#logically speaking it's kind of hard for me to be mad at myself for that]

[quitedisastrous]

crazy about how fucked up shit can feel at 5am and then you have a single minute human interaction the next day and go "huh. maybe shit won't be that fucked up after all"

[planetsstarsandmoons]

If you don’t mind me asking, what aspects or house overlays would cause a big ass miscommunication? Like I knew a guy who at some point just stopped talking to me. We worked together so it was awkward. We went from basically talking to each a lot every shift we had together to nothing. Bare minimum chatter. Turns out we just thought each other was mad at each other or something like “oh I guess they aren’t talking to me anymore guess I’ll just deal with these intense emotions by myself while talking to someone else to fill the time…tho it doesn’t feel the same.” At least on my end. Sorry for the long ass example bruh 🫠

This kind of sounds like a situation where people have trouble harmonically expressing their moon and their mercury, but we’ll see…

Aspects and house overlays that cause miscommunication, from the top of my head:

Mercury conjunct south node synastry:

Every conjunction with a node is felt on a spiritual level. This one came to mind because of a relationship I once had. These people feel ~happy~ talking to each other. The mercury person, on a soul level, desires to sort of do a service of intellectual rapporting to the south node person, being their team mate in life. The south node person feels like no one understands them as well as the mercury person does. How it can also play out, though, is the south node person (always a risk with the south node) not binding themselves enough to the planet person, due to their personal growth from the south node towards the north node purpose. When this happens, mercury in this case will feel drained since their efforts are trying to fuel something the node person is already living beyond so to speak. They feel like the north node is unreceptive and condescending to their ideaa, so the node person drifting away from their south node becomes in regards to communication ‘unavaillable’ to mercury. This makes the mercury person feel rejected, often rejected ‘in advance’ which in concern to stuff that makes the node person actually need-need the mercury’s input, like for example the relationship, will make the mercury person go ‘you know what, I’ll just let her figure out herself’ because the node is too much on her own path. In my case, it created a sense of “oh, this is such a one sided affair from my side. I’m trying to nurture this soullevel important part of her by doing this, and she’s just going her own way and not binding to it, and therefore me” because To the mercury person it looks like she’s just mentally not there and drifting away from the intellectual/communicative connection.

So that became a paragraph lol. But I felt like I should share it

Moon in hard aspect to mercury:

Partains more to feelings of the one not being understood by the logic the other and vice versa.

saturn in composite:

Saturn is known in some astrological circles as the thing that creates ‘lack’, but it’s not because saturn is some minus force. How I see saturn is basically this: saturn is the very strong and mighty and imposing planet that is also very cautionary and stoic and restricted. Where it falls, it forms a ‘challenge’ and the challenge is always this: make sure that where saturn falls, you make a reliable enough base with just enough trust and understanding, that even a planet like saturn Could let go of the reins and unleash their heaviness on that part. Once saturn is set, like a big fk stone, you can’t move it anymore. It’s binding. I think that’s why people are so careful with it, because saturn can also bind us to everything that’s uncomfortable or bad. People don’t like to do that usually. Saturn in 7th: people can’t really do an unrestricted and uninhibited partnership without first really really establishing that the base is sturdy (not superficial) and something good. Saturn in the 8th house: people cannot do uninhibited and unrestricted sex/soul baring without first really really establishing that the base is sturdy (not superficial) and something good. Coming close to doing those house issues without working through saturn (and kind of embracing it as one of your together-planets) the partners are afraid of doing something bad, or too much of what the other partner will think of them. They’ll always feel inhibited sort of. Restricted, like they have to have their reins there because otherwise, saturn tells them, they are being very irresponsible and uncareful ! Almost sounds a little self-sabotaging, right? Now imagine saturn in the composite chart in hard aspect to mercury, or in the house where mercury is, or in the third house.

Mercury and uranus, composite and synastry:

What the other person interprets the ‘zeitgeist’ of life to be, but also their sense of creativity in their way of life, doesn’t mesh well with the logic of the other person.

Saturn in synastry:

When concerning moon and mercury, it can make the personal planet person think saturn doesn’t want to hear their thoughts and will judge them. The saturn person though is the person who wants to talk/communicate, but feel restricted and inhibited by her own force. They’re both too careful. Mercury in hard aspect to saturn causes more frustration than awkwardness like with saturn in aspect to moon, though.

Natal charts:

I think both of you may have some lunar/saturnian aspects in the chart… a combination of easily triggered and immediately shutting down. Chiron may also have something to do with it !

[ilikeyoshi]

genuinely the most useful thing i've ever learned in therapy is that your mind and your body speak two different languages, as in, they perceive and experience information in totally different ways, and you, the person, will benefit so much from learning both of these languages and how to address the needs of both your body and your mind.

good example: after eight years of therapy i RARELY have significant "mental" anxiety, as in, i do not often get stuck in worrying, self-depreciation, etc. but what i'm learning now is that i've only really recovered IN my mind. my body still experiences severe anxiety symptoms: shaking, sweating, tunnel vision, bad coordination, racing heart, insomnia, etc. have you ever experienced that, where you physically FEEL anxious but mentally feel fine? i have quite literally 99% fixed my mental anxiety without doing much (if any) work on my physical anxiety.

in the case of anxiety, here's examples of what i consider mental vs physical anxiety:

mental: racing thoughts, worrying uncontrollably, unable to communicate for fear of saying something wrong, self-loathing, assuming or worrying friends hate you, inability to focus on anything else

physical: shaking/trembling, hurting chest, sweating, restlessness, intense physical urges (to cry, to isolate, etc)

and here's what i've learned and been learning about how to address both in ways the mind and body respectively understand:

to your mind: filter everything into two categories, things you know and things you assume. things you know are things you have real, tangible, revisitable evidence for, such as "i know my friend is upset because they made a post saying they were having a bad day". things you assume do not have any tangible, you-can-literally-point-to-it evidence, such as "my friend responded to my message in a way i didn't expect, therefore they must be mad at me". then, you use your evidence and assumptions to assuage your mind. you know your friend had a bad day, so you know something is bothering them. you DON'T know that something is you, so you can give yourself grace and try to think of other reasons they might've had a bad day; maybe their pet tore something up, maybe work was hard, maybe they're getting sick. the key here is to alleviate feeling responsible when you have no proof or evidence you are. you are not trying to debunk the fact you're safe, you're trying to debunk the fear you AREN'T safe.

to your body: focus on the parts that hurt or feel bad, and physically respond to them. your throat hurts; can you let yourself cry? if not, can you rub or cover it to make it feel protected? can you get something soft to eat, or a cough drop, to help it relax? or your stomach hurts; can you rub that, wrap your arms over it, apply a hot or cold pack? or you feel restless all over; can you go for a walk, or march in place, or do a bunch of stretches? your body does not understand words or logic like your brain does, and instead understands physicality and actions. if you're angry, can you go blow up monsters in a video game, or use a punching bag, or throw soft toys at the wall? if you're scared, can you walk around to imitate fleeing a beast, or put on a coat or blanket to imitate hiding inside something?

generally speaking, i find that addressing my brain like it's a young child, and my body like it's an animal, are the best ways to alleviate anxiety and other issues. i don't think of it as degrading myself, but rather as a shorthand to help me arrive at the KIND of help my mind or body needs. children, like minds, need things broken down and explained to them. animals, like bodies, need actionable tasks or behaviors to feel safe. and sometimes it's easier to compare our minds and bodies to something outside of ourselves we typically feel sympathy towards; it helps us realize we, too, need to be treated with sympathy.

anyway, that's my weekly adderall-induced post about mental (and in this case, physical) health. i endorse talking to your mental anxiety like it's five years old, and petting your physical anxiety like it's a nervous dog. it really does help.

[sorin-sunchild]

I was reading Lovecraft's 'The Beast in the Cave' and it struck me as having several elements familiar to me through TMA's lens. Elements of several Fears are present which is not unusual as they are made to embodied common fears. But it's interesting to me lol

I thought wow if this were just rephrased through the lens of a statement in earlier season vibes it would really highlight this element...and then I realised that writing such a thing would be a great exercise for me to get through some writing block. Plus others could chime in and see if they saw what I saw (not everyone can follow the way Lovecraft and those of that era speak after all, and there's no shame in that). Anyway cue my best attempts to get down the kind of atmosphere I think he was going for and which would have succeeded more for the people of the day than it did for me now.

Of course if you've already read and perfectly understood 'The Beast in the Cave' then feel free to chime in and not read what I put.

Statement of Mr Lovecraft, regarding a strange encounter in Mammoth Cave, Kentucky. Original statement given April 21st, 1905. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

Statement begins.

I will keep this brief and to the point as I have no real interest in revisiting those dark limestone caves or the creature which dwelled within them, not in life and not in dreams or memories either.

I am not an experienced cave explorer, nor did I before this misadventure or after have any deep interest in them. I was touring Mammoth Cave because it was there to explore. A jolly good day out to round up my business in Kentucky and then home again to London. Yes, that is the typical and not very interesting origin of my entering the cave with a small group of likewise cave-interested holiday makers and locals.

I told you I had no interest in cave exploration at the time and yet I found myself growing bored following the typical route, clearly widened by passing feet and tailored to suit. I don't know what possessed me to leave the herd, as it were, but I did. I did. I saw a crevasse that looked to be sized enough for a man and slipped myself in. The sound of the tour group getting further away did not trouble me at that moment.

I had found a tunnel and this led to another tunnel, and another, and another. Sometimes there were wider openings too, peaceful and natural and untouched. I kicked at chunks of rock which littered the floor of the larger of one of these and marvelled for a moment at natures beauty even here in the damp and dark underground. Then I turned back, intending to quickly catch up to the group, hopefully having not been noticed gone.

I realised I was lost when I twice returned to the spot where I'd been kicking stones, clearing a patch and leaving my prints.

