#maybe i need to reframe it.

[kazamajun]

I started writing a jun pov thing of her retelling her first meeting with kaz and an overview of them catching feelings but accidentally writerblock'd by asking myself "who would she be saying this to and why?" then I had the thought of it being smth like akin to kaz's t8 ending, maybe she's being interviewed or whatever but AUGH I'm still conflicted bc I don't think spilling the beans is terribly IC

[evocatiio]

if chibnall was the one writing this season you lot would be talking VERY differently

[reds-skull]

Revenant Side Stories

Story IV: Price

[Konchar] [Graves] [Gaz] [AO3]

This one is a little different from the other side stories, but I have to say I had a lot of fun diving into the way Price experiences his powers from his POV.

This one is probably the most plot-relevant story, in relation to part 2. Hope you enjoy it!

The human mind is a deceptively complex subject. No person thinks the same way, Johnathan has found - some see images scrolling by, vague hieroglyphs symbolizing thoughts. Others narrate their day-to-day life, to themselves or to an imaginary audience. Once, he came across a woman, who, being deaf from birth, imagined words as hand signs.

He could take decades studying a single person, exploring the connections in their grey matter. If he wasn’t devoted to keeping his hands dirty to keep the world clean, John would’ve considered working in a field more suitable for his powers.

As it was, the people he comes in contact the most become the subjects of his investigations.

The first of his boys was the hardest. John met Simon merely a few months after his own Reaping, while the grasp he had on his powers was far weaker. He remembers the first time he arrived at reading distance from the Ghost; the sharp, fractured mind of the then-Sergeant was like a physical ache in his own, and he had to shamefully retreat to the bathroom to vomit.

They were both newly not-quite-dead, both far too powerful to allow back to the field while they didn’t have a tight leash on their abilities. So, they trained together.

Simon, or Ghost as he insisted on being referred as, really shouldn’t have been cleared to stay in the military. John didn’t have to be a shrink to tell, the choking feeling of the Sergeant’s memories and flashback almost bringing him to his knees countless times.

The kid went through worse than most veterans have. He had the powers to match.

Limbo. An ability never seen before in the entirety of recorded human history, the first revenant of the Void Reaper. The higher brass saw it as a cheat code for warfare.

John saw it as a defence mechanism of a broken man.

Ghost’s mind was his first, and perhaps biggest, hurdle as a commanding officer and as a revenant. It took weeks before he could stand to be in the same room with him for longer than an hour, months for the inky, tar-like miasma coating each of Simon’s thoughts to clear.

Ghost began to trust him. See that John is the closest one to really understand what made him a revenant, the fundamental reason of Limbo’s existence: It was never about being an off switch to hostile soldiers, like General Shepherd treated it.

Limbo was a world in Simon’s full control, a place where for once in his life, he could make sure he wouldn’t be hurt.

But that wouldn’t be apparent, from just watching him on the field, from reading mission reports on his unmatched powers. No other soldier, General, or Spiritulogist saw what John saw.

And while he tried to explain, it all fell on deaf ears.

John carries many regrets in his life, but allowing Limbo to become a hostile realm toward Ghost might be his worst one.

Guilt isn’t an uncommon emotion among soldiers. Some hide it better than others, but Captain Price learned to see through mental walls a long time ago. While he didn’t have the opportunity to peer into many revenant minds, it was even more prevalent in theirs.

That is to say, Kyle Garrick shouldn’t have surprised him.

He met the young Corporal barely two weeks after his death, the sight of crushed bones still terribly fresh in his mind. It didn’t deter Price like Ghost has - he has learned a lot since, lived through worse - and instead intrigued him. Call it morbid curiosity, but the sheer amount of care Kyle has for each and every soldier on his team, dead or alive, was a sign he will go far, in Price’s eyes.

That value, as admirable as it was, was currently eating the young soldier from the inside. Before he could take Gaz under his wing, he was forced to watch from the sidelines as the regret and shame weighed on Kyle’s heart. It gave him a considerable amount of comfort, to watch the man grow when they had the chance to work together.

Despite knowing both of them, Price wasn’t sure how Ghost and Gaz would handle a mission together. He knew they would be as professional as ever, but Ghost’s reputation precedes him by many paces, and it unfairly emphasizes times when he either was out of control due to the unimaginable weight of his past, or under orders.

So it came as quite a shock when Ghost not only complimented the Sergeant, but in his mind thought he would be content with working with Gaz again.

Price was already meaning to get Gaz on the 141, but seeing how well the two mashed with each other made him all the more certain of the need for the taskforce. He initially pitched it to the higher brass with an explanation of the tactical benefits of gathering their strongest revenants and training them together, allowing for the soldiers to explore unique and powerful ways to combine their abilities.

But secretly, it also allows Price to keep an eye on them, be their commanding officer, and make sure nobody will take advantage of those otherworldly powers without taking in consideration that maybe, despite already dying, revenants aren’t any less human than their fellow soldiers.

And for a long time, it was them three, against whatever fate threw at them. The taskforce gained infamy as the only revenant-exclusive squad in the world, mission after mission joining a long line of successes.

It wasn’t all perfect behind closed doors. Ghost’s Limbo continued to be hostile towards its owner, forcing him to work alone. Gaz was still burdened, and while having other revenants around him helped, showing him he’s not alone in his struggles, sometimes it was not enough.

Their team had their flaws, but it was better than any other alternative they had.

Then, Soap found his way in.

Sergeant MacTavish was an odd revenant, even among the unusual. From the first time meeting him, Price noted just how much the Scot seems to repress, even within the comfort of his own mind. Peering in, it was as if thick concrete walls were erected around his thoughts, sectioning off the different parts that made up Soap.

His personal file wasn’t much better - full pages blacked out, especially any pertaining to his Reaping. Price knows the smell of red tape, and Soap’s file was reeking with it.

It brought him years back to Simon, the way both of them appear to be afraid of themselves.

He decided to assign them both to a simple mission. Ghost resisted at first, as he always does when Price tries to get him out of his shell, so to speak. Luckily for him, and unfortunately for Ghost, he has the final word as a Captain.

It ended up a shitshow, because it always does when Price needs it not to. Or, that’s what he thought at first, hearing the initial reports.

Ghost’s demeanor was almost somber when Price asked him about Soap. Regret, and what Price could define as the feeling of missing out, surrounded the Lieutenant’s thoughts. Something about Soap caught his attention.

