#man i feel bad making this post but i think i haven't been clear enough about this so here i am.

[theminecraftbee]

okay, so. let me be a bit clearer about why a lot of the stuff people have been suggesting i should do with lizzie in the joel persona au bothers me:

so like, it's not a great feeling to have a bunch of people are going "you should put lizzie in your au to be joel's dedicated love interest."

it's a problem with lizzie characterization in this fandom in general: SO OFTEN she is reduced to just being joel's wife or joel's dedicated love interest. and man, i like jizzie as much as the next guy, and maybe it's not my space to talk as someone who is much more of a joel main than a lizzie main, but it feels Bad. it feels Bad that very frequently the ONLY reason lizzie is in an au or a fic or something is because joel is there. because people see her as automatically coming with joel as a pair instead of like... as her own person to be involved in something by her own merits or not.

she has other traits! she does her own things! she doesn't just need to be here as joel's Cool Friend or joel's dedicated love interest! and she doesn't need to be here automatically because joel is, as though that's a requirement, either, because that starts to boil down to the same sort of "you see her as an extension of him" feeling. and i'm sure many people are just suggesting her to me because they really like her, and NOT because of this, but the number of un-posted "she should be a childhood friend of joel's" "what if she was the lovers" "what if she were this mysterious person joel has a crush on" "she should be his velvet room attendant"... you see how all of those are putting her in a role that is Inherently More About Joel? and i GET why you want her as a cameo and would be sad if she weren't, but like...

man. it just feels bad how often her ONLY character trait seems to be "joel has a crush on her", and i didn't want to contribute to that.

anyway i have come up with her cameo role that i think is funny but i am putting my foot down on "and her other important trait is of course that joel has a crush on her" because i just. this bothers me A LOT. and i know i'm one to talk given that i don't write her that often and given that, as i said, i like jizzie, but like, man. she's her own guy, guys. she's not solely part of a pair.

that's all i guess.

[kpopfanfictrash]

Elemental (M) Pt. 1

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Genre: Second Chance Romance / Modern Fantasy

Pairing: Jungkook / Reader (she/her)

Synopsis: Fear has never been a foreign concept to you. Your entire life has been shaped by the knowledge that you’re different, and fear of the stigma which might follow discovery. Although fire, earth, air and water Elementals have been public for decades, the fear-mongering around your kind hasn’t changed; something you have intimate knowledge of, having experienced it firsthand. Since then, you’ve done your best to hide your water powers. This is for your own safety, as your mom likes to say.

Safety flies out the window though, when you fall in love. Jeon Jungkook isn’t just any love, either, he’s the love. The person who makes you feel as though your darkest corners deserve to be seen. Unable to control your magic around him, you find yourself faced with a horrible fact: you need to break up.

A plan which proves difficult when Jungkook simply refuses to go. And maybe, just maybe, you find the constraints placed on yourself don’t make sense anymore.

Rating: 18+

Warnings: death of a parent (past), some emotional abuse

NSFW Warnings: oral (woman and man), multiple orgasms (woman), fingering, hand job, face-riding, sex outdoors (in a secluded, private area), very slight ass-play, breast play

Word Count: 17,287 (32,487 total)

Author's Note: Unfortunately, the new Tumblr text editor doesn't allow for more than 1,000 paragraphs per post. Part I is here, and Part II will be uploaded shortly. Please, please, please reblog both if possible! In my experience, engagement tends to be worse when split into two parts. (also, if you haven't already realized based on the premise, Y/N does break up with Jungkook in the first part of this fic lol so, if that's something you don't want to read; fair warning!)

[ Cross-posted to Wattpad here ]

Magic, to you, has never been a boon.

Despite its romanticization in movies and stories, the reality of magic is messy and unpredictable. As dangerous as it can be fickle, your mom likes to say. Usually followed by a glance in your direction, swift enough for you not to notice, although you always do.

Either that, or an unconscious tilt her chin towards the photograph on the mantle. You aren’t sure she even realizes she does it, acting on instinct alone. The photo is of your dad, holding you on his shoulders with an ear-to-ear grin. He was the other Elemental in your family.

Even with only one magical parent, the Elemental gene tends to be passed on to children. Your dad’s magic was water, skilled in manipulating and calling forth the element. He was lauded for it, which was in itself unusual. More often, Elementals are run out of town by other humans. Although time has gone by since societal integration, there are still many who view your kind with suspicion.

You can’t say that you blame them – not really. Because again, the reality of magic is it can be dangerous. Based on experience, bad things tend to happen when you lose control.

Head tilted, you squint through the fog at your boyfriend’s apartment. For centuries, fog has been heralded as an ill omen and maybe there’s some degree of truth to it. Maybe the first speaker lived near a temperamental water Elemental, unable to keep their emotions from manipulating the weather.

Thoughts souring at how close to reality this feels, you shake your head once and some of the fog clears.

A pep talk, you think. That’s what you need to convince yourself to enter. Unseasonably chilly this late in the summer, your fingers curl into the ends of your sweater. Going inside would be preferrable to standing out in the cold, and yet you can’t manage a single step.

Better to stand in the cold than enter and shatter.

Again, you remind yourself you’re doing the right thing and again, this doesn’t help. If anything, it makes you clutch your sweater tighter. For once, you wish doing the right thing meant what’s right for you. Exhaling deeply, your eyes shut as a train passes and shakes the ground.

You began dating Jungkook three months ago and within a week, you knew it was different. You have a tendency to hide pieces of yourself, knowing most people won’t like what they find. Jungkook never allowed that to happen. The first time you ghosted, he showed up at your favorite coffee shop the next morning and asked what had gone wrong. Taken aback, you responded honestly and to your surprise, Jungkook listened.

He stayed. Stayed when others had run, cementing himself on a short list of people you can trust. Three months into dating, things have moved at once fast and slow. Fast because typically, you exit relationships long before feelings like these ones develop. Slow, because you haven’t given Jungkook every part of yourself.

Physical intimacy comes to mind. On several occasions, this has proved… difficult.

Eyes opening, you stare at the door. Memories of last night rise to the surface. For a long time, you’ve known this relationship has an end date. Knowing this doesn’t prepare you for the difficult conversation ahead.

The last time you saw Jungkook was after midnight. Fat raindrops chased your footsteps while you ran from his place, descending the subway at a record pace. The look on his face remains stuck in your mind and even now, you find the thought hard to revisit.

Imagining hurting Jungkook again is unfathomable. Stifling a gasp, you spin on your heel and march away. Halfway to the gate, you get a grip on yourself. Coming to a stop, you remind yourself this isn’t about you. Jungkook will hate you – there’s nothing to do about that now. Now, this is about Jungkook and ensuring he’s safe.

Slowly, you turn around and make your way forward. In the name of procrastination, you stop at a trash can to clean out your purse. Old receipts, gum wrappers and a crumpled-up napkin shake into the bin. You pause at the napkin, staring at the embossed name of the restaurant you work at. Or – more accurately – worked at.

Slamming the trash lid, you turn. You began work at Pierre’s Bistro two months ago as a temporary measure. Ideally, you paint but lately, inspiration has run dry. Waiting tables pays the bills, leaving time at the end of the day to stare at a blank canvas.

Pierre’s is an upscale French restaurant a few blocks down with semi-decent food and waiting tables would be fine if the owner – Pierre – weren’t a massive asshole. Now that you don’t work there, you can be honest about that. Pierre was the most sexist, elitist, capitalistic piece of shit you’ve ever had the displeasure of working for. While on his payroll, you tried to make the best of it but now, you have nothing to lose. Pierre was a dick.

A point he proved yet again last night, much to your mortification. You prefer working the lunch shift to dinner, and weekdays to weekends. Saturday nights are worst of all, and last night Pierre didn’t arrive until well after six. You were forced to cover the entire front section, picking up for a co-worker who called in sick.

Rushing from the bar, you nearly crashed into your boss removing his coat. Grabbing you by the elbow, Pierre steadied you, his hand lingering.

“Whoa, where’s the fire?” he joked.

You forced a smile. Experience has taught you the best thing to do in those types of situations is to smile and laugh.

“No fire. Lots of customers! Excuse me,” you said and tried to move past.

Pierre didn’t release you. If anything, his grip on you tightened until you turned your head.

“Yes?” you said, impatient.

Pierre didn’t respond, looking you slowly up and down. Eventually, he released you to take a step backwards. “Nothing,” he said carefully. “Be careful out there tonight.”

Trying not to gag on his words, you moved on. Unfortunately, it was hard to escape Pierre’s notice once caught. From that point on, each of your flaws were held under a microscope. First, it was that you didn’t fold the napkins correctly. Next, you took a wandering path from kitchen to table. Each time you entered the dining room, scornful words were covered by simpering smiles.

By the time your shift end approached, you could barely keep going. A large group had entered and, seeing the host occupied, you took it upon yourself to seat them at your last table. Fixing your apron, you hurried through the restaurant and into the kitchen.

Grabbing another table’s dishes, you thanked the cook and pushed open the door. Immediately, arms shoved you back in. Startled, you barely had time to recognize the host, Vanessa, before the doors swung shut.

“Vanessa?” you said, adjusting your grip. “What’s going on?”

Harried, she glanced over one shoulder. “Sorry,” she sighed, curly hair slipping from her messy bun. “I wanted to warn you before you went back out. Pierre is pissed.”

Your stomach sank. “Pissed… at me?”

She nodded, another dark curl escaping. “Something about saving the table up front for his friends? Bullshit, yes,” she said at your expression. “But you know how he is.”

“Yeah, I know,” you muttered. Deciding there was nothing to be done but keep moving, you hefted your plates higher. “Okay, thanks for the warning. I need to get these to table ten.”

“No problem,” she said and stepped out of your way.

You walked inside with slightly less spring in your step. Pierre lounged near the bar, surrounded by a group of people you could only assume to be friends. Although you felt his gaze on your face, you avoided him the best you could while you made your rounds. Taking the long way to the kitchen, you passed in front of the window.

Which was the moment you noticed Jungkook waiting for you on the curb. He stood beneath a streetlight, light pooling around the ends of his dark hair. When he saw you approach, his face lit up and he smiled.

Cursing beneath your breath, you smiled back. You were supposed to be done a half-hour ago, but there hadn’t been a good time yet to stop. Waving back, you mouthed, just a minute, and frantically pushed through the crowd to the back.

Merely seeing his face lifted a weight from your chest. It was easy to be around Jungkook because he liked every part of you. You never felt the urge to pretend, to curve yourself into something someone else would find pleasurable.

Well, he liked every part except one – and you were working on telling him that.

Hurrying into the staff room, you forgot your plan to avoid Pierre. You nearly jumped a mile when a hand grabbed your elbow, spinning you to face your fuming manager.

Pierre stared down his nose. “Follow me,” he snapped, releasing your arm to spin around.

He passed tables full of patrons, leading you to the bar before turning. “Y/N,” Pierre said, his voice dropping. “Are things okay tonight?”

“Yes,” you responded, deciding one-word answers were safest.

“Then why, exactly, are you fucking this up?”

Your jaw tensed. “I wasn’t aware I was doing so,” you said carefully.

“The napkins?” Pierre made a tsk-ing sound. “How many times should I say that presentation is important? Not to mention your laziness. One of your tables had to flag me down to ask for a refill. And now, you gave away the front table.” His expression darkened. “What makes you think you, a fucking waitress, can step in for a host? You sat someone at the table I personally reserved for my friends!”

You shouldn’t have responded. You should have stayed quiet and yet –

“There was no name in the book,” you muttered.

“What’s that?” Pierre waited and, when you stayed silent, shook his head. “I hadn’t had time to write their name down, but I told Vanessa, who assured me it’d happen. Of course, she wasn’t taking into consideration Y/N, the wonder waitress! Taking everyone’s jobs and making them harder.”

At your sides, your hands balled into fists. It took a greater amount of concentration than normal to keep your emotions from spilling over.

Of course, there were explanations for Pierre’s accusations. The napkins were correct before he jostled the table. You had been circulating your tables and if you were unavailable, it was because of his poor staffing. Oh, and – he didn’t make a reservation for his friends.

Slowly, you exhaled and stuffed down the responses. Deep down, with other emotions and magic. Beyond Pierre, a glass trembled but once you relaxed, the water went still.

“I apologize,” you said, not meeting his gaze. “I’ll do better next time.”

Pierre sniffed. “See that you do,” he said, brushing past. Grabbing a beer from the bar, you heard his friends burst into raucous laughter. Apparently, your humiliation was entertaining.

Heaving a small sigh, you turned – and froze where you stood.

Outside, Jungkook stared into the restaurant with murderous eyes. Too late, you realized Pierre had pulled you in front of the window. Away from anyone dining, but in full view of anyone on the sidewalk. Like your boyfriend, who witnessed the entire spectacle.

For a moment, your emotions overwhelmed, and you felt magic crack the walls you kept hidden. Embarrassment crept past your boundaries. Humiliation. Fury. Stuffing everything back, you quickly turned to rush through the tables.

Jungkook’s gaze snapped towards you, his brow furrowing. Reaching the staff room, you paced up and down. Jungkook saw you. He saw Pierre’s outburst, which meant you’d have to explain. You’d have to explain to Jungkook – the only person whose opinion you cared about – why you allowed other people to walk all over you.

He’d start to ask questions. Questions like, when was the last time you really got mad? You’d have no good response. Not because you don’t get mad, because you do. But because you don’t ever allow yourself to act on the feeling.

Faced with the prospect of brushing him off, you buried your face in both hands. Your usual excuses wore thin in your ears.

Pierre isn’t so bad. It was a one-time thing. You promise you’ll talk to Pierre tomorrow.

None of it would be true, and you didn’t want to lie to Jungkook. People never understood why you wouldn’t stand up for yourself, but the answer was complicated.

Your last date said you lacked emotions, but you don’t think that’s it. Of course, you have feelings, but those feelings are buried beneath so many layers, they can be hard to see. It’s not that you don’t feel, it’s that you cannot.

When you feel, your magic reacts, and people get hurt.

That was the last part of yourself you kept hidden. Jungkook is normal and he doesn’t know you’re an Elemental.

You know that by now, you should have said something. Obviously, but the timing was never right. Twenty-five years old, and you still aren’t sure how to broach the conversation. Few people know what you are, so you haven’t had much experience with the explanation. Your magic isn’t something you use if you can help it.

Yet another lesson you learned from your mom.

Your dad, an Elemental, died when you were five. Before, you lived near the ocean on a flat strip of sand. Your memories from before then are faint, but whenever you try, you can hear his booming laugh. Can feel the salt sting your cheeks, your mom tossing you in the air while you spun around.

Everything afterwards faded. At five years old, a hurricane swept past the barrier islands and that, you remember. You recall your mom at the door, pleading with your dad not to go as he donned his jacket. You remember him holding her hand, kissing the top of your head, and saying he’d return soon. Not many Elementals lived in your area, and even fewer had water magic.

You recall the hours passing, stretching longer and longer until dawn approached. Flashing lights followed, a woman climbing from her car to speak to your mom. You recall the sound of your mom sobbing, the policewoman’s voice floating into the house.

The storm surge was stronger than expected, but your dad managed to divert the worst. He saved the town only to be hit by a bolt of lightning. Instant death, the policewoman said, her tone implying this might be a comfort. Chest tight, your fingertips dug into the railing. Comfort meant nothing when your dad was gone. The irony struck you even back then – your dad saved others, and no one came to save him.

For weeks following, your mom was a ghost. At first, neighbors stopped by to drop off casseroles and condolences. Soon though, their sympathy stopped, and the whispers began. You were young enough not to notice, too consumed by the enormity of your own loss.

Eventually though, you noticed something was off. Suspicious eyes followed you down the sidewalk. Mothers clutched at their children, hurrying them to the side of an empty street. One day, you traipsed downstairs and overheard your mom on the phone.

She sat at the kitchen table, facing away from the staircase. You paused on the landing, listening to your aunt’s voice blast on speakerphone.

“Nonsense,” she was saying. “Your husband was a hero, and anyone saying otherwise is cracked. He saved your town!”

“I know.” Your mom blew her nose. “But now, people are wondering if he caused the storm. They’re saying maybe he… made the hurricane. It’s this new mayor,” she said, frustrated. “He hates Elementals and keeps insisting our family orchestrated this to collect money. He says –”

“Oh, no.” Your aunt sounded furious. “Don’t you repeat a single word that hateful man says.”

“He has a point, though,” your mom said, her voice low. “Did you hear about Uniontown? A fire Elemental accidentally set their barn on fire. Nearly burned the whole town. Magic is dangerous. I tried to warn him, but he wouldn’t listen, and now –”

“When was the last time your husband lost control, though? Are you saying you think he caused a hurricane?”

“God, no!” You watched your mom straighten. “But there are people saying… awful things.”

“Some people aren’t worth listening to.”

“I know.” Wearily, she exhaled. “They’re talking about Y/N, too, though. Apparently, she caused a tidal wave at the pool last weekend.”

Hearing your name said out loud, you shrank back in the shadows. You weren’t aware your mom knew about that, or that she cared. Bobby Clemmons teased Judith Bryce about her hair until finally, you snapped. Bobby was swept to the other end of the pool, much to Judith’s relief. She thanked you repeatedly.

Bobby was fine, except for some water up his nose. From the way he carried on though, you’d have thought he broke his arm.

Your mother lowered her voice, as though magic was something to be mentioned only in whispers. For the first time, a sense of shame crept over you. Your dad had always been open about magic, though stern. Stern in his belief magic should help people, not hurt. Never once did your dad insinuate magic itself was the problem.

Magic is dangerous.

Your mom’s words on the phone sank in as, your head pounding as you turned around to run up the steps. Even at six, you felt panic. If magic was dangerous and you were magical – that meant you were dangerous, too.

Slipping beneath your comforter, you stared at your shaking hands. Rain hit your windows, snowballing your worry to full-on fear. By the time your mom rushed upstairs, you were rocking under the covers as a storm raged.

She helped to calm you down, got your magic under control and a month after, you moved far away from the sea. A version of yourself vanished as you passed the pier. Despite this, you felt instant relief at the thought of control.

You remember your mom smiling when you joined the highway. “This will be good,” she said, her voice cracking slightly. “A fresh start, away from it all. You can be whoever you want to be, Y/N.”

Except for the person you actually were.

Her meaning was clear, even if she didn’t say it out loud. At the time, you found the thought soothing. If you didn’t want to use magic, you didn’t have to. You never had to become your dad, who all your friends said had caused the bad storm. Even the news had turned against you.

Earth Elemental suspected behind San Raoul earthquake!

Jailed air Elemental claims innocence against onslaught of tornadoes!

Fire Elementals flee after string of arson!

Always the exclamation point. Always the lurid fascination that blame could be pinned on a single person. New rules were implemented in the house. No magic, except in your mom’s presence. This soon became no magic at all, but you didn’t mind. Whenever you did use magic, it felt wild, chaotic – the opposite of how you wanted to feel.

Your early years were marked by the struggle to conceal your powers. Years passed without incident and then, something would happen, and you’d have to move. Your mom never begrudged you, simply packed the house to travel to the next city. Each time, you promised you’d do better but by the time you realized school wasn’t for you, you had moved no less than six times.

Art was a risk, though one you found necessary.

Creation meant tapping into emotion, but you found methods of coping. Painting was the only place you loosened the reins on your magic, and so it became an outlet of sorts. A release, preventing your emotions from spilling into unwanted places.

There were other strategies, as well. Deep breathing. Counting backwards from one hundred. Focusing on one point, then on another until the magic calmed in your veins. Until you forgot the dangerous and destructive water around you.

Some people proved more reactionary to you than others. With some people, your magic responded so strongly, you were forced to cut them out completely. The first person this happened with was your best friend, Katrina. You were fourteen when she confided in you her family was fire Elementals. In response, your magic surged.

For a glorious summer, you practiced magic in secret. Each morning, you and Katrina bounded through the woods towards the far creek. You summoned great waves of water for Katrina to singe into mist. Everything was fine until late one evening, your mom caught you. She witnessed the combined magic and lost her temper.

Dragging you from the woods, your mom slammed the front door in Katrina’s face. She sat you down at the kitchen table, delivering a scolding you’ve never forgotten.

Do you know how reckless you were? What if a tree had caught fire? What if you altered the town’s water supply? What if someone saw and the next time a disaster happened, they blamed it on you – or Katrina?

Stricken by these very real possibilities, you promised not to do it again. Although you begged not to move, your mom packed the next day – your fastest exit ever.

The second time you cut someone out was after high school. Elliot was an artist, a quiet guy who dabbled with oils. He saw you painting one day in the park and silently set up his easel beside yours. This happened for weeks until he asked you out. Your ensuing romance was brief and sweet, and your feelings grew within a short period of time.

When Elliot told you he loved you, you dissolved into panic. You could feel how your magic responded, reaching for water that surged through his tiny apartment. Tossing on clothes, you stammered apologies and fled into the night.

For weeks following, it rained. Enough for the reporters to forecast local flooding. The fact terrified you – imagining people trapped on top of cars, small businesses flooded, the Red Cross called in to ferry locals to safety. It took your mom flying out to put you at ease, clearing the skies and regaining control.

Since then, you haven’t let anyone else past your inner walls. Until Jungkook.

Swallowing hard, you stare at his apartment and wonder if you’ll survive. Breaking up with Elliot is one of your worst memories and you only felt a fraction of what you do for Jungkook. Maybe you’ll conjure a hurricane, bringing the events of your life full circle.

Shutting your eyes, you rub at them dully. There’s no point in wondering what-if. You need to end it now, before things get worse. All day, you’ve gone over the facts and arrived at the same conclusion.

As expected, Jungkook was livid about Pierre last night. He wanted to confront your boss himself, although quickly backed off when he realized this was your battle. This though, turned to confusion when you said your intent to do nothing.

Although you tried the usual excuses, none of them stuck. Even if it was just once, Jungkook argued, it shouldn’t go unnoticed. You snapped slightly at this, insisting you’d deal with things in your own time.

Getting angry near Jungkook was peculiar. Suddenly, you became aware of the water around you. Thick, leaden pipes lacing Jungkook’s walls. Moisture that hung in the air, in the clouds – within his very veins. The thought terrified you, wondering what you might do accidentally.

Your panic must have been visible, because Jungkook instantly softened. Crossing the room, he pulled you into his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured into your hair. “It’s just… I hate seeing you hurt. Of course, you know what’s best. I’m sorry I doubted you.”

His grip grounded you, enough that your magic dissipated, and that you realized a truth you’d hidden for some time.

You were in love with Jungkook.

No one in your life had ever been like him. Someone who was always in your corner, who protected you when they could and lifted up parts they couldn’t. Someone who liked everything about you – even the parts you weren’t brave enough to admit.

Studying his face, you tried to ignore the sudden ache in your chest. Even last night, you knew the inevitable. Memorizing his face, you tried hard to hold on. Jungkook’s slightly rounded nose, his full bottom lip accentuated by two piercings. Dark hair fell over his forehead; strong features contrasted by a soft gaze.

Jungkook watched you as well, and you wondered if he felt the same. Wondered why he’d commit you to memory, since you were the lucky one. He was the miracle, and you were biding your time.

Bending, he lightly brushed your mouth against his. Instantly, you melted. It wasn’t your first kiss and prayed it wouldn’t be the last, but something about last night felt different. Walking the two of you backwards, Jungkook pressed you against the wall and kissed you harder. His touch became desperate, one hand sliding beneath the lines of your blouse.

Your breath hitched at the brush of his fingers, delicious and warm against skin. His touch unknotted a hidden, tangled piece of your soul.

Ever since you met Jungkook, you’d held yourself separate. When you asked him to go slow in the beginning, he agreed. Touching was fine. Kissing was fine. Anything more, and you lost control.

About a month into dating, you met Jungkook at a bar and got tipsy. Three drinks in, you were frantically making out in an alley outside. Jungkook panted, “my place?” against your mouth, and you nodded. The journey back to his place was fast and slow, pausing in every dark place to drag his mouth to yours.

The second his door shut, you found yourself stumbling – into his bedroom, his bed, the confines of his heart. Shoes were discarded with every step, and Jungkook couldn’t seem to keep his hands to himself. You returned his fervor in spades, nipping his lower lip to watch him smile.

When he fell back on the bed, you saw his pulse quicken. Staring up at you, Jungkook watched your clothing disappear with a gaze so dark, it bordered on onyx. Climbing onto him, you resumed kissing with a newfound reverence. Eyes falling shut, you did your best to stay present.

Each brush of his lips was combustive, each touch of his hands filling you with sharp, pulsing light. And then –

The sink and shower in his bathroom burst on.

Startled, you pulled away and realized it had been you. Your magic had caused it, flooding his bathroom with water. Swearing under his breath, Jungkook scrambled out of bed to hastily turn off both faucets.

You sat there on his bed, heart pounding with fear. By the time he returned, you were already dressed and mortified. Jungkook was all apologies, certain he’d moved too fast, but you assured him he hadn’t. Anything that happened, you were an equal participant – too much maybe, although you didn’t say so out loud.

Lying in bed that night, you stared up at your ceiling. For a moment, it felt as though you were six and under the covers at your old house. Magic was dangerous. You would eventually hurt someone. Dread pooled in your stomach, recognizing the truth. If you couldn’t control your magic around Jungkook, you’d have to end things.

Heartache chased the thought, filling you with so much panic, you nearly drowned. Pushing this aside, you simply resolved to do better. To be better and keep both Jungkook and magic. This was simply another challenge; you owned your magic, not the other way around.

Thus, began the two best and worst months of your life. The best, since you’ve been dating Jungkook and the worst, because at every moment, you’re terrified of hurting him. Walking a line as thin as a razor, you’ve fallen in love while trying your best not to feel.

Until last night, you thought you’d been successful. Life was mostly under control, but then the Pierre debacle took place. Then Jungkook kissed you with such intensity, you forgot who you were and why you’d been holding back. Two long months of restraint and suddenly, you came undone at the seams.

Before long, you were again in his bedroom. Jungkook stripped off his clothes, bare skin pressing to yours with a searing intensity. Pulling you over him, a low hiss escaped while he kissed your throat. Even through his boxers, you could feel how hard Jungkook was. How badly he wanted this; a need you returned.

The thought of him inside you made you frantic. Pushing Jungkook onto his back, you straddled his waist and rocked forward.

Jungkook lay underneath you, his hair a dark halo. Suddenly, you could feel water everywhere. Magic, everywhere – it was in you, around you, in Jungkook’s walls and molecules. Everything felt so utterly fragile, and your magic responded.

Ferocious, it strained at your self-crafted bonds. Realizing how precarious your grasp on control was, your emotions slipped into panic.

You had to leave. Now.

Sensing the change in your body, Jungkook paused.

