#like tiki just actually proposed to him

[phoenixkaptain]

What if… I posted Marth and Tiki drabbles…

Haha jk. Unless…

No, no, jk.

Unless…

[lydias--stiles]

♡ IT HAD TO BE YOU, WONDERFUL YOU ♡

canon compliant juke valentine’s day fic ♡ for all you sweethearts in the fandom

Before hopeless romantic Julie Molina fell in love with Luke Patterson, she always felt glum on Valentine’s Day. She tortured herself with romcoms leading up to the holiday, went into the “couples goals” tag on Pinterest, pouted when her crushes she never talked to dated other people (read: Nick) and felt all around envious of those having a lover to spend the day with. Her mother dying, she who held the biggest heart of all, also didn’t help her mood.   

But that was before Luke blasted himself into her life. Sure, their romance was a little unorthodox, but predictability was overrated anyway.

They got together last summer, when the band played an amazing gig at a tiki bar on the beach and they were drunk on the heat, pink lemonade and each other’s adoring gazes. Dancing on the beach with him and the boys, Luke had grabbed her in his embrace and whispered lyrics at her she’s never heard before. His fingers grazed her jaw when he said it was a love letter - “For you, Jules.” She didn’t have to go far to reach his lips, both eager and giddy to finally come home.

(Weeks later, the love letter was transposed to music and performed for an audience. It was full circle moment. He loved music and her and now it was all connected. Luke had been dazed, but Julie was quick to kiss the stupor away. They could do that now. It was insane.) 

All week, Julie had been working on a secret gift. She scoured her room was scraps and pictures and notes; reminders of Luke hidden in every corner without realising it. A purple pick was found under her bed, a song in her dream box they never got to finish, a seashell he plucked from the beach, a row of pictures from a photo booth, love notes. Julie would lie if she said she didn’t find it adorable how his only reference of romance were the 80s flicks, as it gave her a heartthrob of a boyfriend that didn’t back down from cute gestures like those notes. It left her heart racing and brought a blush on her cheekbones. the sun’s jealous of that smile jules

It was only natural she made him a collage. 

They had an unspoken agreement to never involve money. Though they were in a band together, all the money they made directly went to Julie. She invested it back in their life passion, obviously, but the fact remained that Luke couldn’t take her on typical dates or buy her the typical gifts. Until American Ghost Dollars got invented, they had to be creative. 

Going to the movies were movie nights in the studio with a projector and cookies they made together. A love song instead of dinner. Dancing in her bedroom with AirPods instead of partying.     

And it was enough. It was more than enough. She loved him so much that each second spend together was perfect as is. 

The collage was small enough that he could easily tuck it away. Pictures overlapped, a dozen Mini Luke’s and Mini Julie’s staring at the camera or each other, from before and after they started dating. 

A photo Flynn took of Luke peppering her temple with kisses backstage. A polaroid of when she snuck up on him and smacked a kiss on his cheek, his teeth flashing white from the beam on his face. A Snapchat of when she showed him the filters and he kissed her instead. Multiple pictures of them snuggling on the studio couch, supposed ‘blackmail’ for Alex, but Julie cherished them. If she closed her eyes, she could feel his arms wrap around her back as she’s sprawled on top of him.

The pretty shell didn’t fit on the collage, so she decided to make a bracelet as well. A thick band made from orange, red and yellow string, the shell as its penchant. 

That morning, she pulled on her most Valentine’s day inspired outfit and rushed to the studio. Her gifts were still in her room, out of sight and kept for later, now she just wanted to see her boyfriend. 

Her smile, painted in cherry lipgloss, stretched wider when she slid the doors open and saw that no one was inside. Just last night had he kissed her a little longer after rehearsal, wiggling his brows like he knew something she didn’t. Luke was terrible at keeping secrets. She wasn’t surprised to find it empty, unless…

Luke poofed in front of her with a warrior cry and hoisted her up in one fluid motion. Julie yelled in delight, gripping onto him as he spun them around. For the occasion, he swapped his regular orange beanie for a red one. (One day, her heart was going to explode from all the silly stuff he did.) Matching her expression, his hands steadied her as she wrapped her legs around his waist.    

An index finger flicked his chin playfully. “How long did it take you to plan this?”

He gasped, faux-offended. “Julie! I’m spontaneous as shit.”

“Mh-hm,” she hummed, leaning in to kiss his lips. His frown melted away, the languid kiss flickering with the hint of passion it usually held. Slowly, he set her down, her staying locked between his arms. When she pulled back, he chased after her and pecked the side of her mouth - once, twice.    

“I’m gonna smother you with so much kisses that you’re gonna get sick of me,” he declared, as if the threat of loving her was scary. 

She pressed her forehead against his with a grin. “I look forward to it.”

Instantly keeping up his promise, he nuzzled against her cheek. “What’d you wanna do?”

“Well, we’re ending the day in the hammock.”

“Duh.”

“And,” she sneakily added, “we can be really cheesy and watch ‘Valentine’s Day’.”

He made a face, both remembering their divided opinion on the movie. “If we’re seeing it again, then I’m choosing all the snacks.”

“Deal.”

“Nice,” he breathed, raising his fist between their torsos so she could bump it with her own. Her cheeks were already aching from smiling so much, giddy to spend the entire day with her boyfriend undisturbed by the boys or family or school. 

Her fingers scratched into his plaid jacket. “You know what I’m also looking forward to?” His eyes narrowed at her lilting voice. “Giving you your present.”

His jaw fell slack. “Jules, now I’m gonna be thinking about it all day.” But then she saw the devilish glint in the green of his irises as he uttered: “Guess you’ll have to wait on your present too.”

“You-” That was unexpected. “You have a present?”

Luke bit down on his lip, watching her surprise. “I was waiting for that reaction. Sweet. Okay, I’m saying we dip everything in chocolate. Fruit, popcorn-”

“I’m willing to try one of those crazy combinations you love so much,” she proposed. The excited smooch she got afterwards was worth it.

The couple claimed the kitchen for an hour as they made their snacks, most of which being the typical chocolate covered strawberries both liked a lot, and then nestled themselves in her room. Curled into his warm body, they shared earphones as they watched ‘Valentine’s Day’. Though she asked to watch it, all her attention went to his hands continuously caressing her waist and thigh. It lulled her into a blissful trance. Sometimes he would make a joke (“We’re way cooler than Taylor and Taylor!”) and she’d chuckle and hum and rub his chest. By the time Jessica Biel was smashing the piñata, she was placing soft kisses on his neck and he had to pause the movie. 

Hovering over her with a wolfish grin, he pecked her nose. “I thought you wanted to watch.”

“And I thought you were going to smother me with kisses,” she bounced back with a quirked brow. For a beat, they shared an amused look. 

Then Luke laughed, diving for her lips and doing just that. That rushing feeling coursed through her veins, a pure shot of adoration and attraction with each warm, open-mouthed kiss. He tasted like chocolate, skin sticky from fruit, and smelled in that perfectly boyish way. Julie sighed into the kiss. No cheesy movie or love song could compete with the sensation of slipping her fingers in his hair and having his arms tighten like he never wanted her to stop. Her bedroom was heaven on earth.   

(Perhaps that was silly. She was only seventeen after all. How much did she actually know about the world to accurately make that statement? But did it even matter if right now, right here, she felt like the luckiest girl in the universe? The cynics could bite her.) 

She didn’t know how long they let their lips and hands wander. It was hard to care about time when his mouth was on her ear and her nails drew shapes on his back. 

“I bet,” he whispered, “Taylor and Taylor never felt like this.”

She giggled. “You’re just jealous of the big teddy bear.”

His smile pressed on her cheek. “Maybe.”

When Luke and her first got together, they were scared to touch. Sure, they had their moment on the beach and previously, they found plenty of opportunities to be in contact. But after they made if official and there was nothing to hide behind anymore, it got scary. They yearned for affection, but what if Luke disappeared one day without meaning to and then they’d both ache for each other’s comfort? They got over it eventually and now it was only natural to feel his smile on her skin.

It was hard to imagine kissing anyone but Luke, unfathomable having a different boy hug her from behind at school and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. Only Luke could write her love notes. Only she was allowed to write him ones as well, or leave cute post-it’s on his guitar to cheer him up when he had a bad day. It was just them.

Her mind going haywire over such a simple touch jolted her memory, Julie abruptly sitting up and bringing Luke with her. His brows raised in surprise. She pecked the pout away, brushing her nose against his. 

“Can I give you your present?”

A breathy smile tugged on his cheeks. “Yeah, I’m curious.”

Julie untangled herself from their embrace and reached inside her wardrobe for the gift. Sitting cross-legged in front of him, she gave him his present with barely-concealed anticipation. Hopefully he loved it as much as she loved making it! 

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” she sang, watching him pull the tissue paper out the small bag and unearthing the collage and bracelet. 

Speechless, he gawked at the collection of pictures. Eyes flitted past each quickly, like he wasn’t sure what he was seeing. Crawling over to sit beside him, she placed her head on his shoulder. “You like it?”

He sniffled. Julie looked up and was shocked to note his eyes were shiny. “Aw, babe!”

His gaze caught hers, distraught. “You’re not supposed to make me horny and then emotional!”

She laughed and pressed a kiss on his cheek. His cute reaction made her heart lurch with fondness. “It wasn’t supposed to make you cry.”

Luke sighed, hand guiding her face to place a proper kiss on her lips. It was short, but just as electric as all the ones before. He kissed like he played guitar - always intentional and one hundred percent. 

“I love it,” he muttered. “Thank you. And I love the bracelet too.”

“I made sure it matches your others.”

He captured her lips again. “Yeah… Thanks, Jules.” His nose scrunched, arrogance dripping from his voice as he tucked a curl behind her ear. “My present is better though.”

Her arms crossed, challenged. “Oh really?”

“Hell yeah, it is. Gonna knock it out of the park.” With a snap of his finger, he conjured his songbook and stuck the collage between two fresh pages. He clicked his tongue with the typical bravado he exuded onstage. “Who knows, Jules, you might even get a crush on me.”

Just as she was about to retort with a tease of her own, her eyes caught a fluttering page with words she didn’t recognise. Pointing at it, she asked: “What’s that?”

Luke frowned, thumbing to the right side and rolling his eyes. “Some lyrics that got stuck in my head a few nights ago. It doesn’t work though.”

“Maybe not. I kind of like that part.” She tapped on the line ‘so deep, your DNA's being messed with my touch’ with a pensive wrinkle knitted in her forehead. Ideas began to brew, throwaway pieces from other discarded songs coming back to her and meshing well with what he’s already composed. “Yeah, this is good, Luke. Do you want to work on it?”

He hesitated for a beat, stare trailing from her to the half-eaten plate of snacks. “Do you want to?”

“Of course,” she smiled. They were Luke and Julie - did either of them really think they could go a day without music? Even if she hadn’t discovered this diamond in the rough, he’d inevitably spring upright to write down a riff or her fingers would tingle to try out a melody. Songwriting was perhaps the best date of all, showing that work and play could successfully be mixed together. 

He sighed in relief. “Good. Okay, so I was thinking…”

Hours went by tinkering on the song, the afternoon drifting by and them having moved to the hammock in the garden. It was a spot Luke rediscovered and she all too willingly found a place next to him. They cherished the quietude and warmth even before they were dating. The page was now littered with flowing, strung-together verses and a half-done chorus. Instrumentals were for tomorrow when they were all together. In the back of her head lingered the thought that he still hasn’t given his supposed homerun of a present, but Julie reminded herself then that it didn’t even matter. This was enough. He was enough. Who knew, maybe he was just talking smack! The doubts vanished as Luke drummed his fingers on her stomach, humming a beat.      

“And you thought it wouldn’t work!”, she teased. 

He puffed. “Cause it didn’t! It needed the Molina Touch!”

A brow quirked, amused. “The Molina Touch?”

“Yes,” he grinned and tapped her chest. “The Touch.”

“I don’t have the Force, Luke.” When his face fell flat, she decided to play along and mimicked his motion. Her fingers circled his sternum as she said: “Well, I look forward to the Patterson Energy bringing it alive onstage.”

The boy rolled on his side, she following suit. The hammock bended to the movement, pushing them closer together. The couple snickered, noses nudging and locked in the other’s arms. Above, the sky was coloured like Monet, purples and blues and pinks as the sun dropped below the trees. Julie stared at the way he craned his neck, green eyes blown wide while marvelling at the sweeping atmosphere. He was the most beautiful person she’s ever encountered. She was probably a little obsessed with him, never bored of looking at him, of finding new freckles, moles and spots. 

Her reverie snapped like a bubble as he said something. 

“What?”

He repeated himself. “Wanna get waffles?”

She blinked. “Waffles?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “V-Day waffles. I bet they have red velvet ones.” His face twisted, like he was in on an inside joke, and murmured against her lips: “Whipped cream, Jules. Can’t resist that.”

Damn. He knew her too well. “Reggie’s going to be mad we went without him.”

