#my activity will probably pick up again by the weekend

[reginrokkr]

Sometimes I think about the Remurian period and how Remus deemed all those tribes belonging to the unified civilization as no less than some brutes that needed to be evangelized and that these people people actually fought back. This also makes me think that those who later (if it wasn't already) on would found Khaenri'ah were already doing that by the time Sal Vindagnyr was wrecked by the sapphire nail first and later by the gods and wonder what it is they saw they didn't like in order to go like fuck this, we're outta here.

[wileys-russo]

filling the void (3) II a.putellas x sister!reader

prequel one two

since you all wanted to be hurt so bad here is more angst! and for the sake of the broken and left behind younger sibling support club, a little comfort and some steps forward too - song i listened to when writing was we might be dead by tomorrow by Soko! filling the void (3) II a.putellas x sister!reader

after your outburst it worried eli to watch you retract into yourself, and for an entire week bar going to work you hardly left your room.

something out of character for someone like yourself who since your sisters decided they didn't want to spend time with you anymore, had thrown yourself head first into social activities with people who did.

you still saw your friends at work and when they drove you home or picked you up for a shift, but you had a variety of excuses to avoid the dinners or hang outs you were invited to outside of that, alarming not only eli but also your friends now.

your friends had all of course been filled in on the discourse of your apparent abandonment, having assured you time and time again that it wasn't your fault.

they spent time affirming to you that it was just an unfortunate side affect of the large age gap which wasn't something you had any control over. they all did their best to make you feel supported in your emotions whilst also encouraging you not give up on the relationship with your sisters entirely.

something that probably would have benefited both alexia and alba to know, at first feeling sorry for themselves after your outburst. this was then channeled into a disapproval for these new older friends you kept close.

guards went up from both of your sisters about how these strangers were trying to replace their space in your life, they were your older sisters not these new girls hanging around.

eli had all but banned alba and alexia from coming over throughout the week following your explosion at them, warning you needed space and time and that the more they pushed you the further away you'd pull, case in point your outburst in the first place which had spawned from both of them going at you too hard and too fast.

but when the weekend rolled around and still you made no move to leave the comfort of your bedroom or the family home eli decided maybe it was time she step in a little, unable to see any change in your antisocial behaviour unless she offered a somewhat forceful helping hand.

"hija." you looked up from a book your head was buried in with a raised eyebrow. "i am going to watch alexia's game soon." eli started as you noted she was dressed in a barcelona jersey with alexias name and number proudly on the back.

"okay." you nodded with a small frown of suspicion, unsure why she was really telling you this and sensing maybe there was more to it.

"you should come with me." the woman continued encouragingly with a warm smile. "are you asking me or telling me mami?" you questioned with a sigh making the older woman chuckle.

"telling. you have not left the house all week nena and i am worried about you." her voice softened the last few words as you sighed. "mami i'm fine! i am going to see my friends tomorrow night." you promised as she hummed.

"really? that is good then." eli smiled happily as you hummed. "sí, they said if i did not come willingly they would break in here and kidnap me, so i didn't really have a choice." you sighed making your mami chuckle.

"bien. now get dressed we leave in ten minutes!" eli clapped as you made a face. "wait i still have to come?" you asked with a small groan as she nodded. "sí, i was telling not asking." the woman smiled as you groaned again but snapped your book shut.

and sure enough ten minutes later you were following her out the door albeit begrudgingly, your airpods confiscated the moment you tried to put them in, deflating even further as you slid into the car.

"don't look so miserable fresa, watching one football match will not kill you." eli chuckled throwing the car into reverse as you sighed dramatically. "i could only dream of being so lucky." you mumbled sliding on a pair of sunglasses.

"why are we here?" you questioned a little anxiously as you recognized the street she turned down a little while later. "picking up your hermana, she is also coming." eli spoke with a slight air of caution, glancing to you as you frowned clearly a little lost in your thoughts.

"mi hija i know your sisters have really hurt you i am not dismissing that, and i will not push you any further then you are ready to when it comes to letting them fix it. but you are all still my daughters and i enjoy spending time with all of you, together." eli tried to put it as gently as she could as you sighed but nodded none the less.

when you didn't say anything further eli didn't prompt you to do so, waving at alba who locked up her place behind her and made her way to the car, surprise flickering clearly across her face seeing you sat in the front seat.

"hola mami." your sister slid into the back, leaning forward and kissing eli's cheek, contemplating for a brief second whether to greet you in the same way but thinking better of it and settling back in her seat.

"hi fr-hermana." alba was quick to catch herself, eli flashing her a small smile through the rear view mirror as you hummed and mumbled back a greeting, gaze trained out the window.

you zoned out of the conversation which followed the duration of the drive to the stadium, alba trying a couple of times to include you but when she only received one word replies she recognized that was likely doing more harm than good and ceased her efforts.

you stuck out a little once you all arrived, finding your seats in the friends and family section and you were one of the only spectators sat without a jersey on.

you of course had more than enough to choose from. as you grew up alexia had gifted you with countless jerseys both for spain and barcelona.

some she'd played in during important games and wanted you to have over anyone else, and some were just spares, getting most of your immediate family members the latest kits as soon as they dropped.

but when you'd stopped bothering to go to her games you had assumed this ceased. but unbeknownst to you alexia had a whole horde of jerseys at her home for you, but at her own fault barely having spent much time with you had disallowed her to be able to gift them to you.

so even though you could have easily worn a barcelona jersey, you were still upset with both of your sisters. so to wear alexia's name and number on your back felt a little too close to home for the time being which eli had respected enough not to bring up when she'd noticed.

you'd managed to busy yourself with your phone for a good half an hour, sat on one side of your mami as alba sat on the other, the two engaged in their own conversation that your anti social behaviour prompted you not be involved in.

but everything changed when eli stood to use the bathroom before kick off, alba then taking it upon herself to slide across one seat now sat right beside you causing a small sigh to drop from your lips.

"hermana." alba started gently and you recognised where she'd be angling this conversation from the soft tone of her voice.

"alba por favor i really do not want to talk about the other night, i do not even want to be here." you exhaled honestly, watching the warm ups on the pitch and avoiding her eyes.

"then why did you come?" your sister asked curiously, propping her arm over the back of her chair to rest her head on her fist. "mami made me." you grumbled in annoyance crossing your arms across your chest with a frown.

"so you don't have a curfew and go out at all hours of the night doing whatever you want with her permission but mami can still make you come to ale's games?" alba spoke as your head whipped around to snap at her though seeing the teasing smile on her face you realized she wasn't serious.

"sí." a small smile crept onto your lips which disappeared quickly. "saw that." alba commented quietly, turning her eyes back to the pitch as yours rolled.

thankfully before you were subjected to anymore small talk eli returned, but to your dismay alba didn't move seats and instead was now sat still beside you as eli sat on her other side.

when warm ups finished alexia's eyes drifted to the crowd, spotting olga sat with a few friends and waving before looking for her family. she spotted eli with a grin, waving again as alba did the same and for a moment alexia's eyes glanced over you without a second thought.

but then they snapped right back and widened in shock, not having seen you at a game for a long time now she hadn't even realised the figure sat beside alba was you.

"mami made her come!" alba mouthed giving the captain a subtle thumbs up as you missed the entire thing, attention focused on your phone.

catching eli's eye next alexia mouthed a thank you as the older woman smiled and gave a curt nod, alexia hurrying off to follow after the team to the change room.

upset with her or not and no matter how long it had been since you were at estadi johan cruyff there was no denying your sister was a force to be reckoned with on the football pitch, and she was enigmatic to watch play.

just before she was subbed off in the second half alexia lined up near the goal when caro stepped up to take the corner, delivering the ball in perfectly for your sisters head to knock it into the back of the net.

you looked around as the crowd errupted, chanting alexia's name as you of course clapped her goal though without quite as much enthusiasm as those around you.

you watched your sister turn toward where the three of you were sat and make a weird signal with her hands, blowing a kiss at your mami before racing back for kick off.

"you saw that, sí?" alba nudged you with a grin as you gave her an odd look. "qué?" you questioned a little confused as to what you were supposed to have been looking at.

"ale's celebration. E, A, F." alba recreated it with her own hands as the strange look didn't drop from your face and your older sister rolled her eyes.

"e-" she pointed at eli beside her. "-a-" she pointed at herself. "-f." she pointed to you as it clicked. "oh." you mumbled, dropping your sunglasses down over your eyes and remaining quiet for the duration of the match.

"can i go wait at the car?" you asked hopefully, glancing to eli as the stadium had now mostly cleared and the girls friends and families were making their way down to the pitch to greet the team on their six to nil win.

"no, stay where i can see you please hija there are a lot of people around still. i think you should come say hi to your hermana, but i will not push you." eli squeezed your shoulder with a gentle smile as you nodded, staying in your seat as she headed down to the barrier where alexia was already speaking with olga and alba.

you pulled your knees up to your chest and sighed, doom scrolling through your social media's to try and pass time as you attempted to ignore the internal battle your mind was having whether to go greet your sister or not.

"well well well, hola diablillo." you jumped a little in shock as a new body dropped down into the seat beside you, sunglasses snatched from your face and placed onto her own as you couldn't help but grin.

"you are so annoying maría give them back!" you laughed reaching for them as she clicked her tongue and pushed your hand away each time you reached to take them back.

"no i think i will keep them, they look better on me anyway no?" mapi teased before pulling you into a hug. "it has been some time since we've seen you here diablillo." mapi's voice was a little softer now and you weren't sure if alexia had filled her in at all on what had happened lately.

"sí, i have been busy." you shrugged dismissively making mapi chuckle. "ohh because you are so grown up now, just a little worker girl hm? too grown up to slum it with your sisters friends at a football match." mapi teased pinching and pulling at your cheeks playfully.

as you caught up with the older girl who seemed in no rush to go greet the rest of her teammates you were too occupied to feel alexia's eyes where she watched on from the barrier.

eyebrows furrowing and a strange feeling twisting in her stomach at the way you easily conversed with her best friend, rough housing around with her and laughing, just like how you used to with alexia.

"amor." olga's hand caught her wrist as she jumped the barrier to head up toward you, giving her girlfriend a slight look of warning as alexia tugged her hand away.

"i am just going to say hi." alexia promised as olga still looked unsure but nodded, turning around as someone called her name and alexia headed off up into the stands.

"you know diablillo you are nearly old enough for some of these of your own, maybe you come over and i will bust out my gun sí?" mapi grinned wolfishly, showing you a few of her new tattoos.

your eyes lit up in awe as they traced the deep inkings which wrapped around the older girls limbs, the exact same way they had as a child when you first laid eyes on her.

"i don't know how our mami would feel about that maría, stop being a bad influence." alexia's tone was teasing but she didn't miss the way your entire body seemed to tense at her arrival, mapi grinning up at her best friend none the less.

"me? capitana i would never." mapi gasped, standing to her feet and messing up your hair before handing you back your sunglasses. "you call me and we can talk more about it. adios diablillo!" mapi addressed you now with a wink, messing up your hair before making her way down to where ingrid was waiting, the tall norweigan sending you a kind smile and a wave which you returned.

"hola." alexia recaptured your attention now, your body stiffening as she sat down beside you, your sister frowning a little as you leaned your body away from hers just slightly.

"did you enjoy the match?" alexia asked, cautious of her every word as you nodded. "sí, it was a good win." you acknowledged, resting your chin on your knee as your fingers drummed anxiously against your thigh.

"i am glad you came, i have missed seeing your face in the stands." alexia's next words sent a strange feeling through you. "you didn't even notice i stopped coming." your words came out before you could stop them, alexia deflating a little as still you refused to look at her.

"fresa-lo siento hermana." alexia was quick to correct, trying her best to remember snippets of what you said the other night. "i know i did not and i really really want to-" she couldn't even finish her sentence before you shot to your feet.

"i need to go to the bathroom." you were gone before alexia could blink, scrambling away like a startled deer as your sister sighed and tiredly dragged her hands down her face.

there was a soft touch to her shoulder and she glanced up to see her girlfriend looking down at her sympathetically. "no luck?" olga winced slightly as she sat down and alexia shook her head.

"i barely said two words and she was gone. she looked terrified, and of me!" alexia struggled to get out with another deep sigh as olga rubbed her back.

"we talked about this ale, slow. fresa needs time and i know you want to fix it cariño but you have to let her come to you, she needs to want to fix things." olga reminded softly as alexia nodded, kissing the girls cheek appreciatively before the two of them stood and made their way back down to the pitch.

your airpods finally returned to you they were quickly stuffed in your ears as you allowed alba the front seat and slipped into the back, swaying your head a little to the music bouncing around your head as eli drove home.

you were snapped back to attention as someone tapped your knee, pausing your music and pulling one of them out, alba having turned around from the front to smile at you as you were now stopped outside her house.

"would you want to get breakfast tomorrow?" your older sister asked careful not to come on a little too strong but it was hard not to miss the hopeful look in her eye.

"i have plans already." you declined as your sister nodded in understanding. "maybe another time then." she squeezed your knee quickly and kissed your mami's cheek goodbye, thanking her for driving before she was gone.

"are you going to get in the front nena or make me drive you home like a taxi?" eli caught your eye with raised brows making you grin, unbuckling yourself and moving to the front seat, your door closing and belt re-buckling before she drove off.

"i thought your friends were kidnapping you tomorrow night?" eli hinted subtly as you looked out the window and hummed. "they are." you confirmed with a small nod.

"do you have other breakfast plans then?" "no." you sighed, sensing some sort of lecture might follow.

"i'm not ready yet mami." you added on honestly, still trying to come to terms with it all and what you thought was best for you going forward now you had some time to process everything.

"fair enough fresa, take all the time you need. but know your hermana's do love you, very very much."

~

"this is nearly done, go choose something to watch." eli nodded as you moved off the stool you'd been sat on and headed toward the living room, clicking on the tv.

"something funny? a love story? action movie?" you called out as you flicked through the genre's. "mami do you have a pref-" you glanced toward her right as there was a loud clatter and your eyes widened.

"mami! estás bien?" you were by her side in an instant, the older woman clutching her chest and rapidly shaking her head as you panicked. "mierda!" you fumbled around in your pockets, pulling out your phone and calling for help.

you rattled off quickly what was happening, your anxiety sky rocketing as suddenly the older woman fell to the ground still clutching at her chest as the medical officer on the other end of the line calmly told you an ambulance was dispatched and talked you through what to do.

"mami? mami? mami!" you repeated, struggling to breathe yourself as suddenly the older womans eyes closed and she went limp and unresponsive. the operater encouraging you stay on the line and assuring the ambulance would be there any second now.

"i don't know if she's breathing!" you cried out, unsure how to check for a pulse as rapid knocks were heard at your door and you forced yourself away from eli's limp body, two paramedics barreling in the moment you unlocked the door.

the operator now hanging up a third paramedic gently assured you were doing all the right things and eli needed to go to hospital, promising you that she was still breathing as you nodded.

"is your papi here querida?" the paramedic asked softly as you watched them carefully load your mami onto a stretcher. "he's dead." you replied bluntly, panic peaking as the other two spoke so fast you couldn't understand but they were saying but you knew it was serious.

"venga, go get your shoes and you can ride with your mami in the ambulance." the older woman squeezed your shoulder with a kind smile, repeating the words and shaking you lightly when you remained rooted in spot watching them push the stretcher into the back of the ambulance.

your worry only continued when no one could really give you any answers, only repeating you would be at the hospital soon as they lowered an oxygen mask onto eli and spoke to one another in what felt like a second language over her head.

it was worse when you finally did arrive to the hospital, your mami wheeled off and out of sight as you panicked when you were informed you couldn't go with her and would need to sign it at the front desk and wait in emergency for further information.

"how old are you cariño?" the receptionist asked carefully when taking down your information. "seventeen." you replied, eyes straying every few seconds to the doors eli had been wheeled away into as if willing she would miraculously walk back out and all would be fine.

"you need to be over eighteen to be an emergency contact and sign the paperworker for your mami. is there anyone else who could come?" the lady asked as you sighed but nodded, knowing exactly who you needed to call as you excused yourself and pulled out your phone.

"alexia? algo malo sucedió, i need you."

~

alexia thanked the gods that she wasn't caught by police as she flew down the streets of barcelona going easily double the speed limit, barely saying two words to olga before she had her keys in hand and was sprinting out the door already on the phone to alba.

finding a park she locked her car and raced across the lot, chest tightening as she stepped into the emergency department, eyes scanning the waiting room before finally spotting you.

you'd always been shorter than her but sat on the chair in the waiting room drowned in a hoodie which was two sizes too big and staring off into space you looked positively tiny in alexia's mind.

you jolted and tensed up as arms were thrown around you, alexia noticing right away and letting go trying not to focus on how much it pained her that even in the current situation you couldn't hug her.

"you have to go fill in the admission paperwork at the front desk." you mumbled with a nod, refusing to even look her in the eye as you tucked your knees to your chest resting your chin on them.

spotting alba over your shoulder alexia caught her eye and stepped away toward the front desk leaving you with her, glancing repeatedly to the two of you every few seconds as she filled in the necessary documents.

"someone will be out later with more information." was the only answer she got when asking for an update on eli's condition, frustrated but knowing that now all you could all do was wait.

"hermanita what happened?" alexia crouched down in front of you as alba sat beside you, you shifted a little uncomfortably under the intensity of their stares but sighed.

"i don't know. mami was making dinner and everything was fine, i stepped away to find something for us to watch and i looked over when she dropped something and she was just grabbing at her chest-" you began to recount, your sisters hanging off your every word.

"-she couldn't speak she didn't even yell out or cry in pain or anything she was just silent but she looked terrified. then i called the ambulance and she fell down and her eyes closed and she went limp, i didn't know if she was breathing." you exhaled shakily and paused for a second before continuing.

"she didn't respond to anything i said or did she just laid there. and then the paramedics came and put her on a stretcher and we went in the ambulance and came here. then they wheeled her off back there and wouldn't tell me anything because i'm not eighteen." you puffed out air through your nose at that last part.

"they wouldn't tell me anything either, just said someone will be out with more information later." alexia sighed wearily, standing to her feet and sitting on your other side.

"oh fresa." alba started sympathetically, stretching an arm across your shoulders intending to draw you into her side but you shrugged her off. "please don't touch me." you muttered, your sisters sharing a concerned look over your head.

"hey nena we just-" alexia tried next, her hand which sat on your leg pushed away as you wordlessly stood and moved to a different row of chairs on the other side of the room sitting back down.

"just give her some space ale, she's clearly shaken up." alba stopped alexia where she stood to follow you. "even now she runs away like she's scared. mierda we're in the hospital!" alexia snapped as alba pulled her into a hug.

"she's not scared of you alexia she's just hurt, and we both know she has every right to be." alba reminded as the older girl exhaled and sunk back into her chair with a nod, both of them watching you cautiously as you seemed on another planet just looking off into space.

"segura?" around an hour later an official looking woman in scrubs and a clipboard called out, both of your sisters up and on their feet as you were quick to follow.

"daughters?" the woman clarified as you all nodded.

"your mami went into mild cardiac arrest, she's mostly stable but still out while we run some more tests to try and determine the cause. her heartbeat is quite irregular and she's having trouble breathing on her own so we've got her hooked up to a ventilator." the woman explained reading off her clipboard.

"can we see her?" alexia asked hopefully, deflating at the shake of head that followed. "she's in the coronary ward but she's being taken for some more tests soon. once we get the results of these initial ones she's just had someone will come speak to you, but all three of you don't need to be here." you frowned as that last sentence was clearly directed your way.

