#me lying down to go to bed and realizing its been 3 years and the show that made me join this stupid website is over 👁👄👁

[hillerska-official]

Thank you all for watching with me 💕

[mydearesthrry]

harry’s house home - h.s.

a/n: this is the cheesiest thing ive ever written okay. like its really sweet and almost cringey oopssss sorry. i hope you enjoy anyway !!! (p.s. originally was supposed to be titled harrys mojo dojo casa house but thats for another time)

🎀 warnings/cw: angst, swearing?? i actually dk, fluff, mention of flying anxiety, this is also completely unedited

🐇 pairing: famous!bf!harry styles x fem!reader

💐 wc: 2.1k

summary: it's not home without harry, you've come to realize.

This almost felt like a routine now. 

Lying awake in her king sized bed, she was staring up at projected stars on the ceiling, gnawing on her bottom lip as she let her mind drift away in thought. 

She misses him. Again. 

Due to Harry being on the second Europe/UK leg of tour, she had decided to stay at home for a little until the final show, and it had been a good month since she last saw Harry. She had begun to run on Harry’s time, adjusting her sleep to wherever in the world he was so that she could talk to him. Their time zone differences weren’t gracious enough sadly, and she was wide awake at 3:40 in the morning. 

Harry was busy so she couldn’t call or text him, and she wanted to let everything go as smoothly as they could so he could finally come home. Initially, she let herself be selfish and a bit greedy and took up almost 10 minutes of his time, texting back and forth and allowing her brain to read his responses in his voice. 

Contrary to popular belief, it was easy for y/n and Harry to have a relationship that could withstand whatever problems they may have faced because they communicated, but communication can only get you so far. 

She missed him. 

All-consumingly, selfishly, and overwhelmingly missed him. 

The amount of rocky moments that the couple had endured on the nearly 3 year long running tour had been more than the past 4 years of their relationship combined. Whether it be a schedule conflict, missed dates, late nights when she didn’t even know if he’d be home, nothing could compare to the feeling that she had swirling around in her chest right now. 

They’d gotten into a fight a few days ago and since then she had been hesitant to text and call him in fear that she would ruin his day, or even worse, his shows. She knew well that he wouldn’t let it show to his millions of fans, but she could read him like an open book and the guilt that would swell in her body would just make her shut down. But it was getting hard to be alone. It was hard being in such a big house that was filled to the brim with reminders of him, which in turn would remind her that she was alone and that he was on the other side of the world.

She allowed her emotions to take the reins, and as she slowly started to feel everything, she could feel a harsh tug in her chest. She put a hand to her heart, letting out a deep exhale as she felt the familiar sting of tears tingle her nose, sinuses becoming stuffy immediately. She scrunched up her nose, allowing the tears to fill her eyes as she let out her first breathy sob. It wasn’t uncommon for her now to cry over missing Harry. In fact, she’s never even told him the extent of how much she missed him, and just tried to deal with it on her own. But this time, she didn’t feel like she was strong enough to just let it pass. 

Picking up her phone, she quickly pulled up her favorites list in her phone, sobs still wracking her body as she tapped on Harry’s contact. She sniffled and tried her best to calm herself down as she heard the ringing coming from the phone signifying that he was receiving the call. 

“Hey, ‘M in a meeting. Everything ok?” And just like that, the entire dam broke open, and she let her emotions flood the room she was sitting in. 

“Harry,” she let out a pitiful whine, “I’m sorry I’m calling you like this, I- I knew you were in a meeting, and I’m sorry. And I know we’re in a fight and y’probably don’t want to talk to me, but I just… I need to hear your voice right now.” 

“Oh— um, yeah, hold on, baby. It’s okay, ‘m glad you called me. Give me two seconds, okay? ‘M gonna mute m’self t’tell Jeff I need to take 20, but I’ll be all yours in a sec.” He promises, voice immediately drenched in urgency. 

“Okay,” she whispers weakly, putting the phone on speaker and sinking back down into the mattress, laying the phone on her chest. There was an uncomfortable weight weighing her down from the inside out, and the pressure served as a good reminder to breathe as she anticipated the return of her boyfriend back to the phone. 

“M’kay baby, talk to me. What’s the matter? Are you okay?” His voice exits from her speaker, another whimper emitting from her throat without warning. 

“I jus— God, H. It’s so pathetic,” she sniffles, placing her hands over her eyes. “I jus’ miss you. So much.” 

“Oh lovie,” a few soft shuffles are heard from his end of the line, and you can only assume he found a quiet place to sit down. “I miss y’so so much more.” 

She nods even though she knows he can’t see her, but she knows her sweet boy knows her so well. “‘M trying to be supportive, trying to not freak out about you not being here, but it’s so hard, H.” 

Trying to stifle the aggressive breaths leaving her mouth, she composed the best she can before speaking again. “I just want you to come home. I know I’ll be with you in a couple of days, but I just want you home. ‘M sorry, it’s so selfish of me to say this when you’re all alo-“ 

“Shh, my love. It’s okay. Take deep breaths, can y’do that for me first really quick, sweet girl? Sweet sunshine baby, miss you so much.” Harry cuts her off, knowing that she would cry and gasp her way into a potentially dangerous situation, and he couldn’t handle the thought of her being in danger especially when he wasn’t there. 

“Okay, fuck, ‘M so sorry, H.” She breathes out, voice still wobbly, her breathing becoming a little more stable by the second. 

“You don’t have to be sorry, ‘s what I'm here for, isn’t it? Now, tell me what’s got you so upset that you’ve cried y’self out so hard that y’got a killer headache right now?” His lips quirk up at the soft, barely noticeable laugh coming from the other end of the line. One that probably would’ve gone unnoticed to anyone else, but not to Harry. 

“How’d you know? Hurts like hell, though. But, um— I miss you, a lot, obviously. And I hate that we’ve been fighting more now that you’re on the road again and I’m not with you, it doesn’t feel good because all I want is you here with me. All I want is you to come home. It- it feels so empty without you here.” 

“Princess, I-“ he starts, but she cuts him off before he could continue. 

“In all four years of our relationship, it’s never been so hard for us to be- us? And I thought about it, y’know, been crying myself to death over you, Mr. Styles, you’re quite the heartthrob. Literally.” You snort softly, trying to break the ice. Her lips draw up when she hears a matching chuckle coming from him. 

“Tell me then, what’d you realize, silly girl?” He says. 

“I don’t feel like I can be away form you for too long. It doesn’t feel like home here, and I think,” She whispers. “None of our places feel like home when you're not there. I think home has always been wherever you are.”

“Lovie,” Harry’s voice breaks, a telltale sign that he too was feeling the swell of emotion. “Y’breaking m’heart over here.”

“I’m sorry, I just– y'told me to be honest and you needed-”

“I needed to know. Thank y’for telling me, but I’ll see you so soon, Angel. Actually, I can even-” His voice cuts before more rustling is heard, and she can hear the muffled sounds of Harry’s voice, so she assumes that he’s pressed the phone to his chest. A few more brief hums are heard before a muffled ‘thank you!’ makes her brows furrow. “Right then, what’re you doing in like, say 4 to 5 hours?” 

She makes a confused face at this. “What? Uh– nothing, why?”

“You’re coming home, baby.”

—

After exclamations of shock were given to Harry, he excuses himself from the call to get back to his meeting, leaving Y/N laying in her bed staring at the same stars that watched her weep in shock. She sits up with her hands on the white duvet, eyes wide as she whispers out, “I have to pack.”

Jumping out of her bed, she wheels her extra large suitcase out of hers and H’s shared walk-in closet, her green Pleasing beach bag already resting on one of the hooks on the bedroom door. A flurry of clothes, toiletries, makeup, and hair equipment gets sporadically thrown around the room, everything ultimately ending up in her suitcase. She places her more important items into her beach bag which now worked as her carry-on, and wheels everything out into the foyer. 

Checking the time which now reads 6:30, she calls for an Uber to arrive at their house to transport her to the LAX airport. Her flight was set to leave in 2 and half hours, leaving her with just enough time to check in, find her gate, and grab a coffee once she's got to her terminal.

—

The long flight went just as expected, her fear of flying slightly eliminated by the (in her opinion, wildly unnecessary) first-class seating, courtesy of her incredibly dramatic boyfriend. She fell asleep 2 hours into the flight and slept for the majority of the it, her lack of sleep finally catching up to her. Waking up about 30 minutes before landing, she twists her head to open the window door, being greeted with the softest sunset she’s convinced she’s ever seen. And suddenly, her chest doesn’t feel as tight anymore.

The baggage claim was a wreck, delaying her from seeing Harry by another hour, but eventually, she made it into the car of the driver that Harry sent. Staring out the window, the condensation from the weather outside slightly obstructed her view of the beautiful city that she’d never seen before, and all she could think about was how she wanted to experience it with her love. 

“Ma’am, we’re here.” The driver calls from the front, distracting her from her thoughts. Thanking him profusely, she jumps out of the vehicle, running toward the back entrance that Jeff had texted her to go to. The security guard at the door, James, a kind older man who she’s known since she started dating Harry, opens his arms and greets her with a smile. She grins and runs into his arms, James lifting her a little. Her dynamic with James reminded her of the relationship she'd had with her late father, and that made him even more important and special to her. 

“Mi sonrisa,” She looks at him with a bright smile. “Welcome back.” 

“Muchas gracias, te he extrañado,” She greets back, grabbing the VIP pass that he’d pulled out of his pocket. “I’ll see you in a few, thank you for waiting for me!” 

A wide grin is now plastered on her face, nearly splitting her face in half. This is where she belonged. Skipping down the halls of the venue, occasionally asking a worker passing by where the hallways were to get to the dressing rooms. Once she finally found them, she walked up to Harry’s, a nervous twinge making itself known in her tummy. Raising a fist to knock, she taps on the door softly with her knuckles, waiting for Harry to answer the door. She doesn’t even have time to register that the door opened at all before she’s grabbed by Harry and immediately pulled into his arms.

“My sweet love,” His voice is hoarse, strained, almost as if he’d been crying. He pulls her back just enough to see her face, a soft smile on his face and green eyes shiny with tears. He places a kiss on her forehead, before dipping down to be eye level with her and laying the softest kiss on her lips. It was featherlight, and the room was quiet, so quiet, that the only sounds that were heard were their soft, slowly interconnecting breaths, and the soft smack of their lips breaking. Harry stared at her face once more, Y/N sharing the same sentiment, nothing but pure understanding in both of their eyes. It was Y/N who broke first this time, connecting their lips in a deeper, meaningful kiss. 

When they both pulled away, Harry pressed another kiss to her temple before cradling the back of her head with his hand, bringing her face into his neck. Tilting his head down to have his lips leveled with her ear, he whispered, “Welcome home.”

✿✿✿

[rkiveologist]

"I c-cant take it!" | jhs

pairing: sub!hoseok x gn!reader | wc: 746

genre/au: idol!au, established relationship, fluff and smut | warnings: he puts a considerate amount of time into picking those songs to put on his insta story, hobi leg appreciation, usage of baby boy and pup/puppy, he cant lie for the life of him, whining, handjob, begging, and overstimulation (hobi cries a little bit), there are more implied sexual acts at the end

summary: your admiration for your sweet little hubby's legs end in you giving him a mind numbing handjob.

a/n: this is my first piece in like 2 years so please cut me some slack im a little rusty LMFAO. i really want to continue more of this submissive bts agenda its so addicting.

-----

As you walked up the stairs of your shared home with your husband of 3 years, a variety of music reached your ears, none lasting more than 30 seconds before getting changed. Reaching and opening the door to your bedroom to see your husband sprawled out in nothing but a hoodie and boxers, you asked a simple "Whatcha doin?" as you took a seat on the edge of the bed.

"Yoongi Hyung made these wooden whales. I'm trying to figure out which song would go well with them," he huffed.

"Oh yeah?" you replied, distracted, as you stared at his legs. Have they always been this shiny? Did he just shave? You pondered, not realizing how lewdly your hands had felt up on Hobi's legs until he slid his legs up and, with a nervous giggle, asked, "Okay, now what are YOU doing?"

You smiled at him and softly replied, "Sorry babe, I didn't even notice." You decide to give him a big ol kiss as compensation. You climb up closer to his closed thighs and can't help but notice his resistance to opening them. An even softer, "You okay, baby boy?" left your mouth in slight concern.

As he made eye contact with you, not only did it look quite forced, but it was quickly contradicted by a huge smile that broke out on his face that he quickly tried to suppress. An unsure "Yeah, I'm fine" hastily left his mouth.

You sighed, "Hope, you do know that lying is not your forte, right?"

"I'm not lying!" he claims, with the same face and a soft pout.

"Then what are you hiding?" You press and with bright red cheeks, he spreads his legs to reveal his leaking cock straining against the restrictive piece of cloth. You cooed at him and palmed his print, letting him whimper out loud as his hips bucked up against your hand. You explained to him as he nodded along to your words, "You don't have to hesitate to tell me when you need me. I'm perfectly fine with taking care of you love."

"Y/n please do something, it hurts," he begged.

"Damn, who knew touching your legs would've made you this needy?" you teased as you dipped your hands into his boxers to pull out his cock.

The tip is bright red and leaking precum all over, and as you go to cup his swollen balls, he gently kicks his legs out and whines loudly, "Y/n just stop teasing and let me cum already. It's not fair."

Oh? "Since when did you make the rules puppy?" You spit out as you wrap one hand around the base of his cock and rub the open palm of your other hand on his sensitive tip in fast, tight circles.

You get an immediate reaction from him, "Shit shit shit, Y/n wait!" His back arches off the bed as he tries to keep up, even attempting to close his legs around your hands.

A stern, "Look at me," leaves your lips and it has your baby's tear-filled eyes struggling not to roll back and make eye contact with you. "Open." Was all you had to say before his shaking thighs reluctantly separated.

"P-please, I c-cant take it!" he pleaded.

"But you haven't cum yet, puppy?" you questioned before continuing your onslaught on his weeping cock. "You seem so close though, I know you are."

"Mmm y-yes m' so close," he slurred out as tears cascaded down his face.

"Come on, pup, you can do it, cum for me," you coaxed as you removed your palm from his tip and just pumped his cock. A loud sob that echoed throughout the room turned into a silent scream as your husband arched his back in such a pornographic way with shut eyes and fists clenched in the sheets, you didn't even notice the ropes of cum reaching the bottom of his chin. He was beautiful.

A new round of tears welled up in his eyes as you never stopped pumping his softening cock and weakly shut his legs again, but this time you simply let him. You whispered sweet nothings in his ear as he came down from the high, patting the bottom of his thigh before getting up and coming back with a washcloth in hand to clean up.

After gently wiping him down, he laid there blissed out in just a hoodie, quietly staring at you, waiting for you to come back to bed.

"You know Whalien 52 would be the perfect song for your story, hobi."

"Y/n, did you cum?"

"Oh."

[skz1-4-3]

SICK - F

This chapter is sfw

(Takes place in s2 in the new hideout)

Content info : you got sick and felt like staying in bed all day , to your luck your boyfriend so-mun noticed and took great care of you.

Reader is afab and uses she/her pronouns.

Keywords : Y/n -> your/name

Second person POV

Warnings : probably some grammatical errors , Y/n slightly cussed, so-mun is overly caring(?), thats it , Let me know if i missed any warnings to give in the comments or per messages.

—————————————————————————

„Ugh“ you groan with your face in the pillow , your throat had been aching for the past few days and your coughs just got a lot more frequent. Then your nose started running and you felt like throwing up , which led you to this moment. You were obviously sick , but being a counter its not like you could take a day off , especially around this time of the year . Winter depression was a world wide thing , even in korea where everything seemed so nice and peaceful. So evil spirits were out on the run for depressed and drained souls , which definitely worked because they just wouldn’t stop spawning.

You tried breathing normally but with each breath you took in , the urge to cough and throw up just got bigger. It was not a pleasant feeling. In the middle of your coughing session your lovely boyfriend so mun decided to give you a visit. Opening the door and walking over to you , with a worried expression, he reached out his arm and turned you over , so you were lying on your back.

„Sugarplum, are you alright?“ he asked in a small voice , as if he ,if he spoke any louder , his voice would break you.

„Do i look like im fine?“ you responded in a grumpy voice , not in the mood to answer his obvious questions all happy and nice. He put his hand on your forehead, measuring your temperature and you felt like you were burning. His eyebrows furrowed and his concern grew.

„C‘mon , sit up for me . Drink this“ he said and helped you sit up straight,handing you a bottle of water that he had brought with him alongside some snacks that were neatly placed on your nightstand. You carefully drank a few sips as so mun put a few strands of hair , that had fallen onto your face previously, behind your ear.

„Do you want me to get you some medicine? I think we still have some from when jeokbong got sick.“ he spoke softly , his eyes gazing into yours with a loving touch to them.

„no , its fine. But can we cuddle for a bit?“ you asked, your voice cracking up a little in between words. So mun nodded , a smile appearing on his face , his lips slightly parting. Your eyes slid down and gazed at them , so soft and plum. Gosh how bad you wanted to kiss them , but you knew getting the best counter sick was not a good idea. He laid down and pulled the blanket on top of him , holding up a part so you could slide underneath.

His arm wrapped securely around your waist , as your head laid on his chest. Your arms wrapping around his torso . The warmth radiating from his body put you in a calm state , you felt comfortable. It made you a little sleepy , so mun reassured you that it was okay to go to sleep and rest a little more. The gang could surely handle a few stray evil spirits themselves, without the two of you.

His free hand came up to caress your face and that was the final thing , that had needed to be done ,to put you, to sleep. Your eyes fell closed and so mun smiled at your sleeping figure. How had he managed, to make a girl as gorgeous and lovely as you , make you love a simple guy like him? But you also often asked yourself this , how had you charmed him to like you , a plain girl? Both of you thought of yourselves as so simple and plain , not realizing that one another found the one before them so mesmerizing.

You truly loved each other.

