#more on top of my game. i’m gonna give myself the benefit since i’m tired as fuck. i added in another cube but idk the flavor maybe beef

[merevide]

why am i making pasta and already fucking up on step one bro fuck my gay ass life

[inkandpen22]

California Dreamin’ (2/?)

Pairing: Topper x Female!Reader

Word Count: 1k

Warnings: underage drinking, mild violence, drug use 

Part Summary: Y/N and Topper have lunch together and later attend the Cameron’s party. 

Masterlist

Y/N

After surfing for most of the morning, I've grown tired. The waves here are so different than in Malibu. I run out of the water onto the sand, tossing my hair to the side. I hadn't noticed Topper on the beach in the middle of a morning run until I return to my belongings. He slows to a stop once he reaches my stuff. 

"Morning," I greet with a warm smile. 

"I could see you down the beach. You're really good!" 

"Thanks! Years of practice." I giggle. 

He raises a brow. "What are you up to later?" 

"Well, there's the party at the Camerons since Ward and Rose are gone for the weekend. You're going right?" I ask. 

"I was thinking of making an appearance." He remarks wittily. "You free until then?" 

I shrug. "As a bird." 

"Would you want to get some coffee or something?" 

A faint blush forms on my cheeks. "Sounds good." 

____________________________________

Topper

Sitting at the small table outside of the cafe, I can't help but admire her as she talks about California. All changed out her bathing suit and into a cropped Boston band T-shirt and ripped up Daisy Dukes. Half of her hair is tossed up into a bun, the rest hanging loose in waves over her shoulders. She doesn't notice my absentmindedly listening as I analyze every inch of her, even her white Converse high tops, the laces so stretched that she can tie them around her ankles multiple times. 

The waitress interrupts my daze and takes our orders. 

"Regular black coffee and farmer's breakfast please," I request. 

"Lavender tea and granola acai bowl, please. Thank you so much." Y/N smiles, handing her menu to the girl. 

What the hell is acai anyway? Does anyone know? Because I don't. 

When her eyes meet mine, she giggles. "What? Are you gonna start calling me Granola Girl?" 

"I didn't even know how to pronounce acai until you said it," I admit. 

"You should try it! It's very good for you!" She encourages. 

I make a 'yuck' sound and cower. "Isn't it purple?" 

"Maybe... Don't let that scare you!" She giggles. "Branch out, Thorton." 

"Okay, I'll try it, but only because you're peer-pressuring me!" I laugh. 

After a few minutes, my coffee and her tea arrive. Almost immediately, she reaches for the bottle of honey on the table and squeezes some in. 

"Did you know it takes bees almost a month to produce honey?" She asks. "A little fun fact."  

I glance up from stirring my coffee right as she brings her honey-coated finger to her mouth and begins to suck on it. Her eyes meet mine innocently, not suspecting of my thoughts. Fuck me. 

I swallow hard and quickly return my focus to picking up my coffee. 

"Sarah mentioned a party happening at The Boneyard tomorrow. What's that?" She asks with furrowed brows. 

"It's uh... it's place on The Cut," I stammer, still caught off guard by the honey incident. 

She frowns as takes a sip from her tea. "Why is it called 'The Cut'?" 

"It's where Pogues live. It's just the less valuable part of the island," I do my best to describe. 

"Pogues?" 

"The people from The Cut." 

"Do you all from your neighborhood have a name?" 

"They call us Kooks." I shrug. 

"At least it's fair. Sounds rather West Side Story," she teases with a giggle.

The waitress appears with our food. My plate is rather basic, All-American breakfast. Y/N's is a symbol of the trendy West Coast. In summary, we fit our stereotypes. 

I'm hesitant to say what I'm thinking, but Y/N doesn't know the island as I do. She hasn't met any Pogues and should be careful. "You should stay away from Pogues. They have a tendency to steal and lie." I advise. 

Her face falters, apparently, they don't have stuff like where she's from. "Oh... wow... noted." 

"Yeah, I would stay close to Rafe or me tomorrow night," I suggest, genuinely concerned for her and partially for my own benefit. 

She smiles, taking a bite of her smoothie bowl. "Will do."

"Our friends will be there so you should be okay, but Pogues will be too. Tourons too."  

She laughs. "Is that what you call tourists?" 

I suppress a grin and drag my tongue across my lower lip. 

"So I'm a touron?" She questions with amusement. 

My eyes grow wide and impulsively, my hand travels across the table to land on hers. "No, no! Not you!" I then notice my hand resting on hers. Oh geez, I'm messing this up! "Oh.. uh.. sor-" 

Calmly, she glides her hand over, allowing our fingers to interlock. She brings them down to rest on her lap under the table. "You're fine, Topper!" She giggles. "You apologize too much. Relax. It's just me." 

A smile forms on my lips and I nod. She's right, it's her, she's not scary. She's kind and understanding, more relaxed than anyone I've ever met. 

"Here, try this." She scoops up some of her smoothie bowl, picking up some granola and fruit on top. She guides the spoon into my mouth and I try it. 

I nod, processing the experience. "Okay, I'm a fan." 

"I knew you would be," she grins, giving my hand a faint squeeze. 

The remainder of the meal, on the walk to the car, throughout the drive, and until I dropped her off, we hold hands. It felt so natural and right, as though our hands were made for each other. It was difficult to let go, to say the least. 

__________________________________________________

Well into the party at the Cameron's, Rafe challenges me to jump off the roof into their pool three stories below. Kelce gets him fired up, encouraging the challenge. Y/N and Sarah innocently stand nearby on the balcony, smoking a joint together. I would be lying if I said I haven't been watching Y/N all night. That yellow bikini should be illegal. 

"I'll do it if Y/N does!" I compromise. 

Rafe grins wickedly and I instantly regret what I said. He gets up from his spot on the couch and jogs over to the girls. He rests his hand on Y/N's lower back, dangerously close to her ass. I swallow hard, doing my best not to make a scene. As they talk and laugh, he glides his arm around her. The way she looks at him so intently, makes me wonder if it's solely friendly. Then again, Y/N has the ability to make everyone feel like they're the most important person in the world. 

"Oh, you're on!" I hear her tell him. 

Rafe takes her hand and brings her over. "She's down!" 

The next thing I know, Y/N and I are standing on the roof of the Cameron's house. 

"Scared?" I ask her as I peer down at the pool below. People stand with their heads tilted back, cheering for us to jump. 

She shrugs. "It's just like cliff jumping. I do it all the time back home." She slips her hand into mine. 

My eyes flicker down to our interlocked hands and an idea pops into my head. I tuck my arm behind her legs and scoop her up. 

She instantly flings her arms around my neck and squeals. "Topper!" 

"Ready?" I chuckle. 

"On three!" She giggles nervously. 

I nod and begin to count. "Okay! One! Two!" I jump and cheers ensue louder. 

Y/N screams and clings to me. Her face is hidden within the curve of my neck. Within seconds, the cool pool water consumes us. We break apart and I kick to the surface. When I pop out of the water and wipe my eyes, I find Y/N close by. She swims over to me, smiling brightly. I snake my arm around her and guide her legs around my waist. 

I point to her and announce to the cheering crowd. "This is the coolest girl in the OBX!" 

________________________________

Rafe

The party has died down, the sun threatening to rise in two to three hours. Topper and Kelce finish a game of pong outside and Sarah crashed a while ago. I watch dazed as Y/N takes another hit from the joint and hands it to me. She sits back onto the couch and leans into my side, resting her head on my shoulder as I take another hit. Once there's nothing left but ash, I set it down on the ashtray on the side table. I rest my now free hand on Y/N's knee as she rests against me.  

"So soft..." I mumble, rubbing my thumb over her skin. 

Y/N rises off my shoulder, resting her chin against it. I turn my head, meeting her red and dilated eyes. She smiles softly at me. 

I lift my other hand to caress her cheek. "So beautiful..." 

She stares into my eyes and I'm left wondering what's going on inside her head. My eyes flicker down to her lips and I want to kiss her. Following my instincts, I lean in. 

Shaking her head, she presses a hand to my chest and moves away. "Rafe, don't." 

I persist, scooting closer to her. "Why not? It's not like you're still with Nate," I chuckle. 

"We're friends..." She reminds me. 

I press against her shoulder to urge her down onto the couch. "We could be more." I lean in to kiss her again. 

Within seconds, Y/N's palm flies across my cheek with a smack. "Jesus Rafe! I said no!" 

I hiss, my hand covering up my cheek. 

Y/N takes the opportunity to slip out from under me. She storms off toward the staircase. I slam my fist against the back of the couch. Damn, that slap fucking hurt. She really knows how to hit! Suddenly, Topper and Kelce appear from outside, laughing and talking about the party. I pull out my vile of coke from my pocket, ready to release the pain in my face. 

"Where did Y/N go?" Topper chuckles as they plop down on the couch with me.  

"I don't know, bed? Who gives a fuck," I grumble, pouring myself a new line on the table. 

“What’s with the attitude?” Kelce questions. 

“Nothing, man. Just don’t care about her.” I hide behind a disdained expression. 

________________________________

Masterlist

Tags: @starkeythinker @bethii1 @thegunnerkelly @cc13723things@hockeybabe87 @jolomez @plutooryectors

[randomfandominserts]

urs by NIKI - Oikawa Tooru x Reader

Playlist Series: Link

Urs by NIKI

Lyrics: “Trynna find where your head is, but I’m losing myself in the process

  You’re bad for my health, all the good nights

  Are they hidden goodbyes in disguise? I never know

  You come see me only when I ask first

  When you kiss me, do you wish it were her? 

  The best at being the worst

  But fuck’s sake, I’m already yours.”

Warnings: Mentions of sex, language, angst, idk

Word Count:  3.2k

.

.

Saturday

Oikawa Tooru was beautiful. His hair was mussed from the relentless tugging you had just exposed it to, his face slightly flushed. It took all of your willpower to tear your gaze from his face when he turned back to look at you. You knew he’d be weirded out, you couldn’t stare at him like you were in love. That’s not what this was supposed to be. 

He finished tugging on his shirt and held out a hand to you. No - not a hand. It was just your top. “Here,” he said, dropping it on your lap when you didn’t reach out fast enough. “I have to go to practice in an hour, and I wanted to grab something to eat first.” You pulled your shirt over your head at an agonizingly slow pace. He was kicking you out, of course he was. But you wanted to savor the moment, the sight of him slightly disheveled and the smell of him and the close proximity and- “Thanks for coming over though, (Y/N).” He gave you that smile - it was faked and forced but God, you loved his smile - before stepping away from the bed you were still seated on.

“No problem.” You stood, finally, and moved to pick up your bag and keys. “You don’t usually practice on the weekends. Do you have a game next week?” He shrugged, too consumed with sorting through his volleyball bag to pay any more attention to you. 

“A couple practice matches, and a game on Friday.” 

“Right.” He was done with you. “I’ll head out now. Have a good time at practice. Say ‘hi’ to Iwa for me?” 

“Sure, sure.” He waved you goodbye - or maybe he was waving you away. Whichever, you shot him one last smile - not that he was looking at you to see it - and headed out. 

It hadn’t always been like this between you two, at least not in private. You used to be friends, and you would talk and laugh and spend time together like any other pair of pals. Somewhere along the way, you both decided to try being friends with benefits. That’s what ruined it for you. Suddenly Oikawa was detached unless you were fucking, and you were so incredibly attached that it was embarrassing. No one noticed much of a change, because with your friends you were mostly still the bubbly, goofy pair that you had always been. But getting to see the Oikawa you loved when you were alone was limited to the times you were being intimate. 

Sunday

It was an incredibly boring afternoon. You were already finished with all of your homework and wanted nothing more than to relax with a couple of friends. Unfortunately for you, most of your usual Sunday squad had already said they were busy. You were left with one option, one that wasn’t unwelcome but was awkward all the same. It had been ages since you and Oikawa had spent time together that wasn’t for, well, pleasure purposes, so you weren’t sure how the invite would go over, but you decided to give it a try despite that. 

~Tooruuuu

There was no immediate response. Not even a semi-quick one, not like usual. Hmm. Maybe he hadn’t seen it? You decided to send another text, just in case. 

~I’m bored

~Wanna have a movie day? I have snacks and Netflix :))

It was read immediately but was left unresponded to for about 5 minutes. 

~busy today, sorry :(

~Oh, okay </3 Have fun! 

~u too

Had he always been such a slow, dry texter? You sighed and tossed your phone aside. Guess it would be a solo movie night tonight. 

Monday

Everyone was laughing, but you simply bit into your sandwich without glancing at the storyteller. Oikawa was retelling the story of how he met some girl Saturday night after practice. “She was beautiful, and I made a fool of myself!” he whined, while the surrounding third years jeered and laughed and teased. You weren’t in the mood for all that. You didn’t care that he got her number or that she was “the prettiest girl” he’s ever seen (and yes, that is a direct quote). You didn’t care that she was texting him right at that moment, or that she apparently went to Aoba Johsai with you guys. You especially didn’t care about how much fun they had yesterday at the park while you were alone in your room, or how she was smart and beautiful and perfect. You simply did not care in the slightest.

You felt a nudge in your ribs, and you glanced over to see Iwaizumi looking at you. “You good?” he asked quietly. How considerate of him, to quietly get in your business rather than let the whole table in on it. He didn’t know about the friends with benefits situation, why would he? So you sighed and shrugged, averting your attention back to your sandwich. 

“Don’t really care about Tooru’s hot date, is all.” Luckily for you, Iwa didn’t press the matter. He let out a small hum, a minute sign of understanding, before turning back to the laughing group around you. He probably had some suspicions. Maybe you’d text him about it later, maybe call to explain your sour mood, but for now, you were happy to let it be. Now wasn’t the time to tell him about you and Oikawa’s arrangement. 

Later that night, you sat alone in your room. You were bored and lonely and, despite all the qualms you held about it, you missed Oikawa dearly. It took only a couple of seconds to glance at your phone and realize practice was probably over, so you pushed aside your pride and opened up your messaging app.

~Hey

~Practice over? :)

And you waited. You waited and waited and waited until finally, 1 hour and 37 minutes later, you got a response. 

~yeah

~what’s up?

~Wanna come over? Home alone and I’m bored ;p

It was almost ridiculous how quickly you texted back, especially since he took another 23 minutes to send his simple response.

~ok

~be over in 15

He took 26 minutes to get to your house, not 15, but at least he came. The time was spent as it usually was, with him peppering your skin with little kisses and him singing your praises while you melted like putty in his hands. It felt intimate and wonderful, but it also felt like only a moment, and you found yourself watching Oikawa pull on his clothes much too soon. You stayed planted on your bed, wanting nothing more than to curl up under your fluffy comforter with Oikawa by your side. 

“Something wrong?” He was calling out to you from across the room, having noticed your frozen state. Of course he had noticed, he was one of the most perceptive people you knew. But you didn’t give in and only shook your head in response. 

“No, just sleepy. You really know how to tire me out, huh?” You tried to smile and laugh, you tried to mask the lies. You knew he could see right through it, but he didn’t say anything else. Instead, he glanced down at his phone which had just given a little ‘beep.’ The corners of his lips twitched upwards as he tapped away at the screen. Immediately. “Who’s that?” 

“You know the girl I met the other night? She invited me and the guys to this bakery she knows, as a late-night snack.” He was smiling fully now, completely occupied by the texts that were pouring in. Beep, beep, beep. It took a moment before he finally put it down and looked back at you. “I’m sure you can come too. If you want.” 

“No, that’s okay. I’m tired, remember? I’m probably going to go to sleep.”

“Okay. Good, I’m gonna go then.” He tugged on his jacket and laced up his shoes. “Bye!”

“Goodnight,” you said weakly. Reluctantly. 

“Yeah, goodnight.” It sounded so forced, but you didn’t bring it up. You simply curled under your blankets and waited until you heard your front door slam before falling asleep. 

Tuesday

“Here.” Iwaizumi placed a small wrapped pastry in your outstretched hands. It was warm, like it had just been heated up, and it smelled lovely. It was early in the morning, just before classes were to start, and you hadn’t eaten yet. Iwaizumi was basically your savior.

“Thanks, Hajime.” You unwrapped the treat, eager to see what was inside. It was a small blueberry scone, which made you smile. “You didn’t bake, did you?” You faked disbelief, shaking your head with a laugh. “What if you poisoned it?” 

“I got it from a bakery last night, idiot.” He tapped you on the shoulder, friendly and gentle, but hearing where he got it immediately caused a shift in your attitude.  

“With Oikawa?” Iwaizumi was hesitant to answer, as he was hyperaware of the shift that had just occurred. 

“...Yeah.” No longer in the mood to joke around, you simply lifted the treat to your lips and ate it in small nibbles. It was, unfortunately, delicious. You didn’t want to give this mysterious girl any credit but damn did she know a good bakery. “What’s going on with you two?” You shrugged, using the scone as an excuse to keep from speaking, but Iwa was too smart for his own good. He saw what you were doing and took back the pastry he had just gifted you. You gave him a small sigh.

“Nothing’s going on with us. Not really.” Iwaizumi was giving you a look that told you he didn’t believe you for 1 second. You sighed again, not wanting to crack, but having someone to talk to would be nice, wouldn’t it? “Honestly, Iwa? We fuck sometimes. But he’s so disconnected it hardly feels like anything more than a step backward.” Your friend gave no visible reaction to your confession. It was like he wasn’t surprised at all. But instead of teasing you or saying ‘I told you so’ he let you continue. “And now there’s that girl, you know, the ‘prettiest girl in the world’ or whatever. And I know it’s just a crush, but I don’t know, what if I’m losing him? I bet the whole time we were together last night he was thinking about her.”

“They just met.” He was trying to comfort you, in his own way. But it fell on deaf ears. 

“Whatever. I have to get to class.” You gathered your items off the floor and headed off down the hall. “Thanks for the scone.” 

Iwaizumi sent you a million (AKA two) texts that night after their practice match, trying to talk to you about the Oikawa situation. Unfortunately for him, you were too busy breaking your own heart (AKA having sex with Oikawa) to text back anything helpful. And, unfortunately for you, Oikawa received a call from his new girl crush in the middle of the act and had to cut it short. 

“Sorry, (Y/N)!” he said, putting on his best puppy dog face, “She’s lost! I need to go rescue her!” 

“Right.” You were frustrated, cold, empty without him. But he was already tugging on his shoes and dialing her number on his phone. 

“I can’t leave a lady stranded!” he was saying, so proud of himself and happy that he could run off and rescue this mysterious maiden. You could almost laugh. He was leaving you naked and cold, he was stranding you to go find this girl who couldn’t even make her way around the city she lived in. He was on the phone with her by the time he was out the door, laughing and smiling and leaving you feeling almost sick. Maybe instead of a laugh, you would cry. 

You pulled out your phone, finally needing the advice that Iwaizumi was itching to give you. 

~Should I end this thing?

~What do you think?

~How helpful.

Wednesday

You were, once again, sitting at lunch and angrily munching on your meal while everyone around you laughed and enjoyed their time. The topic of conversation was, once again, Oikawa’s beautiful new girl friend. Not ‘girlfriend’ yet, but you were sure that’s where they were headed. How annoying. 

Iwa sat beside you like usual, and he made sure to glance over in your direction every time Oikawa mentioned his crush. You’d think his concern was sweet, if it wasn’t for the fact that Oikawa quickly noticed that you were the subject of his friend’s constant looks and asked if you were alright. It took everything in you to not scream or hit Iwaizumi or lash out at Oikawa. Instead, after a deep breath, you plastered a smile on your face and turned to Oikawa. 

