#me who wants everything to stay the same
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I’m gonna miss matpat, man im gonna miss him :(
UGHHH I HATE IT WHEN EVERYTHING HAS TO END BUT AT LEAST I CRIED WITH HIM, IM GONNA MISS MATPAT, I DONT WANT HIM TO GO AT ALLLL UUHHHHGGGGHHHHHG
No I’m not crying again ofc not. I’m. Fine I’m FINE I’m not CRYING you are you’re the one whose crying not me shhhh
I’ll miss you matpat, 9 videos to go :(
#me who wants everything to stay the same#needs to accept the truth#all I can do is cry when he leaves#and hope I see him again soon#I’ll miss you grandpa matpat#I’ll miss you so so much and I wish this goodbye could’ve been later#I am a proud theorist#Just for you man. Just for you :(#game theory#matpat#film theory#fashion theory#food theory
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life is boring and meaningless i should just kms
#what is there to live for?#absolutely nothing#everyone keeps saying that “it’ll get better”#“this won’t last forever and then years go by and it’s still exactly the same#the world is going to shit#i don’t make enough to survive on my own#and finding a new job is practically impossible these days#i have no one to even talk to#i don’t want to talk to anyone anyways#like what’s the point?#i’ve been holding out for so long and for nothing#fruitless endeavors#empty promises#forgotten dreams#any hope i had is gone#can’t believe i stayed alive this long all for some dipshit who doesn’t even live in my country and has forgotten my existence#like why have i put myself through this#there is no point#pathetic#i hate everything#i just don’t think living is for me#and it never has been#and i’ve always known this but tried so so hard to change how i feel to find some meaning in life and it was all for nothing
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I am going to take a break from milgramblr
[important please read]
ok now how do I start. Im going to take a break from tumblr for about a week. Things have been absolutely awful for me here since the very beginning of 2024, even if it may not look that way at times.
to retell the situation it happened with the new years gartic phone game, where someone made a prompt about a ship that made me heavily uncomfortable. To put it loosely it reminded me of an extremely bad experience with a fandom a few years ago when I called out a ship for being creepy and having a huge age gap but I was constantly dogpiled and harassed. It was probably the worst experience I’ve had on the internet and to this day I get really scared of people hating on me and I apologise for everything likely stemming back from the situation.
I tried to persist with the game but I got really upset and left. I expressed on my blog how uncomfortable I felt about the whole situation. Then this one person, who’s a prominent figure in the Milgramblr community, I won’t name them but I think you’ll know who, replied on my post saying that “it’s ok because…” in such an awful tone. It’s hard to explain but basically it felt really bad as they completely dismissed my feelings about the situation just to justify their creepy ship. And even worse, they way they responded was EXACTLY the same way that everyone else responded back in to at old fandom. At the point to I’d much prefer hate and harassment over that false positive attitude.
I freaked out and immediately blocked them and basically went into a panic attack. I was freaking out on my blog and just to make things worse I saw a post praising them and things got so bad. It was the start of the new year and I was on holiday and was supposed to do a bunch of things but because of that situation I was bedridden and couldn’t stop crying. I had so many nightmares about everyone here turning on me and the original incident and I still have them.
the way the person reacted to my situation was absolutely awful. After my breakdown they immediately went to their blog and started posting about how the ships good and you should praise it completely disregarding everything that happened. I’ve always been uncomfortable with them but this pushed me over the edge. And later on I got in contact with someone who was (presumably) trying to help me and we decided to see if that person could make an apology. But they took way to long to even think they gave any attention to the situation and the apology itself didn’t feel that genuine.
This person was still posting about it and didn’t change their pfp and title despite how bad it was to me and they did not do anything at all. Again I’m not naming anyone but I highly recommend you do not support them anymore. I said I’m going to be leaving for a while but if you want clarification on who it is you can just ask, I’ll check my stuff tomorrow morning before I completely shut off for the week.
