#like we die and then our actions get judged and based on that we either get moksha which is when-

[martian-astro]

Marilyn Monroe's birth chart observation

when I first started studying Atmakaraka's, the very first thing that I thought was, "Marylin Monroe definitely had Saturn Atmakaraka" and today I finally got a chance to look at her birth chart and she has Saturn Atmakaraka in her 4th house, and her Saturn which is also her 7th lord is placed in the 6th house of her d9 or navamsa chart. She has her ascendant in ashlesha and her moon in dhanishta nakshatra and the way all of these things fit together is just so...incredibly fascinating to me but also sad because......I think if I write more, I'll start going into the philosophical aspects of life and the things going on inside my mind right now are just too difficult for me to put into words.

[copperbadge]

RE watching thoughts: I’m not 100% sure, but it might be that the whole “I am not my thoughts” is about engaging and identifying with your metacognition MORE than your initial thoughts. Because I get where you’re coming from - what is a consciousness but a collection of thoughts and feelings? But you can also have thoughts about your own thoughts that are more useful for dealing with whatever situation you’re in, I guess. (Random aside - every time I start thinking about thinking about thinking my brain inevitably starts thinking about Tiffany Aching and The Wee Free Men.)

I really should have replied to this ask sooner because it's going to seem like a non-sequitur now (this was sent much earlier in March) but I'm kind of glad I didn't, because I've been chatting with people about this and I think I understand more why there's an emphasis in some therapies on the idea that we are not our thoughts.

(I uh, haven't read the Tiffany books so I'm not much help there.)

I am coming to understand that many, perhaps most, people judge themselves, comprehensively and harshly, based on their thoughts. Perhaps it's just a lot of people who struggle with mental health, but given the commonality of the sentiment I don't know if I'd confine it that tightly; generally it appears that people cannot conceive of themselves as anything other than a binary of good or bad. So many people I've talked to about this portion of DBT, the watching-questioning-identifying thoughts portion, say that it helps to snap them out of a spiral of "I'm a horrible person, I deserve to suffer/die, I can never be redeemed" after they've failed at something, or had a negative thought, or reacted poorly to an unexpected event.

That is not something I've ever experienced. I mean, jokingly maybe, but not in a real, internal sense.

And that's not to brag -- I'm not saying I think I'm a good person, either, because I don't think I'm a good person. I don't conceive of myself in terms of good or bad. I never cuddle my cats and think "I'm such a good cat dad" or forget to feed them and think "I should die now." I have a perpetual morally neutral attitude towards my own existence; my thoughts and actions might trend me one direction or another but I'm aware of the temporary nature of that. If I fuck up I'll worry about who I might have hurt or whether I'll be fired or what's going to happen as a consequence, if I am polite to someone who didn't deserve it I know I was acting kindly in the moment, but I don't make an inherent moral judgement of myself based on that. And it seems like the vast majority of people do. Which you would think would make me feel pretty good about myself, but honestly...I don't know.

A lot of people I know who have ADHD or are Autistic have talked about seeing themselves as other, as alien -- like that one webcomic artist who draws themself with little antennae to indicate they're strange and different. I've always understood why one might do that, but I never felt that way myself, before or after the diagnosis. After all, let's remember, I was The Normal* Child of my siblings, and if I was The Normal One before the diagnosis, why wouldn't I remain Mostly Normal after?

* As ever, I'm using "normal" as a cultural term, to indicate what we think of as mainstream, not because normal is a thing that really exists.

My life has been relatively solitary -- I have friends and family and I love them but I'm rarely part of a large group, I don't spend a lot of time out in public interacting with people, I'm not a big socializer. Before the Adderall, I really couldn't be, I took too much psychic damage from interpersonal interaction, so I chose those very carefully. And now my DBT class has been a rare moment when I'm encountering contradictions to a lot of my assumptions about the way human beings in our society interact, react, and behave. I just...don't fit that mold very well. I think of it as having crossed wiring, not in the sense that I'm faulty but just in the sense that I'm very, very different. Not Normal. It's not exactly a bad feeling but it's certainly not a great one, internalizing the sensation of alienness.

DBT is proving to be a mixed bag but not in the way I or my therapist intended -- it seems to be either things I was already instinctively doing or things that simply do not apply to me. In one way it's disappointing because it means there isn't much help to be had (we're a little over halfway through the course and I keep thinking "Maybe next class will be useful") but on the other hand it's validating that so much of what I came up with myself as unconscious coping mechanisms is literally what I would have been told to do anyway.

Sometimes it's a combination of both, though, which really blows. I guess most people, if they reframe another person's actions, actually find emotional relief in that, and I don't. An example from the class is that if someone is rude to you, you can consider how they might be having a hard day, and be polite in return; that's great, in terms of defusing a situation, and it's something I do a fair amount of. But apparently it's also something that for most people results in feeling less awful about the interaction, and that's not the case for me. Which is why so much of DBT feels to me like lying to oneself. It's not lying for most people.

So, yeah. I'm going to finish out the course and keep trying things with the therapist but I suspect given everything, I might already be at "as good as it gets" in terms of emotional work. Which isn't the worst thing in the world, and there is still the option to try medication that could help, but I think there will come a point where I'm going to have to deal with the fallout of just how different I am, and how that has impacted my life. Might end up a good thing; something I've really been trying to resolve is unhappiness over being unpartnered and highly likely to remain that way, and at least if this provides a better understanding of why, then perhaps I can process that and put it to rest in a way I've been trying to do but not succeeding well at.

So, we'll see. But I find it both fascinating and kind of horrifying how many people can believe they are irredeemably bad, even if the belief is only temporary, simply because they had an uncharitable thought or impulse. It makes me somewhat grateful for the crossed wires, at least.

[centaurianthropology]

Late on the train to 'Midst'

Hello all, and it's time once again for me to try to infect you all with my weird niche interests. In this case, it's a podcast that was recently(ish) picked up by Critical Role, which is how I heard about it. But I can say right now that those folks who still follow me from the Magnus Archives day are probably going to enjoy this one. Hell, I think a lot of my followers might, so let me pitch 'Midst' to you.

The Podcast

'Midst' is a narrative podcast with three narrators. So rather than a strict script, it's three people with great voices telling you a story, narrating actions, slipping into and out of different character voices, all set over a really well-engineered sound-and-musicscape. The episodes are loosely outlined, but the actual scripts are improvised between the narrators, weaving in and out of each other's narrations and 'yes and'ing their way into a greater whole. It may sound a little confusing, but I found it surprisingly easy to follow along with. And each episode ranges from 15 minutes to a half-hour, so it's an easy listen. The second season has just begun to release over at the CR YouTube channel (there were 2 seasons out before CR picked it up and is releasing remasters, so beware spoilers if you go to the tag here).

The Setting

Okay, unless you're a nerd like me, the technicalities of the podcast might not mean quite as much to you. But the setting is where things start to get really interesting. This is a space western. Classic, but definitely also not classic. While the vibe is pure space western, with a feel that's vaguely akin to 'Firefly' or 'Trigun' or 'Cowboy Bebop', the actual setting isn't so much space as it is the Un.

The Un is somewhat liminal, a vast sky filled with light from an undetermined source, filled with clouds and glittering mica shards which defy gravity and can slice through almost anything in their way (though they can be deflected). On the largest of these shards some people have set up homes. And elsewhere in the Un are islets, tiny planets that make up the habitable universe of 'Midst'.

There doesn't seem to be a proper central authority in the Un, but the closest thing they have is the Trust, a cult based around the worship of what seems to be a space western stock market, in which all of its members have their deeds (and themselves) weighed and judged. And those people in the Trust, the Trustees, wear their morality literally on their sleeve. Those deemed 'good' either from good deeds or (far more often) from inherited goodness or goodness based on their position in society, have white Valor beads adorning them. Those deemed immoral, or (again more often) in debt have Caenum, black beads denoting how much they owe the Trust. Those Trustees in debt seem to exist in something close to slavery, constantly having to do more and more work to try to break even. And the entire Trust society is built on their backs.

Below the Un is a velvet black fog so thick it lays like an ocean at the bottom of this universe, its surface an obsidian mirror. This is the Fold, a place where a dark mist can penetrate through anything and bring with it Tearrors, events in which the fabric of reality itself seems to tear itself apart. People and things die or go horribly (or sometimes not horribly) wrong thanks to the Tearrors. These Tearrors can be kept at bay with a weird sort of lightbulb, which is how folks can stay alive in the Fold without completely coming apart at the seams.

And there, at the Meridian, half in the Un and half in the Fold, rolling through both to create perhaps the only place in this universe with both a night and a day, weird as both are, is Midst. A small islet of red dust and weird plants and animals. A place where people live and work and die. A place that feels a lot like a western.

And with that, we have our setting. And within this setting are vast array of characters, but for this particular story, there are three protagonists. Each of them is solely narrated by one of the three narrators, and it is around them that the story and the world of Midst unfolds.

Lark

Lark is perhaps the protagonist we know the least about, but she's also the protagonist who feels the most classically western for this space western. She's a monster hunter living on the outskirts of society on Midst. She sells hides, and she has few friends and fewer words. She's gruff, dangerous, and has lived long enough that she's got a dark past and has seen some shit. She also has a red glove that apparently kills anything it touches, which is cool.

Lark is intelligent, grounded, but is also largely a mystery at this point. She's also got a hound dog named Landlord, who is the best, and is the only character who is apparently guaranteed not to die.

Phineas Thatch

Look at this wet cat of an armored man. Everything about him screams try-hard, wannabe, senpai-notice-me energy. If Lark is the western character, Phineas is the space character, hailing from the Trust. He is in debt, but also the Adsecla (second in command) of an elite group of cop-soldier-celebrities. The media follows them everywhere, which is something of a problem for a guy who is terrible with people and the media in particular. Phineas is a decent guy, fairly good at his job, but nothing he ever does is good enough, and all his best instincts are being systematically squashed by the cult he has fanatically devoted himself to. There is no one who believes in the Trust more than Phineas, even as it's griding him down to nothingness.

If you like a character who is pathetic even when he's doing cool things, who never wins, whose struggles all seem to come to nothing, and you can't quite figure out if the universe just hates him or if he's his own worst enemy (it's probably both), then Phineas is the character for you.

Moc Weepe

Look at him. Just look at this weird, alabaster, spidery guy. I know that I and many of my followers love a bastard man, and Mr. Weepe is a grade A bastard man. He is a co-owner of a cabaret on Midst, and he oozes his way through every scene he's in with some of the best lines and worst actions of the podcast. He has the power to be both alluring and repellant, he's got an absolutely delightfully bizarre voice and and even weirder laugh (and yet is also part of a really cool musical number), and he is both terrifying and pathetic all at the same time. This asshole contains multitudes. And a lot of those multitudes revolve around screwing someone over for his own gain.

He should be the least sympathetic of the protagonists. Lark is a cool and aloof badass. Phineas wants to be a good man. Weepe? He wants to be rich. He wants to be powerful. He is also constantly plagued by a mysterious medical condition that seems to have been brought on by exposure to an extremely severe and almost-lethal Tearror. He is somehow, weirdly, sympathetic, at least up to a point, and not nearly as clever as he thinks he is. What can I say? I am predictable, and Moc Weepe is definitely my favorite of the protagonists, even if he's demonstrably the worst.

I won't spoil the plot, as that's part of the fun. I can at least spoil the first scene, which is also the finale of the first season (they loop back to explain how they got to this event throughout the run of the first season): we are on Midst. All three protagonists are there.

And the moon has just exploded in the sky.

[foundry-fabrications]

System Spotlight: Ironsworn

Hello everyone, and welcome to my first ever System Spotlight! Before we begin, let me explain a little about what this is and what to expect.

This is a series I've wanted to do for a while where I talk about RPGs other than D&D, their mechanics, and my overall thoughts on them. There are thousands of wonderful RPGs out there and I want to shine a spotlight on some of the ones I feel could use more love or just give my two cents on ones that are already popular.

This won't be a regular weekly series or anything like that, but I do want to write these so there's less of a gap between content posts. I also want to use them as a sort of primer/101 for future projects made for those systems. I'm known for 5th edition and it's likely the system you fine folk are most familiar with so I want to give you the basics of whatever system I'm working with so the associated project makes some sense. And hey, if even one of you takes in interest in a game I talk about then that's a win in my book.

I would also like to preface that I have not actually played every game I will be talking about in this series, though I have read about them and gone through whatever core rules they have at the very least. I will state whether or not I have played in each post for transparency and so you can judge my opinions accordingly.

Anyway, that's enough preamble, let's Undertake a Journey and talk about Ironsworn!

Are you the Forever GM and never get to play? Are you in-between games or groups and want something to scratch that RPG itch? Perhaps you want to try GMing your own game but don't want the pressure of other players. You're not alone! Turns out there is a huge community for the solo play of RPGs and I am fascinated by it. People have been finding ways to play RPGs by themselves for years and there are lots of tools to let people do just that (I'll get to those at some point), but recently there has been a certain game that has become very popular that is built for just such a method of play.

Created by the wonderful Shawn Tomkin, Ironsworn is game built from the ground up to be solo or co-op and entirely GMless, though you can play traditionally if you wish. It's based on the Powered by the Apocalypse system and is more narrative than mechanics focused unlike a lot of other RPGs, especially games like D&D. Basically, the mechanics are designed to be in service of the story. Speaking of mechanics, let's talk about ‘em!

Dice

Starting with dice, Ironsworn uses a d6 and two d10s for everything. The d6 is your Action Die and acts like a d20 in other systems. The two d10s are your Challenge Dice, which set the difficulty of whatever it is you're trying to roll for.

When you roll to do something, you roll the d6 and d10s together adding your relevant stat and any bonuses you have to the d6. If your action die is over both challenge dice, you get a Strong Hit. If it's only over one of the challenge dice, it's a Weak Hit. But if it's under both of the challenge dice then it's a Miss. Now, if both of the challenge dice are the same, you either have a Strong Hit or Miss with a Match. Matches are like crits in other games, making your Strong Hit or Miss way better or way worse for you.

