#but i just... really want to avoid being put into the psych ward or my parents catching wind of me having these reality issues fjfkdl

[piplupod]

yet again i am trying to figure out how much to tell the counselor/therapist about how bad things are getting bc the considerations i must take into account include:

1) will i be put into the psych ward for this, and

2) will telling a professional actually help me, what kind of help would actually be available for this, and

3) are they going to give me more medications that don't actually address or fix the root of the problem while still giving me awful side effects that I'm just supposed to deal with and hopefully not end up in the hospital for

[thirstytrashblogger]

Allan x Reader Meetcute Oneshot Adventure

A/N: God gave me the power to write and weed so I’m making stuff. 

Summary: A Allan Adventure redone scene so he can avoid that long-ass day. Really half of this is just the transcript from wiki but I had fun with it. 

Warnings: Mentions of quitting smoking, Smiling Friends shenanigans

___________________

Allan had stepped into the local Office Crap in search of some paper clips. He speaks to an employee with six arms who was stocking shelves to quickly ask where he could find the paper clips. 

Allan: Um, excuse me.

Armzo: [interrupting Allan] Wait, wait, wait, hold on man, I'm do- I'm in the middle of something here.

Allan walks up to Armzo while he continues to stack cans.

Allan: I just need some help.

Armzo: I'm warning you right now dude, keep screwing around and bad shit’s gonna happen, man.

Allan scowls at the rude attitude. 

Allan: You don't need to be rude.

Armzo angrily puts his cans down and walks up to Allan. Tapping his foot impatiently.

Armzo: Ok, what's up man, what do you want, huh? What’s going on, what do you need, man? Don't get nervous now, man, what? Ask your-ask your question, go ahead, what?

The two talk over each other, while the armless manager in the background notices the argument.

Allan: Look, asshole, I'm just wondering if you have any-

Armzo: Asshole?!

Allan: Yeah-

Allan and Armzo: Asshole!

Allan: You-

Armzo: Did you call me an asshole?!

Allan: Yes, I did, because you're being an asshole! Why didn't you help me?

Armzo: Bro, you’re being an asshole! I'm in the middle of something right now!

Allan: Fuck you, don't you work here? I'm just a customer!

Armzo: You walk up to me and you literally just start bugging me with stupid questio-

Allan: I'm not "bugging you", I'm just asking- you- you spider, you ass-

Armzo: What do you need?! Wha-

The manager runs over.

Manager: ARMZO! Who told you to stop stacking with your six arms? He wiggles his arm stubs.

Armzo angrily continues stacking while scowling at Allan.

Allan: Sir, do you know where I can find some paperclips?

Manager: Paperclips? No, sorry. Unfortunately, we're sold out.

Allan: Sold out?

 The manager nods.

Allan: Hmm, is there somewhere else where I can get them?

Manager: Hmm, the only place that might have them is that computer repair shop over in Crimeville.

Just then another critter appeared setting down a large box that was blocking them from view.

Y/N: W-wait, boss, what do you mean sold out? I just hauled in all these crates of paper clips.

Manager: O-oh ya did?

Y/N: Yeah for like the last 2 hours I've just been hauling these crates in. You told me to, remember?

Manager: Oh yeah. I thought that was Billy's job.

Y/N: Billy didn't show up today. Only Armzo and I did and since he has six arms and I don't he got stacking. He always gets stacking. We knew we were getting a big shipment today after that last guy bought the whole stock. Look at all these crates. That’s all metal in there. Look at how short I am. I could’ve used some help.

Manager: Uh huh. Look, y/n I really don't want to get into this right now. We have a customer.

Y/n looks to see Allan turn slightly revealing his presence. They mistook him for a load bearing pole painted red. 

Y/N: Oh, didn't see you there, man. My apologies.

Allen: Um yeah. I just needed some paper clips.

Y/N: Oh yeah yeah isle 7. Just over here. 

Manager: And Armzo, if you screw up again you're going BACK TO THE PSYCH WARD!!!!

Armzo starts quickly stacking cans in fear, the manager walks away before he turns back to a smiling Allan

Armzo: Thanks, man. Thanks for getting me in trouble, two armed piece of shit.

Allan: Sure thing. Hey goodbye spider. Goodbye. Keep stacking, keep stacking. Bye bye. Bye. Goodbye.

Armzo: [at the same time] Goodbye! Bye! Bye bye! Bye bye! Bye bye! I will, I will! Bye bye!

Armzo flips off Allan with three of his arms as he leaves to follow Y/N to the paper clip aisle. 

Armzo: Get outta here man.

One of the cans fall on Armzo's head

Armzo: WOAH-

All of the cans fall on and bury Armzo.

Y/n began leading Allen to isle 7.

Y/N: Look, man I'm real sorry about my outburst back there.

Allan: Oh, it's cool.

Y/N: Like I've just had a really rough morning but I'm trying to not project that onto people. You don't need to know about all that. Anyway, here's the paper clips.

Allan: No, I don't. Thanks for the paper clips though

Y/N: Yeah man. I can ring you up when you're ready

They turned to go to the register.

“Hey” said Allen getting y/n's attention. Now walking to the register with them, paper clips secured.

Y/N: Yeah?

Allan: (he looks to read their nametag) Y/N, you were much more helpful than that other guy with the arms. 

Y/N: Oh thanks, dude. Don't worry about Armzo, he's just been super irritable since the psych ward made him quit smoking. Called me a %$^#%$&@#&$^^$@^#^$@(!^&#%@@% yesterday so i put a dead fish in his locker. Anyway, that'll be $4.39, sir.

As Allan handed them the money their hands brushed a second longer than needed. 

Y/N: And 61 cents is your change. Would you like your receipt?

Allan: Sure.

Their hands brushed again as Allan was handed his receipt and his change. Static shocking them both.

Y/N: Have a nice day, sir.  

They waved off with a smile.

Allan: Yeah. You too. I guess I'll see you around.

Y/N: See ya around.

With that, Allen turned to leave with his paper clips. Upon closer inspection of the receipt, allen noticed y/n had written down their number.

______________________

Meanwhile in Crimeville, DJ Spit waited outside of the computer repair shop for Allen to walk out with the paper clips. After waiting a while he called up the landlord who hired him.

DJ Spit: (on the phone) Hey man, I don’t think this foo is coming, holmes. 

Landlord: WHAAAT?? But he should’ve been there by Now!!!!?

DJ Spit: Uhhh yeah man, no I don’t see him nowhere around. It’s already been like a couple hours. 

Landlord: OH Woah is me! Now who will I get who is cool enough to HANG out with me and smoke weed and fill out bellies with DIET soda and play Burnout Revenge for the PS2?!

DJ Spit: you got weed man? That’s cool I remeber playing PS2 with my primos after school. 

Landlord: Hey Dj Spit, Would you like to HANG out with me and smoke weed and fill out bellies with DIET soda and play Burnout Revenge for the PS2?!

DJ Spit: Would I still get paid, man? 

Landlord: Oh ABSOLUTELY!

DJ Spit: Oh fuck yeah man, I’ll be right over. My soundcloud about to pop the fuck off with this one. Hey ya want me to bring like beers or anything while I’m out. 

Landlord: No it’s cool. I’ve got the DIET soda. I just have to make a quick call to cancel the other stuff. I might still be able to get my DEPOSIT back. I guess what I really needed wasn’t a smiling friend but a friend who would make me smile. 