I don’t know who it was but there was even a throwaway account hating on me and saying awful things. I didn’t care that much as things had already gotten so bad for me that I didn’t care about the opinion of an anon. But like I said, the sickly positive response that person gave was way worse than actual hate.
and that’s only one part of the story. Another thing happened much more recently with the person I mentioned who was trying to help me. They were the first person I followed on Milgramblr and the person who inspired me to join and make all these theories, so with this and them helping me I really looked up to them. It was a few days ago I think but they posted something on their account about that person and wanting attention to them. I expressed my uncomfortable feelings about the situation and they didn’t do anything about it. Instead they decided to KEEP POSTING about it, like constantly and me getting more upset at the situation and how they responded made it clear that they didn’t care at all. I blocked them and we were mutuals for a while.
It’s been a month and I’m still suffering very badly. I’m not constantly crying as I was when it first happened but it still pains me. I’ve been feeling incredibly distressed on this sight knowing that the original person hasn’t done anything about it and they’re still very close. No matter how much I block them or blog tags I still see them in reblogs or bought up. I had to exclude anything relating to the earbuds collab from my milgram archives as it gives me back really bad memories to the pfps involved. I just can’t feel safe in this place anymore and especially that no matter how I feel, nothing has changed since when it happened and no one’s even actually trying to help me or change things.
I’ve just been feeling so bad that I’ve been going days without eating. Just because I can’t be bothered to get out of bed. The only solace for me is sleep but even that’s not good enough as I might have nightmares and I often feel much more tired afterwards. Things are changing for me as I actually have to get up and do something now and it’s surprisingly going kinda well, but that has nothing to do with this situation.
just to note I will be continuing my milgram archives series, I’ve scheduled quite a few posts for this week so they’ll keep going. For me I’ll completely cut off all activity for this week, and may return on Wednesday.
it’s just. I hate how nothings changed. I want something to happen but no one’s helping
#I don’t know how many people will see this#i don’t even know if people will care about this#perhaps I just come back and everything’s the fucking same#I’ve been considering leaving the fandom because of this and I guess this would be to see what’s it’s like#If it’s better to stay or to leave#I’ve blocked so many people from this situation it’s hard to believe#people I thought I could trust…#To say it once again#If you know the person I’m referring to please unfollow them and don’t support them#I can tell you if you ask for a while#And just seeing all the praise the fandom got with people saying the fandom is such a nice and wholesome space is sickening#It was right after what happened and it’s just awful seeing people say that like they don’t care about what happened#They even started a minecraft server which I wanted to join#But avoided like the plague when I realised it was the person who started the original prompt#There was also a thing that happened recently where someone drew all their mutuals as cats#I ended up seeing that person in one of the cats and knowing that they followed them I instantly unfollowed#The cat pfps just make me so uncomfortable as it constantly reminds of the situation#It sounds stupid because it is but I’m at the point where any little reminder can set me off#But it’s not as bad as the collab pfps which I just can’t look at anymore#Although it’s only with a few characters that really make me feel that the art style in general just gives bad memories#To what I said earlier I don’t know anything about the person the originally made the prompts stand on this#I don’t know if they’re purposely ignoring me I don’t know if they even have no idea this is happening but I’m worried#I’ve also had experiences with a bunch of people I used to follow blocking me#And I’ve talked about it here but no one pays attention
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this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh
#and i might do it again bc its just#a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc#which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow#it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag#people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just#so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what#like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao#and it never ever used to#but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly#or whatever the make believe rules are idk#this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus#bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community#and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit#bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were#i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year#but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad#once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care#ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control#i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile#and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be#a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion#so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao#why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things????#i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just#ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand#so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time#but yeah anyways idk !#be nice its so easy !#tbd
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r/v + loneliness.
