#last time i saw my therapist i talked about how she drives me insane but still i feel so guilty for getting mad at her because i know she

[ouchhq]

venting :-) sorry

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x11 thoughts

For an episode that ends with a journalist Ted trusts but has (understandably) recently lied to warning Ted that he’s publishing an article about his panic attacks, it was fitting that this episode seemed entirely about what all of these characters choose to tell each other. And after most of a season of television that Jason Sudeikis has described as the season in which the characters go into their little caves to deal with things on their own, it turns out they are finally able to tell each other quite a lot.

Which is good because, um, wow, a lot is going to happen in the season finale of this show!

Thoughts on the things people tell each other behind the cut!

Roy and Keeley. I absolutely loved the moment during their photoshoot in which they bring up a lot of complicated emotional things and are clearly gutted (“gutted”? Who am I? A GBBO contestant who forgot to turn the oven on?) by what they’ve heard. We already know that Keeley and Roy are great at the kinds of moments they have before the shoot begins, in which Roy builds Keeley up and tells her she’s fucking amazing. From nearly the beginning of their relationship, they’ve supported each other and been each other’s biggest fans. But their relationship has gone on long enough that they’ve progressed from tentative arguments about space and individual needs into really needing to figure out what they mean to each other and how big their feelings are and what that means in relation to everything else. Watching these two confess about the uncomfortable kiss with Nate, the unexpectedly long conversation with Phoebe’s teacher, and—most painfully—the revelation that Jamie still loves Keeley didn’t feel like watching two people who are about to break up. (Although I could see them potentially needing space from each other to get clarity.) It felt like watching two people realize just how much they’d lose if they lost each other, which is an understandably scary feeling even—or especially—when you’re deeply in love but not entirely sure what the future holds. Not entirely sure what you’re capable of when you’ve never felt serious about someone in quite this way, and are realizing you have to take intentional actions to choose that relationship every single day. I’m excited to learn whether Roy and Keeley decide they need to solidify their relationship more (not necessarily an engagement, but maybe moving in together or making sure they’re both comfortable referring to the other as partner and telling people they’re in a committed relationship) or if things go in a different direction for a while.

Sharon and Ted. I’ve had this feeling of “Wow, Ted is going to feel so intense about how honest he’s been with Sharon and is going to end up getting really attached and transfer a lot of emotions onto the connection they have and that is stressful no matter how beneficial it has been for him to finally get therapy!” for a while now. And Sharon’s departure really brought that out and it was indeed stressful. But the amount of growth that’s happened for both of these characters is really stunningly and beautifully conveyed in this episode. Ted is genuinely angry she left without saying goodbye, and he doesn’t bury it some place deep inside him where it will fester for the next thirty years. He expresses his anger. (I also noticed he sweared—mildly—in front of her again, which is really a big tell for how much he has let his carefully-constructed persona relax around her.) He reads her letter even though he said he wasn’t going to, and he’s moved. I don’t think Ted has the words for his connection to Sharon beyond “we had a breakthrough,” but Sharon gets it, and is able to firmly assert a professional boundary by articulating her side of that breakthrough as an experience that has made her a better therapist. And is still able to offer Ted a different kind of closure by suggesting they go out before her train leaves. No matter how you feel about a patient/football manager seeing their therapist/team psychologist colleague socially, I appreciated this story because IMO it didn’t cross big lines but instead was about one final moment in this arc in which both Ted and Sharon saw each other clearly and modeled what it is to give someone what they need and to expect honesty and communication from them. I liked that Ted ends up being the one saying goodbye. (The mustache in the exclamation points!) I like that whether or not Sharon returns in any capacity (Sarah Niles is so wonderful that I hope she does, but I’m not sure), the goodbye these characters forge for themselves here is neither abandonment nor a new, more complicated invitation. It’s the end of a meaningful era, and although the work of healing is the work of a lifetime, it’s very beautiful to have this milestone.

Ted and Rebecca. So, maybe it’s just me, but it kinda feels like these two have a few li’l life things to catch up on?! (HAHHHHHaSdafgsdasdf!) I really adored their interactions in this episode. I maintain that Biscuits With The Boss has been happening this whole time (even when Ted’s apartment was in shambles, there’s biscuit evidence, and I feel like we’ve been seeing the biscuit boxes in Rebecca’s office pretty regularly too), even if it might have been more of a drive-by biscuit drop-off/feelings avoidance ritual. It was really lovely to see Ted on more even footing in Rebecca’s office, joking around until she tells him to shut up, just like the old days. And GOSH—for their 1x9 interaction in Ted’s office to be paralleled in this episode and for Ted to explicitly make note of the parallel in a way Rebecca hears and sees and understands?! MY HEART. In both of Rebecca’s confessions, she is not bringing good news but it is good and meaningful that she chooses to share with Ted. In both situations, Ted takes the moment in stride and offers acceptance equivalent to the gravity of what she has to confess. And in both situations, he’s not some kind of otherworldly saint, able to accept Rebecca no matter what because he’s unaffected by what she shares. He is affected. When he tells her about Sam, you can see a variety of emotions on his face. Rebecca is upset and Ted is calm, and even if I might have liked for him to try to talk about the risk the affair poses to the power dynamics on the team or any number of factors, I also really liked that he just accepts where she is, and—most importantly—does not offer her advice beyond examining herself and taking her own advice. A massive part of being in a relationship with another person (a close relationship of any nature) is figuring out how to support that person without necessarily having to be happy about every single thing they do. It’s so important that Ted connects what she’s just told him about Sam back to what she told him last season about her plot with the club. These both feel like truth bombs to him, and he is at least safe enough to make that clear. These are both things that impact him, things that shape how he sees her and maybe even how he sees himself. He cares about her and is capable of taking in this information; he has room for it. But it’s not something he takes lightly, and neither does she. See you next year.

Tumblr user chainofclovers and the TV show Ted Lasso. My brain is going wild thinking about all the ways the next “truth bomb” conversation could go in 3x11 or whatever. Maybe they go full consistent parallel and Rebecca confesses something else, this time about her and Ted or some other big future thing that impacts him as much or more as the other confessions have. (The same but different.) Maybe the tables turn and Ted has something to confess to her. While the 1x9 conversation ended in an embrace and the 2x11 conversation ended with a bit more physical distance (understandable given the current state of their relationship and the nature of the discussion), the verbal ending of both conversations involved voices moving into a sexier lower register while zooming in to talk specifically about their connection to each other, so I have to assume there will be some consistencies in s3 even if the circumstances will be completely different. I don’t really know where I’m going with this and I obviously will go insane if I sustain this level of anticipatory energy until Fall 2022 but I have a feeling my brain and heart are going to try!

Sam and Rebecca. I know there’s been a lot of criticism about whether this show is being at all realistic about the power dynamics and inevitable professional issues this relationship would create. On some level, I agree; I like that pretty much everyone who knows about the affair has been kind so far, but you can be kind and still ask someone to contend with reality. But I also think that in nearly every plot point on this show, the narrative is driven by how people feel about their circumstances first and foremost. (It’s why the whiteboard in the coaching office and the football commentators tell us more about how the actual football season is going from a points perspective than anyone else.) This episode reminded me how few people know about Sam and Rebecca, and how much their time together so far has been time spent in bed. The private sphere. I thought this episode really expertly brought the public sphere into it, not—thank goodness—through a humiliating exposure or harsh judgment but through an opportunity for Sam that illustrates not only all his potential to do great things but how much Rebecca’s professional position and personal feelings are in conflict with that. Could stand in the way of that. I don’t have a strong gut feeling about where this will go, but I do think Sam’s face in his final scene of this episode is telling. He started the episode wanting to see Rebecca (his most recent text to her was about wanting to connect), and Edwin’s arrival from Ghana really exploded his sense of what is possible for his life. If he’d arrived home to Rebecca sitting on his stoop prior to meeting Edwin, he’d have been delighted. Now he’s conflicted, and whatever decision he makes, he has to reckon with the reality that he cannot have everything he wants. No matter what. And Rebecca—she has taken Ted’s advice and is attempting to be honest about the fact that she can’t control Sam’s decisions but hopes he doesn’t go, and even saying that much feels so inappropriate. And I’m not sure how much she realizes about the inappropriateness of the position she’s putting him in, although maybe she’s getting there considering she exits the scene very quickly. I’ve honestly loved Rebecca’s arc this season. I think it’s realistic that she got obsessed with the intimacy she thought she could find in her phone. I think it’s realistic that her professional and personal ambitions are inappropriately linked. (They certainly were for Rupert. It’s been years since she’s known anything different; even if she’s done some significant recovery work to move on from her abusive marriage and figure out her own priorities, she’s got a long way to go.) I know there are people who will read this interaction between Rebecca and Sam as a totally un-self-aware thing on the part of “the show” or “the writers” but what I saw is two people who enjoyed being in bed together and now have to deal with the reality that they’re in two different places in their lives and that one has great professional power over the other. If that wasn’t in the show, I wouldn’t be able to see it or feel so strongly about it.

Edwin and Sam. I really enjoyed all the complexities of this interaction. Edwin is promising a future for Sam that doesn’t quite exist yet, though he has the financial means to make it happen. He offers this by constructing for Sam a Nigerian—and Ghanaian—experience unlike anything he’s found in London. Sam is amazed that this experience is here, and Edwin’s response is to explain to him that the experience is not here. Not really. The experience in Africa. Sam has of course connected to the other Nigerian players on the team, but this is something else entirely. I’m really curious if Sam is going to end up feeling that what Edwin has to offer is real or not. That sense of home and connection? So real. And so right that he would want to experience that homecoming and would want to be part of building that experience for others. But at the end of the day, he went to a museum full of actors and a pop-up restaurant full of “friends,” and is that constructed authenticity as a stand-in for a real homecoming more or less real than the home he’s building in Richmond? (With other players who stand in solidarity with him, and with well-meaning white coaches who say dumb stuff sometimes, and an a probably-doomed love interest, and a feeling that he should put chicken instead of goat in the jollof, and the ability to stand out as an incredible player on a rising team.)

Nate and everyone. But also Nate and no one. Nate’s story is so painful and I’m so anxious for next week’s episode. For a long time I’ve felt that a lot of Nate’s loyalties are with Richmond, and a lot of his ambitions are around having given so much to this place without getting a lot back, and having a strong feeling that he’s the answer to Richmond’s future. But now I’m not so sure; his ambitions have transferred into asking everyone he knows (except Ted, of course), if they want to be “the boss.” But Nate is all tactics and no communication. When he wants to suggest a new play to Ted, he hasn’t yet learned to read Ted’s language to learn that Ted is eager to hear what he has to say. And while Ted has been really unfortunately distracted about Nate and dismissive of him this season, he clearly respects Nate’s approach to football and was appreciative of the play. Nate just can’t hear that. The suit is such a great metaphor of all the things Nate is in too much pain to be able to hear clearly. Everyone digs at him for wearing the suit Ted bought him (including Will, who’s got to get little cuts in where he can, because he’s got to be sick of the way Nate treats him), but when he gets fed up his solution isn’t to go out on his own and find more clothes he likes; he asks Keeley to help him. And then crosses a major line with her...and no matter how kind she was about it, she was clearly not okay. Everything is going to blow up, and I’m so curious as to whether Nate will end up aligning himself with Rupert in some way or if he’s going to end up screwed over by Rupert and in turn try to screw over his colleagues even worse than he’s already done. Or try desperately to make amends even though it could be too late for some. Either way, I’m fully prepared to feel devastated. (And there’s no way I’m giving up on this character. If he’s able to learn, I truly believe he could end up seeking forgiveness and forging a happier existence for himself. Someday. Like in season 3 or something.)

Ted and Trent. Trent deciding to reveal his source to Ted is a huge deal, and I’m torn between so many emotions about this exposé. I’m glad it’s a Trent Crimm piece and not an Ernie Loundes piece. I’m glad that Trent made the decision to warn Ted and let him know that Nate is his source. I fear—but also hope—that this exposure will set off a chain reaction of Ted learning about some of the things he’s missed while suffering through a really bad bout with his dad-grief and panic disorder. The things Ted doesn’t know would devastate him. I wonder if Ted will want to figure out a way to make Nate feel heard and reconcile with him, and I wonder how that will be complicated if/when he realizes Nate has severely bullied Will, gets more details on how he mistreated Colin, etc. I wonder if Rebecca, whom Nate called a “shrew” right before she announced his promotion, will be in the position of having to ask Ted to fire him, or overriding Ted and doing it herself. So many questions! I have a feeling it’ll go in some wild yet very human-scaled, emotionally-nuanced direction, and I’ll be like “Oh my GOD!” but also like “Oh, of course.”

This VERY SERIOUS AND EMOTIONAL REVIEW has a major flaw, which is that none of the above conversations include mention of the absolute love letter to N*SYNC. Ted passionately explains how things should go while dancing ridiculously! Will turns on the music and starts gyrating! Roy nods supportively! Beard shouts the choreography like the Broadway choreographer of teaching grown men who play football how to dance like a boy band. Everyone is so incredibly proud when they nail it. I love them.

I cannot believe next week is the end. For now. I’m kind of looking forward to letting everything settle during the hiatus, but I’ve really loved the ride.

[official-weasley]

Meant to Be (Charlie Weasley x OC)

What happens when Bill brings home a girl and Charlie is completely awestruck by her?

WARNINGS: cursing, mentions of alcohol, struggling with self-love, emotional self-destructive behavior, and mentions of mental health problems

Chapter 19

Rhylee

“I am so glad that you’re a Muggle-born.” I shifted on my heel, turning away from the mirror to Lyla who was laying in her bed, her head resting on her crossed arms, her eyes on me.

“I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me.” Confusion creased her face. “It’s supposed to be a compliment, right?”

“Yes.” I grinned at her. “If you weren’t Muggle-born, you wouldn’t know about therapy, and the therapist you recommended me might have just saved my life.” By inhaling sharply I turned back to the mirror and stared at my figure.

“It’s been all you, darling. You have to want help to actually gain something from therapy.” I locked my eyes with hers in the mirror.

I loved nothing more than her friendly smile. She was the best friend I could ask for and I am the luckiest person alive for her not to give up on me.

“I know.” I turned around to look at my arse.

“Can you stop checking yourself out in the mirror? The dress looks great on you!” She rolled her eyes at me.

“I don’t know.” I pouted. “Perhaps the blue one would be better.”

“You do realize that we have been doing nothing else but picking your dress for the last two days.” She smirked at me.

“Don’t give me that face! I’m nervous, okay!” I stomped my foot against the floor as if angry.

In reality, I was just hoping to calm down my nerves.

“It’s time to move on, Rhylee. You said it yourself that your therapist said it’s time you forgive yourself.” She stood up and took the blue dress which was hanging over the dresser door and took it off the hanger. “But just in case, try this one again.” She winked.

I appreciated how supportive she was. She was all I had left.

I was such a mess. I still can’t believe that I let myself get so low. I hit rock bottom and then went even deeper. It’s a miracle what 6 months of therapy can do for a person. How do wizards not have that!

Perhaps, they are afraid of the pain that it brings. Because it was painful. Especially the first few sessions when the therapist is getting to know you and you start figuring out what your problem is. I knew what it was. I just couldn’t get over it.

Everybody telling me it was an accident doesn’t just make the guilt disappear. It doesn’t make you feel better. You don’t just forget about it. When you do what I did, you don’t just move on. But as I learned from my sessions, you can’t blame yourself forever either. Forgiveness and loving myself was something that was missing from my life.

It’s crazy to think that so many people around you keep telling you that it wasn’t your fault and that you can’t just go around and search for things that will make you miserable just to punish yourself and you never believe them and always brush it off. But when you hear it from someone specialized to tell you things like this, you suddenly think that maybe, just maybe all your friends were right.

Of course, it didn’t happen overnight and I even tried convincing Dr. Whitmoore that I will never stop blaming myself for what happened in my seventh year at Beauxbatons but I got there…eventually.

“So what are you going to say to him?” Lyla asked as she zipped the dress for me.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” I bit my cheek. “I don’t even know if he’ll want to talk to me.”

“Right.” She raised her eyebrows at me and laid back on her bed. “Are we going to go through this again?”

“I’m serious! I’m just going there to celebrate the love between two people.” I finally stopped looking at myself in the mirror.

I still don’t know which dress to pick.

“Mhm.” Lyla nodded once. “Let’s pretend that you have been picking out a dress for this wedding because you want to be there for Bill when he says his ‘I do’ with his future wife.”

“It’s…the main reason.” I proudly lifted my chin.

“Stop lying to yourself, love. This is all about Charlie Weasley.” She sent me a wink, got up, and went to the bathroom.

She was right. It was all about Charlie. There is no point in denying it any further. It has been all about him ever since Bill brought me home to meet his family for Christmas. I still remember the moment we were introduced as if it was yesterday.

He enchanted me the moment I sat down opposite him. With his smile and eyes full of passion about the creatures we both worked with. I know he wasn’t doing it on purpose but he was so flirty. With his eyes, his gestures. I just couldn’t stop staring at him.

And the feeling, the feeling I got while talking to him. I never felt that before and it was so strange. I knew Bill for years and here I was talking to his younger brother and it was as if someone ignited a fire between us. And the strangest part was that I am certain he felt it too.

The second I allowed the feeling to overwhelm me, fill my body with energy like nothing ever did before, my past came back to haunt me. I couldn’t sleep that night. The nightmares came back. Sweat running down my temples. I was glad Ginny was a heavy sleeper, she would think I was insane. Nobody in England knew my secret. It was the reason I ran away.

I buried the feelings, guilt and constant need to punish myself, make myself suffer and got the job at Gringotts. I was doing great for 3 years. I was quite proud of myself. I wasn’t hurting anyone and I didn’t let anyone get too close to me.

I allowed myself a fling here and there and I was happy with the way my life was. I could totally see myself doing this for the rest of my life and I was completely fine with it.

I was lying to everybody including myself when I said I didn’t know Bill fancied me but I ignored it, hoping he would move on if I seemed uninterested. Not that I wouldn’t want to date him. Are you serious, it’s Bill freaking Weasley, who wouldn’t want to date him!

But I made a promise to myself. I couldn’t. I knew what a good guy he was and I couldn’t allow myself to be happy. I didn’t deserve it.

I never expected him to get hurt because of my foolishness. Getting drunk and having sex with Charlie was a big mistake that I shouldn’t have allowed. Not that it wasn’t good, damn it was great and I let myself go and forgot about everything just for one night. Charlie had that effect on me. He made me forget about my worries and my troubles, even if just for a little while.

And how stupid it was of me to flirt with him the morning after and telling him it wasn’t just a one-night stand. What was I thinking! I should’ve just ignored the situation and moved on. But I couldn’t and I hated that I couldn’t. Something was pulling me closer to him. The curiosity of getting to know him better. To hear him talk about dragons. To feel his touch again. His lips against mine. His breath on my skin.

I had zero control over myself and I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. Of course, the aftermath was something I didn’t expect. Bill asking me out was the last thing I wanted and then I was stupid enough to tell him I slept with his brother. The look on his face, telling me just how much I hurt him broke my heart.

I broke my promise of not hurting anyone and everything from my past came rushing back up. I didn’t dare to ask Bill if he and Charlie talked about the whole situation. I was even surprised when only a month later Bill started speaking to me again. I definitely thought I didn’t deserve that.

After that, things calmed down again and I hoped that I could put it all behind me again. I bottled everything down before, I can do it again, right?

Wrong.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Charlie and it was driving me mad. Lyla, Lizzie, and I got drunk one night and they teased me and said that I should go work in Romania to be with him. My dumb arse actually wrote an application and we sent it that night. The second I realized what I have done in the morning I applied for the American Sanctuary too to calm the guilty feeling in my chest.

I can’t be trusted when I’m drunk. I relax too much and forget about my past and make mistakes like having sex with Charlie at the Burrow and then my actions hurt people and I feel even worse.

But the second I got the reply, seeing how excited they were to work with me I got so conflicted. They were offering me my dream job but I wanted to stop myself from accepting it because I knew Charlie worked there. I couldn’t face him, not even after more than a year.

However, I couldn’t get rid of the feeling the excitement brought me either. I just had to see him again. I wanted to talk to him and tell him everything. I accepted the job anyway, despite my better judgment. I was selfish, I know that now. I should never have done it, my mind being in a state as it was back then.

I don’t think I was ever so nervous as I was when I was standing in front of the Sanctuary gate. I tried calming myself down by thinking that perhaps I will work in an entirely different section than him and we even won’t see each other.

I couldn’t believe how wrong I was when I saw him approaching the gate. I wanted to apparate away, be swallowed by the ground below me, be fed to a dragon. I knew I made another mistake the second I saw the look on his face.

