#my one and only therapist and she fucked me up soooooo bad

[oscillating-fan-whore3]

I know i need help but my last therapist genuinely fucked up with me so bad that even if I wanted to go to therapy it's too scary to even imagine

[mylittleredgirl]

favorite and least favorite parts of each trek, with absolutely no thought put into it before making this list:

🚀 classic trek favorite: the ~aesthetic~. fuckin LOVE big chunky plastic buttons and beepy things, the mini-skirts, the sparkly metallic fabric, the whole deal. least favorite: janice rand leaves forever :( :( every single appearance she had was BONKERS how am i supposed to experience that and then ever hope to fill that void 🪐 tng favorite: soooooo soothing to know that our guys will always be both kind and correct and at the end of the episode i will learn something about how to be a better person. also romulans are there. least favorite: shit fuck i shouldn't have started this post because i'm already drawing a blank. ok ok i hate that the ship's counselor role got nerfed into a "therapist on the bridge" when it's actually so so important!! that needed to be explored so explicitly that dudebros on the internet have to shut up about it forever ⚾️ deep space nine favorite: THE CHARACTERS MY FRIENDS. the cast of dozens where every single character right down to the randos on the promenade are great. headed up by benjamin lafayette sisko and kira nerys, truly characters of all time least favorite: dukat's insanity/pah-wraith arc. like i do get why this narrative parallel makes sense against sisko as the prophets' emissary but also, it's bad. 🥔 voyager (that's a leola root by the way) favorite: i LOVE the early seasons where everyone is so adorable and spunky and they're just tooling around the delta quadrant being terrible at making friends. also tuvok is there. least favorite: kes leaves forever :( :( i hear you out there saying "fury" but come here. look at me. look at me. kes leaves forever. 🛰 enterprise favorite: controversial actually but i love t'pol's arc. i DID NOT love it as it was airing because watching poor jolene blalock having to act her way through ever more demeaning episodes is painful and terrible, but t'pol is magnificent actually? the fish out of water vulcan finding herself in foreign waters?? self-destruction on the way to rediscovering her own personal relationship to logic??? imagine if we'd got three more seasons of her with manny coto in charge it would've been glorious. least favorite: can we PLEASE do something with hoshi and travis i am BEGGING. also physically painful what american jingoism did to captain archer but i might have emotionally coped with it better if travis got lines. 🍄 discovery favorite: michael burnham is the light of my life she makes me cry out emotions that have been buried since i was in utero i don't even know. also the changing opening sequence my beloved least favorite: need one of those serial killer string boards to figure out what's going on sometimes??? can't say that too loudly tho because the discovery haters can smell blood in the water 💃 short treks favorite: THE CONCEPT I LOVE THIS least favorite: more??????? :( 🥷 star trek picard favorite: seven of nine in comfy sweaters kissing a girl filled holes in my life i didn't know were there!!!?!?!?? least favorite: don't like when picard is a jerk :( don't like when no soji and elnor :( :( :( 🤪 lower decks favorite: every second is a relentless outpouring of love for star trek, it's like a sleepover where all your friends are sitting around talking about how much they love tng except your friends are 900% funnier. least favorite: i have a hard time with cartoon violence sometimes so i get TENSE and also badgey haunts my nightmares for real for real 👨‍🍳 strange new worlds - actually i have only seen the first episode despite posting about it as if i have seen all of it haha my bad SO favorite: new star trek to watch!!!!! least favorite: now everyone knows i haven't watched it yet and i am losing trekkie credibility babes 😬 👩‍👧‍👦 prodigy favorite: rok-tak my DAUGHTER least favorite: that feeling of being in a warner brothers cartoon and there's an anvil above all our heads with J/C DISCOURSE painted on it just waiting for the show to make a wrong move

i swear i must have forgotten at least one series there is so much star trek now??? anyway feel free to make your own post about this, i am curious!! if you absolutely MUST i suppose it's ok to think about your answers for more than 30 seconds.

[thewanderingace]

Okay I'm a little less emotional now and I've processed a bit so here's my disorganized thoughts during and about Lucifer season 6

Massive MASSIVE amount of spoilers under the cut!!

Lucifer has been my favorite show for the last 5 years and I've been through so many ups and downs with it that saying goodbye to it was HARD. The whole season just utterly wrecked me. I think I cried at least twice an episode but the final 2 episodes was non stop sobbing. Non stop.

To me, it felt like this season was one long goodbye and I loved it. Not just the cast and crew saying goodbye to the fans and the show but it gave us a way to say our goodbyes to the characters through them and I'm grateful for that. Did it hurt like a bitch the whole time? Oh yeah. My heart aches. But we got to say goodbye and it's not often we get to do that with tv shows. Even if not everything went the way I wanted to, I'm okay with that. I cried my eyes out the whole time and for hours afterwards but now that my emotions have settled somewhat, I'm okay with it all. I kinda like the bittersweetness of it.

Overall I loved the final season. It had some great funny moments, soooooo much intimate Deckerstar I mean the love between them is palpable every second they're together, and so many great character moments. This was really about the characters and the emotions and less about murders and action and plot. And as a fan of emotional character moments I loved that. And Tom's acting was fucking out of this world. I mean they all were but Tom especially gave the performance of a lifetime in my opinion.

Going into this final season my checklist of things I want to see happen was as follows:

Ella finds out the truth about the celestials

Lucifer does not become God. In fact I want him to focus on changing hell and helping people move on past their guilt and go to Heaven. Like Dan. I want him to help people like Dan. Or just change the system entirely so people like Dan don't end up in Hell

Amenadiel does become God

Linda continues being the therapist to the celestials

No more Maze and Lucifer fighting with each other

Dan moving on to Heaven and being with Charlotte

Ella being happy with Carol

Deckerstar happy and together at the end

That was everything I wanted and you know what? I GOT IT!

Ella not only found out that they were all celestials, she figured it out on her own!! She's so smart! And I love how she was just 100% cool with it all because her faith has always been so strong. It was the fact that they didn't tell her that upset her and yeah I'm upset about that too and I really wish one of them had told her that they didn't tell her because they didn't want to hurt her. Linda and Chloe both knew how difficult it was for them to learn and Lucifer saw how affected they were. So they were in a way trying to protect Ella from pain. She had every right to be mad and upset. But I'm thrilled she is in the know now and the way she ran after Amenadiel to see him fly was amazing.Just the look on her face as she saw an angel fly was perfect.

I liked Linda's boredom with human problems as a therapist and how she's feeling unfulfilled in regular day to day problems. It's something I wondered about last season and I'm glad it was addressed. And I love that she continues to treat celestials like Adam XD. I wonder if her practice will just turn into a celestial therapy practice. Angels, demons, etc. All are welcome and she'd be amazing at it.

This is the best that Lucifer and Maze's relationship has ever been and I am LOVING IT! He asked for her advice and she didn't make fun of him or say something mean, she actual gave him her advice and he listened to it! Maze then supported his awkward ways of trying to get to know Rory and tried to show Rory that's he's trying! And when she asked him for help with Adam he came! And he listened to her!! She said her feelings and he listened!! And reacted appropriately!! AND HELPED HER!! "My best fiends wedding" omg!!! AND THEN!! He openly admits that she's his best friend during his goodbye!! I love it!! And he opens his arms for a hug!! AND THEY ACTUALLY HUGGED!!! Maze and Lucifer this season was so good!!!!

I had a feeling even before going into this season that Lucifer would not end up as God but that Amenadiel would and I am soooo glad that that is what happened! Lucifer as God didn't feel right and I'm glad there was a several episode long arc of Lucifer slowly coming to realize that not only is it not his calling but he doesn't want to do that job. He wants to help people but not like that. I love that growth for him.

I actually really liked Carol and I think he and Ella are cute together and I hope they'll be very happy. I mean the cuteness factor of them doing bad karate moves together nearly killed me. I also loved that Ella's trauma with Pete didn't go away but was embraced. Of course she wouldn't be okay after all that and I'm glad the writers didn't ignore it.

THE DECKERSTAR!!! THIS SEASON WAS PEAK DECKERSTAR AND I AM LIVING!!!! Where do I even start with this?! The Deckerstar love this season was so high that it destroyed me at the end. I mean the touches, the looks, the hugs, the kisses, the dancing, the dates, the beach cuddle, the nose kisses, the forehead kisses, the casual I love yous, the flying together, sexy times, the mutual support for each other, the pure LOVE between was so incredible. The fact that they had to be separated for so long, Lucifer alone in Hell and Chloe raising two kids alone, fucking hurts me heart so damn much but we got so many wonderful moments with them that it will sustain me. I mean their goodbye was so fucking beautiful and I'm devastated. It wouldn't so much if they're love wasn't so beautiful.

Some other things I really enjoyed about the season:

Lucifer geeking out about magic! That was hilarious and I loved how he tried so hard to not know how the tricks worked.

All of Episode 3. I really enjoyed this episode for a variety of reasons. 1 being the funny craziness of the cartoon hell loop. I mean that was bonkers and I couldn't stop laughing. I loved it. I also loved seeing Lucifer under control of the hell loop and how he made it so Jimmy could be with him mom. But what I loved most about it is this glimpse into what I assume Chloe and Lucifer are doing post show (also kinda confirmed by Ildy and Joe). We see the two of them investigating people's (Jimmy Barnes') hell loops for answers to their guilt in order to help them move onto Heaven. I love that with all my heart. They both continue to help people, Lucifer using what he's learned from Linda to help them with their emotions and Chloe using her badass detective skills to find the answers. They're gonna help so many people.

Lucifer's realization that he ends up caring for people he tries to help and how that's actually a good thing. That it's something to embrace. He's come so far emotionally and I'm so proud of him.

Lucifer's to do list made me laugh so much. Look at this:

Become God

Prove I love Rory

Check in with Father Frank

Azrael's blade still secure?

Start calling Dan "Casper"

Rewatch Bones

Visit Sao Paulo

Try Golden Gate with Chloe First of all the second thing is to prove he loves Rory? AORABLE!! But what caught my eye next is check in with Father Frank. FATHER FRANK!! IS HE IN HELL?!?! DOES LUCIFER CHECK IN WITH HIM A LOT??? Rewatch Bones! Call Dan Casper! I don't even want to know what Golden Gate is XD

Dad!Lucifer. Oh my god I never expected to enjoy Lucifer as a dad as much as I did. Lucifer would have been the best dad and he proved that. The presents he would have given his daughter were perfect, the talks between the two of them, the love he has for Rory was palpable and beautiful. I mean he barely knew her for a few moments and he immediately fell in love with her and would do anything for her. He loved Rory so much and he so desperately wanted to be in her life and it KILLS me that he didn't get to do that. His face when she made him promise to not change things was DEVASTATING! He wanted to be her dad. He wanted to see her grow up. And he didn't get that chance!! I HATE THIS!!! He would have been/was the best dad ever! The montage of them spending the day together was perfection. Sumo wrestling, water balloon fights, shopping, snacks, watching Bones together, his face while listening to her talk about More Bones. It was perfect and exactly how Lucifer would be as a Dad. Fun, attentive, caring. I'm heartbroken.

All of Episode 9. This, to me, felt like the episode for us and the cast and the crew to say goodbye and I'm so grateful for it. Lucifer making the round and saying his goodbyes had me sobbing. I loved them all and I love that Lucifer got say all the things he felt to the people he loved most before he had to leave. Each one was so perfect. Him telling Linda how much he loved her and she is the "most wonderful friends that a devil could ever have". Him telling Ella he was sorry and how he didn't want to leave without her knowing again and the "Ella Lopez STEM Initiative"!!!! I'm gonna cry. Even when he's gone she'll never forget him because of this. Him giving Lux to Amenadiel and telling him that "of all our siblings, I am glad it's you I spent all this time on Earth with. Because you are my favorite brother, brother." I'm dead. Him telling Maze that she is his best friend and he's sorry he didn't always treat her that way. THEIR HUG! His final moment with Dan being the clincher in getting him to Heaven. AND THE FINAL BEACH DAY WITH CHLOE AND RORY WAS SO PERFECT I'M CRYING! The three of them on the drive, Chloe drinking too much champaign, the cuddling on the sand, Lucifer and Rory hugging and their whole talk about how he felt after his father abandoned him. I loved it so much. My only complaint is that I wanted a scene with Trixie too.

Lucifer's love of Bones was really on point this season. I love that detail.

Maze and Eve's wedding. WAS. BEAUTIFUL! I loved their dresses, Linda walking Maze down, Eve owning her own person, their vows, their love, their reception, Maze and Trixie doing their handshake, Dan attending, Lucifer and Chloe being all lovey dovey, Maze's demon family attending as zombies. I loved it all!

Ghost Dan was both crazy funny and so fucking sad. I'm glad he was still here this season and got this arc. Him working through his guilt and moving onto Heaven. I knew all along that Dan's guilt he hadn't worked on was him leaving Trixie and not being a good father to her since he avoided seeing her. I loved that he got a chance to talk to her and that she told him he was being a dummy and she loved him so much.

The music choices. I already lost it at Hazy Shade of Winter but then they went and chose BLACK PARADE for the final scene in Hell and as soon as that first note hit, the fucking G note, I sobbed even harder (as if that was possible).

Bob and Katya cameos!!!

And on that note, I loved all of Lucifer's singing moments. Always do.

Dan playing ping pong with Baliol

But for all the things I loved, there were a few I did not. It's bound to happen and even though they're big they don't change my overall positive feelings about the season.

Here are the things I didn't like:

No Trixie. We barely had any Trixie this season and I hate it. I'm very very happy she was at Maze and Eve's wedding but why was that basically it! Luci didn't even say goodbye to her! They should have had a goodbye scene! Actually, he didn't have any scenes with her in the whole season except forthat tiny scene at the wedding when she asks them when they're getting married and he flounders and she laughs. THAT'S ALL WE GOT!!! I WANTED MORE DAMMIT! SHE WASN'T EVEN THERE WHEN CHLOE DIED!! The scene when she talks to Dan killed me though. I loved that.

This is the biggie. The one that gives me an immense amount of pain and anguish when I think about it because it's so damn sad. Lucifer never gets to see his daughter grow up, never gets to have his family, never sees his family again when they're alive, never gets to spend his life with Chloe on Earth. I understand why he needed to go and stay away from Rory. I do. I get it. But it doesn't make it hurt any less that he spent so so long alone in Hell again. That Chloe had to raise Rory on her own. That Lucifer didn't get to be there for Chloe while she was pregnant, didn't get to see Rory be born, didn't get to be there for her first or watch her grow. And he wanted to be there soooooo badly. It hurts to think about. Does he at least get visits from Amenadiel during this time? Does he get to visit with everyone else, Chloe even, if Rory doesn't know about it? Does he get to know how they're doing? Do they all talk about Lucifer and say they miss him and hope he's okay? Does he get to go up to Heaven occasionally and visit Dan and Charlotte and his siblings? He and Chloe sacrificed so much, Lucifer literally giving up EVERYTHING, so that they're daughter would find her peace. I hate this. It hurts so much.

