#my brains been so empty today and i dont like it

[calamitys-child]

I'm being so serious rn if I ever talk about doing another fringe festival run in the next like 3 years at least send me to fucking therapy. It is a cry for help. This is bad for me.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[a-sleepy-ginger]

1/3/24

✿❈✿❈✿

Got most of my sociology assessment done just need to narrative the powerpoint

Got letters so bad in fridge Scrabble it made me laugh

Pineapple :)

[yb-cringe]

hey so i went caving today heres some Cave Facts from Personal Experience that haunt me:

- everything in a cave is wet. at least it feels like its all wet. its damp and humid. it smells kind of like an old empty closet but wetter.

- caves are as cold as the areas average temperature. i went today when it was about 80f and the cave was 50f the whole way through. you can see your breath in some places

- i went about 70 ft deep, about 7 stories underground. A bomb could go off above and you wouldn’t know.

- when its dark you REALLYYY cannot see shit. i thought it was exaggerated online but when the lights went out i couldn’t tell a difference between when my eyes were opened and when they were closed.

- when its pitch black you think ‘its fine, ive been in the dark before’ but the longer you’re there the worse it feels. my brain keeps expecting my eyes to adjust but they dont.

- you cant see your nose or your hand in front of your face. if youre not holding onto someone it feels like you could drift away into the dark

- cannot stress enough that fucking everything in a cave is wet and moving and dripping and getting lost is as easy as closing your eyes.

[payasita]

Good job getting ADHD medication! I’m so proud of you :D

thanks so so much im very happy and so hopeful for the first time maybe ever but also it TOOK ME LIKE. A YEAR. A YEAR.

like yall for real?? for real. for real i have been diagnosed since i was like six. (funny story my teacher thought i was on the spectrum so my parents get me tested with the nodes and shit and according to mom, who loves this story, my neurologist did all that and talked to me and then just turned to my mom and went "she's not autistic. she just hates the other kids" but they DID find an adhd diagnosis in there so net win for all of us)

diagnosed since i was SIX. on stimulants until i turned 8, and you know why i got off em? my pediatrician retired. we could not find another who would take our low-income insurance. so i just had to rawdog The Rest Of My Fucking Life. diagnosed when i was six. legally neurodivergent for 20 slutty slutty angry years.

and it still took me like. a few months to get a psych appointment. a few weeks to reaffirm my diagnosis as an adult. a few more weeks for another appointment for meds. he doesnt Want to do meds first, because i must have been doing fine without them if its been two decades, right? i got a job and a car and everything. well gee fuckin shittickers Dr. Brain Guy, just WHAT was my alternative? would you prefer i be maladapted to the point of incapacitation; is that what it takes for someone to be considered? i cheated my way through school. every day after work i sit for an hour in my car because i dont have the executive function to stand up and walk the ten steps to my house. garbage just appears around me. i have three empty bags of hot chip and two cans of sprite on my desk as we speak, neither from today. at that point i hadnt had a debit card for six months because that would have required me to Drive To The Bank, a location that was new to me in this area, so i just did everything on credit. is this all normal? is this fine? am i GOOD, actually, Dr. WeirdBrain?

so we cordially agree that yes i should probably be medicated. i want to do a stimulant. he does not want to put me on a stimulant. "stimulants can mess with your heart," he says, "and you're young, you don't want heart problems." i say ok because i dont want to make him think im just looking for narcotics. even though i am. because they WORK. i agree to try some kind of antidepressant.

the antidepressant gives me tachycardia. i go to the emergency room after reading a heartbeat of, oh, 140 bpm, which is about like double what it normally is and juuuust below the You Are Having A Heart Attack threshold. i get to the ER and the doctor there is very obviously convinced i'm a local addict having some sort of episode. it is the most ironic experience i've had all year and i feel an abrupt and all consuming kinship with those birds in australia that will swoop you and peck at your face for seemingly no good reason.

so yeah, we narrow it down to the antidepressant. as it turns out, these particular meds are known to, semi-commonly, Mess With Your Heart. i have my next appointment with my psych and somehow refrain from pecking his eyes out. he puts me on a noreprinephrine inhibitor(iirc) that isnt actually FDA approved to treat ADHD specifically(i DEFINITELY rc) but it IS given to smokers to help them quit. i dont smoke. i may very well fucking start before this whole ordeal is at the point where someone listens to me

it obviously does a combined total of jack and shit, and the man waffles with this one because he has "had success" using it as treatment for other ADHD patients. he ups the dose. twice. three months on the smoker meds, which are also apparently notorious for destroying your appetite, but they didnt even do THAT. no change to the average amount of hot chip on my desk.

he wants to try quelbree after that. i finally tell him i'm tired of this shit and would like to have more than two hours of usable daylight to function before it all falls to uncontrollable youtube shorts binges and a daily experience i like to call The Weighted Nothings and i would very much like to PLEASE. TRY A STIMULANT.

he's been friendly enough with me over these past four or five or whatever months but at this he gets suddenly very very business-baseline. gives me the whole spiel about the north american shortage. gives me a spiel about how i absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, lose or sell this medication, because they will not refill it if i do. i am sitting here wondering if he he's telling the truth about having other ADHD patients at all like ever in his career, and also, am i nuts or should the "don't sell your prescription drugs" bit apply to EVERYTHING? i dont fuckin know man i just live here

he says he wants a urine test first. its scheduled for two weeks out. i take it.

"hey uh, your piss came back with cannabis in it" "well it'd be weirder if it didn't, we are in california and i am a kitchen manager" "you can't have weed if you want adderall" "fine i'll stop" "we'll schedule you another test in a month" "aight bet" it didnt go exactly like that but this is kind of what the vibe between us has devolved into by this point.

anyway i wait a month and get a good grade in piss. i get the meds prescribed. i go to fill out the prescription

all i really need to say to you are the words "prior authorization error" for most of you to get what happened next.

the psych isnt even aware. i wait another month for our next meeting, which was yesterday. i do not yell at him. he tells me to take it up with the pharmacy, and yell at them. i am going to yell at them.

so i go, and guess what, it actually went through a while ago! NO ONE TOLD ME OR DR. FEEL-BAD OVER HERE. but we can't fill it right now because its a controlled substance so come back in a few hours. hey it's ready where the hell are you? TAKE YOUR METH AND GET OUT

anyway i started it today, reorganized my pantry, and fixed the fire alarm in my hallway that's been chirping at me for a week. i no longer have to wear earplugs to bed.

and with my newfound executive function superpowers, i will be spraying my weed-free piss all over Reagan's grave.

[blackdollette]

k so hear me out my dear favorite author...

part two to the bimbo reader x euro thing. but rough anal 🤩 (i thought of this while listening to hardcore anal banging by ayesha erotica...)

anyways yall r jus doin it and then euro is like "erm wait a min..." and pulls outta readers cunt and like SHOVES it in her ass 😭 shes crying out in pain for a bit (but she lowkey a masochist so i dont think she cares) and then those little "slow down!!"s turn into "oh my god, yes, euro!!!" 🤭

this idea has me seeing stars... ur requests are like a goldmine of ideas. this is my first time writing anal so please bear with me 😭

"you fucked me so good..." | euronymous

norman fucking rockwell. - lana del rey

female!reader x euronymous

contents: anal, unprotected sex, squirting, creampie

this one's kinda short

euronymous had been pounding into you for hours, your sore little pussy becoming a complete mess as you sobbed into the pillow. there was a white ring at his base from you cumming so many times, and you were about to cum once more until he pulled out, making you whine.

"one sec, angel..." he looked at his cock, dripping with your cum. he grabbed your hips once more, but instead of doing what you expected, you felt a shiver travel through your spine as he shoved his dick in your ass instead.

your eyes immediately welled with tears at the agonizing feeling of your tight hole being filled like this. but instead of giving you time to adjust, he got straight to it, pounding into your tight little asshole as you whimpered in pain.