It took months before an opportunity arose, and an incredible effort from his side to not spill those thoughts accidentally (lest his plans fail, and his boys become disappointed), but Price managed to convince his superiors that the taskforce needs a new member. That member, of course, being Soap.

Price did not foresee just how much that addition will change his team. To say he regrets it would be a lie… but knowing what he knows now, he might’ve considered it longer.

Seeing how happy the three of them are, how things simply click better with Soap around, Price believes he would’ve made the same choice again and again.

Price came across a few revenants in his life, gazed into their thoughts more than once. Each of them were wholly extraordinary. The experience of dying and meeting a Reaper alters one’s mind irrevocably.

Out of all of those revenants, there’s only one that made Johnathan Price feel an innate sort of dread, one whose thoughts were disturbing enough to keep him awake at night for weeks after their short meeting. One that forced his own to a breaking point, made Price physically hear the creaking of his crumbling brain attempting to process what it is seeing.

That mind being, Vladimir Makarov’s.

John’s Reaper isn’t of the chatty kind, the one that tries to control its revenants with an iron fist. For the most part, it let him do as he pleases, occasionally warning him from this mission or another.

The sudden shift between their world and his Reaper’s realm never ceases to send a bolt of shock through him. He has observed minds when they were brought to distant places beyond their understanding. It made his eyes bleed.

This one is no different.

“R-Reaper. To what do I owe the honors?” John asks, wincing as a headache attacks him, brain overstimulated by the shifting shapes around him, concepts he has no words for appearing and disappearing with a blink.

“You are to be sent on a mission in a few hours.” the Reaper responds, a wild mass of flashing lights, like synapses of a starless sky. Price’s gift allows him to see the hidden messages between the words.

“Interest. Warning. Fear.”

…Fear…?

What… could make his Reaper… afraid?

The ancient voice continues, “You will be asked to kill a man. A revenant.”

“Danger. Blood. Enemy.”

John’s brows scrunch in confusion, “Reaper-?”

“You cannot kill that revenant. Under orders of Fate, you will not kill that revenant.”

“Command. Terror. Fate.”

John opens his mouth, to ask one of the billion questions swirling in his mind, but the synapses flash, his body gets the feeling of falling, and-

John gasps, eyes rapidly taking in his surroundings. Back in his office, kicked out of the Reaper realm before he could let out a peep. He sighs, wiping sweat from his brow, nape still tingling with the wrongness of his Reaper’s messages.

Something is scaring his Reaper to obey… ‘Fate’. John’s not sure what exactly that is, but he knows who will.

He’s about to punch in the number of the resident Spiritulogist on base, when a knock sounds on his door. “Open!” He calls loudly, his mind already supplying him with the orders the rookie is about to tell him.

They have a mission lined up for him, and he’s to be debriefed immediately. The rookie mumbles as such, and John waves him off.

His stomach churns in a way it hasn’t for a very long time.

“Bravo 0-6, what’s your status?”

Price brings a hand up to his comms, “solid, in position, no sign of the target.”

The watcher copies his response, clicking off channel. John swallows thickly, adjusting the hold on his sniper. On paper, this mission should be simple - a man named Andrei Nolan has been observed to be making moves in favor of several international criminal rings. The SAS needs him dead, and Price is here to make sure of that.

The intel suggested a possibility of the man being a revenant, but with no confirmed Reaper, the information doesn’t help him in the slightest.

The port he’s overlooking is said to be housing missiles in some of its shipment containers. Nolan will arrive to buy them from a local arms dealer. They would’ve not sent someone like Price usually, but not only did Nolan evade capture several times, he recently ramped up his activity, pointing to a new employer.

Any other day, Price would’ve killed him with no hesitation. Today, however, the words of his Reaper echo within his mind, dread spreading through his synapses, the emotions that coursed through the interdimensional being now flowing through him.

Reapers don’t lie, and his certainly doesn’t mince words. If it didn’t see a reason to warn John, it wouldn’t have.

There wasn’t enough time to explain that to his superiors, though. Humans don’t understand the connection Reapers and revenants have, hell, they barely understand Reapers as a concept, let alone their intricate oddities.

He inhales deeply. John hopes he’s close enough to read Nolan, when he finally shows up. Perhaps the man’s mind might have a clue as to why his Reaper needs him to stay alive.

And as if his thoughts have been heard, Andrei Nolan shows his face. Or… is that Nolan? The description given in the brief fits him, black hair, brown eyes, Eastern European man in his 30s, wearing a black suit and a red tie. But…

His left eye is closed, lower lid pink like it’s infected, and Price can’t tell from the distance, but… there seems to be a red line, almost like a tear, drawn down his cheek.

Price frowns, adjusting the zoom on his scope, analyzing the face as much as he can while the man moves. The seller arrived already, and is now showing “Nolan” the goods, but he doesn’t pay mind to him. The left eye seemingly confirms the revenant status, something about it is unsettling in a Reaper’s way, but if that’s the case, wouldn’t the intel note that?

“0-6 to Watcher.” Price mutters, eyes not straying from the supposed target, “I’ve got eyes on a man fitting the description, but something doesn’t line up.”

“This is Watcher, what is the problem, Lieutenant?”

“His left eye is shut, red marking down his left cheek. Sign of a revenant, don’t know who’s.”

The line goes quiet for a few beats, “...standby, 0-6.”

The crease between his brows deepens, John sighs and waits. The alleged Nolan and the seller are still discussing something, probably pertaining to the deal.

After a few long minutes, his radio crackles, “Watcher to 0-6, we’ve consulted Dr. Novikov.”

The head Spiritulogist of the SAS regiment. If there’s any non-revenant he could trust on such matters, it’s him, “what did he say?”

“No PID. Nolan has not been documented to have markings like the ones you’ve described, and they’re impossible to acquire after Reaping.”

“...So we don’t know who this man is?”

“Negative.”

Price shuts his comms for a moment to curse. He radios back in, “Watcher, requesting permission to move closer to target.”

“Explain your reasoning, 0-6”

“I want to use my powers on him. Check his thoughts, might give us an ID.”

The Watcher’s voice becomes muffled as they talk to another person in the room, “granted. Make sure to not be seen, Price.”

“Copy.” he answers, adding under his breath, “not a bloody rookie, am I…”

He leaves the sniper on the hill he previously perched on, preferring to go as light as possible. The target and the seller have moved since the conversation with Watcher, opening a shipment container and examining its contents. With their backs towards him, Price weaves between containers, climbing up a few to get a better view of the guards.

