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ina-nis · 2 years

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(Sighs) This kind of thing is so conflicting for me... As someone who is queer and aspec myself, I grew up dealing with amatonormativity everywhere, and the things it enforces in regards to relationships.

I try to be always open-minded and listen to different perspectives. I’m friends with different people, many who are polyamorous, and/or view relationships in ways that break with amatonormativity. Of course, these friendships are just superficial (and online) for me, and I purposely keep people away for all the reasons I’ve been discussing in this blog for so, so long.

It made me question whether or not polyamory is for me, for example.

I’m a person who falls in love easily, with anyone. I can fall in love with several people at the same time, too. But reading about it, and seeing how, for some people, it’s less a matter of being poly X mono, and more a matter of “do I have the emotional energy for more than 1 relationship?”, “do I have the spoons to juggle several connections with different people?”, “can I nurture and maintain all these relationships?”, among other questions and the answers I arrived to were all similar: my own life is already a handful, I already spend a lot of time trying to keep my head above water. I do not think I’d be able to sustain more than one relationship at a time.

Another thing that bothers me is that, in therapy, whenever I brought up romantic relationships and what I would want from them and think would suit me, somehow it sounded like I was “looking for a parental figure” or that I was implying that I wanted to establish a co-dependent relationship with another person. Even when I always made it very clear that I will prioritize my life and myself first and foremost, then others; and I would like for my partner to prioritize their own life first and foremost too.

I think one of the big issues is how my trauma (and mental illnesses in general) skew the way I view relationships.

So I’ll see things like that post and immediately get defensive, because “breaking” relationship norms feel unsafe for me. It’s not me disliking, condemning or judging people who do these things; it’s how me, seeing things that I consider special and important, becoming trivialized and common, and how it feels unsafe.

Amatonormativity says that romance is the most important thing in the world, and that people should prioritize their partners and a bunch of other nonsensical things, that trap people in abusive and unhealthy relationships. It exists in insidious ways, when loveless aromantics are considered a danger to people for wanting to and liking to have sex without strings attached; when asexual people can have happy and healthy marriages without sex but they’re somehow subjecting their partners for abuse by withholding such “important” part of a relationship; when people in queerplatonic and/or polyamorous relationships do not get the same rights as people in monogamous romantic relationships; and so on...

And people are right to complain and wanting out of this system.

Some things about the other side, that I see people proposing, don’t feel safe to me either...

It tells me that it’s ok for me to be single. That I should work to better my own life and find happinesses elsewhere (even if being single is causing me so much distress). It tells me that my desire for a closed, committed relationship where I prioritize and feel prioritized is toxic and abusive (even when I feel like the alternatives are unsafe for me, and I make it very clear that I will preserve my own individuality and other people’s). It tells me that the fact that I wouldn’t be able to commit to more than one person and that I will prioritize my romantic relationship over friendships, makes me a bad person and a bad friend (even when maintaining any relationship is extremely exhausting to me). It tells me that it’s my fault that I’m single because if I can’t abide by a new ruleset, or lack of thereof, that means I’m in the wrong (and it doesn’t take into consideration my mental health or history with trauma).

...

I went through the replies and reblogs from that post and most people are on the aro and/or ace umbrella, so I can at least imagine how living in a world where romance is put on a pedestal is like... really, really bad. That’s how I feel about many sex-related things in society, as someone on the asexual spectrum.

To me, one of the possible solutions would be to give space for all kinds of relationships and dynamics to exist. And extend legal protections to them, among other things.

Personally, I do not think I’ll be able to thrive in a non-hierarchical polyamorous or in a queerplatonic partnership, I don’t think I’d be able to thrive having many friendships either. I have other needs and priorities. I’d rather have a small circle of people in my life, and a closed committed relationship with one person, whom I would be able to prioritize and dedicate a good chunk of my time and energy to nurture a good relationship with. My partner will be my best friend and I think that’s what would be good for me. I will feel safe and trust that this is a connection that will last a long time, because I like, want and need stability in my life. I will not have any friendships to mourn because I’m ok with not having many deep, close friendships.

And all this is not because not because I’m falling for the “relationship escalator” from amatonormativity or any of its other influences/demands, but because I require certain accommodations due to my mental illnesses and trauma. And because I know what would work best for me, personally.

As someone (the only person actually!) wrote well in the tags of that post:

#Yeah I was gonna say like #i know it’s annoying af when you feel like you’re loosing friends to the honey-moon-phase/young love relationships #where ppl in them Only have eyes for the other person and u feel expendable #but once you reach adulthood I guarantee 90% of it is bc ppl are basically FORCED to prioritize the person they’re building a life with #like regardless of if it’s romantic or a qpr or whatever. a partnership takes a LOT of work and a LOT of time #trying to sync up your life with someone and maintaining a relationship with that level of involvement is not a casual matter #so I absolutely can’t find myself blaming friends for the loss of our friendship when western society and capitalism #smothers every ounce of personal time and then solely encourages/rewards the remainder of whatever time they have left #be spent with their life partner #if your time is so severely choked by capitalism then of COURSE you’re gonna prioritize the one whose strength determines the stability o f#your life #of COURSE you’re gonna choose to dedicate that time to the person who’s most accessible because you don’t have the energy or the scheduling #to socialize outside of work or home life #i think it’s important to let ourselves mourn the loss of relationships to amatonormivity but in doing so I think we also need #to be kind to each other and realize that the issue is not only societal but systemic as well #i promise you that humanity is social to its core and most of us don’t want to relinquish friendships in favor for the nuclear model #we want friends we want acquaintances and mentors and partnership and community #but we’re forced to pick the one that capitalism can benefit best from #queer stuff

Capitalism aside - and it is such a huge problem in the matters of relationships, to start and maintain them - there’s nothing wrong in wanting to prioritize people who are closest to you, and not being able to deepen all other relationships. There’s just so much one person can do and, believe me, when you deal with mental and chronic illnesses it becomes much, much harder to do pretty much anything.

Call me toxic, abusive or a bad friend for wanting what I want, but give me an alternative then. Something that would work for me. I’m already in therapy and going through all kinds of treatments I could find and afford.

I don’t complain about people having their own relationships and lives to prioritize. It’s possible to find people like you, who are more compatible for you and your relationship needs. There’s many different people. There’s many different relationships. There’s no right or wrong way to connect with others I guess.

Ps.: I have no issue with any individual or community. I believe the queer community will only truly thrive when everyone start working together, that includes aro, ace, aroace, polyam people and anyone under those spectrums. I speak for no one but myself. If something I say is out of place, I welcome people to correct me in good faith.

#inanis post

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kalinara · 3 years

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I had a thought about Ted and Rebecca, and particularly his inability or unwillingness to confide in her this season, and I think there’s a context that I was overlooking.

And that’s that there’s a couple of times in season 1 where he does try to connect with Rebecca on an emotional level, to disclose personal information, and gets pretty clearly rejected.

The first one that stands out in my mind is in For the Children. Rebecca doesn’t want to hear his folksy anecdote about wearing pajamas to prom. And I mean, I don’t blame her for that. She’s genuinely preoccupied and busy. And Ted seems fine with that. It’s not a big deal.

The second one though is at the beginning of Tan Lines. Ted starts opening up to Rebecca about his marriage difficulties. This is where we’re introduced to “Oklahoma”, the fact that couples’ therapy did not go well for Ted at least, and the idea that Michelle found his optimism “too much”.

And Rebecca’s response is to ask if this is because of her own disclosures at the auction, replies with “lesson learned” and admits she does not like this closeness.

It’s understandable that, given Rebecca’s arc at the time, she really doesn’t want a human connection to the man who will be collateral damage in her revenge plot. And it’s an amusing scene in the context of the episode.

But what is Ted’s takeaway from all of this: that Rebecca doesn’t want to hear his problems.

Later in season two, they commiserate their distrust of therapy. He asks if there’s something she wants to get off her chest and she denies it completely. He does too. And it probably reinforces the idea all over again that Rebecca really doesn’t want to hear his problems.

I’m not blaming Rebecca for this, by the way. I think if she had any idea that he might see it this way, she’d be horrified and do anything she could to convince him otherwise.

It’s ultimately why I’m more worried about Ted than Rebecca. Rebecca hasn’t taken the step to start seeing Sharon, but she DOES have people she can confide in. Keeley and Higgins will happily and warmly listen to anything she wants to get off her chest. They’ve seen her at her worst and she knows that nothing she tells them can be worse than that.

I don’t think Ted really has that with anyone. He has friends of course. He and Beard are practically two halves of the same mind, but a lot goes unspoken between them. And well, Beard has his own issues. The Diamond Dogs are great, but they’re more problem-solution oriented.

Huh, it occurs to me that the whole “girl talk” scene in Goodbye Earl is relevant here. Specifically this line:

“ Okay, so rule number two is sometimes girl talk can just be blabbing away about stuff, and nothing has to really change, and no one has to solve anything?”

Is this another example of how toxic masculinity damages men, that even someone as sweet and earnest and empathetic as Ted has no idea that this kind of communication/friendship can even exist?

I think so many characters WOULD be this for Ted, including Rebecca, if they had any idea that he wanted or needed it. But I don’t think he knows that he can ask for it.

#ted lasso #theodore lasso #this meta kind of meandered off field #sorry

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antiochean · 2 years

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hey! another rika and vanderwood enjoyer :-D! i love the semi-realistic way you draw MM characters (which is to say is an art style that is rarely ever seen in this fandom, unfortunately)! may i ask what are your thoughts on the other MM characters and/or their respective routes--or, instead, if that's alright w/ you, could you share more of your CMC Jake Park? so far, i'm interested in Bleeding Paint and I can't wait to see more of it :-)!

Anon I am kicking my legs around in my bed hugging my pillow like a schoolgirl bc this is the first ask I've gotten in this sideblog and it is literally so sweet and I'm so excited to have gotten it

Because of that you will have to endure me discussing every single topic you brought up in great detail

1. So glad to hear from another Rika and Vanderwood enjoyer. I get pretty self-conscious about liking Rika because of all the negativity, but the truth is that she's a major comfort character for me. When I realized what she meant with all of her talk about darkness after therapy one night I cried for hours LMAO it was a major milestone in my mental health journey.

And that event is actually what made me start writing bleeding paint, AND this is the part where I tell you that if you like Rika and Vanderwood, the good news is that they're the two love interests in the fic. But the bad news is that Rika and Jake's relationship is Extremely toxic. Radioactive. But the good news again is that with Vanderwood, it's the opposite.

2. Thank you for complimenting my art style :)) If my different background means I'm bringing something new to the table, then I'm ecstatic to provide.

3. My opinions on the other characters are!! Difficult to word, because until a couple months ago I hadn't played since Ray's route came out, and this year I've only replayed another story and Seven's route. I'll try my best to give you a summary, though.

Zen and Yoosung: my B plot KINGS. Where would I be without you. Adorable brotherly dynamic. A much needed wholesome break from all the angst. I would die for you.

Jaehee: her role as the Straight Man is executed extraordinarily, in my opinion, because of how often she's just tired. It's so realistic and it makes you feel for her so much. But when she's something else instead of tired, she absolutely slays, it really sticks out. AND I would like to say I think the way her voice changes when she starts fangirling about musicals is ADORABLE. I've been in love with this woman since I was 17.

Jumin: I HAVE THE MOST CONFLICTING FEELINGS ABT HIM OUT OF ANYONE ELSE. Okay stay with me for this one but I'm a hardcore anarco-communist. Which means there are multiple points in the game where, if he were in front of me, I would grab him by the neck and shake him like in that Simpsons bit. Shut up about the free market shut up about the free market. He's so privileged and his lack of empathy means he only alienates himself further and further. So on one side I feel extreme frustration and anger towards him. Then on the other, the emotional maturity of this character is unparalleled. He is, like, completely actualized. On top of Maslow's entire shit. While in Another Story, some of his dialogue has been having me awestruck. I think that IRL, Jumin and I would have the kind of dynamic where we would be able to talk until 3 AM and not realize it. So yeah man I don't know. He's on both sides of the love and hate spectrum for me at the same time.

707: what can I tell you about my bestest boy in the whole world? I would not change a thing about him. He can have my entire house and life and hand in marriage.

V: in my opinion. Okay look. God. I don't have any strong *feelings* about V. But I have very strong opinions.

If you asked me to list any other characters who display the level of emotional complexity his guy has going on, I'd have very few examples.

But the execution of the concept falls short for me.

How many days does the game have in total? Think about it: He's the MOST STUBBORN FRUSTRATING MAN TO DEAL WITH IN THE WHOLE WORLD for ALL but 3 of them, the 3 days at the end of his route. He's a goddamn broken record. Furthermore, his route is so focused on the backstory MC wasn't there for, that it forgets to tell you why you two should feel a bond at all.

It's hard for me to suspend my disbelief and look past all that to enjoy the potential he had.

Saeran: SE Saeran is one of my faves :)) he's not my type in his route, but his portrayal of mental illness matters a lot to me. I have talked to my therapist about Saeran.

4: IT'S JAKE TIME - GET ABSOLUTELY SILLY

Where can I start with Jake William Park. Well first off, he's a bitch. Second off, he had his bisexual awakening in a sasunaru forum post at age 12. Third off. See that picture? He has a septum gauge and, while shitfaced one night, put a silly straw in it. He then couldn't get it out, had a panic attack, and ended up in the hospital.

He was born in Canada. When he was 8, his parents got divorced and his dad moved back to Korea while he stayed. Now he's in Korea as an exchange student for his senior undergrad year.

He's a literature major. He's Extremely pretentious about art. He has a cat named Rodya (nicknamed Rascalnikov). He dabbles in writing horror, but is mainly aiming at becoming a professor.

His superiority complex is his most annoying flaw. He thinks he's so smart and his taste is the only correct one and he's a different grade of human being from most people. He can be mean about it (he bullies Yoosung).

The meanness ties into another flaw of his, which is that he thinks showing emotion is a weakness.

His first version was much goofier and careless and dressed a little bit differently. In Another Story, he becomes what I've come to refer to as Traumajake. The kidnapping and cult stuff really gets to him, he's almost killed or cleansed. And he decides that, if Rika wants a boytoy, then he will be the perfect boytoy until he can get out alive. He pretends to develop Stockholm syndrome - but he's not every worried about it, because he's FAR too smart to develop it for real. Right? Hilarity ensues.

By the time he's rescued, half of him doesn't even want to be. For the rest of the fic, he struggles to find a balance between emotion and reason.