“I – I’m sorry,” you blurted, scrambling off him. Bending for your pants, you pushed one leg through and hastily zipped. “I need to go.”

Jungkook stared, frozen in place. “I…” Shaking his head, he pushed a hand through his hair. “What’s going on? Did I do something wrong?”

Stomach dropping, you roughly shook your head. Part of you ached to correct him but your magic was barely leashed, and you weren’t certain how much longer it’d hold.

Your magic wasn’t something you wanted Jungkook to see.

Frantically throwing on your shirt, you rushed towards his front door. His dog, Bam, whined from the couch and lifted his head as you passed. Yanking open his door, you escaped to the hall and downstairs. You heard Jungkook call after, but he didn’t follow, for which you were grateful.

Remembering his face broke your heart as you entered the subway. You kept your magic at bay until reaching your building, at which point rain swept the city in waves. Soaked through, you got in the elevator and saw Jungkook had texted. Shaking, you responded you’d talk to him tomorrow and turned off your phone.

Rain poured all night and you barely slept. By the time you woke, your mood had gotten worse. Work was torture. Even the lunch shift couldn’t save you, the looming specter of Jungkook impossible to forget. When Pierre showed up around one, you knew you were doomed. His glower could be felt all the way across the restaurant and no matter what you did, you somehow stayed in his way.

With little to no sleep and haunted by last night, the grip on your magic was tentative at best. Your entire shift, it hovered at the edge of your fingers. When Pierre commented you looked tired, the rain outside worsened. When a table of middle-aged men called you ‘girlie,’ their water glasses shook.

It was miraculous nothing happened until the end of your shift. That was the moment Pierre’s friends arrived, seating themselves at the table you gave away last night. One of them laughed as you poured them water, and you managed to push down your snide remark.

Glasses full, you turned around to go and the same one grabbed your waist.

You went still.

For so long, you’ve hidden your magic to protect others. You’ve kept them from hurting and there you were, broken, and no one cared about you. Just like no one cared about your dad, in the end. Teeth gritted, you whirled – and the entire water pitcher dumped itself at him.

At him, not on him.

You didn’t trip. Didn’t throw the water, although either would have been preferrable. Instead, the water leapt from the pitcher to slap the man in the face.

Horrified, you stared as reality sunk in. You had just assaulted a guest – a friend of Pierre’s, at that.

Shocked, the man wiped water down his visage. The entire restaurant fell silent, every eye in the room locked on you. Panic-stricken, you stammered an apology, flung a napkin on the table and fled into the kitchen.

The moment you crashed through the doors, you were hailed a hero. Izumi, your line cook, wistfully recalled the one time she punched a guy who grabbed her ass. Georgina added that once, she spit in the drink of a man who called her a bitch.

Both tactfully avoided the fact that you were an Elemental, which you appreciated. You were starting to feel marginally better – maybe you wouldn’tbe fired, after all – when the door to the kitchen swung open and Pierre stormed through. Seeing his face, your heart sank.

“You!” Spittle flew from his lips as he pointed. “Y/N – pack your things! You’re done here. Fired. You think you can insult my friend, pull some magic bullshit on him, and continue to work here? Fuck that. Get out – now!”

A pin could have been heard in the silence. Coming to your senses, you did exactly as asked and got your things. Pierre hadn’t mentioned pressing charges, and you didn’t want to stick around long enough to find out.

Outside, you stood on the sidewalk and stared at the bus stop. Storm clouds brewed above, a visualization of your inner turmoil. Eventually, you turned and trudged down the subway.

Things had reached a point you couldn’t ignore anymore. You were beyond out of control. Emotions surged and strained against your internal walls, threatening everyone you held dear. The city didn’t deserve to be punished, even if no one within it knew of your sacrifice. Pierre’s friends were awful, but you could’ve just as easily lost your temper with someone you loved.

Someone like Jungkook, whom you couldn’t seem to be around without incident.

That was the reason most people feared Elementals. It was selfish of you to put your desires ahead of another person’s safety. The only way to protect someone you loved was to stay away.

Starting with Jungkook. You just wished he didn’t have to get hurt in order for that to happen.

Standing outside his building, you take a deep breath and press the buzzer. You wait for several long moments, wondering if he’s home and then –

“Hello?” Jungkook’s voice crackles over the speaker.

Leaning in, you press 316. “Hey. It’s me. Y/N.”

A weighted pause, and then –

“Come in.”

The door unlocks, and you push it inside. Climbing the steps to his place, your heart starts to pound. The last time you saw Jungkook, you were running away. The last text he sent was, ‘ok,’ in response to your message. If you were Jungkook, you wouldn’t be thrilled to see you.

Coming to a stop outside 316, you lift your hand and knock. A howl responds, followed by the patter of gigantic dog footsteps. Unable to stop your smile, you shake your head at the chaos.

“It’s just me, Bam!” you say, and he stops.

Bam’s howl is replaced with a whine and the sharp thwack-thwack of his tail on the door.

“Bam, out of the way,” Jungkook calls, his voice coming closer. A few seconds later, the door flies open to reveal your boyfriend.

You only catch a glimpse before Bam barrels out, nearly knocking you over. Legs and tail akimbo, he slobbers all over until you bend to pet him. Once satisfied, Bam turns around and trots back inside.

Silence falls between you, and you look up to see Jungkook. He’s dressed casually, sweatpants and a t-shirt bought at a concert you attended. He hasn’t moved aside, blocking you from entering.

Uncertain, you straighten. “Can I come in?”

Slowly, he nods and moves. You walk past him, trying not to focus on the heat of his shoulder. This might be the last time you see Jungkook, so you try to focus on that. Not the prospect of what you’re about to do.

Hearing the door shut, you take a deep breath and turn to face him. “I can’t stay too long,” you admit, digging your nails into the palms of your hands.

Jungkook regards you warily. His expression makes your chest ache, unused to him with such a stern expression. After last night, you suppose it’s earned. You should probably get used to it.

“Y/N.” His jaw works. “What’s going on?”

Deciding honesty is the best policy – up to a point – you force out your next words. “I think we should break up,” you say in a rush.

With a low whine, Bam slinks in the direction of the bedroom. Jungkook glances at him, distracted, before facing forward.

“What do you mean?” His head tilts. “Like, you want to take a break?”

Steeling yourself, you shake your head. “No. As in, I want to break up. Permanently.”

A train passes by the building, rumbling the floorboards underneath. Most people would avoid living in this building for that reason, but Jungkook was overjoyed by the prospect of discounted rent.

He doesn’t seem overjoyed now, though. Instead, he looks stricken.

“Walk me through this,” Jungkook says, walking closer. The set of his mouth has turned stubborn. “I don’t follow. Why are we breaking up again?”

The knot in your chest tightens. You should have known Jungkook wouldn’t make this easy on you. “We’re not good together,” you say, only to correct yourself. “I mean, I’m not good for you. I’m not in a place where I can be in a relationship.”

He comes to a stop. “I can wait, Y/N. I don’t mind.”

Reaching for you, Jungkook’s brows crease when you take a step backwards. His hand falls between you, and he stares at the empty space. The crack in your heart widens, made worse by his silence.

“I mind, though,” you force yourself to say. “I can’t ask you to wait for me, Jungkook. That’s not fair to either of us. It’s too much pressure.”

The words make your heart splinter, reaching a point you aren’t sure can be reassembled. Maybe the pieces will simply lodge in your muscle, bruising your insides each time you draw breath.

“I won’t pressure you,” Jungkook says, automatic. His frown deepens. “Tell me what this is really about, Y/N. Is this about sex? It’s fine if we don’t have it.” Stepping closer, he takes your hand and you let him. “I just want you to be honest with me.”

Somewhat manic, you shake your head – and then nod.

Sex is a part of the problem, but it’s not the root cause. Sex with Jungkook is unthinkable. You can barely remain in control when you kiss, let alone allow more. With your past partners, this wasn’t an issue, but your past partners weren’t Jungkook.

Never have you met someone able to scramble your thoughts with a kiss. Whose gaze melted inhibitions and tore down every wall. You have little doubt that with Jungkook, you’d lose full control, and the thought is terrifying. Already, your makeshift barriers are weakened.

Rain splatters against the window, and your stomach lurches.

“Seriously, Y/N,” Jungkook says, returning your attention to him. “What’s this about? I can tell something’s on your mind.”

He takes your other hand, and you realize how close he stands. “Is it work?” Jungkook asks, a crease between brows. “Is there… some reason you can’t quit? You can tell me, Y/N.”

An odd zing of disappointment goes through you. For a moment, you thought Jungkook had guessed your secret, and this could all be avoided. If Jungkook knew what you were and that you lied to him – well, he’d end things for you. Hesitant, you consider revealing that truth but can’t seem to form words. It would devastate you, seeing fear replace love in his eyes.

“Work isn’t the problem,” you say at last. “It’s us, Jungkook. Or – it’s me. I don’t want to be together anymore.”

Disbelief flashes across his expression, and you idly wonder what will happen if Jungkook refuses. Even as you think this though, his expression shifts. Jungkook takes a careful step backwards, dropping your hands entirely.

He’s never been good at hiding emotion. Jungkook is your opposite in that way, revealing every shift of thought and desire. You watch confusion become anger, then bitterness a moment before he turns away. The set of his shoulders is still, staring out the window as yet another train passes.

Restless, he turns to drag a hand through his hair. “I don’t believe you,” he declares. “This is so out of nowhere, Y/N. What aren’t you telling me?”

“I’m telling you everything,” you say, panic rising. “And this isn’t out of nowhere! I’ve been telling you for months I need to take things slow and this – well, this is the opposite of slow, Jungkook!”

Jungkook stares back at you, heated. “Yeah, I guess so.”

The two of you stand there for a moment, the tension thick in between you. Eventually, you look away first and pull your bag tighter.

“Right,” you exhale. “Well, I should go –”

Striding forward, Jungkook reaches you to cup your face with both palms. Gently, he lifts your face towards him, and all thoughts cease completely. Gaze searching, his breath fans across your parted lips.

Jungkook’s gaze intensifies. “I don’t believe you,” he murmurs.

Adrenaline zips under your skin, stirring your magic into a deadly storm. Entire body tense, you suppress the urge to fight or flee. So often, you’re the one running but right now, you feel more compelled to fight.

A knife in you twists, knowing you’re a coward. If you were stronger, you could keep Jungkook. No matter how understanding he is, the fact remains that if he stays with you, Jungkook remains in danger. Each passing day only worsens the pain.

His face blurs. With a start of surprise, you realize there are tears on your cheeks. The furrow between Jungkook’s brows deepens, noticing as well.

“You’re not listening,” you blurt. “I can’t see you any longer, Jungkook. It’s in your best interest, I promise – I can’t do this. It’s too much.”

Reaching up, you remove his hands from your face and head for the door.

Jungkook follows close behind. “Which is it, then?” he demands. “You want me to go slowly, or you feel too much?”

Pressure weighs every inch of your skin, demanding you answer. Anything that comes out now will only make things harder. Reaching the door, you feel Jungkook’s hand on your shoulder. Caving, you don’t fight when Jungkook turns you to face him.

He’s too close to you. Too much and too close, his one hand sliding to cup the back of your neck. Slowly, his thumb strokes the elongated line of your throat. You swallow, hard, and his gaze follows the motion.

Jungkook’s gaze flicks to yours. “You keep saying you’re no good for me,” he says, his voice low. “But what if I don’t care? Don’t I get a say in this decision?”

The force of holding in your magic worsens, becoming near impossible. Hastily built walls threaten to collapse, and reality blurs between one moment and the next.

“I’m sorry,” you blurt, your hand searching behind you. “I have to go.”

Finding the doorknob, you twist and stumble backwards. Jungkook watches you go, the look on his face physically painful as you turn around. Each second that follows is pure concentration, trying not to break before getting outside.

The ocean is only a few blocks from Jungkook’s apartment.

Reaching the harbor, rain pelts your face in a way that feels punishing. Magic makes your limbs tremble, escaping your body in wisps of fog and rain. The moment you arrive at the harbor, you shatter, collapsing forward to grip your knees with both hands.

Eyes pressed tightly shut, you hear the storm howl. Waves churn the harbor, sloshing over the sidewalk in an attempt to get closer. No tidal waves, you plead in an attempt at reason. No whirlpools, no water spouts.

Your magic listens in this regard, at least. By the time your eyes open, a curtain of rain mingles with tears on your cheeks. Staring out at the ocean, each inch of your body is numb.

Jungkook will never forgive you for this.

The thought banishes all the rest. You can’t say that you blame him. Slowly, you exhale as you lift your gaze. The chasm in your chest widens, becoming something unbreachable. This is all your fault. You wish there was some satisfaction in knowing this, but there isn’t.

Eventually, the rain dulls, and you push yourself upright. Your sneakers squish with every step, the silence all-encompassing as you ride on the subway. Entering the building, you remove your shoes and collapse on your bed, fully clothed. Thankfully, your roommate isn’t home, so you aren’t forced to explain the events of tonight. Seokjin would have wanted to discuss, and you aren’t sure you can without breaking down.

Burrowing your face into the pillows, you manage to cry yourself asleep. Rain doesn’t let up the entire night.

“Tell me again.” Taking a seat at the table, Seokjin spoons yogurt and berries into his mouth. “Why did you have to end things with your boyfriend?”

Cracking open one eye, you glare from where you sit, slumped forward. “You know why, Seokjin,” you grumble. “Not all of us can be air Elementals in perfect control of their magic.”

“You could be, though,” he says, pointing with his spoon. “If you put in like, five seconds of training and embraced your water powers instead of running away whenever things got bad.”

“I am not running.”

“No.” Seokjin lifts a brow. “You’re cowering, which is far less attractive.”

“I’m not cowering, either.” Scowling, you bury your head deeper into your arms. “I’m wallowing. Big difference.”

Scoffing, his spoon scrapes the bottom of the bowl. Pushing his chair back to stand, Seokjin heads for the sink and turns on the tap. The water itches a spot deep in your chest, almost taunting.

“I can’t be too hard on you, though,” Seokjin says as he cleans. “You did get fired and dumped in one day – that’s pretty rough.”

“Does it count as being dumped if I did the dumping?”

“I’ll allow it.” He opens the dishwasher. “But only because really, you didn’t want to break up with Jungkook. You’ve just convinced yourself the world is better off without you – something I highly disagree with, by the way, but can’t fault you for feeling. It’s too sad.”

“Thanks,” you mumble, and close your eyes.

Two days have gone by since your decision to end your relationship with Jungkook. It hasn’t been great, to put things mildly. On Monday, you barely left your room and rain poured from the sky. When you did enter the kitchen, the weather person on Channel 9 predicted local flooding.

Seokjin arrived from his business trip that night, took one look at your face and helped stop the storm. You sagged with relief, falling into a fitful round of sleep that only lasted three hours.

Seokjin is one of the few Elementals you know who embraces their power. Both his parents are air Elementals, and he was raised to take over their magical consulting business. Said business does well, leading Seokjin to own a gorgeous, three-bedroom apartment in the middle of the city. He got bored last winter, decided to post for a roommate and here you are. One of the few people in the city willing to room with an Elemental.

You don’t care what Seokjin does with his magic, although his laissez-faire attitude can occasionally be unnerving. You’ve lived your entire life with the assumption your existence is dangerous. All you need is a quick Google search to reinforce this fact. But then there’s Seokjin, living his life, seemingly none the worse for the wear.

He discovered your powers about a month into rooming together. Coming back from a trip, Seokjin opened the door to stare, slack-jawed, as plates washed themselves in the sink. Glancing up from your book at the table, you immediately sent two dishes crashing onto the floor.

Seokjin stared at this for a moment, then looked up. “You owe me new plates,” he declared and walked into his bedroom. After a moment, he popped his head out. “Hey – you think if we combined my wind and your water, we could create a waterspout but on land?”

“That’s… a tornado, Seokjin.”

“Right.” He slapped the doorframe once and disappeared. “Well, something to think about!”

Months later, Seokjin still doesn’t understand your avoidance of magic, but respects the decision enough to leave it alone. At least, until something like this happens and he’s again at a loss.

“Listen.”

Turning around, he shuts the dishwasher with his hip.

“Oh, no.” You grimace. “What now?”

Seokjin raises both hands. “Nothing, nothing. Far be it from me to comment on your mistakes. I’m sorry – did I say mistakes? I meant, ‘learned life experience.’ Through mistakes.”

“Was there a question in all that?”

“No question.” Loosely, he gestures. “Just wanted to say you can stay here, rent-free, until you figure this out. You know I’m only taking your money because you insist. I don’t need it. This place is already paid for.”

“Only because you frightened the seller so badly, they cut the price in half.”

“Listen.” Seokjin’s smile turns slightly sinister. “If they were willing to let their ingrained fear of Elementals influence their selling point, that’s on them. Not me.”

“Fair enough,” you sigh and sit back. “But seriously – thank you. This will give me some time to come up with a plan.”

Seokjin nods, tracing the rim of his coffee. Absently, he glances down the hall at the empty third bedroom. “You know…”

“No,” you say, automatic.

His right brow lifts. “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

“You were going to suggest I use this time off to work on my art.”

“Okay.” Seokjin shrugs. “Maybe you did know. But seriously, Y/N – why not?”

Weary, you exhale. “Because every time I try to paint, I get this… block. I can’t explain it. Watercolors used to be the one place I felt comfortable using my magic. Now… I don’t know. I can’t seem to use my magic anywhere. Even my art.”

Seokjin tilts his head, thoughtful. “How long has this been going on?”

“Don’t know – a few months?”

“Not long after you started dating Jungkook.”

Staring at Seokjin, you realize he’s right. That’s exactly around when you began dating Jungkook. The block happened not long after. Thinking about the early days of dating are painful though, and so you choose not to.

“I don’t want to talk about him,” you declare with a shake of your head. “Right now, what I need is a job. And to earn money. Preferably in that order.”

Seokjin’s lips twitch. “Let me know if the order changes. I know a guy.”

Before you can consider his offer too seriously, your phone rings on the table. Glancing down, your heart constricts at your mom’s name. It isn’t that you don’t want to talk. It’s that if you do, Jungkook’s name will come up, and you’ll be forced to explain why you two aren’t together. Right now, you’re managing to cope by avoiding the topic. You aren’t sure what will happen if you’re forced to confront it.

Not to mention the very real possibility your mom will be happy. She liked Jungkook, but she always worries whenever someone new enters your life.

Also glancing at your phone, Seokjin scowls. “Don’t answer it,” he says, walking past. “Whenever you talk to your mom, things get even worse.”

Seokjin’s not wrong. Your mom means well – really, she does – but talking to her tends to leave you exhausted. Still, you know from experience it’s better to answer now.

“I know,” you sigh and stand up. “But if I don’t pick up now, she’ll just keep calling. Hey,” you say, pressing answer. “One second, mom.”

Ignoring Seokjin’s sad shake of his head, you scoop up your coffee and head for your bedroom.

Closing the door to your room, you lean backwards. “Hi, mom,” you say, lifting your phone to your ear. “Sorry about that. I was eating breakfast. How are you?”

“Oh, you know,” your mom says, and you can practically hear her smile. “Same old, same old. The better question is, how are you? I saw on the weather there’s some flooding by you. Hope you’re alright!”

Grimacing, you move the phone to speaker. You should have known your mom would check in. Reading between the lines of her question, you can hear what she’s really asking. Your mom wants to know if you caused the flooding – an answer which is undeniably yes, but she doesn’t have to know that.

Setting down your half-empty mug, you flop face-first on your bed. Less information tends to be more with your mom. You’re debating what to say when she solves the problem for you.

“I know you haven’t had a slip in years,” she continues. “But if there’s another water Elemental in town, you should try to steer clear of them! Being around them could set you off – that’s what happened to Becky’s nephew, she said.”

Fighting an eye roll, you roll on your back. Becky Mayweather is your mom’s best friend in the entire world and one of your least favorite people. She’s the type to bake cookies, offer a shoulder to cry on – and then promptly turn and gossip to the neighbors about it. She fancies herself an Elemental expert because a few of her friends married them. Funnily enough, neither you nor your mom have met these friends in person.

“Oh?” you ask. “I never noticed.”

“It’s true! You know that I worry, Y/N. All alone in the city with another Elemental for a roommate…”

Annoyance spikes in your stomach. “His name is Seokjin, and I’m an Elemental too, mom. His mom could say the same thing about me.”

Seokjin’s mom could be saying that, but she wouldn’t because Seokjin’s mom and dad are both magic enthusiasts. The few times you met them, they were nothing but kind.

“Oh, Y/N.” Your mom sighs. “It’s not the same.”

“Why not?”

“Watch your tone,” she says. “I’m only telling the truth. You work hard on controlling your magic. Your roommate, on the other hand, uses his magic willy-nilly. In broad daylight! You two couldn’t be more different.”

Your mom isn’t wrong about that, although not for the reason she thinks. Seokjin does use his magic freely, but you’re the one at risk of hurting others – not him.

“Seokjin is a good guy,” you say tightly. “He’s letting me stay here, rent-free, while I search for another job.”

“Another job?” Her voice pitches. “What happened to the job at that restaurant?”

Cursing yourself for your own stupidity, you close your eyes. “Um… I was let go. Difference of opinions with management.”

“Oh. Well. That’s too bad, Y/N, I’m sorry. It’s probably for the best – you don’t want to be working for someone you don’t respect, right?”

Some of your anger lessens at her genuine sympathy. It’d be easy to paint your mom as the villain but truthfully, she comes from a good place. You know that she loves you; she just doesn’t want to lose you the same way she lost your dad.

Exhaling deeply, you reach to grab a pillow. “I’ve been trying to paint,” you say. “It hasn’t been going well.”

“No?”

You frown at the obvious joy in her voice.

“Yeah,” you admit.

“Well…” Your mom draws the word out. “We always knew art was a risky hobby, Y/N. Painting. With watercolors. Something could easily go wrong and put you in danger.”

“I know, mom.”

“Actually,” she adds, her excitement growing. “Maybe this is a sign. Y/N – what if this means your powers are weakening?”

Your entire body goes still. “What?”

“Yes!” she says, oblivious to the panic in your voice. “You always loved watercolors because they made sense to you, right? Because of your… well, magic. What if a block means your powers are growing weaker? I wonder if other Elementals ever lose touch with their magic. I’ll have to ask Becky.”

Irrational anger surges within, and you hear the faucet in your bathroom turn on. Hastily, you work to turn it back off.

“You don’t need to do that,” you blurt. “I’ll research it myself. Actually, I should get going – I wanted to apply for some jobs this morning.”

“Oh, yes – good call, honey. You go and apply. Let me know if you need help. Becky has connections with the local university. I’m sure someone could help you update your resume – or even apply, if that sounds interesting to you.”

“Thanks,” you say, although it absolutely does not. “That’s a nice offer.”

“Have a good day, honey – I love you!”

“Love you, too,” you say before hanging up.

Dropping the phone onto your bed, you hug your pillow tightly. It takes several long minutes to relax, wading your way through an anxious sea of thought. Although your mom means well, conversations with her tend to leave you feeling drained. Since you were young, it’s felt like your mom has an idea of the perfect child, and they aren’t you.

Eventually, you stand to bring your mug to the kitchen. Seokjin is busy making another pot of coffee, the delicious scent wafting overhead.

Passing him by, you eye this warily. “Isn’t that your third pot this morning?”

“And?” Seokjin reaches for his mug. “You’ve had three cups yourself.”

“Touché,” you sigh, collapsing on the couch.

Minutes later, Seokjin enters the living room and hands you a mug.

Staring into the drink, you say, “Thanks.”

Settling onto the sofa, Seokjin examines you over the rim of his coffee. You ignore him, taking a long sip of your drink. A summer breeze wafts through the window, and with a flick of his wrist, Seokjin sends it back out.

A stab of envy goes through you, although you know it’s irrational. Seokjin always makes magic look easy, but you’ve never found it to be so. Maybe when you were younger, before the crippling fear and anxiety had a chance to set in. The only time magic ever felt normal was when you painted and now, you can’t even do that.

Thinking about painting makes you think about Jungkook though, causing the dull thud in your chest to become a sledgehammer. You miss him. Miss the easy way Jungkook made you laugh. How he insisted on constantly touching some part of your body.

Cupping your mug of coffee, you take another sip and sink into the sadness.

“Far be it from me to dole out advice.” Seokjin interrupts your tiny pity party. “But I think you’re going about this the wrong way.”

Too exhausted to argue, you merely exhale. “What’s the right way, then?”

His head tilts. “I don’t know. But I find it weird your block appeared around the same time you started dating Jungkook. You’ve…” Seokjin hesitates, and you recognize his how-do-I-put-this-delicately face. “You’ve given up a lot over the years, Y/N. Maybe this time, you gave up more of yourself than you realized.”

Silently, you wonder whether he’s right. For too long, you’ve gone through the motions of life without really living. Too scared of letting people in, scaring them off, of being yourself. Perhaps giving up Jungkook will be the final straw. The thought doesn’t comfort you, and you have no response.

After a moment, Seokjin turns on the TV. The morning slips by, though you can’t help but think about his earlier comments – could you control your magic if you tried harder? The moment you think this, you instantly banish the thought. You’ve been attempting for months, and nothing has worked.

With this cheery thought, you allow yourself to sink further into melancholy. Only this time, the water rushing overheard isn’t your friend. You aren’t sure it ever was.

Wednesday morning, you leave the apartment in a haze. You thought that by today, things would be better but if anything, the situation seems to be worse.

Missing Jungkook is painful.

It hurts more than you thought, which might sound stupid, but that doesn’t make it any less true. When you and Elliot broke up, it was sad, but you knew it was for the best and that lessened some of the pain. Now though, each beat of your heart prevents the wound from closing. A tentative scab in one second, only to be torn open the next.

Jungkook always sent you good morning texts. Not because he was up before you, but because he went to bed so late, it was only an hour or two before you awoke. His words were the first thing you read in the morning, smiling sleepily at his rambling. Sometimes, Jungkook would include a late-night snack recipe. Always, he’d end with something he liked about you.

His silence is deafening. Something not even your favorite coffee shop can fix, although you try. Standing in line, you aimlessly flip through songs on your phone. Today, you promised Seokjin you’d attend at least two interviews. The first one is in an hour at a sushi restaurant. Before then, you plan to load up on caffeine and organize your thoughts.

When the line moves forward, you flip to your messages. No new texts. Unsurprising, but it rends the scab in your heart anew.

Facing forward, you remove an earbud to order. “Hi,” you say, mustering a smile. “I’ll have an iced americano with rose syrup.”

“Got it.” The barista barely looks up. “That all?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Want a receipt?”

“Nope.”