His range on complete strangers is shite as ever, a disadvantage he can’t train out of him. John stays low, sticking to the sharp shadows cast by the steel boxes, creeping closer and closer to the target.

The target is still focused on the illegal missiles, and he needs to step just a few more meters to get into range-

The man sharply turns, his eye locking with Price’s. A chill goes down his spine, and he freezes in place. He couldn’t have noticed him.

Price’s muscles don’t dare move, thoughts both reeling and dead still, as the man raises a hand, and slowly, slowly peels his left eyelid up.

The red line on his cheek continues up into the eye whites, going all the way into his disturbingly crimson pupil.

The seller stares at the target, expression confused when he is ignored. The target steps forward, and John has to force his legs to stay put and not run, because every single cell in his body screams of danger.

“Danger. Blood. Enemy.”

The target enters his range, and smiles. But why would he smile? He has no reason to, because he doesn’t know that Price is a Revenant of the Mind, doesn’t know the limits of his powers.

He doesn’t. He can’t.

And yet when their thoughts link, the first words he can farce are…

“Johnathan Price… just on time.”

John’s thoughts escape his mind before he can get a semblance of control on them, questions like “you shouldn’t know my name, how do you know my name?!” and “who are you, what Reaper fucking reaped you?”

To that, the target smiles with perfect, unnaturally white teeth, “you should know by now, people like me and you operate in realms considered impossible by most, Lieutenant.”

Price grinds his teeth, forcibly pulling his mind back, taking control of his powers, of what the target sees, “you’re not Andrei Nolan, are you?”

The Target chuckles, “you’re far more pathetic than I expected.” the image in his mind is not of Price, but of the entire SAS. “No, I’m not Nolan. I’ll let you know my true name, because rest assured, Johnathan, we will meet again.”

Price scoffs incredulously. There’s no doubt in the revenant’s mind, despite stating something he couldn’t possibly know.

“You do not believe me.”

“I’ve read enough minds to know an overconfident one by now, mate.” Price glares.

The revenant’s grin widens, peculiarly pleased. “It appears that I need to provide evidence for my claims. Very well.” he sweeps two fingers on the red marking on his face, a sort of thread materializing between them. Price’s breathing picks up, something in the revenant’s mind poking at his, a red haze enveloping his thoughts.

He takes half a step back, eyes wide and staring at the thread hanging from the revenant’s fingers.

“I can promise you, Lieutenant, you will not stay in disbelief for much longer.”

The thread shoots forward in a sudden rush, Price stumbling back, but no man or revenant could escape those unnatural strings.

The moment it wraps around his throat, images begin flashing in his mind.

A burning city, smell of flesh overwhelming his senses.

Emptiness. Living statues, covered in darkness.

Endless skies, clouds and stars, moon and sun, falling and falling and falling.

Piles of broken bodies, some familiar and others not, all far too young to be dead.

A photo passed towards him, of the very revenant that is invading his mind. The smell of alcohol burns at his nose.

Realms beyond his own, a fabric weaved with crimson strings. Hands, knitting it together. Three eyes, identical to the revenant’s.

Words. 

“Fate”

“Unescapable. Indestructible. Unchangeable.”

“Nothing but a puppet on red strings.”

A cruel smile, human teeth grafted onto the blood-red skin of a Reaper. Suffocating satisfaction, unfathomable knowledge, power great enough to bend Reaper will.

“Under orders of Fate, you will not kill that revenant.”

“The Revenant of Fate.”

“Vladimir Makarov.”

The string snaps.

Price finds himself on all fours, shaking. The screaming around him doesn’t die down, and it takes him minutes to realize it comes from his mouth. Little red tears drip between his hands, his eyes crying blood.

The revenant - Makarov - laughs. In his thoughts, the sound bouncing in his cranium, unescapable.

“When I tell you we will meet again, Johnathan, I do not lie.” Makarov says, condescending. “But for now, our business is done.”

He feels Makarov leave his range, not before he says, “you should consider yourself lucky, Lieutenant Price. Not many receive this gift, to see their own fate. Until next time.”

John doesn’t dare lift his gaze for what feels like hours, the shaking in his limbs taking long minutes to subside. Eventually, the dread in his gut lowers enough for him to look up.

The seller’s body lays dead in front of him, shipping containers still full to the brim with missiles. Makarov didn’t come for them.

His only goal was Price.

“This is Bravo 0-6 to Watcher, how copy?”

“...Price?! We’ve been trying to contact you for hours, where have you-”

“Target was not Nolan. He wasn't after the missiles, either.”

“Lieutenant-”

“What do we know about the Reaper of Fate?”

[13eyond13]

I think the moment Light's crush on L first smacked him in the manga (like when it finally rooted and started blooming in his guts) was when L was like "you're my first ever friend" whilst smirking into his teacup. And not because Light fully believed he was being sincere about being friends, but because he KNEW L was slyly teasing him and speaking to him on more than one level at once. Nothing more unexpected funny flattering and intriguing than that for him right then

[rosesradio]

one of these days next week i need to take a day and dedicate it full stop to writing fic…

[resonabilis-echo]

.

[moongothic]

I see some people often wonder out loud if Luffy might get a weapon or something to wield eventually, for no other reason than Roger and Shanks (and even Kaidou) also use(d) weapons, and it'd give Luffy some "extra strenght" in combat so he wouldn't have to rely on his Devil Fruit so much (and the Awakening especially, since it drains him so badly)

And the thing is, as most would probably agree, most weapons and blades especially just would not fit into Luffy's combat style. He, much like his grandpappy, fights with his fists, so it's hard to imagine him using any kind of weapons to fight

But that just made me wonder... Like...

Okay so people have been speculating for ages that Luffy might die at the end of the story or something, right. I do not buy that for a second, but it is true that Luffy is willing to throw himself into a lot of danger and has sacrificed literal years off his lifespan to protect those around him. And that has been escalating. It'd be natural for Luffy's self-endangerment to escalate to a point where there'd be actual, severe and tangible concequences for it. Aside from death.

And you know.

