#lexx rants

[haunted-headset]

wilbur comforting reader after a nightmare? :0

…

(i tried to think of how to elaborate on that but i think i’ll just leave it up to you while my sleepy brain takes over LMAO)

🌙 I've Got You 🌙

a/n: this is such a cute idea wtf

tags: @zuuriell @somebody-v @vibestillaxxx @ax-y10 @joviepog@themonsterunderurmom @ogelizasoot @wilburstan@smolsleepykitten@funnyreally2009@crows-death@dykepunz@aresriiots@0miamor0@defonotval@chipch0p@mazzistar16@unmellowyellowfellow@justalittlebitofchaos@thosecolorfulsheets@vopix@taylors-version-from-the-vault@aine-lasagna@merianakross@veeislost@urfav-sapphic-siren@shazbaz58-blog @wifiatthetrainstation@mcr-pr-fob@shd454@rqvii@idioticion@m0thza@artistphantom @ace-call-me-what-youd-like @lexx-the-gay-rubber-ducky @finleyforevermore @poraphia @radio-to-trenchcoat-demons @mysticalsoot(let me know if u don't or do wanna be tagged!!)

word count: 613 (i need to write longer fics i feel like writing short fics is bad but oh well)

contains: reader having a nightmare, use of Y/N, crying, reader having a panic attack, reader thinking Wilbur left them, reader shows signs of depression & anxiety, reader has self-deprecating thoughts

You had awoken with a gasp as you tried to catch your shaky breath & stop your sobs. It was just a dream. A really, really bad dream.

Wilbur, in the dream, had gotten fed up with you. He had gone on a rant about how much of a terrible partner you were & how you were useless & a waste of skin; it was almost as if he had taken every single thought you'd ever had about yourself, soaked them in vitriol till it was dripping, & then spouted it out to make your ears bleed. It was a fear you always had. Maybe it did happen. Maybe he finally fell out of love with you. Maybe he never loved you. Maybe he--

"No, Y/N, that didn't happen," you whispered to yourself through the sobs. "Wilbur's right next to--" You looked over at where Wilbur was supposed to be in bed.

& he wasn't there.

& that's when all of the panic you've ever felt attacked you like a tsunami. You started hyperventilating & sobbing so hard to the point where you were seeing white & your head felt like it was being slowly drilled into & your brain was being turned to mush. Your heart didn't go one millisecond without beating so hard you swore you could see it beating out of your chest, & you were shaking so hard to the point where somebody could've compared you to a vibrating iPhone & nobody would be able to tell the difference.

In a desperate attempt to calm yourself down, you slowly got up & stumbled over to Wilbur's closet to grab one of his hoodies. You pressed the hoodie to your face as you stumbled back to bed & sobbed harder, the scent of his body wash & cologne, earthy & calming & perfect, still faintly there. What did you do? What did you do to make him leave you? You were aware that you were far from a perfect partner, & you were far from attractive, & maybe he had some sort of realization & decided that there were other, better fish in the sea to catch, leaving you at the bottom of the pond, away from the shiny, attractive fish that he was bound to catch.

"Darling?" his voice rang out & echoed against the walls, causing you to look up.

"Oh my God, honey," Wilbur, lovely, amazing Wilbur, whispered, practically jumping onto the bed to pull you into his lap & wrap his arms around you so tightly to the point where you thought you'd never be able to escape his embrace. Not that you were complaining, of course. "I've got you. You're okay, you're alright."

"Why're we crying? What's going on?" he whispered in your ear, rocking you back & forth & wiping your tears.

"I had a bad dream & I thought you left," you croaked through your sobs.

"Baby, I would never even dream of leaving you," Wilbur said. "You're everything to me. You're the reason I wake up in the morning. You're the reason I write songs & play music. You're the reason I'm still here." He kisses your cheek before continuing, "You're the Tori Spring to my Michael Holdman or whatever his name is."

"Michael Holden," you corrected with a tearful laugh.

