#my beefy baby boy <3

[bozo4michael]

Jason art dump :3

[meteortrails]

have we all considered that maybe Jason was just going through the unimaginable horrors of being 19. like yes he killed a bunch of people and blew up a bunch of buildings and traumatized basically his entire family but also he had to be 19 years old while he did all that so maybe we should all be a little more forgiving ok!!

[tojisprettywife]

before i log off and get to bed, just a little something which was floating in my consciousness. back again, with loving husband! toji and your baby boy megumi. saw a baby at the mall today, and got inspo 🫡.

i just know megumi’s first word is ‘mama’ not bc you taught him, not bc toji taught him. the reason is prior to even megumi being born, ever since you were conceived with him, someone has been calling you ‘mama’. lovingly pressing soft kisses to your flat lower abdomen to your swollen belly, the childlike excitement in his eyes, each time he accompanies you to ultrasound appointments, till now; one person who called you ‘mama’ is, the tall beefy man, toji. over the course of 3 trimesters, your baby has been hearing this through the womb, but now? he’s been hearing it for the past 8 months. is that a surprise now? megumi’s first word being ‘mama’?

(i wrote this in a hurry, hopefully it makes sense T_T)

[sopiao]

could i request a human heat pack reader with our favorite 141 boys?

i’m very unusually warm. like every time i travel to russia to see family my mom and brother always use me as human heat pack.

have a great day!!

i just had this idea >:0

(great minds think alike >:)).

it would be so cute, they’d be so unconsciously touchy just to try to warm their hands during a mission in a cold area. where? Siberia. i don’t know that was just at the top of my head.

(Callsign: ‘Shark’ :3)

When they first land their all already swaddled like babies in layers of clothes. A long sleeve, whatever t-shirt, thin jacket with a thicker one over it, extra layers of socks. Whatever could spare them of the harsh winter of the country.

Their all huddled in a position to try and conserve warmth. Except for Price who insist that “It’s not that cold” and to “Get over it already”. But they can all see his subtle shake in his crossed arms pose.

“You got a heat pack or something?” Gaz asked, cupping his hands over his mouth, hoping to get some warmth from his breath. Seeing Shark’s still and relaxed figure like this weather was nothing. Gaz was hoping that they’d had an extra one and could toss one to him.

“No?” They shook their head and began to look around. Kicking snow to kill time when they hear their captain speak to a local about directions.

“Jesus, fuck. How are you not freezing you’re arse off?” Soap asks, pulling the collar of his jacket higher to cover more of his neck. Shark just shrugs. They really don’t know how. It just didn’t bother them as much. It was sorta cool since it fit their name, sharks can change their body temp to a certain range to adapt to their surroundings.

Gaz wasn’t even thinking, just desperate for warmth. Taking his chances for even a bit of comfort, he stood closer to your side, leaning on you with his cheek to your temple. Once he felt the small relief from the sudden cold, he leaned in more, covering more body surface. Relaxing, the more he did the more toasty he started to feel.

“Ahh-” Gaz sighed silently, Shark patted his back to further comfort him. Soap and Ghost looked at the two, who looked like a couple trying to keep themselves warm as an excuse to cuddle in public, then back at each other, silently questioning what to do or say, or if they should.

Soap shrugged and did the same to your other side, sighing in relief when the harsh and tight coldness of the snow felt like ice cream melting in the sun when he felt Shark’s body heat. Shark didn’t move but just shifted their eyes to see him. Couldn’t do anything but accept their fate.

Ghost is naturally a cranky and grumpy guy already and chilly, an understatement, atmosphere didn’t simmer him down a bit. He didn’t even try to fight it or reason with his thoughts and subsided. Wrapping his arms around their middle and resting his chin on the top of their head. Sighing when he felt his comrade’s warm back defrost him (hehe). Sighing for them was like the unconscious ‘ding’ to the microwave when your food finishes heating up.

Shark can’t really move even if they wanted to. Plus who wouldn’t wanna be sandwiched between three beefy guys?

“A’ight team. It shouldn’t be too far from here—” Price cut himself off, seeing his soldiers surround one like an overstuffed burrito. He crossed his arms, not registering that they were using Shark for warmth and just randomly decided to simultaneously bear hug them at the same time. Even Simon was joining in.

“Wha— Why?— What’s happening?” Price chuckled slightly, more out of confusion than amusement, crossing his arms once again with the subtle shake from the natural instinct of his body to find energy for heat.

“Warm” Only thing that Soap says, short but filling explanation. Causing Price to chuckle even more. Shark brings their hands forward, offering a fraction of their warmth to their captain, since it’s really the only thing that’s not occupied. Price holds their hands, at first to humor them, once he felt how unusually warm their hands are at this weather. He unconsciously lifted their hands up to his face, toasty palms pressed up against his cheeks.

—

“Fuckin’ hell” Price whispered under his breath before thanking the citizen for her time and cooperation, grumbling about the lead being a dead end. Price calls out for his teammates, signaling to continue on.

“Back to bloody square one” Soap grumbled, cranky from all the running around they had to do to catch one guy.

Both Price and Gaz immediately reached for your hand. At this point they didn’t even care, or notice what they were doing. It was just a natural instinct to swarm towards anything slightly warmer. Shark didn’t mind though, swinging their hands as they walked.

Two girls walking past them. Having to do a double take when they see the three. Before looking at each other wordless message of ‘How lucky!’.

—

During the cramped car ride, both Soap and Ghost had their heads resting on Shark. Soap resting his head on their shoulder, having to slump down slightly, while Ghost rested his temple on the top of their head. Both soldiers clinging onto and hugging on their arm for more cozy protection.

—

As Shark, Gaz, and Price watched and waited Soap and Ghost from across the building. They finally got a lead on the perp but if they all went in at once it would seem suspicious. They all watched intently, Gaz starting to get more bored.

Price unconsciously wrapping his arm around Shark, pressing them close to keep himself warm, resting his head on theirs as he got bored too. Shark figured out a while ago not to be too bothered with how clingy their being, figuring out that their just a human heater for them.

[emmyrosee]

Happy birthday to my beloved mother Kiyoomi <3

——-

If the sun pouring through the blinds wasn’t going to wake you up, the cooled side of the bed next to you would, and your arm, in attempts to wrap around Kiyoomi, hit the mattress with a soft ‘poomf.’

Your brows furrow and you pout slightly as you process that Kiyoomi wasn’t next to you, but the sound of breakfast skillets popping made you smile in defeat. Ever the early bird, he’d be up and at ‘em, preparing for the day before you could even stir. Today, clearly, seemed to be no different.

You grab one of his shirts and boxers and make your way out to the kitchen, watching as, almost rhythmically, he cooks your breakfast. Thin tank top hiding the best things to admire about him, sweatpants low on his hips to splay a sliver of his boxers, and humming along in agreement to whatever podcast he had playing on his phone.

“And what exactly are you doing?” You say dramatically, his shoulders relaxing at your mere presence.

“Changing the car’s windshield wipers,” he says flatly, only to cast you a look over his shoulder, equally dramatic as you. “I’m cooking breakfast, what do you think I’m doing?”

“I think it’s your birthday,” you scoff, stalking up behind him. Your arms wrap around his waist and your face nuzzles into the planes of his warm back. “And I think I’m supposed to be spoiling you.”

He chuckles softly as he reaches for something on the counter, “you’d burn this whole damn house down if you tried to cook right now.” You bite his back, snickering at the yelp he lets out. “Besides- you do spoil me. I get to wake up next to you everyday.” Bashfully, at the sudden change in his word choices, you squeeze him tighter, hoping your scalding cheeks don’t give you away.

“Drool and all,” he adds promptly.