“Cool.” She nods. “That’ll be ready soon at the end of the counter.”

Nodding your thanks, you replace the ear pod. Cranking your music louder, you wait for your coffee and lean against the counter. The coffee shop is tiny, empty for a weekday after the morning rush. Aimless, you glance over the clustered tables.

Your thoughts are on Jungkook before they can be stopped. You wonder what he's doing, what he’s wearing, whether he’s blocked your number yet from his phone.

A talented graphic designer, Jungkook works mostly on commission and on his own time. He does well for himself – enough to afford rent on his own place. Your mutual creative streak was something you had in common. Not your sleeping hours, that’s for sure.

Jungkook usually slept until nine or ten, then went to the gym before he made breakfast. You used to tease him about that, saying he couldn’t call it breakfast if –

Your heart falters. Jungkook must be on your mind since you seem to have hallucinated him here, at the coffee shop. You blink once, and then twice, but the mirage doesn’t fade, and you’re forced to conclude Jungkook is actually here.

Unfolding himself from a chair, he heads in your direction. Panicked, you glance at the counter, then back up. Your coffee hasn’t finished, which means that you’re trapped. Straightening, you do your best to seem natural and are certain you fail. Jungkook doesn’t just look natural, he is so as he approaches. At least, until you notice his hands in his pockets.

Jungkook does this when he’s nervous. Likely, he’s playing with the inside pocket lining. It hurts, knowing him so well, and not being his. When Jungkook comes to a stop, you stand mere inches apart.

“Jungkook,” you say, his name punched from your diaphragm.

He nods. “Hey.”

Uncertain, you glance down at the counter to check for your drink. Still nothing and, looking back, you tilt your head. “What are you doing here?”

Jungkook’s hands go deeper, if possible. “Getting coffee. Is that allowed?”

Your lips press together. “Sure. Theoretically, you can get coffee. What I’m asking though, is why you chose this coffee shop, five blocks away from your place. Usually, you’re not awake before noon.”

His expression is inscrutable. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Ah.”

The silence between you lengthens, and not in a good way. You know why you’re quiet but can’t tell what Jungkook is thinking. You suppose that it’s possible he woke up early, forgot this was your favorite shop and went on a long walk for coffee – it’s possible, but unlikely.

At last, Jungkook exhales. “Alright, fine. I wanted to see you.”

“Y/N?”

Both of you turn at the sound of your name. Glancing between the two of you, the barista seems to pick up a weird vibe, dropping the cup to hurry away. Grateful for the interruption, you reach for your coffee and attempt to reset.

It’s not fair of Jungkook, corning you like this. You were already forced to end this once – unfair, making you do so again. Breaking up with him once was barely possible; twice is unthinkable.

“Don’t you have anything else to say?”

His voice interrupts your train of thought and, gripping your drink tightly, you turn.

“Like what?” you ask.

“Like, I don’t know.” His brow furrows, frustration obvious. “Anything, Y/N.”

Behind the counter, the barista fills a tea kettle to set this on the stove. You watch it instead of Jungkook, unsure how you’re going to do this again. The pressure of the water boiling is near tangible, mimicking the internal state of your mind.

Biting your tongue, you decide a safe exit is best. Jungkook will get the hint without you being forced to break his heart. Counting backwards from ten, you exhale and attempt to walk past.

“I’m sorry you came all this way,” you say in a murmur.

You’re nearly past Jungkook when you hear a soft swear. Only one more step happens before his hand grips your elbow.

“Y/N, please,” Jungkook breathes, turning you towards him.

Your gaze lifts and you start at his obvious pain. Staring back, Jungkook searches your face for something unspoken. Whatever he seeks, he must find it, since determination enters his.

You tear your gaze away. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Jungkook.”

“I want to know if you were serious about breaking up.”

He’s still holding your elbow.

You must notice this at the same time, but neither of you move. Your gaze returns to his, drawn like a magnet and you realize your mistake when you can’t look away. Romeo’s line about Julie being the sun comes to mind, making sudden sense. You orbit around Jungkook, whether you like it or not.

In the background, a tea kettle whistles. “I meant what I said, Jungkook,” you say, forcing yourself to speak first. “I’m not good for you.”

A muscle in his jaw feathers. “But why,” he demands, frustration seeping through. You can hear in his voice the long nights of desperation, of little sleep in your absence. “I don’t understand what went wrong, Y/N. What did I do?”

A chasm in your chest opens, hating how easily he jumps to self-doubt. Before you can think better of it, you move closer.

“Nothing,” you say, one hand on his arm. “You did nothing wrong, Jungkook. I’m just not in a place where I can be in a relationship.”

“But why not?” His gaze sharpens. “Everything was fine between us until Sunday.”

“Everything was not fine.”

Jungkook pauses, then barrels on. “When you say you can’t be in a relationship… what you’re really saying is you can’t be in a relationship with me.”

“With anyone,” you correct, although you aren’t sure that’s the truth.

Your magic has never been this temperamental. Possibly because this is the first time you’ve fallen in love. Dating someone not Jungkook would be safer, but the thought is abhorrent.

If you can’t have Jungkook, you don’t want anyone. That will be your punishment. Jungkook will move on, fall in love, and be happy with another person. Not you. No one else will compare, and if you can’t now, you doubt you’ll move past this crippling fear.

“You keep telling me that,” Jungkook says, growing heated. “But I’m the one you’re breaking up with, so it’s a little bit about me. You need to give me something, Y/N. Is this about your past? I know you don’t like to talk about your childhood, but I want to know.”

A loud buzzing fills your ears, gaze darting around. You haven’t told Jungkook much about your family, not wanting to invite questions about being an Elemental. The thought of him guessing sparks panic again, and the tea kettle on the stove whistles louder.

“People in my past hurt me,” you say in a rush. Magic itches beneath your skin, begging for escape. “That’s part of it, but not all.”

“What’s all, then?”

Frustration seeps past the wall, and several things happen. Your magic lashes out, a loud noise makes you jump, and the tea kettle shatters while hitting the floor. Water sloshes across the tile, steam hissing as the barista jumps back with a yelp.

Startled, you whirl around. One barista turns off the stove, another grabs a towel while a third finds a broom. Luckily, none of them seem injured – the tea kettle missed their skin. Taking a half-step towards them, you force yourself to stop. Although you want to help, that might make you seem guilty.

Already, the guilt within you is rising. You felt your magic overpowering you and chose to stay. If a barista had been hurt, it would’ve been your fault.

Turning back, you find Jungkook staring at the mess. He looks similarly shocked, twisting the knife in your gut. If he knew you caused this, he’d look at you that differently.

“You see?” you blurt, and he glances in your direction. “Everyone around me gets hurt. I can’t hurt you, too, Jungkook.”

Shoving open the door, you’re halfway outside when his words reach your ears.

“That’s the thing, Y/N,” he says softly. “You already have.”

The door shuts behind you, and you almost make it home before starting to cry. The skies open again above the city.

“This can’t be a coincidence,” you mutter, staring through the window.

The slightly dilapidated Ramen-rama tables stare back at you until the owner walks past. Catching you standing there, he motions you on.

Somewhat chagrined, you trudge down the sidewalk. Reaching a playground two blocks away, you collapse on a bench and attempt to be rational. Four different interviews. Spread across two different days. Each one ending the exact same.

One crappy interview, even two, and you’d understand. But four crappy interviews in the same way? Something weird is happening. Each interview, you arrived, greeted the owner, answered a few questions, and were thus informed the position was filled.

It wasn’t that you hadn’t gotten a job. It was that your interviewers seemed nervous, staring hard at your resume and never your face. They seemed relieved when you left, as though you were liable to break something for fun.

“Hey. Did you interview this morning at Ramen-rama?”

Startled, you turn and find a stranger beside you.

You don’t recognize him; certainly you’d remember if you met before. Dressed in a Ramen-rama t-shirt, his dark hair is gathered in a bun on his head. His hair makes your chest ache, since Jungkook used to wear his like that.

“Um, yeah,” you say, yanking yourself from your daydreams.

He smiles and nods. “I thought that was you. Listen – I overheard the manager talking this morning on the phone while I was unloading the truck. I think he was talking about you, so I thought I should tell you what I overheard.”

Concerned, you straighten. “Uh, okay. What was he saying?”

“He was talking to your old boss – Pierre? Apparently, he’s calling around and warning people not to hire you. Said that you stole from him, or something. Not sure if it’s the same story for everyone, or if he’s making up shit up in the moment.”

Your jaw nearly drops. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah.” The guy’s smile turns wry. “I’m assuming none of it’s true. You don’t look like the thieving type, but the boss is running a business, I guess. Can’t be too careful.”

“Right.” You pause, then shake your head. “I didn’t steal, just so you know. A guest was an ass to me, so I dumped water on him – on accident,” you add.

Laughing loudly, the guy clutches his bicycle. “Wow, I’d love to hear that story. Especially the part about it being an accident,” he adds with a wink, sticking out his hand. “I’m Wooyoung.”

“Y/N,” you say as you shake. “So. Pierre is calling people?”

Brow furrowed, Wooyoung pulls back. “Yeah. Sorry I had to tell you like this. Wasn’t sure whether you’d want to know, but figured I should.”

You push yourself to stand. “I do appreciate it. Thanks for telling me.”

“No problem.” Sheepish, he glances down the road. “I should actually get back if I don’t want to lose my job. Delivery,” he explains, nodding towards his bike. “Need the extra income.”

“Makes sense,” you say, forcing a smile. “Good luck.”

Wooyoung nods, then pauses in a way that feels familiar. He’s checking you out, you realize after a moment. Although flattering, it’s instantly followed by a rush of guilt. Wooyoung is cute and in another life, you’d say yes, but in every life, it’s hard not to want Jungkook.

Waving goodbye, Wooyoung climbs onto his bike and takes off. You head in the opposite direction, needing to put distance between you and Ramen-rama. If Pierre is shit-talking you across town, you’ll be hard-pressed to find another job at a restaurant. Owners are notoriously clicky and for how many restaurants there are, there are surprisingly few out of the loop.

Maybe you can ask the coffee shop if they’re hiring. Although you should probably avoid work with water for a bit. This drops your mood, your thoughts turning desperate. You’re so deep in an anxiety spiral, you nearly run into an open door on the sidewalk.

Jerking upright, you stare at faded, golden letters. Creative Courage is spelled in looping cursive over a frosted window. Art supplies fill a display case, while the other is clustered with art of all kinds. You spot sculpture, pottery, painting, and sketches before losing count.

Before you can chicken out, you push open the door.

Stepping in, tiny bells chime to announce your arrival. Soft, ambient light fills the space – a shop that’s two-fold, you realize now that you’re inside. The front sells art supplies while in the back stands a classroom. There’s a class in session now, several artists seated on stools before easels.

“Can I help you?” someone asks, stepping into your path.

Blinking, you focus. “Um, no – thank you! I was just looking.”

“Of course!” The woman beams, reaching up to arrange a clip in magenta hair. “That’s what we’re here for. If you do change your mind, let me know – we’ve got art supplies out front, and classes are held daily in back.”

“Classes?”

“Mhm.” Crossing her arms, the woman nods. “Mostly still life and figure drawing, but we’re hoping to add some more soon. Are you an artist?” she asks, sounding hopeful.

Immediately, you stiffen. “No. At least, not right now.”

Her lips twitch. “Not sure it works like that, unfortunately. Who you are can’t come on and off like a jacket. I like that, though,” she admits with a laugh. “Might borrow it the next time the muses aren’t singing.”

You can’t help but grin. “Exactly.”

Her head tilts, surveying you with unnerving intensity. “My name is Taryn. I co-own this place with my partner, Micah. They’re the one teaching right now.”

“Oh,” you say, somewhat wistful. “That’s nice.”

“Thanks.” Her smile widens. “So, what was your preferred medium? You know, ‘back when’ you were an artist.”

You can’t help but laugh when Taryn lifts her hands to use air quotes. Some people have a way of making you feel included in their jokes, and Taryn is one of them. She teases you in a conspiratorial way, letting you know she understands. People often call art a labor of love, which can be true but more often, it’s a complicated tangle of love, pain and frustration.

“Watercolors,” you admit. “And my name is Y/N.”

Her eyes brighten. “We’ve been meaning to add a watercolor class for ages. Some of our regulars have asked, but Micah and I are both hopeless. Potter,” she explains, gesturing at herself. “And Micah prefers charcoal. Sometimes sculpture.”

“Wow,” you say. “Those are very different.”

“You don’t say.” Taryn laughs. “Micah likes to keep things fresh. What about you? Have you ever taught be– hang on,” she blurts, her eyes going wide. “Did you say that your name is Y/N? As in Y/N Y/L/N?”

Your cheeks heat. “Yeah, that’s me.”

Whirling, Taryn hustles through the front room to duck behind a counter. Digging through several drawers, she pulls out a print to hurry back.

“Is this you?” she demands, thrusting this in your face.

Even cross-eyed and close, you recognize your most popular work. A watercolor series on the majesty and destruction of sea storms. Looking at this makes you feel raw, and so you look up.

“Yep,” you admit. “That’s me.”

Pulling back, Taryn looks at the print reverently. “You’re amazing. Micah was trying to do something similar but couldn’t capture the right feeling.”

Shuffling awkwardly, you shrug. You’ve never felt as though your work deserved acclaim, although it’s nice to know the series resonated with others. One of your favorite aspects of art is how it can be intensely personal but once shared, takes on a universal quality. You find it constantly surprising; how many people seem to share the same burdens.

“Seriously.” Taryn shakes her head wryly. “If you ever wanted to teach a class, let me know. We’d be lucky to have you here.”

“Thank you,” you say, stuffing both hands in your pockets.

You hadn’t realized your desperation was obvious. Or possibly Taryn is just incredibly good at reading others. Truthfully, it’s been a while since you stepped foot in the art world. Even before dating Jungkook, you felt your passion lagging. It’s been a long time since you wanted to connect with your inner voice, although merely the act of being here calls the tide in your blood.

Dangerous.

Recognizing this, you reinforce an inner wall. “I’m sorry,” you repeat. “I’m not really looking for something right now.”

Taryn nods. “Sure. If things change though, just let me know – before next week,” she adds. “We try to publish our class schedule on the first of each month.”

“Will do. Thanks, again.”

“Anytime!” Beaming, Taryn spins to restock the next shelf.

Realizing your conversation is finished, you continue down the next aisle. The shop’s materials are superb, and your fingers are itching to reach out and touch. Reaching the front, you notice a quote painted over the register: Creativity takes courage – Henry Matisse.

You stare at this for a while, unsure why it hurts. Courage isn’t something you’ve thought about in a long time. When you were younger, you pushed people away because it was safe, but now you find yourself wondering who was that for – others? Or yourself?

Maybe the reason you keep yourself separate is because you are afraid people might leave you. Like Katrina. Or Elliot. Or even your dad.

Suppressing magic was hard at the start. Everything about it felt counter-intuitive but you reasoned doing the right thing often took effort. This is what you told yourself, anyways. It made said effort more bearable.

When you first began painting, the relief you felt was immense. After so long spent ignoring your emotions, you found a space to be free. Your series about the sea was oddly therapeutic, working through complicated emotions; your love for the ocean, coupled with fear of its wild beauty. Similar clashes within yourself about magic. And always, always, the desire for more.

For a few hours though, those feelings could be a part of you. Magic could be a part of you, so long as you remained in control – and with brush in hand, you were.

Only now does it occur to you that maybe, this wasn’t healthy. Maybe you shouldn’t feel the need to compartmentalize, as though certain pieces of yourself can only exist in certain spaces.

Tearing your gaze from the words, you exit the shop and gently shut the door. Pulling your jacket tighter, you head down the sidewalk and let your thoughts drift. Jungkook only saw you paint once, but the memory is hard to forget.

You had just started dating, barely past the stage of calling him ‘boyfriend.’ The constant influx of emotion was difficult to manage, and after a few weeks, you were exhausted. Most of your time spent without Jungkook was seated before your canvas. After one particularly frustrating session, you set down your paint to stubbornly stare at the canvas.

A throat cleared from behind.

Startled, you spun and found Jungkook standing there. His gaze moved quickly to yours, but you realized he’d been staring at your half-finished work. Normally, you felt panic at the thought of someone seeing a work in progress. That night though, the look on Jungkook’s face eased your concerns. Awe; pure and clear.

Yanking down giant, over-ear headphones, you hastily stood.

Jungkook lurched forward. “No!” he blurted, only to halt. “I mean – you don’t have to cover the painting. I liked it.”

He seemed flustered, which made you slightly flustered, but you took a slow step sideways. Eager, Jungkook’s gaze traversed the canvas.

Eventually, he looked back. “Sorry about that,” Jungkook said and walked closer. Warm hands found your waist. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“How did you get in?” you laughed, burying your face in his chest.

“Seokjin.” He paused. “Did he not say I was here? I texted you a half hour ago, but you didn’t respond. I figured I’d stop by, and Seokjin said to come up.”

Softening, you made a mental note to chastise Seokjin later. Tightening your arms, you lifted your head and smiled.

“So.” Jungkook glanced over your shoulder. “This is you.”

This sent a thrill down your spine. He spoke as though he’d known you before, but only on a surface level and now, he understood. Jungkook knew your art was part of you, as much as your heart or your soul. You had often felt the same, but never said so out loud.

Magic swelled, and you pushed it back down, but it was difficult. When Jungkook bent his head, you forgot to be scared and let yourself feel. The brush of his lips. The tightening of his hands. The current within you, swelling against your highest walls.

Loudly, someone knocked on the door. Breathless, you jerked backwards and found Seokjin in the door.

“Hey.” He jerked a thumb over one shoulder. “Wanted to let you know our dishwasher broke. Flooded the kitchen.” Pointed, Seokjin looked at you. “Everything is all good, but I’m calling a plumber tomorrow. Carry on.”

In a flurry of embarrassment, you abruptly ended the evening and sent Jungkook home.

Remembering how the night ended, you stifle a groan and walk faster. Once more, you couldn’t control your magic and put Jungkook in danger. Hardly the creative courage Henry Matisse imagined.

You always assumed suppressing your magic was the best choice. But the best choice for who? Certainly not for you, who lives isolated, inert and in fear of yourself. Your dad used to call your magic a gift, but it’s been a long time since you felt that way.

This memory brings with it a sharp stab of pain. Since your dad passed, fear has replaced any joy your magic brought. Fear of falling victim to the same fate he did. Of others’ rejection. Of failing to live up to your father’s example.

You have little doubt that if your dad could see you now, he’d be confused by your actions.

You push others away in the name of saving them. Again, you think of Jungkook and for once you allow it. The entire way home, you wish that he’d call.

He doesn’t though and eventually, you stop hoping.

By Friday, the threads keeping your feelings at bay are nearly worn through. Intrusive thoughts push against fragile bonds, threatening the haven you’ve carefully crafted.

With more force than needed, you toss clothing into the washer. Your usual laundromat was closed, forcing you to walk five blocks to the next one. Sweaty from suddenly sweltering temperatures, your arms sore from the hamper, the situation does nothing to improve an already crappy mood.

Wiping your forehead with one arm, you slam the door and press start. The machine whirs to life, laundry tumbling in a way reminiscent of your inner turmoil. Up, you did the right thing by ending it with Jungkook. He’ll swiftly move on and find someone else. Down – but you don’t want him to find someone else. You want him to find you.

Teeth gritted, you turn and grab your hamper from the floor. Placing this on the washer, you wearily tug your cell phone from your pocket. By the time you walked home, you’d have to come back, leaving you with forty minutes to kill. You could read more of the book you just started. Or submit your resume to a couple of restaurants.

After yesterday’s disaster at Ramen-rama though, the interview process has stalled. Instead, you’ve found yourself thinking more about Creative Courage. For a brief moment, you even walked into the third bedroom to paint.

You immediately walked back out again, but merely the act was more than you’ve done in months. The thought of creation brought mostly panic, since it’d involve you being honest. Something you haven’t been with yourself in a while.

Because if you were honest, you know what you’d find. You would regret breaking up with Jungkook. Maybe even find that, deep down, you want to be selfish. You want to keep dating him, even if Jungkook gets hurt in the end.

After all, you saw what loving an Elemental did to your mom.

Putting down your phone, you scan the laundromat and find your gaze catching on the person in the next aisle.

No. No, no, no – absolutely not.

The universe – or whoever’s writing your story – must be cruel and unusual, since standing beside you is Jungkook. You’d recognize his head anywhere. Straightening from his hamper, Jungkook turns to face you and goes still.

Eyes wide, he seems stunned until someone slams shut their dryer. Both of you jump, breaking eye contact and time seems to reset. Pressing start on his machine, Jungkook grabs his gym bag and hoists it over one shoulder. He strides towards the exit, halfway there when you spring into action.

Dashing towards him, you cut him off at the dryers. Footsteps slowing, Jungkook meets your gaze with visible confusion.

“Sorry,” he says, tugging his gym bag behind him. The thick, grey strap of it cuts across his hoodie. “I was just leaving. I can come back later if you want to finish your load.”

Again, he tries to move past you, but something inside of you snaps. You aren’t sure what possesses you, but somehow, find your hand gripping his sleeve.

Startled, Jungkook stares.

Equally swift, you withdraw. “I, uh…”

Head spinning, all your words seem to fly out the window. Nothing about this was planned. You have no idea what to tell Jungkook besides I’m sorry, and even this would be woefully inadequate without explanation. Which you can’t give.

“You don’t have to leave on my account,” you say at last.

A singular brow lifts. “No? You didn’t seem to think that way on Wednesday.”

You suppress a wince, although you try your best to hide it. “I know,” you admit. “It’s just… this is your usual laundromat. I don’t want you to leave because of me. I wouldn’t even be here, expect the one near me is broken and –”

“Got it,” he interrupts, the words tight. “You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t have to be.”

Swallowing hard, you stare down at your shoes. You know you deserve this, but it’s just so hard to see Jungkook hurting. He deserves to be happy, not wasting his energy on hating you.

“Okay,” you whisper.

Your eyes start to burn, and you squeeze them shut to prevent a reaction. You absolutely cannot cry in front of Jungkook. Not when you’re the one who started this; the very last thing you want him to feel for you is pity.

“Hey.” Something in his tone shifts, and you hear Jungkook step closer. When you open your eyes, he watches you intently. “What’s wrong?”

A tiny fissure within your chest splinters.

Anyone else could have asked those words, and you would have been able to answer. For Jungkook to do so is unthinkable. You’re the one who ruined this. The one who hurt him, who ended this and still, Jungkook is concerned about your well-being.

“I was fired on Sunday,” you say in a rush. “Before I came to see you.”

He blinks only once before his face hardens. “Before you broke up with me, you mean.”

“Yeah,” you whisper.

Running his tongue over the back of his teeth, Jungkook glances away. His expression is taut, and you feel a sharp pang of envy. It’s so easy to read Jungkook. You’ve spent so long hiding your emotions, it strikes you as luxurious how easily he feels.

A muscle in his jaw tics. “Y/N,” Jungkook says, turning back. “What are you doing?”

“What… do you mean?”

Fear spikes your heart, wondering if Jungkook has finally pieced the facts together. Maybe he saw more than you realized at the coffee shop. Maybe he finally knows what you are.

“Why are you… torturing me?” he clarifies, a slight rasp to his voice. “I don’t know what you want me to say. You were fired? That sucks, but it doesn’t make this okay. It doesn’t make us okay,” he adds, gesturing to the air between you.

“I – I know,” you stammer, nearly blurting out something you’ll regret.

Like that you’re an Elemental teetering close to the edge. One who can feel every pipe, every spin cycle within the walls of this laundromat. All of them churning, pulsing, begging for your magic to release the water inside.

“You know?” Jungkook stares at you, incredulous. “Again, Y/N – what do you want from me?”

Since you started talking, you’ve moved several steps closer. Another breath, another reach and you’d be in his arms. Glancing down, you notice how quickly Jungkook’s chest rises and falls.

He’s afraid, you realize. Jungkook’s fear isn’t the same one as yours, though. He isn’t afraid that you’ll see him, but rather that you’ll destroy him.

Realizing this, a barrier within you crumbles. “It doesn’t matter what I want,” you say, somewhat desperate.

“You keep saying that.” Determined, he steps closer and somehow, your hand entwines with his to press against his chest. “You keep saying you don’t want this, but you won’t tell me why. Won’t tell me anything, Y/N – you were fired, and this is the first time I’m hearing it.”

“I couldn’t tell you!” you blurt. “I can’t explain it, Jungkook, but I couldn’t tell you when it happened.”

His gaze sharpens. “Then, yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe we are better off broken up.”

Releasing you, Jungkook brushes past you and heads for the exit. You stare blankly at the wall before you, your whole world caving in as your head starts to spin. Magic seeps beyond your fractured walls, flooding your veins in desperate search for an exit.

“That’s not true,” you protest, spinning around. “I’ve told you more than anyone else in my life, Jungkook. I’ve let you in in ways no one else has.”

Jungkook stiffens at the door, his entire body taut. For a single, long moment, it seems as though he might reconsider but the longer you stand there, the more you watch the fight drain from the lines of his shoulders.

“I don’t doubt that’s true,” he says, hand hovering above the doorknob. “But that’s not the same as letting me in.”

He starts to go.

Everything around you becomes white noise.

When you were ten, you passed a famous dam on one of your cross-country moves. Your mom took you to see it, swinging your hand while entering the viewing platform.

The moment you saw it, you went wholly still. Trillions of gallons of water, trapped behind concrete, constantly pushing but unable to break. It felt like your magic. Raw, untamed power contained by a solid wall. You stared for longer than any other visitor, until your mom pulled your arm and said you should leave.

The entire way to the car, your mom was silent and once you were buckled in, she twisted around to see you. “Listen to me, Y/N,” she said, her voice serious. “That dam will only work if the wall holds. If the wall breaks, do you know what happens?”

Silent, you shook your head.

“The water will flood the whole valley. Everyone in its path, all the forest – they’d be gone. The wall can’t break, or bad things happen. Do you understand me?”

Solemn, you nodded because even then, you understood. Although your magical dam was intangible, it held equal importance. You had to hold in the magic, otherwise bad things would happen. So long as the wall was in place, you were safe.

Now though, you squeeze your eyes tightly as the wall starts to crumble.

Emotions break with the force of a tidal wave, racing ahead and drowning all in its path. Memories you thought were long buried continue to rise, crushing you further. Your walls are destroyed in a matter of seconds.

You remember your dad, kissing you on the head before leaving the house. Katrina’s stricken expression when the door shut in her face. Jungkook, asking you what he’d done wrong again.

Each memory drags you under, and you shudder against the onslaught. It takes everything you have to remain standing while your restraint dissolves.

Hands grip your arms.