102 / Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca, ch. 4 / 4 / 8 / Art Wallace, Shadows on the Wall / 603 / Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca, ch 4. / 473 / Richard Sherman, Demo: "Lovely, Lonely Man/Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Finale" / 2
#➤ roger collins & victoria winters. ┊ pain sometimes precedes pleasure，miss winters.#➤ edits & art. ┊ the evans cottage art gallery.#compilation tag#idk I have just been Thinking about this since that gifset lol.#‘I’ll blame it on you‚’ she says — because you are the one who has brought me here‚ she thinks#because she seems to anticipate even in their first meeting that she will play Eyre and he Rochester.#there had better be many more such tête-à-tête’s on the cliff side or she’ll be terribly disappointed !#[and not only cliffside proselytizing: barging into her room at all hours‚ chasing her around town‚ dragging her bodily into the drawing#room‚ and‚ occasionally on a good day‚ an actual genuine date or a meal sometime.]#Roger has –– in theory –– everything that she wants. a family‚ a home‚ a wife and child‚ history and ancestry! boy does he have that!#and yet he is terribly terribly alone in this well he has poisoned.#(from which‚ I might add‚ vicki drinks greedily.)#''What do you want out of life?'' when he's already achieved (or so it appears on the outside) the midcentury blazon of success:#a family‚ a well-to-do office position at which he really does nothing‚ a succession of american-made sports cars.#he may be separated from his wife but together‚ he and elizbeth and david and carolyn form a mimetic image of the nuclear family.#to which vicki is desperate to grasp onto‚ even in its most nightmarish form‚ whether or not she realizes that's why she stays.#but what does he want? he wants the same thing she wants. love and companionship. (that he hasn't yet ruined. that he can't stop ruining.)#she may not precisely understand his type of loneliness but she knows about loneliness among people. she's lived it.#and she knows too about ... a visceral loneliness pushing you to push people even further away (as in the childhood story she tells david).#so she sees through his fronts a lot of the time‚ whether they be a layer of charm‚ or terror. and boy does he hate that. being seen for#something real. where his actions matter and produce consequences. where feeling is real – good or bad.#the little governess and her capacity to find shadows to throw light on! whether they be locked chambers in the basement or the atria.
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#not snz and not a vent... just passive musing#had a dream two nights ago where someone who i used to know (and love a little) wished me goodbye with a#kiss to the hand before i flew away from them forever on a magic chair#which is very stud//io g//hi//bli-esque and frankly very unserious but#the feeling of grief i felt saying goodbye to a friendship which i had once held so close to me - and which i know can probably never#be as close as it was at that point in my life - stuck with me for a long time even after i woke up#it's been something i've been thinking about for awhile... but the dream felt like such a concrete and painful severance#i think that like a childish part of me wants to hold the people i'm close to at#the same distance and trust that they will stay there forever#but logically i know it's natural that the people i met under certain circumstances might drift apart once those circumstances change#for one or both of us... i guess friendship really is just a lucky convergence at one point in time where everything aligns#like i know this and i have known this for awhile but god does it hurt#especially those kinds of goodbyes that feel so gradual... not like a clear severing of ties but just a gradual disappearance#i think i probably have to not feel so hung up over what i used to have. and for the most part i am not; life goes on#but for those people?#i sometimes just miss them#there's a special kind of hurt knowing that i could reach out to them and say hello and that they would probably respond but that it might#never be quite the same again
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to anyone dealing with ptsd, has there been anything that has helped relieve some of the symptoms?
#im emotionally stuck due to the constant reliving of what happened#i get these weirdly intense flashbacks where i can remember the how the fabric of the couch looked like up close#and how they felt. and how everything looked. the way the colored lights hit the room a certain way#i think i did myself a disservice by thinking i was soooo in love that i didn’t want to forget any details lmao#now i can remember everything like a photograph and sometimes i find myself back in my old apartment and the fear floods my chest#and i can’t breathe and my stomach starts turning it’s terrible. i really felt like i was in hell#i stopped smoking ouid 3 weeks ago bc whenever these flashbacks would happen the high would make them HD and it would send me into a loop#but now i think weed was the thing keeping me above water… it’s been a rough 3 weeks. but before i start smoking again#i wanted to ask if anyone found something else that made it a little easier#it’s been months since our break up and i really want to move on. i’ve tried to meet other people but i’m terrified of men#and i find myself unable to connect with anyone…#i’ve been physically better which i am so grateful for because being unhealthy was my biggest reason i was so depressed#i’ve been doing therapy but i talk about the same thing with her every week. i’m tired of it#i think i’m still in disbelief that they did that to me. i never thought they’d be capable of hurting someone so badly.