I know he wasn’t expecting me to stand there, how could he. It pained me to know that he wasn’t exactly happy to see me but at the same time, it gave me confidence. Perhaps, we can work side by side with each other and simply be friends.

The fact that I am never right about these things and usually the opposite happens could already tell me that it was only going to go downhill from there.

I tried staying away from him but I was pushing myself into him just as much. I just couldn’t help myself. In a different life, if I wasn’t as fucked up as I was, we could’ve been so happy together. I knew that and it hurt so much knowing that. What hurt, even more, was the look in his eyes every time we exchanged looks.

I knew how he felt, I knew he was falling for me and it was wrong. It was so wrong and I felt so helpless knowing I can’t do anything about it because I felt the exact same way. I was falling for him so fast that I didn’t even have the time to stop myself and at some point, I simply gave up trying.

The fact that everything that was happening between us was happening while I had a boyfriend waiting patiently for me to visit him once every 14 days made me an even worse person. I never wanted any of it to happen.

I knew I did the right thing finally giving in to all the nagging and going out with Nick. He was the only man I saw a future with because I knew how wrong he was for me but it was exactly what I deserved. An idiot without an ounce of empathy or feelings for anyone else but himself. For me, it was a match made in heaven and I knew that nobody would understand why I thought so.

I knew what I deserved. I wanted to be punished. I wanted bad things to happen to me so I could finally redeem myself for what I have done all those years ago. But nobody understood why I was doing it. Why be with a guy who doesn’t even make you happy instead of someone loving and kind?

Lyla got into so many fights with me over this. Many more than Charlie did. I know he couldn’t wrap his head around it. He caught me crying so many times because of Nick, because of my guilt, because of his gestures that told me just how much he cared for me.

And what did I do? I got drunk and had sex with him. Way to go, Rhylee! Way to break so many hearts, you idiotic bitch!

That night we spent together was the most beautiful night of my life. It showed me how happy I could be with him. How much joy he could bring me. He showed me my future with him and all I could think about was how wrong it was. How I have to run away from everything. What a horrible person I was to do this to him.

There was a moment when I thought about telling him everything but stopped at the last second. Truth be told, there were many moments like this and he knew it. He knew I had so many things I wanted to say to him but simply couldn’t. I was a coward, locked inside a loop of my own mind.

What I did at Beauxbatons was still haunting me at the time. The fact that everybody forgave me haunted me. That I begged the Ministry to send me to Azkaban and they laughed at my plea, telling me that people don’t go to prison for making a simple mistake.

That’s what they called it. A simple mistake.

A simple mistake that almost ruined my life and because of which I made so many people around me suffer. They just didn’t see it as I did and I knew they never would. But did that give me closure? Did that make me stop feeling sorry for myself and move on with my life?

No.

I was determined that if they weren’t going to punish me and lock me up, I will do it to myself. I wanted to completely destroy my life for it and be miserable as much as I can be. I will date a guy I know doesn’t love me and pretend I can’t hear the screaming voice inside my head telling me to be with Charlie because he’s the one.

He has been from the moment we shook hands and started talking about dragons.

I closed all the doors that could bring me happiness. I tried so hard to stay away yet I couldn’t. Yet I hurt him and Bill and even Nick in the process. They all suffered because I wanted to bring pain to myself.

How fucked up is that?

All because I just couldn’t stay away. No matter how destructive my mind was, no matter how much I was telling myself that I don’t deserve someone like Charlie, my body and my heart were guiding me right to him and I didn’t have the strength to stop it.

A few weeks after I told Nick and he told me that I have to stay away from Charlie, something broke in me. I couldn’t do it anymore. I made Charlie so miserable and my heart shattered every time I saw him. The longing in his eyes to save me. To do something to make me feel better.

I was completely aware of the fact that I let myself go. I isolated myself, barely ate anything, and tried to work on Kyan’s case so that I would do one thing right in my fucking pathetic life.

I was naïve to think that would do the trick. That Charlie would finally let me go. Move on. Find a nice girl and settle down with her. Be happy. That’s what he deserved. That’s what I wanted for him, ignoring the fact that I wanted to be his girl more than I wanted anything in my entire life.

But he didn’t. He didn’t want to give up on me.

So I did the only thing I thought would help him move on. I left. I didn’t want to, but I did. The second Nick opened the door, me standing there with all my bags, I knew what a mistake I’ve made.

For the first time in years, I thought that perhaps I suffered enough. Perhaps it was time to stop tormenting myself. I made a decision to stay overnight and then go back to the Sanctuary and beg Peter for my job back.

That night we fought and I suddenly started to feel dizzy and everything turned black. I woke up at St Mungo’s the next day and all my plans to return to Romania fell through when the healers told me I was pregnant.

I knew I couldn’t run now. I sealed my destiny and serves me right for doing so. I brought it on myself and since I was so convinced that I deserve a life full of misery the pregnancy was just perfect. Ironic but perfect.

I didn’t expect Charlie to come to the trial. I hoped he wouldn’t come. I just left without saying goodbye and I thought that would make him mad enough for never wanting to talk to me again. But there he was and he stopped me from fleeing.

He kept pressuring me to tell him the truth. I hated how well he could read me. How well he knew I was lying and yet I fed him more lies. I already knew the pain that he must’ve felt at that moment. How confused he must’ve been for me just disappearing, for acting like I don’t care about him.

I know he needed answers and Merlin knows he deserved them more than anyone but I couldn’t. I needed him to move on. It was too late for the whole truth. It wouldn’t have done either of us any good. I was carrying Nick’s baby and there was nothing he could do about that.

If I wasn’t pregnant I know I would’ve told him everything. I wanted to return to the Sanctuary for him for fuck’s sake. But it was too late now and he needed to know that so I told him about the baby. Just reminiscing on it makes me want to throw up. The pain in his eyes when he was trying to comprehend what came out of my mouth.

The painful goodbye when he wished for me to have a good life, knowing full well that it’s probably the last time he will ever hold me in his arms. It was good closure in a fucked up kind of way. If someone with so many mental issues wrote a fairytale I am certain it would make perfect sense.

I was fighting every muscle in my body not to go after him once he started to walk away. I knew that was it. He finally did it. He is going to move on and be happy. I regretted putting him through what I did, I still do. But at least he will be able to forget about me by hating me. It was for the best.

He deserves so much better than me. Someone who will love him unconditionally and bring a smile to his face and flutter the butterflies in his stomach not put him through the shit I put him through.

I finally got what I wanted. The punishment I thought I deserved. All my self-destructive behavior finally paid off. I was pregnant and living with a man that I despised. Welcome to my bloody fairytale!

If it wasn’t for Lyla, being the best friend she is, I would probably do much worse than hurt myself mentally. She was the one that opened my eyes and got me a therapist without even asking about my opinion.

After my first session, I decided to tell her everything. What I did, what Dr. Whitmoore and I talked about. Everything. We cried, sitting on her bed for hours. She couldn’t believe I hated myself so much to do these things to myself but in the end, she told me she understood why I tried so desperately to punish myself.

I felt relief knowing she understood and still wanted to be my friend. I was so lucky to have her. I don’t even want to think where I would be if it wasn’t for her.

A/N: I know that what Rhylee is dealing with can't be solved with 6 months worth of therapy as is stated in the story. I needed to fit it in the timeline to align everything with Bill's wedding and is the only reason why I picked 6 months. One of my best friends has a Ph.D. in psychotherapy and she told me that with everything Rhylee has been through (to be revealed in tomorrow's chapter) it is very unrealistic that she would be as fine as I wrote her to be - I am fully aware of that. I apologize if I made anyone uncomfortable with it or if anyone finds it offensive in any way.

[eyeofthedrgn]

A Heavy Battle Symphony Chapter 8

Catch up here >> AHBS Masterlist

TW: language, mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, violence, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, self harm, self-esteem issues, sexual abuse (only alluded to briefly in future chapters), drinking (comes up late in the story) just a lot of trauma, angst, smut - lots of lovely gay smut

Word count: 1739

Notes: This chapter is slightly graphic on the physical abuse. It's only like two lines, but I wanted to make it known.

Chapter 8 - Sorry for Now

After a while you may forget

But just in case the memories cross your mind

You couldn't know this when I left

Under the fire of your angry eyes

I never wanted to say goodbye

Four months, thirteen days, and ten hours, not that he was counting, since he left. Since the dark haired boy had walked away, leaving Rowan standing on the sidewalk. Since his mind spiraled out of control, and it felt like part of him died.

Rowan had been seeing a therapist for the last three months. It had helped, somewhat. At least he could function as a relatively normal human being again, when he was around people anyway. Most of the time. He almost didn't graduate. Thankfully, his mom, his friend group, and his therapist had helped him get through it.

But all in all, Rowan felt empty. Somehow his heart was broken. He hadn't realized someone could get so attached to someone so fast even though they never really talked or hung out. Maybe it was because they shared such vulnerabilities with each other that day in the park or there really was such a thing as a soulmate and his just left him. Either way, he was broken inside. Yet, he still went to parties with his friends, hung out, but he wasn't always present. Everyone noticed the vacant stares, but they usually left it alone. They all knew the general gist of what happened that day, but they could never understand the emotional gravity well that that day had caused. No one knew that Rowan had fallen for the other boy.

Except the ever observant Elide. She noticed everything. The way Rowan spoke about Lorcan, the way his eyes lit up when he saw the other boy walking down the hall, and the small looks they both shared on cast signing day.

But nobody had seen Lorcan after he had walked away. He never came back to school. No one knew what to think. Most assumed they moved again and they left it at that. Rowan assumed the worst after seeing Lorcan's bruises and him basically saying this was a usual occurrence.

Rowan was brought back to the present when a beach ball hit him in the head. He was sitting on the edge of Aelin's pool, sulking, feet dangling in the water. Aelin was throwing one of her parties, it was nearly the end of summer and soon most of them would head off to college. The noises from his friends finally filtering back into his head, it was suddenly too loud, too bright, and too hot. He ran a hand down his face.

Fenrys had been the beach ball throwing culprit, Rowan just glared at him.

"Come on, Ro. Try and have some fun?" Fen had swam over to Rowan and crossed his arms over the edge of the pool. The roguish blond just wanted him to be happy.

“I’m sorry.” He said that a lot now. Fenrys just raised an eyebrow at the boy… man.

He was eighteen now and he wasn't that scrawny, nerdy looking boy anymore. Rowan supposed that was one good thing that came out of Lorcan leaving, he got addicted to working out. There was a punching bag set up in the garage with some weights. He was fit now, muscles defined, but not bulky.

Elide walked up and mussed up his hair. "Come help me get some drinks." She didn't leave any room for argument.

In the kitchen, Elide just leaned forward on the island and looked at Rowan.

"I thought we were getting drinks."

"Yeah, we will. But-"

"But what?" He really didn't mean to say that with such an attitude, but he was hot and emotionally exhausted. Honestly, he just wanted to go home.

Elide was on her phone, waiting for him to chill. Taking a deep breath he said, "I'm sorry. What did you want to talk about?" Rowan was trying, he really was. She just slid her phone over the counter towards him. He furrowed his brows as he looked at the article on the screen.

Consultants for Erawan Enterprises arrested on counts of fraud, child abuse, human trafficking, and other illicit activities

"What's this?" He had no idea what this was about. Why would he care about Erawan Enterprises?

He picked up the phone and kept reading since Elide clearly wasn’t going to answer. It was short and there was a photo of a devastatingly beautiful woman with dark as night hair, that reminded him of Lorcan, and alabaster skin in handcuffs being pushed into a cop car and a very angry man shoved against the hood of the same car.

Maeve Valgerian and James Perrington were arrested Wednesday night. After some anonymous tips to the Morath Police.

"Who are these people?" Rowan didn't understand.

"Pretty sure she's Lorcan's aunt."

Oh.

Rowan had searched for Lorcan online after he disappeared, but there was literally nothing. Absolutely zero results. It was like he was a ghost.

They were consultants for Erawan Enterprises and moved all over the world for the very powerful man. Erawan Enterprises is under investigation for fraud, money laundering, and human trafficking.

After Valgerian and Perrington were arrested, MPD searched their residence and found incriminating evidence against them.

There was also a teenager held captive in the basement. They were taken to the nearest hospital with severely critical injuries. The name and gender of this individual will not be released for their safety.

The article was published nearly two months ago.

Human trafficking…

Held captive...

Severely critical injuries...

"Please, don't break my phone." He was squeezing the device and didn't realize it. Quickly handing it back to her, his hand went straight to his hair.

“Are you sure this is his aunt?”

“Well, not 100%, but they have physical similarities and their hair…” she trailed off. “And Lorcan had mentioned his aunt’s boyfriend living with them one day in class.”

"Fuck!" He felt like he wanted to rip his hair out.

"Ro." Elide's voice was quiet.

"FUCK!"

After a couple deep breaths, he ran his hands down his face, and then turned to face his friend. "Is he dead?" His voice cracked.

"I don't know. All of the other articles I could find are just about them and Erawan Enterprises. No mentions of Lorcan. Anywhere. It's like he doesn't exist."

Elide pulled him into a hug and he broke.

---

Lorcan had been through shit show after shit show since he left the Whitethorn house. As soon as he returned to the apartment, it was packed up into a moving van and they were gone.

They were in Fenharrow for a couple months. Maeve didn't enroll him in school. He was locked in the basement of the small house they rented, it felt like he had gone crazy. He hadn't seen the sun until they moved again. His skin turned a sickly gray. By the time they moved again, he could feel every one of his ribs, and his hips stuck out, his fingers overlapping when wrapped around his wrist.

Next move was to Morath. Lorcan didn't know if he would survive. He didn’t have a good feeling about this place. The basement became his home yet again. It was filthy. There were thick iron hooks in opposite walls and chains hanging from them. This was where he was going to die. He closed his eyes as Perrington latched the shackles around his wrists.

---

One day, Lorcan heard sirens intermittently. He kept passing out. He wasn't even sure he was hearing sirens or if it was just a ringing in his ears. They were always ringing nowadays. A punch to his face made his vision flicker. Blood and saliva leaked from his mouth as his head rolled down to his chest.

The ringing in his ears got louder. There definitely weren't sirens. No one was going to save him. He was going to die here. He knew it. It was what he deserved. The bastard born half-breed that no one cared about, left to die in his own filth in a disgusting basement. The world slowly faded to black.

---

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

He was in Hel. He had to be.

Beep.

The incessant beeping was there to drive him insane. And the smell of bleach was there to make him sick.

Beep.

---

Lorcan startled awake. How could he be awake? He was supposed to be dead. Right?

The nightmare he was having felt so real. Probably because he had lived it before. He assumed that was just what Hel was supposed to be, reliving the worst parts of your life.

But instead, he was in a bed, a hospital bed. Why did they save him? Lorcan wasn't worth saving. Yet, here he was covered in wires, tubes, a needle stuck in his hand, a device on his finger. It was dark outside and the lights were dim in the room.

Deciding he wasn’t actually dead, he took stock of his body, he was certain he had some broken ribs, but nothing else seemed to be broken which was surprising. He was definitely sore and stiff. And exhausted. So exhausted.

---

After… Lorcan didn't know how long he was discharged. He had put on some weight, though not a lot. The staff made sure he ate. They were all nice and cared for him. But now, he stood outside the main entrance of the hospital in some scrubs they gave him. Now, he had nothing. Nobody. He may as well have been lost at sea.

Why had they saved him? He still couldn’t figure that out.

Somehow, he managed to find the small house that he had been stuck in for who knows how long. There was police tape over the door. The door was open.

He pushed through the tape. The house was a mess. It seemed the cops had ransacked the place. But he finally found his things, they were strewn about the floor. Thank Hellas, his journal was still there. After changing, he packed up his books and journal, some clothes, and a few other other necessities.

He needed money or something he could sell. Maeve's jewelry would help. He could pawn it.

Lorcan asked the pawnshop owner for directions to the bus station, and then he set out to see if there was still one person who cared about him. Hopefully this wasn’t a bad idea.

____

Thanks for reading. Things will get better, I promise! Let me know if you'd like to be tagged.

Edit- oops! I forgot to actually put in tags... My bad. Sorry!

@thenerdandfandoms @starlightorstarfire

[andoqin]

Sisyphus: The Myth Ep 1- A Dissection

Okay, so I’ve had some time to process what I subjected myself to today, so I’ve decided to list everything in episode 1 that is just completely insane and an example of how Not To Do it. 

I’m not an expert on Film Theory, but i’ve watched a shitton of media, plus I watch a lot of Youtube Video essays, so clearly I’m half

The episode starts off okay enough even if we get a weird exposition dump and “tense” parting scene between a father and daughter. 

We start in what presumably is the time travel terminal where people stand around in pyjamas waiting to get through.

Okay, fairly interesting if unspectacular but I’m guessing that’s the point, this is now an industry. We zoom in and get this line that made me laugh, because well...

a) humans are living creatures and b) the amount of microbial organisms on human skin is estimated to be at hundreds of billions, or more. And this kind of time travel/teleportation is always hinky because well if you think about it, how does that even work without getting into The Fly territory. I’m willing to cut this drama some slack here and maybe it’s an awkward translation besides. 

This gets... exceedingly long, but if you want a (too) in-depth summary of what happens in ep 1 and why it doesn’t work (for me) read on :D.

But then the real trouble starts, because PSH’s dad (I’m not bothering to learn the character names) says he’s not going with her and this is apparently very sudden. He then makes her repeat some lines that are supposed to create tension? Be exposition? Idk.

“Don’t trust anyone.” 

“Don’t get involved with [CSW]’s character.”

PSH get’s teary eyed, because her dad is not coming with her, but the problem with scenes like these is: I don’t know either of them and do not have an emotional connection to their parting. Sure, it tells us something about PSH (she likes her dad and is worried about him) but I also don’t know how important her dad is going to be down the line. So when PSH asks about her mom and what if her mom dies and her dad just replies everyone dies at some point I’m a bit weirded out, but not to the point where I necessarily want to know more. 

We then smashcut to PSH waking up in a world that’s more similar to ours and she does what her dad told her to do. She grabs her (very inconvenient) suitcase and runs along the tracks she woke up next to. We see that she is somewhat surprised by the running trains and also hardy enough to track on despite bleeding feet. 

Alas, creepy people in gas-masks with guns and drones are waiting for her, so she runs even harder and after some near misses (they are able to track her by some sort of radiation meter) makes it to safety. 

On top of a train car that the TWO DOZEN PEOPLE WITH GUNS AND DRONES are too stupid to check apparently. Clearly if she’s not under the train car, the detecting devices must be mistaken. So she just chills on top of the train car, sitting on her suitcase and those goons trundle off after 5 minutes presumably like they’re Assassin’s Creed Enemy NPCs.

Now we get introduced to CSW in the most insane scene i’ve ever witnessed. Honestly. 

He is just ~chilling in 1st class in an airplane, filming a douche who is rude to the plane staff and epically owning him because he’s So Smart.

First of all, I don’t know what that has to do with soggy noodles(which the other asshole complained about), since by that measure the noodles should be *undercooked* (lower boiling point means longer cooking time after all) and secondly good lord I already hate this guy. He then proceeds to Epically Own (tm) with a convenient Forbes (sorry “Eorbes”) Magazine that he is on the cover of and flirts with the plane hostess. 

So right off the bat, our impressions of CSW are supposed to be: He’s Cool (look at his hoodie and general bearing), he’s Smart (debatable), he’s nice to The Help (I guess???) stands up to bullies, and most importantly he’s fucking rich. I guess we’re also supposed to get the impression that he’s arrogant, maybe a bit of an asshole, but still cool and everything. 

If this had been where the scene had stopped I would have rolled my eyes and then just continued on watching. But no, the writers thought: “Schooling some sexist rich asshole isn’t enough to show off how Cool and Smart and Cocky our main character is. Also he likes the ladies.” Look at him, he’s Tony Stark only from South Korea!!!

So shortly after he sits down, and we have the first moment with CSW where he connected with me emotionally (he sees the ghost of his dead brother and the way he says “because ... you’re dead.” and I thought OOOH this I can work with), the cockpit windshield is hit by what looks to be a suitcase (DUN DUN DUUUN) and something crashes into one of the engines, causing it to explode and catch fire. 

The pilot is knocked out and unconscious and even the co-pilot loses consciousness (after conveniently unlocking the cockpit lock). CSW is the only one who goes to check on the pilots, having grabbed a fanny pack from his onboard luggage and quickly assessing the situation he revives the copilot and welds the hole in the windshield shut with some ducttape out of his fannypack and a plastic notepad. IT’S VERY EFFECTIVE! They did it in WW2, or so CSW tells us so you know it’s true.

I’m not sure that ‘s how plane windshields and duct tape and plastic notepad thingies work, but well the plane is still in freefall we have more important things to worry about :).

