#like they were 17 because they just repressed repressed repressed

[cherrysnax]

oh yeah we were also wondering why we flock to media with dead kids that haunt the narrative both figuratively and literally and uh :) yeah we know why

[jorvikzelda]

today i had this Vivid memory flash through my mind of kissing my ex boyfriend (this was like 2018) and i felt so viscerally fucking revolted and I gotta say. it is truly impressive that I didn’t realise I’m a lesbian sooner than fucking half a year ago

[gaytobymeres]

if my parents dont suspect im dating someone at this point then idk when they will

[zriasstuff]

All because I liked a boy

Theodore Nott x reader

Before you scroll: THANK YOU FOR 314 FOLLOWERS RAHHH <<33 (the pi number is perfect) and special shoutout to @babygoddam who ALWAYS likes my shit first, you a real one. Feel absolutely free to send in requests (totally not because im running out of ideas)!!!!

Summary: Theo is dating Pansy, but is also seeing you secretly behind her back. What happens when you get sick of that and present him an ultimatum. Will it be her or you? And what if a unexpected friendship develops from all this?

It’s your last year at hogwarts, so that makes you about 17/18 yo.

Everything about your clandestine meetups behind the quidditch field was morally wrong. As you’re walking up to your meetup spot, you feel the urge to stop yourself and go back to your dorm. You want to, and most importantly should stop making the same mistake again and again. But your lack of self control would be the eventual death of you.

Actually, no. Theodore Nott would be the eventual death of you. He was the reason for your lack of self control.

The freezing January air made it impossible to breathe, your red nose hurting from every drawn breath. Shivers ran through your body, all the way to your head where you were experiencing a first hand brain freeze. How was it possible that this is what your life has come to.

Through the foggy air, you eventually make out a tall and lean figure, approaching you with arms crossed and head down. Death has arrived.

“My bad on suggesting to meet up here in this crappy weather, but my dorm is occupied”, he breathed out while clouds of vapor escaped his mouth.

“What about the library then?”, you suggested. Any place inside would be better than this.

“No”, he decisively rejects your idea while shaking his head.

“Why not”, you ask.

“You know why”, he says, sounding increasingly annoyed.

“I don’t” You do. You know exactly why. You want to hear him say it.

“Don’t do this”

“I really don’t know”

“Stop, I really don't want to do this right now” Theo let out a repressed huff with his head lowered. One of his hands that was in his jacket pocket began ruffling through his hair. Whenever he was uneasy he did that.

“Fine”, you let it go. Truth be told, you were also afraid that you wouldn’t be able to digest what Theo would say. On one side, you knew that this was wrong. But on the other hand, admitting it was wrong meant that you would have to end it, otherwise it would make you guys horrible people.

Not that you weren’t horrible people now, but saying it just made it all the more real. Real is bad. Reality sucks. It was easier to hide in a bubble.

Theo looks you in the eyes again, assessing that this probably wasn’t a great time to do anything. But he didn’t want to make you feel like trash either.

“So how was your day?”, he awkwardly asks.

“We don’t have to do this, don’t pretend you actually care”, you sigh. His attempt was meant well, but it was futile. He could never make you feel fully cared for. And that was alright. You know you don’t deserve it anyway.

“I do care”, he exhales while nailing you with his intense stare.

“For your dirty mistress? How naive do you think i am”

“So you do want to do this right now” You thought you didn’t, but today seemed to be especially hard on you. Perhaps it was the stress from classes, perhaps it was the passive aggressive letter you got from your parents, or perhaps it was Theo barely acknowledging your existence in between classes.

“If not now, when then? I'm getting sick of not talking about it” It was time to face reality and put your fears aside.

“I thought you were okay with this”, he raised his voice confusingly.

“With being your side chick who can’t be seen or associated with you in public? Am I okay with seeing you prance around with Pansy, while I have to meet you out here like this?”

“Hey I'm not the bad guy who is forcing you to do this”

Theodore Nott wasn’t forcing you to do anything. No. He would just call you baby behind closed doors. Buy you flowers. Secretly spend nights with you. Anything a boyfriend would do, just without the emotional attachment.

And Pansy. His girlfriend he actually prances around with. His girlfriend who thinks she means the world to him. This slippery slope with Theodore down to where you were now started approximately four months ago. He had gotten into a really bad fight with her and at a party he started flirting with you. He lied about having broken up with her.

The worst part— you didn’t even find out up until two months later. In those two months he had obviously made up with her and didn’t end it, but he was sneaky. You had to give him credit for having juggled the two of you for that long without either noticing. You guess it helped that you were in Gryffindor. But after two months Theo got tired of being on edge all the time, so he decided to make his relationship with Pansy public again.

Why didn't you end it with him back then? Good question. All you remember is a bunch of unconvincing bullshit from him. But as unconvincing as it was, he gave you a sense of comfort. And although he didn’t make you feel fully cared for, he was still better than your supposed friends. Those two months you lived in the unknown were special, you had to admit. You felt special. But even the brightest spark eventually dies out.

“I know you’re not forcing me, but I'm getting fucking exhausted of this. And I feel terrible about Pansy”

“Why do you even care about her?”

“WHY DON’T YOU?!”, you suddenly burst out. Yes, he chose her over you because he had been together with her before you got together with him. Admittedly, he’s treating her better than you. But you don’t hate her. She actually didn't do anything. And unlike you, she isn't actively hurting you. It was so frustrating to know that you were choosing some guy over the “girls protect girls” vow. All because you couldn’t handle being alone again. Pathetic.

“Do you realize how ridiculous you sound Theo? Saying you like both of us, but in reality you treat both of us like shit.”

“Well what do you want me to do?”, he angrily asked.

“I'm giving you an ultimatum. Either you break up with me and stay with her. Or you tell her and deal with her breaking up with you. If she doesn’t, and if you also don’t, then I will anyway”

Perhaps it sounded a bit too extreme at the moment. You were definitely the last person to talk about morals, but it wasn’t too late yet. In the long run, it would benefit Theo too. A huge weight was finally going to be lifted off of your shoulders.

“Please, you’re not thinking straight”, he pitifully pleads in a last attempt to escape his responsibility and ultimately reality.

“I mean this works just fine. Pansy is happy, I can make you happy, and i promise you won’t feel like a dirty mistress”

A scoff is all you’re able to respond with. “You got until the end of the week, otherwise I will immediately cut off any ties with you”

Are you as important to Theo as he says you are? It’s wrong, but innerly you wish that he would break up with Pansy without telling her. That would be ideal for you. Freaking Theodore Nott, who showed you what kind of person you really were.

The next day, you caught Theo and Pansy making out in the hallways. “Ugh get a room”, you think to yourself. The day after, still no change. And on the day after that, everything was still the same. And as one could imagine, on the fourth day, still nothing.

With Friday approaching, Theo would only have two more days to make his decision according to your ultimatum. Perhaps he thought that you didn’t mean it seriously, but you did. You swore to yourself that if after two days still nothing happened, you’d break up with him. “Break up”, as in quit being fuck buddies, it wasn’t like you were in a real relationship.

Consumed by your own thoughts, you apparently missed McGonagall's announcement. Suddenly half the class was packing their stuff and getting up.

“Hey what’s going on”, you ask a guy sitting in front of you.

“Did you seriously not pay attention?”, he hisses.

“What do you think, smart-ass, since I’m asking you right now?” This was not the time to be lecturing you.

“We got a new seating arrangement, she just read out all the pairs who are going to be sitting next to each other. I think you’re with Pansy”

Shit. You swallow hard at the mention of her name.

“You sure?”, you ask dumbfounded.

“I mean she’s walking up to you right now”, he says shrugging his shoulders, “anyway gotta go”

You hope to fuck that he was wrong. But after turning around frantically, you observe that Pansy was in fact walking up to you. Out of all forty students, of course you would be next to her.

“Heyyy, looks like we’re going to be stuck with each other for a semester. Cute bracelet by the way, where’d you get it?”, she greets you in quite a chipper tone.

“You’re boyfriend actually got it for me after our first time”, is what you would say if you didn’t lie. Instead you reply “thanks, a friend got it for me but I don’t know from where”

“Y’know I actually have a really similar one”, she says as she’s sitting down next to you and pulls up her sleeve, “Theo gave it to me”. It was basically the same bracelet, just in gold instead of silver. So, what were the chances that Theo bought several bracelets in the same shop and just gave them out to whoever he fancied at the moment. Not even the slightest effort.

“How sweet”, you force yourself to say in the happiest tone you can manage.

