zo3mess · 7 months ago
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Bitter-sweet
Summary: Officers from other towns were reassigned to help the understaffed police force in Evergreen after the butterfly massacre. The good old game of cat and mouse begins with Vigilante continuing his shenanigans and one police officer determined to catch him. Except it is not entirely clear who is chasing whom.
Warnings: 18+, smut, fingering, p in v, unprotected sex (don’t be stupid and use protection guys), blood play, gun play (but not really) enemies to enemies with benefits type of relationship, violence, dead bodies, alcohol consumption, foul language. Female reader and no use of Y/N.
Word count: 5.4k (my hand slipped, I’m sorry) 
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
Extra songs for this fic
Masterlist of my works
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Note: I realized I missed writing so much since I don’t write essays in school anymore and I got quite a positive reaction on my last work Laundry girl (I love you guys fr). This time I tried something different? I feel like this is messier than the last one, lousy idea, but you know how it is. Also I have never written smut before, so get ready for some weird shit. English is not my first language, I apologize for mistakes, especially with tenses. Criticism is very much welcomed! Thank you for every like, reblog and comment, it makes me all giddy whenever I get a notification <3
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The Project Butterfly was a case that shocked everyone. Aliens invading Earth? Shady business with convicts led by Waller? Something that shocked you personally was the sudden disappearance of whole police precinct in Evergreen. Whole town ended up with no cops and needed help. Which was a great opportunity for you to start up.
Your dream? Gotham. City swarmed with villains. You needed to prove you’re tough enough for catching real supervillains. Where better to start than Evergreen? You agreed to relocate there to help, however your real target was Vigilante.
Some people said that what he was doing was good, catching criminals and ending their lives before they could do it again. But no one deserves to be above law and deciding fate of souls that can still reach redemption. Even if he helped saved the world from alien invasion.
So many times you saw him creeping through the streets late at night, but never managing to get close enough. After a few encounters, he realized you were specifically after him. A fan who kept a close eye on his work.
One night when you were stumbling home back from a bar, you heard weird sounds coming from an alleyway next to an abandoned store. Nothing out of the ordinary you would think, but it sounded like someone was in pain. You would be a bad cop to not help someone in need, no matter if it was past your working hours.
And since then, he started taunting you. Leaving a big V with the blood of his victims for you, quite few times even turning the signature letter into a heart.
And they say romance is dead.
With caution you walked over there, lamp lights did a shitty job illuminating the streets, but you were able to recognize a body laying on the ground. Blood was seeping from under the man who was killed by a clear headshot, judging by the injuries you were able to see.
Quiet shuffling and groaning was audible from a distance. The realization that something is very wrong came far too late. Before you could even recognize what was happening a stranger pulled you around the corner and your yelp was muffled by a gloved hand.
“Shhhh shhh. It’s just me.” Vigilante. As if that made it any better. “If I remove my hand, will you scream?”
Decisions, decisions. You were more likely to punch him in the face rather than scream, but if he just killed the guy, it wasn’t smart to start a fight with someone riding on adrenaline and someone who is far more ready to fight. You would not cause much damage in high heels, short dress and still tipsy from the bar.
Eventually you shook your head, and he removed his hand from your face. Uncomfortable silence filled the air. Should you even ask what happened?
You searched for his eyes behind the red visor, until you noticed he was staring down. Was he…
“Are you staring at my tits?’’
A gloved hand made its way to your cleavage, pressing his hand against your skin to feel it rise and fall with every shallow breath you took. Your wide eyes followed his bold move, you felt the warmth of his body and it was making you feel insane.
“Your heart is beating really fast.” A simple observation that mesmerized him. He also wasn’t completely calm, quite the opposite. Since you disrupted his hunt so abruptly.
Before you came he had been planning on drawing a nice big V on the floor for you, a greeting he sent you every time he left a corpse behind him.
All this time in Evergreen you focused on getting near to Vigilante, to catch him and serve some justice for reckless behavior, for playing God. And now he was closer than ever, even daring to touch you without a doubt in his head, it made your brain circuit.
“Not so fast on your feet now, huh?”  You had to mock him for it of course. All this time he was counting on his swiftness, it finally caught up to him.
You noticed he started to breathe faster too, his chest piece was rising with every deep inhale, and even in the low light of the street lamp you saw a dark stain on his mask. It did not take long before he rolled up the bottom half of his mask in exhaustion.
No wonder he had trouble breathing when blood was flowing from his nose onto his lips that did not look exactly intact too.  Must have been a heavy fight.
“Shut up.” Vigilante tried to wipe the blood off his face with his wrist, groaning as he did so. Simultaneously you were taking a mental note that he was in fact comfortable with showing you the bottom half of his face. What was in your head an investigation of a target, he saw as blunt staring.
For a moment you two kept ogling each other. You took interest in the little human part he showed you, bloody puffy lips, clean-shaven jaw and few moles on his cheeks all felt surreal after all this time you saw him as a simple masked head with a red visor.
Vigilante on the other had studied your eyes, how bright they suddenly looked, how they gazed at him with curiosity and most importantly how they kept flicking to his lips. He was no genius but a voice inside his head told him there was a tad more to this.
Something about stopping the alien invasion made him bolder, more confident, most of the time he felt like king of the world. Of course, people that knew him as Adrian Chase, a dorky weirdo, had no idea he basically saved the world.
But you knew and he loved it.
He suddenly pressed his lips against yours, releasing a low painful groan when your noses got smushed. Hands dropped to your waist to pull you closer and yours found their way to his chest. Finally there was an opportunity to touch the expensive suit.
You saw him as a villain, or at least desperately wanted him to be, and Adrian saw himself as hero of Evergreen.
Heroes always get the girl, right? That’s how it should go.
Vigilante pulled away before you could kiss him back. Maybe the alcohol made you much more reckless than you thought.
“You taste bitter.” He commented and licked his lips. Was it that surprising? Considering you rocked a perfect sour face every time anyone even mentioned his name.
His tongue pried its way into your mouth and brought the savory taste of blood with it. Who would have thought this psycho would be a good kisser. Conscience started flipping with guilt when you realized you enjoyed this more than running after him.
“I’ve been drinking gin and tonic at the bar.” Immediately as you explained your bitter lips and his bloody ones got connected once again in a far hungrier kiss.
Regrets of tomorrow will be ringing in your ears for days. Will you be able to work with peace of mind when you’re making out in a dark alleyway with your nemesis?
Your inner voice urged you to bite his lip, to worsen his wound, make it bleed again. You wanted to get back at him for pulling you into this situation and maybe, just maybe, you enjoyed the taste of iron in your mouth.
The corners of his mouth twitched upwards before he quickly latched his mouth just under your jaw. You felt the sticky remains of blood he left with every kiss on your throat. It felt good, too good, but he you couldn’t grant him the satisfaction of you bearing throat to him. He did not deserve to feel like a predator, like he could simply latch his teeth into your weak spot.
Your tongue swiped over his lower lip, searching and then probing into his split lip. The action made him tighten the grip he had on your waist, bunching up your dress. And when you bit harshly on his lip, tugging away and releasing it with a snap, he whimpered out the most sinful noise you have heard. It got stuck in your head, what would you give to hear it one more time.
He pulled away in surprise and you got a chance to see your work, lip swelling and beautiful red appeared once again and his tongue licked the new blood that trickled down.
“You realize that I have to do something about the dead guy, no matter how much you kiss me.” You manage to find the strength to keep your voice steady in between heavy breaths.
“Or you can just leave him here, he got what he deserved,” You immediately missed his warm lips on your neck. “You could get what you deserve too, if only you weren’t so stubborn. I could take good care of you” Vigilante murmured and left his position on your neck. With a little concentration, you were able to recognize two wide eyes staring at you through a red visor, twitching between your lips to your neck, clearly admiring the claim he landed on you. Blood and spit glistening all over your throat, oh could you get any sexier in his eyes?
“I should be putting handcuffs on you and taking you out of here.” You spat back and straightened your back with hopes of appearing taller, confident.
“How do you know about those?” Blood in your veins grew colder in an instant. Then it hit you, this freak does more than laugh in your face every time you arrive at the crime scene too late, taunting you for every criminal he managed to catch before you.
“Only if they are the pink fluffy ones you keep in your top drawer.” Smug smile played on his face as he presented his wrists up to you with a dramatic sigh. Your pink handcuffs? Wouldn't it be too on the nose for a police officer to have kinky handcuffs?
He got it wrong anyway, you do not keep them in your top drawer, they’re in the third one. A stupid birthday gift can always turn out to be useful in the right situation.
“Are you stalking me?” Your voice cracked a little, it had been a long night and this just gave it a crown. Eyes glinting with surprise? Anger? Excitement? This is wrong, right? So why did your heart skip a beat at the thought of Vigilante watching you through your window?
“No?” More of a question rather than an answer. Fucking liar. “I happened to be walking around your house when you had your curtains open.” The way he said it was so slurred, he realized his mistake. Gloved hands were twitching along his sides, biting his lip in frustration of fucking up, wincing once the pain of split lip reminded him of his condition.
“Fucking unbelievable!” You pushed him away and with wobbly legs, you slithered past him. “I’m reporting this dead body to the precinct. Pack your shit and go.” You absentmindedly pointed to the dead guy bleeding on the pavement.
Meanwhile Vigilante was still standing there with eyes following your every movement as you walked over to his victim, listening to clacks of high heels. Part of him could not believe you would let him go just like that, especially after you learned of his occasional late-night visits, the other part wanted to run and save his ass, just to play this game a little bit longer.
Before he decided to listen to your order and leave, he took a last quick look at you as you tried to scrub off the dried blood he left on you while searching for your superior’s number on your phone.
 Oh, the fire you two just started will keep him awake the rest of the night, he was sure of it. Whether it was cursing the world for throwing obstacles in his life with a bottle of whiskey or succumbing to his perverse mind in the shower.
After your strange run-up with Vigilante in the alleyway everything started to tangle up more than it used to. Starting with a patchy explanation of why you suddenly found a dead guy in valley without blowing out the truth that you made out with the killer a few minutes after he shot the poor guy.
Sharp mind turned into a dull organ sitting in your head, thinking about Vigilante in the opposite way you should. If you were still in middle school, you would be probably drawing stick figures of him and you with hearts all around while simultaneously stabbing a pencil through his head. Were you truly so weak to his charm? All you needed was to clear your head, right?
Same thoughts over and over again swarmed your head, even after a long day in work. You barely dragged your feet to your small house in exhaustion. You kicked off your shoes in hallway with a sigh and went straight to the living room. All you wanted was to lay on the couch, watch some stupid chick flick and let sleep take you.
The last thing you expected though, was a large figure lounging on the couch in complete darkness. Once you switched on lights you quickly recognized the one and only Vigilante.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” You yelped sternly and swiftly pulled out your gun from a holster, wasting no time to point it at him. You were used to having everything under control, nothing could surprise you, so how did this guy manage to catch you off guard all the time, how did he manage to make your life so messy and most importantly how did he manage to break into your home?
“You’ve been slacking, I wanted to know what’s up.” Vigilante cocked his head up with absolutely no other reaction to being pointed at with a gun. You wanted to shoot him in the face just for this nonchalant gesture.
“You don’t chase after me anymore,” Another bored shrug, this time he sat up on your couch and leaned his head to the side like a confused puppy. “I missed your sour face.” The way his tone changed, from accusing to clear and soft, made you loosen the grip on your gun.
The first time Vigilante got almost caught by you got him addicted even more to the adrenaline. All this time he was getting kick from killing criminals, beating up scums that don’t respect rules. Getting drunk on the feeling of power. But the second he was cutting corners, sprinting through streets with you on his tail, unlocked a whole new world for him.
The intensity of danger, one wrong step and you would catch him, put handcuffs on him and throw him in jail. This little addiction he had was as dangerous as being addicted to any other drug. Doing anything to get another dose, this time it meant sneaking into your house and confronting you from eye to eye.
“How did you get in here?” Overreaction was audible in your question and there was no wonder. Usually secure house was suddenly intruded by the masked menace of Evergreen that basked in running away from you while laughing like a maniac. Now? He came up right to you, giving you opportunity to catch him right in act of breaking and entering.
You just kept standing there watching him walk over to you without fear, without a doubt.
“You forgot to close your bathroom window,” The tip of your gun met his chest piece when he finally stopped right in front of you. Even without the benefit of seeing his face, you knew in your bones he was smirking “It was hard to squeeze through, I’m expecting applause or something.”
A frown was all he got in retaliation, nothing more and nothing else was in place for his stunt. A sensible reaction from someone whose house just got broken into, he knew it damn well, yet it did not please him.
Vigilante freed his hands from gloves and threw them hastily on the floor beside your feet, all while staring down at you. Curiosity got the better of your conscience, finger slowly moving away from the trigger, but the gun kept being pressed against his body.
Big hands cupped your cheeks, thumbs pulling at the corners of your mouth and forcing them into a lousy smile as his reward. If you refuse to give him acknowledgment it will be taken by force. His laugh was being muffled by the fabric of the dark mask, the one that had blood all over a few weeks back.
That time you were the one under the influence of alcohol that bent your consciousness, this time you felt a whiff of alcohol in Vigilante’s breath. The thought of him having to take a shot or two to give him enough courage to actually step into your territory made you all giddy inside. Maybe the all-mighty Vigilante, the menace of Evergreen, is not as indestructible as he claimed to be.
“Just between you and me, I know you don’t want to lock me up for real-“
“But I do.” You quickly interrupted him. Don’t give in.
“No, you don’t. I can see it on your face. You’re enjoying it far too much just like I do.” Debatable. But he had a point. “I mean yeah, you are pointing a gun at me and shit, but you kissed me back that night. That means something!”
He threw his hands in the air and a cheery voice just completed his dramatic bravado. However, as much as you would like to deny it, you did in fact make out with him back in that alleyway instead of doing your job.
“Do you usually make out with police officers to shake them off your track?”
“Just with you.” His hands found their place on your waist and started to play with the belt loops. And you let him continue… What is wrong with you?
“Oh I’m flattered, how is it working out for you?” With a fake smile, you pressed the gun more into his chest.
“You tell me.” Vigilante strikes again with painful truth. Yes, you were pointing your gun at him, but he had you cornered in your living room, hands seductively rubbing your hips and you let him get away with yet another murder. Well done.
His mask got rolled up and you got a chance to admire his lips. Before you could say another snarky remark, Vigilante silenced you with an urgent kiss. It was his time to shine, to bite your lip, to shove his tongue in your mouth and tangle with yours. He gave you no time to think about anything else except him.
“You know how the saying goes: Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.” He hastily unbuttoned your work slacks, pulling the zipper down far too hard you were afraid for a moment he got it stuck. Even though you should have been more worried about the fact you just got your pants shown down your thighs.
“You consider me an enemy?” You sighed out and focused on his warm fingertips playing with the elastic of your underwear. Touches light, like his fingers were asking for permission. The lack of protests signalized a green light he was waiting for.
“Only if you shoot me.” A toothy grin plastered his face when you pressed the barrel of your gun sternly to his chin and tilted his head up. How could you pass on that opportunity to rile him up like this.
“If it means you’ll stay close to me I just might.”  With those words his hand slipped past the hem of your panties, going straight for the kill and giving all the attention to your throbbing clit. He chuckled at your reaction, how you acted all tough and yet your body begged for his touch.
Your eyelids fluttered at the sudden contact, the precision he held in killing criminals clearly dominated other areas as well. Small and stern circles changed to slow and light flicks and back and all of it was accompanied by an intense gaze that searched for any kind of reaction.
You wonder what color his eyes are, that red visor was not flattering them in any way. Would he stare at you so shamelessly even without his mask or did it bring him a fake feeling of anonymity that pushed the boundaries of this escapade.
Vigilante bent down his head to the gun that lingered near his face. You could not believe your eyes for a second when he pressed a kiss to the tip of it before smirking. He’s practically begging for a bullet in his head with bullshit like this. He did not care he was basically being held at gunpoint.  A decision was made to hide your gun back in the holster harness, for the safety of both parties involved.
Your hands sneaked up to his neck that was bared to you, nails lightly scraping along his prominent Adam’s apple. You soon found out it made him wild, because the second you touched his neck, two fingers were recklessly shoved inside you, forcing out a loud moan out of you.
Shameful whimpers started pouring out from your lips, wetness seeping into your completely ruined underwear. You had to ground yourself against the wall since your legs started buckling under you. The feeling of submission poured over weak body, something you weren’t used to. With an abrupt yank you pulled Vigilante’s lips onto yours to give yourself just a second of control. You will allow him to take you apart with his fingers, but you will control when a how much he will kiss you.
Twisted part of your mind craved the taste of his bloody lips on your tongue again. There was no doubt he wouldn’t tolerate you biting his lip again to make him bleed like the last time. Or would he? You did not dare.
A better option was to sneak your hands to the back of his neck. A bit of hair poking out from his bunched-up mask caught your attention. Now you knew he had brown hair. Add it to his dimples, surprisingly sweet laugh, bold demeanor and an idea of a person is born, suddenly so real. Especially when he was jackhammering his thick fingers right to your G spot.
You wanted more. You needed more. Fingers tried to slip under his mask with hopes he would not notice it when you were distracting him with your tongue in his mouth. This wasn’t fair towards him at all, he was making you feel so good and you were trying to pull his mask off.
If you knew how he looked like it would not be any trouble to find him and arrest him. That’s why you came to Evergreen voluntarily after all. If all of this was just a means to an end…
But Vigilante quickly realized what were you trying to do and caught your wrist before you could continue. “Seriously?” Annoyance seeped from his voice, grip on your wrist so tight to the point it almost hurt. But your wide eyes that stared at him like deer caught in headlights made him soften his hold.
“At least buy me a dinner before you try to pull my mask off.” He laughed it off, but pulled his fingers from your pussy and you whined at the loss.
He let go off your hand and let it drop to your body. Instead he pulled his fingers from your panties and inspected the arousal coating them before bringing them to his lips. The sight alone made you sigh.
“You taste so sweet. If only you treated me so sweetly too.” Fingers popped from his mouth, covered in spit instead of your wetness. Oh, you’re fucked.
“Lose these.” You playfully tugged on his tactical belt.
“So demanding. Very sexy of you.”
The suit had quite a complicated mechanism and rather than losing his pants he just popped the button open to free his cock, hard and leaking precum. Hot and ready to go.