The electrics are all on the fritz, the copilot cannot get control of the plane and so CSW takes a seat in the captains chair (having foisted the captain out of it, not even he is so crass to sit on some unconscious dude’s lap i guess) and quickly calculates that they have 3 min and 30 secs for CSW to restart the electronics before the plane crashes. So he hands the co-pilot HIS PHONE with a timer on it for 3.5 minutes so the co-pilot can tell him when 30 seconds have passed. Instead of idk, contacting Air Traffic Control or ANYONE he just sits there and lets his big boy brain work. 

After 30 seconds he has an idea, because he’s Tony Stark-ing it up like crazy now and can just figure out the electronics of a plane cockpit in 30 seconds, but guess what. HIS PHONE RINGS. AND HE ANSWERS IT, because he’s devil-may-care and “haha look at this, friend, i’m in the cockpit of a crashing plane we have 2 minutes before i’m dead.”

Said friend is calling him from the board meeting of CSWs company, bc of course the board is ~unhappy with CSWs antics (I gotta say I can’t blame them) and the friend doesn’t believe it at first, when he says he’s in a crashing plane, but checks on the news to see it’s true. 

I ... I don’t think news work like that, we’ve gone 5 minutes from the initial troubles till now, there won’t be news reports all over the media yet. THEY’RE NOT EVEN TALKING TO AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL YET. Hell he even tells his friend to call 119 or the airport for help. I just... I’m very forgiving of a lot of things in a drama when it comes to writing. I’m willing to ignore obvious blindspots in a narrative, if I think the narrative is strong enough to support whatever it’s trying to say. At this point what could calling the police or the airport do, they have like 90 seconds left...

I don’t know what the writers are trying to tell me with this scene though? It’s so stupid, so unrealistic and CSW is so unpleasant and weird in it, because he tells his friend that he has to confess to taking out the friend’s college girlfriend on a date while they were still together. 

Well since the drama is longer than one ep, they do make it out alive, but the fact that the co-pilot managed to safely LAND the plane (which is insane to me) gets skipped over and we just get news snippets that herald CSW as a hero who singlehandedly saved the planes passengers. 

We then get to see him in his natural habitat “convalescing” in his giant apartment where he is being showered with gifts by worshippers basically. He continues to be an asshole, but his friend tells him, one more stunt and the board will kick him. 

The board will kick the guy who just saved a plane full of lives????? Yeah right, I’m sorry but that’s just fucking stupid from the writers. Why would anyone do that, even if the board hates him, kicking him now, when he’s literally a national hero would be the worst thing they could do for the stock prices. It’s only here so the writers can shoehorn in that CSW is close to OD-ing on pharmaceuticals and that the board wants to monitor his therapy and they have a way of “forcing” him to comply. 

Also he has what looks to be a dental x-ray machine next to his bed. Someone correct me if I’m wrong but lol what’s up with these set design choices. 

His friend tells him to go to fucking therapy or else and the next scene he is actually at a therapist. 

Who’s his ex-girlfriend (they have a whole tangent about that).

Who writes a report about his therapy to the board. 

But hey at least the therapy gets us a flashback of the last time he saw his brother. Big surprise he was an asshole to him as well, so no wonder he’s traumatised by that.

After therapy he *conveniently* runs into the co-pilot who’s incoherent and beaten up and hands CSW a usb-drive. It contains video of the cockpit on the day of the crash and it’s obvious what struck the plane was a suitcase and what crashed into the engine was a human being (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN maybe someone forgot to convert feet to meters when setting up the time travel thingamabob).

As he looks at the (very pixelated) figure of the person about to crash into the engine, he suddenly sees his brother’s face and honestly this scene just made me laugh? I know it’s supposed to be haunting and more evidence of CSW’s deep trauma, but I guess at this point my brain was just completely checked out. 

And that’s what we end our introductory phase of CSW. What the fuck was that plane thing even for. To show us he’s callous in the face of danger? He’s an asshole even when he’s about to die, so he’s got a long way to go? He’s haunted by the spectre of his dead brother and the guilt he feels for not being there when he died? I got a lot of that before we had the insane Plane Adventure!!! There are literally millions of ways they could have gotten this information to the viewers and not made an absurd spectacle of the plot that means that everything afterwards just feels lame, because you already had the insanity that was this plane ride, so it can only go down tension wise.

Now we’re back to PSH, but honestly her parts are kinda boring and bog-standard “UwU I’m unfamiliar with this way of life, I don’t even know how to eat a banana (that looks *nothing* like a banana btw), so I just eat it peel and root and all. Also I’m from the Future, that means I obviously know todays LOTTERY NUMBERS.”

I know kdramas like clichés and tropes, I like them too, that’s why I watch kdramas, but you gotta give me a bit more if you want me to at least invest in PSH, because I’m sure as hell not invested in CSW. 

She gets taken in by some guy, because we can’t have her homeless all the time, and she needs someone to explain this world to her and also how to eat bananas properly and she opens her suitcase. It’s got both future-tech-y looking stuff and a pink notepad that seems to hold specific information on what needs to happen on certain days. 

She also makes this expression and I don’t know if we’re supposed to laugh because she’s not threatening or if we’re supposed to laugh because she’s not threatening, but we know she’s gonna kick ass later, haha you just thought she was harmless. I gotta say it’s the former for me.

Rarrr fierce Elite Warrior PSH coming to get you.

She tries to get in touch with CSW, already breaking one of her dad’s three commandments. Oh, I guess staying with this guy breaks the other two. Welp, so much for that then. What even was the point of that first scene...

Anyway she tries to get in touch with CSW but ofc you cant just call the richest person ever (Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos would get very angry voicemails from me if that were the case), but she manages to get his voicemail. Or a voicemail he spoke for. But oh no, she is just Not Familiar with this world and keeps having a conversation with the voicemail as if it’s CSW himself. 

CSW who has scienced his way to finding the suitcase that crashed the plane and as she begs his voicemail not to open the suitcase, of course he opens it and gasp the combination for the suitcase lock is his birthday!!! Something his brother used to do!!! 

MAYBE THAT MAN WAS HIS BROTHER AFTER ALL!!!! OH NO!! 

But thank fuck the episode is over now.

VERDICT:

Just no. Don’t do this. The latter half of the show is more standard fare, but the first 25 minutes destroy any capability of this show making sense. I can see what the writers are trying to do, but it’s so hamfisted and badly written I’m just not willing to go along.

If you want a show that also has a fantasy action aspect (and this show is all fantasy no matter how much it tries to science it up), watch LUCA instead. That show at least knows how to set a tone, how to get us invested in the characters and does exposition in a way that doesn’t feel obtrusive. 

[wefoundloveunderthelight]

Wonderland by GleefullyCaptainSwan

Read on AO3: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

Or on FF

Tagging: @kmomof4 @lfh1226-linda @teamhook

Chapter 4: It’s a Mad World

“Are you feeling defensive today because of the way the group session went yesterday?”

Emma looked up defiantly at her therapist. “Do you always let them say whatever they want?”

“It’s important that everyone in group gets to speak their mind, that includes you.”

“August was doing more than speak his mind. He called me a goddamn spoiled rich kid with daddy issues.”

“Are you?”

“What the fuck?” Emma said angrily.

“Emma, your father is rich, you’ve been afforded things that most others have not.”

“So what? That gives him the right to talk about me that way?”

“I didn’t say that I just asked what your thoughts are on his statement.”

“I think he’s full of shit.”

“How is your relationship with your father?”

“Wow. Ok. Well, he traveled a lot.” She rolled her yes. She wasn’t exaggerating, she saw her father maybe once or twice a month when he wasn’t on some business trip that took him out of the country.

“Did you resent him for that?” The man was staring into her soul.

“Hard to resent someone you barely know.” She stared at her fingers, clicking her nails against each other.

“What about your mother?”

“She’s dad’s soldier. Does all his work for him back home while he’s out there making his mark on the world.”

“She’s a manager at the New York Hotel?”

“Yes, she runs all his North American hotels. She’s smart, runs a tight ship. Honestly, mom could have done anything she ever wanted.”

“Did she always want to work in management?”

“God no, she wanted to be a teacher. Mom loves kids.”

“Yet you’re an only child?”

“Yeah well, guess they got too busy to think about a brother or sister, or maybe I was just too much of a handful, you’d have to ask them.”

Emma knew her mother wanted desperately to have another child; she’d heard her parents argue about it a few times when she was younger. When she turned 15, her mother went through a period of depression. Emma had escaped the house on more than one occasion with Neal to avoid their fighting.

“David, we waited too long.”

“You don’t know that darling, the doctors said this could have happen for any number of reasons.”

“If you’d been home more, actually been here.”

“You’re blaming me for this?”

“Do we have to talk about my parents?” Emma stirred nervously in her chair.

“What would you like to talk about?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never done this before.”

“Let’s talk about Neal.”

“Why?”

“He’s your boyfriend?”

She bit her lip and shifted in her chair. “Ok yeah, sure. I met Neal when I was 12. We went to school together.”

“And your parents like him?”

“My parents love Neal. Sometimes I think they like him more than me.”

“I’m so disappointed in you Emma. How could you do this again?”

“Why do you care?”

“Don’t talk to your mother like that and answer the question.”

“I was just having fun with friends. It’s not that big a deal.”

“You’re drunk! You’re only 16. How is this not a big deal, Emma?”

“Seriously mom, stop acting so high and mighty.”

“You need to find better friends. I can’t believe you ditched Neal to go drinking. Really Emma, after the way he stood by you the last time you got in trouble!”

“Are you fucking serious right now?”

“Emma Nolan, you are grounded for a month.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Neal does no wrong. He’s perfect. Heir to the Gold throne. Hell, I think my dad believes he walks on water.”

“Are you jealous of their affection toward him?”

“Jealous? No, I just find it hypocritical. They immediately believe that I’m the bad influence, no one stopped for one second to ask about Neal and what he was up to. Not once.”

“Should they have? Was there a reason for them not to trust Neal?”

“And once again, I’m bored with this subject.” She crossed her legs underneath her on the chair and buried her face in her hands.

“Come on Emma, just try it one time. If you don’t like it, you never have to do it again.”

“I don’t know, Neal. Is it dangerous?”

“Of course not, why do you think so many people are doing it? It will make you feel good, don’t you want to feel good?”

“Ok Emma let’s talk about what happened after you got arrested. How long were you in jail?”

“I spent 11 glorious months behind bars at Lakeview Shock Correctional. Not like it was hard time or anything, daddy paid a pretty penny to hide me in a minimum-security housing facility.”

“So, it wasn’t a juvenile center?”

“Nope, that really pissed him off, I got busted a week after my 18th birthday.”

“Did you have a difficult time while you were there?”

“Emma you can do it. One more push.”

“Oh God.”

“That’s it, the head is out.”

“It’s a boy. Do you want to hold him?”

“No.”

“Nope, pretty ordinary. Bad food, lots of alone time. Nothing to write home about.” She stared out the window, willing her subconscious to float above her, to drown out the memories and keep the tears at bay.

Her father had paid a lot of money to keep her out of prison, but mostly to keep the story hidden. The minute the baby was ushered out of the room, she was returned to her cell and no one ever spoke of it again. Her father refused to talk about it when she returned home, and her mother continued to pretend like nothing had ever happened.

“Ok Emma, I think that’s enough for today.” He was looking at her with apprehension.

“Awesome.” She pushed out of the chair and sprang free from the room, all the air draining from her lungs. She started to tug at the hem of her t-shirt, feeling like she was trapped in her clothes. She looked around the courtyard, she felt like everything around her was blurring before her eyes.

No! She couldn’t have an anxiety attack out here in the open.

Before she realized what was happening, she was running. She didn’t turn around or stop until she reached the sands of the beach. Bending over and heaving out breathes as she tried to stop her heart from racing. She turned toward the pier and ducked under the boards, climbing the sandy hill hidden from the sun and falling into the sand, her sobs coming out in panicked spurts.

“We really need to stop meeting like this, love.”

No. No. No. No. Not now.

“Go away.” She shouted, sucking in her breath.

“Are you alright, Swan?”

She sat up, tossing sand in his direction. “I’m fucking fine, now go away.” She watched him standing at the bottom of the hill, she could tell he was debating his next move and unless it was leaving, she was going to beat his ass.

Of course, he wouldn’t just leave, she watched him climb the sandy hill toward her.

“You don’t appear to be fine, lass.”

“Why are you so damned irritating?” She screamed, the tears starting to fall down her cheeks again. She blew out a breath and sucked in the air again.

“Swan, you need to breathe. You’re going to hyperventilate.” She rocked back and forth, her arms hugging her chest. She felt warmth against her back, a hand brushing circles against the fabric of her shirt. “It’s better to let it out.” His breath was warm against her ear as he pulled her into the side of his body.

Her hand clinched in his shirt, balling her fist against his chest. “I told you to leave!” She sobbed into his body.

“It’s bad form to leave a damsel in distress.”

She pulled back from him, his face staring at her with a concern that only fueled her annoyance. She felt anger rising in her chest when their eyes met. “The only one who saves me, is me.” She spat.

“Don’t take offense, I’m only trying to help.”

“You are so goddamn frustrating.” He smirked, which only made things worse. She needed to run away from the heat of the man seated beside her, away from his eyes staring into her soul, his arrogant smile still stuck to his face. The fact that he actually seemed worried about her was making the hairs on her arm stand on end. She shoved away from him, “Let go of me.” She stood up and he grabbed her hand.

“Emma…”

She yanked her hand back as if she had been shocked. “Stop touching me, asshole.”

“You really are a pain in the ass.” He stood up, his face inches from hers.

“I’m a pain in the ass? You’re the one who keeps following me around.”

“I was here first, love.”

Emma balled her hands in his shirt before she could stop herself, yanking his lips down to meet hers in a fury of heat and wanton desire. He didn’t hesitate to respond in kind, his fingers tangling tightly in her blonde locks as his tongue pressed against her lips. She opened her mouth with a groan, clinging to him in desperation as their tongues intertwined. When she came up for air, his forehead pressed against hers.

A sudden realization of what she had done began to dawn on her. She frantically pulled away from him.

“That was…” He started to speak, and she panicked.

“A one-time thing. A distraction. That’s all.” She backed away from him, turning quickly to leave and not looking back.

“Emma.”

“Don’t follow me.” She spat.

“As you wish.” She heard him say softly behind her.

She grumbled to herself all the way back to her room, when she entered, Ruby was putting on yoga pants and a sports bra.

“Emma, you’re just in time.” She looked up at her. “Oh my, are you alright? You look pale.”

“Gee thanks, but yes I’m fine, rough day in therapy.” She tore her t-shirt off her body. “What am I just in time for?”

“Spin class!”

“Um, yeah pass.”

“No way, you’re coming with me. It’s the best way to de-stress after therapy. Trust me, Zelena is amazing.”

She considered her options, either sit in her room, and relive the last fifteen minutes over and over in her head, thus driving herself insane, or sweat the kiss out of her system.

“Ok fine, spin it is.”

What Ruby failed to mention was that when she said that Zelena was amazing, what she meant was an insane crazy person.

“Come on you animals, push it harder! Sweat your way to recovery.”

“Oh my God what is with this woman, I can’t push any harder.” Emma panted.

“I heard that.” Zelena yelled in her direction, “When you think you can’t go any faster, find it in yourself to pick up the pace.”

Emma groaned and wiped the sweat off her forehead with her hand.

“Don’t just walk in my room late and expect not to get on one of these bikes.”

Emma peered over her shoulder and grunted when she saw August and Killian enter the room.

Can she do anything without that asshole following her?

She expected him to jump on the bike behind her and make some sort of inappropriate comment about her ass but instead he took the bike next to Ruby.

“I love seeing a woman work up a sweat.” He smiled at Ruby who giggled loudly.

“No laughing in my class, if you’re having fun, you aren’t working hard enough.” Zelena yelled.

She peered in his direction and their eyes met for half a second before he turned his attention back to Ruby. She rolled her eyes and focused her energy on moving her feet.

“Let’s go kids, five more minutes.” The red head screamed.

“I can go for more than five minutes, lass.” She heard Killian murmur toward Ruby.

“Oh, I bet you can.” Ruby returned the flirtatious discussion.

“If only I knew someone who could make that happen around here.”

“Maybe you do.”

Emma was getting winded, letting out a guttural groan, she took her feet off the pedals, the wheels spinning on their own until they came to a stop. She jumped off the bike and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around her neck and swigging from her water bottle before walking out of the gym, ignoring the red headed instructor who was yelling at her to get back on her bike.

She turned the corner to the dorms and ran into something solid.

“Apologizes! I hope I didn’t hurt you, beautiful.”

She looked up and smiled at Jefferson. “Sorry, that was my fault, I should have been paying attention.”

“No harm, no foul, Miss Emma.” He stared down at her. “Are you quite all right? You seem sad.”

“It’s been a long day.”

“Trust me, I know, I’ve had six months of them here.”

She laughed. “How have you survived?”

“Wanna know my secret?”

“Oh yes.”

“Come this way.” He grabbed her by the hand and pulled her down a series of corridors until she no longer recognized where they were. He turned around and put his forefinger over his lips and she put her hand over her mouth. He pushed through the double doors, bending over, and creeping along the wall. He peeked up into one of the windows and then pulled her past it into a dark room.

When they were both standing in the dark, he let go of her hand and moved away from her to the other side of the room. She heard a clicking sound, a soft light illuminated his face before the light was extinguished.

He was by her side again, and she felt his lips against her ear. “Follow me.”

She turned and followed him back the way they came until they were standing outside the doors they entered, and he was dragging her through another set of doors into a part of the courtyard she had never seen before.

“What did we just do?” She exclaimed as he plopped down onto the grass lawn and patted beside him for her to sit. When she did, he passed her a small edible item. “Ding dongs? Did we just do all that to steal ding dongs?”

He popped one into his mouth, lying back on the grass. “There’s nothing better after a stressful day. And they don’t give them out to the patients, but I found out that one of the cooks absolutely loves them and hides them in the storage behind the kitchen.”

Emma fell back onto the grass next to him, leaning her head onto his crossed arm. She took a bite of the treat and moaned. “Oh my God, that is good.”

“I told you.” He smirked. “You forget the simple things when you are out there, dealing with the world.”

She sighed. “Why are you still here after six months?” She asked seriously.

“It’s hard enough to live in a land where you don’t belong but knowing it…holding conflicting realities in your head…will drive you mad.”

“And you think you belong in here?”

“Oh no, I hate Wonderland.” He exclaimed. “But unfortunately, I have an affliction. Do you know what it’s like to be at odds with yourself? It’s like having two lives yet they live inside one mind. Double the pain, double the suffering.”

Emma frowned. “Don’t you want to get better?”

“I supposed I do. And yet here I am.” He grinned at her.

“You’re very odd.”

“Thank you.” He laughed, sitting up on his elbow and leaning closer to her. “I could tell the first day in group that you were special. Don’t let August scare you off.”

“Oh, I’m uh, I can handle him.”

“I believe that.”

He leaned over, lightly brushing his lips against hers and then pulling back to look at her. “I apologize, I’ve been arguing with myself for the last ten minutes about doing that.”

She didn’t know what to think of the kiss, Jefferson was sweet and kind, with a strange air about him, and the kiss was so very different than what she had experience earlier kissing Killian. The kiss from Jefferson was almost comforting compared to the desperate need she experienced earlier under the pier.

Both of their watches began beeping and she sat up quickly.

“Oh my, have we been out here that long? I uh, guess we should get back to our rooms or we’ll miss lights out.”

“Time flies when you are having fun. I’ll show you the way back.” He stood up, reaching his hand out for her. He pulled her to her feet and tugged her forward, keeping his hand in hers. Once they reached the building, he dropped her hand, guiding her through the hallways until she started to recognize her surroundings. He stopped at the fork in the hall.

“This is where we part, beautiful.”

“Thank you for sharing your secret with me tonight.” She whispered.

“I only hope it helped. Goodnight.” He winked before turning away from her and skipping toward his room.

Emma grinned and walked the rest of the way to her room. Ruby was lying on her bed. “There you are.”

“Oh hey.”

“You just took off tonight. What happened?”

“Just overheated, needed to get some air.”

“Ah Zelena’s classes can be like that. She’s pretty serious about cardio.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You sure you’re ok? This wasn’t about Killian was it?”

“No, why would you think that?”

“I don’t know, you just seemed upset when we were flirting today. Are you interested in him? Because I can totally back off if you two have something going on?”

Emma bit her lip. She was most definitely not interested in that asshole. Not at all. Not even a little.

Liar.

“Nope, he’s all yours. I’m not into assholes.”

“Suit yourself, but honestly, can you imagine what he can do with that mouth of his?”

Emma flushed, remembering the feel of his mouth burning on her lips. “Never really thought about it honestly, he’s not my type.”

