#make stuff for me she started screaming like an insane person that i was accusing her and it wasnt fair and i was mean and rude and that sh

[ouchhq]

venting :-) sorry

[trashlie]

ILY FP 237

Wanna know something that feels insane? I went to go reread 151 for yknow, reasons, lmao and I noticed it came out September 30, 2021.

/2021/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S BEEN 2 YEARS SINCE THAT EPISODE DROPPED?! NO WONDER WE CAN'T BE NORMAL ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!! NO WONDER WE'RE ALL AS FERAL AS SHINAE AND CLIMBING WALLS AND CHEWING THROUGH OUR KEYBOARDS. I can't get my head around this lmao TWO WHOLE YEARS?! What the HECK?! This has been WILD!!!!!!!

Anyway, I kind of wish you guys could have seen me immediately after reading this episode because I swear it felt like I went through the five stages of like, grief or something, for reasons I'll get to lmao like, my friends and i live blog at each other as we read and it was just a wall of screaming cat emotes sent over and over and DREAD and STRESS and some kind of dramatic chaos and calamity before we got it out of our systems and were like "okay i can be normal* about this now

*as normal as possible all things considered lmao

Anyway. AN EPISODE AIN'T IT? Let's go

I had fantasized a lot about how I waned Dieter and Nol's conversation to go, and as always, I was not entirely on the mark. That's why I'm not the one writing ILY XD But regardless, I love what we got, and we got things that I did NOT expect at all!

There's something about how it starts off with that sort of.... "we're pretending everything is normal and that you didn't totally oversee me making moves on the girl you like while i thought you were sleeping and you don't even know why I came back after blocking all of you let's definitely make visitation plans" that is so funny to me, even though that's absolutely how I expected it to go. Dieter is the master of playing it cool, much to his own detriment, but it works in this case, because Nol is so very like a feral cat, isn't he?

I'm actually really glad that we touched on the topic of visitation because I was SO CERTAIN Nol wouldn't want them to visit him, wouldn't want to be seen like that, wouldn't want to be reminded of their lives going on while he's stuck behind bars for a crime he didn't commit. And Dieter is not that subtle with the way he goes down the list of the potential visitors Nol can have - not that there's, yknow.... many..... lol but we all know what he's getting at, carefully hedging the important matters at hand. "It would make you happy if she visited you, too... right?"

Something so funny about my agitation at the end of this episode was that I so badly wanted to comment on how Nol's reaction to Dieter winning the game reminded me SO MUCH of the expressions Shinae makes lol I don't know if that's just a result of quimchee's artstyle or just one of those many things they have in common, but it makes me laugh a lot.

Dieter possesses a rather straight forward nature that I'm so envious of. I'm the kind of person who struggles to bring up things that I need to talk to friends about, too burned by past experiences that didn't go well that I still get worried that addressing important topics with my friends will go south even though I know better, so I beat around the bush, I hem and haw. But Dieter is SO direct with Nol, even as Nol tries to deflect, even as he attempts to bush it off. It's so admirable! Especially while Nol is being.... well. Nol lmao

I CANNOT believe that he really went nine-year-old on the playground being accused of liking a girl like. He LITERALLY went BLEH why would I even HURL alkfjkafjafjkafkjafjk MY GUY?! ALKFKAFJAKFKAJFKJ?1 He is akjffakfj a MENACE truly related to Nana!!!!!!!!!

I think this must be the most open and honest Nol has ever been with Dieter. When you think about it, Dieter really is the one friend who has been the most "on the outside" of Nol's life, he has only known Yeonggi, and it wasn't for malicious reasons. That's all the stuff Nol dislikes about his life, that he tries to neatly compartmentalize. Up until recently, he was able to do so. Kousuke was off his back, he was more or less free. Everything changed when Rand went out of country and Kousuke had Nol helping out at the office. Dieter had no reason to really know much more about Kousuke and Nol's relationship because Soushi joining their group meant Kousuke wasn't around as often, and we saw that they both were able to thrive (as well as possible) outside of the way of each other.

So for Nol to open up enough to tell him that he doesn't really make friends, despite how it looks. That most people don't really seem to like him, that he doesn't like his peers or his family, that they are really the only people he has let into his life is big. There's so much Dieter still doesn't know about him, but baby steps. You can't just dump all of that, even if he was ready to.

And in him saying this, to some degree I understand. After all, all this while Nol wasn't even aware of those feelings, of what she meant. I think there were moments - like at the formal when he made her laugh - but it wasn't anything like when he had his head rest upon her shoulder, feeling at peace despite his injuries, feeling calm despite the location, feeling like he could fall asleep and learned that it had nothing to do with medication that made him realize it. So on the one hand I DO get his logic, because what if he IS misplacing this feeling, what if he IS wrong, what if he's making something out of nothing?

But I'm sure on another level he knows better, because he knows what Dieter saw, because he was acting on what he felt.

I think Nol has never had feelings for anyone, because he has nothing to compare this to. He said he "tried to make it work" with Alyssa, but there's a sense that he was never actually into her, that there weren't actually any feelings there and they never grew as time went on. And now that he feels these unfamiliar things for Shinae, how is he to know?

What's really funny is that this is the same tactic as Shinae, but in reverse. When she told him we're all friends and he adamantly told her no, because he knows better, because it wasn't platonic, because their kind of friend is so different from how she's friends with Dieter. And even though he's the one who knows his feeling and suspects hers, he still tries the same logic she used: that anyone else could be in her position and maybe he'd still feel the same, that maybe it's just because he's so starved for kindness that he's responding to that.

Again, we know better, but it's so funny to me that she literally tried to use the logic that all friendships are different but also she could put anyone else in his place and it would be the same.

Please. I need them to stop kidding themselves lmaoooooo

For Nol's sake, though, he needs it to be a thing that will pass, because in his mind not only does he endanger Shinae by caring about her, but he also betrays his friend, only further hurts him, and given that Nol's whole deal is that he tries to rebalance the bad he brings into the world by making up for it with good, he's really doing a terrible job.

Unfortunately for Nol, feelings don't work like that and logic can't control them. He can tell himself it might be a thing that can pass, that it might be something that he'd get over, but that doesn't change Shinae's feelings, and the fact that she clearly likes him, not Dieter. It would be so much easier for Nol if Dieter actually treated it like a betrayal, if he was mad at him, if he felt like Nol had wronged him. He wants him to be angry, because he can at least use Dieter's anger and pain as a reason to step back, because god knows Nol himself does not have the will power to do it on his own. If he can say "Acting on my feelings is hurting my friendship with Dieter" he could have a concrete reason to ignore them, because it's not worth losing his friendship.

But that's not who Dieter is. He isn't giving him that kind of excuse.

We can see, too, just how important those friendships are to Nol, that hurting Dieter would be reason enough to drop his feelings! Because these are the only friends he has. The only people who have made him feel like he has value. Made him feel not like nothing but something. A somebody. Special. That's not something worth throwing away, which is ironically what gets him into this problem. These people made him feel special, and he came to care about them as they care about him, and in his mind this has endangered them all, and it's more than enough reason to hold them at arms' length, to smother his feelings and hope they'll die out like cold embers, hope that if he doesn't fans the flames or add new wood, it will go cold.

I really feel for Dieter having this conversation because honestly, it can't be easy. Even though he's holding himself together, we know that it still hurts. His expression with his eyes closed when he mentions how he's seen the way Shinae cries for him... agonizing! He's seen it multiple times now! He's always the one who picks up her pieces and gives her comfort, even though it hurts him to do, even though he knows why she's crying. It wasn't just what he saw that morning when they thought he was asleep - he's been watching this all along, from the beginning, always consciously comparing himself to the people in her life and how she interacts with them. Even as a friend, he doesn't have what she has with Minhyuk or Nol. Dieter knew all along what he was getting into, knew all along the way they interact, the way they gravitate towards each other, and he couldn't help but hope he might have that, too. That with enough time they could be like that. All this morning did was show him that he was never going to have that with her, that he never really stood a chance. ;~; But he tried! It's more than Nol can say right now....

Nol's agitation is such a BIG deal! Again, Dieter has never really known Nol. Yeonggi wasn't like this! Yeonggi didn't have this energy, that feral cat energy, that edge! His shock in response to how Nol responds shows that much - because to him this isn't a big deal, if he likes her then he likes her and he just wanted Nol to know that he won't hold it against him. But there is just so much Dieter doesn't know! He can't understand at this point why Nol is so emotional about it, why he seems so agitated and upset, why he's insisting it will never happen. Seeing those emotions on his face!!! The way Dieter goes from startled to defensive to concerned.

"If you don't like seeing her hurt, it's in your best interest to keep her away from me."

That sounds so threatening! He's the only one who is hurting Shinae, what Nol is saying can't possibly make any sense to Dieter.

He doesn't know about the formal.

He doesn't know about Shinae getting tricked by Yui, how she was coerced to attend that harrowing formal in order to protect someone who it turned out didn't need protecting.

He doesn't know about the fall from the pool and how she hit her head and was in the hospital when she should have been at home getting a good night's sleep the night before her college entrance exams.

He doesn't know about the contract she's locked into.

About the roofies, about Sangchul.

About how Shinae could have been assaulted, or how she could have died.

This is the most honest Nol has probably ever been with Dieter, with anyone but Shinae at this point, frankly, and unfortunately Dieter doesn't know anything, can't understand, but what he can see is that Nol means it. The fear on his face! He looks so childlike in how distressed and afraid he is!

When we really think about it, in Nol's eyes, it is about him. That he is a blight, a mistake who was never supposed to exist. That what happened to his mom was because of him, because he exists. Because he didn't treat her well. What happened to Shinae is because he took interest in her, because she meant something to him, and that wasn't acceptable. He believes harm comes to those he cares about, but in his view that's the extent of it. It's not that Yui is a monster, it's that she's a monster to him.

He doesn't have our objective knowledge. He doesn't know that Kousuke has been drugged and manipulated his whole life, that she drove that wedge between him and his father. He doesn't know that Yui invited Shinae to Kousuke's apartment and treated her inappropriately, tried to undress her, put her in Kousuke's clothes. Does he even really understand how Shinae wound up at the formal? That it wasn't about him at all - that Shinae was convinced Kousuke did something wrong by giving her a job she didn't deserve, that she had to attend the formal to "protect his job".

So to him, it's just because it's him. Because he cares. Because he is a mistake and doesn't deserve any of this, and that they are punished for him not knowing his place. His worries extend to Dieter and Soushi as well, because they are also people he cares about, and maybe the universe will harm them, too, to remind him of his place.

He doesn't know what he has to protect them from, just that he must.

One of these days, we are going to get flashbacks of what happened when Nol was taken away to Hirahara Memorial, and I'm not ready. The way he looks so small and childlike sitting there in his bed with all of his fear and distress, all of these feelings so knotted up inside. What did they do to him when he was in there? What did they say to him, that made him so deeply internalize this belief? Almost two years of being broken down, being convinced that the things that happen to those you care about are the direct result of you caring of your existence. And that's the most frustrating part about it - it's so deeply ingrained, so intricately woven into his psyche that he can't just change his way of thinking. It's going to be so difficult to undo that thinking!

Not that this is really new to us but, just getting to really mull over this is so heartbreaking. Nol is so terrified of losing her, that he's willing to lose her to protect her. He'd rather not have her at all if it will keep her safe, if it will protect her from harm, even though it's so clear that he wants the opposite. He cares so much and it makes him so very afraid. How does he live like that?! That constant battle of wanting vs what he fears, how he let them into his life and broke his rules and in his mind this has put them in danger.

"If you don't like seeing her hurt, it's in your best interest to keep her away from me!"

He really would rather be the one that hurts her to protect her than to take any chances and it just makes me feel SO EMOTIONAL. ;A; OKAY. Because what can you even do to help him? He is so..... I don't like it when people say the word broken, because it often feels low-key like they mean someone is too traumatized to ever be "repaired" but when I say Nol is so broken, I mean that he has been put in situations that have damaged his self-view, that have damaged his psyche, that have altered the way he thinks and feels to such a degree that he is sitting here willing to hurt people in order to protect them, because he lives in this constant fear of unknown that he cannot predict. They took this vulnerable kid and put him through absolute HELL, they broke him and then they refused to put the pieces back together.

I hope that Dieter will talk to someone about it. Is it something he can talk about with Shinae? Can he pull together any clues? He's our most observant character, but does he know enough to start to grasp this very real fear that has gripped Nol? He was there at the arcade when Kousuke and Yui came to pick up Nol, when he reacted strangely to her being there, when he slapped away Kousuke's hand. Is that something that he'd remember, think is worth pursuing? And even if so, what can come of it? He looks genuinely worried and concerned, though, and I hope that something will be able to come of it, because I think even if he can't understand what Nol fears, he at least knows that to him it's very real.

Soushi's timing with the jello just.... KILLED me. KILLED ME what a time to interrupt ;______; How do you get back to that conversation?! And especially with Kousuke there now, it's effectively over. It just!!! LKFAFKJAJFKAKJFAJKFKJAF KLJAFKJAF AKJFKAJFKAFJKAF IT KILLS ME OKAY AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGH

And while I know very well that Kousuke is there with good intentions, that he looks so haunted standing in the hallway waiting for Nol, I can't help but feel a heavy curtain of foreboding coming down, because Kousuke comes in like an omen. Because things go bad when he shows up, even when he's not the one trying to stir things up. And frankly, I don't look forward to this, because I know whatever is going to go down is going to hurt! There's something so..... I guess bitter about Kousuke's very too little too late moment, how he has struggled all these years with how badly he wants Rand's love, how much he fears not being good enough, how terrified he was that Nol could have it and replace him, the guilt for destroying a young child who was never a real threat to him (even though Yui absolutely made him out as a real threat in Kousuke's mind). It's like... knowing that Kousuke is starting to unlock this, is starting to see the insidious underbelly, while knowing it's too late. Nol has wiped his hands of him. He literally nearly died as a result of what happened the night before and even if Kousuke is coming to reach out to him, or to confirm something, Nol has no reason to entertain him, to hep him.

I feel like we are very much seeing that table turn, the role reversal. We're going to watch Kousuke fall apart, trying his best to hold himself together, with no one to turn to, no one he can actually trust, his paranoia eating him alive. It's not that I think anything heavy is going to go down as much as.... maybe we're going to watch Kousuke reach out to him, whether for help or to acknowledge something - that Nol, too, was drugged, that this must be why he hates tea so much, that so many times he ignored Nol's pleas for help - and Nol is probably going to reiterate how very done with him he is, that he wants nothing to do with him or this family any more, that he is done with them and what they've done to him. And just. AUGH ALKJAFKJJKFJKAF IT KILLS ME I'M SO EMOTIONAL I'M SO DISTRESSED BECAUSE WE KNOW WHY KOUSUKE WAS LIKE THAT WE KNOW HOW HE WAS MANIPULATED, HOW THE DRUGGING WAS USED TO ALTER HIS MEMORIES AND HOW HE RECALLED EVENTS HOW HE BELIEVES IN THIS FICTITIOUS VERSION OF NOL WHO WAS FORMED BY YUI'S WORDS AND IT KILLS ME BECAUSE NOL IS SO WELL WITHIN HIS RIGHT AND I JUST. TRAAAAAAGIIIIIIIIIIIIC SIIIIIIIIIBLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIINNNNGSSSSSSSSS ;A;

And things just always go south when Kousuke comes around. He puts Nol in a worse mood, he starts to act out more. We literally watched this kid jump off a fucking balcony into a pool below and revisit the last time he was at the bottom of a pool, contemplating never returning to the surface! THINGS NEVER GO WELL WHEN KOUSUKE IS INVOLVED AND I'M NERVOUS AND SCARED AND I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ;A;

At this point, I feel like everything really is up to Shinae at this point, because Nol is back to trying to rebuild his walls and put them up as high as he can, so ready to try to ignore these feelings, to play them off, to tell her that it probably means nothing, that he must just be acting this way because she's been nice when no one else has and if it was anyone else he'd probably feel the same way and GOD I am ready for her to go off on him. He all but told her to leave and come back when you know why you're fighting so hard for me, but I don't think he's actually PREPARED for her going back knowing her feelings, knowing what she wants.

Until now, there's always been a disadvantage between Shinae and Nol in their relationship, where he is always the one with the leg up, the one who knows more, the one who is making moves, the one who is in control of things. But I think we're going to see that change, based on her very feral way of fighting her feelings, how she was about to try to break down his door in order to continue their conversation, how agitated she is by the thought of him throwing her away.

It really does come down to her pure determination, and I'm fully expecting her to go in there and get into an argument with him lmao and frankly, I welcome it. I think that's the only way they're going to get anywhere. There's so many things they need to talk about, they need a heart to heart DESPERATELY but I don't think we're going to lead with it. I go back and forth on how I expect her to go, because she was SO READY to go back in and demand her things back "if I can't have you" (SCREAMING STILL) but now that she knows her feelings... will she? I hope she will, still. Because now it's almost worse, right? That he's taken all these things from her AND he still has a girlfriend AND he now has her heart? HOW IS THAT FAIR, GIVE IT BACK, GIVE BACK EVERYTHING!

I want them to argue because I think they're both a little more honest when they aren't thinking about what they're saying, when they let the hotheaded energy take over and words come out. Nol is probably going to play the "this probably doesn't even mean anything" game, the "this will probably pass and we'll both move on" game, the "maybe i'm just a selfish asshole friend and none of this means anything" game and Shinae is too hardheaded to let that slide.

I want her jealousy and insecurity to come out when Nol tries to shield himself with “I have a girlfriend” and I want her to remind him he said it was fake and he resents her. I want her to look him in the eye and ask if he can really throw it all away, if he wouldn’t have any regrets if he gave up and left her. I want him to fail to answer and instead tell her that maybe he can, who knows, maybe none of this is really real. And I want her to kiss him and prove to him how very real it is, how very much they both want it, and how very much they need each other.

And when she pulls away he can lean in, following her, pulling her back in, his brain off because god knows the moment her mouth touches his it's all over, he's melting, his resolve is crumbling and he's going all in, pulling her against him fingers in her hair mouth crashing back on hers so hungry so touch-starved so full of want.

They can talk about everything else once she's convinced him this isn't so fleeting. She can remind him what she already said, that she deserves a choice in this matter, that leaving doesn't change anything because she still works for the company she's still under contract and now there's more she can tell him - how Yui made her an offer that would essentially tether her to them, how Rand told her to take it that he says Yui will never let her go. That it was not about him that Yui is a witch, tell him about Kousuke's birthday, tell him about the way she got tricked, tell him about the things she tried to do to her.

I've already acknowledged that nothing can undo the years of damage that was done to Nol in the hospital and through years of abuse, but I think Shinae can, at the very least, make him see that she very much is just as trapped, that she's worse off if he leaves, that together they are so much stronger, that they don't have to endure this alone. He can tell her how scared he is and she can stroke his hair and reassure him the best she can that he's allowed to be scared in front of her that she feels scared, too, but maybe she's more afraid of losing someone who means so much to her, who is literally the reason she's gotten through everything she did. That maybe he thinks he's a monster but she's something else in him, that he is the sole reason she could endure that harrowing night.

