#ladies code instagram

[anna-scribbles]

last night my sister’s new husband’s mom was walking around the living room and showing everyone pictures on her phone (one of which was a wedding photo of my sister and her husband, the other was an ADRINETTE DRAWING SHE FOUND ON MY INSTAGRAM) and kept telling everyone how similar they looked😭😭

[hyunniesgirl]

My cat likes you

Pairing: Lee Know x gn!reader

Genre: fluff

Summary: your cat is behaving strangely lately and a walk outside your apartment shows you exactly why.

Warnings: none

A/N: I saw a video on Instagram with a cat rubbing on the floor when they saw a cute guy and I was like "why is this so Lee Know coded?" And had to make something like that with him heheheh

It's been a few days since your cat started behaving strangely, she'll wake you up early in the morning meowing at your room’s door. At first you thought she did that because she was hungry, but when you put food in her bowl she ignores it and keeps meowing.

You realized then, that she wanted you to follow her as she twirled and rubbed on the floor. She would wait for you at the door and would keep scratching it, waiting for you to open it.

“It's too early for a walk, Bo-mi”, you tell her, shaking your head and turning around, going back to your bed to try and sleep a little bit more before work.

She keeps insisting on the early morning walks, but you don't give in, you can't have her get used to going out when it's still time for you to be sleeping.

After a few days, Bo-mi starts having that same behavior late at night, when you are already in bed, ready to go to sleep. She meows for minutes straight until you get up and walk with her to the door.

“Bo-mi, we can't go out now, I'm already in my pjs”, you sigh, patting her. But she keeps scratching the door and meowing for you to go out. “Tomorrow is Friday, okay? So I can stay up late to take you out for a walk”, you tell her before going back to your room.

You spend the next day trying to figure out why she's acting this way. You think about the possibility of her being sick, but she's eating and drinking water normally and she's sleeping the same amount as she always did. Her last check up wasn't even two months ago, even so, you should definitely make an appointment with the veterinarian.

You arrive at home and Bo-mi comes running to you, purring and rubbing herself on you. After you pet her, she goes back to the couch, getting comfortable there again, she doesn't even try to go to the door. Why does she just want to go out when it's late? Or early in the morning? It’s just strange.

Thinking too much about it won't help you find out what's going on, so you give up on the thoughts and just go to the bathroom to take a shower and put on some comfortable clothes since you have to take the lady of the house for a walk in a few hours.

Everything kind of makes sense when you open the door and Bo-mi goes running to the corridor, however, she stops at your neighbor's door, sniffing a bit. The sound of the elevator takes you out of your thoughts and your cat walks in that direction finding a strange man coming out of the elevator.

He looks at her and smiles, trying to go past her but she throws herself in the ground, showing her belly to him and rubbing herself on the floor.

Before you can speak, the guy bends down, petting and making her meow. You look at your watch to see that he's arriving at the exact time that Bo-mi tries going out every night. The weirdest thing is that she hates strangers, especially men.

“I’m sorry”, you finally get out of your head to say something, “she has been acting strangely lately”

“It's okay”, he says, without looking at you. Hypnotized by your cat's little meows and cuteness. “I actually saw her on the balcony one of these days, but couldn't pet her because of the distance”, he chuckles. “What's her name?”

He finally looks at you when asking that and for a moment it seems like the world stops for the both of you. He's the most handsome man you have ever seen in your entire life, with cute boba eyes and an innocent look.

“It's Bo-mi”, you tell him, feeling your cheeks a bit warm.

He clears his throat, petting your cat for the last time before standing up again, fixing his clothes. He didn't look at you at first, but you are so pretty it actually left him speechless and that is a hard thing to achieve. He was even going to make a joke about cats, but couldn't even manage to get that out while looking at your face.

“I'm sorry to ask, but do you also go out around five a.m.?” You ask out of nowhere, making him look at you suspiciously.

“Yeah, why?”

“Because I think my cat is in love with you”, you tell him, pointing at Bo-mi, rubbing herself on his legs. “She always tries to go out around five in the morning or at this time of the night, I guess she wanted to see you again”

You really understand Bo-mi on that, you would also want to see him everyday if you had the chance.

“Oh”, he smiles, “I'm Minho by the way, I moved here two weeks ago”, he says pointing to his apartment.

“I'm y/n”, you give your hand for him to shake, “I know it's weird to ask this, but can I bring her out sometimes so she can see you?” You ask, shyly, making Minho chuckle.

“Yeah”, he nods, “maybe you can also meet my cats”, he says, feeling his ears warming up. “I mean, in a housewarming party, of course”, he completes.

“I would love that”, you smile and he feels like he could melt just with that, “I'll take her home now”, you catch Bo-mi in your arms even though she struggles to get out of your grasp and go back to Minho, “I'll wait excitedly to meet your cats”

Minho watches you go into your apartment, waving to him before closing the door. Now, how the hell does a housewarming party even work?

[hotvintagepoll]

any recommendations of queer or queer-adjacent movies? My friends are planning a Queer Month Movie Nights thing and I’m struggling to remember some older ones

(we have also decided thought that To Wong Foo is a requirement watch lol)

So far the only I’ve functionally remembered is Some Like It Hot (unfortunately though the play itself has actual trans rep but not the movie 😔)

ok asterisk before I start rec'ing: the hayes code was a piece of ass and did not allow for obvious gay/queer/trans onscreen rep so all my suggestions from vintage times automatically are queer in subtext/vibe but won't be loud, proud, real representation. this sucks. with that said, how about trying:

the watermelon woman. needs to be on your list and everyone else's. this thing is not put in the classic box enough and (while not a vintage movie itself) has a lot to say about vintage movies (also cheryl dunye...............she is.........so hot)

predictable moment where i talk about talk of the town and everyone hits me with hammers

any movie by john waters

i haven't watched it all the way through so be careful of content warnings, but i don't want to be a man with ossi oswalda is delightful from the clips of it i've seen and hits that silent film drag king vibe

on a similar note, filibus has a cross-dressing cat burglar who romances a lady and drives a flying airship and the movie spends 0 time questioning any of this

victor/victoria is a ton of fun and has my beloved robert preston (round 1 failed hottie. love you king) as a clear, obvious, out gay man mentoring a (queer? trans? unclear) julie andrews. this one is a musical! (this one is not vintage but it sneaks in because i love it)

honestly, i haven't watched all the queer cinema i should have, so this list has big gaps in it that queer.cinema.archive on Instagram can rectify. i've added some of their pieces to my watchlist and i'm always catching up.

if anyone has suggestions of more vintage queer movies please rec in the replies!

[lookingforariaa]

𝜗𝜚 scrolling through your instagram page, expect you're hayden christensen's controversially young gf

ib: @hopesworlld ▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁

yourusername

liked by hayden.christensen, natalieportman and more

yourusername: table for two, please

view all comments pinned hayden.christensen I love you ❤️    ↳ yourusername love u more 💗    ↳  user1 they're so cute omfg liked by author natalieportman my favourites 💞    ↳ yourusername YOU'RE my favourite, LOVEE YOUU SMSM 🥹

yourbestie still don't approve of the grandpa lol    ↳ yourusername stop bullying him 💔    ↳ user2 GRANDPA?? LMAOO

user3 UGHHH SHE SO FUCKING LUCKY

user4 omg the hand placement... stop it

user5 dude they give such wattpad couple vibes i just can't    ↳ user6 AHHH I KNOW THEY'RE LIKE A TOTAL BILLIONAIRE COUPLE    ↳ user7 i love them sm they're lit my comfort couple

user8 HOW TO BE HERR BRUHH

user9 she's living every 10 year old boys fantasy rn fr    ↳ user10 cus she's doing anakin skywalker? 100%

yourusername

liked by hayden.christensen, ariana_greenblatt and more

yourusername: mornings like these

view all the comments

pinned hayden.christensen ❣️

user1 did she js give us anakin skywalker's free feet pics??    ↳ user2 LMAOOO 😭 😭 JAIL!! NOW!!

user3 if u look closer u can seem me jumping off the empire state

liked by author user4 when's the wedding?    ↳ user5 AHH SHE LIKED IT!! FORESHADOWING??    ↳ user4 SHOW USS THE RINGGG

user6 mama y papa

user7 AHHH AINT NO WAY HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN HAS A SLUTTY TATTOO ON HIS SLUTTY ASS BACK AHH THAT JUST MADE HIM EVEN HOTTER

hayden.christensen

liked by yourusername, therealewanmcgregor and more

hayden.christensen Filmfare was breathtaking, my special lady made it even more special.

view all the comments pinned yourusername i love you so much my baby 😭    ↳ hayden.christensen I know, love    ↳ user1 AGHHH HES SUCH A SLUTT I NEEED HIM    ↳ user2 its giving lyhfml    ↳ user3 he totally says that shit in bed

user4 sorry it's my fault that i opened insta today

user5 may this typa love find me

user6 the caption is adorable omfg    ↳ user7 exaaacttllyy he is so in love w her it's so adorable

user8 wait how old is she?    ↳ user9 22    ↳ user8 wtf isn't he like 43-    ↳ user10 i know its kinda creepy    ↳ user11 yall some jealous mfs stfu

yourusername

liked by hayden.christensen, milliebobbybrown and more

yourusername: sitting courtside 🎾💗

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pinned hayden.christensen Your face made me win the match    ↳ yourusername AWWHHH BABBYYY 🥹 🥹    ↳ user1 the highway looks super nice to have a nap on today liked by author milliebobbybrown love these two ❤️‍🩹    ↳ yourusername we love you more

user2 i hate my life

user3 HOW DOES IT FEEL TO LIVE MY DREAM?!?!

user4 nah bru the age gap is too weird    ↳ user5 ok and? is it any of your business

user6 HES SO PRETTY OMFGGG

user7 you know that feeling when you just know a couple does it good in bed    ↳ user8 we should all know less about each other    ↳ user9 he's not wrong

hayden.christensen

liked by yourusername, tomholland2013 and more

hayden.christensen: "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken."— William Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

view all comments

pinned yourusername not u turning into shakespear for me u simp    ↳ hayden.christensen I would turn into anything for you    ↳ user1 and this is how modern darth vader is formed :))

user2 oh my god he is so fucking shakespear coded GODDD I LOVE IT

user3 raw and rough, next question

user4 when is it my chance?

user5 SHE GETS ALL THE PERKS GOD DAMN ITTT OH MY GODDD

user6 A MAN A MAN A M-A-A-ANNNNN

user7 this ruined my whole week ❤️

user8 i don't like men, i just like hayden christensen in general liked by author    ↳ yourusername you ain't alone there    ↳ user9 Y/N LMAOOO 😭😭

▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁

[svt-luna]

ʚིᵋ ⋆ INSTAGRAM UPDATE ࣪ ! ˓ ౨ৎ ࣪˖ ─── 240925: Blue

╰ ౨ৎ LUNA-VERSE MASTERLIST ╰ ౨ৎ luna's instagram

Liked by jeonghaniyoo_n, min9yu_k, feat.dino, and 4,734,383 others

lunabae something blue 🩵

View all comments

babyjijiyeon MRS. YOON!!! HOW UNSERIOUS COULD YOU POSSIBLY FUCKING GET?!?

svtrighthere_ SHE IS ABSOLUTELY SICK IN THE HEAD 🙃

lulunana BSKSHUSHEHAH she cracks me up fr 😂

lunadaily she really just posted this literally MINUTES after we got that fucking confirmation!?!

esther17 FIVE LONG MOTHERFUCKING YEARS! THAT’S HOW LONG YA’LL BEEN TOGETHER?! AND YA’LL ENGANGED TOO!!? I SIMPLY CANNOT WITH THE TWO OF YOU!!!

nana_lulu17 they have managed to break the internet in the span of a few hours and both decided to post on Instagram as if they didn’t… that’s it couple behavior right there.

ddaddu just a few simple questions… FIVE YEARS?! ENGAGED SINCE FUCKING BERLIN!?! AND IS JEONGHAN ALREADY BALD?!?

baebybaeby the caption too I–

ashhhh17 and with that, ladies and gentlemen, Bae Jiyeon became THE military wife 🤭

lunas-closet you look amazing, my love 💕✨

gyugyu_m mom is officially marrying dad 🥹💖

jeongnadaily JEONGNA NATION WE HAVE FUCKING WON!! THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST PIECE OF NEWS I HAVE EVER FUCKING GOTTEN 🎉🎉🎉🎉

napipopeta_ the face card, the body, the outfit… she’s proving to you haters what jeonghan gets on a daily basis 🥵

↳ user24705531 honestly don’t know who I am more jealous of 🙃

↳ moonlightbaby I want to be their third 🤭

xo_xokissme_ the song choice as well 🫠

lunanova09 she knows what’s she’s doing, i mean that caption! you’re getting married to THE Yoon Jeonghan, we get it you won 😭

popipopipopipo Hannie cannot handle all of that 🥵 (I’m totally jealous of him rn)

↳ mimi17 Yoon Jeonghan is the only one who can handle all of that.

jxjforever pledis said they got engaged Sept 8, that’s Berlin… everything makes sense!! them being so smiley during their performance, fans seeing them holding hands in Berlin, LUNA’S FUCKING CAPTION ON HER BERLIN POST!!?

↳ svtforeverfan “berlin you’ll always be my yes, you have my heart always and forevermore, now more than ever 💎🤍” WE HAVE BEEN PLAYED! SHE TOLD US!!

↳ wooowonwoo “always be my yes” IT WAS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF OUR EYES 😝

missbitch ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU AND HAN HAVE BEEN DATING FOR FIVE YEARS AND ARE RECENTLY ENGAGED BUT WE WON’T SEE YOU TWO TOGETHER FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS?!! I AM UNWELL.

sonogong17 can jeonghan fight?

↳ shadowmyshadow like a fist fight? No. He might poison you in your sleep and get away with it tho.

↳ hanniehaeee02 ^^^ this is so Yoon Jeonghan coded. Literally something he is capable of doing 🤣

ೃ⁀➷ comment or message me to be added to the tag list :)

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ SUBMIT A REQUEST AND ASK ME ANYTHING!

: ̗̀➛ requests are always open ♡ - selఌ

Taglist: @yeoberryx @minminghao @angie-x3 @jennwonwoo @k13endall @heeseungthel0ml @chisskaa @megumi2020 @yoonzzziino @lllucere @smh-anon @yveclipse @randomworker @bunnystrm @iamawkwardandshy @gratefulbunny1 @bmo-bri @syren-ash @megseungmin @multiplums @unlikelysublimekryptonite @night-storm7 @cookiearmy @seokqt @btskzfav @billboard-singer @junhuisworld @caturdayvibe @coralbatlampzonk @sof1eya @lyraea

[grimesve1l]

First time for everything

Read previous part here

Summary: Rafe takes you on your first date

Warnings: Swearing

It's been a few days since Rafe spent the night with you but you've still been talking. This morning you had woken up to an apple pay notification and a text from Rafe telling you to get your nails done and be ready by seven. The message made you smile as you got out of bed and headed to the kitchen.

"What you smiling for?" Barry asked from the couch. "Nothing" you said as you started to make breakfast. "Mhm." Barry replied not believing you. "That code for country club?" he adds. "Maybe." you say cracking an egg in the pan. "Y'all dating now or sum?" he asks as he scrolls on his phone. "No, but we do have a date later." you reply.

This makes Barry turn and look at you. "Y'all have a date?" he says. "Yeah. Why are you so shocked?" You ask as you continue cooking. "You two are making each other soft as hell. Back on the mainland you'd be playing five guys at the same time and none of them ever knew it." Barry says.

"And Rafe ain't all that different either he be playing all them kook girls. Now you talking bout y'all got a date. Barry says in disbelief. "I guess we've both had a change of heart. you say shrugging while fixing your and Barry's plates. You put the plates on the table in the living room and sit beside him.

You two continue talking as you eat your breakfasts. Once you finish you take a shower and get ready to get your nails done. "You know a good nail salon around here?" you ask Barry. "Why would I know that?" Barry says giving you a confused look. "I don't you live here don't you?" you respond sarcastically as you look it up on your phone.

"Whatever I found one." you say heading for the door. "Bye B, don't miss me too much!" you say as you leave. You make your way to a nail salon that's not too far but still far enough to be way nicer than what you would've found near you. You walk up to the lady at the front desk and ask if she can do a walk in. The lady looks you up and done but agrees regardless.

You don't miss the way people in the salon look at you but you couldn't care less. Rafe gave you money to spend and you were gonna spend it somewhere nice. You eventually get sat down and the nail tech starts working on your nails. You decide to go with simple long dark red nails.

"I love that color." A girl beside you says. "Oh thanks yours are cute too." you respond. "I'm Sarah. Are you new here I haven't seen you around here before." You think for a moment wondering why the girls name sounds familiar before responding "I'm Y/n and yeah I just recently moved here. I'm getting my nails done for a date tonight." "Ooo who is he maybe I know him. Sarah says.

"He's a friend of my cousins, they do business together." you say. "Oh so he has money." Sarah replies jokingly. "I mean he is paying today." you say with a smile. "Okay!" Sarah says as you both laugh. As the nail tech finishes Sarah's nail she tells you to give her your phone so she can put in her instagram.

"That way you can tell me how your date goes." she says before leaving. You finish not long after and pay with the money Rafe sent. You make your way back home and relax with Barry until it's time to start getting ready.

You're not sure where Rafe is taking you so you go with a simple black dress with lace and some black kitten heels. You had just finished spraying your setting spray when Barry calls you from the living room. "I'm coming" you say as you almost trip down the hall in your heels.