“Which part? The accent, the arms, his abs, or the bulge in his pants, cause I could keep going if I haven’t proven my point yet.”

“I didn’t say he wasn’t hot. He’s just…” She got into her bed and turned off the lights to mask the redness growing in her cheeks. “I can assure you his ego is probably bigger than his dick.”

“Well, one of us needs to find out, and if you’re not interested, then I volunteer as tribute.” She joked.

Emma rolled her eyes and turned over on her side, squeezing her eyes shut and praying for sleep. “You’re such a nerd, Ruby. But seriously good luck with that.” She grumbled before she fell asleep, blue pools of light haunting her dreams.

Notes:

I have updated the Chapter length to 21 chapters, I'm excited to say I have written all the words for Wonderland and I'm just going through and editing it now. :) Hope you are all enjoying the fic. Thanks again for reading!

[shiishki]

okay wait, i changed my mind. you should answer all of these questions as well, if that's what you want from me >:)

oof there's a lot of it, that's what i get for wanting to be ✨aesthetic✨

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

vowels (and the importance of being me) - hunny

honeypie - jawny

pretty young thing - michael jackson

mirrors - justin timberlake

sunflower - red orange county

paradise - rude-a

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

a therapist.

ok someone else.. uhh,, my grand grandma because i only have scratches of memories but i dunno if that counts since she passed away...

*rummages through ancient scripts* uhh ok someone who isn't dead.. uhm,, tommie? yeah I'd like to meet them if i could meet anyone on earth

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

ok, the closest german, english or polish book? nvm i have english

"suddenly was. So I just said thank you a few times too, and Mum" ironically this is one of the normal lines in this book

4: What do you think about most?

the fact that I'll have to do something after school. and I don't know if i want to go to college or get a job bc i have no legitimate idea on what to do with my life. it gets overwhelming, just the lack of knowledge about the actual experience.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

Ok

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

with, tho i sleep with just shorts in summer

7: What’s your strangest talent?

not sure if it's a talent, but i can fall asleep anywhere

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls are pretty. boys are pretty

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

by me, yes. no one else has written a poem about me specifically. nvm, tommie wrote one and it shall rest on my wall, or desk, i need to find a place for it

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

uhh i think last month?

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

i don't think so, but i am hella afraid of the possibly gigantic, terrifying things in the ocean depths that humans haven't discovered yet

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

yep, beloved legos as a lil child

13: What’s your religion?

i can't ever remember the name, but i believe gods (from all religions) exist in some way or form. so i believe in different pantheons and etc.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

walking my doggo, skateboarding, thinking about how to make the lives of my characters worse

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind it.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

uhmm the arctic monkeys? or the strokes

17: What was the last lie you told?

i know what i want

18: Do you believe in karma?

yes, the rule of three specifically

19: What does your URL mean?

i don't know. it's something me and my sis came up with and that's just my whole identity now.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

uhh greatest weakness.. i can't finish things. strength is that I'm very stubborn so maybe I'll finish that thing out of spite

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

i grew up thinking crushes were like unicorns. my ex was odd enough to argue with that i didn't love her if i didn't have a crush on her. but I think if i had to guess.. selena gomez, especially in the role of alex russo in wizard of weverly street

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

nope

23: How do you vent your anger?

i write angry letters. sometimes they're sad letters. i write a lot of letters. except i never send them out and no one made a movie about them :}

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

jars and witchy bottles, books? scented candles

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

phone calls are stressful enough as is, i don't need you to see my reading off what i frantically wrote to not stumble over my words

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

i think so, yes, but that won't stop me from becoming better

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

hate flies buzzing right by my ear, love cat purring

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if I'd been born in a place where it was illegal for me (nonbinary) to live, in a time when others thought of me as a curse?

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

they be chilling.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

right arm, doggo, left arm, pillow

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

fresh air and doggo, because doggo is with me and I can't live without open windows

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

i dunno tbh

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

which one is less homophobic?

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

every gender is my opposite gender. selena gomez and justin timberlake

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

to make it easier for people down the line

36: Define Art.

make thing, thing goes woo

37: Do you believe in luck?

yis

38: What’s the weather like right now?

it's nice actually, very sunny, slight breeze

39: What time is it?

12.59 am

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

i don't, but i once crashed into a fire department vehicle with my bike. bike ded.

41: What was the last book you read?

Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

i legit ass don't know what gasoline smells like.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

many variations of my name, aka. Luce

44: What was the last film you saw?

i think it was Robin Hood: King of Thieves, but it might have been that half of spider-man homecoming i managed to watch with my poor internet

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

oh man i dunno... it's not an injury, but i was very sickly as a lil kid and almost died :)

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

once, years ago

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

hmmm horizon zero dawn i think

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

proud pansexual ^^

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

not really, i don't think they're big enough to be actual rumors,, meh

50: Do you believe in magic?

yis

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

meh. they suck, i know they suck, that's it.

52: What is your astrological sign?

cancer ♋

53: Do you save money or spend it?

i attempt saving. attempt

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

for my own money, sweets. i bought lizards for my cats so they can brush their teeth from my dad's amazon acc

55: Love or lust?

luv

56: In a relationship?

nope, i buy my own cookies

57: How many relationships have you had?

1, kinda toxic toward the end, very stressful, don't recommend

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

nu ><

59: Where were you yesterday?

on the fields walking my doggo

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yep, a pastel pink hoodie in my closet uwu

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

yis, thicc warm socks

62: What’s your favourite animal?

cats

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

cuddles and food.

64: Where is your best friend?

bold of you to assume i have a best friend.

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

tommie-hildebrandt, kageyuji, nekomas-kuroo, joyful-soul-collector

66: What is your heritage?

I'm a demon boi from Poland tho that's not a thing to be proud of, i mean, look at the economy. awful.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

sleeping, trying to sleep.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Pinkton. or Satan.

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

this is such an odd combination of words i had to look it up. yea.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

a friend who won't laugh at me when i ask them to order smth for me because I'm too anxious to.

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

excuse me? i am saving the doggo wtf. f u boss, I'm gonna sell my tragic story to the news.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) i tell my parents. b) live the hell out of them uwu c) nope uwu.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

history maker - dean fujioka :]

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

3332

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

communication, trust, some more communication.

77: How can I win your heart?

let's not pretend to be something else to please each other, and bring some bitter chocolate.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

maybe. it could. i don't have a say in it since my sanity is held by tape.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

eat the pizza. stop caring about others not liking me/parts of me. just living for myself uwu.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

uh i dunno how the american sizes work and i don't wanna look it up so, 39, 40 fits too.

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

demon boi

82: What is your favourite word?

socks.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

the bloody organ that sits in your chest and pumps blood into your body so you don't die.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

uhm im not sure if that counts as a saying, but fake it till you make it

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

blinding lights - the weeknd

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

oh a normal question people use for ice breaking, sea blue and pastel variations of it.

87: What is your current desktop picture?

like my wallpaper? or the actual picture that sits on my desk? or how my desk looks like atm? it's ugly, a lot of papers and pens and schoolbooks.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

donald trump. or the next asshole who'll try to take the rights of the lgbt and poc away

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

this. this is the question.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

yo there's a pizza somewhere in the refrigerator, want me to heat it up? we can have a sleep over and talk about our feelings :3

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

telekinesis! or shapeshifting! i could do such fun things with telekinesis ^^ yeah I'd totally eat some radioactive veggies

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

that time my "friends" got me into shoplifting, half-hour is more than enough to punch some sense into my brain and develop good music taste

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

can i save this one? i don't think i have an experience horrible enough to be erased haha

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

sleep as in.. uh no thank u. but I'm down for a sleep over with sam smith ^^

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

just me? what about my pets? my fam? it's lowkey illegal for me to go just anywhere without them owO

uhhmm, greece. imma become part of the greek pantheon out of pure spite. and maybe toronto canada.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

not any that i know of o.o

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

i think i may have but i honestly don't remember

98: Ever been on a plane?

nope, i dunno if i like planes, but I'd probably sleep if i were on one.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

yeet.

[xaysnotebook]

Chapter 1 - Behind Colored Eyes

“I told you it was pointless to even try to study for that test! It was made to screw over your final grade.”

“I know, but at least we got a passing grade, almost everyone failed besides us.” Alex replied, pacing unevenly. The psychology final was played as the hardest final outside of the math department, and they had been one of the few students to get a passing grade. The only cost of this is that they skipped out on work for a couple days and stayed awake for possibly a little too long. 

“Well, I know you’re hungry, how about that new restaurant down by Semia’s house? It’s some Italian place I think.”

“I would love to, but you know I can't afford it, and I am not asking for money again.” Alex was already in debt because of college, they also had a personal debt to their parents for more than a month of rent and food bills.

“If you say so, you could always dip into your savings again. You need a little bit of a pick-me-up. You could always talk to Sandra.” That last comment made Alex stop in their tracks, their gray eyes almost glazing over with anger. “Alright, that was too far I already know. I’ll leave you alone for a bit.”

“Damn, Jason.” Alex thought out loud, earning him a questioning glance from a couple walking nearby. Jason was good to keep around for simple conversation, but he was definitely able to turn rude quickly. Alex started back towards the apartment, feeling slightly more lonely than before, but nothing they weren't used to. They were a generally lonely person for multiple reasons, but any time they got left, it felt a bit worse.

Alex was a scrawny but tall person, standing at about six foot two while actually standing up straight. They had a mess of blue hair that was starting to fade from being in the sun too often. With a smaller nose and piercing gray eyes, they had been compared to a blue raven before, actually being called Raven by some coworkers and friends. They were also born a male, but had chosen to live by the “they” pronouns when they were around seventeen, being easily passable for both genders and drifting around on what they felt like on a minute to minute basis. Now they were almost twenty-one, and already knew it was going to be another bland birthday, most likely spent with Tasha.

As they walked up to their apartment building, they heard the sound of loud music playing and quickly assumed it was Tasha. However there was a distinct feeling that they were being watched. After glancing about, they noticed a peculiar pair of yellow eyes staring through a set of blinds. For obvious reasons they were taken aback and quickly scurried to the front door of the apartment complex. After going inside, they made a wide path around the strange apartment and got to their own. From the door, it was clear that Tasha was blaring some assortment of rap music, and easily loud enough that they would get a noise complaint later for it. Pushing through the front, Alex found the living room in tatters, the dining room full and random cups leftover, and a clearly hung over Tasha sleeping on the kitchen floor. After turning off the music, Alex walked over to the fridge, nudging Tasha with their foot on the way only to hear a slight grunt. How anyone could sleep with that loud music playing, on a cold floor was beyond Alex, but they knew Tasha was used to it by now. She was in her last semester, graduating with two majors and a minor in only four years, something that would take most people at least eight.

Tasha was the type of person that was born hyper-intelligent, and hated every minute of it. As such, she rebelled by being a straight A student, with an insane party life. She was a chubby Native American girl with long black hair that was almost always braided, bright green eyes, and a large birthmark across her left eye. When Alex had first met her, they had seemed like polar opposites, and almost resented each other. Then they were put as roommates in their first year, and before Christmas break had become best friends, almost inseparable.

“Tasha, wake up, You need to eat something before noon.” Alex whispered as they bent over to shake her awake. “I ate before I drank. I think I’ll live, Alex.” Tasha muttered sleepily, trying to cover herself with aluminum foil.

“Yes, but you also have a test at three to finish your mathematics major, and you need to need to finish your project with Janet.” Janet had made extra sure to yell at Alex before they left campus.

“Ugh, fine,” Tasha said groggily as she rolled over to face Alex, her eyes still blurry from exhaustion, “but only if we can go to the coffee shop. I need my fix!”

“Then let’s go and get your drugs, but you’re buying this time!” Alex said, feeling that all too familiar shift in balance within themself, almost like a subtle knock on the back of their head.

“Two large chai lattes please!” Alex chimed to the barista.

“Seven thirty-four please.” She responded in a monotone manner, “Thank you, name?”

“Alex, and could you put a smiley face under it?” Alex responded hopefully.

“Sure, hon.” She said, a slight smile beginning to creep onto her face.

“Thank you!” Alex beamed. They made their way towards the table that Tasha was sitting at, suddenly remembering that it was supposed to be her turn to pay for the drinks. “Weren’t you supposed to pay this time?” they commented after sitting down. Tasha was staring off absentmindedly, vaguely tracing mathematical equations on the table with her finger. “Hey Spacey! Whatcha thinking about?”

Snapping back to reality, she slyly commented “The probability that they’ll mess up on our lattes yet again. I mean how hard is it to make regular chai lattes?”

“Hey relax! I sweet talked the barista, we should be good for today!” Alex’s definition of “sweet talking” was rather loose, but it always seemed to work out for them.

“Well thank you, you massive flirt.” Tasha chuckled as she eyed him lazily, “You know, you’ve been single since the end of freshman year. Aren’t you lonely?”

“I mean yeah, I’m always yet never lonely. You know how my head works better than anyone else. And besides, why would I need another best friend when I have you?” Alex responded, half heartedly flirting. The two had actually been close to dating once, but had decided against it and to remain best friends. At the point they were at in their friendship, it would either fail miserably or go perfectly, and neither of them were willing to risk everything that they had been through.

“Yeah, but we both know that you..”

“Alex!” Cried the barista, “With two smiley faces!”

“I’ll go grab those for us.” Tasha said as she stood. As she walked away, Alex had a familiar sensation of being watched. Scanning the room, they didn’t notice anyone looking at them besides Tasha as she was walking back.

Then they glanced at the barista. Those same piercing yellow eyes, seeming to attack their very soul. Her eyes suddenly went back to a dull brown color and she shook her head clear, seemingly losing a couple inches of height before going to the next customer in line. “Did you see her eyes?” Alex stammered out while they slightly shook in panic.

Tasha sat down and eyed them curiously, “What? That lady’s? No? Why do you look so scared suddenly?” She peered at him strangely, like an owner looking at a scared puppy.

“I swear, she had bright yellow eyes for a few seconds! Then they were suddenly normal again? You really didn’t see them when you walked up to her?” Alex’s mind was racing at this point, could they be finally breaking apart? They had been warned stability would only last so long, but it has only been a couple years, it was too soon.

“Hey, Alex. Look at me.” Tasha said, grabbing their hand gently, “Is it getting bad again? Do we need to go?” 

“I don’t know, this isn’t how it was last time, not anything like this.” Alex’s voice was getting shaky, they were slowly slipping into a panic attack and were trying their hardest to avoid it as long as they could.

“I know what we saw, that bitch had yellow eyes. You can’t be getting bad again, I saw that.”

Alex shuddered slightly, “Well thank you Jason.” they said, not being sure whether to calm down since they weren’t crazy yet, or panic because a human just had bright yellow, almost snake like eyes.

“What’d he say?” Tasha questioned.

“He saw the eyes too I guess that means either we’re both going crazy, or she actually had yellow eyes.” Alex breathed out heavily, “It could be sleep loss, but that doesn’t usually affect everyone until after days of not sleeping. I’ve only been awake for maybe thirty hours at this point?”

“Okay, home or therapist?”

“Home. Joz is out of town this week for a seminar.” Alex breathed out shakily, still trying to sip coffee that was clearly too hot.

“Then come on, Joz will wait until she's back. And give me your keys, you’re in no state to drive.”

“I’ve driven while worse, but if you insist.” They would have refused to admit it, but they were truly terrified and most likely couldn’t even walk straight, let alone drive home.

After five minutes that seemed to last for an eternity, the two got back to the apartment complex and started heading towards the front door. Tasha glanced over and noticed Alex was watching a specific window very intently, “Why are you watching Ms. Higgans window? Expecting a ghost to come out?” she asked jokingly, attempting to lighten the mood. The only response that Alex provided was a vague murmur about yellow eyes. Tasha had seen Alex during bad breakdowns before, ranging from a light panic attack over tests to a complete meltdown where they had almost jumped out of a window. However, this was a new reaction, Alex was fully conscious but was unable to process much of anything really, almost like a breakdown, but without tears or hyperventilating or yelling or really any bad behaviour. As they walked inside the front door, Alex suddenly stopped directly outside of Ms. Higgans door. “Alex? What’s going on?” As she turned around, she stepped back in fear. Alex’s generally steel gray eyes had turned a deep violet, glowing and pulsating slowly.

[dawniebb]

Closure pt. 4

I already want to get rid of this so...yeah. This is the last chapter, and it’s about Honey; for those who don’t know, this is a little series about grief, from the canon divergence I share with @healing-winston-pratt. This is the last chapter in the collection :)

You can use this post as a masterlist; you will also find the link to the canon divergence explanation there: https://dawniebb.tumblr.com/post/627798366140694528/closure-pt-3

Tag list: @novadreamer95438 @idkimbadwithusernamesandstuff @novas-tunnel-of-anxiety @obsidianfr3sk

-.-

Honey

Whispers

You said it was a wasted promise I thought it was a waste of time You said it was the perfect crime

Nova turned the car’s engine off and leaned her back against the backrest, turning her gaze up towards the ceiling. A few seconds after that, she closed her eyes.  

She then tried to enter into a full silence zone, until the outside noises started coming through the closed windows, letting her know that it was time; so, straightening her posture, Nova reached for the brown paper bag she was carrying in the backseat, before proceeding to take the bouquet of flowers that was driving with her in the passenger’s seat, leave the car and start heading out.

She hadn’t been in Gatlon’s cemetery many times, but given that she had a pretty good sense of location, she trusted she wouldn’t see herself in the need to go back to the entrance and ask the gatekeeper for directions; besides, it wasn’t like getting lost were that easy, taking into account what was it that she was looking for. After all, the zone she was heading to seemed to shine under the light of a spotlight.

They were called the Fallen Ones. Renegades and, ever since a couple of years ago, Anarchists; Renegades and Anarchists whose lives had been taking during battle; martyrs; Cragmoor inmates who had been proven to be innocent when it was already too late; civilians who hadn’t survived the Second Battle for Gatlon…all of those people that Nova had lend her voice to, once she convinced the Council everyone had the same right to speak as them.

Even those who were already gone.

If she hadn’t spoken up, maybe these people would still be in the “regular” area of the cemetery, or in the common pit.

The second gate, which led to the Aisle of the Fallen, was always open to the public, for those who had a loved one who rested there or the…curious ones who enjoyed necroturism.

When Nova stepped into the stone pathway, she not only felt she was entering a different cemetery, but a completely different world instead; like an alternative universe where death was considered a very long, well-deserved nap and a temporary goodbye, instead of a reason to cry and mourn.

Despite being overshadowed by the mausoleum Georgia Rawles and Evander Wade shared, the rest of the headstones managed to catch Nova’s eye, with their vivid colors and their pure aura, materialized in white marble; others were rather austere and modest…but there were some others, like the ones who belonged to Renegades who were no longer among the living, that even got to the point to have statues (Genissa Clark’s, for example), and were surrounded by fresh and healthy-looking flowers, helium balloons, letters and even significant objects, like plushies, books or other stuff.

With a sudden bittersweet taste in her mouth, Nova kept walking through that trail that, more than looking like a cemetery, it looked like Walk of Fame.

A gust of wind brought the overwhelming and cloying odor of flowers, and Nova couldn’t decide whether she was nauseous or just dizzy, so she elected to ignore that sensation and found some comfort in the sound of her soles hitting against the crushed stone.

After a while, she moved into the back of the Aisle of the Fallen, where the newest graves were being displayed. The spot around Georgia and Evander’s mausoleum.

For the first time, she managed to confirm that what she was feeling was nausea; although, a different type of nausea from the one she had been feeling the last couple of weeks; it was easy for her to discern that, this time, she was intoxicated by insanely high levels of adrenaline, as she felt, from one moment to another, how nothing about seemed fitting or adequate for this situations; she wasn’t wearing pretty clothes, she wasn’t wearing any makeup, she wasn’t wearing the right shoes, she hadn’t even brushed her hair; she didn’t look…presentable.

Nevertheless, she was already here, and she refused to leave.

As she got closer, her steps became slower, as if she were driving a car and was trying to avoid a big hole she had spotted in the distance, but fortunately (or unfortunately), she managed to get to her destination, and there she was.

Or at least, what was left of her in the living world (that is, in case another world existed).

Suddenly, the air became scarce and Nova just remained there, looking at her, at the same time her hand was tightening around the bouquet, reminding her why was she there in the first place. Thus, before she fully regretted having come here in the first place, she carefully got on her knees and gulped.

For a moment, Honey Harper’s headstone seemed to be greeting here back when she did, with a small, solemn head motion.

Nova had contributed with the money for that headstone, along with Winston and Leroy; but, unlike them, she had refused to see the finished product until today. More than ten years later.