Surprised, your eyes fly open to find Jungkook before you. His neck muscles strain, yelling to be heard over thundering water. You try your best to focus, to rein your magic back in – only to realize with horror, it might be too late.

The laundromat around you is in chaos. Several ceiling pipes have burst, water crashing down in torrents of water. Already, waves lap at your ankles. Noise filters back in, flickering before solidifying to something substantial.

People are screaming, abandoning their hampers in an attempt to get out. The door has stuck though, unable to open under the onslaught of water. Jungkook yells again, and this time you hear him.

“Are you okay?” he bellows, close to your face.

You stare upward, stupefied. Another pipe bursts, and you think that was you, but it’s hard to be sure. Hard to understand which parts are in control and which parts are not. What particular emotion is holding the reins at any moment.

Determination replaces fear in his face, and Jungkook bends before you have time to blink. In an instant, you’re tossed over his shoulder. A yelp escapes, upside-down but he’s already wading through the aisle of washers.

Jungkook shouts at people to move, but no one is listening. After a moment, you feel him exhale and surge forward. Although you can’t see, the people seem to be moving, so Jungkook must appear confident.

Grasping the door, he pulls on it, hard. Nothing happens. Exhaling, Jungkook grips your waist tighter and mutters, “Hold on.”

You don’t have time to ask why, since he yanks harder and the entire frame shudders. Jungkook does this again and another pipe bursts, drawing your gaze. By the time you look back, the door has budged an inch and water is pouring out. With a final wrench, Jungkook yanks open the door.

People shove past him, rushing into the street with the tide of water. Spinning around, Jungkook shields you with his frame from the wet crush of bodies. His grip never wavers, feet anchored to the ground as though they’ve rocks themselves.

With each breath, your pulse slows until finally, you locate the faint threads of magic. Before, you felt too much at once. The crush was overwhelming but now, you manage to breach the surface. For the first time, you see your panic influencing the tide.

Realizing this, you reach inward and try to – turn. With great effort, you identify the source of your power and disconnect. Water in the ceiling slows to a trickle, and then, nothing.

Exhaling against your neck, Jungkook’s hand moves lower.

You can’t help but shiver. “Jungkook?” you murmur into his shoulder.

“Yeah?”

“Could you… you know, set me down?”

“Oh.”

Somewhat sheepish, Jungkook lowers you to face him. He doesn’t step away, and neither do you. If this is the last time you see him, you want to be selfish and make it as long as possible.

He stares back at you, waterdrops caught between his lashes. In the background, water continues to drip from a pipe. The soft plink-plink echoes the thud of your heart.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

Jungkook’s hands remain on your waist, his touch scrambling all semblance of sanity. You aren’t sure how to answer without being honest.

Truthfully, you’re not okay.

An okay person wouldn’t break up with their boyfriend and then, six days later throw themselves in their path. An okay person wouldn’t be hiding their magic, they wouldn’t be lying to the person they love and most of all, wouldn’t continue to place that same person in danger.

Silent, you survey the aftermath of your outburst. Deep down, your magic itches in response to your panic. Seeping outward, it seeks to mold to the fear, but you manage to stop it. Something about the wall being gone makes your power less alien. No longer an unknown variable, but a constant.

“No,” you exhale. Steeling yourself, you take a step backwards. “No, Jungkook, I’m not okay. I… this is exactly why you should stay away from me. Bad things happen, and I can’t control them. I’m so sorry.”

Again, you brace yourself for his anger, but it never comes. Jungkook is unusually quiet, head cocked to one side. He sees right through you, a sensation unnerving enough that you drop your gaze.

“I should go,” you repeat, stepping around him. Reaching your washer, you hastily unload your soggy clothing. “I have to go.”

Jungkook says nothing, although you feel his gaze on the back of your head. Hefting your hamper, you slam the door shut, and turn. The water level at your ankles has dropped, no more than a centimeter remaining in the room.

Sirens wail in the distance, likely on their way to investigate. Your stomach lurches, recognizing the cost of your magic. As soon as possible, you should reach out to Seokjin. His company might be able to cover the damage if the laundromat can’t.

Nearing the exit, you look anywhere but at Jungkook’s face. “I’m sorry,” you repeat, unsure what else to say. “Really, I am.”

Again, he lets you move past. Water rushes out when you open the door, seeking the street, then the gutter. Hurrying past, you can’t shake the feeling something has changed.

Not only with you and Jungkook, but with you and your magic. Silent, you prod the place deep within from which your magic stems. You’re used to a wall, feeling closed off but now, it seems your mom was right.

Once shattered, the dam can’t be rebuilt.

A weightlessness accompanies this that you didn’t anticipate. Despite the terror of your outburst, there was a moment near the end when you stopped it. When you felt what was wrong and controlled your outburst of magic. You haven’t done that before.

The thought is followed by regret, remembering Jungkook. When you broke up, it was supposed to save him. Instead, you’ve only put him – and yourself – in greater danger. Maybe because you’ve continued to see him. Everything would be fine if you moved or kept your distance.

But then, another part of you wonders if you were wrong from the start. Maybe instead of providing distance, you should have come closer. Should have allowed Jungkook to decide whether he wanted to stay. After all, today, he experienced the worst of your powers, and he didn’t run. If anything, he moved closer.

Suddenly exhausted, you hail a cab. The driver grumbles at your wet clothes but allows you inside, and you tip him extra upon reaching your place. What you should do is find another laundromat and finish your load, but there’s an itch in your fingers you haven’t felt in some time.

Dropping your hamper at the door, you shutter yourself within the third bedroom. Not allowing yourself to second-guess, you sit down at your easel and pick up a brush.

For the first time in a long time, you allow the magic to flow. You paint.

 © kpopfanfictrash, 2023. Do not copy or repost without permission.

Author’s Note: thank you for reading so far! Continued in Part II, here.

[restinslices]

okay chat maybe him like getting jealous

Assuming you’re the anon who asked about Spooky

Him this episode >>>>>>>>>>

I've seen posts before about Spooky and people say he'd pull out a gun and start swearing when he's jealous and really show his ass but honestly? I don't think that's accurate 

I haven't watched OMB in a hot minute and Netflix is being some hoes rn so forgive me if I'm wrong but wasn't he incredibly patient?

He was patient with Cesar and with Cesar’s friends. I don't recall him ever losing his temper and going insane besides season 4 when he heard people fucking shit up outside 

Spooky gives me the silent jealous type. Silent but also petty 

Like if you came back to him after talking to a guy he'd say some petty shit like “thought you'd be around him all day”

“That's your man now, right?” “Stop being childish”

You could tell when he's jealous though cause you'd feel him staring at you the whole time 

I could also see him clearing his throat loud as hell if you're nearby to both get your attention and introduce him to whoever it is you're talking to 

It's gotta be a guy he doesn't know cause realistically what Santo is dumb enough to flirt with you?

I feel like I'm expected to say he'd have this huge outburst but Oscar doesn't give me that vibe. He's pretty patient and I think especially if y'all have been together for an extended amount of time, he'd feel secure enough to know you won't do some foul shit 

I feel like someone touching you would cause him to immediately get involved. He'd walk over and physically take their hand off of you while pulling you closer to him or behind him 

And let's be real, no one is dumb enough to try shit with him. He's 6’1 and known as the leader of the Santos 

But if someone did try him because they're drunk or whatever, I feel that even though he's jealous he'd still put your safety first. His jealousy would go to the back of his mind and he'd try to get you out in case shit gets intense 

Another situation he'd step in is if you're visibly uncomfortable. Typically if someone's flirting with you, he knows you can handle it but if you're so obviously uncomfortable then he'd step in and get you away 

I feel like if you're dating Oscar your safety would go over everything so while he's still a man and wants to play all big and bad in whoever's face, getting you away is his biggest priority 

“Are you jealous?” “Should I be?” “No” then he'd nod or smth 

Now let's say you're hanging around a new guy a lot. Would he get jealous? Probably. He's a guy. 

This is a different situation ‘cause he's not seeing anything. He can't pull you away. What does he do?

Short answer; nothing. Long answer; he doesn't seem like the type to be so jealous he'd snoop on your phone or follow you because relationships require trust and if you caught him, you'd be upset. I could see him asking questions about the guy and then denying he's jealous ‘cause “I have nothing to be jealous about”

And it's like??? Are you telling me  that or telling yourself that? 

Over time it'd become obvious he's feeling a certain way. You'd say you're gonna hang out with whoever the guy is and he'd just make a “mmm” sound instead of actually responding 

“Something wrong?” “I didn't say anything” “Exactly”. Eventually it'd come out though 

And the idea of him flirting with someone else to make you jealous comes up but I don't think that'd happen. He hardly has any relationships besides his gang which means he hardly has any close relationships. He has the kids, who he's like an older brother too (or literally an older brother to) and Mario (and we don't know how much they interact) so I don't see him risking a relationship just to be on petty shit 

He'd say smth petty but flirting with someone else just as payback for some shit you can't control? Nah

You could probably calm him down easily just by being near him. Making jokes about him being jealous would help also because it's you acknowledging that you see how he feels without having a sappy ass conversation 

I feel like this is so anticlimactic and disappointing but realistically I don't see him flipping his shit. He's 19-25, which could make him a bit immature but 1) he's grown up quickly so I think he can handle his emotions. 2) He has two strikes already. He's not popping his shit and risking life in prison because he was jealous. And 3) he knows you know where home is. 

He gets jealous, sure, but all those reasons stacked together makes him act calm, only getting somewhat aggressive if someone is touching you or making you uncomfortable. He’s more petty than anything

Quick story time. So I got away from my abusive dad when I was 13-14, right. I was also obsessed with Spooky. Tell me why my therapist said “I think you love him so much because he’s a strong and scary guy and in your head he’d protect you if your dad came back for you”. The way I almost blocked her-

I’m still seeing her years later😃

[nishirikiluv]

Twisted Love

Facing Reality

pairings: yandere!jay x reader

chapter warnings: fear, drugging, kidnapping, threatening, restraints, noncon, choking, slapping, oral (f recieving), fingering, protected sex, multiple orgasms, Jay gets kinda mean at one point, please lmk if I've missed anything (also not proofread so.. if theres mistakes, look past it...)

a/n: took me long enough to post chapter 2... i don't know when i'll post chapter 3 but i'll try not to take as long as i did with this one

taglist: @bbyinthehouse

masterlist | previous | chapter 2 | next

It had been about 2 weeks since you had that first awful dream about Jay. It would've been fine if it was a one time thing. But it wasn't. Every night you'd have the same dream. The details were a little different each time, but for the most part it was the same. It didn't make sense that they were dreams when they felt so real. Luckily, Jay seemed much different at work recently.

He joined your group's project at like he'd told you before, but he was acting so normal? He was the same man that chased you into the elevator, right? Regardless, it's relieving that he hadn't been acting that way anymore. Every interaction was strictly professional and work related, which relieved all the prior tension you had about the whole idea of having him in your group.

It was the end of the final meeting your group had for this project. One of the girls suggested you all go out for dinner together to celebrate. Everyone seemed excited so you felt awkward to decline going with them. Jay had a blank look on his face but still agreed to going. Something felt off, he usually wasn't very expressive but right now it felt different. You brushed it off deciding not to dwell on it too much.

Somehow you ended up in Jay's car on the way to the restaurant. The silence was deafening. You tried to get into someone else's car, or even just uber or walk but he insisted he drive you. He cleared his throat suddenly, making you jump in your seat. "We're here."

The two of you walked into the restaurant together, the rest of your co-workers waved you over. The dinner was nice, it felt relieving to just laugh and eat and drink with people.

Towards the end of the night you excused yourself to take a phone call, Jay's eyes couldn't seem to leave your figure as you walked away.

You finished the call shortly, only to be met by Jay right when you turned around. You were startled when he walked closer to you, backing you against a wall. Feels familiar. "Who was that?" The tone in his voice sent chills down your spine. "I-It was my broth-" He cut you off, not bothering to listen to your reply. He grabbed your face, his hand maneuvering your head, as if inspecting you. "You look like you haven't been sleeping well... is something... bothering you?" Obviously you weren't going to tell him about the dreams. You were so busy trying to think of an excuse that you missed the dark look in his eye. "No I just... stayed up late, working..."

He released his grip on your face, patting your shoulder. "You should be catching up on sleep then since today was our final day working on the project." I nodded in agreement. "Yeah... hopefully I can." He hummed in reply, his hand moving down to gently rub your arm. "Will you need a ride home today?" You had a bad feeling about the way he asked, instantly declining. "No!" You yelled without thinking, making him raise a brow. "No.. sorry, I just- I live close so... it's not necessary." He chuckled at the panic in your voice, "If you say so..."

You arrived home, tossing your purse aside, along with your shoes and coat. You decided a shower was necessary so you gathered your things and headed to the bathroom. For some reason you felt the need to lock the door behind you, even though you live alone.

You stepped into the shower and instantly the warm water relaxed you, easing all the strain in your body.

A sudden thud outside the bathroom door broke you from your calmness. You shut off the water, quickly hopping out of the shower and dressing yourself. You heard the thud again, your hand hovering shakily over the doorknob. Did you really want to go see who or what that was? No. But you had to since it is your apartment. You unlocked the door only to find no one there. You checked every inch of your apartment finding nothing.

You plopped down on your bed with a sigh, holding your head in your hands. Is this was going insane felt like?

A clinking sound came from the kitchen right as you were about to lay down. "Didn't I just check in there..." you mumbled to yourself, getting up and slowly walking back over. Your eyes landed on a glass of water sitting on the counter. That wasn't there before. You walked up to it, lifting and inspecting the glass.

An arm wrapped around your waist, a knife coming up to your throat. You felt your blood run cold when a voice spoke. "Drink it." You trembled in his hold, "I-I don't want to..." He pressed the knife against your neck, the sharp end digging in slightly. Your soft whimper of pain made him sigh. The cut was only deep enough to draw a bit of blood. His intentions were to scare you, not kill you. "I wasn't asking. Drink it." The sharp pain left you in panic and you quickly picked up the glass with shaky hands, gulping it down as fast as you could. After a few seconds he felt your body go limp in his hold.

Your eyes fluttered open and you found yourself in an unfamiliar place. It wasn't the usual dark room with white walls, you were sat in a bed with dim lights illuminating the room. Your arms were tied above your head to the bedframe by red ribbons. This dream is weirder than usual.

You watch the doorknob turn, revealing Jay. "My love, you're awake." He sit's on the edge of the bed next to you, caressing your cheek. He brushes his thumb over your bottom lip as he admires the sight of you. "You look so beautiful like this... tied up... in my bed. Do you like the pretty ribbons I used? I thought they'd look great on you." He traced his fingers over the ribbons tied to your wrists.

"When is this going to stop..." You were saying it more to yourself rather than to him. His face twisted into a sinister smile. "When is what going to stop?" You shifted uncomfortably, refusing to make eye contact with him. "These weird dreams..." His loud laugh echoed in the small room, causing you to jump slightly. "My love, this isn't a dream. How cute of you. It never has been."

"What...? Yes it was... I woke up in my room every time... and went to work..." He ran his hand down your body, letting it rest on your thigh. "That was a gift from me. I was being considerate. I knew how important that project was to you so I let you finish it, love. Now that it's over though, I get to have you."

"Y-You can't be serious-"

"I'm very serious. I would never joke around when it comes to you." He ran his hand up your thigh and it was just then that you noticed. He changed your outfit. Instead of your pajamas he dressed you in a short, all white, babydoll dress. Your eyes began to water and he could tell that if you blinked, tears would fall.

He cooed softly at your frightened state, petting your hair softly. "Don't cry, you can't be sad because you were made for me. I'm supposed to have you." He sounded so deranged, stating it so matter of factly as if that was supposed to ease your anxiousness.

Jay climbed over you, wrapping his hand around your neck and smashing his lips against yours. He squeezed your neck, causing you to gasp so that he could slide his tongue past your lips to taste every inch of your mouth. You made no effort to kiss him back, letting a few small tears slip down your cheeks. He wasn't happy with your non compliance. He pulled away to harshly slap you across the cheek, grabbing back onto your neck after. "Kiss me back before we have a fucking problem, love."

The look on his face was horrifying, it completely distraced you from the sharp sting in your cheek. He forced his lips on yours again and you, of course, kissed him back, fearful of what he might do if you didn't.

He pushed the dress up your thighs so he could squeeze the soft flesh. He parted his lips from yours, a string of saliva connecting your mouths. He burried his face in your neck, deeply inhaling your scent. Jay slid his hands up your body, stopping along the way to squeeze your breasts over the fabric of the dress. You gasped softly when he pulled at the ribbon at the top of the dress, making it come undone so that your cleavage was exposed to him. "Fuck, baby, I've waited so long to have you like this."

All the alarms in your head rung in panic. Your body was still weak from whatever he put in your water earlier but you used the strength you had left to try and kick him away, desperately tugging at the ribbons that kept you tied to the headboard. Jay pinned your legs down with his hands, his fingers digging into your thighs. "Relax. If you don't stop struggling I'll have to hurt you. You don't want that do you?"

You quickly shook your head, a soft sob falling past your lips. He smirked at the sight, letting go of your legs to hike the dress up more. "Good girl." He pulled the top of the dress down under your tits, groaning at the sight of your body. His lips latched onto your nipple, his hand pinching and teasing the other before switching sides to give each one the same treatment. You whined, small tears dripping down your cheeks while you squirmed beneath his touches.

Jay pulled away from your nipple with a 'pop' latching his mouth back onto yours. "Your mouth tastes so good, I can't wait to see how good you taste here..." His finger slid underneath the thin fabric of your lace panties, pushing it to the side. He crawled down between your legs, ignoring your cries and pleas for him to stop.

You were embarassingly wet for someone who didn't want this. He couldn't help but smirk at the sight. "Look's like you want this as much as i do." You rapidly shook your head but nothing was going to stop him now.

He immediately pressed his tongue flat against your cunt, licking in between your folds. He moaned at the taste of you, the vibration sending a jolt through your body. Your whines only encouraged him to keep going. Jay latched his mouth onto your clit, sucking hard while he slipped his index finger into you making you gasp out. He lifted his head, groaning when he felt you clench around his finger. "You're so tight Y/n... can't wait to feel you around my dick"

"No no no no- Jay p-please don't!" He clicked his tongue. "You're saying no..." he slid in a second finger, "but you're gushing around my fingers right now..." you cried out, your head falling back. Jay chuckled leaning his head back in between your legs. "Wanna see you come, baby. Go on, don't be shy."

You gasped and writhed, trying so hard to hold back your orgasm. You didn't want to give him the satisfaction of making you come, you also felt appauled by the fact that your body was so turned on right now. He curled his fingers inside you, hitting the spot that had you squealing and your toes curling. "F-Fuck.." He doubled his efforts, fucking his fingers faster and harder into you. He was so desperate to see you fall apart to his hands. He began sucking on your clit again, making your legs tremble and forming the knot in your stomach. No matter how hard you tried you couldn't have held back this orgasm. You came with a cry, your body shaking while a layer of sweat coated your skin.

The sight of your high was intoxicating to him. He wished he could have it on video to watch at every hour of the day. The way your eyes squeezed shut, your mouth hung open, your chest heaving with every little gasp and moan. He swore he could've come at just the sight alone.

He continued sucking and licking at your folds, making you whimper from overstimulation. When he pulled away you could see the remanings of your arousal on his lips and chin and you felt ashamed of yourself. He, however, was very pleased.

He wasted no time, unbuckling his belt and yanking his pants and boxers down, tossing everything on the floor. He made sure to slip on a condom and before you could fully catch your breath, or even register what he was doing, he plunged his length into you, splitting you in half. A pained moan left your lips as he thrusted relentlessly into you. He pulled your legs over his shoulders to get a better angle.

He could tell you were in pain so he rubbed your swollen clit, quickly turning all that pain into pleasure. You began to wet around him embarassingly fast. "You're disgusting, getting off on being used by the man that kidnapped you." His words ripped a sob from you. The sight of your tears made him groan and twitch inside of you. He picked up the pace, slamming into you so hard that your body moved up on the bed with each thrust.

The room was filled with the sounds of skin slapping, bed creaking, and the wet noises coming from your arousal. He leaned down, capturing your lips in a messy kiss, swallowing all your cries and moans. His lips trailed down to your neck, sucking and biting at your sensitive skin. His fingers tangled into your hair, pulling your head back to give him better access. Jay lifted his head to watch the way your tits bounced as he slammes into you. He moaned at the view, cursing under his breath. He was close. But he didn't want to come yet.

He started to pinch and roll your clit in his fingers, wanting you to come again before he did. The sounds you made brought him so close to the edge and it took everything in him to hold back. He felt you clench around him and he used all his force to slam into just the right spot. "Come. Come on my dick." Your soft pants and gasps quickened as your orgasm approached quickly. Your orgasm ripped through you with an intensity that had your body going limp. Weak cries left your lips as your body convulsed from the white hot pleasure.

He thrusted harshly into your limp body, coming shortly after with your name on his lips. He continued moving inside you until he physically couldn't take it anymore, slipping his softened dick out and laying on his side next to you.

He admired your weak form, the way you'd already knocked out. He caressed your cheek softly, a contrast to his dark and possesive gaze. He pressed a kiss to your lips.

"Sleep well, my love. Tomorrow, all you're going to see is red."

[takemebacktowheniwassane]

i've been seeing a lot of falsettos posts recently deconstructing the fandoms beliefs and firstly

holy fuck thank you, i try to steer clear of fandom (and fandom-izing thereof) drama but this is getting a lot more visible recently so here's some little tidbits for you

whizzer brown is not an unflawed character!

okay so i haven't seen enough dissecting this but!!! in the chess game!

the whole point of marvin using that game to determine the ending of their relationship is because he suspects whizzer is constantly deceiving him and wants to prove it.

whizzer LITERALLY proves him right!

he asks marvin to help him along (yes i know he says he doesn't want help, hear me out, it's a little more complex than that) and takes advantage of the fact that marvin is- like- infatuated with him.

he draws him into a sense of false security then starts throwing accusations at him ("since you need a man!" "what?" "who's 'brainy'," "or witty, move.") until hes able to win, which he does with ease because he's been using marvin having this idea that he isn't smart against him.

of course, marvin's side of this isn't the best either but honestly, for once the fandom should focus on a different character when they think 'insane asshole'. typically we should also probably change our perspectives a little to be more unbiased cuz fr guys, this is getting really.. annoying.

i understand he's the most visibly flawed but that doesn't excuse constantly picking the worst parts of this musical (without other context, btw) to use against him.

and this post certainly isn't here to excuse anyone either i've just got a lot of opinions that i wanted to share while falsettos is.. trending? right?

2. marvin's (headcanoned but still somewhat researched) autism

this one isn't brought up as much but when i do see it around, it's kind of a skewed viewpoint.

while rewatching bits of the proshot i realized a lot of different neurodivergent traits that he shows-

he's helpless during I Never Wanted to Love You and is childish and regressive when he's upset (not every autistic person is like this either, i know this is a bit of a touchy subject so i just wanted to add that).

usually when people depict it i see it either toned down or joked about which is fine when all in good fun, and when its done respectfully.

not here to attack anyone, just here to point it out and say that yes :) he most likely is neurodivergent, but despite that his actions aren't condoned. he's still kinda a dick who needs to get his shit together

3. ..the lesbians also have shit going on?

just putting this out there- I DON'T SEE ENOUGH FOR THE LESBIANS! OR TRINA!

the girls in this musical are like thoroughly neglected and i think that's kind of shitty just assuming the fact that william finn put them in to demonstrate how gender roles put people in degrading positions (and he even makes it more prevalent by showing marvin as something like a misogynistic character who forces whizzer into more feminine roles to show the audience what woman have to/had to go through in society).

anyways, the lesbians aren't just there guys. they have a plotline too. in Something Bad is Happening, you derive a lot from charlotte singing about the outbreak of HIV/AIDS and realize how she operates on a daily basis (she's passionate about her work and takes every bad day as a hit to her life and career, explaining in a way that as a black, jewish, lesbian, FEMALE doctor in this time, everything that goes wrong is immediately brought down on her so much more than it would as any straight white male pharmacist-).

cordelia on the other hand has to handle the fact that her girlfriend is so adamant about her work ethic that she can't actually be super present in their relationship at times like that.

but either way she still sticks by her and is constantly trying to be supportive and endearing despite feeling like she's not amounting to her gf who's basically a hero in her eyes.

i kinda just wanted to bring that up because they mean a lot to me and they don't get enough love from the fanbase, thank you for listening to my TED talk <3

[doink-boink]

I fully think that Zach does what he does because he is a VERY LONELY MAN. He makes robots to do his bidding (keep him company), he acts like he hates dealing with people but leaps at the opportunity to work with the other villains. He's also a genius whose ideas have been scorned since he was little, probably incredibly isolating for a guy who could have taken his ideas and used them in a good way if he was encouraged to do so. Major gifted kid to burned out adult vibes. I just feel like he has a lot of potential......

-Martincrushcameback

Yes!! Regarding leaping at the opportunity to work with the other villains, you can really see that in The Mystery of the Weird Looking Walrus!!

(More under the cut because I ramble for a good while)

He desperately wants Donita's approval as well as her friendship - of course that blows up in his face, not only because he didn't get her the pearl, but also because yknow. He's a big ol liar lol. I haven't watched the episode with it, (as I'm not on season 6) but you can see this when he compliments the Amphi-Trek XT!!

Zach stops himself short as he's about to compliment an invention that Aviva made because he wants approval from Paisley!

I want to explore this more in my fic, especially regarding WHY he and Aviva aren't close. They went science camp together, yes, but the show drops little details between them that implies that they might have actually been friends. Or at least, that's how I interpreted it!

In my AU I think that they were good pals up until Highschool, but Zach's decision to work with animals is what ends that friendship. He had no regard for their feelings and health, using them for his own gain. (Additionally, he starts to use animals/pursue that as concept as AVIVA began working in that field!! He wanted to connect with her, but ended up driving them apart.)

In typical Zach fashion, he refuses to stop what he's doing because it's getting him attention from others, maybe even the school itself, giving him the praise that he needs. His own ego ruins everything!! As it does in the show! Furthering "because it's giving him the praise that he needs" thing, I feel as though he isn't close WHATSOEVER with his parents.

At least, not in the typical fashion. AU wise, I think that Zach has a strained relationship with his father, but was very close to his mother! Want to make it a Moral Orel type deal with Clay's backstory where something happens and his mom is out of the picture, leaving him with his dad. Maybe this happens before he begins to use animals for his bidding? It would make sense! He wants some sort of attention that he isn't getting at home, some sort of acknowledgement that he's doing something good!

