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hellodropbear · 4 months

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like she used to

alexia putellas x sister

i have been writing this for ages and it has just sat in my documents folder since january. i don't usually post stuff i write so this will probably get taken down at some point. i've written 13k words so far but this is just the first 4k.

~~~~~~

I hadn't expected to get the call up, not at all really. But Mapi tore her meniscus and apparently the first team found themselves in need of a backup centre back and I was the best option from the B team. It's a compliment, really. Mami is very proud of me and she is excited for me and my sister to play together in a few weeks, even though she is still recovering from her surgery and I will probably not make it off the bench. I am only 15 and 10 months, usually they wait until you are at least 16 and a bit before you can play.

But, I don't really know how to feel. Thankfully Alexia won't be in training with me for now and I try to avoid thinking about what will happen when she eventually gets better and I have to face her again.

Alexia is my older sister by a lot. There's a 14 year age gap between us and I used to completely and utterly idolise her. She and Alba were two superheroes, always by my side when I needed them. I put them on a pedestal like they were the greatest human beings to ever walk the planet. To me back then, they were.

I was only four when my father died. All I remember from that time was the big black invisible sheet that hung outside his study and the dark and scary emotions that swallowed our house whole. Alba and Alexia would argue about who got to cuddle me at night and I was so unaware what was happening that I would happily agree, wiping away their tears when it all got too much.

The death of our father made our family unit stronger. Mami, Ale, Alba and Elena - it was all any of us needed and we supported each other in whatever ways we could.

Mami had to pick up more shifts at her job, so she couldn't pick me up from school. Alexia had just got her license so she would come in a break during training and pick me up in her training gear.

Alexia didn't have time to drop me off at home so I would sit and watch the training with whoever wanted to give me company when they were injured.

Most days, Alba would come and pick me up and take me on the bus all the way home. She would play cartoons on the TV as she sat at the table and did school work. Some days, when she had the time she would sit with me and watch Alexia's training and we'd all go home together. Alba used to say she enjoyed the training. Looking back, I think she just wanted a free ride home and an excuse to not do her homework.

As I grew up, everything just worked. Alexia and Alba were still living at home as a support to Mami and everything was perfect. My sisters were my idols, my Mami was my shining star. She still is. She would do anything for her daughters, as long as it meant we were all happy.

That is why it has been so hard for her over the past two years.

I have not been happy, not really. My football has been thriving, I have represented my country in the under 17 age group and I am a consistent starter in the Barcelona B team. I spent two years in La Masia before they sent me to the B team last year and I have only been improving since. Everything is going well. Mami says I have had a better start to my career than Alexia did.

Maybe that is why Alexia hates me. Maybe Mami is just saying that to make me feel better about it.

Alexia and I, despite the 14 year age gap, were always inseparable - for the first 12 years of my life. She was at every single school event, football game, she picked me up from trainings when she could and would train me herself in the garden. We shared a common passion that Alba was not interested in at all - we both love football, we eat, sleep and breath it. Football is everything. She was the one who gave me that mentality.

"Football is life, Lena, you are lucky you are so good because now you also get to live football and hermanita, it is the most incredible thing."

She had whispered that to me when I was 11. We were sat on the beach, a place we visited frequently throughout my childhood, both of us staring out at the reflection of the moon on the sea. Alba was fast asleep, her head in Alexia's lap as she snored lightly, completely oblivious to our conversation.

It all fell apart over three years ago, although I don't have the first clue as to why.

It was not an explicit event that ruined everything, more my older sister growing up and flying the nest that was so secure and established over years and years of shared success, happiness, failure and grief. She moved out of home long before that, but her split with Jenni upset her, I think, a great deal. I wouldn't know because she didn't really tell me anything - that was strictly Alba's business.

I didn't even know they had broken up until 5 months after it actually happened.

"Mami, why does Jenni never come over any more?"

It was an innocent and normal question, but the look on my mother's face told me everything. Everything about Jenni and everything about my sister.

I think that was the first knock. She hadn't done anything wrong but I had loved Jenni and Jenni had loved me. I would have thought that she would have told me they broke up. Maybe she didn't want to, maybe she just forgot. She does a lot of that these days.

Before she and Jenni broke up, she still came to all of my games. She never missed one game before I transferred to La Masia and would insist on taking me out to ice cream after every one. She would tease me for not scoring like she does, even though I play as a centre back.

"You need some training from Mapi, she is a centre back and has the most lethal free kick, hermanita! She is the best defender I have played with, but don't tell her I said that. I think you will grow up to be better than her."

She was excited that day, I had made a few good saves and I think that was the first time she really saw that I had the potential to be great.

I remember the first game she was late to. I noticed immediately but we both pretended she was on time - she only made it to the last 10 minutes but I put it down as traffic or being caught up at training. She was busy, it takes a lot to be La Reina.

I remember the first game she missed entirely. She wasn't there at the beginning and she wasn't there at the end. I was 13 and I didn't have a phone yet so I couldn't call Mami and ask her to come pick me up because Alexia was too busy. I told myself it was because she was too busy. I didn't want to say she had forgotten because that was too hard for me to handle.

I remember vividly sitting outside the stadium as the sun set. My coach had asked where my sister was, I was a bit stuck with what to say but I managed to convince her I was fine and she could go home.

Alba came and picked me up after work that night. It was dark and she looked sad but when I asked if she was ok, she just shrugged her shoulders and said everything would be fine.

I found out from Mami a few weeks later that Alba was sad because I had never once been forgotten anywhere. Alba saw that as the destruction of our strong family. I suppose she was not wrong.

Alexia never said anything about that game but she was at the next. She didn't take me out for ice cream after, instead patting my head and telling me she would drop me off at Mami's work.

"I have things to do, Elena, I am very busy. Hopefully soon Mami will let you catch the bus on your own. Maybe Alba can take you soon so you know the correct routes."

Her words hurt more than I could admit to myself, I told myself to stop being pathetic. Mami asked why I was crying when I walked into her office. I told her I had played terribly and she comforted me. I think she knew I was lying. I think that is why she had tears in her eyes when she released me from her grip-like hold.

Since that day, Alexia has been to 3 of my games. She went to one more of my old club games but she was sat beside Alba, her eyes glued to her phone the entire match. I was so unfocused that the ball deflected off my face and we conceded. I was taken off with a bleeding nose but when I looked up in the stands, my sister was still staring at her phone. Alba had run down the stairs and was by my side when I entered the little sick bay.

I cried then too. Most people thought it was because of the bleeding nose or the conceded goal. Alba knew that wasn't the real reason.

The penultimate game she watched was the final of the under 15s Catalonia cup. I don't know what she did during the game because Mami told me not to look up. She said she didn't want me to get distracted but I think she meant to say she didn't want me to get hurt.

I think I still idolised Alexia at that point in time. She was still my older sister and she was still the best player in the world. She still had weekly dinners at home, although she wouldn't sit next to me and sneakily take all the food I didn't want off my plate anymore. She stopped staying to watch a movie after dinner even though my favourite part of the week was falling asleep in her lap as her hands combed softly through my hair.

I remember when I was accepted into La Masia, Mami held a nice big dinner. It was right in the middle of covid so it was technically illegal, but we had a lot of my family over. Mami invited a few of the Barcelona girls as well and Mapi and Leila reminded me of what it used to be like before Alexia stopped loving me.

The reminder of the before was more painful than I liked to admit, and the night ended when the tears that had been burning in the back of my eyes finally spilled out as I was talking to Mapi.

She immediately pulled me into her arms and asked what was wrong and I struggled to find a lie that would be believable.

I settled on saying I was upset about everything changing - which I suppose was true.

I remember Alexia looking mortified and breaking eye contact as soon as I looked at her. She told me off that evening when Mami was in the shower and Alba was talking to someone else. She told me I needed to be grateful for everything I have been given and that she paved the way for me.

It was even worse when she said I would never achieve the things she has. She said it was because I didn't have the mentality that she did, that I had it all so easy.

It hurt the most when she told me she was disappointed in the person I was.

"I hope we never share a shirt, Elena, because the day you play in the first Barcelona team is the day that we have run out of players. It will mean that football players are week and female footballers can not be weak. You do not have it in you to be like me, to do what I have done to get to where I am."

The venom in her voice sent a cold shiver down my spine and I felt like I had been stabbed. I didn't cry that time. I waited until I was in my bedroom to sob my heart out.

The last time she ever watched me play was the next day, but she didn't have an option not to. I played terribly, my first game as a La Masia student, my sisters words repeating over and over in my head.

That was really what tipped the relationship I once shared with Alexia on its head. The pedestal I had put her on was destroyed and suddenly she was just another player. I barely saw her as my sister any more. She couldn't love me, you wouldn't be able to hurt someone you love so much.

I have barely seen her since. She still comes to our family dinners on Thursday nights - she still very much loves Alba and our Mami. But I tell Mami that I have training with Barcelona B late on Thursdays. It finishes at 6 and dinner starts at 7, but I just organise to go to my friends' houses for dinner instead.

Sometimes we both have dinner together at home, but it is awkward and I hate it. I think she has probably forgotten about what she said to me in June of 2021, but I don't think I will ever be able to.

She doesn't like me, but it's ok because I have learnt to accept that. But I will never not love my sister because she was once everything to me.

~~~~~~

"Pequena Putellas!" Patri's excited shriek is what welcomes me into the dressing room on my first day. She tackles me into a hug and squeezes me tight. "It has been such a long time, mi favorita!"

The last time I saw Patri was only last year at the champions league final. I had sat with my whole family but I went to the bathroom when everyone else went and spoke to the players. I don't think Patri would have seen me.

I can only smile as she continues.

"I remember you as the little 8 year old who would sit and watch our training sessions after school! I was so confused by you when I first arrived here, you know. I remember the first time Ale let you play a game with us and you were so good!"

"Nobody doubted that you would be on this team one day!" A new voice entered the conversation.

"Marta!" I hugged the brunette closely. She was always one of my favourites.

"I am proud of you, pequena putellas."

Her words are familiar as I have heard them out of my mothers voice time and time again my whole life. But they seem foreign coming from Marta and it is an unwanted reminder of my sister. I don't know why - maybe it is because I have always associated this Barcelona team with her. I don't remember the last time she said she was proud of me.

I don't remember the last time she said anything to me, really.

"Gracias, Marta, I have missed you." I bury my head into her neck and she holds me closer.

"You have not been around as much since you transferred to La Masia. I wanted to come and watch but Ale never extended an invitation and I didn't want to overstep." I shake my heads at her words and she frowns.

"Alexia doesn't have time for my games, she hasn't for a while. It takes a lot to be La Reina."

Marta's frown deepens at my words and the attention of a few spanish players is captured. I should have spoken quieter, I forgot how many people in here speak catalan.

"It is ok, she is very supportive, but she just can't come to my games. She makes it up in other ways." I am lying through my teeth but Marta will never know.

"I am sure, she must be very proud of you, being selected in this team for the first time, it is a big deal, you are very young."

All I can do is nod, my energy is all being put into holding back my own tears. I don't know if Mami told her. I don't know if Alexia even knows that I was selected.

"Get changed now, I am sure Jona will want to talk to you before the session, especially with the game tomorrow."

I nod again as Marta pats me on the back and walk over to the cubby that says my name. It feels a bit surreal, really.

I never really thought I would see my name on a Barcelona cubby, accompanied by my new number that I chose in the meeting a few days ago. It was always a dream, but I never thought it was achievable. Alexia always seemed like a superstar, a superhuman of sorts and I would never reach that kind of level.

But here I am in the team that I always wanted to be in - in no way am I anywhere near my sisters level but I am on my way to being like her. I just wish she cared. I wish she was proud of me like Marta is.

Her cubby sits across from me and I try to tear my eyes from it but it sits and stares right back at me. I feel like an intruder in Alexia's space, this is not for me, she would not want me to be here.

I tie my laces quickly after that and head out onto the pitches to begin training.

I have trained with the first team twice before, but the Barcelona Bs were always slightly seperate and we could keep our distance from the first players. Jonatan is a familiar face and I feel comfortable as he smiles and me and motions for me to follow the others to the gym.

It is weird, being promoted within my own club. I am not so much a new signing, but a replacement - I am not good enough to be in the first team but they had no other options when Mapi injured herself.

I used to worry that people would say I only get opportunities because my last name is Putellas. When my sister told me I was weak all those years ago, that idea sort of cemented in my head, I suppose.

I never told my Mami what her daughter said to me because it would upset her. I told Alba half of it when she found me crying in my room a few days later but made her promise to not tell anyone. She couldn't say anything to Mami, Alexia, anyone at all because it would only make Alexia think I was weaker.

She was furious and tried to tell me it was untrue but it had already been said. I believed Alexia's word more than anyone else. To me, she was a superhuman.

But when I spoke to Jonatan a few days ago he made me feel like I was wanted within this squad. He made it clear that he wants me to integrate completely into the squad in the next few years and that he can see me playing soon even though I am only 15.

I told him I didn't want anything special because of my surname.

He told me that he chose me because of my first name.

"Elena Putellas," he said with a grin, "you may be as good as her, but you are not your sister. This is a professional environment. As long as you perform, which I know you will, nobody will care what your name is."

It was a big boost to my confidence.

Aitana Bonmati caught up to me quickly as I walked to the gym.

"You are big now." I chuckled but did not look over, I didn't need to really. "But not that big. You are only 15, si?"

"Yes, I am 15."

I met Aitana when she first joined the club. She always used to say that she would steal me and take me home with her because she thought I was adorable. It is strange that I am now sort of in the same team as her.

She started playing for the first team when I was 8. I was older then, I played my own football and liked staying with Alexia so I could kick a ball around with her teammates when they were done.

Aitana was one of the few who would stay every time I was there. When Alexia didn't want to wait she would drive me home herself, all the way to the other side of Barcelona. We would always stop for ice cream on the way home.

"I have not seen you in too long, Lena. I have missed you a lot but you have been doing very well in the B team. I am very proud and I take credit for your abilities." She spoke in such a dead pan voice but it was somehow still filled with emotion.

"I have missed you too, ABC." It was a nickname I gave her the first time she drove me home. I had been learning about the alphabet in English class and had the little song stuck in my head when she told me her full name. I used to sing her initials in the tune of the song but it quickly merged to me just saying the three letters.

"I have been to a few of your games, you know?"

I look at her in confusion, I have never seen her there. She just nods.

"Alexia never invited any of us but she was never at the ones I went to so I would sit in the stands with a hat and glasses so people wouldn't recognise me, but I was there. I went to your La Masia games as well. You have become a phenomenal player, Lena."

She has always spoken with such sincerity. I have missed her a lot.

"Maybe you can drop me off at home again tonight? I have missed you."

She chuckles and pulls me into a side hug.

"I was waiting for you to ask, little Lena. Oh you are not so little any more!"

I chuckle as well and let my head fall onto her shoulder as we enter the gym. My eyes scan the room, looking at all of the players on their equipment, nerves quickly settling inside me.

"Don't worry, it's all easy." Aitana seems to read my mind. "Just come with me and I will show you how to do everything. It will become second nature in the next few days."

The gym session went quickly as I was taught all the different exercises. I was familiar with most of them, having done a very similar program in the past with the B team.

We went out onto the field to do some drills and I played well. Jonatan was impressed and so were the first players. My teammates? Maybe, not quite, I don't think. I still haven't been in a team list, so I suppose I'll be their teammate when that eventually happens.

It wasn't until we reached the ice cream shop that Aitana started asking me all the awkward questions. I should have seen it coming.

"Why do you never come to our games anymore, Lena?" I was very grateful for the scoops of gelato in my hands. Eating it delayed my response as I tried to come up with something to say. I shrug as I eat.

I can not say it is because I do not get along with Alexia. It is too hard for me to say now, even after all these years.

"I'm not sure. I suppose I got busy with my own training and school. I have been to a few but I usually go home with Alba pretty quickly after they finish." It is only half a lie but she just shrugs, apparently not believing my words.

"And why is it that I am driving you home from your first ever first team training? I thought Alexia would have wanted to." I anticipated a question like this but that does not mean I wanted her to actually ask it.

"Alexia is busy." I hope that Aitana understands I don't want to talk about it. I haven't spoken about my broken relationship with my sister to anyone. I think she can sense something is wrong though, because she puts her spoon back into her ice cream and grabs my arm so I am staring right at her.

"If you ever want to talk, I am right here, Lena. I know you don't like people knowing what is going on inside that crazy head of yours but it is good to release your feelings."

She definitely knows something is wrong so I appreciate her not pushing.

"I have outlets, I play football, I play the piano, I am ok, aitana, I really am."

She eyed me as if to say she didn't believe me but dropped the topic anyway.

"When did you get so good?"

chapter II

#woso fanfics #woso #woso imagine #alexia putellas #putellas!reader #alexia putellas x reader #barca femeni #fcb femeni #alexia putellas imagine

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cutielando · 4 months

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Hey I absolutely love your writing it’s amazing!!!!!

I really loved your lando fix where he loved to see you train and workout in the gym I was wondering if you would do it for Charles leclerc pleaseee if not that’s totally fine ily and your fics

gym rats | c.l.

warnings!!: implied active and gym rat reader, a lot of working out in a way

my masterlist

Charles had always been athletic, ever since he could remember. He had to, building up the neck muscle and tolerance needed to be able to sustain the force he felt every time he would get into the car, and over the years he had come to love working out.

Even though his day-to-day routine consisted of working out constantly, he would never ask his partner to exercise as actively or hardcore as he did.

He didn’t believe he should have a say in how someone else lived their life.

But ever since he met you and discovered your love for a healthy lifestyle and the passion that you held for exercising, he honestly felt like he had hit the jackpot.

He loved sharing his love and passion for working out with you, aligning his workout times with yours just so you could be with him during every single one. It had become a habit of yours, your own little ritual giving you even more time to bond.

However, running with you was, by far, his favorite way to exercise. Getting to see so many beautiful views all around Monaco or Italy, depending where you were at the moment, being able to bask in the serenity of getting to share those beautiful moments with you.

Such an example was your current outing in the beautiful Monte Carlo, hiking through the mountains with Charles and Andrea.

However, Charles had been slacking more than usual, always being steps behind you and in no hurry whatsoever.

“Charles, please stop staring at Y/N’s ass, we’re never going to make it back home in time if you keep this up” Andrea said once he had caught the driver falling behind you just to stare up at your behind.

You turned around and caught your boyfriend ogling your behind with no shame, staring up at you with wide eyes, like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Charles! We talked about this” you said in a hushed tone, swatting him on the arm.