You see Rafe standing by the door waiting for you. "Alright I want her back by midnight and if I find out you hurt her ima whoop your ass." Barry jokes as Y/n moves to stand beside Rafe. "Shut up Barry." you laugh. "I'm just fucking with you but i'm serious about that last part. You hurt her I'll fuck you up country club."

"Trust me man she's in good hands." Rafe says. Barry just nods as the the two head outside. "Bye Barry, love you!" you say, walking to the truck with Rafe where he opens the door for you. He walks around the other side and gets in. He starts the truck and pulls off.

"So where ya takin me?" you ask leaning over the center console to be closer to Rafe. "You'll see." he says looking your way. "At least gimme a hint." you plead. "You're gonna wanna take your shoes off when we get there." he says. "What?" you ask, giving him a confused look.

"Just wait we're almost there." he says while chuckling at your confused expression. Eventually Rafe parks in a secluded part of a beach. "Okay, you gotta trust me. Alright?" he says looking says pulling out a blindfold. "What are tying to do with that?" you ask raising your eyebrows at him. He laughs at your insinuation before telling you he wants to suprise you.

You let him tie it around her eyes and help you out of the truck. The two of you start walking and you almost trip again. "I told you you'd wanna take your shoes off." Rafe laughs. Eventually you both stop walking and Rafe takes your blindfold off. "What do you think?" Rafe asks as you look at the picnic he had setup for you two.

"Oh my God, I love it! How'd you know I like these?" you ask pointing to one of the snacks he laid out. "I had Barry tell me a bunch of your favorite snacks and stuff." he replies. You turn around and hug him "This is the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me." you say with a smile. He smiles back at her before he tells you to sit with him.

The two of you sit side by side and watch the waves before you get an idea. You reach out and grab a chocolate covered strawberry. "Open." you tell Rafe as you go to feed it to him. He takes a bite before saying "It's really good." "Is it?" you ask before taking a bite of your own. "Oh yeah, these are mine now." you say while laughing before grabbing another and taking a bite.

Rafe laughs as he watches you. "You got something right here." he says pointing to the corner of your lip. "Do I?" you ask and he nods. "Here lemme get it" he says using his thumb to wipe it off. This gives you another idea. "You got something too lemme just..." you say as you lean in and press your lips against Rafes.

He brings his hand up to your cheek and kisses you back. The kiss is sweet and simple unlike any kiss either of them have had before. You pulls away and giggles at the sight of her lipstick on Rafes lips. "What?" he asks smiling at her. She uses her phone to show him as she continues to laugh.

He laughs as well as sees himself. "It suits you." you say. "Yeah? Then give me some more." he says moving to press another kiss to your lips. You smile into the kiss as you put your hand into his hair and give it a gentle tug. Rafe pulls back "How does it look now?" he asks. "A little smudged." you reply as you wipe it away.

The two of you continue watching the waves and enjoying the snacks Rafe had brought. Eventually the sun sets and you both lay back on the blanket. Rafe has his arm around your shoulder while you look at the stars. "Im so glad I moved here." you say. "Me too." Rafe says as he presses a kiss to your forehead.

A/n: omg they're so cute i love them. anyways hope y'all liked the fluff!!

Find more of my stuff here :p

[f1fnatic]

SUR LE POINT ⤿ c. leclerc 16

→ ( in which. . . ) you, toto wolff's daughter, are dating semi-rival team driver charles leclerc and toto is trying his best to support your relationship while also being a proud dad.

→ ( fanfic genre. . . ) smau

→ ( face claim. . . ) taylor hill + pictures from pinterest

→ ( pairing. . . ) charles leclerc x wolff!ballerina!reader

→ ( content warnings/disclaimers. . . ) cursing, fluff, google translated german and french

→ ( author's note. . . ) woohoo another smau! these are genuinely so fun to make but sooo time consuming. i hope you enjoy! see end for more

→ ( masterlist )

─ INSTAGRAM ↴

y/n_wolff

📍monte carlo, monaco

liked by susiewolff, lewishamilton, yourbff, charles_leclerc and 953,730 others

y/n_wolff a break between shows 🌞

view 19,572 comments

user7 she is stunning!

user10 mother is mothering

charles_leclerc that dog better not be in the apartment when i get home.

y/n_wolff um about that!

charles_leclerc oh mon dieu

y/n_wolff btw her name is olive!!

susiewolff Meine schöne tochter 💓 (my beautiful daughter)

y/n_wolff woher, glaubst du, habe ich es? (where do you think i got it from?)

mercedesamgf1 baby boss is glowing 🫡🫧 liked by y/n_wolff

yourbsf my legs are dead because of you.

y/n_wolff not my fault you couldn't keep up 😒

user44 need to know where you got that top!

y/n_wolff its actually a dress and i made both of the flower and lemon one myself!

user16 i wonder how toto feels ab this

user19 he was asked during an interview and was hesitant, but supportive !!

charles_leclerc holy 🥴 liked by y/n_wolff

lewishamilton you're in monaco and you dont even stop and say hi? smh 😒

y/n_wolff I AM SORRY BLAME CHARLES

charles_leclerc WHY ARE YOU DRAGGING ME INTO THIS?

y/n_wolff BECAUSE ITS YOUR FAULT?

lewishamilton i was kidding 😀

charles_leclerc has added to their story!

caption: i can't even be mad 😔 y/n_wolff

lewishamilton has added to their story!

caption: apology accepted ✅ y/n_wolff

─ TWITTER ↴

─ INSTAGRAM ↴

y/n_wolff has reposted a story!

caption: she's in the zone dnd 💆🏻‍♀️🌙 y/n_wolff

y/n_wolff

📍vienna, austria

liked by charles_leclerc, lewishamilton, susie_wolff, francisca.cgomes and 987,540 others

y/n_wolff ladies and gentleman... your 2024 white swan!!

it is such an honor to be awarded this role. ever since i was a kid and saw my first performance of swan lake, i fell in love. from that moment, i knew i wanted to be odette. this is truly a dream come true.

i would like to thank the wienerstaatsballet for such a wonderful opportunity and trusting me with such an important role. along with my amazing parents, toto & susie_wolff, and my wonderful boyfriend charles_leclerc. you have all shown me such support and love, i couldn't have done this without any of you.

(p.s. see the link in bio for showings 😉)

view 23,517 comments

user16 she is so unbelievably pretty

mickschumacher woohoo!! you go y/n!

y/n_wolff thank you mickyyy

user8 CONGRATS Y/N! liked by y/n_wolff

charles_leclerc so happy for you mon cynge 🫀 (my swan)

lewishamilton congratulations y/n! i remember watching you as a young girl just starting out, this is such a wonderful achievement, you deserve it more than anyone 🖤

y/n_wolff thank you so much lew 🥹💞

user5 they're so sibling coded 💔

mercedesamgf1 woohoo! congrats baby boss 🥳🙌🏻

y/n_wolff thank u admin 🥰

charles_leclerc when you called me to say you got the part, pride flooded my senses. i know how much this part means to you, etoile. i am so happy for you, je t’aime plus que tout ❤️ (star, i love you more than anything)

y/n_wolff i love you so much, mon coeur 💌

yourbsf the best to do it ❣️🦢 liked by y/n_wolff

yourballetfriend happy for u y/n 🙂

user77 she doesn't seem happy...

user44 i wouldn't blame her 🤷🏾‍♀️

user2 yeah but ballet is competitive it's part of the sport

susie_wolff Ich bin so stolz auf dich, Y/N. Worte können meinen Stolz nicht ausdrücken. Es ist mir eine Ehre, dich meine Tochter nennen zu dürfen (i am so proud of you, y/n. words cannot express my pride. i am honored to call you my daughter)

y/n_wolff hör auf, mama, ich werde weinen, ich liebe dich so sehr (stop mama, i'm going to cry, i love you so much)

francisca.cgomes my fave ballerina 🩰✨ liked by y/n_wolff

scuderiaferrari 🩰🏎️ liked by y/n_wolff

user10 i am so normal about this (i am so insanely happy for her)

─ TWITTER ↴

─ INSTAGRAM ↴

toto_wolff

liked by y/n_wolff, lewishamilton, susie_wolff, charles_leclerc and 2,836,123 others

tagged: y/n_wolff

toto_wolff Congratulations to my wonderful daughter, Y/N. Ich bin so stolz auf dich, meine Blume. Zu sehen, wie du zu dem heranwächst, was du jetzt bist, war so ein Segen. Ich fühle mich geehrt, dein Vater zu sein. Mach weiterhin großartige Dinge, ich liebe dich. (I'm so proud of you, my flower. Seeing you grow into what you are now has been such a blessing. I am honored to be your father. Keep doing great things, I love you.)

view 959,237 comments

user71 THE STREETS WERE RIGHT!!

user50 this is so sweet oh my god

user9 oh to have a dad like toto wolff

y/n_wolff oh papa, ich liebe dich so sehr. Ich hätte mir keinen besseren vater wünschen können, ich danke dem universum jeden Tag dafür, dass ich gesegnet genug bin, dich als meinen vater zu haben. danke, dass du immer für mich da bist 😭❤️ (oh papa, i love you so much. i couldn't have asked for a better father, i thank the universe everyday for being blessed enough to have you as my dad. thank you for always being there for me)

user11 i want what they have 🥲

susie_wolff Unsere wundervolle Tochter (our wonderful daughter)

lewishamilton What a star🌟!

user14 crying in daddy issues

christianhorner Congratulations, Wolff. You have raised a wonderful daughter.

toto_wolff Thank you, Horner.

user88 the passive aggression

user51 the girls are fighting

mercedesamgf1 Boss man making us cry 🫡

charles_leclerc it is such an honor to be dating your daughter, toto

toto_wolff Couldn't have asked for anyone better.

y/n_wolff does this mean that you will let him win, papa?

toto_wolff No.

*comments under this post have been limited*

whoop! another fic done 🥳this was super fun to write, i loved looking for pictures, especially the toto-baby reader one 💔 not a lot of toto content... oh well. i am thinking of making a taglist, so let me know if you would like to be on it! also, hope i made it clear enough that toto does not know how to use instagram, and reader had to help him with making a post/comment. he doesn't know how like comments yet. thank you for reading! as usual, requests and feedback are welcome. make sure to leave a comment and kudos! (only if you want :P)

[landorris]

popular | lando norris x fem! reader

summary; who says instagram models don’t know a thing about f1?

fc; darianka sanchez

warnings; english is not my first language, this is my firts ever smau

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

yourusername

liked by friendsuser, danielricciardo and others

yourusername: back in ny for a bit ⭐️💋

user1: she’s so mother

frienduser: come home i miss you😕😕

yourusername: ik i miss you too, it’s just for this week 😖💞

user2: who is she and why is daniel in her likes?

user3: she’s an instagram model from australia, oscar and her have been following each other for years now but we don’t know if they’re friends

user4: isn’t she a bit young for danny?

view more comments

lando norris phone

your phone

lando norris had followed you on instagram

you followed lando norris on instagram

yourusername

liked by danielricciardo, lando norris and others

yourusername: finally home

user1: you’re so coquette coded

user2: lacy

user3: not lando joining

user4: lando norris what are you doing here?

user5: idk what they see in her

landonorris: you like bows?! i also like bows what a coincidence

yourusername: ahah so cool norriz

view more comments

danielricciardo

liked by yourusername, landonorris and others

danielricciardo: home race was alright 🦘

tagged: yourusername

yourusername: i’m so cool😎

danielricciardo: i got payed to post that photo

yourusername: all i see is lies👩🏽‍🦯

user1: MOTHER IN THE PADDOCK

user2: i want a win

user3: what is she doing here?

user4: i hate when f1 teams just invite this instagram models who know nothing about f1 instead of inviting people who actually like it

user5: right?! she probably doesn’t even know how many drivers are in f1

landonorris: good race mate🙂

danielricciardo: you two lando, wonder why🤭

user6: what is this supposed to mean?

view more comments

yourusername

liked by danielricciardo, frienduser and others

yourusername: damn i wish my dad taught me more about f1 🫤

tagged: aussiegrit

aussiegrit: damn you should’ve spent more time in the paddock with me

yourusername: yeah, it’s not like i went to ALL of your races

danielricciardo: now everyone knows im besties with your dad

yourusername: no you’re not

aussiegrit: come to dinner tonight daniel

danielricciardo: see!! i’m going mark 😁

user1: now i understand why is she so beautiful

user2: this explains a lot about her relationship with daniel

user3: OH SHE ATE THIS

landonorris: 😦

yourusername: what?

landonorris: text!

yourusername: kay

user4: not lando discovering with us😭😭

user5: she gagged that girl in daniel’s post

user6: i want your dad 🤭

view more comments

your phone

yourusername

liked by landonorris, danielricciardo and others

yourusername: last few days at home before japan

danielricciardo: you’re coming to japan?

yourusername: yeah! i got invited

danielricciardo: and why am i only hearing about this now?

yourusername: i only got the invite today

danielricciardo: he’s cooking 🧑🏽‍🍳

user1: who is stealing my gf?

user2: is it lando

user3: guys hear me out i think it’s lando

view more comments

lando.jpg

liked by yourusername, aussiegrit and others

lando.jpg: japan🇯🇵⭐️

user1: are they……soft launching?

danielricciardo: i wonder who it is on the second picture

user2: still don’t like her

user3: they think we don’t know 😂

user4: ladies we lost him

user5: he posted her, man is in love

view more comments

yourusername

liked by landonorris, danielricciardo and others

yourusername: i think i like japan

danielricciardo: i knew you would change your mind

user1: can he fight?

aussiegrit: have fun kiddo!

yourusername: i love you dad💞

user2: yeah it’s definitely her

user3: are they dating ?

landonorris: i think i really really like japan too

user4: never beating the norriz allegations

view more comments

[sh1nch1r0]

𝖐_𝖊𝖎𝖘𝖚𝖐𝖊 𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖊𝖉 𝖋𝖔𝖑𝖑𝖔𝖜𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖚

❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁

Baji x Reader

U have a crush on Baji and u find his insta stuff like that…

(ur best friend and u have matching insta names u are called Geto and ur Besties is Gojo)

❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁

„Do you think thats really him?“ u questione ur Best Friend.

„OMG just request himmm“she says annoyed and tries to take the perfect picture of her parfait.

„U can request him first then i do it“u plead.

„No,thats against the girls girl code“she says and smiles at you.

„Fine…but if anything goes wrong i blame u“u add.

❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁

U make ur way home from ur meet up.

Ur headphones were on and u were listening to ur Favorite Playlist as u heard a notification trough ur ear buds.

•K_eisuke accepted ur request

U clicked at the Banner and his instagram Account pops up.

He has a couple of pictures of cats and his friends in his feed and two story highlights.U look at the highlights they were nothing special either cats or some pictures of his friends with bikes.

❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁

„Did u follow her back???“ Chifuyu asks.

„NO.“ Baji says and looks at the Blonde.

„Whyyyy…..u i tought u like her“he says confused amd Baji gives him a annoyed look.

„Fuyu,shut it…..shes ugly and not my type“the black haired says and looks away.

„HUH do u listen to urself man?“his friend questions him.

„At first u cant stop speaking about her and now u call her ugly…Baji….are u sick?“ this earns him a gentle punch from Baji and so he shuts up.

❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁

It was 00:56 and u were scrooling trough instagram,as u refresh the site u see Baji posted a story.

•K_eisuke mentioned draken_,the.realmikey,and fuyu.matsuno in his story

u click the like button and u see another notification pop onto ur screen.Ur friend mentioned u in her story twice.

•g0joo. has mentioned you in her Story

•Caption:@Get_0 always asleep🫡😀

•U reposted this Story

•U added the Caption 🫥🥱🖕🏻

U swipe to the Second story of her and u see a picture of urself.

•g0joo. has mentioned u in her story

•Caption @Get_0 „DELETE IT I LOOK UGLYYYY“

•U reposted the Story

•Caption DELETE THAT 👽🥹😀

And with that u turn or phone off,u plug in the charger and u get out of bed to do ur skincare,as u return u see a new notification on ur screen.

•K_eisuke has requested to follow you

•U accepted his follow request

❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁

„Watcha Lookin at“Baji screams at Chifuyu as they wait for the Traffic light to turn green.

„Just looking at her Insatgram Account“Chifuyu says louder so Baji could hear him over the roaring of the Engined.

„Lemme see“he says and tries to catch a glimpse.

„Follow her yourself u prick“Chifuyu answeres.

Baji just rolls his eyes takes out his phone and clicks on the follow back button on your profile.As he puts his phone back into his pocket the traffic light turns green.

❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁

The Night Air was cold and u couldn’t sleep so u stalk his instagram posts and the newest one catches ur eye.

•K_eisuke has mentioned fuyu.matsuno

•Caption 🐈‍⬛Pussy

•fuyu.matsuno has commented When will u get Real Pussy?!

•U liked fuyu.matunos comment

The picture of him was hot,Baji was quiet popular amongst girls but u heard that only a few ladies were accepted in his Instagram Account.

And u are one of them.👹

❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁

•Get_0 posted and mentioned g0joo.

•Caption My Personal Sleep Paralysis Demon🥹😬

•g0joo commented 😀do i need to save u

•fuyu matsuno liked this post

•k_eisuke liked this post

•k_eisuke commented Did u try giving him ur soul?🐈‍⬛

„See u have a crush on her“Fuyu says beside him

„I do…fuck.“he says quietly.

„Talk to her or text her“the dumb blonde suggests.