Moves

So how do you actually do stuff? Like most PbtA games, you make Moves, each with their own mechanics that tell you how to resolve them. For example, let's look at a common move: Gather Information.

For this example, we roll our dice and get a 3 on the Action Die and a 4 and an 8 on the Challenge Dice. We'll say our character has a 2 for Wits and no other bonuses, bringing our Action Die total to 5. This would be a Weak Hit, revealing some troubling information and giving us +1 Momentum (we'll get to momentum in a bit). Pretty simple, right? Whatever you want to do, there's a move for it.

Momentum

Now, about momentum. Momentum is a really cool mechanic that gives you some much needed control over your dice when you really need it. Most moves give you momentum when you succeed, up to a max of 10. When you roll, you can burn your momentum to cancel out any challenge die that is less than your momentum, letting you turn a Miss into a Weak Hit or a Weak Hit into a Strong Hit. Your momentum then gets reset back down to 2 so you always have a little.

Characters

Ok, let's talk character creation! Characters in Ironsworn have 5 stats: Edge, Heart, Iron, Shadow, and Wits. Edge is your quickness and is for ranged combat; Heart is your courage and charisma; Iron is your strength, constitution, and is for melee combat; Shadow is your sneakiness and cunning; Wits is your intelligence and wisdom. You set your stats with a stat array, putting one number for each stat: 3, 2, 2, 1, 1. They even have alternate arrays with higher and lower numbers to make the game easier or harder, which is cool. Your stats will never change during a game so be sure to choose wisely.

Health, Spirit, and Supply

Characters have 3 meters to represent their status: Health, Spirit, and Supply. They each start at 5 and can be increased or decreased by failing moves or taking damage. Health and Spirit are pretty self explanatory, representing your overall physical health and stress levels. Supply is a little different. You don't have equipment, money, or resources in Ironsworn so Supply is used as an abstract representation of how prepared you are during your adventures.

Assets

Now it's time to pick your assets. Assets represent your skills and traits, giving you bonuses to certain things and letting you make new moves. There are 4 asset types: Companions, Paths, Combat Talents, and Rituals. Companions are pretty self explanatory. Paths are your background, skills, and training. Combat Talents let you do special moves with whatever weapon you wield. Finally, Rituals are how you perform big magic in the world of Ironsworn. You get any 3 assets of your choice when you create your character and you can get more through character progression. Assets can also be upgraded, unlocking new abilities and benefits.

Iron Vows

So how does character progression work? In Ironsworn, you earn experience by completing quests, or Vows as they're called. When you take on a quest, you literally swear on iron that you will do whatever it is you set out to do, hence the name of the game. But should you forsake your vow, there are consequences. You always start a game with a background vow, which is basically your personal quest and what drives your character, and an immediate vow to get the story going.

Once you complete a vow, you get experience based on how dangerous it was. Experience can be spent on upgrading your assets or buying entirely new ones.

Combat in Ironsworn

So how does combat work in Ironsworn? Well, a bit like everything else, using moves and with a greater focus on the narrative instead of the nitty gritty details. To be honest, I still have trouble wrapping my head around combat coming from a background of the crunchy, tactical style combat of D&D.

Basically, when you enter combat you Enter the Fray and roll to see who is in control of the situation. Whether or not you are in control determines what moves you can make. Rolling well means you gain or maintain control and you can mark progress towards ending the encounter and claiming victory, whatever that looks like for you. I know my explanation is probably woefully inept at best, so I encourage you to check out Matt Risby’s explanation and example. He does a much better job than I ever could.

The Oracles

Now that you have your version of the Ironlands, you need people, places, and things to populate it with. For that, we turn the the Oracle tables. The oracles are d100 tables filed with words and descriptors to help you flesh out your world and spark inspiration when you're not sure what to do next. There is even a dedicated move called Ask the Oracle, which many other moves reference to help you out if you're not sure what their results might mean for your character.

But what if you need to generate something? For example, say we just entered a new settlement and we want see what it's like and what might be going on there. For that, we turn to the Settlement Oracle tables. We roll a 45 so our settlement is named after a creature. Then we roll and 97, giving us the name Dragonshadow. Now let's see what's going on in Dragonshadow. We roll a 65, giving us “families in conflict”. Squabbling nobles perhaps? But I think you get the idea. There's 19 oracles in Ironsworn and you're even encouraged to make your own.

The Ironlands

Now that the basics are out of the way, where are we? Welcome to the Ironlands! The Ironlands are a low fantasy, low magic, viking-esque setting that honestly reminds me a lot of Westeros from Game of Thrones. It's a harsh, unforgiving land that has made it's people tough and hearty, people who have already dealt with great hardship after a cataclysm drove them from their homeland, or The Old World.

But the best part is that the Ironlands are yours to create. Alongside character creation you create your own version of the Ironlands based on a series of prompts. The basics remain the same as above but the details are up to you. You determine what drove the Ironlanders from their home, how society works, are there monsters or magic, what horror lurk in the dark, and so much more. And if you don't like one of the prompts, change it! Make up whatever you want, it's your world!

Hacks (or Homebrew)

But what if you aren't a fan of the Ironlands period? Perhaps you want something a little more fantastical or even high tech? Then hack it! There's an entire section in the game that encourages you to rework the game to suit whatever needs you have. Don't like the setting? Make up a new one! Want new equipment or backgrounds? Rename the existing assets or make new ones! Don't want to do the work yourself? There are dozens of hacks and hundreds of custom assets created by the community, most of which are free! Whatever flavor you want Ironsworn to be, it can be with a little tweaking.

Ironsworn: Starforged

Now I can't talk about Ironsworn without talking about it's sister game, Starforged. Starforged is a new version of the game with updated and expanded rules in a new sci-fi setting known as the Forge. All the basics are still there with only minor changes so if you've played one you can jump right into the other without much issue. Everything I've said before goes for Starforged as well so if fantasy isn't your bag maybe give it a go instead!

My Thoughts

I'll just come right out and say it, I fucking love Ironsworn. But sadly I've yet to actually sit down and start a game to experience it for myself, which is honestly a crime. It's completely changed my perspective of what an RPG can be and has really opened my eyes to the incredibly wide world of solo play, which I will be delving into further. I have nothing but nice things to say about the game, its creator Shawn, and its incredible community.

To get into specifics, the biggest thing I love is the simplicity of Ironsworn as a system and how easy it is to expand on it. The fact that you're actively encouraged to customize it is amazing too. The layout of the book is clean, simple, and explains things very well. It even includes examples of play. I love momentum as a mechanic, I think it's a brilliant way help keep the story moving and I would love to try and come up with something like it for other systems. And while low fantasy isn't my bag, I can appreciate it for what it is and I can always customize it to suit my tastes.

But the best part about Ironsworn is its completely free! You can download everything you need to play on the website at https://www.ironswornrpg.com/. Starforged on the other hand is paid, which you can get a pdf of on DriveThruRPG for 20 bucks, which is more than reasonable in my opinion. But should you get a physical copy, you get a pdf for free!

If you're not sold on the game just yet, or just want to see it in action, I highly encourage you to check out Me, Myself, and Die Season 2 (season 1 not required), The Bad Spot podcast, and Errant Adventures podcast. MM&D S2 is just Ironsworn while both The Bad Spot and Errant Adventures do both Ironsworn and Starforged. All of them are fantastic live play shows that are well worth your time in my humble opinion.

If you're still with me, thanks for listening to me ramble about a game I love for a bit. I know it's different than my usual content but different is good and I've wanted to do this for a long time so I appreciate you sticking around while I experiment. Let me know what y'all think, about this as a thing I do now, if you're familiar with Ironsworn, and what other games you'd like me to look at. I have one hell of a list already but I bet y'all have some gems I don't know about and it will help me gauge interest. Anyway, that's all for now. As always, stay safe, don't forget to love each other, and I'll see you again soon.

[findroleplay]

Hi all, I am looking for some new 25+ long-term OC partners to play the male OC for a few romance concepts I have either written or pondered on (I am also open to listening to yours too!). I would love for stories with Adventure, Fantasy, Drama, Action, Angst, obviously Romance and am fine with NSFW and others themes we think may work for our story.

The concepts are below and if you are interested feel free to message me and tell me a bit about yourself, the character you would like to use and we can see if our visions and characters align. Keep in mind these can be tweaked to better suit what we both want.

Concept 1: In this world, if you aren't a human, you are an outcast and extremely poor in society. The only way out of this life is if you can prove to be of value to the royal family. If you are deemed worthy due to your combat and or magical capabilities you will be appointed as a guardian to an official or potentially one of the royals. (This is judged through a trial and very few succeed.) Female guardians are rarely chosen due to the fear that they may seduce the royals. My OC wants to change the way the world works and wants to free all the Noirine and get rid of the oppressive system. After her parents pass away from an illness she trains for years and attempts the trial and passes. Eventually, she is appointed as a guardian to one of the princes (your OC).

Concept 2: Based in the Sengoku era. A young girl leaves her hometown to find work and study medicine. While visiting a town, she learns that a battlefield is nearby and many are injured. Without thinking she rushes to the scene, but unfortunately for her she is captured and taken to a prison. The leader there tells her that there is a prisoner there that needs treatment and they have no medical personnel skilled enough. The prisoner (your OC) is the leader/important figure from the opposing forces and they intend on using him to their advantage so they cannot let him die.

Concept 3: Having come of age, it is time to ascend the throne as Queen of (a particular world). Her protector (your OC) has been just that since her teen years but secretly she has loved and cared about him since they met. She however believes he only sees her as his mistress—or a duty (this can be true or not true). An arranged marriage has been planned and unfortunately, it is to a stubborn and very unlikeable prince from a neighboring country. There are only a few months to find a way to get out of the marriage, or disappear.

Concept 4: My OC is a Ninja/Assassin trained since she was 8 to defeat the warlords who make up the enemy forces (whoever we decide).

During a mission while undercover she learns her village has been destroyed by the clan that she works for. Following the men who destroyed her village, she finds they also killed her family along with those who did not escape. Pushing her feelings aside, she believes the only way to get her revenge is by pretending to know nothing and remain loyal to them. One day she is on a mission and returns but finds there has been a surprise attack on the clan by the enemy forces and a particular warlord is said to be the one leading the battle (your OC). As she observes and remains hidden, she witnesses him kill one of the men who destroyed her village. Noticing that he does not see a hidden assassin aiming for him she kills the assassin without the warlord noticing until after the fact but he does not know who took out the assassin.

Her goal is revenge and she only has herself as a weapon. After careful consideration she concludes that he and the enemy forces are her best chance at revenge so she secretly begins to steal info. She finds numerous ways to anonymously gets the info to the warlord OC. He obviously will investigate who is providing the info and will likely figure it out. My OC is eventually caught stealing info by her clan and imprisoned and suffers severe injuries.

Interests: A classic mafia story that is your cliche good girl meets bad guy kind of thing.

The last bit of info she provides him with leads him to where she is held (coincidence).

He ends up saving her as she will benefit him due to how much she knows about the clan.

Hope to hear from you soon!

-

[roleplay-today]

Hi all, I'm a 35F and am looking for some new 25+ long-term OC partners to play the male OC for a few romance concepts I have either written or pondered on (I am also open to listening to yours too!). I would love for stories with Adventure, Fantasy, Drama, Action, Angst, and Romance. I'm fine with NSFW and other themes we think may work for our story.

The concepts are below and if you are interested feel free to message me and tell me a bit about yourself, and the character you would like to use and we can see if our visions and characters align.

Concept 1: In this world, if you aren't a human, you are an outcast and extremely poor in society. The only way out of this life is if you can prove to be of value to the royal family. If you are deemed worthy due to your combat and or magical capabilities you will be appointed as a guardian to an official or potentially one of the royals. (This is judged through a trial and very few succeed.) Female guardians are rarely chosen due to the fear that they may seduce the royals. My OC wants to change the way the world works and wants to free all the Noirine and get rid of the oppressive system. After her parents pass away from an illness she trains for years and attempts the trial and passes. Eventually, she is appointed as a guardian to one of the princes (your OC).

Concept 2: Based in the Sengoku era. A young girl leaves her hometown to find work and study medicine. While visiting a town, she learns that a battlefield is nearby and many are injured. Without thinking she rushes to the scene, but unfortunately for her, she is captured and taken to a prison. The leader there tells her that there is a prisoner there that needs treatment and they have no medical personnel skilled enough. The prisoner (your OC) is the leader/important figure from the opposing forces and they intend on using him to their advantage so they cannot let him die.

Concept 3: Having come of age, it is time to ascend the throne as Queen of (a particular world). Her protector (your OC) has been just that since her teen years but secretly she has loved and cared about him since they met. She however believes he only sees her as his mistress—or a duty (this can be true or not true). An arranged marriage has been planned and unfortunately, it is to a stubborn and very unlikeable prince from a neighboring country. (We could make this where the romance is between her and her guardian or put a twist on it and the prince is who she comes to love and the guardian turns out to be bad news, your call :P)

Concept 4: My OC is a Ninja/Assassin trained since she was 8 to defeat the warlords who make up the enemy forces (whoever we decide).

During a mission while undercover, she learns her village has been destroyed by the clan that she works for. Following the men who destroyed her village, she finds they also killed her family along with those who did not escape. Pushing her feelings aside, she believes the only way to get her revenge is by pretending to know nothing and remain loyal to them. One day she is on a mission and returns but finds there has been a surprise attack on the clan by the enemy forces and a particular warlord is said to be the one leading the battle (your OC). As she observes and remains hidden, she witnesses him kill one of the men who destroyed her village. Noticing that he does not see a hidden assassin aiming for him she kills the assassin without the warlord noticing until after the fact but he does not know who took out the assassin.

Her goal is revenge and she only has herself as a weapon. After careful consideration, she concludes that he and the enemy forces are her best chance at revenge so she secretly begins to steal info. She finds numerous ways to anonymously get the info to the warlord OC. He obviously will investigate who is providing the info and will likely figure it out. My OC is eventually caught stealing info by her clan and imprisoned and suffers various injuries.

The last bit of info she provides him with leads him to where she is held (coincidence).

