#just to let you folks know but i dont plan on being Always Active on here

[legacyshenanigans]

Part 9 to the Marvolo and MC series!!

Marvolo x MC 💚

The Engagement 🐍

Little darkness (the beginning part, mentions of a dead body at the den) Little angsty, little fluffy yet kinda heavy at the end.

Ominis took in a deep breath as he arrived at the Den after being forced by his father to do so, Marvolo was there, and their father needed him to go home. Ominis always hated the idea of this place, and didn't want to go inside, but he managed to talk himself into it, from the outside of the Den you'd never tell the stuff that goes on in there, it looked like a mundane building you wouldn't look twice at, magic set upon it to keep folk away, but Ominis knew it's location.

He stepped inside, suddenly greeted harshly by the sounds of loud music and distant echoed screams of pain and tools being used for nothing good, which made him wince, an uncomfortable look on his face. A dark witch sat nearby and frowned at him, standing and quickly approaching him, putting a hand around his throat.

Witch: You don't look like you belong here, sweet thing *wicked little laugh*

Ominis: *frowns* Unhand me.. I'm here to talk to my brother, Marvolo.

The witches eyes widened for a moment as she instantly let go of Ominis. She stepped aside, glaring at him.

Witch: You're a Gaunt?..My apologies..He's downstairs in the basement area..Do you want me to take you to him?

Ominis glared back in her direction, his brows still heavy from her unnecessary throat grab.

Ominis: No..I'll find my way..

With that, he lifted his wand and carried on down the halls. He hated it, death hung in the air, he was thankful atleast in this moment that he couldn't see the place, he tried to focus on just making his way downstairs, as dark wizards and witches turned from their 'activities' to watch him with intrigue.

He made his way downstairs, where he heard Marvolos laughter and voice talking with someone, he entered the room where the voices came from. Marvolo turned his head looking over at the door from leaning on a large slab table, where another dark wizard was currently about to cut up a body, Marvolos eyes didn't leave Ominis as he reached out grabbing the other Dark wizard's arm, the man glancing at him, then towards Ominis.

Marvolo: Leave..

The wizard instantly left the room. Ominis made his way over to Marvolo, about to put his hand down on the bloodied table, which Marvolo quickly stopped Ominis from doing, he let out a chuckle.

Marvolo: Don't touch anything in here...

Ominis: *figets with his hands, an uncomfortable expression on his face*

Marvolo: *narrows his eye's and smirks at Ominis* Strange..Seeing you here..Must be important, what's wrong? Or what's happening?

Ominis: Father needs you home as soon as possible. I dont think anything is wrong, though. He just said "sooner rather than later" I guess it's important, he wouldn't of sent me of all people here otherwise..

Marvolo frowned slightly in thought.

Marvolo: Hmm..Ok, I have things to quickly finish up here..*smirks* why don't you stay and we can head back together? *laughs knowing the answer*

Ominis: You, me, and a dead body? Not likely.. I have plans anyway, and I'd like to get out of here right now. Truth be told, I dont want to spend longer in here than I have to..

Marvolo: *wicked grin* How do you know there's a dead body in here?

Ominis: *sigh*....I can smell it.

Marvolo: *smooth chuckle* Go on then, be gone, I'll return home as soon as possible..

Ominis nodded his head and quickly left the room. Marvolo looked at the body on the table, picking up the bone saw, wondering what it was his father wanted..

Business at the den had come to yet another close, and he made his way home, wondering what would be waiting for him there, he flicked his cigarette away as he approached the Gaunt home, opening the door and walking into the foyer, before hearing his parents nattering in the living room, he wandered in to find them both sat in there, both of them looking at him. He furrowed his brows slightly.

Marvolo: Heh..Oooh..Am I in trouble?

Aleister: Sit down, Marvolo.

His father looked serious, where as his mother had a look of slight concern and discomfort, but she tried to remain serious, Marvolo noticed this instantly, but sat down in front of his parents, staring at his father.

Aleister: I have made arrangements, an engagement party..

Marvolo: *narrows his eyes* Interesting.. Who's engagement?

Aleister: *wicked grin* Why, yours, dear boy...

Marvolos eyes flickered to his mother, they shared a very quick glance, but spoke a thousand words in that flash of a moment, after all, Ophelia had already witnessed Marvolo and MC sharing a kiss in the garden, and thus far had kept to her word and not told Aleister about it.

Marvolo: And who is this mystery women I'm to marry?

Aliester: Your 3rd cousin, Elizabeth..

Marvolo cleared his throat, leaning forward in his chair.

Marvolo: No.

Aleister gave him a confused and offended look.

Aleister: What do you mean, no?

Marvolo: What the fuck do you think I mean? I said no, I shan't be doing such a thing, Father..

Aleister: *chuckles* what are you so concerned about, Marvolo? Feelings for her? Love? PHA!...You don't have to love her..Just sleep with her and have a couple of kids with her atleast.

Ophelia: *frowns* Is that how it was for you with me?

Aliester: Of course not Ophelia, I fell deeply in love with you..Which I'm SURE Marvolo will do the same with Elizabeth, isn't that right, son?

Marvolos fist clenched as he sat there for a moment giving his father a nasty look, Aleister returning it. They just glared at eachother, before, in unison they both stood, whipping out their wands, and aiming at eachother, Ophelia stood quickly standing between them.

Ophelia: STOP IT..

Marvolo: Mother, Step aside.

Aleister: You're marrying that girl Marvolo, I see no reason why you can't and shouldn't..And why you're acting like this, you knew this day would come..Eventually.

Ophelia: Marvolo has spent his evening at the Den Aleister, perhaps he's just tired and clouded right now *gives Marvolo a look as if for him to agree with her*

Marvolo: *lowers his wand* Perhaps..Yes..

Aleister lowered his own wand, glaring curiously at Marvolo.

Aleister: Then go..Sleep...*sits back down on his chair* Oh..And never aim your wand at me again, Marvolo...We shall discuss this further another time..

Marvolo gave his mother one last look before he quickly left the room, and storming out of the front door. He was so angry and his face showed it as he wandered off into the night.

Ominis had said he had plans, Marvolo instantly assumed those plans involved hanging out with his friend's at the three Broomsticks, which Ominis did often, and that MC would have been there, He made his way into Hogsmead approaching the pub, and peering in with his hood up, seeing them. Luckily for him, MC got up to go and get another drink. She spotted him by the door and looked at him confused, looking back at the gang before looking back at him. While they were preoccupied, she quickly went over to the door.

MC: Are you alright?

Marvolo: I need to talk to you..Meet me outside the Forbidden forest at midnight.

MC: OK..Sure..Are you alright though?

Marvolo: *sigh* Just...Meet me. Ok?

MC nodded her head concerned before Marvolo wandered off. Hearing how disgruntled he was set off her anxiety..

It was a quarter past midnight, and Marvolo paced, waiting impatiently for her at the forest entrance, MC quickly made her way down the path towards him.

Marvolo: Oh god, you're here. Finally.

He sighed as he grabbed hold of her, MC throwing her arms around the back of his neck as he lifted her off the ground, kissing her in a spin, MC giggled as he broke away form the kiss and set her down.

MC: Well, that was a nice greeting, I was worried you were mad at me for some reason. You seemed really agitated in Hogsmeade.

Marvolo furrowed his brows as he looked at her.

Marvolo: I was..And I still am...I needed to see you, but you've done nothing wrong, so don't worry about that..

He held out his hand, she took it as they both entered the forest together, he took her back to the lake where they'd had their first date, and let out a sigh.

MC: What is it?

Marvolo: *looking out into the lake* My father...He..He's set an engagement *looks at her* for me..

MC stared at him for a moment, taking in what he just said, her anxiety flooding back, she felt a heavy drop in her stomach.

MC: What?!

Marvolo: MC-

MC: So you've brought me here to break up with me? Because your father is making you marry another?! Is that it?!

Marvolo: MC!

MC: *freaking out as she grabs hold of him, tears building up in her eyes* Marvolo, please...I...I can't-

Marvolo turned to her, holding her tightly, stroking the back of her head.

Marvolo: Shhhh, shhhh, MC, calm yourself..

MC: *crying into him* I can't lose you..

Marvolo: And you're not going to..

His hands cupped her face as he looked down into her eyes.

Marvolo: Look..Its not happening..Ok?...I'm not going anywhere..Do you understand?

MC: But..Your father-

Marvolo: I know..I'll..Figure something out..I dont want to be with anyone else but you..

MC: *sniffles* Really? You truly mean that?

Marvolo leaned down, giving her a tender kiss on the lips.

Marvolo: Yes, MC...Its the one thing in my life that I'm sure of..I don't want to lose you either.

He used a thumb to wipe a tear from her cheek.

MC: What are we going to do? Are you going to tell your father about us?

Marvolo: *whispers* I'm unsure yet...I need to think about this..Carefully.

MC: Whatever you decide, just know I love you..More than anything.

Marvolo: *small smile* And I love you..Always know that.

~

[schizosupport]

Heyy its me again. Im doing alright. I just came to update you that after a while I've came to the conclusion that I may be schizospec afterall, or at least getting to that point.

I have been doing my research, talking to friends and others, and one of my friends (and a plushie on Plushie Dreadfuls) had confirmed that I experience visual hallucinations. I did NOT know that seeing what I always assumed to be annoying gnats at often times (or "dots" as others may call it) wasn't normal. I mean I knew but i didn't know if I was actually seeing gnats or small flies given how often I deal with them or they just weren't there.

Plus the fact that these bug hallucinations have been growing overtime; me thinking i see a larhe spider or roach or other house pest crawling on the floor or my desk in the corner of my eye and once I turn and look they just disappear.

Thank you Schizoaffective Bunny for letting me know that this is not normal!!

Ive also caught my close eyed hallucinations being activated the moment i turn out the lights or I'm alone with my thoughts and no background noise for too long. One night my mind just got too loud and I thought I saw a horrific fleshy skull on my bag even though I know it's just a design folded up weird, and I was really paranoid and questioning on if the Heeler Family on my Bluey backpack was looking directly at me on purpose. Another night I just kept thinking I was seeing mario in the corner of my eye when I paced around my room and that tricked me one too many times. Funny stuff.

Anyway, besides that. I've also just been lowkey relating to the whole thing. And given my past experiences of feeling this way and being really obsessed with a specific condition, chances are I am literally that or have said condition anyway so there's my answer. Happened with me being plural, autistic and being trans.

I'm just accepting my newfound discovery right now. It kinda hit hard in a bad way for a little bit (it still does) but I'm not upset. I joke about it with my friends and everyone is alright with me, even my cousin is chill about it. I should'nt be surprised since ig this is what happens when you have an untreated condition for over 5 years, along with the fact that I am around the age group to start developing a schizospectrum disorder (20. Will be 21 soon)

So yeah. Tysm for the advice and insight you given me. I appreciate it a lot. I actually should be paying you for this bec i feel bad for going into your ask n dumping into your mailbox like that. You dont even know me >_< rly srry.

I hope you're well though. Read up about your early pension approval. You should treat yourself to some creative writing <3

I'm happy I was able to help you along your journey with figuring out what makes sense for you! The schizo spec is a spectrum of many different experiences and many different folks, and I'm glad you've been feeling at home here!

And dw about dumping stuff in my inbox! Like, that's the point of the inbox! I'm hoping to be a small positive force in some strangers' lives. So I'm happy you had a place to talk about this.

And thank you for the well-wishes! I'm well, I'm currently visiting @compassionatereminders and will be going home on Monday if all goes according to plan. I really hope I'll be able to do some creative writing. Thank you 💜

[legacyjacks]

What do you know about the original five phone managers and I can tell you about them if you don't know them

yeah i know about those old phones ! i....will get round to drawing up my takes on them at some point ! 

[ftm-radio]

Hey Jack, I’ve got an issue. I love my mom, and she tries to be progressive. She’s accepted me as bi but when I came out as trans she told me that I don’t need to label anything yet (I was 14 when I came out). We haven’t brought that up in a real conversation since. She’s also fallen down the JKR thought process and spouts some very common HRT and Trans misconceptions (like how HRT won’t change your muscle mass). I want to correct her and educate her but I’ve got intense anxiety about confronting people. I was thinking of texting her some links to HRT studies but I still live under her roof and we see each other often. Do you have any advice? (ps. I love your blog)

hey anon! sorry to hear about your issue. I can and will try to offer some advice, but please be aware that I don't know everything so my advice probably is far from perfect 😅

hoo boy okay I'm only partway thru & it's already long, so I'm putting it all under a cut. you're welcome, scrollers. ✌🏻

ok I've been thinking about & writing bits of this off and on through the day, so apologies if this is a little jumpy in places!

first off, regarding your anxiety — oh my god, do I understand where you're coming from. confrontation is so scary! and the idea of confronting someone you love is even scarier because it's more personal and it feels like there's way more at stake. but I think if you want to keep a close relationship with your mom it's important to face those fears eventually. otherwise, you'll just have this uncomfortable thing lurking overhead all the time, and it could sour the whole relationship.

now, if you want to try and explain everything and correct the misinformation, you don't necessarily have to do that face to face. especially if that would make you nervous and stutter and misspeak (like I do sometimes, rip). when I came out to my dad, I was terrified because he's an old cranky dude who's lowkey said some kinda bigoted things in the past, and I was terrified of how he might react when i tried telling him. so I wrote him a letter instead! I'm much better with writing than speaking, and I was able to get out all my thoughts and explain everything, including my fears of losing him and losing our relationship. and it worked. my dad and I are still as close as we've always been, maybe even a little closer now.

so I mean, the point of that ramble is that taking the conversation (or at least part of it) to a different platform (letter, email, text... hell even a powerpoint presentation could help if you're into that) is a perfectly valid and viable option.

another important thing is to definitely communicate what you're feeling. let your mom know how much you care about her, how the things she's saying about trans people hurt and upset you, even (maybe especially) how you're scared to have this conversation but that it's necessary and important for both of you that you do have it.

I dont think you should just text your mom some links and call it good (not that that is your plan, but idk I'm just sayin). to me, at least, that seems a bit cold and snide, like saying "you're dumb and wrong and here's the real facts" which could easily have the opposite results you want bc humans can be sensitive and defensive, especially since it's a parent being corrected by their child. I know I don't like being wrong and having to be corrected (though i appreciate it), bc it's embarrassing. I imagine being corrected by your child, the young person you're supposed to raise and teach, can be even more embarrassing & make you more prone to activate the no shut up I'm older and thus I must know better reaction.

obviously that doesn't mean "don't correct your mom ever." I just think that it would probably go better if you were gentle with it. especially because you've said that she tries to be open and progressive. that should be encouraged. and a lot of the misinformation and wrong ideas she has about hrt and trans folks probably isn't her fault—misinformation spreads so easy, especially when nasty people want it to—and they might be exaggerated by her own anxieties and fears for you, her kid. and I can't fault her for that.

and don't rush it! probably don't dump a bunch of articles and studies on her, because that sounds super overwhelming (unless she asks, I guess? idk ur mom) and don't start this conversation with her until you're ready and you know what you want to say, or at least most of it. and this doesn't have to be one giant convo to get it over and done with if you dont want to do it that way. you can start with just one part of it, and let it settle, and start the next part after you've both had time to sit and think about it.

if you aren't sure where to start this conversation, one place you could start is with the simple fact that there are people who purposefully and maliciously spread false information about trans folks to cause harm and create fear and confusion, and that they can be pretty good at it. especially when they are telling these things to people who don't know anything about the topic because they haven't had to know about it up to this point! i dont think its your mom's fault she's been given these ideas, and she shouldnt be made to feel too badly about it. cis and trans folks alike have been fooled by cleverly shared lies. and after you explain that, you can ask her if she'd be open to reading some of those studies and getting more reliable and accurate information, and hopefully the conversation can progress from there.

that's just an idea/suggestion though, obvs you do this however you wanna do it in whatever way feels best to you 👍🏻

I would very much like to think that if you can talk with her (or write to her, whatever) and really communicate, she'd be willing to listen and try to understand and learn.

on the flip side, though... if you try talking and she is totally unwilling to consider the fact that her info/what she's been told is incorrect, and she refuses to listen to you, I don't think there's much to be done.

as you said, you live under her roof and have to see her a lot, so I think for your sake it might be better to try and ignore it and just let it go for now. maybe you could try and broach the topic again in the future, but if she feels really strongly about it and there's absolutely no convincing her, avoiding the topic altogether might be better for you than arguing about it constantly.

and I really, truly hope it doesn't come to that but I had to acknowledge it for my own peace of mind. :/

