#like I can speak better German than I can write because the grammar fucks me over

[doubletalkingmaeve]

I want to learn French badly (I studied it in school and didn’t get very far) but my professor says that I should focus on mastering my German before moving onto a new language

[zentraex]

Summary: You made a lot mistakes in your new job, but do you regret them? Nope, not a bit. But who can blame you for it? If you wouldn't have done them, you never would have met this pretty boy.

Remember: German Grammar is a lot different then English grammar. I apologize for any mistakes.

Pairing: Francis Mosses (doppelganger) x gn! Reader

(A/N): I usually write for mha, but this men dominates my fyp on TikTok and I can't stop grinning like an idiot about all this fanarts. My men is just too attractive for his own good. Nevertheless, Tumblr has too few fanfictions for him, so I had to do it myself. Still, I am not that proud about how it turned out. It certainly sounded better in my head, but I don't care. One shitty fanficion is better than none.

Art by @asteriscks on TikTok

This game is not mine, but Ignacio Alvarado. I also used phrases from the game.

Mistakes? Yes, but no regrets.

It's been a week since you started working for D.D.D as a doorman. 

You can remember your first day so well, it could have been yesterday. 

Well... probably because your life is constantly at stake. 

_

It started with a mistake that you ended up here. It was completely unexpected since you always made sure, that you sent your rent to the right account. 

Surely no one can blame you for a small typo, right?

Well, your landlord, who kept pounding on your door until you woke up, surely did.

"What?" you asked, annoyed, as you opened the door.

"When do you plan to finally pay your bill? The date has already been overdue for two weeks!" he complains. 

What?

"Sorry, but I've already transferred my money to you."

"Well, I didn't get anything. Do you still have the receipt for the transfer?"

"No..."

You already knew what that meant: double payment.

"Look, today, I'll transfer it to your account again, okay? If it doesn't work this time, it's not my fault."

You were about to close the door, but your landlord had other plans when he held the door open with his foot.

 "No no no. You will give me the money now. I don’t trust you. Why would you transfer it to me today, when it should have happened two weeks ago. You will give it to me now."

Your eyes widened. 

Now?

"But I don't have that much money in my hand? Who's got that?"

"Then I'll have to kick you out for now. But don't worry, no one is going to buy an apartment here anytime soon, so you can move right back in as soon as you give me the money."

Staring stunned at his smiling face you could have sworn you were about to hit him. 

"The keys?" 

With watery eyes, you grabbed your keys, placed them in his outstretched hand, and frowned.

What kind of person had such sharp fingernails as he does?  

You were sure that he could definitely have stabbed someone with them.

Thank God, I didn't hit him. 

"When do you plan to give me the money? I've heard that all banks closed today. Some kind of holiday among them, I've heard."

What!?

How were you going to get through the day today? You intentionally left everything in your apartment since you were so sure that you could have given the money to your landlord in a matter of minutes. 

"You’re telling me this now!?"

"If you had paid, you wouldn’t need to know." 

That filthy bastard.

No matter how angry you were at that moment, your panic was overweighting.  

What were you going to do now? 

Shit.

"Man, I really wouldn't want to be in your situation...", the landlord murmured.

Fuck the nails- This guy deserves a punch.

Just as you raised your fist, he speaks again.

"But maybe we can agree on something.

Then you stopped. 

"The D.D.D., which is responsible for the safety of all residents in this area, is looking for doormans. Ours has recently...quitted, which is why we are urgently looking for one. They pay three times the amount of your rent in a week. If you take the job, I can overlook your sloppiness this time."

Three times your rent? In a week? And for what? To sit there and check a few documents. You'd be crazy not to take the offer! 

"Okay. I'll do it. Where can I apply?"

"Don't worry, I'll sort it out for you. Tomorrow, you can start”

_

Looking back, it should have been clear to you that something was wrong. Starting with the sudden his sudden threat, the fingernails and this stupid story about the holiday of the banks. 

Maybe it was just because you were too panicked at that moment to think rationally.

But let’s be true here: when are you thinking rationally? If you did, you would certainly have quitted after your first day.

_

"Welcome and congratulations on your new job."

After watching the short video, a man in the yellow suit came to your window. You are so shocked that you can’t even answer.

I'm going to die today!

After all, you know it yourself: you're too gullible for the job. There's no chance you'll unmask a doppelganger who copies someone well.

“As you could see on the introductory film, your job is to verify the entry of the neighbors of your building. Each day there will be a list of individuals who will request entry to the building. It is possible that there are individuals who request entry and aren’t on the list. In which case you will mark on the checklist that they are not on the list and proceed to question the individual. Also, you must verify that the ID and the entry reqest are correct and have the respective D.D.D. logo. Don’t forget to also check the expiration on the IDs. Remember it’s Febuary 1955."

Your gaze wanders to the note that was stuck to the wall. 

Arnold Schmicht F02 – 01

Anastacha Mikaelys F02 – 04

Robertsky Peachman F01 – 02

Steven Rudboys F03 – 03 

Mia Stone F03 – 01

Rafttellyn Cappuccin F03 – 04

Admittedly, you don't know any of your neighbors, neither by character nor really by sight. You were never the type to care about your neighbors. 

"I wish you good luck."

C’mon Reader, be like Henry…

But better.

The first inhabitant was Mia Stone and you already started to sweat.

"Good evening."

Was she real? Was she a doppelganger? 

With shaky hands, you reached for her ID and entry pass, only to find that everything was fine. She was also on today's list and her appearance doesn't show any deviations either, right?

Just to be sure, you looked into the folder that described her appearance: 

Long hair

Small round nose

She has freckles

...

...

...

Freckles?

Your eyes wandered again to the woman in front of you, who was waiting patiently behind the window. 

You narrowed your eyes a little and leaned forward to get a better view of her.

No matter how long you stared at her, you didn't see them, her freckles. 

"You look different...", you murmur after a while.

"What's wrong with my appearance? I think everything is fine with my appearance."

Her photo on her ID and Entry Pass both have no freckles. 

Perhaps a mistake on the part of the D.D.D.? 

You're about to press the green button, but then you see her grinning slightly out of the corner of your eye. 

Shit. 

She almost had you. You're really not made for this job.

Your hand slammed hard against the red button, causing the siren to blare and the metal window to crash down. 

"3312," you murmur to yourself.

"You have contacted the D.D.D.. A group of agents has been sent to your building. Please wait for the cleaning protocol to run."

Cleaning protocol? 

What happens to those who were cleaned? They certainly won't be killed, will they? 

What if they will?

What if your judgment was wrong?

What if...

Your thoughts were interrupted as the siren fell silent and the metal window went up, only to reveal the yellow man.

"Cleaning protocol completed. You can continue your job."

It took a while until someone finally came again. 

This time, your heart was pounding faster. Significantly faster. And this time, you can't even say for sure that it's all out of fear. 

Milkman...

You definitely can't deny it: he's probably one of the most attractive men you've ever seen. 

You don't even have to look at today's checklist to tell he's not on it – a face like his would have caught your eye right away. 

"Francis Mosses, huh?" you murmured to yourself as you looked at his ID. "You're not on today's list."

"I’m not on today’s list because I had to leave due to an emergency."

Long nose

Thin chin

Tired eyes

Short hair

Wears a hat

It all fit. The only thing left now was a call. 

Just as you began to spin the wheel of the phone, he said, "You're new here, aren't you? I've never seen you here before."

"Yes, today is my first day."

"Must be hard, huh? I've heard that more and more doppelgangers are appearing and they are becoming more and more error-free. It would be a shame if such a pretty face as yours were to disappear forever."

Your cheeks turn red and suddenly you feel shyer than you actually are.

"B-But your job has to be hard as well. I didn't think that being a milkman would rob you so much sleep."

Francis smiles a little. So little that you almost didn't see it at all.

"It's not. I just stay up for a very long time. If you like, I can bring you some milk sometime. It's refreshing, calms the nerves."

You bite your lip slightly when you have to refrain from a question.

What milk do you mean exactly?

My God, why were you just such a sucker for handsome men?

"I'd be delighted, Francis."

You talked to him for a while and you quickly forgot that you were actually going to call someone. 

"I'd like to talk to you more, but I don't want to stop you from your work. I'll see you tomorrow, right, Reader?"

And you quickly forgot that you never told him your name. 

You pressed the green button.

_

"Shh," whispered the voice of Francis next to your ear. 

It was your third day, your third time to change shift.

Well, it usually would have been.

Your vision and mouth were blocked by the bloody hands of the doppelganger who claimed to be Francis.

He had killed the doorman, that should have taken over your shift.

You had to admit, that you were more than inconsiderate. After all, you didn't ask for his entry pass, nor the reason why he wasn't on today's list.  

"I'll let you go now, yeah? No wrong move, okay?"

He laughed softly as he released his hands from you and turned your chair, so you were facing him. 

"We don't want to hurt you, do we, Reader?"

The sentence shouldn't have given you hope, because after all, you were more than sure that you were going to die one way or another.

Maybe you should have shown a little resistance. For your honor, but....

Oh?

He is so close to you that you can practically feel his body heat. Or was it your own? Your face, despite your situation, was burning. 

Even though he said he was letting you go, his hands ran over your body and you couldn't deny that it did something to you. 

Were you so shameful?

"Actually, I wanted to wait, but I couldn't take it anymore.  I've been patient long enough, haven't I? It was so much work for me, to let you get this job."

You didn't know what to say. Honestly, you didn't know if you would even be able to answer him. 

His breath touched your throat as he spoke, "I think I deserve this, don't I? What do you say, Reader? Do I deserve my reward?”

If you were going to die anyway, why not enjoy the last few minutes?

Regardless of whether he was a doppelganger, he had lived up to his title as "Mlikman" that night.

_

"You killed the real Francis Mosses?" you asked the next day. 

Francis grins, almost so much so that his real form was threatening to show itself.

"Yes, of course. What would have happened if he had come before me? You would have sent the D.D.D. after me."

Well, he had a point, huh?

No matter how wrong it was, you were glad it didn't come to that. 

You didn't know the real Francis Mosses. That's probably why his death was so insignificant to you.

"Have you killed more people?"

"Just more doppelgangers you let through."

Your eyes widened. 

You were so sure you caught them all. The false success was the reason why you didn't quit…well, it was one of the reasons.

"How many have I let through?"

Francis just continues to wear his smirk as he gives you a kiss on the forehead.

"Don't rack your pretty head over it, okay?"

You just nod, smiling.

"Are you going to kill others...?

You don't know why you added your next question. Probably because you wanted to feel special. 

"Would you kill for me?"

"Hooooonn"

When you turn your gaze to his face, two white pupils stared at you and his grin is inhumanly wide and black. 

You don't know if it's joyful or sadistic, but it definitely made you feel special.

_

Looking back, you made more than a few mistakes. 

But honestly? 

You don't regret a single one of them. After all, all of them have led to an all-too-familiar knock on your window.

When you look up, he waves, the milkman. 

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Yet another “I'm more non-speaking/nonverbal than I thought” post.

Hi. This is Nico. Our body is autistic. When I first found that out I thought we were “high functioning”, because we weren't as disabled as others seemed to be. But we were just very high masking at the time, & the mask is peeling off in painful layers.

I perfected my ability to write from 5 years old till now (we're 23), in part because speaking aloud is difficult. (But I thought everyone struggled to speak words & that I just....wasn't dealing with it well.) Because of that, this will be written in much better grammar & clearer words than I am capable of aloud right now. That does not mean I can speak aloud, nor that autistics who can't write like this don't exist or aren't super valid. That also doesn't mean I won't use wrong words sometimes, because I do still mix up words or have an inability to find the word I mean.

That disclaimer aside....

I thought I was hyperverbal. Because we also have ADHD & C-PTSD, the tism didn't seem to affect our speaking much.

The hyperverbal speech was part autism mask, part ADHD hyperactivity (or, externalized symptoms to be more accurate), & part PTSD (got abused & punished for not speaking).

I am currently medicating my ADHD with a balance of sugar & caffeine that works short-term. (I will eventually seek actual meds but there's a shortage right now & I am a tired bitch who doesn't wanna deal with doctors right now.)

I was trying to sing along to my music playlist. That's typically one of my most reliable self-soothing tactics. Even as we've started unmasking the tism, I didn't notice much difference in my singing—as long as I'm singing with backup music, I can still sing when words otherwise don't wanna work/translate/etc.

It came out in soft babbles, “bah bah bah” (lip taps with air), “bleh bleh bleh” (basically just tongue taps with air), & faint humming. I could follow the general beat/tune of the song, but couldn't make any of the lyrics come out.

This followed a session of flirting with my autistic girlfriend, & her making me laugh nonstop for a solid 20mins, until my brain decided “I'm safe right now” & words failed me. My mouth wouldn't do it.

I can still make noise in my head. Some of my thoughts are words (in a jumbled mix of the languages I know (Spanish & French, & bits n pieces of Norwegian/German/Italian/Irish Gaelic/Russian/Greek)). But most are pictures, feelings, vague concepts that I couldn't translate if I tried. None of the thoughts, even the ones that are words, will come out of my mouth. I can't make them come out.

That said, after around 20mins of incoherent noise I was able to sing along again not by understanding the meaning of the words or by saying the words, but by mimicking just the sounds. Ignore that it's a word, let the meaning float in nonexistence, & I can repeat the sound. But I don't know what the fuck I'm saying when I do that, because I can't think the meaning or process the words at the same time as I mimic it.

And that's the same reason that I sing almost exactly the same notes, accent, tone, etc. when I sing, 99% of the time. I'm just mimicking—I'm not actively singing. In order to actually sing, I have to wait for my brain to have enough processing power to spare to not mask, not mimic, process the words, process everything around me (lights, sounds, etc.), associate the words with something or someone, preferably a memory (usually it's my girlfriend who comes to mind right now, but sometimes it's family or friends), AND still make the words come out like they actually mean something. And that takes...so much out of me.

I can't make meaningful words happen right now. Just meaning-detached sounds.

So...yeah.

I thought I had no problems with speech. I thought words were just “a little difficult sometimes”. But I can only word so much in a day before I run out now, & I mean hard stop, ‘can't even mask to save my life’, can't talk to my loved ones, ✨run out✨. My girlfriend pointed out I'm unable to word speech more often than I'm able to now, & suggested I might be more non-speaking than I realized. Because I can usually word inside my head, for most of a day (especially if I take a nap), but I cannot word aloud for more than 2 or 3 hours if I'm not masking, & my mask starts glitching & breaking (stutters, wrong scripts, etc.) after about 5 hours at work now.