There's a lot I'm leaving out, but this is already far too long and I doubt anyone will read it LMAO

5. I appreciate you mentioning Bleeding Paint a lot!! I have no evidence anyone ever read it and sometimes it makes me embarassed to keep posting sjdaskdjkjds but if just one person has given it their time of day, that's good enough for me :))

Tysm for the ask.

#robin.txt #asks #jake park

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life-rewritten · 4 years

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THARNTYPE 7 YEARS; THE CHEATING DISAGREEMENT

So I finally emerge out of the dark and show up to talk and discuss TharnType Episode 10. It was first, a traumatic episode for me, as in I was left feeling baffled, angry and disappointed, but I actually have rewatched it later, and I have my own opinion of this mess of a show. It might be a mess, but it's my mess, and I still love it very much, weird because anyone who saw episode 10 came out feeling outraged and I do get that, I do, I'm not going to pretend or defend what's wrong however TharnType has never been a show that has lied to us, it's always been about problematic flawed people in serious need of therapy, who end up falling in love and use love as their end all be all, their comfort, strength, and the thing that saves them. It's nice to think about a love that feels like your support and soulmate, someone to rely on, your everything, your loyal devoter, etc., it's nice to have that but if you're of a broken mindset where you have so many scars and trauma to deal with it brings a question of are you ready to be in a relationship, shouldn't you learn to be alone and happy first without anyone, shouldn't you be healthy before you do meet the one? I think this episode exposed these questions about TT because even after 7 years of love, they couldn't avoid the inevitable, they still had a lot of trauma, pain and insecurities to deal with before they can even be ready for marriage. In my opinion they really all need therapy even LeoFiat before they can stay with each other however TT has always been an escape to a fantasy about love stories, so we're going to deal with these issues pretty quickly; TT will get married, LeoFiat will stay together etc. And to be honest as much as in reality it makes me uncomfortable; no one should be going into this show for reality, advise or role models, you won't get that, what you'll get is a risky story about trauma, pain and love at the front of it all, and that's for you to decide if you can handle it, the dark parts, the defective parts and the questionable parts. I dealt with my own problems with it which I will be discussing but at the same time these problems have always been foreshadowed and told, no one should be surprised at any of the actions of this show, no one should be triggered into thinking people would think what they're doing is right (This show is meant to be 18+ I think, no sane adult would think what Type did to Fiat is correct). Still, I do understand both sides so here's my analysis on this episode, especially the cheating disagreement, who's right or who's wrong in this situation? Should Type be so angry? Should Tharn be so dramatic? Answer none of them is correct. Let's discuss it in detail.

TharnType: The Cheating Disagreement

Let's begin with Mr Tharn as usual. I remember in one of my first analysis, I mentioned that after 7 Years TharnType had become less toxic, more communicative, trying hard not to regress to their past immaturity and mistakes. And the thing is that that hasn't changed, from episode 2-9 TT have tried hard to grow and mature and be with each other, there were moments where they were tested like Type with his own regression and scars because of his boss and with Tharn we could tell something was looming with the marriage disagreement. And that's the thing with TT, they were in love, healthy, and happy, but the thing is; in TT 7 Years the show is about them having to face and deal with their internal scars.

Take Type, for example, he's had to the whole season to face barriers and blockages of his reasons for marriage, dealing with his past fears, his homophobic past and worries about reputation and more all connected to season 1 from his past, he had to face it head-on because he had a boss that forced him to deal with it, as he came through it and had to be without Tharn, he discovered that he wanted to be with Tharn all the time, couldn't live without him etc., And so he was ready to now cross the line and accept the proposal, for him it didn't matter about the checklist anymore because he wanted to be with Tharn no matter what. That was his lesson.

Meanwhile, Tharn was quiet yet loud, perfect yet full of holes, he was calm but something was brooding, the marriage disagreement showed that in his head he was scared, possessive and wanted Type to be his forever. His issue was always buried, almost forgotten but always there the scar of Lhong, Tar, San, Type and others. People forget that Tharn still had a mindset somewhere, where he was the one who was the most devoted and obsessed with Type, because of how they started; he stayed in the thought that he couldn't lose Type, so he never dealt with his own issues, he didn't deal with what happens when his fears come through (by Fiat, who's playing the role of being forceful like Type's boss), what happens when he and Type reach an impasse of miscommunication, and he loses Type, what happens when he hears that word again break up. It drove him back in episode 10 to his most significant, scariest and traumatised moments, he was not okay, but it had to come out before he and Type fully devoted themselves to each other. For 7 Years Tharn was not fully healed just like Type, Tharn was still insecure about Type's love for him, the instability of their relationship (will explain why he had every right to be) and more. Tharn had to deal with it when he saw Fiat kiss Type; it wasn't meant to be easy, it was something bubbling in him since episode 1 when Type refused the marriage proposal. Let's look deeper into Tharn's mindset.

There's a lot to unpack, so for the first time my essays may not follow linearly but bare with me I have a lot to analyse with this episode so it may be a bit all over the place. First of all, let's flashback to the past a similar situation to this one, before that remember Tharn asks Type in anger, "how would you have felt if it was me in that position". And the thing is we know how he would have felt we've seen it happen before; San.

The problem with San VS The problem with Fiat

In season 1 of TT, after TT gets together and Type refuses to cross the line with their relationship, defining the relationship, San shows up and starts to make Type jealous and angry. Type warns Tharn to stay away from San, they even fight about the breakup situation and Tharn tells Type; "I don't like that word it triggers me", okay not in those words but like that. Type and Tharn makeup, Type tells Tharn; don't do anything with San, that will make me angry. Listen carefully to how this scene unfolds:

Cut to Type excited to cook Tharn's dish as they just made up, he proceeds to walk out.

He sees San pull Tharn in a kiss.

Tharn pushes away.

Type runs and punches Tharn not San for cheating.

Reasons why Type beats and deals with Tharn, not San:

One, San was at their home (he wasn't meant to let San have any opportunities to be close to him anymore knowing what he's up to).

Tharn let San get in the position to kiss him (he shouldn't have been that vulnerable he should have been suspicious and worried).

They've discussed about it before; for them cheating is not something that would break them up thbut they'd face it head-on with each other before letting the other go. I know, right? We also see this confirmation later when in pettiness and anger Type makes Tharn jealous in the club, Tharn proceed to show his possessive nature (which is a flaw hence it's not a surprise to his reaction at this scene with Fiat) and Type warns him that he shouldn't cheat, Type won't cheat; no one is going to break up, but there will be issues and problems with it. Alright stay with me

THE MINDSET OF THARN

Let's go back to episode 10. Tharn has just again wanted to surprise Type (like Type wanted to with Tharn in season 1), proceeds to drive to work sees Fiat kiss Type (someone he already had doubts about will explain more) and his mind shuts down, and he proceeds to go to Type and blame him for being in the position. He believes the only explanation (since his head is unclear) is Type cheated on him. Let's pause.

A Mind Full of Doubt and Anger

First of all, Tharn was already on the way to Type to inquire about Fiat. We just didn't see it, bare with me, Fiat uploaded the picture of him getting drunk with Type and Tharn confirmed with PJeed in a previous episode that Type was out in the same bar drinking with someone. Tharn already had worries we just didn't see it. When Tharn returned home, and he set the table for the marriage proposal (I think he was going to wait for Type to come home and then propose) he saw Fiat's pen, and that's what got him to drive over to the hospital to check on Type. He was already driving there in doubt and rage and possessiveness; his mind blanked once he saw the final straw; Fiat's kiss. Okay back to the mirroring with the San problem, just like the same reason Type punched Tharn not San in season 1, Tharn took it out on Type.

Fiat had been in their home (they don't let anyone apart from Techno and friends in their home when they're together, they mention it, Type also gets anxious about Fiat finding him because he and Tharn don't let strangers in knowing they get jealous and also are protective, so people like Fiat don't get in), without an explanation. Fiat is Type's patient he shouldn't be there; it's a weird relationship, there should be no reason whatsoever for his pen to be at their house (also Type confirms he was there when his face shifts and he remembers what happened and Tharn notices that shift/guilt). Two, Fiat being at their home means Type let him in, means Type was comfortable with him (Type isn't comfortable with anyone in their home apart from Techno) to invite him in. Again it's an odd relationship for a patient and a doctor to have.

Fiat and Type had gone to the bar to drink. This is reason 2, letting your self in opportunities with someone you know has feelings for you or having a clue, hang around you. Being vulnerable enough to be in that position. This is hardest one Tharn has to believe because Type isn't someone easily vulnerable with people, one he has trauma about letting himself be that way, being so drunk he has no conscious, two he made it difficult for Tharn to break down his walls when they started and he doesn't actually open up to Tharn without Tharn forcing his way to the truth (we see this repeatedly this season), so why on earth would Type be with not his friends, with no one but Fiat, drunk and in a bar alone? It just doesn't add up when Type knows to avoid situations like this. Just like Type punched Tharn for giving San the opportunity to kiss him despite knowing his intentions, Tharn also got mad at Type for the same reason.

There was an actual kiss. Type actually let himself be in the position to be kissed by Fiat; despite both he and Tharn knowing they don't like cheating or scandals to do with it. Type is shocked Tharn thinks he will cheat, but really the thing is Tharn was already holding onto so much anger and doubt that when he saw the kiss, he didn't know what to think. And just like Type, he lashed out, it didn't mean he thought the relationship would break in fact he warns Fiat to stay away. Otherwise, he'd hurt him so he can go shout and lash out at Type, Type apologises, and they get back together. For TharnType cheating does not lead to break up, just a break down in communication which needs to be fixed. Unfortunately, Tharn's accusations hurt Type's pride and made him worry about how Tharn views him so he couldn't quickly settle he had to suggest the dreaded word they already fought about, something he knows triggers Tharn because they fought about it because of San, Type suggests a break and refuses to speak to Tharn after until he deals with Fiat. Like how dumb and inconsiderate can you be? Sorry both their actions give me stress, but Type, Type's activities made no sense to me despite the fact I will also break down his mindset soon.

So Tharn ends up broken being afraid to be loved, head shut down and filled with doubts and fears about their relationship because it's his turn to regress, it's his turn to become his worst version of himself. Type did that with the boss, but Tharn had to do that because of Fiat. So we see him alone, wandering aimlessly, drinking himself to tears because he's triggered by the fear that Type would end their relationship. Is it healthy? No, their dependency in this episode really became toxic and that's why I say okay this show has a great love base but really the love stories as beautiful and desirable as they are when happy, it's also toxic because they're too dependant on each other for my liking.

A Tired and Exhausted Mind

Now the San vs Fiat issue isn't the only clues Mame left this episode to make you truly understand that Tharn wasn't being overdramatic, he was psychologically broken. He was dealing with it in the way he knows how; to think he's undeserving of love etc. But another clue left is dialogue as with this show. When Tharn firsts blame Type on the cheating, he lets him know what's in his head about the situation, three quotes

"I thought you were sick." "I thought you needed me." "I rushed back from work tired and exhausted to get to you to see you doing this"

Now at first, you'll question why does this explain why Tharn struggles to accept the cheating dilemma as just a fluke. Well, here's why.

I thought you were sick:

First of all remember the reason why Tharn was rushing over in the car is because he started to question or have doubts about Fiat and Type, he'd seen Fiat before at the mall in episode 4, he'd seen the pictures and also probably the pen. The issue is on the phone when Type called him and told him he missed him and was waiting for him to come home, Type was sick, was vulnerable, was making him worried. However Tharn thought that it made it even worse because if Type was sick, he should have stayed at home, shouldn't have been drinking with Fiat, shouldn't let his patient in their home, and shouldn't be out here kissing said patient. Tharn still thought Type was not well, yet he had allowed his vulnerable self be close to Fiat which again is not something Type does typically. It meant there was some kind of trust, relationship shared with Fiat and Type that Tharn didn't know of, and his hazy and afraid mindset could only think of cheating.

I thought you needed me.

This one is pretty obvious. Tharn has an issue with not being loved; it's been the whole storyline of his, from season 1, when he was traumatised repeatedly in the past by Lhong to believe he was unlovable, to always never having someone who wants/needs him the way he wants/needs them, to always be the one who devotes all he has to be left. For Tharn he feels useless because of his past scars because of this very reason. When Type showed up things shifted, he was the perfect, lovable boyfriend, dependable, rich, sweet, loyal, even when Type didn't open up to him about his issues, Tharn went behind the scenes to help him solve them. He's been doing everything he can for Type, the work, the secret spies, everything to be useful to Type and yet he realised Type opened up to someone else, Type relied on someone else for comfort, Type wanted someone else to talk to and drink with. It felt messed up, and so he got into his fears about not being needed and started to think what Type wanted was Fiat not him; it's why he blames Type for cheating, Type already showed him the proof he wanted Fiat by being vulnerable with him in all the weak spots, without consciousness (being drunk), at his actual home (his safest space) and letting him physically cross the line with his body (the kiss). Tharn could not understand it at all hence the constant blame and questioning

I rushed back home tired and exhausted.

Thinking about what Tharn had been planning for Type, you understand more why this is even more of a big deal. They've had this marriage disagreement something that made Tharn question the stability of their relationship, the confirmation of Type's certainty, and if they were on the right page with what they want. The marriage disagreement was already making him flashback to their past where Type wasn't sure about crossing the line with them. Unfortunately going back to the past despite it being seven years later, Tharn hadn't dealt with the breakups, the fights and the issues with Type even if they were happy. To be honest, the fights, his begging and kneeling for Type to be his wasn't a good memory, he was continually trying to push it down, to see their love as equal but some part of Tharn couldn't believe it (because of his trauma of being left and because of the instability of his and Type's relationship).

An insecure and hazy mind

Type was hiding their relationship, opening up situations for people to believe they were single for the whole 7 years before the boss dilemma, it made Tharn angry, tired and frustrated but he was patient because he had told Type in the flashbacks (also crucial to this episode) that he'd wait when he's ready. So Tharn was already anxious about Type accepting the proposal, confirming the status of what their relationship is next, becoming public etc., because it was all that plagued his mind. But also Tharn was working hard because he knew Type was fired/quit from the hospital and needed security and stability that they'd be fine, he went to the 2 weeks work trip so he can work hard tirelessly to ensure he and Type were set for the future, he stayed up all night, refused contact and stayed focus exhausted, and the first thing he did when he rushed back was do a big show of his declaration of love despite the fact he was tired and needed to rest. His mind was exhausted, so it was easily vulnerable and was easily going to shut down due to signs of stress, he wasn't thinking properly because all he could think about was Type and he came back to seeing Type cheat. I did mention that one thing Mame was foreshadowing with TT (check previous essays here) was that Tharn's show of emotions was always going to be hasty, rushed, at the wrong time when Type had to deal with things, because of this it would cause chaos first of all, (like we see in episode 10) and second Type won't show consideration to his efforts making him feel mistreated/taken for granted.