He ends up saving her as she will benefit him due to how much she knows about the clan.

[thedeviljudges]

examining the phrase “i didn’t want to see you go to a place you can’t turn back from” from ep 15 (and when gaon said it previously), really hits heavy when you realize that gaon actually cares for yohan but yohan does not care for himself. yohan had a plan all along, knowing he’d either have to flee, be tried and put in jail or he’d die. and not for one second did he care about what happened to him, as long as he got justice—and it’s not even justice for himself, truthfully. it’s justice for eljiah who has to live without her parents, who cannot walk because minister cha hurt her so badly.

it’s actually kind of painful to hear, maybe even for yohan, because at that point, he has someone who cares about him so deeply enough to not want yohan to go down the wrong path, but it’s too late. it was already too late even before gaon was put into yohan’s life because nothing would’ve been able to stop yohan no matter what. there was no other way because yohan had made up his mind to see it through regardless, but he hadn’t expected to have conflicted feelings because gaon actually made him care.

which made it all that much harder when yohan pushes gaon out of the courtroom, and he’s upset knowing he might not make it out alive, and gaon is behind those doors screaming his name. in the end, yohan’s revenge and his sense of justice came before all because at that point, it needed to be done, and it needed to be completed, which goes back to his jesus-like characterization. every plan was set in stone—albeit changes depending on context and circumstance, but the inevitable end was never not going to happen.

and that’s what makes gaon’s words so heartbreaking because if yohan had  that to begin with, it could’ve turned out differently. but there gaon is in yohan’s office telling yohan he’s sorry he did what he did because he didn’t want the man to go to a place he can’t come back from, but at that point, what gaon failed to realize is that yohan was already lost to his plans long before he ever showed up. that was set in stone the minute yohan left the church with elijah in his arms.

and while i’m at it, i refuse to believe that yohan was ever meant to be the devil judge because in that same scene in ep 15 when gaon tells yohan that “using the vulnerability of human beings is what the devil does” couldn’t actually be further from the truth because again, if we go back to him being a jesus figure, the devil is never truly involved with blood and sacrifice. he causes chaos, yes, but jesus is the one that knows humanity has blood on their hands (re: their sins) and chooses to forgive them for “they know not what they do” because that is the entirety of the narrative—to give everyone a clean slate, to start over with a new covenant and new rules different from the old testament.

the clean slate in the show is a new judicial system, sure, but it also gives people the power back to make choices, to pay attention and live by new rules. their sins are wiped clean to start anew. gaon is still stuck in a mindset where the devil is compared to human iterations of what evil is, but the reasons they call yohan the devil are not actual reasons he’d ever be considered the devil, technically. humans live by good and bad deeds, and when you do something horrific, you’re considered a devil, but it’s slightly different in the context of the bible. jesus knew humanity would be stained with blood but it would be forgiven and it would be different after his crucifiction and resurrection, which goes to show that our concepts of good and evil are not always practical.

this is also not me saying that all of yohan’s actions were right, but gaon kept on about how yohan is trying to make humanity complicit in yohan’s revenge plot, and to an extent yes, but it also begs the question of whether they were already complicit in the system that was established before, and the answer to that would be yes. yohan was right to say that there are no innocent people in the world (and gaon’s right too that a lot of people try to be good people), and the actions they took via the app during the trials were just more obvious ways of their nature.

i said it before quite a bit, but yohan had to show the world the level of which things could get; he had to hold a mirror up to the entire country so they could look at themselves for who they were and what they were doing, so that when he got rid of the elite, they could do better. and now i’m talking in circles, but that is the exact story of jesus dying on the cross. the blood on their hands gaon was referring too, his fight to say that humanity is good wasn’t a lie either—he just failed to acknowledge that doing good isn’t always the base component of human nature, and that it takes practice and effort to actively work on. he can believe that for what it is, but you cannot remove the sinister component of greed and all the other seven sins that go hand in hand with humans. gaon was on the right track, but not quite right thinking that. yohan was also on the right track with the no innocent people comment, but also not quite right.

[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 4

-attachment, orphanages, and yet more child psych: time to add yet another voice to the void-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION.

I'm going to be super biased, because my favorite portrayal of Tom Riddle is actually Hero Fiennes-Tiffin as eleven-year-old Tom Riddle, in HBP and I get to chat about child psych in this one, sooo here we go.

First of all, I’m just so impressed that a kid could bring that much depth to such a complex character.

This is the portrayal, I feel, that brings us closest to Tom’s character. Yes, Coulson’s brought us pretty close, but by fifth year, the mask was on.

We don't really get to see Tom looking afraid very often, but it's fear that rules his life, so it's really poignant in our first (chronologically) introduction, he looks absolutely terrified.

The void being the fandom's loud opinions on a certain headmaster. I wouldn't call myself pro-Dumbledore, but I'm certainly not anti-Dumbledore, either. (Agnostic-Dumbledore??)

Since I'm not of the anti-Dumbledore persuasion, I decided to poke around in the tags and see what the arguments were, so I don't make comments out of ignorance.

Most of the tag seems to be more directed towards his treatment of Harry and Sirius, but a few people mentioned that Dumbledore should have treated Tom with ‘exceptional kindness’ and tried to ‘rehabilitate’ him.

As I said in Parts 2 and 3, I am 100% in favor of helping a traumatized kid learn to cope, and I don’t think Tom Riddle was solidly on the Path to Evil (TM) at birth, or even at eleven. Not even at fifteen.

Could unconditional love and kindness have helped Tom Riddle enough for the rise of Lord Voldemort to never happen? Possibly, but...

Yes, I'm about to drag up that Carl Jung quote, again.

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

The problem with this is that if you’re going to blame Dumbledore for this, you also have to blame every other adult in Tom’s life: his headmaster, Dippet, his Head of House, Slughorn, his ‘caretakers’ at the orphanage, Mrs. Cole and Martha, and possibly more. In fact, if we're going to blame any adult, let's blame Merope for r*ping and abusing Tom Riddle Senior, and having a kid she wasn't intending to take care of.

Furthermore, you cannot possibly hold anyone but Tom accountable for the murders he committed. (I should not have to sit here and explain why cold-blooded murder is wrong.) And if you like Tom Riddle's character, insinuating that his actions are completely at the whim of others is just a bit condescending towards him. He's not an automaton or a marionette, he's a very intelligent human being with a functioning brain, and at sixteen is fully capable of moral reasoning and critical analysis.

I've heard the theories about Dumbledore setting the Potters up to die, and I'm not going to discuss their validity right now; but he didn't put a wand in Tom's hand and force him to kill anyone. Tom did it all of his own accord.

And while yes, I have enormous sympathy for what happened to Tom as a child, at some point, he decided to murder Myrtle Warren, and that is where I lose my sympathy. Experiencing trauma does not give you the right to inflict harm on others. Yes, Tom was failed, but then, he spectacularly failed himself.

We also have no idea how Dumbledore treated Tom as a student.

In the movies, it’s Dumbledore who tells Tom he has to go back to the orphanage, but in the books, it’s Dippet. We know that Slughorn spent a lot of time around Tom at Slug Club and such, yet I don’t really see people clamoring for his head.

I regard the sentiment that Dumbledore turned Tom Riddle into Lord Voldemort with a lot of skepticism.

But let's hear from the character himself -- his impression of eleven-year-old Tom Riddle.

“Did I know that I had just met the most dangerous Dark wizard of all time?” said Dumbledore. “No, I had no idea that he was to grow up to be what he is. However, I was certainly intrigued by him. I returned to Hogwarts intending to keep an eye upon him, something I should have done in any case, given that he was alone and friendless, but which, already, I felt I ought to do for others’ sake as much as his."

Now, assuming that Dumbledore's telling the truth, I'm not seeing something glaringly wrong with this. No, he hasn't pigeonholed Tom as evil, yes, I'd be intrigued, too, and it's a very good idea to keep an eye on Tom, for his own sake.

“At Hogwarts,” Dumbledore went on, “we teach you not only to use magic, but to control it. You have — inadvertently, I am sure — been using your powers in a way that is neither taught nor tolerated at our school."

Again, it seems like he's at least somewhat sympathetic towards Tom, and is willing to at least give him a chance.

More evidence (again, assuming Dumbledore is a reliable narrator):

Harry: “Didn’t you tell them [the other professors], sir, what he’d been like when you met him at the orphanage?” Dumbledore: “No, I did not. Though he had shown no hint of remorse, it was possible that he felt sorry for how he had behaved before and was resolved to turn over a fresh leaf. I chose to give him that chance.”

Now, I think Dumbledore is pretty awful with kids, but I don't think that's malicious. Yeah, it's a flaw, but perfect people don't exist, and perfect characters are dead boring. I am not saying that he definitely handled Tom's case well, I'm just saying that there's little evidence that Dumbledore, however shaken and scandalized, wrote him off as 'evil snake boy.'

It's also worth taking into account that it's 1938, and the attitudes towards mental health back then.

Why is Tom looking at Dumbledore like that, anyway? Why is he so scared? What has he possibly been threatened with or heard whispers of?

"'Professor'?" repeated Riddle. He looked wary. "Is that like 'doctor'? What are you here for? Did she get you in to have a look at me?"

"I don't believe you," said Riddle. "She wants me looked at, doesn't she? Tell the truth!"

"You can't kid me! The asylum, that's where you're from, isn't it? 'Professor,' yes, of course -- well, I'm not going, see? That old cat's the one who should be in the asylum. I never did anything to little Amy Benson or Dennis Bishop, and you can ask them, they'll tell you!

Tom keeps insisting he's not mad until Dumbledore finally manages to calm him down.

I'm really upset this wasn't in the movie, because it's important context. Instead we got these throwaway cutscenes of some knick-knacks relating to the Cave he's got lying around, but I just would have preferred to see him freaking out like he does in the book.

There was extreme stigma and prejudice towards mental illness.

'Lunatic asylums,' as they were called in Tom's time, were terrible places. In the 1930s and 40s, he could look forward to being 'treated' with induced convulsions, via metrazol, insulin, electroshock, and malaria injections. And if he stuck around long enough, he could even look forward to a lobotomy!

So, if you think Dumbledore was judgmental towards Tom, imagine how flat-out prejudiced whatever doctors or 'experts' Mrs. Cole might have gotten in to 'look at him' must have been!

Moving on to the next few shots, he is sitting down and hunched over as if expecting punishment or at least some kind of bad news, Dumbledore is mostly out of the frame. He’s trapped visually, by Dumbledore on one side, and a wall on the other, because he’s still very much afraid. uncomfortable, as he tells Dumbledore a secret that he fears could get him committed to an asylum (which were fucking horrible places, as I said).

It brings to the scene that miserable sense of isolation and loneliness to that has defined Tom’s entire life up to that point (and, partially due to his own bad choices, continues to define it).

And, when Dumbledore accepts it, his posture changes. he becomes more confident and more at ease, as he describes the... utilities of his magical abilities. 

"All sorts," breathed Riddle. A flush of excitement was rising up his neck into his hollow cheeks; he looked fevered. "I can make things move without touching them. I can make animals do what I want them to do, without training them. I can make bad things happen to people who annoy me. I can make them hurt if I want to."

Riddle lifted his head. His face was transfigured: There was a wild happiness upon it, yet for some reason it did not make him better looking; on the contrary, his finely carved features seemed somehow rougher, his expression almost bestial.

I do think Harry, our narrator, is being a tad bit judgmental here. Magic is probably the only thing that brings Tom happiness in his grey, lonely world, and when I was Tom's age and being bullied, if I had magic powers, you'd better believe that I'd (a) be bloody ecstatic about it (b) use them. And, like Tom, I can't honestly say that I can't imagine getting a bit carried-away with it. Unfortunately, we can't all be as inherently good and kindhearted as Harry.

Reading HBP again, as a 'mature' person, it almost seems like the reader is being prompted to see Tom as evil just because he's got 'weird' facial expressions.

So... uh...

Nope, let's judge Tom on his actions, not looks of 'wild happiness.'

To his great surprise, however, Dumbledore drew his wand from an inside pocket of his suit jacket, pointed it at the shabby wardrobe in the corner, and gave the wand a casual flick. The wardrobe burst into flames. Riddle jumped to his feet; Harry could hardly blame him for howling in shock and rage; all his worldly possessions must be in there. But even as Riddle rounded on Dumbledore, the flames vanished, leaving the wardrobe completely undamaged.

Okay, one thing I dislike is Tom's lack of emotional affect when Dumbledore burned the wardrobe, in the books, he jumped up and started screaming, instead of looking passively (in shock, perhaps?) at the fire. Incidentally, I can't really tell if he's impressed or in shock, to be honest. I think they really tried to make Tom 'creepier' in the movie.

This is one of the incidents where Dumbledore's inability to deal with children crops up.

I think he was trying to teach Tom that magic can be dangerous, and he wouldn't like it to be used against him, but burning the wardrobe that contains everything he owns was a terrible move on Dumbledore's part. Tom already has very limited trust in other people, and now, he's not going to trust Dumbledore at all -- now, he's put Tom on the defensive/offensive for the rest of their interaction, and perhaps for the rest of their teacher-student relationship.

Riddle stared from the wardrobe to Dumbledore; then, his expression greedy, he pointed at the wand. "Where can I get one of them?"

"Where do you buy spellbooks?" interrupted Riddle, who had taken the heavy money bag without thanking Dumbledore, and was now examining a fat gold Galleon.

But I'm not surprised Tom is 'greedy.' He's grown up in an environment where if he wants something, whether that's affection, food, money, toys, he's got to take it. There's no one looking after his needs specifically. I'm not surprised that he's a thief and a hoarder, and I don't think that counts as a moral failing necessarily, and more of a maladaptive way of seeking comfort. It would be bizarre if he came out of Wool's Orphanage a complete saint.

Additionally, I think given that the Gaunt family has a history of 'mental instability,' Tom is a sensitive child, and the trauma of growing up institutionalized and possibly being treated badly due to his magical abilities or personality disorder deeply affected him.

And there are points where it seems that Dumbledore is quick to judge Tom.

"He was already using magic against other people, to frighten, to punish, to control."

