#my job has really helped improve my mental state lately

[ughgoaway]

Yes so many constant teacher reader thoughts! What about early dating when she's had a really hard week at school, maybe she's been staying behind for parents night or something and is absolutely exhausted. She's not replying to Matty as much or just giving him short ideas and him being Matty starts to worry that she's having second thoughts about their relationship

Omg people having thoughts about my au is so cool… and this is such a good thought. 

You and Matty have only recently started dating, maybe a month and a bit? And matty thinks it's been going perfectly, but he can't help but feel insecure about the relationship. He is so madly in love with you and has been for so long. He can't help but be nervous he's going to lose you. And he can't bear the thought because he's only just managed to get you. 

You reassure him when he asks that you want to be with him, that you were also pining over him for months, and that this is exactly what you wanted that whole time.

And Matty believes you, for the most part. But there's always that sneaking thought of “what if”. What if she hates me? What if she regrets this relationship? What if she thinks im wrong for her? What if this is all wrong?

////

it's been a stressful week at work. You have parent evening at the end of the week, which means it's lots of late nights preparing everything you're gonna say to each parent. It might seem easy to talk to parents about their kid's progress, but it's one of the worst parts of being a teacher.

It seems parents either think their child is an angel on earth or the spawn of Satan. You say one thing they can improve upon, and suddenly, a parent is jumping down your throat, “How could you? My little Amy is perfect!!” or they start scolding the child in front of you “You are useless! Why can't you just focus for 5 bloody minutes??” 

So you've been fucking exhausted all week, and you've cancelled on Matty twice. You had a date on Monday, but you saw the pile of work on your desk and messaged to reschedule for Wednesday.

Matty then didn't hear from you all of Tuesday or Wednesday, so was already nervous you were mad at him. But when you text to cancel on Wednesday? His heart fucking dropped.

You must be second-thinking this whole thing. Maybe you decided the risk to your job was too much, or maybe Matty isn't how you wanted him to be. 

But in an attempt to stop himself from spiralling too much, he texts George and details his worries. Of course, George simply calls him a twat and says “Trust me, she likes you. It's sickening being around the two of you for more than 10 minutes.”

Matty wants to tell George he and Charli are no better, but he leaves it for today and takes his friend's words at face value.

So he texts back saying it's fine and that he misses you. and each minute that passes by with no response is killing Matty slowly.

After 45 minutes of silence, you just reply “<3”, which doesn't exactly help Matty’s mental state. 

He texts you every day, and each day, your responses get shorter and shorter. Until it's Sunday, and he hasn't heard from you since Friday evening. 

It's then he decides you must be rethinking this, rethinking him. there is no reason why you would be ignoring him otherwise. And it fucking shatters him, he goes into break-up mode before any break-up even happens.

He drops Annie off at Hanns and stops at Tesco, grabbing ice cream, red wine, and tissues. He wants to feel like a girl in a shit romantic comedy, so he's gonna do just that. 

2 bottles of wine later, Matty thinks it's the perfect time to call you… despite it being 3 am. Needless to say, you don't answer. But Matty being Matty, he leaves a wine-drunk voicemail. 

“Heyyyyy y/n. It's Matty. Your boyfriend. I think… anyway, im just calling to say you can just dump me, you know? You don't have to be nice or anything. I won't turn Annie against you. But I don't think I could even if I wanted to, m’ pretty sure she likes you more than me already. But whatever… I've had a few bottles of wine and just thought I should call and tell you im fineeee. Totally fineeee. So yeah, if we’re over of whatever, you can let me know. Because im fine. Like so fine…. Okay, bye.”

And with that, he passes out on the sofa, spilling wine on his rug that he will be forced to scrub tomorrow.

///////

It's 7 a.m., and Matty's head is banging, so much so it sounds like someone is hammering on his door. Oh, wait. Someone is hammering on his door.

He stumbles off the sofa and catches a glance in the mirror, his eyes are hollowed, and heavy bags sit beneath them. Half his curls are flattened and stuck to his head, whereas the others are sticking on end like he had been electrocuted. 

“Ye-” he starts to speak as he opens the door, but you storm in talking before he can even get one word out. 

“BREAK UP WITH YOU? WHY WOULD I BREAK UP WITH YOU?” You stand in Matty’s front room with your hands on your hips. clearly, you had stormed straight over here from your flat, not even bothering to get out of your Halloween pyjamas (it is like May btw <3).

Matty rubs at his eyes and blinks a few times, “what?” he asks, coughing as he finishes because Jesus Christ, his throat feels like it's full of sandpaper. 

“...do you seriously not remember?” you shake your head at Matty with wide eyes, and he nervously shakes his head, and he swears he can almost see the steam coming out of your ears. 

“Matty. You called me at 3 in the morning telling me to dump you. Why the fuck would you think that? Why would I ever dump you?” your voice is softer now and you've come closer to Matty, and he can see any rage you might have had was never really anger.

It was fear. Pure fucking fear. 

“Oh.. that,” Matty says shyly, rubbing at his face and pulling it down. 

“Yup. that,” you say, crossing your arms over your chest.

“Okay, im so sorry about that,” Matty starts to explain, desperate to get you to understand his fucking crazy brain, “I had a few bottles of wine and my stupid anxiety took over. You hadn't really spoken to me this week, and you cancelled our date, so I convinced myself you were having second thoughts. And drunk Matty thought the best course of action was a long rambling voicemail reassuring you that you can dump me.”

You nod slowly, and Matty seemingly can't stop his word vomit, “And you can if you want to! But I really don't want you to. Like at all. Im actually kind of obsessed with you, if im honest” Matty steps closer to you and pulls you into his chest. 

Your arms remain limp at your sides for the first few seconds, and Matty wants to die. But just before he pulls away, your arms slip over his shoulders, and your fingers wind into his curls at the back of his neck.

You burrow your head in his neck, and Matty can feel you nodding, “Okay. That makes sense” he breathes a sigh of relief. Thank GOD you didn't dump him then and there. 

You snap back and look at him intensely before saying, “But just so you know, I was planning for parent's evening this whole week. That's why I was so quiet. And I would never break up with you just by ghosting you. And if im being totally honest, I would never break up with you in the first place. or ever, really."

Matty nods and can't help the smile that comes on his face, you don't want to break up with him. ever.

You snap your fingers in front of his face before he can get too happy, “Hey don't you start smiling. I’m still pissed off at you… but you are especially cute in the mornings, so I feel you’re trying to manipulate me into forgiving you... are you?”

“Well that depends, is it working?” he teases

“Maybe... Shut up.”

[subdee]

ADHD anon. Thank you for your answer. A lot of what you said was very relatable. I've also had periods of my life where the ADHD seems to improve without medication. Tasks that require me to be on my feet and with people seem to be what works. The ADHD gets worse when I'm using the computer regularly.

It's interesting that you recommend Thinking Fast and Slow. My dad gifted me this book with the earnest advice to read it and I never did. Maybe I should.

If you don't mind me asking one more thing: How does the ADHD affect your ability to care for a baby? I ask because my partner and I both have ADHD and kids might be a thing for us in the future.

My partner is capable of holding high ranking, highly demanding, specialized jobs. He operates on the same high and low energy states that you mentioned. He works so effectively when he's on adderall, but when he crashes it can turn into an emotional breakdown for him.

Neither of us are currently taking medication because the side effects are too disruptive to our lives. My partner recently quit his job due to mental health problems. I'm not too concerned about the financial end of this because his skills are in high demand, but I am worried about this intense emotional/energy cycle becoming a non-stop issue for his health. I also worry that he won't be able to help with childcare for this reason, even though he has an evident paternal instinct around kids and he was raised by a house husband.

I have a hope in the back of my mind that if we did have a baby, parental instinct would override the difficulties of ADHD. However, I suspect this is not something I can know for sure until it's too late to go back on the decision.

"Tasks that require me to be on my feet and with people" <- This is it exactly, yes, thank you. By this measure there are a lot of people with ADHD who manage by either creating or lucking into the right environment (shout-out to the self-help book Driven to Distraction that recommended, essentially, being a dude and marrying a woman who could attend to all the details for you lmao).

About the parent thing... We've only been parents for about four months now so I don't want to pass myself off as an expert. For me, I'm on the older side (late 30s) but I don't think I could have had children any younger than this. Children really require a lot of managerial and organizational skills, especially as they get older and you have to manage their schedules for them. I never had those skills when I was younger, but I was essentially forced to develop them at work because I'm in a position of responsibility where bad things will happen if I don't do my job properly.

And the other part of that is, not only did I have to learn the skills, but after a decade of teaching I **feel** skilled and valued at work, and also in my relationship with my spouse (we've been together seven years). All of that gave me the confidence to try having a kid....

I don't think everyone has to be as old as me, but I think it helps to FEEL settled, to feel that you'll figure it out even if it's tough. And then raising a kid is a big financial commitment and job protections for new parents in the US aren't great, lolsob, so even more than the ADHD I would say that being confident I wouldn't **lose my job** if I took six months off to care for a child was the biggest factor in feeling ready.

As far as whether you'll be able to manage caring for a baby while having ADHD... it really depends on your situation and what kind of support network you have... If there are grandparents or other extended family/friend in the picture to help out, or if you have the money for paid help, then you can relax a little bit.

I haven't found focusing on the baby to be any kind of problem, though, because, well, you have to do it. You know? There's no getting around the fact that baby needs you to feed and change and bathe and burp and hold and play with them and etc etc. They can't even fall asleep on their own without you (alas)!

So whether you feel able to do it or not you just have to do it, unless again you have that great support network. I don't know about you but I personally find that a lot of ADHD difficulties go away when it's something concrete I have to do, with clear consequences if I don't do it right now.

About your partner, I don't know your specific situation but I wouldn't have a kid with anyone I couldn't rely on to help out with the childcare. Of course we all have our breaking points and sometimes RJ needs downtime and sometimes I need downtime and neither of us is 100% all the time *especially on days like today when the baby has been waking up every hour all night long (and this has been going on for weeks (and I'm almost always the person getting up in the middle of the night))* But no way I personally could be the only person caring for Baby. I need my husband to occasionally be the person who gets up in the middle of the night so I can sleep, who occasionally plays with the baby so I can have the morning off, who occasionally feeds the baby because my back hurts, etc etc. I'm sure your guy is lovely but babies take a lot of time and energy.

That's my personal two cents, and you'd know better than I would how often you'll be able to count on your guy when you need him. Maybe a more traditional split with your guy making the money and you doing the childcare would work for you guys, it seems to work for some people. Maybe he'll step up when it's clutch time, some people perform better under pressure. Really it all depends. I couldn't be the woman in this relationship though, not under any circumstances:

https://botharetrue.substack.com/p/i-cannot-handle-my-sons-crying

Anyway. It depends on your baby too, and whether you grew up around children and know how to care for them (I didn't) or whether you'll be muddling through. Some babies are easier to care for than others. Ours is good-natured but he had stomach issues and now he has sleep issues. Also he's at the age when he craves stimulation and if we don't take him somewhere interesting at least once a day he gets cranky and indignant - he also needs tons of exercise every day like Michael Phelps or he can't settle enough to eat or sleep - ADHD probably to be honest.

One thing that no one tells you about babies but that helps in caring for them - they come with a learning curve. They are actually pretty easy to care for in the beginning and the difficulty increases gradually. So you do have some time to adjust.

[fruiteggsaladit]

Who she is to ME SPECIFICALLY.