A scene of this is Type taking the roses he bought to propose and throwing on the floor, and proceeding to mention the dreaded break up word before suggesting a break and walking out; It was inconsiderate because Type knows how Tharn reacts to that (Tharn's brain literally shut down again when Type asked him if he was breaking up with him) but even still Type proceed to throw away one of his efforts and walk out instead of pleading for Tharn to calm down, for him to let him be away so they can discuss better the next day. Type should not have left Tharn alone (naturally being apart is better for them but not in this shows lore where love is the most crucial thing and communication), Type should have gone to sleep and left Tharn to his thoughts no matter how much Tharn was being ridiculous and hurtful; he knows he and Tharn have been through this before (with Tar forcefully kissing Tharn) and he knows how Tharn reacts with this attitude. That's an example of how Type is inconsiderate to Tharn's feelings because of pride, stubbornness (waiting for Tharn to apologise first) and pettiness (to focus on Fiat first).

Like my previous analysis, this whole show has been about miscommunication of their internal scars, both misunderstanding each other's actions that stem from their own way to protect what they have but the other person sees it as an obstacle nonchalance to the other's efforts. Type is hurt because Tharn doubts his love when all he has been doing is missing him for the whole time, that he even got lovesick and lost his mind because of it, and Tharn is hurt because Type doesn't understand why he had to question and blame him, and he left him alone with the words break up and take a break. It wasn't right for both. Hence the dilemma.

THE MINDSET OF TYPE

Now I think it's pretty apparent why Type is hurt by Tharn so I won't focus on his perspective on the cheating disagreement; it's the same like he said word for word, how could Tharn not trust him after seven years, why would he think Type is capable of that when their love for each other is everlasting, and why would he refuse to trust him. Obvious stuff, let's focus on the other dilemma with Type—the revenge of Fiat.

Now to say I was appalled by this is an understatement, one Fiat is young like 7-10 years younger than these lot, so it's uncomfortable to see grown men (apart from Cir who didn't like taking part) agree with Type that although this is extreme, it's the correct thing to do. Two, Type is Fiat's doctor, like this is such a weird line to cross with your patient, not professional, scary and psychologically damaging as a doctor it breaks a lot of codes that's for sure, and three Leo standing there and letting this happen to Fiat just frustrates me all the more. So I want people to know I am against this before I actually start breaking it down in Type's point of view, this behaviour is not okay by any means, Type has never been meant to be a correct, moral character, he's always been problematic, harsh, volatile from season 1, this is nothing new. He risks things when it comes to revenge and anger; he takes it too far to make sure the person learns a lesson. Let's look into that warped mind of his and his reasons for why he did this:

A Frustrated and Desperate Mind

When Type thinks of what to do in the situation, it's important to note it was Techno and Champ that gave him the idea of what to do. Not the way but the idea to focus on Leo and Fiat. I was upset of course he should deal with Tharn first since that guy isn't stable whenever he's sacrificed for these acts, he's never okay every time it happens, he wasn't okay when Type broke up their relationship and left him with scars because of Lhong, and he wasn't okay when Type kept avoiding him and leaving him to stay worried they would break up. Like I said it's inconsiderate of Type. But Techno is the person who tells Type to deal with Fiat, in fact, to make sure Type deals with Fiat. Champ is who tells Type Leo likes Fiat and they should get them together to deal with the issue. Now look at Type's mindset; he needs to:

Find a way to get rid of Fiat for good. That boy isn't budging even when faced with moral dilemmas like stealing one's boyfriend, even when Tharn is telling him to stop he's still asking if I don't? He's a pest.

Get Leo and Fiat together: In a way, Fiat and Leo remind Type of him and Tharn's crazy, stupid and toxic beginnings, because of Type's stupidity and actions Tharn had to suffer constantly for them to be together. Fiat reminded Type of himself when he was little; he is protective of him even if people don't like that, he sees himself like an older brother, all he hates is Fiat doesn't get no for an answer that he doesn't want problems with Tharn but hearing about a love story filled with obstacles; Type wanted to help because it reminded him of Tharn and him; younger and dumber and toxic.

Get revenge on Fiat: This isn't surprising when you think about what the show, this season has shown us about Type. (Yes he matured and grew but there were clues he won't take what Fiat did likely), one he doesn't like people who try to ruin what he and Tharn have, they have been through this crap before with so many people it's not even funny, he doesn't have the time, they must know when they cross the line. Two, He is shown to be manipulative, cunning, sneaky, violent and harsh when it comes to protecting Tharn and him for Lhong he was willing to sacrifice for a bit Tharn's happiness, and his so he got revenge and got rid of Lhong. Three he's been this way petty, vindictive and violent when it comes to cheating issues since season 1, he doesn't like the feeling of fear and worries it causes both him and Tharn to have. It makes him angry and determined to teach people a lesson. Is that right? No, but it's been Type since day one, even seven years later for Tharn? It's Type. Type hasn't had to show how he is when someone threatens to ruin Tharn this season, we've only seen him grow because Tharn is safe and okay, but you saw how he reacted with the boss. No one messes with Tharn not even Fiat. He has to be taught a lesson.

A Determined and Helpful? Mind

So with these three thoughts in mind and a determination to teach Leo also a lesson about the seriousness of his actions, Type took it too far and planned a way to scare Fiat into confessing. Leo let him because it's his older P', he knows more about relationships. Remember, Fiat and Leo are young and inexperienced with all this. The way to do this, to get into Fiat's brain that he should stop, that Leo should stop letting Fiat stay a villain, and stop being a coward is through Fear. Type's actions in drugging, and staging a kidnap and threatening to harm Fiat is not okay, but it's enough to make Fiat know Type isn't to be messed with again (gets rid of him), it makes Fiat finally accept the error of his ways and confess to why he does what he does, lamenting about the fact that Leo never loved him. Leo overhears and realises all the pain he put Fiat through by being a coward (gets them together) and three it teaches Fiat a lesson for hurting Tharn (gets revenge) it's that simple, not right but it is that understandable.

Again Type isn't meant to be moral, he's a bad guy, he's a flawed character, toxic and problematic everyone in this show is, so yes it's uncomfortable, but TT has never been a show that is comfortable even if season 2 made you think it could be clues were telling you TT had a lot of pent up aggression, pain, and sadness from their past they had to deal with, and if someone triggers their regression that person pays for it as Lhong did, As Fiat did. Type has never been a saint, so I get the outrage, but it's 100% his character to do this.

Phu and Cir: The antithesis of TT and LF

Again the theme of this season is communication. And people have wondered why Phu and Cir are in the show, and I remembered telling you all that their scenes are meant to parallel and show a different mirroring to TT's relationship, in episode 1, it was to make Tharn feel angry that he and Type weren't out and full of PDA like they were in public, in two it was to showcase to us a dependable relationship despite parental problems, and in this episode, it was to showcase how communication works. Why all the other couples even ChampKhun (they aren't yet confessing how they feel), weren't progressing because they refused to communicate about their scars, fears and worries. Cir and Phu fought but made up after communicating and letting each other know they trust and devote themselves to each other. It's what TT and LF should do. LF finally got a chance for that and have gotten together, but TT will get there next week episode.

There's so much I can write about this episode. I'm probably going to write a LeoFiat analysis too because so much to say about their story. In the end, TT 7 Years is a journey, can be painful and worrying because it gets dark, but it's just like TT Season 1, nothing has changed, I know it's hard to want to like a show where the characters are so flawed, broken, unhealthy and problematic but there's a reality that TT aren't perfect characters, they're all human in a way despite their horrible actions, it's not okay, but I've never come into this show expecting saints, and warriors and heroes. I've expected three-dimensional flawed characters that make me question morals, psychological discussions and villains and what makes one, and it's why I like the show, it takes risks, it isn't perfect, the writing is not the best, but I stand with the fact the show is more profound than you all think. Mame has moments where she can be a good writer her vision for TT however wasn't done well, and I think it's her fault and the director (The problem with Mame), but I still get her vision, after all, I was right about LeoFiat since episode 3 if you follow the clues and the subtext the show isn't that surprising it's just a part 2 (not sequel) to TT S1, it's a conclusion to their story, you have to watch S1 and S2 together to understand why and how the characters act how they do. When you do the show makes more sense, you see the mirrors (like the flashbacks this episode weren't just there for cute moments but to show you Tharn's thoughts about their relationship, each moment we saw a cute moment reflected an issue; with San before that scene, a cheating conversation, a let's be boyfriends conversation etc.) all pointing to the disagreements the show has; the marriage disagreement (crossing the line to a new status) or the cheating disagreement (possessiveness and past scars). Everything has been built up since season 1. So yes I'm still here supporting the show, I know this won't get a lot of notes, a lot of people don't want to keep watching, and I don't blame you, but I still like this show. I haven't changed my mind. Let me know what you think if you're still watching the show, who is wrong in the cheating disagreement? How did you feel about Type vs Fiat? Let's discuss. See you next episode.

#tharntype #tharntype 2: 7 years of love #thai bl #mewgulf #bl series #bl drama #leofiat #cwg #january

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pickalilywrites · 3 years

Note

I wanted to request a (short) fic, I hope you like the idea and feel like writing it. I was thinking of Petra and Auruo going to relation therapy, because they always bicker like an old married couple. Not because their relationship has grown toxic or anything bad happened, but just to make it stronger, and they finally realize all the good of their relationship. So, happiness! Or... give it a twist if you want to. Hope you like the idea enough to write it.

hi hi! sorry this was supposed to be written quickly, but time has gotten the best of me ^^" i hope you still enjoy~ and thank you for requesting auruo, i know i don't write them often !

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Love Like Crazy

Petruo. Modern AU.

4326 words.

Read on Ao3!

Someone sets a bouquet down on Rolf’s desk and the overworked employee looks up at the culprit warily.

“Did you ask me to cover for you so you could buy a bouquet?” Rolf asks with a frown. The flowers are dripping on his desk, the growing puddle underneath the bouquet threatening to get his papers wet, but he’s too tired to even ask his friend to remove them. “And you didn’t even bother to buy me one flower in thanks?”

“Sorry,” Erich says sheepishly. The selfish bastard had asked Rolf to cover his work while he dipped from the office before work hours ended, practically running out of the office before Rolf could give him a proper answer. Now he’s returned, five minutes before everyone leaves for work, with this bouquet and still no explanation.

“So if those aren’t for me, who are they for?” Rolf asks as he types away at a document. Hopefully, he can finish this report before he leaves. He hates staying past 5 or leaving a task midway. “You don’t have a girlfriend as far as I know and you …” He pauses, his fingers idle on the keyboard. As he realizes who the flowers must be for, his eyes widen and he turns towards his friend in alarm. “Don’t tell me they’re for -”

“They are,” Erich confirms without an ounce of shame. He picks up his bouquet and smiles down at the assortment of flowers. His fingers rub the petal of a blush-colored rose. “Of course, they’re for Petra. Who else would they be for?”

“She’s married,” Rolf says. His expression is one of disbelief as if he can’t quite believe how stupid his friend is. “She’s been married for years. High school sweethearts, she and her husband. She wears her ring all the time. How can you think this is a good idea?”

Erich’s lower lip sticks out in a childish pout. Rather than come to his senses, he becomes defensive, turning away from Rolf slightly as if to protect himself from his friend’s logic. “Why wouldn’t it be a good idea?” Erich scoffs with an upturned nose. “She and her husband fight all the time. Don’t you hear her complain about him with her friends in the break room?”

“Yes, but they’re still married,” Rolf stresses. He shakes his head. There’s no way he’s going to be able to finish his work, not now when he has to deal with Erich’s hopelessly romantic shenanigans. “You can’t just start an affair. Don’t you feel guilty at all?”

“Their marriage has been over a long time ago,” Erich sniffs disdainfully. He doesn’t look the least bit guilty. In fact, he looks quite proud of himself, although Rolf has no idea why he would be. “They see a marriage counselor, did you know that? I overheard her talking about it once with Rico during their lunch break. If her marriage weren’t on the rocks, do you think she’d be seeing a counselor?”

Rolf can’t help but roll his eyes, but Erich doesn’t seem to notice. “You really should stop eavesdropping on her conversations. You’ll be crossing a line if you haven’t already,” Rolf mutters. Erich either doesn’t hear or doesn’t care, so Rolf tries again. “If they’re seeing a counselor, then maybe it means they’re trying to work it out together. If it’s not the case that they’re trying to manage their relationship together, then what makes you think she’s open to starting a new relationship? And with you of all people?”

Somehow, it’s that very last question that Erich takes offense at.

“What do you mean ‘me of all people’?” Erich repeats incredulously. He straightens his back and puffs his chest out, a poor attempt to make himself seem more impressive than he actually is. “I’d be a huge improvement over her sad excuse of a husband. I’m charming, handsome, thoughtful …” His voice trails off as he tries to think of more adjectives to describe himself. When he doesn’t manage to find any, he waves the bouquet in Rolf’s face as if this material display of affection is enough to prove his point.

Rolf flinches when a spray of water hits his face. “Okay, okay,” Rolf splutters, wiping his face with his hand. “Say you’re every woman’s dream man … that still doesn’t mean Petra would be open to a relationship with you. Shouldn’t you, I don’t know, give her room to move on from her current relationship before you pursue her? I mean, isn’t that the courteous thing to do?”

Erich clucks his tongue, chuckling as he shakes his head as if he can’t quite believe how naive Rolf is. “She’s been stuck in that relationship for years. Since high school! If she can’t see how much of a trap it is, then I just have to show her the way.” Erich smooths his hair back with one hand and smirks. “I’ll just sweep her off her feet by being myself.”

As if that’s ever going to work, Rolf wants to say, but he knows Erich is past the point of convincing now. His friend can be as annoyingly stubborn as he is annoyingly stupid. Sometimes, Rolf has learned, it’s just best to let Erich suffer the consequences of his own bad decisions.

“I’m not going to stop you,” Rolf says, “but I hope you know this is a terrible decision.”