—————————————————————————

A short one shot that i started when i was sick. I was sick for like 3 weeks . No idea why , but i still have some coughing even though im not sick and its sure is annoying . Breathing also sometimes hurts a little. But anyways good night/day 🫶

[nyasstars]

infrunami - yang jeongin🦋

"you're a shitty friend"

synopsis. jeongin has been pining over a girl in his class for years now. until he realizes that the true love of his life was always right in front of him.

cw : hurt/angst, non idol!collegejeongin x fem!collegereader, unrequited feelings, mutual pining (eventually), slow burn?, cursing, eventual fluff, hurt feelings, reader is referred to as JJ (cs why not)

wc: 1.7k

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

after Felix had walked you back to your apartment, you lazily plopped down onto the couch beside Yuna. "how was the studio?", she asked, never looking up from her phone. "I quit the team" you huffed. "Felix did too"

"wait seriously? why?" she gawked at you while tilting her head. "we just.. hated it. the leader was so obnoxious and she just had no regards for anyone else." she nodded and shrugged, "I met her once, actually. she was in a course I was taking. dropped it the next day"

"I'm not surprised, anyone who meets her probably wants to rip their hair out. I'm gonna go take a shower" you clapped, using all your strength to stand up. "you should. you stink" she twisted up her face at you. flipping her off, you walk towards the bathroom.

your shower had left you feeling refreshed, although it felt like all your energy had gone down the shower drain. it took your remaining energy to get out of the shower and get dressed. you dropped your phone onto the nightstand beside your bed and with a sigh and heavy eyelids, you laid on your bed and started to consume yourself in your thoughts. Felix and the dance team.. you were still in shock that he'd actually left the team just because you did. then Christopher, or Chan, how had you never known about him?

a buzz from your phone pulled you out of your thoughts. you grabbed your phone with a sigh. the contact that once made the heat rise up to your face now make you huff in slight annoyance. unlocking your phone, you responded to the message.

innie <3 : hey, how was the library? did you guys get any work done?

you : absolutely no work was done 😭 how was your "study" session with soojin?

innie <3 : well our STUDY session got cut short and we didn't get to finish.

you : didn't finish ?😏 I wonder why, maybe it's because you guys stopped midway to make out

sending that message ignited a pang in your chest. the thought of them being together romantically and soojin getting the one thing you've wanted since high school broke your heart.

innie <3 : okay you are gross 😭 but no, it's because she had to go to work so we were gonna meet up tomorrow to finish it.. is it cool with you?

you : of course, I mean you don't have to ask my permission to hang out with her lmao

innie <3 : cool.. so how was your day? didn't you have dance today? how was it?

it angered you that after blowing you, and the rest of your friends, off, he just asked about your day like it was nothing. it angered you that after he had ignored you all day after class, he could just talk to you. it angered you that your heart warmed at the thought of him still wanting to know about your day.

you : quit lmao 😭

innie <3 : what the hell? why? I thought you loved dancing

you : I do, trust me. it was just the team and chaeryoung were so unbearable. she's so obnoxious for no reason

innie <3 : I get it. im sorry though, I know you'll find another team that's worthy of your talent <3

you sighed, solely because you knew that no matter what he did, you could never stay mad at him. and that no matter what he did, you'd always love him. and that no matter what, he wanted soojin and not you.

you : thanks innie. but can we talk tomorrow? im exhausted lol

innie <3 : of course. love you!! goodnight <3 read 9:47pm

its not like you were lying. you were tired. but you couldn't find it in you to respond to his last text because you knew he didn't mean it the way you did. you slid your phone back onto the nightstand and succumbed back to your thoughts.

but before you knew it, fatigue took you over and you had fallen asleep.

"why do you hate her so much?" jeongin shouted in your face, his naturally calm demeanor now replaced by anger and disdain. "it's like ever since you found out I liked soojin, all you do is talk shit about her, judge her, and get mad when we hang out."

tears began to brim in your eyes but you didn't dare let them fall; refusing to let him see how much he was hurting you. "I just don't like her, okay? do I have to like her just because you do?"

"but you can't give me a single valid reason as to why you don't like her!! as my best friend, I expected you to support me." he throws his hands up in frustration. you opened your mouth to speak, but you couldn't. the words were at the tip of your tongue, yet you couldn't force them out. the real reason you hated his crush so much -because it wasn't you. "I- I just can't. im sorry innie." you whisper.

"you're a shitty friend" he scoffs before walking away.

gasping, you sit up and immediately hug your knees. hot tears roll down your face, you'd been crying. was it possible to cry in your sleep? you needed to talk to somebody - anybody. when you grabbed your phone - it read 3:23am, and scrolled through your contact list, your finger hovered above his a little longer than it should have. you wanted to talk to him but if you did, then you'd have to explain to him what the dream was about.

you placed your phone to your side and laid back down, staring at the off-white ceiling. you slowly drifted back into your thoughts, seemingly unable to fall back asleep. but it was as though he consumed your every thought.

you wanted to buy new clothes, he has an amazing sense of style. you needed new decorations for your room, shopping with him is so funny. Christopher has such cute dimples, but nobody's dimples are cuter than jeongin's.

he consumed your every thought. every hope and dream. every time you considered the future, there was no way for you to think about it without seeing him. when you closed your eyes, you saw his smile and the way his eyes disappeared as they folded into crescents.

grabbing your phone, it read

Saturday, November 10th, 10:12am

with droopy eyelids and dried tears, you trudged to the bathroom in a failed attempt to shower which resulted in you simply standing under the shower head for almost twenty minutes. after you got out and got dressed, you headed straight for the couch and plunged onto it. "you look awful" yuna gawked at you from the kitchen, peering over the counter.

"well good morning to you too Yuna. and I know, I didn't sleep" you groan, dramatically throwing your head back. "I think I'm gonna go to the campus cafe, wanna come?" you quirk your head up

"nah, I have to get back to the library."

nodding, you go back to your room and grab your wallet. "text me if you want anything." you shout on your way out the door. the breeze of the november wind sends chills down your spine as goosebumps paint your arms underneath your sweater. similarly to when you'd been walking to the library, the leaves danced under the spell of the wind, sweeping the ground you walked on and flying about.

when you'd finally arrived at the campus cafe after what felt like an eternity, you shivered at the stark contrast of the warmth of the cafe mixed with the succulent scent of coffee versus the cool wind from outside. after ordering, you stood to the side to await your drink when you heard a familiar voice ordering as well. when he walked over to you, he smiled, showing off his dimples.

"we've got to stop meeting like this", you smiled. "hi Christopher" he reminded you so much of jeongin. the way his eyes disappeared when he grinned, a smile so heartwarming and dimples that you swore made your eyes turn into hearts. "hi JJ", he grinned. "how are you?"

"exhausted. I know I look rough." you giggle. "didn't get much sleep last night?" he tilted his head, concern plastered on his face. when you nod in response, he continues. "I know what that's like."

"life must be so difficult as an RA. how many all nighters do you have to pull?" you glaze, dramatically pretending to sympathize with him as you both grabbed your drinks after your names were called.

he throws his head back, loudly laughing. "do you want to sit down? I don't have anywhere to be right now" he offers, gesturing towards an empty table. following him to the table, you sit down to continue your conversation. "so, tell me all about the secret life of being an RA" you smile, taking a sip of your espresso (caffeine addict)

he laughs again, "well I will have you know that im not only an RA. im also a producer. my friends and I are a music trio. and im no stranger to all nighters" he shrugs.

"oh really? what's your name? I'd love to listen in sometimes" you ask, genuinely intrigued. he goes on to tell you more about himself, his hobbies, his friends, his major, etc.

by the time he finished talking, you felt like you had known him your whole life. "so tell me about yourself. I feel like I've been talking about me this whole time" he smiles again, taking a sip of his tea.

"okay well, im a psychology major, considering switching to pre-med. im also a dancer and I love music..." you went on to tell him more about yourself when he interjected. "you dance? what team are you on?" he tilts his head.

"well... im not currently on one per se" you enunciate, "I was on one but I quit recently. the leader was insufferable and she treated the team members horribly. my friend Felix quit too." he nods in understanding.

"if you are looking for one, my friends have a dance team. they're throwing a party later, if you want to stop by and meet them. you can get to know them and ask about their team."

"I thought as an RA you were supposed to shut down parties, not encourage them" you raise an eyebrow.

"well. sometimes you have to break a few rules to enforce them." he giggles.

a/n : Tumblr needa stop playin with me 😒 cause why I had to rewrite this chapter almost three times because it wouldn't save in my drafts. anyway, I've realized that im so much better at writing inner thoughts then dialogue 😭 I hate writing dialogue. but this fic is seemingly very self-indulgent ?? lmaoo

[geniusalpaca]

Wizarding World Masterlist

THESE ARE NOT MINE! These are just fics that i really liked. Please check out the really talented authors of these fics. If there are any mistakes in this list (like links not working etc) Please let me know! Recommendations are welcome!

WARNING: Some of these fics may be NSFW i tried to mark those with an *. But if i missed some please let me know!

Remus Lupin 

- corrupted* by @ameliora-j

there’s absolutely nothing wrong with shy!innocent!naive!reader, except for the fact that she trusts her therapist entirely too much. he tells her that his special treatment is the only way to turn off her mind

-  The best one by @cryonme

Remus accidentally hurts you during a full moon, and you try your best to hide your pain

-  Poor bunny by @robynlilyblack

Y/n doesn’t understand why her friends are lying to her every month, so on one full moon she follows them…

- (untitled) by @luveline

(no summary)

Sirius Black

-  How to Fall in Love: For Dummies by @wizardwritings

Modern AU. You and Sirius have been best friends for years now, but after six months of living with him, you realize that maybe you liked him as more than a friend. The plan? To make him realize the same thing in just three, foolproof steps.

-  Rain by @robynlilyblack 

Y/n has been in love with James for years, watching painfully from the side-lines as he failed to woo Lily. When they finally get together she finds comfort in her best friend, as time passes she finds herself falling for him but will it end up the same way or will she get her happy ending this time?

-  A pretty boy and his pretty girl by @robynlilyblack

Sirius makes a bet he can play y/n, but she doesn’t succumb so easily to his charms, but will he to hers?

-  Three Fatal Words by @wreckofawriter 

Arguments have always been a problem for Sirius especially when he is so close to spilling 3 fatal words

-  Worth the Risk Pt 2 by @strawberrysodaslut

“Following your breakup with Sirius, you look back on what lead you to dating him. When you find yourself again, you also find the truth.”

James Potter

Poly!marauders

-  Breakfast in bed* by @myfictionaldreams 

Reader is in subspace and has a panic attack and the Marauders try to calm her down.

- (untitled)* by @pinkandblueblurbs

No summary just pure smut

Regulus Black

- He loves you by @cryonme

The Marauders hold a silent grudge against you for falling in love with the younger Black, until one day everything comes out in an argument, and Sirius has no choice but to find his brother, and see for himself how much he loves you.

-  A snake and his little bird by @robynlilyblack

Y/n has been keeping her relationship with a certain Black brother secret, but when James starts investigating why she's always stealing the map she's in hot water

Fred Weasley

- The Wizard and the No-Mag by @thecrystalquill

Fred falls in love with a muggle (I love this fic so much)

Harry potter

-  You mess with one of us you mess with all of us by @robynlilyblack

Umbridge has been giving Y/n Potter detentions constantly for almost a month but when it begins to take its toll the pink toad will have to deal with the wrath of entire potter clan

- Bad one by @robynlilyblack

Y/n is used to her nosebleeds as are her family but this time it’s different

Masterlists:

@robynlilyblack

Please just check out her entire account she is my favourite writer on here and I love all of her storys. I know I have a few listed on here but those are just my all time favorites. But her page is so worth checking out so please go and do that.

[fyonahmacnally]

Supercorptober2023

Day 2 & 3: Romance/Kara

The following two weeks pass by in a blur. Letting the team know about their trip went more smoothly than they anticipated. Once contingency plans are put into place and emergency protocols created, the two of them relax into the planning. Knowing Supergirl can still get back in true emergencies made things easier, but they certainly don’t want it to be the go-to. Both of them make sure their obligations are covered during their absence, Kara’s superhero and editor-in-chief duties are the easy part. Lena has to make sure her business interests are placed in reliable and trustworthy hands, a much harder task. 

With Lex’s presumed death and Lillain’s passing, all of the Luthor holdings fall back into Lena’s hands. She immediately makes some of the moves her previous self did back before the multiverse collapse. She renames the company to L-Corp, again, and fires all of Lex’s lackeys company-wide. After that, she brings Samantha Arias back on board as CFO. Then, she finds her old assistant, Jessica Huang. However, instead of making her executive assistant, she hires the feisty woman as L-Corp’s new COO. With the two of them in the C-suite, she is confident L-Corp and all its subsidiaries will be in good hands. 

With all the crucial things squared away, the two of them work on final checklists for what they need for a month in Ireland. Lena knows most of the everyday things are already stocked at the cottage and has spoken to the groundskeeper to make sure fresh groceries are waiting on them as well. They only need to focus on personal items, clothing, and toiletries. Given the remote location of the place, they likely won’t be needing anything fancy, but toss a few things in just in case.

As the days pass and their departure gets closer, they spend more and more time together. Things seem to be gradually morphing into what they used to be. Before the betrayal. Before the Phantom Zone. Before it all fell apart. The night before their departure, they’re laying on Lena’s bed joking and laughing like nothing has changed, like they’d always done this. It causes Lena to pause and her heart to race. 

Kara notices.

“Hey, are you okay?” Blue eyes scan across Lena’s face as she reaches out to place a hand on the long, slender pale fingers lying on the bed between them. “Your um, your heart is beating really fast.”

Lena cocks her head to the side and raises a perfectly sculpted brow in confusion, unintentionally changing the subject. “You can hear my heartbeat. Of course.” She chuckles, only just now realizing that her best friend has always been able to hear her traitorous heart. That she has likely known all along that her heart beats faster when Kara is near. “I guess I should get used to that since you’ve likely been doing it for years, huh?”

Kara ducks her head sheepishly, a rosy blush adorning her cheeks. “I’m sorry, Lena. I, um, I can try to stop? I don’t mean to. At least most of the time, but I…it just…” She sighs, running her hand down her face in frustration at her lack of coherence. “My brain does it automatically a lot of the time. It’s how I know you’re safe. Also, it’s, uh, one of the only things that helps me sleep. Especially now. It, um, it helps keep me calm. I’m really sorry. It’s kind of an invasion of your privacy now that I think about it.”

The blonde looks away, not sure what else she can say to make this any less awkward or creepy. She’s listened to that strong heartbeat for so long now, she’s not even sure she can stop. Not being able to hear it in the Phantom Zone was torture on top of the phantom visions and nightmares. 

A cold hand gently rests on her chin, pulling her gaze back to the conversation. 

“Well, I suppose technically, it is and I’m not sure how I feel about it. But…there’s a part of me that likes the idea that you find comfort in my heart beat.” She smiles and dips her head into her pillow, hoping it prevents Kara from seeing the blush creeping from her neck onto her cheeks. “Um, I guess I can relate? In a way, maybe? Your scent is kind of like that for me. While you were…gone, I slept on your couch and in your bed a few times. I just…I missed you so much. Your apartment was the only place that I could still smell you. The only place I could still feel you all around me. It was the only place I felt safe…because I felt close to you.”

Neither of them say a word, they both remain completely still and quiet for a long time after those words are spoken. An unwitting confession made. Blue and green eyes quietly watching the other until they fall asleep with their hands gently resting together between them. 

The morning sun rouses them from their slumber the following day. They both seem to open their eyes at the same time, smiling sleepily just as Lena’s alarm sounds into the room breaking the serenity. Kara groans and pulls the duvet over her head as Lena giggles at the Kryptonian’s antics. 

“Come on, Kara. You know we have to leave for the airport in an hour and if you want to stop and get breakfast on the way, we need to get up.” Lena pokes the woman in the side and pulls the covers away from her face. They both laugh as Kara lets out a whining groan. “I’ll buy you your favorite from Noonan’s.” She sing-songs the words and grins as she watches the blonde’s eyes light up.

Hopping out of bed, they get through their morning routines pretty quickly. It takes them about 45 minutes before they’re out the door and down to the waiting car, luggage in tow. Food secured and luggage loaded, they head to the private airstrip where Lena's personal jet is waiting for them. It’s been a while since she’s used this particular plane and she’s a little excited to show Kara. 

Lena exits the car and makes her way over to her pilot while Kara loads their bags. Once they’re buckled into their seats ready for take off, she reaches out for Kara’s hand. As much time as she spends on planes, takeoff never gets easier. When the plane is in the air and levels off, Lena squeezes Kara’s hand and unbuckles, gesturing for her to stand. She shows the blonde to the sleeping quarters and restrooms as well as where the snacks are. She smiles at the wonder on her best friend’s face and is briefly reminded of their trip to Kaznia before shaking the memory away.

The two of them fall into a comfortable silence for the next few hours, Lena reading through some new scientific research and Kara sifting through the contract Cat has been after her to look over. The two women are lost in their thoughts and prospective distractions until Kara’s stomach lets out a monstrous rumble. They both chuckle before Lena sits her reading aside and heads to the galley to heat the food she had placed on the plane earlier. Having only been in the air for five hours, she knows they still have eight more to go. She just hopes there are enough snacks on board to keep a Kryptonian stomach at bay. Loading the plates and drinks onto a rolling cart, she heads back to their seats to a grinning blonde.

She smiles as she watches Kara’s eyes sparkle and face brighten at the first bite of their late lunch. “This is actually really good, Lena. Lasagna?” She says, mouth still half full of food before she swallows and grins. “Where’d you get it? This is better than Eliza’s!”

“Well, that’s good to know.” She blushes and reaches out to take a drink of her wine. “I made it earlier this week and had it brought over so we could have something decent to eat on our flight. There’s a few other things in the fridge if you get hungry again later.” She gestures back toward the galley before focusing back on her plate. 

Kara’s eyes widen and she looks at Lena with such fondness and affection that the raven haired genius has to look away. “Y-you made this?!” She gaped at the woman sitting next to her. “Lena! I didn’t know you could cook. Why didn’t you tell me? You mean I could have been enjoying this for all these years! You’ve been holding out on me!” 

Lena can’t help but laugh and roll her eyes at the blonde. “If you think about it, Kara. There are a lot of things we never really talked about during our friendship. Maybe we can remedy that on this trip?” She swallows another drink of her wine and raises a brow at the now blushing blonde. 

“But yes, we’ve never really talked about my love of cooking, I guess. I don’t have a lot of time for it anymore. Or at least I didn’t. It’s something I taught myself when I finally had my own place in Metropolis. It was a way to be different from the Luthors.” Her eyes drift off as her mind thinks fondly of the days at her start-up, a bearded smile, and the man she once loved. She clears her throat and forces her mind back to the moment with a shrug. “I’ve always considered cooking as a kind of experiment, just with ingredients and not chemicals or prototypes. It seems to work in my favor.”

They finish up their meals and Lena takes the plates and glasses back to the galley. She takes a moment to clean and stow everything, giving herself a little break from being in such close proximity to Kara. Now that she is painfully aware of the fact that Kara can hear her heartbeat, she has to pay more attention to the way her body reacts to her best friend. 

Eventually, they both start to drift off to sleep. By the third time Kara’s head bounces off Lena’s shoulder, she decides they need to retire to the bedroom for the evening. It’s a good decision. Sleeping through the remainder of the flight makes the trip seem much faster. By the time they both wake from their nap, the pilot has come over the speaker and asked them to take their seats for landing. 