“Yeah. There it is,” you snort at his playful jab. He chuckles, and you feel the muscles of his back contort and contract with each lazed breath. Your eyes lift up to dance over the marks and moles that adorn his shoulders, some from birth and others from accidentally roasting in the sun. There’s some scars from childhood and adolescent injuries, and-

“Blink. I feel your eyes searing into me.”

“Sorry,” you giggle. It’s not uncommon for your eyes to glaze over as you look at him. He’s just such a sight, and who the hell would you be to not indulge? “You’re just like… really pretty.”

He pauses before he turns around to look at you, smiling genuinely as an arm opens up for you to curl into. You do, happily, letting yourself be engulfed in his beefy arm while he hums happily. “I know I’m pretty, babe.”

“I know you know,” you murmur. “It’s annoying that you know how pretty you are.”

He smiles widely, fakely at you before falling down to his usual, eased smile. You could watch him for hours doing his most mundane activities, watching his brows twitch with each little reaction, the way his lashes beat subconsciously, and if he wasn’t looking at you like you’d lost your mind, you’re sure you could keep observing him in his natural habitat forever.

Your head turns slightly to dip your nose against his ribs, letting in a relaxed inhale for a deep, selfish breath of his scent. “You smell so damn good,” you rasp.

“You’re so poetic,” he snorts sarcastically, and you don’t have to have your eyes open to know he’s shaking his head in amused disbelief. “Go set the table, birthday boy is hungry.”

“Can the birthday boy give me a kiss?” You mewl, and you fight your laughter when he looks down at you, blankly. He does, however, comply, leaning down to capture your lips in a kiss.

Morning breath and all.

“Happy birthday, my love,” you say softly, chasing his lips once again after you speak.

He smiles and squeezes you softly, “it is now, baby.”

[abbyromanoff]

id like to request beefy g!p natasha x reader nat is a mechanic and has her own garage and has clients and all that. she’s damn good at what she does. she has 2 or 3 other workers, can be random ppl or like tony steve and bucky. reader surprises nat at her garage with some lunch for her and the boys. the boys love her and always welcome her when she comes. reader sees nat finishing up on a car all sweaty and dirty, muscles strongly showing with gray sweatpants on where her bulge looks big. she gets all hot and bothered. nat is excited to see her so they go into her office in the garage and reader sits on her lap and they eat and ends with them having sex in her office. some cute fluff then some dirty smut at the end 😁

Your mechanic

Parings: g!p Natasha Romanoff x reader

Summary: going to see your girlfriend at work was supposed to be a sweet time, until it ended up with you on your knees

This took soooo long because I accidentally deleted the story the first time 😔

Word count: 953

Warnings: smut, blowjobs, boot humping, small bits of fluff, terrible writing, degrading, praising.

No one is permitted to steal, copy or reblog my work as their own!!

Finishing up the five little lunches you headed to your girlfriends shop. You often made her and her coworkers meals, knowing that they probably didn’t eat much throughout the day. You learned to cook for them, wanting to make healthy and delicious lunches that they’d love. The guys appreciated what you did for them, you’d make them food and in return they’d fix your car for free whenever needed. Walking into the dealership you you saw Steve and Bucky working on one car and Nat along with Tony on the other. Nat was under the car, meaning you could see her large bulge through her grey sweatpants. You bit your lip as you remembered all the times she used her long cock to fuck you into oblivion. The three guys rushed over to you and took their own containers, walking over to the large table to eat after sending rushed thank you’s. Nat rolled out from under the car and stood up to walk over to you, stopping to give you a kiss and grab her own chicken sandwich with mashed potato’s, asparagus and a water bottle. Seeing her in her dirty tank top covered in oil turned you on more than it really should’ve. Her biceps were out and you admired them, wanting to reach up and grab onto them. The sweat covering her forehead made you think of her like this in a different setting, a less pg setting. She walked the two of you into her office, telling the guys you both were going to eat in her office. They nodded, not really listening as they were too engrossed in eating. She closed the door behind you two as you sat down on her desk, legs swinging over the metal table. Nat closed the blinds as she went to sit down on her squeaky desk chair. She put her hand on your inner thigh as she ate, occasionally looking you over. You were so turned on with all of her touches, her outfit and all of her teasing, you wanted her to take you right here right now.

Catching you staring she lifted your chin, making you look her in the eyes. “My eyes are up here baby.” She said with that raspy voice of hers. She could see your embarrassed face from being caught making her laugh. You both sat in comfortable silence as you ate. She started talking about her day and the card she was fixing, even if you didn’t understand a thing she said you still listened just as much. You both talked about anything that came to mind and just appreciated being with one another. You still were horny as ever and wanted her, you wanted to suck her off so bad. You decided on trying to tease her to make her want you, getting off the desk to sit on her lap.

Once you were seated you started fanning yourself, acting as if it was hot in there. “God it’s hot in here.” You say as you go to take your shirt off. Nat watches in desire as she goes to grope your chest, feeling herself getting hard as she manhandles the plush skin. You let out exaggerated moans as you rolled your hips, hitting her cock with every movement. This went on for a few minutes, her head rolled back as you continued to grind on her, her touching your tits all over. You got off her lap much to her dismay and went on your knees infront of her. She realized what you were planning on doing and gave you a supporting grip to your head, grasping your hair in her large hands. You cupped the now large bulge, teasing her length under the confinement. Pulling down her pants and boxers you were met with her cock now springing free. Moving forward you licked her tip and jerked off the rest of her.

Nat got tired of your slow licks and urged you to continue, “Come on baby, suck my dick. Swallow my fucking cum.” She pushed you down until you were gagging. You tried to fit as much of her in your mouth as you could, but with her large length it wasn’t easy. You could feel her twitching as your tongue licked every vein and ridge.

Her legs were shaking and she new she was going to burst soon. “Fuck baby, gonna cum! You’ll lick it up all won’t you? Yeah you will, my little slut.” Her degrading words made a wet patch form in your underwear, you used her shoe to help you get off. Grinding your pussy against her work boot, occasionally hitting her leg caused you to moan around her dick, sending vibrations through her. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head as she exploded in your mouth. Her moans only grew louder when she finished, watching as you sucked up every drop just like she asked of you.

“Shit, you take it so good. Wanna fuck your mouth every second.” Honestly that didn’t sound like a bad idea. You loved sucking her off almost as much as you loved her, most mornings you’d wake her up with head and when she returned home you’d blow her under the kitchen table. She said she loved your mouth more than anything, as much as she loved your pussy your tongue licking her up would always feel better. Once you swallowed all of her cum you leaned back, you thought she was going to offer eating you out or fucking you but she only leaned back and said, “Why don’t you go home and wait on your knees for me. I should be done in an hour.”

[videogamedogbracket]

Hello, and welcome to the Video Game Dog Bracket!

Do you like dogs? Do you like video games? Do you like dogs from video games? If yes, then this is the tournament for you! 

I’ve been wanting to host my own bracket for a while now - ever since I submitted a character to one of them a few months back, swore to myself I wouldn’t get invested in the results, but then ended up doing just that. Thanks a ton to @artificialkids-2k23-official, without whom this bracket wouldn’t exist!

The rules for submission are fairly straightforward, but I’ll list them here anyway. (Updated 6/3/23)

An obvious one, but all characters submitted must be dogs, wolves, or mythical creatures that are canine in nature (i.e. Cerberus or a dog-like Pokémon). Foxes are on thin ice. 

Anthropomorphic dogs are okay. However, please don't send in anime boys with dog ears or whatever. I think that's pushing the definition of "dog" a little too much.

Characters must have originated from a video game or visual novel. If they appear in a game, but it’s an adaptation of a movie, for example, they won’t be counted.  No, Homestuck doesn't count as a video game.

Named characters are preferred and will be given priority. I’m not saying that you can’t submit Granbull or every Nintendog, but in the case that there are more submissions than bracket spaces, they probably won’t make it in.