That's about it I guess. I'm pretty satisfied with everything else.

Oh here are some of my headcanons I use to ease the pain in heart (which turns out both Ildy and Joe all but confirmed after I thought of them but before I could post them. So yay for that!):

Lucifer did stop by and visit Earth during those years as long as he was sure Rory wouldn't find out. A few minutes here and there to see Linda and Charlie, Maze and Eve, and if he could, a few moments with Chloe. Maybe sent notes or stole a few minutes alone with her. All that matter was Rory not knowing it. And if that really couldn't happen then....

Amenadiel visits his brother all the time. He tells him about his family in Earth. How they're doing, what they've been up to, if they're safe happy and healthy. He tells him all about chloe and rory and  brings tons of photos so even though he can't be there in person, he still knows how their lives are.

After Chloe dies and joins him in hell they occassionally take vacations. Now, chloe can't go to earth cause she's dead but they can go to heaven. So they vacation there. Lucifer flies her up and they visit with their family and then have beach days or dance or whatever their heart desires until they go back. Maybe they all have a party together.

Lux is now a part of Hell and is where they live happily together. Since he has control over hell loops he made one into Lux.

After Chloe dies, Rory flies to be with her family in hell as well and she and Lucifer spend eons making up for the time they both missed out on.

Rory and Lucifer go to Earth and check in on Trixie all the time.

Deckerstar spend an eternity happy, helping people work through their guilt and move on to Heaven.

[bigskydreaming]

remember when devin grayson wrote about green arrow flirting with teenager dick grayson and then bruce and dick have an incestuous relationship............................

Listen, I have no idea what this ask says, I just see a string of random letters followed by dot dot dot. 

In completely unrelated matters, the only dynamic between Dick and Ollie I abide by is one where the nicest thing Dick’s ever said to Ollie is something like “hey why does your face look like you killed a squirrel and glued it to your chin, is that what you were going for or do people just not like you and so nobody ever told you til now that that’s what it looks like.”

And even there, that’s still just the best Dick could manage (or was willing to even aim for) after Bruce gave Dick a totally and one hundred percent genuine and sincere Talking To about how he needed to be more polite to Ollie. Cuz the way I envision it, all that’s after Dick initially opened with something like, idk, “hey wanna hear a funny joke, it goes “what do you call a known Errol Flynn fanboy who thinks putting on a domino mask when he fights crime with a bow and arrow like, magically makes his goatee invisible? A dumbass who doesn’t get how secret identities work, that’s what. Get it, its you, you’re the joke.”

LOL for the record, I don’t actually hate Ollie and have no really strong opinions on him one way or another, it usually just depends on how he’s being written in whatever story or issue I’m reading with him. Its just canon that Ollie is like, one of the few people that Dick just openly can not stand, pretty much, with this stretching back far enough that personally, I like to headcanon it goes all the way back to even before Ollie took Roy in and has absolutely nothing to do with Roy whatsoever.

Idk, its just really fucking funny to me to picture that like, for whatever reason, ten year old Dick Grayson decided upon meeting the Justice League that they were all awesome except for Oliver Queen. Dick doesn’t know why, he doesn’t care why, he just knows that like, “I do not care for that Oliver Queen guy, not one bit, and no, I am not open to constructive criticism on this matter, UGH BRUCE STOP TELLING ME I SHOULD AT LEAST TRY AND BE NICER TO HIM, I SAID HE WAS A BUTTFACE AND I MEANT IT, WHERE’S THE CONFUSION.”

Because see, while Ollie is not Actually The Worst, he IS one of the League heroes who is prideful and petty enough to like, absolutely take offense to someone hating his guts for no discernible reason, while considering this more than reason enough to hate their guts right back. Even if that particular someone happens to have both miles and years left to go before they hit either puberty or the top side of five feet tall, and thus in the meanwhile, Ollie must literally lower himself in every sense of the word in order to return fire at his pint-sized and prepubescent critic.

Like, if Dick for whatever reason decided he just doesn’t like Superman or the Flash and he’s not gonna and you can’t make him, then I mean, Clark or Barry or someone else along those lines would just be like, oh, okay, that’s fair I guess. No, its totally fine Bruce, the adorable little human incarnation of glitter, cotton candy and all things Cute and Precious and Wee that you just took in is allowed to hate me if he wants to, its absolutely *wheezing sob* not a big deal. I’m a big boy, I don’t need you to intercede on my behalf with him. Now if anyone needs me, I’ll be wallowing in my room for the next 84 years, trying to figure out if I was some kind of monstrous puppy-kicker in a previous lifetime and that’s why my fate here in this one is to be despised by a ten year old with the superpower of Absolute Preciousness. Its my punishment, clearly, for being just the worst kind of monster to ever exist, the only kind that could actually be hated by someone like your adorable little Fun-Sized sidekick of joy and sunshine and l-l-laughter......no, don’t look at me, I’m hideous! *bursts into tears and scurries away to hide from the light*

But see now, Ollie, on the other hand, like.....he’s not a monster but he’s not about to let even some paragon of preciousness go around painting him as one. Why the fuck does he spend so much money on publicists if he’s just gonna roll over belly-side up the first time one of the people bad-mouthing him just happens to be like, a toddler instead of the usual TMZ?

So Ollie’s not about to admit that he’s actually miffed and even a little bit wounded that this cherub who seems to like even most supervillains more than he likes Ollie, just like, can not seem to be in his presence longer than sixty seconds before drawing his weapons and stabbing Ollie with words that hurt, dammit, because he has feelings too, y’know, he spent a lot of money on pricey therapists figuring out that yes, those are feelings he’s feeling and he can even name some of them.....

Like, he’s not quite on board with actually ACKNOWLEDGING that hey this stings, and that he really just wants to know what the hell this kid’s deal is and why don’t you like me, tiny human, what did I ever even do to you??? But all of that is like......Advanced Level Therapy stuff that he hasn’t quite gotten around to finishing yet at this point in time. Like yeah he’s already dropped a mint on the A-list of the head-shrinking world by now, but apparently he was supposed to keep coming back or something like that, they all keep making a really big deal about that for some reason, and look, he’s been busy. So he really just hasn’t had the time to finish up the course on How To Make Peace With the Fact That Sometimes Tiny Humans Don’t Like Me Even Though I’m A Fucking Delight, Dammit.

But even if the why of this kid getting under his skin so much eludes him for the nonce, Ollie is perfectly clear on one thing: he doesn’t typically go around making enemies of the twelve and under set, but if you prick him, he doth in fact bleed, you little prick. So if this knee-high nightmare is gonna keep coming at me and trying to start shit, then I am more than willing to throw down, is basically Ollie’s take here. 

“He wants to dance? Then c’mon, let’s do this thing. We can dance if he wants to. I’ve got the time,” Ollie says to himself and any other nearby Justice Leaguer who might be looking at him with that swiftly-becoming-familiar expression of mingled judgment, pity, exasperation and something a bit more ambiguous but which probably lands somewhere in the ballpark of “We honestly don’t know what to make of all of this but we’re all a little concerned This Is Not A Good Look, Bro. And also, we would like to formally request by way of this petition with all 200+ signatures of Leaguers and auxiliary members and support staff: please don’t escalate this into something where Batman might actually kill you, because that’s definitely not gonna make any of this less awkward for the rest of us, and uh....not to be indelicate here, but all those times we’ve all said things like no Ollie, we don’t think Bruce is a better fighter than you and we absolutely agree with you, you could totally maybe take him in a fair fight if you had your bow and arrows on you and he had the flu probably.....like. Umm. How to put this....Okay, soooooo....here’s the thing. There may, perhaps, ever so slightly be a possibility slash definite hardcore certainty that there were fib-like qualities to those conversations. A little bit. Oh hey, look at the time, we gotta run, there’s a fire somewhere, hopefully. Lol wait whoops did we say hopefully, that’s so weird like where did that even come from. We definitely meant to say probably. There’s a fire somewhere, probably."

But look, at the end of the day, the thing is, Headcanon Ollie is not like, proud of any of this, but he’s not unproud of it either. He is hashtag justified and he wouold appreciate some validation of that Ugly Truth, even if it might go against the grain and not ever exactly be a POPULAR opinion with the “please don’t tell the ten year old that nuh uh, his face looks like a hairy butthole, nobody wins there, that is not the victory you are looking for” crowd.

Honestly though, at this point Ollie’s list of Big Asks is quite small. Miniscule, even. All he wants, all he really really wants, is for someone, anyone, to join him in grasping the one essential corn kernel at the heart of this whole clusterfuck. The thing that nobody but Ollie seems to get and that Ollie’s pretty sure would be enough to allow him to die happily, if he could just manage to find one other person to sign on to the one single extremely obvious observation he keeps trying to point out to everyone, with a whole lot of nada to show for it:

Because see, the one thing about all of this that drives Ollie just absolutely up a wall, is that for some reason he can’t seem to get anyone to understand that like.....this whoooooole ridiculous mess, just like, even in terms of its very existence in the first place?

None of it is Ollie’s fault.

Dick started it!

Mere moments after frustratedly trying to convey this to Dinah for the umpteenth million bajillionth time:

“Okay, could you at least say something?” Ollie asked exasperatedly. “Anything? Seriously, I would take you counting to ten in Cantonese as an acceptable response at this point.”

“I’m just trying to decide which concerns me more,” Dinah said at last. Several epochs and the equivalent of the entire Jurassic Period later. But whatever, its not like Ollie was holding his breath at this point or anything. “The fact that you are genuinely trying to find and occupy the moral high ground in your feud with....a ten year old. Or that you actually think you’ve found it. That this is it, this is what that looks like. ‘The ten year old started it.’”

That was apparently all Dinah had to say. She fell silent again, and said silence lingered through a recreation of now the entire Cretaceous Period, before continuing into a revival of the whole Paleozoic Era from start to torturous finish.

“Well?” Ollie said with a patience that belied the urgency of the many pressing matters he had to attend to. Like the vanquishing of a ten year old archnemesis most foul.

Dinah just continued to frown pensively.

“Hang on, I’m still deciding.”

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 08 + 09.11.20 lbs

08.11.20

lmaoooooooo i really love the ice cold way siya operates in. truly a raisinghania sib!

“siya chal sakti hai!!!” behen, iss ghar mein tumhare dimaag ki alaava sab kuch chalta hai.

dadi trying to cheer raja band baja hua beta up with his favt. chole bhature. he doesn't seem like the kind who'd eat that kinda food, but ok.

CHOLE BHATURE ARE NOT CHEERING HIM UP. MATLAB MAAMLA SERIOUS HAIIIIII.

lmao he's literally twisting and turning in place like kids do when they have a tantrum. i mean, i like it. it shows a more human side to the character, ki just how much anguish and helplessness he's feeling.

dadi like babe, you can't control everything in life, stop being such a bloody control freak ki things not going your way turn you like this.

blah blah anguished rant on how he lost something so important to him.

dadi giving cliche ~~~if it's meant to be yours, it'll come back to you~~~ advice. which is kinda working on him. huh. all kindsa out of sorts behaviour.

“jab tuney kisi ke saath galat nahi kiya hai, toh tere saath galat kyun hoga?” uh okkkkkkkkkkk, that's not how life works. bad shit happens to good ppl all the time. also, he's done lotsa galat shit ok. what did riddhima do for this fucker to paralyse her huh?????? YEH SAB USSI KA NATEEJA HAI. BHUGAT AB.

carbs therapy. BEST HAI. ALWAYS WORKS. IT'S SCIENCE, BITCHES.

dadi saying why don't you talk to riddhima about your issues, and lol he's whining about she dgaf about him coz she left him alone last night when he asked her not to.

dadi left praying ki hey bhagwaan these two fucks’ relationship is in your hands now, this is beyond human interference.

kabir being informed of new developments and accusation of kidnapping ragini is being heaped on siya. BASED ON WHAT EVIDENCE YOU STUPID TWIT??????? THAT SHE CAN WALK??????? SO CAN EVERYONE ELSE YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!

“mujhe usse vansh ke aage expose karna hoga.” LMAO BITCH EXPOSE YOURSELF FIRSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

“tum kya mujhe expose karogi? expose toh main tumhe karungi!” YES SIYAAAAAAAAA FUCK  HER UPPPPPPPPPP

NOICE. WE LOVE A FIERCEASS SISTER WHO’S READY TO KILL FOR HER SIBLINGS. ESP. WHEN IT’S THE SCARY BIG BROTHER WHO’S EVERYONE’S PROTECTOR.

siya saying she just miraculously got cured a few days ago, and was waiting to surprise everyone. sounds sus, but whatever.

but also what kinda terrribleasssssss physiotherapist is riddhima that she didn’t even identify her patient’s progress?????

LMAO SIYA POL KHOLING OF VANSH BHAIYYA SAYING HE MADE HER DO ALL THE SHADY MASK SHIT. “TO KEEP RIDDHIMA SAFE”. haaaan behen, khooooob safe rakha tumne, baar baar behosh karke. pehle se hi iska dimaag nahi chalta, now you’ve managed to give her some kinda degenerative brain disease.

i love how vansh didn’t bother to ask siya how she stopped riddhima’s plans and knocked her out multiple times if she’s in a wheelchair. there’s literally only one person in a wheelchair in this house?!?!?!!!!!! wouldn’t riddhima KNOW who the person in the mask is???? god vansh. you’re such a dumbass.

lellllllllllllllllllllllllll i am livingggggggggg for siya reading riddhima to filth with a knife in her hand THIS IS THE BEST SCENE OF THIS SHOW YET. esp in her small, child-like voice, it’s fucking amazing.

riddhima admitted to being a spy, AND SIYA RECORDED IT ALSO. OMFG SHE’S MY NEW FAVE CHARACTER I LOVE HER THE MOST.

i wish vansh was the person he is to siya, instead of the fucker he actually is. she literally thinks the worldddddddddddd of him. ugh, i am so soft for this relationshippppppp.

but i also wanna know what the ishani/siya relationship is like? we hardlyyyyyy see them interact. like, we even see aryan push her wheelchair around sometimes, but ishani neverrrrrrr interacts with siya. why????

ugh riddhima managed to convince her that she really cares for vansh and is trying to do the right thing. she’s literally asking her to kill her rn if she doesn’t trust her. baby sis you’re farrrrrrrrr too trusting.