„Type Hey or…no type Did u get rid of ur Sleep paralysis demon?…text that“ Baji hates when his Friend tries to set him up but this time he follows his idea.

❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁

•One unread message for get_0

K_eisuke: Did u get rid of ur Sleep paralysis demon?

get_0:Sadly yes he jumped of my bed and left😔

K_eisuke:Thats Bad i am on my way to ur house to save u,is the Demon still in ur house?

get_0:Yes hes making noise in the Hallway

K_eisuke:Will save u:)

get_0:🥹💕

K_eisuke:🩷

2 Minutes pass

K_eisuke:I am outside.Wheres the Demon?

K_eisuke:I expect a Kiss in return for saving u💕😑

❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁•❁

[classiccowboy]

instagram j.b.

summary: follow along with joe and his WIFE evie as they go through his football career.

*face claim is yasmin quintana*

series masterlist.

liked by bengals, joeyb_9, and 983,729 others…

evie: honeymoon avenue.

view all 4,738 comments…

user: i love you guys together!

> evie: 💗💗

user: am i the only one that doesn’t like her?

> millyg: it’s the jealousy in you.

> user: i don’t see how anyone can’t like her, she’s so nice!

user: yikes

joeyb_9: no complaints, probably the best avenue out there.

> evie: thanks for your input, i totally agree.

> millyg: gtfo you guys 🤣

joeyb_9

liked by evie, lahjay10_, and 902,519 others

joeyb_9: we will send a post card.

view all 5,739 comments…

user: nooooo that’s two times in a row he’s posted ev

> user: they are literally married now, she’s not going anywhere.

user: in his *husband* era

user: i can’t stomach this

millyg: still mad i got left at home.

> user: i don’t like them together, im not jealous or anything something just feels off.

> user: i think that means your jealous.

evie: the views were 10/10

> joeyb_9: i was only looking at you.

> lahjay10_: 🧀🧀🧀

evie

liked by joeyb_9, millyg, and 810,826 others

evie: some small things…🤍

view all 3,738 comments…

user: i’m SO single

user: she doesn’t have to rub it in

user: NOT THE PRETTY GIRL. ladies he is everything..

user: if he wanted to he would

millyg: not joes failed cursive attempt

> evie: it wasn’t TERRIBLE 🤣

user: being with joe burrow is this girls whole personality

joeyb_9: the prettiest pretty girl.

> evie: 😭💗

user: so when are we expecting the divorce?

user: take notes fellas

user: joe and ev being so taylor coded makes me sick

> evie: swifties are superior, even if jb likes to pretend he isn’t one.

joeyb_9

liked by obj, evie, and 1,785,002 others

joeyb_9: had the basketball versus football convo too many times

view all 2,372 comments…

user: low key forgot you weren’t just some guy from cincinnati

> evie: THE guy from cincinnati

obj: Da boyyyyyyyy

user: tough. basketball tho

> evie: wrong answer. 😭

user: Joey B is A list now

evie: it was so nice of you to take photos with a few fans today.

> joeyb_9: 😎

> user: ev is coming for those opps

user: not him hanging with obj

user: such a weeb

evie

liked by millyg, joeyb_9, and 1,037,927 others

evie: went to something called a white party?

view all 2,801 comments…

user: you win

user: he actually took you with him?

> evie: i actually got invited to come with him.

> user: standing on business.

user: YOU MISSED TAYLOR FOR THIS?????

> evie: marriage is about sacrifice.

joeyb_9: 🥵🥵🥵

user: this is everything

user: that joe pic is my new background thanks

> evie: charity work is my passion.

user: i keep coming back to look at this post

user: second pic sent me into cardiac arrest.

> evie: you should’ve seen it in person.

joeyb_9

liked by bengals, lahjay10_, and 710,991 others

joeyb_9: “It’s time to go mobile.”

view all 3,729 comments…

user: YESSIR

lahjay10_: My step brother

> evie: hell yeah

user: do you want my mobile phone number

> evie: he doesn’t have a mobile phone.

> user: you are so funny mrs. burrow. 🤣💀

> user: why are you always so rude?

> user: she isn’t rude, but she’s always going to let us know that’s her man. don’t play like you wouldn’t do the same thing if random girls were coming at your bf with this kind of shit.

> user: i agree, she isn’t being rude but she’s never really let people show blatant disrespect for their relationship. even when they were in college.

tylerboyd: levels

> evie: BIG LEVELS

evie: you’re so hot. there is said it.

joeyb_9: 🪞

user: return of shiesty

user: YEAH BABYYYY

evie

liked by bengals, lahjay10_, and 810,003 others

evie: volume 4. 🤍🧡🖤

view all 2,761 comments…

user: you’re special

user: do you ever get sick of having to pretend to be interested in football?

> evie: never pretending.

user: he needs a tall blonde that has a brain.

> evie: my masters in marketing is offended.

user: i’m so excited to see the team smash it this year!

joeyb_9: very big fan of this.

> evie: your sunnies really tie it together.

> user: not you sharing sunnies. 😭

user: i love ev truly, but im also jealous of her.

> evie: i’m not sure what to say here. 🤣💗

joeyb_9

liked by evie, bengals, and 789,524 others

joeyb_9: Mask off.

view all 2,751 comments…

user: clothes off

> evie: the clothes will stay on. (for now) 🤪

user: Burrow is back!

user: solid W

evie: put the mask back on, i can’t think straight.

> joeyb_9: keep it on all night?

> user: i wish i could unsee this

> user: joe. please. this has to stop.

user: i’ll never quit you.

evie’s instagram stories:

a/n: hiiii. i’m going to finish this series up in the next post so i can work on some of the other requests i have. if you guys are interested in me continuing it once the new season starts let me know and i’ll see what i can do. thanks for all the love on this, you guys rock. and as always im taking request so if you have an idea i’d love to hear it.

[agendabymooner]

stop the world i wanna get off with you ! kimi r. x ofc (coppola!ofc)

“with the exception of you, i dislike everyone in the room.”

summary: vera jones ‘coppa’ coppola-raikkonen happens to be one of the three original it girls of formula one. funnily enough, she’s also the one to give birth to the loudest/messiest versions of the iceman as she continues her journey as a mother and a wife (all while she’s a director of the most iconic movies to have existed).

content warning: fictional raikkonen kids, mentions of breakups, mentions of tilly hearth and trish alonso (ofc) use of explicit language, family banters in social media

note: i know i have the most random selection of drivers on my masterlist but i swear i’m just tryna indulge in my lil bubble of happiness.

masterlist

tagged romaraikkonen, kimimatiasraikkonen

liked by arthurleclerc, olliebearman, charles_leclerc

user1 icegirl on fire as always 🧊🔥

user2 real hot girl shit of you roma 😩

arthurleclerc aroma, you’re supporting the wrong leclerc 😀 liked by veracopparaikko

romaraikkonen i can tell you that my shirts are nothing of an inchident. trust. liked by veracopparaikko

charles_leclerc i cannot believe i am being picked on by my favourite icegirl 😠

romaraikkonen hardly picking on you when i got ur name and face on my shirts??? smh i didn’t ask mum to get them for me to get called a h8r

rooraikkonen cool story maniac, can you run over jolauriraikkonen next?

romaraikkonen i’ll start with you first then i go target johann next, yes?

jolauriraikkonen what did i do??? i didn’t leave your pc plugged in, akka rooraikkonen witch

veracopparaikko kimimatiasraikkonen your kids are at it again, kimi.

kimimatiasraikkonen not my problem

veracopparaikko 😠

jolauriraikkonen it’s okie mum i’ll make sure dad sleeps on the couch tonight 😉

jolauriraikkonen dad did say 3 sprint races win = i get to go to the next three races too 😍 thank you for the team effort romaraikkonen liked by veracopparaikko

romaraikkonen omagaaaaa these are officially the worst races ever

ferraridriveracademy how are we going to put you two together in one room then?

romaraikkonen don’t.

jolauriraikkonen i’m gonna sob, this is a w for me

romaraikkonen what are you even doing up??? aren’t u like 14?

veracopparaikko question is: why are you even on your instagram? 🤨

jolauriraikkonen oh so when dad does it, it’s okay? he has to get up early too you know???

kimimatiasraikkonen please don’t involve me in this

user3 we love an unproblematic king 😭😭

user4 why are these kids so funny 🥲

kimimatiasraikkonen so proud of my girl 🧊❤️ liked by veracopparaikko

romaraikkonen like father like daughter 😉❤️🤝

tagged rooraikkonen, kimimatiasraikkonen

liked by landonorris, tillywolff, valterribottas

jolauriraikkonen 1/10. she looked more like the bottom of beetlejuice’s foot than the lady herself.

user1 naw johann-lauri got kimi’s humour for sure

rooraikkonen i’m gonna crash to your kart next time and you’re going to be crying to dad and dad will literally just laugh at you

kimimatiasraikkonen no, i won’t.

user2 LMFAO KIMI PLEASE

jolauriraikkonen hahahahahahaha cry

kimimatiasraikkonen second time this day, johann. next time i’m taking the switch. liked by veracopparaikko

user3 ruh-roh raikkonen is at it

jolauriraikkonen my bad g 🤝

kimimatiasraikkonen all good g 🤝

user4 a proof that johann is kimi-coded ^^

rooraikkonen thank you sooooo much mummy !!! i thought i was going to cry for a minute then i realized how much of a baddie my mummy-producer-writer-director is 😭😩 liked by veracopparaikko

veracopparaikko you fluster me, rooney tunes! ❤️

kimimatiasraikkonen your performance is very good, rooroo! henrik and betty were excited to see you on stage 😍 liked by veracopparaikko

rooraikkonen dad, betty-elina can barely hear from that headphones we got her.

rooraikkonen though i could hear henrik’s screaming during the intermission. 😂

rooraikkonen thank you daddy !! i’m glad i’m making the iceman proud 🧊💕 liked by veracopparaikko

tagged kimimatiasraikkonen, jolaurisraikkonen

liked by arthurleclerc, olliebearman, fernandoalo_oficial

jolauriraikkonen y’all cannot one up my mother because her resume is long as heck. she’s: mother, director, writer, actor, producer, photographer 😎 liked by veracopparaikko

jolauriraikkonen look at me and the boys though 😎

user1 you’re the coolest brother ever

rooraikkonen bc he’s the only brother henrik got 😂😂😂

user2 iceman and his iceboys and his ice cream

user3 too cold in here lads 🥶

romaraikkonen look at my cool lil man and dad 😍 oh and johann liked by veracopparaikko

jolauriraikkonen count ur days bestie

user4 where did the american-italian look go, vera?? 😭

rooraikkonen speaking on behalf of mum. the coppola genes had gone away as soon as romania came out, but uncle nicolas cage definitely did not leave

user4 subtle flex but okay pop off bestie 🔥

kimimatiasraikkonen such handsome boys liked by veracopparaikko

veracopparaikko i agree

romaraikkonen so do i

rooraikkonen me too

jolauriraikkonen i agree too

[the-most-humble-blog]

🛐 HEY LADIES, WANNA BE LESS THAN A 4 BUT STILL BE A PERFECT 10?

(Here's the cheat code you weren’t supposed to know.)

You wanna be a 10? Even if you’re not the prettiest? Even if you’re not the smartest? Even if you’re not some Barbie-ass genetic lottery ticket?

Good news.

It’s not the face. It’s not the dress. It’s not the filler in your lips.

It’s who you are when a man imagines life with you — and death around you.

🧠 The Secret Is Simple:

Be the woman a man would die protecting. Not because he has to. But because he wants to.

Not because he’s expected to. Not because society claps for it. Not because you demanded it with a PowerPoint presentation and a list of demands.

Because something in his ribs —older than speech, —older than poetry, —older than civilization itself

tells him:

"If she falls, the whole world falls with her."

📉 Real Talk:

You don’t get protected just because you exist. You don’t get loyalty just because you reposted feminism infographics.

Protection isn't a social program. It's a biological holy war.

🛡️ Here's How It Works:

If a man wants to die for you?

It’s because you represent something bigger than yourself.

It’s because you move like someone worth defending.

It’s because your existence feels sacred, not transactional.

You can be:

Less than a 4 in "hotness"

Mid in height, weight, whatever the hell else they grade women on

And still be a 10 in a man's war drum.

Because no makeup trick will ever outshine the woman whose soul makes him want to stand between her and the bullet without hesitation.

🔥 Brutal Self-Assessment:

📝 Ask yourself:

When you walk into a room, do good men square their shoulders without knowing why?

Do you radiate trust, loyalty, magnetism — or just neediness wrapped in Instagram quotes?

If the sky fell tomorrow, would anyone instinctively move to shield you — or step over you?

The answer is not aesthetic. It’s existential.

🧬 Biological Reality Check:

Beauty is what makes men look.

Sacredness is what makes men fight.

You don't need to win the genetic lottery.

You need to move like someone who knows:

"If I fall, something holy falls with me."

And the right man would rather rip the throat out of the universe than let that happen.

🤯 TL;DR

Pretty fades. Protection lasts.

Hotness is optional. Sacredness is mandatory.

Be a woman worth the war drums, not just the thirsty glances.

You don't need to be a 10 in selfies.

You need to be a 10 in survival instinct.

💣 CALL TO ACTION:

🔁 Reblog if you know the real rating scale is written in blood, not pixels. 🛡️ Save this post if you’re done chasing attention instead of commanding allegiance. 🔥 Send this to the woman who thinks "hot" is stronger than "holy." 💥 Bookmark it for the day you realize the real currency is loyalty, not likes.

⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This post is cultural commentary, psychosexual warfare disguised as literary performance art, and protected under the sacred right to remind you that survival beats social clout every goddamn time.

If you're offended: Good. You just met the part of yourself that wants to be worth dying for — and it’s hungry.

[katyakurae]

Oh, look! A masterpost!

Social media:

You can also find me in:

Writer Instagram: elv.gutierrez

Side-blog about videogame analysis: @queer-coded-videogames

AO3: katyakurae

Bluesky: katyakurae

ArtStation (for 3D art): elviragb

Hazbin fan comic: Bloom into my chest

Hazbin Fics:

Ongoing:

Inmaculate (19/?) [ESP] (Comes from this post)

Translation: The Deal (How to not make you smile) (15/27) [ENG]

More Hazbin (AppleRadio, let's be honest here) fanfics:

Embajadores Celestiales (23/23) [ESP]

Cómo (cazar) conquistar a un ciervo en cinco sencillos pasos (6/6) [ESP]

How to (hunt) charm a deer in five easy steps (6/6) [ENG]

Filtraciones (1/1) [ESP]

Leaks (1/1) [ENG]

Vestida para impresionar (1/1) (RadioRose) [ESP]

Dress to impress (1/1) (RadioRose) [ENG]

Cómo provocarle un ataque al corazón a Lucifer y otros planes malvados para un domingo por la noche (1/1) [ESP]

How to give Lucifer a heart attack and other evil plans for a Sunday evening (1/1) [ENG]

The Deal (how to not make you smile) (27/27) [ESP]

He pins you down on the carpet with angelic steel (1/1) [ESP]

He pins you down on the carpet with angelic steel (1/1) [ENG]

Smile, My Deer Café (2/2) [ESP]

Hazbin Tavern (a DnD AU) masterpost

What would happen if our favourite Hazbin Hotel characters live in a DnD world? Well this AU is all about that! You can find in the link above all the fanarts and character sheets I've done for the moment.

Hazbin Doodles and more!

All my silly messy drawings in a list I keep updated quite a lot :)

Hazbin fully rendered fanarts!

Cannbalism may be wrong, but it's tasty

Cozy Alastor

Destroy me (StaticRadio)

The Deal (5)

The Deal (15)

The Deal (16)

The Deal (17)

The Deal (18)

The Deal (26)

Meet my AppleRadio fankid: Rebeca Morningstar

Dress to impress [RadioRose comic]

Family portrait

Vampire x Eldritch

Apple Kiss

Bones (kinda)

Storm

Couples costume

Devil worship

Clown and make up

Persephone!Alastor

Hazbin Hotel x Hades

Fuck you

Angel!Alastor

Angel!Alastor (2)

Silly stickers

Blue Butterflies

Magical Deer Alastor

They're up to something ;)

9 months :)

Ladies (yuri RadioApple)

Injury (RadioRose)

Gift giving (RadioRose)

Trust (RadioRose)

Love Notes

Possessiveness

Confessions

Making chocolates

Under the stars

"Slow" dancing

First time

Outfit swap

Outfit swap 2

Kiss :)

Hot as a nun

Into your arms

Pretty snake

Battle angel Vaggie ⚔️🎀

Druid Alastor

Falling (catch me)

Falling Star

Corvin DTIYS

THE SUBSTANCE

Monster

Rest my legs on your shoulders

Smile, My Deer Café

Alastor Carpenter

I won't let the sun go down

[cmdrfupa]

Kento Nanami, His Royal Highness, has found himself curious about you. He refuses to call it infatuation because that's for people with no self control, something he has loads of. But social media is becoming increasingly less effective. He wants to experience you in the flesh and the perfect opportunity to meet you has landed in his lap. Now if you could always stay this close to him.

ModernRoyal!Nanami x PlusSize!Reader (black/woc coded but all can read and enjoy obvs 😗)

a/n: Congrats on 3k and Thank you @ayyy-pee for letting me participate the jujutsu journal event! I got carried away sksksksks. But I was inspired by this song . Idk what it was but it felt right. Anywho, I hope you enjoy!

