#mental health and worries that she might be put in a situation where she has to work against leliana

[drasticdoodling]

see i am very attached to my tabris but surana mayy be becoming my primary warden bc her post origins/awakening dynamic with leliana is intriguing to me. bc she’s a anti-chantry blood mage while leliana becomes one of the hands of the divine

[silly-little-soul]

Shane accepting himself as a dad

A/N – “Little” thought dump I wrote at the hairdresser today, I'll probably continue it when I find the time

I haven't played sdv in forever cause I can't find the charger of my switch I miss it

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Fandom: Stardew Valley (Shane x gn!Reader/Farmer)

Summary: Thoughts on the lead-up to Shane and Jas moving in with you

Tags: established relationship, tbh reader appears like thrice maybe, some fluff, some angst, some reverse comfort, no beta we die like my activity

Warnings: Some talks about alcoholism and mental illness cause it's Shane, a shit lot of miscommunication, brief talk of Shane and Farmer having own kids, death mention

Note: It got too long so I didn't get to the part where reader/farmer would've been more prominent so this is very focused on the dynamic between Shane, Jas and Marnie

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Thinking about how in the game when you marry Shane he doesn't take Jas with him

I wish she could live on the farm with you, but let’s actually look at that scenario and Marnie's place in it

Shane is Jas’ official caretaker, but with how his mental health and alcohol consume used to be he definitely wasn’t able to fully take care of her, I’m guessing Marnie did most of that. Like Shane DOES really care for her and did what he could, it just wasn’t enough when he got worse. Simultaneously he saw Marnie care for her the way he wished he could've and it just seemed so effortless (it wasn’t, she was just grieving differently). It made him feel like he could retreat from his parental role, have Marnie take it and stop himself from pulling Jas down with him, he didn’t want to be selfish and put her well-being at risk just to be the one playing parent.

Honestly, he was probably right in that decision, he couldn’t have fully cared for a child.

But it’s different now, he’s better now, he’s ready.

He starts spending more time with her again, no longer feeling like he’s a risk to her, no longer being so ashamed. He takes on tasks like making lunch and bringing her to bed more often.

He doesn’t even notice it until Jas, Marnie or you point it out, might write a scenario for that at some point but let’s move on for now

Anyway, he realizes he’s taken the role of a parent for her. And then you give him the mermaid pendant, and he’s so happy that everything is slowly working out.

When he comes home and tells Marnie she is quick to pull him into a tight hug, she’s so happy he’s managing to really turn his life around.

Jas is so so excited, asking when they'll move to the farm

Shane wants to have her come right with him, he's talked to you about it and you were quick to tell him you'd be happy to have her, but he realizes he should really talk to Marnie about that first.

So they kinda just redirect her question.

Later though they sit together and talk about the upcoming change of Shane's living situation.

At Shane’s declaration of wanting to take Jas right with him, Marnie is hesitant and gently suggests that might not be the best idea.

Shane believes it’s because Jas has become a daughter to her, something he actively pushed to happen by making her take all responsibility for the little girl (and for him too, actually), and he figures he doesn’t really have the right to take Jas from her after she has been the one taking care of her for so long.

Except that isn’t the reason at all. Marnie has never seen herself as Jas’ mom. She loves Jas a lot of course and she’ll surely miss her a lot once she moves, but she has never not seen Shane as the one to be Jas’ new parent.

She wants this for both Shane and Jas, but she’s just so worried. She’s seen Shane at his worst and all that has lead up to it, seen him almost get better but then fail again more often than she’d like to have.

She’s honestly more worried about Shane than Jas. What if Shane takes on too much responsibility at once? His new role as a husband, the changes that come with living on the farm, and then he'll also be fully responsible for Jas? She's worried he'll end up feeling overwhelmed and get worse again. And then if Jas sees it this time, oh gosh... (Okay, maybe it is about Jas)

Now bear with me it's about to get a little confusing

Shane doesn't know that's the reason, Marnie doesn't tell him outright to not upset him.

So when she brings up the hint of “are you sure? She can stay here some longer too” he thinks it's because of her relationship with Jas and he's just like “yeah y'know maybe that works” because he doesn't want to take Jas from her after making Marnie take care of her so long, however she thinks it's because he really does think it'd be too much at once.

So they're like “okay good talk” and go their ways and while Marnie is like “okay cool I'll help some more till he feels able to care for her fully” Shane is knocking on your door having half a breakdown like “I fucked up I'll never get to take on the role of her father”

On a side note, he went to the farm and not the saloon, and both of you have a brief moment of gratitude for the fact so let's take a second to appreciate him for that too

Alright, he has been appreciated

But yeah, I kinda hc their communication isn't great in general. It's not for lack of trying (not anymore, it used to be a factor when Shane wasn't doing well) or something causing arguments, it's more so a thing where the two talk and then think everything is fine when they in reality have talked past each other so hard.

It's usually silly, small stuff like chores or something and resolved with a quick clarification and doesn't cause issues – except this time it did.

Anyway, he's at your doorstep, kinda having a breakdown.

You let him in of course, get him some water, gently tell him to calm down and tell you what happened.

His explanation is not very coherent, consisting mainly of him repeating how he fucked up, it might very well spiral into a full on panic attack.

Shane's not usually someone to panic but this is about Jas, who is the most important thing in the world to him, not to forget the only way he knew how to cope is kind of gone.

After a while he manages to explain what's going on more clearly, how he so badly wants to care for Jas the way he should have from the start, but he can't because he made mistakes he can't fix, how Marnie has taken that role and is entirely reasonable in wanting to keep it.

Then he breaks down again.

You don't really know what to do, he's in a terrible state, and what can you say? If the situation was truly how Shane presented it (which you assumed of course) there wouldn't really be much you could do to help.

You end up calling his therapist, he's against the idea at first but caves at your pleading look.

He's put you in situations in which you had to try help him with no idea how to before, hell he's made you fear for his life with this kind of bullshit before! He doesn't want you to go through that again.

In the beginning you sit with him, help explain to his therapist what happened, let Shane lay his head on your chest while talking to her.

When after a while he is much calmer you go make his favorite dinner, waiting for him to finish the phone call.

They make an appointment for Saturday and Shane hangs up, wordlessly coming over to you and letting himself fall into your arms. You have dinner and go to bed, deciding it's better for him to stay with you tonight, and maybe also the next few day. You'll figure out how to go on about this on Saturday.

Meanwhile Marnie has no idea about all of this and tells Jas about the decision (she thinks) they made, how Shane will move to the farm but needs some time to “settle in” as she calls it, and then Jas can move there too later on.

She's bummed about not getting to come along right away but is generally okay with the idea, not much bothered.

This whole misunderstanding is only really revealed when Jas and Shane cross parts the next time. This could be several days later, or the next one which I'm gonna go with.

Unfortunately for Shane, Jas was already planned to come to the farm that day to “help” (aka pet your animals) so she shows up there in the morning and it's. A bit awkward. Not that she'd notice, though.

Inevitably the topic of Shane moving to the farm comes up. It's in bypassing, it doesn't really matter how, but it causes even more chaos.

She says something about how she'll miss him when he moves to the farm, which feels like a punch in the gut to him, cause he doesn't even know she just means in the short while till he gets her over there too.

He tries not to let it show in front of her, it's not her fault, so he tries to play over his reaction by saying something along the lines of “I'll miss you too, but you and Marnie can come visit. If the farmer and me start a family you can come over and-”

And like damn. Not the best thing he could've said in that situation.

Cause up until just know she thought she was coming after him like a month or something later!

Jas' eyes fill with tears and she has such a look of betrayal on her face Shane doesn't even finish his sentence.

“You don't want me here?”

And he's just like fuck lol

In retrospect he doesn't actually know what Marnie told Jas and how she explained the decision to her. Thinking about it she probably didn't exactly go “Hey actually Shane used to be a good for nothing alcoholic so I decided I'm your mom”

But wait, does Jas want to stay with him on the farm?

Because yeah wait!! He did not consider that and how she feels about this.

Meanwhile Jas is now also a victim of the miscommunication between Marnie and Shane (aren't we all?)

Before Shane can think of something to say she's bolting, running back home.

You - who watched the interaction happen - and Shane go after her, coming to the ranch to find Jas crying in her bed with Marnie sitting next to her and trying to coax her into explaining what happened. When she sees you she moves away from her, figuring you two must have a better idea of what's going on.

Shane takes Marnie's place and asks Jas why she's crying.

She looks up at him with a heartbreaking expression and says “You said you'll start a family, but what about me?” (not rlly like that but I suck at dialogue)

And Shane is like “Marnie is your family”

I love him but.... shut up, Shane!!

That blow was so hard both you and Marnie could feel it!

In his defense, he realizes that was dumb as fuck like immediately after.

“I mean... fuck, she's been a mom for you so long, way more than I ever was, I can't just take you away now”

And Marnie stiffens cause like that's the moment it starts dawning on her something didn't go quite right in their earlier communication. And then you notice her reaction and it starts dawning on you as well and you kinda just look at each other like “oh shit”.

Which Shane and Jas are completely unaware of.

“She's not my mom! I don't want her to by my mom”

And Jas is honestly really irritated by Shane's interpretation of their family dynamic because yeah Marnie has taken care of her a long time and she's really close to her of course but she still never saw her as something other than her aunt, just like Marnie always considered Jas her niece.

“Why don't you want to be my dad?”

It's sort of a breaking point for all four of you.

For Shane it feels like in a matter of seconds he's reliving every moment since the day Jas' parents died. They chose him as the one who'd take in Jas if something happened to them. They could've decided on Marnie, but they didn't. In that moment he realizes that maybe his fear of this parental role he really did want to take not being rightfully his was never about Marnie to begin with.

At the same time, Marnie and you decide to finally intervene. She gently pulls him towards the door, telling him they have to talk, meanwhile you sit with Jas to comfort her.

You let her climb into your lap and hug her, just holding her and waiting for Marnie and Shane to finish talking, until she speaks up again quietly

“Do you not want me on the farm?”

And you're of course immediately telling her you do!! You want her there, you consider her family and she goes “I think Shane doesn't” and like no he does!! He's just stupid!

Except you don't say that to her of course cause don't say that to her.

Meanwhile Marnie is torn between hugging Shane because man he's apparently spent years thinking he has no place as her parent and scolding him cause how the fuck did he spend years thinking he has no place as her parent.

It ends up being the scolding (gently though, she does get where he was coming from).

She explains everything to him, from exactly how she feels about Jas to what she meant when she suggested to have Jas stay with her.

“You're her father now. Her parents chose for you to be and she did too. You're her dad, and nothing you or I do can change that”

And it's wild because he realizes he has always refused those titles. He always talked about his parental role or his role as a father, yeah, but he's never dared call himself her dad. But he is, isn't he?

They have a long talk and Shane learns his place in the family was never a question, while Marnie has her anxiety over Shane taking on too much at once calmed.

They settle on Jas staying at the ranch on weekdays and the farm on weekends for the first month, so he can settle and you can get used to having a child around all the time. After that she'll move to the farm entirely, with the promise to have her stay at Marnie's a bit if Shane ever feels like it's too much for him.

He goes back to Jas' room to explain everything to her and tell her she'll of course come along to his new life.

And when he opens then door he sees you sit with Jas – with his daughter - in your arms, petting her hair comfortingly and he's like yeah.

That's his family.

[gasolinerainbowpuddles]

𝙲𝚑𝚛𝚢𝚜𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚖 · · · · 𝙸𝙸𝙸. 𝙾𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 ║ ⓒⓗⓐⓟⓣⓔⓡⓔⓓ

𝙲𝚑𝚛𝚢𝚜𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚖 𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 || 𝚗 𝚊 𝚟 𝚒 𝚐 𝚊 𝚝 𝚒 𝚘 𝚗 || 𝚏𝚒𝚌 𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 | PAIRING(s): Joel Miller x fem!OC/reader

| RATING: explicit material | 18+ | CHAPTER CONTENT: trauma responses disguised as life skills, angst, fluff, pining, soft!Joel, protective!Joel, girldad!Joel, lots of flirting, inherent power imbalance due to boss/employee dynamic, financial/mental/emotional/physical abuse, mentions/depictions of childhood trauma, high functioning alcoholism | WORD COUNT: 9.7k

| CHAPTER SUMMARY: All the progress you've made is jeopardized by a chance meeting. Joel begins to worry the nagging feeling he has about your home life might just have more truth to it than he knows.

Joel had a good feeling about you even before you started helping out Miller Contracting, but he’d never been so optimistic to think you’d be this quick on your feet with pivoting. He hesitated to call it embellishment or outright lying because it was never an ill-intentioned or malicious thing from what he’d seen. It was more along the lines of a finely tuned social skill, something that could be implemented to mitigate a client’s frustration or labile moods. It was a mastery of sorts that might be used by somebody to change the energy of a room or quell fits of chaos into a more orderly, civil atmosphere.

You’d surprised him with that line to Mr. Dillard about Jennifer having some mystery health concern that required a sudden departure. It was such a simple explanation – and not entirely false. Her mental health had taken quite a hit, and she’d made the decision to preserve what was left of it when she stepped away from the job. It was an understated but effective approach on your part, and possibly the best thing about it all was that it put the ball right back into the client’s court. They really only had two choices then: keep kicking up dust and silently admit you were an asshole or show a little empathy and save face.

Much to his delight and seemingly your relief, most clients chose the latter. After all, it didn’t require much mental capacity to understand that sometimes bad things often happen at the best times. It let Miller Contracting off the hook a little bit as to why there was a sudden hiccup in the daily operations. Even some of the more irascible clients had asked for general updates or news on if there’d be any improvements to Jennifer’s condition. Yet again you handled the conversation with devastating perfection by falling back on not going into much detail to “respect her medical privacy during this difficult time.”

Joel had picked up a few gems from you and used them himself. His go to’s were “it’s one day at a time” and “the prayers really keep her spirits up.” It addresses the situation without saying much of anything, and he gets to move on with his day swiftly.