He smiled at you. "There's my beautiful baby with their beautiful laugh," he whispered.

"Why weren't you in our room?" you asked.

"I was getting water, lovely," he said. "I wasn't leaving, not at all. I wouldn't even dare to think about it. I'd die without you."

"Promise?" you asked.

He linked his pinky with yours. "Swear on my life."

[squarebracketsmileyface]

Favorite current ship in regards to marble hornets and why you ship it? I'm curious 👀

Also have you watched any other slenderverse series other than mh?

Okay, I'm answering this as an excuse to talk about fun stuff, but like, you seem to go after people for drawing nsfw art of Tim?? Because he's like, canonically ace or whatever? So god knows why you're asking me about my favourite ships and shit, given what I write and post about. But I like yapping so I'm gonna yap anyway. But yeah, dude, ace people can fuck.

I am an ace person who fucks. And I have some crazy ass kinks.

Anyway, so, my favourite ship is weird, because I like to THINK that my favourite ship is Jam, but I'm just so very wrong about that and my actual favourite ship is Jaylex. It's my actual favourite ship purely because of sorry it's locked, honestly. I got to make them SO fucked up together, and that's just my favourite thing to write, incredibly fucked up characters being toxic and fucked up to each other, and to me Jaylex are so perfect for that. Neither of them are good people, neither of them are monsters, they both just incredibly fucked up people who don't know how to ask for help/think they can fix themselves without getting help or doing any of the work for it. And Jay being a character who I see as like, almost completely incapable of being vulnerable except through sex and kink is just so fun for me. I love exploring characters and their issues and stuff through smut fics, it's so fun to do "character studies through sex".

Thats how I see them anyway lol. Sorry it's locked has completely warped my sense of what's canon and what's not, like, I completely forget that sorry it's locked stuff isn't canon to MH sometimes 💀 (I'm trying SO hard not to go off on another rant about sorry it's locked and Jaylex. I love them so fucking much. They're so fucking toxic 🥰)

As for other slenderverse series I've watched, I watched and loved EMH, it's still one of my favourite series even though i only really write fics about it when they're vent fics (Vinny and Evan are just soooooooo easy to project onto, y'know?). I tried watching tribe twelve but just couldn't get into it (the observer/kevin is so cute tho) and my boyfriend and i recently watched most of Whispered Faith, but mostly just ended up sticking it out for Lexx, because she's fucking gorgeous.

Oh yeah I also watched mlanderson and I really liked that. AND [My movie 14] which was super cool and a newer one. These two are my favourites behind MH and EMH.

[sublimecatgalaxy]

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Female!Reader

Warnings: Swearing, angst, but happy ending.

A/n: This is a request for my theme night by @tee-swizzle "Argument/fighting + hidden injury- “whose blood is that?”

When Rafe first pulled up to my house at nearly two in the morning after texting me that he needed to talk, I wasn't really sure what to expect.

Maybe for me to pee in a cup, maybe for him to go on a rant about how much he hates his life, and I half expected him to be high out of his mind and unruly, untamable and angry.

I didn't expect this.

I alternate between baby wipes and alcohol wipes, trying to stop the deep gash on his forehead and he hisses beneath my touch as if I'm burning him with every dab of the cloths. There are tears streaming steadily from his eyes but no longer because of the pain but now out of pure frustration as he continues his silent treatment.

The only thing he's said to me has been 'hi' and 'I need your help' when he first stepped through my doorway and since then, it's been stone cold, stern radio silence on his end.

"Rafe, what happened?"

I have some ideas; his dad, Barry, maybe even one of his sister's Pogue friends if he made them mad enough. He has this ability to piss anyone and everyone else around him to the point of getting his ass handed to him even though nine times out of ten he puts people on the ground.

But this time, the submissive, broken look in his eyes tell me exactly who did this to him.

"If your dad did this, you need to tell me." He looks up at me with wide eyes, lips parting in a look of shock but it drops into a look of realization. "Who's blood is this? Is this yours?" I ask as I pinch the material of his shirt, looking down at the splotches of blood that must've been splattered on his shirt, someone elses blood.