I suppose most men would have panicked then and run screaming into the tunnels. If not then, than surely when their torch burnt low and then spluttered out they would have. What I felt was apathy as cold as the stone walls around me.

Maybe it was the womblike quality of the caves which comforted me. Hard to tell. I do remember expecting to die. Or, not expecting, considering with a logical stance that death was likely. I would starve, or I would suffocate as the air around me grew staler and thinner. I would not have been the first to do so, according to the guide a number of consumptive settlers had lived here believing the air to be purer and yet were found perished of their disease all the same.

But I was not diseased, so likely the hunger would get me first. Or thirst. But I knew I wasn't to go mad. I felt not an ounce of panic. I was calm, steady of nerves in every way. I want that to be on the record because to dismiss what I - what we - saw as nothing but the brain conjuring up phantasms in it's fright would do this story a disservice.

I shuffled forward until I reached the wall of the cave. It seemed closer than it had when the torch still burned bright - as if it were closing in around me. Still I did not panic. Suffocation it could be then, should the cave collapse.

I was so sure of the certainty of death, caused by my own foolhardiness, that I only realised hope was still there when I heard the shuffling of feet in the tunnels. Behind me? Ahead? Impossible to tell. It was too far away for now.

I dared to hope the tour guide had spotted my adsence and, using his much superior navigational skills, figured out where I had been likely to go and followed.

I called out to him. "Hello! Hello there! I'm here! Hello!"

There was no reply and as I listened I started to regret calling out. The sounds I was hearing...they could not be the footsteps of a man.

They padded and shuffled, sometimes sounding to be four feet and sometimes two. A odd and mysterious gait. I could not possibly imagine what kind of creature it was and yet my brain tried to invent something to be afraid of anyway. Were the walls tighter than before?

I didn't even consider trying to flee into the tunnels. I could run right into the beast, or spend all my energy getting further and further lost. I had thought about dying before but in that moment, with some beast drawing near, I felt a rush for survival.

Whatever this was - be it a native to the caves or something which had wandered in and gotten trapped so now lived on cave bats, fish and wandering tourists - it would not have me without a fight. Sure, it's attack could bring about my end faster than starving to death, but the drive to survive is a strong thing.

I reached slowly down and picked up two of the largest pieces of rock I could find. They were sharp too and bit into my skin. I waited and listened. I wondered if this were how a mouse felt, driven into a corner by a cat and knowing running and hiding will no longer suffice.

The closer the beast got the more sure of it's direction I was. Not because of the footsteps, which continued to be irregular, but because of how it breathed. It was not the breathing of a healthy creature. It was...labourious, strained, painful sounding. Like it were sick or injured in some way. I hoped this was so and that I could finish it off before it finished me.

The beast sounded so close now. I could see nothing but my hearing seemed to have sharpened. I let loose my first stone. My aim was truer than I expected for I heard it jump back as my stone hit the floor and skittered off. I didn't heistate. I adjusted my aim and threw again.

This time there was the sound of something hitting flesh and then a louder thump as the thing fell over. Was it over? Had I killed it? There was silence for just a moment and then the terrible sickly breathing began again.

I turned in the opposite direction, one which I thought was probably from whence I came and ran. I stumbled into the rock wall, scrambled for the tunnel and ran again.

Soon I heard footsteps coming from in front of me and thought that I had been wrong about injurying the beast and it's state of poor health, it had come around and headed me off.

It wasn't until I saw the light of the tour guides torch that I realised I was in fact being saved. Nothing was behind me, the walls were not any tighter, I was saved. I embarassed myself then, babbling my gratitude whilst trying to explain what I'd seen.

The guide was sure there were no large predatory beasts in the caves, but agreed to accompany me back to check. Since the beast had not followed I truly gave hope that it was dead or too wounded to harm us. I won't keep you in suspense.

We found it. It was laying on it's front on the cave floor, still breathing but now more weakly than before. A rivulet of blood stained it's long white hair. It's skin too was snow white, almost translucent and it wore no clothing. It's limbs were...too long, especially the hands which were extended into sharp curved claws.

The guide moved forward boldly and turned it over. We both gasped and looked on in horror. It's eyes did not blink in the torch light. They were huge, black and bulging. It's nose was sharp and muzzle like. It's lips peeled back and bared too many teeth. Then it spoke.

"You...bastard..."

We fled. That was no creature, except it was. But it had once been a man.'

Statement ends.

A statement from 1905 is hardly one which we can follow up upon. Yes there is a Mammoth Cave in Kentucky and yes, they do give tours and have done for years. There is no full name of the statement giver, and it's unlikely he'd be alive even if there were. No other names are given. Honestly, this one should have been thrown away rather than added to the archive. The only reason I'm bothering with it at all is that there is one other statement that mentions this same cave and this same creature. It's shorter, barely a paragraph.

'We went to Mammoth Cave for the adventure. Only I came out alive. Deep in that cave there is a creature. It is pale like a ghost and hungry like a wolf. It sometimes takes on the form of a man. Do not get lost there. The creature will get you. We injured it but it may recover. Be careful'.

And this statement came with a lock of long white hair taped to it, which when tested came back as only partially human, the rest unidentifiable.

Recording ends.

[thomine]

This is my five billionth time trying to come up with something, so let’s go. Thank you! <3

I’d consider myself an ambivert that primarily prefers being alone to indulge myself in my hobbies, but also hates being lonely. While I wouldn’t consider myself sociable, I’m a friendly person. I can easily chat with most people. I love learning about people and hearing what they like to talk about. But my natural inclination is to cling to my alone time.

I am a very analytical person at heart. I like studying things to know why and how they work. This applies very much so to people. Because of this, I tend to be known as a smart person. At work, I am fast and accurate. I understand how my duties and others work in the big picture. I’m quick to notice when things are wrong and can point out where the error lies. I have a reputation for being a quick and reliable helper.

I’m generally known as a logical person. While I do have a temperament, I’m not seen as emotional. I make decisions with a level head. I’m not weak either. I love debates and arguments. I enjoy raising my voice. I do not hesitate to stand my ground if need be. If I get mad at someone, it’s typically because they’re contradicting themselves or saying something that makes no sense.

That being said, I’m lacking in many ways too. I’ve been told many times that I am a mean person. Apparently my way of speaking makes some feel like they’re being humiliated or mocked. I lack sympathy. I’m too outspoken. I serve primarily my own motives, not others. I’m stubborn, a know-it-all, selfish, etc etc etc.

My biggest insecurity is being misunderstood. I have a hard time verbalizing my feelings/opinions and conveying my intent which has gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past. That being said, what bothers me isn’t being seen as a good and kind person, but simply as being perceived inaccurately. I want to be understood as I am without changing myself to be more palatable to others. I may be selfish and unsympathetic, but I’m more than that.

So who would you pair me with? 👀 @paimonial-rage

this is a gift.

if you would like one of your own, please read my post here that lists what i'm willing to do and what to expect for a non-gift.

i wanted to pair you up with zhongli, ngl. but anyways, picture this:

you're in a debate with someone, temper agitated and argument points hot enough to dissolve your opponent's ego in the akademiya building. such a sight is common in the school, so you don't bother with the stares and looks knowing they'll treat you like background noise eventually. you raise your voice, disturbing those in the vicinity, but your adversary is literally covering their ears to combat your logical brilliance. it isn't long till they declare a stalemate. when you and your opposer part ways, you want to go home quickly but someone taps you on your shoulder...

it's tighnari. maybe you briefly recognize him considering his reputation in the academia and among the forest watchers. maybe you don't, but that doesn't bother him. reputation is just the backdrop of a person, not the person itself.

although... tighnari has heard of you. as you said, you're known as an analytical person, someone smart. he has a penchant for such people, and bonus if they can speak their minds. you're efficient, quick, reliable, which is everything tighnari wished he had in his colleagues. in some sense, perhaps he already has a small admiration for what he heard about you, but he's wary to place labels on these feelings. he doesn't know if you have a favorite color. he doesn't know if you like mushrooms. small steps, it's what he believes in, so when he sees the chance to approach you, he takes it without hesitation.

your debate intrigues him, and he has a few questions. he doesn’t mind talking to you there and then, but he has something to rush for in a few minutes. exchanging addresses to mail each other letters is the ideal thing to do.

you're not a sociable person, but that's not an issue for him. he's alright with initiating. anyways, he approached you, didn't he? after you exchange details, don't be surprised if you receive a letter here and there. at first, it's to expand on your argument, but casual topics are gradually discussed. and conversation, i believe, will flow smoothly with how you're open to hearing him ramble about his interest in plants and the ecosystems of the forest. it will be comfortable, and exciting in some ways, to have him write to you about the contraptions they use at the forest. from traps to capture berserk animals to their machinery of conveniences.

perhaps at some point in your brewing relationship, he invites you to the forest ranger's headquarters. tighnari's hands are shakier than expected, temperament more fragile than ice in the summer. he warns his colleagues with an infamous streak of trouble to not do anything silly, but of course something has to happen. a forest ranger carelessly discarded a trap they used in an old mission, causing the injuries of a wandering adventurer.

he's livid, marching silently towards the crime scene. he insisted that you stay at headquarters and wait for him, but somehow you find yourself tagging along. the guilty forest ranger is doing his best to deal with his mistakes, but his lack of knowledge on medicine makes it worse, causing tighnari's rage to grow.

it's not long till he raises his voice, eyes aimed at one person, tongue reprimanding left, right, front, center. the forest ranger shivers as if stripped naked in winter, and tighnari quickly deals with the adventurer's injuries.

he doesn't bring it up on the walk back or when he accompanies you out of the forest after a long day of planned (and unplanned) activities. instead, it's you. it's a levelheaded conversation, of tighnari's reaction, of the forest ranger's reactions, and ends with practical suggestions on how such situations can be minimized. he had people talk with him about his temper. they always say he acts out of line, but you don't, at least, not without understanding his point of view. you can see why he would be angry.