“I don’t know what you guys are talking about” he shrugged his shoulders and suddenly picked up the pace, walking in front of both you and Andrea all of a sudden.

You and his trainer shared a look, laughing before you followed him up the trail.

It took you a while to reach the intended target of the day, having to make multiple stops because Charles just couldn’t help staring at you, but you had made it in the end.

When you guys returned home and parted ways with Andrea, Charles was ready to take a shower and get into bed to cuddle you, but he wasn’t expecting you to have totally different plans.

“What do you mean by working out? Mon coeur, we just hiked the entire day, all we need to do right now is shower and cuddle” he argued, following you around as you prepared your bag to go downstairs in the gym for a quick session.

Working out in the evenings always helped you unload from the day, get in touch with yourself after a long day and just relax altogether. And even though Charles was right, you couldn’t ignore the feeling of longing when you thought about skipping a workout session.

“Baby, you know how important evening workouts are for me. I can’t sleep if I don’t work out at least a little bit” you argued back, chuckling at the sound of his stomps and huffs as he followed you to the front door.

“Aren’t you tired, though? We’ve been outside all day, it hasn’t exactly been a chill activity” he said, still hoping to convince you to just get in the shower with him.

“Not really, no. If anything, I have way more energy and adrenaline to burn off right now” you said, putting on your shoes.

Charles sighed, realizing he didn’t stand a chance in convincing you to stay home. Instead of going about his business by himself, he picked up his shoes and put them on, making you furrow your eyebrows in confusion.

“What are you doing?” you asked, slinging your bag over your shoulder.

“I’m joining you. I don’t want to shower without you, so I’m going to come and watch you do your thing because I’m way too tired to do anything” he explained, opening the door for you and locking it on your way out.

You didn’t want to admit it, but you secretly loved it whenever he came with you to the gym. Even if he didn’t do anything, you liked just having him there with you, cheering you on so to speak.

When you got to the gym, you were feeling a little relieved that there was nobody left at that hour. You preferred when it was just the two of you, finally being able to take a break from your busy life and just bask in the feeling of sharing the same love for something.

“I’m just gonna run on the treadmill a little so I can burn some energy and then we can go” you said, pressing a kiss to his cheek as he took your bag from you and sat down on a bench nearest to you.

He settled for playing around on his phone for a while, sneaking glances at you every now and then. He even snapped a picture of you which he proceeded to post on his story, boasting about how hot his girlfriend was.

And as he sat there, your eyes finding his every now and then, he realized just how lucky he was to have you by his side.

He won in life.

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heartpascal · 7 months

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i was born waiting

▹— joel miller x daughter!reader

▹— summary: you’ve been looking for your dad for as long as you can remember, is this really him?

▹— a/n: hi! i started writing this september ‘23, so it has. it’s been a WHILE. so if this seems jumpy / not consistent then that is why! sorry!!! i have done my best!!!

▹— warnings: canon-typical violence and themes, weapons, parental death, witnessing parental death, aka insane amounts of trauma, death in general, she/her pronouns, reader is biologically related to joel but no mentions of appearance, no mention of her bio mother’s appearance either, fantasising about being dead (sorry), all hurt zero comfort, attempted murder, unrealistic expectations of someone you never met — please let me know if ive missed anything!

▹— taglist: @rhymingtree @sleepygraves @wnstice (everything), @auggiesolovey @just-kaylaa @evyiione @lemonlaides @fariylixie0915 @faceache111 @randomhoex @canpillowscry @pedropascalsrealgf @star-wars-lover @coolchick333 @soobsdior @rvjaa @sunflowersdrop @definitely-not-a-seagull-i-swear @miss-celestial-being @hqkon

MASTERLIST

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

There are certain things from your childhood that you can remember vividly. Though, really, childhood is a bit of a stretch, isn’t it? It’s hard to find the right word to encompass the way you had grown up, because you didn’t have much of a chance to actually grow.

From the moment you had been born, your life was a battle of staying alive to see another day.

That’s not to say that your mother didn’t do her best for you, obviously. But it was hard to raise a child as a child in the midst of a global apocalypse. You were bound to end up the way you did — moulded and hardened by the world around you, by having to pick up a gun at seven years old and use it to protect your mother. By never putting that gun back down.

For the past few years, you had known your mother was suffering. The world had been anything but kind to her, and age was hitting her harder than she had expected. More than the physical aspect, you knew it had been destroying her, the fact that you were now the one protecting her and not the other way around.

But what choice did you have? Her aging body had left her fragile, prone to falling and breaking even more frail bones. You could see the strain on her muscles, as they slowly decayed and shrunk, until they were barely there at all. You couldn’t let her carry the burden for you anymore, because you knew her body couldn’t handle it.

You had been preparing yourself for that moment, though. Making sure that you were ready, that you were strong enough for the both of you, strong enough to shoulder the burden she had been carrying for years.

When you were growing up, your mother had told you tales of your father.

She had told you all about how strong he had been, how he had been the best man she had ever known. She told you how he had cared for his daughter before you, how he had been the best father to that girl. When you were old enough to comprehend these things, you’d asked what had happened to him. “Is dad dead?” You had asked her, watching the way her face fell.

“I don’t know, honey. I hope not.” She had responded, smiling sadly at you, and patting her hand against your cheek.

It was hard for you to let go of that.

The uncertainty had haunted you for the rest of your life since that very moment, leaving you wondering for hours at a time where he could possibly be, why he would ever leave your mother to carry this responsibility alone. And in your more selfish moments, you couldn’t help but wonder why he wasn’t here to care for you as he had his daughter before you.

For a long time, you had convinced yourself that he was dead, despite what your mother hoped. And sure, you felt that loss, something like mourning weighing you down, but it was the only way you felt you could accept his absence. He had to be dead, because otherwise, why wasn’t he here?

But as you grew up, getting taller, stronger, you felt like you could rationalise his absence even if he wasn’t dead. After all, the apocalypse wasn’t exactly family friendly. You figured that if your mother didn’t know whether or not your dad was alive, that the same could go for him. He might just think that you and your mom died, years ago. After all, how many pregnant women survived the end of the world?

You have a feeling that the answer would have to be not many.

So, really, you and your mother being alive by now was nothing short of a miracle. It was a testament to your mother’s strength, her ability. She had succeeded where so many others had failed, and she had managed to keep both herself and you alive.

It’s a bitter kind of irony that you can’t do the same.

The last dredges of autumn fall away, leading into the coldest and harshest part of the year. Winter is hard — it’s full to the brim with fresh Infected, the ones not yet frozen solid, and resources are more scarce than ever. And this winter feels like something tangible, something which sends unending waves of dread through you.

Your mother gets weaker by the day, spending more time resting than moving, and you spend as much time as you can keeping her warm, finding food and water and pain relief for her broken arm that didn’t heal right. She’s exhausted, you can see it in her face, in her every movement. And you’re pretty sure it’s not just from the lack of rest. She watches you with dulled eyes, something like heartbreak reflecting in them.

For a long time, you pretend not to notice.

You pretend that you don’t see the way she lags behind, just watching you move away from her with speed she can’t quite manage any longer. You pretend that you don’t see the way she hesitates before taking her painkillers, or her food, or the last sip of water.

This year, the winter brings something worse than the cold. A bug, spreading across the state in a way that was familiar to so many. Not quite the Infection, but still able to take out people with ease.

When your mother catches it, you physically felt your heart clench in your chest. You felt it squeezing all of the blood around your body so quickly that you became dizzy with it. There’s a panic so deep that you can’t climb your way out of it. For days, weeks, you’re certain that you’ve lost her. That after everything, everything you’ve done, everything the two of you have been through, a cold would be the end of it all.

But then, she gets better.

The little strength she had before the sickness returns to her, bringing some colour back to her skin, some ease back to her breathing.

Religion wasn’t a thing in the apocalypse. Not really. But if you had believed in God, you would’ve thanked every one that might’ve existed for giving you this. This miracle. This small mercy.

The two of you are in an abandoned barn when it happens.

You’re dozing away, not quite asleep, but not awake either, when you hear the sound of old hay crunching underneath boots. If you weren’t so familiar with the lightness of your mother’s footsteps, you might’ve passed it off as her wandering. But these boots are heavy. They’re purposeful.

The gun in your hand means nothing when you jerk upwards, eyes snapping open and squinting through the light let into the barn by the rising winter sun. It’s an image that has since been ingrained into the back of your skull, replaying each time you close your eyes.

There, right in front of you, is your mother.

Behind her, a man, a gun pressed to the back of her skull.

Your stomach lurched suddenly in that moment, the small rationed dinner you had before dozing off trying to rise to the back of your throat, trying to race the rapid beating of your heart to see which would kill you first.

“Put down the gun.” He said, voice cold, throat dry from the winter air. The sound of his voice is printed in the base of your brain, echoing every time things around you still, go quiet.

He could be bluffing, you thought in the moment. His gun could be unloaded. It didn’t take you long to notice that the safety was off, but in those few moments, he had pressed the end of it harder into your mother’s head. You dropped the gun to the floor without another moment of thought.

You were nauseous, waiting to wake up, to realise this was all some twisted nightmare.

But you could see a look in your mother’s eyes. Acceptance. Defeat. It was almost familiar to you, so closely related to the look she had been giving you for months.

All this time, she had just been waiting to die. Waiting for something to come along and kill her off, to free you from having to take care of her. She knew that if it was up to you, that you would look after her for the rest of your goddamn life. If she lived any longer, she might just live long enough to see you die.

“Slide it over.”

You barely registered the cold pinch of metal against your palm as you pushed the gun away from you, sending it skittering over the rough ground and into the side of an old hay bale.

“Now your pack.”

There was a numbness to you as you gripped the backpack you had been leaning against, and chucked it towards where he stood behind your mother. It hit the front of his boot, but his eyes didn’t stray from where he stared at you.

“Turn around.”

You stared at him, teeth gritted together.

“No.”

There was a beat where both him and your mother just watched you. And then the surprise flickered across his face, apparently not expecting any resistance from you.

“Turn. Around.” He told you, firmer this time.

“No.”

“Okay then,” He relented, after a moment of consideration. His eyes drifted down towards your mother, who stared forwards at you. “This your daughter?” He asked, jerking his head towards you despite knowing your mother couldn’t see the movement.

“Yes, she is,” Your mother said, voice shaking, her breath clouding in front of her face as it reached the cold air. “Please, just let her be.”

He hummed, dropping his free hand down to rest heavily on your mother’s shoulder, his fingers clamping around it and not helping the way she trembled.

“So, your momma, huh?” He asked you, a smirk drawing up his face, showing smile lines around his murky blue eyes. His hair rustled in the wind, a piece falling down across his forehead. He stared at you, and you stared at him, not daring to say a word, still hoping that this whole thing was a dream. Muscles in his cheek twitched, pulling his skin taut and showing a scar across his left cheekbone. “Good.”

There was a moment where the sound didn’t register. A moment where you didn’t even realise it was your mother when the body slumped forwards. A mere moment where you didn’t think about it being her blood that splattered across your face.

The moments after that though, become blurry, hazed over, and you’re not sure it actually ever hit you that the body before you was your mother.

You’ve always had a hard time remembering that bodies were once people, that they once had lives and loved ones and thoughts and feelings. That they weren’t just bodies. So seeing her like that, as a body, not her, was wrong on so many levels. It didn’t feel real. Nothing did.

You heard the second gunshot, just a moment later, followed by a snickering laugh that you would never forget, before the pain bloomed in you.

It was buried by the shock, the complete disbelief, and you only felt the pain for mere seconds.

His gun — the one that killed your mother — was whacked across the side of your head a moment after, and that was the end of that.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

Three months passed by, judging by the way the seasons turned, and you were on your own.

It was a strange feeling, really. Throughout the entirety of your life, you had never actually been alone. At least, not really. Your mother was always a small ways away, a mere shout from running to you. There had never been any true distance between the two of you until that day.

A sort of ache claws your throat each day, when you realise that it’s easier like this.

The only back you have to watch is your own, the only life you have to worry about belongs to you, and you have nothing to lose in this world. There was no terrible outcome if you were caught. Nobody else would be hurt, or suffer because of it. And you’re less likely to be caught now, when you don’t have your mother slowing you down. You don’t have to stop for the frequent rest breaks she needed, you can try to outrun Infected without worrying about someone lagging behind, and you only have yourself to feed.

If your mother had known how much easier survival was when alone, you hope that she would’ve abandoned you at birth. Because perhaps, without the burden of you upon her shoulders, she wouldn’t have fallen apart so quickly.

Sometimes, you like to think of a world where she was spared all of this. Never pregnant with you, for a start. So when the infection broke out, she would’ve only had herself to worry about. You think that maybe, one day, she would’ve been able to reunite with your father. If she hadn’t been carrying a child, she would’ve been able to manage the journey to where she believed him to be. You look at the picture that had been in the pocket of her coat for your whole life, the papers folded and clipped to the back of it, one word underlined: Boston.

You had reached a store in the weeks after that day, and when you found a map, it wasn’t difficult to notice that the direction the two of you had been heading in was to that very city.

It’s a long shot. More than a long shot, really, but you find yourself continuing in that direction regardless. You don’t know what you hope to find in Boston, whether it was your dad, or the man who had killed your mother, or perhaps just somewhere to take shelter for a while. You try not to hope for anything. You try not to focus on the fact that you might not even make it that far.

It keeps you up for days.

The uncertainty of it. The unknown. The fact that you’re walking your way to a city you know nothing about, almost certain that your mother’s killer was already there, and more than that, consumed by a fever that might kill you regardless of the where the journey took you.

The only sleep you get results in fever dreams, rippling, warping images that make your perception falter, feeling all too real until you notice that it’s not. And when you do wake up from them, it’s as if you haven’t slept at all. An exhaustion weighs heavily upon you, and your shoulders hunch over with it. There’s almost nothing you wouldn’t do to get rid of that endless feeling.

You hope—or wish, maybe— that if you reach Boston, the journey there will have tired you out so much that your body will have no choice but to rest. It’s a distant thought in your mind, though. You’re almost certain you won’t make it that far, because if the fever doesn’t get you, surely the Infected will.

It’s not as though you’re trying to get killed. But there is a kind of peace that comes with the thought. There’s an idea of rest behind it, hiding within the shadowy depths that make you scared. Would not having to fight in order to survive really be so terrible? You have this image in mind, of a never ending blackness, a void, somewhere that your thoughts and worries can just fizzle away. The small part of your fever-fried brain that has retained its rationality reminds you of the unknown. It reminds you that death could be worse than this.

You don’t like the thought. Not after that day. It’s a shuddering feeling, wondering if your mother is in some kind of unreachable hell.

By the time you’re even close to Boston, a few hours out at most, you’re out of ammo in the gun you’d found along the way. Out of food rations. No knife, no resources. You’re barely standing on two legs, kept up by the adrenaline, the knowledge alone that you’re this close.

When the tall walls of the QZ finally come into view, you start to feel some amount of hope. Which is a dangerous thing, but especially in a situation as dire as your own. You couldn’t afford any adrenaline fading, couldn’t afford to lose your cautious nature. You couldn’t make a mistake. One wrong move, one slight misstep, and you’d be as dead as your mother. Or worse, infected. Though this close to a QZ, you had some amount of relief at the knowledge that they should’ve cleared out any nearby infected. Runners, and clickers alike.

Your steps don’t falter for a moment. Partly because of your worry about the fever taking you out, but mostly because you’re certain that the FEDRA guards on watch on top of the wall will have spotted you, and you don’t want them to think you’re Infected, just because of your sickly appearance, and shoot on sight. Though, with FEDRA’s track record, it wouldn’t surprise you if they just shot you down regardless.

For a while, you’re not sure if you’re even awake, or if perhaps you were stuck in yet another fever dream. Everything felt so real and so not real simultaneously, it felt impossible to believe that you had actually made it.

Soldiers met you on your approach, calling out for you to get on the ground with your hands up. You called back some sort of response as you did so, practically collapsing to your knees and squeezing your eyes shut at the pain that followed. But despite all of it, despite the pain and the rough hands that grabbed you and pulled you forwards, through the gates and straight into a building, you had made it to Boston.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

It was maybe three weeks into being a resident of the Boston QZ that you caught wind of him for the first time. Or, at the very least, somebody who might be him. You didn’t know how common the surname Miller was, being a child of the apocalypse, but you kind of hoped the answer was uncommon.

“Goddamn Miller, again.” A man had muttered as you walked through the trading market. You paused almost instantly, pretending to peruse the feeble amount of clothes a woman had to trade. “Said we gotta go through him and Tess if we want anything, as if we gotta listen to them.” He practically spat out, glaring around as he spoke to the woman beside him.

“They’re the most well established smugglers in the whole goddamn QZ. Don’t have to tell you how, do I?” She asked, sounding more annoyed with her companion than she was with whoever Miller and Tess were. “Joel is as nasty as they come, Darren. Don’t get on the wrong side of him.”

Your heart practically stuttered to a stop in your chest, and you had to remind yourself to keep breathing. Could it possibly be a coincidence? Could there be another Joel Miller? One who wasn’t your father? Sure, it was possible. Plausible, even, considering the fact that you had absolutely no idea if he was here. Not any concrete idea, anyway. Your mother had believed as much, but who was to say she was right?

Besides, whoever this Joel Miller was didn’t sound like the man your mother had told you about. As nasty as they come didn’t have any relation to the heroic and kind and amazing father and man your mother always spoke about. Though, you knew as well as anyone what the apocalypse could do to people.

Darren didn’t say anything else to his companion. So, after a few more moments, you continued on your way, making the journey to the tiny box apartment that FEDRA had elected to you.

But even as you got there, sitting down on the poor excuse of a mattress, you couldn’t shake the conversation out of your mind. After everything you had been through to get here, what was it all for? Could you really make this journey and just never try to find Joel Miller? Your father? You could still remember the anxiety that had come when you first arrived, when you were strapped into a chair and scanned for the fungus that had taken over so many. You didn’t know what you were more scared of: the idea that it would flash red, and you’d be killed, or the idea that it would be clear, and you’d be sent out into the QZ, where you may just find the other half of your DNA.

You don’t even know if you want to find out anything about him. Don’t know if you could face that, especially after losing your mother. That’s been the hardest thing since being here, since having your own place, the fact that you’ve gotten it all without her. It feels… empty. For your whole life, she had been there at your side, making every short stay at whatever accommodation you could find feel like home.