"Yes, indeed; a rare ability, and one supposedly connected with the Dark Arts, although as we know, there are Parselmouths among the great and the good too. In fact, his ability to speak to serpents did not make me nearly as uneasy as his obvious instincts for cruelty, secrecy, and domination."

"I trust that you also noticed that Tom Riddle was already highly self-sufficient, secretive, and, apparently, friendless?..."

And while this is all empirically true, these are (a) a product of Tom's harsh environment, and (b) do not necessarily make him evil. But the point remains that child psych didn't exist as a field of its own, and psychology as a proper science was in its infancy, so I'd be shocked if Dumbledore was insightful about Tom's situation.

But I've gone a ton of paragraphs without citing anything, so I've got to rectify that.

Let's talk about Harry Harlow's monkey experiments in the 1950-70s.

If you're not a fan of animal research, since I know some people are uncomfortable with it, feel free to scroll past.

Here's the TL;DR: Children need to be hugged and shown affection too, not just fed and clothed, please don't leave babies to 'cry out' and ignore their needs because it's backwards and fucking inhumane. HUG AND COMFORT AND CODDLE CHILDREN AND SPOIL THEM WITH AFFECTION!

I will put more red writing when the section is over.

This is still an interesting experiment to have in mind while we explore the whole 'no one taught Tom Riddle how to love' thing and whether or not it's actually a good argument.

Andddd let's go all the way back to the initial 1958 experiment, featured in Harlow's paper, the Nature of Love. (If you're familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, him and Harlow actually collaborated for a time).

To give you an idea of our starting point, until Harlow's experiment, which happened twenty years after Dumbledore meets Tom for the first time, no one in science had really been interested in studying love and affection.

"Psychologists, at least psychologists who write textbooks, not only show no interest in the origin and development of love or affection, but they seem to be unaware of its very existence."

I'm going to link some videos of Harry Harlow showing the actual experiment, which animal rights activists would probably consider 'horrifying.' It's nothing gory or anything, but if you are particularly soft-hearted (and I do not mean that as an insult), be warned. It's mostly just baby monkeys being very upset and Harlow discussing it in a callous manner. Yes, today it would be considered unethical, but it's still incredibly important work and if you think you can handle it, I would recommend watching at least the first one to get an idea of how dramatic this effect is.

Dependency when frightened

The full experiment

The TL;DW:

This experiment was conducted with rhesus macaques; they're still used in psychology/neuroscience research when you want very human-like subjects, because they are very intelligent (unnervingly so, actually). I'd say that adult ones remind me of a three-year old child.

Harlow separated newborn monkeys from their mothers, and cared for their physical needs. They had ample nutrition, bedding, warmth, et cetera. However, the researchers noticed that the monkeys:

(a) were absolutely miserable. And not just that, but although all their physical needs were taken care of, they weren't surviving well past the first few days of life. (This has also been documented in human babies, and it's called failure to thrive and I'll talk about it a bit later).

(b) showed a strong attachment to the gauze pads used to cover the floor, and decided to investigate.

So, they decided to provide a surrogate 'mother.' Two, actually. Mother #1 was basically a heated fuzzy doll that was nice for the monkeys to cuddle with. Mother #2 was the same, but not fuzzy and made of wire. Both provided milk. The result? The monkeys spent all their time cuddling and feeding from the fuzzy 'mother.' Perhaps not surprising.

What Harlow decided next, is that one of the hallmarks being attached to your caregiver is seeking hugs and reassurance from them when frightened. So, when the monkeys were presented with something scary, they'd go straight to the cloth mother and ignore the wire one. Not only that, but when placed in an unfamiliar environment, if the cloth mother was present, the monkeys would be much calmer.

In a follow-up experiment, Harlow decided to see if there was some sort of sensitive period by introducing both 'mothers' to monkeys who had been raised in isolation for 250 days. Guess what?

The initial reaction of the monkeys to the alterations was one of extreme disturbance. All the infants screamed violently and made repeated attempts to escape the cage whenever the door was opened. They kept a maximum distance from the mother surrogates and exhibited a considerable amount of rocking and crouching behavior, indicative of emotionality.

Yikes. So, at first Harlow thought that they'd passed some kind of sensitive period for socialization. But after a day or two they calmed down and started chilling out with the cloth mother like the other monkeys did. But here's a weird thing:

That the control monkeys develop affection or love for the cloth mother when she is introduced into the cage at 250 days of age cannot be questioned. There is every reason to believe, however, that this interval of delay depresses the intensity of the affectional response below that of the infant monkeys that were surrogate-mothered from birth onward

All these things... attachment, affection, love, seeking comfort ... are mostly learned behaviours.

Over.

Orphanages, institutionalized childcare, and why affection is a need, not an extra.

His face is lit the exact same was as Coulson’s was in COS (half-light, half-dark), and I said I was going to talk about this in Part 3. I think perhaps it's intended to make Fiennes-Tiffin look more evil or menacing, but I'm going to quite deliberately misinterpret it.

Now, for some context, Dumbledore has just (kind of) burned his wardrobe, ratted out his stealing habit, and (in the books only, they really took a pair of scissors to this scene) told him he needs to go apologize and return everything and Dumbledore will know if he doesn't, and, well, Tom's not exactly a happy bugger about it.

But interestingly, in the books, this is when we start to see Tom's 'persona,' aka his mask, start to come into play. Whereas before, he was screaming, howling, and generally freaking out, here, he starts to hide his emotions -- in essence, obscure his true self under a shadow. So this scene is really the reverse of Coulson's in COS.

And perhaps I'm reading wayyy too much into this, but I can't help but notice that Coulson's hair is parted opposite to Fiennes-Tiffin's, and the opposite sides of their faces are shadowed, too.

Riddle threw Dumbledore a long, clear, calculating look. "Yes, I suppose so, sir," he said finally, in an expressionless voice.

Riddle did not look remotely abashed; he was still staring coldly and appraisingly at Dumbledore. At last he said in a colorless voice, "Yes, sir."

Here's an article from The Atlantic on Romanian orphanages in the 1980s, when the dictator, Ceausescu, basically forced people to have as many children as possible and funnel them into institutionalized 'childcare', and it's absolutely heartbreaking.

There's not a whole lot of information out there on British orphanages in the 30s' and 40s', but given that people back then thought you just had to keep children on a strict schedule and feed them, it wouldn't have a whole lot better.

The only thing I've found is this, and it's not super promising.

The most important study informing the criteria for contemporary nosologies, was a study by Barbara Tizard and her colleagues of young children being raised in residential nurseries in London (Tizard, 1977). These nurseries had lower child to caregiver ratios than many previous studies of institutionalized children. Also, the children were raised in mixed aged groups and had adequate books and toys available. Nevertheless, caregivers were explicitly discouraged from forming attachments to the children in their care.

Here's a fairly recent paper that I think gives a good summary: Link

Here, they describe the responses to the Strange Situation test (which tests a child's attachment to their caregiver).

We found that 100% of the community sample received a score of “5,” indicating fully formed attachments, whereas only 3% of the infants living in institutions demonstrated fully formed attachments. The remaining 97% showed absent, incomplete, or odd and abnormal attachment behaviors.

Bowlby and Ainsworth, who did the initial study, thought that children would always attach to their caregivers, regardless of neglect or abuse. But some infants don't attach (discussed along with RAD in Part 2).

Here's a really good review paper on attachment disorders in currently or formerly institutionalized children : Link

Core features of RAD in young children include the absence of focused attachment behaviors directed towards a preferred caregiver, failure to seek and respond to comforting when distressed, reduced social and emotional reciprocity, and disturbances of emotion regulation, including reduced positive affect and unexplained fearfulness or irritability.

Which all sounds a lot like Tom in this scene. The paper also discusses neurological effects, like atypical EEG power distribution (aka brain waves), which can correlate with 'indiscriminate' behavior and poor inhibitory control; which makes sense for a kid who, oh, I don't know, hung another kid's rabbit because they were angry.

Furthermore...

...those children with more prolonged institutional rearing showed reduced amygdala discrimination and more indiscriminate behavior.

This again, makes a ton of sense for Tom's psychological profile, because the amygdala (which is part of the limbic system, which regulates emotions) plays a major role in fear, anger, anxiety, and aggression, especially with respect to learning, motivation and memory.

So, I agree completely that Tom needed a lot of help, especially given the fact that he spent eleven years in an orphanage (longer than the Bucharest study I was referring to), and Dumbledore wasn't exactly understanding of his situation, and probably didn't realise what a dramatic effect the orphanage had on Tom, and given the way he talks to Tom, probably treated him as if he were a kid who grew up in a healthy environment.

In case you are still unconvinced that hugging is that important, there's a famous 1944 study conducted on 40 newborn human infants to see what would happen if their physical needs (fed, bathed, diapers changed) were provided for with no affection. The study had to be stopped because half the babies died after four months. Affection leads to the production of hormones and boosts the immune system, which increases survival, and that is why we hug children and babies should not be in orphanages. They are supposed to be hugged, all the time. I can't find the citation right now, I'll add it later if I find it.

But I think it's vastly unrealistic to say that Dumbledore, who grew up during the Victorian Era, would have any grasp of this and I don't think he was actively malicious towards Tom.

Was Tom Riddle failed by institutional childcare? Absolutely.

Were the adults in his life oblivious to his situation? Probably.

Do the shitty things that happened to Tom excuse the murders he committed, and are they anyone's fault but his own? No. At the end of the day, Tom made all the wrong choices.

And, for what it's worth, I think (film) Dumbledore (although he expresses the same sentiment in more words in the books) wishes he could go back in time and have helped Tom.

"Draco. Years ago, I knew a boy, who made all the wrong choices. Please, let me help you."

[ihatecispeople]

cant believe i will write these words but: before i get into MY interpretation of omegaverse heats during ramadan i NEED to make it clear that i am not a muslim scholar. i. am NOT. a muslim scholar! i look at this from a sunni lay perspective

ALSO. beloved mutuals. my friends. do NOT judge me for the omegaverse knowledge i have . at this point its like knowing what a furry is: its just part of being online too much

-----

for those not muslim: during ramadan, muslims fast from dawn til dusk for 30 days. fasting includes: no intake of water which reaches the stomach, no intake of food or other solids which reaches the stomach (including medication), and no sexual activity. though islam doesnt forbid masturbation the same way western christianity does (it essentially is seen as the lesser evil between "premartial sex or Not Doing That" OR "forcing/pressuring your spouse into sex or not"), partaking in sexual activity (reaching orgasm and/or ejaculation, but also pursuiting sexual intimacy including watching porn) is considered breaking your fast. voluntary vomiting also breaks your fast. apart from these four core ones, different denominations and cultures will consider further things breaking your fast, such as smoking, listening to music, etc.

you are traditionally exempt from fasting if you require vital (oral) medication, you are old, sick, breastfeeding, pregnant, and/or if you're menstruating. basically, exemption to fasting is on the basis that you are unable to fast due to a bodily condition which puts you at risk if you don't consume food and water. you're still discouraged from sex during sun hours, though. important: exemption from fasting is not the same, religiously, as allowing certain vital behaviours and considering the fast as not broken

lastly, if you have a condition which is not chronic, such as you are menstruating, you are expected to supplicate those days of fasting before the next ramadan. if you intentionally break your fast, each day intentionally broken is supposed to be supplicated by 60 days of fasting before the next ramadan

so like, would entering an omegaverse heat during ramadan break your fast? MY interpretation is that it depends on what the heat would be like.

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heat type 1: the heat is just increased sexual urges. then no, entering the heat would not necessarily break your fast. unintentional erections, unintentional ejaculations, unintentional lubrication - none of these things break your fast. these are bodily functions that can and do happen outside a sexual context. if the heat is simply getting extra horny, and this is considered a bodily occurrence outside of conscious decision, it is your job to resist sexual thoughts and sexual activity, including masturbation, until nighttime. if you break this, tough it up, thats 60 days of fasting for every day you couldn't resist

heat type 2: if the heat causes pain, weakness, or another state of extreme discomfort if not sexually alleviated, i think we're looking at a bodily condition which exempts you from fasting, likened to menstruation. you are expected to make up for each missed day where you ate/drank before your next ramadan. i genuinely can’t see islamic scholars deciding that either masturbation or sexual intercourse during the day is encouraged, so either masturbate in shame or toughen it out until night falls. then you can enjoy yourself alone or with your spouse

okay, so for the nuances in between: what if you can trigger a heat by having a certain mindset? i.e. ur close to someone you’re attracted to, so you go into heat because you get horny when you look at them. if your heat is like type 1, you’re free to go. no fast broken, if you resist it. if your heat is like type 2, that’s breaking the fast. listen, i’m just channeling the islamic scholars of old: if you can control your thoughts in our reality, then in an omegaverse reality you should be able to control your thoughts too. islam is big on taking responsibility of your own actions. YOU saw someone you’re attracted to and now YOU’RE in heat to the point where you need to break your fast to alleviate it? buddy thats your own problem not Allah’s (swt) 😂 ramadan is about self restraint and keeping our base animal urges (thirst, hunger, sexual drive) in check for a few hours to empathise with those people that are forced to go without enough water and food year around. if you hung out with your beau intentionally, i would wager its 60 days for each day you’re in heat. if it came out of the blue, say its 1 day then

if one person in heat can trigger another’s: you’ve broken the fast. it’s not your fault though, unless you hung out with someone in heat intentionally. the other person should know their condition, and like it says in the Quran to close your village down if it has plague to save the other villages around you, the other person should’ve known to keep separated from those they can heat inflict upon.

heat typ 3: you just cant stop yourself from having sex or masturbating during your heat (basically a more extreme form of heat type 2, with or without pain if you go without). excuse you, you should be able to. WE ARE ABOVE OUR ANIMALISTIC URGES. this a) breaks your fast (if only because you should be eating and drinking to calm down), b) probably would be considered intentional (if you go through with it, i mean). 60 days supplication. your heat lasts 10 days of straight, um, lovemaking? well it’s not MY fault you need to fast 600 days in like 325, you should’ve known better.

heat type 4: the heat can be suppressed by taking a pill. take the pill during nighttime. you’re fine. fast not broken

heat type 5: the heat can be suppressed by taking an epipen-like shot just as its coming along. most scholars agree: injections during fasting hours, because they dont reach the stomach, dont break your fast. take it and continue fasting for the rest of the day

heat type 6: if you dont have sexual intercourse during your heat you may fall seriously ill or die. simple: the breaking of the fast is forgiven, no matter how you got the heat to begin with. life and its continuation is above all else in islam, and if you’re at a risk of dying… well slap me on the back and go fuck, i guess. you would need to supplicate one day for each day lost though, because the heat still isn’t a chronic condition

-----

if you’re muslim and disagree with anything ive said, PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU. please argue with me. we NEED this discussion to happen. just wait until dusk 😉

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

I’m guessing all Vmins were right Sweet night is about the past. I guess it’s why Tae give it for the movie instead of for his mixtape. I’m guessing JM gave him the ok to do so and why he’s been silent about it cause it’s over between them. TK are making it too obvious. jk treating JM like they aren’t friends suddenly. jk in purple/green all the time. v not shutting up about jk suddenly. JM is not handling it well. I guess it’s why v said he likes JM the most (guess as friend) cause he feels bad

Admin 1: “Sure, go and release a song easily identified as being about us and your hope of me giving you a second chance with a hopeful ending seeing as we aren’t together anymore, sounds like a nice idea to me. Go, Taehyungie, do it. Then also let me hold your hand on national TV and show it to the cameras happily, smile sweetly at you while we stand next to the president, talk about our song and memories and how much they mean to me, perform this song that's essentially a love letter to our bond in a live-streamed concert for almost 800k people, and when you tell me you like me the most, I’ll say I like you a lot as well. Because we’re over and not even friends anymore.” Sounds like some sound logic to me, and I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible to humans.