So I was never high functioning. I was destroying my brain to mask, & now I'm so burnt out & destroyed from what I did mask through that I can't even mask most of the time. I am now “high support needs” (incorrectly dubbed “low functioning”) autistic, because of how masking destroyed me.

Once I graduate college with a degree that lets me get a job where I can be myself (preferably my own boss), I will never be masking ever again. I can't. It's so taxing.

Speaking isn't supposed to be hard. It's also not supposed to be an act of mimicry 24/7 (sometimes it is mimicry, but not this much). And this is news to me, and I am devastated for child me who thought he was just not trying hard enough or was broken or was just missing a tool.

He was always disabled. We were always disabled. I will honour that disability now, to the best of my ability. Because I love him, because we're worth it, because I shouldn't have to pretend to be neurotypical & able-bodied when I'm not, because that little kid deserved better.

I will learn other ways to communicate. I will learn other languages, but also non-word ways. I don't always have to speak.

And that's okay. I'm allowed to be disabled.

So into the future we grow.

~Nico

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #367

“i should warn you that you may fuck me, but chances are i’m gonna fuck you over”

Where was the last place you went for vacation? The beach. When was the last time you wore makeup? Halloween. Do you watch soaps or drama series? If so, which ones? Not currently. What’s your favourite tomato variety? I hate tomatoes. What was your very first pet like? Dad had a dog named Trigger when I was born, but I have no memory of her, so I'm excluding her. I consider our first family pet to be Chance, a cat my mom took in after finding her literally in the trash. She was... god, incredible. She was a loyal friend, and I can imagine no greater mother than she was (she legit fought off a rottweiler head-on to protect her kittens). She was so smart, so gentle, and just simply amazing. I'll always miss her. What was the best school project you remember doing? Looking back, despite the fact it TERRIFIED me before, that would be my senior project presentation. It was about snake misconceptions and fallacies, so I made a slideshow to present to the special ed class. I made drawings for them to color, word searches, all that kind of stuff. They were just the sweetest and seemed really into it. What’s your favourite type of fish to eat? None. What kind of an old person do you think you’ll become? I really... don't like thinking about this. Like I'm weak enough now at 25, I can't imagine how my, say, 60s would be. I hope and just about pray that my physical health will improve, but I'm just going to exclude that part entirely from this answer. Personality-wise and such, I have a feeling I'll be the quiet and sweet kind, the one that loves her (hopeful) spouse like crazy, and comes most alive on Halloween if I live in a place where children come trick-or-treating. I imagine I would LOVE that. I'd love to be the type that goes on morning jogs to help stay spry. Which well-known person’s death shocked you the most, if any? Steve Irwin and Chester Bennington might be tied. Both were so, so sudden. Steve was like, invincible to my childhood eyes, and when I heard about Chester's death, I thought it was just a sick rumor. Two amazing people that died way too soon. What’s the craziest colour you’d dye your hair? That would depend on personal opinions. I want to dye my hair LOTS of colors though, if that tells you anything. What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? Uhhhh. Idk. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus. It's a pretty short game if you know what you're doing, and it's super relaxing to me and just so goddamn pretty to look at. Every time I've played it has just been a pleasant experience. Do you like meatloaf? Yeah, it's fine. How about Meatloaf? I know who he is, but I've never really listened to his music. Do you take time to do charitable work? If so, what do you do? No. ;_; Especially with all the free time I have, I really should... What is something that will make you laugh instantly? Okay, don't ask, but if I for a SECOND see that commercial of Mr. Clean dancing while he's cleaning, I will die because of memories. What is something you hope you will never inherit from a specific relative? Diabetes. It runs heavily in my family. Name a movie you wouldn’t watch solely based on its name: The Human Centipede. No. Thank you. Have you ever played in a stack of hay bales? No. What’s your dearest souvenir? The stuffed moose I got at Cabela's during a visit to Ohio. I named him Brownie, and he was my "childhood plushie" we all have. Is there a lot of graffiti around your neighbourhood? Not in the actual area I live in, but there are DEFINITELY places where it's a pigsty of distasteful shit. Have you ever made your own soda? (Soda Stream doesn’t count!) No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Have you ever been part of a theater group? No, that stuff doesn't interest me. What’s the most ecological thing you do? We recycle, and I also use metal straws. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. There is no fucking way I could do it. What’s your favourite board game? Why do you like it best? I like Clue just because of the mystery-solving factor, and I think it's kinda cool how you can think ahead and use other's findings to your own advantage to win the game pretty early. Besides English, what other languages can you speak? Some German. It's gotten pretty weak with neglect, though. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you’ve been? This is a complicated answer that I just don't feel like elaborating on. What’s the most freeing thing you’ve ever done? Letting Jason go. Have you ever had a restaurant dish that was made with bugs? If not, would you even want to try one? No, and I'm not interested. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? Honeysuckles. What has been your worst restaurant experience? Well, it's a fast food restaurant, but lemme tell you about my vegetarian encounter with Burger King. I ordered their veggie burger. Which they have. It's not a secret. These idiots gave me a bun with tomato and lettuce, and I think mayo on it, after sounding confused when Mom was ordering for me. Mom went back in there of course to tell them, and oh god was the manager pissed, lol. I got my veggie burger in the end. What’s the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? Some sexually inappropriate jokes can still get me sadly, lol. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? Not literally, but boy do I think depression counts. Do you ever compare your life to somebody else’s? If so, why? Y E P. I can't tell you why, I just... do it. I look at other's successes and am just like, "Why aren't I there yet?", and beat myself up about being a failure. What is a food item or a dish you absolutely cannot stand? Brussel sprouts, asparagus, runny eggs, many other things because I'm just mega picky. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? Just the spray paint kind that vendors like to do at the beach and stuff. I don't remember any I got, though. What does your favourite mug look like? It's black with a Markiplier quote on it, given to me by Sara. :') Do you ever read other people’s survey answers? Yeah! Friends', anyway. I love learning all the obscure things about them. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, specifically early morning, because it's better for my depression. Are you more comfortable as a leader or a follower? A follower that isn't afraid to speak up when I'm really against something. What is your favourite song right now at this very moment? I've been really into "7empest" by Tool lately, and the synthwave edit of "Voices" by Motionless In White. If you watched The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, who was your favourite character? I don't remember it well, but I think I liked the butler. Was there even a butler? Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') Do you have any plants in your home? No. If you wear makeup, what’s the most outrageous colour you use? I only ever use black. What was the last photograph you took? My cat being adorable while sleeping. <3 Have you ever submitted a video to Funniest Home Videos? No. What was the first sport you learned how to play? I want to say soccer? I absolutely hated it. Do you have a headache at the moment? Yes, actually. I've really been attacked by the Covid shot side effects. Are your parents still together? No, thank god. What was the last hot food you ate? I made a chicken and I think pesto (some Italian noodles, idk) Healthy Choice bowl for dinner last night. Have you ever seen a meteor shower? No. :( Do you ever feel afraid people will question your sanity? I'm sure people have before, and back then? Rightfully so. Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? Never watched it. Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? Always. It's so weird how it's gotten worse with time since leaving school, even though I write... Were you a straight A student in math? Yeah, no. I usually got Bs or Cs. What is your favorite shade of yellow? Pastel. I don't really like yellow. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? Have a stable job. Are you afraid of getting yelled at? YES. Do you feel a connection to the moon? It's not something I think about, so not really, but I do believe all things in the universe are connected in some way. We are simply a part of nature, as all else is. What does your heart long for? Contentment in who I am and where I am in life. I know I also miss being in love. Do you know what your purpose in life is? We have no innate purpose; we make our own, and I want mine to be to show others that there is always hope for yourself in yourself, and also to spread the message of love of all animals. Did you decorate a pumpkin this year? Last year I didn't. I really should change that this go around. Have you ever seen a fox? Yes! They're a kind of rare sight here sadly, so when I had the opportunity to photograph a fox tragically as roadkill, it was a photographic experience I won't forget. God, I wanted to pet it (I obviously didn't), but I did talk to it about how beautiful (s)he was as I got some shots. I never had a harder time leaving one of those angels I've taken pictures of. Do you find Halloween fun or scary? FUN!!!!!! Is there anything about Halloween you find offensive? Not at all. What do the trees look like where you live? I mean, there's a variety, but the staple that you see literally everywhere are pine trees. What is your dream vacation? Somewhere with mountains, clear lakes, cool weather, beautiful and various wildlife... What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? Disney World as a kid. What is the best class trip you’ve been on? The zoo in the 5th grade. It was the one occasion I got to see meerkats. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? I lived for them. Do you find museums boring or interesting? I find science museums to be very, very fascinating. Art ones are great, too. What are three issues you are passionate about? LGBT rights, the pro-choice movement, and wildlife conservation, to name a few. Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? No. I'm not patriotic enough at all. What size is your bed? Queen. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? When we were experimenting with my Klonopin dosage, I learned that 3mg was enough to knock me on my ASS. Do you like bath bombs? I mean they're pretty, but I wouldn't waste money on 'em. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? Yikes, a looooooot. But this also depends on what you think qualifies as "small." Most of my favorite "small" YTers are tarantula keepers or sub-1M let's players. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? Markiplier obviously, Snake Discovery, Good Mythical Morning (even if I don't watch them anymore, they are veeery dear to my heart and I will always support them), Sam & Colby... Again, there's a lot. When you don't watch TV and YT instead, you really get attached to a lot of them. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Would you believe me if I said Pussycat Dolls? haha Do you like Disney movies? Um, DUH. Were you ever in the popular crowd? No. Have you ever used an outhouse? UGH, at like childhood sports games, yes. I could NEVER nowadays, oh my god. Could you possibly write a successful novel? I think I have the creativity to, but not the dedication. Are there any foods that make you gag? Beans, for one. I just canNOT with them. It's a completely involuntary reaction. Have you ever had blonde highlights in your hair? I think I did? Who was the last person you video-chatted with? The lady who was seeing if I qualified for TMS therapy. Do you think sleeve tattoos look trashy? Definitely not, I love those. If you had to get a portrait tattoo, who would it be of? I don't actually want one, but if I did, I'd go to a serious professional to get THE Darkiplier smile. :') If u know u know. Do you have any stickers on any of your electronic devices? No. Do you think half blonde/half dark brown hair is attractive? It looks great on some people, but it's not my favorite combo.

[selfcareparker]

okay fghsgdj yes you can say girl ! my pronouns are she/her :) okay but fr pause, i read this like 3 minutes after you posted it (or at least my notif said 3mins lmao) bUT IM IN BED AND I USUALLY HAVE MY COMPUTER OPEN WITH YOUR RESPONSE SO I MAKE SURE I ADDRESS EVERYTHING AND THEN SEND IN THE ASK ON MY PHONE HDGSJSH anyway, time to get my ass up 😔 but wait i find you so funny like honestly, reading that cracked me all the way up. and i feel the “lol” thing so hard!!!! idk why i do it all the time (i’m tryna stop) but i’ll say something with lol at the beginning and lol at the end... it might be a defense mechanism at this point lol (😔) AND (i need to stop with the uppercase too it’s not funny anymore) I DONT KNOW WHY I LAUGHED SO HARD JDHSK WHEN YOU SAID ALSO AGAIN HAHAHAH LIKE UR HAHHAH also my sleep schedule is not pretty either lmao but i’m homeschooled so i never have to get up for anything? hhdhsis idk but i’m glad you slept!! you need sleep!!

also (pls no i cannot) why did i not know what ykwim meant until i reread this?? like it makes so much sense- anyway! i think it’s so cool that you’re excited for university! idk why but i do lol like you’re getting ready for the future (masters degree and all that) & you’re (maybe) going to england anyway so that’s cool haha (hopefully when you go you can see your relatives 🤞🏾)

the fact that you get happy seeing my asks i- 💓💓

you make me wanna go to London & England so bad urghhhh like i’ve only been out of the country once (to Canada for a family reunion) but it sounds so prettyyyyy & i’m so sorry that cov*d is messing everything up and i hope you can see your relatives soon :(

now to address the whole english speaking/writing: I FIND THAT SO WEIRD DUHSKSJ i don’t know how an english speaking person could say that if you don’t write it 100% grammatically correct.... that it’s wrong? when literally, over here at least, WE’RE SO GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT HAHHAAH in both the way we talk and write!! and lol you’re welcome,, AND THE PARAGRAPH DID MAKE SENSE HDHSJSH & your rant is fine because... that is actually a bit ??? bc no one writes with 100% grammar lol

OH MY GOSH (see this uppercase thing is addictive) YOU STUDIED LATIN FOR 6 YEARS??? that’s really cool 🥺 the way that you know/speak 3+ languages i- NOT EVEN 3+ LIKE 6+ (german, english, latin, french, serbian, italian, and everything that comes with latin lmao) even if it’s just a tiny bit like wowee. it is really fascinating!!! i had the opportunity to take latin and i... didnt. i took art instead BUT ONLY CUZ MY FRIENDS WERE IN THAT CLASS AND ART LOOKED FUN IM SORRY

PLEASE WHY DO YOU KNOW EVERYONE?? that sounds so fricking cool tell your mom (mum or mama it’s really fine lol) that she sounds awesome. i think Jamaica would be fun either way!! i mean it looks pretty from pictures? i was a baby so i honestly have no recollection hahaha

LMAOO NOT U SAYING THIS IS LONGER THAN SOME OF MY FICS- PLEASE GIRL IM TELLING YOU I VERBALLY LAUGHED HAHAHAHAHAH but yea you really don’t need to apologize i like reading everything you say 🥺 HDKSHS AND UR FINE WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT ME BEFORE uhhh hmm uhh lemme think i, well, i saw chaos walking yesterday (big tom holland fan over here) and it was alright.. my mom acted a fool at all the jump scares LMAO but it was funny... since i’m talking about movies (this is hella random i know) but i like shark movies HDKJSSJ my favorite is the meg (it’s so good ohmigosh) and the 47 meters down movies aren’t bad either... i have two younger brothers... iiiii AM IN LOVE WITH MUSIC PHEW anddd i’m homeschooled (i think i mentioned that lol) i think that’s a good amount ahahaha AND IM HUNGRY RN JDHSJ

now. please. let me address the edit. i just want you to know that.. when i talk about your fics and i finish them and everything i’m not looking for more? like obviously if you’re writing i’m gonna read it but you don’t need to feel pressured or anything (idk if you do) to put more fics out lol like they’re great and i’m just sending the praise bc i love the ones that are there :’) but i’m so happy you’re working through your writers block!!! yay so so happy for you!!! and PUHLEASE anything you write is fantastic, i feel the exact same way when i write but girl. you’re fine. it’s gonna be great. (idk if this made any sense but... okay)

