#like. im kind of ashamed of feeling like that too because i know it's 100% deserved. i am both of those things

[kqluckity]

.

[effortandmore]

worth all your while (ch.4) | knj x reader

chapter summary: you've been with namjoon for 100 days and you both have surprises up your sleeves for each other. this is pure, sickening fluff and some smut. like... tooth-rotting, ridiculous fluff. i'm almost ashamed.

pairing: namjoon x f!reader

rating: explicit (18+ please)

genre: smut, fluff, light angst, au: famous, but not an idol

chapter warnings: just copious amounts of fluff. like WAY too much fluff. smut, face-fucking, handcuffs (but soft), edging, penetrative sex, unprotected sex

chapter word count: ~5.5k (total 23.8k)

a/n: hello, im almost embarrassed about all the fluff. it's really over the top in a way that i don't normally write. thanks to my friends, @ugh-yoongi and @the-boy-meets-evil for looking this over, i appreciate you both!

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It’s been almost one hundred days since you ran into Namjoon at a random duty-free shop in Heathrow. Time has passed quickly, and it’s gone like this:

It’s been wintery days slipping into spring. The snow on the peaks melts, the cherry blossoms and wildflowers begin to rise out of their hibernation, the world around you comes back to life. You and Namjoon hike together as the trails thaw, you run a little bit when the sun comes out, and you realize both that he’s in way better shape than you and that he pretends he isn’t so that you feel better about it. It’s pretty nice.

It’s been slow days (and long nights) filled with you and Namjoon defiling every single surface in his apartment, his studio, your apartment (sorry Jimin), a couple of alleyways, the backseat of the car his company always sends for him, and exactly one public park bench. 

It’s included anxious days of you asking for, and getting permission to tell Seokjin, your mom, and your sister about Namjoon and what he’s starting to mean to you. Seokjin, who is in deep with his girlfriend and seeing everything through rose-colored glasses, is ecstatic. Your mom asks when you’ll give her grandchildren, your sister asks how you “scored someone so far out of your league, for real.” 

(And then she asked if you could get her an autograph. Namjoon said yes while you had her on speakerphone, because he’s endlessly kind. In turn, that led to you throwing your hand over his mouth, him licking your palm in retaliation, and then the two of you forgetting your sister was on the phone in favor of making out on his sofa while her protests were muffled, phone lost between the cushions beneath you.

That was the time you learned he didn’t actually mind being bossed around a little. He said he sort of liked how you stopped him from speaking, cheeks pink and voice soft. Later, you had him underneath you, hands bound carefully to his headboard as he begged for you to do something, anything to give him a little release, and you told him how good he was in approximately sixteen different ways before you gave in. After, he thanked you for edging him so thoroughly, and thanked you for finally letting him come, and thanked you again with his tongue in a complete role reversal. 

You still don’t know when your sister hung up, but you did find a text from her the next morning letting you know that you were “disgusting and mom would be so disappointed in you.”) 

It’s been days of being taken by surprise. Jimin and Taehyung weren’t part of your disclosure plan, but they know about him now, too. One weekend—according to Namjoon, who is much better at keeping track of these things than you are, it was around day sixty of your… situation—they said they were going to Busan to see Jimin’s family and would be gone until Sunday night. Namjoon had come over approximately five minutes after your roommates left, and the two of you, with every good intention, had ordered pizza and flipped on a movie. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and all, because there was almost no time before he had you on your hands and knees, gripping the back of the sofa, and trying not to moan or whine or scream too loud. Then you heard the keypad at your apartment door and couldn’t figure out in your one-orgasm-in-already brain why the pizza guy would be trying to let himself in. The shriek that Taehyung let out when he pushed the door open let you know that it was not, in fact, the delivery guy. 

Jimin forgot his wallet. 

They’d made it all the way to Seoul Station to catch the KTX before they’d realized. “We were all the way there,” Tae whined, now seemingly undeterred that you and Namjoon were absolutely naked and mid-fuck. Namjoon pointed out (with a weak laugh and his dick softening inside you) that he was the only one in the room not making it all the way anywhere that night. Taehyung had high-fived him over your head for getting you there first at least and followed that up with, “Man, you look so familiar,” while you and Jimin stared at each other, both a little mortified.

“I’m still fucking naked,” you said, trying to get anyone to understand the gravity of the situation. Jimin grabbed a throw blanket and tossed it to Namjoon, who really was just doing his best given the circumstances. Once you were both dressed and your roommates had booked tickets on the first morning train, you introduced them properly to Namjoon and shared your pizza with them while they asked endless questions about your relationship. It was… memorable.

And mostly, the days have passed with date after date after date: movie nights at his place, dinners at quiet restaurants with private tables, picnics on temple grounds and in parks, and taking in small concerts of artists he knows from the darkest corners of backstage. Whatever you do now, you find time to talk. You have a lot of things in common and a lot of things to teach each other. Conversation generally flows pretty freely with you, and when it doesn’t, you find you don’t really mind being quiet with him, either. Sometimes, there are late nights where he is somewhere deep in his own thoughts, writing lyrics and chewing on his pen while you read with your head in his lap and let his fingers tease at your hair.

Those nights are your favorite. 

Ever since he’d told you around a mouthful of hotteok that he wanted to spend each day with you, it had pretty much happened. He doesn’t even let work obligations deter him. 

He’s decided the best sort of torture is to show up at art show openings and gallery events when he knows you’re working. Namjoon must be a glutton for punishment, because he claims to like only being able to look at you from across the room, making casual conversation with you like you’re solely professional acquaintances, brushing his hand across your hips when he passes you in crowded exhibit spaces and hoping only you notice the way his fingertips linger. At first, it was distracting, and it still is, but you like the way he gets your heart racing just from being in close proximity, the way he flashes you his dimples when he thinks he can get away with it… You think you might like the danger of being caught. 

(There was one particularly close encounter: you were backed against a wall outside the restrooms of a small museum, Namjoon had you caged in close, close, close and was telling you all the really interesting things he’d been thinking about doing with you when you came over to his place later. Your whole body felt hot, particularly the skin under your ear where he was speaking low and raspy, breath brushing your cheek, your neck… And then your boss had come around the corner, and the only thing saving you was her 100 mm heels which told you she was coming just before she could spot you. Namjoon jumped away and fussed with the button of his suit jacket. “I’d love to continue this conversation another time,” he said quickly, flashing you the same kind of staged smile you’d seen him give to strangers thousands of times. 

But when you did end up at his place later, there was no conversation to be had. Your knees hit the floor at the same time his dress slacks did, and you gave him exactly the scene he’d laid out for you in the museum, eyes teary and pupils blown as you swallowed him down and let him fuck your throat until he came. No talking after, either, since your throat was raw, but he made you tea with honey and ran you a bath with lavender salts and made sure you didn’t have to lift a finger for the next 24 hours.) 

So, it’s been almost one hundred days since you ran into Namjoon at a random duty-free shop in Heathrow. This fact is not lost on you, not one little bit, because he’s been a complete nervous wreck since the beginning of the week. He called you on Monday to see if you remembered that it was coming up this weekend, rambling about how important it is, how he’s going to make sure you have the best day, how he wanted you to know he hadn’t forgotten. 

It would have been cute, like practically everything else he ever does, except… You had forgotten. So his phone call on Monday kicked off five days of sheer panic for you, begging Jimin to help you find a gift, scrambling to get your Saturday assignment covered, and calling your mother to see if she had any advice. 

(Her advice was to pretend you hadn’t remembered, not buy a gift, and see what he got you first so that you would know the right ballpark. It explained a lot about why she’d been single for so long.)

“Baby?” 

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Theoretically, when does your passport expire?” 

You sigh. “We’re not leaving the country, Namjoon.” 

“Too much?” He sounds somehow disappointed and relieved at the same time. You can almost picture the look on his face, the way his nose crinkles a little when he hears or says something he doesn’t like. 

“Too much,” you affirm. 

“Okay.” You hear him take a deep breath. “Hobi, she says that’s too much.” 

In the background, you hear Hoseok cackling, and you try your hardest not to join him. It’s not that you think there’s anything about what Namjoon is doing to laugh at, it’s just that he’s so fucking adorable that you feel like you might burst. That affection is crawling and scratching at the inside of your chest and it has to come out somehow. 

“I bet you’ll think of something perfect,” you say. “I just want to spend it with you. Doesn’t matter what we do, you know?” 

There’s a pause; you know he’s turning your words over in his mind. Then he lets out a long sigh. “You’re so right. Just us. Maybe I’ve been overthinking it when it should just be simple.” 

“Simple,” you agree fondly.

“Okay, gotta go, but I’ll see you tonight?” 

“See you tonight.” You like him so much you could cry. 

When it’s been 99 days, Namjoon shows up at your apartment unusually early. It’s a Friday morning, and he’d told you not to make plans. Apparently, he’s enlisted your roommates for help, which is an unnerving development because they know too much and there’s no way they should be able to contact your… friend at will and vice versa. 

Taehyung wakes you up before eight in the morning promising coffee and something that sounds like, “a good dicking, but not from me, of course.” You roll out of bed at the idea of coffee and make your way to the kitchen, where you find both of your roommates with shit-eating grins on their faces and Namjoon with a nervous one on his. You can’t think of a time you’ve seen him dressed this early—he is decidedly not a morning person, preferring to stay up until just before the sun comes up and wake up sometime near noon. When you do see him at this hour, it’s usually when he’s naked and sleeping with a little bit of drool coming out of the side of his mouth. It’s much cuter than it sounds. You can fully admit to yourself that you’re pretty far gone for him if you think he’s adorable, sexy even (in a way), when he’s a snoring, drooling mess. 