"aww, does that hurt..? im sorry, angel..." he said, his voice dripping with fake pity. he started moving in and out of you at an inhuman pace, making your vision blur and your brain turn into mush. "so fucking tight..."

you gripped the bedsheets so hard that your knuckles went white. "e-euro... please! t-too fast..." you managed to say between sobs. at hearing your pleas, he went even faster, watching your ass recoil every time he hit it. "but you're making me feel so good... that's what you want, right..?" you couldn't help but nod.

the pain quickly turned into pleasure as he moved his hand to your pussy, rubbing circles onto your clit. he hit a spot in your ass that made you scream out. "r-right there..! feels so good..." he smiled as you saw you starting to enjoy yourself.

his balls started slapping your pussy every time he went back in, sending you over the edge. you felt a knot tying in your stomach, but it was much stronger than ever before. the pleasure became too much to bear. your body felt like it was getting weaker with every thrust.

he pressed his thumb into your clit as a few drops of cum escaped your cunt. "g-gonna cum, euro..!" you waited for his permission, your body beginning to tremble. "yeah... cum for me." he rubbed your pussy, making the knot in your stomach snap.

you started squirting all over his fingers, moaning at the feeling of this new sensation. he fucked you through your intense orgasm before reaching his as well. "gonna fill your ass up, angel..." was all he said before releasing his load in your ass, making your back arch with pleasure.

he emptied himself out into you before pulling out, watching as his cum dripping out of your hole. he waited until you came down from your high before he laid down beside you, staring right into your soul. "so, was that ok? not too intense?" you smiled and shook your head.

"that was pretty hardcore, though." you said. "I thought you'd fuck me to death." he chuckled softly, pulling your body onto his and bringing you into a heated kiss.

author's note: thank you for the request!! as I said before, this was my first time writing anal, so I hope this was realistic considering my lack of experience. I'm gonna try to post 1 or 2 more today. thank you!

[sleepysnoots]

Hey, I saw your post and I was wondering if you could do a Stone x rich fem!reader, something like enemy to lovers, maybe? Thanks!! 💖

Thus has been rotting away in my drafts so i hope you guys like it also there might be a part two no promises tho

Stone x fem reader

Y/n is mentioned once cause pronouns were getting boring

And theres no warnings maybe stone being really fucking drunk

Not proofread

————————————————————————

Stone was walking the streets of ramshackle with vinnie and skipp. Vinnie was munching on stolen bread as she yapped about a plan she’s been plotting

Stone was in his own world really, very uninterested on what vinnie was saying as he took a swig of the bottle in his hand, until someone bumped into him causing the bottle to spill all over his face

Stone frowned as he looked at the person wiping the liquid off with his sleeve

“Hey watch where your goi-,” he paused realizing who it was before frowning “oh it’s you”

The girl he knew as y/n stood in-front of him, she wore a long fancy cream dress with boots her hair tied up in a bun as she looked at him with an equally disgusted look

She crossed her arms

“Ugh what are you looking at”

She sneered glaring at him

“Nothin pretty”

He muttered making her scoff

“Haha very funny”

She said sarcastically whilst rolling her eyes

“Ugh just get out my way freak. ”

And after saying that she shoved past stone earning a scoff from him as he watched her storm off

Vinnie glared at her grumbling before nudging stone with her elbow “what a bitch” she said to stone earning a nod from him

But stone seemed off, he was still watching her walk down the street.

Vinnie noticed this and saw a small tint of pink on his cheeks.

“No fucking way”

Vinnie laughed

“Theres no way!”

She said in disbelief skipp also noticing and smiling widely

“STONE HAS A CRUSH ON THAT RICH GIRL?”

Skipp teased equally as shocked as vinnie

Stone shook his head looking down at the two

“What? No i dont! shes such a bitch for no reason why-“

Vinnie cut him off with a huge grin

“You like women who talk down to you”

She wiggled her eyebrows with a huge teasing grin

“WHAT! No! i-i get out!”

He said a look of horror on his face as he pushed vinnie away, a huge blush was now present on his face.

————————————————————————

It was late, the busy town of ramshackle empty. Stone was clinging to anything near him, trying to at least stay balanced.

He stumbled his way into an alleyway falling into a pile of trash with a thud

He laid there brain feeling foggy

He might have gone a bit far today with the drinking

He laid there holding in his sick as he just rested his head on trash

“Stone?”

A voice called out as he lifted his head

It was y/n

He threw his head back with a groan

“Oh for fuck sakes of course its you”

He murmured his words coming out with a slur

She just rolled her eyes as she walked up to him

“I actually dont really care but im not that mean to just leave u here to die”

She said looking down at him realizing the state he was in

His cheeks were flushed his eyes glazed and hooded and he absolutely reeked of alcohol

“You look like shit” she said

Stone went to go and reply with some snarky comment but the minute he opened his mouth he threw up all over the ground

Y/n tried not to gag as she watched this but watching how vulnerable he was right now she decided to help him

Kneeling down next to him dodging the sick she started to pat his back helping him throw up the alcohol

After a few minutes he stopped sick dribbling down his chin as his skin got paler

“Fucking hell stone you need to stop drinking”

She muttered genuinely concerned

“F-fuck you i dont need your stupid opinions”

He slurred looking up at her

She rolled her eyes before holding out her hand

“Here look I’ll take u home so ur not left here im sure vinnie and skip can look after you”

He glanced at her his already flushed face turning brighter

He hesitantly took her hand as she guided it around her shoulder helping lift him up so he was stood next to her, he felt a hand slide across his back to his side as she gripped onto him trying to hold him up

“Your surprisingly lighter then i thought”

She chuckled

Stone coward looking to the side his face flushed

“Shut up”

He muttered

She just giggled helping carry him to vinnie and skipp

————————————————————————

Ill probs post a part two to this because i think it’s adorable but i realized i havent posted in a while so boom here u go stone simps 😘😘

[the-s1lly-corner]

I’ve got one more request in my brain and then I’ll stop for a while…maybe

So this one is an solo? I.H.A where y/n is doing stand up! Halfway through Jax is egging on reader and going “boo get off the stage” which causes y/n to stop and rail into Jax in the vein of “that’s why yo mama dead” this goes on for 10 minuets, everyone shocked and Caine’s jaw in the earth. Then y/n drops the mic and walks off. If it’s possible could I also add the others reaction to this? Thanks! ❤️❤️ ps your writing is great

Stand up Comedy where you get back at a rude audience member

wasnt too sure what to name this since its not exactly a shipping thing, maybe, i think... i dunno!! this post may be a little short, may not be, we shall see! erm!! warning i do not have good humor i think, like i am unfunny finally getting to requests for today; took me a little longer than usual since i went out to go get some breakfast and i threw together some dough for cinnamon rolls today also gentle reminder ! currently requests are closed so i can catch up on my inbox and take a short break! i dont have a set time for them to open again, but i aim to reopen in a few days! any new requests sent in will be void; its nothing against you my inbox is just flooded rn and i need to empty it out </3

caine thought it would be a good idea for you guys to do a little comedy night; be it for bonding or for entertainment you werent sure

however throughout the night, jax was calling out to whoever was on stage and trying to either steal their show or simply being mean

so far, pomni had gone (who froze up on stage the second the lights were on her), gangle (poor girl was bullied off stage by jax), kinger (who just rambled about cool bug facts)

needless to say so far the night was a bit of a disaster

currently, zooble was up on stage, not even making an attempt to do jokes. any jokes they did make were a bit on the darker side; and of course, jax was loudly cutting in

"you know what? <> this!" zooble drops the prop mic and storms off the stage, the air being a tense afterwards

you feel caine nudging your side, alerting you that you were up next

you internally sighed, you really didnt want to do this, in fact it seemed like just about everyone didnt want to do this

jax immediately started on his bullshit before you even had a chance to open your mouth, already booing. from on the stage you could see ragatha giving him a look

you tried to begin again, before jax made a comment on how quiet you were

"oh course you'd know about sound, seriously have you seen how big your feet are? you slap the floor instead of stomping"

silence

zooble lets out a choked laugh, and you can see caine jerk forward as he tried to contain a surprised laugh

jax narrows his eyes, and he opened he mouth

"hang on wait when was the last time you brushed your teeth? i mean come on man, youre teeth are yellow. maybe the reason no ones been laughing is because theyre choking from how bad your breath smells"

gangle holds her hands over her mouth, seemingly in shock. kingers eyes darted between you and jax, and pomni held a similar expression to gangle... jax, of course, was fuming, trying to rattle off a come back, ultimately failing and stammering that his teeth are meant to be that color

you had to admit, it was odd seeing jax finally being knocked down a peg, but it was satisfying in its own way

you kind of ragged on him for another minute before seeing yourself off stage

the entire room was silent

caine pulled his lower jaw off the floor, and regained himself, before letting jax know it was his turn up next

tonight was going to be a long night...