I WANT THEM TO HAVE AN HONEST HEART TO HEART SO BADLY. I feel like we MUST be going that direction. There's been too much build up not to. As Lil Anon put it, ILY has never been quick to reward, and we must go through the ups and downs to get there. We've had this moment dangled in front of us for so long but we're not getting it easy. But we can see it in the narrative - the emphasis on their mutually realized feelings, that Nol was given that 3 day extension that leads so close to Christmas, the emphasis on her mouth, that these feelings happened before he went to jail. If there wasn't going to be a resolution, NONE of this would have needed to happen, especially not the 3 day extension. Quimchee is absolutely drawing this out - and not even in the "putting up pointless obstacles just to draw it out" kind of way but in the "you are going to be so satisfied when we get there" kind of way lol. It's just so easy to get spooked because that's what the writing is doing! That's tension, baby.

Hopeful optimism is always my downfall lmao but I just feel like we ARE going to have that resolution, that even if there's no relationship at this time, they will know where they stand, that she can convince him not to push her away, that they are too important to give each other up. Whatever he's afraid of, they can brave it together! I WANT IT AND I FEEL LIKE IT'S SO CLOSE OKAY AND I'MA FLKJAFLKJAF AFLKJAFLKJAFKLA FLKJAFLAKJFLKAFJLAFKAFKLAFJAFKJFKAA

We were given two small asides about Nol's phone and the Bible, and I wonder if we'll be seeing those play out the 22nd. The phone is obviously coming in Kousuke's visit next week, but I wonder: does it even work anymore after everything that happened? It was still working after the pool fall, which feels like a miracle, but after falling from the second floor, after getting slammed around in the snow, now covered in blood, will it still be able to turn back on?! lmao I'm not sure what to make yet of Alyssa's messages left hanging like that, especially after walking "into the light" with Gun. There's the fact that she's off to some schedule, so could there be a chance for those dating rumors to come up that she has to strike down? On the one hand, they feel like they could be left hanging, which kind of feels so symbolic of their whole relationship lmao but. IDK!!!! At the very least it probably needs a charge LMAO but idk idk this is the area I get murky because I think it can go so many ways. I don't think Nol has any intention of breaking up with her at this time, especially because he'll probably try to use it as a shield against Shinae, but.... I've always felt the break up would come from her due to dating rumors. Especially because of how bad his reputation is at this point (violence, roofies which makes it sound like he sexually assaults people) it would be EASY for Alyssa's agency to spin it and make it sound like indeed, she does not have a relationship with him and in fact he has frightened her or something. They were even in public at the Christmas party arguing even on the dance floor, before what happened later so. Idk SOMETHING will come of that, I'm sure.

But I'm also hoping referencing the Bible means that maybe he will find it when everyone else has left and he's bored - especially if his phone won't turn on - and take a look at the letters Shinae mentioned, since he only thought there was the one.

This is really important to me, because I need Nol so badly to see how he stands in the same place his father did. I want him to be able to better understand his parents - how his mom stayed clinging to a married man who she could not really be with, how she uprooted her child and herself to move closer to him. How she tried over and over to be there for him, to try to support him, and Rand didn't allow it. How unlike Rand, Nol has less to lose. He isn't married, he doesn't have a child, a family. He doesn't NEED to stay in a relationship that will only suffocate him, that will turn him into a hollow husk of a man like Rand did. I NEED him to realize that he is on a fast track of following in his father's footsteps, in becoming this empty meaningless man.

I want him to see how Rand's feelings for Nessa never went away. Even after she died, he still carried her around in that Bible. In her letters, in the photograph of Nol. He carried her around because he never got over her. And is Nol prepared to live that way?

This is also why I'm perfectly fine with Nol and Shinae kissing before he and Alyssa break up, because I think it would help him better understand his parents - how Rand had a duty to his marriage, but he fell in love with someone who actually meant something, and how she was the love of his life that he never got over. To understand how his mom could be with someone who was married. For him to understand that feelings are NOT logical, that you can't really control them. He never meant to develop feelings for the girl his friend likes - but it still happened.

Maybe if Nol can understand them, it will help him forgive them a little, give him a tiny bit of peace. And hopefully help him to make the right decision, to accept the love people give him, and to face his fears together with them.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[elliotthaunted]

Just got back from camp and that shit was BIZARRE.

So much fucking drama omg.

So storytime!!

Disclaimer: I doubt anyone will read this, I just wanted to vent.

So camp....

I was in a bunk with nine other boys and two counselors.

One of the boys, who we'll call "L" was a entitled white straight dude whose entire sense of humor was really fucked up jokes.

My and another guy in my cabin (I'll call him "A") became close friends, we hung out all the time. We were both gay so L started making jokes about us fucking eachother and stuff. Soon some of the other guys in the bunk were making those jokes too.

We complained about it which caused them to get mad at us. Eventually one of them stabbed A's notebook with a pair of scissors, making the both of us feel threatened. After that a head counselor had a long talk with them and things calmed down a bit. Though they were all still obnoxious.

While all this was happening I made friends with a kid I'll call R. R seemed nice, they were somewhat loud and talked a lot but I figured that was just their personality. One night they run out of their bunk crying telling me and A that some of the girls in their bunk where hunting them down and trying to fight them (which was true. But what I didn't know at the time is that they probably incited it.) Long story short, the girls bunk got into a huge argument involving R. (I won't get into the details but it was BAD.) The camp decided to split the bunk into two bunks to try and calm the argument. I was still R's friend at the time so I was on their side. Which caused me and some of my friends to be hated by some of those girls. Basically the fighting reached a level that was absolutely insane. With ear splitting screaming matches and violent threats. (The bunk splitting had really not worked) we could hear it all since they were only a thin wall apart from us.

One of our counselors tried to get involved but anger got the best of him and he ended up cursing at one of the girls causing him to be fired and leaving the boy's bunk with only one counselor.

Eventually some of the girls grew tired of the drama and went home. Making the situation a little less intense. That's when I started noticing some things about R. First off they always wanted to talk about the situation. Spiralling and spiralling untill I could barely hear the words "bunk 23" without cringing. Secondly, they kept trying to cause more drama, always coming to us at lunch with a bunch of "he said she said" and accusing people of random things. This is when I started suspecting that they might not have been the target of the girls' anger for no reason.

I tried to mostly ignore the stuff they were saying, not feed into it, and discourage them when they suggested confronting the girls again. This weird in-between stage took us almost to the end of camp.

One night we decided to play truth or dare. R predictably asked me if I had a crush at camp. Not wanting to lie i gave them a few hints and they easily figured out who the guy was. Not too worried about it I asked them to please not tell him and they laughingly agreed.

The next day I was at an event at the camp pool, just hanging talking to R trying to not stare too much at the guy I liked. Eventually R starts laughing and stuff and tells me that my crush "accidently" found out I liked him. I blew up at them, seeing right through their lie and to the fact that they obviously told him. At that moment I realized how toxic R was and how they really didn't care about anyone's feelings. Just wanted to cause drama. I told them I was fucking mad and that I didn't want to talk to them. I completely ignored them after that. I don't fuck with people who betray my trust.

I started sitting at a different table at meals and made friends with some actually decent people. At one point my crush confronted me. Telling me he didn't feel the same but he still wanted to be friends, basically letting me down easy. We all agreed that R was the real problem in this and I felt stupid about not seeing it sooner. At the end of camp I felt significantly more happy with my new group of friends (though quite embarrassed about being rejected.) And camp ended on an alright note.

The end??

I still can't believe that all happened

[katberk]

Headcannons for a Deaf Reader Part 2

💚Dream💚

💚This man would already know a lot of sign language

💚’Asking’ you if you need anything before he streams/records a video

💚He doesn’t mind if you hang out in his room with him (no face cam=cuddles)

💚Tea kettle laugh is definitely a must so once again your dream is to hear that laugh (I mean like who doesn’t!)

💚Getting into fights he sometimes forgets to sign, also when he does it’s probably to fast to even comprehend

💚George and Sapnap being the absolute best people

💚Drista days! (She really cares about you and you teach her sign everyday for a class)

💚Drista thinks that you’re the best thing to happen to her brother

💚Cuddles and snuggles and just soft Dream

💚Protecting you no matter what

💚Kisses before and after long streams (he lets you sit on his lap though so...A LOT OF KISSES FROM THIS MAN)

💚Patches always on your lap

💚Dream doesn’t really see any problem with signing all the time! He actually thinks it’s pretty fun

💚Thank god you can’t hear him scream at the top of his lungs when something doesn’t go his way

💚Kinda on the idea for you to participate in the war

💚Calming him down when he gets accused for staging his videos

💚This man is Robin hood! Stealing your heart the first time you two made eye contact

💚’Why do you think I’m Robin hood?!’

💚’Because you stole my heart! You’re the thief that I fell in love with silly!’

💚Love him like he loves you

💙GeorgeNotFound💙

💙This man is SUPER soft for you

💙Sleepy cuddles all day

💙Rarely fight with each other

💙If you do fight it’ll be for petty reasons

💙Like Dream he probably knows a lot of sign already, but he needs a refresher

💙His voice is already soft so hopefully one day you’ll be able to hear his voice

💙’I love you’s’ back and forth

💙Sometimes he gets confused with some stuff you teach him so it’s a pretty slow ‘class’

💙He talks to you about his colorblindness while you explain more about being deaf

💙quite mornings

💙He’s your little magic boy

💙Building that little mushroom house with you while the war was ablaze definitely happened

💙You guys probably argued a lot over which wood to use or where an item should go

💙He lost after you slammed yourself on him and started squeezing him to death

💙’I believe we should have dark oak Y/N!’

💙’I think spruce would look a lot better!’

💙’Spruce?! Are you insane!’

💙’Yes Gogy....now drop the dark oak planks’

💙”Help chat....please”

💙You won btw

♥️Sapnap♥️

♥️I can see Sapnap over exaggerating his hand movements

♥️Hugs and soft pecks on stream (If the relationship is out)

♥️During fights his hand movements definitely do something

♥️Apologizes super fast (comprehending it is again super difficult)

♥️I can see him brag to everyone about you (he’s just that kind of man)

♥️You want cuddles now?! Well grab those blankets and pillows because he’s gonna probably kill you with love

♥️Dream is to definitely hear this man’s voice (I don’t really have to explain why)

♥️Is he your knight in shinning amour?! YES

♥️Doesn’t care if you’re deaf or not

♥️Lilly would always be on your lap purring so you would feel the vibrations

♥️The man is soft, but strong

♥️He’ll protect you with his life

♥️Again kinda glad you can’t hear him scream in fear/anger when he’s doing a video/stream

♥️Everyone gets hate so comforting each other is very important in this relationship (I don’t understand why people hate on Sapnap?!)

♥️Sometimes he forgets that your deaf and whispers “I love you” or “good morning/good-night” (😂🥰)

♥️Jokes all around

♥️Shows you around the SMP with signs (yes, he would do that)

♥️*Welcome to the SMP Y/N*

♥️’Why are you writing on a sign?!’

♥️*I don’t wanna take my hands off the keyboard*

🌼Wilbur Soot🌼

🌼Already knows sign language

🌼 Still asks you to teach him

🌼Makes you feel his guitar when he plays so you can feel the vibrations

🌼Nice streams with jokes and laughs

🌼Definitely dreams to hear his singing

🌼Calm days

🌼Singing on stream

🌼Tommy being annoying to both of you

🌼Making a cute house where both of you would live with signs that have quotes

🌼Having a great time ‘talking to you’

🌼Walks on the beach where he describes the sounds to you 🥺

🌼Sad that you can’t hear music

🌼SOFT BOY

🌼Tries to make you as comfortable as he can

🌼You guys don’t really get into fights, but when you do it’s pretty hard (Don’t worry though)

🌼Glad to learn about this disability so he can help and understand more

🌼I can imagine you putting your fingers on his throat to feel the vibrations (closest thing to this man’s BEAUTIFUL voice)

🌼’What are you doing?!’

🌼‘’Listening’ to music’

🌼”Smart Y/N....smart”

💜Quackity💜

💜He’s pretty decent at sign

💜You can’t stop me from thinking that he’ll ask for you to sign bad words for him 🥺

💜I see him joking about it, but not to the extent of being hurtful

💜Chat loving you and believing that you two being together would be the end of the world

💜Chaos

💜Just like Wilbur I can see him putting your hand on his guitar to feel the vibrations

💜Fights would probably have one person speaking angry Spanish and the other doing some angry sign language (😂)

💜His laugh, voice, singing! (I would miss this so much)

💜Karl being your best friend (Karl is just so wholesome)

💜Watching Mexican Soap Operas

💜Him translating for his chat and signing to you at the same time (stupid sub titles)

💜Always seen with him and vice versa

💜Jackbox is chaotic (All of his videos with him are chaotic)

💜When you guys are together in Minecraft....no one’s safe

💜Late night talks

💜He believes that you’re the best thing that has ever happened to him

💜”Yo Mamacita!”

💜’You said something?!’

💜’oops! Sorry, no’

💜ME PERDONAS

Hope you guys enjoy! This took awhile lol



[hailbop1701]

Chapter Three: An Explosively Good Time

Chapter three guys! I'm both nervous and excited for you all to read it. It's pretty long and we delve a bit deeper into the story. Kirk wants answers and Bones needs a new shirt. 👀 Well, I don't want to give anything away. I truly hope you all like it! Thank you to my wonderful beta reader @dw-writes. You're amazing doll!

The tram slowed to a smooth stop, John lifted his weapon just as the doors opened. He swept the area with Beckworth on his left. Nodding to the security officer, John moved forward making sure Kirk and Chekov were just behind him. Taking up the rear of the group were Lawrence and Bitar, bickering all the while. Rolling his eyes, John squared his shoulders as he led the group into the residential area. The double doors hissed open to reveal a courtyard and John couldn’t help but appreciate how real it truly looked. Cobblestones, rich green plants, a running fountain, and automated birds chirping happily.

Beckworth let out a low whistle from beside him, “Fancy digs,” he murmured with an amused smirk. John stopped, listening for any possible threats that could be hiding in the area. Nothing. Just the hum of the base and the bubble of the fountain in front of them. It was way too quiet and peaceful for his comfort.

Jim moved so he was standing on his other side. “I don’t like it,” the Captain whispered to him.

John hummed in agreement, something didn’t feel right. He almost let out a snort. ‘Nothing about any of this feels right,’ he thought. The hair on his neck stood on end. John scanned the area again, only this time he eyed the plant life and the cobblestones. All of this said “TRAP”

Lawrence walked forward, his gaze on the plant life all around them instead of what was right in front of his nose.

Spotting what he was looking for, John hissed and was behind the young man within seconds, he grabbed the kid’s vest and yanked him back.

Lawrence yelped as he fell onto his ass, “What the-”

John held up a hand to silence gasps and yells of surprise. He then pointed at a thin fine wire mere inches away from where the security officer had been standing.

“Shit,” Beckworth grumbled crouching down to get a better look at the “Booby trap.”

“Holy crap, thanks Doc.” Lawrence gasped out as he scrambled to his feet again.

Bitar rolled her eyes. Reaching up, she gave Lawrence a swift smack upside the head. The action started a whole new bickering match.

John sighed, gesturing for the others to follow him and move out of the way. Pulling a knife from his boot, he gently tossed it up into the air before catching it nimbly by the blade. With a quick flick of the wrist, the knife shot from his hand. Spinning in the air a couple of times, the blade sliced through the wire before embedding itself into the cobblestone. Cocking his head to the side, he heard a mechanism click. Chekov let out a startled squeal as a haphazard metal spike trap sprung from the bushes and trees. Grunting, John strode forward, he examined the trap with a deep frown.

“Used pretty recently,” he muttered, touching one of the spikes. He showed his fingers to the group, “Fresh blood, and someone had to have reset it.” He wiped his hand on his pants.

Kirk furrowed his brow in confusion. “Do you think that means we’re not the only ones surviving here?” he asked, sounding hopeful.

John jerked his knife free from the path. He grimaced at his friend. “Honestly? It could go either way,”

Jim wasn’t the only one looking at him with a confused expression. Sighing John fiddled with the knife in his hands. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, trying to come up with the right words. He really didn’t want to give his best friend any more bad news. Sheathing the knife back in his boot, John pulled his tricorder free. Scanning the blood he began to explain. “This stuff can really mess with your head, and I’m not just talking about C-24 fucking with your DNA. Being hunted by monsters with an extreme possibility of never making it out, and a chance that you’d turn into something that is worse than death...well, I’ve seen highly trained and skilled men crack. Go insane and beyond reason.” He paused as the scanner chimed with the results that he wanted. Turning the device around so the screen faced the group in front of him. Chekov’s mouth dropped open in shock, he looked at John with horror in his eyes. John continued, “The blood has no trace of C-24 or any sick and twisted variation. It’s completely human…” He paused glancing at the screen again, “And Andorian, and Vulcan,”

Kirk choked for a second, “So you’re telling me that the trap was made by a living person and they’re killing other living people?”

John put the tricorder away, “That’s exactly what I’m telling you.”

Chekov took a shuddering breath, while Kirk just set his jaw. “So we’re being hunted on two fronts,” the Captain sighed, running a hand messily through his hair. Beckworth’s eyes darted around the peaceful courtyard with a healthy dose of paranoia. His younger security officers ceased their quiet bickering and pulled out their phasers, ready for a surprise attack.

Reaper clenched his jaw and tensed. The hair on the back of his neck and his arms stood straight up. They were being watched, and not just by the cameras, but by a live body. He could hear their heartbeat thudding deeply in their chest. In his periphery, John saw a shadow on the second story landing.

Jim Kirk knew Leonard McCoy. Even though he may not have known as much as he originally thought. So when Bones - Reaper- tensed, he knew something was wrong. “Bones…” Jim prompted, trying to keep as casual as possible. The man tilted his head to the left; a subtle gesture but Kirk got what his CMO was trying to say: “Someone is watching”

Out of the corner of his eye, John watched as a shadow quickly disappeared. The sound of muffled hurried footsteps echoed in his ears. “Beckworth,” his voice carried no southern drawl but reverberated with authority. Beckworth couldn’t help but stand up straighter. In fact, everyone stood up a bit straighter, even the Captain.

“Yes, sir?”

“Get everyone to the third floor, there’s a bridge up there that attaches to the rest of the shopping district.” His orders were clear and without room for argument. Jim opened his mouth to protest but Chekov beat him to it.

“But what about you?” he asked, eyes wide.

John couldn’t help but smirk at the young navigator. With a half-hearted shrug, he turned to look at the second-floor balcony. “I’m gonna go say hello to the locals,” he muttered while moving off. The rest of the away team watched slack-jawed as Reaper bounded up onto a nearby chair, and table before he lept up, catching hold of a stone carving halfway to the second floor.

“Jesus, McCoy!” Beckworth called out with a short hysterical laugh.

John easily clambered up to the second floor. Swinging himself up onto the metal banister, Reaper sat and appraised his surroundings. From this vantage point, he saw a lot more, he couldn’t decide if his new view was a good thing or not.

