#me at 3am on a lonely Saturday night: well

[wilteddreamsofbaldursgate]

Slow Dancing in Circles

Ascended Astarion || Astarion x f!Tav || ao3 || Masterlist

Rating: M , +18 Word Count: +1.4k Warnings: Ascended Astarion, abuse, mentions of sex (dub-con?, no description of sex act), mentions of death, adult themes.

And so it’s just you and him going through the same old motions, following a routine of his design—you always do, these days. Or decades. Centuries? Who knows? Not that it matters, no. You’ve been doing this for a very long time. Agreeing. Smiling. Fighting. Fucking. Dancing. Crying. Blood. So much blood. Even when this ballroom is long dead, the Gate is still bleeding red—for you, he says. Always for you. 

a/n: said I wouldn't do AA content but I talk a lot, apparently. Written in a frenzy. Another not so edited work, because I'm playing around with my writing lately and also try to chill a little. And it's 3am, make of that information what you will.

The Vampire Lord’s hand is clasping yours tightly as you dance around his empty ballroom. There’s no music accompanying you tonight—there was once, but not anymore. You can’t say when it crept in exactly, the heavy silence in this grand room. You only know that the music faded gradually, once upon a time, so slowly that you only noticed its absence when it had long fallen silent. Not that it matters, now.

The Lord of the house and you—his consort, his bride, his little love—are the only guests this room has seen in years, but you still know the steps of this dance by your cold, undead heart. You’ve gone through these same motions thousands of times before, and still, the Vampire Lord insists on guiding you through them. It’s not that he fears you’ll forget your place in time—you can’t, because he seldom wastes an opportunity reminding you.

Follow my lead, little love, he purrs into your ear. It’s not like you could do otherwise.  

And so it’s just you and him dancing through a withering ballroom, old grandeur slowly crumbling under years of silence and moonlit dust. One step forward, two steps back. Left. Right. Left. Left. Spin. Back. Back. Forward, please? Back. Left. No, pet, start again. There’s no end to this dance, unless the Vampire Lord wishes so, and he never does. 

And so it’s just you and him going through the same old motions, following a routine of his design—you always do, these days. Or decades. Centuries? Who knows? Not that it matters, no. You’ve been doing this for a very long time. Agreeing. Smiling. Fighting. Fucking. Dancing. Crying. Blood. So much blood. Even when this ballroom is long dead, the Gate is still bleeding red—for you, he says. Always for you. 

You’re hungry, little love. 

Are you? You must be, because he is. The Vampire Lord is insatiable. And so you must be, too. It’s just another step of this dance. Drinking. Sucking. Waiting. Killing. Damning. Fucking. Blood. So much blood. Love…? Once, maybe. You can’t be sure. Not anymore. Not since your fangs have grown dull. Not since you’re dancing in empty rooms. 

There is no need for you to hunt, let alone starve—not when the Vampire Lord is providing for your every need. Has he ever not done that? No, you haven’t known a night of hunger in his house. How very kind. What would you do without him?

You should be grateful, little love. 

He’s right. There’s no need for you to prowl dark alleys. No drunks, no whores, no rats to taint your pretty mouth with. Only the very best for you, pet. So the Vampire Lord brings you a handsome virgin when you’ve been good, and you always are for him. Gifts you an elf that has seen so many centuries, they’re carved into their beautiful leathery skin. Lies down a girl before you whose belly is so swollen with child that you can’t tell one heartbeat from the other. Their blood is calling to your instincts. You urge to pierce their skin with your fangs, but—  

We ask before we bite, little love.

Yes. May you have some blood, please? Of course, pet, of course! A feast just for you! Who else would it be for? Who else would matter as much as you do?

Come, eat right up, little love!

The moment your food arrives in your chambers it’s pale-faced and stupid with mortal agony. You don’t particularly like that. Their blood has an odd taste to it when the servants had to wash piss and shit off their fear-paralysed bodies right before serving them to you. They’re still alive but stink of death; it’s distasteful. Pitiful. You hate the way they look at you. But you don’t tell the Vampire Lord that. It would be ungrateful, wouldn’t it? 

I said eat, little love.

And doesn’t he feed you so lovingly, even when you reject his generosity at first? You don’t even need to use your own fangs to rip out their throats, he’s angry enough to do it for you. All you need to do is drink. Consume. Live. Please, even if you don’t want to. Listen to skin ripping and bone breaking. Screams fading into music fading into silence in the once-grand ballroom. Life fading to dust. 

The Vampire Lord knows you prefer the ones that are already half-drained of life when they’re brought to you—he knows everything about you. You like them better because they don’t move. They don’t scream. They don’t go through the same motions over and over and over again. All they need to do is die. They’re as good as gone when the Vampire Lord takes the last of their blood in his mouth, pulls you into a heady kiss. They don’t know that their essence drains from his mouth into yours, down your throat, and all you need to see are glassy eyes when the hunger you haven’t even felt has finally been sated. 

Good girl, little love, you’re so very good for me.

You wish you had been more like them, once upon a time, already gone instead of being consumed by fear. Stupid with love. Giving what wasn’t yours to give. Back then—when was it; does it even matter?—when your hands hadn’t yet been drenched in the blood of countless souls. Back then, when all you wanted was to protect the man you…No, it doesn’t matter. Not anymore. Even thinking like that is very bad of you. And yet, the Vampire Lord already knows of your wish. He knows it so well that you’ll never find the words to tell him of it yourself. He doesn’t want to hear of your wish, so silence remains. And it doesn’t matter. Not anymore.

I need you, little love.

The Vampire Lord fucks you the same way he dances with you—slow, but firmly. Holding you as close as your bodies allow, lest you vanish into one of the many empty rooms in this grand eroding house. That’s when you love him most. This body inside you is the only thing that still feels like him—the man you loved, once upon a time. Always. What was his name again? He had a silly laugh, you remember, and he was so very sad. Scared. He loved you so much.

Nothing feels as good as you do, little love.

The Vampire Lord plunging into you isn’t scared, nor is he very sad. He’s long over such mortal whims. He’s frantic, though, most of the time. He thinks he’s hiding it, but you went through the steps of this dance so many times that you can glimpse past the mask. He loves you still—his consort, his little love, his prisoner. 

Not that it matters, because it’s just him and a shadow of yourself dancing in a crowded ballroom at all times. Seven thousand damned souls are tugging at your skirts, you can feel their grasp as much as you can feel the Vampire Lord clasping your wrist, his nails digging into your skin. They’re one and the same, death and him. 

Follow my lead, little love. Follow my lead.

The Vampire Lord drags you over ash and bones and blood, so much blood that it makes your head spin. He’s a puppet master pulling the strings of all that’s dead and he won’t ever let go of you—you can tell by the smile on his face that doesn’t reach his all-seeing eyes. It never does. 

You want to hurt him. He knows.

What is it, little love?

You hate him. That man who stole your lover, once upon a time. No, you have to admit that’s not quite right. You were there, too, after all. You’d given him the dagger and then held down your lover as the Vampire Lord stripped himself of the man he was before. You two killed him so very thoroughly, except for his body there is nothing left, now.

“I love you,” is all you can say. They’re not your words, not anymore. 

I know, little love, you always will. 

Sunlight is breaking through dusty old curtains. The Vampire Lord spins you dangerously close to the soaring heat reaching for you. Why doesn’t he just let this house go up in flames? It would be no trouble. You always burned so bright, once upon a time. It would take but a moment.

But burning isn’t part of this dance. Left. Death. Back. Hatred. Back. Eternity. Spin. Tears. Right. His name started with an A. Right. Aeterna amantes. Forward, please? Lovers forever. No, pet, start again. There is little love left, but, as you’re slow dancing in circles through this tomb, you know that eternity has only just begun. 

[hollandsrecs]

singer!reader masterlist (1)

links last checked 4/1/21 | more masterlists

34+35 by marvelouspeterparker

3am by saintlavrents

summary: “it’s three in the morning.”

a secret love by t-holland2080

summary: you’re tired of hiding your relationship with tom.

all too well by farfromtommy

always in style by angel-spidey

bartender by t-o-m-hollands

summary: tom is the owner of a struggling pub together with his brothers and his best friend. you are a singer who’s supposed to work on your new album, not spend most of your time flirting with the local bartender.

biggest fan by in-a-lot-of-fandoms-tbh

summary: you’re a famous singer and tom’s your biggest fan.

blurb #1 by t-lostinworlds

collide by stan-holland

darling by waitimcomingtoo

summary: your new song may expose your relationship with tom before you’re ready.

evening by blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms

extra by t-lostinworlds

summary: you get a sweet but very extra surprise on your birthday nearing the end of your show.

famous by missnxthingg

summary: tom drops everything just to go meet his dream girl, brand new celebrity, once she announces a tour date in atlanta, where he’s shooting civil war.

i hope you find what you’re looking for by katsukilovesya

summary: “i wish you were sorry for the things you’ve done. and after all you put me through, i’m sick and tired of loving you more. i just can’t give you what you’re looking for.”

is there somewhere by katsukilovesya

summary: being the secret never feels good.

i’d gladly surrender to you, body and soul by etoileholland

summary: a lonely tom wanders into an old jazz club where reader is a last minute substitute sultry singer. the two lock eyes and reader makes the first move by getting flirty during her song and tom is desperate to find her after the show.

last kiss by t-holland2080

summary: you realized you were in love with tom, your friend with benefits, but he wants a break.

live from new york, it’s saturday night! by mcrwriting

summary: in which the reader is the musical guest at snl the same week tom holland is hosting.

nasty by marvelouspeterparker

no sleep by ptersmj

summary: you’re on jimmy kimmel to talk about your music, but he has other plans.

open mic by whatevsholland

summary: the cafe tom works at is holding an open mic night and he’s hoping his favorite customer is going to sign up.

positions by santahollands

safety net by toms-gf

summary: trippin’, fallin’ with no safety net.

shaking shoulders by imagines-by-billie

summary: “don’t give me that puppy dog face. how am i supposed to say no to that?”

stickwitu by in-a-lot-of-fandoms-tbh

take me backstage by madmadmilk

tom and singer!reader are exes but are in the same circle of friends by osterfield-holland-andcompany

tom singing along by highroadsteve

summary: you perform at an awards show and find out your celebrity crush was singing along.

what a time by unsaidholland

x marks the spot by t-holland2080

summary: you and tom dated in high school and even got matching tattoos together, but you two are pulled apart from your different careers.

[theskywaslookingback]

2020 is almost over and I just wanted to share some of my favorite lines from fics that I’ve worked on this year. No particular order because I’m bad about remembering when I started and finished a piece.

Jon’s flat is cold and musty. It’s obvious from the moment they step inside that it hasn’t been occupied in some time. The curtains are pulled tight over the windows, the light from the street peeking around the edges with a hazy yellow hue. Dishes have been left in the dry rack, a mug on the counter containing something that might have once been tea. It’s stifling in its bareness, empty walls and heavy bookshelves. The only point of warmth comes from two hands clasped together in desperation. - doubt, these are the ways that i love you series

Jon wants to pull him closer, let Martin crawl into the skin of him until they are not two but one and Martin never feels lonely again. - doubt, these are the ways that i love you series

“It’s just Daisy,” Jon says, “she’s not- she won’t hurt us.” The end lilts upward like a question. Light roves under his clothes, the cloth wrapped snugly around his face. All of his eyes flickering back and forth between hunter and lover. Each time they land on her it feels like a blade. It feels like a kiss. - home and safety, apocalypse now series

“Love you,” Gerry breathes, because he can. He’s too full of it to hold it inside of himself anymore. He always has been. - 3AM, visible world series

“If I step on your foot,” Martin says tightly. “I’ll step on yours back, Blackwood.” Laughter crashes out of him like a battering ram and Martin presses closer, pulls Gerry in tighter and lets himself be guided around the kitchen in clumsy circles. - Summer Air, visible world series

“You know, you could just go to a salon.” Jon says, but he’s already standing and reaching for the box. “This is cheaper.” “I know. You can tell.” “Hey--” -6PM, Saturday Night, visible world series

“Jon, no person’s desires are consistent from day to day. You’re always allowed to change your mind.” “But even I don’t always know,” Jon says thickly, “that’s-- you’ll get tired of it. Or Gerry will. And I’ll be--” “Stop that.” Martin says, but it doesn’t feel like an admonishment. Like everything about Martin it sounds kind and measured. “You are so, so hard on yourself, you know that?” Jon knows. “Yes.” “Love is not easy,” Martin says, “especially for people like us. We’ve had to work for this, all three of us, every day of our lives. I’m not going to get tired of you. I’m not going to be upset if boundaries change. I’m just going to learn the new rules, over and over, as many times as are needed.” Martin drops down to press their foreheads together and Jon feels his eyes close involuntarily. “I love you. I choose to love you, and I will continue choosing to love you every day for the rest of my life. Okay?” - Abrupt, visible world series

There is something between Gerry and Martin that Jon doesn’t understand, though not for lack of trying. He can see it now, in the tremble of Martin’s jaw and sudden sober wakefulness on Gerry’s face. He tries not to feel that familiar awkward ache in his chest that reminds him there will always be things about his partners that he doesn’t understand. - Intimacy, visible world series

“Why?” Jon asks. It sounds startled out of him, like the abrupt firing of a gun. The tape crackles in Jon’s hand, growling like an aching, hungry stomach. “I mean, why do you care?” He doesn’t sound accusatory or angry, just curious. ‘ I don’t ,’ is what Tim wants to say. It’s what he means to say. But instead his stomach swoops and the words tumble from his mouth, unwanted and unbidden but true, “You’re all I have left.” Jon’s mouth does something funny, trembling into an ‘o’. He fumbles for words, though nothing comes out but vague stammering noises. Tim snarls and grabs him by the shirt, twisting his hand in the fabric and pulling hard until Jon meets him chest to chest. “Do not do that to me ever again.” “I-I didn’t mean to--” “ Don’t. ” - litany (in which certain things are crossed out)

She’d gone out for lunch an hour ago on her own. It felt like a test, the gnawing hunger in her blood versus her will to make it be still, no one there to hold her accountable except for her own desire to be better. It was alright, fine. She’d gotten a sandwich at the cafe and impulsively ordered a salad to take back to the Institute for Sims. God knew he’d never remember to eat if she didn’t remind him. - Days Before; Unwinding, chaper one

She can feel his mouth against her neck, lips wet as he tries to speak. She holds him tighter, feels his fingers dig into the fabric of her shirt. “Shhh,” she rumbles and feels him sigh. “I know. Be still.” She slides a hand into his hair, rubbing fingers against his scalp the way her mother did for her after nightmares as a child. His breath hitches and she knows he’s crying, silently in a way that makes her wonder when he’d learned to quiet his own sadness. “I’ve got it, I’ve got you.” - Days Before; Unwinding, chapter one

Tim gestures at the piles of research vaguely, almost spilling coffee over his hand. Jon takes his mug. “Is that not why I’m here?” “Is it?” Tim gins, raising an eyebrow. “Sure there’s no other reason? A little Netflix and chill?” He’s joking, of course, he knows Jon has never expressed any interest in him in that way. Just a harmless flirtation, meant only to bring a little bit of heat to Jon’s face and neck. And that it does, the tips of his ears burning a ruddy red at the implication. “Tim-” - Days Before; Unwinding, chapter two

Gerry traces a finger over the constellation of freckles along Martin’s shoulder, up the side of his neck, almost light enough to tickle. He’s named some of the constellations before, called them things like Orpheus or Ariadne, pressing kissing into the bare skin until Martin giggles and presses him gently away. - Lazy Sunday Morning, visible world series

“I’m taking you to the doctor. Is the oven already off?” “Yeah, it– yes.” “Okay, just hang on to my shoulders.” “If you drop me–” “I can carry Martin,” Gerry says, hoisting Jon up from the ground, “you think I’m going to drop you?” Jon grumbles but presses his face into Gerry’s shoulder. - prompts, visible world series

Helen…is. At least it thinks so. Any state of being is complicated, as they were never meant to be a being. Helen was, and then very quickly and unceremoniously and all at once Helen was not. And they were Helen, and Helen was them. So, Helen was, and Helen is. The Archivist is, certainly. He’s pretending not to see, keeping his two front eyes shut in her hallways but all the rest of them creak open with curiosity. He follows her with his eyes closed, his hand outstretched to feel the bend and pulse of the wall. The way it shrinks and expands, undulating like an intestine. She wonders if he knows it is feeding on him. Not much. Not enough. But it is, it does. She does. [...] (The thing they were before was never any of that, because it never had to be. It was twisting lines, curving shadows, spirals and fractals. Being hurt. Becoming hurt. And it had turned that hurt on Michael, who had not always been anger and fear and sharp stark lines. And it would turn that hurt on Helen. But not yet. Not yet.) - prompts

