restaurant somewhere trying to get through icebreakers. Also, back up, from your perspective we've been engaged since 2019? What did you think we were doing in the interim?

Jon: Uhh..

Martin: Yes?

Jon: There are people that have long engagement periods, and it's not exactly like we were in any sort of position to get married for awhile. Especially not that first year.

Martin: Okay? And?

Jon: And..I sort of thought you had changed your mind. For awhile. Was rather surprised that you kept living with me, considering that, on the worst nights, I was convinced you were going to storm off and leave me forever any minute now. Hence why your proposal was rather relieving.

Martin: Oh, Jon, love. That is so very ridiculous, and so very you, and so very close to many of my own fears and doubts. Do you have any idea how terrified I was to float the idea of marriage to you? Half the time I was convinced I was just meant to keep you company until you found someone better. And, Christ, we'd, from your perspective, been engaged the whole damn time. Fuck.

[Jon, after a beat, starts laughing. It has a slightly hysterical edge to it. Martin joins in. It takes a minute for the laughter to subside enough for them to speak again.]

Jon: I'm rapidly realizing that our entire romantic relationship would've been, if not more successful, a hell of a lot faster if we weren't both complete fools.

Martin: You're realizing that now? I think I've known that since the CV incident. I've definitely known it since the Lonely.

Jon, with a slightly tired chuckle:Yes, yes, something probably should've tipped me off earlier. Shockingly, observation of our own personal romantic trends is not always a strong suit of mine.

Jon: Anyway, please tell me you have another small wonder, this has gotten wildly of track.

Martin: Since we're talking about marriage anyway, I think my next small wonder is having a shared reference in your wedding vows. Our friends had "I have been, and always shall be, your friend" in theirs, and I made Jon cry with a slightly altered Lord of the Rings quote in ours.

Jon: First off, we were both openly weeping long before that point, secondly, I defy anybody to have been through half of what we have and then have the love of their life look them in the eyes and tell them "Leave you? I never intend to. I am going with you, if you climb to the moon" without at least tearing up.

Martin: There wasn't a dry eye in the audience, either. Granted, the audience was only 20 people, but that was also literally the only time I've seen Eloise show a strong emotion, so I'm pretty smug about it.

Martin, soft: I still feel exactly the same, you know. If you're climbing to the moon, I'll make sure the rope is strong enough for two.

Jon, soft: I know, love.

Jon: Though, to be fair, the moon is also significantly more pleasant than many places we've been.

Martin: God, I hate how much that's true. Look at this barren, oxygenless rock, at least it's not actively trying to kill us. Practically a honeymoon location.

[Martin sighs]

Martin: I am so tired. Let's do the user submissions then take a very long nap.

Jon: Please.

Martin: So, first submission is from Josie; They find it wonderful getting cards from their friends. They say they're lucky to have so much love in their life and have friends that care enough to send them things. That is wonderful Josie! We have a drawer in our house dedicated to every loving card we've ever received since the move, and they're always such a nice reminder of the people in our lives.

Jon: We should really organize that drawer, but, yes, agree with the sentiment. Even the cards from people that are no longer in our lives are lovely, I think. Those connections are very much meaningful for both of us, whether they're active or not.

Martin: That's very true.  Next submission is from Lys, who submits the sound of leaves crunching under your feet in the fall. Ah, that's a classic.

Jon: I just felt myself relax imagining it. I wish it was autumn.

Martin: Don't we all? Alright, for the last submissions, I'm grouping them together as they follow a similar theme. Jadwiga submits the feeling of waking up well into the morning with the sun shining through the window and your cat laying next to you, and Oran submits when a dog falls asleep with its head in your lap.

Jon: I can heartily recommend at least one of those, considering that's how we try to wake up most mornings. The Duchess is a dutiful darling girl who spends every night with us, and she's usually still there when us humans rise.

Martin: I bet you'll agree with the other when I finally convince you to get me a dog for my birthday.

Jon: It hasn't happened yet, so I wouldn't hold your breath.

Martin: But you don't even dislike dogs! You're just as happy to pet them when they pass by as I am.

Jon: Being fine with an animal isn't the same thing as wanting to adopt one for yourself! We don't even know if The Duchess would put up with a dog.

Martin: I bet she would. I bet we could get a big senior dog who's the calmest animal you've ever met with those soft eyes and a little grey on the muzzle and she would cuddle up in an instant. And we did say we should visit a shelter or three this weekend..

Jon: I think you're rather callously taking advantage of my exhausted state, but I suppose we can look. 

Martin: Hell fuckin yeah. So, I think that'll close out the episode, and as we always say at the end, uh, go take a nap and get a dog. Not necessarily in that order.

[bartistic]

Bruce Goes To The Market!

knife tw, food cw, incredibly dumb self-indulgent concept cw, outsider (oc) pov

It is universally acknowledged that a cashier possessing free time, will be in want of an extra task to fill that free time. At least, that’s what James’ managers seemed to think. Privately, he agreed, as he found restocking the shelves to be a most agreeable pastime, one that could in fact suck up hours of his eight hour closing shift.

He was in the soda aisle, debating whether sparkling water belonged with seltzer or with the rest of the store brand items, when he noticed a broad-shouldered man in sunglasses and a Gotham University sweatshirt, inspecting the selection of diet tonic water and looking utterly flummoxed. Customer in need of assistance!

“Hi, how are you doing tonight? You need help finding anything?” Mentally, James winced at the preppy-ness of his ‘customer service robot voice’ as his favorite coworker Stephie liked to call it. Luckily, he’d thrown his voice out enough screaming to Queen karaoke the night before that his voice stayed in the normal octaves rather than shooting into the stratosphere. The man straightened up and looked down towards James, who suddenly felt very short in all of his 5’9” glory. (Well, 5’8 3/4” but who’s counting.)

“Yes, actually. I’m new to the store, could you direct me to where the soap is?” Oh god. Of all the things it had to be the one item James swore was never in the same aisle twice.

“Of course!” He lied through his teeth. “Here, right this way.” Turning, he set off towards the general direction of where the soap tended to lie, with a variation of four different aisles. Luckily, the first aisle was correct, and he watched, intrigued, as the customer gave a thorough inspection to at least 14 different bars of soap. “Anything else I can help you with?” He added, as the man finally selected a bar and placed it in his basket. The man looked sheepish.

“This is actually the first time I’ve been in a grocery store. I’m not usually the one doing the shopping. My—the person I live with gave me a list, but I honestly don’t know where or even what half of these things are.” He held out a grocery list, scrawled in an elegant cursive. It was double-sided. James checked the front of the store, where the other cashier was engrossed in his phone while trying not to appear engrossed in his phone. It was an hour and a half until they closed, and he was pretty sure there was only one other customer in the store at most.

“Sure! Alright, so our first step should probably be to hit the deli, seeing as they have the longest wait times.” After walking the man through ordering Roast Beef, Prosciutto, Pastrami, Swiss, Havarti, Gouda, and Picante Provolone (what) they moved on to the canned goods. “We should probably grab a cart, I don’t think that basket’s going to be able to hold all of this.” Turning into the canned goods aisle, James sighed.

“Caution: Hazard Detected! Precaución, ¡Peligro Detectado!” The store’s resident useless robot assistant was stuck in place, screaming at a small bit of an onion peel that had fallen to the floor.

“Batsy, I swear to god.” James went over and kicked the peel under one of the shelves, pressing the button on the robot to reboot it.

“...Batsy?” The customer sounded somewhere between bemused and amused. Perhaps just ‘mused.

“Yeah, it’s our obtuse robot that only sees what’s right in front of it and makes a big fuss over literally nothing. It can’t even clean anything up, and the few moments there actually is a spill it just skids through it and makes it worse. Technically corporate calls it Patsy, short for Patrick, because we’re Patrick’s, you know? But since this is Gotham, we call it Batsy. Short for... Batrick. I’m not the one who came up with the name, that honor goes to my coworker Stephie. She’s, uh, not working tonight.” James internally began banging his head against the shelves. Why. Was. He. Like. This. “So, do you know what brand of chickpeas your... roommate wanted?”

/ / /

Finally, after another 45 minutes of shopping, they were ready to check out. James noticed the shift had changed while he was away. “Alright, so I can actually take you at this register over here, ‘cuz I’m still logged in and all.” He gulped as the customer began to load up onto the belt. This was... a lot of food. He’d scanned around a quarter when he officially ran out of room, turning to bagging instead. “Let’s get you another cart, actually, so we can load into that without squishing what you haven’t unpacked yet.” He moved to go grab one, but the customer was faster, jogging back with another cart before he could even finish bagging all the protein shakes. There were, admittedly, a lot of protein shakes.

Scanning the meat-substitutes, James scanned his own mind for an avenue of conversation. “So, you mentioned that it’s your son who’s the vegetarian. How old is he?”

“He’s 13. It’s not religious or health-wise or anything, he just really loves animals. Our house is practically a zoo on a good day, and that’s not even counting all his siblings.”

“Oh, how many kids do you have?” It had to be a fair amount for it to be ‘all’ his siblings. The customer opened his mouth as if to answer, then shut it again. He seemed to be thinking. Did he... not know how many kids he had??

“Legally I have... fffffour? Five? Yeah... that sounds right.” James tried to hide the bewildered expression in his own face, but he must not have been doing it well. “That makes me sound like such a bad father. No, I promise, I love them all, I just have quite a few of their friends living with us as well, and I’ve known those kids long enough to feel like they’re my kids too. Not to mention the whole difference between the ones I’ve adopted, the one who was my ward who I then retroactively adopted, the one I’m fostering, and the one who is legally an emancipated minor. And... the one who. Is no longer with us.” James blinked. That was indeed complicated.

“You must have a lot of love in your heart,” he settled on, finally.

“I just h— Oh, #%*$.” The blueberry container had burst open, all over the floor. James internally groaned.

“Oh no! Sorry about that, that’s the third one tonight. The packaging is just... not great. Do you want me to go get you another one?”

“No, I can get it. Thanks though.” The customer gingerly stepped through the minefield as James power walked to go get the clean up supplies. Six feet away, Batsy was screaming at a blueberry.

“Eat your heart out, Mister Miyagi,” he aimed a light roundhouse kick at the button to reboot the robot. Batsy got two feet before it encountered another world-ending-threat, danger level blueberry. James sighed and went to go clear that area first.

/ / /

Finally, almost everything was scanned. James was scanning the bread and rolls as the customer fit all the bags into the two carts, like an expert game of tetris. There were a few hiccups where James had had to explain that you probably shouldn’t bag Raid with milk, or that it was a good idea to double bag heavy items, or that you should wait until the end to put the eggs in (and there were a lot of eggs. Gaston-levels of eggs. Probably to be expected with that many kids in the house. Hah. eggs-pected.) But by the end they were working like a well-oiled machine. James bagged the last item, hit the button to total it, and watched as the customer realized he forgot his deli items.

“I’m just gonna— gonna run and go get those real quick. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, sure. Can you fill out the charity question real quick though? Th...thanks.” The customer was gone before James could question him on the fact that he’d used the custom amount option to apparently donate $1k to Gotham General’s children’s ward. It was... probably a mistake, but he’d wait around to check. He turned as he heard the beginnings of a commotion behind him, from the one other customer in the store. This guy’s whole aesthetic just screamed gross, from the white-boy dreads to the Blue Lives Matter gaiter mask. It looked as if he was having trouble at self-checkout. James was about to head over to help when his coworker passed him. He turned back to keep an eye on the clock. 10 minutes until closing. Please come back with the deli items soon. He heard an aggressive murmuring that sent chills up his spine, a distinct feeling of Not Right Bad. He turned back to where his coworker was engaged with helping the other customer. His coworker who was... very pale. Frightened. The customer whose hand glinted silver with... oh #%*$, that’s a knife. Not Good Very Bad... oh hell no, you are not hurting my coworker on my watch.

“HEY #%$&FACE, EAT BEANS!” As the aggressive customer turned to meet the container of garbanzo beans that was currently hurtling towards his face at the maximum speed a theatre-kid-who-never-did-sports could throw, the world seemed to throw down. Faintly, James could hear rational thoughts pounding at the door to his mind, begging to be let in. Thoughts like ‘They’re definitely going to fire you for attacking a customer’ and ‘They’re definitely going to fire you for cursing in front of a customer’ and ‘They’re definitely going to fire you for damaging the merchandise’ and ‘You can’t even throw a ball to save your life, there’s no way that’s going to hit him.’ Praying to Freddie Mercury, Elton John, and all other things holy, James watched as the beans sailed through the air and struck their target true— albeit a little lower than planned.”

Grossface automatically brought his hands down to protect his nethers, apparently forgetting that their was a knife in his hands. He let out a second agonized howl as he stabbed himself in the balls. Blindly, James groped around for more ammunition. Holding out a zucchini as threateningly as he could, he watched as the would-be aggressor ran out of the store as fast as he could with both hands clasping his junk. “Are you okay?” He asked his coworker, feeling his voice echo through the suddenly very-quiet-sounding store. She nodded mutely. He nodded back, then turned back to his register and oH shit there’s His Customer, holding the deli items.

“Nice shot.” Okay, this time he definitely sounded amused.

“I... am so sorry about the beans, I can get you a refund on those or I can go get you some more or—”

“No need, they definitely went to a good cause.” The customer grinned and held out the deli items. Faintly, James began to wrestle with the bag to get to the barcodes. Finally, everything was scanned, for good.

“Alright, will that be everything?” The clock read two minutes until closing.

“Yes, that should be everything. Again, thank you for all your help.” James watched as even with the membership points taken off, the total soared to over $750.

“Alright, your total is... $754.33, here’s some coupons and a survey slip. If you fill that out you get entered for a drawing to win a $500 gift card. Which... I don’t know that you’d need, but. Why not.” The customer reached into his wallet and counted out 5 $100 bills. Then he pulled out a black card. He paid off the total with the card, then handed the bills to James.

“Here you go, I wasn’t sure how much you tip cashiers.” James opened and closed his mouth a few times, like a fish.

“People don’t normally... tip cashiers...” and especially not HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS.