"My dads..." He trails off, looking at it with wide, guilty eyes as he tries to pull his shirt off but to no avail. I help him lift it over his head as he groans and he pushes me away gently, making his way to his feet. "You can't make me talk about it-"

"Okay-"

"I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to be fucking lectured-"

"Rafe." He looks to me with wide eyes and I stand, reaching out to him gently to place my hands on his shoulders, massaging the tense muscles beneath my fingers. "Okay, we don't have to talk." He falls into me before I can even get the sentence out, his hands gripping my shirt and face tucking into the crook of my neck and I freeze, shocked at the sudden choice of affection.

But after a few moments, I relax into him, running my fingers through his air and whispering reassuring reminders into his ear that I'm here, that I'm not going anywhere and that no one will hurt him here.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- Taglist: @bubblebuttwade @rafelover2405 @leslienjazzy @sorceresss @grxnde-dwt @alex–awesome–22 @bunnietoof @niyamar1e @serialghost @plantlungs @geniusohn @akaliltimmytim @lilaalouuxx @xshariex @elliotsbeigeguitar @elle4404 @lelieja @srhxpci @joselyn001 @taysirene @spinkspanther @thedivineuphoria @peter-maximoffs @tsukishimawhore @poohkie90 @szlaco @distantsighs @nstyles4299 @wolflover384 @givemefoodandlovesstuff @vane28282 @yeswhatever33 @amirrahfranson @vvaalleennttiinna @f-mu @yaspillz @jeyramarie @skylievin@abbybarnes17 @jointherebellion215 @visiondaddy @steezysimfinds @its-ya-gay-boi-luigi @crunchytoenailsyum@glizzymcguirex @beth123lg @melovesmut @rafecameronswhore @ariianelle @write-from-the heart @vampviolets@haylee-e @honee-chai-tea @lokiandbuckywife

@officiallyunofficialperson@heyaitsklaudia@rosepetalsparks @bluetreecloud20 @scenesofobx @double-shot-of-tequila @1dluver13xx @colbysbrocks @iamasimpingh0e @loveshineslikethesky @id-3-kbro @diorsitgirl @errorfound101-allideasburnedout @neverwillknowme18 @ellyskey @taylors-folk @loversjoy @myaloveee @thyris-is @lagataprrr @aaaaslaaaan @witxhy-lexx @minjix @luvroseee @tee-swizzle @savageneversaw @admiringlove @hysteriahall @piceous21 @starlightandfairies @igotmajordaddyissues @drewstarkey-wife1 @manyfandomsfanvergent @revesephemeres @rafesbae01

[cosmoshiden]

Best space operas to watch that aren't Firefly

So while I have made long winded rants about how much I hate Firefly with a whitehot passion to death, one might ask are there space operas that I like? Well,I have quite a few actually. Now just sit back and allow me to make four of my recommendations!

Killjoys (2015-2019)- this series is one of my favorite space operas from the mid-2010s, as it has everything about it that is modernized for the time. It has space gunslingers, queer romance(s), alien invasion, space hippies, artificial intelligence computers with a sense of humor and more! The series is a live-action Cowboy Bebop, about a trio of space bounty hunters, who go on missions concerning loot retrieval, to assassinations, and of course, hunting down bounty heads. However, the series builds up to an epic storyline that entails a showdown with an alien invasion. It's also worth noting that this was an entirely Canadian production.

Dark Matter (2015-2017)-this series is Canada's answer to Firefly (much like Killjoys, it too is an entirely Canadian production). And like Killjoys, Dark Matter is concerned with some of the same themes above, though it never quite made it to its final 2 seasons worth of storylines. Nonetheless, Dark Matter is concerned with a group of space pirates/mercenaries who wake up from suspended animation with amnesia, and are off on a mission to put down a revolt. I would say that this show is philosophical in the concept of personal identity, especially if one who loses their memories is an entirely new person, and whether or not they are to be held accountable. Also, after watching this show, I came up with three rules which I like to coin as the Space Pirate Creed: Rule #1. Kill or be Killed; Rule #2. Get rewarded for your deeds, and Rule #3. Cowards and traitors are to be shot or spaced (thrown out the airlock). Why's this important? It's the rules the characters play by of course!