“mera dimaag tumpe trust karne se rok raha hai, riddhima, par jiss dil ne tumhe bhaabi bola haina, woh tumhe ek mauka dena chahta hai. ek aakhri mauka. iss baar mera bharosa mat todna. 24 ghante hai tumhare paas. apni taqdeer badal sako toh badal lo warna yeh audio main vansh bhaiyya ko suna doongi.” SERIOUSLY, WHERE WERE THEY HIDING THIS MOST SAYAANI CHARACTER OF THE SHOW TILLLLLL NOW????????!

riddhima has a condition for siya too. i think i know what it is.

omg vansh IS COLLAR PAKADKE YELLING AT ANGRE IN THE WORST WAYYYYYYY POSSIBLE. god vansh, you’re honestly the fucking worstttttttttttttttttttt. angre you need to take up work with someone else, istg, you don’t deserve this shit. kabir treats his sidekick so much better. yet another point in the kitty for kabir >>>>>> vansh.

seriously, why would you wanna blindfold this dude when he’s in THIS mood????? save it for the bedroom, sis.

empty wheelchair dekh ke he’s yelling at everrrrrrrryone ki how could they leave siya alone somewhere. god. i can’t imagine having to live with such a toxic personality.

everyone in the house is soooooo happy for siya. like, aryan’s not beaming as much as the others, but he does look kinda pleased. BECAUSE SIYA IS BEST CHARACTERRRRRRR OF THIS SHOW EVERYONE LOVESSSS HERRRRR.

oh my heart, i am so softttttttt for sibling shit like this. he’s hugging her with suchhhhhhhhhhhh fierceeee affection, i’m crying happy tearsssssss.

heart eyes for riddhima who supposedly cured her. pls. she did nothing. jo bhi karna tha, siya ne khud kiya hai. iss ridhimma manhoos ko jasoosi se kab fursat mili to do PT with siya and cure her???

siya being gracious and giving credit though. ugh, honestly, this show and this family don’t deserve siya.

lmao she’s saying vansh brought riddhima in though, so actually allll the credit goes to bhaiyya for intimidating this poor woman into treating his sister against her will.

THE AFFECTION. THE SHEER MAGNITUDE OF HIS LOVE FOR HERRRR. I CRIEEE. THIS IS THE ONLY RELATIONSHIP THAT MATTERS TO ME IN THIS GODFORSAKEN SHOW.

anupriya giving some fakeass congrats. i hope siya tells vansh that she was the one who pushed her down the stairs a while back. aur kuch nahi toh just for that vansh is gonna kill her dead.

riddhima and vansh still all tense and sad about the ragini thing. OUFF JUST LIVE IN THE MOMENT YOU FUCKS.

I LOVE HER. I FUCKING LOVE HER. BEST RAISINGHANIA HAI YEH.

———————————————————————

09.11.20

riddhima back at kabir’s to try and find ragini. ughhhhhhhhh i’m just so done with this nonsense. we already KNOW that kabir and anupriya still have her based on the precap from like 2, 3 days ago.

lol kabir is so pissed at riddhima and her dimaag chalaana. a mood we ALL share.

kabir trying to turn riddhima against siya and riddhima’s like NOOOO SHE COULD NEVER, “USKI AANKHEIN USKI AWAAAZ SAAF SAAF KEH RAHI THI KI WOH SACH BOL RAHI HAI!” uh huh, yeah, like kabir’s are rn????? and vansh’s were before he paralysed you? just a suggestion i’m throwing out there: is it possible that perhaps, just maybe, you’re just very fucking stupid, riddhima, and tend to trust people too easily????

OUFF I’M SO BORED WITH THIS SCENE. we already know from the precap that ragini will knock down a vase but riddhima will never find out what caused it and kabir will make some lame excuse she’ll believe. FWDING TO NEXT.

JESUS CHRISTTTTTTTT, SIYA IS JUST WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE RANDOMLY LISTENING TO THAT AUDIO CLIP OF RIDDHIMA’S CONFESSION. AND SHE WALKS RIGHT INTO VANSH, WHO’S LIKE HUH, WHAT’S THAT RIDDHIMA IS SAYING?????

siya brushes it off saying its exercise stuff for her PT. sure. uh huh.

OH MY HEART HE GOT HER HEEEEEEELS, WHICH SHE’S ALWAYSSSSSSS WANTED. THIS BHAIYYA-BABY RELATIONSHIP IS GONNA TAKE ME DOWN GODDAMNITTTT. ITNE DIN BAAAAAAAAAAAD ITNI ACHCHI SIBLING FEELS MILI HAI ITV SEEEEEEE.

bhaiyya knows baby enough ki she’s hiding something from himmm. oh noeeeeeeeeeee.

damn, siya a real one. didn’t give out riddhima’s secret coz she wants to give her a fair chance. again, this show does not deserve this character. she’s too good for it.

she says she just believes in him and knows he’ll find whoever murdered mom. 

SOFT. SO SOFT. MY HEART IS SO FULL WHENEVER THESE TWO SHOW LOVE TO EACH OTHERRRRR.

idhar ragini ki marammat shuru. y’all are just exhausting me with this bs. isse maarna hai toh maaro already. ainvayi mein time waste.

oh dangggggggg, ragini batting for riddhima. saying i know she’ll fuck y’all up. dang, we love the sisterhood feels of this episode!

“aap ke liye SPECIAL INTEZAAM kiya hai maine.” said with the most polite customer service obsequiousness. I LOVE THIS PSYCHOPATH THE MOSTTTTTTTTTT.

ragini warning them that once vansh finds out everything, they’re as good as dead. wow, spunky!!!! dude i like her as a female lead better than stupid fucking riddhima. 

“hmmmmmm, you’re right. lekin usse batayega kaun???” honestly, why do i love his deranged ass so much????

anyway mishra has been delegated the task of stashing her somewhere else i guess. so it’s settled that mishra knows he’s not working for the CBI or whatever and is just a hired goon.

dadi is organizing YET ANOTHER POOJA. lordddddd.

this riddhima and her dumbass mandir jaana excuse that she uses constantly.

“bhagwaan tum jaisi bahu sab ko de!” OMFG DADI PLS, GOD FORBID. ISSE ACHCHA AAPKE BETE KUNWAARE MARR JAAYE!

ugh dadi your bloody pota needs a fucking therapist, it isn’t in riddhima’s hands to fix his 1001 mental issues.

great, mangalsutra almost broke. foreshadowing.

ughhhhh mummy managed to steal the memory card from aryan. FUCKING IDIOT I THOUGHT YOU HAD PUT IT IN THE BLOODY BANK ALREADY, BUT NO. HE WAS STILL HOLDING ON TO IT AND TALKING ABOUT IT LOUDDDDDDDDLY ON THE PHONE. jesusssss, why he so fuckinggggg stupid????

oh now vansh is exclaiming GREATTTTTTT JOB ANGREEEE as if he didn’t tell him to GTFO, THE VERY SIGHT OF YOU DISGUSTS ME yesterday. fuck, i really hate vansh as anything but a brother to siya.

aaaaaaand riddhima was standing behind him and he turned around and in a veryyyyyyy contrived move got his watch caught in her mangalsutra and broke it.

sis freaking about THE APSHAGUN!!!!!!!!!!!

he’s like arre nahi achcha shagun hai, angre got the cctv footage now i’ll know who kidnapped ragini! and sis is like OH GOD NO THE BAD LUCK IS STARTING ALREADY I’M SO DEADDDDDDD

“toh main tumhe kho dungi.”

lmao his face. literally the white guy blinking meme.

god she’s having a freakout about how their shaadi and rishta is in khatra. BITCH THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MS AND INSTEAD THE MOUNTAIN OF LIES YOU ARE SITTING ON AND YOUR EK DARJAN KE INCOMPATIBILITY ISSUES AS INDIVIDUALS.

”tum jaanti ho riddhima, tumahra ek ek aansoon mere liye kitna keemti hain? aisa lagta hai jaise mere dil ke ek tukde ko tod ke alag kar diya ho.”

OH YEAH????? DIDN’T FEEL ANYTHINGGGGG WHEN YOU PARALYSED HER HUH????????? IT’S GONNA BE A LONGASSSSS TIME BEFORE I GET OVER THAT, BITCH BOY.

yeah yeah ok this is a nice moment and all. WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THIS DUDE, HUH?????? WHY’D YOU HAVE TO RUIN ALLLLLLLLLL THE GOOD WILL YOU BUILT UP BY KARWA CHAUTH IN ONEEEEEEE MOMENTTTTTTT?????? fuck, i hate you tellywood men and the shit they put my stupid heart through.

only bappa ki aarti shall fix things now. based on the promo and BTS i’ve seen, things about to get reallllllly realllllllly bad but............ lol let’s wait and watch.

ragini managed to sneak mishra’s phone outta his pocket. SEE????? SO ENTERPRISING!!!!!! I LIKE HER SO MUCH MORE THAN RIDDHIMA. GOD VANSH, THIS IS THE GIRL YOU SHOULD HAVE MARRIED. SHE’S REALLY THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY.

she’s callllllllllling vanshhhh. BUT AARTI KI WAJAAH SE HE CAN’T HEAR THE PHONEEEEEE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

here, have some dhaarmik #couple goals to take the edge off the anxiety till the next episode.

———————————————————————

precap: omfg ragini got through to riddhima and she almost told her that kabir is behind kidnapping her, but kabir got to her and attacked her from the back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOUBLE OMFG SIYA OVERHEARD MUMMY ON THE PHONE BRAGGING ABOUT KILLING THEIR MOM AND CALLS VANSH TO TELL HIM ABOUT IT!!!!! LIKE SHE TOLD HIM THE NAME ALL CLEARLY AND THAT SHE HEARD IT FIRSTHAND!!!!!!!! VANSH SEEMS TO BE GIVING NO REACTION THO????????????

TELL ME THAT BOTH THESE PHONE CALLS WERE NOT MADE ON SOME FUCKING GHATIYA NETWORK LIKE IDEA AND THE REQUIRED PPL HEAR EVERYTHING THEY NEED TO!!!!!!!! (high hopes, i know. 😔😔😔)

[never-not-ever]

mini update

Where do I even begin? How far back do I even go🤔 

(I started typing up paragraphs and then realized it was way too fucking long so here’s the short version aka bullets..)

After last Summer’s residential/inpatient fiasco I returned to work in September as full time. A few weeks later I started the process to get weight loss surgery. I’ve been overweight my whole life. I have tried many different things, many different times and it never works. There’s a lot of stigma around weight loss surgery and I’ve actually never mentioned it on here before because of it so please be kind. I’ve tried twice before to get it but each time I got denied cause of my psychiatric history. This time however I went to a different hospital and although I was totally honest (including the hospitalization this past Summer) they still approved me for surgery. I was shocked and in disbelief and saw this as my one and only shot at losing weight for good and couldn't let anything get in the way of this opportunity. 

But in October I started self harming again and got depressed. I only managed to stop/try to get better so that I wouldn’t jeopardize my surgery. I literally told myself back then “fake it til you get the surgery, stop self harming, get to January and then once you get your surgery you can go back to doing whatever you want”. 

But the fake happiness and recovery turned real. I actually started to feel better around the holidays. 

I started sign language class on January 9th and the week after I got the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy on January 14th.

I was supposed to only be out for 3 weeks but it almost became 4 because I got calcific tendonitis in my shoulder and couldn't move it. 

So I stopped my sign language class because at the time I couldn't even raise my right hand to sign and that’s my dominant hand. It was shitty excuse though, I probably could have just attended and learned and used my other hand. I feel even more guilty now cause a week after I stopped class I got more movement back in my arm after getting a cortisone shot. 

After 2 weeks of being out of work I noticed old habits forming again. Not wanting to leave my room and just wanting to sleep more. Then one day the hospital was on my mind a lot. When I actually had to go to the hospital for my shoulder it was at MGH and I’ve been to that ER countless times before for psych reasons. So slowly but surely I started to get triggered. All my relapses always remind me of the quote “gradually then suddenly, that’s how depression hits”. It was gradual at first and then overnight things got drastically worse. 

I finally went back to work on February 8th and the week I returned to work I started to notice my mood dropping and urges coming back. 

A week later I self harmed for the first time since October. It’s been 3 weeks now and it’s been nonstop ever since. It’s never been this bad before and it’s gotten so much worse from what used to be considered “really bad” for me. 

I still go to my DBT group twice a week and see my therapist once a week. It’s been over a week now since the suicidal urges have started up again. Yes my therapist knows. I have to fill out a weekly diary card and I’ve always been completely honest with her. 

This whole relapse didn't start because of this but in June my therapist is graduating (she’s currently a resident, I first had her as a psychiatrist) and she’s moving to a different part of the hospital so unfortunately we have to end things in a few months. The thought of this hadn't even crossed my mind until I started spiraling but now it’s all I can think about. I know this relapse is unrelated because if she were to say to me “hey I can continue to be your therapist but you have to commit to not ever self harming again” I wouldn't be able to agree. It’s gotten so addictive this time around and I’m hellbent on making it the worst it’s ever been and I don’t even care anymore about the scars.

I stopped taking my antidepressant about a week ago and I’m going to ask about going on a different one the next time I see her which is Tuesday and I can’t wait because she was on vacation this week. 

I honest to god feel like the hospital is on the horizon whether I go there willingly (fat chance), get sectioned or after a failed suicide attempt which for the record, as suicidal as I am now I do not have a plan. I really don’t want a repeat of April 2016 where I vaguely posted about being suicidal on here and someone called the cops and they showed up unexpectedly at my house. The only thing keeping me going right now is my therapy appointments and that being said I need to make it to my next appointment so I can guarantee you that I am safe for now. 

I’m really stressed out at work cause I might go back to a store I managed last May/June permanently and that scares the shit out of me because right now where I’m struggling as bad as I am I’m worried that if I have to take another leave of absence it’ll be harder if I’m the actual manager of a store versus floating around not really needed. As a floater I’m an extra set of hands and I’m easily replaceable/not really needed. Technically yes they could find coverage for me if I became the manager of a store and had to leave but I don’t want to go just to have to leave a few weeks later. I’m not planning nor have I ever in the past but I genuinely feel like I’m going to be leaving work very shortly and I’d rather take precaution about it and stay in my current position than be handed more responsibility and be a let down.

Soooooo that brings us full circle and that’s what you missed on Glee!

[dreamwritesimagines]

chapter 3, let’s go! probs gonna be the last i do tonight, cause it’s late and i have a lab tomorrow morning soooooo…. yeah…

my boy curtis!!!!! oh i love this man. he’s the only one with at least two functioning braincells. he literally runs a daycare for these kids (yes that includes frank, because i said so). honestly, we all need a curtis in our lives. he’s funny, he’s smart, he’s sensitive and he knows how to keep a secret.

the flashback made me tear up. they literally act like a couple. people perceive them as a couple. how blind can they fucking be?! also, maria, my darling, i love you so much.