“Then he should get himself a ghost lover,” he joked. Slapping her hip, the exclaim was resolute. “Let’s go!”

The drive was short, an surprising amount of waffle places scattered around Los Feliz. The cityscape was painted red for the day. Heart-shaped wreaths adorned the doors of stores, bars promoted special cocktails with pink hues, boutiques displaying date night dresses on mannequins in the windows. At the end of a large strip of food joints, a waffle house joining in with a red banner hung across the frontage. RED VELVET WAFFLES! ONLY TODAY!

Julie shot him a suspicious look. “You knew?”

He shrugged, smirking. “A good guess.”

They were lucky. The parking lot was pretty much abandoned, no onlookers to see her joking around with air. He stayed in the car as she got the treats.

As she queued, her aimless thoughts found Luke as a focal point. It was hard not to. Maybe the best thing of all for a hopeless romantic like her, was that she found someone who was an even bigger dreamer than she was. If she jumped for the stars, he rocketed himself into space and hoped for the best. It made days like Valentine’s special, but it also felt like another regular Saturday. He didn’t kiss her differently, looked at her more intently - it was always like this. The red velvet waffles was just… extra. A cherry on an already perfect milkshake. Luke and Julie never needed fireworks to make the other feel remarkable. 

Dropping back in the driver’s seta with a sigh, she propped the waffles on the dashboard. “I’m not sure if it’s going to taste right, they look kind of mushy, but I’m sure the whipped cream-” The words died in her throat as she looked at Luke, a timid smile on his lips as his present laid flat in his hands. A mixtape. 

Her eyes tracked the CD for a beat (jules <3 written in sharpie with his infamous scrawl) and then flicked up to his face. That was most spectacular of all: the nervous twitch in his eye, the breathy smile. Luke was flustered.       

Gingerly, she took it from his grasp. “How did you make this?”, she whispered. 

The palpable energy didn’t waver. “Carlos. He lend me his computer and explained how to burn CD’s.” His chuckle was awkward. “Had to get you in the car somehow.”

A smile bloomed on her lips. Her heart was truly going to explode; the gesture so thoughtful and sweet. (Shit. He did knock it out of the park. How will his ego cope?!) Reaching over the middle console, she chastely kissed him. “I already love it.”

He shook his head with a grin, shoulders loosening a bit. “You haven’t listened to it yet. C’mon, play it.” He shot her a cocky nod. “You know how to use a CD-player?”

“Very funny,” she quipped. Cautiously, she took the CD out of its case and slipped it into the player. It whirred for a beat, her upping the volume, and just as she thought she’d hear some 90s rock band, something unexpected happened. 

hey jules

She froze, staring at Luke’s feverishly excited face, as his crackling voice came through the speakers.  

i finally learned about technology! you happy? anyway, you know i love you. i love everything about you, i think… i think that’s kinda why i’m here to begin with.

Tears lodged itself in her chest, ready to spill. Love was going to make her go mad one day. She loved this boy so much that it was insurmountable by anything else.

that’s not- it’s not what this cd is about. His tone brightened. what i love most about you, julie molina, is how fucking in love you are with music. so what better thing to give you, is more music? these are ten songs that remind me of you… happy valentine’s day, baby. 

It clicked off. Quietly, slowly, a melodious piano variation flowed in. Her breath hitched as she recognised it. Frank Sinatra’s ‘It Had To Be You’ reminded Luke of her? Her hands were shaking. His calloused ones grabbed them, pads of his fingers caressing the skin. A pout jutted from her lips, her eyes shimmering with emotion. It wasn’t fair. Boys weren’t supposed to be this romantic. 

His smile could light up the entire state, touch trailing across her arm up to her cheek, grazing the lone tear that she wasn’t even aware of. “Don’t cry,” he chuckled. “I can be the only sap.”

Shaking her head, she pushed herself over the console and placed herself on his lap. The divide of a stick shift was a plain crime. Circling her arms around his neck, Julie kissed him in the way she thought the song felt. Warm and languid and timeless and wholly, utterly loving. Depthless and infinite. The thrill of his bass voice melted them together, no space between them with his hands wrapped around her lower back. 

For nobody else gave me a thrill With all your faults, I love you still It had to be you, wonderful you It had to be you

“I love you,” she sighed into his mouth. “It’s not enough. It’s not…”

He kissed the lament away. “I know. That’s why music works.” Sinatra sang a line and then he grinned. “Gotta express ourselves somehow.”

Though that was true, though they had music to shape their thoughts into the most beautiful declarations of love, all she wished to have was a word. A simple word that perfectly encapsulated what she felt. Love felt too small. Too simple. But until she found it, she’d keep saying it.

And so she did. “I love you, Luke.” 

His eyes shut in delight. “I love you too, Julie.”

They wouldn’t leave for a long time. Locked in each other’s loving embrace, they listened to every song on the mixtape. And when it ended, they looped it.

Time and space wasn’t really important to them anyway.     

For nobody else gave me a thrill With all your faults, I love you still It had to be you, wonderful you It had to be you

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

@blush-and-books​ @bluefirewrites​ @ourstarscollided​​ @alexjulies​ @unsaid-emily​ @willexx​

[officialleehadan]

Takes Two

Inspired by THIS DANCE (Yes, I know it's about a lost love. Ignore that part.)

+++

“Dance with me?”

Cami looked up and stifled a sigh of relief. She had been involved in a very interesting discussion with three of the other dancers, all of them old enough to be her mother or older. The discussion, unfortunately, had turned from pointe shoes, which Cami was always happy to talk about, to her love life, which Cami would prefer not to discuss for a great many reasons.

Not the least of which being her somewhat inappropriate crush on the man presently pretending to be her boyfriend.

Who, as it happened, had truly spectacular timing.

“Always,” she said and took his hand before any of the aunties could stop her. Not that they would. Julian, by virtue of genuinely being a sweetheart under his prickly outer shell, had been winning the aunties over in droves. Cami had been asked when he would be proposing twice, which wasn’t a lot, but twice was already more than enough. Julian drew her onto the dance floor with his little smile playing about his lips. “Good timing.”

“You looked like you might need a rescue,” he said with chuckle. The band had been playing waltzes for most of an hour, which Cami loved, because they were the perfect music to talk to, or to dance to, or just to enjoy. “But I admit, it wasn’t entirely selfless. One of the older men wanted to give me ‘advice’ that I would rather not repeat.”

“Uncle Chuckie, huh?”

“Among others, yes.”

Cami giggled. Uncle Chuckie was good people, sweet as pie, cursed like a sailor, and had absolutely zero brain to mouth filter. He also had sixchildren, four of which were his own blood, and liked to give everyone advice on how to acquire children of their own.

She liked children, and Julian had mentioned that he wasn’t opposed to the idea himself. There was only the small problem of them not actually being together.

Well, that and Uncle Chuckie’s profound lack of boundaries.

The music changed gently as their current waltz ended, and Cami didn’t have time for regret before it slipped into something faster, and more sultry. A tango.

When she glanced at the band, she saw Sanderson grinning like a hyena and looking very pleased with himself.

“Dance with me?” Julian asked again, low in her ear, and Cami fought down a blush. It was a dance. She lived for dancing. She was not going to lose her composure dancing a sexy tango. Even if it was a sexy song, and Sanderson almost certainly knew that when he requested it. She didn’t know what he was up to, and resolved to corner him later. “It’s almost like our first dance, remember?”

“I wondered what made you ask me,” Cami said. She stepped closer, until they were nearly pressed together, and let him guide her into the half-familiar steps. It was strange to be dancing a dance she hadn’t taught him, but she loved tango, and so did he, if he stayed in practice even with no one to dance with. Now they were used to each other, to moving together, and it was easy in a way their first dance hadn’t been. “You didn’t know I tango, did you?”

“I’ve seen you dance,” he said, close enough to smell his aftershave and the faint scent of wood smoke that clung to him from the bonfire off to one side. “You did a showcase… two years ago I think? It was the first time I saw you dance anything but ballet.”

“That was more than a year before our arrangement,” Cami said, somewhat surprised. He took her weight, and she spun weightlessly in his arms before settling back to the hard-packed dirt. It was a long way from the polished wood of the dance halls, and intimate in the low light of the tiki torches and the bonfire. They had danced more often in casual clothes than formal ones, but it was different somehow, to be dancing without their armor. “I didn’t know you were there.”

“I’ve come to every one of your performances I could,” he said softly, almost against her ear when she leaned into him, their steps matched almost exactly despite his height, and her bare feet. “First it was an easy way to socialize without socializing, but I wanted…”

He trailed off, uncertain and soft in the low light. Cami let him spin her again and stepped back into his arms.

“I wanted to get to know you,” Julian told her to the soft sounds of the people around them, the music, and the crackling fire. “And you love dancing. And I do too. With you.”

It was an offer, almost like his first, in a way, with a gentle question hidden under it. She knew him now. Knew that if there was even the slightest hint that she wasn’t comfortable, it would be nothing but a dance. Nothing but two friends with an arrangement that helped them both. He would never, ever put her in a bad position, on the dance floor or off it.

So really, it wasn’t that hard a decision.

“Takes two to tango,” she whispered, and smiled up at him. “And good dance partners are hard to find.”

She might have said more, but the music trailed off, and she realized all at once that they were alone on the dance floor. Their audience burst out into delighted applause. Julian ducked his head, always a little uncomfortable in the spotlight no matter how used to it he was, and stepped back, her hand still in his. Cami, of course, was comfortable on stage, and gave a half-bow and a grin to the aunties, who were all whooping and hollering delightedly.

Before there could be requests for more, she pulled Julian off to one side, and the band cheerfully picked up a faster tune rather than hold the mood. Julian looked down at her, and Cami pulled his arm up around her shoulders and leaned into his side again.

“Let’s take it slow,” she said in their quiet little bubble of night, while the dance floor filled again. “But I think I’d like to get to know you too.”

+++

Ballet Heels:

Camille fought and bled to get into Julliard.

Julian fought and bled to build his company into what it is.

He needs a dance partner, and it so happens, she’s good at ballroom.

Cut a Dance Floor

Shuriken Toaster

Agreement in Paper

Friends and Rivals

Arm in Arm (Subscriber Only!)

Secret Steps (Free on Patreon!)

Dance the Steps

Along a Logging Road (Free on Patreon!)

Dapper Diamond  (Free on Patreon!)

Festival Festival (Subscriber Only!)

+++

More Stories!

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[id-rather-be-an-outsider]

Pick Your Poison

Pieck Finger x Porco Galliard,

Pieck Finger x Zeke Yeager

word count: 1531

summary: Pieck is the receptionist for the science department at Marley U, Zeke is a professor in the same department. Porco is an intern who’s finishing up his degree to get on the faculty there as well. That is all. No story here, not at all.

a/n: I like college AUs, die mad. nothing horny here, just... aftermath. And just for clarity the behavior Pieck and Zeke exhibit as mentioned in this fic are NOT BEHAVIORS I CONDONE so if u do this I will berate you for it like a very disappointed mother

masterlist

“Fuck you.” I say as I put my clothes back on.

“You just did.” Porco says to me, “And don’t act like you didn’t like it.” He smiles like we’re in high school again and not newly hired university staff.

“I told you not to come over. Zeke’s gonna be here any minute.”

He scowls. “Oh, right, I forgot you’re only with him so your parents think you’re dating someone they like.”

I scoff. “Zeke is responsible! And mature, and thoughtful, and-“

“-Don’t forget using you for his own personal gain, purposely hiding your relationship from the general public so he can cheat on you-“

“Shut up.” I snap as he starts listing shit off on his fingers. “He’s only supposed to look the part, I never told him he had to act it.”

We rush to put clothes on in silence until he says, “Are you just expecting to date him until your parents die or something?”

I throw my hands up in the air. “Porco I don’t know! Are you expecting me to date you?”

“I’m just saying,” He deflects, “You know they won’t be satisfied with you and Zeke breaking up eventually. And considering you’re making attempts to hide us from him, you must know that Zeke feels the same way. And you’re catering to his feelings.”

“I am not.”

“Are too,” He insists, “And if I’m being honest, you need to figure it out. You know how I feel.”

I say, “And I told you, if you find someone you like better or are just interested in, you don’t need my permission to pursue them. Just don’t fuck me after that.”

“I know.” He says. “But maybe there is no one else who can pique my interest quite as much as you do.”

“You only like me because I’m unavailable to you, so it’s naughty and scandalous.” I roll my eyes.

“Maybe that was the case at first, but things change.” He admits, pulling on his shoes.

“What do you mean?” I ask, brows furrowed.

“What do you think I mean?” He counters. “We’ve been doing this, hanging out and stuff, for a long time. Don’t tell me you can’t think of one redeeming quality about yourself beyond just the sex that I’ve stuck around for.”

I can feel the heat coming to my face at his remark. “Well, not to be humble or anything, but I don’t really think about myself in that way all that much. So you’d have to tell me.”