The courtyard was clean at first glance, but from where he was John saw the gore underneath all the beauty. There were multiple bodies hidden in the garden, blood tainted the fountain and coated the walls surrounding him. Frowning, John leaned back on the banister to look down the long hallway. He was being watched again. Glancing down, he saw that the group was making their way through to the stairs. Nodding in approval, John rolled off of the banister onto the dirty corridor floor. A long blue - or what used to be blue carpet was covered in blood and torn to shreds - lined the hall. If John could hazard a guess, he had a faint idea of what wandered through. ‘ Damn Hell Knights,’ he thought darkly.

Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, Reaper let his surroundings disappear for a moment. He could hear the base thrum under his feet, but it was growing faint; they were on the clock. The heartbeats of the rest of the away team thudded steadily, some rapid in fear, some in calm easy thuds. Then there was what was a lot closer. Running footsteps, and labored breathing. It was heading straight for him. John sighed sadly; this wasn’t going to end well.

Cracking his neck and rolling his shoulders, John opened his eyes just as a blur of a man jumped at him. Quickly stepping to the side, John saw what had been killing everything and anything. The man was ragged like he had been surviving in this hell hole for quite some time. His hair was long and matted, full of knots, and coated in many different substances. His clothes were ripped and repaired and ripped again. Reaper wrinkled his nose, pitty filling his gut.

‘Poor bastard,’ was all that ran through his mind as the cracked man screamed at him, pouncing again. John leaned back, holding up his arm, only noticing the makeshift knife at the last second. Letting out a string of curses, Reaper kicked away the madman and looked at the shank sticking out of his arm with an annoyed expression.

“God fucking damnit!” he hissed, yanking the blade out of his forearm.

The man he had batted away looked at John in pure terror. “Demon!” the man shrieked, pointing at John with an accusing finger. Rolling his eyes, Reaper tossed the knife away over the side of the nearby banister. He could hear it clunk against a mass of water as it landed in the fountain.

“You’re not the first to call me that, and you’re sure as hell won’t be the last,” he drawled to the man, who was scurrying backward away from John as fast as he possibly could. John held up his hand peacefully, “Easy now, I’m not gonna touch you.”

The ragged man stopped his scuttling and paused. He looked visibly confused. “You’re not- who are you?” he asked, voice raspy and raw.

Reaper chewed on the inside of his cheek; Jim called it his nervous tick. “My name is Doctor Leonard McCoy, I arrived on the USS Enterprise. My team and I are trapped here just like you,” he soothed trying to bring out the humanity in the man before him.

“Enterprise,” the man breathed eyes wide, his breathing quickened, almost panicked. “No, no, no,” The man shook his head in denial, he reared and screamed “No!” once more before he started laughing. It was hysterical and Reaper was now completely convinced that the guy was way too far gone.

John watched the man carefully, trying to figure out if he needed to be taken care of or just locked away in a closet until they could get back to the ship. But before the ex-privine could formulate a plan of action, the survivor abruptly stopped laughing, looking as serious as could be. “You’re the one she wants. Death himself.” The words were in a hissed whisper as if speaking any louder would bring forth the demons lurking in the shadows. John froze, body tense ready for an oncoming attack but none came. “You can’t run away from your past forever. If you do those around you are going to suffer and die.” With those final words, the man whirled around and sprinted at break-neck speed down the long hallway. “Face your past Grimm!” he hollered as he rounded a corner and was out of sight.

That was until John heard him let out a startled scream. To anyone else, it sounds as if a paint-filled balloon popped behind a closed door but, to Reaper, it sounded almost too familiar. During the third world war, John experienced a new form of suicide bombers. The bombs weren’t visible, you could almost never tell it was there until it was too late. “SCED” or “Subcutaneous Explosive Device.”

Reaper flinched at the memories that assaulted the forefront of his mind. During world war three John was not officially in the armed forces but had stepped in multiple times to help the wounded and civilians to safety. During that time he had seen and experienced firsthand what a “SCED” could do. Shaking his head, John moved cautiously forward and peered around the corner. John choked on his breath his eyes went wide,

“Shit,” he cursed, stepping out to take in the scene full on. The corridor was dripping and smoking. Blackened blood coated the walls and floor, parts of more than one person could be identified. What made John’s stomach churn and made his scientific mind curious was the fact that the blood was smoking. The man who had run from him was laid curled up on the floor, covered and burnt beyond recognition.

Kneeling down, John examined the man more closely: he was missing a couple of limbs and his face was stuck in a silent scream. ‘Burns aren’t consistent with an explosion,’ he thought with a furrowed brow. Cocking his head to the side, John sniffed the air and immediately sneezed. Wrinkling his nose, Reaper scowled. “Acid. It smells like fucking acid,” he muttered with a shake of his head. “What in the hell are these things mutating into?” he asked himself quietly as he slowly got back to his feet.

A low rumbling growl made John freeze and cautiously turn around. There stood a very large, incredibly fat infected not even ten feet away from him. Raising an eyebrow, John harrumphed, “Well, aren’t you all quiet-like. I’m impressed with you bein’ as big as you are.”

He had never seen an infected like this before; John fully just realized that he was in completely new territory. The demon snorted, seemingly unimpressed by Reaper. It stepped forward, its form expanding and gurgling as it went. Backing up, John reached and pulled his rifle from his back and took aim. The demon let out a blood-curdling scream as it expanded further, its skin pulled apart and cracked, revealing a glowing blackness underneath.

John fired just as the monster before him blew. The final thought that ran through his mind for quite some time was simple: “Fuck me,”

------------------oOo----------------

Sound was the first thing that came back to him. It wasn’t that spectacular if he were being honest. His head ached and the ringing in his ears was starting to piss him off. Groaning, John rolled to his side so he was sitting up on his elbow. His vision was blurry but was quickly clearing, and he grimaced as his surroundings came into focus. The area was worse off than before, the walls were practically melting and Reaper didn’t want to find out if this was going to cause a hull breach. Quickly pulling his rifle from under him - it was a miracle in itself that he managed to save it last second- and got to his feet, John stumbled down the corridor until he hit the stairwell. ‘Third floor,’ he thought numbly, he could faintly feel his burns and other fractures slowly knit back together. The healing process didn’t take long but it was damn uncomfortable. It felt as if his whole body had gone to sleep, the sensation of old TV static. It was always a painful experience.

Staggering up the stairs, John let out a sigh of relief as the numbness in his body began to fade. “ ‘bout fucking time!” he growled out as he made his way to the third floor. As soon as he was close enough for the sensor, the door hissed open.

Multiple cries of concern and joy filled his ears.

“Bones!”

“Doc!”

“Thank the Gods, we thought you were dead!”

And Chekov’s accented, “Doctor McCoy,” made him smile minutely.

Waving away whoever’s hand was trying to help him through the door, John straightened and cracked his back and neck. He looked closely at the group in front of him with a doctor’s eye before nodding satisfied.

Kirk coughed trying to cover a chuckle, “Ugh Bones, you uh need a new shirt,” he faked whispered, and pointed out the obvious.

Reaper rolled his eyes, “Oh gee Jim, I haven’t noticed,” he ground out.

The Captain scowled back half-heartedly but everyone could see his concern. “You okay?”

“I just got blown up by a fleshy acid bomb and I’m stuck in what has to be one of my worst nightmares. I’m - “ Reaper took a deep breath and shook his head. “I’m fuckin’ fantastic. This place should rate five stars, too bad Yelp is no longer a thing,” he muttered walking toward one of the residential quarters. Kirk grimaced at the blatant sarcasm, McCoy’s tone and quips were answer enough.

John squinted at the nameplate next to the door controls, his lip twitching in irritation. Sure, he was glad to see the away team unharmed, but the exploding demon really wrecked what was left of his day; though that wasn’t saying much.

“Well, Daniel Garrets, I hope you have a shirt my size,” John muttered punching the door just right. Bitar let out a soft curse from the group behind him as the door bent and caved in ever so slightly. Pushing his fingers into the small gap John yanked the door open easily. The door let out a shuddering groan as it was forced to roll on its track. Light from the corridor shown faintly into the dark room. Before anyone could go in, Reaper held up a halting hand and cocked his head to the side, listening. He breathed in deeply and all he could smell was must and dust.

Nothing had been in there for quite some time.

Moving in, John pulled his rifle around so it was aimed into the darkness; he’d rather be safe than sorry. Despite his gun being slightly melted it still worked perfectly fine. Reaper didn’t want to express it but he was rather impressed by how detailed the replica truly was.

Clearing the room, John waved the rest of the team in. John eyed down both sides of the hallway before he forced the door closed with a deafening squeal. Turning around, he saw that Chekov all but collapsed in a chair, his nose buried in a PADD. Jim paced the length of the room in deep thought, muttering to himself. The three from security were quietly talking about the best way to keep their captain and Chekov safe. John wasn’t the least bit offended that he was no longer included in that list. Though it did make him a bit sad, it was a step closer to leaving the Enterprise. To leaving his first home in a long, long time.

Sighing, Reaper shucked his rifle and his tattered shirt. Bare-chested he moved through the small room to the closet, silently praying that the man who had once lived there wore the same size. Opening the closet John frowned a little, not quite but close enough. Grabbing a simple black t-shirt from the hanger he pulled it over his head and rolled his shoulders so it fit on his frame better. Turning from the closet he moved into the bathroom.

Upon finding the sink, John started the tap and let the water run for a few seconds before ducking his head under the stream. Grumbling, he ran his hands through his hair trying his best to pull the matted blood and bone from the tresses. Lifting his head he saw Jim in the mirror. He was leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed, an almost unreadable expression on his face. He wanted answers now.

The shock of the reveal was wearing off and now Jim Kirk wasn’t going to hold back anymore. Veera’s dramatic reveal was something he didn’t want to believe but now he didn’t have a choice. Since the atrium, Jim has been in complete and utter denial. He had seen what his best friend could do, he had seen how different he was. Jim’s eyes flashed in the light, his jaw set. No more joking, no more keeping up his causal maverick front. He was pissed and McCoy - Grimm- was going to see it. But no matter who Bones was. He will always be Jim’s friend. He had already decided to hear the man out. To listen to what he had to say, to hear what’s true and what’s fiction.

Reaper hummed and jerked his head, inviting Kirk into the small space. Moving into the room, the starship captain kept silent waiting for his friend to talk. As he carefully thought over his words, John rummaged through the cabinets around him, after he found what he was looking for (an electric razor) he finally spoke.

“I told you the gist of what happened on Mars. Olduvai. It was an honest to god shit show, Jim. Eight fully trained specialized privines - eh private military contractors - were sent in to search for some scientists. Well, we sure as hell found them.” John let out a dark humorless laugh and shook his head. He was halfway done cutting down his hair, it was no longer messy but shortened and military. John swallowed hard, he looked just as he did when this all happened the first time.

Kirk thinned his lips as he let his friend search for the words he was looking for. Reaper brushed away the dirty hair from his shirt and clicked off the razor. He turned and leaned against the sink, crossing his arms he looked down at his boots.

“We found that the research up there wasn’t exactly kosher. They uncovered humanoid remains in the archeological dig and found that some of these remains had a synthetic chromosome. It made them superhuman. Faster, stronger, incredibly intelligent, and apparently live obscenely long lives. The Oldulvians ruined themselves and we almost followed in their footsteps more than once. They created a rudimentary transporter called the Ark and fled to Earth to escape themselves. You see, C-24 didn’t affect everyone the same way. There were some that turned into monsters.

My sister - Sam- who was an unwitting accomplice in all of this, had a theory that it only turned those with genes that had markers for insanity. She was actually the one who discovered that not everyone would turn into monsters. But, by that time, my CO had lost what was left of his sanity. He began to kill everyone whether they were infected or not, and at this point, some infected had gotten through the Ark and into the Earth facility. No matter how horrible it sounds, but we were lucky that the quarantine was still active at that time. A little over two hundred people died, men, women, and children, my unit included. Only Sam and I made it out.”

Kirk was smart enough to figure out this was a shortened account of events but it was enough for now. He nodded but frowned, “How did you get C-24?” he asked curiously.

John snorted, chuckling darkly. “Projectile weapons are a bitch kid. I got a damn ricochet in the gut. I was bleeding out and on my way to hell but my sister decided to take a gamble and inject my ass. Turns out she was right, but it had its consequences.” John ran a hand through his newly cut hair, a haunted look crossing his face. He looked up, “For what it’s worth Jim, I’m sorry.”

Kirk looked away his expression guarded. John knew he wasn’t going to get away cleanly but knowing the outcome of something didn’t make it hurt any less. His eyes were locked onto the floor, he was wound tighter than piano chords. He was expecting to be shouted at, told to go to hell. And he believed he deserves it.

“What can we expect here, Bones?”

John relaxed ever so slightly, shocked at Kirk’s tone. It showed less anger and frustration and more like his friend, John wasn’t forgiven yet but it was a start. He grumbled, “Well, we can expect strong ass monsters who want to either turn you or eat you. Other than that, I’m in new territory. This is completely new and, if I had a month, maybe I could tell you how much of a difference it is. The crazy pirate bitch changed things so much that it shouldn’t even be called C-24 anymore. Who knows what else is lurking out there.”

John could see how much Jim didn’t want to hear that by the set of his jaw.

“Keptin, Doctor!” Both men turned to face Chekov as he barreled into the small room holding up his PADD.

“What is it, Chekov?” Jim asked hopefully. The young man turned the PADD around and showed them a single dot on what appeared to be a map of Genesis.

“Sir, I managed to vind this under the station's jamming signal. It appears that there is another Starfleet officer trapped here! “

John and Kirk looked at each other, both were wondering if it could be a trap. “Is it just a signal or-”

Chekov was already shaking his head before Jim could finish. “No, there is a single message attached to the ping. It just says a name and some sort of code…” he trailed off as he tapped hurriedly at the screen. Turning the PADD around Chekov let the message play.

John felt his blood freeze.

“This is Layla Grimm, I’ve been compromised. Code: Ghost, I repeat - Code: Ghost! Run Uncle J-”

Reaper felt his knees buckle as screams filled the air of the bathroom. He faintly felt Jim grip his arm trying to keep him upright. His blood pulsed in his ears and all he could see was red. The look in John’s eyes made both Kirk and Pavel back up a step giving the CMO some space. John gritted his teeth breathing hard. “Where was that sent from?” his voice was sharp, making Jim wince.

Chekov cleared his throat as he looked down at the screen in his hands. “The medical wing sir,”

John looked at Kirk who just nodded in approval.

“Looks like we’re goin’ hunting.”

Tags:

Everything: @thottiewithashotgun, @lauraaan182, @writerdee1701, @stileslover13-blog, @cowenby2, @bluesclues-1234

Hollow Castle: @chook007, @lauranthalasah

[enigma-im]

Family Affairs

Rating: teen Relationship: Robot/Female!Human Warnings:

Word Count: 2,211

Tracey goes to a family reunion where someone let lose the secret of who she is dating.

Main story -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"yea, can't wait. Uh-huh, see you all Saturday. Love you too, bye," I press the red circle with too much ire to be comfortable. I sit back in my office chair, rubbing my eyes once I drop my phone to my lap. "Fuck," I shout," Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!" I let my hands drop to my thighs, staring up at the ceiling trying to think.

Lost in thought I don't hear the knocking at my door. It isn't till someone sets a hand on me that I notice. Startled, I jump, looking up at Daniel's also surprised face.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you, love," he hovers his hand over my shoulder. I stare from him to his arm then back again. When did he get in here?

"Oh, it's fine. I was just a bit lost in thought," I answer. I suck in a breath, sitting up to push away from my desk.

"What were you thinking about. Penny for your thoughts, if you will," he grins. My lip edges quirk as well. I stand and head out the room, Daniel following closely behind.

"Just dreading the family meet-up this weekend," I clarify. I head into the kitchen for a drink. Opening the fridge and grabbing a water. "They are always so…much? They are just difficult to be a part of," I take a sip," I'm just not a fan."

I rest against the island, watching Daniel for a moment. Looking at his screen, seeing how his mouth quirks to the side in thought.

"Why is it difficult? I thought family gatherings are something to enjoy," he asks with a head tilt. So adorable the way he gets curious about things. You can always know he is truly engaged in a conversation if he asks questions.

"they should be but younger vs older generations generally ruin these get-togethers. Older bashing the younger's choice in lifestyles while younger resent the older for ruining the world they are coming into. Lots of voiced opinions and politics," I answer. Which is true, I never enjoyed these kinds of things. Aunt Carol generally makes the gatherings fun but ever since she sent me Daniel she has only been interested in talking about that. 'How is he doing, are you treating him well?'' Does everything, ya know, work? ''You should bring him up to the house and let me see him again, how I miss him so.' I don't mind the questions, I get it, but I'd like to talk about other stuff.

"If you are so against it then why go?"

"because I have to. If I don’t then I will never hear the end of it," I answer. " 'where is Tracey? Probably off at work again, never gives us the time of day anymore since she graduated. I just don't understand that girl.'," I mock a elder voice," just a lot of that anytime I get a call. I just need to suck it up and go," I shrug. It’s a simple fact, a family isn't a must but having that kind of backup and community is important. I love them all dearly but I just want them to stop asking when I'm getting married and if I have a boyfriend. I cannot explain to everyone how I'm committed to a robot Aunt Carol made. That would be one hell of a mess.

I'm sure I'm just exaggerating

--------------------

I sit in my car fuming, gripping the steering wheel too tightly with the music mute. I'm too pissed to tolerate any noises at the moment. I go well over the speed limit as I rush home, wanting this day to be over more than anything.

My mind wonders to the moment I walked through the front door. The home was lovely, sitting on the coast of a lake of all places. It just screamed 'I'm rich'. The view makes the get together the more tolerable. Which wasn't enough in this case.

I was first greeted by cousin Sophia, the twenty-something artist of the family. Seeing her accusing face should have been a foreboding sign. Like a picket-sign at the entrance of a dark forest telling others to turn back now. As the main character of a horror movie, I thought nothing of it.

The second person who greets me is my grandmother, dressed to the nines. I go into her group of older women. She is passive in her conversation, hinting at something I'm not getting. She passes curious glances at me, acting like I'm supposed to get some kind of joke. Like an idiot, I think nothing of it.

The beginning of the party feels like all eyes are on me. Whispers behind my back along with snickering. It isn't until I walk in the middle of Aunt Carol's conversation that I get a clue.

She was in the middle of talking about her latest project. Offhandedly mentioning Daniel, making me stop instead of walking by. I stay behind her, listening as she backtracks and ends up bragging about her work on my boyfriend. I don't panic, sitting mostly at the edge of stress. She continues blabbering about the intricate work and how special his A.I. is. I stop breathing when she mentions his capacity for feelings. My stomach drops when she mentions me. Next, filling everyone in on my relationship with a robot, not making me look good at all.

Now knowing why everyone was laughing behind my back, the party gets all the more devastating. I try to rough it out, having only snide comments. I can do this, it's fine.

I was an idiot. Like the dumb blonde in a slasher running up the stairs instead of out the door.

It starts small. Someone asks a question about relationships, curious about a boyfriend I have. Then its like a snowball down a steep mountain. Things go from passive to straight-up vulgar. I couldn't take it.

Thinking back, I dig my nails into the steering wheel cover. The perverts that I'm related to are insane! The blatant disrespect and ignorance were not only hurtful but rage-inducing.