something clicks in him, and such a situation makes him crave your essence more.

hanging out with tighnari isn't tiring. he is a busy man so time is precious to him. he will plan and arrange days to do certain activities he thinks you might be keen on, but he'll also arrange times to do as each wishes, understanding the need to invest and indulge in one's passions. he doesn't need quick responses from his letters, and neither do you. it seems like he's an uptight person with all the planning, but he's actually extremely flexible, as required in the nature of his job.

of course, not everything is sunshine and rainbows. there are times your harsh and straightforward ways of speech has irked tighnari in his times of stress. he does not appreciate having your words slice through his already thinning patience, and arguments can erupt. it doesn't help that both of you are stubborn. but, he does not fault you for the way you speak or the sides you take. in fact, when others call you selfish, he calls you reasonable. the first rule he learned in biology is that fools don't look after their own needs, and this also applies to humans.

eventually, after having thought through thoroughly of each person's position, logic will prevail. consensus and compromises formed, and arguments quelled.

you say your biggest insecurity is being misunderstood. tighnari is not one to quickly place judgement on people. since the very beginning, he is aware that what he hears of someone is not everything. as researcher of plants and organisms, he knows how assumptions suffocate the growth of a plant. one needs to pause, to observe, to notice, which is exactly what he is. he relies on his senses and experience and less on prediction and universal rules. he is someone in tune with his surroundings; always open to be proved wrong. as a researcher, isn't it exciting when you're faced with the truth that you don't know everything? there is no worry of making yourself palatable for him. he appreciates you as you are, and will do the best within his knowledge and means to make sure he understands you as you.

i hope you liked my analysis.... i'm sorry if it's not a structured as what you did for me, or as interesting or accurate (idk??). i found it pretty hard to write without incorporating some sort of scenario or story so i hope that's alright!

[chim-chim1310]

Armys need to unsubscribe with the delusion that JK is innocent and a victim. aren't they the ones who are saying that the members get the say about what kind of promotion they're going to have? So that means JK knows all about these dirty strategies but he did not refuse. He's a grown adult, don't tell me he was not consulted for anything. Where's the logic in that? The man is enjoying all that he's getting for free. No one aimed a gun at his forehead; he's a very willing participant. He's basking it in, and for the life of me, I don't understand why people are still defending him like he's a saint. He's far from it.

I wonder how he's going to face other members after all these though, because if I were him I won't be able to show myself to my bros after I ruined our hard-earned reputation. unless, of course, if I'm shameless, can get away with anything, and think I'm superior to all of them 💀

Completely agree! I mean I used to actually like jungkook and think he was talented. But God..... He disappointed me so f*cking bad with this one.

And armies are hypocrites if this was jimin they would forget all of this ot7 bullshit and would be making shady tweets about him.

Jungkook is not an innocent child. They still think he's 15 years old or what? He knows everything. No one held him at a gun point and said you have to be successful and famous or we'll kick you out. Like wtf? Where's the logic?

Armies logic is so dumb. When the song does good, they're like "Obviously the members have control over the project. That's why it did so good" And when something goes wrong with the song. "It's not the member, it's the company" Like they chose whatever narrative is convenient for them.

Jungkook's stans don't give a f*ck about jungkook's reputation and all they want is for jungkook to be at the top so that they can brag about it.

While jungkook himself chose the easy way. After all this does he really think someone will respect him as an artist? He's ruining his own reputation. He'll only be called fraud and inorganic at the end no matter how much armies and his solos try to gaslight people into thinking that this success is because of his talent when everyone and their mother knows that this is all money speaking.

I'm so fucking mad with all this. I've totally turned to a pjm. I don't give a f*ck about anyone but jimin.

[ihaveasolutionbutyouwontlikeit]

Today was unexpectedly hard.

One student had an anxiety attack due to a small misunderstanding and, while I successfully helped them come back to themselves (with the aid of a wish puff), even after a couple hours I could still feel the residue of her worry and despair. I felt stuck not knowing if they were okay for the rest of the day since they went back to a different classroom, hyperempathy is tricky that way.

Another student told me they witnessed something horrible happening to a small pet at home, and while I'm glad they told me so I could share that awfulness (and therefore some of the load) with them and physicalise the thing, the mental image and sadness of what they're going through is hard and heavy.

I miss my best friend. I don't know how to move past what happened last year, how "best friends" could misunderstand each other so much. I don't know how much I can really look past, and still maintain a level of self respect. I cannot just let it go, as much as I may want to, it's not who I am anymore, the person who let's things go so we can keep being in each others lives, that's not healthy and a disservice to all the growth from the last couple years in standing up for myself and reaching out for help. I know in some regards, it would make things "easier". But I promised to stop hurting myself this way. The truth is I'm still in not a small amount of pain and confusion, the words "you made me uncomfortable" and not knowing when or why they didn't speak up sooner, somehow missing it, and my attempts at connection and reaching out at the time being considered "toxic", when I was just trying to figure out what was wrong/be helpful/be myself/ask for help. I felt ignored or forgotten about, a lot. I was struggling, a lot. I defaulted to asking for co reg and presence with them, a strategy we had both employed interchangeably in our friendship, via venting or time together, feeling heard and seen. And then it wasn't there anymore. The more male I presented, the further they felt. They didn't want to or couldn't talk to me anymore, and then I kept trying until I just kind of ...broke, under all the things combined. and it's created so much self doubt about my ability to be a good friend when I'm mentally struggling and/or they're mentally struggling, and even knowing how to reach out or have clarifying discussions. It's even hard to understand what people mean by banter, because so much of what I had been trying to do last year in this friendship was fulfill a previous request for "banter". Which they got mad at me for too. I think. It's heartachingly confusing, and I'm still processing. I'm still processing that I wasn't worth checking in with, by someone who I genuinely thought was my best friend and would help me after my meltdown, for three days, and that it may have been longer if it wasn't for the sake of me trying to do right by their kid. That the communication that day broke something between us from that point on. It was hard sitting in the same space as them today and pretending I was fine, on top of the other things. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be myself and not scare or push the people I care about away without dulling every edge of me, still. I still don't think I was asking too much, it was just too much for them and I made the mistake of taking people at their word. Again.

I also had two routine things changed today. They were part of my job and logically speaking I know I or others didn't do anything wrong for one of the changes, I know that, but it still was anxiety inducing and I'm worried it would cause consequences neither of us need, and while I can do the things and be "flexible", today all of these together, they threw me.

I'm not trying to be dramatic or too much. I'm glad I have this outlet, this void of a social media. I'm grateful for the friends I do have, who do check in when they can. I wish I had the right words to say to them, the "no I'm not okay right now, but I'm trying to be/am holding it because I have to parent/adult later and if I let this out right now, I can't guarantee I'll be able to parent/adult later".

It's also genuinely hard (maybe just for me) to know when to share or speak up or keep your head down and carry on/go with the flow when the variables (i.e. humans and their social rules, structures, relationship dynamics and spoken and unspoken priorities) keep changing and sometimes I'm just trying to do the right thing, without always being sure it's the "correct" thing. I don't know how to balance things without knowing the exact weight or consequence of them. I was too overloaded today to be able to estimate the weights and resulting branching out consequences to know what action to logically take. You cannot flow chart efficiently when everything requires you to solve a maze or puzzle first for each potential action. Which is what I used to do, before eventually overheating, skipping data, and exploding/imploding. The fast processing required for that in "real time" is not something my ADHD meds allow for anymore. I traded my clunky but speedy i7 processor for the ability to focus in 4KHD, actually remember things and be as possibly consistent and reliable as I can be for myself and the people around me on the daily.

The right thing to do is not always deemed the "correct" thing, and always seems to sit in the grey areas of pissing someone off. I'm always going to choose helping a child over any pain or annoyance caused to an adult. Even if that adult is me or a boss. Because I know at the end of the day, that was the right choice.

I release cried a tiny bit at work and a lot at home for a lot of this. It genuinely helped and I'm glad I let it out and wrote it out. It was not a strategy I was previously capable of using, as without my meds, my emotions make me spiral. I've had to relearn how and why I cry, how to use it. Physicalisation is more important than lots of people realise or talk about. Energy (mine at least) cannot be held for long (read also: distracted or dissolved through time) without causing issues and maladaptive behaviours, and emotions and thoughts are a type of energy that need release, need a flow state. It's why we cry. It's why we smile. It's why we clench our fists or hug ourselves/each other, pulling muscles into action, using the emotional energy, and finding balance and homeostasis again.

Tomorrow will be better. I hope.

[thebiggestvillianslairfan]

Hello!!! It's ya boy again, Some of you might remember the Satan Rat post I made, Well, Bad news to any Satan stans, But I dropped the project involving him like, Month's ago, As a writer, I always strive to create the most flawless piece of literature in history, So due to my high standards of myself, Dropping projects is very common, Alongside the characters for that project...However, There is one character who keeps jumping trough project to project as I work, One character that somehow works in every instance that I use her, So, I wanted to introduce to you the probably only character I'll never drop...