Plus, even if you did consider trying to find him, and if it was him those people were talking about, then who the hell was Tess? What if she got upset at your appearance, your claim as Joel Miller’s surviving child? You’re not sure you can lose another parent.

Sure — Joel Miller wasn’t exactly your dad, he couldn’t be classed as a parent in the way that your mother was, but if you never met him, that could’ve been for any number of reasons. He could be dead. He could’ve thought you and your mother were dead, all these years. You didn’t want to face a reality where you met him, and he wasn’t present for you and your mother because he didn’t want to be. You’d rather live your whole life thinking him six feet under, than know he was out there, and just didn’t care about you.

The more you think about it, the more certain you are that Boston was a mistake.

It would all be different if your mother was alive. If she had brought you here, if she had been the one to hear the chatter about Joel Miller, if she had been the one to seek him out. But she was dead, and the only living connection you had to Joel was, too. Hypothetically, if you did seek him out, you didn’t know enough about him to prove your claim as his child, and without your mother, how could you make him believe you?

They had been a family, once. They being Joel, your mother, and your deceased half sister. You’d heard the tale of how Joel and your mother had met, of how it took months for him to finally feel comfortable introducing her to his little girl. Hell, you had heard almost as much about Sarah as you had about Joel. Your mother had certainly adored his daughter, and you’re somewhat sure that they had planned to have you, despite Sarah already being a teenager.

You don’t want to have to mourn a family you had never actually had. Perhaps, Joel and Sarah were out there, living their lives certain that you and your mother were dead, just as you and your mother had done.

Not that any of this even mattered — you didn’t even know for sure if it was the same Joel Miller! And even if it was, it’s not like Boston QZ was small. There’s absolutely no chance you run into the man who might just be your dad. No way.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

You find someone else, before you hear anything more about Joel Miller, and it immediately sends the thought of your biological dad to the very back of your mind.

After all, it’s not every day you see the man who murdered your mother.

It wasn’t exactly a surprise. You had guessed that this was the place he was heading, all those moons ago. But to actually see him, here, in the flesh, alive and well despite all of the pain and heartache and devastation he had caused you? It was surreal. You had to practically pinch your skin from your body to make yourself believe he was real.

And it only really hits you now, that this man killed your mother. You had been so focused on surviving, on living to see another day, on healing and moving and getting away from her body, buried in shallow dirt outside of some abandoned barn. You can vividly remember the strength it had taken to pry the frozen dirt from the ground.

Sure, you had felt the guilt over it, the guilt over the ease that came with surviving without her, guilt over your very existence, but you’re not sure you had ever actually grieved over her. Not sure if you had ever let yourself be sad, be angry, be anything about what had happened.

But now, seeing him, you feel… almost too much.

All of the rage and grief you had squashed in favour of surviving another day, all of the sadness and fear, all of it. It all comes rushing towards you at once, hitting you in the chest, winding you. You gasp for breath on the street, ducking away for a moment, gripping your chest like you could physically hold your heart steady.

When you look back out at the street, you see him as he nears the corner. Panic grips you at the thought of losing him, of never seeing him again, of failing to avenge your mother. You follow after him before you can think better of it.

It’s strangely easy. You fall back into the life of a hunter like it’s the most natural thing you’ve ever known — and maybe it is. You’re healed up, by now, or about as healed as anybody gets in this world, and your shoulder only bothers you when you move it too much. Even with that, you’re pretty sure that you could take the man on. Now that you’re not hazy with sleep, caught off guard, held back by any sort of earthly tether.

You’re strong. And despite FEDRA’s harsh reign, their dire consequences for rule-breaking, you have a switchblade stuffed into your shoe. You could do it. You could kill him.

There’s no question about it in your mind, especially as you follow him from a distance, and he remains none the wiser. He takes a left, and a moment later, so do you. He’s clueless. It’s almost painful that he was the one who managed to get the jump on you. How could you have let this man kill your mother?

He skids to a stop outside of a doorway, so you slide down the wall of the building opposite and listen. He pays you no mind as he knocks twice on the door.

“What d’you want, Colin?” The man who opened the door asked gruffly, seemingly inconvenienced by the man. He sounded tired, or out of it, maybe.

“I need the supply.” Colin answered, and the sound of his voice sent a shiver down the back of your neck. It echoed in your ears, the words he said that day. Good. Everything in you itched, like thousands of critters had dug into you and made a home scuttling around your insides. You wanted to kill him. You wanted to end his life, and you wanted to make it slow. Brutal. Painful. Even if it meant you were hung by FEDRA tomorrow morning. It’d be worth it.

The man at the door sighed, as if deeply bothered by getting Colin what he needed, and disappeared inside. He emerged a moment later, empty handed. “I’m all out. You’ll have to go across town tomorrow.” The man said flatly, saying nothing as Colin swore, before stepping away.

You ducked your head down as Colin passed, all too aware of the man in the doorway watching you suspiciously. After a moment, he sighed again, and retreated inside, slamming the door after himself. It took almost no time at all for you to push yourself back to your feet, and take off after the man who had left.

Despite your pounding footsteps against cracked concrete, he didn’t pay you any mind as you caught up to him. He seemed focused on getting to wherever it was that he was unknowingly leading you to, glancing up at the darkening sky every other step. FEDRA’s curfew would be coming into play soon enough.

To your disappointment, he walked into an apartment building, about three blocks away from your own. It seemed that, unless you were willing to risk being caught and stopped, today wasn’t the day you would be avenging your mother. You vowed that tomorrow you would do it. You would kill Colin. No matter what got in your way.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

By the time curfew was lifted, you had been waiting by the exit of your building for an hour.

The switchblade in your shoe felt heavy with every step you took towards the home of your mother’s killer. It weighed almost as much as the picture in your pocket. All of it was heavy. But you acted as normally as you could manage, passing by patrolling FEDRA guards without them so much as glancing towards you.

You were waiting by his building when the door opened, when he stepped out, and headed determinedly in the opposite direction from which you had come. You followed without a moment of hesitation.

He made his way around town, trading with a few people on the side of the streets, handing them small wads of ration cards in favour of various items. Nothing dangerous, though. Not to you. He clearly was oblivious to your loitering figure, standing a few metres away, like some omen of death. Despite your shadow reaching for his shoes as the sun rose, he didn’t flinch.

It was irritating you, just how easy this was. You had been following the man for two days now, and he hadn’t even noticed. How had he gotten the drop on you? How had he managed to kill your mother? How had you allowed him the opportunity to do so?

There was nothing remotely special about him — no reason that he should have survived over your mother, no reason that he should have been granted mercy over the last twenty years. He didn’t deserve it. Not like your mother had. She had done the best she could, for years, for the only daughter in her care. And she had done it all alone. This man, Colin, he was alone, and he had no reason to hurt her. You were going to make sure he regretted it.

You loomed at the entrance of an alleyway as he walked down it, finally stopping at a dead end, leaning against the brick wall as if he was waiting for something. Or someone. You knew it wasn’t you he was waiting for, so you bided your time, cautious of someone happening upon the two of you. If they had business with him, they would care. If they didn’t, then nobody but FEDRA would care.

By the time you finally decided to move, almost an hour had passed, and Colin was facing away from you at the entrance of the alley, head pressed to the bricks.

It was strange, what the innate desire to hunt and kill could bring out in you, that it could make you move silently without thinking about it. It could make you reach for the blade in your shoe, without so much as a rustle of your clothes.

With a final glance back at the entrance of the alleyway, you grew impatient, and you attacked.

From an outside perspective, you probably looked like some kind of wild animal. You jumped at him, tackling him, pushing him sideways and landing on his back as his shoulder smacked the asphalt, and he howled in pain. It was like seeing a cheetah hunt an antelope, the way you bored down on him. If you could have widened your jaws, and ripped out his insides, you think you would have.

But without that ability, you could only press the cold metal blade to his throat, and feel him go still.

“Do you remember me?” You asked, voice flat and still, despite the way your heart felt as though it would beat out of your chest, and splatter down in front of his face. You were quieter than you had expected, too. You thought that the words would burst out of you, vicious and unending, but they were quiet. Calm.

Colin shook his head, as much as he could with the side of his face pressed to the ground, and a blade to the soft skin of his neck.

“Think about it.”

His eyes strained to try and get a look at you, and they widened as you leant sideways slightly, allowing him to gaze at your blank face. “Oh, shit,” He said, mouth fumbling around the words.

“Yeah, shit.” You repeated, waiting for satisfaction to seep into your chest cavity, waiting for the grief to fade away.

It didn’t.

Nothing changed, even as you pressed the blade closer to his throat, even as you watched his eyes dart back and forth, as you watched him try and formulate a plan to survive. “Listen, kid—” He started, throat bobbing against the knife, drawing the tiniest line of blood. You watched him bleed, and expected to feel more than numb.

He threw your weight backwards, sacrificing more skin on his throat to your knife. You went flying off of him, but you flung yourself forward faster than he could stagger up, and dug the knife into his calf as he tried to stand. His yell pierced the air, louder than any of the commotion yet, and likely drawing attention of people out on the street. You just hoped, distantly, that FEDRA wasn’t around.

His flesh and muscle moved as you pulled the blade free, and you didn’t flinch at the squelch of blood that left him alongside it.

Colin fell back to the floor, resulting in crawling along the asphalt without care for how the small stones cut into his palms, leaving streaks of blood. “You don’t gotta do this, man, chill out!” His voice had more emotion in it than it had back when he killed your mother, which was infuriating. “It wasn’t personal!” He insisted, crawling further as you got to your feet, prowling after him similarly to the wild animal you felt like.

You’d disagree with his statement, though.

He already had your pack, you had already relinquished your gun — the only thing you refused to do was turn so you could be executed. If you were going to be killed, you were going to look your murderer in the eye. Instead of that, though, Colin had decided to make it personal. He had decided to kill your mother, to spread her brains out on the ground in front of you, to cover you in her blood, rather than spare her. And then, worse, he had let you live.

That seemed pretty personal.

“You killed my mom.” You stated, getting closer as he turned so he was facing you, watching you get closer. “D’you remember what you said to me?”

He shook his head.

“You said good. You were glad that it was my mother. Admit it, Colin. Tell the world all about how not-personal it was.”

More than anything, you wanted to feel satisfaction for how badly he was trembling beneath you, for how scared you were making him. But you just didn’t. Fear wasn’t enough. Not for what this man had done to you.

“I’m—I’m sorry.” He said, shaking, still shying away from you,

“No, you’re not. You’re sorry that I’m here, that you’re going to die. And that isn’t something to be sorry for.”

“Pl—Please, I have a daughter—a son, you don’t need to do this.” He begged, tearing up as he watched your grip on the switchblade tighten, watched you continue to approach. He was pathetic. Everything about him was pathetic.

“She had a daughter, too.”

His eyes widened as you leaped at him once again, digging your knife as deep as you could get it into his shoulder, feeling it graze bone as you pushed the hilt firmly against his skin, until you could practically hear the blood vessels breaking. He howled, a wounded animal, prey. And he did nothing as your fist descended against his face, once, twice, a third time.

It was just as you were losing count that somebody grabbed you, hauling you up and away from the body sprawled out on the floor, the puddle of blood slowly expanding beneath him. His chest was stuttering, but he had stopped groaning minutes ago.

“Well, shit.” A woman’s voice said, not sounding particularly authoritarian, so you figured she wasn’t FEDRA.

The hands grasping onto your arms released them shortly after, and you dropped to the asphalt, watching Colin’s chest closely, waiting for his breathing to stop. It didn’t seem to be slowing much, and you could feel that unending wave of rage coming back to you, overruling the numbness, and enhancing your need to have him dead.

You moved the slightest bit, about to launch yourself at him, but as soon as your foot was pushing you from your spot on the ground, the hands wrapped around your arms again.

“Fuck! Get off of me!”

“We can’t let you kill the guy, for fuck’s sake. We got business with him!” The woman spoke again, sounding increasingly irate as she moved to get between you and your mother’s murderer.

“He deserves to die. He deserves to be killed. Get off!” You practically roared, resorting to a state not unlike a feral cat, spitting and hissing, spine curling, trying to claw at the hands holding onto you. They stayed steady, even when you managed to scratch one of them deep enough to break skin.

The woman swore again, “Everybody deserves to die, get a hold of yourself!”

“Tess, ‘s probably best if we get him out of here.” The man gripping you said, voice straining slightly as he focused on keeping you restrained. He couldn’t do anything but hold on to you and watch as Tess dragged the guy, by his ankle, down the alley slightly, banging on a side door that you hadn’t even noticed. It opened, and the man inside swore before helping Tess grab the guy and haul him inside.

As soon as the door was safely shut, the man released you.

You walked to the end of the alley, gripping at the back of your head, swearing the whole way. You were probably screaming, given the way your throat was grating on every word, but the sound didn’t register.

“Joel, you’d better get in here.” Tess called, poking her head out of the door. You could hear the irritation in her voice, but it was immediately sent to the back of your mind as you realised what she had actually just said. You whirled around.

He wasn’t exactly what you were expecting.

But he was… familiar.

You couldn’t help it — you laughed, almost hysterically.

“Are you kidding me?” You said, voice strained with laughter, “You are Joel? Miller?” You asked, wanting him to say no and be done with it all so badly, but you knew that he wouldn’t say that. It was ingrained in your blood, in your very DNA.

He stared uncomprehendingly at you, as if expecting a spark of recognition to go through him, but it didn’t happen. You saw Tess step cautiously out of the building, apparently prepared to have Joel’s back, no matter what your next move was.

“Who are you?” Joel asked, instead of answering your question, or even making a move towards where you had begun to cry. If only he fucking knew — he had just saved the man who had murdered your mother, who had murdered the woman who was, once upon a time, his wife.

You reached into your pocket, uncaring of the way they both reached for what you assumed were weapons, and pulled out the photo. The moment you unfolded it, revealing him stood next to your mother, it was certain. This man was your father. You held the photo out towards him.

“Joel—” Tess warned, as he stepped forward, but he dismissed her with a look, clearly communicating that he could handle himself. He wasn’t worried, despite the state Colin had been in when they had arrived.

He stared at the photo, brows creasing, face drawing blank, before he reached out and took it. His finger ran across the image of your mother, her bright smile, not a slither of grey to be seen in her hair. “How did you get this?” He asked, clearly in disbelief, denial, maybe.

You pointed to the woman in the picture. “That’s—was my mom.”

It could’ve been funny, months, maybe years ago, the way his eyes flickered between you and the image of her, as if trying to put together how much of the statement was true. You vaguely noticed Tess shift uneasily behind him, before approaching.

“Was?” Joel decided to ask, eventually, instead of whatever else was going through his head. He said nothing to Tess as she took in the photograph he was still holding onto.

“That man, he—he killed her. A few months ago.” You said, smiling, because you couldn’t do anything else. This was all too much. First, your mother is killed. And then when you finally find somewhere potentially safe, you hear about your father. And then before you could do anything about that, you see her killer! And then, before you could finish the job, your biological dad, Joel Miller, saved his life. It wasn’t funny, but you didn’t know how else to react.

You stepped back, sliding down the brick wall behind you until you were sat on the asphalt, and could hang your head between your knees.

“Oh fuck,” Tess said, connecting the dots as she looked between you and Joel rapidly, brows furrowed as she became increasingly concerned. “Don’t tell me that she’s—” She shook her head, turning away from the photo and Joel and you, running a hand through her greasy hair.

Joel was still processing, or at least that’s what it looked like to you. He was staring at the photo, strangely still, seeming blank of any and all emotions.

Tess paced for a moment more, before releasing a heavy breath. She walked past Joel, over to you. “Okay, c’mon.” She said, holding out a hand for you. When you hesitated, she waved her hand and barely refrained from putting it in your face. “C’mon, we’ve gotta get you out of here before Colin goes to FEDRA.” You take her hand, surprised by her strength as she hauls you to your feet in an instant, releasing you immediately. She shook her head again. “Joel, time to go.”

He looked at her, and then towards you, nodding once. You said nothing when he put the picture in his own pocket, instead of handing it back. You hesitantly followed after Tess, wondering what your next move should be, and Joel followed after the two of you, looking stricken.

∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘

None of you had said anything, the entire time Tess had hurried you through borders and to what you assumed was their apartment. It felt like it was miles away from your own.

The wallpaper was yellowed with age, slowly drooping down the walls, peeling away at corners, but it wasn’t the worst state it could’ve been in. The floral pattern didn’t really lend itself to the vibes of the apocalypse, though. Nor did it match either Tess or Joel’s stoic and tough demeanours.

You had no idea what to expect from this.

For as long as you could remember, your mother had told you tales of your father, of the great man he was, the great father he was. But here, on the other side of a worldwide outbreak of infection, you couldn’t quite match the image in front of you to the man in those stories. You had spent so long thinking of him as being dead, unable to do anything to find you or your mother from a grave, that to learn he was alive, and with Tess, it was a shock to your system.

Where was Sarah? Where was the half-sister you had heard so much about from your mother?

Despite Joel matching the name, and the photo that your mother had kept, it just didn’t feel like he was the man you had been imagining as your father. He didn’t seem kind or caring, he didn’t look like he had any love left in him. And maybe, you could have accepted that, if he had other aspects to him, if he hadn’t let your mother’s killer live.

“What happened the day of the outbreak?” You asked, finally, despite the way you ached to run away and cry, for your mother, for yourself, for the father you would never have. Joel just looked at you, rarely blinking as if you were a figment of his imagination, clenching and unclenching his jaw.

“No, we are asking you questions.” Tess responded, clearly taking the lead on the situation, despite having no connection to you. It really shouldn’t have been her business. You scoffed. “Where did you come from?” She asked you, unblinking in the face of your disbelief.

You shook your head, “How is that even relevant?”

“Because I said it is.”

“I don’t care what you say. He’s my dad. You’re not my mom.” You replied, roughly, angrily, and you’re only more irritated when Tess doesn’t even react. You become furious when Joel says nothing. “Are you going to say anything?”

Tess went to speak, but you spoke again before she could utter a word.

“Not even about how you let my mother’s killer go? You don’t have anything to say about that?” You questioned, stepping towards him where he had taken a seat on the couch in front of that god-forsaken wallpaper.

There was an awkward lull in the room, each of you waiting for Joel to speak. He seemed unsure if he was going to speak at all, his brows furrowing further, and he pulled the photo out of his pocket to look at once again.

“She died, years ago. My—my kids…” Joel swallowed, and shook his head. He placed the photo down beside him. The photo meant nothing. You could’ve been to his house, and brought it here with you, never having met the woman he hadn’t seen since the day the world fell apart.