There's been some allusions to Luffy losing his hands, right

And you might wonder

How would Luffy losing a hand translate to him gaining a weapon

Well

You know

And the funny thing is

Luffy might not be one to use a HOOK, per se

But we have seen him wield a giant ball of gold to smash Enel's face in. So a metal mace/morning star/etc could actually work

(Also since his Awakening can mess with the fabric of reality itself, even if one of Luffy's fists was replaced with a solid ORB of metal, he could probably/totally reshape it during combat to fit his needs, into an axe or a morning star or knife etc)

Also.

There would be something poetic about Luffy sacrificing a hand to protect someone dear to him, much like how Shanks sacrificed his entire arm to protect Luffy in Chapter 1.

Like you'd get the pay-off/concequences to the escalation of Luffy's constant self-sacrificing, but nobody dies. Luffy gets a weapon to add to his arsenal, but it fits into his pre-existing fighting style and character. And we could get that poetic full-circle.

That all said, if Luffy did somehow lose a hand.

I'm sure Franky would HAPPILY give Luffy a prosthetic hand with a ✨BEAM✨ Can not imagine Luffy turning such an offer down lmao

[aeide-thea]

ugh

saw a post with a quote that basically tidily summed up the rebuttal i'd half-started drafting to someone's post about how homosociality in tolkien ~queers amatonormativity~ [spoiler: on the contrary, male homosociality has been engaged in a three-way handshake with both misogynist heterosexuality and amatonormativity for literal millennia, and far from undermining them, more typically serves as essential reinforcement], so i was like, great, now i don't have to actually write that essay, i can just reblog this instead and tag it #tolkien! :)

but then, like a conscientious idiot, i went and dutifully looked up the book it was from, because i think it's irresponsible to cite excerpts whose context you aren't familiar with; and very predictably it turned out to be by a r*dfem and to make all sorts of claims abt so-called 'phallocratic culture' that i dislike, both as a trans person and ally myself and also as a logical thinker who can tell perfectly well from, you know, lived experience of our society that having a penis doesn't in fact confer ready social acceptance, never mind dominance, on people who don't otherwise look or act the part of a Proper Man, because ultimately what we reflexively defer to is a particular vibe, produced by a combination of physique and affect and other things besides, which may imply the presence of a penis but neither actually reveals nor necessitates one…

so like. ugh. probably i'm gonna have to write my own essay after all. :/

[gideonisms]

If you want grad school apply anyway. I've seen so many cases where technically they're not eligible but they got in anyway

Thanks for the advice!! yeah, I am not sure it is what I want because I don't think it would solve my problems but I DO think it would create new different problems and sometimes that's the best you can hope for? idk

[casketears]

thinking fondly again of my unfinished omori au fic where mari has just died, and aubrey has been so thoroughly ditched by kel and hero, and sunny hasn't left his house in weeks, and aubrey (because naturally it all comes back to aubrey) is just so angry all the time but she doesn't know where to put it, so she tries to distract herself; make things normal again by going over to basil's house at least, but even that doesn't work because the fucking freak has scribbled over all of their shared memories. and she's so angry, and she's so hurt, and basil doesn't even have an explanation- he's just staring at her helplessly, like it's not even his fault when they both know it is, and she's just so fucking angry, and without even knowing it she's reeling her fist back and - yeah. she makes contact. and basil's nose is broken, probably, and there's thick blood pouring out of it, but when he turns his head again to face her it's not to match the stunned horror that she herself feels. it's to let her do it again. and anyway this au is called 'aubrey semi privately uses basil as a punching bag to cope, and he is worryingly okay with it', more at 6

[trashlie]

Nol and Kousuke; their continued parallels

I know I never shut up about parallels and mirroring and foiling but that’s something that I find so fascinating about ILY - the intentional set up of characters who can illuminate something else in another character, and how the way they respond similarly or differently to their similar scenarios makes or breaks them. For instance, we see in Nol and Shinae typically positive mirroring - where she has learned from him how to be a better friend and turned around and gave it right back to him. But we also see between Nol and Kouske’s parallels a tendency to fracture and create chaos. 

The more we learn about Nol and Kousuke, and their relationship, the more intrigued I grow about how they parallel each other, because I think they are more alike than they - and some readers - realize. Or, rather, I think Nol is at least aware of it to some degree, but Kousuke remains locked up inside his comfortable bubble. 

I don’t have a clear cut thought-process for this post lol so please bear with me - I’m just tossing around some thoughts I’ve been having. It’s a LOT of long-winded rambling lol I’m sorry in advance 

To some degree, Nol and Kousuke’s parentage is paralleled. Neither of them had much of a relationship with Rand - for Nol, he didn’t even know his father for years, and Kousuke may as well not have as busy as Rand always was. They also had a mother who loved them. I’m using this word loosely here because frankly I think Yui sees Kousuke as an extension of herself, rather than a person of his own, and thus I feel like her love is more of a means for what she wants but, that’s part of what I’m getting at, too. Kousuke interprets it as love, Kousuke believes that their family is unlike others and that they don’t show affection the same way, that nurturing isn’t the same, and that Yui wants what is best for him and guides him to that goal. On the flipside, we have Nol who, as far as we can tell thus far, had a mother who loved him and doted on him, was affectionate and warm and made him feel like he was special, gifting him with a special nickname. 

The foil goes further, too - Kousuke grew up wealthy and privileged, wanting for nothing, with the security afforded to the family heir who would go on to one day inherit the company and the fortune. Nol, on the other hand, we can tell didn’t have the same fortune as Kousuke, and we get the sense that the only abundance they had was of warmth and love. Or maybe that’s just my projection, haha. At any rate, we see the set up clearly: one is cold, lonely, but with all wants fulfilled*; the other warm and affectionate though they may not have had everything they wanted. 

It’s easy to see that Nol was nurtured. That he may not have had all materialistic wants met, but his basic needs were. When he first meets Kousuke, he exudes confidence and charm, he seems like a friendly child. We also can see in him, even if he buries it deep down, that Nol is deeply empathetic and understanding of people, and even if he did it for penance, he took it upon himself to help others - but more than that, he seems to intuitively understand what people need, because he understands the wants and needs of people. 

Kousuke, on the other hand, doesn’t have that same ability, because he lacks the experiences Nol has. When you’ve had to want for nothing* your whole life, when you are intelligent and successful, when you have every opportunity afforded to you, you grow to accept what you’ve been told your whole life: that you are the best, that you will go on to do great things, that you are above these other baser needs. It was through the internalized belief that becoming better will make his father love him, that he could earn his father’s love by being just like him, that he would impress him and receive the love and attention he craved. So Kousuke never developed that understanding of the importance of friendship and peers, never learned the strife and trials others endure. He knows he’s privileged, but he also knew that empathy was beneath him, because he had no need to engage with others, because he knows his place and it’s above others. 