"gracias but we will all be staying." alexia stepped up protectively, the woman nodding before she stepped away and alexia rolled her eyes. "hey, have you eaten?" alba suddenly realised looking at you as you shook your head.

"vamos, the cafeteria should still be open." alba encouraged as you made no move to argue with her, tucking your hands into the pockets of your hoodie and nodding.

"go call olga. do you want a coffee?" alba checked as alexia nodded appreciatively, all three of you parting ways. you seemed lost in your own head as you arrived to the cafeteria, alba bumping you gently with her shoulder and nodding for you to pick something.

anxious and uptight you simply chose a sandwich, not really wanting to eat but knowing your sister well enough that if you didn't pick something she'd just pick for you.

"coffee?" alba offered as you shook your head, quickly paying for your sandwich before she could. "hey! i would have gotten that." your sister shoved you lightly as you shrugged, alba relieved when you didn't complain about the slight touch. "i have money." you replied dismissively, moving to take a seat while alba waited for their coffees.

it would seem you were hungrier than you realised as you polished off the sandwich in a few bites, finishing right as alba grabbed the coffees and you stood to follow her back to the waiting room, grateful she wasn't trying to push a conversation.

you took your seat again on the other side of the room to your sisters, missing the way their eyes raked over you with concern at how you stared blankly off into space, not a hint of emotion present in your features.

you of course were plagued with emotions, especially a growing anxiousness toward all the 'what ifs' which came with your mami's hospitalization and all the unknown details.

but determined to prove once and for all you weren't a baby anymore you'd bottled these feelings up, keeping them under lock and key in your own mind as you did your best not to let them show.

though as more time passed that anxiety grew and grew and grew and suddenly you couldn't seem to rid your brain of all the worse case scenarios racing around on repeat, sending your body into a sort of shock as you blocked out the world around you.

shaking your head and trying to zone back in you stood, needing a drink of some sorts and remembering having passed a vending machine on your way back from the cafeteria.

alexia watched you go with a small frown, alba having somehow fallen asleep in the hard chair next to her as the time was now nearing midnight and still they'd had no further news.

the overprotective older sister in her told her to call olga and have her come pick you up and take you to their home, though the slightly quieter but more rational side knew if she even suggested that it would only upset you and you'd refuse.

when a few minutes passed and you didn't return alexia grew a little worried, shaking a grumpy alba back awake and shoving half a cold coffee into her hand before following after you.

you glared at the vending machine in annoyance as again you tapped your phone to pay and punched in the numbers for the drink you wanted but it made no move to deliver it to you.

"vamos!" you shook it hoping that might help though to no avail as again nothing happened. trying another two times you were getting dangerously close to a breakdown as all of your bottled up emotions simmered on the surface and you gave the machine a hard kick.

finally the arm moved and grabbed the drink you wanted, but your eyes widened in disbelief as it seemed to die before it could drop into the awaiting chute, the entire machine going dark.

and that, that was what caused you to snap.

a string of curses left your mouth and hot tears welled up in the corner of your eyes as you kicked the machine over and over, missing alexia appear at the end of the hallway and race toward you.

"hey hey hey." you tensed as her arms grabbed your biceps and pulled you away, delivering one last hard kick to the machine before alexia had tugged you out of reach.

"get off!" you grunted though it came out as more of a choked up broken sob as alexia's heart dropped and despite the warning voice in the back of her head she refused to let go.

"alexia let go of me!" you cried out trying to pull away but your sister shook her head. "no." you weren't sure if it was the tone of her voice, your sheer exhaustion or the final overflow of the emotions which had been simmering for the last few hours but you gave in.

it was now alexia who tensed up in surprise as you suddenly turned in her arms and hugged her tightly, fists balling at her jumper as alexia relaxed and held you.

"está bien fresa, está bien. mami will be fine, everything will be fine." your sister cooed, hand rubbing small circles on your back as the other cradled your head which pressed into her shoulder.

a nurse walking past gave alexia a sympathetic smile which she returned, whispering assuring words in your ear and holding you tightly, no different than she would when you were upset and much younger.

after a few minutes you managed to calm yourself down a little, and realising who it was that was actively holding you had you pulling away and wiping your eyes with the corner of your sleeves.

"do you want to go for a walk?" alexia offered softly, and as much as the prospect of being alone with her wasn't ideal you really weren't up for returning to the silent stark white waiting room just yet so you nodded.

"wait." alexia held up a finger, glancing around to make sure no one was around before quite literally ramming her body shoulder first into the vending machine as your drink dropped down into the chute from the force.

"needed a footballers touch." your sister smiled handing it to you as you quietly thanked her. not really with any destination in mind the two of you started to wander, a comfortable distance between you as alexia ignored the urge to tuck you into her side like she would when you were younger.

"i do not think i have been in hospital this time of night since you broke your arm." alexia chanced a conversation, sending you a look which you met with a frown.

"i didn't break it alba broke it." you muttered with a slight huff causing a smile to curl onto your sisters lips at the memory.

you were eight years old and eli was working a night shift which left you in the care of both your older sisters for the evening.

showered and dinner had you'd all been watching a movie, dirty dancing, one you found incredibly boring and made a point to tell both your sisters this repeatedly throughout the entire film.

"he's strong!" you marveled as suddenly the main actor lifted his female counterpart into the air, holding her up easily and turning her around mid air. "pft thats easy!" alba dismissed with a scoff as you lifted your head from alexia's lap.

"you couldn't do it, chicken legs." you challenged as alba shot you a filthy glare which had you shrinking into your eldest sister who'd fallen asleep not long after the movie started, having trained twice today and gotten up early for a run.

"could too!" alba shot back as you shook your head. "could not." "could too!" "could not!" "could too!" "could not!"

"cállate por favor!" alexia interjected with a tired groan, eyes fluttering open and her hand moving to cover your mouth as you went to continue the argument.

"you are arguing with an eight year old?" alexia sighed at alba who rolled her eyes but ignored the question. "i could fresa. vamos, we will do it right now!" your middle sister stood and gestured for you to do the same as you wrenched alexia's hand off you.

"what are you both doing now? she should be in bed alba!"" alexia exhaled deeply, her own bed also calling her name. "bah! in a minute. go get a run up hermanita." alba ordered as you shrugged and jumped down from the couch.

"i do not even know what is happening and i know its a bad idea." alexia sighed rubbing her eyes with a shake of her head. "vale fresa, on my count!" alba encouraged readying herself as alexia watched on with a raised eyebrow.

"tres, dos, uno!" you sprinted on one, jumping as she grabbed you and indeed lifted you easily into the air. "muy bonito. the putellas hermanas everyone!" alexia's voice dripped with sarcasm as she clapped slowly with a roll of her eyes.

but what all three of you failed to miss was alba backing up dangerously close to the coffee table, alexia noticing just a millisecond too late.

"alba watch out for the-" the brunette started to warn before your sister made contact and tripped backwards. you hardly blinked then your body was dropping to the ground and a sickening crunch was heard.

"ay dios mio!" alba sat up and paled seeing your arm as you let out a scream, alexia dropping to her knees without a second thought and scooping you up. "get the car keys now!" she barked at alba who scrambled to her feet and raced off.

"hey hey hey fresa está bien, estás bien. don't cry nena don't cry!" alexia cooed, covering your eyes so you couldn't look down at your arm which was very clearly broken, your sobs muffled into her jumper as she sprinted out to the car, alba sliding into the drivers seat as alexia sat beside her still cradling you tightly in her arms.

"ale shouldn't she sit in the ba-" "drive alba! now!"

"she might have broke it but i'm the one who got in trouble for it!" alexia rolled her eyes with a small smile as you both turned around and headed back the way you came.

"i still was the worst off because it was my arm that was broken!" you reminded with a grunt. "hey you got a cast and jenni drew all over it, closest you got to having tattoos." alexia shrugged and you allowed yourself a small smile.

"and then you yelled at jenni and made her scribble over what she drew." you chuckled as alexia groaned. "because you were not going to school with detailed female anatomy on your arm." alexia sighed.

"it was educational!" "don't quote her! it was very inappropriate for an eight year old."

"that cast was so itchy it was the worst!" you sighed with a shake of your head. "then you threw a tantrum because it was white and not coloured." alexia teased lightly as you rolled your eyes.

"because liliana also broke her arm the week after and she got a red cast, and then everyone said she was faster than me." you frowned at the memory. "sí because red is the fastest colour?" alexia laughed beside you.

"obviously alexia, everybody knows that." you sighed as you both returned to the waiting room and at the tense atmosphere you clamped up again, falling silent and returning to your chair making your sister frown.

"anything?" alexia asked taking her own seat next to alba again. "she is done with tests for the night but still out of it, her breathing is better but her heart beat is still very irregular so they will monitor her closely." alba explained with a sigh, her eyes hovering over to you.

"anything?" her younger sister echoed the question back to alexia in regards to you now. "she had a slight meltdown but she didn't want to talk about it, got a hug out of her though and then we went for a walk and talked about when you broke her arm trying to do that stupid lift." alexia explained.

"and i proved i could do it!" alba defended as alexia gave her a side eye. "alba that is what you take from what i said?" the eldest putellas scoffed as alba shrugged, though before either girl could say anything the nurse from earlier reappeared and waved alexia over.

"you and your sisters should go home. you will not be able to see your mami until she is awake and more stable which will not be before tomorrow at least. she cannot afford anything to stress her out or affect her heart rate further until we have more answers on what caused the cardiac arrest." the nurse explained as alexia frowned but nodded.

"you are her emergency contact sí? we will call you once things change and you can all see your mami. but for now go home and rest, you cannot do anything else for her right now and she is in the best place being well looked after." the nurse encouraged before leaving again.

your eldest sister quickly filling alba in you were so zoned out you hadn't even seen her speak to the nurse, staring off into space as alexia took the seat beside you and bumped her shoulder into yours softly to gain your attention before filling you in.

"okay." you nodded quietly, glancing anxiously over your shoulder toward the doors where you'd last seen eli with a pained expression. "hey, they are right hermana there is nothing else we can do. you will come home with me and stay the night and we can go and see mami once she is awake." alexia's words had you shaking your head.

"its fine just take me home, i will be fine." you declined the offer firmly.

"i wasn't asking. you will stay with olga and i tonight and we can talk more about it tomorrow, its late and i think we all need some sleep. i will sleep better knowing you aren't in that house by yourself." alexia spoke softly but firmly, admittedly surprised when you gave in with a curt nod, making no move to argue.

"and you will call me as soon as you hear anything?" alba stressed as alexia sighed tiredly, unlocking her car for you to get into a little while later. "sí. as soon as i hear anything you will know!" alexia promised, drawing her younger sister into a hug before alba walked off to her own car and alexia slid into the drivers seat.

respecting that it didn't seem you were in any mood to talk alexia didn't try to make you, having already paid for her parking she slipped the ticket in and pulled out of the lot.

you watched the dimply lit streets of barcelona fly past in a blur, music filling the somewhat awkward tension in the car helping it to ease a little and before you knew it alexia was parking in the garage of her complex.

you exited the car and followed her into the elevator, still not a single word shared between either of you as your sister twirled her keys around on her finger and you both stepped out onto her floor.

alexia hadn't even turned the key in the door before it was swinging open, olga stood there with a sympathetic smile as you shuffled inside, wrapping your arms around yourself a little awkwardly as your sister kissed her girlfriend hello and closed the door.

"hermana do you want a shower? something to eat? drink?" alexia tried with a smile as you shook your head. "i'm tired." you hinted heavily, shifting from one foot to another and sending olga a small smile.

"vale, spare rooms all made up." alexia nodded behind you and with a quiet good night mumbled you were gone, door closing after you with a click as alexia seemed to deflate now you were no longer there.

"vamos mi amor, you look exhausted." olga encouraged softly, grabbing her girlfriends hand and alexia made no move to fight as she was pulled to her own bedroom, quickly changing and laying down in bed before filling olga in on everything.

"hey that sounds like some steps forward cariño? even just baby ones." the younger girl smiled softly as alexia hummed, the two finished speaking about eli and now moving onto you.

"and she came to your game, no?" olga continued as alexia shrugged. "because mami made her, and she'd rather talk to mapi than me." a slightly jealous pout curled onto her lips making her girlfriend chuckle and run a hand through her hair.

"she posted about going to the game? thats something." olga tried again as alexia gave her an odd look. "where? i did not see that." your sister frowned as olga grabbed her phone and clicked into instagram.

"see? shows she is not embarrassed to be at your game." olga showed your story as alexia's frown deepened and she was quick to grab her own phone from the nightstand.

"i don't see it?" your sister showed that your profile showed no story, comparing it side by side to olga's screen.

"amor what does this mean?" she pointed to the green trim around the edges of your story on olga's screen. "its on her close friends story." olga explained as alexia's eyes widened.

"she has a close friends story? why?" "a lot of people have them for privacy and stuff hermosa, especially teenagers." "privacy?" "sí, they might post stories that they do not want all their followers to be able to see so they have a close friends story where they can control who see's certain things." "and you....you are on her close friends." "sí, and lo siento mi amor but it looks like you are not."

"qué! i'm not going to show her stories to mami!" alexia scoffed as olga avoided her eyes. "why would she not want me on her close friends? i am a cool older sister!" alexia protested, clearly spiraling at this new information

"what? you want to say something, what?" alexia sat up a little and pressed her girlfriend who sighed. "querida. te quiero, mucho mucho mucho." olga started, grabbing alexia's hands in hers and kissing her knuckles.

"but you are...awkward ale. very very awkward!" olga winced as alexia's mouth formed a small o and she pulled her hands away. "no i am not! i play for barça, i go to fun events, i go to restaurants and bars and i travel and take nice photos. i take lots of photos of you all the time! i'm cool, i am!" alexia spiraled further as olga grabbed her hands again.

"you are thirty alexia, she is seventeen. i am sure its not personal! you are very cool amor, very cool." olga cooed in an attempt to soothe the blonde who scowled, crossing her arms and laying back down in bed.

"you are to your hermanita probably just...a little too old for her close friends story mi vida." "olga!"

~

you jolted upright in bed, body drenched in sweat and chest heaving as you struggled to catch your breath, tucking your knees up to your chest and rocking slightly with your eyes closed.

you hadn't had a nightmare in years but the one you'd just awoken from after the day you'd had meant your entire body was rigid and coiled with a cocktail of anxiety and dread.

being in your older sisters house in a bed and room that wasn't yours was not helping in the slightest. as your eyes adjusted to the darkness you kicked off the unfamiliar sheets which felt sticky and foreign against your skin.

managing to slow your breathing down a little you found your throat was dry, stripping off your hoodie and quietly leaving your room. a quick glance down the hall showing alexia's bedroom light was off you made a beeline for the kitchen.

you checked a few different cupboards before finally finding the glasses, doing your best to be quiet as you filled it with water and chugged it down, not hearing the soft footsteps which followed yor own.

"hermana?" you jumped a foot in the air and just caught the now empty glass by your fingertips as you nearly dropped it, grabbing at your chest and bending over a little as alexia stepped more into view.

"don't do that!" you warned in a harsh whisper, filling up the glass again and stepping aside as alexia grabbed her own glass and did the same. "lo siento. why are you up?" your sister asked with a concerned frown as you pointed to the glass in your hand and took a seat at the counter.

"did you have a nightmare? you only used to get up for water in the middle of the night when you had a bad dream." alexia asked softly once a few minutes passed and you hadn't made a move to return to your room.

you stayed silent as alexia leaned on the counter, not wanting to push you but watching the look of internal termoil clear on your face as your hands gripped the glass sat in front of you.

"if mami died i'd be all alone."

your words caught alexia off guard, a horrible sinking gut wrenching heart crushing feeling settling in her stomach as neither of you moved or spoke a word for at least a minute.

then once she seemed to snap out of the trance she'd been sent into she was rounding the counter, the thump of her glass against the counter bringing you back down to earth too and before you could take a breath there were hands either side of your face.

"no, no no no no. fresa you would never ever ever be alone. i would not let that happen no matter what i promise. i love you mi hermana, far too much to ever let you be alone. i would do anything for you!" alexia whispered out, holding your face firmly in your hands and her heart ached more seeing the tears pool in the corner of your eyes.

"then why did you stop trying to show me that? i have felt alone for the last year alexia! i felt like i have only had mami for the last year!" you could barely get your words out without your voice cracking, alexias stomach plummeting.

"because i am stupid and selfish and i saw you having friends and a life and i assumed you didn't need me around as much which was so wrong. i stopped checking in, i stopped making an effort and i hurt you. it is my biggest regret fresa, and not a day will go by where i will not wish i could change what has happened but i can't!" alexia's own eyes bore into yours filled with remorse.

"i know you are grown up now, but you will always be mi baby hermana. the same baby i held when you were born, watched learn how to talk and walk and whose hand i held when i walked you to school, who would steal my clothes or hide my boots so i didn't have to go to training because you would miss me and you couldn't come with me." alexia rambled, too far gone now to stop herself from word vomiting.

"the same baby who copied everything i did and snuck into my bed at night because you didn't like to sleep alone, who i would carry to the car when you fell asleep under the table at christmas dinner, who i tried to force to like football and accidentally knocked your front teeth out when i hit you in the face with the ball." alexia exhaled and finally stopped to take a breath before looking like she was going to continue.

"alexia." you sighed and pulled her hands away from your face.

"i know you and alba are trying, but it is really hard for me to see it as sincere when i tried for so long to tell you how i felt and neither of you listened." you spoke calmly, having swallowed the tears which wanted to burst forward.

"it is late and i am tired and it has been a really long night, i can't talk about this with you right now." you stood to your feet and went to leave, your sister grabbing your wrist gently as you paused.

"nena you would never be alone, vale? never." her lips ghosted your forehead but you were grateful she didn't pull you in for a hug, worried that would be the thing to tip you over the edge still actively swallowing back tears.

nodding at her words she let you go and the both of you returned back to your rooms though sleep didn't grace either you nor your older sister, both laying now wide awake and staring at the ceiling.

and alexia meant every word, she would fix this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

four

[thelostconsultant]

Take what you want

pairing: Oscar Piastri x reader

summary: Oscar shows up to surprise you, then drags you into a relationship that's everything but healthy.

warnings: dark!Oscar, toxic relationship

note: This is probably my last F1 fic, so this is my baby. Be gentle with it, please.

Since Nicole and your mom had been best friends since childhood, she was almost like your aunt, just as your mother was in the same position for her children. This meant barbeque parties on the weekends, big, chaotic Christmas and New Year celebrations, and other freetime activities that lately involved watch parties when Oscar’s race took place at a reasonable time. It was fun, really, like having a big extended family you could always rely on. 

You and Oscar were close in age, and while you were closer friends with his sister, Hattie, the two of you also got along pretty well. He tried to keep in touch despite his chaotic schedule, keeping up a channel for the both of you to vent, because you had both promised to keep whatever you discussed between yourselves. There were things he needed to discuss with someone, sometimes specifically with a woman, and he couldn’t trust his sisters to keep it to themselves. And if one of his sisters told the others, his mom would find out in less than five minutes too. 

Earlier this year he had broken up with his girlfriend, a girl whose existence was kept a secret even in front of his family despite the relationship lasting for a few months, and it hit him really hard when she announced that she was breaking things off. It took long hours of conversations over the phone, and a bunch of messages to help him move on. But then he got better, and he disappeared as the season continued, and you didn’t really notice, because you were just about to finish your studies at university. 