Starhunter (2000-2004)-now this Canadian space opera predates Firefly by 2 years, and actually lasted for 44 episodes over 2 seasons. While not as well known today, Starhunter is notable since it has many plot-beats that are reminiscent of Firefly. For one, there is an episode about a family trying to outrun a mysterious cadre which involves a child with telepathic powers (sounds like River Tam eh?!). Other similar episodes include an abandoned space outpost, that was left deserted because of an experiment that went awry, and gave a teen girl powers (similar to River once again). Now what makes Starhunter different from Firefly is that, it's set in a semi-realistic environment, in which space travel is limited to our solar system, spaceships are like cars that can travel between planets in a matter of days, and that it's mainly about space bounty hunters like Killjoys. Although, the plot is more about a group of space bounty hunters who are used as unwitting pawns for a shady corporate entity that seeks bounty heads who have telepathic powers.

Lexx (1996-2002)- A parody of Star Trek, Blake's 7, Space: 1999, and Space Patrol, Lexx is a Canadian space opera about a group of fugitives who hijack a dragonfly-shaped, semi-organic warship from a space dictator with the ability to reincarnate himself. The show ran for 4 seasons, and started off for the first 2 seasons in standard space opera fare with traveling to distant planets and cultures, and in the end the characters use the titular Lexx to blow-up the planet. Although, the last two seasons are a mixed bag. Most of its humor though, is derived from toilet humor and sexuality. However I do have to concede that some of its humor and situation are horribly dated which are transphobic and homophobic by today's standards as a warning. One of the highlights of the series would be how in season 2 when the show parodied slasher films! It's humor is not for everyone, though I do recommend watching it for how it does make fun of the space operas listed above!

And that's it for now!

[harmcityherald]

I started the cycle of chemo again Sunday night. Immediate dizziness, which I was already used to but last night was particular hell. my eyes have been getting worse all week. what started as itching and excessive watering has become unbearable discomfort and the bags that have formed under my eyes are quite remarkable. In my sleep last night I was running a fever and being soaked caused me to shiver uncontrollably. the thing with the eyes worries me because of my ankles last time. Im worried the eyes may be cancer related/exacerbated like the ankles were. time will tell.

I finished my discovery/strange new worlds run and I double down on it being some of the best star trek ever. I do have one criticism, Kirk. the new Kirk reminds me of dumphy from modern family. Not that I don't like dumphy, theres no dumpy hate happening here. Chris pine was better than that, he had some aloof, cool little spark you could see maybe yes this could be a young Kirk. that guy is too....dumphy. hard to imagine him inheriting enterprise. I know season 5 is going to be the last and a movie about section 31 sound great. Anyway it was nice to have some good sci fi to intersect my eternal watchings of Ds9 and voyager and my forever loyalty to babylon5. to come out with only one criticism is good. Im not even going to mention the musical episode Im still trying to block that out. they always gotta do that. even lexx had a Gilbert and Sullivan episode. maddening. In real life, in the middle of some world shaking crisis, if someone just starts belting out a song, I will physically strike you. even when they did it on lexx I was in the background saying " the dead do not sing" and Im a musician who is saying this. stop polluting our sci fi dilemmas with your tap and dance numbers. and change that Kirk. he looks like he'd be too at home on a golf course. too bad pike gets melted. he's a better captain. I mean that in a fictional context too. its like some greasy studio exec in 1966 said "nooo that captian is too good we need a cowboy womanizer from the Midwest so I can like something about this show." oh wait, thats exactly what happened. maybe it would have been a better enterprise with pike as originally written. who can say?