“I’m fine,” you said, “Just tired.” Though you were sure it was obvious that you were lying - your fake smile wasn’t nearly as convincing as Oikawa’s - no one said a thing. Oikawa went back to his story - him and his girl had a movie night yesterday after he helped her get home, how cute - and you went back to stabbing your salad aggressively. 

You were pulled aside following the meal. Iwaizumi stood, arms crossed and face stern, ready to tell you what you needed to hear (though, it definitely wasn’t going to be what you wanted to hear). 

“I know that you like him,” he started.

“Love,” you corrected. He ignored you. 

“But trust me when I say he’s not oblivious. And you’re not subtle.” You sighed, crossing your arms to match your friend’s stance. 

“So? What am I supposed to do about it?”

“If you don’t want to lose him? Tell him the truth.” Iwaizumi walked off, leaving you alone with your thoughts. 

You didn’t text Oikawa that night. He didn’t text you either.

Thursday

You laughed at lunch, but only because Oikawa was off doing who-knows-what with his little crush. They had a lunch date or something, who knows. He squeezed in time to see her whenever he could (or at least that’s what you gathered from his teammates). He was even inviting her to practice. 

He never did that with you.

Friday

You weren’t sure what possessed you to attend the team’s game. 

You never come to these things. It was loud and hot and you could hardly push your way past the crowd of Seijoh fans that were packed into the gym. Looks like everyone had the same idea as you and came early enough to see the team’s individual warm-ups.

Because the other team had yet to arrive and start their warm-ups you were able to slip down to the court fairly easily. You just wanted to say hi to your friends and wish them luck before the game started. You also had a little treat stuffed in your pocket: some of Oikawa’s favorite candy in a little good-luck baggie. Maybe if you could get him alone you would give him the gift and tell him what you’d been thinking about for the past week (in your head you imagined it would likely go something like ‘I’m in love with you, Tooru, and I want to be with you!’ Very dramatic and romantic).

After spotting Oikawa’s head peeking up over the crowd of players, you began to make your way in his direction. How lucky, he wasn’t even practicing yet. You were determined to catch him before he got into his game mode, but you were suddenly stopped by a firm hand on your arm. Iwa had caught your arm and held you in place, keeping you from your mission of finally confessing to Oikawa. You turned to glare at Iwa, to give him a piece of your mind, but he only shook his head at you.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to see To- uh, to support the team.” Smooth.

He dropped your arm and quickly - nervously?-  glanced over your shoulder before averting his gaze right back to you. Maybe he hadn’t meant for you to see, but you noticed anyway. You turned your head slightly, just in time to see most of the team had moved out of your line of sight to expose Oikawa and - no way.

He was bending down and kissing her, right there, for everyone to see. For you and Iwaizumi and the rival team and Oikawa’s fangirls and the entire crowd and everyone to see. 

“Oh.” You turned back to Iwaizumi, whose expression was unreadable. “I, uh, I didn’t know they were actually, uh, dating.” You tried to laugh, like it was some kind of funny joke. “Didn’t they meet a week ago? This is kinda fast, huh?” 

“(Y/N)...” Iwa looked like he wanted to say more, but there was a quick whistle ‘toot’ that called his attention. His team started to make their way to the court for the official warm-ups. 

“Hey, don’t mind me. Go play!” You were smiling - God, how were you smiling? - and you shooed him off to the court. “Have a good game!” He looked torn but still shuffled over to join his team. You were ushered into the stands and ended up next to Oikawa’s crush. No, wait, girlfriend. How wonderful. 

You stayed for the entire game. Maybe because you felt it would be a waste to go. Maybe because you wanted to support the team. Maybe because you didn’t know what else to do with yourself at that moment. Whichever the case, you suffered through the game for no reason. There was no one waiting for you when it ended. There was nothing to say. 

Once you got home, it took everything in you to muster up the courage to shoot a simple text Oikawa’s way. 

~I went to your game today! You played great :)

By now you were expecting a reply an hour later, if at all. So it came as a shock when a new text popped up on your phone not even 5 minutes later. 

~I’m sorry, (Y/N), I think we should stop talking. 

You turned off your phone. 

Thursday

You and Oikawa were just friends again. Maybe that’s why things felt so normal between you two. You could laugh and talk and joke without having to worry about anyone finding out your secret. Unfortunately for you, being friends with Oikawa was what made you fall in love with him in the first place. 

Lunch was different now. His girlfriend always sat with you, taking up the tiny spot that used to sit empty next to Oikawa. She was funny, you guess, but it ruined the flow of the conversations sometimes. It felt forced to you, she felt out of place. But maybe that was just your jealousy talking, because no one else acted like anything was different at all. 

And maybe you were ridiculous, but you were still in love with him. Maybe it was easier to be in love when you didn’t have to pretend that you weren’t attached. Maybe it was easier to hide it when you didn’t have any alone time anymore. Were you happier this way? Who knows. You missed everything about him. You missed the way he touched you and the feeling of him against your skin. You missed his voice and you missed the way he held you. But you could accept it. It was better this way, right? Besides, he looked so happy with his new girlfriend. Who would want to ruin that?

But, fuck, you wished more than anything that you could get up in his face and tell him, “I’m yours.”

[forasecondtherewedwon]

Sorry to bother you but are you still doing that song shuffle game? Then I have a number - 2 Thanks for your time <3

Not a bother in the slightest! I think I’ll always be open to shuffle prompts because it’s just a good creative exercise. Thank you!! This one got more than twice as long a little longer than the previous ones I’ve done for this game.

“Can I Sleep in Your Arms?” - Willie Nelson Left me lonely and cold and so weak/And I need someone’s arms to hold me/’Til I’m strong enough to get back on my feet

no hold to hold on you

“Peter,” May says gently, pushing his hair back from his face with a warm, comforting hand, “what can I do?”

He shakes his head.

“It’s ok.”

“I know this is hard,” his aunt presses. “Tony meant a lot to you.” Peter sniffs and wipes his nose with the back of his hand.

“Don’t get me started again,” he says with a wet laugh.

“Alright. I can put something stupid on TV and pretend not to see you crying at the other end of the couch,” she offers. “How would that be? You wanna get your PJs on?”

He’s touched by the way she’s babying him. Sometimes, it gets on his nerves, but under the circumstances, the overabundance of tenderness brings him back to the early days after Ben’s death and how careful he and May were with each other. Although they don’t share this loss in the same way they shared that one, it doesn’t negate her instinct to shelter him from the world.

“Nah,” Peter says with a deep sigh. “I don’t think I have the energy to get changed again.”

When they got home from the funeral, he took off his suit as quickly as possible, threw on a t-shirt and sweats. Everything soft and formless―the very opposite of the feel of the other kind of suit in his closet. The ones Mr. Stark made him. The one in particular that he was wearing when his friend and mentor died right in front of him. He squeezes his eyes shut for a minute and May rubs his back firmly, reminding him of her presence. No new tears escape. His eyes feel hot, his cheeks dry from all the tears he’s swiped away today.

“You wanna go spend some time with Ned? Maybe sleep over? I swear I won’t take it personally that you don’t feel like hanging out,” his aunt says with a sympathetic half-smile.

“Ned? Yeah, maybe.”

Peter hasn’t even thought of Ned today, which is weird. Under completely different circumstances, Ned would’ve loved being by his side, meeting all those Avengers. Peter could’ve downplayed it as no big deal and watched his best friend’s eyes light up, and Mr. Stark would’ve acted all― His shoulders droop. So maybe it’s good he doesn’t have any memories of Ned and Tony side by side. Ned’s a separate part of his life that Peter can retreat into right now.

“Yeah? You let me know if you don’t stay overnight, or if you want me to come get you, or―”

“May,” he reminds her quietly, “I can get home by myself.”

“I know that. I know. I know you can.” Her mouth turns down and her nostrils twitch, but she’s as good at holding back tears as he is. Probably better. She runs a hand across his shoulders, then lets him stand.

Peter collects his phone and keys, slips his shoes on, flips his hood up. May’s waiting at the door of their apartment.

“Don’t do anything tonight,” she says. He frowns. She looks down, almost guiltily. “I know you feel compelled to help people, but if you could just… just get from point A to point B without getting mixed up in anything…”

“Ok,” he promises, because she doesn’t need that worry right now. He can make sure he doesn’t end up under a truck or in front of a knife or inside a bank that’s being robbed for one night.

“Thank you.”

“Love you, May,” Peter says, hugging her almost as hard as she hugs him.

“Alright. Say hi to Ned for him.”

He turns so she doesn’t have to hold that smile on her face too long for his benefit.

Outside, the world is dark and empty, so he should stick to well-worn paths. But he doesn’t end up at Ned’s. He ends up at MJ’s. She had a few members of the decathlon team over for an extra prep session before a competition one evening, then another time, Ned and Peter did a movie night with her. It was mostly Ned’s doing. He said they should get to know their new captain better and Peter felt nervous and awkward about it, but it turned out fine.

The ease with which he can pull her address up in his mind doesn’t explain his unconscious decision to arrive at her building. Since Peter’s here, he sends her a text. She lets him in.

“Quiet,” he says when he’s come up and she’s locking them inside her apartment.

“My parents are in Philly, visiting my aunt.”

Unlike normal, MJ doesn’t bombard him with questions or stare him down with suspicious eyes. Thank god. He’s tired. Immortally tired. Something old and soft plays from the other room. He could hear the song’s lyrics if he focused, but he tunes into the beat of MJ’s heart instead. Somehow, it’s even more soothing.

“Come and sit down,” she says.

Peter follows her to the couch, far less familiar than the one he sat on with May. Still, he associates the darkness of the room and the comfort of his seat with being taken care of. He wrings his hands.

“Sorry for just showing up,” he tells the carpet between his socked feet.

“It’s ok.”

“We buried Tony today.”

“Oh.”

He doesn’t know he’s crying until MJ’s arms wrap around his shoulders in a tentative hug. Shameless, Peter twists and presses his face against her neck, weeping into her skin. She hugs him tighter, bringing one leg up onto the couch to make it easier to hold him close. His hands scrabble at the back of her long-sleeved shirt. Over ugly moans, he catches the sound of her sweetly shushing him as her fingers rake through the back of his hair and pet his neck.

“It’s ok, it’s gonna be ok. It’ll be ok, Peter. Today’s the hardest day. It’s alright. Get it out. Or you don’t have to think about it if you don’t want to. But if you do, that’s good. No, don’t be embarrassed. It’s ok, you’re alright. I’ve got you. I know. It’s ok that it’s hard. Are you thinking about your uncle? Of course I know about that. Shhh. It’s ok. It just means you cared about Stark. I bet you were really important to him too. Everything’s gonna be alright. It’s over now. All the bad stuff is behind you, Peter. You’re ok. I’m here.”

Her words go on and on. Peter doesn’t know for how long, except that it’s almost as long as he cries. MJ holds him together so he can’t break apart while he feels all of this. Hiccupping with stress and sadness and embarrassment, he tries to apologize, but she just shushes him some more. When the tears finally slow, he looks at her. Quickly, she’s up from the couch, getting him a drink and dragging a blanket over his shoulders on her way back.

“You’ll give yourself a headache,” she says, shrugging off the plain kindness of a glass of water. “Crying always gives me a headache.”

“What do you cry about?”

What a dumb way to make conversation, Peter thinks. Morbid and too personal. Sipping his water, he’s confused to see his question make MJ blush and dart her eyes away from his.

“Dumb stuff.”

“I don’t think anything you could think about would be dumb.”

“Thanks, Peter,” she says, looking surprised. “It’s just, you know, crying over things I don’t have.”

“I hope you get those things.”

She gives him a funny look, but it’s gone by the time he takes a tissue from the box she’s placed at his feet and blows his nose.

“I think about him everywhere,” Peter groans in frustration. See how sheer annoyance works at keeping the misery down. MJ hums like she’s agreeing with him, then stops abruptly. “I’m sorry,” he says again. “I can’t believe I just came over and―”

“It’s seriously ok. I mean it. Let’s not do that asinine adult thing where social etiquette demands that we go back and forth without actually asserting our needs,” she rants, pulling her knee up to her chest and gripping it with both hands. “Be here, be sad, and stop worrying about it.”

It’s amazing to him how much softer MJ is one-on-one. Still assertive to the point of occasional curtness, but unexpectedly attentive. He hopes she doesn’t cry often. He hopes consoling others is something she’s naturally good at, not because she’s had a lot of practice. Nobody deserves a life full of grief.

Peter splashes water in his face in the bathroom and means to tell her he’s gonna go. He’s worn himself out with crying. Instead, he sits back down on the couch. She was looking up at him. He doesn’t want to go yet. May thinks he’ll be at Ned’s all night. Like she knows his aunt’s plan from earlier, MJ puts the TV on in the background. What she doesn’t do is flee to the opposite end of the couch. She stays near him, looking straight ahead to give him privacy because she is apparently a deeply decent person.

He follows up the mystery of how he ended up here rather than at Ned’s with the mystery of how he and MJ are sitting apart one minute and have their arms touching the next. They go from that to her hand slipping into his. (Her heart speeds up―wait, does she care about him as more than a friend?)

From that to his head dropping sideways onto her shoulder.

To MJ’s cheek against the top of his head.

To sleep.

music shuffle fic game!

[tylerwritez]

7:45 p.m. Sunday June 20th

Okay well... writing about the entirety of my day is gonna be. Quite the task.

Whatever. I'm dedicated to making this blog A Thing.

Today was Father's Day, so the first thing I did was get up and go downstairs. Gave my dad his presents. He made us pancakes. (I definitely ate too much today... but tommorow is monday so itll be easier to restrict)

We are, watched youtube, then we drove to Wabuman Lake. Idk,, the drive was just that: a typical car ride in which I struggle to find "car friendly" songs, aka songs that everyone will like... aka anything but metal and vocaloid... aka Radiohead, Weezer and Soda Stereo XD

When we got there, we rented a yellow paddleboat, which is this clunky plastic boat that you pedal to move, like some weird water bicycle. It was sunny, and honestly? I've always found being on the water to be calming. After that, we got ice cream (I got Blueberry Cheesecake flavour, my sister R got Cookies N Cream, and my dad got Burgundy Cherry)

I noted that there were at least 2 historical buildings there, along with... I forgot what I was gonna say. Nothing important.

Oh yeah, lots of cool old shiny cars.

We drove back. Got home, exhausted. I cleaned a bit. Idk. Didnt do much until after supper. Since we had fast food for lunch, we only ate a piece of bread and fruit smoothies for supper. We went out, I got a monster XD even tho my parents told me not to...

I got home, took a shower. While I was in the shower my dad got pissed at me for eating some of his chocolate but HE WAS SO SO SO MAD I was thinking to myself he cant be this mad over some choclate but you never know with my parents... they kinda hate me but also dont at the same time it's weird and hard to navigate.

Anwyays when I went downstairs he just. Seemed to have forgotten it ever existed and I mean, if he didnt mention it I wasn't gonna either. I did some homework then "went to sleep" aka went to my room, turned off the light, and pretended to sleep but actually talked to people online

People keep inviting me to hang out with them and I just hope my parents say yes to it all...

My friend Bee on Tuesday, Jay on Wednesday, on Saturday a group picnic...

If they say no to any of this I'll cry /hj

My talk with Jay tonight: I want to fuck him again RIGHT NOW. GET IN MY FUCKINF BED. RIGHT NOWWWW ugh. But also I noticed that since I explained one of my tone tags to him... HE USED ONE IN CONVO WITH ME. And idk. That made me so happy? I dont  know. I like how he proves consistently and constantly that he CARES about being considerate and cares about me.

That's a lot of the letter C but yeah.

And he said at some point that he missed

My body... and my shitty nerd gaming stuff and like. Omg he LIKES MY INTERESTS. I DIDNT BORE HIM TALKING ABOUT COMIC BOOKS AND VIDEO GAMES! SCORE. also he said he'd be down to cuddle without fucking which is. Great too... since I'm touchstarved and well... I call him Daddy. Nuff said.

As for Star... sometimes she just says shit that concerns me like it's nothing and I never know how to respond because I cant help her! I'm not a fucking mental health professional.

... when I told her mY shit she wasnt one either... why do I even try n help. Why dont I just tell her to go to therapy?

I'm angry at her a bit actually. She says shit like "haha just purged" and I'm like.... okay??? What do u want me to say to that.

Or like,,, I NEED TONE TAGS, OKAY??? I DO. this is mainly why I'm mad. She keeps making jokes without /j and I dont register them as jokes.... or maybe they aren't jokes at all and she just says they're jokes cos I get upset.

Sometimes instead of actually telling me how she feels, she uses this emoticon and... I dont understand what shes tryna tell me. And it keeps stressing me out. Idk. I told her look I dont understand it and she said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon" and like...

She tells me all the time no ur not overreacting dont let people tell you that you are and here she is. Telling me I'm overreacting. OUCH. THAT ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY IRL. STOP INVALIDATING MY FEELINGS PLEASE.

It actually  hurt me. Like I'm fr crying right now because. Ouch. How hard is it to just put a fucking "/j" after ur words? How hard is it to... use words and explain how u feel instead of giving me a straight faced emoticon. Its frustrating.

Also she keeps saying shit like "omg ur never horny what's wrong w u omg I'm the only one with a sex drive in this relationship how come u never initiate anything I need to fuck someone maybe *sends pic of model* maybe her" which like. A) is ignoring all the times I DID initiate stuff and B) makes me feel inadequate and like. I dont know. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.

:/ I cant really be mad at her for my own brain being stupid.

Why am I so stupid? How come I never understand when people are joking? How come I have these weird things I do to feel comfortable? Why do I twitch and flap my wrists? Why is my ability to sleep restricted by the amount of weight on top of me (I need lots of weight)?

Why am I the worst person ever? I'm being 100 percent serious. My brain doesnt work! It doesnt. My emotions are too strong. They fuck everything up. I hate myself. Like, when Star said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon", I started crying. But when Jay said "I always want you to feel comfortable around me", I immediately felt such love toward him and I told him I love you... but I had to say it was as friends. Cos we have a "friends with benefits" thing going on... not even an actual relationship.

Well now I'm sad that he doesnt like me romantically but whatever. Hes too perfect and sweet anywayssss he deserves better than me.

Wait. Where does that leave me?

Alone? Again?

Alone?

ALONE????

Maybe I deserve it... but I actually genuinely cant live like that. I cant. I cant live. Without love. My parents fucked me up like that 🤪

But also I realized that I'm a lot happier in good relationships where people show me they love me and care about me and such.

FUCK JAY JUST TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE LIKES ME... even if it's just as a friendship thing.... I appreciate it so much. Hes so fucking sweet it hurts. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM SO SO MUCH. he told me, our sex can be rough but our relationship has to be built off trust and respect... LITERALLY FUCK ME RIGHT NOW.

Update we are now officially "best friends forever" but we also kiss and fuck and cuddle okay. That's a thing. I LOVE HIM. it's okay though. I don't know I said yeah let's be bffs then I physcially cringed. It's okay though. I'll be fine. It functions as a sexy romance thing anwyays.

I love him so much. Hes the best. Fucking hell. Hes the kindest person ever.

