#mall santa crimes

[thehorrorsoftheblackbunnymask]

Paid Internship (Part 1)(Prison AU)

Author's Note: This is a Prison AU that the viewers of my blog seem to be pretty fond of. The main focuses for the romance parts will differ depending on the part, but for part 1, it's Liu, Jeff, and Toby. The reader is gender neutral and uses She/He stuff, but sometimes depending on what's going on I'll use stuff like Tits. Also, Sully will be in the fic, but I won't use his name. Pay attention to how Liu talks, they will be major differences between his first meeting and his interview.

Author's Note 2: This is definitely one of my longest and most plot heavy fics on my account. I do plan for this to be multi parter, so this part will be heavy on introducing the characters. This part will have some yandere moments, but they will be mostly prominent in part two. If you wanna be tagged for part two, leave a comment, or reblog.

Summary: Welcome to your paid internship at Roosevelt Federal Prison. After being seen for your potential and skills by your instructor at the Academy, he decided to give you opportunity of working in the US' most dangerous prison despite the disapproval and rejection from the higher ups. However, due to miscommunication and faulty paperwork, you're gonna up working with some of America's most danger serial killers for the semester.

Warnings: Descriptions of crimes, Rape Mentioned, Perversion, Manipulation, Gaslighting, Gore, Sadism, Violence, Implied Nudity, Kidnapping, Implied Abuse, Hostages, Death, Murder, Threats, Mood Swings, Sexual Abuse Implied, PTSD, Mental Illness, Dealings, Attempted Murder, Survivor's Guilt,Cursing, Sleep Deprived Workers, Stress, Agression, and More. This AU is not fo the faint of heart.

Word count: 13.5k

Links: {Masterlist} {Prison AU Introduction}

"Hey kid, you ready?"

You were taken out of your train of thought by your instructor and mentor, Officer Joseph Gibbons. Joseph was a man in his 50's, his once hazelnut hair now started to fade into a light grey, he was a man on the heavier side, plump like a mall santa clause, and despite his uniform being quite clean, it was covered in the smell of cigarettes and men's colone.

"...Not really. Are you sure I'm ready for this?" You asked, fiddling with the sleeves of your uniform.

"Ready? Out of the students at the Academy your the most ready for this. Any other Prison just wouldn't do you any good."

"Any go-"

"And we're here!" Joseph exclaimed, cutting you off mid sentence as he walked out.

You took a deep breath before walking out of the car. When you stepped out, you were greeted with heavy rain and loud thunder. As you looked up at the Prison, you felt a sense of fear hit you. It was like something straight out of a horror movie. The Prison was massive, you could probably see it from miles away if not further. Various plants were taking over the brick and metal walls, you could see officers walking around with flashlights, making sure nobody was trying to get in or out, two large guard outpost stood high on each side of the building, each of them blasting a bright light, and a large metal barbwired gate keeping whatever was inside from getting out.

"Joseph!" A voice yelled from the distance, causing the two of you to shoot your heads in the direction of the noise.

Whoever the voice belonged to, they were running towards the two of you pretty fast, waving their arms around like a lunatic.

"Esther, my dear friend. How the kids?" Joseph asked with a smile as he hugged the man.

Now that the man was closer, you got a better look at him. He had short red hair, a face full of a freckles, a small beard slowly starting grow in, and he was definitely younger than your mentor. He was maybe in his late 30's, early to mid 40's. He was in well shape too, his biceps peeking through the gaurd uniform he wore. He had a pistol, taser, and handcuffs strapped to his waist band on the right side of his body, meaning he was most likely right handed.

During your first year at the Academy, you were taught to see every single detail in a suspect or in a scene, no matter how small or big it was, and now you found yourself doing it like it was second nature at this point.

"They're good, they're good. Havent seen them for a while though, I've been stuck here all week! Now, where's this prodigy you've been pushing for?"

"Esther, meet Y/N L/N. Y/N, this is Officer Esther Wibbsy, I met when I first worked here. He's gonna be watching over you during this whole thing."

"Nice to meet ya, L/N," Esther said, sticking his hand out.

You shook his hand with a nervous smile, unconsciously gripping his hand hard in an attempt of letting out your nervousness.

"Dang, nice grip," He said, pulling his hand back.

"Thanks..."

As you pulled your hand back and wipped your sweat on the pants of your uniform, Joseph started to slowly walk back to the car.

"Your shift ends at 10AM tomorrow, you got this, kid! Remember everything I taught you and you'll be fine."

And as Joseph closed the door of the car and drove off, your only hope of backing out left with him.

"Don't worry, you're not going to be working with the actual dangerous ones."

"I'm not?"

"Walk and talk with me, I'll explain everything on the way."

You let out the biggest sigh of relief before following Esther.

"Roosevelt is divided into two sections. The section you're going to be working in is the normal prisoners. They're still extremely dangerous, but they're a lot more manageable then the others."

"The others?"

"The other section is what give Roosevelt it's reputation. You see, Roosevelt doesn't hold only people, we hold monsters, demons, supernatural beings that we didn't even know existed until we caught them. They're in the other section. The goverment put them here because they don't know what to do with them."

"Woah, so, how do you know I won't run into them?"

"That's the thing, I don't really know. To be honest with you, I think the only reason most of them are still here is by their own choice. Most of them are on death row, and if they really wanted to they can leave, especially Ben."

"Ben?"

"Huh? No I was just rambling..."

As the two got closer to the main gate, something caught Esther’s eyes.

"You see that random brick wall," Esther said, pointing to a wall that stood in the middle of the courtyard, starting from the building all the way until it hit the gate. From the angle you were at, you could just barely see a roof.

"Mhm."

"They're behind that wall. That entire half is their section. Most of the officers who work in that part have been trained specifically to work there and nowhere else."

You felt chills go down your spine as you stared at the wall. Something about it gave off a terrible aura.

"Who's staying in that part..."

"Have you heard of Jeffery Woods?"

"Yeah, Jeff the Killer? Slit mouth?"

"Yeah. That guy, is in that part."

"He's real? I thought he was just some urban legend from when I was a kid. His face was everywhere."

"Nope, he's real, and he's in there. Those pictures aren't what he actually looks like though, he's not that ugly. However, people like him are the reason why you're working in my part, it's a lot safer."

And as those words left his mouth, the two of you stood at the gate entrance. You and Esther walked up to the booth where a lady stood there with a tired, blank expression.

"Who's that?" She asked.

"The intern from Gullermary Academy. Joseph's student."

"Oh... Proceed."

Esther nodded as he opened the metal door and allowed you to walk in first. As you walked in, you were greeted with loud screams and banging from all directions.

"You'll get used to that," Esther said as he walked past you. "Wait in my office, I gotta go get your file from the boss." He then pointed to the door that had Officer Wibbsy written on a metal plate. "You can take any of the snacks, get comfortable because this might take a while."

"OK, thank you," You said, smiling.

Esther merely gave you a soft smile before walking off. Once he was out of view, you opened the door to his office and looked around. On his desk, you saw a picture of a woman smiling. She had freckles with long blonde hair. When you picked up the picture, you saw a date at the bottom.

"September 17, 2017," You read.

Was the woman dead? Or was it the date the photo was taken? Either way, it really wasn't your business. As you sat the picture back down, next to it was a picture of Esther with the woman in the photo next to him. The woman was wearing a white gown while Esther wore a suit, and in his arms was a baby girl wearing a little white dress and next to him was a little boy in a suit as well. Looking up, you saw his diploma in Criminal Justice and next to it was his certificate from the academy.

After taking a look, you plopped down on the chair and stared up at the ceiling. You weren't exactly sure what this internship had in store for you. When Joseph brought it up to you last semester, he kept it very vague. He'd often dismiss your questions and cut you off when you pushed it. You weren't suspicious however, since he was always like this when he tought you during your first year.

You wondered on what kind of prisoners you'll meet. Will you meet someone who was falsely accused and now is paying the price? Maybe you'll meet someone who has been in and out of jail and now is here. Due to your young curiosity, your mind just kept on racing with ideas. But suddenly, your phone began to ring.

Looking down, you saw the words "Mom's calling..." on your phone.

"Hello?" You asked.

"Hi sweetie, how are you?'

"I'm alright. I'm just waiting for my observer to come back with my stuff."

"Oh honey, I'm so proud of you! But, be careful, alright? I don't want anything happening to you."

"I will, mom, I will. You know how good I am."

"I know, I just don't want anything happening to my little girl/boy."

"I know. But, how are you doing mom?"

"I'm doing alright. Me and your father plan on taking a trip to Florida in the spring."

"That's great! Enjoying retirement I see," You said in a teasing tone, earning a giggle from your mother.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?! THIS IS NOT WHAT HE SIGNED!" A voice suddenly yelled, overpowering the screams of the inmates.

"What was that?" Your mother asked, worried.

You stayed silent as you tried to listen to what was going on.

"I'll call you back, mom," You said, before hanging up.

You slowly walked out the room and looked down the narrow hallway, holding onto your gun tightly as you did.

"I'm telling you for the last time, this is what Joseph signed, his signature is right here."

"That is not what he fucking told me. I know damn well he's not stupid enough to put some barley experienced 24 year old in a room with this country's most dangerous criminals. As their observer, I can't allow this!"

You felt your heart stop when you heard those words come out from Esther's mouth. Despite your wonky confidence in your abilities, you were far from naive. You were not ready for this.

"Look, I'm just as unhappy about this as you are, Joseph is fucking stupid for signing this, but legally there's nothing we can do."

"I already told them that they were going to be fine, I won't even be able to observe them! Who's going to even teach them shit?!"

"I don't know, Wibbsy, I don't know. I can call Joseph and ask him what he wants up to do, but for tonight, they're working in the Creeps section, whether you like it or not."

Esther pulled at his hair and he looked at his boss with rage.

"If that kid dies because of this, I'm fucking done with this place, you hear me?"

"I hear."

When Esther walked out of the room, he was greeted by your shocked, frozen figure at the end of the hallway.

"You heard it, didn't you?"

"Y-Yeah..."

"Just... Shit... Take this and just, go straight down that hallway, and they'll take you from there."

"Uh...Ok. I'll see you later," You said nervously as you took your file and walked off.

Esther stared at you as you walked off, feeling a sense of guilt and responsibility consume him like water.

"Please don't die..."

The hallway to the other side was extremely narrow and costraphobic, you could feel the walls press up on you as your walked. One thing about the entire journey that disturbed you wasn't the leaking walls or the filthy floors, but it was the silence. Compared to the other section that was booming with noise, the closer you got to the second half, the quieter it got. You could only hear little whispers from behind the walls, but they were so quiet that you couldn't make out a word. The hallway was dark, dirty, and wet. You assumed that the rain from the storm has leaked through the walls and onto you. You could see roaches and even saw a rat run past you. You wanted to throw up. It was as if this place was abandoned.

When you got to the end of the hall, there was large metal door. There was no card scanner, or even a person standing in a booth.

"Hello? Hello?" You said, knocking on the door.

Suddenly, the door creaked open, and a short lady started at you with wide eyes.

You could only see the woman's head, but she looked as if she was held hostage for years. Her eyes were wide, as if she had been traumatized, her hair was a mess, her officer cap was barely covering her head, and her face seemed to be bruised.

"...Name..." The woman said, staring into your eyes.

"Y/N L/N. I'm the intern."

And before you could blink, you were grabbed and forced into the horrors that awaited you.

The lobby section was bright and white, similar to a hospital. However, there was no cameras, or an officer sitting behind the glass with a computer.

There was a metal door that stood in front of you, keeping from whatever was on the other side from getting out. Ingraved into the door were the words "Inmate Quaters."

"Let me see your file," The woman said shakily, taking the file from your hands.

"Um, are you OK, ma'am?"

"Me? Oh...I'm alright, I didn't get the worse of it."

"WE NEED SECURITY PERSONAL IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT, BEN'S CELL 001 IMMEDIATELY, I REPEAT, WE NEED SECURITY PERSONAL IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT, BEN'S CELL 001 IMMEDIATELY!" The woman's walkie blasted as she read your file.

Suddenly, a large group of men ran past the two of you, carrying guns and covered in riot gear.

"Um...Ma'am?"

"Hm?" The woman responded, not taking her eyes off your file.

"Who's Ben?"

"If you're not working on his case I can't tell you anything, sorry."

"Oh...Ok."

"Huh...The Woods... Rogers... Otis... Wright... Thomas... This... no, this can't be right. Are they fucking stupid?" The woman asked, looking up at you.

"I don't know, maybe?"

"OK, It's fine, it's fine! Who's on the roster for today... Rogers... Jeffery... Liu... At least you got Liu... Ok, follow me."

The woman walked towards the door that had "Inmate Quaters" written on it, beckoning you to follow her.

"Have you gone through your file?"

"No, I've only been for forty minutes..."

"Here, read it. Read the first three for now, the others you'll be working on at a later date."

Once the lady handed you your file, you started to read through it as the two of you made your way to the cells.

The file was the one of a picture of a man with pale skin, greasy black hair, a slitted mouth, and a crazed smile. He was a picture of his mugshot, eyes bloodshot with a large shit eating grin.

"Jeffery Woods. A man in his early 30s, arrested for multiple accounts of serial Murder, Mutilation, Kidnapping, Torture, Stalking, Vandalism, Arson, Breaking and entering, Parricide, Drug use and rape. He has the reputation of assaulting, mocking, teasing and harassing guards. Jeff is often in solitary confinement, but that doesn't stop him from his usual actions. Has to be kept away from Jane Elizabeth Arkensaw due to them activity starting fights. He is deemed one of the deadliest prisoners in our institution. During your internship, he will be one of the prisoners you'll be interacting to help sharpen your skills. He will by far be one of if not the hardest to interrogate. His case is still under investigation..."

You read the words on the paper with disgust. His smile, so deranged, so sadistic, as if he was talking a school picture, ignoring the lives of those he's ruined or taken.

"Be careful with Jeff, he likes pretty ones," The woman commented as you read.

"Wait, I have a question."

"Ask it."

"Will be looking into their case? Like, will I be doing interviews and looking at evidence?"

"Well, I'm not sure about evidence, their cases are gruesome, and the transcripts of victims' families interviews and the interviews of victims who survived are not pretty... However, I know you will be interviewing some of them, like The Woods and Rogers. Now keep reading, we're most there."

You nodded as you moved Jeff's paper to end and looked at the next one. The image was the one of a man with stitches. He had a blank tired expression in his mugshot, not sad or sadistic, but one of bordem. He had brown hair with bright green eyes, and just like Jeffery, he was pretty pale.

"Liu Woods, also known as Homicidal Liu. A man in early to mid 20s, arrested for Serial murder, stalking, kidnapping, robbery, breaking and entering, assault, and vandalism. Currently serving a a sentence of 50 years but has a chance of parole once he serves 20. Liu is the little brother of Jeffery Woods, and after Jeffery almost murdered him, he developed an alter ego named Sully. Lui is is relatively quiet, observant, possessive and violent. But his violence gets worse when he's Sully. Lui normally doesn't harm guards or prisoners unless provocted, but he has attacked them with no apparent reason on multiple accounts. Liu is one of the prisoners you will be seeing often due to you working mostly in his section of the prison, where most of the pastas are such of Eyeless Jack and Toby. Warning when dealing with Liu, watch your words and actions, DO NOT touch anything of his unless it's a danger to him or others, and don't ask him too much about his past due to it being his biggest trigger in becoming Sully. If you're dealing Sully, be extremely careful, don't make sudden moves and don't anger him. Sully is extremely violent, sadistic but oddly childish. Sully is supposedly a seven year old according to both himself and Liu, so treat him as an extremely dangerous child."

You stared at Liu's image for a few moments after reading the report. Him and Jeff barely looked the related besides in the eye shape and skin color. With mugshots alone, you felt as if your experience with the two brothers will be drastically different.

"Do you have any advice on Liu?" You asked to woman.

"No. He isn't too bad, just really, really quiet. But when he does talk, he's very charming. He's a man of few words."

You nodded in response as you placed Liu's file in the back and looked down at the last one. It was a picture of a man, messy brown hair, the right side of his cheek was missing, revealing his teeth and gums, his eyes held heavy bags as if he hadn't sleep for days, and his neck and hands were covered in bandages. His expression was a pretty tired one, his eyes were droopy as he stared into the camera, some of his hair covering his face as he looked.