“Did you even look for us?” You asked him, head tilting, eyes stinging, wanting desperately for him to say yes, to say he scoured the world but missed you somehow. But looking at him, covered with scars, you could see he was nothing like the man your mother remembered. He didn’t care, not like she thought he had. The man in front of you wasn’t your father — he was a disappointment. He was your father’s shell.

Joel didn’t speak, swallowing harshly, seemingly unable to form any words.

“You’re nothing like she said you were.” You told him quietly, shaking your head, reaching by his side and taking the picture. You wanted to rip his half off, throw it at him, denounce him, tell him he wasn’t your father, that he was never worthy of your mother, but you couldn’t. It was the only thing that you would ever have of the father you should’ve had. The man your mother had loved. She’d already had so much taken from her, you couldn’t, even after her death, take Joel away too. He could live on in the memory. In pictures.

They didn’t say anything when you turned your back on them, shoving the picture in your pocket, and walking out of their door. You slammed it behind you, felt the walls of their apartment tremble with the force, and kept walking.

Part of you, a big part, wished that Joel Miller would have stayed dead. At least that way, you could have kept pretending.

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pjflmga · 3 days

Text

little things, alessia russo x reader

summary: based on little things by one direction (big fan yup) where r is a bit insecure about certain things and alessia makes sure to let r know she loves everything about r.

a/n: just smth random i came up w while i’m writing on chicago p2 bc i’m currently stuck lol. wrote this in the middle of the night so don’t mind eventual mistakes… send in recs if you want to :)

wc: 2,3k ish

enjoyy

—————————————————————

you and alessia had been together for a long time now, with your 2 years anniversary coming up in only a few weeks. you loved doing things together, watching movies or series, going out for a walk or shopping. literally anything

football might be your biggest shared interest though, whether it was watching a game or playing it. but it was not hard to see who was playing professionally and who played in a normal sunday league.

alessia played football for a living, her days consisted of training on and off the pitch and of course football games against big, top teams, weekly. whereas you were working as a chef at a restaurant and only had training 2-3 times a week plus a game on the weekends.

despite the big difference of professionalism you played in, you both were each others biggest fan and supporter. you were at all arsenal’s home games and even some away games if possible, and alessia was at yours. of course if you or her didn’t have your own game at the same time, which occasionally happened.

alessia never looked down at you for not being a professional footballer, rather the other way around. she was happy and proud that you got to the two things you loved the most, cooking food during the days and playing football in the evenings. but even if alessia never had an opinion about this, didn’t mean you nor especially the fans highlighted this at times.

as you were the girlfriend of the top player and front face of the lionesses and arsenal, people didn’t shy away from sharing their ignorant opinions. when alessia saw a rude comment about you she would always delete it, before she read half of it and especially before you got the chance to even know about it. but since you were together with alessia, you had around 30k followers on instagram yourself and a lot of the ignorant comments ended up in your comment section as well.

you knew you shouldn’t care, but you couldn’t help but read every single negative comment about you. it was everything from you using alessia for her being famous and having a lot of money, to not being good enough for her and being an ugly and bad person. the comments about you only “using” her didn’t really bother you, as you and not to mention, alessia knew that it wasn’t true. but it was rather the comments about you being too ugly, or not that a good enough person for her that made you feel like the smallest person on earth.

this had been going on ever since you got together and the public eye found out about it. at first it didn’t bother you, but as time went on it started to get to you. the blonde and you had talked about it before, but even if you weren’t, you always made sure to say that you were fine.

as of lately alessia had started to notice that you were feeling a bit more tired and down than usually. at first she thought it was because of your job and how hectic it was. but she shortly after realised it was because of all comments on social media.

and with that she started to make more efforts than usually to make you feel as special and loved as you deserved, not to mention how she felt about you.

————————————

as a person in general, you were a bit insecure about yourself. you didn’t like certain things with your body or the way you looked.

as time passed alessia started to figure out more of your small insecurities, how every time she tried to make a short video with you, you always stayed quiet because you didn’t like the way your voice sounded on camera.

how you never got changed in front of her, despite being together for a long, long time. because you didn’t like how your stomach or thighs looked. she obviously had seen you without clothes before, but it was different when you changed and got dressed. it made you feel more conscious about the way you looked, in a way you didn’t like and therefore didn’t want alessia to see.

but also how you recently had stopped coming along to nights out and dinners with her team, because you were insecure or what other people would think. despite alessia always telling you how much the team loved you and wanted you there.

alessia knew these things made you insecure, but these were also the things she loved about you the most. the way you looked, the way you were, the way you smiled and laughed. your voice, your body. everything.

at first she didn’t want these little things to slip out, in case it made you more insecure. but she quickly realised the best way to make you feel more comfortable and confident, was to bring your insecurities up, subtly and in a reassuring way, one by one.

every time you smiled you got small crinkles by your eyes and for some reason fans started to point that out, together with your freckled cheeks. alessia didn’t understand, as she thought those were two of the cutest things about you, but you hated them.

now when she started to see the comments more often, she realised that was the reason why you started to cover your freckles up with makeup, and at least try to smile less. not that it really worked when you were with alessia, who stumbled around and laughed all the time.

“babe, you’re so beautiful today.” alessia said as the two of you got ready to head out for a little walk in the park. “why are you putting on makeup? you’re just as beautiful without it.” she smiled softly.

“i dunno.” you mumbled. “don’t really like my freckles.” you said lowly. with that alessia walked up behind you, where you sat by the desk in your shared bedroom, and hugged you tightly from behind.

“you.” kiss. “are.” kiss. “more.” kiss. “beautiful”. kiss. “than.” kiss. “anyone.” kiss. “else. ” kiss. “in.” kiss. “the.” kiss. “world.” the blonde said as she kissed you freckles.

“stoppp less, you’re ruining my makeup.” you said, but couldn’t help but feeling a smile creeping up in the corner of your mouth.

“nooo!!” she said. “i’m just making sure your natural beauty is showing.” she continued as she bombed kisses on you again. you couldn’t help but laugh at that. “there’s the beautiful smile of yours.” alessia said simply.

it took you another 20 minutes to get ready before your headed out. instantly when you stepped out of the port of your stairwell, alessia grabbed you hand and gave it a tight squeeze.

“you know, your hands fits perfectly in mine.” the striker said softly.

“what do you mean less?” you asked confused, not quite catching what she meant.

“i don’t know, i just know it feels perfect to hold it in my hand.” she smiled with a chuckle. you nodded slowly, still not getting where she came from. but it was something with the way she had said it while squeezing your hand, that made you feel good. you felt yourself being thrown out of your thoughtss as alessia pulled you with her and started to walk towards the park, while babbling about her upcoming game against liverpool this weekend.

when you stopped in the middle of the park by a big tree alessia suggested that the two of you should make a tiktok together. a video where you’d have to rank her arsenal teammates.

“no i can’t do that.” you said with a laugh. “they’re gonna kill me.”

“noo, babe!! it’ll be fun, they will love it.” she laughed as she pulled up her phone.

“okay, just because i love you. but don’t post it!! i don’t uh, want people to hear my- to see what my ranking.” you said quietly.

“oh y/n, it’ll be fine. everyone will laugh at how pissed leah will be when she sees she’s not your number one.” alessia chuckled. “besides, everyone should get to hear that beautiful voice of yours when you explain your rankings.” she continued, subtly mentioning yet another insecurity. you instantly felt yourself relaxing a little when she said that. to be honest you hadn’t really realised that you had tensed up in the first place.

“let’s do this then, less.” you said as you grabbed her phone and started the ranking.

——————————

“i can’t believe you were about to put frida at number one.” alessia said with a grunt as you finished.

“well she is just the best, isn’t she?” you asked with a smile.

“well… no. i am supposed to be there, i swear if you weren’t with me right now, you would’ve put her as your number 1.” alessia answered with a unhappy voice.

“nooo babe, i’d never do that!!” you laughed. “you are obviously my number one!”

“and so are you y/n/n! you are my forever number one and i love you and everything about you.” the blonde said softly as she gave hugged you and kissed your cheek. “let’s post this and see how the girls reacts.” she continues as she posted the video.

just then she got a message from leah in the arsenal group chat, asking who’d be joining for dinner aka ordering food, and movie night at her place tomorrow night. a flood of “yes” and “me” came right away when alessia looked at you.

“you want to go?” she asked hopefully.

“uh i don’t know, don’t want to intrude your team bonding night.” you said lowly.

“no y/n babe, first you could never do that. the girls have been asking if you won’t being joining anytime soon anyways. and besides, it’s just movie night tmrw.” alessia explained as she took your hand and gave it a squeeze.

“well, okay then i guess.” you said.

“YESSSS!!!” the england forward squealed as she sent a quick “me and y/n are coming!” to the group chat and right away an even bigger flood of “yes!”, “wohoo” and “finally” came.

as tomorrow evening eventually came around, you and the blonde got ready together. since it was just movie night and leah’s, you wouldn’t dress up fancy. so you grabbed a pair of black jeans and a t-shirt as you headed towards your bathroom to get changed. but before you managed to take a step alessia grabbed your arm and hugged you tightly.

“you know i don’t mind you changing clothes in front of me.” she said softly as she hugged you tighter.

“i know, it’s just uh me. i don’t know, it’s stupid. of course i should be able to change in front of my girlfriend of almost two years.” you said while you let go of alessia to look into her eyes.

“baby, it’s not stupid the way you feel. i just want you to know that i love you and i love every single thing about you. i love your eyes, your smile, how you look and oh my god, have you seen your body?” she said softly and you can’t help but smile a little. “if you don’t feel comfortable to change in front of me, i won’t stop you. but i want you to feel comfortable with me, no matter what. i don’t care what other people say or think and you shouldn’t either. because you are more perfect than anyone else. okay?” alessia continued.

all you could do was just stare at your girlfriends. you realised where she was coming from with all of this, but to be honest, it made you feel better. she was right, the only opinion you really cared about was hers, and you knew how much she loved you.

“i know, i just feel so self conscious and insecure sometimes. i wish i didn’t but i can’t help but being affected by it.” you answered.

“you know love, those things you are self conscious about, are some of the things i love the most you.” she said as she once again gave you one of her famous “lessi bear hugs”.

“yeah i know less, thank you so much.” you said hugging her back. after some time you finally let go of each other and you felt truly safe and loved by the striker. you took a deep breath and actually felt comfortable enough to change in front of your girlfriend.

all alessia could do was looking at you with the proudest smile ever. she was happy that her little side mission had worked out the way she wanted to, that you felt better about yourself and also felt more comfortable around her.

what took her by surprise though was that you for the first time in a long, long time didn’t cover up your freckles with makeup. all you did was curling your eyelashes and put on some mascara. alessia once again looked at you with the biggest and proudest smile as well as heart eyes. oh, that girl was head over heels for you.

“you’re so beautiful, my girl.” alessia said with a grin.

when you 20 minutes later arrived at leah’s house and went to knock on the door, it was instantly opened by a not super happy looking leah.

“how dare you not put as number 1 and not even number 2, but 3 on your list, miss?” she said while giving you a stern look, but you could hear the teasing in her voice.

“told you…” alessia whispered in your ear lowly, with a laugh. “i’ll leave the two of you to figure this out.” she continued and walked into great the rest of the team.

“well hello to you too leah…” you laughed. “i guess i just don’t love you as much as less.”

“okay that’s fair BUT YOU PUT FRIDA OVER ME??” leah shouted.

“well, if it makes you feel any better, i almost put frida above lessi. but then i wouldn’t have had a place to sleep in.” you laughed.

after some back and forth you finally settled on a fair ranking where, spoilers, leah ended up as your number 1. then leah finally let you into her house and let you in with a happy smile over a face so you could greet the other arsenal players there.

the night was amazing, just what you needed. you felt safe around alessia and her teammates and you didn’t feel like you were in the way and disturbing them. they made you laugh all the time, and now the crinkles by your eyes didn’t bother you anymore.

even if alessia’s mission was accomplished, she didn’t stop reminding you how much she loved you. everything about you. that the little things you were subconscious about, made you to the amazing person that you were and the person alessia loved so much.

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sukirichi · 2 months

Text

𝐌𝐄𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍 𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐊𝐔𝐏

+ umemiya hajime & togame jo (was gonna include suo but i got nervous characterizing him, sobs.) + angst, minimal fluff. mentions of timeskip. (pssp!! i’m new to writing windbreaker but if you guys want to request ficlets/headcanons like these, feel free!) + 3.4k wc

divider from @/saradika-graphics

— UMEMIYA HAJIME.

The night’s cool air bit at your skin as you stepped out of the restaurant. Pulling your coat tighter around you, you fight back the urge to look back at your date. The blind date your friends had set up was, to your surprise, not entirely disastrous. He was a charming architect, and a friend of a friend. Had a nice smile and the prettiest set of teeth you’d seen, with the kind of humor that elicited polite, yet casual laughter from you. It was… a good date.

Still, you couldn’t shake off the lingering emptiness in your heart – the void no one had been able to fill since he’d left.

You walked slowly, your thoughts drifting back to the past like it always did. You and Hajime had started dating when you were teenagers, a time when holding hands and stealing cheek kisses were the biggest deal between couples who loved a little too much, and knew a little too less.

Your relationship with him had been a well-guarded secret. Your parents were strict, said you were “too young to know anything about love.” Hajime was also the leader of a gang, albeit with noble intentions. Not that your parents would understand – they hear the word ‘gangster’ and immediately thought (or would’ve, if they’d met him) as a troublemaker. They wouldn’t take the time to know that his gang protected people from the real threats, the dangerous gangsters who roamed around the neighborhood. Your father would never understand it, and he would never have accepted Hajime.

Your love had been intense, the kind that only young hearts could know and experience only once in your lives. You’d whispered promises under the stars of marrying each other someday, stole kisses in hidden corners, and dreamt of a future together. A future that consisted of grandkids running out a minivan, and your hair would match Hajime’s iciness with old age.

Until that day where he just… left.

Hajime had broken up with you without warning, without explanation. One day he was there, and the next he was gone. It felt like your heart had been brutally ripped out from your chest. You remember crying for days, months even, waiting for him to come back – to tell you it was a mistake. But he never did. He disappeared, leaving behind only memories and an aching void that hadn’t been filled for the next years.

So lost in thought, you didn’t notice the figure standing by the restaurant’s entrance until you nearly walked into him. You looked up, your breath catching in your throat.

White hair, icy blue eyes, and smooth, pale skin turning red from the cold.

Hajime.

He’d changed since you last saw him. His hair was shorter, short enough that he couldn’t gel it and have you brush his bangs back for him like you always used to. His face was more mature, too, but his eyes – the same warm, kind eyes you’d spent hours staring into – were unmistakable. For a moment, neither of you spoke, the world around you blurring into an insignificant image.

“Hajime,” you finally managed to whisper, your voice trembling.

He says your name softly, like your name itself was the world and he had to hold it with steady, careful hands. And he used to, once. Before he let it go. He scans your face as you gaze back at him, unmoving, as if trying to make sure if you were real. “It’s been a long time.”

“It has,” you agree with a short nod, your heart pounding. “What are you doing here?”

When Hajime smiled, it held no happiness in it. “I was just passing by. How have you been?”

“Good,” you lie, forcing a smile as you switch your weight from foot to foot. “I just finished a date, actually,” you jerk a thumb back at the restaurant, and Hajime’s gaze follows it.

“I see,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper. “I, uh… I hope it went well.”

“It did,” you replied, though the words felt hollow despite your honesty. That was the worst part, it seemed. The date did go well – he was charming, gentlemanly, and seemed genuinely interested in you. Had it been another universe where you’d met, you would’ve agreed at his offer to a second date, but you didn’t. You couldn’t. Because in this universe they had given you Hajime, took him away from you, and cruelly made your paths cross again. “What about you? What have you been up to?”

“Oh, nothing interesting. But I did leave the gang,” he informs, making your eyes widen. “I’ve been working in community outreach, helping at-risk youth. Trying to make a difference.”

“That sounds amazing,” you say, and you mean it. It isn’t surprising that Hajime has gone down this path; he’d always been full of compassion and integrity. A truly good man at his core. “I’m glad to hear you’re doing well.”

Silence falls between you, heavy with unspoken words and unresolved feelings. Even after so many years, you could read him like the back of your hand. Hajime had always worn his heart on a sleeve, the longing in his eyes mirroring your own. “Hajime,” your voice breaks as you dared take a step closer, “Why did you leave? Why did you disappear without a word?”

He looks away, his face falling. “Your dad found out about us,” he confesses quietly, “He asked me to leave you alone for your safety. He said he would do whatever it took to keep you away from harm and I – I’m not invincible, you know? He was right. Even if I did my best to protect you, as long as you’re with me, you were bound to get hurt. I couldn’t let that happen.”

“So you just left? Without telling me why?”

“I thought it was the best way to protect you,” he said, his voice pained. “I didn’t want to put you in any danger. I thought you would be better off without me.”

“But I wasn’t,” you whispered, angrily wiping away the tears that fell. “I was heartbroken, Hajime. I waited for you. Do you know how long I spent hanging around the neighborhood, hoping you’d show up and tell me you’d changed your mind? I-I thought you didn’t love me anymore.”

Hajime steps closer, regret pooling at his eyes. “I never stopped loving you. Not for a single day. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

All those years of pain and longing rose to the surface. “I missed you so much,” you say with a shaky voice. “Every day, Hajime. I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” he echoes, his voice thick with emotion. “I thought about you all the time. I wanted to come back, to explain everything, but I was afraid. Afraid that you’d moved on, that you wouldn’t want to see me.”

You took a deep breath, trying to stead yourself, hands clenching at your sides. “I never moved on, Hajime,” you whispered, “No one else could ever take your place.”

He reached out, gently brushing the tears that fell in a steady stream down your cheek. The warmth of his hand was welcomed in the night’s cold air, and you leant into it despite yourself. “I’m so sorry,” he mumbles, “I should have fought harder for us. I should have told you the truth.”

The two of you stood there, the world around you forgotten as you were lost in each other’s eyes. The years apart had been cruel, but in that moment, it felt like no time had passed at all. The familiar warmth of his gaze, the gentle curve of his smile – it all came rushing back to you, as vivid as the day you first met. The first time he’d taken your hand, the first time he’d hesitantly, yet eagerly, kissed you. You were just teenagers then, reckless and full of dreams, hiding in the shadows of your parents’ disapproval.