[sikereviewdotcom]

strawberry shortcake s2 ep1 - horse of a different color

this one was suggested by someone who couldnt keep their mouth shut and not sing the strawberry shortcake intro theme in the middle of our economy class

no one wanted to hear that, but they  went ahead and then i actually followed up on that train of thoughts i remembered about the fucking cartoons and i knew it pronto: its a must-see shit its like slightly above the level of magical school bus series, but the final rating is for the fin not the beginning so lets begin this horseshit:

were reviewing “horse of a different color”, it focuses indeed on strawberrys horse, honey pie pony (its her entire damn name, how sweet right? like all of them, i got diabete from this review but its the cost of maintaining this blog anyway, the kids are playing together on a that tree having fun jumping around like chimpanzees hooba hooba but sadly our filly quickly realizes she cant play king kong with them and keep falling on her ass,

yet since theyre all retarded or young (id say its a fifty-fifty case for them kinda normal ig, i mean they ARE literal 6yo) they try several ways of getting her up on that tree, not thinking how to get her down if they ever were to succeed (good for them: aint happening) its child labor too btw, from an horse still same deal what if honey pie fell down on them? crushing them corpses with her mighty pounds? the findus company would be delighted to hear such news, im sure its some quality (sweet ass) horse meat

once it all fails she understands a horse isnt meant to climb a tree, too big too fat its four legged, not even entertaining the relationship giraffes have with trees

but it aint over, then (after a talk with herself) hp hears the laughters of a bunch of kids which catches her attention, it always does who can ignore that sorta noise? although she aint annoyed by it shes just into the idea of riding a bike now, shes even gonna get a go at it oh yea thats it we finally found her human hobby gogdamn shes a backward furry

of course it fails aswell since she has no hand for the handle and shes heavy so i guess its the reason why she rides into w/e and cant stop? because otherwise she couldve also just.. actually it makes no sense does it? i mean she couldve easily stopped the ride actually how is that kid bike even holding her? ive never tried putting a pony on a bike for 6 y/o but i doubt about its capacity in not being crushed aswell as i doubt in the kids bones not being severely damaged after a visit under honey pies horsy buttcheeks

but all of that really makes her sad: she cant play with her human friends and shes the only horse around strawberry land or whatever see me tearing it for her, theres so much emotions in this episode especially after that filly trynna get kids to get into some horseplay horseshit like dude theyre only 6, lets go easy on them, might have a problem with the parents of the kids watching this episode no one even thought how fucked up this one part is? sure horseplay isnt only sexual or w/e but it still is the visual of 6yos on all four jumping around and neighing together with their ass a little bit too exposed wow im going on a dangerous road here? aint i? not gonna sue the writers im sure it was their subconscious speaking probably got issues from their childhood, eventually got them sorted out since 2004 what do i know? aside from me not caring

back on track : after seeing horsey being so sad the kiddos decide to get her a horse friend but where the fuck? they got no idea, they are proud nonetheless and go tell honey the good new until they are like “wait but we have no idea where to find horses!” ofc we get a big reveal, some serious strawberry shortcake lore: actually all the horses, ALL OF THEM FROM THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET are on one (1) single island: ice cream themed to diversify it all they are just chilling over there in ponyland and for some reason this one here got lost or idk guys she took the boat and checked the rest of the world out as an even younger filly, found strawberry and her friends and decided now she was a centaur  slash humanrry furry human, idk you get it but shes their friend and so on to introduce the concept of an AWESOME island full of equestrian activity and ofc ice cream but its kinda lame because who cares? everythings already made out of food, also why isnt the ice cream melting? its one water? nevermind for the introduction as i was saying, hp sings an horrendous sounding song it deteriorated my ear drums they got pierced or something  or maybe im exagerrating? either case horses cant sing:

so to the ice cream land they go, huh

of course it wouldnt be a big adventure without an almost broken bridge oh no whatever shall we do? could we possibly cross it safely? lets try it out  guys: yay it worked good for us little stress and suspense it was wack how they got honey pie out of the hole her big ass hoove made im mesmerized by the power of friendship and sugar at this point, just in full awe for the rest of the episode probably over dosed on all the ice cream flavoured horseshit, i got some all over my mouth its dripping on my desk i gotta clean that later

next thing we know: horses its all this episode is about (aside from labor) but you see, so far hp would switch between normal human language and neighing well turns out her other fellow equines can only neigh and so they just neigh together while our english well-spoken mammal translates to the moronic kids who just smile smuggly

of course the animals are having a welcome party then, dancing around while the morons are just bored, harsh one being a cartoon character isnt it guys? w/e theyre gonna ask for honey pie to come back home now, convinced that her natural habit isnt her place and she loves them too much to just leave them and never come back and break any plans they ever had together- oh shit looks like shes leaving forever huh? what a plot twist mark that on the bitch quota for today

the first one to leave is the little boy btw, important thing to note: hes the biggest pussy he cant even face reality: oh no, no more pony back time before sleep thats quite a bummer, downer and man how are they going to survive now they got no animal to watch over them? jesus theyre soon, on the boat (idk where they got it from idk why suddenly theyre on a boat because then theyre once again gonna cross that bridge but ok) anyway yea theyre having a relationship crisis during that ship trip yada yada ah and the bridge, because (see i do not call them morons for now reasons obviously they deserve this title not only because theyre 6 but also because they are just daft:) they proceed, once in the middle of the bridge all 4 of them, to stop and wonder

“will the bridge be able to hold all of us? wont it break? damn i wonder if it will crack” and they talks without moving until vlam: a tree comes and breaks it (dont ask) so now theyre in trouble:

back to ponyland: bitch pie realizes how much she misses her actual friends and that she can speak english which her other horse friends cant do so she is special and probably abnormal, shes a big outcat of the pony society and has no other reason but to escape her incoming death sentence for fraternizing with the humans of course none of the second part is true, she just wants to see the kids again so she says asta la vista baby to the neigher team and runs away see, she hasnt taken the boat and yet also arrive to the bridge? why a boat sequence then? i will skip this for now but it WILL play in the rating, imagine im the parent of the youngster watching this crap and i have to endure it

if it sucks this bad and is this illogical i might just get bored and change the channel, idc my progeny aint gonna be watching this in either case, ill make them watch political debates then interrogate them on what they learned after what but it wasnt actual political debates just random furry youtuber venting with their fursona sprites animated and thats how you make your kids retarded, the kick of this joke is that i aint planning on getting any kids but totally gonna make them watch classics too such as the attack of the killer donuts as soon as they reach 6 so they wont be dumb and probably not getting diabete or w/e in their adulthood

then honey pie saves the kids btw all of them, heavy shit

and they all go back to strawberryland, happily after a big “wow i missed you sm, you are my real friends w/e if you dont look like me i aint speciest guys really!” theyre all vegan too btw so this works for them i havent watched enough strawberry shortcake episodes to know if they ever eat meat but i have doubts seeing how theyre into a very cannibalistic diet which include eating dessert when obviously thats what they are at least half part, this cartoon raises a lot of political questions it may have a deeper value than i first attributed to it

the end: another terrible song plays about horseshit and how tasty it is

thats all folks

so the rating: big 6/10, so you know 5/10 if its a decent kid show where im highly eager to click on the x and get back making jams but nah

surprisingly enough, i only wanted to stop watching half of the episode and not the entirity of it so credits for thats since im an adult and not a kid, imagining kids enjoyed this sweet childish cartooness or w/e now why +1? its because of how many political questions it raised, how it made me think about our society and cakes yknow its more than kids having a conflict with an horse it talks about veganism, specism, handicap, cannibalism, the management of the limited ressources were exploiting and so on yea really makes you think, its subliminal messages to make kids smarter: they watch their dessert-imbecile counterparts doing bs and then get it right irl: good  ah- it also makes it better for you when youre watching this with your kid, you suddenly transcend to another level of spirituality, existential crisis activated or at least reasoning mode or w/e youre willing to name this the point is you arent bored still despite all of this i rated it quite low for such a serious kid cartoon what couldve possibly made me tic? 1) kids are morons and cant understand all of this, not clear enough for the targeted public 2) projection onto the characters/dialogues from the writers of their childhood traumas (the horse play event didnt go unnoticed, karren brown) 3) my little pony ripoff 4) its controversial, our society, especially in 2004 couldnt understand the depth of this shit and finally 5) i got so much ice cream flavoured horseshit all over my desk god help me this is so filthy what a fucking mess i would totally recommand it to anyone who feels like being blown away by the statements made in this work of art 6/10 but really we all know in the future, itll be a 9/10, some ahead-of-its-time-crap

tg, out

[flying-elliska]

Hi Ellie!! I hope u dont mind this ask ❤Do u have any advice on how to do stuff on your checklist and not get overwhelmed? I can hardly do one thing out of my to do list and then i get severely depressed for not being able to do anything. i dont think i can function like a human being sometimes. anyway youre so cool ellie!!! i admire you loads!!! - help asked from one adhd struggling teen

HI anon ! I’m sorry for not answering sooner i had a beautiful answer ready and then Tumblr just ate it T_T anyway i don’t mind at all i think it’s awesome that you’re asking me ! this is honestly still something I’ve struggled a lot with. here are a few things that helped me (keep in mind i’m not a professional and this is only my personal, limited point of view) :

- ofc the first thing is to get as much help as you can, there are lots of people out there who can help. Generally talk to people around you about your problems ; often they want to help and just don’t know how : i know the tendency to feel ashamed and keep it in but that’s not good. Some people might be a bit ignorant so maybe keep a few ressources on hand you can send to people to educate them if that’s an issue ; and educate yourself so you feel more secure and legitimate in your opinions. 

- one thing that’s helped me lots is to go on #ADHDtwitter and #Neurodiversesquad because a lot of people on there are actual adults who are sharing both their struggles but also tips on how to actually manage the symptoms and have full and happy, if messy, lives. It’s very inspiring. It helped me a lot to feel understood, less alone and gave me a ton of ideas. Some accounts to start with : @ danidonovan - @ blkgrllostkeys @ ADHD_Alien (her comics are so cute) @ dustyexner plus lots of others

- regarding having trouble doing things, this is definitely a Big Damn Problem for adhd folks. the concept of the emotional Wall of Awful really helped me with this, you can find more about it in this Youtube video by the awesome How To ADHD channel (all her videos are so helpful !! have a look!) basically the idea is that we accumulate emotions linked to certain tasks based on unhappy past emotions that make it a lot harder for us to do things and that building it down takes a lot of time and effort but there are ways to work with/around that. learning to process, connect to and be more mindful of our emotions is a huge task, but it’s often a central one. 

- don’t try too hard to be neurotypical aka ‘normal’. find the solutions that work for YOU. If they’re a bit weird ? Whatever. The point is that it works. You will probably end up having weird routines that make no sense to others but it doesn’t matter as long as it helps you. Be creative and don’t be afraid to think outside the box. I’ll give you an example :  one of the reasons i hate going to bed early is because late at night is when i feel the most free of outside obligations and therefore i don’t want to give that up. So instead what i’ve been trying to do from time to time is a ‘clown hour’ where i basically give myself permission to do whatever the fuck i want (within reason lmao) but in an active way ; basically indulge my rebellious inner 8 yr old. Last time I ended up watching martial arts videos on youtube and practicing kickboxing kicks on the Mulan soundtrack and then put on funeral music and improvised my own eulogy by thinking about what i would like people to say about me after my death. Lmao that sounds completely wack when explained to other people but the point is - stuff like that really helped me reconnect to the idea that my time is mine to do with as i please, not just late at night. Anyway my point is : make it fun, make it a game, try things, experiment. Our brains crave novelty and if they don’t have it and feel burdened by shame, pressure and expectations of course they get depressed and stuck. Give your brain the fuel it needs to work. 

- just accept that sometimes you’re going to be a mess. it’s okay. you can be a bit of a mess and also live a fully, happy, joyous life. our society puts so much pressure on us to have this Perfect Instagram Life where everything is polished to unrealistic standards and gives us the idea that your morals are linked to productivity and if you are not constantly striving to be a Model Consumer Pretty Picture you are a Bad Person and a slob/lazy/unworthy/etc and all of that is...toxic garbage of the highest order that everyone should unlearn but especially us. related to that i would be careful with use of social media, tailor it to only give you content that makes you feel good/intellectually engaged/creative because it’s so easy for us to go into bad comparative spirals.

- tied to that be careful of your own perfectionist drives. it’s veeeeery common for adhd people to want to overcompensate their perceived shortcomings by wanting to be perfect. aka you haven’t done anything in weeks and all of a sudden you have this insane to do list where you expect yourself to turn your entire life around in a week. well, not going to happen. i’ve found it so important to limit myself. for instance what i do now is i forbid myself to put more than 5 items on any todo list. once i’ve cleared items i can add more, but not before. it’s a lot less scary that way. also prioritizing is very important so you don’t get bogged down in details.

- try to be mindful of your own energy. a big tendency of adhd people is to overpromise and underdeliver because we are enthusiastic and we want to please people but we are bad at estimating time/energy it will need. learn more about your own boundaries, what things are hard for you to do (for me, it’s socializing in groups) and what gives you energy (for me it’s writing, reading and walking in the woods) and try to balance that. learn to say no, it’s tough but necessary. So that you have enough left for the tasks you need to do. 

- create an environment that is benevolent and helpful for you in which to work/do things and that generates positive emotions. Get yourself a cute notebook. Put on happy music. Don’t forget to feed yourself. Don’t give into the urge of punishing yourself. You deserve happy good things - not overindulgence as escape - but our brains thrive on short term rewards. Bundle the unpleasant tasks with more stimulating stuff (for instance i always listen to podcasts while cleaning/grocery shopping etc). Create pleasant little routines for yourself (for instance one of the first things i try to do in the morning is do a little drawing of my emotions, it makes me happy, then i have tea and i plan my day.). Put on alarms constantly so you don’t lose track of time, but with a cool song. Find yourself cheerleaders who can encourage you in a positive way. Stuff like the pomodoro technique, timing yourself while doing a task, etc, can really help. Or telling yourself you will do a thing for ten minutes and stop when it’s unbearable, etc. Prioritize joy, pride, affection, desire to help, altruism, love, curiosity, interest and passion as motivators, instead of anxiety, guilt and shame. 

- find ways to build self esteem and confidence in your own skills. it’s often a lack of that that can block you from doing what you need to because you might be afraid of screwing it up. what I did for a while, for instance, is to keep a record of the stuff i did everyday and then extrapolated the skills i displayed from that. another thing you can do is make a list of simple skills you want to learn and find ways to do that, like youtube tutorials, etc. especially when it’s practical stuff and quick to learn, it can really feel so good, and make you more familiar with a sensation of success (and if you fail it can be a fun experiment gone wrong, and self discovery, you don’t have to be good at everything.)

- find ways to challenge yourself. depression happens for adhd people when we let ourself stagnate, isolate ourselves because of shame, and get into this idea that we are subhuman and we don’t deserve good things. that is false. you deserve a happy life. and our brains crave novelty. find your passion and indulge in it, find the things that make your brain come alive (as long as they’re healthy ofc). if you’re not sure what that is, just keep trying. you will find it. but resist the temptation to make your life smaller and smaller. you might mess up but that’s okay. it’s human and it will make for interesting stories later. instead of trying too hard to ‘fix’ yourself, focus on developping your positive sides. it will give you energy, self-respect and draw you forwards like a rocketship. we thrive on passion, not reprimand. 

- anyways : i know how tough it can be. depression is really something i struggle with, too. and doing things remains Hard. but my point is, you are not alone, and you are not broken. chances are you too, like most adhd people i know, are a fun, creative, compassionate person with a heart of gold and so much to give. our main enemy is most often the shame that comes with living in a world that is not adapted to us. but the truth is we are just playing the game of life on a much harder setting than a lot of people, and we don’t even have the manual. of course it’s going to create struggle ! so i think the best thing to do for yourself is cultivate a sense of compassion towards yourself, self acceptance, and humor. 

- as a teen you probably have a limited margin of autonomy to make your lifestyle fit your needs but - there is so much potential for it to get better ! as you grow in self knowledge and ability to make your own choices, you will find the right solutions and your life will get so much better. i have heard so many stories like this. since i got diagnosed, too, my life got a lot better. i won’t lie, it’s a lifelong process. but there is so much possible. give yourself time. you are so young, and you are definitely a human being. being human is struggling with being flawed and vulnerable and imperfect. i know the world can be shit sometimes, you probably got some negative messages - especially from your own brain bc depression definitely lies to you ! but don’t let yourself be guided by ignorance and fear. you deserve better. i bet you’re also super cool. the happier you are, the better off the world will be. so invest in yourself. educate yourself, develop your self knowledge, be kind to yourself, and keep making little steps. you’ll get there. <3

[jess-do-it]

(Transcribed w/ Permission from @jessfromonline) Thread: Many people are now out on the streets for the first time. as such, let's talk very basic, everyone should know this, 'this should be general and not sensitive knowledge' protest, action, and street tactics. let's get organized and be effective!

Source: https://mobile.twitter.com/jessfromonline/status/1268620358950649858

(Note: I am not this person, this is a transcript of their twitter thread I made with their permission)

Have a protest buddy. do not go to a protest without a buddy. preferably have a crew. 

if you have a crew, it should still be split into buddies. crews should choose a spoke (spokesperson) who calls movements and communicates with people.

if you have a large crew, you should have a spoke + lieutenants/LTs/whatever you wanna call them. their job is disseminating calls but more importantly, to track the people grouped under them. when shit pops off, it's easy to lose people. LTs watch to see if anyone in their subgroup is missing, and spoke checks for the LTs. a system of accountability. STILL buddy up in subgroups. 