Or,

Botan gets 10x times funnier if interpreted as being a 30-something-year-old

Link to tiktok user@johannes2o's "POV: our friend is an airport dad" video on tumblr: https://only-tiktoks.tumblr.com/post/713049563491155968 ; with screenshots of various comments: https://redead-red.tumblr.com/post/716343198278123521

Further thoughts:

.... Okay so I know three out of 4 of these circles are parental figures (technically only two of them are parental figures, the third one is a figure of speech) but I resent when a female character is assigned as the "mum" of the group when she's clearly, at most, if I have to use a failial term, an uncle.

The fact that in the manga she's told by Koenma not to tell Yusuke abt the egg potentially devouring him if he does or thinks something bad wasn't NEARLY utilised for its comical and dramatic worth that it had and this has scrambled my brains ever since. Yusuke thinks he just has to hang onto the egg, Botan however is fully aware of the truth of the test and is probably sweating bullets for him!

She's used to sending clients to their death not to help them improve as a person whose character growth will be acknowledged by the heavens - usually it's enough for the client to feel ready to move on but that isn't the case here! HE'S GONNA DIE FOR REALSIES AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW-- leading to Botan being Weirdly Invested and Pushy about Yusuke doing good deeds, which Yusuke finds weird at first bc she wasn't like this at the beginning? But he's also not smart or observant enough to assume that she knows something he doesn't. Misogyny win! (Headcanon: Yusuke thinks its feminist of him to know a woman can hit him just as badly as a man can. .... Yusuke oh my god.)

Which when I rewatched A Goofy Movie and we get to the principal yelling at Goofy about how Max is destined for the electric chair for staging a performance for the student body and ask Roxanne out, gave me perfect panicked Botan vibes.

"The electric chair...." (an extremely haunted expression on Goofy's face. He then picks up something that reminds him of the Goof family roadtrip and decides this is what will save Maxie from future legally sanctioned execution.)

There's also this one part in the Yukina arc where she, Kuwa, and Yusuke are trekking through a forest and she looks like she's the only one prepared for a trek, and she's the one pointing which way is the right one, gave me the headcanon that she camps and is wildlife-savvy and I got very attached to that.

Next, Mrs Bennet. Oh Mrs Bennet. Poor woman is stuck in a society that values men and realised a little too late that she and her husband should have made sure their girls could have an education and thus secure some work, sadly her husband is useless and she's the only one panicking about it; worse, her panic makes any potential suitors turn away from her daughters. Arguably even worse, it alienates her from her daughters, who also realise how dire things are, but don't appreciate her stress.

Have I mentioned my "Botan gets 10x times funnier if interpreted as a 30-something"?

Its canonically stated in the manga that her birthday and age are unknown, so really she could be billions of years old (Edltrich botan... YES) or she could be a baby ferrygirl/shinigami. She's never heard of Sensui until he shows up in the Chapter Black saga, who disappeared 10 years prior to reappearing. Which implies she entered this service 10 or less years ago.

I personally think it's the funniest if she's in her thirties and she'll still get swept up by the youthful energy of the kids and then repeatedly get mentally hit by the truck of "You're the adult here."

The miscommunication would be great! Yusuke has no idea why Botan is so invested in his good deeds first and now in him being the spirit detective - little does he know, she got invested bc she was literally told "if he doesn't do a good job, he'll get eaten by the monster he's made (that we gave him)", and she's having complicated feelings she doesn't want to address ever abt him being a 14-year-old with a life-debt to the afterlife bc they offered him the chance and never told him there were strings attached.

Meanwhile Botan doesn't know WHY he just can't listen to her or Koenma when that's the easy part!! Obedience is DEFINITELY the easy part!!! She's going above and beyond what was originally in her job description, he can too!! (Hello soul-crushing guilt she's locking away never to look at again. Hello shame that she was a part of this. Hello cowardice at the inability to own up to this!) Hence the yoda.

[chiropteracupola]

Is it too late to ask about wips? (Yes, yes, I'm greedy, I know!)

harold they're wet

cold cold take two

uh oh lads it's alan breck again

alan just happens so much

it's never too late to ask me about my wips!

'harold they're wet' is one of those ones that acquired a nonsensical just-to-divide-the-document title that has really nothing to do with the contents of the fic in the slightest, but I've kept the name around because of the silliness. and silliness is what's in what I've actually written as well so far, because it's just little scraps and bits of describing the weather and Keith and Ewen's reactions to it.

'cold cold cold' is sort of a rewrite of my previous Graçay fic, which I'm no longer entirely satisfied with. while there's a lot that I did there that I liked, I have some other angles that I'd like to get at and a rather darker take on Hornblower's mental state at that time that I've been sort of rotating gently around.

'uh oh lads it's alan breck again' - another semi-rewrite of a previous fic! my first fic for Alan and David was kind of a rushed job, and almost as soon as I'd finished it, I wanted to approach the same missing scene from a more in-depth viewpoint. so this is going to fill in the space where the book leaves off and that begins, and perhaps, depending on how things go, write over my previous attempt with a different take on their reconciliation.  also I think it does comes across that I was writing while sick, stressed, and awake at 4am in the first iteration, so I’m hoping to improve on that a little.

'alan just happens so much' is possibly my favorite of my fics for Kidnapped so far, despite the fact that I have very little idea of where it's going to go in the slightest. since we see a lot of David getting hurt and Alan having to help him through it in the book, I thought it might be fun to reverse that relationship for once and see how Alan reacts to receiving a more physical consequence for his constant brushes with danger!

(rather short, sadly, as none of these are all that realized at the moment) tasting platter of snippets under the readmore:

harold they're wet:

The air tasted of summer, the leftover smell of warm wet soil rising from the ground as it always did after a rain. A wind of delicate but slowly increasing intensity tickled at Ewen’s arms and tossed the ends of his still-wet hair, carrying with it the faint tang of river-water. By the gathering blue clouds in the distance, there would be thunderstorms in a matter of hours, but for the moment, the day was bright and glorious.

Bright it remained despite the first scattering of rain, the movement of the air almost tangible all around him. The sun-shower that had come up was warm enough that he felt the need to enjoy it as long as it lasted, relishing the feeling of the rain against his shoulders.

cold cold cold:

That was William Bush as he had always been — soft blue eyes and a too-loyal heart and a warm, hard hand reaching out to him. But he took that hand, that sturdy lifeline, and held it between his own as if it was the last thing holding him in the living world.

In that seemingly-interminable carriage journey, he had come to know Bush’s hands better than ever he had hoped in years of watching them at their work. Though the familiar tan had faded in those sunless weeks, they were still half callus and half scar, made worn by their capability and made capable by that same wear. Hornblower’s own hands were knobbly and ungainly, even more so in such direct comparison, but he gripped Bush’s hand as firmly as he felt was safe and allowed himself to be drawn closer.

Bush reached up and put his free hand to Hornblower’s mouth, gently brushing his thumb over the place where his lip was cut and swollen. Being forced down against the riverbed had left him considerably battered, the side of his face bruised and scraped where it had made far too familiar an acquaintance with a sharp rock, and though it did not now cause him much more than a dull and constant ache, he shied away from the touch all the same. He knew his own inadequacy as well as he knew anything at all, but to have it marked so pointedly by Bush was another sort of shame entirely; scowling, Hornblower turned his face away.

uh oh lads it's alan breck again:

At last he slipped into sleeping, for though their journeying had not weakened him as it had David, he still was greatly in need of rest. His shoulders slumped and his head dipped to rest against the side of the bed, but even so, his hand, the best help that he could yet offer, stayed firmly wrapped around that of his friend. Alan Breck was a gambling man in all things, for he borrowed and bet with his own life and others’ lives as easily as he spun cards and coins from one hand to the other. There was a flitting, frisking sort of madness that came over him oftener than otherwise, that kept him leaping, laughing, from one caper to the next. But whatever he’d made and so nearly broken with David was not something to be bargained away. Their friendship had not been forged to hold the dull shine of worn-down silver, but the bright strong gleam of tempered steel.

alan just happens so much:

“Dead!” said he, a flash of triumph shining across his face like a lightning-strike. But like the lightning it was gone within a blink, and as he tugged his sword free of his fallen opponent, Alan made a sharp sudden inward breath and fell forward. The sword-hilt slipped from his hand and clattered against the stones, and its master tumbled so that he lay nearly upon it, all in a mess of torn blue cloth and tarnished silver lace.

David rushed over to him, finding himself kneeling at his side almost at the same moment he was conscious of intending to do that very thing. Alan had fallen upon his face with his legs folded haphazardly beneath him, his feather-trimmed hat lying in the heather a few feet away. Even in falling, Alan had curled himself securely around the more major injuries, and as David put a hand on each of his shoulders and lifted him into a sitting position, he saw that his face was still all a-snarl with anger and pain.

“How are you hurt?” David asked, but as he drew back his hand, his question was answered. His palm was smeared across with blood, the same blood that was currently in the process of seeping its way through Alan’s coat-sleeve and down his arm.

Alan stared down at his hand, the fingers stilled but shining with blood, all of him eaten up by horror. Words came to him, but they were empty, a hollow shadow of their usual shine. This was not right — this should have been a victory to be crowed over, a new verse to the song of his own glory and his own strength, but it was no such thing. Instead, that strength already seemed to ebb from him and that glory was nothing but ash almost as soon as it had sprung to light.

“It’s no’ so bad as that,” he insisted, his voice unsteady.

[medicinemane]

I don't know what you are going through, or how hard you are fighting mentally, but maybe you should seek help rather than posting your impending suicide. Maybe, get off this website, or rather off the Internet in general. You are only making things worse for yourself, by continuing to be here. Seek help. You're saying it might not be a loss, but has anyone actually reached out to you before me? Get help. I'll be praying for you.

Man, I know you're trying to help, but I gotta say this is like the least helpful thing you can say

You know, I'm a big believer in therapy. You know why I'm not in it currently? Cause it's 50 miles to the nearest therapist. Finding someone that does remote appointments that medicaid covers is on my list of things to do, but it's not done yet

You know what I've been doing lately? Trying to get stuff fixed up around my house, improve my situation... much as I may feel awful I try not to stand still cause that's the only way I can change stuff

I'm not meaning to lay into you, but you have no idea how often I hear stuff like this and how much it doesn't help

Like just step back and look at with with me please. I am so isolated that I didn't even feel lockdowns at all, that was just another day for me. You're suggesting that I cut back on tumblr, which is 100% of where I get any socialization at all, when it's not like tumblr's making me miserable, things like isolation and money and the state of things that I'm trying to work on are what's making me miserable

You mean well, but you're making things worse

You know nothing about my situation, you know nothing about why I'm doing how I'm doing or what I'm trying to do about it, and you're trying to tell me to get help... you gonna help me get it? I'd love some, you got an option that doesn't involve 2 hours of travel time plus a tank of gas?

I'm telling you this cause you care, and I'm telling you that you're gonna go to help someone you really care about some day, and if this is the approach you take you're just gonna make things worse

I'm an open book, you can honestly get anything you want out of me. I can tell you most of why I feel like I feel... and listen, that's not your job, I know you've probably got a whole lot on your own plate and you're just trying to help someone you're seeing in passing... but that's not what you're doing

So I really don't mean to sound mean, but you just have no idea how many times I've gotten more or less this exact ask

Feel free to stop by and talk more, hell, if you want to talk about things going on in your life I'd be happy to listen... but this right here is exactly why I have a personal policy of never offering advice unless I'm willing to step in and help see it executed... exactly cause of stuff like this

Also bonus question, what impending suicide?