When Jon makes his way back into the sitting room Martin is crouched in front of the radiator and frowning, the sleeves of his button down shirt rolled up to show the light brown skin of his forearm. He has a birthmark on his left arm, nestled next to the crease where his arm bends, a dark spot like a smudge of dirt that Jon wants to press his mouth to. - hands, unfinished

Martin appears a minute later from the bedroom  and takes his tea with a grateful little thanks before taking a sip and making a face.  “Tea is tea.” Jon mumbles.  “I’m not sure this still qualifies.” Martin says but drinks it anyway. - hands, unfinished

Martin’s hands are large and strong and lovely. Jon’s breath catches when Martin’s arm curls around his waist and he’s pulled back against Martin’s chest. He can feel Martin’s heart beating against his back, thudding almost as loud and hard as his own. Martin’s fingers settle over his stomach, splaying out. Jon thinks his hand could almost cover it completely and it sets off another round of shivering in him that has nothing at all to do with the cold. “Alright?” Martin whispers. “Yes.” “You’re shaking.” “I’m-- it’s cold, Martin.” Martin hums thoughtfully and lets go of Jon for just a moment, long enough to pull the duvet up higher around them before settling his hand back against Jon’s stomach. Jon curls his own hands in front of his face and grabs the blanket so hard his knuckles ache. - hands, unfinished

Jon hums in agreement, closing his book without bothering to mark the page. He starts to stand and has a sudden thought, freezing half in place, “Do I— do you want me to—?” He gestures vaguely at the hall, where the single bed lies unmade, and then down at the settee. Last night had been...well, wonderful; but it had mostly been a necessity. Now, with the radiator half-working, warming the bones of the cottage, they could theoretically get through the night alone without freezing half to death. He sits back down on the settee rather heavily and it knocks their legs together, though Martin doesn’t seem to notice.  Martin’s brows scrunch together and Jon has to fight the urge to smooth the skin back down with his thumbs. “Do I want what?” Me, Jon thought. He huffed out a sharp breath through his nose. “Do you want— do you want to sleep alone?” - hands, unfinished

“Thank you,” Jon says, his throat and eyes burning with unshed tears, “for having loved me.” Martin’s eyebrows furrow down and his hand comes up to brush Jon’s cheek. His fingers come away wet and Jon knows he’s lost. “Jon?” “It’s okay,” Jon says, even though it’s not. Even though his chest is painfully tight and he no longer knows how to breathe. “It’s okay.” “Jon what- oh. Oh…” Martin’s hands are so lovely and warm and real, one pressed to his face, his chest, his neck. “I did love you,” he says and Jon’s eyes close. There are lips, chapped from the cold and wind, pressed to his forehead. “I did,” Martin murmurs, “I still do.” “How?” Jon breathes out, ragged, his hands reaching for Martin’s wrists with desperate strength.  “How could I not?” - hands, unfinished

[flokive]

lie to me II - Youngblood

description: part two of my internet bff au featuring ashton irwin // the fight between james and elisabeth left liz feeling lonely and numb. it doesn’t really help that her best friend, fletcher, really wants to know what happened and wants to help, even though he lives in australia and liz lives in europe...  writers note: yay! in honor of soft!ashton thursdays here’s the second chapter of lie to me :) don’t really have a lot to say, just a quick thank you to my loves @ashtonsos​ and @easierlftv​ for proof reading this <3 // enjoy! hope y’all like it, and, please, don’t worry... fletcher will be more prominent in the story soon...  wordcount: 1358

++

“Remember the words you told me, love me 'til the day I die Surrender my everything 'cause you made me believe you're mine Yeah, you used to call me baby, now you calling me by name Takes one to know one You beat me at my own damn game”

---

                                                                                fletchersthoughts

liz? hello? well, you sure know how to get a man eager with anticipation…

...

umm, earth to liz? where are you?

…

ok, i’m starting to get worried. liz???

… 

liz, please just message me back. i have got to get some sleep, it’s almost 3am here… love you!!! bye

Liz has been sitting on the floor, numb and empty until her thoughts are interrupted by the smell of burning sauce. As quick as she possibly can, she jumps to her feet and turns off the stove, watching the steam escaping the now blackened pasta sauce. Too tired from the fight to clean up the kitchen mess, she leaves the saucepan on the stove, cracks the window to let the bad smell escape the kitchen, and plumps down on the couch, feeling numb and unable to do anything else. 

Liz jolts awake, the sudden movement making her wince. A quick glance at the clock informs her it’s 3 am, the outside world is dark and cold, apart from the spots on the street that are lit up by the street lights. The house is quiet, Liz calls for James, her voice echoes in their empty apartment, and no one responds. He’s still gone and she’s all alone again. A lonely yet guilty feeling washes over Liz as she closes her eyes and rubs her neck, trying to ease the pain caused by the weird sleeping position on the couch. As she slowly rises to her feet, a sad sob leaves her throat when she looks at the kitchen mess. Quickly she turns off the kitchen lights, trying to ignore the mess and the guilt that comes with it. If she just did something else this night, if she just ignored Fletcher this one time, none of this would’ve happened. In the dark, the apartment feels even colder than it did before, maybe even more terrifying than before. Liz rests her head against the doorframe that separates the kitchen with the hallway to their, maybe now only her, bedroom. When she slowly opens the door to the master, her eyes meet the mess James created. Clothes are flung everywhere, a picture frame lies on the ground, the glass shattered and James’ bedside table is cleared. With tears burning in her eyes she tries to pick up the pieces of the picture frame, carefully to let the sharp glass cut her hands, a sad sigh leaves her mouth when she puts the glass shards on her bedside table. She slowly seats herself down on the bed, holding her head between her hands. Salty tears stream down her face when she thinks about everything that’s been said and done. The thoughts if she could’ve done anything different re-enter her mind as she lays down, dragging her blanket over her head, trying to just forget the world for a moment. 

The first thing Liz does when she wakes up is checking her phone, wondering if James has sent any messages since their fight last night. Her inbox is empty, apart from Fletcher’s seven un-read messages she chose to ignore last night. She clicks on the bolded notification and reads them slowly, after staring at the words for a while she decides to not reply yet, not wanting to talk about the events of last night. Since it’s Saturday and Liz doesn’t have anywhere to go she ends up scrolling through her Tumblr dashboard. Reblogging every sad quote she reads. A small smile appears on Liz's face, remembering how her 17-year-old self would’ve been doing the exact same thing, laying in bed, scrolling endlessly through the same site, using it as some sort of coping mechanism. Her phone chimes and on top of her screen a new message from Fletcher appears. Liz closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and decides to finally reply.

                                                                                fletchersthoughts liz?? i see you reblogging, i know you read my messages so i KNOW you’re awake.  please just give me some sort of sign of life, please?

queenliz hey fletch im sorry busy night, james didn’t feel good returning from work we fell asleep early

The lies are bad and Liz feels guilty for lying to her closest friend but she just can’t handle talking and thinking about the events of last night. Her phone chimes again, knowing it’s Fletcher, she decides to ignore him once again. Hoping he would get the hint and leave her alone today. A rumbling sound from her tummy interrupts her thoughts, reminding her she hasn't eaten a thing since last night. Liz changes yesterday's clothes for some comfy leggings and a black crewneck sweater. Before leaving to get some breakfast, she washes the mascara stained tears away, grabs her wallet, and leaves the damned apartment. 

Liz makes her way to the local coffee shop, orders a big iced coffee, a freshly baked croissant and strolls back home. Whilst munching down on her breakfast she looks at the city waking up. The events from last night fresh in her brain Liz decides to take the long way home, through the park, trying to clear her brain and understand everything that happened last night.

Halfway home, Liz plumps down on a wooden bench and starts to pick apart the last bit of her croissant, throwing some it at some doves in front of her. The peaceful sounds of the park finally give her time to process the events of last night. Every word, every action that happens plays in slow-motion in her head, it’s like she’s watching a really bad movie but she can’t find the remote to switch the channels. A feeling of guilt and sadness gnaws in her brain when she thinks how badly she treated her best friend. How bad her lies were, how she bluntly ignored the man who has always been there for her. Slowly she takes her phone out of her pocket and opens the last unread message Fletcher send her, saying he doesn’t quite believe her, and she starts writing an apology.

queenliz so... you’re right, i kind of lied to you this morning… we didn’t really fell asleep early last night we had a fight, a horrible one, i might add i think  god fletch, i think we broke up.. 

Liz looks up from her screen, tears forming in her eyes, making her vision blur. She quickly wipes away the tears before they spill over her cheeks. With shaking hands, she continues explaining what happened the night before. As per usual, Fletcher doesn't take longer than a minute to reply. 

                                                                                  fletchersthoughts he did WHAT?! he threw a fucking glass at your head? what the fuck was this guy thinking?? liz... fuck… 

queenliz i’m okay fletch, really don’t worry about me, i didn’t get hurt so it’s fine

                                                                                fletchersthoughts you didn’t get hurt so it’s all fine?! that’s fucking bullshit liz and you know it HOW am i supposed to not worry about you liz? fuck.

Liz huffs annoyed, re-reading the message Fletcher just send her. Her fingers fly over the keyboard when she writes her response.

queenliz please fletcher, don’t be so fucking dramatic i fucking said i was fine, so i am doing fine leave me be and please stop worrying about me, it’s getting on my fucking nerves  idk if you know this, but i can take care of myself.

Liz’s fingers hover above the keyboard, debating whether or not telling Fletcher to leave her alone, to stick his nose into someone else’s business. Her bottom lip rolls back and forth between her teeth, a metallic flavor reminding her she should probably stop nibbling on her lips and make a decision. Her thumb lays on top of the lock button and her other thumb hovering back and forth over the backspace and send button. Her phone buzzes in her hands, letting her know that Fletcher is sorry for being so protective and that he understands Liz might not be ready to talk about things today. A soft smile appears on her lips for the first time in, what feels like ages. Quickly she deletes the message and sends him a brief thank you, before locking her phone and standing up to head home again.

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taglist: @cthofficial​ - @calmlftv​ - @kingcals​ - @spicycal​ - @another-lonely-heart​

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[honeyopinion]

20/20 Albums of the Year

Circles by Mac Miller  |  Hip-Hop, Soul, Funk Released: January 17, 2020

Best Album For... Pouring One Out for Mac

I wrote a few different drafts of this album summary, and none of them felt like they really fit the impossibly large bill of accurately describing the posthumous importance or brilliance of this album. If you are a fan of hip-hop or soul music of any kind, try to give this piece of work a chance. I for one, used to judge Mac based on his early frat rap days in the late 2000s. But a decade later he came to leave the world with one of the most surprising and frankly impressive artistic evolutions that I’ve been able to witness in real time. RIP Mac. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Circles” or “Everybody”

Marigold by Pinegrove  |  Alternative Country and Folk Rock Released: January 17, 2020

Best Album For… Passing Through a Small Town on a Cloudy Winter Day 

Pinegrove was one of the last great concerts I got to experience before the pandemic. And it was my favorite performance of theirs from the last 6 years of seeing them play live. Is this my favorite album of theirs? Honestly, it’s not. But I still find it extremely enjoyable, and the memory of seeing these songs performed live, along with some of their classics, was enough for me to include it on this list. This is an album that marks Pinegrove’s exit from their pop punk roots. It’s still sentimental, but much more country and folk rock focused vs. anything trying to be associated with emo or punk. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora   Start With: “The Alarmist” or “No Drugs”

Watch This Liquid Pour Itself by Okay Kaya  |  Synth Pop, Art Rock, Folk Released: January 24, 2020

Best Album For… Crywanking at 3am, Bathed in The Dull Light of Your Overheating Laptop

What if Feist and Father John Misty had a secret love child? They might sound something like Okay Kaya. Self proclaimed “Singer ~ Crywanker,” Okay Kaya brings serious BDE to weirdo art pop that she seems like she could be a plant  from the mind of Nathan Fielder. Kaya delivers with such deadpan precision as she rolls out line after line of sarcastic joy, staring blankly at our dystopian reality. “Here I am, the whole world is my daddy,” “Netflix and yeast infection,” “Sex with me is mediocre,” “I just want us to do well like Jon Bon Jovi’s Rosê,” and, “My parasite and I are blushing / In the zero interaction ramen bar,” are just a few examples of some of her memorable and biting lyrics. The entire album is both a critique and nihilistic fondness for the absurdity of our lonely technological society, not quite sure how to deal with taboos like repressed female sexuality, depression, and codependency. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Baby Little Tween” or “Asexual Wellbeing”

UNLOCKED by Denzel Curry and Kenny Beats  |  Hip-Hop Released: February 7, 2020

Best Album For... Nodding Your Damn Head To, Feeling Cooler Than You Actually Are

I had to double check that this was an album. Clocking in under 20 minutes, this collection of songs feels more like an EP, especially with the track titles that purposefully look like file names and placeholders. But for a short album, Denzel wastes no time, furiously zigging and zagging effortlessly over Kenny Beats’ 90s New York-indebted production (ad libs and all). Kenny pulls out samples of an array of pop culture references made by Denzel (like quotes from movies and weapon sound effects like a lightsaber) — as he rotates his flow between admirable impressions of DMX, Nas, and Joey Bada$$.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “So.Incredible.pkg” or “DIET_”

Cardboard City by Zack Villere  |  Pop, Electronic, R&B Released: February 14, 2020

Best Album For… Pal-ing Around With Your Friends From High School, Maybe Quoting Superbad At The Same Time

The first time I watched a music video from Zack Villere, I noticed the top comment said: “how did frank ocean get trapped in mark zuckerberg.” And while that definitely gets at the heart of how Zack Villere presents himself, he is not a phenomenal singer like Frank Ocean is, nor does he come off as an asshole like Mark Zuckerberg does. I would say that he is just a slightly awkward nerdy white guy who loves hip-hop production and R&B melodies. So the better question is really, “how did drake get trapped in michael cera?” This premise should not work at all, but somehow it does. This is only Villere’s second album, but he shows some serious production and songwriting chops, plus a commitment to his delivery that comes across as genuine, charming, and unique. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Grateful” or “Superhero Strength”

The Slow Rush by Tame Impala  |  Psych Rock, Synth Pop, Disco Released: February 14, 2020

Best Album For... Throwing a Silent Disco For One 

Tame Impala continues on their now 10 year streak of psych rock dominance. Along the way we’ve seen Kevin Parker master and stretch the boundaries of psychedelic production. This has resulted in his music coming as close to sounding like the best aspects of The Beatles, while also expanding into hip hop drums, R&B hooks, plus more and more electronic elements. This is an album that I was not super impressed with when it initially came out, but as we entered the pandemic and were tasked with finding small joys in staying at home all the time, I found myself going back to this album and appreciating the themes of solitude and self reflection that Parker has drawn from throughout his career.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Posthumous Forgiveness” or “One More Hour”

1988 by Knxwledge  |  Hip-Hop Released: March 27, 2020

Best Album For... Pumping Your Brakes and Driving Slow, Uh *Homie* Although this album is named after a year in the 80s, the sound here is a perfect portal back to 90s golden era hip-hop, with all the gospel, soul samples, and the kind of deep bass you want to feel in your chest. This is the rare, largely instrumental hip-hop album that I find myself going back to, other than works from the legendary J Dilla and MF Doom. Knxwledge is good friends and a frequent collaborator with Anderson .Paak (in the form of NxWorries). Here we get Anderson to grace us with his presence on the track “itkanbe[sonice]”, and of course it sounds just like an authentic vintage soul sample. When I hear this collection of songs it makes me wish I still had a car, so I could inevitably damage my speakers listening to this.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “dont be afraid” or “thats allwekando.”

Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa  |  Pop, R&B, Funk, Disco Released: March 27, 2020 Best Album For... Alarming Your Pet With Your Enthusiastic Lip Syncing

This album is a pure sugar rush. Like Bruno Mars with the help of Mark Ronson, or Calvin Harris a few years ago, Dua has harnessed a nostalgia (it’s even in the title, wink) for disco, funk and R&B, and is instantly a sexy, catchy, not-so-guilty pleasure. It’s sad that the majority of these songs are all bonafide club hits that didn’t have a proper home this year … except for my living room. And hopefully yours.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Pretty Please” or “Future Nostalgia”

Hold Space For Me by Orion Sun  |  Alternative R&B and Hip-Hop Released: March 27, 2020

Best Album For... Wishing Frank Ocean Was Your Dad

“Alternative R&B” is a contentious term, but what else would you call one of a few R&B singers cool enough to make it onto (NYC indie darlings) Mom+Pop Records?? On one hand, she brings the vulnerable and introverted lyrics of an indie singer songwriter like Tracey Chapman, crossed with the raw presence and sweet melodic delivery of a true R&B star like Aaliyah. I’d even go far enough to refer to her as the musical stepchild of Frank Ocean and SZA.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora

Start With: “Ne Me Quitte Pass (Don’t Leave Me)” or “Lightning”

You and Your Friends by Peach Pit  |  Indie Rock and Dream Pop Released: April 3, 2020

Best Album For... Going Back To Your College Town To Crash A Party

Peach Pit seem like they would be cool dudes to hang out with. You have no problem picturing them as the band playing a house show in an indie movie about college kids. And that’s because there’s a familiarity to the scenes that their songs portray, of stumbling through your 20s, either being too dumb or having too much fun to notice. It’s funny to refer to this as “Indie” rock since this is Peach Pit’s major label debut with Columbia Records. But It has all the trappings of Indie; sticky melodies, gentle reverb, an “I’m not trying that hard” vibe, and lyrics that are oddly specific enough to be interesting, but still vague enough to be relatable.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Feelin’ Low (Fuckboy Blues)” or “Shampoo Bottles”

Heaven To a Tortured Mind by Yves Tumor  |  Psych Rock, Indie Pop, Post-Punk, Alternative R&B, Experimental Electronic Released: April 3, 2020

Best Album For... Tearing Up The Fucking Dance Floor With Your Hot Robot Girlfriend

If Tyler the Creator, Alex G, King Krule, and Blood Orange all got into the studio together and dropped a shit ton of acid on Halloween, their recording session might sound something like Heaven To a Tortured Mind… And even then, you still might have trouble putting your finger on exactly what you’re hearing. “Dream Palette” is a good reference track for Tumor’s most wild and mesmerizing qualities. The biggest styles of the past half century of music have been loaded into this gleefully effective genre blender, with blades of dissonance slicing everything up, creating a surrealist sonic smoothie.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Super Stars” or “Dream Palette”

The New Abnormal by The Strokes  |  Indie Rock, Dirtbag Disco, Synth Pop Released: April 10, 2020

Best Album For... Mixing Yourself Another Drink This Saturday Night

Back from the dead, The Strokes return with their first album in 7 years to turn some heads and settle back into some old habits. The charming messy haired garage rock of the early 2000s still pops up here and there, but this is really a record where the group is mature enough to show you that they actually are trying, and are unafraid to take joyous swings for the fences. Julian Casablancas pushes his scratchy alley cat yelp of a voice into something more vulnerable, sunny, and sweet, like he asked for a piña colada (you know, with one of those little umbrellas) instead of a double shot of scotch before hopping up on stage… Or maybe he did both. But these days, everyone is looking for some sort of break from our groundhog day lives any way that we can. Sometimes that sounds like selling out, or depending on how you look at it, stepping up. This album is the result of a group of old friends who got together to make music they simply want to make for themselves. Now far removed from the 2000s New York scene where their younger selves were acting too cool and disaffected to care about having fun.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Eternal Summer” or “The Adults Are Talking”

The Loves of Your Life by Hamilton Leithauser  |  Indie Rock and Alternative Country Released: April 10, 2020

Best Album For... Drinking Down At The Docks, Watching The Sun Set

While I am a fan of The Walkmen, I have no idea what their frontman Hamilton Leithauser looks like or how he dresses. But hearing these songs off of his latest solo, I imagine the following: a member of Mumford and Sons if they were edgy and cooler, giving off a “cowboy rocker meets depression-era dock worker” aesthetic. That’s exactly how his music comes off to me. It’s a convincing blend of blues rock, Americana, and old timey country music. All expertly narrated by dusty country guitars and standup bass, tarnished horns and flutes, and what I imagine to be a restored saloon piano. The Loves of Your Life originally started as a collection of short stories, each about characters based on both people he knew and strangers. Leithauser then wrote the music separately, and finally came to mix and match their parts together in a surprisingly convincing fashion to create the album.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Wack Jack” or “Cross-Sound Ferry (Walk-On Ticket)”

What Kinda Music by Tom Misch and Yussef Dayes  |  Neo-Soul, Electronic, Hip-Hop

Released: April 24, 2020

Best Album For... Cooking For Someone You’re In Love With

Exactly what kind of music do Tom Misch and Yussef Dayes make? It’s orchestral, it’s jazz-infused, it’s hip-hop beats joined with gentle soul. It’s a little sexy, it’s a little mysterious, and you’re going to want to listen to it a whole lot. That’s it. That’s what kind of music it is! Send tweet. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “What Kinda Music” or “Storm Before The Calm”

Petals For Armor by Hayley Williams  |  Electronic Pop and Art Rock Released: May 8, 2020

Best Album For... Browsing Depop for Your Next 80s Normcore ‘Fit

Hayley, Hayley, Hayley. You are too good for this wretched world!! After exploring more adventurous sounds and genre hopping over the last few Paramore records, Hayley decided to go out on her own. This really frees herself from the expectations that come along with being the face and heart of a wildly popular band for the last 15+ years. Thom Yorke fans rejoice, because Hayley Williams has a clear admiration for Radiohead’s haunting indie electronic vibe, while emoting some pain and darkness atop her love for 80s pop and art rock (think Genesis, Devo, The Talking Heads). This is a promising new avenue for Hayley to explore herself and process her pain and desire completely on her own. I see this new project of hers only blooming further from here.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Simmer” or “Sudden Desire” 

Set My Heart On Fire Immediately by Perfume Genius  |  Indie Pop and Art Rock Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Daydreaming That You Were Somewhere Else

For his 5th studio album, Perfume Genius enlists production wizard and guitar god Blake Mills, along with Grammy Award-winning arranger and multi-instrumentalist Rob Moose to create a beautiful swirling mosaic of 80s pastel pop that also packs serious classic rock grandeur. Bass guitar dances between satin smooth lines on one song to churning distorted currents on the next. Sparkling string arrangements and organs bleed together to expose a fading sunset that you’ll want to try and hold in your hands to keep it in sight. Perfume Genius is unafraid to challenge traditional masculinity, packing a 21st century queer machismo into both the quiet moments and jubilant explosions.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Without You” or “Describe”

græ by Moses Sumney  |  Indie Pop, Art Rock, Neo-Soul, Psychic Folk Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Astral Projection 101 

I mean this in the best way possible, but I think that Moses Sumney is a witch. Or maybe a wizard? There’s no other reasonable explanation for the level of creativity and wonder that he summons. This album feels like a private concert by a waterfall (similar to one on the cover), with ethereal pleas, and heavy ideas—like meditating on what lies beyond the constraints of the physical self and reconsidering how well we can actually trust memory and the mind. Sumney layers his voice to create the effect of a ghostly choir, accented by a stark intimidating falsetto that reverberates through the ruins of an abandoned temple where Sumney is the only one in attendance.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Cut Me” or “Polly”

WILL THIS MAKE ME GOOD by Nick Hakim  |  Psychedelic Neo-Soul Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Playing Pool in a Hazy Dive Bar

Nick Hakim is a silky smooth smokey crooner who paints with warbly piano loops, dreamy reverb-heavy guitar, boom bap beats—not to mention a falsetto that would make Smokey Robinson jealous. Clearly a fan of Motown and 60s jazz, Hakim could be considered a peer of Thunder Cat and Anderson .Paak’s to a degree. I remember seeing him perform at Music Hall of Williamsburg a few years ago. The performance ended with him falling down on stage (presumably from being under the influence of multiple substances). But while the song continued he popped back up and belted an impressive high note like it was nothing, drink in hand. And it’s that kind of messy beauty that also makes this album so engrossing. Like watching the eye of the storm get closer and closer, but unable to look away from the sheer magnetism that nature can wield.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  Start With: “All THESE CHANGES” or “ALL THESE INSTRUMENTS”

RTJ4 by Run The Jewels  |  Hip-Hop Released: June 3, 2020

Best Album For... Making Your Next Protest Sign

Run The Jewels’ fourth outing might be the most unapologetically angry rap album in the “fuck this” year of 2020. And it reminded me that I should absolutely still be furious about everything that happened during this groundbreaking yet terrifyingly familiar year: country wide protests over the continued murder of innocent black people at the hands of the police, government drone strikes and detaining kids in cages, the state of our environment worsening—and that’s not even addressing the pandemic or election. Killer Mike and El-P are here to scream from the rooftops that our current system of cutthroat capitalism and white supremacy is killing the planet and its inhabitants, and I’m glad that they’re using their platform to continue to sound the alarm.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “out of sight” or “ooh la la”

Your Hero Is Not Dead by Westerman  |  New Wave Revival and Indie Pop Released: June 5, 2020 Best Album For... Wanting Your Old School MTV

The cover of Westerman’s first proper album is mostly black and white, except for the title, which is scrawled out in lettering which spans the Crayola color spectrum. It’s an album that on the surface is cold and buttoned up, but when these choruses open up, the maximalist 80s power pop bursts like the bulbs of a neon sign. There’s a level of even-keeled cool and confidence in small moments on display here that makes this relatively new artist seem well beyond his years. Having seen him play at Rough Trade a few years ago (opening up for the stellar Puma Blue), the songwriting growth on display on this record is impressive. I’m only sad that there wasn’t an opportunity to have seen him play these new songs live.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Easy Money” or “Confirmation (SSBD)” 

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers  |  Indie Rock and Alternative Country Released: June 18, 2020

Best Album For... Burning Incense and Breaking Out a Ouija Board to Talk to The Ghost of Your Former Self

This is without a doubt, a career defining release for Phoebe. Taking everything she’s learned from writing, performing, and touring with the likes of Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker (in boygenius), and Conor Oberst (in Better Oblivion Community Center), Bridgers levels up to become the truly prolific singer-songwriter she’s been telling us she would always be. Bridgers has explained her personal definition of “a punisher” as a well meaning person who’s, “just talking to you and they don’t realize that your eyes are glazed over and you’re trying to escape.” Vital to understanding this album and its central message is that Phoebe finds herself caught between the contradiction of falling victim to this phenomenon while also doing it herself, especially if she ever met her musical idol, Elliott Smith. Punisher serves as a warning to her audience that if you focus too much on trying to find yourself through other people (via escaping through fandom, drugs, toxic relationships), you’ll always feel lost and dissatisfied, without the proper self awareness to ever quite know why. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Garden Song” or “ICU”

Women In Music Pt. III by HAIM  |  Rock, Pop, Folk, R&B Released: June 26, 2020

Best Album For... Preparing For A Better 2021, lol 

With this album, HAIM skyrocketed to the #1 position of family bands that start with an “H.” Sorry, Hanson! But seriously, HAIM has outdone themselves on this one. If there was one album from this list that I would dub my personal AOTY, this would be it. You might wince at any tracklist longer than 10-12 songs these days (I know I usually do), but almost every song proves itself worthy, pulling at a different thread of my heart until there’s nothing left. Sunshine State Beach Pop? Check. Blues Tinged Dad Rock? Yup! Dive Bar Country? Mmhmm! No, wait, what’s that you say, Glitched-Out R&B? Yes, yes, and yes. You can have it all, sister! ‘Cause when you’re Haim, you’re family! ;) And these three “women in music” continue to prove that they are just about the best Assorted Pop Rocks(™) act in the world right now.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “I’ve Been Down” or “Don’t Wanna”

Lianne La Havas by Lianne La Havas  |  Neo-Soul and Indie Pop Released: July 17, 2020

Best Album For... Sipping Coffee and Journaling on a Weekend Morning

This album exudes a warm vulnerability, like a comforting hug we all needed this year. On her third album, Lianne La Havas makes the risky decision to self title it, a move that artists make when they believe that it is the piece of work that they most want most directly associated with their name. It’s one thing to name your first album after yourself if you can’t think of anything else at the time, but to make a self titled album in the middle of your career, it means that you are sure about having captured who you really are and who you want people to remember you as. “If I love myself, I know I can't be no one else,” La Havas admits on the standout track, “Paper Thin.” She knows that she will meet her destiny and reach self actualization, but only through self love. And finally, I cannot overstate how breathtaking La Havas’s voice comes across on this album. The strength and control on display in her vocal tone and vibrato is quite a spectacle. 

Spotify      Apple Music     YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Paper Thin” or “Sour Flower”

Limbo by Aminé  |  Hip-Hop and R&B Released: August 7, 2020

Best Album For... Trying and Get Over Kanye With

On Limbo, Aminé establishes himself as one of the torchbearers of soul-sampling, lyrics-driven hip-hop that still cares about storytelling, skits, and presenting vocals clearly. Kanye West, Drake, and J. Cole all paved the way for someone from the next generation like Aminé to keep the dream alive and avoid succumbing to the “feel good, don’t think” form of passive listening that mumble rap has made the standard for mainstream hip-hop.

Spotify      Apple Music     YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Pressure In My Palms” or “My Reality”

Shore by Fleet Foxes  |  Folk and Indie Rock Released: September 22, 2020

Best Album For... Running Along The Beach With Your Arms Stretched Out

It was really kind of Robin Pecknold and co. to have released an album this triumphant, calming, and awe-inspiring during the year of our Lorde 2020. On behalf of myself and anyone else who suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, the SAD people of the world really needed this, man. And to anyone who is quick to judge these beard-o’s of being boring, you’re simply not using your ears properly. Yeah, you know those two things on either side of your head? Get the gunk out of them! That way you’ll hear the choir of angels with acoustic guitars who are here to guide us through quarantine and beyond. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Can I Believe You” or “A Long Way Past The Past” 

Listen to all of these albums together in our playlist.

[pcygoldenchild]

Love Me Right: After Care

⛓summary: You’re in your senior year of high school. But you oh so unfortunately had to move away. Which meant you would be spending your last year of high school at a new school. Luckily you’ve done some research on this school and from what you’ve heard, you’d be in for an interesting year.

⛓genres: mentions of sexual themes

↳ After your night with the boys, you wonder how they felt. But they all seemed to care about how you felt and wouldn’t answer anything you wanted to know.

March 11th

You didn’t plan on staying over. You didn’t expect the need to stay over. But it was very very needed. Your exciting night ended around 11:30pm. Luckily, you were free from any obligations this Saturday because you didn’t see yourself doing any of it anyway. After the activities went down, so did they. Everyone, including you, was exhausted. Sehun cleaned you up as best he could trying not to make you writhe everytime he touched your sensitive body. They asked if you wanted to sleep alone or with one of them. And you were smart enough to know that choosing one would start a war so you slept alone. Not that you did much sleeping.

You were starting to feel your muscles aching. Of course being fucked in one position basically tied down would result in some soreness. But you didn’t think to this extent. Your legs shook everytime you moved like they were waiting to give out, even when you were laying down. Your arms had no strength from the constant force of you trying to pull from Chanyeol’s grip on you. Your abs hurt from the constant contracting. And your throat? Sehun did a number. You tried to talk and it sounded barely like your voice. Not to mention your ass and cunt. Let’s just not mention it.

You tossed and turned groaning everytime. The pain was just one reason you couldn’t sleep. The other was the thought that you actually just had a foursome with your best friends. You wondered if they were thinking the same things. You looked at each possible outcome. When you had sex with Chanyeol, he didn’t change much. The only thing that really mattered was not letting the others find out. But even then, they knew. Now you had nothing to hide. They were all there using your body.

And another thought came to your mind at 3am. They were amazing. They used you in a way that made you feel like you belonged to them. They didn’t care that all three of them were having their way with you. They dug deep into your holes as if you were made just for them and no one else.

Sehun was always gentle to you when he would touch you. He was always your sweet Mr. Oh. But last night, he used your mouth like he’s been dreaming of doing so. It’s like he’s masturbated for so long to the thought of you and put all those lonely nights into this one night, into your throat.

Chanyeol was no gentle man. Even in the literal sense, he’d break your limb just laughing next to you. Multiply that by 10 when he was underneath you fucking your asshole. His hand prints were on your wrists until 2am. You could hear his voice still whispering sweet nothings about how good you felt. How you were his little toy. How you loved the feeling of him. How you could never say fucking him was a mistake. It drove you insane because he was right about all of it. You took him so well and he made your small body even smaller as you laid on him while he pushed inside you.

Baekhyun was gentle, so you thought. But you knew he wasn’t anymore. He was still your funny ball of jokes and noises but now he had a different side. You learned that the idea of a foursome was his. That he asked them about it to see what they’d say. And it made your legs clench. The thought of them discussing using you like that. It would probably make anyone else disgusted or degraded. But it made you want them. You wondered what Baekhyun said to himself whenever he looked at you. Because now you knew, they were mostly about what he’d do to you. You had a pretty vanilla night with him despite being fucked in all your holes. You knew he had more than that to offer, he said it himself. He would do things 10 times filthier to you if he had you alone. When he had you alone. Because you would let him.