If you've got a good bloc on the ground, you can call 'spokes' to get a spokes council together and make larger decisions about what to do.

Your crew should have a basic, 1-syllable, generic word, that changes at every action, which you can call and each crew member replies with the word. feels dorky but worth it. arrange all this ahead of time. this allows you to quickly count your crew & check no one dropped.

You should have an offsite person, preferably two. Here is a guide for doing offsite.

designate 1-2 comms people. they have phones and retrieve info on cop movements from offsite via signal. on a vpn, burner phone if you can.

ideally no one besides comms should have a phone on them. easier to track. tradeoff: if you lose someone makes it harder to figure out what happened. consider battery-out phones for non-comms people. 

write a number for legal support hotline in your area on body in sharpie

Before a protest, work out with your crew what your risk levels are. you can have different levels but try to avoid buddying across levels. will you brawl with fash? cops? risk arrest? loot? burn? graffiti? dont make those decisions in the moment.

I have no easy advice for what happens if you lose someone. have comms immediately report to off-site who can try to track them down. if you're large you can send an lt+subgroup to look, but they may have just gotten out and left. they could be arrested or with medics. off-site can start checking jails and hospitals for them. see off-site guide for what info you need for this and how to collect. if you have better advice for when people drop unexpectedly, put it in the replies.

Never talk to cops never talk to cops never talk to cops never talk to cops. if you're arrested dont talk. if they approach you during dont talk. you can yell harassment but dont do it once you're arrested. you can sing if you want. group singing in jails keeps spirits up. (Singing is a super spreading activity for covid, pointed out at end of this thread).

If you can, know your local PD. some departments publish whitepapers on their tactics. talk to local protest veterans in your area to learn about what your city's cops do. every area is difference and this can make the different between success or failure.

Use all the gear you got. helmet, goggles, gloves, umbrella, etc. carry water if you can (ONLY ONLY WATER TO FLUSH EYES. ONLY.) you gotta stay hydrated too. generic clothes, packs, etc. if possible. more common the better. Don't carry too heavy but it's really worth it. helmets feel ridiculous? you'll regret not taking it when you take a round to the head.

Consider having handles for your crew. it's a lot better to yell someone's handle than their name when you need their attention. Handles should be short (1-2 syllables) and minimally linked to the person. practice using only a person's handle. let's move on to broader thinking (might jump back if i think of stuff)

Situational awareness. you can practice this all the time but it's v important during an action. What are your exits? have they changed? what are your numbers vs. their's? what's their posture? what's behind, in front, sides? what gear to they have? re-evaluate constantly. i'm going to say it again. exits exits exits. where can your crew go if it gets too hot. if you dont have a clear exit try to move as soon as possible.

Extending on that: police will often try to kettle, aka surround you and trap you in. keep the bloc moving to the cops' weakest side to avoid a kettle. don't be afraid to tell people what to do. they'll thank you if you avoid a kettle. move without em if you have to but dont isolate your crew too much or you're easy to pick off and arrest. Also, be careful: cops may take advantage of this to get you to slowly push farther and farther from your objectives. sometimes you gotta stand your ground. know your numbers and know your strategy. sometimes it's time to stay. a spokes-council might be able to decide. talk about this ahead of time.

Don't yell where the exit is with cops around, but do disseminate it in a crowd. your crew, minimum, must always know.

Keep your crew looking in all directions and regularly switching. dont get snuck up on.

Don't get picked off. cops will arrest 1 person quicker than 10, 50. non-covid times, the advice is to "tighten up!" the bloc, so they cant snatch and grab. YMMV during these times. evaluated based on the situation.

Banners rule for this. theyre not just propaganda. if you have a heavy banner (tarp, etc.) in the front, they can't as easily grab through and arrest. stay behind it if you can. 

Learn to communicate clearly and tersely under pressure. people underestimate this skill. you dont need 'please' or extra words.  Don't chatter. learn to give a 'sitrep' (situational report) in which you report all the info from 16. spokes, ask you LTs for sitreps. give them when new folks arrive.

Back to the individual: if you can't keep up, DON'T GO. hard lesson to learn. as a person with chronic digestive issues, i've fucked this up. if you're incapacitated you're a liability. consider learning to run offsite, or going to less intense actions. know what to expect based on recent police activity, level of risk planned for the action, the capabilities of your crew, etc. i know you might feel obligated to be in the streets but if your crew has to care or slow down for you instead of acting, that's hurting not helping. but try not to let this discourage you from trying if you can. unless you're sure with your health and/or fitness you can't, it is good to try. we need numbers. but dont push yourself when you cant. there's more to the work than the streets.

Dont share unconfirmed info. dont repeat info from people you dont trust. ive seen so many actions where someone thinks they see a cop and then everyone is yelling "cop" and freaked out and scattering and theres no cop. be careful. misinfo is worse than no info.

Some of this is gonna feel ridiculous and tryhard. being good at this takes trying hard. be vulnerable and push your crew to do this. you'll be safer and more effective because you do.

Eat well, plenty of protein rich food the day before. hydrate well day of. physical condition matters for this.

Sometimes you gotta pee. you can pee in an empty bottle, or you can pee on the ground. MANY people wear diapers. this isnt the time for shame. do what you need.

When you gotta do something like pee, change, sometimes even drink, if you're in bloc, you gotta hide. get to the center of the bloc if you can. call 'cover me' or 'flag' (if the crowd has flags) and they'll wrap you. kneel and do what you gotta do.

Some of this advice is for when you have a coherent bloc, but there's been less of those in this round of protests. still, keep it in mind.

If you're in bloc, consider bringing generic clothes to change into in a bag. gym clothes and local team sportwear are great. either do 28 and slip out somewhere under cover, or scatter and hide, and change in your hiding place. bring a bag to put your bag in.

How are you getting in and out? can you pay for public transit in cash (this still means being on cameras, keep your hat down)? can someone drive you in (drop off far, so they cant see plates)? lock up your bike somewhere?

This is counter-intuitive, but unless it's a covert action, where your goal is to get in and out without ever being noticed, keep your ID and a bit of cash in your pocket. ID will get you in and out of jail faster. again: NOT FOR COVERT ACTIONS. and dont drop it.

Try to know your success and failure conditions before your crew goes out. when is it no longer worth it and time to bail? what are you trying to accomplish and how do you know you're doing so? try to create criteria if you can

in large, multi-site protests like we're seeing rn, if all you're doing is occupying cops, you're helping a lot. standoffs mean they arent somewhere else. looting they HAVE to respond to because property > people for cops. small groups can make big differences here.

Share your sitreps with other spokes if you can. if you notice a kettle, tell everybody and try to move everyone. have some chutzpah: you can do it.

DON'T LEAD PEOPLE INTO FENCED IN PARKS OR ENCLOSED ALLEYS PLEASE JUST DON'T PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU. HAVE MANY EXITS.

Consider carrying print maps of the area. dont mark them with objectives in case they get taken. review maps of the area ahead of time.

We already talked offsite and comms, i won't cover offsite much here, read the guide

Scouts! a good scout team is invaluable. especially bike scouts. get a signal chat and people on bikes in strategic locations reporting movements.

Don’t put everybody in the scouts chat. keep a few offsite people reading the scout chat and relaying in to comms people.

If somebody gets arrested that you're in a chat with, put 'dead the chat' and everybody should immediately leaved. someone should contact the person that killed the chat to find out who got picked up and exclude them from the new chat.

If y'all are super coordinated and have a ton of planning (not happening much right now) consider having a marshal in charge of calling moves for the whole bloc. spokes-council should still be convened and can challenge, but even the spanish anarchists elected military officials. in the field, you need a chain of command to operate quickly and effectively and outcompete cops.

Read this thread. remember, you dont have to be able to go toe-to-toe with cops. you just have to make your group not worth the consequences of dealing with.

Where are you going when the protest/action is done? are you all rallying at one point? have a plan.

Everyone check in with offsite when you get back. you all need to know everyone got home safe, or start checking jails/hospitals.

Offsite should know who is organizing jail support so they can pass that off when needed.

This is all easier if you know folks ahead of time.  show up to your local left orgs. even if it doesn't feel like you're doing a lot yet, those relationships matter.

WHITE PEOPLE: put yourself between police and people of color. they are much less likely to be as brutal with you. this should be established policy in your crew, esp if your crew is (as it ideally should be, if not ask why) multiracial.

WHITE PEOPLE: while Black opinion isnt a monolith & you dont have to regard the scolding of every Black liberal (see thread): if there are Black people/other people of color around and they're not escalating tactics, you shouldnt be unless its agreed. See this thread.

What does your crew and your bloc do if someone is injured? for some blocs, if medics have them, you leave them behind with medics and keep moving. it can be bad to jeopardize and trap the whole bloc for one person who is with medics who they are gonna be with anyway. on the OTHER hand, some blocs reasonably dont want to leave anyone behind and want to stay to cover people with medics (police sometimes respect medic neutrality, sometimes don't.) most important is: KNOW WHICH Y'ALL ARE DOING. DONT WAFFLE BACK & FORTH, DONT SPLIT THE BLOC.

Quick addition cuz it shouldn't be missing: if you're carrying a phone dont have touch ID on your phone, police can legally compel you to activate touch ID but they can't compel a password. also turn off location services and wifi unless you absolutely need them.

diff cops have diff legal options as well! in the middle of old city in philly, there's a federal park with park rangers. if they nab you, it's probably a federal charge, way worse. we're more scared of the rangers lol. know local uniforms if you can.

While we're here, some other extremely useful threads:

buying shit and not getting caught

riot control projectiles

take shifts! i didn't think to include it because it's longer term, but it's vital. we've certainly been dealing with it in philly.

this is a good COVID-19 specific tip. need to be a lot more careful about singing in custody during the pandemic.

having regular check-in times with offsite are a good idea

there's 50 tips for being effective in the street. might come back and add more later. i'm not the 'expert' and YMMV and you can disagree and your city might operate differently. that said:

i can tell you these are learned lessons from years out there & if you use them you'll do a lot, lot better than if you dont. you and your crew will be safer, and youll achieve your objectives more often. ounce of prevention worth a pound of cure. put in the work, and let's win.

---

End transcript. People should take a look at that thread because it is being constantly updated with a lot of good information. Stay safe out there and fight this shit.

Source: https://mobile.twitter.com/jessfromonline/status/1268620358950649858

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

answers (16)

Anonymous said: A lot of these secrets are really serious and sad so heres a lighter one: me and my sister are knitting christmas socks for the whole family as a surprise. Ive never knit a pattern before but im really good!!

Amazing!! 

Anonymous said: idk if your still doing this but my secret is I fear im a terrible person who only acts nice to rick people into liking her and ik that actually does make me an okay but i still feel im doing it for the wrong reasons and someones going to get too close and find out the truth and hate me

That’s very self aware of you, I think-- probably too self aware. You’re absolutely right to say it’s the trying that matters, but I’m not gonna blame you for worrying about it. I have similar concerns about myself sometimes. I’m aware that for me personally they’re partially justified. Some of my kindness is self motivated. 

I think though (and it seems like you already know this) it’s the effect of the kindness that matters. Maybe it’s better for me if I have “pure” intentions, but if I don’t, I should still do the kind things anyway, right? Because at the end there’s still going to be good. And there’s nothing bad about actively trying to be good, which is all we’re doing. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that ive been chasing after a dream my whole life but im not sure ill ever achieve it. times running out and i dont know what to do if i cant. i feel like my whole life has been put on standby and i dont know the way out. i know ill be okay in the end but i dont know what the end will be and that scares me.

Shit that’s relatable. You really will be okay, but it’s terrifying in the meantime, isn’t it? To have those turning points bearing down on you?

Things will happen. You can’t stop that. Time is gonna continue, but you’ll still be there at the end. Your head’s already in the right place. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I really, really like one of my friends, but he has a girlfriend and slept with one of my best friends when they were both super drunk. I want the feelings to stop and go back to being just friends, because I honestly think I don't have a chance, but there is a small part of me that doesn't want to let go. I don't know what to do.

Well that’s a bitch of a situation, isn’t it? Romantic feelings aren’t really my area, but I understand holding on to things you consciously want to let go. Emotions always feel like part of me, you know? I don’t want to tear them away. Sometimes it’s better to do it, though. I don’t know from a few sentences if that’s the case here, but I hope you find the way that’s the best for you 

Anonymous said: My secret is I used to be suicidal, in my pre/early teens. I had realised I was lesbian in a small, largely Catholic town and hated myself for it. I was awful at social situations and couldn’t make friends. I hated myself for having baby fat because I danced part time. Then as I got older I slowly got more confident until one day a friend died I realised that holy shit I used to be suicidal and I could have killed myself. I’m terrified that I might get like that again and actually do it

Honestly, and I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I’m always in awe of folks like you. I don’t handle my own mental health issues super well most of the time, and to hear about someone growing? Changing? Getting better? Amazing

Anonymous said: If you're still taking these... my secret is that I don't want to give birth to children ever, and would consider adopting instead (when I'm older), but if I were to voice that to any family member or even an acquitance, they would shun me for it and make sure they try to talk me out of it. I really hate how conservative people put so many expectations on my shoulders

Heyyyyyy same. I’m not planning on birthing any kids, but my parents have come down pretty heavily on the single-women-should-not-adopt-children thing, which is.... bullshit. I’m gonna adopt some kids one day, whether they like it or not. 

You know your own mind and your own plans. Other people don’t have to be happy about them, even (maybe especially) family members. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I’m a bad friend. I don’t make time for the few friends I have and spend most my time working or being in my room. They deserve better than me.

I don’t think you’re a bad friend. Not being around isn’t bad-friend behavior. You’re not hurting anyone. You’re not doing anything wrong. And I certainly don’t think that it justifies the idea that they should leave you. Relationships are always kinda a difficult balancing act, but you don’t have to be perfect at balancing it, you know?

Anonymous said: My secret is that I'm extremely self-sufficient, I've always had to be. But because there's no one else taking care of me it's so hard to invest my time in others because I'll neglect my own mental state. It make sit hard to develop stable relationships. Every once in a while I re-realize that I'm no one's priority so I have to be my own. And it just sucks.

Shit anon that’s really really rough. It makes me sad with you. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong, because I don’t know, do I? But I hope you are. 

Anonymous said: My secret is I imagine myself as OCs I create for certain fandoms like Young Justice or Castlevania, and I spend all my time daydreaming of how I would act in episodes and how I would interact with the characters. I think it’s because I’m not satisfied with my life, and I’m also afraid that this makes me either weird or crazy.

Oh biggest mood

I do that too. I’m not in a position to say whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I like to think it just makes us creative. For me, it eventually found an outlet in writing, and that’s been a big source of joy in my life. I had some unpleasant experiences sharing that stuff with people in the past, but for me? I don’t worry about it anymore. I know a lot of people that do similar stuff.

Write some fanfiction, maybe :) You might be real good at it

Anonymous said: My secret is I’m secretly attracted to people who are better than me at stuff

That’s not really my area, but seems to me that’s a pretty good thing to be attracted to. One of the sweetest things I hear around school is people talking about how their partners are going to be such good lawyers. It’s cute. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my anxiety is crushing me. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Oh, anon. I just.... feel you. I’ve been really struggling lately with the idea that other people move through life without that handicap, and it amazes and angers me. Why don’t I get that? Why am I like this? It isn’t fair. 

And it isn’t. It just isn’t. You didn’t ask to death match your brain every second of the day. You’re not any worse than everyone else, so why do you have to suffer? I don’t know. I really don’t.

The only happy thing I can say to you is people do heal. It’s bullshit that it takes so much time and effort, but it is possible. I’m better off now than I was five years ago, even if it did take five years and a whole lot of therapy, medication, and energy. You shouldn’t have to fight like this, but you can, and you can win. 

Anonymous said: My secret is Im so bitter most of the time that I cant be happy for others. Me and my best friend are both singers but I can never be happy for her when she gets compliments or any success bc im jealous and im scared I'll never learn to be selfless and happy for other people

You’re only human. You have human emotions. You have every right to feel them. The only thing that matters is your choices, because that’s the only thing you can control. 

I’m so sorry you’re scared. That’s another emotion you have every right to feel 

Anonymous said: My secret is that sometimes I hated myself for not express what I felt because I thought they'll hate me or make distance of me but I'm learning to express my feelings to others and try to be more confidence :) I hope you'll be brave too and do whatever you want to do 💜

I wanna be anon when I grow up 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my hands hurt all the time but in different ways, and I’m scared to get help because I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m making it up or being dramatic.

Man do I hate the shit people put you through to get medical help. Everybody’s entitled to ask, aren’t they? So why are we all making that difficult? Why are we making people feel bad about their own pain?

I understand your fear, but I hope you start asking questions anyway. Other people’s opinions about it aren’t your fault

Anonymous said: My secret is that my dermatillomania has gotten way worse since I got to college, so I’m having to wear headscarves again to keep myself from picking my scalp. I smuggled my scarf collection out of my room without telling my parents.