These days you just sent each other memes every now and then, only exchanging a few sentences before disappearing from each other’s lives again. So, when the idea for a graduation party came up, you didn’t even think about inviting him. He lived on the other side of the world, so even if he wasn’t racing that weekend, there was no way he would come. Knowing he thought you weren’t good enough friends anymore for you to consider inviting him felt like a stab in the heart. You should have sent him a message at least, just out of courtesy. 

Today you were planning to avert your thoughts from the conversation that had been plaguing your days, hoping that focusing on something else could make you feel free again. You still had a few weeks until you started your first full time job, so you wanted to enjoy your free time, so when your mom mentioned some new, fancy restaurant that she wanted to try out and secretly reserved a table to months ago, you couldn’t say no. Your dad didn’t like these places, but you did, so you put on an elegant black jumpsuit and did your hair and makeup with an excited smile on your face. 

Even though you offered to pick her up in your old home, she chose to meet you at the restaurant since she had to take care of something first and there was a chance she would be late. Wouldn’t want to lose our table, she said. So, you went there telling the host her name when he asked you if you had a reservation for the evening. There was a strange gleam in his eyes when he heard the name, but it disappeared as quickly as it showed up, that’s why you weren’t really sure if it was really there in the first place. He took you to your table, but when he pointed at the one, you saw someone already sitting there, a man whose face you couldn’t see. 

Hesitantly, but you walked over to the empty chair across from him, your heart pounding in your chest. But when you saw his face, your breath caught in your throat. “Oscar? What–?” you asked, so confused that you weren’t even sure what to ask. 

He flashed a small smile at you, then stood up and rushed over to help you with your chair. While your eyes followed his every move as you waited for an explanation, he remained silent even after taking his seat again. It was only after a waiter came over and poured you both a glass of wine before taking your orders that he leaned back in his chair and truly looked at you. “It didn’t feel good when you said you couldn’t count on me. We had a break at the time, I could have flown here,” he said with his usual flat tone, although you could see the emotions in his eyes. 

After all those years, you knew it meant he was hurt, and it made you feel like shit. “It would have been a waste of time to fly here for one night,” you said quietly as you reached for your glass. 

He leaned forward and rested his forearm on the middle of the table, his palm open as an invitation for you to take his hand. For a few seconds your gaze shifted back and forth between his hand and his face, but then you decided not to play along. There was a voice in the back of your mind telling you not to fall for this trap–because you had a feeling it was some sort of a trap. It was just so strange that he hadn’t contacted you or asked about you for weeks, and then all of a sudden he just showed up here. Maybe your mothers conspired again. 

With a sigh, Oscar pulled back his hand and wrapped his fingers around his glass instead. “I don’t understand you,” he noted, and his eyes never left your face as he spoke. “I thought we were friends, yet you didn’t tell me about your graduation party and apparently you seriously think I wouldn’t want to be here to celebrate with you.”

“Your life is so different now, attending some stupid party back home is probably not all that exciting,” you finally admitted after a break, immediately feeling guilty when you noticed his reaction. It was barely there, but you knew how to see and decode even the smallest changes in his expression. “Look, this place is really nice, and I'm glad to see you, but why are we here?” you asked him cautiously.

He took a deep breath as he finally tore his gaze away from you. “I just wanted to see you. When Hattie told me how awesome your party was, I felt left out, and then I realized I didn't even think of asking you how things went at university, even though I knew this was your last semester,” he confessed with a heavy sigh. 

“It's okay, you have more important things to think about,” you assured him, even though you did feel a little bad when he forgot to ask about your life when you talked. 

Oscar looked back at you, meeting your gaze again. There was something, maybe guilt that poisoned his usually calm eyes. “Is that really where we got to over the last few years? I don't want you to think you're not important, and I don't want to be an outsider when it comes to your life.”

You wanted to be the smart one, you wanted to be better than this, but the thought that had been on your mind for a long time now inevitably slipped out. This was the sour truth, the only thing that kept returning to you every time you happened to talk.

“I'm the outsider when it comes to your life, Oscar, and I'll always be. Maybe you'll know about what's going on with me, but you barely tell me anything important, and I highly doubt this will change in the future. Your secret girlfriend was pretty much the only thing you told me honestly, everything else was just some sort of inconvenience that bothered you,” you blurted out.

A grimace was the only reaction while he listened to you, and maybe, if you weren't imagining things, his hands gripped the glass a little tighter now. That was something you didn't like about Oscar, the way he could keep his cool even when normal people would be already making a scene. But here he was, sitting there in silence as he carefully tasted your words.

The waiter returned with your orders, and his eyes moved back and forth between you for a second, probably sensing the tension between the two of you. He placed the plates in front of you with an apologetic smile, then scurried away, giving you some privacy. The moment you were left alone, your friend leaned forward and licked his lips as his eyes burned a hole into your head.

“My mum mentioned that you're going to start your new job in a few weeks,” he began, waiting for you to confirm it, which you did with a nod. “Tell them you're not going. Tell them you can't go, then come to Monaco with me. You’re right, maybe I did keep you away from my life lately, so let me change that.”

Your first reaction was to laugh and shake your head as you reached for your glass and took a sip of your wine. With his usual poker face, Oscar slightly raised an eyebrow, as if asking what was so funny about this. What? Well, the whole thing, you didn’t even understand how he could think it could work. “I have absolutely no idea how you came up with this, but as nice as it sounds, my answer is no. I want that job, and when I hinted at not being such good friends anymore, I meant more phone calls and messages, not trips together,” you explained.

A long sigh left him as he shook his head. “Why do you have to be so stubborn? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push you away, let me fix it,” he tried.

Looking down at your delicious-looking meal, you had to realize that you weren’t even hungry anymore. What would be the point in forcing food down your throat when you wanted to throw up? So, you pushed your chair back and stood up, not missing the questioning look he sent your way as you grabbed your bag. “I have a feeling we would spend the rest of the evening arguing, and I don’t feel like doing that, because I still consider you a friend, so thank you for everything, but I’ll just go home now. Have a nice evening.”

When you tried to walk past him, he reached out and caught your wrist to stop you. “Don’t do this,” he said calmly, but you pulled your arm out of his grasp. When he realized you were serious about leaving, he let out a groan, then stood up and let his lips crash into yours in a kiss that knocked every coherent thought out of your head. He only pulled away long enough to breathe, resting his forehead against yours as his eyes were locked with yours. “I wanted to wait with this, but you didn’t leave me a choice,” he informed you, the hint of a smile visible on his lips.

The fact Oscar, the very guy who’s been incredibly secretive when it came to his private life, kissed you in front of all these people truly confused you. And he kissed you. He had never shown any sign of seeing you as something other than a friend he grew up with. Yet here you were, his palm resting on your cheek, thumb gently rubbing your soft skin as he waited for your reaction. But you were still speechless, you had no idea what to say. Not until you suddenly remembered an important little detail.

“I’m just about to go on a first date with this really nice guy I met a few days ago, I can’t do this to him,” you told him softly, your fingers curling around his hand to pull it away from your face.

He scoffed, looking anything but pleased with your reaction. “You haven’t even been on a first date with him. Come on, let tonight be our first date. I just don’t want you to say no, then realize you should have agreed when it’s too late.”

Gulping, you thought about his words. And if it didn’t work? If you went on a date, and it would be disastrous, and the two of you couldn’t even talk to each other anymore? “I’d rather keep you as a friend and not risk losing what we have,” you told him after some thinking.

Long seconds passed with his eyes fixed on you, the fact the gears were rapidly turning in his head as he thought being quite obvious. Shaking his head in the end, he picked up his phone and took your hand, dragging you with him as he quickly paid for the untouched dinner then headed to the exit. Your mind was full of question marks, you had absolutely no idea what he was planning, but you didn’t want to make a scene. You were taken to a car that parked nearby, and he opened the door for you so you could get in, but you hesitated.

“Come on, get in,” he said, his voice stern and making it sound like an order. You had never heard him speak to you like that, and it made you worried that maybe there was a side of him that you never had the chance to meet. And if he was like that, you didn’t even want to meet him. You’d rather keep the sweet guy imagine in your head. “Please, just get in. I’ll take you home,” he tried again, his voice hitting a gentler tone this time.

“You know, tonight was actually pretty good for something,” you began, earning a surprised look from him. “You changed, Oscar, and I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, after all it’s only natural for our personalities to change over time, but I don’t really recognize you anymore.”

When you pried his hand off you, he looked at you with the same emotionless face, and this time even his eyes remained neutral. You had absolutely no idea what was going through his head, but then he shut the door he had been leaning on, then walked to the other side of the car. “Yeah, well, you changed too,” he told you before getting in and starting the engine and driving off.

Following the disastrous dinner attempt you sent your mother a message to tell her you would jump in the next day to discuss a few things. All she wrote back was Oscar’s name with a question mark, and you sent her an angry emoji in response. You were a little mad at your mother for not giving you the heads up, for putting you into the position of meeting him in a restaurant full of people after all that time, but deep down you knew she meant well. Right now, you just wanted to tell her how badly things went and ask her not to do this again in the future.

The two of you were sitting in the dining room, drinking coffee and eating some cookies she made that morning, and you didn’t even know where to begin. But then you let out a sigh and said, “It wasn’t fun, mom. I was expecting to see you, and then he was there, and our conversations had been really awkward lately, so yeah, you can imagine how happy that chat was.”

She reached out to wrap his fingers around your forearm in a supportive way. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. When he called me and said he was here, and that he wanted to surprise you, I thought you would be glad to see him. What happened between you? You used to be such good friends,” she asked, sincerely confused.

Without going into details and accidentally spilling something you weren’t supposed to talk about, you tried to explain her how you both changed over the years, and how you were sure his life was now so much different than yours that maybe meeting him like once a year at a family event was more than enough. It hurt you, sure, because you still cared about him, but maybe going no contact would be the best decision to make at this point.

Before your mother could say anything, you heard your dad move behind you in the kitchen. “So much for your plans,” he told your mom with a short laugh as he picked out a bottle of beer from the fridge. You saw your mother shoot a pointed look at him, to which he responded with a shrug. “I’m just saying.”

And with that, he returned to the living room to watch some match, leaving you alone again. You raised an eyebrow in question, now pretty interested in what kind of plan he was talking about. She tried to keep silent and change the topic, but you warned her not to do that, so she took a deep breath and began to explain it. “When we found out I’m pregnant with a girl, Nicole and I began to talk about how nice it would be if you and Oscar got together one day, and when we saw how well you got along, it became kind of an inside joke. It was just a thought, a fantasy, not some super-secret plan,” she said.

It was… Well, it wasn’t shocking. You had always felt like they were trying to make sure the two of you could spend a lot of time together, Nicole even took you on one or two trips when she went to visit Oscar in England, but you always thought they were doing this because your relationship with his sisters was happening naturally, while the two of you sometimes needed a little nudge.

Since you didn’t feel like talking about this anymore, the two of you began to discuss the plans for your father’s upcoming birthday party. You didn’t want something extravagant, just a casual barbeque party with family, and friends, and maybe a few of his work friends, after all he had been clear about his wish for something that let him wear shorts and his favorite t-shirt with a pair of thongs. Maybe it could take place in the evening, so he could go on a fishing trip the day before and only get home early afternoon on his birthday. 

You both heard the doorbell ring, but your dad told you he would see who it is, so you continued your conversation, believing the guest was one of your father’s friends anyway. You couldn’t be more wrong, because he walked into the kitchen and cleared his throat to get your attention, announcing your guest who happened to be none other than Oscar. He flashed a small smile at your mother as he walked over to give her a hug, then he turned to you with a more serious look.

“The plane if waiting for us,” he stated.

Your parents exchanged a confused look, then your mother looked back and forth between the two of you. You had no idea what he was talking about either, so you watched him a raised eyebrow. “Us?” you asked, to which he responded with a nod. Suddenly you remembered the night before, his idea to make you fly to Monaco with him and spend some time with him. “I already told you, I’m not going anywhere,” you told him.

But Oscar seemed completely unimpressed by your resistance. “Can we talk somewhere private?”

You looked out the window, thinking about suggesting the backyard, but something told you your parents would be listening closely. And you weren’t even sure if you wanted to talk to him, but then you saw a fleeting expression on his face that was begging you to agree. “All right,” you said with a sigh, then signaled him to follow you.

The two of you went upstairs to your room, and once you closed the door, Oscar took a deep breath. “I’m only asking for a few months from your life. Just until the end of the season,” he said, his voice completely flat and steady.

“Which is in December, if I remember correctly. That’s pretty far away.”

He reached out to swipe a stray lock of hair out of your face. “Come on, what’s keeping you here? I’m offering you the chance to travel around the world and attend the races with me.” It sounded nice and all, but you didn’t want to leave, not now. “Your job, right?” he asked, apparently knowing perfectly well what was going through your mind. “Well, your boss is apparently a huge F1 fan, and he could be consoled with some signed merch. He even said they’ll try to find you a position when you return. So yeah, you’re free now.”

There were so many emotions running through you that you didn’t even know how to react at first, but then you decided to slap him hard. He put a hand on his cheek, and you didn’t miss the hint of a smile on his face as he watched you. A shiver ran down your spine at the sight. When did he become like this? The guy standing in front of you, with all the manipulations and plans he was ready to force on you, didn’t remind you of the kind person you used to know.

It was him who broke the heavy silence. “Come on, don’t make a scene. Just get in the car so we can go to your place where you pack a suitcase before we finally go to the airport,” he told you, his voice carrying the kind of authority that almost made you do as he said. But he noticed that you were still not willing to agree to the trip, so he cupped your face and leaned down to kiss you, this time being surprisingly gentle. “Just be a good girl for me, okay?” he whispered against your lips.

This was becoming too much for you, and your emotions were running high, causing you to start sobbing with tears running down your cheeks. He wiped them away with his thumbs, even flashing a sweet smile at you. “Why are you doing this?” you asked quietly.

Oscar placed a soft kiss on your forehead before answering. “Because I love you, baby, and I only want the best for you,” he said, somehow making you believe that everything he said was true.

About a month later, you were getting more and more used to your new, temporary lifestyle, even if sometimes it felt like living in a golden cage. Because Oscar wanted to control almost every aspect of your life. He took you shopping so you would wear clothes he approved of, he asked you to join him when he had to do his regular workouts, he picked out what to eat, and you didn’t really have a say when he met his friends from F1 either.

“Their girlfriends will be there, you will have company, baby,” he always said, successfully convincing you to go with him.

Even if you managed to get lost in conversations and start to feel good in your new friend circle, you could always feel his eyes on you, especially when you left the group to bring yourself another drink. Sometimes when a guy decided to try and pick you up, he showed up and pulled you into a messy kiss without a warning to send a message to whoever tried to make a move on you. Every time you asked him why he didn’t trust you, he said he just felt like kissing you, making it seem like it wasn’t related to the guy. But you noticed the pattern. He was possessive, and he didn’t like the idea of your attention ever turning to another man.

There were moments when you couldn’t take it anymore, when you locked yourself in the bathroom and cried for a while, hoping he wouldn’t be looking for you until you pulled yourself together. Moments like this you knew leaving him was the right thing to do, but there were two obstacles.

One, the flight ticket back to Australia was quite pricey, and even though you had savings to use, some money was still missing. Of course, you could have asked your mom to send you the missing amount, but then she would ask why when Oscar was paying for everything, and maybe she would tell Nicole that something was wrong, who would immediately try to contact his son to scold him, and so he would know you’re planning to do something he wouldn’t like.

Two, he always managed to shift your focus back on him. “I love you so much, you know that? It would break me if you ever left me,” he said every time he could sense something was off about you. And you, being the idiot you were, believed him and even felt bad for him. How could you leave when he loved you so much? It would have been cruel; he didn’t deserve to be left heartbroken. Sure, he was a little controlling sometimes, but maybe he was like that because he couldn’t control everything on the track, and he was frustrated when a race didn’t end the way he wanted.

For some reason his fans loved you. All they saw were the photos he carefully chose every time he shared them, and all they heard were short mentions of you in interviews or videos his team posted. And these were all sweet and cute, giving people the illusion that this was the perfect relationship. There were no signs of your struggles, no one knew what you had to go through next to him. Because every time you went somewhere public, you put on your brightest smile and acted like you were madly in love with him.

Even when you weren’t.

“Why aren’t you sleeping, hm?” he asked you softly when you rested your chin on his chest and looked at him.

His hand was drawing circles into your back to soothe you, but it wasn’t enough to calm your racing thoughts. You let out a troubled sigh and thought about how to say what you wanted to get off your chest for days now. It was the weekend of the US GP, but even though the end of the season was close, you didn’t feel like sticking around any longer. You’d been gathering your confidence and strength to tell him what was on your mind, you were getting yourself ready to tell him it was over, that you wanted absolutely nothing from him, but you just never knew how to say it.

In the end, after a minute or two of complete silence, you finally got yourself to speak up. “I want to go home. To Australia, not to Monaco, before you say,” you clarified.

Oscar drew in a sharp breath, his eyes fixed on you the whole time. “What’s back home that you miss so much? But fine, I guess we can travel there after the Brazilian GP,” he said, making it sound like he was doing a huge favor.

“Why do I have a feeling that you simply don’t want to understand what I’m saying? I want to go home. Alone. For good. I hope I don’t need to literally spell it out for you,” you said as you sat up, unable to keep the venom dripping from your voice.

He watched you in silence for a while, his eyes giving away that he was displeased with your sudden resistance, but you couldn’t care less. You finally had the strength to speak up, you weren’t about to let this chance slip away. So, you just sat there and waited, hoping he would yield and let you go, even if you had your doubts about the chances of this result.

Just as expected, he also sat up and curled his fingers around your throat, his thumb putting some pressure on your windpipe. He didn’t want to hurt you, he just wanted to make it clear he could hurt you if you gave him a reason for that. “I thought you were my good girl,” he began, his voice quiet but threatening. “And now this is what I have to hear? That you want to leave me? I give you everything you want, baby, why would you leave? Come on, you’re smarter than this.”

Your heart was about to jump out from your ribcage as you listened to him, which made it impossible to speak up without your voice breaking. He was trying to manipulate you again, using the delicately balanced mixture of a love confession and a threat to convince you to stay with him. Every time he sensed you wanted to leave, he pulled this sickeningly sweet voice, using it as if it was a siren’s song to keep you chained to him.

“Let’s just go back to sleep. You’re tired, I’m sure you will see clearer in the morning,” he said as he placed a kiss on your lips, then pulled you back with him as he lied down again.

This was the moment you knew there was no escape, and he wouldn’t let you leave even after the end of the season as you had agreed in the beginning. You couldn’t stop the sobs that wanted to emerge, and soon you heard Oscar’s attempt to soothe you, talking to you quietly and softly as if you were an upset child. “I love you,” and “It would break me if you left,” and “We are so perfect together.” It was truly sickening, but a very, very tiny part of you still wanted to believe him.

Maybe this time things will be better.