“So what’s going on in your life?”, she continues the conversation, “I just realized that I barely know anything about you, even though we’ve known each other since year one”

You almost want to say “trust me, you don’t want to know what’s going on in my life”. Instead you say “nothing much, I’ve been thinking about maybe trying out for the quidditch team”

“Oh how cool, I’ve seen you fly in class, you totally should try out. You know during the last game between Slytherin and Gryffindor Blaise did this really funny thing where…”

What Blaise did, you’ll never know because you tuned out. But what you do know now is that Pansy is actually an incredibly nice person. In just five minutes she has shown you support, complimented you and began talking to you like you were her new friend. Perhaps she thought you could be friends. After the lesson ended, you felt almost carefree. You guys barely got any work done, but instead gossiped about anything that came to mind. Time practically passed away in seconds, and you were just hugging Pansy goodbye before going separate ways. Nothing felt weird at all until…

As you’re about to pull away from the hug, you catch Theo staring intensely from the corner of your eye. Was he suspecting something? Truth be told, you could’ve inquired more about his and Pansy’s relationship, but you decided to not be nosy. The less you knew, the better.

Later on, after you spent hours feeling like an empty shell of a human being, you slouch to your dinner table. During the day your thoughts felt like a huge, untieable knot, so you decided to ignore everything. When all classes ended, you immediately hopped into bed, rolling around, slowly rotting. Feeling nothing was better than thinking too much. There was simply too much. There was the question of whether you were a terrible human being, wondering if you should completely rebrand yourself, thinking about what Theo would do and about how it would affect Pansy, and so much more. In the end, nothing would be answered by just thinking about it.

Even while eating dinner, you have to restrain yourself from letting your most inner thoughts wander. Though, Pansy sure added fuel to the fire by smiling at you. Genuinely flashing you the purest, brightest smile. For no reason at all. Just to be nice probably. Instead of smiling back like a normal human being, you almost choke on your water.

This was it. You couldn’t pretend to be unbothered. You had to end it. You hated that option because it meant that Theo could escape from his responsibility, but it also meant that you could redeem yourself. Right? After all, you also carried some of that responsibility.

To contact Theo, you wrote “meet me at astronomy tower, important!” on a small piece of paper and slipped it into his hand after dinner was over. Hopefully no one saw that transaction. Since everyone always pushed another, it was only natural to bump into someone and touch their hand or arm.

Halfway on your way to the tower, you question if all this had been a huge mistake. Would you even have the guts to do what you had set out to do ? Theo could be so goddamn persuasive sometimes.

On your last few steps you lose a bit of balance and barely make it to the balcony, feeling like you would collapse any time soon. It even takes you a second to realize that Theo was already there. Before he turned around you just thought that it was some random guy.

“How were you faster than me”, you huff completely out of breath.

“I have my ways”, he says. “So why’d you want to meet me here”, he asks, seeming disturbingly nonchalant. As if he couldn’t guess the possible reasons.

“I want this to be as quick and painless as possible”, you begin. You gain an eyebrow raise from the otherwise collected looking guy.

“Let’s just officially end this. You and me. We are officially over.”

You were pretty sure that you didn’t sound as confident as you wish you had, but nonetheless you had done it. Officially calling the breaks would be your ticket to a normal life again. Whew did that feel freeing. But this wasn’t fully over yet.

“I thought it was up to me”, Theo sounded agitated now.

“Well i changed my mind”

“That’s not fai-“

“Seriously, Theo, you want to talk about fair ?”

“So what if i told you that I would’ve chosen you over Pansy”, he tells you while throwing his arms around. “You just want to give up like a coward?”, he spits at you, blowing up in anger and disbelief. His widening eyes and clenching jaw told you were enough to convince you that he was full on serious.

Is that what you were doing? Giving up on something genuine? You never thought about it in that way. Sure, your connection to Theo was undeniably strong, but were you ready for actual commitment?

“You don’t get to say that”, you defensively say as you take a step back. He immediately gets in your face again.

With tears forming in your eyes, threatening to spill out, and quivering lips, you try your best to curve your mouth upward and take your last stand.

“I am not giving up. We never had anything to begin with because you were a coward.”

He steps even closer, his nose touching yours. His dead brown eyes looked hauntingly beautiful in the moment. “But don’t you see, I want to give us a try”

“I CAN’T DO THIS THEO”, you yell in his face, not caring that your tears streamed down your face. All that bottled up anger came down to this. “WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND, THERE IS NO US.” Just as you say that, you frantically tear off his gifted silver bracelet and throw it in his face. “We’re done Theodore” are your last words before storming off.

When you notice him following, you run even faster, yelling “STOP FOLLOWING ME FOR FUCKS SAKE”. Eventually you stop hearing his footsteps, and you allow yourself to break down in an empty corridor. You keep muttering “it’s for the best” as a way of reassurance, but you don’t even know if that’s true anymore.

That night you went to sleep, wanting nothing but to drown out everything. Instead you got a fucking nightmare about the entire events at the astronomy tower. Only, you were watching from the third person point of view this time.

Luckily, as you wake up, you realize that it was a Saturday, so you could be in peace a little longer. Apparently you also woke up pretty late because you were alone in the dorm. Great, your “friends” didn’t even bother pretending to include you. It was always like that. They were nice to your face, but actively excluded you. What was it about you that alienated you from everyone?

*BANG*

HOLY FUCK.

You suddenly jolt up and watch Pansy come through the door. She looked furious and extremely messy. You notice her heavy eye bags and smeared mascara.

“YOU WANT TO TELL ME WHY THE FUCK YOUR BRACELET WAS ON THEOS NIGHTSTAND?!?”, she shouts, probably loud enough for everyone in Gryffindor to hear.

“What are you talking ab-” It was mid sentence when you realize that you in fact threw your bracelet in Theo’s face yesterday and that Pansy recognised it from McGonagall's class.

There was no point in lying. “Pansy please I can explain”, you desperately choke out, feeling a knot in your throat.

“Fuck you. I actually liked you, but i guess you are just another snake”

Before you can actually explain yourself, she already left. All by yourself, you begin to sob. Perhaps your “friends” were right in excluding you. You wouldn’t even want to be friends with yourself.

This mess you were in— what if you never went to that party where you met Theo? But that wasn’t even the most important part. You had to find a way to make it up to Pansy.

Argh this is it…for now ? So if you read the deleted original fic “Baby”, you will recognise the first part, but not the rest. I asked if you wanted a pt.2, but then i realised i could just make all of it into one, longer part. I really really hope you found this if you read “Baby”. And who knows maybe this storyline will continue.

Also thank you for the people who commented, i tagged y’all (except for two i couldn’t find), so you could find this more easily. @onyxwingsandcrowblackdreams @princessofsilverandserpents @pumpkinchee @laur20a23 @ladyblablabla @the-mrs-malik-styles @boomdolle @mmeskywalker

[moxiemozze]

BroZone designs + trollsona doodle

Some Headcanons vvv :D

John Dory:

• he’s aroace

• he should be grey but is basically repressing his depression so he has grey splotches in some areas, he tries to keep it hidden from his brothers but he also doesn’t like seeing it

•tells a different story every time you ask about a scar you never know which one is real

•got his first grey hair at 15 because of stress and got two more when he was 17 a week before the band broke up

• #1 OCD haver

•ambidextrous

•thought all his brothers were dead

Bruce:

•transgender, he thought he was a lesbian for a while, turns out he likes girls but not when he’s one

•him and brandy are t4t

• Beach Rock and Pop, like Elvis style music I forget the name

•I know his kids have canon names but I think he named them after drinks besides Bruce Jr.