WC: 3.4K

MDNI

c/w: partial smau, jealousy, sexual/provocative thoughts, stalker behavior, unhealthy infatuation and obsession, sexual acts, mentions of sex, italics aboose, internal dialogue, smut (vaginal fingering)

      He'd seen you in more and more of Gojos' IG posts over the last year, untagged. Assuming you were just a Gojo girl who wanted to be around for the perks of a wealthy socialite, He never asked to be introduced. But he did ask your name.

  A simple "Her face looks familiar" was all it took for Gojo to share not only your name and social media but also your profession, the university you were attending to get your degree, marital status, the name of your cat, and the fact that you lived in the US. Satoru loved to talk, thank goodness.

'Is that a Zenin? Tch'. A picture of you sitting in Naoya's lap, hand gripping your under thigh, sat on his dimmed screen. Maybe you had a reason for being seen with scumlike Naoya, but it wasn't a reason Kento wanted to know about. The following post was a brunch photo. A group of ladies with Gojo in the center. 'Keeping better friends. Smart girl.'. You were an enigma that brought him closer to the brink every time he saw your million-dollar smile.

His thoughts always started so pure before he thought about you in his bed, the strapless dress you wore in a photo captioned "Shawty got that dress on so the block is hot again" on his floor while at the same time, giving you the meanest strokes for teasing him this way. Thank heavens for the photos. Kento decided a throwaway Instagram account to like the posts and to look at your story would be brighter. Admiring more stealthily, he can at least fantasize about a life with you now that 'RateUp7_3' exists.

So put together. Every story or post included a bright smile or smolder in clothing that made him envy how they hugged your shape. Hair is always in its perfect, coiled natural state while you sit between Gojo and Geto or sit in their lap like some trophy. Satoru hugged you differently. Well. You were the only woman he seemed to hug in these photos. "Interesting," Nanami noted, something he should reanalyze when he has more time.

He pocketed his phone, realizing he had made it to his destination.

A small welcoming committee stood with broad smiles as they greeted HRH Crown Prince Kento. Bowing his head, taking the little book that was handed to him and began to look over the itinerary. "Busy week ahead! Your grandfather is waiting for you in Minato City." With that, his courtier, Ino, began to give him details for the coming week.

      Thanks to Gojo's extraordinary +1 privileges, you found yourself amid a private Gala he was obligated to attend. The champagne-colored satin gown, a cascade of elegance, draped your figure, accentuating the rich hues of your skin. A sight that could only be described as divine.

He broke off after briefly greeting Gojo, Geto, and others you weren't familiar with. He made his way to you near the bar, Easily making it seem like he was making his rounds to guests.

  "Good evening"

"Hello! You're Satoru and Suguru's' friend, right?" you inquired.

"I wouldn't say friend to Gojo. He's more like a gift with a purchase. But yes, I'm Ken."

  Giggles turned into a laugh once you both looked back over at Gojo, eating mini cupcakes, and Geto looking at him with concern.

Your laugh. It was the sounds of the heavens welcoming him to the golden throne. You snorted, and the resolve Kento had was officially withering.

"He's an interesting guy. I met him at a show I walked in a little over a year ago. Before that, he slid into my DMs and even sent me a pie to get my attention."

Kento didn’t think he could be jealous. That's for people who weren't self-assured. And he was very, very sure. Yeah, he's a man, but he's very strong-willed. No no. Not jealous. But this whole pie thing-

"Did it work?" Abruptly speaking. "The pie, I mean."

"Well, I'm talking to you right now. So what do you think?"

Kento exhaled a laugh, pushing back a strand of hair before looking over to you.

"He is a friend. A very good one. Always reliable"

"I've seen him in his element. He is indeed." sipping your cocktail, looking at him as you do.

"You mentioned walking in a show. Are you a model?" if you wanted to lie, it would've been a shame. He's already gone to see that your latest Savage Fenty ambassador collab dropped two days before you arrived in Japan. You looked ravishing in that fervently floral number.

"I am. I primarily work with small houses and on-the-rise designers. But that's how Satoru and I met. He was a guest model for FroviàGalón last season. It was a big hit. We've been working most shows together ever since."

This man could have any woman he wanted; He was Nanami family royalty. Handsome, smooth without even trying. He could buy a country with the proper connection if it mattered. But Gojo sending you a pie and practically being your purse dog makes him feel something. He was feeling jealous over a stupid pie and that white-haired imbecile. The slow unraveling because you snorted and the image of you spreading to show your glistening, plump, wet-

"The boy just loves to be in people's faces. He's one of the girls when we're out, so it's always a good time". Jealousy piques his nerves, and he notices your eyes trailing back to Gojo and Geto.

"He does enjoy good times."

"Speaking of, you plan on going to his after-party?" Innocence in your tone.

"After party? Of course, he finds that fitting for after a Gala."

His gaze lingered on your mouth, licking the remnants of the salted rim as you held the glass close to your body. The perfect honey-hued gloss with a hint of a shimmer. ’Her lips trailing down my chest, tongue lightly leaving a wet trail before swirling over my nip-‘

"You should come! I don't do parties, but since I'm on holiday, why not enjoy it?" the silky pep in your voice was going to be the death of him.

"I will consider it."

Get it together, Nanami.

Before he could offer to get you a drink, an older gentleman who looked very similar to Kento waved in his direction.

"I have to get going, unfortunately. But it was a pleasure meeting you. I.. don't know your name."

You tell him, smiling and holding your hand out.

"It was a pleasure to meet you as well, Ken. Hope to see you later tonight." He kissed your hand before walking off.

"Oh! And Bavarian cream."

"I'm sorry?" Confused, Kento turned back to you slightly.

"For the pie. I like Bavarian cream pie."

He smiled, turning away. "Fucks sake." He huffed, and his waistband was doing more work than anticipated tonight.

You made your way to the elevators, Gojo and Geto catching up as Geto wrapped his arm around your waist, pecking your cheek.

Kento watched you intently as he stood with his family. Saying goodbye to other guests was the least of his concerns when the swaying of your body had his mind completely occupied. Getos arm causing a severe problem for him as it sat right at your ass.

5… 4… 3… breathe Kento

He continued to make small talk with the guest, smiling as you three got into the elevator, doors closing, and his heart racing.

  It was like Gojo needed to learn how to have a small party. His penthouse, one of many, was now an entire club. A spacious dance floor, an open bar, and a dessert bar because that man wasn't touching a drop of alcohol. But a slice of Black Forest cake? Different story.

With an area roped off, you headed through the crowded floor in that direction.

  "There's my girl!" Shoko stood first, taking the cigarette out of her mouth before hugging you tightly. "How are you, doll face?"

"Better now that I've seen you, babe."

“I'm glad you decided to show up over an hour late." Gojo chimed in, an overdramatized look of annoyance on his face while pulling you to sit beside him.

"Toru. You know me. I'm not wearing the same fit to an after-party, bookie. Your girl had to get cute and comfortable."

"And a pair of Versace platforms is comfortable?" Geto questioned, sass embedded in his tone with a smirk.

"Exactly. I knew you'd get it, SuguPoo." the group laughed.

"Suguru, she's a Versace and Moschino model now. Those platforms are nothing", Satoru closed in, a cheeky smile spreading across his face as he handed you a drink.

Your cheeks got warmer as he mentioned your latest gig. You had officially made your mark. You were now standing as one of the few black curve models to walk one of the major fashion houses, getting the gig with pure talent. "Oh, baby. The way I wasn't expecting to hear back after my little rant about fashion house politics. But who could say no to this body?" You ran your hands down your hips and lightly smacked your rear, pulling playful howls from Shoko and Gojo while Geto laughed, shaking his head at your antics.

"Come on, let's give our faves show. I've missed you!" Gojo grabbed your hand, leading you to the dance floor. Shoko and Geto sat back to watch with their drinks in hand.

Kento watched and waited until you left the area, hands finally relieved of the clammy feeling they had for the last hour. Trying to restrain the hard-on you gave him once he saw the tight dress you changed into, he slipped into the bathroom to wait you out.

Nanami joined them the moment you left the section.

"Where've you been?" Shoko questioned harmlessly.

"Was just talking with some old acquaintances. I was trying to get back to you guys."

"Your detail giving you some breathing room tonight?" Geto pointed with his chin to the security guard he was used to seeing with Nanami, in far less inconspicuous attire than usual.

"You could say that. Didn't want to kill the mood."

    It was as if the music slowed when Kento's gaze approached you. The dance floor was packed, but he knew where you were—dancing with Satoru, who he wished to flick away so you could be all over him instead.

The way your body was swaying, generous ass moving against Gojo to a very poor mix of Pour It Up by Rihanna. You made it worth sitting through an awful set if it meant seeing how you grind on literally anything. The short, amber-colored dress showed the ample flesh he felt so desperate to grip onto. ' If you could just sit in my lap so I could hold you up as I give you every fucking inch of me.’

"I'm gonna step out for some air." Kento stood up, grabbing his gin and tonic, not looking back to see if Geto or Shoko heard him.

  Outside, he leaned against the railing. The late-night weather was welcoming. The faint almond scent from the trees wafted past his nostrils pleasantly. Closing his eyes, he sighed deeply, leaning into the comfortable breeze against his skin.

Every bit of contact he'd had with you that day felt like a tiny gesture of sweet love. How your supple skin felt under his lips when he kissed your hand. Your laughter was a healing potion. He left the comfort of his estate to see a woman who made him weak just by snorting. You were the beautiful, intelligent woman who was friends with Gojo and Geto. Under 6 hours of finally experiencing your perfection in person without a barrier and he couldn't fucking breathe without his constricted dick throbbing. So many people had access to you and he wanted to know you better than they did. He wanted to be to only one with that access. You were a need. Needing you beside him, on top of him, under him, “I want to hear you same my name while I sing yours like a praise to the heavens. My angel. My everything”

    He brings the glass to his mouth, finishing the watered-down gin drink.

The sound of heels approaching brought him back to earth. "Having fun?" His angel came into view as he opened his eyes.

"More or less. It seems like you're having a blast." The shimmer of your lip gloss kept his eyes on your lips longer than he intended.

"For sure. Satoru is always my dance partner when we're out together."

"That happens often?"

"Eh. When I'm visiting here, only when Suguru doesn't feel like it. So very often."

Kento offered the space next to him as you both snickered. Standing by him, he finally saw your beauty under the moonlight. Everything about you was like an awakening. Flawless, gentle, soft.

A few moments of silence passed before you spoke. "You know, you should do a better job of staring from across the room if you were trying to be lowkey."

Your words stun him, a nervous laugh leaving his mouth as he stands up straight.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable by any means."

"I'm not uncomfortable. I wouldn't have come out here if I was."

Relief shows as the wrinkles in his forehead relax. "Was it really that obvious?"

"Maybe I'm delusional, but your eyes followed me most of the night."

"Not delusional. But, to be clear. I find you incredibly attractive."

Your cheeks were now warming as his brown eyes looked for yours. "I'm flattered.”

"Can I buy you a drink? Preferably at a quieter locale?"

"Are you asking me out, Ken?"

"I wouldn't subject you to a drink as a first date."

Your smile glowed a bit more as he placed his hand on your lower back, making your way to the closest exit with him.

"We can discuss a proper date during the drinks. I am a gentleman, after all."

"Show me the way then, Ken."

"So hotel stays are your usual choice when you're here?"

Trying to keep your balance, you wrapped yourself around Kento's arm while you walked down the corridor from the bar.

“50/50. I grab a hotel if I get in too late or stay at one of Toru's places if I tell him in time. I'll be doing that in the morning once I check out."

'Toru? We will have to talk about these nicknames.'

"Well, I hope I was pleasant enough company this evening."

"You're fun, Ken," your voice echoed as you approached the elevators. "You are quite the man, and I had a great time getting to know you."

"It's been my pleasure. You are captivating and have my attention." The energy was refreshing for you both. He wasn't another menace from your DMs. A philanthropist finance guy was rare—a gentleman with a gentle disposition.

You stopped, going to balance against the wall, bending over to take off your heels.

"Here, let me."

"It's alright, I got it." you persisted, with no progress.

"Darling, you're missing the strap of the heel. I insist." You giggled and watched as he bent down on one knee to unfasten the dainty strap, removing the heels from your feet as you held onto his shoulders for support. A heat rushed to your ears as you felt how delicate he was being with you.

"Ken, you are indeed a godsend."

Nanami carried your shoes as he led you into the elevator, holding it open. "Which floor are you on?"

“30th,”

He hit the floor number and went to lean against the back wall. You stood in front of him, eyes on his exposed collarbone.

Noticing your unsteadiness, he stepped forward and carefully placed his hands above your waist.

"Easy. You okay?"

With your heart racing at 1000 miles an hour, you could only nod.

* Floor 4*

You leaned forward, placing your hand on his chest to steady yourself. Cedarwood and alcohol on his breath. Your eyes met his with a shared feverish desire as you peered up. You were buzzing now from the proximity.

*Floor 9*

You don't know how your hand went from his chest to gripping his neck, nails running through his undercut, but it happened before you got to floor 20, where he stopped the elevator.

"Ken.. please,"

His large hands gripped your thighs, lifting one of your legs to wrap around him. Your dress was already short, now hiking up as he pressed his thick bulge into your inner thighs.

"Please.. please say my name again." He grinds himself into you, pang of desire in his voice, breath tickling your ear as you wriggle your hand between you both to unbutton his shirt from the top.

"Ken. Nngh, shit. Ken.. I need you."

Lips finding purchase on your neck, nipping at any skin he could sink his teeth into. The pads of his fingers run down your panty-covered slit. A shiver went through you as he circled at your throbbing bundle of nerves.

"Fuck! Please, Ken."

"Please, what, darling? Use your words for me." His voice grew gruff as he felt you trying to grind against him.

"Please make me cum for you,"

“You want to make a mess for me. You want to be a slut in this elevator?” The patronizing voice made you whimper as the sound of Kento ripping your thin panties jilted you, his middle finger sinking into you deeply. A deep moan was all you could muster as his thick digit pumped into you, nails leaving crescents on his shoulders as he kept you pressed against the elevator wall. "Keeennnn. Fuck”

"All that for me, princess? Your cunt this wet all for me?" He curled his thick finger inside, finding that soft, sweet spot that made your knees buckle. "Looking at my hands while I drove. Playing innocently with them while you sat beside me in the booth." Talking through his teeth, he brought his weight against you, keeping you up as he aimed to make you beg before the elevator automatically began to move again. "beautiful, plump cunt was begging to have my fingers fill you. Is this it? Hm? Is this what my princess needed?"

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, yes! P-please don’t stop." You were desperate for release. The sloppy noises of your wet cunt filled the elevator as he relished in the slippery sensation. Brushing his lips to yours, Kento languidly slid his tongue inside your mouth, rolling them his tongue over yours while his grunts grew louder—a string of saliva connected you, a shared fervid look as the elevator dinged.

His hand was soaked, but he couldn't let this be where he gave you an orgasm for the first time. Letting your leg down, he brought his hand to your mouth, running his fingers covered in your essence on your lips.

"When we get to your room, you are mine. All of you." The hungry determination in his eye didn’t leave room for question; you were to be devoured.

The sun was like a death ray as the bright rays and the constant buzzing nearby awakened you.

"Ken," you rolled over to see him lying on his back, bite marks and glitter across his chest.

"Mm," his groggy tone, letting you know he was only halfway listening.

"Ken. Please get your phone. That shit is going nonstop."

"Sorry, angel"

He groaned as he moved, kissing your shoulder gently. You kissed his lips as he reached over you to the bedside table. The vibrations didn't seem to have an end in sight.

"No one should need me this early. I should have an open schedule."

Opening the first text in his sights, he begins to read, stomach sinking as he clicks the link Gojo sent.

"Ken, you okay? "

Nanami sat his phone down, trying to keep his composure. He knew he had to prepare you for the whirlwind of a nightmare that was to come. For you, at least. He didn't have to take the drastic measures he originally planned to have you, at least.

This may be good. No more admiring outside of your photo shoots. No more trips with just Satoru and Suguru to islands. He would be your comfort; you'd be by his side only. This incident could be the beginning of a whirlwind romance. That is different from how he would've done things. But he could soothe this over eventually.

"Before I say anything, just know I will do everything possible to keep you comfortable. Okay?" the sincerity in his eyes had you. You nodded as you looked down at his phone, eyes widening as you read the now-trending story.

“Kento? What the fuck is this? Prince!?”

thanks to the lovely @/saradika for the dividers <3

banner featuring art from @/narutoss_ramen! please go check them out!

Thank you for reading! <3

[abstrusearchive]

Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - The Full Thing

[I've made it in segments beforehands, if you're interested in less compact form; I'll link them in segment titles]

.

The Pastor

[After some flashback montage and the intro]

(Josh is playing church music as Ian walks up onto the podium)

The Pastor: (To Josh) Thank you.

The Pastor: (towards audience) Hello my children, I’m pastor Ian. I’m your ordaine host, walking you through the roast (gestures towards Anthony) of Anthony Padilla.

The Pastor: Alongside me are several spirits, be they friends, foes, or work-mandated acquaintances - *ekhm* Arasha *ekhm*.

The Pastor: And since I know him the best, according to public record, I’m here to kick things off.

The Pastor: So, I asked the ChatGPT to write an obituary for me, for Anthony, and all it said back was “Finally.”, so I had to write one on my own.

The Pastor: So, here we go!

The Pastor: Born September 16th, 1987, Virgo sun, Cancer moon, Fuckboy rising… Anthony was born in Sacramento, California, which is like if a stock photo had a hairworm problem.