His gaze lingered on you as you pulled your pants and underwear down your legs. Breath got caught in his throat at the sight of your skin. A blank canvas for him to paint.
In an instant he lunged back at you, hooking hands under your knees to raise you up and making you hook your legs around his waist. Heat radiating from his body to your core was such a lovely contrast to the cold pieces of his suit that pressed against you throughout the evening.
“Are we really about to do this?” You were breathless, sandwiched between a wall and Vigilante leaning over you.
“Only if you want to.” So genuine. A man with no boundaries asking for consent, it surprised you more than it should have. “I do.”
“Baller”
Head of his cock swiped over your clit roughly. That bastard was teasing you more and more and enjoyed every second of it. His lips parted in awe, eyes were glued down to watch the pretty sight. You became something more than a police officer going after him or prey for him to take, but God forbid if he ever admitted that to you or even himself.
“I hate you.” Voice was shaking with anticipation and so was your body. A quick chaste kiss washed away the hate you felt even if it was just for a second, then he slid into you in one clean glide until your pelvises were flush against each other.
You both moaned out into each other’s open mouths. Someone would say it was just a noise of shameful lust. For you? A nasty symphony that set off something inside, the same type of addiction that controlled the man in front of you.
“If you sound so heavenly when you hate someone I’m really curious how you sound when you love someone.” He licked his lips and bucked his hips up to force another sweet mewl out.
“Go to hell” You knew it did not sound convincing and that fucker saw right through you. Because if you truly hated Vigilante so badly he wouldn’t be balls deep inside you, stretching you out with burning pleasure. With another vain chuckle, he started snapping his hips into you with urgency.
Vigilante filled you in the best and the worst way possible. Relieving the thirst your body was screaming with as well as putting a patch over the deep hole of anger and frustration he had been digging in your heart since you met him for the first time.
There was nothing gentle or graceful about what happened. Messy, desperate, vicious, and addictive is what it was.
You tightly hold onto him with arms around his neck, clinging like a koala.
If only your squad saw you like this. You have been boasting and promising how you’re gonna be the one to catch Vigilante. And here you were, it seemed he caught you more likely. Driving his cock into you in the dimness of your living room like it was his usual nightly activity.
Truth be told, he kept fucking with you all this time to make you mad, but never in a million years you would have guessed he will be fucking with you for real.
The strong grip he had on your thighs loosened with every hard thrust. Legs were slowly but surely slipping from his waist to the floor. All his power was concentrated on snapping hips and harsh kisses until nothing was left for his arms to hold you up, yet he refused to let go of you. Gnarly bruises were forming where his fingertips dug into the soft skin of your thighs, making this meeting even more bitter-sweet.
“You can be so good when you want to be,” You barely whispered it against his lips between your combined moans “You’re so good for me. Such a good boy-“
“Fuck I’m gonna cum! Fuuck!” His whine was long and high-pitched, you wanted to hear more of it, but he muffled his cries with a bite on your neck. Normally you would not allow him to bite you, there could always be an exception, and this was one of them.
Especially when he got into a sprint to the finish line, he found hidden strength to bounce you on his cock as much as this lousy position allowed him.
His pelvis was hitting your pulsating clit so gloriously, wet slaps filling your ears, moans and whimpers digging deep into your memory, there was no way you could hold on.
And you did not. Fireworks exploded behind closed eyelids, tingly heat spread from your core to the very tips of your toes, ecstasy consumed every fiber of your being.
Too busy floating on cloud nine to notice Vigilante clenching his teeth around the skin of your neck, creating another vulgar bruise. Too busy to register a loud groan he let out with one last thrust. Too busy to notice ropes of cum coating your spasming walls, filling you to the brim.
His hold no longer supported you when he leaned all his weight on you, chest rising and falling against yours with every deep breath. Being too sensitive to pull out he nestled inside you, basking in the warmth of your cunt.
“You know… You almost got me that one time. After that burglary in the liquor shop,” He murmured against your neck, pressing apologetic kisses to the spot he had bitten. “And I’ve been thinking about it tonight-”
“Where are you going with this?”
“I’m trying to tell you! Don’t interrupt me, dude.” Did he just call you ‘dude’?
“I wanted to say that I realized if I’ll keep fucking you until you can’t walk, you have no chance of catching me.” He pulled away from the crook of your neck and genuinely smiled at your dazzled face.
“Bold of you to assume I’m letting you inside my house ever again. I will remember to close that window next time.” At this point, you started to struggle to keep your head calm.
“Bold of you to assume I don’t know about the spare key in the flowerpot in front of your house.” That motherfucker. Now you have to relocate the key somewhere else.
“Sounds like a threat.”
“More like a promise.”
He pulled out and tucked himself back into his pants without a second thought. You watched with open mouth as he gathered ruined panties and pants while you leaned against the wall with weak legs. He acted so nicely, it made your heart melt. Just a little.
All of this almost made you feel bad for your intentions. You were there to throw him in front of a court and move on to the big league, but Vigilante just enjoyed your presence, your interest, albeit the wrong kind.
“Don’t pretend you hate me,” He handed you clothes and booped your nose with the tip of his pointer. With one last pretty smile, he pulled the mask over his face and made his way to your front door. “See ya later, loser!”
He just left you standing there with his cum running down your legs like it was nothing. Like he didn't just give you the best orgasm you had in a while. Oh God, What have you gotten yourself into…
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rubra-wav · 8 months ago
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[ Entry #9 ] Various Vox headcanons
A/N I've got a post coming up about what I think it'd be like to actually date him coming up, (alongside Snap part 2 ofc, I'm just taking my time w it to try keep things accurate) so here's some points which will lead into that next post + other misc stuff I've been thinking abt.
Cw: SFW above cut, NSFW below cut - 18+ MDNI, reference to manipulative behaviours
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SFW
- While drunk, he's both very affectionate and cute but also gets really sad and clingy. If you stop paying attention to him for even a second while he's gonna start bawling like a giant baby. It's also the only time he's truly 100% honest with how he feels about you.
Basically; the mask falls right off, so he doesn't like to get drunk around people. He will deny all that's been said or done during this.
- He doesn't need to sleep but likes to - when he sleeps tho he doesn't really sleep in the traditional sense but instead goes into a preset 'sleep mode' for a specific set of time. He can also be rebooted remotely if you need him up before he's programmed to wake up again. (I discuss more abt this type stuff in entry #4)
- Follow up point: when he dreams while in sleep mode, his dreams play on his screen. He often dreams about becoming essentially king of hell and having people worship him like a god.
If you bring this up, he will be embarrassed as all fucking hell and will also deny it vehemently.
- He ends up getting water damage fairly often because he really loves swimming and aquatic environments ironically.
He's of course got ways of waterproofing himself properly, but usually he will do it badly or just not give a fuck about it and go swimming impulsively.
Will complain like a bitch after getting water damaged as well, holy shit. Blames everything but himself about it.
- Follow up: if you ever take this man to an aquarium on a date, he's going to be so fucking excited about everything he's seeing.
He will be trying to contain himself, but he may end up letting the mask of calmness slip at points and just start randomly talking a million miles an hour about whatever shark, fish, sea creature, etc. He's seeing. He loves sharks so much.
- Somewhat follow-up point: If you 1. don't tell him to shut up about shit when he starts getting excited and talking really fast and loudly AND 2. Actually listen?
He's gonna be so goddamn happy. Holy shit.
He's used to being told to shut up when he starts talking about ideas he has for a new VoxTek project, so if you give him feedback and your thoughts on it once he's done info dumping? He's gonna start internally screaming because he's so happy about it.
- Follow up follow-up: He doesn't take criticism well though. In fact, he's a baby. If you're in a relationship and you've gotten him out of his bs a bit with his ego being fragile as shit about everything, it'll be better but still pretty bad.
He needs reassurance that just because you disagree or think (y) would be a better alternative than what's his (x), that you still think it's a good idea, lmao.
- If you wear blue light glasses he can't hypnotise you, and he absolutely fucking hates it. In an argument or confronting him, you just put on bluelight glasses and cross your arms, and he's so annoyed about it.
You'd need to start wearing blue light glasses, because this asshole will be trying to hypnotise you into forgetting things if you see something of him that he deems 'undesirable' about himself for you to see.
- He's such a colossal attention whore that the second you are doing something thats not to do with him or talking to someone who isn't him, he's gonna be pissy asf about it.
Think glaring at you while pouting and loudly tapping his foot. He's such a little shit 💀
- He's so intensely touch starved it's not even funny. If you're doing anything his hands are gonna be on your hip, your back or your shoulders.
He desperately wants to be physically close to you but he also will never normally instigate cuddle sessions because he thinks it's embarrassing that he wants them so badly. If you instigate them, he will absolutely love it.
Just not in public, though. If you try to be super affectionate or maybe even affectionate with him at all publicly, he'll be pushing you away telling you to wait until later.
And will get mad if you try get a bit defensive about it with him.
NSFW
- He has barely any self-control and ends up getting unintentionally excited really easily - even in situations where he really shouldn't be. If you as his partner are cuddling him, sitting in his lap, touching his neck, or god forbid the ports, he's gonna get hard so quickly it's not even funny.
Him being touch starved is really a double-edged sword because he wants to be near you, but also he gets unintentionally way too physically excited about it and ends up embarrassed asf most of the time.
- Kinda follow up point: I feel as if he's extremely repressed sexually in general. He works extremely long hours to maintain his control over everything single day, and considering his tendency to start zapping things when he gets closer to finishing / overwhelmed, he'd likely not be taking any chances at all with that.
So when he gets physically near his partner alone (and also not even alone), his body just kinda goes 'time to make up for lost time'. 💀
- Most sensitive erogenous zones on him (outside of his dick obviously) are his neck and ports. I'm not sure if him having ports for nipples is canon or not, but if it still is, those are the more sensitive ones. The ones on the back of his head are still an absolute killer, though.
If you kiss his neck even softly, he'll be tensing up, and if you're kissing him or cuddling him and gently brush up against the ports on the back of his head, or your chest brushes against his and brings him nipple stimulation - he's gonna be getting a boner as quick as it gets.
- He doesn't really care too much about his partner's height, but I get the vibe that he'd have a size difference thing and would love a partner who's smaller than him (but not tiny still)
It would trip his ego so much to be able to physically look down on people in general, but with a partner? He'd be going mildly insane about it but in a different way.
Wear his clothes, and they're massive on you? He's gonna be turned on as absolute hell by that. Especially if it's one of his button ups and its neckline is plunging and giving him an eyeful of your chest.
He can easily pick you up and pull you against him in whatever way? Goes absolutely nuts about it.
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I love it when I try to go,'this will only be short', then my brainrot takes hold, and my ideas just keep flowing. 💀
Masterlist
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maidstew · 5 months ago
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Okay, re: Persephone's life post-Academy, as you know, I'm a hurt/no comfort, angst enjoyer, so I do speculate that at some point Coriolanus gets a little murder-y with his former classmates, especially the ones who decide to enter politics. At some point, I do think that even if this doesn't affect her directly, this will probably weigh on her. Actually, with the burden of hindsight, I do imagine that everyone of his former classmates have a moment of "could I have changed this outcome?" as Snow's political opponents start dropping like flies. It's doubly hard on Lysistrata and (probably) Clemensia and anyone else who starts having second thoughts about the brutality of the Games. (Oh, to know you played a part in what they became, and that the time to undo that damage has past, but also what could they have done at 18?)
I do think that while she might not be fully aware of it, she may subconsciously know that she isn't Snow's favorite person, so she might not really hang around with him as they head off to University/try to avoid him as he rises to power, but I'm actually not sure how possible that is in a world where she does end up with Festus! I mean Festus seems to be the closest male friend that Coriolanus has by the end of the book, and Snow has even gaslit himself into believing their best friends! (I can imagine Festus believing they are but Snow has to be playing himself, because his best friend is obviously Clemensia. People can have more than one best friend, but I just don't buy it. Okay, tangent over.)
Anyway, I just think that with Persephone and Festus as a couple, I don't see her being able to keep off of Coriolanus' radar which could mean trouble for her. But dare I say it for Persephone... "it's the things we love most that destroy us." Thematically resonate with loving Festus being the reason that she has to stay in Snow's circle...
Even if Coriolanus doesn't decide to kill her, Snow trying to get her and Festus to split or iceing them both out of social circles without any explanation would be a start down the no good terrible world-shattering bad luck.
This got long... Probably the longest i've gone without mentioning— Ahem, anyway, I suppose I like crafting tragedies for every character! Haha, okay, if you read this all, thanks for letting me ramble in your asks!
—@felixravinstills (and the inability to send asks from sideblogs)
friend you cannot possibly imagine my sheer excited when i woke up to this ask!! i’ve been waiting all morning for a chance to sit down and respond.
this is probably going to be long so i’ll put my response under the cut:
i also think coriolanus starts picking off his former classmates and i can absolutely see persephone being a victim to that somehow. maybe not even her directly, but festus when he has outlived his use for coriolanus? (actually, i have a hc that festus and coriolanus’s relationship crumbles after felix passes of ~mysterious circumstances~ but that’s a whole other thing).
you bring up a really interesting point that i haven’t given much thought to- do any of snow’s former friends feel any type of guilt for not seeing the red flags or intervening sooner? i agree that lysistrata definitely is the most likely candidate. put i could also see some of the others having that same moment, in my own capitol world here would be what i imagine for some of them:
- festus definitely has a moment of questioning everything with felix dies
- persephone has a moment as the games continue to grow and more children die. i always imagine that she was pretty affected by mizzen and his death (it’s wishful thinking i know. i’m the one that was affected my mizzen and his death. but a little projection never hurt anyone, right?)
- i’ve been following this fanfiction about livia cardew and her life through and following the games. it covers her marriage to coriolanus throughout his presidency and how it affects livia and the guilt she carries for the things coriolanus does. so maybe this is unpopular, but i can also see livia as his wife feeling that guilt and wondering if/when she could have stopped things.
i also think she doesn’t outright know that coriolanus is repulsed by her- i don’t think coriolanus would ever say something and risk his own image. but i definitely think she has been able to pick up on it and feels uncomfortable around him at times.
which would make the dynamic with her marrying festus and festus and coriolanus being best friends more interesting. i said it in another ask, but i wonder if coriolanus ever did try to tell festus about the cannibalism thing?
anyway, i mentioned yesterday that i had been thinking about persephone being pushed out of elite capitol circles. it sort of started because of a quote from a poetry book i was reading:
“I wasn’t allowed
to live on the Mountain.
I wasn’t even allowed
to call myself an Olympian.”
the poem was inspired by Persephone from greek mythology but (and maybe just because it’s her namesake) i started thinking about Persephone Price. i had this idea of a moment where persephone is much older and has been iced out of her former social circles and finally feels the bitterness and anger from all the bad things that have happened over the years.
anyway, yeah sorry i’m just rambling and info-dumping my thoughts now so i will stop!! hopefully at least some of it makes sense.
i cannot thank you enough for dropping the ask!!
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steakout-05 · 1 month ago
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fanon craig headcanons because i'm making another one of these despite the fact that i already made 2 (i have chimp brain and i forgot i made 2 already just ssshhhhh)
ok absurdly long title aside. new thoughts about my little scientist man have spawned into my head i need to write them down,,, most of this is projection and very self-indulgent (and very gay) but that's what we do here on this blog babeeyy B) (also i was kind of sleepy while writing this so please excuse any sloppy writing
general headcanons
Craig is on the aroace spectrum, specifically demisexual and demiromantic. throughout his life, he's never really felt the "need" to be interested in other people in any way. he'd never felt attraction to anyone, he'd never really thought about pursuing a relationship with anyone, and the idea of him dating anyone felt foreign and strange to him because he just couldn't see himself doing that, especially not with a random stranger he barely knew. stuff like blind dating confused him. "why would you want to spend your life with someone you barely even knew yet?" was a thought that crossed his mind a lot whenever the topic would come up. for a while, he even considered himself completely aroace because of never feeling attraction to anyone before... that was, until he became close friends with Barry. the build up was gradual, but because of Craig never having been interested in anyone before, he initially didn't really recognise it as attraction until the realisation that he like-liked Barry suddenly hit him like a bag of bricks one day. it was like an instant "ohhh so THAT'S what i'm feeling" moment, followed immediately by panic. he could never let Barry know how he really felt, until it of course accidentally slipped out one day and he was super embarrassed about it until Barry admitted he kinda felt the same way about him, much to his shock (and relief). since then, the two have been dating for a little over a couple of years and have gone through a LOT of adventures with each other, growing closer and closer with every outing.
he's also not really sure what type of person he's attracted to yet. he's guessing he's probably either gay or pan for the time being.
Craig, as i've described before in earlier posts, is on the autism spectrum and was diagnosed fairly young. he ended up being diagnosed with the outdated term 'Aspergers Syndrome', as he was diagnosed well before the removal of Aspergers from the DSM in 2013.
Craig is very introverted. he's not shy per se, but he easily gets overwhelmed and overstimulated when around a lot of people and needs more than a few business days to himself to recharge. Barry, on the other hand, is an extrovert, and so him and Craig's needs often conflict with one another, leading to the occasional boyfriend argument.
Craig has chronic back pain and Vitamin-D deficiency, like most scientists at Legitimate Research. he gets exhausted quite easily and sometimes experiences painful headaches, which makes quite a few of his adventures with Barry a lot more difficult for him.
Craig is partially blind in his right eye due to the explosion that happened in 'Level 2', which ended up with a scar forming down his cornea. Craig never really had the best eyesight to begin with, but due to this incident, he now needs to wear prescription glasses underneath his visor. Barry feels kinda guilty about partially causing this to happen, but Craig has assured him that he doesn't blame him for the explosion damaging his eye and that he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Craig is slightly taller than Barry, being 5''7. for reference, Barry is 5''5.