Also can Star please stop fucking with me. She said she'd stop using the emoticon and I said "thanks" and then she used a weird emoji to react to my thanks because she wanted to "acknowledge that she read my message without liking it".... oh so you dont like it??? What??? I said "okay" and she was like "yikes, you upset?" And I said idk cos I am but whatever and she USED ANOTHER SFUPID DUCKINF EMOTICON THAT I DONT UNDERSTAND WITH THE WORD OKAY OMFG. OMFG. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANDS. OH MY GODDDD. I'm angry.

Fucking hell. I just wish... whatever.

If Jay liked me ROMANTICALLY as well...  perfect life.

Whatever.

My parents have fucked me up really badly. I know so. Today I saw a comic where a kid started crying while getting yelled at and their mom HUGGED THEM. Omfg. If I cry when my parents yell at me they just yell more. The best thing I can do is stay quiet. Fucking hell. Fuck. I wish I got hugged. When I was upset.

Its 1:03 am. Fuck all this emotional turmoil I'm SLEEPING. Fuck this. FUCK MY PARENTS, FUCK STAR, FUCK MOVING AND FUCK SCHOOL. And FUCK STAR.

[fallen-gravity]

Change

All of Steven’s talk in the new pair of episode about how he’s afraid of being left behind and all this change being too overwhelming for him put the idea in my head that he could probably benefit from talking to Spinel a lot after the mess that was Prickly Pair, and I couldn’t let go of it until I wrote a fic about it. 

Summary:  Steven needs to talk to somebody, and he's quickly realizing that he's running out of options. 

AO3:

Or under the cut:

You’ve reached Connie Maheswaran, leave a message!

Beep.

…

You’ve reached Connie-

Beep.

....

You’ve reached Connie Maheswaran, leave a message!

“Hey, Connie” Steven murmurs, leaning back against the hood of the Dondai. “I guess I probably should leave a message. I just wanted to talk. It’s nothing serious,” he lies through his teeth, “I just...wanted to talk to you. It’s been a while, and I, uh, just wanted to see how things were going. Call me when you can. Don’t mind all the missed calls. I’m fine.” He pauses for a moment, gazing up at the twinkling stars. “I love you.” 

Beep. 

Steven clicks his phone off, and places his phone face down on his chest. He rests his hands behind his head and contemplates what he could possibly do now. 

Connie was his only resort. Lars already left, he can’t talk to Sadie after that embarrassing fiasco at the graduation ceremony, his poor dad’s already been through enough with Bluebird, and the gems wouldn’t understand. If he went to them he’s sure they’d just pat him on the head and try to tell him how proud they are, or try to offer some sort of advice of how to fix it.  Yeah, well, this time he can’t fix it. Maybe he doesn’t even want to fix it.

Who else is there to go to? If he can’t worry his dad or Connie, and the gems won’t be any help, where else could he go for help? It’s not like he can go to the barn anymore, since it got merged with Little Homeworld.

Actual Homeworld? Now there’s a thought. The Diamonds would love to have him, sure, but what help would they be? If Blue finds out that he’s feeling sad then she’s just going to start crying, and then everyone else on Homeworld is going to start crying, Yellow’s probably just going to try to “solve” everything with violence, and White’s probably going to turn it into another excuse to bring up the offer to live on Homeworld again. It’s a miracle Spinel survived living in the palace with them for more than ten minutes.

Wait a minute.

“Spinel!”  Steven thinks out loud. “Spinel would understand!”

He slides off the car’s hood and climbs into the driver’s seat. He starts the car, ejects Shep’s cassette tape before it can start playing, and makes his way back to Beach City. It’s ironic, really. One moment he’s singing praises about the wonders of change to Spinel, and the next he’s going to her because he can’t cope with change himself. He might as well warp in raising a huge white flag over his head. 

The lights are on in the house when his car pulls up, but word must’ve gotten around that the graduation after party was cancelled without him needing to say it, because there’s no other cars on the beach or any music coming from the house. That’s good. The less people home, the easier it’ll be to sneak out.

“Hey buddy,” Amethyst waves hello from the couch as he comes in, seated in the middle beside Garnet and Pearl. “Nobody saw where you went after the ceremony, you okay? You...want anything to eat?” 

Steven shakes his head as he hangs his jacket up on a hook. “I filled up on cake, thanks”

Pearl’s the next to speak up. “Would you like some tea? I know how tiring planning these things can be”

“No thanks” Steven replies, and fakes a yawn, stretching his arms above his head. “I think I’m just going to try getting some sleep. I’ll see you guys in the morning”. Without waiting for them to reply, he begins heading up the stairs towards his room, until he’s stopped halfway by the sound of Garnet calling his name. He freezes up. Oh no, did I get caught? Is she going to make me stay? Is she going to make me talk to her instead?

He turns to her, expecting to see her with her visor removed and ready to give him a long, powerful speech about family always being there for you, or something. But she’s not. She’s just standing there, one hand on the railing of the stairs. She’s looking at him, but her visor renders her expression unreadable. 

“Have a good night, Steven” she says, and nods very subtly at him. The gesture makes him smile, and he disappears up the stairs. He opens the door to his balcony as quietly as he can, and sneaks into the dome without closing the door behind him to make as little noise as he possibly can. He tentatively steps onto the warp pad, takes a deep breath, and warps away to Homeworld. Now all he needs to do is try to find a way to get Spinel away from the diamonds long enough to talk to her alone without them noticing. 

Not that they’d even mind, anyway, but Steven always has to take things the hard way, doesn’t he. He materializes into the palace, and before he has even a fraction of a second to look around- 

“Well, well, well!” Spinel shouts from Pink’s old throne. “Look what the warp pad dragged in!” She stretches her legs into springs, and projects herself off of the headrest to land beside him. “Mister Savior of the Universe himself!” 

“Hi Spinel”

“What are ya doin’ here? This some top secret diamond meeting I don’t know about? I can go grab ‘em for ya”  She’s about to leave, but Steven grabs her by the wrist before she can so as much take a single step away. 

“N-no, Spinel, that won’t be necessary. I’m here to see you.”

She blinks, and turns to look around her to make sure there’s nobody else in the room. “Me?” 

Steven nods. “Yes, you.”

Her expression changes from a blank stare to a face-splitting grin between one blink and another. “Well, why didn’t ya say so!” She snaps her fingers, and winds an arm around him and uses her other to spring them onto White’s throne. “What brings you out to see lil’ ol me? Didja miss me or something?” 

Steven frowns. “I’m not here to play games, Spinel”

“Oh.”  Her arm holding Steven in place deflates, and she sits down, dangling her legs over the edge. “Then what do you need me for?” She raises an eyebrow at him. “It doesn’t have anything to do with another injector, does it? Because it’s not mine this time”

Steven sighs, and sits down on White’s throne as well. “I just...wanted to talk” 

“Oh, well, then I’m all ears!” She stretches her hand into a megaphone and places it against the side of her head where her ear would be. “What’s on yer mind?” 

Steven twiddles with his thumbs and kicks his feet back and forth. “Everything”. 

“You’re gonna have to be more specific than that, Universe”

“I’m being serious!” he throws his arms into the air. “Everything! Everything is happening so quickly! I just got Lars back, we’ve barely had any time to talk since I’ve been running the school, and now he’s leaving again, Sadie and the Suspects broke up, Connie’s thinking about applying to a college halfway across the country, and I’m really proud of her and wish her nothing but the best  because she deserves the best, but I miss her, I miss talking to her, I miss going on dates with her, but she’s so busy studying that I’ve been seeing less and less of her since fall, and don’t even get me started on the gems, they think they know everything about me just because they’ve raised me my entire life, but-”

He’s suddenly cut off by the sound of Spinel laughing hysterically. Steven blushes heavily, and turns to her to see her wiping tears from her eyes. 

“Wow,” she bellows, barely trying to keep the laughter out of her voice. “Talk about irony” 

“Huh? What’s so funny?” Steven’s voice squeaks in embarrassment.

“You.” She replies, wiping tears from her eyes. “You sang this big inspirational number to me about changing for good this, and change is for the best that, and all that talk about how you need to embrace the bad change before you can earn the good, and now you’re coming to me about it?” 

Steven blinks. “I...don’t think I ever said that last part”

“Eh, you implied it” Spinel shrugs. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you’ve been through all of this dramatic change before and came out of it just fine, why is this any different?” 

Well that’s a pretty stupid question. “Didn’t you hear anything I said?” Steven scoffs. “It’s different because all of my friends are changing. They’re all moving on with their lives. I don’t have that option”

Spinel shrugs. “Well, why don’t you?” 

“Why don’t I what?”

“Why don’t you have that option?”

Steven blinks. “I don’t follow”. 

Spinel snorts. “You’re the one who told me that nobody could change how I felt except me, right? By that very same logic you told me, isn’t that true about you? Nobody can change how you feel either, Universe. If everyone is moving too fast for you, it isn’t up to them to tell you what pace you should be moving at. It’s not up to them how you work through your feelings about processing all this stuff”. 

“That...doesn’t seem like very sound advice coming from someone who tried to ‘process’ her feelings by trying to kill the earth”

“That’s not my point! My point is that I came to my senses on my own terms. I burnt myself out on anger and then I let myself begin to move on. If I’d forced myself to move on earlier, I neva’ would’ve stopped being angry. I coulda’ taken it out on the diamonds if I wasn’t careful.” She snorts, and takes a small step closer to him and places a hand on his shoulder. “The point is that I know betta than most what it feels like when everyone’s moving on without ya. S’matter of fact, I probably know betta than everyone what that’s like. And I also know that if you don’t take things at your own pace, or if you just leave things the way are, you’ll end up in a much worse place. If I’d left things be, I’d still be stuck in that gemforsaken garden, and if I hadn’t burnt myself out and let the planet die, I’d just be stuck on a dead Earth. If ya keep forcing yourself to change to keep up with your friends, you’re just gonna end up stuck somewhere too”. 

...She does have a point, but…

“What about my friends? I’m just supposed to...let them go? I just have to sit around and watch them move on without me?” 

“Well, have they let you go yet?”

“What do you mean? Lars just left for space the other day.”

Spinel shakes her head. “I mean, your friends who are leaving, did they say goodbye? Did they let you know they were leaving?” 

“Well, yeah, but-” 

“Then they haven’t left you behind. Pink never said goodbye to me, Steven. She never told me where she was going. This Lars person, whoever he is, telling you he’s going to space, that’s more than Pink ever told me about Earth. I may not know as much as I think I do about friendship, Steven, but friends come back. Look at you,” she gestures vaguely towards him with a hand. “I left with the diamonds seemingly “forever”, and you still came back.” She smirks. “And I’m guessing this Connie girl was the one I saw talking to you on Earth? She couldn’t keep her hands off of you, Universe, I wouldn’t worry about her ever leaving you behind, even if she does move halfway across the galaxy or whatever it was you said to me”.

Steven blushes. “Country”, he corrects. 

“Whatever. Point is, Universe, if your friends really are your friends, then they won’t leave you behind when they go through some big exciting change. They’ll take you with them, even if it’s only in spirit” 

Steven snorts.  “And since when are you such an expert on friendship?” 

Spinel smiles upon catching onto the playful nature of his tone, and reaches into her pocket and pulls out a diamond communication device. She smiles at it, fiddling with it in her hands. “As much as you say they’re hard to get along with, my time with the diamonds really has given me a new perspective on friendship.” She offers the communication device out to him, and he takes it from her. “They gave this to me when we got back from Earth. They told me that if I ever got lonely all I’d need to do was twist this device in my hands and they’d be there for me, no matter where they were in the galaxy.” 

She takes it back from him. “They taught me to love again, Steven. They taught me that if someone loves you, they aren’t going to run out on you. If they’re going too fast for you, they’ll slow down and wait for you to catch up so they can walk beside you”. 

Steven laughs. “I’m starting to think they taught you more than I know, Spinel” 

She laughs. “Me? More knowledgeable than Steven Universe, best friend of the galaxy?”  She brings a hand to her gem. “I’m honored”. 

Steven laughs again, but before he can say anything else, his phone starts buzzing in his pocket. He pulls it out, and Spinel stretches her head over his shoulder to read the caller I.D. on the screen. 

Connie.

“See? What’d I tell ya?” she grins at him, and gives him thumbs up. He rolls his eyes at her, and leaps from White’s throne and gently floats to the ground so he can have a bit more privacy. 

“Hello?”

“Steven?” Connie’s panicked voice replies. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry I missed your calls, I was going to call back as soon as I finished studying for the night, and then my parents took me out for a movie and I forgot, and-”

Steven chuckles. “Woah, whoa, Connie. It’s okay. Everything’s okay” he says, and begins to head towards the warp pad to go back home where the reception is decidedly better.  Just as he’s about to warp back out, he turns around to face White’s throne one last time. Spinel, still standing where she had been moments ago, stretches an arm into the air to wave goodbye. 

“Actually,” Steven admits as the warp stream begins to encompass him. “Everything’s not okay.” 

[bigskydreaming]

I really encourage people who have legitimate gripes with something I say or express on here to like.....either just DM, @ me directly or if you’re going to pop into my inbox to debate something with me, like, do so off anon, even if you ask that I don’t publish your ask and just respond to you in private. I always abide by that if people ask me to do that, and I’m 10000x more likely to treat your complaint or disagreement with dignity even if I completely disagree with it, than like....if you go on anon with it. 

Because dunno if you’ve noticed, lol, but there’s kinda a tendency with people who pick fights with me on anon or who @ me in general with some form of “LOL I can’t believe you’re so dumb as to believe this thing [that you don’t actually believe or else is not at all actually what I’m framing it as being],” to like.....only really do so in an attempt to trip me up, expose me as a hypocrite or pull some kind of ‘Gotcha!’ So, realistically, it just is not possible for me to give most anons who disagree with me the benefit of the doubt or for me to assume they’re at least coming from a place of actual honest disagreement rather than just....playing games, which I fucking despise and I refuse to respond to with respect. 

I sound ridiculous in nine out of ten of my over the top responses to people giving me shit, because of...deliberate intent on my part. *Shrugs* Because I personally consider it to be extremely ridiculous, how often I have people trying to poke holes in things I say, by.....poking at stuff I never even say, lol. 

I don’t actually always believe I’m right about everything, but I fully understand how my tone can convey that I do think that in a lot of these back-and-forths, because.....the one thing I do pretty much always think I’m right about is what it is I’m actually saying or believe. And thus, I really do not care for people trying to tell me I said otherwise, when I have a looooot of proof to point to how even when I’m being like, King Ridiculous in how I say or phrase something....nobody ever seems to have trouble comprehending my points on pretty much any topic across the board......until it happens to be a point I make on a matter they take issue with.

So just a general PSA, do with it what you will, but like. I’m just saying: 

I know I’m contentious, and I don’t actually want people to just automatically 100% take everything I say as fact or just never disagree with me, since that’s like....the polar opposite of pretty much my entire belief system or view of life and how to go through it lol. 

Buuuuut it honestly is exhausting constantly being hit up by people in bad faith, and who prove over and over again that they are perfectly comfortable saying or doing anything with no loyalty to even their own arguments, as long as it nets them a ‘win’ in arguing with me for the sake of arguing or whatever the fuck their motivation might be, I honestly do not care, lol. And I’m just......long past assuming that someone who is approaching me on anon to argue or contest something I’ve said or a position I’ve taken, is doing so in good faith instead of just as part of a twelve step plan wherein they disingenuously go about trying to lay some kind of convoluted ‘trap’ to lure me into. As though any of this is worth that fucking effort in the first place. LOL.

So by all means, disagree with me, contest me, put the screws to something I say and force me to defend my point further.....but like.....just be fucking honest about it. Or be willing to put your URL/name to it when doing so, even if you ask that I keep it out of public view, so that at least I know you’re not one of my half a dozen hate-following Regulars who habitually pop up on anon pretending to be someone brand new until three messages later when they’re like “Surprise! You thought I was just some rando, but here I am with the same receipts I’ve been claiming to have for the past half a decade!” (Oh no, much shock, mortification, oh unknowable plot twist, who could have ever seen that coming). LOL, y’know what I mean? Like, if you’re off anon or if you at least @ me with something approaching at least SOME modicum of respect, I’m soooooo much more likely to not just dismiss anything and everything you say from the word go, just because the sheer novelty of that approach is gonna be more engaging to me than, like, Me Vs Some Rando Whose Opening Gambit Is “Well Actually.....*proceeds to argue against points several galactic light years north of anything I’ve ever actually said ever*”: Round Fifty Two Bajillion. 

Like yeah, I’m rude as fuck in a lot of the arguments I get into on here, because I’m not a big fan of turning the other cheek and also I’m not gonna gloss over the ugly in something someone says just because they couch it in ‘civilized, well-mannered discourse.’ So I’m not at all offering some carte blanche guarantee or a secret password for how to go about saying something vile to my face without me responding by verbally ripping your head off, lol, I just mean like.....you ever have some free time to kill, go back through my archives to my earliest posts on this site. You can literally WATCH the slow expiration of my Give-A-Fucks in real time. I usually position myself to be the Reactive part of an argument on this site deliberately.....I don’t go starting things unless I’m weighing in on something that crosses my dash and already is looking ugly as hell, and for the most part, 90% of the fights I get into on this site are people approaching me to begin it, and y’know.....I don’t owe it to anyone to treat them or their position with more respect than they approach me with. LOL. And also, I don’t owe it to my own reading comprehension or that of anyone else who is similarly not an idiot to treat the ‘faux-respect/politeness’ people are addicted to on here as anything other than rudeness couched in the additional insult of assuming I and others are too stupid to see the subtextual disdain. Like. Nope. Miss me.

Bottom line is just, I’m not looking to be yet one more person giving people who are legitimately questioning things they’ve been told or led to believe, like, reason to be too intimidated or afraid to actually question these things rather than just keep to their personal status quo in an effort to avoid confrontation. But I’m always going to be trying to balance that with being equally not a fan of enabling people who play-act at being too fragile or delicate to face up to their own behavior or the ugliness of their own opinions or stances if its delivered to them in ways that inspire them to cry-type about how like, its not their fault society told them it was okay to shit on entire groups of people as long as they could safely get away with it.

There’s a line there and I’m no tight-rope walker so no, I don’t have all the answers and am not actually trying to pretend I do, and believe it or not, I put a lot of thought and introspection into constantly self-evaluating not just my own stances and beliefs, but the why’s of them, and the how’s of how I go about interacting with others because of them, or talking about them, or anything of the like.

But because I do put a lot of effort into that myself, I am aware of like....there not really being an excuse for others not being similarly willing to do the same with their own behavior, beliefs or approaches to others, so.....meet me halfway, is all this really comes down to. To anyone who genuinely does find themselves at odds with things I say or troubled by viewpoints I espouse or even just flat out confused as to how to reconcile something I brought up with contradictory beliefs they’ve long held or been instilled with and are just trying to figure out which actually sounds more right to them now.

I do not want to be the bogeyman who is just so intimidating that even when he says something that makes you go ‘huh, maybe this thing I thought was wrong, but I’m not sure,’ you’re afraid to follow-up and explore that further in a back-and-forth with me. But I’m similarly disinclined to be used as the strawman/patsy/etc of people who are just interested in trying to manuever me into some conversational position they feel they can use to discredit me in front of their own followers and thus cement their own bullshit position that way. 

I just happen to get a lot of the latter, and that kinda plays directly into why I so often end up defaulting to the former. That’s not actually an excuse and so its more than fair for anyone to think that’s no reason to change their mind about me, a thing I’ve said or a way I’ve said it. But if fair is actually a thing you’re interested in, then please consider factoring all of the above in when deciding how or why or in what ways you approach an argument or disagreement with me, if you find yourself inclined to do so in the future. 