also with 5 being the last season I will be robbed of seeing kahn and the botany bay. and maybe Vger. That would be something wouldn't it? Dumpy meets Vger.

cant wait to see Michelle Yoeh come back in this section 31 movie. she was superb and you all know I have a weak spot for villainess'. my wife has adopted her as her new icon. my wife, who I nickname artemeshia. lol. Yes, I have a type. anyway that is my update review and ranting for the evening. carefully curated for political content. go watch some sci fi.

ciao~

[goddamnwebcomics]

Oh, now it’s Keith’s turn to have an awkward expression, and Mr. Bad Guy has a fucking enormous chin. Damn.

“Lexx is going to kill us” nah, Lexx is going to yell GO AWAY at all of you, then go on a jealous yandere boyfriend rant on Keith and then cry for five hours and refuse help from anyone that’s not Riley.

[lexosaurus]

wait what didn't you vibe with ultimate enemy

I dunno I think I was put off from the way Danny was treated for his “cheating.” Like, okay, the concept of TUE is cool. Very angsty and traumatizing. Right up my alley. 

My issue is that, doing some mild “cheating” (that, let’s be honest, wasn’t really even cheating. I mean, did Danny even look at the answers at all? Like really look at them? In any way that was more than just a passing glance?) doesn’t really warrant having to watch your future self murder everyone you’ve ever known and loved.

Yeah yeah cheating is wrong blahblahblah but idk I guess I just don’t see it as THAT big a deal (for reasons I will explain plz wait). Then again, you’re talking to someone who only passed high school physics because they cheated on EVERY exam. So, you know, now you know where my morals are at.

Idk I mean teach kids that cheating is wrong, but also how about we fund schools so they can actually hire adequate teachers to teach the material? Stuff like TFA is cool because it ensures that schools actually have teachers at all, but like, those teachers aren’t qualified for their positions. How the fuck is a kid supposed to learn math if their teacher was a goddamn International Relations major in college or something? The teacher sure the hell doesn’t understand what they’re talking about. What makes you think the kid is gonna understand that then?

I don’t think—rich parents college case aside—that kids cheat because they’re terrible people. I think they cheat because they’re desperate. Telling a kid that if they cheat in school then their parents will die and they’ll become a murdering criminal isn’t going to stop kids from cheating. Funding schools so they can buy textbooks and go to teacher conventions to get new lesson plans and hiring qualified teachers and giving funding to IEP programs so struggling students can get the extra help they need—those are the things that are going to stop the majority of kids from cheating. Not…whatever the hell TUE was.

No one enjoys going into an exam unprepared. Kids like learning, they like feeling smart, they like walking to school confident in the material. No one chooses cheating as their first go-to thing. Students resort to cheating when they’re stuck between a rock and a hard place and they don’t want their grade/future to suffer because of one bad test. And you know what can help kids not get put in these situations? Qualified teachers with plentiful resources and lots of books and a good network of support! Which many schools in the US are currently lacking.

Yeah I guess TUE just kinda rubbed me the wrong way for that reason. Again, I love the concept and the angst. I just hate they way they set it up. 

[thequeeralpaca]

Strangely specific autism things

Inspecting your (white bean) chilli super carefully, even though you made the chilli and know that no, that's a bit of green chilli from the Rotel, it's not a mushroom, but every time you see another one you Have To Be Sure?

Just me? Ok...

[thineriddler]

Tourist are so stupid. I swear, they go on vacation and their brains...just...turn off? Like, we get there at 9 to start turning things on and double checking rides to make sure they're safe. We don't open til 10, it's advertised that way. They're told this.

Yet, every day when they see us start opening at 9, they come over wanting to ride an we tell them we're no open til ten. That we have to make sure it's safe and do test flights. And ever day they see us start testing the flight at 930/945 and they start making they're way over. Asking if we're open. And every day we tell them that no, we're doing test flights we don't open til ten.