The Pastor: Anthony will live on partially through the YouTube videos he's made, but mostly through the Angry Birds movie and the sequel Angry Birds movie, "the Angry Birds movie: let's make it worse by not casting Ian."

The Pastor: He built Smosh from the ground up, learning coding before it was cool, which is actually pretty funny because, you know, coding’s already deeply uncool. Yeah…

The Pastor: (looks directly at the camera) Oh, I’m sorry, did I piss you off, nerds? Here’s some ones for you, zeroes! (flips the camera off with both hands)

The Pastor: Fuckin’ got’em. Got’em! …

The Pastor: *sigh* It’s so dumb…

The Pastor: After working many years here at Smosh, he decided to pursue making unwatchable content on his own. And, it was so inspiring that Smosh decided to do the same.

The Pastor: The Washington Post described Anthony as “YouTube’s Interview King”, which is kind of like YouTube calling Rhett & Link the Kings of Original Content, which is…-

The Pastor: Oh sorry. By the way, Rhett & Link will be here but currently they’re shooting their magnum opus - Rating Rhett’s Holes.

The Pastor: So, Anthony is known for some famous quotes, such as: “Life’s not that hard, just be hot”, or “Sorry, I can’t come to your party - I’m gonna be tired that day”, and my favourite quote, “Girlfriends won’t be mad if you just tell them you’re working”

The Pastor: Now… One of his main frustrations, back in the day, was that the audience perceived him as “The Hot One” and me as “The Funny One”. So, when Anthony finally went on his own, the audience was finally able to see the kind of comedy that Anthony could bring on his own. And to the audience’s surprise, for once, they were actually right.

The Pastor: But really, it’s so nice seeing so many of his friends here. It’s just too bad he wasn’t alive to see this. Because, as we all know, Anthony is very good at taking a joke and totally cool about getting criticized.

The Pastor: I mean… Honestly though, the fact that he agreed to do this confuses me more than Brendon Rogers’ continued success.

The Pastor: So, in conclusion, I’d love to tell you the rules that Anthony lived by, he referred to it as his five commandments - he would’ve wrote ten but, being mid is just what he does.

The Pastor: So, here’s his first commandment: “One - Thou shalt not leave any finger unringed and any ring unfingered”

The Pastor: “Two - Thou shalt not do yoga in your underwear, unless you’re filming it for Instagram”

The Pastor: (turns towards Anthony) Seriously dude, people don’t need to see your hoggin’ downward dog, alright? (turns towards audience) Am I right ladies?

The Pastor: “Three - Thou shalt tattoo the word “inhale” on thy neck to remind thyselves to breathe every time you’re looking at your neck”, and, I don’t get it, ‘cause you can’t actually see the “inhale”, like the only way that you can see it is if you’re looking into mirror so it’s backwards, so it’s “elahni”? I don’t get it, it’s weird.

The Pastor: Anyway, “Four - Thou shalt not change your favourite movie, Home Alone 2, even though Donald Trump is in it”

The Pastor: And finally “Five - thou shalt focus on work so thou don’t have to deal with thy problems, but when work becomes a problem, thou shall focus on making videos of thou doing yoga in thy underwear and posting it on thous Instagram”!

The Pastor: ... Anyway (puts his hands in praying gesture) peace be with you, let’s make it a funeral to be remembered, yes!? (spreads his arms)

The Pastor: Alright… Alright. Now, let’s hear from our first guest of the night. Is she funny? Let me just say, Mexican salsa, yes she is. It’s The Fortune Teller.

.

The Fortune Teller

(Amanda walks up to the podium. She looks down, then startles and looks back up)

The Fortune Teller: (Looking at Anthony) Hello! Hi! Greetings! Hi!

The Fortune Teller: I’m Angelica Angela LaCroix. I am a medium, but at the Atlantic City T-shirt Shop I’m an (?) and I don’t understand it. It’s insane, yes it’s weird, their sizes are weird.

The Fortune Teller: I’m here to deliver messages to (gestures towards Anthony) this boy. This wonderful, beautiful, handsome little boy-boy, this little boy, who grabbed a bunch of lipsticks to contour all over and called them tattoos.

The Fortune Teller: I have the messages, from the beyond! The beyond! And not just the beyond, the (?) too! Ha! Ow! 

The Fortune Teller: I’m kidding, that was a medium joke.

The Fortune Teller: Okay, before we start I just wanna say- (starts swating around) I’ve got cobwebs all over me, this is outrageous. 

The Fortune Teller: (turns towards Anthony) I just wanna say, you’re not really dead, ok, and it’s very- it’s very offensive to the dead community. (gestures at Anthony) Look at you, you’re in a full blown ghostface! And you’ve got a past with brownface - “Anthony is mexican?”, 15 million views! (turns sharply towards audience) Look it up! Look it up!

The Fortune Teller: … Hi, hello! How is everybody? (glances at Anthony) Oh, good, I woke your guy up. (pulls out deck of cards)

The Fortune Teller: Okay- (swats around) Stop it, get off!

The Fortune Teller: Now, I think the question we all have for this, this little rotten little beefcake, little boy boy-boy… Is he at peece? Is Anthony actually at peece 'ight nyow? (starts shuffling the cards)

The Fortune Teller: Well, we have to find out. And the only way to find out is to ask the cwords. The cwards. (brings up the deck) The tarot cwards.

The Fortune Teller: (turns towards Anthony) Okay? I’ll pull these for you, honey. (turns back) *sigh*

The Fortune Teller: So I am your guide. I’m your guy to the guide to the stars to the guy to the star, (gestures at herself) guide, (gestures at the audience) star. *sigh* Here we go. (pulls out the card)

The Fortune Teller: First cward… Oh! (shows the card) The Fool! This is a very very very good cward, okay? The Fool is definitely your younger self. It’s your younger self that saw the sketch “Bigfoot is Gay” with guest special Shayne Topp would age well! (looks directly at the camera) 9.4 million views, look it up! Look it up!

The Fortune Teller: *heavy sigh* It didn’t. (looks down and pulls out another card)

The Fortune Teller: The next cward… Oh. The Empress. This is a very very very good cward, okay? So this cward represents abundance of wealth, wealth and spiritual satisfaction. Which is interesting, because you bought this watch company and it started begging for handouts! (does a surprised face while looking around)

The Fortune Teller: I love Smosh, they’re very funny and I’m being paid to be here. (looks down)

The Fortune Teller: *starts gasping and grunting* Oh! Oh! I got chills, oh my god I got chills! I’ve got spirit chills! 

The Fortune Teller: Oh, there’s something happening! (looks and gestures towards other participants) Oh my goodness! You’re- you’re Shayne, right? There’s something right behind you - it is your TV career. (waves around in his direction) Okay? Okay? Okay, stick with me here, buddy. It’s your TV career and it’s dead, it’s dead. It’s done. (points at him) Don’t look at it, It’ll bum you out, alright? I’m here to protect you, alright?

The Fortune Teller: ... (nods) Very good. (looks down and pulls out another card) Sorry about that.

The Fortune Teller: Oh! Another cward, this is a very very good cward. Okay, so this is The Ten of Cups, okay? And this is a positive sign that you have reached completion and satisfaction on your journey- (looks down) Oh. Oh! It’s reversed, it means none of your partners have ever reached completion. Look it up! Look it up. (looks down and pulls out another card)

The Fortune Teller: Oh! Oh, The Lovers cward. (gestures at Anthony) This is not for you honey, I’m getting a- I’m getting a- Oh. (shows card to the room) This is a cward to little friends that go by Rhett and Link, okay? Okay, Rhett and Link. It’s your love, but it’s also love for the bullying of every member of your staff, alright?

The Fortune Teller: Oh, another spirit chill! (points) Chanse. It’s someone you need to look off. It’s someone who doesn’t serve you anymore. It’s Straight Chanse. Okay? You don’t need him anymore honey, it doesn’t take a psychic to know who you're gonna bed with, okay? Look it up! (looks down)

The Fortune Teller: Okay, okay… (pulls out a card) Okay, King of Hearts? This is for Anthony, a known ladies man… King of Fuorts, this is clearly for Ian.

The Fortune Teller: King of Fuorts. Fuorts. And Ian I can read your thoughts right now, no, I’m not producing milk. (looks down, then startles and looks at the back)

The Fortune Teller: There’s a man! There’s a man in the corner with a beard, oh my god, who's that? Steven (?) . This is for Angela. He says you’re a brilliant performer and that you deserve Broadway, and he can’t wait to see you eating sriracha tampons on Smosh Pit Next time!

The Fortune Teller: In conclusion! Smosh is a very sexless place, okay? And Anthony brought a lot of sexappeal and structure, (looks at Anthony) and are you at peece?

The Fortune Teller: Hello? Are you at peece? Are you’ peece? Anthony, are you at peece?

(Anthony, cowering a bit, cracks one of his eyes)

The Dead: Y-yup.

The Fortune Teller: (turns back sharply) Great! … *heavy sigh*

The Fortune Teller: Thank you guys, that’s my time. You guys should have appetizers or at least a pot full of mea- meatballs! Don’t google me!

(Amanda walks down from the podium. On her place walks up The Will)

.

The Will

(Tommy walks up onto the podium and looks around)

The Will: (Gestures at the walls, draped in black torn up cloth and cobwebs) I see we decorated the walls with Anthony’s leftover sweaters. (uncovers his face from beneath the veil)

The Will: (takes out a scroll and opens it to read it) We gathered here today because we witnessed rising of the dead. (looks up) That’s right, the main channel is finally getting views again. *sigh* (looks up towards the sky) Thank fucking God.

The Will: I’ve also seen someone come back to life - I have never seen Ian happy. And, actually I am so happy, that I could be here. Because if it were up to the 2017 Anthony, we wouldn’t be. 

The Will: Unfortunately, Anthony is dead. No longer will he be able to spend a day with weird people to ask why they’re doing all (waves his hand around) that.

The Will: Anthony had a very hard life. His skin, marked from the time he tragically tripped in the Sharpies factory. His ears and hands, proof that he’s a victim of manic Claire’s employee. Only a tragic life could lead to looking like if a motorcycle was gay; I can say that, I’m a motorcycle.

The Will: But Anthony wasn’t known for his struggles, he was known for his accomplishments... Like making Obama jokes in 2023. Truly broke the mold, imagine, someone this conventionally attractive doing something so conventionally unattractive.

The Will: People also frequently ask about the meaning of his tattoos, and now that he’s passed I can reveal that it was so he could fuck goth girls.

The Will: And, not many people know this, but Anthony was also great at impressions - he does a really good “Anthony Padilla does not hate Tommy Bowe”

(Anthony is shown shaking his head in denial, wide-eyed)

The Will: And now, the moment we’ve been waiting for. My Groundhogs Day - reading of the will. (looks down at the scroll)

The Will: Amanda will receive Anthony’s copy of Frankenstein, ‘cause she was brought to life when lightning struck a bassoon. Amanda, if you don’t know what a bassoon sounds like, (lowers his voice pitch), ‘sounds like this. [1]

The Will: Anthony has already given Shayne the Smosh podcast channel; it was a social experiment to see if Shayne could have a normal conversation for an hour.

The Will: Anthony leaves Ian the Boxman head, so that he has somewhere to live when Smosh is over. Anthony also promises to possess Ian and use his body as a human host, which is risky, because as we’ve seen on YouTube... Ian is not the best host. Remember when my We Watched Show failed? [2]

The Will: Anthony leaves Courtney his tattoo artist so Courtney can finish her list of “tattoos from movies nobody gives a shit about”. Courtney will be soon getting a Smosh movie tattoo - it’s just one star.

The Will: Chanse will receive Anthony’s secret diary, containing Anthony’s true sexuality. Unfortunately it won’t work out because, as they say it, you know, two bottoms don’t make a ride, but they do make me infuriated.

The Will: Anthony leaves Tommy a king sized bed so he can finally put himself to sleep. 

The Will: Angela will receive a backwards cap, to go along her current physical form and Amber Alert on rollerblades.

The Will: And, Anthony gives Arasha his blackout curtains, to match her Friday nights.

The Will: This concludes everything Anthony had to give away, except for the rest of his clothes which he gave to Charity, who is a really hot goth girl.

The Will: Something to remember about Anthony is that he’s incredible and behind every great man is an even greater CEO. (salutes) Thank you Alé. (gets ready to leave)

The Will: Oh! And if anyone objects to Anthony’s death, please speak now or be silent forever.

???: Wait!

(camera pans away towards the corridor on the other side of Anthony’s casket, revealing a man, The Comedian)

The Comedian: Dammit, I object!

.

References:

[1] - bassoon is an instrument similar to a clarinet if you're wondering. It's also called the english f-slur in my native language, which paired up with Tommy being gay is a little funny to me

[2] - apparently, at least according to Reddit users, Tommy was referencing his "I Watched [blank] for the first time" video with Ian, which at the time had the least views on the whole Smosh Pit channel

.

The Comedian

(The Comedian strikes a pose, straightening his lapels and smiling to the audience, then walks up to the podium)

Brandon: (slaps his hands down the podium) I object… (pulls ot a folded paper) to not saying anything before we throw this (gestures with the paper towards Anthony) fucker into river, so lets do it. (unfolds the paper, which is shown to be torn and stained) Alright, sorry, I just came from, uh, the bathroom.

Brandon: It is an honor to be here tonight, (gestures at the casket) a highlight of Anthony’s career. When I heard it was a funeral I rode right over; I am such a whore for the funerals, (slaps down the podium to emphasize) I’m the biggest whore for the funerals, but today we’re joined by Courtney, so…

Brandon: But we’re not here to remember church sluts, (gestures towards Anthony) we're here to remember a church virgin.

Brandon: Anthony was a major advocate for mental health. And, today, we honor the most (slaps the podium) remarkable thing he’s done for his fans' mental health - die. It’s- that wasn’t a joke.

Brandon: It’s a shame he had to die before he could become interesting.

Brandon: No! Like that’s wrong- (points at Anthony) The only way he could get a show where he’s a star of it, is if it's about other people. Just saying, maybe he should’ve spend some time with a (slaps the podium) fucking hobby, (looks at Anthony) you boring prick!

Brandon: … (hands by his mouth in praying gesture)

Brandon: Anthony, thank you for dying. All of the oxygen that would’ve been wasted on the rest of your life is going to people with talent. (looks at the audience) Yes!

Brandon: And- and I have to say, this is a second time I’ve roasted (points at Anthony) this cuck in a casket, and the third time he better be in a fucking urn.

Brandon: Sorry, that was, uh… Rude. I-...

Brandon: Let’s eat Anthony.

Brandon: We can do it! No, because, he can’t say no no more. (points at Anthony) And look at all that meat. Yeah, “vegan” my ass. (walks up to Anthony and grabs his arm, sizing it up) Look at all this muscle, he’s been working out! One of his arms has enough muscle to do what he never could in life (pats Anthony) - feed a family.

Brandon: And also, fun fact! Anthony’s hairstyle is in Trolls 1 and 2. Yeah, it is! Before we threw him in the box (pulls out a bit of black curled wig and puts it on his forehead) I snipped some of his hair and I trough, maybe- maybe I could be the new Anthony. But! (smiles widely at the audience) This time hot and funny!

Brandon: Now I know he died early, “at such a young age”. (slaps the podium) Bitch, thirty- Three is a big number. Three decades?! I didn’t think he’d make it this far! Three is a very big number - that’s the amount of stars IMDB gave the Smosh movie! (shrugs) Yeah.

Brandon: (leans forward over podium) So I would just like to say, congratulations to you Ian. You are, finally, the most attractive original member from Smosh! (smiles wide-eyed and claps his hands)

Brandon: Now, the rest of you- what a pathetic goddamned lineup. No wonder it took all of (gestures around with his hand) this to replace this king! (points at Anthony) I don’t even know who the most of you are!

Brandon: Like, Arash- is that how you pronounce it?

The Coroner: Arasha.

Brandon: Well, I’ve never met you, and I won’t.

Brandon: And- you know you got a gay group of friends when Chanse blends in with the rest of you.

Brandon: And what- (points at Shayne) The Chosen Topp in the back? Doesn’t Shayne look like someone who has OnlyFans for Only Him?

Brandon: You fuckers should be ashamed of yourselves! (points at Anthony) This man was promised comedians at this event! And all I’m seeing is (counts) one, two, three, four, five, six, seven cumshots and Tommy. And Tommy’s here only because there will be seven cumshots! Tom-my. (slaps the podium) You’re in your thirties, it’s Tom now, motherfucker!

Brandon: *sigh* Anyways, I’d like to say in all seriousness. Anthony was a great friend, (points at Anthony with his hand) and he looks like a dream tonight. And it’s a shame morticians couldn’t get the smell of Rhett and Link’s balls out of his mouth. 

Brandon: Rot in hell Anthony, I love you.

(Brandon walks away towards the participant audience and sits down. His place on the podium takes up The Coroner)

.

The Coroner

(Arasha walks up onto the podium and stares directly into the camera with dead-eyed RBF in silence)

The Coroner: … (in the flattest, deadpan, raspy voice) Hi.

The Coroner: *sigh* I’m the medical examiner who conducted Anthony’s autopsy… And apparently the only one you know.

The Coroner: High-key, I was so excited for this assignment. See? (barely quirks her lips)

The Coroner: I’ve been wanting to be in a room with Anthony’s naked body since his video “Am I Gay?” - I find queerbaiting really attractive.

The Coroner: Either way it leaves somebody disappointed. Soo brave.

The Coroner: When I started to examine him closer I realised I’ve made a horrible mistake: this body is medically sus.