I would appreciate it, and even more importantly, I promise you it will be far more productive in encouraging me to actually argue or debate a point with you. As opposed to just making light of anything you say to me, much like I feel most approaches to me make light of the things I say, and thus.....my tendency to default to variations of LOL, you got some dumb on your face there buddy.

ANYWAYS.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter,

The Extremely Tired and Over It Management

[jawnjendes]

kiss me | shawn mendes

university au its suMMER, shawn x goth gf/oc

AN: what would yall say if i was almost done with this series but not with this couple? what if the next chapter was like uuuuuuhhhhhhh a season finale or sumn? anyways let me know if u wanna be added to the taglist

masterlist | playlist

"Kiss me," I said to Shawn, placing my arm on top of the couch cushion so I could look at him.

He was mindlessly playing guitar, a sight that brought me some peace of mind. He returned my gaze, still strumming for a second, and then he stopped. Then, he leaned forward and quickly pecked my lips before returning to his previous task.

I mean, I got what I wanted, but I didn't. Typically a peck would turn into another peck, and that would turn into a deep kiss. Then Shawn would put is his guitar down, wrap his arms around my waist, and pin me to the couch. Or he would simply carry me to his bedroom. It was a thing we had going on, and it always started with those two simple words. That was where my mind spiraled in the thirty seconds I spent staring at him play guitar like nothing happened.

I made a whiney noise. I never made whiney noises.

"Hmm?" His noise was almost imitating mine, and he was amused.

"Kiss me more," I said, reaching up to stroke his hair. My fingers went down to his earlobe, and then the side of his neck. I knew he liked little touches like that, he just had to take the bait.

To my surprise, Shawn tilted his head away. "I'm kind of onto something right now."

I only felt a blow to my stomach because he hadn't been working on anything in the time he had been sitting on the couch. He was just strumming whatever came to mind. But I let it go for now, and I kept my hands to myself.

Don't get me wrong, I was so beyond grateful that Shawn let me move in with him and looked after me while I recovered from my surgery. I was just upset that all this stuff hit while we were smack in the middle of the lovesick phase. Things like sickness and major life disruptions are ugly and have the potential to pop the wonderful lovesick bubble and tear apart perfectly good relationships, or in this case, the only good relationship I've ever had. I was in the hospital for a week and a half, for something that's relatively common. No one ever said there would be things to mentally face after.

We weren't torn apart, but there was a bend somewhere between us.

I didn't know how to segue into a serious conversation, so I didn't bother to sugar coat it. "I'm gonna open up about something, okay?"

That caught Shawn's attention. He set his guitar down so it was leaning on the arm of the couch. He shifted his whole body towards me, indicating that he was listening.

"It's… it's been a while since we've had sex," I started. "And, I understand why. I was physically unable to for a while, and then we had a lot of visitors here, so we didn't have any alone time. We're tired all the time because of work and…" I paused. I didn't want to put any blame on Shawn about his nightmares. "Point is, I'm okay now. The incisions healed perfectly. And… I miss that part of us."

Shawn nodded and considered my words. "Is sex the only reason why you decided to open up now?"

Another blow. I just may need another surgery! "It's not just that… things feel weird between us. We used to talk more."

For some reason, he smiled. Then he reached for his guitar again. "Tables have turned, eh?"

Just punch me in the face instead!

~

I was careful not to try anything that Shawn wasn't comfortable with over the next twenty four hours. I kept my hands to myself, and I didn't ask for any kisses. Although, I was secretly hoping one of us would have to leave somewhere so that way I could get a simple goodbye kiss, but alas. Our weekend off was going to be mundane.

It was interesting that Shawn moved closer to me on the couch when I specifically kept a sizable distance between us. He put his arm around me as we watched one of the Harry Potter movies, but I couldn't focus on the TV. My mind kept going back to riding Shawn on this couch, or both of us being so hot we'd end up on the floor. My skin felt tingly just by how he played with strands of my hair while he had his arm around me. His fingers would occasionally graze the side of my jaw, and it left a trail of fire.

I lied my head on his shoulder, only to have the smell of his cologne dance under my nose. My arm went around his middle, giving him a random hug. He rubbed my back in response, but he was still focused on the movie.

He surprised me once it was over. "I thought about what you said yesterday…"

"Oh?"

"You're right. It's been two months too long since anything's happened between us," he continued. "And I miss it too. I miss feeling that close to you."

A mix of relief and excitement washed over me. So I wasn't overreacting. I wasn't coming off too strong.

"You don't have to agree to anything if you don't want to," I told him. "It's - uh, I want us both to have fun."

He smiled and rubbed my cheek with his thumb. "It's always fun with you."

My face immediately went hot, and I leaned in to properly kiss him. Shawn leaned in as well, and the seconds slowed down. My heart was pounding more and more the closer we got, it reminded me so much of our first kiss. The nerves were there, the tense silence was deafening. Inadvertently staying true to the event of our first kiss, I suddenly leaned back.

"Should we go to the room?" I asked, my voice wavering just a little.

"Yeah. Yeah, good idea," Shawn said. He stood up, and I followed him into the room.

My eyes trailed over to the unmade bed as I gingerly approached it. The only things that happened under these blue sheets lately were depression naps and nightmares. I wanted that to change tonight. I wanted to replace the bad memories with good ones.

Shawn closed the door and walked over to where I stood. He rubbed his hands on his gym shorts, and he looked at my face. We reach for each other's hands at the same time, but it felt more staged and awkward than anything else, so we both left our hands at our sides.

"I just got nervous all of a sudden," he admitted.

"Me too." I chuckled. "Like, first date jitters, but not…?"

"Exactly like first date jitters. Okay…"

Shawn put his hands up again, looking at me like he didn't know what to do next. I took half a step closer to him, and that made him place his hands on my shoulders. It was such a timid move, and so different as well. Normally, he would cup my face or wrap his arms around my waist. I had never seen him hold back like this.

"Kiss me," I said softly, looking him in the eyes.

I gently took his wrists as he closed the distance between us. Our lips met in a soft touch, hesitant even. I missed the simple act of kissing him so much that I would be content with just doing this all night. However, it only lasted about five seconds before Shawn stepped back, head facing the floor.

"I'm sorry, honey…"

My stomach sank a little, and my throat stung a lot, but I swallowed the gut wrenching feeling of rejection. I took a deep breath while Shawn wasn't looking, and then I stepped towards him again.

"It's okay, really," I reassured, keeping my voice even. "We don't have to do anything you don't wanna do."

~

The following day, when I had gotten out of the shower, I found myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. More specifically, I was looking at the little round scars on my belly.

Three of them were little dots on the left side of my abdomen, almost invisible to the eye. It was a benefit of having a laparoscopic surgery; Less pain and a quick recovery. However, the other two scars were 3 inch lines below my belly button, practically one large line if you didn't focus on it. That was where the complications were dealt with, and that was what kept me from going home.

I dealt with that setback, and now I was okay with staying here at Shawn's until the next semester began. Sure, there was some tension and arguing in the process, but we were past it. I was making peace with this whole ordeal. I was going to be home for Christmas. Probably.

Looking at my scars in the mirror planted an unpleasant seed in my mind. I realized that Shawn didn't touch me as often as he normally did. Even after my doctor cleared me for all physical activity, Shawn kept a distance. He was in a state where he normally would have liked to lay his head on my chest while I played with his hair, but these days, I was lucky if he put his arm around my shoulders. Was he avoiding my torso altogether, or was I just going crazy? Were my scars ugly to him, or was I losing my mind?

That thought alone struck something in my chest. I quickly got dressed in my tiny black shorts and baggy black tee, trying not to look at my reflection again. I tried to reassure myself that I still looked cute in my pajamas, scars or not. I wasn't one for depending on a man's approval of my appearance, but this was my mans.

It's still pathetic, a voice in my head grumbled. You used to be a bad bitch with no fucks to give before he came along. Look what he's done to you.

I didn't want to feel inadequate or unattractive, but it was setting heavily on my shoulders. I didn't want to think about the idea of my boyfriend being repulsed by my body, but it was demanding to be felt. I didn't want to think about how Shawn could easily walk out the door, into a bar, and find some random girl…

"Why is that familiar?" I whispered.

I checked the time on my phone. Shawn should be off work already. He should be on his way home now.

I padded into the living room with intent to play on my Switch to distract myself. I booted up Tetris 99, the fun upbeat music filling up the room from the TV. However, my ears were stuck on listening to the front door unlock. My eyes didn't blink once as I stacked shapes on top of one another to clear lines. Still, there was that tiny whisper in the back of my mind wondering what the hell was taking my boyfriend so goddamn long.

The game ended when I couldn't stack efficiently anymore. I ranked number twenty nine, and I couldn't even be upset at how unfair the game was. I closed the game and went to open Breath of the Wild, but I already knew it wasn't going to distract me. I remained still, controller in my hand - the controller Shawn had gifted me - just waiting for any sound that indicated he was home. I definitely couldn't text him, because it was very unlike me to be waiting on him all the time. I was not the controlling girlfriend who constantly needed tabs on where her boyfriend was every minute, but so help me god if he wasn't home in the next few minutes…

My shoulders dropped and relaxed when I heard the familiar sound of the lock jiggling. Then, I looked at the time on my phone. 5:47PM. That's interesting.

"You in the mood for pasta?" Shawn's voice came from the hallway. "That's all I got for today."

He stepped into the living room and sat next to me on the couch, like he did every day. As always, he kissed my cheek and then leaned over to the coffee table to place the to-go bag on the surface. Words came up before I could stop them.

"Do you think I'm ugly?" Oh god, it wasn't supposed to come out like that. That was not the question I was supposed to ask.

Shawn was just as surprised as I was. His head swiftly turned to me, brows furrowed, but he also chuckled in disbelief. "What?"

My face began to heat up. This got embarrassing in record time. "I have scars now, and I think they're kind of badass. But you won't even look at me if I change in the same room as you. And you haven't had your hands on me in weeks. I'm just confused…" And my insecurity grows by the second. It's kind of scaring me.

"I think you're as beautiful as ever," he told me, taking my hand. "And I'm sorry I've been less… touchy. I really didn't think you'd have a problem with it, since you're not the touchy type."

"Well…" I trailed off, but he was right. He was right, and I felt attacked. But he was wrong at the same time. "Yeah, yeah. I guess."

"And aside from that," Shawn continued as he casually grabbed the box of pasta from the table, "I wouldn't wanna disturb your wounds. Don't wanna make anything worse."

I tilted my head. "You won't. I've been cleared for physical activity for weeks now. I mean, we can go slow and gentle if you want."

"I don't wanna hurt you again."

His words rang in the room. The TV was on, but I couldn't even hear the sounds anymore. I could only stare with my mouth open, eyes wide like that stupid emoji.

Shawn met my gaze, so he elaborated. "Do you remember the last time we had sex? You literally cried out in pain, and you pushed me away, and you told me to shut up when I tried to help you. And you spent the whole night in the bathroom. I knew you weren't feeling well, and I still talked you into getting into bed with me. I shouldn't have convinced you to spend the night, I should have just let you deal with your stuff on your own."

Just when I thought I couldn't feel worse about the big picture, I was met with that gross tightness in my chest yet again. That explained a lot of his distant behavior. But to know he carried all this guilt because of the way I acted shattered me to pieces.

"No," I said in a tone that matched the expression on my face. "No, it wasn't because of you. I was already in pain before we did anything. I felt pain when we were leaving the movie theater that night. You didn't do anything, not a single thing."

“But you said-”

“I say stupid things when I’m in pain. And, and I told you that night, I deal with my digestive crap on my own, so I wasn’t used to someone trying to help. I’m sorry if you thought you did something wrong. You didn’t.”

“I didn’t?” he asked softly, looking at me with big, sad eyes.

“You didn’t.”

Shawn’s sad brown eyes flickered down to my stomach. He had his mouth open like he wanted to say something, but it came out timidly. “You’re so fragile now. I feel like I’ll break you if I touch you the wrong way.”

“Hey.” I got to my feet and stood directly in front of him. Then, I held out my hand, giving him an expectant look.

He hesitated. He hesitated to simply hold my hand. But he did it. I felt sparks where our skin met, and it traveled up my arm. At least there was still something there.

“You trust me, right?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah. Yes. I trust you.”

That was all I needed in order to lift up my shirt, lower my sweatpants an inch, and place Shawn’s big hand over my scars. He gasped at first, nearly retracting, but he stared at the placement for a second. His thumb ran over the three little dots on my left side, and he slowly moved his fingers down to the more prominent lines below my belly button. It made my skin tingle, and reignited fires that had long since been put out.

His brows scrunched like he was focusing on my scars, but he took a deep breath as the pink patches in his cheeks began to flare up. Honestly, I couldn’t really blame him. Neither of us had touched or been touched in weeks. We were practically starving.

“Look, I’m all healed and better now,” I told him. “I’m not fragile, and I’m certainly not weak. I’m a strong lady. And you’re a strong guy. We’re strong together. And you did everything right. And I’m sorry I’ve stressed you out over all of this. I, I didn’t mean to place the entire burden on you.”

Shawn considered my words and nodded. He was still looking at my stomach, tracing his first two fingers over the biggest scar. “I’d do it all again. I’d do anything for you.” Then he tilted his head up towards my face, his brown eyes boring into mine. “You know that, right? I’ll bear any burden for you.”

“I’d do the same for you,” I said, my voice barely a whisper. I cupped his face affectionately, and I leaned down to kiss him on the forehead.

This was way more intimate than any sex we’ve ever had. That was all I knew.

"I have trust issues, and silence makes me crazy," I reminded him. "We can't not talk to each other."

He nodded and brought a hand up to my wrist. "Okay."

~

Things felt just a little weird the next morning. It almost felt like the morning after I spent the night for the first time, except I wasn’t overwhelmed with the urge to run away, and there was no cuddling. Besides, we slept with reasonable space between us when I didn’t have to wake Shawn from another nightmare. I only had to wake him up twice during the night, so we had a less difficult time getting up for work than usual. We got ready in a not-so-awkward silence (apart from the soft music Shawn played from his phone), kissed goodbye, and went our separate ways.

I didn’t get a follow up on his thoughts on putting his hand on me for the first time in two months. I felt it was something you probably shouldn’t talk about through text over your lunch break. Shawn didn’t text me either, unless it was to send a picture of a flower he thought was really cool. It was like we didn’t have a breakthrough the previous night. Would that even be called a breakthrough? I had to initiate the touching of my scars, after all.

As usual, I got home from work after he did. He already had food spread out on the coffee table. Today, I had texted him that I could have something other than bland rice or pasta, so he came through with Chinese. I chowed down on combination fried rice, nearly bursting into tears over how much I missed flavorful food. We watched Austin Powers on Netflix and caught each other up to speed on our work days. Shawn mentioned that he was going over to the studio tomorrow to write and record new songs, and my heart nearly stopped.

“You’re writing again?” I said in pleasant disbelief.

“I never really stopped,” he replied. “I just took a bit of a break with everything going on. You can come too, if you want.”

I smiled. “Really? I won’t be in the way?”

He shook his head, mildly amused. “You’re never in the way. I love having you around, even if you’re sitting quietly and playing the Switch.”

We cuddled on the couch after we ate and finished our movie in a good kind of silence. It felt good, like a bit of the old puppy love phase was returning. I mean, I felt giddy lying on his chest and hearing his heartbeat, I just couldn’t tell if he was into it too. It was such a nice moment, I didn’t want to ask for fear of tainting it. I had to savor the soft moments, considering that lately things have been anything but.

After the movie, I went to shower and get ready for bed. It was nine o’clock in the middle of the week, and I was exhausted. Not only that, Shawn had to put himself on a stricter sleep schedule in order to properly combat the night terrors, so we both went to bed and woke up at the same time. Well, I tried to, but Shawn needed to.

It was practically a routine now for me to come out of the bathroom, lie down next to an unfairly topless Shawn, and for him to turn off the lamp on the nightstand. I completed the first two tasks, but the light hadn’t gone off yet. I shifted onto my side (a small thing I had missed doing for weeks) and looked up at him. He was sitting up against the headboard, scrolling through his phone. I poked his arm gently.

“Time for bed, my dear,” I reminded him.

Shawn looked down at me, a small smile on his pretty face. He put his phone down and then lied down facing me. The light was still on. “What would I do without you?”

“Let’s hope we never find out,” I replied. “Now turn off the light so you can sleep.���

“In a minute,” he said, reaching over to move a strand of hair from my face. “I wanna try something.”

“I - what?”

Delicately, Shawn pushed on my shoulder to get me onto my back. Then, he scooted closer and propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at me with an expression I couldn’t quite read. Since when was he the mysterious one in this relationship?

“Can I touch your scars again?” he asked, his voice low.

My heartbeat sped up almost immediately. I nodded a little too quickly, and was about to lift up my shirt but he beat me to it.

His hand went over my entire abdomen, not just the scars. He moved slowly, and a tingling sensation was left behind wherever his fingers roamed. I wiggled my toes from under the blanket, hoping Shawn wouldn’t notice just how much a simple touch could control my entire body. I was so deprived of skin on skin contact that I would probably combust from this alone.

After a minute of tensely quiet touching, Shawn removed his hand. However, before I could catch my breath, he dipped his head down and pressed his lips onto one of the little dots on my abdomen. The sound and feeling of soft suction heated up my entire face, so much I had to bring my hand up to mask how red I was getting. He did it again on the two other dots underneath the first, and then he was nosing his way down to the vertical line under my belly button. Surely he had to know how close he was to the most intimate part of my body. He wasn’t just being overly affectionate and chaste, right?

He picked his head up again, meeting my eyes. He was smiling now, and it was the charming, boyish smile I loved so much but would never dare speak of. His face looked innocent, like he wasn’t close to anything dangerous and exhilarating. The tone of his next question matched this facade, but the words were something else.

“Can I go lower?”

“Ah - yes,” I answered too quickly, but it was coherent enough for him to continue.

Soft kisses trailed down the vertical scar, and then his lips met the hem of my boring purple granny panties. Shawn moved just a little lower, planting a deeper kiss on the mound, just above where I wanted him to touch me. Another kiss went on my hip bone, and then at the crease of my thigh and groin. Then his hand was on my inner thigh, nudging me to spread my legs.

“Need the open space, honey,” he told me, hovering over me and slotting our legs together.

Even with our thighs touching this close, he was still a centimeter away from where I needed him. And oh god, did I need him. I was panting with want and need.

My hand was still covering my mouth, hiding the blush on my cheeks and the fact that I was chewing furiously on my bottom lip. Shawn was looking down at me with what I could only describe as bedroom eyes. Narrowed just a little bit, accompanied by a cheeky grin and a quirk of his eyebrows. My heart was close to bursting, I almost couldn’t take it.

“Hey,” he said softly, taking my hand and unshielding my face. Then he lowered himself down so our foreheads pressed together gently, and my breath hitched.

My hands went up his abs and around his lower back, fingers curling into the firm muscles. My body felt like it was vibrating at incredible speed. I shut my eyes and tried to focus on the simple touches, but my entire world imploded when Shawn spoke once more.

“Kiss me.”