“Hi,” you say, after realizing you’ve just been standing in the living room staring at him. “Should I get dressed?” 

Instead of answering, Namjoon takes a few steps closer to you and shoves his arm out, producing what appears to be a plant. “This is for you,” he says. “I know it’s not a ring, but I wasn’t sure I would pick one you liked, and I didn’t want to fuck it up, so... I got you this instead.” 

“It’s a bonsai.”

He smiles softly. “Yeah, a Chinese Elm. It’s easy to take care of, I promise. I can help you. This one is twelve years old, so he’s pretty established.” 

“Oh… Okay. Thank you.” You’re not sure what to say—no one’s ever given you a tree before. And it definitely wasn’t what you’d been expecting for a gift. 

Jimin is practically squirming on his barstool, like he’s about to jump out of his skin. “Tell her what you told us,” he says. 

Namjoon flushes pink immediately, and his voice drops a little. “I asked them if they thought it was an okay gift. It’s supposed to symbolize devotion.” 

You think you forget how to breathe momentarily. All of a sudden, the little tree in your hands seems a lot heavier and more fragile than it did before. 

“It’s perfect...” You know you sound totally done for, reverent even. But it matches how you feel. 

He leans in and gives you a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Glad you like it. We’ll have to think of a name this weekend.” He no longer sounds nervous, but excited about naming the tree, and it’s the newest topper to the list of endearing things about Kim Namjoon. 

“Coffee first, though?” you ask. “Please, coffee.” Because if you’re being honest, this is all a lot to process pre-eight in the morning. 

Taehyung and Jimin snicker and you remember you’ve had an audience this whole time. “You promised coffee,” you whine, directed squarely at Tae. 

Namjoon has that, too. A perfect, still-hot americano from the place you like by his apartment, which you know because it’s in one of their fancy branded glass travel mugs with the wooden lids that you always ogle but never buy because they’re stupid expensive for what they are. “To-go cup,” he says. “So you can drink it in the car.” He hands it to you, so you have a tree in one hand and your precious drink in the other, and then he turns you around by your shoulders and sends you back to your room. “Pack a bag for two nights, nothing fancy, no passport needed.” And then in a rush, he adds, “If that’s okay with you.” 

When you look over your shoulder at him, he looks soft and hopeful and exactly like the kind of person you’d follow to the moon and back. “Okay, two nights. Nothing fancy,” you repeat. “How long do I have?” 

“As long as you need,” he says, knowing full well you rarely take as long to get ready as he does, so it’s not that much of a concession. Still kind, though. 

You shower, get dressed, and do your skincare, all the while thinking about the man sitting in your living room, speaking in hushed voices with your roommates. Practically one hundred days and you still don’t really have a name for the thing between you—you don’t call him your boyfriend, you don’t talk about the future much, neither of you have said “I love you,” although you’re starting to feel like it’s going to roll off your tongue at any moment, which is terrifying at only three months in. 

There are books and movies where this kind of thing happens, and one of the partners is always worried about where the other one stands. Sometimes, you think the idea that you don’t even know what to call him when you talk about him should scare you. But it mostly doesn’t. Whatever the feelings are between you, they feel solid. There’s a tiny nagging feeling that you don’t know for sure if he’s only seeing you, but even that doesn’t seem like too big of an issue. Partly because you don’t think he’d really have time to date anyone else, but mostly because he gives you what you need regardless of what he might be giving to other people. So, you think, would it really matter? 

And then you see the tree sitting on your desk, the tree that supposedly means devotion, and you have a passing thought that it might be nice if he were devoted to you. And if you were to him. And if you only were to each other. And maybe your 100 days is the right time to tell him that. 

Maybe. 

You grab the envelope you’d had sitting there on your desk since Wednesday, your own strange gift for Namjoon, and you shove it in your purse. Just maybe you’ll give it to him, you think.

The drive as you leave Seoul is nice, as the buildings become more spread out and the landscape gets a little more verdant. You still aren’t used to the idea that someone just… drives him around, and by connection just drives you around, but it’s nice to share headphones with Namjoon in the backseat and watch the scenery pass and not have to think about anything. You think you’re close to falling back asleep as the minutes pass, with the white noise of the road and Nujabes in your ear and Namjoons fingers tangled with yours on the seat between you, his thumb tapping out an indistinct rhythm against your own.

And you definitely do sleep, waking with a start when the car pulls to a stop. Namjoon just woke up, too, you can tell by the blurry look in his eyes and the half stretch he gives like he always always does when he first comes to after sleep. You love knowing that about him, love all the little ticks and quirks that are so distinctly him all blending together into a person you care about, a complete person you might be starting to love more than you love each of the small pieces of him.  

“Where are we?” you ask quietly, looking out the window. 

“Nowhere,” he says. “Or… somewhere, but I don’t know what the town is called? There’s not much of a town anyway.” 

“Pretty,” you note as you open the door to see you are surrounded by trees. “Trees everywhere.” 

“It’s nice, right?”

“Really nice.” 

You’re a little wide-eyed as you look around. Because you don’t have a car or too many local friends, you don’t leave Seoul often. You definitely don’t go to places like this where the air feels thinner and lighter and the sun is blocked and dappled by leaves and needles instead of buildings. When you turn around, you see that on the other side of the car there is a house. A small house with a flat roof, a deck that’s bigger than the house itself, and seemingly endless windows. 

“A friend owns this place,” Namjoon says, coming to stand beside you. “Thought it would be nice to get away for a couple days.” 

“It’s beautiful.”

“Glad you think so,” he whispers. His breath against your ear makes you shudder and you don’t even pause anymore to wonder why he still has that effect on you. 

When your bags are inside, the driver leaves with a promise to come back Sunday midday to bring you back to Seoul. There’s a brief moment of worry that you don’t have food and your phone doesn’t have service and there’s no way that even Yogiyo makes it all the way out to where you are. You can’t even hear another person. 

“Joon-ah?” 

“Yeah?”

“What if we get hungry?” 

You can hear the smile in his voice when he answers even though you’re in the front room of the small house and he’s back in the bedroom. And as he tends to do, he gives you a simple answer to a simple question. “Then I think we’ll eat, baby.” 

“We didn’t get food.” 

Namjoon pads down the hallway toward you, rubbing his glasses on his shirt like a heathen who doesn’t care at all if he scratches the lenses. He probably doesn’t—you haven’t even been able to count how many different pairs he has. “No, we didn’t. But that’s because I already took care of it.” 

He walks past you into the kitchen and opens the fridge, which is already stocked. You follow him and peer over his shoulder. “All my favorites. Lots of fruit!” You’re a little bit excited—fresh fruit is expensive and indulgent and you don’t let yourself buy it too often for your own apartment, and Namjoon lives off of delivery, so he never has much around, either. 

“That’s right.” He gives you a smug grin as he closes the fridge, then turns around and pulls you in close. “All your favorites.” 

“You’re very thoughtful.” 

“I want,” he says softly and without breaking eye contact, his thumb brushing along your cheekbone, “to give you everything you want.” And even though it’s a little cheesy, you really, really believe him. You’re pretty sure the two of you aren’t talking about fruit anymore. 

“Good,” you say, giving him your cheekiest grin, “because I have a long list and it starts in the bedroom.” You drag him, laughing, behind you back to the room to get started on your unwritten list. 

In the morning, you wake up earlier than you normally would without the usual darkness of Namjoon’s bedroom to shield you from the sun. It’s nice though, the warm light easing you out of sleep, casting pretty shadows across the floor. 

“Morning, baby,” he mumbles into your hair. “Sleep okay?” 

You did. You slept better than okay after a long night of sex and laughing and talking and eating your beloved fruit on someone else’s sheets. “Mmhmm,” you murmur, crowding into his space even more, wrapping your arm over his torso. “You?”

“Always sleep well with you,” he says. 

It’s not always actually true, and you know it, but statements like that are more about how you feel about things than about how they really are. It’s nice he feels that way about it, about you—you’re on the same page, and that’s so much more than you’re used to having in relationships… or whatever this is. 

That’s the moment when it really strikes you that you don’t quite know. But you want to. There’s a small voice in the back of your head that tells you that it’s okay to hope, that you wouldn’t be waking up naked next to him in a beautiful house in the woods on your one hundred days if he didn’t at least sort of feel the same way you do. So, you decide to make good on your thoughts about devotion and your maybe presumptuous and probably embarrassing gift idea. 

“Hey,” you say, sitting up on an elbow. “Happy one hundred days.” He’s beautiful in the mornings, you think, with his sleepy smiles and his messy hair, and his endless planes of golden skin. Namjoon may not be a morning person, but the mornings certainly love him. You love him in the morning, and the other times of the day, as well. It’s overwhelming. 

“Happy one hundred days.” He leans over, kissing whatever skin on your arm he can reach without fully sitting up. It must be obvious (or he just knows you too well already) that you’re a little lost in thought, because then he taps a finger on your temple. “What’s on your mind?” he asks. 

“I got you something, but I’m not sure it was the right thing to get… It’s not a tree or a ring or anything.” 

He laughs, affectionate and warm. “I don’t need a tree or a ring. I’m sure whatever you got is perfect.” 

“It’s kind of weird,” you say. 

“Well, I can be kind of weird, and we met in what most people would think was a weird way, so I’m sure it’s perfect.” 

You roll your eyes with no malice, and as you get out of bed to go get your gift, he gives you a little slap on your backside. “Hurry up,” he teases. “It’s cold without you.” 

(It’s not—he’s the warmest person you’ve ever known.)