I’m sorry, anon. That’s difficult. That sucks. That’s bullshit. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that when one of my family members says something homophobic I'll laugh and agree because I'm afraid that they'll disown me if there's any shred of proof that I'm LGBT and it makes me feel like such filth

That’s not your fault. It’s theirs for making you feel unsafe, because your safety really should be your first priority! That’s okay! You’re not being a bad person by doing it. You’re just protecting someone. You’re allowed to make that someone you

[juliabenerdy]

Yes, Because PMS wasn’t Hard enough!!

So every woman feels their She-Hulk burst out of themselves during the week of their monthly visit. 

For some women it’s like having a demon rise from the depths of hell though. I wanted to bring this up because not many woman or really anyone is educated about PMDD--Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is a severe form of PMS that includes physical and behavioral symptoms that usually resolve with the onset of menstruation. PMDD being a cyclic hormone based mood disorder is commonly considered a severe and disabling form of PMS. Many women of course, 85% experience the normal PMS. Only around 5% of women will be diagnosed with PMDD according to the American Journal of Psychiatry. 

Hi folks. Yeah didn’t mean to get medical journal on you or anything but that is the basic definition of PMDD and I am someone that is part of the 5% of the (un)lucky women that go through this hellphase every month. Yes, every month the body drags me into a phase of hormonal hell. 

I discovered the disorder when I was researching my symptoms and noticed that I was always getting worse with my depression and migraines during my period. My husband would also say I would have horrible mood swings and strikes of anger and irritability. Haha...he would say this very carefully of course. When I talked to my doctor and at the time I was seeing a neurologist for my migraines they both said I have PMDD. It normally starts for woman around their thirties. I was lucky to get it around my upper twenties which is common as well. 

PMDD can cause extreme mood shifts that can disrupt work and damage relationships. Here are the symptoms common to PMDD: 

Mood Swings

Depression or feelings of hopelessness

Intense anger and conflict with other people

Tension, anxiety, and irritability

Difficulty Concentrating

Fatigue

Change in appetite

Feeling out of control

Sleep problems

Cramps and Bloating

Breast Tenderness

Headaches

Joints and muscle pain

Hot flashes

Already being diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and having PTSD makes having a hormonal disorder even more of a nightmare. My depression and anxiety goes up to 2.0 level. My mood swings are out of this world where I feel like sometimes I am super happy one moment and then really upset the next. I am an extroverted person and I am normally happy, but when this time comes around I do feel intense anger and I have conflicts with people when I am normally pretty easy going. Imagine having all these issues 7 to 10 days before your menses and only when you start you feel a little better. Not me though...I live with mental illness everyday so what to I get to do? Only when I start my menses I get to go from Julia She Hulk 2.0 so regular Julia Mental Case 1.0.

I hate feeling like I am only normal maybe one week of the entire month. Lets look at April so far shall we?

I start the 11th. That means I actually start the PMDD symptoms Monday the 1st of April. Anger, irritability, tension, and fatigue all kick in to the fullest extent around that time. Even to the point where I try to be superwoman for a co-worker on Friday the 5th and get in a bit of an argument with a different co-worker because of it. I couldn’t help it, my righteous self justice had to be heard! 😁Bloating and cramping, of course and they start their a little later than the mood. In this case it was starting the weekend and all the way through the end of the menses. End date would be 15th where there is some relief. However, I feel aches, pains and fatigue. Could be from my normal Julia 1.0 depression or remnants of 2.0. At least my mood is better and I get happier and in a better mood.

So out of the entire month I get two weeks that I am my kind of normal. At least not the Julia Hulk version of me. This whole thing was really depressing me this month and the only way to really make me feel better was to write and share about it. I thought maybe if I shed some light about the disorder someone else could be like “hey that sounds like something I go through too!” and they can speak to a doctor like I have. I don’t know. I feel like writing and researching things gives me some sort of power and control over what I am experiencing and feeling. I often feel out of control of my emotions which is due not only due my depression and anxiety for certain but also probably to my ENFP (Meyers-Briggs) personality. 

This month instead of wallowing in self loathing and hate I decided to see what I can start doing to make myself feel better, not just over all with my life-style, but during those two weeks of hellphase. Since doctors really don’t know what causes PMDD there is not really a cure or anything. Researchers mostly believe that it may be an abnormal reaction to hormonal changes related to the menstrual cycle. Hooray....*dripping with sarcasm*

I had to go looking for things to assist me from now on. No more hellphase...I am looking for more like...sucky time. I know it wont be sunshine and rainbows all the time because that is not realistic but I need to look for some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. Some treatments for PMDD:

Antidepressents (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors to be exact--I actually take Cymbalta and it also helps with pain so my doc said it is good for migraines)

Hormone Therapy (birth control pills---already on these)

Changes in diet---so this is one I am actually working on actively no just for this but to loose weight and to over all change my life. 

Regular excercise--again this is something that I am slowly adding to my routine...slowly because I got severely overweight due to my mental health

Stress Management--- journaling, meditating, talking to others, or engaging in a hobby are all things suggested for this if not more...I actually consider my new found blogging a part of my stress management. I am hoping to do it more. I also want to do yoga and meditate. I see a counselor too and I love those sessions. 

Vitamin Supplements---so it is said that 1200 milligrams of calcium, vitamin B-6, magnesium and something called L-trytophan can help but I am not really sure why

Some Over the Counter Meds- Of course there is the ibprofren and aspirin for the headaches, backaches, and cramping, but I am throwing this out there because nothing I read so far as mentioned it. Midols Severe formula is a life saver. I recommend it even if you dont have PMDD. It is literally my happy pill. It cures my fatigue, my bloating gone, cramping eased for awhile, and I even feel like my mood enhances a little. Miracle!!! So I swear by it! Hahaha

Anyway, this month is over and I am back to Julia 1.0 or maybe this is Julia 2.0 and the icky feeling one is Julia 1.0? I dont know, but what I am trying to say is i have a plan for next month and I am going to have a part two with how it goes with my little treatment plan! In case anyone is reading out there! Wish me luck!

[mlstymonsoon]

what gag layout type can say about a toon

[note: sorry if smth similars been done. i wouldnt know or remember kjghlkfhg but anyways this is more referring to the toons themselves and not referring to the actual players! lots of toontown societal lore-based stuff in here and how toon lifestyle affects personality n stuff idk!!!!! if u find any errors in my wordz i apologize]

✰ the conventionalists ✰

Toonupless ; The Protector

toons without the only healing gag track available to the community may seem unfeeling at first glance, but they give it their all in battle with their strongest gags and lure so toonup isn’t needed in the first place. 

more of a loner or soloist, not needing a healing gag due to not being around other toons.  might hold a guilty conscious about being unable to heal others depending on how they were raised.  some may go toonupless for not wanting the responsibility of healing; they would rather continue to attack to avoid further toon damage.  tend to be more stoic/serious than other toons and/or lack a strong sense of humor itself.  very aware toons that like to take in a lot of news.

Trapless ; The Utilizer

these trapless toons are one of the most common you’ll see around each of the neighborhoods and with good reason; they have a fair amount of defense and offense gags to choose from.

are often diligent; don’t mind the sluggish training drop can bring and power through adversity.   appreciate the flexible usage of drop with its high damage and lack of needing someone else to complete the attack, as compared to the similar trap track.  decent cognitive skills and work well alone as well as with a group.  willing to improvise if the time calls for it and can do so quite successfully.

Lureless ; The Thinker

lureless folks are an interesting bunch as they cannot stall any cogs or activate their trap by themselves. some would think it’s a poor choice, having to rely on others like that but dont worry, they know what they’re doing.

great communicators and problem-solvers.  evidently work smoothly in groups but can be just as efficient in times they are alone by giving it all they got before cogs can attack continuously.  good at making quick decisions in and out of battles.  would rather ponder their next move instead of luring all the cogs and calling it a day.  are very loyal friends and learn to trust others in times of need.

Soundless ; The Strategist

sound. the one track society tries to tell toons that you can’t live without it. its constantly the go-to in countless situations. yet soundless toons prove sound could be obsolete and they could all still survive.

prefer to take things more slow and steady.  extremely efficient; just know how to get things done.  tend to be highly experienced and clever.  good explainers and dont fear sharing their thoughts aloud.  may be notably more sensitive to loud noises and/or appreciate the quiet. ambiverted; can communicate well when needed but do need to recharge after a while.  willing to stand up for others and themselves. 

Dropless ; The Initiator 

drop has a bad reputation with these toons due to its slow-paced and tedious training which doesnt pair well with energized dropless folks’ need to always be moving forward.

prefer to be in control of their situations as much as possible.  work very well and efficiently in groups.  dislike when things dont go as they planned.  are at their best when in a fast-paced environment.  tend to be good at hiding emotions; are more likely to be passive-aggressive when upset.  most show pride in themselves but still care about others and their accomplishments.  aren’t too afraid of confrontations.

✰ the non-conventionalists ✰

Throwless ;  The Go-Getter

possibly one of the most common unconventional layouts out there in toontown. many wonder why these toons would dare to leave out such a foundational and useful gag track. reasons vary but one thing’s for sure—they’re up for it.

dont mind having to mix things up a little; flexible.  are very aware of their strengths and know their limits. courageous to do the unexpected and enjoy doing so, even if some effectiveness is lost in battle.  less likely to prefer sweets as their favorite choice of food.  tend to be very experienced in battles; knowledgable.  probably would laugh if a toon tried to underestimate or belittle them.

Squirtless ; The Achiever

these toons lack the complementary gag track to the other deemed-essential, throw. being able to stop training squirt at a lower level than throwless folks who need at least cream pie makes this choice favorable, but still always raises the question of why. to which they say: why not?

prefer to not appear too out-of-the-ordinary in most battles. take pride regardless in themselves. more predictable than their throwless counterparts.  might dislike getting wet more than the average toon—good luck finding them at donald’s dock. down to face a challenge every now and then.  quick-thinkers who tend to choose their gags first when in a group.  mentally prepare themselves for potential situations that could occur.

Semi ; The Supporter

toons whom would once be considered an uber now are high laff with the same few gag tracks they had when they were low laff. these wild toons know what efficiency truly is.

may not say aloud to their teammates what their only gags are, as to simply adapt and work fast with what the others are choosing to use.  like to live in their own little world; creative and imaginative.  enjoy pushing limits and taking risks.  try to remain a step ahead of everyone else in battle.  may be more likely to having a carefree, easygoing personality.  absolute workaholics who always feel like they need to be doing something. 

Uber ; The Survivor

the special little guys who go big or go home!! ubers with their low laff leaves them much more vulnerable to cog attacks but their maxed gags make up for what little health they have. they'll fight just as well as any 100-laffer!

have to always be working hard to afford all the gags they’ll have to keep buying after they go sad numerous times.  dont let setbacks get them down.  strong-willed toons always living on the edge—got nothing to lose.  chill to talk with, very social and grateful and enjoy the company of others.  modest as hell.  good listeners and willing to cooperate.

✰ the toon citizens ✰

Gagless ; The Worker / The Young

gagless toons simply do not get involved in cog-related business and work in another field such as doctors, nurses, mechanics, store workers, therapists, chefs, cops, caretakers, and so on. these toons are often overlooked but are vital to the toontown community, which is why when kidnappings-by-cog occur, it gets taken seriously and large groups go to search for and save them. 

toons may start gag training only to decide they’d prefer to not continue on with a cog-fighting lifestyle. they’ll have to return their gag pouch to officials, however. toon workers aren’t allowed gags as they work so much with their chosen profession there isn’t need to carry them. but cogfighters can have part-time jobs if they want. worker toons also significantly are lower in laff, as they cannot go fight cogs and aren’t assigned toontasks. they can partake in leisure activities such as fishing or gardening when not working and earn laff in this way. for their full-time joining of the toontown workforce, they also will receive 5 laff from flippy himself. thus making the lowest possible laff for gagless toons 20, and the highest 37.

tend to be the most tranquil of toons, not wanting to partake in any fighting or action.  dont necessarily seek attention.  very responsible and respectable.  appreciate all that cogfighters protect them from and do what they do in honor of them.  its hard to group these toons altogether bc theres so many different possible professions for them!

Becoming A Cogfighter

besides the workforce being gagless, young toons also are gagless in the sense they aren’t old enough to safely become a cogfighter. toons receive their gag pouches and first tasks at 15 yrs old which is represented by their starter laff meter. however, young toons can get their pouches and start training gags as young as 12 only with parental guardian consent and kids consent as well. no parents forcing kids to start training when they dont feel ready. overall choosing to wait is done more than choosing not to wait.

generally until they can start training, young toons are educated on cogs and their threat and how they’ll eventually become a cogfighter. and can do activities, ride the trolley, make art, swim, play and overall enjoy being a kid w/o responsibilities!! some toons are overly eager to start training so they may convince their parents to let them early. which is all fine and dandy until that eagerness and immaturity leads to.......Bad Things

[paradoxidolatry]

Brotherly Love

@birdhole , @beatconductor a lil bit

TG: hey TG: sup

TT: Hey. TT: Not much.  Lunch break at work. TT: Sup?

TG: oh thats sweet TG: sucks theres no free pizza in it when you work as a cop huh TG: i guess its overall kind of a step up from the pizza gig tho

TT: Right? Free donuts though. TT: But nah, yeah, not so bad. TT: Didn't get a chance to tell you about it but I figure Dave or whoever's already spilled those beans. TT: Kinda weird, right?

TG: yeah dave told me TG: donuts just like a real cop huh TG: still cant quite wrap my head around this cop thing tbh TG: i can see you working as a LOT of things but a cop? thats wild

TT: Yeah. TT: I mean, I figured.  Got all that military experience, right? TT: But I didn't want to go back to the military. TT: Plus, working as a cop is an equal mix of 'keeps me active' and 'allows me to work around certain roadblocks in regards to the acquisitions business', so it was a good compromise. TT: Better than fast food and skin flicks again, at any rate.

TG: i mean i guess that makes logical sense n all TG: still fucking wild as shit to me TG: guess you can still wear a uniform even its obviously not as sweet as the fast food ones

TT: Yeah, I really miss that old greasy apron. TT: But what can you do?

TG: the grease just made your eyes pop in that special way ykno TG: chicks love it

TT: They fuckin do, don't they? TT: But somethin tells me you didn't message me to talk about the chicks missing my pizza funk.

TG: you sure about that? its a pretty great topic you could write a book on it become rich quick with your pick up tips

TT: Hey, I'm already on chapter 7: the Sausage Party. TT: But really though. TT: What's up, boss?

TG: nothing TG: i was just TG: thinking about you is all

> Heart, squeeze. TT: That right? TT: Cool, cool. TT: Was thinking about you earlier too, actually.

TG: oh? any reason or

[Dave txt @ bro] im watching u [Dave txt @ bro] > that chicken image

TT: Just, y'know. TT: Was outside on a smoke break and I saw a couple of pigeons hanging out, eating some sandwich or some shit on the sidewalk and like. TT: Got me thinking about you, and like. TT: I spent the past 13 years thing you're dead or some shit, and now you're alive and it's. TT: Just fuckin buck wild. TT: Pardon me for sound fucking sappy but it's kind of like a dream come true.

[TT > Dave: I'm behaving, dad.]

TG: ...am i a pigeon now? tho i do admit i would eat that floor sandwich(edited) TG: yeah its...its fucking wild huh? TG: kinda thought id never see you again even after TG:  i got away and shit TG: idk why not like you up and died but? after looking for you and you werent there i dunno i guess TG: i thought you just TG: werent going to come back TG: ...you didnt even see my wings yet you dont get to relate me to birds just yet dude

TT: I mean, I saw them in a picture. TT: One of you and Dave and a bunch of trolls and some old dude in front of a candy cane dildo? TT: But also you post about birds and shit all the time, so I figured that was sort of your Thing now. TT: And ... well.  I dunno. TT: Almost didn't. TT: I was just gonna stay on Earth, maybe pop in to visit every so often. TT: But then all that shit happened and Dave wasn't answering my messages, so I thought he was dead too, and...well. TT: I guess I'm, uh... grateful to the apocalypse for.  I guess bringing you back to me? TT: Well, no. TT: But like, at least letting me know you're alive.

TG: oh...yeah thats TG: thats my sisters actually and uh..shit what even is grig? grandpa i guess TG: already know mr d after all TG: i mean... im not sure how i feel yet TG: i guess im sorta glad because TG: i mean it has been my embarrassing dream to play family with you again for a while TG: i want to be a family again TG: a lot TG: its just TG: hard

TT: Sisters, huh?  Well damn, you got the whole family package with these folks, huh? TT: Nice.  How long you been with them? TT: Yeah, I figured. TT: I didn't, and don't, make it easy. I know. TT: A lot easier when you were a baby, even if our folks were shit, just cuz, y'know. TT: Everything hadn'tt happened yet. TT: Hadn't started to completely fuckin lose my mind and treat you like dogshit. TT: But I mean.  I dunno. TT: I'm not gonna force you or nothin. TT: But if you ever wanted to come backto the apartment and chill for a day, see how you feel about it? TT: That'd be uh. TT: That'd be really nice.