The Coroner: It’s like a pretty car, but under the hood is a nest of anxious wet rats in a circlejerk.

The Coroner: I spent a day with Anthony… and I’ve got an ick. This is what I found:

The Coroner: His hair was difficult to examine, as it was matted into curls after being burned, crunched, and forced into being straight for years… Like Chanse growing up in Tennessee.

(Chanse is shown doing the Shaka Sign[3])

The Coroner: His hemoglobin levels were normal, which was surprising, considering how much his blood boiled due dealing with Ian during years 2011 to 2018.

The Coroner: Vitals were all around normal, except his rizz… (frowns) Lowest I’ve ever seen.

The Coroner: It’s widely known Anthony had no game, and speaking of wide - he had a nose job.

The Coroner: Several years ago he (moves fingers in quoting motion) “fixed his deviated septum”... *quiet snort* Sure, king…

The Coroner: Now that he’s dead his nose is being repossessed, because he bought it (turns towards Ian) with Defy stocks (quirks her lips and widens her eyes in fake surprise)

The Coroner: He called himself a vegan, which usually means eating healthy, but then he only ate chips and protein bars…

The Coroner: Anthony is vegan the way Ian is our boss… the way Angela is an adult… the way Amanda is a podcaster… the way Brandon is a comedian… the way Tommy is- chill… The way Courtney is chill.

The Coroner: The way Shayne’s moustache… (frowns) worked?

The Coroner: The way Rhett and Link are friends… And the way Chanse is 22.

The Coroner: Now. Anthony’s skin has faced a lot of mixed treatment, clearly by being only inside for decades on his computer and then blasting his pores with stick-and-poke tattoos. (turns towards Anthony) There’s another way to get a tattoo, you know?

The Coroner: His neck is chafed by Ian constantly breathing down it… also, that’s the highest that Ian can reach on Anthony, being that Ian is 5’8’’ and Anthony is 5’11’’. That’s a 3 inch difference- Ian, I believe you’re familiar with 3 inches...?

The Coroner: (looks down) I’ll find that out one way or another…

The Coroner: Anthony’s nervous system was in tatters - we found lethal amounts of marihuana and extra strength yerba mate. In our field we call this “cocaine bounding”

The Coroner: (turns towards Anthony and looks at him in contemplation) …

The Coroner: Upon examining his heart, I found that it is healthy. Though it contains many healed wounds, he is still full of love and support for his people. (turns towards the audience)

The Coroner: It takes strength to live fractured and come back home whole.

The Coroner: ...

The Coroner: Speaking of hole - flat ass.

The Coroner: That’s it. Coroner, out.

(she takes her files and stands down from the podium. Her place, once again, takes up The Pastor)

The Pastor: Alright folks, we are about halfway through our members.

The Pastor: Also, (gestures towards the keyboard hidden in church organs) quick shoutout to Josh everybody (starts clapping), doing a great job on the organ.

The Pastor: You know, Josh is kinda like our own “Phantom of the Opera”, he’s- he’s like an angel of music that is- behind the scenes and, holding women hostage, with stories that never end.

(Josh makes an offended face, then looks down with a sad face)

The Pastor: …

The Pastor: Anyway. I’ve been told that we have an extra, special half-time performance.

The Pastor: From Chanse, who is extra. And Angela, who is special.

The Pastor: (Nods) Take it away.

(He walks down from podium, as Chanse and Angela run up towards the camera that starts tracking them and piano music starts playing)

.

References:

[3] - The Shaka Sign

.

Anthony: The Musical

(Angela and Chanse walk up to the camera, backward caps on their heads[4], looking towards it as they start talking to each other)

Angela: Hey Chanse.

Chanse: Yes?

Angela: You know how they gave us 10 minutes to do whatever we want, you think what I’m thinking?

Chanse: I think what you’re thinking.

Angela: Yeah.

(Chanse starts talking directly towards camera)

Chanse: So there’s the thing: we bought the rights to Anthony’s life on Craigslist and we made a play out of it. 

Chanse: So, we present:

(They move their bodies to form an A)

Both: Anthony: The Musical!

Angela, singing:

An emo girl on YouTube, but nothing strikes a cord..

A dude that hears music in video games, but knows there’s something more..

A salesman who sells phallic foods, but nobody thinks it’s funny..

A white teenage guy, in 2005, with no one to give his money...[5]

Both:

Who do we give our money?

Chanse (Anthony): So, you’re saying I just press this button here and a video goes to the entire Internet, Ian?

Angela (Ian): Yeah, I’m Ian.

Chanse (Anthony): Well, here goes nothing. (touches near the camera with his finger, then waves) Hey guys!

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

My name is Anthony, and I’m here to say

I make funny things, in a teenage way

Pokemons or the parodies, for adolescents

Too scared to smoke weed!

‘Cause I’m the-

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony): We need a catchphrase

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Angela (Ian): Shut uup!

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: And Ian’s here too!

(Angela (Ian) pats Chanse (Anthony), peeking out from behind his shoulder)

Angela (Ian): I’m right here.

(Chanse (Anthony) moves aside)

Chanse (Anthony): Oh, sorry.

Chanse, narrating: Meanwhile, at the YouTube headquarters…

Chanse (Anthony): Mr. YouTube! Mr. YouTube!

(Angela (Mr. YouTube) is shown walking with an umbrella, using it as walking stick)

Angela (Mr. YouTube): Ah! Don’t bother me now, I’m in an awful mood, after a bad call with a store runner!

Chanse (Anthony): Well-

Angela (Mr. YouTube): They-! They are crushing us in the horny teen demographic! They are absolutely crushing us! I feel like I’m trapped in a box, man! A box, man!

Chanse (Anthony): Well, that’s just what I was gonna say! Look at this!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: I’m Boooooooxmaaaan! 

Angela (Mr. YouTube): Nice!

Angela (Mr. YouTube), singing:

Now it’s clear to me, I finally know,

My website depends on these teenage bros.

Give them money! Give them fame!

Their lives will never

Be! The!! Same!!!

Chanse, narrating: Ladies and gentleman: Two teenage boys!

Both, singing:

Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony): We’re getting monetized!

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony): We sold to Defy!

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: But I still want more…

Angela (Ian): (progressively draping herself over Chanse (Anthony)’s shoulders, her face getting more deranged) Anthony!! How cool is this! We have movies, TV shows, Babble adds! We’re gonna do this thing until we literally work ourselves into the grave! Isn’t it great?! I love you, but I’m also weirdly and constantly comparing myself to you when you’re around!

Chanse (Anthony): (shrugs Angela (Ian) off) Oh, my God!

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

Why would you make me hot, when I’m so smart?

Can I get to a place where I’m not…

Both: Hot and smart...

I made this channel back when I was sick,

My hair is grey and my walet’s thick

And my best friend gives me the ick [6]

(falls at his knees)

What is next? What should I do?!

(bangs his fist on the ground)

This is not the Smosh I knew!

(looks down at his hands)

Chanse (Anthony): But- I can fix this, right? Cause I’m…

(Angela (Ian) walks up to him and kneels down next to him)

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

Should I even try… (Angela (Ian) awkwardly puts her hand at his arm, but he brushes it off and stands up)

I’m gonna quit Defy

Now it’s me, myself and… (turns back and sees Angela (Ian), then looks back away)

Me…

Chanse, narrating: We cut to Anthony two years later. He’s making his own content, which is mostly him talking about why he left Smosh, over, and over, and over… and over again. It’s not sustainable, and he knows it.

Angela (Anthony): Think Anthony, ugh come on! Your channel is getting terrible views, it’s almost like your content is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Come on, I can do this! What do I have that Smosh doesn’t? Think…

Angela (Anthony), singing:

Comedy is bullshit,

Vloging’s just for squares

I’m saying that ‘cause I tried both and views just don’t compare,

To what I had…

Both:

What should I do?

(camera gets really close up to Angela (Anthony)’s face, with her holding her fist up in front of her like she’s singing into a mic)

Angela (Anthony), scream-singing:

I GOTTA FIND MY NEW SEEELF!!!

MAKE MY OWN FIVE MINUTE HIT!!!

I GOTTA FIND MY NEW SEEEELF!!!

OR I WILL LOSE MY FUCK-ING SHIT!!! 

Angela (Anthony): Think Anthony! C’mon! Do some yoga! (camera pans down to show Chanse doing a Crow Pose[7]) Downward dog- (gibberish)[8] Ugh! It’s not working!

Angela (Anthony): Wait! The answers… (looks down at her hands) they’re in the tats!

Angela (Anthony), singing:

Dig down deep, search myself!

Need something o-ri-gi-nal!

If only! I could know! POVs outside mine own!

Both:

Sexworkers, Kidz Bopps or adult babies!

Ex-mormons, trans people, nudists, furries!

Huge bodybuilders, professional cuddlers!

Flat Earthers or strippers, and substitute teachers!

Angela (Anthony):

But most Importantly!

They get to talk to me!

Chanse, narrating: And just like that, he found it: “I spend a day with…” - a show where Anthony interviews marginalized people for an hour and then keep all the profits! You know, like a hero! And just like that…

Angela (Anthony), scream-singing:

I FOUND MY NEW SEEELF!!!

I’VE MADE MY OWN FIVE MINUTE HIT!

NOW THAT I FOUND MY NEW SEEELF!!!

I DON’T NEED SMOSH, I’M! THE!! SHIT!!!

Chanse, narrating: Meanwhile, across the river at Smosh…

Both, singing:

(both of them move from one side of the view to the other, hunched over as if searching and moving their hands like robots, completing it by accenting their singing like “robots”)

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

(camera panes out toward the organ)

Josh: Ha! I’m Rhett and Link! And we'll take your channel and see if it will pizza! *menacing laugh*

(camera pans back)

Both: *screeching*

(Chanse is shown wearing blond wig)

Chanse (Shayne): Agh, I’m Shayne, and I’ve been carrying the channel on my back for so long and I can’t hold on much longer! Smosh is in trouble! If we don’t do something immediately, we’re toast! You have to make the call, Ian!

Angela (Ian): I’m Ian and I won’t make that phone call.

Chanse (Shayne): You must!

Angela, narrating: Meanwhile, at Anthony’s mansion…

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

My channel’s finally found a voice,

And I’m making so much money

But if I’m being honest, I miss my friend,

And being funny…

Angela (Ian): *ring ring ring* Hey, uh… It’s Ian.

Chanse (Anthony): It’s Anthony…?

Angela (Ian): Yeah, I know, uh- I was just wondering… 

Chanse (Anthony): What?

Angela (Ian): Listen, I really like the work you’re doing; Giving people with different perspectives a platform, but… Doesn’t any part of you want to go back to making the same, ill-informed, sexist, homophobic content we’ve made fifteen years ago?

Chanse (Anthony): Wow… I spent a day with so many people, but I guess the only person that I haven’t spent a day with… (exaggeratedly shrugs) is my best friend.

Angela (Ian), singing: I’ll spend a day with you!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: (in a much deeper voice that he used before) You’ll spend a day with me!

Both, singing: We’ll spend a day together, once again,

We’re Ian and Anthony!

I’ll spend a day with you!!!

Chanse (Anthony): We’ll summon a demon!

You’ll spend a day with me!

Chanse (Anthony): Be given an (?) !

And the future of Smosh is okay,

Cause I’ll spend a day,

I’ll spend a day,

I’ll spend a day!

Angela (Ian): *sigh* Everything is back to normal

Chanse (Anthony): Yeah! Let's agree to never sell our creative property to a major corporation again

Angela (Ian): Let's never ever ever do that!

(Both turn to look directly into the camera while pointing at it)

Both: Hold us to it!

(They look back towards each other)

Chanse (Anthony): And one more thing. We should address the sexual tension between us, that’s perpetrated not only by fans but our own actions, on screen AND OFF. Let’s talk about it, right here. Right now…

(They slowly move closer, grasping and embracing each other as if they were about to kiss)

(Then Chanse (Anthony) abruptly pushes Angela (Ian) back and sharply turns away)

Chanse (Anthony): No, hah!

Chanse, narrating: We cut to the Smosh studio where the whole gang is reunited.

Angela: I’m the Smosh cast and half of us are late to the meeting!

Both: (jumping up in excitement) Yay!!

Both, singing: (clapping to the rhythm of music)

‘Cause he’s the man with the viral touch!

Chanse: I’ll spend a day with you!

Both: Man with the viral touch!

Angela: I only wanna be with you!

Both: Man with the viral touch!

And we have all!

Been!!

Touched!!!

…

..

.

(Music abruptly cuts off…)

.

References:

[4] - These caps have "Ian" and "Anthony" written on them, with Amanda and Chanse wearing them respectively. I just wrote down who is playing which role at the moment (cause they do switch the caps) for simplicity

[5] - They make this bit in the TNTL #143 (the second musical one)

[6] - According to Wikipedia articles on the topic, the ick is used to describe "A sudden feeling of disgust or repulsion for someone one was previously attracted to"; do with that what you will (I didn't know it until just now)

[7] - The Crow Pose, also called Kakasana

[8] - the gibberish sounded like a butchered version of original name for the Downward Dog yoga pose (written in latin it being Adho Mukha Svanasana), but I didn't know how to write it's botched version so the reference would still be clear

.

The Hecklers

(...to Keith running onto the stage while his Stripping Bit Music is playing. He dances with Chanse and Angela fo a bit, the throws off his clothes and dances only in his gold boxers for a while)

(After everything is cleaned up, The Pastor walks back up onto the podium)

The Pastor: Wow!

The Pastor: Wow, give it up once again to Chanse and Angela, that was incredible! (clapps)

The Pastor: In-credible!

The Pastor: Also, give it up to Keith!

The Pastor: I think that’s the eight times you’ve done the striptease in a video? Which qualifies you as a sex offender, so congratulations. (clapps)

(Keith, smiling widely, turns towards the audience and joins clapping)

The Pastor: No, don’t- don’t clap to that!

The Pastor: Um- (leans over the podium) You got all your money?

(Keith is shown picking up all the “money” he dropped when he threw off his coat

The Pastor: Um, Okay. (looks up) Everyone, we have a very special guest that we kept a secret from all of you. Some describe them as Smosh from an alternative universe, if that universe was a little less funny and a lot more gay.

The Pastor: Ladies and gentlemen: Dan and Phill!

(Two people in red monk? robes bring in a TV screen on wheels, putting it besides Anthony’s casket. The screen is showing static, which then cuts to a video showing static)

Phil: My guys… thanks for having us.

Dan: This is a sad time. (Turns towards Phil) I feel like I’ve lost a brother… People always think that me and Anthony look so similar - same eyes, same hair, same nose- well, we used to have the same nose but then… *awkward cough*

Phil: We were so proud when Anthony got Smosh back, but we’re also proud about his impactful and original solo content, like “I spent a day with…”, and his sketches with us.

Dan: *chuckles* Remember that time when he just vlogged himself in his swimwear, doing slip-n-slide with his ex-girlfriend. Good content, bro!

Phil: But while legacy, Smosh used to be the most subscribed channel of all time! What happened? It’s almost like two guys yelling at each other for six minutes stops being funny when you’re not six years old anymore

Dan: Hey! Smosh may not have epic and impressive stunts like Mr.Beast, but as long as Shayne can just read shit off Reddit… You’ll be alright

Phil: For a man who identifies as a straight man by their proximity in a hot tub, Anthony has the worst gaydar ever! Once at VidCon we got smashed on tequila sunrises with Joey Graceffa, and Anthony thought we were having a “bro moment”.

Dan: I have, unironically, bought the Sexy Anthony Calendar when I was 19, and when he found out he just said “Thanks for your support”. I once told him I couldn’t wait to get back to his house to slobber over his fatty, and he took me to a burrito truck.

Dan: What a dumbass! A dumb, fuckable ass…

Phil: (nodding) The world lost a good himbo.

Dan: Hey, look! I don’t do this to be mean. He’s not dumb, he just smoked so much weed that he thinks sitting in a chair with someone for 20 minutes is spending a whole day together

Phil: We’ve been with him through some hardest moments of his life!

Dan: So many exes…

Phil: He stayed at our house when he got his tattoo, came all the way to the London, spent all that money, only to look like someone dropped a plate of Squeal Out paste [9] on a C-Tier OnlyFans twink.

Dan: The tattoo artist actually got violently electrocuted while it was happening, but just played it of as intentional *sigh* Now he looks like someone just inverted colors on my Sexy Anthony Calendar after I spent a five minutes with it in a bathroom

Phil: It felt like he finally got to a good place in his life, where he could be truly authentic. He found a “unique” way of styling himself - he searched “edgy”... on Pintrest.

Dan: Anthony dresses like if Edward Scisorhand fell into a cabinet at a pornshop.

Phil: Hey!

Dan: Sorry, we apologize. That was very insensitive to Edward, he would never let his hair get this crusty and disgusting, like he had someone jizz on them and then left it on the sun for ten days. Like my Sexy Anthony Calendar

Phil: We wish Ian all the best in running Smosh without Anthony… Again.

Dan: But if you need another YouTubers to bail out Smosh again do not come to us, okay? Not because we don’t have the money, but because we don’t believe in you.

Phil: Goodbye!

(The whole screen turns into static, then cuts back to the funeral set.)

The Pastor: Wow! Wow, wow… Wow!

The Pastor: Thank you Dan and Phil, that was- that was crazy horny.

The Pastor: So, um, hopefully our next guest isn’t as horny, and that is- Oh, shit! It’s The Bikini Girl…

.