DJ Spit: Uh cool, so I’ll see you in like 15. 

Landlord: HEHEHEHe cool. See you in 15, PAL!

End

[fragmentating]

Honestly not much radicalized me in regards to bodily autonomy the way being a chronic selfharmer for 10+ years has. And one of those things that really are so awful to deal with is a lack of privacy.

When I go inpatient and they ask me if I have wounds, and I answer honestly, they dont just write that down. They make me undress and show each single one, otherwise I wont be "processed" and let into my room.

In the underage psych ward I was in they would sometimes search the rooms of known selfharmers while we were away at a therapy appointment, or seeing family in the visitation room, etc. They wouldn't tell you. They would lie about it if you asked about it. But all your shit had been moved around slightly, enough for observant people to notice. If they found blades, or any other sharp object regardless of it you had used it to selfharm though, you would obviously be punished.

One time I cut and went to the nurses for help, I was scared because it had never been that deep before and their response was tossing my room after I had voluntarily given them the two blades i had, while a male nurse kept saying how uncomfortable he was that he "had to" inspect my pads, saying "why would you need that many", ... they had metal detectors. They could've just swiped it across everything. But that wouldn't have been humiliating enough like seeing a nurse dig through my underwear and pads and diary.

Outside of the psych ward, my family kept up a similar approach. They did not search my room at least, knowing it was futile because there were always knifes in the house if I was desperate anyways, and a store down the street that sold razors. But locked doors were my mothers enemy. If I locked my door to masturbate, and she noticed it was locked? She would knock and yell until I opened it. If I simply wanted to relax in a bath but she decided it was suspiciously long ? The same.

When they couldn't catch me in the act but my scars kept getting more and more theyd threaten me with being hospitalized again.

When the hospital ER would send me to the closed ward for cuts that had nothing to do with suicidal ideation, but they decided I must be lying because it was deep enough, no matter how often I said I simply "messed up" because of adrenaline and blades that were sharper than expected. They had no legal ground to lock me up again but who cares, right. Its just one of those freaks who cuts themselves anyways.

And none of this kept me safe. None of this prevented me from cutting majority of the time. It made me distrust the ER. It made me distrust nurses. It made me hide my body even around my family. And when it did momentarily work I simply started harming myself in other ways. I ended up covered in bruises, with minor concussions, increasingly starving myself, depriving myself of sleep, ...

No one ever went "let's really try to figure out why you do this." Instead they went "why the fuck wont you just chew some bubble gum and roll a spikey ball on the soles of your feet you depressed fuck" or some shit like bro I am being severely traumatized by the world and this is my reaction. It's all "you are the problem".

And as an adult whos decided that I'm not interested in quitting, who "only" practices harm reduction I know that absolutely no one wants to accept that as a choice I should be allowed to make. Doesnt matter that I'm an expert at taking care of wounds and I have not had a single infection in 10+ years aside from once on wounds that got fucking stitched at the hospital. that I actively do my best to avoid lasting damage. That I try to keep the frequency low. They put me through years of surveillance and shame and threats without ever trying to see the root cause, only ever treat me as a bratty problem child who's being difficult just to fuck with them, and can not understand why that wouldn't make me want to stick to the goals they have set for me.

Therapists genuinely lose their mind when I tell them I don't want ~sobriety~ I just want to reduce harm and get on with my life. Their teachings do not allow for this to be but a short term compromise. I do not care.

[librarycards]

Hopefully this isn't too personal- do you have any advice for someone who is opposed to psych wards or conventional treatment but really needs help with anorexia and adderall use? I don't want to "recover" and I'm scared they will permanently revoke my prescription but my weight and medical issues and dependence on adderall to function have gotten pretty awful to live with. I've tried to reign it in by myself but if I decrease the adderall even a little, I get really depressed and immediately start binging and purging. How do I get medical help without getting trapped in treatment I don't want or losing legal access to a medication I take several times a day?

so, obviously, disclaimer that i do not know much about adderal, i'm not a pharmacist nor have i ever taken it. also, i dislike the language of treatment/professionalized ED management, but alas, i use some here for ease of communication.

i think that harm reduction + some "freestyle recovery" techniques could be helpful here. by "freestyle recovery," i'm referring to the ways in which disorderly eaters practice healing outside the frameworks of traditional "recovery"/in ways that deliberately disalign from carceral / normalizing techniques. these can be practiced toward one's personal definition of "health," or simply as ways of living on without recovering as such. of course, this is up to you!

the first step here is outlining your necessities. do you need to be on adderall? if so, put this in the "necessity" column. do you need, at this moment, to stay below a certain # in size, or calories, or something else? put that, too, in the necessity column. once you've outlined some of these, consider what it is possible to "push" on –– for example, if you're not eating structured meals at planned times, this might be something to try - it normalizes your body's expectations for hunger and fullness, and helps a lot of people manage and decrease b/p cycles. if scales are a big concern, consider asking someone you trust to take or hide your scale –– this is actually something i asked my parents to do as a teenager (they still do to this day). if depression is a b/p trigger, it's worth thinking about what kinds of activities help you manage your depression –– for some people, that's exercise; if exercise is triggering, what about just going out in the fresh air? for others, it's art or music; for others, it's low-pressure (and food-optional/-free) hangouts with friends. also, of course, things like adequate hydration, vitamin supplementation, and maintaining a consistent eating schedule (even if you binge later!) are important to making sure your body can continue to survive without serious medical intervention.

you might notice that a lot of these recommendations are community-based: this is deliberate. it's not possible to live meaningfully without living in-relation. further, if you're experiencing hardship/crisis, it's absolutely necessary that somebody else be there to shoulder the burden with you. do you have someone around you irl not in a position of power over you that you can talk to? someone you can call or visit if you feel the urge to restrict or b/p? i find that the ways i harm my bodymind spike massively when i'm isolated/feel like i can't open up to anyone around me. even if you spend time with someone and don't talk about health stuff at all (though i also HIGHLY recommend having a crisis plan - your friends need to know what to do if you have a major health crisis), having a social release valve is incredibly important. camaraderie, being (at its best) reciprocal and nonhierarchical, is the opposite of institutionalization.

ultimately, your goal is simple but difficult: avoiding institutional treatment while maintaining access to an essential medication. while you are under no obligation to "recover," you do need to accept that the way you're living now is likely unsustainable if you want to achieve the aforementioned goals; maintaining your freedom is possible, but it's going to be really fucking uncomfortable. this is why i've emphasized skills that broadly fall under categories of "distress tolerance" (ew) and "distraction" (ick) –– you can and should not accept that your freedom is conditional upon "good behavior," but you do need to accept that in order to stay alive, you sometimes have to do stuff with your body that sucks. this is a universal truth for disorderly eaters. we can't go cold-turkey on what messes with our heads. instead, be intentional about finding the right balance of discomfort and safety. you don't need to "overcome" it. instead, focus on organizing your needs & wants, and tap into your networks to see who might be able to support you in achieving them.

[moonsquaremars]

I've had an extremely turbulant emotional life, which I can attribute to many different astrological aspects + placements I have.

It's been strange coming to discover as I get older how much of my world is inside my head, though. How many times I've assumed something, had meltdowns, only to later find out 90% of it was in my own head.