•used to be a terrible cook

•Bruce has a tail but it’s very short and hidden by his hair

Clay:

•Aromantic

•he’s in a platonic relationship with Viva

•he has a huge scar on his chest from the burgen escape but hides it with his sweater romper

•has had a cataracts since birth (just like me fr) and had these huge nerd glasses as a kid but didn’t wear them anymore once the band got popular

Floyd:

•MLM and trans

•PopPunk

•Saw JD at a bar once in his early 20’s, blinked and he was gone. He didn’t drink for the rest of the night

•has gone grey multiple times, but because he wasn’t grey as long as Branch his mood doesn’t affect his colors but it did affect his ears

•has severe joint pain in his wrist and his leg, needs a cane to walk around on good days

• has the same hair texture as Clay but straightens it

•says he thinks his hair is cool now

Branch:

•transgender and bi

•Pop but loves every style of music

•looks the most like his mom

•didn’t take care of his hair when grey had to learn how to take care of it with Poppy

•he did his top surgery himself and that’s why it looks so botched

•he had a crush on creek for about a week then decided to hate him after seeing him being his typical asshole self

•has so many nicknames from poppy and his brothers, his secret favorite is twig

Branch color variants

I almost forgot to add the obligatory creek hate photo

[redeliminator]

Well, they did NOT survive their teenage codependent homoerotic friendship

I have the priviledge of being an adult and being able to look back on my teenage years happy that I made it out. It wasn't easy and I had my fair share of pretty dark experiences, so I've been thinking A LOT what would have happened to me if I had found myself in a position like Andre when I was 17. So I wrote it down - the story of Andre and Cal's relationship from (mostly) Andre's POV and the whole emotional turmoil of ending your life alongside your best friend. All with a couple of not-so-subtle personal throw-ins. It's a mess and a long one on top of that, I'm sorry ;__;

—

After years of living with all these thoughts you’re too scared to open up about, suddenly it turns out that your (only) lifelong friend is actually not that different. Not only doesn’t he flinch at your uncanny remarks; he actually thinks they’re spot-on and laughs at your jokes that would probably send you straight into detention.

So far, the more people learnt about you, the more they drifted away. Suddenly, it doesn’t happen. Quite the contrary, the messed up things seem to strengthen the bond instead. For the first time, someone welcomes you into their inner life just the way you are and doesn’t expect you to “mend your ways” before they let you in. You gradually uncover the parts of yourself you have never shown to anyone before. It feels like the weight of the world is lifted off your shoulders. Like it was destined to happen. It feels real.

It is not at all surprising that in the end, you brought out the worst in each other. After all, your final bond was built on the acceptance of the darkest parts of your personalities. You fed off each other to the point of lethal codependency. You were nothing without him and he was nothing without you.

It was insane. But you felt validated. Starving for someone who understands, you clung to each other and never let go.

So, when you’re standing in that library, guns slung over your shoulders and blood spilling beneath your feet, and that guy, who led you out of that lonely misery and gave your life a spark, tells you that you’re done - well, you’re done. You’d follow him anywhere because what other choice do you have? You killed people. You’re not getting away on your own. You’re not doing it without him. It’s either both of you or none of you. So you agree.

But deep inside, you know there’s so much left to say. The world is wide enough for the two of you, why wouldn’t you want to explore it? We had a plan, we were supposed to last. All of that is suddenly cut short. Just like the lives you’ve just taken. What an irony.

And suddenly you wish you had never left that car. Or that you had swerved it just before pulling into the parking lot. What the fuck are you doing?! That’s when it should have been said: I’m done. You’re done. We’re done.

You never figured out if it was platonic or romantic. You probably didn’t even know what platonic meant. But there was one thing you had no doubt about: that loving him was the easiest thing in the world.

… until it wasn’t. 

That love tripped you up just when everything you thought you wanted was only a few inches away. Suddenly, it felt like jumping into a lake only to realize that concrete bricks have been tied to your feet.

You might have been done with the revenge, but you weren’t done loving him. In fact, you barely even started. You never even fully acknowledged it. You repressed it, scared of and confused about the intricacies of your own identity and feelings.

But what are you supposed to do about it now? Where will all that love go, if you refuse to go down together? Do you even have a choice at all? You won’t make it on your own. The only choice you have is whose hand will fire the shot that will end it all. There is no “if”.

It’s pretty safe to say that you agreeing to a double suicide is a spur-of-the-moment decision. No one would think clearly when faced with this kind of choice under such circumstances. You have just taken more than a dozen innocent lives. If they catch you, it’s game over. It’s a pathetic failure.

You were supposed to escape in a blaze of glory: a getaway car, a police chase, a rain of bullets fired towards you as you take one last look in the rearview mirror knowing you’re never gonna see this town again. You’ve turned the place that destroyed you into smoldering ruins and now you kiss it goodbye. It doesn’t get better than this.

But it’s not what happens. Suddenly, as you look around the room and glance over the dead bodies, you realize the thrill is gone. The excitement has vanished into thin air. The only thing you’re hearing are police sirens and people whimpering in pain. The reality of what you’ve done and what awaits you comes crashing down on you. It’s not glorious. It’s not rewarding. It’s bleak and hopeless. It’s a dead end.

—

Andre had to tone down Cal's carelessness during the preparations. No, we’re not gonna break into Brad’s garage and risk being spotted. No, your open mic poetry evening was not a fun idea; it was inconsiderate and dangerous. No, even if we had an M-80, we wouldn’t use it for a ceremonial explosion at my family’s vacation home where everyone could see it. 

And suddenly, as they’re wandering through the school looking at the carnage they caused, the roles get reversed. It’s Cal who has to lead Andre into the grim reality. 

We’re not making it out. We can still leave on our terms though. It’s your call.

The question is, did Cal really believe they didn’t stand a chance or did he use the circumstances to get what he wanted: for both of them to die?

If Andre didn’t agree, would Cal have the guts to shoot him himself? I don’t think he would. There was only one way Cal wanted it to end. I think Cal may have had some sort of feelings for Andre, but, in a fashion similar to Andre, he didn’t know exactly what these feelings were as he never got around to disentangling them. Cal was mentally ill, heavily unstable and out of touch with reality, but I think deep inside he still had the ability to feel. He could barely connect with that part of him, but it was still there. And Andre kept it alive because he did something no one else would ever do for Cal. He provided Cal with the means to die the way he wanted. A spectacular way out. 

And Cal would be forever grateful for that, even if that “forever” would come to an end in just a matter of seconds. How do you even thank someone for a favor like this? Thanks for letting me die, even though you didn’t know I planned it? How do you find someone who you don’t even have to ask for it? Hey, what would you say if we killed a bunch of people to send some twisted message that only we understand and then we blew our brains out? 

The thing is, none of them had to ask. The idea was already there. Maybe except for the “blowing our brains out” part. In any case, this is a one in a million chance that you find someone like this.

[littlecrittereli]

Hello, me again, your Guardianship AU has latched onto my brain and won’t let go so I have more questions

First, how much does Chris know about the CPS hounding Martin? Does he understand that there’s a real possibility he could be removed from his brother’s custody? In the comic you made, when they were younger, Chris was pretty oblivious about it all (mostly cause Martin didn’t wanna worry him and didn’t tell him any details) but now that he’s a bit older, has he picked up on certain things? ‘Cause you’ve also mentioned that the AU has decent resemblance to Lilo & Stitch, but in that movie Lilo seems very aware of their situation which isn’t the case for Martin and Chris, especially because Martin’s personality is pretty opposite to Nani.

Second, and I totally get it if you don’t know, I’m just an over-thinker, but how would the parents have died in your AU? Because I can see the cause of death being pretty traumatizing depending on what it is, especially for Martin who was old enough to understand what was going on followed by the responsibility of raising his younger brother who is basically the only family he has left. Maybe even for Chris, though as you mention he was too young and doesn’t remember them much anymore.

Once again, love your AUs, Guardianship AU is clearly my favorite but I’m a sucker for sibling dynamics, especially the trope “brothers-against-the-world”.

Chris is definitely more aware of Child Protective Services than he was when he was a kid. They aren’t AS much of a threat anymore which is why Chris isn’t really worried about them. Martin has custody of him, and he just gets evaluated every so often to make sure he’s taking care of Chris and providing him a healthy and stable environment. (CPS is very concerned about chris traveling in the Tortuga but mostly leave them alone now) Martin definitely gets hella stressed when these evaluations come along, but he’s been doing this dance with CPS for so long by that point he’s not as worried. When he was 17, and freshly emancipated he was fightin for his life in those courtrooms 💀

Chris knows about it now, but in his eyes, Martin is the best guardian ever? He cannot fathom the idea of Martin being an “unfit guardian” so he can’t even imagine a situation where CPS would have a reason to take him. Which is also a small point of tension for them? Because on one hand Martin is glad his brother isn’t worried and trusts him, but also feels frustrated by Chris not taking it seriously or understanding the weight of it like he does.

But Chris is honestly more worried about Martin getting sick of having to drag him around and giving up custody of him. But those are repressed emotions to unpack for another day.

And I don’t actually have a reassonnn for the parents death yet. In the hypothetical fanfiction that I have not written yet, I don’t want to explicitly state it. Its something they dont like to talk about. And they probably get really nervous/jittery around any subjects related to the cause. I’m leaning more towards something like a car accident. Something that could happen to anyone, but also very tragic. It’s technically not decided for sure though! So im open to any suggestions at the moment.