‘what’s there not to afford, your hair products?’ SKITTLES, BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE KILLER BLOWS. omg, love, might be one of the best lines in this entire fic.

not skittles literally saying that bill would only present to them the girl he’s marry and then being too blind to realize she’s talking about herself… come on girl, you’re supposed to be smart.

skittles is jealous that billy has a girlfriend. still willing to play blind, sugar plum?

curtis knowing when to mind his own business is something i need people to do in my life. gosh. good friendship. also, him commenting about billy’s love for the drama. this shit’s gonna become a recurrent theme.

ooooooooh right. the fiancé’s name is carter…. that’s so bland….. lol

‘i love you charming’ what is he, fucking toilet paper? skittles, come on girlie, you can do better than that.

the vibes of skittles and billy in a shitty bar are immaculate. she must look so out of place though. btw, what was her style? like how does she dress herself? we’ve seen what her mother makes her wear but not really ho she dresses herself, except that she refuses to wear jeans. does that means she rocks the pantsuits often????? please tell me it does…

not billy throwing shit about the fact that ‘his girlfriend is the only one who cares about him’. boy, she’s your therapist. she should be stripped of her licence to practice psychology/psychiatry just because of that, amongst all the fucked up shit…

they way they know each other and bounce of each other is beautiful. i wish i could have that but unlike skittles, my childhood best friend turned out to be an asshole that i am still forced to see almost every single day soooo yeah… (oops, trauma dumb!) the way that she knows not to push him because he will close up and ignore what she asks and the way he knows that she’s constantly living in shock.

skittles being in brand and shading the shitty beer as if she can’t see the ambiance… queen behaviour.

Omg loveeee you made my day with this, I can't thank you enough! 😱❤ you're amazing! ❤

Oh Curtis is the only calm and responsible person among them 😂

Loll they acted so much like a couple and I have this HC that after that night, Maria told Frank they would end up together ❤ And Frank was like "Too bad they're both oblivious idiots" 😂❤

Oh Skittles has no problem with dragging Billy 😂

She was so jealous even if she had an actual fiance 😂

Drama is fun though! 😂😂

I feel like she wears a lot of dresses and omg pantsuits?! 😱😱 Great idea! ❤❤ She would make sure to pick eye-catching pieces and always high heels 😈

Billy is still bitter over the fact that she wasn't at the hospital ❤

Awww I'm sorry to hear that! 💔 I hope things feel better honey❤❤

Thank you so much for this comment, it is incredibly nice of you! ❤

[trans-shuichisaihara]

“not everyone is going to hurt you." Saioumota please

so this is… vaguely saioumota? like the endgame plan is for them to get together but this is Before that soooooo

but i’ve been wanting to continue working on this series for a while so this was a good excuse to (this takes place a few weeks after this fic (24), so reading that first might help with some context, but long story short: fix-it ch5 au where they escape the school and are now in the “care” of TDR)

“This is starting to become a problem, Shuichi.”

Kaito’s words were met with a blank, confused stare. “What is?”

He gestured to the room, the bathroom filled with things belonging in a bedroom. Blankets, pillows, clothes, hell even food. “You’re basically livin’ in here; can’t you tell that’s not healthy?”

Shuichi drew back, looking like he was trying to hide in the blanket he had wrapped around his shoulders. “I just feel safer in here. I, I’m not in here all the time.”

“Harumaki says she hasn’t seen you since Tuesday. And I know you hate the therapist, but-”

“I’m sorry,” he interrupted, softly, “I’ll, I’ll talk to Harukawa-san later, I promise, but I have nothing to say to the staff here. I just want them to leave us alone.” He turned away, retreating into his makeshift bed to escape the conversation.

In the doorway, Ouma gave him an “I told you so” look. Though he’d been the one to bring up Shuichi’s behavior to Kaito, he vocalized having no intent of stopping it. Of course, that could be a lie; he was still hovering around, almost as if he was concerned.

He looked back, bracing himself for another attempt. “You know they’re not going to let us leave until we’re all better; that includes you.”

“They don’t care about our well-being,” Shuichi mumbled back, “They just want to know why- how we ruined their game.”

How. That was still the question on Kaito’s mind too, the answer known only by the one who wouldn’t share. He wanted so desperately to ask, to ask why he wrote such morbid things in his journal, but asking would be admitting to invading his privacy, betraying his trust. The guilt ate at him in the nights when Shuichi would cling to him as if he was his lifeline.

He shook off those thoughts. He needed to focus. “If they didn’t care, they’d’ve just thrown us back in.”

“The audience wouldn’t like that,” he sighed in response, “They celebrated our escape as a massive victory for ‘Hope’.” His words were laced with a venom that brought to mind eyes filled with hatred.

“Just give it up, Momota-chan. You’re not going to be able to talk sense into Saihara-chan.”

An anger boiled in his chest. “I won’t give up! Not until I make him see that not everyone is going to hurt us!”

Ouma narrowed his eyes, his lips curled up somewhere in between a sneer and a grimace. “And to him, that’s a lie.”

Kaito frowned. “A lie?”

“No.” Shuichi sat up straighter. “As I said, they don’t care about hurting us. But I’m not going to cooperate with the people behind the game that killed our friends and so many more.”

Ouma tilted his head, humming softly. “So, where did you learn about Team Danganronpa in the first place?”

He didn’t answer, looking away again. Ouma sighed in annoyance.

An epiphany hit him. Kaito’s breath caught, and he lowered himself down to sit beside his sidekick. “You’re afraid of something. Something other than them.”

Perhaps that was too assertive; Shuichi flinched, answering Kaito’s statement with a quick denial. Ouma finally pulled himself into the room fully, closing the door behind him.

He dropped his voice to hopefully be more soothing. He didn’t like scaring him. “C'mon Shuichi, how many times I gotta say it. Your problems are my problems. You can trust me; I won’t laugh.”

“I, I know that, but…” He paused, resting his chin on his knees. “I trust you, but I can’t, I can’t talk about it. It’s just a thought, it’s nothing real.” It sounded more like he was trying to convince himself than Kaito, swallowing down the emotions that had risen to the surface. Maybe it was his own familiarity with the feeling than sudden detective-like perception that allowed him to notice it.

But if he wouldn’t talk, there was nothing that could be done. He couldn’t fight Shuichi’s battles for him, and he could only offer support to someone willing to accept it. He thought he was going to end up proud the first time Shuichi declined support, from the way things had been going, but now… Now, he just felt confused and hurt.

He glanced over to Ouma, almost hoping he would have something useful to say.

“Hm, wellllll, I dunno; they did a preeeeetty good job making us believe all that stuff in the Killing Game was real, so maybe you shouldn’t underestimate your own thoughts.” He pulled himself off the wall, walking over to plop himself down in-between the two of them. “But if you trust Momota-chan too much to tell him, maybe you can tell someone you don’t trust as much and he can pretend not to listen.” That was a unique way of putting it. Should he be insulted?

Shuichi shifted uneasily. “That’s… not the problem.”

“And I think you’re a bad liar, Saihara-chan, sooooo-”

Kaito rolled his eyes and cut him off by covering his mouth. “Ignore him. Just know I’m here if you want to talk, al- Ouma, you fucker!” He jerked his hand away at the slobbery sensation of spit being licked onto his hand.

The brat fucking giggled at his annoyance, maneuvering himself to drape across Shuichi’s feet. “You should’ve seen that coming, Momota-chan! But anywayyyy, my offer from earlier’s still open whenever you’re ready, Saihara-chan. But I guess we’ll continue to keep you company in this bathroom even if it’s kinda a dump.”

Shuichi swallowed. “You don’t, you don’t need to do that.”

“I’m not hearing a ‘no, please go away’ so I guess I’m staying!”

Kaito wiped his hand on his pants, leaning forward to roll Ouma away from them. “Don’t be annoying.” He had to say though, he liked this Ouma a lot more than the one that laughed gleefully as he submitted to the Killing Game to preserve his own life. The one that lashed out and terrorized them to cement the idea that he was the mastermind into their heads.

He was sure Shuichi felt the same, as he weakly objected to Kaito’s label of annoying. “It’s fine, Momota-kun, he’s not… He’s fine.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Kaito was thankful that Ouma knew how to shut up on occasion, because there was tons of things nagging at him that he wanted to think about. One of which that he wanted to address now. “Y’know, I wouldn’t, uh, I’d be fine if you wanted to call me ‘Kaito’ instead. Since, you know, I’m callin’ you ‘Shuichi’ and all…” He scratched the back of his head, trying to ignore the surprised look on his face.

“O-Okay, um, Kaito,” Shuichi quietly stuttered out, as if he was saying something wrong. On the ground in front of them, Ouma pouted.

“When do I get to be on a first name basis with my beloved Momo-chan and Saihara-chan?”

“What the hell’d you just call me?!”

“Ooooo, Momo-chan’s so scaryyyy, protect me!” He bounced to his feet, leaping across the room to grab one of the pillows to fling in Kaito’s direction. It hit his shoulder with little to no force, but that didn’t stop him from flinging it back with far more force than necessary.

On the sideline of their spontaneous pillow fight, Shuichi visibly relaxed, letting out a small chuckle.

Maybe they could chalk this up to a victory after all.

[irrelevant-ghost]

i wanna know your story

I guess it is time to tell everyone what I’ve been through so farWhen I was in elementary school I was a much more social kid. I’d talk to other kids, play with other kids, hang out with other kids. Though, the boys started to bully me around third grade and in fifth the girls followed. It bothered me when it happened and then I forgot about it, but after it recurring so many times i started to get a little... I guess reserved. Sixth grade is what set it off. I like a boy and being the stupid kid I was, I wrote notes in cursive saying “I love you” and what not. After a couple notes I said who I was, and he showed his friends and our teacher. The teacher had a talk with me and I was basically the laughing stalk for the rest of the year. The summer after sixth grade I met some friends on minecraft and they basically became my life.Seventh grade moved around. A new school with new people and less friends. My elementary went up to sixth grade and ours was the only one where the kids split up to different middle schools. Things started off okay. Made a few friends in my homeroom, a class or two, and met my best friend in lunch because of a Homestuck shirt I was wearing (we jumped up and down like two idiots). One of my first friends online became my girlfriend and we loved the hell out of each other. Though, as the year went on my depression and anxiety started to form. I started to feel as if everyone was judging me and talking about me behind my back. I felt alone and secluded. It felt like everyone hated me. My online friends and my new best friend were the only ones that really knew, though my best friend knew much little than the ones online. My girlfriend comforted me and one of the main ways she tried making me feel better was by being sexual. Had some more breakdowns, friend breakups and friend makeups. This year was when I first discovered cutting. I just didn’t feel like being in school nor being alive. I barely changed my clothes, hid my cuts with long sleeves and jackets even if it was getting warm out. It was bad.The summer after seventh was more of hell than anything. I thought I was trans then. This caused my girlfriend to lose her shit and she didn’t know what to do. My other online friends yelled at me and treated me like shit. I cut more, this time my thighs as well. My relationships started to become toxic. All me and my girlfriend did was have online sex at this point and my whole life revolved around them. I couldn’t see who they truly were. Eight grade rolled around. Still barely changed my clothes and my reactions to school were worse. I kept breaking down and barely did my work. My mom sent me to therapy. She didn’t know I felt like I was trans but it worked out in more than one way. My therapist helped me express things and explain things, trying to react in more reasonable ways. People in school judged me since I dressed like a guy now. Guys from my elementary school started poking fun at me, especially one in particular. It was the worst year I think.Summer of ninth came around, I realized I wasn’t trans making my friends flip out again. Before the summer though, I broke up with my girlfriend. Even though we broke up we still did things. She came over during the summer and all we did was fuck. I regret giving away both of my firsts to her so fucking much. Ninth grade came around and this year was the beginning of me. It started off horrible but I learned I had ADD and got an IEP in school for that and my social anxiety. I loved the teacher and the course. It helped me tremendously. I got my first ever honor role because of it. Though I did get this help, I started to get derealization episodes. It scared me but somehow I like it at the same time. Getting close to the end of the year me and my online friends had some fort of falling out. They were being absolute dicks and did me and my friends wrong. They ignored me when I tried apologizing (even though I shouldn’t have). I learned they ignored me in school and I had an utter break down. Somehow we made up and became friends again. My ex got a boyfriend which I had the worst feeling about. I absolutely hated him and everyone told me to get the stick out of my ass and learn that he’s actually nice person. I did, eventually. But later on oh did his true colors shine through. Nice person my ass.Soooooo much happened in the summer after ninth. First off, I GOT MEDS. They helped so fucking much. I also left therapy since I felt I didn’t need it anymore. I left my online friend group and joined my new main group. The people were so much nicer and I loved each and every one of them. They were fucking hilarious and amazing (they were all guys but I love having guy friends since I can do stupid shit like arm fart and also play games). Tenth grade came into play. Finally in High school. I was so much better. I was myself, I made a bunch of new friends, I did my work. I was happy. Though I was happy, I got depression spells. My worst one started with the death of Lil peep (RIP peep) and during the winter because of SAD (seasonal effective disorder). My ex came back into my life and I did some regretful things(by the way, because of my ex’s tendency for sex, it’s fucked me up). Other than that, I realized who her boyfriend was and who she became but she did not. She never listened to any of us even though we kept telling her to fucking break up with him. She became a worse person and I officially cut my ties with her. If she wants to ruin her life, she can. Follow the same path as your mother and screw up your life I guess. She’s been with him for about three years even though he’s human dirt. So is she though. I’m not saying many details cause i’d rather not about that stuff.School is out now, three months before junior year. I wonder how it will be and how the rest of high school will be.

[peachesannndgravy]

92 Truths

I was tagged by the lovely @mynameispiaivy​. Here I go!

LAST

LAST DRINK: milk

LAST PHONE CALL: domino’s

LAST TEXT MESSAGE: my daughter’s therapist

LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Lift by Radiohead

LAST TIME YOU CRIED: Hmmm... a few weeks ago. I think I was watching something on tv.

HAVE YOU EVER..

DATED SOMEONE TWICE: never go for seconds

BEEN CHEATED ON: not that i know of

KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: omfg yes! the guy slobbered all over me

LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: my HS english teacher a few years back.

BEEN DEPRESSED: clinically, no. but, i’ve been pretty bummed.

BEEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: never.

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU..

MADE A NEW FRIEND: quite a few. They’re all lovely.

FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: ummm no.

LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: more like urinated on myself lol

MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: ummm i think so. 