Please only submit one character at a time. The form is open to multiple responses per person, so you can submit as many characters as you like. (Just be reasonable with it and don’t send the same one over and over again?)

Also, while sending several characters from the same source material is appreciated, they aren't all going to make it into the bracket. I'm looking for a varied and diverse lineup, and want to limit it to about three characters per source. This isn't a hard and fast rule, but just...don't get upset if all twenty characters from the same thing don't get accepted, okay?

Currently, the plan is for submissions to close on June 9th, but this may be subject to change based on the amount of traction this bracket gets. As of right now, submissions are planned to close on June 5th instead!

Finally, here’s a quick list of characters that are automatically going to be entered into the bracket as per the “poll runner’s bias” clause. Please don't submit any of them, they're already participating!

Amaterasu (Okami)

Toby (The Great Ace Attorney)

Fondue (Rhythm Thief)

Gab (Zero Escape: Zero Time Dilemma)

Pepita (Trauma Center: New Blood)

Rex (Fossil Fighters)

Koromaru (Persona 3)

Missile (Ghost Trick)

That’s it for now. Thanks for submitting!

Obligatory inspiration tags for visibility: @funny-polls @mostredactedbracket @autisticgirliesbracket @fuckingstupidbracket @adhdxautismshiptournament @mfshipbracket @emoboybattle @goldenretrieverguybracket @purplegreenbracket @beefy-babe-showdown @unluckiest-character-ever @ot3showdown @justsomeguypoll @vs-coughing-baby @tokenhumantournament​ @jamesbracket​ @least-sexy-man-competition​ @baby-brawl-bracket​ @thing-fight​ 

[sorrowfulrosebud]

I LOVE WEREWOLF BAKUGO SO MUCH T-T Could I get more headcanons with him and the family? I trust your heart-warming ideas for the plot, anything you'd do would be suuuper cute :) <3

FOAMING. AT. THE. MOTHERFUCKING. MOUTH. Pls I’m dying, papa and pups 😭

Content: Wolf Bakugou and his pack

Genre: fluffy fluffy fluff

Katsuki is absolutely fucking whipped for each of his little pups and would kill a dragon for them if they asked him to. No questions asked, straight up growling if he can even smell salt from the tears of one of his pups

After he was abandoned from his pack, he genuinely thought he was gonna have to go through life alone, with no pups to take care of and no mate to cuddle with :((((

That is until you rescued him and now he’s the happiest wolf in the world <3333

He teaches his babies to do everything wolf-like, such as hunting small rabbits, how to howl properly, how to scratch that nasty itching spot…

He does not stop calling them his pups, even if they were to bring back their own mate and pups when they’re older.

Katsuki loves lazy winter days in the cabin where he can hear the pitter patter of small feet from outside of your bedroom, alongside some small giggles and shushing. He pretends to be asleep when each small puppy pounces on the both of you, pulling you out of your sleep as Katsuki cackles at your disturbed face.

He grabs each of your puppies and rearranges them so they can fit in your massive plush bed and soon enough the room is filled again with small snores, cold feet and croons from the both of you.

My poor guy is so touch starved, so pack cuddles are a must. Just picks up you and the pups, carries you over his shoulder, the back of two of your babies shirts in his teeth and the other two in his arms. This illicits giggles from everyone, even you as you’re all plonked on the bed.

KATSUKI CARRYING THE PUPS IN HIS TEETH. BIG BEEFY MAN, SMALL TEENY BABIES IM GONNA DIEEEE

Even though it’s against the pack’s rules, Kirishima brings his mate Mina to see the puppies and OMFG they’re in love 😭

They bring their puppies around (all 10 of them. Don’t look at me, Kiri just loves his mate) so both pairs of mates can sit and talk whilst your children play with each other 😖😖💞😤

When each small pup runs themselves ragged and they fall asleep one by one, you can normally find them slotted against and on top of one another, legs kicking and growling whilst they dream in unison

He gets so sad when the floppy ears of his babies finally stand up bc that means that they’re growing up and they’re gonna leave him and he’s gonna have no more babies at home and, and-

You normally have to kiss him and play with his ears when he gets like this bc then he’s just gonna be in a sulky mood :((

It’s so funny when they all fall asleep in a big pile bc when they’re dreaming (like how dogs do), Katsuki’s face contorts into a hunting face and lets out little snarls and sometimes even kicks his legs, but then you look at your pups and they’re doing the same as their daddy 😭😭💞💞

The youngest puppy was nearly a stillborn due to a medical breach in the womb, so now whenever Katsuki is growling at his pups for knocking their mama he softens a bit at his young boy’s tears </3

The oldest is more like him, all growls and puffed up chests, the second eldest is more reserved but can be very playful, the third pup is very cocky and sorta mean, but the youngest pup is the shyest and most sensitive of them all (shit, now I wanna write more about the pups now >:)))

They get so protective of you when you go out, each pup holding a hand and letting out small angry yips whenever a man gets too close.

LMAOO you’re stood there whilst 4 puppies are yipping at a random stranger and Katsuki is stood there like:

“Katsuki! Don’t encourage this kind of behaviour 😤😤”

“Okay fine, woman! 🙄🙄 Pups, knock it off!” He growls as you nod in approval. Each of your babies stare at their papa after you walk in front of them before he’s giving them all high fives and ruffling their hair 💪💪💪

Katsuki just turns into a giant puddle of goo whenever his babies beg for something, he is NOT resilient to puppy eyes in the slightest. If it’s something that the babies don’t usually ask for and they’re good, he’ll let them have it but he would never let the pups become spoiled brats (papa suki on top 😤)

He is the best as a papa wolf, please send in more asks like this 😭

[duhnova]

Hello my dear. I just would like you thoughts on one Kim Mingyu and his size kink. Not my size kink, his. Thank you, love you very much. ♥ @onlymingyus

hi marths i love you very much too <3 @onlymingyus

mingyu and his size kink (as well as other things)

nsfw under the cut (mdni!!!), size kink, choking, strength kink, bulge kink, mentions of creampies, slight sub gyu, thigh riding, mentions of power play, mentions of corruption

word count: 413

— bulge kink

mingyu loves the way he bulges out of your tummy or throat, and he loves to push on it to hear you whimper more.

“like that baby? like how i’m splitting you open on my cock.” he groans as he pushes on the bulge, his hips stuttering as the stimulation.

— strength kink

the way he tosses you around so easily, picking you up to fuck you against the wall and fold you into any position he loves.

“god, fuck you.. you’re so tight.” he stutters as he holds your legs down with one hand, the new angle making you clench around him tighter.

— choking

he can’t help the way he whimpers a little when he can feel the vibrations of your moans in his hand as he squeezes your throat.

“what’s wrong baby? you had so much to say just a couple seconds ago.” he groans as he fucks into you harder to listen to your strangled moans.

— thigh riding

it’s no surprise that his thighs are beefy and they feel so good flexing as you rock your hips against it.

“fuck you’re making a mess on my pants,” he smirks as you meek quietly, his leg flexing more as your legs try to close around it. “but that’s ok, i love it when you make a mess.”

other things that come with his size kink:

— corruption (he loves that he’s ruined you for others)

— he loves when you take the reigns sometimes and “manhandle” him

— worship (he worships you and the way you take his fat cock so well)

— a little bit of power play

— loves creampies because he absolutely stuffs you full every time he cums

— bonus content —

“ma’am,” he whines as he grips your hips tightly while you ride him hard, his bottom lip between his teeth. “fuck, faster please.”

“who are you to start demanding me to do things?” you stop riding despite him trying to get you to continue with his hands on your hips.

“i’m sorry, please,” he starts to panic a little. “i wasn’t demanding i.. i was just, it feels so good i just wanted more.” he pouts and his eyes glass over as he begs you to continue.

“just be a good boy gyu and keep these pretty hands right here, ok?“ you coo as you pull his hands off of you and put them above his head. “and if you do that until i’m done i’ll let you cum inside of me.”