"Tobias Erin Rogers. A man in his late 20s arrested for Serial murder, Torture, Vandalism, Arson, Stalking, Patricide, Breaking and Entering, Kidnapping, and suspected of multiple accounts of sexual assault but is yet to be confirmed. Currently sentenced to life in jail with possibility of parole after serving a minimum of 30 years. He suffers a handful of disorders and quite often causes trouble for both staff and other inmates. He struggled with controlling his emotions and his impulsive behavior which often leads to himself, inmates and staff to be harmed. Despite this, you will be interacting with him during your internship due to him being able to get a long with staff for a short period of time if he finds them "hot." Warnings, don't get too attached, don't believe most of the things he says, don't give or take anything from him, and don't let his suffering fool you. He has a history of using his suffering against others and actually led to him escaping when he was first sent here when he was 19, and they didn't capture him again until last year when he turned 27."

"WE still don't know much about Rogers," The woman said as she stopped walking, causing you to bump into her.

"Oh, sorry," You said, backing away to give her some space. "But, why is that?"

"He hasn't told us jack shit. He hasn't told us about his motives or his past, the only things we know is the murders he's rambled about in past interviews. Since you two are pretty close in age, maybe you got a better shot then we do," The woman responded, opening the door that led to the door of the inmates quarters.

When the woman opened the metal door, there was a massive wall of metal and glass. It was a look in to see the inmates, and luckily it was a one way mirror.

"This is where the inmates sleep and spend most of their time. They don't leave this area unless they're sent to solitary confinement."

As you looked through the glass, you saw two men sitting next to each other against the wall, and above them on the second floor were two women talking.

"The two men on the bottom are Timothy Wright and Brian Thomas. You won't be meeting them for a while, but they're on your roster."

"How bad are they?"

"Depends on who you're asking."

"And above them is Jane Elizabeth Arkensaw and Natalie Outlette. Jane is definitely one of the most well behaved inmates we have here, hell, she shouldn't even be here..."

The woman continued to explain the operations and how things functioned in the Prison.

"Inmates eat breakfast at 4AM, and they don't eat again until 11:30 for lunch. After breakfast, they have freetime to do whatever they please, they don't get jobs or specialties like the other inmates. We tend to leave them to their devices under close observation."

You took a look into the inmate quarters and noticed that the man with short black hair was staring directly at you. He held a blank expression as he stared through your soul. You felt your blood run cold as he stared you down with his cold, emotionless eyes. You saw the man next to him look at him with amusement before telling him something, which cause the man to take his eyes off you and look at the other man with rage. You watched as the man yelled at him, but due to the noise canceling effects the room you were in had, you only saw the movements and gestures, no actual words.

"Ma'am, are you sure they can't see us?" You asked as you slowly turned your head away from the scene.

"Positive. Why must you ask?" The woman asked as she walked towards a door that read Officer Sarah Mandel.

"The man with the sideburns was just staring at me," You said, pointing to the man.

"Oh...Wright. he does that from time to time, ignore it."

"Uhhh, ok," You responded as you slowly turned your head away from the man named Wright.

"What time is it?" The woman asked.

"6:30 PM, why?"

"In 15 minutes you'll be interviewing Jeffery Woods," The woman said as she began to walk into a room.

When you were about to follow her, she walked back out with a piece of paper in her hands. She then rubbed her eyed tiredly before handing you the paper with a yawn.

"You ok, ma'am?"

"Yeah...Just tired, I've been working 18 hours and I don't go home till 10. Now, ask Jeff the questions on this paper, don't go off script. If he tries, redirect him, don’t give him a chance to get off topic. Now, he says some pretty perverted and weird things, ignore it and you'll be fine. An officer will be waiting outside the door, and there's a button under the table to notify him to come in. There will also be another officer with you in the room since this is your first time. Got all that?"

"Yep! So uh, where the place I'll be interviewing him?"

"Follow."

You and the woman then walked deeper into the area you in, going past the inmates quarters and going through a door that read 'Interigation Roon, Level 4 and up.'

As the two of you walked, you decided to read some of the questions on the paper. Most of the questions were ones you've seen at the Academy. Stuff like, 'Why did you do what you did?' And 'Did you know your victims?' And so on and so forth. Some of the questions were more detailed though. One in particular asked 'At the scene of one of your crimes, we found a dog next to a door that was locked. When we tried going through the door, it killed two of our best officers. What was behind that door, and who was that dog?'

You remember when you were younger, this image of a dog with a crazed smile was circling around. Some said it was cursed, others said it was some urban legend. But, you picture the image in your head, and you look down at Jeffrey's wanted photo, you couldn't feel like that was connected to him somehow.

"Alright, you'll be in room 899 for all of your interviews, keep that in mind. Now, they'll be here in 5 minutes with Jeffery, you ready?"

"Yeah, I think so," You said as your hands and legs shook with nervousness.

The woman let out a light chuckle before putting her hand on your shoulder with a smile.

"You're gonna be ok, kid. It's you first day, and you're already working with some dangerous people, but it comes with the job. You'll get it no time."

"Thanks, I appreciate it," You said as you took a deep breath and walked into the room.

The room was small with bright lights, two cameras on each side of the room, clean white walls, and a table with a chair on each side in the middle.

You sat down on the chair facing the door and pulled at your uniform to fix any wrinkles or badges that were out of place. You opened the folder and took out Jeffery's paper before placing the folder under your chair.

"It's ok, Y/N. He isn't going to do anything," You said to yourself as you looked down at the papers.

Suddenly, you began to hear footsteps and the sound of chains walking towards you.

And then, the door opened, and you were greeted with a sight that gave you chills.

A man, so tall that could barely fit through the doorway. His hair was long and greasy, covering his face as he looked down lifeless. He was pretty skinny too, that inmate uniform he wore being quite baggy on him. Covering him were chains, his hands were cuff and his ankles were chains together as well. You couldn't see his face, but you could see his eyes. His eyes were bloodshot and wide, staring at you with insanity and rage.

You did your best to keep your stone cold expression, but you couldn't hide the deed of sweat that rolled down your brow as he got closer to you.

The two officers that brought him forced him down of the seat before tying him to the chair tightly.

"That's a bit much, don't you think?" Jeffery said, turning his head to look at the male officer. He had a massive grin on his face as he asked the question in a joking manner.

"No," The male officer said coldly before walking in the corner.

The female officer looked at you with a nod before walking out and closing the door behind her.

Now, in the first semester of your second year at the Academy, it was mostly focused on interagation and the art of the mind. You were told to remain calm and composed at all times, but don't be too serious as well.

Joseph said people are less likely to comfortable and truthful when you make yourself appear as stone cold serious or far too casual. He said to find a balance, make them feel comfortable, maybe joke once or twice, but make them aware that this is serious.

"So, how are you doing, Jeffery?"

Jeff then shot up and slowly turned his head to look at you. His face was neutral, but the nasty scarred smile on his face did give you goosebumps.

"Jeffery... I haven't been called that in a while."

"What are you called then?"

"Jeff."

"Well, Jeff, how are you doing?"

"Shitty. I've been stuck in solitary all fucking month!"

"I'm sorry to hear that."

When you going the ask why, you remembered that the woman told you not to go off script. You took a glance at the officer in the corner before peeping down at the paper.

"So, Jeff, you've been charged with a books worth of crimes, and you've been on death row since December 25, 2014. We've had you in this place for a few years now, but you still haven't told us why you did it."

Jeff stared at you before scoffing and rolling his eyes.

"Same old question! How many times do I have to tell you fucking people. It was fun! Stalked a few people, kidnapped some, fucked the pretty ones, and at the end of the day all of them would be fucking dead," Jeff said with a grin, his eyes slowly starting to move down to your tits.

"Hey! Eyes up here," You demanded, snapping your fingers to get his attention to your face. "I'm here for answers, Jeff, not to be your eye candy."

"Awwww," Jeff moaned, giving you a pout.

"So..." You said, looking through his file. Jeff looked at you boredly as he yawned and leaned back into his chair. In the corner of your eye, you saw the police officer in the corner give Jeff a glare.

"A girl...oh. A girl went missing right before your arrest, her name was Abbie Grace, 21 year old college student. We haven't found her since and evidence is pointing towards you. Does the name ring any bells?"

"Abbie...? Nope! Not at all," Jeff answered, a strange optimistic tone laying in his voice.

After those words left his mouth, you pulled out a picture of Abbie. She had long pink and blue hair with pale skin and bright blue eyes. Her face was covered in freckles and her eyes had a shine to them. She seemed friendly and kind, her bright smile showing off her dimples and crooked teeth.

"Does she look familiar?"

Jeff leaned forward and looked at the photo. He paused for a few moments before realization hit him.

"Oh! Candy Head."

"So you do recognize her?"

"Yeah."

"What happened to her?"

"Heh, I don't know. I was told to kidnap her, not kill her."

The word told caught your attention immediately, and it seemed to catch the other officer's attention too. Nothing in his file said anything about a boss, it was said that he worked alone, a solo act.

"Told? By who?"

"Eh, I don't feel like telling."

"Jeff."

"What? Suck my dick first and maybe I'd tell you."

"You're not getting anything out of him, rookie," The other officer said, letting out a sigh.

"Well, what'd you do with her while she was with you?"

"Hmmm, well, She was definitely an ugly crier. She would always cry and cry, the bitch even tried to kill me with a butter knife," Jeff answered before laughing at the girl's attempts to escape.

"Hm. Do you remember you remember the last thing you did to her?"

"She did have a pretty face, and a fat ass," Jeff said before his eyes glazed over with lust as he reminisced. An errie smile continued to grow on his face as he contiued his thought. "She was the whole package, and I wasn't going to ler a girl like that go out easy."

You knew what he meant, his file didn't lie one bit, the guy was a fucking sadist.

"After fucking the bitches brains out, I gave the her to Toby."

"...Toby? Is he your partner?"

"Partner? You're funny! As if I'd work with that retard. if you wanna know what happened to her, ask him."

"You are aware that makes you an accomplice?"

"Like I care."

"And you do know that can make your stay here a lot longer, post poning your death sentence to look into your case further."

"If looking at your body means staying here, I'll stay."

"Well, I guess that's where our talk ends for today."

You then stood up and walked out of the room, leaving the officer with Jeff. As you walked off, Jeff stared at your ass, feeling a grin creep onto his face before the officer pulled him out from his seat.

As you walked out, you saw the lady from earlier waiting for you, drinking a red bull as she leaned against the wall.

"How'd it go?"

"Better than I thought... But he's, weird."

"Weird as in perverted? Yeah, we know. What'd he tell?"

"Well, I asked him about Abbie Grace, the 21 year old, and apparently he didn't kill her."

"Really? What did he do?"

"Well... He kidnapped her, raped her, not sure how many times though, and then gave her to a guy named Toby."

"Has to be our Toby," The woman mumbled before taking another sip of her red bull. "Did you ask him anything else?"

"No, just getting those answers were difficult."

"Pity."

RING!

"ALL PERSONNEL, PLEASE REPORT TO THE CAFETERIA FOR DINNER!"

"Welp that's us, let me tell you how this is gonna go," The woman said as she pushed herself off the wall and began to walk.

"The most dangerous and chaotic parts of the day is Lunch, Breakfast, and Dinner. All the pastas normally stick to their groups or by themselves, but during these parts of the day they're all trapped together like sardines. Fights breakout, stealing, and just too much shit goes on. When you're assigned your spot, stay there. If any of them try to get a reaction out of you or try to bother you, don't react. They're not your average criminals, and since they've never seen you before, that's definitely gonna happen today. Stand strong, stay quiet, and observe. Cops like us are merely meang to supervise them, not stop them, that's what Security is for."

"So, is that all I gotta worry about mainly?"

"For right now, yes. And don't leave the cafeteria until lunch is over. Some of them like to sneak out, and let's just say cops who wondered off, weren't found the same way they left. May that be mentally, or physically."

"Oh... So, stay in post, stay quiet, and don't leave."

"Yep, you pick up fast."

"Thank you, Officer...?"

"Mandel. I guess I never told you name, my apologies," Officer Mandel said before taking a another sip of her red bull, "Its been a long day."

‐---------‐-------------------------------------------------------

The moment the two of you walked into the cafeteria, you were met with a loud wave of noise.

"Shit, is it always this loud?" You asked Officer Mandel, who nodded her head in response.

The two of you then walked over to one of the security guards.

"Jesus! You look like awful, Sarah," The guard said with concern.

"I know right. Newbie needs their post."

"Oh, you see that guy over there," The guard said, pointing to a guy with stitches in the corners of his mouth.

"Yeah."

"You're posted in the front of the door behind him."

Looking at the man closer, your eyes widened with realization.

"Is that-"

"Liu Woods? Yeah, good luck," The guard responded before Officer Mandel slapped the back of his head.

"He's not that bad, don't listen to him."

Nodding in response, you took a deep breath as you walked towards the door.

All the inmates were divided into their respective groups. The two men you saw from earlier were sitting at their own table, but a man with part of his cheek removed was sitting with them as well, arguing with the one known as Tim.

"For the hundredth time, it's not my fault the bitch ran away!"

"You sure? Cause last time I checked, she was you last."

"*FUCK YOU* Whatever, Tim. The bitch most likely dead anyway."

You made sure to note that in your head for later. Tobias Erin Rogers, he was listed on your roster, and based on Jeff's info, you'll be meeting him very soon.

When you passed Liu to get to the door, you felt the atmosphere shift. It hit you like a truck, your heart raced as you took at glance at him.

His skin was so pale that he could've been considered sick. Since Jeff was paler than him, you just though it was family trait. But, the stitches on his face and hands made you think otherwise. In his file, it did mention that Jeff tried to kill him. An injury from the incident was mostly likely the cause for his apperance, but you kept your theories to yourself.

Much to you surprise, dinner went by pretty smoothly. But, you couldn't help but grow curious on why so many guards were coming in and out of the cafeteria. You knew better than to let your curiosity take over, but through dinner it became harder to fight.

"Something bothering you?"

Flinching at the voice, you looked down towards Liu, he was looking at you with a tilted head.

"What? Of course not."

"You sure? I ain't telling nobody," Liu persisted as he fully turned his body towards you.

You knew better than to respond, much to Liu's dissapointment.

"You interviewed my brother eariler, right?"

"Who's asking?'' You asked saracastically as you avoided eye contact.

"Me, who else?" Liu answered bluntly, a slight bit of attitude hidden in his tone.

"I don't know."

There was a moment of silence as Liu followed your eyes, realizing that you were looking at the cafeteria doors.

"The doors, huh?" Liu whispered to himself as a grin grew on his face. "You know, past those cafeteria doors is Solitary."

"Ok, why would I care?"

"Why would I care," Liu mocked.

"Jesus, just like his brother..." You thought as you rolled your eyes in annoyance.

"Hey, can you do me a favor?"

"No."

"It might benefit you," Liu said in teasing manner.

You didn't say a word, but you did raise an eyebrow with interest.

"Jeff stole shit from my cell before he got sent to solitary. You convince him to give me my shit back, and I tell you what I know about Candy Head."

"Candy Head?" You asked confused before realization hit you. "You have something to do with Abbie Grace's case?"

"Nah uh, uh, uh, get me my stuff back first," Liu answered bluntly, sending you a glare.

Something wasn't adding up. Jeff told you that he gave Abbie to Toby, but how did Liu fit into any of this? Maybe her disappearance isn't as cut and dry as you thought.

Looking around, you let out a sigh.

"I'll think about it."

Liu nodded his head in understanding before turning back around.

"Wait. How'd you know I'm on her case?"

"Stuff. First."

Letting out a groan, you lightly flinched as a loud ring echoed across the room.

"DINNER'S OVER! BACK TO YOUR CELLS!"

As the inmates got rallied up, Officer Mandel walked up next to you.

"So, how'd it go?"

"I don't know what that file said, but Liu is anything but charming. It was like I was dealing with Jeff all over again, just without the pervsion."

"You sure it was Liu?"

"Hm? What you mean?"

"You'll see. Now, the inmates are getting brought back to their cells, but our job isn't over just yet," Mandel said before beckoning you to follow her. "You'll be interviewing Toby in an hour or two, until then, I need you to look over the testimonals of their previous victims who survived."

"Their?"

"You said Jeff didn't kill her, right?"