Craig is quite an ambitious and creative person, especially when he's highly emotional or focused, such as when he's doing anything related to his special interests. this made him a good friend and partner to Toni, who was also an ambitious and creative type, although Toni was quite impulsive and didn't exactly think through a lot of ideas until he was already finished developing and prototyping them. Craig was the anchor to his ship of creative endeavors, as he incorporated a lot more logic and practicality into his ideas.
backstory related stuff
Craig was a high-ranking scientist who worked at Legitimate Research around the same time as Toni and Peter Simpkins. he'd always had an affinity for science and mechanical engineering since he was young, as it was a pretty significant special interest for him. he would enter robotics and engineering classes and clubs during high school, and he eventually achieved so much academically that he ended up getting an invitation to fly overseas to study at a university in Australia, which was supposedly one of the most prestigious universities that offered many science and engineering-related courses (although oddly enough, it seemed to be funded by a "Legitimate Funding Co"). Craig had met Toni at university, the two studying in the same field together. they bonded over their common interests and creative ideas for machines and robots, and they often would spend hours throwing ideas around and developing what would later become some of Legitimate Research's weirder and wackier gadgets. Peter Simpkins was someone Craig met a lot later after getting his rank at LR, and while Craig wasn't as close with him as he was with Toni, he found his more upbeat, laidback and jovial personality to be quite endearing. oddly though, despite how upbeat Simpkins was, he was quite secretive about himself. Craig never really knew Simpkins that well before his untimely passing, which would happen only a few years later Craig and Toni became employees at LR.
when the news of Simpkins' death hit the high ranking scientists of Legitimate Research, it hit them hard. Toni was the most heartbroken and was utterly crushed with the guilt that something he had worked on directly resulted in the careless demise of his friend. not only that, but Toni had just been let go by the company within the same week following the failures of his experiments, which absolutely broke him. Craig, who was also grieving the loss of a fellow coworker, had attempted to provide some sort of comfort to Toni, trying to convince him that it wasn't completely his fault and that he'd never meant for it to happen, but it backfired incredibly badly, resulting in the grief-stricken scientist lashing out and breaking apart their friendship. Craig never saw or heard from Toni ever again since that day.
also: it's not exactly clear when and where Simpkins died canonically in Jetpack Joyride's story. it's said on the Legitimate Scientists' bio image that he died during the development of Mr. Cuddles, so it can be assumed he probably died when the 'Robot Bird' rock opera took place. Craig and Toni became scientists at Legitimate Research a few years before Barry discovered the laboratory, and everything went down a few weeks after Barry's first break-in.
i haven't fully crafted this part yet, but because of Simpkin's death and the incident pretty much breaking apart Craig's entire social circle, he decided to take leave and even considered resigning indefinitely. he felt as though the joy he'd once had for developing machinery had been fizzled out, and he was still just beginning to process everything that had happened. he'd planned to send out goodbye letters to his fellow coworkers, pack up everything he had brought over from university and stay back with his family throughout the grieving process.
this would never end up happening.
Professor Brains was overtaken by rage following the death of his closest friend, his decisions becoming much more rash, destructive and uncaring than before. much like Craig was an anchor to Toni, Simpkins was an anchor to Brains' more evil tendencies, and without him, he began to spiral into villainy. he developed a strict and harsh system of employment, having it be absolutely mandatory for every single non-clone employee to have their memories and names wiped, effectively brainwashing them and forcing them to be his slaves. Craig, unfortunately, happened to be one of the unlucky few to become a test subject to this system. almost every piece of identifying information about him was erased, including the memory of Toni, Simpkins' death and the aftermath (it was to prevent any free will from Craig), and he was booted down to being a regular blue-glove scientist (i like to think the gloves have meaning like the stripes) (they're like uniform colours and badges having separate meanings in star trek).
Craig's initial memory erasure lead to him developing an unhealthy habit of erasing any and all bad memories going forward as a sort of trauma response to something that was no longer accessible to his brain. the trauma imprinted on him before he could even process that he'd went through trauma at all, so now he just has this bad habit he can't remember the origin of.
potential story beats and headcanons related to that
i want Craig to have a character arc where he finally becomes more brave and action-oriented, standing up for himself more against the villains and even kicking ass in a few fights.
i also think a story where Craig becomes absolutely enraged at the sheer extent of Legitimate Research's unethical memory-wiping practises and how his life had practically been taken away from him with the promise of a good career doing something he'd love, by taking advantage of his gullible nature and eagerness to please authority. he and Barry hatch a plan to take over the entire establishment, free all the scientists and turn it into a sort of scientific haven for developing technology that would enhance the world, rather than technology made for evil.
with this revelation, Craig would go by two names, being his original one and the one Barry gave him, as he views the name Barry gave him as a symbol of rebellion. (i haven't decided on what his OG name would be yet,,, i'm bad with names lmao)
Craig kinda gets carried away with this idea though, and it doesn't get idealised until much later in the story where he takes a step back and reflects on his actions, admitting to Barry that maybe he was swinging too much in the direction of impulsivity from the inner need to be a more brave and active person.
also. i want a really super exquisitely gay scene where, probably around the middle of Craig's becoming more confident arc, he finally reveals his face to Barry. it's a slow scene. the two are resting somewhere outside, watching the stars together. they've been silent for a while, just admiring the twinkling sky in peace, before Barry looks over at Craig and notices he's looking a little pre-occupied with something to the point of nervousness. he's fidgeting with his hands and seems pretty uneasy. Barry asks him what's bothering him, and Craig's a little hesitant to answer. "Barry, I... I need to show you something". they get up and move to a nearby hill (i always picture this taking place on a hill), before Barry once again asks him what's going on. Craig explains that the two have been dating for such a long time by now, and their three year anniversary is coming up soon. he mentions that something really big and important has been bothering him for such a long time, only becoming more and more bothersome with each month that passes in their relationship. it's gotten to the point where he feels guilty that, despite how close they've become, he's essentially kept himself locked away behind a hazmat suit visor for so long out of his own selfish insecurities. if he doesn't do this now, he'll never be able to do it ever. taking a deep breath, he slowly pulls off his helmet, Barry staring with intense anticipation.
and there he was, fully unmasked, fully revealed to what felt like the whole world. and it was incredible. messy blond hair that was modest and reserved, yet ever so slightly daring in its flow. jade coloured eyes that caught the twinkling light of the stars perfectly. his scar, his nerdy little glasses that were taped together, everything about him, all of it took Barry's breath away. "I'm, uh... Sorry if it's not what you expected, Barry." Craig bashfully apologised, making to turn his head away, but the gentle touch of Barry's hands stopped him before he could. "Craig", he began, a big, gleeful grin forming on his face. the scientist could've sworn Barry's eyes were starting to become wet with tears as he continued to speak. "You're just as beautiful as I imagined."
they get married on the spot after that /j
also i got a little bonus headcanon/story thing that i was writing in the tags but couldn't fit in!!! it's related to the apple experiment he was doing during the Halfbrick Multiverse Madness events.
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it's not really explained in the JJ2 canon as to why Craig is experimenting with this apple and why it works the way it does, so i'm putting my own explanation to it in this fanon. now i believe the Halfbrick Multiverse Madness came out before Nixie's boss was added??? i think??? i don't exactly remember when everything came out, but even if it was added after her appearance, i'm still going to have this experiment take place before Barry defeats all the main bosses and then have it come up again after he defeats them.
i just thought of a way i could implement this story beat happening in the background of the main story before it starts to become more of a central point again. like, maybe Barry, Betty and Robo Barry were all having a celebration for defeating all the bosses and the sectors, but Craig seems to be quite preoccupied and dissociated from everything going on around him because now he has more time to think about and develop the apple, and he just can't shake the thought that he's missing something very integral to his memory. Barry notices this odd behaviour, but he reckons he should wait until after the party's finished to ask Craig what's up. it starts to get very late into the night, and the party begins to quiet down. Barry figures that this is the perfect time to check up on Craig, but when he goes to look for him, the scientist has already disappeared. Barry becomes increasingly more concerned and decides to leave to go look for him at the lab. "Maybe he's just tired tonight," he thinks, but there's a pit in his stomach telling him that something's wrong, he just knows it. without turning back to tell his friends where he's going, he rushes outside and straps on his jetpack, flying over to the lab as quick as he can.
Barry dashes to Craig's laboratory room and pushes the door open, being met with a startled Craig who was hunched over his desk and seemed to be working on a blueprint of some sort. one of the papers he was working on flies off the desk with his startled movements, and Barry goes to pick it up. he asks Craig if he's okay and that he was acting a little strange earlier, and Craig quickly stands up from his desk and awkwardly brushes his odd behaviour off as having important scientific research to do that just couldn't wait, taking the blurprints back from Barry. the jetpacker in question suspiciously raises an eyebrow. he isn't convinced. "You don't sound too sure about that, mate." he says. "Why'd you wait until so late into the night to work on this thing? Are you hiding something?". Craig gets more frustrated with Barry's questioning, his tone quickly becoming more snappy and irritated. "Barry, this is very important work. I'm fine." He turns back to his desk, reaching for a white pencil so he can get back to working on his blueprints, but he's stopped when Barry pushes him once again. "Listen, Craig, I just think you're acting a bit--" "I'M COMPLETELY FINE, OKAY!? Quit prodding at me so much and let me get back to my work!"
Barry's expression falters, looking even more worried than he was before. Craig is immediately hit with a twinge of guilt, and he apologises. "Look, I-I'm sorry Barry, I'm just... I really need to get this done. This is really important to me and... Brains needs these blueprints in by tomorrow." he felt absolutely horrible lying to Barry like that, but he just couldn't bring himself to tell him what was really going on. Barry nods, before apologising himself.
"... Yeah, I get it. Sorry about that, I'll stop pushin' you about it. It's just that... I'm worried about you Craig, that's all." Barry's voice became more gentle and convicted as he spoke. Craig didn't respond. Barry smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle pat, shaking the scientist a little. "You take care and get some sleep, okay? G'night, Craig."
"... 'Night, Barry." Craig mustered as Barry walked out the door, closing it behind him. the scientist sighed, slumping back down at his desk, quietly fidgeting with his pencil. A wave of exhausted determination washed over Craig as his eyes scanned over the incomplete blueprints. he just needed to get this done, and then he could finally rest.
ignore the fact that this became a complete fanfic at the end lmao. these are my ideas and headcanons for what i want to do with my fanon Craig and i think they're intriguing enough to possibly develop into a full-fledged story :D there are so many possibilities to explore with him and i just find him to be an interesting little specimen to think about and rotate in my head like a 3d object looll
#jetpack joyride#jetpack joyride 2#craig the scientist#fanon!craig the scientist#so sorry there are so many craig headcanon posts lmaooo#there's like two of them...#also i gave craig a slight redesign too#it's not much i just changed his hair a bit cause i didn't like how it looked before#made him a bit taller looking too#also slightly unrelated but toni is toni's original name#as he never went through the memory erasing process to forget it and get a nickname instead#toni will be important to craig at some point in my wacky little story my brain is making#i like the idea of him helping craig overthrow legit research but he ends up manipulating his emotions to do it#and he tries to make craig turn on barry because he has a grudge against him for partially causing his downfall#i like the idea of toni creating secret technology to use to control craig or something when the plan goes awry#because craig won't betray barry so he has to make him do it through force#and that's a part of why he had disappeared for so long. he was making stuff and planning revenge#so many ideas are just spawning out of nowhere right now......#i think one of my favourite headcanons from here is craig's backstory with toni and his memory erasing being a bad habit induced by trauma#they're the most interesting out of the bunch to me and they'd be cool to expand on#and the apple experiment one of course#also like the idea of craig turning LR into a sort of medical science development centre. i like the idea of him becoming a doctor#my headcanons#fanon
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archaickobold · 5 months ago
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First worldbuilding post! It's a long one, so I put it under a read more:
Basic worldbuilding:
The setting of all of this is a place just called The City, which is a massive, continent sized city consisting of interlocking skyscrapers, that has been standing for the past 5,000 years. There are some sci-fi, futuristic, cyberpunk elements, along with some dystopian elements, too. 
Notably, there is also a very firm class system, literally built upon the structure of the City itself. Most people in the City will never set foot on the ground in their lifetime, instead living in the upper floors of the skyscrapers. The people living at the very top, or the Upper, are called Uppers, the ones in the Middle are called Middleites, and the ones at the bottom, or the Lower, are called Lowers. Their wealth corresponds with their location– the wealthier a person is, generally, the higher up they live, even within the sections.
Along with the class system is a large amount of classism, as well. Uppers generally regard Lowers as being filthy and violent, and Lowers tend to regard Uppers as pretentious jackasses. The Middle tends to be less polarizing, but Uppers still look down on them for not being as rich as they are, and the Lowers see them as thinking that they’re better than them, or as Upper wannabes. Sometimes this is true, sometimes it isn’t.
The City is also split horizontally, not just vertically, into 21 different sectors and districts. Some of these are more worldbuilt than others, with some having fully fledged politics, while others are still essentially just names. It’s a work in progress! 
Additionally, another very important element of this is that everyone in the City also has some superpower, of some type. It first activates around 10-12, depending on how powerful the power is. The stronger, the younger it kicks in. For my existing main characters, this power can range from telepathy, to astral projection, to sound deadening, to aerokinesis, to teleportation, and many, many more. I could make an entire post just about how powers work, and I might just do that, later. 
Map:
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Small, additional worldbuilding notes: 
Sol is the god of this world, though generally isn’t very relevant. Mostly used as an exclamation to replace “oh god” with “oh sol,” because I felt like it damaged the immersion.
The Head of the State is the person in charge of a sector or district, and their Keys are their advisors.
Dating between an Upper and Lower is seen as taboo and could get both the Upper and Lower socially ostracized if their relationship was found out. 
Lowers and sometimes Middleites will introduce themselves to strangers with a nickname, rather than their actual name, because unless you are willing to pay to have your private information kept private, it is very easy for someone to find it with just a name and appearance. Uppers can afford this privacy, Lowers and Middleites, not so much. 
Transphobia, homophobia, etc, are very, very much less of a problem in the City than irl. I don’t want to have it in my story too much, and so I don’t. 
Very basic description of some characters (Honestly, will probably be elaborated on more in a later post/through the writings):
Lucas: he/him, cis guy. Currently a Middleite, but was raised in the Upper. Dating Miro and Slate. Power is lesser astral projection, so while he can astral project, he can’t move anything around. Has made bad relationship decisions in the past, but is generally optimistic and upbeat. Lives with his dad, and has slowly started to adapt to the Middle. He tends to end up as more of a mediator, but he’s trying to stand up for himself more.
Miro: he/him, trans guy. Lower. Dating Lucas and Slate. Power is greater astral projection, so he can astral project and move things around some, like a poltergeist. Tends to be more mischievous and generally a little shit, but also fiercely protective of the people he cares about. Takes great pride in being a Lower, and while he isn’t the happiest about having to hide his class while in the Upper in order to date Slate, he’s willing to do it for him.
Slate: he/him, cis guy. Upper. Dating Lucas and Miro. Power is sound deadening, so when he focuses, he is able to make himself and anything he focuses on perfectly silent. He is the heir to Key, or an advisor for the Head of State. He’s apparently a little oblivious, but he’s smarter than he lets on, especially when it comes to politics. When it comes to street smarts, he is less knowledgeable, but he’s learning more from just being around Miro. He also has to hide his class when he’s in the Lower with Miro, but he doesn’t mind quite as much. It’s refreshing to him, really, to not be seen as anyone special. 
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mwebber · 1 year ago
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👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!
🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them. (sebi please?)
🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?
ty for sending this, anon!
👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!
ahhh the only actual wip i have is girl!seb because the others are incoherent scribbles that i've marked down as In Progress... F. so far i think i've finally completed the story from 2005-2010, but from there things kinda fall apart--i'm trying to build up enough of the damage from 2011/2012 so that 2013 will hit harder, but atm those years are kinda falling through, mostly bc i don't know how to write jenson. i might have to re-do 2011 depending on how the rest of writing 2012 goes.
i feel like i keep talking about this project but haven't got anything to show for it so 💀 here's a snippet!
Indianapolis, USA - June 17, 2007In her Grand Prix weekend debut, Seb goes fourth fastest in her first practice session, qualifies seventh, and nabs eighth place, even after a messy start. She rises out of the car as the second woman in history to score points in Formula One—and the first to score a full point.  BMW is ecstatic with the achievement, immediately attaching their brand to her moment. Red Bull is right on their heels. To that end, Lewis’ win might as well be overshadowed by the media attention that flocks her way, but he doesn’t seem the least bit bothered, pulling her into a friendly handshake and half-hug in congratulations before being swept elsewhere. It feels just as good as a win. Seb is practically soaring, with nothing to kill her mood from the end of the race to the end of the day, even when Scott Speed almost dislocates her shoulder as he struts by, even when the boys try to take her out bar hopping and don’t succeed.  “I’ll head back to the hotel, you stay and have fun,” she says, waving them off as she tucks her ID back into her wallet. An idea is forming in her head on how she can celebrate, anyway. “Are you okay to get back on your own?” Beat looks torn, like he knows the responsible thing to do is accompany her, especially when she’s dolled up in a thin white shirt and short little tennis skirt, her legs bared to keep cool from the mid-June humidity. But the party is in full swing at the Slippery Noodle. “I’m going to get a ride,” she assures him, and fishes out her phone.  . ⋅ ˚̣- :  Twenty minutes later, Mark shows up in a taxi.
(she gives him a lap dance. they fuck nasty.)
🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them. (sebi please?)
loathe as i am to call seb a character that i have headcanons for--i do very much find myself enjoying the idea that he can be more calculated (and cold?) than he lets on. similarly i don't know if i really like the whole, yknow, bratty-subby-tearful-cute thing that's popular in fanon? which, sure, it has its own basis, but i personally find it more interesting to see his more deliberate side and dissect him from that angle, kind of like an autopsy of Red Bull Seb, The Frat Bro Who Wasn't. i think charlie @sebrrari nails this in the whole "whether the medicine is enough" series! and though it was very much a reactionary fic, i think i get at the idea in and an and, and an and, and the end.
🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?
LOVE CONFESSIONS. i can't do them well but in my head they are sooo emotive. like in the nayq prequel when mark finally says it and the words absolutely destroy seb. or in wrestling in dirt pits when seb and mark admit they're still in love with each other in a moment of weakness. and i'll just spoil a bit of this girl!seb au, they say it after fuji 2007 and it's like the Crux of their entire relationship and not to toot my own horn but it works in the overarching story and i need to bash my head against a wall whenever i think about it. anyway
writer emoji ask game!
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polariskai · 2 years ago
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txt prompts/blurbs/writing ideas.
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⋆ hey hi hello !! so I have around 738272 txt au works in my drafts and I know that I will most probably never get to write any of these so I decided to just post some of them here as writing ideas.