[br0-k3n-sch00lb01]

Aaaaaah what a time to exist

my brain is so empty when it comes to making posts that people actually care about

i wanna change my maintag to something other than charlie rants.. but i’ve been using it for too long to do that…

i guess its cus most of my posts arent rants they are just nonsense that i am spouting to anyone who particularly pays attention to them (aka nobody,,) what even are these posts anymore

im gonna spout about life instead of other things!! Because… i suppose i should talk about my life more.. since i never do

and thats kinda what blogs are for, hm?

I… went to get froyo with my friend… it was fun but it was like 25 bucks for two people…

he has a crush on me, and i… dont know how i feel about him at all.

im not sure really what my sexuality is anymore… i feel like sometimes i’m massively gay because oh my god men… but then other times i think of ever being in a relationship and it grosses me out… so then i think maybe i’m aro…

i finished watching Madoka Magica Rebellion today!!

it was good… though they skipped over parts in the manga that i really liked… its okay though

it was worth 4 dollars to rent…

it’s almost my birthday…

i wonder if people got me what i asked for.?

hopefully somebody got me the Madoka cosplay i wanted…

i don’t think i’ll be able to afford it myself haha

my grandma has me in therapy right now. I don’t really feel like it’s helping me at all…

but she says i have to do it and she won’t let me go out of it until she thinks i’m ready. i don’t think i’m ever getting out of therapy, if that’s the case.

i don’t really like my family situation. I know compared to others, i have life pretty good. But sometimes i feel like all they care about is keeping me alive so that they dont get accused of bad parenting. Or forcing me to get good grades so that the teachers don’t have to talk to them about how awful i am at everything.

not because they care about my future or anything. because they DON’T care about my future. No matter how much they say they do. You can just sort of tell.

i got my Len Kagamine cosplay a little while ago… my grandma said it was an Amazon pick… but it’s not really as good as the one i picked out…

I’ve been thinking about @n3hmof1sh and @ffelix143 a lot lately!!

i talk about Nehmo and Felix constantly to anybody who listens..

or even if they don’t really listen…

my friends haven’t been responding to my texts. I think they’re ignoring me.

i think maybe i’m being too much of a burden on them… annoying them all the time…

i’m sure some of my friends on here understand what i mean… i don’t really do much outside of tumblr, to be honest

i sort of wish there was no real world, and i could live here in tumblr with the people that actually care… people that i would do anything to spend time with off of a screen..

i’ve gotten so attached to my stupid screens that i really don’t know what else to do without them. I’ve lost any sense of worth in real activities.

i think that’s a bad thing.

but that’s okay.

[smilingangel582]

Me see lee Lyney and him having a crush on Aether:

AAAAAAAA SOMEONE WHO LIKES THIS TO!?

Any ways I was thinking of requesting lee Lyney and ler Aether but if you don't take request because of to busy or just plain out just don't want to I understand

Have a good day or night ☺️

-Pepper 🫑 anon

Nah, nah, Im totally planning on writing ler!aether soon!! Hehe, great minds think a like.

I often have a very air headed mind, so I decided to write the fics on requests so it will be easier and better for anons, hehe. Anyway, enjoy this genshin fic. Additionally, think of this as a sequel to "Rainbow roses."

This is romantic, btw hehe~

(P.s his tongue sticking is way too cute, and i wanna punish him with tickles)

Fontaine thrills Aether in many ways. He often thought Sumeru was the best place he ever visited, but Fontaine came to equal grounds. He can tell Charlotte wasn't kidding back then.

"Bonjour monsieur." The far voice of the woman in a frilly dress greeted him, "Are you perhaps on your way to see Mr. Lyney's latest magic show?"

He smiled and exchanged glances with Paimon, who pointed out "Yup we are... we really see Lyney go wild"

The rainbow rose he kept made him look forward to today's show. It's been some time back after the phantom weasel incident.

After showing the way to take the tickets the woman already left. Lynette was by the entrance of the opera house waving now along with her ears and tail swishing "Hi,"

"Lynette!" Paimon squeaked only to greet back, "Oh, where's Lyney?"

Aether nodded in agreement. Then, for the first time, she offered a fond smile, "I'm sure the ever so confident and bold magician Lyney is, in fact, nervous in particular today."

Aether tilted his head "Why is that?"

She pointed at the rainbow rose on his bosom. "This... well, I'm sure I gave you enough hints, so... take your seats in the front we'll meet during our performance."

With a mysterious glance, she left. Paimon clueless turned to the rose. "Eh? Because of the flower? Was he worried about us asking for the trick again?"

Aether blushed with a smile. Maybe he did understand the situation, especially after Charlotte's brief enlightenment of floral symbolism.

"What's got you so red?" She piped curiously, of course he shakes his head and offered to proceed to the opera House.

Indeed the show began, there's no sign of anxiety, yet he did shift his eyes away from Aether when he talked animatedly by flourishing his hat with a pigeon flapping out of his hat.

The crowd laughed when he juggled clumsily, feigning that he wasn't talented at that but then spinning them back to Lynette, who perfected it by one hand. Aether was fascinated by magicians. He never did understand how magic is considered a form of deception.

The show was spectacular as always with new tricks and old ones that never get bored. After the show everyone exited, talking about how amazing Lyney did and Paimon nagged on that she gotta know the trick somehow to satisfy her.

Later on, the stars of the show arrived. Lyney's discomfort seems slight, but it's his voice that convinced his act. Lynette waved adorably "Hello, did you like the show, traveller?"

They nodded, and Paimon as always stepped towards Lyney folding her arms. "So, teacher? Paimon observed your tricks! That disappearance magic happened because you had a pigeon hidden in the hat, right?"

Aether pointed out now "I doubt that's it, he did show his empty hat"

"Right on the money traveller"

Hearinf Lyney's reply as well, it felt like the end of the world for Piamon. she wailed "Aahhh Paimon's gonna get brain fry!"

Lyney stuck his tongue playfully "Well sorry Paimon, but you tried... I still can reveal my secrets like that"

Aether wanted to say something, but Lyentte suddenly reached for Paimon, taking her out. "How about Paimon and I go and have some desserts, you two chat along"

Expecting a chide from Lyney Aether turned to him, but he flushed in complete surprise. "D-dont leave... I mean... don't spoil your a-appetite Lynette" she was already gone with a complaining Paimon.

Aether is socially active, so he can tell how Lyney is awkward for the first time. As a man on stage he's hard to read but right now Aether can read him like a book.

They left the opera house only to reach the top peak of fontaine, through the lift and staring at the city and waters. Lyney seemed to change the subject first "So, how was the show, traveller?"

Aether shrugged with a grin "As amazing as ever, honestly that's amazing"

"Loss of vocabulary, I see?" Lyney chuckled "well its a good compliment for me, and I'm motivated..."

Aether slowly picked the rainbow rose, seeing the latter distracted by the breeze he shifted the topic now, "I must say, you have a really nice way of expressing passion, Lyney"

Choking a bit to a dangerous topic he sheepishly waved it off seeing hiw the rainbow rose is already involved, "Come now, you flatter me traveller, do I look like a floral expert to you"

A clever magician indeed.

Smirking, Aether advances, pinning Lyney against the balcony as his arms gripped the railing, he appeared taller now, "So, quick question, Charlotte did provide the symbolic meaning of the rainbow rose, plus you decided to change it so easily after knowing the truth, I doubt it's ignorance"

Lyney's position did seem uneasy. He tried to remain calm, but Aether's mesmerising golden eyes didn't let him. "Aether, please... I..."

"You said my name"

That genuinely sounded happy. In fact, he could see Lyney's defences crumbling gradually. He reached to playfully pinch his sides. "Right...? You did say Aether, right?"

Flinching at the touch, he tried to push those taunting fingers, "N-no...?"