Moon square mars, like my blog suggests. My other blog was sunsextilemoon, but after tumblr flagged my account for adult content, I figured it was best to start over so I could still have reach.

Moon square mars makes one passionate and headstrong. I read that it is similar to the relationship between Cancer and Aries. Cancer, the emotionally nurturing, sensitive, going head to head with the impulsive and self expressive Aries. Aries was always one of my least favorite signs. My sun is in cancer, and moon in virgo. I've always been surrounded by Saggitarius, that's my favorite sign. But I always saw aries as childish and insensitive. I had a roommate, coworker, and someone who has become a best friend who is an aries. So my aries prejudice has been tamed a bit.

I would attribute my intense anger problems to my moon square mars. I don't struggle with it so much anymore, but as a kid, if somebody accidentally hurt me, I would come back at them twice as hard. Like ruthless. I also constantly struggle, on a day to day basis, with this inner conflict between what I 'feel' like I need to do, vs what I want to do. I usually let want win. Sometimes I can get too lost in my feelings, I guess because of my 12th house sun.

Moon Square Pluto.

This aspect I think gets me in a lot of trouble. It's not intentional, of course. But I definitely feel the emotional block. I will be fine, things will be going alright, then out of nowhere, a wave will come and completely knock me off balance. I'll get so overwhelmed and almost hysterical. Sometimes just super moody. and then when it's over, I'm like, what the hell happened? there doesn't seem to be a concrete cause or trigger. It just happens. I'm 27 and it still just happens.

The 12th house placement I think is a blessing and a curse. I sense the strangest of things, and have spiritual gifts. but I've been to the psych ward more times than I can count, and my daddy a crackhead who is also a 12th house sun. I love him of course, but the 12th house energy is obvious. His house has a feeling of being a hut on a deserted island, yet it's in the middle of a subdivision surrounded by other houses. He just gives me tom hanks castaway vibes, even when he's surrounded by society.

I take various drugs and medications to help tame my turbulant emotions and achieve my goals. I do weed often, because it helps with my temper. I'm also extremely impatient. I feel like weed puts me in touch with my moon. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but when your moon squares your mars and your pluto, it can cause some problems.

I also have Sun Square Saturn, which quite honestly, is a PAINFUL placement.

I've had terrible, terrible, terrible depression for most of my life. Completely sucks the life out of me. Apparently saturn can deplete the energy of the sun, and I get depleted baby.

I went to a church service on time, and the preacher said something about "misery being a ship that needs to set sail, instead of being avoided" and that really healed me. I feel like I got so scared of my depression, my own mind and thoughts, I would run around manicly just doing WHATEVER I could so I would not feel that way anymore. I was so scared of it. But sometimes you just have to sit with yourself and your emotions, and grit your teeth.

In all I feel like my sun sextile my moon really saves me. It gives a balanced personality, since the ego and the emotional nature are in such harmony. It's funny because my dad, close friends, and boyfriends almost always have sun trine moon. My little sister also has sun sextile moon. If it weren't for this, I'd probably be much worse off...

[thschei]

I didn't post about it at the time bc I was in Such horrendous pain from periods and migraines

(TLDR the birth control I was on had switched manufacturers and it turned my mental health into the dictionary definition of "female hysteria", so to avoid checking myself into a psych ward I stopped taking it, and the au naturale amount of pain my uterus inflicted on me was So, So Much. At one point the sound of my own whimpering woke me up and I realized I'd been sobbing in my sleep, and my mom basically insisted that I take one of her painkillers. I didn't want to, as addiction runs in the family, and I had hallucinations, but I did get a couple hours of peace. My original intent making an appointment with my gyno was to just ask for a different pill, but at the appointment I was running on 2 hours of sleep and hedged my luck by asking for a hysterectomy, after having mostly given up after being told "no, I would not give you a hysterectomy unless you were in your 40's and already had kids" by every doctor I'd previously asked)

that I was living like a zombie, struggling to sleep and needing to use 2 heating pads for hours at a time, and could barely be on social media at all. But when my gynecologist agreed to give me ✨the long sought after hysterectomy✨ he apologized profusely and said that he couldn't do it laparoscopically (I assume he, being in his 60's or 70's and born and raised in this horrible little one-horse farm town, wasn't trained to use the machinery?) and that normally he would offer to refer me to a different doctor who Could do it laparoscopically, but he really didn't think any other gynecologist would agree to perform a hysterectomy on a 23 yr old. He said he'd try to make the incision scar as small as possible and below my bikini line, because he knew that a lot of patients became self-conscious of their scars.

My mom's reaction was like, the Miette copypasta. "You're going to CUT OPEN my BABY with COLD STEEL and LEAVE A SCAR?!"

(My mom is deathly afraid of surgery; it wasn't entirely her overprotectiveness that contributed to this reaction. She even really really loved this doctor because she used to work in the building across from his office, and they'd chat in the parking lot, so she'd spent years telling me I should try him. I was sitting there like, why are you getting cold feet about this now? 😭)

My reaction, though, was to say, "Oh, no no, I would love a scar! It'll be a reminder that I overcame all those years of pain that my body put me through! That's perfectly fine with me :) <3" . I Wanted to ask him to make the incision as big as it reasonably needed to be and on my stomach instead of my bikini line (so I could show it off to people . obvi . ), but I was already asking him to sterilize a 23 yr old, and I was pretty afraid that if I said too many weird things, that he might walk back his decision or decide I needed a psych eval before the surgery. I wanted that mf out of my body since I was 10, I didn't want to postpone the surgery or jeopardize my chances of this happening, so I was Trying to be Chill. Not an easy thing for me, you understand.

My mom was like, you can get a tattoo of a scar! You don't need actual abdominal surgery to achieve it!"

I was like yes I do <3 and signed the consent paperwork, had the necessary ultrasound and bloodwork and covid test to be cleared for surgery. And my scar has unfortunately faded a lot over the last 3 years, bc my doctor did keep his word of making the incision small (which was very very thoughtful of him, just like not what my bonked brain wanted) but it's still a little red in the center and the skin still feels raised across the line.

My main point in posting all this is that with top/bottom surgery, the scars are basically non-negotiable, compared to a hysterectomy having the option of being done through laparoscopy. I don't really think I want top or bottom surgery personally, but I like to think that all of us who get any type of gender-affirming surgery (which my hysterectomy partially was; it eliminated so much dysphoria. The pain was just the top reason I wanted it, and allowed me to avoid coming out as trans in my very conservative state/conservative small town within this terrible state) feel our surgery scars and feel happy and at peace from them <3 Love and peace on planet earth, etc.

(I did do a write up on my surgery a few days after I got out of the hospital that you could read if you want, but it's pretty TMI, like discussing catheters, bc I mainly wrote it for close friends who'd been worrying about me in the 4 days I wasn't really online from the pain, so read at your own risk. You can also see my face in it. I updated it a bit now to fix some pain-induced typos from 2021.)