It doesn’t take long for you to get the envelope from your bag, and you clutch it tightly when you hustle back to bed and settle against the headboard. It had seemed like the right kind of idea, like it would make a statement at least. Jimin had smirked at you when you told him what you were planning, and all he said was, “That’s not a traditional gift,” which you definitely already knew. It really had seemed like a good idea then. 

But now that it’s time to explain yourself, you’re more than a little nervous about it. 

And you know you look and sound anxious when you hand it to Namjoon with only a quiet, “This is for you.” 

He sits up and grabs his glasses from the nightstand, then slides the envelope open carefully and pulls the paper out to read it. You watch his eyes scan the page while you pick at the duvet nervously, twisting it around in your fingers and trying not to just snatch it back and tell him to forget it. You’re almost sure you could distract him successfully. 

“Baby,” he says, finally looking over at you, eyes meeting yours about the rim of his glasses. “What is this?”

“Uh… well, it seemed like a good idea last week… It’s… you know… I’m… uh… clean,” you say, making a vague gesture around yourself, hoping he can figure out what you mean. 

“I see that,” he says. And you see the smile starting to form, his left dimple making its presence known. It’s only mildly reassuring, given the way you feel like you’re laying a lot on the table.

“And I thought you should know, because uh… I don’t want to do this with anyone else. I don’t know what this is, but I think I really want it to be something. And you’re the only person I want this kind of something with right now…” 

Namjoon just watches you fidget, he doesn’t say anything in return. The silence is near literally killing you; you think your heart may have stopped a while ago. 

“This is so embarrassing… Please say something,” you whisper.

He doesn’t say a word, but he drops the letter on the floor beside the bed, and pulls you unceremoniously into his lap, then kisses you hard and deep. There’s not even a second for you to process what’s happening, but when he licks into your mouth and squeezes your hips, your brain finally kicks in and you realize this isn’t the bad reaction you were dreading. He tugs on your bottom lip when he pulls away and it makes you whimper—you’re always at his mercy lately. 

“We,” he says, before kissing up your jaw, “are definitely something.” He nips along your pulse point and then lands a soft kiss over the spot. “And I’m sorry that you weren’t sure. Because I am very sure that this, with you, is the only something I want right now, too.” 

“That’s really good,” you say, still a little surprised both with your own boldness and his manhandling of you. 

Squeezing his arms around you, he pulls you higher up into his lap, kissing you deeply, making soft sounds from the back of his throat like he’s trying to talk to you through the kiss—it feels a little like the thing you’ve been afraid to say, a little like love. “I am, too, you know. It’s only been you since we started this,” he says quietly against your lips. 

You’re not exactly surprised by that admission, but it’s really nice to finally hear him say it. “Lie down,” you whisper, lifting your hips up to let him slide down and lay flat against the mattress, and moving a pillow so it sits under his head. 

Namjoon does what he’s told, of course, watching your every movement, looking at you like you’re the only other person on the planet as you settle yourself on top of him, slowly moving back and forth along his length. Your hands grip the headboard above him as you move, and his rest on your hips, keeping you tight against him. You’re wet for him already, sliding easily over his cock. And all you can see is him—looking blissed out and overwhelmed, the same way you feel inside. It’s a little like the first time again, with the anticipation and the newness and the very beginnings of infatuation, but with the addition of something more. 

Each time you sit fully back, you let out a soft whimper, settling into a rhythm that’s already making you want more, harder, faster… everything. 

“Baby, I—” 

“I know, me too,” you say, and you lift your hips to grip him and then carefully, slowly, lower yourself onto him. It’s unbelievable how good it is to really feel him completely, nothing between him and you.

“Oh, fuck…” He’s clearly a little overwhelmed by it, too, unable to choke out much more than the occasional curse and fragment of your name. 

You start to move again, grinding against him. And even though you’re technically touching him where it matters most, you still want more—to hold his face, to feel that he’s real—that this isn’t all some insane dream you’re bound to wake up from at any moment. So, you lean forward and lower yourself until you’re carefully holding his jaw. Your thumbs settle into where his dimples should be, and you slide your tongue along his, kissing him just the same way you’re riding him: deep, slow, and with every ounce of meaning you can muster. He lightly pulls your bottom lip between his teeth again when you break the kiss, and when you let go of his face, you move your hands to his and lace your fingers together on either side of his head. 

You don’t move from that position: foreheads pressed together, breath mingling in hushed whispers of pleasure, fingers interlocked… It’s everything. 

And this... You need a picture of this moment. His eyes closed, lips parted to let quiet moans out, his cheeks flushed... Nothing and nobody are perfect, but this has to be as close as you think you might get in this lifetime. 

“Feels so good like this…” he half-sighs and half-moans, eyes still closed in bliss, and you know you’re both getting closer to the point where you won’t be able to take it slowly any longer. 

You squeeze his hands in yours. And since you’re already being more honest than you think you’ve ever been with someone, you put your lips by his ear and add, “Never thought it could be this good…” 

Namjoon smiles in return—a little wicked, a little enamored—and he thrusts his hips up into you, eliciting a loud curse from you as you press down at the same time. 

“This is just the beginning,” he promises as he fucks into you, deeper and harder, just like you want—never letting go of your hands, never taking his eyes off of your face. 

It’s only seconds between when your thighs tighten around him and your lips crash back into his, whining into his mouth as you kiss him and come with a shudder. 

He lets go of your hands and wraps his arms around you, like he’s trying to get you even closer  to him as you ride him through his climax, his head buried in your hair, as close as you can possibly be. 

You stay there as your breathing steadies and your heart rates begin to drop back to normal, the steady thrum of his in perfect time with yours. Eventually, you turn your head and kiss his cheek, before rolling off of him and onto your back next to him. Your hand finds his again, and you stare at the ceiling, holding hands and breathing in relative silence until you finally speak. 

“I’m scared I’ll always want more with you,” you say, still painfully honest, like he’s both the object of all your affection and your living, breathing diary. 

“That’s okay,” he says, turning to look at you. “You can take what you need, baby.” 

He says it like it’s simple, like it’s obvious. He says it like there’s no other way to say it, no other option on the table. It’s a lot to offer—letting you have carte blanche is more than anyone’s ever given you, and it’s a lot of responsibility. 

You lie quietly next to him and think about how it might be okay, because you’ve let him have it with you, too, even if you haven’t said it. 

You think about how it didn’t even feel like a choice to lend out your heart as you fell hard and fast for the man next to you. 

You think about how hopeful you are that it will work out, that you won’t have to take it back because of how kind he is, how generous he is with you but careful at the same time… 

And you almost laugh out loud when you think about how very you it is of the two of you to have had a heartfelt conversation about what’s going on between you and to come away from it only knowing that there is something, still untitled, there. 

Before you fall back asleep in the too-warm room next to a too-warm Namjoon, the last thought you have is that you’re pretty sure you’ve never been more afraid or more in love, and you wonder if with him, those will always seem like two different names for the same thing. 

[raphieeee]

How I think rise and 2012 would get along:

- Rise!Raph would defiantly be so defensive of 2012!Mikey, always making people apologise for being mean to him and giving him an actual chance to speak

- BUT! He would also be willing to try explain to the others where their faults are with the help of Dr Feelings

- Rise!Leo would be OBSESSED annoying the hell out of 2012!Raph, teasing yet also he would help build up his confidence? I feel like he could recognise Raph’s insecurity

- I think rise!donnie would like 2012!Loe ya first because he’s more serious and quiet but then end up missing his twins noise too much

- alternatively, I think he would also be the second (mikey being first) to realise that 2012!Leo is just putting up a front and is just as silly and goofy as his brothers

- 2012!Donnie would feel so small compared to his counter part, and Rise!Donnie wouldn’t pick up that his excited rambling on his ache im eyes was making the other upset, until Rise!Leo explains it in a kind way to BOTH of them

- cue Rise!Donnie explains to 2012!Donnie that he’s so confident because he knows his brothers trust him and that, being totally serious, if he has the power to create a fully working robot from scrap, he can do literally anything. (After a while he also explains that he too feels small, but when compared to the mighty power of magic)

- Rise!Mikey is going insane, they’re all so emotionally constipated and he’s getting a migraine from switching between Dr Delicate Touch and Dr Feelings

- Rise!April is so worried for her country part “are you eating enough?” “Can you really fight with just a fan?” “You dad WHAT?!”

- 2012!April feels like she just gained a big sister, even if she rather politely tells her not to speak about her crush on Donnie

- 2012!Raph shyly coming up to Rise!Raph after him and 2012!Mikey show each other their teddy collection, finally having the courage to join his little brother

- if it’s medic!rise!leo then he 100% pesters 2012!donnie about being more careful about overworking himself and managing his stress after his own Donnie got sick from it and had to be in bed rest for almost a whole month

- I love the whole rise!Raph helping 2012!leo with leadership but the main thing I see happening is him explaining the difference between leading a team and guiding a family.

- I also see rise!Raph helping 2012!splinter understand that he’s allowed to grieve the life his lost, not just his love, but also everything that came with being human. I think he learnt that that was what caused his own fathers shortcomings at the start and wants to help the other before it’s too late by helping him know that he’s allowed to want things to be different and that it doesn’t make him a bad father.

- 2012!mikey getting embarrassed about how bad his cooking is, genuinely ashamed when he sees how his counter part is, but rise!mikey loved a challenge and is determined to help him learn!

- 12!leo: “hey where did you get *super rare science thing*?” Rise!Donnie: “Oh I took it from the Foot Clan.” 12!turtles: “YOU WHAT?!”

-

I’ll add more as I think of them!