[emotionallychargedtowel]

That post about Higuchi Kouhei and his cat got me thinking about some other tokusatsu-to-BL pipeline actors that are on current or recent BLs, so I thought I'd do a screenshot post about Kamen Rider Revice, a recent toku series that features two lead actors who star in current BLs, plus an actor in a smaller role who was part of a side couple in a BL series that recently completed a second season.

The main character of Revice is Igarashi Ikki, played by Maeda Kentaro, currently playing Ohara Yamato in I Can't Reach You. His siblings are very central to the story as well--by the end of the series, the story is centered around his whole family. Ikki's younger brother Daiji is played by Hyuga Wataru, currently playing Yamasuge Ryuiji in If It's With You.

Here they are having a bath in the opening credits for the show (the Igarashi family runs a public bath house).

I should say at the outset that I can't entirely recommend Revice, especially to folks who don't already have some tokusatsu-watching under their belts. It's a hot mess in a lot of ways. But it does have some really outstanding highlights. The best aspects of the series, in my book, were:

Kagerou (Daiji's demonic alter ego),

George Karizaki (my beloved),

Igarashi Sakura/Kamen Rider Jeanne (the most formidable female Rider I've seen in any series in the franchise), and

the relationship between Sakura and Natsuki Hana (a rare example of a convincing Sapphic ship in a franchise well known for "heated drama between men").

I'm not going to get into 2 and 3 here, as tempting as that would be, but I'll include as much of 4 as time/space permits.

It might seem weird that I'm not recommending a series with some of my favorite characters in the entire Kamen Rider franchise AND a relationship between girls that is a hair's breadth from being canonically queer. It's just too much of a trainwreck to endorse as a whole. But as I said, the highlights are really something.

One of the biggest issues I had with Revice was that Ikki, the protagonist, just isn't a very compelling character. As a result I don't think Maeda Kentaro really got to show the range of his acting abilities in this series. (This just makes me more curious to see him in ICRY. From the excerpts I've seen so far, it seems like he shows a really different side of himself.)

Maeda appreciators might still enjoy the many determined faces and creepy smiles he gets to dish out in this series. Here's a sampling.

It's possible they'll want to look away when he starts doing things like this, though.

Fans of both Maeda and Hyuga might enjoy some of their scenes fighting side by side, including doing their various henshin poses (the moves they do before they transform into their masked Rider forms).

Or when they do things like this bonkers flying kick.

Thankfully, Daiji is a more interesting character than Ikki, so Revice gave Hyuga some more challenging things to do. I thought Hyuga also just really made the most of every opportunity the show presented to him. He was seriously impressive. This is the reason I was sold on IIWY the moment I saw the announcement about it based solely on Hyuga's involvement.

Here's a sampling of Hyuga as Daiji.

In addition to playing Daiji, Hyuga also played Kagerou, Daiji's aforementioned demonic alter ego. Kagerou was formed from thoughts and emotions that Daiji repressed. The biggest of these was his resentment toward Ikki. But apparently Daiji had also been repressing a desire to be a somewhat gender non-conforming goth, because that's Kagerou's other raison d'etre.

In some ways, it's hard to imagine a character more different from Ryuji. If they have anything in common, it's the fact that they both place a high value on honesty.

One other thing that's worth noting about Hyuga's work on Revice is that he was only 17 when the show premiered. He showed major dramatic range in this part, not only playing two very different characters but doing everything from low-key nuanced scenes to bombastic high drama. Not to mention the stunts! Doing all of this at 17 is seriously remarkable.

Now for our bonus dude! There's a secret evil-fighting organization called Weekend that secretly keeps tabs on the Igarashi family for years before coming out of hiding to join the big central battle of the series. One of the Weekend operatives is Ushijima Hikaru.

Look familiar? Maybe not, he didn't make faces like this on his BL series.

How about now? Yep, it's Oku Tomoya, who plays Hanabusa Asuka on both seasons of Minato Shouji Coin Laundry.

Oku has some big scenes and interesting moments in Revice. He does some romantic pining, goes through big-time loss, does quite a bit of martial-arts sparring, gets seriously injured, and more. He even gets to henshin a few times. Here he is getting ready to do just that with Sakura and Hana. Those Weekend uniforms are pretty hardcore in a 70s flight attendant sort of way, but I feel like Oku really sells it here.

While we're on the subject of Sakura and Hana, I feel like I can't mention their relationship without including some moments where their story came particularly close to tipping into full-on yuri.

If you're going to do an enemies-to-lovers story, why not make them full-on superhero nemeses?

The word "date" might not technically get used by the characters, but there's no mistaking that the amusement park hangout Sakura invites Hana on--while she is still a fully-functioning bad guy, I might add--is definitely a date.

Most of the time when a Rider beats their nemesis for the final time they don't hold each other tenderly in the sunset.

By the end of the series, they're in a big tub together at the Igarashi's bath house.

There are tons more examples but you get the idea. If this isn't borderline-yuri I don't know what is.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

🦐 to recognize my post

Am I the asshole for asking my grandmother if I can move in with her?

This’ll be one of your classic reddit-style family dramas, I think. Back in late 2019 just before COVID, I (freshly 18 at the time) had run away from home with my mom and moved in with my best friend (R, 17 in 2019) and her (60s, deeply depressed) dad. Her dad and I were on good terms for a long time, but respectfully, he has a tendency to repress any issues he has with someone until they build into a bigger issue. Near toward November of 2020, he kicked me out on account of ‘not keeping a job and not doing anything around the house’ (I washed stagnant dishes often, took care of their several animals, and took out trash whenever I could, R and I think he was projecting his shitty roommates from when he was 20 onto me), so I needed a new place to move.

My own beloved father lives ten hours away, and offered for me to live with him. For months, I was preparing to pick up my entire life from the hometown I had lived in since I was 2 years old to move to a new state, and in the last month, I got cold feet and said I couldn’t make such a large change like that. My dad completely understood, and I went to look for a new place to stay, still living with R and her dad at this time.

During this period, I was getting closer with my grandmother on my mom’s side again. She was one of the few family members I felt comfortable with, and we often went to Panera for lunch dates to catch up on things. I won’t go super deep into why I’m so anxious about the rest of the family, because that would require an entire several page google document to explain (especially now that we’re actively banned from holidays).

It was around this time I asked my grandmother if I could move into one of her five or six spare rooms upstairs. My grandfather had died in the last couple of months, and I was confident that if she needed any help (she’s in her mid eighties) moving things upstairs or cleaning the house, I would be beyond glad to do it for her. She then hesitated and said it may be a better idea for me to move in with my dad after all (which was odd, because she hates my dad’s guts, as does the rest of my family), and I let it go after that. I didn’t push, I would just need to find a new place. 

Well, word got around, and she told my aunts and older cousins in passing. I don’t remember if I got sent anything in specific, but one of my aunts (mother’s older sister who I'm genuinely terrified of) absolutely fucking exploded on my (54 at the time) mom, giving her a several paragraph long shitstorm of a message saying she was a terrible mother for letting me take advantage of my grandmother, calling her horrible things, slurs, and insulting her wife, and it got back to me somehow. I was fucking shredded apart emotionally.

Since then, I have moved back in with my mother out of necessity and we have totally reconciled our relationship in the three or so years I’ve been home, and my entire mother’s side of the family- aside from my grandmother- has completely cut contact and don’t invite us to holidays anymore, for significantly more ridiculous reasons than me asking my grandmother what I did.

My mother’s side of the family ostracized her, myself, and my sister since my mother first married my dad 25ish years ago, and has just never treated her the same since, which explains some of the hostility (I want to specify, I’m confident that my mother did nothing outright wrong for this, my family is extremely far-right and EXTREMELY judgemental, and my mom bore unnecessary vitrol for everything she went through), but I need to know if I was actually the asshole for asking to move in with my grandmother, who even now still cares about me as family and lives alone. I could give less of a shit what my aunt thinks now (she lives an entire day’s drive away, in a different state as well), but I can’t help but shake the fear that I was actually taking advantage of her kindness or something of the sort. Was this a wrong thing to ask? Was this actually too much, and should I not have bothered?

What are these acronyms?