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

do you think we should forgive people who havw hurt us? even if they aren't sorry or even aware of the hurt theyve caused? you dont hava to respond to this if you dont want to , but i am just thinking, is it actually wise to let specific people exist in my life , (a parent) when they are delusionally unaware of the lifelong damage theyve caused me (and will never understand), or anyone really. Is there a point in.. getting angry, when they oncr again show that they really dont know or care. Still, i enjoy talking to them. So im thinking that maybe forgiving would be better . but i feel like that way i might be gaslighting myself. Have you ever read anything on this?

there is a good book on this anon, "adult children of emotionally immature parents", u can read it online for free if u google the PDF. it is monumentally eye opening. other than that, i can speak from my own experience w/ my parents. i'll put it under readmore cus im bout to get a lil personal;

so, basically, i have one parent, my mom, because my dad has been dead for over 15 years. my parents were alcoholics who worked full time dead end jobs and we never had a close relationship, but i was closer to my dad. when he died, my mom absolutely lost her mind, like, maybe this is dramatic but i do pretty much consider myself an orphan because in 2006 i lost both of them. my mom chose booze, despite the fact that it made her act completely volatile and disturbed, she chose the liquor over me n my sister. my sister is an extrovert and she started spending All her time at other ppl's houses so i was constantly alone with my mom. the emotional abuse she dealt me after my dad's death i think are the wounds within me that truly can never be healed. worse than having to watch him die. my mother would berate me for everything i did, my appearance, the fact i was flunking school, my friends, and most of all, she would always remind me that i am a bad daughter who doesn't love her enough. once i started w the suicide attempts her abuse and guilt trips only got worse. i made a lot of reckless decisions just trying to get away from her. i still feel immeasuable guilt that she is my only living parent but i can't be her daughter. i havent seen her in 3 years..

now that the context is out of the way, here's how i feel about forgiveness: you HAVE to forgive. you have to. for your own sake. to free yourself. for me, when im so so belligerently angry at my mom, i imagine her as a child. i think of her childhood where she was born to a 16 y/o polish ww2 orphan girl and a 17 y/o fatherless boy who had already been thru several detention camps + was forced to join the navy to avoid jail time. i think of the stories she'd tell me from her childhood where she constantly moved from trailer park to trailer park, the caretaker of her 3 younger sisters while her parents worked, her dad often disappearing for months at a time w no explanation, her mother in and out of psych wards. she's always casually bringing up how her parents would beat her if the trailer wasn't spotless when they got home. she was mercilessly bullied at school for being poor so she's never had many friends. she never got any education and has worked retail/cashier positions her whole life. she had to watch her husband slowly waste away, then go right back to work so we could just barely afford to eat. i think of all these factors and it's so so easy to forgive her, despite it all. like if i could reach into her chest and grab her heart and pour all of the forgiveness inside of me into her body just so she could feel happy and light for one single day, i would do it. we are all so broken and forgiveness is the only way we can ever put things back together.

that being said anon...i still have an immensely hard time talking to her. every time we talk on the phone she immediately just starts dumping all of her problems onto me, like how she used to do when i was a kid and she was drunk. she refuses to acknowledge she could ever possibly benefit from therapy. she can't even begin to acknowlege the ways she hurt and abused me. she is deeply, deeply emotionally immature. when i talk to her it rly feels like im talking to a severely damaged child. our conversations are short. i dont tell her anything about my life, i never have. we'll never be close, i've accepted it. sometimes i have days where i'm so angry at her that im ready to send myself to the psych ward over it. but the damage is done, it cant be taken back, only moving forward. and at the end of the day, i forgive her. and i want her to be ok.

i'm not sure what's happened to you with your parent anon, but just know, you can forgive from afar, you don't have to keep engaging with them if they continuously harm you. i really really reccomend reading adult children of emotionally immature parents. its only like 200 pages and you'll fly through it. like i said, available for free as a pdf online. i wish you the best anon and im sorry you have to go thru this but you're not alone. #<333

[aspd-culture]

I really don't want to being this up with my therapist so I kinda wanted to vent here and ask you if this sounds like aspd.

Kinda a disclaimer I have Aspergers, ADHD and depression diagnosed as well as trauma from being hospitalised (psych ward) quite young also big ass trigger warning

The thing is I relate heavily to all if the symptoms like I can place them personally onto myself and things I do.

I've been a serial liar since I was child, ppl irl even now don't ken the the real me I've spun a web of lies ab myself, nothing of great grandeur, just to cover up the tracks of things I don't want ppl to know as well as I enjoy lying frankly

I have low empathy, i always kinda have done. I've never really felt that pain I just can't muster the energy to give a fuck, I really don't fucking care, like that's a you problem it doesn't concern me nor does it threaten me so I don't care.

I've never felt remorse for my actions I feel like if I harm someone, lie, or manipulate them they kinda deserve it and ik that they probably didn't but they hurt me or they hurt my image or my reputation so they have to pay, they have to know that I have that power over them.

I often get violent urges and thoughts, most of the time in the form of a day dream if sorts. TW but I really wanna beat someone into a pulp esp if they thought I was weak or they doubted me/angered me. I often ponder the question to myself that if I did kill or harm someone like that would I feel something or would I get a similar feeling to when I fantasize ab it, would it scar me for life? Would I realise I was wrong? I mostly do this to try ground myself as I've gotten in some rlly nasty fights before because it ended up being all I could think about.

I've broken the law many times either through selling, buying or doing drugs. Shoplifting and pickpocketing (haven't been caught yet ab any of these ones) as well as multiple charges of assault.

I lie to people I consider my friends about caring ab their problems or opinions and I can't keep friends for particularly long unless their drug buddies

However I think I can feel love in a romantic/sexual sense but I think most of my past relationships have been nothing but obsession mixed with the fact I like having someone who cares that much ab me and I like having a lot of sex. Like I need you to be mines, if they even mention they find another person attractive then i just want to fucking maim someone. You can only be mines until I get bored of you. Then as soon as I get bored all feelings towards them cease and I gotta fake that I'm upset.

I do a lot of things that are considered "morally bankrupt" according to my therapist but I always feel like I'm not a bad person, I just can't let people know I do bad person things.

Sorry for the vent

Alrighty gotta start this off with a real quick boundary about a term you used. Please do not use the term Asperger's when talking to me (ideally, not at all). It is a literal N*zi's name. I also hate the aspie supremacy aspect of it, but honestly that's not my main issue with it, my main issue is that term literally means "not disabled enough by their autism to be gassed so let's give them to our freakshow n*zi doctor so he can experiment on them until they die that way". Thanks. /nmay just frustrated by the use of the term. I know not everyone knows.

That said, I am still ok with answering the rest of the ask for you. I cannot diagnose you, and anything I say here is really just info I'd advise you to take to your therapist, not a way of avoiding talking to them about it.

One major part of ASPD that you didn't mention at all in your ask is disregard for safety/wellbeing of yourself; you just mentioned others. PwASPD not only have trouble avoiding putting others in danger, but themselves too. We tend to get ourselves into situations we can't easily get out of, start fights we know we can't win or haven't considered if we could win, etc.

Another big thing that I noticed in your ask is an egocentric way of thinking and speaking that is not super common in ASPD. Arrogance is an associated trait, but usually people I've talked to with ASPD have a more complicated relationship with the justification for the things they do (justifying to yourself to avoid responsibility is actually a symptom of ASPD) as well as with their self-esteem. That said, many of the symptoms you're talked about here definitely do seem to match up with some of the criteria...