We haven’t seen young Nol interactions with kids his age outside of the teasing about his name, but it’s safe to guess that he probably had a pretty decent childhood before he and his mother moved closer to Rand. Kousuke on the other hand admits that he knows no one likes him, that he lacks the personality and charisma Nol possesses, that he fears he acquired none of Rand’s good traits and only the ones that made him the most like him in the worst way. 

Idk this is something I like to talk and think about, because it’s not clearly not simply a story of have vs have nots, or, well it isn’t so cut and dry. Because to some degree I guess it is. Nol had something that Kousuke didn’t - that affectionate nurturing, someone who gave him reassurance and warmth, someone who made him feel love. Does Kousuke feel love towards his mother? Does he even feel love towards his father? At a very young age he internalized that love is different for them, and he also internalized a transactional sense of love. That he must be worthy of love, that he must earn it. He forsook the activities a normal child his age should have engaged in and instead set himself on a one-track quest to chase after the one thing he ever wanted but couldn’t obtain: his father’s love. 

Though it can be argued Yui loves Kousuke, it doesn’t negate that he grew up in the face of neglect, and that he so deeply internalized this neglect until it poisoned him and grew from him an ugly, thorny bush that has him deeply caught within it. I think that’s the thing that’s saddest to me about Kousuke - he had everything he could want but for the one thing he truly desperately wanted, and it clouded him so strongly that he couldn’t see beyond it. It turned him into someone jealous and unhappy, someone who couldn’t bear to live with the idea that someone else might have had what he wanted, that someone else had experienced it, someone who wasn’t (in his mind) good enough. 

Kousuke believes that in order to win his father’s affection, he has to be good enough. And how could this illegitimate child possibly be good enough to win it? This illegitimate child who was nearly a spitting image of Rand, who had a bright smile and laughed. This child who emanated every positive trait used to describe Rand - every positive trait Kousuke had never born witness to. 

And because Nol wasn’t good enough because he was insatiably jealous the fear took root. Fear that nothing he did would ever matter, fear that Nol who already had beat him when it came to genetics, could possibly best him again. 

That neglect played so heavily into Kousuke’s identity that he has yet to separate himself from it, has acknowledged the way he is driven by fear and jealousy, that he couldn’t bear the idea of Nol ever besting him and did all he could to tear him down, to ensure he never could. And that’s the thing - Kousuke wasn’t wrong, although he wasn’t correct, either. Nol could have bested him, just not the way he feared. And, until now, he had chosen not to.

That’s the biggest difference in where Nol and Kousuke foil each other. Kousuke was raised with cold, lacked the kind of warm nurturing Nol had, learned love to be transactional, and that neglect turned into want and grew into jealousy and fear so intense that he had to tear someone down. But where Kousuke was raised in a corporate family, by business minded people who had no room for empathy and certainly not for those beneath him, by people who needed to be cunning and make calculated choices, Nol was raised by someone who seemed to exude warmth and instill in him the kinds of morals that were beneath Kousuke. Nol came to this new home equipped with empathy, and also with a gaping hole of want. 

Over and over Nol reached out to Kousuke, wanting to help him fill that hole of his own, hoping for a companion, for a buddy, to be part of a team. That even if they felt small - and though Kousuke may have felt otherwise, Rand certainly made him feel small and not good enough - they could have been together, they could have lifted each other up. Nol learned at an early age what it was like to have an ally, to have someone on your side, to have someone you were able to show your weakness to. Kousuke never did; he had to be perfect at all times. He could never make a misstep, lest he disappoint father, lest he set himself back on his quest for his father’s love.

And this further came to manifest as they grew older. Where Kousuke’s neglect turned him jealous and fearful, Nol’s didn’t really externalize the way Kousuke’s did. Even though he was punched down by Kousuke and attacked, even though we know his experiences with Yui still cause him fear, even though he, too, suffers from disappointing Rand, Nol never really took it out on Kousuke, the way Kousuke did to him. I think there’s another reason to it, but I do think his sense of empathy played a strong role, here. As someone going through it, and worse, Nol understood what it was like to feel like you weren’t good enough, that no matter what you did you would never make a difference. Over and over again he appealed to Kousuke knowing he wasn’t good enough in his eyes, but hoping one day he would be. He understood! 

That’s not to say that he hasn’t fought back because we’ve certainly seen that throughout ILY Nol has started to push back more, that more and more his veneer has changed and he’s gone from obedient for the sake of keeping peace to going toe to toe with Kousuke and finally voicing his feelings. But I think even up until the night before his court date, Nol hoped one day  he would reach Kousuke, that maybe there was something left in him that was salvageable. 

But that’s not all! I think that’s the most obvious way that Nol and Kousuke foil each other, because it constitutes for so much of who they are, of their core identities. Nol made a point to distance himself from people out of both a fear that he would bring harm to others and a deeply held belief that he didn’t even deserve that kindness. And yet he still reached out to people who needed that help. Even though his motivation stemmed from a selfish place (his penance), it still was an act of kindness, it was still him empathizing with people and playing his part to benefit them. Kousuke, though, came from an environment that encouraged every man for himself, that there’s no good in softness, that you had to be hard to be strong you had to be above your feelings, that you had to be the best, that people were beneath you and you had to ensure they knew it. 

And yet, Nol and Kousuke both are SO SIMILAR in ways that they don’t seem to realize, I think, because they are so blinded by the very thing that makes them so similar. 

Especially at this current stage of the story, we see that both Nol and Kousuke are at war with themselves. Or rather, there’s a battle raging on within each of them, both of them contending what they believe to be true and actual reality. 

Kousuke has spent a long time projecting on Nol. We’ve been seeing it for many episodes, all the way back to the night he got drunk at the club with Kousuke and Yujing and all the voices he “heard”, people talking about him and saying things that were, frankly, true. Things that deep down he knows to be true of himself. We’ve seen him lie to himself on MANY occasions, usually to placate himself. We’ve also seen times he’s stated things with eyes closed, impying some kind of mask or lie. One that I remember off the top of my head really clearly was when Nol and Shinae were bickering about his jacket at dinner, and Kousuke told them they’re ridiculous, they’re acting like children. But looking back on it, doesn’t it feel more like a moment of Kousuke’s jealousy he spoke of? That Nol is someone so good natured and easy to get along with, that people just naturally get along with him. He doesn’t have these kinds of frivolous relationships with people, doesn’t even allow himself them because there’s no time he has better things to be doing. 