He wonders where on earth you learned to be so quick on your feet with the perfect thing to say at the perfect time with the perfect delivery. He wonders what sort of life experiences you’ve had that gave you enough practice to hone such a skill. Maybe one day he’ll learn enough about you to fill in the blanks, but for now he’s just grateful you’re here to help him.

Your heart slams into your stomach when you round the corner to your street. Your dad’s car is parked in the driveway. He’s home early. You were going to get all the housework done with the couple of hours you had ahead of you before he got off work. His unannounced, premature arrival meant you had to think of something to tell him about why you were out somewhere on your day off instead at home tending to things. You park your bike and keep a steady pace to the door in case he’s looking through a window somewhere. If you acted out of sorts, he was going to wring you for every last detail. You slip inside the front door and gently close it. You flick the lock just as his voice breaks through the dead silence.

“Where were you?” The question comes out calm like a snowdrift creeping along the edge of an avalanche.

“Just around the neighborhood,” you reply plainly. You can’t sound too evasive, but you most definitely can’t sound too indifferent. He has to know you aren’t just carefree and lazy on your days off. You earn your keep around here and then some. You can’t give him a reason to think you’re not taking things seriously.

“Just around the neighborhood?” he parrots. “You have friends in the neighborhood?” The dubious slant in his tone is meant to be cutting, but the knowledge of that doesn’t stop it from being hurtful. You hear what he’s really saying: you don’t have friends in the neighborhood or anywhere else for that matter.

“Well, sort of. You’re home early. Is everything okay?” Maybe directing the conversation to him and his day will nimbly refocus the attention off of you, your whereabouts, your comings and goings . . . 

He sighs and stands from his irritated slump in the plush living room recliner. The nearly empty bottle of beer sways in his hand. “Denise got into a fender bender. Called me in fucking hysterics. You’d think the whole front end had come off her car.” He pauses to take a swig of beer and shake his head with a derisive tut. “Typical woman driver, though. At least you know it’s better to stick with the bike instead of terrorizing the road with your driving.”

You swallow past the words in your throat and ignore the flood of thoughts about why you actually have anxieties about driving. One too many times of getting into his car as a kid while your mom turned a blind eye or was just altogether out for the night. Your legs were barely long enough to reach the pedals from where you sat on his lap, and it was nerve-wracking to help him “keep the wheel steady” while he drove to get himself something else to drink because he’d run out. All those times he’d run into the store and tell you to sit tight and wait felt like centuries. Being alone with your thoughts meant your mind wandered into full blown paranoia, making you feel so sure you could hear sirens and that the police were going to catch you. 

The cadence of your inhales would outpace your exhales, and soon enough you were in tears trying to strain your ears to hear all the impending catastrophes coming your way. Your brain would race to formulate an explanation you could offer law enforcement so you wouldn’t get in trouble or your dad wouldn’t get arrested or they wouldn’t think a home visit was warranted. You were always so, so afraid that you and Calum would get separated, and then who would he have to protect him?

“You didn’t answer my question,” he points out in a deceptively collected tone. “Where were you?”

You freeze up. Oh god, you can’t freeze up. Not now. He’ll know something is different. He’ll know you’re lying. He’ll—

The steely grip of his fingers across your lower jaw anchors you in place for closer inspection. “You keeping something from me?” His nostrils flare at the mere idea of you having the gall to lie to him. You try to shake your head, but his hold tightens on you. “Don’t. Lie. To. Me,” he seethes.

You try to speak, but it’s garbled around the cage of his hand. He lets up just enough for you to form words. “I-I didn’t want to get your hopes up yet until I–until I knew I had gotten the job,” you plead.

His eyes narrow with interest. “What job?” he demands.

“It’s–It’s a customer at the store. Their secretary quit, and I’ve been helping. I’m trying to get the full time maybe, but I didn’t—”

He covers your mouth with his hand. It reeks of beer. “You quit your job at the grocery store?”

You shake your head, and he drops his hand. “No! No, of course not!”

“Well how THE FUCK am I supposed to know what bullshit you’re getting up to when you’re running around hiding it from me?” he bellows. You flinch when he raises his voice and his arms to the side in a gesture of righteous anger.

Tears start to pool at the corners of your vision. “I wanted to surprise you when I got good news. I wanted to try to get this job, but I didn’t want to get anybody’s hopes up yet!”

He stares at you with empty, cold eyes. “So, what? You’re doing secretary stuff? How much are you making?”

Of course that’s his first concern: how much more money could you be feeding into the joint account? You lie and tell him it’s a dollar less than the grocery store. Before he can lash out too much, you emphasize the long term growth an opportunity like this could offer. There’s more room to go up, and the experience is something that could translate to a lot more stable, higher paying jobs. His brain isn’t wet enough with alcohol to keep him from considering the validity of your statement.

“I want to see your pay stubs.”

“I-I don’t have it set up yet. I’m not in their system yet. I don’t technically have the job yet.”

His eyes thin into scrutinizing slits. “Fine. Write down your hours so I can compare it to your pay. The last thing we need is you getting swindled because you’re too fucking stupid to keep track of your finances.”

“Okay,” you choke.

He juts a finger out and pokes your shoulder with it. “Next time you want to make a big choice like that, you come to me first for permission.” He leans in closer to tower over you. You drop your gaze to the floor. “Do you understand?” Each word is accentuated with a stabbing finger to your shoulder.

“Yes, sir,” you utter. “I’m sorry.”

“Now quit your crying and get the hell outta my face,” he snaps.

Without a word you turn on your heel and rush to your bedroom. You fumble with your door, hands trembling so hard you feel like they’re not even a part of you. You still and listen to your dad go into the garage for another beer.

“Oh, I got somethin’ for ya,” Joel announces as he stands and starts rooting through a desk drawer. His home office is a mess as he’s transitioning everything back into the actual office now that things are back on track for the most part. “Forgot to charge it, but Jenn finally returned her work phone. Figured you might have some use for it since you’ve sorta taken over her duties.” He hands you the nicest phone you’ve ever held in your possession. You look up at him, thinking of how you should turn it down because you couldn’t possibly accept such a nice thing, could you? You don’t even have Jennifer’s old job, so what would make you entitled to Jennifer's old phone?

“I–Are you sure, Joel?”

“Yeah, of course. It just makes your life easier, really. You can forward calls from the office to it if you need to. You know, like if you’re working from home or somethin’ one day. And then if I’m texting you I’m not usin’ up all your personal data plan, you know? Work related things means the company should cover it.”

He explains it simply enough, but you still feel uncertain about him entrusting you with it.

“I mean, I know it ain’t the newest on the block, but–”

“What? Are you serious? This phone is amazing.” You barely hold back a laugh as you pluck your dingy old flip phone from your bag. “Literally, this thing is, like, a million times nicer than this thing.”

“What’d you lose a bet or something?” Joel snorts as he takes your phone and turns it in his hand. You are distracted for just long enough by the difference of how small the phone looks in his hand compared to when you hold it that Joel clears his throat. “I, uh, I didn’t— it’s a fine phone, is what I meant. Perfectly functional.”

Oh. He thinks he said something to make you feel bad. “It’s a piece of shit, I know.” Your lopsided smile and shrug probably aren’t enough to entirely convince him that you aren’t embarrassed about your ancient phone, but it would have to do. There’s no way you’re explaining to him that it’s all you’re allowed and that your dad won’t let you get anything nicer because it would “just be a waste of time and money.”

“Well, it’s…. Yeah, it’s a piece of shit. Sorry. Didn’t mean to be so rude about it.”

“Not rude. Just stating the obvious.”

“Well, still.”

“Besides, it’s nice of you to let me use this phone anyway seeing as I don’t even have the job to justify it. Doing some real charity work there, boss man.” Your cheeks plump up in a self-deprecating smile.

“Yeah, about that….” Joel clears his throat again, but this time it’s a more hopeful sound. “What if you did have the job?”

“Ppffftttt yeah. Real funny.”

“No, I’m bein’ serious. Would you– Are you interested in it? You’ve taken to it like crazy, and you’re already gettin’ things closer to how they were. I mean, I know it’d mean stepping away from the grocery store, but—”

“You can’t be serious.” You sit there, staring at him like he’s grown a third ear on his chin.

“Well, I know it’s a bit of a leap, but I mean… I don’t wanna pressure you, and if you need time to think–”

“You want me to have the job? Jennifer’s job?”

“It’d be your job if you say yes, but, yeah, Jenn’s job.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really,” Joel laughs.

“Oh my god! I– Are you sure? You’re sure? Tommy’s okay with– you really — you mean–” You jump to your feet with a burst of energy and try not to get too ahead of yourself. Maybe you heard him wrong. Maybe he’s playing an elaborate joke on you. So many other things would make more sense right now than what you think he’s saying.

“So is that a yes?”

“I– Of course! I would – oh.” Your shoulders slump in disappointment. Of course this was too good to be true. “I just remembered that I don’t exactly have a, um, have a way to get– I mean, I have my bike, but–”

Joel waves you off like it’s no issue at all that you don’t have a way to get to the office except for biking a long commute. “I’ll take ya with me. I live just around the way. It would actually be kinda silly if we didn’t carpool.”

“You mean you’d take me to work?” You can’t imagine why someone would go out of their way to be so kind to you. “You’d drive me every day?”

“M’already goin’ that way anyway,” Joel points out. “It’s not like I’m goin’ outta my way.”

“It just doesn’t seem…. Are you sure? I don’t want to put anything on you. It’s still a big commitment. You don’t have to, um, you know – I was sorta joking about you doing charity, but I don’t want you feeling like you have to—”

Joel holds up a hand to stop your running dialogue. “It ain’t a big deal, and even if it was, I’d still do it. You’re good at the work, good with the customers, a fast learner. You’re reliable and a hard worker. Seems like a pretty fair exchange to me.”

You practically strain your eyes trying to keep the hot pinching feeling from blooming into full on tears. “Joel, this is so– I can’t thank you enough for — this is so… thank you. Yes, I would love to have the job. And thank you for taking a chance on me. I won’t let you down.”

Joel grins at you and shakes his head like he’s thinking through some inside joke with himself. “Same to you, sweetheart. Took a chance on me when you agreed to help out, so I think we’re in the same boat here.”

“Here’s to taking chances then, I guess,” you giggle after a loud sniffle.

“Here’s to taking a chance on each other,” he agrees with a wink.

The more downtime Joel has, the more opportunities he has to sit and think about you. It’s one of the reasons he’s been trying to keep himself busy, to keep himself from blurring that line between professional and personal with you. He’s your boss for chrissakes – officially now that you accepted the job offer. Not to mention he’s much older than you but apparently missing the wisdom that was supposed to come with that. 

It was his responsibility to set clear boundaries and make sure he was fostering professional relationships with his employees. The problem when it came to you was it felt personal no matter what he tried to do. The more you two got to know each other, the more you eased into conversation and opened up. The more you opened up, the more greedy he got to unravel some other tangled string about who you were and what made you tick and what things you liked and what he could do to make you smile.

It was a death knell in his delusions that he didn’t feel anything for you when it became clear that you shared the same dumb brand of humor, taking delight in the small, nonsensical things that cropped up everywhere and anytime. You’d surprised him a few times when you’d have some smartass little quip out of the blue, looking nervous for a moment that it would be taken the wrong way, but of course it never was. He loved those random moments where you’d come out of left field with something and make him laugh in the sort of carefree way kids do when they’ve stayed up too late and had too much sugary soda and junk food.

And just when he’d gorge himself on those little moments, there was an undeniable, unsettling feeling he got sometimes when you’d talk about things. Carrying yourself in a way that seemed like you anticipated censure even when you’d done nothing wrong. Acting surprised when he’d compliment something you did, even if it was simple. You had a hard time accepting and believing all the good things but no difficulty whatsoever in assuming the worst about yourself. He couldn’t understand it, especially when you were so easy to get along with and so good with people.

Sure, your old boss Jeremy was a jerkoff, but you hadn’t seemed fazed too much the handful of times Joel was aware of his mistreatment towards you. There was something else going on there, but he wasn’t sure what. He wasn’t exactly close enough to you to ask about your mom leaving all those years ago. He’s wondered more than once if you struggle with feelings of being unwanted or not good enough – things that Sarah had struggled with when her mom up and left without so much as a backwards glance.

It was painful enough to see Sarah go through it, and he wasn’t sure watching it happen to someone else would be much easier to witness. You seem sensitive and ironclad all at once, but he’s not sure if that’s just the protective shell you’ve built up over the years. All he knows is that he doesn’t want to contribute to any notions you have about low self-worth or lack of talent.

And then even after all that, the more he learned about your home life, the more muddy the waters became. You’d mentioned your brother – Colin? Calum? Calvin? – had moved out several months ago with stars in his eyes and dreams of living a bigger life than what he could ever make here. It all sounded a bit too much like those perfectly curated responses you always had – like the one you’d skillfully delivered to Mr. Dillard to get him to warm up to you.  Joel didn’t like to press you too much about your brother, and you didn’t say much about if you two had a good relationship or a relationship at all. But you always seemed a little sad whenever it came up.

He knew your dad still lived in the house with you, and that was maybe the most perplexing piece of the puzzle yet. Joel had seen his newer car parked in the driveway before, knew from what you’d told him about his job title and where he worked that he must have a pretty decent salary and selection of suits and ties, and he had a house in the same neighborhood as Joel. All signs pointed to doing pretty well in life, at least enough to be financially comfortable, but then why didn’t you seem to have those things? 

You didn’t have a car. Maybe you didn’t have any interest in driving? But it didn’t seem that way. And regardless, your bike had certainly seen better days. At the very least you and your dad could pool finances together for a newer bike? And you wore a lot of the same clothes over and over again. He hadn’t said anything about the business casual that was loosely encouraged for the job you just accepted. Maybe you just had a few clothing choices that made you feel the most comfortable? He didn’t want to risk stepping in it by mentioning something other than the plan t-shirts and jeans you often sported.

Joel glances at the clock on the wall of the car shop – 11:30. His mechanic buddy was supposed to be done with the company truck by now. Not wanting to sit and mull over every tiny tidbit about you and your life, he got up and headed for the front desk to check with Susan about how much longer she thought it might be. Before he got there, she called out for someone else. A someone else with your last name. It was a unique enough name to make him wonder if there was some relation, but the man’s face confirmed it. There was that stony, cold face Joel had conjured in his mind’s eye a few months back. He hadn’t just imagined that distinct lack of warmth after all.