[rithmeres]

yes, the plans that i could not share with you (because the haters would sabotage me) were that i was taking on LACC in my vash getup :)

i have so few pictures of myself but i got so many compliments (especially on my arm) and plenty of other people took pictures of me. and normally i don't like attention but i will be honest with u. under these circumstances i loved it. my arm held up really well through 8 hours on the convention floor and i have never been prouder of anything i've made. it's articulated incredibly well, no part of it gave out or required repair, it's never uncomfortable or a nuisance to wear, and i have enough range of motion to do relatively complex things like tying my shoes.

originally i was not planning to try to meet anyone famous because 1) it's expensive and 2) the lines are long and 3) i feel weird and annoying approaching literally anyone for any reason BUT. the spot where i met up with my sister just happened to be right next to johnny yong bosch's table. right when he started signing things. so i said LOL ok i'll do it.

it was super chill, i asked him how it felt to get the call that they wanted him to come back 20 years later for a trigun reboot and he said it almost didn't happen -- that since they recast everyone else for stampede they considered recasting vash as well (and i said WOW i'm so glad they didn't) and he said he really enjoyed getting to come back and explore a darker take (i forget if what he said was a darker take on vash's character, or just a darker trigun in general) but it was briefly surprising 2 me that he considered stampede to be a darker version but i get it, especially when u consider that there is not a lot of comedy in those 12 episodes to balance out the grief.

ANYWAY he was impressed with my arm and i asked him if he would sign my coat :) so he signed the lining but he was also like u know what, i'm gonna give you a second autograph just because. so he signed a print for me as well (free of charge!!) and the print with the blue signature matches my famous paintings that i always film in front of (that's providence baybee)

other stuff from the con under the cut

cosplay notes:

i saw 3 other vash cosplayers (a 98 vash, a stampede vash, and a purple coat vash) and no shade but i definitely had the best arm build. peace and love to all of them though

i saw 1 1/2 wolfwoods. 1 was the aforementioned mullet wolfwood from yesterday's post (ww if you’re out there ww) and the 1/2 was the 98 vash cosplayer’s gf in some kind of goth-ish dress and she was carrying a punisher

mullet wolfwood if you're out there i regret not getting a picture with you so much. i am deeply ashamed and i have no excuse because i ran into you twice and both times i was too embarrassed to ask for a picture. i just want you to know that your punisher was swag and your earrings were yolo and we would look very good together

i expected to see a lot more trigun tbh. los angeles where u at. 4 vashies at a convention of 120,000+ people is nothing. one guy even walked up to me like wow i love ur vash, i haven't seen a lot of trigun at this con and i was like I KNOW i thought i'd see a lot more

theeeee costume of all time award goes to the cad bane cosplayer i saw on the balcony. spare hand in marriage dude (gn) you looked so good

second place for costume of all time goes to the other mother cosplayer who had button eyes and these crazy finger appendages and never once broke character even while waiting in lines

i took 100 points of psychic damage from this one guy who (and im not kidding) was at least 6’4’’ and wearing platform boots and was dressed as the mfing onceler. with the stupid top hat he was fr 7+ feet tall (i saw him duck to get through a doorway).

someone was there as the brawny paper towel guy?? just walking around in a beard and flannel carrying a pack of paper towel rolls?? go off king

i saw 5 nightwing cosplayers but only 2 were biblically accurate (had ass)

the nanami sweep at this convention was so real u all SHOWED UP. and everybody ate. i saw at least 12 nanamis and not one of them was a flop.

i have never seen so many spider-mans in my life

other things:

fig. 1: this extremely hot captain america on a very large poster was about 2 make me act unwise. hi gorjus................................. nice eyebrows

fig 2: i saw this sign a couple blocks away from the con and i did a triple take. 🔥🔥🔥TRIMAX MENTIONED🔥🔥🔥

fig. 3: i saw all 4 hobbits in panel and can confirm elijah wood’s laugh is ten times more infectious in real life. before they were even done sitting down, dominic monaghan switched around all of their name cards so that none of them were seated behind the right name. as u might imagine much of the panel's content was reminiscing about LOTR, but i heard some stories that i hadn't heard before. they also talked about video games, other projects they are working/have worked on, how their kids feel about their dads' LOTR roles, how much they love ian mckellen, and how they would love to see something happen for the 20th anniversary of ROTK this year. sean astin (the legend) took shots at the stranger things writers (basically said joyce could never be happy with hopper) AND EVERYONE CLAPPED LOL. billy and dom talked about the best food in NZ, their show billy and dom eat the world, and the unfortunate events that led to the friendship onion's hiatus. it was a ton of fun to just watch them be themselves with each other, you can tell that these guys are all so fond of each other and love each other so much.

and finally, fig. 4: i bought these beautiful prints from @/batinyourbelfry and the skeletal washi tape from @/skeletalacademia (both on IG)

[foliejpg]

Ok I know people get kind of up in arms about clothes for FOB genderbends but thinking about how they would all dress is one of my favorite parts of it? Like I think pete and patrick especially would have very interesting relationships with femininity, especially coming up in a misogynistic scene like 90s/00s hardcore. Bc when I look at pictures from early FOB shows, the girls you see there are dressed pretty much the same as the guys, like girls were THERE but I very much get the feeling that the safest way to exist in that scene as a girl was to be as guy-ish as you could, but taking it TOO far would get you shit for [being gay or trans or generally gnc, I dont want to use period-accurate language right now], and it REALLY gets interesting if you're overweight, not white, not straight, not cis, anything that sets you as a woman apart from the dominant cultural image of "a woman" in the USA. Patrick personally is may favorite to think about because Ive been the fat girl in nerdy guy spaces and Im also a fat woman in a pretty dude-heavy professional field, so I can project my experience onto girltrick all damn day? (1/?, Continued in another ask bc Im going to hit char limit soon I think)

this got long as hell and i also never got a part 2 so i hope this is relevant<3

i definitely get that, for patrick especially to have to really conform to being “one of the guys” and acting like such so she doesn’t get called things like difficult or bitchy, and that definitely makes an impact on how she dresses. especially as a fat girl and i’m also a fat woman, so a lot of what i wanted to wear was either too tight and rolled up my stomach or my pants didn’t fit, OR was so lowcut because my cup size was too big and nothing fit correctly, so it was wear the big boxy tee shirt or have my tatas on display for people to look at. patrick, as a fat woman who is maybe not the most conventionally attractive, would really have to straddle a line of fitting in with all of these gross boys for the sake of the band and not being disregarded as a sexless fat chick. of course then it goes into slut shame-y territory if she ever god forbid wore something cute that made her feel good. maybe girltrick doesn’t wear a lot of dresses or skirts early on, but maybe during soul punk she explored a little more and maybe that carries over post hiatus. girltrick would rock a maxi skirt. comfy as fuck

i think about pete too as a woman in the scene at the time having to kind of play into what guys around her expect of her as a more sexual being bc like you said the misogyny was rampant and the easiest way, like you said is to go along with it. pete irl got boiled down to this sex symbol so early in fob’s career and had his body plastered all over magazines for people to drool over. to a point, we know that pete also played the “bad boy” schtick up because it was new and sexy and aimed at teen girls, so then girlpete did that too. irl pete dressed sexy and wore eyeliner so fall out boy would catch eyes, and it worked. so does girlpete, to the same extent. of course because she’s a woman she’ll always be sexualized worse than irl pete ever could experience.

look at pete now, he’s all comfort wear. those fucking meat shoes that haunt my dreams. girlpete is shy too. she’s also very business savvy and, like irl pete, knows she’s hot. she wears sweatpants and sneakers when she’s out and about, and baby tees and low rise jeans on stage, and maybe her bra is visible and rocks a whale tail sometimes as was popular early on. she was probably harassed endlessly but she’s not ashamed of herself or her body and dresses to fit her needs - like pete did irl.

and maybe this is controversial but i don’t think girlpete would have leaned into a more butch or androgynous style because realistically, pete didn’t. the eyeliner was an act of rebellion which is totally cool and 100% but let’s not pretend he was really challenging any gender norms here. girlpete as a business woman knows how to market herself to the people that will matter, the people who buy fall out boy’s music.

i think people forget that like, at the end of the day they are still pete wentz and patrick stump. the intentions, timeline, lore, personality - it’s for the most part all the same, but i think when people don’t acknowledge that their experiences in the scene would be drastically different from irl pete and patrick, it’s disregarding the misogyny in the scene entirely.

and also i want to put them in a skirt and it’s fanfiction so i can do what i want<3 if anyone has anything to add, pls send me a msg i love talking about my girls<3

[jemmo]

omg thank you so much for replying to my rant with another rant, i love your takes on this show so much istg my brain is just his man 2 these days 😭 i also wanted to rant about junsungho because i'm so obsessed with them, they've completely taken over my heart. like even without a date, they've progressed so beautifully and naturally, it's just impossible for me to not root for them. it's the way junsung takes every opportunity he can to show sungho all his love languages - gift giving in the form of zero coke and cookies, the adorable quality time they shared when they were roommates and throughout ep 7, physical touch in the form of head pats to wake sungho up, words of affirmation 24/7 and especially through his phonecalls, and the continuous acts of service 🥹 he's so sincere and straightforward, yet he never does anything to burden sungho with his feelings. he never expects anything in return and just follows his heart, so whenever sungho does do something for him it feels extra special and god why is he the cutest ever 😭 i'd like to think that junsung is definitely starting to affect sungho way more than he thought he would (like hello, the 100% friendship turning into him being 50/50) and it's so apparent why - he looks so comfortable around junsung, their banter is so natural and the way junsung's phonecalls make him smile like THAT every time is just so telling. i really hope they get a chance to go on a date real soon because i think just the two of them hanging out and focusing on each other is what sungho really needs (what we all need honestly) 🥺

we are well and truly stuck in his man 2 land until this ends arent we?? who am i kidding, im gonna be stuck here afterwards too i seriously cannot get this show out of my mind and at this point ive gone past coherent thought, all my rants are just me gushing.