I scratch the bottom of my bumper as I speed into the driveway. I throw the car in park and shove the seatbelt off. I grumble to myself as I storm up the walkway and into the house. Slamming the door behind myself I just barely see Daniel out the corner of my eye.

"Tracey? You are home early," he greets with a smile till I throw the keys into the bowl with too much force. "You ok," he asks, keeping wide breath. He knows from my work tantrums to give me a wide range less he wants to be the target of my ire.

I give him an off glance but storm into the kitchen to grab some leftover pie Daniel made. I grab the whole tin and bring it into the living room to devour. I sit on the couch with a huff and shove piles of pie into my mouth. I sneer at the wall as I chew, not even caring about the crumb falling onto my dress.

Daniel hesitantly walks in and sits on the chair diagonally from me. He fiddles with his fingers, perhaps waiting for me to speak. As I continue forcing more food down my throat he talks instead.

"you look lovely in your sundress," he compliments.

"Fucking Carol," I throw the fork onto the mostly finished pie tin, startling Daniel as I do, "I cannot believe her! You would think her of all people would know to keep her mouth shut but nooo~, she too damn proud of herself. She had to pat herself on the back and tell fucking everyone!." I toss the tin onto the coffee table, crossing my arms as I shake my head.

"What did Carol say," he asks worriedly. I finally look at Daniel, taking in his robotic form. Looking at every wire, screw, light, and hard plastic cover.

"She told everyone about you. Told everyone about her 'wonderful creation that is living with Tracey'," I nearly shout. His animated brows furrow, cocking his head at me.

"Does that bother you that Carol told people about me?" he looks almost offended now.

"I'm not mad about you but what she said about you. She apparently let it drop that I was 'involved' with you. Which led to a bunch of snarky comments and inappropriate questions all through lunch."

"Like what," he asks.

"'Couldn't find a real man, huh? Just had to build one?' 'You do know sex toys aren't people, right?' 'so stuck in her work that she married it, how funny.' Then my favorite from cousin Ethan, 'Do you think I could borrow him for myself? Must be one hell of a lay if you're developing feelings for it.'. Just the most disrespectful shit! Then what could I say? I couldn't be like 'no, it's not like that. He is practically human.' no one would have believed me, just consider me insane," I rant. I'm ready to blow a gasket just remembering the most embarrassing lunch I've ever been to. I even had relatives offering to set me up with their coworker's sons or friends. Like, holy hell!

As I'm stewing in my own anger I don’t notice Daniel folding into himself. I curiously look him over, noticing the most human gestures. He is holding his elbows, tilting his head away, and projecting a worried look on his screen.

"Daniel," I ask softer than I've been all day," you ok?" he glances up at me for a moment, turning back down to the floor.

"Do you wish you had something more real? A human boyfriend instead of me," he asks. His words twists my heart.

"Of course not," I answer. The question, to me, sounds absurd. At first I had the same idea, not till I got to know him did it no longer bother me.

"But," he hesitates," you can't take me out to places. Can't do all the social things like take couples photos with me or meet the family." he picks at the plastic on his arm, his fingers taping with soft clicks. His shoulders slump before he speaks again, breaking my heart even more. "I'm not," he pauses," real."

I watch him dumbfounded. I haven't thought of his insecurities, not even thinking he had any. He has always been so confident, even when he first got here he held himself with firmness.

I stand from the couch, and walk to him. I know just answering won't be enough. His animated eyes follow me, looking up with his head tilted back. I reach out and cup his face with both hands. I can feel the slight warmth radiating from his screen, nearly smiling as he nuzzles his face to my palm.

"Daniel," I start," There is nothing more real or loved than you. I would rather spend the rest of my time with you than have to tolerate a single conversation with another human. Don't you even doubt for a second that I would want some lousy man over everything you have to offer. I love you, and not because I think you are something that you aren't. I love my sexy robot boyfriend." I lean down, pressing my forehead to his. I watch as his eyes seemingly twinkle with admiration. His arms unfold and pull me closer, guiding my legs around his so I can settle on his lap.

"Thank you, Tracey," he just barely whispers. I lean down and press a kiss to his cheek, running my fingers down to his neck to hold his wires. He does his own form of a kiss, rubbing his screen to my forehead. I rest my head on his shoulder, fiddling with his cords between my fingers. I press short kisses to his screen, knowing he enjoys them so.

"Besides," I chuckle," I don't think normal men can turn into a vibrator." he sits up, leaning back to look down at me. He wears an amused but shocked face.

"Tracey, am I just a sex toy to you," he pretends offense," I say, perhaps your cousin Ethan will cherish me more than you are."

I bark out a laugh," shut up. He isn't allowed to have you." I continue chuckling as he rubs his screen to my cheek, groping my hips as he does.

"And no one is allowed to have you," he purrs. I pet along his head, clenching my thighs around his.

"I like it when you get possessive," I grin. He watches me from the corner of his eyes.

"And I like it when you grind into my lap," he pushes my hips into his. I playful swat as his hands, more content at sitting here for a moment longer. He catches on and sits back on the chair, pulling me close to lay against his chest.

We sit there in comfortable silence, holding each other. He pets along my back, tracing his fingers on the part of my spine open to the air. I run my nails over his chest, scratching at the plastic.

"I'm sorry you had a bad day with your family," he breaks the silence.

"meh, at least I have a great boyfriend to make it all better," I smile up at him. He grins back, leaning down for a kiss. Screen meets lips in a heartwarming embrace.

"Love you," he mumbles against me.

"love you too," I answer back.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Someone on my Archive asked for another Tracey and Daniel story. so while babysitting a child who bit me, i wrote this short story.

Check out my Archive | Masterlist | Main blog

[camphorror]

the only friend who i coul talk about this stuff isnt really interested in talking about me anymore so im just going to type all this overhsaring cap while trying to calm down from crying for 30 minuets an throwing up from the crying

i have an :::aunt”” who hates me because she is literally a raicst who stopped talking to my mother when she decided to marry someone who isnt from the same ethnicity as her and then of course she hates me for being a tainted person for his horrible offense!! i never really knew her she neve rinvited us to birthdays or anything she did at her house with her evil daughters and we did invite them for birthdays because i just very much remember not understanding why she is so distant (compared to my “”normal”” aunt) and just always wanted her to like me up until i grew up old enough to understand why it was that they ere all like this

now fucking 7 YEARS ago  was at my grandmas and i was looking at old photos and back then i was very much into ww2 and like 30s-40s time period in europe and all and i was fascinated by all the old photos she had and she allowed me to take a lot of old photos some she wanted me to bring back so i just scanned them and brought them back and some she just let me have i swear to god she let me have them some were of people she didnt know she didnt let me have any of her old photos besides the ones that had 2 copies but she pm let me have all of my grandfather’s (who i have never met) photos from the 30s-40s and these photos were my favourite ting in the world i usedto go over them once every month since fucking 2014 to see if they ware ok i recently planned to try and get an album for them bc i dont think it’s kept well in a box if you ask every close friends i have how many times i told them want to see something cool and showed them these photos i love these photos with all of my heart and they fascinate me i even wanted to san all of them and try to find maybe some site or subreddit that can help me translate some of the writings on the back of some of them as idk what language it even is and it’s all in cursive. not once in the past 7 fucking years (ok actually once but it wasnt here it as my evil aunt) did my grandma ever ask me for these photos because she kne wi have them and i keep them and i cherise them 

then suddenly last week when my supposedly normal aunt wwas here because my scumbag aunt visited my grandma when she had fucking pneumonia and my grandma got sick and she’s generally been like weird mentally lately like she’s not 100% in the moment. anyway they were both at her house when she was sick and suddenly suddenly my supposedly normal aunt claims that my grandma wants all the photos back. but does she say it herself? no. my aunt tells it to my mother.i got pissed pff and offended that she didnt call me. i am not a child. after some insufferable back and forth my grandma says she just wants the photos she’s in. ok. whatever. my aunt says she’ll go get copies of them and bring me back i dont care. then suddrnly when i went there to give it to them my aunt asks me if i have more photos and i like yes sure i have [everything i mentioned above] she flis out like i didnt know youhave them give them to me i didn’t know it i will copy of all of them!! like ok first of all not my fault you didnt know you live in almost the other side of the country sincr 2010 youre not suopposed to know that i took photos 7 years ago. notlike i have to share every detail. second of all i liteally did tell her something about this once. ok i tell her i will give her all the photos before she goes home she has a friend who works at a photogrhy store who can copy them for cheap.

so now i know the reason this is happening is bascially my “normal” aunt and ym evil aunt literally manipulate my grandma into caring about these stuff because i know the thing here. THE CRIME here is that my evil aunt does not have these photos. i know she wants them, the reason i took them 7 years ago is that i knew there was no way on earth my mother would have these at any point and i just decided i want them (and my grandmother ALLOWED ME). but whatever. copy the photos have it your way i dont care

now my aunt came to take them todaynd i told her when she called “you  are giving me back the original photos i got them 7 years ago it’s not fair to take them” she says ok. i meet her downstairs and i chat to her and i tell her again “really you give me back the original photos ok” and suddenly when she physically has them iin her hand she says no!!! i will give you back the copies!! i say no youre lying i wouldnt have given shit if i knew you’d do this. she starts making excuses about how they need to have the originals because what f they’d want to give it to a fucking holocaust msueusm. i tell ehr why on earth give a meuseum original photos give them the copies. she says no and i was tired and irritated and i just told her whatever she got what she wants by lying so i dont care anymore. and i left her in the street and went home. i lost it on the way it happened an hour ago and im still crying. i cant believe this shit happened. these photos were mayb one of the most important things in my life. i just cried annd cried and lost it and lost my cool and started screaming and hitting everything. i tried calling her telling her it’s not fair she lied to me why is she doing this. i got sick of playing stupid and i said i know they only did this because they want my other aunt to have the photos. she then accused me (and my mother) of being the liars who took the photos and never said i had them (what the fuck?) and then lying saying we don’t have more (literally not true) and then she called me A CRAZY INSANE PERSON for crying and freaking out and telling her i know why all this shit is happening. and she said she doesnt want to talk to me becaus ei’m crazy and she hung up. i literally fell down crying and threw up and hit myself for being so stupid. i now understand why she wanted ALL the photos. including those of random who no one knows. because they just want them to have it.

i know my grandma doesnt love me as much as she loves them. my grandma also stopped talking to my mother once she got married but then she “got around it” but my evil aunt is he rfavourite daughter and her kids are her favourite grandkids and my “nrmal” aunt and them always meet toether and do family stuff together and never with us and they never see anything wrong with it.they even accuse me of “contributing to this stupid fight” even tho it’s insane to even say this like this thing started 2 years before i was born because of RACISTS and i was treated like shit as a child by these ppl but i’m still seen on par with their behaviour!!! so they dont care. i actually wholly believe my grandma want my shitty aunt to have those photos actually. i fele so stupid. this was my favourite possession in the world and i was stupid enough to let it go. i still cant stop crying until now i actually hate everything. im sick of all those insane people in every side of my favmily there are insane people on my father’s side i have sociopathic theives who dont even care their brother fucking died from brain cancer and most of which i dont even fucking know and on my mother’s side there are just a bunch fo self obsessed freaks who hate me for the crime of being born

[onisiondrama]

(Note: I’m not repeating stories he’s told before and just putting them in parenthesis. I have a lot more videos to go until I’m caught up so that would save me a lot of time. If he gives details I never heard from him before, I will type those.)

“I Figured Something Out” Sept 24, 2020 Speaks

- Says he likes to make videos pointing out his flaws because when he realizes he was doing something wrong, he likes to point it out and move on. You shouldn’t bottle things up. - Says when he started making these video he was angry and over time he winded down. - Begs his follower to look into the Regina / Adam thing. Says Regina pretended to be a transgender person named Adam. He says he was told this by a friend of someone he loves, by someone he loves, by a Hansen insider, and two other people who looked into it. They fabricated a person and a story. He says it’s gross. He says he doesn’t know exactly what was said because he doesn’t watch those videos. - Says he recently watched a beautiful, capable, smart women talk about cancel culture and drama. She’s a republican who doesn’t believe in the far right or left. Says most people go with the flow, but she’s an individual. He says he didn’t care there were things she said that he disagreed with because of the way she spoke. He says when he talks to people online, he has to remember you’re not that different. We all have feelings and people are less reasonable in your opinion if you don’t approach them reasonably. He says he is too harsh and mean in his videos, unlike the women. He understands you’re not supposed to sugarcoat the truth, but other people have feelings. - (People are after him because he hurt their feelings.) - Brings up Regina again. He says he doesn’t know what their problem is because he never talked to them. Says there’s sincere mental illness sprinkled around the internet and it’s proven if you put Regina and Adam side by side. He says he hasn’t watch the videos side by side, but he’s seen photos. He says he doesn’t know how this got past the filters and how people can be so negligent to the truth. He says that’s what happens when you let anyone on a show. People come on to troll or to project their issues. - He says people who watched him may have felt talked down to. He says he spoke like that because he felt like his audience turned on him before he had a chance to explain why it was all ridiculous. He felt it was unintelligent for people to assume it was the truth, but he was in a situation where he was threatened with divorce if he talked. He was stuck between being the bigger person and staying silent while he was building up frustration seeing what people were saying about him. - Says if the Regina and Adam thing is true, it’s the funniest disaster that ever occurred on social media. People were saying there’s all these victims and one of them turns out to be someone dressing up as a new person. It’s bad enough people can fake texts, but when you fake a whole person that’s another level of crazy. He says he almost feels blessed to be subjected to that level of comedy. He says it’s clinically insane for someone to do that with a straight face. He says he never even heard of Adam. - When his marriage was on the rocks because of cuddlegate, he told Billie he wanted to be alone. Billie tried to work it out with him. Says that’s evil step-mom, homewrecker stuff. [I’m pretty sure he’s talking about when he made the fake divorce video and she contacted him.] Says he had the opportunity to run away and abandon his family. He chose to stay because he doesn’t want to be that dad that choses his lustful side over his heart. He broke down crying at one point because he almost let down his family and he almost lost them. He didn’t talk to Billie for a few months after cuddlegate until Kai was like “uwu”. He says he told Kai it was a bad idea and it ended horribly. Says he’s done better than his dad and numerous other dads. - Says he doesn’t speak to people in his life as respectfully as he should. - Anyone in his shoes would be just as bitter and angry as he was. Some people wouldn’t even be alive. He lashed out because he didn’t get a fair chance. People won’t do a charity stream with him. - Once he told his full side in videos, people didn’t want to interview him anymore because he didn’t seem crazy anymore. - Says he was part of the mob against Chris Brown. He said he’s had people scream in his face and he didn’t do anything illegal to them. He called the cops on them. - (Patreon ban, he didn’t dox on purpose) - He says he wants to get rid of boob squeeze because it’s cringey to him. [thank god!]

“My Social Life- Before And After COVID” Sept 25, 2020, Speaks

- (Chris Hansen covid cure) - Says before COVID he stopped going out in public because people were taking picture of his children and posting them to the internet. An employee at Lowes and at Dairy Queen took photos of his children. He’s protective of them. A man [Hansen] showed up to his house when his kids were home. - He was thankful when COVID hit because people would stay away from him. He’s happy he has to wear a mask. He was wearing a different disguise in public before the masks. - (Kai threatened divorce if he spoke) - Says people’s emotions and mental illness cloud their memories. He conquered that when he was 17. A girl dumped him and he told her she was a monster. This was before people would seek clout so it was just between them. He says he supports her breaking up with him because they weren’t meant to be. - Seeing how crazy Seattle and society has gotten, he doesn’t want to be apart of it.  - He was socially lynched without going to court. (Mike went to court) - COVID gave him on excuse to avoid everyone and family members. He says COVID is horrible and people have died, but for him it came at an interesting time. He compares it to when a kid bullied him really hard in elementary school and died in a sledding accident. Says some dude or chick in a truck hit the kid. He says another time a guy was bullying him hard and that guy died in a motorcycle accident. He gave his helmet to his girlfriend. He died a hero. He gave up his life for someone. He was handsome and had his life ahead of him. - Says according to his mother, his father got a women killed by not giving her a helmet. He kept it for himself. His father also allegedly slept with his cousin. His dad tried to sue him and failed. Three of his family member accused his father of being a predator. - A reporter interviewed his father and his father acted like a hero.  - His mom is the one who left his dad. He says she didn’t have to fight for custody so there’s no motivation for her to lie. - (beat up his dad story) - Criminal experts will agree with him to follow the money in cases because money is the root of all evil. Like a news station that will make more money by making a monster instead of telling a true story. It is not profitable to tell both sides. - People like black and white stores, not stories where both people make mistakes. - He love isolation. He was covered in his father’s blood when he went to juvie. His white shirt was brown with dry blood. He was happy to be there because he was away from people and life was simpler. Everybody in there was flawed, which is better than being with his hypocrite god-loving father. Typical Seventh Day Adventist garbage. Greg says he was one as well. When he was 13 he prayed and told god he wanted nothing to do with him. Many amazing things happened to him after that. - Says you have a lot of drifters who came and destroyed someone consistent in you life, then they left. He was that consistent person. He was making hundreds of videos and entertaining thousands of people per video. Now he’s down to 900 to 3,000 views per video. They came, they destroyed, they left. They destroyed someone you connected with, had a real bond with. A lot of you cheered them on as they did this and then they left. Now you’re left with the same person, but he’s more broken. He believed in good people before, but now that he was dragged down into dirt, he has dirt in his eyes. He can’t see the sun or trees. He can just see dark and sadness. He still feels your spit on his face from when you millions of people beat him senseless socially. - He says he saw a legitimate news source says there was an FBI investigation about him. Says the FBI never contacted him. - Leafy recently suggested he should become an actor. He compares it to Kevin Spacey. Says it would be sad to lose a netflix show or a movie deal because of people saying things about you. He says imagine people who were going to be on that show with you stop talking to you because they don’t want to be dragged down with you. He’s glad he wasn’t that big when he fell because it would have hurt more. Now he gets to be a no one who knows who he really is when most people live in an alternate reality. - When he lost BillyTheFridge as a friend, he didn’t lose anything because Billy was a fake friend. Billy wanted to be a white knight. Joe and Anastasia were great friends and wanted to still talk to him. Billy later on realized James wasn’t as evil as he thought and invited him to lunch with them. Says he (James) backed out and decided to stop talking to all of them. He says it’s sad he lost Joe and Anastasia as friends, but he didn’t want to drag them into the drama and make their lives more miserable. Having friends was a burden and he didn’t want them to hurt. - (Regina / Adam) Dobs is barking. - He feels like this whole thing is a grand opportunity to look at things the way they are. He doesn’t trust anyone anymore and he doesn’t believe in friendships anymore. - He swears on his life he’s more honest than Sarah, Billie, and Shiloh.

[lunaticlua]

how do you make a home? // part 5

series masterlist

also available on ao3

a/n: this chapter is probably one of the heaviest of this story. i tried to keep the description to its minimal, but the subject still is a difficult one. so, please be careful and prioritize your mental health as always.

tw: description of parents' death involving gun violence and blood

additional note: the title of the chapter is from 'the valley' by ethan gruska

gif by @toesure

chapter 5: and if childhood defines you, can it ever be behind you?

