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#my feelings. my delusions. my issues.
dog-girl-zezora · 9 months
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theygender · 1 year
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This has been on my mind for weeks and I talked to my therapist about it today and told my girlfriend about it too so now it's time for me to update the gay people in my phone: I may have schizotypal personality disorder
#this is like the equivalent of telling the bees to me#rambling#like ive been thinking about ever since i learned that autism shares a lot of similarities with schizophrenia and looked into that#and then learned about negative/cognitive symptoms and realized i related a lot to them#and then i learned more about schizotypal personality disorder and it was fuckin scary how much i related to it#what with the magical thinking and the severe social anxiety that doesnt go away when i get to know someone#and the ideas of reference and the eccentricity and the communication difficulties and the strange thought patterns#and then i specifically learned about avolition as a negative symptom which describes the exact thing thats ruining my life rn#and. i was scared to talk to my therapist about it bc i was worried it could be used against me somehow#but it was good to talk it out with her and get some additional perspective on whats going on in my brain#and if it means i could maybe possibly work on fixing the avolition and the social anxiety (my two biggest issues for years)#then it would be 100% worth it tbh. and its also kind of helpful to have some sort of framework to understand whats happening in my brain#funnily enough when i told my girlfriend (who was previously mis?diagnosed with schizophrenia and considering autism)#about it she related a lot too. so i guess we'll see how that goes#its. crazy how much of an overlap there is between schizospec orders and autism#i feel like i might should write up a post going into detail about different schizospec disorders to raise awareness#bc like. it is so much more than just hallucinations and delusions#in fact its not even required to have both of those for any schizospec disorder. some only require one and others dont require either#there is so much to the schizophrenic spectrum that i was unaware of and I'm sure that's probably true of other people too
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brofightiscancelled · 2 months
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fighting yowai....
#what must it be like to be 10 years old only child#and then suddenly you have a little sister that eberyine adores and fawns over#like i just kniw they spoilt totoko so bad (canon) and neglected fighting for it (my delusion)#he probabky tried to bully her and got heavily reprimended by his parents for it#probably would lead to him still being childish at 20... suddenly not getting attention anymore -> regression and acting out#maybe anger issues too. hence boxing#idk. i feel like he mustve grown upcresenting her to some degree#little girl who gets everything#i mean their parents did let him live at homr still at 20 but that seemed contingent on him inheriting the fish shop#idk. im hallucinating. im delusional. but man. what must their relationship have been like...#now that theyre both adults they can get along as equals. but oh.. the gaps from childhood they cant fill#considering their age difference i wonder if they even felt like family at a certain point....#tragedy of the spoilt girl and her forgotten brother....#the way it ruined theur lives (potentially) in different ways#sorry. im thinking too hard abt it im hallucinating. sorry#aughhh i love totoko as a study of a spoilt girl grown up though#the sextuplets and her both pampered as kids and never grew up#vs fighting at 20 who wanted to be an adult but didnt want to grow up.. now with child..#potentially reconnecting w parents for first time in years??#sorry. im thinking too much abt a character who showed up for 3 seconds. sorry#sorry i started relating the character w 1 manga appearance to my own personal familial dynamics and now im invested. sorry
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hauntingblue · 2 years
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Mmm.... so FRIENDSHIP it is
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kidfoundonstreets · 11 months
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I DONT HAVE THE IMAGES IRGHT NOW BUT YOU UNDETRNSAD?? YOU GET ?? YOLU GET? IM MADLY I NLOV WITH YOU TIWLIGHTRCADE MY GOOD FRIEND MY COMRADEMY RIDE ROD IE
#freak to freak communication you know ?#thank u . u r the best ever <3#i really enjoy ur rants and talkings always always.. i hope we r buried skeleton together all for meotauls#anyway matty and ahshe silluy in the way that thjey absooltuely fucking hate eahcother nad ahse has dienfitley b#locked many things out as his life froze after his family died therefore he hasnt had time to process the anger towards matty#maybe he has had anger nad bitterness towards other things but i dont feel like matty is high on his priority right now esp#since he doesnt know wher eh eis but hes still a deep rooted issue - and its not thast he hasnt accepted his familys#death exactly (thouhg i guess that is it but in other wording) its that he hasnt accepted it ending like this#he has to think about his family dead to think about summoning them back yet still i do think he does have#many delusions where they are alive and the thought of going back to them is the only thing keeping him going really#sometimes i think about how even wehn hes crossed the line and killed so#mebody hes still going on it feels like a dead corpse being raked across the floor to lose another piece of who he is once again#kid's heart#BUT THAT ISNT WHAT I WNATED TO TALK ABOUT AURGHH!!#i think that in the past maybe possuibnly you have to be another level of ill to get this far#but ashe geeneeuinly thought of matty as a good friend who was close to him etc etc but on mattys side its harder#because theres no clear intetion ill make up my own i say he did value ashe in a way but#in the end what did indeed win out was his hatred and infeoririuty towards ashe - i dont think he even wouldve goen that far#if he didnt know ashe o rmaybe he wouldve done it sooner - he would spend time with ashe normally with the thought#of how hes using him bnack in his head then go home nad the feelings would pile up pile up pile up esp since his parents#would lay the pressure on thick meanwhile whenever he went to ashes house it wa s ashining exmaple#of what he didnt hvae#and because matty is selfish. it drives him insane#i find it kinda funny how ashe got his trust broken by him leaving such a scar yet now hes#lying to people as matty was as well#i can say more but im scared.