_____

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi

[crazylivingx]

me expressing my love for love yourself: answer

it’s only been 3 days into 2019 and i’ve been emo about love yourself: answer because i recently bought the album in korea and their lyricism makes me want to cry pls ignore this if you don’t wanna read about my feelings towards the solo songs released throughout the love yourself era because the pure genius and passion put into this project is truly astounding yalls pls love yourselves this is also really personal you’ve been warned (also apologies if i’ve made any grammatical errors lmao)

*i’m going by the ly: answer sequence

(as im writing this in my language and literature class my lecturer goes “my daughter loves bts” and cue my friend and i shouting the member’s names to guess his daughter’s bias and its jhope like wow we stan a jhope stan he said she thinks he “has such a blinding smile’ and thats honestly the biggest mood)

euphoria

this song is innocent af when i first heard it i knew it was a bopping bop the synths in the chorus can kick me to switzerland i barely even remember what the video was about all i remember is jungkook and that yellow jacket lmao his vocal runs when he sings “won’t you please stay in dreams” is just heavenly it honestly feels like i’m floating through the clouds with this song this song can convert people who don’t like good songs with synths bet i can’t imagine anyone other than jungkook singing this song tbh if you get an s.o. i hope you experience this song

favourite line (i know it’s not a singular line pls bear with me):

You’re the sun that rose again in my life

A reincarnation of my childhood dreams

I don’t know what these emotions are

Am I still dreaming?

This dream is a blue mirage in the desert

A priori deep inside of me

I’m so happy, I can’t breathe

My surroundings are getting more and more transparent

I hear the far-away ocean

Across the dream, over the horizon

I’m going to the place that’s getting clearer

Take my hands now

You are the cause of my euphoria

trivia 起 just dance

this whole song shows how much jhope loves dancing and it’s so sweet??? wanting to dance with your partner under the moonlight and slowly falling in love???? the song just screams jhope especially with the chorus you can just imAGiNe him dancing like he has no bones because he DoeSn’T,,,, it has a synthetic feel but it also feels really passionate and human like jhope can #getit we stan a multitalented man the lyrics in this song is probably the lightest but it’s still fun and easy to understand and listen to

favourite line (yea i know it’s like an entire verse but i love their lyrics okay):

In my muddy life

You were like a single stem flower

Even this suffocating studio

If we’re together, turns into paradise

My dreams that once had no answer

Now becomes something we can relate to

Because our rhythm is matching

Because we have our dance, it’s a fate-like beat

serendipity

i remember covering my screams when the mv for this song came out before dna was released and my mom instantly knew what was up lmao this song was kind of my style of music with the #chillvibes it gave out but the chill-ness of the song didn’t make forgettable i’ve played this song in the car before and now my dad can recognize it lol even khalid liked it you go you funky little chimchim,,, i never really paid attention to the lyrics in this song but it sounds really innocent and possessive at the same time lmao i’ll give bts the benefit of the doubt (i also prefer the short version over the full length version don’t kill me)

favourite line (at least these are lines. i know i said line not lines let me live):

As much as my heart flutters, I’m worried

Destiny is jealous of us

//

Since the creation of the universe

Everything was destined

Just let me love you

trivia 承 love

this song man. namjoon. the piano chords in the beginning is what gives me life. the moment i heard them i instantly knew this was going to be a fave. i love the slight discordance no matter what i will instantly start bopping to it because it’s such a bop that you HAVE to bop along with it. rm loves wordplay in his lyrics, and when it crosses with his intellect something beautiful emerges. this song feels like a flower i love the melody of chords like the chords sold me immediately. and then after i was sold the lyrics stabbed me. there is no escape.

favourite line (god where do i begin):

I live so I love

//

I'm just a human, human, human (the ㅁ in 사람 saram which means human)

You erode all my corners

And make me into love, love, love (becomes ㅇin 사랑 sarang which means love)

We're humans, humans, humans

In that myriad of straight lines

My love, love, love

When you sit on top of it and you become my heart (if the ㅇ the word 사랑 is squished, it’ll look like a heart ♡)

//

You make I to an O

I to an O

Because of you

I know why human (saram) and love (sarang) sound similar

You make live to a love

Live to a love

Because of you

I know why a person should live by love

//

It's a long way from I to U

Fuck, JKLMNOPQRST

I crossed all the letters and I reached you 

(i really suggest going to genius’s website to fully understand the song if you want to)

singularity

kim taehyung better square up because i would buy burger king and fight him in the parking lot because he stole my toenail,,,, bighit released this song while i was in hell aka university and bOY was i hshshshhshdhdh <— thats the best way i can describe my feelings,,, like he made my tears flow upwards or something the music video was aMAZING and i was shooketh ihatehimsmjkidontbutyouknowwhatimean back to the song - serendipity was also pretty chill but in a darker way and i love it as well. to me the lyrics mirror fake love because it portrays how walking on thin ice feels and how you’ll lose your own voice just to suffer to make sure the person you love will continue loving you (the lyrics are also really slow so it made it easy for me to read the lyrics in karaoke lmao) singularity was a goddamn package for me the mv, the performance and v himself just hshshshshs when i listen to this song i feel like i’m lying down on a giant leaf floating on a clear pond watching a dim but twinkling meteor shower with giant water flowers surrounding me and fireflies are swaying along with wisps of smoke and this is getting too long winded i’ll stop here as i’m writing this i just remembered namjoon wrote this song in one shot after having surgery what a mans

favourite line (its long but it doesn’t feel complete if i break it up):

A thick ice has formed

In the dream I shortly went into

My agonizing phantom pain is still the same

Have I lost myself

Or have I gained you

I suddenly run to the lake

There’s my face in it

Please don’t say anything

Reach my hand out to cover the mouth

But in the end, spring will come someday

The ice will melt and flow away

Tell me if my voice isn’t real

trivia 轉 seesaw

oh boy. suga. min yoongi. this has been said before but the use of seesaw as a metaphor for a dying/toxic relationship is truly artistic and clever. the way he describes it in his lyrics creates a really clear picture of what’s happening. how if one person gets off a seesaw the other will get hurt as they’ll start to fall to the ground, how neither wants to get off because they know they’ll hurt whoever’s on the other side, and how staying or leaving this “repeated seesaw game” will hurt the both of them no matter what choice they choose. i’ll let the lyrics speak for themselves. (suga singing and dancing was also a pleasant surprise i fell on the floor)

favourite line (get ready i’m about to put like 80% of the song in here the lyrics is a masterpiece):

Repeated seesaw game

I'm tired of this

Repeated seesaw game

We're getting tired of each other

Were the petty arguments the start?

The moment I became heavier than you

Because there's never been parallels in the first place

Maybe I became more greedy and tried to fit in with you

Is there really a need to keep repeating ourselves

Saying this was love and this is love?

They're tired of each other, they seem to hold the same hand

//

People can be so crafty

They know they’ll get hurt if one person is missing

Because we don't want to be the villains

In the midst of a series of vague responsibilities

And we get so tired or if that we finally became parallel

But we didn’t want this kind of parallel

At first, we showed off who was heavier

We'd brag and smile

Now we're trying to beat each other

We're in a competition

The fire of a quarrel

It’ll only end if someone gets off right here

We’re acting like we’re comforting each other

But it’s mixed with thorns

Can’t keep doing this, we need to make a decision

//

(Hol' up Hol' up) I walk on this seesaw without you

(Hol' up Hol' up) Just like the beginning when you weren't here

(Hol' up Hol' up) I walk on this seesaw without you

(Hol' up Hol' up) I'm getting off this seesaw without you

(like trivia 承 love, you can read more about the song on genius’s website)

epiphany

stream epiphany. our boy kim seokjin’s vocals have truly improved huh. this to me felt like a response to awake (you can fLY JIN) and i applaud bighit for giving him this song. he finally gets the recognition and lines he deserves smh. you really feel like a proud parent when you watch the fancams throughout the love yourself tour and hear how his voice improves after each performance. the song is also kind of the ‘final act’ to all the solos in ly: answer and they finally get to spread their message of “its hard to love yourself, but that’s why you should so you can love others as well”. after becoming the shell of what you once were, the only way you can fill it up again is to love yourself, and that’s my pov of the whole point of the song. i’m gonna be honest i wasn’t really into this song in the beginning but i started to fall in love with it after a few listens (i listened to it sm that when i was downloading the ly: answer album i forgot to add epiphany cause i was streaming it LMAO)

favourite line (i know they’re verses as well hshdhds):

I’m the one I should love in this world

Shining me, precious soul of mine

I finally realized so I love me

Not so perfect but so beautiful

I'm the one I should love

//

I may be a bit blunt, I may lack some things

I may not have that shy glow around me

But this is me

My arms, my legs, my heart, my soul

bonus song - answer: love myself

doing a pewdiepie and adding a bonus song lmao my first listen of this song was in my friend’s house and we had the lyrics on and let me tell you the moment we read the lyrics we wanted to hug bts because it was so soft and it was so uwu we were so ready to love ourselves lol yes it sounds like a church song but like epiphany i learned to love it too this was also my first song of 2019 so if you decide to, please listen to it with an open heart

favourite line (hey look actual lines this time yes lines not line):

Maybe I fell in order to take the place of those countless stars

The target of thousands of bright arrows is me alone

//

Why do you keep trying to hide under your mask?

Even all the scars from your mistakes make up your constellation

that’s all from me bye sorry for the long post

bighit pls hire me as an album promoter

[otomeshistarlight-blog]

Rant incoming

I was scrolling through the JoJo tag when I saw this post and I just ... I’m really tired y’all.

First of all, according to a google search it looks like the age of consent in Italy is 14 (if I’m wrong, please correct me) so Narancia is very legal, as is Giorno. America’s laws are not universal. The world is not so UScentric that whatever we as a country deem inappropriate is likewise considered to be inappropriate in other countries. There are varying standards throughout different societies and one is not necessarily more correct than the next. Whether or not I think real life fourteen year olds should be having sex is irrelevant- because even if I don’t agree with it, it’s gonna happen anyway - but Narancia is not a real fourteen year old so whatever the law dictates in America OR Italy is irrelevant.

What this boils down to is that there is no victim here. Narancia cannot be taken advantage of. Narancia cannot be sexually assaulted and face the physical/emotional consequences of such trauma. There is nothing inherently wrong with shipping him in ANY pairing, regardless of the ages involved. If I want to write about him getting wrecked by Bruno I will damn well do it because not a single person is being hurt by me doing so. If this is something that triggers you and causes you distress then don’t 👏🏻 fucking 👏🏻 look 👏🏻 at 👏🏻 it. 👏🏻

Fighting for the rights of fictional characters solves nothing. It helps no one. It doesn’t benefit real victims and it sure as hell does not stop real people from being victimized in the first place. This is a nonissue that people are taking up arms over for no reason other than a perceived moral superiority that makes them feel more in control of the world around them. It stems from feeling helpless and lost in a society that doesn’t bend to their every whim. Fandom space is the only place they feel like they have any power so they take on the role of morality police, try to dictate what people can and cannot like, and then accuse anyone who won’t do what they say of heinous crimes. It’s extremely toxic and harmful, not to mention it lessens the severity of sincere pedophile/abuse finger pointing so the chances of a real predator getting away with it are greatly heightened, and I’m just done with it at this point.

Let’s say I’m looking through the porn tags as I am won’t to do and I come across a post that features blatant child porn. Real child porn. The 3D kind that, yknow, actually features real children being exploited and assaulted for realsies. I’m understandably appalled so I file a report with tumblr and they don’t even look at it because they’ve been bombarded for the last year with false harm to minors reports and the user is never penalized for actually doing something inherently wrong and immoral. Y’all have heard about the girl who cried wolf right? Like, y’all know how that story ends don’t you?

But no. Instead of directing your efforts towards anything worthwhile, you’re going to keep going after shippers. And for what? Because oh no, the fictional seventeen year old who could just as likely be nineteen is being paired with a fictional twenty-five year old. The horror. What is the world coming to? Think of the children!

Except ... these supposed children don’t exist. How can you victimize a piece of paper? The same argument applies to loli/shotacon too mind you, and there is no crime in looking at drawings regardless of their perceived age, especially when the topic is anime where you can have a character who looks like a five year old girl and she is in fact a 400 year old vampire. Like?? There is absolutely no logic you can apply to this that has any internal consistency let alone actually makes sense.

Me: these fictional minors don’t even look like sixteen year olds, where have you seen a real teenager who looks like this?

Antis: they look like teens you pedo!! And ageing them up is still pedophilia because they are canonly sixteen so you’re still thinking about teenagers in a roundabout, highly contrived way

Me: *shows you a 300 year old loli vampire* okay so I can definitely fuck this one right? She’s unrealistically old!

Antis: no!!!! You’re just using her canon age as an excuse to be a freak who preys on children! She might be 300 years old but she still has the body of a child!!

Me: okay so I’ll just age myself down to self ship, no biggie.

Antis: absolutely not!! You’re still an adult and ageing yourself down doesn’t make it okay!! I’m reporting you to the authorities right now!

Me: but ... who am I supposed to imagine fucking then?

Antis: one of the few adults you find in anime, except this one because he’s an abuser, or this one because he tortured a little girl and not the serial killer either because wow problematic

Me: so what you’re telling me ... is that I’m only allowed to thirst after your preapproved, precious cinnamon roll faves even though my tastes or needs in a relationship might vary greatly from yours?

Antis: yes, exactly. I’m so glad you’re finally on my level of intelligence and moral superiority. : ^)

Me: oh, I see now. So what this boils down to is that you just don’t want people to enjoy something you don’t personally agree with. Got it.

Antis: absolutely not!! I’m thinking about the betterment of society by telling you what you can and cannot enjoy! You liking these questionable things is harmful against the greater good! Won’t you think of the children!?

Me: soooooo we’re just gonna ignore how much that sounds like a fascist/communist society or ...?

Antis: : ^)

Y’all should absolutely read 1984. It would do you some good. Because having an attraction to a fucking anime character is not a slippery slope, but this puritanical shit? It sure as hell is.

Let me pose this query: what is stopping an anti from going on a book burning campaign or fighting to get certain books banned? Lolita? Flowers in the Attic? All of the works by Marquis de Sade (a personal hero of mine)? Alternatively who are the only people who actually engage in book burning/banning?

Overzealous religious nuts. Everything about the anti movement is the same “our children shouldn’t be exposed to such filth” battle cry that religious sects - specifically the western ones - have screamed for decades now except with a cute little sjw hat on top. No rock n’ roll music. It’s Satan’s music. No porn. It’s tainting America’s youth. No alcohol. It’s leading our country down the path of sin. No violent video games or movies. They’re turning people into mass shooters. No problematic themes in fictional works because it’s turning people into pedophiles/abusers.

And that is just ... factually incorrect. There is absolutely no correlation between Lolita being published and an uptick in children being sexually assaulted. There is no correlation between lolicon or shotacon breeding more pedophiles. Because that’s literally not how it works. Period. I’m not going to accidentally stumble on a loli doujin and think “huh yknow what? This sounds fun!” I could even read loli doujins at length and that’s still not going to convince me that actually engaging in sexual situations with toddlers is okay. Like ... I don’t know why these people think we’re so stupid that we don’t know the difference between right and wrong but this is just insane. The only people who look at loli or shota and then go on to commit crimes against real children are the ones who were already having those kinds of thoughts in the first place. The only people who play Grand Theft Auto and then go shoot up a church are the ones who were already having violent thoughts to begin with. These thoughts are not magically implanted into our brains regardless of what media we consume and that’s just a goddamn fact.

Yes, media impacts reality but not the way you think it does. Even all those sources antis link to about the supposed correlation between the two are twisted to meet their own rhetoric. It’s called marketing and anyone with half a brain cell knows that it exists. It’s meant to encourage us into thinking we need some product so we spend money on junk and keep capitalism going strong. it works more often than not. However no amount of marketing is going to convince a mentally sound person that shooting up a mall is a valid life choice to make. It just doesn’t work like that and you could scream until your blue in the face that fucking kids is the bees knees and I still wouldn’t touch a real child because that’s gross. Period. And since I can’t touch Bakugou Katsuki or Narancia because they’re just figments of someone’s imagination and pen and paper ... then where lies the problem?? What is the issue with writing or drawing fictional characters, regardless of age or moral compass, in sexual situations?

I’m a CSA survivor that has been on the internet for a LONG time. I’ve seen some shit I sorely wish I could forget. Everything from real life gore, real life death, bestiality, necrophilia and yes even real life child porn. I don’t think there’s a single problematic thing I haven’t accidentally stumbled on and it’s horrific. It’s disgusting. I know all too well how awful these things are and I know even better how it feels to be a victim of rape and sexual assault and pedophilia and grooming. Like. That was my life growing up. I know what these things look like and I can assure you without a shadow of a doubt that whatever is going on in fandom space isn’t even comparable. Please. Draw your OC fucking a dragon mascot character instead of fucking a real animal. Please write about a fictional father fucking his fictional son instead of fucking a real child or a real sibling. Do whatever you want with your imagination - and I do mean WHATEVER. If you want to think about eating your favorite characters shit then by all means. Enjoy. It doesn’t effect reality in any way besides maybe giving someone a cathartic coping outlet and there’s nothing wrong with it.

There’s nothing wrong with ANY topic being explored in fiction.

The only problem is when someone commits a crime in reality. When someone hurts another living being. And consuming this so called problematic fiction does not lead someone to real life crimes. Period.

Finding myself on that stupid gore site when I was 14, BestGore I think it’s called? Did not make me want to try killing someone. I’ve never even seriously contemplated doing it because death is awful in every regard, I wouldn’t seriously wish that on anyone let alone convince myself that it’s okay. But according to antis me being exposed to that sort of content means I’m more likely to go out and commit murder?

Literally what crack are you smoking?

Get the fuck out of here and do something worthwhile with your time if you honestly find these topics so disturbing. If not then shut up, sit down and let people enjoy their fandom experience however they see fit. Because this right here? This treating fictional characters like they matter, like they’re real people? It’s not fucking cute. And as someone who was raped from the time I was eleven until I was eighteen by a family member I can safely say that you aren’t doing shit to help anyone with this holier than thou, I know better than you crusade.

And that is the goddamn truth whether you like it or not.

[lordsicheng]

Délicat: Pt. 2

Bae Jinyoung x OC

g: vampire au

s: never would you ever expect on meeting a vampire within a big city, and yet this does spark your curiosity on what holds the truth to their existence. Jinyoung is different from all the vampires you’ve heard and read about in fictional literature, whereas it reaches to a point where you believe that he may possibly be only a half-blood.

requested: nope

Jinyoung carried you into a piggyback on the way to their substitute of a home that was only a little over ten minutes from the park, Daehwi following from behind to make sure you weren’t gonna wake up all of the sudden

“So, is she sleeping on my bed?” Jinyoung turned his head slightly to Daehwi, in which Daehwi just replied with a shrug

“Don’t tell me she’s sleeping on the sofa?” Jinyoung gasped slightly, and Daehwi seemed a bit irritated by the sudden change of tone in Jinyoung’s voice

“You met her just tonight and you’re suddenly caring towards her?” Daehwi replied coldly, huffing

“She needs to be protected.” Jinyoung frowned as he turned his head to look forward

“We aren’t protectors.” Daehwi grumbled, crossing his arms

“I want to protect her.”

Jinyoung’s words just flew by as if Daehwi were to swat it off like a fly, not caring one single bit as he wasn’t approving of the way Jinyoung was acting towards him over meeting a mortal. He did feel sorry for you, though, but he didn’t want to take responsibility in case something happened to you.