Then this lady today is like "uh, I know I'm just watching" and then does the walk of shame back to her seat. Then they start piling by the gate and we still don't open for ANOTHER FIFTEEN MINUTES. And they just keep asking when we open. When is the next flight. Like? Don't talk to me til ten. Fuck you at this point. I understand if you're new and ask ONE time. But over and over? Ugh.

[spacenerdb0i]

What some of my ocs would post on tiktok

Uri: no context chaotic memes + stale but somehow hilarious reaction videos to literally anything

Ura: “fit of the day” videos

Raphael: overly sexual fitness vids + dieting advice + book recs

Michael: just all stories about things his bf did that are so average but he acts like they’re the cutest most best things in the whole world

Amelia: vids of her shredding a guitar or playing along to songs

Celeste: nature videos

Nakir: vids teaching/talking about dead languages

Ariel: literally anything and everything, as long as he enjoys making the content.

Lexx: super homoerotic, borderline pornographic photoshoots (with his OF linked always)

Tatsu: literally a million hacks on how to spice up cup ramen

Feng: metal working vids, training vids, and really cringe “alpha male” how-tos

Meihui: “get ready with me” videos of her just getting into her various elegant hanfu

Enji: wouldn’t have one; he’s too old.

Niko: things she colored + vids of her playing with dolls.

Gwynn: fire dancing, tips on how to spice up cheap food, random vids of him walking down the street smoking at 3am, drunk rants

Ferris: random fun facts about animals, scary stories/conspiracy theories

[pyramidhead316]

Mon-El Sucks (Or how the staff at CW will bend over to please a formerly misogynistic, now self-entitled white man)

So, I’ve just heard that Supergirl will travel into the future to be with Mon-El, in the series finale.

MOTHERF*CKING CHRIST!

Jesus, is stupidity a requirement for working at The CW? This is literally the worst decision they could have done!

The reason Kara left to go to the future in the DC “Justice League” animated universe was to go be with Brainiac-5. BRAINIAC-5!!!

Who here is very much in love with Nia, and not leaving the present anytime soon, I assume. There’s no need for Kara to go to the future!

And what happened to William?! I thought Kara was supposed to fall in love with him this season! Sure, he’s not as good as Lena or Lucy, or someone like Ted Kord, if they ever let him make an appearance, but goddamn at least he’s not as bad as Mon-El!! F*ck, I can’t believe I’m actually rooting for Kara to fall in love with William here, just so we can avoid this shitshow!

Jessica Queller, I don’t know what kind of lady hard-on you have for, or if you wish you could be married to the character himself, or if you want in on Melissa and Chris’ marriage, but enough’s enough. Just because Melissa and Chris are married in real life, doesn’t mean the characters themselves have to be married in the show! Ben Browder was married to his wife all during the filming of “Farscape”, but John Crichton and Aeryn Sun remained the premiere couple all throughout the series!

Here are my full Twitter posts on it:

“Ugh, I just heard the rumor that Supergirl will go to the future to go be with Mon-El. They just can't let that piece of shit go, can they? Mon-El, who dumped his insanely hot, brilliant, sweet wife to chasing after his former girlfriend.

The whole reason Supergirl left for the future in the DC animated universe was to be with Brainiac-5. BRAINIAC-5! Who here is in love with Nia, and presumably not leaving the present. There's no reason for Supergirl to go to the future!

Good idea, Kara. Go to the future, where all your family is dead and you don't know anyone! (Except for Winn.) And it's still not Krypton! And now you have to use a time travel machine to go back and forth, in order to visit them.

I realize that Melissa and Chris are married in real life, and with a child. And I'm glad for them. (Honestly.) But the whole show doesn't have to revolve around fuckin' MON-EL!! It's called "Supergirl", not "The Mon-El Show". We didn't sign up for this.

I get the feeling this is one of those seasons that the majority of fans will end up disowning. Like that garbage 9th season of "The X-Files", that destroyed the show. Or like I do with "Lexx" and most of season 4, except for "The Game" and the finale.