[ddejavvu]

ok so now im stuck on the whole stepdad!james maybe dark ask i jsut send in, but obviously this james is the tried and true, big beefy rugby lad, gentle giant, that type.

but you just know that the lads take the PISS outta him, like he doesn’t introduce ur mom as “the missus”, or anything endearing, but once the boys find out that ur sorta kinda his step daughter?? ohh the porn jokes come flooding in.

want her to call u daddy james? oh stepdad im stuck over the couch again!!

and james can’t help but flush red cus he doesn’t really like ur mom like that, but he wants to be around you cus ur pretty and nice (not to mention ur a lot closer in age), and then. oh then. u get an almost-boyfriend.

a guy who sorta tries asking you on a date so u sorta try and go, but james is a fuckin baby about it once he finds out. all petulant and flushed cheeks bc he CANT say anything to u bc he’s not an official authority figure in ur life, or a potential romantic interest cus he hasn’t said so, so he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place so he tries to put issues in place like forgetting to dry ur date dress, or making ur favourite meal bc oh bug im so sorry i totally forgot ur going out tonight!! :((

i just want beefy james potter and his big fat fucking tits at this point that’s so cringe but MY GOD 🙏🙏

this post is 18+ (and so are its characters) and dark, minors dni.

THIS IS SO SPECIAL TO ME :')) james is already a certified lover boy but when he can't express that whenever he wants to?? totally whipped!! he's constantly calling you honey or love or sweetheart and when his friends realize that he doesn't call your mom any of that shit they lay into him so hard </33 sirius sends him porn links that he passes on his way to whatever he's looking for that are labeled stepdad or stepdaughter something along those lines, along with teasing remarks like 'this kinda looks like your kitchen. been up to anything fun with y/n?' or 'if you're looking for any ideas ;)'

when.. when you tell him you're going out. oh my god. he doesn't know what to say!! he can't stop you, and if he tattles on you to your mom she won't stop you, because what reason would she have? so he just nods all stiff and tells you he's happy for you. he bolts from the room as soon as he can, and you think it's kinda weird/mean but he seems fine later so you brush it off!! but the reason that he's fine is that he's just schemed with sirius and remus to get you to stay home for the date and he's confident now that you won't go </3

you're so right he does bait you with your favorite meal.. he calls you downstairs to ask you to taste the sauce for him and you come down in a full face of makeup!! he tells you that you look so pretty, but asks what it's for. you're like james.. my date?? and he goes ohhh, honey i forgot! i made your favorite :( i thought we could have a movie night!! your mom's at work :') and you feel sosososo bad bc he seems so hopeful about it and you don't want him to think that you don't like him!! but you're still planning on this date, so you tell him you'll eat light and come home early.

not good enough for him!! he just smiles and nods and tells you your dress is fresh out of the dryer, but ohhh it shrunk :( it's too tight now!! he's so sorry for ruining it, he must have put it on the wrong setting :( he'll take you to the mall tomorrow to replace it!! and you're pretty discouraged now, your outfit is ruined, you feel guilty for leaving, so you just raincheck the guy :( you feel super bad, especially because he thinks you're just getting cold feet, and snaps at you that he wouldn't have enjoyed your company anyways. this means you're sad and feeling guilty, and james gets to croon over how mean he was and how sweet you are for still feeling bad and he wraps you up in his big strong arms beside the stove and lets you bury your face in his big broad chest and he coddles you for as long as you’ll let him :’) he shovels your comfort meal into your mouth and puts on your favorite movie and snuggles up under blankets with you and at the end of the night you end up snoozing on his shoulder while the credits roll :’) he carries you up to your bed and tucks you all snug under your covers and he can’t stop himself from kissing your forehead :’)) your face is warm and flushed and he yearns to kiss your lips but he tears himself away and leaves you there with a promise to himself that he’ll treat you better than anyone else because it’s what you deserve :’)

[simpsamaa]

"certified freak, who's living it easy, and lovin' it"

pussy eaters !! + fav boys ( hq, jjk ) || pt 1 -> pt2

cough this is my very late 800 follower special :)

cw: dom! characters + sub! afab! bimbo! reader!! || pussy eating, ass eating, spitting, dacryphilia, size kink, manhandling, somnophilia, dumbification/ bimbofication, clit stimulation, panty smelling + licking, name calling (princess, good girl, bad girl, crybaby), praise!

NSFW UNDER THE CUT

+ haikyuu

HINATA SHOYO

» hinata eats pussy for you nd only you !

» his main focus is on your pleasure and you only

» he's the claimer of the #1 pussy drunk award and he takes the name seriously

» he's a messy eater too

» he'll lick up your cunt before stretching your leg up till your knees are hitting your chest so he'll have full access to your cunt, plus! he'll be able to watch your face contort in pleasure from his actions <3

» shoyo also loves it when you sit on his face.

» he could die in between your thighs like a happy man if you'd let him

» ofc if you're shy about it and self conscious while you're on top of him, he'll just pull you down with his strong hands and lap at your cunt like a starved man.

» he's amazing with his tongue, so he prefers using it over his thick fingers, but when he does use his hands, it's mostly to rub tight circles against your puffy clit <3

» and well he just has to get his fill of you every night yk? so even if you're sleeping he'll crawl under the sheets and peel of your underwear just to eat your pretty cunt out like you deserve :)

-----

MIYA OSAMU

» samu eats pussy for breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert

» he's so mean that he eats it for him and not you <3

» the fact that you get to cum is just something that happens in result of him loving your cunt sm

» he's the meanest one :((

» he'll tug your thighs over his big shoulders and pin your hips down against the bed as he sucks on your clit till you're gasping and crying for him to slow down

» and when you're squirming and crying against him, your hands trying to push against his head, he'll tell you to stop being a baby, he'll tell you that you can take it, he'll tell you to shush, that he's trynna eat his pretty cunt and treat his pretty cunt good

» samu loves, loves, loves it when your thighs lock around his head, even when you're crying out for him to stop! you're so dumb that you can't even listen to your own body's needs, because its so obvious that your body wants samu and wants samu to keep touching your pussy

» he also loves it when you're crying for him about how good it is, he'll roll his eyes at your big crocodile tears even though he can feel his cock getting harder at the salty liquid dripping from your eyes because you're just his big dumb crybaby

-----

IWAIZUMI HAJIME

» iwa chan loves to eat your cunt <3

» big, strong, beefy iwa loves to be on his knees for you, always at your service

» he calls your pussy 'his pretty princess cunt" (and it gives you butterflies) and makes sure to always give it a little kiss when he can

» iwa practically makes out with your cunt. he'll loudly spit a glob of spit on your twitching clit before diving down and moving his sticky saliva against your cunt with his tongue

» gah something about Iwaizumi Hajime (27) athletic trainer between your legs, acting like you're the best thing that's ever happened to him, which you are, makes me head a fuzzy

» he's the best at giving you toes curling, back arching orgasms when he wants to, only when you've been good ofc! only good princesses get to cum, bad girls dont <3

» when you're being bratty he'll still eat you out, it's his own guilty pleasure and why would he deprive himself of it just being you're being a bit of a brat? but before you get to cum he'll pull away with a sticky pop

» he'll lick his lips while watching you cry and reach out for him, just because your brain is so empty, only thinking about iwa and only iwa

» but dont worry, he always makes you feel good, even if he has to break you down and piece you back together into his good princess ;)

+ jujutsu kaisen

YUUTA OKKOTSU

» pretty boy is obsessed with eating pussy

» he's so obsessed that if you're too tired from his licking and slurping, he'll move on to your stained panties, pressing them up against his face and licking against the parts stained with your arousal

» yuuta's been stuck with rika for so long, that when she finally gets exorcised and he's finally free from his curse, he'll be pouncing on you before you could even ask him why he was so eager

» he'll lick and suck your cunt from underneath your skirt, slightly covering his face because it makes him feel safe, especially when your thighs are locked around his head

» yuuta's face also burns a red, that could make blood jealous with how vibrant it is, when he eats you out

» his mind gets all hazy and eyes get all droopy when he's pussy drunk and he makes sure that when he's like that you're already all dumb and stupid so you're not able to make fun of him

» yuuta's so in love with the feeling of your tight cunt clenching around his tongue that he makes sure to try and shove it as far as he's able too.

