#may self destruct idk
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lol i have been chronically online and wanna rant about some stupid shit i have seen. i will probably say something problematic in here <3 dont worry about it
do you ever see people making up discourse about different ways to be queer and like. maybe they are right idk. but also please log off and hang out with some queer people irl and maybe we actually dont need to play "who has it worse" "who can talk about these issues" identity politics with every different possible combo of pronouns/gender presentation/gender identity.
ok up next i keep getting "modest girl" instagram reels and it's so funny bc most of them are just. normal girls in cute outfits that i would probably wear too. but they are making such a big deal about their Modesty Journey pls chill
the amount of tradwife content i get...... not good. not good at all. and like i love homemakers! that's what my mom did for most of my life! but instagram influencer homemakers??? not it. they have always got some shit to say about their husbands not wanting them to have a job or they don't need a college education or God wanted me to get married at 18. you're allowed to do these things if you want idc but the more this stuff is normalized (ie 60 yrs ago or whatever. also less than 60 years ago.) the more women get trapped in abusive relationships because they don't have a savings account or a path to independence. your individual choices are not setting back feminism but you #tradwife content totally is
last night i got this video about a girl snacking on butter and i was like. wow i hate that. so i looked at her account and she only eats meat?? like? "I don't eat plants" what the fuck., anyway. then instagram showed me lots of other types of disordered eating influencers. yikes!
oh idk i also dont like "girl math" or the word "girlypop" or whatever. it almost feels like we finally made it from "im not like other girls" to "sometimes i am like other girls which rocks bc i love girls" and then took it too far to some kind of weird "i am stupid i am a woman divine feminine" situation? idk i see people posting about this, i'll reblog if i see someone phrase this in a way that makes sense
oh my god and the comments sections???? SO many people have GOT to learn to just scroll past. like if you see a teenager being awkward or "cringe" or wearing a bad outfit. can you just leave them alone? like just keep scrolling. people are so mean? and for what? so other people will like their mean comments. i hate it so much.
man i am just. scrolling and i hate it. and i know the algorithm is showing me things i hate even more bc i look at them. awful.
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Dragging my teeth across concrete, I'm still so mad about everything, oh bbygirl
#ye he is doing ouchie but that's not why he's crying#ouyang my beloved#im so fucking mad all that and for whatttttttt#only cure for this pain is a modern au where they meet again#may they have all their lives together#also yeah idk how to do smoke#general ouyang#the radiant emperor#the radiant emperor fanart#general ouyang fanart#fanart#art#digital art#illustration#tw self destruction#tw self destructive behavior#tw self h4rm#he who drowned the world#she who became the sun
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sorry i’m still annoyed but like we really think if ned would have seen robert hit lyanna with his own two eyes he wouldn’t have done anything. that’s what we’re saying. that’s really what we’re all saying that’s really-
#idk why people are incapable of talking about nedcat’s faults without going to the most deranged option possible#i think if lyanna was 16 and pregnant with Robert’s baby & wrote him a daella esque ‘pls come im scared’#ned would go see what was UP. he’d Probably assume she misses their mother and would bring like. nan or someone to storm’s end#but come on. he abandons storm’s end to a starving & distraught stannis bc he thought she was still alive.#and people will be like ‘he’s an asshole to cersei’ u r ignoring the part where she fucked her brother & he thinks she murdered jon arryn.#THATS why he’s an asshole it’s very clear that the spousal abuse set off insane alarm bells in this man’s mind.#yeah it’s not enough to say stop a marriage between margaery and robert.#but if u think it’s not enough to go now what the fuck do you think you’re doing here robert if robert left a bruise on lya’s face#unserious. go reread the book. once again i’m accusing too many of you of being only children.#getting on my soap box#this post may self destruct if i feel bad enough about it later
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The fact that people insist that Oda had the best understanding of Dazai just because Dazai said he knew him best makes me understand just why the fandom has such a bad read on him.
The reason Dazai agreed with Oda's perception of him was because Oda didnt care that Dazai did the right or wrong thing, he was never gunning for the "you are better than this" or "stop trying to kill yourself" kind of concern. He was just letting Dazai be whatever without even an ounce of judgement and ultimately only reflecting Dazai's own self perception. But he was also looking at Dazai from the same perspective he used to look at himself. Seriously, I have seen people talk about how Oda understood Dazai better than anyone because he lived through similar events and had no light in his eyes or was a child assassin etc but that doesnt mean his perception of Dazai was good at all. He projected his own perceptions onto Dazai and like who even came to the fuckass conclusion that Oda had a healthy perception of himself???