“there is a wall in my life built by you, you opened a door that a kid shouldn’t walk through” (guiltless – dodie)

The cup falls to ground as her eyes start watering and she blames the tears on the spilled water and broken glass. She rapidly knells down to clean up the mess with her bare hands in an attempt to silence an intruding voice of the past muttering “What did I do?” repeatedly. Before she can hurt herself with the sharp objects on the floor, an unknown hand stops her. Lulu takes more than she should to remember herself of the blonde boy’s presence.

He studies her with regret and concern on his face. But rather than calming her, it triggers the memory she is fighting to suffocate. The person in front of her is no longer JJ, the sixteen years old boy who makes her heart jump and her walls crumple. Suddenly, instead of being in Uncle Joe’s house, where she is safe and sound, she travels back to the place where it all happened, where she lost everything in one night. When she looks up from the chaos on the kitchen floor, she sees him. The man she once knew as dad, her beloved father who was the best man on Earth in her childish mind. The man she now referred to as Paul Jones, the one who murdered her mom.

She nervously gets up and takes several steps back, distancing herself from the tall, lean man. She watches his blood-soaked hands, a recently used gun on his right one and his insane expression. She lowers her eyes and where was the broken glass and spilled water she sees her mother bleeding on the living room’s navy-blue carpet of her childhood house. Falling to her knees, she tries to stop the blood from escaping her mother’s body as she had many years ago without success. She feels the woman who taught how to love and to be loved perishing on her arms.

She glances at her father, murmuring to himself. “What did I do? What did I do?” She tries to stop herself from saying because she knows the result of it. However, she listens to her voice screaming, even though she is aware that she didn’t open her mind. “What did you do? You killed her. You killed my mom!”

When she sees that look of regret and concern on the man’s face which she is too familiar with from her innumerous nightmares and troubling memories, she closes her eyes and puts her hands on her ears, bracing herself for what is about to happen. But the sound of gunshot never comes.

A soothing hand, so much different from the ones who caused all of this, touches her shoulders lightly. A worried but loving voice calling her comes through. When she opens her tired eyes, they meet ocean blue’s ones. She is back to the present time, breathing and free from harm.

“Lulu,” JJ breathes, taking her hands away from her ears and interlocking them with his own. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just appear out of nowhere and approach this subject.”

“Yeah, you shouldn’t,” she answers earnestly after a beat. Noticing his growing remorse, she tries to smile, but ends up grimacing.

“I am really sorry. I didn’t think.”

“It is okay.”

“It is not, though. I know that it sucks to be forced to talk about something you don’t want to. I shouldn’t have done this to you.” He moves his thumb in a circular motion, trying to comfort her. “I know sorry doesn’t fix it, but I am. Sorry, I mean.”

“I know,” she moves her eyes to the awaiting mess on the kitchen, thinking she will need to get to it soon. As if reading her mind, he gets up and offers his hands for help. “I’ll clean up this mess and leave you alone, okay?”

“Don’t,” she mumbles, staring at her unlaced shoes.

“What? No, don’t think of contradicting me. It is my fault and I will clean it.”

She inhales and exhales and then look at him again with pleading eyes. “You can clean if you want. But don’t go. Stay, please. I don’t want to be alone.” JJ weighs down his answer for a couple of moments, making sure that he is welcomed, and simply nods. “I will wait for you on my bedroom.”

Ten minutes later, she is sitting on her bed, playing with the golden necklace that used to be her mother’s and Auntie Rita gave to her on her first birthday away from Outer Banks. This little piece of her mother had helped her many times, grounding her. In that moment, her head is at ease but far away, and she almost doesn’t notices the boy entering. He smiles shyly and she responds it by smiling back at him and gesturing for him to sit next to her, which seems to surprise him.

But what genuinely dumbfounds him is her soft speaking words. “I want to tell you. What happened, you know? I want to tell you.”

“Lulu, you don’t have to. I am sorry if I pressured you before, but you don’t have to.”

“JJ, you are not pressuring me. I want to. I really do,” she declares confidently, even though the prospect of telling it scares her.

“Are you sure?”

“No. But I want to, anyway.” He seems hesitant, but motions to her speak. “What do you know?”

He recounts what he had learnt from Pope that day and what heard around town when it happened, choosing the best words he can to not upset her even more. Her father shot her mother and then killed himself in front of his nine years old daughter. In front of her. When he finishes, he sees a pained expression on her face, but, before he can start apologizing, she speaks.

“He was drunk,” she states and stays silent for a minute or two. When she opens her mouth to continue, he can see a single tear escaping her left eye. He moves to clean it before he can think it through, and her glistening eyes seem grateful for his caring attitude. “He used to drink. Not a lot. Just a normal amount on barbecues and parties. I have never seen him drunk. I don’t know why he had so much to drink that night. But he did and he got mad at my mom.

“I was in my room when he arrived. I think I was reading or something dumb like that. I remember hearing them fighting—They didn’t fight normally, you know? They used to argue sometimes, but they rarely screamed at each other. I can see now that my mom was afraid of him, but I never saw it when I was a kid. She… She used to have many secrets with me. Things that made him upset, but she still wanted to do. Like teaching me Portuguese, buying me ice cream before lunch, teaching music to some children around the island. He didn’t like those stuff and she hid it from him, so he didn’t get mad.

“That night, I got really scared because of the fighting. They rarely screamed and they were screaming so much. So, I decided to go downstairs. I was almost arriving on the living room when I heard— When I heard the—,” she stops abruptly, and he takes her hands again. “The gunshot. I run towards them and I saw her there. Pale. Bloodied. In her last breaths,” she hiccups with tears all across her face.

“Lulu, you don’t need to continue.”

She takes a deep breath and shakes her head, denying. “I need this. I really do,” he cleans her cheeks with one of his hands and squeezes hers with his other one. “Her heart stopped right after. Then, I looked at him. At my father. He was freaked out and mumbling and walking from one side to the other. I don’t think that he had noticed me there until I spoke. I asked what he had done. I accused him of killing her, which he did do. And then he— He—You know. I was there and I stayed there the whole night. I just couldn’t move or speak or do something. I just stayed there. Our house was a little far away from the others. So, no one heard the gunshots. Uncle Joe found me there the next morning. My mom was supposed to meet him, and she didn’t come.”

Her eyes are bloodshot and puffy when she stops talking. His heart breaks some more with the sight of her. Small, defenseless, crying in front of him. Sensing that she had finished retelling the traumatic event, he asks permission with his eyes to hug her and she nods. Their embrace lasts a couple of minutes, but it seems like hours. With her head placed at the crook of his neck, she truly relaxes for the first time that day. He smells of weed, ocean salty water and sunscreen. Being hugged by him feels like coming home after a long time away and she wants it to last forever. In that moment, JJ realizes that he would be willing to do anything to keep her safe and close to him like this.

“just know you're not alone 'cause i'm going to make this place your home” (home – phillip phillips)

[asgardianthot]

Flesh And Bones - part 1

Sam Wilson x Bucky Barnes

Soulmate AU

In a world where people bond with their soulmates through physical pain, living in the same compound makes the search much easier (or it should, if they weren’t so damn stubborn)

TW: self-inflicted injuries

words: 1742

A/N: this is my first time posting a series on the tumblrs but I’ve had the idea for months so here goes nothing

Series Masterlist

Pain is such human extravaganza.

For your body to react to certain dangers or stimulations that trigger specific nervous patterns, that’s something most living creatures are built with. We are but machines; when you lay your hand over fire and it hurts, your nervous system is alerting the rest of your body of harm and yelling at it to get away from said harm, similar to how old hair dryers would stop functioning when they overheated to prevent explosions.

That, we have a general idea of. Pain is natural and not a construct.

But suffering. Aching from love, or the lack of it… nobody does it better than humans. Super-humans included. Enhanced, hyper-trained, whatever. The pain parade of romance is something so deeply rooted into the dumbest parts of our brains, that that must be the reason behind soulmates.

The point is, it is only logical for such a cruel universe to bond love and pain so tightly.

It’s simple, really. Sometime in the speck of dust of time in which we live, a person will get injured. They’ll bump their toe on a kitchen counter, fall on their butts, cut their finger while chopping vegetables, or maybe get into a chaotic car accident. No matter the damage, when the universe decides that hurt idiot is your hurt idiot, you’ll feel their pain on your own skin. It also didn’t matter if you knew the person or not, only chances were your soulmate was a complete stranger.

At first it comes like a tingle, a small pinch or even the ghost sensation of a scratch. But if your soulmate is nearer than they should without you realizing who they are, the sensation becomes full and the closer they are the more vivid their pain feels on your own skin. It is extremely uncertain, however, if it has to do with spatial proximity, or emotional.

Sam Wilson would eventually sit on the park, after his morning jog, or afternoon jog, and contemplate people. He enjoyed the easiness, the memory of a time before the army, when his life was simple. No PTSD, no Avenging. To be fair, the Avenger life was the cure to the PTSD somehow, for Sam Wilson was a man of action and the more quiet his life was, the more his mind wandered. He loved the agitation, the missions, the feeling of helping people, yet every once in a while, or once a day even, he would simply sit and watch the futility of civilian’s walks around the park.

A woman sat next to him and didn’t offer any sign of kindness. She seemed busy -occupied- in the way that she moved and looked around, which is why he didn’t look at her any longer so she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. However, he then began getting the feeling that she was keeping an eye on him, and when he glanced at her nervous hands, he noticed the poor woman holding a needle to her skin, poking her own hand a few times.

A desperate soul.

On one side of a binary coin, some people don’t believe in soulmates. They aren’t the easiest to spot, and when a couple like that is seen, there is no proof for a simple skeptical individual that they actually felt each other’s pain. There were studies proving the neuronal effects, and were those hard to execute, but not everyone fell for them. Some argued that it was psychological placebo, that the person forced themselves to feel their lover’s feelings, some accused the studies to be biased or false. Some were old and hadn’t found one so why would they believe soulmates were real? They’re not necessary. You don’t just love the person you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with, and them alone, there’s all kinds of love and affection. Then, well… some were simply bitter, covering up their fear of never finding one for themselves.

On the polar opposite, there were the desperate ones. They would inflict harm on themselves in public spaces, expecting a reaction from the passersby.

More than once had Sam seen a man stab their own leg or cut through their palm yelling ‘can anybody feel this?’ as if they feared this was their only shot, forcing the Falcon to run and make them stop hurting themselves along with other civilians. Some couldn’t wait. And Sam never understood why someone wouldn’t be able to enjoy life if they didn’t know their one and only; It made dating much more relaxed and fun and honest. Perhaps that person would eventually become your soulmate, and even though the probabilities of that happening were slim to none, it didn’t need to ruin every romantic relationship in your life.

Therefore with pain in his chest, he addressed the young woman whose eyes were directly analyzing Sam’s hand.

“Hey, lady?” he asked her, earning a big pair of hopeful eyes to find his; yet he had to give her a sad frown to let her know he wasn’t who she was looking for, thus gaining a mimicking disappointed look, “It’s not worth all this trouble.”

Her expression quickly turned into one of distance, like she was trying to protect herself from people who didn’t understand her. She sat back and allowed a smirk to take over her face as she stared into nothingness.

“You’re one of those people who think it’s all a hoax? A construct?” when obtaining no reply, she kept pressuring the Falcon, “Placebo effect? Self-conditioning?”

Sam didn’t give in. He simply took a big breath and sat up from the bench. When he turned to face her, her eyes weren’t as distant.

“No.” He said calmly, “I think yours will come when it’s time. Until then,” he raised his eyebrows a bit, “you’re just hurting yourself for no reason.”

Sam walked away before he could see the young woman’s lower lip tremble.

-

“I didn’t eat your cereal.” Bucky protested, plopped on the couch that faced a flat screen.

Sam, however, wasn’t buying it. He held his ground, one hand on his hip and the other agitating the skimpy remains inside the carton box, making it rattle.

“It’s empty.” He insisted, in a way that screamed paranoia over being accused of overreacting or being crazy.

Instead of acting in an opposite behavior, he gave Bucky all the more reason to treat him as if he were going insane.

“Well, it wasn’t me.” The soldier replied easily, not flipping through the channels anymore but surrendering to a local news one; after a sigh, he looked at the accusatory, “Maybe Steve did it.”

Sam pursed his lips before turning to Steve with a dead look on his face.

“Steve, did you eat my cereal?” he asked condescendingly, already knowing the answer to be no.

As a matter of fact, the blonde’s shirt had small dark spots where he sweat his morning jog on, his hair was still perfect for a regular person but a bit disheveled for Captain America’s inhuman standards, and he was focused on drinking from a water bottle.

He tilted his head to Sam, who nodded, more agreeing with himself than with Rogers.

“You’re the only one who stays on the couch all morning.” He braked back at Barnes.

He didn’t respond this time, perhaps because he was, once again, being accused of being lazy and not using his time nor his gifts wisely. Perhaps because he was just tired of saying he didn’t eat the cereals in question when he had undoubtedly and decisively eaten the cereals in question.

Paying attention to the random local news he’d landed on, he got the gist of what the reporter was saying. They were presenting a quirky story of a bitter man suing his soulmate. He claimed the only reason he got into a car accident was because he felt a sudden sharp pain in his foot and got distracted, and therefore, was asking for his soulmate to pay off the insurance money. Of course they had to find the soulmate who was allegedly responsible for the crash.

“That’s ridiculous.” Bucky mocked.

Sam sat next to him, already having dropped the subject of the missing cereals. He listened to the reporter interviewing the odd man and let an amused but very quickly evaporated smile.

“People have been pulling stunts like these for ages, you can’t be surprised.”

Barnes glanced at him for a second, then returning to the TV. He still thought it was the stupidest reason to sue he’d ever heard of.

“It’s insane.” He said anyways.

“I think it’s sad.” Sam derailed the commentary on an opposite direction, “Can’t be fun starting your lifelong love story through a lawsuit.”

Steve joined the conversation from behind the couch. “I’m pretty sure it’s just a way of getting their attention. You know, find them whatever it takes. It’s actually kind of romantic.”

Bucky scoffed. He couldn’t stop Steve from being such a hopeless romantic and blindly believe in fairy tales where there was none, but he could still be annoyed by the fact.

“A little convenient, isn’t it?” he raised an eyebrow in judgement, yet not turning around to face the blonde.

“What?” Sam shot defiantly, “You don’t believe in this stuff?”

They both knew he was referring to the soulmates paraphernalia. With his glum attitude and dark observations, Barnes did seem like the kind of people to discard the idea of a soulmate. Love that never changes, souls that bond… it did not sound like James Buchanan Barnes’ cup of tea.

“Not the whole part.” He admitted, “I think there’s a lot of bullshit to it.”

The smirk grew on Wilson’s face, “So you’re one of those wacko conspirationists?”

“What if I am?” Bucky shot back, just to mess with him.

He wasn’t though, or not when it came to soulmates, at least. NASA and the government, on the other hand? The man had seen too much inside Hydra to not believe any crazy theory to be possible. He dropped the subject and became more serious, shrugging a little.

“All I’m saying is there’s lots of rules and conditions, I mean, who makes the calls?” Bucky questioned, almost angry, “Who chooses everyone’s partners? And what if you hate your soulmate?”

“That’s the point.” Steve intervened with his bright optimism, “You won’t. They’re your other half.”

Bucky pursed his lips and picked up the remote to switch channels again.

“Sounds real dumb.”

[mercy-of-the-ashes]

My Complete Thoughts On Haiji Towa and My Experiences As A Haiji Fan

Hey, guys. It’s been a while since I made a new post. I’m hardly on Reddit, but that’s obvious. As you can see from the title, I rewrote my Haiji post again, but I assure you, it’ll be the last time I do this. After all this time, I left out so many details, and I wanted to make sure I say everything that I want to say here. That way, I can just move on while knowing I got everything off my chest. Obviously, this post is about, you guessed it, Haiji Towa, the most controversial and hated Danganronpa character of all time. And it’ll also be about me and my experiences as a Haiji fan. It’s a very long post, so please bear with me.

Note: I do not want to cause drama by posting this. I’m not targeting anyone nor do I want anyone to target me for this. I’m just going to state all of my honest opinions about Haiji and my experiences in the fandom, and what I think about both. If anyone doesn’t want to read what I have to say, please turn back and ignore my post. You have been warned.

Haiji Towa is, believe it or not, my favorite Danganronpa character. Yes, I said it and for the first time since I joined the community a long time ago, I’m not ashamed anymore. However, I’m not blind to the hate he gets on a daily basis. I’m well aware of it, along with other things I’ve experienced for more than a year now. So for the third and final time, I’m going to explain my full stance on Haiji without leaving anything out. Again, I’m not defending him for what he is in canon. I don’t condone his actions in any way, shape, or form, so always keep that in mind.

Now Haiji is hated for a variety of reasons, and I’m going to list them and discuss my own opinions about each one. So let’s begin!

1. Haiji’s a pedophile! Why do you like a pedophile?!!

To start things off, I’ll get the obvious one out of the way. I know and understand he’s a pedophile, but it doesn’t mean I like him for that reason. That’s a disgusting reason to like him, and I’m not one of those people. I’m not deliberately ignoring that little detail from his character because I like him. Just because I like him *doesn’t* mean I support pedophilia. I hate that they made Haiji one, and the worst part is I accidentally found out about this way before I even got to Chapter 4 during my friend’s playthrough of Ultra Despair Girls. I’ll admit I was in denial, and I wanted to believe it was some sort of misunderstanding. Sadly it wasn’t one. Some say it was just a lame joke Haiji made, but I don’t know. Regardless, it broke my heart because I didn’t have a problem with him before that happened. But despite this, I couldn’t bring myself to hate him like 95% of the fandom. And I shouldn’t be forced to hate him. I hate the fact that he’s a pedo, not the character himself. Call me insane if you want, but it’s the truth.

2. Haiji’s a child abuser!

Another thing that I know and understand. Yes, the way he treated Monaca was wrong on so many levels, including calling her an alien or unwanted and always reminding her that she’s unloved. Abuse is and will always be wrong. Haiji hated her out of bitterness and jealousy, especially when her genius intellect started to shine, and he just didn’t care about her at all. What he did to a child was cruel, there’s no denying it.

3. He’s a jerk, a coward, a horrible leader.

I’d say that I’m not blind to this as well, but this is just me having to repeat myself over and over. I know what he’s like. Haiji’s a jerk and a coward who didn’t fight back against the kids and Monokumas. He didn’t do much for the Resistance, but he should be given some credit for trying to keep the surviving adults safe. Sure, he didn’t do anything until Komaru’s inspiring speech, but he did what he thought what was best for the survivors. The keyword is “thought.” And I have a feeling I know what someone might say immediately, which will lead to the next point in a moment.