⋆ I've discarded this works for mainly two reasons. for one, it was quite tedious for me to conceptualize or write. two, I just ost interest in writing them lol
⋆ I would also like to say that for these writing ideas, you can freely use them and no need for credit. These can also be used for other fandoms as well, I labeled them as txt writing ideas because originally these were really intended for them. If you do use them though, I would like to be tagged hehe
. . . . . . . .
[ LEGEND ] ☂︎ : angst , ♡ : fluff
CHOI YEONJUN °
— man of my dreams | ☂︎
yeonjun was everything you’ve ever wanted. You loved and adored him so much, or so you thought. You have created fantasies of him in your head and once they began to crumble down, soon you were hammered with the reality of how he truly was to you . After a bitter breakup, you wonder on who's end does the fault of the relationship lie on. Was it your fault for creating this unhealthy and unrealistic idea of him, being oh so in love with the idea of him than him, really? Or was it yeonjun’s fault for failing to meet your expectations and be a good partner to you that it drove you to create another ideal version of him?
› ideal as a oneshot
› has a complete outline already ! just dm me if you want it
— the villain's savior | ☂︎♡
you are devastated when you find out your favorite character in the Isekai romance fantasy manhwa you were reading, the second lead turned villain, choi yeonjun is on the brink of death on the last chapter update. the next day, you wake up shocked and confused to see a boy who looks extremely identical to yeonjun laying on your couch, in the same exact bloody and injured state in the last chapter you saw yeonjun in.
CHOI SOOBIN °
— summer flame | ♡
choi soobin. the one boy that somehow always gets on your nerves for the most ridiculous reasons. from leaving his pencil shavings on your desk to wearing a teenage mutant ninja turtles shirt to your acting project, you just couldn't stand being around him even if he was the last person on earth. But what happens when you're forced you to spend almost two weeks of your summer with the one person you despise the most?
› has a complete outline already ! just dm me if you want it
CHOI BEOMGYU °
— love is sour grapes | ☂︎
a hanahaki au wherein you only get the disease if you assume the one you love doesn't love you back. the only way you can reverse the damage is by removing every single memory you have of that person through a surgical procedure. not even reciprocated love can save you.
you and beomgyu are childhood friends. your relationship over the years became pretty complicated. there was something blooming between the two of you but you were too scared to put the label and commit to it. beomgyu on the other hand has confessed and has been patiently waiting for more than a year for an answer. at some point, what ends up blooming instead are the petals threatening beomgyu's lungs.
KANG TAEHYUN °
— game on! | ☂︎♡
you and kang taehyun go head to head on a battle to becoming the student council president on your senior year. the conflict really arises when the results come and it's revealed you guys got a tie in the score tally. the school schedules a re-election on the next month. and neither of you plan on accepting defeat, you both constantly bicker and pull pranks on each other. In a party set on the day before your re-election debate, you and taehyun find yourselves stuck in a different type of tension.
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casperisdead · 1 year ago
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Last Night
Every night, I contemplate my two options: smoking and getting too high that I pass out watching the yellow men dance across my computer screen, eventually giving me eye strain and brain damage, or staying up endlessly scrolling on TikTok until my eyes eventually drift away to a different world with some new popular song playing within the background of the castle in the sky. But, this past night was the night I used to experience every night growing up, but rarely experience now. A night of excitement, of peace knowing that time doesn't matter, a night where I stay up and write or decide on a new project, or completely redecorate my room into a new aesthetic that matches the new personality I will have until the next time I have this type of night. Anxiety boils through my blood as my brain is taken in this euphoric feeling and my body is so stiff yet flowing and following its own beat that nobody quite understands but they do their best. They call me bipolar, knowing that this could be a manic episode. They tell me I'm getting better as these nights slowly disappear, but they do not know the true pain and peace I feel on these nights or how these nights cause a true change within my DNA and it is not just a personality disorder. 
This past night I tried letting the smoke take my lungs away, but they persisted. I tried allowing my eyes to drift off to TikTok, but they would not take me to that beautiful world beneath the layers of brain matter. Instead, I lay awake, contemplating my past relationships.
I know that I was a bully, I just assumed that part of me disappeared. Yet, considering the past few weeks, it seems to be something I am innately born with. I ponder with the feelings of grief- for I am grieving in so many ways. Grieving people who are still alive yet could never look my way, grieving people who are knocking on death's door, grieving people who have been sat at death's table, grieving people who would do anything to sit at that damn table that I have tried so hard to avoid, yet, I can't help but accept that nobody will grieve me.
Sure, I would grieve myself, for I know everything about me. I see the passion in my eyes when I perform, tell stories, or share parts of the world to new eyes. I see the compassion when I hand a child a new sticker for helping their friend when I play with my dog with such unconditional love that I know nobody could ever have for me when I befriend a new person and allow them to rant and hold space for them when I know they would never do the same for me. But, I know nobody else sees these things.
No, I am seen as someone who is accomplished. Someone who is too good for connection. Someone who is so cool they must have so many friends. Someone who would give their last dime as it would create a smile. So, I allow myself to be used and abused because if that is how someone else shows their love, I will accept it because I know no other type of love.
I hated being the victim, so I became the bully. Now, I hate being the bully, so I became the victim again. When your brain is in black and white, how do you find the grey area? When you don't know who you are, how do you better yourself? When you are grieving so much, how do you ever heal?
This is not the end of my story, but I have no clue what the ending will look like. I imagine a home with kids running around, tea brewing in the kitchen, the smell of lavender filling the room as I pull the fresh bread from the oven, and I look outside and I still feel like there is more, for no matter how much I try to do, no matter how much I long for connection, I know I will never feel fulfilled or satisfied so I simply breathe and for some reason, part of me knows that's enough.
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times-eclipse · 2 years ago
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Damage Calculation Is Hard
The thing about damage calculation is you kinda have to feel it out by vibes. You want increasing stats by certain amounts to feel like a noticeable difference in your damage output, whether that's +1 or +10, or anything else. But to achieve this, it feels like you need to write damage formula and then shape everything else around it and hope for the best.
And when you look back at what you've made sometimes it's just like... maybe it could still be better...
I'm presently struggling with looking at Witness To Unity's damage formula and thinking... this thing seems a mess. Too much extra influence on values than there probably needs to be. I'm not sure how to explain this, so I think I kinda need to explain how the stats and all currently works.
Equipment
Attack: Comes from weapons. Affects Attack command damage.
Hit Rate: Comes from weapons. Affects Attack command accuracy*.
Defence: Comes from armour. Affects overall damage resistance.
Evasion: Comes from armour. Usually affects overall evasion, except for certain skills.
Innate Stats
Strength: Affects physical damage of unarmed, most weapons, and physical skills. Does not factor into guns**.
Intelligence: Affects damage of "magic" skills.
Endurance: Affects overall damage resistance. Does not factor into healing. (Obviously.)
Agility: Affects turn-order, rate, and native hit-rate/evasion.
*The Attack command is technically a skill too, that factors hit-rate as well as agility into hit chance. **We'll get to that.
Additional notes: the equipment stats will probably range from about 10 to 320. The innate stats will range from 10 to 128-ish from level 1 to 99. The goal is for damage in early game to be around 10-30 points a hit, and end-game the average attack shouldn't be consistently like, 9999.
...
With all that out of the way, let's get into the damage formula as it currently exists. For my own convenience I'll be using the variable names in the damage formula as follows, with some edits, so I hope that it remains understandable with the above as reference.
First, we work out what kinda skill we're dealing with, and calculate the "base power" before other stats get involved. This might be a little confusing, as skills also have a "base power", so I'll call the following calculated power. Skill types include: Physical, Magical, Unarmed, Weapon, Gun, Healing, and Infinity.
... alright, the last one just returns Float::INFINITY. We can ignore that.
Calculated Power
Physical/Unarmed: @a.str * 8
Magic/Healing: @a.int * 8
Weapon: (Physical) + @a.atk
Gun: @a.atk * 2
Calculated Defence
Defence: (@b.res * 4) + @b.def
The damage formula varies a little between types, but the following basically occurs:
Square root (calculated-power - calculated-defence), multiplied by 4.5 for physical skills, or 5 for everything else.
Multiply this by the skill base power. This is a stat unique to each skill. "Weapon skills" have a base power of 1 so as to only use the stats of the weapons/characters themselves.
Divide by 30 for physical skills, 35 for magic, 15 for unarmed, ignore for weapons and guns.
Healing follows things a little differently: square root (calculated-power * skill base power / 3.)
So let's see how say, a physical skill's damage formula ends up looking.
sqrt(((@a.str * 8) - ((@b.res * 4) + @b.def)) * 4.5) * power / 30
Jesus christ.
So I started writing this for one main reason: what am I doing here. The fact I'm multiplying and dividing a lot of damage formulas feels like I'm doing things totally wrong.
I've referenced Persona and Shin Megami Tensei a lot in my development of this project. A lot of stats and structure to things are shared with those games. But they most certainly aren't doing things like this.
What I'd like to do, is to be multiplying/dividing the statistics as little as possible, avoiding damage numbers shooting into the thousands, and keep the relationship of equipment stats and native stats.
Let's take a look at how P5 does this sort of thing. Note I am using terminology from my own project for consistency's sake
Weapons: sqrt(@a.atk / 2) * sqrt(@a.str)
Physical Skills: sqrt(skill base power) * sqrt(@a.str)
Magical Skills: sqrt(skill base power) * sqrt(@a.int)
Defence: calculated power / sqrt(@b.res * 8 + @b.def)
I'm not too sure why the calculated power does square-roots separately like this, as near as I can tell combining them wouldn't make a difference. I'm simply following what the wiki is using here.*
*BreezeWiki breaks formula display by putting it black on a dark background, but if you're deathly allergic to using Fandom, you can view it here.
So let's try an experiment. Arin has a native Strength of 15. An enemy has 10 Defence and 13 Endurance. (I know enemies don't have equipment, but I needed to add it to them so they didn't shatter like glass, which might be a factor in problems with my formula.) Arin uses Dragonian Slash, a Physical skill with a base power of 70.
@a.str * 8 = 15 * 8 = 120
@b.res * 4 + @b.def = 13 * 4 + 10 = 62
sqrt((120 * 4.5) * 62) * 70 / 30 = 37
Let's see what happens if we use P5's formula.
sqrt(70 * @a.str) = sqrt(70 * 15) = 32
32 / sqrt(@b.res * 8 + @b.def) = 32 / 10 = 3
Okay I'm truncating things a lot here, but decimal values aren't going to factor into the final damage.
... alright, so we don't really want the final damage to be that small, even for a beginning skill. Heck even P5 isn't that way, so I'm not sure what's going on. If I make this theoretical enemy have basically no defence this skill will do about 11 damage, but I don't really want that either. In a theoretical scenario of characters with about equal stats, it makes more sense to me to be doing a bit more damage.
The more I think about it the more I must be missing something. In the example testing this user did, they are getting a damage range of 22-24 from a 2 Magic/Int Arsene using Psiodyne. Psiodyne according to the wiki has a base power of 160. Near as I can work out, sqrt(160) * sqrt(2) is 17, not... say, 23. If the Full Moon challenge's Level is below 99 enough to take +30% damage from the player, it results in 23 damage. But that's before dividing by defence gets involved!
You can see now why this stuff is kinda hard. It's all theoretical, based on vibes, and there's sooo many factors to consider that shifting one or another thing throws everything else off. I'm also relying on 50-80 being a good value for the internal "base power" of an early-game skill.
I know what I want the numbers to be at the start (the numbers you see, the base power), what numbers I want to end up with as damage, and what kinda scaling I want over the course of the game, but the route there currently just feels dirty.
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uncanny-tranny · 2 years ago
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If I ever become a parent, I think I'd probably hold off on those gender reveal parties until the kid tells me what they are, and like... nothing would change afterwards obviously, but it's an excuse to eat a cake and give them gifts, plus it's a nice memory that I wouldn't have had if the reveal was held before they even had a chance to speak for themself.
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whoree321 · 3 years ago
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the bad batch + what romance/rom com movies they watch with you
each of the bad batch x gn!reader
ok first and foremost i really truly believe to the pits of my soul that every single one of these fuckos loves romances and you cannot under any circumstances change my mind
ALSO it’s a gender neutral reader except kinda in echo’s theres like a very brief quote regarding breasts but like i still think even that is pretty gender neutral tbh
so anyway
Hunter: Pretty Woman
this is not the first time that i have publicly declared that i think hunter has a deep rooted connection to the movie pretty woman and it will not be the last
first of all this movie is incredibly soothing to hunters overwhelming savior complex
second of all hunter is literally richard gere (debonaire but emotionally distant gentleman that learns to love) and julia roberts (hooker with a heart of gold) at the same time
he was a little skeptical the first time you put it on but he instantly fell in love with it
the humor, the sensuality, the class divide, the glamour, the unconventional cinderella story of it all. it just really butters his bread
after the first time, when you suggest watching a movie and you pick this one he’ll act very aloof about it (“whatever you want cyar’ika, it doesn’t matter to me”) but secretly he’s really really happy bc it’s one of his favorites (you def know this and def pick it more often)
he absolutely hates the scene when stucky the lawyer hits vivian. like it doesn’t matter how many times he watches it he will fully turn his head away from the screen and say “I don’t like this part” and when it’s over he nuzzles a little closer into you and very tenderly kisses your forehead
he loves the soundtrack too. like he fully exposes how much he likes the movie when you catch him singing or humming “pretty woman” or “it must have been love” absently to himself (you kept it to yourself for a while but eventually you just had to tease him about it. he just smiled a little sheepishly and admitted he liked the songs before promptly changing the subject)
hunter also lowkey definitely wants to recreate the ending where richard gere shows up to her apartment in the white limo with you bc he thinks it’s such a sweet gesture and he wants to treat you like royalty
Crosshair: 10 Things I Hate About You
if there’s one thing about crosshair it’s that he’s a sucker for the enemies to lovers genre
maybe its just him projecting (spoiler alert it most certainly is) but he really enjoys watching the drama conflama of a miserable bastard be tricked into love
and really that’s the true essence of 10 Things I Hate About You
he will grumble and bitch and moan about not wanting to watch a ‘chick flick’ when you put it on, but 15 minutes in and he’s hooked
he has strong negative opinions on literally every single character except for kat and patrick
(crosshair really really wants to think he’s patrick but when it comes down to it he is katarina stratford in every single possible way)
he doesn’t say a word throughout the entire movie but you can tell when he’s annoyed at like bianca or cameron or joey bc he will openly scoff at them
will absolutely hum along in your ear during the “can’t take my eyes off you” scene and make out with you during the paintball scene
(seriously he wants to be patrick verona so bad)
when it’s over and you ask him what he thought he’ll roll his eyes and say “i guess it could have been worse” but his little smirk let’s you know he enjoyed it a lot more than he’s willing to admit
Tech: 50 Shades of Grey
ok hear me out on this one
tech is a huge movie talker. like subtitles are a non-negotiable if you wanna be able to take in any of the movies dialogue bc tech is most likely gonna make commentary over it the whole time
this makes him absolutely indescribably so much fun to watch bad/corny movies with
he will go off about EVERYTHING. the plot, the dialogue, the acting, the costuming, the music, the production quality. nothing and no one is safe. whether you just enjoy letting him talk at you or you join in on the roast, cheesy movies are a hoot between you two
and honey. 50 shades is one of THE cheesiest movies ever
you and tech will literally spend the entire duration of the movie tearing it to shreds
and the thing is tech is a very sarcastic, funny guy when he wants to be (and when it comes to you he definitely wants to be) so by the end of it he will have you in absolute stitches from laughing at the ridiculousness of both the movie and him
with any of the other batchers watching a movie like this either turns into a shy, slightly awkward experience (wrecker, echo) or an incorrigibly horny experience (crosshair, hunter)
but in this context tech literally has no shame or squeamishness about sexual things (why should he it’s a natural biological process?) so to yall the sex stuff is just another thing to roast
literally christian grey could be fully tying dakota johnson down and flogging her and tech will be like “in the last 3 minutes they have panned up to her nipples 4 times. this is criminally shoddy cinematography”
even tho he’s busy giving a detailed play by play critique, he never fails to keep some sort of physical contact with you (wrapping an arm around you and running his hand up and down your skin, playing with your fingers or your hair) so you know he’s enjoying spending this time with you despite his nasty words about the movie
also 1000% after you watch it tech will do extensive research on the ins and outs of bdsm and will have lots of hypotheses he wants to test out (as long as you’re willing and able ofc) ;)))
Wrecker: 13 Going On 30
of all the bad batch members, wrecker is the only one who unabashedly loves any movie that could be considered a chick flick
like he doesn’t even try to hide it or act like he’s too masculine for it. he loves romance and he’s proud of it
this man will have full marathons with you. rom coms, regular roms, tragic roms, hallmark roms, you name it and he’s game
his absolute favorite tho is 13 Going On 30
i feel like he has a huge soft spot for childhood best friends to lovers stories like he finds that type of lifelong partnership so endearing (and he loves to live vicariously through jenna since that type of romance was obviously never an option for him)
wrecker is also very childlike at heart and i think the idea of a 13 year old sweetheart trapped inside the body of a 30 year old cut throat magazine exec is so amusing to him (and maybe makes him feel just a little bit represented in the media)
he is definitely the type to completely engulf you in a cuddle for the entirety of the movie and he DEFINITELY cries into your shoulder at matty’s wedding when jenna is crying on the stoop with her dream house
he wants to try razzles so bad. like so bad. i think if he ever came across them somewhere he would barter at least one of his brothers for them
wrecker really just loves love and watching movies about it just reminds him of how lucky he is to have his own love story with you <3
Echo: The Princess Bride
i feel like it’s glaringly obvious why echo loves this movie
pirates. sword fighting. decades long revenge plots. the value of an honorable, loyal man. true love that never wavers even in the face of devastating tragedy and the darkest of hardships. clever but goofy humor.