#i can’t get over the fact that he r***** me for months while i was disabled and pretended not to know what he was doing was bad#i realized he knew when he tried to make it look like i was crazy. that made me really sad. i think i was hoping he was clueless so#i could still believe he was a good person… or at least the man i fell in love with. i was willing to forgive him once he apologized…#when he tried to make it seem like i was going insane the blindfold came off and i saw him for who he really was#like no wonder i was so scared of u dude… no wonder i kept having panic attacks anytime we were together and i couldn’t sleep next to u#i’ve been afraid to admit that shit broke me as a person. i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. i can’t function.#plus knowing i stayed for her bc i was worried for her and didn’t want her to experience the same thing without someone there bc i realized#how good he was at gaslighting and lying. only to find out she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me… she wanted me gone…#i went thru all that for nothing…#and i still don’t understand why each time i tried to leave for my own good- to get medical help and support they begged me to stay!!! why#brain vomit
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i have so many things to say about the confrontational pie scene but to surmise: while i may somewhat understand s1lvie's frustration over mobius' overall seemingly flippant attitude, i do not actually think mobius deserves to be framed as though he did not care abt the state of things simply because he chose not to seek how his life was like on the timeline. mobius' interest to not see how his life was like is well within his right, something he gave viable reason not to pursue, and, most importantly, will not have swayed him either way to fight for the life he has now and/or what the tva could stand for when the multiverse war is on its way. s1lvie's undermining his efforts was not okay when mobius opened season two with him wanting to safely monitor and defend new branches against strong, unsure voices like dox
#he has fought for tva's change the MOMENT he knew he was lied to#might i remind u he was PRUNED for it back in s1e4?#like! great for b15 for wanting to preserve lives on the timeline after she saw how her life could've been#it still does not negate mobius' effort to do the same just bc he chose not to open that pandora's box#thats what HE chose. and whether he struggled over it or not - thats still up to him#his involvement to free the timeline and make sure it STAYS without risk of collapsing or outright war is still 100% valid#and how he goes about it? is also up to him?????#i just. while my logical part of the brain appreciates that they narratively set up this way#like. with some of the tva agents desperately wanting lives or had aspired to do better bc they did have lives on the timelines#im glad they showed mobius who?? while didnt peek into what his life couldve been - STILL wanted to help it#doesnt that say a lot on its own?#he believed loki's words and this new much-needed regime for the tva bc he himself cracked the code that hes been lied to#and he wanted to right it / save what he couldnt. he doesnt NEED to be enchanted to believe in it.#that still counts#and if he wants some pie or a cracker jack here and there while everything he knew is crumbling on itself - why not.#but sure. its just another bad day at the office for him isn't it ?#( this is me trying not to sound angry. but mayhaps i did skjhdjsdf )#gen: out of character.
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ok this is unprompted but if you pride yourself on being the reason people leave a space for something they genuinely love and have done no objective wrong - youre a piece of shit btw. like full send youre horrible.
#cheeri rants#this is brought on by me finally letting myself get back into smth i loved for like 5-6 years#and got squicked out of by senseless witch hunts and trans/misogyny and the like#im really sitting here remembering all the nights i stayed up with amazing friends#the shoulders i cried on and the hands i held for others#the people who stood with me through some of the toughest times i can remember#we all loved the same silly things#we all poured bits of ourselves into everything we created and we shared that with everyone#i still so vividly remember lamenting that id never get to see our interest irl#and someone i didnt even know all that well dm’d me a few days later asking if i had venmo or paypal#because they were going to give me $50 to buy a ticket. they wanted to go but couldnt#for some reason i cant remember but they gave me their own money and told me to please enjoy in their place#and you know what? i fucking cried that night. you dont see that anymore#the all-nighters i pulled with my best friend watching the live reruns of our interest before we even got into the fandom#doing my homework while we were on facetime together squealing#and all of this came to a screeching halt because of some . PEOPLE.#who figured we were having fun the wrong way because they didnt like it#and we put up all the flashing neon signs to warn people#warn them of smth they should have already known#and just because people ignored those signs it was taken out on us anyway#and i have never been so heartbroken to watch one by one as some of the brightest people i ever knew#started leaving. breaking down. their light was being stomped out because some assholes cant mind their own#and i will be fucking damned before i stand by and let that happen again. to anyone.