You could still recall the thrill of sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet him, the adrenaline of running into his arms through the streets, or the way he would wrap his arms around you to keep you warm on those chilly nights. The way he looked at you during those secret meetings, his eyes filled with a mix of adoration and mischief. And his laughter, so genuine and infectious, had been your favorite sound.

You’d shared everything – your fears, your hopes, your plans for a future that seemed so close yet somehow always just out of reach.

“Is it too late for us?” you asked, your voice barely audible.

Hajime shakes his head, a hopeful smile playing on his lips. “It’s never too late. If you’ll have me again, I want to make things right. I want to be with you – to be the right one for you. Someone you wouldn’t have to hide anymore.”

“I want that, too,” you say, your heart still full of love and longing for this man. “I never want to hide anymore, Hajime.”

— TOGAME JO.

When Hajime pulls you into his arms, holding you close, you feel whole again for the first time in years. The past had been painful, but it also led you back to each other – just like how he once said he would always look for you, in every lifetime, in every timeline. And as he pressed a gentle kiss at the top of your head, you knew and believed, that this time around, you would both be strong enough to overcome anything.

The nightclub was packed with people, the music pounding through the speakers, and the air thick with laughter and drunk conversations. You were out with your friends tonight, celebrating the end of a long week. For once, you felt free and unburdened. The neon lights flickered overhead, its colorful shadows dancing across the humid, jam-packed room.

You make your way to the dance floor, a sense of exhilaration passing over you. It had been years since you could go out like this – not needing a boyfriend’s permission, and doing whatever you liked, whenever you liked. Not that your exes were the controlling type – especially not Jo. Although looking back on it now, you wished he was a little bit controlling, just to show that he’d cared. Instead, Jo just nodded and hummed in response whenever you told him you were going out with friends, unbothered.

It had been two years since you last saw him, your first serious boyfriend after a string of failed situationships. You had shared so much with him, and yet, it had ended in a way that left a lingering ache that wouldn’t go away even after five drinks. The memories of your time together with Jo, both the bad and the good, were never far from your mind.

You’d long stopped trying to forget about him, however. Togame Jo was just someone you never forgot. Once he’d crawled his way into your heart, he’d make a home of it and have you carry the memories with him wherever you went.

He was your first love, after all. You’d been inseparable when you first started dating. It was a whirlwind romance, the type where you both clearly yearned for each other yet never had enough courage to say it out loud. The type of longing where everyone around you knew of your feelings except the two of you, and poor Sakura had had enough watching ‘the two lovesick fools.’ For months, the line between friendship and lovers blurred. You and Jo found yourself sharing secret glances from across the room, stiffening when the other’s knuckles brushed together, and heavily denying that no, they wouldn’t like me back, when it was as written in both your faces how badly you wanted each other.

And you did have each other, eventually. But as the months went by, things began to change.

Jo had become too relaxed, too comfortable now that he had you. He couldn’t see what you needed, or tell what it was you longed for – flowers, surprises, little gestures to show that he cared. Instead, your relationship had become routine. He rarely took you out on dates; most of your time was spent in his apartment, cuddling or sleeping, because Togame Jo slept like a log. And sure, you’d liked it at first. Basked in it even. To be wrapped up in his strong arms, and to wake up with your legs intertwined with each other, to hear his voice heavy with sleep call out your name.

Until the days became nothing but that – rotting in bed together. Each time you brought up wanting to spend time with him on a real date, Jo would just pull you back under the sheets, claiming you were warm and smelled too nice for him to want to leave the bed. It was something that upset you deeply, making you feel lonely even when he was right next to you.

You’d tried talking to him about it, but he never seemed to understand.

Jo was sweet and kind, but naïve in the sense that he made you feel invisible. The final straw came when you realized that being with him felt more painful than being alone. You’d hoped that he would fight for you, to ask you to stay, to see how much you were hurting and want to fix things. But when you said you felt like you and him weren’t working out anymore, all he’d said was, “Okay. If breaking up is what will make you happy, I respect that.”

You’re brought back to the present as the beat of the music pulled you onto the dance floor. You lost yourself in the rhythm, enjoying the moment, when someone bumped into you from behind. You whipped around, ready to apologize, only to be stunned into silence as you stared into a pair of familiar green eyes.

Togame says your name, his eyes wide as he balances a drink in his hand. “Jo,” you breathed out, your heart skipping a beat at the sight of him. It felt like the air had been knocked out of your chest. Here he was, standing right in front of you after all these years.

“Hey,” he says, inching closer so you could hear him through the loud music. “It’s been a long time.”

“Yeah, it has!” you replied, your voice barely audible over the noise. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been good!” he says, though there was a hint of uncertainty in his voice. “And you?”

“Good, too!” you said, though it felt like a lie. Seeing him brought back all the unresolved feelings, the questions you had never asked, the words you had never said.

Before either of you could say more, the music shifted to a slower beat. The crowd around you moved in closer, forcing you and Jo to bump bodies until your chests were pressed against each other. Without thinking, Jo downs his drink in one and starts to dance with you, your bodies moving instinctively to the rhythm.

It was as if no time had passed at all, the familiarity of his touch sending shivers down your spine.

The previous awkwardness began to melt away as you danced, replaced by a bittersweet nostalgia. You could feel the warmth of his body, the steady beat of his heart. It was both comforting and painful – a reminder of what you had lost. Years ago, before you started dating, you and Jo had been in the exact predicament – grinding and dancing on each other at some lame club Choji had VIP access too, touching each other yet still too hesitant to say what you truly felt. It felt like a lifetime ago already.

“Do you remember our first date?” Jo asked suddenly, his breath warm against your ear.

You nodded, a smile tugging at your lips. “How could I forget? You were so nervous, you spilled your drink all over yourself.”

He chuckled, the sound sending a pang through your heart. “Yeah, I thought I’d ruined everything. But you just laughed and said it was the best date you’d ever been on.”

“It was,” you say, your voice catching. “You were so sweet, Jo. You always were.”

“I tried,” he said, a hint of sadness in his voice. “I really did.”

The two of you continued to dance, the music swirling around you. The years apart seemed to disappear, leaving you both in a moment that was both beautiful and heartbreaking.

“Why did it end like that?” he asked after a while, his voice barely audible. “Why did you leave?”

You take a deep breath, the memories of your breakup – and the events leading to it – flooding back. “I felt like you didn’t see me anymore,” your voice trembles. “You stopped doing the little things that made me feel special. You were always so relaxed, so comfortable, and I felt… lonely.”

“I didn’t know,” Jo frowns, and you know he means it. He looked so confused; like hearing this from you now made everything clear, and all the while more confusing. “I thought everything was fine. I thought you were happy. I thought we were happy.”

“I tried to tell you,” you remind him, with tears stinging your eyes. Those endless nights of trying to be subtle, showing him photos of flower bouquets and mentioning twice about this restaurant you’ve been eyeing in hopes he’d take you there. He never did, because Jo liked the sight of you cooking in his apartment more. “But you never understood. And when I finally said we weren’t working out, you just agreed. You didn’t fight for us, Jo.”

His grip on your hips tightens, then falters. “I thought that’s what you wanted. I thought if I let you go, you’d be happier.”

“I missed you,” you finally admit, circling your arms around his thick neck and pressing your forehead against his. “Even after everything, I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” he says, his eyes closing as he breathes in your perfume. “Every day.”

You continued to dance, your bodies swaying gently to the music – simply because you’d both lost the words to say. As you moved in unison, your eyes don’t stray from each other, soaking in the other’s presence because it might be the last time you’d ever hold each other like this again. For a moment, it felt like you were healing, like you were finally letting go of the past.

In his embrace, there was a sense of closure, a quite promise that despite everything, one thing stayed true: you loved each other truly. The bitterness of your separation melted away, leaving behind a tender acknowledgement of what you had once meant everything to each other. It wasn’t a return to what you’d lost, but the shared knowledge that your history still held value. Now, it was time to step forward, and finally find peace.

Finally, the song ends. You pull apart from him slightly, your gazes still locked. There was so much you wanted to say, so many things you still felt. But for now, this was enough. You’d found each other again, even if it was just for a short, fleeting moment.

And it was in his eyes, too – the unspoken question if you could try one more time.

Everything in your heart and mind wanted to say yes. Yes, come back to me, Jo. Come back to me and I’ll spend forever in your bed, but it was too early. The wounds too fresh. You knew that going back to the same place and person that hurt you wouldn’t heal you. It was impossible. And Jo knew that, too.

“I’ll see you around,” he says, pulling away and detangling his arms from yours. Already, you were missing the heat of him, the strength of his body against yours.

“You too, Jo,” you reply, your heart aching for him one last time.

You part ways again – Jo with Choji and your mutual friends you’d said goodbye too, and you back to the new friends you’d made when you tried building a world that didn’t revolve around him. But this time, it felt different.

You’d acknowledged your past, and while it still hurt – saying goodbye to Jo never felt easy – it also felt like a step toward the right direction. And as you walked away, you glanced back at him one last time, seeing Jo standing there, hands in his pockets, watching you leave his world once more.

#umemiya x reader #umemiya hajime x reader #umemiya x you #umemiya hajime fluff #umemiya hajime angst #togame jo x reader #togame x reader #togame x reader angst #togame jo x you #wind breaker imagines #wind breaker (satoru nii)#wind breaker scenarios #wind breaker x reader #wind breaker x reader fluff #wind breaker x reader scenarios #togame jo angst

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yandere-sins · 3 months

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i'm obsessed with the way you write yandere! dazai 🥺🥺. you really nail his character <3. i really liked the piece you wrote about him taking care of a darling who got sick, but what about if he's the one who had intentionally caused it? like imagine yandere dazai who consistently drugs his darling to make her more complicit / weak? so he has an excuse to take care of her/cuddle her <3 ?? and his darling is so out of it that she ends up craving his touch/company, wether that be the drugs in her system or her actually caving in to his desires?? aaaa i'd love to read your take on this

I'm glad you enjoyed it!! Thank you for requesting more for the special boy ♥

»»———————— ♡ ————————««

It was a bittersweet satisfaction to have you curl up in his arms.

Addictive to his desire to be with you, adore you, love you, and yet so, so toxic, feeding the greed inside of him. Dazai still remembered the good old days when you'd walk the streets of Yokohama without any worry, clouding your bright smile and your laugh ringing out so clearly, even amongst the countless voices that separated you two. He had just been an observer back then, content with watching you go a path he could only follow but never reach you on. But his desire drove him forward until your worlds inevitably collided.

It had been a while since then, but Dazai could sincerely say he still loved you like he did the very first day. Even now, your mind muddled, eyes dulled with tears left unshed brimming on your lids, you were still the same person his heart longed for. Whenever you two were apart, his soul searched for you, every one of his actions inevitably leading back to your side.

There were still parts of him tethered to his old ways, his desire to leave this world behind only excelled by the need to see you again. You were the light in a world so full of darkness, and he was a moth ever so devoted to reaching you. And yet, his own actions never sat right with him. Even if he couldn't stop hurting you, moments like these made him justify them over and over, selfishly, until he could enjoy the peace they brought.

Drugging you had never been the plan. When some ruffians dropped the pulvery substance, he had initially been inclined to burn it or throw it away, but something made him slip it into his pocket instead of surrendering it to the authorities. Life with you wasn't always easy, and Dazai grinned while reflecting, realizing life with him wasn't either. You wanted to leave his carefully crafted cage, the hold he had on you, albeit with gentle hands. He wanted you to be safe. To be with him. He needed you to vanquish the lonesome life he was forced to lead, and once you'd be gone, there would be no more light to reach out to. Where he had decided to end it so many years ago, his humanity couldn't help but cling desperately to hope, and so, Dazai clung to you. You were the answer to his lifelong questions.

You became his reason to continue living, however unwillingly you participated in this mad idea.

And yet, if he had to describe the feeling of your resting in his arms as he kneeled next to your slumped body, drugged out of your mind like a helpless little pet, it was pure elation making his chest puff, mixed with the horror of his deeds raking goosebumps across his body. Dazai hated the lengths he had to go to. Still, having you twist in his hold until you were sufficiently warmed by his body around you, he thought he could finally die happily.

If anyone had told him how much he could love someone this cute and adorable, he would have never believed them. But experiencing it now was more painful than a hundred knives in his chest and more wonderful than the peaceful relief of natural death. You were clinging with one hand to his, having wrapped your fingers tightly around it, and with just a little bit of shifting, Dazai managed to intertwine your fingers, squeezing your hand comfortingly. It was so subtle, yet it made his heart pound like crazy when you squeezed back, your body frighteningly cold, yet the heat between your palms made him sweat like a nervous little schoolboy in front of his crush.

He didn't care about your nails scratching his skin, didn't care that you were too out of it to talk or to interact with him. It was bad, so bad, that he couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear, tears welling up in his eyes at how cutely you were burying your face in his stomach. Dazai was so glad to be alive to witness that moment, no matter how terrible it must have been for you. Then again, you probably didn't even register it when he scooped you up by your shoulder, wrapping his arm tightly around you in a side hug. Moving your body as needed to hide his face against your collarbone, smell the cheap, generic body wash he bought for you, almost making him want to lick it off your skin so he could be even closer to you.

You didn't fight, didn't argue. Sometimes, you squeezed his hand back, but that was all you could do, and Dazai adored it. Hidden behind all that anger and desperation was someone longing for affection—his affection. You were searching for his warmth, relying on him for support. Even when you weren't yourself, you were the most mesmerizing being he ever had the pleasure of knowing.

"I got you," Dazai whispered, pressing you even tighter against him. You might not have realized it yet, but you loved him, too. That was the conclusion Dazai came to. You knew he had your back and would always take good care of you for as long as he lived. He wanted to promise you forever, but maybe this lifetime would be enough. That's how he justified his selfish actions: deep down inside you, you loved him, too. There was no other explanation for it, and he'd wait for you to realize it, even if it took all your life.

Glancing at the small, clear bag filled with white powder resting on the kitchen counter, Dazai quickly averted his eyes, telling himself it would be okay. It was just a helpful tool to bring out your true feelings. To help you two get closer and bond. It would be fine if he kept using it. He was happy, and you were happier like this, too.

Happiness was best shared between both of you.

Now, he only had to figure out where he could get more drugs to ensure it.

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th3-3d3n-g4rd3n · 2 months

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I’m dying scavenging the internet for more Carl grimes x fem! reader fics. I love the idea of wear the hat ride the cowboy. Maybe with the virgin trope if you write that. Love some smut! No Rush, get to it when/ if you get to it! ❤️

omg this is beautiful and you’re so sweet

(i had to write this twice because i forgot to save it the first time so i’m sorry it took so long 😭🫶)

☆彡༄

virgin! Carl Grimes x fem!reader

(reader and Carl are 18+) (i kinda pictured Carl being 18 and reader being like 22 but you can picture however you want)(suggested that the reader isn't a virgin)

cw: established relationship, riding, kindaaa subby Carl, I’m actually so unserious in the intro, dry humping, reader calls Carl cowboy, Carl is vocal and his parents are downstairs, premature ejac... he's very eager bless him, fem receiving oral

1024 words

☆彡༄

Carl Grimes is adorable. That’s the only word that comes to your mind right now, adorable.

His consistent smile, adorable. His random compliments throughout the day, adorable. His hugs from behind when he wants your attention, adorable. And, you KNOW that it should just warm your heart but for some reason, it’s warming somewhere else (if ya know what I mean…)

You and Carl were given the afternoon off so, you'd decided to read comics in his bedroom. You had eventually gotten a little bored (and bothered) so, what else to do but annoy your beautiful boyfriend?

Snatching his hat, you place it on your head and smirk up at him, sticking your tongue out. Jokingly, he rolls his eyes and says, “hey, careful. You know what they say?” You giggle at his response, “what do they say, Carl. Tell me” you reply, not knowing where he’s going with this, “wear the hat, ride the cowboy!” he chuckles.

You smile at his goofiness, before you got an idea.

You sit up and straddle his lap, “oh yeah, Cowboy? You want me to ride you?” you say with confidence that you must’ve pulled from your ass because you have no idea where that came from (hehe). For a moment, his flushed face and unhinged jaw that the boy below you presents make you think that you’ve made him uncomfortable. You consider getting off and just walking away, taking the embarrassment and probably never talking again. That was until he starts shaking his head yes rapidly.

His hands latch onto your hips, “are you being serious? Like, is that an actual offer?” You giggle a bit at his enthusiastic tone, "yeah... If you want me?"

"Hell yeah!" he shouts with wide eyes, to which you have to cover his mouth, "as much as I love your enthusiasm, stay quiet, Carl", you chuckle a bit to yourself at the situation, "your parents are downstairs," you remind him. His mouth drops to an O shape and he smirks in realisation, "oh shit... yeah."

You both sit there in silence for a minute, making sure that nobody was coming upstairs. When you hear nothing, you take the initiative to start moving your hips on top of his, catching him by surprise and making him sharply moan under the change of friction. You clasp your hand over his mouth oncemore, quickly realising how vocal the boy would be.

It doesn't take long before the boy's chest is heaving up and down, his lightly freckled face had been flushed with a deep scarlet. Of course, you promised that you'd ride him so, you couldn't have him cumming too soon. Stopping your movements, the needy boy whined from the loss of friction however, he stopped complaining when you took your top and bra off. He once again freezes in position, unsure of what to do. Since you knew he was a virgin, you took pity on his cluelessness and decided to give him some help, taking his hands off of your hips and placing them on your breasts to which he quite literally squeaks. "Don't twist your panties, Cowboy. Just take them off." You lift your hips and gesture to his jeans.

"Yes, Ma'am" he said, hardly above a whisper - unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his jeans and, pulling them down and off before looking back up at you like an innocent puppy. God, he really drove you crazy.

Luckily, you were wearing a skirt so all you had to do was move your panties to the side before slowly sinking onto his dick. It was so annoying that his parents were downstairs because the erotic whine that emerged from the man below you was hot enough to make you almost cum on the spot. Unfortunately, it was muffled by your hand since you already knew what to expect from your vocal boyfriend.

"God, you look so pretty like this, Cowboy" you tease him. All he can do is look up at you with glazed-over eyes, cherry cheeks and swollen lips, continuing to moan behind your palm - already sporting a fucked-out expression. When he started bucking his hips up into you, you knew he wouldn't last much longer but, you didn't mind, I mean you knew he was a virgin so, you weren't expecting him to last long anyway.

"shit, shit, shit, 'm gonna-" he mumbles quickly before you feel his body tense and squirm beneath yours. You slow your movements, letting him ride out his orgasm before stopping fully. "That was so fucking hot, thank you.." he whispers to you, "you don't have to thank me, Cowboy. You're so cute."