echo considers this an action/adventure movie and NOT a romance movie (even tho it 100% totally is a romance movie) and requests to watch it very frequently
he can quote the whole thing. i’m seriously telling you echo loves the princess bride with his whole chest
even tho he refuses to admit it’s a love story above all else, he really does try to model himself in your relationship after wesley
like especially given what happened at the citadel and all the time you thought he was dead, the cinematic parellels are alive and present in y’alls relationship and he strives to be even half the man to you that wesley is to buttercup
literally in your day to day life he will sometimes respond to your requests with a smooth “as you wish ;)” (it doesn’t matter how many times he does it it still gives you butterflies)
when you watch the movie, he snuggles as close to you as possible and does his best to make youre comfy the whole time (he’s insecure about his prosthetics hurting you no matter how much you reassure him they don’t)
he just loves to be able to feel your heartbeat and your laugh when you giggle at the funny bits
every single time without fail at the part when buttercup is about to stab herself he leans down, ghosts his lips against the shell of your ear, and whispers the line in time with wesley: “there’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. it would be a pity to damage yours”
every single time without fail you wind up making out until he pulls away and tells you to watch the next part when wesley challenges humperdinck to a duel to the pain
echo just loves you to bits and wants you to know he’d endure a thousand fire swamps for you
Omega: Clueless
i have this really specific obsession with omega being a total girly girl and having very traditionally feminine interests as she keeps experiencing the universe and being exposed to a spectrum of gender expression beyond clone (masc and boring) and kaminoan (ugly)
so with that headcanon of her in mind, it’s vital to me that she sees clueless as soon as possible
clueless is an essential piece of media for a girl entering adolescence and i will die on this hill
it has literally everything you want and everything you need to develop into a well-rounded young woman
it’s so deliciously 90s and glamorama and valley girl humor and camp. its got meaningful female friendships and valuable life lessons and paul mf rudd
if there’s one thing you should encourage a burgeoning hetero teen girl to do, it’s to stick to dating guys like paul rudd in clueless. the earlier this message can be broadcast the better
the second you’re able to steal omega away from hunters watchful eyes (“hunter we’re just gonna watch finding nemo i swear!”) you show her this movie
at this point omega is not really a girly girl, but omega also has absolutely zero feminine influence in her life
the first time she sees clueless she is absolutely obsessed. like seriously she is so enamoured with the glitz and glam of cher horowitz
she asks you questions the entire time. she wants to know about EVERYTHING. the makeup, the clothes, the hair, the slang
(she definitely goes around saying stuff like “i’m totally bugging” for long enough afterwards that almost all of the boys have slipped up at least once with some ridiculous valley girl slang. you thought you were gonna die of laughter when you overheard tech say “as if!” to wrecker in the middle of an argument)
it just really introduces her to this whole world of femininity that she didn’t even know existed and she absolutely loves it
she makes you watch clueless with her seriously once a week at minimum. she begs you to style her hair like tai’s and you can’t help yourself when you happen to run across a little yellow plaid dress and buy it for her on sight
(hunter was gonna scold you for recklessly spending credits until he saw how omega almost cried from how happy she was for the gift)
honestly she enjoys the romance of it all and paul rudd is def her first celebrity crush but she enjoys more that you and her now have this special thing of hair and nails and pretty dresses
she loves how confident and beautiful and special you’re able to make her feel, and you love that you get to bring her that small sense of normalcy and happiness
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takamikeiigos · 3 years ago
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Okay I know made an ask already like 2 days ago🙄 but what if hawks s/o had to fake their death on a mission for like a month or 2😮‍💨 and when they come back the first thing they do is look for hawks even though they’re tired, beaten and look like complete shit😩😩 I’m just such a sucker for these kind of tropes !!!
Also how’s ur day been :))
ayo i got you fam!!!
this was legit all i could think of for like 3 days so i hope it's okay!!
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Title: "You Came Back to Me"
Rating: Teen and Up Audiences (for now)
Relationships: Hawks x Reader
Tags: temporary character death, violence, drinking as a coping mechanism (minor on hawk's part), emesis
Word Count: 2.8k
Chapters: 1 / 2 / 3
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You look up at the villain who currently has you pinned to the floor, your ragged breaths leaving your mouth with every rise and fall of your chest.
His vibrant green eyes are piercing as they stare down at you, his expression wicked and merciless as he presses his foot harder against your throat as a warning.
"Here are your options, darlin'," he pulls his foot away, instead opting to sit back on his haunches. He brushes your hair from your face and rests his hand on your cheek. It makes you flinch and your breath hitch.
"You either find a way to dissappear, or I'll track down that precious little birdy of yours and take his wings for myself."
○ ○ ○
- three weeks prior -
"Let me come with you. Please."
"Kei.." you say softly as you back the rest of your necessities in your bag, finally turning to look at him.
He's on edge, you can tell by his posture. His wings are drawn tight to his back, but his feathers are puffed out. It reminds you of how hair stands on end and goosebumps make them selves known under fear and stress.
"You know I can't.."
"This is too much for one person to handle." His arms are folded across his chest now as he leans against the doorframe of your shared bedroom.
"You don't think I can handle myself?" The words leave your mouth sounding offended, and he instantly deflates.
"That's not what I meant. If you didn't know what you were doing, you wouldn't be working for one of the top agencies in Japan." Keigo steps forward, now in your space, and you can see a faint trace of fear flicker across his face. "I just.. this man is very dangerous, y/n. And if anything happens.."
"Hey. It'll be okay. It'll only be a month and I'll be home before you know it. I won't let anything happen, I promise." Your hand falls against his cheek and he nuzzles into it, both of his hands coming to rest against your own.
"You promise?" he asks quietly, needing one more confirmation that you'll be home and safe in a couple weeks.
"I promise."
○ ○ ○
"Have you made your mind up, sweetheart?" Kimura, the man who has had the utmost pleasure in beating you within an inch of your life, asks. He slams you against the brick wall of the alleyway one more time for good measure, his hand wrapped firmly around your throat.
"Please.." you gasp out, your hands coming to wrap around his wrist, trying to relieve the pressure against your larynx. "P-please promise me you won't hurt him, that you w-wont lay a hand on him.."
He chuckles darkly, tossing you aside onto the cold, dirty floor of the alleyway.
Your vision is blurring, slowly darkening at the edges, but you manage to see him move a few feet away, bending down to pick something up off the ground. You blink sluggishly and suddenly he's in your space once more, holding the object, which you soon realize is your phone, in your face.
"Go ahead, songbird. Give him one last goodbye."
You cringe at the abuse of the nickname that you hold so dear, but weakly reach out and take your phone from his hand, Hawks' number already dialed.
All you had to do was hit send and that would be it.
You close your eyes and rest your head against the brick wall, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. You can feel tears burning as they make themselves known, clinging to your eyelashes and not yet falling to your cheeks. You blame it on the amount of pain you're in, but you know the true reason is because you're absolutely terrified.
You press send.
As it rings you notice Kimura bringing out his own phone, holding it up and aiming it in your direction.
What a sick bastard.
"Baby bird!" Keigo's voice comes cheerfully from the other line. Though it warms and calms your senses, it still makes you sad knowing that he's completely oblivious to what's about to come.
"H-Hey, Kei.." you try your best to keep your voice steady, but the damage from excessive force to your throat is unforgiving and the words leave your mouth sounding raspy and distant.
"Y/n, where are you?" Keigo's voice drops an octave and you can tell his worry has set in, which was exactly what you wanted to avoid.
"I'm okay, just uh," you pause mid-sentence, your throat tightening around the words as tears threaten to spill again, "just got knocked around a lil bit."
Your laugh comes out bitter. You hate the sound of it.
"Y/n. Tell. Me. Where. You. A-"
"Kei, listen. I need you to know how much I.." your voice betrays you and cracks, and you suddenly find that you can't fight the overwhelming fear and sadness coming over you. You weakly bring a hand up to wipe at your battered cheeks, tears continuing to fall and mix with the grime and blood that covers your skin.
You try again to steel yourself, another deep breath falling from your lips shakily, making your lungs rattle. It's becoming harder each second to keep your eyes open and your mind focused, but if you make it through this one phone call, you know you'll be able to rest easy.
"I need you t'know how much I love you. 'N that everything's g'nna be fine. That you'll be okay. And to not c-"
Suddenly a gunshot rings out and your whole world stands still for a split second, before turning completely sideways.
You register warmth blossoming over your abdomen, spreading and soaking your hero uniform. You can hear Keigo frantically yelling from where your phone slipped from your hand and landed on the concrete next to your head. And the last thing you see is Kimura holstering his gun with one hand, tapping away on his phone with the other.
"What a shitty ending for a hero, don't you think?" Kimura grins down at you.
Yeah. What a shitty ending for a hero.
○ ○ ○
The quiet trickle of water finds its way to your ears, and the feeling of something cold and damp against your forehead is a soothing contrast to how hot your body feels.
Opening your eyes feels as though it takes half of whatever strength you have left, and your vision swims. Suddenly hit with a wave a nausea, you lean over and vomit over the edge of the bed you're laying on. Luckily there's a bucket on the floor, and you assume it was placed there for a reason.
That someone placed it there.
In a panic you sit up, your wounds pulling tight and your body protesting. Your vision swims again and it takes you a few moments to ground yourself.
"Ma'am, please don't move too fast. You'll re-open your wounds and you're already in bad shape," a quiet voice projects throughout the room. You look up and notice an older man, probably in his sixties, sitting in a chair next to the bed you're currently occupying.
"Who are you? Where's Kimura?" You grit out, grabbing the edge of the blankets and tossing them off of you. The man in front of you is ready for your attempt at escape and he places steady hands on your shoulders, pushing you back onto the bed.
"Please! My name is Daichi Tanaka, I am a doctor! I found you in an alleyway near Higashiosaka. I would have taken you to a hospital but you begged me not to," the man pleads, his hands persistent on your shoulders.
You glare at him momentarily, before relaxing back onto the bed, still weary of his intentions.
"Kimura? Is that the name of the person who did this to you?" The man - Tanaka - asks hesitantly.
You ignore his question in favor for asking your own, "How long have I been out?"
Tanaka stares at at you, seeming to contemplate answering, but you figure he finally realizes you aren't taking any shit because his answer comes out with a sigh.
"A little over a week. You've been in and out, your fever finally broke this morning."
Over a week. You've been out for over a week and you don't know where you are, where Kimura went, and where Keigo-
Keigo.
It all comes crashing back to you and you lie back, your hands resting over your eyes.
Tanaka seems to have been reading your mind, because he pulls your phone from the nightstand next to you and passes it over.
"I wiped as much blood from it as I could. You have many new notifications and quite a few missed calls. I wasn't able to unlock it to call anyone, but it seems there are many people worried about you." Tanaka stands then, making his way toward the bedroom door.
"I will give you some privacy for now, but expect me to be back in twenty minutes to check up on you."
With that, Tanaka leaves, closing the door behind him with a soft click.
You stare down at your phone, the screen cracked and a few specs of blood and dirt tucked into its crevices. You type your pin in and pull your notifications up, Keigo's name amongst others filling the screen.
You don't realize you're crying until a small hiccup forces its way from your mouth, your cheeks wet with tears.
You notice a voice-mail from him, and though you know it's only going to make you more upset, you force yourself to open it to make sure he's okay.
His voice floods the room and it immediately breaks your heart at how wrecked he sounds. You can tell he's been crying by how gravelly his voice sounds as the message plays out.
"You know," Keigo laughs bitterly over the phone, "I punched Ryosetsu in the face for letting you go on this mission alone. Gave 'im a real nice shiner on your behalf."
The message goes quiet and you can hear what sounds like a glass bottle being opened in the background, Keigo's quiet sniffles also making themselves known.
"Fuck, y/n. They didnt even.. they didnt even find your body. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that, huh?
"They wouldn't even let me anywhere near the scene, I had to sit back at the office while they kept me informed. He said there was uh.." you assume Keigo pauses to take a swig of whatever he's drinking based off the tink of the glass bottle, "heh, he said there's a low chance you're even alive because there was so much blood. Fuck."
You grimace at how blunt he is with the statement and how distant his voice sounds. You can only hope that he hasn't been drinking as often as your thoughts are telling you.
"Please come back to me," he whimpers over the message, and a new wave of tears fall down your cheeks. "Please.. I can't do this without you."
○ ○ ○
A few days pass.
Tanaka refuses to take any of your shit.
He most definitely refuses to let you leave until you had one more solid meal in you, and one more day of rest.
You're still a little weak, bruises and abrasions littering your skin ( not to mention the nasty bullet wound Tanaka managed to sew up for you ) but you finally have enough strength to stand and walk on your own.
He pleads with you to stay one more day, just to ensure you're strong enough to be by yourself, but you shake your head and bow before him.
"Thank you, Mr. Tanaka, but I have to keep moving. It might be unsafe for you if I stay."
So instead he writes down his phone number on a crumpled piece of paper and hands it to you, patting your hand briefly.
"You're a strong one, just be sure to take care of yourself." He smiles kindly at you, and you nod before taking your leave.
○ ○ ○
Days go by as you hop around from town to town, only stopping for food and rest.
It's been a little over two weeks since you made the decision to distance yourself to ensure the safety of your friends and Keigo, and nearly two months since you were assigned the mission. While you knew faking your death was the only way to keep people from asking too many questions about why you suddenly disappeared, you weren't expecting to actually get shot and almost die.
You keep up with the recent events as best as you can, continuously watching news coverage and especially keeping tabs on Keigo's agency.
Your breath catches in your throat one day while you're moving through a rural seaside town, large red wings and a familiar hero uniform immediately catching your attention.
A flood of emotions run through you and it takes everything in you to not run up to him and hold him. But the fear of Kimura's prying eyes hold you back, and you steadily remind yourself that you're doing this to protect him.
You keep your distance and watch his every move. He's staring down at his phone for a while and after a few moments it rings. He brings it to his ear and though you can't hear what he's saying, it must be something important.
Because soon enough his wings are spread out and he's taking flight into the afternoon sky.
○ ○ ○
'Pro-Hero Hawks makes appearance in. Tanabe - finds lead on hero killer'
'Hanamatsu hero case still under investigation'
'Top Hero Agency in Japan pursuing hero killer - Kimura'
The news headlines on your phone cause your blood to run cold. How foolish of you to think Keigo would let this go so easily.
To think he wouldn't trace every piece of evidence and go to the ends of the earth to take down someone who hurt you.
○ ○ ○
You keep tabs on him as best you can. It begins to feel like you're stalking him, in a weird way, but you'll be damned if you did all of this just to put his safety on the line.
Keigo stays in Tanabe for the time being, the week passing by in a blur as you track his movements.
You figure Kimura went into hiding since his criminal activity fell flat after your encounter with him, but Keigo is as persistent as he's ever been, nitpicking every lead that comes his way.
A few days later word gets out that Kimura has been spotted in the village of Hidakagawa, just thirty minutes northwest of Tanabe.
You only hope you can get there before Keigo does.
○ ○ ○
Hidakagawa is exactly what you pictured, a perfect little town for a low-life criminal to live under the radar.
Its quiet and rural, its occupants living their lives happily tucked away from the bustling life of the city.
A few squad cars rush past you as you look at the map you have pulled up on your phone. It seems a little out of character for such a small town, so you push yourself forward and follow them.
○ ○ ○
When you finally catch up to the squad cars, the scene before you makes your hair stand on end.
Keigo has Kimura pinned to the ground, battered and bruised, his fist closed around a one of his feathers that he's currently wielding as a blade. A few dozen officers surround the scene, guns drawn and on edge.
Kimura smirks up at him and whatever he says is out of earshot, but its enough to piss Keigo off and send him into a frenzy.
"Kei, stop!" You find yourself yelling shakily. You finally manage to push through the barricade of officers and it's then that Keigo makes eye contact with you, his closed fist halted in the air.
Kimura takes the split second of distraction to knock the blade from Keigo's hand, flipping their position so the winged hero is pinned to the floor of the temple. He pulls out his gun and cocks it, pressing it to Keigo's forehead.
All the while Keigo keeps his eyes on you.
"I thought I told you to stay away, little one," Kimura grits out, wiping a trail of blood from his mouth, "Now it looks like your little hawk is about to lose his wings, all because someone can't listen."
You move on impulse when Kimura turns his attention back to Keigo, and you grab the handgun from the officer closest to you.
You waste no time in firing a bullet, hitting Kimura right in the temple. But as it strikes he squeezes the trigger of his own gun on impulse, which is still trained on Keigo, a second round going off.
- to be continued -
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tbh i was super nervous to post this bc im so new to the fandom but here we go!!
also i just made up random characters bc im not quite caught up with the manga, and also picked random spots in japan that i know absolutely nothing about
rip to my writing skills lmfao
♡ ky
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hoedorokishoto · 3 years ago
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Trust - Part 1
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Shoto Todoroki x Reader 
+ Minors DNI
| part | next
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“You know, if you just stopped getting kicked in the head, I wouldn’t need to fix your gear all the time.” I said, my hands running over the smooth metal of Hitoshi’s voice modulator. Different from the first one I had made him 2 years ago; small changes being made to help your best friend become the best hero he could be.
“Maybe I miss hanging out with you. You are worth a swift kick to the head.” He said from behind me, walking around the room as he spoke. Looking at the various machines, weapons, and other projects I was working on in the workshop. I laughed at his response, shaking my head as I screwed the missing panel back into place.
“You flatter me.”
Hitoshi Shinso had been your best friend since before both of you were even born. Your dad and his parents, living next to each other since their early 20’s, experiencing drunken nights, sad days and the trials of parent hood together. So in turn you and Toshi had done everything together. First steps, first words and first days of school.
“I saw you and Mr Aizawa on TV.” I said beaming, the thought of him realising his dreams and making them a reality enough to make my heart soar.
“Oh yeah, it was pretty weird. Don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. Neither will Mr Aizawa.”
“Lucky you guys are so chatty.”
It was him who laughed this time, coming up next to me and hugging me into his side. I did miss him, his hero work and my support work taking up much of whatever spare time we had. Especially being 3rd years, our futures looming over us even more, having to make final decisions about our future. Gone were the days of dressing up as our favourite heroes and running around our homes catching our parents who pretended to be villains. Now all I seemed to think about where internship offers and upcoming exams, mathematic equations often overtaking my thoughts even in my dreams.
The gear didn’t need much fixing just a loose panel and a few scratches, something easy that I could fix in a matter of minutes.
“Good as new!” I said, holding up the voice modulator and admiring my handy work, then passing it back to Hitoshi.
“You’re the best Y/N, ramen is on me next time.” Hitoshi said, winking and taking the equipment from me. Placing it over his face and making the necessary adjustments.