I've had my belt sitting next to my door and tested it multiple times over the past few months, and like... that's not a good sign, but the fact I've never made any kind of attempt says I'm unlikely to in the near future. Start worrying when I get my hands on a gun, but till then you let me worry about this and if it bothers check in with why I want to blow my brains out

The irony is that being here is one of the few things that's actually making me better. Other than having to see the occasional dumb take from a mutual (and god, news alone'll do way worse), people here are the closet I have to any kind of support system

So I invite you to talk with me more, I invite you to ask any question you want, I'm not mad, just so damn tired of getting stuff like this when... at what point will I be able to just exist in a space while being honest about how I'm feeling? Do I have to totally fix all my mental health solo before I'm worthy of getting any help, or at least some space to be left alone

Sorry for the long reply, but there's just a lot I have to say on this

Hope you have a nice day, stop by if you ever need anything

[lovemesomesurveys]

What states have you been to in the past year? I haven't left my state in the past year.

Have you ever sleepwalked? No, but I sleep talk. I apparently have some actual conversations and laugh a lot. lol. I also sometimes sleep eat if I have a bag of Reese's nearby.

What year was your house built? I have no idea.

Do you feel like you have more in common with men or with women? It really depends on the individual.

What’s your favorite superhero movie? I couldn't choose just one, I'll just say the Marvel movies.

Do you want children? Why/why not? >> I don't. because I don't. next >>>

Do you have any credit card debt? Unfortunately.

Have you ever been really late for work because you slept past your alarm? For school and other things, yeah. I've never had a job.

Are you good at reading people? I kinda think so.

Who do you go to for relationship advice? I haven't had to go to anyone for relationship advice in a very long time. I've had nothing going on in that department for quite some time.

What was your favorite way to spend a summer day as a kid? I love getting up to watch cartoons, eat, play Barbies, play outside.

What’s the longest you’ve worked without a day off? ---

Have you ever been scammed? Yes.

Do you know anyone who works in the tech industry in Silicon Valley? No.

Do you wear eyeliner? Yeah.

Did you ever take a personal finance class in school? Nope.

How’s your mental health? Are you feeling well?? Well, I'm on 3 different meds currently and wanting to see about upping the dosage on one of them. That being said, I feel they do help. Especially in comparison. Prior to taking them, I was just so sad and miserable everyday and crying or on the verge of crying all the time. Everything made me so irritable and frustrated. My patience was real thin. Since taking my meds, a lot of that has improved quite a bit. I almost feel numb to some things now. I'm not always crying or on the verge and some things don't bother me as much. That's not to say I'm not still a sad bitch. I still have my moments of irritability. I guess I'm able to move on quicker from some things or they don't bother me as much. Or thing that would have bothered me before might not now. Basically, it's not a magical cure but I feel it does help.

Did you have a Xanga page back in the pre-Myspace days? >> I did, and also the post-MySpace days>>>

Around what year did you start using the internet, anyways? It was around 1998/1999. That was when we got our first computer.

Do you have any uncommon interests or hobbies? ASMR, I guess.

What’s something that would make you incredibly happy right now? Being able to go on a nice long vacation.

What did you do for your 18th birthday? .i hung out with my family and my cousin and spent the day in one of my favorite cities.

What temperature do you keep your thermostat set at in the winter? I don't know, my dad handles that stuff.

Have you ever been to the Caribbean? No.

Have you ever fostered an animal? No.

What did you have for breakfast this morning? A feeding tube shake.

What’s your favorite form of exercise? None, ha.

Have you ever drank so much that you passed out? >> There was a time where parts of that night are fuzzy and I don't remember.

[erinpilolla]

How to Foster Creativity in Yourself

October 13, 2023

Erin Pilolla

The blank white screen, blinking cursor, and impending due dates stare back at me as if my computer was a mirror illuminating my stressed and anxious reflection. Often times my projects don't begin until after a great amount of mental prodding, encouragement, and enforcement, internally reassuring myself things will seem easier once I start them, usually proving myself correct.

You see, having chronic anxiety does not make it easy to express any idea, let alone one that could be experimental, personal, or show vulnerability. It can be easy to convince yourself that any direction you go could be considered wrong and will leave you feeling embarrassed, until you’ve stopped thinking about ideas for the project and started imagining your downfall.

That’s why I try very hard to remind myself an idea is just the start of something, ideas can be changed, revised, adjusted, and built on. Every great thing which has happened or been thought of has started out with just one simple idea, so it never hurts to put something down on the page and go from there. I like to imagine my creative process like a snowball rolling down a hill, requiring great force and moving slowly at first until it starts to move and gain traction, picking up more snow as it goes until it can’t be stopped.

In Twyla Tharp’s novel, "The Creative Habit", she discusses how her creative routines have helped shape her decades-long dance and choreography career which have taken her all across the world. Chapter 6, “scratching,” does a wonderful job of illustrating how full of inspiration the world around us is. You really can find a way to turn almost any interaction, object, or moment into artistic fuel. On page 98 she states, “Without the little ideas, there are no big ideas,” and this encouraged me to keep giving time and space to all the small ideas in my head, on the off chance they become something even more insightful than I first imagined.

Over time I have found certain situations inspire me when I am facing a blockage of creativity. Something about late nights, city lights, long drives, and new situations (people, places, experiences) always fill me with a sense of urgency, like there’s ideas all around me that I could grab onto and expand upon, ideas that could carry me away to other thoughts like bouquets of balloons in the sky.

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the novel "Eat, Pray, Love", reflected on some of her fears and other peoples’ fears that were being projected onto her of that novel being the greatest success of her writing career. She went on to explain how creativity can be seen as something you can tap into rather than what you are, and used the phrase “having a genius,” meaning that you can experience random, beautiful moments of creativity at any time in your life, describing the moment an idea strikes and how fleeting it can be.

In the career field I am in, marketing and communications, one might wonder how important it really is to harness creativity within myself and the teams that I lead. To someone wondering about that, I would argue that any career field can improve from forming habits that can help you find creative, innovative solutions to everyday problems.

One of the most important ideas discussed by "The Creative Habit", which Twyla Thorp preaches throughout each chapter, is that anybody can benefit from going on a journey to reignite their flame for discovery. Through hard work and by building new routines, it is possible for anybody to start to feel that passion again, or for the very first time.

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Sources:

Tharp, T. (2003). The Creative Habit. Simon and Schuster.

Elizabeth Gilbert. (2009). Your Elusive Creative Genius (Speech Recording). TED Conferences.

[lets-talk-spirituality]

I have been feeling very stagnant lately. I have sprints of motivation and productivity for like a week and then fall back into this almost depressive state, where I am eating unhealthy, not working out, not going out, I don’t get whys that :( I want to fight it with all my might but it’s almost like my body gets tired so quickly of an active lifestyle and needs rest time that then ends up in a whole lazy era. I’m too young to be living like this. Is there anything I can do spiritually wise to improve?

Are you experiencing burn out? Did you push yourself too hard for too long? You could also be overstimulated. That’s what happened to me. I burnt right out. I spent most of my young twenties working multiple jobs at a time, gig working, and going to school and when 2021 finally came around I crashed. I’d been going hard like that for about four years. It literally destroyed my mental health. I’m okay now but it has taken a few years to recover enough to have energy, and part of that is me moving to Hawai’i and starting antidepressants. Which I say because I had to make some serious life changes to be able to recover.

I think instead of seeing yourself as lazy or as something that needs to work harder, try having compassion with yourself, show your body gratitude for all it does to keep you alive. Talk to your body and ask it why it’s so tired. And be open to listening. You may need more rest than other people, that’s okay. We are all experiencing a ton of collective trauma over and over and it’s exhausting. Everything is really hard for a lot of people right now. Have some compassion with all the things around you that might be exhausting you, like the news and money and politics. I call them back burner stress because they are things that weigh on your conscience even if you aren’t always thinking of it actively. Stuff like debt causes chronic stress for so many.

Maybe try to disconnect from a lot of stuff while you rest. Try to just go outside and lay down and do nothing, if your body is saying rest, pushing yourself is only gonna over extend you. Ask people for help if you need it. I would call my mom sometimes because I was so burnt out I just needed her to wade through my thoughts and tell me what to do, give me permission to figure it out later. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. We aren’t always in summer. Allow yourself to have a winter and hibernate, allow yourself to rest so you can come back stronger.

[leviiackrman]

Just when you thought your life couldn’t get any worse…

[nitw]

would you like an excuse to nitw post i for the life of me canNOT understand the PLOT OF THIS GAME

that's fair! nitw's core story is intentionally vague and non-direct so i don't blame people for not immediately getting it. i'll talk abt it as quickly as possible bc i just woke up lol

the 3 major themes of nitw i feel are dealing with mental illness as a young adult, existentialism, and how capitalism takes lives in different ways.

while mae's official diagnosis is never revealed, the way she describes her experience at college is easily identifiable if you've ever been through a long-term depressive episode in your adult years. the thing about depressive episodes and other forms of mental breakdowns is that they aren't always rational. in mae's case, while a lot of it seems to stem from peer pressure and rushing into something she wasn't prepared for, she's not really able to grasp what's wrong with her or why everything is going wrong until it's already too late. i always really liked the whole "shapes" allegory when she talks about dissociation; how the world just started blending together one day, from things that used to make sense and have a meaning and an identity attached to them, into random shapes and colors that didn't mean anything.

now, the existentialist and anti-capitalist elements in this game might be harder to see if you don't know youre looking for them, because this is where the whole supernatural/demonic cult thing comes in. it also doesn't help that nitw's full story can't be experienced in just 1 playthrough, since some of the context is locked behind events, hidden locations and specific dialogue choices. i'll try to summarize lt:

BASICALLY: in the game's lore, there's an all-powerful demonic being called "the black goat". it lives down at the far bottom of a hole in the ground, discovered by local miners many years before the game takes place. it's supposedly the cause of sinkholes, floods and other natural disasters around town, as well as the shitty state of the job market and people being forced to leave their homes. certain people (including mae) have "heard it singing" and have been inevitably gravitating towards it.

during an especially tough period for possum springs' working class, the town's old mining community formed a sort of cult around the black goat, after discovering that it LITERALLY feeds on human sacrifices. though the cult made it a rule to only sacrifice people who "wouldn't be missed" or "wouldn't contribute anything important to the town".

this is all a huge metaphor for late stage capitalism, as an endless cycling of people suffering and dying for the sake of maintaining "order" in society, and how you can't improve on these conditions without getting to and destroying the (literal, in the game's case) core of the problem. and that might be a task too big for any person.

near the end of the game, mae has this big monologue moment where she directly confronts the black goat, and in turn, confronts herself and her own issues. she basically goes "yeah, this whole situation sucks and maybe nothing we do will ever contribute to anything on the grand scheme. but that's why i need to hold onto even the smallest things that give my life meaning, even if they're sad, even if they hurt." it's one of my favorite scenes in the whole game, and really ties everything together in a neat little bow.

TLDR; at the end of everything, hold onto anything

[wasbangtanhome]

late, late, late | KSJ

banner made by bangtanhome! (me)

Summary: Is he late? Yes. Were you mad? Yes. Was it a special day? Yes, yes, yes! You had everything prepared and you just wanted your boyfriend to come home. Now.

Pairing: Office worker!Kim Seokjin x F(Reader) | also kind of dom!Jin

Warning: 18+. Smut in the form of: pwp, provocative dress, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it hehe), oral sex (M receiving), fingering, use of the word "slut", cumming inside, impact play (ass and pussy). also he used the L word.