The thoughts plagued the mind until 4am when sleep finally took over. Sleep was short and sweet. Your dreams? Of taking control of them the way they did you. You’d like to see that be a reality.

You woke up around 9am when you felt the bed dip on either side of you. And then a body comes to lay between your legs, head on your bare chest. You opened your eyes to your three heart-eyed boys staring at their princess.

“Morning baby.” Chanyeol said on your left.

“Morning princess.” Baekhyun said on your right.

“Morning Mrs. Oh.” Sehun said on your chest.

It was like a movie. You couldn’t help but smile, your face turning bright red as your hands went to cover it. Here you were being overly praised by three insanely gorgeous men. All in nothing but underwear not doing much to hide their morning wood. How did you even get this lucky this early in life?

“She’s blushing.” Chanyeol said prying your hands from your face. Your eyes were shut tight as your smile widened. You were too cheery to even hide your emotions. They all laughed.

“What’s got you all happy? It wouldn’t be us, would it?” Baekhyun asked. You could hear the amusement in his perfect morning voice. You opened your eyes finally and looked at them all. All with bed hair and puffy eyes but still perfect faces. You nodded and bit your smiling lip. They smiled back at you.

“And why is that?” Sehun said also amused as he pushed himself up a bit more to be closer to your face. You grabbed his puffy cheeks and leaned forward to kiss him quick. He hummed; the sound was one of your favorites. Chanyeol and Baekhyun both cleared their throats. Of course you’d have to give them some love too. You turned to each of them and did the same sweet kiss.

“Imagine if we got to wake up everyday like this.” Baekhyun said pushing your messy hair out of your face. Imagine that.

“A kiss from her everyday? I’d never get used to it.” Chanyeol said kissing your neck.

“So, why are you all happy because of us?” Sehun repeated. You tried to talk but your voice was hoarse. The sleep only making it worst instead of better.

“Sehun how far did you go? She’s barely got a voice?” Baekhyun said plucking the youngers head.

“You saw how far I went. She took all of me in. No surprise she doesn’t have a voice.” he said smirking at you. You don’t know why but that made you blush even more. You pleased him well.

“Are you sore? God you’re probably so sore and thirsty. We should get you comfortable.” Chanyeol said pushing Sehun off your body that you didn’t even realize was indeed very sore. They all got up and started getting things. Baekhyun grabbed a shirt that you were unsure of between the three who’s it was. He helped you put it on before Chanyeol picked you up and carried you bridal style to the kitchen. Sehun began getting you a glass of water while Baekhyun pulled some food out for you. All of them moving around like they were your maids. Imagine that. 3 tall gorgeous men, catering to you.

“Guys.” you said as hoarse and small as possible, that’s all you could manage to do. But they heard you, all turning to you in an instant.

“What’s wrong?” Sehun asked, very concerned you thought it was quiet cute. You shook your head and gave them a reassuring smile. They came to you sitting at the kitchen island where Sehun placed your water and Baekhyun placed your fruit.

“You should save your voice. You sound terrible.” Chanyeol said. You just glared at him before laughing at the way his ears poked out under his crazy hair.

“I have a question.” you whispered looking down at your fruit. They got silent but before you could say what you wanted to ask, Baekhyun did it for you.

“You want to know what we’re thinking.” he said coming to sit next to you.

“You want to know if you were good. Or if we feel any different towards you. Or maybe what we feel in general.” Sehun said.

“So let’s tell her.” Chanyeol said.

“I’ll start by saying that we feel no less for you if that’s what you’re worried about. In fact we feel closer to you. Not because we got to....do that. But because you trusted us enough to let us have you in that type of way. It was something you really have to be 100% about.” Baekhyun said as he came to sit across from you. And you couldn’t agree more. It was something that scared you at first. Trusting them to see you so vulnerable and begging for them at the same time.

“And the concern about if you were good? Moe, that’s not a question. I can speak for all of us when I say we have never felt how we did last night. Yes it was our first time being altogether with a woman, which was an experience to say the least. But it’s not only about the sex. You are important to us. We wanted to please you in every way possible. That’s just how our hearts are set on you. And I don’t think I have even been so happy to see someone cum in my life.” Sehun said. It made you laugh. The conversation itself was bizarre. The meaning was what made it serious.

“And we love you. We always have. You came into our lives rather unexpectedly and we felt drawn to you. All of us do, even the rest of the team. But you somehow ended up with us. And I wouldn’t have it any other way, except maybe without these two. We may not be in a traditional relationship. But this is one I won’t ever forget. I won’t ever forget you. I won’t forget your smile or the way you stare. And now I won’t ever forget the sound of you being fucked by all of us.” Chanyeol smiled. It wasn’t a bad thing being in a relationship with all of them. To the outside view, you were just their best friend. They were close and touchy at school but that’s just who they were. Only you four knew what really went down behind closed doors. Only you four knew how you felt about each other. You thought it was selfish. To have all of them to yourself. But they didn’t seem to see it that way. How is it selfish when they all want you too?

“What do you see us doing in the future?” you asked suddenly. The question was a lot more lighthearted in your head but it could mean many things without context.

“We’ve got lots of things planned. In fact once you’re all healed and relaxed we have another proposal for you.” Baekhyun said not giving you a chance to explain what you meant. Of course he took it as ‘how else are they going to fuck you in the future’. But you meant in the farther future. Like when you graduated and went to college.

“I meant college Baekhyun. You’re already so excited to fuck me again. I need at least 3 days.” you laughed.

“Ahh I knew that. Just giving you a warning thats all.” he said sheepishly.

“Well we are all going to the same college. Nothing will change from my point of view.” Sehun said.

You were all going to the same college. It was a prestigious campus and one that you paid a lot for tuition in. But it was were all your parents went and what’s a legacy if you didn’t go.

“Besides, I think I’m going to buy a condo and have you stay there with me.” Chanyeol said. And then the bickering started.

“What makes you think she’s staying with you?” Sehun said.

“Because she’s not staying in your dorm Sehun.” Yeol replied back coming to stand behind you with his hands on your sides.

“You’re both wrong. She’s staying with me at my parents penthouse. They’re letting me stay there since they don’t use it. And she’ll be with me.” Baekhyun said taking fruit from your bowl.

“Yea because she wants to listen to you make noises in your sleep.” Sehun laughed. You actually did like his sleep noises.

“Well she hates that dog of yours. She’s rather hear me sleep than be attacked by Vivi.” Baekhyun snickered back.

“Baekhyun just plans on using his dark book to seduce her. I for one don’t need to do that. We’ve been over this. She’s got a thing for me shirtless.” Chanyeol said and you just couldn’t stop laughing at their replies.

They went on and on about why you’d be happier staying with who and where. And it was amusing. They didn’t once stop and think, maybe she’s got her own plans. You’d have to deal with these three for the next four years, maybe even more.

[sapphireharrie]

wasnt one last kiss enough?

the one where harry doesn’t feel the same

Y/n is doomed,

super doomed,

and by doomed, she meant a total catastrophe, the end of the fucking world, doom. Of course, her timing is never perfect, when in the world is her timing ever perfect? Considering the time that she is certain that she is in love with someone the universe laughed in front of her face, the universe hates her guts so much that she has to confessed to her roommate after 3 years of living together, that she is in love with her best friend, and it drives her crazy. It was Saturday night, she was re-watching her favourite TV show, Friends, when her best friend, Harry, texted her,

I’m proposing next month. Ring is ready, photographer is ready, all is well-planned, I just need you to be there for me so I don’t look like a fool.

She was confused, thinking has Harry been drinking again? Of course not, Harry is not the drinking-until-drunk-and-out-of-control type of guy, and she knows that by heart because that is one of the many reasons she fell for Harry. Pathetic? Really. Falling in love with her own best friend that already has a girlfriend, not to mention, a really pretty, supermodel type of girlfriend that almost every man dreamt of being with.

She panicked, how can she not? The man she fell in love with for 7 years is proposing to someone and asked for her help and she couldn’t say no, hell, Harry could ask her to jump off a cliff for him and she would say yes in a heartbeat without thinking, so she texted him back,

Of course, big guy.

She regretted it immediately the second she hit the send button. Ten minutes later she decided to call her roommate to come home immediately because of emergency, her exact words were, “I made a big mistake, a fucking big mistake, this is not a drill, this is an emergency, this is my life we’re talking about!”

Being the bestest roommate that she is, Caroline, rushed to their apartment thinking the worst thing possible just happened to her one and only roommate, with her phone in her hand, ready to call 911.

“What happened? What happened?” Caroline rushed through the door, limping, because she hit herself on the knee with the vanity by the door.

“Harry asked my help to propose his girlfriend.” Y/n said, biting her nails, because for the love of Zeus, she’s nervous.

“So? Help him, I mean, you never said anything bad about– who’s his girlfriend again?”

“Rosie.”

“Yeah, Rosie. You said to me that she’s perfect for him, right? Oh my god, I came all the way from the pub for this?” Caroline asked, throwing herself to the sofa, and contemplating to just kill her roommate for what she puts her through.

“Uh, well, yeah, but Care–”

“Oh, my fucking God, you’re fucking in love with him, aren’t you?” Caroline stand up immediately, dropping her phone to the floor, Y/n secretly hope that her phone is alright, because if it is not, well, let’s just say she will have to spend a couple hundred dollars for that.

“I, well–”

“I fucking knew it, you’ve been in love with him this whole time! That’s why you always rejected every guy that I’m about to introduce you to before even meeting them, saying that you don’t have time for boyfriends, ugh, I knew it was all bullshit, how can you never say anything to me?” Caroline yelled, throwing her hands around to show her that she really is mad, that she is beyond mad, she is in fact, furious.

“I couldn’t, okay? I didn’t know I was really falling in love with him, I thought it was just a silly crush that will go away later, okay? I didn’t realize that it has been years and I still had this silly crush over him,” she huffed, just realizing how stupid she is, because for God’s sake, it has been 7 years,

“Years? For how long? How many years have you been keeping this secret from him?”

“Seven,” she mumbled because she was humiliated with herself,

“Can’t hear you!”

“Seven years, okay! I’ve been in love with him for seven years!” Y/n finally yelled, getting irritated because of course Caroline will never shut up about this for the rest of her life.

“Oh my god, you’re an idiot. You have the highest GPA in this university but you’re a fucking idiot. Call him, call him right now!” Caroline said, she was in the verge of crying, she doesn’t even know why this hurts her so much, she was imagining what it must felt like for her best friend keeping her feeling for years. That’s Caroline for you, the best person that everyone can think of.

“And say what? What do you want me to say? ‘Hello H, it’s me, I got your text, congratulation with your soon to be proposal, oh by the way, I’ve been in love with you for seven fucking years!’ That’s what you want me to say? That I’m in love with him a month before his proposal, being the best friend that I am?” Y/n yelled, crying her heart out to the only person that she knows will understand her,

“I’ve known you my whole life, we’ve been roommates for three years, and never in my life did I think of you as a coward. Talk to him before it’s too late, because I won’t let you be someone that regret not doing everything that she can do for something she wholeheartedly loves. I won’t let you be that person.”

***

Y/n doesn’t know the exact time she fell in love with Harry. Maybe it was when he stood up for her in high school when his girlfriend called her a whore for hanging out at Harry’s place all the time. Maybe it was when Harry was willing to be her prom date when her date bailed on her. Or maybe it was when no matter where Harry is whether he is half a world away or just steps away from her, she is still the first person that he called whenever there’s good news or even just when he got his favourite limited-edition candle and he is really happy about it. Maybe it was when Harry keeps all of her skin-care in his guest bathroom just in case she wanted to stay over and doesn’t bring any. She watched a movie in Netflix once that said something along, ‘you like someone because, and you love someone despite.’ She loves Harry despite his lack of filter whenever he’s around her, she loves Harry despite his lifestyles that are very different with her, she loves Harry despite his love for blue cheese, she hates blue cheese more than anything. She loves Harry despite his annoying behaviour whenever she had masks on and that he’ll do anything and everything to make her laugh and ruin her mask. She likes Harry because, and she loves Harry despite.

***

So, there she is, in Harry’s living room, two weeks before his proposal to his girlfriend, contemplating on whether she should tell him she loves him or just get on with her life without him ever knowing her feelings to him. If she chooses the latter, then she would be a coward, and she doesn’t want to be a coward, and her tiny little space in her heart is hoping that maybe, just maybe, there’s a slight chance for her and Harry, and that maybe if she tells him that she loves him, Harry would pick her, maybe.

“Lovie, what do you want to watch?” Harry asked, sitting comfortably beside her, throwing his left hand behind her, almost cuddling her,

“Whatever, I’m fine.” She answered, half-heartedly because to be honest, she didn’t come to Harry’s apartment at 11pm to watch movies together or binge-watch any shows.

“Friends it is then, is that okay?” Harry asked, well, it was actually a rhetorical question because they watch Friends all the time. Harry grabbed his phone, busy texting someone rather than watching the shows with his best friend.

“H, I need to talk to you.” She blurted it out of the blue, fidgeting her fingers, one of her annoying habits that harry picked up years ago,

“Ok, a second.” Harry said without lifting his head up from his phone, still typing a long-ass paragraph with his right hand, “M’kay, what is it?” He finally locked his phone and finally put his phone down.

“There’s something that I need to tell you. I don’t know how to say this, because I’ve been keeping it for years from you, and I don’t want you change your mind about anything after I say it to you, and know that it takes everything in me to say this to you.” She said, running out of breath.

“Ok, you’re scaring me now, Lovie. Is Rosie cheating on me?” Harry asked, shifting his position so he is facing her,

“No, no! What? No, it’s about me. Well I don’t know how to say it!” She yelled again, taking her hands to cover her face up, she’s frustrated.

“You? What’s wrong, Lovie? Just, blurt it out. I promise I will listen to you, like always, ok?” Harry said, crossing his hands to his heart,

“Well, you promised. Ok so here goes nothing,” this time it was her turn to shift, facing Harry, “I’m in love with you. I don’t know when and I don’t know how, what I know is I’ve been keeping this feeling from you for 7 years and it fucking hurts me every time you go out with someone else. At first, I thought it was just some silly crush that will go away, but it doesn’t and it hurts. I didn’t want to tell you at first, because I don’t want to lose our friendship, I’m okay with keeping my feelings from you as long as I still have you as my best friend; someone that talks to me at 3am when I am drinking my ass off, someone to call home. But, hearing the news that you’re going to propose to someone else today made me realise that you never see me that way and whether I tell you I’m in love with you or not, I’m still going to lose you. You won’t call me at 4am anymore just because you’re lonely, because now you will have someone else beside you, and it pains me knowing that it won’t be me. I don’t know why I decided to tell you now but I thought if I didn’t, I’m never going to tell you. So, that’s all I wanted to say to you. This is me pouring all of my heart to you.” She finally said it, she managed not to cry while pouring all of her feelings to him, but she won’t lie, she’s a second away from blinking her tears from her eyes.

Harry froze. Not knowing what to say because, how the hell do you face your best friend who is confessing her love to you? Harry froze because he doesn’t know how to react. There she is, his best friend, his very own best friend, crying in front of him, pouring all of her heart out, saying that she’s in love with him, and he doesn’t feel the same. Harry does not feel the same. And for the love of god, does Harry know that she’s in love with him this whole time because he is not a goddamn idiot.

“I know.” Is all that Harry managed to say. I know, the only two words that came out of Harry’s mouth.

“What?”

“I know. I know that you’ve been in love with me for years. Do you think I wouldn’t realise why you haven’t been with someone for the last–what? 4 years? 5 years?” He finally broke the silence once again, “Saying that you don’t want to be in a relationship, that men don’t impress you anymore, that you feel icky talking about love yet all that you watch is romcom all the time. You expect me to believe all that bullshit, yet every time I’m gushing about my vacation and date with Rosie your mood suddenly changes? Yet every time I’m with Rosie you had to walk away because you can’t stand seeing me with someone else? Making my love feels like my best friend hated her? I know you’ve been in love with me this whole time.” This time it was finally Harry’s time to poured all of his secret that he’s been keeping.

Harry noticed the changes in Y/n face when he called Rosie his love; how the fountain in her eyes decided to fall with no intention to stop. He wishes more than anything that he could have told her that her pain is also hurting him. But, how could he? It will only add another sadness in her, what’s worse is maybe it will add another hope in her. He read somewhere that how someone react to one’s sadness says a lot about their feeling to them, so he chose not to.

“Why didn’t you tell me you knew?” she asked, breathlessly, not wanting to know the answer of that question.