“Oh, so you like it when I say nice things about you?” He says, standing up and walking over to corner me. “Didn’t know that.”

“That’s not what I said!” I argue.

He lowers his voice. “But don’t act like you don’t secretly like it. I know you too well for you to play me like that, Pieck.”

A knock comes from the door. My eyes widen. Zeke’s here. “Gimme a minute!” I call, then whisper to Porco, “You have to leave!”

“Off the back porch? But your neighbors will see me.”

“How else? And like they’d care, they have threesomes over there.” I punch Porco’s arm when he gets a look in his eye. “No. I don’t like sharing.”

“And I like it even less than you do.” He states, wrapping me in a quick hug and kissing my forehead. “See you later. Have fun with your Professor.” And climbs down the balcony as I run to the door.

“Zeke!” I exclaim, “I’m so happy to see you.” My warm smile falters when I see his face. He knows. I usher him in as I stare at the ground and close the door.

“I know that was Porco.” He says simply. Flatly.

“Y... yes....” I say, not sure exactly what to say.

“How long are you going to keep this charade up? Presenting me to your parents like we’re madly in love, meanwhile having him in your bed almost every night. Hm?” He asks me, not in an aggressive way, but definitely not gently.

I protest, “I could ask you the same, with all the panties I’ve found in your apartment.”

He sighs, rubbing his hand against his face. “Pieck, I only strayed when I suspected you and Porco. Not saying it’s an excuse,” He quickly defends, “But I think we both can agree the blood’s on both of our hands.”

“I didn’t start fucking him until I found the evidence against you anyways!” I scoff, knowing he’s full of shit. “And what about hiding our relationship from everyone and their mother?”

He looks surprised. “Well. Then I misjudged your relationship with him... partially. Anyways, why wouldn’t I? Everyone on staff thought you and Porco were together even before we started dating.”

“Zeke, you know all the rumors are just Connie wanting to feel included. He’s a temp worker for a reason.” I remind him.

“Well. What’s done is done, then. But... I have something for you.” He gets down on one knee, producing a small box from his pocket. He doesn’t open it, but I can tell what it is.

“Zeke, what is this...?” I ask, extremely confused as to why he would propose after confirming Porco and I were having sex behind his back.

“I won’t ask you that question, because it isn’t fair of me. But.” He pauses, intentionally making eye contact. “I can’t be alone forever. You know my... condition, makes me a ticking time bomb. If I were to propose to you, it would be under the assumption that we would end our scandalous behaviors and be committed solely to each other. I love you, Pieck. I know you feel something for me. But I also know you care for Porco. If you come to my apartment tomorrow and tell me you’ve cut that attachment off, then I’ll propose to you. If you tell me you couldn’t do it, then I want to part ways. I want to find myself a stable marriage. A loving marriage. One where I can raise my children with my wife, with the picket fence, with the house that looks like a cottage, and maybe a few dogs padding around. When I die, I want to feel like a piece of me is left in this world, not that the woman I married is going to forget me and run to the footloose rebel her parents never wanted her to hang around as a kid.”

I smile sadly and gently push his hand down. “I understand.”

He nods, putting the ring box away. “Thank you, Pieck.”

Zeke’s always been very precise with his words. That’s why he makes such a great professor. That speech is probably the longest spiel he’s been on outside of the classroom. As the science department’s receptionist, I’m better at listening than talking, myself.

I mull this over as I walk to Porco’s apartment, only knocking once before he opens the door. It’s almost like he has a Pieck satellite.

“That was a short visit. What happened?” Porco asks.

“He uh... well, he didn’t propose, but he posed the option.” I say awkwardly.

“And...?” He pushes.

“I turned him down. I told him about this hot intern who caught my eye, and that the university wants to hire them permanently after they get their doctorate.” I laugh.

He smirks, “Well, I sure am glad I managed to catch the eye of the cute receptionist in the science department. What do you think the faculty are gonna say about an inter-department relationship?”

“Oh, they’ve been shipping Piecko forever. I’m more worried about what my parents will say.” I half-joke.

He actually looks worried for a second. “What will they say?”

“Probably something along the line of, ‘You’re an idiot for giving up money like that!’ But I don’t mind being an idiot if it means I’m happy and in love.” I smile and hug him. “You know, Zeke’s vision of our life together was very cookie cutter.”

“Told you he wasn’t right for you. You, Pieck, are no cookie cutter kind of gal. But for curiosity’s sake, what kind of life would that be?” Porco raises a brow, patting the seat next to him as he sits down on his sofa.

“He wanted...” I pause to gather my thoughts. “Dogs, kids, a picket fence - the whole package.”

“Oh, dogs would never do for my Pieck,” Porco says dramatically. “Everyone knows you’d want an African Grey and a Komodo Dragon!”

“Don’t forget a Pixie Frog!” I add, now grinning from ear to ear.

“That too. And your fence would have to be scary, like fake heads on pikes and barbed wire to ward off your enemies.” He suggests.

“Exactly. Why have a protective barrier if it isn’t cryptic enough to keep intruders out?” I say in a tone implying that should be obvious.

“If only the science department knew they had such a weirdo running their front desk.” He jokes, “They’d hunt you down with Tiki Torches.”

“If they did, I’d curse Connie’s mom to be a giant monster, then turn into one myself.”

Porco leans in to softly kiss my cheek. “The faculty wouldn’t stand a chance against you.”

[gascon-en-exil]

FE16 Wave 3 DLC Speculations

...Because it might come this month, and I’m bored. Plus I enjoy writing out these sorts of things before something gets released and then going back afterward to see how much I guessed correctly.

Jeritza

Definitely available on Crimson Flower, possibly exclusive to that route. He can be auto-recruited at the start of Part 2, like Gilbert.

If he’s available on any other routes it would be a pain to get him while working around existing content. Say you’d have to complete the Caspar/Mercedes paralogue and then finish the Fort Merceus battle, netting you Jeritza for...all of two/four chapters. This game lacks a Gotoh archetype, but with how unit customization works should it even have one?

Proficiencies will have to consider both his normal pre-promote swordmaster look and the modified dark knight that is his alter ego. Swords/lances/reason/riding? He might also have a proficiency or budding talent in bows, to have something in common with Mercedes and as a nod to their shared Crest being associated with a sacred bow. Weaknesses in faith and authority seem reasonable.

Reason spell list should be all or mostly dark spells, for the same reason as Hubert. It’s an Aesthetic.

Supports: Edelgard for necessary character development, Lysithea for the connection between Houses Hyrm and Ordelia, Felix so they can be edgy swordsmen, of course Mercedes, Caspar to give them something beyond a paralogue you can’t get on CF, Manuela for that one time when they hooked up(?) and then he stabbed her, Hubert for plot development on all the evil stuff they get up to together in Part 1 with a possible side bonus of awkward UST or catty ex banter because Jeritza is physically Hubert’s kind of man.

He can bang f!Byleth, and to add insult to injury to Mercedes’s pleas for him to remove his helmet/mask the only time you see him with nothing on his face is his S rank CG.

Anna

Available on all routes, though if it’s not until you find her secret thingy and her shop opens her availability will be pretty bad. It could always be a different Anna than the one who runs the shop, I suppose....

Hard to guess at proficiencies when she tends to jump around, but she’s most consistently in thief-style classes so swords and bows are a safe bet - as is authority with how good she is at getting people to do stuff for her

The blurb doesn’t specific new supports in the paid portion of the DLC, so it’s possible she might not have any other than the obligatory Byleth one(s). For reference in Awakening and Fates the only non-Avatar/Avatar spawn character she can support is Tiki, so this wouldn’t be unusual.

Her shared paralogue with Jeritza will be all manner of absurd. It might even get him to emote! (Disclaimer: not knocking the VA who I know to be good from other roles, I just really don’t get why Jeritza sounds perpetually catatonic in the game currently.)

Monastery Activities

I had to go back and check what Fates’s hot springs do, and now I remember why I never used them: they’re pure fanservice. Three Houses’s sauna may be slightly better off, similar to sharing a meal where you pick two characters to raise their motivation and support points. The trade-off to not needing cooking ingredients is that it’s only available once a day. Depending on whether it would be considered unusual in Japanese hot spring culture for teachers and students to bathe together the sauna may only be available in Part 2.

But on the subject of fanservice, I demand dialogue laden with subtext for all the usual suspects, especially in the Lions. Gay bathhouses are very much a cultural phenomenon that needs some acknowledgement when working with a cast like this.

Petting the monastery animals...yay? I don’t even notice them honestly, but I guess some people care about this being added. 

As for the other proposed new facilities, there’s plenty of room to work with between that fenced-off balcony south of the dining hall and the massive greyed-out space on the east side of the map that already has two or three buildings in it. Wave 4 is getting some too, so I’d wager they put this wave’s new content in the smaller balcony space. Personally I’d like a way to trade resources like crops and fish, to cut down on the need to save scum at the greenhouse and as a way to get rid of surplus of unneeded resource types other than just selling them. It would also be nice to have more activities like choir practice that raise units’ skill ranks outside of class and battle.

Not getting into online features, because I don’t use them and see no reason to.

I’m wary of the new quests, because the battle ones just take up time for skirmishes and the fetch quests are all forgettable unless they’re silly. Just don’t add another trading sequence....

Maids/Butlers

...Whee. The idea of a maid/butler battalion is so patently ridiculous that it demands some kind of overpowered ability to justify it. It’s such a shame that there’s no dagger weapon type in this game, or there might have actually been a slim chance that these would have appeared as playable unit classes. As for the costumes, I still haven’t played around with the sports team ones and likely won’t be touching these either, or whatever else they come up with. You know they’ll be gendered too, so if you want to see Dimitri/Dedue/Ferdinand/whoever in a maid outfit it’ll still have to be in fanart.

[sapphicambitions]

Quentin & Eliot Talk Marriage.

Part 3 of the Happy Little Fantasy Series. (Part 1, Part 2, Part 2.5)

---

Quentin and Eliot talk about the concept of marriage.

At first, it’s a sensitive subject, brought on because Margo and Fen are getting married. It’s been almost a year since the Monster and since they started living together. They dance around it. They both know for a fact that they want to live the rest of their lives together (forever and ever amen) but they’re both still healing and having a hard time talking about their feelings. Quentin feels like it shouldn’t be a big deal to talk about it, since they were kind of already married in a previous timeline. And Quentin has also been vocal about wanting to get married to Eliot. But El is nervous and doesn’t know how to talk about his nervousness to Q without making it sound like he doesn’t love him. Because he loves him so much. Marriage is just terrifying to him, and he’s not ready yet.

Eliot never really thought he’d get married. The concept as a whole was something he protested as a teen and then in college and then at Brakebills when he was bouncing from boyfriend to boyfriend. He’s a gay man from Indiana. Marriage has never even been on the table. Quentin doesn’t understand that, but he tries to. Quentin’s dad had always been accepting of his sexuality, from the time he came out in undergrad to when he told his dad about Eliot and the mosaic right before he passed. But he knows this is hard for Eliot. So he doesn’t push. Q knows they’ll talk when he’s ready.

A few months after Fargo’s wedding (Fen insisted on using this hashtag, despite not having a smartphone herself), Eliot comes into the kitchen while Quentin is cooking dinner and explodes into a tirade. He goes on about divorce rates for couples who get married after they’ve moved in together and the homophobia that queer men face when they’re trying to get married and why marriage as a construct is just the government’s way of enforcing gender roles and how the tax benefit isn’t even that great and how they don’t need a flashy ceremony in order to commit to each other for the rest of their lives and he goes on and on and on. Quentin just listens with open ears and open hearts as his partner rants, understanding that Eliot just needs to get it off his chest and out of his system.

Eliot finishes with a deep inhale, his eyes watching Q quietly stir the boiling pasta.

“Is that what I sound like?” Quentin asks, putting down the wooden spoon. “Like all the time?”

Eliot, who previously had this terrified look on his face, laughs, and nods. Quentin smiles at him, pours the pasta into the strainer, and slings his hand towel over his shoulder before making his way over to Eliot. He takes the taller man’s hands into his own and squeezes them.

“El, those are all valid reasons to not get married,” Quentin says. “If you really don’t want to do the rings and ceremony and government bullshit, we don’t have to. I’m content to just spend the rest of my life with you,”

Q really thought that what he said would make Eliot feel better, but instead Eliot seems to be blinking back tears. Whatever Eliot wants to say is clearly embarrassing him, so Quentin just waits while Eliot clears his throat. (Patience and listening, therapy taught them.)

“But I wanna be able to say “That’s my husband!” when we’re out,” Eliot says, looking down, voice breaking. “And I want to prove my father wrong when he said I would never get married. Is that bad?”