He hides his flushed face in your neck and places soft kisses at the base of it. That was before he had a realisation, "you didn't get to cum, did you?" he said whilst wearing a lightly guilty expression. "No I didn't but, it's okay, I promise"

"No, it's not. Don't worry, I'll take care of you!" he smiles at you innocently before grabbing onto your hips, flipping you over, stripping you of your skirt and undies and lowering his face to your cunt. "You really don't have to, Carl it's oka-" you're cut off by the eager lapping of your clit, making your head fall into the mattress below you.

He was surprisingly skilled to say that he'd never done this before, keeping his mouth trained on your clit, sucking and circling whilst raising his calloused hands to your thighs and massaging them, before taking his right hand to insert a finger into your hole skillfully and, taking his other hand to your breast and massaging it like he was prior.

This time, you were the one having to cover your mouth due to being the centre of his attention. He inserts another finger and starts curling them in and out, hitting all the spots that you'd never been able to reach on yourself before.

Soon enough, you feel the knot in your stomach become undone and, your body spasms under his gentle touch; he watches you release on his fingers and listens to your muffled moans in awe.

"Shit, I could see you do that 100 times over"

I HOPE THIS IS OKAY

i quite like this one but you guys lmk what you think

love u, eden

#smut #sub character #sub x reader #carl grimes x reader #carl grimes #carl grimes smut #twd #the walking dead

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prettieinpink · 11 months

Text

CREATING A STUDY SCHEDULE/ROUTINE

PLANNING/SCHEDULING

LIST YOUR ACADEMIC STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES. This is so you can allocate time accordingly and avoid wasting any time.

PRIORITISE ANY SUBJECTS. These may be subjects that will help you in your future career or just a subject you especially want a good grade in. Anything for these subjects then becomes the most important on your to-do list.

DIVIDE TIME EACH DAY. Not all days you are going to be able to sit down at your desk at the same time. Instead, according to your energy levels and planned activities, divide your time.

E.g I have cheerleading after school and I'm going to be so tired, so I’ll do my studying in the morning instead.

ESTABLISH BREAKS. Depending on how long you can study for, place a suitable break in between. This helps make studying more productive, but only if your breaks are.

CREATING

USE YOUR TIMETABLE. On days you don’t have a specific subject, dedicate more time to that one.

CONSIDER YOUR LEARNING STYLE. This helps to be a bit more specific when creating it, instead of winging it and just doing anything. Having a consistent way of studying helps us learn better.

E.g I’m a visual learner, so I’ll watch animations. I'm an auditory learner so I’ll watch a video of someone explaining it.

KNOW WHAT YOU WILL DO DURING STUDYING. Do not just wing studying, it’s unproductive and you’re more likely to waste time instead of using it.

Before you start studying, write a to-do list of everything you need to do during that session and how you will do it. Less time time-consuming and allows you to use time productively.

SAMPLE – this is Lanny’s daily study routine without any upcoming tests, as an early bird, kinesthetic learner and needs breaks to think with clarity.

Morning

Review my flashcards in preparation for any test.

Write/note any flashcards I'm struggling with.

Afterschool

Check seqta/school website to access my courses, in which I’ll write down which subjects I had.

Do a few quick blurts on paper of everything I learned in those subjects with prior reading. I only do this for HASS, math and science + any electives that require it. (blurting method)

Then I recheck my blurts, add in anything that I’ve missed and correct with a different coloured pen.

After, I push those papers aside but I do not discard them. I’ll then complete my online science homework + class workbook. If I happen not to understand anything I’ll watch a video on it and then complete some questions on that.

I’ll take a break around now because, on an estimate, it has been around 20-40 minutes since I started depending on how my science homework is. I usually eat something and then get back to it.

Math is next. I’ll complete any math homework, then I’ll practice doing math questions on my own. What I like to do is watch a math video, pause the question without the answer then watch to see if I got it. Effective because they explain it and I can see where I went wrong without analysing my working out which is rather time-consuming.

I take another break. Math stuff usually takes around 20-30 minutes.

I then do HASS, which is the easiest. I usually read an article or watch a video on hass then apply that knowledge by answering questions OR doing assigned chapter work.

I do not study English after school, but I usually read an assigned passage/book and then try to apply any techniques/knowledge by taking that paragraph apart and analysing it. Sometimes, I write my paragraphs using any taught techniques and then mark them.

Then, I redo my blurtings again but without prior reading then recheck and correct. Then I am finished for the afternoon!!

Evening

Review flashcards then watch a video/read an article on what I was struggling with in the morning but I do not do anything to consolidate this knowledge.

That is all, please feel free to ask me about any questions about studying as I don't really post much about it, I'll love to help out any fellow students!

#hot and educated #hot girl semester #pink academia #princess academica #study blog #study aesthetic #studyspo #study motivation #studyblr #study tips #studying #high school #pretty academia #pretty and smart #study #study inspiration #routine #time management #sc

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b0xerdancer-writes · 15 days

Text

Bound Together Part 1

Alpha!Steve x Alpha!Bucky x Alpha! Sam x Omega!Reader

Summary: The Avengers are more than Earth's mightiest heroes, they are seen as one of the mightiest packs bound by years of loyalty, rivalry, trust, and love. When a new Omega joins the team, a friend of Natasha and Clint's as an Ex-SHIELD agent, it causes the trio of mated Alphas to panic and lose sleep. Shes caught not only the eye of the public, but of the alphas as well, and she might just be the key in strengthening the pack further.

Warnings: This is Omegaverse so all the warnings that come with that, I switch POVS twice, 18+ only on this as there is implied 18+content and this series will eventually have smut. This will be a bit of a passive aggressive slow burn.

Word Count: 11,409

Notes: This took me a bit to write and is my first time writing Omegaverse myself. I wanted to have a slower paced yet still getting the reader into the team dynamic as a good lil intro. Feedback is welcomed so are reblogs! Do not repost my work, the only other place i post fics on is AO3. This will eventually get added to a series masterlist/Avengers masterlist. Inspired to write this by the The Sun, the Moon and the Stars series by @crazyunsexycool, go read it!

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In the eyes of the world, the Avengers were more than just Earth’s mightiest heroes-they were Earth’s mightiest pack, years of working together having forged unbreakable bonds rooted in instinct, loyalty, and love for one another. It was no secret that while the strength of the pack was an unmovable force of unity the reason the bonds within the pack were so strong was because of the intricate web of mates and sibling-like bonds, Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, and Sam Wilson were a formidable trio and example of the strength of bonds within the pack since all three being Alphas mated to one another, while other known mates were Natasha(Alpha) and Bruce(Omega), Tony(Omega) and Pepper(Alpha) who the pack had come to see as a mom like figure despite her rebuttal she was in fact not the mom friend of the group, and Wanda(Omega) and Vision(Alpha). While mating bonds were a strong presence in the pack, sibling bonds were just as rampant: Nat and Clint(Beta), Tony and Bruce, Tony and Rhodey, Sam and Clint, just to name a few considered each other with a sibling like point of view. Every bond formed within the pack made it stronger and more complex, they were one massive family that the public couldn’t help but to envy for one reason or another but also adore for just as many reasons.

In the eyes of the public the Avengers and their pack had made leaps and bounds in the world that was secondary genders; Natasha was a leading figure in the Alpha female world and Tony in exchange was a leading figure in the Omega male world, both having set up clinics and safe spaces for their designations. Clint was a prime example how Betas still had a place in a pack dynamic as the main person to calm everything down when emotions were rampant on everyone's sides and Steve, Bucky, and Sam were Icons of same designation relationships even if two out of the three didn’t really know to what extent. Everything the Avengers did as a pack from public appearances to missions that had been recorded by bystanders was on observation, life in the compound was their break away from all of it; needless to say the public took notice when a new face popped up consistently with the already gigantic pack.

Whispers and rumors spread like wildfire, “What was her palace in the pack?” or “What designation is she?” to “Do you think she has a mate on the team and if so who?”, speculation went rampant almost overnight about who the new member could possibly be. It wasn’t long before Cap and Tony were making an announcement about the newest member: An Omega, an ex-SHIELD agent like NAt and Clint, who was close with both of the other ex-SHIELD agents. They had announced her hero name as ‘Lynx’, an enhanced individual that was a force to be reckoned with just like the rest of the pack, when questioned about her abilities she had answered questions as minimally as possible, anxious to be put in front of the millions of fans who all wanted to know about her: the nickname had come from Fury as a joke about her enhanced feline like abilities and reflexes that also made her a master of stealth , on top of her ability to withstand extreme cold Fury saw her as an invaluable stealth asset.

When her name went public news articles had begun to pop up left and right about her history, when Natasha had leaked all of SHIELD’s files to the public Lynx’s files had been in there too. Though the public quickly became used to her as an Avenger and a familiar face she was most often with Natasha and Clint at the beginning of her time with the team, though the chatter about her quickly picked back up when it was noticed she had started becoming a regular presence, both in public and on missions, with the trio of mated alphas; chatter and gossip about how the three alphas might have finally found someone to balance their dynamic, though when Steve read the article aloud to the other two in the private darkness of their shared bedroom one night before they all passed out he couldn’t help but to think of just how on the nose that article was. Sam and Bucky had agreed with Steve, it was on the nose and they just had to figure out how to get the Omega to agree to court them, since her presence and scent were nagging on all three of them since they had met her; it didn’t seem that thought about making her their Omega was going to leave any of their hindbrains anytime soon either.

Natasha and Clint had returned late one night, tipsy and in good spirits, after they had canceled on a pack movie night. They had walked in on a showing of The Hobbit since it was Bucky’s night to pick a movie and he had just found out there was a film adaptation of it, which had resulted in Tony pausing the movie to pick a bone with the two who had walked in coffees in hand and laughing like mad men.

He had perked up from his spot squeezed against Pepper in the corner of the massive double sectional U-shaped couch, turning to look over the back at them as he cleared his throat; the rest of the pack rolling their eyes at his nosiness. “So, where have you two been? I think we deserve a reason as to why you both canceled at the last minute. Even your mate won’t tell us why Nat and that is just plain mean Red.”

Nat laughed, actually Laughed and it had Bruce perking up over the couch from his spot on the floor in front of the couch, he always liked her laugh and it was rare for one to come so unprompted. “We had a friend who came into town late last night, we haven't seen her since SHIELD so we went out for some drinks, grabbed some coffee, and then we walked her back to her apartment. She lives in town but often travels for work so she's rarely here in town at the same time as both Clint and I. If you must know Tony, you nosey omega, that's where we have been.”

Tony nodded satisfied but it had gotten Steve’s attention. “Since SHIELD? I’m assuming she was an agent like you?”

Nat nodded. “Yeah, she's been doing private ops stuff for Fury since SHIELD fell and we have been pestering here about putting in a transfer to join our team, she's an omega who's enhanced, so I figured she would fit right in here.”

All of the Omega’s perked up at the thought of having another Omega around, there was far too many Alphas in the tower compared to Omegas and Betas, though it was Tony who with a sly smirk plastered on his face extended the invitation. “Well, if you think she should be on this team you should bring her around. Introductions should be in order especially if she's gonna keep stealing you two away from pack nights. If we like her we can keep her.”

Clint snorted at Tony’s tone and wording like she was a stray animal in need of a home, in fact he had to take a sip from his coffee to prevent himself from laughing at the image of his friend looking like a stray dog, giving them puppy dog eyes and standing soaking wet in the rain, even though he knew she was fine where she was at and didn't want to intrude on an already heavily bonded pack.

Nat nodded, taking a sip from her own iced coffee. “Then I’ll extend an invitation, when were you thinking Tony since it's your idea?”

Tony hummed, faking that he had to think it over. “Tomorrow night, think of it as a birthday present for myself from you. If I like her, we can keep her. Deal?”

Clint snorted, amused. “She's not a stray to take in Tony.”

Tony tilted his head away, as he settled back into his spot. “We will see about that, if I like her we keep her, Fury be damned. Now deal?”

Nat nodded, placing a hand on Clint’s shoulder as a sign they would not win this argument. “Deal.”

Tony nestled back into the red blanket around him, turning his attention back to the movie, a smug smirk on his face. The rest of the team chuckled amongst themselves, turning back to the movie themselves. Though to Steve, Sam, and Bucky, the latter of which was nestled between the two other alphas, were all on edge; Whatever the cold snow-like scent that hung on Natasha and Clint had made them all perk up, they could only assume it was the scent of the friend the two had mentioned, had their attention and had them on edge for a reason they couldn’t quite place.

Once the movie concluded everyone stood, with some yawns, and shuffled off to their own apartments with some faint goodnights. Steve and Bucky lingered for a moment as Sam slowly stood, rolled his shoulders and popped his neck; he looked over his shoulder at the other two with a worried look, steve offered him a smile and stood while pulling Bucky with him, herding the two men towards the elevator so they could return to their own private apartment. When they had all finally curled up into the oversized bed of the central bedroom they all shared, none of them found fruitful sleep, tossing and turning or finding their dreams haunted by the scent lingering just out of reach.

Sam had given up on getting any sleep when he woke up for the third time in an hour, slinking into the small kitchen while the two giants tossed and turned, his shirt clung to his skin just enough for it to annoy him and with an aggravated growl he pried it off and tossed it to the couch. He was getting short tempered and he sighed in annoyance at the fact, he hadn’t been like this in a while, since he had first started having the PTSD nightmares that would keep him awake at odd hours of the night; he settled on a cup of coffee but the pale light of the stove showing 3 am reminded him it was going to be along day so he settled for setting it to an extra strength brew. Popping the small pod into the machine and pulling one of his cups down from the cabinet left him even more impatient and annoyed. When he finally settled onto the leather couch in the living room and was able to down half the cup in a matter of seconds he flicked on the Tv for some background noise to distract him, barely having the sound up high enough for him to just pick up on it he settled in for a long morning.

He must have fallen asleep cause he was pulled from his sleep by Friday calling out for everyone to gather in the conference room, by order of Pepper; Steve was in the kitchen with a mug in hand looking towards where the small speaker was set in the center of the island counter looking like he had just got back from a run, Bucky stood in the hallway with a towel over his shoulders, his hair damp, and his boxers slung low on his hips, clearly fresh out of the shower. All three of them groaned, Steve setting the cup back on the counter defeatedly, Bucky turned around back towards the bedrooms to get dressed, and he found where his shirt had landed half under the throw pillow and half over the arm of the couch and pulled it back over his head. He stood from the couch and stepped into the kitchen behind Steve, planting his forehead between the blonde’s shoulders.

“Rough night?” Steve asked him in that concerned tone of his that could make you melt by how much he clearly cared.

“Yeah.” He answered with a half hearted hum, taking in the relaxing apple pie scent of the blonde that always seemed to soothe him.

“Wanna talk about it?” Steve offered, he offered every time even when Sam wanted nothing to do with the particular dreams that often came with episodes like that.

“Maybe.” He mumbled.

“Just because you talk about something doesn't mean it will come back to get you.” Steve offered him that same in every time as well.

“Doesn't mean it will help either.” He sighed, and Steve turned around to pull him into his arms. The same dance they did everytime that these dreams plagued Sam.

“You don’t have to, if you really don’t want to.” Steve sighed himself, saddened to see one of his mates sp distraught.

Sam stayed quiet for a second. “That Omega Nat and Clint mentioned, did you notice how strong her scent was on them?”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, it didn't seem like anyone else on the team did though.”

Sam nodded a yeah with a sigh. “That's the thing, why were we all affected by it so much? It was in my sleep too, but you two wanted nothing to do with me and were too busy chasing after that scent.”

Steve cupped his face and made the shorter male look up at him with a sad smile. “Hey, none of that now. You know I’m not going anywhere, especially just for some Omega tail when I’ve got you and Buck. You two know you’re my world.”

Buck walked back in that moment, Sam’s shoes in hand and dressed in his work out clothes, he frowned. “You guys talking about that Omega that’s coming tonight?”

Steve and Sam both nodded.

Bucky sighed, moving to sit on the couch and gestured for Sam to come put his tennis shoes on, nodding between Steve and Sam as he spoke. “Why is it affecting us so much? Scents haven’t followed me into my sleep since I first saw you after you took the serum and since I first met you.”

Steve leaned against the island as Sam joined Bucky on the couch to slide his shoes on, before the serum he hadn’t even presented yet and he reasoned he probably would have been a beta back then but the serum had kick started the gene into presenting as an Alpha, which he was thankful for since he had two true mates. “I don’t wanna be the one to suggest it but do you think there's a possibility since it has affected all three of us she's ours?”

Buck shook his head as he stood with his arms crossed, shutting down the idea immediately. “An Omega? No. Definitely not. It's probably just because her scent was lingering on a packmate, I mean we haven’t even seen her, how could you confirm something like that from a scent alone.”

In truth Bucky didn’t think that, even if it was true she was their true mate, that he deserved an Omega when it had taken a lot of work between the three of them already for Bucky to feel he deserved the other two. Sam tied his laces and stood, shifting back and forth before leaning into Bucky’s side to comfort the brunette.

“Hey it's okay Buck, just suggesting reasons, you're right we can’t assume anything like that without meeting her first. Sorry. Neither of you need to be worried, I’ll be by your sides all night as long as I have a say in it.” Steve soothed as Friday called out for their attendance again.

Bucky and Sam relented and Steve pressed a quick kiss to both of their foreheads as he ushered them out of the door of the apartment. In truth he had always been the dreamer of the group, he had always had an abundance of hope and an abundance of love to give; he was thrilled to have two mates to share with and when Bucky had mentioned possibly having a third even if it was indirectly mentioned he had to admit he had gotten kind of excited with the prospect especially if said prospect was an Omega of all things. Though he knew Sam was just afraid of losing him and Buck like he had lost his air force pack and that Bucky still had moments where he felt he didn’t deserve any of the things currently in his life and that meant especially his mates, he knew the two would be jumpy with the thought of another mate since it would be something else for Sam to lose and for Bucky to feel he didn't deserve but he almost hoped it was in fact the reason the scent had affected them so much since he reasoned it would give Buck a reason to feel he deserved it and would give Sam somewhere to direct the protective nature without it building up since he rarely got to be protective over Steve and Bucky; and for him he would finally get to satiate that part of his brain that got almost envious if not desirous when he would watch any of his Alpha packmates scent their Omegas in whatever various ways they did it, not that he couldn’t do that with Sam and Buck it just wasn’t the same since his scent didn't stay on them and it never fully satisfied that little voice in his hindbrain.