“The same reason you didn’t. Lovie, you have to understand that I don’t feel the same. I don’t want to hurt you, I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want it to be true.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Call you what? Lovie? I call you that all the time, it doesn’t mean anything. Just a silly pet name.” He said, and Harry cursed himself because how does everything that comes from his mouth sound so mean now, he was just telling the truth. But he knows that she doesn’t think it was just a silly name, because a silly name would be baby, love, or even honey but not Lovie. He made Lovie specifically for her, everyone knows Lovie is Y/n.

“What do you want me to do, Y/n?” he asked, helplessly, because God knows he really don’t know what to do.

“I don’t know what I want. You want me to be honest? I want you. I want you to be the love of my life. I want you to love me more than you love her. What I want in the world more than anything is for you to love me back. God, H, this me begging to you. You know that I don’t beg. This is me breaking all of my walls to you. Because to be fair, I’d do anything for you, and you know that.” She’s frustrated now, this is not her at all, everyone knows how Y/n is. She never asks, even Harry feels like he’s looking at someone he doesn’t know at all. “Don’t. Don’t ask me that, it is hard enough for me watching you fall for me like that. Don’t ask me to love you back, you know more than anyone that I could never love you like that.” But then whatever comes after that was something she never expect, Harry kissed her. They have kissed before; several drunken kisses, some please-get-better kisses, some playful kisses, but this one is different, this feels more like a goodbye kiss.

“Please know that it takes everything in me to ask you this, that I never imagined our friendship to come to this, that I never imagined these words coming out from my mouth ever.” He sighed,  

“Please never see me again, at least until you know that you don’t have any more feelings for me. Please don’t ever wait for me, I’m not worth your time.” He stopped for a second,

“All I want in the world right now, is to see you walking out my life.” He finally said it, and God does it hurts so bad, he feels like a douche-bag right now, because he was supposed to be there for his best friend, right? He was supposed to be the only person who would never hurt her. But instead, he asked her to leave. Who does that to their own best friend?

“I want you to watch me leave, then. I want you to remember this exact feeling when you let me go. I want you to remember the feeling when you let your best friend go and how you are the person that broke me, when you promised me years ago that you would be the one person who will never hurt me.” She then proceeds to walk out of his door, out of his life. God knows that he will remember that feeling; watching his best friend for seven years leaving him alone and there’s nothing that he can do to stop her because to be fair, he asked her.

***

It was 3am, 3 months after Harry’s proposal to his soon to be wife and a month before their wedding. She doesn’t want to know, but Caroline got the news, and she literally begged her to tell her everything. She even made Caroline spill their wedding theme, which is a celestial with star-infused wedding invites. Caroline made sure Harry didn’t invite Y/n even though he still gave Caroline her invitation and that it was all up to Y/n whether she wanted to come or not. She broke down when Caroline gave her the invitation. The words, ‘the sky is the limit’ is written beautifully on the invitation. They got a constellation-inspired wedding theme. Constellation was both Y/n and Harry’s favourite thing in the world, they can memorise every constellation possible together, and star-gazing was their favourite thing to do, they both are so in love with the universe, how ironic since the universe is literally against her. 

Caroline asked her to go out with her that night, to drink all of her sorrows, and who is she to deny that? But little did she knows that, that decision leads her to her half-sober self, calling Harry at 3am, she had his number blocked before, god knows why she unblocked it now. But it went straight to voicemail, of course he’s not going to pick up, he’s probably asleep in his fiancée’s arms. But then, 5 minutes later she received a text,

Why did you call?

and the second after,

Wasn’t one last kiss enough?

[jonwongton]

KCON NY 2019 Recap

Wow I was actually in New York for four days and four nights. When I first saw the fromis_9 KCON NY announcement I knew there was no way I wasn't going to go. It looks like they made some great memories in NY/LA and I wanted a part of the fun too. Plus I wanted to avoid some of the regret I had last year in that I didn't go to KCON LA 2018. I already got super invested in them through June/July but I don't think I was emotionally ready/mature enough to go on a solo trip like this by myself.

Friday, July 5th

So to start out my trip, my flight to Newark was delayed for four hours. At least at the airport, I met the most beautiful family and got to play with their kids for a couple hours. The kids went boy girl boy where the youngest boy was causing trouble (literally me since I’m the third child), and the girl had no concept of stranger danger so she told me a wide assortment of TMIs about her family. The lady sitting next to me (Annie!) on the flight was also the sweetest soul imaginable, so we chatted for a couple hours before both watching Crazy Rich Asians (I admittedly cried at the ending).

I arrived after 9pm (no chance for early check-in or Klub KCON though I didn't want to dance with 16 year olds anyways), and I get anxious af when I'm in a foreign place without knowing exactly where I'm going, so I mass googled/kept asking for strangers for help to get to Manhattan. After I got settled into my hotel, Maya met me outside we went to Times Square! I'm so glad she came out and saw me that night because 1) I haven't seen her since summer of maybe 2016? so I missed her a ton 2) I literally had no idea how the NY subway worked before she told me 3) I wanted to go Times Square at night and 4) I wouldn't have wanted to go alone. We caught up on literally everything and I went to bed pretty late considering I wanted to check-in early to sell my A1 artist engagement pack.

and our “first date” pose because we were standing so damn far from each other:

Saturday, July 6th

I got up at 6am EDT (so 3am PDT aka rip), and rushed over to the Javits Convention Center to get in line. I brought like literally nothing because I was afraid you couldn't bring food in or they'd throw away my hydroflask. As it turns it, the staff didn't care at all, and there was hardly any line. After checking in, I got my A1 artist engagement pack ($150) which had an AB6IX high touch, a TXT audience pass, and an SF9 audience pass. 

I almost panicked because I didn't know how popular AB6IX was, and if I had gotten ATEEZ/TXT I literally would have made at least a $100 net profit. I sat in line with some new people before I summoned enough courage to go into the artist engagement mob. Almost immediately, a girl ran up to me and asked me if I wanted to sell my hi-touch. I wanted to gauge the "market price" a bit more because I was still early af, but since I was still kinda panicking, I sold it to her for $100 and her SF9 audience pass. I looked around and that's when I figured out all the girls were trying to trade their hi-touches for the groups they wanted and all the guys were trying to buy their IZ ONE/(G)-IDLE hi-touches (the only two girl groups doing an artist engagement since Everglow couldn't attend and fromis_9 wasn't doing one). For the eight groups there, I'm pretty sure the market price went something alone the lines of

ATEEZ >>>>>>>> TXT = IZ ONE >> (G)-IDLE = The Boyz >>> SF9 = AB6IX >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> VeriVery

where the ">" shows the relative difference between each group. I thought TXT would be up with ATEEZ but I was clearly wrong. That's why I was pretty happy to get the AB6IX hi-touch off my hands. VeriVery hi-touches were being sold for $20 and people were throwing away their audience passes. I heard someone bought an ATEEZ hi-touch for $550 lmao.

I sold my AB6IX hi-touch, sat back in line with my new friends, and traded my TXT audience pass for an ATEEZ audience pass based on my sense of how popular each group was. I made another lap around the mob and a girl bought my ATEEZ audience pass almost instantly for $40. I made another lap maybe ten minutes later and sold one of my SF9 audience passes for $30 (I'm pretty sure I ripped her off on this one really hard but oh well). I couldn't find a buyer for my other SF9 audience pass so I decided to hold onto it until tomorrow since that's when their artist engagement would be. At this point, I was already +$20 in profit and I still had an audience pass leftover.

All the trading chaos settled at around 8:45am, but the convention didn't start until 11am. I just talked with some 16/17 year olds that were ridiculously into ATEEZ and other boy groups (surprisingly not NUEST or Seventeen).

I was one of the first into the convention and I made a full lap to scout around before picking something to do. The Toyota booth snatched me first and when I told them I was legit gonna get a 2020 Camry they were !!! and made me play their game. You had to search the Corolla for four QR codes, and take selfies with the filter that's prompted after scanning it in 90 seconds. The iPad they gave me glitched the fuck out so I only got three done. They gave me a "The Boyz Meet and Greet" pass which would allow me to go to the front of the line when they made a "surprise visit" at the Toyota booth. I was being a nice guy and told some The Boyz fan about it nearby, so the girl did it, succeeded, and won a fucking IZ ONE hi-touch >.> (people were selling that for $150 minimum...) so yes I'm salty as hell.

At the official merchandise line, if you bought more than $100 of stuff, they'd give you a special merchandise voucher. If you took that voucher to the KCON Star Square, played the game they had every hour and won, you'd get a chance to meet a "surprise artist". There were some official fromis_9 slogan towels for sale for $25, but I decided not to buy it right then and there in case they wanted one big purchase totaling $100. But my dumbass was wrong and the slogan towels sold out 30 minutes later and to this day I still don't have one (they're beautiful). I was also too slow to pre-order it when I bought my convention pass because they closed the presale.

I did some social media sellout booths, wrote some fromis_9 support on the "message to your idols" board, and realized there was nothing to do after that.

I just stood at the Toyota booth where they'd play an entire song and anyone that knew the dance would go up and do it (note they played the ENTIRE song and not just the chorus so for songs that weren't super popular, the stage was empty for a solid two minutes each time). I was only there for maybe 20 minutes, but they played Love Bomb and to my surprise, 4 Walls (which I haven't heard in ages).

I walked around aimlessly for another hour before I realized I hadn't eaten anything for the whole day. I got some really overpriced convention food and sat with some girls I met in line because I was pretty lonely at that point. They were from Chicago and were also there just for ATEEZ. We talked for a bit before they went to line up at MSG for the concert, so I walked around aimlessly for another 45 minutes before I went to one of the panels.

The panel was "The difference between American and KPOP" and Andreas Oberg (wrote Young and Free by Xiumin and Mark, one of my favorite station tracks) and David Amber (wrote Love Bomb, Heart Shaker, Yes or Yes, and Love Bug) were there! The third guy on the panel was pretty annoying, but I'm super interested in how these guys come up with these songs and they shed a ton of insight about it. 

They talked about how most successful kpop songs now are actually a combination of multiple melodies put together, which supposedly make the song more interesting. For their particular styles, they try not to repeat the melody between choruses because that would bore the listener and try to have super catchy parts of the song or even the chorus start the track. Something else I found out which was super interesting is how they tailored certain songs for certain companies and groups. Andreas said SM gave him a ton of freedom, but when JYP asked for a song from David, he needed to make the verses long enough for each member to sing (aka Twice needs more lines since there are nine members) and add in rapping parts if the group had a rapper. They had a Q&A section at the end where two people kinda pissed me off since they went up to the mic and made shameless plugs saying how much they adored Andreas/David and were aspiring song writers like them. I actually summoned the courage myself and asked the panel a few questions:

Do you have a good sense of whether a song you wrote will become super popular?

How do you feel about songs that you are very proud of writing that don't become popular, maybe because it was given to a group that isn't that popular?

Do you think composers deserve more credit for making groups popular? The example I used is Blackpink is SUPER popular but their entire soud is almost exclusively produced by Teddy, which almost no one knows about.

I thought they gave me really insightful responses too:

A little bit, but once the song is produced, it's in the hands of the company to promote it with the artist and the choreography.

They're sometimes really sad about songs they create that don't make it big, and Andreas told me he was very fond of Young & Free

David said it's fine the way it is now. The example he used is with movies where the actors/actresses will get all the credit + make the movie famous, but a huge part of the production of the movie is because of the director, who rarely gets any attention.

I walked around aimlessly for another thirty minutes before standing at the KCON Dance Studio to watch the random play dance. I always saw the youtube videos of them so I wanted to see it in person myself. It turns out there was a cluster fuck of people there and we kept getting pushed back so far I couldn't see anything. Two guys in line next to me had Fun Factory albums and fromis_9 posters, so I decided to strike up a conversation with them. It turns out they were also huge flovers AND buddies, so we ditched the random play dance and talked for half an hour about our overall love for kpop. They were also New York locals, and they said they would take me under their wing for the rest of the weekend T_T. We met up with one of the guy's aunts and head to ktown since it was within walking distance, the convention closed at 6, and they wanted something to eat before the concert started at 8.

I took the 순두부 짬뽕 I ordered back to my hotel and ate it while watching the live stream since I only bought a Sunday ticket. On the way back, I also stopped by a store called Koryo Bookstore which sold kpop stuff. I couldn't find any GFriend/fromis_9 stuff I wanted, so I bought a Harry potter book in Korean to practice before going back. The concert livestream was okay, and it felt even shorter because IZ ONE got an extra stage, which I presume was supposed to fill in for Everglow. I lost my shit when NUEST performed Love Paint and Look though because those songs changed my life summer 2016 (they almost made me wish I went). I was still kinda disappointed in them because they had a ton of fans, but they gave off the vibe they only came to NY just to do the concert and leave. I tried sleeping early but as I crawled into bed, I got a fromis_9 vlive notification and I kinda had to watch it in case they spoiled the activities of tomorrow. I saw on twitter they actually arrived on SATURDAY and just toured New York, so obviously there was no way they could be at Saturday's convention. I spammed in chat if they'd have a pinky promise event for maybe 15 minutes but they never saw the comment. I didn't hear any spoilers so I just went to bed tired af since I got like no sleep in the past two days.

Sunday, July 7th

I woke up pretty late on Sunday and bought an expensive ass fancy bagel before getting to the convention center, though I could hardly eat it since I have literally zero appetite when I’m in a foreign place.

I bought the official fromis_9 jersey to match my two buddies just so everyone would know we were flovers at first sight. I also finally took out my Saerom sign and carried it around the convention center. We watched the Sunday opening ceremony and met up with a third guy (a Wiz One) while we waited for the fromis_9 fanclub meeting at 1:30.

I also found a lady willing to buy my SF9 audience pass for $15, which is ridiculous because I saw people giving it away for free at this point.

The fanclub meeting was really interesting. I instantly locked eyes with a girl that had a Saerom sign and we took a few pictures.

We played bingo with a lot of the squares consisting of fromis_9 memes, and two kahoot games where we had to guess which member it was (the pictures were ridiculous) and name the song after only hearing 1 second of it. At the very end, we did the Love Bomb and Fun! fanchants, but it was nearly impossible doing them without already knowing them if you could read romanized hanguel fast enough. I still screamed my heart out though (seriously).

There was nothing interesting left on the schedule, so we walked around before deciding to go to the (G)-IDLE fanclub meeting as well. I missed most of it because I met up with the girl that printed the banners, but there was a really entertaining random play dance at the end. On the way to get the banners, I met the girl that had the Saerom sign during the fromis_9 fan meeting, so we chatted a bit and exchanged numbers (she was here just for fromis_9 and she came from SWEDEN, so I thought we could bond over that). We closed out the day by going to the "2019 Year of Girl Groups" panel. 

The panel was really boring, one of the members kept swearing, and they just talked about which girl groups they thought were the most influential in the kpop scene. Personally, I thought the SNSD/f(x) answers were meaningful since Gee shook the world and f(x)'s weird sound + Amber broke down a lot of stereotypes at the time, but some of the Twice answers in the group were a huge stretch. Two fans kept talking about how much Twice meant to them and while that's great and all, I think the rest of the audience felt the same way as I did. At the end, they forgot to give away their prizes, so they basically asked us to walk up and convince the audience why we should get the prize. I walked up and told them I was disappointed I came all the way from California just to see fromis_9 but still didn’t get the chance to. That won me this:

It was like 5:30pm after the panel ended, so we (five of us total) went to ktown to get chicken and hype ourselves up for the concert. They were playing Chung Ha and so many other not as popular girl groups (Weki Meki, Gugudan, Cherry Bullet) that we ended up talking about that for the entire time.

We all split up after we got to Madison Square Garden (I had P1, the group of three had P2, one guy had P3) and had maybe five minutes before the concert started because we showed up so late. 

We were all super sad that they started with fromis_9 instead of one of the other boy groups, but I fanchanted and danced my heart out during all the songs.

The people in my section were huge mood killers though. I was sitting in the Chase preferred section, so I feel like the people in that section either a) had their parents use their credit card to buy their tickets or b) got the tickets handed out at some event and weren't even invested in kpop. The two girls to my life were there for seventeen and got on their feet at the end, but the two girls to the right of me sat down and were on their phones for the whole concert.

I got so lucky during the concert. VeriVery covered 24K magic, AB6IX covered Attention, and SF9 covered Love Shot, all songs which I know and love. And a word about Seventeen's stage. I was clearly at KCON for fromis_9, but I also LOVE Seventeen. I didn't pay much attention to their most recent comeback home though since it was a much slower song. However, EVERY SEVENTEEN SONG THEY PERFORMED I ACTUALLY KNEW. They started with 숨이차 which I knew but was indifferent to, but then we got Good To Me, Adore U, AND 아주 Nice. The stadium was freaking shaking during 아주 Nice and when they came back for the surprise encore I think the entire crowd and I died.