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i try my best not to think of it and i havent in years but the fact the only people who were ever supposed to be my friends irl would always dump their love on me and then to leave me & say they dont like me over and over and over again only so they could watch my reaction n make fun of me together maybe did affect me huh
#i am normal i am not affected ii do not see ◡_◡#[distant sounds of me crying & screaming && gasping for air &&& ripping myself to shreds like a bear]#i was always an autistic lil freak who didnt speak so i guess i shouldnt be surprised#but like. i always just wanted them to like me#i always just wanted the chance to like them back and let be allowed. always just wanted someone to be pals with. someone i could trust to#have my back for once vs everything else#i remember such a specific moment right#and we were going on a roadtrip w her and one i already had#and they ended up talking before we left#the worst part is i had to keep seeing them. i had to just keep reliving the humiliation over n over again n it got so deep in me#& the og one had a plan that we would sit together in the back n n we had like. tons of stuff brought we could do n snacks n all this#n then at the very last second literally as i had just sat down she was like . actually. i dont want you back here. i want her she's way be#better#and i remember so specifically she was like. LOL look at ur face..........#and so i had to sit up front alone w nothing to do the entire ride but listen to them make fun of me for it#i feel like it would be better if they had left it at that but then they always came back n treated me so sweetly so i was like . ok i have#a chance#maybe they do like me#like the same girl went on to share cookies she had bought w me and we sat on the lawn for hours hanging out n eating them#and then she did it again#and again#but i was so alone in the world otherwise that i stayed#for years n years#my therapist always talks about how because of how long ive had anxiety means itll take either equally as long or longer to recover#and all i can think ab is how i lived with everything horrible at home#always just wanting to escape#to living through bad things outside of it too#just piling on top#from 6-16#and i kept going back
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made a cohost account which means i am severely over thinking usernames again and how nothing i have ever called myself online has fit me
#not even my legal name really#is this because i am an ever shifting person who dislikes things staying the same?#will i forever be changing my username every few months because i won't ever really know myself?#i just want a nice simple username that really fits#i dislike this username rn because i don't think it expresses my interests well enough.#like no sorry fellas not actually a big vivisection fan and i'm sorry if i gave you the wrong impression.#like i'm trying to come up with new usernames and completely changing my brand but everything i think of just.... doesn't fit#thinking maybe something-burrowed cause to me that's a reference to a horror story i read but my friend is saying it's too woodland creatur#and i don't care or want to associate myself with woodland creatures. i don't care. it's about the horror of being a tomb to me#ughjhhhhhh i hate this. i hate living in my brain#hey guys feel free to tell me some things you might associate me with i'd love to hear more ideas#maybe i should do something related to sleeping beauty or just something like sleeping-something idk ughhh i don't like this
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Im cursing [REDACTED] right NOW
#god i better never have contact with this guy again or i might flip out on him#im about to ramble about my past “dating" adventures (we were casual but sheesh cant even be friends with this guy tbh)#im realizing months later how much this guy i used to talk to sucked#like DUDE be a better or stay single FOREVER (ΘдΘ)#and by that i mean learn how to better handle approaching others feelings!#god the way he would just shutdown others ppls feelings and it was just an endless loop of “that doesnt make sense” or “thats dumb”#sure emotions can be irrational but if someone is desperately TRYING to explain why they feel a way (even if theyre struggling to be clear)#maybe dont be so dismissive#like literally one time i was annoyed cause talking to him was grating on my nerves#and i was like ik it doesnt make sense so let me step away cause im annoyed#and hes like trying to logic me out of my annoyance???#like worstie im literally walking away so i can cool off#leave it be!#god looking back on all this....#i hope to god whoever hes talking to (if hes talking to anyone) isnt dealing with similar things#ppl can change so ill just hope for that#or maybe he'll meet his match#someone who reflects the same energy he has!#tho im not sure if hed like that haha#the guy seemed to have a lot of relationship problems in general (romantic and platonic) and i wanted to have the benefit of the doubt#but now im thinking maybe his personality was also just clashing with everyone elses#which isnt necessarily a bad thing on its own#gotta get context for everything u know#but in this case....naur#like im a pretty anxious person so how ppl i care about will react to what im doing or saying is constantly at the back of my mind!#so ppl who just come off as flippant about my fee fees annoy me fr#im like “ahh what if i upset so and so” constantly#trying to make sure not to make things harder for them#and they cant even spare me a single thought before doing something and dismiss me when i get upset#but also they wanna come to me when theyre feeling sad about something???
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I cared. I still do. I still think of you and I still cry over you. You were importat to me. You still are.