“This is going to be the best decision of my life,” Erich says confidently with his head held high. It’s like he’s forgotten every other dumb idea he’s had in his life. Joining a pyramid scheme that he insisted wasn’t a pyramid scheme, drinking a whole bottle of vodka to impress a girl, and running a mile in the rain to prove to everyone how tough he was are just a few examples of Erich’s stupidity. It’s usually harmless and Erich normally doesn’t hurt anyone except for himself. While Petra might not necessarily be harmed by Erich’s annoying advances, she’ll still be at the very least inconvenienced by them, Rolf thinks with a grimace. Honestly, he feels sorry for her.

Erich, of course, just strolls on ahead with his bouquet in hand, his head held high. He hardly pays attention to the slightly annoyed but mostly tired glances from his colleagues as he marches past their cubicles. He’s too focused on his task to even notice when Rico mumbles, “What’s that airhead up to now?” under her breath.

He reaches the front doors and pushes them open, a wide smile on his face as he does so. He breathes in the fresh evening air and it smells like a new beginning. Just up ahead he can see the target of his affections: Petra Ral, his senior coworker. She had just gotten off work and is standing near the front of the office building. She doesn’t see him. Petra’s too busy staring at her phone to pay him any attention. That doesn’t bother Erich one bit though. In fact, he’d rather it be this way. Now he really has the element of surprise on his side, and what woman doesn’t like surprises?

Erich can see how it’ll play out: he’ll tap her on the shoulder and Petra will whirl around, her petal-pink lips in a perfect o-shape because she hadn’t expected to see him. She’ll ask him why he’s there and he’ll say he’d like to walk her home. He’s a gentleman after all. Flattered by his kind gesture, she’ll graciously accept and he’ll present her with the bouquet. He’ll mention how he had just seen them at a nearby flower shop and gotten them because they reminded him of her. A beautiful blush will bloom across her cheeks and she’ll trip over her words as she accepts them. As they walk home together, arms hooked, he’ll suggest they go on a bit of a detour — just a bite of dinner together to thank her for being such a wonderful person to work with — and Petra will giggle and tell him that’s a great idea. Erich will whisk her off to a wonderful restaurant, one he had already made reservations for, and they’ll dine over the most tender cuts of steak and the finest wine. As the night grows dark, he’ll suggest that she come to his place for the night, and she’ll gasp. Curiously, she’ll ask him if he knows she’s married and he’ll give a grave nod and confirm that, yes, he is indeed aware. Erich will then tell her that he’s also aware that her husband doesn’t treat her right, that he’ll never treat her right, and that she should leave her pathetic husband for someone who can give her what she deserves. Overwhelmed by Erich’s sweet words, she’ll allow him to lead her to his apartment where they’ll make sweet love until they collapse in sweet slumber and wake in each other’s arms.

Really, Erich thinks smugly. His plan is almost a little too perfect.

He puts on his most charming smile and reaches out to tap Petra on the shoulder. At his touch, the ginger turns around, but her mouth isn’t shaped in that perfect o-shaped that Erich had imagined. For some reason, her lips are turned downwards in a frown and her brows are knitted together.

“Erich?” Petra says. “What are you doing here? Do you need something?”

Quickly, Erich shakes his head. “No, I just go off work,” he says and clears his throat awkwardly. While he’s disappointed Petra isn’t immediately delighted to see him, he refuses to be deterred. She’s probably just confused as to why he’s here, but he’ll soon clear things up. “I came here for you, actually.”

Still no delighted smile. The frown on Petra’s face just grows deeper and it’s clear that she’s more confused than ever. “But if you came here for me and you don’t need something …” Her voice trails off. “Why are you here then?”

“Because I …” Erich tries to find the words, but they escape him. What an idiot he is, forgetting everything even though he had it all planned in his head. He just needs to tell her everything one at a time and Petra will slowly fall in love with her just as she’s meant to. Later, they’ll laugh about how sweet and awkward he was about asking her out. He just needs to get the words out first.

Erich stands up straighter and clears his throat once more. “I came to give these to you,” he says and thrusts the bouquet towards Petra, who makes no move to reach for it. “I … saw these at the store and thought of you.”

“You really shouldn’t have.” Petra still makes no move to grab the bouquet from him.

Erich smiles wider and moves the bouquet even closer to Petra. “No, just … I’d really like for you to have it. Just think of it as … a token of my appreciation for everything you’ve done in the office,” he says. He bites his lips and offers the bouquet once more, holding his breath until Petra finally accepts it.

“Thanks …” Petra looks down at the bouquet and picks at a flower. The frown is still on her face, but at least she had taken the flowers.

Perhaps Erich hadn’t said everything he had wanted to say — he wasn’t able to even make one comment comparing Petra’s beauty to the flowers — but he knows he should still push onward. It’s clear that Petra doesn’t understand the true message behind the flowers, and Erich just needs to convey his intentions towards her properly.

“If you don’t mind,” he says, trying his best not to let his voice waver, “I’d like to walk you home.”

Petra tilts her head ever so slightly and gives Erich a curious look. Her lips are parted the tiniest bit. Finally, she speaks. “No, thank you,” she says easily.

Erich blinks. He’s not certain he’s heard right. “N-no?” he repeats. “Did you … really just say no thank you?”

Petra’s lip twinges in annoyance. She holds the bouquet rather loosely now, allowing it to dangle from her hand as her arm drops to her side. “I did. I won't question your intentions, but I don't feel comfortable with you walking me home." She pauses and then continues. “My husband is walking me home tonight. He walks me home every night after work.”

It’s not something that Petra has to say out loud. Everyone knows that Petra’s husband always walks her home. The two are always seen walking towards the subway arm-in-arm. Sometimes they bicker, sometimes they don’t. Erich had always scoffed when he saw Petra’s husband: some sandy-haired man with an old-fashioned hairstyle and wearing the plainest clothes. Petra deserves someone young, someone slick, someone handsome, someone a lot like Erich. She should be jumping at the opportunity of being walked home by him.

“You … don’t want me to walk you home?” Erich repeats in disbelief. “But I … I bought you flowers and I …” He doesn’t finish his sentence, his thoughts too scrambled for him to properly articulate his confusion. He runs a frantic hand through his hair, mussing up his perfectly styled locks.

Petra looks disgusted. “I’m married,” she says to Erich. She looks around as if she can’t quite believe what’s happening and then looks back at her coworker, waving her hand in his face. On her ring finger sits her wedding ring, a glittering band of gold encrusted in sparkling diamonds with the biggest one shining in the center. “I’ve been married for years, Erich. I have a husband who is picking me up from work — a husband that picks me up from work every evening — so why would I want to walk home with you, a coworker that I only talk to during work hours?”

Her question stings and Erich flinches as if she had slapped him. “Because you’re not … you’re not happy in your marriage,” he manages to say, although his words tremble. He had thought that this is what Petra would want, so why is she yelling at him? Doesn’t she want someone who can treat her nicely? Why is she clinging to her husband when she complains about him all the time?

Petra scoffs and looks to the sky before returning her gaze towards Erich. Her shoulders slump, tired, and she has one hand on her hip. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about now,” she hisses, and Erich nearly jumps back in surprise. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard Petra curse before. He’s not sure he could have imagined it before now. Petra’s pointing the bouquet at him now, using the bundle of flowers to prod at Erich’s chest. “My marriage, no matter how happy or sad or whatever you think it is, is none of your fucking business, Erich.”

Erich clenches his fist. At first, he was shocked. This isn’t at all how it was supposed to go, but now Petra is cursing at him and acting like he’s poking his nose in things it shouldn’t be. Now, he’s just insulted.

“You complain about your husband all the time! You talk to Rico about what a slob he is! You two go to therapy!” he spits. “There’s no way you could be happy with someone you complain about that much. You’d be better off with someone better than that loser, someone like me!”

Petra’s jaw drops and Erich thinks he’s finally gotten to her, but then she starts to laugh. “Someone ‘better’?” she repeats, scoffing. She looks Erich up and down and gives him a nod. “And you think you’re better? Better how? What do you have to offer me?”

“I’m a gentleman! I can walk you home, too! And I bought you flowers and everything!” Erich says, gesturing towards the bouquet Petra still holds in her hands.

“This? You want me to be impressed by this?” Petra asks, waving the bouquet in his face. She frowns at the bouquet. “You think this will impress me? It’s pathetic, how you think you could win me over with a five-dollar bouquet you found in a bucket at a grocery store.”

Her words send a blush to Erich’s cheeks. He had, in fact, bought the bouquet for a measly five dollars, although he had snagged it from a flower shop that was about to discard them at the end of the day. He hadn’t thought it was that obvious that they weren’t top quality, but they were still nice except for that wilting daisy he forgot to pick out before giving them to Petra. Still, he doesn’t think this is a good reason for Petra to refuse him.

“Don’t you see that I’m giving you a chance?” Erich asks. He has to stop himself from stamping his feet like a child about to throw a tantrum. “I can make you happy in a way that your husband can’t.”

Petra shakes her head. “This fucking kid,” she mutters under her breath. “Look, I’m married. Happily married, even if it doesn’t seem that way to you, so let’s just drop this and forget this ever happened -”

“But he’s such a dick!” Erich bursts. He knows passersby are staring at the couple curiously, but he’s past the point of caring. If people want to see a spectacle, then he’ll make one. Maybe someone will butt in and help convince Petra what a mistake she’s making. “If you’re so unhappy that you’re seeing a counselor for your problems … Petra, you’d have to be crazy to want to stay with him.”

The expression on Petra’s face sends chills up Erich’s eyes. Her usually warm amber eyes are ice cold now and her lips are pressed in a thin line. She looks absolutely murderous. “If loving him makes me crazy, then call me a fucking psychopath. I don’t give a shit, but don’t you ever speak poorly of my husband. You don’t deserve to,” Petra spits.

Erich is almost certain everything that’s happening is a prank. He’s never seen Petra be so vile. Surely, he’s just having a bad dream or someone’s pulling a terrible joke on him. He looks around for cameras or a group of snickering people hiding behind a nearby bench, but there’s no one to be found. Petra really is just an ungrateful bitch that wants to be trapped in her unfulfilling relationship. He opens his mouth to tell her so, but Petra raises his hand and whacks him in the face with the bouquet before he can react.

She hits him repeatedly, whacking him on the back with his pathetic bouquet. It only hurts his pride, but Erich still cries out as she hits him with the bouquet. He tries to cover his head with his arms, although there isn’t really a reason to. Maybe it’s because he’s trying to preserve his dignity, although he admittedly would have saved more of it had he not thrown this spectacle of a confession in the first place.

Petra doesn’t stop even when Erich begs her to. The bouquet must look abysmal now. When Erich opens his eyes, he sees stray flower petals and leaves on the ground. He doesn’t know if he apologizes or just calls her crazy, but Petra doesn’t relent until someone from afar calls her name.

“Petra!” When Petra and Erich turn around, they see Petra’s husband jogging towards them. The man’s sandy curls are all in disarray and his coat isn’t on properly, one of the shoulders hanging off his arm strangely like he had rushed putting it on. In one hand, he waves a paper bag. “I’m here!”

Petra’s head turns so fast Erich is surprised her neck hasn’t snapped. “Ah, you’re late,” she says, turning to leave Erich without giving her coworker a second glance. “Can’t you text me when you’re late? You always forget.”

“It’s not that late. It’s just …” Petra’s husband reaches into his coat pocket and glances at his phone, grimacing when he sees the time flashing across the screen. He slides his phone back into his pocket and tries to maintain his neutral expression. “In my defense, I didn’t mean to be late.”

“Aways with that excuse. It wouldn’t kill you to check the time every once in a while, would it?” Petra says with a frown, swatting her husband lightly on the shoulder. “And texting me would take only half a second.”

“Well, I definitely would have if I remembered,” Petra’s husband says. The man takes a moment to glance at Erich but, finding his wife paying no attention to her coworker, turns away and wraps an arm around his wife’s shoulder. “Don’t be mad. I got you taiyaki since I saw it on the way.”

“Did you?” Petra says. Her back is turned towards Erich, but he can still see how eagerly she reaches for the paper bag in her husband’s hand. She takes the fish-shaped pastry with more excitement than she had Erich’s bouquet. Petra plucks a taiyaki from the bag and offers the first bite to her husband and her eyes widen when the soft shell breaks under his teeth and reveals a creamy custard filling inside. “Ooh, my favorite.” It’s shocking how giddy she is, as if she hadn’t exploded at Erich just moments before.

Petra’s husband glances back at Erich again and leans down to whisper something in Petra’s ear. His lips ghost against the shell of her ear, his breath probably hot against her skin. Whatever the man asks, it makes Petra look back at Erich with a dismissive glance before whispering something back to her husband.

She turns back and gives Erich a wave, bidding him a brief goodbye and to have a good evening. Her tone is cool, practically indifferent, and it gives Erich whiplash when he sees her turn to her husband with a wide smile and offer him more of her pastry.

He’s so furious that he’s practically shaking where he stands, but then he starts laughing, softly at first and then more hysterically. People turn their heads to stare, but Erich hardly notices. He’s tugging at his hair, hardly believing what had just happened. He had just offered Petra a way out of her unsatisfying relationship and presented her with a more enticing one with him, and she had refused. She had been happy about it. Clearly, the woman isn’t in her right mind. She has to be absolutely crazy, Erich thinks, to walk away from such an opportunity. Erich had dodged a bullet.

“She’s absolutely crazy. Probably a fucking psychopath if she’s happy with a loser like him,” Erich mumbles to himself before picking up the bouquet, or what’s left of it anyway, off the ground. It’s really just a handful of broken stems and forlorn flowers now. As he walks home, he continues to mumble under his breath, hysteric bursts of laughter breaking his speech every now and again. “What a crazy fucking bitch!”

➽───────────────❥

“You should have come earlier,” Petra sighs. She sits with her legs across Auruo’s lap. Her husband massages her calves as she feeds him ice cream. “I was having the worst time. If you had been five minutes earlier, it never would have happened. Or maybe I could have escaped earlier.”

Auruo raises an eyebrow. “Are you saying it’s my fault your day ended badly?” he asks.

“No, of course not,” Petra replies. She pauses for a moment and then says, “Well, maybe a little.” She laughs when she sees her husband pout and feeds him another spoonful of ice cream.