I met up with my friends after outside the venue, but three of them had to leave because they had work the next day (locals). I was ready to go back to my hotel content with the concert but disappointed overall, but Sweden girl texted me and told me to meet up with all the other flovers we were with. I met the moderators of the fan club meeting and like ten people that were huge fans and traveled as far as I did here for fromis_9. None of us were tired so we went to ktown to hang out. We talked for two hours over girl groups, fromis_9, guessing each other's biases, and learning our own backstories + age. Like where were these people during the actual convention. Apparently they all knew each other, but because I don't have a twitter, instagram, or am on discord, I was the reason I couldn't be found. I invited Sweden girl to do touristy crap with me on Monday/Tuesday because our flights on Tuesday were at like the same time, but one of the guys there tipped us off for the fromis_9 flash mob happening tomorrow at Washington Square Park at 2:30pm. I personally didn't give a shit about touristy stuff and I only felt obligated to do it because I was in New York, but I clearly only came this far for kpop. We decided to meet up for lunch at like 11am and we all went our separate ways.

Monday, July 8th

We all met up at Chipotle and sat around talking about more kpop stuff.

It was raining surprisingly hard in the morning, so we were all praying the event didn't get canceled. We walked over to Washington Square Park at 1pm and camped out there full of anxiety. I’ll type up what happened at the flash mob in a different post, but in summary, it was the best day of our lives. A ton of flovers had flights to catch, so Sweden girl and got milk tea and just held our hands crying over the event we saw. We rewatched the videos like 15 times (not kidding), took the subway to the Statue of Liberty, took the subway BACK to Washington Square Park because we missed some closure pictures, and then went to Central Park to take more pictures, all while lugging around my silly Saerom sign.

Our heads were in the clouds the entire day so we just sat on a rock and watched the sunset. She met up with a friend from Michigan while I got Halal guys and went back to my hotel room super emotional over the days events.

My dumbass put too much of the red sauce in it which was spicy as HELL so I couldn’t even eat much of it.

Tuesday, July 9th

I woke up late because I wanted to stretch out the best day of my life (yesterday) for as long as possible, and Sweden girl convinced me to go to the airport to say bye to fromis_9 before our flight. I was late as hell, but I booked my ass over to JFK and got to see (G)-IDLE and IZ ONE at the airport (I have videos, not pictures). At the end of the day, fromis_9 wasn't even leaving New York that day so apparently the twitter source was wrong. I wasn't too disappointed though given Monday's events, so I said my good-byes to my partner-in-crime from the weekend and booked my ass to Newark (I was almost late for my flight because New York rush hour, will never underestimate again).

---

All in all, I give KCON a solid 3/10, but my overall trip was a 12.4/10 because of what happened at Washington Square Park. KCON has much better, ethical ways to suck the money dry out of the fans that are willing to pay. They announce the artist engagement schedule AFTER selling the packs, which baited so many Nuest and Seventeen fans. The layout of the convention was absolutely fucking awful too. They put the Toyota booth dance stage, the KCON stage, the cover stage, and the KCON dance stage fairly close to each other so the music was playing over each other, and the other half of the room had empty booths full of cosmetic products and studying in Korea which has an appeal to like 10% of the people there. They also checked our wristbands when moving between rooms in the convention center, which makes no sense since we needed our wristband to enter the Javits Convention Center period. And in general, there was nothing to do "long term" so so many people were walking around bored like me. The lines for the stuff that could actually be done were ridiculously long (maybe 25-30 minute waits for the free food but that's long enough to miss an entire panel/engagement). The cherry on the cake is they announced the KCON LA lineup today without any teasers (no consistency?) and almost every single artist that went to KCON NY is going to KCON LA. I personally trust KCON LA a bit more to not fuck up everything as bad as KCON NY, but it still feels pretty unethical considering how many of us flew ridiculous distances to NY just for the same line up.

I'm not the biggest fan of New York either. The city is super crowded, smells awful, and I don't feel safe on the streets at all (and I'm a guy). One redeeming quality is that the people that I met were unbelievably nice. I probably asked for directions eight times and every time, I got the most helpful/friendly response. An old white man even saw how I confused I looked an approached me asking exactly how he could help me get to where I wanted to go.

At least now, I think I have the confidence to plan my own solo trip to a faraway place. This was a fun one.

I hope we answered your promise Saerom!

[raiswriting]

it sucks

warnings: drunk character, this is one of my first pieces so it’s a little sucky okay that was a bad pun

genre: angsty fluff

pairing: college!jaehyun x genderneutral!bestfriend!reader

summary: you and jaehyun have been best friends and neighbors for a few years now but you are getting tired of his antics; based on the song it sucks by avonlea

word count: 1.5k i just have a lot of feelings about drunk clingy jaehyun okay

3am your driveway

unbuckle you, grab your keys from your pocket

swing your arms on my shoulder

shuffle to the door unlock it

another saturday night. another party. no not for me. for jaehyun. lord knows i love this boy but this is the third Saturday in a row that i’ve had to pick him up from some party, drunk out of his mind, and having no idea where he was. this time it was a frat party on the other side of town. pulling up i could see the unbelievable amount of tipsy students littering the lawn. amidst the ever-growing crowd, there sat jaehyun. well, really there he laid, body spread across the lawn and curb. as I stopped the car beside him, i noticed him mumbling something into the night. a sigh left my lips as i got out of the car and walked over to him. as i got closer, the words became clearer. jaehyun was mumbling along to drake’s marvin’s room, a song that quickly became the theme to these kind of nights. jaehyun was an emotional, clingy drunk. so it was to no surprise that as soon as I was in his field of view, his glossy eyes lit up.

“y/n, you’re here,” the words tumbled clumsily out his mouth, as he tried to get up with an equal amount of grace.

i quickly lean out to catch his towering body. “of course i am jae. c’mon let’s get you home.”

the car ride was relatively quiet. i peeked in the rearview mirror, glad to see his sleeping face. my eyes then glanced down to the clock, 2:57 am.

i opened his car door and leaned down towards him.

“jae... jae... hey, kiddo it’s time to wake up.” I gently shook his shoulder,”jaehyun. hun, it’s time to go inside.”

“mmm but you’re car is comfy too,” sleep thickly coated his voice. i held back a chuckle after seeing him pout his lips like a child.

“alright jae but think about your nice comfy big bed,”stubbornly he shook his head, “and hey i’ll make you a deal. if you go inside, take some medicine and get some sleep, i’ll take you out to breakfast in the morning.” the promise of a free meal to a college kid was like offering ice water to someone in hell.

“ooohhh can we get waffles at ruby’s?” his puppy dog eyes looking over at me, shining in the street light flooding my car.

“anything you want.”

“then what are you waiting for. chop, chop, let’s go.”

i chuckled at his antics before throwing his arm over my shoulder and practically dragging him out of my car and into our apartment building.

im so honored that you’d aim your puke right at my chest

i clean your vomit, turn out lights, kiss your forehead

one second jaehyun’s body is basically melted over mine and i’m struggling to hold his weight, while opening his door. the next we’re inside his apartment and i have his vomit covering my sweater. i took a few deep breaths before leading jae to his bedroom. i placed the trashcan next to his head and left to get medicine.

upon entering the bathroom, i was rudely confronted with my reflection. i peeled the disgusting sweater off of my body and tossed it into the trash. the cold air quickly nipped at my skin, drawing my attention to my less than conservative, and very thin tank top. quickly i gathered the medicine and a glass a water, trying to quickly leave so that i could once again bask in the warm embrace of my own bed.

in the time i was gone, jaehyun had managed to remove his shirt and one shoe. now he was lying on his side struggling to get off the other one.

“okay hold on jae. take this medicine first then ill help you put on some pj’s.” his head turned to me as his arms fell heavily onto the bed. his eyes looked up to me, deep frustration locked behind them. as much as jaehyun and i shared with one another and as long as we’ve been best friends, there were emotions of his i only got to see in these moments. most of the time he put on this strong mask that was caring, bright and impenetrable to any negativity. in a ridiculous situation like being unable to take off his shoe, the mask melted away and bright eyes clearly shown through. after a few attempts at bargaining his way out of it and a gentle reminder of the breakfast i’m buying him tomorrow, he begrudgingly swallowed the advil and 2 full glasses of water.

his head softly hit the pillow as i pulled his leg into my lap. in his efforts to remove the shoe, jaehyun had managed to entangle his laces in the gnarliest knot i’ve ever seen. in the time it took for me to take off his shoe, my fingers were sore and he was fast asleep. i simply sat there for a second, admiring him in his most calm of states. being able to see him like this was a treasure; his cheeks flushed from the alcohol and his hair a mess splayed across his forehead.

it sucks that i love you

it blows that i want you to be safe and I know

you’ll keep tearing you down and i’ll be around

you know i can’t say no

gently, i laid his leg onto the bed before standing over him. i pushed his hair out of his face, carding my fingers through it. a small smile graced his features, one mirroring my own. slowly i pulled my hand from his face and began to leave. before i closed the door behind me, a weak voice called out through the darkness.

“y/n wait.”

concern flooded my mind, “what happened jae? what’s wrong?” i turned on my heel, crouching beside his bed in no time at all.

“i’m sorry,” his speech was no longer slurred but his voice was shaking.

at this point i was genuinely confused. after all the times i’ve dropped him off, we have developed a routine. i’d pick him up, take him inside, make sure he took some medicine and went to sleep. then i’d leave a drink next to his bed and walk next door to my apartment.

there were some nights where he’d want me to stay a little longer with him while he talked about nothing and everything, it was usually very sentimental and heartwarming. then he falls asleep and i leave. those nights were the hardest. leaving him sleeping there. peeling his arms from around me. abandoning his warmth for a cold lonely night on my own. those steps to my own bed were always the heaviest.

“what do you have to be sorry for, hun?”

his eyes glanced away from my own, “for always doing this to you. you’re such a good person for always putting up with me.”

i scoffed and chuckled slightly, “oh shut it. go to sleep we can talk in the morning, okay?” i went to stand but his hand quickly grabbed mine. my eyes darted from our hands to his face.

“seriously, y/n. i don’t deserve someone as good as you. you’re so magnificent. so kind. so caring.” he sniffled slightly and i noticed a few tears fall onto his nose.

“aww jaehyun don’t cry. trust me, i don’t mind being here for you whenever you need me okay. ill be here no matter what. forever and always.” my free hand reached up to wipe his tears before caressing his cheek. his head leaned into my hand and its warmth spread weaseled its way into my heart. which was racing and aching at the same time. i needed to go but couldn’t find the strength to stand, not yet at least. our gazes met once again before jae closed his eyes. it took me a second to register his lips on my palm and by the time i had, they were gone.

my hand found a path away from his face and back to his hair, once again raking my fingers through it. we sat like that for a few moments, just enjoying one another’s presence. everything seemed to melt away around us. jaehyun then broke the silence once more.

“y/n. i love you”

in that moment, my heart stopped. i couldn’t breathe. the silence that hung in the air was suffocating. i couldn’t have this conversation tonight, not when i didn’t know if he’d even remember it in the morning.

so I pushed his hair back placed a kiss on his forehead and told him the truth.

“i love you too jaehyun…”

i stood up and left his room. the door quietly shutting behind me.

“…more than you’ll ever know.”

cause you know, babe, you’re tearing me down

but ill always take you home

requests here!

a/n : alrighty, this was my first post on this account and the first piece i’ve done for an idol. i hope you enjoyed and please feel free to leave some constructive criticism, i am always looking to improve :)

part two . part three

[3am-is-a-sad-hour]

Can't Sleep - 29/6/19

I really don’t know what it is I’m feeling

I would call it bittersweet, but that’s not quite right

It’s a sort of romantic sadness that you only see in movies

As the rain begins to fall, and the character stares out over the land

No tears, but you feel the beautiful emptiness he does

As the melancholy music swells, and the clock ticks around to 3AM

I wonder if it’s okay to feel this way

An inherent loneliness, like I may very well be the last man left alive.

It might be the fan’s whirring, but I just can’t get to sleep

I never feel this way in the day,

I’m not sure I could get these feelings out then if I tried

I don’t know what to write to convey it - I never have

I wish I could turn this sad energy into something productive

They say artists make great art because they suffer

I think I’ve suffered enough, but there’s just nothing that comes to me

No matter how hard I try

I do feel terribly alone, I notice it more each day

I was different then, but now I’m worlds apart from the people I know

I read something the other day

It said intimacy is not feeling afraid of being vulnerable

I’ve never experienced that. I hope to someday, as hopeful as I can be.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to stare at the darkness of night with someone?

To understand the loneliness and be lonely together

Not faking joviality for the sake of social nonsense

Simply, truly knowing how the other feels

It doesn’t even have to be romantic

I guess I just need a friend

It would be nice to have someone like me,

That could see past my unintentional fronts

And bring down the walls that I cannot.

I suppose I’m thinking myself a part of this movie

Because none of that ever happens in real life, does it?

It’s sad, isn’t it, computer? You’re the closest thing I have to vulnerability.

It’s ten past now and I really should be trying to sleep. At least it’s only Saturday.

I’ll see you next time, computer.

[renegon-paragade]

Based on this prompt from @exyprompts

This got way longer than I meant it to be, and I probably did way more research than neccessary. Google probably thinks that I own a pregnant cat now.

In this au Neil is in witness protection after all the shit went down with his father

Also, Andrew and Neil are neighbors

They haven't officially met yet

Andrew absolutely does not wake up early to watch the cute boy on his jog. Nope. Not at all. He just happens to be sitting on the balcony at the same time

And since their balconies are next to each other, and they both tend to smoke late at night when they wake up from nightmares, they sometimes smoke silently together

Sir is Andrew's cat and King is Neil's.

And Andrew is perfectly fine dealing silently with his crush annoyance with his neighbor

Except there's a slight issue

You see, Neil has never owned a cat before. He found King while on a run and decided to take her in. While he did a bunch of research on toys to get her and what to feed her, he didn't know about getting her spayed

Andrew hasn't had the chance to neuter Sir. Nicky convinced him to get the damn thing when a coworker's cat had kittens because he thought Andrew was lonely. Andrew agreed just to get him to shut up. He knows he needs to get Sir neutered, but the vet closest to him doesn't care about the animals at all (He's the type who puts down healthy animals because of divorce and tries to sell owners a bunch of medicines they don't actually need) so he's waiting until he has the time to go to the one a few towns over that Renee swears by. It shouldn't really be an problem. He has an appointment booked and everything.

Well, it wouldn't be a problem so long as he didn't knock up another cat

Both Neil and Andrew allow their cats out on their balconies as they please. It's fine, they don't roam much except to visit each other (Andrew assumes King is a male cat and thus doesn't think twice about Sir not being neutered)

Eventually, Neil starts to notice that King keeps throwing up, and her stomach is getting bigger

Neil panics and rushes her to the vet (the one a few towns over, thankfully, because he's heard bad things about the local one from Dan and Matt) where he finds out that King is fine

Except, you know, she's pregnant

Neil, overbearing cat dad that he is, starts making a queening box and buying specialty food, supplies for the kittens, books about how to care for kittens, etc

What I'm getting at here is that he's carrying a lot of things that announce to the world that his cat is both a girl and pregnant

And, of course, because Neil's life is the cosmic equivilant to shattering 20,000 mirrors, his bag rips and drops all of it right as he's walking into the lobby of his appartment

Directly in front of Andrew

And Andrew is not normally the kind of person to help out of the kindness of his heart, but the completely overwhelmed look on cute runner boy's face as all of his purchased goods fall to the floor makes him reconsider that

And if it just so happens that this works as the perfect opportunity to introduce himself and maybe flirt, well, no one needs to know

So Andrew helps Neil pick up the stuff and bring it to his appartment, while Neil rambles on about King and the pregnancy and how out of his depth he is

And Andrew thinks that this is the perfect way to get closer to his crush that Neil is such a mess of a human being that he has to help him out, for the poor animal's sake

(And, in the back of his mind, Andrew knows that Sir is probably the father. Andrew decides to keep this thought to himself for now)

So Andrew starts visiting a bit, taking care of King while Neil is out and helping Neil get everything ready. He makes sure that Neil has his number and keeps his phone charged so that if he isn't home when King goes into labor Neil can call him and maybe so Andrew could text the idiot

So of course at 7 am on a fucking Saturday, Andrew wakes to Neil pounding on his door and rushes over

Of course, cat labor doesn't actually require human input

Andrew knows this

He's not really there for King

He's there to stop Neil from being a hoverparent and stressing King out

He does this by sitting Neil down in the same room as King so they can keep an eye on her while they watch an Exy game, much to Andrew's disgust

It was the only thing that distracted Neil from worrying, so whatever, Andrew will watch stupid stickball

After a couple of hours, King is finally done with labor, having given birth to 3 adorable kittens

Two match King's black and cream tortoiseshell markings

But the last one is ginger and fluffy

Just like Sir

Andrew snorts. "Guess we know who the father is"

Andrew doesn't do guilt or regret. They're pointless

That doesn't mean that he doesn't acknowledge that if he had gotten Sir neutered earlier, Neil wouldn't be forced to take on the emotional and financial burden of kittens

And he knows it doesn't make sense, but maybe he feels something bad when he realizes that if he hadn't been there for the birth, his cat would be a deadbeat dad who abandoned his kids

Just like Andrew's father

So Andrew decides to help out where he can

He buys nursing mother food and drops the bag on Neil's balcony with a paper taped to it saying "child support"

Neil's laugh when he sees it absolutely does not make him blush

Andrew and Neil take turns watching over the cats to make sure they are okay

King, like the spoiled brat she is, adores the attention

Meanwhile Sir is getting antsy

His friend (girlfriend?) just disappeared out of the blue? Why won't she come out to play?