FOUND OUT WHO YOUR TRUE FRIENDS ARE: haha yes! there’s a funny story to how I lost a recent “friend” over the fkn Dodgers ha!

FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: Yes, that fkn idiot who has a big ass mouth. Then again, she’s always carried that reputation of being a nosey dumbass who’s all up in everyone’s business. God forbid she’d fkn talk about her dirty laundry.

GENERAL

HOW MANY IN TUMBLER DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE? Hmmm.... like 6

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? yes, 2 turtles, 1 bunny, 2 dogs, 4 birds.... i think.

DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME? No, I love my name

WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING? 6:30ish in the am. 

WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT? watching Netflix lol

NAME SOMETHING YOU CANNOT WAIT FOR? Z2!!!! I want my baby to kill me again with his album. I love Mind of Mine. I listen to it constantly. I breathe, eat, shit, live && die for Zayn. I love him soooooo fkn much.

HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM? Uhhh. I’m sure I have.

WHAT’S GETTING IN YOUR NERVES RIGHT NOW? This fkn fando lol what’s new? ha! It’s always bullshit in here. 

BLOOD TYPE? I have no fkn clue! 

NICKNAME/S: Far tooo many. My lovers call me “nena, mi reina, guapa, chula, cabrona” lol etc..... umm peaches, trace, t-pain lol soo many.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single

ZODIAC SIGN: virgo

PRONOUNS: she/her

FAVORITE TV SHOW/S: the only current show i watch is Bob’s Burgers. I kind of gave up on The Walking Dead. Ummm... past tv shows? Frasier, House, The Office, Daria, Breaking Bad, My so called life, uhhh.... my spanish/brazilian soap operas.

COLLEGE: UCLA BRUIN UNDERGRAD!!!!!

HAIR COLOR: dark brown

DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE? ummmm nope.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? my taste in music

FIRSTS..

FIRST SURGERY: pyloric stenosis at 21 days since birth

FIRST PIERCING: my ears when I was a little baby

FIRST SPORT YOU JOINED: none. never played school sports. 

FIRST VACATION: always to sombrerete, zacatecas. 

FIRST PAIR OF SNEAKERS: LA Gear!!! Those kicks were on fleek!  

RIGHT NOW

EATING: had irish whiskey chocolates

DRINKING: water

I’M ABOUT TO.... read a fic lol

WANT KIDS?: I have no choice lol I have one already but that’s it.

GET MARRIED: fuck no!

CAREER: i’m working on my art history degree :) I do want to focus on research && possibly teach. 

WHICH IS BETTER?

LIPS OR EYES? eyes

HUGS OR KISSES? kisses???? I guess

SHORTER OR TALLER? taller. Always. 

OLDER OR YOUNGER? well, i like them older; however, I attract kids all the time

ROMANTIC OR SPONTANEOUS? spontaneous

SENSITIVE OR LOUD? neither.

HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP? neither. well, i’ll go for hook up

TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT? neither. 

HAVE YOU EVER?..

KISSED A STRANGER? always

DRANK HARD LIQUOR? yes

LOST CONTACTS OR GLASSES? nope

SEX ON FIRST DATE? hahah yes!

BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART? always. 

BEEN ARRESTED? not yet.

TURNED SOMEONE DOWN? yup. 

FALLEN FOR A FRIEND? Uhhh. I think so.

DO YOU BELIEVE…

IN YOURSELF? yes

MIRACLES? no

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? nope

HEAVEN? no

SANTA CLAUS? no

This was interesting. I’ll tag: @longhairthom @gpalmora @thebrownspider @heftyskies @harriloveslouis @furiousvimes && anyone else. Don’t feel obliged!

[hankeliza]

Hate to be cliche, but here goes.

This decade has been some shit. 2010. Best year of my life. I’m 17, I have my soul mate and best friend every single day of my life. No bills and making way too much money. I got the love of my life, Rome. I am so cool in my mind and just life was fucking GREAT. I met corbin that year and I was legit in absolute bliss.

Feb 2012 my best friend moves to fl and that was so great but I am in absolute shambles. I am lost I am unhappy. This is where it all goes wrong and only now, 8 years later do I realize the codependency issues I had with jenna. I fucking loved that chick from the depths of my goddamn soul, we could speak and make decisions and plans with just locking eyes for a blink of a second. So bc I am sad, lost and unable to make sense of my selfish and immature feelings, I take it out on her and a whole slough of klonopin. Corbin and I are doing bad and this is when it should’ve ended.

April 2012 (hah time is funny af) I do some shady shit, but not to the magnitude it was portrayed. Life moves on and I get back with corbin. This is my new person to rely on. I need him bc he stuck thru it with me and gained my whole hearted trust that he loves me, even when ugly and I love him through all of his ugly. We are ugly and we are in love and nothing in the world matters to me anymore besides him.

Oct 2012 I finally am ready to move outta stc. But corbins with me. I beg and beg and beg to please go to Tampa but nah, we go to Miami. It’ll be easier, Adam will take us in. He still is this big mature, always with it guy, I don’t know him, that’s why. We get there, nothing much to even talk about. Great times but eh. Leavin it at that. Shit happens and we get out of dodge like some fuckin thief’s in the night. Drive two days to portland. I won’t get into all the beautiful shit I saw bc that’ll take too long but, here we are.

I live with a naked hippie that is actually psychotic and oh, later on turns out she’s making us pay for a house SHE IS SQUATTING IN. But anyway, things happened (again adam) and we move to the city city. Won’t even get in to the shit that transpired there, but now I’m moving back home.

Feb 2013 (wow really seeing some timelines matching up of my most unpleasant times of my life?!¿¡) so I’m back home. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat. I think I weighed 110 while standing 5’8. My dads on parole, only time I see sunlight is when he needs to meet with his PO. Nicole nurtures me and literally does everything in her power to make me be better, but I am not ready to feel happiness or bond with any other human. I am not ready to move on or up or out. I am stuck. Corbin moves home. Ahhh yes. My safety blanket is back and I can be happy again (hahahah)

So in the meantime while I was sad Nicole and I are partying, late nights to meijer and rite aid, getting high and snacks and shit is just fucking awesome. She meets the love of her life and he takes her and even me in to his whole friend crowd and I am HAPPY and feel bliss again. I have friends? Imagine that. They fall madly in love and then heh, they move. Well shit. Now mind you I have totally capability to see them whenever I please bc Nicole is an open door policy. But truly I’m lazy, I like convenience and still wrapped up in my own stupid bitchass, (that I can now see, but then couldn’t) and it’s back to corbin and I.

So now it’s getting close to end of 2013 and all I pretty much do is spend every waking moment with corbin. I don’t mean to make that sound so awful, then I loved it. Now, it’s all so bleak.

2014 hits. I’m in and out of jobs. Corbin and I live off of pop can returns. I’m still 21 so like, none of that mattered and I didn’t care about a future. He gets a job and I finally get into the courthouse. We start doing ~molly~ heavy. Locking ourselves in a bedroom from Friday-Sunday. Every weekend. When you hear “ecstasy/drugs ruined my sex life” from older people, you don’t really know what to make of that. When I tell you drugs ruined our sex life and our likeness for each other, now I fucking get it. I stopped smoking weed 24/7 bc I was paranoid of losing my job. Not much more to that year or 2015 than chemical pills and being locked in a room and outdoor adventures with my dog.

2016, I finally convince corbin to {for the love of god} attempt to get his license back (which he did, and then ruined again, but that comes later) so we’re really making moves, honestly for us we were doing shit. We had a marker board calendar AND meeting our goals/deadlines !!! His dad gets oxys, and we’ve been borrowing his Vicodin for idk, a year or 3 at this point. This is kinda when things get fuzzy. But oxys come and got damn do they feel good. But only recreational. It wasn’t serious then.

Corbin gets prescribed adderall. Not much more we need to dive in to with that jazz but oxys and addies were all we ate until about the end of 2017. Pills are gone. Let’s fucking driiiiink.

2018

So I developed an alcohol issue at this point. Still battling it to this day. But I don’t really remember much. Did some cool shit, went to Europe. Met a girl that I’ve never loved kissing more. She was nuts. I moved out of our apartment we got together and back home, re-up w/ Rickey, we have fun. He cheats on me with the girl he got pregnant and neglected (they’re engaged now, congrats guys) I’m completely broken and alone because at this point i have managed to push every waking soul away from me and experience the weirdest fucking shit ever that I can only explain as spiritual, or maybe it was satanic. It burned and hurt and scared the ballsacks out of me. Can’t kill your self if you’re a pussy, turns out.

I spent this whole year trying to find friends, wrong crowd. I developed a relationship with a coworker who still to this day has my heart and soul and I love him and will always hope the best. He is the greatest comfort I had but it was only ever from 5pm - until we finished having drinks and sex and then back to being alone. I even confessed my confused love for him and he set me straight. He showed me more about being strong than anyone ever. I love you D.

The end of September I finally meet up with a dude I can’t take my damn eyeballs off for years. I finally mustered up the courage after making excuses for about 2 weeks why I couldnt meet up with him. So I come over. It’s raining so hard. I couldn’t find his house. I just wanted the god damn dick, and go home. He didn’t let that happen.

We see one another mainly every single day except Wednesday’s because he has plans that day every week. I tried my hardest to ghost him multiple times but he didn’t let that happen either. We are both drinking a lot because we are both sad but our company really really reaaaally made up for the sadness. He is the funniest person I’ve ever met and I think he thought that about me too.

November 21st comes and he is being weird and I am constantly nervous around him so I get weird bc I think I did something or he’s gonna tell me to go home, I didn’t know. He finally says he wants to be my man, like full time man. I have a bf? I don’t want one but something about you is fckin freaky you beautiful boy. Everything is coming together.

And here we go: December 21. 1 month is all it took to mess it up.

Leaving my work party, ironically after getting all of my drinks bought for me :) , I go to jail. Jail was not as bad as I expected. I was a good criminal so I got to sit in a different room w/ a tv until shift change. Oh and ! my high school classmate was a worker there so that was neat ! (jesuschrist) anyway; dont have Laynes number memorized, my family and I just watched my grandpa die, gasping for air 10 day prior. Can’t call my mom. Scared to call my dad (who was the nicest of anyone) soooooo corbin it is. I dealt with his jail problems time after time so, his turn I guess.

Welp it’s 2019. Not much to say. Layne stuck through all of it with me and I have no fucking clue why. Got a therapist. Stopped drinking whiskey completely. Bought a vacuum and couch. Live with my way too supportive boyfriend. My family fucking loves him. I am .... growing ? stronger ? mentally ? as every day passes ? because of him ? He teaches me so much about moving on, life and just thinking before doing. Life ain’t that serious. I love you Layne. I completely do. I started alcohol classes and I went in with such a shitty attitude, like I’m better than everyone? (Been my issue for, forever) I fucking love my group sessions. I am for once not alone with the unpopular shit I struggle with. Addiction is so real and I always thought it was a stupid ass excuse for being lazy but hahhhhhh karma loves me.

I’ve been struggling so hard with jenna. I have talked to a handful of people and most have said it’s been blown out of proportion but, don’t hurt your friends. I finally fucking wrapped it up when I got ahold of her, tried to anyway, before Christmas. I explained a lot, now that I’ve had years to sit back and reflect on myself and my bullshit and I can’t blame her (side bar: she still didn’t care lol.) But I am fuckin over it. My feelings got hurt to absolute fuck about some things and instead of being mature, I fucked her over, because I felt fucked over. But I’m sorry, I did that, I take responsibility and best wishes forever but an anvil weight has finally been lifted off my chest and I feel like I can finally move the fuck on and it’s such a great feeling to get rid of something that’s been eating me alive.

So basically, the last two years ate me the fuck alive. This year I meditated on shit. We will see how 2020 goes but I am ready considering what I’ve done to myself, been through and I still am fucking alive and trying. Being a human is dumb but it’s aight sometimes. Getting better. Good luck y’all.

[jonathanpaxton-blog]

[MERECK]

[6;26PM]: I had 4 shots and managed to duck out on Dax.

[6;26PM]: Well. I don’t know. Just. Life. I

[6;26PM]: I feel like I had an idea of what earlier and now I feel stupid

[6;27PM]: and I don’t know. I guess just trying to figure some stuff out and maybe you can help me.

[6;27PM]: help me understand.

[6;27PM]: I don’t know does that make sense?

[JONATHAN]

[6;28PM]: Four shots in the space of a half hour? Yes, that’s going to hit you.

[6;28PM]: Don’t feel stupid, it’s hard, there’s a lot to consider.

[6;29PM]: I’ll do my absolute best to answer anything I can.

[6;29PM]: But don’t think you have to answer everything in one go.

[MERECK]

[6;30PM]: Yeah. I snuck a little back too. Oi.

[6;30PM]: you’re the best ❤️💕

[6;30PM]: heart emojis for days 💜🙄💕😍

[6;31PM]: I am buzzing.

[JONATHAN]

[6;32PM]: I don’t know if I should be mildly jealous or worried about how this will end up.

[6;32PM]: I’m not. I just want to help.

[6;32PM]: So I’ll answer anything you want.

[6;33PM]: If you weren’t I would be more concerned. 💕

[MERECK]

[6;34PM]: jealous of whaaaatttttt?

[6;34PM]: You in your room yet?

[6;35PM]: I am throwing myself in my bed and ignoring everyone until forever.

[JONATHAN]

[6;36PM]: Jealous of your alcohol.

[6;36PM]: Just got back and am laying down. It’s so humid, I feel sticky.

[6;38PM]: Well, not everyone, I hope. I am someone.

[MERECK]

[6;38PM]: You wanna be swallowed too?

[6;38PM]: I know what you mean. It’s grosssss.

[6;39PM]: You are the only one who I won’t ignore.

[JONATHAN]

[6;40PM]: Not where I was going with that, but now that you mention it…

[6;40PM]: It is a little. This is when the lake and pool are nice.

[6;41PM]: What did I ever do to deserve your attention? 😊

[MERECK]

[6;42PM]: So like you prefer getting a blow job to fucking or….?

[6;42PM]: Anddd cue drunk poet.

[6;42PM]: Ohhh we could skinny dip.

[6;43PM]: You were nice and thoughtful and understanding and you’re the greatesttt

[6;43PM]: Soooooo. 💕

[JONATHAN]

[6;44PM]: I uhh, I don’t know. I’m not sure I have the experience to answer that question.

[6;44PM]: Skinny duo independently. Not as fun.

[6;45PM]: I don’t know about all that.

[6;45PM]: Soooo…?

[MERECK]

[6;46PM]: Right right duh. But like you don’t have a mental preference? 😉

[6;46PM]: That is why we go together.

[6;47PM]: Sooooooo.

[6;47PM]: 💕❤️

[6;47PM]: What happens if we figure out who the other is before we meet?