» he slurps and kisses and is so loud whenever he eats, he makes sure to not leave a drop of you when he's done

» and yuuta's little gasps and groans into your cunt have to be the hottest things youve ever heard from him.

» little words of 'fuck' and 'so pretty' and 'so good' drop from his lips every so often

» he'll make sure to keep telling you how good you are for him and how you deserve everything

» and yuuta makes sure that when you've gotten all mouthy and pouty with him that he fucks you stupid enough with his tongue that by the time he's finished with you, you've completely forgotten why you were so mad in the first place and you've gone back to being yuuta's good girl

-----

CHOSO

» emo boyo eats pussy for your pleasure and your pleasure only.

» choso knows that you get so embarrassed and flustered when he eats you out, so it become his favourite new hobby to do <3

» he'll ignore his cock throbbing against his thigh, he'll ignore the feeling and shift his hips into the warm bedsheets, making sure to ground himself so that he'll be able to eat you out better.

» choso will take your wrists and pin them down against the bed at your side with his big calloused ones just because he wants to hear your cry out and whimper whenever his tongue touches you.

» gosh and he'll press kisses against your cunt, on your clit, and up the insides of your thighs just to feel you tremble in his arms.

» and he definitely softly scrapes his teeth against your clit just to get a reaction out of you if you're being a little too quiet.

» he'll press the warm length of his tongue against your slit, and his eye'll roll back and close to bask in your taste before completely devouring you whole with his tongue.

» choso'll eat your pussy for hours without even thinking bout touching himself

» he makes sure that you come so much that the whole bottom part of his face is covered in your slick.

» nd he'll only stop when your legs are shaking and your hands are trembling as you try to push his head away from your sensitive cunt

» choso will press an array of kisses against your puffy cunt, making sure to be as loud and obnoxious as possible with the sticky sounds just because he knows it gets your face all pink and flustered <3

-----

GETO SUGURU

» mr suguru treats eating you out as a reward

» he'll only eat you out if you've been a good girl for him

» and if you have, he'll make sure to give you most mind blowing orgasm till your brain short circuits

» suguru makes sure to put in good use of his hands because he knows how much you like em,

» he'll press his long fingers into your cunt and curl them at your spongy spot as he's makin use of his tongue by sucking and pressing tight circles against your cunt.

» sugu's sharp eyes'll always be watching your face as it scrunches and as tears roll down your puffy cheeks

» and just for fun, once in a while he'll pull away his mouth from you with a pop, licking his lips and sitting back on his heels to watch as your eyes widen in worry and your hands reach for him and lips pulling out a whimper, only for him to push you back and continue what he was doing

» he'll suck in his cheeks with his lips around your clit and bring his hands up to caress your body before making sure to grab at your hips and pin you down against the bed.

» your drooling cunt make suguru remember why he loves you, and why he picked you because you're so compliant to his touches, no matter what he's doing, or how he's feeling, you always keen into his touches and come crawling back for more

» whine and cry against his lips as you dumbly try and mumble out how good you're feeling and how good he's making you, he'll just tell you, mumbled by your cunt, that he knows, he knows

© simpsamaa2022

[slasherscream]

crazy ass boy gang reactions when someone tries to hit on youu??

crazy ass boys gang + someone tries to hit on you 

billy loomis: He takes this SO personally. Acts as if everyone in Target should just know that you're his girlfriend. Has no emotional regulation ability so you have to defuse the situation or he will start a physical fight over a respectful compliment.

josh washington: As long as nothing disrespectful was said or you weren’t catcalled Josh is calm because (excluding insanely stressful mental health circumstances) he’s a calm, easy-going guy. He’ll walk up and say you’re taken and the conversation ends there. He’s a big beefy guy who looks way too confident and relaxed. People assume he can fight so even assholes leave you two alone.

stu macher: Is trying to pretend he’s cool with it but he gets angry very quickly. His masculinity? Fragile. Tested. Only course of action left is to overreact. He’s so obnoxious while rebuffing the advance that someone who isn’t even quick to violence would definitely want to beat his ass. He wins the fight but it ruins your date night. You both go home pissed off.

jd/jason dean: Materializes from the shadows behind you and tells the person you’re taken. He may not be the tallest or biggest looking guy but literally no one looks at him and thinks he’s fully sane. You are left alone and your date goes on peacefully. JD knows you’re attractive and doesn’t blame you for the attention you get. He’s toxic enough in other ways to make up for being normal about this one thing so don’t worry about the relationship getting boring <3.

kevin khatchadourian: Is built different and blames you for being hit on. As soon as he gets rid of the scum that you attracted he turns to look at you. He doesn’t have to say a word with the look on his face. That ice cold anger. It’s enough to make you go perfectly still, waiting for his next move. “Can’t get enough attention, huh?” He doesn’t give you the chance to respond, already busy walking back to the car. Hurry up and follow him if you know what’s good for you.

nathan prescott: Immediately shoves the guy away. Lowkey other guy might not have even been flirting with you. He was probably a classmate asking for your number so you can team up on a big school project. The guy will rightfully try and fight back but you have to beg him to walk away since it never just ends with one fight when it comes to Nathan. You don’t even have the energy to be mad about this anymore, it happens so often. Rest in peace.

sebastian valmont: Depends on if it’s a random stranger or someone you know. If it’s a random stranger he keeps it cordial and sweet, if a little bitchy, “Sorry, taken.” and drags you away. If it’s someone you know he walks up and is just obnoxious enough that the other person gets the hint but not obnoxious enough for you to say he was being rude. Master of social manipulation.

david mccall: One word: aggressive. David hides this side of himself from you so it will come as a complete shock when he walks up and drags the other person by the front of their shirt, murmuring something to them you can’t hear. It makes the stranger’s face go ashen though and they run away without looking back at either of you. David turns to you, face still twisted in anger until he sees how nervous you are. It’s like a mask slides back into place. “Honey, baby, relax. I just thought he was scaring you. Everything’s fine. I’ll never let anything happen to you.”

sparrow!ben hargreeves: Wishes he could convincingly pull off “not bothered” but it bothers him so much. The way to bring out how much he cares about you is anyone encroaching on his “territory”. You’ll be pushed behind him protectively while he snaps at the other man to get lost. He watches them go and only looks away when they’re through the door. Is so humiliated that he openly showed he cares that he can’t look you in the eyes afterwards.

like my writing? support me through my cashapp or kofi! both are slasherscream.