Quentin uses his thumb to wipe away the tear tracks on Eliot’s face. “No, El, it’s not bad,”

Quentin looks back at the pasta and the boiling vegetables and the sautéing chicken. “I think this conversation has been productive, but unless you want burnt chicken for dinner, I think we should continue it at a later date”

Eliot exhales and nods and Quentin kisses his cheek.  “I love it when you get domestic on me, Coldwater,”  

A later date rolls around. They’re walking through a park, hand in hand, and Quentin furrows his brow. “If we were to get married,” he states, sort of out of the blue, “Would we do a hyphenated last name? Or some kind of joint name? Would I take your last name? Would you take mine? How does this work?”

Eliot smiles. “You ask a lot of questions, Coldwater”

Quentin gasps, and sends Eliot a shit-eating grin. “The Coldwaughters,”

Eliot rolls his eyes. “No,”

“Get it?”

“Unfortunately,”

“Like Coldwater but with Waugh instead of water?”

“Hush, Q,”

“It would be fantastic!”

Eliot shuts him up with a kiss, and Quentin doesn’t complain. Q can also tell that Eliot is trying very hard not to laugh about it, too. It feels good, honestly, to be having this conversation so casually. And in public. And to be holding hands with his partner in public. And to kiss his partner in public. There’s a happy twinge in his chest as they laugh to themselves.

Eliot’s mouth twitches. “I kind of like Coldwater-Waugh,” Quentin thinks he could melt.

One night, they’re sitting around the fire pit in their backyard, drinking wine out of coffee mugs and enjoying the peace of the evening. Fireside lounging at night was something sacred to them, and they spent more nights than not enjoying the cool breeze and staring up at the stars, holding hands. Normally, they’d be sitting in their chairs, but tonight they unfolded their picnic blanket and are sitting on it together. It reminds Quentin of the first time he kissed Eliot, really kissed Eliot, at the mosaic and makes his heart happy. He seems to be having a lot of those moments these days, in the months and years after the Monster.

“So I was doing some reading today,” Eliot says, and Quentin takes a swig of his wine. “I read that while the when and where and how of a proposal is a surprise, the actual agreement to get married is not,” Eliot’s got a very casual tone in his voice, and Quentin nods.

“Like a business communication proposal?” Quentin quirks an eyebrow.

Eliot nods and his eyes flit around in the way that they do when he’s trying to cover his emotions. “Yes, just like that,” He says, completely deadpan.

They sip their wine.

“I want to be married to you, Quentin,” Eliot blurts out, turning to face him. Quentin smiles, a curious smile, and covers Eliot’s hand with his own.

“Are you sure?” Quentin asks, and Eliot nods.

“There are a lot of good reasons to not get married,” Quentin suggests.

Eliot shakes his head. “They’re still good reasons, but I also have one really good reason to want to get married. And it’s because I love you,” Quentin can tell this is hard for him, but that he’s trying to be brave. He also thinks that he’s never been more in love with Eliot than this moment. “But this isn’t the proposal,” Eliot says, gesturing with his coffee wine mug, before Quentin can get any ideas. “This is just the agreement. Proposal still to come,”

Quentin grins and raises his eyebrows. “Are you planning on doing the proposing? What if I wanted to propose to you?”

Eliot matches his grin and does the little wiggle that he does whenever he’s excited or turned on by Quentin. “We’ll just have to see, won’t we?”

They go ring shopping together. That seemed like the logical, adult next step. They don’t buy anything while they’re there, but they do get their fingers measured and decide they don’t want to do engagement rings. Just wedding bands. And they want to do gold, not silver. Gold because it reminds them of the golden tile and the beauty of all life and the chance to do fifty years together again. The woman behind the counter keeps asking where their girlfriends are. They ignore those questions.

Quentin talks to Margo. He’s nervous about the proposal and how to do it properly, for Eliot. So he goes to their best friend and asks how to craft the perfect Eliot Waugh proposal. But Margo rolls her eyes.

“Dipshit, Eliot doesn’t love you because you’re like him. He loves you for you. A big flashy proposal isn’t very Coldwater. Do something from the heart,”  Quentin makes a face at Margo’s sincerity and Margo throws her hands up in the air. “You came to me for advice, there it is!”

Quentin still doesn’t know what he wants to do.

Eliot talks to Julia. He has absolutely no idea how to propose marriage without sounding like an idiot and he’s not sure if he should even come up with a proposal. What if Quentin wants to do the proposing? What if Quentin is expecting to be proposed to? But Julia rolls her eyes.

“You could chuck a ring box at him and he would probably burst into tears,” She says.

“Great!” Eliot says, and doesn’t feel better. So Julia purses her lips and gives him real advice.

A few weeks later, Eliot is so nervous he might throw up. He gets home before Quentin, but only because he gets off work early. When he told his boss that he was proposing to his partner that night, she squealed and practically shoved him out the door. Perks of working at a shelter for LGBT youth--they soak up the gay shit. But Eliot doesn’t complain because it gives him plenty of time to prepare. He knows that Quentin won’t be home until sunset because of meetings he has with publishers in the city, which will make his homecoming and this moment even better.

So Eliot sets up in the backyard and leaves a note on the front door. He lays out their blankets and lights their tiki torches and get his proposal gift ready and paces while he rehearses his speech. He knows Quentin will say yes, but he’s still nervous. He’s nervous that it’s not going to go perfectly or that he’ll mess it up or that Quentin will be disappointed. Which he tries to tell himself is a stupid thing to think, and then comes back with the thought that it’s not stupid and his feelings are valid. And then he thinks that being a human with emotions is exhausting.

So he waits. And the sun begins to sink into the horizon.

Eliot hears Quentin’s car pull up their driveway, hears the engine stop and the door open and close. Footsteps approaching the front door. Footsteps coming around the back. Eliot takes a deep breath and picks up his proposal present. Show time.

Quentin rounds the corner, and they both freeze. And then they both laugh. 

Because in Quentin’s hands is a bucket of peaches. 

And in Eliot’s hands is a bucket of plums.

With sheepish grin, Quentin approaches Eliot, who looks glorious in the firelight.

“Hey,” He says softly, and Eliot grins.

“Hey,” Eliot says back, and gestures with his bucket. “Peaches?”

Quentin nods. “Plums,” He answers back.

Eliot feels like his chest is going to burst from love, and the look on Q’s face says the same. They both know what’s about to happen and what this is. 

Quentin looks a little bit like he’s about to cry, but he’s got a smile on his face and he laughs a little bit. “Um, so, you first?”

Eliot doesn’t think, doesn’t doubt himself, he just crosses to Quentin and gets down on one knee and places the bucket of plums at his feet. He looks back up at Q and pushes through the urge to shy away from the wave of emotions passing over him. Not today. He’s going to be braver, just like he learned from Q. Plus he’s got like a whole rehearsed speech in his head.

“Love is hard for me,” Eliot starts. “The idea of committing myself to someone else has always been terrifying and that fear has held me back in so many ways,” Eliot takes a breath to steady himself. “But I love you, Q. And I love getting to chose you every single day.” Quentin is definitely starting to cry a little bit, but Eliot continues courageously. “You’ve always called me your plum,” Eliot states, “And so I give you this bucket of plums as a symbol of me giving myself to you and choosing you. Now. Tomorrow. In fifty years. Forever.”

“Oh, God, El,” Quentin chokes, bringing a hand up to his face, and Eliot can’t help but laugh.

“Q, will you marry me?” Eliot asks, and then Quentin is furiously nodding and spurting out a thousand yes, yes, yeses. He’s nodding and they’re both laughing and Eliot feels like he’s made of air.

Quentin nods and takes a deep breath. His turn now. “So destiny is bullshit,” Eliot makes a little noise in the back of his throat, remembering that day they were crowned kings. This is so much better. “But you,” Quentin breaths. “You are my soulmate. My lifetime love. And I want to spend the next fifty years and the next fifty years and the next eternity with you,”

Quentin looks down at his bucket of peaches, overwhelmed by emotions and bites his lip. “I wanted to give you a bucket of peaches to ask you to marry me because, to me….” He clears his throat and Eliot can see he’s trying to compose himself. “Because, um, when you died, I sent a bucket of peaches to Margo. And that same bucket of peaches is what brought us back our mosaic memories.”

Q looks at Eliot, with such hope and love and devotion in his eyes. “But now I want to use them to create a new memory, of the start of our life together,” Quentin puts the bucket down and gets down on one knee in front of Eliot, their knee caps brushing. “So will you marry me, El?”

“Fuck, yes,” There’s not even a moment’s hesitation from him and then they’re both crying and kissing and that night they feast on peaches and plums and each other.

Quentin and Eliot talk about getting married.

They want a summer, outdoor wedding under a big tree. Or maybe on a beach. They talk about whether to get married on Earth or in Fillory. Debate, more like, but they eventually decide on Earth. They buy the gold wedding rings and Margo keeps them safe until the time to actually put them on. They talk about floral arrangements and color schemes and who they want to invite. They talk to Josh about catering and spend an afternoon in Fillory, tasting the most delicious cakes in the entire multiverse. They talk to Fogg about officiating their wedding. They talk to Julia and Margo about being their Best Men. They talk about their first dance song and if they want to do personal vows or “repeat after me” vows. They talk about all things wedding related and Quentin helps Eliot keep two feet on the ground and level head about the situation and Eliot loves him for it. (“Where were you the last time he got married?” Margo teases.)

Quentin and Eliot talk about the concept of marriage, again.

They talk about their fears and their hopes. They talk about what it’s like to be married to another man in America, and how it’s a fucking revolutionary act. They talk about what marriage means to them, and the commitment it entails. They make a specific distinction between society’s expectations of marriage and how they want to continue moving forward in their lives. They talk about the trauma they’ve endured in the last few years, and acknowledge that they still have a lot of work to go. They talk about the possibility of adopting, and expanding their little family. Because they already are a family with each other and their friends and their cat, but they want to be parents again. They talk about the ways they can best support each other when they have mental health relapses. They talk about all the ways they love each other.

Quentin and Eliot get married.

With exchange of written vows and golden bands, and with a tender kiss in front of all of their friends, they become the Coldwater-Waughs.

Quentin still thinks Coldwaughters would have been better.

[jellodorf]

I wrote custom Arthur x Naga C-S supports!

Placed them just under the cut. I had fun writing these two, as they’re one of my crack ships in FEH. So if any of you wanna see more pairs, let me know, and I just might do it!

[C]

Old Woman: Ohh thank you, kind sir. I don't know what I'd have done without you!

Arthur: You're quite welcome, miss! It is my pleasure to dish out help to all in need!

OW: Oh but dear your head is bleeding! You must have hit yourself on a rock when you dived in that lake to save me!

A: Ah, but this is only a minor wound! A life has been saved, and as far as I am concerned, Justice is served!

OW: Oh, how chivalrous! Are you sure there's nothing I can do to repay you?

A: Oh, there is no need, I assure you. Simply knowing my actions saved the life of an upstanding citizen is more than enough for me!

OW: Oh my, a true Hero! Well I thank you mister Arthur. May the goddess bless the ground you walk on.

...

A: Ahh.... must make it... back to the castle... This head injury is far more severe than I thought... I can even see the castle! Just.... a long... walk....

Naga: ......Ah. It seems he's passed out. *chuckle* Perhaps I'll lend him a small hand.

[ARTHUR AND NAGA HAVE ATTAINED C-SUPPORT]

-------

[B]

A: Ah! Where am I?! .....Eh? My room? I don't remember getting back-

N: Finally awake, are you?

A: GAH! You... Goddess Naga! What are you doing here? You surprised me!

N: Did I? Ah, my apologies. You had passed out, bleeding a fair walk from the castle. I decided to help you home, and to treat that nasty gash on your head.

A: Hm? Oho, so you did! Forgive me for sounding surprised. It seems I had bitten off more than I could chew, not getting that treated right away.

N: Indeed. Though I found the circumstances peculiar. You saved an elderly woman from drowning, yet suffered a fairly gruesome injury due to what I can only assume to be some unfortunately placed rock near the bank of the lake where you dived. While unlucky, what surprised me was you willingly turning away not only treatment, but any reward at all. Is there any particular reason for that?

A: You saw that, hm? Well, not to brag, but being a hero is about more than simple rewards! A true hero has no need for them. The most important thing to me is that the weak and innocent are protected, and the evildoers--be they living beings, or forces of nature--are delivered the justice they deserve!

N: ....You are quite the curious one, Arthur. Your words carry a strong conviction to them, more so than many others. I'd be lying if I said you haven't piqued my curiosity. However, there are things I must be taking care of myself, now that I can be sure you are alright. Our chats will have to wait. Would you be open to chat another time?

A: Of course! A chat with a goddess is quite rare indeed! I look forward to it!

[ARTHUR AND NAGA HAVE ATTAINED B-SUPPORT] ---------

[A]

A: -and THEN there was the time I was struck by lightning twice in the span of 20 minutes while escorting a pregnant woman home through a thunderstorm!

N: My my. How fascinating. Even I did not realize one could be cursed with such bad luck. Yet I cannot notice that neither your heart nor your conviction have waivered from any of this.