and you are so so right about junsung and sungho, my roommates that arent even roommates anymore but will always be roommates in my heart. there is just something so special about watching the way junsung has approached sungho, it honestly feels like something ive never seen before neither in fiction or reality bc it is just so pure hearted and sincere and simple. like he likes this person and he's just showing it in whatever way he can and not ever demanding anything in return, its the kind of affection that is like i just wanna see you happy and i'd really like it if i could be the one to make you happy. and there's something so special about how he's had such rubbish experiences both with coming out and dating and we don't even know the half of it and yet he remains this good of a person, its like in the face of the shit life has thrown him, he's stood resolutely and said i won't let this change me, i will still be me. like he is truly someone that is not hiding, and the way he instantly claimed his sexuality when forced to come out tells me that he will not stand for people making him doubt or feel ashamed about who he is. and you can feel that steadfast resolution in how he pursues sungho, and this faith in his own feelings that singled him out on day one and not wavering since. and yet he never demands reciprocation. that's why its so nice to watch, bc you arent watching someone pursue someone unwantedly, or make them feel pressured to return that affection. he just constantly makes sure sungho knows and is reminded of his feelings and sungho can reciprocate if/when he wants to. and thats why i never feel uneasy watching them, bc i dont feel like sungho is uneasy or under any pressure to do anything or change his behaviour or tiptoe around junsung's feelings. its pure ease, and thats why its so beautiful to see sungho slowly develop those feelings for junsung. its giving fell first vs fell harder yknow, like look at this person doing so much not just with this arbitrary end to date me, but bc he actually likes and cares about me, the person, not the goal. and when i watched the first ep of the show, sungho was my instant favourite bc he is so cute and hot and charming and loveable and kind and funny, he has so many sides to him that you wouldnt expect, and i adore junsung for all the reasons ive just ranted about too, so it says a lot when i say these two people are so deserving of each other, like i would not settle for anything less than someone who appreciates these people for everything they are, and thats what these two are.

and when we get that 1 on 1 date, bc i know its happening, i feel it in my bones, you know im gonna be in tears in front of that screen, with the biggest dumbest smile on my face, and i wont be able to move on from it

[because-its-eurovision]

[kicks down your door] I HEARD YOUR ANXIETY WAS TALKIN SHIT AND IM HERE TO THROW HANDS WITH IT

okay first off, I know how you feel, and you know that I know cus you've seen me have anxiety episodes with these similar feelings of not being good enough or being unimportant or unwanted during out shared time in BC fandom. so I would like to start just by squeezing your hand and reminding you that you're not alone or the only one to occasionally feel this way, your feelings are valid and you're allowed to feel them, even tho they're not based on anything rational and you don't deserve to feel like that, because you are important and valued by the people around you.

you don't owe a participation fee to be part of a fandom. not in money, not by dedicating a certain number of hours, not by creating a specific amount of content, not by reaching some threshold of followers to be considered popular enough to participate. if you like the thing, you qualify. that's all there is. also, fandom is not a limited space with a numbered seats where one person's involvement is somehow taking room from anybody else. fandom is a universe that expands infinitely as more and more people join. it's impossible to take up space that you wouldn't deserve, because there is always more room for everybody to join.

furthermore, I may not be in the Käärijä fandom but I've been lucky to share fandom(s) with you in the past, and I've seen the way you contribute. you have always been one of the nicest, most welcoming, supportive people around, you're so willing to answer everyone's questions and welcome them into your space, and I don't think you even realize how important it is to have people like that in fandoms. the love and kindness and encouragement you show to others has not gone unnoticed, and that is also a way of contributing, and something I've seen you do so much for as long as I've known you. I mean, where in the hell else am I supposed to throw my dumb ESC questions at? people are scary, so I need someone nice and easy to approach. I need you. so your claim about how you don't do your part is, with all due love and respect, complete bullshit anyway <3 you do more than enough, you just don't see it yourself.

last but not least, Käärijä gigs may be queer safe spaces, but they're not queer exclusive. in fact, very few, if any, queer spaces in the world are ever exclusive - even pride parades, drag shows or gay bars aren't, straight cis people who have the basic decency and respect towards the culture are welcomed to those too. so for a music show by an artist that, afaik, isn't even openly queer himself? you're absolutely 100% allowed to go and enjoy your time. it is your space just as much as everyone else's.

you're a fucking gift and the Käärijä fandom is fucking blessed to have you. I'm aggressively kissing your forehead and I hope you can make it and have fun at the cruise. you deserve it. ����

Coming from you, this means so much 🥺 and you just reached out to be nice and give encouraging words?? 😭🖤 You're the person I looked up to the most when BCtumblr was in its most active phase, and still do, because you always have your way with words and take time to be wise and insightful and kind to everyone passing by despite battling your own anxiety demons, and I know you have it so much worse than I do which again makes me feel guilty for complaining and extremely grateful for you being so supportive.

I'm just so tired of feeling ashamed of myself and like I'm never good enough, and the constant voice in my head telling that I should be funnier and nicer and braver and prettier and more outgoing and spontaneous, and you telling me that I'm kind and friendly is so nice but strange because I do not see that side in myself at all, and I maybe feel like being welcoming or answering asks isn't tangible enough?? Like you know as opposed to producing content, because I can't draw or write fics or make tiktok edits or memes or be the first to post or comment something, and while I do know it's not demanded and nobody gives a rat's ass about what I do or don't do or post, I kind of feel responsible to pay back to the fandom(s) that have given me so much. I believe that the feeling of never doing or being enough or the pressure of being constantly present isn't a fandom-specific problem but a part of everyday life now, for me at least, but in fandom spaces, bubbles, it is somehow more concentrated.

I'm also feeling constantly guilty about being white and cis and straight and healthy because there are so many around me that are not and a having hard times because of that, and I try to do my best for making the world a better place and be a good ally and a decent person, but I'm just one guy and I'm exhausted, and even right now there are multiple anon asks in my box calling me out and saying I'm disgusting because I'm not saying what they want to hear and posting the kind of content they'd like to see from me, and. it's just too much. i'm so tired of being alive sometimes.

Thank you for being in my life, Abby. Ily 🖤

[utsuboh]

so i love nrc, and i love the school aspects of the game and story. but the disney ties always throw me way off. i wont cut them entirely out of my portrayal, for those who do like this. but as a general rule moving forward, i wont acknowledge it. and just emphasize on the fact nrc is a college intended to hone innate magical talent. i mean i know it's just canon but......... like i said. the disney stuff is eh.

one of the biggest aspects of jade that drew me to him-- was the concept of 'passing as human'. which...jade is very good at when he actively tries to be. but otherwise there are quirks, ticks, and habits that give him away. it's generally known on campus that the octa trio are merfolk sure... but i love the idea that it's easy to forget, because jade's just so good at faking it. then getting a startling reminder, be it through his strength, or teeth, or the way he moves and looks. or those moments when either he's dispelled the magic that makes him human- or it wears off.

ofc the way he processes and reacts to things is very inhuman too. again, he can pretend- but deep down he doesn't want to. he isn't ashamed of his selfishness, he doesn't feel guilt for his actions. something that to us, as humans, would be considered a form of psycopathy-- is probably normal for parts of the sea. there are times in game where azul is quick to point out how little empathy jade actually has. like when rook assumes jade would of helped him in the same situation. when in reality he'd of just watched and derived amusement from it. only giving a helping hand at the last possible moment hahaha...

then there's his UM- which has divergence of it's own here. it's an extremely invasive magic, and i'm considering giving it further tweaks. the point though is not the spell itself, but how he uses it. he could use it whenever he wants- but the fact it works better when his victim is under duress is... well it plays into his nature. it really hits home the fact jade isn't human, that he's willing to hurt people, and will likely enjoy doing so. and even worse is that most the people he uses it on wont really know what happened to them 100%.

ig the point of this post is to really give everyone a heads up. im gonna dip more into horror like i wanted to do from the start. the outdoorsy stuff is so cute, and i will NEVER remove it. it's the only time jade seems genuinely relatable and kind. but it's a drop in the bucket when it comes to everything else that IS jade.

[wooahaes]

hi! (first time sending an ask so pls lmk if anyone has this emoji but-) i completely agree w/ u that writers should put a warning or smth that the fanfic will be catered to a certain body type as ive read fanfic w/o that and have felt insecure. not saying these writers are intentionally trying to make ppl feel bad, but they need to realize that sometimes their works do cater to thin/skinny body types and letting readers know that rly isnt a big deal. ty for always speaking ur truth! - 🐱 anon

hi nonny! im gonna answer all ur asks in one go <3 (no need to apologize for spamming! i had a moment of 'oh fuck did i say something wrong' but thats just anxiety brain speaking haha)

honestly! i genuinely don't mind if writers wanna intentionally write works for a thinner reader, it'd just be nice for them to write in a little warning at the beginning of the fic <3 i write chubby readers and mark 'em with chubby!reader so my audience knows, nothing wrong w doing it the other way around!