Honestly, either I’ve just been around too long and all these asks are starting to sound the same and impossibly uncreative, or they are just getting more farfetched and bizarre. If you want a proper answer, I told you, bring something to the table that hasn’t been talked to dust yet, or leave it be.

To quote Tae, the man who knows best what he feels: 95z is love.

Until he (and Jimin) changes his mind, this is the answer I have for any and all Xkooker ask, as well as any other ship involving Tae or Jimin.

Also yes, I did see the hate against Jimin that exploded yesterday, we even have an ask about it in our inbox, and honestly these types of questions, anon? Yeah, you're not helping, in fact, you are part of the problem, just saying.

Admin 2: Man, man, man!

We didn't really want to answer these types of questions anymore, but this ask takes the trophy when it comes to delulu/nonsensical questions, so I decided to answer it after all. Because it’s hot and I need a distraction.

Also, this question basically confirms most of our suspicions we’ve had so far. Let me explain.

Folks, who is behind these kinds of stories which are being presented and preached as truth on various sns?

I don't believe this is any single persons invention (in this case, that anon came up with this idea “without help”), if anything it’s the result of delulu, and often times toxic, scenarios and stories created by a group of people intended to further a narrative and actively disrupt the “peace” within ARMY (or at least that’s what it feels like since all these things do is ignite hate and toxicity). Where is the origin of it all? Ship centric YouTube channels.

It is very evident that these "imaginative creators/shippers" behind those videos have no consideration of the consequences and harm their content does because, in my opinion, the more controversial and clickbait-y, the better. You know why? More views means more money, which is the goal of it all. We’ve spoken about this before, I believe, how these videos on “ship evidence” and “ship drama” for Xkookers are the most beloved topics of these videos and thus make up one of the easiest means of generating income, in some cases even something upward of $80k a year depending on the channels CPM, sub and view count.

The average person has to work hard all year round to make this amount of money, if they even have a job that brings in that much. So, it is not surprising that these content creators go very far in their fantasies to support their claims and keep their viewers/costumers engaged and coming back.

I wouldn't be surprised if the creators (or rather the whole lot of them) of both Xkook camps are basically the same people, because their ideas, conclusions and explanations all sound the same and follow the same nonsensical patters. Which is why we’ve already told you many times that the best thing you can do is stay away from this type of content altogether.

So! Let's analyze this ask a little more:

"…Vmins were right Sweet Night is about the past. I guess it’s why Tae give it for the movie instead of for his mixtape."

Ok, let's say Tae wrote "Sweet Night" for Jimin, but in the meantime he has changed his feelings (that's how I understand the question) so he gave the song to the Itaewon Class OST instead of putting it on his mixtape. I wanted to note that Taehyung's mixtape isn't finished yet and we will probably wait many more months for it.

It seems to me that Taehyung really wanted to show his feelings to the world, so he saw an opportunity with the OST, and therefore a quicker release for SN, and took it. The fact is that SN is about the past, but there is also hope for the future, hope for the fulfillment of wishes, which likely did come true judging by how Tae said he wrote SN during tour abroad (so sometimes summer/early autumn 2019 perhaps) and we saw vmin holding hands at the airport on Tae’s birthday in 2019 when they thought no one would see, just three months before SN was released (and likely long schedules for said release since these types of things don’t just happen overnight) and many, many other such things.

“I suspect that JM gave him his consent and why he kept silent about it because it was over between them, TK makes it too obvious. "

And I suspect that Jimin was very touched by Sweet Night and ultimately wrote Friends in which him and Tae sing: “Many promises and memories / and more to come / Someday, when these cheers die down, stay hey / You are my soulmate”

The fact is that BTS didn't say much about SN, but it was the same with many of their other SC releases as well, so it wasn’t unusual, especially since SN came out while they were promoting MOTS7. Also, in my opinion, the content of this song is too personal to be able to describe/discuss the song in detail beyond the bit that was mentioned during Tae’s vlive with Namjoon. During a Japanese interview, the members basically confirmed/pointed out how romantic Tae is and when SN came up, Namjoon “coincidentally” turned around toward Jimin who has a similar facial expression of pressed lips as he did during Let’s BTS.

"JK treats JM as if they suddenly weren't friends"

And here I have caught you, dear anon. I think you're not even looking at the original BH content, but that instead you are basing your conclusions and opinions on manipulative YT ship videos instead because if you would’ve watched the original content like RUN, the recent SOWOOZOO concerts, and interviews, you wouldn’t arrive anywhere near such thoughts and conclusions.

Jimin and JK are still close, also Jimin calls JK his little brother (dongsaeng) and JK describes Jimin (or associates these words with him) as charm and cute. Does there seem to be any kind of conflict between Jimin and Jungkook? Certainly not, no.

„JK always in purple / green. v not shutting up about jk suddenly."

You mean their microphone colors? I wanted to point out how Tae wore a yellow shirt during the concert, which is the same color as the chick emoji ARMY associates with Jimin as well as his mic color. LOL.

As far as I know, when Tae has something to say, he will say it, and if he is praising JKs songs, and especially You Eyes Tell which we know is a song Tae liked a lot, that is a good thing. It simply means Tae appreciates the song JK created, appreciates and values his talents and hard work. If the entire band praises Namjoon and his lyrics/contributions on their songs, does that automatically also mean all six are “not shutting up about him” and therefore must be in love and in a relationship with him, or it’s an indicator of it? If anything, it’s merely an indicator that Tae is an honest person and JK did a good job on those songs. Easy as that.

That's my favorite part of the question: "JM doesn't handle it that well. I think that's why I said he likes JM best (as a friend, I guess) because he feels bad."

Personally, I consider myself a person with a great imagination, but I wouldn't really come up with a scenario like that.

How cruel of a person do you think Tae is? Imagine they aren’t together anymore or close anymore, or whatever else you tried to insinuate anon, and then Tae would go on national TV and do this whole thing of asking for the card in his letter to Jimin to be blurred and then said “Jimin-ah I like you the most”? To do something as hurtful as that you either have to be a sadist or an asshole and I’d like to believe even you, anon, don’t think in such a way about Tae, of all people.

Perhaps that’s something dumb teenagers or kids would do, but not adult men in their mid-twenties who see each other every single day, are part of the same team and have to work with each other. This is real life, not a soap opera. If these types of dramas really would be happening within BTS, they would’ve stopped existing as a band a long time ago because no one would be able to live with such actions and people for a prolonged amount of time. BTS are grown men, best friends, even found family, and not actors on a badly written TV show for our entertainment where they act out increasingly stupid relationship drama in which JK somehow ended up being the toy going from hand to hand like he’s not even an actual person anymore.

In summary, this question was written by a child, teenager, or an emotionally immature person naïve enough to buy into outlandish ship narratives.

Anon, hear what the members had to say during FESTA 2021. Make your own conclusions and stop watching and believing the nonsense on YouTube. As Tae said: Get out of your imagination. It’s not good in there.

[steveyockey]

well then how DO you square that in ur brain (curious not accusatory)

love this question. for context for anyone seeing this without having read all my tags, the question in its totality is basically “how do you square your understanding of brokeback as a text that should not have happy ending fanfiction written about it while also living in the pocket of big destiel and solemnly believing in the radical cosmic power of fanart of them kissing sweetly?”

the first place we need to look for an answer to this is this tweet that explains in my mind a lot about just how gay people respond to media in general

full disclosure I did watch glee but not with my parents, but I appreciate the spirit here. when we talk about “lgbt media” we’re eliding a really widely varying collection of stories. our sister killjoy alongside love, simon. beach rats AND set it off! and for a lot of people in the current wave, there’s a big concern about telling gay stories with happy endings. I understand this! I see where the impulse is coming from! but I also question often how this sort of notion is deployed against lgbt storytelling. the day the supernova trailer dropped I listened to someone rant about how we only get sad movies as though the thoughtful romantic tale of two older gay men supporting each other through illness is the same as dallas buyers club. it irks me! not every story should have a happy ending and also not everyone agrees with what constitutes a happy ending. does a character dying automatically make an ending tragic? do the leads not ending up together preclude happiness? what does it mean to hold gay stories to the standard of only eliciting positive emotions? what do we lose if we can’t trust ourselves to look at unhappiness and just live with it?

proulx is a wonderful case of an author with a clear reason for her unhappy ending, she wants you to understand something less about these characters and more about the world they inhabit. she isn’t concerned with whether they are gay or straight or bi because she’s concerned with what happens when you grow up internalizing the idea that you deserve a tragic ending. like the ultimate sadness of brokeback to me is that ennis blames jack and himself for jack’s death. he can’t understand homophobia any other way than something that is caused by his own actions because his world is so steeped in it. he just has to stand it because he can ONLY stand it. when you just rewrite brokeback to give ennis a boyfriend at the end or bring jack back, you aren’t actually engaging with the work on the work’s terms. you are creating a completely different character to square in your own mind your discomfort with the reality proulx created specifically so you would sit with that discomfort.

I like sad gay stories! I like that they take the ugliness and shame and try to place it outside of me so I can look at it without feeling like it’s only mine to carry. I like messy gay stories where gay people do bad things and aren’t morally justified! I think destiel has a lot of sad ugliness and lack of moral justification that makes it absolutely diabolically wonderful in a way that would never have happened on the cw if these were just two cookie cutter lgbt characters named as such by the narrative who had to act in ways that corresponded with a mainstream understanding of queerness. and a lot of me likes a sad destiel ending where you do save the world at the cost of everything you hold dear or where you die because death doesn’t care if you have suffered enough and deserve a soft epilogue. but supernatural wasn’t actually trying to give me either of those endings. it was trying to make me shut up about the gay storyline they fed me and despised me for clinging to all the same. and this is not to say that we should judge every work based on ONLY the intentions of the author and the moral judgments we pass on them as a human being, but supernatural is a show deeply concerned with asserting its own moral goodness and correct takes on its own story. it doesn’t actually want me to think about the tragedy of the ending it gave me because it doesn’t see it as tragic. so then if I’m not supposed to see it as tragic, it would only follow that I’m allowed to find the ending I don’t think is tragic! the real becky laundry finale! I am engaging with the work on the work’s terms because the work told me the story is mine and it showed me that by engaging with me in decade long psychological warfare over whether lgbt people can be multifaceted protagonists. bringing becky back only confirmed what we knew all along — that we had a seat in the writers room. a sweet destiel ending is not in conflict with the messiness of the narrative, or at least not beyond the realm of things supernatural already did in its run that contradicted established notions about its characters. they can love each other and be selfish and spiteful and they can love each other in ways that are selfless and warm. they left us on a precipice in 15.18 that told us these men are defined by an unspoken love and we will now speak it! so it’s fitting that we speak it again and again in different forms with every silly little headcanon about the sugary domestic shit they get up to now that it’s been said.

[robininthelabyrinth]

part 3 of Escape Your Destiny (Star Wars Wangxian AU) - on ao3 or tumblr part 1, part 2

-

He had been right to reject seclusion, Lan Wangji thought grimly. The sweet siren call of calm contemplation had nearly seduced him, the Dark Side seeking to eat away at him through other means now that anger and hatred had not done the work – he would have meditated himself into a stupor, becoming little more than a vacuum within the Force, a black hole of deathly intent.

More than that, though, he would have missed – this.

This disaster.

Wei Wuxian’s lips were pale from blood loss and hypothermia. Two of his limbs were at odd angles, probably broken, and Lan Wangji feared that there were more like them beneath the body that was bruised like a tender peach – he had been shielding as many people as he could, Lan Wangji knew, because he knew his Wei Ying too well to think that he might have done anything else.

Lan Wangji still didn’t know all the details, what exactly had been the disaster or why Wei Wuxian’s starfighter had crashed when he knew (with painful recollection) exactly how good a pilot Wei Wuxian was, but it hadn’t really mattered. Xue Yang had rushed into his chamber shouting excitedly - not exactly a rare event - saying something about an alarm and a disaster and a crash and can I have one of these gadgets? possibly two, maybe, I’m thinking two but haven’t really committed yet, it’s a big decision you know, and Lan Wangji’s blood had run cold when he realized what alarm he was referencing.

(A proper Jedi would never have tagged the object of his affections like an endangered bird or a criminal, injecting the tracking chip so deep into bone and muscle that standard scans wouldn’t pick it up and even in-depth scans might register it as a naturally occurring aberration. A proper Jedi would think of such intimate surveillance as cruelty, dehumanization, the caging of a free bird –

A proper Jedi wouldn’t have known what happened.