[toomuchracket]

thinking of big beefy protective bf ross w/ a shy gf who blushes easily and he takes full advantage of this by shamelessly flirting with her at every chance he gets. bonus points if she gets so flustered that she buries her face in his chest and refuses to look at him and he’s just standing there completely melting in place

the ross thirst council moots (aka me and @throughthepostmodernlens) have convened to discuss this a lil bit and we've reached the consensus that ross would absolutely be at his peak with the shameless flirting if the two of you were at the beach together with the rest of the boys and partners. like, you're looking cute as hell in your swimwear and your sunhat (literally a crucial thing you do NOT want a sunburnt scalp believe me), and ross has just been a nightmare about it the whole day - the minute you take your cover-up off at the beach and settle down on the sun-lounger, he's coming over and tilting your chin so he can kiss you and coo compliments at you. very like "look at you, all adorable in your hat, so pretty in that outfit, baby, prettiest girl in the whole world", which sets your cheeks aflame and makes you giggle uncontrollably, and you literally cannot make eye contact with ross; you know he's smirking, though, because it's him. and then, because ross is a little bit evil sometimes, he leans in and says something suggestive like "definitely going to see how pretty the outfit looks on the floor of our room later too" and he's running off into the sea with the boys before you can even gasp - you just sit there, mouth open in shock. you half-watch him fuck around with the boys in the water for a bit, smiling at the sounds of them laughing like kids, and lie on your front on the sun-lounger so you can read your book without the sunshine blinding you, and then look up when you hear the familiar voices get louder - your cheeks heat up and your jaw drops again, though, at the sight of your boyfriend striding out of the water towards you, water droplets rolling down that broad fucking chest of his and glinting in the sun. and you smile and look back at your book before you genuinely combust, only to squeak in surprise as ross squeezes your bum gently while he moves to sit behind you on the sun lounger and he's like "come up and sit with me, my love, i'll put some sunscreen on you". you're like "yeah ok", because you do need it, and move to sit slightly in front of ross, facing him; he slowly rubs it into your calves, giggling at you hiding your face in your hands when he compliments how soft your skin is, and then hooks his hands under your knees to scootch you forward into his lap and says something really stupidly flirty like "oh look, there's an angel in my lap! did the fall from heaven hurt?" lol. and you're literally burning up in embarrassment (but also affection), and all you can do is just curl up a little bit and burrow into ross' chest - he wraps his arms around you and kisses your head like "god, you're so cute. i love you and your shyness so much lol" bless him <3

[onsunnyside]

I'm so glad you are having fun!

Could we hear something about the bestfriend curtis & ari? <3

thank you bestie and yes ofc !! prepare yourselves, this is basically a whole fic:

ok so i was thinking something like: at first, you were just Nat's best friend, then you got adopted by the whole group, and perhaps developed a little crush on Ari and Curtis (the certified plugs and rugby boys, built like tanks). you've seen them around since you have mutual friends, but you've never spoken more than a sentence or two to them (let's be honest, they're very intimidating). It's Nat's birthday so everyone goes clubbing and what do you know... you're running late so Nat sends Ari and Curtis to pick you up 😳 cue the awkward car ride.

the night ends at Nat's house and oh no, all the beds are taken? That's okay, Ari and Curtis offer to make some room on the tiny futon in the living room. you say, "I don't want you to sleep on the floor," so it's good that they manage to squeeze with you in between. now you're all cozy and snug between two beefy fellas, still drunk and high and trying but failing to pay attention to the movie on the television. you keep rocking your hips and shifting around, unable to forget how they passed you around in the club, kissing you senselessly and grinding against you.

Curtis' hand slips to your thigh, "you just can't sit still, huh?"

You shake your head, whining pathetically into his shoulder. "S-Sorry... I get horny when I'm high." Your body has a mind of its own and rocks into his hand, keeping it snugly against your clothed folds. "Please don't make me stop."

Rough fingers pinch your chin and turn you the other way, Ari's shaded eyes meet yours. "Where do you want my hand, baby?" You don't hesitate to bring his hand to your throat and he smiles, "atta girl. Quit being mean and touch her, Curtis."

so they play with you, Curtis rubs over your panties, telling you to make a big mess for them while Ari experiments with his grip on your neck, and spits into your wide-open drooly mouth. but poor little you, you're too tired !! too sleepy from partying for so long and it catches up to you. they chuckle as you go slack, quiet breaths puffing from your swollen lips. they get you all tucked in and not to be a total whore but... they kiss you goodnight.

You wake up trapped between them, your leg hooked over Curtis' thighs and Ari snug behind you. one thing leads to another and Ari asks if you want to continue, but you have different things in mind: "Can I taste you instead?"

so you kneel between his legs, still a lil drunk/high and mouth against his bulge, "I've never done this before..." you confess, pouting up at him, "can you teach me?"

and he does: "You can lick the tip, just get used to the taste." "T-That's good, yeah, you're doing great, baby." "Spit on it, I like it messy." He groans softly, his hips jerking when your saliva lands on the head before you smear it with your tongue. he wasn't expecting you to ask about his sack, "can I kiss you there too?"

Your nose rubs against his base, "you're s-so big. I love it." He doesn't hold back his moans as you suckle his balls, slobbering all over him, "Know you do—bet you're soaked, huh? Reach a hand down there and tell me how wet you are."

after he cums on your face and you leave to go clean up ("should I brush my teeth?" "Just rinse with water."), he lies back in contentment. "You can stop pretending now. She's gone."

Curtis' eyes shoot open and he grumpily flips around, "you could've tried to be quiet."

"And make her think I wasn't enjoying myself? No thanks."

i also had a few thots about dry-humping, some "better be quiet" fooling around in a washroom, and ofc naughty sexting 🌚

[ipegchangbin]

*looks around* this place is BARREN of svt thoughts. Asking very nicely on your opinions of my horrible little dream world full of subby seungcheol. whiny puppy man. yk the works.

he has a lot of vibes in common w Changbin who’s my skz bias and yours too smh. what can I say I like buff men who cry when I call them cute :3

anyways best subby cheol headcanons go!!!

- Lix @beefis 👾👾

HI @beefis !!! i agree we need more svt content in this house because i am one horny ass carat 🫡 so glad i could trust a fellow seolar with these thoughts (great taste) !!!!!!

— sub ! seungcheol headcanons 💭

to start this stream of thoughts with subby seungcheol is just so perfect. say what you will about him, that big burly man that everyone calls “seventeen’s dad” is actually an absolute princess for you.

the boy acts tough and confident a lot of the time: he always acts like your friendly bodyguard. he runs his mouth a lot in casual conversation, almost to the point that it still shocks you when he almost goes nonverbal in bed.

i like to think of him as a whiny, shy, and clingy boy every time you two are alone. he pleads for kisses, he gets giggly every time you reward him, and he almost sobs when he begs. most of all, he cannot keep still, not especially when you ghost his body with your fingers.

be prepared to hear “but baby’s been so good!” a lot.

he probably slips into subspace really easily. it especially happens after you’ve both spent a long night out. he’d immediately sink into your arms while you’re both unwinding in the couch, nuzzling into any patch of your skin, calling you the titles you so love to hear.

when subspace hits in the middle of loving, though, he starts mumbling and babbling nonsense. he likes to being his hands to his face whenever you work your hands on him. he especially loves it when you cup his cheeks after he finishes all over you, sparkly and glossy eyes looking up at you as a means of thanks.

“please!”

“please what? use your words.”

seungcheol would try to say anything coherent but he literally just can’t. not when you’re this good to him.

“is my baby speechless because of me?”

he just nods and whimpers loudly. he would plead your name here and there, say the same things over and over. if you condescendingly tease him for not being able to speak, he only gets louder.

as soft as he is, he loves it when you’re just a tad bit mean to your little princess of a boy.

[sauntervaguelydown]

easy home gardening suggestions

Are you bad at eating the vegetables you buy? Do you feel like everything goes bad before you can eat it? KEEP IT FRESH ON THE VINE. Or at least, pickle it yourself.

You will need: pots (plastic is fine, terra cotta is drier, glazed ceramic retains moisture best). Dirt (surprisingly cheap but very heavy). Sunshine (free).

(I live in a humid part of the USA, these tips are not meant for deserts)

Container options: all your containers NEED drainage holes, but if you're a freak like me, you can take any sturdy plastic thing with sides & a bottom and nail/drill/MELT holes into it. Storage tubs may be a cheap alternative. Don’t hold the tub upside down and melt the excess plastic with matches directly onto your human hand. Burn bandages are expensive. Or just steal old ceramic pots from your aging grandmother.