i also wanna say, i remember looking up "seventeen x chubby reader", "svt x chubby reader", or smth along those lines on tumblr but just knowing almost nothing will pop up 💔. until i saw a little fanfic called "tiger stripes" and was baffled that someone actually wrote something that had someone like me in mind. i remember feeling and being so happy about it. just thank you for your svt x chubby reader works because u make us chubby carats feel so seen 🫶🏼 - 🐱 anon

aaaa ty lovely!! im a chubby gal myself so i love writing chubby!reader fics from time to time when inspiration strikes <3 usually i try to keep everything body neutral so that anyone can enjoy my fics (even in my chubby reader fics, i try not to specify how big reader is so that anyone bigger can enjoy them), but sometimes i just gotta aim something for the chubby gals out there <3 tiger stripes is one of my most beloved fics and it genuinely makes me happy to think of my own stretch marks as tiger stripes hehe <3

ah anyway !! hope im not a bother w/ my asks !! i just wanted to tell u this despite my shyness bc idk, i rly feel like u needed to hear it 🙏🏼 anyway, i also wanna add ur a rly good writer and keep on doing what ur doing 👍🏼 - 🐱 anon

u are 100000% fine!! i love talking to anons and ur always welcome to pop into my inbox whenever you feel like it <3 + it does always help to hear that other chubby carats enjoy my work!! mwah mwah ur so sweet

tw fatphobia mentions (nothing explicitly fatphobic tho) // omg though.. i remember finding this [redacted] x reader fic and bc it appeared under the [removed] tag (smth like that) and i assumed that it was catered to fat ppl. but unfortunately it turned out to be incredibly fatphobic w/ it's themes, plot, + y/n. im not saying u have to be fat to write "x fat reader" fanfic but perhaps step away from writing for ppl u have no understanding of if ur gna write stuff like that.. - 🐱 anon

redacting the guy + the tag from your ask purely to try and avoid anyone tracking down the writer by any means! i trust my followers to not do something like that, but i'd feel better reducing that risk in any way <3

oh yikes! i think like... its worth it to sometimes address fatphobia in writing, but that kind of stuff 100% needs a warning! one of my current fic ideas involves a reader who is confident in her body but kinda relapses back to a previous mindset of 'maybe i Should be ashamed of it' after being fully insulted for being a bigger gal and the fic would absolutely have a warning.

i do agree that you def do not have to be a bigger person to write chubby/fat reader fics, but its definitely something you need to be mindful of when you wanna handle the heavier topics. im always happy to weigh in with my own thoughts + experiences, and im sure other people would be, too! no shame in trying to address it in themes/plot, but there's def a difference between endorsing those ideas and discussing them (and i'll say i have no idea which was being done in this fic)

(btw: no one go looking for this writer to say anything to them btw, we do not promote harassment on this blog--anon ur 100% fine to express ur opinions since i've seen fatphobia in reader fics, too, and it's okay to express discomfort with the idea. i'm always open to discussing things as long as they don't point too directly to anyone's work--and i'm equally open to taking down anything that pinpoints a certain writer.)

anyway ur 100% fine to send as many asks as u want!! im always happy to talk to people esp abt topics like this (or in general too!) <3 ty for being polite tho mwah mwah ur v cute

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

(lmk if tumblr fucks up this ask somehow)

ive never told anyone else b/c I KNOW it sounds like a creepy pasta (I know this kind of just makes it worse) but I’m being 100% real here. okay a few years ago I was in a class about ghost stories, and our final project was just ‘pick any haunted place and talk about how it got its reputation.’ my boyfriend lived in this old civil war town with a lot of local ghost stories so i decided to do my final project on one of the local haunted spots. there was a graveyard nearby that apparently attracted a ton of ghost hunters once upon a time so it was all boarded up and im kind of ashamed of it now but i was REALLY interested in it and obviously a lot of the local lore involved the graveyard in some way so the more i thought about it the more it seemed like actually visiting it was necessary. plus a lot of my research seemed to point to the actual haunting stories being made up as a prank so i felt safe about it. we went by around sunset (like I said, we needed to stay hidden because everything around the place was off-limits, but I wanted pictures) and my phone screen stopped working, i was trying to get some pictures but my screen started glitching out. my bf took a video of me trying to use my phone even though the entire screen, not just like . when we left the pictures were all weirdly low quality (it was dark out but the sun had JUST set so it wasn’t like, complete darkness, right? but the artifacting on the video I took was so bad it looks like it’s in 240p) so i was like ‘we gotta go back’ because I thought it was awesome honestly. so we decided to hop the fence and go in. and. Okay. I filmed my bf walking into the actual graveyard and the thing is, he kind of just disappeared? in the video I took it’s like he just vanished into thin air, I had a flashlight at the gate and you can still see the area of grass all lit up in front of him but he just wasn’t there. even with it being as dark as it was, i could still make out the graves that he said he was next to, but I couldn’t see him at all. we could still hear each other clearly, and I asked him to come back, and it’s like he just…pops out of nowhere? i asked him if there was an incline or something in the ground but there wasn’t. and I decided to walk in myself with him filming me. so, okay, it was summer, it was hot and humid, but it got unbearable the further into the graveyard i went. i looked around to see if there was any water nearby because it actually felt like a swamp, but there wasn’t—I got to about as far in as my bf said he’d gone before i couldn’t take it anymore, and turned back. when I watched the video of me later, it was the same thing—like I just popped out of nowhere. it’s kind of underwhelming to describe it (I only got a B on my paper) but i 100% believe that I was in a warm spot and nothing can change my mind about it

i love you sfm anon. thank you. this is exactly wjat i needed. in these trying times i rly just need to be told some haunting tales. also i am honored u would tell me despite never telling anyone else b4. i BELIEVE U!! if u still have the video n would ever be willing to post it on youtube or something, id love to see.. the warm spot, i wonder what it cld mean. i read that entities use temperature changes to make themselves known without having to rely on equiptment. altho, crazy ur devices were acting up too. my few ghost experiences have all involved electronic interference in some way. did u ever feel like something followed u after u entered the warm spot? be careful anon <3 oooo now i feel so motivated to visit a graveyard, its been a minute.. thanku so much for sharing it made my day ^^

[queen-of-darkness001]

Trigger warning ⚠️

Hey fellows,

I'm fucked up seriously writing this and sobbing feeling clueless about everything

I'm taking therapy for approximately 2 years and half and was diagnosed w bpd

And i was happy knowing what im goin through, like finally i have justifications and interpretations of each behavior I've always had, i read a lot, and even write a lot about this mental illness to transmit awareness to others. But what about me? I literally get obsessed with my dreams and it's not recent it was like this since my childhood, like i do escape into them even if they were bad, i turned every kind of nightmare into a short story and started publishing part of them after my blog was launched.

I encountered many distresses in my childhood , wished them to be triumphed

But they didn't they just became accumulated and caused me to be involuntary melancholic... i went to therapy because i tried hard w myself but i couldn't always find solutions for my case individually, i had anger issues , panic disorder, anxiety disorder, depressive episodes and manic episodes which are inclined to make me extremely crazy, like a balloon you whiff inside and the air blown makes it bigger and bigger until it explodes, then i feel nothing and deteriorate mentally and physically just going through dissociation, get obsessed with my dreams instead of living in reality... so once i thought that these means are just temporary and i need an expert to fix that disfunctioning machine , i went to a psychiatrist to help me out of this zone, i was literally loving people in an aggressive way instead of expressing love appropriately i just fuck it up ... I'm a writer and i wrote most of times for myself , also an artist and i did express myself a lot but for people it was rare because i was ashamed of the pain I'm carrying,  used to hide it thinking i might be a burden or pain might be underestimated by others. After a while i decided to choose being seen like enough is enough this creativity is fuckin getting outI started to write because i like it... and paint to express myself to people and to myself either. That helped me quite good through my sessions as well

And made me more honest and less ashamed of myself likewise,  my pain can be seen.

But here we go again after a time of self love and awareness here we go extreme either up or down and suffer into both processes... seeking help without uttering a word ... at the same time they get out of my mouth because i can't hold them anymore, instead of a person who's passionate i turn into a beast looping in a labyrinth its ending is foggy and can't be accessed. I have a husband, that already makes me happy and I'm very grateful, speaking of this I'm a very giving person and because of therapy and my efforts i just became more giving and caring

But most of times im being taken by others as a lazy person they can't get it that im fuckin tired and i cant manage it... i take meds and attend sessions and doing my best but my 100% is often seen as 1% by ambience people.

My mom and my husband are very helpful God bless them but whenever i look at them having other priorities to do aside of helping me at home or whatever i feel extremely guilty and i hate myself the double .

I wish i could do more but this is my capacity. I act within it.

I try to be productive, helpful and a giver but i fail sometimes too. Most likely not comparable with anyone else because a mental disorder isn't as simple as they think

I pass through 3 different phases daily

And i feel everything or feel nothing amongst them

I feel lost despite i know what i want

I feel sometimes that i wanna separate from all people and isolate myself

Im paranoid most of times that they might die or abandon me despite they're loyal and trustworthy

It's just me

I'm always triggered I'm always concerning about details my brain feels like a battlefield without a single exaggeration. I prone to explain a lot sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes me creepy and intimidating for others. Yes honesty sometimes is a curse

I'm honest about fragility but im a beast if someone tried to turn it against me not to work on it. Eventually im trying my best idk who's reading, who's interested but i just spelled all my thoughts here rn which are just a sample of what i actually encounter everyday. I wish i could rest.

I wish i could wash away my pain .

But all ik , all the positivity i get from here -is that i decreased the anger issues, am -being aware about myself and telling people about it even if my hands were shaking meanwhile narrating details that might be seen as shame

- defending myself despite i hate myself sometimes

- i stopped cutting and preferred smoking over it as a less dangerous self harm

- im good to my husband and family and even strangers who need my help

- im focused on writing and painting

- i give myself time to rest even though ig might extend but i always try to reach to a settlement with my husband to make him less burdened

- i find solutions meanwhile problems instead of just arguing and reaching no point

- i became so domestic and that causes me less anxiety because i hate going out usually. Doesn't change the fact that i love going out too with a safe company like my husband

- i was yearning if i would be a bad mother one day but with this amount of love and care i can give limitless support and provide my kid with joy at any cost

- whenever i do sth wrong recklessly i try to set boundaries and correct myself i even sometimes control myself not to do these stuff before they happen.