Auruo waits for it to melt before he swallows it, but it’s still cold as it slides down his throat. “Do you want me to talk to him?” A sharp pain pricks at the front of his head and he winces from the brain freeze as Petra giggles. His voice a little weaker, Auruo asks, “Are you going to report him to HR?”

Petra looks towards the ceiling with a pensive expression. She scoops another large spoonful of ice cream and offers it to Auruo. “Probably not. I might if he tries it again, but I think he’s seriously just stupid,” she says. After Auruo gets a spoonful of ice cream, Petra eats a spoonful herself. She savors the mix of vanilla and chocolate that melts on her tongue. “Why? Are you worried?”

“Only if you are,” Auruo says, giving her calf a good squeeze. “Are you going to mention it in therapy?”

“Mention Erich?” Petra asks with a furrow of her brow.

“Mention your husband’s inability to provide you with a happy marriage and ward off suitors,” Auruo replies a little bitterly. It makes Petra snort.

“I’ll mention how insecure you feel as my husband, sure,” Petra replies, “but I won’t mention Erich if that’s what you’re asking. We’re paying our therapist money to talk about us and you’re the only person I really care to complain about.”

Auruo raises an eyebrow. “Even if I’m the source of most of your problems?” He accepts another spoonful of ice cream that Petra offers him.

She smiles. “I’m the reason for most of your problems, too,” she points out. She puts the carton of ice cream on the table and stretches out on the couch. Petra rests with her legs still on Auruo’s lap. Her arm rests over her stomach and her head lays on the armrest. Her eyes are closed and there’s a content smile on her face. “But if it’s a problem with you, then it’s a problem worth solving.”

Her husband can’t help the smile that begins to spread across his lips.

“So I don’t really mind if people think I’m crazy for staying with you even if we do have our problems,” Petra yawns without bothering to cover her mouth. “And anyway, baby, you know I love you like crazy.”

Auruo grins. “I love you, too,” he says and leans down for a kiss that Petra easily gives.

#petruo #petra ral #auruo bossard #snk #modern au #office au #asks #answered #anon #anonymous #requests

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letterboxd · 4 years

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Pride: 25 Queer Films To Love.

Dating Amber writer and director David Freyne introduces our London correspondent Ella Kemp to 25 of his favorite LGBTQIA films.

A coming-out, coming-of-age film, David Freyne’s Dating Amber follows “baby gays” Eddie (Fionn O’Shea) and Amber (Lola Petticrew), who act as each other’s beards in order to stop speculation about their sexualities. Released on Amazon Prime Video in the UK for Pride month, it’s winning praise from Letterboxd members as a “charming” and “gentle” comedy-drama “full of loveliness that extends beyond the Irish accents”.

Lola Petticrew and Fionn O’Shea as Amber and Eddie in ‘Dating Amber’.

As the number of films by and about the gay and trans community expands, we asked Freyne if he could narrow down a list of ten favorites for us. The answer was no—instead, we got 25!

“There are so many extraordinary queer films beyond this list, but all of these films just really affected me when I saw them. Some were the first time I saw queerness on screen, while I deeply identified with others. And, as a filmmaker, each of them makes me braver to fight to tell stories that aren't always easy to get made.

“They are in no particular order because I don’t want to bump into Barry Jenkins (which is obviously going to happen) and have to explain that he is number five on that list (that he will definitely read) for no specific reason. It’s just a technicality.”

David Freyne’s 25 Favorite LGBTQIA+ Films

My Summer of Love (2004) Directed by Paweł Pawlikowski

Paweł Pawlikowski’s film feels like a dream that sweeps you up along with it, helped along by incredible early performances from Natalie Press and Emily Blunt. The hypnotic use of Goldfrapp's ‘Lovely Head’ is probably my favorite use of a song in any film ever. Their drug-fuelled dancing was a massive inspiration for Eddie and Amber’s baby steps into Dublin’s gay scene in Dating Amber.

Weekend (2011) Directed by Andrew Haigh

I never fail to cry buckets at the end of this heartbreaking gem. It’s small in the best sense of the word. Two people fall in love over one intimate weekend. Their gayness is both incidental and totally fundamental. It’s so delicate and moving. Andrew Haigh is a master.

But I’m a Cheerleader (1999) Directed by Jamie Babbit

Jamie Babbit’s debut is a brilliant, campy comedy about a cheerleader sent to a conversion therapy camp. I love it for all the reasons many critics (at the time) disliked it. It is subversive, quirky and defiantly upbeat. And it stars Natasha Lyonne and Clea Duvall. Enough said.

Paris is Burning (1990) Directed by Jennie Livingston

I’m not saying anything new when I say that Paris is Burning is necessary viewing. It’s a hilarious, moving and eye-opening look at the (mostly) Black trans women in New York’s ball scene. It is a glimpse into the lives of these extraordinary people who risked everything to live authentically, for themselves and each other. And at a time when our trans family is so under attack, it is vital to see such iconic figures from our community. You’ve probably seen it. Re-watch it. Also those end notes will make you cry.

Happy Together (1997) Directed by Wong Kar-wai

As with all Wong Kar-wai’s work, it is jaw-droppingly gorgeous. It’s a tough watch, a portrait of a toxic, failing relationship. But it looks beautiful. They’re miserable and co-dependent. It’s abusive and awful. But it’s great. It really is a great film. I’m not selling this one well. Just watch it.

Moonlight (2016) Directed by Barry Jenkins

Definitely worth watching after Happy Together. Not just because it will make you feel better, but because Barry Jenkins has noted it as a big influence. Also, Moonlight is a masterpiece. You know that, of course. Side note: I realize I’ll never be able to create a hand-job scene as powerful and tender as Jenkins did here, but, in Dating Amber, I made three comedy hand-jobs. Take that Jenkins!

God’s Own Country (2017) Directed by Francis Lee

You can feel Francis Lee in every frame of this film. It’s personal filmmaking at its very best, with wonderful performances from Josh O’Connor and Alec Secăreanu. And it has the most beautifully romantic ending that you only realize we lack for LGBTQ characters when you see it laid out so wonderfully. When we were trying to finance Dating Amber and people suggested it was too Irish, I’d just reference God’s Own Country, which is so defiantly Yorkshire, and they’d shut up. Also, Secăreanu’s jumper with a thumb hole is my style icon. Bring on Ammonite!

Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018) Directed by Marielle Heller

Marielle Heller is such a brilliant filmmaker. This film is based on the memoir by Lee Israel who forged letters by famous people to sell. It’s a genre piece that feels like it could have been made in the 70s. But what I love about it the most is that it is a rare example of a film that centers the friendship between a lesbian and a gay man. Why do films usually treat us like we exist in totally separate worlds? Anyway, it’s a joyous watch.

Tangerine (2015) Directed by Sean Baker

I’m obsessed with tightly plotted films and Tangerine doesn’t waste a frame. It’s 88 minutes of pure wit, charm and entertainment in line with the best of old-school Hollywood. You instantly forget that Baker’s film is shot on an iPhone and just get swept up in the extraordinary performances of Mya Taylor and Kitana Kiki Rodriguez. It’s such a mystery they don’t work more. (Reader: it’s not a mystery. It’s because they are Black trans women, and the industry is shit.)

Portrait of a Lady On Fire (2019) Directed by Céline Sciamma

We all bow at the alter of Céline Sciamma. This film is perfection. The sparse-but-powerful use of music, exquisite photography and extraordinary performances that burn beneath the stillness. The final shots of Adèle Haenel will feed your soul for a year. (Side note: face masks have never looked so stylish.)

Sunday Bloody Sunday (1971) Directed by John Schlesinger

This was John Schlesinger’s follow up to his best-known film, Midnight Cowboy. A middle-aged gay doctor (Peter Finch), and a divorced woman (Glenda Jackson), are both in an open love triangle with a younger, bisexual sculptor (Murray Head). It’s quite low-key and far tamer now than when it was released, but it’s a beautiful film and Schlesinger’s most personal. He was one of the few openly gay directors of his time. And Jackson’s performance steals it.

Far From Heaven (2002) Directed by Todd Haynes

Todd Haynes’ stunning film will make you immediately go out and discover all of Douglas Sirk’s glorious technicolor melodramas. Julianne Moore’s performance as a wife who discovers her husband is gay will break you. Dennis Quaid is also terrific as her closeted husband.

The Watermelon Woman (1996) Directed by Cheryl Dunye

Cheryl Dunye’s low-budget debut is a seminal queer film. A video store worker and documentarian (played by Dunye) starts a new relationship while becoming obsessed with ‘the watermelon woman’, a Black actress forgotten by history. It’s lo-fi, funny and a, far too rare, film about race and sexuality.

My Beautiful Laundrette (1985) Directed by Stephen Frears

It may have been the first time I saw gay characters on screen and, at the time, it petrified me. But what an amazing film about love, acceptance and the power to change. Fun fact: Daniel Day-Lewis spent a year as a tumble dryer in preparation for his role.

Beautiful Thing (1996) Directed by Hettie MacDonald

Hettie MacDonald’s coming-of-age film is so lovely, honest and tender. James Harvey adapted it from his own play of the same name. The soundtrack is almost entirely The Mamas and the Papas. I am surprised some cigar-smoking West-End mogul hasn’t attempted a musical adaptation. Or maybe they have, I don’t know.

Pride (2014) Directed by Matthew Warchus

Such a purely entertaining film while being urgent, political and deeply moving. Beresford’s script is a masterclass in plotting and if you don’t cry at the end then you are dead inside. Sorry but that’s just science. Also it has the most emotional postscript coda since, well, Paris is Burning.

Love is Strange (2014) Directed by Ira Sachs

Ira Sachs is one of my favorite current filmmakers and criminally underrated. I mean, he’s appreciated, but he needs to be lauded. Love is Strange is such a charming and quietly devastating love story about an older gay couple who lose their apartment and have to couch surf with relatives. It’s one of the most effective films in dealing with the rental crisis in big cities, something he does equally brilliantly in the follow-up, Little Men.

A Fantastic Woman (2017) Directed by Sebastián Lelio

Sebastián Lelio’s film is a beautiful story about one trans woman’s grief after the unexpected death of her older partner. But what makes this film so spectacular is the captivating performance by Daniela Vega. We need to see more of her on screen.

BPM (Beats per Minute) (2017) Directed by Robin Campillo

It’s a film about the AIDS activism of Act Up in 1990s Paris. What makes this so incredible is how joyous it is. Strobe-doused dance scenes punctuate this film that will make you want to take to the streets and fight for your rights.

The Queen of Ireland (2015) Directed by Conor Horgan

This documentary by Conor Horgan follows Ireland’s most famous drag queen, Panti Bliss (aka Rory O’Neill). It’s about his life, a legal battle (a bunch of homophobes sued Rory for calling them homophobes on national TV) and the staging of a show in his hometown. Central to all this is Ireland’s historic vote on marriage equality, something that Panti was a powerful figure in. If you want to laugh and have your heart soar in seeing confirmation of how a once painfully conservative country moved to love and equality, watch this.

The Kids Are All Right (2010) Directed by Lisa Cholodenko

Lisa Cholodenko’s feature is a warm, witty and realistic look at a lesbian couple and their children. Every performance is pitch perfect. I can’t believe it’s a decade old and that we have had so few similar films since.

Booksmart (2019) Directed by Olivia Wilde

We need more joyous films with queer leads and Olivia Wilde’s debut is just that. Set over one night of belated partying, we follow best friends Molly and Amy (Beanie Feldstein and Kaitlyn Dever), one of whom happens to be a lesbian. It is just so much fun to watch.

All About My Mother (1999) Directed by Pedro Almodóvar

I mean this list could just be an Almodóvar filmography, but All About My Mother just happened to be the first of his I saw and it blew my little gay mind. It’s simply about love in its truest sense. Almodóvar said it best with his dedication, “To all actresses who have played actresses. To all women who act. To men who act and become women. To all the people who want to be mothers. To my mother.”

Female Trouble (1974) Directed by John Waters

You can’t have a queer film list without John Waters, and this 1974 classic is my favorite of his. It follows Dawn Davenport (played by the legendary Divine) from teen delinquent to the electric chair. It’s hilarious, irreverent and distasteful in the ways only Waters can be.

Saint Maud (2019) Directed by Rose Glass

Rose Glass’s debut film isn’t out yet and so technically shouldn’t be on the list. But I saw at a festival last year and loved it, so there. It’s a horror film about a private nurse (rising star Morfydd Clark) who tries to save the soul of her deviant and lesbian patient (the always-brilliant Jennifer Ehle). It’s eerie, stylish and the sort of debut all us filmmakers wish we had. Shut up, you’re jealous!

Related content

MundoF’s Opening the Vault: a chronological history of queer interest and LGBTQ+ cinema.

Leonora’s list of Films by Transgender Writers and Directors.

Out of the Closets and Into the Cinemas!: meeting queer folks in dark rooms.

New Queer Cinema

Queer Films Everyone Must See

Queer, Black, 21st Century: A Pride 2020 List

Autostraddle’s Top 200 Lesbian, Bisexual & Queer Movies of All Time

Brianna’s list of LGBT+ Animation

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themarriageplace321 · 3 years

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Do you know how to hear feedback with grace?

There was a time when I couldn’t hear criticism.

I was easily offended and very defensive.

When someone tried to tell me I was wrong or had hurt them in some way, I would immediately justify my actions, minimize them or dispute the facts.

It wasn’t that I didn’t believe I had flaws. I would frequently admit to being very flawed. You can sound very noble as you paint yourself with broad strokes of imperfection but the grit is in the details.

I could put someone else under a microscope but wanted to keep my own specific transgressions at a distance. Even just writing this makes me feel, well, yuck.

I was so defensive because I had a very fragile sense of my own worth.

When someone gave me tough criticism, I sank into despair.

I easily dropped into toxic shame-that place where I felt worthless and broken. To avoid feeling so badly, I avoided honest feedback.

I didn’t realize then how self-indulgent it is to go to toxic shame.

Think about it: if someone tells you something about yourself you don’t like, and you sink into despair, you still aren’t holding yourself accountable. You are beating yourself up but not changing anything.

In essence, you are sending out the message that you are too fragile for the truth. You are either expecting those around you to soothe you and minimize your actions or enabling them to avoid confronting you. Or both.

Married couples who can’t take criticism land in my office all the time.

Couples dance these same steps over and over. I see it in my office. Charles and Mindy are a particular couple I have in mind. (Names have been changed to maintain confidentiality.)

Charles is a bully. He is big and loud.