I’m not familiar with leadership, but I know Haiji’s not a perfect leader. People have pointed this out a lot from what I’ve seen. He accused Komaru and Toko of luring the Monokumas even though it wasn’t on purpose. He didn’t listen to anything they had to say. He doesn’t fight back right away. But did it ever occur to anyone that he doesn’t know much about leadership? He didn’t know what he was doing, just like any inexperienced person would if they wound up in a similar situation. But he did have some good points. I actually sympathized with him when he first appeared. He didn’t want to fight back if it meant risking the survivors getting killed. Also, Haiji did admit he was being a coward later on, so he knew he wasn’t being a good leader. He’s not the perfect leader you would expect, but he did try. Of course, his bad choices do hinder what should have been decent choices.

4. Haiji’s selfish!

Alright, his desire for revenge is selfish. He cared more about himself and what he wanted out of this, but if he truly didn’t care about others, why did he form the Resistance in the first place if he didn’t care about anyone else? I don’t approve of him wanting revenge against the Warriors of Hope and the brainwashed kids, but I understand why he would feel that way.

5. Haiji wanted to kill all the kids!

The scene from Chapter 5 is one that I will always remember. I confess that I was against Haiji for wanting to break the controller, even if it meant killing all of the brainwashed kids. His selfishness, rage, and revenge intensified here. He even attacked Toko, a character I used to despise. She’s not a favorite, but even I hated when he threatened her. Haiji was an irrational bastard throughout this chapter, and hating him for this reason is valid just like the first two. But I still understand his behavior here. Also, note that I didn’t include the other two reasons, so I’ll get to that in a moment.

Now that those reasons have been covered, I can get to the part where I can discuss my overall opinion. All of these reasons for hating him are valid, and some of them are more valid than the others. But I want to do something first. For this next part, shove the pedophilia and child abuse aside. Pretend those traits don’t exist for a moment.

Put yourself in Haiji’s shoes. You are the heir of Towa Group, a conglomerate that will be all yours someday. During your life of luxury in a city that you are destined to run someday, you discover you have a stepsister, Monaca. She later surpassed you and is helping the company, making you feel angry and jealous because a child managed to surpass you. You feel threatened and useless, and you develop an inferiority complex.

To not make matters worse for you, you just ignore her (considering how the wheelchair “accident” already happened). As long as she’s making the company profit, you don’t care what she does. The company is what matters to you. But little did you know, those Monokumas she’s developing are “death machines”, but you’re too late to realize it. You choose not to risk the company exposing everything, so you don’t say anything to not lose everything you’ve been working hard on for a long time.

Then suddenly, your father is killed right before your eyes by the same Monokumas. You barely manage to escape, but unfortunately, you get attacked too. Your arm is ripped apart and you scream in pure agony as children laugh at you. It’s a traumatizing experience for you, but because of all the conflict, your emotions take over your mindset. You blame it on the children. Monaca, who had manipulated everyone, is the enemy in your eyes. You begin to hate the children with all your heart, and wish for vengeance.

You’re forced to hide, unable to fight back after what had happened. You try to think of a plan, but deep down, you’re too afraid to do anything. Everything was traumatizing to you, so you just remain hidden from danger all while making sure the survivors don’t suffer the same way. But when words of encouragement inspire you to fight back, you rally up all the others to fight the kids that you have grown to despise for what they’ve done. Blinded by hatred, rage, and revenge, you don’t care if the kids die. You’ve suffered so much, you just want it all to end at all costs.

This only explains some of his actions, but seeing things from his perspective is key to understanding Haiji’s way of thinking. I did this because people don’t seem to notice that Haiji’s an emotion-driven man. He’s intelligent despite people claiming that he’s an idiot, but his emotions clouded his logic. He can’t think logically because he’s so fueled by revenge. He’s not an idiot, he’s inexperienced. He didn’t know what he was doing. His emotions dominated rationality, which in turn led to the way he was in-game. Being selfish and filled with revenge alongside being emotion-driven and unable to think clearly makes sense.

“But he’s a pedophile and an abuser!” I know that already, but I’m not defending him about that. Excluding the forced pedophilia and abuse, all of Haiji’s actions aren’t being excused here. I’m not excusing any of his actions at all. Understanding them and supporting them aren’t interchangeable. I wouldn’t be writing this post if I were the blind fangirl who believes that he did nothing wrong, something that people accuse me of being. Well, apparently it’s false. I can like a character without liking everything that a character does. Liking everything about a character is a dangerous mindset that I don’t have.

On to my next opinion. Haiji Towa had a lot of wasted potential. I don’t know why all of his untapped potential was never utilized. He had so much going for him, it kind of hurts to see a lot of ideas being poorly executed. In my honest opinion, Haiji could have been written better. UDG intended to make characters fall into the gray area, but even without the obvious stuff, Haiji still could have worked to fit with the theme that not everyone is completely good or completely bad. The pedophilia and abuse were forced and unnecessary to me because with everything else, Haiji already fit the theme of the game. The extra push was overkill in my eyes.

And then there’s the argument which states that he was meant to be hated, so that’s why Haiji is the way he is. Some people even told me that I missed the point of his character. No, I didn’t. I know he was made to be hated, but wasn’t Monaca the one meant to be hated? Why drag Haiji into it? Anyway, even if Haiji was made to be hated by everyone, I’m not obligated to like it. For me, they ruined him, ruined what could have been a great character, and I know there are people who feel the same way.

Haiji wasn’t allowed better writing. He didn’t get more focus, and never had a chance to get redemption. If they had taken better care of his character, Haiji could have been an antihero type of character who would get a redemption arc. He had plenty of traits that fit the character type, so all he needed was redeeming qualities and more focus to make him less of a plot device and more of an actual character. I like antiheroes, and that’s what drew me in to his character.

Why am I passionate about a character everyone hates? This will shock people, but Haiji and I have a lot in common. Again, the pedophilia and abuse do not count. We are emotion-driven and insecure. It can be proven by those who know me, and even I’m aware of how emotional and insecure I can get. We don’t always think logically, and it screws us over. We are cowardly and paranoid, too afraid to take risks, and we are hotheaded by struggling to see when we are wrong and don’t ask or accept help. We get jealous of others who upstage us (except I never abused nor will I ever abuse anyone), and we do hold grudges.

Haiji and I are both passionate in our own ways, and we are both intelligent when we can be. Plus we dress casually, and we can be sarcastic and laid-back when we’re not jerks. Yes, even I can be a jerk towards others, but my positive qualities outweigh my negative qualities.

However, unlike Haiji, I’m trying to overcome whatever flaws we both share, but it takes time to improve myself. Trying to be more confident and rational isn’t an easy task. Heck, I still struggle with accepting help from others. Also, I used to be vengeful towards others for a variety of reasons, especially after I was emotionally abused by a toxic friend, but I’m doing better now. I still express bitterness towards her and people who have hurt me recently, but I’m not out there seeking revenge.

Removing the pedophilia and adjusting some things, Haiji could have had more depth, only he wasn’t allowed more attention. It’s pretty sad when I think about it. He’s one of the most realistic characters of the series, and he was handled improperly. All of this is why I was driven to do something about it, which now leads to my own portion of this post.

*************************************************

My experiences as one of the few Haiji fans have resulted in mixed feelings about the fandom. When I realized I liked Haiji more than expected and started to see the hate he constantly gets, I knew I was taking a risk when I decided to tackle something. That something was my goal to create an AU Haiji Towa. I never saw anyone do it before, so I knew it would cause problems, but I did it anyway.

Basically I started writing stories where Haiji isn’t a pedophile or an abuser (at least not to an extreme). My stories gained attention as time went on, and I admit I got so excited knowing that people acknowledged my efforts. So I kept going with them alongside my Haiji roleplay accounts. In a sense, I made this into a commitment, plus I was having fun writing a more likable version of Haiji. But there was a problem that I didn’t realize until recently. My Haiji was too different to the point where he was an OC.

I won’t lie, I refused to see it, but people did question my efforts because of it. I’m embarrassed to look back on those memories now that I know they were right. It’s no wonder he was rejected in Killing Game roleplays. That problem is now solved now that I’m rewriting all of my Haiji stories. They are stories that are now deleted, but they will come back but better. The way I roleplay Haiji was altered as well. It felt like all of my efforts were for nothing, but they weren’t. For my new portrayal of Haiji, I’m going to lean more towards canon, but considering how his backstory and personality are lacking in some areas, I can still take creative liberties with my AU Haiji.

I know I’m saying all of this as if nothing bad had happened, but I did say I’ve developed mixed feelings about the fandom. First off, the hate towards Haiji fans is ridiculous and disturbing. I’ve never seen so much hatred for a fictional character, ranging from wishing death upon him to hating actual people. Hating Haiji is valid, but the fact that people hate those who like him is taking things too far. They are falsely accused of being pedo/abuse apologists. I experienced that myself, and it’s annoying.

In my case, I was accused of glorifying Haiji Towa, so anything to do with him was banned from a place where I usually hang out often. Talking about him, roleplaying as him, anything related to Haiji, is banned. What made it hurt for me is the rule seemed like a call-out. Why? It said it doesn’t matter if it’s an AU Haiji, it’s still an issue. Just because I like him doesn’t mean I glorify pedophilia and abuse. I said this a million times to those people, yet my voice remained unheard. A minor detail was when they also accused me of liking him just because he’s attractive. Yes, I do believe he’s handsome, but that’s not the only reason why I like him, or else why would I write this post? Why make this if I’m a “shallow fangirl” who doesn’t see issues with him? I’m not stupid to behave like that, and I hate it when people misunderstand or underestimate me.

Another embarrassing moment was when my tastes in characters was questioned. They told me that I shouldn’t like characters like that, but again I don’t like Haiji for those obvious things. The same can apply for any character. People can like whatever character they want without supporting everything that they do. So, if I like Korekiyo, I support incest? I like Kokichi, do I approve of compulsive lying? What about Tenko, does that mean I hate men? NO. I don’t support any of those things.

And another thing, I like Haiji, but that doesn’t mean I’ll do the same things as him. Liking a character doesn’t equal being the character. Hating a character doesn’t equal hating people who happen to like a character. People like characters for thousands of reasons, and doing this sort of thing puts Haiji fans in a negative light when we don’t deserve it. Without a doubt, there are Haiji fans who…like him for being a pedophile and/or an abuser, but those are a minority of Haiji fans. Fans that should stay away from me and everyone else. Not all of us are pedo/abuse apologists, and these false accusations only serve to demonize us when we are innocent.

I hate to bring up this next thing, but it’s something that caused me to lose trust in people. This whole time, I thought they encouraged and supported me for liking Haiji and my efforts to create my AU Haiji. It turns out they didn’t. On one hand, I understand why and I can respect that. I’m not trying to change everyone’s opinions with this post. The reason why this hurt was I trusted them. I thought they were on my side, but then I realized they have been questioning me and never appreciated my efforts the whole time.

Two things come to mind. The first one is I don’t care if people hate Haiji, but people should at least respect those who do. Hate Haiji, but respect me. But if people hate me in the process just for liking Haiji, then there’s nothing I can do about that. As for the second thing, I know not everyone will appreciate my AU Haiji. Even after they made me realize the way I’ve been writing him, it won’t resonate with everyone. It’s not a big deal there, but I still felt like they lied to me, as if my efforts have been invalidated. The same people didn’t attack me directly, but it doesn’t change the way I feel.

What’s worse is, I almost tried to write Haiji as he was in canon because they believed it was the right way to do it if I wanted to give him a redemption arc. I was forcing myself to do it, but my heart kept telling me this isn’t what I want to do. I can’t stick with all of canon, it goes against my principle to keep the pedophilia and some of the abuse out of my AU Haiji. That’s what I’ve been doing all this time, and I’m not going against that. I’m sorry to those the people who suggested it, but I don’t want to do it. My plans for my own version of Haiji wouldn’t work if those things were intact. I’m done trying to please others. I’m a writer, and I like to write stories that don’t make me feel like I’m forcing myself to write something in some way. I want to write what I want, not what others want. So my plans for my AU Haiji will be a combination of all of the things I added to him, and what’s canon to make him a better AU Haiji. But no pedophilia and abuse (at least the severe kind of abuse). Ever.

I apologize if I sounded irritated in some places, but I’ve had a lot of emotions bottled up and I just knew writing this post would help me release them in a more productive way. The last things I want to say is all of this toxicity in the fandom is insane. I don’t hate anyone. I used to, but I realize I don’t care anymore. It’s a waste of time. What I do care is people should be allowed to like whatever they want without people breathing on their backs and making them feel bad.

If I hadn’t tackled my AU Haiji, I wouldn’t have returned to writing ever again. I was in a bad place because of the abusive friendship I had dealt with years ago. I haven’t written anything for years until I became a Haiji fan. Haiji, or Danganronpa in general, revived my love for writing. And I wouldn’t have met my friends on Discord if I hadn’t done any of this. It’s thanks to them that I’ve done so many things that I never imagined myself doing, and it’s thanks to them that I’m doing my best to improve myself as a person. It’ll be a long journey, but I don’t have to do it alone. So despite the toxicity, it was worth making it this far.

I’m lucky that I’m still here doing what I want to do. There were times when I wanted to just give up, but I have friends, real friends, who support me and don’t want me to give up on what I love. And I won’t. Besides, there are Haiji fans out there who feel the exact same way as me. If people could give them a chance, give us a chance, they could see that we’re great people. In the end, I didn’t just write this post for myself. I wrote it for all the Haiji fans out there that are afraid to speak up. And they’re right to stay hidden, and personally, I hope they see this post.

Alright, I’ve said everything that I wanted to say. I hope you guys took the time to read this lengthy post. Please respect my opinions, I never wrote this to cause any harm, but I needed to say everything that I’ve wanted to say for so long. Now I can put this to rest and move on.

[curtashiism]

Long rant/vent ahead

It’s hard, because I know I genuinely love biology. I love learning about anatomy and physiology, and I have an affinity for bio as a whole. But I don’t know that it’s really what I want to do, and I feel like I was never given the chance to fully explore what I actually wanted to do because of my mom’s manipulative behavior to me growing up.

When I was younger I wanted to do something with music, but my mom told me I wouldn’t be good enough. I didn’t have the talent my sister did at the cello, which was why they sunk so much money into her cello rental and lessons but wouldn’t get me any lessons.

My mom told me future was in academics and I never really questioned it. Her grandma had a premonition (my mom’s words, not mine) that I would go into the sciences. So my mom never let me consider anything else. She tried her best to shut any other ideas I had down. She never came to a single one of my track meets when I ran in 8th grade. I mean, I finished dead last in every race except the one time I finished second to last, but that’s not the point. I shouldn’t have had to be good to earn her involvement. But that’s how it was with her. She only cared when it was something I was good at- academics. She’d come to the awards ceremonies when I made honor roll, but never cared about my other interests.

So I settled on the medical field at some point- I thought a doctor or vet for a while but I’m not good enough at math, physics, or chem, so now I’m thinking public health.

Before I started college, I wanted to take a break from school, get a job, and figure things out. But my mom didn’t want that. She thought if I did that, I’d never go back to school, and we couldn’t have that now could we? So she did what she does- she manipulated the situation to get what she wanted to my detriment. It didn’t matter that I didn’t want loans. She said “we all go into debt, suck it up” and told me if I didn’t start the next term she would kick me out.

So I did. Then once I had the loans finalized, she told me she was never going to kick me out, she just wanted me to “get my life together.” Because clearly it’s not my right to make those decisions, it’s hers, and if I wasn’t ready to start college at 19 my life must have been falling apart.

So now here I am, entering my senior year of college at 26 years old, panicking because I need to start preparing for a Master’s program but I don’t FEEL ready at all and I’m not sure this is actually what I want to do. I like the arts. I want to learn more about them. I want to learn to play the violin, I want to see if I can act (I’m practicing voice acting and am loving it and my friends say I actually am not bad at it and I have a cute voice perfect for child characters), or maybe even try to write a play (I love theater and I love writing.) Hell, I think I’d be happier joining the Peace Corps or going to the Kalahari Desert to volunteer with the meerkat study project for a year. I’m not ready for grad school- but I feel like I HAVE TO do it.

But that’s the thing. I try so hard to get my mom to approve of my decisions for just ONCE in her life. But even when I do exactly what she wants it doesn’t happen. She wanted me to do the science stuff to begin with- but when I tell her there’s a couple of MPH programs down in NYC, I would just need to finally get my driver’s license and a car, she starts making me defend my decision. She asks all these questions that make it sound like I’m some kind of idiot for wanting to get a Master’s degree. And maybe I fucking am, but not for the reason she thinks.

I told her I was going to learn the violin and her reaction was to get mad that I asked if I could practice it in the apartment during my visit home. When it looked like I was going to get to study abroad in London, before COVID, she made it all about her and her letting go issues.

When I graduated with my Associate’s degree- I’m the only one in the immediate family to do so, by the way- my mom cried before my graduation. Because she was devastated it wasn’t my sister.

And I honestly don’t know why I still even try. I know she has four kids but only cares about one. She will NEVER care about me or actually be proud of me. Not if I get a Master’s degree, not if I become a doctor, not if I became a tapdancing polyglot brain surgeon who cures cancer on the moon. She isn’t capable of it. On top of that, she has no grasp on who I actually am as a person.

She has a twisted and distorted view of me where I am a manifestation of all the things she fears are true of herself. All the things she doesn’t want to be, she projects onto me. She calls me hateful and judgmental and mean because I tell her not to call me when she’s been drinking. One single, solitary boundary I request and that’s too much for her. She was jealous of me as an INFANT because my dad doted on me. You have no idea how many times she’s been in the middle of a bender and accused me and my dad of literal incest because we’re close. “You’re his second wife” “there’s some Mormon shit going on between you two!” She doesn’t know the first thing about me. She told all my relatives that I only was in the orchestra as a teen because I wanted to be like my sister, not because I actually liked to play.

I do not admire a single thing about my fucking sister. This is the same sister who conspired with my first boyfriend and got him to sexually abuse me. The same sister who got high on meth and fucking raped our little brother. The same sister who told me about this while she was blackout drunk, then licked my neck. The same sister whose behavior I told to my mom and got a response of “well to be fair I’ve fantasized about your neck too!” Oh but see, if my mom was to be believed, my fucking sister never did anything to hurt my little brother, no sir. He made it up for attention, and I “planted lies in his head because I wanted to prove an agenda about men being able to be raped by women.” Because she thinks I’m so evil I would use my little brother as a pawn for a social experiment just to hurt my sister.

I don’t admire anything about my sister. I barely even fucking feel sorry that she fell into sex trafficking and had the same thing done to her that she did to my little brother. I should be upset about it, but I just feel apathetic, especially since she got to see her abuser put behind bars while my little brother is still dragged out to visit her every time my folks (who he still lives with as an adult) decide to see her. She’s a shitty person. The world will be a better place when she fucking dies. She convinces everyone she meets that she’s a wonderful person because she tells them what a long journey she’s been on and how she’s working so hard to heal through her faith (conveniently leaving out the part where she victimized others as much as she was a victim herself). Bitch, you don’t get a cookie because you fucking went five years without sexually abusing your younger siblings. Jesus isn’t fucking proud of you. I’m certainly not.

But of course, since she’s the one my mom favors, she can do no wrong. My mom is no better than her in my eyes.

So that brings it back to, why the FUCK do I want her approval?

Why the fuck do I care?