But by stuffing down these little truths, by squashing down his insecurities and fears, by lying to himself at each opportunity, Kousuke plays heavily into the world he believes in, and it’s clear to us readers that the world he believes in is not, in fact, true. 

Quimchee has talked before about how memory plays a role in this story - and that there isn’t one true memory, because everyone’s memory is biased by their own views, their own feelings. Memories are malleable - over and over you remember things and details change and you can’t quite recall what was or wasn’t true. 

Kousuke speaks with such conviction of things that aren’t entirely true. Even recently, he said to Nol “Do you know how much trouble I’m in with father because of you?” even though he’d just had a phone call with Rand reassuring him he was not, in fact, in trouble, and that all Rand wanted was to know they are safe. But it doesn’t compute with what Kousuke knows to be true - that Rand will be disappointed in him, that he is Nol’s keeper, that it’s his job to keep an eye on Nol, so he dismisses the truth and reverts back to his own version of things. 

Not only that, but even the aftermath of that call roughed him up and worked him up so much it set him off on a spiral. Kousuke was dealing with a lot that night, especially with what he believes is expected of him. He was already high tension long before Nol jumped into the pool, and long before that call with Rand, but by the time he shows up at the Parks’ house, he’s full on spiraling, ruder than usual, meaner than he tends to allow himself to look in front of others (he prides himself on being a gentleman and understanding the importance of decorum and a good public image). 

When reality tests his false reality, it sets him off. He can’t handle the dissonance between the two, is incapable of facing that what he deeply believes to be true may not be. Because if that isn’t true, what else isn’t it? And from what we saw after he punched Nol and he took that fall, there’s something buried deep in Kousuke’s subconscious that he cannot face, that he refuses to. Something that he is protecting himself from. 

“Sometimes those that experience trauma create falsified memories to cope.” 

Kousuke is speaking of Nol, but I’m pretty sure he’s projecting. He’s the one, I think, with the falsified memory (though I’ll get to Nol in a moment). He is the one who has come away from that night Nol was taken away the inherent belief that Nol is unstable and violent, that Nol attacked him, that he is constantly laying an attack on him. He’s paranoid of Nol at every turn and takes every success Nol has as a slight against him. Maybe Nol was planning all along to use Oxford as an opportunity to best Kousuke and threaten him. But Kousuke never even considered an alternative. I think there’s even a likelihood that he got in the way of Nol and Shinae’s growing friendship not only to isolate Nol again, but because that jealousy still eats him up: that Nol is so personable and likable, that he just has a way with people who end up genuinely liking him, whereas no one likes Kousuke; he lacks what Nol has that makes him so likeable. But anything Nol does that looks like success is a slight against Kousuke. He can’t bear to see him rise up, lest he ever rise high enough to eclipse Kousuke. 

And while it’s very believable Nol is the violent one - because we’ve seen him lash out already and we know about his punching bag and what angers does to him and how he relieves it - we also have to wonder. If Nol was the one who attacked, why was Kousuke the one huff huff huffing in his memory, just like after punching Nol? It doesn’t match up with Nol’s memory - asking what he did wrong insisting he didn’t do anything. We’ve already established memories can be falsified - so whose is? What is it that is so traumatic about this experience that Kousuke couldn’t clearly recall it? There’s a whole post to be said about that memory and why we should be wary of its accuracy based on the coloring but that’s not for me to write (someone else on reddit has said they are working on it and I look forward to it!) but the point is: Kousuke is probably the one coping with falsified memories, with a false reality. 

But he’s also not quite wrong, I think. Like I said, this is where Nol and Kousuke overlap in similarities. 

It’s harder to state for certainty regarding Nol, since it’s just conjecture at this point, but I think it’s safe to say that Nol’s inherent belief that he is a monster, that he is a villain, is part of a falsified reality, and I think his was born out of the time he spent in that mental facility. In fact, a lot of Nol’s other trauma reactions seem to be born of that time. He’s vehemently against medicine, he doesn’t like to be in hospitals, his entire reaction when he woke up thinking he was back at Hirahara Memorial alone is enough to deduce that the time Nol was there was awful and irrevocably changed him. Is that where the belief that he’s a monster was born? Was it through Kousuke’s emotional abuse and the time he spent in the mental facility that Nol came to regard himself so lowly, that he came to believe everyone is better off without him, that he can only bring danger and badness to people he cares about? 

We’re obviously missing a few puzzle pieces here, but I think it’s a safe guess. Did something happen to his mom as a result of her pregnancy or his birth, or is it more than something happened to her and he feels like it wouldn’t have if he’d never been born? It feels like something happened and he was made to internalize it. Not all “mental facilities” are good, and not all have the good of the kids in mind. And worse, with Yui’s connections to the hospital, it’s likely that what was “meant to be” help was the complete opposite. I feel like that’s why Nol has internalized it so deeply; it’s something that was pressed upon him at a vulnerable time and it completely changed the way he views himself and how he thinks he’s reflected to the world. 

Kousuke clings to his falsified reality for comfort, Nol hides in his because he has nowhere else to go. Kousuke is afraid of reality and the truth, Nol is incapable of even seeing it! And even here, where they are so alike, they still react differently. When faced with dissonance between his reality and actual reality, Kousuke externalizes it, starts spiraling and grows angry. (Or, we could say.... he becomes.... unstable?) Nol, though, internalizes his and delves deeper into that dark. 

Now, I’m not saying there’s no case for Nol having ever attacked Kousuke. But I also wonder if we aren’t supposed to think deeper on this. Nol looks like he’s violent based on this altercation with Kousuke and what we saw with Sangchul, and how hard it is for him to bite back his anger. But we also know Kousuke to be an unstable person - he struggles with reconciling truth with what he believes and when he gets overwhelmed and stressed, he becomes irascible and paranoid - and some of that paranoia seems to leak the truth he’s fighting. But that’s not what this post is about lol. 