Steve was pulled from his thoughts as they made it to the conference room, most of the other Avengers were there save Wanda, Vision, and Thor, though they could hear the latter coming as he conversed with Jane on the phone the team had finally gotten him to use and that said female had taught him to use. The three practically fell into their chairs, half exhausted, Steve had probably gotten the most sleep that night since the only issue he was running into was the other two not sleeping well.

It took maybe another 15 minutes for the missing members to appear, Vision had to wrap Wanda in a blanket and carry her into the conference room since it was probably about 2 hours before the woman was normally up, it was seven am now and she normally did not show her face until about nine, and she definitely didn’t look pleased by the fact she was currently awake. As soon as everyone was in their places Pepper started passing around itineraries of how the rest of the day and the night would go. Interviews, a speech from Tony, there would be a makeup crew set up on the lower levels of the compound for those who didn't want to bother to get camera ready themselves, they would meet back up around 2:30 PM for last checks, and to go over limo assignments since Natasha and Clint were splitting off to get Lynx, they would be out the door at 2:30 and the rest of the team would be out the door at 3 to arrive at the conference hall at 3:30 and Natasha had pointed out the three of them wouldn’t arrive till 4, to which all Tony had to say was “Better make an entrance then.”

Pepper passed around bagels and tubs of cream cheese for the team to eat, since that's what Tony decided he wanted for his birthday breakfast and once everyone had eaten Pepper dismissed them all to finish their morning routines and to get ready before herding Tony back up to their apartment. Everyone slowly trickled back out of the conference room till just the three alphas remained.

“I need to shower.” Steve groaned

“So do I.” Sam sighed himself, still feeling the phantom of sweat on his skin from the night prior.

“Seems like I beat you two on that front then.” Bucky teased as he was the first of them to stand. “Guess I’ll try to squeeze a nap in then while you two are in the shower.”

Bucky held the door open for the other two as all three of them filed into the elevator, when they got back to their floor slash apartment he curled up on the couch with the blanket Steve had covered Sam in earlier while the other two crowded into the shower with the excuse they might as well save some water. It was around noon when Happy brought everyone up sandwiches for lunch from one of Tony’s favorite sub places, Steve and Sam had since piled up on either side of Bucky watching some movie Buck had no interest in since he had easily missed the first half of the plot. When they finally finished eating they had finished the movie and then decided they had better start getting dressed for the party now so they could make a good impression on the new Omega and everyone else that would be there of course, especially the interviewers that would be there and for no other reason obviously. They had split up, each retreating into their private rooms to get dressed without further distractions.

Steve had stood in front of his closet for 15 minutes trying to decide on which of the neatly pressed suits he wanted to wear before he finally decided on a navy one and pairing it with a pristine white button up. He sifted through his ties unable to decide on which one he figured would match the best giving each often a few minutes longer of consideration before shaking his head, the cycle repeated till he huffed and settled on a plain navy one as well figuring the tie bar that Bucky had given him with matching cufflinks would suffice; the bar and cufflinks had been made out of some of the vibranium of Bucky's old arm and the brunette had asked Stark to turn it into an anniversary gift for Steve one year. Though at the thought of the cufflinks he couldn’t find them or remember where he had last set them down at.

He stepped back into the shared bedroom and shuffled through the drawers and end tables there incase he had put them there but to no avail, he started to panic a bit and figured he would check his room one more time, though on his return trip Sam’s door was open and he stopped in the other Alpha’s door frame with an exasperated look on his face as Sam was buttoning up the sleeves of a white undershirt. “Have you seen where I put those cufflinks Buck gave me?”

Sam met his eyes in the mirror, “In your office I think, have you checked your desk yet?”

Steve took a few strides forward into his room, placing a quick kiss to the other Alpha’s cheek before stepping back out in a rush, “You're a lifesaver Sam.”

Sam offered him a lopsided grin and shot the blonde a wink. “I know it, what would you do without me oldman.”

Steve laughed and rushed down to his office, a room rarely used anymore, to find the cufflinks on a small glass nick nack tray Peter had given him and sighed in relief as he fastened them on, now all he had to worry about was what to do with his hair. Should he slick it back neatly? Let it be a little messy? Run his hands through it with some pomade to give it a kind of tousled yet neat and slick look somewhere between the other ideas he had?

Prior to Steve’s intrusion Sam had been pacing around his room, two suits held in front of him as he debated between them, holding them up in front of him back and forth on repeat until he finally settled on a sharp burgundy one and pairing it with a white button up. Saying screw it to a tie since he didn't want to even fuss with that or the constricted feeling of them in such a large crowd, he did however out on some nice silver cufflinks his sister had given him years ago though he did noticed he fiddled with getting the small metal pieces just right before Steve’s interruption drew his attention from the cuffs.

Bucky seemed at a lost, why he cared so much he had no clue, he had tried on a couple suits he thought would look fine but there was always something off about it that had Bucky peeling the thing right back off unable to decide if he wanted to keep a rugged look or seem a bit more polished tonight, he had been staring at himself in the mirror for who knows how long, he had struggled to decide on a belt of all things. He kept it simple with black slacks, he could pair any of his shirts and blazers with them and had finally settled on a plain black leather belt with gold hardware but on the subjects of shirts he was absolutely lost on what to wear. In an act of desperation he dug into the pack of his closet towards things he really never wore and ended up forgetting lived, thankfully him forgetting things that got put back there paid off when he found a black and gold corset style vest hung up; the thing was completely black with gold piping and boning, it reminded him of his arm and that was probably why he owned it but he didn’t remember when he got it or if someone had given it to him, he paired it with a simple black undershirt. He slipped into the small attached bathroom and pulled his hair half up, a thing both Steve and Sam had done at some point while playing with his hair.

None of the men had really realized just how long they had taken piecing themselves together to perfection until Friday was practically yelling at them to get their asses downstairs to the pack living room, the team had been waiting long enough for them that Nat and Clint had already left to go get their friend. They all awkwardly piled into the elevator making small compliments about how the others looked, figuring they were due for off-handed comments from the rest of the pack when they made it to the main room it was best to get the nice compliments between eachother out of the way.

Once the elevator dinged the three men shuffled out into the staring crowd awkwardly. The team was gathered in the common room with everyone looking sharp and collected in their party outfits, the room was abuzz with anticipation and excitement. Tony was leaned against the back of the couch in a red, gold, and white tux with a bowtie that mimicked his iron man suit; as the three alphas joined the small group of people he offered them a teasing raised brow and a smirk before he clapped his hands together to get everyone’s attention.

“Alright everyone, listen up please.” Tony began, “First of all,thanks for making an effort to look good tonight. You all clean up well though I am a bit concerned with the Shield cufflinks there Steve, a bit on the branding nose there, don’t you think?”

Steve rolled his eyes but offered the shorter Omega a grin. “They were a gift from Buck, I like them.”

“A gift, sure.” Tony joked back, “but try not to overwhelm anyone with your patriotism yeah?”

Steve rolled his eyes and the room chuckled, the light banter easing any lingering nerves. Tony’s eyes swept over the team, landing on Sam and Bucky, who were both standing close to Steve but looking more anxious than normal. He knew neither male was a big crowd person so they were normally anxious with parties and gatherings but this was unusual even for them.

“Now here's the thing,” Tony continued, his tone shifting to something more playful yet stern. “We have a special guest tonight-Nat and Clint’s friend, you’ll notice they have left ahead of us to go and get her. I’m sure you’re all very excited to meet her as a possible new member to our team and pack. And by ‘you’re all’ I specifically mean you three.” He shot a pointed glance at Steve, Bucky, and Sam. “You three have been acting like nervous highschoolers before prom.”

Sam opened his mouth to protest but Tony held up a finger. “Uh-uh.” He tutted. “Don’t even try to deny it. You three took exceptionally long to get ready, Friday said all three of you were fussing over your suits and hair longer than I do. You’re all acting like you have something to prove, or something you’re showing off for.”

Bucky crossed his arms, a mix between a frown and a pout on his face. “You told us to make a good impression.”

Tony’s smirk widened. “Since when do you listen to me? But on another note: Exactly! I wanted to remind you all- especially you three- to keep it cool tonight. We are here to have a good time and relax, not to scare the poor girl away.”

He paused, letting his words sink in for a minute before continuing with a more serious tone. “Look, I’ve seen her file, and trust me, she’s got some serious skills. If she likes the pack and we like her, I’d actually like to keep her around. So, on that note, no weird behavior, no intense staredowns, and definitely no overprotective Alpha nonsense tonight. Capisce?”

Steve, Sam, and Bucky exchanged looks between each other, each of them a little more self-aware now as Tony called out their tendencies. Steve finally nodded, a small smile tugging at his face as he covered Sam’s mouth who he could feel asking Tony why it was directed at them more so than the rest of the pack. “We’ll behave Tony. Just for you.”

“Good, because I’d hate to see her run for the hills before dessert is even served and before I get to do my big speech tonight.” Tony chuckled, his tone back to its playful lilt. “Now, let’s get out there and show everyone why I throw the best parties and why the Avengers are the best pack. We have a 30 minute drive ahead of us. Separate into your limo buddies.”

With that, Tony gave them all an approving nod and led the way to the elevator with Pepper on his arm. The team followed, the atmosphere not as charged with nerves with Tony’s words lingering in the back of their minds.

Tony had booked a conference hall in the middle of New York, a 30 minute drive from the Avenger’s compound, that was packed to the brim with guests inside and paparazzi outside. Tony and Pepper were the last ones out of the limos right after Steve, Sam, and Bucky who all tried their best to give the cameras what they were looking for but rushed through so Buck wasn’t in the camera sights too long and the paparazzi could get to the star attraction already.

Inside the room was packed and Steve could have sworn he had seen Hank McCoy talking to Charles Xavier since both men were friends of Tony’s as respected scientists and inventors like he was. The three were tense as they scanned the crowds, almost like they were looking for someone else but Bucky beelined it towards the drink table; not that it would affect him but having something in his hand to fidget with even if he got separated from his mates alleviated some of social anxiety. Sam and Steve are hot on his tail, picking up their own drinks when all three of them get bombarded by some interviewer to comment on same designation relationships, Steve manages to corral the conversation mostly towards himself since Bucky hated being interviewed and Sam didn’t like being put on the spot about this kind of thing; but just as he started commenting on a rather invasive question the attention of the entire crowd was pulled towards the entrance.

Arriving 10 to 15 minutes after the group was Natasha, Clint, and their Omega friend; Nat and CLint flanking her like protective guard dogs as she strolls between them with a graceful confidence that has all three men mesmerized. Dressed in a simply stunning backless of the shoulder draped sleeves, black silk gown that glittered under the lowlights, making her seem practically ethereal to the three alphas.

Tony slides up beside Steve with a knowing smirk as he pours a bit of a drink for himself as he reminds them: “No weird Alpha behavior.” before slipping away back towards Pepper.

The three tensed, at the immediate overwhelming scent like that of fresh snow, vanilla, and sweet juniper berries; their instaints screamed at them and Steve's heart was in his throat, Bucky shifted closer to the other two males to fight off the urge to immediately glue himself to her side, and Sam was in some of the worst shape between the three of them if the heat flooding to his face and his complete freeze up was any indication, glances between all three of them were exchanged to make sure the others are just as affected as themselves and when Steve clears his throat all three of them equally heated in the face hide behind taking a drink.

The room that was frozen lights up with an energetic buzz, the interviewer from earlier scampering off to figure out what the story is about this new girl who was escorted by two avengers. Steve and Bucky are able to pick up on some guests conversations as they whisper between each other and interviewers trying to get the threes attention, with wonders of who she was, what her role was with the grand pack, if she was a new member, why they hadn’t seen her before, etc; it exhausted them to hear the barrage of questions and they could only wonder how she didn’t already seem exhausted by it.

Steve, Sam, and Bucky try to distract themselves from her lingering presence, all parting ways to talk with someone they knew, even if that meant Bucky was in the corner talking to Wanda and Vision just trying to stay hidden, Sam was off talking to Rhodey the two had bonded over war stories, and Steve was talking to another Alpha both males were familiar with, Sharon Carter, congratulating her on her recent bonding with Maria Hill.

Sam can hardly focus on the details of what Rhodey is saying, something about how he was bunkered down on one of his tours, and it bothers him when he realizes the entire reason he is distracted from the conversation is that scent.

Rhodey touches his shoulder softly as he fidgets with his glass, a blank stare as he nodded along to whatever the other man was saying. “You okay Sam? You seem a bit out of it, did I say something that brought back something?”

Sam shook his head and sighed. “No it's not you Rhodes, does anything scent wise smell off around here to you? Like one stronger than the others?”

Rhodey sniffed the air, his nostrils flaring before he shook his head. “No, not particularly, there's too many scents to really pinpoint one unless I was trying to find my mates, why?”

SAm shifted from one foot to the other. “Have you ever had one scent stand out to you so strongly that it haunts you even in your sleep?”

Rhodey gave him a confused look. “Only my wife’s. Why? Steve and Bucky’s scents are a bit too strong in your sleep or something?”

“No,” Sam shrugged exasperatedly. “Nat and Clint brought their friend tonight, the one who is supposed to be joining the team right?”

Rhodey nodded trying to understand the other man’s meaning. “Well they came in with her scent on them the other day and it's been in my face since then, I barely slept last night man.”

Rhodey raised a brow and smirked. “Think ses your mate? That’s a pretty common thing for true mates.”

Sam shook his head. “No I already have two, three would just be absurd.”

“Would it? For the exact same reasons you just said.” Rhodey shrugged, taking a sip of his own drink. “ You already have two, would it really be that crazy for a third?”

“You are not helping the case here man.” Sam huffed, taking another swig from the cup in his hands.

Though he let his eyes wander as Rhodey laughed, finding her nestled between Natasha and Clint talking with Bruce and eagerly shaking his hand. If it was bothering him like this and Rhodey had suggested the same thing Steve had, was it really that absurd the three men might have a third mate out there somewhere, that it might be her?

Wanda was anxiously yapping away, Vision was trying to calm her but Bucky found it endearing that she was just as uncomfortable in social situations as he was and was trying to calm both of their nerves.

“What do you think of her from here?” Wanda asked, slotting herself between Vision and Bucky.

The three watching her as Tony made himself the first to greet her, Bruce joining them quickly happy to see Natasha again and shaking the other two omega’s hands. Bucky’s hand flexed around the glass, involuntarily, though he's aware that noise of the glass straining is an indicator of his tension and he is quick to swap out which hand is holding onto the drink.

“She seems nice, though she seems to definitely have a presence.” Bucky mutters as he takes a drink.

“You think so?” Wanda asks with furrowed brows and a tilted head.

“If I may put in my two cents, I believe that is only because of the fact the crowds weren’t expecting her and we were.” Vision chimed in, happy to be included.

“No,” Bucky scowled, “that’s not it, cause the attention on her is dying down and she's already been rushed off to meet Pepper, and I guess see Clint’s wife and kids again with how Lila threw her arms around her neck. You could still find her in the crowd without trying, I guess I don’t get how she's good at spy work when she can hold the room's attention like that.” He grumbled watching the new omega squat down to hug Lila before moving over to see Nathaniel with a smile on her face as she cooed at babe in a small baby tux.

Wanda stepped in front of him, a smug smile on her face and her arms crossed. “I think its just you buddy, no one else in the crowd is staring her down as intently as you are. Maybe Steve and Sam but their looks are fleeting. You sir are enraptured, bewitched, enthralled. Vis what are other words quick!”

“Uh, captivated, enamored, hooked, attra-” Vision started before Bucky interrupted.

“Okay I get it.” He grumbled into another drink.

“Soooo?” Wanda looked up at him expectantly.

“So, what?” Bucky asked, confused.

“Why are you staring her down so intently, what about her has you so worked up?” Wanda asked excitedly.

“It’s nothing.” He muttered, trying to find Steve in the crowd.

“Well seeing as how you, Steve, and Sam have all been acting weird I know something’s going on, spill.” She sighed looking up at him expectantly.

Bucky shot her a look that said drop it but only made her smile and her eyes widen.

“Oh my god,” She started.

“No!” Bucky interjected.

“What?” Vision asked.

Wandas eyes darted between the new Omega and Bucky like she had pieced something together. “You think-”

“No! Nonononono. No.” Bucky interrupted, attempting to shut down the topic.

She turned to vision, stepping out of Bucky's reach. “He thinks she’s their mate.”

“Oh! Well that is very pleasant but you haven’t even met her yet, may I ask what it is that makes you believe so?” Vision looked down at his little excited Omega, who was practically vibrating in her place, an amused look on his face before looking back up to Bucky with an interested look on his face.

“I don’t, for that exact reason, but Steve does.” Bucky grumbled, knowing he was stuck in the conversation now.

“Well then let me rephrase that, why does Stece believe that to be the case?” Vision corrected himself.

“Her scent was lingering on Natasha and Barton last night, but it was strong enough none of you seemed affected but all of us barely got any sleep cause it followed us into our sleep.” He mumbled, finding Steve still talking to the two females.

“And you aren’t convinced why?” Both of the mated pair at his side asked him in tandem.

“We haven’t met her in person one, and two is even if she’s Sam and Steve’s mate that would mean she's mine and I don’t deserve an Omega. I’ve hurt enough of them in my time as the Winter Soldier.” He sighed, he was still getting used to opening up to the pack.

“Then, if she is, make up for it.” Wanda gave him a pointed look. “But you won’t know unless you go talk to her. Go on.”

“Maybe.” He mumbled not liking getting called out by Wanda.

“Alphas.” Wanda sighed.

Steve was off. His entire composure was dangling by a string, he was hardly holding it together and it bothered him; he was trying to focus on the two women he called friends in front of them. He nodded along with a smile, chirping back an appropriate remark when it was necessary with his usual charm and speed; but as time went on he found himself floundering, taking longer than usual to find a word or make a remark, his entire being was just thrown off. He smiled, though it was a closed off one, unlike his usual smiles, and he clenched his jaw at how bothered the vanilla in the air made him; he had purposely put his back to her while talking to the other two women to try and ease his distraction because he really did want to congratulate the two, but in reality he felt it almost made the entire situation worse because of how one part of his brain seemed completely distracted on where she was and if she was okay.

He didn’t need the two women in front of him catching onto what was going on, he knew, he just hoped his two mates were coming to the same conclusion. Oh, how he was thankful when he had to dismiss himself from Sharon and Maria at Tony’s beckon, giving the couple a final congratulations as he stepped away and turned to see Tony looking down at the Omega with a hand on her back as he led her towards the primary group of Avengers.