[necroromantics]

TicciWork headcanons

Poorly formatted cuz this is a ramble, enjoy

- Neither of them would admit they liked each other

- Clockwork is way too repressed, and Toby is way too prideful

- At first, their relationship revolved around Clockwork getting annoyed and pushing Toby away, and Toby finding it fun to piss her off. Or just them bantering and teasing each other

- It'd eventually reach a point where nobody knew if they were fighting or flirting

- Toby grew up with feminine, doormat type women. He grew up watching his mother let herself be a victim towards his father, and never taking charge to leave him

- So when he met Clockwork, a loud-mouthed girl who takes no shit, it was like a breath of fresh air

- He has a hard time connecting with people who don't stand up for themselves or are sensitive, because it brings back a deepseated anger in him from watching his family fall victim to abuse without anything changing for 17 years

- He admires Clockworks strength more than anything. Toby thinks she's the coolest girl ever

- On the otherhand, Clockwork grew up in a house full of loud men with fragile egos. And most importantly, she grew up with people who never gave her the time of day

- She was always left on her own. She was always shamed for who she was, the things she made. She was alone, and angry at the world

- But then she met another loud man with a fragile ego, one who made it a game to invade her space, ask invasive questions about her eye, her scars, her art

- Toby pissed Clockwork off to no ends. But she liked having someone around who was funny and warm

- Someone who was as angry at the world as she was. Someone who fought like she did. Someone who understood

- It was pretty easy for the two to become friends. They were both witty, liked to banter. Toby was annoying, but Clockwork found it endearingly insufferable

- She liked that when she pushed the world away, there that boy would be pushing right back

- Toby and Clockwork spent a lot of time together. They spent a lot of long nights and cigarettes together

- They had their fights, and they had their issues, and they were a mirror image of each other, to the point it'd hurt sometimes

- But even when Clockwork stormed out, or told Toby to never talk to her again, or when Toby would tell Clockwork nothing was going to get better. Despite it all, it still hurt more when they left

- There was a red string binding them, and fate was as stubborn as those two were. Toby never left her side, Clockwork slowly learned how to open up to him

- They healed and grew together. Even in a rotten world, they had each other. They were partners in crime

- And even though they'd never admit it, maybe once in drunken desperation, everybody knew they loved each other more than life itself

- Everybody could see it but them

[according2thelore]

So I had a thought to make an AU off your es/ls AU! And my thought was what if the early season Sam and Dean that visit late season Sam and Dean were from different timelines? In that everything is the same except for the boys relationship!

For example the es!boys got together when Sam was about 17. But he still ends up leaving for Stanford. And then they rekindle at some point in S1.

However the ls!boys are living in a timeline where it’s NEVER happened. They’ve just been in a state of weirdcest a la the show, this whole time.

And so instead of ls!brothers working to hide it from their younger selves, it’s something they stumble upon instead and hoooo boy does it cause problems. The es!boys don’t try and hide it beyond how they normally function bc at first they all think they are from the exact same timeline. So they aren’t worried about ls!boys seeing them they just are used to keeping it close.

I imagine ls Sam and Dean finding out separately and they don’t tell each other at first bc they’re freaking out. Something they’ve never done but these two have and what does that MEAN!? The repression was strong with them both and now the foundation has cracked and suddenly there’s this bubbling tension between them again, just like when they were teens, before Sam left.

Finally Sam admits he has to discuss it with Dean bc this means that they are NOT their past selves. They are from a divergent reality that is otherwise is very similar. And sooooo they aren’t only time traveling they are reality traveling and oh lord that must be harder to fix!

And discuss!! :D

GASP your MIND!!!!!!

let's discuss!

"hey guys, i--" sam slams the door closed. holy shit. holy shit.

he had opened the door to their younger selves' shared room, and sam was--on top, of dean. on top of him. and they were--they were--

the door cracks open. sam stands there, looking embarrassed.

"hey. sorry." he snorts. "you know how it is."

"no, i do NOT!" sam says, flinching when he realizes his voice is almost a shout. he lowers his voice, checking around the hallway. luckily, he's the only person there. "i do not." he repeats.

younger sam blinks at him.

"you...don't?" his jaw sets, and his eyes narrow. "did he...leave us? is there someone else? what did we do?"

sam balks.

what a little asshole. first, younger sam makes out with his brother and--and--blames older sam for not actively kissing his own?? what the fuck? sam's the problem? what a dick.

but honestly...fair. if anyone was going to mess it up, it would be sam.

~~~

dean hauls his younger self off of sam bodily, dragging him into the hallway and shoving him against cinderblock.

"okay what the fuck--" he starts to shout, but younger sam runs out into the hallway after them. dean thinks he's coming to get his own licks in, but sam is clawing at dean's hands, trying to get him off of dean's younger self.

dean thought he had just walked in on violation, but sam is cooing over dean and checking over him and...and--

"sammy, i'm okay." younger dean pants. "let him say what he needs to say, okay? i'll be fine."

sam backs up slowly, unwillingly, and steps back inside. dean immediately turns back to older dean, eyes wide.

"did he leave us? is there someone else? what did we do?"

dean gapes. what a fucking dick.

why did dean have to be the one to mess it up? first, the guy kisses his own brother and blames dean for not also kissing his brother? dick!

but honestly...fair. dean would be the one to mess it up.

~~~~

your idea is so JUICY because here are LS!Sam&Dean trying not to say anything to each other because what if they're grossed out? what if they think it's wrong? what if--worst possible scenario--they try to separate ES!Sam&Dean. LS!Sam and LS!Dean saw the looks in their eyes. those kids are gone and the adoration is so naked that it hurts to look at. they want it so damn bad.

so they don't say anything.

but at the same time, it eats them alive.

they want to know. they need to know.

LS!Dean corners ES!Dean in the weapons room and asks, "when did it start? who made the first move? who tops? what did it change? how long have you known?"

(to which the answers are: after dad died, sam, we switch, not a damn thing but everything for the better, and as long as you have.)

LS!Sam builds up his courage all afternoon (because it's not his business. but he wants to know. but it's invasive. but it's himself! but what if this messes up the timeline?) but finally leans across the table and asks, quietly, "how did you know it was mutual? how did you get over the...you know? why'd you start? who tops?"

(to which the answers are: as soon as he kissed me back and not a second before, incest? it's less of a big deal than i thought it was, honestly, i kissed him because i couldn't live another second without knowing what it was like (since he died. since we almost lost him. since he almost died in the car we were raised in. the only home we have.), and really dude? both.)

but finally, and especially if someone else is pitching in to help them solve it, LS!SamandDean have to reluctantly admit that they know certain aspects of their lives have changed.

something big. something about them, and their dynamic.

and now--they can barely look at each other in the eye!!! because every time dean looks at sam, he can only see the way his brows furrow when he's being kissed, like it hurts.

when LS!Sam looks at LS!Dean, he wants to know what his mouth tastes like, and he can only imagine what thing made ES!Dean fall in love with ES!Sam. it's easy to see why ES!Sam would fall in love with ES!Dean. he's charismatic and protective and dean. it makes sense. but ES!Sam??

and LS!Dean looks back at their lives and wonders how different it would be if things were different. if...they were different. did sam ever want to kiss him? why doesn't that disgust him?

but when it comes out, they can only blink at each other because they know!!!!

there's the immediate instinct to suggest they should give them separate rooms--just so it looks normal to the other LS!Brother, to show that they, too, are grossed out by it--but how can they?? how can they look into ES!Dean's eyes and tell him, before hell and michael and being a demon, that he can't be happy?? how can they tell ES!Sam, who's already struggling with fears of corruption and months away from being stabbed to death in a ghost town, that he has to die alone??