Aaaa!! There's so many things to explore with Zach as a character!! He's so fun man. And so very tragic at the same time lol

Also would like to bring attention to his CLEAR want to express his self worth!! I feel like he "looks up to Aviva" in his own weird little way in canon. Of course he is actively 'tearing her down' here, but you can tell that he KNOWS what she's capable of and wants the other villains (that's the context here, I believe it's Paisley's introduction to them) to believe that he's capable.

Even after this it's really clear to see that regardless of how he feels about her, he LIKES Aviva's inventions enough to steal them time and time again!

Dude. Dude just go work with her man it's for your own good... Wink wink nudge nudge I toooootallly won't do this in Somethings Never Change nooooooo

But genuinely, he would have so much to gain from WORKING WITH AVIVA. He wants her companionship so bad man.

Sorry this post got so unbelievably LONG lol, I've got a lot on my mind about these guys. Also apologies that I went on my own little sub tangent about my fic, hope it was okay!!

[orionsangel86]

Who do you think is better suited for dating Morpheus: Johanna or Hob?

Lol controversial ask! Jokes. I am guessing this came off the back of my response to the Calliope post the other week where I mentioned that I am loosely a Dreamling shipper but lean more towards Morphanna currently. I guess I need to specify that it very much depends on my mood because I am a Sandman multishipper at heart but feel different ships serve different purposes regarding Dream. I struggle to stretch them beyond the purposes I have set aside for them. Also it's Dreamling week and so one look at my blog would definitely give the assumption that I am a huge Dreamling shipper but that isn't actually the case. What I am is a Morpheus stan and everything else is peripheral to my focus on him and his story.

But sure lets dig into this. Honest answer? Neither because Morpheus is terrible and his track record alone is enough proof that he should never date anyone ever.

(jokes)

If we want to be sticklers for comic canon here, neither is suited because there are particular blockers in place for both ships.

For Morphanna the blocker is the rule that states that an Endless can not love a mortal. We have the Nada situation to show us what happens when they do. (Sun gets big mad and throws fireballs at the Earth)

For Dreamling the blocker is less carved into stone but its still gonna be a biggy for certain readers/audiences, being that Morpheus is not gay/bi/pan/queer whatever you wanna call him. For all intents and purposes in comic canon he's as straight as a ruler. However whilst we only ever see Morpheus's lovers as powerful, confident, beautiful female presenting immortal beings, we can throw in the tried and true argument we can apply to all of Neil Gaiman's non human beings which is that since he is not a human cis male, he technically can't be straight and since he has multiple forms and is as old as the universe itself, attraction is probably a very different thing to Morpheus than it is to any of us. It's entirely plausible that he could fall in love with a man shaped being (I actually have a meta in progress about Morpheus' potential queerness - sure it may ruffle some feathers but since I do this for fun and not to please anyone but myself I don't give a damn and will post it one day).

Anyway, that said the show could easily do away with both these blockers. We haven't had Nada's tale yet so whats to say the Endless are forbidden from loving mortals in the show universe? Nothing. The show could also easily confirm Dream has had past male presenting lovers (my money would be on Oberon in a threeway situation with Titania - or Pharamond if he shows up.)

So putting those elements aside, who is better suited to Morpheus?

In Johanna's corner we have the following;

She generally fits the archetype of past lovers and therefore could be considered Morpheus's "type" - beautiful, confident, argumentative, not phased by his status, not submissive to him, puts him in his place (listen we all know Morpheus has a submissive kink its practically carved into comic text lol).

Well versed with his "world" and supernatural creatures and can hold her own against them - being a Constantine has its benefits.

She cares - underneath her tough exterior its clear she has a good heart. She was able to bring him down to Earth, to give a human perspective that he needed at that point.

Flawed characters - Johanna considers herself a bad person and compares herself to Roderick Burgess. But Dream is quick to dismiss this. The truth is that Johanna may be messy and a bit of a disaster, but she is very selfless and good at her core. This could be a good thing as it could help Dream to see the good in humanity that he has been missing. Its clear she already helped with this in the show, but going forward, a relationship between them could help even further accelerate his change and make him a better being.

She encouraged the development of his relationship with Matthew. Something else he needed which she saw before he did. Basically she's smart enough to figure out what he needs, and when to press the issue or not. (she dropped the topic of his imprisonment as soon as he deflected to her photo).

She understands heartbreak and messy relationships - I think Johanna would be well suited to Morpheus because she is just as broken as he is, with almost as messy a relationship history. They have common ground there.

"It never ends well does it?" "What? Love?" She's realistic about relationships, which Morpheus - being Dream - needs. She can ground him, at least for a little while.

Johanna is also a powerful ally to have on side, it makes for excellent storytelling to bring her into the narrative regarding Lucifer and the stories revolving around Hell. She's competent, highly skilled, and I think he finds her impressive.

For Hob consider the following:

Friends first - for someone with such a terrible track record of past lovers, finding love in a friend is something Morpheus doesn't appear to have tried before, and this could be exactly what he needs. Dream and Hob have a shared history over 6 centuries, and those are strong foundations to build a relationship on, especially since they've already basically been through the big break up fight and heartbreak and are already in the rekindling phase.

Stories for the storyteller - the beauty of Hob's role is that he is Dream's respite from his world. The visits with Hob are the one time the Prince of Stories gets to sit and listen to stories himself. There must be peace in that, and we all know Dream desperately seeks peace.

Blind Devotion - Hob is patient, and he will wait for Dream. One thing that I think a lot of Morpheus's past lovers had in common is that they struggled to stick out the periods of time when he would throw himself into his work and basically forget about them. The relationships fizzled out after the honeymoon phase because Dream couldn't sustain that, even though once you have his love you have it forever. With Hob that wouldn't be an issue. He is the man who waited. Who never gave up hope that Dream would return even after he was stood up, and when he did return, Hob smiled and joked. It was all okay. Morpheus needs a relationship with that level of chill.

Flawed characters - Unlike Johanna, I think its safe to say that Hob is a very flawed character. He is selfish, greedy, self centered and ignorant to a lot of what takes place around him. Whilst he does grow and improve over time, his flaws are still a huge part of his character. Morpheus is also very far from perfect and it is this that makes them so well suited. There is almost an equal footing there. Hob could potentially see Morpheus's POV when it comes to the grander schemes, but at the same time, it is clear from their journey together in the show that they have a tendency to make each other better.

Grieving fathers - now this is an important one and its something I feel the comic failed to see the potential of. A huge part of the Sandman story is Morpheus struggling to come to terms with his grief over his son. Grief is a central theme. Of all the characters in the comic who Morpheus comes to meet, Hob is one of maybe two that share that experience - being a father whose son died too soon. I think the other character in comic who suffers this same grief is Shakespeare, which is an interesting parallel and one worth exploring. The show adds Roderick Burgess into the equation - making a fathers grief for his dead son the trigger for Dream's own imprisonment. The show emphasises the theme of grief far beyond the comic, which is definitely worth further exploration in a separate meta. The point is that Hob sits in this very small circle of characters who have shared Dream's experience. Hob is therefore in a prime position to help Dream where they can grow and learn to heal together.

Whilst he doesn't fit the archetype for Dream's past lovers, the differences Hob provides could prove to be just what Dream needs. He is still a handsome man (and God knows Dream gave him bedroom eyes in 1789) and he still ticks certain boxes regarding dominance, confidence, and an ability to hold his own in a fight. "You need not have come to my defence" suuuuure Dream but you did enjoy it nevertheless! Therefore attraction isn't an issue.

Conclusion?

Both Johanna and Hob tick certain boxes to meet the requirements for "love interest" and could easily be positioned that way for Dream. When I really dig down into it I think it depends on what fans are looking for in a Dream ship as to which character is best suited.

I love Morphanna for how messy it is. Yes, Johanna cares and has a good moral centre, but placing her into a certain role within the bounds of the canon story could actually be bad for Dream going forward. I see it as a dramatic relationship. It would be passionate, fiery, dramatic, chaotic, and will end in heartbreak.

I say this because ultimately Johanna doesn't do commitment. This is a clearly defined character trait in the show. Commitment is something she struggles with. Whereas Morpheus is all about commitment. He doesn't appear to do anything BUT commit to people and comes on extremely strong. I love exploring this dynamic between them. I think it would work brilliantly as a canon ship and I am still resolutely behind the idea that Johanna should replace Thessaly in canon and be the trigger for the rainsoaked Dreaming and the Brief Lives disaster trip.

So whilst I 100% ship Morphanna, I think I only ship it on a temporary basis. I struggle to imagine a future where they can have a happy ending and be together long term. Instead I see an ending where after all is said and done, Johanna stands and tells her story at the Wake, and mourns the creature she loved, and has to go on struggling to understand her role in his downfall. If we are seeking an alternative ending where Morpheus lives, I still struggle to see him settling down with Johanna as she is a mortal and I cannot imagine her ever choosing immortality or giving up her job as someone who saves people from the supernatural. She will never be Morpheus's queen. It just doesn't suit her character.

When it comes to Hob, as much as it sometimes irks me to admit it, he is very well suited for Morpheus even in an endgame/alternative happy ending way. Foundations based in centuries of growing friendship, his patience and ability to wait for Morpheus to get his head out of his ass, his being unphased at practically all the weirdness and oddities that Dream's world brings with it. The fact is, Hob is Dream's best friend. This is something that Dream needs so much more than a lover. Not only that but he is a friend who has shared history, shared grief, shared pain, blind devotion, and he is immortal. Hob will stay by Dream's side forever if he has the chance. So long as he still gets to live. Whether you see it as purely platonic, queer platonic, non sexual romantic, or fully romantic and sexual, they are in it for the long term.

Whereas Morphanna for me is a quick burning fiery passionate love affair that ends in tears and A LOT of rain, Dreamling is a very slow burn. I struggle with canon based fics that have them falling into bed shortly after the 2022 reunion because it feels out of character to me. If Dreamling were to happen, it would need to take practically the entire comic run story to get to that point. Hob's devotion to Dream is clear, but his awareness of its romantic potential is not yet there. I always return to Hob's dream in Sunday Mourning when I think of Dreamling, because for me, that is where a relationship between them would actually start, rather than end. Because I think it would take a huge event like Morpheus's actual death for them to pull their heads out of their asses and get together. Because you see even with all the arguments and debates and highly emotional opinions thrown around, I still feel deep down like Sunday Mourning is telling us that Morpheus escaped. He got out the narrative and is free from his cage, and now he's set for his own adventure off in the stars. The only person I can realistically imagine him taking with him is Hob Gadling.

At the end of the day these are my opinions. I want canon Morphanna, I just want it to end with a horrible messy break up because I want that drama. I am unsure if I want Dreamling in canon, but I do hope that if the show ends similarly to the comic, that we will get those scenes in Sunday Mourning and have them be extremely emotionally charged - if ever there is a Dreamling love confession, that is where it belongs. I can only really analyse my opinions on these ships based on canon but I am aware that fandom is a big sandbox and people can do what they want always with these characters. Please don't ever let my opinions deter you from shipping them to your hearts content in any way you feel like.

So I guess the TL:DR is that they are both suited in different ways. Morphanna is a mid story passionate love affair that I adore and want to end in disaster. Dreamling is an endgame slow burn friends to lovers that has the potential to go long term.

I love them both for their specific purposes, believe they both are suited for those purposes, but never the other way around. I hope this satisfies your question! :)

[curtsbigspoon]

So I already sent one in- But I had to delete my account because something went absolutely hay-wire with it, It's under the same name- But I'm not sure if it'll translate back- But I asked about Crosby anything. I'd bite at the bar of my fucking cage for it. I'm obsessed with Crosby, I'm not sure if you do write anything about him. If you don't, that's completely fine. Just ignore this if that's the case. I've just been dying for any crumbs of Crosby content-

My ask box is otherwise empty so I'm assuming it got deleted with your account. But fear not sweet creature, ask and ye shall recieve!

I did ask my pookie @johnslittlespoon a little about this one, just because as much as I do love cros and do intend on writing him and stuff, I haven't had a lot of chances yet, other than my most recent post where I spoke about him x bubbles as well as him x rosie. But i wanted to deliver still, so I can give you some more headcanons.

Feel free to ask for like more thought out stuff, or snippet things because I will attempt, I just never know what to provide unless someone is specific so forgive me 😭SPOILERS AHEAD BOYS!!!

crosby has always drank black coffee, ever since he got the taste of it, can't stick anything else. the first time bubbles offers to make him a cup he doesn't think to specify, is just grateful enough that they offered. it takes a lot for him to swallow his first sip, tries not to make it obvious, offering a smile and a nod. he's so used to taking sips whilst he's deep in his work that he inevitably winds up finishing the cup. gets up to go and make himself another, desperate for his preferred taste, only for bubbles to spawn out of nowhere offering to get him another one. he tries to politely decline but "i was gonna make myself one anyhow" and now he can't refuse or he'll look rude.

this bit's a tiny bit angsty but after bubbles dies, crosby can't drink the sweet stuff again. he tries to for the very first time after hearing, thinks it'll be something to to keep the memory. but it gets too hard, he winds up being sick, goes back to drinking black coffee because he can't stand the reminder of losing his best friend. well, up until he's deep in work and rosie comes along to see how he's doing, brings him a cup, and it's sweet and he probably drops his face into his hands and gets worked up but- (GUNSHOTS)

this one's especially based on the newest episode but, crosby's used to being seen as more timid right? will immediately stand up to admit when he's done something wrong but before it even gets to that point you can see it eating away at him. he might be able to handle a few comments here and there about himself, never quite willing to turn hostile because it's war, there's worse things happening and it's not worth getting worked up over. but the minute you say a single bad thing about his friends? oh it's over. he'll use his authority, put the fear of god into you, suddenly snap out of nowhere, no a soul can sense it's coming. he means business.

once again talked about in my last post but this man does not sleep, whether it's because of work or anxiety. he probably gets up and paces about, maybe goes to sit outside, goes somewhere, anywhere to clear his head. (angst) but he probably goes somewhere he knows he'll be alone, will talk to bubbles as if he's sitting beside him, laugh about good stuff that's happened, spill his guts about the things eating away at him, referring to fond memories they used to share.

[historicallyaccuratecheese]

Here is the third of the posts I'm making that detail my thoughts on every episode of The Magnus Archives. This post details my thoughts on episodes 31-40, the last episodes of Season 1. I've absolutely loved this final quarter, and documenting it has been a really fun (and kind of traumatizing but I'll get to that) experience.

Please keep in mind a few things before you read this.

1: This post is LONG. Like I mean LOOOOOONNNGG. If you read this all in one sitting, I will be both humbled and concerned for your wellbeing, so just...keep that in mind.

2: Obviously there will be spoilers for all of the first season, so if you haven't listened to that, steer clear. If you have listened ahead of Season 1, which I'm assuming most people reading this have, please don't spoil any future episodes for me :).

3: I recommend reading my posts on previous episodes before this one, as I will make reference to them a few times. There is a link to my masterpost of them above the cut. With that, enjoy! :)

- Episode 31, First Hunt 🦌

Statement of Lawrence Mortimer, regarding his hunting trip to Blue Ridge, Virginia.

Jonathan Sims is the only guy ever. The man walks into his office, probably sleep deprived and without any caffeine in his bloodstream, does the best impression of a jolly old English man he can muster for twenty minutes straight, sings his little heart out at one point, and then proceeds to call the story about someone being hunted bullshit while he stares at the ceiling in dread of the evil sex worms hunting him. Btw, I will admit that last bit was a little annoying. Usually I’m fine with Jon calling statements dumb, as I think it adds to the loser old man twink vibe I get from him, but when he straight up sees a similarity between one paranormal occurrence and another, and one or said occurrences is haunting him in real time, his denial just came off as kind of frustrating, especially considering how he usually does pick up on connections between statements. Ok enough about Jon (I just love/affectionately hate him so much I’m sorry), more about the actual story. Well firstly, the portrayal of America was genuinely kind of perfect. I’m glad that more people around the world are able to learn about the horrors of The Appalachian Trail. (These specific horrors don’t get the sparkles, they’re just that fucked up.) I did also really like the whole role reversal with animals hunting humans, it oddly reminds me of some of the themes in Episode 30, but the flavor and execution is very different. I do also wonder if the presence of a lycanthrope somehow connects to the vampires in Episode 10, since I usually group those two monsters specifically. And much like the vampires, I actually really liked how the lycanthrope was portrayed here, it had a lot more intelligence than the average werewolf, where the human and animal forms are usually entirely different minds. Also, it not being able to die was…genuinely really fucking scary with the way it was described. And while I do have a distaste for hunting, I did genuinely feel pretty bad for Lawrence and Arden, neither of them deserved what happened to them. Finally, there’s the ending of the episode, which was…yikes. It’s genuinely quite shaking to see Jon this terrified, like he’s really started to realize how bad things are getting. I always love seeing him outside of when he’s reading statements, and I just UGH I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOOOOUUU. Honestly that’s probably my only kind of big frustration with the podcast. I mean, I still love the statements obviously, and they’re clearly working hard in the world-building and foreshadowing department, so it’s hardly affecting my enjoyment, but episodes like Colony and A Distortion are some of my favorites in the show so far, and it just makes me want to see more of what’s going on at the institute, and what the people who work there are like. Hopefully more episodes like those ones will show up soon, as I’d like the season to end on a special note. Well, aside from that, this was a very solid episode, and given the title of the next episode…well, I think my wishes will be granted soon. (JANE PRENTISS STATEMENT SAVE ME!!!)

I just realized that I’m basically writing my own statements here whoa.

- Episode 32, Hive 🐝

Statement of Jane Prentiss, regarding a wasps’ nest in her attic.

….The Jane Prentiss statement saved me, but NOT IN THE WAY I WANTED IT TO. (LIKE, IT WAS PHENOMENAL, MIGHT JUST BE MY NEW FAVORITE, BUT FUUUUUCCCKK.) Firstly, I think part of what made this statement so amazing was how it was framed. This is definitely the most cryptic story so far, valuing symbolism over a concise structure, but I actually felt like that worked perfectly here. Since Jane is practically deteriorating while writing this, it feels like she’s contemplating things we couldn’t even imagine. While also being aware of the true horrors she has now become witness and host to. And mentioning the symbolism, MY GOD IS IT GOOD. The Flesh Hive (and no, I’m not calling it the sex worms anymore, that ship has sailed) in particular is such an interesting concept, I mean, it’s more of a concept incarnate than any other horror so far. The way it reflects the metaphorical hive, the insect ecosystem that exists all around us, which in turn reflects a sort of toxic codependency and need to be loved, which is also reflected through Jane, and it all ends up as a combination between the concept of love and disgusting insects, it’s just, UGH I LOVE IT SO MUCH. On top of that, this is absolutely my favorite of Jonny Sims’ performances so far. He captured Jane, along with her shift into becoming a part of The Flesh Hive extremely well, but also mixes it with the genuine terror that Jon is feeling. Speaking of which, while it was certainly cathartic to see Jon admit that what’s happening is very real and very paranormal, it was also very terrifying in its own right. Either something very weird is happening in the archives (I mean, obviously SOMETHING is weird but Jon could be…well, he certainly isn’t normal, but, like, he doesn’t have to be PARAnormal, you know?), or, Jon has had some VERY weird experiences in his past, which I think is more likely. What they are, I don’t know, but I think they’re something similar to this, considering how he said that something in the statement had gotten to him. (Stay safe my poor little meow meow babygirl-) As for the story outside of just themes, I don’t have much to say honestly, it was still fantastic, just very simple due to the abstract nature of the episode. All I’ll say is that it was obviously terrifying, and I feel really bad for Jane. I don’t care if she was canonically “toxic” or whatever, she still deserved better than what happened to her, and the level of emotional distress she was in was absolutely chilling. (On the bright side though she kind of slays as an evil worm lady but I digress.) Anyways, the last thing I have to talk about is theories, because MY GOD, this gave me quite a bit to work with. (This is becoming a massive wall of text so I’m going to make a cut.)

Firstly, I think it’s time to go back to my theory about cults and higher powers. There’s been at least one instance of a cult via The People’s Church of The Divine Host, but due to characters like Gerard Keay, the other guy in the hospital, Sarah Baldwin, potentially The Lukas Family, potentially Jurgen Leitner, likely The Circus of The Other, and more, I feel like there are multiple cults and multiple higher powers, potentially at odds with each other given what happens in Episode 12. And I think this applies to this episode, as Jane was a practicing witch, and The Flesh Hive seems to be some kind of higher power as well. I think other higher powers might be The Anglerfish, the growing darkness, something associated with eyes, maybe “Micheal”, and some other potential candidates. Overall it does feel like the podcast is leaning towards the eldritch kind of horror (which is my absolute jam btw), so I hope I’m right in my assumptions. As for what these higher powers may want, I feel like maybe they’re…punishing humanity for their hubris? Like, I know that assumption might sound like it’s coming from someone who can only view these sorts of things from a religious perspective, but hear me out, because you have episodes like Do Not Open, Alone, Lost Johns’ Cave, Confession and Desecrated Host, Freefall, Skintight, First Hunt, and even this one with how Jane is practicing witchcraft, where characters who are comfortable in situations that many would find scary, and are then scared while in that situation. The only possible exception is in Arachnophobia, where Carlos is already scared of what he’s haunted by, but you could argue that he was being punished for a potential curiosity with spiders he had when he was younger. So yeah, those are some small thoughts I had about how some of this all ties together, but I had a couple of other small observations as well. Firstly, the presence of spiders in Jane’s attic. She implies that they exist separately from The Flesh Hive, so I do wonder if they tie into what happened in Episode 16 at all, especially considering that the worms were in fact mentioned there. Secondly, there’s her mention of “fools chasing fractals”. If that doesn’t tie into Episode 8 with Ivo’s father, I don’t know what does. Thirdly, her landlord was smoking a cigarette, which just reminds me of everything involving The Anglerfish (although I checked to see if he was mentioned in Ep. 1 like Sarah and no, he wasn’t.) And fourthly, one that was mentioned in the YouTube comments, Antonio from Ep. 11 was said to be working at a Crystal shop, had a somewhat similar experience where his mind was directly connected to ✨the horrors✨over a long period of time, and was also under a fake name. They said that maybe this would explain why that one guy looked at her sadly, maybe he was “Antonio” and knew what was going on, and while I’m not 100% sold on the idea, I thought it was interesting.

So…yeah. That was…an experience. Suffice to say, I am terrified. I’m terrified of Jane, for Jane, for Jon, for The Institute, and for my sanity as I delve deeper into the never ending rabbit hole that is The Magnus Archives. (I have 168 episodes left, Christ.) This episode is phenomenal, and there’s probably a lot I didn’t even talk about but…I think I’m going to lie down now, maybe get an exterminator contact ready just in case…auuughhhh.

- Episode 33, Boatswain’s Call ⛴️

Statement of Carlita Sloane, regarding her work on a container ship traveling from Porto do Itaqui to Southampton.

Oh thank god some time to breathe after last episode. I mean…not really, but you know what I mean. I’ll start off with what is the obvious highlight of the episode: TIM!!! I said earlier that I feel like he has bastard energy, and I was…kind of right about that? He’s nicer than I expected though. As for whether I love or hate him…yeah I’m leaning towards loving him, he’s fun :). Also, I absolutely love how they retconned errors in previous episodes at the beginning, that’s super funny and a really clever workaround to discrepancies. But how about the statement? Well, I will start with my one slight critique, that being that this is one of the least scary episodes for me so far. Which like, I feel like Rusty Quill knows that, since Jon outright says there’s nothing really paranormal here, but it’s ultimately whatever. Still though, the atmosphere here was really well done, the whole vibe of a creepy boat was captured very well through the writing, no outright big scares in the episode, but it did a very good job keeping me on edge. One of the moments that did genuinely make me pretty damn scared was when Carlita was digging through the shipping containers, and was then called out to the lifeboat by the rest of the crew. As someone with a very deep fear of being caught doing something people don’t want me to do, (even though my cowardly ass would never even bother), that certainly made me feel really uneasy, even though she was fine in the end. There’s not a whole lot to say here honestly, other than a few observations and theories. Firstly, I’m really glad we got some more insight into The Lukas Family! Episode 13 is still a favorite for me, so it’s nice to see connections to it showing up. This episode didn’t really reveal that much, other than that they help fund the institute, which like, is good way to keep them from investigating the weird shit the family seems to get up to honestly. And given the presence of the fog, as well as the overarching theme of isolation present with them, if I didn’t think they were responsible for what happened in Episode 13 already, I absolutely think so now. I also do really think that Evan was a family traitor of some kind, since he was very social, which opposes what the family seems to stand for. Lastly, I’ll mention my thoughts on Sean Kelly. I definitely believe that the crew of The Tundra killed him, but I also wonder if he was responsible for what was making the crew so antisocial, as that would explain why they started acting social after his death. It also makes me wonder whether or not I’m supposed to believe that the captain was involved or not….hm. Overall a good episode, I liked it, but there’s not much more to say on it.

Ok there is actually one other thing I did actually notice in retrospect. It’s very interesting to me that despite this being arguably the LEAST paranormal statement so far, despite the connections to The Lukas Family, Jon still seems very certain that something is weird here, more than he usually is. It really feels like everything with Jane has given him a new perspective…I’m scared…

- Episode 34, Anatomy Class 🍎

Statement of Dr. Lionel Elliot, regarding a series of events that took place during his class, ‘Introduction to Human Anatomy and Physiology’ at King’s College, London. Statement taken direct from subject.

So, fun fact, before I really got into TMA, this was one of the episodes I had heard mentioned here and there, and I knew nothing about it, other than the fact that people really seemed to like it. And now that I’ve finally listened to it myself, I can absolutely see why. Firstly, I’ll start off a bit by talking about Dr. Elliot, as I thought he was a pretty interesting character. I just kind of liked his general vibe, and his voice actor did a fantastic job at selling how distraught he was by the experience, although it does make me hope he’ll be ok after everything that happened to him. I also loved his conversation with Jon at the beginning (he’s awesome for respecting the tape recorder btw), and while it is a bit of a shame to see Jon go back to not really believing a case that much, I still felt like it was decently justifiable here, as the evidence admittedly isn’t the best. (Also his reaction to the apple was fantastic lmao.) But as for the actual statement, I agree with the common sentiment that it was…kind of cute? Like, don’t get me wrong, it is still a damn scary scenario. The weird shit the students get up to, the fact they are very clearly not human, their general vibe, and the implication that they killed a professor who failed to teach them are all horrifying, but…I don’t know, there’s some very real charm to this one as well. Like, even though their motives for wanting to seem more human are probably more sinister than this, I do like to imagine that they’re just wanting to relate to humans, so they decided to…enroll in college I guess. Like, if Dr. Elliot vibed with them more, this could have spun off into a very fun, slightly morbid college comedy. I do also love how genuinely polite they were as well, like, all of this considered, I absolutely get why people love this episode, it’s just genuinely very creative and a lot of fun. As for theories, honestly I don’t have that many, although someone in the YouTube comments (which by the way, I REALLY need to thank everyone there for being very resistant to spoiling, it means a whole lot for new listeners like myself), stated that there were some odd similarities between certain things that happened in this episode, and some of the stuff found in the bags in Episode 5. It makes me wonder if all of the bin bags contained discarded research materials being used by the students (which actually makes the art student jokes people were making in the comments even funnier in retrospect), and if the “him” Alan Parfitt came across was one of the students. Oh, and all of the bone imagery kind of reminds me of Episode 17 as well, and the teeth stuff kind of reminds me of Episode 10 (maybe the anatomy students are vampires…hm.) Outside of that, this was just a really fun and great episode, and I hope that Dr. Elliot comes back in the future just to see where this potential plot line could go.