The rest of the trek to the cottage goes by in a blur. They arrive at the airport to an awaiting SUV and the cottage groundskeeper, a nice older gentleman named Liam Walsh. Liam helps pack them into the SUV and takes the wheel for the one hour drive to Islandmagee. He shows them some of the landmarks and recommends a few places they should visit during their stay. He also reminds Lena that he lives close-by and has the keys if she needs him to take care of anything during their stay.

As he pulls the SUV into the gravel drive in front of the cottage, he turns to Lena and smiles. “Here’s the keys to the vehicle, love.” He drops the keys into her palm and squeezes her wrist. “You look so much like her, ya know. Your mam.”

Lena’s mouth drops open. She wanted to ask Liam if he was related to her mother given his last name and the area he lives. “Y-you knew my mother?” She stutters almost too quiet to be heard. “A-are you kin to us?” She latches onto his large hand, desperate for any information she could get.

“Aye. Lizzie was my cousin. We grew up on this land. It’s been in our family for hundreds of years. You’ve got lots of kin ‘round here, love.” Liam smiled, patting Lena on the shoulder before opening the door to get their luggage out. “Why dontcha get settled in and rest. I’ll come by again in a few days and we can talk. No doubt you’ve got some questions.”

Kara reaches out for Lena’s arm, gently squeezing before whispering, “You okay?” She watches as a few tears roll down pale cheeks. The blonde bolts out of the backseat and pulls her best friend into a warm hug. “Come on, let’s get inside.”

Liam watches the two of them and smiles. He drops their bags on the small patio at the front door and steps aside. “Alright, love. My number’s on the notepad next to the phone in the den. Give me a ring in a couple days. I’ll come by and we can chat. Maybe have ya over for dinner to meet your cousins.” He winks at her and pats her shoulder again as he walks by, heading to his own car parked in the drive. “Glad to have ya here, Lena. I look forward to getting to know you.”

She is left speechless. When she spoke with Liam before their arrival, she was curious if he was related to her mother and by extension her, but she didn’t want to assume. Walsh is a common name. To know that she has blood relatives so close, people that actually knew her mother, it’s overwhelming in the best way possible. She’s looking forward to finding out more about this side of her family. However, right now, she wants to get inside the cottage and process the chaos of her emotions. 

“You ready to go inside?” Kara asks, cerulean eyes watching Lena with deep concern. “Today has been a lot. I’ll understand if you need some time to process things alone. I can make myself scarce if that’s what you need.” She wraps her arms around Lena’s shoulders, pulling her into her chest before stepping back and smiling to give her best friend a little space. 

Lena takes a deep breath as she wipes the tears away from her cheeks. “Yes, let’s go explore the cottage. I know it doesn’t look much like it did when my mother lived here, but I’ve only seen pictures and I’m curious.” She turns the key and pushes the door open. 

The place steals her breath. She can see that it has been remodeled and modernized. The door opens into a bright and open den with a fireplace. There is an island bar separating the living space from the kitchen. Through the floor-to-ceiling windows, she can see a patio with a table and a beautiful view of the shoreline. The more they explore, the more breathtaking the place is. 

“What do you say we check out the patio before we finish exploring the rest of the cottage?” Kara asks, reaching for Lena’s hand to pull her toward the door. “We can get settled after we explore. Come on, it’s 7:00 am, Lena. We have all day!” They both laugh as Kara pulls her out the back door onto the patio.

It’s a sight she didn’t expect. Lush green grass surrounded by bushes and trees, a telescope sitting on the deck overlooking the bay, and a hot tub sitting in the corner surrounded by a privacy fence with a built-in bar. Just beyond the hot tub, a little closer to the shoreline, there is a quaint little gazebo with a couch that’s perfect for watching sunrises or sunsets. It’s so much more than she ever imagined. Of course, the amenities scream Luthor and that makes her roll her eyes, but she is grateful that they maintained the cottage feel of the place. It’s perfect and she can’t wait to see what else awaits her inside.

The two of them eventually make their way through the entire cottage. It’s smaller than Lena initially thought, but still has two bedrooms, a small library/office in the loft, an open concept kitchen and den, a full bathroom between the bedrooms, and a small water closet close to the den. Add that to the outdoor space and it’s more than enough for them to live comfortably for the next month. Or longer should they choose.

Once they get their luggage into their rooms and unpacked, they meet back in the den. Lena settles into the couch while Kara gets a fire going. She catches herself watching the blonde as she arranges the firewood into the fireplace. Her best friend’s sinewy forearms easily capture her attention, the way she seems to move so fluidly through the task. It reminds her of all the times she’s drifted into fantasies, Kara's arms, her hands, and her imagination conjuring up the abs hidden under those cardigans. There have been plenty of times that her brain’s focus has been Kara, Kara, Kara. 

“Lena! Where’d you go?” Kara says, waving her hands in front of her best friend’s face. She chuckles as she kneels in front of the CEO. “I called your name several times. I got us both a bottle of water. I figure we can chat for a while before it’s time for lunch and you can spend some time in the library after that, if you want. You seem a bit distracted. If you need to spend time alone, please just tell me. I don’t want to be in your way. I know you need to figure some things out.” She watches Lena with an apprehensive look on her face, waiting for an answer.

She can feel her cheeks burning as she realizes Kara caught her deep into her not so platonic thoughts about her. Obviously, Kara doesn’t know that, but it doesn’t make it any less embarrassing. Swallowing her shame, she forces herself to look into her favorite pair of blue eyes. “Sorry. I was just thinking about some things. You getting the fire going just caused some things to resurface in my mind. It’s been a long day, so much to process.” 

She shakes her head, not sure where to even begin sifting through all the things in her head. Then it dawns on her, a way for the two of them to ask and talk about things they haven’t in the past. “How about we play a game? We were just talking about how there are things we’ve never really talked about, right?”

Kara’s brow furrows, the adorable little crinkle forming. “Yeah, that did come up recently. You can ask me anything you want, Lena. We promised no more lies. Whatever you ask, I’ll answer.” She cocks her head to the side, trying to figure out what game could be related to this topic. “Is there a game that you have in mind? One that would help in this situation?”

Lena smiles at Kara’s adorable head tilt. It has always reminded her of a golden retriever puppy. “Have you not ever played 20 Questions? I can’t believe that. There’s no way with Alex as your sister that you’ve never heard of that game!” She feigns shock and presses her hand to her chest. “It’s pretty easy to play. Each of us asks a question and we both answer.”

“I have heard of the game, but now that you mention it, I haven’t ever played it. There are a couple games like that I’ve never played.” She smiles shyly and a light rosiness colors her cheeks. “Alex mentioned a game once called, um, ‘Never Have I Ever’, I think that’s what it’s called. I never played that one either. She said it was a drinking game and well, you know human alcohol doesn’t do anything for me.” She gestures up and down herself as Lena’s eyes track her movements.

“Well, we can play both, if you want. We don’t have to drink right now since it isn’t even noon yet in Ireland. Though technically, it’s after midnight for us.” Lena smirks, raising her left brow in the way she knows gets Kara’s attention. “It’s up to you, but for the record, I packed some Aldebaran rum for you. Alex got it for me. I wanted you to be able to relax and drink if you wanted to.”

Kara smiles, her eyes softening with pure affection for the woman next to her. “Let’s save the rum for later. We can still play either of the games, if you want. I think both of us are too tired. Plus, we’ve had a really long day so drinking might not be the best idea.” She reaches out to grab her bottle of water and drains it before looking back at Lena. “Would you rather play 20 Questions or ‘Never Have I Ever’ right now?”

“Hmm, let me think.” Lens taps her chin with a smirk painted on her lips. She’s not sure how she wants to play this. Either game will get her some information she has been curious about for a long time, but one is decidedly less platonic than the other. It really comes down to how brave she is feeling at the moment. It isn’t like there’s anyone else around to hear any of their answers anyway, right? That thought helps make her decision. “What if we play ‘Never Have I Ever’ first? If it’s too much for either of us, we can switch to 20 Questions?”

A big, wide smile spreads across Kara’s face and she squeals in excitement. “Yes! I’ve never played, but always wanted to based on Alex and her friends talking about it. I’m happy that my first time is with you. How do you decide who goes first?” She bounces in her seat, practically vibrating with anticipation. “How are we going to know who has done the things asked for ‘Never Have I Ever’ if we don’t have drinks?”

Lena chuckles. She can’t get over how excitable and adorable Kara is about this. “How about we get more water and use it as the drink for the game?” She watches as Kara walks away, the jeans she’s wearing hug her muscular thighs and ass like they were made specifically for her. Lena has to bite her cheek to prevent herself from letting out a groan of frustration at how unfairly attractive her best friend is. For what feels like the hundredth time today, she shakes the thoughts from her head and sighs. Her eyes slowly migrate back to an appropriate place, locking onto amused blue ones. “I’ll ask the first question to get the game started if that’s okay with you.”

Kara nods her head and hands the bottle over to Lena, turning to stir the fire again before she plops back down next to the CEO. “That’s fine with me. You’ve played this stuff before and I haven’t.” She grabs the blanket off the back of the couch and slides closer to throw it across both their laps. “Ready whenever you are!”

Leaning her head back onto the cushion behind her, Lena tries to think of an easy first question. She doesn’t want to ask anything too heavy or personal right away since she isn’t sure how Kara will react. “I’m trying to think of something that would have been asked if you played this game as a teenager or in college. Wait, did you go to parties in college?” She looks over at the reporter in curiosity. “We never really talked about our college years. Mine was…interesting.”

“Yes, I went to parties in college. A lot of them, in fact.” She grins as Lena’s raised eyebrow and shrugs. “What? People think I am way more innocent than I actually am. No one ever really asks me about things, they just make a lot of assumptions.” Her hand moves up to her glasses and she pulls them off, tossing them on the table. 

Inside, Lena’s mind is firing rapidly, her thoughts spiraling at what Kara has just said. She isn’t as innocent as people think she is? In what way? Lena’s poor brain is stumbling over itself trying to decipher that. “Okay, in that case, Miss not-so-innocent, never have I ever played spin-the-bottle.” She watches as Kara maintains eye contact with her, screws the cap off the bottle of water, and takes a drink. A dark manicured brow shoots up in surprise as she takes her own drink. “I guess there is a lot more to learn about you, Darling.” 

“Does that mean it’s my turn to ask a question?” Kara grins, shifting in her seat so she is facing Lena. A nod of the CEO’s head confirms and she taps her chin in thought. “Never have I ever…gone skinny dipping.” Curious blue eyes land on mischievous green. 

Lena takes a drink and winks. Kara shakes her head and smiles. “What? I was a very rebellious teenager. Boarding school was very…educational in many ways.” She laughs at the blonde’s gaping mouth and lightly closes it with her fingers. “Better close that or you’ll catch flies. I take it you’ve never gone skinny dipping?”

Kara nods affirming her assumption. Her blushing cheeks betraying her attempt at composure.

“Is that because you’ve never had the opportunity or by your own choice?” She asks, hoping she isn't prying too much. “You don’t have to tell me, but I am curious and I definitely want to know more about you. My first time skinny dipping was with Andrea and a few other girls from boarding school. We snuck out of our rooms one weekend after midnight and went to the pool. It was a very enlightening experience for a 16 year old me.” She waggles her eyebrows and waits.

“Wow. You went skinny dipping when you were that young?” Kara asks, a little surprised, but also not really. “I think I was still too awkward and weird at that age to do anything remotely rebellious. I didn’t really feel comfortable in my body until I was in college too. So, I didn’t ever really have a chance to get naked in a pool with anyone.” She dips her head, suddenly a bit bashful about her inexperience.

Lena reaches out for her hand and squeezes it, silently asking Kara to look at her. “There’s no reason to be shy about it, Kara. We’ve lived different lives and experienced different things. It’s not like there is a map on how to navigate being a teenager.” She pats the blonde’s warm hand and pulls hers back onto her own lap. She’s not really sure what she wants to ask next, but she definitely wants to steer this towards romantic relationships and sexuality. How though? “Now, my next question. Hmmm. Never have I ever…had a crush on a friend.”

They both take a drink of their water. 

“Who was yours?” Kara asks, an unreadable look in her eyes. “I’ve had more than one, but James was one of those, as you know.” Her eyes dart down to her hands, picking the label off the bottle. 

“Well, my first crush was on a boy named Taylor before I got shipped off to an all girls boarding school.” She rolls her eyes at the thought of that kid. “The first real crush that turned into something? Probably either Veronica or Andrea.” A smirk spreads across her face and she watches Kara’s eyes widen and mouth once again drop open.

“Y-you…but I thought…women?” Kara stutters incoherently before running a hand down her face and tilting her head. Once she gathers her composure and reboots her brain, she asks her question. “So, you’ve been with women? Huh. I guess we’ve never really talked about our sexuality. How is that possible?” 

Lena laughs, a full-bellied bellowing laugh that bowls her over and causes her eyes to water. When she manages to collect herself, she looks up to an amused blonde with her head resting in her hand and elbow planted on the back of the couch. “Like I said earlier, there are a lot of things we’ve never talked about. Our romantic inclinations included. But to answer your question, yes, I have been with women. More so than men, actually. I’ve been in relationships with two men and three women, but have had…liaisons with a mix of both.” 

She shifts to face the blonde, resting her head in her own hand on the back of the couch. “I suppose if I had to label myself, I would say that I am bisexual with a preference for women, but I rarely date. With my last name, my wealth, and my job, I barely have time for sleep.” She scoffs. “Plus, I’d rather spend time with you when I have it. Anyway, what about you?” 

They smile at each other. Kara closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, opening them to settle ocean blues on emerald green. “Romance and love are hard for me. Things on Krypton were different. We didn’t have dating or even sex for that matter.” She huffs in frustration, not sure how to explain all the nuances of Kryptonian relationships. “I can tell you about Kryptonian norms another time, but dating has always been hard for me. Friendship too, if I am being honest. I mean, I thought I had been in love before, but now, it’s very clear to me what I felt wasn’t real.”

Lena stares at the superhero waiting for her to finish her sentence. When it becomes clear that Kara is lost in her own thoughts, she places a hand on the blonde’s forearm. “You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, Kara. We can talk about something else.” She gently rubs her thumb back and forth across the exposed tan skin under her palm.

Kara gives her a half-grin. “No, it’s fine. I just got stuck in my head for a minute. In answer to your question, Krypton didn’t really have sexuality and the gender of two people in a relationship didn’t matter. I think, in Earth terms, it would be called pansexuality? I’m not sure, but I think that is the closest thing to it. So, that’s how I have always approached my own.” 

She shrugs and looks down to where their skin is still connected, Lena’s thumb still moving across her skin. “I’ve never really dated any women, but I have been attracted to them. Even made out with a few in college. I guess because I’ve always been told to ‘blend in’ I never considered the fact that I could date women. At least not until Alex came out.”

Green eyes scan Kara’s face with affection and curiosity. “Would you be interested in dating women now? You’ve obviously dated men exclusively before. Is it something you want to explore? Romantically, I mean, in case that wasn’t clear.” She winks at the blonde as blue eyes roll at her. 

“Really? I think you made that clear, Lena.” She chuckles and pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. Her eyes flutter briefly as she tries to figure out how to answer the question. “I’m not really sure how to answer that question. In general the answer is yes, but I am also currently only interested in one person. Romantically.”

This captures Lena’s attention fully. There’s someone Kara is interested in and none of their friends have mentioned them? How is that possible? “Is this person someone I know? How come you haven’t mentioned them before? We’ve been together almost non-stop since we rescued you from the Phantom Zone.” 

She can feel her heart rate increase and her stomach tie itself in knots. It’s making her feel panicky and she’s doing her best to reign her emotions in because she knows Kara can hear her heartbeat. She takes a deep breath and again bites the inside of her cheek to calm herself. “Sorry, I just mean that I figured I would know about it since we’re usually always together. So who is this mystery person?” She tries to sound nonchalant and excited, but she’s not sure it landed.

“You definitely know them. Quite well, in fact.” Kara smiles, her eyes resting on the spot that Lena’s hand is now gripping her forearm instead of gently rubbing it. She’s incredibly nervous about what she wants to say. She’s been planning on telling Lena how she feels for a while, but doing it now could mean she is going back to National City early. Especially if things go badly, but Alex said Lena felt the same. 

One more deep breath, you can do this Kara.

“Remember how I said earlier that I thought I had been in love, but now I know what I felt before wasn’t real?” She watches as Lena nods her head. “Well, I thought I was in love with Mon-El and I guess I did love him, but I was never in love with him. I know that now. It was something I realized when I was in the Phantom Zone. It’s very clear to me that I am 100% madly  in love with this person and I’ve never felt anything else like it.”

Wide green eyes are fixed on Kara’s face, unsure what to say or do. Lena clears her throat, doing her best to keep her own emotions out of this conversation. “It sounds like you’re certain about how you feel. Have you told them yet? They’d be insane not to return your feelings, Kara. I hope you know that.” She does her best to stop her heart from plummeting into her stomach at the thought of someone else getting to love Kara the way that she does. 

Kare pulls her head out of her hand and flips her hand to take Lena’s into her palm. “It makes me really happy to hear you say that and I hope you mean it.” She brings her other hand up to push dark inky locks behind her ear, her palm and thumb coming to rest on a pale cheek. A smile spreads across her face as she watches green eyes flutter closed at her touch. “It’s you, Lena. I’m hopelessly, romantically, and completely in love with you.”

Lena’s eyes fly open, her heart does somersaults in her chest, and her stomach erupts into a million little butterflies. Without her permission, her eyes fill with tears and her mouth drops open. When she starts to feel Kara retreating from her space, she forces her brain to reboot and her mouth to work. “Y-you l-love me? Th-the person is m-me?” She blinks owlishly, unable to comprehend that Kara confessed her love. The woman she loves actually loves her back. “You want to be with me? Romantically? Not in a ‘that’s-what-friends-are-for’ kind of way, but dates and romance and all that comes with it?”

A pretty rouge blush colors tanned, lightly freckled cheeks. Sparkling blue eyes and a shy little smile shine back at Lena. She can’t believe this is happening. A dimpled smile stretches across her own face. 

Kara loves her back. She loves Kara and Kara loves her back.

Holy. Shit. Is this real?

Oh fuck. She hasn’t said it back! She needs to say it back!

She scrambles to get the words out of her mouth, her hand latching onto the one that is still resting on her cheek. “I love you too, Kara. I have for so long. I just…I can’t believe you love me back. I didn’t think you would ever feel the same.” She laughs, she can’t believe this is happening. “Is this real? I feel like I’m going to wake up any moment.”