it's so fucked, and STILL!!!! LS!Boys step around each other awkwardly and avoid eye contact and dream about the shape of their brother's mouth!!!!! AGHHHHHH!!!!!

~~~~

GAHHHHHHH your brain is INSANE!!!! SO GOOD!!!!!!!! rotating this concept in my brain like a microwave. i'm OBSESSED!!!!!!!

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK!!!!! <3

-lizzy

[crushedsweets]

What do you think Toby’s relationship is with alcohol and stuff like smoke? You think he gets triggered like what if Tim were to smoke infront of him (pretty sure Frank smoked?) would he get triggered or something?

ooo ok ok. tw for mentions of abuse, alcoholism, etc under the cut

toby represses stuff very heavily. after about 3-4 years post-killing his dad, (so he'd be about 20+), he'd just not think about it. it's not that he's "healed" by any means, but he just think he has bigger things to worry about

he feels a bit more towards alcohol than cigarettes, and he'd get irritated with Anybody who drank ages 17-19. but, his mom would have a few glasses of wine every now and again, and it just relaxed her. she would just kinda sit in her chair and watch tv quietly. occasionally toby would find her weeping. so he knows that alcohol isn't like, strictly an agent of destruction and abuse and all things horrible (not that he thinks its good in any way)

if he knows someone is more of like, a goofy 'fun' drunk, or an emotional crying drunk, or immediately wanting to sleep, or anything along those lines - he doesn't really care. he drinks socially, though he never really gets further than being tipsy. he hasn't sworn it off or anything, he doesn't have that much self restraint

BUT if he notices that someone is more aggressive when they're drunk, even if it's just confrontational rather than violent, he gets irritated. often he'll egg them on and purposefully try to get into a fight with them, calling them sloppy and say they're embarrassing themselves and whatever. it's probably because thats the shit he'd NEVER get to say to frank without risking the entire family, and because he just wants their drinking to be as unpleasant as possible.

frank would smoke in the same damn armchair everyday and night, missing the ashtray half the time. so toby has an issue with people smoking indoors and being careless with cigarettes, he thinks it's ridiculous and dirty and whatnot. so he'll probably get aggravated and say something if someone is smoking indoors. BUT tim also thinks its gross smoking indoors, so he only does it outside - which toby's fine with. he gets pissed if he sees tim just leaving used cigarettes lying around

it's not so much that he'll be triggered in the sense of a flashback and begin crying and whatnot, but he'll get irritated if things fit into a certain memory or resemble franks aggression/carelessness. and he'll say something everytime, he's not the type to bite his tongue - especially now that he can defend himself

TLDR; he doesn't mind unless a drunk person gets aggressive or someone smokes indoors. he drinks socially at times. he doesn't smoke cigarettes.

[thealogie]

I'm sorry but I'm about to treat your ask box like a confessional.

You kind of deserve it, though, because due to your Sherlock rewatch posts I've been forced to remember that 1. Sherlock is a show that exists and 2. that I wrote Sherlock fanfic when I was 13... about SHERLOCK and MOLLY.

In my defence, I was a deeply deeply deeply repressed bisexual who hadn't realized it yet - so all of the obvious and insane gay stuff between Sherlock and John just completely sailed over my head. Also propaganda worked really well on me as a child - so basically I was the ideal viewer for Moftiss lol. There'd be scenes where people mistook Sherlock and John for a couple and I'd go 'huh that's kind of strange that keeps happening' but then it would be played off as a joke and I'd go 'oh yes of course, silly me! Gay people only exist as the punchline! Sherlock and John would NEVER be interested in each other that way. I can't believe anyone would ever think that haha.'

Flash forward to 2017. I'm 17 years old. I've kissed other women by now and have had my brain chemistry rewritten by copious amounts of slash fanfiction. Still young, but wiser to the ways of the world than I once was. The last time I watched Sherlock, I had been 14 years old. Sherlock season 4 airs. I watch it with my mom. It's so bad my brain immediately initiates a trauma response and wipes all memory of Sherlock away. This continues for years. The only times I remember Sherlock exists is whenever I joyfully watch hbomerguy's Sherlock Is Garbage video while I'm knitting or painting or something. Also whenever I have to type in a password for an account I made when I was 13 - because my go-to password was 'SHERLOCKED' back then, unfortunately.

Flash forward to now. I'm 24 years old. And I start seeing your posts about Sherlock. Like a sleeper agent, it awakens something in me. Yesterday, I spent a perfectly good Saturday - one I could have spent doing literally anything else - reading Johnlock fanfiction. I am suddenly re experiencing the show through new eyes, seeing all the queerbait I never did before. Getting hate-crimed on the daily. I'm thinking about Sherlock at work, at my adult fucking job. I'm watching scenes from the show on youtube in my office, quickly and guiltily clicking away whenever a coworker comes to chat. I am considering doing my own rewatch. I am realizing for the first time that John and Sherlock were literally in love. It's the only lens through which you can view the show and still have it be somewhat enjoyable. They literally put Mary in a wedding dress shooting Sherlock in his mind palace on TV. I feel like I'm having a religious experience, I feel like I'm insane, I feel like I'm 13 again. This is all vaguely November 5th-ish for me lol.

Anyway. I just thought you should know the impact your rewatch is having on the population. Sorry for the novel in your inbox. I've been desperately trying to find my old Sherlock x Molly fanfic to read for the lols but I think I deleted it off ffnet. I am both having the time of my life while also desperately hoping I forget Sherlock ever existed again soon. So, basically - thank you/curse you for this.

This is perhaps the best ask I’ve ever received?? I converted a sherlolly shipper in the year 2023? Listen I’d never wish a season 4 rewatch on anyone but I would highly recommend watching s1-2 and the wedding episode for a truly out of body experience. I felt more strongly about this show/ship than any other in my life and it was STILL worse than I remembered

[ro-is-struggling]

hello lovely!! i hope you are having a wonderful day. i was hoping for your 600 follower celebration if i could request prompt 17 from the part 1 list with james potter? where james is character B and has had feelings for the reader for a while? reader has always had some level of feelings for james but always repressed them and then the event happens and a lot of repressed feelings come to the surface with smut?

Hi beautiful💜 Thank you so much for participating! I really enjoyed working on this request even though I had a bit of a writer's block in the middle of it and I struggled with the ending a little :( I'm sorry if it's not as smutty as you wanted :( but I hope you like it!!

More Than Friends || James Potter x Reader

Summary: Looking to get back at your ex-boyfriend, you ask James to help you make him jealous. You thought he was the best choice for the job since he was your best friend —what could go wrong? However, things get out of control and old feelings come to the surface.

Warnings: friends to lovers, mutual pining, make out session, love confessions, fluff, implied smut

English is not my first language

Word count: 3400

You couldn't believe Mason had the audacity to do what he was doing. You guys had only been broken up for a few weeks and he was already walking the halls of Hogwarts with his new girlfriend by his side. You hated him. You hated him for moving on so fast. You hated him for the way he ignored you and acted like you never mattered to him, like you never existed. You hated him for replacing you with her so fast, taking her everywhere you used to go. You hated him for walking past you holding her, making you feel like you were worthless. His apathy made you feel like an idiot for being sad. Apparently you had been the only one who felt anything in that relationship, the only one who cared about the other.

"We can take care of him for you," James' voice next to you snapped you out of your thoughts, reluctantly looking away from your ex-boyfriend to look at your friends. "Just say the word and we'll make his life a living hell, right guys?" The rest of the marauders nodded enthusiastically, eagerly awaiting your approval so they could get revenge on the bastard who had hurt their friend. Sometimes you thought they wanted revenge more than you did.

It was sweet that they cared so much about you, but you didn't want any more trouble, and you knew that if you gave them permission to take care of the situation that would be all you'd end up getting. "Nah, it's fine. He is not worth your time" you said, even though part of you really wanted to see your ex-boyfriend suffer at the hands of your friends. But you didn't want to stoop down to his level, you didn't want to give him the satisfaction of letting him know that his indifference affected you, so you swallowed all your emotions and hid them under an expression of disdain.

However, by the time the weekend came around you were tired of being the bigger person. You wanted Mason to feel at least a quarter of what you felt watching him walk around the school with another girl as if you didn't exist. You wanted to provoke some reaction in him that would show you that you had meant something to him too, that you had been more than a pastime. You just didn't know how to do it, he seemed to have forgotten about your existence completely.

Then a crazy idea popped into your head. It was risky and a little silly, but at that moment you didn't care. All you wanted was to get back at your ex-boyfriend and there was nothing you weren't willing to do to get it. 

"I need your help to get back at Mason," was the first thing you said to James when you opened his bedroom door without even knocking first —there was no time for formalities.

"I thought you'd never ask!" he said with a smile. He always thought Mason was a jerk who didn't deserve you and the only reason he hadn't let him know that yet was because you wouldn't let him. "Let's go find the guys so we can start planning." 

James got up from his spot on the bed, but you motioned for him to sit back down, settling in next to him. "I only need you for what I have in mind."

"And what is it that you have in mind?" he asked both curious and confused.

"I-I want to make him jealous," you muttered nervously. You were about to ask too much of your best friend and you didn't quite know how to put it into words so as not to sound like a complete nut job. "I thought you could help me with that."