I wonder if it's possible you relate to the symptoms of either just NPD or both ASPD and NPD? I am by no means an expert in NPD and I don't know you particularly well but just answering basing off of the wording of your ask and such I would advise you do research into that as well as ASPD. They can be comorbid. In fact, because the way that cluster b disorders develop are all relatively similar (trauma and failure to develop a secure attachment style), it's somewhat common to have more than one of them.

I hope this helps.

[thatonesystemig]

Vent abt my exes under the read more

Love the fact that i was gaslit and invalidated so much i feel guilty and second guess myself on if im making a bigger deal out of my trauma than it deserves

But then the flashbacks and random memories and nightmares hit me lmaoooo

Would be so yolo swag if i went one night without a fucking nightmare regarding my trauma or those assholes. They’re going to continue telling everyone how im spreading rumors when i go to friends for advice on how to cope and wont go into detail about what happened publicly because I don’t want attention and to not let them have that power over me

Mother fucker if i was really evil and spiteful id tell your whole family about what you two did. About the gaslighting, about the invalidating, about the yelling at me during breakdowns, about the constant arguing, about how unhappy i was and telling me i was gaining a shit ton of weight because i was “happy”, about the worse things you did that ill take to the grave other than the few people I’ve told so you don't hold power over me anymore and because you’ll tell all our friends im “lying” and “spreading rumors” out of spite when i have constant fucking nightmares about what you fucking did.

If i wanted to i could post it for the world to see. I could write a callout post. But I don’t because i still have some resemblance of love for you and i believe you can change. I believe you can do better. That’s all i fucking want. I don’t want you to do what you did to me to your current partner and hopefully im just a learning experience. I don’t tell people shit “out of spite” i went to my close friends about the shit YOU DID because i needed advice on how to cope. I needed a friend to listen because I had no one else. I couldn’t go to a fucking therapist besides in the psych ward. and then those friends went around and told you anyways.

And they believed you. Just like I did when you told me all the other girls that you did it to were just lying and jealous. Just like i did when my own fucking best friend told me you did it to her and i believed you over her and will FOREVER hate myself for not fucking listening and leaving your ass

Yeah, it’s no big deal. I was just diagnosed with CPTSD and went to the psych ward twice over the span of a year because what happened to me didn’t effect me and i told some close friends what the fuck you did just to “lie” and “be petty”

I only agreed with the shit y’all told me about me over reacting and it not being what it was because I didn’t want to fucking believe what you did to me because I LOVED YOU. I wanted to MARRY AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU. And then the memories kept hitting. Then the nightmares about that one fucking night kept happening over and over and over again to where I stay up for days at a time just to fucking avoid them.

And im just spreading rumors right???

I kept talking to you because every time i fucking blocked you they would message me about it. i was afraid of your ass. Why else would i put off hanging out with you. Why else hadn’t i seen you in months?????

I went into psychosis because of you from Jan-April. I felt so much guilt for feeling the way i did about everything, for the trauma i kept repressing and trying to tell myself it was no big deal like y’all fucking led me to believe. Then the voices got worse. I kept having hallucinations of suffering, burning, living in hell. I was told i was going to suffer until the day i die and beyond that because of everything that happened. Thank god they put me on meds to help with that shit in the psych ward or i would’ve killed myself. I know I said I would’ve killed myself a lot but what’s the point of living if all life is is just suffering.

I am still suffering but I’m too fucking strong and stubborn to die. I want to, but i wont because i have something to live for now. I have a family. I have a fiance, 4 step sons, a god daughter, roomies i consider sisters, and i can lean on all of them and they all fucking support me.

Funny thing? They don’t resent me for my mental health issues then take it out on me like y’all did. They actually fucking help and have compassion.

My fiance tells me every day how lucky he is to have me. He smothers me in kisses and helps me with my flashbacks. He holds me when i get triggered and doesn’t refuse to and make me suffer alone because “it’ll enable bad behavior” like you did as if i was some kind of dog that needed to be punished.

I’m loved for once. And with how much i loved you both, it’s hard for me to open up and be vulnerable with my current fiance because of what you two did. But now im actually happy other than the trauma y’all gave me. He gives me all the love y’all never did. Even when we were dating our third, he loved me equally and didn’t tell me shit like “oh, i love her more than you. but its okay, im working up to that point with you”. He wants me around and didn’t ignore me a majority of the time to spend it on the computer like one of y’all did.

We actually talk. We have conversations every day just about. And he doesn’t act annoyed with me wanted to talk to him like one of y’all did.

He doesn’t treat me like a burden, or stay with me out of obligation like y’all did.

And guess what!!!!!!! He doesn’t put me through “trust” tests because thats obviously a very fucking normal thing to do in a relationship because its 100% totally healthy to be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust. And yeah i totally don’t have did and im just faking it despite being diagnosed while you completely believe the other one who hasn’t been diagnosed because “he acts a certain way” and since I didn’t act exactly like him, i must not have it, right????? I must be making it all up for attention right????????????? I must be this horrible evil liar as if I didn’t HAVE to lie to you constantly because you would get constantly angry at me and trigger me RIGHT???????? If you didn’t believe me, why did you stay with me???? Oh yeah, you broke it off because I vented in my own discord server and you didn’t even read it and assume it was all about your ass and “if you cant come to us about everything, how do you think that will make us look?” Not to mention when I DID come to you about shit, you’d run me through ‘trust tests’, get mad at me for it, and all this shit. And you wondered why id rather vent to my server full of my friends who understood and loved me more than you ever fucking did.

Also remember that time i deleted my discord server because you started telling my friends “i hope you die” for not agreeing with you?? Yeah totally normal fucking behavior.

“Love is a promise” is just a fancy way of y’all telling me “love is an obligation and because I’ve been with you for so long im going to stay with you and put up with you despite the fact you can very obviously see how much we resent you because you can hear us talking shit about you”

Yeah

Anyways fuck y’all for what y’all did to me. I know y’all wont read, and hopefully y’all don’t because i really never want to talk to or interact with or have y’all in my life again because i avoid going out in public with the slightest chance of seeing y’all because ill have a breakdown and y’all would find joy in it and think its hilarious because im sure at this point y’all just want me to suffer. I’m pretty sure y’all wanted that while we were together too, otherwise y’all wouldn’t have yelled at me while having breakdowns and talked shit about me within earshot

But yeah, don’t worry about it, im just over reacting because im so mentally unwell :]

[butchwink]

okay tumblr heres the deal. im a real dipshit. a real idiot. i really didnt do this on purpose. i lost my keys to the bottom of my purse for about a week and got them replaced so i have a backup set now but i ended up in the psych ward the second time this ramadan and its so hard to observe ramadan in a goddamn psych ward they want you fasting when the suns down its absolutely insane how christian this "laique" private military hospital is. the fort i have to volunteer at again. monfort. they think im a doctor or something but i have a bs degree in philosphy is what i keep telling them

either way i lost my wallet on the bus going to cash a cheque that was a refund for fucking hockey equipment. i bought a helmet, a bunch of tape, and other gear in time to get to play this winter. the sticks i bought out of pocket i had to buy sticks again lol cause i got rid of them during a move at some point along with my mothers walking stick. i cant keep all your bullshit alive mom and dad. sorry.

so basically donations from the internet are no good and i need a brave asshole in or around ottawa to offer me tissues toilet paper and a pack of smokes. i have weed and idc im the queen of france and everyone is too scared to try anything against me. its the middle of the night and id rather bug tumblr than keep texting my best friend.