- Episode 35, Old Passages 🔨

Statement of Harold Silvana, regarding discoveries made during the renovation of the Reform Club, Pall Mall.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH I’M SCARED!!!!!!! Man, this final quarter has been REALLY solid so far, like, the fact that Hive, Anatomy Class, and now this are so close together is genuinely stunning. Once again, there is QUITE a bit to unpack here, so I’ll take it one step at a time. I’ll start by talking about the elements of the episode that are…less brainrot inducing, as that’s easiest to discuss. Firstly, I remember that Sasha mentioned a “Harold Silvana” case back in Episode 24, so it’s really cool to see that brought back here! But moving on from that neat little tidbit, I’ll start talking about the actual statement. Yeah this one was just really creepy. The story itself was a bit shorter than other statements, but it still did a good job at creating dread. The hallways underneath the club were genuinely very unnerving, and it was also sad to see Alfred die, I thought that Harold’s comment about there being little to no one to remember him was pretty depressing. I also do wonder if the reason the members of The Reform Club didn’t want the architects to get involved with it any further was because they were aware of the hallways, and maybe making use of the strange forces down there. I mean, it just feels kind of fitting to have a high society like faction be involved in some shady business, you know? Also, I noticed that Jon’s vocal delivery of Harold was quite in line with his usual voice, which just makes me feel like they would get along if they met, idk. But honestly, while I think that the basic plot of this episode is still good, it PALES in comparison to the amount of connections it provides. Firstly, Jurgen Leitner. This fucking guy. You know what, I think the guy who made the rant about him was right, why DOES he have so many fucked up books? I…genuinely don’t know what to think of this guy. On one hand, his irritable nature that’s displayed here, and his desire to have all of this dangerous literature do raise some red flags, but it’s also possible that he only wishes to keep these books safe from those who would use them from bad purposes, as there’s no real record of him doing anything bad with them. Still though…he unnerves me, but it was cool to finally have him actually appear in a statement. Secondly, GERARD KEAY LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOO. I don’t even KNOW where this guy stands morally, but I just get happy whenever this weird little emo man shows up and I don’t know why. Anyways, I…think that this helps piece the timeline surrounding him together…a bit. What I can say for certain is that the Leitner he got here is the same one Mary Keay uses in Episode 4 (which might also be The Boneturner’s Tale, but I doubt it since that one revolves around bending already existing bones, while this one is about creating new ones), so it must have come into her hands some time after this episode. But outside of that, all of the things this episode did that surrounded him was just make me more intrigued, honestly. After Episode 12, I started to think that he was against some evil forces, like his mother and the other guy in the hospital, but that he probably still served his own forces (given the creepy eye symbolism, which I do believe is evil given the church in Episode 20 and the crypt in Episode 23), so he comes off as kind of an anti-villain to me. And this episode didn’t really change that, although I do question his motives for grabbing the Leitner. He’s seemingly been established to have a negative relationship with his mother as an adult, but given that he was younger here, I wonder if they were on better terms in the past, and he actually gave the Leitner to her out of his own will before a potential fall out. Eh, food for thought, I just think he’s really neat. (Making a cut because this is very long now.)

Thirdly, we have Robert Smirke. Firstly, I checked and he was indeed a real person! I’m very glad to see the podcast slightly demonize a British Museum architect, that feels deserved honestly. Ok, I say demonize because this guy built a bunch of terrifying hallways, but granted he could be good idk. Assigning characters strict moral alignments at this point is pretty hard tbh. Anyways, I don’t have that much to say about Smirke himself, other than that I think he was definitely involved with at least one of the major cults we’ve seen, and that he might have ties to some of the recurring creepy churches we’ve seen so far. …I might have to check if the real person actually worked on Hither Green Chapel or not, just in case. What does concern me is the hallways. Obviously, thirteen is a bad sign (I know it’s technically fourteen but like you get the idea, it’s framed as thirteen in the script when the architects enter the central room), but someone in the comments pointed out odd similarities between the hallways and previous episodes. Ones that stood out to me was one that was described as entirely dark, another with cobwebs in it, and the first corridor, which was described in an EERILY similar manner to Lost Johns’ Cave. I don’t know, it very well might just be me going insane, but I feel like the passages here are meant to reprisent certain…feelings throughout the series. Maybe not more sentient entities like, for example, The Anglerfish, but like, I could see a corridor similar to the weird foggy graveyard from Episode 13, or the dreams from Episode 11. Basically I think the passages are meant to connect to the more environmental horrors we’ve seen so far. It’s just…AGH THIS PODCAST IS DRIVING ME INSANE AND I’M BARELY COHERENT ANYMORE. Ok, I’ll wrap things up with some brief comments on the ending. Oh dear god the ending. Firstly, is it wrong that Jon’s surprise at the worms in his office made me jump more than anything else in the show so far? Like, considering how terrifying these statements are…that just feels like a disservice from me to the writers and directors, Idk. But secondly (ignoring the worms because I’ve gone on long enough about them)…Breekon and Hope…hi….oh no. They…they were very creepy…I’m guessing they’re twins because they’re very Shining-core to me….and considering that they are the same men who showed up in Episode 2 (or at least prominent to the delivery company those men were a part of)….I do not like the idea of them giving a package to Jon. Needless to say I do not want Jon to open that package. I think that is a bad idea. And I do not like how they encouraged Martin to turn off the recording. I…I think I’m going to go to bed now…

Speaking of bed, I’m sorry if this one wasn’t very coherent lmao. I’m just really tired right now and…yeah this podcast is pulling me into a very deep rabbit hole that I do not think I was prepared for as I thought I would be. Well, anyways, hopefully my incoherency at the very least makes it clear how insane I am about this episode. (Oh also I checked and no, Robert Smirke did not work on Hither Green Chapel, but I still find his work on churches interesting…)

- Episode 36, Taken Ill ✋

Statement of Nicole Baxter, regarding visits culminating in the fire that consumed Ivy Meadows Care Home in Woodley, Greater Manchester.

Unlike last episode, which is just making my brain spiral until it turns to goo, this one was definitely a bit more digestible. That being said…AAAAGUHFGHHGGHHHHHJJJJKKKKKKKKKNGDFGHHJJBFFHHJJNN!!!! I am in LOVE with how everything is coming together, it’s just, UGH it’s so satisfying! The amount of recurring elements, the fact that so many theories and bits of foreshadowing are being validated, it’s just…YES! I LOVE THIS PODCAST SO FUCKING MUCH AND I’M BOTH EXCITED AND TERRIFIED FOR THE END OF THE SEASON! JANE IS COMING HOME BITCHES!!!! Ok…sorry I just needed to get that out of my system, now I’ll talk about this depressing ass statement. Because yes, this one was really messed up! Seeing such a lovely sweet place where the people were able to find community even in their somewhat dire circumstances get absolutely torn apart by an even more terrifying version of death from rot and illness, which already majorly affects the elderly in real life….yeah it was upsetting! I mean, it was good, fantastic storytelling as always but DAMN. Also as someone who does have quite a notable fear of just…generally gross shit, this one did hit home quite a bit. The part where it’s implied Nicole cut off her own hand due to the constant pestilence coming back to haunt her (which did actually remind me of the history of the house on Hill Top Road, as well as the ghost spider…hm…), was genuinely kind of hard to stomach. Honestly the only thing about this episode that WASN’T terrifying was the humor of Nicole’s uncle keeping his estranged partner’s name in his business out of spite. That was actually very funny. So yeah, overall a very terrifying statement, but what about…✨the connections✨ (yeah they get the sparkles as well, who are you to judge). So starting with the obvious, the similarities to The Flesh Hive and Jane Prentiss. I do indeed think that the mysterious force here is either the same thing or something VERY adjacent to The Flesh Hive (but also the yellow shit in Episode 18), and that this episode 100% confirms that Jane isn’t being controlled or anything, but is dead, and the hive is just controlling her body now (which like, was already pretty obvious, but this just confirms it to me.) However, one thing that concerns me about these similarities more than anything else is John Amherst. From my point of view, it was implied that Mr. Amherst was consciously responsible for the spread of the illness, which is in stark contrast to Jane, who only started spreading her worms due to her infection and loss of sanity. This makes me thing that maybe John was somehow involved in getting the hive to absorb Jane, but really who knows? I do admittedly think it would be more interesting if Jane was chosen by the hive itself, but still, I think it would be interesting if her apotheosis was a part of some greater plot. Another thing that ties to Jane that I’m kind of curious about is Nicole’s opening words about fear, which Jon compares to Jane’s statement. It just got me thinking about some other theories which then made me think…what if the eldritch horrors that seem to be behind everything, the things that all of the cults worship, are meant to represent different fears. What if that’s what the different passages in Episode 35 represent (so like, claustrophobia for the first passage, and then stuff like the dark, falling and spiders for other ones.) This theory still needs a LOT of time to flesh itself out, but I’ll put a list of what I think some of the eldritch forces are after I write about the rest of the episode. I might be crazy, but given how “fear” is reoccurring throughout as a theme, more so than a lot of other horror, I have to wonder about this.

Ok, another thing that rattled my brain was…TREVOR THE FUCKING TRAMP? I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD? At first I thought he and his companion might be The Fairchilds from Episode 21, but the reveal of his actual identity was a complete shock. Not that I’m complaining though, he’s one of my favorite statement givers so far. Either way, I’m very curious about his presence here, as well as the identity of his companion, and what role they might serve in the plot. Considering that it’s implied they burnt down the care home, and that Trevor hunts vampires for a living, I feel like these guys are probably trying to combat the horrors, but much like Gerard, I wonder if it’s for entirely moral purposes. And finally we have the ending. Oh boy the ending. I know I’m always saying “this is terrifying” or “the archives are in deep shit now” or something along those lines like…whenever ANYTHING relevant happens at the institute, but like, can you blame me? This is mortifying, I do not want my favorite workplace comedy cast to end up in grave danger, and yet I have to cope with the fact that they probably already are. So, the lighter isn’t the most concerning thing ever, I mean, the spider web pattern is interesting, and given the prominence of cigarettes (as well as Gerard’s lighter in Episode 12), I know I should be suspicious about it. But honestly? I’m more concerned about the table. Because…of course I am. I don’t know what this table does, I just know that it is creepy, that anything Breekon and Hope deliver is bad news, that the implication they gave it to Graham Folger is also terrifying, and that I do not like it’s presence in the artifact storage. Why I am I even saying this, of course I’m scared, you should already know that I am not prepared for whatever comes up in these last four episodes, and beyond. End recording or whatever the fuck.

Ok, so as promised here’s what I think some of ✨the horrors✨ are, and what episodes I think they might appear in

- The Anglerfish (1, 28)

- The Sky, I Guess (4, 21)

- The Flesh Hive (6, 22, 26, 32, 36, maybe 18)

- The War Incarnate? (7)

- Heat aligned entity, called Asag? (8, 12, 18, 20)

- The darkness (9, 15, 25)

- Eyes (4, 12, 20, 23)

- Something aligned with isolation (13, 33)

- Bone Thing (4, 14, 17, 35) (This could be the same thing as the sky due to their connection with Leitners)

- Spiders (16, 22, 32, 35, 36 via the lighter)

- MEAT (18, 30)

- Whatever The Circus of The Other serves (24)

- “Micheal” (26, maybe 8?)

- And then probably something I’m missing due to the 14 corridors

I excluded some things like shapeshifters and vampires, since they seem to be species, Breekon and Hope, The Keay and Lukas Familes, Jurgen Leitner, etc., because they all seem to be servants of ✨the horrors✨ rather than horrors themselves (although I do think “Micheal” is an exception based on vibes alone), stuff like the table and the coffin, which are more like creepy artifacts than anything else, and then other stuff like whatever was trying to get inside Paul McKenzie’s room, which I just don’t know enough about. But…yeah! The ideas are very scattered right now, but I feel like I’m slowly piercing together what the horrific forces of this world might be (on the assumption that’s what we’re dealing with here, which I see no reason not to honestly)

UPDATE: Ok so after some thought I’m not too sure about the idea of ✨the horrors✨ literally representing different types of fear. I think that could still be the case with the passages, but the things I presume to be eldritch beings (like whatever is behind all the bones), while obviously not devoid of themes, are just a bit too specific for this to work. I still think the things I listed are likely to be big bad eldritch horrors, I just think I was a little bit off with what I think they represent, and I need to rethink my steps. Also, this is all on the assumption that there is more than one big evil here. I think it’s likely due to a lot of Gerard’s dialogue in Episode 12, but yeah…this theory only works if another theory is also true. Either way, I do think that the podcast will really delve into fear as a concept, and the psychology behind it, as time goes on, based on themes alone. Ok I’ve talked long enough, on to episode 37.

- Episode 37, Burnt Offering 🍼

Statement of Jason North, regarding the discovery of an alleged ritual site found near Loch Glass in Scotland.

If there was any episode that proves a shorter one isn’t necessarily a worse one, it was absolutely this. Because while the statement is short, and comparatively simple compared to a lot of others, DAMN. I really liked this one. However, I’ll start simple with the stuff that happened outside the statement. Firstly, man…poor Jon. It’s been really interesting but also…really sad seeing his mental state deteriorate over the course of the season, and I hope that he’ll at least be able to get some rest at some point in the near future, although it does feel like a storm is going to come soon. I also found Martin’s scene here interesting as well, as you can tell that he’s still feeling nervous after what happened in Episode 22, and that things haven’t exactly gotten better. The other thing of note is the table, which…yeah, it’s still worrying. I don’t know WHAT this thing does, although I do think it’s interesting that it shows up in an episode that seems to involve the heat related entity from Episode 12 and the Hill Top Road statements. This is because I strongly suspect that the box Ivo found beneath the tree belonged was actually the missing piece of the table, so I feel as if maybe it connects to the heat entity. This might also mean that Graham’s stress could’ve been due to the heat, as well as the monster that stole his identity, although I do have to question where exactly this would fit in with Episode 12. Still though, this does all intrigue me. I also find it curious that the box Ivo found contained an apple with spiders inside (which also kind of brings back thoughts about Episode 34), and that the other thing Breekon and Hope brought to Jon was a lighter with a spiderweb design on it. I’m connecting the dots! (I’m not connecting shit, am I.) But as for the statement…yikes. This is up there with Jane’s statement as being one of the most visceral, one where you really understand the mental state of the author. Like, you can FEEL Jason’s pain here, and having him get genuinely angry with the institute at the beginning was kind of chilling. Obviously it’s not the first time that’s happened, but usually the people who got angry with the institute were ones giving statements live, while here, you hear that anger coming from Jon’s mouth and it’s…off. Also, can I just say that this guy got screwed over so badly? He literally just dropped a bottle of old milk on the ground, and then as punishment he had his entire life literally set ablaze, and had to kill himself to protect his 4-year old son. That’s genuinely like…so fucked up and it’s not even something I can joke about! Really the only thing I can joke about is the mention of Pine Martins being tiny and adorable, which to me is meant to say that Martin Blackwood is tiny and adorable (if that wasn’t already obvious to me.) God I love Martin so much….What was I talking about? Oh yeah,✨the horrors✨. So I guess the only thing left to talk about now is connections.

Well, as I stated earlier, I think the eldritch entity associated with heat that has likely appeared multiple times before appears here as well, obviously. And if Ep. 12 didn’t already give me suspicions, this one absolutely solidified that there is a cult serving this entity. It doesn’t say much about the history of the house on Hill Top Road or what was going on with the man in the hospital, but it’s interesting nonetheless. But of course, the most interesting thing here is the bottles with pictures of Gertrude Robinson in them. …Oh dear. Firstly, I learned that this scene was actually inspired by the experiences of a real person on an old Rusty Quill forum, which is really cool! But aside from that, I’m wondering…is this meant to tell us how Gertrude died? I initially thought her presence here was meant to tell me that she might have been more evil than I initially thought, but now I’m kind of wondering if she was against the cult that serves the heat, and they killed, or at the very least attempted to kill her via a ritual in the woods. And if that’s the case, why not do the same with Gerard, who also seemed to be against this cult? Unless the brain tumor was somehow caused by the cult? I. HAVE. SO. MANY. QUESTIONS!!!! There are three episodes of this season left….aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAA-

Unrelated side note: A thought that popped into my head earlier was that maybe Breekon and Hope were the people who stole the calliope organ in Episode 24. I mean, it seems in character based on what we know of them, and it did end up in artifact storage like the table…Also, I found Martin’s description of them really weird? Like, what do you MEAN they were normal, mother fuckers spoke like the twins from The Shining! AND WHO THE HELL IS ROSIE??!! Ok goodnight :).

- Episode 38, Lost and Found 🏺

Statement of André Ramao, regarding a series of misplaced objects lost over the course of three months.

Ok yes, the vase was absolutely a gaslighting homophobe, there, I SAID IT, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! (Ok but in all seriousness I think the fact everyone agrees this is the vase’s motivation is absolutely hilarious, if it ends up being canon I will laugh my ass off.) Anyways, enough humor, because things are SERIOUS now. I’ll give my overall thoughts on the statement first. Honestly, when you remove the absurd nature of what’s going on, this one was genuinely very visceral and heartbreaking. I’ve seen people say that this one is a commentary on the fear of losing things, and while I absolutely agree, the main takeaway I got was the commentary on materialism, and how if you place too much value on material possessions you will lose the things you truly cherish. I think you can really tell that through the way André treats his husband through the story. Like, he talks about getting into a fight with him, and being angry when he started trying to contact doctors, and while I’m sure there was obviously love there, I don’t think André realized how much his husband mattered to him until it was too late. It’s not the most subversive or complex metaphor of all time, but I still think it really works and that it’s pretty damn powerful. It hurts even more with how he does eventually get all of those material possessions back, but still loses his husband. And while I COULD complain about the show’s first somewhat prominent gay couple being buried, I know that’s it’s not because of their sexuality, but because it’s the fucking Magnus Archives, where no happiness is allowed. I also find it concerning that André knows the vase is still stealing things (…writing that down really puts into perspective how nutty this podcast can be), it makes me wonder if it might be in the artifact storage somewhere…oh no. Mentioning artifact storage, what about Mikaele Salesa? So, I checked to see if he appeared in any previous episodes, and he did, back in Episode 14! Unfortunately, that doesn’t really give us much information on him outside of his appearance, but it does prove to me that he’s at least somewhat important. I will say that he really did remind me a lot of Breekon and Hope, which does make me wonder if there’s a connection between them. The only thing that I found to be a very notable difference is that Mikaele has some level of fear towards ✨the horrors✨, while Breekon and Hope seem do be in direct service of them. That doesn’t necessarily make Mikaele a good person, I mean, I definitely think that he knew about the vase, but just pretended not to to save his own skin, but he might not be like…an evil mastermind that wants to spread ✨the horrors✨ wherever he goes, which I get the vibe of from a lot of other characters. But outside of that, there were a good few odd similarities to other episodes. I found it interesting that the war-related items in Mikaele’s warehouse were from The American Revolution and World War 1 respectively, as those are the wars that the only war-related episodes so far have taken place in (those being 7 and 29.) I also definitely think that Mikaele had Leitners in his possession, and I felt like the description of the vase’s pattern was very similar to that of the table, which should be more relevant than ever. Some other things that the vase reminded me of was the impersonator from Episode 3, what with the way that it successfully gaslights everyone aside from the statement giver and…debatably the archival staff, although I don’t think they count since as far as I’m concerned none of them were directly involved with the events of these statements. I initially thought that the creepy hand was supposed to be David, but someone in the YouTube comments said that it could be the same hand from Episode 15, which is….concerning, given how scary that one was. I do wonder if that means this statement connects back to The People’s Church of The Divine Host though, since I felt like that was involved with Episode 15. But with all of that out of the way, there’s the end of the episode. I am hyperventilating so bad.

So yeah….Jane came home I guess. I’m…very interested to see whatever happens in the next episode. All I know is that I’m absolutely in what you’d consider the season finale now. I do have a couple of thoughts here, outside of just being terrified. Because obviously, the way that Jon just smashed that spider is very similar to the events of Episode 16, which brings multiple concerns. Firstly, I initially thought that Jon’s decision to kill it was a bit stupid given his knowledge of that statement, but then I remembered that it was almost as if an external force was compelling Carlos Vittery to kill that spider, so I assume the same thing happened to Jon. And if so….please don’t wrap my boy’s corpse up in webs :(. Secondly, since the killing of the spider causes the worms to conveniently burst in, I wonder if that was why the mysterious force was compelling Carlos to kill the spider. I mean, the worms WERE in his apartment, so maybe killing the ghost spider (which I assume is the same one we see here) is somehow capable of summoning the worms, meaning that….Carlos Vittery could be a part of The Flesh Hive?! Or at least there was an attempt to make that happen like with Harriet Lee? …Sometimes the connections really make my brain melt. And finally, I’m now wondering if the reason as to why the spider even showed up was due to the lighter Jon received from Breekon and Hope, since it had a spiderweb design on it. I mean, they obviously have a knack for giving people things that lures ✨the horrors✨ to them, so I would not be that surprised if this theory ends up being correct. (Also, if Jon was to set the worms on fire with the very same lighter that might have summoned them to him…that would be a massive power move that would make me very happy.) But more than anything, this just gets me thinking even more about that damn table. WHY IS IT HERE? IS IT GOING TO SUMMON THE HEAT TO GET RID OF THE WORMS? DOES THAT MAKE BREEKON AND HOPE A NEUTRAL PARTY IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS? AM I EVER GOING TO GET ANSWERS?! …..I’m not prepared for this season finale.

do you think this is what the vase looked like

- Episode 39, Infestation 🧯

Original recording of Jane Prentiss’ attack upon The Magnus Institute, London.

WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MINDS DECIDED THAT YOU CAN JUST END THE EPISODE LIKE THAT?! LIKE, IN RETROSPECT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN OBVIOUS THAT THE SEASON FINALE WOULD BE A TWO-PARTER BUT GOOOOOOOODD!!!! So fun fact, I was so scared going in to this episode that I took two days off listening to mentally prepare myself, and even after that…THIS ONE SCARED ME MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE!!! Did I like it? Absolutely! It’s at the very least in my top 4 episodes, in fact, I think it might only be barely beaten by Episode 32, and it’s very close competition. As someone who’s really liked all of the stuff that happens in the institute, and with the institute staff, this episode was a dream come true, and with the way things are being set up, I’m really excited by the prospect of there being more episodes like this in the future seasons. But…jfc. This is….a LOT. Now, due to the fact that this episode is structured very differently than anything else before it, and because I have so much to say, I’m just going to dedicate different paragraphs to a specific recording each, so I can make my thoughts clear and concise. Starting with…

The second recording. Look, the first one is basically a bunch of chaotic screaming and worms, I don’t know what else you would expect me to say. So the first thing I want to address is that we finally get to see members of the archival staff interacting as a group. I already did feel like their comments on one another give a good look at their dynamic, but it was nice to see it in person, despite the horrific and perilous situation they’re in :). But what are some other things. Well, even though this is shown in later recordings in the episode, I’ll just put it here that I really like how Martin is characterized here. The scene with him in Episode 37, as well as most of his scenes here really do show a new level of confidence and just flesh him out really nicely. There’s some morbid humor in him carrying around a corkscrew to get rid of the worms, and…yeah! I just really like him, he’s definitely one of my favorite characters so far. The main beef of this recording however is the stuff we get from Jon. Not only is the overarching theme of the episode, that being the desire to be remembered, conveyed really well through his dialogue here, but it felt like this scene came with some…nice closure, I guess. We’ve seen Jon become less and less skeptical as time goes on, especially in this final fourth of the season, but it felt really gratifying for him to just straight up admit that what’s happening is real. But there were also quite a couple of intriguing things that he said. Firstly is his comments about Gertrude. He makes the suggestion that she could potentially be alive, and while I doubt that due to her presence in Antonio’s dreams, and the fact that her supposed date of death was when The People’s Church of The Divine Host did a creepy ritual, it does just make me more curious about what truly happened to her. All things considered, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that ghosts exist in this universe so…I don’t know, maybe we’ll see her come back in a way, but I don’t think she’s…entirely alive. The other curious thing was the reveal about the statements. We already knew that something prevented them from being uploaded to computers, but now we know that this only applies to statements that are real. This not only means that Jon has…basically no excuse at this point to be a skeptic, but that I am getting VERY curious about the tapes and the statements on a fundamental level. I’ll touch on it a bit more later, but it does feel like there’s more to the framing device of the podcast itself here than meets the eye, and it is EXCITING me. Anyways, on to the next recording. (I’m still just contemplating that THIS episode came after the homophobic vase one. Holy shit.)

Tim….please never die. I mean, I know it’s funny that I say that since he was VERY close to death here (and could still die in the next one but like…I doubt it because of the fact we already probably have one major death…I’ll touch on that later…), and also because I’ve only known him for two episodes but like…he’s so cool man I can’t help it. “Statement of Joe Spooky regarding sinister happenings” is by far the funniest line in the podcast so far, perfect for the season finale, and…I WAS SO WORRIED FOR HIM UAAAAAGGGHHH!!! Like, the death flags were hoisted HIGH, so I’m glad he survived this episode….even if it probably came at the expense of another character, unfortunately. Ok, I’ll get to that when I get to that. Really not much more to say here other than “Tim is funny and I’m scared”, although hey! It’s Jane! I mean it’s really cool to finally hear her voice but she had one line so I don’t know what else to add. Regardless, time for the kind of wholesome but also ominous as shit recording!