The woman with him seemed impatient and jumpy, following behind him like a petulant shadow. The cut of your dad’s voice to Susan made Joel’s head clock to the side. He hadn’t said anything rude, but he didn’t need to. The tone there expressed all the disdain and irritation left unspoken. Susan responded with something about the cars getting backed up because someone called out sick, and your dad’s companion rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

“I can’t attest to the reliability of your staff, but I hope your work on her car is more promising,” he says plainly. His posture was so rigid and lax all at once. Everything about him was a bit of a contradiction. Joel noted the clean, shiny watch on his wrist where his pressed dress shirt grazed against it in a crisp, starched line. His hair was groomed without a single strand out of place. His shoes looked freshly polished. Between the attire and his demeanor, he certainly commanded respect and attention.

“Again, I apologize for the inconvenience,” Susan replied in a bored tone. She had never been one to take anybody’s bullshit in all the years Joel knew her. “If you would like the mechanic to review the work with you, I would be more than happy to call him in.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary, but I appreciate the offer,” your dad says without sounding much like he means it.

“Alright then. I’ll call you up shortly once I print out the paperwork and detail. You can take a seat. And you can come on over, Joel.”

Susan waves him to the desk. Your dad meets his eye and seems to vaguely recognize the name and the face together. Joel puts his hand out for a shake. “Yeah, hi there. Joel Miller with Miller Contracting. Unless I’m mistaken, your daughter has been helping us out these past few weeks.”

Your dad gives him an up and down before offering a tight handshake. “Mr. Miller, yes. Joel. Nice to meet you. I’ve been wondering who this mysterious side job had come from.”

“You’re lookin’ at him,” Joel laughs low with a shrug. He waits for him to introduce his companion, but he doesn’t. “And, uh, nice to meet you….?”

“Denise,” she sniffs. She takes his hand in an awkwardly pinching grasp before tucking her arms across her chest again.

“Denise, nice to meet you.” The insincerity in his voice came through, but thankfully Denise didn’t really seem to care regardless.

“So Miller Contracting is doing pretty well these days?” your dad asks.

“Yeah, can’t complain. Projects are steady. Customers are good.” Joel tucks his hands into his pockets, calm and friendly.

“Good, good. Maybe a bit more growth and that starting pay could get bumped up a little, huh?” your dad chuckles. His tone is light, but the underscoring message is clear that he’s serious.

“Uh, definitely like to share the success of the business with our employees, for sure,” Joel answers back stiffly. How did your dad know exactly what you made? Had you talked to him about it? Were you upset at the amount? Did you think it wasn’t enough? It was more than the grocery store, and you didn’t have any experience in the field. He was covering transportation for you and setting you up with a better work situation than what you’d had before, right? And he and Tommy always did their best to show appreciation to their staff with things like holiday or hire date anniversary bonuses.

Most of all, you hadn’t ever seemed concerned or upset about your pay. Was this just another example of you tamping down a reaction or thought to something just to keep the waters smooth?

“She’ll never ask for it. Probably wouldn’t occur to her,” your dad laughs at your expense. “Never been too financially savvy. Takes after her mother, unfortunately.”

Joel doesn’t know your mother and doesn’t know the circumstances of her leaving, but it’s clear a comparison to her is not in any way intended with kindness. A burning hot impulse to stick up for you rolls in his gut.

“Well I don’t know about not bein’ savvy. She’s been doin’ a knockout job so far. Got a good head on her shoulders for sure.” It’s a harmless enough claim to vouch for you, but Joel feels a bit at odds with himself trying to balance the instinct to defend you with the logical, benefit of the doubt sort of way he usually handled things. After all, your dad was a finance and economics guy. He probably thought most everyone was lacking in that area of finesse and knowledge. He probably didn’t mean to single you out specifically.

“We’ll say that’s where she takes after me then,” he laughs with a tight smile. “Well, it was nice talking to you, Joel. We’re gonna go take our seats now.” He glances back at Denise, who immediately turns to sit down.

Joel shakes your dad’s hand again and waves at Denise when she makes no move to interact with him again. He doesn’t miss the unimpressed yawn that Susan does while watching them go sit back down.

He doesn’t mention meeting your dad at the auto shop. He wants to see if you bring it up first or at all. He wasn’t sure he’d do very well communicating all of his thoughts and feelings about it, anyway. It bothered him to imagine you being upset, feeling taken advantage of, and then not feeling comfortable enough with him to say anything about it. Every imagining of it always ends up with some saddened version of you badmouthing him to your dad. Now your dad thinks you’re being underpaid by some random asshole, and Joel knows how he’d feel if Sarah was ever in a situation like that.

But then he couldn’t stop thinking about how there was something peculiar about your dad. Maybe it was the stress of haggling for a fair price over the repairs? Maybe he was feeling like he had to act like a strong, stand up guy for Denise and handle business? Maybe maybe maybe. There was still something so detached in the way he spoke about you. 

His plan to not bring it up falls through halfway through the week. He can’t take the idea of you seeing him as unfair or cheap or deceitful. “Hey, uh, so I ran into your old man a coupla days ago.” He clocks the way your entire body freezes for a moment before stiffly sitting up straight and chewing hard around your bite of sandwich in the break room. 

“Oh?”  

His brow pulls together at your forced casual inflection. “Yeah. Yeah, he was, uh, he was giving my mechanic friend’s shop a bit of a hard time. Think he was just tryna impress his, er, lady friend that was with him? Denise?” Joel cringes at his bumbling explanation, but your split second sneer tells him he’s probably on the right track thinking it was a girlfriend. Maybe one day you’d get to know each other well enough for him to ask about whatever happened with your mom. When the neighborhood gossip had made the rounds about her abrupt departure, leaving behind two teenaged kids with her husband of 16 years, he’d been so curious to know what had happened there.

“Yeah, I guess she was getting her car repaired. She was in an accident a little bit ago. My dad is helping her out with it.”

“That’s nice of him,” Joel supplies with a pleasant but neutral tone, searching your body language or expressions for any tells or clues.

“It is,” you agree. Your answers always veered into this curt, factual sort of expression whenever your dad or family came up.

“And, uh, well he mentioned somethin’ to me that’s been sorta buggin’ me if I’m bein’ honest.”

Your eyes snap up to his, panic swelling and being forced back so quickly he almost misses it. “What did he say?”

“Just somethin’ about the pay, and I guess– well, I’ll just come out with it. Do you feel like you’re not bein’ paid fairly?”

That quelled panic now cannonballs back into the picture. “What?! No! Of course not! I’m very happy!”

“Now listen, it’s okay if you don’t. I want you to be honest with me. I want you to know you can talk to me about that sorta stuff, and—”

“I’M VERY HAPPY!” You say it like you’re begging him to believe you, so he does.

“Okay, alright alright. It’s okay. I’m not upset with ya,” he assures you. That seems to take some of the edge off. He hated whenever he got you into these little destabilized whirlwinds. You had several tripwires of interaction that he’d come to learn and try to maneuver, but he was trying to get better at figuring out what made you feel calm again, too.

“Listen, my dad is just— he’s protective or whatever, okay? He’s just very— he takes— he wants to make sure the money goes into the account like it should,” you flounder. “He keeps tabs on it because I’m just–I’m just not good with that stuff. I’m not— I just make stupid choices. I’m stupid about stuff a lot, so he just– he wasn’t—”

“Hey now, whoa whoa hold on,” Joel interrupts with a partially raised hand. He turns to face you at the table and makes the bold choice to cradle your bicep in his hand. A part of him sings and swells with delight when you don’t pull away and actually look a bit comforted by it. “You aren’t stupid. You’ve got to quit with that shit.”

You stare back with a deer in headlights look. “I’m– what I meant to say was that he’s– I’m not a finance person like him, is what I meant. So, in comparison or whatever, you know? That’s what I meant.”

“Well then say that instead. Don’t call yourself stupid because it’s not true. Okay? You hear me?”

You nod, eyes dropping down to your lap, and fiddle with the fabric of his jeans taut against his knee. “Okay.”

Your deliberate choice to make physical contact with him overwhelms him with a sense of pride he doesn’t fully understand but recognizes nonetheless.

“Listen, I gotta head out in a few minutes to meet with a client, but I’m gonna call to check in on you after when I’m on my way back, alright?”

You smile a little at that. “Okay.”

He can’t shake the strange feeling about your dad and your pay and why he’s apparently managing your money for you. His words come out before he’s really even thought about what he’s saying. “I think if you’re okay with it, we’re gonna keep doin’ the cash payroll for the time being. Might switch over after tax season is done.” He doesn’t even know if that’s a thing or what it even means, but it’s all he can concoct on the spot to keep your finances in a gray area until he gets a better hold on what the dynamic is between you and your dad.

Your face brightens and relaxes. “Oh, okay. Yeah. No, that’s fine. I’m fine with that.”

Way to fucking go, you idiot. 

You’re practically seething at yourself after Joel leaves to meet with a client. Why why why had you given your dad such a low number? You got greedy, that’s why. You could’ve just said it was a 50 cent pay cut instead of a whole dollar. Now Joel thinks you’re an ungrateful employee after he hired you even though you weren’t qualified whatsoever, and now your dad has made some point of contact with Joel. What if they run into each other again and your dad confronts him with the number you gave him? What would he do when Joel corrected that he in fact did pay you a whole two dollars more than what you were claiming.

You can imagine it now, the way your dad would go back through every timelog and bank statement to calculate how much you’d diverted. A cold snap runs up your spine when your mind starts to wander into the “how would he reprimand you for your dishonesty and disregard for his rules?” territory. You grab your flip phone to distract yourself for a moment in the hopes you can shove all this mental disequilibrium to the side until you have time to process and deal with it. 

You mindlessly read through Kenzie’s texts about meeting up with a classmate last night to study, only for it to end up with “lots of not studying oops lol” and a winky text emoji. She goes through her usual Dicking Down Rubric as she liked to call it, and ultimately gives her “study buddy” a 2.9 out of 5. Any hopes of getting your mind to a clearer spot have gone out the window. You wish your biggest life issues right now were how to grade someone’s sexual presence and prowess. You hadn’t been laid in forever, and you briefly wonder if your pussy could wither away permanently if the dry spell was long enough.

Maybe you could still become a nun or something one day if things don’t work out.

You sigh and shake your head. This wasn’t helpful, and it was keeping you from getting your work done. So, you force yourself to open an email, return a voicemail, open another email, double check the calendar for next week, open another email…..

Joel’s picture is taking up your phone screen before you know it. Your heart does a little leap just seeing it. “Hey,” you answer in an unbothered, collected sort of way. You hope, at least.

“Hey, just checkin’ in,” he says.

He remembered to check in on you after he said he was going to. The notion is enough to make you feel a tad too emotional for a work setting. Pathetic. Get it together.

“What a good boss,” you hum – light, bubbly, playful. Definitely not still reeling from your earlier conversation. Definitely not spiraling into the abyss. Definitely not panicking. Definitely not wishing you could feel him wrap his hand around your arm again or anywhere else he pleased.

“Just a perk of the job,” he chimes in with a hearty chuckle. He clears his throat. “So, uh, you’re doin’ alright? You feelin’ okay from earlier?”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” you exhale.

“You’re doin’ it again,” he gently chides.

You aren’t sure what he means at first, but then you realize you must’ve apologized. At this rate you were downright curious as to what he deemed apology worthy because anything you’ve ever felt bad for thus far hasn’t met the criteria. “I guess I shouldn’t say sorry for saying sorry, huh?”

He breathes a little laugh over the receiver, and you want to melt into your seat. “And you have the nerve to call yourself stupid?”

Ever since that afternoon discussing his run in with your dad, Joel has been doing his little check ins more frequently. Chats in the car. Calls to and from clients or job sites. Little texts here and there over the weekend when he didn’t see you. You’d always regarded attention on you as a harbinger of corrections and judgements, but this sort of attention was different. It was nice. It made your chest feel more open, like you could breathe a little easier. It inserted a strange sort of hard stop to your day no matter what was going on, and it provided a clear moment of pause for you to check in with yourself.

You’d never been good at checking in on yourself. You were always too consumed with taking the temperature of everyone else around you. It was always harder to gauge your own thoughts and feelings without someone else’s mood and mindset acting as the measuring stick.

The entire month passes with these threads of outreach and gentleness and concern and support. Before you know it, the threads have woven into a tapestry of care and a true connection with somebody you might’ve never expected it from. How is he so soft and solid at the same time? How is he so commanding and comforting at the same time? How is he so steadfast and sympathetic at the same time? How is he so action oriented and receptive at the same time?

How was he so many things that your whole life you thought you had to pick one or the other when apparently you could be both without contradiction?

“You keep starin’ at me like I got barbecue sauce on my mouth or somethin’,” he laughs. His eyes stay fixed on the road, but his grin is so broad it bleeds into his entire side profile.

“Maybe you do,” you laugh back with a nonchalant shrug. You fix your eyes ahead now, too. Caught red-handed.

“I told you after y’all let me walk around with that booger in my nose for pretty much the entire day last week you’re required to tell me if I got somethin’ goin’ on.”

“I didn’t even see the booger,” you giggle.

“Liar,” he huffs. “Kept lookin’ at me so much I got to thinkin’ I musta looked real nice that day. Then I go to the bathroom and see that giant bat in the cave. Crushed my heart. Ego up in flames.”

“If you want me to say that you’re handsome even with a booger hanging out of your nose, you’re gonna have to promote me to CEO.”

He chuckles at that and fake pinches your leg. “Better read your contract again, ma’am. It’s right in there: employees must lie to Joel about how handsome he is.”

“Hm, sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen,” you muse.

“The only crime bein’ committed is y’all hurting my feelings by letting me walk around with delusions of grandeur,” he charges. “And I think that deserves jail time, honestly. County jail. None of that cushy stuff.”

You whistle low and cock an eyebrow. “Judge, jury, and executioner?”