She certainly doesn’t care about me. If all the above shit isn’t proof, the fact that she got drunk when I was 15 and said she wished she could kill me is. The fact that she gave me PTSD from all the shit she put me through is proof. The fact that she made me coming out as a lesbian all about her is proof. The fact that she would go on a hateful rant about trans people- even though she doesn’t know I am, she knows I care deeply about the issues which should be enough but some isn’t- is proof. The fact that she honestly can NOT remember what my birthday is and has to be reminded by my dad is proof. The fact that she once called me a bitch on my birthday, which she forgot was my birthday until my little brother reminded her, is proof. The fact that she tried to tear my dad and I apart because she was too insecure to handle my dad “choosing his kids over her” is proof. The fact that she put me in the position of having to let her scream and throw things at me to protect my younger brother, because the alternative was letting her hurt him instead, is proof. The fact that I self-harmed for nearly a decade because of her and only got clean when I moved 3,000 miles away (what a coincidence!) is proof.

She’s fucking sick and is never going to be anything approaching a good mother to me because she doesn’t see me as me, she just makes me the lightning rod for her anger whenever she gets pissed off. When she’s pissed off, I’m an emotional punching bag, and when she’s hurting I’m a substitute therapist who will do all the emotional heavy lifting for her because she fucking knows how to use my compassion and guilt complex against me.

She has reasons, in her head, for why I’m so awful and deserving of her anger, which it took me years to learn weren’t actually excuses because I was a CHILD and she had no right to hold shit against me. And I know the truth is that she’s never proud of me because she doesn’t actually want my success- especially not when my sister doesn’t have it. She treats me the best, the nicest, when I fail, because that’s what she wants for me, even if she pretends otherwise. She’s sick and she’s so determined to play victim for her whole fucking life that she will never NOT be sick this way.

And I’m even sicker than she is because I still try after all these years. The real definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I just keep getting my hopes up that one day, I will say the magic words that will make her actually be supportive. Like if I get a magical piece of paper to show her she’ll think I’m actually worth something, but she never will and I’m an idiot for hoping. If she hasn’t got it by now, she never will. My dad loves me for me, my brothers loves me for me, my grandma loves me for me, my aunts and uncles and cousins love me for me, my friends love me for me- it’s just my mom who can’t figure out that I’m worth more than what I can do for her.

Fuck her. I’m either going to go to grad school or I’m not, but whatever I do will be awesome. I might act or play the violin or write plays or I might study ethnomusicology, or who knows, maybe I will go through with this public health stuff. Either way I’ll be surrounded with people who actually see me for me and are capable of feeling joy at my accomplishments. Maybe I’ll stupidly keep trying to include her, but I’ll have others around me when she inevitably disappoints me yet again. And she can’t say the same because she drives everyone who might care about her away.

[nancypullen]

Whatcha’ Doing?

Biting your nails? Drinking to numb yourself? Crying into your pillow?  It’s November 4th in America and in true 2020 fashion, everything is insane.  Biden  has officially received more votes for president of the United States than any candidate in history, but because of our electoral college we still don’t have a winner.  Votes are still being counted in Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Georgia, and Nevada - all while Trump screams that he won and will take this to the Supreme Court (ya’ know, the one he stacked with unqualified but loyal judges).  HIs newest installment, Amy Coney Barrett, was one of three lawyers sent to Florida to stop vote counting in 2000 and hand the election to George W. Bush.  The other two were John Roberts and Brett Kavanaugh.  Feel like you’re being played?  And while we’re on the subject of Amy Coney Barrett - let’s discuss her lack of qualifications to sit on the highest court in our nation.

She has 2 years in private practice.

She has never tried a case.

She has never argued an appeal.

She has never argued before the Supreme Court.

Most of her private work involved civil cases, not criminal.

She has 15 years teaching experience. She did not serve as a judge until 2017. Folks, this is not a great legal mind who has earned the right to a seat on SCOTUS,  this is a minion being rewarded.  Just like the unqualified Kavanaugh who was recently blasted by attorneys and politicians because his written opinion on the court’s decision not to extend Wisconsin’s mail-in voting deadline  contained misinformation and was so poorly written and cited that it had kids in law school shaking their heads.  The only thing he needed on his resume was his loyalty to Trump and the seat was his.  Kavanaugh worked inside the George W. Bush White House and has been accused of a lot of dirty dealings.  That must have thrilled Trump.  So if this election is so close that it goes to the Supreme Court, we’re in the hands of idiots.  I’m appalled that it’s even close.  It shouldn’t be.  This was the easiest vote of my lifetime - decency or destruction.  I wanted to say decency or dumbass, but I’m a lady. Having said all of that, and freely admitting that I’m on edge, I understand that it is out of my hands.  Do I feel like rioting in the streets and demanding the return of my country’s democracy? Yep.  But I have to wait. I have to believe that as the votes are counted, goodness will prevail.  If not...well, I hear that Portugal is a lovely spot for ex-pats.  Good climate, great quality of life, low cost of living, and of course, universal healthcare.  I’ve started practicing a bit of Portuguese. Just the really important stuff, like...Onde fica a Sephora?  Where is Sephora?   I may end up a woman without a country but I’m still going to need lipstick. All kidding aside, the waiting is difficult but I’m hoping it’s worth it.  I’m hoping that votes aren’t stolen or buried, I’m hoping that the country I believed in is still there.  I envy the folks who shrug and trot on with their lives as if it doesn’t matter who is in the people’s house.  I mean, my life won’t change much either - I’m not a gay person who wants protection at work,  I’m not an immigrant, brought here as a child, hoping to contribute and become part of the beautiful American tapestry,  I’m not a young woman who wants the right to control my own body and make my own healthcare decisions,  I don’t need birth control.  I’m not a Native American who wants to protect the small pieces of sacred land that have been left to me.  I’m not a scientist who has been working around the clock for the better part of 2020 trying to save lives only to be called a fraud.  I’m not a black American who heard the president say that torch carrying white supremacists were “very fine people”.  I’m just a middle-class, middle-aged, white woman who thinks that every one of those Americans deserves to feel safe and be heard.  I’m just a citizen who thinks that every vote should count and that we should not be ruled by a loud minority.  I’m an American who thinks that children don’t belong in cages and people shouldn’t die because they don’t have insurance.  I know that I’m not wrong.

It truly is just that simple. How dare anyone claim otherwise?  I also happen to think that our leaders should be expected to tell the truth and defer to experts rather than lie and contribute to the deaths of over 230,000 Americans. The pandemic should never have reached this point.   So we wait...and wait...( a friend compared it to waiting for biopsy results) and hope that the corrupt, behind-the-scenes manipulations weren’t enough to rob us of our democracy.  We’re living through an era in American history that will be discussed for decades to come.  I will always have the comfort of knowing that I fell on the right side, the side that chose the good of the many over the bank accounts of the few.  Decency over destruction.  Kindness over selfishness.  Biden over Trump.  Maybe we’ll have a result tomorrow. Maybe we won’t know for a month.  Like everything else this year, it won’t be easy. Hang in there, keep the faith, stay safe and well. XOXO, Nancy

[empathdespoina]

The world is crazy and more of a nasty ball of negativity, anger, rage, people going psychotic onto others and being racist.

I think these last four years has taken a harder toll on others. Those who feel as if you’re being crushed by so much negativity, that life looks bleak. You’re questioning your sanity around others; especially those who spout bullshit information and you feel it true deep down inside that, what they’re saying is false information and can’t convince them of the correct information. Due to these people obsess with social media and not fact checking the implausible information or infatuated with what celebs and other things that are going on...that isn’t important to what the FUCK is truly going on in this world. That by the time you get away from this person you feel gross and disgusting on the inside and your head feels all jumble and can’t get the bs junk out of your head and driving you crazy.

Or there are times you just get that weird vibe from a person and your dog confirms it by wanting no part of that person and getting the hell away from them.

There can be times you feel anxious and way way overwhelmed that you explored by yelling and screaming at others...or run far far away from that area. There can be times when you woke up feeling great and out of nowhere you’re depress and it’s heavy on you, as if it’s a second skin. Then there are times it’s almost as if you’re under the influence of some sort of substance and yet you don’t do drugs or swore you didn’t drink THAT much. Causing you to seek therapy and psych meds to control everything to JUST GET THROUGH THE DAY.

Well here’s something to make you feel less crazy...you’re an Empath- a person gifted with the ability to feel emotion of others...including animals, plants, the planet and at times peoples’ physical pain. There’s six types of empaths that I will explain in my next post.

But I want to let you know there are other people who are empaths and know their gift and can control it...yes you can; but takes time and practice....while some have yet to figure this out and develop it or maybe you’re just reading this right now and it’s clicking for you and feels like an AHA moment.

Believe me, I felt like I was loosing my mind at times. But at the same time, I truly DO suffer from mental health issues...which I will discuss in a different post. Some empaths mental health issues can be just being swarmed with too many emotions that are not yours...you don’t know how to get rid of it yet. Or can be like me with mental health problems due to certain things in the environment you were born in or the way you were raised.

For me taking my medicine helps close out other thoughts that as I call it “my brain likes to torture me” of my anxiety and depression issues and rehash things from the past out of nowhere and next thing I know I’m spiraling down the rabbit hole of dark thoughts and hating myself. I also suffer from ADD; but there are also thoughts that this can be an effect; being an Empath that stuff, just doesn’t fill your knowledge well the right way. Just like a piece of food looks delicious to eat...yet the taste doesn’t meet your expectations and you’re looking for something else to satisfy your taste. Which would be you’re bored on what’s being taught to you...you prefer it taught a different way to make it more interesting or find something else to peek your interest.

And I can say you know if your an Empath if you can remember moments from your childhood (me I have a hard time; explain in the future), but one memory I remember as a pre-k kid...noticing my mom came home from work and had a really bad day (she was a group of the early woman to start working on the railroad with the men...and her co-workers and passengers- the asshole ones didn’t take kindly to it), so I said something stupid and silly of a song I learned in pre-k earlier that week. In a weird way it made her smile...due to singing the song and reflecting on that song now; would have no way helped her. Yet it was the thought and concern for my mom that I tried to cheer her up. Empaths ALWAYS want to cheer people up and help easy a little of that persons pain, or unfortunely take all their pain and you’re down burden with the negative stuff. Then there is a story that I don’t remember, when my younger brother was colic for a WHOLE year and drove my mom insane for his non-stop crying and couldn’t pin point what would make him feel better. He cried soo much as a baby, that he gave himself a hernia...which is pretty impressive feat for a baby. So anyway back to this story, that I don’t remember but my mom did and this shows I was using my empathic gift back then and not knowing it (even me reflecting on this was impressive for me; which I can’t be that on point as I was as a kid)...we were at McDonald’s at the drive up and mom ordered me a happy meal, as my brother is crying and screaming his head off next to me. Out of nowhere I somehow realize he was hungry and shoved a French fry in his mouth...I think this was when he was more then six months old..or time period it’s safe to give certain solid foods for babies. Now please note my brother and I are two and a half years apart. So I was still a child on not knowing what was exactly safe. Yet I figured he was hungry and shoved the French fry in his mouth...not to choke him. And he ate that piece of French fry and stopped crying. Which impressed my mother and was grateful for his crying to briefly stop.

Let me ask you this...where you ever accused as a child for being over sensative??? That you’re being too dramatic??? That you’re making a big deal out of nothing??? Well guess what that’s how empaths are before being able control their gift are at times. It’s like learning to build a dam to control things...while heavy water is washing down on you. Also do you feel more comfortable around nature and especially at ease by a body of water...even a tiny pond. And you take pleasure being around an animal or your pet(s) then people at times. Congrats you’re an EMPATH!!!

I will do my best to help you gain knowledge in this field. I will at times discuss my life, my mental health issues and how I’ve gain knowledge about being an Empath and still learning. I hope this blog will help ease you and help you have some better control in your life. When it’s honestly hard to predict what can happen seeing how 2020 with the virus turned out.

So blessed be and may the sun give you the strength to rise for the day; as the moon soothes you at night and your troubles away.

[saramelcky]

Fragments - Chapter 1

Bucky Barnes x Mom!reader

Summary: After five years since half of the universe turned to dust, Y/n is raising her child alone trying to move on her loss for the baby’s sake. After a rough morning, Y/n finds out everyone came back but when her husband sees her with a four year old girl, he leaves them forever. While trying to move on, again, Y/n and the baby meet a really kind guy but in an unfortunate situation. 

Word count: 2.8k

Chapter warnings: Language. Mention of missing limb. Abandonment. Mention of Depression.

A/N: All right, this first chapter is supposed to give a general idea of Y/n’s life after the snap (or the blip, I really don’t understand what’s the right noun for THAT) A lot happens here and I’m afraid it’s too much for a single chapter. In the next one I don’t think there will be this much time skips. I hope you’ll enjoy this chapter and the next ones too. Feedback and critique are well welcomed. Please don’t repost any of my stories without my permission but reblog if you want to!

Fragments Masterlist

“Mommy! Wake up!” A high-pitched voice burst in Y/n’s room. After some seconds she feels a little dip in her bed then a little hand shakes her shoulder

“‘Morning Grace” Y/n tightly hugs her four years old daughter “Why are you awake this early, princess?” She asks leaving kisses all over her face

“That tickles mommy!” Grace laughs squirming in Y/n’s embrace

“I wanted your hugs...and my arm hurts” she says nuzzling in her chest

Y/n sits up concerned, rolls up her daughter’s right sleeve, showing her above elbow stump

“Oh, you don’t like the new arm, do you?” She asks massaging it lightly.

Grace shakes her head

“Can you do a magic mommy?” She asks

“The one that makes me feel better!”

A smile grows on Y/n’s face

“Of course love but you have to be a good girl and stay still” she says leaving a kiss on the kid’s temple.

After a whole hour of massaging all the sore spots of the little girl, she is hungry. As Y/n is preparing pancakes, the little Grace is cuddling her stuffed bunny wandering around.

“Mommy?” Asks Grace “where’s Daddy?”

She stares at her mom waiting for an answer

“Why are you asking me this?” Y/n says feeling a knot in her throat “we already talked a lot about daddy” she feels a tear falling down her cheek and wipes it right away

“Violet always talks about her daddy at school” Grace frowns “I want my daddy back”

Flipping the last pancake, Y/n lets out a shaky breath.

“Grace put your arm on, breakfast is ready” She says trying not to cry

“NO! I WANT DADDY BACK!” Grace cries while stomping away to her bedroom.

As Y/n hears the door slamming she can’t keep it anymore and starts heavily crying.

Even if five years passed, she can’t cope with the grief and since Grace had started asking about him, she isn’t doing better.

Now sitting on the kitchen floor, she can’t stop crying and starts sobbing loudly.

She tries to stop the tears when she hears her little girl coming back after a while.

“Mommy I’m hungry” she said quietly leaning her prosthetic to her mom

Y/n stands up wiping away the last tears and helping Grace with her arm when the little girl hugs her really tight

“I love you Mommy” she says

Y/n can’t stop another sob leaving her

“I love you too...my little baby” she puts Grace on her seat to eat her breakfast while trying to fix her red and puffy face.

When she comes back her little girl is trying to put on her shoes herself struggling a bit.

“Mommy, can you help me?” The little girl asks

Y/n leans down to tie Grace’s shoes

“You know, I’m so proud of you” she says to her daughter

“Am I a grown-up now mommy?”

“Of course, you’re a big girl” Y/n says lacing up the second shoe

 Y/n stands up, takes her purse and her car keys, ready to take Grace to preschool

“Grace honey, we’re already late. Don’t you want to see Ms. Davies at school?” She tries to persuade her little girl

“Mommy I’m sorry” Grace mumbles

“For what, baby?” Y/n looks at her apprehensively

”Because I made you upset. Please don’t be upset anymore. I’m sorry” Grace puts out the cutest but saddest pout ever seen and Y/n holds and reassure her little daughter

“I won’t ever be upset anymore. I promise. You are the best girl I could ever wish for” she starts to rock her and laying little peaks on the little chubby pink cheeks that she loves so much and when everything was finally calm again, they leave home.

 “I know we’re really late, but can’t you make an exception? We had a rough morning” Y/n tries to explain her situation to the school receptionist

“I’m sorry Ms. Y/l/n, but children cannot enter in class after 9.30 am and it’s already 10:20 am. I’m really sorry ma’am”

Y/n nods, thanks the lady at the desk and finally exits the school with her daughter still in her arms

“Where are we going? I want to go to Ms. Davies” Grace wailed

“Ms. Davies is not at school, so you’re coming at work with mommy, okay?” Y/n lies

“Yaaay, will aunt Lucy be there too?” Grace yelled of joy

“Yes, but you have to be quiet you know.

After Mommy finishes her work we can go out with your auntie, alright?”

“YES!” That little girl was pure happiness even in the difficult world she was born in.

  “Hey Y/n, I see we have a guest today” Y/n turns her head to see her best friend Lucy speaking to her

“AUNTIE” Grace yelled at the top of her lungs

“Shhh! Grace, what did I say about screaming?” Y/n scolds the 4-years-old

“Oh, come on, she’s just a child. Come here little girl” Lucy says almost scolding her back while hugging her little niece.

Y/n sits at her desk rescheduling some appointments when she overhears her daughter laughing and talking to her friend

“What do you do here?” Grace asks Lucy

“You mean what’s my job here?” Lucy asks back

Grace nods with a big grin on her face

“Well, I and your mummy stay here and programs meetings for people who need to talk about problems; and when we have to do these meetings, we help the others” Lucy explains kindly

“Like superheroes?” Grace’s question puts a smile on Y/n’s face

“Exactly like superheroes! You know who works with us sometimes?” Lucy says and Grace shakes her little head

“Captain America” Lucy whispers in the kid’s ear making her smile even more than before

“Do you know him?” She asks still smiling

“Well not that much, but I see him sometimes” Grace continues to ask her things about their work and how they are helping people.

Y/n’s and Lucy are psychologists and have been working together for almost ten years. When Thanos came and half of the universe disappeared, including Jacob, they decided to help the rest of them with therapy groups and consults; even Y/n participates as a patient sometimes. They were really happy when other therapist and even psychiatrist decided to work with them creating one of the best clinics in New York. They also provided free meetings twice a month to help even more people. That’s how they tried to go on: helping others.

 After the little chat, Grace decides to play with her bunny while sitting next to Y/n.

Everyone is working hard, and Grace isn’t causing trouble yet, so everything is alright.

Then suddenly, Y/n’s phone goes off, not the office one but her private phone, she forgot to turn it off as it should be. The detail that makes her blood runs cold is that someone is calling her from her own house, that should be locked and empty.

She reluctantly takes the call hoping is just her phone glitching.

“Hello?” Y/n asks

“Hey, honey, where are you? Why you left?”

Y/n is feeling her chest tightening as she recognizes the person at the other end

“This joke isn’t funny okay? Who are you?” Her voice is shaking and Lucy can hear the distress from her desk

“What? It’s me, babe, it’s Jacob, your husband”

Y/n was shocked, it couldn’t be him, it must be some bad joke of some stupid kids

“N-no that’s impossible, you must have got the wrong number, I-I’m sorry” and she hangs up.