When something doesn’t go the way he thinks it should, he yells and curses until his family caves.

Mindy is scared of Charles. Not physically-as far as I know, he has never raised his hand to anyone. But his yelling is just as intimidating to his family.

Charles is like a lot of bullies. He is very charming and playful when he isn’t raging. He comes across like a big, lovable teddy bear-until he shows his claws.

And this is how he justifies his bad behavior. Since only his family sees this other side of him, he is well liked by everyone. He often reasons that his family is overly sensitive because he has no problems with anyone else.

Standing up to a bully

After working with Mindy, she was finally able to stand up to Charles. She stopped letting him have his way and when he would yell, she would set limits on how much she was exposed to that behavior. This infuriated Charles even more. He said he felt attacked and that Mindy was controlling him!

When Mindy told him he was a bully and why, instead of looking at his behavior and feeling remorse, he pouted. He moped around the house for days. He gave everyone the silent treatment.

He took every opportunity to let everyone know that he was apparently a big, bad ogre. Sometimes he appeared to get it and would cry and ask her why she stayed with him if he was so bad. He did everything but actually change his actions.

See the self-indulgence? When you wrong someone, true remorse says, “I’m so sorry. What can I do to make you feel better?” Charles is saying “If what you say is true, I’m a terrible person. What can you do to make me feel better?”

Defensiveness breeds shamelessness.

Giving and receiving feedback increases intimacy in such a powerful way. I cannot underestimate the importance.

Charles and Mindy will never have a truly intimate relationship until Charles can hear what Mindy is trying to tell him AND he holds himself accountable for it.

Right now, Mindy is willing to wait and see if Charles can let go of his defense mechanisms and allow himself to be vulnerable, and if he will accept her vulnerability. I don’t know how long she will wait in this holding pattern.

Charles is on borrowed time but it doesn’t have to be that way. He is risking losing everything he holds dear just because he will not hear the truth.

Are you married to someone who can’t take criticism?

If you are married to someone who cannot hear the truth, I feel particularly bad for you. That’s a tough situation. But you aren’t stuck. Mindy is learning how to set limits on bad behavior.

There is more conflict, but Mindy is getting stronger each day. One day, I believe Charles will have to face the truth or face living alone. But Mindy is more at peace today than any other time in her marriage. Only she can decide if that is good enough.

You need to be able to hear feedback to keep you grounded. Otherwise, you will become shameless.

Shameless people are obnoxious, intrusive, immature people.

The first person who comes to mind when I think of shameless is Donald Trump. He offends in outrageous ways. Whether you love or hate him, you know he is offensive. He needs someone in his life who is willing to tell him the truth and set loving limits on his outrageous behavior.

How a therapist learned to receive criticism and feedback

I learned how to hear criticism and it completely changed my life. It taught me how to be more relational to others, including towards my husband. It also taught me how to be more relational to myself! I no longer dip into toxic shame on a regular basis. I have learned to accept that I am imperfect and it is ok to be imperfect.

I learned how to give feedback in my therapy training, but I didn’t learn how to receive it until a therapist confronted me. It was ugly. But it was also life-changing.

How to give feedback well

When giving feedback, always ask if someone is willing and ready to hear your opinion. Never force your feedback on anyone.

Once they are ready for it, state your feedback without a lot of emotion. It’s so much easier to hear tough criticism if you aren’t angry when you speak your truth. Just state the facts and do so without judgement.

And no name calling, please! Not if you want to give the person on the receiving end even a remote chance of hearing you.

How to receive feedback well

When receiving feedback, fight the urge to defend, minimize or rationalize. Just hear them.

Then run it through 3 filters:

Is it true?

Is it untrue?

Is it questionable?

If it is questionable, find out more information. Ask for examples. Once I have more information, I then have ask myself again if it is true or untrue.

If it is true, make amends if you can and be gentle with yourself. You are human and you are going to mess up.

If it is untrue, step back emotionally. Do not try and convince the feedback giver they are mistaken. They are allowed their perspective. When I experience this, I detach my emotions and I also detach from convincing the other person it is untrue. They are allowed their own opinion and perspective. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree.

If the person giving the feedback has been hurt by your actions or attitude because they misunderstood or misinterpreted the situation, gently let them know you had no intention to hurt them.

Staying accountable with new skills

I never want to go back to the self-indulged ducking and dodging that kept me blind to how others saw me. To make sure I don’t go back, I have people in my life who hold me accountable.

When I hear, “Are you open to some feedback?” I view it as a gift. Even though what I’m about to hear may be painful, seeing how someone else is viewing me is priceless. When I hear feedback, I go through the process I described above. I ask myself, “Is it true? Is it untrue? Is it questionable?”

Instead of being defensive, I brace myself and hang on for the deep dive in the intimacy pool. I listen for the truth in what they are telling me, and I remind myself it is ok to be imperfect.

I make amends when and where I can and I resolve to do it better next time. Then I thank God for putting people in my life who will tell me the truth.

This process keeps me grounded. It keeps me from being shameless. It keeps me relational so that the people in my life feel closer to me. I’m willing to hear their truth.

As a result, I feel stronger and more secure. My relationships are closer and more intimate. And now, I am very adept at appropriately giving honest feedback to others. And that’s a gift too! Because I am no longer putting up with bad behavior or building resentment toward others.

Are you defensive when it comes to criticism?

If you are the person who is defensive, I know how you feel. It can be scary to admit you have an ugly side. But guess what? Everyone has an ugly side. Not looking at it only allows your ugly to get uglier.

Be brave. Clean yourself up. Wash off the shamelessness. When your family sees who you really are, chances are they will love you more not less.

They may stay where they are now because they are afraid or intimidated, but that isn’t love and intimacy. And somewhere inside of you, you know that. It feels cheap because it is cheap.

Come out from behind your wall and see if they love you more. It is possible you will be rejected. But that’s why intimacy is so messy and scary and real. It is unpredictable and involves other flawed human beings. All you can do is show up as your best self. But the reward is worth the risk.

I promise.

There’s help for learning how to manage criticism and grow intimacy in relationships

We can help if you or someone you are in relationship with can’t hear the truth.

Our coaches and counselors are trained in telling you the things about yourself that others see but don’t feel safe to tell you. We do this with compassion and without judgment-and then we will hold you accountable. That’s our gift to you.

Learn more at https://themarriageplace.com

#couple counseling #individual counseling #marriage counseling #family counseling #metal health

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with-a-dash-of-tea · 4 years

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Writing Mental Illness In Your Novels

Believe it or not, you don’t actually have to have a mental illness to write about it in your novel. Some people are inspired to do so either because a loved one struggles with it or they feel there is a lack of representation of a particular mental illness. Or they are proponents of mental illness and want their audience to feel less alone.

As for myself, I have bipolar disorder type I and panic disorder, which I was recently diagnosed with. I am not having an easy time right now. I’m rapid cycling, so I swing around between hypomania/mania/mixed states/depression/baseline, and it’s not that fun because I haven’t been able to predict recently how I’m going to be day-to-day. On top of having to deal with anxiety I’m having difficulties getting under control, it’s been a bit of a ride, so writing about mental illness is purely cathartic for me.

I’m writing a novel currently titled The Seeming Impossibility of Everything with an asexual character who struggles with panic disorder and addiction she’s in denial about. It used to be called The Glorious In-Between and focused strictly on her asexuality with no mental illness involved, other than her best friend struggling with it, but the story evolved, and hopefully this is the one that’s it.

In any case, if you don’t suffer with the mental illness you’re writing about, research is going to play a big role. NAMI is a great source of information for all of your research. I also recommend reading memoirs and fiction books based around the mental illness you want to include in your novel. Even interviewing people will go a long way in making sure you’re as accurate as possible with representation.

There is so much stigma surrounding the mentally ill that must also be taken into account. Being able to admit to people you have this thing isn’t easy. I’m open about my mental illnesses, but that’s my personality. I have no problem telling people I have bipolar disorder or panic disorder because I want to be among the voices that are loud. I don’t want to be silent, drowning in shame.

Now there are things you need to consider when writing a mentally ill character:

1. Unreliable Narrators. Some mental illnesses can create unreliable narrators because of a break in reality, but most of them don’t. I’ve seen some authors write characters who have depression, and they decide to throw in a break with reality for entertainment factor, and it’s downright insulting. You need to do your research about what mental illnesses cause a break in reality because depression or even anxiety usually aren’t it.

2. Making the Mental Illness More of a Burden on Others Than the Sufferer. This was my biggest problem with the final season of 13 Reasons Why. For one, they threw in out of nowhere that Clay has panic disorder. Granted, people with panic disorder can go years without an attack, but it was obvious this was done more for entertainment than education because Clay’s illness was represented as being more of a burden on others than himself. It was evident in him being called Clay Cray, and the show never indicated how ableist this was or how much more understanding his friends should have been. Ableism is a real thing, yes, but there were no apologies, and Clay was left with the burden of being the bad guy, especially when he “lost it” and grabbed a gun and pointed it at people--which was also problematic in itself and leads me into my next point.

3. We Are More Likely to Hurt Ourselves Than Others. Clay was made into a character more harmful to others than himself. His blackouts made him into a criminal. He was not representative of what it’s truly like to live with panic disorder. No, I’ve never blacked out. I’m sure it’s terrifying. But panic disorder sufferers are more likely to implode than explode because the symptoms themselves are just that way. Mental illness doesn’t make you into a terrible person. You already have to be a terrible person to begin with, and all mental illness does is reveal that. Writing about mental illness should be about ending the stigma, not contributing to it these days.

4. Treatment Options. There are a myriad of treatment options your character can have. I have a psychiatrist who just deals in meds with me and I’ll occasionally talk about personal stuff, but as it relates to my illnesses so she knows how to adjust my meds. I also had a therapist who would occasionally do CBT with me. She did family therapy, couple’s therapy, and marriage counseling as well. She has a PhD. You need at least a master’s to be a therapist. So you have a lot of researching to do in this area when choosing what type of treatment you want your character to have.

5. Psychiatric Hospitals. Any mental illness can wind you up in a psychiatric hospital. Research the laws in each state because if you’re being held against your will, some states have a certain amount of hours before you can be let go. In my state of Georgia, I believe, it’s a 72-hour hold. All psychiatric hospitals are different as well in how they approach treatment and have different units, like adolescents or chemical dependency. Some leave your rooms open all day so you can stay in there in between groups. Some close the rooms down before breakfast and won’t open them again until reflection time or bed time. Some have rooms with their own showers. Some don’t. Some also aren’t as nice. For example, I knew a suicidal patient who, for some reason, was handcuffed when being brought to the unit, even though she claimed she wasn’t a danger to herself or others. And she was chill--much chiller than I was the entire time we were hospitalized (I was manic). So you can get a little creative as long as it’s not outrageous. Again, this is where research is crucial.

6. Suicide. Suicidal ideation is not something experienced by every single person with mental illness; thus, it is not a requirement in every book. Suicidal ideation is also a diagnosis in itself because it takes a particular toxic chemical stew for someone with mental illness to become suicidal. It isn’t an, ‘Oh, I’m so sick and tired of being depressed, so I think I’ll just kill myself.’ It’s more of a build-up over time of constantly feeling suicidal and depressed at the same time. You can be depressed and never experience suicidal feelings. If you do decide to have a character attempt, it’s also important to note you don’t need to be detailed. It can be triggering for some readers. This is why they removed Hannah’s suicide scene from 13 Reasons Why. Even someone like me, who isn’t so easily brought to her knees because I’ve experienced enough of my own mental illness trauma, felt nauseated and broke down crying when I watched it.

If you have any questions, especially about my particular illnesses, feel free to message me!

#writing comunity #writing advice #writing help #writers of tumblr #writeblr

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clamorbelli · 5 years

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whaddup . it’s ya boy , skinny penis . ok so there’s not much to put here except hi to any new people that might’ve not seen my intro for noelle & angelo ( CLICK HERE ). i’m jaz, & this here is my newest babe, sebastian higgings. i’ve definitely missed stuff, but underneath the cut u’ll find plenty of fun stuff abt him. and by fun i mean tragic , bc sebastian is a piece of shit. ; )

‹ LIKE THIS OR HMU IF YOU’D LIKE TO PLOT WITH SEB. ›

TRIGGER WARNINGS : death, drugs, alcohol, emotional instability, therapy mentions, unhealthy habits, blood mention.

◟ * ◊ ─ keith powers + cismale + he/him » * believe it or not sebastian belongs to the higgings family. they are 26 years of age and are known to usually spend their time around buena vista apartments. the photographer has been living in victoria for 22 years. the people closest to them describe the bisexual + aquarius to be +inspired and +autonomous as well as -callous and -debauched.

sebastian is the ( current ) eldest son of the late johnathan and sasha higgings, born to the couple when they were happy, in love, and a shining example of what marriage should be. sebastian was a momma’s boy through and through from the day he was born, severe separation issues plaguing his infantdom, only rectified through intense therapy. his bond with his mother, even after finally being convinced she wasn’t the only nice person in the world, never wavered however. they were thick as thieves.

there was never anything remarkable about seb’s childhood except his fondness for the family camera whenever they went on holiday. his parents first believed it was a desire to model, but they soon came to understand it wasn’t being in front of it that seb wanted, he wished to be behind it. from then on they gave him a disposable on every trip, and before long the house was full of his amateur photography.

when he was ten, the unthinkable and unfathomable happened. his mother died. seb had been an entirely normal, average kid up until that point, but part of him died the day his mother slipped away forever. it was impossible for it not too, with the amount of time they’d spent together, his dependency on her at birth, the fact she was his best friend and it didn’t matter what the kids at school thought. as a child, he was ruined, affected for the rest of his life in ways he didn’t quite understand yet.

seb was sixteen by the time victoria was adopted into the family, and his reign of terror on victoria had long since begun. he came home with bloody noses and bruises more times than he could count, he sneered and spat at other kids in the playground, knowing they could do little except beat him to a pulp and have their parents foot the bill. he started drinking all too early, dabbled in drugs no sixteen year old should’ve touched, spent nights away from home, uninterested in the new woman in his father’s life.

victoria, however, was a different story. the pair got on like a house on fire, likely because of their bratty, conniving ways. at that age sebastian was like gasoline and his newfound sister was the match. natalya still had seb’s heart from when they were kids, his sister being the one thing in life he still felt warmth for, but victoria had managed to form a relationship of her own with him. for a while it was them against the world, until cassandra stepped in, pitted the girls against each other, and made life infinitely harder for a boy already on the brink.

he and his father argued daily. blazing rows that ended in smashed kitchenware. seb was losing it but the higgings patriarch failed to see his behaviour as anything more than childish cries for attention. seb didn’t know the empty feeling in his chest wasn’t normal. he didn’t know he shouldn’t play with girls emotions until they cried. he didn’t understand why he only felt things when he was getting into schoolyard fights or looking through the lens of a camera.

seb graduated high school and chose to do an online course for photography, honing his skills whilst remaining close by until his sisters graduated. when they did, he only managed a year without natalya before leaving the city himself, he would miss victoria dearly, but they facetimed every day and skyped properly at the weekends. before he left he told his father to stick his businesses up his ass. he was disconnecting from his legacy. his final words to his father were full of toxicity and rage, as they had been for 12 years now.

he went to new york, cliché and crazy as it may have been, and found a surprisingly immense amount of success. through some ridiculous means, his shots were picked up by a local, renowned photography blog, the owner of the blog also owning a gallery, wishing to display his work. from then on it was up and up. seb travelled the globe, was able to shoot the most incredible places, spent his weeks on planes and trains and on his feet. he had his dream, he made a name for himself, he didn’t need his father.

seb may have had the career of his dreams, but his personal life was a shambles. full of one night stands with no substance, exes that hated his guts, friends who’d found it too unbearable to be around him. he was arrogant, confident in himself to a fault, unable to connect with passion on any level except with his work. he was a riot, a fun guy to be around who was willing to try anything once, but he lacked the ability to form meaningful relationships. people came and went and seb was left, alone, in his fancy apartment somewhere in manhattan. he was as lonely as he was the day his mother had died, things in that regard had never changed.

the phone call he received when victoria died shook him to his core, the male feeling something other than debauchery for the first time in a long time. his father? a fucking waste of space who failed to keep his children safe, but victoria? he flew home just days ago, having one emotional instinct left in him – his brotherly instinct. natalya was still alive and god knows seb was going to lose another member of his family.