Container Gardening

BELL PEPPERS: if you get half a day at least of direct sun, you can grow bell peppers. They do want warm weather so either you have to put them inside your house in a very sunny window or wait until it's 70degrees F or more. Remember that flowers do need to be pollinated by SOMETHING. Note that if you're planting them in containers, deeper is better; bell pepper tap roots can go 3 feet down if you let them. Minimum of 12 inches. If you have time but no money, scrape the seeds from dinner and plant them. If you have money but no time, try to buy one sprouted from the local plant nursery. Outdoors you will get caterpillars, but in my experience they are very polite and do not attack the fruit, so they're fine. You can grow three pepper plants per foot diameter of dirt surface.

OTHER PEPPERS: generally all peppers have the same needs, although my hot peppers seem a bit less thirsty than my bell peppers. I bought some already-growing hot peppers from the local plant nursery and they have been EXTREMELY productive; some "hot" peppers like mine (a Holy Mole pepper) actually make great mild salad greens if you scrape the spicy seeds out & pick while still green. Minimum of a foot deep containers, deeper is better if you can manage it. Full sun.

SCALLIONS: with green onions/scallions, you know the big thick ones they sell in the store with the roots still on? buy a couple and plant them in a pot of dirt in the sun and you'll have infinite green onion leaves. They can stand freezing weather if you cover them. It got down to 20 F here and I still didn't lose them. No flowers involved, just juicy crunchy leaves. They only have to be in containers 6 inches deep minimum. DO THIS.

SALAD GREENS: container gardening works well for lettuce and mustard/mizuna. Lettuce needs regular watering, it has shallow roots. You just gotta plant Mizuna when it's cold enough for the seeds to germinate (40 F ~ish). Mizuna is a hardy little guy, tolerates heat AND cold. You gotta buy the seeds, but they're cheap. Follow directions on the seed pack. This can be done (theoretically) in a sunny window indoors since they do not need pollinators. It's all LEAVES baby.

LIMA BEANS. These have deep roots and they have long tall vines; if you have the space for the roots, and any thing LIKE a trellis for the vines, and sun, you can get so many goddamn lima beans for 0 effort. Forget about these suckers you can't STOP them from fruiting.

More below the cut bc this is getting long

TOMATOES are kind of an investment; they're easy to grow from seed but they need a lot of sun & a deep pot. If you want full size beefsteak tomatoes, try a tall, lightweight plastic pot with a lot of fertilizer & consistent watering. Don’t forget the tomato cages! Those beefy boys will pull your plant over sideways. The lightweight pot will allow you to move the pot inside if you have a sudden deluge of rain that will waterlog & split the fruit. You can try planting seed from harvested dinner, but you may end up with some much smaller tomatoes than what you harvested from. It’s something to do with commercial hybrids.

TBH i recommend growing a cherry tomato, you get more fruit and you're less likely to lose it to bugs/sudden rain/general bad luck. Buy some ripe in the store and harvest the seeds. Do not try to grow indoors, you need pollinators & sun. Sensitive to cold. Giant green caterpillars will try to consume your entire tomato plant. You must catch them before they succeed.

SPINACH is nutritious, but honestly don't bother with growing spinach past spring if you live south of the Mason-Dixon line, it likes the cold. I'm having bad lucky with it--it's either too hot or too wet or BOTH around here. My friend who gardened in the desert said they had good luck? It works in container gardens tho. Critters love to eat it. Maybe ask about it at the plant nursery.

ARUGALA: bought some already growing and it's a real champ, doesn't need much water. 6 inch depth minimum. NOTE: Once it flowers, you will not get enough leaves for a sandwich. Since then I've grown it from shed seed and it's very hardy--it actually put out a whole tap root through the bottom of my growpot and got down into the soil. Keep it watered when it's baby. The seed will sprout pretty much any time through the spring and summer.

CARROTS & BEETS:

Carrots are... more complicated. Unless you really like carrots or you really like gardening, idk if I'd recommend them for beginners. You start them from seed then thin them out so they're all at least 6 inches apart, and the seedlings wilt in the heat but they also don't like it when it's freezing so... I'm having a hard time with them. Maybe there's a breed that grows really well in your area? Ask at the local plant nursery. I did a "baby carrots" variety (sex seeds) and two survived infancy. One is still growing as of September. I'm hoping for more seeds.

Beets are less picky, and need a bit less water. But they do die off at the height of summer, so get them going while you can.

CELERY: basically the same, but less angry about the heat. Keep moist. Pick a bit & come back again for more. My seed packet said they should be ready to pick stalks in April but they definitely were not. July was really when they got big enough to eat.

ZUCCHINI: There's a lot of posts about how easy zucchini is to grow, but I think I'm in the wrong part of the country for it. Needs a lot of water, at least when it's hot outside. Definitely works for container gardening. Give it a 12 inch deep pot. TIP: put your old coffee ground in the dirt to increase the acidity. You will not get any fruit unless you have pollination, but pollinators also like to lay eggs on the leaves and eat them all to smithereens. Pickleworms have destroyed me two years in a row now. Cucumbers are the same way--and if you're gonna try cucumbers, buy a burpless variety to keep beetles away at least.

YAMS are pretty easy. They like the HEAT. They need 100% full sun. What you do is you buy a yam from the store, wait until it starts to put out growths, then (indoors) suspend it partly in some water until the green growths are at least 6 inches long. Then you can plant those growths in dirt. It's especially good if the growths have little white roots, but I've planted growths without any roots and they were fine. Healthy vines will put out runners. Suggestion: start in a deeper container but only fill it up with like 6 inches of dirt. When the yam vine gets long, add another few inches of dirt and bury some of the vine. Keep doing this until you run out of space and/or dirt. You get more yams this way. Harvest when the cold starts to make the leaves all sad and crinkly. Using fluffy light dirt makes harvest easier.

STRAWBERRIES: You'll get them one at a time, and they won't be very flavorful in many cases. They need pollinators, but squirrels steal them as soon as they're ripe. Keep under a net. They're also VERY hard to grow from seed. I have managed it, but the germination time is like... three months. Perfect container plants though. And in the summer they start putting out runners, and then you can MULTIPLY your strawberry content. Set them somewhere just out of the rain, so that the fruit won't swell up and split during a deluge, but remember to keep them moist.

BLUEBERRIES: fine for containers, although they need to be deep. Get at least two blueberry bushes so they can cross pollinate. Make sure that both varieties bloom at about the same time of year. Partial sun is fine. In winter it may go dormant but it comes back.

BLACKBERRIES and RASBERRIES are insanely low maintenance but bad for container gardening. They want a lot of space. You'd need a big container. Maybe a costco storage tub. Better off putting them in the ground, if you have a garden. But watch out, they spread.

A note about PUMPKINS: you can get a pumpkin seed to sprout basically spitting on it. I threw some dirt on a rotten halloween pumpkin and now I have a legion of leaves. However, getting them to fruit requires pollinators, and the vines take up space. I wouldn't try to grow them unless you have an actual garden with flowers (weeds are fine) or you just.... want a pretty vine to look at. Also they don't like the heat very much, even though they grow over the summer.

LEMONS: you can actually grow lemon seedlings from the seeds of regular ass grocery store lemons. They're supposed to be pretty easy to do but I haven't had much luck. Now that it's warmer out I'm gonna try again; basically just put them in some dirt and keep the dirt moist until a sprig comes up. you won't get fruit for like 5 years but the leaves smell nice. Tangerines are the same way.

I've put a couple over-ripe onions in the ground, but I don't think I'm going to get much out of it. There's a wikihow article on it. Basically you cut the bottom off an onion from the store, eat the top, and then treat the bottom like a yam. But you might as well just plant the whole thing if it's already started putting out green tendrils. Maybe you'll get flowers.