"Right."

"So, there's the chance that Toby did. Toby didn't work alone, he worked with those two guys we saw earlier. I want you to get familar with their methods, and I want you to understand this very clearly," Mandel said before stopping in her tracks. "These people are dangerous, they will hurt you if given the chance. After today, you're not gonna have another officer in the room with you. I best not find out that you got hurt because you wanted to be fucking stupid."

Placing a hand on your shoulder, Mandel looked at you with a look you couldn't decscribe. "You're young, and you got so many years ahead of you, so listen to my advice. Listen to the files, and don't ever, I mean ever, go into solitary. I saw you looking at it earlier so I'm shutting the idea down now."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Wonderful. Now, while you were interviewing Jeff, I decided to hand pick the evidence and testimonials that mostly involved Toby. You're not going to meet Brian and Tim for a while, so don't worry about them."

Nodding your head, you looked at the door labeled "Intern 1."

"Oh, and heads up. The voice recordings are really dark, so, good luck," Mandel whispered to you before patting your back. "I'll get you when Toby's ready."

"Ok."

As Mandel left you alone, you took a deep breath as you opened the door.

The room was bright and clean, a decently sized desk placed in front of you with a computer on it, but it was also covered in various files. In the corner was an old box TV with a VHS and CD player, with a chair placed in front of it.

The room wasn't bad by any means, but it gave you an odd vibe.

Taking a seat at the desk, you decided to look at the different files.

Most of them were detailed descriptions of various crimes scenes related to Toby or the proxies in general, but under all the files was a VHS labeled "Elizabeth Todd's Testimony."

Since you didn't want to spend lord knows how long reading papers, you stood up from your seat and made your way to the TV, placing the VHS into the player before taking a seat infront of the TV. The TV took a while to process the cassete, but once it did, a woman appeared on the screen, the date April 26th, 2008 resting in the top right hand corner.

The girl looked about 19, dark skinned with big curls rounding around her face, fairly skinny but you weren't exactly sure due to her hoodie covering most of her frame, but the thing that you took notice of the most was her eyes. They lacked any sort of life, giving you an uneasy feel as she stared past the camera, implying that someone was in front of her.

"Your testimony will be recorded and kept for evidence, would you like to remain anonymous? If not, please state your name," A light voice said behind the camera.

Pausing for a few moments, the girl looked down to her hands before looking back up to the officer infront of her.

"My name is Elizabeth Todd," The girl started, her voice meek and low as she spoke.

"Would you mind telling us what happened on the day of the incident?"

"...It was my freshman year of college. I didn't know anyone, but I made some friends within the first semester."

Leaning back into your chair, you took notice of Elizabeth's body language. She fidgeted with her hands as she spoke, and always kept her gaze down, rarely looking up at the officers. She appeared nervous. You decided to keep note of that as she continued to speak.

"When spring break came around, me, Lilian, Austin, and Kevin decided to take a camping trip in tye woods near our campus. We took a bunch during the fall so we were pretty familiar with the area. But, when it came to us planning the trip, I always felt like something was going to go wrong..."

Elizabeth's voice cracked as she spoke, causing her to swallow her spit as she shook her hands, trying to keep her composure.

"Nobody listened though, saying I was paranoid even though we went there countless times before. So, we went anyway. Kev and Lilian were setting up a fire while me and Austin were setting up tents. Austin and I were dating at the time, so when Lilian and Kev weren't looking, we wondered off."

Snapping her fingers, Elizabeth continued.

"Austin and I were making out against a tree not too far from our campsite, fucking in the woods was on our spring break bucket list after all. But, before we could do anything I felt my heart drop. You know that feeling when you know something is wrong but you just don't know what?"

"Yes, I've felt it countless times while on patrols," The officer responded, which helped in calming Elizabeth's nerves.

"Well, I got that feeling. We stopped and looked around but nothing was there. But, it was really quiet, no crickets, no owls, just silence..."

Elizabeth paused, pulling at her sleeves as spoke, her eyes starting to water. "It all happened so fast..."

"It's ok, your words will help us in bring your friends justice," The officer said softly, placing a hand on Elizabeth's.

"Next thing I knew I was running. Austi's blood was all over me, but I don't remember what happened. Once I got back to the campsite, Kev and Lilian were roasting marshmallows at the fire..."

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Done fucking, yet?" Lilian teased as she placed her marshmallow on her cracker, turning around with a cheeky grin.

But, that grin quickly fell as her eyes fell on Elizabeth, wearing only a T shirt as blood stained her body.

"What happened...?" Kevin asked, eyes wide.

"He's gone...," Elizabeth responded, looking down at her blood stained hands before looking back up at the two. "We gotta leave. Now."

Without asking anymore questions, Kevin grabbed the keys to the car as Lilian helped Elizabeth stand.

"Are you hurt?" Lilian asked as she walked with Elizabeth.

"He's gone, Lily...He's gone."

"I know, I know."

"Lily, call the cops, tell them what's happening!" Kevin said as he led the group, flashing his flashlight at any sudden noise.

"Once we get to the car," Lily said.

But, Lilian and Elizabeth watched as Kevin's flashlight fell to the floor, being followed with the sound of a loud thump.

Lying infront of them was Kevin's body, a hatchet cutting through the middle of his head as he stared at the two.

"No no no no no no no," Lilian mumbled as she gripped on Elizabeth, backing up slowly as she did.

"BULLSEYE!" A cheerful voice yelled.

Stepping out from the bushes, a man with bright orange goggles appeared in the light, taking the hatchet out of Kevin's skull as he admired his work.

"Big guy aren't *KOO KOO* ya? No *SUCKY* wonder you were so easy to hit," The man stuttered out, his head twitching from side to side as he joked, the loud cracking of his neck echoing throughout the forest.

Frozen in shock, Elizabeth looked towards Lilian, who was just as frozen as she was.

"Damn... You two sure *WOW* are pretty," The man spoke, turning his attention towards the two girls. "I've never *SHOO* had a girlfriend before," The man continued before his gaze darkened, his body language becoming more hostile as he took out his other hatchet. "Mind giving me a chance?~"

Without wasting a moment, Lilian grabbed Elizabeth's hand before running off, causing the man to chase after them.

"We gonna split up," Lilian said.

"Huh?"

"It's better if at least one of us survives. You go left, I go right. We're going to have to get Kev's keys and phone."

"No, no please."

"It's fine, if I don't come back, leave without me. Now go!"

Lilian quickly ran to the right, jumping over a few bushes in the process. Hesitating, Elizabeth stumbled over a few branches as she ran the left, separating the two.

"Jeez, are they *KOO KOO* really that stupid?" Toby mumbled, tapping his chin with his hatchet as he looked both ways. "Tits or thighs...tits or thighs... Tits," Toby declared, looking to the right.

Running through the woods, Elizabeth saw the light from Kevin's flashlight in the distance. Picking up speed, Elizabeth felt her heart drop as Lilian's screams echoed throughout the woods, causing bird to fly up from their nest as it echoed.

"Lily," Elizabeth mumbled, staring in the direction of where Lily ran. "No. Get the keys, get the keys."

Standing over Kevin's body, Elizabeth felt nausea fill up her body as she examined his features. His once bright brown eyes now laid dull, staring at Elizabeth as his mouth laid open. Searching his pockets, Elizabeth felt a chill go down her spine as she caught a feel of his skin, painfully cold.

"I'm sorry Kev, I'm sorry," Elizabeth repeated as she pulled Kevin's keys and phone from his pocket. "I'm so sorry."

Standing up, Elizabeth decided not to take the flashlight, not wanting to risk being seen by the man who was chasing them.

Saying one last goodbye to her friend, Elizabeth ran in the direction of where their car was parked. But, as she ran, she could hear the sound of twigs being snapped.

The sounds came in short but consistent burst. He was following her, mocking her.

"I can see you~" Toby teased, letting out a chuckle as he watched Elizabeth stop for a moment.

Brian would always scold Toby for wasting time on victims, saying that too much time on one could lead to another escaping. But, Toby never listened. Having been a proxy for only a few months, the bosses were starting to grow quite fond of him, much to Tim's dismay.

But, this task was different. This was his first solo mission, and a surprisingly easy one too. Stalk the campers, kill them, dispose of their bodies, and go back to the cabin, easy, right? Well, maybe he should've listened to Brian's advice.

The moment Toby spoke, Elizabeth booked it, running much faster than she normally did.

"Fuck, *LOOKIE* she's fast,"Toby mumbled, chasing after her.

Reaching the car Elizabeth shakily pulled the keys out from her pocket, attempting to open the car door as Toby gained on her.

"Please-please-please, God please!" Elizabeth begged.

As the door opened, Elizabeth quickly jumped in, slamming the key into the holder as the car started up.

But, just before she could slam on the gas, a hatchet was flown as her window, causing glass to shatter on her. Luckily, the hatchet didn't touch her, her dodging just in time for it to land on the seat next to her.

Looking up in horror, Elizabeth watched as Toby appeared from the woods, out of breath as he came into frame. But, in his hand was Lilian, blood dripping from her body as Toby held her by her hair.

"Lilian...," Elizabeth mumbled.

Toby then tilted his head as he lifted Lilian's arm, waving it side to side with a sadistic grin.

She wasn't dead, not yet at least. Her chest was rising and falling slowly as Toby forced her to wave. But, blood was covering her face and neck, coming from the top of her head where Toby banged the handle of his hatchet into.

Staring at the two, Elizabeth came back to reality as quickly as she fazed out of it, slamming on the gas.

As she drove, in the corner of her eye she saw a piece of paper tied to the hatchet. Taking a look, she felt her blood run cold.

"If you survive, don't tell anyone what you saw. You'll see what happens if you :)"

She should tell the police? Lilian was still alive when she left, sure there was blood all over her, but maybe if she called the cops she could make it. Or was it too late?

Looking at Kev's phone, Elizabeth made her choice.

"911, what's your emergency?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Elizabeth? Elizabeth? Fuck, fuck," The officer said as Elizabeth's head slammed into the table, not responding for five minutes before her head fell.

"JOHN, GET A MEDIC!"

The interview stopped there, but the tape continued.

"Elizabeth experienced a seizure during her interview, dying shortly after. But, evidence at the crime scene helped is in determining a series of events," You read as words appeared on the TV. "The bodies of Kevin Howard and Austin Brown were found. Kevin was found with a gash in his head while Austin was found with his head cut clean off. Lilian Smith's body has yet to be found at the time of this recording."

Then, the video finished.

The interview didn't tell you much about Toby's personality, but it did give you a glimce into his cruelty. You decided to use this case as a baseline for the other files you would be looking into, wanting to find common patterns in his crimes and how he picked his victims.

Standing up, you took a deep breath, mentally preparing yourself for the deep dive you were about the take.

After an hour and thirty minutes, you were able to figure out common themes in Toby's crimes, and in two, you were able to get a solid idea on his behavior and personality.

You filled up three pages in your notebook with notes on Toby.

It seems that the proxies in general were very diverse in their victims, some of them being normal civilians while others could be big shot politicians or businesses owners. Toby in particular seemed to mostly target people in their early to late 20s, and most of them were normal civilians or low profiled criminals.

When it came to his behavior, a common theme was that many of Toby's male victims had much more brutal deaths than the women. Women's bodies were often found with a hatchet in the back of the head, or a gash in the side, but their deaths were often simple and quick. The men on the other hand were always found in almost unrecognizable ways. One body was found with his chest completely torn open, his intestines wrapped around his throat and blood smothered all over his face, a truly horrifying site.

The deaths in which his victims would have slowly started to give you ideas. It seems that Toby has some sort of vendetta against men, or more specifically, men with blonde hair. Men with blonde hair were often the ones found in unrecognizable ways. This was something that you would definitely do more digging on and try to get an answer when you're interviewing Toby. Now, you wouldn't say Toby has a soft spot for women, that clearly wasn't the case the more you looked into his behavior, but he did appear to be a lot more merciful and playful when it came to their deaths. Well, maybe not all of them.

You recall that in Toby's file that he would be more complient with people he found hot. Well, in a few cases, there had been women found days or even weeks after incidents. All of which were found dead and in horrible condition, implying that they were kept with him for a while. Maybe that was the case with Lilian.

Now, when it comes to Toby's personality, it's obvious he's mentally unstable. And his mood swings seem to be very self destructive. Often thrown into periods of mental exhaustion where he becomes a blank slate, too mentally out of it to bother with reality.

Despite being in his late 20's, it's been reported that he can be surprisingly teen like when it comes to his interest and some of his behaviors. In past interviews, he's expressed his love for sappy rom coms, and interest often seen in teenagers. It was something that you took interest in, and you decided to figure out if it was just how he is, or if there was a deeper issue at play here.

"Y/N," Mandel said as she opened the door, cutting you out of your train of thought.

"Yes Ma'am?" You responded, looking up from your notes.

"Toby's ready."

Nodding your head, you stood up from your seat and followed Mandel as she led you to the interview room.

"Figure anything out?" Mandel asked.

"A lot, actually. Figured out common patterns in crimes, and some stuff I would like ask hin about."

"Like what?"

"He seems to be much more aggressive men, blonde men to be more specific."

"Hmmm."

"May I ask you something?"

"Ask away," Mandel responded, opening another can of red bull.

"Do you know what happened to Lilian Smith?"

Mandel froze in place, causing you stop with her.

"Ma'am?" You said shakily, looking at Mandel with worry.

"I was on that case... Remember it well..."

"What happen?"

"A week after Elizabeth died, we found her body in a cabin nine miles into the forest... Her head was split in two, going into her neck," Mandel said, her voice shaking as she took another sip of her red bull. "She's the reason why we're trying to charge Toby with sexual assault, the way she was found..."

"Oh... I'm sorry for bringing it up, Ma'am..."

"No, no. It's alright, it's been nearly a decade. If we can officially charge him with it, the judge will be more willing to put him on death row."

Sighing in relief, you watched as Mandel stood up straight and continued to walk.

"I want to remind you, these guys are monsters. Be careful with Toby, he's a lot more unpredictable than Jeff. He might meek today, but tomorrow he could be wild."

"Advice taken."

"Anything else you figure out?"

"He doesn't seem to have a specific preference for victims, only a preference in death styles. I do find his treatment of women kind of interesting though."

"Why you say that?"

"Oftenly, his killings with them tend be more merciful, but, there's multiple times where they've been on the more gruesome side of things. You think I should ask him about it."

"I don't see why not, but don't ask him up front, a lot of the inmates are stubborn and aren't going to give you any favors."

Next thing you knew, you were in the hallway meant for interrogations. You weren't sure why, but the vibe was completely different than last time you were in the area.

"Room 111 is Toby's. Remember what I told you."

"Yes ma'am."

"Oh, also. After Toby, you're gonna be on your own for the rest of your shift. I'll check up on your every now and again, but that's about it."

"What? What am I supposed to do?"

"Look into your other inmates cases. You still Tim, Brian, Ben, Jeff, and Liu to look into. If you stay in your office, you'll be fine."

"...Ok."

Nodding your head, Mandel turned the corner, leaving you alone in the silent hallway.

"111...111...there."

Opening the door, the room was no different than the last one you were in. Table in the middle, a chair on each side, bright lights, nothing new. One thing you did notice was that this part of the prison didn't have any cameras, or computers. You thought it was just the hallways, but it didn't make sense on why they wouldn't be present in an interrogation room.

Taking a seat, you pull out your notebook, looking over the various notes you made. You considered asking questions, but then you remembered what Mandel said.

"Ask them the questions on the paper, nothing else."

You couldn't deny the sketchiness of it all. Yes, you understood why they'd be so strict with who they let in and what they'd ask, they are harboring America's most notorious serial killers after all, but some of the questions didn't even matter. Trying to gain trust is one thing, but asking complete bullshit is something completely different.

"Why did you do it? Stubborn my ass, he would never answer that," You mumbled, reading each question on the paper. "What do you like to do? What does that have to do with anything?"

But, you quickly fell silent as the sound of footsteps echoes in the hallways.

CLICK! CRACK!

The sound of various cracks and clicks could be heard. The cracking of bones made your neck ich, and the sounds of the clicks caused you to grind your teeth together. It didn't help that the sound chains could be heard as well, moving side to side with every click and crack.

Taking a deep breath, your back straightened as the door opened.