References:

[9] - Squeel Out is a disk break grease paste for bikes with a cartoon pig on it's jar, it usually comes in black.

.

The Bikini Girl

(Cortney struts up to the podium, ostentatiously shaking her butt, then pulls out a note from her bra)

The Bikini Girl: (in high-pitched, overly sweet tone) Ooh! Huh… warm… 

The Bikini Girl: Hah… Hello people wearing clothing!

The Bikini Girl: Today, Bikini Girl, the barely clothed lady that Ian and Anthony put in every video from 2009 to 2015, and, for some reason, present day!

The Bikini Girl: I am honored to be speaking at the funeral of Anthony Penis. I’m honestly honoured to be speaking at all! Usually I’m only allowed one line, and one puke. Get you a girl who can do both two things one time! (does a peace sign)

The Bikini Girl: I am so, so sad Anthony is dead… *exaggerated anime-like fake crying* Wah! Oh, waah! Wah…

The Bikini Girl: He and Ian always reminded me of my boobs… because there’s two of them! And one of them refuses to go to therapy! Plus seeing only one is unsettling and shockingly sterilizing…

The Bikini Girl: Um, you know, uh… *high pitched chuckle* Sorry, not used to talking for so long

The Bikini Girl: Actually, you all remind me of boobies, hihi!

The Bikini Girl: One that’s so perky it’s honestly alarming - that’s Arasha! One that is firmed up from being overused and overworked - that’s Shayne! One that always pops out at 3 am at WeHo - that’s Chanse! 

The Bikini Girl: One that when you squeeze it, it feels like it’s squeezing you back… that’s Amanda! Hihi, uhuh!

The Bikini Girl: One that if you breathe near it, it will go “Oh my gosh! That is literally the smartest thing you've ever said!” - that’s Angela! One boob that knows how to edit, but is just a cunt - that’s Tommy!

The Bikini Girl: I know two that- that are hairy and old, those are testicles and these are Rhett and Link!

The Bikini Girl: One boob that is definitely listening right now, that’s Keith!

(Keith is shown, visibly not listening)

Keith: Wha-what did you just say?

The Bikini Girl: One boob that you see at middle school and makes you think, “Am I Gay?” - that’s Brendon.

The Bikini Girl: I loved working at Smosh. My job was bikini. Just bikini. My day rate was 200$, and as a tip I could make men act uncomfortably for 12 hours.

The Bikini Girl: And, uh, you know (spreads arms) many other women had played role of Bikini Girl, which reserved me roles that were more respectable for women, like “Ugly Pikachu” and “Women on date with Ian”

The Bikini Girl: Not to toot my own thumb but I was a star! A big star, uhuh! Thumbnails are so important, why else would you click on the video, because it’s funny? No! (starts laughing at high pitch and jumping up, making her boobs jiggle)

The Bikini Girl: I was even in the video “Slow-mo Bikini Girl - Behind the scenes”. It has a behind-the-scenes clip where Ian and Anthony spray me with a hose in their front yard and call it “pervo vision”. Ian looks to the camera and says “It’s wish fulfillment kids - this is why you become a writer”. Such an awesome thing to say!

The Bikini Girl: They got 14- oh, oop- they got 4.9 million views, and I got hypothermia! *in a whiny sad tone* I couldn’t use their towels ‘cause they were too crusty…

The Bikini Girl: Anthony, Ian! Are you shaking in your boobs right now? Okay…

The Bikini Girl: But give them a break, they were boys when they wrote those sketches. And they still are.

The Bikini Girl: But- oop, sorry, not these words- hello, hi… Oooh, that’s a new letter, that’s fun… 

The Bikini Girl: Oh, yes! They are still boys. Boys will be boys, girls will be girls, and please- oop, oh God! So many words!

The Bikini Girl: Boys will be boys, girls will be girls, and women will be two scawy, aah! Women awe scawy, cause it’s Bikini Girl, remember? Bikini. Girl. To clarify, not Bikini Woman, it's an important distinction. Girl. I’m a girl. In a bikini. You put a girl in a bikini- that’s how you wrote it! 

The Bikini Girl: No Bikini Woman, because Bikini Women awe so scawy! women awe so scawy, ugh! What’s under your blouse, two perfectly round guns?! OOh!!

The Bikini Girl: Don’t worry, Ian and Anthony had grown so much since then. They’re self-aware now, and how problematic it is, and they’ll do it anyway!

The Bikini Girl: Um, I love you both. But, if you want me to come back it will be on my terms. Okay? And those terms are:

The Bikini Girl: Let a woman into the writers room, literally any woman.

The Bikini Girl: Also, let the writers room be a jacuzzi, yay! (starts squealing and jumping up)

The Bikini Girl: If anyone objects to these terms, speak now or forever hold your penis!

???: We object!

(Camera cuts towards the corridor that Brandon walked through, revealing two people standing in it)

.

The Custodians

(Rhett and Link slowly walk up to the podium, as The Bikini Girl skips back to her seat)

The Bikini Girl: (waving over her shoulder) Hi daddies!

Both: (eyes trailing her) Hi…

Rhett: We object and I am holding my penis.

Link: Sorry we didn’t dress to the occasion, we know that we aren’t guests that… you wanted to invite.

Rhett: Definitely not the first choice. 

Link: Uh, yeah. Ian’s Mom didn’t wanna come, she has a “girlfriend experience” scetchuled for her top OnlyFans payer.

Rhett: She also said that five minutes were not enough time to say all the things she wanted to say about the emaciated cuck of a son.

Link: We don’t know why you guys just didn’t invite some cancelled YouTubers that appeared on the Smosh channels over the years. Isn’t that a pattern? A YouTuber comes over, they get cancelled? Why can’t you just forgive them the way fans forgive Shaynes new show?

Rhett: *ekhm* Or did they not…

Rhett: You know, it’s honestly hard to come up with something bad to say about (gestures with both hands) this guy, like. Anthony Padilla is just a genuinely good guy, right? But, you know, now that he’s passed I think this is a perfect opportunity for us to reveal the real story of what happened when Ian and Anthony came to us wanting to buy Smosh back, okay?

Rhett: So there’s a story in the press that makes everybody look good, and then there’s the truth. And it didn’t start when we bought Smosh, or when we sold Smosh- It started the day that We Bought Smosh.

Link: You’re right. And from the beginning we were always like, yeah, it would be great if Anthony came back, we’re open to it! But the moment we brought it up with Ian he said, and I quote: “FUCK THAT GUY!!”

Link: “HE’S OVER THERE FUCKING- SPENDING DAYS WITH PEOPLE!! AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER ISN’T ACTUALLY SPENDING A DAY WITH PEOPLE, HE’S SPENDING HOURS WITH PEOPLE!!! HE’S SUCH A FUCKING LIAR!!! I HATE THAT BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL MAN!!!

Link: That’s what he said.

Rhett: (nodding) Yeah, I remember that. I was there.

Rhett: But over time Ian had a change of heart, he came to us and said “I feel like I need to rekindle my friendship with Anthony before I’m older than Rotten Tomatoes audience score for Smosh: The Movie”

Rhett: (looks into the camera) And if you’re at home taking shots every time somebody makes a joke about Smosh: The Movie, take your third shot.

Link: So then one day Ian and Anthony together showed up at our office to say (turns towards Rhett) they wanted to buy Smosh back…?

Rhett: (nodding) Mhm

Link: …from us.

Rhett: Yup.

Link: And in order to tell you exactly how that went, um… let’s roleplay.

(Link rips his shirt open)

(Rhett pulls out a Sharpie and starts to draw over his chest and arms)

Link: Hands, get the hands… and there (points at his neck and shows it to Rhett)

Rhett: I’ve never seen the back… (starts to smear all over Links chest)

Link: (flinches back) Hey- don’t get the nipple!

…

Rhett: Alright! (claps) I’ll be Anthony.

Link: …

(Link starts to put his shirt back)

Link: Ugh, whatever…

Courtney: They’re making you put it back on-?!

(Link continues to, slowly, put his shirt back on)

Link: Hold on! I-I’ll be us…

Rhett: Yeah, sure. This is exactly how it went down, okay?

(Rhett stands in front of Link, arms linked and head down)

Rhett: …

Rhett: (In baby voice) Can we pwease have it back? Can we pwease have it back, can we-can we pwease? I mean… We sold it fow fwee, can we get it back fow fwee?

Link: Anthony, it’s… We can’t just sell it for free, I mean… there’s still some value associated with it. I mean the main channel still has 36 million subscribers, and 1.5 of them- still watch, occasionally.

Rhett: And that’s when Anthony said:

(Rhett starts to exaggeratedly hyperventilate and clench his hands) 

Rhett: I’ll do anything man, listen- (leans really close to Link) I’ll show you my secret for making my interviews not interesting…

Rhett: (rears back and starts waving his hands around) Oh, no no no, I got it-! I got it-! I got it-! 

Link: Yeah…?

Rhett: I’ll keep making the same shitty content that Ian has been making without me…

Rhett: Oh, no no no, I got it-! I got it-! I got it - I’ll give you 10 plain black T-shirt that’s like 7000$...

Rhett: Or, no no no, I’ll spend a day… (leans in really close to Link) with your wifes. 

Link: He- he did say that.

Rhett: Oh, no no no, I, uhm, I, uh, I- I’LL TEACH YOU GUYS HOW TO SUCK YOUR OWN DICK!!! WHY DO YOU THINK I STARTED TO DO ALL THAT YOGA?! TO SUCK MY OWN DICK! AND NOW I CAN- I CAN SHARE MY KNOWLEDGE WITH YOU GUYS!! I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO SUCK MY- YOUR OWN DICK!!!

Link: And I’ve said: Heh, you’ve got a deal!

Link: Ian was ecstatic, but he had three requirements for the deal to go trough:

Link: Uh, he wanted to ensure that he would continue to only give at most 30% effort, at any moment.

Link: Um, he also wanted to keep parking his Porsche next to his editors’ Honda Civics…?

(Ian is shown nodding along, mouthing “yeah” several times)

Link: And he really wanted to make sure that he could still drink breast milk from a hydro flask at every single… meeting…?

Rhett: Yeah. And we denied all these requests but he caved really quickly. The deal went through, we added a clause to the agreement though and that was:

Rhett: In case of Anthony’s death, Smosh reverts to us. (spreads arms) So you’re looking at your new owners again!

(Ian is shown acting distraught at this)

Link: Of course we’re too busy to be involved at day-to-day level so we’ll bring a new CEO, he’s great. He’s from the company… (snaps to remember) What’s it called again?

Both: (pointing at each other) Oh! Defy Media!

Link: Dustin Diamond?

(they proceed to walk down towards the audience seats, not saying anything else. Their place takes The Chosen)

.

The Chosen

(The Chosen walks up to the podium, stands with his back to the audience, then looks over his shoulder all badass. He then turns back completely, leaning with his hands on the podium)

The Chosen: Greetings. I am the Chosen.

The Chosen: You’re probably wondering why I look so badass right now… It’s because we’re on a cusp of the greatest battle in the entire history of the whole universe… And also I got queso on my three-wolves-moon shirt… And I fell off my razor scooter on the way here.

The Chosen: Laying before us (turns towards Anthony) is the greatest adversary, in all of human history. (turns back)

The Chosen: The final boss: Anthony Padilla.

The Chosen: *deep sigh* If he reawakens… the world will be thrown into a freaking. Hellscape.

The Chosen: Tragically, it wasn’t always meant this way… 

The Chosen: In fact, believe it or not… Anthony was once… The Greatest Chosen to ever exist.

(audience gasps)

The Chosen: His tale begins eons ago, the year 2005. Merely 4 years after 9/11, Anthony’s powers were… undeniable.

The Chosen: He created Smosh entirely by himself. And he was a Master of Coding - which is code for being able to use code.

The Chosen: Despite this, The Chosen Council was sceptical. You see, Anthony didn’t look like your typical Chosen. His appearance could be only described as… (glances at Anthony) Magician with allegations… Or if Pete Wentz was white.

The Chosen: Despite my protests, The Chosen Council denied him. So, Anthony had to carve his own path. He left Smosh, and after making some of the worst content known to men… he decided to spend a day with every kind of person, absorbing their powers.

The Chosen: Artists, scientists, survivors, satanists, furries and… Dream.

The Chosen: He truly spent a day with every kind of person besides an acting coach.

The Chosen: When he returned to Smosh, his powers were so great he had gained power to alter environments - like how he completely erased the entire cast from the main Smosh channel. But these powers proved to be too tempting…

The Chosen: Anthony began to stray from the light - he stopped gaming, and began to cover his body in stupid tattoos that, unlike mine, do not come off in two to three washes.

The Chosen: Worst of all… Anthony Padilla… had sex!

(audience gasps)

The Chosen: (progressively louder and angrier) He broke the sacred No-Fap Rule of The Chosen! With every excruciating nut, his personality became more cringe! With every devastating bust, his content became more like Jubilee!! He comet his entire purpose away!!!

The Chosen: Until he became (turns towards Anthony) Calamity Chosen!

The Chosen: And no matter what I did I couldn’t stop him! (turns towards Anthony)

The Chosen: You were The Chosen one! It was you who’d bring the balance to Smosh, not leave it in darkness! You were my brother, Anthony! I loved you!

The Chosen: *sigh* (turns his back towards the audience) I couldn’t save him… I failed us. (turns back)

The Chosen: And now, on this very night… Calamity Chosen will return.

(starts humming repeatedly “pa” to the Avengers credits music cadence)

…

The Chosen: In order to defeat him… it will require every Chosen in the known multiverse, including The Chosens in this very room who’ve been lying dormant, awaiting for this very moment. Prepare now, to be Chosen!

The Chosen: Brandon Rogers… is Chosen. His ability to hold time is impressive. His YouTube channel has stayed in 2015 for 8 years.

The Chosen: Courtney Miller is Chosen! It’s fascinating to witness what a middle schooler would be like at 28 years old.

The Chosen: Arasha is NOT Chosen. She is more of a ChoseMe.

The Chosen: Tommy! Tommy is Chosen. Because being gay is a choice.

(general sounds of disagreement)

The Chosen: Just-! Just kidding. Being gay is not a choice… but being depressed is.

The Chosen: Angela… is Italian.

The Chosen: Amanda is not Chosen, because she looks like shit, smells like shit, and is overall a massive piece of shit!

(Amanda is shown flipping him off with both hands while laughing)

Amanda: Fuck you…

The Chosen: Ian… *sigh* Anthony’s sidekick.

The Chosen: Believe it or not, you are Chosen. The plot of Five Nights At Freddys is actually based on Ian’s experiences at Chuck E Cheese. Just ask Matpat who’s here- (starts frantically looking around) Is he not here-? Oh shit, Matpat was supposed to be here. Oh, we’re fucked-!

The Chosen: No, we’re not. Okay! Chosens, we’ve got this!

(takes out a katana from scabbard on his back)

The Chosen: The battle against Anthony will be fierce! But if we stand together we can defeat him! And once we do, we will dine (raises the fist with a katana into the air) at Chillies!!!

(Shayne walks down from the podium, surrounded by ovations. His place takes up The Vessel.)

.

The Vessel

(Angela walks up to the podium)

The Vessel: Hey everybody! It’s, um Angela. Sorry, I’m just not feeling so well-

(Her eyes start rolling, she starts gasping and grunting as a much raspier voice speaks through her)

The Vessel: It’s me! The Vessel! I’m your daddy and I’m gonna eat your ass family style! Agh!

The Vessel: Oh guys, sorry that was weird-

The Vessel: It’s me, The Chat! Taking over to roast Anthony’s itty-bitty assy! These are directly submitted by you guys, the fans! *verbally keysmashes*

The Vessel: Ugh! Let’s begin the roast, okay?! Yeah!

The Vessel: You all submitted over 6 thousands roasts; there are just some of them- JK, just the good ones! *gibberish*

The Vessel: /105punkroad said: “Anthony is so vegan that he can’t even eat pussy” *laughs maniacally*

The Vessel: /Amy wrote: “Anthony looks like if a 5 year old drew her imaginary boyfriend” Uggh! These are fucking good!

The Vessel: /Brett wrote: “Anthony is like if a Skunk became a real boy.”

The Vessel: /ClaireVamp wrote: “Anthony is the first straight man to experience twink death.”

The Vessel: /Darwin wrote: “Anthony looks like he goes “where’s my hug at?” to people” Agh! That was a good one!

The Vessel: /MJPXD - sick nick by the way - wrote: “Anthony Padilla: died by… chickwin. … Joulkink. … Chelkin?

Ian: Jelqing!

The Vessel: I don’t know what that word is! *verbal keysmash* Fuck!

The Vessel: /PageAshlyn wrote: “The lines on Anthony’s body are the failed attempts to find the clit.”

The Vessel: /Cecile(?) wrote: “We all know Josh can find the citorys-! (looks back down) …huh? … That’s what it read. Nevermind-

The Vessel: /CD4999 wrote: “Anthony is like if you took an image of every Johnas Brothers, compressed it into one and then made it into a JPEG, sounds like it too” *verbal keysmash*

The Vessel: /QR(?) wrote: “You might be wondering why it’s never Anthony and Ian - it’s actually because Ian always comes first” Oh! This is some good shit!

(Both Anthony and Ian are shown facepalming)

The Vessel: /Jenna wrote: “Hey Anthony, are you Keith’s cancer? Because I’m sure as fuck happy you’re gone” Aagh! That one hurt even for me!

The Vessel: /CJ wrote: “Smosh is (?) for mentally ill” That one hurt to say, CJ.