TG: 3 years TG: as long as ive been TG: away from scratch... TG: i..yeah i guess maybe TG: can you even handle seeing me get gay with dave tho

TT: God.  You were with Scratch that whole fuckin time? TT: Fuckin sonnuvabitch refused to tell me what he did with you. TT: Anyway. TT: Handling y'all and your homogay is a small price to pay at the end of the day. TT: Even if it's still. TT: Kinda really weird from my perspective. TT: But I respect y'all and he takes good care of you, so I can't complain too much, right?

TG: ...yeah like ten years TG: kinda fucked up huh TG: ill..ill think about it TG: okay so im gonna be real with you here for a sec okay TG: i TG: messaged you because i was talking to dave and i realized i missed you and TG: that i TG: kindawantahugiguess

TT: ...Yeah? TT: I can do a hug, yeah. TT: Where are you?  I can meet you, if you wanna.

TG: ...workin TG: at [coords] TG: dont arrest me mr officer these drugs are prescription

TT: I'll leave the cuffs in the car. TT: What happens off-duty stays off-duty, though, so. TT: See you in five.

TG: kay > Try not to freak out. Freak out anyways.

> Pull up by the curb a short walk away and park. > Look, you even pay for the parking meter and everything. > Step out of the car in your full uniform and approach Sock, one hand in  your pocket, the other raised in a wave hello.

> Oh god, he really fucking is a god damn cop. That's so damn weird. God. > Not as weird as randomly meeting up with him for a hug though. Damn it that was the dumbest idea. > You wave back, trying hard to look cool and not like you are dying on the inside and failing miserably.

> You stride up alongside him and... ...well, now what, actually. > Neither of you are very good at this kind of planning, are you. > Damnit, Striders. "Hey." > Now just to... > ... > Open your arms up? > Yeah.  That's how hugs happen.

> Oh god, he's going right for it.Oh god. Not even small talk or anything really bro? > Maybe that's better anyways because god know you don't know what to say. "Hey." > You take a deep breath and you...Go for the fucking hug. Squeeze that big bro tight.

> Aww shit here it comes and here he is.  All up and hugging you. > Actually, that's uh. > That's real nice. > You wrap your arms around him and pull him in for a good, tight hug. > It's probably not the most comfortable thing, what with your radio strapped onto your chest and name plates aand shit, but. > At least for you?  This is a fucking good hug. > (Don't you dare tear up in public.)

> You don't really care about the cofort level of this, it's something you've been craving for 13 years now, a little radio isn't going to stop you from enjoying it. > It's nice. It's familiar, like all the good parts of Bro you've been missing wrapped up for you in one big huggable form. Easy to forget all the shit for a moment. > But the moment does end and when you pull away you have to wipe at you eyes like an idiot. "Uh...Th-thanks."

> Aww, shit goddamn.  He's teaaring up too under those glasses. > You swipe one knuckle under your shades, and you take a steaadying breath. "Hey, yeah, no problem." > Breathe easy, Strider.  You glance up for a moment as you see a fatass snowflake come drifting down, then you look to Sock again. "Hey, you wanna maybe grab some lunch with me?  Haven't eaten yet and it's still my break, so."

> Well at least you are both sappy motherfuckers now. > Oh. You didn't expect that. You think about what Dave told you earlier "Stay in control" and promptly decide to fuck that advice because shit. You are already here. You already went for it like an idiot. "Yeah sure. Gonna have Donuts like a proper cop?" > You make such a face at the snow. Ugh, you didn't really prepare for that kinda weather, fuck.

> You snort a laugh and give your flat stomach a pat. "Gotta work on that signature cop gut, don't I? C'mon." > You gesture behind you with a jerk of your thumb. "Hop in up front.  You can pick the place."

"Hell yeah you do. You look like a fake ass striper cop dude." > You get into the car and immediately get the seatbelt. Doesn't feel safe otherwise. You don't really like cars still but you can't pin point why. It's just a weird personality quirk yeah? But you are used to being in one at this point of your life. > Just drive carefully. Please.

> You hop in and buckle up too, both pleased and a litttle saddened that you didn't even need to remind Sock to put on his seatbelt. > Poor kid. > Luckily, you are an impeccably safe driver, and the drive to Wherever is smooth and uneventful.

> Old habits die hard. > You feel kind of awkward in the car with him, it's too silent for our tastes. > You get out of the car at whatever this amazing food place he's taking you is. Fingers crossed for fast food- "Y'know kinda funny. Always figured my first frive in a cop car would be because I'm getting arrested."

> You snort a laugh.  It's Sock's old favorite pizza place. > God you hope he still likes this shit. > Also this wasn't a Pizza Pimp before, was it?  It was Gino's-- > Wait. > Ugh, well, maybe Dave's not at work. "If you're planning on getting arrested, you're doing this pushing thing wrong, kid."(edited)

> Oh the Pizza Pimp. Fucking score. Maybe Dave is there, that would be rad. "I didn't say I was, I said I didn't think I'd ride a cop car otherwise. Your hearing getting bad?" > You immediately freeze after saying that. Oh man, actually sassing Bro though? Please don't hit me.

> Dave is unfortunately not there, but he sure would love to.

> You catch that freeze, and you... > You snort a little, before pointing to your ears. "Too many concerts and phat-ass beats.  Knew I shouldn't have gotten all up and personal with those speakers.  Who knew the grown-ups were right about that?" > You smile, and it's a little awkward cuz you sure as hell have never been the smiling type, before you hold open the door for him. "C'mon, before we freeze our asses off."

> Oh. Okay. It's cool. It's chill. In a quite literal sense even so you get your silly ass inside. > A smile though? You haven't seen your brother smile in...far longer than you haven't seen him for sure. > That little scare knocked the speech right out of you though so you just awkwardly sit down at the next best table, suddenly really not sure how good of an idea this was.

> You take a seat opposite him, and when the server approaches, you order yourself a water instead of a soda. > Who are you, even. > You glance over the menu, humming softly.  Some of these item names... fitting for a place called Pizza Pimp. "You wanna split one, or do individuals, or?"

> Who is he indeed. You order a black coffee instead of apple juice though, so maybe the traditional Strider beverages are just staying outside today. "Uhhh..Not super hungry honestly I don't mind sharing one." > You haven't been able to eat a whole pizza at once in a while but you don't say that.

"Alright.  We'll split a medium and you can take the rest home if you want." > You let him pick the toppings too.  This really is a strange Strider day.

> The strangest. Do they have nuggets as topping because you want that.

> They might have like, baked chicken, which is kinda like nuggets and also? Is Carro-approved.

> Do you think the pizza pimp doesn't have a nugget topping what kinda fool do you take Dave for.

> A big one. >:3

> LISTEN Nuggets have been added like at least two months ago. Cock Special.

> Goddamnit, Dave.

> Sock loves Dave and the Cock Special Pizza. Prepare ya taste buds Bro.(edited)

"One Cock Special with extra cock please" > Yes, this is exactly how you order.

> Oh your face. > You're so fucking proud.  Dave sure is your little brother, and so too is Sock. > Bless these fucking kids.

"Hope you like it, it's my fav." > Both the pizza and you know.

> Yeah.  Yeah, you know. "Sure I will." > Snort a laugh. "This sure isn't Gino's anymore, huh.  You remember that place?"

"Oh yeah. Man..That's been a while. Clover gifted the place to Dave what? 2 years ago?" > Back when you were on a no homo basis. Memories.

> [Clover: nya face]

"Used to be your favorite, but maybe that's because it was free when I worked here. ...Clover?"

"I'm always a slut for free food but I still digged their shit later. Oh uh..Yeah. Little green guy? 4 of the Felt?" > Should..You now have mentioned that?

> [Dave] Oh no.

> There's this shift in your face.  It's not a frown, but a certain tightening of your lips as you're hit with the full brunt of what Sock just said. "...Dave's...doing business with the Felt?"

> WHOOPSIES >Oh. Oh, oh, oh shit. You fucked up. You didn't really think about that when you said it. At all. Shit. Fuck. Damn. "Hahaha whaaaat? Noooo. Of course not! He'd never uh...Clover is just y'know his uh... Sugar daddy yeah. Cash money man, can't say no to that even from a greenie right?" > Well it's not entirely a lie. You are sweating though.

> You paw at your face and you sit back in your seat, eyebrows knit together tightly. > Looks like you're going to have to have a little talk with Dave when you get home. "...No, guess not.  Desperate times and all that, right?"

"Yeah exactly! Haha..." > God this is uncomfortable. You are going to warn Dave but you already feel like shit. Fuck. "Don't...Don't hurt him okay?" > There's fear in your eyes now. Not for you but for your boyfriend, which is so much worse in your eyes.

> That snaps you Right out of your bad thought spiral and you quickly wave your hand. "Hey, no, no.  Not gonna hurt him.  It's chill." > There's that smile again, even if it's uneasy and a bit green around the gills.  Your brother and the Felt... "Really.  Just surprised he hadn't mentioned it before now."

> [Dave] GUESS WHY.

" 'kay..." > He probably hadn't mentioned it for a reason. You couldn't have known Dave wasn't supposed to do business with the Felt but you still feel like shit. It makes sense in hindsight and considering your history of course but...You just plain didn't know. > The Pizza arrives but you suddenly don't feel very hungry at all, sipping on you coffee awkwardly instead.

> You're, similarly, not hungry, but you've got to salvage this.  Not telling when or if Sock will agree to see you again after this. "Sorry, I just... Y'know, getting offered a gift by those guys.  If they had snatched Dave too..." > You shake your head, and sigh it off.  Out with the bad. "But they didn't, and that's that.  So." > You take up a slice of the pizza and you point is casually at Sock, an eyebrow quirked. "What're you out there peddling?"

> Oh. You'd really rather not follow that line of thought, yeah.  Smooth topic change. "Dude, don't think I should be discussing that with a cop in a pizzeria. Mr D would murder me man."

"Hey." > You make a show of taking off your badge and laying it upside down on the table. "Off-duty, not a cop.  So is it the good shit, or is it like, oregano in a dimebag being passed off as weed."

"We're still in public man." > And you don't want to piss off your Dad on top of the shit you just pulled.

"Yeah, yeah.  Weren't you in public anyway?" > You chuckle a little and you point toward the kitchen area. "Your big bro used to sell shitty dimebags out of there, way back.  Dealt to all the line cooks."

" Course you did." > You roll your eyes behind your shades. "What you want an inventory list? Okay I'll just tell you my favorite product aight? Kinder Überraschungseier......The surprise is Cocaine." > Huh, sure did slip into your mother tongue there. Welp..

> Okay.  You actually laugh then. "You're selling Kinder Überraschungseier full of Cocaine.  Shut the fuck up, seriously?" > You're nodding approvingly now. "That's a fucking great idea.  Where the fuck'd you get the chocolates, though? Make them yourself?"

> That makes you feel..really proud? Huh. You can't stop the big dorky grin from spreading on your face. "Best idea I ever had, honestly. I'm importing them from earth, duh. Along with a bunch of other banned sweets and shit. Who the fuck thought peeps are illegal anyways?"

> You balk at that and you laugh again. "Peeps are illegal here-- wait, shit, right." > Smack your forehead. "That's my job to know that now.  Wow, fuckin fire me now."

"Maybe I should show you my stock, just as a reminder. A fucking lot of dumb shit is. Fucking Lattes were banned man. Until the King unbanned them just for Jude which is honestly so fucking stupid. Way to play favorite, just like royalty should am I right? Not that I'm complaining, love me a big fat Latte." > Man it's...Nice to be able to make that kind of shit tier level german dick joke and to know you're gonna be understood just fine.

> You snort your water and you pull a face,but you're clearly goofing around a loving it. "Fucking nasty, dude.  I don't need to hear about your love of big hot fuckin Lattes."

"Aren't you glad the prospitian monarchy digs a steaming hot Latte too? What a life that would be otherwise." > You snort yourself.

"Jesus christ.  Fuckin whities, dude." > You stuff some pizza in your mouth and you talk withyour mouth full like the fat nasty trash you are. "Can you believe I have to work with them?  Like what the fuck."

"The Queen gives me the creeps with her I love everyone bull. And the King seems like a huge fucking idiot so...Congrats man. Jackpot."

"Not had the chance to meet either, but this is the closest I've gotten to infiltrating the corrupt government yet.  Maybe if I keep my shit up, I can finally overthrow them from the inside." > You are entirely dead seriouus.

"What's the masterplan? Shoot them in public?" > You aren't but you also don't mind the topic. Not a fan of these guys.

"Nah, nah, nothing like that.  Too messy.  Besides." > You gesture at the scar that runs oveer your eyes. "Never been a fan of guns."

"I know." > Hell maybe you should be grateful he ain't. Swords fucked you over bad enough. "Seems like a popular approach is all. Like historically or whatever. But I guess you gotta go for something less stale huh?"

"Of course.  Flashy's the only way to be when you're taking out a corrupt system of government."

"Looking forwards to the show Bro." > Except you hope he's fucking joking.

> You totally fucking aren't. > You toss him a wink, which of course he can't see all that well behind your shades. "Hope it's a good one.  You gonna eat any pizza, lil bro?"

"Oh, right." > You finally grab a piece too. "How's the Cock Special?"

> Stuff the rest of your piece into your mouth and brush the crumbs off of your fingers. "It's not big hot Latte, but it's nice and tasty all up in my mouth, so it'll do."

"I mean we can grab a Latte next time-" > Did you just say next time. Did you just imply you want to meet up like this again? Shit. > Stuff your mouth with Pizza real quick.

> Oh. > Oh... That makes yourr heart do the smiley emote. > You grin a liittle bit about that and you say, voice kinda soft, "Yeah... alright.  I'd like that."

"Me too...I think." > If you don't hurt my boyfriend tonight that is, is what you think.

> Don't you worry, Sock.  Not gonna hurt your boyfriend tonight. > You're not gonna be home, so Dave gets to go unhurt for another night.

> Or any other night Bro.(edited) > Or day, or ever:

> Well, at least you'll try to keep your cool when you talk to Dave about it later.

> That's a good start.

> Fuck yeah.  Before you all finish up here, you nod back to the streets now lightly coat with snow. "You going back to your corner, right?  You need a jacket?"

"I mean, I'll live..." > But it's pretty obvious that you don't have any especially warm clothes on you, you know like an idiot.

"Yeah, and you'll get sick, doofus." > You shrug off your jacket--it's a plain black windbreaker, while you wait for your city issue polcie jacket to come in--and you ball it up, handing it over to him. "Here."

> You open your mouth to respond but the Jacket is already in your hands. Oh. That's..Oh. > Is that what it's like to have a caring older brother? "Thanks..." > The Jacket is far too big for you and smells like Bro. It's a weird feeling to put it on. Like a hug you can wear. > Your heart is doing several emotions.

"Hey, no sweat. No good to go out there to work if you're just gonna freeze to death, yeah?" > You have the server bring you all a box for the leftovers, and you give those to him, too. > You stand from the stand and stretch. "Alright, my lunch is about over.  You ready to go?

"Uh, yeah." > You are still trying to sort your feelings over all of this. It's weird. It's nice. > It's what you wanted all along. > Except for the part where you are scared about Dave. > You get up too feeling like a huge fool.

> You, very very carefully, put your hand on his back and lead him out back into the cold. > Look to him, then to your car. "Back to tthe same corner? Or you got anywhere else you need to be?"

> You tense up just a little at the touch but let it happen anyways. "Y-yeah same place." > You just get into the car quickly to cut off the awkward moment. Not without putting on your seatbelt of course.

> Always seatbelt first, kid! > You buckle in and drive him back to the street corner you found him on, putting the car into park but not getting out. "Alright.  Don't get into any trouble, alright?  Oh, and patrol comes past here in about 30 minutes, so be cool when they pass, yeah?"

"Oh uh..Okay. See you, I guess." > You wave an awkward goodbye, overwhelmed by a lot of conflicting emotions.

> You're about to drive off, but then you open the door and, hanging halfway out, you call to him, "Hey! Love you, Sock."

> That just leaves you starring for a moment. Did he just-? Does he? What. Can not compute. "L-Love you too Bro..." > You are not sure if he heard that with the way you mumbled that. You are not sure if you want him to or not. > It's only getting weirder. > But it also warms your birdy little heart.

> You heard it--you've actually got pretty good hearing still, despite all tthatt music and shit. > You smile and wave again before ducking back into your car and driving off.

> The patrol driving by half an hour later doesn't find a drug dealer, just a crying kid in some back alley. > This absolutely kills the bird.