"Liar,"

The squeezes became clear as water this time, Lyney couldn't help giggle contagiously. "Alriihight trahahahveller thihihis ihihis rihihidiculous!"

Grinning back, he hummed mockingly. "Not even the magician can understand my sense of humour"

He forcefully wiggled his fingers under his armpits finally breaking the defensive part of him. This made Lyney try to escape from the side as loud snickers tumbled from his lips "Ahahaha Aehehehether wahahahit wahahahait whyhyhyhy?"

"Lynette did let slip a fact about you, so... I want confirmation. " this time, both of them blush, one because of the flushed excitement and the other in his predicament.

"Whahaha? Shehehehe dihihid?" He tried once more to push the annoying pesky fingers playfully poking his bare underarms, which he tried to close up.

"Come on Lyney, admit it, you like me?"

This was like that night with Lyney all over again. He whined now trying to curl away from him, "Ahahaha plehehehease! NOHOHO!"

Aether decided to slide his fingers on his tights, though he didn't know how sensitive they were "How convenient that your weakest spots are so vulnerable, Lyney your so cute"

"CUTE??? AHAHA AEHEHEHTHER COHOHOME OOHOHN WHYHY AHAHARE YOU TIHIHIHICKLING ME?"

Aether decided it was enough before anyone else heard Lyney's loud laughter. He watched the other lean forward on the balcony gasping for breath "Ahahaha gohohod thahats uhuhunexpexted"

"Sorry, I felt... like doing it, since you seemed to stiff" Aether said shyly.

"Aha... noho worries I... neheeded that" finally gasping and regaining his stamina he cleared his throat, no picking up his hat "Well truthfully, I didn't expect you to find out so easily, I... uh... didn't mean to but-"

"Save it, Lyney," Aether grabbed his wrist and and then reached over to grip his neck as he forced a kiss. It surprise Lyney that a mild reaction of pulling away took over but soon gave into the warm touch.

They had the same rosiness, and Lyney lowered his hat with a wary giggle. "Ihi don't know what to say... uh, Aether"

"Say nothing, I'm looking forward to your next performance" Aether waved now heading back first. Then Lyney nodded with overwhelming happiness but mischievously added "And revenge"

Looking back a brief frightened look took over but he smiled it over "Sure then I'll get revenge on your revenge, Mr. Magician."

Lynye ran after him, catching as they laughed together. Meanwhile Paimon was the only clueless person who was still engrossed in figuring out how Lyney did his tricks.

Hope Lynette didn't slip a new interrogation method for Paimon. She just left us speechless when she drank her tea, pretending obliviously to that question.

[beesmygod]

I saw your answer about art experiences. How do you feel things from literature? I am consistently disconnected from things I try to feel from, like I read The Glass Menagerie and it was good, even, but nothing came of it, and usually it is so much less than that.

I thought it might be something like Having A Coke With You, where the art is superceded by real human relationships — and I actually did understand Having A Coke With You for a while, and it was kind of incredible, but now I look at descriptions that resonated me not two months ago and they're just empty. I don't think having friends did that.

I just want this to be me, I want to feel things so much, especially without looking on it from a consumer's perspective (cf. rayne fisher-quam's standing on the shoulders of complex female characters), which I feel is hindering all of this. I feel like I'm missing out on one of the great experiences of life, the connection and meaning that comes from art.

I watched Greg Guevara's video on art experiences, where he said that everyone is overstimulated and spreading out their art experiences into meaningless social media bits, and I don't know how to change that. I saw a play today and I didn't understand it and I was bored, even, and it didn't change me. I needed it to change me into someone who loved it.

I read Anna Karenina in eighth grade and pushed through it and it was a comfort book and I related to Levin but I don't think I understood it, even (I don't have the book anymore). My friend – I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others, I know, but it's relevant – reads Crime and Punishment and feels things. I couldn't even get through the first part of War and Peace.

I'm sorry for the scatteredness, I write on my phone and I find it difficult to organize my thoughts here. I'm sorry for sending this to you, and I hope you feel free to delete it. Lastly, I'm sorry if you cannot answer this, if this is outside your experience.

i have a weird framing and personal philosophy about this subject that i hope does not come off as unsatisfactory to you but bear with me. i'm pretty sure i know this feeling; this is the feeling i get when i'm exposed to the wondrous, marvelous beauty of unspoiled nature. i could not give two shits about the glorious national parks of this genuinely gorgeous country despite my family dragging me all over the continental US for summer break as far as the family van would take us. i have seen some of the most spectacular sights this country can offer, from the grand canyon to the redwoods of california to the devils tower to yellowstone and so many more. and i tell you i stare at it dead-eyed like a fish. i know i should be feeling something, everyone else is. but when i see old faithful erupt all i could think about was how i could see water at home. absolutely 0 spiritual or emotional connection. even landscape paintings leave me cold. i can appreciate and understand the aesthetic value in what i'm seeing, but its like it stops at my eyes and never penetrates my brain.

but i have just accepted that there are things i simply will not be able to experience in my lifetime. this has always been the case for me being less than 5 ft tall with most things in life, but dont read that as self-pitying lore dropping. because the secret is that it's not really that big of a deal to not be able to do things. i might have 0 memories of yellowstone that aren't "insane thing that happened to us" but as an adult i can pursue things i actually do like instead of trying to force myself to FEEL something my brain isn't wired for.

maybe your relationship with reading is the same. you understand literature's grand purpose in the wide tapestry of history or whatever and have seen people have rapturous moments of artistic connection with specific books, but that experience is completely foreign to you. you can even read a book and enjoy it, like how i think the prismatic spring IS pretty fucking sick, but whatever ethereal feeling youre supposed to feel never materialize. thankfully, i promise you that its not a big deal. and now i never have to visit a national park again until i force my children to go see them because it's good for them or whatever. i can sit at home and experience art i DO get that feeling from.

anyway, in short: read things with no expectations of how you're "supposed" to feel about them and just enjoy a pretty good story. keep throwing yourself into artistic pursuits you do enjoy and feel connected to. and try new ones! you never know what will activate your brain

[cybercritterinyourcomputer]

writing this on a whim because my brain is torturing me about it for some reason and i figured what better place to go than tumblr [this is somewhat sarcasm]. i do not particularly know why i am writing/asking this but im chucking it out there to ease the thoughts so i can go to sleep

to any systems or whatever or really anyone reading who found this through the tags i put here, how did you know you were a system. or plural or how did you start questioning it how did you figure it out. bear with me its past 2 am my writing is atrocious . how did you know if you never knew before?

i dont think im plural, but something wormed its way into my brain today or yesterday and i dont know why or when and and its not the first time this has popped into my brain i think. the thought of what if what if what if but im me. its my me it there its me its my thoughts and there is no other people in my brain just me myself and i. its not quiet it never is but it is just me

i think a clearer question i want to ask is: how can you tell if something is just dpdr[because i fear i may have that, unfortunately it is very likely] or this? this as in osdd or did or whatever

it would appear simple but unfortunately for a lot of my life my sense of self has been so broken and so messy because. fuck all everything happening i guess but its just me, truly. i talk to myself, i draw different versions of myself together, i split myself into many parts to cope with things, to highlight the different parts of me, variants. the wolf, the puppy, the robot, the hermit, the hollow, the dragon, and whatever the Me is i dont know who or what i am when im so many things and nothing at the same time. i didnt completely think about this but also how heavily i relate to certain characters in media but this may just be a nonhuman thing. i see so much of myself in certain characters and so much of them in me sometimes to the point where i dont know where i start and they end. but again i think that is just a nonhuman thing or a coping thing. because its still just me here

where does the age regression and nonhumanity start and where does it end when i rely on my creations of myself to keep me afloat. i only talk to myself through thinking and drawing, i dont talk to anybody else in my head, its all me. and unfortunately theres a pattern where i learn of something and i think about it and i go, "oh, no, no no, that is absolutely not me, never would dream of it! even thinking that i could be that is a crime to all the ones that truly have that!" and then it ends up being too true. the depression, the adhd, the age regression, the therianthropy, the hard denial of abuse, the hard denial of possible autism. my friends speculate i have ptsd or cptsd. i dont want to go down that line of thinking with this, i *know* i dont have it, but the fear