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thethingything · 6 months
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so our brain has absolutely not chilled out with the Cotard's delusion which normally wouldn't be a huge deal because we're used to it, but usually it presents a specific way for us that we've got really good at handling and our brain has kind of added extra stuff on this time that we're not as used to that's making it harder to deal with and I can tell I'm gonna want to talk about it a lot but I'm also aware that I sound kind of insane when I try to explain it.
on the plus side I'm at least used to the way our brain works and the logic it uses for this kind of delusion so I feel pretty confident in our ability to figure out how to deal with the new stuff, and other people in the system have been coming up with stuff that's actually helped a lot so that's a relief
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immortaltale · 1 year
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does anyone else ever think about this because i do
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piplupod · 11 months
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yet again i am trying to figure out how much to tell the counselor/therapist about how bad things are getting bc the considerations i must take into account include:
1) will i be put into the psych ward for this, and
2) will telling a professional actually help me, what kind of help would actually be available for this, and
3) are they going to give me more medications that don't actually address or fix the root of the problem while still giving me awful side effects that I'm just supposed to deal with and hopefully not end up in the hospital for
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batqueers · 1 year
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“are you sleep” no im not sleep you ran over me with a 16 wheeler
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rigginsstreet · 1 year
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sometimes i'll be watching a video or reading up about a certain mental illness from people living with it and im like "oh some of these things are hitting..." but not to an extent that it debilitates my life? but also it feels like its certainly happening more than it should for like normal people lmao and i can never tell if these are just symptoms of my anxiety that cause certain feelings to be heightened or if theres something else going on
#just like for example#im watching this video about schizophrenic delusions#and the ladys talking about how she personally has a thing about mirrors and feeling like theres always a camera in them#or how shes always aware of cops around her because she has a thing about being followed by cops#and im sitting here like oh yeah i too am hyper aware of cops around me cuz i think im gonna end up getting arrested for a crime i didnt#even know i committed#but like thats probably just my anxiety#i do not think im schizophrenic btw im just using this as an example since im here#anyway my point is i'll hear about symptoms sometimes and be like 'oh yeah i have that more than a regular person probably does but also im#aware enough of them generally to be able to ignore it and not let it consume me so its probably a non issue then'#except there are other things where if brought to my attention i literally cannot let it go#but then that also my just be phobia related#like theres some things where if someone mentions it to me i will not be able to stop thinking about it and become very paranoid#im being vague cuz its about a fear i dont like telling people incase its used against me lmao#so you understand my position here#but again.... could just be phobia + anxiety coming together to fuck me up#i did have a therapist tell me once i might have ocd#thats another thing im always questioning#idk im doing a lot of talking im just thinking out loud here but like i would like to be able to go through life sometimes without being#plagued by such thoughts#(the paranoia and shit)
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happy points
i prioritized myself and moved a consultation online rather than commuting for over an hour to the city
im editing my playlists and adding cute covers to them and also reminiscing over songs id forgotten about!
hozier. that's it, thats the whole point.
i am slowly getting into writing again! hopefully ill make sth half decent, maybe continue where i left off
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everswift · 2 years
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autistic ppl in latin american countries are just built different. so much physical contact. so much metaphorical language. so much eye contact. so much instant closeness with people that just met you. so much obligatory small talk. so much “friendliness” with unspoken boundaries, especially in the workplace. so much “oh i'm gonna check and i'll tell you later if i can” instead of “no, sorry”. so much imprecise language because being clear and direct is seen as rude. so much disregard for personal space. so much willingness to bend the rules here and there. and yet we just keep on going
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yououghtaknow · 1 year
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google search how to stop feeling guilty for getting help
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Would really love it if now that my brain is behaving more my body would get the memo too
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backtodecembertv · 10 days
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listening to clean as if i am not the exact opposite of clean right now
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irlnikeiyomiuri · 2 months
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...... la la la la la
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