[familyvisionis2020]

Day 4 - Athens (2 of 2)

I was able to sleep blissfully, majestically, and woke up around 10 feeling drowsy but refreshed. I sit up in bed and the first thing I see is Kabir’s smiling face, he says ‘Rise and Grind’ like he always does and Royal says ‘let’s get this bread’ and the day has started. In the daylight the giant purple house we’re staying in is even more whimsical and palatial seeming. There are rocking horses on top of the shelves in the house, hanging decorative bulbs and a campy chandalier and ornate decorations in a transom in the hallway and wrought iron fixtures with silver perforated globes mounted like torches outside the front door and a complicated antique triple-bell thing  for a door bell and more chrome globes hanging from the porch ceiling that look like metal lace and whose purpose is unclear to me, stained glass and a 6 foot, ten=-tubed windchime, several hanging swings on the porch, iron patio furniture and a rusty gate and a giant log of pine driftwood suspended from cables and an enormous rusted bell that still dongs and a trellis of ivy and a big boat propeller and something that looks like a 12 foot long abbacus and a half a purple wagon wheel and a huge white vase that looks like white China with blue coi and aquarium scene decorations, a big stone dragon head with highly detailed scales and a cove in the back of its head that allows you to put a middle size candle inside of the head such that when you light it its eyes will appear to flicker from the front, several of those shiny reflective globe spheres, one patterned in swirls like a bowling ball, and tons of plants and small trees andshards of sculpture concrete and folk kitschworks and little benches and birds everywhere and a bicycle wheel weathervane and pinwheel and just generally kooky stuff and its so so homey and lush and expansive and calm here. There are two cats whose name I dont know who live here and a dog whose name is Cocoa but who Royal calls Stanly for no apparant reason which is his humor which I love. 

I take a bird bath and we head across the street to the coffee shop, Donderos’ which is architectuarlly quite similar to the house we are staying in actually, its a big old victorian house, pale-rufous salmon-coral siding with dull cream accents, a high gable and new black roofing, and rather than eing surrounded by an enormous wraparoudn porch like our place, it’s surrounded by an asphalt parking lot that itself is surrounded by a stone block retaining wall and hearty wild rosemary. We set up camp inside the cafe for the first part of the day, we all order food, people get grits and a thing called a gritboat and fried potatoes that are like homefries except perfect little rectangular prisms rather than cubes and different sorts of eggs, lots of coffee, I drink yerba mate again instead. I plug in my phone and laptop, check my law school statuses using an automated aggregator and find out that my application to University of Florida Law has gone under its second review which is neither a good nor a bad sign necessarily, just means it’s being actively reviewed, I add this data point to a website to collect law school admissions data points and then eat breakfast. I put so much butter and raspberry jam in my grits that I almost feel like I overdid it. 

Kabir and Jeremy are thinking through the status of the tour out loud; in light of the extreme emergency situation that Covid is turning out to be, in light of the pressure Kabir feels from the women in his family to not tour, in light of the handful of venues and bands that have cancelled or dropped from bills on our tour, and in light of the cost-benefit analysis of traveling another 1600 miles through the midwest and back again, in light of the possibility of being cancelled if we continue to heedlessly transmit ourselves like vectors (I have been jokingly calling the band ‘Family Vector’ rather than Family Vision) perhaps healthy or at least symptomless but mobile pathogens, in light of all this there’s just a preponderance of reasons not to keep the full tour on, and between Jeremy and Kabir with some input from John, the decision to severely truncate/abridge the tour solidifies like jello in a sad fridge. I’m actually careful not to give much input in the decision making process here, I have mixed feelings about the ethics of continuing to tour but am honestly not bothered as much from a principled public health standpoint as I am from like selfishly wanting to just have free time in my apartment in Chapel Hill to lay around and maybe read and write and walk around and do yoga and be alone and enjoy quality quarantine quarantime at home and maybe even spend time in person with someone I like who I mostly only ever email whose hand I want to hold who I want to watch scary movies with and talk about feelings with, talk about feelings in a way that for all the lovely blissful amazing things my friends in the band are to me, we don’t hardly talk about feeings much at all. Or actually more likely just don’t talk about feelings in this one particular intense vulnerable type of way that I honesty avoid lost of the time but also like crave to do around someone I feel tender and safe when they’re nearby. Anyways. So I am intentionally passive in the decision making and I think all the reasons they factor in are germane and their reasoning sound and accede to the decision to cut the tour short, the plan now is to play again tonight in Athens at the same place, Buvez, then head out to Huntsville Alabama tomorrow, take a break in Nashville for a day, then play our final show in Louisville Kentucky before driving the van back to Chapel Hill. I offer to give Jeremy a ride back to Ridgewood Queens from NY in an effort to be kind and of service and of use and to share a resource in a situation where, mercifully but somewhat troublingly I have very little asked of me and very little to offer: Kabir and Jeremy have done the lion’s share of the planning, have volunteered to do the driving (and are very good at doing the driving), and so the sort of soft imperative in my life to find a way to be helpful, to be of service, as a mechanism of maintaining sanity and spiritual fitness feels a bit atrophied. So it makes me happy when Jeremy says he will take me up on that offer, and I am glad I am the type of person nowadays to offer a thing like that. 

After the logistics are tamped down and tidied we breakdown our various electronics and head to the park which is maybe 300 feet down the street, which is outfitted with polished granite chessboards, baggies of pieces stowed in ziplocks in a small compartment nearby, and also outfitted with a massive polished granite slab made to be a ping pong table, with a metal divider rather than a net. Kabir wants to play me in chess and I almost say no, worrying that the ugly part of my competitive spirit may take over, but I decide to say yes and we play, and the game goes quick, standard queen’s pawn opening but then an early blunder by Kabir puts me on the offensive and rather than try to maneuver back into control of the center and winning chances, which I’m absolutely sure he could’ve done, he just concedes after about 5 minutes and that’s that. I have language for chess even though I haven’t played more than 10 games in the last 10 years because for awhile in 2016-2018 I would put on lectures by chess grandmasters on youtube to calm me down and to fall asleep. I think I picked up some general strategic understanding too. Kabir tells me one time he scholar’s mated his dad and his dad got so furious he almost flipped the table. Kabir will remark later that his dad, a published author and consummate professional writer who logs a minimum of 1,000 words a day, that he is learning the only thing that can shake his dad is a global pandemic, that he’s never seen his dad this worried. Me and John play chess next, it’s a very close game and John stays ahead in material the entire game although I put him on the backfoot early and kept momentum with a string of nuisance checks that I think demoralizes him a little and although he won’t resign and fights tooth and nail until checkmate he keeps saying he should have resigned. I don’t actually know how to checkmate him properly so I use a passed pawn and only with two queens can manage to finish the game. We play a second time, for a long time, and it’s very close again, and I manage to eke out a win, and John is done. And Kabir comes over with his book of The Best of Wednesday New York Times Crosswords edited by Will Shortz and explains that these are medium-difficult and that Saturday, not Sunday is the most difficult, Sunday is Thursday difficulty, just longer. He lays the puzzle down on the chessboard, I notice the crossword puzzle and chessboard are the same shapes and pattern more or less, and I make a joke in a loud Brooklyn-style accent that all I need is black and white squares on a grid and I’m happy. I get a laugh and that makes me feel good and I feel like a smart winner also and I feel smarter looking for clues together with John and Kabir and the weather is breezy and warm and I’m extremely happy just playing and relaxing, glad Kabir wants to play things with me, delighted to see not every game turns me into a monster.

We meet up with Noah, the person whose house we are staying at, and we all pile in the big maroon van and head to the State Botanical Gardens of Georgia. Noah without prompting assumes the role of tour guide, takes the reins and play acts that we are tourists following him, chides us for straggling, tells us to stay with the group, curates our experience. I love this, Kabir can be like this too, a man making decisions in a way that does not feel constricting or cruel or vindictive or violent, just a gentle assertion to let some expert knowledge shine through, which Noah has a lot of; I will learn later today that he is in the process of composing a thesis or dissertation about 19th century literature which focuses on the description of plants as a lens through which to assess and survey that literature, so his knowledge of plants is vaster than I knew. He takes us through the indoor greenhouse garden at first which is dense with lush tropical plants and hundreds of orchids. He explains how orchids used to be rare and expensive commodities, I mention how orchi- is the prefix for testicles and that orchids are named their name because the unflowered bulbs resemble testes. Kabir points at Noah and says ‘FACTS.’ We see a cacao plant, a coffee plant, a vanilla plant, dozens of fragrant flowers which each of the boys stops and politely smells, one by one, so adorable, a very tender stroll. We get a band picture together which Kabir explains will be captioned with a notification that our tour will be canceled. Noah continues to usher us through the verdant corridors, we see a banana plant with leaves taller than me up on a balcony, I think it’s the biggest leaves on a plant I’ve ever seen. There’s muscodine grapes on the ground, i split one open for the boys to smell, they put their faces close to my hand and trust me not to fuck with them, which I don’t. We are in super high spirits, everyone is enjoying themselves. Noah collects us and guides us outside where we enter the massive sylvan grounds of the Botanical Garden proper. Everyone is doing bits about the different plants. I see Spathiphyllums and mention to Noah Swingin’ Spathiphyllums from Mort Garson’s Plantasia, and in response he just hums the tune of the song, which I love. Royal goes and lays on a gigantic rock. We read the placards, tease out etymologies, reference colonial plant histories, see the real life versions of plants like Gingko Biloba and Agave and probably 40 varieties of thyme in the Physic plant section and honey garlic and rosemary and tarragon and lavender and ginger and turmeric and acer palmatum and quercus alba and nephroleptis exaltata, all scientific names I remember from high school horticulture, and so so many other kinds of plants it’s hard to remember them all. 

I looked up a list and I’m putting of the ones I remember of them here because to me their name is so beautfiul Anise Hyssop, Arkansas Blue Star, Summer Snapdragon, Buttefly Weed, Rain Lily, Wild Indigo, Crossvine, Million Bells, Athens Sweetshrub, Begonias, American Hornbeam, Japanese Plum Yew, Forest Pansy, Lavender Redbud, Fringetree, Old Man’s Beard, Summersweet Clethra, Coleus, Dogwood, Bath’s Pink Dianthus, Spurge, Mt. Airy Fothergilla, Hardy Geranium, Lenten Rose, Coral Bells, Swamp Hibiscus, Hydrangeas, Inkberry, Ornamental Sweet Potato, Crape Myrtles, Pink Loropetalum, Little Gem Magnolia, Dawn Redwood, Blackgum, Firespike, Fragrant Tea Olive, Phlox, Plectranthus Variegated Japanese Solomons’ Seal, Overcup Oak. Admiral Semmes Azalea, Sacred Lily, Drift Roses, Creeping Raspberry, Three Lobed Coneflower, Double Daffodils, Lady in Red Salvia, Blue Anise Sage, Bald Cypress, Confederate Jasmine, Georgia Blue Veronica, Snowball Viburnum, Chastetree, Amethyst Falls Wisteria.

We find a massive terraced zone with close-cropped fescue like a carpet and a long stone staircase, rectangular hedges capping bluffs of each 8 foot drop, a single concrete obelisk, some statuary, polished stainless steel gate structures, millions of flowers and plants arranged in tidy geometric grids. More than one person, and not just from the boys in the band, mentions that this place reminds them of the film Midsommar, and I agree, the light is bright but not saturated yet the way it gets in summer, so it has a similar sickly kalediscopic sheen to the movie’s colorscape. Noah traipses down the many staircases to a stone stage at the central of the terraced court and starts doing a bizarre interpretative dance that is a little balletic and a little frenetic, eventually he kind of stage dives into a shrub and falls before loping back to us, which we and other tourists respond to with polite applause. He then bounces up and down with me such that our heads are just popping up into the line of sigh tof the boys at the higher level, and we do that for a few minutes and it’s silly and fun. I suggest to Noah that we do yoga on the lawn and he immediately takes his socks off and starts corraling the wililng among the bands to do yoga, it ends up being me Kabir and John, Noah has the right lilt and cadence in his voice to make for a very plausible yoga teacher and he knows a few flows and postures and leads us in a pretty decent 25-ish minute session. Mostly I’m quiet and avoid making jokes and do my best to enjoy the physical benefits of the yoga, but at one point I say “my kundalini energy is through the roof right now’ in a thick mock southern accent which I think is hilarious and Kabir too. Kabir does a bit later where he says ‘come to find out, you simulated your love for me!’ in his thick syrupy southern joke drawl which is a quote from a 1982 song by french coldwave duo Deux which is exceedingly funny to me when I hear it. The sun is hot and someone, I think Paul from Tired Frontier, says ‘first sweat of 2020.’ It does feel like spring switched on the minute I left town, which is such a warm and lovely feeling.

We finish up yoga, gather the boys and Noah suggests we go to the grocery store to get a giant can of beans, some tomatoes, a red onion, a ripe avocado, two jalapenos, and a bunch of cilantro, and two bags of tortilla chips, and make a raw, unpureed bean dip and feast together, which is exactly what we do. I dust bits of dried grass off Kabir’s back that he picked up doing yoga. I do something very close to brunois on both the red onions and jalapenos, not quite the 1/8th inch industry standard but not far off, Noah praises my knife skills. We all devour the huge bowl of dip super quick and between me Jeremy Kabir John and Noah eat all those chips and all the dip in about 10 minutes, and we work further on the crossword puzzle. Jeremy eats a $1 tin of sardines and then goes to take a nap. We just sit out on the porch in the sun and vibe for a couple hours, idle conversation, i nearly fall asleep, but then rally and manage to type a ton on my computer and feel happy to be consistent blogging. 

We make it to the venue, Buvez again, and the rest of the night is basically identical to the night before, except this time Polly’s Gone is their usual selves, Surface to Air Missive, they sound almost exactly like The Shins, they play a short set. Jeremy talks to the lead guy, Taylor, and tells me Taylor said ‘yeah we’re just trying to be The Shins,’ Kabir says ‘that guitarist is incredible’ which is saying a lot because I think he’s incredible and has tons of techinical and theoretical and practical expertise. We play second instead of third this time, play a smaller set too, don’t do any joke songs, play to basically an empty room save the guys in the other bands, it’s fine, super breezy, zero pressure, fun, inconsequential. Tired Frontier plays, does some funny Covid-related banter, their set is basically identical to the set the night before. We all hang out on the picnic tables outside the cafe, all ten guys in all three bands, they share stories about getting caught smoking weed as a teenager and epic house parties and getting grounded and dumb stuff like that, and this time I’m happy to sit and put my feet up right in the middle of the conversation, shoulder to shoulder with Royal who is drinking a beer from a rocks glass and Kabir who’s smoking a Turkish Silver, looking at Taylor who yesterday I kind of thought was maybe too cool for us but who now has a kind of reluctant smile in this cute way that reminds me of how my dad smiles, a man used to being austere and stoic and foreboding belied by a cheerful time. The venue people bring out $60 in cash and Taylor tells us and Tired Frontier to split it between ourselves, a very classy move from the leadman of the hometown band, Kabir says if you ever need a show in the Triangle hit me up I got you. Taylor goes home, the Buvez people are bringing in the outdoor furniture again, we breakdown and load out together, everybody helps with everything (like not just drummer gets drums bassist gets bass and bass amp, rather everybody just gets everything) and that feels kind, I love how easy being decent comes to the boys in this band, I feel like every shred of decency and kindness I can muster feels sourced politically or has had been inserted in me only after being pryed open by the crowbar of desperation or like postulated but not fully embodied during therapy or the result of very direct counter-intuitve habit building and coaching and mentoring and although that’s hard for me, materially right now I am matching them, I’m decent too, I am a decent person among decent people, I can live without constantly lying and shoplifting and fantasizing about the next petty crime or act of vandalism I will execute to vindicate an image of elegant, thoughtfully erratic antipathy for authority I was always trying to curate and cultivate in the eyes of my peers. Anyways, everything’s fine, Royal suggests we go to a bar and Kabir uses his casual power as frontman to say no which is something I know he’s doing for him and for me and I deeply appreciate that. 

We go downtown in Athens and look for a chinese spot that ends up being closed and then wander into a diner where there’s kids in prom outfits settling up their bills with the hostess as we get seated. John marvels at this weird coca cola ad thing that has a big bottle tilted down with a rotating helictical metal piece the color of coke that makes a pretty plausible optical illusion of liquid pouring into a cup below. Kabir tells stories about his old bands, Sister David, Docking, Reynolds, a bit they used to due during live shows where they’d mix in ‘I’ve Got a Feeling’ by Black Eyed Peas to their spartan angular No-Wave set which we all agree is brilliant, wish we could’ve seen that. I scarf the huge plate of fries i order and basically drink the extra cup of ranch i ordered, it’s fantastic, I love how hungry i feel after playing shows, I share my fries with Jeremy. The Tired Frontier guys show up last minute and we rendezvous briefly before heading home. Not much else happens other than me spending like 15 minutes with the dog Cocoa gaining its trust and comforting it for the purpose of getting her to stop barking, which works and is very calming. I eat an apple and peanut butter out the jar by myself in the kitchen and I do not feel the need to be reading or looking at my phone while i do it, which is rare and very special. I take my medicine, plug in my headphones, and go to sleep.