Kara laughs. “If it’s a dream, I don’t ever want to wake up.” 

Their eyes meet and they both lean in. When their lips meet for the first time, it feels like the world stops for a moment. Time restarts. Separately, they each realize that the universe may have broken them in very different ways, but those edges allow them to fit together so perfectly now. As if they just needed the last missing puzzle piece to slot into place so their hearts can finally arrive home.

[wouldntyou-liketoknow]

Day 9: Plants

(Disclaimer: only one of the characters in this story belongs to me. If you’d like to learn more about LevianthanPat, go here. This story is actually something of a sequel to the first time I wrote about him and EldritchPlier, who belongs to the Markiplier Cinematic Universe. CryptidXian is yet another one of the LxianEgos made by @sammys-magical-au; go here to learn more about him.)

(Trigger Warnings: body horror, implied sleep problems, implied nightmares/night-terrors, gore, blood, organs, body horror, strong language. Please let me know if I missed anything.)

(If you’d like to use distorted fonts like the one you’ll be seeing in this story, then I recommend going to FancyTextGenerator.)

Day 1 Day 2 Day 3   Day 4 Day 5 Day 6 Day 7 Day 8 Day 10 Day 11 Day 12 Day 13

It feels like only a moment or two has passed since you closed your eyes for the night. 

Now you’re reopening them and finding yourself in something that is most certainly not your bed. Most other people would probably panic in this situation, but you don’t. You know you don’t have to.

For one thing, whatever you’re lying in isn’t a bathtub full of ice, either. ‘Matter of fact, as you push yourself to sit up, a decent amount of leaves fall away from your face to join the rest in the pile around you. They all come in lovely shades of red and orange and yellow; it makes sense, considering the state of the trees outside your apartment. 

For another thing, you can’t feel the leaves as you brush them away from your clothes. It’s not that your skin is numb—everything within touching distance just doesn’t have the texture it should have. The leaves don’t crunch or crackle under your weight (very unsatisfying, I know).  

You’ve learned to recognize this hazy, near-weightless sensation. 

You’re asleep right now. You’re dreaming. 

And you have enough experience to brace yourself right now. You may not know how or when it’ll happen, but you absolutely know that there’s going to be a twist here.

Hundreds of years of scientific progress have already passed. Research has grown, numerous experiments have been documented, and people can still only throw their best guesses at the concepts of sleep and all its weirdness.

You doubt humanity will ever be able to fully understand sleep. 

A bit of a pessimistic outlook, yes, but you have every single damn right to be a pessimist. 

It’s been months since the constant stream of nightmares started plaguing you. 

Ten months, to be specific. 

Ten. Whole. Months. Of having a raging dumpster fire for a sleep-schedule. 

(To be fair, you’d be lying if you said you weren’t a bit relieved that the nightmares didn’t finally end at nine months. Because timing like that would’ve just been begging fate to open a whole new horrific can of worms for you. . .)

Sure, this has paved the way for you to become a somewhat lucid dreamer, but that’s not really a silver lining. Just because you’re aware of when you’re dreaming doesn’t necessarily mean you have any more power in aforementioned dreams than you did before. 

You’d think that, at this point, you would’ve been able to adjust the nightmares. 

You’re sure that you could’ve adjusted to them, but you cAN’T, BECAUSE THE DAMN NIGHTMARES ARE ONLY HALF OF YOUR PROBLEM!

You heave a sigh, dragging your dream-hand down the side of your dream-face. It feels like how the plume of smoke rising from a freshly-ignited scented candle looks.

Yeah, the impending scenario is going to suck, but there’s no point standing here and getting yourself worked up over it. In fact, that’ll probably just make things even worse whenever they do decide to happen.

Might as well just take it in stride. 

You pick yourself up, pulling a dream-leaf from your hair and letting it flutter down to the ground, which is blanketed by long, unkempt grass. Turning around in a small circle, you realize that you’re in the middle of. . .some kind of garden? There’s a decent amount of trees surrounding you, all at varying distances from one another, but it seems only one of them has actually shifted colors and shed its leaves. 

All the rest are in full bloom, their branches covered in flowers. You can recognize a crabapple here, a cherry blossom there, a few different Cape Myrtles. The explosions of color are so pretty that it takes you a few seconds to realize how the trees are twitching. Not swaying like they would in the wind—there’s no trace of a breeze around you. Twitching. Like wayward muscles in a person’s arms or legs.  

You chew your lip, making a note to not get too close as you start walking. The grass almost feels like water around your ankles. It’s not wet (thank God, because having to deal with wet socks on top of a nightmare would just be needlessly cruel); it just seems to have the same weight as a creek or a pond. 

You keep your head on a swivel, miraculously alert and aware for a sleeping person. You know there’s really no point, but you’d still rather at least see the danger coming than be caught off-guard. So, of course it doesn’t take too long for you to discover the patches of flowers that are growing around the bases of the spastic trees. It takes even less time for you to realize how the aforementioned patches apparently go on as far as the eye can see. Sure, there’s enough space for you to wander without accidentally harming any of the flora, but they’re still pretty much everywhere. 

It makes you think of anatomy textbooks, of their chapters on the circulatory system, to be exact. The grass-pathways can be compared veins, which would leave the flower patches and trees in the roles of larger organs. 

Logically speaking, wouldn’t that make you a germ? A foreign, invading virus?

You’re not sure, but that doesn’t mean you want to find out.

Even with your paranoia, you just can’t help but pause to kneel down and get a closer look at the flowers. You immediately have to rethink that choice when several stems all pivot in place in order for their blossoms to look back at you. 

A mix of roses and peonies, each one coming in either a dark or pastel hue. They’re all gorgeous. The slick, rolling eyeballs in the centers where the pollen should be. . .well, they come in different colors too, along with different pupil-shapes. Some of them are welling up with tears, which drip out between the petals and plop down into the soil. 

You have to swallow a lump in your throat, but at the same time, you don’t think the eyes make their flowers look bad. Just a little strange. It could be worse: they could be shooting lasers in your face.

For whatever reason, you offer a polite nod to the flowers before standing back up and continuing your stroll. Even as you move farther and farther away, you can’t stop feeling all those little eyes on you.

You’re casting a shadow—all of the plants are as well—but it’s dim and flickering. You can see everything just fine, but the light beaming down on this environment is dull. That doesn’t take away from all the colors, but it still makes you feel like there’s a thin dusting of tarnished brass over everything. 

You look up, craning your neck. 

The sky is completely and utterly filled with clouds. Rather than white, they’re a mixture of gray and a deep shade of mottled yellow, along with a tint of otherworldly blue around the edges. They really do look just like clouds always seem to look in abstract painting: a bit jagged around the edges, still and purposefully layered. You can’t see any trace of the sun (if there even is a sun in this dream). 

You keep glancing down at all the flowers you pass. Plenty of them have teeth lining their petals, along with little tongues that waggle up at you without making a sound and uvulas in the place of their stigmas or styles or whatevers. (None of these ones burst into song, to your slight disappointment.) 

A number of the flowers actually appear normal, if not simply weird-looking all on their own with no help from ever-shifting dream rules. Orchids of the bat, monkey-faced, naked-man, et cetera variety. A plethora of chimeras, pitcher plants, voodoo lilies, sundew, swaddled babies, dancing girls, baneberries. . .Hell, you even come across a few classics: sunflowers, tulips, sweet williams. 

But they all seem to have a sort of. . .fleshy aura. Like they’re bound to become abnormal one way or another and you’ve just so happened to catch them before the changeover. You don’t know how to make sense of them. 

Sooner or later, you come across a hill. It’s a small one, but standing on it can offer a good view of all the other flora around here. It’s also topped with one tree, keeping it  sequestered from all the others. You move slowly, carefully, squinting up at this particular tree. Once you’ve scaled the hill, you realize that it isn’t twitching at all. It’s standing perfectly still, like a normal tree should. Curious, you begin to pace around it. 

Your instincts tell you there are trees just like this in the real world, but you’re still positive that you’ve never actually seen one. It seems to be about thirteen feet tall, covered in reddish-brown bark. Oblong, glossy green leaves adorn its branches, many of which end in little clusters of hanging fruit. The berries are a cheerful color, soft orange enveloped by red, perfectly spherical with rough-yet-fuzzy-looking surfaces. They look a bit similar to strawberries, but you predict they’d taste a little more tart. A mild, sweet scent is wafting off of it from all angles. 

While it doesn’t have an entire patch of smaller plants to loom over, there’s still a generous amount of black flowers growing close to its trunk. You rack your brain as they stare at them. Morning glories? Hibiscus? No. . .hollyhocks. 

You’re so proud of your memory that it takes an embarrassingly long few seconds for you to notice movement between the flowers’ stems. (It’s honestly kind of hilarious, considering how you’ve been bracing yourself for whatever is going to make this dream into a nightmare.)

But then, out of the corner of your eye like The Shining, you see a gnarled, pale hand rise from the ground.

You freeze in place. A prickly sensation crawls along your spine. 

As you watch, the hand is lifted higher and higher into the air on an unnecessarily long arm. There seems to be an elbow-esque joint every twelve inches. By the time it could easily tap you on the nose, the hand dips back down, causing the rest of the limb to arc with a series of pops and clicks. The hand hovers by one of the hollyhock blossoms. A few bony fingers reach for those dark petals; sharp nails protrude from the cuticles, but they don’t tear into the flowers. No, they’re just. . .gently probing them. Almost like a curious toddler would. 

That allegory dies a quick death as the long, low creeeaaak of a tree branch breaks the silence, as you look back up to find a ghoulish face, angled upside-down, mere inches from yours. With nostrils ever-so-slightly flaring like a raccoon and dead, milky-white eyes drilling into yours, the creature announces, “฿ØØ.”

You don’t scream, but a high-pitched, unintelligible noise still escapes your lips as you reel back. You trip over your own feet, feeling as though a bucket of icy water has been dumped over your head as you collapse onto the grass. 

The creature snickers at your shock. As it turns its head rightside-up, bangs of black hair fall into place just above its eyes, matching the stubble growing along its jaw and above its lips. Its head ever-so-slightly pushes toward you. This helps you discover how its neck looks a lot like that arm protruding from the hollyhocks. The only difference is that it’s even longer. As you get to your feet and back away, you see how the creature’s neck is poking out from behind the fruit tree.

That’s. . .not possible. 

The tree’s trunk is thin enough to wrap your arms around. There’s no way it can actually be hiding the rest of this entity’s body.

And yet, that’s exactly what it’s doing. (Or maybe this creature just doesn’t have a torso? Who’s to say? Not you, that’s for sure.)

“₳Ⱨ, ₮ⱧɆ ØⱠĐ Ø₦Ɇ-₮₩Ø ₱Ʉ₦₵Ⱨ ₮₳₵₮ł₵,” Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe proclaims, speaking in what you believe to be a thick Portuguese accent. “ł₮'₴ ₳Ⱡ₩₳Ɏ₴ ₣Ʉ₦₦Ɏ.”

“. . .W-where the hell did you come from?” You blurt. You know that’s not the nicest thing to say right after meeting someone, but Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe literally started this off with a jumpscare. 

“₮ⱤɄ₴₮ ₥Ɇ, ɎØɄ ĐØ₦'₮ ₩₳₦₮ ₮Ø ₭₦Ø₩. ɆVɆ₦ ł₣ ₮ⱧɆ ₴₮ØⱤɎ ₩₳₴₦'₮ ₩₳₳₳₳₳₳Ɏ ₮ØØ ⱠØ₦₲, ⱧɆ₳Ɽł₦₲ ł₮ ₩ØɄⱠĐ ₴₮łⱠⱠ ₱ⱤØ฿₳฿ⱠɎ ₥₳₭Ɇ ₮ⱧɆ ł₥₱ØⱤ₮₳₦₮ ₱₳Ɽ₮₴ Ø₣ ɎØɄⱤ ฿Ɽ₳ł₦ ₥ɆⱠ₮.” Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe raises an eyebrow. “₦Ø₩ ₮Ⱨ₳₮ ł ₮Ⱨł₦₭ Ø₣ ł₮. . .ł ₵ØɄⱠĐ ₱ⱤØ฿₳฿ⱠɎ ₳₴₭ ɎØɄ ₮ⱧɆ ₴₳₥Ɇ QɄɆ₴₮łØ₦.”

The way your stomach sinks feels even worse that it would in the real world. 

You realize far too late that this entity isn’t just a product of your brain. He’s not just another nightmare. 

He’s a sentient being. He’s in a weight class of his own. 

And the fact that something like him is interacting with you while you’re dreaming does not bode well.

“I don’t want any trouble,” you insist, holding up your hands defensively. “I’m literally asleep right now. If I’m trespassing—or if I did anything to disturb you, I-I swear I didn’t mean to.”

The closest section of Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe’s neck is pushed upwards, folding horizontally. Two joints bend by either side of his head, pointed toward the sky. It’s only when the arm extends further from the hollyhocks, along with a second arm that stretches around from somewhere just out of eyeshot, and glides closer to him, hands spreading in a lame gesture that you realize he’s simply shrugging without shoulders. “₮ⱧɆⱤɆ'₴ ₦Ø ₮ⱤØɄ฿ⱠɆ. ł ₲ɄɆ₴₴ ł ₴ⱧØɄⱠĐ'VɆ ₭₦Ø₩₦ ɎØɄ'Đ ₣ł₦Đ ɎØɄⱤ ₩₳Ɏ ⱧɆⱤɆ ₴ØØ₦ɆⱤ ØⱤ Ⱡ₳₮ɆⱤ.”

“. . .What?” Somehow, you’re caught even more off-guard than you already were. “What do you mean by that?”

“ØⱧ, ₵Ø₥Ɇ Ø₦. ɎØɄ ₭₦Ø₩ ₩Ⱨ₳₮ ł ₥Ɇ₳₦,” Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe chuckles, lightly shaking his head. Even with the total lack of irises and pupils, he’s still able to give you the classic Seriously? look. “ł'₥ ₦Ø₮ ₮ⱧɆ ₣łⱤ₴₮ ₥Ø₦₴₮ɆⱤ ɎØɄ'VɆ ₥Ɇ₮. ₳₦Đ ł ₩Ø₦'₮ ฿Ɇ ₮ⱧɆ Ⱡ₳₴₮, Ɇł₮ⱧɆⱤ.”

You can practically feel the color drain from your face. You don’t try to stop yourself from nodding. You’ve been taking sleeping medication, practicing healthy bedtime rituals, yadda-yadda-yadda. 

And even if that stuff has been helping a little, it’s still pretty damn useless in the face of certain things.

Two things, to be precise. And they both start with P. (Well, as far as you know. You haven’t been able to learn their full names; apparently because you need multiple forked tongues for correct pronunciation. You’re still not sure why either of them bothered sharing this information, since you don’t exactly have faces to put those partial names to.) 

Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe watches you think, his face-splitting grin becoming thoughtful. He tilts his head to the side, edging just a little closer to you. The way his neck contorts through the air almost reminds you of a caterpillar climbing a tree. 

“How do you know about that?” You wonder aloud. You’ve learned that it’s pretty common for creatures like him to just know many things without actually having the means to, but you’re still curious. Besides, if he’s content with just chatting, then maybe he’ll stay that way until you’re able to finally wake up. 

“฿Ɇ₵₳Ʉ₴Ɇ ł'VɆ ₴ɆɆ₦ ł₮,” he answers. “₴Ⱨ₳ĐØ₩₴ ₥₳₭Ɇ ₱ⱤɆ₮₮Ɏ ₲ØØĐ ₲₳₮Ɇ₩₳Ɏ₴ ł₣ ł ĐØ ₴₳Ɏ ₴Ø ₥Ɏ₴ɆⱠ₣. Ɇ₴₱Ɇ₵ł₳ⱠⱠɎ ₩ⱧɆ₦ ₮ⱧɆɎ'ⱤɆ ฿Ɇł₦₲ ₵₳₴₮ ฿Ɏ ₣ⱠØ₩ɆⱤ₴.”

Your train of thought screeches its way into a collision. “Wait—so. . .so, you’ve been in my room before?”

“ɎɆ₳Ⱨ, ₳ ₣Ɇ₩ ₮ł₥Ɇ₴. Ø₦₵Ɇ ₩ⱧɆ₦ ɎØɄ ₩ɆⱤɆ ₳Ⱡ₴ɆɆ₱, ₮₩ł₵Ɇ ₩ⱧɆ₦ ɎØɄ ₩ɆⱤɆ JɄ₴₮ ØɄ₮ Ø₣ ₮ⱧɆ ₳₱₳Ɽ₮₥Ɇ₦₮,” he replies, very much unbothered by the way your jaw drops. 

You blink. You blink again. You begin to pace around in a small circle, hands subconsciously rising to grasp at your head like it might fall off. 

Memories of previous nights barge their way between your ears. The red light outlining your bedroom door from the other side. . .the pair of glowing eyes on the rippling figure looming against the glass of your window. . .their respective, concerning-yet-oddly-personable voices calling out to you, going back and forth between squabbling with each other and trying to convince you to let one of them inside. . .

“Do you know them?” You finally ask. You’re not sure where that question came from, but it feels like it could be important. 

For the very first time since you saw him, Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe’s smile fades. He clicks his tongue and chews his lip.“ɎɆ₴, Ʉ₦₣ØⱤɆ₮Ʉ₦₳₮ɆⱠɎ.”

Your nights of being a literal captive audience for Plier and Pat’s disputes have been terrifying enough. You never would’ve guessed that the one classic vampire rule could apply to outer abominations, but you damn well haven’t forgotten to thank your lucky stars for it. 

. . .Except now you’ve just learned that apparently not all surreal horrors have those limitations and you’re talking to one that’s pretty much had access to more than enough blackmail material and if he’s been able to do that then how many others have been sneaking in while you’re unaware and—

“ɎØɄ Ⱨ₳VɆ ₲ØØĐ ₮₳₴₮Ɇ ł₦ ₣ⱠØ₩ɆⱤ₴, ฿Ɏ ₮ⱧɆ ₩₳Ɏ,” Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe mentions. His seemingly-unconnected arms draw closer to each other, folding across his che—uh, neck. The left hand’s palm supports the elbow of the right arm as its hand idly grasps his lower jaw. “ł ₮ØØ₭ ₴Ø₥Ɇ ₵Ⱡł₱₱ł₦₲₴ ₣ⱤØ₥ ₮ⱧɆ ₱Ø₮₴ Ø₦ ɎØɄⱤ ĐɆ₴₭. ₳ⱠØɆ VɆⱤ₳, ₲₳ⱤĐɆ₦ł₳, ₳₦Đ J₳₴₥ł₦Ɇ, Ɽł₲Ⱨ₮?”