[JONATHAN]

[6;48PM]: A mental preference. No, I don’t know, not that I’ve noticed. Why, do you?

[6;48PM]: Yes, but unless we met it wouldn’t really be together.

[6;49PM]: Can’t text you in a lake.

[6;49PM]: You think we might?

[6;49PM]: I don’t know what happens then. Suppose we’re honest about it?

[MERECK]

[6;50PM]: No. wasn’t til I met you I realized the possibility of being with a man.

[6;50PM]: Though I don’t know if that’s entirely true…

[6;51PM]: hm.

[6;51PM]: Sounds fair. Maybe we should just take it easy until then. Not give away too much… seems like we have been risky.

[JONATHAN]

[6;52PM]: What do you mean? You think you might have thought about it before?

[6;52PM]: It seems to me like you have never felt comfortable or safe enough to explore it.

[6;53PM]: You’re worried about what happened today.

[6;53PM]: In the cafeteria.

[MERECK]

[6;54PM]: Well. The shit that happened… I don’t know like

[6;55PM]: Maybe what happened to me.

[6;55PM]: Yeah. Maybe.

[6;55PM]: Yeah. Kinda. And self defense.

[JONATHAN]

[6;56PM]: You think what happened to you made you suppress it?

[6;56PM]: Or made you feel like this?

[6;57PM]: Oh, yeah. Well, we can be more careful. If it makes you uncomfortable

[MERECK]

[6;58PM]: maybe?

[6;58PM]: Do you think it… contributed to it?

[6;58PM]: like it got into me young and it… I didn’t realize until now…

[6;59PM]: I just wanna keep the mystery for a while. I don’t know. Is that bad?

[JONATHAN]

[7;00PM]: It depends on what you mean. If you’re talking about you surprising it from a young age, possibly. Especially if you felt it was wrong.

[7;00PM]: If you are talking about something else that ‘made’ you gay, then I don’t think that’s likely.

[7;01PM]: No, that’s not bad. If it’s just about the mystery.

[MERECK]

[7;02PM]: Even if a part of me liked it?

[7;02PM]: That’s sick. I’m sick.

[7;02PM]: I am afraid you won’t like me.

[7;03PM]: That you will find me repulsive. I feel like I am.

[JONATHAN]

[7;04PM]: I don���t know everything that happened in your past.

[7;04PM]: But you are who you are.

[7;04PM]: I don’t think you’re sick, I think your blaming yourself for something out of your control.

[7;05PM]: Something your mind tried to adjust for to make you capable of handling it.

[MERECK]

[7;06PM]: Do you want to know?

[7;06PM]: I am asking you things that are impossible to answer. I’m sorry.

[7;06PM]: Maybe.

[7;07PM]: Thank you for listening

[JONATHAN]

[7;08PM]: I want to know you. Whether you feel like you need to tell me parts of your past or not or if you are ready to divulge that is up to you.

[7;08PM]: Because your comfort comes first, poet.

[7;09PM]: There will be time for me to learn everything, if you aren’t ready.

[7;09PM]: You don’t have to thank me. I think you are being hard on yourself because that’s all you know.

[MERECK]

[7;10PM]: I want to I just don’t want to make things uncomfortable or put you in spot where you feel like you’ve gotta say things.

[7:11PM]: Taking another shot.

[7;11PM]: I try to act confident. I just don’t want people to think I’m a target. I can’t deal with that shit

[7;12PM]: being targeted.

[JONATHAN]

[7;13PM]: I’m not uncomfortable talking to you.

[7;13PM]: That sounds all too familiar. Except I haven’t found a way to stop that from happening.

[7;14PM]: I don’t know that we have control over that.

[MERECK]

[7;15PM]: I know. I just don’t want to say something that would make you uncomfortable or not know what to say.

[7;15PM]: I hate that, Stranger. I want to kill everyone who has ever hurt you.

[7;16PM]: I feel protective of you

[JONATHAN]

[7;17PM]: I’m not sure you could find something that could make me so uncomfortable I would turn away.

[7;17PM]: Poet…

[7;17PM]: That’s so foreign to me. No one has ever said anything like that.

[7;18PM]: But I feel very protective of you too.

[MERECK]

[7;20PM]: I just was taken advantage of when I was young. A lot. And a small part of me liked it. I just. I don’t know.

[7;20PM]: And i read about that and how it’s almost normal but

[7;21PM]: makes me feel like a freak.

[7;21PM]: you do?

[7;21PM]: we are in trouble

[JONATHAN]

[7;22PM]: Oh poet…

[7;22PM]: You are not a freak.

[7;22PM]: Not at all.

[7;23PM]: You have no idea.

[7;23PM]: Enduring that is not easy, I know.

[7;23PM]: I think we have been in trouble for a long while now.

[MERECK]

[7;24PM]: yeah? I feel like it.

[7;24PM]: I feel like there something wrong with me.

[7;25PM]: You know? What do you know, Stranger?

[7;25PM]: I’m scared. What if….

[JONATHAN]

[7;26PM]: Nothing is wrong with you. Especially not because of that.

[7;26PM]: You didn’t ask for it to happen to you.

[7;27PM]: I know what that’s like.

[7;27PM]: What if… what?

[7;28PM]: how do you know what it’s like?

[7;28PM]: It makes me feel repulsive and used.

[7;29PM]: and that’s why I am afraid you won’t like me.

[7;29PM]: what if I’m falling for you?

[JONATHAN]

[7;30PM]: I…

[7;30PM]: I went through something similar.

[7;30PM]: So I understand what you’re feeling.

[7;30PM]: It’s not your fault. I won’t judge you because of that.

[7;31PM]: Poet…

[7;31PM]: Do you really feel that way?

[MERECK]

[7;32PM]: You did? Christ.

[7;32PM]: that makes me want to cry.

[7;32PM]: Do you feel at fault?

[7;33PM]: Stranger…

[7;33PM]: why do you think I’m so scared?

[JONATHAN]

[7;34PM]: Yes.

[7;34PM]: Poet, it’s alright. I’m alright. I’m more concerned about you.

[7;35PM]: Sometimes. I always feel like I should have been stronger somehow. Faster to to make it stop. Feel that way with the bullying too.

[7;35PM]: I feel so weak all the time.

[7;35PM]: I don’t know, poet.

[7;35PM]: But it takes my breath away you think you feel that way…

[MERECK]

[7;36PM]: Did you like it? Like… was it something that scared you but that a part of you liked?

[7;36PM]: I feel sick. I’ve never told anyone.

[7;37PM]: Stranger you’re not weak not at all. Don’t even say that. Dont think it. So goddamn strong.

[7;37PM]: I feel sick all the time. Like so goddamn nervous.

[JONATHAN]

[7;38PM]: I… I don’t know. I try not to think about it.

[7;38PM]: Probably.

[7;38PM]: There was a while when my mom…

[7;38PM]: Well, blamed me.

[7;39PM]: I never told anyone either. Other than my therapist.

[7;39PM]: I’m really not.

[7;39PM]: I feel nervous too. I think… I think I might be falling as well and I’m kind of terrified because I don’t want to scare you and I don’t know how this will end.

[MERECK]

[7;41PM]: Your mom knew?

[7;41PM]: And didn’t do anything?

[7;41PM]: what a fucking piece of shit. I’m sorry.

[7;42PM]: You are strong.

[7;42PM]: Yeah?

[7;42PM]: Well. At least we have each other to hold onto while we fall.

[JONATHAN]

[7;43PM]: She didn’t want to believe it.

[7;43PM]: Said it was all in my head. That if anything had happened was probably cause of me.

[7;44PM]: Thank you, poet.

[7;44PM]: That was a beautiful way to put it

[MERECK]

[7;45PM]: Fuck. Her. I want to kill her.

[7;45PM]: Bet my mom would do the same. Fucking think she suspects it and doesn’t care.

[7;45PM]: Who… did it to you? If you don’t mind me asking?

[7;46PM]; it’s just the truth.

[JONATHAN]

[7;46PM]: She eventually stepped up. It took a while.

[7;46PM]: You really think she has a clue about it?

[7;46PM]: I… uh… had a step father for a short period.

[7;47PM]: I’m glad it’s you.

[MERECK]

[7;48PM]: Seriously? I don’t know if I’ve ever talked to someone with similar experiences….

[7;48PM]: What do you mean she stepped up? What’d she do?

[7;49PM]: yeah. I don’t know how she couldn’t. He wasn’t always subtle.

[7;49PM]: maybe she just turned a blind eye. I don’t know.

[7;49PM]: I am just saying the truth in how I feel. I’ve wanted to be honest with you always.

[JONATHAN]

[7;50PM]: Yeah, seriously. Who was it for you?

[7;50PM]: She got rid of him. Left him.

[7;50PM]: Really? Shit, poet. Now I want to go do something for you.

[7;51PM]: I want to be honest with you too. I was scared to say something because… I know this is new.

[MERECK]

[7;52PM]: My father.

[7;52PM]: good. I’m glad.

[7;52PM]: good. Honesty is the best policy.

[7;53PM]: Have you ever fallen for anyone before?

[JONATHAN]

[7;54PM]: Oh my God, poet.

[7;54PM]: Shit. Are you kidding me? I will… I don’t know. I will do something.

[7;54PM]: I’m short, maybe I can kick him in the balls and he won’t see it coming.

[7;54PM]: I’m sorry.

[7;55PM]: No, I’ve never fallen for anyone.

[7;55PM]: Not like this.

[MERECK]

[7;56PM]: Its what it is.

[7;56PM]: I’ve kinda just accepted it. Dealt with it.

[7;57PM]: that might be good. Kicking him in the balls. I have considered as such.

[7;57PM]: really? Do you think…

[JONATHAN]

[7;58PM]: You shouldn’t have to deal with the way he’s treated you. In any respect.

[7;58PM]: Damn. That’s so unfair.

[7;59PM]: You should. Maybe if you kick hard enough he’ll lose feeling there.

[7;59PM]: Do I think what?

[MERECK]

[8;01PM]: neither should you.

[8;01PM]: I would hurt anyone and everyone who has hurt you.

[8;02PM]: do you think that we will fall together?

[JONATHAN]

[8;03PM]: Maybe some people are just destined to be in these positions.

[8;03PM]: Maybe we are supposed to learn something.

[8:05PM]: I love that about you. That you want the best for me.

[8;05PM]: I hope we do.

[MERECK]

[8;06PM]: Destined to be abused and targeted?

[8;06PM]: I don’t know. I think it’s just shit luck.

[8;07PM]: 💜💕

[8;07PM]: I always want whats best for you.

[8;07PM]: my heart races.

[JONATHAN]

[8;08PM]: Maybe. That’s a horrible thought, but maybe.

[8;08PM]: Between the two of us our luck must be terrible.

[8;08PM]: I hope that doesn’t affect this.

[8;09PM]: 💕❤️☺️

[8;09PM]: Do you feel more comfortable with me now?

[MERECK]

[8;10PM]: I hope not.

[8;10PM]: I would do whatever I had to in order to protect you.

[8;10PM]: yeah. I do.

[8;11PM]: So comfortable.

[JONATHAN]

[8;12PM]: I hope not as well.

[8;12PM]: Would you do the same to protect things I care about?

[8;12PM]: Because I need you to protect yourself for me.

[8;13PM]: Good, I’m glad. Admittedly I was concerned.

[MERECK]

[8;14PM]: I’ll try. I’ll try and protect myself.

[8;14PM]: I have spent too long NOT protecting myself.

[8;14PM]: I would tell you anything.

[JONATHAN]

[8;15PM]: So have I, poet.

[8;15PM]: How come it is so easy to stand up for others, but so hard to stand up for ourselves?

[8;16PM]: I’m so used to feeling unsafe that being comfortable with you feels jarring.

[8;16PM]: Is it like that for you?

[MERECK]

[8;17PM]: because we don’t see our own worth but we can see the worth in one another.

[8;18PM]: I know what you mean. I feel the same.

[8;18PM]: exactly the same. You like.. read my mind, stranger.

[JONATHAN]

[8;19PM]: That’s scarily true. Why is that? Why can’t we ever see our worth?

[8;19PM]: I don’t want to feel that way. I want what we have to be the normal way to feel.

[8;20PM]: What do we do, poet?

[MERECK]

[8;21PM]: because not enough people instilled that value in us when we were little. We always believed we were worthless so it became our reality.

[8;21PM]: we ride it out. We let what happens happen

[JONATHAN]

[8;23PM]: I refuse to be worthless, I refuse.

[8;23PM]: I guess that’s why I have always been so focused on trying to follow my dreams.

[8;23PM]: I needed something to hold on to.

[8;24PM]: All in certain of right now is that I want you to be in my life for as long as you can be.

[MERECK]

[8;25PM]: you’re not worthless. Not at all. Not to me.

[8;25PM]: I am glad following your dreams has helped. Keep it up, Stranger.

[8;26PM]: I’ll be here as long as you let me be

[JONATHAN]

[8;27PM]: You’re not worthless either. You’re incredible. You saw me when no one else has.

[8;27PM]: I want to help you get away. I want to help you find yourself.

[8;28PM]: I don’t want you to be afraid of me.

[MERECK]

[8;29PM]: how could no one else see you? God. I guess I shouldn’t complain. I wouldn’t have gotten this chance if someone else had snagged you.

[8;29PM]: you’ve helped me so much already, Stranger. Do you realize that?

[8;30PM]: I’m not afraid of you.

[JONATHAN]

[8;31PM]: I don’t know. People see what they want in me instead of seeing me as how I am. You’re so special and unique, poet.

[8;31PM]: No, not really. I don’t know how I’ve helped you at all, actually.

[8;32PM]: What are you afraid of then?

[MERECK]

[8;33PM]: you make me ache.

[8;33PM]: In a good way. You’re like home. For the first time.

[8;34PM]: Really? Stranger. If you were here…

[8;34PM]: I’m afraid of myself.

[JONATHAN]

[8;35PM]: You make my stomach flip. In a good way.

[8;35PM]: When you talk like that it makes me want to cry. Because no one has ever spoke to me like that before.

[8;35PM]: What would you do?

[8;36PM]: Why are you afraid of yourself? You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re amazing.

[MERECK]

[8;37PM]: Don’t cry, Stranger. I’m not there to wipe your tears.

[8;38PM]: it’s time someone speaks that way to you.

[8;38PM]: I would show you how much you’ve helped me.

[8;38PM]: I’m afraid I won’t be enough for you. Or that I’ll hurt you on accident.

[JONATHAN]

[8;39PM]: I can’t help it. I feel overwhelmed. I feel… emotional.

[8;39PM]: Thank you, poet. I want to give you the world.