...You might be thinking "Jay, What the actual flip flop pattywack am I looking at?" Well, This is something I made on Pinterest college for my *Current* project, Since I can only draw rats for some reason, I need to find alternative ways to express my creative prowess, And then this happened! So, This is Roberta Roberts! Her design is a mix of mad scientist and Mesmer Jr from Reverse 1999. The owl legs is specific to the current project (Skinwalker x Moomin basically) Anyway, Lemme walk you trough her history

The year was 2024 (I think) Jay (Me) was not vibing, My father sucks and he doesn't love me and I don't know how to deal with that, So naturally, I pulled a that one episode of Bojack Horseman and turned my sadness into a brand! And boom! I took Mesmer Jr because she's one of my favourite Character's and just imagined a scientist coat on her and voilà~! Roberta was born (Her name coming from my dad's name, Robert) I forget what project she was originally made for, But the oldest one I recall was a lesbian dystopian novel about Roberta (An oneirologist) going down to an abandoned earth, Only to meet an orange girl named Clementine, The 2 then travel the world and learn how the new humans have started living on earth (The main appeal being that everything was based off of mythologies from different cultures, As in finnish people believing in finnish mythology and worshipping finnish gods etc) After that she bounced around a bit everywhere, A boardgame was considered with her in it, She was in !Ketchup¡ as the main antagonist (Kinda like Eve from no straight roads kind of vibe) I was probably gonna add her into the rat thing if I kept working on it, She was in the flower skeleton thing, And the nihilism thing, And the rat holes thing, In the skating thing as a zombie, I think I added her into the witch thing as witch of the eye, And of course in the beginning of nothing stories that never went anywhere (If you're curious about these other projects, Feel free to ask me and I'll to into more detail)

Roberta herself hasn't changed that much physically, In my head she's always just been Mesmer Jr in a scientist coat, As a character she's been trough hell and back though, She's been an oneirologist, A detective, a government personel, A general scientist, A Rollerblader, A god (Kind of, The dog was the god but it did what she asked him to do) And probably more.

After me and my dad made up (Divorce happened which gave him a reality check) My hatred for him has now just transformed into annoyance that he exists, So Roberta having daddy issues didn't appeal to me anymore...So naturally I gave her my aspergers so she could suffer with that instead! As a person, She's very stone faced, She isn't talkative yet she's extremely intelligent, She puts on a rock solid front to appear more masculine (Projecting) Because she doesn't want people to think she's weak, On the inside, Roberta is just not comfortable with human connection or contact, She doesn't understand people and they don't understand her, So she can't feel anything for them no matter how hard she tries (Projecting) Which makes her feel guilty, But she pushes those feelings down, logically speaking, Someone like her shouldn't experience guilt at all, If she doesn't care for anyone, How can she feel guilt for them? It's illogical. And Roberta hates illogical.

Anyway, Here's some fun facts, If you're interested in learning more about Roberta, Lemme know!

- She dyes her hair a lot (Ramona Flower's reference) Also a sign of how indecisive she is, She can't make a concrete decision, Not even about her hair colour

- The Passionfruit on her head in the image is a reference to how in the lesbian dystopia novel, Her name was "Roberta Passionfruit"

- She is German, But her parent's divorced when she was 4 and her mother moved back to her home land Argentina, Taking Roberta with her

- Her age is anywhere between 37 - 57, Depends how I am feeling that day

- She's goth (Her favourite band is Scary Bitches)

- She majored in biology and Antropology, She's fascinated by the human body and animal bodies

- She's unlabeled at the moment but she does experience romantic attraction towards her assistant Professor Orange (A woman)

- I took inspiration from Frankenstein when writing her (The scientist, Not the monster)

- She sounds like Glinda from the stageplay of Wicked the musical, Popular is literally just her with a certain other character I might post soon...

- She's an only child

- She's also loosely inspired by Gideon Graves from Scott Pilgirm

- She hairsprays her hair to keep it standing up like that

- She is a cat person

- She likes classical music, Like Frank Sinatra specifically

Okay that's all, Good night.

[overflowchute]

musing on a venty topic but not so much being like fucked up abt it just thinking about it

i think one of my most fundamental social problems is that if i want someone to like me or want to stay in someone's favor i will almost never ever tell them they upset or hurt me even if i get really mad about it and vent to other people, lol. obv there's people i trust and am willing to speak seriously to but i think it's part of what makes me end up in toxic friendships sometimes. obviously this is an "abused" thing and a "lonely" thing and a "there's no point raising the issue when someone isn't going to care" thing. but it is still kind of my fault if someone does something like this and i just try to let it flow off of me instead of being earnest and standing up for myself.

i'm kind of cowardly and always try to dodge around something in conflict avoidant ways b/c i really really HATE getting into arguments or justifying myself to hostile indivs. but it also means that i can build up a lot of, like, frustration with people that i refuse to show? and i think if people are aware of that too then it makes nobody able to trust me because they know that i go out of my way to not be irritable about ppl i enjoy knowing. maybe that's more a paranoia i have because of my whole "ppl who don't like me but don't realize this" issue, but idk i think logically if someone else can't trust that i don't secretly dislike them then it'd cause a lot of trouble. n i mean that in a "i need to be up front" way

it's just way harder when it's someone who i'm pretty sure cares about me way less than i care about them, and it's like, this connection is just spider webs like all the others. with some people you can brush off cobwebs and disappear into the darkness without much effort. but idk, i have a bad habit of sticking with people that make me upset all the time, and not saying anything, until finally i hit a breaking point and find a way to just disappear without warning. to some degree i feel an evil sense of glee about it? like i'm soooo good at hiding my intentions and my feelings regarding ppl who upset me. obviously no one reading this is one of those because otherwise i wouldn't say this in front of you btw

at the end of the day this is probably another trust issue. i don't trust that people actually care about me, let alone enough to want to change for my sake. i don't trust that people know or want to change. and i don't trust myself to properly feel bad when i should. instead of just feeling bad when i'm being annoyed about basic human living and interacting with essentially innocent people, all the time... so i guess you could say i don't trust in anyone's ability to solve these things, i dunno.

logically i understand how they should be handled, though. i think ultimately the answer is to just make more healthy friends that you can have earnest communication with and get experience having normal friendships irl with people you respect. but that is rather hard. i am a very weird mix of extremely pointy and paranoid and neurotic and hard to speak to, and also, a person who i think legitimately can be a good and interesting friend (notice i just slipped interesting in there trying to advertise bc i innately do so) and i have a hard time synthesizing those elements with my self-image b/c i don't want to be seen badly by ppl i desire respect from. i don't want to let people down or be seen with derision

unfortunately my brain tends to view positive compliments as popcorn and criticism/negative experiences as life-changing issues i have to constantly examine and analyze to figure out exactly what the problem is and wind through over and over for days on end... not sure how i end up fixing that one. maybe i just need to become really truly arrogant. idk. anyway

[lifenconcepts]

ultimately a human cannot fully Understand many truths, especially those of the spiritual/divine variety. but do you think it makes a difference to try? to reach for those truths regardless?

Is there really anything else left if you are to live in the nothingness of your circumstances and their consequences? Well, yes and no. An attempt will always be met with something - wether or not preferable. While silence can be a stationary comfort yet ever more deafening, a peace that can choke you out as you demand to stay still with it. Still, I can’t blame anyone for simply doing what is more comfortable or preferable. For even if many find it truly life changing, it’s just not meant to be for some. Do not force something to affect you that never was meant to be. listen, there are dozens of questions within every moment of waking and unconscious life, and the answers always seem evasive and vague, but if there’s a curiosity burning to be satiated - will you silence it? Ofcourse it’s logical to do what you feel is necessary and should be good, but sometimes it’s necessary to step out of your zone of comfort. Then again, there are so many variables, who, when, where, how.. why? Not one answer will satisfy all and not one solution or goal will be met by all because nobody really knows anything if you consider it. We’re only left to our own devices to try theorise and understand. As all science is based off pattern recognition and definition, something of which rarely hold much value in the realm of invisibility and existence of a real unreality.

I understand those who yearn, I am one myself, for I would give up my current life for the ability to get the taste of something beyond my form - to drown in the ocean, suffocate on a mountain, or burn in a forest.. it all is so charming and yet depending on circumstances. Others, though, no matter my own preferences, would rather sit in a hobbit hole and gladly spend time cultivating hobbies of which they find themselves engulfed in. Who am I to judge if there is no harm done? listen.. the divine has many of gifts to share, and yet I understand it may not be kind to everyone. You can’t blankly follow the path of another if your soul had simply not planned out such a journey, and where one may write a book or two about, another would fall into hysteria and despair through losing their sanity to their knowledge. I’m not speaking as if I consider myself better but rather in acknowledging my privilege, through awareness and acceptance.. I am granted immunity from effects of paranoia for the most part. Englightment and illogical and incomprehensible thoughts of delusion and fear often go hand in hand, and it’s hard to pin point one without diving into the other. A mad man has some genius, and a genius has some insanity. It’s just the way of balance. And yet, I’ve just been perfecting such a craft of where my knowledge seems to recover the statements already made and written. And yet where some may read it, I’m discovering it by my own hand to seek the proof. so many variables exist and so many inconsistencies and imperfections that I struggle to believe that infinity or 100% exists in any given situation or statement, and yet I try my best to make sense of the world around me and also hopefully help others, yet I’m just too fresh at this to give out the advice I hope to one day give.. through a millennia I’m merely 80 years, no less no more, but a burning itch has grown on my formless limps that make me reach out for the rest of what is hidden in attempts to find satisfaction in what I will be given, but even I have a nagging feeling that danger lay close beside it, like a sleeping guard dog.

ah- sorry. Did I go off track? Yes, make an effort if you must. Do not force it. Some are simply more inclined to do different tasks and have specific mindsets for themselves, a set of principles that are beyond their control or capabilities of reasoning. It’s like a cat playing with a mouse, oh the irony and fragility only to be devoured at a whim. Beg to not be, pray for the cat to be muzzled, yet you’ll come to realise that there’s beauty within the paws that cradle you and softness in the purrs, even as you may be tempted to feel threatened, use both logic and reasonless judgment,, spirituality is beyond what I am able to describe, yet I home you’ve been willing to learn something from this, I am unsure if it was of help.