[rosehxnt]

bonjour >:) requests are open, and thus i am requesting leona, vil (aster is converting me how dare) and idia (again, i am being converted) with a s/o who drags them out to buy matching outfits and accidentally revealing their secret relationship?

it’s just an outfit

ft. leona kingscholar, vil schoenheit, idia shroud summary: even with the attempt to hide their identity, your boyfriend is noticed in public shopping with you warnings: invasion of privacy via paparazzi, use of they/them pronouns for reader (idia)

leona kingscholar  He seemed so nonchalant about it, only opting to wear a hat and insisting no one would care what a second-born prince was doing buying matching outfits with another person.  He seemed to be correct on that matter until five minutes after you got back to his dorm to lay down.  After changing into your couple’s black and yellow loungewear, messages began to flood your phone from your friends. Links to dozens of articles claiming to have the scoop on Leona Kingscholar's new relationship.  "‘Sunset Savanna Royalty Seen Shopping with Mystery Person. Could This Be a Budding New Romance?’” Leona read one of the titles over your shoulder, throwing in sarcastically shocked tone.  You glared at him as you turned to face him before your face fell in worry. "What if this…changes things between us? Since everyone practically knows now."  "I don’t think this changes anything between us. Not to me, anyway. We just don't have to sneak around anymore." He paused to rest a hand on your cheek. "You’re still okay being mine, right?"  You nodded. "Of course I am."  "That’s all that matters to me, love." Leona threw his arm over your shoulders to bring you closer to his chest, not missing the chance to leave a kiss on your forehead before continuing your impromptu nap.

vil schoenheit  It was his idea to both wear masks to reduce the possibility of being recognized. He was even smart enough to style his hair differently than usual.  Needless to say, Vil had a lot of experience trying to avoid paparazzi as one of the most famous teenagers in twisted wonderland.  You had insisted on going out and getting matching outfits despite your relationship not being public yet, he agreed but not without a warning of how overwhelming it could become if someone recognized him in public.  "It's no big deal, I can handle it," you told him.  "As long as you're confident, my dear."   The trip was going fairly well, you had picked out matching peacoats that would help keep you warm in the cold temperatures. It was when you were looking at sweaters that a fan of his recognized him and noticed your close proximity to each other.  Before you knew it, pictures were being taken as Vil took your hand to lead you away, tsking at the misplaced enthusiasm the public had for him. Once you were sure you were alone he turned to hold you.  "I apologize for the scene, I hope it wasn't too much for you."  "I'm sorry for dragging you out here." You glanced the ground. "People will probably start harassing you about being in a relationship now."  "I knew the risks before entering a relationship with you." He tilted your head up to look at you properly. "I don't mind at all, because now I'm able to be open about the fondness I hold for you."

idia shroud  It’s not like you were actively keeping your relationship a secret, it just hadn’t come up in conversation yet. Most of the time you and Idia spent together was either on voice call or playing games in his room.  You had asked him a few times if he’d be willing to go with you to get matching outfits. It never mattered what it was, just as long as you matched with him. One weekend he finally found the courage to go to the mall with you, as long as he could keep his hood up and face down the entire time.  You were almost jumping with joy at the prospect of getting your introvert boyfriend to do something he would've never done before meeting you. Yes he had stipulations, but you were just glad to have this bonding opportunity with him.  Idia quickly steered you towards the back section of a store that he claimed had "everything an otaku would ever want." You passed walls of shirts for every anime, video game, and vocaloid you'd ever heard of, and then some.  That's exactly when he spotted two students he shared occasional classes with. Said students noticed him back, saw how he looked at you with panic, and quickly connected the dots.  "Well if they're standing that close to Idia Shroud..."  "Exactly what I was thinking, they've got to be special to him for that kind of privilege."  You didn't get to hear the rest of the conversation as Idia dragged you out of said "otaku heaven," mumbling something about finding merch online instead.

a/n: sorry that leona's is a bit shorter, i tried to mix up each scenario the best i could m.list & rules

© rosehxnt

[monnn]

Am I the greatest bastard that you know?

staring: idol! jeonghan x non-idol!, gn! s/o

wc: 1.3k-ish

genre: ANGST. big angry feelings of reader, kinda fluff towards the end?

a/n: hi, ur fav angst lover is back! things have not been great lately and this fic might just be a vent of mine. big feelings and anger is very valid but so is taking a break. hope you realise that and take a break from life to just exist! to whoever's reading this, i love u, let things take time, take time for yourself, stay hydrated and BE ANGRY!!!

divider by @saradika-graphics !!!

song rec for this fic is The Greatest Bastard by Damien Rice!

knowing how stressful going on a hiatus can be, you successfully lure jeonghan into a staycation, away from the city. though han had to be present for rehab, you had checked with the doctor and he was okay with han being away for a weekend. doing nothing was the plan since jeonghan was actively burning out from working hard to the extent that he's injured, so he was looking forward to spend time with his loved one for a while. what neither of you knew was the fight that would gonna pop up at reaching the room. hannie had drove all the way to the hotel since you didn't have a license and all you had done after reaching there was ask what he wanted to eat since y'all had skipped the rest stops.

~ 30 mins before

"hey love, what do you feel like eating? i could order it for us" you ask a very eepy han.

"just anything, i'm okay with anything" he replies and you can sense the exhaustion in his voice. to make sure you don't get him more grumpy, you ask again to confirm if he's sure about his decision.

"jesus y/n! can you cut me some slack? just stop fucking bothering me and order whatever the fuck you want!" he yells, shaking you to the core.

here's the thing - there necessarily hasn't been any major disagreements or "fights" in your relationship, so the intensity of his feelings get to you. but he should've known better than to snap because your rage knows no bounds and hannie does know about this.

"well, fuck you with that behaviour of yours, i'm not gonna be ordering any food!"

"good! because i don't fucking need it anymore either!" he screams, walking away from the room. you had put great effort in picking a room which is right by a stream, surrounded by mountains and a temple on one of the mountains.

trying not to mind the rage and disappointment with han, you chug a glass of water before doing anything. but you weren't gonna let han off the hook because he was having a hard time. the value you hold for yourself is much more important and you've tried so hard to just have that value in your life for so long, hence you are not going to let the love of your life doubt on it. finishing another glass of water, you leave the room in search of hannie with some snacks and a drink.

you are yet find han with the passing time. he wasn't by the stream, hadn't left the premises according to the owner and definitely hadn't hiked up a mountain(cause bro was literally eepy). but the one place you hadn't scraped was the temple, so you hydrate and go on to check if he's there.

in fact, he is there. his silhouette seems regretful. melancholic even. hunched over and zoning out by overthinking. you stomp your way towards the temple, letting him know of your arrival as he fixes his posture and keeps his gaze down. leaving your shoes behind, you enter the temple and kneel infront of han to provide well-needed snacks and water. he whispers a small 'thank you' and you move aside to sit away from him. not that you wanted to, rather wanting to just talk without any physical contact. you see him chug the water and eat his snacks, making a part of you feel relieved. after finishing his nibbles, han thinks he's ready to talk cause he knows it's better to do this right now than to dwell and let it become bigger.

"y/n, i'm sorry. i am not gonna reason myself for my actions towards you but i do wanna let you know i'm really tired. probably beyond exhaustion. i love you but that was really wrong of me to behave that way when you were just trying to make me feel better." he begins.

"okay, i accept your apology. but i'm not sorry because i haven't done anything wrong. and i'm gonna have to get this off my chest cause if i don't say it now, it's just gonna grow and rot in me." you say, stretching out your hand for him to hold. hannie slips his palm in yours and there's a little squeeze from both of you before letting go.

"okay, i'm gonna listen what you have to say and i'm sure i'll have things to say after, but i'm gonna listen to you first." he says, reassuring you.

"thank you. i hope you know that i was just trying to be of help and not a bother. you snapping at me was unnecessary, which you know by now and it scared me han. for a moment, you were an angry stranger to me and it made me so angry too. why? because i don't deserve to be treated like this han, you know how hard life has been and still is for me." you pause, taking a deep breath as you feel tears welling up your eyes. but one look at hannie and you know he's making space for your anger, willing for you to continue.

shit, you really do love him.

"i understand how mentally and physically exhausting things have been for the past week or so. i understand so much han, i really do. but that does not give you any leverage to be rude or angry at me. regardless of the terrible things i deal with in my life, i'm really trying to be positive towards our relationship and this unconsciously might've broken a part of me. maybe i'm being dramatic but my feelings are big and valid. i love you but we'll need to work on this at our own pace, yeah? what do you think?" you finish, catching a breath that you didn't realise was held.

jeonghan takes a deep breath, before he begins. taking one look at you, he fidgets with his phone and tries to talk cause he has to start somewhere.

"firstly, i am really sorry love. i wanna let you know that i regret my actions and shouldn't have behaved that way towards you. it's just been really hard for me to go into a break from being so packed with schedules. i don't think i've rested at all since i started working and it's just a lot. it's a lot because i now am realising the importance of rest and that solely is beyond overwhelming. but now that i'm here, i want to make the best of it and spend as much time as i can with the people i love. again, i can't think of anything other than apologising because you don't deserve that. i have no right to be treating you that way when you've put your complete trust and love in me. i'm so sorry again love, i want to work on this. i'm not sure how but i wanna work on us, with you. i love you." he finishes, letting out a loud sob. you hold yourself back from going and holding him cause he needs this more than anything else.

instead you move next to him, taking one of his hands in yours. hannie turns to look at you and lays his head on your shoulder, not caring about drenching your shirt. you gently caress his hand as he calms down and give him some water to hydrate. disconnecting from your hand, he drinks the water and wipes his face but intertwines your arm in both of his the moment he's done. there's a moment of stillness felt, as he leans onto your shoulder, nuzzling further into your neck. you haven't felt this feeling ever and just being present makes you realise that there is always space to be wrong and learn in love. not sure if it's the same with everyone else, but you know for sure it is with jeonghan.

[going-to-ikea-for-the-fries]

I'm really sick and Satan's sacrificial waterfall is here AT THE SAME TIME!

I don't know if you do blurbs or headcannons, but if so, would you be willing to write for the boys (either taskforce 141, or singular characters,) taking care of an afab reader who has never had anyone wanting to take care of them?

If not, sorry to bother!

I don't typically take requests but... since I'm in the same boat (sacrificial waterfall is probably going to come over the weekend for me), I'll 100% do it.

A while back I also posted this: "You're feeling ill" and it's also along the same vein, if you'd like an extra little pick me up.

Period woes.

Rating: G Words: 1K~ tags: afab!reader but you/your pronouns, SFW!, fluff, comfort, periods and associated symptoms.

A person’s period might be the most hypocritical moment of their routine. They’re expected to continue moving, working and living their live as normal, all with a smile on their face, while their uterus actively attempts to cut off its own circulation… as if for any other injury or sickness you wouldn’t be expected to lay down and STOP for a moment and allow yourself to heal up, or at least improve enough to not be miserable.

But no. You’re expected to deal with it alone, to not show a reaction, to not be irritable, or groaning and writhing in pain. Take a shower, stock up on painkillers and slap a smile on your face, you’ve gotta go out in the world and act as if you’re not actively dreading every waking moment you spend on your feet.

That’s why you’ve learned to hide it when you’re going through your monthly. Your family, partners… not even your girlfriends know when you’re having it. Ever since you were a young teen, just starting out, it was very much a conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know, sort of moment.

But it’s miserable. You’re always miserable. Everything hurts, the cramps, the headaches, the back pain, hip pain, your sore chest… Plus the blood, the lack of appetite (or increase in appetite), the nausea, the fact you want to cry one moment, or break dishes and scream the next, the way your colleagues annoy you beyond compare, how certain sounds grit your nerves just. enough. to make you feel like you’re losing it… And then you can’t sleep.

And of course… he notices it. How could he not?

Ghost is discreet about it. He doesn’t mention it, doesn’t make a big deal about it… But he’s VERY good at taking care of you without you noticing he’s doing it. His love language is acts of service… So he simply goes around giving you a hand on whatever you might need. Food? Made. Dishes? Done. Laundry? Washed, Dried, Folded and Put Away. He finds you trying to do something? No. Give it here, he’ll do it.

The inevitable day that a leak happens and you find yourself angry at yourself as you strip the bedsheets off the bed, trying to be discreet about it so he doesn’t see it, he silently grabs the sheets off your hands and murmurs a “Go take a shower and change. I’ve got this.” before turning to put the sheets in the washer, clean the mattress and remake the bed so you can lay down again by the time your shower is over. It makes you emotional, sometimes, that such a stoic man will gladly take on every other responsibility to allow you to heal.

Gaz, blessed be him, is an absolute sweetheart… But he’s also a silly boy. He notices and although he’s not going to make a big deal about it, he’s still very… Boyish about it. Uses all the silly names for your period (“The Communists are coming”, “Shark week”,  “Satan’s waterfall”, “Carrie”) and affectionately calls you “My little ketchup packet”. 

He’s all for ordering takeout and getting you whatever you want when and how you want it. He’ll rub your back and be very careful about where and how he touches you. He’s ginger with touches around your waist and lower stomach, looks at you with those big brown eyes of his, as if checking that he’s not hurting you or crossing a boundary. You find yourself getting emotional when he whispers about how strong you are to deal with this every month… Keeps asking gently if you need anything… It makes you feel so safe.

Price’s older. He’s been in many relationships before. He notices your period is coming before it even does… Notices how you’re acting. Jumpier, grumpier, sadder… Notices how you toss and turn the couple of nights leading up to it. And he’s silently prepared. He’s made a supply run to the grocery store to get what brand of period products you use and some painkillers and puts them where you can see them in the bathroom. 

Fills you up with warm herbal tea and food that he knows are easy to digest and help with your state. No fucking chocolate and sugar or potato chips, you’re being pumped full of soups and stews and veggies and cut up fruit. He’ll sit by your side with a paring knife and an apple and slowly peel, core and cut it, before slowly feeding you (and himself) the slices. When you try to resist it, at first, too used to doing things alone, he’ll grab your face with both hands, look into your eyes and tell you. “And why exactly would I let you do that, when you’ve got me here to help you? How does that make sense?”

Soap’s… Well… Soap’s got a bunch of sisters… Each of them dealing with their periods in wildly different ways... So one thing he knows for sure: He’s not about to assume anything. You do what you’ve got to, he’ll adjust to you. He needs to go to the bathroom but you’re in there? Copy that, he’ll go piss in the yard. You’re having a cry in the kitchen because nothing looks good but you’re hungry? Talk it out with him, what do you want to eat? Let’s figure it out together, bonnie. You need to lie down in a dark room because of a migraine or headache or just to catch on sleep you’ve missed? Johnny’s blacked out every window, gathered every stray pillow and blanket in the house and will make you a nest if he’s got to.

And when you wake up in the middle of the night with a whine and a stretch because your back hurts and you’ve got cramps and cannot for the life of you get comfortable, Johnny’s hands are rubbing over you, pressing kisses to your temple and murmuring little “I ken, love… It’ll be over soon… I’m sorry you’re going through this…”

[spdrvyn]

i love my husband — miguel o'hara drabble

fluff. heavy inspo on this video.

sorry for the inactivity and the lazy ass title, exam week came around before i could even start on the next request and i did nothing but relax the entire break (which was only FOUR days) so i'll bring this out and see if i can clear my sched enough to actually do shit. enjoy!

the moonlit sky reflects beautifully onto the shining surface of your mug, filled to the brim of chamomile tea and flooding your nostrils with delight as your body melts into the couch.

work kept you on the edge of your seat for the entire week, it was non-stop meetings and non-stop emergency calls even outside of your working hours that had you so stressed. you were sure you'd picked enough hairs out to make a wig.

the weekend is truly a blessing, you want to stay as far away as humanly possible from your phone and shut yourself out from civilization before you come protector of debra's last minute files.

you missed the soft cotton of your pajamas, not like you haven't worn them in the past couple of days but to actually be able to appreciate what it means to wear them and the greeting of a good night's sleep had you sighing and moaning almost a little too much.

you worked hard, you definitely deserved this. you grab a spare pillow and tuck it under your head turning to the side and looking at the city that surrounded you, your patience and tenacity at the office has now been rewarded with the view you're able to appreciate.

however, the shadow that looms over the carpeted floors of your flat don't go away even after rubbing your eyes. you look up and a faint red glow in the symbol of a very familiar spider catches your eye immediately, you smile lazily through the glass.

miguel slides open the door with no hesitation, cape still drifting in the wind from what you can only assume to be his own previous working activities. you can sense the tension wafting off of him like waves especially as he stomps all the way over to where you are on the couch and looks down at you.

his mask isn't off, he's still fully geared, and all you can do is stare back into those lenses.

that is until he surrenders, body giving up, and his body flops right on top of yours. it doesn't really surprise you, there have been times where miguel has come home after a worse day of saving the multiverse and traps you in a hug before you can protest or move. though you've never really seen him do this before.

he adjusts his position, but still keeps his arms tightly wrapped around you as you move as well so that you're holding him back. his face is buried into the crook of your neck and the feeling of his nose tickling your skin tells you that he unmasked already.

not a single word leaves his mouth, you silently adore the way he's melted into you already, the way the muscles on his back rise only to slowly fall again.

you don't want to break the silence, neither of you do. right now, the only form of communication that matters is touch. your lips burning kisses into his curls, your nose now erasing whatever of your tea was left and making the way for miguel.

he shies away from your touch with a small groan, "i stink."

a giggle threatens to break out from the back of your throat, as many times as he would insist that you'd keep going anyway. "so when you do it, it's fine? i see how it is then."

miguel chuckles, he inches himself into you further. deeper. his breaths become less and less shallow, it's clear that he's taking his fair share of sniffs from you as well. "because you smell good."

"i ran a bath, that's why." one last peck to his head and you opt to just comb his hair instead, running your fingers through the strands and observing as they twist back to curl after brushing it some more.

both of you stay like that for a while, not saying anything, not doing anything, just being here. existing with each other. you always find moments like these beautiful, even when miguel is probably one work call away from shaking hands with the grim reaper.

in miguel, you've found yourself open to so many new experiences and risks you could've never imagined on your own. despite the many amount of times at the start of your relationship that he'd give you space and wouldn't be mad if you left, you kept still by his side anyway. you knew that he was worth it.

in you, miguel found that mundanity that he's never had his whole life. passing out on the sofa on his own never felt the same, most times he'd wake up still in his suit and would have to go to work right after anyway. yet with you, the stress ebbed away over time because he knew that you'd always be waiting for him.

whatever historians had with their relics, miguel had with you. not to keep them confined in a metal case, of course not, but he felt as if you were to be revered. kissed and touched with utmost respect and you'd bring the people their good fortunes and long lives. you certainly did for him and miguel might as well be immortal now.

his hands wander, fingertips delicately grazing over the skin tucked beneath your nightwear. he goes slowly, traveling up to your chest where he—

"miguel?"

his hands freeze, face going red. the guilt of possibly going too far is ready to break free from his heart and consume him until he can feel your body trembling with laughter.

"since you apparently stink so bad, shouldn't you shower first before getting so handsy?" miguel pouts at your comment, he already had the apologies locked and loaded for you.

"just a few more minutes, corazón."

[chibrary]

source: aarava on youtube series: f1, 2018

Aarava: What's your most embarrassing moment in your career? On-track, off-track, F1 or not.

Charles: Probably when I had to tell my mechanic at the end of my last Formula Renault race that I had peed in the seat. This was quite embarassing.

Aarava: I don't know how that conversation starts. “I've got something to tell you.” Right. So, we're in Italy so I have to ask a very important question. You know, a lot of people take a lot of solace in the answer to this question: pineapple on pizza. Yes or no?

Charles: No.

Aarava: No, okay. Marcus said yes, so I'm with you. 

Charles: Oh, no.

Aarava: He was going on about putting kebab stuff on the pizza. It was very weird, very weird. 

Charles: Probably some Swedish thing. 

Aarava: Yeah, I think it's Swedish tradition. So, social media these days in F1 is getting bigger and bigger and you're a really avid user of social media. How much does it kind of affect you on a week to week basis? Do you read much into what people say about you? Like, fans are saying about you on a race weekend or? 