The Vessel: /(?) wrote: “Arasha loves the Bollywood movie “3 Idiots”. Funny enough, that's the equivalent of brain cells she has.”

(audience boos, shaking their heads in disappointment)

The Vessel: … It was more of a comment than a joke, my guy. Ughh…

The Vessel: /swagmoneypugs wrote: “The Chosen has baby nipples” *chortles*

(camera shows everyone turning towards Shayne to look at his chest and many of them comments that it’s true; he looks down with a sad face)

The Vessel: /anonymous wrote: “Ian is like if Chanse was gay”

(everyone is shown to be confused)

(Amanda gasps suddenly)

The Vessel: (deep breath) Oh! Thank God I didn’t have to say anything mean-!

(she starts gasping again)

The Vessel: When Anthony laughs, it kinda sounds like this: *fake-sounding laugh* It sounds like a dolphin on a first date, ugh-! Just kidding! That was me, I just did it in the voice.

(The Vessel walks down the podium and The Pastor replaces her on it)

The Pastor: Alright, *clap* let’s give it up to The Vessel (claps) … Wow. Frickin’... a lot of-... a lot of vagina jokes… which is fine.

The Pastor: Also, let’s give it up one more time for Shayne. (claps)

The Pastor: You know, both Shayne’s father and grandfather were pilots in the military, which explains why Shayne is able to go under the radar of Hollywood for so long.

(Shayne is shown covering his face as if in shame)

The Pastor: Well folks, we are nearing the end of this live and look! We didn’t have to make a single cringy-ass life video!

The Pastor: You see, Anthony made two of them - because after the first one, he had notes.

The Pastor: However… There was one more secret that was kept this entire time, and I think it’s about time for this secret to be uncovered. (to the audience) Are you guys ready for this? Are you ready?

(Everyone nods in confirmation)

The Pastor: …The secret is, that I was the hot one!

The Pastor: (in goofy excederated voice) Yeaah! That’s right! It was me! You don’t believe me?! You want proof?!! Okay! You’ll get proof! (pulls out a framed picture) This is Anthony as a baby!

(audience screams in shock)

The Pastor: That’s right! THAT (points at picture) is actually Anthony! This ice climber with frostbite was Anthony! This is The Hot One?! I don’t think so! What, was his mother’s womb full of bees?!

The Pastor: I mean, he’s got the- he’s got the hairline of a 50 year old construction worker! After I saw this photo, I had to google if Benjamin Button disease was a real thing! I… It looks like he’s cringing it- all the cringe content that he’s about to create! (puts the picture down) But really…- (picks it back up) I’ll just show it one more time, Jesus Christ. That’s- that’s bad. (puts it back down)

The Pastor: … *sigh* Okay, let’s never see that again.

The Pastor: Uhm, but now that it’s settled, I think we all can finally lay Smosh’s second hottest member to rest. But before I do that, I just wanna say, [insert quick genuine comment about Anthony]...- Oh, sorry. The writers put that in there for me, but I couldn’t come up with a nice thing to say… (shrugs) Sorry.

The Pastor: (turns towards Anthony) But- But seriously though, I feel so fortunate to have become your friend again. And, honestly, I probably would’ve still been working at Chuck E Cheese if it wasn’t for everything that you did for Smosh.

(Anthony is shown listening intently, tearing up a bit)

The Pastor: You are one of the hardest workers, you have such a great eye for content. I’m so proud to be down this path with you… (spreading arms towards Anthony)  I love you…?

(audience is shouting in surprise)

The Pastor: So… Now that it’s been all told, I think there’s just one more thing that’s left to do… *deep sigh* I have to show Anthony my cock.

(Ian starts walking towards Anthony, grabbing himself by the front of his pants)

(suddenly, Anthony sits up with a gasp)

.

The Dead

(Audience screams in shock and Ian stumbles back, as Anthony sits up in his casket. He stretches, yawing, then rubs his eyes)

The Dead: Sorry, got… water in my eyes, because… that was about to come out and it is… onion. Yeah.

(takes out a piece of paper and unfolds it)

The Dead: Good. All good… Woah! Thank you all so much for that! That was the most affordable version of “Undercover Boss” (looks sternly and points at everyone in a sweep, then tapps his ear) I’ve been listening the whole time.

(looks down at the paper)

The Dead: “While it’s honestly been so much fun etc.”

The Dead: First of all I just wanted to say, thank you for recycling the same three jokes, over and over. Um, before we bought Smosh I had a feeling this would happen and I wrote down a few… guesses of what you would talk about. Let’s see how many of those I got right:

The Dead: (reading off the paper) Something about my tattoos, something about my clothes, something about me leaving, something about me being vegan, something about my obsession with yoga, something about my dick piercing, something about my hair…

(the whole audience erupts into questions)

Chanse: Wai-wait, what was the last one?

The Dead: The hair.

Chanse: Before that!

Audience #1: The other one!

Audience #2: We need proof!

(everyone cracks up)

The Dead: Pretty much covers it, right? Uhm… Yeah, I really wrote that beforehand, it’s… crazy.

The Dead: I’m not gonna counter-roast. I’ll let you bask in- in what you just said and feel bad, for what you just said… Yeah.

The Dead: (snaps his fingers) Like (points) Shayne, for example. … You are funnier than Ian and me combined. … That’s like two Ian’s and ten me’s.

The Dead: I won’t talk about how you were once known for a promising TV career… and now you’re known for wearing a T-Shirt with limes on it. …

The Dead: And also I just want to say, I’m grateful for your laugh. You’re the only one that can laugh louder than me, and… you also remind us that Smosh Games was supposed to be funny.

The Dead: …

The Dead: …I’m not done, with you Shayne. I used to forget how to spell- I used to forget what your last name was. Entirely. But then, I remembered that you’re top-heavy, like a sexy dreidel.

The Dead: ... (snaps his fingers) Ian. I have so much to say to you in a second. But first… (points)

The Dead: Arasha. In the past six years that I’ve gotten to know you-

(audience is confused)

The Dead: Sorry, six months! I’ve been stalking you-. It’s been great to see you grow into your own voice at Smosh. But there is something… That I have been made aware of, that I’d like to address, now. Live. You’re in an ad for republican dating app…?

(gasps and yells of shock)

The Dead: …Where you essentially call guy a cuck for wearing a fanny pack?

The Dead: But don’t worry! Don’t worry, okay? I’m happy to let everyone know that we’re fully restructuring the vetoing process here at Smosh! … From now on we’re only hiring republicans. (hyping her up) Keep up the good work! Let’s go Brandon-!

The Dead: Rogers. … Brandon Rogers… is if the Joker bought a ring light. 

The Dead: When I describe our friendship to people, I describe it as … “friends that have done shrooms together” type of friends. Yeah… which means we were either really close or were on some YouTuber party and some YouTuber brought shrooms, and let’s just say - there is a huge difference between 10$ shrooms, and 1 million shrooms. Huge difference…

The Dead: (looks towards audience) That being said, don’t do drugs.

The Dead: But speaking of drugs - Keith.

(everyone bursts out laughing)

Keith: …What?

The Dead: Just want to say… it has been amazing, watching you go through this journey and I’m… so impressed for overcoming and surviving… that wasn’t easy. … Smosh’s 8 Am call times.

Keith: I- I- I get here at 8:15.

The Dead: You will always be an inspiration, and a hero… for being able to coast, for years, by saying Big Dick Bee one time.

Keith: ... *defensive* That’s iconic…

The Dead: Speaking of creatures that I need a flyswatter to fend off, Angela.

The Dead: I wasn’t here when you got hired, but I quickly realised that the word is a better place because you are here…

(some of the audience is cooing)

The Dead: If you were a teacher… kids would think 9/11 just happened. If you were a lifeguard… you would use fallopian tube as a live preserver. If you were a mortician, you would accidentally drink formaldehyde. If we’re keeping you employed, the world is a much better, safer place.

The Dead: But seriously, I’m so happy that you’re in a cast- That- That you were cast.

(Angela rolls her eyes and rolls up her sleeve, patting the cast she has on her left arm)

The Dead: Speaking of formaldehyde… Celsius Energy fan number one, Chanse

The Dead: Chanse, I’m so sorry I came back to Smosh and ruined your one joke, saying “Who’s Anthony?” over and over and over…

The Dead: But seriously, you’re like a little brother to me… (starts pulling out his phone) Which is weird, because you slide into my DMs, all the time?

Chanse: (Nodding proudly) I do.

The Dead: All the time!

Chanse: (shrugs) *smugly* You responded.

(Anthony does an offended face, while everyone is losing their shit)

The Dead: … Like the other day, for example, I post this selfie and you said:

The Dead: WOOF WOOF GRRRRR BARK BARK BARK WOOF WOOF ARF ARF GRRR GRRRRRR RUFF RUFF BARK BARK.

Chanse: (gestures at his neck) And where’s my collar?

The Dead: … Are you proud of that?

(Chanse nods)

The Dead: Speaking of pride, Tommy.

The Dead: Tommy, you are really, really, really special.

The Dead: ...

(people start laughing)

The Dead: That wasn’t the joke!

Audience: Oh, sorry!

The Dead: You’re… on a special list of members at Smosh… on camera, despite not being a cast member at all. (starts pointing at things) You… grey couch… red phone… and Spencer. …

The Dead: But seriously, I love how well you work behind the scenes and in front of the camera, I love that you’re an entertainer, and I love your personal YouTube show, serving… (looks down at the paper) where you serve… C-word…-

The Dead: (looks behind the camera) Am I- am I actually allowed… to say that…? (nods and gives thumbs up, presumably back) Good to go. (turns towards Tommy) Clinical depression.

The Dead: Also I heard you readed your wardrobe and you’re desperately looking for someone to… tell you look good, I hope you find that.

The Dead: Alright… Ian. Listen to what I have to say to Courtney.

The Dead: Courtney, we have known each other for so long, and since coming back to Smosh I was surprised how everyone grew and evolved - you’ve grown into such an independent creator. You directed this whole funeral - round of applause… (starts clapping)

(everyone cheers and claps)

The Dead: …But there are some glaring issues, if you don’t mind.

The Dead: Um, let me just say - the trailer was amazing, no notes. The show? Some notes.

The Dead: First off, I wanted to commend you directing in a bikini. I've heard Steven Spilberg did this on the set of “Jaws”. Right up there.

The Dead: Uhm, and your acting is really great and I’ve seen you have improved over the last years - you acted like you have never heard any of these jokes before, despite being in the all writers rooms.

The Dead: Also (points down), can I just note that this coffin is the most uncomfortable piece of shit I’ve ever sat in… I had to prop myself up this entire time with my… body, because otherwise I’m gonna fall off and break this flimsy piece of shit. 

The Dead: Uhm… I had to prop myself up just like… I have… My number one thing on Smosh is to prop you up. Remind you that you are talented AND funny, can you PLEASE stop doubting yourself?! … Can’t you just do it yourself? 

The Dead: Like, I have a lot important things to do- I have more important things to do… Like bouncing off this fucking ledge. I’m serious, my- my… dick has fallen asleep. … And I don’t know if it’s the coffin, or if the show is just boring for my dick, which… Which is weird because my dick is usually very engaged.

The Dead: But I should- I should give you some slack though, directing is a very tall order…

The Dead: Amanda.

The Dead: You are the warm hug of Smosh. And I mean that. When I hug- when I hugged you earlier it was very warm, did you piss yourself?

Amanda: … Yes. I didn’t have time to go-

The Dead: It is so warm!

Amanda: Yeah. I’m sorry about that.

The Dead: You have such energy it’s hard to put into words… but I will try.

The Dead: You’re like if… Jessica Rabbit drove a minivan…

Amanda: …Oh my God, I love that!

The Dead: You’re like, if Betty Boop listened to true- true crime podcasts…

Amanda: *clap* I fucking love it..!

The Dead: You’re like if Marge Simpson was Marge Simpson.

(Amanda is shown scrunching her nose in disgust)

Amanda: Ew…

The Dead: Speaking of questionable parents that keep eating disgusting shit all the time, Rhett and Link.

The Dead: When I was gone it was so comforting that Smosh was in hands of such capable leadership, and if you guys (?) that would be great. You saw Smosh through its most difficult days and you kept it Smosh alive so I could join up after I’ve done some growing myself.

The Dead: You’re like Smosh’s divorced parents, and… you should keep the kids, and by that I mean (points) Chanse. (shoos him away) Go on, go on! You can visit on weekends, you can call Link daddy now. Be careful! Watch out, he DMs!

The Dead: Which brings me to the man of the hour… Ian.

The Dead: One thing I know abou Ian is, he may have some problems showing emotions, and…

(Ian stares directly into a camera like in The Office)

The Dead: …And since I’ve known him for 24 years, I’ve learned that he just has a unique way of conveying them. I’ll explain it to all of you

The Dead: If Ian’s nervous… he hides it by subtly burping mid sentence. And it works! Nobody thinks he’s insecure, just that he’s disgusting!

The Dead: (turns towards the camera) Why don’t you ever cut it out by the way, “Oh, the video is too long-” Just cut. Out. All the burps!

The Dead: If he’s trying to impress someone… he’ll lie. 

Ian: Wha-?

The Dead: Okay, so fans may recall that in 7th grade-

(Ian rolls his eyes and throws his hands up)

The Dead: -I’ve told him that I’ve kissed a girl - and yes, this is coming up again - I kissed a girl, and Ian goes “Oh, I kissed a girl too! She goes to another school”... And also you may remember that, his first kiss was in my bedroom… while I was kissing my girlfriend-

The Dead: Don’t worry though, I did not look! I was busy. But I did hear some sounds, mostly asking her if he could kiss her-

(Ian is shown pinching his nose in exasperation)

The Dead: And don’t worry, Ian is a consent King! I heard every 3 seconds - can I still kiss you? Can I still kiss you? Are sure you wanna- *burps* -still kiss me?

The Dead: Another tell is when Ian wants to confront you, he’ll sneak around you. When we’re in highschool I found out he was hanging out with these two girls, at the mall, and he didn’t invite me-

(Ian facepalms)

The Dead: -Which is weird, because we used to hang out every single day. And when I confronted him, he said “every time you hang out with girls you date them”.

(Ian throws his hands up)

Ian: …True!

The Dead: But Ian… you should have invited me, I would have protected you. These girls made you buy skinny jeans that day… and I would’ve never done something so terrible. Skinny jeans were my thing back then, and 20 years after that.

The Dead: If Ian is lonely…- Ian is lonely if he third wheels with me and my girlfriend, and you can tell that Ian has a girlfriend… when he’s gone entirely. Yeah.

The Dead: But also… (pulls out his phone) when you got him you gotta lock him in, okay? You gotta lock him in because it’s really hard when you flirt with Ian. Here’s my impression of Ian flirting:

The Dead: Have you seen this? Have you seen this? (holds up his phone next to him with sad face, staring blankly forward)

(Sad violin starts playing loudly, as a guy says that “this is what people on Titanic might have sounded like.” Then the video plays sounds of people screaming in panic, with the sad violin still playing. This goes on for about 20 seconds)

Ian: Works, every time!

The Dead: (turns off the video) …It does.

The Dead: But for real, thank you, thank you, thank you so much. I really appreciate you welcoming- welcoming me back to Smosh, and I’m really proud of every single person here at Smosh, every person that's ever touched the show. Everyone that made this happen, turned this into the biggest event in Smosh history.

The Dead: I really appreciate all you, for showing me love, by roasting and berating me, I really appreciate it. 

The Dead: And, um… I’m just so grateful for you.

The Dead: Ian said when we bought back Smosh, “If we burn it to the ground, I’m happy to do that with you”...

The Dead: And after tonight… sounds pretty good, I’m gonna burn this place down.

The Dead: (points towards the corridor) You got- you all got five minutes to get the fuck out.

.

The End.

.

[svt-luna]

ʚིᵋ ⋆ INSTAGRAM UPDATE ࣪ ! ˓ ౨ৎ ࣪˖ ─── 240531: JxJ Allure

╰ ౨ৎ LUNA-VERSE MASTERLIST ╰ ౨ৎ luna’s instagram

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lunabae JxJ 💙 @/jeonghaniyoo_n @/allurekorea

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jeongnadaily CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH 🙌

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hanniehaeyo this is a pleasant thing to see first thing in the morning !!

boongboong17 can they get any more hotter?!

gyusshadow hello!? is this legal?! cause i feel attacked.

shua_aaa their face card NEVER decline, emphasis on the NEVER!

jeongashipper i might be delusional but the caption is doing things to me 🫠

jeonghaniyoo_n JxJ 💙

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↳ kpopopopie I cracked the code guys! JxJ = 💙 They are in fact dating!! (I am delusional)

woowonwoow ladies and gentlemen I present to you the visuals of Seventeen!

donquixote_17 they’d make beautiful babies (i said what i said and I meant what i said.)

meg_62762 their matching moles 🥺💕

↳ yeonieunnie they are not 100% identical but so distinct for the two of them 🥹

svt-luna don’t know why Shadow started playing my head after seeing this post 💙

kwanie_ss they are the definition of bi panic

cherrycheol can i be the third in your relationship? I am being so for real rn.

↳ jeongjigyu they already have a third

↳ cherrycheol who?

↳ jeongjigyu Mingyu

↳ svtisrighthere Kim Mingyu.

↳ caratdeeuull Gyu.

↳ harthartie_ The fact that this fandom collectively decided that they are a throuple is hilarious to me 😂 (i am in fact one of those people.)

lunadaily they devoured.

napipopeta the best duo I’m afraid.

mrsbae I love them together 💙

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