A proper Jedi wouldn’t have been able to rush over at once, wouldn’t have been in time to retrieve the body from the wreckage, finding it still warm and breathing but swiftly fading into the Force.

A proper Jedi would have been worthless.)

“That looks pretty bad, Master,” Xue Yang said, the comm crackling in his ear, and for once his tone was almost solemn. Perhaps the lessons on empathy were working, following the introduction of the rancor Xue Yang had named Chengmei with an expression so pained and vicious that Lan Wangji had refrained from asking. Perhaps it was that he’d grown so obsessed with his pair of bounty hunters and their foundling assistant, a little not-blind Bothan girl who liked to mouth off at him. Or perhaps it was just something as simple as knowing that if Wei Wuxian were lost, Lan Wangji would have no reason to –

No reason to anything at all.

“It is within the limits of what a bacta tank can heal,” Lan Wangji said, because it was, it would be, as long as he got him there in time. 

Time that was swiftly running out.

Later, when Wei Wuxian was safe, Lan Wangji would return to that obscure little space station that had nearly caused his beloved’s death and he would find out what had happened properly. He would find out, and he would slaughter every one of them that caused it, torment them for days if he needed to in order to know who to blame – it didn’t matter if their contribution were accidental or deliberate, major or slight. He would offer up a sacrifice of their suffering to the Dark Side, as solemn as lighting a stick of incense at a temple –

When Wei Wuxian was safe.

Because he would be. He had to be.

Lan Wangji’s Wei Ying would not die so easily.

“Uh, Master? We don’t have a bacta tank.” Xue Yang was silent for a long moment. “I don’t know that many people around here that do. This is Outer Rim, remember? Not even the Hutts have one.”

“There is one in an outpost in the Quiberon sector,” Lan Wangji said. His attention was split between piloting their stolen ship as fast as he could and monitoring Wei Wuxian’s vital signs. He had transferred a certain amount of energy into him already, but the Dark Side was poisonous in overly large quantities, especially if one was not accustomed to it; a pure Jedi like Wei Wuxian couldn’t tolerate it, and Lan Wangji would not risk making him worse. “Inat Prime system. I’ve entered the coordinates. Set us up for a jump to lightspeed.”

“Inat Prime,” Xue Yang repeated, instead of doing as he was told. “Isn’t that – near Rothana?”

Lan Wangji said nothing.

“Rothana’s a manufacturing planet. Heavy engineering – warships. It used to belong to a subsidy of the Jin Engineering Corps, maybe still does, I don’t know, but either way manufacturing planets like that are where those sleemos keep their precious IP. And that means it’s going to be guarded and booby-trapped up your chubba. Who in their right mind would set up an outpost anywhere near there?”

Xue Yang was descending into Huttese slang again, Lan Wangji noted to himself, keeping his calm only by sheer force of willpower even as the Dark Side screamed in his mind that now was the time for rage and pain and blood. Given his hatred of the entire species, Xue Yang only did that when he was especially anxious and didn’t want to admit it.

Later, when he didn’t have more pressing things on his mind, Lan Wangji would have to inquire of his apprentice – which he had previously believed was as transparent to him as a sheet of transparisteel – how he had learned about things like top-secret Jin Engineering manufacturing planets and IP and such things like that.

Later. Right now, he didn’t care.

“Prepare for jump,” he said again, the threat in his voice clear, and this time Xue Yang scrambled to obey, mumbling curses as he went. This was more typical of Xue Yang, but in this case it signified that he was concentrating, and that was all Lan Wangji cared about.

The rest of the trip passed as if in a daze, time counted in the beats of Wei Wuxian’s heart. Still strong, because Wei Wuxian was strong – this wouldn’t be the end of him. It wouldn’t.

Lan Wangji would make sure of that.

“We’re here,” Xue Yang said, breaking through Lan Wangji’s extreme focus on the rise and fall of Wei Wuxian’s chest. “I’m going to guess that our destination is the third planet? If you can call those other ones planets, they’re barely more than asteroids…”

Lan Wangji hummed, affirming.

“So, you going to tell me what this place is? Some super-secret Sith hideout?”

“No.”

“Smuggler’s base? Bounty hunter lair? Mandalorian terrorist cell? Clone factory?”

Lan Wangji rolled his eyes. Xue Yang had been reading too many historical action comics again.

“No, but seriously, Master! I deserve to know what we’re getting into, don’t I? What is this place?”

Lan Wangji was tempted to say you deserve nothing but what I give you, you filthy-tongue swamp-rat, but that was the Dark Side speaking, not him, and not only because the Gusu Lan Jedi order in which he had been raised did not permit cursing. It was simply anathema to him - he was Sith, but not a Lord, and he had encouraged this self-same insolence because it was better than having Xue Yang cringe before him like a kicked dog.

No matter how irritating it might be at times like this.

“It’s Jedi,” he said shortly, and to his amusement that actually shut Xue Yang up for a solid minute.

“I’m sorry, Master, I think I temporarily went insane due to Dark Force poisoning,” Xue Yang finally said. “But did you say that we’re planning on popping over and ‘borrowing’ the bacta tank of a bunch of Jedi?”

“Mm.”

“Master. Master. Please tell me you remember that we’re Sith, right? Sort of the sworn enemy of the Jedi? Arrest-on-sight orders? Any of this ringing any bells here? No? In short, have you lost your mind?”

Lan Wangji took Wei Wuxian’s pulse again. It was getting increasingly thready; he frowned.

“Take us in,” he ordered, and Xue Yang made a whining sound not unlike an especially agitated cat, but he obeyed, finding the planetary base and flashing them with a urgent medical attention required signal and transmitting the passcode Lan Wangji recited to him.

The base opened its doors in silent invitation.

Xue Yang took them in, apparently resigned to his fate and determined to pointedly suffer and judge him without saying a word.

This determination cracked the second they passed through the gates.

“Master!” he shrieked. “Master, Master! That’s the Qinghe Nie emblem!”

“It is,” Lan Wangji agreed. Foreseeing Xue Yang’s next question, he added, “It is here because this is an outpost of the Qinghe Nie Jedi order.”

Xue Yang sounded a bit like a rusty door when he hyperventilated, and even more so when he started laughing hysterically. How had he ever survived being a Sith before, if this was how he reacted to stress?

“Great, right, yes,” he said, nearly howling. “Sure, why not? Let’s go knock on the door of some Jedi and ask them for a bacta tank like we’re borrowing a cup of sugar, sure, okay, we can do that. Jedi are chumps, they’re all about mercy and sympathy and bantha fodder like that; we can con ‘em - it’ll be tricky, but it can be done when you’re in a pinch. I’m fine with that, up for it, it’s cool, all cool. You know who we can’t con? Qinghe Nie, that’s who. ‘Suppress evil no matter the cost’ Qinghe karking Nie.”

Lan Wangji ignored him, scooping Wei Wuxian into his arms and heading out into the saber hall.

Three grim-faced Jedi dressed in the immediately identifiable colors of the Qinghe Nie were waiting there, hands on their lightsabers and droids lingering in the corridors, but they did not attack. Instead, they led Lan Wangji, a nervous Xue Yang dogging his heels, to the medical bay, never uttering a single word.

The medical droids took Wei Wuxian from his arms – Lan Wangji forced himself to recall the Lan sect mantras on restraint and allowed them to do so without ripping out their wires for daring to touch him – but it wasn’t until Wei Wuxian was firmly encased in the bacta tank, the oxygen-rich liquid flowing into his lungs to heal him, the colors on all the screens all showing positive signs, that he was finally able to release the breath it felt that he’d been holding since he first saw the broken starfighter that encased Wei Wuxian’s broken body.

This was fine.

“Wangji,” a low voice said from behind him, and Lan Wangji’s back stiffened.

This was not fine.

The Qinghe Nie were a strange order of Jedi – almost heretical, really, by any traditional measure. The orthodox Jedi order, for the most part, valued calm and serenity and selflessness, prioritizing the logic of the mind over the yearning of the heart, preaching detachment from worldly concerns and attachments…

Qinghe Nie, in contrast, valued righteousness, and cultivated rage.

Halfway to Sith, Lan Wangji’s uncle had once remarked after a glass of something stronger than tea. He’d regretted it later, of course, and tried to walk it back, smooth over his uncharacteristic rudeness, but Lan Wangji still remembered.

The adherents of Qinghe Nie were of the view that for every virtue there was a fault – that the Jedi’s emotional remove would at times render them passive, that self-control could too quickly shade into indifference. They argued that it was the duty of the virtuous to be enraged by evil, intolerant of it, and that only through that anger would they be motivated to act to eradicate it.

Their philosophy often led to their deaths, whether through reckless action or through the corruption of rage into madness, but even their harshest critics had to concede that they were devastatingly effective. 

Lan Wangji had always thought that there was something heartbreakingly sincere about all the Jedi that took the harsh vows of Qinghe Nie, each one willingly trading away long lives for the sake of righteousness, for the ability to make a change in the world, each one unable to tolerate life if it meant they weren’t striving to make things better. Perhaps they did not match the Jiang for creativity or the Lan for elegance, perhaps their techniques were more brutish and less refined, their diplomacy little short of appalling, but no other Jedi order could match them for sheer power.

Very few people wanted to be between a Qinghe Nie Jedi and their target, and still less if they had allowed themselves to succumb to the beserker rage that sometimes took them on the battlefield – indeed, in a crisis that called for force of arms, most people who knew what they were about would rather have a single Qinghe Nie on their side than an entire battalion of war-droids from the Jin or Wen engineering corps.

Still, even that efficiency might not have been enough to convince the ancient sticklers of the Jedi Council to condone such a Sith-like view of the Force, but the Qinghe Nie also had an unsurpassed connection to the kyber crystals that were essential to the creation of lightsabers – the mines under their hands were far more numerous and more fruitful than any other order, and for all that they seemed to have dubious connections to the lightsabers they crafted and wielded, with their highly unusual one-sided edge, they were always open-handed and willing to let other Jedi pick freely from their stores. 

With the ancestral weapon of the entire Jedi order at stake, even the Jedi Council unwillingly bowed its head to reality and compromised.

Not very happily. Especially since the fierce young head of the Qinghe Nie order – the great Chifeng-zun, Nie Mingjue – had been constantly causing trouble for them ever since he had been admitted to their deliberations.

More relevantly, though, was that Nie Mingjue was also a good friend of Lan Xichen, Lan Wangji’s elder brother by blood, and it had been the gift of his token, his passcode, never revoked, that they had used to enter through the gates.

(Look what happened to the Twin Jades you prized so much, my old clansmen, Uncle, Father, Grandfather. Look at me now. Begging for scraps from a Nie -)

Lan Wangji turned and saluted, bowing deeply and ignoring Xue Yang, who had progressed so far into hysterical laughter that he was now hiccupping.

Nie Mingjue caught his hands and raised him up, just the way he always had, and that grim face surveyed Lan Wangji from top to bottom, those searing eyes seeming to pierce into the depths of his corrupted soul.

“You look well,” he said, which surprised even Lan Wangji, who had thought himself beyond surprises. “That’s good.”

“What the fuck,” Xue Yang muttered. “What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck – you guys are with me here, right? This is kriffing insane…”

The Qinghe Nie Jedi ignored him.

“Chifeng-zun,” Lan Wangji said politely, and ignored the man’s raised eyebrow. He was not about to fall back into calling him da-ge the way he’d done back when he was in the Jedi crèche, no matter how tempting – everyone had called Nie Mingjue da-ge back then, too young to be afraid of his fierce and barely leashed energy. “Thank you for lending us temporary use of your base.”

There wasn’t really a polite way to say I wasn’t expecting to run into you here under the circumstances, but from the way Nie Mingjue snorted, Lan Wangji suspected he’d understood regardless.

“Checking up on the Jin,” he said, an explanation that Lan Wangji didn’t deserve to hear. “Treasonous svapers, the lot of them. Is this Wei Wuixan?”

Lan Wangji nodded. His heart was unexpectedly in his throat as Nie Mingjue studied the other Jedi through the glass of the bacta tank, though he wasn’t sure why.

He was Sith now, after all. Why would he care what Nie Mingjue thought?

It would have been easier if Nie Mingjue had been angry at him, full of rage the way he so often was. Easier if he’d turned his tongue as sharp as any lightsaber to scolding him, or turned his face away in coldness. Nie Mingjue notoriously despised the Sith, had probably meant to call the Jin Sithspawn instead of svapers earlier, had probably switched the word only in deference to Lan Wangji’s current occupation – which meant he knew, because of course he knew, there was no way Lan Xichen hadn’t told him even if his position on the Council hadn’t already entitled him to all such secrets.

He knew, and he still persisted in acting like – like –  

“Cute enough,” Nie Mingjue commented, and Lan Wangji covered his suddenly burning face with both hands. “You have good taste.”

“Please stop,” Lan Wangji mumbled, mortified beyond all belief. Xue Yang was looking back and between the two of them with his jaw gaping wider than a Gungan’s.

Nie Mingjue snorted, amused. “I carried you around on my shoulders when you were knee high, Wangji. I think I’m entitled to torment you a bit about your crush.”

Xue Yang looked like he was going to forsake the ways of the Sith, convert to Qinghe Nie, and start logging prayers at the temple of Nie Mingjue, and Lan Wangji couldn’t even blame him.

“Don’t you have anything to say about –” Lan Wangji shut his mouth with a snap. 

He didn’t actually want to hear Nie Mingjue exorcising him for his choices, no matter how little he regretted them.

Nie Mingjue was silent for a moment, contemplative. “No.”

Lan Wangji blinked, not understanding.

“I don’t have anything to say,” Nie Mingjue clarified with a shrug. “I can’t say I entirely understand why you chose what you did, but we all choose our own paths in the Force, Wangji. I have faith that even though your path leads you to the Dark Side now, it will eventually lead you back to us once more. If you keep your sense of righteousness about you and continue to stand up for what you believe is right as you always have – and avoid engaging in the wholesale slaughter of innocents the way so many Sith do – I will never be disappointed in you.”