A: Well what hero would I be if I were to get discouraged at every failure in life? One must simply take life by stride and do the best they can with every day!

N: I think many people could learn a few things from you.Very rarely do I see someone so positive in life when they go through even a fraction of what you do.

A: Well that is just one thing I try to distill within others. Evil will always be matched, and then overcome!

N: .....Fascinating. I can see within your heart that nothing thus far has even begun to taint your dedication to justice. Such a pure heart is rare, even among history's greatest heroes. Tell me, Arthur, what do you think of the gods?

A: I beg your pardon?

N: The gods and goddesses in the world. Do you find yourself feeling... resentment towards them for cursing you with the luck you have found yourself with?

A: Not at all! I'd never trade my luck for anything. The way I look at things, my luck never seems to directly hurt others. Sometimes, it even helps them. That, and I see my luck as a test of my mettle. If I can survive the things my own luck--or lack thereof--throws at me, then that makes me an even truer hero!

N: ....Well said, Arthur. Sharing these chats has given me new light with which to look upon humanity. I only wish the world had more people like you.

A: Forgive me for saying this, but as do I. I'd love more sidekicks in the name of justice!

[ARTHUR AND NAGA HAVE ATTAINED A-SUPPORT] ---------

[S]

A: Ah! Naga, wonderful timing! I was hoping you'd come up here.

N: So I heard. I saw your letter by my chambers. Is there any particular reason for wanting to meet upon the roof of the castle?

A: Erm.... There was something particular I wished to ask you. Something that I've wanted to ask for some time over the past few weeks we've talked.

N: Oh? Well then I am all ears.

A: Hmmm.... this is difficult to ask now that the time is actually here.

N: Relax, Arthur, it is alright. Just think if you need. I will not leave unless you ask me to do so.

A: Ah, excellent. That's a wonderful relief to hear. Tell me, does being a goddess like yourself get... lonely?

N: Lonely? .....What an interesting question. In a sense, I suppose it does. Dragons already tend to live almost infinitely longer lives than most humans, so forming attachments to them can prove rather difficult and painful in the end. Yet my daughter Tiki has gone on record saying that strong bonds with humans, though often short-lived, can create some of the fondest memories that could never hope to be replaced.

A: I see. That makes my decision easier, but.... Have you formed a particularly strong bond with a human before?

N: A friendship?

A: That, or possibly... anything more?

N: More, hm? Well, there was not many opportunities for me to do so until I appeared here in Askr. As I am revered as a goddess, it is difficult for me to form close bonds with many people without that sort of rift between me and them. Our chats were among the few times I've ever been able to simply talk with a human without feeling like the difference in status drives a wedge further and further between us.

A: I could not agree more! Perhaps at the beginning I may have seen you as more of a goddess than a human, but I am glad we've had our chats. Justice does not let societal differences come between friendships, after all!

N: There's more to what you wanted to say just then, wasn't there?

A: Hm?

N: There's a specific reason you invited me up to the castle roof, is there not?

A: Ah you... are quite perceptive, Naga. Yes, I admit there is. A rather heavy confession that perhaps I have no place making.

N: Oh? Then do tell. You have my attention.

A: How to say it.... I've come to enjoy our chats greatly. Not because of the topics per se, but I find your company in particular to be a relaxing and enjoyable one. It's become something I've looked forward to. And the reason I called you up here today was to show you my personal favorite view in all of Askr.

N: A view of the sunset... it would be nice, if those clouds weren't rolling in.

A: I was hoping tonight would be a clear sky, but... it seems my luck has struck again. I was hoping to tell you something important in view of the sunset.

N: Then why not say it now?

A: ....Perhaps. Naga.... I find myself wanting a different kind of time with you. You said your existence was rather lonely, yes? Well I wish to offer myself to help ease that burden.

N: I don't understand. Are you... suggesting what I think you are, Arthur?

A: Indeed I am. You are a kind soul, as far as I have been able to see. And it pains me to imagine one like you as being lonely in life. So....

N: ....... *chuckle*

A: Naga?

N: Appologies. I just didn't expect this in the slightest. Are you proposing a relationship with me, Arthur?

A: Well....

N: Fascinating. That is the only word I can think to describe this. To think I would have a human falling for me, and that it'd be the human I've found most interesting in a long time.

A: Is that true? I am the most interesting human?

N: In some time, yes. There we're many others like you, but these days they are few and far inbetween. Which makes you unique to me. And special. Very few would have the guts to even consider approaching me with such a proposition. Yet here you are, doing exactly that.

A: I find it's easier to imagine you not as a goddess, but as a person, just like anyone else. I thought that is more along what you would want.

N: You figure correctly. Perhaps... you could assist me in helping the others come to view me as you do?

A: Oh but of course! It would be my honor to introduce you properly to Lady Elise and Effie!

N: You know... I think I'd like that. Very much so. Your life may be but a few weeks in comparison to my own, but I think I would like to be there for what I can of your life.

A: That sounds wonderful! And I shall do my best to leave a mark on your life, and give you a life only a true ally of justice could ever hope for!

N: Justice... I think I very much would like to experience that kind of life. Come, shall we go and meet Effie and Elise together now?

A: Indeed, we shall!

[ARTHUR AND NAGA HAVE ATTAINED S-SUPPORT]

[fire-emblem-heroes-supports]

Summoner/FH!M!Robin C-S Support

Written by @watch-out-for-them

C SUPPORT

(y/n): Robin! I’ve been looking all over for you–

Robin: You would seek to talk to me? Alone? I wouldn’t take you for such a brave soul, Summoner.

(y/n): Oh, Grima, it’s you…You may not be Robin, but I don’t suppose you still have a mind for tactics, then? I’ve been struggling with this map arrangement for some time now.

Robin: You’ve been having trouble with this? Allow me to take care of them. Those worms are nothing to my insurmountable power.

(y/n): Power that’s been significantly lowered, that is. I’ll admit you’re still very formidable here, but Surtr and his armies are a force to be reckoned with. I won’t lose a single ally’s life, and that includes you. Once in battle, I will ensure my allies stay alive.

Robin: Casualties are essential to war, Summoner. Your naivety is… cute, though, thinking you could save every single one of your precious Heroes.

(y/n): Maybe it is a little naive of me to think that such a thing is possible, but I think with the bonds I made with all the heroes here, anything is possible.

Robin: You think your feeble bonds can–

[(y/n) interrupts Robin before he can finish.]

(y/n): Now, if you’re so willing to fight, I want you to head out with Ninian, Tiki, and Myrrh for this next battle. If you really hate humans as much as you claim, I’ll have you fight with some of the other dragons. Maybe you can learn a thing or two from them…

[(y/n) leaves the room.]

Robin: Until we speak again, Summoner.

[(y/n) and Robin have reached support rank C.]

B SUPPORT

(y/n): Grima! What were you thinking that last battle?

Robin: I defeated the enemy, did I not? And your precious Heroes are safe and sound, Summoner.

(y/n): Now, maybe! But you didn’t listen to me at all! I told you how much weaker you had become her in Askr, and yet you charge in anyways. Your reckless behavior not only led to you being injured, but your allies as well. Had back up not arrived when it did, one or more of you could have very well died.

Robin: I don’t need to hear your lectures, Summoner. My wounds have healed and I secured us the victory. As I said before; casualties are a part of war.

(y/n): All I’m asking is you act with a little more caution, Grima. If not for your own self interest, than for me, and all the Heroes here who want to end this conflict with as little bloodshed as can be.

Robin: You ask this of me, and yet what do I get in return? You humans are quick to ask for your God’s favor only to shun them when they do as you ask. No, Summoner, I will continue to do as I please. If your Heroes die on the battlefield, it is no fault of mine.

[Robin walks away, shaking his head.]

(y/n): Grima– I…! I didn’t realize what I was… I must have sounded so rude to him, knowing what he’s been through in the past. I’ll have to consider that next time I talk to him…

[(y/n) and Robin have reached support rank B.]

A SUPPORT

(y/n): Grima, wait just a moment please.

Robin: What is it you want now, Summoner? To ask for further unrequited favors?  

(y/n): No I… wanted to apologize. About that, actually.

Robin: An apology?

(y/n): Yes, Grima. I realize that your the “feared Fell Dragon”, but it was rude of to ask that of you, especially when I did not expect to give anything in return. It was ignorant of me to think that after all you’ve been through–

Robin: Enough, Summoner. I do not need your pity, nor will I tolerate it.

(y/n) I see. Then, please bear in mind my apology, and my new proposal; if you act more carefully in battle, I’d be willing to do something in return for you. So long as it isn’t too malicious, that is.

Robin: How curious. You willingly offer something to me? I’ll accept your apology, and your offer… (y/n).

(y/n): That’s wonderful, Grima! I’m glad your willing to hear me out and be so civil about the whole thing. I was worried you had lost all trust in me…

Robin: You think I trust you?

(y/n): Well, I trust you, Grima. Is it such a bold thing to say? I think if you wanted me dead, you would have tried an attempt a long time ago.

Robin: Very well, (y/n), we’ll see just how far your trust in me will take you.

[(y/n) and Robin have reached support rank A.]

S SUPPORT

(y/n): Grima, how do you fare?

Robin: (y/n), am I really so interesting you must constantly seek me out?

(y/n): Maybe so, Grima. But I was just checking on all the Heroes, like I usually do. You’re no exception to the rule. I have to make sure everyone is happy after all.

Robin: You want all the Heroes happiness? Don’t be foolish, (y/n), tell me what you really desire.

(y/n): Thinking I’m naive again Grima? I know it’s a bit of an unrealistic dream, but every time I make a Hero happy, I become a little happier myself. The day I make you smile will be quite the treat!

[Just then, Grima smiles at (y/n).]

Robin: Well then, I suppose it’s your lucky day, (y/n).

(y/n): What’s got you acting all nice, Grima? I’m almost concerned.

Robin: I’ve finally decided what I want in return from you, for acting more cautiously on the battlefield and… protecting your little Heroes.

(y/n): O-oh, and what’s that?

Robin: Feeling nervous now, (y/n)?

(y/n): I don’t think you can blame me, Grima.

Robin: No, I suppose not. I’ve decided that… You are to remain at my side, once this is all over.

(y/n): You mean–

Robin: No, (y/n), I don’t need another mindless Grimleal. You’ve become… a problem. A weakness of sorts.

(y/n): Do my ears deceive me? Is the Fell Dragon admitting his love to a mere worm?

Robin: Hush, and dare not speak of this. You are to remain close to me, so I can ensure your protection at all times.

(y/n): *giggling* … Whatever you say, dearest Grima. Oh and… I do love you, if that holds any weight to you.

Robin: I… care as well. But I am unfamiliar with…

(y/n): Don’t worry, we have so much time, Grima.

[(y/n) and Robin have reached support rank S.]

Confession quote:

FH!Robin: I had thought at all humans were mere worms, pointless obstacles in my path of destruction. However, you have shown me that perhaps there may still be something of worth in humans. Please, remain by my side and show me that what I have forgotten…

[invenblocker]

Some refinement update ideas I have brought up on Discord

Eliwood: Durandal

Mt: 16

Effective against dragons. If unit innitiates combat, grants Atk+8 during combat.

Refinements:

+3 HP. If unit’s HP ≤ 50% and unit innitiates combat against foe that can counter, unit makes guaranteed follow-up attack.

+5 HP, +2 mt.

+5 HP, +3 spd.

+5 HP, +4 def.

+5 HP, +4 res.

First of all, instead of Durandal’s puny built in Death Blow 2, let Death Blow 4 take the reins. Secondly, make it effective against dragons like it was in the base game. After that, there’s multiple options for Eliwood’s refine effect. I had originally proposed Bold Fighter 3, but after realising how broken that would be, I instead propose to just use the same refine effect as Sol Katti does. With Desperation in the B-slot and double stacked DB4, that could still make for an incredibly potent player’s phase. Eliwood would still suffer in opponent’s phase, but at least he’d be good at something.

Laslow: Dancer’s Blade

Mt: 16

If a movement Assist skill (like Reposition,\nShove, Pivot, etc.) is used by unit or targets\nunit, grants Def/Res+6 to unit and target ally or unit and targeting ally for 1 turn.

Refinements:

+3 HP. Grants bonus to Atk/Spd/Def/Res = highest bonus on allies within 2 spaces during combat. Calculates each stat bonus independently.

+5 HP, +2 mt.

+5 HP, +3 spd.

+5 HP, +4 def.

+5 HP, +4 res.

This refine serves to give Laslow more options as a support hero, as well as to improve his capabilities in opponent’s phase. Paired with Atk/Spd Link (not an actual skill at the moment, with the exception of the built in version in Odin’s Grimoire), he’d be able to easily +6 buff himself and any one single ally on all four stats. And thanks to the refine effect on the weapon (same as Sieglinde’s refine effect), he’d be able to further +6 all of his stats. This grants him a passable defensive spread of 42/34. His speed will be at 38 which should help prevent most non skill assisted follow ups and his atk reaching 63 should allow him to deal some notable damage with the quick riposte seal. Panic is an obvious weakness to this set, and his defensive bulk still leaves much to be desired, but he’d be able to perform somewhat well with this weapon.