Charles: I'm actually quite a bit on social media, I really like to interact with the people that are following me. Then, obviously, I think I am in quite a lucky position where people generally likes me. Hopefully it will last. Maybe some people will get angry now hearing this and start to hate me but yeah, no. I'm quite liked so I try to be as close as possible to the people that are following me.

Aarava: On that same kind of line: obviously, you're probably tired of hearing it, but on that same line, obviously, everyone keeps talking about what you gonna do in the future, you gonna, you know, have a stepping stone to Haas? When are you gonna go to Ferrari? How much does that wear you down? Like, do you get annoyed by the constant talk of it or do you kind of just blank it out? 

Charles: No, I mean, I understand that there are rumors, people want to know what's happening and obviously, when I was watching Formula One, I was also very impatient to know which drivers will move in which team. So I completely understand it. Yeah, I just hope that I will be able to let you know very soon.

Aarava: On another driver talk, you know, Ricciardo is going to Renault now, Alonso is retiring.. As a driver whose not like, I mean, you're a little bit involved, but do you read a lot into that? Like, do you take interest in what other people are doing?

Charles: Yeah, definitely. I mean, it's quite difficult to miss the news about Ricciardo going to Renault and Alonso stopping at the end of the year. But, yeah, of course. Yeah, I'm checking these also.

Aarava: Any funny moment with Marcus or previous teammates in lower categories or anything like that? Like pranks or just really funny moments, stand up moments?

Charles: It's difficult. I'm normally getting on very well with my teammates. So there are a lot of funny moments, to pick one is something difficult. 

Aarava: Okay. And obviously last weekend you can't get away from it: you got in a really horrendous crash with Alonso and lucky that he came out of it, really. What was the feeling like right when it happened? Like, was it just a blur really? 

Charles: Well, I just remember trying to downshift and, and go again on track hoping that there will be no damages. But unfortunately, obviously, I expected some damages and it was not possible to continue. So, just frustration really to not continue the race. 

Aarava: Your birthday is coming up later in the year. So obviously, if it's not on a race weekend, what would you usually do to celebrate your birthday? Like any kind of activities or a favorite meal or a favorite drink even to have on a night out? 

Charles: I'm quite boring, to be honest with nights out and parties and things like this. But honestly, I am, yeah, probably a bit of time with the family and friends and that's it basically. 

Aarava: Ok. Fair enough. It's a nice quiet night in. Maybe that Netflix question was quite on point.

Charles: Yeah, exactly. That, what I was going to say, probably it's on Netflix also.

Aarava: All you drivers post some really nice holiday photos over summer break. So, is there any place in the world where you haven't been yet where you want to go on holiday? 

Charles: I really like traveling. I really like the sun and the sea. So, probably all the parts of the world where I haven't gone where there are nice beaches. I will, I will try to go. 

Aarava: So, obviously we talked about your social media interaction, stuff like that and we talk about your fans as well. I think a lot of people wanna wonder, like, do you generally, like, actually look through your phone and like, actually see these tweets all the time and like, are you generally the one that's always kind of, you know, liking or responding like that because I know a lot of drivers might use management?

Charles: Yeah, I mean, I've had some propositions of people wanting to help me out with it, but I've never, and I will never, never want someone else to manage it. I mean, maybe someone could do it better but I prefer it to be a bit worse with myself doing it than somebody else. So it stays true and that it reflects myself more than the person that is writing a tweet for me.

[mozzaremi]

finally working on the ghost hunter au that i started a few months ago (?), but i did a complete rehaul on the concept

INFODUMP:

(okok, english isn't my first language and i'll probably edit out grammar mistakes when i'll find them, so please bare with me lol)

Initially, Aubrey and Kel meet as internet pen-pals, both share an interest in horror and all things creepy (tho aubrey prefers the creepy but cute stuff). While Aubrey is more of a casual fan, Kel is a full on enjoyer of anything and everything that's spooky: horror movies, creepy stories, and especially the ghost stuff.

Kel would always share to Aubrey about his fantasies of being a professional ghost hunter and maybe having a tv show all about his and Aubrey's adventures in the paranormal world.

Aubrey and Kel both live in the big city, tho Aubrey often visits Faraway as that's where her mother resides. She would often meet up a friend of her's named Basil: a shy guy who's really interested photography and everything related to plants. While hanging out with the flower boy, Aubrey would frequently do Basil's hair and makeup, later on he picks up some neat beauty tips from her that allowed him to explore his style. The visits to Faraway wouldn't last long, only being there for the weekends and holidays before she'd have to go back to her dad in the city.

Eventually Kel and Aubrey make a blog for Ghost hunting. Their content on there is amateur at best, but they gain a loyal following of other ghost enthusiasts, and non enthusiast, mostly just people who really enjoy kel and aubrey's friendship dynamic and their banter.

In their endevours, they would earn a loyal hater, who goes by "The Maverick" who would nickpick any and all instances of paranormal activity. Although sounding pompous and theatrical, he always finds reasonable proof to debunk all their findings.

Skip a few years, Back in faraway basil has to deal with the grief of his grandmother's passing, he would often stay at the graveyard just to mourn. The graveyard in faraway was infamous for having an unknown being living there, no one knowing if it's human and harmless or something paranormal and dangerous. No one has ever been able to get photo evidence of the entity, so they are more often percieved as an urban legend.

One foggy evening, Basil was back at the graveyard, doing his usual mourning session, when something sat besides him on a bench. Eyes full of tears, he didn't dare to face the person, so he continued with what he was doing. Eventually the person(?) starts asking questions to get Basil to vent to him and maybe calm him down and it works. Felling a little bit better Basil faces the person to see a guy his age in a very strange outfit. Once he got a better look at him, he jumped off the bench realising it's the fabled ghost boy of the graveyard. He runs away, but notes the fact that guy he talked to was very nice...

After that, he starts believing in a life after death, and his grief lessens knowing that possibly his grandmother is in a better place

Basil finds out about Aubrey and Kel making a ghost blog, there the two would film themselves searching through abandoned areas to find ghosts... or something, anything really. While they never found anything scary, they had a very good duo dynamic and Basil became somewhat of a fan of theirs. Basil noticed the poor video quality due to it being recorded on a crappy phone (android lol) and it inspired him to purchase a video camera.

When Aubrey visits Faraway again, he offers his cameraman services to her and she agrees. She introduces Basil to Kel and they all hit it off.

One day, when Aubrey and Kel are feeling hopeless of their Ghost Hunting adventure, Basil tells them the time he met a ghost in the graveyard back in faraway. They both take his word for it.

They get Hero to drive them to faraway, Hero who is a Uni dropout, he really doesn't have anything better to do besides taking up odd jobs to pay rent. He has saved a lot of money throughout the years of being uni-free and working at basically every retail job in the city, so the though of having a road-trip didn't bother him.

Once they are at the town of faraway, Hero hands them a packed lunch, and the gang is off to find a ghost! Being in the graveyard, things felt fruitless, not a lot of things were happening besides the fog that started to form. Kel got tired and started reaching for his bag to get the sandwich that Hero packed him. But there was a problem... there were no sandwiches to be found in his bag... Suddently his eyes meet the figure of the faraway ghost boy who was snacking on a BLT...

Kel alerts his friends to come grab some footage of the ghoul right in front of him, but an issue arose... the video camera wasn't working and couldn't get Sunny in the shot without the device glitching out.

The ghoulish boy named Sunny sees how restless, but persistent the ghost hunter crew was, he found their antics humorous at best, but once the big brother Hero comes to check up on them is when Sunny is on full guard

He summons chains from under the ground, binding the 4 visitors in place. Aproching them again he threatens to suck all the life out of them. They start pleading for their life and a idea accured...

Sunny gave them an offer to help him find his long lost sister...He is unsure if she's still alive or not, but he still feels the presence on her in the living world through the Something chained to his foot. In return he would spare their life and let them film him for their ghost blog. The gang agrees to his offer and just so they don't double cross sunny, he lays a curse on them that if they leave him behind on purpose, they would have their souls taken away from their bodies, turning them into lifeless husks.

AND SO THAT'S HOW THEIR ADVENTURE STARTS! they have this sorta mystery gang adventure going on, traveling across the US to find Mari while also having wacky high-jinxs and sunny allerting the others of ghostly presences in the area for Aubrey, Kel and Basil's ghost hunting blog content, just so they would get enough blog donations to keep traveling!

[unclewaynemunson]

Pt2 to this post is here 🤗 | AO3 link

When Eddie stumbles out of his room the next day, still half asleep and purposefully headed towards the coffee machine, he notices a crumpled piece of paper on the table. He frowns when he sees it's the note he tossed in the trash a day earlier. It's folded open again, and there's a mysterious, slightly gross looking stain on it, but the number is still clearly readable.

He takes a good few seconds to stare at the digits, written neatly with a blue ballpoint, as if the guy was doing his very best to make sure that none of the numbers would be unreadable. He can't believe that Wayne is invested enough in this to get the note out of the trash for Eddie, even though Eddie already made more than clear how utterly uninterested he is in this Steve person. He shrugs, crumples the note back up again, and tosses it back into the trash.

It goes on like that for a while: every time Eddie wakes up or gets back home, the number is staring at him from the table, only to be crumpled in Eddie's fist again and again and again. Neither Wayne nor Eddie say anything about it; it becomes a tacid game of who can be the most stubborn, and they both know that both of them can keep that up for a very long time. Eddie knows he could just tear it up, or burn it, or poetically bury it at the base of a tree at the edge of the woods outside the trailer. But something's stopping him. It isn't the guy, or even the idea of the guy – he's sure as hell that this Steve wouldn't be for him at all. No, it's the memory of the look on Wayne's face after he gave Eddie the number, all excited and proud of himself. It's the knowledge of how immensely lucky he is to have an uncle like that, who supports him and loves him exactly the way he is, even actively wants him to be happy with another man. It's the flash of disappointment that crossed Wayne's face that first time Eddie made a whole show of throwing the note away. That's the reason he eventually, after almost a whole week of moving the note from trashcan to table and back again, finds himself standing at the phone with the piece of paper in his hand. The note has become truly disgusting by now, with all kinds of unrecognizable smudges on it, but thanks to Steve's clear handwriting, Eddie can still read all the digits.

It doesn't take long before 'Steve Harrington' picks up the horn on the other side.

'Hey, um, this is Eddie,' Eddie says, suddenly feeling awkward about the whole thing and wondering if he should've thought through what he was about to say to Steve. 'You met my uncle at a baseball game, last weekend?'

'Oh!' Steve sounds surprised. 'Eddie! Yeah, yes I did – Wayne, right?'

'Hmhm.'

'I didn't really expect a call anymore, to be honest,' Steve says.

'Yeah, sorry 'bout that,' says Eddie. 'Listen, to be honest, I'm not calling because I actually think this is gonna be something. From what I heard – not to sound like a dick or anything, I'm sure you're perfectly nice and all that – you just, totally don't sound like my type, you know? But my uncle won't drop it, and it'd probably make my life a whole lot easier if I could just prove to him that not every random queer guy he meets is a good match for me, so... Do you wanna meet up for coffee sometime? We can establish what a terrible match we are, I'll pay for your drinks, and then we can move on with our lives without any gnawing guilt or “what if”s playing around in our minds, and we'll never have to think about each other again. How does that sound?'

'Um...' There's a pause of a couple of seconds on the other side of the line, then a small sigh. 'I guess the free coffee sounds good?' It sounds more like a question than a statement, and suddenly, Eddie feels a bit stupid about the whole thing.

'I'm sorry,' he blurts out. 'I totally get it if it's not really what you expected of this. You met my uncle, and I know he's pretty awesome, and, like, wildly attractive and stuff, but if you expect me to be like him – that's not at all what I'm like, you know. So it'll probably be good for both of us to get that out of the way. To establish that we are not at all attracted to each other and happily move on.'

'Yeah, yeah, sure,' says Steve. 'Sounds good. I can't wait to find out what a terrible match you are for me.'

Eddie is relieved to hear the guy softly chuckling. 

Pt3 Seriously the response to this silly lil AU has been sooo lovely, thank all of you so much for your kind words and hilarious tags, it made my day 🥹 Altogether the whole thing will probably get to +/-7 parts, so if you feel like that’s a bit much to keep following, please don’t feel awkward about telling me you’d like to be removed from the taglist, I don't wanna spam anyone!

Taglist: @phantypurple @love-kurdt @eddiemunsonswife @mackdaddyofheimlichcountyy @swimmingbirdrunningrock @paintsplatteredandimperfect @stevesbipanic @momotonescreaming @yourebuckingkiddingme @th3-r4t-k1ng @messrs-weasley @moonshadows-13 @im-sam-fucking-winchester @xjessicafaithx @yournowheregirl @henderdads @lwhoscribbles @courtjestermunson @steveisabicon

[avalynlestrange]

Foolish One

Theodore Nott x reader, Draco Malfoy x reader (Draco Malfoy x Pansy Parkinson in the background)

Reader: she/her pronouns, half-blood or muggleborn, no house mentioned, really loves sweets, desserts and kittens

Warnings: Toxic situationship, cheating, mentions of death, mentions of drinking

Category: Angst, unrequited love, best friends to lovers?, no use of y/n, short story, one-shot, songfic

Summary: In which you know you’re being foolish in liking Draco but will you finally learn your lesson? Theodore certainly hopes you do.

“Listen.” Theodore puts the book he was reading down to look at you and say, “Your cards are on the table, his are in his hands. Maybe you need to distance yourself. You’re just going to get hurt.” You ignore Theo and continue to think aloud, “Chances are, tonight, he’s already got plans.”

Author’s Note: This is my first ever fiction for a long time. Please be kind. English is not my first language and I’ve tried to proofread as best as I can.

Word Count: 6k

To The Library (Main Masterlist) To The Kitchen (WIPs) To Speak Now TV Anthology To more Theodore Nott fics To more Draco Malfoy fics

It was nearly the weekend. You had left Draco a note earlier this week in your usual secret spot to send each other messages but alas you had received no reply. Here you are on a Friday night, on the floor of an empty corridor, staring at a blank stone wall.

“Maybe he just hasn’t checked it yet.”

“Or he’s ignored it.” Your best friend, Theodore, replies.

“Maybe he hasn’t had time to read it alone.”

Theodore sighs, “This isn’t the first time he hasn’t responded to one of your little love notes.”

You toss a pebble your finger found across the hallway, and say, “It’s not his fault that his parents wouldn’t approve of me. He has to keep us a secret even to his circle.”

“Listen.” Theodore puts the book he was reading down to look at you and say, “Your cards are on the table, his are in his hands. Maybe you need to distance yourself. You’re just going to get hurt.”

You ignore Theo and continue to think aloud, “Chances are, tonight, he’s already got plans.”

You shuffle and lie down on his lap while he carries on trying to read his book. You turn your head to look along the corridor. No sign of Draco coming to find you.

“He’s probably at a party. Wasn’t there a friendly game of quidditch with Ravenclaw earlier Teddy?”

“I don’t know.”

“He must be at an after-party or some sort. Do you know if the Slytherins are throwing a party this evening?” You ask, gently moving Theo’s book away from his face.

“I don’t know.”

“You must do. You’re friends, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know.” His tone now has a hint of annoyance, lifting his book up once more.

“Okay then.” You huff. You decide to pick up your book. It wasn’t a rare activity, you and Theo reading together. Not always in the corridor. Often times in your dorm rooms. Often times in the common room. You were fond of each other’s company. It was something you’ve always done since you were children. Mr. Nott used to leave Theo at yours ever since Theo’s mother passed away. Your mother was a governess, and your family had a history of serving the Nott family.

It continued during your acceptance to Hogwarts. You both liked being one of the earliest students for breakfast to have a chance to read and eat and finding a spot in the library devoid of the sound of scribbling quills. The two of you sometimes even stay during the winter holidays as it was a lot more peaceful and merry than being at home.

You read in silence for a chapter and began talking again where you left off.

“Chances are he is at a party, and you know he hates it when I show up. Says it distracts him.”

Theodore groans.

And chances are you will talk yourself to sleep again.

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

It was the next morning and there you were in the great hall. Preparing tea for Theo and yourself. Theo instinctively passes you the sugar bowl. 

“What are your plans for today then?” He asks as he pours a splash of milk into your cup.

“I’m not sure yet. We do have that essay due for History of Magic on Tuesday.” You say as you hear a group of people joining your table.

“Morning Nott.” Draco says as he sits down opposite you. He greets you a good morning by nodding your way.

“Good morning, Draco.” Your eyes quickly flicker up and down from him to your breakfast trying not to look Draco in the eyes. You could never look at the silver pair for too long and not blush, so you best kept your glancing to a minimum when you’re in a group setting. You find it difficult as you are sat directly opposite him.

Draco gestures to the sugar bowl next to your teacup and asks you, “Pass me the sugar.”

You feel your cheeks getting hot as his hands brushes against yours as you hand him his requested item. It’s little moments like this that make you forget when he fails to seek you out that week. You are reminded of his little nickname of ‘sweet thing’ for you during secret rendezvous in vacant classrooms.

Throughout breakfast, Draco chats normally to his crowd. Occasionally you see him with his eyes on you and you lock gazes for no longer than two seconds before looking away. His leg touches yours now and then.

He gives you just enough attention like this in public to keep your hopes too high. What’s more, is that you get these wishful thoughts that these moments could be longer and known by everyone. But wishful thoughts forget to mention when something's really not right and you will block out these voices of reason in your head.

And the voices say, ‘You are not the exception. You will never learn your lesson.’

You shake your head, physically shaking these voices out of your head.

“You okay?” Theodore asks.

You assure him and yourself that you are, with a weak smile.

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

Later that day you briskly walk towards the loose stone that is your ‘Draco mailbox’ and pry it off, but like the day before: still nothing.

You hear a voice in your head telling you, ‘Foolish one. Stop checkin' your mailbox for confessions of love that ain't never gonna come. This will not end well. You will take the long way down.’

He knows how to keep you waiting. He did mention something about a group hang earlier during breakfast. Nevertheless, you know better than to show up when you weren’t directly invited. That happened one time during Summer last year when his group decided to celebrate finishing their O.W.L.s, and later that day Draco raised his voice at you in a broom closet for showing up uninvited claiming that the group might see it as suspicious. He, of course, apologised for shouting when he saw tears in your eyes, but you never got a single letter from him during the two-month break.

Yes, it’s best if you just waited for him to answer with a time and date. You sigh and walk to the library. You politely ask Madam Pince for a quill, ink, and parchment. She clicked her tongue at your lack of equipment but let you off this time since you are a prefect, and this was the first time you came to the library unprepared. With your head down you walk over to find the textbook you needed and sit at the nearest empty table.

You hear the stool next to you move and see a smiling Theodore.

“This seat taken?”

You shake your head, and he sits down. You continue to flip the book to a relevant page but don’t see that Theo was scanning your demeanour. His eyebrows furrowed. ‘This could only mean one thing’, he thought to himself. 

As if you could sense Theodore’s next question, you turn to him with a smile pasted on your face, “I am fine Teddy! Stop looking at me like that!”

You feign a giggle. You know how to act like you’re fine. You change the conversation and the afternoon felt lighter. Whispered jokes and snickers were exchanged for hours between you and the boy with the chestnut hair. It was always like that with Theo. He always knew how to brighten up your day. 

“Well thank you, Teddy. Now it’s nearly curfew and I’ve only written less than half a parchment.”