Stabding in the door was three figures, two police officers holding onto the man in the middle. The man held a bored expression, his head angled downward as he looked around with his eyes. Much to your suprise, he was much shorter than you thought, maybe around 5'5, 5'6 if you wanted to push it. However, you couldn't help but stare at the injury on his left cheek. Pieces of skin were ripped out, showing his gums and teeth to the world. Not to be rude, but you were kind of glad he wore a muzzle like mask.

When his gaze met up to yours, the two of you made eye contact for a few seconds. Within those seconds, you saw his eyes widen, his eyes softening for just a moment before switching back.

"Cute...," He whispered, tilting his head to the side as a grin slowly formed on his face.

"Quiet," One of the guards said as they sat Toby down, bringing his arms up in order to chain them to the table.

"I wasn't *WOWIE* talking to you," Toby snapped back, rolling his eyes.

"Thank you, I got it from here," You said, earning a nod from the officers as one of them left the room, the other one quickly prompting themselves into the corner. "Hello Toby, I'm sure you know why I'm speaking with you today."

"*CLICK* Yeah."

"So, how have you been feeling recently?"

"Terrible!" Toby exclaimed, an irrated look on his face as he mumbled under his breath.

"Why is that?"

"Hmmm, let me *KOO KOO* think. Oh, maybe because I'm fucking here! Would you be happy and shit if you got caught?"

"I'm not exactly sure."

"Liar."

"I'm no liar, Toby. Now, may I be able to ask you a few questions about your cases?"

"Does it matter?"

"...Uh."

You quickly turned your head to the officer in the corner, who nodded their head in response.

"Uh yes! Yes, it does matter."

"...Fine."

"So. Before you were arrested, did you ever know someone named Abbie Grace?"

"Abbie Grace... Colored hair?"

"Yes."

"Yeah, why?"

"We were informed that you were involved with her disappearance."

"...Snitch. *FUCK* He owes me big time," Toby groaned, leaning back into his chair as he looked up at the ceiling.

"Hey, focus. Can you tell me what happened to her?"

"What if I don't wanna?"

"It's not up for negotiation."

"Aw, look at you toughening up."

"He isn't gonna tell me anything, isn't he?" You thought, doing your best to hide your irration. "Well, Toby. If you don't tell us anything, we can't charge you, but, if, or when, we get evidence on you, you're punishment will be more severe."

As you talked, you noticed a shift in Toby's mood.

"And I'm talking death row, Toby. Death. Row."

"I could get death row right now if I felt like it. Do you honestly think these chains can stop me from bashing your head in? Or from taking his gun and shooting you in that pretty head of yours?"

That was the first time he didn't stutter on a single word. No sudden words, no sudden tics, clear cut.

"You're alive because I'm letting you live," Toby said coldly, his eyes lacking any emotion as he stared into your soul. "Isn't that fun!" Toby suddenly cheered, leaning over as he stared at you wide eyes, a strange amount of joy written on his face.

"...I don't think we have the same definition of fun."

"You're so boring..."

"OK. How about this then."

"Hm?"

"Talk about yourself. What do look for when choosing your victims? How do you treat your weapons? Go crazy."

Both Toby and the officer looked at you in suprise.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Uh... What about *FLOWER* me exactly?"

"What did you like to do when you were a kid?"

"...I was in and *CRACK* out of hospitals a lot... Whenever I was out, I would *LOOKIE LOOKIE* go play in the woods with my sister," Toby said. "I hated being home..."

There were two things you took note of. The fact that Toby has a sister, and that he didn't like being home.

"You have a sister?"

"Had."

"Oh... What was she like?"

"She was the best. *BIRDIE* She'd always take care of me, stop kids from picking *CLICK* on me...and always made sure I was ok."

"She seemed nice."

"The nicest," Toby said, his eyes softening as he dazed off. "What else?"

"How do see this...hobby of yours?"

"It's a job, not a hobby."

"Hm. What do you hate most about it?"

"My *CLICK* co-workers."

"Why's that?"

"Tim is always yelling at me about something. *COOKIE* You fucked up on this mission! You never shut up! Mehmehmehemehmeh! And *SHOOT* Brian is just there! Sometimes he gets on me too, and other times he's on Tim! *TICK TOK* Like hello, pick a side!"

To be honest, you were surprised by Toby's words. Back at the Academy, Gibbons would always remind you that every criminal was human, so they would and behave as one. Even though you were considered very skilled, sometimes you forget this simple fact, that even the smartest or most dangerous of criminals, can crack.

The way Toby described them sounded like a worker talking shit about their boss in an office. Now you couldn't help but wonder how Brian and Tim would describe each other.

"That seems annoying."

"Finally someone gets it!" Toby exclaimed. But, after he spoke those words, you watched as he slowky looked at you, a faint blush forming on his face as he sent you a smile. "You know what, I like you."

You felt a chill go down your spine as you stared at him. Yes he called you cute, but the way he was looking at you, you couldn't help but feel concern.

"Um. OK, anyways... Did you have any favorites?"

"Favorites?"

"Yeah. Whenever you did your job, did you have a set preference that you could follow or no?"

"Hmmmm... I hate open spaces. *WOWIE* The noise, the people, the attention... *FUCK* I hate it."

"That explains the locations. Maybe I can figure out a pattern in Toby's preferences that can give me more clues to Abbie's case."

"I've always liked the woods, especially the campers. They're always to unaware. *CHICKEN* I once killed a guy who was half way through fucking *FUCK* his girlfriend, oh you *CAN'T *should've seen her face when I bashed his brains in!" Toby exclaimed before moving his up into the air and quickly slamming them down into the table, looking you dead in the eyes with a manic expression, "Just like that! She had your exact face!"

Least to say, you were dumbfounded. This guy was energetic, loud, and manic, the way he talked about his murders held so much life, so much passion, so much pride. The joy in his voice almost made you forget that you were talking to a criminal, and a manipulative one too. Despite his tone, you couldn't tell if he was being genuine, or at least what everything he was saying was true. If he fell for your trick, maybe he wasn't as aware as Mandel said.

"Oh...um. Is that all?"

"Maybe, maybe not. I don't wanna talk anymore."

"Wait, we're not done yet, we still have to talk about Abbie."

Toby sent you glare as his body tense up, his once playful energy gone.

"I know you don't care about death row, but, if Jeff gives us more evidence against you, the judge may consider lightening his sentence, while you, will get a more severe one. Maybe not death row, but still worse than Jeff's."

"So you want me to snitch."

"I wouldn't say that. I don't really care who tells me what happened to Abbie, I just wanna know."

Toby stared off to the side, assumingly in thought.

"Getting Candyhead was an order from the boss...She's *OW* the daughter of a powerful business *CRACK* owner that didn't keep his end of the deal with the boss. So, he had Jeff capture her, and then Jeff *POW* gave her to me to keep her *WOW* hostage."

"Wait... She's?" You mumbled. "Toby, is Abbie dead?"

"I don't know who told you she was."

"Wait. If she's alive, then we have to look over everything!"

You turned around the officer in the corner, who was just as surprised as you were.

"Miss, who's the head of the Abbie Grace case?"

"Detective Adrea Banklin."

"Can I meet with her after this?"

"I'll have to see if she's right now."

"Ok. Toby, our interview ends here."

"Ok~"

Standing up from your seat, you quickly made your way out of the room, keeping the door open as another officer ran in.

"Abbie's alive. But, how? She's been missing for over a year, how can she survive that long," You spoke to yourself as you rushed to your office.

As you opened the door to your office, you rushed to your desk, pulling out the Abbie Grace file from your cabinet.

"OK, ok. Calm down, Y/N, calm down. I understand it's your first real case, but stuff like this happens, so calm down," You said softly as you took some deep breaths. "OK, OK. I don't even have all the files on Abbie yet, so what should I do now..."

Then, it hit you.

"Liu."

Looking into the hallways, you, quickly made you way towards the inmates quarters, making sure to hide from other officers.

"Oh my God, what am I doing, what am I doing? Mandel is going to kill me, Gibbons is going to kill me. But, if it's solve the case, it's fine."

The inmate quarters were dark. You could see figures moving around, but since it lights out, the power in the quarters was out.

"How am I even going to get in?"

"Intern."

"AH!"

Turning around, the officer from earlier was behind you, giving you a suspicious look.

"Oh, you scared me."

"What are you doing over here?"

"...Just wanted to look around."

"...mhm. Well, Banklin is here at the moment, but she's preparing to go home. She's willing to speak now, but she won't wait long."

"That's great! Can you take me to her, please?"

The officer merely nodded her head before walking off.

"Liu can wait," You whispered to yourself before following after her.

"She's at the end of the hallway."

"OK, Thank you, officer..."

"Cherry, Officer Cherry."

"Y/N L/N."

"Pleasure. Also, if you're gonna meet with inmates, be more discrete."

"...How did you-"

"Been there, done that. Got caught up in a deal with Ben, was his bitch for months...You learn a thing or two," Officer Cherry said before walking off, leaving you alone.

You quickly made your way to Banklin's office. Opening the door, you saw Banklin placing various files into a bag.

Banklin was a tall woman with long brown hair, she seemed quite put together despite the stressful work environment.

"Detective Banklin?"

"Hm? Oh, you must be the intern."

"Yes, um. I've gotten some important information about the Abbie Grace case."

"From?"

"Toby, ma'am."

"Rogers? That man is a bipolar punk, I don't trust a word that leaves his mouth."

"I cam see why, but he implied that Abbie is still alive."

Banklin froze as she looked up at you, dropping the file in hand.

"Alive?"

"Yes, when he was talking about her, he talked in a present tense, and when I asked if she was actualky dead, Toby said that he never said she was."

"...It does make sense, we never did find her body, " Banklin said, rubbing her chin as she looked at the floor? "But, we've never had a case where one of their victims survived for more than a month."

"I don't know if you've noticed, but Toby has a pattern of keeping women for long periods of time before killing them."

"I've noticed, but in each of those cases, they didn't live past a month on average when we conducted their autopsy."

"So we're just going go let this info go?"

"I'm not saying that, I'm saying it's unreliable. Toby is far from stupid, and he tends to withhold info. He claims that he'll 'never be a snitch'."

"This claim can change this entire case, Miss. Banklin. Even if Toby is lying, what if he isn't? He sounded genuine when he spoke, and if she's alive out there, why should we just wait and see?"

"Listen here. This is your first time working with these Motherfuckers, you don't know anything about them. We asssigned this case to you because it's still on going. If you fuck this up and put this case in jeopardy, you're internship is done. I don't care what Joesph says."

All you could do is stare at Banklin, frozen in place as she closed her bag. You couldn't deny the fact that you often get way over your head, maybe being labeled the best officer in the academy made you a little over confident, but you didn't want to just throw this possibility out of the way. You didn't have a solid conclusion to Toby's true behavior, you still needed a bit more time on that bit, but until then, you were going to trust a few of his words.

"I'm sorry, ma'am."

"Don't bother. Abbie's case is the last case we have regarding Jeffery. Listen to Jeffery's words before Toby's, Jeffery rarely lies to us."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good, now if you excuse me, I have a family to go home to," Banklin said, pushing past you so she opened the door. "Oh, also. Stick to what we assign you. We don't only want you to not fuck anything up, but it's also to protect you. Some of these cases are extremely classified and cannot get released to the public. I hope you understand."

"No, no I do."

"Good, see you in the morning."

Then, she was gone. You didn't even realize that you were holding your breath.

After meeting Banklin, you had come to the conclusion that no one was going to take your theories seriously. But, maybe there was someone who would.

Checking the hallways, you quickly dashed back to the inmate quarters. As you ran, you remembered a lesson that you had with Gibbons.

--------------------------

"Wrong!" Gibbons said for the hundredth time.

"What?! How is that wrong? The suspect obviously lied!" You yelled, pointing down at the paper, "Look, you see the inconsistencies in her statements."

"Y/N, in this field, not everything is simple."

"Yeah, I know that."

"So... Let's look over this paper one last time," Gibbons said as he sat in front of you. "The detective is pushing the suspect. When under stress, people will either do two things. They'll either confess, or make someone hear what they want to hear. With this in mind, what do you think is going on here?"

Looking down at the paper, you did your best to come up with an answer. Before being put under stress, the suspect's story was adding up, but, the moment the detective put them under pressure, their claims fell apart.

"They're telling the detective what they wanna hear?"

"Nope!"

"What?! What do you mean no?"

"Before the suspect was put under pressure, their story was adding up perfectly with the crime, but, the moment they were put under pressure, everything fell apart. This tells you two things. 1, they're not alone. They're most likely being used to take the fall, explaining the perfect line up. And 2, they indirectly confessed that they were innocent."

"You got that from this alone?"

"When you're in this job for as long as I have been, you pick up on things quickly. But, this, situations like this is what makes solving cases so difficult. When you do your internship, I want you to keep this in mind."

"Keep what in mind?"

"If someone is willing to tell you info about a case, take it, especially if it's from a snitch. A snitch is more willing to throw their friends under the bus for than own gain, making them more reliable than a direct source. "

"What if I can't talk to them?"

"Find a way. Roosevelt is Big, many places to hide. Be smart, not crazy."

"So you want me to break the law?"

"If you can make look legal, than yes."

"...You're the worst cop ever."

----------------------------------------------------

"Guess I'm the worse cop ever," You muttered, taking a deep breath as you stood infront of the door separating you from the inmates.

Looking to the right, you noticed a key pad with various numbers and letters.

"Shit... uh, how about, 1 2 3 4 5?"

"WRONG, 6 DIGIT CODE" was written in bold letters.

"Six digits?" You questioned, clenching your eyebrows togethers as you thought. "It can't be something simple, but what if it's so simple that people wouldn't even consider using it?"

Then, it came to you.

"Wait...Roosevelt Federal Prison, Creepypasta Ward? R F P C P W."

CLICK!

"Oh thank god."

Openng the door, you felt the atmosphere shift as you took a step into the room. Due to it being curfew, it was pitch black in the ward, leaving you to rely on the sounds of various voices.

"Shit, why did I do this, why did I do this? If I'm caught in here my internship is done. Can I get arrested for this? Probably. Well, too late now..."

You weren't exactly sure where to look for Liu. You weren't sure if he was on the bottom or top bit, or if he even had a roommate. You knew better than to turn on your flashlight, but, you started to feel the consequences of you actions. Maybe you should get you impulse under control.

Caught up in your thoughts, you failed to notice the figure creeping up behind you. However, you were able to hear the sound of faint breathing.

Whipping your head around, your gun was already in hand, but, the figure grabbed your wrist and covered your mouth, immobilized you.

Adjusting to the dark, you were able to make out a pair of green eyes. You weren't exactly sure if it was Liu, but, the feeling of stitches rubbing against your hand confirmed your suspicions.

"Liu?" You whispered, tightening your grip on your gun.

Liu remained silent as he stared at you.

"What do you want."

It wasn't a question, it was a demand.

"I'm accepting your deal. If I get whatever it is Jeff took from you, you'll tell me what you know about Abbie."

You couldn't see his face, but Liu looked down at you confused. What deal? He did recall slipping in and out of conciouness during lunch, sharing a few words with you before blanking out once more. But, his face quickly turned into annoyance as he imagined Sully interacting with you. The little bastard had to have made a deal with you.

"...Ok," Liu answered blankly, letting go of your wrist.

"What does Jeff have that you want me to get. "

Liu stayed silent for a few moments. What was it that Jeff took this time? One of his guns? Nah, he hates the noise. His bandages? Maybe. So, Liu only shrugged, much to your disappointment.

"If I get you whatever Jeff has, you'll tell me about Abbie, right?"

"...Yeah, yeah, sure."

"Promise?"

"I'm not saying it again," Liu said, sending you a glare.

You quickly shrieked back, nodding your head in understanding before sliding past him.

Feeling around for another key pad, you quickly entered the pass code. Squeezing through the door, you let out the biggest sigh of relief, but you quickly felt that relief be replaced with regret.

"I just made a deal with a fucking inmate," You said, your eyes wide in shock. "What kind of cop am I? Best at the Academy my ass..."

Little did you know, this was only the beginning. The start of your fall from grace.