[roxxdafoxx]

Why I stopped celebrating the holidays...

for me holidays were always a disappointment the decision to not celebrate the holidays can save you money and  your sanity its definitely a “rich mans holiday” my grandmother always made it a point to make sure i felt valued she always got me a gift and a birthday cake My great grandmother an I shared the same birth date and having a birthday with my great grandmother was the best now with the exception of a few cousins and my children now that my entire family is dead and after spending every holiday in the hospital ive had a lot of time spent in isolation to learn and get to know myself and God on a more intimate and deeper level not being with family always being depressed during the holidays made me realize why am i allowing these holidays cause me anxiety get me all upset about being able to afford gifts for everyone especially when u have a big heart and the desire to give to everyone id give to almost everyone in the entire world if i could but feeling that way during holidays never sat right with me it would ruin my mood my self esteem/self worth i would feel i had no value like i was never good enough no matter hat i did or gave would never be good enough i would find myself damn near balled up in a corner crying on a day that was supposed to be happy my birthday being so close to christmas put my birthday in the my mind in the  “you dont matter box” lol im sure most can relate if their birthday is during that time when most people are getting ready for the holidays while everyone else gets both a birthday present and a christmas present for christmas babies your lucky if you even get a gift in general trying to throw a party around that time is equally as difficult people are just too busy the holiday its supposed to be about Jesus and his birth and birthday although its not even the day he was born a lot of people aint even really thinking about Jesus at all some celebrate christmas and dont even believe in God its just tradition for them and a reason to celebrate and get gifts and its origins have nothing to do with God!!! The origin of Christmas is completely opposite of what most think theyre celebrating and most are in denial that they continue to celebrate a lie with a dark origin they say halloween is a devils holiday but Christmas is too!! the reason the birth of Jesus is not listed in the bible is because God never planned or commanded us to celebrate his birth because he doesnt have a birthdate he has always existed the bible even calls it foolishness (Jer 10) this is the reason people cant wait for the holiday cram to be over with because theyre busy trying to please everyone except God being selflessly selfish and putting themselves into debt is that really the correct way to show people that you care?  When u travel a bit when u go through some things when u see people struggle just to have a roof over their head are homeless or living in a shelter or if you think of people in other countries who are just grateful for a pair of old worn out shoes you realize how vain the holidays really are the bible even calls it “vanity” when you look at all the beautiful decorations all the money spent on trees and lights etc u start to see it for what it really is its all “vanity” please believe im not being judgemental i celebrated this holiday before i somewhat celebrated it even tho i was in the hospital i mean you really cant avoid the celebration because the majority is celebrating and it will trickle its way on down to you in one way or another for instance i no longer celebrate and this is my first year deciding not to the nurses bought me gifts along with a santa claus hat that ive been wearing because i love hats its warm im into costumes and fashion but even fashion can be considered vanity we have put ourselves in a place and position that we forgot where we came from and what our ancestors went through.. I loved planning birthdays and surprises for friends, but when it came to me, the favor was never returned. That's when I realized that planning my own birthday or holidays or others birthdays that it was too much pressure trying to please others. it still makes you feel inadequate and terrible. nobody cares  Let's be real Everyone is already in debt. Your birthday just became another errand on their daily to-do list. If you invite a lot of people they dont show up or might not bring anything some folks just really are there for the food and a party could care less about you but its just something to do it could mean you have false friendships/relationships in general and you're just there hoping for gifts even fake friends buy gifts too u just never know .... the dark origins is really what made me give up on holidays valentines day is supposed to be about love but i never felt more unloved than on that day halloween aka “the devils day” you get more gifts of candy from strangers than any other holiday ironically and its like the  day where being scared is supposed to be fun the bible clearly states fear is not of God a lot of people like that stuff and like the feeling of being afraid until its a real situation then its not so fun.. i can barely watch horror films i honestly dont know how people come up with these crazy scary movies how do they film them write them and play these characters i mean acting is most def a talent...If you’ve never researched where our Christmas traditions come from, if interested in the truth look into it. I started to share them here, but it would take me FOR.EV.ER. to go through all of the names, dates, traditions, etc. But look into where Dec. 25th came from.  the Yule log, the Christmas tree and its ornaments and lights, holly, mistletoe, wreaths, the Christmas ham… look up Winter Solstice and Saturnalia. If you are really interested in knowing where your traditions come from and what they mean… do some studying.Suffice it to say, what we are doing when we partake of the traditions of Christmas is nothing more than imitating the pagan’s worship of the sun god. And i no longer can stand to have any part of spitting in the face of God. (Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but this is how it makes me feel.)For a long time I tried to rationalize that it was okay to continue enjoying the festivities. After all, we weren’t doing it to worship a sun god, we were honoring the birth of Christ! Right? Well, after much prayer and studying God’s word, one day the Lord revealed this analogy to me.Let’s just say that your spouse has cheated on you. After all, the Lord does call his people an “adulterous bride” after they went chasing pagan gods.Let’s say that your cheating spouse has come back to you, and asked your forgiveness. All has been made right again.Now, let’s say it’s your birthday. And your spouse wants to honor you on this day. (Although, in an appropriate analogy the celebration wouldn’t even be on your actual birthday!its on the other womans/guys birthday)But instead of giving you gifts that you have clearly expressed a desire for, your spouse gives you things that his lover enjoyed! He made his/her favorite foods, wanted to enjoy his/her favorite activities with you, lavished you with things that would have delighted him/her! Now, would this honor you? Would you feel loved and esteemed in this situation? Of course not!!! You’d be Livid!!! Is this not what we do to Christ, when we say that we are honoring Him by means of pagan traditions!? Being me,.. I wanted to find something in Scripture to solidify my convictions. Would God see the intentions of my heart, and understand that I’m just trying to please Him? Or would He be angry as I know I would be in that situation?...YHWH brought me to Exodus 32, the story of the Golden Calf. Remember that one? Moses had gone up onto the mountain to speak with God (and bring down the 10 commandments), but he took so long in coming that the people began to wonder what had happened to him. They asked Aaron to make a golden calf for them to worship, and he did so. But I thought this was fascinating, in verse 5 of that same chapter Scripture says, “And when Aaron saw it (the golden calf), he built an altar before it; and Aaron made proclamation, and said, Tomorrow is a feast to the LORD.”Do you see what he was doing? The people had fallen back into pagan practices, and were worshiping an idol, yet saying it was to honor God!!  The next verse goes on to say,“And they rose up early on the morrow, and offered burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and to drink, and rose up to play.”Wow. Sounds like they were having a very fun celebration, huh?! Did the Lord look at the rejoicing of their hearts and feel honored? Let’s find out…In verses 7-9, YHWH speaks to Moses and tells him what the people are doing. He says that they have “corrupted themselves”, and “turned aside quickly out of the way which I commanded them”.Then in verse 10, YHWH says, “Now therefore let me alone, that my wrath may wax hot against them, and that I may consume them…”.He was SO ANGRY! He was ready to destroy them all! Evidently, He was not pleased at the way they were trying to honor Him… mixing worship with pagan traditions. Mixing the holy with the unholy. water oil Vinegar type mix Just. Like. Christmas.....As I continued to study, I also came to 1 Samuel 15…This is where King Saul went out to destroy the Amalekites. But the Lord specifically told him (through Samuel) that he was to “utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.” (verse 3)But if you read on, you’ll find in verse 21 that they did not do as the Lord had commanded, and had in fact brought back with them the best of the sheep and oxen instead of killing them. Of course, when Samuel confronts him about it, Saul rationalizes that they did it “to sacrifice unto the LORD”.Here again, man is disobeying the Lord’s commands, yet saying he is doing so to try to please God. What does the Lord say? Verse 22-23, “And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to “OBEY” is better than sacrifice”!!!, .For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king.”God didn’t want the sacrifices. He wanted obedience!!!.Here’s another in Deuteronomy 12:29-31; He is speaking to the Israelites before they go into the promised land,“When Yahweh your Elohim cuts off from before you the nations which you go to dispossess, and you displace them and dwell in their land, take heed to yourself that you are not ensnared to follow them, after they are destroyed from before you, and that you do not inquire after their gods, saying, `How did these nations serve their gods? I also will do likewise.’You shall not worship Yahweh your Elohim in that way; for every abomination to Yahweh which He hates they have done to their gods…”We are specifically told NOT to worship God with the ways of the pagans!! Jesus himself said in Matthew 15:7-9, “Ye hypocrites, well did Isaiah prophesy of you, saying, This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.”I don’t want to worship in vain, forsaking the commandments of God and clinging to the traditions of men. (also in Matt. 15:3)I don’t want to have anything to do with the unholy.Ephesians 5:11, “And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.”In fact, the recurring theme all throughout Scripture is for God’s people to NOT follow the way of the pagans (in other words, go along with what the rest of the unbelieving world does), but to be set apart as holy, and to honor YHWH by obeying His commandments!If we profess to worship the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, then we cannot ignore the very character of God as repeated to us throughout Scripture. He is a loving God, yes, but He is also a jealous God. He will not share His people with idols.“For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” Exodus 34:14 But let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that Christmas traditions don’t really have pagan roots. Let’s just pretend that’s a bunch of baloney.Even still, nowhere in Scripture is it commanded to remember the birth of Christ. In fact, what we are commanded to celebrate are the Biblical Feasts of the Lord (given in Lev. 23), including Passover in remembrance of Christ’s death. Yet, far too many Christians have never even heard of the seven Feasts of the Lord, or they think they are “Jewish” celebrations. Scripture doesn’t call these holy days (not holidays) “Jewish feasts”, but the LORD’s Feasts. And everyone who calls himself a child of Elohim is to keep them. Forever.And so, we have chosen to give the Lord the gifts He has specifically requested, and honor Him through celebrating and remembering the Feasts of the lord.Loved ones, I know that Christmas is a special time of year, and that people get very caught up in its traditions and festivities. But our hearts yearn to honor the Lord… above all else. And this is something that i feel is non-negotiable.So, im  saying “No”: to the holiday rush, and fighting over the latest toys for my kids, and inflatable yard decorations, and the lies of a bearded man who claims to have the powers of God (all seeing, all knowing, all present), and the Great Big Toys “R” Us Book, and “Yuletide” carols, and guilt induced credit card spending, and drunken company Christmas parties, and everything else that the world gets so wrapped up in during this time of year.For me, it really only comes down to one thing:“If you love me, keep my commandments.” John 14:15 And I think I’ve laid out pretty clearly what i believe the Lord expects from us.  one holiday i like which is the 4th of july because it summer and there’s fireworks in the sky and bbq but what is the true origin of 4th of july? i wish we didn’t have to have wars i wish people could just live and let live without hurting anyone why steal why not just learn from each other share a world without greed would be beautiful but also when u have nothing really left and after you have gotten rid of all the fake people in your life u find no real reason to celebrate if you have no one to celebrate with with my family all passing away the money has been short after being  locked up in an institution it puts a damper on things i feel like these holidays are made up just to make the rich get rich yes we all want to have fun and have a good time but id rather celebrate with the right people for the right reason without any ulterior motives that battle against principalities ans spiritual wickedness against rulers of darkness evil spirits in high places the fowl of the air id much rather sell things to people who do celebrate these holidays because at least it can help with bills instead of be a hindrance and burden in my life i’m not judging anyone who celebrates holidays i use to celebrate them too i’m just sharing why i have chosen not to  honestly i celebrate everyday i buy gifts throughout the year why celebrate when the government wants us to? so they can capitalize on the citizens have us participate in their hellenistic rituals that we aren’t even  made aware of until we do the homework and learn about them for ourselves these traditions were forced on us we weren’t given a choice and to think we were told that by celebrating these days we are honoring God and all along we arent we are honoring other gods celebrating holidays that have origins of other gods and not the true God the bible doesn’t encourage us to entertain these practices why even celebrate anything that has the potential to be a set  up for disappointment by not celebrating it eliminates any expectation of having a day that you really only see in the movies on the hallmark channel i’ve also noticed people dread and just cant wait for it to be over like a funeral and its supposed to be a joyful prosperous time its even programmed to be called the most wonderful time of the year i tell ya satan is a sly trickster i chose life and freedom from the imprisonment that i feel when it comes to the holidays so while everyone else is celebrating i decided to be happy and enjoy myself in my own company with God the real comforter snuggled up to him in worship and gratefulness as an introvert id rather spend the days away from all of that i enjoy being an introvert i enjoy being in my own company creating with the creator holding me down and uplifting me and perhaps the holidays have turned me into  a “scroogey your highness grinch” because i view things differently now but with that comes the freedom of me not having to do what everyone else is doing setting myself apart from the masses (mass level of destruction lol insider) i’m living my life by my rules by my preferences and spending time with God my best friend God never asked for anything but for us to live right and be holy because he is holy this is something to be celebrated always everyday everyday is our unbirthday one day out of the year is a day we were born on and we shouldn’t feel pressured or disappointed because someone didn’t get us a gift or acknowledge the fact that we are here another year and alive if anything we should spend our birthday alone with God because for sure its facts that you’ll feel value and loved in the arms of God i feel we should do something special for ourselves no one will ever love us like God can no one will ever love us like the self love we give ourselves truth be told people will always fail u people will not always be there for you people die there are no guarantees in life except the existence of God and his everlasting word anything else is temporary everything we see will one day no longer be  so i make it a point not to depend on external happiness internal happiness is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves  always do you stay true to yourself get rid of old habits that dont benefit your soul and be happy do what makes you happy there’s always room to learn more and to improve in certain areas in your life in all areas a friend once told me and it will forever stick with me and that is we aren’t perfect we are not all knowing we are forever learning and correcting things we are all a work in progress give to others keep yourself in alignment with the word of God by giving to others its like youre giving to God and it will be given back to you within the same measure you gave with so just be a happy cheerful giver give from you’re entire heart good things will happen just dont give and expect something back giving to receive doesn’t work like that...another thing  don’t wait for their birthday or a man made holiday to do things for people some might not even live to see another birthday this kinda follows the saying don’t wait till i’m dead to buy me flowers or wait till im gone to finally miss me invite someone to dinner just because why wait until thanksgiving to feast and be thankful around your loved ones thanksgiving a day where we are actually celebrating stealing the land from the people who were already here thats like allowing someone to move in with you you teach them how to grow food and make a living for themselves and then they rob you and kick you out of your own home and force you to pay them to live in the street and first and foremost last but most assuredley not least never allow the holidays to validate you your value doesnt depend on gifts u get or didnt get or the people around you i like small numbers i think God prefers small numbers too because quality is and always will be better than quantity id rather have 1 real friend than a thousand fake friends even if my only friend is myself i remember in elementary school they would give out secret candies on valentines day some student s would recieve like 30 gifts because either they were that much admired and popular or they bought themselves gifts and made it look like someone else did it for them to make themselves appear to be better but i wonder if fake love makes them feel better its kinda like today how they buy followers do me a favor be happy keep the fake stuff to the side seek to be happy internally so nothing or no one can take that from u people and material things are all external things theyre all temporary the things money cant buy the things we cant see are the more permanent things our bodies are also temporary but these souls of ours are gonna be with us a lot longer so make sure you take good care of it and of you real love is internal and eternal and its the best gift we can give to ourselves signed #EternallyYours #EternalLove

[pepperstrawberry]

Update on all things Pepper...

Okay, so, the last 24 hours have seen me taking too many naps and not doing enough of really anything. Might be some of whatever hit me the other week still hanging in the air, or maybe that I’m just not eating well... but in any case, I’m going to try to force myself to crash fully before 4am this time at least, maybe see about getting my sleep schedule ready for things coming up.

Still plugging away at commissions, thank you to all of you still waiting for them.

Also, I -think- I might finally have a handle on the Patreon thing. There are several elements that I’ve been waffling on for a while that might be solidifying... though there is still a lot to figure out, but as long as I have a starting place, that is good enough in the short term.

In other news: For those waiting on ‘BxD’, it’s still being worked at, all be it at a much reduced rate. The starting stories are still solid in my head, which is more then I can say for a lot of my other ideas for the most part. But In case some folks missed it, thanks to a really awesome post recently by a really cool person, I was able to fully overhaul and power up my Transgender Super hero story, which is one that I’ve been working on for years and as been very close to my heart. I’ve always wanted it to be my first comic every since first coming up with the project idea back when I was working at McD like, 8+ years ago.

For those in the know about me: Why yes, I did indeed have a Trans-character 5+ years before I even realized myself. XD My creativity was telegraphic the move and trying to tell me something for years it seems.

If you want to know more, I have been and am posting things under the ‘Grip: the magical’ tag, so just search that on my tumblr and you will find everything so far.

Heads up on it though, finished work and newer news and elements are planned to be a part of the perks on my patreon. not that you won’t see that info here, just that first peek and newer things and higher quality stuff and what not are going to be there first and primary.

I am hoping to get the comic on Hiveworks or some other group, though that will make page previews a bit trickier when I get to them more actively. But I’ll worry about that bridge when I get to it.

Also, if any of you have a patreon, or have used it enough with comic artists and have suggestions, feel free to drop ideas for perks in my ask box.

On the subject of the playmats: Yes, Aminikhet as well as my Alesha/Forge mat designs are going to be sent to Inked gaming very soon. Like tonight/tomorrow morning soon. But I’m hoping to have one more design ready, Temurmaids. Though I’m having trouble with that one. Not so much in the fact of working on it (though I am going to be looking up a few tutorials I know of for underwater effects), but more in Nissa’s expression. The original sketch is a bit... suggestive. And I want to make a mat that you can just lay out at FNM without fear. So I’m either going to change the expression, or make to versions with each expression... still debating on it.

And then there are mugs and sticker minis. I’m working on that. Second they are available, I’ll let you all know.

In other news: I got my old job back. I’m sure some have heard, but I’m making it known here. So back to the grocery store with me for a while. The good news is its going to be part time in the short term (depending on needs and what not, can go up and down), AND I get my fridays totally off.