You’re snapped out of the near anxiety-attack in a way similar to a rubber band breaking. 

“Um. . .yeah, that’s right,” you cough, thinking of the three green friends you recently purchased from that nursery downtown. You’ve personally named them Sonny, Cher, and Yasmin, but that information doesn’t really seem relevant right now. Besides, there’s a good chance the monster already knows that.

Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe nods, and his grin reappears so quickly, like it never left his face to begin with. Despite his unsettling demeanor, you can still detect some genuine gratitude. “ł'VɆ ฿ɆɆ₦ ₥Ɇ₳₦ł₦₲ ₮Ø ₳ĐĐ ₮ⱧØ₴Ɇ ₮Ø ₥Ɏ ₵ØⱠⱠɆ₵₮łØ₦ ₣ØⱤ ₳ ₩ⱧłⱠɆ ₦Ø₩.”

You nod back, mind momentarily going blank. You’ve learned that there’s a slew of unsavory truths behind even the most unassuming things, but this guy’s apparent fondness for horticulture doesn’t seem too nefarious. (Read: seem. You still need to stay on your toes.)

About thirty seconds of painful awkwardness pass the two of you by.

Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe lowers one arm in order to drum his nails on the fruit tree’s trunk. 

You rock back and forth on your heels, biting at the inside of your cheek. And right as you have an idea of what to say next, a long, low, gurgling sound breaks the strange silence. Several more join it.

You and Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe glance down just in time to see how the black hollyhocks are trembling. The nearest one leans forward, with a round lump in its stem that definitely wasn't there a few minutes ago. You watch with confusion and mild dread as the lump works its way up, pushing at the plant’s green skin from the inside. Then, once the lump settles at the part where the petals all gather at the base of the flower’s head. . .it retches like a drunk college student on helium. 

The hollyhock angles its blossom downward, and to the tune of a long, sickening sssqqquiii-plop! a slimy heart is pitched out, landing on the grass with a solid splat. Strands of blood cling to the black petals. The bloom quivers in a way that almost looks like heavy breathing.

A small scream tears through your throat as you stagger back, unable to take your eyes off of the new mess.

. . .Well, that last part changes once all the other hollyhocks start spitting out a variety of wet organs, the blood threatening to spray on your clothes. You know it’s just dream-blood, and you know you’re just wearing dream-clothes. But you also know that there will always, always be unpleasant side-effects to touching blood that’s just leaked out of something it shouldn’t possibly be leaking out of in the first place. 

You clamp a hand over your mouth; the wave of nausea that rolls over you feels itchy and sweaty and poisonous. 

Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe, meanwhile, heaves a sigh as he leans toward the flowers. “ⱤɆVɆⱤ₴Ɇ Ⱨ₳₦₳Ⱨ₳₭ł,” he announces in a grim tone. His smile vanishes again, this time being replaced by a guilty wince. “ł ₥Ʉ₴₮'VɆ ฿ⱤØ₭Ɇ₦ Ø₦Ɇ Ø₣ ₮ⱧɆ ⱤɄⱠɆ₴ ₩ł₮ⱧØɄ₮ ⱤɆ₳ⱠłⱫł₦₲. . .Đ₳₥₦ ł₮, Đ₳₥₦ ł₮, Đ₳₥₦ ł₮. . .”

His neck encircles the tree, giving it some space as he examines each of the gore-spewing flowers. The worry in his features grows worse and worse. If not for your reasonable disgust, you’d probably feel sympathy. 

Eventually, he stops what you can only categorize as his method of pacing. His neck arches like that of a striking cobra as he purses his lips, obviously thinking. “₦Ø₮ Ⱡł₭Ɇ ł ₵₳₦'₮ ₮₳₭Ɇ ₵₳ⱤɆ Ø₣ ₮Ⱨł₴ Ⱡ₳₮ɆⱤ,” he murmurs. After retracing his path around the fruit tree, his milky-white eyes wander back over to you. 

Your breath hitches in your throat. You feel your eyes twitch and grow to the size of dinner plates. Your body doesn’t feel light anymore. It feels heavy, far heavier than what the scale in your bathroom suggested the last time you used it. A sensation that can only be described as pin-and-needles mixed with overwhelming heat oozes along your skin. You keep backing away. Mr. Nightmare-Humanoid-Giraffe. . .well, he doesn’t lunge at you. He doesn’t look angry enough to do that. But he’s still following you, still staring at you.

Out of nowhere, your ankle collides with something solid, and you fall back. 

You don’t topple into the grass. You don’t crash down onto anything.

Your vision swims, the world around you becoming an awful mix of spiraling colors and noise as you fall and fall and fall and—

Your ears pop as your eyes snap open. You gasp for air, sitting up with enough force that it’s a miracle you don’t trebuchet across your bedroom.  Your hands fly to your head, scrubbing at your eyes, pressing at your temples. 

And as your vision adjusts itself to the darkness, as you roll your shoulders to try and force yourself to stop shaking, you happen to peer over at the pots on your desk. 

Sonny, Cher, and Yasmin peer back, still and silent as always.

. . .Or, they are now. 

You swallow a lump in your throat, wondering if you actually just managed to catch Cher’s snow-white petals quivering.

@sammys-magical-au @inkbedos

[mushroomllama]

Hiiiii!! <3

I'm back with chapter 2 of Ocean Eyes! Thank you to everyone who read chapter one and I can't wait to see what you all think moving forward! Again no TW that I can think of but I'm working on chapter five right now and it's really ramping up.. tehehe. I hope you all enjoy and continue to follow along with Wendy because things are gonna get crazy soon enough.. THIS STORY IS +18 MINORS DNI

TWO~

I woke up the next morning to my alarm clock blaring. I groaned, rolling over I looked at the time. It was only 6:55 but of course, Nancy hated being late, so she would be here at 8:00 on the dot. I groaned again realizing I only had about an hour to make myself look presentable for my first day of senior year.

Finally, after lying there a little longer, contemplating whether or not my education was that important, I pulled myself out of bed and walked over to the window. I couldn't help but glance over at the house across the street. A blue Camaro was sitting in the driveway. I was just as curious as my mom was about the new neighbors. Did they have any kids? I wondered if they had a daughter. Maybe we could set her up with Steve so he would stop being so protective over me. I laughed to myself, shaking my head. Who was I kidding? Our moms were best friends, and we had been best friends since we were in diapers. We were like siblings but he needed to find someone because he was driving me crazy. Of course, he was the first person I went to after my call with Eddie and I thought he was going to kill him right then.

I was about to walk away from the window when I saw the front door of the house across the street swing open. The person who walked out of it was not the daughter I had been hoping for, but the boy with the crazy blue eyes from yesterday. I panicked and was about to duck down, but it was too late. We had already locked eyes and he was just staring at me. He was wearing a white shirt that fit him perfectly and jeans, with black biker boots. I saw him smirk, the same way he had yesterday. I rolled my eyes at the fact that I had let myself get caught staring at him again. After what seemed like an eternity he made his way to his car. Was he really that full of himself? He grabbed a blue denim jacket from the Camaro sitting in the driveway and then returned to the house. Before he went in, he turned around and looked back up at me giving me another smug look before closing the door.

I rolled my eyes again, trying to ignore that my face was burning with embarrassment. I scurried over to my closet and began trying to piece together an outfit. I finally decided on a pair of black shorts, a white sleeveless top, and my favorite pair of white sneakers. I got dressed and went into the bathroom, brushing my brown hair out to let it take on its natural frizz. Most people had to style for hours for their hair to look this way. Thankfully mine was natural, but not as wild as some of the girls kept theirs.

After I finished in the bathroom I made my way back to my room and began gathering my books, shoving them into the bag I bought to make it easier to lug them all around. When I was done I finally looked at the time. It was 7:55 and Nancy would be here any minute. Grabbing my bag and donning my favorite sunglasses, I practically ran down the stairs.

As soon as I made it to the bottom the doorbell rang, confused I made my way to the door to open it. Surely Nancy would've just honked to let me know she arrived? When I opened the door it was not Nancy on the other side.

When I opened it the curly-haired boy from across the street was leaning on my door frame. He was staring down at me with those piercing blue eyes, a smug look still plastered on his face. I pulled off my sunglasses and gave him a puzzled look, trying to find my voice.

"Uh- can I help you?" I asked annoyed that he would just show up at my door after our staring contest this morning.

" Yeah, thought I'd come over and introduce myself to the pretty girl who was staring at me this morning." He gave me a sly smile. "I'm Billy- Billy Hargrove. Didn't I see you at the pool yesterday too?"

I could feel my face practically catch fire as I responded, "Yeah that was me, sorry again by the way- for running into you, but I think you owe me an apology as well."

He gave me a puzzled look. "And what exactly should I apologize to you for?" He leaned away from the door frame. I could tell he was a little annoyed by my response.

"I believe your exact words were, watch where the fuck you're going. Before you stormed away with your little army." I reminded him, rolling my eyes.

"Ah well, my apologies princess. But you really should watch where the fuck you're going." He chuckled.

I cringed at the word princess. Who the hell calls someone they just met, something like that? Who was this guy? I could feel him staring at me as I looked at him in confusion.

"What did you just call me?" I asked. "My name is Wendy." I spat out. I think he could tell I was angry because he was smirking again.

"What? I can't call the gorgeous piece of ass from across the street princess?" He was now grinning from ear to ear. "Anyway, your mom stopped by my house on the way to work and told Susan- my stepmom, that she had baked a pie for us. So she sent me over here to get it."

I was staring at him in disbelief at what he had just called me. He changed the subject so easily. Did girls usually just succumb to him when he spoke to them like this? Without another word, I walked to the counter, grabbed the pie, and practically threw it at him. Slamming the door in his face I could feel my blood boiling. I turned around and grabbed my bag, hearing Nancy honk from out front.

Pulling open the door, I was about to storm out of it when I realized Billy was still standing on the front steps. He turned back around when he heard the door open. I'm sure he could tell I was fuming, but of course, there was that smug look again.

"Fancy seeing you again, Wendy." He laughed, emphasizing my name.

I stormed past him, making my way to Nancy's car. "Go away, Billy," I told him, not taking the time to look back at him. What a piece of work this neighbor was turning out to be.

"Oh come on doll, I was just messing with you." He retorted.

"Could you stop calling me that? My name is Wendy." I yelled back, still not turning around. "Also if you think a girl is pretty and you wanna make any kind of impression, you probably shouldn't call her a 'gorgeous piece of ass'," I say finally turning around and making air quotes. I hear Nancy from inside the car, telling me we're going to be late.

Turning back around I climb into Nancy's car, slamming the door shut behind me. Looking out the window I put my sunglasses back on. As silly as it was, I tried to put them on in the snarkiest way possible. Why was I letting him get to me?

"Who's he?" Nancy asked me, bewildered.

"Oh, just the new neighbor," I tell her, rolling my eyes.

"Hmm." Is her only response as we pull away from my house.

Looking in the side mirror I see Billy still standing on my front steps. His smirk is gone and boy he looks pissed. Was that how he usually got girls to bow to him? Had that really worked on his little army at the pool? I chuckled to myself. If he thought that was going to work on me he had another thing coming.

Chapter one

[ifeltfree]

Yeah, of course I'll talk with you about it. I'm sorry to hear you're recently diagnosed. I'd say it gets better, but I'd be lying. What does change is that you get tougher, more resilient. If you're lucky, you have people around you who understand and support you well. The seizures never stop being terrifying.

It's an awful disease and one that is extremely misunderstood. Isolating is the right word, for sure. I was diagnosed at 16, so I know how hard it can be to have it as a teenager/young person as well. It feels like it's stealing from you. It is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your feelings are justified.

As far as how I cope? Poorly, for a long time, but recently things have been looking up. I was seizure-free for about five years before a recent set of breakthrough seizures (I crashed my car too, lol what a time), so I'm relearning how to deal with the fear and paranoia.

Logistically, I've done a few things:

I was able to get my job to let me work from home 3/5 days of the week.

I sleep. A lot. I still hang out with people and I have a lot of friends, but I had to accept there are things I can't do.

I spend a lot of time in quiet. Overstimulation doesn't help. I found this out the long way - took me forever to realize shutting up one or a few of my senses cut down the brain activity (I'm dumb).

I don't drink. I used to drink - probably too much. Substance abuse and epilepsy don't mix. That wasn't the reason for my breakthroughs, but I do have a little sobriety app. Kinda fun, honestly.

I talk to my friends about it.

That last point is something that I'd never done before this year. It's hard, of course, but I think it's helped that my friends now know I'm having crises of sanity, faith, philosophy - whatever - every day of my goddamn life. It's impossible to live with this disease and not think about what's real, what's not, if I'm losing time, what exactly is a soul...you understand.

Also, seizures are impossible to describe, but I try. That helps as well. Horrifies my friends, but they've said it's ok to talk about.

Every seizure I've had (barring these last ones, or I'd have killed myself) has stolen my personhood from me. I'd wake up as a different person, and then I'd just...live in a stranger's apartment, wear a stranger's clothes, wake up in a stranger's bed. After about a week, the feeling starts to fade but nothing ever goes back to that first reality. That disorientation is, for me, one of the worst parts of epilepsy. It's fucking scary. And if you go through that, I am so, so sorry.

If you want to talk about this more, let me know. I'm much less serious than I seem, and I write like this because I'm overeducated after being scared shitless by my brain. So.

Anyway, feel free to publish this and I hope you feel better soon.

Also, tell your tattoo artist what happened - they'll thank you for not coming in, and they also need to know you're not a flake. Don't want to make them responsible for an unconscious body when they don't have to be! :)

thank you for talking to me more about this. you worded a lot of this really well and its reassuring to know its normal to feel that way that i do about it all. my family thinks im exaggerating it so sometimes i question if im blowing things out of proportion.

anyway, thats terrible that you crashed your car. thats such a huge fear of mine and i cant imagine going through that, im so sorry. its so unfortunate that you have to miss out on things, but im glad you figured out what works for you to keep you in better shape. im gonna try and be mindful about the things you mentioned and see if they make a difference for me, thank you

i dont have much of a support system, most of my friends stopped talking to me after college and i find it hard to meet new people where i live. its significantly harder to cope with shit like this when youre on your own. im sure you get it. and i totally understand what you mean by losing your sense of self. it feels like everything is foggy, all the time but even worse on days i have seizures. it almost makes me mad cause its not fair that after everything else that comes with it, i have to have a diluted watered down personality too.

again thank you for this. ill definitely reach out if the urge arises and you definitely can too. im always open to talk, about anything

[ollieofthebeholder]

to find promise of peace (and the solace of rest): a TMA fanfic

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] || Also on AO3.

Chapter 20: July 2016

Jon couldn’t sleep. Despite the events of the day, not to mention the extreme emotional roller-coaster that had been the conversation that followed—despite, in fact, being weary to the bone and feeling drained of all energy—he found himself lying awake in the darkness.

There were probably a lot of reasons for this. One was the general unfamiliarity of the mattress—it wasn’t uncomfortable, it was just different enough to make his brain itch a little. On the other hand, the feel of the sheets was definitely unpleasant, too stiff and scratchy where they touched his bare skin, too light and insubstantial where they didn’t, and they smelled of bleach. He was starting to ache a bit, not crippling agony, but definitely the kind of pain that distracted him from being able to sleep, but the painkillers were too far away. He wasn’t alone, either, and while he didn’t necessarily prefer being alone, he was used to it at this point and suddenly and unexpectedly sharing a room, not to mention a bed, no matter how large, was making it hard to fall asleep when he hadn’t mentally prepared himself and they hadn’t discussed boundaries.

Also, Tim snored like a horse being sawn in half.

Jon lay on his back for a while, trying to call on literally any of the coping mechanisms he’d come up with over the years to fall asleep, hopefully without dreaming. Then the thought of the dreams he’d been having lately, coupled with the idea dropping into his mind that he might dream about tonight, about the tunnels and the worms and the screaming and everything else, struck him like the proverbial ton of bricks and effectively killed off any idea of sleep for the moment.

Carefully, so as not to either exacerbate his injuries or wake Tim, he peeled back the top sheet and eased out of the bed. While he was on the one hand reluctant to go wandering around Melanie King’s house without her permission, he was…curious. As long as he didn’t touch anything, it should be fine, right? If all else failed, he could always claim he’d been looking for the bathroom.

The door opened silently, and he closed it gently behind himself before making his way down the hall. It was carpeted, thank God, which meant the likelihood of creaky floorboards was greatly diminished. It was also dark, though, and he had to move extremely slowly and carefully to keep from getting hurt…or making too much noise. As late as it was—as late as it had to be—he didn’t want to wake anyone.

There was a light on towards one end of the hall. The tiny part of Jon’s brain that had been in full panic mode since the first worm had reared its ugly head clamored that Melanie had left the candle burning and the living room was on fire and oh, God, Martin was in there, but he made himself think rationally. The candles didn’t seem to actually do much damage, really, not unless the wards were tested severely. And they seemed to have been placed sensibly, or rather, things around them had been placed sensibly. Besides, the light wasn’t right for it to be a fire. It was too dim, too…steady. It must be something else. Probably someone had just left a lamp on.

As he got closer to the source of the light—the door to the living room, which was ajar—he could hear voices. Sudden panic made his heart kick against his ribcage for a second, until he got close enough to make out words and recognized the speaker. Martin.

“—bad as all that,” he was saying. Something in Jon’s chest he hadn’t even realized was tight loosened at the sound of his assistant’s voice. “Not now, anyway.”

“He left you trapped in your flat for two weeks.” It took Jon a second to recognize the voice as Gerard Keay’s. “And then let you get eaten by worms. Sounds pretty bad to me.”

“This wasn’t his fault. And it wasn’t his fault I was trapped for two weeks, either. Jane Prentiss had my phone, she’d texted him and told him I was sick.”

“And he didn’t come check on you once.” That was Melanie.

“He’s my boss, Neens. Not my friend. Not…I mean, we weren’t then. I’d barely managed to get upgraded from nuisance to colleague. If it happened now, yeah, I think maybe he would have. But back then, I wouldn’t have expected him to come see how I was. That’s not the relationship he had with any of us, really, least of all me.”

They were talking about him. Jon’s stomach squirmed slightly with guilt, because there wasn’t anything Martin had just said that was untrue. Over the last four months—particularly the last few weeks, since the night Martin had sung for him when he’d asked—they’d become friendly. For God’s sake, Martin had carried him back there, had wrapped him in his own jumper when he couldn’t stop shivering, had comforted and protected him. And he’d…been useless. As both a boss and a friend.

“He really thought you were a nuisance?” Gerard’s voice brought Jon back to the present, although not particularly pleasantly.