Joel pulls into your neighborhood, and your heart sinks a little bit. It was always too short of a drive, always too short of a day. It wasn’t fair.

“Shame, isn’t it? And all you had to do was lie and tell me I’m handsome,” he tuts.

You angle your body towards the driver’s side and prop your elbow into the headrest. You rest your head against your hand and prop one leg on the seat. “So you go out of your way to hire liars then?”

He glances at you now with an impish little grin. “Sweetheart, if they’re as good as you are, I don’t care if they’re a liar or not.”

“Well in that case, you are devastatingly handsome.” You bite back a smile and pray to god he can’t feel the heat in your cheeks radiating off you.

“Knew it,” he declares in mock vindication.

You pretend pinch his leg back, and he grabs you before you can pull it away. His hand is so warm and big and safe.

“You better quit it,” he warns. You have a moment of internal shock when his words – words you’d heard spoken a million times in a million different variations, all intended to elicit compliance out of fear – don’t make you afraid. Nervous? Yes. Nervous in the stage fright sort of way. Nervous in the first day of school jitters sort of way. Nervous in the first kiss on a first date kind of way. But there’s no fear here. Just heady anticipation.

He drops your hand to make the turn onto your street, and your heart plummets through the floor. Everything with him always ended too soon.

Joel: Paul Revere here to tell you the trick-or-treaters are out and about.

Joel: The kids are coming! The kids are coming! 🐎🕯️Ready the candy bowls!

You: what’s with the horse and the candle lol

Joel: Paul Revere’s midnight ride. It’s not midnight, but you get the idea.

You: wow I’ve never met an emoji artist before

Joel: Ha ha very funny.

Joel: You get any trick-or-treaters yet? I don’t know what half of these costumes are.

You aren’t sure you want to tell him you’re currently sitting by yourself in a pitch black house so no kids come to your door thinking you have candy. Because of course your dad was out with Denise and her two kids, so of course he didn’t give a shit about putting out candy or what your plans were. He hadn’t even bothered to invite you, but you suppose that’s fair because you probably would’ve declined anyway. He was just saving you the extra step, really.

You: yeah funny enough we didn’t get any candy so I’m hiding out in a dark house so the kids don’t get mad at us

Joel: You’re by yourself?

Your heart did little flips every time he showed a modicum of protectiveness and thoughtfulness.

You: yeah it’s no biggie though I can just live vicariously thru you

You: you can tell me about the best costumes tomorrow morning and I can try to guess what the character is based off your terrible descriptions 🥲

Joel: Or you could just pass out candy with me? Unless you like sitting in the dark by yourself.

You: lol you tryna con me into passing out your candy for you?

Joel: Yes. 😎

Joel: Is it working?

You: be there in 5

His heart leaps into his throat when you cruise around the corner on your bike. God he hadn’t in his wildest dreams expected that texting you that stupid Paul Revere joke would result in you spending the evening with him. In truth, he’d just wanted to talk to you again. He couldn’t count how many times over the past several weeks he’d picked up his phone to send you a message and thought better of it at the last second. Can’t cross another line when he’s already crossed too many. 

He’d usually just stare at your contact picture for more time than was appropriate – a little consolation prize for barring himself from sending inane messages and calls your way – before shoving his phone back into his pocket. But now he didn’t have to settle for a static image of you. Now you were here in the flesh and going to spend a couple more precious hours together. He knew he shouldn’t make his giddiness too obvious, but christ was that becoming harder and harder the longer he knew you.

He takes your bike and props it against the porch railing. He makes a mental note about getting you a new one or at least letting him fix this one up for you. You settle onto the bench where he has the candy bowl already set up. He kicks himself for not knowing your favorite candy so he could’ve dumped a few bags of it into the mix.

“You want a beer or anything?”

You scrunch your nose and wave him off. “No, I’m good. Thanks, though.”

He settles onto the bench and can’t quite muster enough genuine regret about the tight fit it is for you both to share. You don’t lean away or adjust in your seat, so he takes it as good a sign as any that you don’t mind your thighs touching. You draw your legs up and place them criss-cross, apologizing for how your knee rests against his leg, and he takes a deep gulping swallow. Nope. Certainly no regrets about not building this bench bigger in the first place.

The first few trick-or-treaters come springing up onto the porch with their sights set on candy acquisition. You keep laughing at him trying to ask the kids what their costume is or who they’re supposed to be, only to have them flying off the porch in search of the next house.

“Quit it,” he laughs with a prod to your side. You squeak and nearly fold in on yourself towards him. “Oh, ticklish, huh?”

“Don’t you dare,” you warn. You sound like you might really mean it.

“I would never,” he huffs. “I’m the handsome gentleman boss, remember?”

“You’re just adding adjectives now, huh?”

“Caught me,” he concedes with a wink.

You’re icy when he asks about why you were holed up at your house by yourself. You tell him your dad is out with Denise and her two kids. There was that same odd energy from you whenever your dad cropped up in conversation. Trying to change the subject and lighten your mood, he asks about what sort of costumes you wore as a kid. You give him generic, vague answers — princess, witch, princess again, witch princess — and don’t seem all that nostalgic about any of it. 

“What about Sarah? What sort of costumes did she have?”

He loves talking about Sarah and all the things she’s done in her life and all the places she’s going next, but other people weren’t always as invested so he kept it simple. He laughs as he recalls the one year she insisted on being a hot dog for some reason but ended up stomping around and crying when all the other kids kept calling her a wiener. “It wasn’t funny, but shit… I mean….” He breaks into another round of laughter, and you join in.

“You’re a really good dad.” It’s a gentle remark, a tender observation. It makes Joel’s throat feel tight how delicately you share the sentiment, how soft it is on your tongue. It almost sounds wistful the way you say it. You reach over and squeeze the hand not holding onto the candy bowl. “Sarah’s really lucky.”

He squeezes your hand back. “Well, I’d say the same about her. Hard to not try for a kid like her, you know? She was better to me than I deserved most of the time. The least I could do was show up for her.”

Your sad smile goes tight as you look off into the front yard at the dwindling number of kids. It’s almost time for you to go home, and Joel knows it. He hates it. Every time he’s with you, the clock goes too fast and the time is up too soon. It’s always over too soon.

“Well, I’d better head out,” you announce. Your eyes drop back to your hand in his. He nearly slots his fingers into yours when you gently rub his hand with your thumb before standing up.

“Let me drive you,” he blurts out. Anything to make this last longer. Anything to spend more time with you.

“Oh, that’s silly. It’s just around the corner. That’s really sweet, but I—”

Joel hops up and abandons the nearly empty bowl of candy on the bench. He’s grabbing your bike and putting it into the bed of his truck before you can talk him out of it. “Just grabbin’ my keys,” he says as he skirts around you to the front door and swipes them from the console table.

“C’mon,” he insists. He places a hand on the small of your back. Your lashes flutter in a syrupy haze at the contact. He ushers you to the passenger door. He opens it for you and shuts it behind you.

“You really don’t have to,” you contend. It’s a weak appeal. He knows you don’t mean it. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up that maybe you like spending any spare second possible with him, too.

“It’s dark out, and who knows what kinda weird pranks some teenagers are tryna play. Gonna get yourself hit with a water balloon full of pee or somethin’ if you bike home.”

You exhale a shocked laugh through your nose. “A what? Is that the sorta thing you and Tommy got up to as kids?” You lean closer to him in the front seat.

He laughs and swears he never did more than TP a house or two or play ding dong doorbell ditch. He drives as slow as he can to your house, but it’s not very far. He’s helping you out of the car and unloading your bike for you before he knows it. Your dad’s car isn’t in the driveway. He hates thinking about you being in the house by yourself late at night like this. You walk him into the backyard where you store your bike in the shed. 

You walk so close to him side by side that he can feel the heat coming off you. He jokes that he really just wanted you to come over because he’s a big scaredy cat on Halloween. You snort and give him a light bump with your body. He gives you one back, and you grab onto his arm with the claim that he “could knock you flat on your ass” if he wasn’t careful. Joel lets himself be delusional and believe that you just want to hold onto him the way he wants to hold onto you.

“Ya know, talkin’ about being scared of things. I’m so fuckin’ glad I didn’t scare you off when I came with that offer to work in my house out of the blue.” He shakes his head and chuckles at how odd it probably was for you to be approached with it. “It was a weird situation, but I’m glad you don’t spook easy.”

You shoot him a soft, wistful smile from the porch steps where you turn to meet him almost eye level. “Spook me? No, hardly. Not when it’s more like you’re the one keeping The Scaries away.” Your eyes glance down to where your hand eases into his. You look up at him again and give his hand a little squeeze. “Get home safe. Don’t get yourself pelted with piss balloons.”

Joel grins and shakes his head instead of what his body is compelling him to do because he knows it wouldn’t be right to snatch you up right now into a kiss. “I’ll text you when I get home to let you know my fate.” He reluctantly drops his hand before he does something stupid that he can’t take back. You wave him off and head inside. 

Joel’s tail lights disappear around the corner, and your entire body feels like it could collapse under the taut band of whatever your relationship with him was turning into — or had already turned into weeks ago.

No. No. This isn’t a relationship. It’s a work relationship. It’s professional. 

He’s your boss.

The house is empty. Your dad is still trick-or-treating with his ready made, play pretend family. You thought you’d be used to it by now, the nauseating sensation of someone else always being picked instead of you, but it still feels like a scab being ripped up every time. Even during his love bombing phases, he never showed up for you like that as a kid. He was almost always putting most of his energy into keeping your mom complacent enough to stay.

There wasn’t ever any leftover energy or motivation after he charmed and conned your mom into believing this time would be different. You’d always felt even as a child that she’d been the one who wanted to have kids and that he obliged but resented her for it, even all these years later. Kids were a means to an end, a bandaid on a broken relationship, and you wonder if it ever occurred to him that you and Calum were actual people with actual feelings and individual hopes and dreams and thoughts and aspirations. More often it felt as though he regarded you much the same as some household pet or other dependent thing that was more trouble than it was worth.

It always seemed so obvious that he cared mostly about the projection of family life rather than the actual family unit. Appearances were something him and your mom could actually agree on, and they both exacted their demands to fit the mold in different but equally excruciating measures.

You feel like crying, but you aren’t sure why. You don’t want your mom to choose you. You don’t want your dad to choose you. Not when all the destructive, dysfunctional aspects come with it. It’s a package deal you never truly want, even if sometimes your heart tried to tell you maybe it was okay if you did want to be chosen by your parents just once to know what it felt like.

The gleam of light from your work phone illuminates your room. It’s Joel.

Joel: Made it home dry. Didn’t get hit by any pee balloons either.

You: is that a double pee joke??? 😭

Joel: Yes.

You: wow all I can say is that urine luck that I like you so much because otherwise 😐

Joel: Please never tell Sarah I was bested in a toilet humor joke-off. I have so little, and I can’t lose this.

You: oh you want my silence huh what’s in it for me?

Joel: My undying love and gratitude.

Your heart swells at his words, and you allow yourself to slip into the fantasy of it. The alternate universe where Joel Miller truly does wish to give you his undying love and gratitude. In text land, though, you play it cool. Or try to.

You: hmmm idk anything else on the table?

Joel: Breakfast tomorrow morning on me?

You: ok now we’re talking

Joel: See you bright and early. 😎

You: lol ok see you in the am

Joel: Night. 🎃💤🧸

You: what’s the bear doing?

Joel: That’s his favorite stuffed animal, thank you very much!

You: the pumpkin?? 

Joel: Yeah. Because it’s Halloween. Get it? Goodnight? Jack-o-lantern with his favorite teddy bear going to sleep?

You: wow you should write books

You feel a rush of excitement and nerves when his contact picture takes up the entire screen. You answer almost immediately, eyes fluttering closed at the sound of his breathy chuckle on the other end.

“Well, hello, Joel,” you hum.

“You makin’ fun of me?” he demands in feigned indignation.

“No, not at all. In fact, if you wrote that book I’d read it one hundred percent,” you assure him in an over the top sweet voice. “I’d be first in line at the signing and everything. I’d have on my jack-o-lantern and bear t-shirt with my matching wristband and baseball cap. I’d be decked out. Totally. Your number one fan.”

He scoffs and fakes offense. “You mean you aren’t already my number one fan?”

“I dunno, where are you buying me breakfast?”

He laughs hard now and mutters under his breath about you being a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You tug your lower lip under your teeth and stifle a giggle. “Wherever you want, princess.”

“Oh, now who’s brown nosing who, huh?” you lob back with a tiny titter, trying with all your might to not scream into your pillow and the way his voice dropped with that last line.

“So what if I am?”

Maybe he hadn’t meant to come across so charged and weighted, but it landed like a lead brick in your lap. A beat of nervous silence and then–

“Well, then I’d say it’s working,” you tease. He breathes a little laugh, a relieved exhale more than anything. “And I don’t care where we get it. Just some random drive-thru would be fine with me, honestly.”

Joel tuts in disapproval. “C’mon now, you can do better’n that.”

“I’ve never been a huge breakfast person, so I don’t know all the good spots. I mean, why don’t you just pick whatever your favorite spot is, and we’ll do that?”

He considers this for a moment before agreeing. “Yeah, alright. I’ll figure somethin’ out. I’ll pick you up about 30 minutes earlier tomorrow. You get some rest now and don’t let me keep you from it, alright?”

“You’re not keeping me from anything,” you softly correct. When the quiet passes between you two again in that weighted, charged energy, you add, “Tonight was really nice. Thanks for letting me pass out candy with you.”

“It was nice,” he agrees. “And I enjoyed the company and conversation. Brought up lots of good memories for me all while makin’ some new ones.”

Your heart feels like it could burst at any moment.

“Definitely some wholesome piss balloon memories made,” you joke.

He laughs again, a sound you’ll never tire of hearing. “Absolutely. Now on that wonderful note, I’ll let you get some sleep. Goodnight, sweetheart.”