(and my cousin calls her mom mama so it’s really okay hahah i even call my mom mama sometimes) (and where you got the number “16 sentences” beats me but i still cracked up) (is this me pretending i had tags? maybe) HAHAHAHA OK BYE ❤️❤️ why did this take me so long to send i have no clue, AND WHY AM I OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I SAID SHAJSHSJ ANYWAY BYE btw i love us too... like iconic // lovely anon 💓

me reading this:

also the dedication you put into sending me stuff— like with the laptop and phone and ahsksk 🥺🥺🥺

i’ll update you when i’ve started uni btw, i’m getting more and more excited every single day haha but i still have 3 weeks until it starts and even then I’ll obviously have to get used to it and everything, but you’re making me even more excited about it sksjshsg

yeah i wanna go to england too dkshsh let’s be sad together over the fact the we can’t travel eksjsh😔😭 but hopefully the wait will make it even better in the end <33 also i talk to loads of relatives over the phone at least once a week so it’s not too bad for me! but i miss their house 😭lmao

and i knowww snshsh so many native english speakers just make so many mistakes— and obviously i get that some things are slang but some things are simply wrong ajsh, the thing is no one has ever told me that my english is bad (i know it’s not bad anyway, but i’m still insecure) or no one has ever pointed out any mistakes, but yeah it’s mostly just insecurity dkshsg but yes thanks for saying what you said (previously as well as in this ask)😌🥰

Okay now for latin— girlll i don’t blame u for choosing art over latin esp. when all of your friends are doing art as well!! I’d choose art over latin as well lol skshsg but in year 6 we had to choose between latin and french, and at the time i didn’t like french? which was dumb of me and now i wanna learn french ekdhs but i don’t regret choosing latin at all bc if i properly learn french one day then i’ll already know understand loads of stuff (or at least some stuff lol) just thanks to latin 😌😌 but still, art>>>latin skskshshgs

I wanna watch chaos walking too!!! But i don’t get when/where/how it’s out lmao, cinemas are still closed here so i’ll either have to wait or find it somewhere online... il*egally 🥰 i don’t have high expectations at all btw but i like daisy and tom and the dog🥺 so i think i’ll enjoy it

GIRL SHARK FILMS SHARK FOLMS SKSJSHSHS okay so there are a few classics i haven’t watched yet, and also a few new ones that i haven’t seen yet BUT I LOVE SHARK FILMS SO MUCH SKSHSGSGSKK the first like proper shark film i ever watched was the shallows (which i like but my brain is still too small to comprehend what happened at the end (i mean i get it but i just can’t imagine it— idek if you’ve seen the film but skshhs)) and after watching it three times it does get a bit boring (but now whenever i see pictures or videos of big waves i’m just waiting for a shark to show up like come ON SKSJSG

^^^that pic/scene really traumatised me sksjsh but i still like the film

I only watched jaws like a few months ago, and i get that it’s a classic and also that it’s old and they just didn’t have the best.. equipment or special effects or whatever but i mean... look at meg and then look at jaws.... no disrespect to jaws at ALL but the meg is so much cooler. (That one scene on the boat where the shark just JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER AND SKSJSHHSUSJHA i get such a shock every time it’s so good (and the dog aww aksjshssli 🥺🥺🥰 and the boy with the ice cream lmao he’s iconic)

47 metres down, wow, i liked that film too. (i’ve only watched the original/first one i think) i mean that is such a fucking nightmare scenario like ALSJDHSNEMSKDJSHSJSKWBALSODUEWBSLDKHDJSNSKSKSHSGEBWKAISGSHEKEKSKLDJDJDHDHSHAGGA (that’s the best way i can express my feelings about that scenario lmao)

oh and i’ve recently been watching more horror films but i don’t know if they’re for me... I like the thrill and whatever but i just end up being scared for my life when i have to go to the bathroom at night or when i’m trying to sleep bc suddenly my mind is flooded with all the scary shit from the films 💀💀💀

and music i mean... you know those people who just don’t listen to music? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM???? i honestly like all genres especially in the last year, i am IN LOVE with Nicki Minaj + Megan andddd Stormzy and i like Harry Styles but i prefer his first solo album (and obviously one direction has bangers i have a throwback 1D session at least once a month), I also love MGK especially his new stuff and otherwise i mostly listen to german artists lmao. So who do you like?💖 (WHY DO I FEEL LIKE YOURE GONNA SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SKAHAGUS IF YOU LISTEN TO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MUSIC DONT JUDGE ME AJSHDJS) (i know you’re not gonna judge me but)

++ @ the thing you said about writing, don’t worry, i don’t feel pressured at all!!! (not by you and not by anybody else.. except myself sometimes lol) and i’m just very happy that you liked my fics 🥰🥰🥰 and if i start telling people that i’m writing a fic then sometimes it puts a bit of (healthy) pressure on me. like yes sometimes it really is writer’s block, but sometimes i really am just lazy ddkshhd so now that i’ve told you i’m writing a fic i might get my ass up quicker than i would if i hadn’t told anyone 😌😌😌

[qu-ryy]

for that "100 good questions to ask your friends at 4:02 am when you can’t sleep" post: 57, 80 and 92

57. Do you thinks humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing?

80. Is your music organized by mood or sensation or do you just listen to everything at any time?

92. Do you speak multiple languages? Which do you dream in? What language would you want to learn?

I wrote a fucking lot for this so my answers are under the cut:

57. Do you think humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video, games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing?

I’d say that yeah, humans are obsessed with escapism. I feel like most of the time that’s where interests come from and that’s why we do fun things. I wouldn’t necessarily always label it as escapism per se, but for the sake of the question i’d say yes. I think you’ll always have something in life that you won’t enjoy or that you want to change, and having something that you can come back to and know that it’ll make you feel better is very common. For me personally, i wouldn’t say i necessarily seek an escape every time i get a new interest, but it kind of ends up that way. I remember before i got into the dsmp i didn’t have like an interest (regarding media, like as an a youtuber or a tv show) that i was focusing my attention on and it just felt so weird like i didn’t have anything to do and i felt like dissatisfied, even though i had other hobbies. And then that area was filled with the dsmp and related stuff, and idk it just feels nice to always have like something there when you do need an escape, especially now. I don’t think it’s inherently a bad thing, just depends on how you let it affect your life. But for me, i’m able to talk to new people (heyy gray) and get closer with other people because of this form of escapism, but i get how if you let yourself get too stuck in escaping it can be a bad thing.

80. Is your music organised by mood or sensation or do you just listen to everything at any time?

Ooooh, fuck i love this question. I’d say more by sensation, which can sometimes correlate to the mood of the song. Like sometimes i’m in more of a pumped mood that gives a certain sensation (i don’t really know how to describe it but it just makes me feel more energetic and like jittery) and so i’ll listen to music that gives me that feeling, but it doesn’t always mean the songs i’m listening to will reflect that mood, per se. But usually it’s just whatever gives that same like satisfying feeling, it’s like scratching an itch idk it just feels good to listen to. Literally for probably more than a whole year the only thing i would listen to was queen because it gave me that feeling (and i was just super into the band in general), but of course not all the songs give the same vibes. To me, it just matter about the sensation. But also i don’t really organize my music at all, i just make playlists of songs that i’m into at the time.

92. Do you speak multiple languages? Which do you dream in? What language would you want to learn?

Mmmmmm okay, so I’d say i speak Spanish. I’ve been taking Spanish classes my whole life (although in elementary school i would like barely count it as a spanish class, we just played games) and i know a lot of conversational stuff since my whole family speaks spanish. I’m really good at like listening to people speak and knowing what they’re saying, and I’m good at writing in spanish (and i know the grammar rules and stuff). But like speaking in spanish and answering stuff in spanish is harder for me since i have to think fast and stuff. I dream in english, but also people don’t really talk in my dreams. Like i can’t remember a single instance where someone has actually spoken in my dream, it’s like i just kinda know what they’re saying but they’re not actually speaking, i think. There are so many languages i want to learn. I want to learn french because it’s just so beautiful and i’ve already learned a tiny bity, and the accent is pretty easy for me. I also really want to learn chinese (mandarin) because my friend is from china and she speaks mandarin and she already taught me a bunch of cuss words, but it would be so cool to talk to her in mandarin. And i want to learn portuguese because ITS SO FUCKING SIMILAR TO SPANISH. ITS LIKE IM SO CLOSE BUT ITS JUST A LITTLE DIFFERENT and a mutual was explaining a bunch of stuff about it to me which was so helpful. Special mentions: Greek, Latin, Russian, German, American sign language, Italian, Japanese, Korean, and Nahuatl.

[ifandomalot]

This is Love. (1/3)

Summary: Steve is captured by hydra, they use you as a toy for him. A sick game they play. He can't help but notice how much you hate touch, or any kind of human interaction. When his team rescues him, he takes you with him and shows you what love is.

Warnings: unexpected pregnancy eventuality, kidnapping, blood, and unwanted sex by both parties? But it doesn't go to much into detail. But i dont know how to categorize it. This is dark but soft. Also my grammar mistakes.

Part 2 / Part 3 (coming soon)

Steve doesn't remember much, the aching pain against the roundest part of his skull was the only thought manageable. Shaky fingers running over the clumps of blood that matted his hair, stables fusing the gash closed. His eyes take in the room around him, no windows, the only light is small lamp that illuminates the small corner of the room by the bed he currently say up on. The walls are a dull gray, the floor matching, the cement seemed as it ran for miles. A door is on the far right, heavy duty, not even a super solider could break it down.

His tact suit is gone, a plain white t-shirt and a pair of grey sweat pants clad his body, no shoes just a tall pair of socks that bundle against ankles. The throbbing inside his skull seems like the worst of his worries as his eyes scan the room, no way out. The small camera in the corner follows his every move. "Whoever you are, you've made a mistake."

Thick arms across against his swollen chest in dominace, trying to assert some kind of fear into the situation. It's no use, no one is there or obviously cares enough to call a bluff. A small stack of books are next to the sink, fingers run down the ridged brindle of the book, noticing the german writing. Hydra.

Steve's face moves in frustration, body growing taller as he realizes the situation, hydra had finally managed to do it, they got him. A small growl rumbles deep inside the roughness of his chest, fist meeting the cement wall in anger, the blood didn't bother him, the pain non existent. He steps over the crumbled pieces of the wall before looking right into the camera. "If you think I'll stay here peacefully, you're mistaken. I will punch my way out of here."

His feet start towards the carving he made in the wall but peeks his head towards the door listening to the gliding of locks. He stands tall, expecting someone to send in some poor bastard that was meant to tell him to behave but would only meet death in the hands of him.

Much to his surprise, a female thrown into the room, falling next to his feet. Adrenline was too high, he couldn't think straight. His body telling him this was a trick but mind realizing how similarly dressed they were.She was here as a prisoner too.

"Are you okay?" Steve's voice is rough, making you flinch but scatter away from him as his hands reached out to help you up.

An unsettling feeling is ripped deep inside his stomach, bubbling red hot as he notices the darkness behind your eyes. Nothing was there, a shell of a human. "I'm not going to hurt you."

Avoiding eye contact at all cost, you pull your knees to your chest, head resting against the hard shell of knees. What did they do to this girl?

Steve's eyes run over the soft features, skin with no wrinkles, big doe eyes avoiding him. Cheeks so lively, warm with color and lips that just resembled youth. Hair was beautifully knotless, curtaining past your shoulders, small shoulders that formed into the valley of your breast, no older than 23.

He decides to keep his distance, but drops to his knees to size you. Hoping that with being eye level would make himself look less scary, dominating even. "What's your name?"

When she doesnt answer he sighs, "I'm Steve."

Before he gets a chance to speak again, a loud crackling echos the room, source the camera. "Do you like her steve? She's yours."

"Mine? What?" Eyes don't leave you, he doesn't speak for the camera, more like asking himself.

"We want to be friends with you Steve. Give us your blood and you can do whatever you want with her."

He notices how fast your chest begins to move, a small choked sound constricting from your throat. The voice the reason for the anxiousness, scaring you.

"Stop talking." Steve hisses, "i will never give you my blood and you're scaring her."

"Have it your way then." All of a sudden the small light is gone, the room is completely black, the clicking of the locks telling him someone is coming. The door hit the wall with a large thump, he swore it shook the room, he stands arms reaching out trying to get a hold of something, if something was there. A large arm reaches around his neck, before he could even react the sharp pain of a needle in his neck has him out cold.

The second time waking up was easier, his body still in full fight mode as he jumped up, trying to locate the danger. Quickly realizing it was gone, and he was alone once again. The days started to form into a week, he's given no food, forced to drink water from the leaking sink in the block room - it drives him crazy, drip, drip, drip. Stomach painfully twisting as a tray is slid from under the door- a small piece of bread, what looked like chicken broth and a banana, better then nothing at all. His mouth salivates at the salty smell of the warm soup filling his nose, almost dizzy from the lack of food. It must be his lucky day, a few hours later lunch is there too. A sandwich with an apple, they even have him a cup to drink his sink water out of.

Dinner isn't existent, but for once this whole week he is not weak, stomach not painfully squeezing inside of him. Hes not full, but satisfied. The echoing of foot steps followed by the shuffling of a shadow behind the door thinking its a late dinner but the locks unhinge, the woman revealed, two large men standing behind you as you walked in.

Steve eyes meet your face as the door is closed, your eyes avoid him at all costs. Hair perfectly flowly, features even softer than before, might even say a sight for sore eyes that have been staring at half understandable words on a page and cement walls. Except for once small detail, a countless amount of bruising ranging from small to big across your arms, most likely from the men roughing you up, grabbing harshly at the small girl.

"Hey are you okay?" He is surprised by the small squeak of a yes as you finally talk. "Why are you here?"

"I, ugh - don't know." Shakily you cross arms across the swells of your breast, a surivial instinct, protecting most vital organs. Steve chooses to ignore it, "what's your name?"

"Y/N." Its softly spoken, but a name that fits you very well. The soft patter of drops against the sink, the only sound filling the room as you finally meet his eyes. Beautiful ocean waves, big blue skies being the only words that come to mind. His features are hard bit form a devilishly handsome man, but eyes so soft reminding you of the beautiful things in life.