[genghisthebrain]

i really do relish the idea that, at christmas, wednesday addams goes to the mall to be one of santa's elves. and enid is fully convinced that this is a Really Bad Idea (because wednesday and humans never seem to be a good mix) but somehow her girlfriend manages to acquire an alarming number of children which she just. randomly starts playing with. and enid's just shocked that wednesday seems to have such a knack for it.

until she comes to the discovery that they're playing "candy cocaines" and wednesday's effectively training these children up to their lives of crime. but still. baby steps

[lastoneout]

I love a good taxi/uber/lyft story!

Okay there are three people who stand out as the weirdest drivers I've ever had:

A guy who showed up in the nicest, fanciest car I'd ever seen in my life--like I think it was a Chevy Malibu??--in basically pristine condition aside from the fact that it absolutely REAKED of weed and had a thin blue line bumper sticker on the back, who was also listening to a true crime podcast about a serial killer and then said halfway through the ride, completely unprompted, that he "liked this episode bcs his uncle was a prime suspect in the case". Truly the most fascinating person I've ever met.

An old dude with a huge white beard wearing a bright red sweatshirt + sweatpants combo, who told me he used to work as a mall Santa before spending the entire rest of the drive ranting about how stupid anti-maskers are.

A lady who had a whole-ass bearded dragon hanging out on her shoulder. He had a tiny, home-made neon vest and leash and while I'm not an expert he seemed remarkably chill about the whole thing and stared at me for a bit before falling asleep halfway through the ride. The lady also told me tons of stuff about her other bearded dragon who wasn't with her at the time. I gave her a huge tip.

So yeah using uber/lyft/taxis means you meet a lot of the coolest, weirdest people ever, and tbh it's pretty great lol

(Also honorary mention to the VERY old guy who picked me up once post-eye exam when my eyes were dilated who's gps just straight up was not working and so I had to try to give him directions despite us living in The Sunniest Place On Earth which meant I couldn't see shit. We nearly died I'm pretty sure. It was terrifying but also fun.)

[herehavesomeheadcanons]

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… 9 Family Photos!

Some of these are a little shorter than others... Sorry, I got stressed by the deadline and didn't have a whole lot of inspiration.

Ryuunosuke Akutagawa

🖤‼️Port Mafia family photos? Chaos. This (probably awful) idea was proposed by none other than the head of the PM himself, Mori.

🖤‼️Challenge number one: getting Aku into festive clothing for the picture. He is ridiculously stubborn when it comes to his outfit, and no amount of pleading can get him into anything other than his black coat. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that this is not a challenge you will win.

🖤‼️Challenge number two: getting everyone in the damn picture. The poor photographer is almost in tears by the end with how uncooperative everyone is, also he can’t say anything cause this is the MAFIA and he could be murdered.

🖤‼️Challenge number three: Aku refuses to smile. You also will not win this one, he’s just gonna look like the grumpy emo teenager that every family has.

🖤‼️It's… an interesting photo. And it's definitely going up on your refrigerator!

Mikuni

💛🤠He’s definitely the one that suggested family photos. Misono fought him on it for so long before Lily convinced the angry runt it was a great idea to have Christmas pictures with all the servamps and eves.

💛🤠It's chaos. It's just a whole mess. Kruo doesn't want to be there, Licht is kicking Lawless around Mahiru is TRYING and failing to keep the peace. Mikuni himself is trying to set up the camera, which isn't going well.

💛🤠It takes like, 15 tries to finally get a decent picture because Lily keeps trying to strip for the camera.

💛🤠In hindsight, he really should have just settled for a picture with you and Jeje.

Macbeth

🤍🖤We’re gonna do this with Crime Sorciere because I sincerely doubt that Brain wanted to organize Christmas pictures for the Oracion Seis. Anyway, Jellal wanted Christmas cards to send to Fairy Tail (mostly Erza, let’s be honest). As such, he is slightly obsessive about making this Christmas pictures perfect.

🤍🖤Macbeth is sick and tired of Christmas pictures within five minutes. It’s so boring! He’s gonna fall asleep! Richard and Meredy are honestly the only ones that are ok with this. The others are sick of Jellal’s obsessiveness.

🤍🖤By the time Jellal has gotten everyone where he wants them, Macbeth has indeed fallen asleep on your shoulder. You can gently shake him awake or wait for Jellal to notice and watch the world burn (he won't notice until after the picture is taken).

🤍🖤Jellal ends up with a nice card regardless, and Macbeth gets a nap out of it so it's all good.

Freed Justine

❤️🎄Thunder Legion Christmas photos are a riot, honestly. We’re gonna say this is during Laxus’s banishment because I don’t want to include him.

❤️🎄Freed organizes the entire procedure, and Bickslow makes it his personal mission to mess it up as much as he can. You probably side with Freed on this issue because it’s Christmas and you don’t want to stress him out too much, the Christmas tree incident was already enough stress.

❤️🎄Bickslow insists that Freed wear Christmas lights and ornaments in his hair. He pesters the poor green bean until he relents. Bickslow himself rocks a full Santa costume! Ever is decked out in a fancy Christmas dress, and she probably got one for you as well!

❤️🎄The photo ends up looking great!

Touta Matsuda

🖤👮Normal family photos with him! Nothing crazy, just a nice picture of the two of you for his parents.

🖤👮He looks so adorable all dressed up in his nice suit! He says you look great, as well.

🖤👮Nothing really crazy happens, honestly. It's just a cute outing for the two of you.

🖤👮He'll probably let you wander around the mall and get some Christmas shopping done afterwards. Maybe you could also go get some dinner while you're out!

Gaara

❤️🏜️Obviously family photos with Kankuro and Temari. Standard family pictures.

❤️🏜️There's a little bit of trouble getting Gaara to smile. He did spend several years of his life with only a sour grimace on his face (which was very justified, actually).

❤️🏜️Kankuro keeps trying to get away with making funny faces. Eventually you guys just decide to take one serious picture and one silly picture.

❤️🏜️Both pictures turn out great!

Rogue Cheney

🖤🐉It's you, Rogue, and Frosch. It was probably your idea, but Rogue agreed pretty easily.

🖤🐉You have some serious trouble trying to get Frosch to look at the camera. He just keeps getting distracted!

🖤🐉Once you finally get Frosch to look at the camera, it's an adorable picture!

Alphonse Elric

💛🐱It was Winry and Al's idea to do Christmas photos. Ed was dragged along by his braid.

💛🐱Nothing too exciting happens, other than the usual Winry hitting Ed with a wrench.

💛🐱It's a super cute picture!

Mahiru Shirota

🤎🙂You two were invited to take Christmas pictures with all the other servamps and eves. Mahiru thought it was a great idea at first…

🤎🙂…Until you actually got there. It was utter chaos. Mahiru tried his best to calm things, but to no avail.

🤎🙂You both are exhausted by the time you finally get a good picture. Next year, you definitely won't try to attempt wrangling all 7 servamps and their eves into a family photo.

[vampirevatican]

Not asking much but I beg ya to do what Judd Birch's relationship with a Bimbo girlfriend would be like. I beg! 🥺🥺 Feed your children pls

MY CHILDREN?! am i.. mother now?!? or is it that im the only one feeding the judd tags 🧐

anyway, judd x bimbo time (perfect bc i just got my nails done)

Not asking much but I beg ya to do what Judd Birch's relationship with a Bimbo girlfriend would be like. I beg! 🥺🥺 Feed your children pls

pls, understand where im coming from if this happens? it's bc he spots her doing some fuck shit.

like im talking on girl gang, or some petty crime and it'd have to be a meet cute or something

like he's dragged to the mall for christmas photos with santa and shopping.

they end up in hot topic or spencers together and he catches her

[off-traveling-in-the-stars]

holiday gotham hcs

- the rogues absolutely spend the holidays committing holiday themed crimes, at the mall terrorizing santa, for example

- ed themes all his riddles around different holidays

- penguin has a special more red toned suit for the season, that way he can match ed’s green suit

- there is a party held for all members of the rogue gallery, held and hosted by oswald

- ivy tends to hang up mistletoe at said party

- selina was the first person to implement mistlefoe (punch the other person) at the party

- barbara brings the drinks, of course

- victor (fries) creates ice sculptures for fun

- victor (zsasz) is the guy at the party who’s on his phone ignoring everyone else

- jonathan decorates, he just runs to the closest party store to grab shit

- jeremiah was not invited, however, he has somehow managed to sneak in and wreak havoc

[melonthesprigatito]

Word Girl Villains Christmas Headcanons

Rhyme's favourite Christmas movies are Olive the Other Reindeer because there is a con man penguin in it and Elf because she thinks it's amusing that the secretary that appears in a few scenes sounds almost exactly like her, almost as though they're both voiced by the same person * cough* Amy Sedaris *cough*

All the villains prefer not to watch Home Alone because it doesn't even well for the burglars in that movie. They dread the day Word Girl watches it in case it gives her any ideas.

Tobey uses his giant robots to hang mistletoe in every place he can think of in the hopes he can catch Word Girl under one. Maybe THIS time he'll finally get a kiss. Hopefully. Tobey also tries to introduce the bad guys to mince pies, aka the Classic British Christmas Food™ but they're all either confused or disappointed that there's no actual meat in them. Tobey ends up being exasperated by the constant "So why's it called a MINCE pie if there's no mince in it???" questions.

The villains are low key worried that Tobey, Victoria and Eileen will end up on the naughty list because of their evil activities, so Leslie makes sure they have a few presents for them just in case.

Granny May knits ugly Christmas sweaters for everyone. Unless they want to spend Christmas tied up in a giant ball of yarn, they have to wear them. No exceptions. Ms Question is totally cool with this because she already wears a sweater that she stitched a question mark into as her villain outfit so she appreciates the thought and effort that went into making them.

Lady Redundant Woman is ABSOLUTELY one of those retail workers that hates Christmas because of the customers and the Christmas music playing on repeat at the copying store. Doesn't help that Dave loves the holidays and is EXTRA cheerful this time of year.

The Villains Society decide to enforce a ban on committing any real crimes for the duration of the holiday season, because they realised that they'd rather not spend Christmas or New Year's in a jail cell. So instead...

Dr Two Brains starts turning things into cheese... so he can donate it to food banks. Word Girl wonders how the heck he managed to give away cheese to other people without pissing off Squeaky, and he's like "Well, I ordered a new cheese ray from Evil Monthly Magazine and they sent me a ray for GOAT'S CHEESE ray, can you believe it?! And they wouldn't give me a refund! Might as well get my money's worth!"

Chuck breaks into the mall at night.... Because he wants to be first in line to visit the mall Santa, might as well get there early.

Ms Question hits several people with her confusion ray... but it turns out that them being stuck in a state where they're questioning what gifts they should get got other people actually helped them to make a decision once it wore off.

Mr Big hypnotises a crowd... to organise a bunny themed Christmas parade. When the people are unhypnotised, they're just more disappointed that they missed the parade because they weren't conscious during hypnosis.

Rhyme and Reason head to the park and Rhyme freezes the entire lake... and people have a blast skating on the new ice rink. The civilians are actually annoyed when Word Girl tries to apprehend her and she gets called a Scrooge.

Word Girl is flabbergasted because they're doing things that are technically illegal, but not necessarily EVIL. And people are a lot more forgiving of the "crimes" than they normally are this time of year so Word Girl just let's them off with a warning. Amazing Rope Guy somehow gets arrested anyway but they let him go because "Hey, it's Christmas"

The villains throw a huge Christmas party (funded by Mr Big), and they even invite Word Girl. They also include her in their Secret Santa. She gets a Pretty Princess figure from Leslie. Amazing Rope Guy gets a fucking Key to the City from Word Girl because it was last minute so she panicked and grabbed the first thing she could see in her hideout.

D.A Sally Botsford is surprised to find a Christmas card signed by all the villains in the mail.

To make a long story short about Rhyme and Reason's childhood for this next headcanon, Rhyme was abandoned by her parents in space, she crashed landed on Earth, grew up in an orphanage, was ostracized by her entire town because of her powers and was singled out/bullied by her orphanage caretaker.

At Christmas, Rhyme would always end up on the Naughty List. Not because she was bad, but because her caretaker would intercept the letter and send her a return letter saying that she was a bad girl and she would NEVER get on the nice list. Rhyme was always the only kid in the orphanage who didn't get any presents. But she never lost hope because she just knew that if she tried hard enough, she could be on the nice list next year, so she never stopped believing in Santa.

Meanwhile Reason's parents... Weren't very involved in his life. They gave him the bare minimum of attention so he basically was forced to mature early and learn to take care of himself. So Santa wasn't really a thing in their household because they couldn't be bothered.

Reason never believed in Santa but he never told any of the other kids in the town because he didn't want to ruin the magic for them. Every year Reason saw Rhyme be heartbroken on Christmas Day and it killed him inside because he wished he could just tell her that her orphanage caretaker was deliberately ruining Christmas but he didn't want to destroy her hopes and dreams by breaking the news to her and destroy her belief in Santa Claus.

So, on the last year before Rhyme was too old for Santa to visit, Reason took drastic measures. He spent months saving up his allowance to buy presents for Rhyme and on Christmas Eve, he broke into the orphanage and found Rhyme's stocking. He got rid of the coal and filled it with the presents he bought. On Christmas morning Rhyme came down the stairs to find her stocking filled with presents, and a new letter from "Santa" saying that she was always on the nice list, but her caretaker stole her presents and made it look like he gave her coal.

Rhyme later excitedly showed her presents to Reason and ranted about how she KNEW there was something fishy going on with the naughty list and she was so relieved that Santa finally managed to put a stop to the sabotage. It wasn't until well into their supervillain careers that Reason told her what REALLY happened that night.

[mysterycharacterbracket]

Round L9, Poll #2 TIEBREAKER DAY 2

This is the second day of a tiebreaker poll between these two characters. This poll will last only 24 hours. When it is over, the results of this poll will be added to the results of the previous tiebreaker poll to create one final result. Then the winner will advance to round L10 against character 69, and the loser will be revealed and eliminated.

Oh, and if you already voted in the first tiebreaker, please DO vote again!

Character 222: A mysterious ancient warrior. Once upon a time, they may have been a hero. But their great and terrible power ignited fear in the populace, and so their life was reduced to endless imprisonment for crimes of destruction that they may have only been theoretically capable of. Only occasionally do they taste freedom, at the hands of those who view them as merely a weapon. They bear no gratitude towards those who would use them, and lash out with great violence at every challenger, only to be inevitably locked away once more. And yet even in this dangerous, pitiable state, they remain capable of wielding the greatest weapon of all—the power of friendship. Any friends they once had have surely long been lost, yet some tender emotion must still lie behind their mask of violence. But we may never know. We only know that they suffer, that they seek release from the cycle of battle and sleep, for they call out to one of the world's most primal beings for release. But does this bring freedom? That, too, we may never know.

Character 40: hes a 5'6 illiterate janitor who survived an abortion and eats cat food to go to sleep. he unironically believes in ghouls. he got dragged out of a mall kicking and screaming for biting the mall santa. his hobbies include "magnets", wandering the sewers naked, and looking for denim and crabs under bridges. he pulls his teeth out with his bare hands. he has a gay boy bestfriend and they faked their own death together. he has fifty stray cats who sleep in his alleyway. he drinks paint and eats chalk. he has perfect pitch and he's never eaten a strawberry.

[phoebeyates-archive]

○ location: skyline shopping centre ○ status: open (cap at 3) - @providencepeakstarters

Phoebe was a mall person. She absolutely adored the mall. She liked the bustling crowds and the loudness, and how it was an environment where her body had to catch up to her ever whirring brain. She liked hopping from store to store to never buy anything but to gather free samples. The mall during the festive season was probably it at its best, with the lights and the tree and the mall Santa setup. It was also the best time of year for one of her favorite activities; people watching. Phoebe had gone to the food court to get an ICEE, stationed at an available bench with one other person there to do just so, seeing a man on the phone fumble through the pockets of his coat as he tried his best to weave through the crowds at speed. A bit of paper flew out and he kept going, completely unaware. “Sir!” Phoebe called, jumping up to grab it before it got stood on. “Sir you dropped this!” But it was no use, he was eaten by the mob of mall people. Phoebe glanced at it, slightly relieved it wasn’t anything important, just a coupon for two pretzels for the price of one. “Would it be bad if I used this? It expires tomorrow.” Phoebe asked aloud, nodding at her benchmate. “You could have the extra pretzel, be my accomplice in this crime?”

[barkhoffman]

16, 17, and 18?