sorry im like this i swear i didnt lose the wallet on purpose. theres no money on the card theres small change and the guitar pick i used to make my only lp in high school. it sucks cause i had to rush it and produce it all on my own but its lost media now afaik. idk where my hard drive in is this mess.

i dont wanna put my shit out on bandcamp because i hate the culture of asking ten bucks to download ones music. i get it its only ten bucks but this money is quite precarious around my ass and i dont care about getting tied to a wage. sorry my time is worth more than a wage or a salary and im a communist. i dont want to be the bitch asking a toonie for more eps and lps if i ever go back to the god damn studio. i dont want to be the bitch screaming about labor conditions and space jam bullshit in ottawa. this place is cursed and im like the devil or something. the aliens dont want to tie us up to our own bullshit labor contracts. im sorry the $12 million contract from the aliens is just as bullshit dont take it lmao dont offer it either bozos.

the french owe friendship and solidarity to the anishinaabe and im deeply ashamed no ones been brave eough to play the devil king or queen of france at the end times and end the occupation in palestine already. jesus fucking christ youre all assholes here stop playing jesus all of you little martyrs everywhere anyday we couldve had this.

my problem is im friends with joan of arc and anne frank and my mom is journaling my life because she thinks shes doing me and anne franks crowd a favor by being a zionist. forreal my moms a canadian idiot and i kind of hope she killed herself in shame 15 years ago because oh my god i dont want to talk to her for a couple months again fuck off mom the old regent queen of france needs to go back to bed it isnt even six in the morning the birds are singing but its dark af outside i should eat something

zior park made me cave to kpop again go check out christian and ghost sound of the summer. i miss kpop sorry i had to avoid kpop forever hi christian idiots over on the south side stop playing jesus omg youre such communists anyway wake up bozos.

im like the devil or something. im gonna play fma to get my mom back on october 3rd because i didnt forget, tumblr. i didnt forget you guys. idc if i lose an arm or a leg at this point. my brothers safe in his shell already dont go bugging alexandre. "dont call my name alejandro" means dont blast alex too and lady gaga failed that one so im blasting her. my family couldnt shut up about being work acquaintances and sharing family stories with her? sorry i have to blast my family like this theyre all assholes who wanna find out what happened to my mom anyway. and whoever else died.

and idcc lemme live my life holy shit its so structurally impossible to be myself as an autistic trans woman and the funniest bitch on the planet year after year whats my problem? im an ottawa citizen and i have to live a human life as lucifer. lucina. whatever its lucy now. i liberated hell as a child. they taught me ego death as a fucking toddler. amos daragon escaping hell as a teenager and being anxious? thats really cute that was my last airbender shit before nickelodeon caught on to something really special.

go check out amos daragon and berskerk already. and awakening. i wanna bring back pokemon. the real shadow games. fuck yugioh lol

ive got the madoka wish to end suffering in my pocket and ive had it for a long time. i cant believe we lost lauren. she was my homura. im so sorry lauren. rest in peace. please dont try to stop me its okay. ily. no shit i thought i was sayaka all along im like that. ill throw my soul gem into traffic watch me. i hate saying that line so much especially in this town its worse than inshallah. thats trudeaus dad saying hell put security on every mp during the october crisis. enjoy 2024. i hope the leafs win the cup in four years so hell can freeze over already i miss my odrs!! bring back the canal for more than a few days at a time! please?? anyone!? wake up!

[killingmyself-s-l-o-w-l-y]

Maybe I'll just write all the things I wish I could tell her here. Since I'll probably never be able to.

Why am I privileged if you can get anything you want? You own so much clothes and shoes that you literally scam to get. You literally commit a crime to get free shoes. It's called fraud.

Do you look at all white people and think in your head that they're privileged? Just cuz their skin color. When did you start thinking that? Why do you think that? Does that apply to homeless white people? People who were more abused than you? Do you look at poc and categorize them into levels of oppressed and privileged? You're pretty light yourself. Does that mean you're not as oppressed as someone darker than you? Or does being mixed make you more oppressed?

No your son will never be looked at as mixed. Hate to break it to you. But your son looks 100% Asian. He'll only face Asian hate if that's what you believe. Racism isn't alive and well the way you think it is. Of course there are individual cases of discrimination.

Why is me not wanting to watch the news racist? Just cuz the things that are on the news are "poc issues", well that's what you think. That's not what I meant and you know it. I hate the news cuz it's depressing. Always have. I literally don't care what's on it. It's always negative. I'm not gonna subject myself to something that'll make me sad, anxious, angry. Unlike you, I actually enjoy happiness.

I'm privileged cuz I can avoid the news. Well, so can you. You're American. You can just as easily turn off your phone and go outside. And to say "you're 26 years old" like it'll mean anything. You are too. We are literally the same age. You're not somehow more mature than me cuz I have a different life than you. Cuz I have hobbies you deem childish. Cuz I enjoy life like a child cuz I like to believe the world maybe isn't all bad. Or cuz I present myself as more free-spirited. I really don't know what my age had to do with anything. I'm not gonna look up triggering media just to make you happy cuz you're an activist that demands everyone "educate themselves". I. Don't. Care. About. World. Events. If it's not affecting me in my household. If it's not affecting my income, my happiness, my home, I don't see why I should fill my brain with complete despair. And the fact that I came across a video of a 4 month old dying cuz you wanted me to "educate" myself, while my daughter was 4 month old and it had me sobbing. You sat there and TOLD ME THAT WAS GOOD?! You told me that triggering myself was a good thing, are you fucking kidding me?! And then you turn around later on and contact my MOTHER IN LAW to tell her you think I'm unstable and that I should be thrown into a psych ward. Wow. Just wow.

If you think I'm so unstable why would you actively promote that I put myself in a situation that would make me more unstable. Make it make sense.

Oh and BTW I TOLD you that I would be triggered and you still PUSHED. You pushed to the point that I relapsed on self harm after being clean for a little over a year. And then you again, turn around and tell me *I* fucked up. Are you fucking shitting me right now?! Like it's somehow my fault that YOU VIOLATED MY BOUNDARIES. JESUS.

that's what abusers do.

God, I can't believe I never noticed how abusive you are. You're so toxic. Like, I get it you're going through some shit but WOW. Literally inexcusable.

But let me continue. You owe not only me but my fiance, his friend, my mom, even my mother in law, money. You took SO MUCH. Thousands of fucking dollars. And you turn around and say no one ever does anything for you. Unbelievable. Fucking ungrateful. We helped you get out of debt, which you fell back into. We helped you get a car, which you hated. We helped you live at my house cuz your abusive mother kicked you out. While you were pregnant! Everytime I went out with you I paid for the fucking food. Same with my fiance. Cuz we wanted you to save your money. Cuz you always complain you have negative in the bank. But you refuse to get a job. Cuz you "hate healthcare" well no one if forcing you to work healthcare. There's plenty of other jobs that need to be worked. But you refuse. And you do "influencing" instead. Yeah, just cuz you get a few sponsors doesn't mean you'll make bank. Get another job and actually pay the people you owe back ffs.

You're lazy. And fat but we'll get into that.