#also we need to stop romanticizing accepting people with all their self destructive and toxic tendencies#thats not romantic and its not a good thing#itw god awful for Dazai's mental health and idk why this whole shit even became popular#cause now people actually insist that oh Dazai may have just been a child but he was a psycho who didnt give a shit about anyone#when it is repeatedly made clear that he had a tendency to infact care way too much and latch on to the first person who interested him#he cared about Chuuya's perception if him during dhc#he cared about Oda's perception of him during dark era#and he has cared about the ADA and Sigma's perception of him hence the aggressive and horrid masking#and he is hilariously bad at masking cause everyone is unsettled by his fake clownery#and despite how bad he is at it people still think he is actually apathetic and evil???
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I don't know for sure, but it feels like a major customer waiting until the Friday before Christmas to do a small legal saber rattle on a case that hasn't had any priority for anyone for two or more months is what I might be able to describe as "infinitely petty," but I'm not a legal scholar so I can't say for sure.
What I can say is that I took yesterday off for my birthday (thank you all for your lovely wishes) and that today was the first day of our company's Winter Break, and I would honestly be surprised if this particular customer didn't know that. So I had to stop my Stardew Valley play - in which I am having a very good Spring of my 3rd year - to deal with *waves hand at a dumpster of bullshit in my inbox* for two and a half hours.
I think that my participation in this eye-rolling exercise is now over, but man, fuck this shit in particular.
Anyway, now to run errands!
#this post may self destruct#idk if i could get in trouble for it in the future#i did my job correctly#the only thing that could come back to me is that I got too busy to follow up#but they still chose right now to address it
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*twirling my hair* do you like cassandra cain? if not, do u have a moment to hear about our lord and saviour cassandra cain?
CASSANDRA CAIN MY LOVE!!! She's definitely the batgirl I've read the most in terms of full issues, the first 30-ish issues of her solo by Kelly Puckett Scott Peterson and Damion Scott had me hooked and I binged them but fell off after Horrocks came on (nothing against him, he was just given an editorial mandate to make the book more romance focused and it turned me off because it felt so ooc for Cass to me lol. I do own some of the issues he wrote tho! I like the ones with art by Rick Leonardi). I'm not really caught up with modern comics (ish??) And I'm not reading anything dedicatedly but I hear she's in a new original book teaming up with a magic user? Neat! Good for her. I love her in the shadow of the batgirl graphic novel (IT'S SO GOOD)
#ramblings of a lunatic#asks#^ sorry had to be tistic about things for a minute#i loved damion scotts artwork for her solo series sm (especially the later moee stylized stuff even though i recognise how bonkers-#-the proportions are i can't help myself. i like women and i love stylised art like that)#his stuff was surprisingly influential on my own art. idk how much it shows these days but It's There#this hasn't mentioned anything about what i love about cass as a character but like. it's the same as most people who love her man#i love her self destructive dedication to redemption i love the guilt she's saddled with-#-and how it's juxtaposed with her committment to kindness and justice i love how she's the fucking best and she knows it#i love how the relationship between her and oracle was an intergenerational mentorship between two disabled women#and her gay ass bond with stephanie (who in all fairness may be my fav batgirl???-#-but I've also read wayyy less complete issues of her compared to cass due to the differences in how their respective series' are-#-formatted but like. what i have seen i tend to love. i love u stephanie)#but also dear god i do not wanna get reeled back in because nothing the industry ever does will please me the way the ideas in my head do#and I'm constantly at war with myself reading stuff#also it's just hard to get back in when you've been gone with a while it's all just very difficult#but i am rotating cass and stephanie in my brain like a microwave waiting for someone to explode#plenty of people smarter than me have already said this but cass should team up with jason and they should both seethe#he wants to kill. she keeps breaking his bones if he tries it. they're both brushing each others philosophies off bc of where they exist-#-on the batfamily ''kill/no kill'' binary even though they share similarities of wanting to be batman but Better#(jason via controlling crime and killing criminals and her with her ultimate dedication to the symbol and superior combat skills)#(also keep in mind i just watched utrh but haven't read a rhato comic in yonks. so if this is an outdated jason characterization+#-then whoopsie <3)#Jason's dedicated to pushing buttons and poking holes in batmans philosophy and cass is great at reading ppl-#-and sometimes in her series she then performs a limited psychoanalysis of them and tears them apart#(at least she did for shiva) I'd love to see her do that to jason. break him so i can tape his sad lil ass back together#this is getting away from me. anyway no need to proselytise. I'm a former alter boy round here
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off the back of this post abt fic rec lists & how we shld make more of them, new ask meme! send me a fandom / ship / character / trope / wordcount / etc & i'll rec five or more relevant fics!