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

does the entire character of Eric Matthews count LMAO like all he did was cheat on his wife and commit ACAB crimes and scream at/about his son and then die while looking like a mall Santa who fell on incredibly hard times

granted I guess when you like Hoffman you can't really throw stones about the ACAB part specifically but

this is an anti-Eric Matthews household

17. there should be more of this type of fic/art

omegaverse please. was appalled to find out I had to write the first hoffstrahm omegaverse fic on ao3 (I know some of y'all told me you were also working on this and I want you to know I am kissing you directly on the lips)

also this is going to appeal to a maximum audience of maybe 2 people, but watersports is a personal fav of mine and one I do intend to write fic of! like. it's always "have you seen the new hoffstrahm fic" and never "but what if Hoffman or Strahm pissed themselves in the Saw trap" and I think that's disgraceful of all of you (I'll talk more on this kink if anyone wants to hear it but I'm stopping myself for now)

18. it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

Hoffman/Amanda, like potentially controversial take but come on if they were the same gender you know they'd be one of the top pairings you KNOW they would

they've got it all: hatesex, daddy issues, reverse bear trap solidarity, like seriously I know it's hard because it's hard for me too but stop being heterophobic for 5 seconds and see the light you assholes

(they're both bi anyway so it's not even a straight relationship, also have you considered making them t4t? pepperidge farm has)

[choose violence ask game]

[deadrayg2mf]

Dead Ray's Nightmare Gauntlet: Melanie Nyx

I don't even know where to fucking start with this review. I knew going into this that I was in for a bad time. I was just unaware how bad of a time... "Never judge a book by its cover!" Well, I should have, and harshly at that. This won't be a long text post of my written-out thoughts and summary like the other reviews as this is a six for one since all the books are generally less than 30 pages (the longer ones are the ones with three books crammed into one) so I will just list them from worst to best with bulleted points, but to start; a small list of things that spanned all the books.

All dicks that are not tentacles are as long as the female leads forearm and as thick as her wrist.

The use of "virgin asshole."

Saying the dick or tongue reached places previously untouched.

Juices running down thighs and into ass cracks.

Different, but ultimately, the best tasting cum to exist. (TBH it all sounded like it would send me running to the bathroom as fast as a glass of milk)

Mind control??? Like there has to be??? I simply cannot be convinced that upon laying their eyes on, what appears to be the average size, a giant dick all of a sudden, each female lead is down to clown.

Badly and shortly written smut, all bad porno scripts, like really bad, I'm talking even bad porn producers would throw these in the reject pile.

Reigned In by the Reindeer Man 0/10

Trigger warning for attempted sexual assault and overall, general nasty man.

Starts out with her in what I wish wasn't a common situation for woman but, unfortunately, most definitely is with a disgusting man being disgusting towards her

Pervy Santa she works with gets aggressive, chases her through the mall attempting to assault her, she runs out into traffic and almost gets hit by a truck (truck-kun almost coming in for that isekai save)

Oh Whoa, she gets whisked away by something furry and antlered

It's Blitzen

but like

a ten-foot-tall, super muscular and humanoid Blitzen

You'll never guess how huge his dick is, because it is out and demanding

Would have definitely dubbed this a noncon situation if, at the very last second, she hadn't decided that giant deer dick was worth getting a taste of

Blitzen's cum tastes like all the best parts of Christmas if you were wondering

He also goes down like a champ, and plows like a champ, just an absolute beast in the sheets (◔_◔)

Laughed at the line "you invoked the Santa"

Blitzen does take offence to being called Vixen - he's kind of a douche tbh

Bad

Given to the Groundhog God 0/10

Trigger warning for potential pedophilia and rape being an aspect

A smutty, fantasy Hunger Games rip?

That line about odds being in favors is pretty fucking close

And the whole drawing names until your 18 and free from the selection

Um

Pedophilia?

Maybe?

Definitely nothing is said to not make this potential claim invalid

It says that woman are in danger for their first 18 years from getting their names drawn

And later the Groundhog God makes it clear he's gotta bone 'em to get their life force

I think

Crime was committed

If not pedophilia, definitely rape

So... disgusting, all the crime ones get 0's

She volunteers for her sister whose name gets drawn and goes for her (female lead is 21) to the Groundhog God

Oh, btw, it's fucking groundhogs day :|

She is entranced by his groundhog god dick

Turns out she's his mate (thank god he doesn't have to take any kids to fuck ever again)

She turns into a furry groundhog lady

Gag me with a spoon

Lusty Lost Souls 1/10

Girl who had three boyfriends who all tragically died on their way to a high school dance is facing her fears and returning to hometown ten years later

Oop, former classmate wants to kill her cause she still blames her for their deaths

BOOM, dead, how? They're ghosts or fog monsters or something along those lines

Now that main girl is back in town their all riled up and ready to get back in the sheets with her/protect her from the people trying to kill her

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to kill the main girl, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice

Anyways, after the second attempt made by former classmate who was in love with her, the boys make their appearance (this is the end of the book btw)

They then have a steamy (foggy?) fuck session and her old high school best friend watches from the sidelines but really just see's fog envelope the main girl and then all of a sudden she disappears forever

Not sure if she like died and also turned into fog or what happened there

It was boring

Tentacle Games 1.5/10

Just a horny squid games rip

Three books in one

They all sucked

This televised event where people compete for money but if they fuck up they get dragged off by tentacles

If you pay a subscription you get to see what happens backstage ╮ (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) ╭

It's sex... they get fucked by the tentacles

That's it...

The third book is the scientist who created the horny tentacle monster getting fucked by one

The other two are just contestants on the show (losers)

Shout out to the size queen in the second one... though size isn't exactly hard to come by in any of these books :|

Groped by the Grinch 1.5/10

Her name is Holly Jolly

The Grinch is an invisible being that just gropes people probably

She can see him because she harbors true holiday cheer

Canon mind control in this one, but the Grinch chooses to seduce her the old fashioned way

By taking her clothes off and rubbing his giant grinch dick on her

At least this one has embellishments

There's Christmas lights under the skin and they spin when he gets real jazzed

The Grinch is ripped, absolutely shredded, complete babe magnet (if they could see him)

Ass of a god

Missed the chance for the perfect rip from the movie with the lines "You're the... the... the" "the, the, the, the Grinch!"

Absolutely wasted opportunity (but if you can get sued for that then I get it)

Also has Christmas cum but not the same as Blitzens'

The first, and possibly only, one we get a kiss in I think?

How romantic of Mr. Grinch

It was bad, still really really bad, but better than some

Seduced by Santa's Elves 2/10

Literally had to google the title to make sure I got it right and the 5th search result was pornhub (・_・ヾ

Jumped the gun and messaged multiple friends that this book was Santa getting cucked by Mrs. Clause and his elves

Was incorrect, kinda

Santa did get cucked by Mrs. Clause BUT it was with the easter bunny and the female lead of this is actually his sister

So, Santa leaves to go deliver Christmas presents, Mary, the lead, goes to her room to get frisky with her toys and Christmas themed porn that does not involve images of her brother (apparently hard to come by - someone direct her to previously listed Christmas books)

Dildo, hilt deep, oh what's that? Mary feels her breast get fondled?

Elf

Three elves, eventually; Bowie, Snowie, and Tinsel

Don't worry, their names are unimportant because not even the author could keep track of them

In one paragraph, Bowie's getting head, Snowie's going for that virgin ass, and Tinsel has touched places previously untouched with, you guessed it, a ginormous dick

In the next? Bowie is balls deep, Tinsel is at the back door, and Snowie is suddenly restricting her air space...

Literally consecutive paragraphs

Honestly, the dick size is unprecedented and frankly uncanny for these being three-foot-tall furry gremlin like things that are not at all reminiscent of the cover image

They also have Christmas cum... but not like Blitzens or the Grinch

BTW they have her bound and hanging above her bed with curtains

The only male characters who aren't shredded beefcakes?

Maybe the author just missed her chance at getting Mary to lick Snowie's washboard abs

Call me a scrouge but this fucking sucked

Amityville Tentacles: The Series 2.5/10

Another three books in one, but all revolving around a central point

A house that has a tentacle demon in it and it must fuck

Honestly, did not mind the first one

Not the most offensive thing I'd ever read

The second one was also fine?

They each had like some sort of backstory that I could live with

The third one was the worst

They are obviously mindless stories revolving around the smut aspect

Inherently, that makes them pretty bad

But the smut in these ones was much better than the previous books listed

My head did not hurt reading this

I can live with the fact that this exists

Seduced by the Pumpkin King 3.5/10

Sue me

I actually liked this one

Enough that I was like...

Flesh it out? Write it better? Give us more plot and backstory?

I'd read it again if these conditions were met

Main girl finds boyfriend cheating on her, somehow gets lost on her way home, ends up in this town and asks for help, the towns people chase her into the woods as a sacrifice for the dark one

I think that's what they called him

He's the king of nightmares and is just a super tall, super ripped, pumpkin-headed bloke

TBH, was into him

He was nice and I think he had a good design for a monster

His forearm length, wrist thick dick also had embellishments

He had little vines that wrapped around it

I'd fuck him (shakes my head with my silly little ace/aro lies teehee)

They ended up married

Short, simple, kind of cute little story

Still not great, but the best out of a bad bunch

I won't even get into the other story of Melanie Nyx's that I read, it's the giant skeleton one that can be found on the list of "books that belong in jail" list from tik tok. I did read it, and my poor, sweet, innocent friend, who watches as I drown in a suffering of my own creation, had to open the multiple snapchat videos (sent at 1 am) of me lamenting and begging for me to never commit to a bit like this again due to the horrors and atrocities I made my stupid little brain compute. I will warn, if you choose to dip your toe in this forbidden pool of trash, it is noncon and just plain bad.

Overall, don't fuckin read these. It's absolute trash and I hate myself for making me do this.

Will I ever do another nightmare gauntlet again? I don't know... I was dubbed a masochist for going through with this and while I am a glutton for punishment, I did also feel my soul leaving my body on many occasions. When I look in the mirror now, I see a broken person... which isn't much different than before but like, the light in my eyes has died just that much more.

Would I read again? Not in this life or the next or the one after that or any again.

Would I recommend? Read this post and ask me that again, look me in my cold, dead eyes and think it through. Please for the love of it all spare yourself from this

[danny-and-hisshadow]

Current project:

Danny as the mall grinch

Plot- Danny normally dislikes Christmas ( the over played Christmas music, the fighting over weather or not Santa is real or not, the over commercialization of Christmas in general) , it's his thing to hate Christmas.

Danny's a broke college student living in Gotham, and he's not going to ask anyone for money or a handout,he has pride . Rent was due soon, so he started looking for a seasonal job.

he finds a job he would like after a few long hours, mall Grinch. He would get to act like the Grinch he is all day AND get paid to do it? And all he has to do is pretend to be the Grinch for little kids and adults who like the 'how the Grinch stole Christmas' movie? Sign him up.

Unknown to Danny a few independent scrooges have eyes on the mall he will be working at. A big charity event is going to take place in the giant mall with a professional Santa. And charities mean money, a certain clown decides to crash the event early by replacing the mall Santa.

Meanwhile something happened to the scarecrow, it's like he's been possessed by something.

Locations - a fake giant Gotham mall I made up

Possibly featuring a abandoned mall from the Arkham games.( Might have scarecrow go there)

Characters -

Danny - mall Grinch

Joker - ' replacement ' mall santa

Scarecrow - possessed by krampus

Gary , an original character I made up,

he is a man who works in the mall,

he put up a advertisement online looking for someone to be a mall grinch,

he was the one who wanted the mall Grinch to be the live action movie Grinch.

He is a make up artist and is the one to put Danny in his costume every day and personally pays Danny his money

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

(The mall Grinch Job ,it's a real job listing online in real life too, very nice to know,I looked it up and in south Carolina there were a few listings for one)

I originally was thinking about using toyman in this, have toys running around the mall terrorizing everyone trapped in the mall, just so I could have another excuse to let Danny as the Grinch go through the mall destroying weaponized Christmas toys and saving children.

but was really indecisive about it so I made a poll asking about it, I already had joker in the fic,so I asked if I should bring in toyman or scarecrow, and etc.

It was really close but scarecrow won

He wouldn't be scarecrow without his mask but here is Jonathan crane in the middle of going through a transformation into a krampus , the krampus didn't have a physical body so tried to take Jonathan crane's body, but Jonathan crane is the scarecrow,and scarecrow instead trapped the krampus in his mind, stealing the krampus 's power for himself, though he has to exert a lot of will power to stay in control. He is hiding out as his body changes but he is still making plans during it.

Other plans I have in mind for the story is Danny going around mildly defacing Christmas decorations, sabotaging Christmas music, and other things to improve moral.

Possibly Danny exploring the mall so to know his way around later in the story,only for that knowledge to be rendered useless after a point,lol.

I don't plan for Batman to show up, seeing as I planned on Bruce Wayne attending the charity event I had planned for the story , so robin might not show up either 😁

Red Hood would be in crime alley taking care of it

Night wing is in bludhaven

, I plan on researching other batfamily members before I try writing them into my story.

To stay motivated I try drawing stuff

[myfaveisfuckable]

Phoenix:

His entire character is that he is the normalest guy in the cast and then in Ace Attorney 3 he runs on and falls through a burning bridge, eats a glass necklace that contained traces of POISON in it. In Ace Attorney 4 he is just an enigma who brings his weird girl daughter to poker matches to use her powers to cheat, he forges evidence and hops over to the Defendants desk while he is ACTIVELY disbarred and ON TRIAL FOR MURDER to help his lawyer pin the crime on his MENTOR. He also is obsessed with sparkling grape juice and drinks it when he's sad because it makes him feel better (confirmed to not be another name for wine in the 6th game like it is just grape juice), gets a job as a piano player at a restaurant but is actually shit at playing the piano. In Ace Attorney 5's DLC he defends an ORCA for his first case being a lawyer again. He also overthrows a government in Ace Attorney 6. His entire motivation to become a lawyer is to meet up with his childhood friend that moved away and he knew for maybe like 5 months to ask him what the hell happened to him because he wasn't replying to his letters and he stood up for him in a fucking CLASS TRIAL in 4th grade one time because his other friend stole said childhood friend's lunch money and other entire class blamed Phoenix including his teacher..

Charlie:

Sorry, I keep spamming Always Sunny characters on these forms.

But yeah. He literally looks like just a guy. Like I feel like he's the most normal looking guy of all time. But he is the most insane man alive. And I am not kidding. He is very mentally ill, never learned to read write, has pica, and kills rats for a living. He once tore out the throat of a mall Santa because he might have fucked Charlie's mom. He spat a fireball at his best friend's head and burned like half of his face. He has dozens of restraining orders from the same person but will simply ignore them. He's asexual. He's non-binary. He's autistic. He loves cheese. He has kissed two of his four best friends' on the lips, had sex with one of them, and been involved in a threesome with two of them. (Again, he canonically dislikes sex. I guess he did that just because.)

[leverage-commentary]

Part One of: Leverage Season 3, Episode 14, The Ho Ho Ho Job, Audio Commentary Transcript

Hi friends! So quick mod note here. The Google Doc for this transcript was 51 pages long, and when I tried to paste this over, Tumblr told be that there can only be 1000 'blocks' in a post? Which I'm assuming means lines/each person speaking here. So I am splitting it into two posts. Here are the first 25 pages of the transcript; I will post the second half in just a sec.

Marc: Hi, I'm Marc Roskin, director of this episode.

John Rogers: I'm John, executive producer.

Michael: Michael Colton, co-writer of this episode.

John Aboud: Aboud, co-writer and talented half of this episode.

Michael: Woah.

Chris: Chris Downey, executive producer of this episode, The Ho Ho Ho Job.

John: Our first holiday job, cause it’s the first time we aired in December around Christmas. Colton and Aboud, preferably Aboud-

[Laughter]

Michael: He was sorta the primary writer of this-

John: Why don't you tell us how-

Michael: I was like, shotgun.

John: Why don’t you tell us what really started this episode.

Aboud: The origin of the episode-

Michael: You said, “Can we find the most cold hearted writers and see if we can warm their hearts by making them write a Christmas episode?”

John: It was, it was a way to make you personally transform.

Michael: Yeah.

Aboud: Failed utterly.

John: For the show.

Aboud: Failed utterly.