.... So, I’m totally open for things to do on Friday, depending on stuff. I do want to make it back to FNM again, but that depends on a lot of factors as well as money... but if not FNM, I do want to see about maybe joining a dnd/rp group of some sort. Though I would prefer IRL, I wouldn’t mind a skype/hangouts/discord group either.

Another thing I want to still do now and then is working on my silly fan fics, if nothing else, then as a venting thing... allot myself a certain time in the week to work on them.... But I’m wondering should I still post them here or make a new blog specific for it? Mmm.... I dont want to run too many blogs, but you guys are mostly here for my actual comics, magic, and mini stuffs. Since I only to Ranma/Sailor Moon/Kamen Rider based stuff for fan fics, I’m not sure how much I want to post here about it. Any thoughts are welcome.

Anyhoo.... if felt like outside of silly reblogs, I haven’t been giving much update, so here we are. XD

[patchworktail]

ITS 4:30 AM AND I DONT FEEL LIKE SLEEPING so I’m gonna do this meme that i got tagged for twiCE and totally forgot to do til now!!!! (i had 2 dig through your blogs to find them omg)

ANYWAY i was tagged by both @mooitstimdrake​ and @cynessie​ (I MISS U BOTH BTW ❤)

RULES: Share 11 facts about yourself, answer 11 questions provided by the tagger, tag 11 awesome people and leave 11 questions for them to answer!

(I’m gonna skip tagging people/asking 11 questions - 1) because I’m lazy 2) because a lot of people who I would tag either have already been tagged or woN’T DO IT and 3) I have to answer two sets of 11 questions anyway so I’ll let one of those sets take the place of my 11 questions!!)

11 Facts

I was supposed to leave to move into my college 3 days ago but since my college is in Savannah they pushed off move-in/orientation for a weEK BECAUSE OF HURRICANE IRMA AND I’M STILL UPSET/DISAPPOINTED

That being said I’m about to start as a college freshman at art school, planning on majoring in animation! :D

I binged all of Buzzfeed Unsolved in like 2 days and I fuckin LOVE IT

Also BNHA is like my current main obsession???? I fell in love w that anime and uhhhh I’d Die For My Kids

I almost never use skype anymore - I’m always on Discord now (mutuals may add me just message me if you want my tag :3c)

I loooove creating OCs and my main OC is a forest elf named Rally and he’s precious and I LOVE HIM AND COULD TALK ABOUT HIM FOR HOURS (also my best friend @/harpxer and I have a huge ongoing rp with him and her mountain elf oc, Kahl!! they’re really gay)

Hmmm fun fact I guess I’ve been involved with internet communities since I was 10 years old and I made my very first internet friend when I was 10 and we’re still great friends and talk p much every day to this day (hi @/fiishr)

I want a tattoo super bad but idk what I’d geT

I worked at a jewelry engraving stand at an amusement park this summer and one night I accidentally gave myself a 1st degree burn on my finger from the hot glue gun and it hurt So Bad

I had my graduation party this July and it was really fun but the best part was when 14 of us played this giant game of spoons and it got really intense, made worse by people randomly screaming during it, and then we collectively decided to blast hardcore rap music from the speakers and Let Me Tell You i have not been involved in a more stressful card game in my LIFE

I’ll always always always fall for the hero/happy character/protagonist basically....idk what it is about me but I’m so Predictable...I love cute optimistic brave characters who just wanna do Right.....I don’t cARE IF PEOPLE THINK THEY’RE BORING I THINK THEY’RE PERFECT AND AMAZIGN AND I LOVE THEM

AS FOR AN EXTRA 12TH FACT ABOUT ME AS U CAN SEE I WRITE WAY TOO MUCH AND ALSO I’M THE BIGGEST OVERSHARER E V E R IT’S SO BAD SOMEONE STOP ME

ANYWAY ONTO THE QUESTIONS :3c

@mooitstimdrake​‘s Questions:

If you were to make a new blog dedicated to one single thing (fandom, hobby/activity, etc) what would it be? Honestly, right at the moment probably BNHA!!!! it’s legit my most recent big obsession and I love it?? so much???

If you could have any kind of animal as a pet, what would you have? A RACCOON!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THEM SOSOSOSOSOS MUCH and some people actually do have them as pets! They can be difficult though but WORTH IT

Who was your favorite teacher and why were they your favorite? OH BOY......I’m gonna say it’s a tie between my AP studio art teacher and my AP US government teacher from this past year, my senior year! My AP art teacher because our class was super tiny, 12 kids, and it really felt like a family?? She was a-okay with letting us all goof around and say weird shit, she was really chill and funny and like. part teacher, part friend, which was always nice. As for my AP gov teacher, he was SO. FUCKING. FUNNY. OH MAN. NOT EVEN ON PURPOSE he just like? put up with SO MUCH? we had some real character kids in that class and my teacher’s reactions were HILARIOUS. he had a sarcastic streak too so his responses were equally as funny when someone did something weird. He would say the funniest stuff just ask @/harpxer I would tell her so many stories from that class sohboshrb. Aside from the humor that class was really interesting, and he’s a really good, invested teacher - he wanted us to learn, he’s super passionate about government and history, and he always started off each class with 2 current events which was really nice and helped me learn more about things happening in the world too!!! overall that was like my fav non-art class I’ve ever taken!!!!

What’s your guilty pleasure (and I’m challenging you not to say some kind of food)? HMMMMM. Honestly I’m gonna go ahead and say really cheesy or lame movies/shows (like, Disney channel movies, dumb shows - like the one summer I watched all of Glee LOL, stuff like that). Like yeah I know 90% of it is terRIBLE but it’s still amusing/lighthearted stuff that makes me happy KLSDJVLSDHB

Favorite pizza topping? EXTRA CHEESE IF THAT COUNTS, if not then pepperoni!!

What’s the last thing you bought (that wasn’t food)? I’ve actually been buying a lot the past few weeks in prep for college/spending a little money for ONCE since I worked all summer. I got a bunch of boring stuff but the things I’m most excited about are: two posters I got for my dorm (The Office is one and one is Lord Huron), a giant wall tapestry (it’s Up themed!!!), tWO BNHA/POKEMON CHARMS THAT CAME TODAY AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THEM I START CRYING BC THEYRE SO CUTE, and oh my GOD I BOUGHT THIS GIANT PILLOW FROM TARGET AND IT IS THE SINGLE SOFTEST THING I’VE EVER FELT AND IT’S HUGE AND IT IMMEDIATELY BECAME MY #1 COMFORT OBJECT AND TOP FIVE FAV THINGS IVE EVER BOUGHT!!!!!! I guess MOST recently though I just bought Clip Studio Paint online today (art program) since it’s on sale for 50% off and I’ve heard great things about it!

What upcoming movies/tv shows are you looking forward to? UHHHHH as for movies... justice league part 1, the incredibles 2, kingsman 2, the neW POKEMON MOVIE I CHOOSE YOU, probably a lot more I can’t remember rn. AS FOR SHOWS HMMM I’m...excited for the next season of the good place and izombie, and oh I’m excited for the punisher netflix show!! and the next season of voltron of COURSE!!! and next season of stranger things!! probably more I’m forgetting too tbh

Any recommendations (this could be anything just throw your best pitch at me)? JFISDJKLBJ I DON’T KNOW OMG tbh rachel you watch a lot of the same things I do already LMAOOO

What’s your favorite thing to wear that you own? OH FUCK I DUNNO HMMM I really like wearing my various leggings and scarves, but as like a Single Item....I like wearing....uhhhh I have this giANT sweater like it’s WAY too big for me but it’s so COMFY and I love it. I also love wearing my Star Labs sweatshirt bc it’s soft and comfortable

What was your first pet? my cat!!! we took her in as a stray kitten living in our backyard when I was like. 2 or 3 and so we’ve basically had her my whole life!!

If you could learn any language, what would it be? UHHHHHH honestly probably spanish - I took it 4 straight years and was okay at it in class but one year went by with me not taking it and I forgot everything LOOOL I’m...bad....at languages....

@cynessie‘s Questions:

Where is the coolest place you’ve ever been? I haven’t been many cool places :( I guess the coolest isssss I dunno it depends? Lake George is where I go on vacation every year, I LOVE NYC, I love Savannah too and it’s where I’m gonna be for college so?? ?? ?  ? I’VE NEVER BEEN OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND I’M SAD BUT I’M POOR AND CAN’T AFFORD IT

What was the first thing you remember wanting to be when you grew up? veterinarian!! 

Look to your right. What do you see? a dirty plate on my desk, my bed just past that, and my CHARMS THAT CAME TODAY THAT ARE SO CUTE I CRY EVERY TIME I SEE THEM

What are you procrastinating on? ajkldjboidj lik e 4 art commissions,,,, and 7 MAP parts,,,, and my pre-work for 2 of my classes,,,,,,,and cleaning my room,,,, and sending thank-you notes to relatives,,, SOMEONE KICK MY ASS AND MAKE ME DO SHIT

Which family member are you closest too and what is their name? UHHHH.... I guess my younger brother Luke? or maybe my mom? I’m not on bad terms with anyone though, I love both my older brothers too and we all have a good sibling relationship I just talk more with my younger bro I think - second closest would be with my second older brother Connor!

What’s the last song you listened to? I’m listening to Ultralife by Oh Wonder right now :3c I’ve been on a huUUGE Oh Wonder kick lately!!

What do you generally carry in your bag/pockets when you go out? my wallet (w my license and money and debit card and all), travel size lotion, phone, and chap stick!!

What is one thing you are excited for? FINALLY GETTING TO COLLEGE NEXT WEEK AND STARTING CLASSES FJIODFHINBDFHBNSBO

Do you believe in ghosts? I’m gonna hesitantly say YES but I’m not 100% convinced I don’t think

What is a skill you want to learn? MAYBE THIS IS WEIRD but I think learning how to act would be kinda neat. On a more realistic note I wish I could learn to exercise without dying

Tell me a joke. I’M BAD AT JOKES DON’T DO THIS TO ME NESSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO YEAH THAT’S ALL FOLKS it’s 5am now...Nice..... :’) I love my ability to stay up obscenely late while also getting Nothing Done JLSDNVDHAGHVDLAK

[wiccanery]

replying to @redcherrieblossoms who replied to this post (sorry folks, this is going to be long. The rest under the cut because yea

Right so "wiccanery" youre not wiccan yet thats your username on here. And yeah witch craft isn't closed yet when people do it for "aesthetic" I consider that appropriating. You had a chance educate people on shit and you chose to make it a quick 15 seconds of fame. I didn't say anything about the practice being a closed one. Its hilarious to me that youve been somewhat a witch for 2 years and you think you know so much as to have an article. There are witches who have been practicing solitary and in covens for ages and either still dont write about it or are discredited for a small thing they say. But its ok. The few people who do know well enough will see that you failed to mention anything about sigils. Do you even know what sigils are? I remember my second year of witchcraft i knew so little about it that i didnt even care to talk about it. Theres a lot to learn and im not saying you shouldnt voice what you do know but the article came off as childish and uninformed. Next time you get an opportunity like that. Take your time and plan what you say. Talk to other witches. Perhaps youre solitary but id suggest you look into covens because they can teach you way more than you think you can learn. Yeah a lot of witches dont cast circles but you should have given that option so that people can decide for themselves if they want to do it. Misinformation about such a minute detail is more important than you think.

Ok, I’m going to address this by parts.

“Right so "wiccanery" youre not wiccan yet thats your username on here.” Yes. I started as a Wiccan, chose that name, and now I’m not Wiccan but I don’t feel like changing my username as I have many things linked across my whole blog and it’s a pain in the ass to change it again. Plus, I like how it sounds, and I like to make it think as “wicce” which is ancient english for witch if I remember correctly.

“And yeah witch craft isn't closed yet when people do it for "aesthetic" I consider that appropriating.” That’s your problem, because considering the meaning and the rest of examples of appropriation, most of the community I think wouldn’t agree. But you’re free to believe whatever you want, so be it. I don’t like it being used as a trend or as “aesthetic”, but apart from informing, there’s not much we can do (that’s what I was intending with the article). 

“You had a chance educate people on shit and you chose to make it a quick 15 seconds of fame.” Ok, I don’t consider it a 15 minutes of fame thing. People had already approached me. I only do what feels right and try to shed a light on stuff, which is what I did. It’s not like I live off from this blog either or some shit like that. Also, what the fuck am I supposed to do if someone approaches me asking about stuff?! “No, I haven’t been a witch for X years yet so I can’t answer or do interviews”. Fuck that. I wanted to help, and it was a simple subject.

“I didn't say anything about the practice being a closed one.” You said i make it seem as cultural appropriation, and cultural appropriation is something suffered by closed practices (which neo wicca and witchcraft aren’t).

“Its hilarious to me that youve been somewhat a witch for 2 years and you think you know so much as to have an article.“ You don’t know a thing about me. Why are you so bitchy about it? I’ve been actively practicing for more than 2, but learning for 5 or so, but I consider myself (and a lot of people I know do too) as a fast learner so I don’t have much trouble absorbing lots of information. I have an article (two actually, because someone else had also interviewed me a while ago) because I made a post about emoji spells trying to shed a light on what it was and how it works as at that time I had seen many floating around (this post here). People evidently got a hang of it and they come up to me thinking I am super knowledgable on the subject. It’s very simple so there isn’t much knowledge to acquire, it’s not like energy work which is very extensive (and I’m not so well versed in it), so I was more than willing to help.

“There are witches who have been practicing solitary and in covens for ages and either still dont write about it or are discredited for a small thing they say.“ Okay, I don’t do what I do based on what others of my similar position do. I do whatever I feel, and if I feel I can help, I do it. And if they get discredited, I’m so sorry for that, no one should have that happen to them, as everyone perceives their practice as their own and people shouldn’t boss around others’ practices telling them it’s “wrong” if it works for them. If they make valid points, they should be welcomed for their contribution. If they have a wrong idea (i.e. thinking wicca and witchcraft are the same for example, of course they should be educated on the subject).

“But its ok. The few people who do know well enough will see that you failed to mention anything about sigils. Do you even know what sigils are?“ I’m sure you haven’t seen the original post I made that sparked a lot of the emoji spells and being approached for that. I linked it before. You’ll see that I mention that emoji spells work very much like sigils, and if you were bothered to look a bit through my blog, you would have seen that I recommend sigils to most people who come in asking for help, as it’s very easy and simple magic and anyone with pen and paper can do them. I love sigils and I love making them. This validates my previous point that you don’t know nothing about me (apart from skimming through my blog and probably reading my about me page). The reason why I didn’t mention it in this article is because I forgot... People forget things all the time, and I was in a rush when the interviewer approached me so I just concentrated on the emoji subject and my mind left out pretty much the rest.

“I remember my second year of witchcraft i knew so little about it that i didnt even care to talk about it.“ Well, that’s you and your path. I’m in my whatever (second, apparently, it feels like more) year of witchcraft and I feel I have learned so much, but that there’s still so much to learn. I’m willing to help out anyone who approaches me and asks about a subject I know about (if I just know a little, I tell them that little I know about and direct them to other sources); and if I don’t know about, I try to find information and/or direct them to other places so at least I can be of some help. If you didn’t feel like talking about it, then that’s on you, why do I have to be like you?

“Theres a lot to learn and im not saying you shouldnt voice what you do know but the article came off as childish and uninformed.“ I didn’t write it and I didn’t edit it either; I’m pretty sure they made it to be a friendly approach, which may sound childish to some. I just answered the questions that they asked to the best of my knowledge, and considering there isn’t much depth to emoji spells, there isn’t much to say.

“Next time you get an opportunity like that. Take your time and plan what you say.“ I mean, I did think it out, I took my time to answer it, but there isn’t much to add to that subject, as I said. And I wasn’t part of how the final result was. I was just interviewed.

“Talk to other witches. Perhaps youre solitary but id suggest you look into covens because they can teach you way more than you think you can learn.“ Again, you don’t know a thing about me. I’m not in any coven irl because there’s none in my area, but I talk to many witches online all the time in the various witchy servers I’m in, and I try to help out anyone over there. Sure, I always learn new stuff, be it from reading things that are posted or checking on people’s questions and tagging along, which is amazing and why I love being in those servers.

“Yeah a lot of witches dont cast circles but you should have given that option so that people can decide for themselves if they want to do it. Misinformation about such a minute detail is more important than you think.“ If you read the post I made, you would have seen that I added the idea that you can opt for not using the circle, which apparently I had left out before (my bad), but now it’s there, and in the interview, they asked me if the circle was mandatory, to which I replied that no, it wasn’t, and you can opt for using it or not. I posted the article and added a note at the bottom if you care to read it (read it here). Personally, I disapprove of the decision of not including that in the article (the fact that you can choose not to use the circle, that is), but I’m not in the editing team, so I can’t do anything (and I have absolutely no idea how to reply on snapchat stories, I don’t even think it’s possible).

At this moment I just feel you’re bitching just because, which I honestly don’t get. If you have a grudge with me or anything, send me a PM letting me know why, or do whatever you want. Have a nice day!