“Hey! You’re the one distracting yourself. I’ve written at least one piece.” You roll your eyes, grinning at Theodore tickling your nose with his quill. That’s when you see the scene. Draco walked past hand in hand with a red-faced Pansy Parkinson. Your eyes meet with Draco, and he quickens his pace out of your vision.

“That worthless pile of erumpent dung!” Theo curses. He knew this whole thing between you and Draco was wrong in the first place, but he never voiced his opinion so as to not come across as jealous. Merlin knows how Theo was, and is, very green and is slowly rotting on the inside.

But he loves seeing you beam when you talk about your dates, that he tunes out the details of your escapades and absorbs the beautiful shade of pink flush on your cheeks and glimmer in your eyes. At this moment in time, however, his heart aches at the sight of the scarlet pout of your lips and your eyes welling up. “I thought you two were on the same page of exclusively dating!”

“We… never actually agreed on anything like that. I… I don’t know what to call this situation.” You quickly roll your homework and inhale deeply to keep the tears at bay. There must be an explanation for the sight you had just witnessed.

‘But I know I can’t call you mine. So, I will grit my teeth and I will do my best to seem bulletproof.’ At the thought, another inhale, you suggest, “How about a butterbeer break?”

And Theodore can’t say no to that.

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

That evening you couldn’t help but walk along the hallway you know like the back of your hand.  By instinct, you stop at the stone and spot that it was a little ajar.

‘Meet me at the boathouse at Midnight. - D’

There it was. You feel an emotion somewhere between merry and misery. You settle for nauseous and blame it on the six butterbeers you consumed earlier at the Three Broomsticks with Theo. You decide to start walking there now. A few hours of fresh air could be good. Yes. A breath of crisp autumn air is what you need to expel this uneasiness in your chest.

“You’re early.” You hear when you reached the doorway of the boathouse. Draco sat at the edge of the ledge, his bare feet in the water.

“I could say the same thing to you.” A little bitterness in your pitch.

He pats the space adjacent to him and you sit cross-legged. The air is cold and the rippling waters in front of you hypnotise your heartbeat to calm down.

You both start to say something, then cut each other off to ask the other to continue.

“It’s not what you think.” Draco pauses. “What you saw earlier in the library. Pansy threatened to tell my father about the secret girl I was seeing and that I was to take her to Hogsmeade and buy her all the sweets she wants from Zonko’s.”

He reaches for his robes.

“Here. I got this for you.” He passes you a bag wrapped with a ribbon. “Sweet things for my sweet thing.”

You thank him as you accept his gift. You start munching on the sweets and offer him some.

“Does she know it’s me?” Your voice is a little too wishful than you hoped it would come out.

“No! Thank Merlin! My father will have my head if he hears I’m not seeing a pureblood.”

It hurts a little when you hear him explain time and again why you have to be a secret. But it doesn't bother you as much 'cause when your head is on his shoulder, it starts thinkin' he'll come around. And maybe, someday, when you’re older, this is something you'll laugh about, over coffee every mornin' while he’s reading the news.

You and Draco stay in the boathouse, telling each other what you were up to during the holidays, aiming candy at each other’s mouths, holding hands, and giving the other soft kisses in the light of the moon until it’s a little too cold and too late to continue.

“When can I see you next?” You ask.

He lets go of your hand as you reach the entryway.

“I’ll let you know.”

You nod and walk to your dorm. You were sure that you were going to see Draco again in hushed hours like this one.

But then the voices say, ‘You are not the exception. You will never learn your lesson'

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

Throughout the week, you were too preoccupied with checking for a note from Draco and stealing glances here and there that you fail to notice that your duo had become a trio. Daphne Greengrass had been hanging around you and Theo recently and you only are aware of her presence at this moment when your usual quiet bookworm is talking during breakfast, but not to you.

“It’s the first match of the season later. Would you like to watch the Quidditch in the afternoon with me?” Daphne suggests, her hand reaching for Theo’s arm.

“Sure.” The boy replies.

“Who are you and what have you done to my Teddy?” You laugh, “We have never watched a single game!”

It was true. Even if Draco was on the Slytherin team and invited you to watch once, since most of the school attends it anyways, you refused given that you and Theo had a tradition of having a picnic and playing Scrabble by the Black Lake. You two were never interested in sports.

“You’re more than welcome to join us.” Daphne proposed. You realise her hand was still on Theo’s arm and this somewhat makes you frown.

“Theo and I already have plans.” You stated, now reaching for his other arm, “Don’t we Teddy?”

“We can do that tomorrow instead. I am quite curious as to what all the fuss is about, aren’t you?”

“But we have never cancelled our… plans before. Even that one time you had a cold, you insisted we hang out. It’s our tradition.”

“I don’t mean to impose. If you’re busy Theo, we can hang out at Hogsmeade in the evening instead.” She says, her hand still lingering on Theo’s arm, so you have an urge not to move yours either.

“We can do both.” He accepts and his head turns to you, “Are you coming with us?”

You don’t know what to say. A swirl of emotions runs through your veins.

“No.” And with that, you stomp off to your dorm.

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

You saw Theo less and less that week and you start to spend more time with your dorm mates. You start to miss him. He wasn’t as early to breakfast every day and when he was, Daphne and other Slytherins came in with him. Your study meetings turned into group hangs but you didn’t mind it as much you said to yourself since Draco was part of that group.

However, your eyes were not gazing upon the blond boy but at the chestnut hair boy with his newfound friend.

Why didn’t you like Daphne with Theodore?

You made an effort to look away when you see him smiling at her. You felt your teeth clench whenever Daphne playfully slapped Theo’s arm when she was laughing at something he said. Your hands were in fists when she linked her arm with his when you all walked from class to class.

You don’t understand what you are feeling. You can’t be jealous about your best friend being interested in other girls. You decide you were just feeling a little replaced. That was it, and nothing more. Right?

But what really blew your top was what you were hearing now.

“Yeah, we can go watch the quidditch game tomorrow.”

“Again?” You exclaim but then remembered you were in the library and carry on with a whisper, “You’ve cancelled on me the last game!”

“Oh yeah” Theo replies as if he didn’t remember. When in all honesty, he never did forget. He was trying to distance himself away from you to lessen the aching of his heart.

“Teddy you can’t do this to me.”

“How about I make it up to you by taking you to the last Hogsmeade trip and buying you all the sweets you want so you can stock up for the winter break.” He smiles and when you smile back, he forgets about his vow to himself to spend less time with you.

You hesitate to say yes. You really want to be with him by the lake.

“And I’ll even let you drag me around to window shop to all the places you want me to.”

And you can’t say no to that.

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

Amidst all the happenings, you had forgotten to check your mailbox. You see a scrap of paper telling you to meet at the boathouse once again at midnight and this time you choose to be punctual. You dress up a little to make up for the fact that you might have already missed the actual date the note was meant for.

You are already on the steps going down to your meeting place when the clock chimes 12 o’clock. A chill runs through your body as you were not wearing your winter jacket but a cute, albeit thin, jumper. You were walking with a skip in your step when you hear her.

“Draco, what about your secret girl?”

“She means nothing to me. It’s not like we were going to get serious.”

You halt just before the entryway.

“But weren’t you dating her since last year?”

“Dating is a strong word. Now shut up so I can kiss those lips.”

So you run. As fast as your feet can take you and go into the nearest empty room.

Now you’re slidin' down the wall with your head in your hands sayin', "How could I not see the signs?"

He hadn't written you or called all summer and the voices in your head are tellin' you why,

‘He’s got her on his arm and you in the wings. You’ll get his longing glances, but she'll get his ring. And he will say he had the best of intentions.’

And maybe now you will finally learn your lesson.

The air feels thick that you can’t breathe and your vision blurs with the waterworks flowing out of your tear ducts.

Draco was right. You were never going to get serious. You knew this deep down and felt it in your heart every time you were with him, but the truth hurts when the reality of it all is said aloud.

When you finally get to your room at 3am. You don’t bother to change and sleep your troubles away.

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

You skipped lessons that day. You hadn’t meant to, but you woke up past noon and there were only two lessons left that you resolved to miss those too and went back to sleep. You weren’t ready to face people yet.

A pounding in your head awakens you and makes you sit up and reach for your water bottle by your bedside table but see a plate of pastries covered in cling film and a note stuck on top.

‘I didn’t see you at breakfast. I asked your dorm mate to send this to you. – Teddy’

That was sweet of him. Theo never fails to be there when it counted. You notice more items on your bedside table. You see a thermos flask, a book, a wrapped-up sandwich, a couple of more notes, and a red concoction in a small vial that was labelled ‘pepperup potion’.

‘I didn’t see you in class, so I asked Alison to drop this off to you. She said you didn’t look too well. I’ll see you at lunch? – Teddy’

‘I didn’t see you at lunch. Alison said your eyes looked puffy. Do you have a cold? If so I asked her to bring you some supplies. Make sure to take it. I’ll see you after class? – Teddy’

‘I don’t know why I thought I’d see you in any of the afternoon lessons today. How silly of me. I need to sort out a few things and I’ll see you before dinner. – Teddy’

You giggle at how much effort your best friend had gone towards to ensure you are okay. The clock above the doorway says 5 o’clock. Only an hour after classes and Teddy will probably expect you around 5:45pm so you can lounge about the courtyard before dinner time.

However, you felt famished, so you open the selection of breakfast pastries. Theo had picked out all your favourites. He’s always thoughtful like that. One time, you had mentioned your favourite book series with him and within the week he read all of them and bought you both the newly released novel by the same author so you can read it together.

Another time when you used to have recurring nightmares when you were little, you’d go to Theo and he’d read you passages from fairytales until you fell asleep. When you broke your foot during the second year, he insisted that he carried all your books to and from classes even though a simple levitation charm would do, and walk in front of you so no one barges you causing you to trip.

You really don’t know what you’d do without Theodore in your life.

You hear a knock on the door.

“Alison you can come in. You don’t need to knock.”

The door creaks open.

“I’m not Alison.” Theodore peeps in, his eyes on the ceiling. “Can I come in?”

“Of course. Thank you for your care package.” You move to make room for him on your bed.

“Of course. Couldn’t have you starve yourself.” He looks to your bedside table and states, “You didn’t drink the potion I made for you. It’s supposed to clear up your cold.”

He stood there by the end of your bed, his hands behind his frame. He looks cautiously at you.

“I’m not ill.” You assure him.

“Good, because…”  He raises a basket and a tote bag. “I’ve brought us Scrabble and a picnic.”

“But aren’t you going to see the match with Daphne?”

“Not when my favourite girl isn’t feeling well.”

You smile up at him. “But I told you I’m not unwell.”

“Physically maybe but I think you need some fresh air. Now go get ready. I’ll wait outside the door.”

“I really am okay.”

You assure him and yourself that you are, and you truly do feel it.

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

Your normal routine before Draco came into your life fell back into place, although Theodore was hanging out with Daphne more and more, which still annoyed you. Theo did make some time for you but not as much as you’re used to. You sigh. Breakfasts no longer consisted of silently reading, occasionally speaking to discuss plot points and characters, but with Daphne and the rest of the Slytherin crowd rowdily talking.

You hadn’t spoken to Draco at all ever since that night at the boathouse. He never even addressed it. Not that you checked the mailbox. If he really cared he would have said something by this point, but judging by his actions and the words you heard that night, you had accepted weeks ago that whatever was between you was over.

“So, what are we all doing for the last trip to Hogsmeade today then?” Draco asks, but his eyes lock with yours.

“I’m having tea and shopping with the girlies.” Daphne wriggles her shoulders excitedly. She looks to you and extends an invitation.

To which you thank her but decline politely, “Teddy promised me a full weekend of sweets and shopping. Isn’t that right Teddy?”

You aren’t sure if it is your imagination, but you see a twinkle in Theo’s eyes as he beams at you confirming your plans. You put your arm through his and squeeze it in excitement.

Theo chuckled. “I already regret adding the window-shopping part.”

You head to your dorm to pick up your cardigan as Theo insisted you needed more layers for the winter weather. A figure stops you in your tracks.

“Didn’t know you had a thing for Nott.” Draco sneered.

“Not really your business to know who or who I don’t have a thing for Malfoy.”

He grabs your hand and pulls you to the side.

“What do you think you’re doing?” You try to shrug off his hand, but he wasn’t letting go.

“What happened to us? I thought we were dating, and you left me hanging for weeks.”

“Dating is a strong word.” You spit his words back to him like venom.

That’s when he releases your hand.

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

Your day with Theo went by so fast. You started off at Zonko’s so you can graze snacks while you peruse through each shop. Theo swears you haven’t skipped any stores but doesn’t complain at all. The conversations flowed easily. You stayed the longest time at the pets and familiars shop to pet all the kittens. He literally had to drag you away with a bribe of pumpkin pie for lunch.

Many days have gone by where you spent time away from each other. Reasons varied as Theo tells you he was busy with whatever excuse he had that day. You noticed that he’d been avoiding you recently. You’re glad that you get to make up for all those hours now.

You share a slice of pumpkin pie and beg Theo to take you back to the pets and familiars shop. He rolls his eyes, but you know he can’t refuse the thought of the adorable kittens. Little do you know that it’s your cuteness he can’t resist.

The two of you start to walk onward to your mission when you see a glimpse of Draco hand in hand with a red-faced Pansy. You knew it. But strangely, you find yourself not upset by it.

“Theo! They still have our favourite!” You jump up and down like a child outside a toy store.

He watches you smiling as you all but ran into the store. You remain surrounded by kittens until a shop assistant ushered you out at the behest of their manager. Reluctantly you say goodbye to the animals and staff and are shocked to see that the sky was magenta-coloured, signalling that the evening is arriving.

 “I’m hungry, are you?” You inspect all the choices of venue you had for dinner.

“Starving. Let’s go in there.” He gestures toward Madam Puddifoot’s Tea Shop. “I heard they have a great selection of drinks and desserts.”

You follow Theo even though you seem to recall that other students have previously mentioned that they take their dates there. Having never visited since Draco was the first boy you have “gone out with”, and your meetings never involved crowded places and three would have been a crowd, you were excited to finally step into the dainty looking café.

He opens the door for you and a bell rings. You were seated straight away, and it didn’t take long for a staff member to take your order. Examining the people around, you notice a trend of couples holding hands and gazing into one another’s eyes. Did Theo really mean to take you in here?

Detecting your initial discomfort, Theo apologises, “I didn’t know it would be like this here. We can leave if you want?”

“Nonsense! It’s a nice place. Plus, I’m excited for my drink to arrive.” Grinning at him, you take in the view of bows and lace everywhere.

Even though the atmosphere was romantic, you felt at ease being there with Theo. You push back questions you had whenever you sense that his eyes were trying to read your thoughts or when his hand stayed on yours longer than friends should.

He orders a funfetti cake for dessert and you both split each other’s sweet course. Before you know it, it was nearly time to head back to the castle. Another ring of the bell and you were standing in front of the entrance.

You shiver slightly and Theo quickly unwraps his scarf.

“Teddy I’m fine!”

“No, you’re cold. Don’t argue.” He wraps his green scarf around your neck. You inhale the scent of smoke and sandalwood. You bury your cheeks into the scarf to hide the pink colour threatening to expose how much you like the fact you are enveloped by a piece of his clothing.

“I guess it’s time to head back.” You say but see Theo looking distracted.

You look up to see a mistletoe wrapped with a ribbon on the pole of the tea shop’s sign.

He looks at you and tilts his head. Was that him asking for permission?

You shrug then nod at him. “It’s a known tradition after all.”

“Of course.”

Theo leans in close enough so that the clouds you exhale from your lungs mingle in the air. He moves a strand of loose hair and tucks them behind your ear. His hand stays on your face and his eyes flicker down to your lips. You close the gap between you.

You are kissing Theo under the mistletoe.

At first, the kiss is gentle as if he is being wary of the line you were crossing, but when you reach to run his hair with your hands, he pulls you in deeper. You gasp for air, and he takes it as an opportunity to explore you with his tongue.

Thoughts pull you back to reality.

You are kissing Theo under the mistletoe.

Stepping back, you stare at him wide-eyed.

“I have to go.” You say breaking the silence.

And you didn’t see how Theodore’s eyes follow you.

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

You didn’t actually have to go anywhere; you just needed some space to cool down. Your cheeks were burning red, and you didn’t want Theo to see you like that. Especially since he only kissed you because of the mistletoe. Especially since you enjoyed kissing him. Especially when the voices in your head are back saying, ‘Foolish one you will take the long way down.’

This time you don’t want to learn the hard way. You can’t be falling for him like this. You didn’t want to lose him if it goes sour.

“You’ve been walking in circles.” Theo calls out to you, “Where are you trying to go?”

You stop your feet but don’t turn back to face him.

“I was just heading to…” Your voice fades out to a mumble, and you begin to walk once more.

Theo lightly grasps your arm, and you jump at how fast he caught up to you. You face him.

“You never said anything.” He states.

“It was just a kiss. We were just under a mistletoe.” You look down, kicking the pebbles near your feet.

“You never said anything.” You echo.

“Yeah, we were just under a mistletoe.”

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

The last week of term dragged on. Theo and you never mention that night to anybody. And if it was even possible, you saw him less than the week before. You are determined to fix your situation. The past two days were unbearable. So, you corner him on his way to the library.

“Why are you ignoring me, Teddy?” You simply question.

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. You keep avoiding me in the halls and speaking monosyllabically to me in class. Why?”

“I’m not.”

“You are. We’re friends, aren’t we? Can’t you tell me what’s wrong?” You ask, gently moving his arm and motioning him to face you.

“Maybe I want more.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re so blind, you can’t even see that I’ve been right here! In love with you since I could remember.”

“Your father would never approve of me.”

“I don’t care. I don’t care what he thinks. I don’t care about your blood status! I accept you for who you are! But waiting all these years for you to see me like I see you have been crushing my heart slowly.”

You stare at him wide-eyed.

“I have to go.” He says.

And it’s your turn to follow Theo with your eyes.

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

You couldn’t sleep at all that night replaying Theo’s confession. You think about all the ways you could have responded and use that moment as a chance for you to voice out your growing feelings. Now he probably despises you.

You recite how you were going to confront Theo for the next day, word for word since you want to accurately tell him that you reciprocate his sentiment. But toss and turn again at the thought of what-ifs.

You get up early and ready yourself for the day mentally. You don’t grab any breakfast because you already felt so queasy. The voices in your head say to you, ‘Foolish one The day is gonna come for your confessions of love.’

This time you were in harmony. You were going to tell Theo everything. How foolish you had been. How you can’t imagine life without him. You head to his dorm room as you know it’s typically empty at this time of the morning and Theo habitually returns to his dorm just after breakfast to put down his books.

You had 2 free periods back-to-back on a Thursday morning, so you have ample time to gush about your feelings. You spot that his door was slightly ajar and knock anyways. The force swings the door slowly open. The room was empty. You sit on Theo’s bed and look around. You notice a few crumpled-up pieces of paper in the bin next to his nightstand.

Curiosity got the better of you as you unwrinkle one piece and gasp when you notice it was addressed to you. You pick up more pieces and all of them are confessions to you, describing how he felt during the day he wrote them. All this time you were waiting for confessions of love and thought they were never going to come, and there they were sitting in a pile of rubbish.

All signed off as:

Yours,

Teddy

Could he be? Yours?

You run to the Slytherin common room and don’t see Theo anywhere. You spot Blaise playing chess with Tracey.

“Have you seen Theo?” You interrupt them.