“Oh. Well, you were a good cashier. You deserve it. And here—” at this he pulled a crisp business card out of his wallet. “At Wayne Enterprises we could use quick-thinkers like you.” Pulling down his sunglasses, he gave a quick wink. James waved absentmindedly as BRUCE #%*$ING WAYNE walked out of the store. He looked down at the business card. Written upon it were the words: “Call here for an interview, mention Malone and they’ll know I sent you. Best of luck with the current job— BW”

James sat down. The clock was 10 minutes past closing before he remembered to look at it. There were a million thoughts running through his head. Oh my god I joked around to a billionaire. I cursed in front of a billionaire. I chucked a can of beans into a man’s nutsack in front of a billionaire.

But oddly enough, the only question that remained at the top of his mind was this:

This is because I have black hair and blue eyes, isn’t it.

[plumoh]

[FE3H] This Isn’t An Embarrassment Competition, Guys

Rating: G

Word count: 2520

Summary: They bet on the number of times Felix and Sylvain are being affectionate in public; Annette is certain she won't lose. / post-AM route

Note: AO3 link. Humour, PDA, a compilation of Sylvix being embarrassing. Originally written for Sylvix week 2020!

“500 gold.”

“800 gold.”

“You are all cowards. 1500 gold!”

“You’re awfully confident, Annette…”

“I’ve seen them! I see them too often!”

Annette resists the urge to smile like she’s possessed as Felix joins them at the breakfast table, alone. He raises an eyebrow when all heads swivel to stare at him.

“What?”

“Nothing!” Annette exclaims, waving her hands frantically. “It’s a fine morning, isn’t it?”

“It’s literally freezing outside.”

“I mean, it’s a good day in Faerghan standards!”

Ashe, sitting across her, is visibly wincing and probably trying to become one with his chair. Annette bites the inside of her cheek and forces herself to stop talking as even Mercedes’s quiet amusement starts making her embarrassed. Oh well, they can thank her later for diverting Felix’s attention from their conversation!

Felix deems her reaction not worth another question and digs into his food. A mere minute later Sylvain strolls into the mess hall, grabs a plate of food at random, and heads towards their table, like a moth attracted to light. Annette clasps a hand over her mouth to hide her smile, and she knows they’re all holding their breath. The grin on Sylvain’s face is a dead giveaway.

“Hey guys, good morning!” he greets cheerfully.

He puts the plate on the table, next to Felix’s, and casually bends down to kiss Felix’s cheek not once, not twice, but three times, unashamed and practically glowing with joy.

“And good morning to you, sweetheart.”

“I told you to stop calling me that,” Felix mutters, but there is the smallest hint of satisfaction on his face.

Annette is now biting her lower lip, trying really hard not to laugh. They’re cute, but also disgustingly so. She actually doesn’t know if she hates them for that or not.

She glances briefly at Ashe, then Mercedes, and holds up a finger.

First act of public display of affection of the day. She bet on eight. She’s going to win so easily.

***

She knew that Sylvain would be the kind of person to show off his partner and to kiss them right in front of other people, but she didn’t account for Felix to also be embarrassing in public. Annette is a bigger romantic than they are, but she isn’t going to enjoy kissing her significant other or holding hands with them when so many pairs of eyes are going to judge! She doesn’t have a death wish!

Felix is someone who likes keeping his privacy, but apparently the concept completely flew out of the window once he’s officially declared he was courting Sylvain. At first it was nothing exceptional, just some hand touches during meetings, Sylvain’s arm around Felix’s shoulders as usual, or lingering stares that made the temperature of the room go up at least five degrees. No, it was after their marriage that it started getting out of hand. Something about the bliss of being newly wed, the excitement of beginning a new life, and other reasons that Annette doesn’t quite believe apply to these particular idiots. Ingrid agrees with her; being embarrassing is in their nature.

Annette is visiting the castle for the day and attending meetings about education, and how they can improve the students’ learning experience. She probably won’t be stuck to Felix or Sylvain, but she is certain she will see enough of them to win the bet. And a lot of gold.

She walks towards the meeting room, her steps light. She knows that some nobles are thinking that nobody should appear so eager and happy early in the morning, as if it’s a rule established by the king himself—well, sucks to be them, Annette loves mornings, and this one is going to be wonderful.

Luck is smiling down on her; at the end of the corridor, she can see Felix’s blue coat and Sylvain’s fiery hair. They’re whispering to each other, not urgently, which can only mean they’re telling each other goodbyes for the day. Or the morning. Most likely the morning, because the chances of them not meeting for lunch are slimmer than Felix skipping a training session. Annette is squinting at their figures, then rolls her eyes when she makes out the shape of their hands linked together.

Sweet words and hand holding in the middle of a corridor? That definitely counts as PDA.

***

Meetings are still incredibly boring, even after a few years of attending them regularly. Annette likes contributing to the educational system, but most of the time they don’t make much progress after discussing for one hour or two, which frustrates her a lot. This deserves a cookie break.

On her way to the gardens, she bumps into Ingrid, who is doing her usual rounds in the castle grounds—even during peacetime, she doesn’t take her duties lightly.

“Hi Ingrid!” Annette greets her. “Have you heard of our new bet?”

“Hello, Annette.” Ingrid smiles. “Yes, Mercedes told me she expects the two idiots to be gross in public six times today.”

“Ashe said it would be four times because they calmed down, but I think he’s just being nice. It’s not even lunchtime yet and I already caught them twice!”

Ingrid shakes her head and sighs. Annette wonders what it must feel like to hear about your childhood friends getting into trouble every day, and being unable to do anything to change that. Well, during their academy days, Annette also had her fair share of Sylvain-incidents to take care of, but it’s probably not comparable of years of antics. Ingrid loves them still, which means that this has become a natural task in her routine? Annette still feels kind of bad for her.

“Felix and Sylvain were headed to see His Majesty earlier, before I left for my rounds. Some nobles were asking for an audience, so Sylvain took the opportunity to introduce himself as Felix’s husband who, and I quote, ‘is like the best part of myself, precious and dangerous, and I love him with my entire being’.”

Annette bursts out laughing. “Ugh, Sylvain is such a sap! The count goes up to three! And I thought they weren’t stuck together today?”

“They are not, and that’s exactly why this is ridiculous.”

Maybe they know about the bet and they’re doing it on purpose.Lunchtime rolls around and they all gather in the mess hall once again. Annette sees Ashe already sitting with Felix and Sylvain, the three of them deep in conversation about horses, Sylvain talking with his hands like he always does while Ashe jabs his finger at him.

“Stop talking and eat, we don’t have all day,” Felix says.

Annette sits next to Ashe just as Felix scoops up some vegetables and a piece of meat with his fork, and directly deposits the content into Sylvain’s mouth, who readily accepts the offering with a smile. They’re making eyes at each other. That never happened before; Annette is speechless. Ashe stops talking mid-sentence.

“Wow, aren’t we bothering them, Ashe?”Annette asks lowly, glancing his way.

“Uh.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “What are you gawking at? Mind your own business.”

This is the fourth occurrence. Annette knew she was going to get richer by the end of the day, but she didn’t think it would be that predictable. Don’t they feel embarrassed? Don’t they think it’s awkward to spread their love like that, unbridled and free for everyone to see? Annette would be mortified if it were her. Who does that, in goddamn Faerghus?

Ashe coughs and attempts resuming the conversation from earlier (fast horses or something), but he’s struggling getting the words out because Felix keeps feeding Sylvain. Sylvain has hands! He can eat by himself! Annette is going to scream.

“W-What are you supposed to do this afternoon?” she cuts in, clutching her utensils a bit too firmly.

“Oh, I just have to see some guys for a problem about food supply chain,” Sylvain answers with a shrug. “Nothing exciting.”

“You could come with me to watch the new recruits after that,” Ashe suggests.

Sylvain makes a face. “Are you asking me to train?”

“A bit of training wouldn’t hurt you.” Felix snorts. “I have to accompany Dimitri in his duties today, and I’m going now.”

Felix rises from his chair, and before he can walk away, Sylvain takes his wrist and tugs him down for a kiss on the mouth. It’s the kind of kiss that doesn’t last long, but it’s not a simple brush of lips either, it’s the kind involving sucking and licking. They’re enjoying it too much.

“See you later,” Sylvain says, grinning.

“Yeah, don’t slack off,” Felix says.

Ashe leans towards her, and whispers harshly, “This counts double, right?”

“Of course it counts double,” Annette replies on the same tone. ���That makes currently five for me. You lost.”

Ashe sighs. “Well, I had too much faith in them.”

***

Actually, since Felix is with Dimitri all afternoon, he shouldn’t be able to meet up with Sylvain, right? There is no reason for them to cross paths, and even if they did, doing something inappropriate in the presence of the king and other dignitaries would be highly frowned upon, right?

“That has never stopped them before,” Dedue says calmly, almost like he’s accepted his fate.

The greenhouse is quiet, as they water plants and cut some leaves for a tea blend.

“It was funny at first, but now it’s downright disconcerting!” Annette whines.

“You don’t spend much time at the castle, but I do assure you that these public displays of affection have almost become an attraction to many people here.”

“You’re joking.”

The corner of Dedue’s mouth twitches upwards. “I am not. Consider yourself lucky to be away from this nonsense, Annette.”

Still, Dedue sounds entertained. He doesn’t partake in their silly games or bets, but he’s always there to witness the results of the events, collecting evidence of their general stupidity and bad decisions—like that one time they all tried to make a very drunk Dimitri dance and sing, which ended in too many broken expensive furniture, even for the royal treasury; Felix was not amused.

“I believe that they are trying to see how far they can keep this up before someone starts berating them for their behaviors,” Dedue muses.

“That wouldn’t surprise me,” Annette mutters. “Ingrid warned them multiple times, but they don’t listen.”

“They don’t listen to anyone, not even to His Majesty.”

Suddenly, it occurs to Annette that Dimitri has probably seen way more than they all did, and he must be suffering greatly.

***

The sixth time Annette sees them spilling their love all over the place can’t really be considered a show of PDA, but if she caught them in the act, then anybody could. The sun is nearly setting and Dimitri, with his close advisors, are taking a walk in the gardens, greeting the last visiting nobles who couldn’t get a glimpse of him all day. Felix flanks his right while Dedue stands on his left, and Sylvain has magically materialized to trail behind them, all smiles and charm.

Sylvain is saying something to Felix, but Felix shakes his head, like he’s refusing a request or expressing how doubtful he is of whatever he heard. Sylvain laughs, then takes Felix’s hand to kiss it like he’s still courting him, and this time it makes Felix blush at the ears. Something so innocent, which can even be considered relatively common to greet another noble, is igniting such a warm reaction in him. It was a quick gesture but Annette saw it! Even if Dimitri is in the vicinity exuding his kingly aura, drawing attention to him, that doesn’t mean his advisors are invisible!

So yes, PDA!

***

They’re having dinner with Dimitri in his quarters, all eight of them (the Professor is sadly held back by their duties as Archbishop). The room they are in isn’t fitted to accommodate so many dinner guests, but with some arrangement and goodwill they can all sit perfectly around a table.

Felix is sitting on Sylvain’s lap.

“How are you going to eat like that?” Ingrid groans.

“Don’t worry, we always make things work.” Sylvain winks.

“You two look like you are having fun,” Mercedes comments with a smile.

“I’m not,” Ashe mumbles.

“It’s not unpleasant,” Felix says, unhelpful.

Annette glances at Dimitri, who is softly laughing at their antics. Dedue discreetly sighs but he doesn’t seem totally opposed to this...seating predicament, so he’s letting it slide. Unless he’s giving Annette an opportunity to win the bet, which would be extremely generous of him. That’s indeed the seventh occurrence, and it’s now a matter of time before Annette gets her sweet 3000 gold.

They eat, talk and reminisce all evening. Spending time together with no worries, no duties to think about, never fails to bring a smile on everyone’s faces. Annette likes these evenings where they’re not their titles, especially when Dimitri lets himself enjoy a moment of respite, free of the crown he’s wearing.

The hours pass by, bottles of alcohol are emptied, but still no sign of a kiss or loving gazes. Annette supposes it’s still early.

When some of them start dozing off and Annette herself is blinking away her sleepiness, Felix gets up to fetch blankets, then drops them on a nearby couch and yells at them to sleep if they can’t remain awake—that’s actually thoughtful of him. He goes back to sitting too close to Sylvain, but at least he’s not sitting in his lap anymore.

“This can be embarrassing to watch, but I am actually happy to see Felix and Sylvain unrestrained in their love,” Dimitri admits sheepishly.

Annette hits her forehead against the table.

“I don’t mean any offense, but they’re kind of exhausting.”

“Yes, they are,” Dimitri laughs. “But they have always been close.”

“...Your heart is made of gold, Your Majesty.”

“Oh, I am simply waiting for the day it goes too far.”

At this Annette jerks her head up, staring at Dimitri who keeps smiling, his eye glinting with playfulness.

“My lecture will be unforgettable.”

It sounds so honest and normal that Annette can’t help but snicker, imagining Felix’s and Sylvain’s faces twisted in a grimace as they listen to their king rant about propriety and manners and etiquette.

She ends up falling asleep on her chair after talking a while longer with Dimitri, vaguely aware she is forgetting about something.

***

“You’re telling me they behaved?!”

“Yes, unfortunately for you, the number of public displays of affection stopped at seven yesterday.”

“Wait, but those seven occurrences are what I’ve seen and heard about! I’m sure someone witnessed something we didn’t!”

Annette lets out a long whine, as Mercedes pats her shoulder.

“I’m sorry Annie, there is no way to confirm it.”

“So no one won the bet?” Annette asks.

“See the bright side: you didn’t lose money.”

Mercedes smiles kindly at her, but Annette knows that behind this smile her best friend is teasing her. One more occurrence and she could have won… There is no way Felix and Sylvain didn’t know; evil, the both of them.

[highlifeboat]

i mean... imo... it's still lady d's fault that people are dying on those stairs. She KNOWS theyre dangerous but hasnt explicitly blocked them off or told them not to use them. Also if they're getting killed for being tardy... of course the maids are going to use them if theyre faster. which really does make me have this tangent of thoughts of.. Even back in the early days, would Mia and Zoe have wanted to be with a murderer? Maybe they caused change. i might spam u with more details later

I mean, I'm not saying Lady D is innocent in this. Just that she technically didn't force them use the stairs in the first place.

The thing is, Alcina literally needs to eat blood to live (and also not grow bigger than she is), which, in my own opinion, makes her killing people a little more morally grey.

Mia's a little... morally ambiguous in general. She's also a murderer (not really out of her own volition, but probably blames herself anyway), that participated in experimenting on a child, and generally worked with a crime syndicate that started making Bioweapons. We don't know what Mia did during her time working there. Not that she supports murder, but if it's for survival purposes she might not find it as awful. Or at least not as bad as the stuff she did.