“Duty calls ladies, again ladies congratulations.” Steve waved himself off, hurrying to find his spot between Sam and Bucky who both seemed just as off as he was feeling.

Tony begins to introduce her before he stops, “What am I doing, I am being so rude, my apologies im sure you want to introduce yourself.”

She smiled, and chuckled, and her eyes glittered in the low light, and Steve felt like he could have melted right there, with how her voice sounded like heaven to him. Sam and Bucky tensed either side of him and he knew they were in the same boat as him, and he could have sworn the sudden wave of protectiveness he felt over all three of them was enough to knock him off his feet but he was still standing.

“Right obviously you know me, Nat, Clint, Pepper, and Bruce but the rest of these guys are the rest of the team and occasional allies depending on the situation. Rhodey a good friend of mine like a brother to me, Scott and his girlfriend Hope two of our bug people and yes we have more, Thor and his girlfriend Jane, T’Challa I think you two would get along with the whole cat motif thing, Wanda and her mate Vision, Carol she stops by occasionally, the kid is Peter our other bug person but ultimately the coolest bug we have,” Tony begins introducing everyone with banter to make everyone laugh as she shakes hands with everyone.

“And these three brooding men are Sam, Steve, and Bucky. Don't worry they aren’t as scary as they seem, despite the staring thing they have been doing all night, I’m sure you felt their eyes on you.” Tony teased and she chuckled, Steve straightened himself out and stepped forward to shake her hand.

“Pleasure to meet you, miss. Steve-” He started, and his heart just about jumped out of his chest.

“I know who you are Cap, you don’t have to go out of your way to give the whole spiel, the pleasures all mine.” She offered him a smile back and the electricity he felt between them was enough for his confirmation.

The slightest dilation of her eyes, told him she had felt it too, it wouldn’t have been enough for anyone else to pick up on but he could have gotten lost in her eyes almost immediately so he had picked up on it.

“Let me introduce my true mates then, although I'm sure you know them too since they are also Avengers.” Steve was floundering and he wanted to punch himself in the face so he would shut up.

She nodded and Bucky and Sam stepped up, each male offering him a small touch to his back or sides. Steve pulled his hand away from hers and gestured to each man as he introduced them.

“James ‘Bucky’ Barnes, my first mate.” Steve started, and Bucky shot him a worried look out of the corner of his eyes at being the first one to be introduced, in all honesty Steve needed to see Bucky react to the inevitable that was there.

“Pleasure to meet you doll.” He forced a small smile on his face as he shook her hand, and Steve’s eyes traced how Bucky’s grip tightened slightly and how his throat bobbed as he swallowed, taking that as the indicator Bucky had also felt the small jolt.

“I’ve heard a lot about you from Natasha and Clint, they both said you were an amazing fighter, I look forward to maybe sparring with you one day.” She smiled at him and he felt like he stopped breathing all together.

“I’d like that doll.” Bucky nodded, passing her off to Sam so he could catch his breath from the constant static of energy between their hands.

“Sam Wilson, pleasure is all mine sweetheart.” Sam winked, shaking her hand, flirting being his go to in situations like this.

She chuckled softly at his flirty comment and shook her head. “Flirting in front of your mates is bad practice Mr.Wilson.”

“I can get them to flirt with you too if you’d like that.” He teased back, trying to not lose his cool as his whole body felt charged with energy, all exhaustion from earlier leaving his being.

“You are terrible Mr.Wilson.” She laughed.

“Sam is fine, hon, no formalities required.” He felt like he was losing it standing here, any longer and he would be practically vibrating in his spot.

Thankfully Steve pulled the conversation back to him and Sam could breathe again, shooting Bucky a concerned look who looked floored and stunned.

“Let’s grab some drinks Buck.” He offered, and Bucky nodded quickly.

“Yeah, I’m just about out, could use a top off.” Bucky agreed joining Sam’s side as they scampered off towards one of the refreshment tables.

“Nat and Clint speak highly of you, how did you three grow to be so close?” Steve asked me, his blue eyes made it seem like he was actually interested in what I had to say but in truth he had kept glancing my way all night making sure his back was to me, it felt like he didn't really like my presence being there.

“We were put on several missions together, Clint and I joined at the same time, and I’m sure you've heard of what happened in Budapest though all three of us say different things happened there.” I smiled and nodded just trying to get through the conversation.

I liked the rest of the team, I really did but the three mated alphas had been glaring or staring me down almost all night, like they were uneasy about me. Earlier Bucky seemed like he was uneasy to even touch me and Sam seemed like he was ready to get as far away from me as possible despite the fake flirting.

“I don’t want it to seem like I’m interviewing you or anything because that is not the case, just curious to get to know you, but uh, Natasha mentioned you were …enhanced, what kind of abilities did you …inherit, manifest… Is that a better word?” Steve stumbled; he wasn't good at the enhanced and mutant politics or how to address things when it came to that, even with Wanda.

“You can call me what I am Mr.Rodgers, Yes I am a mutant. It manifested when I was about eight or nine, uh, I have heightened reflexes, I always land on my feet, can withstand extreme colds, and I can walk almost completely silently which makes me good at stealth. My hero or code name or whatever you want to call it was a nickname from Fury I just kept.” I laughed awkwardly, I never liked putting my mutation front and center especially since I tend to blend in with other humans perfectly fine it wasn’t something I felt I needed to push or lead with.

“Apologies if I overstepped there, it's new to me.” Steve rubbed the back of his neck like he was honestly unsure of how he should have addressed it.

“You didn't, I'm just not someone who is normally very forward with the fact I have a mutation.” I smiled back trying to relieve him of some awkwardness.

“What do you do for hobbies? Any interests, a training regiment? How do you unwind?” Steve asked, changing the topic quickly.

She smiled and answered but Steve wanted to beat himself up for how uncomfortable he had probably made her asking about her mutation, it honestly intrigued him but he just didn’t know how he was supposed to address things like that. Though the two are quickly separated as Nat shoots him a look, sweeping her back into the festivities.

As the evening progressed Steve couldn't help but to keep tabs on where Nat had swept her off to next, always introducing her to someone else, he settled at a table with Sam and Bucky, not wanting to mention it too much when he noticed both males also keeping tabs on her. As much as they were trying to stay discrete Natasha’s warning gaze had them shrinking back into their chairs like scorned pups, though the second their eyes darted away Natasha had smugly smirked to herself. They thought they were being subtle, she chuckled to herself at their antics.

��Hmm? Everything okay Tasha?” The voice drew her out of her thoughts and looked down at her close friend who had been enthusiastically talking to Bruce about some science thing she wasn’t paying attention to.

“Yeah, everything’s okay, just thought of a funny joke.” Natasha waved it off, but shared a smug knowing look with Clint who was holding Nathaniel on his hip.

The red head took two slices of cake off the table and handed one to her, and one to Bruce, before grabbing her own and taking a bite from her own slice as she ushered them over to where Clint and his family were.

As the night drew to a close and the party was beginning to wind down, Tony called everyone over to the small stage to give his normal yearly speech. The avengers all turned their attention to him with smiles on their faces, he adjusted the mic to his height and set his champagne glass on the edge of a glass table beside him. The guests quieted as he cleared his throat, all eyes on the man of the hour.

“Alright, alright, you all know what time it is, the moment where I come up here and blabber about how great I am and all that, but if I could just have everyone’s attention for just a few minutes, I promise this time its not as self-centered.” Tony started, flashing his trademark grin. “First of all, I want to thank you all for coming out tonight. It’s not everyday a guy turns… lets just say another year wiser, alright?” The crowd chuckled and Tony’s grin widened. “But seriously, it means a lot to have all of you here-friends, allies, fans, and of course the best team a guy could ask for, even if we but heads a majority of the time.”

Tony’s gaze shifted to the team, a genuine warmth in his eyes. “You know, when I look back at everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve faced, it still amazes me that we’ve come through it all stronger than before. The battles we’ve fought in, saved the world more times than you could count on your fingers, and somehow we’ve managed to keep our sanity. Well, most of us anyways.” He winked towards the team, earning a few more laughs from the crowd.

“In all seriousness though, I couldn’t have done any of it by myself, without you guys. Steve, Sam, Bucky, Natasha, Clint, Bruce, Wanda, Vision, and everyone who has been a part of this crazy ride; you’re not just teammates, you’re family.” He nodded towards them with a smile on his face.

There was a brief pause as Tony looked down his glasses, his voice softening. “And then there’s Pepper.” His eyes found hers in the crowd, a sparkle in them and the complete adoration in her gaze left him feeling like the only man in the world. “Pep, you’ve been my rock, my voice of reason, and quite frankly the only reason I’m still standing here today. You’ve put up with more than anyone should ever have to, and you’ve done it with more grace and strength than I ever could. So I’m dedicating tonight to you and to all all the amazing things you’ve done, not just for me but for all of us.”

Pepper smiled, her eyes glistening with welling tears, and Tony raised his glass slightly in her direction. “Here’s to you Love, and to many more years of driving you absolutely insane.”

The room erupted in applause and cheers, Tony took a moment to let the noise die down before continuing. “Now, before we wrap things up, there’s one more thing I want to share. You all know we’ve been through a lot as a team and a pack, I’d like to think we’ve grown stronger because of it. Well tonight I’m excited to announce that we’re about to grow a little stronger.”

Tony’s tone shifted to one of pride as he continued, “ We’ve got a new member joining our ranks. Someone who’s proven herself time and time again; who has the skills, the guts, and the heart to be one of us. Natasha and Clint already know her well, and after tonight I think it’s safe to say the rest of us are starting to see why they trust her so much.”

He paused for effect, then smiled warmly. “Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in welcoming the newest member of the Avengers, Lynx.”

The room filled with applause as Tony turned to beckon her on stage. “Come on up here, don’t be shy, you're part of the family now.”

Bucky, Steve, and Sam watched the way her hips swayed in that dress as she climbed the stairs into Tony’s awaiting outstretched hand.

“We’re thrilled to have you with us,” His voice carried a genuine note of welcome. “We can’t wait to work with you and see what you’ll do next. So here’s to the future, to the newest member of our absolutely terribly dysfunctional family, and a thank you to Fury for giving into my birthday wish. Welcome to the team.”

The applause grew louder and Tony raised his glass one final time. “To Pepper, the Avengers, and of course: Me!” He declared, and the room echoed the toast.

Tony moved to set his glass back onto the table without looking, the room seemed to freeze as the glass started falling off the small side table; Steve about to rush forward before the glass inevitably broke and cut her as it shattered with her open toed wedge heels, but before Steve could even move she had the glass in her hands and not a drop split as she sat the glass back onto the center of the table.

Tony’s eyes widened before he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, she simply smiled back at him as she turned to retreat back down the stairs. “Reflexes, they come in handy.”

The small action had Steve, Bucky, and Sam frozen on the spot, they knew Tony had read her file and said she would be useful but those reflexes had kicked in faster than either of the supersoldiers had. She climbed down the stairs to the waiting Natasha and Clint who patted her on her back, a small smile on her face as she tried to downplay the almost accident. She could feel the sets of eyes on her back and looked over her shoulder to be met with the three alphas staring her down, she shifted and busied herself with the conversation around her.

Steve wanted to punch himself in the face for the way she seemed to shrink in their gaze, making herself smaller between the Barton’s and Natasha; but at the same time knowing him and his mates affected her as much as she affected them almost made him pride himself, then a second later he was beating himself up for thinking like a stereotypical alpha that he tried not to be.

Bucky was impressed, Steve had been the only person he had ever seen move that quickly aside from himself, and he found himself wondering how those reflexes would correlate to other areas like sparring, or sparring. He wouldn’t let himself admit he was already thinking of having her in bed like he did with his other mates on the days regular sparring didn’t take that edge off and he needed a little bit more to keep his nerves balanced.

Sam was in the same boat as the other two but thinking less with his dick and more of how attractive she was in general and how impressive her brief show of skills had be, he could only imagine how she would move and fight on the actual battlefield; he reckoned that since she was a stealth master more so than Natasha or Clint were she adapted based on the circumstances, he would've put money on a bet that in their time at SHIELD the three probably had made their own bets on trying to beat her in stealth drills only to lose every time.

Steve, Bucky, and Sam retreated to a corner with their tails between their legs. The crowd began to filter out slowly, Steve had begun to talk but it was Bucky who had interrupted him. “We need to talk about this later, clearly we are all being affected by this and we need to straighten this all out.”

The other two nodded in agreement, watching as Tony talked with the alluring female across the conference hall, fighting to take their eyes off her. The rest of the avengers were all regrouping after a little bit of last minute partying that resulted in Natasha being a little too lovey dovey with Bruce and all of Clint’s kids being asleep.

They were so deep in thought they didn’t hear Pepper walk up behind them or even start talking to them. “...to leave? Hey? You three even listening? No, no you are not.” She sighed before clapping between them, startling all three Alphas to attention. “Quit being star-struck by an Omega you have barely met and maybe pay attention. I asked if you three were ready to go? We are getting ready to leave. Please, have your heads on straight, shes coming back to the tower for the night since her apartment is 45 minutes from here instead of 30 minutes from here.”

The boys all scrambled to agree and within the next 15 or so minutes they were squeezing into the back of a vehicle, the other members of their team squeezing into their own.

Steve popped his neck and stretched out in the vehicle as much as he could. “We really need to figure out why this is affecting us so much. When she touched my hand earlier it felt like static electricity.”

Sam nodded. “I felt that too but it was more like my entire body was wired with electricity despite how exhausted I was.”

Bucky growled under his breath, looking out the window at the passing lights. “It’s just ‘cause she’s new and mysterious and is being brought into the pack.”

SAm made a noise in disagreement. “You know that's not what this is Buck, I saw how affected you got especially when we went over to get drinks. You were staring out into space like you were lost in your head again. Whatever this is, it's different than just new, it's way more intense. Admit it Buck you felt something too.”

Bucky shot him a side long glare. “Okay fine, there was a tiny jolt, but not anything like you two were describing.”

Steve tried to diffuse the situation. “Whatever it is we have time to figure it out, it's not like we are in a rush. Whatever is leaving us all so tense and curious will take time to figure out until we get used to her being around and as a member of the pack we wont know if it is just cause she’s new or not. We keep an eye on her till she's used to everything and be there if she needs anything. I don’t want her thinking we don't like her or don’t want her on the team or in the pack.”

Bucky grumbled an agreement and Sam nodded, most of the cars were already here, Thor and Jane were the car ahead of them, and he was helping her out. By the number of cars pulling down into the parking garage there was only one car besides their’s missing from the fleet; probably Tony and Pepper since she had to finish arranging everything with the cleaning crew. The three trudged into the building, exhaustion finally settling into their bones and after shrugging off their party clothes all crashed into the large bed together.

On another floor Clint had escorted Lynx to her guest room on the main team communal floor of the tower. “I’ll be right back, let me go put Nathaniel down and grab Nat, Nat said she put some clothes in here for you earlier.”

“Kay, I’m gonna change then hurry back. I know you and Nat want all the gossip and know of what went on tonight.” SHe had smiled to Clint who nodded and rushed off.

I found the clothes Natasha had left for me folded neatly in the bathroom with a hairbrush and bathroom essentials, I changed into the pj set Nat loaned me: a silk set every member of the team probably had because it had little chibi versions of all the members on it and an old Shield training shirt. I brushed my teeth and my hair out, rinsing my mouth out with the sink water just as a knock sounded from the door.

I dried my mouth quickly before rushing over to open the door, a slightly tipsy Natasha leaning against the door frame and an amused Clint with his arms full of extra blankets off to the side of her.

“Hey! Get in here!” I stepped to the side and Natasha immediately threw herself onto the bed. Clint tossed the blankets onto the empty dresser before sitting down in an accent chair.

“Spill! I gotta know what happened when You weren't beside me or Clint.” Natasha mused, fixing a pillow under her chin. “What do you think of the team? How do you think the night went?”

I shrugged. “I dunno, I don’t think Steve, Sam, and Bucky like me that much. Steve seemed really unsure, and Sam while he was flirting it seemed he wanted out of the conversation as fast as possible, and all Bucky did was grumble and stare at me really. I mean I shook his hand and talked with him a little bit but he rushed off with Sam.”

Nat smiled like she knew something no one else did. “Ehhhh, don’t think a thing of it, they like you don’t worry. Bucky wouldn’t have talked with you at all if he didn’t like you in the slightest. And Sam may be a flirt but he never rushes off unless hes actually meaning his compliments, and as for Steve you somehow managed to get under his facade and made him slip up. They like you don’t worry.”

“If you say so, They just seemed to be keeping me in their sights like they were afraid I was gonna turn on someone all night.” I sighed, and Nat ruffled my hair.

“I mean it, they might be acting weird right now just because you are a new person, give it a few days hon, and it’ll be all normal.” Nat pointed out.

“How do you think it went with the rest of the team?” Clint questioned.

“I think it went okay, I liked Wanda, she seemed sweet.” I answered quickly.

“She’s excited to have another Omega around I bet. The Alphas outnumber the Omegas on this team. And seeing as the only other ones here regularly are Tony and Bruce, both of which are males, I think she's happy to have another female Omega around regularly.” Nat slurred slightly, but her point made sense.

“From what I could tell, it seemed like everyone on the team liked you, it seemed like you left everyone with good impressions.” Clint offered.

“You think so?” I asked.

“Yeah, I think so. The fact Bucky even talked to you is a sign of that.” Natasha had her eyes closed on the pillow, her words coming out slowly as she started to drift off.

“I better get her back up to Bruce before she passes out, Have a good night snowflake.” Clint stood. “Oh those blankets are for you, I grabbed them from the storeroom for you since I know Omegas are big on comfort. Feel free to keep them for when you move in.”

He helped Nat up from the bed and the two made their way back to the door. “Thank you Clint, have a good night, you too Tasha.” I smiled at them.

Natasha waved drowsily back. “Night Snow. Sleep well, see you in the morning.”

“Night,” Clint waved back as he closed the door behind him.

I stood and locked the door, picking up the blankets Clint had brought for me and began making a small temporary nest with them so I could get some decent sleep. My nerves were still going haywire at the thought of the three alphas having their eyes constantly on me, I honestly didn’t know how I had made it through the night with the constant heat under my skin at their gaze. I plugged in my phone and finally curled up in the nest of blankets, hopefully tomorrow wouldn’t feel as tense. I watched a few videos on my phone before I ended up falling asleep, thoughts of the three Alphas and their scents following me into my sleep.

Taglist: @crazyunsexycool

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