its annoying because ive never really been here present in my body im never really here and the horrors dont end and theres always been something wrong with me but i know its other things. i wont share the details, but the situation ive been in the past 8? months has been horrible horrid no good on my brain i hate being awake. and it feels like someone else took the reins but im still feeling the hurt i still have the memories but they dont feel like mine. my memories have never felt like my own but theyre mine and i have to write everything down or i will forget. i go to work i listen to family shit on me i go to work i do something all day but its not me im still in my room playing a game in my pjs but that was almost a year ago but im still there but i went to work but it wasnt me

because my mind is empty, its just me. it really truly is just me. i think im just lonely. and hoping someone could take me away from everything im always going through or for someone to be there. in my head

there was never anything to make me think this before, a couple times i have but years ago, for no reason, im quite sure its just me. i had imaginary friends as a kid which is normal for kids. i still kind of do but its just me talking to me, im saying two things. i think i just have a lot of possible trauma[i dont believe im traumatized but my friends are quite firm that my entire life has been a shitshow since i was born] and a lot of coping mechanisms plus the fact that i have to pretend for my family and me being trans and me being nonhuman and me so its mostly just that

i dont really know what exactly im even asking. i think im just throwing out a bone and praying for someone to go "yeah dude thats normal youre fine, youre normal" and for my brain to stop ruminating and its annoying. or for someone to ease my curiosity and fear and dread. im throwing out a bone, im begging for someone to glance my way, im begging for someone to tell me its okay. not the begging to be okay but to say that my brain is okay and that my life is okay

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

"criminal intentions, she had Stolen Your Heart."

"i'd take a life for your love."

synopsis// when the tables turn and doma finds himself agreeing to worship you.

pairing// doma x gn!reader

word count// 2k

contents// angst? fluff? ooc doma probably (not even probably like i bet he is.. sad face), manga spoilers? but not important spoilers just his backstory, morally grey characters obviously....

notes// i need doma so bad you dont understand. and yes this is inspired by a song... todays inspiration is pineapple bride by anemoria... this shit kinda cringe ngl... i may be cringe but at least i am free. anywho yay! finally a demon slayer one shot!!

Doma lacked empathy; some could say he was just born without it, when in reality he was just never shown it. So how could Doma be expected to have something he was never given? at least that was until he met you.

For Doma, it had been another ordinary day—having people cry at his feet, worshipping a child like he was some kind of god as he gave them whatever advice his child brain could come up with. On the other hand, for you, it could also be said it was another ordinary day, but it was your new ordinary.

Just a few weeks prior, you had come home to find your family slaughtered—you obviously didn’t stick around, escaping to a nearby town only to find everyone there slaughtered as well. Since then, you’ve been mindlessly walking with no destination for the past few weeks, stealing things when needed, and somehow avoiding demons once night fell. But today was different; you could feel it, especially when you entered what you thought was an empty home only to find a boy staring at what you could only presume were his dead parents in a random room. He didn’t have a reaction, not even when you, a random child who seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, made yourself known to him.

“Oh my god?” You whisper breathlessly at the scene before you. You had seen countless people slaughtered, yet somehow you think this takes the cake in terms of gruesomeness.

“Couldn’t they have done this somewhere else? The blood is making the room stuffy,” Doma speaks blankly.

You weren’t phased by his apathy; obviously, he had to have gone through something to have made him this way in the first place. “You should go outside,” you say softly.

He looks at you curiously. “What?” 

Had you not already spent weeks on end finding slaughtered people and growing numb to death, you would not have offered what you’re about to offer at your young age: “I’ll clean this up, so it won’t be stuffy anymore.”

“What do you want?” he asks almost bitterly. “Are you going to cry at my feet for advice as well?”

You stare at him in bewilderment. “What? No, of course not. Why would I do that? I’m just trying to be nice.”

You almost miss how his face softens slightly. “Nice,” he mumbles to himself before offering his hand out to you, something he’d never dream of doing, but he supposes you could be an exception. “I’m Doma.” 

You take his hand hesitantly. “I’m Y/n.” 

From that day on, you and Doma had become inseparable. Where he went, you followed along, and where you went, he followed along. You considered him your best friend, and you liked to think he considered you his as well. Eventually, after spending so much time together, practically conjoined at the hip, it was only obvious that one of you was going to end up catching feelings, and you were the unfortunate one to do just that. You never dared to tell him, because although you were already special to Doma considering how he immediately befriended you and no one else, you weren’t going to try and push your luck out of fear that he’d end up seeing you as pitiful as the humans that worshipped him.

Then there had come a day where the two of you had run into someone who called himself Muzan, claiming he could grant Doma power and offering to turn him into a demon. Doma agreed in a heartbeat, but only if Muzan would turn you too, and you quickly agreed, even despite your past of seeing everyone slaughtered by demons, because you wanted a lifetime plus ten more with Doma. He was your best friend and the love of your life, so of course you would jump at this opportunity. After being turned, it seemed like you two were living your best lives together as upper moons, but that was quickly proven false when Doma started a new cult and you couldn’t stand it.

You couldn’t stand watching these women fawn over him only for him to eat them, and it’s not that you felt bad for them; it was that you felt jealous. So you pushed him away, and heartbreakingly to you, he didn’t make an effort to stop you, like he didn’t care, like you weren’t there for him since you two were kids, like he wasn’t about to beg Muzan to turn you had he said no. But what were you going to do? beg him so he could see you as just another who fawns over him? God no, you weren’t going to stoop to those pitiful humans level just for some impossible chance with Doma. and it was foolish of you to think that you were different from the start, that he would never do this to you, that this would never happen. but it did. So you left. or you tried.

Considering both of you were upper moons, whenever summoned, you were bound to run into him from time to time, and as much as you hated to admit it, even despite leaving him and going off on your own, you still loved him. and at first, whenever you would see him, you would have to stop yourself from practically jumping into his arms, but you learned to suppress that urge; you learned to keep your love for him locked away far beneath within your brain. Doma remained unaffected, at least at first. He had gotten so caught up in his little cult that he truly didn't even notice you left him for the first few months, but once he did, everything went to shit.

What Doma never cared to realize is that you were like air to him. extremely necessary but also extremely unnoticeable, so of course you don’t realize how much you need air until you're gasping for it, and that’s exactly what happened to him. He tried talking to you, but you kept your replies short, ending conversations just as quickly as he began them, and he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand what had happened; just months prior, you were practically glued to his hip, and now you’re reminding him too much of himself for his liking. He didn’t think you lacked complete empathy; he’s just beginning to think you're starting to lack empathy for him, which terrifies him.

Death doesn’t scare him, nor do some silly hashiras, but the idea of you treating him how he’s treated everyone else terrifies him. which is why he keeps trying to get your attention and keeps trying to make amends, and of course it doesn’t work because you’ve locked away any love you still have for him. Doma constantly found himself cursing his younger self for being so naive and not seeing how much you cared for him and how he cared for you just as much, if not more. It eventually all comes to a breaking point when you and Akaza have just come back from a mission, but only Akaza has walked through the doors and you are nowhere to be found. Doma immediately approaches Akaza, someone he considered to be his best friend (after you, of course), and annoys him about you.

Doma throws his arm over him. “I was super worried about you guys!” he says. “You’re my precious buddies; I don't want anyone here to wane out now!”

“Move your arm,” Akaza replies blankly.

He ignores his request. “Mind telling me where y/n is?”

Akaza ignores him and instead punches him, which of course doesn't phase Doma at all.

“Nice punch!” Doma compliments him as he wipes the blood off his face; his wound is already immediately healing itself. “So about Y/n?”

Akaza rolls his eyes and points toward the door. “Outside somewhere, can you leave me alone now?”

“Thank you, Akaza!” he beams before practically bolting out the door.

Doma quickly finds that you aren't out here, or at least not anywhere near, so he ventures out into the surrounding forest only to find you sitting under a tree. You lift your head at the sound of footsteps only to drop it again when you realize who it is.

“Go away, Doma,” you groan.

He perks up. “Glad to see you’re still alive!”

“What part of go away don't you understand?” You snap, glaring at him.

“Why do you hate me?”