Zoe's a lot less... open... to the concept of cannibalism at first, but it's not like Alcina is making her or Mia eat human meat. I think what gets her is the way they kind of treat maids as if they're livestock. Because, y'know, a lot of these are women who probably don't have a choice but to be here in the first place. So I think she'd bring that up like "Hey, maybe you shouldn't treat the people who do almost everything for you like dirt." and kind of enact a minor change like that.

I dunno.

[prince-liest]

Hey 😅 mind if I ask you something? I think it may be a simple question, but I'm having trouble figuring it out. You know the saying, "you need some meat on your bones" Do we, as humans, really have meat or is it body fat? Is it healthy to gain weight if you're just adding body fat? I don't think you can spam eat pizza, heavy cheese/milk dishes and end up with "heathy unsaturated fat" that won't affect your heart. Sometimes I think ppl are born with thin bones that weight doesn't change.

I don't mind at all! c: Thanks for the interesting question!

Human beings need both fat and muscle to be healthy! As with anything, it's a matter of having the right amount - there's a lot in our culture, of course, about why too much fat is unhealthy, but too little can be very damaging to our bodies as well. Eating exclusively cheesy pizza would be pretty bad for you, though, because you're missing out on a bunch of protein and micronutrients. A good diet is much more complex than how much and what kinds of fats you consume.

Bone density is also something that is affected by diet and lifestyle. Young cis women doing high school and college sports are actually known for something called the "female athlete's triad," which is a triple-whammy of menstrual disregulation, low energy availability (because you're exercising a lot and eating too little), and low bone density. The latter is caused by insufficient consumption of vitamin D, calcium, and calories, as well as the way excessive exercise and dieting affect your hormones (estrogen is heavily involved in bone density regulation). That said, dieting isn't really going to make your bones skinnier or thicker - just run the risk of giving you osteoporosis in your teen years and for the rest of your life.

As for the concept of meat - I think when we talk about "meat" in food it generally refers to both muscle and fat, and in some cases edible organs. As a colloquial term, it's just a way of saying someone looks too skinny - which is more than possible to be, but perhaps not always somebody's business to comment on.

Overall, under-eating can have very serious health effects and despite our society's demonization of fat, a healthy diet and a healthy body are not going to exclude fat. If you are at too low of a body fat, it is definitely in your interest to gain more. And, honestly, as someone who used to have an eating disorder: it's really not worth it.

[magic-and-moonlit-wings]

Chapter 53: Identity

Becoming The Mask

Barbara was at work when her phone buzzed. She didn't have time to check it – she was busy with a toddler who had swallowed a paperclip.

If it had gone into the kid's stomach, things might have been okay. There was some risk of the sharp point doing damage, or the wire catching and tangling in the intestines, but the rounded ends of the paperclip meant there was also a chance it would simply be passed through.

Unfortunately, instead of ingesting the paperclip, the child had aspirated it, so it needed to be removed from her right lung.

Immediately after Barbara got out of surgery, she had to work up the x-rays of a teenager who'd crashed his Vespa into a tree. Nothing was obviously broken and he didn't have a concussion, but there was a risk of hairline fractures.

And then, (because why not,) there were three successive cases of people who had stuck odd things up their butts and gotten those things stuck.

By the time she was able to sit down for two minutes and gulp some coffee, she had forgotten about her buzzing phone.

She didn't even look at her phone until she was leaving for the night. Barbara got it out to turn the ringer off, since she wasn't supposed to be on call that night, which never stopped anyone when they were short-staffed, which was often, and she was tired enough it would probably be dangerous for her to be treating patients again until she'd had some sleep.

(Also, she was probably tired enough that she shouldn't be driving, but Barbara never let herself think about that.)

After finding out she'd missed something as big as her kid sneaking around to fight a secret magical war, Barbara was trying to reassert some boundaries between her time at work and the rest of her life.

Her phone announced that she'd missed a notification.

It was just an exclamation point. What had that been supposed to mean?

Barbara turned her phone off and drove home.

"I'm back, kiddo!"

"We're in the kitchen!"

'We' meant Jim and Toby. Jim was pulling a shepherd's pie out of the oven. Toby and Barbara both inhaled appreciatively.

"You said it's lean ground beef, right?" asked Toby. Jim smiled and rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Tobes. You know if you cut all the fat out of your diet you'd get protein poisoning, right? Mom, back me up."

Barbara took a moment to remember this. She wasn't a nutritionist – she'd encountered this concept in a novel a few years ago and looked it up to see if it was true.

"He's right," she said. "It's the rarest kind of food poisoning. Not much risk of it happening here and now." Not in a city in the United States, haven of processed and instant foods.

Jim portioned out the steaming vegetables and meat and mashed potatoes. Barbara added some sour cream to hers.

"Is Nana out tonight?" she asked Toby.

"Yeah, she and some of her chess buddies are doing a tournament. Informal, I think, but maybe a prize? Like, a gift certificate or something."

"We should see if we can get her and Mr Strickler to play a match sometime," said Jim. "I think I heard once that he's a grandmaster, but I don't know how often he plays anymore."

That combination, Nancy and Walt, made Barbara's brain click and remember the significance of that exclamation point she'd sent herself.

"So … it's been a month. Have you made any progress on telling your friends' families about trolls?"

Both boys froze.

"We gave Vendel a bunch of family stories," said Toby. "Once he's done reading it, we'll find out if we have permission or we're going behind everybody's backs."

"Guess I should warn him the clock's ticking again," said Jim.

"We could maybe tell people now and say we're LARPing, and tell the whole truth later?" Toby suggested. "That's what my therapist thinks is going on."

"You told your therapist?" asked Barbara and Jim together, in very different tones.

Jim's eyes were huge. He had a white-knuckled grip on his silverware. "Tell me you didn't use the word 'Trollhunter' in front of her."

"… No?" said Toby in confusion. "I just said your character was a magic knight on a quest to fight an evil troll."

Jim sighed. "Okay, that's generic enough it's probably safe. Don't use any specific names or terms, though."

"Dude, you seriously think someone is spying on a random high schooler's therapy appointments?"

"Someone is spying on a random high school's entire history class," Jim pointed out.

The rest of the meal was tense. After they were done eating and cleaning up, Toby went back home, and Jim went upstairs to do homework.

Jim's yearbook from the previous year was on one of the shelves in the living room. Barbara brought it over to the couch.

She could use this to get an idea of who Jim and Toby's classmates were, at least.

Jim didn't have many signatures in the book. There was Toby's, of course. The rest all had generic messages – "Have a great summer" from Eli Pepperjack, "Have fun this summer!" from Shannon Longhannon, "See you in September" and a doodled smiley face from Claire Nuñez, and "Enjoy summer break" from Seamus Johnson.

People Jim knew? Or random classmates he approached so he wouldn't look 'weird' for not caring about yearbook autographs?

Barbara made note of all the names. She felt like Jim had let slip that the other children who knew about trolls were girls, early on, but she couldn't quite remember for sure and didn't want to rule anyone out. She flipped to the class photos to match names to faces, so she could keep watch for the signatories hanging around her house or across the street.

+=+

Enrique carefully printed the English alphabet. It hadn't been that hard to mimic from a reference image, but this was his first time writing it independently. He haltingly hummed the song to keep track of his place.

"Pretty good," said Claire, reading over his shoulder. He fought the urge to turn and strike. He was (supposed to be) safe. Claire wasn't purposefully lurking in his blind spot to attack him. "Definitely way better than my first scribbles. I guess next you should learn to write your name."

On another piece of paper, she printed it for him to copy.

The first letter was N. Sensible enough. Except wasn't that one pronounced 'nuh' instead of 'en' when it was in a word and not the alphabet? He shrugged. Claire knew this writing system better than he did – if she said Enrique started with N, he'd go with it until he had some evidence otherwise.

The second letter was O. He frowned. That … didn't feel right. Shouldn't it be an R?

The third letter was T. He stopped.

"Read it," he said to Claire, trying not to growl.

"Not Enrique," she said, without shame. "You only copied the 'Not' part so far."

Angrily, Enrique scribbled out the letters he'd written so far and the bit he'd copied from. In fast, shaky letters he copied out the rest of it and underlined it.

"No," said Claire, getting angry in turn, "you don't get to use that name. That's my brother's name, not yours."

"The kid can share. It's mine now."

"Oh, come on," Claire scoffed. "You're, like, hundreds of years old. I get that Jim's used to being called 'Jim' after sixteen years in deep cover or whatever, but you can't possibly have gotten that attached to 'Enrique' in just a few months."

… Did she really not know?

"It's the only name I've got."

"Bullshit. Other trolls had to call you something when you were in the Darklands."

Now he growled for real. "That wasn't a name."

"What, some kind of codename system? Then I'd think you'd welcome the chance to start using your real name again."

"I don't know what it used to be!" he snapped. "No one exactly kept track of who they were grabbing. And if we lived, it was 'Changeling' this and 'Impure' that if it wasn't just 'hey you'! Enrique's the first name I can remember having and you don't get to take it away from me!"

He stood there breathing hard for maybe a full minute. He'd cracked the pen. There was gloppy ink on his clenched fist. He licked it off before ink could drip on the floor, and popped the plastic into his mouth.

Claire's voice, when she spoke again, was a lot softer.

"How did anyone tell the Changelings apart, if … if you didn't have names?"

Enrique snorted. "You think they bothered? One Changeling's as good or as bad as any other. S'probably part of why Jim and the big Boss Man were so quick to change sides when they had the chance."

"Even the other Changelings?"

"The rule about not getting attached starts early."

Claire looked like she was about to cry. That … that wasn't fair, she didn't get to make him feel bad for her when they were in the middle of a fight …

"We give each other nicknames, sometimes," he admitted. Imp had been a popular one, if nothing else about a Changeling stood out. "Us or the goblins. But then when we get up top, it's like a rite of passage, you know? We get a name then. Using the old nickname's … like an insult. Saying you weren't worth making a surface agent."

Claire blinked rapidly a few times, then hugged him. He almost clawed her before realizing it wasn't an attack.

"Oi, easy!"

"You can't have my brother's name," she said stubbornly. "But we'll figure something else out."

"Not exactly your call to make," Enrique retorted.

"Don't ruin the moment."

"What moment–?!"

+=+

Previous Chapter (Troll Dads become official!)

Table of Contents

Next Chapter (Angor Rot’s debut!)

Not featured in the above chapter: Jim's internal panic, as he frantically tries to figure out how much Toby has already told Dr Archenn and how to warn Toby off telling her anything else, without exposing yet another Changeling's identity to humans.

Featured in the above chapter: my headcanon that Otto addressing Not Enrique as 'Imp' in early Season 2 was a deliberate insult. I've actually got a different nickname in mind for Not Enrique, it just didn't feel natural to bring it up in this scene. Imp, short for Impure, is basically a 'starter nickname' that all Changelings have in the Darklands, until and unless something about them stands out enough that the other Changelings start calling them something else.

[loveau]

reverse-idol!renjun

QUICK NOTE: I have decided to move my writing works from @kyulkyungs​, so new works will be posted here!

request: Hey I wanted to request a reversed idol au for Renjun 💖 But could the idol!reader please be shy? I really liked the way it turned out in the au for jaemin. Sorry for my bad English. ❤️(Your English is amazing!!!!! Of course I an do this! Sorry for the late :()

others: doyoung (part 2) | jaehyun (part 2) | jaemin (part 2) | haechan (part 2) | jisung

renjun was a pretty quiet kid himself and didn’t really seem to do much outside club activities and school work

he also seemed pretty casual about his interests too, not really seeming like a big fan of many things

that was until he met you...

he had lots of friends in the industry already, a large majority of them being trainees still

and he would coo over them when they came to school exhausted and sore

he likes to care for them and tell them that their efforts will not be in vain and they’ll make it

honestly he’s the mom friend to all of them alongside a disgruntled haechan who roughly shoves their trainee friends water bottles all the time but will be constantly peeking to see if they’re staying hydrated

helps his friends practice all the time and that’s how he’s a pretty good dancer

but tries to wrangle their friend jisung to helping his friends out instead because that kid can really move <.<

instead he’s usually fretting over helping his friends not die from dehydration and not wreck their limbs when they wildly sling them about

he understands that his friends get really stressed due to competition and ensuring they’re still up to par and improving their skills even though he’s not in the industry

he just wants to help as much as he can

even if trainee!jaemin is constantly complaining about sore feet and a scratchy throat just so he can get free massages and candy when he’s actually running the best out of the others >.>

this eventually leads to him deciding to visit jaemin and some of the other trainees to give them some of those finger sandwiches that both he and haechan made to make sure they ate

except haechan couldn’t make it due to him needing to clean up the kitchen before his mom came home to see the mess of a thousand crusts and vegetables and multiple lunch meat containers

so there he has, waddling up to the company building he kept hearing about with two large boxes of food in his arms

despite him having multiple friends in this company, renjun had never really set foot in the building and didn’t know what to do

especially when it seemed like everyone was hard at work, so nobody was around to help him really

until you came running around the corner, seemingly late for practice

you almost barreled into renjun and knocked him over, but luckily you were also fast enough to catch yourself and dodge him

except this lead to you almost tripping over your own feet and coming to a skidding stop and waving your arms to regain your balance so you don’t faceplant into the floor

when you finally stopped flailing around, you took a quick look at the guy in front of you

you thought he was kinda cute and he thought the same of you

‘wow........ they’re cute..... i bet their position is the visual’

‘oh....... thank.......you?’

dang....... did he just say that aloud?

he doesn’t have a chance to continue being embarrassed over his slip up when you ask him if he’s lost

all he can do is nod so that he’s not stumbling over his words

he has to do all he can to avoid your eyes and keep from turning redder than he is

but the thing is... if he looked up he’d know you were doing the same

and you asked him if he was lost because he looked like a fish out of water in the building

it was a wonder you didn’t fumble out your question especially after receiving such an unexpected compliment

you’re angrily cursing the ceo’s and managers in your head at giving you the center position... could they nOT SeE hOw SHy yoU WErE?!?!!?!?

you wait for the guy to say where he’s trying to get to because you still need to know but ALSO???? you?? don’t know??!?!? how to keep going?!?!!?

eventually renjun gets it and he says he was trying to meet up with some of his friends, you might know jaemin because he’s pretty popular among the other trainees

and instantly you perk up like oh yeah! i know him!!! so you’re prepared to take him when you see him kinda struggling with the boxes of food

you offer to take one and renjun almost denies you but when he looks at your face he can’t bring himself to say no

the tips of your ears had turned red as if asking to help was so hard (and it kinda was since you were so awkward about it!!)

and renjun slowly let you take one of the boxes, careful not to spill

as you took one, it started to tip and the both of you shot out to catch it in time

by doing so, there was double the security around the box, but also... his hand had smacked itself on top of yours

when you were all squared away you quickly waddled off to the direction of the practice room you knew jaemin was in and it took your entire being to not spontaneously combust

the trip there felt like an eternity, with the both of you waddling and awkwardly avoiding eye contact with each other

eventually the two of you made it to the room

it was very clear you were at the correct place too given the loud yelling and laughter from inside, a telltale sign that jaemin was up to his antics again

renjun propped the door open with his foot and everyone stopped screaming to study the situation, but upon seeing him and the food the screaming resumed at an increased volume

“FOOD??!?!?! FOOD YOU BROUGHT FOOD!!!!”

in an almost comical way, the trainees stopped screaming to calmly address you and say their hellos, to which you responded in kind

they got back to screaming and jumping around happily moments after

you took this as your chance to slip away and get to your own practice room, as your break was pretty much over... 10 minutes ago

by the time renjun notices you’re gone he asks the others about you

“oh them? they’re debuting soon, dunno if you’ve seen the promotions!”