Given the fact this was the headstone for an Anarchist as important as her, it didn’t get half of the attention the Renegades’ ones got, as Anarchists were generally conceived as something bad and not worth remembering; however, janitors were still requested to clean it and let Leroy or Winston know when it needed some type of reparation. For instance, it was safe to say it was in a good condition.

Taking into account what Honey would have wanted, they chose a bee-shaped stained glass, ornamented with a subtle and small crown by its head; it shone under the sunlight, and Nova, wholeheartedly, hoped that would cover the cold simplicity of the inscription where, written in italic letters, could be read:

Honey Harper. “Queen Bee”.

Anarchist.

That was it.

No emotional message added; no “And when the world needed a Queen, there was you” or “You will be missed”; not even a hypocritical “A great Anarchist, peer and mother”.

Mother?

Was there any possibility Honey would’ve liked that?

Did Honey ever consider herself to be that?

Nova didn’t know. Her therapist hadn’t had the answer for that either. And since she didn’t seem to be able to find it by herself, she had given up…because, in the end, the only person who could actually answer that was a few feet below the ground Nova was kneeling on.

Nervous, she licked her own lips and, consequently, pulled them apart, speaking in a voice that didn’t sound like hers at all. Not even when she heard it in her own head.

“I’m making a comeback…and I brought you roses, because they’re super dramatic like you.” She said, putting the bouquet in front of the headstone as if she were offering a sacred object. “But…they’re in white and yellow…without sunflowers, though…because for some reason I completely forgot sunflowers have your favorite colors in them.”

If she wanted to be honest, she considered it to be a pretty cute bouquet, with the same colors a bee had and everything…

Still, she wasn’t lying when she said she had forgotten about the existence of sunflowers. Bringing sunflowers could’ve been way easier…but, again, she hadn’t had a clue until she left the flower shop and saw a bouquet of sunflowers displayed outside.

“I don’t know.” Nova scratched her own arm. “…maybe you didn’t like sunflowers because they’re funny and sort of…me…yeah.”

She bit her lip.

“You would’ve compared me to a sunflower, now that I think about it.” She told the headstone. “You did call me a cute drone once, so…if you’re a rose then I must be a…equally cute but… more…alternative flower, I guess…”

As the nervous laugh started escaping her mouth, Nova decided it was time to remain in silence for a couple of seconds, until she recovered her will.

She wasn’t good at talking, let alone making monologues…but, in the end, she continued what she had started.

“You used to say I was a rough one.” She said, gulping. “And I never said anything because…you weren’t wrong. But maybe you were too… I mean, you were. Absolutely. You demolished a government and that stuff…But I guess you were too…too you to find other adjectives to describe other people. And, like, you had everything I still have to live without to this day…and after all, that was just you. Not that you …awful…”

She chuckled involuntarily.

“…attitude was fine. But we were used to it.”

Nova started at the headstone, waiting for a signal that, of course, never came. And, after sighing, Nova reached for the paper bag, and took the honey jar from it.

“Lately…” She began, still holding it between her hands, gently. “I’ve been drinking a lot of tea… but when I first started drinking it, I needed honey to sweeten it…but you’re no longer here, so I looked everywhere throughout Gatlon until I came across this…organic store in the downtown market. Turns out the owner runs a honey farm, and that’s where I’ve been getting my honey from. It doesn't taste the same, but it’s a little close...way closer than the one from the supermarket, I must say and I… I don’t know why I brought it here because you didn’t like to share your honey but you went apeshit every time somebody brought honey from the street to the tunnels…but I guess that…I don’t know. That’s just what I’ve been up to.”

After that last sentence, she placed the jar next to flowers, and once she saw both things together, next to each other, she felt like an idiot.

However, she also noticed they didn’t look that bad.

In that moment, she became speechless, as if that scene had been enough to shatter and destroy the willpower she had managed to accumulate, and the sound had abandoned her body. She felt intimidated.

But, once again, she refused to run away.

Nova didn’t run away, because that was what she had been taught, and also what she had been reminding herself through all these years; she stayed there, with her hands still on her lap, observing the glass bee that stood in front of her; the same bee that, for a moment, looked like Honey herself, imitating Nova’s posture like a mirror that reflected everything Nova had been after Ace took everything from her.

Being conscious it was nothing but a fantasy of what she desired to see, Nova fought the urge to touch Honey Harper, who was staring back at her with a neutral expression; her perfect skin; her bouncy, shiny blonde curls; her sharp nails with shimmering nail polish, and the sweet smell emanating from her body.

Honey Harper was gone in a blink, as fast as she had appeared, but Nova’s gaze remained fixated in the spot where she had previously been.

“The trigger…is one of the heaviest things I’ve ever had to pull.” She said in a low, hoarse voice. “And…If I’m being honest, I’ll never be able to understand how you guys did it so…easily. “

So then, before she had time to regret it or reconsider it, Nova held her hand forward, until she was able to touch the bee, forcing the words she had been keeping for herself for years to come out.

“I don’t know where you went, Honey. Or if…you went anywhere at all.” She lowered her gaze, only to lift her head up again a couple of seconds later.

“But I hope you know that you hurt me, and I hurt you…but it’s all forgiven. So I hope you can forgive me too.”

Heart pounding, Nova caressed the inscription.

“You were out of control. Someday you’ll understand.”

Being that said, she tried to shake the dreadful sensation out of her body and got on her feet, taking the dust off her jeans with her palms.

“I l…” Nova closed her eyes and massaged the bridge of her nose. “I...I’ll see you later.”

Hoping her broken voice had gone unnoticed, Nova turned around.

She waited until she was far enough from Honey’s headstone, in the privacy of her car, to use her empty arms to hold herself; she had come into terms with the fact she had no more tears to shed from that night at the cathedral, but she still teared up a bit.

Then, as she felt the closure her heart had been pleading to have, she finally managed to smile a little, as the position of her arms changed, moving towards her belly.

Deep down, through the unknown itch and the foreign feeling of freedom, a thought crossed her mind. About how Honey always claimed to be able to know when a woman was expecting just by staring into her eyes.

And for some reason, it seemed funny to her.

Maybe, when her baby bump was a little more noticeable, she would come back to visit and tell her all about it.

[calypsoff]

Thirty Nine.

I’m a little nervous, like not even going to front and lie about it but I am very nervous. I am going to meet TJ and Barry, they maybe coming to the home or I meet them. No support, no walking frame, no walking stick or crutches. Just me on my own, I’ve spoken about this day to my therapist, and it’s arrived. He said it’s the day of your freedom, take it with both hands and do it. Barry and TJ said they will come here to me, not seen them in months so I hope they come here first, being able to walk on my own is a blessing, I get emotional thinking about it. I worked so hard for this, lots of work and sweat to just get to this moment of freedom. I can walk on my own, I’m a little slow but I do it and that is the point. My trainer said to keep it to a minimum, meaning long walks is a no but walk. So I am doing just that, Robyn came to see me for the month off and we didn’t have sex, that wasn’t on my mind, she was angrier about my hair and beard, I wanted to I don’t know, surprise her. Which I am, because I’m getting on a flight to Barbados tonight, just for her. She thinks I am staying here; she is currently confused on what to do because after her very last date she wants to stay there, but she thinks I’m not coming but I am. It’s to surprise her, with my new look. I am very happy “Chris” my mother knocked on my bedroom door “come in” I said, she opened the door slowly “shall I finish packing your suitcase?” Nodding my head “also your barber has arrived baby, I’m so excited to see you shaven” I think everyone is “same, I feel like my confidence is going to hit the roof but let me go and see him. He going to be scared” getting up from the bed “it’s been painful to see the mess of your hair” my mother is rude for that.

Making my way to the kitchen “fuck off, you are not Chris Brown. You’re not the nigga I saw last” JC screamed out laughing “are you serious?” He walked over to me so shocked, he is shook “bro, you good?” He hugged me, like he missed me “I’m alive, I just been through hell and back. I’m glad to see you here, my girlfriend is driving me crazy about this beard” he moved back from the hug “not surprised, wow. How you been? I heard you got shot on TMZ, after that no news everything went quiet, come. Sit down, I can’t wait to get your hair done. Usual?” Sitting down on the chair “yeh usual, I just been through hell and back, not going to lie. I have been just trying to put my all into walking again, you see I am a little slow with things but I’m getting there. I just been through so much pain and hurt, like a lot of shit. I stayed away from social media, just concentrated on myself, I needed to get better for myself. Now I am ready to go back to that life, I am ready to be me again” rubbing my beard for the very last time “I actually want blonde coloured curls and side low skin haircut, I want that bro if you can” I want to colour my hair again “I got you! It’s so good to see you, Drake been giving you love online. We all were to be honest, am I the first to see you after all this time” nodding my head smiling “you are bro” it’s good to feel this love from people, I didn’t think they cared like that “I am so glad you good though, has the process been hard for you?” He asked “it’s been so hard, I mean look at me, and I got a girl like Rihanna walking around. Man, I was scared she would have left me but god bless my wife she been there for me, I am ready for the world now” I can’t wait to just get back out there.

I looked at myself in amazement “can you crush on yourself?” JC busted out laughing “I look good, I look sexy as fuck. I ain’t going to be big headed but damn, you done wonders. That is me, I am so happy JC. Hand on my heart, you just gave me a new lease of life with this haircut. It’s what I wanted” getting up from the chair as he moved the mirror back “you going to get laid tonight bro, on my life you are” I laughed “what makes you think I wasn’t, joking. She would rather stay away from me but thank you. Look at the floor, it’s like a hairy ass dog just lost his hair. God damn” that is crazy, the amount of hair he cut off “you look well Chris, better than before” raising an eyebrow “for real? What makes you say that?” Didn’t expect that from him “you’re happier, vibrant. The happiness you feel within yourself is showing Chris, I feel it” that is impressive “it’s all love bro” dapping him “my handsome son! Oh my god, you have done gods work on him, Christopher” my mother just hugged me from behind “Mrs Brown, nice to meet you. My hands hurt now, but you like it? Just how he wanted” my mother was way too excited, she disliked I did that but accepted it, as she would “now this is my son, he kept it to annoy Robyn but annoyed everyone else around you too” my mother speaking the truth now “wow, you should love me no matter what, rude” my mother let me go and I turned around “such a handsome boy, I love you” I cooed out “I love you too ma” hugging my mother “I can’t believe you’re showing me this love now, the hell happened before?” She is so rude.

The boys both decided that they would come here to see me, it’s been a while so it will be emotional, and they are here, I mean I’m all clean now. I can kind of walk I guess, dragging open the door “my fucking brother” TJ is the first one to hug me, I fell back a little “you had me scared out here, it’s been months without seeing you or really speaking to you” he patted my back “I fucking missed you!” Smiling so wide “I missed both you and Barry, it’s been hard on me. I drove myself insane, I really had to pull myself out” TJ moved back, the grip he had on me there “you been working out?” He pointed at me “wouldn’t you like to know” I laughed “bring it in brother” walking to Barry “I love you so much” hugging him “I love you too, I’m so blessed to be here. To be alive, to see you both. To see you all actually, I am so blessed have you both as friends, Robyn told me you both kept the business alive and did so much. I know I kept away from you both, not because I hate you both, but I was going through it. When I got shot it just topped it off, I wasn’t me and I just needed time” moving back from the hug feeling a little choked up “It’s ok, I am glad to see you here with us, smiling and you right. I think Chris got muscle now, can you walk ok though?” Barry questioned, I shrugged “uhm a little bit I guess, I am better than I was. I can walk but I am slow with it, I take time to get to places, but I am ok, I am without any walking frame anymore, so all is well, but please come in. Let’s talk” I gestured.

My mother is always showing out with guests, she has bought out the snacks and drinks but I ain’t got time, I got to get a ring for Robyn “how is Camron? Yo, when I heard you called him Camron Myles, it made my heart so warm. You really did that, why? Also what did Robyn send you, you know that wasn’t me?” TJ laughed “nigga I knew it wasn’t you, she sent a baby grow set, a Gucci one and a Dior set for him. I was shocked. I didn’t expect it, I put it up on my Instagram. Thank you either way, even though you weren’t aware of it, you both come as a team so it’s whatever. I am happy, and I was just thinking how you pulled me and Barry out the hood, you have got us out of a place where we could have been stuck in, VA ain’t all that. You are taking us with you, you ain’t changed on us. I just feel like I am going to be able to provide for my son because of you, you’re my brother and I love you” I cooed out “I can’t wait to meet him bro, is he light skinned like you?” he grinned “you know that he so white I didn’t think he was mine, I was there for the birth. I admire her for going through that pain, not for me though. Good luck when it’s your turn, blood and her cooch was turning all different sizes. It’s the way it just popped out, I was shook” I cringed “dang, that sounds terrible. I think I will be elsewhere for the day when it happens” I say that but it’s a lie, I have no choice in that “but I got a little something I need to tell you boys, I am going to Barbados. Robyn doesn’t know, I am going there to surprise her and also I am going to propose to Robyn while we in Barbados, I think she deserves the title after taking care of me, she did things no woman would generally do, that is on god so yeah” TJ and Barry both dapped each other cheering “knew it! I knew it, I said it to TJ. Soon, but why not, she is beautiful and also has a beautiful heart” I grinned hearing that, she really does “so I need to get a ring before I go, just engagement for now” I don’t even know where to start, how to even get a ring for Robyn.

Ring shopping is actually so hard, I didn’t ever think it would be, but it is. I mean I am trying to ball on a budget first of all but I also cannot do that because this is Rihanna, this is someone that will be showing the ring off so I am digging deep into the savings, I mean I could get her something up to twenty thousand and that is it, I can’t go further then that but if I do that, I have spent all of my savings from the sale of the apartment, so I need to be careful. I do not want to touch my money from the business, that is separate “man, this is long” TJ said, rolling my eyes “you know what sir, what are you looking for?” even the girl is fed up “something that makes a statement but is not like thirty thousand, like I love that ring but it was overboard, I want to spend money but also not too much” she nodded her head “I will be back, please wait here” I hope she can come up with something “I really liked the ring too” I am annoyed that I have to be broke “I told you to take it from the business account but you won’t” they did both say it, but I ain’t doing it. If I do it then it’s like a free for all, we all will do it then “I appreciate that you both did it but no” the lady came back into the room “I really like this, it’s eighteen carat white gold, emerald diamond vintage ring. It is fourteen thousand dollars, it makes a statement like you said, it’s not as big as the thirty thousand but it still makes enough noise, you must really love this girl. I have had men that do not go above a rack” I chuckled “well, there is a reason for that. You may find out soon but thank you” taking the ring for her, it carries weight actually “I like this you know, it’s thick too. You think you could see twin with this on” placing it on my pinkie finger “hell yes, out of them all. That looks good, perfect size for her fingers” looking at the ring on my finger, I think I got a winner here.

My mother gushed over the ring; she is in awe “how much was this?” she questioned “erm guess” placing my hands behind my back “I think this was above twenty thousand?” I am glad she said that “nope, fourteen thousand. I am glad you said that because then it looks expensive. It needs to be right for her. But yeah, I am ready” I sighed out “I am going to hang with the boys outside, be back before I leave for Barbados” pressing a kiss to the side of my mother’ head before walking off, I am so amped for this. I am so confident and happy; I can’t wait to see Robyn. I can’t wait to just hold her, I have missed her so much “you got the blunt going?” TJ held out the blunt to me, grabbing the blunt “I have not had one in so long” placing the blunt between my lips, feeling the smoke fill my lungs. Blowing the smoke out between my lips “here” holding the blunt out back to him “Cali weed is always good but look” lifting my tee up “look at this nigga, he never had a six pack at all” Barry laughed out “bro, I am happy as fuck. Take a picture actually” I need to get back in the game, show the world I am back.

Pressing post on the Instagram post, I just posted my lower half. I ain’t post my face, I am just so proud of my six pack “reenergised? My nigga!” TJ laughed “you get my updates? Wow, I feel you crushing on me hard, I can tell you do” locking my phone “nah, I was already looking and you said you posted” rolling my eyes “sure, I got a ugly ass scar on my thigh though but it is what it is, I am happy” my phone started ringing in my hand, answering Robyn’ call “hey twin” TJ snorted laughing “so we posting thirst traps now?” raising an eyebrow “really? What is that?” I questioned “reenergised and you’re showing your six pack off? Like?” letting out an oh “I don’t post thirst traps, I am just happy with my accomplishment” Robyn is so annoyed “I mean it’s nothing, so are you coming home when you finished your tour?” she is annoyed, I know it “I want to go back to your post, you don’t even send me pictures, show me your face right now” laughing at Robyn being like this “uh, not right now. I will later, stop being this way Robyn” chewing on my bottom lip “that other women are looking at my man’ body, the first thing you put after months. I am going to snap on any bitch thirsting on your page, I am very offended you’re not sending me these pictures Chris!” let me stop laughing “twin, stop. You’re not like this, it’s just a friendly post that got your panties wet” Robyn groaned out “you’re so annoying, honestly” I do love her a lot “show me your face” she ain’t going to drop it “you think I have shaven? No ma’am” I will continue to annoy her, wait till I see her tomorrow she is going to be crying.

[beautifulletdownfics]

Twenty Good Reasons :: Part Nine

I woke to hands running up and down the back of my thighs.

"There she is," Harry croaked softly, the duvet falling moving off me as he rose up, so his chest pressed against my shoulder while his mouth traced the line of my jaw, "G' morning."

"Hi," I sucked in my tummy when Harry pressed one hand into my stomach, and the other rose up the small of my back, "This is nice.”

"Hmm," Harry agreed, his lips vibrating against the skin of my neck, "Arms," He said quietly, drawing my t-shirt up with his hands and moving back to pull it up over my shoulders and then off my head, "That's better, lemme see you.”

I lay beneath him naked, but yawned and stretched my arms up above my head to push away the tightness in my muscles from sleep. Harry's eyes greedily took me in, and I could feel him hardening against my thigh. We'd not gone to bed until around 3am the night before, and after a quick fuck in the shower had collapsed into bed without the tender reunion I had been craving.

This was more like it.

"You're beautiful," He said, pressed a warm kiss to the skin under my left breast.

My hands came down to tangle in his hair, holding him in place for a moment before Harry raised his mouth and licked up and over my nipple. His face appeared in front of mine, wearing an expression that told me he was planning on driving me absolutely insane.

His dimples popped in a glinting smirk, and he gave me a sweet, chaste kiss, "What time did you want to leave for Bath?”

"You're coming?" I asked hesitatingly, he'd not given me an answer last night.

Harry nodded, "Yeah, I am. Sent Dan an email, might have to take a few calls but they should be fine without me."

I wound my arms around his neck and pulled him down, pressing my smiling lips against his, "Thank you. Thank you," I kissed his mouth over and over, "I think this is a good idea."

"Me too. Now, how much time do we have?" His fingers pressed into the skin of my hips and pulled me back to the moment.

"We can go whenever," I replied, distracted when Harry's hands slipped under my thighs, and he started hitching my legs up around his waist, "Whenever you want."

His head tilted to the side, amused that he was flustering me, "Whenever?"

"Don't be a tease, Harry," I breathed.

Harry rocked his hips against mine, and sucked in a breath when his cock slipped between my legs and pressed into me there, "M'not teasing," He muttered, "M'being sexy."

I clamped my hips together to try to hold him in place, and Harry's sucked in a breath, "Be sexier if you were inside me."

I knew I'd won because he groaned and cursed, dropped his forehead to my shoulder and swiftly slipped inside me. Harry held himself still for a moment, watching the ecstasy play out on my face before he pulled out and started pumping. Watching Harry like this never got old. He bumped his nose against mine and covered my mouth with his, only halting a moment when I scraped my nails down his back and held onto his backside, urging him on.

With a satisfying gleam to his skin, Harry brought us both to orgasm, letting us come down from them slowly. When he pulled out and away, he laced his fingers through mine and pulled me up on shaky legs for a shower.

Under the spray, Harry held me tightly against his chest, and we stood together for a long time, not speaking. I watched the water bouncing off his shoulders and running down the front of his chest while his fingers mindlessly sorted out the tangles in my hair.

"We're gonna be alright," He murmured so quietly I almost missed it. "Promise we are."

++

Harry drove to Bath, and for the first little bit Dan, his manager, was on speakerphone giving an update on the meetings he missed that morning.

I didn't mind. I put my headphones on and worked on my laptop.

After an hour, Harry's hand landed on my thigh, and I pulled the headphones off, "How's it coming along?"

I saved the program I was working in and shut the lid, "It's going okay, actually. Struggling with the strings, but I always do."

"Hmm," Harry hums, knowing the tears that I've shed over violas and cellos over the years, "Maybe your dad could help over the next few days."

"I'm hoping he will … He's got an exciting announcement to make tonight at dinner," I grinned at Harry when he looked over at me, "I'm sworn to secrecy though, so you have to wait. Not even my mum knows."