Michael: If we can get a Jewish writer and a Jewish director-

[Laughter]

Michael: To make a Christmas episode.

Aboud: To bring Christmas to life.

John: There you go.

Michael: What did we start with? It was-

Aboud: We started with the idea of Christmas Eve, what is a job that they could pull on Christmas Eve. And that led to-

Michael: Well who is-

Aboud: The mall.

Michael: Who is-

Aboud: Who is your bad guy.

John: Yeah.

Michael: Started with- we wanted to have Santa be the client.

John: Yes.

Aboud: Yeah.

John: That's right. And then all the attitude sorta came out of that. And then the other two things were, we were hacking around with the bad guy once you guys had come up with the crime, and then it was a chance to bring back Wil Wheaton's character Chaos.

Aboud: Absolutely.

John: Because the idea of Wil Wheaton as the Grinch Who Stole Christmas made me laugh for maybe seven minutes straight.

[Laughter]

John: And then of course Eliot in a Santa suit.

Michael: Yes.

John: This is a great take by the way. That's a lovely- and that's Mark Lewis as Santa.

Marc: That's Mark Lewis, famed storyteller of the pacific northwest.

[Laughter]

Chris: Would you show rack on tour?

Aboud: Troubadour!

Marc: Rack on tour.

Aboud: Troubadour.

Marc: Yes, he's actually wearing the beard and wig from Evan Almighty.

[Laughter]

John: Really?

Chris: Wow.

John: I did not know that.

Aboud: Oh god!

Marc: Yes, because he had a beard but Dean said it wasn't-

Chris: That is a pop up video worthy effect.

Marc: Wasn't big enough, so we flew in the beard and wig!

Michael: And this episode cost about as much.

John: Just like Forbes used to do. And thank you!

Marc: Exactly! Yes.

[Laughter]

John: Just for you. Yes, and the chance to make Nate be cranky and pissed off for Christmas was awesome.

Michael: We were worried actually that Christain was not going to be happy being in a Santa suit the whole time, but he was kinda giddy on the set. He was actually like “I get to wear a Santa suit!” He was excited.

Aboud: Loves it.

John: He loves this stuff.

Chris: The Santa fight, I mean think they were sort of key elements of this.

Aboud: Spoiler warning! Spoiler warning!

[Laughter]

John: They usually watch it first, John, and then come back later.

Aboud: Oh is that how this works?

John: Yes, exactly.

Aboud: Gotcha.

John: And great fellow Canadian Dave Foley, Kids in the Hall.

Michael: Yes.

Aboud: There he is.

John: Being unctuous which is really one of his great skills is unctuosity. Unctuosity-?

Aboud: We love- one of the early appeals of the story was having his character be redeemed.

John: Yes.

Aboud: In a kind of Scrooge type of way.

Michael: Yeah well we even called him-

Aboud: Eben Dooley.

Michael: Eben, there was one reference to Ebenezer.

Chris: There was a fair amount of debate about it, and it was- I think the challenging part was having it- was earning it early enough in the episode so that we have room for the heist.

Aboud: Yeah, right, right.

John: Exactly. It's tough to do that double turn with the bad guy, because we are 42 minutes and 30 seconds.

Chris: Yeah.

John: But this one is plotted really tightly. This one really flies.

Michael: It's very well written, it’s extremely well written.

[Laughter]

Aboud: Pretty well.

Michael: It's probably the best written-

Aboud: Half of it! Half of it!

John: Plotting is from Chris and I.

Aboud: Yeah, half of it.

John: You just fill in like mad libs, the script really.

[Laughter]

Marc: This is the second party we've had in McRory's. One was a celebration for the death of the owner, his funeral.

John: Yeah [laughs] and the other is a drunk unemployed Santa Claus.

Marc: John McRory's, yes. And then a drunk and unemployed Santa Claus.

[Laughter]

John: What were the challenges in directing this particular one, Marc?

Marc: The challenge was directing Christmas in the summer.

Michael: Christmas in July?

Chris: Yeah.

Aboud: July.

Marc: Christmas in July. So I threw the idea to Colton and Aboud, the idea that let's not try and hide it. Let's address it, that Parkers bummed because there is no snow. 

John: Nice.

Marc: And we just address that in dialogue, so when you see exteriors with no snow it wasn’t something we'd have to try and cheat with snow blankets, or-

Michael: Which then led to the ending, which turned out to be sort of the best ending we could have.

Marc: Yeah it's fantastic.

John: Yeah, really sweet. And then the mall was tough.

Marc: The mall was tough.

John: Cause it’s a real mall.

Marc: It is a real mall that was open and-

Michael: Jansen Supercenter.

Marc: Yeah, Jansen Supercenter; they were very helpful.

Aboud: Jansen Beach.

Michael: Jansen Beach. Named for the Jansen Swimwear Company.

Chris: Wow.

Aboud: Good tribute.

Marc: We were able to use some of the storefronts and you'll see that Becca, our production designer, built about four or five different storefronts as well.

Chris: Now can I just say something-

Aboud: Oh wait Regency Square Mall, I should add. 

Chris: Oh Regency Square Mall.

Aboud: Regency Square Mall. Becca Molino the production designer-

Marc: And there's a lovely family!

Aboud: Look at that! Who’s that!

Michael: Lovely family, horrible actor!

Marc: That’s the director right there! His hand on an elf!

[Laughter]

Marc: My kids! My wife! 

Michael: Do they get residuals?

John: Wait, that's not the woman I see in Portland all the time.

[Laughter and Jeers]

Aboud: Woah, wait a minute.

John: Now I'm confused!

Chris: That's the Portland wife!

John: Oh, the Portland wife, alright.

Chris: Yes.

Marc: And our evil Santa is Charlie Brewer, famed stunt coordinator, who was the stunt coordinator on our pilot, and on season-

John: On season one, yeah.

Marc: Season one.

Chris: No, I was gonna say one of the things that amused me the most [laughs] about this episode was we had to come up with fake mall stores.

Aboud: Yes.

Michael: That was fun, yeah.

Chris: I think you guys made a page of fake mall stores.

[Laughter]

Chris: Do you remember any of them?

Aboud: There was an email that like- from Carrie Glover, one of our producers, who said we need names for clearance. This email- Mike was- you were busy with something with family so you said you know, we gotta generate this-

Michael: I didn't wanna do it.

Aboud: Didn't wanna do it. We gotta generate some names. I said, “OK, no problem.” I think twenty minutes later I sent you fifty-nine names.

[Laughter]

Michael: They were great!

[Laughter]

Michael: The worst puns.

Aboud: And you just, you wrote back “Jesus, you had fun with this.”

[Laughter]

Chris: That's an assignment you don't wanna give to a writer.

[Laughter]

Marc: What was the name of the one- not linens and things but the other one-

Chris: A recipe for disaster.

Aboud: Towels and Such.

John: What's amazing is how many of them didn't clear.

[Laughter]

John: It’s like hackiest possible names, going with stores like- nope it’s a real store, nope it’s a real store.

Aboud: All real.

Michael: Oh yeah, there was a frame shop that had some pun and it turns out in Portland-

Chris: I've Been Framed.

[Laughter]

Aboud: I’ve Been Framed, can't use it. But I was just gonna add that Becca Molino, the production designer and I, grew up moments from each other, and about fifteen minutes from the Regency Square Mall.

Chris: Ohh.

Aboud: In Richmond, Virginia.

John: So that was a little shoutout.

Aboud: We had a bit of a chuckle over that.

John: [Sarcastically] Tough scene for Christian, always tough. I don't know how he motivates himself through these scenes.

Chris: He soldiers through.

Marc: Yeah it’s very difficult.

John: Yeah, he does, he's a brave man. And again a real challenge to figure out different moveable objects that we can cram Beth Riesgraf into.

[Laughter]

John: We've put her in a lot of things over the course of three years of the show.

Aboud: What other means of conveyance can she hide herself in?

Chris: Now I'm pretty sure that I had a poster on my wall of Cheryl Ladd in this outfit?

[Laughter]

Michael: I like it! It's almost like Sergeant Pepper.

Chris: I may be dating myself here, but she kinda had hair blown back.

[Laughter]

John: Nice. 

Michael: You had a poster of Mae West, didn’t you?

[Laughter]

Aboud: You know, on a plot level, this is a very heavy Nate and Eliot episode. They do a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of stopping our bad guy. But spiritually this is a Parker episode.

John: Yes.

Chris: Yeah.

John: Yeah, she's carrying the emotional weight pretty much all the way through.

Aboud: Very much so.

Michael: The childlike innocence who believes in Santa, and in God, really.

[Laughter]

John: Really?

Michael: What? Did I say that?

Aboud: You just said that.

John: I didn't really get that. This is also interesting. It's amazing the stuff that we come up with in research. There are these mall consultants, these people go through and do consulting on malls on flows, on security, and it's an enormous amount of research we wind up blowing on a character that we never actually repeat in the entire episode.

Aboud: Right, right.

Michael: Well we named him Anton Underhill because there's a shopping consultant named Pacco Underhill?

Aboud: Pacco Underhill.

Michael: But several people said “Hey, I love that reference to Fletch.”

[Laughter]

John: Oh?

Michael: Yeah, so I said sure, yes, it's a Fletch reference.

Aboud: Fletch reference, why not.

Marc: Who came up with Tela Ricos?

Michael: I think that's like the name of a-

Marc: Check out the sale at Tela Ricos.

Michael: Some comedy writer. 

Aboud: He’s a writer friend of ours.

Michael: It sounds like some place that would sell, like, denim jackets.

John: Yeah, it's a comedy word.

Chris: That’s the Nate cranky seat. When he's cranky in a briefing, that's where you put him.

John: That's where he winds up.

Marc: And he wanted to be eating soup!

Aboud: He was very specific.

Michael: And reading the New York Times book review.

Aboud: Yeah.

John: It's very grown up, that's the thing.

Michael: Yeah.

Aboud: He's the dad!

John: Oh, the great bit, this- the fact the ornaments were valuable objects, I really love this bit. Where did we- cause we were talking about Sophie had her little hideaway, and the idea that Sophie keeps them for the future and Parker just takes things she likes.

Aboud: Yes.

John: And her entire- the thing we introduced in episode five, with Richard Chamberlain, the big warehouse of stuff.

Aboud: Yes.

John: There's probably 20 million dollars worth of crap in that warehouse. 

Aboud: Right.

John: Just lying around like paper weights.

Aboud: It's a fun, organic way of showing their different approaches to what they do.

John: Yeah.

Michael: I was actually surprised we got in the line ‘Happy Birthday, Jesus,’ I just thought you couldn't mention Jesus.

John: You absolutely can.

Chris: No, you can't exclaim it as a-

Aboud: Can't use it in vain.

Michael: You can't say, “God Damn and Happy Birthday Jesus”?

Aboud: Oh that just got censored.

Michael: Ohhh god damn it.

John: No, I know-

Michael: Oh, again!

John: I know you had a hard time, we passed out the liberal media rules for-

Aboud: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

John: For Christainity, but you gotta look at the specific clauses. It's interesting, everyone- you know the great phrase ‘idiot ball’? Everyone passes the cranky ball in this episode; everyone’s got a little Christmas crank going all the way through.

Chris: Yeah.

Aboud: Just like real life.

[Laughter]

Michael: Just like the movie Christmas with the Kranks.

John: That is an angry eating of soup.

Chris: He really did.

Aboud: He's grinding it.

[Laughter]

John: They're almost- Christain almost loses it there, there's really-

Aboud: Yeah.

Marc: Yes.

John: Beth can manage to get everyone to laugh, and actually having shot a bunch of them late night, Beth and Christain are the worst combination. There- he gets her more often than not. And then a crying baby.

Michael: It took a while to get here.

Marc: Crying baby!

John: What did we do to the baby to make it cry? Did we poke it?

Marc: Baby wouldn't cry in rehearsal, baby wouldn't cry in rehearsal, baby wouldn’t cry. Finally I had mom walk away from baby during the shot.

Chris: Ohhh.

John: Wow, nice.

Aboud: Does it every time.

John: Nice, that's actually a psychological experiment.

Chris: I mean, you didn't have to backhand her; I mean, that was the next step.

Aboud: Yeah.

John: For those of you for child welfare in Portland the number is 173-

[Laughter]

Michael: This kid was great.

Marc: This kid was good.

John: This kid was really great. It's tough, you know what, Portland child actor, right? Portland actor.

Aboud: Yeah, yeah.

Michael: No, no, no Portland- that guy’s 34!

John: Really?

[Laughter]

John: Wow!

Chris: He's got that disease.

Michael: That's not a child actor.

Chris: Oh that's great, that works really well.

Marc: I haven't seen Scott Baio in a long time.

[Laughter]

Aboud: Casting him was fun because you realize- now this kid, not twerpy enough. This kid, not twerpy enough. Oh this guy’s a jerk.

Marc: Oh, yeah.

Aboud: This is the one.

John: Yeah, in the season finale when we have a little boy point and scream, it was very weird in casting to just keep telling moms: “Have your kid point at me and scream.”

Chris: Yeah.

John: Scream louder!

[Laughter]

John: Mean it!

Michael: I like Beth's elf voice in this, that was her improvisation.

Marc: Yeah, respect the suit.

[Laughter]

John: And Lucille 2.0.

Chris: Yeah. That was another thing that came in, his love of Lucille. Wasn’t that something that sort of evolved during the filming?

Aboud: Well, it-

Chris: It became a character, right?

Aboud: It built through the season actually, yeah.

John: Yeah, because what was great was when we shot the season finale, the way he dug in on Lucille the van, the first one-

Chris: Yes, that's right.

John: Was really unexpected, because he really gave the van death scene a true pathos.

Aboud: Right.

John: And then of course that created a little improv where when they were getting ready to blow up the van, Beth kissed it.

Chris: Yeah.

Aboud: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

John: And so the idea that it was like his dog that you are affectionate to, yeah it really turns into something big.

Marc: I don't know, I mean, I've seen Gina in lots of dresses and she's a knockout in everything, but there was something about her in this limo driver suit and tie.

Michael: I think that says something about you.

[Laughter]

Aboud: It's the British thing.

Chris: The Cato

Marc: The Cato, nine and half weeks, I don't know what that was.

John: This is very Miranda Zero that's what this was.

Chris: You can leave your hat on, right?

John: It's very Miranda Zero. And then the EM gun which shows up, which was planted by Albert Kim. 

Aboud: In Boost.

John: Reinforced here and then pays off mighty in the season finale.

Michael: Does he get prop payments?

John: He does not get prop payments.

Chris: No, you don’t get that.

John: No, like all writers, we ruthlessly steal his intellectual property and then use it to our own whim.

Aboud: Next negotiation.

John: Yeah, but he's on another show he's on Nikita with- so he's got girls in short shirts with EM guns, so he's doing fine.

Aboud: He's fine.

John: Yes, exactly. And we trap another man to suffocate slowly to death in a limo.

[Laughter]

John: Really, I feel- we really do horrible things.

Aboud: The chauffeur- I mean obviously his audio is cut, but he was saying things obviously during the shooting and he sounded so genuinely sad to be locked in the car, he was crushed that he couldn't get out of his car.

John: And what is that-

Michael: That's good acting.

John: What is that character's thing as he's looking and seeing the sexy British chick pick up his client, is he like “I guess this is some sort of role play thing, I don't know.” I was like where is-

[Laughter]

John: I always am fascinated by these secondary characters' internal monologue.

Aboud: Right, right.

John: Tough shot, what- did we do trays here?

Marc: This was all greenscreen.

John: Okay.

Marc: This was shot in the-

Chris: Oh, looks great.

Aboud: Parking lot.

Marc: Parking lot, outside the stage with the green screen and plate shots.

John: Driving is a pain in the ass.

Marc: We had to make all the plate shots- we turned all of the green, brown.

John: What?

Marc: So it didn't look like green trees.

John: Oh alright. Oh, of course, ‘cause it's winter.

Aboud: Wintertime.

Marc: Cause it's winter.

John: There you go.

Marc: Christmas in summer time.

John: And how did we do the crash here?

Marc: Um, the crash we did-

Aboud: With difficulty.

[Laughter]

Marc: Yes, with difficulty.

John: I always ask when I know something’s gone wrong, it gives the people listening to the DVDs something to hear other than me drinking.

Marc: Done practically, and we did it outside the exterior of the sanitation plant while we were underground filming, Charlie Brewer and company crash the car.