“yeah, you talked about the new group a couple times”

“yep... so, you think they’re cute, right?”

renjun all but goes up in FLAMES at this and tries to deny whatever the others start to pick up on teasing him about now

he keeps waving them off and trying to get out of this embarrassing situation

“stop! i mean yeah i let it slip, but i doubt i’ll even see them again besides on stage”

jaemin and the others share sneaky looks to each other and renjun yells at them not to plot anything

you best believe that they are tho

but after he goes back home, renjun decides to look up some stuff about your upcoming group

and lo and behold there were so many teaser images of member reveals and the group concept out already

and when jaemin said you were debuting soon....... yeah..... it was sOON

apparently the debut was confirmed to be within the next two weeks

and when he saw those teaser photos.... wow!!!! wOw!!!!! WOW!!! you were so...............

cute

he then proceeded to spend the rest of the night binging all of the predebut practices, covers, and videos that there were

he also faintly remembers a commotion in town and he didn’t even realize that it was your group busking in the square until he saw the date

he remembered because he was panicking about almost forgetting a birthday gift for one of his friends and there was a huge crowd he couldn’t get past lmao

but one thing he realizes is that you do a lot of the talking in videos???

like you’ll be the one introducing what dance you guys are doing or doing the general hellos and descriptions of what’s going on

but if you aren’t you’re kind of...... distracting yourself from the camera by playing with one of your members?

it was so strange! he didn’t understand since you were the one normally in the spotlight but to see that you were kind of avoiding it??? why????

he has half a mind to straight up ask jaemin but he realizes it’s like 4am and he has to get up in 2hrs lOL

he gets as much sleep as he can but tbh he looks like a zombie when he strolls into the classroom the next morning

he’s desperately trying to stay awake the whole lesson and his friends are lowkey slapping him during the lesson to make sure he’s up so he doesn’t get caught

he manages to get like 10 mins between breaks and stuff so he gradually gets better throughout the day, but he’s still so exhausted

eventually lunch comes by and he’s debating staying up the whole time to hang out with his friends or rapidly eat lunch (or as much as he can) and then conk out

before he can make the choice there’s a snack thrown onto his desk that startles him enough to wake up more

when he looks up he sees...... oh, how the universe likes to play jokes on him

you stand there with a smile and motion for him to eat it

“i’ve been there plenty of times. eat up, you’ll need some more energy to get through the day”

“i didn’t know you go here”

you almost laugh at how that was his immediate response rather than a thank you, but what else can you expect from a confused and sleep deprived boy

normally you wouldn’t go out of your way to do this and go eat with your friends at some table where the attention could be anywhere but you

but since it was kind of empty where you were..... and he looked so tired

plus he was a friend of jaemin’s so there’s no harm in talking to him!!!! you are just a friend of his friend helping him out because you’re nice and totally not because you were shy and it was awkward the amount of time you were standing there!!!

you totally didn’t throw the snack at him because you were in a panic lowkey for standing there and didn’t know what else to do and totally didn’t want to awkwardly stumble up to him and ask him if he wanted a snack

you were about to run off because this is so awkward time to scream about this to your friends now!!11!!!!

bUT!!!!! he stops you by deciding to speak to you and you don’t want to be rude so you sort of fumble there like.....

‘i..... i do go here.... that’s why i know jaemin pretty well and help him out sometimes’ you reply in reference to his earlier question

he nods and opens the snack, which is when you think you can make your escape but NOPE

‘oh yeah, you’re debuting soon right?’

at this you’re a little more comfortable answering since you get asked the question a lot and are used to informing people about what’s going on

‘yeah, we debut in a couple weeks. have you seen the promotions?’

renjun nods again but he can’t bring himself to tell you the reason why he was tired was literally because he was learning everything about your group and the members and he was super curious about your presence on camera

he didn’t want to pry but he just noticed???? it was eating at him and he had you there

‘do you....... want to eat lunch with me?’ i bet he screamed like YES in his head for asking you because he wanted to ask you but also....... you big cute 👀

you shifted on your feet for a second and eventually agreed because what harm can it do? plus he seems nice?

the walk to get your lunch went by quickly because you didn’t want him to wait or think that you had decided to ditch him, and when you came back he hadn’t started eating yet

it was kind of cute to see that he had waited for you even though you knew he was probably dead tired and starving

the shuffle over to him was so awkward because you weren’t entirely sure what to do and instead opted for turning the desk in front of his around so you guys could have your own space to eat

by the time you got all settled and ready to eat you saw him still looking at you

‘oh, go ahead and eat. i wanna make sure you’re gonna eat and not skip on your meal. sorry if it felt like you were pressured to eat with me...’ renjun’s apology kind of just....... warms you up???

like the awkwardness is slowly melting away with his concern and kindness like ??!?!?!?!!

he just wants to make sure you’re eating and healthy before he eats even though he’s about to pass out in a couple minutes akfslnsfkjgn

but still that’s so...... sweET!

you started eating and shortly after you had taken the first bite he dug in as well

you didn’t really know what to say but you found that you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything because you noticed that the first thing he was eating was.....

the snack you had given him

you’re not sure entirely why but your heart does a mini skip seeing how happy he is???

it makes you lowkey clam up and now you dunno what to say at aLL AND OH NO YOUR FACE IS SO RED!

luckily he breaks the silence and comments how good the snack is and how it has that refreshing fruity taste

you’re about to reply back something mundane until he goes

“like you!”

aflknadfksng huh?

he slightly turns pink and averts his gaze real quick and he’s just oh oOPS did i say that out loud..... again?

except this time while you were steaming up a storm in your cheeks, he decided to pull out all his confidence and look right back in your eyes

and you hadn’t looked away because you were so shocked and sputtering and trying to make sure your food went down

he smiles and is like

“well........ i mean, you are really cute! you’re really nice to look at! you’re like a spring breeze”

and at this you are really surprised you haven’t combusted by now

the rest of lunch goes by smoothly and renjun tries to get to know you as best as he can 

it’s still pretty awkward since you’re not really sure what to do with him besides eat and reply to some pretty common questions.......

but you find yourself sitting with him the next day???

and the next, and another, and maybe a small hangout after school because he asked

for some reason you can’t say no even though your heart is hammering in your chest due to....... nervousness, yeah it’s that

the mood between the two of you is still around the same but you’re very slowly warming up!!!

your shy smiles and hiding behind your hair or hands is slowly molding into soft giggles and laughs

and renjun couldn’t be happier!!!! he actually really likes looking at your smile even if his stomach does little flips

after like a week or two of eating lunch together and slowly getting to know each other, you’re suddenly not at lunch?

he’s so confused because he saw you enter the school building and waved at you while you waved back and were with some of your other friends

he waited a couple more minutes but decided to go looking for you because you never said anything?

but of course he was also just assuming that you would eat lunch with him continuously and would keep eating with him

he knew you were shy but all of a sudden he had doubts that you were just eating with him so he wouldn’t get offended that you ate lunch with him once and then dipped

what if you didn’t like him at all?

was he too much? he did kind of blurt out he wanted to eat with you...

he almost tripped when he went out into the hall to search for you because he was so distracted

he caught himself and he saw... you sitting out there in the hall alone

there were no other passerby, all of the students having gone to the lunch area or wherever else

he was still so confused but all his doubts and fears about scaring you away were gone once he saw how troubled you looked even though a majority of it was covered by shock and confusion from him rushing out

you’re scrambling upwards to stand with him and wiping hastily at your face to cover up the panicked blush and whatever else until renjun grabs your hands and sits you back down

he sits with you in front of you and in the most comforting voice you’ve ever heard he asks “do you want to talk about it?”

you’re usually not used to discussing your doubts about debuting and training with others

but renjun seems so sure and supportive about this that you can’t help but open up to him?

he’s done this countless times with his other trainee friends so he knows the signs and it’s very clear on your face that you’re going through it

he waits patiently for you to tell him no since he doesn’t expect that you will open up so confidently

and you haven’t known him for long, at most you’re just new friends and he’s always the one initiating the conversation with you

but................

you find yourself nodding and taking a deep breath

if anything, renjun’s smile and silence making you that much more comfortable

maybe it’s just that he’s a familiar face?? yeah... probably

you’re still unsure of how to phrase the words correctly and worry that you’re making him impatient, but renjun shows no signs of this

eventually it just comes out as “i don’t want to be center”

you keep going that you feel so uncomfortable with all that attention and you don’t understand why you’re put into that role at all....

there’s a lot of pressure and more importantly a lot of eyes and judgement

you can’t even bring yourself to talk to someone new without turning into a tomato or staying silent a lot of the time and it makes you frustrated even more at your situation

all renjun does is ponder in silence and you begin to think that it was stupid opening up

but then he speaks

“i see where you’re coming from”

this comes somewhat as a shock to you

some trainees you’ve also talked to would agree with you and it made you feel so inadequate

or others would deny your words so readily and it made you wonder if their words were fake or not

the way renjun was telling you.... he seemed to do neither

“i haven’t seen you perform so i can’t really be the judge of that”

“do you want to watch a practice one day?”

the words came out of your mouth before you knew it and all of a sudden you wish you were a rock so you didn’t have to live this embarrassing life

“sure! i’m not sure if i’m allowed since i do mainly sneak in to give food to my other friends, but if you’ll allow me then i’ll happily come!”

you’re unable to retract your words because you’re such a stumbling mess over seeing how willingly he agreed and the prospect of him coming to watch and

oH NO WHAT WILL YOUR BANDMATES SAY

you manage to keep quiet about it for a couple days after it happened

you can’t even think about it without remembering how earnest he looked and then getting red because he’ll be there and oh GOLLY he’s there for YOU!!!

surprisingly your members don’t comment about how you mess up during the first couple of practices because all you can think of is renjun sitting rIGHT THERE IN THE CORNER

and it’s not bad at all either!!! it makes you...... excited??

after the first couple of mess ups and practices, you only start improving

and luckily it’s at that point in time does renjun drop in on a practice

you were taking a bathroom break and he had wandered in after getting guided by jaemin to your group’s room

and he had explained the whole thing to them and all of them immediately had the >:) face going on

by the time you got back they acted like everything was normal and you got into position for another runthrough until you saw........

hE’s THeRe in thE CorNER anD yOU’re Not HalLuCinAting!!!!!!!

he waves at you and the members nudge you because you’re supposed to be ready and oh no you can’t help it

you’re so conflicted about melting into a puddle or just performing because he’s here to watch BUT AT THE SAME TIME HE’S HERE TO WATCH!!!

you make the split second decision and decide to perform the dance just like you’re supposed to with the added effort of looking good because HELLO you have an audience!!!

his presence eventually melds away by the second chorus and you almost forget he’s there

it’s not scary to have him watch you either.... it’s like how you used to dance in front of your parents and you wanted to show them the new routine you just made up

you wanted to show him your talents proudly and have him see how good you were

once the song ends you’re panting and all of a sudden coming to the strange sound of clapping

you’re so used to the others panting or making comments or whining for another waterbreak or not wanting to do another dance

but once you remember that renjun is there you want to hide your face in your hands

because omg he’s watched you and you still don’t understand why you’re the center when you freeze up like this afterwards!

the only thing stopping you from running off is the look of pure awe in renjun’s eyes

it stuns you to see how much emotion is swirling in them and when he runs up to you excitedly you can see it that much clearer

“i see it now!”

you were expecting something like ‘that was amazing’ or ‘you did well!’ or something but!

huh???

the confusion is clear on your face and renjun wastes no time in explaining to you

“i get it! you’re the center”

the other members leave the room while you’re caught up with him to give you a moment of privacy, not wanting to disturb you and make you nervous with an audience watching

but you pay no mind to them and your attention remains on him

“i...... am the center, yes?”

you feel yourself get warm under his intense gaze but his grin lets you know he’s not scrutinizing you

“yeah! you’re the center and have every right to be!”

you look around to your members for help and only then do you realize that they have left

you can only imagine the looks on their faces and the teasing words that’ll come out later

“your energy is unmatched! everyone dances very well, but you have a certain stage presence that just outshines them!! no offense, but there’s clearly a difference between you and them. while they’ve worked very hard, it’s almost natural for you! my eyes could never leave you for a moment”

you suddenly feel warm and it’s not because of the embarrassed blush reaching your ears

it’s a warmness that spreads from your stomach outwards to the tips of your fingers and toes

you think you should be blushing at the sincerity of his words but your awed look mirrors your own

“do you know how much power you’d have on stage? you looked like you were in another world of your own!”

you think back to that moment and yes... it really did feel different

you’re so used to the nerves of performing and getting it all right in the practice room, but with him watching there it was different

“i think... having you there made me better”

his grin molds into an open mouthed state of shock

you wave your hands around before he can start assuming things but you’re pretty sure any of his assumptions would be right

“i just!!! i wanted to perform well and make sure my talent was known!!!!!! it’s NOT ANYTHING WEIRD AT ALL!!! it’s differeNT WITh AN AUDIENCE!”

renjun’s shocked face turns back into a grin

however this time it’s sly

had you known what was going on in his mind, you’d know he was all but ready to combust and internally scream

“if you want... i can continue sitting in on performances to get you more comfortable with an audience”

before you can agree he forces down the pounding in his chest and winks

“plus, i get to watch you destroy the show! i’ll try not to be too much when i look at how cute you are during the point dance”

[atalana]

Alright, I’ve just spent 17 hours absorbing the epilogue, and in true Dirk Strider fashion, I have Thoughts.