Word Count: 4.4k

Author's note: Short and sweet to start off my journey here on tumblr!! I hope you enjoy it and to please please let me know about any improvements. I worked really hard on it! Also my first smut fic! Also, also, there are not a lot of pet names ever since I saw the post about what Namjoon, Jungkook, Jimin, and Jin would call their lover. I got super sappy.

From the kitchen window, you have a clear view of the entrance leading to your apartment that you share with your boyfriend. The sun has set and it's well past dinner time but you have yet to see his face walking up the steps, blowing a kiss at your general direction.

You chew the inside of your cheek. He's late, you thought, peering out the window for the nth time while drying the dishes. You can't help but worry. Seokjin usually calls if he picked up an extra shift, but your phone has yet to move.

Today marks a year of the two of you living together. The year hasn't treated you kindly. A while back, your company had some budget cuts. Your department was abolished and unlike the lucky coworkers that were transferred, you were a part of the handful that received severance pay.

You figured going back to work would be easy, especially with your qualifications. However, you have yet to get a call from any of the places you applied to. With you unable to work, you spend your days maintaining the apartment. Your boyfriend, his smile ever present, told you he would just have to take more shifts.

‘You know, ______, housework is really hard to do,’ he remarked. ‘Besides, I make more than enough money to support us both.’

You smiled at your boyfriend then. It was true, there wasn’t really a need for you to go to work. You eased up on your stress over not finding work and dutifully cleaned the apartment.

You trudged your way to the entrance of the apartment. Head resting on the front door before unlocking it with your key. Seokjin was drinking tea by the window sill, looking as ethereal as ever. He noticed you had entered the apartment, smiling lovingly at you.

Before he had a chance to say hello, you broke the news about what happened during work. Instantly, your boyfriend came towards you, his smile faltering as he saw the state you were in. The fatigue in your bones left you slumped on the ground.

Seokjin did not say a word, opted to close and lock the door behind you before sinking to his knees to meet you at eye level.

‘Hey,’ he murmured softly. ‘It’s going to be okay.’

He nudged your shoulder and you fell to his embrace. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. You whimper softly as you seize his dress shirt, hot tears falling on his dress shirt, turning the color a shade darker than it was. Your knuckles turned white as your chest rose and fell rapidly, ragged breathing moaning the loss. And yet, your Seokjin rubbed circles on your back soothingly, hugging you tightly, not saying a word.

‘Sorry,’ you remembered mumbling as the coil in your stomach loosened.

‘Don’t be sorry, _____, there’s no reason for you too,’ he whispered back.

Silence fell before he piped up. ‘What do you call a bike that can’t stand on its own?’ he waggled his eyebrows when you looked at him, confused at what he’s saying. It took you a good moment to know that he was joking.

‘Two-tired!’ he exclaimed, laughing at his own joke. You smiled at your lover and before long, laughed along with him; his joy infecting your sadness.

He took out his handkerchief, wiping the streaks of tears away and giving it to you. At his gesture, you snickered before dissolving once more into tears. He had fretted then, worried that he had done something wrong.

‘I’m so lucky,’ you mumbled in tears. ‘Lucky to have you as my boyfriend, Kim Seokjin.’

He smiled softly at your comment, proceeded to pull you in his lap. ‘So, what do you want to do now?’

‘Easy,’ you sniffled, plastering a smile on your face. ‘We order fried chicken and drink!’

Seokjin had looked at you funny, surprised to hear you crave alcohol. Your smile was infectious and he ruffled your hair to agree. ‘That’s my girl!’ he exclaimed. ‘Let’s find you an even better paying job, okay?’

He was so enthusiastic, making the tragedy that happened to you that day seem so… trivial. You got drunk that night, your body not used to the alcohol.

You smile softly at the memory that happened after, your boyfriend’s hair stuck to his face, panting heavily as you came all over him. You try to push the memory away, focusing instead on your task at hand, but the damage was done- you're wet.

You chew on your bottom lip, hands traveling lower, touching your folds.

I’ll just start without him.Something nagged at your brain, and as your fingers sought out your clit, you realize how unsatisfying it would be without your boyfriend coaxing orgasm after orgasm from you.

You moan, anticipation and desperation threatening to consume you. Distracting yourself, you went through your mental checklist again. Skimpy apron? Check. Food? It’s cold because it’s been in the fridge, but check. The line that you’ve been practicing for the past few months to win over your boyfriend? Check, check, and check.

You glance again and the parking lot was empty now, its residents taking space in their respective homes. No sign of Seokjin.

You huff, grabbing your phone and pressing the on power roughly, almost causing it to clatter on the ground. Almost. Your screen flickers on and you see an image of him smiling back at you. You stuck your tongue out at his face, and punched a string of numbers you know by heart.

The line rang for a long time. You were about to let it go to voicemail. At the last second, you hear a tired voice answer you.

“Darling?” Seokjin’s voice was gruff and sleepy. You can make a mental image of him running a hand through his hair. He sounded distracted, probably looking at his spreadsheets as the numbers start to blur together.

"Hi," you try cheerfully, clearing your throat, hoping he can’t hear the anticipation across the phone. You cradle the device between your ear and your shoulder before brushing lint from your apron. "Are you coming home soon?"

Seokjin looked at his watch, knowing something was clearly bothering you. Looking at the time, he scrambled to his feet: 19:32.

"Wh-Wha--?" came the stunned response. You hear Seokjin push his chair back and the familiar beep of his computer turning off. You laugh quietly as you hear doors slam and his voice echoing in the staircase.

"Oh, _____, I'm so sorry. I had no idea what time it was," he pants, high on adrenaline trying to get home as soon as possible.

"I'm so sorry, ______. I'll be home soon. You can start eating without me, okay?"

You feel a grin paint your face, relief that he was at work. "I'm okay! You must be hungry, love. Just glad you're finally coming home. I can't wait to see you. Drive safe!" you exclaim hurriedly, knowing he won’t want to call when he’s driving.

He murmured a confirmation and you ended the call. Seokjin may be late but there’s still cause for celebration. Settling the butterflies in your stomach, you open the fridge door to take out the food you had prepared earlier, heating them up.

You finally see a familiar figure run from his parking space. His dress shirt untucked and he stopped for only a moment to blow a kiss towards you. His hair clung to his scalp, his tie was loose, and his eyes shining with adoration. You waved back quickly before seeing him disappear into the building.

Seokjin expected you to be angry, ready to apologize for coming home so late. At the very least, he expected a hug, you seemed happy enough, asking how his day was in the office. What he didn’t expect was you in an apron… wearing nothing else. His eyes roamed your body, stunned at the lack of clothes, briefcase dropping heavily on the floor.

"Are you going to close the door?" he heard you ask.

Never taking his eyes off of you, he closed and locked the door, sliding out of his work shoes. Like a deer caught in headlights, you can’t help but wonder what would happen if you approached him.

You hear him gasp as you get closer, his face incredulous. You pressed your chest towards his, relishing in his ears turning red.

"Now,” you smirk and grab a hold of his tie. “Would you like to start with dinner,"-- you croon as you fling it behind you.

"-a bath,” you say seductively as you open the first couple of buttons of his dress shirt. “-or me?" you finish, dress shirt completely unbuttoned as you watch his delicious figure.

You don't often see your boyfriend at a loss for words. But this... this was something else. Seokjin opened and closed his mouth, blinking rapidly. You hid your smile behind closed lips, enjoying the fact you’re making him squirm.

"What did you make for dinner?" he stammered, forcing a chuckle.

You waved at the table. "The works, japchae, fried chicken, corn, kimchi… You know, our favourites."

"Huh..." he managed, swallowing. Seokjin knew how hungry he was when he left the office, but he couldn't seem to focus on the steaming delicacies on the table. He turned his gaze back to you, slowly closing the distance between your lips.

"Good answer," you murmur.

"Didn't know it was a test," he whispered, dipping his head back down, claiming your soft lips once more.

You smiled into the kiss, content that he was finally home. His hands stopped trembling as it snaked lower. One hand circled your waist, the other trailing soft circles on your back. You shivered at his delicate touch, arching your back into his hand to feel more.

Seokjin seemed to understand your signal and lifted you up, making your way through the living room to reach your bed. Once you landed with a soft plop, he continued the kiss. Heat was rising to his cheeks as he fully shrugged his dress shirt off, returning shortly to connect his lips to yours.

"Jin, I can't see... it's too dark in here," you whined, feeling your skin burn where he touched your body.

You did not receive an immediate response from your beloved, only hearing the thud of a belt on the floor and you hoped his pants came off with it.

"I think it's the perfect amount of light to make you squirm," he whispers. You feel the mattress sink with his weight and the heated kiss resumes, your hands flying to tug at his hair with urgency. You start to feel feverish from the kiss, trying desperately to connect your hips to something so you can feel the first waves of pleasure. You’ve been waiting for such a long time.

He smiles at your impatience and starts tweaking your clothed nipple. "Off..." you whined, wanting the apron gone.

Seokjin slipped the shoulder straps down. You arch your back and he untied the ribbon holding everything together easily. He threw it over his shoulder and finally, his large palms directly touched your tits. He sucked on a nipple while his hands were busy, roaming every inch of your body. You moaned underneath him, thrusting your chest upwards to give him more access.

"Mmm..." you sigh as his hand travelled south and pressed onto your clit.

"You're so wet already," he released your nipple, chuckling darkly. "Have you been waiting all day? Did you want to be fucked that badly?"

You winced at his words. He continued circling your clit, waiting patiently for your answer. "Well?"

"Yes, darling," you pant out. "I have been waiting all day for you! Ah- and you were late," you whined pathetically.

He chuckled again, muttering apologies under his breath while he continues to play with your clit, your nipple back in his mouth. You knew you were going to get a real apology after you're done, but this was enough.

You felt his finger enter your pussy, testing out to see how tight you were. Your eyelids fluttered shut as he added another finger, eliciting a moan from you.

"Yeah? You like that?" came the breathy response.

Your head spun as he curled his fingers at the sensitive bundle of nerves. His thumb pressed and circled on your clit, his pace getting faster and his thrusts getting deeper.

"Jin, I'm close," you squeak out, squirming at his unrelenting force. Your high was right there, waiting for your undoing. But your boyfriend had other plans and his thrusts stopped completely before you came.

You whined, your hands tugging at his hair dangerously. Frustration swept overr your face as it turned even more crimson than his ears. "J-Jin..." you grumble weakly, catching your breath. Your cunt squeezed at nothing when he removed his fingers completely.

"Wanted to feel you cum on my dick," was his simple response.

In the fog of your pleasure, you weren't aware of his veiny cock rapidly growing harder, tip already leaking precum. You stared, dazed as he pumped his length. You also had other plans when you moved to the floor.

You licked a stripe down from the tip to the base, earning a hiss from your boyfriend. His eyes fluttering shut when you look up, his cock slowly disappearing into your mouth.

You suck lightly at first, taking care that your teeth don't make contact with his sensitive member and begin bobbing to a rhythm. He groaned as you stuffed your mouth with his cock, hands grabbing fistfuls of your hair.

"Ah- ________, ah-, can I move?" he huffed out, unable to form sentences without groans.

You moaned to signal your affirmation and he used your hair as leverage to pull you closer to the base. You struggled and gagged, feeling so fucking full. You whimper as he held you there, his head falling back with a groan.

Seokjin snapped his hips, thrusting deeper into your throat. The sensation made you moan, tears blurring your vision. He picked up the pace when he saw you, loves the view of you struggling with his cock in your mouth.