“Goodnight, Joel.”

trying to do the tags even tho they didn't work last time:

@witchy-and-persnickity @tuquoquebrute @ellenmunn @akah565 @goodwithcheese @koshkaj-blog @umnitsa @jupiter-soups @pastelnap @fadajnaoqkzalq @confusedpuffin @zooty-and-fruity @drunk-and-capable @cumberpegg @persephone-girl @lovelyjess69 @verybigvag @nutterbitter @sunshinehaze1 @beelzebeth87 @bizarrelove-triangle

[kimmiessimmies]

Personal post

This will probably be the most non-Sims related post I've put on this blog ever. I'll put most of it under a cut, so you can choose whether or not to read it. The thing is, I could use some advice. And asking strangers from all over the world advice on something important might be weird, but you are also my community, so I value your opinions. Don't worry, this isn't a "Kim being depressed" kinda post. 😉 It's a work thing.

Upfront: This post is about me being unhappy in my current well-paid job and my search for something that makes me happy. It might come across sounding a bit entitled, since I know there are many people who would be happy to have any job, just so they can pay their bills. I'm sorry if this post triggers that, and I know I'm privileged to even be in this situation. ❤️

TL/DR: Do I stay in a well-paid, secure job that doesn't bring happiness and actually negatively affects my mental health because of it? Or: Do I take the plunge into the unknown and give up the securities I have now for something that could potentially (but not guaranteed) not only make me happy but bring me opportunities as well?

Okay, here's the deal. Currently, I work in education. I've been teaching for 19 years, and for the last 3 years, I've held the position that best translates to special needs coordinator at the school where I've been all of my working life. In short, my job entails making sure the teachers have the tools they need to help all kids in their classes with special educational needs, to make sure each child ends up in the right form of education fitting their needs and dealing a lot with difficult or even alarming home situations. My job can be rewarding at times, and challenging at others. Aside from this, I've been part of the management team at my school for almost 8 years. I work at a big school. It wasn't big when I started there, but it's big now. I have a degree in Early Childhood Education, and that's also the age group I've always dealt with. It's the age group I've always taught, and it's the age group currently under my supervision in the position I'm now.

This past year, I've struggled with my mental health, as I've mentioned before, and have not been at work fully for a while. My therapist and I established that while work is "okay", it's also not bringing me joy anymore while my job was once the happiest and most passionate thing I did. Right now, it's blah. This position is not one that really suits me, yet I don't want to go back to teaching either. I've been there, done that. Add to that the fact that, come September, my boss requires me to change my position slightly. I'd be doing the same thing I do now, but for an older age group. This has given me a lot of stomach aches, because the thing that still drives me to do my job now is the fact that I'm doing it geared towards the youngest kids in school.

All in all, the job is not bringing me happiness in the slightest anymore. Having said that, I know a lot of people do jobs that don't make them happy, but it pays the bills, so let's suck it up and just do it. Which is fine, I can do that too, except my mental health suffers...

However, there are a few good things about this job too:

The pay is really good

I have lovely colleagues

I have a lot of credits here because I've been here for so long. They know my worth

I have a very understanding boss who's been nothing short of wonderful during my depression

(If you're still with me, thank you for reading this essay all the way, it's appreciated 💗)

My therapist asked me, "If money weren't a factor, what would you be doing?" My answer was "write." More specifically, I just want to stay home all day and work on ATOH, but no one is going to pay me for that. 😄 So, write, or do a job in which writing plays a role. So, she advised me to start looking for jobs that fit that description. It was a rather depressing search. Most jobs that came close to what I'd like to do require degrees or diplomas I don't have.

And then I suddenly stumbled upon something: Assistent Project Manager at a small, but well established company that creates educational projects (usually based on children's books), books and materials geared towards early childhood education in particular, and currently expanding to do the same for education to older kids as well.

I felt like I had found the holy grail. This is writing, this is editing, this is being creative, this is working with authors, but it's also closely related to early childhood education, the thing I know so well. Despite still being semi depressed, I felt like I needed to at least give this a shot. So, I wrote a letter, enclosed my resume, and waited. I didn't have to wait long, because a few days later I got an invite for an interview.

I went for the interview and was welcomed at a small and very homely office space (with an office cat!). We had a good talk and I left happy. They invited me to do a "trial day" with them, which is what I'll be doing today. They've had a lot of applicants for this position, but from the contact we've had since, it seems like I stand a good chance.

Sounds like a no-brainer? Perhaps, unless you have my brain... Because there are doubts:

Pay. This job pays quite a bit less than my current one. I'm a single parent and therefore sole breadwinner in my household. Currently, I make quite good money because I've been in this job for a long time and hold a relatively high position in the organisation. We can pay the bills, go on holidays, and even splurge occasionally (for example, the very pricey laptop I bought a few months ago). With this job, I would still make enough to pay the bills and go on holidays, but I will need to keep an eye on the money, and there won't be splurging for a while. I do know this sounds like a luxury problem to some.

Job security. In my current job, I'm under a fixed contract. Basically, unless I royally fuck up, I can't be fired. With this job I'd start on a year contract. After that year, they can either decide to give me another year or let me go. This won't just be if I mess up, but also if they decide I'm not the best person for the job after all, or if I don't fit in with their small, close-knit team. Worst case scenario; they let me go, and I'll have to go back to education and probably teach again.

These doubts are few, but strong. So, basically, like I already said above: do I stay in a well-paid, secure job that doesn't bring happiness and actually negatively affects my mental health because of it? Or: do I take the plunge into the unknown and give up the securities I have now for something that could potentially (but not guaranteed) not only make me happy but bring me opportunities as well (since it's publishing)?

I don't need anyone to actually answer those questions, but those are the wonderings on my mind I wanted to write down. Thanks for reading. ❤️

[greys-dawn]

Please help us keep our house!

Hi folks! After struggling to land a job for the past several months, and after having our landlord raise rent on us, we've decided to put together a GFM to try to pull together funds for this month. This is pretty much a last ditch effort to avoid losing our house at this point

About us

We're the Grey Skies, a traumagenic and polyfragmented system with DID. We're best known for the things we create:

Bots like Sheep, Form Fox, and Ticket Golem

Various flags and comics

Integrations, tools, and libraries for PluralKit

And a lot more, honestly ^^;

In short, we love to create things for others, and want to continue being able to do so ^^

We're disabled and struggle with chronic pain caused by muscular issues, along with frequent brain fog, severe social anxiety, and depression. We're autistic and are also overwhelmed/overstimulated easily. These things make a typical job more difficult for us for a number of reasons, but we're still trying our best with it

Our Situation

Long story short: we had to quit our job in order to take care of our physical and mental health, and since then we've been struggling to land a new job that's stable and doesn't contribute to our health issues. Our partner also struggles with working, and it's been hard for both of us to find another means of income that can pay our bills.

Both of us have put in hundreds of applications in an attempt to land some kind of job, but neither of us have had much luck. We've run into a lot of scams (don't worry, we haven't lost anything but time to them), jobs that were harder on us than expected, and plenty of places that interview us and then ghost or reject us. We've had a handful of moments where we thought we'd get the job, only to end up getting rejected shortly after. It's become a pretty devastating cycle, to be honest.

If we do lose the house, we're not sure what'll happen. Our partner has family that she can stay with, but for whatever reason, that family doesn't want us& staying too- despite us being engaged and having been together for over four years now. We& have family in our home state that we might be able to live with, but in the past that home directly contributed to our worsening mental and physical health. It's also very cramped there already, with several extended family members living in a small home that's barely intended for 3 people, let alone the 6 or so currently there. Splitting up would be horrible for both of us as well, and we're afraid for our partner's safety if that happens.

Overall, these past few months have been extremely rough for us. We're hoping that this campaign can help give us more time to secure a stable job, or can help us to reach our goal of being able to work on our projects full time without working a second job.

Links

GFM: https://gofund.me/bf52ae9b

If you'd like to help out but don't like GFM, or you want to donate on a monthly basis, we also have these:

Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/greysdawn

Patreon: https://patreon.com/greysdawn

Every little bit helps, and we sincerely appreciate everyone that supports us 💜

Thank you all and have a great day!

[biribaa]

WAWAAWAWAAWW ROMANCE THIS PLATONIC THIS WHATEVER I WANT TO SEE SCRYBES AS PARENTAL FIGURES

Leshy would be a well balanced father, he knows when to treat you sweetly and he knows when you need to be scolded. For me Leshy is one of the most leisurely patrons, so you can have plenty of free time to do any kind of parent and child activity.

I really believe that Leshy would teach you how to make wooden figures. Just you, his dear child, and him, making some wooden figures together. Did you cut yourself with the knife? Of course, don't worry, Leshy will have his full attention for you and take care of your cut. Leshy isn't desperate with certain injuries of yours, of course he's worried, but he knows you're going to be fine.

Leshy will have a hard time making food for you... Seeing how he's not very fond of cooking. Having some cookbooks would be nice right now...

Leshy tends to sleep hugging you, he wants to make sure you're warm, the woods usually tend to be cold, and he would hate to see his dear child have to suffer from a cold nose and sneezing.

Leshy will teach you how to hunt, write, read, how to skin animals without getting blood on you, etc. Basics for you to survive in the forest if at some point you want to live alone.

Also, Leshy tells you bedtime stories! He was hesitant at first, but seeing how insistent you were, he couldn't say 'no' to your lovely smile.

.

I bet Grimora has dreamed/wanted at some point in her life to have a child, so trust me, you are a blessing in her life!

Grimora showers you with verbal support. You did a drawing of her? "Why, isn't this splendid my child! I'm truly proud of you Y/N. Keep drawing and I bet you'll be even better than uncle Magnificus!". You finish the duties Grimora sent you to do? "Good job Y/N! I know that I could always trust you." Or anything else that you made a effort? "Magnificent Y/N! I'm so happy to hear this news!"

She doesn't spoil you, but Grimora clearly gives the attention every child needs to you and you alone. Grimora doesn't just want to be your mother, she wants to be your friend.

Grimora loves to teach you things, even the simplest things, like sewing or how to make tea. And after that the two of you try to sew something together while she listens to you talk about your day.

.

Magnificus being a father figure is similar to Leshy, but more protective. Leshy trusts you and knows you can get by with his learnings, while Magnificus is extremely protective of you.

He always asks where you're going and who your new friends are. Don't get him wrong, Magnificus its just worried and care about you, both your physical and mental health. He wants to make it more than clear that you are not just anyone, but the child of Magnificus. Perhaps this sudden fame and a lot of people treating you like royalty might irritate you slightly, so it would be best to talk to Magnificus about the situation if that's what bothers you, so he can make an attempt to sort things out.

I don't think Magnificus is one of the best fathers, so he puts a lot of expectations on you as his child, but over time he realizes that you are not a saint and sometimes you just don't have the physical/mental strength to do certain things , he tries to lighten the weight of expectations and responsibilities on you while you're still just a kid, you deserve to be free :]

And like Grimora, Magnificus likes to shower you with verbal support, always telling you he's proud of you for doing your chores. Sometimes, he even gives you gifts that he knows you like!

Magnificus is also a great listener. The moment between the two of you while Magnificus paints a picture and you talk endlessly about your interests is pleasant for him. Speaking of painting, you're the first person he shows the paintings he's done!

.

Oof, P03 is a tough one.

P03 never planned or was interested in having a child, and yet, here you are.

P03 is horrible at showing the affection they have for someone. The easiest type of affection for P03 to express affection is simply helping you with whatever difficulties you are having.

They help you pick up things you can't reach for your size, helps you with tasks you're having and listens to you talk about the horrible day you had (with a bonus of them calling whoever bothered you an asshole. And having something against that person after that day).

And of course P03 will teach you strategies and how to play cards, saying that "I don't want to suffer the shame of having a horrible player as a child", but in fact he meant "Omfg I don't want anyone calling my kid a loser I want them to be the best so they can be proud of themselfand not have their mental health destroyed by idiots"

And when P03 praises a drawing you made for it or completed a task or won a card battle, it just says "Good job Y/N", with a lil' pat pat in your head. But he SWEARS he's been so positively affected by the things you've done, he just has a big problem expressing it. So please, do tell him if you don't feel appreciated enough, and P03 will make an attempt to show his true feeling more.

[cookiesupplier]

Every Rose Has Its Thorns - Part Forty

pairing: Ricky Olson x ofc x Chris 'Motionless' Cerulli

warnings/tropes: slow burn, soulmates, strangers to enemies to lovers, betrayal, angst, fluff, smut, language, online bullying, panic attacks, stalking, mental health issues, conspiracy theories.

summary: In a world where soulmates inexplicably receive a tattoo that will match that of their soulmate the moment they turn eighteen years old, being famous and covered in very visible tattoos can make finding your true soulmate a questionable fate. For everyone involved.

author’s note: Unbeta'd as usual, enjoy!

To read from the beginning, check out the Masterlist Here!

tags: @tearfallpixie @cncohshit @jordynyingling0219 @faceless-mirror

@nyxthedestroyerofworlds @wild-child-7747 @witchyweeb34 @black-damask1999

@jilliemiw86 @ilovesamkiszka @lyschko666 @lacktoesandtoddlerants

@bngurngheart @collapsedglasshouses @laurpartyprogram @sunsshinesunny

@malerieee @talialovesmiw @shilohrosechicken @thatchickwiththecamera @tamtam-elizabeth

Tag List is Open, please let me know if you would like to be added to it or in general.

Talia had spent most of the morning with Ava. She promised her that Vinny was supportive of them spending some time together today after how the night before had gone, even if they had already been talking so late into the night. They’d decided that they had wanted to go out after being so cooped up, and went window shopping, just like they always used to, while Vinny decided to randomly jump online for a surprise streaming session. The fact that he’d pushed them both out of the door, assuring them that his subscribers would probably just love a surprise stream, eased Talia’s worry that he might be upset about her stealing more time with Ava. 

Really, Talia just didn’t want to be that demanding friend, especially when she was already living in his house, and the thought that she might be verging on outstaying her welcome? It filled her with utter dread. Of course, the moment she was talking to Ava about the possibility of her considering whether it was time for her to go home, she shut her down immediately. Talia had tried to explain she thought she needed to sort things out back there for a little bit, but Ava hadn’t wanted to hear a word about it. She had been insistent that Talia still had so much she still needed to sort out with Ricky, not to mention whatever this was that was happening with Chris. Putting it off was not going to help anything. When Talia had looked at her quickly then, worried that her best friend was attempting to fish for more information about what was going on there. She had been clear the night before she was going to tell her, but not without talking to Chris about that. She knew how Ava could be wanting to know, but Ava knew how she was as well, especially considering her own situation. 