I had plenty of responses I’ve been considering to this, about two hours ago I was honestly thinking of just dropping in with a fuckin one liner like “So Dirk Three wrote the epilogue” (Dirk Three kinda did write the epilogue, and I’ll explain that too), but we’re on the fucking essay train now and no one’s getting off it any time soon so it’s time to dive into this fucker and get it all off my chest.

Under the cut you will find essays on Dirk, cherubs, ultimate selves, both major Dirk fics (Detective Pony and Theatre of Coolty), a bunch of story bullshit, and my severe love for all Homestuck characters

(But very little criticism of the epilogue, I am no longer about that life)

So the prologue is important here. It’s the main bit of accurate information we have, not tainted by an unreliable narrator. (Well, it is, but less so). The prologue tells us that, with the characters outside of canon, they are becoming their ultimate selves, particularly the characters most susceptible to such knowledge, like seers, or heart players.

Now Homestuck wrestles a lot with the idea of the ultimate self. It is, as defined by the text, the true thing a person is, an amalgamation of every possible version of themselves. It is not a viable human being, because that’s not how human beings work. It basically amounts to Hussie’s character rules, like, there are some ways that these characters will be always, some things they’re prone to, things they like, decisions they’re likely to make, but who the person is within that is subject to extreme change depending on circumstance. The four people who embody this narrative most clearly are Vriska, Terezi, Davepeta, and Dirk.

I’m still not 100% sure on why the ultimate selves outside of canon thing is, but my best guess would be this - within the story, there’s a definite timeline, right? Like, these are the things that are written down, this is what you can see, the word of god (loaded phrase, thanks Dirk), the things that you look at when trying to apply death of the author (even more loaded phrase, thanks Hussie, also thanks Calliope). There’s more than one timeline, sure, but that’s the point, everyone is who they are within that timeline, affected by what happened to make them who they became. Outside of canon is, well, outside of the story. They’re not affected by the story here, they’re just characters. This is a fanfiction site. And what does fanfic do best? It takes the characters, takes who they are, pulls them out of the story, and shoves them in wherever it likes, to become whoever it is they become. And thus who the character is exactly becomes murky and confusing if you’re trying to jam them all into one thing, and it all gives Rose Lalonde a headache. Ultimate selves.

Davepeta liked their ultimate self, it helped two kids who were otherwise struggling with unsatisfying ultimate selves to become a better whole.

Vriska took the proactive approach, by which I mean bullying her other selves into letting her become the ultimate Vriska, which was ultimately useless and gave her no ultimate self at all

Terezi saw her ultimate self, and is still processing what that means for her (but also Terezi is still in canon, so she’s immune to epilogue bullshit)

And Dirk, god, poor Dirk. Dirk was terrified of it. Because he could see his ultimate self and he knew that’s not the kind of person he wanted to become. (And this is where I start using the Theatre of Coolty numbers because there’s no other way to get through this, if you haven’t read/seen it you 100% should, but as a general note, Dirk One is the main Dirk we know, Dirk Two is Brain Ghost Dirk, Dirk Three is “Trickster Dirk” but actually revealed later to be Hussie, Dirk Four is Hal)

Because here’s the thing. Dirk’s ultimate self is him, but it’s also Hal. It’s also BGD. It’s also Bro. And Dirk One was never as bad as he thought he was, but he surrounded himself with copies of himself, so he knew how bad he could be, and tried everything he could to avoid it. We have actual canon confirmation on multiple occasions that Dirk would so much rather kill himself than become the kind of person capable of hurting his friends. Which only got worse after he met Dave and realised Bro existed, like, that just doubled his resolve to Never Be That Person.

(Hey, fun hypothetical, if you kill yourself to stop yourself becoming a bad person because you know it’s inevitable but you’re too good a person to want to go through with it, is it heroic or just? Because I would like to have a lengthy discussion with the god tier clock!)

God, there’s so much I can write on the subject of Dirk’s ultimate self. Because you can see every version of him inside there, there’s Bro in his possessiveness, Hal in his need to fuck with people for no real reason, BGD in his hyper critical nature (beyond what is normal for all Dirks), Dirk One in his desire to never let anyone hurt him again. (God, the “I’ll never let you break my heart again” line hurt so much, because like… I can feel Dirk One in that line, but it’s delivered by ultimate Dirk, and ultimate Dirk isn’t the kind of person who would have even been heartbroken by Jake’s actions. Dirk One poured his soul into that relationship and Jake responded by ignoring him, and like, this isn’t a dig on Jake, because that did make Dirk very intense and hard to deal with, but as Calliope so beautifully put, the children left alone are those who most despair at being ignored. And every version of Dirk was so very alone.)

When sending initial thoughts to my friend, I wrote “Ultidirk is Dirk One but without the compassion or empathy and with an apparently infinite supply of horse tranquilizers”. Which was mostly a joke, but does get down to the core of the problem. Dirk One and Ultidirk aren’t really that different, when it comes down to it. But there’s one crucial element that makes all the difference. Dirk One’s life philosophy is “This is a me problem, so I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you don’t have to deal with that problem, at any cost”. Ultidirk’s life philosophy is “This is a me problem, so I’m going to make it everyone else’s problem. And it turns out that without basic human empathy and morality holding him back, Ultidirk will just… fucking declare himself God, and use that alongside his powers of manipulation to just write a new story in which he is the villain. Very little changes in the scale of things.

(The other main difference is that Dirk One is scared to exist, whereas every other Dirk is scared to not exist, that’s the stuff, good callback, etc etc, that line fucking killed me, and also killed whatever remnant of Dirk One was still lurking inside Ultidirk and god I want to hug him)

(I also want to extract him from Ultidirk and bring him on an Ultidirk murdering quest bc he would be 100% down for that without a second’s hesitation but that’s a bit hard to do)

Now you may be wondering why I brought up Theatre of Coolty if I was only gonna refer to Dirk One as Dirk One and not touch on any of the others. Well, it’s true, saying Dirk Two and Dirk Four when I have simple three letter names for both of them is a bit ridiculous. But then we get to Dirk Three.

Now here’s the thing about Theatre of Coolty. Dirk One appears in Homestuck, as alpha Dirk, in Dirk’s usual shirt with the orange hat. Dirk Two appears in Homestuck, as brain ghost Dirk in god tier pyjamas. Dirk Four appears in Homestuck as Hal, and he wears a red hat because he’s Dirk in a different colour scheme, also because the sprite Hussie eventually made for him based on fanon had a red hat, all’s sorted there.

But Dirk Three? Trickster Dirk? Never appeared in Homestuck. They tried, but it was still Dirk One. Dirk is immune to cherubic influence (remember this point too, it’s important), because his concept of self is so present (and also because he’s depressed as fuck, but that doesn’t necessarily exclude you, it’s just the presence of both at once). And who does Dirk Three turn out to be? Well, they said it from the start, Theatre of Coolty is about the presence or absence of god, who definitely will show up at some point. Dirk Three is Hussie in a Dirk costume, Dirk Three is God, Dirk Three is The Author.

Dirk Three is Ultidirk. Congrats, all four Dirks have officially shown up in Homestuck, to whatever extent this counts as Homestuck, an extent which has been thoroughly documented by its own existence bc this is Homestuck (kinda) and you gotta lean into the bullshit or you’ll drown in it.

So yes, this was penned by Dirk Three. Who is also Lord English in two different metaphorical ways now (The trickster element, and also the fact that the epilogues insist on making Jane a second Condesce, which in this analogy puts Dave as himself and Dirk as, you guessed it, Cherub Master of All. Which is additionally insulting as fuck because Dirk grew up in that apocalypse and would never contribute to recreating it, if Jane ever was inclined to, which she isn’t, but you know).

And LE’s major force of opposition? Adult Calliope. (Also, like, Vriska, but symbolically it’s the other cherub.)

Which brings me to the main point of this essay, and that is that all of this? It’s a cherub fic. And we knew this, from the moment we were offered that choice. Meat or Candy? Well, neither of them are sustainable food sources for humans, not with the meat uncooked like that. They’re not satisfying endings for us either. But it’s all cherubs eat. (Well, that and special stardust, but that was Caliborn’s intermission. This is Calliope’s offering.)

Which again feeds back into the AO3 metaphor because from their introduction, Caliborn and Calliope have been fandom inserts, representing all of us, for better or worse. They read the story, come up with the theories, they write the fanfic.

And Calliope’s trying so hard. But she’s not human. She doesn’t get it, not on a way that connects with the characters, only with the text. Cherubs spend their lifetime alone. Cherubs only have black romance. Cherubs think trickster mode is an acceptable way to solve problems.

And, as Dirk pointed out back when he was still himself, everyone getting married and having a bunch of babies for no reason doesn’t solve shit.

Without a solid timeline, everyone became susceptible to becoming their ultimate selves. Ultidirk is a dick with the powers of actual capital g God, and none of the remorse of Dirk One, so he took control of the narrative. And so Calliope, the fanfic author, the one with the power to write a new story (with the exception of Dirk, as previously mentioned, he’s immune to cherub bullshit, and John and Terezi, who are still in canon), tried to help everyone realise their full potential.

But she made them selfish. She made them solitary. She doesn’t understand how humans work, so they became parodies of themselves. In meat, there’s a plot, but it’s insubstantial, because no one is truly themselves, facing a Dirk who lost himself years ago. In candy, it’s fluff with, again, no substance. It’s trickster mode calmed down. Everyone gets married and has babies, but it makes no sense, and everyone’s miserable.

And John Dirk and Terezi are the only ones who see it, because they’re the ones who haven’t been given to Calliope. But what’s the point, when they’ve lost their power over the story? What’s the point of gaining power if you’re not yourself anymore? (And one way or another, they all die in the end.)

The rest of them… Well, they do the things the narrative implied they would do, but usually in the worst possible way.

(Aradia and Sollux have been canon neutral since 2011 and they like it that way)

And now we go back to Detective Pony, like everyone and their mother have analysed already. Because yeah, these two things have so much in common, but also, some really crucial differences.

Both are stories in which Dirk takes control of the narrative, in which he is fought for control by another author figure, in which he considers his own role in the story, what he’s created, who’s got the authority (I still love that pun so much), and eventually forces the characters to come to the conclusion that he needs to be defeated, because at the end of the day Dirk is still hopelessly suicidal and like most problems the kids have, this is never addressed outside of ironic bullshit. (Not to him anyway, it’s kinda addressed in candy but I think if you’re talking about someone’s suicidal tendencies at their funeral it’s too fucking late).

But Detective Pony is ultimately a heavily veiled love letter to his friends. Detective Pony is Dirk exploring what he fears becoming, it’s him learning to let go, and eventually he relinquishes control of the book to the characters in it (as does Jeanne Betancourt).

Meat is Dirk’s notice of ownership over his friends. It’s him glorifying having become that thing he used to fear, it’s holding even tighter to everything he fears losing, and ultimately neither he nor Calliope trust the characters enough to pull back. They’re both obsessed with it, in both iterations, this battle between the two of them, even though it was never supposed to be about either of them.

But Detective Pony has an original story, with a timeline. It even has a second solid story for Dirk to come from, since Homestuck itself explicitly states when and why Dirk made it. When Detective Pony sits down to analyse which version of the text is better, it has that substance to fall back on. Jeanne Betancourt’s version is boring but kind. Dirk’s is interesting but cruel. And because the characters are all solid people, not their hazy ultimate selves, they have agency too, and can decide their own fate.

When Dirk analyses whose version is better in the epilogue, his whole reasoning is that neither is good. The characters rarely have any agency. Even the few moments, between Roxy’s void powers and Dave’s ability to stand up to Bro (which, by the way, so proud of him, how many people do you know who, in a situation where their childhood guardian and abuser literally became god and tried to thought influence them into doing something they kinda wanted to do already, would have the mental resilience to say “no, this isn’t me, stop that” and stand by that? Dave is the strongest goddamn character in this whole comic, holy shit), are only hints of who they were as real characters in the story. Dirk takes control, in one version, because he’s lost himself to Ultidirk, who’s overly concerned with how stories are supposed to be written, and tries to wrestle Homestuck into a shape he finds interesting. In the other, Dirk kills himself before he can hurt anyone. (And before anyone gets on my case about Dirk’s reasoning being he’s lost his purpose, his purpose was always protecting his friends.)

But Calliope’s not helping them either, just piling them full of romance and fluff and selfish parodies of themselves and thinking that’ll work out. Giving the villains “redemption” without ever actually letting them redeem themselves. Explaining all about their tragic backstories without doing anything with it. To bring back a very old quote, it’s like when Mario gets the star. He wins, but he’s denying himself many powerful moments of catharsis.

Just with less happiness, more death, and a bunch of weirdly political teen drama. And then when Calliope gets distracted by Ultidirk and gives up, everything unravels completely, but it also lets them live a life which does let some of the characters be happy, in a weird roundabout way. It’s dysfunctional as fuck, but these characters care so much for each other, not even being in a weird self melting fanon bubble could erase that completely. (And then things get buck fucking wild because this is still Homestuck we’re talking about)

(Though seriously, I could have done without the Jane is a fascist thing, she deserves better than that. Like what was the point of decrockertiering her if she was just gonna go right back to that? Also I love Dave but he barely has a leg to stand on in most of those political arguments anyway given how he completely destroyed LoHaC’s economy and once accused Karkat of communism for captchaloguing a chair. And while I’m complaining, Jake English is still not being allowed to consent to fucking anything.)

I’m not sure why this was written. I’m not sure why a lot of things in Homestuck were written, honestly. It’s certainly not a satisfying ending, but I don’t think it was supposed to be. It’s not disappointing either, and it’s definitely interesting, with all of Homestuck’s trademark humor.