[mapachiii]

not to drag this out but don't you think you and everyone that agrees with you are trying a little too hard to make abo (a plot device to make fluff and smut fics) too politically correct?

wasn't the whole purpose of abo to make omegas dependent and soft and sweet? i mean in one of my fav nomin abo jm pretends to be an alpha but you just can't deny that his body and his strength compared to the other alphas and even betas are built the way girls develop once puberty start (softer, curvier – you know? childbearing hips)? some authors completely write out the possibility of a boy omega and a girl alpha having opposite reproductive functions because it's just unfathomable to them to start to write. there's too many loopholes, not enough strong set rules unlike other au like harry potter or marvel or anime where a rule is only ever broken by authors who are brave enough to come up with different worlds/lore

the most common omega conflict in angsty abo has to do with omegas not obeying their wolf to submit and be soft and be taken care of and be provided for sulk when alpha leaves the bedroom to get water— like cmon work with me here! the textbook omega is literally a 1950s housewife mapachi

so why wouldn't omega boys have a bit of femininity? and (and people are gonna hate me for this) have female genitalia. you can go around in circles on this and make your omega boy beefy and smell musky and be strong and, you know, a boy? but before the fic ends he'll be leaking slick everywhere the way - don't get mad at the truth - only a biological woman can.

if we're mad at het standards then take away the leaking omegas! make them use lube the way modern universe boys do. "but that would ruin the purpose of making them an omeg—" EXACTLY!

why do we give the title of mother to our fav kpop boys that look softer, caretaker-y, and more femme fetale than a boy might look whether that's just styling or their personality. call them babygirl anytime they display a bit more aegyo, shyness. and isn't that INTRINSICALLY a feminine thing? not that men can't have that but is it common or even ever thought of as a manly thing? no. why do we not have any issues with lesbian couples having the designated butch/masc plus her babygirl but we shiver and shake when male omegas dare to fill their roles? why is it only heteronormative and wrong in abo?

i just think you lose anytime you try and add logic or politics to something like abo. heats are based on the concept of ovulation whether we're ready to come to terms with that or not as a society. thats a thing girls do. there is simply no logic to abo mapachi. it's utter trash made to indulge the illogical need to read nesting (a biologically feminine trait deviced to kick women into preparing for their babies), and fluff, and smut of all kinds. trust me i could go on but you cannot look at abo and especially omegas through an ultra progressive lens. you immediately fail because you're basing it on an illogical and imaginary foundation. it's all VERY unserious. that's why everyone can and will make their own rules about who in their eyes takes the knot according to what they want. we can't take them to progressive jail for it

I can't speak for the rest that share my pov but I'm not /trying/ to be woke or something, its my sincere thoughts regarding the topic. Idk dear, maybe for some thats the attractive thing about aboverse but not for some of us. I was never a fan of that take of making omegas cute lil weak sub things. Like yes, I do personally like them not being able to overpower most alphas, but never where they're a cliche of a bottom, you've never seen that monster high meme of "deuce you're hurting me~" ? well, that. "some authors write-" yeah dear, aboverse is a fan made thing, we can all make our own rules, for example I like the opposite that you mentioned. I know dear! And I personally am not a fan of it jsjsjs like kinda?? I've written myself about omegas "fighting" their omega because they don't want to be what society expects them to be, that sub lil sweet omega. Also, you just described omegas as trad wifes, thats my whole point jsjsjs. Oh boi, dear I'm 100% on the side of omegas having a vagina, and female alphas a dick, anything other than that doesn't make sense to me actually jsjsjs so as an author I can't, as a reader its easier for me to ignore but when writing it drives me insane, because their whole thing is being able to reproduce??? You're mentioning biological aspects, which I've never been against, what I hate is the character itself being reduced to a trad wife or poor lil princess that needs rescuing. unless its like idk medieval, then I excuse the sexism. At the end of the day, abovese is an excuse to drive misogenistic/sexist ideas/culture and force it into a same sex relationship. the first aboverse anime did something like that and it drove me crazy I was so annoyed and I was not even watching it. tbf, I do not partake in calling irl men wife/babygirl jsjsjs I only do that to one (1) male character in an otome game haha. Dear my biggest issue is how, just because a boy has "femenine" traits, they get labeled an omega AND people taking issue with others not agreeing orz like i like nomin as omega/alpha, alpha/alpha or omega/omega jsjsj Its just, I've seen people be so /mean/ and downright disgusting (by saying theyre disgusted themselves) when someone calls, for example, jaem an alpha, or jen an omega. Like thats my whooole point, its so icky, they get this, well, headcanon, and when they defend their take they get sooo nasty, and their misogeny/homophobia comes thru so boldly, and they end up being soo heteromative with abovese because of it. Like how an omega MUST be called a mother, even tho he's a man?? like what, and saying omegas are more /mother/ when, dude theyre just parents?? abovese just lets a man give birth but that does not take away his father label and turn into a mother…

btw it is very entertaining/fun for me to talk about these thigns jsjsjs I've gone late into the night discussing it with friends before.

[tumble-d-wumble-phd]

So I was talking to a friend today who is sort of fond of AI features. He’s a tech guy, loves the latest trends, and is a very receptive and kind-hearted person who does photography but cannot draw. We were discussing pornography of Clippy the Microsoft officesona, which he immediately assumed had been created by AI. I had seen this particular art piece at around the age of 16, so I told him that was impossible and that, anyway, AI cannot make art because it does not have a soul. It can make images, but it cannot make art.

He balked at this and suggested we debate it, which I don’t think personal opinion with zero impact on the other party needst be debated but off we go because it’s fun. His argument was that art is defined by having a passionate reaction: love, hate, fear, disgust. Therefore, if you hate AI art, that makes it art. We were chatting over pizza in a loud bar, so he didn’t get to elaborate much between slices. However, I think following this line of logic is interesting. It makes me think of urinals in museum displays and swastika graffiti. Do we preserve that which we hate, despise, find generally offputting?

When?

Why?

Recently, I saw images of a sculptural set here on Hellsite. They were made to look like litter in a big stark-white modern museum, scattered haphazardly. One piece got thrown away: a dented soda can.

It was relocated and got a clearer label.

The soda can does not make me disgusted, angry, or insulted. Moreover, it does not summon any sort of passion I can name.

Why do I think it’s art?

My first prong of the argument back was on that very question. I pointed to cathedrals first as I struggled to conjure a better point: they weren’t meant to stir passion, but devotion. Here was something big and vast that had to depict its major facets in pictures because the holy men spoke a weird language you didn’t necessarily grasp called “Latin” and sometimes they couldn’t speak it either and a guy got so mad about it he made a whole other religion. I think I choked something out about brutalist architecture too, more art made to make you feel humble and collective. Therefore, art does not have to stir a passionate reaction in order to be classified as art.

There’s obvious problems with this, namely that we can slightly shift his argument to encapsulate any sort of emotional reaction whatsoever. In this case, the discovery of a spider web by walking face-first in and screaming is art. Maybe it is, to God.

Via the water slide that is ADHD, I found myself discussing artistic depictions of Muhammad (a subject I do not feel qualified enough to explain on the internet) before cascading into Christianity. I told him about how Eastern Orthodox produced depictions of Jesus and co. in what some might find a more “medieval” or “unrefined” style well past the renaissance. They knew about the trends and the gay Italians. However, to them, holy art had to summon up to otherworldliness, sanctity. The face of God cannot cast shadows. Even in Italy itself, the brief rise of Dominican friar Girolama Savonarola (whose name I butchered horribly) in Florence allegedly had even Botticelli torch some of his paintings. To Savonarola, it was to combat the heresy of vanity. All these works cared about was the beauty of delicately rendered bodies, not Christ himself!

The Catholic Church had him executed.

Jesus HAD to stay sexy.

They really needed this at the time.

The second point I was trying to make with this, before I got distracted misnaming dead Italians, was that what ACTUALLY makes art is the meaning behind it. The bit of our soul we mix in is how much fun we’re having with this new brush, or that we really hate our stepdad, or that I need something to cheer me up after school. The soda can is art because the artist meant to make it. They meant to make it SO close to the original that someone could easily be mistaken, which I’m sure took weeks of hard work. They succeeded.

AI cannot make art because it doesn’t mean anything to the machine.

God did mean for me to run into that spider web though. The bastard.

[kyrodo]

I make this reiterating a separate post since it is a separate thought. I played a dangerous game where I could potentially lose Red. I crushed hard on someone and somehow I wanted to have them in my life and be free at least partially to express what I feel, or at least until my feelings died down to something more manageable even though in theory encouraging such habits means those habits might not end easily. I would have been happy being friends. But at the same time I was so happy we were making progress that I couldn't keep myself from wanting to express that happiness and that is what lead to you shutting me down. From my perspective it makes a lot of sense but only I feel what I feel and the only clues other people have to that is how I express it. I felt if that path managed to continue without too much issue things would have been fine at least on my end eventually. But I did also see clues that Ronnie would not be okay with being just friends either. So I kept switching gears thinking that's what he wanted instead.

And in the meantime my overthinking is balancing the fact that whatever happens Red will know about it eventually and I didn't want to lose him. So those are the worries I had, those were the kinds of thoughts I had and the fact that everything blew out of control like that is partly due to my heavy disagreement with your communication methods being long term. I observed people that could just talk to you, or reply to you on twitter without any issue. Just casually about whatever. And I was jealous. Given this was the only way it seemed we could communicate without you suddenly deciding not to acknowledge your side of it, I was extremely jealous. And I deeply wondered why we couldn't do the same. Why we wouldn't even give it a try.

Whenever you were mad sometimes I couldn't tell if it was against me or if it was as a result of whatever family stuff was going on irl. So I always felt the need to be extremely cautious whenever you were. And your tirade against cishets or whatever when I said I was bi/pan. I felt the fact that any part of me was straight meant I could also be a target. Because I got used to the way your communication works, which is entirely off of long reaching tangents that have nothing to do with the context it is actually trying to convey. In other words damn near anything you say that's even slightly mean sounding could actually be a genuine negative remark against me. This is why we never got along but you did everything in your power to make sure that stayed in place.

That the only way we could speak is through ways that could be misinterpreted. That was also what allowed you to fuel your attack force against me. Because the only rule about context is that it's whatever is most convenient for you. Because you are the subtext dm. What you say goes and whenever someone points out a problem, they're the problem. Because you are a pathetic whiny bitch.