"How so?" James was intrigued, but part of him was sad. If you wanted to make Mason jealous it meant you still had feelings for him. You wanted his attention back and that crushed James' hopes completely. He was planning to confess how he really felt about you one of these days, but now he would have to keep his big secret to himself once again. 

"So... you know there's this party tomorrow, right?" you said trying to find the right words to explain your plan. James nodded slightly, noticing the way your fingers fiddled nervously with the hem of your skirt. "I thought we could go together and... umm... and act like we were into each other to make him jealous, you know."

It took James a few seconds to process your words. He was honestly surprised at your idea and he wondered how desperate you were to get Mason's attention. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" 

He couldn't help but ask you that question. His brain and heart were involved in an interesting debate about it and he needed to know your perspective before reaching a verdict. His brain was convinced it was a terrible idea that would only lead to confusion and awkward moments. The voice of reason in his head was screaming at him to refuse your request, to not let himself be persuaded by your sweet smile and tell you to find someone else to help you —he was pretty sure Sirius would have no problem with that.

But his heart that was stupidly and completely in love with you kept telling him to take advantage of the situation. Holding you close and kissing you for one night was better than never doing it, even if it was all an act to get another guy to pay attention to you. Maybe that would be the only chance to call you his that he would ever get so he couldn't say no to it, right?

"I thought about it and I wouldn't be asking you if I didn't think it could work," you assured him with a warm smile, hoping to inspire some sort of reassurance in him. 

"Don't you think it could be weird?" James insisted, wanting to make sure you had really thought things through. 

"No, I mean, I trust you. You're my best friend, Jamie." The use of the affectionate nickname made James' heart melt in his chest, leaving him a little stupid for a few seconds. He loved it when you called him that. "It has to be you. There's no one I trust more… Besides, Mason was always a little jealous of you, so it's perfect."

James wasn't as convinced as you were that it was a good idea. He was afraid of the feelings that might surface in him when he held you against his body, when he felt your lips on his skin. If you were to kiss him he wasn't sure he would be able to control his heart. But at the same time the idea of finally having the chance to know how your lips would feel against his was tempting him. Maybe spending a lifetime of agony and suffering missing the soft caresses of your mouth was better than spending a lifetime of doubts and regrets, wondering every day what it would feel like to kiss you.

"C'mon, James! Pleaseee" you begged him with a pout, your eyes full of anticipation. "You said you'd do anything, please."

He couldn't resist your charms and ended up agreeing without even knowing the details of your plan. Something he would regret in the not too distant future.

The plan was simple. You would arrive at the party together, spend the night dancing and "flirting" with each other and at some point disappear to the dorms, always making sure Mason saw everything. You hoped that the implication of what would happen would be enough to spark some sort of reaction in him, but in case it wasn't you had an ace up your sleeve. 

It had taken a bit of convincing to get James to agree to the final part of your plan: you needed him to give you hickeys all over your neck, a visible mark that you hoped would make Mason's blood boil.

The party started early in the Gryffindor common room, filling the tower with students from all houses looking to unwind from the stress and pressure of the week. You didn't come down from the dorms until your best friend and roommate confirmed that Mason was already there. Then you made your grand entrance, taking just a couple of seconds to search the crowd for your ex-boyfriend before running into James' arms, who was hanging out with his friends standing directly in front of Mason. 

"Thank you for doing this," you thanked him again, whispering in his ear after giving him a kiss on the cheek.

James smiled, wrapping his arm around your waist to pull you close against him, holding you tight against his chest as his nose got lost in the scent of your hair. "Don't mention it," he murmured, his breath colliding against your ear awakening a shiver that ran down your spine. You had to admit that his proximity left you feeling a little stupid, your brain struggling to comprehend what the tingling that slowly spread throughout your body meant. 

Things only got worse from that point on. Your thirst for revenge was completely forgotten as you danced with James on the makeshift dance floor. Your eyes met Mason's a couple of times, but you weren't able to pay attention to him for more than two seconds, losing yourself completely in the explosive combination that turned out to be the sensual rhythm of the music and the warmth of James' body pressed against yours. He was all that occupied your mind.

James' hands on your body aroused a strange but pleasurable sensation. You weren't doing anything new, as the best friends you two were, you had danced together many times, but this time it felt different. There was a strange tension in the air that hung over you and grew more and more overwhelming with each passing second. You didn't know if James could feel it too, but you could and it was making it hard to breathe. You wanted to run out of there, to get away from James until you could catch your breath —and regain your sanity—, but you hated the idea of being separated from his warmth, of no longer feeling his hands on your hips, so you stayed close to him. You had no idea what it was that had awakened such a reaction in you, but you didn't want James to leave your side ever again. 

"He's looking right at us, if we go now he'll definitely know about us." James' voice snapped you out of your thoughts, forcing you back to reality. You remembered then why you were doing what you were doing, feeling a bit embarrassed for letting yourself get carried away like that. 

But you were there to put on a show, so you stood on your tiptoes to reach James' ear, grabbing his shoulders to keep your balance. "Let's go then," you whispered in his ear, your lips lingering over the area longer than necessary as you fought the urge to playfully bite his earlobe. What was happening to you?

You disappeared down the stairs amidst playful giggles, heading towards James' bedroom to hide for a while. The further away from the music and the warmth of the people dancing around you two you got, the more you questioned what had happened —and what you were about to do. When this idea occurred to you, you didn't think there was anything wrong with it, but now you weren't so sure. The feelings he had awakened in you with a simple touch were not normal, not for a pair of friends at least. Was it possible that you still had feelings for him? You'd had a little crush on James the first two years at Hogwarts, but after years of watching him run after Lily you thought you'd gotten over it. You had accepted that you were just friends and that was all you would be for a long time, or so you thought.

“You still want to do this?” James asked you when you got to his room. He noticed the change in your demeanor right away —he knew you too well not to. You were distracted and he even dared to say a little tense, so he wanted to make sure you were both on the same page. He was dying to feel the soft skin of your neck under his lips, but he wouldn't do anything you didn't want him to. "I don't think it's necessary, I mean have you seen his face? I think he got the message."

"I want to do it," you were quick to reply —maybe a little too quick. You still wanted to go through with your plan, though perhaps not for the same reasons as before. "Just to make sure this works, you know," you added, a little embarrassed by the determination in your voice. The last thing you needed at that moment was James finding out that you were desperate to feel his lips on your neck.

"Fine," he said, sitting down on the edge of the bed next to you. "So, how do you want to do this?"

It was awkward at first as you settled into a position that would allow you to be comfortable. Part of you wanted to jump on his lap and let James do whatever he wanted with you, but you knew that wasn't appropriate so you settled for getting as close as you could to him, throwing your head back to grant him better access to your neck. Your whole body tingled with anticipation as James prepared himself, his fingers lightly tracing your skin as he brushed your hair away from your shoulder. You stopped breathing for a moment, your muscles tensing with nerves. 

When James' warm breath hit the sensitive skin of your neck you instinctively closed your eyes. Your fingers tightened around the fabric of the comforter that covered the bed as you struggled to stay still, fearing that any reaction would expose the feelings that were bubbling up inside of you. The anticipation was killing you. Time seemed to slow down, trapping you in the torture that was feeling the warmth of James' body next to yours but not his lips. When the tip of his nose brushed against your skin you had to bite your tongue to keep from letting out a desperate sigh, tightening your grip on the comforter to contain the urge you had to take his face in your hands and close the distance between you.

And then you felt it. 

His soft lips made contact with the skin of your neck, placing a quick, experimental kiss. It was nothing special, just a simple kiss to test the waters, but that alone had you biting your tongue to keep from letting out a sigh. When he saw that you didn't back away he doubled down, sucking lightly on your skin to start creating the first marks.

You forgot about the world around you after that —your ex-boyfriend, the party, the weird feelings that had plagued your mind all night. The only thing that mattered to you at that moment were James' lips and the delicate but passionate way in which they caressed your skin. His nose tickled your neck as he trailed his wet kisses down your skin, kissing and sucking until he left reddish marks that would only get worse with time. Every movement of his tongue on your skin awakened a wave of arousal inside you that went straight to your core. Pleasure quickly clouded your mind, keeping you from doing anything but enjoying the moment, surrendering under James' lips as you pressed your legs together in search of some friction that would ease the throbbing between your legs.