A few minutes had passed and all of you had arrived their house, Jinyoung slightly kicking the door wide open after Daehwi turned the doorknob

“Open the door properly. There’s two of us getting inside at the same time.” Jinyoung said irritatingly as he walked in while still having you on his back

“Whatever.” Daehwi replied, closing the door shut behind him

Jinyoung slowly plopped you on top of the sofa and made sure he didn’t put you down harshly. He realized you were breathing as if cold air was in the room, making him worry all of the sudden as he ran off around the room to find a blanket to cover you up. Daehwi just sat on the living chair nearby, crossed arms while looking at you as if you were just another nuisance he needed to handle. Not that Daehwi already despised you from the beginning—he wasn’t even able to speak a word with you either way. Jinyoung walked back to the living room and grabbed a blanket that was a bit thicker and comfier for colder weather, tucking you in while fixing the throw pillows slightly

“You’re gonna wake her up if you move the pillows too much.” Daehwi sighed, leaning back on his chair

“Daehwi, don’t you have any other things to do?” Jinyoung said while properly tucking you in

“Other than get annoyed by you having to bring a mortal, no.” Daehwi rolled his eyes, looking to the side

“Oh shoot.” Daehwi suddenly widened his eyes as he saw something by the living room that also made Jinyoung turn his head

“What did I say about bringing mortals in this home?” their other brother, Daniel, said grimly as he walked over with his hands in his pockets to try and get a better look at you

“Wait, no. This is totally my fault—“

“It’s always your fault, Jinyoung.” Daniel said harshly, making Jinyoung bite his bottom lip out of slight frustration

“Give him a break, he just found her at the park and didn’t want to leave her there.” Daehwi tried to defend Jinyoung as he stood up, to which Daniel just didn’t buy his reasoning

“My sources tell me Jinyoung ended up scaring her and fainted, which made him not want to leave her there lying on the ground.” Daniel raised a brow, turning his head to look at you slightly moving

“She’s gonna wake up soon. Jinyoung, you’re responsible for her when she wakes up.” Daniel said as he turned his head to Jinyoung after looking at you

“Aren’t you both gonna help me?” Jinyoung asked, slightly whining

“No.” Daehwi and Daniel said in unison, moving towards the stairs as they were too tired to do anything even though it was half past 1am

“Great.” Jinyoung groaned, sitting on floor to quickly look at you sleeping

“Delicate as a small flower, but very strong in spirit.” Jinyoung smiled

He found himself resting his chin on the small space of the sofa, eyes fixed on your facial features. He stared at your eyelashes for some reason before turning to the small scar by your neck that seemed to intrigue him

“A burn?” Jinyoung thought, tilting his head as he examined it closer

“Jinyoung, don’t do anything dumb while she’s asleep. Actually, don’t even go near her as she’s sleeping.” Daniel said as he stood by the middle of the stairs, not able to move up as he observed Jinyoung the whole time

“I’m not gonna hurt her.” Jinyoung assured

“How would you know? You’re in close contact with human flesh, human blood, a human herself.” Daniel shook his head slightly

“I’m only a half blood.” Jinyoung reminded

“Regardless.” Daniel said sternly, making Jinyoung look at him with annoyance

Jinyoung just gave in to Daniel’s words and stood up to walk away before taking one last glance at you being fast asleep, unaware of what was happening

“What am I supposed to do when she wakes up?” Jinyoung looked at Daniel worriedly

“That’s your problem.” Daniel said as he walked up the stairs, Jinyoung following him before taking another last look at you

-

You woke up several hours later, eyes only slightly opening as you tried to gather everything in your mind to what happened the night before. Groggily, you tried to sit back up and noticed it wasn’t your house—or any other house you’ve been into. You felt kind of confused and scared, but the house looked like any other and didn’t seem to have anything dark going on

“Hello?” you called out, but there was no answer

“Helloooo?” you called again as you prolonged it more

“You’re awake.” someone said, seated by the stairs where it was darker and far away from sunlight

“Wh—you brought me here?” you asked in shock

“I didn’t know where you lived.” Jinyoung said as he sat on one of the steps, looking at you with a smile

“This isn’t funny. Who are you? Why did you bring me here? How did you bring me here? And… how do I know you didn’t do anything to me while I was asleep?” you asked these questions frantically, but Jinyoung just remained seated on the steps

“You can leave if you want.” he smiled, shrugging

“…Just like that?” you raised a brow, appalled

“You didn’t even answer any of my questions.” you sighed, moving the blanket away from you

“Where’s my backpack?” you looked around and saw your backpack being hung by the door, shaking your head once you saw it

“Sheesh. You’re not even gonna help me.” you stood up immediately and looked at Jinyoung

“I can’t.” Jinyoung sighed, wanting to stand up and go to you, but the natural light just wasn’t for him as he would obviously get pain from it

“Oh, right. You’re a ‘vampire’ and you can’t get in contact with sunlight. Sure.” you rolled your eyes as you walked over to get your bag, turning once more to look at Jinyoung who could only look at the ground

“Aren’t you gonna say anything?” you asked as if you were getting even more annoyed

“You can go if you want. I didn’t do anything to you and just let you sleep over since I didn’t know where you lived.” Jinyoung blinked a couple of times before looking at you, and you just looked back with confusion in your mind and disappointment in your face

“Then you should’ve woke me up. I can go home by myself.” you said before huffing and opening the door to walk out, not looking back after closing it immediately

However, you paused midway and decided to take one look back to see what the house looked like. Simple, yes. Unusual, maybe by feeling. But you really didn’t want to go back either way and just continued on your way. What you didn’t know and notice, was that Daniel looked at you from the dark room on the second floor, possibly his bedroom. He just had a small smile plastered on his face as he looked at you walk away, turning and moving to go out of his room in which darkness was all over—no lights, natural nor artificial since they don’t care much of it and also don’t get benefit off of it. He saw Jinyoung walk up the stairs to get to his room, looking gloomy as he was only able to look down as if he was defeated in such a game

“Oh, boohoo. Looks like someone got dumped.” Daniel chuckled, but Jinyoung really wasn’t having it

“You know, why are you full bloods full of hatred? Was being a mortal rather a suffering to you?” Jinyoung retorted, to which Daniel only kept giving a sly smile

“You see, half bloods like you don’t feel the complete power of a true vampire. You’re only lucky you are limited to the pain we full bloods have to endure every day. Or, every night if I must say.” Daniel snickered to himself, but Jinyoung just frowned and looked back to his bedroom door

“See, this is why I don’t want to live here with you nor Daehwi. You are both so full of yourselves for being full time vampires and only think lowly for the mortals, even for the other half bloods like me who I don’t know even exist in this area as well. Being a half blood by birth, I am only able to tolerate both of you because we all have the same father.” Jinyoung shook his head, to which Daniel just kept on his stance

“By blood, he’s your true father. But by clan, he’s our father. If you’re so caught up about being a half blood and missing a mother figure in your life, why don’t you just ask him yourself on where your mom is? He favors you more than any son he has in this clan anyways.” Daniel spoke as if he was infuriated with Jinyoung, which was pretty evident since the beginning to Jinyoung himself since they never really got along well

“It’s the modern era. Stop trying to mix up the times.” Jinyoung opened the door to his bedroom and slammed the door shut

“Watch your mouth, half-blood.” Daniel mumbled as his eyes suddenly squinted, expression becoming dark the more he took Jinyoung’s words by heart

Daehwi, on the other side of the room where Jinyoung and Daniel argued in a battle of intellect, overheard the whole conversation and suddenly felt bad for Jinyoung. He was right in a way, but Daehwi only endured Daniel’s bossy and headstrong attitude because he saved him in the past. Jinyoung, however, was somewhat weak in comparison to him and Daniel. The restrictions of a half blood were very clear from the beginning to all of them, but they were not allowed to argue of his origin especially that they all share the same father.

Jinyoung, now inside his room and sitting on his bed, took a couple of deep breaths to not get too heated over his argument with Daniel. He always knew Daniel was more outspoken of what was on his mind and direct, but he just didn’t like how he forced him to leave you behind and not make sure you weren’t gonna leave the house on a negative note. 

Unfortunately, you did, and this made Jinyoung quite upset. He’d blame Daehwi too, but Daehwi barely had any opinion of you. Jinyoung didn’t want to stop either, and planned on finding you again as soon as night falls, hoping to gain your trust back and not scare you or annoy you away this time.

[davidcarner]

Hotel California Ch 1, Bartowski, IT

A/N:  Fanfic community after canceled intervention:  Thank God, we've got him down to four ongoing.

Me:  NEVER!  *pushes publish to get reaction from everyone on this being an ongoing and skips out of the room*

A/N 2: A few notes before we start. This fic will be (not this chapter, but down the road) a little more…saucy, spicy, than things I've done before. It's still T but, I'm going to take it up one or two notches. This fic takes place current time, Chuck is approximately 26 years old. Welcome to Hotel California Ch 1, Bartowski, IT

Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck, but I do own several copies of Hotel California.

He felt the eyes on his back watching his every move. This had required more than he thought it would when she brought him the laptop. Most men were scared of her beauty, but he wasn't. It was a weird friendship, but one just the same. They teased each other….well, she teased him, and he laughed about it. They were on the same page about the important things. He felt her over his shoulder.

"What's wrong, Chuckles," Carina said breathily into his ear. Her breath was making it hard to concentrate, but that was Carina's game. She loved making Chuck uncomfortable. She probably loved making all men uncomfortable, but he had no empirical data to support that theory. "Have I corrupted the hard drive? Please don't ask me to turn off, because you already have me so turned on." Chuck turned toward her slowly.

"Carina, I'm pretty sure that's sexual harassment," Chuck said, an amused smile on her face.

"What you gonna do, report me to myself? I am HR," she replied, bending back over his shoulder to watch him work on her laptop.

"Carina, you are in benefits until they hire someone," Chuck said, chuckling. "You're the Director of Operations."

"And I'm trying to let you enjoy some benefits," she said with a smirk. Chuck stopped in mid turn of the screw on her laptop. "Well, finish screwing me."

"I swear I keep walking right into these," he said, finishing putting the case back on. He plugged it in, hit the power button, and sat back, bumping Carina because she was so close.

"Chuck are you trying to touch me?" Carina asked.

"Keep it up and I won't fix this," he said. She jerked her hands back in a defensive posture. He paused, unsure if he should say anything or not, but it was her, so he went ahead. "Carina, there was some interesting porn on there." She looked at him. "I'm pretty sure it wasn't yours."

"Chuck, you think you know what I want to see?" Carina asked, with a coy smile. He looked at her with no humor on his face.

"It was furry porn," he said. She closed her eyes, and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Let me guess, some guy you were seeing used it." She nodded, opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Explains why he wanted the costumes," she mumbled under her breath. Chuck shuddered. The computer started up, and she hugged him. "You are the best, Chuck. Can I pay you?"

"Nope," he said, unhooking everything, giving her the laptop, standing up, and walking with her to the door. "You could tone down the innuendos."

"But then how will I see you blush?" she asked. "I love to see you blush, all the way down to the roots of your hair." She looked him up and down, slowly, and not even trying to hide what she was doing. "I wonder if you blush…everywhere?" With that, Chuck began to blush. "Hmmmm." She gave him a grin that looked nearly predatory. "Hey, I have an idea."

"Nope, no, not a happening," Chuck said, shaking his head. She reached up and moved his hair around, fixing it the way she wanted it. He looked up at her hand, back at her, and she finally stopped, satisfied with how it looked. "No blind dates, especially when they're probably with you," he said, grinning.

"You don't know the blind date I was gonna set you up on was gonna be with me," Carian said. He gave her a look and she bounced a shoulder. "Fine, but you're missing out." The look on his face was "here we go again." "I swear one night with me would ruin you for all other women."

"Is that what you really want, Carina, me at your door step every night playing bad love songs to win you?" Chuck asked, amused. She rolled her eyes.

"You would too, wouldn't you," she said, laughing. Chuck leaned against the door frame and gave her a look. She thought she might melt.

"Well, you want to ruin me," Chuck said, waggling his eyebrows. She gasped.

"Chuck Bartwoski, are you flirting?" she asked. Chuck grinned at her, and winked. She hugged him, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and watched as he turned and started back to his desk. She couldn't help herself, and slapped him on the back side causing him to whoop and high step for a second.

"Seriously, HR!" he said, with a grin. She winked, spun, and strutted out of the room as only Carina could. Chuck shook his head. "That woman is twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag," he said to himself.

-ooooo-

Carina returned to her office and shut the door. She liked Chuck, he was a sweet guy, but he was also one of those forever, with a house, 2.3 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. Carina was not in to that, today. Someday, maybe, but today, today she wanted to have fun. She sighed and pulled out a folder that she needed to turn in before the day was over before Zondra gave her grief. Well, not too much grief, because Zondra knew Carina would get things done. Her thoughts returned to Chuck. She felt bad for the guy. It was a few months ago that she was talking to Martin in the kitchen, or was it Morgan, she wasn't sure. Whatever his name was, he had told her how his friend Chuck had been screwed over by Bryce. Bryce had framed Chuck at Stanford and gotten him kicked out of college. Bryce denied it, but Martin swore Chuck wasn't that guy. They needed someone in IT, and Carina was intrigued. She thought Bryce was a tool as well, so that's why she went to scope out Chuck at the Buy More. She tried to flirt with him, but he basically was nothing but super professional and excused himself when some idiot father forgot to load tape into his camera to record his daughter's ballet recital.

Carina told Zondra about Chuck, but left out everything about Bryce. Zondra called him, offered him an interview, and Carina asked if she could take care of it. She and Chuck had a long talk more than an interview. The reason for hiring him was two-fold, one, it might upset Bryce. Two, he was good, real good. She had called around and asked those who used the Buy More if there was a technician they would recommend, and all the recommendations came back as one Charles 'Chuck" Bartowski. She had to admit, she was pissed at Bryce for hurting Sarah, and if this would upset Bryce, all the better. Bryce might be the Hotel General Manger, but Carina wasn't scared of him. His parents loved her too much to fire her, and that's who she was worried about, the Larkins.

Zondra tried to remind Carina that they needed to keep their personal lives out of this, and it was somewhat Sarah's fault for dating the boss. Zondra thought Sarah knew better, and she did. But, Carina had encouraged Sarah to date Bryce, and that had been an absolute disaster. Sarah thought they were in a relationship, and Bryce thought they were casual. She caught him with someone, Sarah never would say who, and that was the end of Sarah and Bryce. Sarah refused to date coworkers now, and since she didn't want to go clubbing much anymore, Carina was determined to find her someone. Chuck wouldn't bite, Sarah wouldn't bite, so somehow she had to get the two together. How? And that's when it hit her. She picked up the phone and made a call.

"Hey, Reg, it's Catrina," she said smiling. "Did I say Reg, I meant Rick, sorry." Whoops. "So, I got my laptop fixed. You know the one you visited the furry porn site with. Yeah, Rick, that one. Well, there's a real simple way to make it up to me. Tell me the site name. No, I'm not kidding. I met a cute IT guy and I want him to come scrub my hard drive. I know that sounds dirty, I said it." She wrote down the website address. "Thanks Rick. No, I don't want to dress up. Good-bye." She hung up, a grin on her face. She knew just what to do.

-ooooo-

Sarah came in the next morning, tired. She had stayed up most of the night watching old movies on the old movie channel. She liked her job, loved it actually, and especially the people she worked with. She liked them all, except for Bryce Larkin, the biggest cheat that ever cheated. "We're causal," she said, in a low mocking voice, twisting her face. The thing was, she didn't miss him, she was upset at how bad she had gotten burnt. She swore it would never happen again. No guy was going to hurt her, and definitely no guy at work. She turned on her computer and waited for it to warm up as she drank her coffee. Maybe she'd get lucky and someone would pull the fire alarm today and she could watch the firemen come in. She always enjoyed that. She shook her head as she logged into her computer. She waited a minute and realized it was acting very weird. There was a strange icon on her desktop. She double clicked it to see what it was.

"OH GOD!" she screamed and turned off the monitor. She looked around to see if anyone had seen that and then she remembered she was in her office, and no one could see what had happened. The backs of the monitors were facing the doorway…what was that noise. THE SOUND! She turned the monitor back on, found the sound bar, and muted it. She took a deep breath, and nearly jumped out of her seat when there was a knocking sound on the door.

"Hey," Carina said. She took a good look at Sarah and had to fight not laugh. Sarah looked beautiful as usual, her blond hair just past the shoulder with that slight curl, the simple blue top and the black jeans. She looked elegant, and frazzled as can be, all at the same time. "Something wrong?"

"Uh, well," she began.

"Oh, before I forget, there's been a slight porn problem on some computers. If you have any problem, call down to IT and ask for Bartowski," Carina said. "Skip is a good guy and all, but Bartowski is the one you want."

"Have you had any problems?" Sarah asked, nervously.

"Oh, no," Carina said. "Gotta run," and she was gone. Sarah took a deep breath and composed herself. She picked up the phone, put down the phone, walked over to her door, shut it, locked it, and called IT.

"Bartowski, IT," the voice on the other end answered. Sarah smiled at the soothing voice.

"Hi, this is Sarah Walker," she said trying to have steel in her voice.

"Hello, Sarah Walker, are you okay?" he asked.

"Why do you ask?" Oh no. Was she so shook up over this that this guy could tell? What was he gonna think? She had to get control of the situation. "I need help and so help me God, if you tell me to turn it off and turn it back on, I will come down there and…"

"Well, that answers that question. You don't sound like things are going well, and that's never good," he said. "What's wrong?"

"There's this weird thing on my computer," she said with a low voice, still snapping. She didn't care if he thought she was an awful person, but she couldn't have him thinking she was looking at porn at work. "Carina told me to call you to get it off."

"Carina Miller?" he said with a hint of laughter. "Okay, so we're probably going to be at this for a bit, my name is Chuck."

"Chuck?" she asked, her tone changing to curiosity.

"Yeah, my parents were sadists," he said. She laughed. She couldn't help herself. "But, I've managed to make my way in this world despite it." She was wrapping the cord around her finger, and feeling better just talking to him.

"Chuck, I'm sorry," she said. "Things….well…"

"Something went wrong, you snapped and I happened to be the first person you talked to," he said. She winced. She bet that happened a lot.

"No one calls you to say thanks for making everything run smooth, do they?" she asked. Chuck laughed.

"Nope," he said quickly. "So, what happened?"

"Well, I started my computer, and it was running weird, slow," she began. "There was this weird icon…."

"You clicked on it didn't you?" he asked. She heard the humor in voice.

"I was very tired and not thinking clearly," she said waspishly. She huffed. "Again, I'm sorry, I'm just having a very bad day."

"Hey, I'll fix it," Chuck said. "And I won't judge." She looked guilty and was glad no one could see her. "You have no idea how many people get things on their computer and call me wanting me to fix it and are in the foulest mood because they think I'm going to judge them."

"I don't watch that stuff," she said softly.

"You said Carina told you to call me?" he asked. "Is it a certain type of porn?"

"Yes," she said, burying head in her hand.

"Well the good news is I can fix it quick," Chuck said. "But I'm going to have to come up there."

"I've got a meeting, do you think you do it while I'm gone?" she asked.

"Sure," Chuck said cheerfully. "Go to your meeting, and when you get back it will be fixed. Sound good?"

"Sounds great," she said. "And, Chuck, I'm sorry I was a jerk."

"Don't worry about it," Chuck said. "Bye," and with that, he disconnected.