[8;40PM]: You mean I’ve helped you accept the potential gay?

[8;40PM]: I rather be accidentally hurt by you than not have this experience at all. I don’t want to hurt you either.

[MERECK]

[8;41PM]: Shhh.

[8;41PM]: well. Yeah. And just you’ve been so open and. I don’t know. I feel like I can TALK to you in ways I can’t with others.

[8;42PM]: I guess all scary things are risky.

[JONATHAN]

[8;43PM]: I’ve been able to talk with you in ways I never imagined possible.

[8;43PM]: Tell me, is there anything good about your life back home at all?

[8;44PM]: I’m willing to take the risk with you. Maybe because I’m too afraid not to take the risk.

[MERECK]

[8;45PM]: I don’t know.

[8;45PM]: I mean. Yeah. School never was too bad. Sports. My mates.

[8;46PM]: but home home? Sucks. All around.

[8;46PM]: sometimes taking a risk is the best way.

[JONATHAN]

[8;47PM]: Well, I suppose at least you had something to distract you.

[8;47PM]: I don’t want you to go back there. Not knowing what I do.

[8;47PM]: I wish I could go away with you.

[8;48PM]: Shit, someone just came in and is making so much noise.

[MERECK]

[8;49PM]: I don’t want to go back there either. Idk how I’m gonna handle it knowing that you’re real.

[8;50PM]: I wish you could too.

[8;50PM]: whyyy what are they doing?

[JONATHAN]

[8;51PM]: I don’t know how I’m going to handle it either. I am going to hate the end of this summer.

[8;51PM]: We should figure something out. Somehow.

[8;52PM]: Slamming things. They sound pissed.

[MERECK]

[8;53PM]: Me too. I don’t want it to end. Don’t even wanna consider it.

[8;53PM]: how? What would we figure out?

[8;54PM]: oh man. Wonder why.

[JONATHAN]

[8;55PM]: I don’t want to consider it either. I wish I could keep it from happening.

[8;55PM]: A way to get away?

[8;55PM]: Me too. It just makes me want to hide though. Stupid, huh?

[MERECK]

[8;56PM]: I just mean what would we do. To get away?

[8;56PM]: I wish we could.

[8;56PM]: not stupid no. Just ignore him. Don’t make eye contact. You’ll be okay.

[JONATHAN]

[8;57PM]: I don’t know. Find somewhere that no one can force us to go back. A remote area, maybe.

[8;57PM]: It’s nice to dream.

[8;57PM]: Okay. I’m trying, I just get so tense when people are like this.

[MERECK]

[8;58PM]: it is a nice dream. I like it. Let’s live in that dream for a while, okay?

[8;58PM]: Stranger don’t be afraid. I’m here with you. Nothing bad can happen. Focus on me.

[JONATHAN]

[8;59PM]: I never want to leave that dream. I haven’t even met you yet and I feel like everything would be better with you.

[8;59PM]: Why is it you make me fee so safe?

[8;59PM]: How do you do that?

[MERECK]

[9;00PM]: Supposedly dreams can become reality if you believe in them and all that shit.

[9;00PM]: You’re so sweet. And open.

[9;00PM]: I don’t know why or how but it is what it is in the best way, yeah?

[9;01PM]: I’m sorry I’m weird sometimes, Stranger.

[JONATHAN]

[9;03PM]: Do you really think that’s true? Because I’m happy to believe it with all that I am.

[9;03PM]: I feel like I can be honest with you.

[9;03PM]: No, you’re right. This is fantastic. I’m so grateful for it that I don’t know how to express it properly.

[9;04PM]: You’re not weird. At least not to me.

[MERECK]

[9;05PM]: Just keep believing it, Stranger.

[9;05PM]: Funny. We don’t know one another’s names but we are…

[9;05PM]: in a free fall.

[9;06PM]: I have a lot of problems and I know I gotta work on it all.

[9;06PM]: I thank you for understanding and your patience with me.

[JONATHAN]

[9;07PM]: I will, I’ll try.

[9;07PM]: It is funny, isn’t it? I guess it goes to show that a person doesn’t connect with the superficial. They connect with a personality, a soul.

[9;08PM]: We all have problems we are dealing with. We all are trying to be better.

[MERECK]

[9;09PM]: you are so poetic. And so right.

[9;09PM]: I’m learning that.

[9;09PM]: thanks to you.

[JONATHAN]

[9;10PM]: It’s rare that I hear those words spoken in my direction.

[9;10PM]: I don’t think I’m that poetic.

[9;11PM]: I don’t feel like I have done anything special. All I’ve done is exist. You were the one to reach out to a stranger.

[MERECK]

[9;12PM]: take the compliment to your character because I speak the truth to you.

[9;12PM]: You are poetic. We are a couple of poetic artistic strangers on this journey around the sun together.

[9;13PM]: To be fair I reached out to troll you. But that was before I knew.

[JONATHAN]

[9;14PM]: Alright, fine. I know you will not let it go if I don’t.

[9;14PM]: That is beautiful. And so true. Maybe that is why we were meant to run into one another. To inspire each other.

[9;15PM]: That might be the case, but as soon as you realized I hadn’t done it, you were kind and ready to back off. Heck, you even got rid of the number.

[MERECK]

[9;16PM]: I think so. If you believe things happen for a reason. Maybe there’s a reason we met.

[9;16PM]: True. I’m a class A kinda guy. 😉

[JONATHAN]

[9;17PM]: I’m not sure all things happen for a reason, but I think good ones do. They heal our hearts when the world has broken us down.

[9;17PM]: Become our motivation to keep going.

[9;18PM]: You joke, but you actually are. 😋

[MERECK]

[9;19PM]: The bad ones are there to teach us something. To lead us down different paths and to open our mind to new things.

[9;19PM]: and maybe the bad things are there to lead to good things.

[9;19PM]: why thank you. You are as well.

[JONATHAN]

[9;20PM]: You could be right about that. I suppose ok some ways our experience have helped connect us.

[9;20PM]: Helped us to understand one another.

[9;20PM]: I wish that wasn’t the case, but maybe we’re better people for it all.

[9;21PM]: I have the horrible urge to hug you.

[MERECK]

[9;22PM]: I think that’s it. Honesty. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just chance. Seems too unreal.

[9;22PM]: You’re a good person.

[9;22PM]: That’s the opposite of horrible, Stranger. I want to hug you, too.

[JONATHAN]

[9;23PM]: Maybe it is. The universe is a complicated place.

[9;23PM]: I don’t always feel that way, but thank you.

[9;27PM]: Sorry, that jerk just kicked me out of the bunk. I wish I could be around you.

[MERECK]

[9;28PM]: Yeah, it is.

[9;28PM]: he kicked you out? Wtf does that mean?

[JONATHAN]

[9;29PM]: He saw me and then got mad that he 'can’t have any time alone’ and told me to get out. When I refused to move he threw his shoe at me.

[9;30PM]: I feel like someone is a little sexually frustrated.

[9;30PM]: It’s fine, I just went to sit by the lake. He’ll have to deal with everyone going in to sleep soon enough.

[MERECK]

[9;31PM]: Is that someone you? Cause I can find you. By the lake 😉

[9;31PM]: What cabin are you in, Stranger?

[JONATHAN]

[9;32PM]: Cute. Not what I meant, but yes. Absolutely. 😊

[9;32PM]: Could get naughty swimming in the water.

[9;32PM]: I’m not telling you that. That would be too much temptation for you to resist.

[MERECK]

[9;33PM]: you told me where YOU are. Bet I could find you.

[9;33PM]: Very naughty. Don’t tempt me.

[9;33PM] Which cabin, Stranger?

[JONATHAN]

[9;34PM]: Maybe, but that’s a little different, isn’t it? There are others milling around.

[9;34PM]: But I enjoy tempting you.

[9;35PM]: Poet… it’s okay, I’m okay.

[MERECK]

[9;36PM]: I guess. In a way, yes.

[9;36PM]: Tell me, Stranger.

[JONATHAN]

[9;37PM]: Poet…

[9;37PM]: You’re not going to give up until I tell you, are you?

[9;38PM]: I’m in cabin 13.

[MERECK]

[10;25PM]: He won’t be bothering you anymore.

[10;25PM]: I left you something on your bed. Nice painting btw. You’re so artistic.

[JONATHAN]

[10;27PM]: What did you do, poet?

[10;27PM]: Tell me?

[10;28PM]: Oh, I forgot you would see that I… thank you. What did you leave me?

[MERECK]

[10;30PM]: I just talked to him 🤔🤥

[10;30PM]: telling you right now I don’t put up with people’s shit when it comes to someone I care about.

[10;31PM]: A sweatshirt. It’s chilly.

[JONATHAN]

[10;33PM]: Oh is that so? Liar.

[10;33PM]: You’re sweet. Thank you, but you didn’t need to do that. Even though I appreciate it so much.

[10;33PM]: Did you really just leave me one of your sweatshirts? Why am I giddy about that?

[MERECK]

[10;35PM]: Bloke looked like a baby’s anus.

[10;35PM]: I walked in there and he was all in a huff and so I told him if I hear he kicks out any of his bunk mates or does anything to hurt any of them or even says a damn word to them he would have to deal with me.

[10;36PM]: then I wiped that stupid sarcastic smirk off his face.

[10;37PM]: I was kind of hoping you would be giddy about it. I didn’t even think I just threw it off on your bed and left. Don’t mind the blood on the wall.

[JONATHAN]

[10;39PM]: Oh my God, poet. That’s crazy. Wow. I’ve never had someone stand up for me like that.

[10;39PM]: Shit, don’t get into trouble for me. I would hate is something happened to you.

[10;40PM]: Well, damn. How badly did you hurt him?

[10;40PM]: Hopefully you won’t recognize it too much because I have a feeling I will be wearing that sweatshirt a lot.

[MERECK]

[10;41PM]: I won’t get in trouble. Promise.

[10;41PM]: I just shook him up a bit 😉 he deserved it.

[10;41PM]: you’re going to wear it in this heat?

[JONATHAN]

[10;42PM]: You better not. If you get kicked out I’ll be very upset.

[10;42PM]: If you say so, poet.

[10;42PM]: On occasion. Probably mostly at night.

[ponyregrets]

Is there any way you can do a Clarke POV for "No One Can Lift the Damn Thing" please? (I was going through your fics and was listing all the ones I would want an Alt-POV for, and they all involved Bellamy as James Potter, wow I have A Type.)

I feel kinda bad calling this a Clarke POV but whatev I had fun I like social media AUs

Original fic and alt POV on AO3!!

Raven: Just got my invite to Finn and Ontari's weddingYou?

Me: NopeDo you think they flipped a coin?Or she just gave him an ultimatum?LikeYou can invite one of your awkward exesBut only oneChoose wisely

Raven: Honestly, I'm guessing he never actually told his mom why we broke upAnd given the choice between telling her he cheated on me and I dumped his assAnd just inviting me to his weddingHe invited me to his wedding

Me: Yeah, that's definitely what happenedAre you going to go?

Raven: YupGot a hot girlfriendI like his parentsAnd I want him to feel awkward about shitToo bad he didn't invite you

Me: I really don't mindI feel like I dodged a bullet

Raven: You could have brought BellamyFinn was jealous of him BEFORE he was famous for being hotImagine how much he'd hate seeing you guys together now

Me: You know, I was going to say Bellamy has better things to do than go to a wedding just to piss off FinnBut then I remembered this is Bellamy we're talking aboutSo he'd probably do it

Raven: Yeah, I doubt fame changed him that muchSucks that you're not coming, thoughWe should get together soon

Me: Maybe I'll just come hang out in townCoincidentally

Raven: I know you're joking, but you shouldI bet Monty and Miller are going

Me: I'll think about it

*

supreme-girl-wonder posted: do you ever get amazed that people you went to college with are now getting married and have lives and seem to know what they're doing?? I think I might have the most competent group of college friends ever, it's really intimidating

but congrats to my cheating ex-boyfriend on his engagement and thanks for not inviting me to the wedding

Tagged: #no seriously #thanks #I really did not want to go #it would be awkward af but if he invited me I'd feel like I had to go #or else they were winning #glad I don't have to worry about that #I can just get drunk in the comfort of my own home instead

*

Bellamy: Did you book your hotel for Finn's wedding yet?What days are you going to be there?

Me: Hahaha that's cuteYou think Finn invited me to his wedding

Bellamy: He didn't?He invited me

Me: You're rich and famous

Bellamy: So are you, princessAre we calling you that again? Did we reclaim it from Finn?

Me: I prefer Supreme Leader nowI'm rich, but I'm not featured in tumblr gif setsPeople commission me to do fanart of you

Bellamy: And you haven't sent it to me?I thought we were friends, Clarke

Me: Is James/Sirius a pairing you're into?

Bellamy: Obviously

Me: Then I'll send you some links

Bellamy: AwesomeFinn really didn't invite you to the wedding?

Me: He used to hit on me in front of the woman he's now marryingWhile they were datingShe hated meOf course they didn't invite meThey'd probably keel over and die if I showed upRelated: Did you get a plus one?

Bellamy: YeahI was planning to get them really excited thinking I was bringing some famous actress or something and then I show up with Octavia

Me: Or you could show up with me

Bellamy: Yeah, that's a way better ideaSo, what nights do you want me to book the hotel?

*

Anonymous asked: do u know if bellamy blake has a gf????

supreme-girl-wonder answered: why would you ask me, a fanart blog, this

*

Bellamy: Is it weird that I feel bad flying first class?

Me: DefinitelyBut you're famous nowI assume you can afford a therapist to talk you through these issues

Bellamy: Why would I pay someone when you took that one psych course sophomore year?

Me: Good pointBad how?

Bellamy: Guilty, mostlyIt feels like such a waste of moneyBut holy shit it's so much nicerI feel bad for everyone who isn't in first class

Me: I'm flying coach soFuck you

Bellamy: I don't feel bad for you

Me: Wow, you're curedI'm better at this therapy thing than I thought

Bellamy: Ha ha.I hope the tone came across thereAnyway, I don't feel bad for you because you're richI assume you flew first class when you were a kidAlso I have to switch to airplane modeYou're boarding soon?