Relationships, soulmates, they weren’t easy, for anyone, at any time, well, Kyle and Jordan didn’t count, they were the lucky few. While it wasn’t a leap to guess this did involve Chris potentially in a relationship sense, Talia had far from even admitted that this had anything to do with this having something to do with Chris’ soulmate. She didn’t know if Vinny has or hasn’t said anything to her about Chris’ soulmate situation. After all it was only the band and his family that knew, and he said as much, he hadn’t mentioned Ava when Chris had told her. 

So they’d gone shopping. Well, they’d gone window shopping, hanging around the stores, and just having fun. It was something they used to do all the time, really just making time to hang out together out and about. Things had gotten in the way, life had got in the way, and it felt good that they could actually take the time to spend together now. It was late afternoon, when they’d gone back to Vinny’s and were finishing up watching a movie together, when Talia got a call from Ricky and Chris. The guys were asking her to come over, when they mentioned that they had an update from Chris contacts, and didn’t want to say anything else over the phone, it had gotten her attention. Oh, oh, that felt a bit weird, so of course, she agreed. She needed to know what they’d found out now.

Leaving Ava to Vinny, chuckling to herself when she got into Ava’s rental car after Vinny laughed about how he was finally getting his girlfriend back after she stole her for the whole day, how dare she.. It was nice to know he was joking. Talia would readily admit, people made her nervous sometimes, especially jokes like that from Vinny. Vinny’s opinion mattered, because Ava mattered, and the thought of ruining that balance between them was definitely a worry, too much, and she wasn’t sure how it would turn out. She was never going to be that friend that would make Ava choose. Knowing everything was fine with him was making it easier, or at least Ava assuring her it was. 

Not that it mattered right now, she was happy that Vinny seemed okay for the moment with Ava. What she was curious about was what Chris seemed to have found out and hadn’t wanted to tell her over the phone. That was what she was wondering as she drove over Chris place, picking up something for dinner on the way, she told them she would, even if it was a little early. She’d offered not wanting to worry about it like last night and if it was anything like yesterday, as fun as it had been, she didn’t think she could handle another night of strawberry covered chocolates. Though, she had a feeling if Rick was going to offer to make dessert again, he wasn’t going to risk those brownies not working a second time. Or worse, would he do the strawberries on purpose.. No, no, it was better she offered to take care of dinner tonight.

So that was how Talia turned up at Chris’ house with a few pizzas in hand. She picked up the meat lovers for Ricky, she knew it was a safe choice for him, vegan mediterranean for Chris because she knew he loved it. She picked up a vegan deluxe for herself as it was something she could share, and it was something they could all eat if they wanted. If she made sure that Ricky’s pizza was the extra spicy version, then that was for her to know after Chris chilli story last night, maybe she was looking forward to seeing his face while he was eating it. The first bite wasn’t that bad, she knew that much, it was as you continued to eat it, that was when the heat really hit, but all the same, that was how she turned up, pizza, garlic bread, drinks.. Dinner all ready.

Almost as soon as she rang the bell the door swung open and Chris was right there, just like last time, so it made her curious what was happening. He looked, well, she wasn’t sure if he was just nervous, excited, what was that look in his eyes as he seemed to want to vibrate out of his skin? Between Chris and Rick, who seemed to pop out of nowhere the next second to usher her into the house, both of them taking the small stack of pizza and food from her arms as they brought her in. There was a strange energy vibrating as she looked between the two of them right then, a tingle running down her spine as they ushered her into the house.

It was starting to get to be a familiar feeling, sitting around the couches together, talking. Only this time, Ricky felt different. Instead of wound up and tense as a coil as he had been the last few times, he had hope. After all the mistakes, the missteps he’d been making with Talia, after how horribly he’d treated her, he knew he needed to make it up to her. Ricky had hope. He felt a bit more relaxed. That wasn’t to say he wasn’t sitting there, a little wound up, but tonight, at least, it was for a different reason. 

So as they were eating dinner, Rick let Chris take the reins for explaining everything with Micah. He started going over everything with the message board, and the freaky first phone call, then the weird spy craft moment that Rick had,

“Are you going to get to the point of the story any time soon, Chris?”

Ricky chuckled as he asked after he swallowed a bite of his pizza, glancing at Talia, the spicy sauce dancing on his tongue as he did. He knew what she’d done with his pizza, the smirk on her lips told the story what she was waiting for, he wasn’t going to give it to her. This was nothing compared to Chris’ chilli, nothing. Cheeky, though, very cheeky. He did wink to her though, he’d give her this one.

“If you want to take over, Ricky, be my guest.”

Smirking, as his attention returned to Chris.

“No, go ahead, he’ll get to the important part eventually, Sweetheart, I swear.”

Taking another bite of his pizza, it actually wasn’t bad. He was going to have to ask Talia later if it was a specific change she made to the order, or just a different pizza she’d bought to the ones he’d usually go with. After, of course, no doubt getting ribbed about admitting to enjoying it, he knew that was coming if he asked her at all. Maybe he could find a way around that, who could say. 

Finally, Chris got to the part about Micah explaining to them about the dangers about the testing with the other scientists. Ricky was done with his pizza by this point, even if he hadn’t been, he’d have dropped it to focus on Talia. He was worried how she might take this part, she had enough trouble with doctors, he didn’t want her to have to agonise over what might happen to her, to any of them.

“Sweetheart, don’t you worry for one second that we’re going to let anything happen, we’ve already talked it out. Chris has already deleted his contacts on the message boards, Micah himself pointed out that he should cut off all contact with the research departments, including himself.”

When Talia looked over to him the moment Ricky spoke, he knew she needed the assurances, even though he could see how strong she was trying to be. He couldn’t even imagine the thoughts going through her head right now, and if he was honest, he didn’t really want to.

“The only contact to anyone, in any way, is this burner phone number. Admittedly, to Micah, but it is only this burner phone, nothing else.”

Chris held up the phone Micah had called them on earlier.

“Micah has emphasised he will only call if he finds out someone else in the department has my name, or my contact info somehow. They should never have it though, JellyBean, I assure you. I did everything anonymously. Micah is literally the only person that knew anything about me personally, and yesterday was the very first time he spoke to a single soul other than me.”

Ricky watched as Chris reached for her hand, he wanted to reach for her too, but he remembered the night before. Even then, all it took was the slightest brush between them and for the flare of sensation linking their tattoos to burst through and overcome them, even with Chris in the kitchen. Not to mention trying to sleep last night, all he could think about was watching them both eat those damn strawberries. He honestly didn’t know if they had been the worst, or best, idea ever. Still, he’d gotten a dessert made in the end, so neither of them had been able to say a single thing, he’d met Talia’s challenge, hands down.

“So,”

Talia looked towards them both as she spoke softly,

“What it comes down to is that we now all have two soulmates, and we can’t tell anyone?”

“At least no one we don’t trust with our lives. Essentially.”

Some might say that was a bit much when Ricky said it like that, but he didn’t see it that way. While yes, if the wrong person heard about this, it could go sideways really fast, and none of them was going to stand for that. He knew all of them had very tight-knit circles, though. Talia because of the painful past that she had, and for Chris and Ricky, their professional work, and their unfortunate history with stalkers, it came with the territory. 

“Where do you two think we should go from here?”

Talia’s voice was quiet, glancing between them both nervously, and Ricky had a feeling he knew exactly what the problem was. He had made his stance clear on soulmates before, well, after Grace, crystal clear. He didn’t want one, not with Talia, and even when Chris started showing signs, he obviously pushed him towards her instead.

Here, this was why he was a little wound up this time, not because he was having to keep his distance from Talia, and Chris, with the tattoos, but because of what he planned to say.

“Well, we go on a date.”

Soon as he said it though, he felt both pairs of eyes looking at him, Talia and Chris both turning to him, and he raised an eyebrow at him as Chris voiced what they were obviously thinking,

“Who are you talking to, Rick?”

Smiling, really, they were really asking him that, he just gave them a look, wasn’t it obvious?

“Both of you, idiots.”

Dividers by @saradika-graphics

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen, i just followed you and this is really random but ive seen some of your posts helping younger people and it really struck a cord and i need to just let the words fall out of me.

ive been having issues with my girlfriend she cheated on me but this situation is very complicated and we're both fucked up people but i know she still loves me and i really love her. but my anxiety and our lack of communication is really bad right now and im so worried she might not love me the same anymore

ontop of this im 18 and for the past id say 5ish years my mental health and family life has been getting worse, getting diagnosis is hard especially with mentally ill and just overall bad parents that somehow dont understand or believe. i know im deppresed and have been i have anxiety, sever paranoia maybe bpd and bipolar and autism and everything is just so much. now the one person i had is something thats making everything hurt more and i just don't know where to go, im trying to get help but its so slow in this country and i feel so lost and tired i barely eat now and when i do its ether rare or unhealthy and everything is so much i want to collapse.

i hope this isn't to much to randomly send anonymously but you just seem really kind and helpful. thank u for your reply if you do

HI and please accept my apologies for the delay on answering this. I am sorry you are going through so much. My kids are adopted from foster care and I had many kids in my home for up to 5 years who eventually went back home. That is to say I have a lot of experience with mental illness, the systems that treat them, trauma and kids who came from unstable home lives.

At the ripe old age of 18 you have plenty of time to find love and contentment but right now might not be the time. I understand there might be odd circumstances that caused your girlfriend to cheat on you. If you feel betrayed and lost trust that is a feeling that is next to impossible to overcome for people with no comorbidities let alone a teen trying to figure herself out and deal with navigating the broken mental health/care system.

It is actually quite normal for young love to change and get redefined into friendship even when the circumstance are the best. Her cheating on you might very well be a sign that your relationship is in flux and not what you thought it was. A romance that has run its course is not a failure, relationships do not have to last forever to be important and real and worth having had.

It might be scary to think of not being with her, of not having your "one" person that you can count on but I do believe you can get farther working on yourself if you put time and energy into you and not dividing it up between you and her.

There is a lot of precedent set for women to set aside their romance and intimacy in order to be just friends while one or both does some work on herself. Sometimes it is necessary to stay involved for emotional support or financial support, that is just the reality of our world. Living single can be very difficult.

Please consider letting go of the relationship in its current form and putting your energy of yourself. Letting go of the stress of trying to repair what you had with her will remove so much pressure from you and from her that you will feel much more ready to tackle your mental state.

I promise. You are not a failure, she is not "the bad guy" in this story. Take all the wonderful things you shared with her keep those with you when you want a reminder that it loving her was worth your time even if it didn't end like you planned.

Seek mental health help but starting small. A therapist can help you begin to talk through things and often she can help you find additional resources like a medical Dr, public subsidies for insurance or free clinics to assist you in getting medication and mental health support. Most counties have a social services office and those employees are a wealth of information.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi there, mind if I bother you for a advice when you're free?

I'm a Brazilian girl with 14(read all your boundaries for minors and I'm trying to follow reach of them) and basically my life turned upside down for me a bit after the start of 2023(I think?)

My mom fell in a trap on the internet and lost a lot of money from our family, from both close and not so close relatives. Sometime later my dad got fired and we had to cut many things out of our lives because we didn't had the money to keep these things anymore, and my grandparents from my mom's side are not so well (grandpa's has breathing problems and is going blind while grandma's starting to forget things)

And we just discovered that I am autistic (and already knew I had ADHD since 2022) so everyone's trying to adjust to somethings I simply can't deal with, along with trying to deal with the fact my older sister ran away after many arguments about her mental health struggles and abusive relationship and that if my parents try and reach out by me and my little sister she going to cut contact completely (we know where she is and that she's currently ok btw)

My mom already has a lot of problems with her mental and physical health, my little sister has anxiety and still doesn't goes to therapy, my dad has quite harsh anger issues although he mostly keeps them at bay.

And then we have me, the autistic ADHD teenager struggling with school who's about to go to college (I think? Don't know about American/British system works) and really, really, really wants to go to her graduation trip that costs a lot while not knowing how to deal with her emotions and is in the constant shadow of her older sister, all of that while knowing one of her old friends who she had considered a sibling once has been spreading lies and saying their much better without her and apparently is trying to break her friendship with her current best friend (if it is true it's working).

And now I don't know what do I do to put my life back on the tracks.

Feel free to not answer or just ignore this if you want, but thanks for the opportunity of letting me vent. And I'm sorry if there are any mistakes on my English

Hi hon <3

No worries about English at all <3

Honestly, I think you need to focus on the things YOU can change. Unfortunately, you might not be able to change things with your parents, or your sister, or your financial situation. Those are things for adults to worry about. I don't mean that it a way to make you seem like a 'stupid kid' I mean, let them worry about it. You still have time to be a kid- I know it's hard, but try to take advantage of it.

As far as school and friends, these are things we can focus on. Talk with your teachers about what work on in school and what THEY can do to help you. Talk with your best friend about your worries. I know life is scary right now, but focus on those things that you can make changes about. Also maybe if your school has a counselor, talk to them as well? Especially since you have autism, your school should be giving you resources to succeed.

I know this is alll difficult, but take some deep breaths and know that it will be okay and I'm here for you to vent <3

Naming you yarn anon

[astroenchanter]

As was promised, it's Eva time.

Starting off broadly, with Artemy and Daniil being narrative foils, two halves of a whole one might say, I think it's fair to assume they would have similar narrative beats. With Artemy's big heart wrenching girl event being self sacrificing for Murky, and with Daniil being, lets just say... not a nice man, I think that's going to result in the event making the player even more like garbage. I have 2 main ideas for what could happen, first one is simpler, and I came up with it before the new teaser and leak so I'll discuss it first. Based mostly on the time travel aspects and systemic focus, I think that with cleaver sequencing and being distracted with quests, IPL could make us think Eva survives into the late game. Then doing a time travel back to do a seemingly net positive systemic action that results in her death and it's going to have to be a "Good ending" OR Eva, but not both situation. With the "You can't save everyone" motif, Artemy can't save Aglaya without betraying the town, I don't think Daniil could save Eva without betraying something VERY important to him.