“What?“ You laugh in disbelief because, in your mind, Doma didn't care, and you brushed off all his previous attempts to make amends as just something he did to ease the obvious tension between you two when in the same room and not because he actually cared.

Doma frowns. “I'm trying!”

You stare at him in complete bewilderment as you stand up and approach him, wanting to be face-to-face with him. In all honesty, you're partially trying to intimidate him to see if he’s bluffing, but you can’t see even a hint of insincerity in his face, and it makes your blood boil.

“For once?”

“Why are you acting like this? Why do you have to get so angry at me?”

“What? You mean acting like you?” you scoff. “I'm just playing a game you laid out for me, Doma.”

“I know,” he sighs in defeat. “So, Y/n, just tell me what I have to do to fix it... Please.”

You stare at him wide-eyed, your jaw clenched tight. You can't let him get to you, he's lying, he doesn't mean any of this.

Doma takes a step closer to you, your chests about to touch at this point. “Tell me, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything.”

“Yeah right.” You roll your eyes and scoff as you try to take a step back, but Doma grabs you by your arms and holds you in place.

“I’m serious.”

Your eyes bore into him intensely, taking his words as a challenge. “Fine. If you’re so serious, worship me for a change.”

You don’t say this with the intention of him taking you seriously; you don't think he actually will; you want to catch him bluffing; you don't want to think that maybe he does reciprocate your feelings and that he is actually really willing to do anything for you.

“Done,” Doma replies immediately as he drops to his knees in front of you faster than you can comprehend, he didn't even need to think about it.

“Doma-“

“What else?” he asks, looking up at you with a sickly sweet smile.

“Get up!” you say quickly, avoiding his unwavering gaze. The sight of him on his knees for you is proving to be too much.

“You wanted me to worship you; I'm doing it.”

You breathe out heavily, your body growing far too warm for comfort, and you’re sure if he stays there any longer you might actually start believing him and give into your love for him again. “I'm sure you do this with all of your little cult members. Now, get up.”

Doma grabs your hand, which catches your attention. You meet his gaze, which has still been on you this whole time, while he brings your hand up to his mouth and places a chaste kiss on it. “Don't be foolish; you’re the only one.”

You swallow harshly. There goes any resolve you had on not giving in to him. “Get up, Doma,” you say softly, not bothering to take your hand out of his.

He hums at your change of tone and listens, his hand still holding yours. “So?”

“So what?”

He smiles and gives your hand a slight squeeze. “Am I forgiven?”

“No, not yet," you sigh. "You still have to work for it. You took me for granted, Doma.”

He hums, and you expect him to frown or protest, but he doesn’t; he simply nods.

Doma places another chaste kiss against your hand as he mumbles,

"Like I said, I’ll do anything."

You attempt to hold back a smile but fail miserably.

"I like the sound of that."

©TODAYISAWTHEWHXLEWXRLD

[rubberduckrobin]

hi there im feelin a bit blue, i wonder if u can do some belphie comfort writing? like when uve just had a terrible day feelin like everything downed on u and u came to him for console :,) hes my favorite character so if u do it tyvm! if u dont thats perfectly ok too!

Hey Anon! Tysm for this request - it means a lot to me! I’m sorry to hear you haven’t been feeling good but I hope you’re doing alright <3

Enjoy the fic! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

𝘾𝙤𝙢𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙩.

Fandom: Obey Me!

Pairing: Belphegor x GN!Reader

Type: Fluff, comfort

Word count: Around 1k. (rounded up)

Summary: After a long, difficult day you seek out Belphie for comfort, hoping that you’ll find what was missing from your day, in the warmth of his arms.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51474559

TW: Nothing I can think of.

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓

Prologue:

Please love me. Please tell me you love me. Please tell me you love me and brush my tears away. 

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆

Part 1: The dark stormy clouds bring satisfied fields of flowers. 

Fortune is something you believe in. And from the moment you woke up, you knew you weren’t on cruel luck's side. 

Even your morning’s dream was a nightmare. Even the little comfort you found in the day’s rainy skies, your favourite type of weather, cannot overcome the underlying feeling of needing something more. 

Needing to let out anger, at the strangers that pushed against you, let out sadness at the loss of the day that could have been productive.

You need something.

Today was awful. Today was a day you wish hadn’t happened. 

But a part of you knows that seeking comfort in Belphegor afterwards is what would make it so…worth it. 

You hate feeling as though you’re taking advantage, and that you shouldn’t want to have such a terrible day just to be able to come to Belphie for help, but his warmth is irresistible, like a blanket in bitter cold. 

This wasn’t the first time you found yourself outside his room, staring blankly at his doorknob, a debate with two sides of your brain, the ‘considerate’ and the ‘selfish’.

Should I knock? Should I leave? 

If he denies your presence, you’ll be left empty, unloved, another reason for wanting the horrible day to end and for the earth to cave in under your feet. 

However, he could also be the one to stop everything; your memories of the people that pushed past you, the lack of effort you put into your work, the torment you endured from family, acquaintances, friends. Everything. Everything that happened.

The doorknob clicks open.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆

Part 2: Security Blanket

As you reach for the door, it opens from the other side.

“Y/N? What are you doing here?”

Your swollen-eyed gaze meets Belphegors and it only takes him a moment to realise what’s happening.

“Another one of those days, huh?”

You can’t respond.

Everything…

“Alright. Come in.”

Everything…

Belphie wraps around you by the waist almost instantaneously, cold hands curling warmly around your stomach; his warmed breath paces against the line of your neck, tickling you gently. 

He runs circles on your back whilst leading you towards his bed. 

“I was just feeling sleepy. I’m glad to have a new pillow.”

Still holding your hand, he gets under his duvet, ushering you in with soft breaths. 

Everything…

You’re pulled into the comfort of his blanket, and he repositions his arms to be around your torso again, burrowing his head into the crook of your neck. 

“Mm.”

Everything…

“Are you gonna tell me what happened?” he asks, in nothing more than a whisper.

“It’s just…not a good day today.”

“Alright…do you want to stay here with me? Like this?”

“…yes.”

Everything.

Time stops. Memories stop. 

It’s only you and him. 

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆

Part 3: As gentle as mournful melodies tribute to joy. 

He begins to hum, the vibrations running down your aching body. 

The song is not one you know, but it provides a sense of familiarity. It’s similar to the feeling of completing something small, like a puzzle, or something big, like your day. 

As he runs his hands through your hair, you find your mind to be indulged in nothing but the sensation. The feeling of his fingers winding their way through each strand, the pause when he goes to start from your scalp again.

You feel pampered.

Everything.

Through newfound drowsy thoughts, you begin to speak.

“Everything today was just so…”

Before you can find the word to complete it, he speaks.

“Difficult? …mm…”

“Like the world was…”

“…Against you?”

“No. More like…crashing in on me. But yeah, that too.”

“Okay. It’s okay. That’s life…”

“Life sucks then.”

“Yeah…it really does.”

Everything.

“…what can make it better?”

“I don’t know.”

“…is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Alright. Do you want to sleep? …Or talk?”

 “I don’t…”

“Know?” His laughs are muffled against your body and your heart just melts - you’re so lucky to have him.

It’s unusual how you aren’t anything more than friends, but you are together as though more. His tenderness as he holds you seems more than just what you are labelled. 

“Hey, Belphie?”

“Hmm?”

“Don’t you think its weird to be like…this? You know…”

“Huh? Oh. No? You were upset. And you looked exhausted. I don’t see a problem with this.”

“Don’t you think this is something for couples?”

“No. But…”

“But?”

“It’s nothing, go to sleep. You’re tired.”

Nothing more is needed to be said, and nothing more is to be done, aside from you just staying in his arms as you dream.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆

Part 4: Dreams.

I dream of idle moments in your arms. The weight of your body against mine. The sink of my heart before the flutter. The stars in the sky as you watch with glistening eyes.

I think of how stupid this is, how stupid this all is. How ridiculous it is to think such romanticised thoughts.

Then I think of you.

Everything stops and all there is is my heartbeat against yours. 

Nothing less, nothing more.