You complain constantly about your weight and the comments you get about it. Well, stop binging. Stop emotionally eating. And if that means going to intensive therapy to work it out so be it. Oh BTW, see a fucking therapist you can afford. Or see 2. One that you like and one that your insurance covers. Ffs. Get some fucking help. You have so many issues and you're so miserable. Maybe you need medication. Get some fucking sleep. Drink water. Stop drinking so much coffee. Stop buying coffee also. You're wasting money. You have fancy expresso machines and shit. USE. IT.

God you live life so lavishly and you think IM PRIVILEGED?! Who gets to live at a literal home rent free? Not me! Yet you complain about all this useless worthless pathetic crap all the time but do nothing to change your circumstances. You whine that your partner is abusive but whenever I offered refuge it wasn't good enough. You complain that you don't want his mom to raise your child but you scroll on your phone instead of participating in raising him. You whine that you're fat but still eat junk and never exercise. You whine that you're tired but you never sleep. Get your life together.

It's crazy that you think I'm immature for keeping my distance after my best friend of more than half my life called me racist for not wanting to talk about politics. For not wanting to watch the news. Cuz it made me... uncomfortable. Cuz ya know, silence is violence. Even tho I didn't feel comfortable talking about an issue that I knew NOTHING about. Cuz I'm privileged for tuning out. For just trying to live my life. Yet you took every single thing I texted you as some sort of petty passive aggressive comment. I literally just wished you a happy Thanksgiving. There was no hidden jab to get at you. Didn't realize your criminal mother was finally facing the consequences of her actions. Oh and it's not ghosting cuz you didn't reach out either hunny.

You are so goddamn miserable you can't even realize that maybe the whole world isn't out to get you. Maybe I have my own life. With my own child. And a healthy relationship that you're clearly jealous of. There's so much I shouldve said when we were on that last phone call but you wouldn't let me talk. You SCREAMED at me. At the top of your lungs. And you laughed in a condescending way. You look down on me. You think I'm less than you. I can't believe that. Just, wow.

Not to mention you called me a few different names. Did I ever once call you a name? No. No I didn't. But I did call you what you are. A jew hating, white hating person. A liberal, leftist, sjw, activist.

The fact that the world doesn't know how fucked you've become is appalling. Of course the internet doesn't know how you really are irl. Or what you've become. You used to be nice. Compassionate, kind, understanding. But what happened? Did you sell your sold to the devil? Maybe it was college. A place where they brainwash weak minded people. You don't even realize how hypocritical you've become. It's sad really.

Oh and I forgot to mention how you belittled my eating disorder. How could I forget. Cuz you're so insecure about your weight being a fat person of course when my anorexic mouth spouts shit like "I'm fat" you took that personally. Like "if you're fat than what am I?" Bro. Are you serious right now?! My eating disorder has literally nothing to do with anyone else but myself. I don't care if others are fat. That's their prerogative. But me? I fucking hate how I look. It's called body dysmorphia, maybe you should look it up sometime.

Way to take something not even related to you and twist it to be about yourself. What's that called? Narcissistic? Bffr.

[timeoverload]

I'm disappointed but I guess I'm not surprised anymore. I kept trying to say something. I am putting myself out there even though you keep telling me I'm not. I felt like you were brushing me off. Why are you avoiding the conversation? I guess I don't know how to say the right things but I am trying my best. I tried to get you to come outside and talk to me. What am I doing wrong?

Sometimes it's hard for me to focus on a conversation when I have a needle in my arm and I'm overstimulated because there's so much going on. I can't help that I perceive the world differently than other people. I feel like my sensory issues have gotten worse as I've gotten older or maybe I'm just more self-aware now. I'm not sure how to fix that.

It seems like you are scared to commit to me or something. I feel like I'm getting lead on. Are you trying to get me to leave you alone? I talked about wanting to get married and having a family because you asked what I really wanted in life. Maybe you don't want the same things that I do. You implied that I needed to go out and meet someone else. Nothing I say matters or changes anything. I guess you have more fun without me around. You're too busy. Why do you read my blog if you don't want to be with me???

I was literally crying but I don't think you noticed because I was trying to hide it. It wasn't just because I was in pain. I'm actually still crying and I don't think I'm going to stop any time soon.

I don't know why I always spend hours getting ready. I'm also starved for physical affection and I am so miserable. I don't want anybody else. It really sucks that you had to tease me earlier and I got my hopes up. I think I would be in a better mood if I got a hug more than once every couple months too.

I don't know what I did to deserve this. Is this just going to keep going on for years? Is this what you want? I feel like I am just another customer to you and I'm getting the vibe that isn't going to change. Maybe none of this is real and I'm just fucking insane. Maybe it's time for me to get myself committed at the psych ward.

I can't remember the last time I was this upset. I feel like a fucking joke. I am a fool sometimes. Maybe I did something wrong to deserve all of this suffering. No one wants to be around me or spend time with me. I'm not going to hurt myself but sometimes I wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning. Sometimes I wonder if you would even bother showing up to my funeral if I died but maybe that would be the only time you would ever come to see me.

I was really looking forward to next weekend but now I'm not. I will spend most of it alone again. It sucks that you don't want to spend the holidays with me.

I'm sorry if I'm acting crazy right now but I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm obviously not in a good place right now mentally. I don't want to drag anyone down with my pessimism. I'm not trying to be dramatic but I need to express how I feel. I don't even remember the drive home. I hope I can calm down soon. I am going to focus on myself for a while. I want to be alone right now. Sorry for being a bitch. Of course I still love you but I don't feel like talking. It was still nice to see you even though it didn't end well. I'm going to shut up now.

I hope everybody else has a great weekend and a good thanksgiving...

[rroundtable]

gonna put this here because it is semi-applicable to system things, but also just because I don't want it on main but I would like to put it somewhere for me to remember and see.

dissecting brain and suicidality a little bit:

I am glad to have things that make me happy and excited and look forward to things, but the issue with all of this is that then I get scared to die.

which shouldnt be an issue! but it is because instead of that inspiring me to fix my situation, I just isolate and start taking away the good things from myself so that I can fall back into numb suicidality again.

I'm not really sure how to fix this. I should be wanting to fix my situation instead of removing good things so that i'm not afraid to die again, this shouldn't be what is happening ?? I think it's because death has always been there as an option for us, and good things are not stable or dependable (and are honestly quite rare), so the good things feel scary while death is familiar and "safe".

So I understand (maybe) why it's happening, but I don't really know how to fix that hmmm. I cannot bring this up with the counsellor we see because I have to avoid talking about suicidal ideation at all to prevent us from landing in the psych ward for a third time (which honestly wouldn't be such a bad idea except for the fact that our mother would be fucking furious with us for it), so I'm on my own on figuring out how to handle it - which isn't out of the norm anyways LMFAO can u imagine professional mental health help actually being helpful??? what a joke fdsjkl

[scentedchildnacho]

Uhm I don't appreciate being used for being a mercury in Scorpio......but after that severe of battery last night then sleep deprivation I can't reserve my emotions and told people how I felt.....I wasn't too bad to them and avoided swearing....I tried to just leave my body and not find life the better choice but it didn't work.....