Had to vent because im off today and been worse since i had spasms and lost my ability to move my extremities for a while... now im good but feels like my first time in a gym and my muscles hurt af

...and in closure, i usually need confirmation from people about myself and a lot of praises

But im working on this now and trying to be neutral as never been before .

[goremet-chef]

i think like. posting art on twitter has given me a specific complex or like. thought process that doesnt apply here and im trying to get used to it (ramble/vent-ish)

i only ever seem to find the motivation to draw like. at night. MOST OF THE TIME im drawing at night, ill finish shit at 1, 2, 3 am but i have to gamble with something

i prefer to post when im done, it feels good to create something and then send it off for anyone to see, but if you dont post it at like. day time, or a time where more people are awake, no ones gonna see it!!! not even yr most active supportive moots and friends like they just will not see it and it wont get much interaction. i feel like prime interaction hours are when its posted and then after that it trails off and everyones done. and it feels kind of sad when you worked really hard on a piece and it looks like no one liked it

but here, its not like that. shit gets likes for like. ever SKJFS

there is no time frame for when people will appreciate yr work, theres not really a feeling of risk when i post at night because eventually someone will see it yknow? someone whos looking for it will see it and i like that a lot

i really sympathize with other artists who feel like that because like. art is my passion, i know this is the truth but i feel soo fucking superficial and gross thinking about like. the numbers of it all

but its not really wrong to want people to like what you make. i think everyone needs to feel appreciated, and some people only know how to get it from strangers online. i see a lot of people say like "ohh if yr an artist and you hate drawing or you only think about how many likes or you think you need to create content for others to like maybe reevaluate why yr an artist 🤨" but like. SOME PEOPLE CANT REALLY CHOOSE SKJFS i couldnt just stop drawing even though sometimes it makes me miserable, because drawing is my only talent, yknow? its wired into my DNA at this point. its a lot deeper than just "oh if its making you feel bad then stop" 💀💀 if i stopped id feel even worse bestie

idk i think its something that most people think about honestly? its like a majority case but its been pushed into being something that makes you a bad person, despite the fact that everyone loves validation on the internet. if you actively seek it, yr shallow and just want attention and that makes you one of the 'bad artists' because you want recognition for yr work

idk its just kinda messed up. like everyone wants those things, if im creating i shouldnt feel guilty for liking when the numbers go up, yknow? but its something i see so much? its so weird bro. its one of those things i believe LOTS of people experience/feel, but are too ashamed to ever let anyone know they feel it, even if its not really harmful

like i agree with the sentiment that "you should draw for you" 100% but some people arent really. SECURE about their art, style or composition or WHATEVER. i dont need me to tell me i did a good job, id prefer someone else do it ksjfsf that can be said for a lot of other people too. like not everyone needs that, but some people do need that and its not some heinous art crime for wanting even a little recognition? IDK MAN its weird

[rrxnjun]

ahhh no bc I find human interaction hard too </3 + I tend to overthink my responses so fghsfkgs yeah pls don’t apologize for replying late !!

I got into kpop back in 2018 (?) and its been my comfort zone since then. I started off as an army (yes, an army 💀. lets not talk ab 13 y/o me and her questionable decision making skills here  but, like, their music was actually good back then hhhh the emo in me appreciated them a lot lol) then slowly moved onto nct. oml I still remember not liking chewing gum and complaining ab the entire concept to a friend 😭😭 but !! the song grew on me and then came the point when I began looking into the dreamies seriously and ajgdf here I am :’) ngl I still need time to understand nct songs as a whole (yes, I'm looking at you sticker)

OKAYY so I remember reading somewhere that your bias’ personality tend to match yours?? and I think that holds for you kjfhgskdjg my mbti’s intj and so is yangyang’s so I think that’s one thing we share uhh that and maybe being extremely weird. I'm not ‘eaten cat food’ level weird but I am definitely weird to sm extent. OH GODS THAT PART WHERE THEY SING I’M GONNA LOVE YOU BY D.O kyungsoo from exo is my ult of ults so hearing them sing along to his song while driving >>> i was feeling sm things fr. renjun and yangyang are just🥺🤧😭😭

ohhh doyoung’s one of my 127 biases too lord the vocals >>> have you listened to maniac by hyuck and doyoung?? It’s really good. anyways nct vocal line supremacy and nct supremacy in general damnn they make it so hard to choose biases.

I still love dive into you sm that song always gets the waterworks working for sm reason think it’ll be in my spotify wrapped again (oml its been a year since hot sauce ?? time’s an illusion ByE) and oof turn back time era was so gooood after midnight, nectar hmm it was just hoe anthem after hoe anthem but I'm not complaining at all !! you have any fave songs from these eras?

so I stan nct, red velvet and exo (I ult them tho they’re like super ia) I'm a casual stan for shinee, enhypen and svt. I was a serious stay but just slowly lost track of the things there. I regularly listen to txt and aespa (had a v serious bluehour phase and black mamba phase back in 2021 lol) but I haven’t gone beyond that. Anddd I do randomly listen to other groups but I don’t really know the members.

Dfkjhd LMAOO ALRIGHT so I'm a stem student who is seriously considering engineering so idt I'm getting rid of math anytime soon :’) and as desperate times call for desperate measures and all that I'm willing to try anything that’ll help me keep going *war flashback to the time listening to firetruck on loop for like 3 hrs helped me finish a 100 q calc assignment a day before the submission date* ohh I had a serious emo phase of sorts back in 2017-18 like right before kpop overtook my playlists kfjf I listened to more of twenty one pilots, imagine dragons, 5sos, halsey uhh couple of more I don’t remember them rn

p.s. 👀 the yangyang tiktok. also, ily have a good day/night and remember to stay hydrated <3

I feel like everyone starts as an army HHH i did too! altho the first kpop song i really vibed to was hip by mamamoo, bts was the first group i stanned. I actually got into kpop as a joke at first but then i kind of uhh realised i liked it so i just made it my whole personality 💀💀 im not ashamed of my army past tho,, i started writing again because of them! and the times when i was an army brought me a lot of joy. while i dont enjoy their new music and dont keep up with them at all, i recnogise the positive impact they had on me

chewing gum >>>>> instant serotonin fr. also pause. YOU DONT LIKE STICKER ??? good for you honestly. i didnt like it at first but now that i got into kpop again i just. i dont know what it is. i feel like i was drugged bc im obsessed w it ?? i even let out a happy giggle yesterday when i heard the opening flute i feel like im going insane.

i think the bias thing applies to me a lot with other groups as well!! also yesterday i watched the dreamies debate and renjun had the same opinions as me (mostly) and in the last one he even made the same points i would I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING CRAZY SHSJ WHAT IS THIS. im an infp/infj! not sure who shares that mbti haha. also i ate dog food before and more than once just to see how it tastes so idk what that says abt me

KYUNGSOO IS YOUR BIAS ?? im not an exo-l but the songs i know from them, i really really enjoy. idk if i said this before but im the biggest fan of baekhyun's solo music i even own the bambi album 😩😩his albums are a fundemental part of me and from what i've seen in superm, i am absolutely crazy for this man. maybe you can recommend me some exo music to listen to bc i would love to get into them more 👀

MANIAC IS SO GOOOOOD my e2l hyuck fic is inspired and named after it 😭 i fucking love that song. THEIR VOCALS!!!!!

nct vocal line supremecy but also nct dance line!! nobody does it like them. their dance line is so strong fr nobody competes!!! but yes their vocals are truly unmatched. nct outsang. stay mad about it.

A YEAR SINCE HOT SAUCE DONT REMIND ME 😭😭😭 dive into you is one of my favs but rainbow is what truly gets my tears rolling. my comfort song fr. and nectar and after midnight >>>>> but i must confess that my fav is actually electric hearts it makes me feel unbelievable abount of serotonin. the fact that yy and hendery wrote the lyrics makes the whole song even better 😩 lowkey wanna write a soulmate au inspired by it 👀

so youre an sm stan!! i literally started stanning aespa like 3 days ago. had another bisexual awakening i feel like. i always wanted to get into red velvet but it never really worked out smh. i used to be a serious stay as well!! but if im being 100% honest, i had a big falling out w this group after in life era. it hurt me a lot to say goodbye to them but i barely even stan anymore, if im being honest. they were a big part of my life, but the music just isnt for me anymore :((

YOURE A STEM STUDENT ? how. i used to be a business student lmaoo so i didnt really have to study any science/math subjects lmao. absolutely hated business school, tho. thank god i graduated this year <3 im going to study psychology at uni in september, so neurobiology is the closest i'll get to being a stem student hahaha. good luck w your studies!! it must be hella hard i cant imagine

I HAD AN EMO PHASE IN 2015-2018 AS WELL AAAAA i fucking loooved twenty one pilots but they are just not it anymore 😭 the same w all time low why do punk groups always have to have a pedophilia/sa scandals. i also loved 5sos, parx and paramore hh but i still do to this day!

and to end this off here you have the yy tiktok as a sneak peek before i post tomorrow <3

[enchantechante]

How do I cope with my boyfriend walking out of my life and treating me like I'm nothing?It's just so weird.We've been together a while and he stopped hitting me up so I asked him about it after he went missing for two weeks.All I got was excuses.Now he's acting like I don't exist.I don't understand at all.From planning our lives together, picking out wedding rings and being with his family every week and his family being so accepting of me because apparently I'm the only woman who's had her life together that he's been with.I feel like shit because it blindsided me completely.We were just at the park and he told me how much he loves me,we talked about what we need to correct in our relationship and all was well.Went back to the family ranch for dinner and we also had sex.The weirdness came days after.Smh I am honestly disgusted, embarrassed and ashamed.I was single for so long and he was going above and beyond everyday for a long ass time to make me change my mind about relationships.I told him I felt like he used me and he apologized.Wtf? Everything about what he did is 100% manipulative and now he just acts like my family and I don't exist.He was the first man I ever let come to my home and the first I've ever introduced to my family.Now he just sit on Facebook posting stupid shit about vaginas and other dumb shit.Smh I let myself down with this one.It's going to take a miracle for me to ever get with another man.I let my guard down and told him all of deepest secrets,even had sex with him.I was on the way to get married so I didn't see the big deal.Smh.I need to let God work on my heart because at the moment,I hate him.Love his family but hate him with a passion.