"Tell me," Harry states plainly, shaking his head at me, "You have to now that you've said that!"

"I can't," I propped my knee up to my chest and held Harry's hand up to my cheek, "But we should stop somewhere on the way and get some champagne."

Harry rolled his eyes at me but agreed if there was one thing I knew about him it was that he didn't shy away from a celebration that warranted champagne.

By the time we were rolling into the driveway of the sweet AirBnB my parents had booked for the week, it was nearing 4pm. We had stopped on the way for lunch and for Harry to spend nearly forty minutes deciding what celebratory drink everyone would want for a celebration he had no idea of the details of. I'd already called my mum to let her know Harry was coming back with me, and part of Harry's extreme detail orientation I decided might be down to him being unsure of how much my family knew about our last few rocky weeks.

My parents were standing on the front step when we walked up to the house, "Hello!"

"Hiya," Harry smiled up at them both, "Nice digs!"

"It is beautiful, isn't it?" My mum responded, taking a bag from my hands and going back through the door. "Laykn's putting the kettle on for a brew."

We all walked through to the kitchen, Harry put our bags near the stairs up to the bedrooms. He walked around, sticking his nose into every room to check them all out then eventually found his way to my side at the breakfast bar.

"What have you all been up to here," Harry asked, taking a sip of the tea my dad handed him.

Almost an hour later, between Harry and Laykn, nearly all the afternoon tea baking my mother had prepared had been devoured. Everyone slowly retreated and left the kitchen—Harry and Laykn went for a run, and my dad went back to finish some work—but I stayed watching my mum prepare the lasagne for dinner. After a few minutes, she started bringing out items for a salad and held the knife up to me, inviting me to help if I wanted to.

"How are you?" She asked quietly once I was settled chopping the celery.

The worried look on her face was warranted.

When I arrived in Bath by myself the night before last, the moment I saw my parents, I burst into tears. I spent the night on the sofa with my mum pouring my heart out about Harry and I, and how scared I was we were going to break up. I still hadn't completely let go of the fear, but at least Harry and I had gotten somewhere since he landed in London.

"Better than I was," I told her simply, "Still worried about Harry. Maybe more so now … But … I think we'll be okay."

"Relationships are hard," Mum told me, repeating the line she'd used multiple times two nights ago. She was waiting for me to offer more. I knew she wouldn't push me if I didn't want to, but I was surprised by how much offloading it all on her had helped, and I knew nothing good came from any of us bottling things up.

"The first hour or so with him last night was awful," I started slowly, "He's so wrapped up in work at the moment, and I've never seen him so angry about anything as he is about this leak. I think …" I shook my head, "I don't know. He bottles things up, which scares me. When it comes out there's stuff bothering him we haven't spoken about, and I just feel blind-sighted or like I've failed on something I never had the chance to help with in the first place."

Mum didn't say anything for a little while, "You know … When your dad and I got married, it was normal to do marriage counselling before your wedding. Maybe you and Harry should consider some kind of couples therapy … It might help iron out any kinks or bad habits you don't want to take further into the relationship."

Both Harry and I had separately spoken to people over the years. Harry had a therapist in L.A. I knew he liked and often used to talk to when he was touring. I hadn't heard him mention them in a long time though. And I had my own monthly check-ins with my own psychologist.

I'd never considered seeing anyone together. That felt like a last resort, anomy gut reaction was that Harry and I weren't at last resort.

Maybe this was how to avoid that, though.

"I'm not trying to suggest anything—

"I know you're not," I cut her off, "I was thinking … It's probably not a bad idea. It's just …"

"Tricky to bring up," She finished for me.

"Yeah."

My mother, in her wisdom, left me to think about it and we spent the rest of the time together cooking chatting back and forth about what we could all do as a group the following day. Harry and Laykn returned from their run, traipsing right through the kitchen to see how long dinner was. As he passed me, Harry pressed a sweet kiss to my cheek and went up to shower. I wondered if his head was swirling like mine was, a hundred little fixes and doses of care our relationship needed running ragged in my thoughts.

Over dinner, my dad shared his exciting news. We popped the bottles of champagne as the letter he received was readout. The letter detailed his being awarded an Order of the British Empire for contributions to Music and the Arts. Dad managed to keep it a secret from my mum, so her reaction was the one I waited to see. Tears instantly rimmed her eyes, and she snatched the precious letter from him, having to read it herself.

"Dad's a bloody knight!" Laykn cried out.

"And a Sir," Dad laughed, "Don't forget that, son."

"It's incredible!" Harry added happily, "Congratulations! That's … I mean it's … So well deserved. Cheers!"

Our glasses all chinked together again as everyone cheered, and it was impossible not to be swept into the celebration.

I caught my dad's eye, and he gave me a wink.

++

After dinner, Harry and I ended up curled up on the small outdoor sofa on the patio. Harry lit the fire pit, and we put on extra layers of clothing and stole a blanket. With legs tangled together and Harry's arm around my shoulder, we watched the flames quietly.

I coughed into my hand and dropped my head to Harry's chest, "Harry?

"Yeah."

"I think we need to move."

"Move … Like houses? In London?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I do. I love our house … So much but …"

Harry rubbed his hand up and down my arm when I started getting choked up, "I know. I love that house too. But I don't know how we can make it more secure. We should look for something more secure."

I pulled his hand out from under the blanket and settled his fingers through mine, "And maybe we just have to think of it as like, a new start for when we get married? Something with a garden big enough for the dog that you'll convince me to get someday."

Harry's chest moved behind me as he chuckled, "I'm getting close to convincing you, hey?"

I only nodded in response.

"I'll ask around for a good agent in London," Harry continued slowly, "We can start looking together when I'm back."

Harry had just three weeks left of this half of his tour. Then, there would be a whole month until he started again in Europe and the U.K. Thankfully the second half of the tour was shorter, the countries were closer together, and I'd be able to see him more often. The Asian and U.S. legs always dragged on.

"There's something else," I said before I could back out of it.

"Hmm?" Harry took a sip of what would now be a cold tea. He leant forward to put it on the ground near our feet. "What?"

I bit my lip, not sure how Harry was going to react. I was terrified it wouldn't go well.

"I …"

"You?" Harry squeezed my arm lightly, "Spit it out, you're starting to freak me out, love."

He wasn't going to take this well. I knew he wasn't.

I took in a deep breath and tried to say it as best I could, "The last couple of weeks really scared me, Harry … And I wonder if when you're home, maybe it could be worthwhile going to see someone together?"

My words hung in the air, no reply came from Harry for long enough that I craned my head around to look up at him. He was frowning harshly at the fire, jaw clicked in and eyes set. I watched his nostrils flare slightly and then looked away, waiting.

"I think it could be useful to …" I thought of my mother's words from earlier, "Sort out things we don't want to become habits."

Harry looked out to the garden, "So that's it then, you've decided?"

"No," I shook my head, "I just wanted to talk to you about what you thought. Whether you think it's something we should do."

"Well, obviously I look like a wanker if I say no," He retorted quickly.

"I didn't mean to make you feel trapped in it," I said, "Twenty four hours ago I thought we were going to break up, Harry! I don't want to get to that point again. You didn't feel like you could talk to me about what was going on and I hate that, I need to get better at that."

"So you go see someone then," Harry said, standing up abruptly, "I'm going to bed," He mumbled out, leaving me alone in the with only the sound of the door to the kitchen closing a little too hard.

I'm not sure what I had expected. Not from Harry at the moment. Not when he had everything else going on. I piled onto it and ruined the tiny island of peace we'd managed to construct in the midst of it all.

"Shit," I whispered into the night, unable to stop the tears that arrived almost immediately.

My first instinct was to go upstairs after Harry straight away. I decided to stay put though, deciding going now with my emotions pouring out of me wouldn't be helpful. My instinct was what got me here in the first place. So I spent my second night in Bath with tears falling down my face, worried about Harry and I.

It was such a strange landscape to be in. I could honestly say in all of our relationship I'd spent hardly any time doubting it or worrying we weren't working. Even when the first break-in happened, and we had time apart, I never arrived at the thought Harry and I weren't suited. We broke then because fear and anxiety and trauma sullied the water and my depressive episode had me completely self-destructing.

I wiped my face with the sleeves of my jumper, not wanting to go back to that place. Right now, it wasn't about me. Harry was struggling, and it would serve us both well if I remembered that and didn't get caught up in my own mind.

"I'm going to bed," I said to my parents as I walked passed the living room, "Dad, can you put the fire out?"

"Sure thing," He nodded.

"Sleep well," My mum said, smiling warmly at me. I was glad for the darkness hiding my red, puffy face.

"G'night," I waved before making my way to the stairs.

The bedroom was dark when I slipped through the door, trying not to let too much light from the hallway in. Harry was just a lump on his side of the bed. A few of his belongings were around the room. I turned on the light in the ensuite and then mostly shut the door, giving off just enough light for me to find what I needed in the dark.

A few minutes later, in complete darkness, I sided up to the bed and slipped under the covers. I held my breath, hoping I hadn't disturbed Harry or woken him if he was asleep. I was fully expecting him to pretend to be asleep or rollover to face away from me. But after a long time of lying on my back, starring into the dark, I started easing my shoulders into the mattress, beginning to relax.

I woke with a start to the bed, shifting around me, in sleep, I had rolled into the middle. My eyes opened to see Harry's back rising above me as he got out from under the sheets. I listened to him move around the room for a few minutes before the door opened and clicked shut behind him.

I turned back for my phone and read the time, 5:27am.

My mind naturally compared this morning to the one before it, when I woke up to Harry running his hands all over my body. Now, it seemed he couldn't face lying next to me a minute longer than necessary.

I let out a long sigh and tried to stop the tears, instead of rolling back into the middle of the bed and willing myself to go back to sleep for a few more hours. Harry probably took his laptop down to the kitchen to do some work with a coffee. Or he was figuring out a way to get an earlier flight back to where the tour was picking up again. I squeezed my eyes shut and banished the thought.

For the second time that morning, the bed moved around and woke me from sleep.

"I'm sorry," Harry said quietly, his hair wet from the shower as he sat on top of the covers watching me. A drop fell on my exposed shoulder, and his eye followed it before he lent down to press a gentle kiss there, "I was a jerk. Again."

Barely awake, I blinked at him and wondered where the softness in him was coming from, "I didn't mean to upset you."

"I know," He smiled sadly, standing up and joining me under the covers, "I got defensive. Felt angry about it for some reason."

"Where did you go?" I asked, taking in his freshly showered state and the pink on his cheeks from the cold outside.

"For a run with Laykn."

I felt my eyebrows rise, "Another one?"

"He's got girl troubles," Harry supplied carefully with a look that told me not to pry, "Helped me clear my head too. I'm … I'm scared about the thought of us needing help, Nina. I hate feeling like we're failing at this somehow. It's shit. I … I just want things to feel … Not like this."

"Me too."

He pushed some hair off my cheek and left his hand, resting comfortably on my neck, "I know. And I think seeing someone … It definitely can't hurt, can it?"

I swallowed, "I'd rather go see someone now than two years down the track when it's too late, and we've hurt each other too much."

Harry nodded against the pillow and gave me a strained smile, "I figured that out at about mile four."

There was something about the security of being in bed that was both calming and somehow propelling. I reached for Harry's hand and slowly brought his knuckles up to my lips. After a few soft kisses, I pulled back and rested my chin against the back of his hand, "I love you."

"I love you," Harry returned, "You're my favourite soul on earth, always."

++

"What's all this?" I stood in the kitchen door, emerging after working on my compositions for much of the afternoon.

Harry frowned and pressed his wrists to his hips, mucky fingers sticking out in a deliberate attempt to keep his sweater clean, "Well, it's a …" He waved one hand around over the kitchen bench, searching for his words, "It's ravioli. Mushroom ravioli with truffle oil and sage." Harry gave his handiwork a decisive nod.

"Oh."

"It's got truffle oil in," Laykn piped up from where he was crouched in front of the oven.

I frowned at my brother, "Ravioli goes in the oven?"

Harry's frown line got more profound as he looked up at me, "We've never made it before! Don't be rude."

I held up both hands and shuffled into the kitchen, laughing, "I'm not rude! It was a genuine question."

"You were judging us, I could hear it," He accused, flour coating the wine glass he brought up to his lips. Harry and my brother were quite a pair.

"I wasn't, you know I couldn't do any better, but at least I can follow a recipe … You never do which sometimes ends up great but often ends up … Interestingly."

"You really are being rude today, aren't you," Harry narrowed his eyes at me, "And you've stolen my clothes again!"

I shrugged, "They're comfier. And they're clean."

"You could wash your clothes, you know," Harry grumbled, but it wasn't genuine. He was grinning at me.

"Okay," I rounded the bench to Harry and slotted my arms around his middle, "Conversation do-over, I love you, and I love that you've made us pasta for tea. It smells delicious, and the cook never does the cleanup, I'll wash up after."

"I helped you know!" Laykn yelped behind us, "Why does he get all the credit."

I turned to my brother, "Because you're a pathetic cook and Harry's a fantastic one. It's not hard to figure; he did all the heavy lifting."

"Thank you," Harry nods, "I am a bloody fantastic chef."

"Cook," I corrected teasingly, "I didn't call you a chef."

"Finally," Laykn grinned at Harry, "M'glad to see her giving you shit for once. Picks on me all the time but the sun shines straight out of your arse."

I was dying to ask about what Harry had diagnosed as Laykn's 'girl trouble' but didn't. I hoped that with their time running and cooking together, my brother had been able to find a dependable friend in Harry. I wondered if it was reciprocal but figured it probably was only to a degree. My big sister urge to step in and demand an emotional declaration from my brother itched.

"Have you made a dessert?" I asked them instead.

Laykn tutted at me dramatically, and Harry sighed heavily, pushing me away gently, "She's got no bloody faith in us, Layk."

"None at all," Laykn returned, pulling a dish from the fridge and holding it out in front of me.

"Honeycomb mousse?"

"The Anne Styles Classic," Harry confirmed, "Rang her for the recipe and everything."

"Could we skip the ravioli and go straight to the second course?" I asked cheekily, knowing Anne's mousse was absolutely to die for.

Harry flicked me with the tea towel I hadn't noticed was right next to him on the counter, "Alright, that's enough out of you, out. Out! Go away until we say dinner's ready."

I skipped out of the kitchen happily, holding my bottom where he'd managed to whip me multiple times. The day had settled nicely. Harry and I went for a long walk after breakfast. We talked more about the process of buying a new place in London and listing the old one for sale. Harry wanted to discuss budgets and money, but I managed to get him to agree to wait until we properly started looking. I wasn't keen on going all out with something luxurious, I wanted something that felt like a home.

We spoke about our wedding as well, and by the end of that conversation, I felt a weight lifted I hadn't realised was there. I was exhausted by people asking—all well-meaning, of course—about details Harry and I just didn't have yet. They were decisions I didn't want to be making on my own.

A lot was going to have to fit into the month break Harry had coming up.

++

"Can you tell me what's going on with my brother?"

"No," Harry replied, eyes on the road.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," Harry confirmed.

I sat back in my seat, Bach playing through the car speakers as we drove back to London for Harry to catch his flight, "Is he okay?"

Harry's head turned to me quickly, "Of course he is. I wouldn't keep anything severe from you. He'll share when he's ready. I think he's going to go on a trip somewhere though, just a heads up. Getaway, out of his own head, you know?"

"Like overseas?" I asked with a frown, "Why didn't you just invite him to tour with you for a bit."

Harry smiled, "That was the first thing I did, love. But he needs to get out into nature for a bit or go explore someplace he's never been. I've told him before he can come to meet me anytime, he knows that."

"Did Layk get his heart broken?" I guessed sadly.

"Something like that," Harry provided carefully. "Stop asking me about it though, he asked me not to share it."

"Okay," I gave in finally, accepting Harry's hand when he offered it to me, "How are you feeling? Excited to get back to it?"

"A little," He began, "Gets harder leaving you every time, though, doesn't it?"

My heart sank a little, I felt the same but didn't want to bring Harry down or contribute to the feeling, "We'll be better this time. We've got a plan, right?"

"Right." Harry nodded.

I desperately wanted to suggest that Harry contact his therapist and start-up that habit during touring but didn't want to push him. It felt like something I should let Harry come to himself. I didn't want to over insert myself, which was hard when I knew without a doubt, it was what would be best for him.

"And you need a few weeks of performances before I come for the last one anyway," I tried lightening the mood, "You need practice, so my show is the best one."

++

Oh boy are you guys ready for this?

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #323

“dehumanized upon a shell  /  we came to bleed it dry  /  obsessed with divine wealth  /  divide and multiply”