He loved to ruin you, would never admit that out loud, but seeing his lover whimper and sob because he was too big made him moan. Seokjin was holding your head in place, letting his hips do all the work. You groaned out, the vibrations on his cock almost sent him over the edge.

You knew he was close. In ragged breaths, he was saying how beautiful you were, how well you were taking his cock, how amazing you felt, and all the sweet nothings you often hear. However, when his thrusts turned messy, an indication that he was close, you shifted backwards and his beautiful cock fell out of your mouth.

"Fuck!" he cursed loudly, careening forward. He held your head in place for balance, not wanting to fall, worried he hurt you somehow. However, he was greeted with a teasing grin. "Payback, love," was all you said smugly.

You knew you shouldn’t have pushed his buttons that way. But you couldn't help it, knowing the wonderful outcome that awaits you.

He growled, anger flaring with every second that passed since you denied his release. "Bed. Now,” he muttered under his breath. You obliged at his command, though you did it slowly, never taking your eyes of him

This side of Seokjin rarely comes out to play. He was always worried he'd hurt you.

‘Yeah, that's the point,’ you snorted, recalling the memory of explaining what you wanted like he was 5.

Even still, this was a welcomed surprise. You made a mental note of how you pushed his buttons that day, hoping to recreate it in future events.

You were about to sit on the bed when you turned around, climbing on all fours instead, excited about what he would do to you.

“That’s not what I asked you to do, slut” he chuckled, waiting for you to get settled. You teased your ass, moving it closer towards his dick before pulling back.

You didn't anticipate the first slap, the sound of his palm hitting your skin filling the room. You moaned, wiggling your ass towards his face, eyes shining bright with lust.

"Ah- you like being spanked, huh?” Seokjin said, scratching his chin. “Who knew you'd this much of a slut."

You moaned at the word, loving when he said such mean things to you. Your knees buckled when the next smack wasn’t on your ass. He clicked his tongue as he watched your juices flow out from having your cunt smacked. Seokjin reached gingerly towards your clit, teasing it to ease the pain.

"Oh?" he said simply before smacking you again, this time back at your ass. He alternated between slapping your ass and your sopping cunt, the uncertainty of where the next pain would land causing you to see stars.

You whimpered and whined underneath him. Fully lying on your stomach, your ass no longer in the air. You held a pillow, moaning into it, praying the neighbors wouldn't complain about the noise. "J-Jin... please fuck me."

"Huh, I didn’t know this one could beg," he chuckled. The thought of him being with another slut left a twinge in your chest, but that jealousy subsided when he slapped you hard this time, snapping your mind from your thoughts. There was some shuffling behind you and you felt the tip of his cock on your entrance, Seokjin coating his erection with your juices.

"Shit- it's so slippery..." he said mockingly, "slipping" past your cunt. "I can't seem to get it in."

His teasing left you desperate, clinging so hard on to the pillow that your knuckles started to turn white. And just as you felt the anticipation was too much, Seokjin thrusted into you fully, his girth entering you all at once, not caring that you usually needed time to adjust to his cock.

Seokjin dragged you closer towards him, your legs off the bed. He held your neck down with his arm and thrusted hard into your cunt. Before long, you begged silently as your high approaches, hoping that this time your boyfriend would let you cum.

"Baby, I- I'm close."

"Are you now, sweetheart?" You nodded and whimpered at his question. Your voice was getting higher, moans filling your small bedroom.

And he stopped again.

You buried your face in the pillow to scream. You were so agonizingly close and he denied you just like that. Tears fall out of your eyes now, you hiccup and sob, glaring daggers at him.

Normal Seokjin would've scooped you into his arms, a myriad of apologies would spill from his mouth.

But not this time. Instead, he grabbed your hips with his muscular arms before flipping you over so you lay flat on the bed. His cock went back inside, thrusting slowly while he spun circles on your sensitive folds.

"Please-" You breathe in deep, trying to stabilize your hiccups.

"One more for me?" he asked. His voice low and husky.

You start shaking your head, pleading, no- you couldn’t do it again. You were begging him to let you cum. He continued his shallow thrusts and his attention on your clit. You sigh underneath him, overstimulated beyond belief.

"One more," he insisted and leaned close to your ear. "For one whole year of living together." He nibbled on the shell before moving down to your neck. "Please?" You moan when he sucked on the delicate flesh.

You melted into his embrace and nod. "One more."

Perhaps you should've considered longer. Perhaps it was your lust-addled brain that made you say yes. Perhaps you should not have fallen for his devilish charm. But it’s all too late now as he lay on the bed, and you climbed over him.

"Mmph..." you moan, throwing your head back while you grind your pussy on his cock. You snuck a glance below only to find seeing your boyfriend drowning in pleasure.

You leaned forward and bumped your forehead with his. Seokjin's eyes open gently. He pants quietly as he cups your face, gently stroking it with his thumb. An angelic smile spreads upon his face, love and affection in his eyes. You whined as you continue riding him, trying to chase your own high while helping him with his, picking up the pace.

You were still moving a bit too slowly for his liking so he thrusted his hips to match your movements. It sent shivers down your spine and you moan deliciously.

"Baby, I can't- ah- Jin..." you pant, bouncing and grinding on his cock, just then realizing how close you actually were. You expected the stop, but it didn't make it any easier. Your boyfriend stopped his movements and held your hips firm, causing your body to convulse.

Seokjin sat up quickly, hugging and kissing your face profusely. "You did such a good job, ______." he said, his apologies in the form of kisses. He tucked a stray hair behind your ear. "You were so pretty bouncing on my cock like that."

You sigh and smiled weakly at him, "Can I rest?" you asked meekly.

You hear him genuinely laugh. His friends always said that his laugh sounded like windshield wipers. But to you, it sounded like wind chimes dancing in the summer.

Seokjin grabbed you and laid you down on the bed gently. He turned to his side and stroked your hair. You faced him, a content smile on your face as you also stroke his cheek.

"I love you."

The sudden confession made you halt. You knew Seokjin meant it. However, he does not say I love you very often. He shows his love with physical touch and "have you eaten?" questions that make you feel so happy he cared. But hearing him say he loved you almost made you cry. Almost. You had enough tears for the day.

"I love you too, darling."

You scoot closer to kiss him, tongue asking permission to enter. He groans when they collide. Your spare hand moved down and stroked his softening cock gently but he sprung up instantly.

"I kinda blue-balled you, sorry," you broke the kiss sheepishly. Seokjin just chuckled and continued the kiss, moving on top of you.

“Are you okay for more?” he asked, back to his usual self.

You nodded enthusiastically.

His cock slid in effortlessly, your pussy already wet and stretched out enough to take him in without any discomfort. Pleasure caused your body to groan. You wanted so badly to come.

He held up both your legs and toyed with your clit. He was able to thrust easily into you. He started out slow, making sure that you were actually okay before it turned manic, his cock going in and out of you with such force.

You whined when his thumb pushed harder on your clit, feeling your walls clench at his huge dick.

His cock going deeper and deeper inside you combined with him touching your clit was all it took. You were suddenly right there, at the edge of pleasure before you snap. You yell his name, your voice getting increasingly higher. You look at him with desperate eyes.

"Cum on my cock, ____," he groaned, marveling at how tight you were getting.

He kept the pace and soon, you were moaning his name, your juices creaming his cock. You loved being filled. You were so full as your walls clenched around him.

A few more hard thrusts and he joined you in pleasure. "Ah- _____," he moaned out as your walls were painted white. You winced when you thought Seokjin was going to fall on top of you, though he caught himself at the last second.

He slid out of you with a hiss and ran to get a towel to clean you up. After he was done, the towel was placed in the laundry basket, along with all the clothes that were discarded from the floor. You roll your eyes, knowing how neat your boyfriend was.

He plopped right next to you and you cuddled closer, throwing an arm over his muscled abdomen.

"Hi," he sighed out in bliss, tucking another strand of hair behind your ear. "Happy one year anniversary of living together, my dear."

His head dipped towards your and you both nuzzle your nose at each other. "Happy one year, Jin."

"So," he started, clearing his throat. "I can tell you liked getting spanked. Push my buttons some more and maybe it'll happen more often," he laughed at his own comment., waggling his eyebrows at your direction.

This time, it was you who were at a loss for words. You shook your head, rolling your eyes before snuggling so close to him. You found the perfect spot on his chest, as always, pulling the blankets towards the both of you.

He removed himself from underneath you and stared seriously into your eyes. "I know I don't say it enough,"-- you smiled as you notice his ears turning red again-- "but I meant what I said. I do, love you, ____." He held your gaze and you found the strength to sit up slightly to kiss him.

"I know, Jin. This was enough. You are enough."

You've never seen him so giddy and he kissed your forehead again, finally settling down.

"Good night, Kim Seokjin. I’ll clean the food in the morning," you say drowsily.

"Don’t worry, let me get it. Good night, soon-to-be Kim _____," he whispered. You heard the comment but you were tired to ask what he meant. In the morning, you thought to yourself. I'll deal with that in the morning.

When you finally slept, soft snores filling the room, Seokjin got up, carefully detangling him from your arms. You protest slightly but rolled over, not waking up. He padded softly to the kitchen to put the food away. Washing his hands, he looked to the bedroom once more to make sure you were indeed asleep, before opening his briefcase.

Inside, there was a small blue box and Seokjin opened it gingerly, fearing the worst. He sighed in relief as the band reflected a light coming from outside, still intact even though he dropped it earlier. He closed the small box and placed it back in his briefcase.

Seokjin came back to the room to find you had gotten up, hands rubbing your eyes. “Where did you go?”

“Bathroom and grabbed a glass of water,” he lied casually, praying that you didn’t see anything, his heart hammering in his chest.

You mumbled something and he sighed in relief, putting on a pair of boxers before snuggling you close, kissing your forehead.

All characters depicted in this fic are 18+ and fictional.

Any resemblance is just a work of fiction.

All rights © bangtanhome.tumblr.com

Posted on 04.13.2021 at 11:11am GMT+7.

[whiskehorange]

Hey guys, this is more of a serious post than anything else on my page, but if you could give it a read I'd really appreciate it.

I'm going to attempt to keep this as short as I can and I'm willing to answer any questions you guys have but I'll try to explain the best I can. I didn't want to do this but I have no one to turn to at this point.

As some of you know, I struggle really badly with mental health and my own self-image and it's been this way since I was very young. My anxiety has been getting worse and become an everyday hassle instead of primarily social. A lot of older adults in your life will tell you what you can do to "fix" your problems even when they shouldn't have a say, which we all know is pretty harmful within itself. I've been struggling the worst with depression and anxiety lately. A lot of really close people in my life are either extremely toxic, have passed, or have left me on a whim. The people physically "close" to me I don't have connections with to talk about these things and there's only so much my therapist a new psychiatrist (yay!) can take in every week or so.

As some of you know I also do have a boyfriend as well and that I live in Maryland. Since these last few months he has gone back down to Florida and is essentially "stuck" down there for a while, which only aids to my loneliness. My anxiety has kept me from getting things such as my permit & license, an ID at that, a job, and a lot of shit that is needed at my age, especially for being a young adult. I've been slowly improving in pushing myself thankfully although the terror is frustratingly dehumanizing. Thankfully I have been able to get this psychiatrist by myself but the biggest problem was visiting my boyfriend.