Martin snorted, sounding amused. “Oh, yeah, he was never subtle about that. You should hear the summing-ups he did on most of the early statement recordings. ‘Well, this is obviously patently false, but if it does turn out to be true, I hope it kills Martin.’”

His imitation of Jon’s voice was almost spot-on, and it was pretty funny, even if it was also a bit too close to a direct quote for comfort. It sounded like Gerard and Melanie both found it funny, too,    because they laughed, if reluctantly. “And now?”

“He pushed me a bit too far one day and I snapped at him. Things got a bit better after that, weirdly.”

“Told you. Sometimes you have to take up space,” Melanie said.

“I’m six foot six and over three hundred thirty pounds. How much more space can I take up?” Martin huffed. “Anyway, that’s when he started…I don’t know, respecting my work? Not nitpicking it so much, anyway. We didn’t get to start being friendly until after Prentiss, though.”

Someone sighed. Jon presumed it to be Gerard, since he spoke next, but while the door was ajar, he’d positioned himself on the hinge side so that if it opened, he would be hidden, which rather limited his line of sight. “What did he push you over? I’m genuinely curious as to what the final straw was for you over someone who had the power to make the rest of your life absolute hell.”

There was a surprisingly long pause before Martin answered. “That guy you bought Ex Altiora off of made a statement.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah. That was the latest one he’d unearthed. We were researching it, and…honestly, Gerry, it’d been a lousy day to begin with. You know those days where nothing goes right? Started off with my alarm not going off and went downhill from there. I was tired, I was stressed…I was starving, because I hadn’t had time to eat before I left and I forgot my lunch, and it was the end of the pay period all the bills came out of, so I didn’t have money for the canteen. Just altogether not in a good mood. And it was Mum’s birthday, which didn’t help.”

Melanie sighed this time, a lot more exasperated of a sound. “You got Sheila when you called, too, I bet.”

Martin sighed, too. “Give the lady a cigar. Anyway, yeah, it just…it was a perfect storm of suck, so when Jon basically accused me of slacking off, I blew up at him.”

It hadn’t really been an explosion, Jon thought to himself, so much as the pop of a Christmas cracker, but he put that aside at the question Gerard posed. “And you weren’t worried he’d actually kill you?”

“I said he was starting to put the pieces together, not that he knew what was going on. At best I thought he’d try to fire me. I almost wish he had. Might’ve made things easier. Or Elias would’ve come down and killed us all, I don’t know.” Martin was really way too nonchalant about these things. “Anyway, Jon’s not anything like Gertrude Robinson, thank fucking God. The more I’ve got to know him, the more I realize that if he’d actually known these things were dangerous before he went to record them, he wouldn’t have actually sent any of us to investigate. Even me. He’d have probably tried to go himself. He’d never sacrifice anyone else for his own curiosity, and I think he would actually die before he let any of us be hurt.”

“Oh, I’m so glad the two of you have found each other, that’s exactly what the world needs,” Melanie drawled.

“Shut up, Neenie.”

“Okay, let me ask a less obvious question,” Gerard said. “You weren’t worried he’d start sending Tim and Sasha on the dangerous fieldwork if he didn’t want you at least out of the way, if not dead?”

Jon slammed his hand into his mouth, despite the pain it caused around the worm holes, to keep from gasping aloud. That had never occurred to him, but—hang on, he hadn’t only sent Martin to look into things, had he? He’d—Tim and Sasha, they did their share of fieldwork, too. He tried desperately to remember if any of them had been cases that wouldn’t record on his laptop. Oh, God, had he put Martin in danger and let Tim and Sasha stay safe because he wanted—he didn’t really want Martin dead, he’d been annoyed by him, exasperated, would have been happier at the beginning if he had quit, but dead?

“We don’t have to do actual fieldwork that often, really. It’s mostly phone calls,” Martin answered. “And…I’m not stupid. There are some things Tim’s better at than I am, or Sasha. And I know better than to get too close to the Buried, not after what happened at the Mermaid Inn.” He sighed. “But…well, sometimes people will talk to me who won’t talk to the others, because they can tell that I know. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to let anyone else go to Bexley.”

“Bex—shit, not that woman bound up in the Flesh, the one with the…”

“Angela Grackle, yeah.”

Jon frowned, momentarily distracted by the fact that they’d never known Angela’s last name and that Martin had claimed not to be able to find her—it had been one of the last times he’d insulted Martin on recording, more out of habit than anything—but then Melanie started speaking and he focused back on the conversation. “You know they’re not going to let you get away with that now that they know about the Fourteen, right?”

“Yeah, I know.” Martin sounded resigned. “I can already foresee some nasty go-rounds with Tim about it.”

“Buddy system, Martin. You should’ve been using it from the beginning. Always goes worse for us when we try to go solo. I mean, look at me.” Gerard yawned. “I’m…shit, I’m actually tired. God, you have no idea how good that feels. But I need at least a night’s sleep before I try to give a proper statement to your Archivist.”

“Don’t call him that, please.”

“What, Archivist or yours?”

“Good night, Gerry,” Martin said emphatically.

There was some soft snickering and a bit of murmuring Jon couldn’t quite make out. He pressed himself harder into the corner, hoping he wouldn’t be given away when the others came out into the hallway—he’d never make it back to the room unobserved—but nothing happened for an agonizingly long time. After a couple of minutes, though, he heard Martin call quietly, “Jon?”

Guiltily, Jon pulled himself out of the corner, stiff and sore from having stood still too long, and came into the living room. “How did you know it was me?” he asked, pulling the door shut behind him.

Martin was alone in the room—Jon could see now that there was another door he’d been too shell-shocked to notice earlier—and still sitting on the loveseat, although he had his feet propped up on the low coffee table in the middle. He also had his eyes closed and his glasses off as he rubbed at his forehead. “Saw the flash of socks under the door and knew someone was out there. Sasha would’ve been on the other side of the door so she could see as well as hear, so it was fifty-fifty whether it was you or Tim. Took a chance it was you.” He slid his glasses back onto his face and raised his head to look at Jon. Surprise flitted through his eyes as his eyebrows jumped up to his hairline.

“It’s not mine,” Jon said weakly, feeling his face catch fire. Melanie had offered to find all of them something to sleep in—she hadn’t been able to find anything that fit Tim, who had simply stripped down to his pants, and she’d given Sasha an oversize sleep shirt that would do—but he wasn’t sure which of them had been more dismayed to discover that Jon and Melanie were essentially the same size. Still, she’d handed Jon a soft cotton t-shirt and a pair of flannel sleep pants worn smooth from numerous washings, and even a pair of socks he’d at first looked slightly askance at but that had turned out to be the most comfortable things he’d ever put on his feet. And he was grateful.

He just knew it did something probably unhelpful for his reputation, such as it was, to be wearing a shirt advertising an American punk rock band’s European tour.

“I know it’s not yours. I’m just…surprised is all. When Neens said she’d given you lot stuff to sleep in…never mind.” Martin gave him a tired half-smile. “Hurting?”

“A little.”

Martin gestured to the various seats in the living room—the sofa he, Tim, and Sasha had crammed onto, the loveseat Martin had somehow managed to share with Melanie and Gerard, an overstuffed leather armchair with a knitted throw tossed casually over the back. Jon contemplated the chair for a moment—something about that throw drew in his attention—and then, rather to his surprise, made his way across the living room and settled next to Martin on the loveseat.

“Do you mind?” he asked, somewhat belatedly.

To his relief, Martin shook his head. “Not if you don’t.”

They sat in silence for a bit, but it was a comfortable one, not charged or tense like the silences in the Archives usually were, especially these days. Finally, Martin took a deep breath. “So…how much of that did you hear?”

“You, ah…everything from Gerard saying I’d let you be trapped for two weeks without checking on you,” Jon admitted. “I am sorry about that, Martin. I—I should have—”

“Honestly, Jon, I think the fact that you wouldn’t have is the only reason she went away,” Martin said. Jon blinked up at him in surprise. “I wasn’t afraid of her. Not then. Not once I realized…I wasn’t sure if Tim would come to see how I was doing, but after a couple days, I realized nobody was coming, and that meant nobody would walk in on her unprepared. So I wasn’t afraid anymore. Her leaving was probably less because she was bored and more because she was starving.”

“Starving,” Jon repeated.

“She fed off fear. Most things that have become that entwined with the Fourteen do, in the end.”

Jon could hear the faint note of sadness in Martin’s voice. He studied his assistant’s face, then asked the question he probably didn’t want to know the answer to. “Even you?”

Martin swallowed and nodded. “Even me. Eventually. It hasn’t happened yet, but…every time I Look, every time I See, it gets worse and worse. Someday I’ll go too far and I’ll have to, and the worst of it is it’s not going to be a big thing. It’s like putting a single drop of poison in the well every single day until one day you can’t drink the water anymore.”

“It’s not the hundredth blow that splits the stone, but the ninety-nine that came before,” Jon said softly.

“Yeah, something like that. It’s…never mind.” Martin took a deep breath. “But no, right now I don’t have to live off the fear of the people around me. Prentiss, though…me not being afraid of what would happen was probably what got her to let me go, in the end.”

Jon mulled that over for a minute. “So that’s the trick? Not being afraid?”

Martin shrugged. “Maybe, but it’s really difficult to just…not be afraid. There’s a rumor…some university student who had an encounter with an agent of Terminus and lost the ability to feel fear…but that’s not something that comes easily to most people. I wasn’t afraid for myself because I was, well, prepared. At least at home. I had the ward, and I knew it worked. I had a few things that would have helped if she’d forced her way in. And if all else failed, I could have taken a few precautions to make sure she couldn’t have used me to get to you all.”

“I’m going to have to get you to teach me some of those things,” Jon murmured, settling back against the loveseat. “Not tonight, though.”

“No. No, not tonight,” Martin agreed.

Another silence fell. This time Jon was the one to break it by blurting out, “I didn’t really want you dead, you know.”

Martin gave a surprised and slightly bemused-sounding laugh. “What brought that up?”

“It’s…you were, y-you were talking with Gerard and Melanie about the way I treated you in the beginning, and—I was awful to you, I shouldn’t—”

“I probably deserved it. At least some of it,” Martin interrupted. “And no, I never thought you actually wanted me dead. I’d have called you out on it if I did. I just thought you hated me.”

Jon wanted to deny that he’d hated Martin, but he wasn’t sure he plausibly could. Instead, he asked the question that had been bothering him…well, for a while, but especially since he’d asked Martin why he stayed. “So why didn’t you quit?”

Martin was quiet for a lot longer than Jon had expected. Finally, he said softly, “We can’t, Jon. None of us can. We’re bound to the Archives now.”

That probably should have been horrifying. Or terrifying. Or both. Jon was vaguely aware there was a distinction between the two, but he couldn’t remember what it was exactly. It had something to do with the mood, didn’t it?

He must have said something out loud, because Martin gave him a funny look. “Terror comes before an event, horror comes after. One of my teachers said once that fear is worrying there’s a werewolf after you, terror is seeing it spring out of the bushes and charge at you, and horror is realizing your feet are stuck to the ground. Something like that. Why, are you trying to figure out which one’s more applicable here?”

“I mean—kind of?” Jon tried to laugh. “It doesn’t really matter, I suppose. It should be…I suppose it should be horrifying, right?”

“But it isn’t?”

Jon shrugged. “I can think of worse things than to spend the rest of my life working in the Archives with you.”

The surprised laugh that burbled out of Martin was one of the nicest sounds Jon thought he’d heard in a while. “I think it might be more productive to talk about this in the morning. Once you’ve had a good night’s sleep. But…for what it’s worth, thank you.”

“Thank you,” Jon said, suddenly aware he hadn’t said it earlier. “For…everything today. For saving my life. For looking after me.” For caring about me, he wanted to add, but he bit that back. It felt…a bit excessive, really.

“Of course.” Martin sighed. “I wish I’d told you sooner. I wish you’d all been more prepared. I—I wish I could have done more. But I was glad to do what I did.” He paused. “Speaking of, I’ve, um, Melanie left the bottle of aspirin. Do you…?”

Jon was, in fact, still in a fair amount of pain. “Please.”

Martin opened the bottle and shook out a couple of the little white pills, then handed the rest of the bottle to Jon before tossing back the ones in his cupped hand and chasing them with a sip of tea. Jon took three—more than he probably should have, but the pain was severe and he hoped it would help him sleep—and was about to dry-swallow them when Martin nudged him, very gently, and gave him the mug as well. “Here. There’s not much in it, but it should be enough.”

“Thank you.” Jon’s fingers were not shaking as he took the mug, and if they were, it was definitely from the pain. There was no more than a swallow left in the bottom, and it tasted faintly sticky, but as Martin had said, it was enough to keep from feeling the powdery drag down his throat.

He set the mug down on the coffee table and leaned back against the loveseat, waiting for the pain to subside enough that he could force himself to his feet and stumble back to the room he was sharing with Tim. Or maybe he’d stay here until Martin left—presumably he had a bed of his own somewhere in here—and sleep on the loveseat. It would be safer. Funny how he never worried about what might happen if he slept in the same room as Martin. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Tim, just that he worried one or both of them might do something…unseemly. There was, strangely, no fear of that with Martin.

Jon was still turning that over in his head when he drifted off to sleep, right there in the living room.

[nadja-antipaxos]

CAN’T MAKE YOU HAPPIER NOW - SIX

Previously - Five || Masterlist || Next - Seven

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: sexual jokes, brief sex, swearing, joke about incest (from Roman), mentions of divorce

Note: Thank you to every single one of you that is reading this. I adore you. The episodes covered are 2x08-2x10. The remaining chapters will be on season 3.Please enjoy your read and leave comments/kudos etc if you liked it. xxx

Word Count: 5,804

16 years ago

Kendall and Nisha’s summer of love only lasted two weeks before she had to go back to school. She thought it would fizzle out since she was in Cambridge and he was in New York. She didn’t realize he would use that private jet to see her on weekends. She’d be lying if she didn’t enjoy the look of envy on all of the groupies' faces when he’d surprise her and throw her over his shoulder. He returned to campus a conquering hero. Everyone still wanted a piece of Kendall Roy. They would go to parties on campus. He’d drink a lot more than she would and be all over her when they got to her dorm then pass out. It wasn’t that much of a disappointment considering the beginning of their sex life was okay at best.  Nisha knew she was spoiled by her previous lover who was rather tenacious about her pleasure. It deflated Kendall’s ego a bit at first because he was under the impression that he was great at sex not realizing his former lovers were faking. Nisha’s honesty was a bit of a rude awakening (that he would later appreciate) but it also meant she could teach him how to be better.

School got busier for Nisha, so he stopped coming every weekend. She reminded him she was on scholarship and actually had to produce results. Since he couldn’t see her, he was calling her whenever he could just to hear her voice. Stewy, Shiv, and Roman made fun of him for how bad he had it for her but he didn’t care. 

He was practically vibrating with anticipation when she came back for Christmas. She stayed with her brothers in Brooklyn and waited for him to call. Shiva Tech had its first set of investors and was slated to make its first million by the end of the year. Their mom visited from California and they discussed getting her a place on the East Coast. Stewy was with his family, so they had the apartment all to themselves. 

“Oooh, Kendall.” Nisha arched her back as her head fell against the pillow. It took her a moment to recover. Her hand rested on her beating heart. She sighed.

“Was that better?” Kendall asked crawling up from his spot between her legs.

“Yeah.” Nisha struggled to catch her breath. “That was great.” 

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful.” He smiled down at her. 

“Shut up, Roy Toy. You already got me in bed.” She teased. 

He tangled his hand in her hair before pulling her into a kiss. 

“God, I love you.” He breathed against her lips. She froze.

“It’s only been like 5 months, Ken.” She raised her eyebrows. She tried to hide the fear in her voice.

“Right. I know. I just, uh.” He stroked her cheek with his thumb. “I mean it. I love you. You make me feel like I can do anything. I wanna take over this fucking city with you.”

“Just you and me, huh?” She cleared her throat and blinked back tears.

“If you want it.” He looked down for a moment. Maybe she wouldn’t. She was so far out of his league. His father constantly said he didn’t think he could handle her. Shiv and Roman agreed. She drew in a shaky breath.

“This is insane. I know it’s insane.” She frowned. Before he could pull away, she grabbed his hand and held it to her face. “But I love you too, Kendall.”

“Yeah?” His smile was so wide it could’ve lit up the room. 

“Yes!” She laughed. She surged forward and kissed him. “I love you so fucking much.” 

Kendall got to his feet and threw the window open.

“Hear that, New York? Nisha Asuri loves me!” He screamed. “She loves me!”

Nisha smiled, watching him until the frigid wind hit her.  “Ken, it’s fucking freezing!”

He shut the window and jumped in the bed. He grabbed her with cold hands and she yelped. 

“Warm me up, baby. I’m cold.” He nuzzled his face in her neck. Her hands ran down his sides as she looked at him.

“Fuck you, Kendall Roy.” She smiled.  “This wasn’t part of the plan. The plan was Harvard then Columbia.”

“That’s still the plan.” He grinned. “We’re just gonna be totally crazy in love while you do it.”

“Yeah? You’re not gonna distract me?”  She raised her eyebrows.

“Never. How else are we gonna rule the world?” He shook his head and kissed her palms.

“The world? I thought it was New York.” She laughed.

“It’s whatever you want, baby.” He moved on top of her. “I wanna give you everything you want.” 

Nisha smiled at him. “Right now, I just want you.” 

“I can do that.” He kissed her.

“And I want you to clean the shower because it’s gross in there.”

“Maid doesn’t come until Monday.” He threw her leg over his hip. 

“You’ve never cleaned a bathroom in your life?” She stared at him. 

“I’m a Roy. I don’t clean.” He nipped at her collarbone.

“Okay, Roy Toy. That’s gonna stop.” She rolled her eyes playfully.

“Oh? You wanna teach me?” He wiggled his eyebrows.

“There’s so much I could teach you.” She smirked. 

“Yes, mistress.” He teased before slotting his mouth over hers.

Stewy returned on New Year’s Eve to throw a huge party. Lots of people. Lots of booze. Lots of drugs. Tucked away in his bedroom, Nisha and Kendall were both a little high and fucked on top of the subwoofer. He timed every thrust to match the bass line. The ball dropped right as Nisha came for the second time that night. It was how Kendall wanted to bring in every new year. 

Now

The office is clean and sleek. The firm clearly does well. It feels strange being here at all, but Nisha listens as the case is laid out for her. It’s the last of Sebastián’s recommendations for her. The lawyer is a Latina woman with dark hair and eyes named Melissa Rodriguez. She’s known for her no-bullshit approach. The dread continues to sink in Nisha’s stomach. She knows this is the right thing but it doesn’t make it any easier.