#yelling at clouds#i am obviously making this to be reblogged but like also. do send me asks#also fyi if this gets a stupid number of notes it may self destruct. for the sake of my activity feed#ask meme#ask game#idk if anyone. checks those??? if u do. hi!
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Ignore
#delete later#ibuprofen my one true love#off to try and get some more tomorrow. in a self destructive mood might go without my crutch. nah thatd be a terrible idea.#didnt take painkillers today abd shits swollen so maybe that's enough being shitty to mu body for this week#whats the phrase harm reduction or whatever. also gonna see if i can get sone body butter or whatever that body moisturiser is called#trying to reduce the impulse to scratch at my skin and maybe replacing it with moisturising will help? might at least#reduce the impulse if im Smooth TM#idk man im in s state and the education stress is gonna continue to ramp up so its defo gonna get worse#i need to prepare so i don't fucking lose it completely#booked time off work in may to have a breakdown bc i should be finished by then. i plan to stay beneath my weighted blanket#for the week#god im tired#and ow. but its fine.
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i really sort of am the poster child for an unhealthy workaholic
#feat me today stumbling around campus on > 4 hours of sleep and one protein bar#+ there’s some other thing going on with me where i have to somehow mentally reward pushing myself and that leads to a dangerous feedback#- loop#so i go oh i wonder what would happen to my body if i just didn’t eat at all and collapsed. what would that feel like#(i’m Not doing this for the record. i’m meeting a friend for food in 20 minutes)#it’s not even depression i know exactly how that kind of self destruction feels and this is unfortunately just my baseline#it’s the masochism innit. (and not even the fun kind :/)#i may also be being dramatic on account of the not eating or sleeping. that’s a real possibility#WOA do i wanna write some whumpy fic abt my problems soon tho#um. idk how to tag this. its not quite a vent#ted talks
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the problem with putting a lot of effort into honing a creative skill that is only accessible to approx 3 people at any given time is you feel really weird saying you’re good at it because you have no way to “prove” it unless the person you’re talking to is one of those specific people so then it’s just like you’re talking out of your ass and being self-important about it
this post is about being a game master
#i’m goin post!#i don’t think i’m ever gonna reach a point where i don’t feel like i’m lying when i tell people i’m a good GM#especially if they’ve 1) never been in a game with me 2) played in a game i GMed when i was genuinely not good or skilled at it haha#and it’s like. gah. i am so so so proud of the creativity i’ve poured into gming#and i’m so proud of myself AND MY FRIENDS for all the amazing stories i’ve had the opportunity to help make in that way#but i am. self conches about like? bragging about that. even when i’m in a situation where tooting my own horn is encouraged#gah idk a part of me is like “wow danny this whole post is just you fishing” but it’s smth that’s been on my mind lately#same with like. saying i’m a good roleplayer#it feels very weird to go “just trust me” about my own skills when i have no way to back it up unless you’re currently roleplaying with me#this post may self destruct if i start feeling weird enough about it
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I love how there r certain kinds of art / fic where u see it and ur like . "Ah. You are Mentally Ill"
#speculation nation#yes im counting my own fic in this. of course im counting my own fic in this.#and i mean ultimately you cant TRULY know bc theres more to ppl than what they put out#but theres just. a certain fascination with the morose that i find is typical for Mentally Ill Creators.#but yes i look at my fics. see the hurt/comfort. and every fic tagged with self harm.#and it's just like. yuuuup. yup yup yup. this sure is a manifestation of Something.#and like yea im just channeling the akechi BUT honestly i feel like majority of goroboys r kinda fucked up like no matter what lmfao#NOT ALWAYS of course. some ppl may just think hes cool or whatever#but it's in the like. recognition through the other. seeing the ugliest parts of yourself reflected in this character.#and feeling the pain. the sympathy. the fascination with it all.#you want to see him given something better because you want something better for yourself too#.....OR you want to see him utterly destroyed bc of Uhhhh totally harmless fascination with destruction obviously.#idk a lot of fandom rly isnt that deep. just people enjoying fiction together.#but when you scrounge around areas of Pain and mental illness like this. it really is kinda a lot.#there's a reason why im still here in this fandom. aside from my dedication to completing discacc and my continued like of p5#& it's bc i see myself reflected in him. a younger me perhaps. back when i really was as raw and angry and scared as he is#so it's kinda therapeutic. to make him go through hell and then see him come out running.#and thus: this creator is Obviously Mentally Ill.#ive never tried to deny it lol#self harm ment/
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DID HOZIER KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE WROTE TOO SWEET did he. did the man consider. was he aware. bro wrote the SONG OF THE SUMMER and went and made the chorus “i take my whiskey neat, my coffee black, and my bed at three; you’re too sweet for me” SIR!??? god he has his finger on the PULSE of my human experience fr
#gin has opinions#idk what i mean by all of this but do you get it???#like this man KNEW#⭐️ving#idk just the continued motif of hunger of want of punishment of austerity in his work#not specifically in this track but in general#👀 i see you sir#This track seems more about the enjoyment of simple pleasures though they may be self destructive#uhhhhh yeah idk
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thinking thoughts. thor bpd too...?