…maybe Lan Wangji would allow the people in that spaceport to live.

But only because it would hurt Wei Wuxian to know that he had sacrificed so much for nothing, of course. It was pure selfishness, nothing more. 

(The Dark Side hissed in his head, bitter-angry-vicious-hate-hate-hate, but Lan Wangji hadn’t been Hanguang-jun for nothing. He controlled himself, allowing for only the influences he chose to accept – it was his independence that had led him to the Dark Side, and his independence, he believed, that would allow him to forge his own path, as Nie Mingjue had said, even inside the ways of the Sith. His uncle would say that such thoughts were pure arrogance, pride before the fall, but, well. He’d already Fallen, hadn’t he?)

“Would you like to stay with him until his vital signs have recovered?” Nie Mingjue asked, and Lan Wangji nodded, grateful despite himself.

Grateful, too, that Nie Mingjue did not speak of Lan Wangji reconciling with the rest of his old order.

“I will not stay longer,” he added. “I know it must be a burden to you, opening your doors to one such as me –”

“Ridiculous,” Nie Mingjue scoffed. “This is a secret base, Wangji. If you don’t say anything about it, who’ll know? And before you ask, I’m going to tell Wei Wuxian that you saved his life whether you’re here for him waking up or not, so take that into account when selecting your leave time. And I’ll exaggerate.”

He would, too, Lan Wangji thought fondly. Nie Mingjue had always been big brother to all the Jedi younglings, no matter how grown up they eventually got, and he never let them forget it.

“I’ll consider it,” he allowed, and settled into a meditation pose at the side of the room.

“As for you,” Nie Mingjue said to Xue Yang, who straightened up so quickly that he might as well have attached a ruler to his spine. “I hear that you’re the one that’s been attacking Hutt palaces?”

Xue Yang glanced at Lan Wangji, who sighed. 

“You shouldn’t encourage him, da-ge,” he murmured. “He gets into enough trouble as it is.”

“Comradery does more to defeat evil than any amount of solitary philosophizing,” Nie Mingjue proclaimed, certain as ever in his own righteousness. It would be unbearably irritating if it was anyone less sincerely bullheaded about it, earnest but full of flaws. “Anyway, it’d be good for some of our padawans to see a Sith in action without needing to go up against one right off the bat. You in?”

“…in? I don’t – there aren’t any Hutt palaces around here..?”

“They take their travelling palaces on the Quiberon Line,” one of the Qinghe Nie Jedi said, and Xue Yang’s eyes lit up at the promise of what he undoubtedly thought was an opportunity for wholesale slaughter. It wouldn’t be, of course, not when he was going to be fighting alongside the strict Qinghe Nie, but it would keep him busy for the time it took Wei Wuxian to stabilize and recover.

Maybe Lan Wangji would even stay long enough to speak with his Wei Ying before retreating to be his silent and unwanted protector again.

Maybe.

[undertakermybeloved]

As a person who experiences OSDD 1b, I've always headcanoned the Undertaker to have the same disorder. The way he so quickly switches between personas reminded me of how I experience my own disorder, and I decided to write this on it. Please note that is is not reflective of all disassociative disorders, and is based off of my own experiences!

Rating: Mature, 14+

Warnings: Mentions of death and murder, minor mentions of necromancy, necrophilia and sex

I wasn’t always like this. At first I didn’t even know. It seemed to happen so quickly, when really it was a slower process than trying to get your scythe registered with dispatch. 

Dispatch.

That's what caused this. It's all dispatches fault, of course. It's always their fault.

    I am the Undertaker. I’m sure you’ve heard of me. If that doesn’t ring a bell, maybe the name Legendary Death does. The most famous reaper to ever exist, loved by all and hunted by his own admiriers. Once a stoic man, unsympathetic, unloving, unattached. Wherever did he go? There is no possible way me, the kooky old mortician with a necrophelia problem, could ever be the same person who reaped Marie Antoinette and judged the soul of Robin Hood. Well, that would be because I’m not.. Partially.

    My body was indeed the vessel that completed those tasks, but I was not the one orchestrating them. I was in the back seat, an observer of my own life. I lived like that for so long, I didn’t even realize it was out of the ordinary. It was like sleepwalking. I did not control my own movements, did not hear my own thoughts, and did not speak my own words. Because they weren’t mine. They were Adriens.

    At least, that is what I have come to call him. I know what you’re thinking, and it is indeed ‘my’ old name, but I cannot seem to associate myself with it. My name is the Undertaker, that is who I am. Adrien is no longer me. A part of me, yes, just as much as I am a part of him.

    We are split. Two pieces of a whole being, separated into two seperate conciousnesses, to complete two separate jobs. 

    Being a reaper is a horribly taxing occupation. You commit suicide and are now forced to live forever for your horrible crime against the universe, against the very God all humans revere so. Your punishment is an immortal soul, and a job where you are forced to watch others finally achieve the peace you never good. It truly is the most clever and sinister punishment. 

    Being one of these criminals for over a thousand years, (I don’t care enough to keep track of the exact number,) I may be one of the oldest reapers who has not yet been forced into a medical coma to keep them out of the way, despite my frequent infringements against Shinigami rule. 

    Anyhow, I’m getting side tracked. Back to the point.

    Adrien. While that used to be my name, it is no longer me. I had to train myself as a reaper, not only physically but emotionally as well. Do not be sympathetic, do not become attached. Simply do your job and move on. But it takes a toll on one to, every day, watch the sick and the healthy, the old and the young, the rich and the poor, all laying upon their deathbeds. Especially the children. The poor, crying children. One cannot simply watch them sob as you take their soul and not feel some sort of remorse for the action. So, I put up an act. Played the part of an emotionless, stoic man long enough for my conscious to split. There was the reaper, the one who could handle seeing the dead and the dying, the one who didn’t experience the gut wrenching emotional grief.

    And then there was me. The weak one.

Weak. 

Too weak to do my own damn job, to the point I managed to split myself in two. A mirror image of myself, the same but better, better at his job, better at interacting, simply better. 

    I sat in the back for hundreds of years, stuffed away and watching my body be puppetted by one who was not me. I watched myself murder, I watched myself make love, but I was never there. I wondered sometimes, why did I feel like I was no longer in control? Well, it is simply because I wasn’t.

    It was like watching a movie where you play the main character. You see them, and it looks like you, but it isn’t. The way they act, talk, and even just carry themself is so drastically different from your own mannerisms that you can scarcely believe it is you who you are seeing.

    When I was finally in control again, it felt like I had just been saved from drowning. It was just a second, such a minor slip up of my counterpart, but it was long enough for me to realize I wasn’t alone, and had not been for longer than I’d ever known.

    That was when I left. I forced myself into control, and I had to make sure everyone knew I was no longer me. 

    One extravagant show of mass genocide later, I was free. I was free. Free from my own alter ego, free from the association, free from my punishment. Despite being part of the undead, I had never felt so alive.

    I traveled everywhere, released everything that had been hidden away in my own body for so long. Finally, I was the one to murder, I was the one to make love, I was the one to simply experience. It was me. 

    Eventually, I became weary of traveling the world. I was free enough. Free to control my own body, and that was all I needed. 

    I settled down, found a little shop on the market for cheap and took up mortuary studies.

    After my life as a reaper, most would think I’d prefer to stay away from death, but rather it brought me comfort, and continues to bring me comfort to this day. No longer having to watch people as they die, I am able to deal with them while already dead. And that is the difference between me, the Undertaker, and my own frgament, Adrien. 

    Being split like this for so long, the line between myself and Adrien is distinct and rather hard to miss. However, there are times where the line blurs, where we mix and entertwine into some sort of amalgamation pretending to be what we once were. The time on the Campania was where the line was blurred the most, to the point where there was hardly any line anymore. It felt like our subconscious was desperately trying to force us back together, despite being separated for much too long for such a thing to be even considered as a simple possibility. 

    Raising the dead was a combined effort between the both of us. Both of our anguish and grief, anger and despair, and sheer desperation to be one again came out in the form of necromancy. That is why we are better apart. The two of us are simply too different, too separate, by now to be able to merge without only causing problems.

    Being together again- or, as together as we could be- felt odd. I was both in and out of control at the same time. I could instruct our body to move, but I was only half there, and it was the same for Adrien as well. We were in control, but only partially. Our movements and speech wound together and created new movements and sentences, a new method of fighting, a new way of speaking. I’m surprised we weren't both a mess, being in control at the same time, but I suppose the half-assed merge was either to thank or to blame for that. We split again afterwards, which did not come as a surprise, and it was far from as dramatic as the first time. Trying to put us back together again is like cutting an apple in half, then carmelizing half of it and putting the other half in a pie, and trying to put the pieces back together once it's done. It simply doesn’t work, and it's much easier, more pleasant and more convenient to enjoy the two separately. 

    I don’t have much recollection of what it felt like to be whole, but it doesn’t bother me too much any more. Like I’ve said many times, and like I’ve come to realize after many years, is that we are simply better separate.

    Dispatch most likely already has a theory about my split personality. They always seem to know more about their reapers than the reapers know about themselves, and despite being retired, that rule remains the same for me. While I consistently refuse their ‘offers’ of a psych evaluation, (their offers being closer to not so gentle insisting and persuasion simply to have me in captivity,) they’re probably going to take me in by force eventually. I am old, after all. About a thousand something, I don’t care to remember. I can’t fight of these young, energetic reapers forever. They’ll reign me in, most likely sooner rather than later, and quite frankly I’m not particularly inclined to care what they do with me once they have me. Torture, questioning, what have you, I don’t much mind. They’re going to do what they please with me, whether I like it or not. If there's just one think I know about dispatch, it's that they always get their way.

    Oh well. If they somehow find a way to kill me, they’ll be doing me a favor. Maybe I’ll have my own body in the afterlife.

[jin-c-stories]

A Conversation With Death

Hey! I was in a reflective mood the other night and wrote this. It's not based on my religious believes but is just a fun story.

----------

A Conversation With Death

Everything before me was dark. I stepped into it, walking further into the darkness. Behind me was a bright light. It felt right to move on. I was ready. 

A person was in that darkness. His face remained neutral as I approached. “Are you Death?” I asked.

“Is that who you think I am?”

Giving the question some thought I answered. “Not entirely, but I can’t be sure.” The absolute darkness in the distance was unchanging, but my human eyes caused shadows to dance and play. Teasing me with their games. “Are you the Devil, or God?”

“Do you believe me to be either?”

“No.” His energy was becoming more familiar to me the longer I talked to him. I had known him my whole existence. “Does that mean Heaven and Hell aren’t real?”

“What do you believe?”

I smiled. “I’ve never believed in them. The whole ‘your actions will be harshly judged,’ and ‘Hell is a hot place where you watch your skin melt off, Heaven is a place made of gold where everyone lives like celebrities’ never sat right with me.”

“What do you want Heaven to look like?”

Galaxies sparked at my fingertips. A book twirled from the nothing. “Infinite knowledge. Seeing everything from a perspective I couldn't imagine. That doesn’t feel fair to me though. Knowledge should be something earned, not given.” The book disappeared as a smile grew on my face. “Watch it be an existence that I can’t even fathom yet.”

“That’s not what you really believe.”

“No, it’s not.” I tapped colors into the void that quickly faded. A child’s happy squeal echoed. “Mama, mama!” My socks slide on the kitchen tiles. By some miracle I stayed up right. 

“Hey Jinny.” My mother greeted me. 

“Look what I did!”

“Did you draw this?”

I nodded. 

“Awe, it's so pretty, thank you.”

“You’re welcome!”

I had forgotten this moment. My mother’s smile as she hung my picture on the fridge. Later I would find all those pictures neatly organized in a couple filing bins.

“To me, this would be Heaven. Living in my past for all of eternity.” The scene faded leaving us in darkness again. 

“Some would see this as Hell.” My old friend responded. 

“It is.” We sat in silence for what only felt like a second, but was likely an eternity. If time could even reach us out here. “Do you also greet dinosaurs?” 

He looked at me perplexed. 

“I mean if you greet all souls that die that would mean you’ve seen dinosaurs, dogs, and other animals right?”

A small laugh escaped the ancient being. “Yes, I have.”

“But you don’t greet them as a human. After all, humans are a more recent phenomenon. If I had been a triceratops would you have greeted me as one of my own kind?”

“That is what I did, isn’t it?”

“It was.” I smile. Turning back I study the light I came from. “I have a lot more to learn before I come back here.”

“You do.”

I turned back to him. “I was probably the easiest soul you convinced to go back, wasn’t I?”

He remained silent.

Taking that as my cue to leave I stepped towards the light.

“May I ask you one last question before you go?”

I glanced back at him, hoping he would stop me. “Yes, of course.”

“What do you believe the afterlife really is, and my role in it?”

The void stared at me from behind him. From it came whisperings from a life nearly forgotten, but that I already knew. “You are a guard. You stand on the edge of nothing to guide lost souls back to the last paradise. The last of what used to be many. When I come back I will try to create another, I promise. This time we will get it right, we humans may be destructive but I know we can do better than our predecessors.”

He nodded. “Me too.” His eyes were filled with hope. “Until the next time we meet, farewell.” 

I walked alone into the light, prepared to learn all I could, for the next time I met with death.

[thedumpsterqueen]

Standards of Performance, Chapter 3: Boundaries and Text Messages

Regular weekly update! Look at me go! This one took me ages to write for absolutely no reason, and then ages to edit because the AO3 text editor kicked my ass. Hopefully the formatting isn’t a dumpster fire, and hopefully you enjoy! Sidenote: you are always welcome to scream about Hotch, nsforwork or not, in my inbox.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2

AO3 Link

Summary:  You’re the BAU’s newest intern, desperate to prove yourself amongst an established team of much more experienced profilers. Agent Hotchner, the seemingly infallible team leader, sets strict expectations for your performance. He commands your respect without even trying, but is there something more to your relationship than a simple desire to impress your stony-faced boss?

Chapter: 3, Boundaries and Text Messages

Chapter Summary: You discover that the unsub isn't what he seems, and overstep some boundaries you probably shouldn't have.