“Now, Mrs. Asuri-Roy, your husband’s drug abuse is very well documented.”

“Right.” Nisha wants to know where this lawyer is going with this.

“It could get you sole custody with no visitation.”

“I don’t want that. I want this as civil as possible.”

“So joint custody?”

“No,” Nisha says that almost too quickly. “Look, I don’t really want to bring up the drugs unless I have to. Unless he makes it ugly.”

“With all due respect, he’s a Roy. It’s going to be ugly.”

Nisha bites the inside of her cheek and nods. She’s not wrong. 

After the meeting, Nisha goes to Shiva Tech and joins Sebastián in the elevator. 

“Hey. How’d it go?” He hits the button.

“Good. She’s tough.” She nods.

“Yeah.” He frowns slightly. “Cecilia didn’t make things difficult, but I wasn’t sure about Kendall.”

Nisha scoffs. “No one is ever sure about Kendall.”

Sebastián looks like he wants to say something but doesn’t. Nisha sighs and steps out of the elevator. He joins her in the conference room. He shows her the latest draft of the Ryan Sutton deal. It’s solid and she’s supposed to arrive in an hour. 

“Hey, Nish…” His voice is low.

“Hm?” She looks up.

He gestures to the hem of her skirt. It’s riding up showing off the edges of a purple bruise on her upper thigh. She pulls the skirt down. It was hot on the car ride back from the lawyers, so she took off her tights.

“Sorry if I was a little too, uh, rough, last night.” He rubs the back of his neck.

“No.” She shakes her head and grabs her handbag. “I liked it.”

Sebastián smirks and bows his head looking back at the paperwork. She lets out a giggle. It’s been really nice to just have sex with someone without any baggage. Sure, it felt strange at first because it wasn’t Kendall but now it’s just fun.  

“I’m just gonna change before she gets here.” 

“Mhmm.” He just nods. “Oh, Cecilia’s flight is coming in early, so I can’t stay long after the signing. That okay?”

“Totally. Enjoy your time with your kids.”

The deal goes smoothly. Ryan and her team are wonderfully professional. 

“It was really great working with you,” Ryan says. “You’re wonderful.”

“Likewise.” Nisha smiles. “But you already signed so you don’t have to flatter me.”

“Really?”

“What?”

“When’s the last time someone—you’re remarkable.”

“Thank you. I didn’t create a company or new technology. Or get an honorary degree from MIT.”

“But you notice things no one else did. That makes you especially great.”

“Thanks.”

“And you’re so dedicated to your children. Ramesh and Kapil are wonderful but they don’t have to be a kick-arse mum. Take the compliment. Or I’ll keep going.”

They smile at each other. Nisha really has enjoyed getting to work with Ryan. She’s incredibly sharp. It’s a shame she won’t see her anymore. Ryan puts her hands in her pockets and walks over. 

“Did you see that Grecian statue exhibit? The one at the Met?”

“No. I’ve wanted to go.”

“We should go.” A smile plays on her lips. “Unless it’s awkward for you.”

“No. I mean, I don’t know why it would be. I’m allowed to have friends.”

They exchange personal numbers and decide to go next week. Nisha returns to work but leaves early. The kids aren’t out of school yet, so she has about an hour to herself before it’s the weekend.

Nisha enjoys a long soak in the tub when her phone lights up with a message from Shiv. They’re at Loganland in Scotland or whatever the fuck it was. It’s a video of Kendall. Oh, no. He’s rapping. Oh, no, he’s rapping about his father and has a custom baseball jersey made. She cringes so hard she’s worried she’s going to drop her phone in the water. It’s painful.

“Jesus Christ.” It’s in that moment she wonders how she ever ever let that man anywhere near her pussy. She texts both of them that it’s the opposite of a panty dropper. Her phone lights up again and Shiv is calling.

“Hi, Shiv.” She hides the surprise in her voice.

“Hey. Miss you here.”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s not true.”

“It is. Kendall brought this actress from, get this, Willa’s play. It’s so embarrassing.”

Ah, she called to talk shit. Nisha hums her reply.

“Bottom of the total fucking barrel. Not a brain cell in sight embarrassing.”

“Is she pretty?”

“I mean, yeah, but not compared to you.”

“You don’t have to say that.”

“No, I mean it. Dad does not know what Kendall’s thinking.”

“I mean, c’mon. He’s thinking with his dick.”

“Ugh. Why did he have to fuck things up with you? Not that I blame you for getting out. You’ve served your time.”

“Right.” It feels so strange. Normally, she would be there. The kids would probably have made an appearance if not had a separate dinner with their grandfather. Now, she’s on the outside. 

“Well, I gotta go. When I’m back we’re getting drinks. I won’t take no for an answer.” Shiv says.

“All right. I’ll let you take me out.” Nisha chuckles.

“I’ll get you drunk so you can tell me all about that spicy lawyer. The really gorgeous one.” Shiv giggles. She’s clearly been drinking. 

“No idea what you’re talking about. Have fun, Shiv. Make good choices.” Nisha sighs. They hang up. 

She towels off and gets dressed. Originally, the bath made her feel better and now she just feels out of place. Her phone lights up again and it’s Kendall. For once, she doesn’t feel dread seeing his name on the screen. He’s probably calling because he thought he did an amazing job. 

“If it isn’t Kenny from the block.” She smirks. She can’t help herself after that video.

“Who sent the video?” He asks.

“Shiv. It’s the whitest thing you’ve ever done. Congrats.” She shakes her head. 

“It was not that bad.”

“Kendall, when I saw it my pussy dried out like the Sahara desert.”

“Fuck, Nish. Lemme get back to my room before you start talking about your pussy.” 

“Isn’t your room occupied?”

“Hm?”

“The actress.”

“Oh, no. Sent her home. Didn’t pass the vibe check.”

Nisha snorts. 

“You need to spend less time on Urban Dictionary.” 

He laughs and then she hears a door open and close. He must’ve gotten back to his room. She sighs. 

“You know, Dad always cuts my dates down to size, but not you.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Your dad does not like me.”

“He respects you.”

“Cause I’m a bitch who doesn’t settle for anything less.”

“You wouldn’t keep calling the party awesome.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“I’m sure it was an elegant affair showcasing the impact he’s had on the world for the last 50 years.”

“See, fucking amazing.” Kendall just laughs. “So, what are you wearing?”

"C'mon."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"You're wearing nothing?"

“Goodnight, Kendall.”

“G’night, Nisha.”

Nisha sets the phone down on her vanity. It was so easy to fall back into it as if she hadn’t met with a divorce lawyer that morning. Why was this so hard? She looks back at her phone. Sebastián’s with his children, so he’s not really available to fuck her senseless tonight. She’s just gonna have to embrace the suck.

Nisha’s lawyers draft up the papers and file for divorce. With all of his exploits in the tabloids, she has enough evidence for adultery. She and Sebastián have been very careful. All of their public interactions can be seen as old friends catching up. Kendall actually has pictures of his tongue down strangers’ throats. She didn’t want to use it, but it was the fastest option. 

Kendall approaches the door to Waystar when a man in a suit approaches him. His head has been stuck in the cruises scandal and he really doesn’t want to deal with anything else.

“Kendall Roy?”

“Yes.”

The man hands over an envelope. ‘You’ve been served.”

He walks away. Kendall looks and sees a law firm and Nisha’s name. He opens it with shaky hands. He doesn’t have an office anymore and he can’t read these in front of his father. PETITION FOR DIVORCE

She actually did it. He knows it’s what’s best for her. She needs to move on. He just never thought they would end up here. His throat tightens and the tears burn in his eyes. He barely makes it to the first-floor bathroom. He feels like he’s going to get sick yet nothing happens. He wants to scream. He shouldn’t be surprised but he is. He kicks the metal door of the stall repeatedly. He struggles to pull himself together. If his dad doesn’t see him in his office soon, he’ll send Colin looking for him. 

His lawyers email a summary of what Nisha is asking for. She doesn’t want any money for herself. She just wants money for the children. She has all their expenses laid out. She wants sole physical custody. He really doesn’t have time for them to live with him during the week. She suggests a visitation schedule for six months with drug tests and if it goes well, she’s willing to alternate weekends, holidays, and school breaks. She knows he has no leg to stand on. His family’s reputation. His reputation. If a judge tested him right now, he wouldn’t come up clean. He doesn’t even have the energy in him to contest it. His lawyers want to, of course. He calls her throughout the day and she never picks up. He leaves messages with her assistant, on her office phone, and on her cell. In the last message, he leaves he fails to hold back his tears. 

“Nisha, uh, I know you know I got the papers. I just—I wanna hear your voice. Not our lawyers. I just, look, can we talk? Call me, please. Please.”

But she doesn’t. Sebastián comes over after the kids are asleep. He doesn’t ask questions and just lets her lead him to her bedroom. He knows why he’s there.

“Oh! Fuck!” Nisha gasps as Sebastián curves his body over hers and drives his hips in further. His pace is punishing and his hands are everywhere. He leaves sloppy kisses on her shoulder. She cries out feeling her peak wash over her. He groans in her ear as he follows. She’s winded and boneless resting on the mattress when he pulls out. He gets up to rid himself of the condom and returns with a washcloth for her. She hisses, oversensitive as he wipes her down. Her phone lights up on the nightstand with Kendall’s name. She shares a look with Sebastián. 

“I, uh, served him the papers today.”

“Oh. Shit.”

“Yeah. I don’t really have anything to say to him.”

“Then you don’t have to answer.” He reaches forward and cups the side of her face. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

She nods. “I’m just—I’m the first person to get divorced in my family.”

“So am I. We’re trailblazers.” He squeezes her bare shoulder. 

She chuckles dryly and looks around the room. She gets up and starts picking up her clothes. Sebastián takes that as his cue to get dressed. 

“I’m not—you don’t feel bad about this, right?”

“No. I’m a very willing sex toy.”

She laughs and puts on a large t-shirt and sweatpants. He walks with her to the front door.

“Did you wanna do something Thursday?” He looks back at her. “Get your mind off the DC inquisition?”

“I’m actually meeting up with Ryan Sutton. At the Met.” She puts her hands in her robe.

“Ooh.” He arches an eyebrow.

“What?” She blinks.

“Seriously? She’s into you.” He stares at her.

“Shut up.” She rolls her eyes. For some reason, it makes her skin burn.

“For real. It’s cute.” He smiles. “If you were ever gonna try it, she’s hot.”

“Whatever.”  She shakes her head.

“Have fun.” He says in a sing-song voice.

“Get out of my house.” She shoves his shoulder. “I’ll see you later.”

“See you later.” He walks out. 

14 years ago

They had been dating for almost 2 years when Nisha graduated from Harvard at the top of her class and was accepted into Columbia. Her brothers bought her an apartment on the Upper West Side as a present since they made their first million. It was easier for Kendall and Nisha to see each other once they were both in New York. The rose-colored glasses were broken once Nisha had to see Kendall in the same city as his father. It made things more complicated because Kendall was more mercurial and that led to a lot of big fights. They always made up, but Nisha missed how easy it had been.  

Kendall reached out to her mother and Ramesh to ask for their blessing. Her mother wondered if she was too young but Ramesh knew his sister. She really loved Kendall. Once he got their approval, he paid off the Guggenheim Museum for the night, so she could see all the exhibits she had been too busy for. She was stunned. He knew from his failed attempts that grand gestures didn’t impress her, but this one did. She marveled at an exhibit on Ottoman Calligraphy when he got down on one knee.

“Nisha Asuri?”

She turned around and gasped. Her hands flew to her mouth. The diamond ring was stunning. It had an antique style with a princess cut in the center with round stones studded around it. Smaller diamonds and rubies (her birthstone) encrusted the band. She had never laid eyes on anything like it.

“I know you hate it if I get sappy, so I’m gonna try to be cool. You’re it for me. I knew it when you destroyed me in class. You’re gorgeous and brilliant and you don’t take any shit. I’m a fucking idiot without you. Will you marry me?”

“Yes, yes, yes!” Nisha nodded, tears burning in her eyes. 

“Yeah?” Kendall grinned.

“Yes, you idiot, give me the ring!” She laughed wiping her eyes.

“Fuck, I love you.” He slipped the ring on her finger. He took her face in his hands and kissed her. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.”

Since it was the wedding of the heir apparent to the Roy fortune, the wedding was huge and held at the Plaza in June. Her brothers paid for it but everything had to be up to Logan’s standards. There was a lot of media attention. The ceremony was multi-faith even though the Roys did not really care about religion and the Asuris did. Nisha dug her heels in about wearing a red sari and the reception was at the same hotel. They went to Mykonos for their honeymoon and it was the best vacation Kendall ever had. He was away from his family and with the woman he loved for three weeks. Nisha loved having him all to herself. It reminded her of the easy early days. They didn’t want to come back.

 Now

The exhibit is stunning, but it’s also a showcase of marble dicks. Ryan looks over at her and giggles. 

“At least balance it out with some tits, yeah?” She smirks and walks ahead.

Nisha shakes her head and looks down at her audio set. The tour stopped talking. Ryan circles back.

“What’s wrong?”

“I think it’s dead?”

“Just listen to mine, yeah?” Ryan offers her the other earpiece. They’re walking so close now Nisha can smell her floral perfume. It’s nice. Not too heavy or sweet. Natural like walking past a bush of lilacs in the summer.

Nisha looks at one statue and catches Ryan’s big eyes staring. The green in her hazel eyes is absolutely stunning. Kendall’s usually look brown but not hers. Nisha’s eyes fall to her pink full lips. She really is a beautiful woman. Her stomach feels like she’s about to drop on a rollercoaster. Ryan tilts her head when Nisha’s phone buzzes.

“Sorry.” She looks at it. It’s an alert about the cruises inquiry at Congress. Kendall is speaking in a few hours. She doesn’t know what he will say but as long as Logan plays puppet master all the Roys will be satisfied. 

“Do you wanna get something to eat?” Ryan arches an eyebrow. 

“Sure.” Nisha nods. “Had enough marble genitals?”

“For today, yeah.” Ryan grins. 

They get a car to a restaurant that Nisha has heard of but never tried. She types a message to Kendall asking how things are. He had answered her message from the morning saying he’d text her later. It felt cruel to ignore him the other day but she knew if she talked to him she would’ve crumbled. She feels steadier now. The news covers the trial on the televisions over the bar. Questioning is done for the day and Kendall walks away. At the back of the room is a tall, blonde woman: Naomi Pierce. She’s not going to get an answer. She turns her attention back to Ryan.

“It really sucks that he’s always everywhere on the news.”

“It does.”

“I don’t know how you’re not going mad.”

“Some days I do.”

“At least they haven’t bothered you about it.”

“Oh, you haven’t seen my Twitter page.”

“But you don’t work there? What do they want from you?”

“I don’t know and I didn’t know. Honestly. If it wasn’t one of the things Kendall bitched about I didn’t know.”

“He sounds delightful.”

Nisha laughs. “It, um.” She looks down at her salad. “You don’t wanna hear about this.”

“No, I brought it up. What were you gonna say?” Ryan lifts her eyebrows.

“Honestly, it lasted a lot longer than it should have. It’s been hard but necessary.”

“I just…I think you’re amazing. Handling all this.”

“I’m not.”

Ryan put her hand on top of Nisha’s. Her skin is so soft and smooth.

“Trust me. You are.”

Their eyes meet and she feels that anxious feeling in her stomach.  Something is about to happen.

“Wanna come out with me tonight? I was gonna check out this new club.”

“Like a date?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve never dated a woman before.”

“I’ll take it easy on you.”

“I’m not dressed for a club. And I’m kind of almost 40.”

“Like your age fucking matters. You can change and we can meet there. Unless you don’t wanna go. I was sensing a vibe but I could be wrong.” She arches an eyebrow.

They were going to kiss in the museum. That’s what she felt. It completely snuck up on her. She’s never been into women before. She’s never denied that they can be beautiful. And Ryan is certainly beautiful. It felt a little reckless. She hasn’t thought it through at all. 

“Um, you’re not—wrong” Nisha laughs. Why does she feel nervous? “Sebastián also sensed a vibe."

“Smart guy.”

“I’ll go out with you, Ryan.”

“Cool.” 

As she said, they meet outside the club. Nisha feels ridiculous in her black jumpsuit. Ryan approaches her inside wearing a navy bustier corset top and slacks. Her hair is half up in a ponytail. In her heels, she’s Kendall’s height. She looks amazing.

“You look amazing.” Nisha blurts out. 

“So do you.” Ryan smiles. 

Cameras click. All they’re doing is talking. Also, the press is terrible at picking up on sapphic relationships. They’ll be called gal pals in the morning. 

They go inside and get some drinks because Nisha needs them. Nisha feels incredibly nervous in such foreign territory.  What is she doing here? Ryan is a queer icon online. She’s dated men and women and been a very strong LGBTQ+ activist. 

“Oh! Shit! Rihanna! C’mon, we’re dancing.” Ryan grabs her hand and pulls her to the floor. They dance like she would with any of her friends. They’re having fun and the alcohol hits Nisha’s bloodstream. The buzz relaxes her and she lets go. Ryan cheers as she gets more into dancing. She doesn’t want to stop. Song after song plays and it’s the most fun she’s had in a long time. 

It’s hot and sweaty in the club and the lights pulse around them to the beat.  Ryan twirls her making her laugh. Nisha doesn’t move when she pulls her closer. Their eyes lock and Nisha’s heart hammers against her ribs. Ryan leans down to her ear.

“You’re stunning.” She runs her fingertips down Nisha’s high cheekbone. Her touch is electric. She slides an arm around Nisha’s back. They’re pressed together. With her other hand, Ryan brushes her hair behind her ear. 

“Kiss me.” Nisha breathes. “Please.” 

Ryan smiles and leans down. Her full mouth just breezes over Nisha’s at first. Her hand cradles the back of her head as she presses her lips against hers. Nisha sighs feeling her stomach jump. It’s so surprisingly tender. It’s not tacky or sloppy. She’s handling her with such delicacy and care. A really sweet kiss. Ryan pulls back and her thumb runs down the nape of Nisha’s neck.

“Just stunning.” 

They dance a little longer before Nisha tells her she should be getting home. Ryan offers her a ride. Nisha didn’t know what she expected but dating a woman was very comfortable. Maybe since they had had their share of handsy men and knew what not to do, Ryan doesn’t push anything. She just holds Nisha’s hand rubbing circles on her inner wrist. Nisha leans over and they kiss again. Ryan takes her time. There’s no rush or urgency. No goal. She’s just savoring this moment. Her tongue sweeps over Nisha’s lower lip seeking entrance and permission. Nisha opens her mouth and their tongues glide slowly over each other. She moans and leans into Ryan in the backseat. They break apart, smiling. The driver stops the car and Nisha looks out the window. She’s home. 