Long story short: My boyfriend is going to be in Florida for many more months to come to take advantage of the financial stability down there when he was originally supposed to be home Halloween night -November 3rd. I didn't and couldn't go down there because I do not tolerate nor like his family and the way they treat me/my boyfriend and I also have therapists/new doctors that couldn't go out of state and pets I didn't want to haul 15 hours in a car. With him going to be gone for so much longer than I can handle I can't decide if I should go or not. Especially not being mentally stable enough to take care of myself let alone generate another set of income for us yet,

I was wondering if you guys would be open to me starting commissions?

It's a quick way for me to make something to take down with me and not feel like such a worthless piece of shit or make money while I'm there to pay for my meds and maybe pay out of pocket for therapy sessions if I need to. I'm struggling so badly mentally and financially and have no one here to rely on to even help just take me where I need to go without feeling like I'm asking too much of people. At this point I'm living day to day and can barely afford to help pay for food to put in the house aside for what we're going to eat for that night.

I just need to know if commissions for personal writings and whatnot if something you guys would even take from me. I won't be doing too many at a time so I don't overwork and stress myself out and take forever to do them. I have no other option but to ask, I guess.

[vergess]

@autismserenity​ said: Your tags are the most American thing I’ve ever read, we are truly so screwed here   

May I interest you in a more complete, and more excruciating, explanation of what I spent the last 18 months doing?

It is, I need to emphasize, fucking nasty. Don’t feel obligated, especiallly if you’ve already had A Day(tm).

There’s a lot of disease, a lot of worker abuse including sexual and racial abuse, a fine portion of letting people die for not being white enough for real medical care, all leading to homelessness.

For NDA reasons, because my former employer was just as vile as any tech company has ever been, I cannot be super specific about who I worked for. However, I can say that we handled the records and patient contact for all COVID testing for several states, as well as 2 of the 5 largest metros in the US, and several dozen smaller ones ranging from the approximate population of San Francisco, down to little towns, as well as the testing for several public school systems and at least two government agencies that I am not at liberty to disclose.

I tell you this for a sense of scale. When I say shit like, “my boss was more than happy to let thousands or hundreds of thousands die” I am not exagerrating for effect. We handled hundreds of thousands of tests a week.

Again, I need to emphasize, government agencies. Ones you would know if I named them. Ones everyone in the country knows.

And we were in charge of getting their test results from the already over swamped labs back to the patients, who often were not allowed to quarantine while awaiting results.

The fastest we got our turnaround time to on any consistent basis was about 30 hours. Often it ballooned well into weeks.

There were a number of factors for this, but the big one was always understaffing.

The staff we did have were treated like trash. One of the big selling points of this company is how “trans friendly” it is to work there. That is a lie. Every trans employee on payroll had their dead name displayed to all other staff, and until I personally changed the system setup on my arrival, patient facing trans people’s dead names were displayed to patients.

Remember that thing about “hundreds of thousands of tests a week”?

I was able to change the way patient-facing names were displayed. I was not allowed or able to alter the way internal systems displayed trans people’s names. But I was assured that it’s fine, because once you get a legal name change, you’ll be given new system accounts with your new name!

Your old accounts with your dead name would still be displayed and associated with the new ones though.

This is the “trans friendly” working environment. We were allowed to be out of the closet, as long as we were willing to put up with that. And any attempts to get it altered were the result of those nasty little transgender ingrates not being thankful enough.

Meaning that by asking to use our own fucking names we were already in the disciplinary shitter.

Another big selling point is the ~racial diversity~. The CEO was a man of colour, and so were like four other people on staff!! Wow!!!!!!!

This, too, was laughable.

Once numbers started coming in about the care gap for COVID between English and Spanish speakers, and our Southwestern US service area began to have a separate and brutal backlog just of Spanish speaking patients, my employer encouraged me to interview potential hires who speak spanish.

Fair enough! We all wanted to do our part to help close the already massive mortality gap.

So, I found candidates, did interviews, hired them, trained them, etc. But I don’t speak Spanish. As a result, I appointed 2 assistant managers who do speak Spanish to assist me in managing, you know, like the job name.

So when my super contacted them directly, completely skipping me on the chain of command, and told them to stop all of our Spanish speakers from translating helpful simple messages to send to patients, and instead start translating medical and legal documents, they very reasonably assumed I was in the know and went ahead with it.

TO BE CLEAR, that could have ended my life, theirs, basically everyone involved. Everyone in the company would have been completely fucked. At that point, my subordinates, the people for whom I am wholly responsible, were doing everything from practicing medicine without licenses, to encouraging spanish speaking patients to enter contracts that no one on the fucking executive tier could even read.

The moment I found that out, I and the A.M.s immediately started trying to get actual medical translation services to do our documents. We collected them in a neat folder. We queried translation services. We got quotes. We contacted my super and the CEO, about this over and over again for months. In the late autumn, we received approval for one of the translation services.

The CEO decided at the last minute that having people with no medical or legal training draft medical and legal forms was fine and good actually, and refused to sign the contract or send the documents for translation.

The excuse I received was that the COVID emergency HIPAA relaxations would protect us.

That’s not how that works.

Throughout all of this, Spanish speaking employees were told to either keep doing medical and legal translation work, or lose their jobs.

Oh, did I mention everyone was working between 30 and 80 hours a week, and all of us were marked as “contractors” so the employer could tax evade? Don’t worry, we filed complaints with the labour bureau.

So the entire department was let go, and “rehired” as temps through a temp agency, which because it was a temp agency could keep them marked as contractors regardless of the facts.

This change was presented to all of us, myself included, as the company getting a new accountant to handle payroll.

So if you’re keeping score, we’ve covered racism, queerphobia, medical negligence, fraud, and a frankly uncountable number of deaths.

Let’s talk about the sheer negligence towards employees ourselves. If you’ve worked in near-death medical care before, or any number of emergency services really, you know that the standard benefit suite includes either a dedicated therapist for your staff, or access to peer support groups with other emergency and medical servants through your employer’s benefits program.

Do you know what our mental health benefits were for this company?

The CEO got on a fucking zoom call with us all one (1) time, and said that if we were feeling suicidal or traumatized by the work, to talk to him about it, and he would be our therapist.

Do you know how many people per fucking day we had to contact only to be told they had already died because our understaffing delays killed them? He doesn’t. He never listened when we told him.

But let me put the cherry on the “Oh baby, you can talk to me, oooh” sundae.

Anyone who “looked” or “sounded” female, regardless of actual or assigned gender, was subject to constant flirtations and slimy, overly personal compliments about our appearances. Fortunately, at 3 levels removed from the CEO (Executives > Department heads > Managers > Employees), most of the people under my management had relatively little contact with him.

I was not nearly so lucky.

The CEO of this company has a watersports (urination) fetish. I know this, because he told me so and attempted to get me to join him in it. I have no idea how many other people in the company he did this to. I mean, what the fuck was I supposed to do, risk losing my job to find out? I have a fucking family to support, people.

Not that it mattered.

Eventually, all of these abuses became too much for my subordinates. Productivity fell off a cliff. Delays were getting worse and worse. In a medical emergency like this, delays=deaths.

So, like a fucking idiot, when the department heads reached out to me to ask what they could do to improve productivity, I shot down their frankly insulting suggestion of raffling a $20 amazon gift card to patient facing employees, and instead suggested a very simple, “enroll us with a peer support group, every single person in this department has PTSD from working in this pandemic.”

They were confused by my assertion of PTSD. I was asked to compile a document of complaints, concerns, and weaknesses in our patient facing services.

I and the A.M.s did so. It was roughly 40 pages long, with each page given a known problem, the reasons why it was a problem, and some potential solutions that might inspire further solutions or be able to be implemented. We submitted it. There was no response.

A week passed.

I had been working 80 hour weeks for most of a year. I hadn’t even been able to take weekends. I took my first sick day, in a company with “unlimited vacation days.”

I received a call at 3PM.

I had been fired for “differences in communitcation.” If you’ve ever seen that “Problem Women of Color in the workplace” chart? Yeah.

So had most of my department, including every transgender member of the department, and several of our extremely limited in supply Spanish speakers, who were presumed to be “on my side.”

Some of them, I barely even knew beyond the formalities of the job, and they were punished anyway.

I lost my insurance, and as a result I lost access to my medications.

But the real problem? I lost my house. And not due to lack of payment.

I lost my house, because when I got the job we waited 6 months for stability’s sake, and then readied to move out of the area. I got a mortgage on the basis of my employer’s written guarantee to the bank that I would continue to be employed for the next year at a minimum.

With the mortgage approval in hand, we entered a sales contract on our existing home.

We got and accepted an offer just days before I was fired. To keep our house meant paying a 25,000 dollar broken contract fine. We didn’t have that. We had a 10% down payment for a modest fucking place in a cheaper area, which is less than half that.

But without a job, my mortgage approval was also voided, meaning we couldn’t buy a house either.

All of a sudden, we were homeless during the plague, because my employer wrote and signed a letter to a bank guaranteeing my future employ, and then changed his mind when too many people died due to his own negligence.

Oh yeah, one last thing: the job paid less than Pandemic unemployment Assistance.

...After that, well, it’s homelessness until just last month. I... if you’ve never been homeless it’s.

It blurs. Everything is happening constantly, except for all the ways in which you are endlessly, mind breakingly bored. Bored, overloaded, and always uncomfortable.

Obviously my health would have declined regardless. Malnutrition, stress, everything.

But I was also unmedicated.

It was hell. I was in hell. I don’t know if I can recover from it, to be honest.

I bounced back from being homeless as a child. Children are as resilient as they are stupid, and the monstrosity of homelessness was little more than a vaguely remembered loathing and a panicky fear that it would ever happen again.

A child who is dying is worthy of sympathy, even if it is meaningless coos from passers by. If they have family, they may be able to rely on them too.

An adult with the indignity to die homeless and crippled, according to the average passer by, is worthy only of disgust and perhaps even punishment for being such a worthless waste.

My reward for nearly killing myself in a desperate bid to help stem the tide of COVID was the destruction of not only my life, not only my entire family’s lives, but the lives of every single family of every single employee who worked with me.

And you know what’s worse?

Each one of us still did more to limit the lethal impact of COVID than the entire united states government.

It breaks something in you, going through that.

It makes you realize that hope is a fool’s game.

But, I have ever been a fool, and so, I continue to play.

[criticalbread]

tl;dr fundraising post -  i’m disabled, work is destroying my body, and I need help saving up for some accommodating devices & recovering from top surgery in late January. a bit more info under the cut if you’re curious about the details

V*nmo and Payp*l: shereshoy 

idk what else to say but, if you can give me a boost or a buck, thank you.

 . I’m very limited in what jobs I can work and it’s a miracle I found this one that comes even close to meeting my needs. It’s still 100% more than my body can handle and it’s wrecking me but I was MAYBE 2 months from dead broke when I started. Both of my parents are recovering from or having ongoing health crisis and I can’t imagine trying to ask them for anything-- I haven’t been keeping them up to date on my shit bc I don’t want to worry them too much. I’m trying to file for disability but it’s a fucking joke. I’d appreciate any help anyone can give me. I’m trying to raise enough money to buy some accommodating stuff for my home and other stuff to improve my current quality of life. For example, just typing and using a mouse for any amount of time have become super painful with the increased stress on my joints making my inflammatory arthritis flare up. All this has got me super fatigued all the time, so being on the computer (especially when I’m having a flare) has become my main accessible form of entertainment, social contact, relaxation, creative outlet-- you name it. Except now it’s becoming more painful and less viable. My pain, fatigue, & mental health could really be improved if I could buy some of the ergonomic arthritis-friendly things I’ve heard others have success with, and honestly my anxiety could be improved a lot if I knew I had a bit more money to live off of during the 4-6 week recovery after top surgery, which I’m getting on January 20th thru my state healthcare. It’s a shit time for it tbh but if I wait I may never get the chance again. And the relief of having it done and being a bit more at home in my body which is, more often than not, a site of pain and struggle is honestly... indescribable. so. that’s about it. depression is having a house party. anxiety’s invited her friends agoraphobia and hypervigilance over and i’m not chill with it. i’m hanging on to humor and dead-eyed stubbornness by my fingertips. if you’ve read this much, thanks, and be well out there.