Me: Pretty soon, yeah

Bellamy: CoolSee you in Ohio

Me: Can't wait

*

siriusly-jily: omgkarakaradid u see the new bellamy pics????

supreme-girl-wonder: probably notI'm out of town for the weekendand pretty drunkwhat happened?

siriusly-jily: he's at some airport in ohioidk why, there aren't any cons or anythingwhat's in ohio????

supreme-girl-wonder: maybe he has a lifein ohiofor some reason

siriusly-jily: no wayactors exist only for our benefit :Panyway, he's got a gf :(people are saying it's clarke griffinthe vp's daughter

supreme-girl-wonder: wowam I just drunk or is that a lot of conclusions to jump to

siriusly-jily: check it outhttp://remus-lupin-lady.tumblr.com/post/138742714390/omg-omg-omgthere's more of him with fans but lbrthat's A LOT of huggingand I googled, it does look like the VP's daughter

supreme-girl-wonder: if they were dating they probably wouldn't be having their reunion in an airport in ohiojust saying

siriusly-jily: truuuuuuuuuuuuuuokay I gotta go to bedhave fun with whatever thing you're doing

supreme-girl-wonder: will dokeep me posted on Bellamy pics

*

Jasper: did you really bring FAMOUS ACTOR AND KNOWN DREAM BOAT BELLAMY BLAKE to this wedding???

Me: NopeHe brought me

Jasper: ohwellthat was my second guessgrats on landing a celebritybut I guess you're a celebrity too???so it makes sense

Me: You must be this famous to ride Are you coming over for video games?

Jasper: yes obvomw

*

Anonymous asked: omg kara do you follow m&m media??? they posted pix of them w bellamy and the vp's daughter??? apparently they're engaged??? im so heartbroken rn plz help

supreme-girl-wonder answered: Don't panic, anon! M&M have said they went to college with him like ten billion times. Quick google search says VP's daughter did too. So they're probably at a reunion or something. And let's be real, if you were posing for a picture with him, you'd want to be as close as possible too.

*

Raven: SooooooYou took off early last night

Me: Not THAT earlyWe danced a bunchI think Bellamy made a lot of dreams come true

Raven: Including yours?Seriously, I can't believe you never fucked him

Me: I was going to, but his mom diedBetter late than never, right?

Raven: [confetti emoji]Seriously I'm happy for you guysOne-time thing or?

Me: NoDefinitely notWe're going to try to dateIf we can make it workAnd if nothing elseNon-stop sex for the rest of the weekend

Raven: Well, we're doing breakfast in an hourSo make sure you come up for air so we can make fun of you

Me: You make it sound so funGetting breakfastInstead of having sex with my TV star boyfriend

Raven: One hourIf you're not there I'm going to break into your hotel room and post pics on tumblr

Me: OkaySee you in an hour

Raven: [kiss emoji]

*

natsukashii-na asked: Random question but do you have a gf now?? You've been reblogging some couple-y stuff and I was just wondering haha sorry if that's weird

supreme-girl-wonder answered: Boyfriend, actually! Bisexuality: it's awesome. But yeah, we've been together for about a month and it's going really well. Long distance right now but I'm moving in with him in a couple weeks. I'm really excited.

Tagged: #I know that sounds fast but #trust me #it definitely took us long enough

*

Anonymous asked: doesn't your bf mind that you're really into bellamy blake :/

supreme-girl-wonder answered: He'll live.

[alloutofhoneynutcheerios]

I had a pretty dumb day. Here's a long rant that I should just write in a diary but typing is so much faster and honestly posting rants feels nice. Because it's like letting it OUT rather than keeping it in a hidden journal. Idk it makes sense to me tho So I took off of work to go to Eeyore's birthday party (Every April Austin has this festival for Eeyore and it's SUPPOSED to be for kids to have fun and there's a costume contest and everyone dresses up but it's just an excuse for all of the hooligans to come out, smoke weed, and be naked. I see so many boobs flopping around. Not just girls in their 20s but like old ladies man.) so I drive and park way far away and I'm already af and feeling blah. I get to the thing and nobody takes cards and there are no atms and I can only afford a Popsicle so I get one and that keeps me happy for a while. BUT I'm there for over and hour waiting for my friend and her roommates. I do not do well in heat or big crowds of people, plus I hadn't eaten anything Bc I was planning on eating there. So there I am wandering around getting bumped into by sweaty naked hippies feeling like I'm about to fuckin pass out. So I walk deeper into the park where the festival doesn't creep into and sit on a rock for a while. I'm fuckin dying and my Popsicle is gone and I don't have water and all of the water there is like 4 bucks and I only had a 1 on me and like flashing boobs wouldn't even get me anything because there are so many everywhere anyway. So at this point I'm like ok fuck I really need water right now and text Ciara that I gotta go and start walkin to my car. I was gonna go to the soup peddler for water and see my friendos but I didn't because they all flirt with me a lot and I've been feeling bad about it lately Bc of Blaise? So I decided to just go to my car, met a kid having a lemonade stand, bought a bottle of water for a dollar- MIRACLE. And then all of a sudden after walking up a San Francisco fuckin hill, I run into fucking Séamus. (The guy that I think was trying to date rape me and either slipped something into my water or gave me k2 instead of weedo because I only took one hit (and I was like a mega stoner back then) and had a psychotic episode and almost died and he wouldn't call an ambulance so I texted my friend to because I was losing control of my body Bc PSYCHOTIC EPISODE) So that fuckin sucked. He grabbed my arm and was like "wow I'm so glad to see you're doing well" the FUCK SÉAMUS GO CHOKE. So I start having flashbacks and when I'm stressed or something triggers these flashbacks lately, I start feeling the symptoms. My therapist and I have been trying to work on it slowly so it doesn't make me freak out. And it's been happening less often but you can see how seeing the fucking guy who caused it would trigger that. So I start feeling the tube in my throat and the IVs and monitors on my arms. I'm already dehydrated and hungry and about to pass out so this is not good. My knees kept giving out and I kept almost falling?? That happened during my episode and I laid on the floor the whole time because I couldn't stand. So I started feeling that and I was still blocks from my car and the only thing I could think of to get me to get to my car to sit down and breathe and drink was "it's ok I'll see blaise soon and I'll get one of his Blaise hugs" And of course nah he's busy with Josiah and can't see me until hours later and I wasn't about to wait in Austin for hours in that condition. I mean I didn't wanna drive over an hour back home with no ac either but after having to wait on mike so much I am neeevvvvveeeerrrr waiting hours somewhere to go see a boy I'm done with that. So I get upset like honestly too upset and it's all because of everything going on and also feeling like blaise doesn't care and blaaahHHhjJJJJ So I start heading home and go to jack in the box in San Marcos. At a fuckin stop sign before I get there I get rear ended. So I pull over and the girl does too at first. We both got out, and she just yelled "IT LOOKS FINE HAVE A GOOD DAY" and runs back into her car and speeds off. Like she did all of it so fast I wasn't done looking at my bumper? Like it's probably fine but what the fuck man So I'm mad af and I go to jacks butthole and order some shit And before she hands me my food I just start crying like I just can't fuckin hold it in anymore It was so embarrassing So after I get my shit I pull over and read the texts blaise sent me while I was driving and send him a long one that's kinda harsh And someone Fucking Almost drove into me I was in a parking spot Oh my god I lost my fucking shit man I almost screamed But now I'm home and everything is fine and I am fine But Jesus Christ like I wasted an entire day I could've worked and made money that I really need or I could've gotten my homework done that I super need to do but nah I spent like 3 hours driving and more hours being alone and upset af I haven't been this angry or sad or anything in so so so soooooo long and it scared me a lot

[foreveragayicon]

1-50

u trying to kill me ma man. ill just leave out the ones i already answered k

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

i honestly dont know…i never hold hands

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

shy with strangers, outgoing w my friends

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

my friend rosalynn who i met on here and has turned out to be one of my best friends, who has been dealt a bad deal of cards and also @ice-kookie because she is a saint 

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i hope so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

i dont drink and i dont plan to so…

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

fuck fuck fuck dont make me go into this…

someone who is nice to their friends and doesn’t treat them like shit, considerate and knows how to flirt hella well, gets good grades and actually cares about their future, doesn’t smoke, drink, or do drugs (i joke but that is nasty as fuck sorry if u smoke and ur offended soz man its my opinion and i practically choke whenever i pass by someone smoking oop), messy hair but NOT greasy u know what i mean, morning voices, why are shirts a thing???, 

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

i hope so but no

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

this guy in my history class i need to get over him that little shit

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my friend ashleigh

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“goodnight” lmao im so typical

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

changes on the daily but (not in order)

caroline- aminé

dive- salvatore ganacci

oui- jeremih

sweet child o’ mine- guns and roses

money for nothing- dire straits, sting

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

only if theyre attractive r my best friend and they dont mess it up too much

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

hell yeah

15. What good thing happened this summer?

a lot of good things i cant pick :)

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

fuck no

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

we cant really be that self-centered to think they is no one but us in the world

19. Do you like bubble baths?

bring on the bubbles i say

20. Do you like your neighbors?

dont really know them…they are interesting i guess

22. Where would you like to travel?

everywhere!!!! i really want to go to the bahamas, bora bora, uganda, austria, argentina, el salvador, japan, canada, spain, etc.

i have been to ireland, england, italy, france, germany, mexico, ecuador, australia (just got back a few days ago!!!), cayman islands, galapagos island :)

23. Do you have trust issues?

is that even a question

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

going to bed hA

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my boobs tbh literally theyre so small whenever i wear a bathing suit it just doesnt fit right jiniew

26. What do you do when you wake up?

go back to bed HAHAHHA

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

wish i was a little tanner but im good

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my friend ash and rosalynn

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

nope

30. Do you ever want to get married?

yes :) i want a big white wedding

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

my hair is soooooo long its insane

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

no

33. Spell your name with your chin.

sikderfrfzzza = sierra

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

horseback riding, skiing, basketball, volleyball, track and field, etc i love sports man. is scuba diving a sport?? bc

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv. i could not live without music 

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

HAHAH STORY OF MY FUCKING LIFE

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i just tap my fingers tbh unless its my friend then i do something embarrassing because why not

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

plays volleyball and runs track, is sweet with words, considerate, loyal, doesnt have to be popular but confident, knows what they want to do with their life, cares about their grades, doesnt do drugs, smoke, drink, whatever, knows how to party, respects my morals…okay lets get into the good stuff hehhee….pleasant to see without a shirt ;), great kisser, knows how to treat me, can afford my expensive sport- horseback riding, horses are expensive as shit-, has hair i can run my fingers through, fuck i love people just give me someone

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

brandy melville, topshop, BP in nordstrom, express, target!!!

40. What do you want to do after high school?

it changes everyday tbhhhh.

i want to a large animal veterinary surgeon, plastic surgeon, dermatologist who specializes in cosmetic surgery, physical therapist, I DONT KNOW THSI SI TOO STRESSFUL

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

it depends on the situation tbh

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im super nervous and dont know what to say…thats what it means… or i like you… or i hate you

43. Do you smile at strangers?

of course

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

ive been to bottom of the ocean many times so outer space hehe

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

my mom yelling at me :)

46. What are you paranoid about?

the question should be what am i NOT paranoid about

47. Have you ever been high?

no

48. Have you ever been drunk?

no

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

not really im p good

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

pink

ill post the rest tomorrow im so tired

ask away

[forebodingowl]

ok ok ok. today. actually woke up at 8:30 a.m., i’m so proud of myself. lounged a little bit but then got myself ready and then went on a call with my psychiatrist. it was only like 15 minutes and i like them a lot, they’re very chill. then i ate breakfast and did my makeup, which took like an hour. my skin is still soooooo bad, but i’m adding in using tea tree oil at night and in the morning after all my face wash and exfoliation. it burns so good. just kidding, i got some in my eye and the burning is very, very bad. 

SO THENNN I took a bunch of selfies and some sexy ones for my partner Asa, and he *EGAD* changed his lockscreen on his phone to one of the selfies I took....... So, Mr. “before this goes any further, i only want this to be friends with benefits” clearly .... thinks about me way deeper than that if he wants to look at me every time he opens his phone. It made my heart burst. Flutter. I remember that feeling. The feeling of being in love. I HATE IT, I just got out of a long beautiful 3 year relationship, and I’m already falling in love with my FwB. great. it’s his fault though, he clearly is in love with me too. hehehe. 

i opened up tinder because i had been in really long long long conversations with this girl Tabi i always had a crush on who i knew from instagram. I havent talked to her in a month but i think that’s understandable with all the shit that’s been going on with me recently. even though its been a long time, she wanted to still talk, and now we talk on facebook messenger! she shared with me about recently coming out to her friends about her assault, changing her major to law when she decided she wanted to help represent LGBTQ+ clients in court, and about how she suddenly realized she has witch/psychic powers that have been in her bloodline for generations... brujeria! she’s latina. So we hit it right the fuck off again.... ANDDDD she’s an artist who teaches herself! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. she also has a chronic illness, and she’s soooooo cute and thicc. she’s married but they’re poly. could care less about the dude but i’d love to be friends with tabi and give her a bunch of kisses someday! she lives in R.I., so she’s a little drive but she says its only 40 minutes and she doesnt mind <3 

speaking of friends, i’ll be able to see Berquis soon. she’s a sweetheart. i’d love to be a better/closer friend to her. 

another thing that happened today. i ordered 6 rolls of sushi for only $20, and it came with two side salads. i munched on that all day and night, so it was lunch, dinner, and snacks. i have a HORRIBLE belly ache right now though and it must be from all the sushi.

after lunch i started working on a new self-portrait of myself. because the last one i drew was about 6 months ago now. i want to complete a new one to mark my progress in art, and see what has changed. its really frustrating me right now because i cant get the jawline or the eyes quite right.... since i wear really thick eyeliner i wanted that to come across in my drawing, and it just keeps making me look asian, which i do NOT want, so i keep making my eyes droopier since i have sad eyes, and then they still look asian but droopy. so i’m just gonna have to look at a few more art tutorials. 

then arielle and i decorated our disgusting aspic creation from the other day, took beautiful pictures with it and of it, and made our final video for the series of her tasting it. it is absolutely horrible, then we both watched Princess Mononoke for the first time together! I wish there was more demon arm action because i’m a 12 year old boy and i love that shit, but it was an old anime so it was much slower paced. i liked it but it was hard to pay attention at some points. then we watched some sabrina the teenage witch, i over-edited our gross aspic creation photos until it looked like a beatuiful piece of art, and then i got ready for bed and showered and everything and look at me now, i’m lying in bed typing this huge journal! i didn’t feel like i did much today but after typing this all out i can see that i did. 

OH AND MY SCHOOL GOT BACK TO ME, i have to pay them up front to finish my classes. either cash, check, or alternative loan, or financial aid package unrelated to my school. obviously i can’t do that right now. i’m honestly caring less and less about that degree every day. it seems more and more out of reach that i’ll ever be a therapist. i’d love to be a group therapist. maybe i can do it when i’m old. i’ll finally be financially secure enough to get my education in order and i can lead some group therapy sessions. it sounds like a nice plan. 

my stomach hurts sooooooo fucking bad from the sushi, too much spicy salmon, ahhhhhh! 

alright till next time. love ya girlie xoxo