James also stopped caring about the world around him, letting himself get lost in the fantasy that you were his and he was yours. Your perfume attacked his nostrils, filling his thoughts with inappropriate images of you moaning his name as he trailed his kisses all over your body. He could feel your pulse quicken with every kiss he gave you, the veins in your neck throbbing against his curious lips. That only egged him on, fueling his fantasy that you wanted this as much as he did. So he gave you more, completely forgetting that this was supposed to be just a favor between friends and not some kind of confession of love. He no longer cared if you found out how he felt about you, all he wanted was to hold you in his arms and kiss you until he couldn't feel his lips. 

When James nibbled on your neck, sucking hard on your pulse point, you couldn't help but let out a moan. You didn't even realize you did it until it was too late. James stopped for a moment, surprised and excited by the sweet sound that had just escaped your lips. He wondered if maybe it was a good time to stop, but then you whined in protest, your hand traveling to his head to push him further against your skin. He got the message immediately, continuing his assault on your neck without allowing himself to think about the morality of what you were doing.

It wasn't long before you were lying back on the bed, pulling James down on top of you as you began your attack on his lips. Your hands roamed his body desperately, tugging at his clothes until you had contact with the warm skin of his torso. He helped you remove his shirt, pulling away from you for a moment so he could toss the piece of fabric to the other side of the room before kissing you again. His hands caressed your body with a shy gentleness, his fingers slipping under your tank top and arousing a tingling sensation along the way. 

You felt like you were on fire, your heart was beating rapidly against your chest and your lungs were struggling to catch a breath. You were desperate to feel James' skin against yours. You wanted to feel every inch of him and let him do with you what he wanted. You were completely lost in the moment, enjoying the way James trailed his wet kisses down your lips to your jaw, sliding down your neck until he reached your collarbone.

You opened your eyes to admire the scene in front of you and when your eyes made contact with James' you realized what you were doing. Reality hit you like a train, common sense replacing the desire that had clouded your mind. You were friends, best friends in fact, and friends weren't supposed to kiss like that. You weren't supposed to want to feel the warmth of his hands running down your body or the caress of his lips on your skin. 

"Wait, wait," you muttered with ragged breaths, sitting up in bed to put some distance between you and James. "This is wrong... we're friends, we shouldn't..."

"I know, I know," James said, closing his eyes for a moment as he collected his thoughts. "But you can't look me in the eyes and tell me that didn't feel right. "

You fell silent for a moment. He was right, you couldn't. That intimate moment you shared had felt so good, so right, as if it was what you were meant to do from the moment you met. It was natural, something you should have done a long time ago.  It was clear you both liked each other, so what was stopping you?

"If you really want to stop, we'll stop." James spoke, snapping you out of your thoughts. "I just want you to know that I really like you. I've waited a long time to tell you, looking for the right time, you know... I don't know if this is it, I just know that I can't keep hiding what I feel." 

His confession took you by surprise for some reason —as if it was something weird after having his tongue down your throat as you kissed— so you responded with a kiss, not trusting your ability to formulate coherent sentences. This kiss was different from the previous ones, it was full of love and tenderness. Your lips caressed James' with the passion of years of repressed feelings. You clung to his body, sitting on his lap to keep his body as close to yours as possible. And as you melted into one in a swirl of love and passion you assured him that he was the only man you wanted to wake up next to for the rest of your life.

[feminist-cult-following]

ranking each song on ttpd: the anthology by how lesbian I interpret them as

1. guilty as sin — literally so lesbian. the yearning, the fantasizing, the pining, the insane amount of religious imagery? “what if the way you hold me is actually what’s holy?” “I choose you and me religiously?” I SAW GAY SO I SAID GAY !!

2. but daddy I love him — the word “him” in the title be damned this is one of the most lesbian songs her in whole discography. the romance being forbidden by the whole town is enough for me. I’m just picturing two women in the south who are deeply in love but stuck in a small, conservative town. so so good and so so lesbian

3. fresh out the slammer — I always listen to this from the perspective of a woman who once struggled with internalized homophobia and forced herself into a relationship with a man. once she’s able to accept herself she goes back to her true love. I like to think to it as a sort of sequel to the way I loved you

4. the tortured poets department — I’m not even a gaylor but this song will always be about phoebe bridgers in my mind (just jokes people). but seriously this song is so gay. the title of tortured poets is reserved for lesbians

5. the bolter — for the girlies who dated men before realizing they were a lesbian and always found themselves sabotaging the relationship without knowing why

6. down bad — this is about your first lesbian heartbreak. the one that feels shifted your entire world off its axis and changed you forever. the heartbreak is one you never get over.

7. the prophecy — whatever you do, don’t think about this from the perspective of either a young girl or an older woman who’s too afraid to come out and fears she’ll never find love. it’ll shatter your heart into a million tiny pieces

8. who’s afraid of little old me? — I love to think of this song from the perspective of a deeply repressed woman with religious trauma that just came out. she grew up being taught who she was was a sin and all of these feelings of rage and resentment have been bubbling up in her for years. it makes for a very cathartic listening experience

9. the alchemy — okay okay hear me out. I will defend this placement with my life! is it about a man who plays football, arguably the most heterosexual sport there is? yes. but you have to get creative with it. think cheerleader and basketball player who aren’t supposed to be together but can’t fight their feelings! “who are we to fight the alchemy?” is one of the gayest lines she’s ever written and I will die on this hill!

10. peter — the fact that it’s named after a dude doesn’t change the fact that this always makes me think of a girl singing to her closeted ex lover. the yearning, the pining, it’s very lesbian

11. I hate it here — really gay if you interpret the secret gardens, lunar valleys, and inner romanticism through a lesbian lens

12. look in people’s windows — another one that’s really only just because I played it on repeat in my breakup era

13. imgonnagetyouback — this is so that one ex you can’t stay away from because she changed your whole life. it’s about that girl who’s like a drug (and it’s how I manifested my ex back)

14. thanK you aIMee — potentially controversial spot in the ranking but if you think about it as a woman singing to her ex homoerotic friendship it makes sense

15. florida!!! — any collab taylor does with a woman automatically earns lesbians points idc what it’s about

16 the black dog — not overtly gay but this one was on repeat during my breakup era so it will always be gay to me

17. the albatross — this one vaguely gives me lesbian vibes if you interpret it as the narrator speaking to her closeted lover

18. chloe or sam or sophia or marcus— this one is more of a treat for our bisexuals!! lesbians love you mwah !

19. cassandra — the vibes are there but not enough for me to justify putting it above any of the other songs

20. fortnight — as much as I would love to defend this as a lesbian song the lyric “my husband is cheating” and the post malone feature make that hard to do

21. loml — a heartbreakingly beautiful song but not very lesbian

22. the smallest man who ever lived — even though I think of my ex when I listen to this it still has the word man in the title which knocks it down by many lesbian points

23. my boy only breaks his favorite toys — “boy” in the title unfortunately makes this drop a lot of spots

24. so high school — absolute banger but very straight

25. how did it end? — beautiful song but there’s definitely gayer stuff on this album

26. so long, london — all I can think about is joebless when I hear this so no lesbian points for yogurt boy

27. I can do it with a broken heart — this is more girlhood than lesbianism

28. the manuscript — great but very heterosexual I fear

29. I can fix him (no really I can) — this is practically the straight woman’s national anthem

30. clara bow — also not lesbian, but definitely the album’s most underrated song

31. robin — not lesbian at all, but cute song!

[egonkula]

girl mac my most catholic of disasters!!!!

mac is pulled by her desire to please her mother and her God. to please her mother is to be what she really wanted, a boy. so mac slicks her hair back and cuts it short and ugly with a pair of safety scissors. every time she looks in the mirror she wonders if that's what she really was supposed to be . a boy. that's the only reason she could come up with to justify why god would burden her with loving girls. god simply forgot to make her a man. instead of coping she represses.

she's 14 and trying to ignore the nagging at the back of her mind when she kisses a boy for the first time. she's sick to her stomach and tries to pretend it's because she's drunk. she trudges back to charlee's place after, trying to feel normal again. she doesn't. charlee asks her what's wrong. she doesn't say. she crawls into charlee's bed and they forget about it .

she figures soon enough she'll be rewarded, god will bless her for being good. for trying to fix herself.

she views indulging in masculinity as a sin too, so she hates herself. she wishes she was like denise. she's so beautiful, effortlessly. she's got long hair and soft hands. mac's nothing like den. she does anything to prolong the time they have together, trying to worm her way into denise's life. be more than just her weird dealer under the bleachers.

she scrawls pictures of mother mary in her journal and every night before she goes to sleep she asks her to take it away.

the other girls at church whisper about her. she's 17 and has gotten used to swallowing down the vomit that comes with a man. half of them are calling her a whore. the other half whisper in fear. whisper that she's too close with that charlee. they heard about some party where charlee and mac were passed out on a couch, in some vaguely compromising position. the girls stared at her. like she was a disgusting beast. like they were scared mac was gonna come for them next.

at confession she asks for forgiveness for all the boys.

at confession she cries too hard to talk about the girls