"Did they feed you? I have an apple left from earlier." The large red apple looks so small in his gigantic hand. You shake your head, "No, I'm okay."

"You can sit down. Do you know where we are?"

"No, I'm okay." The honest truth is men scared you, especially the largely built one who stood with so much strength that you backed away from him.

"I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not like them."

"I just don't want you by me."

Steve nods in understanding, forehead creasing i though as his tongue runs over his lips as he looks around the room. "You can sit on the bed, I'm going to go over here."

Steve points to the opposite corner of the room, "I'm going to move now, you don't have to be scared." You want to thank him for the warning but bite your tongue and nod, making sure he reaches the other side of the room before routing yourself to the pathetic excuse of the bed.

"I see you're getting along." The voice rings from the camera as Steve's eyes squint in annoyance. He decides not to play in, his gaze burns against your skin. It wasn't in a way that was uncomfortable, but he wanted to test you, ask you questions you wouldn't answer.

"She's a gift for you steve, aren't you lonely? we want to be your friends." Steve scoffs, "last time i checked, friends don't lock each other in prisons."

"You can do whatever you want with her." The voice darkenly is suggestive with unlawful thoughts, a concept as dark as that doesn't even register in his mind.

"What does that even mean?"

"We want you to take her." Steve's forehead creases in confusion, fingers stretching lines across his forehead, but when met with the horrified look on your face realization hits him like a ton of bricks, crushing his chest. Stomach clenching as he feels sick, was this normal for you to do?

The captures realized Steve wasn't going to just give up his blood, he also wouldn't take what they gifted him. Steve Rogers was a man of a moral code, the best kind of man mixed with a gentleman, that would never hurt a lady but wouldn't ever allow one to die because of his hand either. "If you don't fuck her, we will kill her."

They will strip away every part that is good of him, take away every moral and goodness this man has, starting with taking away the fact that he has a choice on who he sleeps with. Steve's ocean blues meet yours in panic, chest tight, he couldn't breath at the suggestion.

"No."

"She will die, and it will be because of you. You could've saved her Steve." This isn't right, the giant pit in his stomach screaming in horror as the words leave your mouth, "it's okay steve."

Your welcoming this, accepting it is survival but he isn't standing for it. His eyes water, he feels sick, taking away the one sense of security you posses, your choice and willing accepting that is gone. "No. I am not doing that."

"You're doing to let me die?" No, he wasn't going to that either. "They're not lying, they will slit my throat the moment I walk out of here."

"You can't even look in my eyes let alone do this!" Feelings getting the best of him as the wall crumbles underneath his power, bloody knuckles spreading the redness across his face as he rubs it stressfully.

"You have 30 seconds Steven." The voice warns, threatening is more like it.

"It's okay, i know you won't hurt me." Your soft voice is what makes him really choke up, an angel that didnt deserve this. Steve's weight is on top of you, his hand pressed against the matress supporting most of it. A hand so shaky he can't even pull at the strings of your sweats so instead you pull them down revealing what should be your choice to him.

"I am so sorry." It was a choked sob filled with so much sadness, a gruff from the chest that made even your heart break for him right now. He closes his eyes, preventing the tears from falling but in a forced moment like this, couldn't find himself to find excitment, but the fact that this was going to be life or death out weighed his feelings.

It was a small kiss, a peck barely there against his clothed shoulder made him gasp, not expecting the comfort in this moment. You of all people, comforting him, a sobbing mess of a man while your innocence he was taking unwillingly. The wetness of his tears meeting your cheeks, sliding down as he pushes into you and with that his heart breaking.

It continued for days, over and over again they make him get to know every part of your body, he begs them to stop, you tell him its okay, that this is how it has to be, but he can't take it. Sleeping soundly he watches you, peacefully in a peaceful world unlike this one. You don't care much for his touch, but sleep is the one place you don't scower from it. Its hard not to be close, the twin matress making it nearly impossible to not touch. The dark blush of the bruising is starting to fade, hand softly rubbing over the skin as you breath heavily. Chest is moving with every breath, lips slightly parted, beautiful.

Warm against him, he is glad you can sleep. It's been days since he has, guilt eating him alive, which is exactly what they want. They will continue to make him disgrace you until he breaks and allows them to give him the blood, and willingly participates in their experiments. The loud sound of cement crumbling following loud booms makes him clutch you close to his chest, back facing the door to protect you at all costs. Your awake now, breathing heavily into the chest as the sound of bullets ripple from outside of the door he coos. "Its okay, its okay. I'll protect you."

Nothing else is said as the fight outside continues until it stops, you look up at him, looking for answers until eyes widen in fear as the locks of the door sound. They were coming back for you. Steve turns, pushing you behind him as he stands tall, a man ready to fight.

"Buck?" It's just above a whisper as a tall man, almost as big as him stands. A metal arm, long black hair that reaches his shoulders.

"Steve we got to go." The girl is only noticeable when he reaches around to grab your hand, Bucky notices the messy hair, dried lips and the dark bruising against your arms. "She's coming with us."

The sunlight hurts, you cover your eyes quickly as you almost stumble to your knees trying to keep up with the two large men as bullets wiz past. Steve's arms are lifting you by the waist, nudging you to get back up. The quinjet sits only feet away, a tall, dark man yelling incoherent sounds over the swooshing of the blades in the air. In seconds the metal of the floor is cold against bare feet, door closing, it was safe.

Taking a deep breath your eyes running over the tower of Steve as the jet takes off. Bucky can't help but notice the shortening of breath from the small girl, coldness of the metal arm making you jump away in shock, "are you okay?"

"n-no!"

"Buck, buck, don't." Steve reaches for him, taking the artificial touch from her. "She doesn't like being touched. "

You feel trapped in here, three large men making it suffocating in this tiny box, that some how seemed even more freeing than the one you've grown so used to despite being high in the clouds.

"Breathe sweetheart." Steve coos, sinking down to your size, arms reaching out but not quite touching. "Its just me, my touch is good."

His touch is filled with unwanting pleasure, a reminder of what was taken away from you but also a certain gentleness that made you feel safe and secure. You don't let him touch you but nod at his words, following the rythm of his breathing from the pattern of his chest.

"What the fuck happened there?" Bucky wanted to say what the fuck is wrong with you but noticed how uncomfortable you already were.

"I just need to sit down." Steve looked broken as well as he sat finally, still feet away from you. Hands rubbing over his face, as a small cry feel from his lips. Any other time being captured by enemy lines wouldn't even affect him, but he didn't feel like the same man, he was a disgusting excuse of one that fell victim to them, they might have not gotten his blood but did strip the one piece of him he held dearly: his moral code.

Bucky chest squeezes as his best friends sorrow, hand meeting his back, rubbing soft circles of comfort. You watch every second of it, this was bound to happen, you saw the change every time he was forced to touch you, the breaking away of his head, of what he stood for but most of wishing you could accept touch like that, comfort, but any man that touched you only brought pain, physically and in the cause mentally. The ride was quiet once Steve managed to stop crying, didn't dare to talk, the emotion still raw in his chest, afraid it would start again. Once on the ground, a group of people surround him, hugs, kisses to his cheeks. Once again you were envy of his acceptance, the thought making you sick. Steve showed you to a room, placing a pair of what looked like his clothes at the end of the freshly made bed. "You can lock the door when I leave if you'll feel safer." Nails nervously scratching the back of his neck, "You can shower, and if you need me I'm right across the hall, goodnight."

Steve wanted to talk, apologize for what he had done to you but didn't also thought the events of today were enough, you deserved a goodnights rest.

Steve's clothing hung loosely from wet skin, the sweats needed to be rolled, sweater reaching mid-thigh. Sleep did not come easy, noisy sounds of the busy city, honks, and whizzing cars, something you weren't used to being secluded for so long. Anxiety bubbling deep inside your chest, burning your skin. The constant fear that they would come back for you, take you away with just a taste of this freedom.

It was strange but you missed the security, the sense of being protected by him, a feeling you have never felt before. Quietly you enter his room, he's not sleeping just deep in thought as he stares at the ceiling, not noticing your entrance.

"Steve?" Rolling your hands nervously into sweater paws as looks at you with worry. "What's wrong?"

He's sitting up now, ready for anything, trying to figure out the emotions of your face you keep so guarded. "I can't sleep."

He lays back down, hand extending opening the covers to allow you in. Thankfully he doesn't try to touch you. Running over the defined features of his face, ocean eyes so soft. For the first time ever he looks relaxed despite the dark circles under his eyes, the ocean surrounded by a deep red of regret, disgust in himself. He offers a sweet smile, which you can't find yourself to return but try your best.

Closing your eyes feels nice, his breath in your ear, you feel safe as you slip into a world of peacefulness. But not before hearing, "I'm sorry. Sweet dreams sweetheart."

Note: if you want to be tagged in the next two parts, comment below! Part 2 comes with the reader learning to accept his touch and unexpected surprise.

[vikinglanguage]

for the asks: #s 4 6 8 9 10 & 11!

4. How old were you when you first started learning a second language? What language was it?When I was 9, I started mandatory English in school. Even before that I knew a few very basic phrases, and I distinctively remember telling my mum “I love you” when I was like 6, and her saying “I love you too”, which then stuck with me.Even before that, my sister taught me to say “me llamo Amalie” and “¿cómo te llamas?”, when we went to Spain when I was 5 years old, but that was the only Spanish I knew from ages 5 to 15.

6. What’s something you have a hard time expressing in your target language(s)?Oh, like, everything. My primary target language is currently German, but I’m also keeping Spanish in mind here.I think what really frustrates me about language is that I generally just really don’t enjoy small talk. Like, to me a good conversation is about culture, politics, linguistics, literature, things I find interesting. And I just never get to a level where I can talk about those subjects, because I NEED to have a certain base level before I get to that. In order to conjugate verbs and remember to use the right definite article I need to practice it, but I’m just not interested in repeating sentences like “sie sieht den Vogel” or “tenía cinco años”. Unfortunately that is a stage I need to pass before learning more complex vocabulary, because first I have to start utilising the vocabulary that I have already.Yes, I know that as someone learning on my own, I am very much in charge of which order I learn things in, but I think that really, my main problem is that I have yet to find an order that fits my needs.I’m just so god damn annoyed that I can’t seem to figure it out, because clearly I must’ve gotten something right when I was learning English, especially after ages 12-13.

8. Are you a grammar snob in your native language(s)?Somewhat. While I largely think that the grammar rules should be adapted to fit a language as it currently is, there are just some things that annoy me. And I will correct people on those things, if I know that it’s an opening to poke fun around grammar or other language things, or just to exasperate my mum.For an example, in Danish we have the difference between “hans/hendes” and “sin”, which I think is a really good an useful difference, that also plays nicely into the concept of “sig”, and I would prefer to preserve that as part of the Danish language. Likewise, I think it’s a great shame that a word such as “hin” (an old word equivalent to “that” (actually I guess somewhat like “yon” or spanish “aquél”), nowadays we just use “den” for both “this” and “that”)However, I will never correct the grammar of someone who has made it clear that they might struggle with grammar for whatever reason, or really, just anyone whom I don’t know that well and didn’t ask for correction. Unsolicited grammar advice sucks, unless you’re gently bullying your sibling or Austrian flatmate.

9. Language pet peeve?I have so many, most of them related to Danish. A lot of them are just people not being able to, you know, speak.-saying hångklæde instead of håndklæde or promade instead of pomade-using syntes and synes interchangeably (syntes is past tense of synes)-messing up hans/hendes vs sin-people saying et hamster instead of en hamster-people who say that meme is intetkøn, because fuck you its fælleskøn and I do not take constructive criticism.-people who claim that “English is actually one of the hardest languages to learn!”, shut up, you barely have any grammar worth speaking of and your sentence structure is so straightforward it’s almost laughable. Sure, the spelling is awful, but have you seen Danish? Have you HEARD French? If you speak a romance or germanic language I very much doubt that English is hard.-PEOPLE WHO MAKE FUN OF THE ACCENTS OF STRANGERS. SHUT UP. AT LEAST THEY’RE TRYING TO SPEAK YOU’RE LANGUAGE WHICH IS PROBABLY MORE THAN CAN BE SAID ABOUT YOU.-people from the south of Spain. Stop that. There’s an s there. Please say the s. I beg of you. It’s right there. Spanish is supposed to be easy to pronounce. THE S IS RIGHT THERE.-when someone claims I’m not pronouncing a Danish word correctly because I don’t speak what would be the Danish version of RP.-generally people thinking dialects are bad (nb: yes, there’s a lot to unpack with pet peeves and dialects vs. the “correct” version of a language, i know, i know, i know)-people who think I’m being aggressive because I don’t use emoji’s when texting-people claiming that text can’t even come close to conveying emotion and meaning in the same way that speech canI could probably make this ten miles long if I wanted, but I’m gonna have to call it quits here.

10. What’s your opinion on learning dead languages?I think it’s so fucking cool. Hebrew was a dead language until someone thought to revive it. I say it’s time we bring back Punic. Or something. Idk, I think learning dead languages is a really interesting concept, seeing as the insight it gives into long gone cultures and just the concept of speaking a language that NO ONE is a native speaker of? win. Who’s to say you’re wrong? The scholars? Were they alive in 200 AD, I don’t think so.

11. Who is one person (famous or not) that is a language-learning inspiration for you?Both of my parents, as well as my sister. All three speak fluent English and are somewhat conversational in German, and my mother can somewhat get by in Spanish, Italian and French.My Austrian flatmate who of course speaks German (both standard and her own western Austrian dialect WHICH IS VERY DIFFERENT), English, has good French comprehension and is well on the way to learning Danish.I hate to go on and on about MIKA on every single one of my blogs, but MIKA, being fluent in English, French and Italian (arguably Spanish, depending on who you ask), having picked up Italian just like, along the way. I really like the fact that he writes texts not just in English, but in French as well, and, as of more recently, Italian.Following that thread, I appreciate people who write pop in their native tongue. Not everything has to be English, I mean Denmark won Eurovision with Dansevisen because it was A GOOD SONG. Not because anyone knew what the fuck the text was about, but because THE MUSIC was good. Also I cried on the bus the first time I listened to Elsker Dig Mer by Oh Land, because it just hit so much harder than Love You Better. Why didn’t the hard rock barefoot fire Hungarians win ESC 2018? Evades me.