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᶻ 𝗓

End Author’s Note: I hope you enjoyed it! To whoever is reading this: please be kind to yourself and have a great day/night! :)

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

writing this because my doctors office made me feel sad

this is purely self-indulgent. sorry if its not what anyone's looking for

shout-out to @chaotic-on-main and @levis-squishy-cheeks for helping me work through this today

pairing: levi x reader

word count: 1.9k

tw: implied suicidal thoughts, descriptions of depressive symptoms

notes: modern!au, soft!levi, depressed!reader, hurt/comfort, idk i needed this dont judge me

You had spent the night crying yourself to sleep again.

Prior to that, you had spent the entire day thinking that your brain was falling apart. Your mood went from 0-100 within the span of a second. There was no pattern. You'd be fine one minute and then swing to the other end of the emotional spectrum the next. It was exhausting.

If it wasn't for Levi and his unwavering support, you wouldn't be sure if you would still be alive. It was hell having to deal with this. If it wasn't for him, you'd be fully convinced that no one wanted you around.

Your eyes slowly peeled open as you stared at the empty ceiling above you. You felt like you were experiencing the world through a muffled filter. You heard and saw everything that was going on around you, but it felt like a lucid dream.

You couldn't move. Even getting your finger to twitch took all your energy.

Your eyes looked to the side and you saw that the sun was shining directly into the upper window.

You had slept in again.

Not only that, you had slept in much past the "normal" wakeup time.

You slowly tilted your head up to look at the clock resting on the edge of your nightstand.

2:00pm.

You had gone to bed the previous night at 7:00pm and then slept up until now. You haven't had a full meal in at least two days. You haven't showered for a week. Guilt tore away at what remaining self-love you had in you. Levi helped keep you together and you absolutely hated that he had to shoulder the burden that was keeping you around.

You turned back over to stare at the ceiling again, counting to yourself as you poured your energy into being able to freely move your fingers and toes. When you were finally able to open and close your fist at ease, you looked back at the clock again.

2:45pm.

You let out a defeated sigh. You weren't going to make it on time at this point. You had an appointment at 3:30pm for a bi-annual checkup for a medical condition that you had recently developed.

However, you figured that as long as you showed up in some capacity, no matter how little, you would count that as a win for the day. You could always just hop back into bed afterwards. All you had to do was make it in and hope the results indicated at least some improvement on your end.

~~~~~

"You need to lose weight. You need to exercise more. You need to get outside."

"Well, my depression makes that really hard so-"

"Losing weight will help with that. It'll help you manage your hormones and stabilize your mood."

You gripped at the blanket in rage, curling up into a ball, hoping that you would just shrink away and disappear. Getting up was a waste of time. The only thing that happened was you going into that shitty doctor's office to get berated and invalidated for an hour. Getting up was a mistake.

After arriving back home, you immediately dropped your stuff to the ground and climbed back into bed without even changing into your home clothes. Everything that had happened today made being awake for another minute seem like a living hell.

~~~~~

He knew something was wrong the minute he stepped through the door.

He had seen that your car had shifted its spot on the driveway, indicating that it had been used.

Levi looked forward into the dark apartment that you two shared, knowing that you were home. While he wouldn't have been too surprised at the fact that the lights were off normally, the fact that your car moved meant that you had gotten out of bed, left the house, and immediately went back in upon arriving home.

That in itself was already better compared to the past few days, but it didn't bring him any ease. Just because you made it out of the house didn't mean that you were doing any better.

Once he stepped inside and flipped on the light switch, he saw that your stuff had been haphazardly thrown on the ground, leading a trail into the bedroom.

He sighed, knowing that this behavior wasn't normal. Something had happened.

Levi peeked into the bedroom, a grim look appearing on his face once he saw you cocooned into the blankets. He slowly walked over and gently sat next to you, leaning down a bit so he could see your face.

"Still low today?" he asked quietly.

He heard you emit a quiet whine as you shuffled, burying yourself further into your fortress.

You hid in the dark safety of your bed for a few minutes before feeling the bed slightly shift and hearing your bedroom door close. You peeked out of the blanket and saw that Levi had left. Upon focusing more, you heard movement in the kitchen.

After about a minute, your neck started complaining from you maintaining your elevated position. Since you lacked the energy to fully readjust, you simply laid back down.

You heard the door open again after a while and you glanced over as you saw Levi bring over a mug of freshly brewed tea and a small bowl of soup.

Levi knew of the fact that you hadn't been eating properly for the past few days. While that thought was slightly distressing, he also knew he couldn't force you to eat—and he didn't want to anyway if it was just going to cause you more distress. Besides, he knew that you wouldn't be able to keep anything solid down in this state, so soup was the next best option.

You quickly buried yourself in the blanket again. Levi having to deal with you just lying around in bed was bad enough, but it broke your heart to think of all the extra effort he had to put in to take care of you. It only reinforced the thoughts in your head that continued to tell you that you were a burden.

You actively cowered as you heard him set the mug and bowl down before sighing.

He didn't sound annoyed, but he definitely sounded exasperated—or maybe exhausted. You couldn't tell.

"I made you tea."

You felt him sit down next to you again as your head poked back out. You slowly sat up, avoiding eye contact out of embarassment. While you wanted to continue hiding, you also knew that sipping on his brews provided you some of that comfort that you desperately needed right now.

You quietly sipped at the tea, while still avoiding eye contact.

"I saw the car moved," he spoke, glancing right at you.

You didn't answer.

You saw him tilt his head out of the corner of your eye as he spoke again.

"I assume you made it in?"

You didn't answer.

"It's okay if you didn't."

You felt your hand slightly shaking as he said that last phrase. He has said it over and over and over again whenever you were in these states.

It's okay.

He never knew if those words truly got through to you, but he went ahead and provided you that consistent reminder that no matter how bad things felt or how "useless" you felt, that you were enough.

You unsteadily placed the mug back onto the nightstand, still looking down.

"I did," you said quietly.

With the state he had found you in, and based off of how you responded just now, he was able to tell that it didn't go well. He didn't know the details as to what happened, but he didn't need to. All that mattered was that it went poorly and that you felt like shit because of it.

You felt him place his hand on your leg, giving it a gentle squeeze as you finally looked towards him.

"Almost everything was wrong," you whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Nearly everything that they could possibly measure was wrong," you spoke, your voice gradually increasing in volume. "Eating's wrong. Exercise is wrong. Even sleeping is wrong—and every time I tried to explain that it's impossible to keep track of all that when even dragging myself out of bed is impossible, they just ignored everything I was saying."

Levi quietly listened as you continued to describe your horrific experience with what was supposed to be a simple, routine check-up.

The past few days had been literal hell for you. It wasn't even that anything particularly bad happened. It was one of your occasional flare-ups that had been especially bad this time around. Your mood had been all over the place, your paranoia about everyone secretly plotting to abandon you had shot through the roof, and your self-hatred multiplied to the point that it was seething out of you.

"It's like the world just continues to tell me I'm defective. My brain's broken, my body's broken. Couldn't finish school. Can't keep a job," you said as you threw your hands in the air, feeling yourself getting heated and activated with every word you were saying.

You paused for a bit, taking deep breaths to try to calm yourself down.

"You're not defective, _____," Levi spoke.

You immediately averted your gaze. You didn't believe that for a single second.

Levi reached over and gently pushed at your shoulder to get your attention.

"Hey, look at me."

You didn't move.

He sighed, scooted forward, and gently grabbed onto your chin so he could turn you to face him. His eyes finally locked onto yours for the first time since he came home. He looked right into your eyes as he spoke.

"You are not defective. You are not broken."

You felt yourself wanting to shrink and hide again as he said those words. Although those words brought you comfort, they also stung, because they addressed your deeply rooted fears. You shook your head as you desperately tried to look back down and squirm out of his grasp, feeling tears building up in your eyes.

"A lot has happened in your life and that's okay."

He never took his eyes off you as he gently placed his other hand on the side of your face as a gesture of comfort.

"I love you for who you are and anyone else who questions you is a fucking idiot."

Upon feeling his touch and hearing those words, you placed one of your hands on his, using his presence to ground yourself.

You shakily nodded at him, the tears finally falling out of your eyes as you saw his gaze soften.

Upon seeing your tears, he pulled you into a tight hug, giving you a gentle squeeze as you silently cried against him.