He sits on the balcony watching Neil's apartment, waiting for King to show up

Neil is the one who suggests a visit, to let Sir meet his kittens and to see how he reacts to them

He almost takes it back when he learns that sometimes male cats will attack kittens - he knows too well what it's like to fear your father - but ultimately, he decides to give Sir one chance, so long as he's supervised

So when the kittens are about 12 days old, Andrew brings Sir over to visit (with more "child support")

Both Andrew and Neil are ready to grab him if anything goes wrong

But Sir doesn't attack the kittens at all

At first he just watches King as she washes the nursing kittens, keeping his distance and observing

After a minute or so, he moves closer, coming up and sniffing at King, who watches him but doesn't move to react

Slowly, he begins to wash her head, purring softly

King steadily relaxes, accepting that Sir won't hurt their kittens, which makes Neil and Andrew relax as well

They spend the rest of the day together while the cats do their thing. Andrew makes Neil dinner because he has quickly learned that Neil can't cook more than basic meals

Andrew also forces Neil to watch something on tv other than exy games

"Seriously Josten, what the fuck is with you and stickball"

They end up binge watching "My Cat From Hell" until 3am, when they finally decide to call it a day

This quickly becomes routine for them. Andrew and Sir come over for dinner and to catch Neil up on pop culture

Neil thinks "Mythbusters" is interesting, but finds "Finding Bigfoot" stupid. He loves "Planet Earth," since he gets to learn things that he missed in school. His favorite is still "My Cat From Hell," though Andrew doesn't know why he expected otherwise from a man who channels the same energy as a 85-year-old crazy cat lady

(He eventually stops complaining that they're missing the game)

(Eventually)

Time passes quickly and soon the kittens are three months old and ready to find a new home

Neil wants to keep them, but acknowledges that he doesn't have the room or the money for 4 maybe 5 cats

Dan and Matt say they can take in one, Aaron and Kaitlyn ask for another, but Andrew and Neil are still looking for a home for the third

They don't want to give any of the kittens to someone they don't trust to take care of them, but neither of them are exactly social butterflies and none of their remaining friends or family can take in the last kitten

Andrew mentions it during one of his weekly meetings with Bee. She promises to look around and get back to him if she finds a suitable home

A few days later, she texts him and says that if the kitten is still available, she would love to adopt it.

Thirteen weeks after King gave birth, the kittens all go to loving homes

Dan and Matt adopt the oldest, Princess Lazyfluff, aka Princess, who takes after her mother's royal grace and her father's depleated energy levels

Aaron and Kaitlin get second-born Marquis Sweetums McCatterson, aka Mark ("No Nicky I am not calling her that ridiculous name"), a quirky kitten who only sits still when she wants to be pet

Bee gets the youngest, Dutchess Flooftail of Caterbury, aka Dutchess, who's curious but quiet nature makes her the perfect companion for Bee

(Eventually, Bee gets Dutchess trained as an emotional support animal to help patients who are in need)

Andrew and Neil are sad to see them go, but calmed in knowing that they will still see the kittens often and that their new families will take care of them properly

(And also in knowing that all of them, including King and Sir, are now spayed or neutered, since they are responsible cat dads and don't want any more suprises)

Neil is kind of worried that things will go back to how they used to be, with Andrew not talking to him, not coming over to visit every night. He does not like how that prospect makes him feel

But that night, like clockwork, Andrew shows up with Sir

"King is probably going to miss the kittens and I don't want her yowling to keep me up all night"

Of course, Andrew keeps coming after that night too

The only time Neil asks him why, Andrew claimed that he was doing his civic duty in making sure Neil eats real food and catching him up with the rest of the world

This goes on for another month, during which they also start to cautiously trade truths, revealing the parts of themselves they hid from everyone else.

Neil goes to visit Dan, Matt, and Princess. At some point Matt references Harry Potter and Neil snorts. The others are shocked that Neil actually understood what they were talking about, so Neil explains about his evenings hanging out with Andrew and Sir

Dan and Matt, confused, ask if they are dating. Neil is quick to say they aren't, they're just friends, but the idea is planted in his head

That night, as he and Andrew are eating dinner, Andrew notices how distracted he is and asks what's wrong

"Are we dating?"

Neil didn't really mean to blurt it out, and kind of regrets it when Andrew tenses up

"Do you want us to be?" Andrew asks cautiously

And Neil thinks about the quiet companionship. He thinks of Andrew's presence calming him after nightmares and during King's labor. He thinks about the worry in his gut when he thought Andrew was going to go back to ignoring him. He thinks about how his kitchen is arranged how Andrew likes it, how his couch is covered in Andrew's blankets and pillows, how King and Sir are never seen apart anymore, how seamlessly their broken edges fit together. How Andrew learned his truths without flinching

Neil nods, uncertain of how to proceed

Andrew leans in, eyes moving to pointedly look at Neil's mouth then back to his eyes

"Yes or no?"

"Yes," Neil answers, the first of many, many more

[no-error]

Just love klance part 2

So yeah.. part 2. Enjoy~

Remember read author tags! There are some triggers, smut etc. So read with care yes?

Heat-Companion for Hire    A/B/O

A male Omega raised in a strict, traditional family, Lance has suffered dry heats his whole life - here's to hoping things will get better with an Alpha around.

23,443 words   AO3

Green Light     A/B/O

Keith's good with trouble, he's alpha and a skilled cop in Chicago's Alpha Unit, so when shit hits south Keith can change it to north. If bad guys run Keith ropes them in. If bullets fly Keith is usually good at not being the target. Not the same for knives but- he knows how to handle trouble.

So why the fuck can't he handle one pretty omega with a chip on his shoulder and literal water for eyes?

74,790 words   AO3

Paladins are Friends, Not Food  (not really klance but it was nice read)

If Lance had known he would soon be trapped in space with Earth, and his typical main food source, millions of miles away, maybe he could have packed and maybe he wouldn’t currently be hunched over this toilet throwing up space jelly with the world’s biggest headache.

Maybe he wouldn't be eyeing his friends and maybe he wouldn't be considering eating alien cat people.

An alternate universe where Lance is a ghoul.

23,988 words   AO3

He Who Fights Monsters

In a world where monstrous dragons terrorize humanity daily, the Garrison trains valiant Knights to slay the evil beasts and defend Earth. But when Knight cadet Lance Espinosa is kidnapped by a strange red dragon who kills its own kind, certain truths are revealed...and so are the true monsters.

64,888 words Dragons!!  AO3

nobody has to know (nobody but me)     Magic

Lance has a secret, and he’s taking it to the grave –except, he didn’t think the ‘taking it to the grave’ bit would happen quite so soon.

When the team head planetside on a diplomatic mission, Lance can’t decide if he’s ecstatic about it, or about to endure an intense bout of homesickness. Sure, the planet looks cool, the aliens themselves are pretty chill considering they’ve singlehandedly fended off Galra attacks up until now. But thanks to Pidge making the team clocks that run on Earth time, Lance knows that it’s almost his nineteenth birthday.

Yeah, he’s gonna go with the homesickness.

Unfortunately for him, the aliens they visit have two distinct qualities that, in any other circumstance, Lance would find cool; the ability to sense emotions, and the complete inability to keep secrets. That extends to their allies, as well.

He probably would have continued thinking those were pretty amazing skills –until the aliens sense negative emotions between the Paladins, and demand that to secure an alliance, the team must heal the dissent brewing in the fine cracks between each other thanks to the secrets they’re keeping, no matter how trivial.

Yeah. Homesickness probably wasn’t the right way to go.

45,199 words   AO3

Fragmented     Soulmates

In a world of soulmates, Lance drew the short straw. Forever marked inferior to his soulmate, and the people around him, made worse by the first words that pass Keith's lips...

15,658 words   AO3

                                            More modern

Dear Keith

Keith receives a mysterious note in the mail. There's nothing written on the envelope but his name. When he reads it he learns of some guy named Lance who is writing to Keith to tell him the story of how he messed everything up.

Lance is distraught after he is left all alone after his big screw up. To ease the pain, he writes a letter to a made up person...or so he thought. Keith was just a name he picked randomly but when mysterious drawings start appearing in his dorm room, depicting scenes that he's written about, he starts to think Keith might not be just a figment of his imagination.

71,992 words   AO3

Unknown Number      Series not completed

When keith receives a text from an unknown number, an annoying personality on the other end of it, he hardly thinks that it will ever lead to anything.

12,466 words   AO3

If Fireflies Cast Shadows

You'd think finding your soulmate would be difficult, since there's only one of them and over seven trillion people in the world. Thankfully, God decided to take pity on his creations, and gave each person the very first words their soulmate would say to them. It was always in their personalized handwriting and the color that best describe them, decorating the wrist of your dominant hand. And, if you touch it after you meet them, you can send them your emotions, even thoughts if your connection is strong enough.

50,200 words   AO3

hey, stranger

“Hey you called this number at like 3AM and we talked about some pretty heavy shit do you remember any of that?”

First Meeting, High School AU. Lance is up one night feeling lonely and decides to call random numbers, the one successful one happens to be Keith's number. The next day, Lance can't remember if it actually happened or if it was a dream, but he gets a message a few days later and suddenly talking to a stranger becomes a part of his everyday routine.

15,403 words   AO3

Pixels

Lance spends almost every Saturday afternoon at his favorite diner, The Universal, a space-themed restaurant tucked into a historical college town. There's an old arcade game in one corner of the diner and Lance is bent on beating the high score, but the same name has graced the top of the leaderboard for weeks.

Keith has been working at the diner for months, and it's been nothing exciting, but switching shifts with the weekend busboy mixes things up more than Keith expects.

46,510 words   AO3

Loose Ends

Lance is so close to drowning, but he’s never let anyone see, not his closest friends, not even his boyfriend Keith. He just wants the pain to stop. But isn’t it easier to let go than crawl back up?

 There’s another pause. “Keith, are you okay?” Because like Lance, Hunk is caring. Hunk is kind and caring and attentive to his friends. He can hear the uncertainty and the fear that Keith is barely holding onto.

 What if Lance left? What is he just up and left because Keith said he didn’t need him anymore- No, that’s preposterous. Right?

 Something is wrong.

 “Are you sure he’s not in?”

“I’m sure-”

 Something is wrong.

 “I’ve been knocking at the door for the last ten minutes, and all the lights are off. He’s not here.”

 Something is wrong.

It doesn’t matter what the something is, but that something is wrong and Keith can’t help but feel he is responsible.

51,286 words   AO3

No-error out

[multi-fandom-oneshots]

Hi, can I please get a Marvel ship? I’m a female and I’m straight. I’m an Aries. I’m about 5’3”, I have wavy, black hair and hazel/greenish eyes. I’m skinny, but with curves. I’m very sarcastic, loyal to those closest to me, witty, daring, brave, independent and quiet. I’m not very sociable since I have a lot of anxiety and depression issues. I love the winter, music, reading, and animals (I have three cats). My favorite TV shows are usually comedy ones, but I also love The Walking Dead. Thank u

Hi, thanks for the request! 

I ship you with: Tony!

When you “met” Tony, you didn’t exactly know he was Tony Stark. You met @AnthonyEdward15 you thought he was just a nice dude who you had a lot of things in common. You met him in an online chat room that you had found. The chat room was for those with Depression/Anxiety issues, to talk them out with others who understood and could help. You were skeptic but therapy was expensive and you were going a little crazy with all the things running through your head, you just needed to talk them out. So at 3am on a Thursday night you  decided to join. 

—

@Y/N has joined the chat. 

@Y/N: So this is weird…anyone out there?

@AnthonyEdward15 has joined the chat. 

@AnthonyEdward15: I’m here, nice to meet you. I’m assuming you’re new?Haven’t seen you around.

@Y/N: Yep, figured this was cheaper than therapy and I’ve got a lot going on in my headspace rn. 

@AnthonyEdward15: Yep, a lot less judgmental too. But if you’re looking for a surrogate for therapy I can do the whole “what brought you here today?” thing.

@Y/N: Lol, that’s okay. 

@Y/N: I just have a big job interview tomorrow and I keep telling myself I’m gonna blow it. I’m really anxious about it.

@Y/N: Honestly I should be sleeping and not talking to a random stranger online. 

@AnthonyEdward15: Well I’m not totally good at advice but I could tell you about the worst job interview I have ever had. I promise it’ll make you feel better.

@Y/N: Okay lol. 

@AnthonyEdward15: Okay so I’m super late, my pants are on backwards and half of my goatee was missing…

—

Surprisingly Tony’s story helped you a lot. You knew as anxious as you were, your interview could never be that bad. And even with that total train wreck he had still gotten the job. So the next day you walked into Stark Tower confident as ever. 

An hour later you walked back out of the tower with a huge grin on your face. Your interview had been amazing and you were sure you would at least get a follow up interview. Ms. Potts seemed to really like you and THE Tony Stark had dropped in unexpectedly and introduced himself. He was incredibly handsome and although you usually stayed away from playboys, you would totally make an exception for him. 

You wanted to message Anthony to thank him for helping you feel better but you realized you didn’t have any way to contact him other than that chat room. So you DM’d him, thanking him for helping you out. You hadn’t expected a reply, but sure enough a couple hours later your phone dinged and it was a message from him. 

@AnthonyEdward15: Glad I could help, I’m sure you killed it! Fun fact, I also met a Y/N who was also doing a job interview today. Crazy, huh?

You and Anthony kept in touch. You talked for months, and have become really good friends. He would snark with you all day long. You two had so much in common, he loved all the same music you did and turns out that his favorite tv show was also your favorite. You two would constantly be quoting it to each other and it was hilarious. You tried to stop yourself but you were starting to develop a crush on the amazing online best friend. But you knew that was a ridiculous notion. 

Months pasted, and you two talked 24/7. Unless Anthony had to travel for work, then he would always let you know he’d be offline for a couple of days. 

He was currently away on business, and you were at home, lonely and kind of depressed and a little drunk. You hated that you had fallen in love for someone you haven’t even met. 

You woke up the next morning with killer headache and this weird dream about you spilling your guts to Anthony. But this was a dream you had had before so you weren’t really concerned. You rolled over to grab your phone and saw that you had 3 unread messages from Anthony. 

–

@AnthonyEdward15: Good morning.

@AnthonyEdward15: I’m back btw. 

@AnthonyEdward15: Also I’m not good with words like you but I like like you too. Would you want to meet?

–

You froze. Then frantically scrolled back up to find a very lengthy message from your drunk alter ego telling Anthony you “liked liked him and that he was so pretty even though you had never met him but omg he was pretty”. 

You wanted to fling your phone across the room, pack up all your things and leave the country. But you took a couple minutes to breathe, and decided that you would forever regret not meeting Anthony and would never forgive yourself if you didn’t at least see how this would play out. 

@Y/N: Okay. Saturday April 25th at 3pm outside the Empire State Building. It’s a date. 

—

one year later:

You were roused out of your daydream by Tony wrapping his arms around you.

“What you thinking about, babe?” he asked as he kissed your cheek.

You smiled and turned around to face him. “Nothing just about how much I love you.” 

Tony smiled brightly at you and kissed you deeply. “As much as I’d like to stay out here and kiss you all night, we’re missing the party. And apparently the engaged couple have to be present for their Engagement party…it’s a thing.” 

You laughed and kissed your future husband. “I love you Anthony Edward.” 

“I love you too, Y/N.”