PERSONALITY :

ok so yeah, seb’s an dick. when i say emotionally unavailable i mean . . . highly, on an unhealthy level that requires some serious therapy. seb lost himself when his mother died and since then he’s been trying to find some solace in these flings he always has but, of course, he never will. he’s apathetic when it comes to people becoming attached to him so tends to be particularly cruel with ppl who get involved w him.

asshole . like, just not . .. a nice person . will point out someone’s faults, will tell u if ur skirt is ugly as fuck, willing to laugh in your face if he thinks what you said is stupid. just doesn’t . . give a f. needs to grow up.

hOWEVERRRR R rr. ofc if he was like that 24/7 he’d never even get people into bed in the first place so he can, of course, turn on the charm. he’s very flirtatious, loves sex and sexually charged conversations. flirting is a hobby for him and it’s one he has fun with. if ur not looking for anything deeper, seb isn’t too bad ig . if you can engage him on things he wants to talk about, keep things chill, not take his dickheadedness to heart, etc, he can be manageable. sort of.

massively confident, but unfortunately it’s justified. he’s beautiful, he’s talented, he’s rich of his own accord, and he’s successful. he’s massively independent, but finds it hard to work in a team.

he’s ! lowkey ! a visionary !!! when it comes to photography he really is that bitch and is genuinely incredible at his job because it’s something he’s actually passionate about. he never turns down the opportunity to photograph, so even though usually he loves money, he’d be willing to do a lot of photography for free whilst he’s back bc ? he just loves doing it, and it reminds him of his mom and how she encouraged him.

uHhh bad habits to the max. the only one of my charas who regularly takes hard drugs and drinks, has a penchant for mdma and is looking into microdosing to help his artistic ability.

WANTED CONNECTIONS :

exes from before he moved away

fwbs

best friend, probably only 1 bc . . . intolerable

any kind of connection from before he moved, bc it’s always exciting to see someone again after four years right

enemies lmao

people he knew in new york, if anyone has charas who’ve been there recently

people that were friends with vic

i dunno i’m not good at these y’aLL KNO I LIKE BRAINSTORMING DOMFDOD

give me some angsty shit too

#victoireintro #❛ · ˚ . — 𝒗𝒊. casey frey fan club! › out of character.#finishing off memes and getting to ims now ! finally odmfksds

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uncloseted · 5 years

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(1/?) Hey there. So, I'm about to finish my program at school and am planning to move out of state for work after. I have a very complicated and toxic relationship with my mother; she got remarried two years ago, and her marriage has gone sour pretty quick. She tries very hard to make it work, but sometimes I wish they wouldn't have gotten married at all and it doesn't help I live with them. I told my stepfather this, because he just seems very bitter about how things have turned out.

(2/?) I understand why he feels bitter and frustrated. They almost got divorced over the summer, because she kept accusing him of cheating. My mother is very insecure and carries a lot of trauma from her previous marriage to my father, which was very abusive, but she refuses to go to a counselor or therapist. Her issues also manifest through scrupulosity (religious OCD). She tries to intimidate me through religion and control aspects of my life, such as friends, plans, etc. I don't tolerate it. (3/3) Sorry for this being so long; long story short, my mother is controlling and tries to control and manipulate our lives into what she wants them to be and refuses to get help for her problems, which impact her marriage and familial relationships negatively. However, I feel bad about moving and planning to cut off contact for a bit, because we are close and it just makes me sad because she is unwell. I can't sacrifice myself trying to help her, though. What should I do? I feel so shitty.

As hard as it is, I think sometimes we have to acknowledge that we can’t save the people around us, at least not until they want our help. And you’re right- we can’t sacrifice our own happiness and wellbeing to try and appease them, either. I think it sounds like moving will be good for you. If you’re worried about her, maybe pick a day every week where you’ll call her for a few minutes and check in? Because you’re further away, she can say whatever she wants about your life choices without her opinions actually impacting you and/or you can lie to her about what you’re up to without her knowing. Perhaps you could also suggest religious adjacent therapeutic practices? I don’t know what your mother believes, but for example, prayer as meditation could be something that might help her cope with her OCD, or being introduced to the Enneagram (which has been co-opted by Christian communities) might give her the language to assess her own behaviors and the ways she interacts with others and then provide her with a roadmap for how she might change those behaviors. If her religious organization has a leader (like a priest), they may also be able to help her work through some of her mental health issues. While most of them aren’t licensed to practice therapy or social work, many of them do have the same manner that a therapist does, and sometimes just having a person to talk to about what you’re going through can help.

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thewriting-corner · 2 years

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Writing Romance

If you know me, you know I love romance, ESPECIALLY romcoms. However, in my 19 years of life I have been on one date and my first kisses were not good experiences lol. So, how do I as a non experienced human write romance? …

Listen to people talk

Not to say that I’m an eavesdropper BUT one of my favorite things to do is listening to people talk. One of my favorite places to do so is a hair salon. You learn a lot about people at hair salons, especially when they slip and start talking about their relationships lol.

Also take a look at people’s (family members, friends, strangers) relationships. See how they show their love, and what things work for them.

Talk to people/Ask questions

Weird fun fact about me: literally everyone in my life right now is in a relationship. It’s annoying to say the least, BUT it also means I can ask questions. With my sister, we talk a lot about marriage and knowing when it’s “right”. Then with my best friend I tend to ask a lot about how dates work and how relationships start. While it’s not the same experience, it helps to get a view of how it works for different people.

Some questions I really like asking older couples is how they met. My mom’s best friend, for example, met her husband when they were in high school. She rejected him because she wasn’t allowed to date and then a year later he asked her out again and she said yes. They were together until 12th grade, broke up, and bumped into each other four years later and got engaged about four months into seeing each other again. Obviously their story is very romantic and I fully plan on asking them permission to write about them, but my point of this is that when she allowed me to ask questions, I learned a WHOLE lot of not only love, but why her son and I would never work. And that experience of her opening up to me about her past has really translated into the way I write relationships now.

Read romance books

Even if you’re writing a story in a completely different genre, so long as you’re including romance it’s important to read at least a little bit in this genre. Real life romance is usually not as complicated or dramatic as it is in books, and while keeping reality is always important in terms of character relationships, unfortunately for us readers romance irl doesn’t usually happen the same way it does in fiction. So if you’re going to add the romantic subplot (or write a romantic main plot) study the structure of a romantic comedy/novel/thriller/whatever. It will help you incorporate it in a way that won’t mess up the pacing of an, idk, fantasy book with a side character love interest.

Read widely (about everything)

One of the reasons why I despise my old writing is the way I portrayed really toxic behavior in a positive and romantic light. I would excuse really bad behavior with the reason that love makes us crazy and crazy makes us do dumb things. I hate this, but I didn’t know better. In my head, a teen relationship meant having to hide it from your family or else you would get the “boys will ruin your future and get you pregnant” talk. A teen relationship meant doing sexual things, even if you weren’t ready, because that’s what everyone did. To me, relationships were fighting with your spouse and the first one to threaten to leave, won.

And now that I’m older I really want to hug my younger self because what the actual frick was that. It took a lot of reading on psychology, couple��s therapy posts, the Christian take on relationships/marriage and books that portrayed healthy relationships to fix that mindset. And of course, if your book is handling a toxic relationship then I guess it’s okay to have the characters do some not-okay stuff BUT if your goal is to show healthy relationships, I truly think it’s important to have a clear definition of what healthy means.

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local-boob · 2 years

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in defense of ghosting

i've been struggling with something recently.

over the past few months, my latest ex has been trying to return some stuff to me. i sent them their things months ago and asked that they do the same; they pushed back saying they can't afford it and if they could bring it by instead. (1) my apartment building has a front desk and they already know that they can hand deliver it, they have dropped things off for me before when i was on work calls or not at home; and (2) most of the things they need to return are books which can be media mailed - in total i would be shocked if the amount was more than $30, which is not a breaking-the-bank amount. my anxious reptile brain suspects that a confrontation is the true goal.

i resent expectations that one should be in-contact with an ex or a former friend. i also find it frustrating when someone can't just do what i ask them to. i appreciate a close friend sharing their opinion with me that no one is entitled to an explanation as to why a relationship or friendship hasn't worked out, no matter how long you were together. if you have the ability to share any information with them, that's great and maybe they can use that feedback for future relationships. but what if your reasons for ending things (or being temporarily no-contact) are not constructive? what if it's their personality (or yours), their voice, their body, factors that they cannot change and that are maybe even irrational or unrealistic expectations? what if the reasons one needs to end things is because of something fucked up about yourself that you need to work on, that you may not even be able to fully admit to yourself yet?

for example, this same ex is on the autism spectrum. if we were going to continue being in a committed relationship, we would have needed to address some issues that were potentially autism-related, and would probably have required me encouraging them to seek an official diagnosis. (i would offer to undergo an assessment too, as i have some suspicions about myself on that front.) we almost certainly would have also needed couples therapy so that a professional could help us navigate basically an interabled relationship. that's intense, marriage- (or similar commitment) level shit. i was already trying to socialize with them that i am passionately against legal marriage, and even knowing my family background - i.e., my parents' toxic inability to get divorced - they still implied multiple times that they thought they could change my opinion, which is honestly disrespectful - why am i not allowed to maintain my own opinions if they do no harm?

additionally, some of the issues i have with their behavior that i suspect are autism-related seem ableist to me. & even if my concerns are legitimate and not ableist, what if all or certain behavioral and/or emotional issues can't be changed - what if i would realistically need to be the person to try and adapt?

lastly, we're both queer, ace, nonbinary, and ethically non-monogamous - i thought i had found someone really promising to build a life with, and then all of a sudden something changed for me - i realized that i wasn't ready at all to help educate their family on our identities (especially they/them pronouns, and that we identify as gay even though we're straight-passing since i haven't been on hormones long enough). i have a lot of family-related trauma; i never intended to be parent-facing, which makes me think that maybe i'm just not a good candidate to be anyone's primary partner; at the very least, i don't think i can cohabitate with anyone again any time soon, if ever.

longest story short, a box of books and some clothing at least to me is not worth potentially breaking someone's spirit.

#ghosting #exes #relationships #ableism #no contact #autism

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dropintomanga · 6 years

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Faith Is Restored - An Interview With “Anime For Humanity”

Ever since I started this blog, I thought to myself whether I or someone else can start up a mental health organization that helps people using anime. I had some optimism at first, but grew jaded after seeing people’s impressions of anime and how anime was treated under the geek hierarchy over the years. Yet I found out that someone or should I say, a group of fans is doing what I envisioned in my head and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect

While I was reading up on the sudden “mental health” question that popped up in an “anime census”, I found out about an organization that anime fans should support when it came to mental health discussion. That organization is known as Anime For Humanity. They are based in Los Angeles and have been traveling throughout California at various conventions since starting in 2017.

I went to their site immediately and I was amazed that AFH are a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization dedicated to using a medium that many fans love to promote mental health awareness. So I decided to get an interview with AFH and their outreach manager, Ruby, got back to me. Here’s what she had to say on Anime For Humanity, their beginnings, a couple of their projects, the hashtag movement they started, and more.

Q: How did Anime for Humanity get started? What made you see that anime was inspiring for anyone with mental illness?

Ruby: Before Anime For Humanity (AFH) started, we were an anime club with a passion for anime and community. We volunteered with local charities and hosted events that people enjoyed. Then we realized there were specific ways anime could have an impact and make a difference in people’s lives.

When we first thought about the causes Anime For Humanity should tackle, we took a moment to reflect on what anime brought and changed in our personal lives. We found out that most of us suffered through depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Only a few us did get professional help and others didn’t because of the so-called “stigma."

Q: What professional backgrounds do you have in mental health?

Ruby: Since AFH started as an anime club, we all came from different backgrounds, including artists, teachers, computer scientists and therapy counselors.

We do close work with other LPCCs (licensed professional clinical counselors) and LMFTs (licensed marriage and family therapists) that volunteer to host panels, speak at events and run support groups.

As a member of the Anime For Humanity Clinical Advisory Board, it is very important for AFH to work with therapists and counselors who understand the fandom and use it as to a tool to help people find healing and recovery.

Q: Clinical Advisory Board?