There, my rant is done. As far as I'm concerned, "Supergirl" ends with season 5, with Kara continuing to work with Alex and Lena to take down Lex Luthor. This is just some alternate timeline, with a less brilliant Kara who isn't quite as bright.”

There, I’m done. Also, isn’t the whole point of the future that superheroes such as Kara aren’t really needed as much anymore, with the Legion of Superheroes being around, since they can pretty much simulate any power with their Legion rings? So, Kara is going to the future to be...less useful?

Maybe she just misses the advanced technology. It must be so hard to make do around the house without those advanced toilets. It’s like condemning Captain Kirk or Captain Picard to live in the 20th century, I guess.

There is so much wrong with this, with this plan the CW has cooked up, that I don’t even know where to begin. *shakes head*

Jessica Queller, I don’t want to say you’re as dumb as a bag of rocks, but you’re as dumb as a bag of rocks. And what’s going to happen with Alex and Lena? Don’t tell me they’re going to kill Alex and Lena, too?! That would be the only reason for Kara to leave, if she no longer has any family residing in the present.

God, I hope not.

I guess this means Alex should hook up with Lena now, and we should change our primary pairing, since it’s obvious Kara isn’t worthy of Lena now? She’s not quite brilliant enough for Lena, it’s pretty obvious now.

[haunted-headset]

omfg i need to RANT about this song gives me the fucking FEELS

tw: mentions of SH & depressive episodes

when i was going through a really bad depressive episode, I couldn't find a *single* song or artist that actually wrote songs about what it actually feels like to have depression. It was all "i'M sO eMo BlAaH i HaTe PeOpLe RaAa 💀😖🖤" & it was so obvious that they thought being depressed was a quirky little personality trait. It never felt *real*. & then I saw this song & I cried from the joy who hearing a song that was quite literally somebody recording what goes on in my mind during a depressive episode & turning it into a song.

"I look so much better, so I guess I'm alright" = Before I first heard this song, I was flooded with people telling me how much happier I seemed compared to last year, & how I looked more upbeat & less tired & dead. & I was a bit better, but I wasn't completely happy. & I was convinced that I had to be happy because everybody thought I was happy. This all applies to "I don't know if I can get better for you" because I was also plagued by this idea that I *had* to get better, I *needed* to get better because I needed to be the comic relief & the happy one in the friend groups, or everybody would leave me.

"My head is burning like a machine, tryna cool it down I figured I'd have gotten used to this by now" = One of the many factors that led me to a depressive episode was being really overworked & overwhelmed. I was working as a junior counselor at a BGC for zero pay, & the staff treated us like we weren't there, & the kids were either too touchy, or they were awful. Kids in the group that I worked in were either clinging onto me at all times & not letting me get a second of personal space, or they were screaming & being rude to me. & when I would discipline them, I turned into the "mean counselor" that none of the kids liked. I would've gotten a cash reward for "Best Jr. Counselor" if it wasn't for a few kids who thought I was a monster for telling them to act. & I thought, at the time, that this was really weird because back in 5th grade, I was also a Jr. Counselor, & I loved it! I was never stressed when doing it & I could handle it. & I had dealt with similar situations. &, call me cringe or cliche, but that's when I realized I was a burnt-out "gifted kid," the one who went from all the parents thinking I was responsible & a great counselor to being told off by my boss for being "rude" to the kids.

"I've gotten nearly everything I ever hoped I'd have So why am I still sad?" = At the time before the depressive episode, I was convinced my life was perfect. I had decent grades, a friend group, good art skills, teachers who loved me, & creative ideas 24/7. & when these started to slip away, I was in severe denial & I had convinced myself that I still was the perfect gifted child, so there was no reason for me to be sad over all of this.

"I tear myself in half" = I really *was* tearing myself up during this time. I was screaming at myself in the mirror & hurting myself whenever I messed up or didn't do something correctly.