Look, while they are obviously still in peril, while there are certainly some very concerning implications here, while they are still arguing…this one was kind of nice. Obviously Jon and Martin are very different people, and are still quite a ways off from sorting out all of their differences, but…this was very nice. Considering how much Jon belittles Martin in early S1, having him talk to him like this, in a situation where they are both equals, it’s genuinely very gratifying, and probably the most earnest Jon has ever been, as well as the most confident Martin has ever been. Obviously I love it when Jon is a mean asshole and when Martin is just a little guy, but this felt like really good character development for both of them. But outside of that, the most interesting thing here is a look into Jon’s psyche, and why he acts a skeptical as he does. Firstly, the fact that he actually joined the institute due to a genuine belief in the paranormal does make me wonder…what the hell happened to him. I mean, the institute doesn’t seem like the most fun place to work at in the world, nor the most mainstream, so like…I’m getting a lot more curious about Jon’s past now, and the same goes for Martin’s, maybe even more since we learn even less about his reasons for joining the institute than with Jon, and more about his reasons for staying there after Jane forced him into hiding. But obviously, the most ominous thing to me here was how Jon said he felt like he was being…watched. This could mean…genuinely so many things, but to me, I felt like the meaning was a PERSONAL ATTACK. Like, it doesn’t HAVE to be, but given that the podcast already has some decent potential for meta elements, are…are they trying to say that I’M the one tormenting Jon?! Because, like…yeah, I have wanted to see him start admitting that the statements are real! And I have been watching him! (or I guess listening, but…shut up…) In fact, it’s especially damning for someone like me, because I don’t listen to TMA in the background or anything, I sit my ass down, stare at the screen and start taking notes. I…I don’t know where this whole thing will go but for now I’m offended. (But like, if this metaphor ends up being true that I must say…that is some BRILLIANT writing.) There was also Jane’s weird actions here, with how she was seemingly destroying statements and papers. This isn’t exactly surprising, after all, she did suggest that the reason The Flesh Hive wants Jon dead is because as an archivist, his job is to understand things, which the hive seemingly doesn’t want unless it opens its arms to someone directly (very finally fitting if I might add), but still…it’s curious to me. Considering how this whole recording gets you to think about what’s up with the statements, I feel like maybe The Flesh Hive knows a bit more than others do… Finally, we have the ghost conversation, which is really funny and a great character moment for Jon and especially Martin, but like…what if though…what if…

ELIAS BOUCHARD IS A SKETCHY ASS MAN. This guy has only shown up ONCE before this episode, and when he finally returns he is…unnervingly chill about the whole situation. Like, he is just…NOT concerned about the attack, he seems a tad bit too comfortable with the prospect of Jon and Martin dying via C02, and he’s just…he’s just really fucking sketchy. I can’t remember if I’ve stated it before, but from what we’ve seen and heard of him, I’ve always gotten the vibes that Elias knows a lot more than he lets on. Like, in the way that he’s been working at the institute long enough to know that there’s something really weird about it, (which btw, thinking about how weird the institute is does really get me thinking about it’s founding a lot more…my brain is melting…) and he wants to stay away from the weird shit as far as possible. Some suspicious things with him are his reluctance to antagonize The Lukas Family which is…understandable, I guess, if they help keep the institute around, but then there’s the fact that he clearly knows more about Gertrude than everyone else, but is being REALLY quiet about it, exemplified via what Jon says about him in Episode 11. And then there’s the fact that later on, Sasha mentions how he has a tendency to change the subject and…yeah…I don’t know how to feel about him. Honestly all I have to say about this recording corresponds with Elias, so I’ll just move on to the next one.

Ok, so since these recordings are pretty short, and Sasha’s last one is….woah…I’m just going to cover the last two that have Jon and Tim in them briefly here. As expected, Tim continues to be comedy gold. Him bursting through the wall and being super chill (and not in the creepy Elias way) was honestly just want I needed. I did NOT need him pulling…something off though, but…whatever. Also the reveal of Martin recording poetry was fantastic, I need that to be a spin-off ASAP. Magnus Protocol? Never heard of it. The men of the archives are the only men to ever exist and they all deserve their own show. Anyways, after Tim completes his re-enactment of The Shining, they head into the tunnels (which I did not know were a thing), and I get scared yet again. I…am very concerned for Martin, I do not like how he ran off, and I do not like the noises that play at the end of the episode. That is all I have to say here. This is an absolutely terrifying way to end the episode, but it is frustrating in the best way, and if I wasn’t shaking as I write this I would have immediately jumped to the next episode. But…there is one other scene, one that honestly, would’ve worked just as well, if not BETTER, as an ending to the episode. That is, of course, the one scene that has terrified me more than anything else in the podcast so far. The scene that stars:

That. Mother. Fucking. Table. I thought it was at least…somewhat safe. I thought that it would tie into…Hill Top Road, or something, that it would just be something for Jon to glean some information from later on! But I was a fool. I should’ve known that the Anatomy Class shenanigans were (probably) foreshadowing. I should’ve known that the GOD DAMN IMPERSONATOR WAS COMING BACK. JON! WHY DIDN’T YOU DESTROY IT YOU VICTORIAN BUFFOON?! I’m…I’m fucking shook man. I might have been fearful for Tim but…for a split second there, I thought everyone would make it out alive. I mean, we’ve seen Sasha in like, what, three episodes before this, and she only starred in one? She had to live so that we’d see more of her! But no…I got completely blindsided. Sasha James, this really cool character who I wanted to see succeed after her encounter with Bonyhands McGee, is most likely dead. It might sound like I’m genuinely upset with the decision, and while I’m absolutely sad and terrified, I do think they can go really interesting places with this. I mean, I’m going on the assumption that what happened to her is what happened to Graham Folger in Episode 3, meaning that we know have something impersonating her, meaning that she could be explored even after her presumed death. On top of that, like…what if the effect of no one recognizing a difference between the OG Graham and the “Not Graham” applies to Sasha! Because if so, this could be a genius example of having characters figure out something long after the audience being done really well! But overall…I’m mortified. As cool as these prospects are, there’s still a glimmer of hope in me that Sasha survives, that the archival team can deal with that fucking table as soon as possible. Which, by the way, I’m genuinely mad at myself for not catching on to that at first. I initially thought that the table had nothing to do with the main plot of Episode 3, outside of maybe increasing Graham’s paranoia, and that it was meant to foreshadow future events that tied into…idk, the house on Hill Top Road, given the box inside the tree. But nope! Apparently wherever the table goes, the impersonator follows! And if she is dead…man, I don’t know whether or not it’s a good thing that the thing she was afraid of dying from was not the one that killed her in the end… Outside of that, I mean, yeah, artifact storage was creepy as all hell, Sasha’s monologue made me go through five different emotions in the span of like…two minutes, and that one part, holy shit that one part. Hearing that weird noise, Sasha’s scream, and then a new voice repeating her last words it’s…uggghjhehehehjejejejjewjjekekwkekkdkwkekek. Wow, I hate this! I mean, I love it, but wow, I hate this! I mean, I love it, but wow, I hate this! I mean, I love it, but wow, I hate this! I mean, I love it, but wow, I hate this! I mean, I-

So..yeah. Good episode…I guess. I’m really scared. For everyone, Sasha especially. For everything, my sanity especially. I do not like the name of that season finale, it’s looking at me funny. I….I…I think I’m just going to go saw my foot off or something, maybe that’ll take my mind off of things. See you for the season finale! :,)

- Episode 40, Human Remains 🩹

Statements of Elias Bouchard, Tim Stoker, Sasha James, Martin Blackwood and Jonathan Sims, regarding the infestation of the Magnus Institute by the entity formerly known as Jane Prentiss. Statements taken direct from subjects.

*Sigh*. I have listened to 40 episodes of this god-forsaken, trauma inducing podcast. I have stayed up at night wildly speculating about the connections between episodes, trying to solve the greater mystery. And for what? Well, I regret to inform you that, in the end, it was all for…A FANTASTIC SEASON FINALE. HOLY SHIT I’M SO EXCITED TO LISTEN TO SEASON 2 YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I mean, I’m obviously terrified, what with the amount of setup here, the cold realization that ✨the horrors✨ are somehow just going to affect the main cast more and more in the future, and…so much more, but WOW. This finale absolutely delivered and if I wasn’t already on board to see how the rest of the podcast plays out, I absolutely NEED to know now. So, like with last time, I’m going to divide my thoughts via the multiple parts this episode is divided into, so I’ll be going over each person’s statement. And let me tell you…there is some stuff to discuss. Starting off with my favorite(?) enigmatic CEO, Elias Bouchard!

So yeah, Elias is still sketchy as fuck. Oddly enough, despite this being the most time spent with him so far, which don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy about, but…yeah, I still don’t trust him all that much. I guess I’ll start off by talking about some of the general information revealed here. So firstly, no one’s really doing all that well! I mean, it’s expected, but still, I feel really bad for everyone here. You can tell in the opening how scarred Jon is by what happened (both mentally and physically)…which makes Elias’ relative chillness all the more strange. Also, while it is once again pretty obvious, I would just like to pay some respects to the absolute queen that was Jane Prentiss. Rest in relative peace Jane, I hope you’re getting people to join the hive in…well not heaven, she’s probably gone to superhell, but…yeah. Still kind of sad she only got one line from her own mouth. But back to Elias, there are two things he said that really came off as…like, especially odd. Firstly is how he said he got tired of what Jon was saying about the statements. This is weird because like…that’s his job? That Elias hires him to do? It really does add to the vibe that he knows of ✨the horrors✨, but is actively trying to avoid them as much as possible. It feels like they’re setting up an interesting parallel between him and Jon, who looks like he’s going to really start connecting the dots in Season 2. It also just kind of made me think about the implications of something…watching Jon, and it wanting him to admit the statements are real, since Elias seems to specifically be annoyed by Jon’s recent lack of doubt, at least in my eyes. But the other thing that really unnerved me here was what he had to say about Gertrude. His reluctance to talk about her death is one thing, but the fact that he says he found the blood-covered office on March 15, when in Episode 25 Jon says she was declared dead on May 15, is…just really strange. It could be a discrepancy on the writer’s part but…I don’t know, it feels like one of them has to be wrong here. And either way, since they retconned past discrepancies in the opening of Episode 33, they could absolutely work with that here. So yeah, not much more to add other than that I don’t trust Elias.

Poor Tim :(. The guy has been so funny and chipper in all of his past appearances, but here you could feel how beat down he was. After getting worms in his skin and having to spend more time in quarantine simply for being funny, this guy just can’t catch a break! I mean, I’m happy he’s alive, because I was genuinely very scared for his life in the last episode but…man, his last words in this episode really did sting. Anyways, the main takeaway from this statement is the info on the tunnels. This is…really creepy and I’m sure we’ll get a deeper look into it in Season 2, as this whole episode feels full of setup for what’s to come very soon, but for now they are just a very strange place. The way their ancient architecture is described, the worms’ behavior down there, and the…door they were trying to form? What else is even in there? Hell, is this why The Flesh Hive really wanted to attack the institute? To discover some secret in the tunnels? I don’t know, but I care a LOT.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no NO! THE WORST HAS COME TO PASS! The chances of her survival was slim, but I had the smallest sliver of hope that she would survive, but NO! Sasha’s gone UUUUUUUUAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!! What makes it so much worse is that WE KNOW, we’ve heard Sasha’s original voice, we’ve gotten a sense of her general vibe, the new her has creepy music in the background whenever she speaks, HER NAME IS LITERALLY “NOT!SASHA” IN THE FUCKING CREDITS. But Jon, Tim, Martin, they don’t! They don’t know, and I’ll be stuck having to watch them hang out with a monster that killed their friend for who knows how long! It’s excellent storytelling but GOOOOOD I’M SO SAD. And Not!Sasha herself, I mean…holy shit. She’s absolutely uncanny and terrifying, the fact that her tone and vibe are so noticeably different from the real Sasha, how she always responds with a “yes” to Jon, how she points out extremely obvious things, how she just…seems unfamiliar with things she should know about, just everything, it’s just so fucking scary! She’s just so..matter of fact, she’s like a robot in comparison to the real person. Honestly, her manner of speech is very in line with how I imagined the anatomy students sounding. But there are a lot of other weird things about this scene. Firstly, I think it’s curious that when “Micheal” is mentioned, Not!Sasha refers to him (and yes, I noticed she uses he/him, unlike OG Sasha who used it/its) as the one with “all the bones in his hands” which…almost perfectly lines up with what Ivo’s father said. I had my doubts about that theory, but now I feel pretty convinced by it. That just leaves me thinking about what connection he might have to the fractals. Now that I think about it, fractals kind of line up with the descriptions of strange patterns that have shown up, like the one on the table. And…well, given what happened, I can’t help but wonder if “Micheal” and Not!Sasha have a deeper connection to each other, especially since this is the first time he’s been brought up since Episode 26. (Maybe he’s impersonating the real Micheal…oh no that’s a whole new can of worms, pun not intended). Another thing is how Not!Sasha says Elias gave her a strange look. …THE MOTHERFUCKER KNOWS!!! WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?! WHY?! Lastly, there’s some of the discrepancies that Not!Sasha has failed to avoid. Firstly, she should’ve been scarred by the worms like Jon and Tim but just…isn’t. Secondly, even though Jon doesn’t remember the original Sasha (which is…even more depressing when I put it into words…), he’s astute enough to realize that something is off with her. And finally, there’s the matter of the missing tapes. I checked, and they are indeed all of the tapes that Sasha appeared on. I think it’s likely Not!Sasha took them to learn about the role she has to play, but since there’s certainly something weird about the tapes, and this theme of truth being recorded on them…I have to wonder if she maybe stole them because the original Sasha’s voice is still on them, and you can straight up hear Sasha dying and being replaced on the one from Episode 39. With the logic presented in Episode 3, Sasha’s voice on the tapes should be replaced by that of Not!Sasha, but when you consider the framing device of the audience being people listening to these tapes, and the general weird things at play…I’m concerned. I think…I think Jon needs to get those tapes back as soon as possible. In short, I am very scared of the new archival assistant, and her mysterious connections.

MARTIN MY BELOVED!!! How is it legal for someone to be this sweet, he was genuinely so worried for Jon and I just want to give him a hug he’s so nice :(. But ultimately, as much as I feel for him, Martin is not the main focus here. The strange objects in the tunnels are not the main focus. The main focus here is the human remains. The remains of Gertrude Robinson. Wow. I…honestly thought it was going to take longer for her fate to come to light. I mean, there is still a lot that is obviously unknown, but to have her down here, confirmed to be dead, confirmed to be MURDERED…it’s making my brain go in so many directions. I guess I’ll start with the room she was found in. It’s…very concerning how similar it is to the archives. I don’t even know what it’s supposed to mean? Does it signify that the institute was built upon an older institute somehow? Are we not even going to bother checking out the tapes she left down there? I NEED TO KNOW. And, then, I mean, god the way she died. I was so convinced by all of the clues that she died some sort of gruesome eldritch fate, but hearing that she was simply shot…why is that so much more haunting. I mean, I have to assume there were still some weird circumstances surrounding her death as a whole, given clues in Episode 11 and Episode 25, but…it’s very concerning. And then there’s Jon’s words about this. Does that…DOES THAT MEAN THAT SEASON 2 IS A FUCKING MURDER MYSTERY?! BECAUSE I WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT! Look, assuming that the murderer is indeed someone in the institute (which I say because Gertrude does seem to have made a good few enemies in her lifetime), then my fingers are already pointed at Elias due to how sketchy he is, but honestly…I’m afraid this is just another mystery that I don’t have to energy to fully crack right now. And Jon’s words at the end…please tell me he doesn’t resort to doing very stupid things that endanger his own life for the sake of the truth. Oh who am I kidding he probably will. But…wow, I’m just…I’m just so excited for Season 2.

So yeah…that’s Season 1 of The Magnus Archives. The fact that I already feel changed by this series, both for better and for worse, within the first season…it just gets me so excited and mortified all at once. There’s still so much story potential, so many mysteries to be solved, and I can’t wait to hear it all for myself. Honestly, the fact that there’s so many plot lines, and the only one to be kind of resolved The Flesh Hive and Jane Prentiss arc…that’s insane. So, I’m just going to leave a list of things I want answers on down here.

- The Anglerfish

- Breekon and Hope

- The Table and The Impersenator

- The Keay Family

- Micheal Crew

- Jurgen Leitner and his fucked up books

- The house on Hill Top Road

- The Heat Entity and its cult

- The People’s Church of The Divine Host

- Trevor Herbert and his companion

- Antonio Blake

- The Eyes

- The Lukas Family

- Mikaele Salesa

- The Meat

- The Spiders and The Lighter

- The Fairchilds

- Jonah Magnus and the founding of The Institute

- The Circus of The Other

- “Micheal” and The Fractals

- The true nature of The Flesh Hive

- Robert Smirke and his passages

- John Amherst and the infection

- The backstories of the main cast

- The death of Gertrude Robinson

- And finally, what the hell is going to happen next?

So, there’s a wrap on Season 1? Do I expect all of these questions to be answered in the next season? Absolutely not. Do I want all of them to be answered eventually? Yeah probably. If you’ve made it this far, thank you so, SO much. Like, you genuinely deserve an award for reading all of my insane rambling. I’ll be back with my thoughts on the first 10 episodes of Season 2 in due time, but for now, thank you and bye :).

[mdhwrites]

Not sure if you've talked about him already, but what's your opinion on Matt Tholomule as a character? I feel like he's one of the very few (if not the only) characters who wasn't reduced to a softie after redemption like Amity/Lilith/Hunter

So 1. Shockingly enough, I never have and I'll get into probably why in a moment. 2. I can't be certain in my analysis here as I have only seen clips of For the Future and I'm not going to dig for his parts for this blog so I haven't seen all that he becomes but I have an idea. That idea also says that... Yeah, you're not wrong actually. Arguably, Lilith is soft enough and treated enough like a joke in S1 that TECHNICALLY her personality is intact post redemption. However, even if you argue that, she still seems like a parody of who she used to be.

Which... is actually kind of true Matt too. Why it works better here is that rather than make fun of a character's trauma and disregard their background, Matt was always a bit of a joke and his final form is actually steeped in who he was. We were never supposed to take him that seriously which is... a mixed bag for him. I'm going to say a lot of nice things at least conceptually about where he ends up but I want to make something clear: I barely think of Matt normally. I will entirely forget he was in the show because he is extremely forgettable. The situation he's in and his plight are always far more interesting than "Kind of bad at being a jerk/bully" which is his primary personality for two of his three main appearances. He's just not got a strong enough personality for two seasons to leave much of an impression and for a supporting cast's supporting member, you need to make a bigger splash than he ever did to be remembered.

But then we get S3 where we get just that. The boy, from my understanding, turns himself into a god damn comic book character and its glorious. And... It actually makes sense. Matt always had an ego and a desire for attention but he was missing two things to get to the point he's at now. The first was a better morale compass so that he could be a good guy and that part we get to see. The other is a proper community and support around him so he wasn't always looking over his shoulder. I... don't know how much that part is true to For the Future but the clips I've seen imply that he's at least not being disregarded or constantly have to prove himself anymore. He's just another member of the resistance which is a HELL of a lot better than he's had before.

This leads to all that bubbling confidence coming out into a glorious mess that absolutely fits how some teens try to act 'mature' by acting confidant. By celebrating things like stubble and proclaiming to the mirror "I AM A MAN NOW!" Buuut it also seems like the show was kind enough to not make him purely the butt of jokes like this but actually allow him to show that he's a good guy nowadays. He still prioritizes things like Amity's safety and what not after all. Again, I don't know how accurately but what I've seen theoretically shows me that yeah, For the Future did do something right.

Hell, as a moment of positivity: In a vacuum, the main thing I truly don't approve of in For the Future conceptually is Kikimora. There is no reason to have her back, let alone not beat her there. But if this was a pair of episodes in a full 20 episode season, they could have potentially been a highlight of the season. There's a lot of good character stuff conceptually here and it's utilizing the fact that the side characters can be fun in TOH, even if many of them have been turned more into like the twins where they're pretty bland now that they're purely good as well. But... That's in a vacuum where this didn't end up being a filler episode in a three episode season where so many critical elements are just left hollow while we spend time with characters who haven't mattered for an entire season. *sigh*

Still, I'm happy for Matt fans that their character got such a good ending.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[modern-day-bard]

Worth The Feeling

Chapter 30

Content Warning: 18+ This series contains explicit smut, intimidation, and an age gap relationship. Minors, do not interact.

When my mom finds me, I'm curled up in a ball in my room, eyes swollen and nose running. At this point, she gives me a knowing look and I have no other choice but to spill everything to her. To be fair, I had promised to tell her anyway last night. Though I didn't know I would be getting this extra piece to the chaos-infused puzzle of my life.

I tell her everything—save for the intimate details and nights spent in the same bed-–and she listens. She doesn't have a strong reaction to any of it, just nods along and squeezes my knee when I get choked up. I didn't expect either of my parents to know who Javi was. They almost exclusively watch the local news, and the Hallmark Channel. Explaining the magnitude of it all is the most embarrassing part. Well, that is, until I get to the most recent update.

There is no way for me to hide the fact that Javi and I were at least kissing at the wrap party. I wouldn't be able to explain why I flew here to begin with. This also means that I have to explain the way I flirted with Blake in Italy, and how he showed up in our hotel room. Because apparently, he was so irked by the studio telling him that I was asked if I was going to press charges, that he had refused to attend the party at all. No one expected him to show. That is why, when he was spotted by the VIP door, skirting away out the back, it was seen as slightly suspicious. Emma, of all people, noticed him and thought to report this information to the studio when she saw the tabloids. After all, only the lead roles had keys to that room. I make a mental note to send her flowers.

The studio called Blake, threatening him with legal action, or he could simply admit to it now and make the whole thing easier. He did admit to it, under the promise that they wouldn't make that known to the press.

Which made for one last loose end for Norwick to tie up: me.

They could promise Blake all they wanted that they wouldn't go to the press, but I could. I could post about, spread it around town, sell the information to the tabloids, and there was nothing Norwick could do about it. The rest of the phone call, after my soul returned back into my body, was Devon explaining the documents he was going to send to me. I need to sign something that says I was not put in harm's way from the studio, that this wouldn't impact my promotion, and that I promised I wouldn't press charges that would out Blake for defamation, his past threats, or revenge porn. He and Tom made it clear they weren't interested in sparing Blake from the bad press, but they did need to spare the movie and its future sales. I agreed to it. At this point, I just want it to all go away.

"But...honey, this is a good thing, isn't it?" My mom asks after she's sure that I've finished unloading this shitstorm. "Your promotion isn't in jeopardy, and it was just some lousy has-been with a camera."

It's not worth explaining to my mom that Blake Henley is far from a has-been.

"No, that part is good. I'm grateful for that. I just feel...exposed. And for the past few months Javi and I have tried to keep our relationship a secret from just the studio...I didn't think it would get posted everywhere so fast." I sniffle.

My mom waits, sensing there is more. And of course, there is. "I feel like it might be...too much, for him. We haven't known each other for too long. What if it's not long enough for this to be worth it," My voice drops to a whisper, "What if...what if I'm not worth this?"

My mom hugs me now, wrapping her arms tightly around my shoulders.

"Maybe this won't mean much coming from your mother. But you are worth it. Ava, I haven't seen you talk about a man like this, probably, ever. Not even with John." She pulls back and her face softens in sympathy. "I probably shouldn't talk about him. But you know what I mean. Do you feel like it's worth it?"

I nod gently. "When I'm with him, I'm not thinking about anything else. It feels heavy but...it's worth it."

"Then follow that feeling. If he knows what's good for him," she smirks, "He'll know that feeling is worth everything."

I wipe my nose with the back of my sleeve and smile at her. "Thanks, Mom."

After a minute, my smile turns sly. "Would now be a good time to tell you Javi is older than me?" I knew they wouldn't care once they heard how much I liked him, but I also knew it would completely throw her off.

My mom laughs. "How much older?"

"Older. Let's call it at least...twenty years older."

My mom's face goes slightly pale, and I let out my first, real laugh since I got home.

She smiles despite herself. "Maybe wait to tell your father that detail. Let's lead with...well, anything else."

Both of us laugh now, and I feel the room get brighter despite the setting sun.

- - -

Telling my dad later on was a bit easier now that I had told my mom. Having her support made it go smoother. That and the fact that this time I was crying a lot less. After his anger toward the media and Blake subsides, he mostly just wants to know more about Javi. I tell them both about how we met, and our first date. I tell them about Italy and how he calmed me on the plane.

"How was the plane ride here? That was one of the most shocking things to me, that you boarded so last minute." My dad interjects.

"Honestly I think wanting to escape all of the craziness helped. I would rather it wasn't happening but it pushed me to get on the plane, and my panic was minimal."

My dad reaches across the table and squeezes my hand.

"I'm proud of you."

The earnestness in his voice is enough to make my eyes well up again. I've cried so much today I'm surprised I have any tears left.

"So what does your guy think about all this?" He asks, and I know he's trying to change the subject to avoid seeing me cry.

"Well, uh, he's been supportive but we haven't been able to talk about it much. Everything happened so fast. He wanted me to come to his house when I left but I felt like it would create a bigger media storm. Now that I've been home for a bit...I feel like I ran off too soon."

"Why don't you give him a call then?"

"I asked him to call me after his meeting but then Dwayne called and after hearing about Blake I just sort of listened and then cried until mom came home." I laugh but my dad gives me a disapproving stare.

"And you said you weren't going to charge him?"

I nod. "I feel like he's just bitter over what happened in Italy, or maybe he's just bored, but it would create even more of a mess. I also don't think what he did was technically illegal, even though it's creating all this...noise."

My dad nods now. He hesitates, then adds, "I can't deny that this worries me, honey. It sounds like a very big spotlight on you."

"We'll have your back here, of course," my mom chimes in.

"Of course," he agrees, "And I am glad your studio has your back, too."

"It really seems like they do. Dwayne still plans on giving me his position."

My parents exchange a long look.

"I can't say that I thought you would ever date an actor," there is humor in my dad's voice now. "Is he very dramatic?"

I laugh. "I think you'd like him. He's very down to earth."

"Hmm. Well you deserve to be happy sweetie."

"Thanks, dad." I smile at him before letting out a big puff of air. "I think I've been wanting to talk to you guys about all of this for a while. It's been hectic. Great, but hectic."

"When do you think you'll go back?" my mom asks.

I shrug. "I don't know. I'm on hiatus for at least another month. I do need to know what Javi wants to do, and what our PR guy told him to do. Dwayne said that Javi was given advice on next steps and I'm nervous about what that means. I told mom but, I think...I think it's possible this has run its course. It might be too much for him."

My dad clicks his tongue. "Don't jump to conclusions, Ava. You just need to talk to him."

I nod. "I know, I will." I glance over at the clock. It's not even eight yet, but the stress of the earlier phone call, the jet lag, and retelling these past few months twice is weighing on me.

"Honestly I think I might turn in early."

"Okay honey," My dad stands up to press a kiss to the top of my head.