Ruby: The Clinical Advisory Board is an initiative made by Anime For Humanity. It is still under the work and part of the Anime Therapy Project. Since we attend a bunch of cons, a lot of licensed therapists stop by our booth and ask us to be involved in what we do. We call them the "Anime Therapists." :)

The purpose of the Clinical Advisory Board is to discuss scientific research done on anime and help polish Anime For Humanity’s upcoming projects/programs. We also have been working on building a "find an anime therapist near you" (which is similar to our “Find Healing” resources, but with a twist) where the anime/geek community can find a therapist near them who understands the fandom and maybe uses it as a tool for therapy.

So far, the project is still on alpha mode and local to LA. We are hopeful it will expand to other cities, states and around the world.

Q: With anime consumption almost completely online and anime conventions sometimes being the only spot to get fans together, how did you come up with ideas to get fans to come to your programs offline?

Ruby: Here in SoCal (Southern California), it happens that there is a convention every month where we get to be in touch with the attendees and tell them about what we do.

We are very grateful for all the convention organizers in our area because not only does the anime scene keep growing, but we also get to hand out local resources for people to get professional help.

Q: Describe what a typical workshop/support group session from Anime for Humanity is like.

The AFH support group is part of the Anime Therapy program, which is still under the works.

Q: What challenges came along the way as Anime for Humanity began to grow?

Ruby: One of the challenges Anime For Humanity faced when we first started was we weren't able to collaborate with other organizations because there wasn't much acceptance and support towards anime when discussing our mission and purpose.

Q: What did it take to get some of those who were skeptical onto your side? How did you convince them? I always felt anime has better acceptance in a place like California due to a large Asian population, Hollywood celebrities loving it, and a vibrant arts scene.

Ruby: At first, we couldn't convince them due to what they have been told about anime (ie. anime containing violent and sexual content) - things that didn't go with their mission and values.

But once we showed them how conventions were growing (especially the growth of Anime Expo) and how anime presents themes such as kindness, courage, and friendship. We also told them our story of how anime gave us a purpose to make a change in our community. That gave a spark to start the conversation and change their minds about anime. And yes! You’re right about anime being more accepted in California. As I mentioned earlier, there is more than one convention happening each month here in California, where people celebrate their fandom (comics, anime, cosplay, etc) Seeing cosplayers on the train/metro, cons popping up everywhere; that made it easy to promote Anime For Humanity!

Q: I liked how you involve gamers of all kinds to support Anime for Humanity via the "Play Anime Project." In your opinion, what is it about gamers that make them the most charitable people out there?

Ruby: Gamers are a great community. They are passionate and empathetic. Especially when gaming with a purpose comes to play. Everyone would love to do what they are passionate about and help others at the same time.

The "Play Anime Project" is about taking and promoting new and fun anime games to non-anime conventions and start the conversation about the stigma of mental health with attendees.

Q: I found out about a program you had to combat illiteracy called “Take a Manga, Return a Manga Project." Given that manga literacy and comprehension can translate well into reading non-visual material, how did the program work and which series were the most helpful for fans struggling to read?

Ruby: “Take a Manga, Return a Manga” is a unique and exciting program we launched when we first started Anime For Humanity. Here are the 3 reasons why:

1. We wanted to promote anime/manga to a community who aren't familiar with either. Because as mentioned earlier, reaching out to that community was/is still one of the challenges we are facing.

2. We all have a bunch of manga collecting dust in our shelves. We thought how can we put those manga into use and make a space where values like sharing, friendship, and community are built in the anime community.

When we took the AFH library to a couple of conventions, we would invite the attendees to build one in their community, college, high school, etc. to bring those values and show the rest what anime is about.

3. Like you mentioned in your question, manga literacy and comprehension can\translate well into reading non-visual materials.

We have a special box for people to donate manga that will be taken to kids in orphanages as a way to fight illiteracy. Since the donated books were random, we do pick and choose the appropriate ones that will be given to the kids while the rest go back to the library.

Q: I wanted to ask about your thoughts about the recent Flying Colors Foundation situation where the now-defunct organization asked a question regarding users' mental health. There was a good amount of criticism towards FCF about that particular question. What concerns did you have over how they presented it?

Ruby: We believe the question about mental health could have been worded better or not have been asked at all. The survey was to show Japanese animation studios what most Westerners think and want in an anime, and not about personal mental health issues which are generally unrelated to their survey.

Q: I love the #SavedbyAnime hashtag you started, but there are times, as you and I know, where anime consumption can be harmful to someone. We've seen toxic situations involving fandom. How do you tell someone who may be letting anime or anime fandom take over their daily life that it's a good time to step back?

Ruby: “Too much of a good thing is good for nothing.” Moderation is always the key. Over-consumption of anything such as food, exercise, entertainment, and also medicine can be harmful. Finding balance in our lives is so important, yet it is so hard.

This is one of the complex questions that we face at conventions most of the time, since we have encountered many people saying “If it wasn’t for over-consuming anime, I'm not sure if I would be here right now.”

We tend not to judge or give advice to people, but paradoxically, our first approach is to invite people to watch an anime that would speak to their situation in life (Naruto, Welcome to the N.H.K, etc. for example).

Then we follow up with them to ultimately help them understand what they are going through and hopefully get professional help. We believe all the struggles anime characters go through is to share with us their experiences that we can learn from and use it in our daily lives.

This is where we start the conversation and and educate people about the hashtag #SavedByAnime which is about how to use anime to find balance, growth and purpose in life.

Q: I noticed that there's an upcoming program called "Anime Therapy" on the front page of your site, which looks like screenings with some conversations afterwards, I believe? Can you talk more about it?

Ruby: We will keep you updated once it's ready for launch.

Q: Given that mental illness is becoming a popular topic in graphic novels and manga like “My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness” have hit mainstream success, what would like to see going forward in terms of anime covering portrayals of characters with mental illness?

Ruby: We would love to see more of the kinds of anime that cover characters with mental illness. For example, Welcome to the N.H.K depicted the struggles of a person who was suffering from mental illness. We also hope to see anime touch on the subject of getting professional help when in crisis.

This interview has been edited for clarity.

You can visit Anime For Humanity at http://www.animeforhumanity.org.

#Anime for Humanity #anime #manga #mental health #otaku fandom #therapy #psychology #interviews #non-profit organization #mental health organizations

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omgktlouchheim · 6 years

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Word Vomit Wednesday - Stop Kavanaugh

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts where I attempt to process thoughts and feelings, usually about a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own (unless otherwise indicated); I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

CW: Sexual Assault

As with pretty much all the news about our current state of affairs, the Kavanaugh nomination and hearings for SCOTUS have been extremely triggering and stressful. Even before Professor Christine Blasey Ford came forward with her story of being sexually assaulted by Kavanaugh, this nomination indicated an even darker America to come, as if the one we’re in now isn’t dire enough for women, the LGBTQ+ community, and BIPOC. And, as with so much of the news we’ve been contending with since 2016, I’ve felt a need to pull back from watching it, reading tweets and articles almost ritualistically just so I can take care of myself physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Staying on top of everything going on takes a tremendous toll and I constantly find myself thinking about how the well-beings of marginalized people are constantly looked over and dismissed.

This came up for me again the other night when, after having a pretty relaxed evening watching The Emmy’s with my parents, my dad turned the news back on and that sense of simmering rage and hypervigilance that I’ve learned to just deal with existing as a woman in the world, came bubbling right to the surface. I had to leave almost immediately because that was not the way I wanted to end my day feeling. If I’m going to be active and helpful in any way, even in small ways like writing this blog, I need to be able to sleep at night. But one thing that came up in the few minutes of watching the Kavanaugh coverage that I have not been able to stop thinking about was a quote from someone in the nominee’s camp saying something along the lines of not even knowing the story or who the woman could possibly have been until Ford revealed herself. This narrative is offered over and over again as a way to dismiss women when they come forward in these situations. A narrative that continues to portray women and our experiences as insignificant.

That killed me. The fact that this woman not only went through a trauma where her personhood was never considered from the get-go, has been affected by it for decades, is risking her life for this country (she and her family have since had to leave their home due to death threats) to share her story and make her identity known, to again, be told by men she is not worthy of consideration is devastating. And that seems to be a major key in all of this. Women are not considered. At all. Kavanaugh probably didn’t recall the assault because he got what he wanted out of it. He never considered Ford or her feelings, needs, or wants. He couldn't have cared less. He still couldn’t care less. The GOP, who should care about putting an alleged rapist on the bench of the highest court in the land, but instead made a publicity stunt of having 65 women sign a document (all but two seemingly had no idea what they had signed) that stated they would vouch for Kavanaugh, definitely don’t see a problem if they’re willing to manipulate women to get their man through the confirmation process.

I saw a tweet the other day from @laurenthehough, who shared this sentiment: “You know what would be fucking weird to hear? ‘I did that. It was fucking terrible. I’m sorry. I did years of therapy and soul searching and work and I changed my behavior. I can’t change what I did. But I made damn sure I never did it again.’ Why is that never the statement?”

Why is that never the statement? I cannot tell you how healing it would be if those were the statements that we started hearing. Real accountability. Real apologies. Real work put into an individual’s growth and education. Would those statements start solving all of these problems? No, of course not. But they would at least indicate that these people recognize that the women they’ve hurt are people. And that they understand that they have caused harm, sometimes a lifetime’s worth, to another person. That would create a powerful shift. Because one of the reasons we don’t hear these statements is because these people don’t consider what they do to women to be of any significance. That unless you’re related to a woman by blood or marriage or if you find them attractive, they don’t matter. It’s probably inconceivable to Kavanaugh and his ilk that a situation that was so forgettable for him because “boys will be boys,” had been burned into Ford’s mind. She never mattered to him, he felt entitled to her and her body, and our culture allowed that.

As I’m writing this, I realize that I will be posting it on arguably the most important Jewish holiday of the year, Yom Kippur. Which couldn’t be more fitting for this topic. Yom Kippur translates to Day of Atonement. It comes ten days after Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, wherein those ten days are meant to give us time to reflect on the past year. All the great and terrible experiences and the things we wish we did better or hadn’t done at all. What we are sorry about and who we need to apologize to and when Yom Kippur finally arrives we are supposed to take full accountability for ourselves. Now, one day to hold ourselves accountable for our actions (as well as inactions) and how they’ve caused harm and suffering to others and actively make amends is not enough. Especially if the damage we have caused has had a prolonged traumatizing effect on person’s life and livelihood. Going to shul once a year and reciting prayers are not going to fix things or provide the healing that’s actually necessary. But at least the holiday is there to jumpstart the conversation. To hopefully get us thinking outside of ourselves and give the apologies that we wished we’d been given when we’ve been wronged and make necessary and lasting changes.

I’m pretty sure Brett Kavanaugh is not Jewish, probably has no idea what Yom Kippur is, and, like most cis-het white males, doesn’t think he's done anything wrong and that he's entitled to whatever the fuck he wants. But for those men who do genuinely want to make amends and be better people and because we very rarely have a framework for how to get started with that, I’m going to offer a few suggestions (mostly for men to combat rape culture and inequality, though some of these skills definitely apply in many other areas and for most people) on some things to start focusing on that would be incredibly helpful. This is by no means a complete and comprehensive list, and there is no significance to the order, but a few things to get people started.

Listen to women and believe them. We know our own experiences, so please do not come at us with “what if she’s lying” bullshit. There’s a reason men are conditioned to believe that women are liars and that reason is to keep women oppressed. Learning how to listen, really listen, is one of the most valuable lessons anyone can learn. When you check your egos at the door, unlearn your social conditioning, and learn to center and hold space for someone else and their feelings, especially when they’re in need, it validates their humanity. We all need support and knowing someone is in our corner who’s not going to question our motives, interrupt us as we process whatever we’re going through in the moment, or lash out at us is basic common decency that we are rarely shown, but (as women) are expected to provide for others. It’s also invaluable for the listener because you will get to understand someone else’s world a little better and hopefully gain more perspective on the one you inhabit.

Start asking “What do you need” and “How can I help you.” Practice those questions so much until they become second nature. No one is asking you to bend over backwards for other people, only you know what your limits are and it’s your responsibility to be honest about what you can or cannot do, but this is another small gesture, just like listening, that goes a long way. On the flip side of that, asking for help when you’re struggling is an important skill as well. People will typically show up for you if you give them a chance, especially if you’ve shown up for them.

Hold other men exhibiting toxic behavior accountable. Show by example how a good man acts and let those who are extremely problematic know that you see them and what they're doing and are not here for it. Men listen to other men (bc toxic masculinity, but that’s a post for another day), so you pointing out that some behavior or thought-pattern is problematic or shameful is effective.

Vote for and support women. Not just the ones you’re related to or find attractive. If you can only make room for the former, you're only performing ally ship and you don’t actually support women.

Men built the glass ceiling, therefore it’s your job to dismantle it. Do not put the extra weight of men’s work on marginalized folx who are already carrying and navigating too much.

Go inward and start tackling your own internalized patriarchal proclivities. Do your due diligence to understand toxic masculinity, sexist/racist double standards, and your privilege and the ways in which you help perpetuate a system that gives you benefits at the expense and suffering of others. Ways to start doing that: go to therapy, get a group of your boys together and actually start talking about and identifying your feelings and asking each other questions, read books or watch films/tv by people who come from very different backgrounds than you. You’ll hopefully learn a lot about yourself and the world. And you’ll learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings in a healthier way, rather than putting and projecting that emotional labor on the women and other marginalized folx in your lives.

If you have realized that you have done something wrong or hurtful or it was brought to your attention that you have, you may want to get defensive. Acknowledge the feelings you're having to yourself, but to the appropriate parties try saying something like this: “I did that. It was fucking terrible. I’m sorry. I did years of therapy and soul searching and work and I changed my behavior. I can’t change what I did. But I made damn sure I never did it again.” If you haven’t done the work yet, don’t say you have unless you do actually plan on following through. And then follow through. These are also great growth opportunities for utilizing those new listening and offering assistance tools from #s 1 and 2.

*BONUS*: Do not, under any circumstances, attempt ANY of the above with ulterior motives. You do not get a gold star for being a “good guy.” This is just how people should be treated. Decently, respectfully, and without any expectation of owing you anything in return.

Obviously, this is a very simplified list but when you start opening the door to one of these items, more and more doors begin to appear. As hard as it may be at times, it is worthwhile work that benefits everyone. Also, if you’ve made it this far, please call your senators and tell them to not confirm Kavanaugh to SCOTUS. We, the people, deserve someone on the bench who considers all of us.

Katie Louchheim seriously doesn’t know how she functions on a daily basis with all this bullshit. CALL YOUR SENATORS TO #StopKavanaugh: 202-224-3121.

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