[fayn3ko]

My interpretations on the new Rammstein album

Alrighty, I think such ‘here’s my opinion how much I liked this and not’ are boring so I’m just gonna write what I think of and read out of the songs. I let out Deutschland and Radio cuz y’all know about them, I guess. Idk even if anybody is interested in this but here we go

Weit weg (far away) - one of my faves

On the first sight it seems to be kind of a love song because till sings about two people - a man watching a women undress and seeing her naked. Actually, it’s about Voyeurism. He is standing at her window, presses his face against the glass, there’s no interactions between them and she is the 'queen of his fantasies’. 'Ganz nah - weit, weit weg von mir’ (really close - far, far away from me) - he is incredible close to her and sees intimate moments, but he isn’t supposed to, they probably don’t even know each other. So, actually, emotionally they are far away from each other.

Diamant (diamond) - only sad song, big fave

Kind of a love song, Till is mostly singing about how beautiful the other person is, how bright her eyes shine, “how clear and pure” she is. It already sounds like as if he were in mad love with her, but he also wants her to finally 'let him go’, he wants to leave tho she is so marvelous 'like a diamond, but also just a stone’. He tried to reach her heart but wants to 'love someone who is able to hate’ - is she too perfect? Are they even together, or is it just him who struggles to let his love for her go? Maybe she doesn’t feel anything, doesn’t have anything except her beauty and is cold-hearted, diamonds “are just stones”.

Zeig dich (show yourself) - a fave, its really nice

Obviously a song about the church, unlike Hallelujah (which is about the child abuse of priests) this one is about the church in general. Most of the text are enumerations,“[they] do crime … forgiveness of all crimes, burn, … tracking, … accidentally abuse children” (Irony, damn that’s fore sure provocating) always ending with 'in the name of god’ which describes the long history, mostly the negative aspects and how the church allowed themself to do anything if they say they do it in gods will - a lot of people believed that. The dramatic choir underlines how much power the church had and how often it abused its power. 'Show yourself … we lose the light’ - religion gives humans hope and something to believe in, exploited by the church, but all these things are hidden behind a mask.

Puppe (doll (sometimes also puppet, toy)) - probs most interesting one

The protagonist is a child, who got a doll as a gif from his sister (he calls her 'Schwesterlein’ so he is probably way younger?). Her workplace is in the room next to his, he sees men coming there, 'sometimes it’s even two [men]’ - she is a prostitute. While she works, he is looking at the sky, taking his medicaments [like a good boy] - so he must be sick in some way. Since he 'rips off the head of the doll, bites off the neck of the doll’ and sings 'I really don’t feel good’ it’s probably something mental. Later, he watches through the keyhole how his sister gets beaten to death, he continues ripping of the head and biting off the neck but now 'he feels finally good’. No parents are mentioned, so the sister seems to be the only relative, probably being responsible for him and buying him the medicaments (one of the only details we get so they have to me important in some way). Maybe he didn’t like her and he imagined the doll is her? Being unhappy because she is still alive and after she got killed, finally being happy? Maybe, he is happy that he won’t need to take medicaments anymore, he looked the whole day outta the window and seemed to do nothing, bc the meds blocked him)

Was ich liebe (literally 'what I love’, in this context, “the things I love”) great song

Fans who heard through some demos should know this one because it’s the demo of Pussy. They used the very different lyrics and refreshed them (changed the 'will die’ to 'will verderben’) , making them into a song about a person which doesn’t want to be happy, doesn’t want to enjoy and doesn’t want to love. A lover of him will 'verderben’ - it’s a prediction, he doesn’t even think it just 'could’ happen, it will happen. He will be unlucky at some point and suffer, 'in luck is also ubglück’, he fears to be hurt so much that his lover 'must’ verderben. Though, he still talks about a lover, so next to this fear, he still does and wants to be happy, enjoy and to love.

Tattoo (tattoo) - I like the music and singing but the topic is boring to me

Pretty simply, it’s about tattoos. He compares paper with his skin and describes noticeably often the pain “when the pain hugs the flesh…” you feel while getting one and how much he likes them on his skin. ‘Show me yours [and[ I’ll show you mine’ it sounds more like a demand as if it were something intimate. Also, after gettin the name of the lover tattooed - in case that the partner would end the relationship - he would prefer to find another partner with the same name instead of erasing the tattoo. He’s just crazy for tattoos.

Hallomann (is norwegian and a word for moderator or similiar) - pretty good?

It sounds kinda as if he would like to spend his time with a little girl. He’s telling a her to “just get in” and to “dance for him” but he doesn’t want her to speak. They go together to the sea, he buys stuff for her. ‘You are alone’ - the girl is alone, maybe she was walking around alone? - and he is ‘all alone’, this sounds more like on an emotional base, being lonely. Not sure of in a romantic or a platonic way. After the dancing  would come the Hallomann to her - I really don’t see the connection. Later they sunbath, do something with skin and sand. She has to ‘give her word’, take his hand and afterwards it won’t be the same. ‘Perl on the ring’ - a wedding ring? I’m not even sure if the person himself is an adult or maybe just a boy. In the end he says ‘don’t ask for the meaning’, maybe he just wanted to spent a nice day with her. It got some pedophile vibes at the first sight but nothing really indicates it. Maybe I just don’t see the methaphors lol okay everybody says it's about a pedophile and I guess;; he used phrases pedophiles often use

Ausländer (foreigner) - sounds like Schlager Urgh [german trigger] but good

Simply just a Gigolo jumping from one bed to another and fucking his way through the whole world. He doesn’t even “stay over night, just for 1 or 2 hours.” Anyways, it’s practical to speak many languages so he can talk with the foreign women. In that way he tells us that he’s good in these and speaks a lot, but the last sentence means something like ‘you coming with [me], I’m you doing goodd’ which is pretty bad in grammar but it’s enough to let her know what he wants.

Sex (sex) - love the melody and riffs, really good one

Uhm also pretty much just about sex? Sex without feelings tho. He ‘gets sick when he looks at you’ - it’s really just about the act - ‘mine is yours and that in you’. This is underlined by ‘better slovenly than again not’, he probably put the ‘again’ before the ‘not’ to let it stand out, again, so they already did it at least a couple of times, or better said, didn’t do it. Maybe they are in a relationship? But he can’t look at her anymore, he just wants her body for sex - and only the important parts. The contrast to that is the refrain, ‘We live only once, we love the life, we love the love, we love sex.’ The last sentence is ‘We live because … sex.’ So, he sings often they love the life and in the end it’s they only live for sex =  they love just the sex.

[spatort]

so i usually don’t watch dubbed versions of movies and tv shows these days if i can avoid it, but lately i’ve been watching the german dub of the good place (it’s a long story) and it’s so incredibly bad that i just need to rant about it.

first things first, i have mad respect for the people who write dubbing scripts. it’s one of the hardest jobs in the translation field, i tried to do it myself and i failed, and i don’t envy the people who had to translate this show in particular because it has so many current pop culture references and other stuff going on that’s just very ungrateful to translate into another culture and language.

that said, apart from some awkward grammar and stuff, there were two moments in particular that i just want to highlight because they made me go: dude, you needed to try harder. (and there are probably tons more i forgot but these ones stood out to me)

the first is when eleanor says she thought aristotle was pronounced like chipotle. and they just kept it in like that. just a literal translation into german. first of all, chipotle is not a thing in germany (it has one or two branches in the whole country and they’re both in frankfurt). secondly, aristotle in german is aristoteles, so saying you thought that “aristoteles” was pronounced like “chipotle” makes no.sense.at.all. frankly they needed to replace this entire sentence with something different, like make her stress the wrong syllable and find a german word that matches (off the top of my head: “aristotéles” (wrong accent) and “makrele” or something) maybe it’s not that funny but at least it doesnt leave you going wtf as a german.

the second is when someone quotes the ‘damn daniel’ meme and they just fucking translated that into german as well. like. jesus. i know this one is super hard and i don’t have an easy solution for it either. but you can’t just translate a whole meme into german, like, when german-speaking people quote english memes to each other they do it in english, duh. either the authors didn’t get the reference and didn’t bother to google it, or they were just lazy about it. i’m pretty sure it wasn’t even important for the plot, you could probably have replaced it with whatever the hell else that german people would get. hell, even letting them quote it in english would have been better than translating damn daniel into german.

on a side note, within the show the characters always refer to the good place as “der grüne bereich” which makes sense, they needed to translate it, but the show is called the good place in german. not der grüne bereich. or, as i would have called it, “alles im grünen bereich” (very cheesy but also very true to german tv show and movie naming conventions).

rant over.

[ibitchytimemachine]

Author Showcase

Ok so for this first Author Showcase, I decided to review four of my favorite fics from an author who writes mostly one shots. I love so much of what she writes, and am so excited when she posts something new because I know it is going to be in depth, emotional, twisty and just everything I want out of a fic. So we will be diving into four fics from @blacksheep1105, Fine, Royal Jewelry, The Sweetest Dream and her newest fic, Within. You can click each of these titles to read the fics, or you can click the titles in the post to go to the works!! Thoughts below the cut!

Fine

So this fic is absolutely my favorite story from Sheep. I love the whole message behind it. Bulma is feeling pretty shit about something doesn't matter what it is, cause people get pissy about serious shit and stupid shit so it's realistic. Yamcha is a total douche to her, blowing her off and then momma briefs just blows her off too. BUT then here comes Vegeta and he offers her what she needed, a sounding board.

So firstly, i love this idea of Vegeta seeking Bulma out when she's upset because he realizes she's helped him after the GR explosion just cause she's a good person. And he kinda liked that… and he kinda wants to share that feeling back with her. I can see that as a legit like canon reason their whole friendship turn relationship begins. Sure Vegeta is OOC in this fic, but he needs to be to get the moral across so it doesn't bother me.

Sheep has fantastic characterizations of Yamcha and Panchy too. Yamcha is completely oblivious, and carefree and douchey. Panchy is also oblivious and too happy and whatever…. She is like a stepford wife wanting and needing everything to be perfect.

This is the best thing ever. I have crippling anxiety/depression. Sometimes i freak out about seemingly stupid things. Sometimes i just need people to notice me. I'm not one to scream and make a big deal about my feelings (especially online) but sometimes i just try to tell people.. hey im not ok. If you run into someone who is not ok - let them vent. Please dont tell them its ok. And this is advice i need to take too cause i suck at people, but just be there for them. And go read this one shot cause it is fantastic.

The Sweetest Dream

So I think this is the fic most people know by her, and rightfully so. One thing that Sheep does really well is creating an atmosphere. From the very beginning of the piece you can feel the tension in the air, Bulma’s complete despondency. The way she fixates on certain objects in the room and describes how Bulma walks by them and thinks about them really adds to the idea of a great obsession or depression. I like the bookending of the scenes with words, helps drive home this obsessive feeling. And Bulma is very obsessed at this point. Vegeta is lost to war and her life is once again thrown into turmoil.

Each scene drives home the fact that Bulma is basically killing herself with grief. Between the details of things that happened in the past, and sheer world building that takes place all in one room of the palace (and the world feels so much larger than the palace which is really special) the story feels rich. One of my favorite details is when the servant comes in and she is wearing golden chains because she is going to be around the royals, but that she will go back to wearing the iron (or steel) chains when she is relegated to the kitchens in the upcoming week.

It is really nice touch that you need to pay attention to the passage of time. I have to admit I had to read the story a few times before I actually understood what was happening, but only because I didn’t pay attention to the time stamps. The utter horror that you feel at the end of the piece is so heartbreaking. Bulma gets her world torn away from her, then its given back and hell if it isn’t torn away again. The emotion in the piece is fantastic. Speaking of emotion…. This last scene with the Beeps… fuck it is heartbreaking. Like I cry reading it. She keeps this Beep throughout the scene and it helps build the tension and takes the emotion to another level by having the reader focus on this sound that is driving Bulma out of her dreamland… and the last beep reverberates so much because it is like a blackout scene at the end of a TV show and it just fucking rings in the audiences brain… Just very very intelligently written.

Royal Jewelry

So this piece is the first I read from her and there are several things I really love about it.

The first is the humor in it. It is not a serious piece and it is written in the way that reminds us that it is not serious. She was so smart in the way she chose words to elicit a humorous response in the reader. Even in some of the smut there is an irreverent humor that is just really special and I think adds exponentially to the charm of the piece. Bulma is in the IDGAF stage of dealing with Vegeta and his sex bullshit, hell even the name of the piece is a wink and its almost puny which I adore a good pun so that always good.

The next thing is the smut. Its just a fantasy, but it is written really well. Vegeta is imagining all these things and who the hell knows if it is actually gonna happen, but it is pretty damn detailed. Her choice of terminology is fantastic and really feels dirty in the best way. Her descriptions of things like the way Bulma is shaved and how Vegeta will push her deeper into the bed as he fucks her is really really hot. Also, I can’t forget to mention my personal favorite, when Vegeta is imagining how his dick will spread her lips as he puts it inside her. The imagery is just on point and really stellar.

The last thing I want to talk about is the tone of this piece and the growth that I see from this piece to her most recent fic Within. This piece is astoundingly different in tone from the other pieces I have reviewed here. She has a talent for writing heavier pieces, but she also writes humor and light things just as well which I really can’t say for everyone. This piece is good - I genuinely enjoy it, but it is quite a bit more raw feeling than her most recent pieces. I completely blame that on practice, she has been writing in this way a lot longer and the growth is astounding between this first piece of hers and the new stuff. This last piece is so well put together and I can see how her writing is just getting better and better and better with each piece she puts out. I am genuinely astounded by how good she was when she started putting pieces out there, but then I think about how fantastic Within is and there is such a difference in her writing. So I commend her on working at getting better.

Within

So this is Sheep’s submission for the Vegebulocracy Mini Bang 2019. It is absolutely fantastic and combines all of the best things she does into one piece (minus smut, there are a few hot scenes, but if you are looking for smut, its not here). The freaking tension she builds in this piece is fantastic. You really have no clue what the end game of the piece is until the very end. And then when the twist hits you, it is insane. The way she has Vegeta use his sexuallity against Bulma is fantastic. There are two places he freaking plays with her sexual attraction to him just for shits and giggles. And hell the last time he flirts with her, he does it simply to knock Bulma off her guard so he can get the information he wants out of her.

This is her best work. I say that knowing just how fucking good The Sweetest Dream is, but the range of emotions in this piece is really fantastic. She writes this wonderful sexual tension, humor, anger. And they all fit within the piece in a fantastic way, but also they are so in character. She uses the same bookending device where she repeats a phrase at the beginning and end of a scene and it works so nicely to anchor the main theme of each section. This is a freaking complex one shot and it was quite ambitious of her to write this for something like the Mini Bang.