Have you ever drawn on someone’s face while they were sleeping? No. Would you scuba dive in shark infested waters if you had the chance? No thanks. What is your favorite slow song? There are so many, but one of the slowest and most beloved of mine is "Obstacles" by Syd Matters. It gives me goosebumps without fail. It's one song I know I want at my hypothetical wedding. If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? I mean, yeah. I'd want to know their intentions. If your best friend died, would you be able to speak at their funeral? It'd be extremely difficult, but if I had any say in it, I absolutely would. Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Sometimes. Other times it causes too much pain, depending on the pictures, of course. Do you tend to have a lot of drama in your life? Definitely not. My life is painfully uneventful. When’s the last time someone was disappointed in you? I don't know. Do you have a house phone? No. Which fast food place do you eat at the most? McDonald's. Have you ever met someone on the Internet in real life? Yep. What’s your favorite color to wear? Black. Do you like being in pictures? No. Do you travel a lot? Essentially never, even though I'd love to. Do you play any sports? No. Do you like pickles? Yesssss. How many times have you been kicked out of a store? Never. Is there things you’ve told someone that you’ve NEVER told anyone else? Probably. When was the last time you had alcohol? My birthday dinner last month. Are you one to often make typos? No, except when I'm texting. I have autocorrect on for a reason. On a hot day, would you rather prefer ice cream or a popsicle? Ice cream. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yes, but I just didn't want to drink anymore at one point. I'm far from a lightweight, apparently. Have you played cards recently? No. Is there a band you like with amazing music but a bad vocalist? Mother Mother immediately comes to mind, but not the main singer; he's great. The woman who occasionally joins in is fucking horrendous. Like, it hurts my ears. Is there a certain song you like to headbang to? I don't and never have really headbanged, surprisingly. It's a sure-fire way to make me dizzy. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I hope not... Sometimes I feel like it's time with photography, but I just. Can't. Have you ever captured a moth? I've raised a caterpillar into one before, then of course let it go. Is there a band/artist who has strange lyrics but you love them anyway? Otep, noteably. When was the last time you wore earrings? It's been a long time. How many pairs of heels do you own? I don't think I have any. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? Uhhhh it's been at the very least a month, but I know more. Would you consider yourself to be physically strong? Absolutely not, especially my legs. I struggle to fucking walk because they're so weak. Have you ever painted a piece of furniture? Yes, actually. I helped Jason paint his shelf black. Do you have a really fat cat? No, we never have. We've always been good about keeping our pets at a healthy weight. Do your initials spell a word? No. When was the last time you went to a playground? A year or so ago when I was taking pictures of someone's son, as well as just general family photos. That same family just had another baby the other day. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No. Do you have a favorite curse word in a different language? No. Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multipication times tables? Lol not most of them, no... It's been way too long. Do you have a favorite font on the computer? Of the basic ones, probably Garamond. Are you good at creating logos? *shrugs* I've only ever really made my photography watermarks, and I only JUST made one I like pretty well. How about catch phrases? I don't make those. Have you ever been severely burned? Not severely, no. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I've actually had numerous dreams where I was pregnant, but I don't THINK I've had one where the baby was born yet. Do you or anyone you know have a rabbit? No. What was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road? Hm, nothing too weird, I think. Last song you got stuck in your head? "ALTÆR" by 3TEETH. Last song you listened to? ^ Favorite movie quote? I don't know. Maybe Rafiki's quote about the past hurting, but you should take that opportunity to learn. Favorite lyric? That is impossible. There are so, so very many that just like slather me in goosebumps. What magazine are you an avid reader to? None. Have you ever gone a full day without interacting with another person? I have. How many relationships have you been in that lasted less than a year? Four. Have you ever been significantly more physically fit than you are now? Man, take me the hell back to my WiiFit days. I was pretty damn fit. The last time I did it, it was seriously alarming how much I struggled doing things that were once pretty effortless. When growing up, did you parents keep the house very tidy? "Very" seems a bit too much, but Mom definitely kept it in order. How many watches do you own? None. Should teenagers be allowed to have their cell phones with them in class? Yes. Emergencies happen. Do you have any gay relatives? Yes; my mom has a cousin who's gay. Have you unfollowed, deleted, or blocked anyone on social media recently? Not recently, no. If so, what was the reason? ^ What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve ever made? Oh, y'know, dropping out of college three fucking times. Once I pay my own bills and I truly understand finances, that's going to fucking wreck me. Do you like metal music? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck yeah. If so, what sub-genres of metal do you like the best? Heavy and symphonic. Who was the last person you sincerely thanked? My mom for bringing home lunch recently. Have you ever been in a relationship where there was a large difference in maturity levels? No. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? Maybe like a month when I was technically homeless? How bad was your acne when you were a teenager? It was preeeetty rough. Do you like strawberry shortcake? No. What’s the last you got out of the freezer? A microwavable breakfast bowl. Do you go on the computer or watch TV more? Guess. Explain why you are single: Because I'm a very, very underdeveloped "adult" that has very little clue what she's doing. At my age, I and any potential partner should want someone with direction. What feature do you usually get most complimented on? My hair. Has anyone ever accused you of being gay? Well, I'm bi. I had this weird therapist once in middle school though who asked if I was a lesbian... Idk why she did? What Facebook groups have you found the most helpful? I'm in an advanced ball python husbandry group, and while a lot of people there are utter, degrading elitists, they do have valuable information. Did you name all of your stuffed animals and dolls? I sure did as a kid. What would you have your bridesmaids wear? Probably black dresses, and I think it'd be really cool if I were to marry a woman, the bridesmaids wear checkered Converses colored into a rainbow pattern, or something like that. Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? I think Alaska, if it was a good time to see the Northern Lights. Are you sick right now? No, thankfully. Do you feel loved? Yes. Do you like your butt? Why or why not? God no. I have such a flat ass. Are you ashamed of your faith? I'm assuming by this you mean religion, in which case, I don't have one and am not ashamed of that. Has anyone ever tried to force their beliefs on you? Yes. Have you ever personally been a victim of homophobia? Again, I'm bisexual. I have never had a personal act of homophobia inflicted upon me, though. Have you ever been accused of being homophobic? Yes, because I was for most of my life. Fucking repulsive to remember. "Repulsive" is much too gentle a word, but yeah. It is so, so embarrassing to recall myself ever believing it was wrong because my then-religion said no-no. Do you think you’d be happier if you had a pet? I have two pets. I would be so, so lonely without any. :/ I've had pets my entire life. Who was the last person you went on a date with? Sara. How long has it been since that last time you went on a date? Like two or so years. Do you think babies are cute? They can be, but I usually don't find them all that cute, honestly. Especially newborns/very young infants. They're usually hideous. My youngest niece is actually the only newborn that I remember seeing that I thought was absolultely precious. What is your favorite style of pants? Ripped skinny jeans. Were you ever hospitalized as a little kid? No. Who was the last person who broke your heart? Jason. ^Do you still miss this person? I'm sure I always will to some degree. Do you have someone to talk to and share your secrets with? Sara more than anyone, but Mom, too. Is there someone you feel extra shy around? Just men in general. Have you been hurt more by friend break-ups or romantic break-ups? Romantic. Closest living thing to you? My snake's terrarium is against the opposite wall. She's in her hide. Would you rather drown or burn alive? Drown. You go unconscious first, so. And I'd assume it to be faster than burning alive. Also me no like hot. :'''( Who is the last person you got really pissed off with? My stepmother posted some ignorant bullshit on Facebook about how people blow out of proportion our "supposed" environmental crisis. I nearly deleted her right then and there. I take that shit seriously. Most of her beliefs drive me insane, honestly, but she's a wonderful person at heart, so I just bit my tongue. Who was the last member of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with? Girt. What type of sushi do you like to eat? Never tried it, don't want to. Was the last person you kissed physically attractive? Yes. Do you have any flowers in your room? No. Do you know anyone that owns horses? Yes. Well, I took pictures for her family, anyway. Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who? Jesus, yes. My little sister. Is your mom a big health freak or your dad? Or neither? Neither are "big" health freaks, especially not Dad when you consider he smokes and knows it'll be what kills him. My mom is diabetic though, so she's reasonably careful. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? No. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? We don't have any. Ma tries to keep snacks out of the house for both hers and my sake. If you were going out with your celebrity crush, what would you wear? OH BOY idk. I'd probably spend days planning the "perfect" thing. Do you have any friends who have naturally red hair? I do. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? Yep, my band teacher. He was incredibly loved by literally everyone. Do you have your mom’s or dad’s eyes? Neither's. They both have brown eyes. What’s the best date movie? We gonna have a problem if you don't watch The Notebook w/ me if I have it on lmao. How long has your current best friend been your best friend? Many years now. (: Do you swear and yell while playing video games? I might swear under my breath, but I don't yell. Would you rather name your daughter Andrea or Eva? Andrea. If you were adopted, would you want to know? Yes. Do you know anyone who has grossly skinny eyebrows? I couldn't care less about someone's eyebrows. Do your pets chase after bugs? Oh yes, Roman certainly does. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? Hmmm... this actually happened recently, but I don't remember why... What is your mom’s favorite movie? I don't know, actually. I think it's some romance one. What TV family reminds you of your own family? None, really. Do you know anyone who always looks perfect? Who? One of my best high school friends Alon was like... just always pristinely beautiful, it seemed like. I haven't seen many pictures of her lately, but I'm sure that hasn't changed. Has anyone you know ever pulled the fire alarm in school, joking around? I think so once, yes. Who was the main character in the last book you read? A dragon named Sunny. Who are the last people you saw kiss? On the lips, I'm sure it woulda been my sister and her husband. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Clouds, I think. Well, it would depend on their design, I guess, and time of day. When you get married, who will be the maid of honor/best man? Probably my mom. Does your best friend get along with their parents? She has a wonderful relationship with them. Have you ever been in a wedding? What were you? I was the fat, hideous, crying bridesmaid. ;x; Are you purposely hiding something from someone? No. What’s the most intimate thing you’ve discussed with a stranger? My suicide attempt with doctors. What, if anything, do you substitute for fries? I always get fries. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? No. Are you in an argument with anyone right now? No. Have you ever written a poem for someone? Yes. Who’s the last person who cussed you out in anger? My grandmother. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve meet online? Sara. Have you friended your parents on FB? Mom, yes. Dad doesn't have one. What’s the last tourist area you visited? Chicago. Mice or roaches? Mice are precious, meanwhile I hate roaches. Did you give or get any Valentines this year? No. Well, Mom bought me and my sisters each a delicious candy apple, if that counts? What’s your homepage? Google. Is there anyone whose grave you visit? No.

[fictionalbiographer]

Nobody Died at the End

It was a Sunday when my dear friends, Louis and Wyna chose that they did not want to put up with my guilt-partying anymore.

“Robin, we love you. You are not alone.” Wyna said.

“But, it’s been 2 months and you look like a raccoon. In the loveliest way possible.” Louis added. Wyna smacked Louis’s arm, giving him a dirty look.

“You’re going to be okay.” She said firmly.

He was not wrong. I’d been bursting into tears constantly whenever my mind replayed our last conversation, dizzying myself trying to figure out how I could’ve changed what happened.

How I could have somehow saved you.

Why did you drink so much that night? Were you speeding or was the road just slippery? Would you have stayed home if I didn’t confront you?

“Does Belgian chocolate waffle sound good right now?” Either of them asked me. NO, I wanted to scream, couldn’t anyone understand that all I wanted was my sister back. But I nodded because I didn’t have any more energy to care.

They brought me to Metropole, where we used to spend time just watching a movie or two on lazy weekends, you’d tell me what I missed because I always had to go to the toilet in the middle of the movie, or when we went out of the theater to drink tea and eat waffles rather than sit through crappy horror movies. But you were not here so I hugged myself.

We got to the second floor, our waffle place to the left. The staff greeted us, Louis talked to him, and he asked about you. I could feel the tears forming, eager to be spilled so I looked away, to the rest of the hallway.

Then I saw you, your back to me. Walking away from me.

And I ran.

You were just a few inches away from my touch when you took left to the restroom you preferred than the one in the restaurant, it’s just better, sometimes there’s no reason why you once told me. Though now I knew better. There was nobody when I entered but me on the reflection, I was alone and it became frighteningly real that I’ve truly lost you. It was unacceptable my heart cried out. I curled into myself and wept.

 

It took me years of therapy to process my grief, trust me, it was a journey. One thing that my therapist told me which pierced through my fog of self-blame and guilt was “What you are doing now was what she did then.” He didn’t mean that I bleed myself with razor or numb my emotions with drinking. What he meant was overwhelming guilt driving me insane with questions I had possibly no way of answering.

How I was playing God.

 

Dear Beloved, I love you.

I get the help you had needed when you were still alive and now I still live. I will not live in grief and destroy myself as I had thought I had to do to keep your memories with me. Most of the time it doesn’t matter why someone hurts, it just matters that they do. I still don’t know why you were hurting, but I’ve let go of the need to know. I will honor your legacy through doing what you love; story-telling, I wrote this book for you. Thank you for ever loving me.

[izz-the-book-geek]

Death’s Touch

I slammed my car door. I was going to hit the ground any minute now because of how shaky my legs were. Guess that’s what I get for driving for so long. I looked behind me, towards the direction I came from. Not there. I looked ahead. Nope.

I climbed my car, trying to see if I just couldn’t see far enough. Dammit. As far as I could see, there was nothing but trees, small animals, and the setting sun’s light. I couldn’t hear much of anything else either. To anyone else that would be comforting. That would mean that their reaper was far enough away that they couldn’t even see it. It was the least comforting thing to me.

This was a strange world, or maybe it wasn’t, hell if I know. All I know is that everyone has a reaper. The closer it is, the closer your death. My brother said that once he got drunk, and on the dirtbike, it was riding with him. Everyone’s looks different, and you can’t really tell the details until they’re almost there. They didn’t touch you until it was your time, and they didn’t speak. At least they weren’t supposed to.Then again, they weren’t supposed to disappear either, but mine broke that rule too.

My reaper disappeared three weeks ago.For most that would be comforting, but I was starting to miss it, him. Mine wasn’t the closest, but it, he, wasn’t the furthest either. I would always see it (him him him!) when walking to class if I glanced behind me. My dad thought I was insane when I said mine spoke, when I said mine had a name. He sent me to a therapist and she said the same thing too. They told me that until I stopped talking about it. Until I forgot.

At least, they thought I forgot. I had just pushed it to the back of my mind. I started tearing up and sat down on the hood of my car as I quietly said the single word that he had told me.

“Leon.” As I said that, it started raining and I looked up to scream at whatever gods were listening, but instead, I saw him. He was looking at me with a soft expression. It was unnatural for an actual omen of death. “Hey there.” The voice was exactly as I remember from when I was a kid. I let out a humorless laugh.

“You go missing, and you come back when I say your name? Thanks for that.” I was mad, I can admit that. I was also more than relieved.

“Well kid, what do I have to say. I had to make sure you at least remembered me.” He sat down next to me. He was almost touching me. I started to look around for what would be my demise. “Relax, you’re not gonna die. Not if I have anything to say about it.” I gave him a weird look. He just sighed. “Ok, look. You humans are almost entirely wrong about us.”

“Almost? What did we get right?”

“The fact that everyone has their own.”

I snorted. Leave it up to humans to completely mess the death omen up. I wasn’t even shocked that we did. We messed everything else up, so why not this. Leon stood up and stretched out his hand.

“So, even if we don’t know about you reapers, I’m not gonna take death’s hand.” I stared at his hand and gave him a rather stupid look. He responded with an eye roll and leaned down to pull me up off the hood of my car. The second he touched me, I felt something, but I didn’t know what.

“Wow, look at that you’re not dead. Who would have thought.” I was surprised he could sound that sarcastic. I gave him a look to match his tone.

“So, what’s happening. I feel like you aren’t talking to me now just out of the kindness of your heart.” I leaned back against the car right before I muttered to myself, “Does he even have a heart?” I shook my head, trying to get my thoughts together before they got weird.

“Well, first and foremost, I do have a heart. B, how do you know I’m not just lonely? And три, it actually is something else, but we’ll get to that later.” I tried to make sense of what that last thing meant, but my brain had other plans as half focused on his way of listing, and how he changed ways for each and every point, and the other half was focusing on what language that last one was. I knew it wasn’t Spanish, because I think he was trying to say three, or something like that, and out of my three years of Spanish at school, I knew for damn sure that three in Spanish was tres.

My brain started getting back on track, but right before I could ask him what the hell he meant, my phone rang. God damn phone. I looked down to see my friend calling. I immediately answered. Leon stared at me and I stuck my tongue out as she started to talk. He rolled his eyes.

“Adalynn, where are you? I just looked at your location and saw you were in the middle of the goddamn woods. Are you hiding a body or something? I thought we agreed that if you needed to hide a body you would call me!”

“Kasey, bro, chill out. I’m not hiding a body,” Leon gave me a weird look on that one, “I’m just going on a drive.”

“Bitch who the hell goes on a drive at like 9 at night and in the woods? And who the hell stops for as long as you have in the middle of the damn woods.” I don’t think she breathed during that speal, and I was slowly moving the phone away from my ear as she got louder and louder.

“I’m the bitch that goes on a drive at 9. Also, how the hell did you know I was in the woods, and how long I was stopped?” I was starting to wonder to myself if Kasey was psychic or stalking me. I wouldn’t put either past her.

“You know those apps? Like, uh, parents use them to make sure they’re kids aren’t dying or doing anything illegal.”

“Um, don’t both parties need to have the app though?”

“There’s one automatically on your phone.”

“Of course there is.”

I could tell she was doing that annoying smile she does when she’s being an idiot. She knew I hated it, and would probably weakly punch her next time I saw her. She’d just hug me and tell me what I already know. That I’m a weakling.

“Okay, Kase, you know I love you, but I’m gonna need to go right now, because I’ve got things to do.”

“Like driving around aimlessly?” She tried to sound serious, but she started laughing in the middle.

“I love you. Goodbye.” I hung up and heard her laugh cut off.

I sighed and looked back to Leon. He looked beyond board yet confused about the conversation that he just heard. I just shook my head, as he probably did not want to know. He put his hands up, probably to let me know that he didn’t want any details about my weird best friend. Which, it wasn’t like he didn’t know. Before he took a vacation from me, he had seen plenty of interesting interactions between us.

“So, you’re not going to ask about what I meant about it being something else?”

“Leon, after all the years we’ve been together, you should know that I would never pry into something that you said we’d get to later.” I tried to sound offended.I failed.

“I’ve seen you herass your brother for hours because he wouldn’t tell you what was in his snack drawer, so I think me assuming you’ll ask me is not that far out of the question.”

“Okay rude, but now that I’ve found you, it’s time we go home.” I started to open the car door, but he grabbed my arm before I could get in. It was my turn to give a confused look.

“We’re not going home, and you’re not driving.”

“Wait, the hell do you mean we’re not going home? Do you have a license? Can other people see you? Are people going to think there’s something wrong with them because my car is just driving itself?” I’m pretty sure he thought I was insane after that small questionnaire. He might have figured it out long before from watching me though.

He just sighed and didn’t answer a single damn question. I shrugged my shoulders and got in the passenger seat. The bastard was clearly not going to give me any answers. I thought he would go as soon as he started the car, but he just sat there. He gave me a look that meant, I have no clue what it meant, but it meant something. He sighed again, I guess he liked doing that.

“Put your seatbelt on.”

“Am I twelve? I don’t think so, so, screw the seatbelt.” He made some sort of weird sound.

“I said that you weren’t going to die if I could keep it from happening, so, put on your damn seatbelt. Besides, it’s illegal to not have one on here.” I was really tempted to throw a mini tantrum, but instead I just pouted a bunch while putting it on. I’m so mature.

After my fit of utmost maturity, I decided that I’d zone out. I didn’t really decide to zone out, it just kinda happened. Once I finally figured out that I wasn’t going to figure out the meaning of life by staring at the vent, I realized that we were out of the woods. I may or may not have forgotten what time meant. That being said I had no idea how long had passed since we had left the woods, and I couldn’t really tell because somewhere between then and now my phone died, and the clock in my car always said that it was 10:07, so it wasn’t that helpful.

“Welcome back to reality.” Leon said, not even looking at me.

I was about to say something, but then I actually looked out of the car, only to find that we were nowhere even remotely near home. I’m no genius, but I’m pretty sure that my town, or any towns near it, had a mall. Hell, I had to drive a few hours to get to one.

“Hey Leon.”

“What?”

“How long was I spacing? Also, where the hell are we?”

“You were dead staring that vent down for a few hours.”

I looked at him expectantly, thought after a minute of him not answering I groaned and leaned back into my seat as I wasn’t going to get answers out of him. Me shutting up about it did not last long.

“Can I at least get a hint?”

“We’re not anywhere near home.”

“No shit.” I was starting to contemplate if it was possible to murder the death omen. “Can you at least tell me how much longer we’re going to be in this damn car?” He gave me a look and I knew that I was in it for the long haul. I decided that I would go back to sleep, and hoped that wherever we were going had a comfortable bed.

[the-delta-42]

Rebuilding Bridges

Rebuilding Bridges

Follow up of Burnt Homes and Burnt Bridges

Marinette nervously scratched her leg as the Therapist looked at her.

“Marinette,” Sighed the Therapist, “I am grateful you’re understanding you need help; I’m just confused at the reason you gave.”

“W-well, my obsession with Adrien was causing problems.” Said Marinette, still looking at her lap.

“Marinette, what you just described was Hyper-fixation, an Autistic trait.” Said Simon, leaning forwards, “Are you sure you’re not here about anything else?”

“What else is there?” Asked Marinette, still not looking up.

“The loss of your home and parents, perhaps,” Theorised Simon, “the fact that you saw what remained of your parents-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Snapped Marinette, cutting Simon off.

“Ah,” Said Simon, leaning back in his chair, “we seem to have hit the root of the issue.”

“There is no issue.” Snapped Marinette, getting up out of her seat and pacing around the room, “Do you honestly think I haven’t seen dead bodies before? The number of times Akumas have killed people and I’ve had to undo it?”

“I don’t doubt you,” Said Simon, “but, Marinette, I’m here to help and I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

Marinette took a shuddery breath.

“T-they said they’d never go.” Said Marinette, her voice quiet.

“So, you’ve had family members die in front of you before?” Asked Simon, looking at her.

“My brother, he was crushed by a car when I was six.” Said Marinette, her voice still quiet.

Simon nodded, before his watch made a beeping sound.

“I suppose we’ll have to end today’s session here.” Said Simon, as he silenced the watch.

Marinette shakily nodded, as Simon stood up.

“I’ll see you next week.” Said Simon, as he guided Marinette out of the room.

Gina looked up from the book she was reading as Marinette came out. Tikki zipped out of the Gina’s bag and settled herself into Marinette’s pocket. The girl absently stroking the Kwami’s head. Gina placed an arm around Marinette, before leaving out of a side door, so Marinette didn’t have to deal with the paparazzi.

As far at Gina knew, things were still rocky between Marinette and Adrien, both to nervous and awkward to talk about the elephant in the room. Whenever Marinette saw Adrien, she’d do her best to distance herself away from him, mostly going to the other side of a room and hiding amongst the chairs.

So, Gina had taken the initiative and asked for Adrien, Nino and Alya to go to her flat and wait in Marinette’s room. Frankly, the tension between the two was driving everyone insane.

RB

Adrien’s leg bounced nervously as he sat on the wheelie chair in Marinette’s new room. Nino and Alya had taken residence on the bed. All of them had been asked by Gina to talk with Marinette, namely because she seemed to be isolating herself.

Adrien didn’t blame her, after everything he caused, he felt he didn’t deserve the ring. Every time he tried to return it to the box, Marinette would take it out and leave it on his desk at school. The last one contained a note that is he tried to return the ring again, she’d superglue it to his hand.

Adrien jerked suddenly, when Nino threw a pencil at him.

“Stop biting you nails.” Groused Nino, making Adrien withdraw his hand from his mouth.

“Sorry.” Said Adrien, spinning the ring around his finger.

The three heard the front door close and footsteps approach the door to Marinette’s room.

“Nonna told me you were here.” Said Marinette, as she opened the door, looking over the three.

“Marinette, this is an intervention.” Said Alya, sitting up and crossing her legs.

Marinette gave Alya a blank look.

“What for?” Came the intelligent response.

Alya sighed through her nose.

“Girl, you’ve been distancing yourself from us.” Said Alya, getting to her feet, “We’re worried.”

Marinette gave Alya a forced smile, “I’m fine, really.”

Alya gave Marinette and doubtful look, while Nino subtly moved himself closer to the door.

“I feared as much.” Bemoaned Alya, just as Nino reached the door, “Babe, now!”

Nino and Alya rushed out the door and held it shut when Marinette tried to pull it open.

“This. Isn’t. Funny.” Grunted Marinette as she tried to pull the door open.

