#my sleep issues make things suck sooooo bad man

[motheyes]

god i feel terrible 😭

[tordistic]

Headcanons masterpost... or something

Its ridiculously long auhhh

Edd

Is a criminal banned from 98 countries 💔

But seriously, his ass does not get funds in a legal way. He used to be a hitman (pre-EW till '05-ish), and only does these sorts of jobs again if he has to. Thats why hes totally ok with killing people. Hes also ok with stealing and committing fraud, both which he also has done

Got a forklift certificate after the Hammer & Fail events. Originally it was just in case they decided to try to build something again. But due to my headcanon regarding the coke ban, you may have noticed that he used it with other motives.

Speaking of the cola free future: the reason why he's taller even though hes already an adult is due to radiation. It gave him a growth sprout on the long run.

Chronic insomniac, treats in with ambien, ends up with him in weird situations.

Forces his buddies to witness horrible stuff he finds on the internet, since he "refuses to suffer alone".

Theres a zero chance hes allo. Not allosexual. Not alloromantic. He just doesnt realize it since he doesnt think about his orientation. But believes he's bi since he feels the same way regarding men and women.

Tom

Hes humanoid, but not human. Explains the void eyes and the monster form. But nobody really cares about it, so its never explained lol

Unlike Edd, he tries to have a job that doesn't involve crime (usually retail). But due to comedy cartoon reasons, he's in and out of being employed.

When unemployed, he works on music composition and film making. Is it good? No, it fucking sucks. But it keeps him occupied at least.

Enjoys working with MIDIS. The type of guy that makes covers of full albums with the Mario 64 soundfont.

Yes, he can talk to inanimate objects. No, he never told the guys. Yes, they think he's out of his mind.

Not really insomniac, but his sleep cycle is BAD. Instead of going to a check up, he just drinks till he passes out.

Due to his non human nature, he can keep drinking alcohol and not suffer mayor consequences from it (coma, death, liver failure...). He doesn't know this.

Has piercings. They end up closing really quickly but hes a idiot so he keeps opening them back again and again

Transgender. Realized when he was a lad, and has been out since. Sometimes he forgets about it.

Bisexual, doesn't mind dating women, man, both, neither, cacti... Will be with anyone with or without a pulse!

Matt

Non human, thanks to the vampiric and the zombie episodes. So hes technically dead, but not really, sooooo a ghoul?. He can also eat raw meat without issue, but tries to avoid it. Is not cuz he doesn't like how it tastes or moral reasons, its cuz he gets scolded by the rest of the group

Used to work in retail till '07. Ever since he stopped, he's become a happier person.

But SOMEHOW, he has the best sleep cycle out off all of them. How he does it is a mystery.

He also dislikes when the guys even mention those episodes. He doesn't like remembering that he tried killing his friends more than once. He's also not sorry!

He's kind of a failson? But instead of mooching off his family, he mooches off his friends. He has tried at least three times to come up with a startup and ended up turning it into a MLM

His purple jumper came with an amoeba. He named it Richard and its the reason why he got dumber with time (brains ated)

He definitely still has world domination goals in mind, he's just too lazy to actually do it, and would rather prefer if someone gave him all the power he wanted.

Still a bitch! He's... Pretty manipulative. It doesn't work with the guys cuz they've lived with him for years and know how he acts.

"Matt door hand hook bomb door" was the only explanation given when asked about his future appearance (the jaw and eye thing). Not a single person has elaborated further.

Does a lil self care, to the point he and his room smells like a LUSH store....

Bi/Pan. Prefers dating women but doesn't mind dating someone whos not. Still, nobody wants him, so its double the failure u_u

Tord

He used to be a hitman as well, but stopped when all the Red Army stuff happened.

A great part of his book collection are manifestos and essays (the rest, ofc, being hentai).

Yknow those ahegao clothing? Yes, he has a full outfit of them. The rest has tried burning them so he won't wear them again, but it doesn't work!

Speaking of the Red Army... He's not the Red Leader, but thats due to the Leader not being real per se.

He also convinced the guys to join in the future loll

Also not technically insomniac, but he spends most of his nights binge-watching series, so his sleep schedule is also terrible

My guy hasnt seen a shower in a while. He definitely smells like something burnt though

Learnt mechanical engineering out of spite. Tom called him dumb so to prove him wrong he became a engineer all by himself.

Between leaving the house and returning, he was involved in a shoot out. He was scratched by a bullet and got injured in his face. Thats why he has a scar. Also thats why i draw him sometimes with a piece of his ear missing

Some type of queer (gender? orientation?), but refuses to accept it. Homophobic gay sort of deal. The if you gave him estrogen then none of this would have happened sort of fellow

The group (in general)

All of them in canon have a kill count in the dozens. I believe they all have a certain reputation for killing a shiton of zombies during the apocalypses (in plural), and are sometimes all tasked to go and take some undead peeps out. It gets boring after a while, but the pays good!