You were so, so, grateful that he was there. At this point, he was probably the only person in the world that didn't make you feel like a complete and utter disaster. You buried your face into him, silently wishing that you could stay here forever and forget all of the other things in your life that continuously kicked you back down.

Levi placed a gentle kiss on the top of your head.

"Eat that soup before it gets cold," he said, slightly pulling away before pulling you in to a gentle kiss, wiping the stray tears off your face. "Depending on how you feel I'll take you on a drive afterwards. It'll at least help you get some air."

You gave him a small smile and nodded at him, slightly reaching out as he stood back up and grabbed your now empty mug to take back into the kitchen. As you watched him walk down the hallway, you felt that the heaviness in your heart had lifted ever so slightly.

You felt like shit. There was no doubting that—but the fact that Levi stuck with you despite all of your struggles, the fact that he has fully accepted you and loved you for who you were, and the fact that he has pulled through every time you found yourself like this was enough for you to forget your misery at this very moment, and simply allow yourself to be bathed in his comforting presence.

A/N: i'm leaving the condition vague so people can maybe relate to it better idk. sorry if this sucks, as i said its purely self-indulgent because levi fluff helps make me feel less bad

[coneheda]

87 clexa 🤩

87. “You were never just my friend.”

“Wanna tell me about them?’

Clarke glances up from where her fingers idly run through water droplets on the walnut bar top to find the bartender giving her a knowing look. What they know, Clarke isn’t sure, mostly because at this point her brain is swimming with more questions than answers and what ifs and not yets, that- combined with alcohol- leave her brain nothing more than three pounds of mush. 

“Who?” She feigns, resting her head in her hand. She tries to blow an errant strand of hair that falls in front of her face, but gives up after her fourth attempt makes her light headed.

The bartender replaces her empty tumbler with a glass of water.

“The person who has you moping in a bar at eight o’clock on a wednesday”

“It might not be a person y’know. I could be having problems at work or an early mid life crisis.” Clarke grumbles. Who is this guy thinking he knows what's going on in her life?

“I’m no therapist, but I’ve been doing this job long enough to know the difference between those looks and your face says love life all over.” He crosses his arms smugly.

“You couldn’t be more wrong about that.” Clarke mutters, taking a sip of water.

“We’ll see about that.” He says.

“Don’t you have work to do or something?”

“You’re the only one here, the glasses are polished, silverware wrapped, and I have more limes sliced than I’ll ever need for tomorrow. Aside from actually closing up which I can’t do for another two hours, you are my work so no I have nothing better to be doing.” He says, wiping away condensation masterpiece without a second thought. “Look you can sit here and brood quietly while you sober up or you can talk it out and see if it helps any.”

Clarke sighs. What could it hurt? 

“Her name is Lexa and she is…or was a friend”

“Ookay, tell me about this friend Lexa then.” He says mirroring her position across the bar.

“She’s leaving tomorrow and I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again, which is stupid because she’s only moving 30 minutes away, but… after today I dont think she’ll want to see me.”

“And why’s that?”

“I think I broke her heart” Clarke admits, leaving out the ‘and maybe my own’

“So it is your love life!” He snaps his fingers and grins like he just won a game Clarke didn’t know they were playing.

“No!” Clarke splutters “We were never- we aren’t- I don’t- she’s my best friend okay? That’s all its ever been.”

The bartender gives her a dubious look. “Yeah not buying it. She sounds like a lot more than a friend to me.”

“I guess that’s the problem. We never were just friends but we were never more than that either. There was- when we met we almost...but we were both just out of relationships and I wasn’t ready to be in another one and didn’t want us to just be a one off or a regret so I stopped it, said not yet and that became not ever when we fell into a regular friend routine and everything was fine! Mostly. I mean I guess there was always that nagging ‘what if’ in the back of my mind about that night and maybe I think of her in ways I don’t with other friends and there were times that I thought something might happen, but it never did” Clarke admits trying to tame the heat rising to her cheeks. “But she never brought it up either! Until today. Because why not wait until the last possible minute right? Who does that? Lexa. Lexa does that”  

“So if you like her and she likes you…” He trails off. If only it were that simple!

“She asked me if I could think of a reason for her to stay, can you believe that? Like I’m going to be the one to hold her back so I said no and-”

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse you?”

“I said bullshit. Yeah she may have done some straight out of a romance movie shit and left it until she had a reason not to see you after if things went south but you just told me you like the girl and she’s only moving 30 minutes away. Is she not worth the little extra distance? Who cares if she’s here or there if you both finally figured your shit out.”

Clarke buries her head in her hands, muffling her groan. 

“Yeah you fucked up, but you said she’s not leaving until tomorrow right? You still have time to fix it. I’m sure all that built up tension between you will lead to a-”

“I don’t think that’s appropriate” Clarke says, her face flushes as images flash through her mind. Not that she’d be opposed to that, but still he doesn’t need to know that.

“Hey,” he points to himself  “bartender not a therapist, remember? The only LCSW I have is a license for spirits and wine.”

“You forgot the C” Clarke points out, thankful for the change in subject. The bartender flicks his towel at her..

“Mmm crummy-advice say it real fast though so it sounds like one word.” He grins “Now off you go, win your girl back.”  

—

A loud knock wakes her from her nap on the couch. Is it still considered a nap if its after 9pm and she probably would have stayed asleep if not for the banging? She didn’t mean to fall asleep, she was just exhausted after a long day and her eyelids got heavier as the TV got trashier.

She rubs the sleep from her eyes, muffling a yawn into her sleeve as she walks to the door. She barely has it open before a flash of blonde darts in and she’s engulfed in a bone crushing hug and her favorite scent.

“Clarke?” Lexa says hesitantly as she wraps her arms around her. A few hours ago she thought she was never going to hear from Clarke again let alone hold her and she's not going to waste the opportunity.

“I went to your place, but Anya said you decided to leave early since you had everything packed.” Clarkes muffled reply is barely heard through the fabric of Lexa’s sweatshirt.

“Yeah, I thought it would be better this way.” Lexa says loosening their hold so they are still embracing but she can look at Clarkes face. Her eyes are red, nose runny and- “Please tell me you didn’t drive”

Clarke shakes her head “My keys are still at the bar. Murphy called me a ride and then Anya grudgingly called me another one since I guess I left my phone at the bar too and I don’t think she likes me that much right now.” She shrugs eyes locking with Lexa’s “But I had to see you tonight” 

Lexa didn’t look at her phone before answering the door but she guesses she’ll find a few texts if not a missed call from her friend warning her about her late night visitor when she does. She sighs, leading them toward the couch, tucking a leg under herself as she sits and gestures for Clarke to do the same.

“You already saw me today.” Lexa starts when it’s clear Clarke isn’t going to.  

“Can we pretend I didn’t? Or at least have that conversation again?” Clarke asks.

Lexa tries to quell the hope rising inside of her, but the girl sitting in front of her has always been her greatest weakness. “I asked if there was a reason for me to stay”

“And there isn’t” Clarke nods and just like that the hope sinks like lead in her stomach. Seeing Lexa’s face fall Clarke hurries to continue “Wait wait that’s not what I meant! At least not totally. I don’t want you to stay for me, you hated your old job-”

“I could have found another one in the area.” 

“You found this one though and it is such a good fit for you.” Clarke says, taking Lexa’s hand in her own. “And I don’t know why it had to be one or the other.”

“What are you saying?” Lexa asks, searching Clarkes face for the answer.

“Why did you wait until today to ask me?” Clarke counters.

Lexa sighs, rubbing her thumb on the back of Clarkes hand. “I didn’t mean to. I kept wanting to talk to you, but I was scared I made everything up and I didn’t want to ruin whatever time we had left together with my feelings for you.”

“Lex…you’re making it sound so dramatic. You moved 30 minutes away, not to the other side of the country!” 

“You seemed to agree with me earlier!” Lexa huffs, turning her body away from Clarkes. "You said we were just friends"

A finger on her chin draws her back and suddenly Clarke is sitting a lot closer to her than she was before. Lexa swallows hard, eyes flitting back and forth between Clarkes.

“I was an idiot before, you were never just my friend and I’m not going to let something good slip between my fingers just because I’m scared are you?”

Lexa shakes her head and that's all the permission Clarke needs to close the gap between them.