“Thank you, Ryan.” She unbuckles her seatbelt. “This was great.”

“Yeah, it was.” She grins. “I’ll call you, okay?”

“Okay.” Nisha nods and smiles. “G’night.”

On the yacht, Roman adjusts his sunglasses while scrolling through his phone. 

“Looks like Nisha is on vacation too.”

“Yeah, uh, Martha’s Vineyard.” Kendall doesn’t look at him.

“Do they pose for these?” Roman shows them his phone. On her private Instagram,  Nisha is laughing while her brothers try to dunk her Millennium Falcon float.

“No, Rome, what you’re seeing is a normal family.” Shiv raises her eyebrows.

“Is that what that is?” Roman puts on a snooty British accent. “Looks fake.”

“They’ve always been close.” Kendall shrugs. “Their, uh, mom wanted it like that.”

“Weird,” Roman says in his regular voice. “Cause sometimes like Ramesh and Nisha are like really fucking close like maybe Game of Thrones close?”

Shiv takes off her sunglasses to stare at him with narrow eyes. “Goddamn, that’s disgusting even for you.”

“Oh, stop it with the evil googly eyes. I’m mostly kidding.” Roman rolls his eyes. “Unless Ken has insider info?”

“Fuck, no. I’m not talking about your twisted incest fantasy about my wi—ex-wife.” Kendall clears his throat. He doesn’t want to talk about Nisha at all. She’s only been talking to him through lawyers for two weeks and he fucking hates it. He wishes he could say he’s unfollowed her or hasn’t seen any of her new posts but he checks constantly. It’s unfair how great her legs look in her new swimsuit. He looked for Velasco in the background but didn’t see him anywhere. Her last paparazzi photos were with some female tech mogul getting lunch. Her new best friend or something.  

Logan comes aboard and things immediately get tense. Kendall listens as he voices his concerns about Naomi being there. He looks at Naomi and back at his son.

“You really had it, son. Beauty. Brains. Tough as nails. If this was her brothers’ company, she’d already have multiple plans.”

Kendall looks away. Does everyone want to talk about Nisha? “She’s in Martha’s Vineyard with them and the kids.”

“But she helped you with Washington?”

“uh, no. I-I uh Naomi was there.”

“She’s always been a killer. Might’ve had some good advice.”

Kendall takes a deep breath. Maybe he doesn’t know and he’s not actually forcing him to have this conversation to hurt him.

“We’re getting divorced, Dad.”

Logan raises his eyebrows. It’s the only sign of surprise he shows.

“You’re sure? You can’t fix it?”

“I don’t have a yacht for her to renovate.” He chuckles, forced. “I…it doesn’t matter. She’s seeing someone.”

“Hmm. The Mexican?” So, he does know. Kendall really doesn’t want to continue this conversation. Not with his father. Not with anyone.

“He’s not Mexican. He’s Guatemalan.” He shouldn’t even bother.

“Whatever. She fucking him?”

“Yeah.” 

Logan tuts before raising his hand to Kendall’s shoulder. It almost touches him before he pulls away.

After agreeing to be the sacrificial lamb, Kendall stares at Nisha’s number. He wants her sharp eye and takes on the situation. He wants her advice. She would’ve never let him do this. She would’ve throttled him for even thinking it. Then she probably would’ve knocked Logan overboard. Yeah, she’d definitely do that. He wants to smell her perfume as she holds him. He wants her voice. He wants her so badly. Fuck, how did he get here? 

He continues this debate on the jet.  Men on death row get last requests, right?  She would be his. Greg is passed out. Not that he would want his advice on the matter. It’s late for her. No, it’s early. Either way, she has to be asleep. He can leave a voicemail. He can do that, can’t he? It rings once.

“Hello?”

Kendall shifts in his seat at the sudden sound of her voice. His heart beats a little faster and he inhales sharply.

“Kendall?” She just woke up.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry. I-uh, hi.” 

“Hi. How’s the Mediterranean?”

“Well, uh, beautiful. You know?” He wishes he had taken her back to Mykonos. She deserved that. She loved it so much. 

“Mhmm.” She doesn’t sound angry. 

“We were good, yeah? Really good for a long time, you know?” He hears her sigh and continues. “Not just like you in law school. But after. Sophie. Iverson. Up until Shanghai even—it wasn’t all bad, right?” 

“Kendall…I don’t know where you’re going with this.”

“The…it wasn’t a secret that you were too good for me. Everyone knew. I knew. I just thought you might make be better.” He scoffs. “Not that I—I didn’t let you. Not all the time. But you still did. You never…stopped.”

“Ken. What is going on?” She sounds so worried. She’s still worried. Of course, she is.

“I have a press conference.  At 8 am in New York. Y-You should watch it.”

“All right.” 

“Okay. Thanks.”

“I gotta go. But yeah, you should watch it. Bye.”

The conversation ends leaving Nisha stunned in the bed at Ramesh’s vacation home. She knows something’s horribly horribly wrong.  She has to get back to New York.  It’s 6 am. She wakes up Ramesh and explains the strange phone call. He knows about cruises. He knows how bad things are now and he knows Logan.

“Go. We’ll watch Sophie and Iverson.”

“Are you sure?”

“He’s unpredictable. They all are and you gotta be there for it. Even if it’s just to protect yourself from it.” 

Nisha throws her arms around her brother. He hugs her tight. She doesn’t know what is happening but she knows he will keep her and her family safe.

“Thank you.”

He just shakes his head. “Pack and get ready. I’ll get the jet prepared.”

Nisha does exactly as he says. She’s in the car watching as the press conference starts. Her heart drops hearing he is going to take the fall for Waystar. How did that make any sense? Someone much older should be taking the brunt of it. Was he going to jail? How could Logan do this to him? Did he hate his son that much? She’s going to be sick.

She lets out a shaky breath and keeps watching. She leans forward.  Her eyes widen and her mouth falls open as Kendall calls out Logan and his lies.

“Oh my god.”

Her heart hammers in against her ribs. He did it. He actually did it. How did he—what was going on? What did this mean?

“What the fuck…”

[raspberrysmoon]

ummm please say more about the wilbur/john/xander fic right now <3 theyre my favourite guys ever and we need so much more content for them (i say as I write yet another fic not about them)

YIPPEEE YEAHHHHH LETS GOO!!!!! ok this got LONG so its all under the cut. uhm. i hope this tickles your fancy :3

i have SOOOO many thoughts abt these three tbh,,,, i had a thought last night of what it would be like if john and wilbur were engaged when wilbur. uhm. "died". but like 20 years later john's found xander and to hell with it if he can love them both. one is dead, itll be fine

except, wilburs not actually dead. he falls out of a portal and hes normal again and holy shit what does john do now. like thats still technically his fiance (and first love but shh) but his husband is Right The Fuck There

but it wnds up pretty okay. john makes sure wilbur really is okay and normal (hes as normal as he can be after being in the black for that long) and introduces them and it goes great

wilbur backs off of his own accord even though it absolutely destroys him to do so and gives both john and xander (mostly john) the shovel talk ("i swear to god- and ive met god- if you hurt him ill be one to get your ass and send it to hell" type shit)

but. where is this legally dead man going to live. aside from john, there arent many people who jnow him still alive (and ghats not to count the amount still working with peip) (there are two still working with peip. john and colonel schaffer)

so wilbur camps out on john and xanders couch until they figure out what to do from there

but wilbur is Old and Weak and hes honestly provably pretty close to (if not) disabled from the sheer amount his body has gone through and the couch is definitely making it worse. and xander being trained in medicine (though not practicing) steps in and is like "ok i know its going to be weird as hell but you have GOT to get in a bed. ours or not i dont give a shit" but they dont haev the space for another bed and honestly wilbur's been struggling to sleep alone anyway

so they end up dragging his ass into their bed and its like. the best sleep of his life. and he wakes up in the fetal position (normal) between john and xander (not where he fell asleep) and theyre both kind of holding onto him (what the fuck ?)

and he freaks a bit. bc thats his ex (?) fiance and his new husband. he cannot get between them like this are you kidding??

so he goes and sits on the couch but its really cold and he hates it (flashback sequence??) but he forces himself to not care and like. puts a show on or smth until xander wakes up and comes out like "why did you leave i was comfortable" and hes like "im already intruding a lot i felt bed" and xanders like "youre literally not but ok. do you like pancakes" and thats that (the answer is yes, blueberry ones)

and like a month later finally wilbur is cleared to get to work on mapping and explaining the black and white, and the lords in black, so he throws himself into that. 9/10 times he falls asleep at his desk or on the couch again and john and xander are both a little sad but theyte quiet abt theyre big boys theyre handling this great (<- lying)

and xander snaps after like. three weeks of wilbur destroying himself for the sake of explaining the shit he'd seen and he goes and demands that wilbur comes to bed one night and it goes a little something like this

"wil, come to bed"

"i have work to do"

"i dont give a shit, im shutting your laptop in ten seconds"

"no, i have shit to do. go cuddle with your husband" (< said bitterly)

"why are you being a bitch about this. we miss you" (< terrified this is wilbur shutting him down rn, but totally genuine)

"wtfdym you miss me. your husband is in there. you realize im your husbands ex right." (< getting increasingly upset)

"yeah. i mean. it doesnt really feel like you are ahymore, but if you want to call it that sure. but we miss you." (< catching on slowly. not fast enough)

"what" (< officially confused)

"have you not. noticed how much we're both kind of totally in love with you. really" (< losing his fuckingn mind)

"xander what the fuck are you talking about. what" (< also losing his fucking mind)

and then its a monologue about how john never stopped loving him and xander knew that if wilbur ever came back john would probably (definitely) go back to him in SOME capacity and he never minded. and then that happened and xander found himself doting on both of them and kind of maybe definitely falling really in love with wilbur and he can say not but. you get the point

by this point john is also here standing in the doorway (exhausted) (his fingers are crossed) and wilburs just stunned into silence for a while

and then he shuts his laptop and stands up and takes xanders (outstretched) hand and lets them take him to bed in silence and its. its his way of saying yes okay? its his way of telling them that he gets it, that he's done the same and that he loves them too

and they fall asleep together with wilbur in the middle. and its perfect

[miss-astrolozka]

send my heart up to you ━ kunijen "'cause we've tried hungry and we've tried full and nothing seems enough"

౨ৎ CANONVERSE ; modern universe, florist-in-practice miss jen and physics major kunikuzushi

⤷ "every week, a young man comes to my shop and buys a small boquet of roses, i'm guessing for his partner! isn't that adorable? it has been going for a few months now, so i decided to give him a discount..."

౨ৎ NOTES ; and generally my thoughts

⤷ we actually meet in highschool !! kuni was a year higher than me, we met through a school literature club. we were assigned together to some activity and, honestly, it was hard at first... although i was already known as the social butterfly in class, first time talking one on one with kuni was absolutely nerve-wracking. after few months we became close friends though! it's funny, although i was quite popular in my class... it still felt lonely sometimes. it felt a little less with him.

⤷ i fell for him and it took me a good month of realizing and constantly denying it. he fell for me and it took him months of realizing and constantly denying. i'm surprised that we actually ended up getting together! it happened some time before my graduation, when i was hanging out at his place and whining about how stressful everything was, and how worried i was about the future, and finals, and everything between, and... it just happened. he kissed me a few weeks later.

⤷ he unfortunately had to manage through the absolute mess i was after graduation; people i once knew started to drift away, i wasn't actually sure what i wanted to do after school and so many other issues... but he stayed with me and he was actually the one suggesting this whole florist thing– there still was time, after all. and i love flowers. you see, he buys me both real flowers and fake flowers often. the real ones are pretty boquets, and the fake ones are for me to arrange into pretty, little baskets when i'm bored.

⤷ walks together <3 down by the river, through the neighborhood, small forests, down by the train rails and many random places. movie dates and sleepovers, him studying while i lie on his bed and either read something, watch something or nap. if we happen to have enough free time and he's in the mood, i sometimes go with him to shopping malls... not to buy stuff, no, but judge how expensive everything is save for this one clothing store we have to visit, because i'm sure i'll find something nice for myself.

⤷ frankly, i was surprised to see him picking physics for his major. i knew he was good at science subjects, he even tutored me, but i never expected him to actually go into that direction... always expected history or something literature related. sometimes it makes me feel a little stupid around him, with oh how smart he is, compared to me and my stupid flowers but. he's fast to knock that thought out of my mind.

⤷ although kuni is a physics major, this man's knowledge about literature rivals mine... truly. literature debates are a weekly thing for us at this point. just grabbing a book and discussing its characters, arguing about its characters and going to far, far lenghts to defend our point. it goes past books too, sometimes we discuss movies or games and it seriously turns into a whole ass debate !! i always enjoy them though <3

⤷ my favourite thing to do ever is when we are about to sleep, im lying my head on his chest and simply talking about random things. about my day, about things i saw today, about my plans for the next day, all until i fall asleep. sometimes i'm too tired and barely last few minutes, sometimes kuni has to force me to go to sleep because if he doesn’t, we gonna end up staying till the morning.

౨ৎ OTHERS ; dynamics, things that remind me of the ship and so go on

⤷ song(s) that reminds me of the ship: mitski - townie, alex g - treehouse ⤷ "let's watch barbie" "no" "but i want to" "sigh fine" ⤷ introvert x ambivert with very limited social battery ⤷ does not believe in astrology x also doesn’t believe but sometimes they act like so for fun ⤷ hates everyone but them x loves everyone ⤷ teasing and bullying as a love language. throwing pillows (me at him) too. ⤷ quality time n acts of service for him, quality time n gifts giving for me. the amount of money i spent already on all these small trinkets that reminded me of him... ⤷ purple and yellow. summer sunsets. early morning and late nights spent on talking with each other. butterfly hairclips he gifts me. ⤷ spider lilies and sunflowers ⤷ he's my love, i'm his darling girl. and i suppose i'm his sweetheart when he's feeling like making my life miserable. truly cruel of him. ⤷ ,, none of us is straight. none of us is cis. we are a pair of skittles. sorry—

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 .

౨ৎ ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE ; coming soon!

⤷ "would it hurt miss heia to not throw random angst into their selfships? ...right, why am i even asking this question. haha. in the next episode! a snezhnayan romance between two harbingers that was always destined to end in a tragedy... or was it?"

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 .

[honeydewcoldbrew]

i found this in my google drive and its from 3 years ago. i deleted it but i wanted to post it somewhere private.

I am so scared and I feel so broken. I’m not sure how to keep looking forward. It is difficult when the person you love and trusted so much, hurt you the most. I’m not sure what the best way to move on from this situation is. I feel incredibly embarrassed and disrespected. I feel out of control of the situation. I feel like a fool. I feel like this random girl came and ruin my entire relationship. But then I realized that he had a part in it too. That’s what j=kills me. what kills me is knowing this happened twice and knowing they slept in the same bed. I’m not sure what to believe anymore. Looking at the person I love so much in disbelief, it was so much easier to block him out and paint him as a villain. I still want to paint him as a villain so I can grieve so much easier. I want to be with him I want things to go back to the way they were. He was supposed to be my person, I was so proud of him. We were supposed to go places together and laugh together and share experiences. It feels like it’s so far away now. I want to smash my face into a wall and never look at myself again cause all I see is someone so broken down. I never knew how good things use to be until it was all taken away from me. I want him to comfort me because he was the person that hurt me but when I’m without him I feel panicked. Everywhere I look, I see his face and I feel hurt. Everyone tells me, he lied, he did it twice, he slept in her bed. And those sentences ring in my head over and over and over and I feel fucking sick. Its not just the kissing its the lying over and over to cover up shit its ignoring my calls and yelling at me for being crazy for yelling at me for not giving space. Ive never been a clingy person and im only clingy at my fucking lowest points. I wasnt clingy because i was jealous i was worried fucking sick that he was hurt i should have known better i wish we had just broken up that Wednesday. I  night so i wouldnt have to feel all of this hurt now. He will never get to know how it feels to be shut out and not know. I want to dig a hole and crawl into it and never come out. It would feel so good to just fucking die just to shut these thoughts out for one fucking second. So much I have to do and focus on and the things that made me so happy like school, my club, research, eating, watching movies, all give me nothing. I don’t know what going on, I’m so behind in everything.

I used to think so awful about people who cheated. I never thought he would do this to me. He wants me to forgive him, but that means I have to go against everything I once believed in. do I need to rewrite my idea of love to fit this person in my life again? Is this what I truly want? Can I live with this fear with this person for the rest of my life? He tells me that he will change everything that i could come back to an environment that is safe and loving. It feels so good to hear to come back and have more. I don’t want to think this happened for a reason and that it will make our relationship stronger. Why do good people have to take a hit in order to learn a lesson? I look at him and i feel so sad, and then i feel angry. But i always go back to feeling sad again. He always chased after me and thats what i love. He always made me feel so beautiful and worthy. Its hard when something like this makes you believe those things were never true.

I think my main concern is healing through this, so I can get my self-esteem back and be able to love and trust again.

[thesubstitutepeoplesociety]

Tell Me Lies

So I started watching this show called Tell Me Lies and I became obsessed with it. Stephen's character's look and behavior remind me of someone I was obsessed with. He wasn't good in bed, but there was something about him that just drew me to him even though all he did was lie to me. He was hiding secrets. And of course I fell for everything in hopes that it would lead to us finally being together only for me to realize that it was never going to happen. And sadly, I kept shooting my shot. Even months later. Then 1...2 years later he texts me apologizing for his behavior. And I'll never know why because I let him know it was okay and I was dating someone else, but now I get to wonder for the rest of my life if he just came out the blue to apologize and go his own way or if he wanted something. I feel like if he did he would have just said that. That there's nothing stopping him except that he doesn't want to be with me and never did, he just said what he did because he wanted to sleep with me and he wanted to keep sleeping with me without feeling guilty about lying to get what he wanted. The sex was absolutely terrible too. I was told I was going to get fucked and all he did was fucking waste my time. It really says so much about how desperate I am for someone to be around me that I put up with so much. And this isn't a one time thing I do it each and every time. Like how pathetic is that. I can take it back 10 years. The last 3 guys have all been the same. Emotionally abusive. Two had drinking problems. All 3 couldn't let go of issues they had with the girl they were last with. All 3 of them were single dads who didn't actually want to be dads. One of them was an actual active father. One was a good dad, but passive. The other was full of shit. And Me - I just keep hoping to be part of a family, but I continued to be the puzzle piece that just didn't fit. I wish my standards weren't so slow but I don't honestly believe I could do any better. Why would anyone want me? Especially after all of this Surely, I'm not worth the trouble. Deep down I know this. And it eats at me. Its either people that behave in this manner or no one at all.