The workshop was surprisingly quiet, usually filled with the noise of machines and steel clanging together. The music usually turned up to max volume as the other support course students worked on support gear for other heroes. Hatsume clearly wasn’t here because it had been a whole 3 hours with no explosions nearby.
“So how is Kaibara?” Toshi asked, quirking his purple eyebrow at me. I rolled my eyes at his question, stepping around him and back over to my tool bench.
“I don’t know, why don’t you ask him?”
“Well I only ask because you seem to know him a lot better than I do. Intimately I would say.”
“Ew, don’t say intimately. Are you 95 years old?” I said, faking chills and a look of disgust on my face.
Sen and I weren’t dating, I didn’t want to date him but the time we did spend together proved effective in helping relieve the everyday stress of living at UA and being a Hero Support student. The sex was good, and he was handsome, always considerate of me and never did anything I was uncomfortable with. The more I thought about it, the more perfect he seemed. He very well might be, but just not for me. There was never any substance behind my feelings for him beyond the attraction to sleep with him. If we did interact outside of the bedroom it was purely platonic, just friends and nothing more. As bad as it sounded, I was using him for personal benefit and nothing more.
"He talks about you a lot.”
I looked into his eyes and flipped my hair, a cocky grin overtaking my features.
“Well… what can I say?”
“Not like that you weirdo, he asks a lot of questions. He wants to know more about you.” Hitoshi laughed, slapping my arm, scratching the back of his neck.
“Do you guys not talk?”
“Why would we need to?” I asked, not quite understanding the question. My back to Hitoshi now, tidying my workstation as I waited for his answer. We knew what we needed to know about one another, our names, birthdays, and a few general things but beyond that it seemed irrelevant.
“I think he likes you.”
“Well I hope he does he puts his penis inside me Hitoshi.”
“You know that isn’t what I meant. He like likes you.”
I stilled; my back still turned towards my friend. My view of relationships was always clouded by indifference. I could blame it on the fact that my parents didn’t work out or I could blame it on my preferences, hell I could even blame it on my star sign. Whichever excuse I chose I always knew that deep down I knew that relationships would never work, and people were better off alone, if I didn’t fully give someone my heart there is no way that they could rip it out of my chest and step on it. I would never put myself in that situation.  
“That sounds like his problem, not mine.” I said coldly, picking up my bag and heading to the door, hopefully hearing the end of this conversation.
“Ramen is on you remember. I’m hungry.”
Without another word I flicked off the light by the door and headed out of the workshop, Hitoshi picking up speed to walk beside me, not saying another word.
                                                                *
The walk back to UA was always killer, that dam hill being the bane of my existence for the last 3 years. The silence was almost deafening, I could feel Hitoshi holding something back. Wanting to say something, something about the conversation earlier no doubt.
“What is it?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I can feel you being gloomy, more so than usual. It’s irritating.”
Hitoshi sighed, rubbing his eyes with one of his hands. Shaking his head as he stopped.
“I want you to be happy! Is that so wrong? What’s wrong with Kaibara?”
“If you like him so much why don’t you date him.”
“I don’t want to make jokes!” He said, stepping past me, and continuing up the hill.
“Why is this so important to you? You’ve never really cared before.” I asked, jogging to catch up to him. He didn’t answer, he just linked our arms and continued up the hill. Pushing whatever he was feeling down and sealing it away.
“Denki is having a party in the 3A dorm this weekend. Wanna come?” Hitoshi asked changing the subject and tightening his arm around mine.
“Mr Aizawa is allowing that?”
“Yeah, apparently it will be good for us to blow off some steam before the school year really kicks off. His words not mine.”
He sensed my hesitation.
“Hatsume is going to be there, she even convinced IIda to go.” He said raising his eyebrows.
“Wow, that is impressive.” I said matter of factly, nodding my head. The class rep of the 3A was known for being a real stickler for the rules. Keeping everyone in order and always being the epitome of a model student. Bless his soul, but he wasn’t really the party type. The picture of him in that environment was enough to convince me to go.
“Please, who is going to help me stop Denki from being an idiot?”
“Literally any of his other friends?”
“Yeah but you are so pretty, and he is a simp.” Toshi said matter-of-factly.
“Fine, but if I don’t see Tenya do his little arm thing at least once then I’m gonna be so mad at you.” I said giggling and tightening his arms once more.
“I can guarantee it, it will be Denki and a party. It’s like you don’t even know him.”
                                                               *
Me and the rest of class 3H had been instructed to be at Ground Gamma for a joint training session between 3A and 3B, the hero support students were to observe and help with gear whenever needed. Taking notes on current gear and seeing where adjustments were needed. As the future heroes got better at handling their quirks and being in tense situations some fights ended with a lot of damage. Whether it be to the heroes themselves or their gear, that’s where we came in.
I always seemed to forget just how big the facilities at UA really were, most of the grounds built to look like entire blocks of actual cities. Ground Gamma was made up of various exposed pipes and machinery, the combination giving a labyrinth affect perfect for heroes to improve theirs fighting skills in tight spaces.
Watching them was impressive, just how far they had come in a few short years was a credit to just how hard they trained every day. I felt safe and content knowing that these people were going to be patrolling the city one day and keeping people safe.
“Hey stranger!” a voice yelled in the distance, Sero’s tall body coming into view as he walked closer to me. Denki and Toshi following closely behind.
“Afternoon.” I said, saluting the boys as they got closer, standing on either side of me examining the work bench and tools that we had set up before anyone else arrived.
“How is my favourite little nerd?” Denki asked, nudging my arm with his and hugging me.
“I’m good, excited to see you guys train today.”
“Aw babe, prepare to be amazed!” Denki said, winking at me, his arm still slung around my side.
“Y/N could watch me burp the alphabet and be more impressed.” Hitoshi said sarcastically.
“You guys are so harsh.” He replied, clutching his hand to his chest and feigning sadness.
The group laughed as I turned around and prepared for this afternoon’s events. Ready to take notes and sketch new designs. The students had started filling up the platform, sitting in the groups they had been assigned, discussing the best plans of attack depending on their quirks.
“Everyone gather around!”
“Today will be a bit different, after today’s exercise we will be assigning you with new support students based on where we think the heroes need improvement and previous projects from the support course students. We will also be looking at your scheduled internships and work studies and matching you based on that so we can get all heroes and their gear to the best they can be before graduation.” Mr Aizawa said, commanding the attention of everyone on the platform. He wore his usual nonchalant expression, hair down and hands in his pockets.
Everyone talked amongst themselves about the recently learned information. As of right now I worked on Bakugo, Uraraka and Hitoshi’s costumes and support gear. The first two hero costumes were my entrance exam task, getting a rough design, a file on both students and their quirks and having to design according to that. Now making adjusts when needed or wanted. The most recent addition was two earpieces for Bakugo to reduce the noise of his explosions but still allowing him to hear regular noise, so he didn’t lose any sense while fighting. In hopes that his explosions wouldn’t damage his hearing anymore than it already had.
New projects were always welcome, in hopes of keeping my grades high before graduation. Hero Agencies always quick to offer students internships based on good grades and successful support gear.
“So to get this started, give it your best and good luck!” Allmight finished, the first two groups of students heading to their assigned bases to start training.
                                                             *
The training finished, class A’s teams winning the most training battles and celebrating accordingly. Cheering and hugging each other. My notebook already full of notes and sketches for potential changes and brand-new designs.
“Everyone please look up at the screen and look at who you have been given as your support students. There will be no changing so no complaining.” Aizawa said, already walking off the platform. Probably to wrap himself up in his sleeping bag.
There in large blue writing was my name.
Y/N Nanase – Hitoshi Shinso, Katsuki Bakugo, Shoto Todoroki
I looked over at the student who was newly assigned to me, there Shoto Todoroki was in all his half and half glory. One blue eye and one dark grey already staring back at me.
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likearecordbb · 3 years ago
Note
about your post on the recent discourse...
it's honestly so confusing to me because like,, you say that ppl pointing out how members of this fandom will make neil very stereotypically 'feminine' is reinforcing the idea of 'masculinity' as one thing and 'femininity' as another.... and i get that we should get rid of these labels. but at the same time... the content itself that ppl are criticising (the ones that 'feminize' neil) are already doing just that. that's why they're criticising it.
i can't point out how ppl are reinforcing the idea that a relationship should have a 'man' and a 'woman', without... saying that that's what they're doing. the writer themselves already sees relationships this way and 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as two different distinct things. that's exactly *why* they're writing neil this way while keeping andrew close to canon.
there's nothing wrong with neil being stereotypically 'feminine' of course. but to act like it's somehow misogynistic for me to go to these ppl and be like 'hey, u shouldn't view mlm relationships through the lens of a hetero one! it can be very harmful' is weird to me... *especially* considering these stereotypes that ppl are pushing onto neil come from misogyny themselves. (ppl making neil much much more emotional than he is in canon while keeping andrew very stoic)
idk, like... ur simultaneously saying that we shouldn't view relationships as needing a 'man' and a 'woman'... while defending people who are doing just that and creating content which reinforces just that.
it's one thing to say 'we shouldn't view masculinity and femininity as two distinct and different things!'/'we should get rid of these labels all together cause they're meaningless'... but if i look at the content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes... then i can't help but feel like ur not as detached from the idea of 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as u would like to believe... i trust the ppl who say these ideas are meaningless while not changing the canon characters because they seem to be sticking to their words.
people will just say that they prefer writing andreil is this heternormative way... they'll just say it what they like or what they're most comfortable writing without ever questioning *why* they prefer it this way.
and if they're projecting.. well then, *why* this couple? why pick an mlm couple to project what is often the experience of a cis woman in a relationship? why pick this mlm couple when there are others that do fit the stereotypical heternormative dynamic? idk. like,, u can do this ofc, but ppl can also call u out on ur shit.
there's an undeniable reason that neil is exclusively the one that ppl pick to make more stereotypically 'feminine'. and there's a reason this type of content is also so popular. and it's certainly not wrong to point this out.
You know, I can see all of these points that you're making. For me, the overall issue of this is very complicated. I am also super uncomfortable with the imposition of heteronormative roles onto...well, onto any relationship, regardless of the identities of the people who constitute it. I was raised smack dab in the middle of the gay community by lesbian moms (together 38 years now, jfc, can you imagine??), so that "man/woman" thing was never something that I grew up internalizing or normalizing. I can recognize that this may give me a bit too much of a sense of objectivity.
However, I'm also like...I've been ruined by grad school. The "feminizing" word makes me really uncomfortable because it starts to stray for me into gender essentialism territory. It also seems to foundationally differentiate between "masculine" behaviors and "feminine" behaviors and I just really hate that? Lesbian moms, trans daughter, bi (and late-in-life trying to see where on the ace spectrum I might fall) self, I've just met so many people with so many expressions of gender and sexuality and I just... Idk, I automatically resist anything that feels like it's upholding "masculinity" and "femininity" as real (as in, not constructed) things. And then I also am like, well, I've known SO MANY gay men who behaved in the ways that the discourse constructs as "feminized" and then I start to feel like, what about these men? Are they less 'men' because of it? How would it feel for that man to read these things saying his identity expression was a problem or a bad stereotype? Do I read *Neil Josten* within that context... no, not really. I think Neil has a 'not enough emotional expression' problem way before he has a 'too much emotional expression' problem.
I'll say here what I often say to my students in complex discussions: I don't have answers. I don't think I'm right and anyone else is wrong. I just have complicated thoughts and feelings and concerns about some of the things that sometimes seem to be left uninterrogated.
So, I do 100% get the need to be vigilant about the imposition of a "man" (dominant, emotionally constipated, sexually driven, stoic) role and "woman" (emotional, needy, teary, dependent) role onto relationships with two (or more!) men or women. I would also argue that we need to get rid of that idea in hetero relationships, too, because it's super damaging. I just wish we could find a way to talk about that that didn't feel like it was accepting this idea of femininity as a given? And I definitely agree that it's problematic when the 'bottom' in a relationship is depicted as the one who's soft and silly and weepy. (Have you read TJ Klune's Tales from Verania series? A VERY fun world that does that not at all and it's great). I'm not saying these things are not worth confronting--I'm just really uncomfortable with the way the conversations are often framed around a concept of femininity/feminizing. It feels like shrapnel, I guess? Like, 'ugh stop feminizing Neil he's not weepy and uwu he's a badass' feels inherently to me like it's making femininity and badassery mutually exclusive? Maybe I'm just looking for a caveat or footnote in the argument that acknowledges that that is constructed *for women too*? And is a part of, like, a larger heteronormative patriarchal structure? And not something that we can just all obviously agree is the way the ladies (should?) behave?
One other question I've been dying to ask, though, is: where are these fics? I don't think I've ever read something where Neil is crying over Jack being mean to him or anything. Maybe if I start to see hints of that characterization, I just close the tab and never end up getting to the 'worst' of it?
Although, if what you said earlier about the "content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes..." was referring to me, then... idk what to say to that. I don't think that's what I do. The heteronormative relationship that you're describing isn't one that I enjoy, desire for myself (or anyone else), or have any interest in reproducing.
Does this clarify what I'm trying to say? I guess it's a really long way of saying, in the old insufferable grad school tradition: well, first we have to define our terms. Because I'm not sure we're all coming up with the same thing when we use the word "feminizing" and that probably has a lot to do with why we keep having this exact same conversation over and over and over again.
If I missed any specific point you'd like to pick at in more detail, please let me know--my very sad platonic life partner (who had to put her beloved 15-year-old poodle to sleep yesterday) and her mom are waiting for me to drive them to the stores for a distraction, so I'm feeling a little time pressure.
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arigatouiris · 4 years ago
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always you // tsukishima x reader
Author’s Note: I am kinda proud of this one because I relate to the reader and Tsukki here so I just projected half of my personalities into either of them hahaha. Again, before I take requests, which I do, I want to finish clearing the works on my draft first. Currently I have two more one shots before my draft is completely clear and so far I have 3 requests in total. Also, I can totally see Tsukki as the pining type and hopeless romantic, yanno? I hope ya’ll like this~
Word count: 6329 words
Pairing: Tsukishima Kei x Reader (Aged up) (College AU)
Warnings: angst, mentions of alcohol, intoxication, intense pining, slight sexual references, eventual fluff, tired reader
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If someone would have told Tsukishima Kei that he would miss every single detail about Karasuno when he’d graduate, he’d have laughed at their face. He wasn’t sentimental, anyone who knew Tsukishima knew that he was one of the most practical people they’d ever meet, but here he was, standing beside a particular desk in his 3-4 classroom, staring at an inscription on it that reminded him of you.
The classroom is empty, and the silence echoes in his head constantly. It takes him only a second to think of how loud it would be if it were filled with people—it feels like just yesterday when this very classroom was bustling with joy and laughter, and here you’d sit, reading a book or trying to take a quick nap or doodling. 
Looking anywhere but at him.
He let out a breath before feeling his eyes burn, his fingers ghosting over the inscription on the desk. He thinks of your smile directed at him, your hair blowing in the wind, your laughter at something Yamaguchi said, and the way your eyes would glisten when you called out his name.
Tsukki.
His heart was constricting with a familiar sort of pain, the very pain he felt when he broke up with you six months ago; he remembered how your eyes didn’t widen, how tired you looked, how you pressed your lips together, and just walked away. You must have expected it, the way things had been going in the last year. You had your own club activities, and Kei had his dedication to the volleyball club—yet, despite how understanding the both of you had been earlier, third year did not work out.
     “Tsukki,” Yamaguchi’s voice broke him out of his stupor, before he pulled his hand away from the inscription. “Do you... Do you want to speak to her?”
He did. 
Oh, he missed you with every fibre of his being. He wanted to talk to you, he wanted to bury his fingers in your hair, touch your skin, kiss you till you became breathless and he wanted to see the blush settle on your face because of him. He wanted to apologize and scream at how stupid he was for letting you go, and all of this he had realized in six months of not being around you. People often said that first loves don’t last forever, but Kei wanted nothing more than to make things work with you.
No one understood him like you did; you took his snapping with a bulletproof shield and you were headstrong when he was letting himself feel weak. You didn’t punish him for being himself, instead, you embraced him for everything that came with him being who he was—even the bad parts.
     “No.” 
But, he knew it was too late. He knew you were probably not even in school. Your medical entrance was not far away, and he knew how hard you were working for it. That’s what he loved most about you. On days when he thought he wasn’t paying much attention to you, he’d be one of the last things on your mind because you had a life of your own. He’d wonder if he was being a bad boyfriend by neglecting you for days, not texting you or calling you, but then he’d hear from Yamaguchi that your club activities kept you so busy that it was hard for you to initiate any contact as well.
And when you two did meet after a week of not talking, you’d embrace him with that calming, quite addictive smile and a soft hug before he pushed you away and made fun of you. He’d secretly do it just to see you pout, which he thought was adorable. 
And his heart would break when you’d apologize to him instead. Tsukki, I’m sorry I was so busy, his eyes would widen, The club needed me to finish the reports for the anthology we were preparing—
He’d shut you up each time with a firm kiss. The loud beating of his heart meant that he liked you more than he let you know and he only wondered if that would ever bite him in the ass later. 
And it did.
*
It had been seven months since he had last seen you. 
Tsukishima knew you were in Tohoku Medical University, and the last time he had seen you was near his own university, meeting with a bunch of girls. He didn’t approach you, quickly hid himself away at an angle that allowed him to look at you, while you couldn’t see him. You didn’t cut your hair, despite how he believed girls after a relationship would make some change; however, you looked exactly like he remembered, no changes.
Did that mean something? He couldn’t deny how he was feeling upon seeing you there, smiling and talking to people he didn’t know, and he ached for you. To see you was to be seduced by you, and he loved how feisty you were with him. 
You weren’t shy, you didn’t have a flat personality like most girls he had met. You were a dangerous combination of everything that could ruin him, personified in a form that always took his breath away. Only he could see you flustered, only his touches could make you sigh and gasp and breathless, and he’d have it no other way.
He yearned for a glimpse of you throughout the day, and only at nights he could see you, be with you. But, somehow, you would be gone when he woke up.
It was a week after that did Tsukishima even tell Yamaguchi that he had seen you, to which the blond got news that he perhaps, could have lived without.
     “She’s dating someone.”
Tsukishima’s eyes widen at his friend’s words, who only looked a tad bit uncomfortable at how the blond was staring at him.
     “I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have brought it up—”
     “Who is it?”