"Love you," My mom calls after me as I make my way up the stairs.

I know they're right, and I need to talk to him. I reread his text messages while I brush my teeth. I don't know why I feel so nervous about all of this, and so calm when I read his last texts. When I'm alone, or I'm speaking to my parents about it, all I can think is, why would he want to deal with this? I can imagine what people are saying about him, just by the few questions the paparazzi barked at me the other morning. I don't know why he would put up with all of that. He could date someone who gets it, someone who is used to the limelight. But when I read his reassuring messages, and how understanding he was when I up and left...I don't feel the weight of my fear.

When I get under my covers, I take a deep breath, and call him.

I'm feeling good about my decision to do so until he doesn't pick up. It rings and rings, but it goes to voicemail. I hadn't planned for this, and my heart beats a little faster.

"Hey, um, it's me. I was just calling to see how the meeting went. I had a call earlier with Dwayne...but now I'm wondering if I shouldn't say any of this over the phone. I'm not sure what the protocol is," I let out a nervous laugh and feel my face flush. What am I saying? "It's been good to be home, but...I miss you. I guess that's all I wanted to say. Okay, bye."

I hang up, covering my face with my hands immediately. Not my best work.

I turn my call volume up, knowing that it must be almost six back in L.A. so he still might give me a call back. Grabbing my marine book from the bedside table, I flop on my back and read a chapter about penguins.

The next thing I know, I'm being jolted awake by the sound of my alarm screaming near my ear.

Next Chapter

Previous chapter

Series Masterlist

[likemosaic]

HEADCANON : benny & kaj's relationship as depicted by me and my interpretation of benny. long post.

"He was terrified of Tearza and her army.” “I thought he was in love with Tearza,” Rin said. “He loved her and feared her,” Nezha said. “They’re not mutually exclusive.” -the p0ppy war.

benny shoots her. feels kinda bad about it but whatever.

said her comes back from the dead. typical main quest events follow and kaj eventually tracks him down to the strip.

as you can do canonly, kaj and benny sleep together. benny'd had a couple drinks and realizes in the morning how stupid that was. by this point, though, he's already fond of her, and knows that she's a fellow tribal/indigenous person, so he's hesitant to flat out kill her. that, and she's a great backup plan. so he ditches her in the morning to head to the legion camp and speed up his plan before she can meddle with it.

kaj lets benny rot in the camp for a few days while she thinks about what she's going to do moving forward, including meeting yes man. decides to move forward with seduction of caesar.

kaj rolls up to the camp in a carpet and looking cute or whatever. and sweaty as fuck. rolls a nat 20 to seduce. as a gesture of good will (because caesar assumes kaj fucking hates benny), caesar directs her to do whatever with a currently imprisoned benny.

kaj, aware that freeing him is probably not feasible, has him crucified. that's good enough for caesar to take his attention off benny, and that same night, kaj has some of her companions show up and cut him down. they then take him to one of the courier safehouses to heal.

benny wakes up a few days later and decides to head back to the strip, because he wants to understand what the fuck all that was for. him and kaj have a good long talk about what all that was. kaj is completely honest with him and lays it all out on the table: her plan for vegas. she explains that she spared him because of their mutual indigenous connection, because she believes it makes them best suited to run vegas, etc. she explains that the crucifixion was his "punishment" for shooting her, but from now on, they're even...unless he betrays her again. benny becomes the only person in the world to know her plan. he's also been sworn to secrecy and tells no one, not that he really has an interest in doing so.

benny becomes kaj's little sidepiece as the events of the game wrap up. he's not really mad about it, because kaj has explained she's going to use his plan for vegas for herself. it's clear that kaj isn't someone to be fucked with, and benny is a self-serving, surviving bastard if nothing else, so he's not going to oppose her. it helps that she sleeps with him to keep him happy and genuinely cares for him, despite his flaws--something benny hasn't really experienced before.

benny is left in charge of the strip during the second battle of hoover dam. when the battle is won, kaj's night of long knives begins. securitrons are directed, through a list kaj gave to yes man, to round up any potential problems and...take care of them. people who betrayed her, people who were loyal to house/ncr/caesar, spies for those factions. while kaj makes her way back to vegas after the battle, the strip suffers a horrific purge of people kaj perceives as potential threats to a "free" vegas. benny? terrifiedbuthorny.jpg

when kaj leaves for the commonwealth in fo4 verse, benny is left in charge...with arcade overseeing him. she expects nothing less than to come back to vegas on fire, but benny is taking it semi-seriously and doing an okay job. when he gets lazy, he has arcade to push him back into shape.

their relationship is open. kaj and benny can and do sleep with others outside of their "partnership" (in the business sense and the romantic sense). they haven't had an indepth discussion about anything romantic and really, they don't plan to. they're both too deceptive and dishonest for it, though it might happen one day.

generally, they see each other as mirrors. benny sees kaj as himself with more ambition and drive; kaj sees benny as what might have happened to her if she'd contented herself with serving house (and serving herself). despite their difficulties, after everything, they really are very fond of each other. even if kaj sometimes scares the shit out of benny.

[wildernezz]

you only just followed me but i saw your bio, so:

analyse me lol

finally got around to doing this. man, i really gotta get back on my analyzation grind. anyways this is the most i was able to think of. not sure how accurate it'll end up being, but hopefully i'm able to get some things right lolll. and if not, hopefully you at least enjoyed reading through it:

autism. that is the very first thing that strikes me when scrolling through your blog to analyze stuff and i just needed to get that out of the way as soon as possible. the autism is undeniable. and if you're not autistic it's some sort of flavor of neurodivergent. i'm putting my bets on autism though.

you're a very honest and straightforward person. you're very clear about your boundaries and what you're trying to express when talking about things. it's incredibly respectable and a really good trait to have, but i feel like sometimes you question yourself for it. it's hard to describe but i'll try touching more on it later.

i feel like you're not a very talkative person in real life. considering you have a lot of deltarune posts, a large part of me feels like you relate to kris. you also just give off those vibes of someone who's a little monotone, not extremely talkative, but can definitely ramble about the things you're interested in. i also feel like the story arc of kris is something you probably relate to. i haven't analyzed kris enough to feel solid in describing their trauma but i know something in that is something you relate to. especially with the conflict of identity and knowing who you are. i have no idea how to describe that in kris terms but i know it's there. 

rolling along with the deltarune ball, there's a whole lotta noelle in there too (which based btw, noelle is awesome). it makes me wonder if you relate to her too. maybe it's the overall anxiety she has, but i feel like it also ties into the idea of identity, losing yourself, or not completely knowing who you are. it's weird to describe because i feel like you do have a solid sense of who you are, it's just that every now and then you probably have some sort of moral crisis or existential crisis and it can send you spiraling if you think about it for too long. you seem like somebody who lives life the way that you want to, but there is still a slight underlying fear of both yourself and the world.

oh i just know you've questioned your gender a few times. maybe you haven't particularly dwelled on it for a long time, but i feel like you've def had that "maybe i'm not entirely cis" thought pop in your head every now and then.

this is honestly a tougher analyzation for me to pinpoint, but it's not because i can't tell anything about you, it's more like i could point at a character and go "that one's you" but i have no idea how to back it up lmaoooo. so here's some characters that i feel fit you but i have no idea why: Kris from Deltarune (duh), steve minecraft (idk why either), L from Death Note, Nick Carraway from The Great Gatsby, both Danny Saunders and Reuven Malter from The Chosen (1987 movie specifically), and also a weird mix Twilight Sparkle, Starlight Glimmer, and Maud Pie from MLP:FiM.

hopefully this provides something insightful and is at least semi-accurate. i usually do better analyzations on my @analyzing-people-like-hell account where i'm given a list of characters to work with, so if you want i'd gladly redo an analyzation over there. however i have been way off my analyzation grind so i make no promises on how long that'll take lolll. either way, my bad if this isn't all that accurate, but it was super fun to look through so thank you for the content B))

[georgiapeach95]

Body Positivity

I'm not gonna lie, I have no idea what in the hell to post on Tumblr. Apparently this blogging platform was popular with my peers back in our teen years (but I was too busy with MySpace)! I am a natural born writer. Ever since I was a child, the art of writing has come easy to me. My teachers in grade school always tried to get me to enter writing contests, but ever so humble me always said no. I'm known for being able to just sit down and within two seconds, words start pouring out onto Microsoft Word. I've always wanted to start an online blog and I've often been told I should. I've just always found writing very therapeutic and I believe I'm just gonna start one. Unlike most, I don't have a certain "niche" I want to write on or about. This is just gonna be my blog with all my random thoughts, feelings, emotions, and beliefs. It's gonna be like taking a ride through my brain, if you will! So whatever comes up, comes out, so let's see what we have for today shall we?

I believe for my first post I want to write about body positivity. This is something I've struggled with just about all my life, like a lot of others out there. I'm gonna get brutally honest in this entry. Lately, the body insucurity demon has plagued me. Every day I would wake up, I felt like I wasn't good enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not fit enough. You name it, I felt it. These feelings and emotions definitely have kicked up over the past few years as I have been placed on certain medications that cause weight gain. Back when I was 20, I was a beautiful 120 Ibs. young woman. I stayed at that weight for many years, until the medications. I've never been able to come to terms with my curves. I would see women on Instagram that are super fit and, well, let's face it, perfect looking, and it would make me feel like shit. It made me feel unworthy of anything in life. It made me feel like I will never find a man unless I look like that. I started resenting myself. I started putting myself down. The depression was intense. I had to go in and fine tune my Instagram feed to where I don't see any women that are "perfect looking" because I was headed down a very serious and dark road of body dysmorphia.

But one day I woke up, and it's as if everything changed for me, almost overnight. I started feeling beautiful and dare I say sexy, which are two emotions I haven't felt in a long time. I finally woke up to my true potential and said screw it and screw all these people that say you've got to be a certain way or have a certain body type to be loved, wanted, admired, and respected. I started to learn, when it comes to the way your shaped, whether thin or plus sized, the key is confidence. When you are confident in the way you look and carry yourself with poise and sophsitication, that is sexy! No, I'm not a size 0, or 2, 4, 6, or 8. But dammit, I'm really starting to fall in love with the way I look. When I think about all the things my body can do as a woman and all the things it does do for me, it's so empowering. Yes, I have curves, but I told myself, I look like a woman should, grown women are supposed to have luscious curves. Now, with that being said, are there still some things on myself that I would maybe change if I could, of course. But I'm learning to love those attritubutes anyway.

I stopped thinking about all the things I hated about myself and started to think about all the things I love about myself. Turns out, there were more things I actually loved than I hated! My big green eyes, naturally plump lips, clear skin, large bust, round booty, beautiful hips and thighs, short stature, turns out, I'm not so bad after all! Plus, not to mention all the wonderful personality traits I have that make me a wonderful human being.

I'm so grateful we live in a day in time where body positivity is talked about much more now. I tell myself, that even though you're curvy, you go to the doctor, you keep track of your health, all your doctors tell you your healthy as can be, so, I guess I'm doing something right. Loving my body is an on-going process. It's an every day practice. It's something I have to stay on top of. Practicing self care and self love is so vital. It's one day at a time, one step at a time.

I hope, if anyone reads this and your struggling with your body image, please know you are not the only one. I am in the same boat. But I'm learning to carry myself with confidence and grace. The saying is true, we're our own worst critic. But remember when your down on yourself, give your heart a break. Do like I did, if you have to fine tune your social media feeds to where you're not seeing or have to unfollow certain people, pages, or brands, you gotta do what is best for you and your well being. I know I only follow people, pages, and brands that I gueninely love and enjoy seeing their content. So don't follow anyone seeing them puts you down about yourself in some way, shape, or form.

It's so refreshing to see myself in a gorgeous and sexy light now. I'm 28 and have the rest of my life ahead of me. I love myself first, and I know one day I'll find a man who loves every part of me, body, personality and soul. But until then, I'm gonna do me and love myself. Because if you can't love yourself, who else is going to love you? Be your biggest cheerleader. Just remember, your beautiful beyond measure and loved more than you know!

[antagskin]

“Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder”

aesop carl x survivor!reader

originally crossposted from Wattpad

tags: fluff, crushing, aesop carl being awkward, gn reader, POVs of reader and aesop, aesop teaches you about embalming

notes: the reader can be read as gn! also this is heavily edited so it’s not the same as the original wattpad post

——————————————————————————

Ever since you came to the manor your eyes have been fixated on a certain survivor. Being a survivor yourself, of course, you have to get along with everyone to win matches. Yes, most of them are great, but they're not special like a certain someone.

Aesop Carl, or Embalmer, as he is known as. He is a peculiar man, never talked much, and is always alone. He has a certain fascination with death and dead people, which usually scared the other survivors from interacting with him. But not you, you like that about him. You like his weirdness, it made him unique in a way.

You searched for the grey-haired man everywhere, but he wasn't anywhere to be found. That's until you thought of where he could be. Could he be at a map with graveyards? Maybe he could be at the Red Church, yeah, he was probably there looking for bodies. Your nervousness didn't kick in yet, so your confidence rose the more you thought about it. You might finally be able to encounter the infamous Aesop Carl today.

•••

“Why weren't there any bodies here?” Aesop asked aloud to himself. There weren't any corpses to embalm, or any coffins to dig up. There was nothing here. This was a waste of time, why did he have to come here? Aesop set his case down and sighed. There wasn't anything of interest there whatsoever.

"Hm.." Aesop couldn't help but feel deep in thought. Why weren't there any dead bodies here to embalm? This is a game of killing, surely there would be victims. Or, he could make the victim dead himself. But, this cursed manor always brings people back alive again. Aesop has died several times, only to escape it and live again. It's horrifying living in the cursed mansion.

‘Why don't I just practice embalming with my power?’ Aesop thought, summoning a coffin and looking at the clay person. It wasn't the same as a real dead person, but it'll do. Aesop took his brushes out of his case and started decorating the clay. Before he knew it, the person turned out to be...you.

Why you? Why did Aesop make it you? You and Aesop haven't spoken, besides that, he's never even approached you either. He shouldn't have made it you, because there's nothing special about you. You’re just ordinary, that's all. But, some features of you can captivate Aesop somehow. Your hair, your deep eyes, that amazing skin. The perfect subject to embalm once you’ve passed.

Aesop couldn't help but feel his face heat up. Why was he attracted to you? Not in a romantic way, just in a way. You would look so beautiful dead and embalmed by Aesop.

You always look so tired, if only you could be at peace just once.

Aesops face felt hot as he thought of holding your dead body.

Death is beautiful to him, it's like bringing mercy to someone that's suffered long enough. He don't want you to suffer any longer in this manor. Aesop thought some more about this subject until he heard a sudden noise behind him. He quickly slammed the coffin shut to hide the replica body he made of you and turned his head around to see who it was.

The person that emerged from behind a wall turned out to be you! Aesop felt his heart race, not from attraction, but anxiety and nervousness. What are you doing here? Why are you here?

•••

‘Oh god, this was a bad idea.’ You awkwardly waved at Aesop before slightly approaching him. You walked slowly, not sure what to say at all. You didn't even think you’d get this far. You cleared your throat, almost sweating from anxiety.

"H...Hi Aesop! Um, I was just wondering...uh...if you could...tell me about embalming?" You mentally facepalmed for asking something so stupid. Why did you ask that in the first place?

Aesop looked at you, not in the eyes, but he looked at you. He then looked away and scratched his head before answering.

"You...you want to know about my job?" Aesop asked, he sounded nervous as well, but also happy? That makes two of you here. He fiddled with his case and opened it. You noticed various brushes and other knick-knacks inside that were used for the embalming process.

"W-Well...to start...usually you'd have to disinfect the body with a certain solution." You smiled as Aesop went on and on about how his job works. This was going better than you’d thought it was going to be. Maybe it was the right choice to look for Aesop.

"T-Then, after the body is fully embalmed, you have to wash their hair and..." Aesop suddenly went quiet. He looked away from you, making you panic, what's going on? You hesitantly put a hand on his shoulder, which made him jump slightly.

"S-Sorry, I-"

"N-No it's okay! It's my fault, um, you can keep going...I mean if you'd want." You shyly looked away, slightly ashamed of yourself for startling him. You knew Aesop had some boundaries, but you might've accidentally crossed them. Suddenly, Aesop placed his hand onto yours.

"I...I'm sorry, I went quiet because I thought I was talking too much..." Aesop nervously scratched his neck. You blushed at the sudden touch and smiled at Aesop.

"Well, I think it's cool! I really want to hear more some time, I mean, if you're up for it." You could feel your voice waver near the end of your statement. It's not like this is some sort of date, right? You couldn't tell what Aesop was thinking, but his hand didn't move from yours.

"...That can work for me." Aesop admitted. You blushed at the thought of spending time with Aesop as he talked about his interests. Maybe something between you two could work out after all.

"Great! What time?" You couldn’t even begin to describe my happiness. Aesop slightly flinched at the loudness of your voice, which made you realize how worked up you were getting, calming down a little.

"I'm free tomorrow...but I have an invitation at 2:00..." Aesop showed you an invitation to a game. You looked at it and nodded.

"Okay, I'll meet you at 12 then, I'll see you there." You gave Aesop one last smile before walking away.

——————————————————————————

[talkingpointsusa]

The dating market as seen through the eyes of a complete psychopath

Well folks, I've been seeing a lot of talk in right-wing media about a "dating crisis" sweeping America recently. Naturally they have the citations to back this up, those citations being random videos that they found on TikTok. So I figured we'd take a look at one of the guys talking about this epidemic and see what's going on here, lets get into it.

02:10, Matt Walsh: "In what has become something of a monthly tradition on social media, two videos have gone viral featuring young women distraught over their inability to find a man who they consider worthy of their time. A week ago it was this woman expressing her deep frustrations over this video, listen."

I figured who would be a better fit to educate us on this pressing issue than Matt Walsh? He's famous for being a guy who lets trans people live rent free in his head and works at a platform that restores your virginity the minute you open their website, surely he can tell us all we need to know about the dating scene.

Jokes aside, Matt Walsh citing some random woman's TikTok video as proof that the dating market has been ruined by women having professional lives is peak Daily Wire journalism.

Matt plays the TikTok and then tells on himself a little bit.

04:16, Matt Walsh: "Even though I may be, infamously, a Grinch whose heart is three times too small. Even I will say that I truly feel bad for this young lady and the loneliness she's experiencing. You'd have to be a sociopath to not feel bad for her and despite popular misconceptions I am not a sociopath."

Golly, I wonder what gave people that idea about you Matt. Guess that will just have to remain a mystery for the time being.

04:39, Matt Walsh: "She says that she's worked on herself, she's done everything she can to make herself desirable. Part of the problem of course is that some of the things she highlights will have no effect either way on making her more desirable to men. For instance, no man cares whether a woman is successful or independent. Like, there has never been a man in the history of the world who has left a first date and said 'Wow, she's great. She's so successful and independent'. Those are just not characteristics that a man is looking for, they certainly won't be at the top of his list."

Ok, Matt Walsh dating tip number one is "If you are a female be submissive to your male partner at any cost. They're not looking for success and independence after all". Nothing messed up there. If you think this is a distortion of Matt's words, I would like to point you towards a blog post he made in 2014 entitled "Your husband doesn’t have to earn your respect". Quote;

"This doesn’t mean that a man has a license to be lazy, or abusive, or uncaring. He is challenged to live up to the respect his wife affords him. If his wife parcels out her respect on some sort of reward system basis, the husband has nothing for which to strive. As the respect diminishes, so too does his motivation to behave respectably. Respect is wielded like a ransom against him, and he grows more isolated and distant all the while."

Basically, if you are a female and your husband is abusing you it's actually your fault because you weren't respecting him enough. A lot of his comments recently, including the one I just quoted above, show that Matt Walsh's views haven't changed that much since then. Matt plays another TikTok of a woman lamenting her relational struggles, recaps the TikTok for some reason and then decides to present more "evidence".

08:14, Matt Walsh: "Now, it's not just women having these problems obviously. In fact, one guy replied to this last video with his own story."

Matt Walsh should never be allowed to comment on things like the minimum wage again after this episode. The reason I say this is because it's becoming glaringly clear to me that Matt's job is just watching TikTok, reading the comments under those TikTok's and attempting to turn those videos and comments into a coherent argument.

09:10, Matt Walsh: "Now, by now we're all familiar with the statistics which we've talked about on the show many times. Fewer young adults are in relationships, few are getting married, few are having kids, more of them are remaining single than ever before while people of all ages report record levels of loneliness."

It is true that we are experiencing a loneliness epidemic but the causes for this are a lot more complicated than what Matt Walsh thinks they are. According to an article written by psychology professor Susan Dugan for the University Of Denver, a lot of it is caused by people unable to manage their work-life balance and increased reliance on social media. Due to the increased reliance on social media, especially because of the COVID-19 pandemic, a lot of people have became overly reliant on things like texting as opposed to seeing people in person.

Dugan also writes that one of the biggest things causing the loneliness epidemic is an overly-work oriented culture and people using their spare time to get more work done as opposed to spending time forming meaningful relationships. Now, I wonder what Matt Walsh, a guy who thinks that social security should be abolished and that the best solution to a low minimum wage is to "just stop being on the minimum wage", would have to say about dismantling a workplace culture focused around toxic productivity.

09:26, Matt Walsh: "A Pew analysis published in 2021 found that nearly 40% of adults between the ages of 25 and 54 are quote on quote unpartnered. And by that they mean these are people that are living without a spouse or a live in boyfriend or girlfriend."

If Matt actually did some research into what he's talking about instead of just skimming hed's and dek's he'd find the percentage of single Americans looking for a relationship or casual dates has decreased massively since 2019 with 58% reporting that they aren't interested in a relationship or even casual dating. Also, 40% is a scary number that Matt can use to freak out his audience but it's still the minority but I guess that's something that Matt's just going to ignore because his main solution is "just get married" (despite marrying young statistically leading to divorce but we'll get to that).

10:05, Matt Walsh: "So, what's going on? Um, there are several major factors, some of them I've discussed before but lets lay them out again in one list."

I can help Matt Walsh by compiling some of the things he's discussed in the past into a helpful list.

Factor #1: We don't just force people to marry each other

Factor #2: We don't force sixteen year old girls to get married because that's when they're "technically most fertile"

10:15, Matt Walsh: "First of course, many people are just waiting too long to get serious about getting married. The lie that my generation was sold and that the next generation after mine was also sold is that your 20's, the first decade of adulthood, is a time to be aimless and lazy and selfish and focused primarily on recreation and pleasure."

What universe is Matt Walsh even living in? Most people in their 20's are either in college or are looking for work, often due to them having to pay off large amounts of student debt from said college. If Matt wants more people to get married and have kids at a young age than he should support things like student debt relief that help make that lifestyle more affordable for young people.

According to a 2023 survey, 73% of Gen Z and millennial couples say that getting married is simply too expensive in todays economy.

Ok, so Matt Walsh factor #1 is pretty stupid if you do even the most basic research like "actually meeting somebody in their 20's". Matt's second point is that there are too many choices, fair enough, that's probably the most respectably true thing he's said this entire episode and society would be better off if Matt would just quit while he's ahead and end the video here. His third point though is just "why don't we just put traditional gender roles from the 50's back?!"

12:33, Matt Walsh: "And third, at a much deeper level, people are very confused and we've lost the basic understanding of what dating is for in the first place. Worse, we've lost any understanding of what men and women are for and what our roles are supposed to be. If we even talk about roles as it relates to men and women it's considered outrageous and offensive somehow."

So, a very verbose way of saying "get back in the kitchen", got it. Should I be taking notes for this?

13:08, Matt Walsh: "Think again about that woman in the first video highlighting her professional achievements. If she understood what men wanted she would instead highlight herself as a kind and affectionate woman who knows how to cook and take care of her man."

You thought I was exaggerating in that last bit of text didn't you?

14:09, Matt Walsh: "Four, this may be the biggest factor but the institutions that once facilitated matchmaking have completely broken down. Have been mostly abandoned or have simply stopped performing those functions."

Citation needed there Matt, no you can't cite your feelings.

14:21, Matt Walsh: "How were people matched up in the past? Well, for most of history families would arrange the matches. That's no longer the case, at least not in the west."

So, Matt still wants arranged marriages to be a thing in America, cool. In a strange stroke of coincidence, arranged marriages would strip women of their autonomy and right to choose which is what Matt was oh so subtly hinting at wanting in factor #3 and has historically espoused wanting even more blatantly in the past. Probably a coincidence.

14:30, Matt Walsh: "And so if the families not doing it, well churches used to play a major role in connecting young people with each other but most young people don't even go to church regularly so that no longer happens."

Yes Matt, that's why cultures that don't practice Christianity are sterile cultures where nobody marries ever. Seriously, we went from kind of stupid to misogynistic to extremely stupid (and still misogynistic) in the span of five minutes.

By the way, Matt Walsh met his wife on eHarmony so his stupid ass argument doesn't even apply to his own lived experience. But yeah, everyone else can only meet women through the church and arranged marriages.

14:38, Matt Walsh: "And if you don't have the family or the church, you've cut out the two institutions that used to be primarily in charge of this kind of thing, you've thrown them out then who's helping single people find each other? The workplace was sort of the third option and never the best place to facilitate romantic relationships but now it's even worse. HR regulations make it a risky proposition for a man to try to initiate any kind of romantic relationship with a co-worker and with more and more people working from home your co-workers may be thousands of miles away in any case."

So, the only alternative to church and arranged marriages is for men to sexually harass women in the workplace. Too bad those pesky HR regulations get in the way of that.

Ok, I’ve had enough “learning” from Matt Walsh for one lifetime.

Conclusion:

Well, that's was the stupidest take on the dating market that I've ever heard. I'm starting to realize that "What is a Woman?" might have actually been a genuine question because Matt Walsh clearly has no idea what women want outside of "they should be my personal slave".

I guess the takeaways here are that women don't understand their "roles" well enough and that the only possible places to meet a partner are the church and arranged marriages.

Cheers and I'll see you in the next one.

Original Video:

“Ep. 1373 - Why the Modern Dating Scene Is a Nightmare.” The Daily Wire.

Sources:

Dugan, Susan. “Psychology Professor on the “Loneliness Epidemic” — and How to Counter It.” Arts, Humanities & Social Sciences, 27 June 2023.

Gelles-Watnick, Risa. “Roughly Six-In-Ten Single Adults in the U.S. Say They Are Not Looking for a Relationship or Dates.” Pew Research Center, 7 Feb. 2023.

Gelles-Watnick, Risa. “For Valentine’s Day, 5 Facts about Single Americans.” Pew Research Center, 8 Feb. 2023.

Nathan. Gen Z & Millennial Survey on Marriage and Living Together - New Statistics 2023. 23 June 2023.