[shera-dnd]

Cupid’s Kiss

Took me way longer than expected curse the whims of my mental health but the winner of this month’s 3k fic poll is finally here!

In which Carmen and Julia have a lovely totally not date in Paris while in search for two thieves who are certainly also not having a date

if you’d like a chance to get your fic ideas written by me, or just want to support me, you can feel free to donate to my ko-fi (rules over here)

and here is the ao3 link if you’d rather read it over there

also this fic was brought to you thanks to the help of @cantdrawshaw

NOW ON WITH THE FIC

Carmen Sandiego was the best at her job. She had bested trained assassins and killer robots, evaded the world’s most advanced detective agency, and destroyed the largest criminal organization. All in her early twenties.

Yet there was one task she was not prepared to face. One that escaped her skills, both martial and technical. One that she had failed to plan around. One that existed entirely beyond the range of her skills. A foe that she could not beat.

“Come on, Carm,” Zack called, “it can’t be that hard. If even Ivy could score with the girls, you can do it too.”

“Even Ivy?!” His sister replied, furious, “I’ve been with more girls than you, jackass.”

“Guys, guys!” Carmen interrupted, “you’re not helping.”

Mentioning her interest in spending more time with Julia Argent had been the biggest mistake she had made in weeks. This was supposed to be a peaceful day at their old home base, but now here she was.

Her friends were trying so hard to help her and she couldn’t even be mad at how poorly they were doing, because she knew she wouldn’t fare much better were the roles reversed.

“Sorry,” the siblings replied in unison.

“I appreciate the support,” she assured them, “but I’m not trying to ‘score’ with anyone. I just wanna get to know Jules a little better.”

“So this is not a date?” Ivy asked.

“No!” She replied, a little too quickly, “me and Jules aren’t like that. She’s more of a… professional acquaintance. A coworker.”

“Carm,” Zack replied, “we’re coworkers and you’ve never had a bouquet of roses delivered to my door.”

“It was just a thank you for handling all those precious artifacts for me,” she explained, “she’s a hard worker, she deserved it.”

“Sure,” Ivy nodded, unconvinced, “is that why you take time to chat over coffee with her every other caper?”

“Not every moment of our lives has to be a chase, you know?” she countered.

“Or why you keep finding excuses to dance with her?”

“It’s the easiest way to speak privately at those parties without garnering unwanted attention,” she recited as if from a textbook.

“Or why-”

“Cease this!” Shadowsan’s stern voice commanded and the siblings fell silent, “VILE has trained her to never cave under interrogation. You’ll have a better chance extracting information from a rock.”

Carmen smirked at them, proud to have her skills of deflection recognized.

“Do not be so full of yourself,” he added, making Carmen flinch just a bit, “I have taught those lessons for years and I know how to see through them.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” she deflected, looking away.

He walked up to her and placed a hand on her shoulder with uncharacteristic gentleness.

“I have seen the happiness Miss Argent brings you,” he said, “and I wish you the best of luck should you wish to pursue it.”

That meant a lot to Carmen. More than she could really express in words. But after she had been so thoroughly embarrassed by her friends, all she could really say was,

“Not you too.”

She looked up at the smirking siblings and braced herself...

“Hey, Red,” Player’s voice called, just in the nick of time.

“Player!” She jumped to attention and grabbed the laptop from their desk.

“Woah!” he exclaimed, “everything okay, Red?”

Zack and Ivy snickered as they sat by each side of her, so they could see Player.

“I think Carm would rather you sent her on a crazy chase instead of sitting here talking about her crush on Jules,” Ivy teased.

“Well it looks like you might get to do both,” Player replied, to Carmen’s dismay, “look who our cameras just found walking around Paris.”

The screen cut to a video feed of one of ACME’s hidden cameras over the streets of Paris. None of the people on camera seemed particularly conspicuous… until a particular pair walked on screen. Even without their costumes Carmen could always recognize them.

“Tigress and Paper Star,” she noted, “those two can’t be up to any good.”

“Looks like we’ll be going to Paris, eh Carm?” Ivy commented as she playfully nudged her side.

“City of love,” Zack added as he joined the nudging.

Carmen groaned. This was gonna be a rough mission.

Chase had grown a lot over the past few months. His deductive reasoning had vastly improved, his mood was far more amenable, and he actually stopped to listen to Julia nowadays. What hadn’t really improved with time was his overall clumsiness. 

“Miss Argent, I’ll be fine,” his insistence was interrupted by a powerful sneeze, “This is nothing.”

“Agent Devineaux, please,” she pleaded, “you’re in no state to continue this investigation.”

Devineaux had landed himself into his fair share of rivers over the months he had worked for ACME, and it seemed that so many cold baths had finally caught up to his health. Not that he would ever admit to that.

“Nonsense,” he claimed, “I’ll be back in perfect shape by the time we land in Paris.”

The sneeze that followed said otherwise.

“Chase, please,” she asked again, “rest. I can handle this.”

“I refuse to send my partner on a mission by herself.”

“As sweet as your concern is,” she countered, “I doubt I’ll be by myself for long.”

“Ah yes, I’m sure La Femme Rouge will make for good company,” he agreed and she was glad he did, but it sounded like there was more to his words. “Were you anyone else I’d worry this was all a ploy to have some private time with Miss Sandiego.”

She shot him an unamused glare.

“Apologies,” he said almost immediately.

“Accepted,” she sighed, “but I do not appreciate any insinuations as to the nature of me and Miss Sandiego’s relationship. We’re good friends, nothing more.”

“Of course,” he nodded, but Julia could tell he had more to say.

Truly his detective skills have improved considerably as of late. It had become harder and harder for Julia to pass her excitement for those missions as simple passion for her work. Not when she had abandoned that work as soon as it conflicted with her passion for… something else.

Chase was her friend and she knew he’d understand her feelings for Carmen. She was also sure he’d do his best to keep it a secret until she was confident enough to bring these things to light. She trusted him and she didn’t fear anything of the sorts.

What she did fear was Chase trying to wingman for her. Just the thought was enough to fill her with dread. Enough dread to keep her mouth shut about her feelings in the vicinity of Agent Devineaux. Even if it felt bad to hide this from her friend.

Thankfully the Chief chose that exact moment to call her to give her updated information on their targets. 

Now she could just shut off all these awkward feelings and focus on her work.

The Louvre had been an obvious target. The world’s most famous museum, home to thousands of priceless works of art, including the Mona Lisa itself. It was so obvious in fact that VILE had never bothered to consider it.

But VILE was gone now and its escaped students no longer had any faculty to dissuade them from this target.

That’s why Carmen now walked its halls, diligently searching for any security flaws that could be exploited and any sign of the two master thieves on the loose.

She still took time to appreciate the art of course. This was the most famous museum in the world for a reason and she wasn’t gonna let this unique opportunity escape her, even with the evil duo to watch for.

Carmen had her attention split in every possible direction, her mind juggling its many tasks as she wandered hall after hall. Until, that is, she found something that pulled her focus into one singular point.

A shorter woman in a nice fitted suit, standing before one of the statues.

“Jules,” she greeted as she walked up behind her.

“Miss Sandiego,” Julia smiled as she greeted her, utterly unsurprised. She must have been expecting her, “it’s nice to see you here.”

“It’s nice seeing you too,” she replied, “and we went over this before, Carmen is just fine.”

“Carmen,” she said, in a way that warmed Carmen’s heart, “I take it you’ve been enjoying your time in Paris.”

“Hard to go sightseeing while I’ve got work to do, but I’m making do,” she shrugged, “how about you? What caught your attention today?”

Julia turned back to the statue she had been appreciating until then, “Psyche Revived by Cupid's Kiss.”

Carmen smirked, it was her time to shine.

“Sculpted by Antonio Canova, commissioned by welsh art-collector John Campbell in 1787,” she recited from memory, “its prime version was acquired by the Louvre in 1824 after the death of its previous owner, Joachim Murat.”

“Very impressive,” Julia praised, “I wish my students put half as much time as you do into their research.”

“I’m just good at memorizing trivia,” Carmen shrugged, trying to hide her pride at earning that praise, “I’m sure you know so much more than me on the subject.”

Boy was Carmen right about that. That seemed to have been the cue to send Julia into a long lecture about the neoclassical and romantic periods, as well as an analysis of the sculpture’s mythological origins and the many interpretations of the myth.

Many people would probably find this amount of information unspeakably tedious. But for Carmen, who was always hungry to learn about the world around her (and could never get tired of Jules speaking so enthusiastically,) it was exciting and endearing.

Carmen had realized then that she wanted nothing more than to spend her every waking hour listening to Julia talk on and on about anything she wanted, as long as it was passionate like this. Maybe someday soon.

Right now they had the whole rest of the Louvre to scout.

“Alright, alright, victory is yours,” Carmen playfully interrupted, “I guess you really are the biggest history nerd here.”

“Oh I’m sorry, it seems I got a bit carried away,” Julia cringed in shame. Damn it Sandiego! “I didn’t mean to bore you.”

“You couldn’t bore me if you tried,” Carmen assured her as she placed a hand on her arm, “I mean it. It’s nice hearing you talk.”

“Unfortunately I no longer teach,” she replied, “otherwise I would have given you an open invitation to any of my classes.”

“Well, how about you show me around the place?” she suggested, “we can call this a private lesson.”

At that Julia smiled again, “then I hope your memory is as good as you say it is, Carmen Sandiego, because I’ll be quizzing you at the end of the tour.”

They both laughed as Julia led them along to the next art piece in what was clearly a meticulously planned tour of the museum. Jules kept her teacher face on for all of her little lectures, but as they walked from room to room it felt so simple and casual.

For once Carmen felt like there was no rush and that she could just enjoy her time with someone she cared about. Maybe that was the moment. Her chance to make something out of this and let Julia know how she felt.

“Hey, Jules,” she called, walking a little closer to her.

“Yes?” Julia turned to look at her, she seemed surprised by the sudden closeness, but did not move away from her.

Carmen decided to take that as a good sign.

“This has been really nice, you know?” she tried, her usual confidence failing her, “just spending time with you like this.”

“I guess it was,” she replied with- Wait, was that a blush? No, that had to be wishful thinking.

“Yeah,” she agreed, awkwardly scratching the back of her neck, “and I just feel like-”

It was then that she was rudely reminded of what she was here to do.

“-you have got to be kidding me!”

“What?” Julia jumped a little in surprise.

“5 o’clock, behind you,” Carmen instructed.

She turned to look and there they were. Tall, blonde and scheming, and short, monochromatic and homicidal. The two thieves they were here to catch. Two thieves that had also noticed them.

They both smirked at them for a moment, before Paper Star whispered something into Tigress’s ear and they both bolted in separate directions.

“I go for Tigress, you go for Paper Star,” Carmen ordered as she bolted after her target.

Tigress was the fastest of the two, and the one most likely to pull dirty tricks on them. Unfortunately for her, Carmen was well-versed in all of those tricks, and of course had all her equipment on her. It’s amazing how much she could hide in just a red hoodie.