“He’s gone on a date with Daphne.” Tracey replies, focused on her match as Blaise’s bishop takes her knight.

He can’t. Be yours.

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

It was the last day of the first term, and you sit at your usual far corner of the great hall for breakfast. No Theodore in sight. You set up extra early since you left him a note by his bedside table the day before to meet him at 6:30 when the meal starts.

There he was. Your note is in his hands and you watch him as he walks to you and knits his brows.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, a little worried.

He sits opposite you instead of his usual spot next to you. You bring your hands above the table and show his letters in your hand.

“This. This is what’s wrong.”

“Look I…”

You cut him off. “Why didn’t you send them?”

He stares at you blankly and scratches his head. “What do you mean send them?”

“You fool. I would’ve walked out sooner and run to you.”

“I didn’t think you felt the same way. That’s why I threw them out. You didn’t come to me to talk after what happened in the hallway and you never brought up the kiss again.”

You blush at the memory.

“How did you get those anyways?” His eyes narrow.

“Never mind about that. Didn’t you hear me?”

“Hear what?”

“You’re really going to make me say it?”

“Say what?”

After hours of rehearsal, you could only utter 5 words. “I feel the same way.”

He beams for a second and then frowns to ask,

“What about Draco?”

“When all is said and done, he just wasn’t the one.”

His smile returns and you swear it’s brighter than the morning sun. He reaches over and holds your hand and tells you, “I don’t know how long I’ve waited for you to say those words.”

He pulls you over the table knocking over the goblet and food that had appeared and pecks you on the lips.

“What about Daphne? Aren’t you with her?”

“No, she just wasn’t the one.”

You've reached this far! Here's a bonus:

It was Christmas day and you were in the great hall ready for the feast, dressed in a sweater Theo bought you so that you can match on this occasion. In one hand you have Theo and in the other a carefully wrapped present and you sat next in your self-assigned corner of the room.

"Let's pull a cracker!" You say eagerly.

And soon both of you adorn paper crowns on your head.

"Dinner doesn't start for another 15 minutes" He informs you.

You pout replying, "So why did you rush me out of my dorm so quickly?"

"So I can give you this." He places a fairly large box in front of you.

"Thank you, Teddy!" You tilt your head when you notice holes all around the box. "What's up with the holes?"

"Just open it." He excitedly insists.

"Okay okay. Thank you." You undo the ribbon and take off the lid. You squeal as you spot the kitten you had been eyeing at the store that evening of what you both have agreed to be your first date.

"I can't thank you enough! I love her so much." You carefully lift the kitten out of the box to cuddle her.

"Anything for you darling. What are you going to name her?"

⳾*⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*❀⑅*⳾

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it <3 I didn't plan to write it this long. I hope you didn't mind.

I welcome any feedback or criticism.

[shaunamilfman]

Dating Jackieshauna

pre-crash headcanons

mentioned this before but i love the idea of y/n dating Shauna first and Jackie kind of just being like “scoot over, I love yall”. i just think it would be a really interesting dynamic for Shauna specifically who tends to feel as if Jackie runs her life in the first place. Shauna would be a little reluctant at first if only because she enjoys having something that Jackie wants for once, but would probably be the first person to actually bring it up to you to test the waters. Shauna for sure would be Jackie's wingman to her own partner; They're such losers, honestly. 

so so jealous. they're not jealous of each other, just literally everybody else. they're both extremely jealous people on their own, but putting them together just makes it exponentially worse. like it will really be two dumbass girls who tell each other “exactly!” they'll concoct an entire backstory for the guy you're talking to outside of class in the five minutes he's talking to you about a group project

Jackie and Shauna get into little spats about who's letterman you're going to be wearing to a party. you're like “i have one of my own guys.”, just to get hit back with a “did we ask?? 🙄” 

Jackie raids both of your closets constantly. You wake up one morning to grab a jacket because it’s fucking freezing only to realize she’s taken every single one of them. you show up at school shivering and Jackie’s just like “oops. 🤭” shauna gives you a spare flannel she has in her locker but you’re still pretty cold all day. Jackie feels so bad that she shows up at your house later to return all your jackets and give you one of hers. you just roll your eyes because you know she’ll give it a week before she starts again.

teaming up with Jackie to be the clingiest partners ever. Shauna's trying to write in her journal and you and Jackie are in the background making out and just exaggeratedly moaning until Shauna gives up and joins you. poor Shauna doesn't get a single moment of peace: if you and Jackie aren't actively monopolizing her time you're lying all over her. Shauna acts as if she's seriously put out about it, but if you tried to be less clingy she'd just be all in her feelings about it just like 😔😔. 

Dating jackieshauna would be a very interesting dynamic considering they've been best friends forever and already know everything about the other. any time you hang out all together they'd always want to know things about you specifically. what's your favorite song, favorite book, etc. they don't tend to talk about themselves personally all that much when the three of you are together because they want to know you like they know each other. 

getting personal details out of them together is like pulling teeth, but the second you're alone with either of them they'll answer any question you have. the benefit of their dynamic is you can ask either of them questions about the other and they could answer it perfectly. 

it's very difficult to balance your time, I'm afraid. they're both partners that need a lot of attention. While Jackie herself is physically clingy (climbing all over you), they're both people that need a lot of gentle reassurance that you love and value them as a partner. I’m imagining a lot of Jackie getting Shauna to come pick you up so they can both monopolize your weekends after Jackie realized that they could effectively double their time together if they both got you at the same time.

jackie insists on trying to cuddle both of you on her twin bed. it's truly an effort in gymnastics trying to keep the three of you on the same tiny bed. you suspect that she prefers it to anywhere else simply because it makes it incredibly easy to lay all over both of you at the same time. jackie pulling both of you by the hand to her bed and you and shauna just look at each other like 😒

Jackie's ecstatic when she finally convinces you to do a couples costume with her as she gave up on Shauna dressing up with her ages ago. you're not super excited about it but you haven't built up the immunity to Jackie Taylor pouting at you that Shauna has. Shauna sees the two of you walk out and just starts snickering. you get your revenge come Christmas time when the two of you guilt Shauna into wearing matching sweaters. Jackie and you are overly affectionate the entire time she's wearing it, unable to resist the urge to kiss away her grumpy expression

Jackie definitely plans the most elaborate and over the top dates. you don’t think you’ve ever not had an absolute blast as she makes you drive her across the city to whatever she has planned. She always wants it to be a surprise so she reads off the directions, but she’s so bad at it that Shauna always ends up having to make like 4 u-turns in a 20 minute drive. you beg her to at least give you the map but she refuses. you finally get there and she’s just like “see, was that so hard??😁😁” you’ve got to stop Shauna from strangling her on more than one occasion.

Shauna loves to express herself through words and actions more than anything else. She writes you a lot of very pretty and thoughtful notes, and does little things that make your day easier. She likes to take you out on more intimate dates to places that show that she listens to you, things like bookstores or hobbystores. Shauna isn’t the best at expressing her feelings in the moment so she tends to either prepare them beforehand on a little note or just clams up until she can reflect on it afterwards.

[kiennjio]

An Shiraishi and her feelings

So, the Singing in Sync event was how An realised she didn't view Kohane as her equal so she got too protective of her and tried to shield her from mistakes which ended up disrupting their dynamics early on, but what if those feelings weren't An thinking she was more superior than Kohane, but her starting to realise that Kohane had a lot more hidden potential than she originally thought? Which resulted her in being afraid that she'll get left behind and be alone again once Kohane truly blossoms, so to prevent that from happening she subconsciously started stepping in to "help" Kohane and stop her from learning and thus growing and progressing in her skills? Yet she and everyone else mistakenly thought it was An not truly thinking of Kohane as her partner as no one knew at that time that An has anxiety and insecurity issues as she was always so confident especially in her singing.

In that sense An's anxiety and feelings of insecurity had actually appeared way before Bout for Beside You and mainly stemmed from An's environment growing up in Vivid Street and Nagi, both of which were explained in further detail in Vivid Old Tale. All her life, An has been praised and noticed for simply being Ken's daughter and all of them compared An to Nagi, which made An want to become even more like Nagi since it made people happy (and that's what she wanted right?). To the point that An actively tries to imitate Nagi to the best of her abilities ― her mannerisms, personality, and singing style ― which ultimately led her to where she is now, struggling to find her own sound because she had forgotten that she wasn't Nagi, and that means that her singing style would be different from hers. An's feelings of frustration, helplessness, everything, are what will truly make her stand out because her experiences are what makes her so unique, and to fully utilize that potential she has to sing with those feelings, like she did in Resonant Town (which Shiho picked up on). Hopefully Whip the Wimp Girl will show An finally embracing her own singing style and breaking away from Nagi's shadow, because thats the only way she can surpass rad weekend in my opinion.

As for An's and Kohane's relationship, it's actually still quite unstable although they have been partners for about a year already. They haven't seemed to form complete trust between them, which makes sense since they didn't get much of a chance to work together as a pair before forming VBS unlike Akito and Touya. Considering An thinks that her entire identity is 'being Nagi', she would definitely feel like it was being ripped from her after Kick it Up a Notch when Kohane was almost good enough to reach Nagi's level. If she wasn't Nagi, then who was she? An feeling lost and as if she didn't belong in VBS (since RADder had Nagi, Ken and Taiga which she thinks of as Kohane, Touya and Akito) is a given. An definitely doesn't want to feel jealous of and inferior to Kohane, and is probably guilty that she feels that way at all, since they were supposed to be partners and not rivals. Facing it head on may be the only way An will realise that Kohane wasn't going to leave her just because of that and start forming that unbreakable bond of trust between them.

[missjomarch]

Plz write me the fluffiest Nico you can!

✨ imagine ✨ like sick cuddles or sleepy morning smooches and falling back to sleep 🥰

No because I was so sick last weekend and my own personal Nico Hischier definitely would've fixed me right up. Using my favorite ladylooch trademark Nico nickname (sweets) in honor of you requesting this.

You felt fine when you left for work this morning, but as the day progressed the pounding in your head and the aches in your body only got worse. All it took was one look from your boss and you were being sent home to rest.

The drive to the house was only 10 minutes, but you honestly weren't sure you'd make it. You were completely out of it. It hadn't even occurred to you that you should probably text Nico, your boyfriend, that you had left work early and were headed home.

You left all of your work things in the car, barely managing to drag your own self up the stairs to the front door. When you opened the door, Nico was folding laundry on the couch. The domesticity of the action would've warmed your heart had you not been actively fighting a wave of nausea. His head whipped in your direction, clearly not expecting anyone to be entering his house unannounced at this time of day.

Confusion washed over his features when his eyes found you standing in the door way, and he picked up his phone to check the time. When he confirmed that 5 o'clock hadn't magically arrived without his notice, he returned his gaze to you.

"Babe? What're you doing home so early?" He's making his way towards you as he's speaking. You take two steps forward before deciding that it might be best to just let him come to you. A look of concern is growing on his face as he nears you, but he chooses not to mention your pallid complexion. Instead he wraps you in his arms, placing soft kisses to your hairline.

"Work sent me home, don't feel good," You manage to mumble.

"What's wrong, baby?" His chest rumbles as he speaks, lulling you momentarily. You close your eyes against the spinning room, willing the nausea to stop. Bad idea. Suddenly your yanking out of Nico's hold and sprinting to the half bath down the hallway.

You barely make it to the toilet before you're emptying your stomach. Apparently Nico wasn't far behind you because you can soon feel his hands pulling your hair back.

"Let it out, baby," he soothes, hand rubbing comforting circles on your back. When you're done, Nico leaves your side for a moment only to return with a cold washcloth. You take it from him and press it to your face, the coolness alleviating some of your discomfort.

"Sorry," you mumble, not exactly sure what you're apologizing for. You just know you don't love the idea of your boyfriend watching you hurl your guts up.

Nico shakes his head, "don't apologize. If I knew you didn't feel good I would've picked you up from work."

"I just thought I had a headache."

"Do you feel better now?" Nico's hand returned to tracing shapes on your back.

"Nope." Your stomach was still churning, your head was still pounding, and you still felt like you were on the verge of puking. You felt Nico place a soft kiss to the top of your head before watching him leave the bathroom again, mumbling that he'd be back in 2 minutes. Halfway through those two minutes you were vomiting again, and Nico came rushing back to the bathroom.

"Breathe, sweets." Nico coaxed as you gasped.

"Okay, now I feel a bit better." You sighed once you were done.

"Let's go lay down, yeah?" You nodded, wanting nothing more than to pass out in Nico's hold. He helped you get cleaned up before carrying you to your shared bedroom. He had already moved a plastic trashcan beside the bed and a new washcloth and water bottle were waiting on the nightstand.

Nico was sat against the headboard with you between his legs. The position kept you mostly upright in an attempt to keep the sickness at bay. Nico's right arm wrapped around your waist while his other hand ran through your hair.

"Thank you," you whispered, "I know this is gross." You could hear Nico's scoff lightly at your comment.

"You, my love, could never be gross. I just want to make you feel better." Your heart warmed at his genuine disheartened tone, clearly upset he couldn't magically cure your illness. Though you had no doubt he'd be the first to attempt it if he had the means.

"I love you, Hisch." The sentiment is mumbled, but Nico hears it loud and clear.

"I love you more, sweets. Get some rest."

[tgmsunmontue]

Saga of Solitude 10/21

Nepo!Baby Bradley and his life at USNA and afterwards. DADT fully in force. IceMav AU. (Begun prior to 'It's not who you know' - the non-angsty version). (Side Hangster, which is ALSO angsty).

PROLOGUE (He remembers)

HANGSTER FIRST MEETING (Lonely Nights - set 2009)

PREVIOUS CHAPTERS

ONE (2000) TWO (2001) THREE (2002) FOUR (2003) FIVE (2004) SIX (2005) SEVEN (2006) EIGHT (2007) NINE (2008)

CHAPTER TEN - 2009

                “I think I might be done.”

                Tom almost drops the phone and he sits up straighter, knuckles tight.

                “What?”

                “You heard me. I think I might be done. Not with flying. Just… active duty. Think I might try out for that test pilot program you keep leave lying around. You’re not subtle.”

                “Mav…”

                “Best of both worlds right? I still get to fly, but I’m not on the other side of the world. I feel like I’ve been lucky so far, but I don’t want to…”

                He doesn’t finish whatever it is he’s thinking, but Tom can fill in the blanks with a multitude of endings. There’s Bradley of course, but he’s twenty-five. But Tamsin is only twelve and Petra is ten. He knows Mav doesn’t want to leave any of them. He could add himself in there, if he thought that maybe he was enough for Mav to consider giving up active duty. He’s never been enough before, and he’d never be a fool enough to ask Mav to stop doing something he loves, no matter how much Tom worries.

                The days tick past and he hasn’t felt this settled or optimistic since Mav briefly took a break and simply remained in reserves when Carole got sick. Just the knowledge that he won’t be on active duty in a war zone makes him feel ridiculously pleased, even if at the same time he worries about Bradley. Lord he’s glad that the girls are local and he doesn’t need to worry about them other than standard parenting worries. He hopes they pick nice quiet and safe jobs, because as he gets older, he’s not sure his heart is going to take it if it has the same series of shocks it’s experienced with Maverick.

                His next phone conversation doesn’t happen until a couple of weeks later and he finds out the Maverick has requested all the paperwork necessary and submitted an application. He doesn’t let his shock bleed through, but he definitely feels it, accompanied by the realization that when Mav gets home from this deployment he won’t be leaving American soil for a mission again, not if he gets any say in the matter. And he knows someone will ask. He may love Maverick, but he also isn’t blind to any of his faults and his peers know that at least.

                “I’m 48, they probably think I’ve calmed down enough in my old age to give me a shot right?”

                Ice keeps his mouth shut, because he’s made it a rule to try not to lie and he doesn’t think anyone in the Navy will ever assume Maverick has calmed down.

                “You’re definitely qualified for the position. They’d be lucky to have you,” is what he settles on instead.

…            …            …

                “Can we have a movie night daddy?”

                “Of course. As long as the two of you can both compromise on one movie and not argue over it,” Tom says, because listening to them bicker gets exhausting. He knows he’s giving Melissa and Sarah a break most weekends by having them come and stay with him, and he wouldn’t have it any other way, but he finds himself admiring parents who do it all the time with no break in sight. He is so grateful that he has them, but he’s also certain that they enjoy Bradley’s company over his, with them all sharing equal levels of energy.

                “Kung Fu Panda!”

                Tom looks between them and they’re both nodding vigorously; he feels like he’s been set up, tempted to message Sarah and check in to see whether this particular movie has been vetoed for any particular reason. It seems completely benign and he watches it, entertained by the different characters and enjoying having his daughters curled up on either side of him. Tamsin is drifting off, clearly not quite as engaged with the story as Petra, but he’s not going to rouse her and tell her to go to bed, happy to have her slumped against him. It’s not until later, when he’s carried Tamsin, still asleep, up to her bed and come back down to find Petra chopping at the pillows that he realizes his mistake.

                “Daddy? Can I have kung fu lessons?”

                Of course, the warning was right there in the title of the movie. He should have known. She is such a daredevil and so full of energy and god she reminds him of Pete with every smile. He knows he can never say no to her, the best he can do is delay and hope that either she forget (unlikely), or someone else will tell her no.

                “We’ll talk about it in the morning.”

                “Okay! Love you daddy. Good night!”

                “Love you too peanut. Good night…”

…            …            …

                He swings his bag over his shoulder, feels buoyant as he walks toward the spot where everyone is disembarking. He knows he’s got his family waiting and he’s got four more weeks before Mav finishes his own deployment, has spoken to him about his plans to withdraw from active duty if his application for test pilot training is accepted and Bradley knows they won’t be turning someone with Mav’s experience down. But there are two golden weeks where all seven of them will be together and he cannot wait.

                “Expect your wife is going to make you shave that off before she lets you within five yards of her…” Bradley calls out to Flipper, who just laughs and gives him the finger.

                “Like you can grow a better one!” Fin yells back and Bradley laughs.

                “I can grow a better moustache in my sleep.”

                “Photos, or it didn’t happen!”

                “You’re on!”

…            …            …

                “I’m not a baby Bradley…”

                “You’re not even half my age,” Bradley replies, trying his best to keep his amusement from his tone. Tamsin will be a teenager at the end of the year, something he’s sort of in denial about, can still remember his early days of being a teenager himself and Sarah carefully placing infant Tamsin in his arms.

                “Which makes you ancient.”

                “If I’m ancient, what does that make your dad?”

                “A zombie. Have you seen him?”

                Bradley snorts, because Ice definitely looks half-dead, but he’s putting that down to his worry over Maverick, who is in the Middle East, but he should be home in about a week. Not soon enough judging from the dark circle under Ice’s eyes. Although the fact that Ice is for some reason now letting Petra try out a variety of martial arts may also be part of his worry. But it means he gets one-on-one time with Tamsin, who definitely seems to have something on her mind.

                “Bradley.”

                “Yeah. Sorry. I’ll stop changing the subject. Hit me with the serious question you wanted to ask me.” God he hopes it isn’t about sex.

                “Do you think my parents loved each other?”

                Fuck. Sex would be easier. Maybe?

                “Uh… Why do you ask?”

                Shit. He is not equipped for this conversation at all.

                “I just… they seem to love each other. I don’t get why they got divorced.”

                Oh. Okay. Maybe he is equipped to answer this after all.

                “Well, you know your mom is a lesbian right?”

                “So getting married and having me and Petra was a mistake?”

                Double shit. Reverse. Undo. Back track. Fuck.