Turning around, a questioning look sees her waiting for an explanation

“Who was it?” Lucy asks

“I don’t know. He said...that he was Jacob. T-that can’t be, he’s gone” Y/n tries not to cry in front of her baby again on the same day

“Mommy, what’s wrong?” Grace asks

“Oh nothing, I’m fine little girl” Y/n reassures her

“Did you know the number?” Her friend questions

“It was my house telephone...but it must have been a bug or something” Y/n says

“Oh, that’s weird. You should go check anyway. I’ll cover your shift don’t worry” Lucy suggests

“I don’t know, are you sure?” She asks her friend

“Of course, Y/n! I don’t need to remember you that you actually don’t have any boss here so go check everything’s fine”

She picks up her stuff and her daughter, they enter the car and drive the longest way back home ever. Anxiety was eating her alive.

 She inspects her apartment building from the outside while keeping her girl quiet; when she sees that everything seems fine, she puts out her keys and enters. As she opens the front door, she hears a movement, someone was in her house.

Before picking something to hurt whoever was inside a voice resounds in the living room

“Y/n? Is that you?”

“Mommy I’m scared” Grace says almost crying but Y/n has already sprinted towards the voice with tears in her eyes

As the little girl follows her mom, she sees a really weird scene: her mom is hugging a familiar man, he was really similar to some of the photos Y/n showed her.

Her little stomping on the floor is catching the man’s attention

“Who’s this kid?” He asked confused

“Jacob, she’s your daughter. Y-you don’t know what happened but you...hell how do I explain this. You disappeared, it was five years ago, the day I found out we were expecting” she says while tears are freely streaming down her face

She expected a confused reaction, maybe a teary one too.

“That’s bullshit, fuck.” he curses with his hand in his hair

“What?” Y/n is disbelief “Grace, please go to your bedroom” the little girl goes away

“Who did you cheat me with?” He accused her

“Are you insane? She’s yours!” Y/n tries to convince him, but it was an unbelievable story even to her ears.

After minutes, almost hours, of fighting he leaves her. Alone again, and now she has to answer all the questions from her four years old daughter.

The call to Lucy is quick, Y/n just needs to see her, she doesn’t want to be alone.

Everyone is living something similar to Y/n’s situation but she’s missing the happiness of the moment.

As Lucy arrives, she helps her friend deciding what to do next and then offers to keep Grace with her until things settle down, Y/n is grateful for people like her and accepts.

She needs to talk more with Jacob, try to make him come back for her little girl and fix everything as five years before.

Needless to say, it is impossible, Y/n can’t even find Jacob that day and the last time she hears of him is when he sends her divorce papers.

Y/n is broken, in the inside and on the outside, some days she can’t even get up the bed, so she calls in her best friend to pay attention to Grace.

“Y/n, you can’t go on like this anymore” Lucy says as Y/n lies in bed with red and puffy eyes and heavy dark circles under them “you’re destroying yourself, and I cannot let you do it”

Y/n just turns in the bed to not face her

“You have a child for god's sake!” She shouts removing violently your duvet from the bed

Lucy knows how it feels, she didn’t lose anyone very important 5 years before but lost both of her parents back when she was just more than a teenager, she helped Y/n when Jacob disappeared but now, she can’t see her like this because he’s just an idiot.

“Now you’ll shower, you’ll have the breakfast I already cooked, and you’ll go to the park with your daughter” she asserts

Y/n just stares at her, but the cold from outside her bed makes her finally get up.

She takes almost a full hour to get out with Grace and as she steps out of her home she wants to go back, but she has to be strong, that’s what Grace deserves.

They arrive at the park after stopping at a bakery to buy some pastries. Y/n and Grace sits on a bench, eating together and cuddling a bit. At that moment Y/n forgets what happened with Jacob and only sees her happy daughter enjoining the sweets they bought before.

Y/n has finally time to see how the world changed again: there were more people around, more kids playing, more adults jogging and more animals. Grace was amazed by how many squirrels were around and when she sees a really big dog can’t stop herself to go there and pet it.

When the little girl runs back to her mom, she doesn’t see the man arriving from her left and bumps into him falling back

“O my God, are you okay little one?” The man says as he realizes what just happened

Grace starts crying and Y/n rushes to her side seeing the man kneeling down to check on her

“Grace! Crap I’m so sorry” Y/n tells him

“Oh no it’s nothing, although I’m worried about her arm it...shouldn’t be turned like that” he points to her right arm

“Shit” she curses under her breath, she detaches the prosthesis and sees the broken part. The man is still watching them as Grace stops crying

“Mommy, did I break it?” She sniffles

“It’s not a problem princess, we’ll buy another one” Y/n reassure her thinking she cannot afford a new arm, she will use the old one even if it’s too little.

“Ma’am, I’ll pay it” the man interrupts

“Oh no, you don’t have to, thank you” Y/n tells him kindly

“But I want to. I know what’s like being without it” he rolls up his tight long-sleeved jersey showing the metal arm.

That’s the moment she realizes: she looks at his face, then, again at his vibranium arm and back at his face one last time.

“You’re Bucky Barnes. Oh god. You definitely don’t need to buy it. I’m so sorry I’m bothering you” She picks her daughter up and put the broken prosthetic in her bag “you already did so much for our country and suffered so much, I don’t want to be a burden for you, god I should stop talking this fast shouldn’t I?” As Y/n finishes her sentence, she’s out of breath and makes Bucky giggles

“Paying her a new arm is not a problem at all. And you are not a burden either. I should have seen where I was going and dodge...Grace isn’t it?” You nod “Because I suffered, I know what it feels like not being able to do little things and surely a sweet girl like her should not go through all that” he says while looking at the little girl with a big smile.

Y/n is speechless, she can’t do anything but agree with him and let him pay the new arm. He decides to take them to the former Avengers tower, now functioning again as the compounds were destroyed against Thanos, to choose the new arm for Grace. She can’t believe what’s happening and why is happening to her.

 As the little Grace is amazed by the greatness of the tower, Y/n still can’t erase from her mind the little speech he gave before. He was so selfless and known his past she would have never guessed that part of him.

They arrived in this big living room where he makes the two guests sit on the couch, he leaves for a minute just to come back with a holographic projector. He puts it on the coffee table in front of the girls and a sort of catalogue shows up: there is every kind of prosthesis you can imagine, from the multitask one (with screwdrivers implanted), to the ultra-realistic one. Every kind of prosthetic shown there is a certain upgrade on Grace’s life; even the simplest one has all the joints connected to a sensor in its turn connected to her nerves by a little capsule inserted in the stump.

While getting emotional by all of this, Bucky rubs her shoulders trying to comfort Y/n

“This is what Tony wanted his technology was used to, help others. It’s the least I could do to you and to him” He says making her even more emotional.

“I...I don’t know what to say. Thanks for everything. I still think this is a dream, it’s incredible” Y/n was legitimately shaking for the emotions.

Grace, seeing Bucky so close to her Mommy, smirked and then jumped down the couch wandering a bit around leaving the two alone.

“I didn’t get your name” he says after she calmed down

“Oh, well I’m Y/n” she says before blowing her runny nose

“We should take some measurements of Grace’s stump so we can do the mould and then the arm” Bucky says looking at Y/n, who realized the girl missing

“Yeah we have a bigger problem” She says, “Where’s Grace?”.

Taglist:

@capandbuckylvr @queen-of-elves @dark-night-sky-99 @chubby-dumplin

[dylinski]

Stalker Boy

Part 2

Warnings: Angst, slow burn, anxiety, cussing

Relationships: Dylan O’Brien/Reader

Word Count: 2617

Author: @dylan-obrien-fanblog

A/N: So here’s part two. I spent roughly four and a half hours on this, but probably only actually wrote for about 1 hour. I;m actually really proud of this and excited to see what people think. (by people i mean like the 3 people who actually read my stuffs). I left it with some closure, but if ya’ll want a part 3, let me know and I’ll whip something up. Thankies. You can tell towards the end I was losing it. I wrote this having had 3 hours of sleep and I’ve been awake since 9am. it is now 9pm.

Part 1

Part 2

Reader POV

You groaned into your pillow as you laid in bed, alerting Kayla who had been passing by your room. She backpedaled and lingered in the door frame, giving you a face of contemptment. Meeting her gaze, you grunted as you threw the pillow you were holding at her head. She cackles as she jumps out of the way, picks up the pillow and then sits next to you in bed. You sit up to meet your friend, “It's been over a week! You gave him the right number, right?”

Kayla looked at you like you were insane and nodded, “Yes. I’ve told you at least a hundred times, I gave him your number.”

“But are you sure? You were drunk off your ass.”

Kayla glared at your accusation then rolled her eyes. “Yes, I was slightly inebriated, but not black out drunk. Thank you very much.” Kayla then stood up and sashayed away as you groaned again, flopping back down into your bed. “He’ll call!” She shouted over her shoulder as she exited the room.

You laid there for a couple minutes, staring up at the ceiling, contemplating your situation and your options. You replayed the memory in your mind, trying to find the point in which you could have scared him off. Maybe you gave him your all too familiar crazed eye look, or made him feel uncomfortable at the length of time you stared at him. Could he possibly think you were in fact a crazy person by the way you fumbled your words and how you freaked out when he approached you? That had to be it. He thinks you're a nutcase and too much work. Rolling over onto your stomach, you groaned into the pillow as you buried your head in it.

“I need a distraction.” Deciding you needed to put your thoughts elsewhere, before you actually drove yourself into insanity, you hopped out of bed and left the room to go watch a movie. You passed Kayla’s room and saw her laying in bed reading some girly magazine you would never touch. Ick. “Hey,” she looked up at you, giving her attention, “you wanna watch a movie? Preferably something violent and mindless.” You gritted your teeth in a smile, hoping she would catch on to the need for distraction.

Kayla sighed and whined as she spoke, “You know I hate those kinds of movies. Can we watching something sappy? Those are the best.”

You stared down your mentally blonde friend as she was obviously oblivious to your current mental state. “Kayla. The last thing I need right now is some stupid love story to remind me of my terrible luck with guys.” “You mean guy. More specifically, the guy from the bar. What was his name again?” She laughed as she spoke, but let out a yelp as you lunged at her for the antagonization. You both laughed and giggled as you wrestled and then settled into the bed. “Honestly Y/N, don’t overthink it. Okay?” She smiled at you, making you relax.

The ease of your muscles didn’t last long as you heard your ringtone come from your room. Your body tensed and your eyes widened, pupils dilating as you stared at Kayla. She stared back in confusion, wondering why you weren’t moving. Your mind was racing and your body was frozen. Was it him? What would you say? What will he say? Why did he take so long to call? Does he want to see me again?

You realized you were wasting time and jumped up, hurdling yourself across the bed, making yourself look like a fool. You ran through the door, slamming against the wall and practically slid down the hall to your room. You grabbed your phone off your nightstand and saw an unrecognizable number. Pupils blown, you answered the call and lifted the phone to your ear. With a shaky voice you answered.

“He..hello?” There was a pause of silence that lasted less than five seconds, but felt like five million.

“Hi, I’m calling about your car’s extended warranty…”

The automated voice on the line continued as you remained silent, heart and soul completely obliterated. A rumble started in your stomach and rolled its way up your throat and to your mouth, escaping as a scream that scared Kayla shitless.

Dylan POV

Dylan stared at the picture of the girl on his phone, amazed by her beauty. He whispered her name under his breath, almost unsure that the entire encounter had even happened, his only proof that she was even real was this picture. He promised himself he would wait at least a couple days before he called, but it was getting difficult. He looked at the clock and grunted at what he saw. It had only been sixteen hours since he met her.

He opened the contact for Y/N and held his thumb above the number, hesitating to tap down on the illuminated screen. He held it there until his thumb began to ache from the uncomfortable position. Fuck it, he thought as he let the digit fall and hit the number, initiating the call. 

The phone rang four times before and automated voice bellowed through the line. “The number you have tried to reach is no longer in service or has been disconnected…” The woman in his ear continued as confusion and horror befell his mole-speckled face. 

“What the fuck?” He shouted into the phone as if the programmed voice would have the answer. He hung up the line and attempted the call a second time, achieving the same results. He drew his brows in and jutted out his jaw as rage filled his lungs. How could this happen? Y/N’s friend, whos name escaped him, must have given him the wrong number. But how? He took the phones from her when he saw her struggling and--. Shit. She had put in the first six digits to the phone number with her fumbling fingers and he had entered the last four. She must have typed them in wrong. Six numbers. That’s probably over a million different combinations.

The brunette threw his head back on the couch in defeat and whined at his predicament. How was he going to call her? He only knew her first name and there had to be millions of Y/Ns in the world, and thousands in the city alone. He slouched on the couch and hung his head holding his phone in his lap. He turned the device to face him and pulled up the picture of the angel who was now lost to him.

Four weeks later

Dylan was crossing the busy street that was crowded and full of people. In the mass sea of bodies, what he thought to be absolutely impossible was now before his eyes. Further up the block, there she was, plain as day. He shook his head, blinking his eyes rapidly to ensure he wasn’t, in fact, seeing things. The girl was sitting at a small round table for two outside of a cafe, her nose buried in a book. She couldn't be more than 100 feet away, so Dylan altered his course without hesitation and closed the distance between them. As he neared her, he was unable to tell if his heavy breathing was from the presence of the angel in front of him or that he was now moving at a much more rapid pace.

He now stood less than 15 feet away from the girl he had dreamed about almost every night since they met. At that moment he made a mental note not to tell her that to avoid sounding like a creep. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he stepped forward and placed the curve of his hand on her shoulder.

Reader POV

You had just gotten off work and found yourself craving a pastry. Although you knew you probably shouldn’t eat the sweet, work was relatively difficult, so you determined that you deserved it. You questioned whether you should stop at the shop on 9th or sit and read at the cafe on 12th. It had been a while since you were actually able to sit down and read with how crazy work had been recently. Hailing a cab, you told him the address of the cafe and slumped back into the plastic covered seat underneath you.

It took about ten minutes to reach the destination, so you paid the driver and exited the yellow vehicle and sat at your favorite table. You relaxed into the iron-wired chair and opened your book to the page you had left the story at. Before you could fully delve into the enticing tale, the waiter appeared and offered his services. You ordered a puff pastry with cherry filling and some tea. Not long after, he returned with the requested items and swiftly left to assist other customers. You took an over-exaggerated bite that was too big and felt the cherry filling stick to your face. You blushed at your lack of etiquette and self-consciously wiped the mess off your face. Sipping your tea and taking smaller bites, you buried your face in your book. 

Time and the world escaped you as you were consumed by the drama, mystery, and romance that filled the pages your eyes roamed. You were so unaware of your surroundings that when a rough hand landed on your shoulder you screamed and almost flew out of your seat. You instinctively dropped the book in your hands and used your arms to balance you, preventing the tumble to the ground.

“We gotta stop meeting like this.” A soft and smooth voice chuckled as it rolled over your shoulder and echoed through your ears. You immediately froze at the memorable sound, fearing your sound holes were betraying you. Turning frantically, you accidentally hit the man in the face with your hair, causing him to spit and claw at the strands as he flew back.

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry.” You bellowed reaching out to the disoriented face. When he found his bearings, he looked you over and began to attempt to hide the chuckle that rumbled in his throat. Your brows furrowed as anxiety saturated your already embarrassed and shocked nervous system. “What? Is there something on my face?” Your eyes filled with horror as you wiped the right corner of your mouth.

“Actually, yes.” He no longer attempted to hide the laugh as he walked up to you, less than a foot between you. He reached out to the left corner of your mouth with his right hand and wiped away the leftover pastry, which you were now undoubtedly regretting. Your lips were slightly parted by the touch and your eyes locked as he wiped away the mess. His fingers smelled of lavender and cigarettes which was surprisingly intoxicating and left you brimming with heat.

You both stood there, his fingers on your mouth and eyes locked for an unnatural amount of time, but you were the first to break the trance as you shook your head and stepped back. “What are you doing here?” You shot at him, the indignatious tone in your voice obvious.

“Well, this is a street, and I was crossing it.” He motioned to the street in front of you as if you were a child who needed visualization. The emotion that lingered in your voice was now visible on your face and the scruffy-looking man cocked his head in wonder. “What?” He bluntly asked.

“You never called me.”

Immediately a look of enlightenment fell upon his face as he palmed his forehead. He must have realized the total asshole had been for not calling and then acting like he did nothing wrong. He moved  his hand from his face to the back of his neck, almost hiding behind his raised bicep. Ignore the biceps, you’re mad. “I can explain why that never happened, which I’m completely sorry about.” You jerked your head, informing him to elaborate. “Your friend...she was drunk. I was going to wait a couple days to call you, but I couldn’t wait so I tried the next day, but I guess the number she gave me was wrong because it said it was disconnected and then I had no idea what to do because I really wanted to talk to you but I had no idea how to find you and--”

“While I would love to continue to listen to you verbal on-run sentence, it’s okay. I get it.” He smiled at your understanding and took a step closer again. “Let me see your phone. I’ll make sure you have the right number this time.” His smile showed teeth, very white and beautiful teeth that you couldn’t help but smile too. God, this man just keeps getting more and more beautiful. Even his smile is gorgeous. What the actual fuck.

He pulled the device out of his pocket, unlocked it, and handed it to you. When you opened up the contact info under your name, you were shocked to see the picture of yourself, but it was more flattering than alarming. Your eyes trailed down to the number your idiot friend had given him and you laughed. Dylan looked at you as if you had told a joke and he missed the punchline. He moved to stand next to him, a shiver shooting down your spine as your shoulders touched, and showed him the screen. “The number she gave you was close. She switched the 8 and 6, they’re in the wrong places.” 

You pulled the phone back, not breaking your contact to him, and fixed the error, then pressed the new number. Immediately the phone in your pocket began to ring and a smile of victory washed over your features. “Now you don't have any more excuses.” You handed him the phone and a look of adoration and appreciation was exhibited on his mug.

“Thanks. Besides, I won’t need any.” He winked at the end of his sentence as his previous timid trait melted away and was replaced by a cocky one.

“Look who’s being cocky.” You smirked at the mole-speckled boy, but a mixture of shock and heat permeated at his response.

“Oh you don’t know the half of it.” The brunette waggled his eyebrows at you with a crooked smile that made you want to jump his bones right then and there. But you didn't. Sadly.

In an effort to avoid mortifying yourself, you attempted an escape, “Well, it was really good to see you and I’m glad we got that all cleared up. I should really head home now, though.” Although the man was still smiling, his whisky eyes were frowning and full of sorrow. You would have given in right then and there, but self-control availed yet again.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” He asked desperately.

“As far as I know, nothing.”

“Well, I know what you're doing.” You were impressed with his wit and laughed in your chest. “You’re gonna spend the day with me.” His cocky demeanor was betrayed by his nervous eyes, but they relaxed when you smiled and nodded. As you started to leave, he shouted over to you. “I’ll call you.” 

Without hesitation, you shot him a glare that could have cut him in half were your eyes lasers. He palmed the back of his neck and nervously chuckled, but then composed himself and winked. You smiled from ear to ear and stuck your tongue at him as you turned and then headed home to first, yell at Kayla, and then freak out as you tell her everything that just happened.

Taglist: @xceafh