Soon Tigress had led the both of them out of the main building, ready to make a run for it and disappear into the city. Her mistake though, was going somewhere Carmen could use her grappling hook without worrying about damaging priceless works of art.

She swung after her, quickly closing the distance and knocking her down with a kick to the stomach. Tigress groaned as she forced herself back up, but instead of running again or getting ready to fight Carmen, she simply shouted.

“Come on!”

“Done running around?” Carmen taunted.

“Yeah yeah whatever,” she replied. Well that was unusual, “did you girlfriend catch Paper Star already?”

“What!?” She nearly jumped in surprise, “She’s not- we’re not- that doesn’t matter! You’re going to jail, for good this time.”

“For what?” she replied.

“Trying to steal from the Louvre!”

“Ah yes, because that’s the only reason we’d be enjoying some time together in the city of love,” she mocked and rolled her eyes.

Was she implying what she thought she was implying?

“Aww, babe,” a voice above them called. Paper Star leaned out of a nearby window and openly teased her partner in crime.

Babe?

“She caught you already?” she continued

Tigress groaned again, “not my fault you got easy mode.”

Paper Star jumped down and casually hooked her arms around Tigress’s neck.

“Well I’ve won,” she declared, “now where’s my prize?”

The last thing Carmen expected was for the two of them to kiss right there in front of her, and yet that was exactly what they did.

“I did not need to see that!” She complained.

“You were the one who interrupted our date!” Tigress complained back.

“Do you seriously want me to believe that you two were just spending the evening together in the Louvre as a date?”

“Was that not what you and your little agent were doing too?” Paper Star teased.

Carmen’s reflex was to say no, but… was that what they were doing? They had been walking around, sightseeing, talking and laughing and enjoying each other’s company and- oh god Carmen almost confessed to her back there. 

This was her chance to have a proper date with Jules and it got ruined right at the finish line because of a mission that didn’t even exist in the first place!

She would have time to figure all of this out later, right now she had a job to do and two smug assholes to put in their place. Thankfully she already knew just how to do that.

“You’re right, it was very rude of me to interrupt your romantic evening,” Carmen raised her hands in surrender and backed away, “how about you two get back to what you were doing and I can arrest you both tomorrow?”

“What?” Tigress challenged, “no romantic chase over the rooftops of Paris?”

“I’m sure your girlfriend would love that,” Paper Star added.

“Actually I think Julia would rather just have you behind bars,” she shrugged.

Right on cue the ACME’s blue sleep gas finally reached the both of them, making them both drop on the spot. It was kinda cute how they were put to sleep still holding each other. Carmen almost felt bad for arresting them. Almost.

She pulled her grappling hook again and launched herself through the open window above, landing right next to a very proud Julia Argent.

“Two for one,” Carmen praised, “at this rate, pretty soon you won’t be needing my help anymore.”

“I appreciate the compliment, but I had my partner down there to keep them in place,” Julia replied playfully. Carmen’s heart skipped a beat at the word ‘partner’, even though she knew she meant it as coworkers.

“Always happy to play distraction for you, Jules,” she played along.

Taking another step forward, Carmen felt her sense of balance completely leave her as she accidentally inhaled some sleep gas fumes. 

She tumbled forward, but before she hit the ground she felt Julia’s arms holding her up. It took her a second to shake away the effects of the gas, and another second to process the position they were in. How Julia was holding her like she had just dipped her in a dance.

For a moment they froze, staring into each other’s eyes as they held onto each other, until finally Julia helped her up again.

“I’m so sorry about that,” Julia apologized as she tried to fix up Carmen’s scuffed clothes.

“It’s fine,” Carmen assured her, “I should’ve been more careful around the sleep gas.”

Still Julia fussed over her, readjusting Carmen’s hoodie as she muttered a few more apologies. It took her a moment to notice just how close they were both standing now. The realization made her jump back a bit on reflex, but still she remained considerably close to Carmen.

She took a moment to collect herself before finally asking, “so uh- you had something you wanted to tell me?”

Carmen sighed in relief. Good to know those two hadn’t completely destroyed her chances.

“I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed our time together today,” she admitted, “before we got interrupted that is.”

Julia gave her a genuine smile that made her heart stop, “I enjoyed our time too. It’s nice to be able to talk about these things outside of work.”

“Yeah,” she agreed, feeling her confidence return bit by bit, “wanna do that again sometime? Maybe over some coffee.”

Jules seemed surprised at first as she caught on to what Carmen meant, but that expression was quickly replaced by a playful smile.

“Carmen Sandiego,” she called, “are you asking me out on a date?”

“Nothing escapes ACME’s best detective,” she joked, “I guess I am.”

“Then I’ll have to ask you to wait a little for my answer,” she asked.

Carmen opened her mouth to say that she was more than fine with waiting however long she needed, but she was frozen mid motion when Julia’s lips met her own. A quick, sweet little peck. 

“I want to finish our first before we plan the second.”

[dani-of-the-cosmos]

*how the signs are acting during quarantine*

~with a touch of unsolicited advice: my venus in cancer’s specialty~

<3 pick your sun, moon, rising, mars, mercury, venus, or dominant sign <3

aries

overall, restless. the day seems to drag on and on, and they cope with it by playing video games and snapchatting someone every 20 seconds. self-hatred lingers in the back of their mind, because of all the time they have to analyze themselves. at random times (usually at night), they may be hit with big waves of profound emotions, where they just need to cry it out and acknowledge how lost they feel. may wonder what their purpose is, or where they fit in in the big scheme of the world. gets philosophical, but not in that condescendingly vague, optimistic way--they truly want answers, because the nothingness is just getting to be too much.

taurus

is actually doing pretty okay. is reading a lot about how they can improve themselves, and probably have a few google docs open with plans on how to upgrade their life. they’ve probably started a garden of some sort, or bought some plants to take care of. the day may seem to pass by quickly for them. they fill their time with watching movies and discovering new recipes to cook. has started getting more sleep, which makes their alluring eyes even more beautiful. the downside is that they may feel a bit groggy, or their head feels heavy, because even the most security-loving, routine-oriented zodiac sign needs some variety. 

gemini

getting really excited about all these new methods for self-improvement: exercise, mental health, new projects, clearing their skin, etc. is consistent with these newfound activities for a few days, then gets annoyed when they don’t have 45 inch hips, a 22 inch waist and graceful, 11-shaped abs after less than a week of the chloe ting hourglass program. talks on the phone as they sit on the toilet. watches youtube videos about how to achieve the glow-up that they crave, but can never commit to a single video’s advice. wants something exciting to happen in their life, so they lean into their big emotions and taboo curiosities to compensate for the lack of stimulation. on their phone a LOT.   

cancer

has gotten even more beautiful since the quarantine started. loves the simplicity they’re getting accustomed to, but also constantly worries if they’re “making the most” of all this free time. probably will scold themselves after all this is over for not being more disciplined during self-isolation. goes on walks outside a lot, and finds that connecting with nature significantly boosts their mood. observes the quiet beauty around them as a way to cope with the universal chaos of our world. since cancer tends to be a very empathetic sign, they may feel like a sponge for fatigue and suffering whenever they read the news. being aware of the world is great and necessary, but take care of yourself, cancer. know when to take a break from the news.

leo

is really excited about reinventing themselves--they want it all! new clothes, improved mindset, cleaner room, a kinder social circle, new hair--the works. they want to bust out of quarantine looking even more striking than before, with a wardrobe reflecting their new style. probably has either already done something drastic to their hair (like dying it, or the dreaded 2 am impulsive bangs cut), or is at least seriously considering it. really wants to get out of their house and camp out on the beach or something--they miss seeing their friends face-to-face, and try to make up for it by calling them to hear their voices. is irritated that they happened to be born at a time where the pivotal years of their life are being wasted by such an awful series of world events.

virgo

has upgraded their bedroom to look as aesthetically pleasing and soothing as possible. their social life has most likely downsized to 2-3 super close and genuine friends that they call, text, and/or facetime with daily. since virgo is a mutable sign, they’ve probably done a great job adjusting to their surroundings and are helping their family with domestic tasks. however, they may feel anxious, and unsatisfied with their current mindset and resources, so they feel the urge to expand their horizons and feed their genius mind as much as possible! it may be hard to find motivation, virgo, but the world needs a physical manifestation of your potential right now. if you have an idea you want to pursue but are too scared to, take the plunge. this sounds cheesy and cliche but, this is your sign to start!

libra

reminisces a lot about the past. thinks about how they would have handled past situations differently, and mentally shames themselves for it. is probably doing a lot of self-reflection, which is good for their sweet hearts and furthers the progress of their mental health, but also depresses them, as libra energy tends to be highly critical of itself. sleeping in too late and talking aloud to themselves at ungodly hours of the night. finds their mind going on the philosophical route more often than usual. might be posting passive-aggressive mood quotes on instagram

scorpio

is actually exercising pretty consistently like they said they would. their body has been getting curvalicious and toned, and to that i say WOOHOO GO SCORPIO! however, they’ve probably completely messed up their entire sleep schedule, and may be practically nocturnal some days. probably feels really emotional at the moment, and is overwhelmed with the amount of pain in the world that they wish they could singlehandedly stop. may be pretty loner-ish at the moment, and is probably not very active on their social media, because they’re realizing who their truest friends are. scorpio does well with transformation (they’re ruled by pluto, the planet of regeneration) so rest assured, they will emerge from quarantine new and improved! 

sagittarius

is eating too much junk food. sagittarius, if you’re reading this right now, PUT DOWN THE CHIPS BUDDY BOY. is probably finding ways to hang out with their friends in person, like yelling across the sidewalk to them while wearing a mask. has been super active on social media regarding current social justice issues. feels enormous compassion for the oppressed and has been signing petitions at the speed of light. probably getting in fights with their family and being a little feistier than usual. i can’t blame them though...sagittarius is a sign that needs entertainment, so they’re gonna be a little punchy in this stagnant yet catastrophic time. 

capricorn

has established a daily routine that keeps them feeling grounded and stable. they may realize how little they’ve actually prioritized their own joy in the past, and they’re using quarantine as a way to get to know themselves again. purchases luxury pajamas and is most likely drinking a hot beverage in a mug right now. probably on a health kick. is getting even closer with their closest friends, and basically forgets about acquaintances. cuddling their pets a lot (or fantasizing about adopting a pet if they don’t have one). misses putting on mascara and stepping into that cute skirt, because that sPeCiAL pErSoN isn’t there to see it lol

aquarius

thinking about ways they can make money. getting bursts of hyper inspiration to flip their life around and start working super hard for their dream life. is masking hopelessness, and finds themselves pondering the fragility of human life. may experience thoughts of nihilism that they don’t act on, and is increasingly worried about the state of their environment. is stuck between feeling motivated and believing in their ability to positively transform, and getting depressed and detached from their earthly obligations. 

pisces

probably painting their nails a lot. is finding ways to put a little spice of excitement in their life--like making a nice breakfast (at 4 pm, which is like an hour after they wake up lately), giving their pet a concert of them, naked, singing ski mask the slump god songs into a hairbrush they’re pretending is a microphone. stares at themselves in the mirror for too long, letting their insecurities get the best of them. has probably gotten in touch with their grandparents (or any other relatives they usually don’t keep in close touch with) over the phone. may be dealing with worsened anxiety and feelings of depression at this time, and sleeps a lot to try to escape it. their room might be pretty messy at the moment as well, which they’re overly hard on themselves for. pisces: you are such a uniquely sweet and tender soul. take it one day at a time and never underestimate the power of reaching out to someone <3