Aboud: Took multiple attempts, and the car’s getting more and more bent.

[Laughter]

Aboud: But the barrier that it's supposed to move is not moving at all. [Laughs] It was deflecting off.

John: It’s amazingly hard- it's difficult to crash a car.

Aboud: You wouldn't think.

John: You know what, safety standards have really ruined the ability to have the good 1970s fireball that we’re so used to.

[Laughter]

Marc: That's right.

Chris: You know, I just watched The Blues Brothers last night, but you should mention it, they wreck cars.

John: The car rolls down the hill-

Chris: They know how to wreck a car back then.

Aboud: Tore that car up.

John: Also the sinister seatbelt unfastening button, available at the SkyMall magazine.

Aboud: Here we go.

Michael: Boom!

Aboud: Finally, yes.

Chris: There we go!

Marc: Yeah.

John: Finally. Isn't on that approach actually the bumper is already detached?

Aboud: You can tell, yeah.

Marc: Yeah, from take one.

John: And that's not Dave actually, that is-

Michael: That’s Mark McKinney, one of the other-

[Laughter]

John: We actually flew a different-

Michael: He's off in the- he’s double for Foley.

John: Yeah, exactly.

Michael: I have never seen Dean Devlin, our boss, so amused as on the set hearing Dave Foley tell the origin stories of Kids in the Hall's skits.

John: Yeah.

Michael: To Dean.

Aboud: Big fan, big fan.

Chris: He's a big fan.

John: Yeah, everyone’s a big fan, it's a great, really great great group of guys and the new thing is good. There's Charlie!

Marc: Charlie Brewer first acting lines.

John: No, no- is this his first acting gig?

Marc: Not the first, but with us, I mean.

John: Oh, yeah.

Marc: Normally Charlie’s, you know, coordinating stunts.

John: No, the vague hostility here. And this was fun actually, coming up with the- where was the origin of the credit card scam? Cause we’re coming into the crime story now.

Michael: Well it is real that in the last few years, like, the Salvation Army takes swipes.

Aboud: Yes.

Michael: Which just seems like a crime waiting to happen.

John: That's how you wind up thinking on the Leverage writing team. You get something that helps charity and you go: “How can this be corrupted?”

Aboud: I know, I know, exactly.

Chris: The great fake fact, and I know for those of us who- those of you listening to these before we talk about some of our fake facts, but my favorite fake fact is that on Christmas Eve, the traffic in credit cards over the line is so heavy that they can’t keep track of fake transactions.

Aboud: They just let everything go through, in the logic of the episode, they just let the transactions go through because the volume is so high, they can’t, you know, flag everything that's suspicious.

Chris: Right.

Michael: That's our logic, but it sounds credible.

Aboud: That's our logic.

Chris: That's our logic, but sounds utterly convincing, and makes-

Michael: Well you would think on Christmas Eve.

Aboud: With all the last minute transitions.

John: That's a legend.

Michael: No, it's a very well written show.

[Laughter]

Michael: No holes.

John: No holes, it's seamless.

Michael: And it makes you think.

John: And, by the way, it does speak to the casual cruelty with which we treat the characters in this world, that this entire- that we have put a man in a car crash, given him head trauma, and now we’re going to heavily medicate him.

Aboud: We’re gonna dope him!

Marc: With morphine.

Michael: And now we’re-

Chris: No, no, he's medicating himself!

John: No, no, later on.

Aboud: True.

Marc: Later on.

Aboud: She pushes the button later.

Michael: We gaslight him.

Chris: Oh that’s true.

John: We gaslight him with the fake Santa. It's not as bad as in the finale, we actually take the one honest man in a small European country and corrupt him to the point where he can be evil enough to become president.

Marc: Even Christain dressed as Santa gets to hit on extras.

[Laughter]

Marc: Unbelievable.

John: Unbelievable.

Aboud: Yup, yup.

Michael: I wanna point out there's a hat shop in the background that gave discounted hats to the entire cast and crew.

John: Oh that’s nice, that’s very nice.

Michael: Marc Roskin in fedora. The Jewish Sinatra.

[Laughter]

Marc: There you go.

John: Now this RFID thing is cool, we’d done a lot of research on RFIDs because, you know, right this year we were working on this stuff, that guy had built that great device where he could drive around the city and pick up peoples passport information.

Chris: Yeah.

John: Off the RFID in their passport just in his car, and then the latest big hacking conference, a guy built a device he could bring up on stage with him and read all of the RFID in the audience.

Aboud: Right, right.

John: So yeah, most people have no idea there's a web of invisible information. Bruce Sterling calls them spines.

Michael: You're basically telling people not to give money to charities.

John: Absolutely do not give money to charities, you'll be brutally ripped off.

[Laughter]

John: No, no.

Aboud: Well the thing about the RFID is like, it's in your debit card now. 

John: Yeah.

Aboud: You had no say in the matter, they didn't ask you if you wanted it, you have it.

John: And that's why you should give out- we should go back to the gold standard and people should repeal the seventeenth amendment.

[Laughter]

Chris: Oh back to this!

Michael: Only took 15 minutes to get to the gold standard.

Aboud: Mark it! Mark the time.

John: [Sarcastically] Get your dry beef stroganoff and get a shack and move into the shack!

Chris: Ohhh.

Aboud: Welcome to the survivalist podcast.

[Laughter]

John: [Sarcastically] Obviously Santa Claus and Christmas are a plot to deprive you and get information about you for the corporation that will rule the world. 

[Laughter]

John: This is a great- this is a four-hander. this is always- 

Aboud: Yeah, a challenge.

John: This is one of the things we discovered during the course of the season, it's always easier to go to a four-hander cause you do two and two. The five handers - just that one extra human being the-

Marc: One extra is just-

John: Brutal bit of coverage.

Marc: So this is fun part of the script where, you know, the plot is-

Aboud: Oh they're all fun parts.

Marc: The plot is changing.

Michael: Yes!

John: This is the bit where we realize it's a totally different con. I mean this is- it's a standard thing in every episode where the episode turns into a different episode, or a different crime or a different con right in the middle of the second or third act.

Aboud: Right.

Michael: The bigger than we thought.

Aboud: Bigger than we thought moment.

John: Bigger than we thought, yeah. Is that- there you go. 

Aboud: And she doses him.

John: And Gina's kind of really sexily, brutally, coldly ruthless as she fills this man with morphine.

Aboud: There is a dominatrix vibe at work here.

John: No kidding.

Chris: And you know-

John: This is great.

Michael: I love this, the random Christmas footage we have on the screen, it's just a sleigh going across.

[Laughter]

Michael: That's all it is!

Aboud: There it is!

Chris: That’s good! I didn't even notice that till now.

John: Why?

Aboud: He’s apparently watching some Rankin/Bass specials.

Marc: Rubbery Robby!

Michael: Rubbery Robby.

John: There you go. How long did it take to come up with that toy that would clear?

Michael: Not to be be confused with Stretch Armstrong.

John: No, legally not to be confused with Stretch Armstrong. 

Aboud: No, no. 

John: Stretch Armstrong is perfectly safe while Rubbery Robby is filled with toxins.

Michael: That was John's nickname in high school.

Aboud: Rubbery Robby.

John: Try saying that too many times. Yeah this is a great- we don't usually give guest stars this big a scene, but you know Mark and Dave Foley were pretty great.

Michael: Well, troubadours.

Aboud: They did it.

Marc: They were fantastic.

John: Yes, exactly.

Chris: And again, you're playing off the idea that Santa knows when you've been naughty, I mean-

John: Yeah.

Chris: You know, it doesn't take that much morphine for you to buy into this.

John: And we relentlessly dump it into him.

[Laughter]

Aboud: Oh, yeah.

John: The entire city, dead.

Aboud: High pressure [unintelligible] morphine.

John: There are world war one soldiers who look more together than he does right now.

[Laughter]

John: There are dudes off Flanders Field who don't have that much morphine in them. Make the call!

Aboud: Make the call.

Michael: Make the call, he’s-

John: We haven't even introduced Wil yet, this is insane!

Michael: Right now look, he gets the phone and he says-

John: It's an incredibly dense-

Marc: He wants to talk to you!

John: He's calling Woodstock, Apollo Storm has picked up and then Jonathan Coltan’s on stage.

Aboud: Jonathan Coltan, not to be confused with this Colton.

Michael: Yes, very different. He's got a u.

John: And a following.

Michael: Ohh!

[Laughter]

All: Ohh!

Michael: Oh.

John: He wants to talk to you, that's great. It was- there was a nice turn here by the way guys, he really-

Marc: Yeah, he wants to talk to Sophie Deveraux.

John: You really plotted the hell out of this. And the-

Chris: Here's our big reveal, there we go!

John: The reveal.

Marc: That guy.

[shop-korea]

SANTA MONICA - PIER - SOUTHERN - CALIFORNIA -

CA - SANTA MONICA - SOUTH - OF - LOS ANGELES -

POP - 90,000 - SANTA MONICA - COLLEGE SHOPS -

PROBLEM - WITH MIAMI - JUST - WALKING - FREE -

TRAINS - THERE's - NOT - MANY - PLACES - 2 - GO -

BAYFRONT - PARK - WATER - PORT - CRUISE SHIPS -

PARK - BAYSIDE - MARKETPLACE - BEN's - PIZZA -

EXPENSIVE - BUT - NOT - MANY - CHEAP PLACES -

2 - EAT - NOT - MANY - MALLS - MOVING - 2 THIS -

BEACH - COMMUNITY - LOTS - OF - STORES AND -

MALLS - SHOPPING - GALORE - NICE - HOUSES -

MANY - THINGS - 2 - DO - FINISHING - COLLEGE -

BUT - NICE - BEACH - WINDS - 72 DEGREES FOR -

THE - STRONG - WINDS - BUT - MORE - 2 - DO -

HERE - ENGLISH - SPEAKING - AGAIN - NOT 2 -

SPANISH - UNLIKE - MIAMI - I - CAN DO MANY -

THINGS - HERE - BACK - 2 - CAR - DRIVING -

AGAIN - BUT - AS - 55 AND OLDER - I WANT -

2 - SHOP - AND - NOT - VERY - EXPENSIVE -

LOTS - OF - CAFES - 1ST - FRIDAYS - FINDS -

CALLED - FOOD - TRUCKS - SO - MORE TO -

EAT - HERE - I'M - MOVING 2 - CALIFORNIA -

AN - ORIGINAL - US STATE - LIVED - HERE -

B 4 - SAN FERNANDO VALLEY - SHOULD -

HAVE - LIVED - IN - SANTA MONICA - YES -

INSTEAD - BUT - WITH - SHOPIFY ONLINE -

STORE - MY - MONEY - WILL - BRING - ME -

MORE - HAPPINESS - HERE - ACUPUNCTURE -

MAKE OVER - NO - WRINKLES - SMARTER - & -

NO - VEINS - SHOWING - THINNER - WILL - BE -

DELIGHT - 2 - START - OVER - AGAIN - HERE -

BUT - YOUNGER - LOOKING - AND SMARTER -

LIQUID I.V. - TROPICAL - PUNCH - 20% - OFF -

KIEUN CHOI - BUT - CAN'T - WAIT - 2 - START -

YOUTUBE - CHANNEL - SHARING - GALORE -

SANTA MONICA - THE - SPORTS - SHOPPING -

THE - CAFES - WHAT - WE - CAN - DO - HERE -

ELECTRIC - KIA - BUT - MOVING - 2 - BETTER -

MOVING - 2 - SANTA MONICA - CALIFORNIA -

GETTING - MY FLORIDA - DRIVER'S LICENSE -

EASIER - BECAUSE - CAN - DO - THAT - IN A -

DRIVING SCHOOL - THIS - NOT - AVAILABLE -

THERE - TRANSFER - IS - EASIER - SO - WILL -

DO - THAT - PANORAMA TOWER - IS - IDEAL -

OR - JUST - HILTONS - WHATEVER - IS - YES -

THE - MOST - IDEAL - DEPENDS - ON - NEW -

EARNINGS - OF - SHOPIFY - ONLINE STORE -

BUT - I - FEEL - GOOD - ABOUT - THIS THUS -

I - GO - BACK - AND - FORTH - AND - AS I'M -

BUYING - A - HOUSE - THERE - BUT - GET'G -

INTERIOR - DESIGNER - 4 - MAKE OVER SO -

MY - NEW - FRIEND - AS - I'M - HAVING THE -

HOUSE - DECORATED - MADE - OVER - CAN -

EVENTUALLY - MOVE - THERE - ONE - STEP -

AT - A - TIME - ENJOY - VIEWS - HERE - FOR -

NOT - COMING - BACK - BUT - I'M - LOOK'G -

FORWARD - 2 - SOUTHERN - CALIFORNIA -

AGAIN - WILL - VISIT - LAKE TAHOE ALSO -

NORTHERN - CALIFORNIA - THE - SNOW -

THERE - IS - NOT - THAT - COLD - QUITE -

BEAUTIFUL - SHARING - WITH YOUTUBE -

CHANNEL - MY - TRAVELS - NEW CITIES -

I'M - VISITING - WANT - 2 B - IN - CA - YES -

AGAIN - EXPENSIVE - BUT - I - NEED - TO -

LIVE - WHERE - I - CAN - SHOP - EAT AND -

DO - MORE - WITH - THE - SAME - CITY -

AND - CALIFORNIA - AGAIN - SO COOL -

THESE ARE - MY PLANS - FOLLOWERS -

PRAY - 4 - ME - THAT - I - MAKE - LOTS -

OF - MONEY - AT - SHOPIFY - SO I CAN -

MOVE - AND - LEAVE - FLORIDA - YES -

WRINKLED - PRUNE - BAGS - SPANISH -

SPEAKING - FOREVER - NEEDS - 2 - BE -

LEFT - 4 - I - LIKE - ENGLISH - AND - ITS -

NOT - SPOKEN - HERE - LOTS OF CRIME -

ROBBERIES - MURDERS - BIBLE - SAYS -

'DEPART - FR - EVIL' - DEPARTING THIS -

FLORIDA - FOREVER - WANT - 2 - LIVE -

IN - SOUTHERN - CALIFORNIA - AGAIN -

I'M - EXCITED - PRAY - 4 - ME - THAT - I -

SUCCEED - IN - DROPSHIP - ONLINE -

STORE - I - WANT - THIS - SO - BAD 2 -

THANKS - EVERYONE - 4 - YOUR YES -

CONTINUED - SUPPORT - GLAD - 2 B -

HERE - AT - TUMBLR - LOVE - GIFs -

WHAT - I - LOVE - SO MUCH - ALSO -

LOVE - GIFs - THUS - THANKS - MY -

FOLLOWERS - 4 - STAYING - WITH -

ME - MOVING - 2 - SANTA MONICA -

LOVE BEACH - COMMUNITIES SO -

I - CAN'T - WAIT - 2 - MOVE - 2023 -

MY - NEW YEAR - NEW STATE - 2 -

LIVE - COMING - 2 - CALIFORNIA

[villafordefeatedvillains]

24 and that one book series that Teatime is from

Reality TV AU and Discworld (specifically Hogfather). A show that's sure to become a seasonal classic has just begun airing. The premise is simple: make people's Christmases not just good, make them sure to be remembered for the rest of their lives. The teams are... interesting. An undertaker (he refused to give his name when signing up, everyone just calls him Death), his crotchety old butler, Albert, his granddaughter Susan and a mysterious man who they don't even know (Teatime) on one team, and the other team... well, they're essentially mafia members. Things are going well, until mall Santas start being brutally murdered, one every day that an episode airs. Written in blood at the scenes of the crime are numbers, that when put together are coordinates to a place in northern Greenland. Now, the two teams must race against the clock to find out what lies at the center of the coordinates (Santa's workshop. I mean, what else would it be?) and stop an assassin (it's Teatime. Duh.) from permanently putting an end to Christmas. Anyway, there's an epic sword fight at some point and Teatime gets stabbed with a fireplace poker (he dies). Susan has to drag along the kids she babysits because their parents are in the Bahamas. Later on it turns out that Teatime and the mafia members were hired by Spirit Halloween so they can extend Halloween into December and sell more stuff. Susan at all times has three child leashes and they are for her teammates and not for the literal children. I'm so sorry for twisting your prompt so unrecognizably. I will do it again.