"I didn't think that it would ever get this bad" = When I was younger & I first learned about self-harm & depression, I thought that would *never* happen to me. After all, why would you voluntarily hurt yourself? I would *never* be that sad. & then when it finally happened, I was shocked because I didn't think it would ever get that bad.

@zuuriell @somebody-v @vibestillaxxx @crows-death @r0ckstardr3amgal @ogelizasoot @lexx-the-gay-rubber-ducky @mochamuff1n im now torturing you all with my insanity :)

anyway sorry bout that lil rant :)

[lexosaurus]

Yeah, go Lexx! I believe in you! Achieve your fitness goals!

Yeet yeet thank you!

I just get really sad and depressed thinking about the fact I can’t do pull-ups or dips anymore. I can’t scale walls, I can’t pull myself up a rope. And holy shit those take a long time to train to. Like months of consistency and dedication, especially for women, who have weaker natural upper body strength to men.

I see posts go around sometimes on Tumblr about how boys and girl’s athletics shouldn’t be split by gender, because if girls work hard they can achieve just as much as guys. And like that’s always really irritated me because the people writing those posts have no clue how much training and hard work it takes women to achieve a lot of the same milestones as the guys. Men can train for a month and do five pull ups easily. Another month for dips. Another few months for full muscle-ups. For women? It takes months of constant training to just do one pull up. It’s fucking hard. And if you lose it? You godda start all over again. Scaling an 8ft wall for a 6ft guy with a few months training is nothing to write home about, but when I was at the Spartan Race I was one of the few women in my time slot to even attempt it.

This kinda turned into a rant lol but yeah I’ve been working hard and by the beginning of summer, according to my Plans™️, I should be able to do at least one unassisted. I’ll post a vid once I can do all 5!

[lexosaurus]

I just reblogged that fitness goals ask and added my own rant and forgot to say YOU GOT THIS!!

Omg thank you so much! Also I read your rant and I’m very glad you responded too! You get it so much!! And tbh I think most athletes would agree too.

Honestly I feel like the people who advocate for mix-gendered sports are people who played for their town’s recreational soccer league as a kid (no diss on this btw—I played for the Blue team as a kid lol) and think that’s the end all be all for athletics. They think cuz they played a town sport, they understand all sports.

But like, NAH, not reality!

Example: Wall scaling (lol everything keeps coming back to this for me)

How To Scale A Fucking Wall, by Lexx

For Men: (assuming you’re a rightie) Take a running start to the wall and push against it in an upwards motion with your right foot. Guide your body with your left hand against the wall, using your left foot if needed for extra height. Grab onto the top of the wall with your right hand, and then place your left hand on the top of the wall so your body is dangling by your arms. Proceed to do a simple full muscle-up, pulling your body up using your arms until your torso is above the wall. Place feet under you and continue on.

For Women: (assuming you’re a rightie) Take a running start to the wall and push against it in an upwards motion with your right foot. Guide your body with your left hand against the wall, using your left foot if needed for extra height. Grab onto the top of the wall with your right hand, and then place your left hand on top of the wall so your body is dangling by your arms. Plant your toes against the wall under you so your knees are bend in a rock climbing “rest” position. Keeping your arms extended, “walk” up the wall until you can safely hook your left leg over the wall. Use your leg and lower body to pull your torso over the wall. Shift your body around and continue on.

They are different. This is fine. This is fucking normal. Doesn’t mean women can’t do the men’s version, (ever see American Ninja Warrior?) it just means that the women who can do the men’s version are not the norm for female athletes. They’re the outliers. They are mostly made up of professionals who have sponsors and live this shit. The average athlete with a job and school and a life who can only spend an hour max in the gym daily? Probably just gonna stick with their strengths.

Omg this whole thing got me HEATED lol. 

[thequeeralpaca]

Sick of life. Sick of dealing with this awful world we live in. Don't want to do this anymore. But don't want to hurt my parents, so can't kill myself. Stuck in this endless holding pattern until things get better or there's no one left for me to hurt. Ugh.

[thequeeralpaca]

I need someone to eat me out so goddamn bad