Ninian: Thor’s Ire

Mt: 16

Accelerates Special Trigger (Cooldown count -1). Unit calculates damage using lower of foe’s def/res.

Refinements:

+3 HP. When unit uses an assist skill, grants Special Charge -1 to unit and target ally.

+5 HP, +2 mt.

+5 HP, +3 spd.

+5 HP, +4 def.

+5 HP, +4 res.

The idea for this breath is to increase Ninian’s supportive power by allowing her to boost the special trigger of any ally she dances. At the same time, having reflective damage against all targets instead of just the ranged ones, an accelerated special trigger and the ability to reduce her cooldown without entering combat grants a method for her to overcome her low atk.

Nowi: no name yet

Mt: 16

Accelerates Special Trigger (Cooldown count -1). If foe’s range = 2, unit calculates damage using lower of foe’s def/res.

+3 HP. Enables counterattack regardless of distance if unit is attacked.

+5 HP, +2 mt.

+5 HP, +3 spd.

+5 HP, +4 def.

+5 HP, +4 res.

A pretty straight forward one, grants Nowi a DC accelerated trigger weapon. This combo can be run with Fierce/Steady/Warding Breath and Quick Riposte in order to run guaranteed Aether oppononent’s phase sets. While powerful, one should keep in mind that similar sets can be attained with all physical armors, this simply makes her the first non armor to be able to do this. Nowi might be a powerful prescense, but Tiki has powercrept her completely and this would allow her to function in a diferent area from her.

[game-boy-pocket]

It’s been a long time since my last one, but in light of recent events, I think it’s time for another one of My Nintendo Wishes. This one turned out longer that I had hoped, but you have no idea how hard it is to trim these down and still say everything I want to say.

Bring back King K. Rool as the main villain of the Donkey Kong series!

This is actually a post I was going to make eventually regardless of weather or not K. Rool was confirmed for Smash Bros. His reveal just moved it up ahead of time.

King K. Rool has been absent from the video game scene for 10 years now.  There have been other baddies rising up to take his place. Ghastly King. Tiki Tong. Lord Fredrick. I guarantee you nobody will remember these guys in 10 years. Hell does anybody remember Ghastly King at all?  But K. Rool? Well, he got in because people were clamoring for him. People remember him. Hell, just look at the reaction at the Nintendo NYC store, it speaks for itself.

I get it, Retro Studios made Tikis and Snowmads to be different from K. Rool to establish themselves as a new thing. good effort, but there are better ways to leave your mark on a series. Especially a series that hadn’t seen a traditional outing in so many years, give the recurring villain a break after years in service, not years of being MIA.

People don’t just love K. Rool because he’s familiar. People love him because he’s crazy, over the top, and has a huge personality. More personality than most Nintendo villains ever get to have. He’s known to fake defeat to drop the player’s guard. He’s a loon that likes to dress up in costumes and take aliases. He builds giant mobile sea fortresses in his own image. There’s a lot to love about this guy.

And with his appearance in Smash, he’s on track for a comeback. My proposal for the next DKC game is that they lean into the fact that he’s been out of the game for a while, his cape is tattered, he’s battered and bruised, he comes to DK in desperation, as his own island is overrun by some new menace. DK refuses, but something happens to force him to work with K. Rool.  That’s right, I want K. Rool to actually be playable in the next DKC game... Of course at the very end he betrays the ape and reclaims his status as the true final boss. And this would be the game that sets the stage for the future of the DKC series.

[howling-harpy]

Soul wrestling [BoB daemon AU]

Word count: 1200 Rating: G

Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction based on HBO’s dramatic tv series and the actors’ portrayals in it. This has nothing to do with any real person represented in the series, and no disrespect is meant.  Previously about daemon AU: 1 & 2

A/N: I’m back on my magical realism nonsense and I cannot be stopped. Even by myself.

*

It was getting rowdy in a certain mess hall in the town of Aldbourne. It was a night during the first week in reserve safely back in England, and the men had had enough time to fully realize that they had made it that far. After settling in, getting a bath, changing into clean uniforms and getting a hot meal the atmosphere was steadily on the rise. Every familiar face that came along held a shot of pure joy and relief, and since beer was available as well, by the nightfall everyone was more or less drunk on company, life and alcohol. 

Groups for gambling were forming at almost every table, money, cigarettes, chocolate, bubblegum and loose ammo changed hands, and when men got more drunk and grew bored of the usual games, they invented new ones. 

Poker and darts morphed into one complex game with a side of truth and dare that ruined a few decks of cards, and after Luz demonstrated his perfect no-lean hand-stand, other games based on physical ability gathered a crowd. Special skills turned quickly into arm-wrestling, and arm-wrestling into regular wrestling. Tables were pushed aside to clear more floorspace, and it was on. The newest game and the height of the evening started – unsurprisingly – with Joe Liebgott and Alley More. Liebgott lost an arm-wrestling match to More, and the sore loser he was he pointed at his badger daemon and declared that even if he lost at arm-wrestling his daemon could beat More's wheaten terrier daemon any day. The daemons were naturally just as intoxicated as their humans, and since Liebgott's badger Tiki was maybe even rowdier than her human, the game of daemon fighting was on. The badger did win the wheaten terrier, for despite her cuddly appearance Tiki was as ferocious as a real badger. Next Tiki took on Muck's red fox, then Malarkey's raccoon, winning them both, but Joe Toye's wild cat proved too fast and tough an opponent even for her. Tiki had to give way for Felicia, who fluffed her impressive brown mane and let her piercing gaze circle other daemons in the audience, silently challenging anyone to try her. Toye applauded his daemon. “That's how it's done, Felix!” he said with a chuckle, and Felicia swished her tail back at him. Surprisingly, the first brave challenger for Felicia was Luz's guenon monkey Fael, who jumped from his human's shoulder to the wrestling circle and bowed and offered his hand to the wild cat like asking a lady to dance. The following match was not really a fight, but rather the monkey running screaming in circles with the single-minded wild cat on his tail, and when the cat finally leaped and got the monkey in her paws, Fael fell dramatically on the floor and acted out his death scene like an opera performer. Howling laughter from the crowd followed, and Fael did a round of deep bows to his audience before climbing back on Luz' shoulder, both of them grinning from ear to ear. After that, matches with daemons hilariously mismatched in size and power started to form as if the spectacle itself was more important than anything else. A new round of beers was proposed, and the earlier serious competitiveness was quickly forgotten. New victor in power was found when Buck Compton and his mountain goat got their turn, but when challengers started to test them the spectacle in the wrestling circle looked more like a cartoon rodeo than anything else. The goat was jumping, tossing and thrashing with Bill Guarnere's marten daemon hanging onto his horn, screaming “I got him! I got him!” when the fun was interrupted by a loud command and a sharp howl supporting it: “Company! Settle down!” The noise died down quickly, the circle broke and men searched for the source of the sound. Compton's daemon stilled with Guarnere's marten Tonya still hanging from his horns. The yeller had been Lipton and the howler his shepherd dog daemon, but with them were Welsh, Winters and Nixon as well, showing various amounts of amusement. “At ease, company,” Winters told them, “we came around to see what all the noise was about. Care to explain?” Glances were exchanged and throats were cleared as men tried to stifle their smiles and reach some mutual decision about whose duty it was to explain. Liebgott, the root of the chaos, had already shuffled aside and was sat down at one of the tables, innocently sipping a beer with Tiki on the bench by his side, as unassuming-looking as she ever was. Finally Compton did his duty as the ranking officer, raised his hand and spoke up: “We made some updates on arm-wrestling, sir. This is... Probably a daemon wrestling ring. A struggle of fighting spirits, I suppose.” He gestured towards the now clearly visible floorspace where his mountain goat stood with Tonya on top of his head. By the door Lipton looked down to hide his smile, whereas by his side Nixon and Welsh didn't even bother hiding their grins. Only Winters looked neutral, save for a quirk of brows as he took in the wrestling match between a goat and a marten. “Well that hardly seems matched,” he noted. “Only complaint I really have for you is the noise. I was told there's an actual fight happening here, so I suggest that you take it down a notch, put the tables where they belong, and enjoy your free evening with a bit more manners.” He eyed each one in the crowd, and got a mumbled “yes, sir” in return. A half of a smile twitched briefly on Winters' face. “Unless it's a winner you want before settling down? We could all go a few rounds.” He nodded pointedly at his daemon Ruth, who was calmly sitting by his side. As if to make the offering more serious, the lioness stood up and let her golden gaze pierce the daemons like her human was eying the men. A beat of time passed in silence before Compton saved the rest: “That won't be necessary, sir. Let's clean up, boys!” And with that, everyone hurried to put the mess in order like it was supposed to be, and despite not having participated Lipton excused himself from the officers and joined them to gather empty glasses. Winters, Nixon and Welsh watched them clean up for a moment to make sure they really took it seriously, and after making sure the situation was under control, they turned and walked out, strolling along the wide, green yard. When safely out of the hearing range, Nix let out a sharp laugh and elbowed Dick. “You just had to, huh?” Dick nudged him back and pretended he didn't get Nix's meaning. “They just needed to quiet down for the night. It's getting late and we are quests here.” Harry snickered. “Yeah, right.” Nix leaned forward and grinned at Harry past Dick. “Mark this day, Harry! The rule is, anyone with a lion daemon will show off, and no, our good Lieutenant Winters is not an exception.” “Oh, I thought you meant him showing he has a sense of humor after all,” Harry said. Nix raised a finger and threw an arm around Dick's shoulders. “An excellent point! Two marks for the day!”

[johnboothus]

As Football Returns Largely Without Fans Homegating Is the New Tailgating

By 7 p.m. the cars started turning off Route 1 in Saugus, 10 miles north of Boston, and funneling into the parking lot of Kowloon, a kitschy, 1,200-seat Mandarin restaurant and tiki bar originally opened in 1950. This being a pandemic and all, none of these customers had any plans to enter the restaurant, and few were even going to get out of their cars. They were there to watch a massive, 40-foot by 20-foot outdoor screen that would be projecting that night’s New England Patriots game versus the Seattle Seahawks, as well as drinking and eating during what the restaurant called its first ever Sunday Night Tailgate.

“The Patriots are not allowing anybody to tailgate in the [Gillette Stadium] parking lots,” explains Adam Benoit. He’s a director at The Greg Hill Foundation, the eponymous local sports talk host’s charity that organized the event as a fundraiser. Tickets were $75 per car, with à la carte, car-hopped dining options that included everything from crab rangoon to Mai Tais. It didn’t get too out of hand. “Patriots fans are more subdued than most fan bases — that comes with the success of the team. But, there is clearly still a rabid fan base who wants to get out and watch games together,” Benoit says.

For many Americans, the revelry and community surrounding football are more important than the actual games themselves. The arrival of fall means loading up the car, or RV if you’re truly committed, and driving to stadium parking lots across the nation to grill meats, toss cornhole bags, and drink heavily. But what happens when the games are going on but fans aren’t allowed in the stadium, and, in many cases, even the parking lots? For many football nuts, they are finding new avenues for pursuing their passion.

“I just love the experience of tailgating,” says Jim McGreevy, a Chicago Bears obsessive who has had season tickets for 20 years. For home games, he typically wakes up at 6 a.m. so he can get from his suburban Schaumburg house to Soldier Field by 8 a.m. in order to be one of the first five cars in the South Lot premium section, the premier place to tailgate. When he realized that would be an impossibility this year, he decided to tailgate the home opener in his driveway instead.

“I have a 28-year-old daughter who was planning to come. She asked, ‘What time are you starting?’ ‘Lot opens at 8 a.m.,’” McGreevy joked, though indeed, he did have everything set up that early.

He strictly invited his friends, about 30 people, who also tailgate with him at the stadium. Lawn chairs were placed at a social distance on his driveway and front yard and food was prepared in individual portions to prevent any unnecessary handling. A regional sales manager for American Beverage Marketers, McGreevy also had all his products on hand, like Loaded Bloody Mary Mixer, even arranging enormous inflatables on his lawn. By the end of the day the ad hoc tailgate had gone through nine bottles of Champagne, five bottles of vodka, 12 cases of beer, and, of course, some Jeppson’s Malört. The Bears also defeated the New York Giants, 17 to 13.

“It really did feel like a tailgate,” claims McGreevy, who is unsure if he will do it for future games, though he would like to. He’s trying to be as Covid-conscious as possible, while keeping his traditions intact. “I really do want to maintain this as much as possible,” he says.

Still, this is ’murica, of course, and some fans aren’t as respectful as McGreevy. Many, in fact, just refuse to accept that things are going to have to be a little different this year, even if some tailgating meccas, like Penn State’s State College, Pa., are currently overrun with Covid cases.