You kept things in such a state where even the tiniest misconceived detail was enough to bring in an army. You made logic optional, and now you can't do shit because it's not optional anymore. It is said how weak you are when facts come into play but you made that choice.

[goldenhickeyss]

Things I dont like of Chapter 2 (the rise of solos)

You have heard me say it more than once that I don't like Chapter 2.

After much thought, and internal reflexions (cause sometimes I catch myself being mad or sad) I want to share with you the reasons (as a therapy):

1. There is no Ot7 content. Obviously, it's not the purpose, but if we want to see our favorites together (e.g. jikook), it's hard, and it makes me very sad 😥. There is only content from those who have something to promote, and so they do crossover, or a 2 x 1 (even in the design department).

2. Chapter 2 is the rise of solos, and maybe the end of the power or strength Army (as fandom) used to have. 

The true face of many accounts that are SOLO has come out. 

And when I say “SOLO”, I mean those who want the artist outside of BTS. I respect all opinions. But, if I knew that was their pov from the outset, I would not follow those accounts. Still, I follow accounts that follow and agree with those accounts... 😓😓 and the fact is that I don't know what the fuck to do, because sometimes I have the feeling that I need to start over and do a clean up, even though that would mean not following moots that I appreciate a lot.

I'm a bit of a solo myself. We all are. With our favorites. It's logical. 

But I want BTS back in 2025 or 2026.  I don't want any of them to leave the group unless they want to. 

And so far, they have expressed their willingness to be back together. I don't know... maybe they are constantly lying to us... or maybe it's the FUCKING TRUTH! 

As solos become more polarized, fandom will lose strength.

3. I do NOT like Hybe's planning at all. I'm sorry for what I'm going to do now, which is to compare, but it doesn't seem right to me that Hobi, for example, had almost 4 months for it (from July 15th when JiTB was released til mid October when Jin released the Astronaut) and Jimin only 4 weeks. Of course, the solution is to give more time to Jimin (not shade to my dear Hobi).

Let's see... wasn't this supposed to have been planned for a long time? This chapter 2.... 

Didn't Suga or RM have some songs already prepared before? 

Why not the vocal line? 

And what the fuck happened to the 3 songs and 3 MVs that Jungkook was talking to Hobi in early 2021?

Something is wrong here? Do you see it too?

4. In addition to planning, it should be added that Hybe is being very negligent in the way it promotes its biggest intangible assets: BTS members. I won't expand on this, because I already made a post.

https://www.tumblr.com/hickeyramenjmjk/714301263540584449/he-doesnt-deserve-this?source=share

But I do want to add something. It is good for all of us to speak out and raise our voices in the face of injustice. But we have to keep in mind that the solution is in Hybe now and the radio issue.

In my opinion, it is not organic to make massive purchases to boost anyone's position. I mean, from my pov, the merit is to take the song to the top 1 because everyone who listens to it, likes it, and then "it sounds more and more" and also they buy it. Army is needed, especially at the begining, but can't be the only source of success of BTS. 

BTS members deserve to be EXPORTED worldwide! Hybe DO YOUR JOB! 

5. Despite some glimpses of change (i.e. Bangtan naked era 😏) some things remain the same, to my own disappointment (but my fault & my expectations).

By this I mean certain very Kpop dynamics, which BTS still respects. Despite their privileged position and sailing between two seas: kpop and more western culture .... I think it's clear to us that where they are living influences their behaviour.

By this I mean all: the subject of women, how they should present themselves in front of Army, maintaining the illusions of the "ships", having  impeccable friends and collaborations (although as drinking is culturally accepted there, that seems to be well seen...).

It is funny to me when I see a lot of my PJMS-moots think that everything Jimin is going to do is always some kind of "coming out". There may be glimpses, and hints, but nothing could be further from the truth. Expectations of him are very high (free him from that burden!).... and they forget that he is one of the members who has the most respect for the elders and for his culture and values. If you talk to K-army they will point out that Jimin speaks with impeccable respect for Army. It's not for nothing that he's always at the top of the reputation rankings.

(Side note: maybe that's why the final part of "Letter" is so important, that it's not written in informal and that Jimin would never sing in that tone to Army).

There are things that have not changed and I wished they would change. For instance:

- I never expected jikook to come out of the closet, if I'm correct and they are together. But I also didn't expect such a level of misguidedness and protection (compared to other members, with whom they seem to go out to the theatre, football or drinking with no problem).

- I expected Taejennie to attend a premiere together, of some of their actor friends, and they didn't even greet each other at the Harry Styles concert. 

I don't think I'll ever get over this. 

https://twitter.com/taenniefacts/status/1643833776986890241?s=20

Even if you don't think they're a couple, and that it was all a set-up (a bit naive, actually), it's impossible to think that they don't know each other, given that they share a lot of friends (starting with the Paradise family). 

But on the contrary, to cover up what for me is obvious, Tae has over-used certain mass-raising behaviours.... you know what I mean.

- I thought Jimin was going to tell us a bit more about his album, and he censored things for the minors in his vlive. I will never forgive our Jiminie for this.😣

I still have faith in Jungkook's recent misbehavior 😂. Although not much either.... But if he comes out in one pic alone with Calvins, I'll adore him for life and think there's hope for change 🥹

Anyway... the best thing about this era is seeing their talent and getting to know their solo works. Obviously. And of course to see how all the top brands want them...

and  how they show more and more skin! hahahahaha....Let's enjoy it...

cr: @taebokkiii

Don't get me wrong.  I'd rather 10 times “chapters 2″ than see them go off to military service.

But I MISS BTS. A LOT. 

AND I MISS JIKOOK, TOO MUCH indeed.

And I needed to make this post, because it's a way to get out the helplessness I feel these months (while I also think about what to do with my twitter experience lately and the rise of solos).

[juuuuliee]

Broken promises

A/N: so... this is my first story I'm posting, so please don't be so hard on me hahaha... Constructive criticism is of course welcome! I'm working on a masterlist and other stories, so stay tuned if you'd like. I'm sorry if there are some logic and/or grammar mistakes - as I said, this is my first story. I hope you like it, have fun reading! See you soon :)

Pairing:young!Sirius Black x Reader

Genre:a lot of angst, a bit of fluff

Warnings:angst, family problems, relationship problems, jealousy.

Y/N felt bad. Not the kind of bad that makes you want to throw up, more like your stomach was knotting up and that queasy, uncomfortable feeling was getting bigger.

The common room had long been pitch black and only the fire, which was slowly dying away, gave off a small pleasant glow, but it barely reached the sofa where she was curled up.

He had promised. He had promised to be there and yet she had not seen him since lunch in the Great Hall.

Anger and disappointment kept bubbling up inside her, but she tried to ignore those feelings as worry about him grew and slowly took over.

What if something really happened to him?

Before she could think any more about it, she heard a creak and pulled up. The portrait door swung open and the fat lady could be heard cursing behind Sirius, who came stumbling into the common room, but stopped abruptly when he saw his steady girlfriend on the sofa.

"Y/N?" he asked, startled, looking at her with his eyebrows drawn together.

"Damn it, Sirius, where have you been?" she started, realising that the worry was just giving way to the anger that was rising at the sight of him.

"I was at the lake...well...it was someone's birthday from Hufflepuff and I thought...I could go...what did I do wrong, Love?" he told her hesitantly.

"What did you do wrong, Mister? I don't know, everything I think!" Y/N scolded back, theatrically throwing her hands in the air to express her frustration more.

"You said you were coming, Sirius! Hell, YOU even suggested we meet and still said, you’d had a ,,plan’’…I don't know if that was part of your plan, but if it was, I'm sorry, it's a shitty plan! I thought you would have hurt yourself or made it back to Filch's office."

"Y/N, I'm sorry, okay? I forgot, yeah? What do you want me to do? Invent a time reverser just so our ONE date can still happen?!" sneered Sirius, raising his own voice

"The ONE time?! Sirius I don't know if you've been counting, but this is the fourth time in a row you've forgotten or missed it!" now Y/N shouted too, at which Sirius took a step towards her, but she dodged him right back.

,,I know I'm probably overreacting, but I feel like I'm fighting for our relationship all by myself, Sirius. I'm tired of waiting for you all the time, even though I know you won't come and you probably don't even care. It just hurts, okay?" She had started crying completely now and pulled her jumper closer to her.

"Maybe it has something to do with your family problems," he interrupted angrily and raised his hand, which Y/N only looked at defiantly.

"I am who I am and that is how you should accept me, Y/N! I have apologised, what more can I do?!"

Silence.

Grey, angry eyes met e/c, staring at him with anger and disappointment.

,, "Maybe you should change your priorities if some Hufflepuff chick's party is more important than your own girlfriend, Sirius!"

,, "And maybe you should lower your expectations. You're not the most important person to me damn it!"

Ouch. It felt like Sirius had stuck a knife in your back and was very, very slowly turning it around.

"I didn't mean it, Y/N," Sirius said with a roll of his eyes, avoiding Y/N's hurt gaze and focusing more on her shoes.

,, "Yes you did and you know it very well!"

Sirius groaned and you could literally feel the anger bubbling up inside him again and he had to pull himself together very hard not to yell at her again. In the end, however, his temper won out: "You know what? I'm leaving! I'm tired of this kindergarten and this... this kind of you, Y/N."

"Fine!"

"Great!"

,,Fantastic!" sobbed Y/N, but Sirius barely heard it as he stomped up the stairs to his dorm.

Y/N sat back on the couch, exactly in the place where she had been sitting twenty minutes ago and everything was still "fine".

Had he broken up with her?

She didn't know, but she knew it hurt..., it hurt like hell. There was a hole in her heart and it felt like she was losing her boyfriend, who was moving further and further away from her into the mist, so that all she could see was his outline, not even looking back at her. She wanted to reach out to him, to run after him, but something that must have been her own pride pulled her back and tried to convince her that it wasn't her fault.