If you don’t read anything else by her, read this one. She captures such an amazing range of emotion in it.It has this beautiful plot that feels meandering, but all of a sudden all the parts fit together and you see what is happening, which makes second read throughs so nice.  

Something I really love about Sheep’s writing, is the uniqueness of her ideas. I would have never come up with the twists that she did in The Sweetest Dream or Within. They are truly fantastic story ideas and hell if they aren’t really really well written. One thing that I will say is that as I read through her pieces again, I see so much growth in her writing. She started with Royal Jewels, which is NICE, but then when you read some of her other pieces you see this wonderful Craftsman she is. Because she is not a native English speaker some words have contextual issues, but the main idea is always there. Some slight grammar things are in the pieces, but they are not issues that take away from the reading experience at all. It takes her a lot of time to write, partly because of the fact she is writing in English instead of German, but I whole heartedly believe that her pieces are worth the wait. They are super unique, the twists are fabulous, they are slightly dark (which I love), really well written and I gotta be honest, sometimes I want a really good story that doesnt take me a week to read cause it is 300,000 words. Please take some time to go read this awesome authors works, I 100 percent recommend the above ones, but she has others that are really really great too!!

If you liked this review, after you check this fic out, head over to my A03 and read some of my stuff! 

[she-who-the-river-could-not-hold]

100 Questions!

Tagged by the wonderful @janes-mike, @caseyk112, and @el-and-hop! Thank you!!

1. What is your nickname? People call me Kat and Kath usually! The Kath originally was just an online nickname but then my boyfriend’s coworker called me it this weekend so it’s an official one now! I just let people decide if they want to use a nickname I always go by my full name otherwise

2. How old are you? 23! I turn 24 in less than a month though yikes

3. What is your birth month? July!

4. What is your zodiac sign? sun sign: cancer, moon sign: aries

5. What is your favorite color? black

6. What’s your lucky number? eh I don't really have one

7. Do you have any pets? sadly no, but my parents have a cat and a dog back home!

8. Where are you from? Idaho

9. How tall are you? 5' 6"

10. What shoe size are you? 9

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I don't even know it's a lot lol

12. Are you random? I am such a creature of habit it's actually absurd

13. Last person you texted? my parents!

14. Are you psychic in any way? the closest I've gotten was having a dream about my teeth rotting only to go to the dentist to find out I was having issues with my gums

15. Last TV show watched? idk if I watched TV this past week? probably Altered Carbon or the 100

16. Favorite movie? IMPOSSIBLE. Potential answers are Mad Max: Fury Road or Gone Girl

17. Favorite show from your childhood? Idk the name of it but there was a show hosted by Michelle Trachtenberg where she talked about haunted places? or one called "Endurance"

18. Do you want children? yes! probably no more than two though

19. Do you want a church wedding? ehhhhh not sure. Not really but also it seems stressful to get married outside. Maybe I'll say fuck it and elope at the Taco Bell Cantina in Vegas where you can get married.

20. What is your religion? theistic agnostic with interest in wicca (and witchcraft but I know that’s not considered a religion usually but more of a spirituality?)

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? not since being born!

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? closest I got was running a stop sign in college but I just got a warning

23. How is life? life is good right now!! really thankful

24. Baths or showers? showers but only because I live in an apartment. My bath tub is tiny af

25. What color socks are you wearing? I'm wearing those footie sock thingies for when you wear slides so like a tan color

26. Have you ever been famous? I guess getting voted to homecoming court in high school counts? pretty sure it was a fluke though I didn't like many people hahah

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? only for the money but so much else of it suckkkkss

28. What type of music do you like? everything pretty much? I suppose I don't listen to country music much but as a whole I listen to a wide variety

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? nope not really my thing

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? I have four on my bed but usually use two

31. What position do you usually sleep in? on my side

32. How big is your house? my apartment is a pretty good size I think for being in the city, it’s a two bedroom/two bath condo 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? a protein bar or toast!

34. Have you ever left the country? yes!

35. Have you ever tried archery? I might have at church camp once but I don’t really remember if I was good at it, I’d love to do it at a renaissance fair sometime!

36. Do you like anyone? I do and luckily he likes me too! three years and strong

37. Favorite swear word? fuck, it works for so many things. ass clown. bastards.

38. When do you fall asleep? usually around 11-11:30, I’d love to make that earlier

39. Do you have any scars? a couple leftover from the chicken pox!

40. Sexual orientation? straight

41. Are you a good liar? depends on what I’m trying to lie about

42. What languages would you like to learn? I used to be able to speak German so I’d love to get back into that! And then Spanish since I think that’s important as a person in the United States and I hate how bad I am at it

43. Top 10 songs? REFUSING TO ANSWER THIS

44. Do you like your country? Hmmmmmmmmmm. Yes and no. Currently our worst aspects are hella on display and I hate a lot of it. But I also enjoy living here since it’s where I’ve grown up and I’m interested in helping improve it. But obviously thanks to current politics I’m pretty angry about the state of things.

45. Do you have friends from the web? Oh man I’ve made so many friends on Tumblr in the last year! so yes I do!

46. What is your personality type? creative, type A

47. Hogwarts House? Slytherin

48. Can you curl your tongue? yep! just the hot dog style though not the clover thing

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to? Hermione Granger 100%

50. Left or right handed? right, though I can sorta write with my left hand since I tried to train myself how to do it in high school

51. Are you scared of spiders? oh my god yes

52. Favorite food? ahhhhh. Maybe BBQ (South Carolina style) or Tex-Mex

53. Favorite foreign food? Probably Italian followed by German

54. Are you a clean or messy person? v messy but I’m really really really trying to get better

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? go out at night and not be afraid. enjoy having pockets.

56. What color underwear? uhh blue? I think?

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? if it’s a normal morning, Usually an hour. I’ll start showering around 7:30ish and then I’m usually dressed and ready by 8:30-40ish.

58. Do you have much of an ego? In some regards yes, in some no. I’m extremely confident in my work and what I put out there, but when it comes to myself as a person I have zero ego hahaha. Very far from it.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? I wait to bite until it’s nearly gone!

60. Do you talk to yourself? I mean internally yeah? but that’s just thinking right? so yes?

61. Do you sing to yourself? mmm not really. I’ll drunkenly sing but not a lot no

62. Are you a good singer? NOPE LOLOLOLOL

63. Biggest Fears? failure, not accomplishing my goals

64. Are you a gossip? I try not to be but I’m susceptible to it

65. Are you a grammar nazi? I used to be a lot worse but for the most part I’ve relaxed, unless it’s at work

66. Do you have long or short hair? I have medium length hair on the shorter end!

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? it took me ages to find a quiz that didn’t have a map with it but I was able to get 41/50 from memory in 4 minutes!

68. Favorite school subject? always was Art and English which has worked out pretty well!

69. Extrovert or Introvert? extrovert! to the fullest of the definition 

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? nope! probably won’t because that shit sounds terrifying to me

71. What makes you nervous? the idea of failing, disappointing people I love

72. Are you scared of the dark? kinda? a bit of the unknown aspect of it

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? yessssss 

74. Are you ticklish? terribly so but I’ve found the older you get the less people try to tickle you THANK GOD I will fight anyone that touches me

75. Have you ever started a rumor? not to my knowledge

76. Have you ever been out of your home country? yes!

77. Have you ever drank underage? Yep! though only a year or so off from the legal age

78. Have you ever done drugs? nope! I don’t think briefly smoking a cigarette, cigar, and hookah thing once each really count. Smoking is even a dramatic way to described it. Puffed a couple times and passed it off because meh.

79. What do you fantasize about? having enough money to be able to live in the place I want and have it furnished like I want, be able to travel everywhere, pay back my parents for everything they’ve helped me with, spoil the shit out of people, being able to donate to as many charities and creators that I can

80. How many piercings do you have? none! closed up my earlobes in middle school

81. Can you roll your R’s? I’m so hilariously bad at this it’s impossible for me

82. How fast can you type? I think last time I tested myself I did 90 wpm and 76 if I was typing on my phone

83. How fast can you run? not fast at all but I’m working on it

84. What color is your hair? brown

85. What color are your eyes? brown

86. What are you allergic to? nothing! unless it’s bullshit

87. Do you keep a journal? Tumblr count? otherwise nope

88. Are you depressed about anything? If I think too long about how we’re not doing anything about this planet, the lack of interest in gun control from our legislators, or the deaths in the Middle East that are at the fault of the US (intentionally or by us ignoring those who need help) I feel really helpless and sad. But nah not really. 

89. Do you like your age? 23 is... chill. I think I’ve got until 25 to panic.

90. What makes you angry? EVERYTHING. Incompetent coworkers who don’t respect my job or process. Republicans across the board and a shit ton of establishment Democrats. That our Earth is dying. How people in this city don’t hold doors open for anyone. Wars that we support or won’t get out of or turn our cheeks to (as a nation). My inability to actually take care of myself/my laziness.

91. Do you like your own name? Yeah it’s cool! I like it more now I think. I also like old-fashioned sounding names.

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? I can’t speak for my very younger self but not that I can remember

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? I’d be fine with either! I’d have to scramble if I had only boys though I have infinitely more “girl” names that I like

94. What talents do you have? graphic design, art, writing, photography, badass houses in the sims (jk I’m okay at it), terrible puns

95. Sun or moon? MOON always

96. How did you get your name? it’s my late grandmother’s name!

97. Are you religious? Not massively, I grew up Lutheran and then went to a couple of different churches. Went through a hard atheist phase in middle school. Now I’m most comfortable identifying with the term agnostic theistic since long story short I’m not against the concept of a higher being, I believe things happen for a reason, I’ve always believed in energies, which can be connected to meditation and praying. I’m currently researching wicca and witchcraft though I’m probably far off from identifying with either of those. Oops that was long I have a lot of thoughts.

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? I haven’t actually, though considered one in high school for a brief amount of time.

99. Color of your bedspread? white with black flowers and green petals!

100. Color of your room? white walls since I’m renting

Tagging: @thezoomermax, @dustinhendrsn, @jane-el-hopper, @littledancersun, @sweet-sugar-sunsets, and @the-most-beautiful-broom!

[meichenxi]

*rant commencing*

ok guys let’s sit down and have a think about the way we talk to kids, particularly neurodivergent ones, and the weight it carries

the other day, I opened up to a friend about something really hurtful my best (and only) friend said to me when I was fifteen. It was a moment of emotional intimacy and the first time I had brought it up seven years later and, once again, I got laughed at and told I was too fucking sensitive

and ok maybe yeah I was a ridiculous child. I’m a ridiculous adult, that shouldn’t be surprising. But this hurt and hurt and hurt and I was trying to think about why this in particular and not anything else was so painful

so here’s the situation. at fifteen, like many smart kids, everyone thought the world was open to me. Ok I had no social skills to speak of and was ostracised by teachers and students and family, but I was an optimistic kid, and in a disaster of a home situation (involving kidnappings and court cases and running away and being out of school for a year and a brother starting drugs at 12 and living in a shelter and basically just a LOT) I was always the smiley helpful one. and apart from being defeated by very simple mechanisms like idk drawers or biscuit packets, I picked things up quickly. I took GCSEs early and extra and tutored others; I was a regional competitive swimmer in breaststroke and open water; I taught myself the flute and got into an international touring youth orchestra without lessons; I won a poetry competition for adults in primary school; I played competitive netball and was a long distance runner; I drew and sold my art; I wrote shitty novels and started making conlangs and was interviewed on bbc world about it; I loved performing and was invited to join a theatre company when I left school; and my biggest passion in the entire world apart from Tolkien was martial arts. And the best thing was for my parents - one of whom was disabled and didn’t work and the other who was a cleaner - is that I worked two paper rounds and tutored younger children and earned all of the money for it myself. blah blah blah. I was your mum’s friend’s kid. 

well, I’m a disaster adult, so you can probably guess that none of that lasted for very long. and there are gazillions of people here with exactly the same story. 

the point in question, though, was when I was fifteen and thinking about sixth form (the last two years of school in the UK) it was becoming clear alarmingly fast that you weren’t allowed to just keep doing everything you loved. at some point you had to make a choice. 

but how could I give up swimming for music? Or music for languages? Or languages for athletics? Or athletics for theatre? or, actually, all of them but one???? how did people just know what they had to do with their lives? how did they choose? 

the problem was, I said to my friend, I know I could do well at any of them, so how was I supposed to choose? (tactless and a stupid thing to say and also just not true but I was fifteen and simultaneously disgustingly cocky and cripplingly insecure) And he laughed and said, well, fuck you then. 

oh noooo. poor meeeeeee. I’m so fucking good at things what do I dooooo

I haven’t stopped thinking about that comment for seven years. Every single time I think about wasting my potential, every time I can’t sleep because I’m terrified that I’m not being productive or useful and hating myself because I’m upset that I can’t do something right away and I know it’s a stupid thing to be upset about - I think about that comment. I’m lucky. It’s alright for some. 

because, actually, being expected to know what to do with your life aged 15 is a fucking terrifying thing. we were kids at fifteen being told to make decisions as if we had all the facts, as if we weren’t also being blindfolded and spun around in circles until we couldn’t stand. Do you do what your parents say? what you think you want to do? what your teachers say? do you just stay in education even though it’s not for you because your dream is stupid, or because you don’t have a dream like everyone else seems to? are you supposed to have a dream?