When I first wrote this halfway through candy, I’d written the following as an ending:

“But if we’re going to triple kill the author, I think this is just ultimately validating everyone’s own interpretation of the ending. You can’t write everyone’s fanfic at once. You can’t be a cherub, or a god, we don’t write fic about people’s ultimate selves. What you can do is provide a timeline for them to exist in, and a better one, where they have a chance to be the people they have the potential to be. And just to be happy, in a way that feels real.”

But honestly, now? I think the point was just to fuck with us, and also do a fuckton of exposition about canon and the nature of reality

So fuck it, let’s end on a relevant Dirk quote

[jj-lives]

Keep it Together (sing sing)- bmblb

“Can we make cookies for dessert?”

Ruby’s hopeful voice reaches Yang’s ears where she’s sitting on the couch watching the news.  It’s supposed to rain again the next day, which doesn’t bode well. Another day without pay won’t kill them, but it’s definitely not helping their situation.

“I don’t think so.” Yang flips the channel to some cartoons she knows Ruby likes and returns to the stove where she’s left Ruby in charge of stirring their dinner. “We don’t have the stuff to make cookies.”  Yang looks over her younger sister’s shoulder, approving of the soup’s unburnt appearance and smell. “Good job Ruby, looks delicious.”

“Can I go watch t.v. now?” The younger sibling asks, dropping the spoon already anticipating her answer.  

“Yeah, go on.”

Taking up the spot Ruby vacates, Yang stirs the mix of meat and vegetables.  There’s decidedly more vegetables than meat and even more broth than vegetables.  But there’s enough to last a few meals which will get them pretty close to payday.  

“Can you not go get stuff for cookies?”

Ruby’s using her puppy dog eyes when Yang turns to acknowledge her.  It hurts, because Yang would love to go out and get the cookie dough, come home and spend the evening making and eating them with Ruby.  She wants to give her sister all the things she deserves, the things that make her happy, the things Yang never got to have. But there’s literally less than a dollar in her bank account.  

“Not today.” Is all Yang can muster to say as she turns back to taste the soup.  The carrots are cooked all the way through so she turns off the stove and grabs a couple bowls from the cupboard.  She dishes them both equal amounts, making sure to pour more broth than anything in her own bowl. Ruby needs the nutrients more than she does, the youngest is still growing after all.  

They eat on the couch, in front of the television, laughing between bites at the cartoon shenanigans on the screen.  When Ruby’s finished Yang grabs her bowl and cleans up the mess dicing vegetables has caused on the kitchen counter. When everything is clean once more Yang glances at the clock on the stove.

“Ruby, it’s time to get ready for bed.”

“No, one more episode!” She’s demanding, which means she’s tired and experience has taught Yang that prolonging the inevitable only results in a larger argument.  

“No, get ready for bed.” Yang uses her stern voice so Ruby knows she means business.  Ruby only has two choices, she can either obey and head to bed or she can use the only other trump card in her deck. She chooses the latter.

“Dad would le-“

“But he’s not here, is he?” Yang cuts her off turning towards her, anger flaring.  He isn’t the one putting a roof over her head. He isn’t the one going to school and holding a full time job just so Ruby doesn’t have to realize how fucked up everything is.  He doesn’t care about them and Yang’s sick of Ruby using him as an excuse to not listen to her.

Ruby dips her head ashamed, but she quickly presses a button on the remote in her hand.  The light from the television disappears and Ruby makes her way silently, sheepishly to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Anger deflating, Yang suddenly feels guilt.  Ruby doesn’t know how bad she struggles, because she never lets it show.  She’s always made a point of not letting her negative emotions show around her younger sibling.  Tai’s bad parenting has already taken its toll on her, she wasn’t about to let it affect Ruby’s innocence too.  Yang just wishes she had more money, a better job, just anything really to have set aside. She really would like to be able to have a nest egg where she could take a little out of to give Ruby the things she asked for.  She really doesn’t ask for much, cookies and small treats. Her requests should be achievable, and Yang is blessed that Ruby’s one that can take enjoyment out of the smallest things.

She sits up for another hour before following her sister to bed.  She might not have work but she still has school in the morning.

—-

Yang storms out the front doors of the school. She hates her Physics teacher with a passion.  No matter how hard she tries, she just can’t grasp the concepts. She’s good at math, so she has to assume it’s more his teaching methods than anything else, but he continually calls on her for the answers he knows she doesn’t have. She despises being embarrassed that way.  She’s a smart student, has above average grades, but he makes her feel stupid. Yang has enough negative thoughts about herself, enough doubts on if she’s doing things right when it comes to Ruby, she doesn’t need some pompous teacher making her feel worse about herself. She’s debated dropping out to get a second job- it would help with the money situation - but Yang knows that isn’t what’s right for her.  She doesn’t want to be a negative influence on Ruby, and Yang desperately does want to graduate.

She waits for Ruby in the parking lot, beside the beat up rusted junk she calls her car.  It isn’t much, but she needs it to get to her job. Yang doesn’t even want to think of what they would do if it broke down.  She barely has enough for rent and food to last between paydays, what would they do if she had to fork over any more on fixing her junk of a car?

Ruby’s taking longer than usual, probably caught up talking to one of her many friends.  Yang doesn’t mind waiting today, she doesn’t have to work even though the clouds are dispersing.  She’s happy to wait if Ruby’s enjoying herself. Plus, the fact Yang is probably going to have to pull a double shift to make up for the rain impacting the crews completion schedule doesn’t have her excited for tomorrow.  She’s happy to relax at least for one night.

Laughter brings Yang’s attention to a group of girls her own age.  Yang’s seen them around school, a couple may have even been her friends in an earlier lifetime.  There’s also the new girl; Blake was her name. Yang supposes she isn’t really new, having moved into the area the year before, but in their small town where no one moves into or out of she is still the new girl in Yang’s mind.  

She’s nice enough, from the interactions Yang has witnessed her in.  She hasn’t said a negative word to anyone as far as Yang knows, and generally has a positive standing with most students and teachers.  It’s not something that can be said for all of Blake’s friends however.

“Hey orphan, what are you looking at?”  Yang grits her teeth to stop from escalating the situation.  They’ll soon leave.

“She’s not an orphan, Chelsea.” Another speaks up, Yang can’t tell if she’s defending her or just a know-it-all needing to set the facts straight.

“Even worse,” Chelsea supplies, her perfect brunette hair bouncing as she swings her head in Yang’s direction, blue eyes burning with mischief. “Just means Blondie here wasn’t worth sticking around for.”  Her friends snicker at her comment but Yang notices Blake isn’t one of them.

Blake’s eyes switch from her cruel friends to meet Yang’s for the first time.  Her bodies reaction to the eye contact surprises Yang. The girl is pretty, beautiful even, but her eyes are piercing and it unnerves Yang’s usual confidence enough for her to actually take a shuffled step away from the raven haired girl.  She feels something jab sharply into the small of her back and she winces - she’s fallen back onto the mirror of the car behind her.

Blake’s friends roar louder, Yang’s pain adding to their amusement. The ears, so adorably perched atop Blake’s head twitch, one in the direction of her friends and one trained on Yang.  Blake notices they catch Yang’s attention and she narrows her amber eyes, challenging her? Yang isn’t sure what the look means.

“Hey, sis. Let’s go!”  Ruby bounds to the passenger side of the car, brushing unknowingly past the group of girls making Yang their sport. “Hey, can we get that stuff for cookies today?”

Yang shifts her gaze to her sister over the hood of the car. “Not today.”

“That’s what you said yesterday!” She complains.

“Maybe on the weekend.” Yang tries to placate her, noticing they’re still being scrutinized by the group behind Ruby. “Now get in.”

“Can we get ice cream then?” She’s switching treats thinking Yang’s just not into her cookie idea, and Yang would be touched that she’s thinking of her wants but that isn’t the issue.

“Get in the car, Ruby.” Yang tries more sternly.

“Is that a yes?” She asks hopeful.

“It’s a no.  Let’s go.”

“Why not?”

Glancing over Ruby’s shoulder Yang sees the group of girls whispering quietly to each other.  She knows they won’t stay silent for long, and although she’s sure Ruby doesn’t catch on to the reason she’s denying her, Yang knows the others can guess.  She desperately wants Ruby to get in the car before the older girls point out the unpleasant truth but her sister’s being extra stubborn and Yang doesn't want to make more of a scene by going into parental mode.

“Let’s go guys.” Yang’s eyes dart to find the source of the soft voice and she finds it came from Blake.  Amber eyes hold hers for a moment before they shift to her friends. “I need to get home, and you guys are my ride.” And with that Blake turns and walks further down the row of cars.  Her friends pause, but just shoot Yang matching glares before they move to follow their friend.

Ruby asks three more times on the way home before giving up on the idea of any treats that day.  It digs at Yang’s heart every time she has to deny her. She can tell Ruby isn’t pleased at having the same meal as the night before but she thankfully doesn’t voice her displeasure.  

“You have any homework?” Knowing the answer before she even asks.  Ruby is an honours student and always seems to finish any homework in class.

“Nope.”

Yang hums in response and moves to sit at their rarely used kitchen table.  She’s working on one of the Physic questions that stumped her earlier when she hears a knock at the door.  Confused, because they don’t get visitors, Yang quickly panics wondering if she forgot to pay rent but her bank account proves that she has.

Before she can move Ruby is already swinging the door open, like a visitor is a common occurrence.

“Yang, it’s for you.” Ruby calls, still standing at the door, staring at whoever is on the other side.

“What?” Yang stands and takes a step towards the door.

“It’s one of your friends from school.” Her answer confuses Yang even more.  She doesn’t have any friends, but when she steps around her sister she comes face to face with Blake.

“Hello.” Her voice is just as soft and eyes just as piercing as earlier and Yang is having trouble processing.  

“Hi.”  They stand in silence for an awkward moment and even Ruby seems to notice because she speaks up when neither of the older girls seem to be in a hurry to do so.

“Do you want to come in?” Ruby asks, opening the door wider. “I like your ears by the way.”

“Ruby!” Yang scolds, tearing her eyes from Blake to shoot her sister a disapproving look.

“What?” She asks perplexed. “They’re cute, don’t you think?”

“I-“ Yang turns back to the girl in their doorway, looking for any signs that she’s been affronted by Ruby’s unfiltered nature.  She can’t help but glance up at the ears Ruby has just mentioned. They twitch ever so slightly and Yang can feel her face heat up because yes, they are completely adorable.  

Blake’s melodious laughter fills the room and Yang meets her eyes once more.  They’re less penetrating than before, more gentle in their scrutinizing of the two sisters.

“I was hoping you two would like to join me for some ice cream.”

“Oh my god, yes!” Ruby is already shoving her feet into her shoes before the words can even process fully in Yang’s mind.

“I don’t think-“

“My treat.” Blake cuts her off, giving Yang a pointed look before softening her gaze and looking to Ruby.

“Does that mean I can’t get my usual?” Yang’s about to tell her to just get a normal cone instead of the giant monstrosity she usually gets but Blake speaks up before she can.

“You can get whatever you want.  I’m getting an extra large sundae so I’d rather not look like a pig on my own.”

Ruby squeals and rushes passed Blake, already bounding down the stairs. “Hurry up Yang!” She calls over her shoulder.

“You don’t have to do this.” Yang states but shoves her feet in her shoes anyway.  Ruby isn’t going to take no for an answer now.

“I know, but I want to.” Is Blake’s simple reply.

“Why? You don’t even know us.” Yang asks, stepping out into the hall, locking the door behind them.  “And how did you even know where we live?”

Blake chuckles. “Your car is pretty easy to recognize, and I only needed to knock on a few doors to find out which one is yours.”

“There’s no privacy in this world anymore.” Yang grits, glaring at the neighbours doors they pass, slowly following Ruby’s path.

Blake’s soft laugh at her comment pulls a smile from Yang.

“You know.” Blake speaks up, smiling coyly. “That’s the first time I’ve ever seen you smile.”

“What? I smile.” Yang defends.

“Not that I’ve seen, but you should definitely do it more often.”

“Huh?”

“You look really pretty when you smile.” She laughs again at Yang’s dumbfounded look. “And to answer your earlier question, I want to do this because I have younger siblings as well.  I know what it’s like to want to protect them from things, and how much it sucks when you can’t. Everyone needs some help here and there.” She shrugs as you both bound down the flight of stairs.  “I have some food in the trunk of my car if you’d like it. We can move it to your car later so Ruby doesn’t have to know.”

“I can’t-“

“I’d be more upset if you refused, but I’ll understand if you do.”

Ruby is jumping with excitement as they both emerge from the building.  Yang catches the amused smile on Blake’s face at her sister’s antics. She’s glad Blake seems to be enjoying her sister’s energy instead of being annoyed by it like some people.  

“My car’s parked at the end there Ruby.” Blake speaks up giving Ruby a destination.

“Oh my- Yang, it’s black and purple!” She squeals. “It’s so cool.”

“I’ll pay you back.” Yang says once Ruby is out of earshot.

“No need,” Opening her mouth to argue Blake beats her to it. “Though if you must, I am in the search of new friends, my current ones are getting on my nerves.”

“Oh yeah?” Yang smirks.  

“Yeah, they’re definitely too bitchy for my taste.”

It pulls a genuine laugh from her and it feels good, she’s been faking enough of them lately.  When her attention returns to the other girl Yang notices how surprised she looks. Her mouth is parted and eyes wide, ears perked straight up atop her head.  

“Wow,” Blake whispers and Yang raises a brow in question. “You should definitely do that more often too.”

“Come on,” Yang blushes, motioning towards Ruby waiting not at all patiently by Blake’s car. “If we don’t hurry you’re going to see the full wrath of my sister.”

“She’s tiny, what can she possibly do?” Blake laughs.

“Honestly?” Yang feins terror. “You do not want to find out.”

Blake rolls her eyes but moves into a jog. “Then we better hurry.”

Yang laughs again, but follows suit.  The smile Blake shoots her over her shoulder at the sound of her laughter has Yang promising to do it more.  

Anything to have Blake look at her like that again.

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

So, I learned something recently...

Mary Kate Olsen (the top billed twin; I feel kinda bad for Ashley) is married to a man 17 years her senior, who also happens to be the half brother to the former President of France.

That sounds like the plot to one of their movies! Like, there’s a foreign exchange student at their school and they discover that he’s secretly foreign royalty.  I can picture the whole thing in my head, I’ve thought about this a lot:

It has a late 90s/early 2000s aesthetic; kinda grungey and “totally radical, dude!”