But she didn't trust that voice. If only she had stayed calmer... Maybe she could have talked to Sirius calmly about her feelings and thoughts....

——————————————————

"Y/N, wake up!" a voice called at her ear and Y/N slowly opened her eyes. Lily.

,, Lily, please! Let me sleep..." she muttered and turned around to avoid the red-haired witch.

"Forget it! It's Saturday...Hogsmead day," Lily purred excitedly.

"No!"

„Oh come on, Y/NN. We're going to Honeyduks and stock up on chocolate! James, Sirius, Remus and Peter are coming too, it'll be fun!", Lily tried to convince her, but Y/N just shook her head.

"I don't want to see him." "Who?" "Sirius." Lily furrowed her eyebrows questioningly, but quickly understood, "Did you two have a fight?" Y/N merely nodded her head and buried her face in her pillow.

"What was it about?" asked Lily, stroking soothing circles on Y/N's back to get the young witch to speak.

"He missed another date and was at some Hufflepuff party. I was so mad at him...I said things I didn't mean and so did he...His temper won of course...I don't know, it all just escalated. I don't think he wants to see me either." Y/N reported as she sat up and Lily nodded understandingly.

"That's bullshit. He knows he messed up, Y/N. Sirius isn't that stupid... and of course he wants to see you! Besides, it's Saturday, so if you two don't get along, you'll need some frustration food, Y/NN... chocolate! It'll be alright." Lily tried to persuade Y/N and she had to grin.

"Maybe you're right..." said Y/N hesitantly, "Of course I am!" laughed Lily and started to push Y/N into the bathroom.

,"I'm sure he'll be pleased." Repeated Lily, giving her friend a cheery smile.

Once in the Great Hall, the two girls headed for the Gryffendor table where all the Marauders were already seated. Lily gave Y/N's hand an encouraging squeeze before greeting the boys: "Hey!" she called and sat down next to James, who greeted her with a kiss. Y/N stood next to them a little indecisively before squeezing in between Peter and Remus, who greeted her with a quiet,, Hi."

She could literally feel the looks of the others lingering between her and Sirius and lowered her gaze to her plate to avoid the looks from the others and especially Sirius... unsuccessfully. She couldn't help but squint over at the black-haired boy. He had bags under his eyes and was also keeping his eyes on his plate, which was full.

Instead of chatting to the others, she followed James and Lily's relationship banter, which made her wrinkle her nose more than once... Cheesy as hell!

Fortunately, breakfast was over quickly and the group set off for Hogsmead. Sirius and Y/N were mostly quiet and only said something when asked. They all went to Honeyduks together first, where Y/N stocked up on lots of chocolate, at which Sirius just raised his eyebrows, but she avoided his questioning gaze and slipped unobtrusively over to Lily, who was sneaking a caramel into her mouth.

Are you okay?" she asked with her mouth full, eyeing her friend who was standing in front of her a little indecisively.

"He's not even looking at me, Lils... What if he broke up with me yesterday and I haven't even noticed?" whispered Y/N in panic and Lily quickly shook her head.

"He didn't break up with you... Sirius, even though this sounds weird, loves you... Even Peter can see that! Just go up to him and talk to him. But stop blaming yourself: HE messed up and stood you up, not you." She said urgently, piercing Y/N with her green eyes.

„It's okay, Lily," Y/N said, and moved away from her friend, again walking to the biscuit shelf, which was very close to her boyfriend. She looked over at him cautiously and noticed that he was peering over at her too, whereupon she quickly averted her gaze from Sirius again and pretended to analyse the biscuits on the shelf with interest.

After the group had paid for their things, they went into the Three Broomsticks. By the time they entered the pub, it was busy and noisy, making it difficult to find a table to seat them all. After a few minutes, Sirius waved the friends over, who had apparently found room at a table where two Hufflepuff girls were still sitting, giggling as Sirius sat down next to them as he grinned charmingly at them.

A wave of jealousy and frustration erupted in Y/N and she had to pull herself together not to flee the pub immediately. Instead, she bit the inside of her cheek and sat down next to Remus and James, opposite Sirius and Hannah, who probably considered Sirius's forearm her own. She batted her eyelashes and obviously(!) flirted with Sirius, who happily joined in her game.

Y/N quickly looked away, unable to afford to put up with this fuss any longer. Remus unobtrusively squeezed her hand under the table and, Y/N smiled at him gratefully.

Y/N sat awkwardly at the table, not knowing what to do or say next at the sight of her steady boyfriend apparently having already found a new one. Sighing, Y/N stood up and muttered: "I'm going to get us butterbeers, okay?"

Without waiting for the others to reply, she hurried away from the table. She noticed tears forming in her eyes but immediately wiped them away and made her way to the bar where many teenagers were gathered. Desperately, she tried to make her way through the crowd and eventually managed to do so.

She didn't notice someone squeezing up behind her and pushing in next to her until that person snapped at her.

„Y/N?"

Startled, she pulled up to look into the friendly face of Amos Digorry, who was looking down at her.

Oh! Hey, Amos," she greeted her seatmate in Divination and smiled at him.

"Is everything okay with you?" he asked with his eyebrows drawn together and Y/N nodded quickly as she wiped a few remaining tears from her cheeks.

‚,Everything is great, yes," she replied and was glad when Rosmerta put the buttebeer on the counter. Y/N smiled at her in thanks before turning to Amos, "See you around, Amos." She said goodbye and hurried away.

Arriving back at the table, her eyes immediately fell on Sirius and Hannah, who were still talking to each other. Hannah giggled and Sirius seemed to be perfectly comfortable in the company of the beautiful brunette too.

Y/N knew her, she was her seatmate in Potions. As she took a closer look at her, a wave of insecurity gripped her. She had everything one imagines as 'perfect'. She was tall and thin, with a small waist and an elegant posture. She just fitted into the toxic beauty ideals that existed and Y/N hated so much. And the worst part was that there was actually nothing to not like about her. She was sweet and helpful and super nice.

Even though Y/N knew that your weight, your smile, your general appearance, how many friends you have and whether you get good grades doesn't change your worth as a person, she suddenly felt so small and superfluous that she couldn't take it anymore.

She noticed tears welling up in her eyes and stood up abruptly, causing her to bang her knee against the table.

Pained, she screwed up her face and looked at the questioning faces sitting at the table, staring at her. Great... Embarrassed, she brushed a strand of hair that had fallen into her face behind her ear and smiled consumingly, but it looked more like a 'I'm going to cry' smile.

"I- I think I forgot my... uh my- something in Honeyduks, I think... I have- so yeah... I'll go..." she stuttered awkwardly, though she realised all her friends knew she was lying.

She quickly hurried away from the table and Sirius, unable to suppress the tears in her eyes. Hastily she wiped them away, but more kept coming. She didn't notice how Lily called after her in vain and Remus got up from his seat and tried to run after her, but James pushed him back into the chair, looking hauntingly at Sirius who sat frozen. When she got to the crowded alleyway, Y/N just stumbled through the crowd and was glad when she got behind Honeydukes, where there was a path that led to the howling hut. The path was snowed in and would have been beautiful if Y/N had paid more attention. She trudged along the path until she finally arrived at the howling hut. She just stared at it and stopped in front of it. She focused on the small cracks in the wall that looked like small branches of trees moving in the wind.

She heard footsteps coming closer and closer and turned around. Sirius. His black hair was a mess and he hadn't even zipped up his jacket. He was panting and apparently out of breath when he started to speak: "I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry, yeah? You have to believe me when I say I'm sorry... Please Y/N, you have to believe me."

She said nothing and just looked at him urgently until he began to speak again: "Please say something. You can yell at me too, you can yell at me all year and the years after, but please say something." He pleaded, looking at her pleadingly as he wiped his face.

"You don't know anything, Sirius." , she started and he nodded to get her to talk further.

"You don't know how much it hurts to wait for a person that you- that you seem to love. You do know what it's like to not feel loved and- and to feel insecure... you know exactly what that feels like. And I always get so mad at the person who makes you feel that way because they hurt you! And I think I can say that I'm there for you then!" she gulped and Sirius nodded to agree with her, "But you're never there..." she sobbed, letting her tears fall again.

"I know you love me and I can't compare your family to our relationship. I feel good in your presence and- and that's how it should be... - that's how it should be! But- but it always hurts so much when you stand me up or ignore me and I don't even know what I- what I did wrong...I wasn't the one who stood you up, Sirius. It was you...and so many times!" she continued in exasperation and Sirius wasn't sure whether to let her finish or give her a hug. But before he could make a decision for himself, Y/N continued: "And today was even worse! Lily told me all the time that it wasn't my fault and now I know that it wasn't or isn't mine either. But then when you were flirting with Hannah and you-you were having such a good time, I was so sad! Why can you talk to her and have fun but not with me?! Why are you happy to see her but not me?!" asked Y/N desperately and Sirius opened his mouth to stop her from having those thoughts but she continued with a sad look: "You once promised me you would never make me feel small or insecure. You once promised to always be there for me. You once promised me that I was the "only one" and that you loved me. You promised to be there for me so many times, Sirius. But somehow you broke them all and I don't know what to do with these broken promises. I love you and that's not going to change, but I- I just don't know what to do with it when you- you hurt me so much and make me feel so insecure... So actually, you do know what that feels like...just differently." She confessed to him and completely burst into tears.

Sirius, who had tears in his own eyes, looked at her with a pained smile, which made her cry even more. He broke the distance between them and took her in his arms. He pressed her tightly against him and had to bend down to put his face in the crook of her neck. She clung to his shoulders and pressed her face into his chest to breathe in his familiar scent.

They stood like that for a while. Both crying, holding each other as close as possible. After a few minutes, Sirius slowly detached himself so he could look into her eyes.

"You don't know how sorry I am, Y/N. I don't want to hurt you! Merlin, when I think about the fact that I did it, I want to hurt myself. You're- you're- Damn, I'm not good with words!" he laughed and even Y/N had to smile a little.