Yamaguchi gulped, unsure if he even had to say anymore. He knew how his friend felt about you, and throwing at him this sudden bit of information could damage him more than he already was. Clearly, Tsukishima Kei had not stopped yearning for you, despite the breakup, despite the gap, despite the almost one year of not being with you.
     “It’s someone from her college... Her senpai, I think?”
But, there was no way Yamaguchi could ever lie to Kei. Tsukishima was grateful for the news, but the way it made him feel was not worth knowing the information. He felt a rock settle in between his lungs and every time he breathed he thought of you, and it hurt all the more than it did before. No matter how many deep breaths he took, Tsukishima could not let go of that rock. 
     “It’s been long anyway,” He couldn’t even hear his own words, “Good for her.”
Yamaguchi was the one who could see the emotions plastered on his friend’s face, and his heart dropped at the mere sight. Of all the years he had known Tsukishima, he had never seen him so exposed, so vulnerable, and without you, he was just a mess. A walking body of high-functioning anxiety, Tsukishima Kei would rather let his demons devour him than reveal that a girl was making him feel so helpless.
But, that girl was you—strength and beauty personified; there was no wonder that Kei fell so hard for you.
Yamaguchi still remembered that day clearly. The first time you two met, in final year of Junior High. Your relationship with Kei was as special as the one he shared with the blond, and even though you didn’t know him as long, it was just as strong, just as precious, and just as important.
In final year of Junior High, your grades suddenly skyrocketed and you were placed in his class—the teacher often comparing your grades with his own, two of the smartest people in class. Though, your smarts did not just come from you paying attention in class, it came from late-night work and intense studying on weekends. 
He had learned later on that you could not afford a cram school, so you would often cram by yourself, into ungodly hours on weekdays, and you’d come to class looking like a zombie and he’d snicker only to have you either ignore him or snap back.
Nevertheless, Kei grew to care for you and Yamaguchi noticed. He’d notice how Kei’s advances at making fun of you died down quite a bit afterward, and if he saw you struggling with something, he’d voluntarily walk over to you and offer to help you—surprising Yamaguchi, and himself in many ways, but what blew his mind was how you’d take his help despite the number of times you’d snapped at him, and you’d thank him, genuinely, making his heart feel full.
You’d started calling him Tsukki by the end of that year, and you’d gotten into Karasuno as well. It was as if the three of you were destined now, and slowly, he realized he developed feelings for you.
And even then, it was you who asked him out. Your face was red, your hands were behind your back, hoping that he’d not see that you were practically shaking, and you were a bit scared that he’d make fun of you. The year had just started, and his practice was going to keep him busy, but you liked him. You liked everything about Tsukishima Kei starting from the teasing, the relentless sarcasm, and the unbridled dedication, which was only masked by his nonchalant demeanor. 
But, it surprised you when no teasing ensued. You could never forget the way he looked right then—red faced, hand covering half his jaw, looking away from you like his life was on the line.
     “Y-Yeah, I know. You free this weekend?”
Kei thought of you every single day after Yamaguchi told him you were dating someone else. He’d think of you with someone, laughing at their jokes, holding their hand, letting them smell your hair or watch you smile, get the chance to see your eyes glisten toward them.
His thoughts now weren’t even that innocent; on odd days, in the loneliness his apartment brought him, Tsukishima thought of you kissing the boy you were dating, having his hands roam all over you, having some man ravage you instead of him. All Tsukishima could do was wonder what it would be like to take your first, what it would feel like to have his hands roam all over you—his thoughts, while not innocent, reflected how utterly alone he felt. 
And when Tsukishima woke up every single morning, his mind would go crawling back to you with guilt over how dirty his thoughts were the previous night. 
That evening, after practice, Tsukishima noticed Yamaguchi approach him, waving his hands, flailing them from side to side. Tsukishima rolled his eyes at his friend, who merely smiled at the blond before they walked out of the gym together.
     “What’s with you today?” 
Yamaguchi said, “She broke up with him.”
Tsukishima could not miss the way his heart skipped a beat at what Yamaguchi said. ‘She’ was automatically ‘you’, and that one vague sentence made so much sense to him that it had him thinking of how much you had him wrapped around your finger, without even knowing it. He turned to his friend, who merely nodded, and continued.
     “Apparently, he was too clingy. They’re in med school, and she’s not free at all. Now more so than it was in high school, and her senpai kept nagging at her for not spending enough time with her and she called it off a few days ago.”
Tsukishima did not hide the smirk that sat on his lips. 
     “She was always the individualistic type.” He commented, his voice low.
     “Yeah,” Tadashi nodded, “She needs her space, that (y/n).”
Tsukishima was in a way glad that you considered Yamaguchi so close. Some part of his mind wondered if the reason you told Yamaguchi such intricate details of your life was because you wanted him to know about you. Maybe, you knew Tadashi would ultimately tell Kei about everything, and maybe that was what you wanted.
     “Tsukki,” Yamaguchi voiced, “I can’t do this anymore...”
His eyes widened at his friend’s sudden revelation.
     “What do you mean?”
     “Maybe, (y/n)-chan tells me these things hoping I’d not tell you. Maybe, she wants me to tell you, either way, this is exhausting. You still love her, and she... she’s still trying to wrap her head around whatever it is she’s feeling and I feel like I’m caught in the middle here.”
Tsukishima knew that he could feel this way, but there was no way he could allow himself to lose the one thing that linked him to you. That one thing being Yamaguchi. 
     “Yama—”
     “Tsukki, please.”
Kei turned away before pressing his lips into a thin line. He understands, but he doesn’t like it. Yamaguchi knows that his friend doesn’t appreciate it, but the fact that Tsukishima Kei would never wish for someone’s unhappiness over his selfish desires was what kept their friendship going. 
*
Just as he was about to fall asleep that night, his phone rings. He’d not miss the number anywhere, his eyes were saucers as they were staring at your name on his phone screen, calling him at 1 a.m., almost as if you were used to calling him all these months.
His fingers ghost around the phone screen before deciding to pick the call, his heart rummaging in his chest the entire time.
     “(y/n)?”
     “Tsukki?”
In that one utterance, Tsukishima knew something was wrong. You weren’t yourself, there was something different, something that showcased that you were not entirely sane at that second. His stomach plummeted to the bottom when he realized what was actually going on.
     “Are you... are you drunk?”
You let out a bitter laugh before scoffing, “No, you’re drunk. Loser.”
He was suddenly very, very annoyed. He instantly got up, grabbing his jacket, checking the time once again before getting shocked once again at how careless you were being.
     “Where the hell are you? I’m coming to get you—”
     “I’m being followed, Tsukki.”
He could puke right now. In all his 20 years of life, he has never felt this scared. He felt the back of his eyelids burn, begging him to let himself cry, but if he had a breakdown it would only delay in getting to you. He needed to get you safe, he needed to ensure that you were within four walls, untouched, unscathed. 
     “Where are you?”
     “Inside a 7 Eleven... I think this is the one near Sendai?”
He knows where you are, but that doesn’t give him any sort of relief. 
     “Stay there. Do you understand me? Stay right there, and don’t fucking hang up.”
He doesn’t even bother to take his wallet, Tsukishima bolts out of his apartment, locking it, running towards the particular store you were in. He spots you from outside, you were not dressed provocatively, a fact that he was grateful for, and rushed inside to grab you by your wrist. You instantly pulled away, before looking up and realizing it was Tsukishima. 
Your eyes widened at his sudden arrival before he noticed how flushed your face was. You were so beautiful, it was breathtaking, but right now, all he could feel was unbridled anger.
     “No one’s following you, (y/n). What the fuck is wrong with you? Why did you—”
     “I was being paranoid? Man, I really need to sit down—”
     “Who left you here?” Tsukishima asked, anger bubbling in his chest.
He pulled you out of the store before leading you to his apartment. Walking with you there would take you ten minutes easily, but this part he didn’t care. He was glad that you were safe, but he was still angry at how careless your actions were.
     “My ex left me there. He wanted to talk about something, I think? But I just didn’t want to listen to him,” Kei looked at you from the side, his hand wrapped around your wrist, “I kept chugging one drink after another because I was just...”
He saw the eye bags under your eyes and he saw how dry your lips were. You were clearly dehydrated, and you looked devastatingly tired. Med school wasn’t a walk in the park, but seeing you like this, almost defeated, somehow reminded him of himself.
     “...I was just so tired.”
Kei’s eyes did not leave your form. He was hyperaware that the two of you hadn’t reached home yet, and whatever conversation he was going to have with you, he understood that right now wasn’t the best time. You were intoxicated, and by the looks of it, you were probably not going to remember anything of what was happening at the moment. 
A few more minutes later, Tsukishima had dragged you into his apartment, and latched the door behind him. He was grateful that he didn’t need to share his space with anyone, which meant he could avoid idiotic questions like ‘who’s the girl?’ or ‘it’s so late in the night, though?’, because right then, all Tsukishima wanted was answers from you, whether you were in a drunken stupor or not. Handing you a large glass of water and glaring at you until you drank it, Kei forced you to sit on the edge of his bed and watched you keenly.
     “Apparently senpai wanted to get back together,” You said, surprisingly sounding a lot less drunk. 
But, judging from your eyes and the way you were unable to focus on his unmoving form, which was right in front of you, he was certain that the alcohol was still in your system. Kei’s heart went out to how sad you actually looked, your light pink sweater was still neat, your jeans unstained, your hair tied in a messy bun—you weren’t dressed for drinks. It was perhaps either spontaneous or you were pushed to a point where you were so pissed off that drinking seemed the only way out.
     “Did he... Did he do anything?”
Tsukishima felt stupid for even attempting to ask you this, but he calmed down when he saw you smile to yourself.
     “No, I had pepper spray in my pocket.”
     “Had?”
     “I think I lost it now.”
Kei wanted to slap himself. You weren’t always like this. You weren’t someone who would resort to something so dangerous and reckless. He couldn’t help but think if this was in some way your method of coping, your method of healing from the breakup—was this your breakup formula, the inevitable course of action that you were supposed to take after he broke your heart?
     “I ended up calling my other ex.” You laughed, somewhat bitterly, causing Tsukishima’s stomach to drop.
You were drunk, but you clearly knew who he was and where you were. You may have been a lightweight but somehow, he was impressed with how you were holding your liquor, Kei leaned down in front of you and just watched you, his eyes were surprisingly soft, his fingers dying to touch you—unafraid because he knew you would not remember these moments with him. 
     “I don’t want to tell you anything I’ll regret in the morning,” You whispered, causing his eyes to widen.
     “What does that mean?” He asked, desperately, inching closer to you, but being sure to not make you uncomfortable.
You shook your head before blinking away tears that threatened to come your way. Tsukishima gaped, breathless, at how even intoxicated, you were the single most breathtaking person he had ever laid his eyes on.
     “Please sleep.” He said, standing up, and leaving you in his room. He wasn’t going to fit on the couch, but there was no other option. 
Even if his bed could fit the both of you, Kei would rather you sleep well and comfortably, than he would. Besides, he was sure that if he slept beside you (or even on the couch), he wouldn’t get to stay asleep for long either way.
When you wake up, you took a few seconds to bolt upwards, check your surroundings and then yourself. Your wallet, keys to your apartment, and your hair tie were on a table beside the bed, where a couple of aspirin and a water bottle was placed too. Getting up too fast was not good for you, your head spun around so sharply that you were inches away from puking.
     “Where...?”
A moment later, you got up from the bed—after having taken the medicine and water, left there by god knows who, you inched your way to the living room of this strange person, wanting to thank them for sheltering you for the night. You felt shame hit your veins, you can’t believe you had done something like this—especially alone; and you could only wonder if a creep had sheltered you.
But, the person you saw on the couch was Tsukishima Kei, your ex-boyfriend from high school, struggling to stay asleep on the couch. Your heart broke at the sight of the tall boy, barely fitting into the couch, knowing full well that another step and he’ll wake up.
On odd days, you wondered why he broke up with you. On odd days, you missed him so much that you could cry. On days like today, your heart was barely fill and you were certain that a certain blond was the reason you craved doing reckless things—reckless because some part of you wished with all it had that he would come save you. He stirred awake, almost alerted by how you were just standing there, without making a sound. 
When his eyes met yours, he scoffed rudely—as expected—before sitting up, and leaning his head against the headrest. 
     “Tsukishima—”
     “I knew med students were crazy, but wow,” Your eyes widened at his words, “What the fuck, (l/n)?”
You had descended down to your last name with him, and the acknowledgement of it shattered your heart. You felt tears prick your eyes instantly, but you were not going to show any sort of weakness in front of him, not after last night—not after whatever could have happened.
     “What happened last night?” You couldn’t bare the sound of your voice, at how groggy and hungover you sounded.
Tsukishima made it evident that he didn’t like it too, but chose to keep his words to himself.
     “Nothing dirty happened, just you, throwing yourself into a depressing pit of alcohol drinking and embarrassing yourself.”
You frowned. There was no need for him to be plain mean about it. Sure, he had helped you, but that was it, right?
     “Thanks for last night.” You wanted to ignore his words, you wanted to let it go and not fuel him into saying anything more. 
     “I won’t be surprised if this happens again, you know? Judging from how you’ve turned out—”
     “Tsukishima!” You snapped, causing him to wince at his own words.
He didn’t dare look at you. He knew he had crossed the line, he knew he had said something to deliberately hurt you, and that had hurt you, but facing you would break him. What a coward, his mind scolded him, before he heard shuffling coming from where you stood. 
     “You see, I’m not surprised,” You said, pressing your lips together. “You were always this bitter.”
Tsukishima could hear your voice break. Way to go, he thought, you made her cry again. He gulped before attempting to turn to you, but he noticed that your back was facing him now—making him feel somewhat relieved, but scared at the same time. 
I am so glad you’re okay, was what he wanted to say.
     “No shit,” was what came out.
He noticed how your shoulders trembled now, as you reached down to grab your shoes. Tsukishima wanted to stand up and stop you, hold you in his embrace and beg for you to stay because if it were him, he’d not even dare give himself another chance—but you, you were forgiving and kind and gentle, all things that drove him up the wall yet made him fall so devastatingly in love with you.
Please don’t go, he wanted to say.
     “Get out, (l/n),” was what came out.
You shook your head, “I can’t believe I’m like this because of you.”
Tsukishima felt the wind get knocked out of him, but before he could stop you, before he could find answers or any sort of confirmation at what you said, before he could even think of what was going on, unfortunately for him, he was frozen to where he stood and was forced to watch you leave. 
He felt his fingers shake, and he looked down at his hands, which got blurrier and blurrier at each second, as he fought the urge to slap himself. Of course, he thought internally, if he was a mess of a human being, finding unhealthy coping mechanisms by trying to learn about what you were doing, stalking your social media, staring at pictures of you from Yamaguchi’s profile, reading his old chats with you, and everything that would perhaps never let him move on from you; then so were you.
He was the one who broke up with you, after all. If anything, you’d be the one in a much, much more difficult path. 
Tsukishima did not go to class that day, and he missed practice. His captain called him multiple times, to which he merely replied saying he had the stomach bug—his captain was a lot like Kageyama, but for some reason, even he understood the importance of an optimum immune system and told Tsukishima he had to take the day off, no issues from that. Yamaguchi inquired about his sudden absence, but he merely said ‘I’m tired’ to him and left it at that.
But, oh boy, he was trying to call you, alright. 
Tsukishima perhaps would have called you fifteen times in the last hour, with each of those calls ignored. After the barrage of calls, he left a barrage of messages, each asking you to pick up or call him back, suddenly forgetting the need to act as if he was high and mighty—no, if you were hurting as well, and he was hurting beyond belief, he had to fix it. A dialogue was the only thing that could put things back to normal, and hell be with Tsukishima keeping face. If this meant that he had to bow down and scream an apology, then so be it.
Hey. Pick up.
Hey. Call me.
Please, call me back.
Are you busy? Call me.
I know you’re ignoring me, call me back.
(y/n). Please. Call me.
What if this was an emergency? Call me, (y/n).
Tsukishima looked at his own messages and thought about what was wrong with him. After almost a year and a half of radio silence, here he was, literally begging for you to call him back after he had done something so fucking idiotic. He had a lot more to apologize for, he knew it, but he could only do so if you gave him that chance.
It was around 7 p.m., when you called back. 
     “(y/n)—”
     “I had lab time, Tsukishima. What do you want?”
You were busy. You were perhaps so busy you couldn’t check your phone. Of course, you were studying to become a doctor. You weren’t ignoring him. Somehow, this fact resonated well with his heart. Even your ‘what do you want’ sounded more tired than angry, and he could hear the lag in your voice to confirm the same.
     “I need to talk to you—”
     “Well, you made it clear that you didn’t want anything to do with me earlier today.”
     “Please,” He felt so out of character, but right then he didn’t care, “Let me see you.”
     “I...” He heard you sigh deeply, “I can’t today, really. I missed lab work yesterday because... because of that stupid bar night, and now I have to make up for the lost time. I’ll probably be here studying all night.”
     “Okay then.”
You were confused when he cut the call, but you assumed he was just tired of trying. You weren’t making an excuse; you stared at your phone, where just a moment ago your ex-boyfriend’s name was flashed up. You lick your lips and realize it’s been four hours since you had a sip of water. You clearly weren’t taking good care of yourself, and if Tsukishima was still with you, he’d reprimand you to no end.
Oh, you missed him. 
You missed how he’d scold you for these reckless things you’d do. He knew about your habit of never drinking water, just surviving on licking your lips and sipping water after meals here and there. He hated that bit about you and he made it his personal responsibility to ensure you drank at least a bottle of water whenever he was around. 
You missed the way he cared for you, so subtle yet loud—it resonated like his personality and you’d sometimes find yourself caring about your well-being because he cared; and even though the motivation here was incorrect, it brought the desired result regardless.
You missed him so much, it was like suddenly having lost a part of your body. It was as though you had lost an arm or leg but still instinctively reach out to feel your missing limb or try to walk again, placing your entire weight on something that was no longer there.
Swallowing the intense feelings you were experiencing, you buried yourself into the work you had ignored the previous evening and started to work. Medical school was exhausting even without the emotional baggage you managed to carry with you every single day.
What you expected would take you a couple of hours merely extended and you were in the lab till 2 a.m. Your eyelids were heavier than they had ever been before and you felt like your legs were jelly. You didn’t care about the way you looked right then, but you were certain that you looked half-dead. You couldn’t remember the last time you had eaten, and you noticed that the water bottle you had got for yourself earlier that day was still untouched. 