The door opened a fraction and Tikki and Plagg zoomed out and the door slammed shut again. Marinette let out a scream, before punching the door, recoiling from the pain.

“Guy, let us out.” Called Adrien, before there was a locking sound from the door.

Marinette scowled, before marching over to her bed and reaching under it. Marinette felt around, before shoving her head under the frame and letting out another scream.

“Is everything alright?” Asked Adrien, nervously.

“No! They moved the Box!” Snapped Marinette, “So we’re stuck in here until they unlock the door.”

Marinette folded her arms and slumped against the bed frame. Adrien stood awkwardly by the door, as Marinette ran a hand over her face, rubbing against her eyes.

“So,” Said Adrien, awkwardly, “do you want to talk?”

“About what? My parent’s deaths? My fucked up mental state? The fact that everything I do is never going to be good enough?!”

“You couldn’t save everyone.” Said Adrien, quietly, “There wasn’t anything you could’ve done.”

Marinette glared up at him, tears in her eyes, “Really? Because they were already dead when I got there? That I couldn’t save dead bodies? Do you actually believe that?”

“Well, they were already dead when you got there.” Said Adrien, making Marinette jump to her feet.

“THEY WEREN’T!” Screamed Marinette, before she took a shuddery gasp, “They were still alive when I got there, and I froze. They were asking me to help them and I froze and did nothing.”

Adrien was quiet, “But they were found in different rooms.”

Marinette bit her lip and nodded, “T-they were across from each other.”

Adrien was quiet, as Marinette legs collapsed beneath her. Adrien lunged forwards and caught her before she finished falling.

“Why? Why wasn’t I good enough?” Whispered Marinette, brokenly.

“Were they asking you to help them?” Asked Adrien, successfully getting Marinette’s attention, “Or were they telling you to save yourself?”

Marinette stiffened, “I don’t know.” She whispered.

Marinette broke down again, Adrien embracing her, her face pressed against his chest as her shoulders shook. The two remained like that for little under half an hour, until Marinette lurched away from Adrien and stared at him.

“W-what?” Asked Adrien, just as Marinette picked up a pillow and started hitting him with it.

“You. Voice. Yourself. In. A. Movie.” Grunted Marinette, most of the pillow blows missing.

“T-that’s why you’re hitting me?” Exclaimed Adrien, before Marinette toppled over.

“Yes. Now. Hold. Still.” Grunted Marinette, as the pillow fell out of her grip, “How do you do it?”

“Do what?” Asked Adrien, looking down at the girl.

“Deal with the pain.” Said Marinette, “I mean, your mother’s dead and you’re perfectly happy.”

Adrien remained quiet, before sighing and sitting down next to Marinette.

“I’m not.” Said Adrien, leaning against the bed, “When my mother died, it was like my father died as well, Nathalie wasn’t the most caring and Gorilla doesn’t talk very much.”

“Is that why you…?” Marinette trailed off.

“No, the reason I reacted the way I did was because the last person who had my face covering their walls turned out to be a psychopathic child murderer.” Said Adrien, making Marinette stare at him, “Really.”

“And you thought I was planning the same thing?” Asked Marinette, looking him in the eye.

“Well, Nathalie did say that the appropriate reaction was the one I gave.” Admitted Adrien, “Although, I think they were just looking for a reason pull me out of school.”

Marinette continued to stare at him.

“Hyper-fixation.” Said Marinette, suddenly.

“What?”

“Hyper-fixation, that’s what the therapist said anyway,” Said Marinette, “apparently it’s something Autistic people have, they find something they really like and before a bit obsessed with it.”

“So, you’re saying…” Said Adrien.

“Yep, I’m what Chloe would call a spastic.” Said Marinette, making Adrien stiffen.

“S-she said that?” Asked Adrien, stiffening slightly.

“Yeah, why?” Said Marinette, before her eyes widened, “Wait, are you?”

Adrien nodded, “I developed slower than some others did.”

“Huh.” Said Marinette, before slumping against the bed, “Well now what?”

Adrien suddenly grinned.

RB

Adrien stood at the end of Marinette’s bed, while Marinette stood by the bedroom door. He drew his leg back and started kicking the bed, so that it slammed against the wall, as soon as he did that, Marinette started making moaning noises.

There was a thunder of footsteps and Adrien quickly ran to Marinette’s side, ready to run out the door as soon as it opened. The door flew open and both Marinette and Adrien shot out, as they passed Tikki and Plagg, they called out their transformations and ran across the roof tops. Eventually they got to the Eiffel Tower, where they rested for a bit.

“Do you think I should give the others their Miraculouses?” Asked Ladybug, making Chat look at her.

“Why?” Asked Chat, his head tilting to the side.

“Well,” Said Ladybug, “I know we discussed it before, but should I risk the rest of the team? You’re the only one who’s identity is safe, and Hawkmoth seems to be putting any confrontation with me off for some reason.”

Chat laughed, “My Lady, you were literally tearing his mind apart, maybe he’s decided to quit.”

Ladybug graced him with a small smile.

“I forgot to mention,” Said Ladybug, getting Chat’s attention, “it wasn’t just the peacock I got away with.”

“What do you mean?” Asked Chat, frowning slightly.

“I managed to get the translated book back.” Said Ladybug, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“Wait, really?” Gasped Chat, scrambling to his feet.

“Well, Fortune did, but I still have it!” Said Ladybug, her bouncing only increasing.

“T-th-that means…” Stammered Chat, as the puzzle pieces came together.

“We now have the advantage over Hawkmoth.” Gushed Ladybug, before a camera flash drew her attention, “Oh, great.”

“Alya?” Asked Chat, looking over the edge.

“No, Paparazzi.” Groused Ladybug, before she leapt off the tower.

Chat scrambled to his feet and took off after her, the two jumped across the rooftops, until they landed in Adrien’s back garden.

“I think we lost them.” Gasped Chat, transforming back to Adrien, as Ladybug transformed back to Marinette.

“I hope so,” heaved Marinette, “I can only take so much before I have to tear into them.”

“Well, you should be able to lie low here for a while.” Said Adrien, as he led Marinette inside.

“Yeah, maybe I can finally see that Shrine Nathaniel was talking about.” Snarked Marinette, making Adrien go red.

“It’s not a shrine.” Muttered Adrien, as Marinette followed him up to his room.

Marinette quickly made her way to Adrien’s wardrobe and looked inside.

“You’re right.” Said Marinette, after a moment, “It’s not a shrine, it’s a fire hazard.”

“No, it isn’t!” Protested Adrien, his face red.

“Yeah, it is,” Said Marinette, starting to laugh, “you have lit candles underneath your clothes.”

“They’re not real candles.” Whined Adrien, practically melting in embarrassment.

“Then why are there burn marks?” Asked Marinette, making Adrien go silent.

Marinette smiled smugly at the blond, before a rock came through Adrien’s window. Both teens froze, before Adrien approached the window, which then had a brick come through it. In a split second, Marinette had transformed, gotten between Adrien and the brick and threw the brick back the way it came.

Ladybug jumped out the window and landed opposite the thrower.

“You do know what you’re doing is vandalism, right?” Demanded Ladybug, pinning a glare on the boy.

The boy was the same age as her and Adrien, who was currently looking over her like a piece of meat. He didn’t respond to her, even when she snapped her fingers in his face and yelled “HEY!”

By that point, a small crowd was forming.

“You know, a response is kind of needed when someone is asking you why you were throwing rocks through someone’s window.” Said Ladybug, a couple people getting their phones out.

The boy suddenly responded, by placing his hand on Ladybug’s chest. Ladybug jerked back and slapped him. The boy didn’t even flinch, he only grinned wider.

A butterfly symbol appeared around his eyes.

“Ah, shit.” Swore Ladybug, just before the Akuma went to grab her again.

RB

Nino and Alya were wallowing in their misery.

“I can’t believe we fell for that.” Groaned Alya, while Nino had his head on the table.

Nino grunted, his hands still hurting from when he tried to open the Miracle Box. At some point, Marinette must have made a case that would snap down on people’s hands if they tried to open the box incorrectly.

Alya’s phone buzzed, making her look down at it, finding Ladybug and Chat Noir fighting an Akuma outside Adrien’s home.

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.” Groaned Alya, before she got to her feet and ran out the door, Nino following behind her.

Gina walked through the door carrying a tray with a teapot and some cups on it.

“Where’d they go?”

RB

“You know, I thought you were the only Akuma not to get a costume.” Remarked Chat, as the Akuma swung a lamp post around.

“That’s because Hawkmoth wasn’t in control,” Said Ladybug, “he made the mistake of trying to take advantage of my emotional state and found he bit off more than he could chew.”

“Still,” Said Chat, “I actually thought he’d give his Akuma’s an actual costume and not have them throw rocks through a window.”

Ladybug’s yoyo wrapped itself around the Akuma, pinning his arms and legs to his side. Chat stared at the Akuma, before turning to Ladybug.

“Why didn’t you do that sooner?” Asked Chat, as the Akuma struggled.

“Didn’t think of it.” Said Ladybug, as the two walked towards the Akuma.

“Why? Why?” Demanded the Akuma, “Why must everyone interfere with destiny?!”

“Trying to force yourself on someone isn’t destiny.” Said Chat, his arms folding.

“Her parents said the same thing.” Snarled the Akuma, making Ladybug freeze, “I should’ve hit them harder, then they wouldn’t have woken up in my fire!”

Ladybug stared down at the Akuma, as what the Akuma said sunk in.

“You.” Mumbled Ladybug, before her face morphed into an expression of rage, “You KILLED THEM!”

“They got between us, they had to be removed.” Said the Akuma, “Destiny decided we were meant to be together when it allowed me to see you detransform in that alley.”

Ladybug flicked her wrist, a dagger the length of her forearm appeared in her hand, before Ladybug could get any closer to the Akuma a green shield blocked her path.

Carapace held onto his shield; silently praying Ladybug’s ire wouldn’t be turned on him.

“Let me through.” Demanded Ladybug, her grip on the dagger tight enough to break a bone.

“I can’t do that.” Said Carapace, his arm shaking.

“He killed them.” Said Ladybug, her tone heavy with grief, “He killed them because they didn’t play to his sick delusions. Give me one good reason why he should live?”

“Your parents wouldn’t want it.” Said Carapace, making Ladybug’s arms fall limply at her side.

Ladybug quietly vanished the dagger, while Chat looked for the akumatized object. Eventually, he pried the Akuma’s mouth open and spotted a black tooth amongst a sea of white ones.

“I need to borrow this.” Said Chat, before yanking the tooth from the Akuma’s mouth. Chat crushed the tooth and an Akuma flew out, prompting Ladybug to grab it and purify it.

“Tikki, spots off.” Said Ladybug, turning back into Marinette.

Marinette slowly walked up to the former Akuma, they looked up at her and said, “My beloved! Destiny calls for us!”

Marinette was silent.

“Tell me,” Said Marinette, quietly, “when you killed them, were you Akumatized?”

“Of course not, my sweet!”

Marinette saw red and the next everyone knew, the former Akuma was lying on his back with a broken nose. There was a flash of light and Ladybug swung off, Chat Noir quickly following her.

Ladybug stumbled when she hit the roof of her destination. She quietly slipped through the skylight and landed on a burnt bed. A room that was once bright a colourful was not various shades of black and grey. She carefully made her way down the stairs into the main body of the apartment.

“Marinette, please!”

“Marinette, go!”

“Marinette, sav-”

Ladybug fell to her knees, as tears started to gather in her eyes. Her parents last words kept running through her head, their cries, their screams, how she froze unable to decide who to save first, how the fire hit her skin and started burning it away.

Ladybug suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder, black gloved hands gently pulling her close to them.

All Ladybug could think, or say was, “Why?”

RB

Marinette slowly made her way to class, doing her best to avoid everyone, and failing spectacularly, as all everyone wanted to do was see Ladybug in her day to day existence. Thankfully, or not depending on one’s opinion, Alya found her and brought her to the classroom.

There was an idle chatter in the class, as they were all watching a cat meme video featuring Chat Noir chasing a torch that was being shone on the ground by Ladybug. Marinette remembered that Akuma, Blackout, a six-year-old girl who was terrified of the dark.

Marinette noticed that Adrien was sunk low in his seat, with his face red with embarrassment. Marinette scratched his head as she passed him, before settling in her seat. Marinette started to wonder where Lila was, before remembering that she had been removed from the school for a multitude of offenses, one of which be truancy.

Adrien looked up at her and gave her a small smile, which was returned. Things were slowly going back to normal.

Until a arrow came through the classroom window and hit the wall, covering it in paint.

[blue-eyes-and-auburn-hairr]

Second Chances Chp. 3

Disclaimer: Okay, I got more notes than I thought I ever would, so while the world is quarantined...I wrote another part.

Warning: Mention of death, fluff, I don’t want to mislead anyone this will very much be a slowburn 

Summary: Can you imagine being widowed at such a young age to a man you thought you’d have forever with? On the anniversary of his death, on top of a mountain, you and Chris begin your new journey together.

Staring up at the sky, watching the lantern follow a path across the stars while taking a piece of me with it. People say it gets easier, but that really has not been the case. Each morning I wake up and my mind slowly drifts to memories that I try and keep locked away and each night the nightmares and terrors of the aftermath play like a reel. I don’t fight them though, I think when they finally stop, it will hurt more. My therapist obviously disagrees with me and we have been working on this but, I am just not ready. My ability to compartmentalize is scary and unhealthy but its been working for the last three years. It is harder to keep the emotions in check on days when you feel like you are being smothered. The phone calls, the text, the Facebook posts and tags from both our family and friends. All of that is sweet and supportive and great, but too much. Another reason I like coming out here and sitting on our mountain looking out at the world. 

I slowly turn around and watch as Chris is still watching the lantern on its journey, he makes eye contact and I force a half-smile. I see Dodger with his head down whimpering a bit, unaware of the circumstances but very much cued in to the emotions that surround him. 

He returns the smile but it does not reach his eyes.  

“Afghanistan, three years ago today,” I shrug not wanting to go any deeper, that’s enough of my past for one day. “That’s a story for another time preferable over some beers and a few shots,” another joke to cut the thick fog that surrounds us. Chris makes a move to reassure me, obviously feeling helpless at this moment. Dodger quickly gets up and sits down between Chris and I. He is facing Chris, watching his movements as though ready to defend me. I rub the top of his head letting him know that I am okay and so is the situation. “I’m okay boy, your pops was just trying to help,” I continue to stroke his head and then look up at Chris’ dumbstruck facial expression. “I...I have never seen him do something like that” he softly mumbled to himself and continues to look at me now with almost an expression of awestruck. 

“That was beautiful, genuinely beautiful, is there anything else you need to do?” I gently shake my head not making eye contact the mixture of gratitude and shame is swirling. I feel the tears and thickness in my throat return and shake that off as well.  

“We should start to head back then, it’s going to get dark and Dodger is such a baby in the dark,” He chuckles rolling his eyes. 

It was only about a fifteen-minute walk back to the car, but he was right, the twilight sky would only last for so long. Packing up my bag and making sure that I had everything, I met the boys at the start of the trail. 

“I am sorry if your hike took an unexpected turn,” I shyly shrug my shoulders “I feel like I owe you a beer or at least a meal to make up for that, I am usually not this grim of a person” I state trying to convince him and myself. 

“Not a chance,” he says while reaching down to pull the twig out of Dodger’s mouth. 

“I get it and I am sure you have to be up early tomorrow for your presentation and all,” I try not to sound as defeated as I feel. 

“I meant, no chance that you owe me anything. It’s absolutely my treat, do you know of any good places around here?” I tried to read his face, looking for pity, but all I could see was compassion. 

“There’s a nice pub a few miles away, small and simple,” trying to accommodate for him I also mention that there is patio seating that should fit Dodger’s fancy. 

We reach our cars at the same time that Chris announces that he is sold on the idea and says that he will follow me. The emotions of all of this finally set in when I sat in my car. I had not felt anxious or nervous throughout our entire time together until the moment I was away from him. I pushed all of that, for the most part, away and tried to drive perfectly towards the pub. Chris turned in the parking lot after me and got out and put the lease on Dodger again. I finally saw my reflection for the first time in hours and cleaned up the tears stains that still traced my skin. 

“I am not gonna lie, I honestly thought you were gonna keep driving when I pulled in here” I finally announce when I make my way over to his truck. 

“Well now I am wounded Thea, wounded,” he states while dramatically placing his hands over his chest. 

“It’ll buff out, I’m sure,” I say while bumping his shoulder and heading towards the door, I can hear him chuckling behind me. 

I head inside and ask the bartender if there was room on the patio for us to sit and order some food and drinks. She says, of course, hands me two menus and says someone would meet us outside shortly. 

I meet Chris back outside and he’s already made himself and Dodger comfy at a table. As I head over he gets up and pulls out the chair for me, which I know people roll their eyes at but I get a case of the butterflies every single time. 

After some time an older woman makes her way over to us to take our order, Chris takes my suggestion on the burger and laughs when I get carded for ordering a beer.  I roll my eyes and feel the blush creep across my cheeks. I dish it right back though and ask him when was the last time he even got carded, the squinting glare answered that question. The tension and awkwardness left and we slipped into casual conversation. 

I think we talked for 2 hours straight. 

We talked about everything and anything, it was so pure and real. My stomach started to hurt 45 minutes in from laughing so hard. “God, can you imagine growing up an only child or growing up differently than you did?” Chris asked me at one point, he was telling a story about his brother and neighbor daring him to jump from a roof onto a trampoline into a pool. He was proud to announce that he completely chicken out and thinks about how his life might be a little different if he followed through with it. 

“My brother and sisters probably used to pray to be only children growing up, but I honestly couldn’t imagine it any other way. I never take for granted how close-knit we are and I continue to be thankful.” He continued to smile at me and stare at my face, which was sweet but also a bit concerning. 

I whip at my face trying to see if I had something on it and ask him, “What? Do I have ketchup on my cheek or something?” He responds by rolling his eyes for the 39th time in the last few hours. 

“Roll your eyes at me again! I dare you!” He scuffs and goes to roll his eyes again but stops halfway and just starts laughing. 

“I just, I don’t want this to sound weird and freak you out.” He starts to rambles and it was cute but my god he was going to drive me crazy if he kept it up. I reach across the table and give his hand a squeeze in a comforting way. 

“I just, I feel like I’ve known you my whole life” he looks down at his phone “when in reality it’s only been four hours. I know that sounds crazy because I don’t even know what you do for a living, but I feel like I already know ‘who you are’ if that makes any bit of sense. I am just having a tough time believing you are real.”

It absolutely did. It made complete sense and it scared me, but it also gave me another case of butterflies.

“I’m a teacher.” I took the easy way out not toughing the other topic just yet. 

How does Chris respond? He rolled his god damn eyes again. With a retort of “Of course you are, why wouldn’t you be a teacher.” 

“That’s it, Dodger, come here and take your human away from me!” I shout at the sweet boy just trying to take a nap. “Dodger that is the 40th time he has rolled his eyes at me, you need to take him home and teach him some manners please!” I huff sitting back into my chair and watching Chris explode with laughter. 

“You are absolutely insane, I don’t think I have laughed this hard, for this long, in months. I am going to have a set of abs by the time this night is through.” Now it was my turn to roll my eyes at him. 

“So what do you teach?” He finally asked me after his waves of laughter have turned into small chuckles. 

“I am a middle school special education teacher” I state proudly. I truly love and respect what I do for a living and wouldn’t change it for the world. 

Chris is just defeated by this point and just places his head in his hands shaking it back and forth.  “You are really not helping prove that you are actually real” he mumbles into his hands. 

“Says the famous actor I met while hiking a mountain and inviting me to dinner, I left the realm of reality hours ago” I smirk back at him when he finally pulls his face out of his hands. 

The waitress walks over and asks if we need anything else. Chris holds up one finger to me seeing if I’m game for another round. “One more round please and two more glasses of water,” I ask while smirking at Chris. “Ohh also, can we get, I don’t know, maybe a to-go box of some sort that we can put some water in for the pup?” She nods and walks off while jotting it down in her little pad. She returns a few minutes later with all the check and drinks. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to twist your arm or anything,” he says while leaning over and scratching Dodger’s head. 

“Not at all, I just, unfortunately, have to drive home after this,” I say while shaking my head. “I normally cannot wait for this day to end, but today...meeting Dodger and I guess you..,” I smirk trying to make light of a tough sentence to put into words, “It really helped.”

“Well, I am just glad we found you.” 

“Me too,” I say giving his hand one more squeeze before we get up and make our way to the cars. 

Leaving the shot of Jameson sitting on the table, untouched, but always present, unquestioned but simply knowing.

I’ve never tagged anyone in a post before so let’s see if I get this right :)  @chi00072 @capstopavenger​