That’s especially true in the South, not just a Covid hot spot, but a college football hotbed, where Saturday tailgating is a way of life. If around 30 schools like Alabama, the University of Oklahoma, and Louisville are allowing restricted-capacity fans to actually attend their games, these same schools are mostly trying to completely curb tailgating. (Insert plenty of lame jokes about “peaceful protesting” in the parking lot.) Some have still figured a way around these restrictions, however.

“We put together a proposal that outlined and used Gov. Greg Abbott’s guidelines for the state, Department of State Health Services, and put it into a proposal on how we can do a special event that’s socially responsible,” explains Ryan Lepper, who owns Horn-Ball Texas Tailgaters.

Some 18,000 fans attended the University of Texas’s Sept. 12 home opener against UTEP at the 100,119-seat-capacity Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium, and Lepper’s company had the only state-approved tailgate outside it. They set up operations in a private parking lot on 18th and Trinity Street, just across from the stadium. Groups could book their own 10-foot by 10-foot, socially distant tent with chairs, tables, and a trash can, food and drink provided by masked servers (costing upward of $500 per group). This was not the typically raucous Horn-Ball tailgates of years past, which have included Fireball ice luges and beer pong, but it still scratched the itch for many Longhorn fans.

“It was just great to be outside, near the stadium, having some drinks,” one attendee, Aubrey, told me. “Ice block drink ramp or not.”

Meanwhile some colleges, such as Clemson and South Carolina, as well as five NFL teams like the Dallas Cowboys and Kansas City Chiefs, don’t have official bans on tailgating, but are still imploring fans to, say it with me, follow guidelines. Masks and social distancing and pods and, please, no “large buffet-style spreads.” But, you try adhering to all that after a keg stand.

“I don’t think the tailgates this year are quite as rambunctious as they used to be,” explains Craig Renfro, the owner and editor-in-chief of Tailgater Magazine, a print periodical with over a quarter-million subscribers. He’s a longtime Cowboys and Texas A&M fan and a passionate tailgater. “You’re just not seeing the craziness of years past,” he says.

At other stadiums, though, the issue of what is and isn’t “tailgating” seems to lie less on health standards and more on pedantry and placating outside observers.

“Georgia is technically not allowing tailgating but they say they will allow people who come to the games together to ‘gather near their vehicles,’ whatever that means,” explains Amanda Mull, a Brooklyn-based writer for The Atlantic, and a big-time UGA fan. “Basically, I think they are trying to ban big tailgates while still letting people tailgate, but being able to tell media that they have ‘banned tailgating.’”

Still, for the vast majority of football fans, tailgating this year will be exclusively done at home, and all sorts of companies are stepping in trying to take advantage of the big pivot to “homegating.” Like the Tailgate Guys, an Auburn, Ala.-based company which, in a normal football season, rents and sets up a variety of tailgating packaging (including tents, coolers, cocktail tables, and even mounted DISH televisions) for fans at nearly 50 schools and three NFL cities. This season they are selling the #TailgateAnywhere package, offering their services to any home or business within 100 miles of their 17 warehouses.

Meanwhile, Lowe’s is hoping you’ll stock up on a variety of chairs, canopies, grills, and even inflatables to build your own NFL-worthy homegate. Sam’s Club too has an entire homegate section on its website, touting everything from frozen waffle fries to 82-inch TVs. There’s even Homefield Tailgate, which will literally sell you a tailgate, sans the rest of the truck. For the diehard who wants to cosplay hanging out in parking space.

“We’ve pivoted ourselves — yeah, the magazine is titled Tailgater, but our motto has always been ‘Your parking lot and backyard BBQ entertainment guide,’” explains Renfro. “We’ve always positioned it as, if you think about it, 80,000 go to a game, but millions watch at home and always have and always will. But you can still cookout on the grill and drink beer and cocktails.”

And, while admittedly none of that is as good as crushing Bud Lights and ice-luging Fireball in a scenic Meadowlands parking space, it does offer one advantage over traditional tailgating.

When the game is over, you don’t have to drive home.

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[wineanddinosaur]

As Football Returns Largely Without Fans, ‘Homegating’ Is the New Tailgating

By 7 p.m. the cars started turning off Route 1 in Saugus, 10 miles north of Boston, and funneling into the parking lot of Kowloon, a kitschy, 1,200-seat Mandarin restaurant and tiki bar originally opened in 1950. This being a pandemic and all, none of these customers had any plans to enter the restaurant, and few were even going to get out of their cars. They were there to watch a massive, 40-foot by 20-foot outdoor screen that would be projecting that night’s New England Patriots game versus the Seattle Seahawks, as well as drinking and eating during what the restaurant called its first ever Sunday Night Tailgate.

“The Patriots are not allowing anybody to tailgate in the [Gillette Stadium] parking lots,” explains Adam Benoit. He’s a director at The Greg Hill Foundation, the eponymous local sports talk host’s charity that organized the event as a fundraiser. Tickets were $75 per car, with à la carte, car-hopped dining options that included everything from crab rangoon to Mai Tais. It didn’t get too out of hand. “Patriots fans are more subdued than most fan bases — that comes with the success of the team. But, there is clearly still a rabid fan base who wants to get out and watch games together,” Benoit says.

For many Americans, the revelry and community surrounding football are more important than the actual games themselves. The arrival of fall means loading up the car, or RV if you’re truly committed, and driving to stadium parking lots across the nation to grill meats, toss cornhole bags, and drink heavily. But what happens when the games are going on but fans aren’t allowed in the stadium, and, in many cases, even the parking lots? For many football nuts, they are finding new avenues for pursuing their passion.

“I just love the experience of tailgating,” says Jim McGreevy, a Chicago Bears obsessive who has had season tickets for 20 years. For home games, he typically wakes up at 6 a.m. so he can get from his suburban Schaumburg house to Soldier Field by 8 a.m. in order to be one of the first five cars in the South Lot premium section, the premier place to tailgate. When he realized that would be an impossibility this year, he decided to tailgate the home opener in his driveway instead.

“I have a 28-year-old daughter who was planning to come. She asked, ‘What time are you starting?’ ‘Lot opens at 8 a.m.,’” McGreevy joked, though indeed, he did have everything set up that early.

He strictly invited his friends, about 30 people, who also tailgate with him at the stadium. Lawn chairs were placed at a social distance on his driveway and front yard and food was prepared in individual portions to prevent any unnecessary handling. A regional sales manager for American Beverage Marketers, McGreevy also had all his products on hand, like Loaded Bloody Mary Mixer, even arranging enormous inflatables on his lawn. By the end of the day the ad hoc tailgate had gone through nine bottles of Champagne, five bottles of vodka, 12 cases of beer, and, of course, some Jeppson’s Malört. The Bears also defeated the New York Giants, 17 to 13.

“It really did feel like a tailgate,” claims McGreevy, who is unsure if he will do it for future games, though he would like to. He’s trying to be as Covid-conscious as possible, while keeping his traditions intact. “I really do want to maintain this as much as possible,” he says.

Still, this is ’murica, of course, and some fans aren’t as respectful as McGreevy. Many, in fact, just refuse to accept that things are going to have to be a little different this year, even if some tailgating meccas, like Penn State’s State College, Pa., are currently overrun with Covid cases.

That’s especially true in the South, not just a Covid hot spot, but a college football hotbed, where Saturday tailgating is a way of life. If around 30 schools like Alabama, the University of Oklahoma, and Louisville are allowing restricted-capacity fans to actually attend their games, these same schools are mostly trying to completely curb tailgating. (Insert plenty of lame jokes about “peaceful protesting” in the parking lot.) Some have still figured a way around these restrictions, however.

“We put together a proposal that outlined and used Gov. Greg Abbott’s guidelines for the state, Department of State Health Services, and put it into a proposal on how we can do a special event that’s socially responsible,” explains Ryan Lepper, who owns Horn-Ball Texas Tailgaters.

Some 18,000 fans attended the University of Texas’s Sept. 12 home opener against UTEP at the 100,119-seat-capacity Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium, and Lepper’s company had the only state-approved tailgate outside it. They set up operations in a private parking lot on 18th and Trinity Street, just across from the stadium. Groups could book their own 10-foot by 10-foot, socially distant tent with chairs, tables, and a trash can, food and drink provided by masked servers (costing upward of $500 per group). This was not the typically raucous Horn-Ball tailgates of years past, which have included Fireball ice luges and beer pong, but it still scratched the itch for many Longhorn fans.

“It was just great to be outside, near the stadium, having some drinks,” one attendee, Aubrey, told me. “Ice block drink ramp or not.”

Meanwhile some colleges, such as Clemson and South Carolina, as well as five NFL teams like the Dallas Cowboys and Kansas City Chiefs, don’t have official bans on tailgating, but are still imploring fans to, say it with me, follow guidelines. Masks and social distancing and pods and, please, no “large buffet-style spreads.” But, you try adhering to all that after a keg stand.

“I don’t think the tailgates this year are quite as rambunctious as they used to be,” explains Craig Renfro, the owner and editor-in-chief of Tailgater Magazine, a print periodical with over a quarter-million subscribers. He’s a longtime Cowboys and Texas A&M fan and a passionate tailgater. “You’re just not seeing the craziness of years past,” he says.

At other stadiums, though, the issue of what is and isn’t “tailgating” seems to lie less on health standards and more on pedantry and placating outside observers.

“Georgia is technically not allowing tailgating but they say they will allow people who come to the games together to ‘gather near their vehicles,’ whatever that means,” explains Amanda Mull, a Brooklyn-based writer for The Atlantic, and a big-time UGA fan. “Basically, I think they are trying to ban big tailgates while still letting people tailgate, but being able to tell media that they have ‘banned tailgating.’”

Still, for the vast majority of football fans, tailgating this year will be exclusively done at home, and all sorts of companies are stepping in trying to take advantage of the big pivot to “homegating.” Like the Tailgate Guys, an Auburn, Ala.-based company which, in a normal football season, rents and sets up a variety of tailgating packaging (including tents, coolers, cocktail tables, and even mounted DISH televisions) for fans at nearly 50 schools and three NFL cities. This season they are selling the #TailgateAnywhere package, offering their services to any home or business within 100 miles of their 17 warehouses.

Meanwhile, Lowe’s is hoping you’ll stock up on a variety of chairs, canopies, grills, and even inflatables to build your own NFL-worthy homegate. Sam’s Club too has an entire homegate section on its website, touting everything from frozen waffle fries to 82-inch TVs. There’s even Homefield Tailgate, which will literally sell you a tailgate, sans the rest of the truck. For the diehard who wants to cosplay hanging out in parking space.

“We’ve pivoted ourselves — yeah, the magazine is titled Tailgater, but our motto has always been ‘Your parking lot and backyard BBQ entertainment guide,’” explains Renfro. “We’ve always positioned it as, if you think about it, 80,000 go to a game, but millions watch at home and always have and always will. But you can still cookout on the grill and drink beer and cocktails.”

And, while admittedly none of that is as good as crushing Bud Lights and ice-luging Fireball in a scenic Meadowlands parking space, it does offer one advantage over traditional tailgating.

When the game is over, you don’t have to drive home.

The article As Football Returns Largely Without Fans, ‘Homegating’ Is the New Tailgating appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/football-homegating-tailgating/

[evil-is-relative]

I heard a ladybug story and now I’m curious… plz do tell.

The idea is pretty simple and tropey (as is Miraculous so I'm not ashamed (#memory loss, #Gabriel's A+ parenting, #Marichat, #one-sided reveal)), and it already wouldn't work with the current season 4 plot. I might rework it after the season, but I don't know if it'll ever see the inside of a word document. Anyway, it basically went like this:

Thief discovers lost Miraculous of something that also likes stealing (magpie comes to mind). The special ability of this Miraculous? Stealing memories (you can already see where this is going).

Likes to steal the memories of the guards as they go and just kinda...doesn't give them back most of the time. Leaves long line of robberies and amnesiac guards in their wake as a consequence.

SuperThief (working name) Goes To Paris because Paris=art

Hawkmoth figures out this is a lost Miraculous. Good on Gabriel for having eyes.

Ladybug and Chat Noir go to fight this new villain, not really knowing what they're in for.

Hawkmoth Akumatizes SuperThief to take the team's Miraculous, but they tell Hawkmoth they only take "clients" they've met face to face, and slink off into the shadows after first battle with Ladybug and Chat.

Battle across the city leaves several dozen people amnesiacs, but the Miraculous Cure fixes it.

Hawkmoth and SuperThief meet up, only to reveal they don't WANT to get the superheroes' Miraculous for Hawkmoth. They want them for themself! In fact, they want Hawkmoth's, too!

SuperThief and Hawkmoth fight, Ladybug and Chat show up, three-way fight as they chase each other around. Among places that get blasted is, of course, part of the school.

Ladybug needs to recharge Tiki, and is thus untransformed when the school is hit, and Chat quickly realizes he's on his own, Ladybug was hit in the latest wave, he has NO IDEA who she is, and only her Miraculous Cure can fix all these people. Including her.