Sighing, you grab your things and prepared to trek all the way home. A simple walk would feel like a trek, your feet felt like they were bleeding from the soles. However, the second you stepped out through the hospital exit (the college exit was closed), your footsteps came to a halt.
Tsukishima sat there, by the bench near the parking and your heart skipped a beat. What is he...?
He noticed movement from the side of his view and spotted you there. He instantly stood up, before realizing that you were busy (once again), of how you poured your all into everything that you cared about. This only made him wonder how much you had poured yourself into him.
     “What are you doing here?”
You sounded so tired, it was so strange. He had never heard you sound almost defeated—he took one good look at you then; chapped lips, dark circles, disheveled hair; he knew you were dehydrated, hungry, exhausted and you had not once thought of these things.
     “I’m hungry.”
You blink and sigh, “Tsukishima, I’ve had a long—”
     “Please, come with me.”
You’ve never heard him say please so many times in one day. Your heart is weak for him still, and you follow him to the nearest 7 Eleven. You were wearing your white coat, a purple full sleeved top and the same jeans you were last night. You looked to find him wearing exactly what he was wearing that morning when you saw him, the black full sleeve tee, brown jacket and blue jeans. No matter what he wore, he always managed to look so devastatingly beautiful. 
     “Eat something.” 
You didn’t have the energy to argue with him, you bought a sandwich for yourself and he got some ramen (for some reason, he chose your favorite flavor), and the two of you went out to sit by a park bench, isolated from the world. Your apartment was merely a five-minute walk from where you were, but that didn’t matter right then.
     “You obviously still like me.” He said, somehow his voice not condescending or witty.
     “Obviously.” You admit, because you were too tired to argue.
You heard him chuckle, but you were busy eating your sandwich, the bottle of water beside you suddenly looked like the most tempting thing in the world. What you missed was how Tsukishima’s hands were trembling as he linked them together in front of him, leaning forward on where he sat. 
     “You’re an asshole, you know that?” You say, realizing the sandwich did nothing to quench your hunger.
     “I know.” He sounded so defeated, before turning to you and handing you the cup ramen.
I knew he was going to do this, you thought, tears pricking your eyes. He bought your favorite flavor because he knew.
Tsukki, you took the cup ramen without hesitation, you can’t do this to me.
     “Why,” You stared at the cup ramen, “Why can’t you just tell me what’s on your mind?”
You heard no response from him. You took exactly two sips from the water bottle and dug into the cup ramen. But you stopped eating midway, shaking your head. 
     “Kei,” You jumped to third year high school again, “Please, I can’t... I will leave if you don’t stop me.”
There was no attempt made. You turned to see him staring at the ground, emotionlessly. You couldn’t decipher what you were feeling, but you certainly couldn’t try to decipher what he was feeling either. His silence left you breathless, all of a sudden you want to cry and scream, you wonder what you did wrong, you wonder what happened—why was he the way he was? Did you make him mistrust you in anyway?
A sob exited your mouth, but your trembling lips capture the rest. 
However, Tsukishima Kei’s trembling hands raised to his face and he cried; your eyes widening at his sudden reveal. You quickly place the cup ramen to your side and turn to face him, your sweet boy, the boy you had so willingly given your heart to, crying his heart out, sobs ugly, tears streaking down his gorgeous face. The sight kills you.
     “It’s so fucking hard to see you happy,”
You’re confused, but you knew he didn’t mean the words to their exact meaning. There had to be something else. He didn’t want you to be happy? What the fuck?
     “And I’m not there...”
Ah.
     “You... You don’t need me and that kills me...”
You were quick to kneel down in front of him, your fingers trembling, your knee trembling, your legs quivering, but your heart was strong enough. All you needed right now was your heart.
     “I don’t need you,” Your voice was a whisper only he could hear. 
Kei rolled his eyes, and you noticed how wet they were from the crying. Your right hand wiped some of the tears from his face before you took a breath.
     “But I want you. Always, always you.”
It was Kei’s turn to meet your gaze. You were staring at him, a soft smile on your features.
Why was it that it was always you who would assure him when things were wrong? Why was it that you were always saving him? Either from a misunderstanding, a fight or most often, from himself?
He felt so weak when he was around you. He didn’t know if it was a curse or a blessing.
     “No one compares to you. And as bad as that sounds, I couldn’t stop thinking of you, no matter who I’m with. No one compares to your brash, asshole self.”
You let out a giggle and notice how wide his eyes were. You want to kiss him, but you hold back.
     “I love you so much, but it’s hard, Kei... It’s hard if you don’t give me bit of an edge, you know?”
Your hand which was on his face, Kei suddenly took it and kissed the back of it, surprising you. 
     “I love you,” He kisses it again, “I am so in love with you.”
You could only smile. You leaned forward, before pressing your lips to his; Tsukishima could feel how chapped your lips were, but that didn’t stop him from kissing you back fervently. His hand rushed to the side of your face, before pressing you to him, not hard enough that you fall down—he was painfully aware of how tired you were. He pulled away before pecking your lips a few times, kissing below your lower lip and staring at you, lovingly.
     “All of this pain could have been avoided if you just accepted what you were feeling, you know that right?”
You were right. 
You were always right when it came to him, no one knew him as well as you did. You knew every inch of his soul because it belonged to you, and there was no taking back. And while he was aware that he had to work on some aspects of himself, Kei suddenly felt confident. Looking at you, kneeling in front of him like that, despite how tired you were, despite how shitty of a day it had been, he was sure that with you, he could do anything.
Suddenly, his mind travelled back to your desk in class 3-4, with the inscription that he could not stop touching back on the day of your graduation. 
kei + y/n
A simple jumble of words. Enough to break his heart, or make it. He wondered if he’ll ever tell you he created a small forever for the both of you in that classroom.
Well, he thought, forcing you to drink water, Maybe someday.
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trashlie · 3 years ago
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I'm loving all your ILY posts! I've also seen your comments on reddit and I enjoy reading your insightful analysis there, too. I would like to know your thoughts on Kousuke and Alyssa. Do you think they will become narrative foils? I noticed they were acting awkwardly around each other too (it kind of reminds me of how annoyed Soushi reacts around Maya) and she seems to have a crush on him 👀 I think she'll be used to contrast how he's still capable of redemption. 1/?
I mean Yui groomed them both successfully. They have shown to emulate her behavior, value their reputation over other people's feelings, and refuse to take accountability for their actions against Shin Ae and Nol. But unlike Kousuke, Alyssa has shown no hint of remorse or even guilt. 2/?
Waaahh thank you so much, anon! Isn't it silly that I still go :O when I realize people actually enjoy what I have to say? I started yelling into the void on tumblr because I got worried I was too active on reddit and I was possibly annoying people lmaooooo so I'm actually really glad you're able to find me on both platforms! It means a lot that I'm not just yelling into a total void.
If you don't mind, I'm breaking your ask down into two parts, because I might leave somethin off/this will get too long if I keep it all in one lol. BUT you bring up things I love to think about!!!!! So!!!!!
I think we are deliberately kept in the dark about Alyssa - whether it's to subvert the scheming girl trope, I'm not sure, but there's a lot of things we don't know about her and that's definitely on purpose. She's a character who probably won't be revealed more to us for a while yet, too, which is frustrating if only because I want to know everything NOW, but it does serve to make her more interesting.
Alyssa's interest in Kousuke is so obvious I can't believe I never noticed it in my original reads. I've seen this brushed off as "She just admires him" and I'm just like... she actually sulked for a moment about Kousuke leaving! Meanwhile she was straight up all but telling Nol she'll help him pack his bags lmao.
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I feel like the cast of her shadow is deliberate, too, but look at that face. Sulking.
Compare with
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There's room to argue that we can't see Alyssa's face when she first tells him she won't stop him, but she kind of makes it abundantly clear that Nol being away doesn't really affect her. And, I mean, look at how their relationship is conducted. She's bragged to Meg that she and Nol are so casual and cool and easy breezy.
(I guess that means there ALSO is room to argue that Alyssa is putting on a front and just saying this to make sure people think her relationship is great, but the only People who know is Meg. And as a people pleaser, if Alyssa felt uncomfortable with the casual nature of her relationship with Nol, wouldn't she actually do more to make the relationship more of what she wants? Notably during the conversation on the balcony, she basically tells Nol this isn't really her dream relationship, which leads to the admission that they are together not for each other but for the benefits they each get so......)
Kousuke is the one who confuses me the most, because it strikes me as really weird that Yui has used Alyssa as leverage before against Kousuke. "You should bring a date, Kousuke, Alyssa will be there." What does this mean? What does it have to do with him and why would it entice him to bring anyone, anyway? I'm still really baffled on this one, tbh. Something that really stood out to me was during the dinner when Nol finally revealed he was planning to attend Oxford, Kousuke was distracted by his own news that the CFO position would be opening. In fact, when Nol mentions attending Oxford later, Kousuke seems to act like this is his first time hearing it.
Nol takes note of Kousuke's state of distraction before he finally starts talking about his plan.
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The way quim does the dialogue and suddenly Kousuke's interest returning is.... interesting isn't it? From the moment Nol notes Kousuke's disinterest, we don't see his face again until Rand brings up Alyssa. Quim doesn't do anything without reason - in a movie, you wouldn't waste film on Kousuke's interesting returning at the mention of Alysa unless it meant anything, right?
There's so many little moments that make me go what the heck is going on here, too.
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What the heck is up with THIS? Why does Kousuke deliberate SO LONG before he calls Alyssa? Like, do I think he's really so weirded out about calling his younger brother's girlfriend, considering he has one of his younger brother's own friends reporting on him and at his beck and call? You can't convince me that he's hesitant only because Alyssa is the sister of Meg. It just seems too wary.
And yes, this moment here?
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It really does have the same tone as Soushi's wariness of Maya, except is Kousuke wary of Alyssa in the same way? Is he wary of her intentions? This one is so hard for me to read, because frankly, at this point it's hard to tell if Kousuke even cares about Nol as a brother or because he was forced to and he feels deep-buried remorse for the way he treated him and doesn't know how to handle it. Is he just aware of Alyssa's keen interest in him and that puts him on edge? Would he even care about Alyssa's keen interest unless she starts to get pushy?
I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA and frankly, it drives me nuts, so I love to discuss this and see what other people have to say. I'd never even noticed how long he deliberates before finally calling her until someone on reddit pointed that out.
lmao this so much preamble to get to the point but anyway YES they are absolutely parallels and I do wonder if they would become foils. Again, it's hard to know with Alyssa because we've been deliberately shielded so much of her personality right now and it's hard to tell what's real and what's not with her. The way that she worries about Shinae telling Nol what she did absolutely reads to me as a lack of remorse, but maybe I'm just projecting because we haven't been given much reason to like her lol. Shinae definitely makes it seem like Alyssa never actually apologized and the way Shinae just brushes it off makes me feel like there was never actual, proper closure. What Alyssa did is worse than just causing her injury: it was why she did it and how she reacted like Shinae was something dirty and how dare she even talk to her even though Shinae probably just wanted to know why Alyssa stopped being friends with her. Maybe she was even seeking closure at the time.
In the same way that Nol and Shinae are mirrors, Kousuke and Alyssa are their parallel abusers, grooming victims of Yui, those who care more about their image and reputation than anything else and have hurt others (Nol and Shinae) in their quest to fill the role. We still don't know if Alyssa dated Nol because she genuinely had a crush (doubtful so far) or because she figured out the family he's from and wanted to get closer. I try so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt but narratively we aren't privy to that yet. Also, have you noticed that Nol and Shinae both have a relationship of some kind with each others' abuser? This mirror and their parallel abusers thing is INTRICATELY woven.
That's what makes it so difficult to tell if she'll become a foil or merely a parallel that highlights what Nol and Shinae have been through. We know Kousuke will receive a redemption arc, because he's a main character, and also because I think part of subverting his trope is that he has to take responsibility for his past actions, rather than being loved in spite of the things he's done or whatever. In order for Kousuke to proper and develop further, he has to be held accountable and he has to break free of his family. Can we trust the same for Alyssa? At this point, she doesn't want to lose Nol because she knows if she loses him, she can just as easily lose her career and access to the world she's only just gained access to (and if she were to lose it all right now, it would be worse for her because she'd have all those trainee fees to pay back).
I think both Kousuke and Alyssa are likely in for a very public airing of their sins; for Kousuke it may come in the form of the expose YuJing is working on, collateral damage in the quest to take down Yui. I also think the only way to nudge Kousuke to change is that his image has to take a hit in some form. Is it that Rand isn't his father? Is it a reveal that he abused his brother? Is it whatever happened in the past that Nol got in trouble for was caused by Kousuke and he let Nol take the blame? Likewise, I think the fact that people knew Alyssa in middle school means she's not so safe, either; what if one of the girls from after school duty reveals what happened? Surely there were rumors going around school about what happened - Shinae is out of school, Alyssa is pulled from school, kids talk. Frankly, a scandal like that could ruin her career, and worse, if Nol knew what she had done, would he be able to remain shackled to her?
While I know Kousuke won't immediately take responsibility for his actions, I've always believed that such a catalyst would at least make him start thinking about it and force him to admit it. It wouldn't happen over night, but in time it will. But will Alyssa? Would she deny the allegations? Would she just shift blame, insist that it was all an accident, that it wasn't bullying like you think? (Cos look, I do believe it was an accident, but there's a way to call it an accident and still admit fault and blame; but just as easily you can call it an accident and try to shirk responsibility.)
I do love the idea of her being a foil for Kousuke, an Aesop's fable, if you will, of what happens when you barter with the devil (Yui). I'm not opposed to the scheming female character type, but I do oppose it when they take down others to raise themselves up, and if that's the way Alyssa will end up doing it, then I'll be happy to watch her fall. If she can scheme and use her connections without hurting people then hey power to ya. Unlike Alyssa, Kousuke never had a chance to evade Yui, and being able to walk away from her as an adult will be a choice he can make. Alyssa loses... so much if she breaks her deal.
I guess that's the thing about where she and Nol are in their relationship now - it's been made clear he's hanging in here because he's forced to and as a sort of act of self-sabotage, full well knowing she's here because she's taking advantage of the opportunities that "dating" him brings so... if they're in an agreement, is it okay to watch her climb right now? She leaves me conflicted and I know it's largely because she's one of the characters we know just enough to hate but so little to justify. Could it be that it all just got out of hand for her? At first she just wanted friends, was trying to find a place to belong, something good in a life that deprived her of social connections. And then comes along Yui, seducing her with ideas of fame and fortune? Was the desire to be loved and admired so strong it powered over the need to fit in with friends and she readily cast them off? Did she not anticipate what it would actually mean, thought she could have her cake and eat it, too? The way she responds to Nol's texts, and the fact that Dieter and Soushi ask him about her, means she probably isn't even in touch with them at all anymore. Idk, I really look forward to seeing their dynamic pre-idol Alyssa, because I want to know how she fit with them, what was it like?
And then, because this was supposed to be about foils lmao you have the fact that Shinae basically foils both Alyssa and Kousuke in regard to Nol, both as a person who cares about him and also as "a good friend" vs "the person I'm currently seeing" lmao like, everyone is literally set to juxtapose each other and man, I'll never get over how well this has been done lmao. Compared to Kousuke and Alyssa, Shinae is the one who accepts responsibility even when it's difficult, who knows when and how to swallow her pride (even if she's not the one who should) and I think it's why she is the one seen a the champion at Nol's side - they are the ones who care little for their images and who know how to apologize (even when they aren't the ones who should be) and that's why they are at each other's sides.
So yes, this is a very long essay response lol to essentially say: I'm still undecided if I think Alyssa will become a foil or merely remain a parallel. I would love to see her redeem herself but something tells me not all characters in this story will be redeeamable. Maybe one day we'll understand her motivation, even if we don't agree with it. I hope at the very least she makes peace with Shinae, but I get the feeling she'll be forced into it (as in, her secret gets ousted) and that's not as satisfying, but hey, if it helps Shinae then I'm for it.
A friend of mine has mused that maybe Alyssa will be the one to oust the secret herself and I'm ngl, I like that idea though it does feel kind of vindictive towards her character. Maybe accidentally spilling it to Nol would be the segue to a couple episodes from her POV though!
Gosh this was so long I'm so sorry lmao but please follow up with your thoughts and feelings, too, or if this made you think of anything or what! I think at this point in the story we've been given a lot of information but we just don't have enough of it to totally piece together what we're supposed to be seeing. I think Kousuke and Alyssa's weirdness around each other is very deliberate, though, and I'm not sure "She's Meg's sister" is enough to warrant so many panels of Kou being SO WEIRD about her, you know? Am I missing thing? Is there more to be revealed? Are we just blind? lmao Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh
#I Love Yoo#ILY Brainrot#Alyssa Cho#Kousuke Hirahara#at this point always anticipate a read more cos whew i can't shut up!#BUT I'VE BEEN FIXATED ON THIS FOR A WHILE NOW AND I STILL HAVEN'T COME TO A CONCLUSION I LIKE#AND I'VE BEEN DYING TO TALK A LITTLE ABOUT ALYSSA AND KOUSUKE AS UNREPENTENT PARALLELS AND YUI PUPPETS#the way that Nol and Shinae are mirrors and they each have their own version of Kousuke/Alyssa#and conveniently they each have a relationship of some sort with each others abusers does not escape me#what will Shinae think when she finds out how Kousuke has treated Nol?#What will Nol think when he finds out who Alyssa was during her brief stint at public school#I'm dying for flashbacks with Alyssa because I JUST! WANT! TO UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!#so far it's so easy to villify her because we don't know otherwise#we've been given no reason to justify or forgive her#and you know what i am okay with villifying a character like her in a story with some pretty dimensional female characters#Maya is one such character who was easy for readers to hate but redeemed herself by being mature and honest with Shinae#do I trust Alyssa to be mature and honest?#only if she ever becomes okay with the idea of losing her image#i think that's a big thing for Kousuke and Alyssa?#at some point Kousuke will realize his image is a fraud#something he was manipulated into despite what he likes to believe#and once he comes to that realization after he breaks down and crumbles and rebuilds he will find a new path and build his own image#one of his own making#but Alyssa....? Who or what would she be if she lost her image?#if she couldn't control the narrative?#AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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