*it’s NOT a stupid thing to worry about*

particularly when? well, when your entire self worth equates to the things that you output, the things that you do. so just for a moment, put yourself in the shoes of all of these wonderful, dazzling, damaged, crazy kids with big dreams and big hearts, kids that are struggling right now and kids that are our future, and imagine that you’ve been told since you were old enough to read or speak or walk that you’re just so very clever

isn’t it just wonderful how clever you are? isn’t it just great how we never need to worry about you? you’re such an easy child, it’s a blessing. always so considerate, so thoughtful, never making a fuss! isn’t it just fantastic how well you do in school? I can’t imagine what it must be like to have a child who went to all of those nasty parties. you’re so dedicated

raise your hand if you were only ever told you were good. raise your hand if you were never told you were kind. 

so, what happens? you take a child, and you tell them for its entire childhood that they’re clever. You don’t tell them that they’re creative, or hard-working, or dedicated, or driven, or helpful. You let them know that it’s ok that they’re weird, because they’re going to be successful. what do you think parents say to their kid who’s crying because she has no friends and she doesn’t understand what the other children are thinking and why they would hurt each other like that? even good parents, the very best of them, say things like: you’re just more mature than they are. it doesn’t matter. keep your head down - you’ll show them. 

your child, in the best case scenario, has access to her hyperfixation that makes the world big and bright and beautiful. she’s a bit weird, but it’s kind of cute. anyway, she’s good at it. and as long as she succeeds, conventionally, and you get to brag, then it’s ok that she’s a little bit unconventional.

and then things to break, just a little. and then, aged eleven, your child is having an asthma attack in the classroom because she got so anxious she couldn’t answer a maths question she couldn’t breathe. it’s ok, her parents tell her the next day. you’re just not good at maths - that’s alright. you don’t have to be good at everything

your child, because she’s perceptive, begins to realise that things don’t get better as you get older. people are just as cruel at 12 as they are at 7, and they’ll be just as cruel at 15. and then one day, as a bad joke because she doesn’t really understand humour, she writes a fake text to her dad from someone’s phone in legalese that actually has a secret code hidden it in that she knows her dad will crack right away because he’s brilliant. she thinks it’s hilarious. her father thinks he is being threatened, and spends the next week in meltdown, bedridden and burnt-out. and when she owns up, he turns and snaps at her, and says as if you could write something like that. an ADULT wrote this, not a fucking child

and suddenly, that cleverness they kept talking about? they don’t even understand that. 

suddenly, no one sees her at all. 

she needs to learn to be like the other kids. to be like a fucking child. and while she’s learning, she doesn’t speak for a year

that happened to me, but take your pick - I’m sure you don’t have to look far to find examples of your own. 

My point is this: if you tell a child for their entire life that the only thing that is worthy of being loved is what they achieve, if every time they do something they love you tell them oh, you could be a famous writer! you’re so talented! rather than saying that you loved listening to their story, if you only praise them when they’re good and quiet and convenient and tell them that as long as they succeed, it doesn’t matter if they don’t have friends or if they’re miserable, and THEN you tell them to choose ONE THING and drop 90% of everything that makes them who they are - 

what the hell did you THINK was going to happen??

because here’s the first thing. for many kids, whether that’s because of neurodivergence or age maturity or whatever, hyper fixations and hobbies aren’t just things they like to do. THEY ARE LIFELINES. they’re the things these kids go to when they’re hurt, angry, upset, because they make sense. for many kids, especially but not always girls, they are able to camouflage themselves and mask tendencies of neurodivergence because they’re ‘good students’. at a family gathering once, my mum, so frustrated at my inability and lack of desire to talk to any members of my extended family, snatched my German grammar book and locked it in the boot of the car. knowing that I escape and read it in the toilet was the only thing keeping me going, exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed. I vomited on the grass.

and here’s the second thing. you tell us from an early age that they only way we’ll ever be acceptable to the rest of society is if we succeed. autistic kids are fine, as long as they’re international maths olympiad champions. adhd kids are fine, as long as they’re famous athletes. if you’re obsessed with musicals that’s ok, as long as that obsession leads to a well-paying job as a successful writer on Broadway. 

and then you tell us that we only have one chance at that success? and this decision determines the rest of our lives? and that we had so much potential when we were kids, and we better not waste it now? that not everyone is so lucky to be able to choose between so many things?? 

because being asked to choose between these things isn’t being asked to choose a hobby. when the only way anyone else defines you positively is by your success in one area, that becomes your entire identity. 

so no, we’re not being too sensitive when you ask us to pick and choose what career, or what hobby to take forward. you’re not asking about hobbies. you’re asking us to choose what kind of person we want to be. you’re asking us to choose the most impactful way we can give back to the world, because we can’t waste those god-given talents. you’re asking us to figure out, still a child and hopelessly lost, what our purpose on this planet is. and you’re looking at us as if the ways that we survived all of these years, the things we clung to for comfort, are things we can just cast aside without further thought

ask me now, and I’ll tell you that’s not the way things work. we have second chances and third ones and tenth ones, we can be different things to different people and we can do different things at different parts in our lives, and be successful in different areas. life isn’t a fucking flowchart. and I’m still trying to come to terms with all the things I could have been, and my freak-outs about ‘wasted potential’ are so clockwork I could plan my calendar around them, but I’m beginning to understand that life doesn’t end when you’re twenty, or when you haven’t written a best-seller by eighteen. you have time.   

but at fifteen? at fifteen, that question broke me. 

do you know what you can do instead? you can show a little thoughtfulness. you can be kinder, and lead by example, and praise your kids when they’re kind too. when your son runs to you and shows you what you think is a better picture than you - a stick figure artisan, if you say so yourself - could ever create, you can actually just say you really like it. you can ask him if that’s him and daddy and the dog on a cloud. describe the picture back to him, and engage with this thing he’s made from his imagination - tell him the clouds he’s drawn are so big and fluffy and white, and ask if there are giant spiders living there. you know how to shut a child up? tell them yes dear, it’s wonderful. don’t be that person. promote your kid’s creativity - ask questions, have fun, play with this thing they’ve made - and not destroy it

when your daughter comes to you and shows you a song she’s written, don’t tell her she’s so talented or that she could be a musician one day. just sing along. ask her why she wrote it, and what she was thinking of when she did. ask her if she could make it different for two people singing it at the same time. 

and if your child just really, really loves maths? let them do maths. it’s ok if their interests are stereotypical - as long as they love it and it’s fun, supporting them is wonderful. the best present my father ever got me was five hours of tutoring - an introduction to linguistics!! - when I turned twelve, starting on my birthday at 8am. I had never felt so understood and so loved. 

as much as these simple things can destroy someone’s life, can stop them talking for a year, you have the chance to be that one voice of kindness that is a friend where a young person needs it most. 

for me, this was the Bus Lady. I never knew her first name because I forgot immediately and was too embarrassed to ask again, but we got the bus together for two years right before I applied to university - she was a trainee teacher at my school. she saw that I missed tutor group and sat in the corridor every morning writing, and that I ran laps for an hour every lunchtime instead of sitting alone. but she came and sat with me one morning and asked what I was doing; I was developing a new shorthand and told her so warily. 

she didn’t raise her eyebrows or say wow, that’s...that’s amazing. instead she frowned and looked at me skeptically and said ‘But why would you do that? There are plenty of functional shorthands out there - what does your shorthand have that they don’t? Tell me about it.’

I had no idea what to say

this was the first time anyone had actually ENGAGED in any capacity with what I was doing. and just like that, just by treating me seriously and asking valid questions and pointing out inconsistencies, I was a person who happened to have an idea that was in some serious need of questioning, and not a freak

there’s no way she remembers that interaction; she’s been a teacher now for year and probably doesn’t even remember who I am. But I had been this close to not going to university, to not bothering, and she made me stop, and wait a moment

she will never know the difference that that conversation and two months of kindness on the bus from a stranger made in my life. 

so let’s be kind to each other, please. let’s be forgiving. let’s challenge each other and let’s engage with kids with special interests and listen to them talk. and so to any educators or teachers or parents or even other kids, I want to say - let’s treat our words seriously and with respect, like we treat our children, because they have immense capacity to hurt, because they can be used for good. 

to any other fifteen year olds in a similar position, I just want to say: none of us here on tumblr have properly sorted our lives out, but I promise you it does get so much better.

you’re not too sensitive. you’re not a freak. you’re not only acceptable because you succeed. I know if you’re masking you feel you have to and it’s for survival, and I’m sorry, because you shouldn’t have to. and you should never, never have to think that you ‘have it good’ or that you’re lucky and are not allowed to hurt. there’s always some one who has it worse, and you can’t stop beat yourself up about that. fuck anyone who tells you otherwise. if you have gone through trauma, if you have unhealthy coping mechanisms, if you are depressed or anxious or otherwise mentally ill and some of it stems from this, I am so very very sorry. but you will be ok, even if you can’t write for a couple of years, or even if things change. you’ll get there. speaking as someone who is now writing for the first time in six years, drawing for the first time in longer, it’s scary and new and weird, but you will come out the other side. 

and you do work hard. and you are creative. and you are loved. and you are so very, very kind.

*rant over*

[mcrmadness]

how well is your german? im german and ive always thought finnish is a very interesting language, but it seems insanely difficult!

I started learning German a bit over 10 years ago, with longer pauses here and there. I usually get B1 or B2 as a result of (free) online language level tests, so I'd say my German is around intermediate or advanced level currently.

I can read it to some extent, I still use a dictionary a lot and often use Reverso for checking out sentences I can't wrap my head around too well. But like, I can read German text and have an idea of what it's about as long as the text is not too complicated. Sayings and idioms still cause a bit of problems as I don't know enough of those yet.

Understanding audio is alright too, it depends a lot on the audio quality, the dialect the people are speaking, and their speaking habits. I'd say I understand about 50-80% of stuff, sometimes even everything. And also: thanks to dä, sometimes I understand Berlinerisch better than I can understand even standard German. (This has also affected the way I pronounce some words or sounds.)

Writing and speaking are the hardest for me. Altho, not necessarily the pronunciation - I find German rather easy to pronounce, with only some sounds that are difficult (mainly those with too many consonants in a row). I just don't use German for speaking nor writing anywhere so obviously producing text in German is more difficult to me. I did make a Journaly page myself just to write more in German as a practice, but I have written on there just once so far. I'm incredibly insecure about my language skills so it feels really scary to publicly use your target language, especially when not fluent in it. With English I didn't have any other options than using it, so I learnt to write and speak it quite fast, but with German I can always hide behind English if I'm not feeling sure about myself.

---

About Finnish: they say that it's one of the most difficult languages in the world, or at least in Europe, but I'd say it actually depends on your own mother tongue and the other languages you already know.

If thinking of it from the European viewpoint: It's a difficult language because it's not related to the majority of European languages at all. So the vocabulary looks very different, altho we do have loads of loanwords originating from Germanic or even Slavic languages.

More under the cut ->

The biggest difference is probably how (almost) everything is pronounced exactly how it's written too. And then we have the compound words, which are not really a new thing for a German :D Just like in German, we take one word that is the core word and then add there one or more words to specify that core word - easy! Another plus side for German natives: the Finnish alphabet is very similar to German alphabet, only some letters are pronounced slightly differently.

The 15 different grammatical cases often cause problems to people as well, but there are so many because we don't have as many prepositions, so we use cases instead. We do have several postpositions too, but those exist in other languages too.

But yeah, as a Finn I can't really say if Finnish is difficult or not. I don't need to really think about it as a native speaker, but I can tell you that sometimes some of the grammar stuff fucks even us natives up and we sit here googling how to conjugate a word in a case you rarely ever need to use :D

I think Finnish being my mother tongue has its pros and cons when learning other languages. I'm quite fast at learning the grammar stuff of languages, but really slow at picking up vocabulary. I think my accent in German is alright, but awful in English. English phonetics are just so different from Finnish, that sometimes I just can't pronounce something even if I knew exactly how to say it. My mouth just physically cannot do that, and I feel like my brain.exe stops working completely when I try to copy those sounds anyway.

So I don't think it necessarily is that difficult of a language to learn for someone who's German. The alphabet looks very similar, lots of the sounds (especially vowel sounds) are the same or very similar too...

So yeah, idk if Finnish is really that difficult, but then again they also say that Hungarian is one of the hardest languages, and I have learnt that a bit through Duolingo and I don't find it that difficult at all. But I don't know if that's because these languages are distant relatives, and maybe I just Finnish as my advantage... idk :D

[the-most-beautiful-broom]

100 questions

it’s long so it’s under the cut, but man was this fun. thanks for the tag @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold ♥ i’ll tag my loves (if you want to haha this is a lot) @dylanobrienisbatman @blueshirtbell @granger--danger @nightbleeder

1. What is your nickname? lol I have so many. Linds is the most common on here though.

2. How old are you? 23

3. What is your birth month? october

4. What is your zodiac sign? libra, but it’s only like 60% accurate imo (I’m not fragile, or a flirt? ya girl can be charismatic, but I don’t think that’s the same?)

5. What is your favorite color? green

6. What’s your lucky number? when I was in high school/sports, I picked 13 for my number because everyone was like oooo it’s unlucky and I was like cool, guess I’ll win while wearing an unlucky number then (and that’s today’s slytherin mood)

7. Do you have any pets? not in the city with me :(

8. Where are you from? california

9. How tall are you? 5’ 9"

10. What shoe size are you? 10

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? more than I should, probs

12. Are you random? oh goodness no. I believe in patterns and I’m pretty dang predictable.

13. Last person you texted? my sister

14. Are you psychic in any way? lol no

15. Last TV show watched? queer eye again

16. Favorite movie? IMPOSSIBLE <--stealing Kath’s answer on this one

17. Favorite show from your childhood? sooooo we didn’t have a tv haha my mom really really wanted her daughters to be well read

18. Do you want children? I want to foster!

19. Do you want a church wedding? I’m not sure? i’d want everyone to be comfortable and they might not be in a church…I do know that I want a brunch wedding though, bc dancing isn’t my thing and breakfast food is

20. What is your religion? I’m Christian! Seventh-day Adventist is the specific denomination, but nobody ever really knows what to do with that haha

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? not for me/like I’m sick, but for other people, yeah, too much

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? Lol not at all. I’ve gotten pulled over four times, but never ticketed though.

23. How is life? better than I deserve

24. Baths or showers? showers

25. What color socks are you wearing? i’m wearing heels for work, so no socks

26. Have you ever been famous? goodness no, whatever for?

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? I think I would, to get to have that platform to make a change and give other people a voice would be awesome

28. What type of music do you like? something with words that mean something, or a melody that surprises you. I’m so weak for key changes though…I’ve always said that my perfect music is driving music: I can belt it alone on a highway at 3am, or laugh over it with friends in the afternoon.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? nope

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? two

31. What position do you usually sleep in? on my right side, with my hands under my pillow

32. How big is your house? it’s a nyc apartment, fam, it’s the size of a broom closet. it’s cozy though, and I love it

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? I’m so bad at eating breakfast…if I do get something, it’s at the bagel place across the street from my office

34. Have you ever left the country? ages ago

35. Have you ever tried archery? on retreats/for school; I wanted to be like robin hood

36. Do you like anyone? I might have a bit of a crush at the moment and it is stressing me out

37. Favorite swear word? so I literally never swear irl, and the first time I swore online was when I was writing my stranger things fic—it’s literally impossible to write dustin and steve and have them not cuss?? ummm I don’t know, they all have their purposes, but I think fuck is just next level emphatic. it’s crazy that it’s just a word, but it conveys so much when you use it

38. When do you fall asleep? if/when I establish a normal sleeping schedule, I’ll let you know

39. Do you have any scars? in the middle of one of my eyebrows, from when I cracked my head open as a kid, which is why I always fill my eyebrows in. also acne scars, which I’m working on not caring about.