,,I love you. For everything you do and for everything you say. I love you for who you are and for those little things you do for others. And I will- will never stand you up or break the promises I made to you ever again. I swear I will do my best, Y/N....and I am so grateful that you love me because I never wanted anything else in my life! You don't have to forgive me now...I understand if you don't, honestly." He said softly so she could just hear.

She smiled slightly at him and said laughing: "So if you kiss me now, it'll make things a bit better."

Sirius grinned and closed the distance between them, placing his warm lips on hers. He kissed her softly and lovingly, as if afraid to scare her away, but she didn't go. She deepened their kiss a little and sighed into his mouth.

As they kissed there like that, in front of the howling hut with dried tears on their cheeks, Y/N knew that everything would be allright again....

[olivia-anderson-fanfic]

Into The Unknown, Part 4

First

Previous

It was late at night and Tim was having problems sleeping.

Marinette wasn’t, clearly. She had pulled on one of his old t-shirts and passed out pretty much the moment she had touched the bed. She was a cuddler when she was asleep, he had found out when she had started wrapping herself around one of his arms. He’d pushed her off, then he’d tried scooting… and then he’d fallen off the bed in an attempt to leave distance between them. The moment he’d hit the floor she’d spread out starfish style and taken up the entire bed.

(He was beginning to regret the fake marriage thing, this was definitely going to become a nightly problem if they didn’t want people questioning their marriage stability.)

He’d finally managed to successfully thwart her attempts by sticking his second pillow between them. She’d been peacefully clinging to it in the hour or so since, dreaming away.

Tim, however, was not so lucky...

It wasn’t for lack of trying, of course. In fact, logic dictated that he should have fallen unconscious a long time ago because he hadn’t managed to get his hands on almost any coffee that day. No, he certainly should have been able to sleep.

The only thing stopping him was Damian.

You see, every time he neared blissful unconsciousness, Damian would make these… sounds. They almost sounded like whimpers. Tim would jolt out of bed to make sure the kid wasn’t choking. He’d looked it up, and Damian shouldn’t choke because there was nothing near him to choke on, but dear god was it hard to believe that when the kid made those little squeaks every time he shifted in bed.

But it was nearing three in the morning, now. And Damian wouldn’t stop. And Tim was so tired.

He sighed and reached into the crib and picked up the baby.

Damian began to cry, angry at being woken up, and Tim hurriedly grabbed the pacifier from the crib in hopes that it would get the kid to shut up.

Don’t wake Marinette up don’t please he doesn’t know if she’s the kind to get angry and OH SHIT.

The bed shifted as Marinette slowly pushed herself up, and she was either squinting at the pair for disrupting her sleep or struggling to open her eyes.

“Que?” She said, not particularly mad but definitely not awake enough yet for that to happen.

“It’s fine, I’ve got it,” he assured her.

“‘Kay,” she said and it took a second for him to fully understand the language switch but, hey, she was sinking back down into the bed so at least that was good.

What wasn’t good was that Damian was still crying.

Tim sighed and shoved the pacifier in his brother’s mouth and refused to let go until Damian had realized that crying was getting them nowhere. “Good baby,” he murmured absently as he bounced the kid in his arms.

Well, if Damian was up he might as well change his diaper now. Maybe then he wouldn’t have to do it again.

He trudged to the bathroom and changed the diaper. It was less daunting now that it wasn’t his first time. Or maybe he was just too tired to care.

Whatever. He quickly washed his hands and then carried the kid to bed.

Marinette had fallen back asleep again, pillow clutched to her chest.

He squinted over. Pillows were bad around babies. (So were blankets, but it was a hot night anyway so the blankets were long since discarded at the end of the bed.) That was what the internet had told him.

Then, an idea came to him. He carefully removed the pillow and set Damian between them.

It took approximately five seconds before Marinette’s face screwed up with annoyance in her sleep and she started reaching around.

Damian made a quiet yelp as he was suddenly pulled to Marinette’s chest and caged in her arms. He gave Tim a betrayed look that was way cuter than it should have been.

Tim could only laugh and take a picture of the two of them.

Then, he settled down in bed.

Damian was still squinting at him, making it hard to sleep.

He reached a hand out and started awkwardly petting the kid’s head. Was it probably bad to pet the kid like a dog? Yes, of course. But it was working so maybe not…?

Damian fell back asleep quickly and Tim stopped his weird petting thing in favor of shifting around until he had managed to find a comfortable spot.

He cast one tired look back at Marinette and Damian. Damian was currently sucking on Marinette’s pinky finger in his sleep and, apparently, she was too out of it to even notice.

Tim smiled a little and let sleep finally take him.

~

Marinette woke up slightly confused and very warm.

She blinked the sleep from her eyes and then fought the urge to jerk back in bed when she realized that she was hugging a person not her usual giant cat plush and that the weight settled around her was yet another person.

She struggled to make her brain catch up…

Oh. Right. Robin had been turned into a baby and now she was taking care of him with Red Robin for the foreseeable future. They were pretending to be married and part of that was sharing a hotel bed because getting two beds might arouse suspicion.

… none of this explained why she was currently clinging to Damian. Or why Tim had thrown an arm over the two of them while they slept.

She could vaguely remember something happening in the middle of the night. Baby crying. Tim assuring her he had it handled… then what? She didn’t know.

Not enough information.

She decided she didn’t really care. Maybe she’d care more when she woke up more. For now...

She nuzzled her face in Damian’s hair. Still tired. No one else was awake, so --.

Damian started crying.

Marinette groaned a little. Nope. According to the baby it was morning.

She felt the arm Tim had around her pull away as he flipped onto his back. He rubbed his eyes and then looked over at her.

“Your turn,” he mumbled.

“Noooooooo,” she whined even as she released Damian to sit up.

But then Damian crawled over to Tim and threw himself onto his stomach. Tim wheezed as the air was sapped from his lungs.

Marinette hid her amusement behind her hand as best she could, but she couldn’t help but say: “Y’know, I think the kid might just disagree with you on that one.”

He removed one of the hands from his face to flip her off.

She snickered. “Fuck you too. But, really, I’ll do it. Just give me a second to wake up a little.”

He buried his face into one of the pillows and didn’t do anything more so she assumed that was him accepting it.

She gave herself one long sigh before she picked up Damian and started preparing him for the day.

~

Tim was pretty sure his arms were going to fall off. Why are babies so heavy? They’re so little. Where were they even putting all that weight? That should be illegal.

Well, they were going shopping, at least. They could get a stroller. In fact, if Tim had his way it would be the first thing they would do.

… obviously, he didn’t.

Marinette dragged him to a jewelry store.

He raised his eyebrows as he leaned over the case of rings with her. “You know we aren’t actually getting married, right?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yep. But I’m pretty sure if I left you alone you’d buy me something from whatever this world’s version of Claire’s is.”

Tim blushed a little. That kind of had been the intention.

She didn’t seem to notice. “Also, if I’m married guys might leave me alone.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“You’d be surprised,” she said. She waved over a clerk and pointed to two simple silver bands. “Just these two, please.”

He waited for the clerk to leave before sending the woman in front of them an odd look.

“I thought you’d go for something more… more,” he said.

She shrugged. “We’re on a budget.”

“Oh.”

Then she flashed a grin and reached out to poke his nose. “But once we get a stable income you’re totally getting me a nicer ring.”

He held his free hand up in mock surrender. “Okay, fine.”

Damian saw the slight freedom as an indication that it was time to pitch himself out of Tim’s arms and Marinette yelped as she reached out to catch the child. Damian whined, which seemed to be the norm for preventing him from dying an early death.

She sighed and set the baby down on his feet with only her hand to keep him upright. “I’m going to let him walk around a little since he seems bored. You pay.”

“I’m paying either way.”

She stuck her tongue out at him before letting the baby lead her in aimless directions as Damian struggled to learn how to properly use his legs.

~

They had a stroller now. Damian was determinedly refusing to use it. He was hardly even letting them hold him now, throwing a fit whenever they tried to pick him up. Marinette made a mistake by letting him ‘walk’, apparently.

“Don’t know what we expected,” Tim half-joked.

Marinette shrugged helplessly.

Damian walked between the two of them, using their hands as a kind of crutch to keep himself on his feet while he half-walked-half-stumbled around.

When they got to the end of an escalator the both of them lifted Damian so he wouldn’t trip and, apparently, this became the kid’s favorite thing. He yelled ‘again’ in Arabic and the two of them had smiled because it was kind of cute that Damian could find so much joy in something as simple as being carried by the hand for a few seconds.

… it got less cute over time.

Tim let go of the stroller for half a second to pinch the bridge of his nose as they lifted him for what must have been the millionth time that hour.

“Okay. Okay. We can split up. Do you want to do clothes or toys and books?”

“Clothes. I need to get some stuff for myself and, honestly, I don’t trust you to find cute outfits.” She glanced him up and down, fighting the way her lip tried to curl in disgust. Tim must have had someone to dress him back home because there was no way he had managed to get famous dressing like that. “So, I’ll dress myself.”

He frowned. “What’s wrong with how I dress?”

She ignored him in favor of leaning down to speak to Damian. “Do you want to go get clothes?”

“... ma?”

Right. He spoke a different language.

She glanced up at Tim. “While you’re looking at parenting books, grab books on raising bilingual kids.”

“Weren’t you raised in a bilingual household? Why not just use that?” He asked, frowning.

“... just because I’m mixed doesn’t mean I was taught both languages.”

He winced a little and nodded. “Right. Okay. Meet back up here in an hour or so?”

She laughed at him. “Please. I’ll call you when I’m done picking out clothes.”

“... you know I haven’t forgotten that you totally dissed me, right?”

“C’mon, Dami, we gotta go!” She said brightly, picking up the kid despite his protests and speed walking away.

~~~~~

Next

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