But the only actual hitmens were Edd & Tord. As in, they got paid to kill people. Matt & Tom have also killed humans but they weren't rewarded for it. Sad! Oh well.

They all come back to life with the power of comedy! If its funny if they die, then they die. If it's funnier if they don't, then they dont!

Theyre all autistic. All of them. And not a single one of them has realized.

I'll edit dis when I get a new vision or something idko

[mellow-worlds]

older rants

I kind of want to feel the same way it felt that day my aunt and uncle wouldn't leave me alone and forced me to eat. I don't want that part, but before eating anything, I was probably as close to fainting as ever. I want to faint. Do I? Well, I want people to know I'm unwell. I suppose fainting would be very dramatic. But it would make my issue seem real. It honestly feels a little wring to be so whiny when in reality, nothing much has happened. I'm not being that whiny, but I'm pretending to be super anorexic or whatever, when I'm not. I just don't eat all that much and do intermittent fasting overkill but hahsjs ksjsjbshs I'm fine. I do still have some anorexic traits and thought patterns but that doesn't mean I am anorexic. I havent even been doing this for all that long, maybe 3 weeks?? And honestly, feeling weak is awful. But it'd be real? I just hope the pain doesn't come back. Anorexia is super painful. I hope it doesn't sneak behind my eyelids while I try to sleep and I hope it doesn't make me moan in pain.I'm so jealous of the people who are naturally skinny. I'm so jealous of K. I should eat healthily. Ofc I'm not losing weight if I only eat sugar. And I'll try to exercise at least a little. Hhh. I guess it's a start. And I eat so unhealthily, anything would be an improvement.

I think I have so many toxic traits because of my abysmal self esteem. For example my constant need for validation and attention and in the past my need of some sort of control and wanting to be seen as good and being marvelled at which never happened lmao. But then again, sometimes I do think I'm pretty smart? Evidence says otherwise but sometimes I do feel a little smart. And sometimes I think my face shape is pretty. So maybe my self esteem isn't as bad as I'm claiming it is? Maybe it's not to blame for me being a terrible person?Talking with P today was so nice. It was only short but very very nice. L was also there and we laughed a lot and gosh I like this man so much. I think I'll really just "keep trying". It's fine. We can be friends. Rn I'm not as willing anymore to kms because I talked to G at uni again and it was a lot of fun, but honestly...... yeah no. It's the right thing to do.

Anyway, P looks so good. :) I really do get obsessed too easily. Is it obsession though? I just write about him a lot, I don't necessarily think about him incessantly. He does look very good, especially with his glasses. Today in the lecture, our arms touched just a little bit. And he smells sooooo good. Even his tobacco smells nice somehow. But he also has this other scent that's just so nice. Idk I think I could gush about him for the rest of time. Maybe. I think he's awesome.I really, really enjoyed talking to him and L. And I hope to talk more with L in the future in general. And ofc I wish I never stopped talking to P. I wish he liked me. Istg I'm trying. I'm trying to be better and prettier. I wish I was good enough for like literally anything. I'm not really anything and not good enough yo be anything. I wish I was skinny so P could have half a reason to like me.I saw that there's scars on L's arm. They looked artificial, but also well healed and I couldn't really get a good look. I don't really know what to make of this. She doesn't seem like the type of person to hurt herself, she's too sweet. But I suppose I shouldn't try to deny it? And I guess that ultimately, it doesn't affect me. She seems really happy now, I don't think I have to be worried. Makes me wonder what people would think about my scars. Luckily, so far no one really seems to have noticed. Maybe this one girl from my old class. Or A and J. Definitely no one from uni :). Sucks enough that my sisters know. I also wonder how people will react when I kms. I suppose I also don't seem like the type of person to do so. Momentarily, I'm super happy. Yk, when I get to talk to friends. It turn to shit the minute I'm left to myself. And this morning, thinking about P, it really made me sad. He'll never like me. It's fine. Just sad. I shouldn't be sad about things i could expect. Still am. Oh well.

[ltleflrt]

So I was having a conversation on Discord about omegaverse tonight, and my brain won’t shut up about it, because as usual I come up with my arguments after the discussion is over.  I should have been asleep 3 hours ago, but it’s hot and I can’t unwind, so I’m going to stay up EVEN LATER while the a/c brings things down a few degrees, and I try to get these thoughts out of my head.

I was pro-omegaverse, and trying to explain why *I personally* like the genre, and why I think even with it’s problematic origins and frequently used elements, it’s still a cool genre.  I was essentially having 2 discussions, but they were both using my answers to their questions, even though I was usually addressing them 1 at a time.  That happens when you’re in a Discord chat, and I wasn’t @ing my answers to them, since we were all in the room together.  And I think that cunfuddled the discussion and my thoughts.  So here’s a breakdown.