Twins Mary Jane and Kelsey are just your average upper middle class teenagers living in multi-million dollar beachfront property with their widower dad, a security guard with dreams of being a detective.  His firm just got a big contract to provide security for the visiting diplomats of the vaguely Eastern European kingdom of Slovotia (it’s generically foreign; funny accents, weird customs, offensive Slavic stereotypes, the works. The writers based it on Yugoslavia, Czechoslovakia, Austria-Hungary, Ruritania, Backwardistan, etc)

At school, the girls are introduced to hunky Slovotian exchange student Nico.  He’s, like, SO cool, but he doesn’t flaunt it.  He’s quiet, tries not to make waves, and sneaks away at lunch to be by himself; the girls follow him and find him talking to a a burly bodyguard.  Turns out, he’s the Crown Prince of Slovotia!  His uncle, Count Bartok (who is clearly the antagonist but SHHH don’t tell anyone, we don’t know that yet) is visiting America as part of the Slovotian delegation; his brother, the King, wants to normalize relations with the west, but the Count doesn’t really like America.

Nico and his bodyguard Dolf (a hulking man of few words) ask the girls not to reveal his secret; he just wants to live a normal life, and be a normal teenager.  The girls decide to show him around town and introduce him to hip American concepts like the mall and beaches and fast food.

They buy a hot dog from a street vendor, and Nico looks appalled.  “My uncle, he say Americans, they are dogs, but I did not know they were to be eating them, yes?”

“They’re not really made out of dog, Nico!  Try it, you’ll like it.”

He takes one bite, and is enraptured.  “This is best thing I have ever to be eating!”  He walks over to the vendor and offers to buy him out.  “You there, meat monger. This dog that is hot, it is food fit for king!  I buy your shop, I pay ten million Slovotian Kronle, good price yes?”

“Sure thing, whatever you say boss!  Good price!  Great price!  My ticket’s finally come it, it’s easy street from here on out!”

They show him around “the city.”  It’s never specified which city that is though; they live on a beach and go surfing, so it might be LA, but there are hotdog vendors and people with Brooklyn accents, so it could just as well be New York.  Maybe there’s a shot in the middle of the film where the bad guys are looking at a satellite map of the USA, and the camera zooms into the center of the country, or there’s a blinking red dot somewhere on a random coast.  The point is that there is no definitive location; it’s just meant to represent whatever city is closest to the viewer’s hometown (the writers didn’t put that much effort into it because this is a no budget direct-to-VHS Mary Kate and Ashley movie.  What did you expect?)

Dolf follows them everywhere they go, and Nico complains that he wants to have some privacy.  “You do not be seeing other kids with bodyguards, yes?”  Wacky hijinks ensue as the trio try to evade him; there’s definitely a chase scene set to a punk rock song like SR-17′s ‘Right Now’ or something by Bowling For Soup.  They sit on a park bench reading newspapers as Dolf runs by, then hightail it in the opposite direction.  They casually steal hats and sunglasses from passersby to blend into the crowd.  They walk in line behind a couple buys carrying a sofa.  The chase ends with them hopping into a taxi and laughing with one another as we see Dolf give chase for a second before giving up in frustration.

Nico confides in the girls that life as a prince is not easy.  His father, King Vladimyr XVI, is always telling him how big a responsibility he has, how important he is to Slovotia’s future.  “My father, he tell me, Nico, you will one day be King, so you must to be acting like one, yes?”  It’s so hard to be royal, he can never just be himself, he has to act a certain way to make his parents happy.  The girls tell him that they know exactly what he means; high school isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either.  They have homework and chores, and they too have to act a certain way or the cool kids will think they’re a couple of losers with a capital L (Nico doesn’t understand what the word cool means, “what does temperature have to be doing with this?”)

Suddenly, the trio is attacked by some dude in a track suit and gold chains with a jersey accent; he tries to kidnap Nico, and just when all hope seems lost Dolf appears from nowhere and lifts the would-be abductor up by the collar.

They interrogate him; Dolf holds him by the ankles from a second story window.  “I ain’t sayins nothin, youse will never get a word outta me.”

Dolf says that if he doesn’t start talking he will disappear.  “Maybe you wake up in gulag, yes?”

He sings like a canary.  He was hired by Count Bartok to kidnap Nico.  Bartok hates America and thinks his older brother Vladimyr is foolish for trying to normalize relations with them.  He hoped that by having Nico kidnapped, he could blame the American government and end the diplomatic mission early.  If anything were to happen to the boy, Bartok would become next in line to be king!  He’s going to blame the girls’ father for Nico’s disappearance because he was supposed to be head of security.

“That’s everything I know. Hey, I’m sorry, okays?  I just needed the money, ya know? I ain’t a bad guy, I’m just in a bad sitchy-ation.”  The girls tell Dolf that he can let the kidnapper go, but he takes this literally and drops him out of the window (onto a bush! He’s fine)

They have to race to city hall to meet the Slovotian delegation and stop Bartok from doing anything drastic.  Mary Kate plays the edgy tomboy, so she teaches Nico and Dolf how to skateboard so they can get across town super fast.  This sequence is filmed with a fish eye lens so it looks “totally bodacious.” As the group barrels down the crowded sidewalk, pedestrians leap out of their way.

They make it just in time to be locked out of the ceremony.  Bartok is giving a big speech condemning the Americans for kidnapping his poor nephew, and the girls have to watch helplessly as their dad is taken away in handcuffs.  Dolf uses his espionage training to break into city hall and get the trio into the sound booth undetected.

“Hey Dolf, where’d you learn to do all this stuff?”

“I have many skills” (he is implied to be ex-KGB and it’s played for laughs)

The girls interrupt Bartok’s speech with video they took of the kidnapper revealing his entire plan.  Bartok denies it, but the girls’ dad pulls some as-yet-unseen sleuthing skills out of his ass to prove that Bartok is lying, finally living his dream of being a detective.  Nico bursts into the room and orders the Slovotian guards to arrest his uncle, but Bartok pulls a pistol and holds one of the twins hostage.  Nico uses some of the American skills he learned to free her (he kicks his skateboard towards Bartok’s feet, and he slips on it)

Bartok is taken away, screaming that he would have gotten away with it were it not for those meddling twins, and the girls break the fourth wall by making a Scooby-Doo joke to the camera.  Nico delivers a heartfelt speech to the gathered crowd at city hall about how much he has come to love America and how he’s proud to be representing Slovotia and normalizing relations with the west.  He wants to open malls and hot dog stands and skateboard parks in Slovotia, and he gets a standing ovation as the mayor awards him the key to the city.

The girls are so proud of their dad, and he is just as proud of them.  Just then, King Vladimyr and Queen Anastasia themselves make a live appearance, apparently having flown all the way from Slovotia (it’s never explained how they got there so fast).  They thank the girls for helping their son, and award their father their kingdom’s highest honor. They even offer him a job as Dolf’s second in command, but he declines, saying he’d rather remain at his humble career and raise his family in the states.

The girls encourage Nico to tell his father how he feels.  He knows he will be king someday, but that is very far off, and he would like some time to just be a kid instead of a prince all the time.  The King decrees that Nico may stay in the United States and have a normal high school experience, “you are to be having twelve bodyguards instead of twenty now, good compromise, yes?”  The girls roll their eyes and laugh; Nico’s dad still has a lot to learn!

Nico tells the girls that they are “very cold” (he meant “cool,” but it’s the thought that counts)  He and Mary Kate kiss, and Ashley jokingly asks if he has a brother.  As it turns out, there’s a nerdy kid at school who is played by the same actor as Nico who’s had a crush on her for years, so she gets with him instead (once he takes off his glasses)

Freeze frame

THE END

Roll credits

80 minute run time

Return the tape to Blockbuster and never watch it again

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP. 6

Last Time on Grand Theft Auto:

Tsubasa recovers from the world’s gayest coma as Hibiki trains her mind while putting aside such silly concepts as “the love of my life” and “literally being with my girlfriend.” After cooling Miku’s paranoia with her brand new washboard abs, Genjuro prepares the team for a pizza run across the city to deliver a dangerously hot pizza pie named Durandal. Chaos emerges as the delivery is intercepted by a rival pizza gang, lead by the nefarious Gremlin known as Yukine Chris. But, before the pizza could be claimed, dedicated pizza deliverywoman Hibiki not only steals it back, but eats it, harnessing the power of the pizza and unleashing cheesy pasta based chaos around the location.

Ryoko is so into it that she taps into her superpowers and protects Hibiki after she passes out. The delivery is considered a failure, and no tip is given.

And so, the journey continues...

Meanwhile, in this weird, tricked out mansion...

Chris meditates on some water metaphors of her own.

“that pacman colored freak took only touching it to activate a cheap ass french sword that gave her weird demon powers and its taken me YEARS to use this dumb stripper outfit and the funny cane that goes with it, what the FUCK man, what even is my life”

“maybe... maybe honeybaked hams ARE that powerful...”

“NO! turkey is the superior meat! it’s healthier, lower in fat, and way more tasty! fuck you! i’ll get my goddamned revenge!”

Chris begins musing about Fine’s motivations to capture Hibiki; during these, we’re treated to some brief image flashbacks of Chris’s life.

Suddenly, those jokes about food are a lot less funny.

It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together as to why this young woman is helping a strange nudist dominatrix spread alien terror across the city of mumblednoises, Japan. She doesn’t really have many an option on the table. It’s either help the weird kinkster with her plans, or die.

Despite everything, she has a high opinion of Fine, for the same reasons someone might have a high opinion of a television show if it were the only show they were ever exposed to. She is deeply afraid of being alone again, because she has lived through such misery that the very thought of existing out in the cold again terrifies the shit out of her.

The Sun rises casually amidst Chris’s thoughts.

“ah shit. it just hit me. i literally have spent the entire night standing here instead of actually going the fuck to sleep. goddamnit.”

On such a devious metaphorical twist, Fine stands behind her as the Sun rises.

“yeah, jokes on you. i couldnt sleep for shit either. turns out, all nude, no blankets? in japan? real bad idea.”

“thats why i decided to GO GOTH, babey! whattaya think? do i give those witchy vibes, huh? real ‘black magic woman’ santana hours? feeling cute, gonna head out with the girls and summon satan in the woods kinda aesthetic looking shit? come on, be real with me. does this not look baller?”

“you look like morticia decided to go to the grocery store to buy some wonder bread, but other than that, its a step up from your usual pussy out attitude, so sure”

“you know i decided to get some brain cells on loan from Brain Cells R Us, and ive been thinking this solomon cane stuff is solomon lame. i dont need this dumb oversized harry potter cosplay prop to get shit done. also, murder is... sorta bad? im still trying to get the brain cell stuff down.”

“i can punch just as good as goody two shoes if not better.”

“lol go do it then champ, im gonna go cut down a forest of trees now”

And so, they both just kinda... stand there.

“QUACK, NEXT SCENE, QUACK”

Meanwhile, Tsubasa is rapidly trying to rehabilitate herself from her wounds like walking like a madman, her IV drip presumably filled with Taco Bell brand Doritos Locos Tacos super spicy nacho cheese. Taco Bell: Live Mas.

“im gonna clear every fucking taco bell in your goddamned memory, kanade”

“think outside the bun! wait, what? that was a taco bell slogan? ah fuck it, im dead. what nerd’s gonna try and correct me?”

“i would, kanade. i am that nerd.”

Tsubasa is hell bent to try and understand Kanade’s simple philosophy of helping others selflessly. Unfortunately, when Kanade died, she took all the brain cells between them in the process, so coming to this epiphany is a work in progress.

“listen its a fucking miracle you are 1. alive and 2. able to have your blood run on the garbage melted plastic taco bell tries to dupe people into believing is cheese so why dont you just lie down and think of better franchises to eat from”

“no! you dont understand! taco bell is a franchise of the PEOPLE! their meals are cheap and filling and- and the chicken quesadillas are of good quality for their price! i promised kanade- my vow to the death. taco bell... ergh... now and forever... i-”

“wait. my gay senses are tingling.”

It’s Hibiki, probably running track with Miku.

“oh yeah... her... i should probably apologize to her. about trying to kill her. and then letting her almost be kidnapped. and just giving her a general hard time about something that wasn’t explained to her in the slightest for months. she’s a good bean.”

Tsubasa proceeds to never canonically apologize to Hibiki throughout the entirety of all 4 seasons of Symphogear.

Look at em run. See, it’s a metaphor, because they haven’t communicated yet and they’re running from their problems! But they’re running towards Tsubasa, who is part of the representative problem these two share! Clearly literary genius.

It’s like someone went halfway into writing an NTR plotline and went “maybe this isn’t a good idea to market our songs on.”

Hibiki is still thinking about her Hellshake Yano moment with Durandal. Mainly how she nearly killed someone with it. Hibiki is very starkly in the “killing is bad, and wrong” camp of morality, a trait currently unique to her that she’ll wind up teaching literally everyone else she meets one way or another.

Some could argue the L stands for Lydian, and they’re wrong. It stands for Lesbian.

“that was one hell of a run, hibiki! im pooped! why dont we go to the locker room and call it a day, have a nice shower and just get some dinn-”

“this is the last straw.

i clean your plates. i cook your food. we eat, shit, shower, and sleep in the same FUCKING area, and this is how you repay me? huh? you think being your wife is easy shit, hibiki? half the damn time you’re running off like clark kent having food poisoning and the other half ive gotta babysit you, the emotional equivalent of a preteen clown, to make sure your life doesn’t self destruct harder than Atlantis sinking into the ocean. im done! i am DONE. im reopening my tinder, im slamming my ass BACK into okcupid, and im gonna date some CUTE ACADEMY GIRLS that treat me BETTER than this ABSOLUTE BETRAYAL OF HEART AND IM NOT CRYING I SWEAR ITS JUST THE SWEAT IN MY EYES AND HIBIKI HOW COULD YOU-”

“oh yeah, sure! hey, lemme just do a few more laps, ive just been feeling judgmental about myself and my figure, you know? gotta push myself further...”

“o-oh yeah, sure. no worries, ill wait for you. love you too, hibiki...”

The girls bathe together, as good friends typically do.

“hey you ever notice the showers here have like, weird psuedo-luxurious minipools to bathe in? like, how rich is this school?”

“whoever made this place is either rich or a pervert. or both, probably!”

Miku remarks that Hibiki has changed since she’s entered Lydian, in a manner most unheterosexual.

“oh FUCK you really DO have washboard abs now! ohhh my god.”