-ooooo-

Chuck pulled up today's calendar and made sure and waited five minutes after the meeting started before he headed to Sarah's office. The last thing he needed was to be yelled at by some crazy woman because she had double clicked an icon that wasn't on her desktop the night before. He had already reformatted a hard drive and loaded her backup from the night before. This would literally take minutes, and then he would reformat the original hard drive and use it down the road. He checked his watch, saw he had some time, and accessed the log-in system. Her computer had been accessed last night by Carina after Sarah had logged off for the evening. What was Carina doing? Chuck thought about the blind date thing Carina had mentioned yesterday. He closed his eyes and had a bad idea as to what was going on. She was going to try to pawn another insane person off on him. What did he do to deserve this?

He appreciated all that Carina had done for him, most of all getting him this job. He sat back in his chair, wasting ten more minutes. He thought about that day they met for the interview, and how she told him about her friend who Bryce had screwed over. Join the club, he though. She told him about how she wanted someone she could trust in IT. She wasn't saying Bryce was doing anything wrong, but she wondered how he had some of the ideas he came up with. Bryce was a lot of things, but his new hotel security internet system made her scratch her head. Chuck's ears perked up when he heard that. He had been working on a project for a class. It was unfinished, but the security system would have been full proof by the time he was done. He asked if he could see it, and with a grin, Carina told him she couldn't allow him to see it unless he was hired. He took the job immediately. When she logged him in and let him access the system, he became sick to his stomach. It was his system, exactly the way he left it, and more importantly it wasn't finished and there were security holes. He told Carina and she could only shake her head. She told him to keep his head down and do his job.

A few days later he got walked up to Bryce's office by Casey, head of security. Chuck figured he was fired. When he sat down Bryce grinned at him like they were old pals. Bryce said he was glad he could give Chuck one last chance, and he really hoped Chuck didn't blow it. If Chuck did well, Bryce could give him all the recommendations to clear that little snafu at Stanford and Larkin Hotel and Resort would gladly pay his tuition to finish up his degree. Chuck started to say something, but realized it was his word against Bryce's, again, and that had gone so well last time. Bryce told him if something happened here like it did at Stanford, the Buy More would be the only place he would work for the rest of his life. Chuck just stared at him, but knew he couldn't win this fight. He simply nodded, thanked him for his time, and got up to leave. Bryce had asked him how Ellie was. Chuck stopped, turned, smiled, and said, she hates your guts and if you ever enter her house she knows over one hundred painful ways to kill you. Bryce blinked and Chuck walked out, grinning.

He looked at the clock, got up, and headed upstairs to the offices. He entered Sarah's office, and quickly took apart her computer, swapped out the hard drive, put it back together, turned it on, check it out to make sure it was alright, logged off, and started to leave. He paused, that was unprofessional. He left her a note to say if anything was wrong, make sure and call and ask for him. He looked at it, smiled, and started out the door, when he nearly ran into the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. Chuck was tall, but so was she, only a few inches shorter than he was. She had blond hair, and stormy blue eyes. He was transfixed.

"Chuck?" she said again.

"Hey, that's me," he said, grinning. "Got your corrupted old drive here," he said, holding it up. "Give it a whirl and if you need anything just give me a jingle," he said, holding his hand up to his ear like a phone and internally wincing. Jingle? Who the hell says jingle?

Sarah meanwhile was trying to hold down a giggle, wondering when the last time she had giggled. Who had hidden tall and dark-haired curly down in IT? Get ahold of yourself, she thought. She scolded herself. No more interoffice relationships. Besides, what could they possibly have in common. He was a nerd and she was a conman's daughter who was lucky enough to get out of the life her father had tried to drag her into and make her way through college working odd jobs.

"So it's fixed?" she asked.

"I believe so," Chuck replied. He stood there staring at her, and that's when he realized he was standing in her office. "Soooo, guess I'll be going," he said, pointing out of the office. She was blocking his way.

"Oh, yes, of course," she said, and stepped aside. "If I need anything I'll give you a jingle," she said as he was walking away. He paused, looked over his shoulder and saw her biting her bottom lip so as not to laugh. He smiled and headed on, determined to have words with Carina.

-ooooo-

"What do you think you're doing?" Chuck hissed, coming into Carina's office.

"Well hello to you too, Handsome?" Carina said. "Miss me?" she asked with a wink.

"Carina, why did you put porn on Sarah's computer?" Chuck asked. Carina studied him a minute. "I have log-in access," he reminded her.

"Oh, yeah," she said, grinning and shrugging. "So, how was it?"

"She's crazy," Chuck said. "She double-clicked the icon you installed on her computer and then yelled at me about it."

"But, Chuck," Carina began.

"No, no, no," Chuck said. "I am not dealing with a crazy lady, no matter how attractive she is and how soothing her voice is."

"Her voice is soothing?" Carina asked, an eyebrow raised. Chuck glared at her.

"Carina, I'm telling you, NO!" he said, and headed out her door. Carina sat there a minute, thinking.

"Well, I'm just gonna have to try this a different way," Carina said, grinning.

A/N: Shrugs...Welp...that one has been sitting in todo folder for months.  I finished chapter 2 yesterday and thought I'd give this a test run.  Like Chuck V2 (the previously known as Chuck 2.0) I'm just putting it out there to see...I have two more fics in reserve as well...Reviews, PMs, and anything, are always appreciated…take care…see you soon…til next time.

DC

[accidentaltraumaposting]

This one time, my best friend gave me drugs.

I've never really been into drugs, I've smoked weed a few times but it just made me super tired so I have at no point went out of my way to take anything stronger than regular painkillers.

I was 18 years old, working at a bar 50+ hours a week for an extra £20 on top of my benefits. I know now that my employer was taking advantage of my work placement, but back then I thought that it was normal.

I walked home at about 3am one morning after a 14 hour shift to find my best friend(Lisa) sitting outside my house in her car. She said that she couldn't remember which bar I worked at and her phone was dead, but she wanted me to go to her boyfriends with her so she had support to break up with him.

He had gotten her pretty heavy into drugs and I knew she was struggling to end things with him for that reason. She had a lot of issues and I was trying to do the best thing for her and just support her through it, which I now know was enabling, something I have since learned made the situation ten times worse.

We drove to her boyfriends and his best friend was there as well. Lisa and her boyfriend left the room, I assumed to talk, while his friend was explaining whatever game it was he was playing. I was trying to listen in to their conversation so I wasn't paying attention until he asked if I'd ever taken Molly. I said no, and went back to ignoring him. A minute later he handed me what looked to be a balled up rolly paper and told me to swallow it. I said no thank you and set it down on the table. He shrugged and went back to his game.

A while layer Lisa comes in, smiling and happy and sits beside me on the sofa. I'm confused but her boyfriend has come back in so I cant say anything in front of them. She asks what we were talking about and he says, "I was asking if she wanted molly, but she said no." She gets super excited and says I should try it, that I'm too wound up and it would relax me. I again say no, so she shrugs and lifts the balled up paper and swallows it.

Its maybe an hour later when she asks again if I would take some. I'm exhausted and don't want to argue anymore, plus she seems fine so they had me another balled up paper and I take it. Nothing happens. 20 minutes later, I still feel fine. They tell me I have to snort it if that didn't work. Against my own better judgement I do. Again, nothing. Another 20 minutes go by and they give me more. All of a sudden it all hits me and I feel amazing.

We talk shit, enjoy our night, play games, listen to music, everything is just totally chill. I forget how tired I am and the breakup that obviously never happened is gone from my mind.

Its a little after 10am when Lisa says we have to go to her work friends for a few hours, because she promised him she'd visit. I dont argue and just get into the car with her. She only took the one paper thing so I think she's fine, she isn't even acting like she's been effected at all. We are about half way down the motorway when she giggles that she can barely make out the road. I start laughing as well, although there's a little voice in my head panicking.

We make it to her friends (stephen) and there were no issues getting there. We are in his living room when she goes to the bathroom. He asks, matter of factly, if I'm gonna fuck him. I laugh and say no, he's totally fine with that and asks if I want to try out his bong. The weird, random question is gone from my mind and I end up saying yes to the bong.

Lisa comes back from the toilet, she takes a hit as well and then we watch TV. At some point I go to the kitchen to get a drink and Stephen follows me, grabs me and tries to kiss me. I push him away and he looks super confused, as, I'm sure, do i. He storms off and goes back to the living room and I follow in a few minutes later.

I ask Lisa when we're going home and she says later, she has to bring her dad to the airport and she starts getting up to leave. She tells me to stay here for an hour then she'll come back. I say no, I'll just come with her and she tells me her dad will know I'm high, so no. I dont really have a counter argument for that, so I just sit down and she leaves me alone with Stephen who won't even look at me.

We sit in silence, watching the TV for over an hour. I'm ringing Lisa and her phone is going straight to voicemail. He makes some snide comment about him not being what I was "expecting". I tell him I have no clue what he's on about and he tells me to check my texts. I still don't understand and he stares at me for ages before he looks furious and shows me his phone.

There are dozens of messages from that morning/ afternoon, the person he's talking to saying how badly they want to fuck him. I'm high, my brain is barely working so I still don't understand.

"You sent me these." He says. I tell him I didn't. He starts to argue, then stops, looks at his phone and obviously realises something is going on. He asks for Lisa's number, because at this point they only ever talk on whatever messanger everyone used back then. I show him her number and he's absolutely livid, she said it was me in the texts.

I feel like a weird, awkward weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I'm not scared of him anymore, she was messing with him and thats not his fault. I tell him I'm sorry she was doing that to him, but that explains why we were both so confused about what was going on. Everything relaxes and we end up smoking more.

Its maybe 3 hours after Lisa is supposed to be back, we still haven't heard from her and I'm the highest I've ever been in my life, I still don't feel like the molly has fully worn off and we are sitting next to each other on the sofa, playing Mario cart if I remember right. He starts touching my leg, I tell him I'm too high to be messing around and he rolls his eyes and tells me what's the best way to fuck. I laugh it off but he keeps touching me and I dont stop him.

One thing leads to another, ill not get into it, but we end up having sex. It's awkward and uncomfortable and I honestly still don't know if I had wanted it.

When Lisa eventually comes back, she's laughing that she fell asleep in her car, as if it hasn't been over 5 hours since she said she'd be back. I say bye, lift my stuff and head out to her car. She stays inside for about 20 minutes while I sit in the car texting my mum telling her I'm heading home.

Lisa gets into the car, drives off and starts asking me what happened. Its only then that I remember the texts she sent and I start basically telling her off, saying she put both of us in a really awkward situation and she was evil.

She thinks it's hilarious and we drive on in silence for a minute before I tell her we had sex. She's silent, then after a while asks how high we were. I said I was pretty high, not sure about him. I confess that I wasn't really into it. She's silent again, right up until she drops me off. She says bye and thats it.

I go to bed straight away, mum laughing at me for getting so drunk and promising to make me food when I feel up to it.

Its days later, I've spend two days on a come down that made sure I never wanted to try anything ever again when Lisa ring me, telling me she broke up with her boyfriend. I tell her I'm happy for her. She says she is too, because it means she can finally tell everyone that she's with stephen. I'm shocked to say the least. I remind her what happened with me and him and she laughs, tells me she'd planned it to see if he would cheat on her but then couldn't blame him since they weren't exclusive.

I hang up the phone and don't talk to her, promising myself that I'd never have anything to do with her again, but that was a lie. I was weak back then, she was my best friend and she used me in such a vile way.

She did so many other things against me in the years after, I will probably get to that at some point.

[theravenofwynter]

so after this awesome art and some pushing...

Shepard woke with a sharp intake of breathe, her heart hammering in her chest, hands clenching on the sheets as she took in the area around her, she was on the Normandy, in her cabin, not in the Lazarus station, Miranda wasn’t opening her up.

Her vice grip on the sheets eased as she registered Garrus snoring by her side, Garrus who would never let Cerberus get their hands on her if he could help it. She turned on her side, watching the one of her loves with his mouth opened as he had half-sunk into the mattress, the yield of the fabric creating an almost cocoon around him.

The sound of the her shower running made her relax even further, knowing Nihlus was nearby even if he was absent from her bed, it didn’t matter, not really, as much as she adored him, Nihlus had other duties to attend to, courtesy of the Council; falling asleep cocooned between the two men was a treat she indulged in as much as she could and not only because of their nights of passion - though their teamwork was incredible, bordering on legendary.

She loved them both, so much it was almost scary.

The three of them had stumbled into a relationship without really meaning to, it was sparring, easing tension, it had been just sex, until it wasn’t. It had been just friends with benefits, fun and games, until Nihlus had entered Garrus’ scope, until Shepard had stopped Nihlus’ fall, until Garrus had gently brushed his forehead against hers seeking more intimacy than they had agreed on and she had let him. 

It was easy intimacy, trust in the battlefield easily transforming into something else; despite the L-word never being uttered between them, the trust and respect were implicit enough that even Nihlus' most enthusiastic pursuers had backed off. Or maybe it had been Shepard’s and Garrus’ glare, it was hard to tell.

With her heart beating somewhat normally again she got up, barely paying attention to the cold floor, making way to the bathroom with ease; her cabin was rarely ever fully dark, the tiny lights at the bottom of the wall making sure of that.

She found her lover looking at himself in the mirror, checking his latest scar, a burn mark across his chest plates, slatted in water-proof Medi-gel.

“Nihlus you’re already beautiful, you don’t need to keep admiring yourself, honey,” she smiled tiredly at him, the remains of her nightmare seemed to cling to her body.

“You’re up,” he stopped, looking her over, “did something happen?” Nihlus asked with a certain matter of fact tone as if he already knew the answer.

“Am I that easy to read?” she tried to smile, but it fell short of a grimace, it wasn’t a mistake to seek out her lovers when she needed them, but the inner part of her, the 15 year old that depended only on herself, was still upset when it happened.

“Only for us, honey,” he smiled at her, a little twitch of his mandible, “join me?” He knew well enough she wouldn’t speak of her problems if prompted and if it had anything to do with the war effort all of them would know.

“No, just watching for now?” She half-asked half-stated, as she moved to sit on top of the toilet, her eyes roaming over his body, cataloguing every scar, every wound; Nihlus was beautiful, and usually an exceptional distraction from her own demons.

“Whatever you need, sweetheart,” he smiled at her again, another flick of his mandibles before turning his back to her again, looking at the newest scar; an Asari mercenary had gotten somewhat lucky with a Throw.

He wiggled his butt at Natallia, getting the cute snort-like-laugh that he loved. “I can stop if you’d like?”

“You’re ridiculous,” she laughed again, leaning back against the metal wall, they remained in silence as Nihlus checked the wound over, more annoyed at himself than at the dead Asari. “Does that hurt?” They both knew it did and what she was really asking.

“It’s annoying more than anything, her Throw created a biotic explosion with my Shockwave,” he shook his head, covering the wound with a simple medical patch.

“I dreamt Miranda had cut me open again, to try and fill me up with something,” Natallia spoke to her knees, not looking at Nihlus, missing how he stopped for a second before continuing with his shower, he remained silent otherwise. “I’ve no idea what she wanted to stuff inside of me, but I dreamt... remember when I told you I regained consciousness while Miranda and whats-his-face were present? That moment,” she bit her lower lip, it was so stupid, she didn’t even know in which condition she had been when she woke up briefly in the middle of reconstruction, but if she had to guess-

“You’ve let a tough life, Natallia,” Nihlus was suddenly in front of her, the shower turned off, kneeling in the cramped space, his hand cradling her face, “it’s not a weakness to have nightmares, it means you overcame it, they’re just haunting you now like a bad omen.”

“I hate them, I hate loosing sleep because of them,” she shut her eyes tight, trying to forget the nightmares, willing herself to forget.

“And I hate seeing you like this,” Nihlus muttered, licking the tears gently falling down her face, “as if they have the power to defeat you.”

“I’m not-”

“We’ll catch you if you ever need it, Natallia,” came the sleep-laced voice of their third, followed by a yawn, “you’re not nearly as weak as you think,” Garrus rested against the threshold looking at both of them with clear eyes, “and even if you were, we would catch you.”

“He’s right, we’re right here,” Nihlus leaned forward, brushing his forehead with hers, “we can chase your nightmares away if you need us to.”

“What he said,” Garrus half-yawned, blinking at them a few times, “can we please go back to bed now? This is cramped and I can’t touch you,” he half-glared at them, “either of you.”

“Whatever you want sweetheart,” Nihlus got up with a laugh, cleaning Shepard’s tears with his thumb, “need a hand?”

“Nihlus get out of here, you’re gonna freeze soon,” Garrus rolled his eyes, caressing Nihlus under the fringe as they changed places, “I don’t want to sleep on a cold, wet bed,” he added with a smile before offering his hand to Natallia, “coming?”

“Garrus?” She asked with a sigh, not even really sure what she was asking this time.

“I woke up and neither of you were there, then I heard the shower running,” he muttered to her, his voice low, but knowing Nihlus would be able to listen if he so wished.

“We wouldn’t start in on the fun without you,” she smiled at him, suddenly tired, as if her bones had decided to turn Krogan.

“Not what I meant and you know it,” he sighed, pulling her towards him; if Nihlus was the one who understood her implicitly, then Garrus was the one who drove her forward, to be better. “I was worried, you usually wake me up when you have a nightmare.”

“You’ve been running yourself ragged this week, what with the Primarch’s new task force, I didn’t want to disturb you,” it wasn’t an excuse, it was a fact. “Besides Nihlus was already awake.”

“Even so-”

“Could my two love birds please hurry up? We all have an early day tomorrow and I’ve got a surprise for both of you,” Nihlus called from the other room, already under the covers. It was times like that which Shepard was grateful about the ‘no expenses spared’ Cerberus had gone with for the construction of the SR2, the three of them fit comfortably on the bed.

“I know you worry about me, Garrus, some days I wished you didn’t,” she sighed again, leaning forward and brushing her forehead against his, “but I love that you do, I just don’t feel very deserving of it.”

“We’ll work on that another day, love,” he took her hand, leading her back to their bed, “tonight let us make sure you suffer no more nightmare ok?”

“Well about time,” Nihlus watched both of them with a more clinical eye than his voice led to believe with the light, unassuming tone, watching their hands, glancing at Shepard’s eyes before getting a nod from Garrus.

“I was telling him about your butt wiggle,” Shepard tried for a smile, more sincere than the last half-grimace, “it was a very nice butt wiggle.”

“I need to see that for myself, Natallie does have a tendency to overestimate how nice your bony behind is.”

“You mock me, my good sir,” Nihlus laughed, taking Shepard’s hand and effortlessly putting her in the middle of the bed, in between both men, “I’ll have you know I have a very nice butt.”

“It’s been so long since we’ve seen you that I may have forgotten,” Garrus yawned again, getting comfortable on Shepard’s other side, hid hand holding on to hers. “You’ll have to show me again tomorrow.”

“As my Praetor commands,” Nihlus smirked at both of them, giving both human and Turian a once-over that had Natallia flushing as bright and as red as her hair.

“Goodnight Nihlus,” Garrus said pointedly, pulling Shepard against his chest, nuzzling her temple in a goodnight kiss.

It was only after three of them had properly laid down that Natallia half-voiced the sudden title being used, “wait, Praetor?”