Bring it innnnn 😭😭😭😭😭

When you say youve been together for a while how long is that?

Please forgive yourself. Being disgusted and ashamed and embarrassed do not come from the Holy Spirit.

Do not judge yourself for these - but realize all emotions have information.

Theyre telling you that you need to find your way back to peace and happiness internally but "this" is in the way.

What I notice about those words is that they are judgmental and create an internal sense of isolation. Shame like some part of you is exposed that should be hidden. Embarrassment as if others may look at you with pity.

And youre worth so much more than this. If anything - these are emotions that man should be feeling.

One of the first things I believe that you need to accept as you cope is that you played a role in hurting someone you love - yourself. And although the situation is done and behind you, it lays out a new path in front of you.

One that affirms no matter what or who will ever happen to your body you are invaluable. You are indescribably irreplaceable. And just by you missing this obvious truth within these feelings listed, I encourage you to viciously attack any thought that comes to bring down your self worth.

Fully persuade yourself that you are an excellent and divine technology. And if anyone else cannot see this, regardless of time and closeness spent, it does not make you blind.

If you were struggling in your relationship w God, nows the time to lean in. Admit all of your thoughts/actions. Tell God what the appeal was. Seal the work by valuing every lesson this taught you and turning ur back on that man.

Im def standing with you. Gods restored a lot of my toxic and cyclical ways. And helped me to understand that all of my actions are tied to my belief.

Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for looking into ugly emotions and realizing that it doesnt make you ugly. Thank you for valuing yourself enough to speak up and advocate for yourself. Thank you for knowing that youre in a hard place and reaching out for help.

And I have to say that Im not a professional and licensed therapist. But these people are divinely gifted.

And if you feel the weight of this challenge becomes too much and you need that one on one with someone continue and get that kind of help.

One of the only reasons I can speak to yall like this today is because Ive engaged in that process. And it gave me everyday tools to help my beliefs more fully match my actions.

Praying for you 🙏🏾✨

[youmustthinkyouknowme]

getting at that phase

HELLOOOOO THEREEE!!! been a while since the last time i post yah. so many things happened, the good and the bad. It will always be like that, you know you get a full circle of happiness the next time you know you are on a tornado loop. 

Good things happened: i passed the national exam board!!!!!! ((it’s a good thing but not the same kind as being accepted at uni)) i felt less proud on this one....idk maybe its just i feel obligated to pass the test and it’s not something to be proud of when most of everyone did pass too, or it is mainly because im getting older and i turn bitter or maybe the feeling being a failed friend bcs i cant help one of my bestie to pass too. it sure was a mixed feelings all at once. 

Bad things: as you all probably SHOULD know, the first one was me thinking that it was possible to join the internship at August, so i missed my mom’s offer to go to Korea (to visit my aunt), and i ended up being mad at myself. the second one is, i am jobless af, many residents that worked with me before ukmppd, rarely contact me again. i feel desperate, no money, feeling guilty if asking for one. why didnt i do something right? go look for a job!!!! (i know you probably will think that im such a loser or a lazy ass girl) but guess what i am not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. (ngasih validasi bgt gasi ini ke diri sendiri), at least that’s what i believe. I did my cv, i did apply as a research assisstant, to many many lowongan out there!!! at least today i applied to 9 vacancies, i dont blame God for not helping me either, he sure did help me through many occasions, but this one im just helpless, i mean, look at my lacking experience as a researcher???? and also i didnt publish my skripsi to any journal. so who the hell is gonna accept me...dari 9 itu cuma interview 1, belum tau lagi hasilnya:( if you pity me pls consider giving me your prayers. i kinda need that. Bad thing no.3 is i dont have friends to go jalan-jalan with tho, they are all now working and i feel ashamed too for going to some places with my parent’s money, i think it’s enough for them to pay for my bills. 

i do need support these days, but it doesnt seem like i can tell what i’ve been feeling to my friends bcs 100% chances are they will feel the same way too, why do i have to double the burden, and also i dont want to tell my family either bcs i might cry even before i start to tell them, so yeah i better not to. part of me wishing my family will see this post but then again im helpless. so here’s to becoming a jobless adult with nothing to be proud of, and seems like nobody cares either ^^

p.s in 10 yrs i hope i can laugh this post out loud.

[meowlimia]

TW ED vent

This isn’t an ed post necessarily. the first part of this post is a regular vent and the 2nd part is ed related business. trigger warning, i mention sxicide, food, ed related things, depression, etc. i dont plan on ever tagging my posts so this is probably the last big trigger warning i’ll put on my posts.

**

This is kind of a jumbled mess, i just typed exactly what i felt and what came to mind. i dont do in depth ed logs so if youre here for that this isnt it, i just cant be asked.

So like to get right into it. Me and my bestfriend have been having PROBLEMS. like bad ones. at least i think their bad, she thinks everything is dandy. She likes to do this funny girly thing where she finds a new person to date every few months and they become the absolute center of her world. despite, of course, us being bestfriends for 5 years. I’m not a jealous or possessive friend, I think that stuff is gross and makes me uncomfortable. but its annoying, some days she doesnt message at all, or leaves me on seen for almost an entire day. and when she DOES respond, its to tell me about all the fun theyve been having and how much shes missing him. which is great, im glad shes happy, he seems like the first genuinely good person shes dated. i just wish i didnt have to hear about it constantly, i wish my value as a friend didnt go to 0 everytime she finds a new person to obsess over. and of course, i always have to pick up the pieces and join in her snarking of her exes because they were definitely 100% of the problem (in all fairness, they were all really shitty). 

The thing i find an issue with is like. she will NEVER stop talking about him. ben this ben that my god i dont even know ben why do i need to hear about him. i would understand if she need to vent or just wanted to talk about him a little, thats completely fine. but what im not okay with is day in day out talking ONLY about ben. 

The only non-ben related thing we talk about is how awful shes feeling. sending me random pictures of her crying, talking about how she wants to kill herself, or her self harm, her bloody scratches. the worst part is she thinks its funny, and acts like shes not doing it to purposefully worry me. what do you want me to say? this is the 10th crying picture youve sent this week, this is the 10th time youve mentioned your self harm. i dont know what you expect me to do, i cant live in a perpetual state of worry and stress over how youre doing anymore. its exhausting. especially when she KNOWS how bad my ed is getting for me, how at this point im barely living for any reason other than purging and binging.

Yet of course, when i vent, i get the usual. “sorry bbg, not feeling up to reading/listening right now. love you” thanks! i genuinely do understand. thats why i tell her everytime what the voice message is, or what the hidden message is. i know shes struggling, but i am an awful person too. i do feel the need to vent to my closest friend, i do feel the need to vocalize what im going through.  Either way, she gets upset when i delete it, because i felt guilty, ashamed, and embarrassed that i sent it in the first place.

I feel awful and guilty for it, but sometimes i feel like i truly hate her. I absolutely shouldnt feel this way, she is suffering greatly with her illnesses. I havent lived in her shoes, i dont know just how bad it is for her, i have no place to be upset at her for how shes feeling. But i still do. sometimes i just dont understand why shes being like this. She is on medication, she has a job she enjoys and doesnt pay rent/bills/anything, she has 4 people at anytime interested in her romantically, she makes friends within minutes of meeting people, she has a nice room with fun things shes bought or other people have gifted to her, she has a caring supportive boyfriend, she has great hair, she is genuinely beautiful inside and out and has a great personality. i just dont understand. its disgusting to say it and i know that, but i cant help it.

anyway thats my vent about my friend over. ed catch up time xx

things have been going well, in terms of losing weight/restricting/purging. 

I’ve started to purge maybe 3-5 times a day? sometimes more in small amounts. something ive noticed is that i dont really binge often? usually i eat normal meals. like one packet of samyang ramen, fried eggs, and chamomile tea. its a small meal not calorie wise, one regular samyang pack is 530 calories, plus maybe 200 cals from the eggs, and maybe 100 for the oil i cook them in. the chamomile tea is 2 calories, plus maybe 20 with the tiny bit of honey i put in. its not a low calorie meal but its pretty small in portion size. either way, i’ll still purge something like that. i dont go on the kind of crazy binges ive heard a lot of people with eds do, like 3k or 6k meals. thats not from a sense of superiority, i just genuinely dont have access to enough food to do crazy binges like that

i think this is why i dont purge as much as i could be. sometimes a meal is so small i just cant be bothered to even try. like after some meals im just glued to my bed and wont get up for hours.

i was gonna add more to this, but truly i already feel sick thinking about it. i didnt think just writing about it would make my cravings kick in so bad.

either way, im going to keep going, till im pleased with my weight i guess. my psychologist recommended me to an eating disorder therapist. i hate the idea of recovery, but just having someone to talk to will be nice i guess. maybe it’ll hep me redirect the anger i feel towards my bestfriend for making me feel unheard. i hope it does. i truly love and care about her and i want to stop having these negative hateful thoughts.