Marinette meanwhile is surrounded by people all the way to the hospital, so Tiki can't talk to her. Then she has to take out her earrings for an MRI, and Tiki can't contact her at all. The Ladybug Earrings go into her desk drawer.

Adrien goes home to find a frantic Nathalie. Apparently, his dad was also hit by a blast! Nathalie inadvertently twists the knife by lying that his dad was going to surprise him by picking him up from school, grasping at straws for a reason Gabriel would have left the house at all. Adrien, of course, believes her and feels Extra Bad.

With half the students and teachers not knowing their reflection from a poster of Adrien Agrest, school is temporarily closed. Adrien is confined to his room, but no one is really checking on him as Nathalie desperately tries to find a way to restore Gabriel. He spends more time out as Chat than home as Adrien.

Alya is unaffected, but Nino is. She asks Adrien if he can visit or call once in a while to help her try to jog his memories. Chat recalls this while out, and sees Marinette on her balcony. Cue lots of Marichat scenes as this visit becomes a regular thing.

Gabriel is asking lots of uncomfortable questions about his life and what he actually does all day. Nathalie, hoping to spark his memory, shows him the sanctum. It jogs nothing, but does rekindle that old Gabriel obsession to a cause. In this case, getting his memory back. To this goal, Nathalie decides to become Mayura again.

Chat gets a surprise visit from Mayura, telling him that she knows Ladybug has lost her memory (why else would Chat be the only one fighting?), and that Hawkmoth has, as well. Therefore, she proposes a temporary team-up.

Chat initially says no. He reluctantly agrees the next time he visits Marinette, and she's near-tears about her inability to remember anything, and the way it's hurting her parents and the friends that visit her.

Plagg takes the Ladybug Earrings from her drawer and leaves them atop her dresser. He wants to give them to Adrien, but he's afraid he'll figure out where he got them.

Mayura and Chat go after SuperThief, the plan to corner him and have Chat destroy the Akuma, preventing SuperThief from taking memories from more than one person at a time, and perhaps temporarily giving back the memories to those affected while under the Akuma. When this doesn't work, Chat finds himself seeking out Marinette, because where else is he going to go? Home????

He sees the earring box on her dresser, recognizes it as just like the one he got the Ring from, and comes to the inescapable conclusion that Marinette is Ladybug.

Talking Marinette through being a Miraculous user ("It's a talking bug-thing!") they go face SuperThief. Chat distracts him while having Ladybug focus only on making a Lucky Charm, and casting the Miraculous Cure. The Lucky Charm is just a replica of the SuperThief's Miraculous item, which allows Chat to Cataclysm it.

The Miraculous Cure returns everything to normal. Since the Charm was made against the Miraculous itself, and not just its Akumatized form, all the damage done since the Thief found their Miraculous is undone.

No one remembers their time without memory, including Ladybug. Knowing their secret identities are important to her, Chat tells her that Tiki guided her, and gives her the Thief's restored Miraculous.

That night, Chat goes to "check on" Marinette now that her memory has been returned. He tells her she was incredibly important to him during the time she can't remember, and that she helped keep him hopeful. He gives her a kiss on the cheek, a salute, and heads off, leaving poor Marinette to go "wtf?" and Tiki rolling her eyes.

Adrien decides against asking Marinette on a date out of the blue, but does decide he should spend more time with her, and see if he can get to know this slightly more nuanced side of his lady.

Meanwhile, Gabriel is restored, he doesn't have a new Miraculous, but he does have his memory, so he monologues to his comatose wife for a while before heading to bed. He pays Adrien a visit as an afterthought.

The Thief goes to jail, and things return to normal in Paris.

[thegloober]

Beautiful wedding in Cyprus with white and green hues

The gorgeous lovebirds of today’s wedding decided to seal their love in Tochni, one of the oldest villages of Cyprus island. Liza and Hector dreamed of a wedding that combines elegant and rustic style together. After their beautiful ceremony, the couple and their guests celebrated their love in an outdoor venue which was adorned with wooden tables, ghost chairs, greenery garlands, fresh white flowers and gorgeous gold tableware. The dominant hues were white, green and brown which were the perfect choice for such a beautiful rustic chic wedding! See all the details of this dreamy wedding through the following photos by Louis Gabriel Photography!

The bride shared with us: “We first met at a student Halloween party in Manchester, UK, but our story really began a year later. After a few years together, we went on what I believed was no more than our next little adventure together – a beach holiday trip to Santorini and Zakynthos. On our second day in Santorini, we decided to go on an island tour ahead of the date night Hector had arranged for us at some ‘famous fish restaurant’ that evening. As the tour went on, and we obviously ran late, I could tell that Hector was getting more and more nervous about ‘missing our reservation’. More nervous than I’d ever expect him to be about running late for a dinner reservation. Long story short, it all finally made sense when I realized that Hector had actually planned so much more than just another romantic date night. He’d planned out a beautiful and private evening for the two of us, kicked off with an unexpected intimate proposal at our dinner on the beach surrounded by candles and tiki torches.”

“The ceremony took place in the rustic and beautiful 19th-century Agios Constantinos and Agia Eleni church in Tochni village. The church is located on the sacred ground where Roman Emperor Constantine’s mother Helena had built a temple when visiting the island. The ceremony and prayers were led by two priests who performed the wedding ceremony in Greek, English and Russian. We mainly picked Cyprus as our destination to ensure that Hector’s grandmothers could attend and celebrate with us, but of course the warm weather was a lovely bonus! With friends and family travelling in from 13 countries across the globe, we wanted to ensure that the location would also make a perfect holiday spot (so we could spend a little more time with them too).”

“I wanted a wedding dress that not only looked great, but to also matched the overall theme of the wedding. It all came together in the classy and elegant dress by an Italian designer Eddy K from his exclusive Sky collection. It was an ivory, mermaid style backless dress made with exquisite and delicate lace, and a long train.”

“Funny enough, the favourite moment of our wedding is the same for both of us – first seeing each other before the ceremony. I was coming up the stairs that lead to the church with my heart pounding, worrying about whether Hector would like the way I looked and all the things that could possibly go wrong. However, the moment I saw Hector and his reaction, time froze and for a few moments it felt like there was no one else around. There was something very special in that moment of pure happiness and excitement to beginning a life-long adventure together.”

“The goal was an evening that felt both enchanted and elegant. By combining table-top elegance with a surrounding abundance of romantic candlelight under a starry sky, a truly magical atmosphere was created. The predominant colors we chose were olive green, gold and white. For my flower bouquet I picked white roses, blue thistle and assorted greenery.”

“We used a mix of round and long wooden tables to create a symmetrical floorplan that would allow our guests to mingle, move around freely and have easy access to both the dance floor and serving areas. To compliment the varying tables, we also chose a combination of wooden bistro and clear Kartell chairs. Round tables were decorated with tall white and green flower arrangements whilst the long tables had overflowing foliage garlands leading towards the dance floor. Our head table was decorated with a rich overflowing flower garland and the chairs featured a ‘better together’ cut-out. The entire venue was filled with hundreds of candles in clear, mercury and gold holders as well as tea light baubles hanging off the trees”.

“We also settled on a chess board floor which complimented the symmetric layout. The edge of the venue was turned into an ‘entertainment zone’ with a polaroid camera, props, guest book and some games for children who were attending the reception. The little cartoon characters we’d had designed for our wedding invitations also made some subtle appearances throughout the night, putting an emphasis on our story about finding each other even though we were born on opposite sides of the globe. You could find our little illustration 3D printed on the top of our cake, on our home-made honey wedding favors and on our bride-or-groom game sheets. Just enough to be seen, but not enough to deter from the theme of the evening.”

“Pinterest boards and wedding magazines were some good starting points, but we really wanted to create something completely unique to us and our story. Most of the ideas came from frappe-fuelled brainstorming sessions with our talented planner Stavros from Fresh Events, who helped coordinate and culminate so many of our ideas into a truly magical night.”

“On the topic of language and culture, we also made sure that some traditions from both our backgrounds were featured prominently. For example, we made sure to include the Russian ‘salt and bread’ tradition, which was both sentimental and provided laughs for our guests when we had to split the loaf to see who’d ‘wear the trousers’ in the marriage. Overall – don’t let external pressures take away from your special day – eat, have fun and celebrate with people who are truly important to you!”

Advice to a bride-to-be: “Make it your own day and be sure to incorporate things that are important to you as a couple. We wanted to celebrate our special day in an intimate setting with our families and closest friends, but most of our guests had never met before. Hosting a boat party just days before the official ceremony allowed everyone to meet, mingle and overcome language barriers”.

“It is also extremely important to take a few moments to show appreciation for each other too. Planning a wedding can sometimes overwhelm you and result in losing sight of the fact that a wedding is your celebration together. Hector made a heartfelt speech and surprised me with a rendition of ‘Lava song’ performed by his best man. I surprised Hector with a Spanish dance – and you should have seen his face!”

Source: https://bloghyped.com/beautiful-wedding-in-cyprus-with-white-and-green-hues/

[junker-town]

Derek Jeter's office has two iPads and a lot of hand sanitzer. I have questions.

Here is a very thorough and important investigation.

The Marlins tweeted out a picture on Tuesday morning of Derek Jeter, whose ownership group bought the baseball team for $1.2 billion on Monday. The caption reads, “A new era begins.”

A new era begins. http://pic.twitter.com/WkqL2oyn2O

— Miami Marlins (@Marlins) October 3, 2017

This photo raises several questions. The first thing you probably noticed is that while Jeter has zero (0) computers on his desk, he has not one (1), but two (2) iPads.

The best explanation I can come up with is this: rich people don’t need computers because they don’t actually have to type stuff. All they have to do is swipe around on their iPads and approve billion dollar deals by clicking the huge blinking button that I imagine accompanies any proposal for a billion dollar deal. I bet it looks something like those “YOU’RE THE WINNER!!!!” banners on pop-up ads, except they say “YOU’RE SO WEALTHY THAT NOTHING MATTERS, JUST CLICK HERE TO SPEND A BUNCH OF CASH LOL!!!!”

As for the iPad stands, everyone knows that rich people have to have them. You think millionaires and billionaires have time to hold up their own tablets? No, fuck that. They need to save all their brain power and finger strength for clicking that blinking button to approve all those deals.

Anyway, the second thing you might’ve noticed is the big-ass thing next to Jeter’s desk (if this is indeed his office and not a random room where the Marlins’ social media person staged a photo) that looks like a tiki torch at first glance, or maybe a bird feeder.

I certainly did:

The fuck is this http://pic.twitter.com/h39UAbSBkk

— Charlotte Wilder (@TheWilderThings) October 3, 2017

After doing some reaserch, folks, I’m pretty sure that’s a gargantuan hand sanitizer stand. I’ve look at a lot of hand sanitizer stands this morning since seeing this tweet. I can’t find that exact one in Jeter’s office (which, if you zoom in enough, appears to be Kleenex brand), but I’ve found a few that resemble it enough to make me fairly certain that’s what we’re staring at. This is the closest model I can approximate:

(Thanks to my colleague Matt Ufford for help with the detective work.)

All the others are stupid expensive, check this out:

The fact that I can’t find Jeter’s exact model online leads me to believe that his is custom-made for him by Kleenex, but the Marlin’s have yet to respond to my request for comment, so I can’t verify any of this. It is strictly speculation.

Hello @Marlins does Jeter have a statement about the hand sanitizer stand in his office?

— Charlotte Wilder (@TheWilderThings) October 3, 2017

I don’t know why anyone would pay close to $500 for one of these ugly stands when you can literally just buy a bottle of Purel at the corner store — or have your assistant buy it for you — for, like, two bucks. I understand that if you have a big, shared space you might want something hefty to stop people from stealing your ‘tizer. But I don’t know why you’d a) need that or b) want that in your own personal office.

I’m all for airing our neuroses, but if you’re that bugged out about germs, it feels like it would be easier for you to just keep a personal bottle in a drawer rather than having to explain to everyone why you have an Olympic torch of a dispenser behind your desk. Maybe Jeter doesn’t know that you can buy smaller models.

On the other sanitized hand, if this is a deliberate choice and it’s some sort of trophy, I’m unimpressed. A sexy hand sanitizer stand is, like, the least cool way to show off how loaded you are.

Especially if you’re Derek Jeter! He played professional baseball, quite well, for years and years! There is some really dope shit about this guy! He could get his jersey bronzed, or his contract framed! Even if he’s feeling more basic, he could just hang a photo of his yacht on his wall. And if he doesn’t have a yacht, he could buy a yacht, take a picture of it, and then frame that.

Or just wallpaper his place with hundos.

Whatever. I don’t know. People are weird, man. I’m all for fresh starts — especially after what previous owner Jeffrey Loria did to the Marlins — but this seems like Jeter’s taking the metaphor a bit too far. Just buy a pump bottle and hide it behind one of your iPads, my dude. Sheesh.