The point is, both Nol and Kousuke are struggling to reconcile what they believe and what is really true. So much of Kousuke’s peace seems to hinge on what he believes - it’s so easy to tip the scale and lead him into a spiral as he fights off the truth. Control is what makes him feel powerful - not in just the lording over people way, but over his own mental state. He needs everything to adhere to what he believes, lest he have to face something he isn’t ready for, something that will change everything he believes. He needs to believe that what he knows to be true, because who is he, what is he, if it isn’t? What of the years he spent grinding and trying his best to meet someone’s approval if it was all in vain? 

But Nol struggles with his falsified reality because he believes himself to be dangerous and undeserving. Who is he, to think he deserves friendship, to think he deserves kindness? Who is he to think he deserves comfort. For what he believes he’s done, he must suffer and any form of peace is undeserved - even dying. But we see that he is starting to struggle with that - he has formed friends he thinks he doesn’t deserve and they care about him. He is allowing himself moments of relying on others, of accepting their comfort. How does he reconcile his internalized beliefs with what he is finding himself wanting?

If we are to take their drunken states to be indicative of some truths they cannot face - like Kousuke’s paranoia that people are talking about him, that they are saying horrible (but true) things about him as a reflection of how he sees himself and what he believes of himself, then Nol fighting with Alyssa and stating that he doesn’t even want to be there, that there’s somewhere else he’d rather be is indicative of the truth he is denying, seeing in a group of strangers the people he’s yearning for. Just because he doesn’t believe he deserves it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it. As much as Nol believes he’s a monster meant to be vilified, he still craves the comfort that comes from his friends. He still wants to be around people who DO love him, around people who see the good in him. 

They both struggle to reconcile this with reality. Kousuke can’t face who he really is, that he spent his whole life trying to earn affection that should have been given. He left no room in his life for anything he enjoyed because there was one desire that trumped it all, one reward that would justify the means. Who is he if what he believes isn’t true. What has he lived for, if he will never obtain his strongest desire? How do you live with yourself, when you realize that? So he runs from it, he takes shelter in something that makes sense, that makes him feel better, that grants him the control he needs. And Nol runs from his truth, because what he believes - that he is a monster - is something he can’t let go of, lest he bring more harm to people he cares about. He has to evade it, lest the truth catch him - that maybe he isn’t the monster he believes, that maybe he does deserve the love he craves. How can he continue to evade it, though, unless he continues to believe in his truth? 

I really look forward to seeing what Nol and Kousuke make of these scenarios, of whether or not they ever choose to accept/embrace reality (or if it has to be pushed on them). In a sense, they both reside in these falsified realities for a sense of control and security. Maybe Nol knows deep down that he can’t control what happens to the people he loves, so he just hopes by distancing himself he can control that much. They both face very difficult choices and have a lot of demons to confront, and I want to see they’ll ever find where they overlap again or if they will choose forked paths. 

It all boils down to this: Nol and Kousuke are both prisoner of their own minds, in some way. Neither of them can move forward until they tackle that, but it’s such an intrinsically woven part of them, how are they to shed that? That’s what I’m dying to see. 

[crunchycrystals]

while im procrastinating on my homework im just gonna say im gonna be kind of very mad if that mv she's filming is actually for a midnights track lol i like the theory that its for long live though i think that would really fit if the vid is actually about taking back her work

[seventh-district]

ough i've been neglecting my side-blogs and tumblr in general so badly lately. i need more time in my day

[mbat]

you ever think youre safe but then someone does something that makes you feel really unsafe again and the worst part is that you dont think they even knew that it would do that and that no one even knows that you feel this way and you cant just tell them because thats stupid

i think it also sucks cause i think maybe i wouldnt have even felt 90% as bad as i did if i was just given a warning but i literally dont think they knew to give me one

and i was doing so good before...

[toastsnaffler]

i feel like every decision i have to make atm is rock and a hard place devil and the deep blue sea and i cant fucking deal with it i can feel the wires fusing + cogs screeching to a halt. total mental shutdown

[creatingblackcharacters]

"Let's Have a Talk, First"- Stereotypes, pt 1

Come sit down. You and I, before we get into any of the things I'm sure you're impatient to know: we need to have a come to Jesus talk, first.

There are some things that I've been asked and seen that strengthens my belief that we need to have a reframing of the conversation on stereotypes in media away from something as simple as "how do I find the checklist of stereotypes to avoid". Because race- and therefore racial stereotypes- is a complex construct! Stands to reason then, that seeing, understanding, and avoiding it won't be that simple! I'm going to give you a couple pointers to (hopefully) help you rethink your approach to this topic, and therefore how to apply it when you're writing Black characters- and even when thinking about Black people!

Point #1: DEVELOP THE CHARACTER!! WRITE!!

Excuse my crude language, but let me be blunt: Black people- and therefore Black characters- will get angry at things, and occasionally make bad choices in the heat of the moment. Some of us like to fuck real nasty, some might be dominant in the bedroom, they may even be incredibly experienced! Others of us succumb to circumstance and make poor decisions that lead to crime.

None of those things inherently makes any of us angry Black women and threatening Black men, Jezebels and BBC Mandingos, and gangsters and thugs!

Black people are PEOPLE! Write us as such!

If all Black characters ever did was go outside, say "hi neighbor!" and walk back in the house, we'd be as boring as racist fans often accuse.

I say this because I feel I've seen advice that I feel makes people think writing a Black character that… Emotes negatively, or gets hurt by life and circumstance, or really enjoys hard sex, or really any scenario where they might "look bad" is the issue. I can tell many people think "well if I write that, then it's a stereotype" and to avoid the difficulty, they'll probably end up writing a flat Black character or not writing them at all. Or- and I've seen this too- they'll overcompensate in the other direction, which reveals that they 'wrote a different sort of Black person!' and it comes off just as awkwardly because it means you think that the Black people that do these things are 'bad'. And I hate that, because we're capable of depth, nuance, good, evil, adventure, world domination, all of it!

My point is, if you write your character like the human being they are, while taking care to recognize that you as the writer are not buying into stereotypes with your OWN messaging, you're fine. We have emotions, we have motivations and goals, we make decisions, and we make mistakes, just like anybody else. Write that! Develop your character!

POINT #2: YOU CAN'T CONTROL THE READERS!!

Okay. You can write the GREATEST Black character ever, full of depth, love, nuance, emotional range, all those things…. And people are still going to be racist about them. Sorry. There is absolutely nothing you can do to control a reader coming from that place of bias you sought to avoid. If it's not there, TRUST AND BELIEVE, it'll be projected onto them.