[amidel]

Day Six

On Friday, you returned from spending the Christmas holiday with your family and all I could think about was how excited I was to see you. We’d spent two weeks apart, which is typical for the end of the year when there’s so much to do and so little time. I got to your apartment on Saturday evening and could immediately sense that something was off. We bantered and you seemed tired, so I chalked it up as being the result of an 11h drive back from Nashville. I mentioned a few times how much I’d missed you and how excited I was to have you back. You said it was good to be back.

We watched five hours of The Marvelous Mrs Maisel and went to bed... I slept restlessly and the next morning you told me you couldn’t fall asleep until 3am. I found that weird since you were the one who asked to go to sleep, but oh well. I picked at my french toast (that you had left the house at 9am to get eggs and milk to make with) and the feeling of anxiety and unease continued to simmer. By the time we got to my house later on Sunday, I felt like I was bracing myself. For what, I didn’t know yet. Leah headed out the door and you rang out your usual “see you later!”. And then it was just the two of us.

I would’ve been tense either way, but the episode of Bob’s Burgers that was on wasn’t helping. I asked you if you were upset with me, and you said no, but didn’t meet my eye until you noticed I was holding your gaze. I paused the episode a few minutes later, and you sat up and turned to me. Before you opened your mouth, I felt like I already knew what was coming. There were a few phrases that stuck out, and others that feel like a blur.

“So I did a lot of thinking over the past week.”

“I’ve been unhappy for the past few months.”

“In your grad essays, you mentioned that you want to move home to Senegal, and I don’t think I’m in a position to do that with you.”

“Our futures and what we want aren’t aligned.”

“You want to sit on the couch and watch TV all day.”

“You like to lie in in the mornings on weekends and that drives me crazy. I can’t do it and I hate that.”

“We exist in your context. In your apartment. With your friends.”

“You want to spend a lot of time with me...”

I think this is the point at which I asked if we were having a conversation or if you had made up your mind. You responded with the latter... still, I offered my reactions. Logically, I took issue with your remarks on my habits and who we spend time with, for reasons that seem pretty obvious. I don’t know how many opportunities I’ve given you over the past year and four months to voice concerns, to tell me you’re not happy, to tell me how to make things better for us... you rarely took me up on any of them. 

The issue of grad school is valid and one that I think would have merited a conversation (that you said we weren’t having). The others, I try not to resent you for. What it comes down to is that you no longer wanted to be in a relationship, with me.. with someone else.. that, I don’t know. What I do know is that relationships are built on trust, communication, and commitment. There are so many things about the future that I don’t know, and I’d be lying if I said that there weren’t niggling thoughts in the back of my mind that shouted out some of the ways we were different (maybe too much so). But every day, I woke up and chose you and chose us. Because those naysayers in the back of my head were spoilers and I believed in us more than I believed what they were saying. 

Man, I love(d) you. I guess I need to get to the point where that’s in the past tense. I think you were trying to protect yourself and me when you brought up the varying reasons why it wasn’t going to work... it’s hurtful to tell someone that you said you loved just the day before that you were no longer interested in being in a relationship with them. I get that, and I forgive you. But for better or worse, my rational side has gone over that conversation in different stages of grief - irritated, disappointed, sad, heartbroken, ambivalent - and each time I see it in a new light.

You said that in many other ways, I was an excellent and amazing partner and that I shouldn’t take this as a reflection of who I am as a person. You asked if we could be friends eventually. I said that I want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me, and that I would need some space. You mentioned how calm I was... I said I was heartbroken but processing and would respect your decision. 

Today is Saturday. Juice cleanse aside, I slept poorly most of the week and have barely eaten. Though for some reason I can’t seem to have a proper cry about this, my body’s definitely reacting to the sense of loss I feel. I am eternally grateful for my support system and network of friends and family who surround me. This week would have been exponentially harder without them. I still woke up on a few mornings with my heart heavy, but I have been getting through each day. One after the next. I still went to Yara’s party on New Year’s Eve and our belated holiday gathering last night. Baby steps.

Weekends are going to be the hardest part. We had an on/off schedule during the weekdays but I knew weekends were for me and you. Finding things to do so I don’t end up sitting on the couch feeling sad is almost in direct conflict to how I want to cope. But it’s probably the healthiest option to go after. Nothing against wallowing, but balance is important. Today is the first Saturday since our breakup and I went to brunch with Dueaa and Leah A in NE DC. We drove through regular traffic and every time I saw a white Jeep, my heart skipped a beat. 

So. I don’t think we can be friends yet. Maybe when my heartbeat settles.

I had a slip-up and sent you a link on Twitter on Thursday. It was about Obama and Hamilton and while I think you appreciated it, I definitely just felt the need to be connected to you somehow. I told you about my juice cleanse and how I’m starting therapy. You seemed happy for me but didn’t offer any updates about yourself. As Yara pointed out, I need to get used to the idea that you’ve lost the privilege of knowing how I feel, my hopes and dreams, and my life updates. The nitty gritty crevices that people in your inner circle are kept abreast of. You were polite and encouraging in your responses. You’ve always been polite - that’s what drew me to you. So well-mannered. But I was right when I asked you for space on Sunday. This half-in, half-out isn’t going to work.

I think the hardest part is breaking habits: not texting you in the morning when I wake up, or when something reminds me of you, or the mindless banter on GChat that would make my work day a little less draining. 

I don’t regret any part of being with you. I think a part of me knew that I was more “in it” than you were... you were never overt about it, but I guess time together helped teach me how to read you. I keep telling myself that I’m glad this happened now as opposed to in the summer when I would be moving or changing things in my life. Imagine making a decision thinking you and someone else were on the same page, and it turns out you were reading different books. Now that’s heartbreaking. 

Still. It doesn’t make it easier. My rational thoughts have won out this week, but I’m dreading the moment that my emotions catch up. Though, I wouldn’t be mad at a healthy cry. How do I feel now?

Relieved that I started 2019 with the people who want to be in my life. Still sad. Thankful for the people around me. Lonely that it’s a Saturday and I’m on my couch with music and my thoughts for company. Happy that while it didn’t last, we had a year and four months of growth, love, and respect. Nervous that I’ll see another white Jeep and that’ll be what brings the tears on. 

All I can do is take things a day at a time. This is weekend one. Next will be weekend two, and so on, so forth. It’s an odd and disappointing feeling to feel unwanted, but I also understand that not all things last. And I’d rather know now so other blessings can come my way. I keep thinking I want to be six months out from this already so hopefully I’m in better spirits. But that’s not how that works. 

So today is day six. I went to brunch, spoke to my mum and younger sister, and had a call with Camryn. I started reading Michelle Obama’s new book. And it’s pretty damn good (already). Maybe journaling will help me process how I’m feeling at the moment. Maybe it won’t. But it’s a step. 

[80hdean]

I posted 5,823 times in 2021

86 posts created (1%)

5737 posts reblogged (99%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 66.7 posts.

I added 6,031 tags in 2021

#cas - 1452 posts

#dean - 1102 posts

#destiel - 909 posts

#fanart - 786 posts

#misha - 364 posts

#fave - 337 posts

#destiel art - 300 posts

#jack - 287 posts

#meta - 265 posts

#jensen - 229 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#and it hasn’t bothered me bc it’s so glaring to me that they might as well be wearing tshirts that say ‘i’m autistic ask me how!’ in ever a

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

ok maybe it’s just bc it’s 3am or maybe that it’s fathers day and also pride month and also transnatural week approacheth but like I had a record scratch thought the other day and it won’t leave me alone… but it’s also like skirting the realms of propriety for a lot of ppl and it’s related to a convo about something that I don’t have any answers for I don’t have any hard opinions about whether it’s ethical or fetishizing or not in every context

but like hear me out, if we are into domestic curtain fic and we are into baby jack and/or give-them-a-baby-natural and we are into trans dean and/or trans cas truthing (which we certainly are, at least for the sake of this post)

if these things are true then I would like to respectfully ask: where is the (non fetishy non omegaverse) mpreg fic? maybe it’s not called that idfk but like, I can think of a hundred scenarios off the top of my head that would result in either comedy gold, cavity-inducing fluff or Peak Suffering that involve an oops baby scenario, none of which require any magic or angel grace or supernatural handwavey nonsense. like it’s genuinely 100% in the real world possible for a dude to accidentally get knocked up! it’s not super likely if he’s on t but it’s certainly a thing that could happen

anyways I just think dean is so full of disorders and trauma and secret desires for children and family that it would also be entertaining to watch what happens if he was also full of cas’ baby

11 notes • Posted 2021-06-21 08:14:19 GMT

#4

this isn’t news but like yeah ‘when castiel first laid a hand on you in hell he was lost’ but also did you ever consider that when castiel first laid a hand on him, dean imprinted like a baby bird and was ruined for anyone else after that?

12 notes • Posted 2021-05-23 06:52:14 GMT

#3

shit bro do you ever just read (or re-read) the letter in the beginning of Stone Butch Blues and feel the weight of a thousand bricks slowly crushing your chest so tight until suddenly you’re sobbing? no? me neither

For more than twenty years I have lived on this lonely shore, wondering what became of you. Did you wash off your Saturday night makeup in shame? Did you burn in anger when women said, “If I wanted a man I’d be with a real one?”

Do you ever think of me in the cool night?

I never could have survived this long if I’d never known your love. Yet still I ache with missing you and need you so…

The storm has passed now. There is a pink glow of light on the horizon outside my window. I am remembering the nights I fucked you deep and slow until the sky was just this color.

I can’t think about you anymore, the pain is swallowing me up. I have to put your memory away, like a precious sepia photograph.

13 notes • Posted 2021-07-15 02:54:57 GMT

#2

it’s midnight and im back on my mpreg bullshit

akfjdkfj the non-cringey mpreg corner of this fandom (which seems to be like, um, four or five people lmfao it’s hard to know) is really rad and I appreciate the different angles everyone approaches it from, whether it’s baby-trapping someone (@autisticandroids’ mpregpocalypse), or it’s the body horror atrocity that happens when one is pregnant (postpartum prometheus by @dragqueendean & @nifedick), or it’s the angst angle of giving destiel the Most babies in the most tragic way possible (@astermacguffin’s au), these are all great!! I genuinely enjoy all of them for various reasons.

what I’m still not getting, though, is why it’s always cas being impregnated. I mean, the obvious answer is that it’s easy to invent some sort of handwavey angel magic that allows him to do pretty much anything with a fetus. but angel magic aside, are there character reasons for not inflicting this curse upon dean?

bc from where I’m sitting, it seems like a very entertaining way to cause dean Physical Suffering and Psychic Agony, as well as the gold mine of conflict between his fear of fucking up any life he’s responsible for and his deeply buried desires for that picket fence life he thinks he doesn’t deserve/isn’t cut out for.

I suppose that last part is arguable. It’s just one potential interpretation of the dean the show presents. resonates with me, so I ran with it but I don’t assume that’s ubiquitous.

perhaps the other issue is the characterization of cas, bc gender fuckery aside (i.e. I will not argue that carrying a human fetus is feminizing or whatever), gestating a human or human adjacent being inside a human vessel is difficult and strenuous and does make someone more vulnerable for a decent chunk of time (the degree of this varies widely, obviously). I kinda felt like towards the end of the show at least, cas had been beaten down so far physically/metaphysically (given his dwindling grace and decreasing mobility (though this is a rare hc of mine that I’ve never seen discussed on tumblr so it’s not a huge part of this argument)) that it is less interesting to me to make him more vulnerable? dean, in contrast, seems as strong and powerful as ever.

the other aspect is that to make dean pregnant you would either need to do more handwavey angel magic (which, sure why not what makes one magic more plausible than another?), or you’d have to make dean a trans man and deal with the fallout of that. I don’t think making dean trans is the issue, though, at least not in the tiny corner of spn fandom I find myself in, at least not for transphobia reasons. perhaps it’s just that the consequences of inflicting pregnancy on a trans man are arguably worse than on an angel, and therefore would be more difficult to parse and write in a non shitty and non cringe way.

or maybe it’s just me, succumbing to the brain worms? but I kinda think the extra consequence flavor is what makes the idea so spicy~

38 notes • Posted 2021-07-09 06:12:30 GMT

#1

Okay!! I know we are all supposed to be horrified at soulless Jack and be sad that he killed Mary or whatever but okay like

Jack is autistic

there’s just...I am not capable of seeing him as not autistic. and I’m gonna not go into it but the fucking soulless arc for him annoys me bc it plays right the fuck into those “autistic people don’t have emotions and can’t feel empathy” horseshit narratives and it makes me very mad!!

anyways my boy Jack he just had some overwhelming emotions and was tired and anxious and he had a meltdown!

(he just happened to have a god-powered meltdown)

but Mary pushed him 😂 she did what every idiotic allistic person does to every autistic kid ever having a meltdown; she followed him and made direct eye contact and wouldnt fucking shut up demanding he stop stimming and start responding to her and as much as I like Mary and as much as this obviously sucks for the story on the show—

there’s definitely a part of me that saw that scene and felt righteous vindication bc IF ONLY we had the fucking power to make people just stop when they’re being too loud/pushy/demanding

so what I got out of this storyline was:

Jack is an Autistic Hero!

103 notes • Posted 2021-02-02 06:26:54 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[m-m-mad-madness]

Deeply odd weekend. Not really sure what to make of it.

I’ve deleted my meltdown posts from Friday night because nobody fucking needs to see that, but the long and short of it was that it had been a very long and tiring week, I had been working non-stop for 12 hours, was very stressed about work, and got far too drunk. I’m a bit nervous about going into work tomorrow because I was viscerally honest about how I was feeling with my librarian colleage and his friend. I don’t know for sure how much I’ve forgotten, but what I do remember is quite enough that I’m mortified, and also a bit concerned that he’s going to report me to my boss because of how fragile I probably came across. I suppose, if it happens at all, I’ll just deal with it, but fear of the unknown is very much present... at present.

Anyway, he and his friend were really nice to me, and bundled me into a cab eventually (I was trying to insist on walking but they wouldn’t let me). I’m pretty worried they were desperate to ditch me and won’t want to see me again, but again, I’ll have to wait and see. I don’t think it helped that they were both being really nice to me, and talking about grooming me for more advanced library stuff, which I found really difficult to hear because it runs so violently counter to my internal narrative.

A related issue is that I peaked pretty quickly and I’m not completely sure who I said what to - I know a museum colleague heard some stuff, and I know I was already quite a way gone by the time my housemate left a little before 8 so he might have been privy to things as well. He was certainly quite... gentle with me today, but that could have been for any number of reasons.

So Friday was deeply chaotic, and culminated with me losing my phone, and on Saturday I was profoundly distressed about how I acted that night as well as worried about getting my phone back, and hungover to fuck. Fortunately my phone was handed in at the police station, and I managed to sleep off the hangover in the afternoon. In the evening my housemate went out with a friend of his, and texted me to invite me out for a drink with them and some other people - but then never got back to me with more details, which sent me into a bit of a tailspin because I was panicking that the others (including colleagues) had told him what a nightmare I was on Friday and he’d changed his mind about inviting me. So I obsessed about that for five hours or so, but then he and his friend got back pissed at 3am and invited me to join them listening to music, and it was actually really nice? Being distracted from my mind going around in circles definitely contributed, but it was also reassuring that he seemed to actively want my presence there, and while I still don’t know why he never replied to my message, I’m less certain it was because he hates me, which is good, I suppose.

Anyway, today I decided to tackle the work I was getting stressed over, so headed into town with my laptop for a few hours. When I got back my housemate said he was pleased to see me because he’d been quite lonely and anxious. While I find his honesty quite difficult, it was flattering, in a sense - it’s nice to feel like he trusts me, I suppose? And I don’t have any reason to believe he was saying that for my benefit so I think he was genuinely quite pleased I was back. We’ve had a really nice evening - watching the X files while he napped next to me on the sofa, and then I finally got this work done. I spoke to him a bit about being worried about it, and he seemed to agree that it was odd that I was being asked to do this but confirmed that I was probably only being asked because they trusted me to do a decent job. And over the course of the evening I’ve been able to ... get it in perspective a bit and realise I’ve probably been putting more effort and energy into this particular task than they were expecting. So now, of course, I’m a bit worried that they’re going to judge me for thinking so much of myself that I thought this was what they were asking me to do, when what they were actually asking me to do was much more constrained, or think I’ve done a terrible job, or something like that... but again, I don’t think there’s any point worrying about it at the moment, because I’ve sent the work off and won’t get any direct feedback until the meeting this afternoon at least (and I think the two people most closely involved in this particular task will talk to me before the meeting, anyway).

So that brings us to now, I suppose. Friday night and Saturday I think I was genuinely somewhat in danger, but I’m actually feeling fairly chipper today, which I definitely didn't think was a possibility. So that’s good, I guess.

Now just to see what the new week brings.