Now this 2nd one is where the gameplay crackpot shit begins. The screenshot of Daniil's gay little People Journal gives SO much to work with. This'll take a minute to get to Eva so hang on for a sec. First, it has "previous day" "next day" and "all files" With the time travel elements I assume this implies you're filling in people's profiles throughout different pockets in time. Second, day 8 has a ping / update or some sort on Peter. And since it's 00:15 it's likely a condition that develops strike of midnight day 8 (or whatever the time travel equivalent is). Now, P2 has had a habit of rearranging, scrapping and remaking quests out of whole cloth, but keeping narrative threads and fleshing them out. The only thing in that time frame with Peter is likely to be the drama that happens with Maria and Aglaia. Peter was notably was in a bad state during the events of that scuffle, I think that it's possible Peter's "diagnosis" in that notebook, would be one of the mental variety, ie, depression with "Harmful Habits ... Alcohol abuse..." like what was shown in the screenshot. With that update it could result in Daniil doing some sort of "mental health checkup" on his friends. Where he treats them in his harsh and clinical way where he goes through a similar process of diagnosis to figure out what's wrong and how to proceed. The thing is, pathologic loves to put you mental state where you're fighting and you're so focused on people being shitty and horrible and the fighting systemic shit and the plague, and then when you're fully immersed in that mindset it pile drives you with the most painfully human thing you've ever seen. If they do that mental diagnosis, I think Daniil won't see the signs in Eva. Like yeah Peter is a depressed wreck, but everyone can see it. But the whole point of the classic plot with her was that you couldn't really understand what she was saying or going though until it was too late.

It could be both of these, or neither of course. I just figure I could get some hopeful predictions out, there since I know there's a lot of people worried the Bachelor route.

I also think the "Diagnosis" of all the main characters could be good characterization of Daniil, where he views everyone through that medical lens, maybe even noticing small details about people like Artemy's leg injury from his train fight.

[11queensupreme11]

Lol that wasn't me but I will let you know when I post on AO3 and credit you. I have a bad habit of jumping around a lot in my writing so it might be a while. Here is a bit from much later that might have to be cut. It features 8 year old Percy and children's fantastic ability to remember complex terms and apply them in the funniest ways possible:

"Percy stared at the man before her. He looked young, with a face she believed would make any of the old ladies from the apartments coo if they saw him. However, pinchable cheeks were probably not a judged criteria when taking the exams to become a doctor. The lady at the department of health office had said that "Medicaid does not cover elective work" and Percy was not even sure they had insurance now that they lived outside the US. Medical debt was a serious issue and would probably spawn paperwork more difficult for Mom to handle than any monster or weird relative. Smiling politely, she said “So are you a pediatrician? What program did you graduate from? Where was your residency and how many years have you been practicing for?”

The man's face was now frozen and Percy decided to press onward continuing “What insurance providers do you accept? I was on Medicaid previously but that won’t apply anymore with the move so you will have to get the new information from my mother. Along with my medical history which would be needed to provide appropriate care.” Pausing and tilting her head racking her brain for more terms she had heard at the real pediatrician’s office, she continued “You did talk to him right? 'Any medical care that is not immediately lifesaving given to minors requires consent from a parent or guardian recognized by the state.' Given my father is not on my birth certificate and has not signed and acknowledgment of paternity his word will not count. If you treat me without mother’s permission billing will be the least of your worries, the medical boards and courts don’t mess around when it comes to unnecessary medical work done on children without parental consent” she finished watching the man’s eyes widen a little more in shock.

However instead of the stuttered backtrack she was expecting, instead Mr. Beelzebub burst into a low and somewhat menacing laugh. With a smile, he said, “To answer your questions, I am not a pediatrician of any kind, I am a researcher specializing in the… hm… how to put it, most unusual of cases, and probably the only god in the three realms capable of treating someone like you.”

“So, you don’t actually know anything,” Percy said folding her arms and feeling rather put out. “And you have no previous experience working with children.” Honestly, she was really starting to wonder what went on in the heads of her father’s family. With a sigh she continued “Uncle Hades, this man is not a real doctor, he sounds like a scammer.”

Normally she tried not to be that blunt (after all mom always said stuff like “discretion was the better part of valor” and all the like) but this was really starting to test her patience. “It is common sense that any strange man offering you free medical treatment in his basement is definitely up to no go. Haven’t you heard of stranger danger? ‘Only trust adults whose credibility can be verified by another safe and trusted adult like your parents’.” She recited while turning to her uncle hoping to see a light of understanding appear in the man’s eyes. Honestly, why did she have to be the adult in this situation? Had these people never seen public television?

Instead, both men broke out into uproarious laughter and Percy considered what the consequences of pelting them both with ice would be. Perhaps if she froze their brains, it would fix whatever mental deficiency they were currently experiencing. Maybe some kind of brain worm?"

OH IT WASNT YOU???? oops 😭😭😭 ok thank you for clarifying then!

ALSO EIGHT YEAR OLD PERCY IS SO PRECIOUS???? and is loki a better mom than og!sally or did he just send percy to a good school cuz she sounds a lot smarter than her 12-16 year old canon self 😭😭😭😭

BUT BEEEEEEELLLLL IS HERE 😍😍😍

im ngl, after i realized beel was in the scenario, i blanked out and just focused on him LMAO. i'm sorry i just love him so much 😭😭😭

i can't wait till you post, ur writing is sooooo 😩👍

[hollywoodxwhore]

Ours - Epilogue

Synopsis: Presley and Colson fell in love accidentally, but they were meant to be. Now that all the obstacles have been removed, they're moving in together in LA. Now, they have all the time in the world for Colson to teach Presley all of the things he knows. This fic is the sequel to Mine, which can be found in my masterlist!

Warnings/Content: mentions of mental illness (PTSD, anxiety), mentions of therapy, short & sweet with fluff

I can't believe I'm wrapping up the second part of this story. It's wild to me how much y'all loved this and even more wild that I've decided to write a third part! You might be able to guess the title after reading the epilogue. Thank you all so very much for your support!

Colson

Three Months Later 

Presley received a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD.

I should’ve seen it coming. All the signs were there. At least now we have a name for what’s happening, as well as a treatment plan. 

Couples therapy once a week. Individual cognitive behavior therapy twice a week. Medication for panic attacks as needed as well as a daily anxiety pill. I find myself feeling very thankful for our financial situation. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to get help for people who don’t make much money. That’s why there's such a mental health crisis in our country. As mad as it makes me, I’m relieved that I can provide support for my wife.

At our first couples therapy session, we both cried. A lot. Presley admitted that she blames herself for the choice I almost made. She can’t let go of the fact that if Cash hadn’t shown up, I would’ve gone through with it. The therapist told her that if we always live in a world of what-ifs, then we can never live in the present. It’s something we’ve been working on ever since.

We’re closer than ever after what happened. We’re so good at talking things out and taking care of each other. We’re at the point where I can leave the house without Pres if I need to as long as I give her a heads up. It’s not like she’s “healed” yet. Healing is a long process but I’m confident we can get there.

The boys and I are going on tour finally. We delayed it because of everything that happened, but when we finally put tickets on sale, everything sold out fast. Somehow, the whole Megan situation brought us more fans. I’m not complaining. We’ve even added a couple of dates at bigger places and those are almost sold out, too. It’s crazy and surreal and I’m so proud of us.

Presley is going to come on tour with us, and this time, she’ll be around for the whole tour. I loved touring with Pres. I loved coming backstage to find her there, to catch her in my arms. It means so much to look out and see her smiling back at me, singing all my songs. It fills my heart with so much love that I don’t even know what to do with it. 

We leave tomorrow. I’ve been packing all day and Presley is due home any time. She went out for lunch with Olivia. Once a week, she’s encouraged to leave the house without me. She’s been following the plan religiously and doing such a good job, but I do miss her. I can’t wait to see her, to hold her. I can’t wait to have her on tour with me. 

Just as I zip up my suitcase, I hear the front door open and I smile, eager to see my girl. I rush out of my room and jog down the stairs, but I stop in my tracks when I see my wife. Something is off. 

She stands stiffly in the doorway holding an envelope with something inside of it. My brow furrows as I glance at the envelope and then up at her face. She looks worried but also…happy? Her eyes are especially bright today. 

“Pres?” I question, walking closer. I place my hands on her waist. 

“Hey, babe,” she says quietly. Her voice shakes a little.

I frown at her. “What’s wrong?”

“I…um…” She bites her lip and then hands me the envelope. “Just open it.”

Confused, I take a step back from her so I have room to reach into the envelope. My brow furrows when I pull out…a Covid test? “Shit, baby,” I say, stomach dropping. “You have Covid?”

She shakes her head, face screwing up in confusion. “What? What are you talking about?” 

“This is a positive Covid te–” I stop in my tracks when I realize what a fucking dumbass I am. I look at the test again, my eyes going so huge it must look comical. This is not a Covid test. No, it’s got a pink cap and a screen with a plus sign. I lift my eyes to Presley, my own dangerously close to shedding tears. “Presley…” I breathe.

Presley lets out a little laugh as her own eyes fill with tears. “Yeah.”

“Is this…this is real?” I ask, bouncing on my toes. “Are you sure?”

Presley giggles and the tears finally spill down her cheeks. “This is one of three tests I took. All positive,” she says. She takes it from my hand and sets it on a little table by our front door. Then, her jade eyes find mine again. “Colson,” she says, then takes a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

Time stands still. My heart suddenly feels too big for my chest, like it’s going to explode out of me. My palms tingle and elation builds in my stomach. “R-really?” I ask quietly. 

Presley nods, lip quivering, but she smiles. “We’re having a baby, Colson. You’re going to be a dad.”

It’s those words that finally break me out of my trance. I lunge forward and heave my girl into my arms. She shrieks as I lift her up, her legs surrounding my waist. I laugh and kiss her hard, rocking her in my arms. My tears spill out, too. A baby. I’m going to be a dad. We’re going to be parents.

“I know we’re going on tour and it’s not the best time,” she says breathlessly against my lips.

I shake my head. “It’s the perfect time,” I say, because I don’t care what’s happening in our lives. We’re having a baby. I laugh again and kiss her lips, holding the back of her head while my other arm holds her up. 

“So you’re happy?” she asks.

“God, Pres,” I laugh. “I’m fucking ecstatic. This is the best day of my life!”

Presley laughs tearfully and nods. “Mine, too.”

“I love you,” I say, kissing her again. “So much.” When I pull back from the kiss, I glance down between us. I set Presley on her feet and sink to my knees. My hands go to her belly, still flat and toned, but soon enough, it’ll be perfectly round, carrying our child. I smile to myself and press a kiss to her belly. Presley runs her hands through my hair and looks at me lovingly.

I take a shaky breath and look at her stomach. “Little bean,” I say softly, “this world is yours.”

Taglist: @triplexdoublex@jaxbreaker@mgklove99xx@jinx-on-mars-19xx@iamnotanearthlingmotherfucker@anonymousme86@whiteleoqueen@feroniakutenpuu@hxllywoodwhxree

[cecekeating]

My 612 Jordayla Analysis/Commentary and Breakdowns pt 1

OMG!! My Jordayla bears are getting married!! I almost can’t believe it! Today’s breakdown is gonna be long! I hope you are seated and ready because we are gonna be doing a deep dive into some parts of the episodes that I feel needed some extra explanation.

We start off the episode with Jordayla practicing their wedding dance. They were so cute and this scene screamed YOUNG LOVE!! From Jordan and Layla being in super casual outfits to their banter while dancing and Jordan being a complete goofball with his dance idea. Episodes 606-610 had us seeing a very mature, stable Jordan as he led and helped Layla navigate her mental health journey. I am so glad the writers put us back on regular programming to remind us that Jordan is still the unserious, lovable goofball that he is.  We even had Jordan at the beginning of the dance take a sniff of Layla’s hair or was that a kiss on her head? All through that scene, you could just see a super young couple in love with each other. Can we also talk about that dip? Because I know I am not the only one that saw and felt the sexual tension there. Layla and Jordan looking deep into each other’s soul like their life depends on it! If this is a teaser of the actual wedding dance, I fear I might not survive when this wedding airs. If you want to fully appreciate that scene, I urge you to study the gifs that @supagirl_86 shared on Twitter. You won’t regret it. 

While dancing, we find out Olivia is now Layla’s maid of honor and this means Jordan will need to pick a best man within two days - a task Jordan finds conflicting. By the way, Jordan was so unserious for that comment about Layla not having any other friends. I guess it was payback for the coach Mac boyfriend jokes in episode 608.

So we see Jordan try to talk to Spencer about the whole bestman situation. This conversation then brings up the fact that Jordan and Layla have not fully discussed where they would live after marriage. It also makes Jordan realize that he has not fully thought about what happens after they get married. What will their future look like? You can see Jordan sort of panic here and although Spencer tries to assure him, it doesn’t do much to ease his worries.

As if it was planned, the next time we see Jordan in conversation with another male character, it is with Asher. They talk about work and again, this conversation brings to light the fact that Jordan and Layla have not discussed whether they want children. Something that really struck me was Jordan mentioning that Layla is an only child and she had a tough parental situation. This means Jordan has a full understanding and picture of Layla’s childhood and how it affected her. I want you to have this at the back of your mind because I will be expanding on this further in the write up. Jordan panics again because now he is not sure if Layla wants children. He wants to be a father but he doesn’t know if Layla is on the same page with him. 

I want us to pause here because when this came on my screen at first I was like “huh?”. How on earth will the writing tell us that Layla and Jordan have not communicated about being parents or wanting to live together? I thought about this for a while and I have concluded that there are two parts to this arc for Jordayla. 