Herbs

hard Rosemary is actually difficult in most places bc it needs Mediterranean conditions ie. FULL sun, not a lot of water, warm weather. It starts to grow mold if it's not blazed 8 hours a day. Rosemary can get up to the size of a full ass bush if you give it the space. Needs 12 inches of pot depth. If you haven't got full sun, don't bother. I don't recommend growing these from seed--if you have a plant nursery anywhere near your home, just buy one there that is already established with roots. Cold hardy when large enough.

medium Basil has about the same sun needs as Rosemary, but it doesn't mildew. Basil will do the hydra thing and put out new heads of leaves if you snip them off. I'm growing it from seed and it's doing pretty good! Do not eat the flowers. Not cold hardy.

medium Ginger is a tropical shade plant, so you can grow it with no direct sunlight (it does need to get at least indirect sun). It needs really rich soil so you gotta go buy some bagged potting soil with compost, but literally you can get a healthy ginger from the store and sprinkle dirt on top and it ought to start growing. Especially if it already has little white or green fingers growing out of it. Give it a deep pot, 10 inches if possible. not cold hardy. If the soil freezes, it dies.

easy Mint: we all know it's insanely prolific. However I have managed to kill all my mint twice. I think I didn't give it a large enough container to spread out in. Aim for something at least 10 inches deep and at least a foot diameter. I know, it's a big commitment for an herb. Partial shade is fine. do NOT put it directly in the ground or it will take over. Cold hardy perennial (survives at 0 F and lower). It may go dormant but it comes back. Keep moist.

easy Oregano. Good boy. Precious child. More sun is better, and not a lot of watering. Pot only has to be 6 inches deep, though more never hurts. I've heard that cilantro and tarragon and thyme have the same root depth, but I've never tried growing them so that's all I know. If you're planting from seed, make sure it's hot outside and do Not bury the seed. It goes right on the surface of the dirt in the sunshine. 3 months from sowing to adulthood. Cold tolerant perennial; it may go dormant but it comes back.

easy Garlic: you might not be up for growing garlic from seed, but if you want to harvest the green stalks that grow up from the bulbs in spring, they are kind of like a cross between chives and garlic in flavor, and very safe to eat. Good in soup. Just buy some regular garlic and then forget it in your kitchen until the individual bulbs start poking up green shoots inside that papery wrapping stuff. Then plant them in some dirt with the green shoot pointing up. These bulbs survive VERY cold winters and thrive. It may go dormant but it comes back. If you let it go through a cold winter, you may get harvestable additional bulbs.

List of Flowers You Can Eat:

Nasturtium, violet, viola, coneflower, chrysanthemum, citrus blossoms, daisies (who knew), marigold, clover flowers (clover is good because it nitrogenates the soil). When in doubt, eat the petals only. Except for Nasturtium, i know you can eat those leaves and stems and all. They're kind of peppery.

There's actually a LOT of edible flowers I haven't begun to list. If you're curious, look into it.

Things you simply cannot grow at home: Vanilla. Cinnamon. Soy beans. Apples. Do not try. (Vanilla is an orchid. Orchids are Hard.) (Cinnamon is growable in Mexico if you keep it well watered.)

straight up, if you're gonna grow any of these, just google "how often water [x]" and then do that forever. Set a recurring calendar alarm. If they look wilty, increase how often you do it. Personally I water everything when the dirt looks dry, but that's because I'm an obsessive.

Anything sold in the store uncooked/undried that is either 1. a seed itself or 2. contains a seed (or 3. has roots attached) can PROBABLY be pirated. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Google is your friend.

Other Notes:

you CAN pollinate a lot of things by hand, if you're willing to put the effort in

"well draining" soil usually has compost material content mixed in. Sand is also well draining, but maybe a little TOO well draining. Basically, avoid clay if it needs to drain.

Most things do not need fertilizer all the time if you buy potting soil (it's pre-fertilized). However, growth costs nutrients. Keep that in mind.

You can steal dirt out of the ground for your pots but remember that it may be contaminated depending on where you get it (roadside? BAD idea). Also it's heavy as fuck. Plan accordingly.

Coffee & tea grounds are acidic and nutritious. (for plants) (don't eat them)

it's not actually a great idea to bury a moldy piece of fruit in a pot. You will get flies. I know it seems like a composting hack but don't do it.

You can put old wood cuttings & logs at the bottom of a container for plants that need a lot of nitrogen, like ginger. Make sure there's still an appropriate amount of soil between the wood and the surface.

potting SOIL contains dirt (sand/silt/clay), potting MIX is just organic matter (peat usually). Mix is fluffy, soil is denser. You can combine to get the advantages of both. Potting mix is usually a good bet for fruiting plants, but I've tried using plain ground soil for almost everything and the main problem is it just dries out faster. If you're putting things directly in the ground, just get some "gardening soil" to fill in around the roots a little bit.

pots are weirdly expensive. Scavenge and recycle what you can. I've used costco cranberry juice jugs for things, but the ridges in the plastic do retain water. Make SURE your pots are deep enough. And make sure they have a fair bit of surface diameter.

depression meal: boil one package of maruchan ramen, as many lima beans as your little hands can grab, chunk of scallion (chop if you have the energy, shred it with your fingers if not). celery? if you've got it. pour flavoring packet. add lemon juice. survive another day without scurvy.

A note on TREES

Citrus trees are easier to manage than some other kinds, but they do still need management. Citrus is very cold sensitive so if you can bring them inside as soon as it hits freezing at night, that is best. The trouble is they also need deep enough pots for their tap roots, which makes them hard to MOVE. Even with frost covering, I lost a lemon tree to a hard winter this year RIP. The good news is that after they've been in the ground about 5 years, you do not have to cover them as carefully anymore. I've got a 30 year old tangerine tree that went dormant this winter and then came back kicking, and I didn't cover it a single inch.

Peach trees are also fairly cold sensitive, but they need a minimum number of cold nights (40 F or lower) to produce fruit. So uh. Either cover them with a frost cloth as soon as it gets freezing out, or bring them inside in a big pot but leave them outside as long as you can. I wouldn't try to grow one from seed personally, but I've bought a couple saplings. Look for a variety that does well in your climate. Your local university might have made a hybrid.

You can grow and make your own tea leaves; the tree is a specific variety of Camellia. Grows well in the southern USA.

"pawpaw" trees are a fruit tree native to north-east america, cultivated by american indians. They're pretty cool. They grow well on the sides of hills. You can buy dormant saplings in the winter/late spring online. You need at least one male and one female. Deep tap roots.

You can GROW a banana tree, but you can't make it fruit unless you're in a tropical climate. I wouldn't bother. Even subtropical doesn't cut it.

Figs are cool but keep in mind that lots of people are allergic to their leaves.

In the case of most trees, long term, a pot is not a good idea, but for the first few years it's fine. Remember that every year the roots get bigger.

If you have a commercially sold tree seedling, the chances are it's been grafted at some point. If there's a knot or a notable bend in the lower part of the trunk, that's the graft point. Stuff that grows below that knot is going to be Not Delicious. Pick off growths below the graft point.

A note on COMPOST:

composting is a great way to enrich your shit, but watch out, because it also produces mildew, mold, flies, and scavengers.

The lowest effort version of composting is simply to take your tea leaves/coffee grounds out of the pot when you're done with them and let them dry out somewhere--a bowl or a tupperware, idk--then save them to mix into your potting soil later. Minimum amount of fungus, no bugs. You can do this in your house. Unbleached paper also works, and basically any "dry" organic material.

The more intense version includes things like egg shells, banana skins, things that will attract pests and grow mold. You don't want this in your house. Also the shells of beans, discarded lettuce greens, tops of strawberries--etc. Most of this stuff is of too little caloric value to attract rats, so it's okay to keep near your house.

But the more "food" stuff you start to add, like rotten vegetables and table scraps, the more rat appealing it becomes. Don't get over ambitious. That stuff needs to be 50 ft away from your house minimum.