The batterers were really infective and if in private screaming I was saying some possessed metallic voiced things but if around people fortunately

My comments remained therapeutic

I was like yea be around me privileged jogger and have nothing to do with me that's okay

I was like yea jogger get your vain narcissists leisure time in...be sure nobody sees you ever once be kind or do anything for anybody

Then this black chick tried to smile at me so I was like especially thanks to you for being the new face of state establishmentarianism yea get your cash and little rules yea thanks for just leaving me on the beach to get raped and killed yea black State yea creepy African

Yea unionism I don't think the union army was a state though The Islamic State wants you to kill of id law ignorance and extremely small thinking

Then some guy came out of a restaurant on the beach so I was like yea good job keep that bathroom locked up while using public resources for your clients yea cause extreme pain in urination yea cut off people's sensitivity to their lower extremities yea

Well that's how I feel....they only care about bad vag amputations so they don't have to be ass

I don't like clean or locked bathrooms the homosexual constant groups of guys sports is too threatening and I can't wait till they heroin and glutton them again and they sit around freely off cess pools

Then to people down at the water I was like yea.....thanks for not showing up till this morning thanks for turning yourselves into ultimate selfish narcissists and leaving me to die all night.....then finally showing up on your selfish rude disgusting irresponsible worthless workless time yea save yourself and leave me to die cause white crime to yourself yea

I am grateful I could have a psychiatrist obsessed with my behaviour but now there is lots of behaviour disgusting ness

They are all kind of nasty concrete asses......so now I don't have to be an obsession

I really really hate commute patterns in San Diego so if it couldn't stop wishing me just put down on vaccines and tranqs I really hope it all gets put down mostly

There so scary like riding their skateboards right at me it's relieving it finally breaks it's ass on the pavement for expecting my ass broke for it's job fees

William....I'm so scared of how German klan clean freak athlete of an area it is I don't care if they steal a black man to put his hyper active psychopaths down on their opiate

I would maybe help steal a negro if they could put the things down and force a low commute area

It's so terribly painful around the car freaks I have a psychopathy problem if their not yet called heroin freaks

Anyway that long haired blond guy at the library I found out is really on vain plan so he has femmes that have to hate themselves and keep him on smokes all the time...that's relieving he just came at me in the library to walk too near me so I like when his vain femmes Jack ass him around on second hand smoke

This I said to his femme thank you for just sitting there doing nothing and smoking in it's face

No I don't want a sedative those club me to death beaters on the beach would have kept hitting me if I didn't get up

Well I wouldn't take psych drugs and just go die so the Russian violence gets worse and worse and worse

I found out from my peak class that homeless people are a ward quantity so I do like own my disaggregate granular data like my weekly shower allowance etc

So I guess it's difficult to find a tower and pump out all my ground water if populations aren't forced in a vicinity and quickly extracted from

I have a micro amount poor Russians could live off so put in....tried to batter me with golf clubs to quickly extract

Muslim nations to Christians to force sharing instead of wealth it never cures disease

Well when you want to cure disease you can't tell people how long to wash their hands

And all the jerks that job to live better then the public they use refused to ever pump water continually through public pipes they want people to mostly use so it just looks like a reek bomb on an enemy

Muslims have weird scary stories and hallucinative beliefs and just sit there blocking people up and refusing to let people have enough in life to ever truly feel their heart start just fair Arizona and Pakistanis

If you won't pray enough you will be a tree

[icanonlybe-human]

Kay wait, one more random thought. I was drinking tonight and like every other time I’ve had something to drink, I tend to stop at 3 cans. My Mum says it’s good that I know my limits, but I have a couple of theories about why I tend to stop myself.

1. Because of my PTSD and anxiety and autism and adhd and who the fuck knows what else, I’m constantly in fight or flight mode. So my body notices when I get slightly tipsy and says “okay time to stop”. The reason I say this, is because the night of my works end of financial year party plus Christmas party, people said that they genuinely wouldn’t have known Id had anything to drink if it weren’t for the smell of alcohol on me. The truth is, when I’m with myself, yeah I get tipsy. I giggle a lot and do semi stupid stuff and my filter becomes non-existent… but as soon as my brain kicks back into gear, it’s like I hadn’t had a drop to drink all night. Fully aware, walking straight, not slurring, acting like my “usual self” according to others. But I think it’s because my natural way of being has been to be on edge for so long, that as soon as I don’t feel safe anymore, Im not tipsy or drunk with even a hint of having had alcohol. Which… is kind of depressing.

2. This one is kinda scary. I feel like a big part of me doesn’t want to dink or do drugs because I’m so close to psychosis and mania in normal circumstances that adding alcohol/drugs plus my meds just doesn’t seem like a good idea. AM, AB and my cousin KW have all offered me weed on multiple occasions. I know that at my age it’s normal to have tried that sort of drug. But I’ve also heard of people who were mentally unwell before drugs and then afterwards went into psychosis and ended up in a psych ward. Yes, people with depression and adhd tend to self medicate with drugs quite often. But I’m just the type of person that would have the chance of having drugs for the first time and tipping into the chasm I’ve been trying to avoid for years.

Ju and I were comparing a Never Have I Ever we saw on Facebook. She’s 30 ish years older than me and already I had done more on that list than she had. I don’t want to add psych ward to the list too. I understand they exist for a reason and they can really help people… but the public Australian psych wards are a mess that GPs, psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists will try to keep you out of at all costs. KW had a stay in one of them once, when I was really young. She still describes it as one of the worst experiences of her life and says she was worse coming out than going in.

She got in because of drug induced psychosis. So my paranoia of taking street drugs isn’t for nothing. There is a chance it runs in the family. And if I’m going to go into psychosis, I would prefer it to be because my brain is naturally fucked, not because I knowingly put something in my veins that I knew could damage me.

I’m naturally damaged enough, thank you very much.

[numetaljackass]

I have an eternal and possibly unrealistic fear that if friends/family/my workplace finds out how absolutely batshit fucking crazy I am, it’s over for me. Like, an irrational part of me genuinely feels like I belong in the psych ward permanently and that the only reason I’ve managed to avoid it is that irl I’m at least somewhat good at stuffing down my emotions and acting Normal or at least something that can pass as normal. 

But then there’s days like today when it’s like... just completely obvious to me that I’m not normal and I won’t ever be normal. Not from a mental illness standpoint and really not from any other standpoint either. I feel so completely disconnected from literally every other human being irl and I feel like someone that’s playing a role they weren’t given a script for. But I’m exhausted. And it’s like, how long can I actually do this for? The rest of my life? I wish that one day I’d wake up and something would click and I’d actually feel like a normal human being and feel like I belong literally anywhere, but that feels so unobtainable. 

And going back to the whole ‘not wanting to friends and family to find out how crazy I am’ it’s like, the thought of spewing these thoughts out to any friends directly? It’s sickening to me. Even the act of even being like ‘hey I feel really bad today’ is just. Bad. I’m notoriously Too Much (at least imo) a lot of the time and being too much in a negative way? I don’t want that at all, no matter how unfounded those feelings are. Because legit everyone in my life is amazing. I have awesome friends and most of the time my family it’s pretty good too. It’s almost like... idk, imposter syndrome, but for friendships/relationships in general? Like there’s no way anyone could actually like Me for Me. Because Mental Illness^TM me is so unappealing and so off putting that I feel like subjecting that part of me to someone directly is awful. And maybe that’s why I barely have any irl friends at this point, but who knows. It sure doesn’t help lessen the feeling that there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. 

Idk what I’m even trying to say here just. Today was bad. Today was bad and I’m having a rough time.