That passionate young Black woman who told the MC to get her head out of her ass? Yeah she's an angry Black bitch now, and bully to the sweet white MC. Maybe a lesbian mommy figure if they like her enough to "redeem" her. That Black gay male lead that treats his partner like he worships the ground he walks on? Yeah he's an abusive thug that needs to die now because he disagreed One Time with his white partner. That Black trans woman who happened to be competing against the white MC, in a story where the white MC makes comparable choices? Ohhhh they're gonna be VILE about that poor woman.

It really hurts- most especially as a Black fan and writer- knowing that you have something amazing to offer (as a person and creative) and people are gonna spit on that and call it "preference". That they can project themselves onto white characters no matter what, but if you project your experiences onto black characters, it's "pandering", "self insert", "woke", "annoying", "boring", and other foul things we've all gotten comments of.

But expect that it's gonna happen when you write a Black character, again, especially if you're a Black writer. If you're not Black, it won't hurt as personally, but it will probably come as a shock when you put so much effort in to create a lovely character and people are just ass about them. Unfortunately, that is the climate of fandom we currently exist in.

My favorite example is of Louis De Pointe Du Lac from AMC's Interview With The Vampire. Louis is actually one of the best depictions of the existential horror that is being Black in a racist White world I have ever seen written by mostly nonblack people. It was timeless; I related to every single source of racist pain he experienced.

People were HORRIFIC about Louis.

It didn't matter that he was well written and what he symbolized; many white viewers did NOT LIKE this man. There's a level of empathy and understanding that Black characters in particular don't receive in comparison to white counterparts, and that's due to many of those stereotypes and systemic biases I'm going to talk about.

My point is, recognize that while yes, you as the author have a duty to write a character thoughtfully as you can, it's not going to stop the response of the ignorant. Writing seeking to get everyone to understand what you were trying to do… Sisyphean effort. It's better to focus on knowing that YOU wrote something good, that YOU did not write the stereotype that those people are determined to see.

POINT #3: WHY is something a stereotype?

While there are lists of stereotypes against Black people in media and life that can be found, I would appreciate if people stopped approaching it as just a list of things you can check off to avoid. You can know what the stereotypes are, sure, but if you don't understand WHY they're a problem and how they play into perception of us, you'll either end up writing a flat character trying to avoid that list, or you're going to write other things related to that stereotype because "oh its not item #1"... and it'll still be racist.

For example: if you wrote a "sassy Black woman" that does a z formation neck rotation just because a store manager asked her something… that's probably stereotype. If you thought of a character that needed to be "loudmouthed", "sassy", and "strong" and a dark-skinned black woman was automatically what fit the profile in your mind, ding ding ding! THAT'S where you need to catch your racist biases.

But a dark-skinned Black woman character cursing out a store manager because she's had a really bad, stressful day and their attitude towards her pushed her over the edge may be in the wrong, but she's not an "angry Black woman". She's a Black woman that's angry! And if you wrote the day she had to be as bad as would drive anyone to overstimulation and anxiety, the blow up will make sense! The development and writing behind her led to this logical point (which connects to point #1!)

I'm not going to provide a truly exhaustive list of Black stereotypes in media because that would ACTUALLY be worth a college credited class and I do this for free lmao. But I am going to provide some classic examples that can get y'all started on your own research.

POINT #4: WATCH BLACK NARRATIVES!

As always, I'm gonna push supporting Black creators, because that's the best way to see the range of what you'd like. You want to see Black villains? We got those! Black heroes? Black antiheroes? Assholes, lovers, comedians, depressed, criminals, kings, and more? They exist! You can get inspired by watching those movies and reading those books, see how WE depict us!

I've seen mixed reviews on it, BUT- I personally really enjoyed Swarm, because it was one of the first times I'd ever seen that "unhinged obsessed murderous Black fan girl" concept. Tumblr usually loves that shit lmao. Even the "bites you bites you bites you [thing I love]" thing was there. And she liked girls, too. Just saying. I thought it was a fun idea that I'd love to see more of. Y'all gotta give us a chance to be in these roles, to tell these tales. We can do it too, and you'd enjoy it if you tried to understand it!

POINT#5: You are NOT Black!

This is obvious lmao, but if you're not Black, there's no need to pretend. There's no need to think "oh well I have to get a 100% perfect depiction of the Black person's mind". That's… That's gonna look cringe, at its best. You don't have to do that in order to avoid stereotypes. You're not going to be able to catch every nuance because it's not your lived experience, nor is it the societally enforced culture. Just… Do what you can, and if you feel like it's coming off hokey… Maybe consider if you want to continue this way lol. If you know of any Black beta readers or sensitivity reviewers, that'd be a good time to check in!

For example, if your Black character is talking about "what's good my homie" and there's absolutely no reason for him to be speaking that way other than to indicate that he's Black… 😬 I can't stop you but… Are you sure?

An egregious example of a TERRIBLE way to write a Black character is the "What If: Miles Morales/Thor" comic. I want to emphasize the lack of good Black character design involved in some of these PROFESSIONAL art spaces, because that MARVEL comic PASSED QA!! That comic went past NUMEROUS sets of eyes and was APPROVED!! IT GOT RELEASED!! NO ONE STOPPED IT!!

I'm sorry, it was just so racist-ly bad that it was hilarious. Like you couldn't make that shit up.

Anyway, unfortunately that's how some of y'all sound trying to write AAVE. I promise that we speak the Queen's English too lmao. If you're worried you won't get it right, just use the standard form of English. It's fine! Personally, I'd much rather you do that than try to 'decode AAVE' if you don't know how to use it.

My point is, if you're actively "forcing" yourself to "think Black"… maybe you need to stand down and reconsider your approach lmao. This is why understanding the stereotypes and social environment behind them will help you write better, because you can incorporate that Blackness- without having to verbally "emphasize how Black this is"- into their character, motivations, and actions.

Conclusion

We need to reconsider how we approach the concepts of stereotypes when writing our Black characters. The goal is not to cross off a checklist of things to avoid per se, but to understand WHY we have to develop our Black characters well enough to avoid incorporating them into our writing. Give your Black characters substance- we're human beings! We have motivations and fears and desires! We're not perfect, but we're not inherently flawed because of our race. That's what makes the difference!

And as always, and really in particular for this topic, it's the thought that counts, but the action that delivers!