                “No. I’m pretty sure it was anything but a mistake. I think you and Petra are both very wanted and much loved. Uh. Have you talked to any of your parents about this?”

                “No. I don’t want to upset them.”

                He’s trying to remember how old he was when they told him, how old he was when he figured it out. He knows Ice and Sarah won’t be upset, that they’ve probably been prepared for this conversation for years. And yet she’s having it with him.

                “I just wonder sometimes because I look at Petra and she looks so much more like Papa than she does dad. I look like dad. Petra looks at least a little bit like mom.”

                “Uh. Yeah. I noticed that too. That’s very observant of you.”

                Where the fuck is Ice when he needs him?

                “Do you think my mom had an affair?”

                “No. I know she didn’t… shit.”

                “You’re not meant to swear.”

                “Yeah. I know. This is just… I really think you need to talk to your mom and dad about this.”

                “Why? What’s so bad that you can’t tell me?”

                “Fuck…” Bradley breathes out.

                “You’re really not meant to say that word…”

                “Yeah. Okay. I’m going to tell you. But I’m going to be telling your parents, all of them, that I’ve told you. So you can go and talk with them and ask questions, because… I was your age when your parents got married. I do not have all the details.”

                “Okay. So tell me, what happened?”

                He gives the bare bones, explains, as best he can, about DADT. Agrees with her when she calls it stupid. Talks about his own parents and how both Ice and Mav married women, his mom being one of them, Sarah being the other. He ends up getting a picture of his parents from his room to show her and then holding her as she cries, realizing that he’d lost both his parents when he’d been her age.

                He explains how and why Ice and Mav hide their relationship, that he also won’t be bringing a girlfriend home anytime soon. Isn’t planning on having a relationship anytime soon because it’s simply in the too hard basket. Then he brings up the fact that she is very observant, that Petra does indeed look like Mav, and that’s because Mav is her biological dad. Her eyes are wide, mouth open in surprise and he wonders if he’s said too much. Hopes like hell that trusting his gut is going to have been the right thing to do, that Mav and Ice letting him know about his own mom’s wishes and then letting him make his own decisions about his own life. That they’d want Tamsin to also know the truth of the matter, especially as she’s asking questions.

                “Can I swear?”

         ��      “Sure. Go ahead.”

                “Holy shit.”

                Bradley throws back his head and laughs.

…            …            …

                Knowing that this is his last time is bittersweet. He walks over the deck and lets his fingers trail over the railing. He didn’t join to live his life on a carrier, being on a carrier is just a necessity for somewhere for the planes to land and refuel before they can get back into the sky. He misses the sky every time he’s on the ground, needs the wide open spaces which is why he likes going out to the hangar so much, the sheer amount of space around him makes it feel like he’s close to being in the sky. As he disembarks he can see Bradley standing and waiting, Tamsin and Petra beside him and his throat works, because he’s home, and safe, and he won’t have to leave them again wondering if he’ll not make it home.

…            …            …

                “Jesus kid, you look like you dad.”

                “Uh. Sorry. Do you want me to shave it?”

                “No!” Pete says, vehement. “Shit Bradley. You’re allowed to look like your dad. You do that without even trying. Just took me by surprise. He’d be tickled pink and so proud of you. Your mom would be too, scared shitless every time you were out of sight, but she’d still be so proud. We’re proud of you too you know. All of us. Ice, Sarah, Melissa. You’ve turned into this amazing capable man and I’m immensely proud to call you my son…”

                “Uh. Thanks. I think you all had a lot to do with how I’ve turned out…”

                “We tried to help point you in the right direction, but you’re the one who put in the hard work.”

                “And you and Ice taught me all about hard work.”

                “I guess we did.”

                “Can I ask you something?”

                “Of course, you can ask me anything.”

                “When you taught me how to shave… did you feel old?”

                “Old? No. Not old. But… a little sad I guess?”

                “Sad?”

                “Well, that your dad wasn’t the one teaching you. That you weren’t this little kid anymore. I was glad I got to be there for it… You planning on keeping that caterpillar?”

                “No. Just growing it for a dare. Why?”

                “I have something of your dad’s. He was ridiculously proud of his moustache, had this little kit that your mom bought him, little comb and brush, little pair of scissors. Been keeping it safe, if you end up needing it for your own then I guess I better get it out of storage…”

                “I… thanks Mav. I’ll be shaving it off before I report back though. Too annoying to maintain and keep tidy.”

                “Okay. Well, you let me know if you change your mind.”

…            …            …

                “You want to do my hair?”

                “Yeah! Can we but bows in it?”

                “Have at it,” Bradley says, so glad they’re both still willing to be a little silly with him. He knows with the current state of the US military he’s never going to have kids, not unless he figures something out with Natasha and he doesn’t think she’d put her career on hold and he wouldn’t expect her to. So he will make do with what he has and enjoy it as much as he can in the moment, knows Tamsin is very much on the cusp of not doing this again, is simply

                “Why don’t you always let it grow long?”

                “Navy doesn’t allow us to have long hair.”

                “They Navy is dumb,” Tamsin says, pouting as she runs a sparkly purple comb through his curls, and Bradley bites down on his lips to hide a grin. She’s been quite vocal to him about how stupid she thinks the whole institution is, although very careful not to say it within hearing of either Ice or Mav. Although Mav has just appeared in the door, eye bright with mischief as he takes in the scene.

                “You look very pretty Bradley.”

                “Thank you. They worked very hard to make me look this good.”

                “Papa! Come sit!”

                Bradley laughs at the expression on Mav’s face, but then he’s sinking to the floor beside him and Petra is putting bows in his hair as well and he’s pretty sure he’s never seen Mav look happier. The dark circles under Ice’s eyes have also gone so Bradley is pretty sure everything is right with their world.

…            …            …

                Tamsin looks miserable and Bradley isn’t sure what he can do, needs to immediately fix whatever it is that is making her look like this. They’ve grown closer during this leave period, with their conversation making her feel more like an adult, at least with him. Fortunately he’d been commended for how he’d handled the conversation with her, the approval of all his parental figures had hit him hard and unexpected, not aware how much he still wanted and needed it.

                “What’s wrong?”

                “Nothing.”

                “Uh. You look sad though.”

                “I’m allowed to be sad!” Tamsin snaps and Bradley’s eyebrows shoot up.

                “Can you tell me why you’re sad?”

                “I can’t go swimming…”

                Bradley blinks, confused.

                “Um. Why not?”

                “Because I have my period.”

                He rears back, the shock of the fact and the straightforward statement taking him completely by surprise. Sure they were like brother and sister, but this was new.

                “Since when?”

                “Since this morning. It’s not contagious. Stop looking at me like that!”

                “Um. Sorry. Just, uh, I kind of… you’re growing up I guess and that’s just…”

                “Making you feel really old?”

                “Yeah, little bit. Shit.”

                “You think it’s shit for you? You’re not the one that has to have it every month…”

                “I apologize on behalf of my entire gender.”

                “Good. You should be sorry.”

                He bites his lip and nods his head, holy hell she’s going to be a force to be reckoned with and he really should have invited Natasha home with him. Next time.

                “How about we go ice skating instead?”

                “Oh! Yes! But don’t let Petra bully you into playing hockey. She can wait until the season starts again.”

                “Petra is playing hockey?”

                “Duh. She tried field hockey but then complained it wasn’t fast enough. I think mom is a little worried she’s going to steal the car and take it for a ride.”

                “Ha. Hahahaha,” Bradley laughs nervously, because hold shit if he didn’t already know she was Mav’s kid, hearing that she likes things fast and a little dangerous. “How is her skateboarding going?”

                “Good. She’s managing some really cool things now. We should go to the skatepark so she can practice.”

                “You’re a good big sister.”

                “Thanks. I had a good big brother to show me what not to do.”

                “Hey!”

                “Kidding! I love you Bradley.”

                “Love you too Tamsin.”

…            …            …

                With a sense of dejavu he reads the news. Gay marriage has been legalized in Iowa and also Vermont. That’s four different states now. It’s like a domino effect and after decades of hiding.

…            …            …

                “Sir.”

                “Aubrey. What is it.”

                “Sorry sir. Nothing.”

                From experience Tom knows it is definitely not nothing. Aubrey takes her breaks with all the other support staff and has some convoluted but incredibly invaluable way of hearing of things before they become issues which he then finds he has to deal with.

                “Clearly it isn’t nothing. What have you heard this time?”

                He hasn’t told her about his little note-book, but he suspects she has something similar, even if it’s only in her own head.

                “You’ve known Captain Mitchell for a long time sir.”

                Inwardly Tom groans to himself, wonders what the hell he’s done now.

                “Yes. Over twenty years.”

                “A good friend then sir.”

                “Yes. My best friend.”

                She looks torn then and he frowns, wonders what she knows that he potentially hasn’t already heard about from someone else in the Navy. Maverick is not known for being quiet or passing unnoticed, which is why he suspects that their relationship has gone unremarked upon for so many years, many people assuming Maverick could not keep something like that secret.

                “Maverick was seen going into your ex-wife’s house… at nearly midnight.”

                He doesn’t let his surprise show, because while he knows there is gossip he’d never expected to hear it from his assistant. Also this is something he knows about, because Maverick took his car, because the bike would have been far too noisy at midnight.

                “Okay. Just to be clear, you think that Maverick is having an affair with my ex-wife?”

                “Isn’t he meant to be your best friend sir?”

                Oh. Wow. There goes the idea that she had clocked him.

                “Okay. Yes. He is my best friend. In fact his late-wife, Bradley’s mom, introduced me to Sarah. However Sarah and Maverick are grown consenting adults… However, if we’re talking about last week, well Maverick was there because Melissa was working a night shift, Sarah and the girls were sick and I couldn’t risk getting sick and Mav is on leave…”

                “Oh.”

                He swallows nervously, because he’d sort of assumed that she had put everything together, that he and Mav were more than just friends. However the fact that she thinks… well, thought. Until he just cleared that up.               

                “Melissa? The woman Captain Mitchell brought to the dinner last year?”

                “Yes. My ex-wife’s… wife,” Tom provides, and this is potentially where all his well-craft duplicity comes undone, however he’s never been wrong yet with where he’s laid his trust.

                “Oh. Oh. Sir.”

                “Was there a question in there Aubrey?”

                “No sir. Not at all. You have a very lovely family.”

                “Yes. I consider myself very lucky to have them all in my life.”

                “Just so sir.”

…            …            …           

(LONELY NIGHTS FITS HERE - Bradley and Jake hook up the weekend before they both report to Corpus Christi.)

…            …            …

                He’s known in the pit of his stomach that he and Jake were reporting to the same base, however he hadn’t realized that Jake was also a naval aviator and that means their circles of interactions are overlapping too much for his own liking. He doesn’t speak with Jake directly, doesn’t let any sign of recognition show on his face as they’re introduced. Jake is fresh from USNA, bright and eager and smart and also so fucking talented that Bradley can see why he’s here. Without even being aware of it he finds himself tracking Jake’s movements and god, he needs to get it under control and figure out a way to be more subtle otherwise he’s going to bring them both down.

                He wonders if he’d still have slept with him if he’d known.

                He needs to talk to Ice and Mav and figure out how they keep it hidden, because he’s worked too hard to get where he is to let it all crumble apart now.

…            …            …

                “Sir. Captain Mitchell is here to see you.”

                “Of course. Thank you Aubrey. Captain Mitchell, nice to see you again.”

                “And you Admiral.”

                He doesn’t miss the fact that she makes Maverick a cup of coffee.

…            …            …

                Bradley’s normal Saturday afternoon phone call is usually with Mav, and he’s just about to offer to go and get him when it becomes apparent that Bradley maybe wants to talk to him first, words exploding out of him.

                “How do you do it? Have your relationship with Mav and settle for… this weird half-life?”

                God he hopes Bradley is somewhere he can’t be overheard.

                “When it’s that, or the option of not having him in my life at all? It’s an easy decision.”

                On the other end of the line Bradley sucks in a breath, Tom isn’t sure how to take it. Wonders what the hell Bradley has gotten up to when he’s not even been gone two weeks.

                “He’s a rank below me.” It’s Tom’s turn to suck in a sharp breath, but a single rank isn’t unsurmountable. Not when it’s low and there isn’t a large differential of power. “I didn’t even know he was Navy when we hooked up the first time.”

                “The first time?”

                “Well, the first time rolled into the second and then… a couple of days and nights together.”

                “Jesus Bradley. Are you sure he’s not going to make a complaint against you?”

                “I’m not completely sure, but I don’t think he would. He might not like me very much right now, but I don’t think he hates me and would want to implode my career.”

                “Shit Bradley. Look. It’s going to be hard either way. Being with him, not being able to tell anyone, spending months apart, having to pretend you don’t care about him anymore than any other of your shipmates… But that type of hard can be worth it when you come home to each other. Or you make a hard decision now and cut your losses, walk away from it and then always wonder what might have happened…”

                “Yeah. I’ve already cut my losses.”

                “Okay kid. Okay.”

…            …            …

                “Hey Mav.”

                “Bradley. You okay?”

                “Yeah. I’m fine. Just… you know that moustache kit of my dads?”

                “Yes.”

                “Could you send it to me?”

                “Of course buddy. Everything okay?”

                “Yeah. I just… figured I’d try keeping it for a bit. Someone told me I suited it.”

                “Well, they weren’t wrong.”

…            …            …

                On Monday when Tom gets to work he asks Aubrey to collate a list of all current personnel going through flight school at Corpus Christi. Knows one of them is going to be Bradley’s maybe unwise hook-up.

                He also asks her to get him a new note book.

CHAPTER ELEVEN (2010)

[andhumanslovedstories]

I’m looking for a second career after working corporate. I’d like something away from a computer, workin with people, in demand, and more flexible. I do have some autistic traits though (one therapist floated it but never officially diagnosed). Do you think nursing would be a bad choice?

Here's a useless answer: it depends! I'll also give my usual caveat that nursing is a very broad field and a school nurse versus a dialysis nurse versus an ICU nurse versus a home health nurse vs a community health nurse are all going to have different experiences. You'll probably spend more time at a computer than you might like (documenting......), but if you get efficient at it, you can blast through it alright. Except when you can't.

And you will work with people! In any part of nursing, you'll be working with people, often in intimate and vulnerable ways. You meet a lot of cool people and get to be there for a lot of cool moments, cool and funny and profound moments. Working with people when they aren't at their best can be exhausting. Working with people when they aren't at their best and also you're understaffed and also someone is complaining of new onset chest pain at the same time someone else is calling to be cleaned up because they've been incontinent--it's really easy to exhaust yourself out of compassion. You have to care and actively engage with people's often tragic situations, but you also have to protect yourself from secondhand trauma. It's okay if this is not something you're comfortable or good with, but if so, you should probably think critically about whether nursing is for you.

And flexible--maybe??? Again, different jobs will have different perks. A lot of nurses work prn which means they have to pick up a certain number of shifts a month, but they aren't on the schedule normally. You just pick up as you want. Very flexible! But also a lot of these nurses are getting their healthcare elsewhere, usually a partner. Like any shift work, you can always swap shifts with a coworker if you can find one who'll do it. When I worked in home health, it was very hard to adjust my schedule because there wasn't necessarily another nurse that could fill in. And often units in the hospital will have various schedule stipulations--work every other weekend, work a certain amount of holidays, work night shift until you get the seniority to go to days or become a nocturnal little freak (me). I currently work in float pool, which makes it way easier to call out and adjust schedules because I'm not assigned anywhere specific until like ten minutes before the shift starts.

And with regards to the last bit, the autistic traits, I don't know exactly which ones you mean, but none of them are an inherent obstacle to being a nurse. We need neurodiversity in nursing. Some patients might find you cold or awkward or weird or whatever way you worry you might come across. Other patients will resonate with those exact same traits. No one's the perfect nurse for all people. Some people want to that extra care, some people want competent work and then to have space for themselves, some patients want to learn everything about their situation, some patients don't even want to know what pills they're taking. Think of yourself as a specialty nurse. An oncology nurse can take care of a variety of patients, but they're most well suited and situated to take care of cancer patients. There's a patient type that is a perfect fit for you. And the same way cardiac nurses deal with strokes, and orthopedic nurses deal with respiratory infections, you work competently outside your specialty because you have a good base for your practice, but you also know that you have specialties that you are uniquely equipped to handle. Specialties like cheerleading through physical therapy, calming down dementia patients, knowing the shit out of telemetry, making sure patients get a bed bath and clean sheets, using a machine to pump a patient's blood outside your body--whatever you most like, you're most good at, what gives you energy to work. I think mine are working well with "difficult" patients, managing pain, and stealing cranberry juice from the patient fridge. for me.

I'll say too if you're worried like a lack of empathy or easy understanding of other people will be an impediment to care--I'm not saying I'm autistic, but I don't think I'm particularly empathetic. I NEVER know what people are thinking or feeling. I struggle to tell when patients are like "talk to me more!" versus "I am being polite to you, but please leave." I have never once been comforting a crying person and thought, "I am NAILING this. I am making them feel better." But I don't think I'm a bad nurse. I reverse engineer empathy by finding a situation that I was in that's similar to the situation a patient is in, and I think about what I would have wanted and appreciated in that situation. I think about what evidence says is a good thing to do in this situation. I think about what experience tells me has worked in this situation in the pas. I also just ask patients what they're feeling and what they want and why they do what they do instead of assuming I know. (That last one is so choice, we should all do it more.)

The job puts you in a lot of Situations that are hard for anyone to manage. So you can study up for a lot of Situations. I read conflict resolution books and writing by sick people, I think about how adherent I am to my own treatment plan when I get judgy, I ask patients a lot of questions in part so I can understand them but also so I can understand the next patient like them, I practice difficult conversations I can predict before I go into rooms, and I make sure I have certain phrases and reactions in my back pocket in case I'm caught by surprise. I've figured out my safe topics of conversations that I can chat about with patients that are personable but not intimate (cats, how long you've been in the area, how hard it is to sleep in the hospital at night). I periodically try out new conversation styles and topics to see how those work. I find people I admire and I try consciously to emulate them.

I make a shitload of rules too that help me structure my behavior so I can act like a person I'm proud of. If I can't get something for a patient, I have to go back and tell them that instead of just never returning to the room. Whenever I leave a room, before I go, I make sure the call light is within reach and I ask if there's anything I can do before I go. If someone is sad, ask if they want hot chocolate, and if they say yes, ask if they want it with hot water or milk. If I have a patient that is very chatty and always on the call light, allot conversation time with them like I'm scheduling wound care in case they're lonely. Whenever I tell a patient that they can't do something, I explain the clinical reasoning for that. If the only reason I can think of to tell a patient why they can't do something except "it's against hospital rules", I reconsider the refusal. I've got so many rules and guidelines I've developed for myself so I can best act in a way that I think a good nurse should act.

(usual disclaimer that this does not mean I always accomplish this or that I always behave in a way I'm proud of. but I do think developing these rules and following them makes behaving like I want to more habitual.)

All this to say--I care tremendously about my patients when they're my patients, but I don't take most of them home with me. I feel often feel very distant from the emotions of the situation. I used to feel like I was watching the world through glass. Now I still feel like that, but not in a bad way. I don't get mad when patients yell at me. I can view their problems as quests to solve. I'm engaged but I'm not flustered by distress.

look alllllllllllllllllll that to say is have you considered making nursing a special interest? works for me. oh and YEAH. The job security is AMAZING. It's such a weight off my mind to know that if I don't like my current job, it's so easy to get another somewhere else.