“damn, those abs were heavenly. let’s get pancakes later.”

I won’t screenshot it but something to note is that they actually wear each other’s corresponding underwear colors (or even, if you want to examine more closely, each other’s underwear). Here’s an equivalent scene to give you the mental image.

This is the face of someone who knows what they want and already have it. Such is the power of Kohinata Miku.

Meanwhile, Genjuro comes back from the funeral of the guy the Americans filled violently and with impunity.

“yo that all black look looks baller. i should borrow that look... id look pretty gothy in it.”

“ryoko i sympathize with your sharp, fashionista eye but this was for a funeral, i was paying my respects to the dead. thats the usual dress code.”

“didnt know they updated that. i remember back in my day, we just went in white garments and chanted in latin!”

“shit was fire. literally. lots of funeral pyres.”

“lmao ryoko buddy your larping sessions arent actual history”

“hey dont shit on larping around me. i used to be a professional larper while i was majoring in acting. helped really sell my career when i had to pretend to slay the Dark Lord Jyarloen atop the mountain of skulls in Hargobor after my family was killed by the Dark Army. asshole.”

“haha yeah, larping, thats cool yeah, i do that

i...

i larp.”

“oh yeah? you wanna join my larping session sometime then? we’re gonna do an ancient babylon plot thats inspired by some anime, itll be fun”

“.....................................im super into realism.”

“i know im dressed for a funeral but id like to not part ways with my dignity yet. besides, we’ve got serious shit to talk about. basically, we’re on the verge of getting shitcanned.”

As it turns out, the death of this politician removed the last obstacle of opposition to maintain the 2nd Division, as the average criticism against the 2nd Division is “why are we funding this mystery division when we don’t know what they do”. Of course, the sensible idea for an organization that defeats the Noise is to declassify it, given people of different jobs and positions have physically seen the Symphogear in action, but you know. “Oh no, the other governments will come after us” stick gets shaken.

“im in a union. i know my rights. you’re not taking my acting job here away from me.”

“im not going back to be a preschool teacher. its been ten year. the bites on my ankles still havent healed...”

“yeah man, shit sucks ass. i cant fund my adoption habits if im fired.”

Look at these cinematic parallels. Symphogear truly is a franchise made by someone living in 3030.

“worst part is the new minister is super into america. he’s a... westaboo.”

“a westaboo?”

“westaboo?”

“did he just unironically say westaboo”

“he said westaboo. oh my god. this is the hell timeline.”

“i mean people kept calling me that for worshipping all these fighting flicks so i guess it fit? i dont see the problem here”

Meanwhile, in Lydian Academy...

“so it hit me, right? we’re ALL girls. and we ALL sing. now, humor me a moment. what if... what if we’ve all been recruited to potentially be superheroes... through our singing? like, there’s no coincidence that all this shit happens around us, right? and a famous singer LIVES here? i saw the black cars outside! weird shit is happening here- im not even gonna eat the all you can eat bar anymore!”

“kathy there is literally no such thing as superheroes who sing. this place is more likely to be a organ harvesting op than whatever madness you’re saying”

“what? you need me, a singing superhero, to go stop a problem happening underneath the school, a location meant to recruit young women into potentially becoming fellow crime fighting singers?”

“yeah im too busy poppin’ caps in asses so go kick ass in my place”

“sure!”

“.....................................who ya talkin to, hibiki?”

“the boss! gotta go do a thing again...”

“hibiki, i dont like the fact that capitalism is tearing us apart.”

“you’ve gotta join me in the revolution, hibiki. you. me. luxury automated gay space communism. aint it the dream? share my vision, hibiki. its glorious.”

“n... no...? no gay space communism today? well, what about tomorrow? or the next day? or... maybe the next day? baby steps, you say? but, direction action, hibiki! we’ve gotta strike now!”

“it’s okay hibiki. when i take over the world and destroy all first world government leaders, and unite the globe in my encompassing reign and love... ill make sure to spare you, and be my bride to be.”

“thanks miku. im just not ready yet for the globe to burn in an unending ball of fire as the continents fuse into a new utopia composed of our combined wills. also, ive really gotta go, its genuinely an emergency.”

“for the cause!”

“yes hibiki... for the cause...”

Admittedly, you can see the stages of grief Miku goes through when she sees Hibiki say she can’t join her for pancakes. It’s sad. This side story sucks.

Meanwhile, as it turns out, the problem Hibiki needed to resolve was checking on Tsubasa to see if she hadn’t dissolved into Taco Bell brand hot n’ spicy Tabasco sauce.

“god, cant believe taco bell was closed. now i gotta deliver these lame ass flowers”

“cant wait to get threatened again. wonder what she’ll say. ‘hibiki, i should have killed you when i had the chance.’ or ‘you’re so goddamned weak. i could break your spine with my fingernail’, or some other stuff about metaphors. oh, my stops here”

“HEY BITCH WHATS GOOD-”

“HOLY SHIT”

“you are already”

“dead.”

[prettylittlelifeforms]

Tagged by: @adhds9

Nicknames: I usually go by my full name, Angelina, but a lot of people also call me Angie. I also occasionally get called Ang or just A.

Gender: female

Star Sign: I’m an Aries

Height: I’m actually 177cm tall and I don’t know imperial measurements. Is it 5′9″?? What does that mean??

Time: Is time even meaningful when you think about the vast expanse of the universe? What IS time? It’s a human concept that is different for many people around the globe..... it’s 5.45pm.

Favourite Band: My Chemical Romance

Favourite Artist: Does this mean music artists? Or traditional artists? Or meme creators? I’m gonna say Becky Cloonan. She draws cool things.

Song Stuck In My Head: Mamma Mia by ABBA.

Last Movie I Watched: High School Musical!

Last Show I Watched: Probably Star Trek Voyager.

When Did I Make This Blog? postlimit.com says Sun, 12 Oct 2014 - about 4 years ago. It has changed a lot over the years and I imagine the stuff from 2014 is super cringey. But hey, the stuff from now is super cringey too.

What Do I Post? I mainly post Star Trek content, and because this is my main blog I also just post random content here too. Memes and me being gay mostly.

Last Things I Googled: ‘how to find the date of creation of your tumblr account’, ‘brendon urie pansexual’ , and ‘mamma mia lyrics’

Do I Have Other Blogs? Yes, I have 2 side blogs. @keepitlo-ki, where I post MCU and comics, mostly about Loki and other Asgardians. And @gerardxway, where I post band stuff.

Do I Get Asks? Not often, but they are open if anyone wants to submit one!

Why Did I Choose My URL? (Currently, it is prettylittlelifeforms) I chose it because of Data’s life forms song in Star Trek Generations. He actually says precious little life forms but i think that was taken.

Following: I mainly follow Star Trek blogs, marvel, and a few band themed ones.

Average Hours Of Sleep: At the moment I’ve been either getting 3 hours or 12 hours. Not healthy.

Lucky Number: I haven’t had one for a long time. But in order I like the numbers: 69, 666, 420, and 10. (10 was my basketball number when I played and it was my actual lucky number as a kid.)

Instruments: I’m bad at them all but I have a ukulele and a keyboard piano in my room that I enjoy playing.

What am I wearing: just underwear and a t-shirt please don’t judge.

Dream Job: I’m currently studying to be an actor as one of my school subjects. I would love that or to be an astrophysicist. (or both. who doesn’t love overachieving)

Dream Trip: I want to go to Italy and stay with my family for at least a month.

Favourite Food: Honestly, if it doesn’t have meat in it, I’ll probably eat and enjoy it.

Nationality: Born and raised in Australia but I am half Italian.

Favourite Song: Currently ‘I Want It That Way’ by the Backstreet Boys.

Last Book I Read: If comics count it was Angela Agent Of Asgard Issue #6 but the last novel was Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell.

Top 3 Fictional Universes I Want To Join: I’m gonna go and be basic and say, in no particular order: 

1. soulmate AUs (soul-mate identifying marks, yes I used to read way too much fanfiction) 

2. The Star Trek universe, Next Gen or DS9 era.

3. Marvel Comics. Asgard.

Tagging: Anyone who reads this and wants to, i’m too nervous to tag actual blogs.

Thankyou again to @adhds9 for tagging me.

[reactionjournal]

Mandalorian S1 Catchup

106

I’ve been on this same damn episode for like a year it feels like. Probably literally. (I think I only got Disney+ in like August? but it’s been queued since I watched 105 a year ago)

Oh my god though the trick of slipping the tracking beacon onto Qin was incredible. Also I love baby yoda (whose name I know but don’t canonically know yet so here we are) trying to force...(???) push that person aiming the gun at him and just glancing down at his hand like, “Huh?” when Mando (I also know HIS name but again, canonically I don’t yet soooo)

“I told you that was a bad idea.” He says to the baby 😭

107

I love how much fun it feels like they’re having in this weird bar fight the lady is in? I don’t remember her name. 

“He’s not a local warrior. He’s Imperial.” “I’m in.” Wow I love her all over again.

Really interested in IG-11. It feels like necromancy to raise a destroyed robot and seat a new consciousness and programming? “Droids are not good or bad, they are neutral impressions of those who imprint them.” Is fascinating in the context of what I just said. Also... conceptually - this is gonna be me on my bullshit for a minute I just paused.

Conceptually how different is it to allow a new consciousness to be housed in your body when you’re dead than, say, donating your organs? Because I don’t know that there is a difference? Like obviously if there were a protocol for that they would have said it, but just as a hypothetical I think if I was a robot I’d want that? The only thing that I would stipulate is like, needing some very visible changes to my chassis so as not to hurt my loved ones when they see a new pilot behind my eyes. There are a lot of ways robots can have religion, but I think that would be the foundation of mine. Might be the foundation of mine for Turn Your Gays.

Okay, resumption.

“When you worked for the Empire?” “When I was SOLD to the Empire!” Is. Wow. This. TMG: Things will shortly get completely out of hand/I can feel it in the rotten air tonight

“Imps” as an abbreviation of Imperials is interesting

I know this is SW but why is everyone such a terrible shot in this campfire scene?

“He’s trying to eat me” oh my god

hey I’m sorry does this baby have Force Heal? I know I’m like fifty five years late to this party, but!!!!

Okay I’m sorry!!! He did a spinning dual-pistol killshot on two separate targets and they couldn’t hit one bird with like god 100 rounds of blaster fire? I...I mean it’s COOL I’m just so confused about how blasters work. It was cool though he gets this one.

Wow this is a terrible plan, I love it.

“I’ll give you 20 credits for the helmet.” Fuck the plan I’ll hunt that guy.

I know I can’t read EVERYTHING as Indigenous but this man is a colonizer. I know he’s also an Imperial and that’s like already part and parcel but listen. 

oh. yeah no I was just right, huh.

well he’s dead, that’s nice. It’s too bad they’re in a fucking Magnificent Seven/Seven Samurai style western shootout now!

Also I don’t like that whoever called that guy was like, “You should check [if you have the child] again” before opening fire. That’s a bad look OH SHIT THAT’S A TIE FIGHTER AHHHHHHHHH

Wow speeder bikes look as cool as they are deathtraps.

wow that’s a sith. 

IS THAT GIANCARLO ESPOSITO? I think I knew he was in this at one point but I forgot, fuck

Oh no Kuiil 😭😭😭

108

Oh my god this like... mundane conversation between the troopers who stole the baby. I needed this after that last thing.IG-11!!!!!!!!!!! IG-11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ST1: Aren’t IGs usually hunters? ST2, dismissively: Well, this one’s a nurse. I’m sorry, Nurse, but, you’re gonna have to get out of here.

God 

“Night of a Thousand Tears” is...I don’t like that. I’m not gonna google it until later tho.

I appreciate how different this Giancarlo character is from Gus Fring.

“Mandalorian isn’t a race. It’s a Creed.” I assume that’s on a lot of gifsets? It’s a strong thing. Also it goes against the whole concept of Blood Quantum and Degree of Indian Blood etc which is a slow genocide in our world so! I’m for it!

oh my GOD IS IG-11 GOING TO THE CITY????

Me: I’m not a gun guy Din, walking through a door with excellent gunmanship Me, sweating: don’t look at me

Wow Giancarlo is a fucking cool character. Two shots: One, a headshot on Din, two, a shot at the fucking generator for the E-Web. If he was an X-Com character I’d go, “Oh you’re my fucking MAIN character now!”

oh SHIT that painted fucking FLAME UNIT YO I know that’s the enemy but YO

Wow the baby just fucking sending the flame back. I....can Jedi do that? Is that why I never see flamethrowers? Because everyone is like, “uhhh HAHA fuck that there’s a Jedi”

IG-11 staying with Din 😭😭😭😭

Me, looking away when Din’s helmet comes off: no I can’t, it’s disrespectful. 

“No. Its kind were enemies. This individual is not.” Is so powerful it makes me want to CRY. No wait I am crying. It’s so... I. I think it’s the secret, close-knit sects and the raw pragmatism that makes me identify with them? (Pragmatism is for the marginalized and the oppressed.) And just. The concept of like... not being able to afford to treat people who resemble those who did you wrong as enemies. Not having the luxury of that is so. God. 

Also I want to hear the songs about the Jedi and Mandalore the Great

“You expect me to search this galaxy for the home of this creature and deliver it to a race of enemy sorcerers?” “This is the Way.” God. 

😭😭The mudhorn as a signet!!! “You are a clan of two”!!!!

Me, watching this Mandalorian forger fight with hammers and seeing her fucking SHATTER the armor of these stormtroopers and just thinking of that damn shitpost about warhammers being to, “crack the shell and get to the juicy knight meat inside.”

Anyway she’s rad as hell.

omg this fuckin ferry droid that looks like an astromech with arms and legs is killing me

wow IG-11 no....

Wow Din being sad...nooooo

DIN: I’m not...sad IG-11: Yes, you are. I’m a nurse droid. I analyzed your voice.

Noooo IG-11 😭😭

“I’m out of ideas.” DIN: I’m not ME: DIN THAT’S NOT AN IDEA BUD THAT’S-...well it worked out I guess..........

“And now that the scum and villainy have been washed away...” HEY HE SAID IT HE SAID THE THING

“You will have the pick of all quarries.” “I’m afraid I’m a dad now.” sorry is that not what happened? That’s what I heard.

Ohhh Giancarlo Esposito is back with a darksaber. Is that the first darksaber on screen? DIRECTED BY TAIKA WAITITI??? WAIT WHAT