Words: 2291

Rating: Explicit, 18+

Pairings: Hotch x Reader, Hotch x You

Back in Hotch’s hotel room, the three of you were sitting on the ground, surrounded by textbooks and torn-out pages covered in the seemingly mindless scrawls of the suspect. Well, you and Morgan were on the floor; Hotch was at the desk chair. Hotch wasn’t really a sit-on-the-floor type of person.

Morgan groaned and rubbed his temples for the third time in an hour. “It means nothing, man. He researched all this shit so he could commit the crimes in a way that would fuck with us.”

Hotch sighed and nodded in agreement. “It certainly seems that way. That explains the inconsistencies in the profile. However, we can still understand the subject by the signatures he chose.” He pointed to a scribbled note in a textbook section about the psychology surrounding different methods of murder: “Slashing throat? Effective + easy.”

He looked at you. “What can this note tell us about our subject?”

“Um, it doesn’t sound like the cause of death is important to him. Like it’s just something he needs to do. A necessity. Right?” you responded, somewhat unprepared for this sort of pop quiz.

“Exactly. And this tells us more about him. This isn’t about the kill; it’s about what he does beforehand. It’s about the rape,” Hotch said. “Don’t be so humble. You know more than you think you do.”

Your face felt hot, and you looked at the floor - an increasingly regular occurrence around him.

Morgan spoke up, still visibly exasperated. “If he spent so much time trying to throw us off, why did he pick victims that were so easy to tie to him?”

“He’s an idiot?” you offered before you could stop yourself.

Really professional. Holy shit, please shut up.

The faintest trace of a smirk graced Hotch’s face. “You’re not entirely wrong. He isn’t particularly intelligent, based on the information we’ve gathered so far. Not nearly as complex as we initially assumed.”

“Yeah, well, either way, he’s a nut. And Gracia can’t find anything about where he might be, and I’m starving,” Morgan said, standing up. “I’m gonna pick something up. You guys want anything?”

“Get me whatever looks good,” replied Hotch, focused on whatever written ramblings he was currently dissecting.

“You?” Morgan asked you.

“Just get me whatever you get him,” you said. “Thanks, Morgan.”

Morgan nodded and grabbed his jacket. “Be back soon.”

He closed the door, leaving you alone with your boss that you definitely didn’t have an erotic dream about the night before. You tried to focus on the textbook, but the words swam. After a few minutes, you huffed and set the book down.

“Shouldn’t we be looking for him right now instead of reading his weird psychobabble?”

Hotch looked up from his work with a raised eyebrow.

You continued, “I just mean, isn’t it more important to stop him from killing again? We already know he did it based on the stuff he wrote in the books, we don’t need to fully understand his motivations to confirm that.”

“Yes,” Hotch said, “but these offenders rarely cease their behavior out of nowhere. His appetite is alarming; he took three victims at once. We don’t know if those were even his first assaults or kills. Given that Garcia couldn’t locate any family or friends, we have no idea where he might be, so our time is best spent learning how to predict his actions and respond if someone else goes missing.”

He was correct, of course, but it just didn’t feel right - like you were sitting and waiting for something terrible to happen before you could do anything. Hotch must have sensed your frustration, because he leaned forward towards you, elbows resting on his knees, and continued in a slightly softer tone, “I know you feel helpless. We all do in situations like these. But trust me, we’re accomplishing more here than we would be trying to canvas the entire city.”

“I know,” you mumbled. “You’re right. It’s just, seeing the photos of those girls, knowing the type of person that’s out there, it’s hard to convince myself I’m doing enough just sitting here.”

“You’re not just sitting here, and you know that,” Hotch said, sternly. “You’re doing your job. People will die with or without us; our job isn’t to save them. It’s to catch the people that kill them.”

“But how do you deal with it?” you asked, growing more bold than you probably should be. You weren’t just asking about this case anymore, and you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted him to understand that. You wanted to ask him how he did it - how he woke up every morning alone, how he suffered an unimaginable loss at the hands of some of the purest evil society could produce and went back to the job that showed him more of that evil every day.

Judging by the hard set of his jaw, he knew exactly what you were getting at.

“I do it because I have to,” he said. Every word sounded measured, like he was explaining something he had dozens of times before.

“You don’t,” you whispered, but you knew you were wrong, at least to him. You knew he felt it was his responsibility to shoulder the burden so other families didn’t have to experience what he did. You had a background in psychology, and this was pretty low hanging fruit. A therapist would have a field day with him, but you weren’t a therapist, and you certainly weren’t in any position to tell your boss, a leader with decades of experience in the field, that he shouldn’t be taking all of this on.

He evidently didn’t find your comment worthy of a response, as he went back to picking through the pile of evidence. You’d hit a nerve though - his posture was more rigid, his almost-permanent scowl even more pronounced. The tension built with every second of silence, and you suddenly wished you could go back and erase the conversation.

Thinking better of trying to repair the damage you’d done, you kept the subsequent conversation focused on the profile. By the time Morgan got back, you had a fairly good idea of the suspect’s psychology, and after a quick break for fried rice and a video chat with the team, JJ set up to deliver a press conference from the police precinct in Vegas. Hotch switched on the news on the hotel TV, and you sat back to watch.

“The man currently suspected of committing the triple homicide that left bodies here in Vegas, in Phoenix, and in San Diego is an obsessive sexual predator,” JJ said to a waiting crowd of reporters and police. “He displays characteristics of a stalker, and women who interact with him may describe him as creepy or off-putting. Though murder is not his ultimate goal - in fact, he may not be completely comfortable with the act - he views it as a necessary step to dispose of his victims post-assault.”

“Do we usually do this?” you whispered to Morgan, “Release the whole profile publicly?”

“Nah, but with this guy, we want him to know we’re onto him,” he said back, trying not to disturb Hotch, who was watching JJ’s address intently. “He put so much effort into throwing us off, we gotta let him know we see through his bullshit. It’s the only play we got right now, considering we got no idea where he is.”

You turned back to the screen, where JJ had moved on to talking about the suspect. “His name is Ellory Matthews,” she said, holding up his ID photo. “He’s a 24 year old white male, about 5’9” and 200 pounds. We have strong reason to suspect he is involved and currently trying to evade the police. He is considered armed and extremely dangerous, so if you see him, please do not approach and call 911 immediately.”

Hotch, apparently having heard enough, stood up and turned off the TV. “Hopefully someone has seen him and can tell us where he is. If not, this should be enough to scare him into making a mistake.”

You tried not to think about the fact that a mistake still probably involved someone being hurt or killed.

“Get some rest. I’ll clean up here. Morgan, before you head to bed, call Garcia again and see if she’s found anything that can point us to where he might be.”

“Got it, I’ll let you know. Night, Hotch,” Morgan said.

You echoed Morgan and headed back to your room.

____________

After getting ready and tucking into bed, you found yourself completely unable to fall asleep. The conversation with Hotch kept replaying in your head - how resentful he’d looked when you asked him how he does his job, knowing that you were asking about it in relation to his family members’ deaths. He was a reasonable man, and you knew you hadn’t done anything wrong on the surface, but you shouldn't have pushed it, especially since the events you were referencing had been relayed to you by JJ in private. You weren’t even sure he wanted you to know about what happened to his wife and kid.

Shit, I might have really fucked up.

You rolled over and yanked your phone off the charger, and before you had time to convince yourself it was a bad idea, you sent him a message.

Me: Hey, sorry to bother you, I know it’s late. I just wanted to apologize if I offended you during our conversation earlier. You’re an incredible agent and boss and I didn’t mean to imply you shouldn’t be in the field for any reason.

You scrolled through Instagram mindlessly, waiting for his response, but he texted back almost immediately. Knowing him, he hadn’t even made an attempt to go to bed; he was probably still up reviewing the case.

Agent Hotchner: I understand. No need to apologize. I knew you’d hear about what happened sooner or later, and it’s natural to question my judgement, considering. I hope my actions in the field haven’t done anything to lend credence to that concern.

A weight lifted from your shoulders at his response, knowing he wasn’t angry with you.

Me: No, not at all, Sir. You and the team have been incredible and I’ve already learned so much. If I ask a question, please know it’s for my own learning rather than questioning your decisions!

Agent Hotchner: I’m glad to hear that. Please always feel free to ask questions.

Me: Thank you so much! Will do!

Satisfied with conversation, you set the phone back on the nightstand and rolled over. A few moments later, though, it buzzed again, and you looked at the screen.

Agent Hotchner: “Sir” is a little formal for text messages though, isn’t it?

You blinked, struggling to process the tone of the message. Was Aaron Hotchner making a joke? You messaged him back hesitantly.

Me: Can never be too formal! :) Is there something you’d prefer?

Agent Hotchner: Oh, I’m sure you can figure something out.

Your eyes widened at that, and you sat up in bed, staring at your screen. If you thought he was messing with you before, this was more; this was almost… flirting.

Ok, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, you thought, trying to calm your embarrassingly high heart rate. He’s older. Way older. He probably doesn’t text that much, and he probably doesn’t realize how that came off.

Me: I’ll let you know when I do.

Agent Hotchner: Please do. Sleep well.

You placed the phone back on the bedside table, almost shaking with adrenaline. What was wrong with you lately? First you have a sex dream about your boss (who’s old enough to be your parent, you might add), and now you’re freaking out because he texted you something that could possibly be, in some interpretations, construed as flirting.

Hotch was attractive, of course. You’d have to be an idiot not to admit that. He was handsome in a way you didn’t see often - not the obvious, in-your-face stunning like Morgan was, or even the adorable, put-together look that Reid gave off. Hotch was old-school handsome, like he should be in a black and white movie smoking a cigarette while his doting wife made him dinner.

Or something. It’s not like you’d thought about this before.

But even if he was handsome to such a degree that seeing him with two buttons on his dress shirt undone nearly gave you a heart attack, leaning into this fantasy you were unconsciously creating where your relationship was anything more than boss and intern had the potential to destroy your career. Hotch could read people like a book, and if you were unable to conduct yourself normally and effectively at work for any reason, your internship and aspirations would be tossed out to the street.

Time to stop being an idiot.

Sometime during your mental dissection of the text conversation and its implications, you must have fallen asleep. You were awoken to a still-dark room and someone gently squeezing your shoulder, saying your name.

“Wha- oh, it’s you. I’m so sorry, did I miss something? What’s going on?” you asked, still not fully conscious.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Hotch replied, standing over you. You were suddenly thankful for the dark room and the blanket that were covering your lack of pants. “I tried calling you and knocking, but you didn’t respond. I figured you’d forgotten to turn your ringer on.”

“Shit, yeah, I did. I’m so sorry,” you said, sitting up. “What did you need?”

“It’s Ellory Matthews. Police caught him trying to kidnap another girl. He’s in custody.”

[captain-azoren]

I had some more thoughts about spirituality in the Avatar verse. Being spiritual doesn't seem to have anything to do with morality, it just means having a connection to nature, a sort of clarity and realization of how every living thing and action has an effect or influence on everything else.

Being spiritual is usually framed as a good thing, but in the franchise and mainly in Korra we do see a lot of examples of spirits antagonizing humans. I don't think that's contradictory, but I also don’t think that the franchise has done a great job really fleshing out the spiritual perspective on things. Book 2 of Korra tried to do this, but that season was incredibly sloppy and if that was a theme I think it was very poorly executed.

The spirits in Avatar aren't human and can't really be judged by human nature. From what I've seen, spirits seem to mostly embody concepts and ideas, rather than anything truly tangible. They represent things, like survival, identity, hunger, pride, harmony and discord, and they behave based on that.

Spirits aren't really animals either though. Non human animals seem to occupy a space between humans and spirits, creatures driven by base instincts rather than logic and will or anything loftier. In a way though, humans are between animals and spirits, as they are driven by both instinct as well as emotions and logic. Perhaps it's more like a loop of spirits, humans, and animals, and the Avatar resides in the middle to keep balance between all three.

As much we frame animals and the environment as good things to preserve, the wilderness is more often than not extremely brutal. You either die of illness, you starve, or you get eaten. There is rarely ever a comfortable life with nice, peaceful death. As humans, we've done all we can to avoid ever having to suffer like this through our high intellect and our technological advancements, yet we are still bound by our animal instincts and the environment we live in. Our brains are our greatest tools of survival, but our tools aren't what separates us from animals. Our instincts combined with our intellect have given rise to our worst traits, our pride, greed and lust, but also our best traits like our empathy and imaginations.

At least within the context of Avatar, humans are animals, but one of the only spiritual animals and the ones most capable of using logic and reason. It is arrogance that causes some humans to believe they are so above and separate from nature that they cause the greatest harm to it, like with Zhao and the Moon Spirit.

The Fire Nation and Earth Empire basically embody people who have lost their spirituality and thus their connection to nature. Nature is only a resource to claim and exploit, rather than something you are a part of. Like how all four elements are one, so too are humans, animals, spirits and nature.

In the case of Unalaq, I think he could have represented spirituality without humanity. Humanity is empathy for others, to want to put an end to suffering. You must have some spirituality to be human, but it isn't everything. Unalaq’s flaws was the inability to see value in human’s uniqueness, in our capacity to live for things beyond our base instincts, or at least that’s how I would have framed it.

I think Zaheer kind of fits into the same role Unalaq did, in that he wanted to destroy the constructs of a corrupt and decaying human society to let chaos wipe the slate clean, to shake things up and allow a better world to grow. Zaheer had more humanity than Unalaq though, but still believed the ends justified the means, and overall was a much better antagonist. His spirituality allowed him to see how messed up the Earth Kingdom was becoming and wanted to change that, as opposed to being a narrow minded zealot like Unalaq. In the end though, he was short sighted, and did not see how his actions would unbalance the world and give rise to an even worse society.

The four elements are used to describe aspects of human nature, but I think more can be done if more concepts were brought in. Aspects of the animal kingdom could represent the paths between water, earth, fire and air; a tiger having the ferocity of fire but the freedom and independence of air. A turtle or even a tree being steadfast and steady like earth but with the wisdom and adaptability of water, etc.