40. Sexual orientation? straight

41. Are you a good liar? yes

42. What languages would you like to learn? Literally all of them, so many. I’d love to learn Tagalog so I could have that connection with my mom’s side of the family, and then Spanish is just so beautiful and I really should’ve kept up with it after high school. French and German and Italian would be nice too, and then maybe an ancient language or three?  

43. Top 10 songs? REFUSING TO ANSWER THIS <--again, stealing kath’s answer. y’all know how much music I listen to and cry over, so you know I can’t do this

44. Do you like your country? yes but not my leadership. I love the people of this country and I hate that the voices of the few are the ones that are loudest and that are yelling and that are deciding. the people of my country aren’t being represented or heard or protected and it breaks my heart.

45. Do you have friends from the web? I do! from this blog and I ran a fashion blog for a while, so from insta too

46. What is your personality type? MBTI: estj, enneagram: 2w3.

47. Hogwarts House? slytherin (as if anyone couldn’t tell)

48. Can you curl your tongue? no

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to? emma woodhouse (I wish I could say lizzie bennet, but it’s got to be emma)

50. Left or right handed? right

51. Are you scared of spiders? not really? my sister is, so I always had to kill them

52. Favorite food? bread

53. Favorite foreign food? mexican (one of the perks of growing up near the border)

54. Are you a clean or messy person? I’m an orderly person…but sometimes that manifests itself in organized chaos BUT I KNOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS OKAY

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? call out my coworkers and not be written off as emotional/sensitive

56. What color underwear? black

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? most days like 20 minutes? from horizontal in bed to out the door...but if i have to do my hair, tap another 3 hours on that, because it has to air dry

58. Do you have much of an ego? so this is complicated because i have high confidence in my capabilities and performance, but struggle with my worth and importance independent of those

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? I don’t really care for lollipops, they just make me want to brush my teeth

60. Do you talk to yourself? yep

61. Do you sing to yourself? also yep

62. Are you a good singer? oh it’s so relative, fam. I can harmonize pretty well, so I’m a good backup singer

63. Biggest Fears? insignificance

64. Are you a gossip? not really. I hate complaining, and I really hate when other people complain; i’m just like okay so what did you do about it? 

65. Are you a grammar nazi? if someone knows better, in a context when they should know better, then yes. so like, in a paper, for a presentation, yeah. people ask for help bc I’m good at what I do. but also it’s such a construct that we judge people off of, so I work on not doing that outside of a professional/scholarly context? also I’m a big believer in knowing the rules and breaking them to make a point (see: all my lower case answers, run on sentences, etc.)  

66. Do you have long or short hair? I pixie-d my hair back in august and regret it constantly lol. it had to be done though

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? i mean, probably? I’ve been to most of them

68. Favorite school subject? always english

69. Extrovert or Introvert? literally the most extroverted extrovert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? nope

71. What makes you nervous? when I see kids wandering and their parents not noticing

72. Are you scared of the dark? no

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? if we’re alone and I can help them, sure. I despise when people publicly reprimand someone for an unintentional error; it’s just so inconsiderate  

74. Are you ticklish? I find people’s obsession with tickling so weird lol

75. Have you ever started a rumor? no

76. Have you ever been out of your home country? …did we not already do this one?

77. Have you ever drank underage? lol fam I don’t drink at all

78. Have you ever done drugs? no

79. What do you fantasize about? paying off all my student debt, having an apartment in all my favorite cities, being able to travel. being an English professor. sometimes growing old with someone; most of the times being a mentor to younger women/getting to be someone i didn’t have

80. How many piercings do you have? none

81. Can you roll your R’s? yeah

82. How fast can you type? not very, which is funny because I work in IT, but I don’t type with my pinkies so that’s a mess

83. How fast can you run? lol I don’t run

84. What color is your hair? brown

85. What color are your eyes? hazel (green + brown)

86. What are you allergic to? mold and one very specific type of grass

87. Do you keep a journal? no

88. Are you depressed about anything? I disagree with how this question is worded but okay. ummm the fact that all my money goes to student loans and rent? misogyny in the workplace? hypocrisy in my government? the lack of love and empathy expressed by people who profess to be believers in love and empathy? that’s a good start 

89. Do you like your age? it’s where I’m at, either way

90. What makes you angry? willful ignorance

91. Do you like your own name? I do

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? no

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? not to be a cliché, but all children are gifts? Like I don’t want to physically bear children, but if they’re there, they deserve love (hence the foster thing-- there are SO many kids in a broken system that need security and someone to care for them, and nobody helps them and that just shouldn’t be)

94. What talents do you have? public speaking and writing. I have a passion for making people feel welcomed and known and loved, so I hope that too

95. Sun or moon? sunshine; I’ll always be a SoCal girl at heart

96. How did you get your name? my parent’s loved the meaning

97. Are you religious? I am, yeah. it’s been a journey—other people believing blindy makes me so mad, as well as people who never question their faith or grow in it, or act in a way that shows they don’t actually believe what they say they do—but yeah, my faith is hugely important to me.  

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? I have not, although the farther away I get from some things, the more I think I ought to

99. Color of your bedspread? white with gray tassels

100. Color of your room? white walls and an exposed brick wall

[urdearestmom]

100 Questions

Tagged by @bob-newby-superhero thanks!!

1. What is your nickname? Sari, Sarita, Sarinha

2. How old are you? 18

3. What is your birth month? December

4. What is your zodiac sign? Sagittarius

5. What is your favourite colour? Green!

6. What’s your lucky number? 17 because it’s my birthday lmao

7. Do you have any pets? No but I really want a cat. Everyone in my family has dogs

8. Where are you from? I’m Luso-Canadian (my family is from Portugal but we live in Canada)

9. How tall are you? My driver’s license says 160 cm but the doctor told me 163. Either way, around 5’3”

10. What shoe size are you? Uhh depends on the shoe but usually 6.5-7

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Many, but I always wear the same shit lol

12. Are you random? Sometimes, I guess

13. Last person you texted? I texted myself pictures from my mom’s phone. Last message in general was to @eljane-hoppers

14. Are you psychic in any way? Haha sometimes I think I am, but my mom is more >:^)

15. Last TV show watched? Saw an episode of Four Weddings on TLC this morning

16. Favourite movie? The Book Thief or The Greatest Showman

17. Favourite show from your childhood? iCarly!! Used to watch it religiously after school every day it was on

18. Do you want children? Yes, but definitely not right now lmao

19. Do you want a church wedding? Kind of yeah. It’ll depend on who I end up marrying but it’d probably be some kind of disgrace if I didn’t get married in a church

20. What is your religion? I am Catholic

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Yup tons of times, whether for myself or other people

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? Nope, I am a Child of God™

23. How is life? Could be better, probably, but it’s pretty chill right now

24. Baths or showers? Showers, but I also really like baths

25. What colour socks are you wearing? Bold of you to assume I’m wearing socks at all

26. Have you ever been famous? I mean if you google my name the results are me. I was on CBC because I was in the national spelling bee in 2012

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? I feel like it’d be fun and cool for a while but then I’d get tired of it. I don’t like having people all up in my business and that seems like what life is like for big celebrities :/ But having a lot of influence would be awesome

28. What type of music do you like? Literally anything except country music (I’m not all that into rap/trap music either, but I can appreciate it from time to time) here’s a playlist of my favourite stuff it’s like seven hours long but if you go through it you’ll see it’s really all kinds :)

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Maybe and I don’t remember? My childhood was a questionable era

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2, both under my head

31. What position do you usually sleep in? I usually fall asleep on my side but I almost always wake up on my back so I don’t actually know how I’m sleeping

32. How big is your house? 2 stories and a basement

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Cup of milk with something else, usually a bowl of cereal or bread/croissant with Nutella

34. Have you ever left the country? YeET I’ve been to Portugal a bunch of times, Spain once, and to France on a 5-hour layover but we didn’t leave the airport and I don’t remember it anyway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

35. Have you ever tried archery? Does it count if it was on Wii Sports? And yeah once and I was terrible at it

36. Do you like anyone? I think so and it sucks because he’s my friend :(

37. Favourite swear word? Probably fuck, I say it a lot. But I also say shit a lot so I mean idrk

38. When do you fall asleep? Oof regularly past midnight, but the time varies

39. Do you have any scars? A giant burn mark on my leg and a very faint lil thing on my right hand from this time I accidentally did an entire flip in my driveway

40. Sexual orientation? Was previously sure I was straight but I’m kind of starting to question that?

41. Are you a good liar? I like to think that I’m a very convincing actress

42. What languages would you like to learn? Mm I already speak Portuguese (if you ever wanna learn something hmu), and I learned some French because that’s mandatory in Canada but I dropped it and I want to get back into it. So, French! I also learned some German this year and I might continue with it. Also maybe Spanish, I can already understand some

43. Top 10 songs? Umm

Love Is A Battlefield - Pat Benatar

Rock You Like A Hurricane - Scorpions

Theme From New York, New York - Frank Sinatra

True Faith - New Order

Age Of Consent - New Order

A Million Dreams - The Greatest Showman OST

Second Waltz - Dmitri Shostakovich

Power Of Love - Celine Dion

Johnny B. Goode - Chuck Berry

Halo - Beyonce

44. Do you like your country? Canada? Yeah, I love it except for the stupid ass weather. I get sick every fucking time the season changes

45. Do you have friends from the web? Yeeee!! They’re all awesome people

46. What is your personality type? INFP- there’s more info here if you want to know what that means

47. Hogwarts House? Ravenclaw ftw bitches

48. Can you curl your tongue? Yesssss

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to? Buzzfeed told me that, based on my music taste, I am “a student of classic rock like School of Rock’s Dewey Finn” (but actually HA I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I LOVED JACK BLACK IN THAT MOVIE)

50. Left or right handed? Righttttt

51. Are you scared of spiders? They don’t scare me as much as induce some kind of panic, but it really depends what kind of spider. Really little ones are actually kind of cute, but big spiders send me into cardiac arrest

52. Favourite food? Akjsnfskd PASTA

53. Favourite foreign food? Idk man I’m already picky af with my food. If I live in Canada does that make the Portuguese food I eat on a daily basis foreign because if so I loooooove me some fuckin barbecued chicken

54. Are you a clean or messy person? Fairly clean. If I wasn’t my mother would hurt me lol

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? Idk probably figure out how to pee standing up, maybe make use of the ability to lie on my stomach without hurting my chest :)

56. What colour underwear? I think this is turquoise

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? Depends what I’m getting ready for. On a regular day, ten minutes tops. If I’m going out to an event it can be upwards of an hour; sometimes less, sometimes more

58. Do you have much of an ego? Idk if it’s ego so much as me being confident in myself. Anyone who has a problem with me and decides to be rude about it can suck my non-existent dick

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? I try to suck them but it never lasts for long, I almost always bite them unless I’m really concentrating on not biting

60. Do you talk to yourself? Lmfao only ALL THE TIME

61. Do you sing to yourself? Yeee

62. Are you a good singer? I don’t think I’ll blow out your eardrums but I know I’m not the best either. I’ll just say I’m not terrible

63. Biggest Fears? Heights and deep water

64. Are you a gossip? I live for drama does that make me a gossip

65. Are you a grammar nazi? Yeah if I’m talking to someone I’m very comfortable with (my cousin for example) or if I’m trying to be petty

66. Do you have long or short hair? Long! I’m growing it out so I can be really dramatic and chop it all off later (also thinking of donating it)

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? I can name almost all of them but I always forget a few. I think it’s pretty good considering I was never taught American geography

68. Favourite school subject? Instrumental music and history were my favourites

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Idk I guess extroverted introvert? Is that a thing???? I’m really awkward and panicky in social situations with people I don’t know but if I have friends around I’m just here to have the time of my life

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No

71. What makes you nervous? Having to talk to people I don’t know (it literally makes me panic it’s horrible)

72. Are you scared of the dark? Sometimes, yeah

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Lmao ok this depends on who the person is and if I’m in that kind of mood (but when I was a kid I used to correct my teachers)

74. Are you ticklish? Yes very

75. Have you ever started a rumour? No

76. Have you ever been out of your home country? Yes, I’ve been to Portugal a bunch of times, Spain once, and France on a layover

77. Have you ever drank underage? Chugged a cup of beer by accident when I was 6 oops

78. Have you ever done drugs? No but even if I had I don’t think I would say it here unless it was something minor like weed

79. What do you fantasize about? Travelling the world!!!!! And like, being a successful adult because right now I have no idea what the actual fuck I’m doing with my life

80. How many piercings do you have? Two, one in each ear

81. Can you roll your Rs? You gotta in Portuguese! I’m also fairly sure my French and German pronunciations are pretty much on point most of the time so I can do those types of R sounds as well

82. How fast can you type? Pretty fast on my phone and not slow on my laptop either (when you’re a writer you end up learning to type faster than you thought you would lol)

83. How fast can you run? Oof I’m not slow when I first start off but that only goes for like max 10 seconds

84. What colour is your hair? Dark brown

85. What colour are your eyes? Also dark brown

86. What are you allergic to? Bigots

87. Do you keep a journal? I have a diary I’ve had since I was like 10 but I don’t write in it very often. I also have a notebook where I write down fic ideas and outline plots

88. Are you depressed about anything? I actually think I might have seasonal depression or something but I’m not sure

89. Do you like your age? Yeah I guess being 18 is cool

90. What makes you angry? People who refuse to listen to reason

91. Do you like your own name? Yes it means princess!

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? No but I ate lead once

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? No preference as long as it is alive and healthy

94. What talents do you have? Uhh I can play two instruments and will be learning a third does that count? I just remembered I can also balance a spoon on my nose

95. Sun or moon? Moon

96. How did you get your name? My mom had a friend named Sara when she was a kid and she always liked the name so here I am having been named Sara

97. Are you religious? Kind of? I don’t go to church very often but I think I believe in God (I believe that there’s something, at least). I’ve also received all the Sacraments that I can (as of right now that’s baptism, first communion, and confirmation)

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? Nope

99. Colour of your bedspread? Right now it’s just plain white

100. Colour of your room? Bright green!

Yeet I’m finished! Took forever ‘cause I kept getting interrupted but oh well

tagging: @eljane-hoppers @hannahberrie @mikeywheelerr @queer-deckovskij