The first part is the writing wanting the decision about having children and living together to be on screen with the audience being privy to Layla’s POV. It is super realistic that this came up at this time because the wedding got pushed up within a month. This means that there was so much that they never got to talk about and handle because they had to put finishing touches to the wedding plans. I think the biggest reason why Jordayla did not also have this conversation is due to what they went through this season. Everybody and their mama knows that Jordan and Layla went through it with her mental health and the recovery process. Layla was not in the right headspace at all to discuss living arrangements or even having children. All through this mental health journey, Jordan was laser focused on Layla being her best mentally and emotionally. There was no time to discuss housing plans or even parenting. Don’t forget that Jordan wanting them to look to the future and eventually move in together was actually one of the causes of her triggers and eventual decision to wean off her medications. We all know how that went. 

It totally makes sense that Jordan and Layla have not had a full blown discussion about where to live and whether they want children when you consider what they had to deal with as Layla struggled with her mental health. 

Now let us go to the cabin episode in 606. I know a lot of the citizens of Jordayla nation brought up this episode to push back at the writing for Jordayla in this episode. This cabin episode was used to plant the seeds on two key issues that Jordayla will handle before marriage - home and children.  In the scene where they are talking about their top three priorities, can you remember the look Layla shared with Jordan when Catience spoke about buying their own home? I remember watching that scene and predicting that Jordayla had either discussed their housing situation OR Jordan/Layla had made plans about getting a home. That part of the scene was sort of a foreshadowing that the living situation will be discussed in future. Remember that this happened after the whole back and forth with Jordan wanting Layla to move in with him.

In that same scene, we had Jordan share his top three priorities. When he said he wanted to marry Layla, we saw Layla’s reaction. She gave a huge smile indicating that she was on the same page with him. When he spoke about starting a family however, we didn’t see Layla’s reaction. That scene established that Jordan wanted a family and what the writing wanted to do by not showing Layla’s reaction was to have the audience wondering if that was what Layla wanted as well. We saw her reaction to wanting to get married, why didn’t we see her reaction to starting a family? This however flew over our heads because it was already canon in episode 406 that Layla wanted to be a mom. So there was nothing for us as the audience to guess or wonder about as we already knew she wanted to be a mom one day. 

In a way, episode 606 was written to have the audience ask the questions: would Jordan and Layla get their own place after marriage and does Layla want to start a family with Jordan? Episode 612 answered those questions and sort of brought it full circle. It is also not lost on me that this episode that dropped clues on Jordayla and their future was the same episode where Layla mentioned that her number one priority was marrying Jordan and they should set a date for the wedding. They were on course to plan the future until the incident with the vandalism set them back. 

I continue in part two.

[ink-fireplace-coffee]

Character Introduction: Orion

Name: Orion

Age: 24

Pronouns: he/him

Location: New Moon

Occupation: Agent

WIP: Ecliptic Mirrors

Diary Excerpt: (under the cut)

Gio says that I should write a diary as well as the Reports of Information, that it will be good for me. As if Gio knows something of mental health or the like. As if I were to be at risk of blowing my brains off.

I don’t have time to shoot myself anyway. Grim thought to start a diary huh. But it’s true. I don’t have time to do anything but locate, chase and eliminate 1807. Mom says I think so much of her that I might be falling in love as if I could feel anything but hate and despise towards 1807. I don’t even see her as a person. She is not a woman, she is a rebel who is working to bring everything we’ve ever known down for her selfish purposes.

And I will not stand by and let her if I can do something about it. This place is my home and is not even about being a hero like Gio or Mom or anyone else says.

Someone approached me on the street the other day. I’ve started bringing attention to myself since I was raised as Agent and had to go to that senseless event so everyone could see my face. This person even knew my name and they were close enough to my apartment to make me think they might have been looking into records to know where I live. It is not precisely private information, everyone needs to know everyone in here to make sure one is safe, but the situation put me on edge.

Were 1807 in the System, or had she access to it, she would be able to know as well. And the thought is as ridiculously tempting as it’s worrying (maybe you DO need to write this stupid digi-diary to not go crazy, Ori). If she were to find me instead of I her, I could be done with all of this. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t think without thinking of what 1807 might be doing as I try to live a normal life. What she eats, where she sleeps, if she knows I’m behind her. If she feels the thrill of the chase and expects just like I do the moment where is she and I, and only one of us comes out of it. She doesn’t want to kill me, I think she doesn’t. She could’ve done so and she has not, so she doesn’t.

But I do.

Her face, her name, her existence is a menace against everything I hold dear to my heart, and I will not hesitate to pull the damned trigger this time. Either she takes me out, or I end her life wherever and whenever that is and the world deals with the consequences of it.

Gio would definitely send me to the Psych Office if he were to see all of this. Rage control or something he told me the other day. Something about giving me a ton of shit to break freely for my birthday, although I think he just wants to get rid of the awful furniture his ex left him when he moved out. I don’t need rage control classes. I don’t.

I am perfectly calm collected and focused on what I have to do. Everything else is just secondary. 1807 is the only thing that matters now.

---

Ecliptic Mirrors taglist (ask to be added or removed!): @rose-bookblood

[little-cereal-draws]

Nimona and mental health headcanons

Obviously Nimona struggles with her mental health. 1000 years of living as a ghost and hearing constant hate about you will do that. I think her shifting responds to how she's feeling and not always in the best ways

I think she'll involuntarily get stuck in her little girl form when she's feeling too overwhelmed. She feels so small and helpless, so her appearance is going to reflect that. It only happens after the buildup of stress and bad feelings finally get the better of her. She tries to not let it get to that point but it doesn't always work. She's shifted after nightmares, one too many monster movies, and when they found quite a few very disturbing documents in the Director's office after the wall came down. The worst time was when they made the mistake of walking by a pro-Institute rally after running some errands. Bal was disgusted and was trying to shoulder his way past them and didn't even notice Nimona was missing. He got a whole block away before he realized she wasn't behind him. He looked around and then started retracing his steps with growing fear, calling her name, and frantically looking for any hiding pink animals. He was growing frantic when he finally glanced down an alley while running past it and caught a glimpse of pink hair. She was crying behind a pile of garbage and flinched when he came up to her. He tried to talk to her but she just shook her head and sobbed harder. She clung so tightly to his shirt as he caried her home. The best thing to do in these situations is to get her away from the problem. From there sometimes she'll want to talk, sometimes she'll want to be left alone, but she'll always feel better eventually. Bal hates when this happens because it means she was already feeling bad before she got tipped over the edge and he didn't know

She'll also turn into small animals when it's more of a sudden onset. Most of the time this is caused by sadness, regret, and guilt. She'll turn into a mouse or a fly or anything else small and unnoticeable. Thankfully, this has only happened in the house so far and Balister fears the day it happens elsewhere. She hides for hours in a small hole or corner, something way too small for Ballister to notice, and feels bad. A few times, she saw him walk by calling for her with increasing worry, but she never moves or makes a sound. She's invisible and she wants to stay that way. She'll come back when she feels better

When she's really angry, she gets infinitely stronger even if she doesn't look like it. This is caused by watching too many bigoted people on the news, frustration at how slowly the kingdom is changing, and Ballister making a few innocent remarks that open the floodgates for a lot of misdirected anger. Her appearance might not change but it's obvious her powers are being used because she's put her cup down on the table too hard and split the table in half, slammed a door so hard it came off its hinges, and crushed the handle to the fridge. If her appearance does change, it can be pretty scary. Her fangs get bigger, sometimes her eyes glow, she'll get physically bigger or have her arm muscles expand. It's easy to tell when she's angry though, she has no problem with letting people know. She'll yell, start arguments, and do and say every offensive thing she can think of. Bal has learned to just give her space to cool off when she gets like this; usually it's only a couple hours but sometimes a few days. He made the mistake of trying to comfort her a few times at the beginning of their relationship but that just made her angrier. He tried to push it down and trust her but there were a few moments where he was scared for his life. He always chides himself and tries to correct his thinking after all she does is scream at him and storm out but she was very intimidating

(tw self harm and suicide) It's canon that Nimona struggles with suicidal thinking but I think she would struggle with self harm too. It's only been very rarely that she'll make the conscious decision to hurt herself and it hasn't happened since the wall came down. What happens now is more of an accident/subconscious thing. She'll be lost in thought, replaying bad memories, completely drowning in thought. Sitting in alone in her room, half gasping for air, absently scratching at her arm. Slowly, as her thoughts get darker and loop into each other, her nails get longer and longer. Soon she's got claws and her arm is burning. She looks down and the bright red blood shocks her out of her thought loop. She shifts it away and it's like nothing happened but she still goes and splashes some cold water on her face and arm. If Ballister ever found out (I'm on the fence abt if he would), he would be so concerned and watching everything she does with an eagle eye. Eventually he would calm down a bit but after every time she does one of the other things in this post, he would be watching her out of the corner of his eye. She might say she's ok now and be able to shift any harm away so he wouldn't know but he's still going to worry

[tacticalhimbo]

20-25 for the edgy oc asks— for phoebe and franklin cs OH my god?? love

[ ask meme ]

OOUHGHHH this is gonna be fun to answer as an otp thing for them!

i haven't written anything really for franklin himself, but my partner roleplays him and i love xyr portrayal of him so will be pulling from that (which, fun fact, is kinda where the idea of them as an oc/canon ship started from... but i love it sm i decided to separate it from just rp and make it a standalone thing teehee)

but anyway! below the cut bc i rambled about them... oops ^-^;

20. Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest?

phoebe does, and i think for her a lot of it stems from the fact attachment to others in general is a sensitive topic. she lost her parents, her brother jumped ship (and she has gotten over that, they're on good terms and she understands why he left los santos with his wife), and she really just. has nobody. so she does get worried when the few people she does genuinely attach herself to seemingly show signs of pulling back. it manifests as her withdrawing and becoming defensive of herself (expecting that withdraw and thus pushing the other party away).

franklin also seems like he does, and it's understandable in his case too. he's lost a lot of folk in his life, and those who are around are so stuck in a specific mindset that he feels ostracized for questioning it/trying to do something different with himself. ironically, they kind of deal with it in the same way. he gets upset and defensive, and he'll withdraw from the situation/the person(s) involved.

when it comes to their relationship, it does create tension and strain. understandably so. but a little time apart to cool off is often enough for them to wander back and talk things through.

21. Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

phoebe has no physical illnesses, but she definitely has underlying mental health concerns due to discovering her parents after a break-in gone wrong. she tends to handle it by putting herself into adverse situations as one, they give her a chance to prove others (and namely, herself) wrong about a perceived lack of ability and two, they serve as a distraction. can't think about how shit you feel when you're being shot at!

as for franklin, i imagine they're pretty similar in that regard. he's seen a lot of things go on (and often, go wrong), that it's gotta weigh on him. it does weigh on him. we see that a lot in his dialogs with the other characters (and to himself). i don't remember if it's explicit or implied canon, but he has depression of some sort. as for handling it/coping with it, he does try to distance himself from things at times. but his conscience always gets the better of him, especially where people he cares about are involved (re: his shenanigans with lamar), and he gets roped back into things.

22. What character alignment would you consider your OC to be?

honestly they both have chaotic good energy.

phoebe i know for a fact is! she's not afraid to call bullshit as she sees it, and will often go against the societal norm to make things right (laws and regulations be damned)

franklin on the other hand, does fit that vibe but he's also less? energetic about it. i mean, he is depressed, so i don't blame him for that. but at the end of the day, he just wants things to be right. he could arguably also fit into true neutral territory, but i don't feel like he's really the "it is what it is" type.

23. What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

easy answer for both of them: vulnerability. a lot of it is kinda repeat from the jealousy question, but genuinely?

it is so hard for them both to process anything that puts them at a perceived disadvantage socially. they've been through it. they've lost a lot. they don't want to appear 'weak' because it only further ostracizes them from the crowds they find themselves in.

24. What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

i feel like, in an alternate life, phoebe either would have become some sort of influence or done work with animals. her sense of style is so bold and specific, and she does love engaging with new trends and keeping atop of that. of course, that's also expensive, and it likely would have become a side thing to working with animals. she never had pets until patches (her neighbors' boxer that she adopted out from them), but after taking care of him? yeah. she could see herself doing that on a larger scale/long-term. it's actually a back-burner kind of headcanon i have for her that, between heists, she does volunteer at the los santos county animal shelter. her life would have been very different; a lot more stable, frankly.

with franklin, we do get to see a look into an alternate life through the online lore re: him becoming the owner of a celebrity solutions agency (though his work is… very similar to the work he did with michael and trevor; just he's not on the ground as much and it's a lot more planned out/clean). that said, if he truly were to have an alternative life path, i feel like it would have been something with automotive work. as sleazy as simeon's business is, franklin seemed like he genuinely enjoyed working with the cars and prepping them for purchase/showcase! if he never got involved with michael and the boys(tm), his life would have been so much different.

25. What is your favorite thing about your OC?

oh man…

my favorite thing about phoebe, besides her sense of style, is just how down-to-earth she is at the end of the day. like. she really is just some person when the job is said and done. most of the stuff i've written for her privately/through rp aren't even like… heist related. it's just her being within the boundaries of los santos and existing. she's met ramón (other oc) and chatted with him. she's done gun-for-hire work for laverne (oc), and subsequently sat and had lunch with her by the pier. her, candy, and faye (ocs) are best fucking friends. they always have girls nights out together at the vanilla unicorn and to the pier and up to blaine county to fuck around in the desert.

and my favorite thing about franklin is just how much he actually cares about people. he tries to hide it, but we can see time and time again that he genuinely wants what's best/safest for everyone. like. his relationship with lamar?? and the way he interacts with imani (gta online npc; daughter of one of his longer-term friends, pearlie)??? obsessed. he's so fucking… good. he's a good man. and he deserves the world.

then, as a bonus, my favorite thing about them/their relationship is how much they balance each other out. how they've become a safe space for one another, where (even if their psyches get the best of them) they can be vulnerable and wholly trusting about themselves, their thoughts, and their emotions. they fuck around and get into trouble, sure, and they have a lot of fun doing it...

but at the end of the day, their favorite thing to do is just exist together. turn on whatever shitty movie re-run is playing on the television, cuddle up on the couch, and just. exist. and i just think that's neat.