#space viking tag#idk it's complicated#esp since bpd is a very multifaceted thing#like yeah he has mood swings and angry outbursts and he's impulsive and reckless#and he has like no sense of identity. he does Not know who he is beyond the perfect prince#(and how well he thinks he's achieving that and what it means to him are also all over the place)#but other sides of it... maybe not so much. or not Precisely as typically described#like he is very very needy but i don't think it's specifically consciously about *abandonment*#and i think a lot of his anxiety is deeply repressed#and self destructive feelings are mostly like. redirected? or disguised?#so like. bit of an edge case. may or may not count depending on who u ask#tbh hpd might describe his kind of neediness better#but hpd is a) underesearched and b) frequently written about in blatantly hateful ways#so you really have to squint to work out what they mean and idk if i'm quite Getting It tbh#but idk#people pleasing and a deep deep need to Matter and be Seen... very receptive to others' emotions... very deliberate self-presentation... hm
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Me: man my teenage years were horrible, what a relief I'll never have to do that again now that im an adult
God: :)
#was originally just going to talk abt me doing the same self destructive bullshit and having the same thought patterns#but even the event that acted as the final push was identical#the descent is the exact same with new branding#idk why i thought anything would be different the issues didn't have anything to do with being a teenager#although not having to deal w school and living by myself makes things at least a bit better#although rent is expensive so i may have to move back in :) :) :)#idk we'll see how far it goes#maybe I'll start seeing shit again!!!!!!!!
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Haaaaah. It's frustrating living like this tbh.
Like. Its been years and I'm still struggling as much if not more than I did as a child.
I wonder, does anything ever truly change?
#diary#personal#i know it may not seem like it but ive put a lot of effort into growing as a person. yet i still struggle oh so much.#its funny hearing bout ppl with an insane amount of allergies bc inrelate so much.#and it sucks. bc living every day has felt like a struggle for far too long...#...i wanna go back to not working.#idk. im still unable to function one way or another. but at least then i had time and space to exist.#i guess the upside to now is i at least leave the house ig?#idk. i started this job bc of a self destructive cycle i was in. but i feel worse.#i hate working. god. ik everyone around me would say to suck it up but... idk#if living wasnt this painful i would. but honestly. my existence feels like utter suffering. with moments of okay interspersed between#sometimes I wish I had a normal life. but i wouldnt be me that way. now would i?#i... just wish there was something. anything really. to make this trash life feel okay.#like. what am i existing for? why am i trying so hard? whats the point anymore for any of this?#idk. i dont have the answer. maybe you look down on me too for complaining. but i dont care. im just tired.
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my plan for my moving out future is 1.i move out 2. i delete my facebook. to the bestof my abilities 3. make a new one with my wait actually why would i make a new one. well i guess thats mainly what i use to talk to my siblings but also i can text and call them so does it matter. so either make a new one with my name proper (before or after legally changing it I truly dont care it diesnt matter) or straight up Not make one. why would i care i dont even have whatsapp
#wind howls#secret part 4. if anyone calls me by my deadname or misgenders me ill tell them they must be mistaken ive never heard of such person#but this is my name and always has been so idk what theyre on (smiling so serenely and sweetly)#wait actually i cant delete my facebook because i need to make a public huge coming out announcement and see who gets mad#this may seem pointless ajd those who know me may know that such behavior may seem self destructive as im very sensitive#those who know me better however will know that i need and im owed this closure. knowing who calls me crazy and sinful-#within my family will be the last encouragement and satisfaction i need to truly cut them off. i wont be able to otherwise#i wont. feel bad for cutting them off if they hate me. but ill feel bad for cutting them off while they remain ignorant as to why#so i wont immediately delete my facebook. ill make a big deal out of coming out. and ill make sure to notice which-#family members cry out and scream at my need for salvation. then ill be justified
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