[thisxolove]

Nothing Without You (Chapter 6)

Nickiah  "The fuck wrong with you!?" I yelled as the warm vomit sat on my skin.  Abel was coughing as he held his stomach.  "Shit, I told you to get off me." I stormed off into the bathroom and turned the faucet on.  "We going home!" I yelled. "Home for what?!" I heard him yell back. "Something is fuckin' wrong with you!" "Ain't shit wrong with me!" I heard him fall limply onto the bed.  "We getting out of here first thing smoking! I can't deal with your bull shit here!" I took the excess vomit from my chest before jumping straight into the shower. The fuck is wrong with his ass? Two Days Later Abel We just touched down in Los Angeles again. Nicki wanted to come back home as soon as possible after I left her alone in the hotel room. Needless to say, but said anyway, we're not on good terms. She's been bitching at me about it ever since. Can't say I blame her either, but I can't put up with her shit.  When we got back to our Beverly Hills mansion, things were awkward. "Hey, ma." AJ said to Nicki.  "Hi, baby," she answered in a dry monotone. I watched as AJ's face scrunched up in confusion.  "What's wrong?" He asked "Nothing," she replied.  That's when I watched Nicki walk towards our bedroom and shut the door behind her.  AJ looked at me with confusion on his face. I took this as an opportunity to talk to him. "AJ, come over here," I waved at him. He walked over towards the couch and sat beside me.

“Is she okay?”

I sighed. “She’s a little upset at me, but don’t take it personally. She’ll get over it.”

“What did you do?”

I smacked my lips as I debated telling him the truth. “I threw up on her.”

AJ looked at me before bursting into laughter. “You threw up on her?”

I chuckled, “Yeah, man. She’s pissed at me.”

“That sucks,” he continued laughing.

“I know. Ay, let’s go visit Uncle Lamar for a minute,” I suggested.

He hopped from the couch, “Yeah, because I owe him a whooping in 2K.”

I laughed before I picked up the car keys from the ebony wooden coffee table. I watched as AJ grabbed his XO snapback and placed it proudly on his head. That shit made me smile.

He never left the house without XO somewhere on his body.

“Gotta wear your hat, huh?” I asked.

“Hey, if it ain’t XO, then it gotta go, right?” he shrugged his shoulders.

When he said that, it caught me off guard. My head jerked back in interest as my smile grew bigger.

“I like that shit,” I said, holding my hand up for a high five.

AJ smiled proudly before delivering a smack to my hand. He really was my mini me, a smart, shy kid with a sense of humor. The only difference was that my son was happier at his age than I was. That’s the way I wanted it. I bust my ass in the studio so my family can reap the benefits at home.

It made me proud to have the type of relationship I had with AJ, though. I see myself in him so much. Hopefully I’ve done a good job at keeping him happy so he won’t have to turn to drugs and partying in a few years like I did at his age.

We left the large home before walking out to the Aventador sitting in the drive way.

“Wait, we didn’t tell mom we were leaving,” AJ said.

I thought about going back to say something to her, but I quickly waved it off. “Nah, I’ll call her while we’re out.”

I really didn’t feel like being bothered with Nicki right now because I felt it would just cause an argument that I wasn’t willing to have.

We hopped in the car and pulled out of the gates guarding our home. I called Lamar on the car phone.

“Yo, nigga I’m on my way,” I said.

“Nigga, don’t be popping up on me like that. That’s how you get killed.”

We both chuckled and I looked over at AJ.

“I got the mini me with me today,” I informed him.

“AJ?”

“Hey Uncle Lamar,” he said.

“Wassup nephew,” Lamar replied.

I smiled. Even though I was starting to have a strain in my marriage, I didn’t think it was enough to kill the vibe I was feeling with my son right now.

After hanging up the phone with Lamar, I turned the radio back on.

Can’t Feel My Face began playing and AJ began nodding his head to the beat as he sang along.

I laughed, “You really like this one, huh?”

“You sound like Michael Jackson, dad.”

I took that as a huge compliment as I smiled.

“What ‘chu know about MJ, boy?” I laughed.

“He’s the King of Pop. He reminds me of you.”

I was quick to correct him. “Nah, he shouldn’t remind you of me. I should remind you of him. He’s the legend.”

AJ nodded, “He’s the King of Pop and you’re the King of the Fall.”

I chuckled, “That’s right.”

“I loved that last album, dad. I can’t wait for the next one.”

I decided to get some insight from my little twin. I trust his word, always have.

“What’d you like about it?”

He shrugged, “It was pretty fun and upbeat, well, not The Hills, but…”

“Boy, what are you doing listening to The Hills?” I asked as a chuckle escaped my mouth.

“The girls like it,” he laughed.

I couldn’t hold my laughter after hearing that. AJ is taking after me more and more everyday.

“The girls like it?” I asked, “Girls in your school?”

All of my kids attend a private school here in LA. They don’t go full time though because the family schedule is always hectic due to me and Nicki’s careers. I don’t know if we’re making a mistake by only having them in school part-time, but it’s working out so far. My kids ain’t slow.

“Yeah, they’re always playing in my hair and asking me to sing for them.”

I proudly smiled. “And do you do it?”

“I try, but I can never hit the notes like you do.”

I laughed, “Don’t worry, with time it’ll come.”

He smiled. I knew he was proud of me and I was fuckin proud of him too.

“But daddy, when is your next album coming out?”

“What? Haven’t you heard?”

“Heard what?” he asked.

“I’m retiring from music, son.”

I glanced over at him and his eyes widened, “What?! You retiring?? You can’t retire, dad! Music needs you! XO needs you!”

I smiled. That shit just tickled me.

“I’m not retiring, AJ,” I laughed.

“You promise?”

“I’ll be dropping albums ‘til the day I die.”

“Even ‘til you’re old and your hair turns gray?”

“You damn right.”

He smiled in satisfaction.

“I’m just trying to find the theme of my new album.”

“Dark like Kiss Land or Pop like Beauty?” he asked.

Intrigued that he knew so much about my music, I took another glance over at him. As surprised as I was that he even asked me, the question struck me with more interest. I had to sit and think on that one.

“I mean, I’m gonna try and appeal to a broader audience, but still throw my dark side in it.”

“Why are you trying to change your sound to appeal to people who didn’t care when you started?”

Damn. I had to admit, my 11 year old had a valid point.

“Um, it’s a lot with that.”

“Like what, dad?”

“There’s the business aspect of it, now. My label wants me to generate music that can be played on the radio. Then again, I’m just testing the waters now. Trying to reinvent myself over and over again. I’m not trying to recreate any old feelings.”

“But dad, you started off doing dark music because it was unique. Who cares if the crowd doesn’t understand it. It’s who you are and it’s how XO was born.”

“No, I created dark music because it reflected how I felt on the inside.”

“You don’t feel like that now?”

I sat silently because I knew damn well if I was to answer him, I’d be lying and I’d rather say nothing than to tell him the hard truth about how I’ve been feeling.

Truth is, I’ve been conflicted. Part of me is torn between wanting to vent my true feelings into my music, but then the other is trying to make my music appease the large majority. After working on Kiss Land the way I wanted to and it didn’t generate well in the mainstream, my label pressured me into changing my sound up. I rebelled for some time, that’s why I wrote King of the Fall, but I knew if I wanted others to hear my project, I would have to tweak it some.

Plus with me being sober and not taking any drugs during the last three eras, Kiss Land, King of the Fall, and Beauty, I’ve lost a lot of confidence. I feel like I’m lying in my music and thus, lying to my fans. It’s a lot to absorb, especially when my label is on my back about radio hits and pop music.

Part of me loves the pop sound because I get to branch out and experiment with my music, then another part feels like I constantly have to keep topping my last hit just to stay on my game. I’m losing confidence and trying hard not to show it through my work.

I decided to change the subject.

“You hungry?”

He looked at me. “Yeah, I am.”

“What you want to eat?”

“Let’s go to Taco Bell,” he said, pointing at the food joint on the side of the road.

I chuckled. I love that my kids are so humble even though they live larger than most.

I pulled up into the Taco Bell parking lot and parked the car. Before getting out, I put my sun shades on and a snapback on my head.

“Camouflage,” I said, laughing as I looked over at my son.

He returned the laugh, “Is that why you cut your hair, dad?”

“It was a big reason. Tired of people spotting me from 3.8 miles away and shit,” I laughed.

He couldn’t contain is laughter before opening the passenger car door. Nicki would kill me if she found out that I let AJ ride shotgun beside me. She still feels that 12 and under is the age that kids should stay in the backseats, but when we riding in these foreign sports cars, we got limited choices. Besides, he’s 11. He’s good.

We walked into the restaurant and blended in well. I mean, people know I live in this neighborhood, but any tourists could be around and I didn’t need the hype right now.

After ordering a couple Doritos Locos Tacos and a snack pack of soft shells, we sat at a table not too far from the door in case I had to get the fuck out of here. I don’t have my security with me so I’m taking a chance, but I’m with my son. I don’t give a fuck.

I sat down and began unwrapping one of my Doritos Tacos before AJ stopped me.

“Dad, we have to say grace,” he said.

I sighed. “Oh, shit. I forgot.”

“Mom makes us say grace before we eat anything.”

“Yeah, I know she does. Nothing wrong with it. You say it, though.”

He looked at me and slightly chuckled. I was dead serious though.

He closed his eyes and bowed his head, “Father God, please bless this food we’re about to receive in our bodies. We ask you to remove all impurities from it and bless the hands that prepared it. Please allow this food be nourishment to our body and soul, in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

“Amen.” I opened my eyes and began ripping open my tacos.

AJ took a bite of his nacho cheese flavored Doritos Locos Taco.

“Dad, when are we gonna go back to bible study? Mom’s been wanting to lately.”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. I’ve been so busy planning for my upcoming album lately, but I’m planning on throwing a lot of religion into this new project.”

“Mom would be so proud,” he laughed. “What do you think you’re gonna do?”

“Not sure yet. Probably use the symbol of the cross. I have a lot of imagery to play with,” I wiped my mouth. “Not even sure church would benefit me now.”

“Why’d you say that?”

“Because,” I paused. “Just a lot of stuff going on.”

“Like what?”

“Stuff you don’t need to know about right now.”

There was no way I could tell him about the evils of the music industry. I’ve thrown myself into that snake pit and honestly, sometimes I just wish I could trade it all for some inner peace and spiritual satisfaction, but I made the damn decision and now I gotta live with it.

There’s sex, women, lust, money, and tons of drugs entangled in the mainstream music industry and with me trying to escape my drug habits, I’ve been backed into a corner of confliction. A feeling I can’t escape. That’s why Prisoner was written with Lana Del Rey. I had to vent and I have a feeling I’ll vent in this new project.

“Does mom know how you feel?”

“Um, nah. I’ll just keep that to myself for now.”

“You’ll let it out in the studio, huh?”

“Yeah, that’s where I do my best venting.”

That’s when my phone rang. It was Nicki. I knew she would call sooner or later.

“Hello?”

“Abel, where the hell are you? And where is my child!”

“Calm your voice down. I took him to grab some food and we’re gonna go chill with Lamar for a little while.”

I heard her voice calm, “Look, you could have told me you was leaving.”

“You left the room and secluded yourself from everyone. My bad.”

“I still need to know if you leave. Anything could happen! Is it just you and AJ?”

“Yeah.”

“See, you don’t even have any security with you!”

“Nicki, calm down. We’re good, girl. Stop tripping.”

I was resting my phone in between my shoulder and ear as I took AJ’s garbage filled tray along with mines over to the trash.

“Well, call me when you get to Lamar’s house,” she demanded.

“Alright, I got ‘chu.”

Just then I heard laughter to the side of me. I didn’t pay it any attention until someone said my name.

“Abel,” the familiar voice came.

I turned to follow the voice and all the blood rushed to my feet, making it impossible for me to move.

“Bella?!”

[vicicicici-blog1]

alright back on this shit

____________________________________________________ 20xx/06/14

I can't do it.

I've tried to call the police over the past few days, and every time I find myself shrinking away from the phone.

I don't know why, I've never felt like this before.

For now, I've made a decision. I'm in a good spot right now, since I've joined the club. I'm going to keep surveying the place, and see what I can do to raise my rank. in the meantime, I'm going to keep making these notes as evidence, and when Alex gets home, I'm going to show him what I've found.

Alex, when you read this: I know people are dying. I know it's silly to get worried about a police call like this. I'm sorry for all of that.

But for now, I think this is the best I can do.

The next meeting is tomorrow.

_____________________________________________________ 20xx/06/15

I'm back from the meeting. It's a little easier to explain what happened this time.

From what I can tell, people don't necessarily go to every single meeting, as there were fewer people there this time. I'm also not sure if, maybe, some of them might've been different people. After all, everyone was wearing those masks.

Today, for the meeting, it was a broadcast from another branch  - 02NS, I think it said. It turns out the floor of the arena also operates as a screen for everyone to watch. How much money has gone into this?

Over the broadcast was another member of the club, wearing a beaver mask, and another woman, wearing a red fox mask, and carrying a gun. She was setting up a drone of some kind, and in barely a minute she'd swapped the perspective over to the drone. In the new image, I could see a black van, and now, the noises of screaming and crying, coming from a separate recording. Everyone in the room began screaming wildly, as the announcer came back on.

"Good afternoon everyone! Today, 02NS Blue Beaver has worked hard with her dear sister 02NS Red Fox, notable sharpshoot [NAME REDACTED] in order to bring us a wonderful hunt!"

From the screen, popped up a few images, all of boys of varying ages, though my best guess is that they were mostly around high school age.

"Start making your bets for parts! After all, [NAME REDACTED] is gonna need to know where to avoid aiming!"

Parts.

It doesn't take a genius to know what that means.

Everyone around me was screaming prices at the top of their lungs, even [NAME REDACTED], and the women in bird masks began typing everything being yelled out. [NAME REDACTED] pointed at one boy, bone thin with curly blonde hair, begging for even just a slice from his neck.

I have no clue what anyone could even want with a neck, let alone a slice of one.

After a few minutes, the announcer came back on, quieting everyone.

"Alright, the top bets have come in! Miss [NAME REDACTED] is all set to go! Now, it's time for the fun! Three... two... one! NOW!"

The back door of the van opened up, and the five or so boys in the pictures were pushed out, all of them either terrified to the point of tears or looking away, quietly but desperately. The second they saw the girl with the gun, they all bolted into the woods. The announcer called it a ten second head start.

Then, the drone flew up high in the air, giving us a shot of the area, a wooded area where it was almost impossible to see where they were going. It was also completely caged in.

Once ten seconds had passed, Red Fox sprinted off, going in the direction of one guy, whose photos and size clearly painted him as a football player of great skill. The drone, seemingly knowing where they all were, zeroed in on him, as he'd already managed to make it close to the gated end from the direction he ran. When he made it to the clearing, he seemed to realize that too - with a better look from his perspective, the gate was imposing, made of barbed wire, and standing roughly fifteen feet in the air. The bar at the top glowed hot red.

Even so, the young man grabbed onto the fence, and started climbing. The barbs already began digging in his hands, leaving his hands a sticky, bloody mess as he kept going. When he finally got to the top bar, he made a quick grab for it, only to recoil in pain, as smoke came off of it, and fell back down to the ground.

"OOOOH! You'd think it was obvious that the bar was burning hot, huh? Sorry for all those muscular hand lovers out there, hoping to take a nice set home!”

I heard a small, disappointed sigh from close by. I'm really glad the mask covered my face, because the face I made would've outed my sickened expression to everyone there immediately.

He rolled over, grasping at his hand, when out of the bushes, Red Fox had come out, gun aimed. He looked up at her, and before he had time to even realize it, she shot him three times in the back. His body slumped over to the side, leaving his surprised face left turned on camera. Once again, the crowd went wild.

She reloaded her gun, and moved on to her next target, the drone zeroing in on the boy that [NAME REDACTED] aimed to get a slice of. He hadn't stopped crying since he ran off. It took her barely seconds before she caught up to him, shooting him square in the back with one shot. I'm not sure if he was even dead when she ran off for her next target.

One by one, she took them all down with ease. The longest one it took managed to figure out a place to hide that even the drone couldn't zero in on, but he ended up being found when he suddenly started choking up. I think he was having an asthma attack. She shot him in the neck. The other two besides that were shot in the side and the head respectively. If any bodies are found grouped together with missing parts and bullet wounds in those specific places, here is your case story.

This time, I stayed for a little longer, looking around at the stuff inside. Those casino-like machines I was looking at before consisted of mostly computers, giving access to videos of past murders and an online shop, and then some actual casino games, which many of the members were lined up to play. After a while I didn't wan't to be there any more, so I left. As sickening as it is, I'm going to try and go back again next week, and this time I'll make sure the hidden mic works.

I also just realized I forgot to take a closer look at the benefits package. Between work and the stress of this investigation, I just left it be. I'm too tired right now, I'll look at it tomorrow. _____________________________________ 20xx/06/16

I took a look in the benefits package today.

It wasn't anything special on the outside, just a thin black fabric bag, adorned with a zipper and a white rabbit on the side. I wasn't expecting too much out of it.

On the inside, it was mostly booklets, as well as a small black box, labelled "LEVEL 1 SURPRISE GIFT". First, it would be best to go over the booklets first.

The first, and largest booklet went over the club activities, what's available from the club, the club's public website (which I am surprised exists) and, most importantly, the ranking system.

It's based on purchases. Every little thing purchased from either the website or at the club directly is directly funneled into your overall rank, allowing access to more things such as a free vpn, free at-home access to the video collection archived at the site, special purchase items, the list goes on.

I checked the site, which requires the branch name, number, and mask type in order to enter the site. I'm only Level 1, so I'm limited to the purchase of innocuous items, like gardening tools and decorative knives. I think when I go to work, I'll leave my login information somewhere for my coworker to find, maybe disguise it as something left behind by a customer. At the very least, I can tip someone off to this that way, instead of trying and failing to call the police.

The next booklet was some sort of showcase for some of their notable contracted killers and corporations. It's pretty shocking to go through, some of these people are legitimately famous, like [LOL I HAD TO GET RID OF THIS HUGE AMOUNT OF INFO SHE LISTED. IM HONESTLY SURPRISED BY SOME OF THIS STUFF TOO A LOT OF THEM ARE PREETY WELL KNOWN FOR DOING GOOD SHIT SUCKS YOU CANT READ THEM BUT AT LEAST YOU GET ONE] the only company that I didn't recognize came at the very end of the book, a company called "FDN". They apparently provide their test subjects for a variety of shows and productions, particularly for this club. The booklet provides no help in explaining what their name might stand for, and the only thing that pops up when I look it up is stuff about the stock market.

The other booklets included just have stuff about methods of death, little magazine-style tests for finding out your preferred death styles, and ideal choices of item brands to use for the express purpose of death. I mostly skimmed through these.

Finally, there was the box. I wanted to save it for last, just in case it was actually a bomb, or a severed finger, or something. It was explained, in the first booklet, that new members get a commemorative item at random, be it something useful for inflicting really small acts of harm, like a tiny decorated knife or a vial of nonlethal poison, or souvenir things like a necklace with a bead filled with a previous victim's blood, or knife tip that broke while stabbing someone. It didn’t say anything about actual body parts or bombs, though it wouldn’t surprise me if it just didn’t need to.

I seemed to get something that was both a weapon and a commemorative item. Inside, wrapped in a neat circle and perched on a silk pillow like an expensive necklace, was maybe about about two feet of thin barbed wire, that looked sharp enough to prick someone's finger at even the softest touch. It was also partially covered in dried blood.

I want to throw it out, but it's important evidence. Alex, I'm putting it and everything else in the locker for safe keeping. ________________________________________________

dumbass bitch this is why your dead i bet