#I was interested. I wanted to get to know you.#I did not want validation. I only said it because you said it... I don't know why. I was susceptible.#I was blindly accepting certain things that you said about me. Judgement that you had for me.#I was under severe stress from my job at the time; while at the same time dealing with unresolved emotional trauma and very low self worth.#I was burnt out. Crushed... Completely.#I didn't want attention. I did not want you to cure my depression. I though I was just letting you know me. I wasn't aware I was oversharin#I tried... SO HARD to get over the things that triggered me and hurt me but I just couldn't...#I wanted to. I did everything in my might; I took it to therapy; I looked everywhere within me; to either get over it#or completely forget about you and stop caring at all; so things were ok and normal again; but it didn't go away...#to this day...#I just feel so... unsafe... at the idea of talking again#I know I wasn't the best listener and I profoundly regret that.#I was not only thinking about myself like you said and I was aware of the effort that other's put; but I was afraid/resistant to PRECISELY#that cause of past events with other people. Because in some I was the one putting that effort and ended badly for me. Looking back#that was inappropiate of you because you felt too comfortable generalizing my past relationships and why in your head they failed.#“I cant help but feel you are looking down on people who” Stay away from me if you ever make a stretch like this again.#By “experiment” I meant that you don't know how a relatioship with somebody is gonna turn out until you go and try. That's all I meant.#I didn't want things to turn out this way. I'm sorry they did.#The effort I put for you may have been shit to you. But to me it was a lot. And I'm done taking judgement.#Altho I love my friends I still keep distance. I still can't completely help that. I can go months not talking to my BF.#You were my BF during my teenage years. I remembered you fondly. I still do.#I don't feel ready to talk again having to keep to myself interest that I might have. Related to trauma. I do not feel comfortable with tha#No I do not look at your blogs.#The day I said I was abused I had a panic attack right after that. That's mainly why I had to cut contact: I didn't want another one.#I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you to not say “talk to the void” again. I didn't trust you to want to hear about it. I didnt feel#safe with you anymore. Event tho we ressumed contact I felt that way the entire time.#I wanted to answer all the questions you had; I really did; until I couldn't stand it anymore.#And the day I removed you from discord... I know you probably had an awful day that day... I'm so; so sorry...#I'd like to one day be completely unbothered by assumptions and stuff cuz I know it's not your fault... You went through stuff too...#vent
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out of everything from her pre 52 backstory they could've brought back why did it have to be the foster parents :( show me lili. NOW.
#i dont.. HATE the foster parents. i just dont like em#they were a geoff johns creation that showed up on like 2 pages#and ignored everything that she had actually been up to just to give her more girl angst#its another johns moment where he ignores the actual backstory of a character just to do whatever he wants#she had been living with her moms friends then with the titans for years. why suddenly say she was in the foster system#it also doesnt sit right with me that it happens in the same issue where he mischaracterizes lili#like 'heres her evil mother that forced her to stay with her >:( and here's her nice parents who love her and make her feel safe :)'
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we all have a hunger.
#nolan holloway#josh diaz#isaac lahey#twedit#teenwolfedit#teen wolf#mine#let me copy n paste what i said to cat so yall understand:#isaac josh and nolan are the same#it's mostly the Leaving (or the attempted leaving in joshs case)#but they all just like Wanted#like isaac wanted power according to derek but i he just wanted to the safety that power could bring#and josh wanted ??? something bcuz why else would he stay with the guy who killed him like he obviously was trying to get Something out of w#with theo#arguably community bcuz like (this might be a reach) but why else was he at clubs and shit surrounded by ppl#and nolan wanted someone to tell him he wasn't crazy and he wanted to be safe and not have monsters haunting him#and then they're in over their heads and everything sucks and they're being used in ways they didn't agree to#and then they left (or tried to leave in joshs case)#its about the loneliness! and the right to choose!!!!!#and wanting always wanting but when u get what u want that shit SUCKS!!!!!
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ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.
#purrs#delete later#idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every#single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional#needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t#those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t#this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone#but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o#course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and#i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved#mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or#whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a#week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be#writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all#the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality#is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents.#and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments#where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them#comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so#painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i#haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that#kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im#crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i#missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever.#and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read#the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are#closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom#to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess.#also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and#that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk
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