Issue 1. Biological Essentialism is gross and rapey.

Answer:  Yes, it is.  But so what?  Some people like pure rape-fantasy.  Is it healthy?  That can be argued either way, and it definitely depends on the person writing, or the person reading.  People like gross and rapey stories to get their rocks off.  Whether we like non-con or not, rape fics should be allowed to exist because some people like it.  It doesn’t matter if I think their reasons are valid.  As long as they’re not actively trying to harm someone, let people get down and dirty with their rapey fantasies.

Also, the whole biological imperative to mate isn’t that far off from Soulmate AUs.  Truemates = Soulmates.  Whether we like Soulmate AUs or not, are we also arguing that they shouldn’t exist because they’re problematic?  No, we’re not.  Soulmate AUs are romantic for a lot of people.  Let people have their uncomplicated, fluffy, 1 Destined Love stories.

Something to keep in mind though, is that not all omegaverse fics use the true mate trope.  And quite a lot of fics have characters with a lot more self control during their mating cycles than what you’d find in the short smutty one shots.  It’s common for them to avoid each other during heats, and only share their mating cycle as an act of love, trust, and devotion.  After they’ve been dating for a while.  (I love it when the alpha brings over snacks and water for the omega, and immediately hightails it out of there once they get a whiff of their sexy love interest.  “Take care of yourself, text me when you feel better, loveyoubye! *nyoooom*”)

Issue 2. It’s transphobic.

Answer:  This one is harder to argue, because yeah.  It can be.  But so can non-omegaverse.  Transphobia is, unfortunately, everywhere.  Exploring human gender through non-human gendered beings isn’t a bad thing though.  Cis people should be allowed to explore those things too.  This is step 1 to fighting the Patriarchy.  Questioning it.  Someone may come out of the experience still cis, but they’re going to be more open minded to trans people.  Not to mention, all the trans and enby folks who probably figured themselves out through the gender exploration to be found in omegaverse.

Now, if someone’s into omegaverse and they tell you they won’t read a story about a trans character?  Red flag.

Personally, I like the gender exploration in omegaverse.  Not just in the hormonal stuff, although I do kinda love the idea of seeing cis male characters suffer cramps once a month lol... but I like the stuff about social inequality that women have to go through mapped onto a male character.

I brought this up in the chat, and my use of the term “women’s issues” raised a terfy flag I think, which upset me and made it harder to make my point.  Cuz if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s terfy.  But I do see women’s issues as also trans issues.  Trans Men are treated differently after they start to present as male.  There’s a marked difference between their treatment as a woman pre-transition, and as a man afterwards.  And they still have to be really careful about accidental pregnancy.  I cannot fathom how awful the dysphoria would be for them if they get pregnant.  Trans Women are treated horribly pre-transition if they give any hint of feminine interests.  There’s a reason “girly” is an insult, and it’s because Toxic Masculinity Is The Worst.  And then when they transition?  Hooooboy, gods bless those ladies because Trans Women are treated worse than Cis Women on the social pyramid.  And Enbies?  Oh you sweet things, how the hell do you deal with the rest of us bastards? 

When I say that I am interested in seeing the characters I like deal with women’s issues, I am talking about social inequality, not just periods and cramps (although that a little bit too, because I wish a cis man could just fucking UNDERSTAND why I need a goddamn nap okay? lol), but also sexual health rights, including birth control, including the right to choose whether or not to take hormones, the right to equal pay, the right to equal education.  Feminism, for me, includes trans and enby folks at the table. 

But anyway, the characters I like right now just happen to be men.  I see Dean as a man.  That could mean he’s a trans man too, because trans men are men, yo.  Castiel I see either as a man or non-binary.  So if I want to put them through “women’s issues”, I have to plunk them in a special universe for that.  No one is writing Matriarchy AUs, so Omegaverse it is!

(Side note: If my OTP were f/f, I’d still like omegaverse.  And I could see lots of interesting ways to use all those same tropes for 2 female presenting characters.  So it has nothing to do with genitalia.  Unless it’s smut.  But I swing all the ways, so still not an issue for me lol)

(Side note part deux: I like to read trans stories too.  They have unique things about them that cannot be found in stories about cis characters, even in omegaverse.  And when I see Dean and Cas as men or enby, I’m not putting down people who like them gender flipped.  I just see myself enjoying Trans Woman Claire dating Enby Kaia, more than I’d like to see Dean or Cas written as cis/trans-women.)

Issue 3.  Internalized misogyny!

Answer: This is an argument used against women shipping m/m in general, and has nothing to do with omegaverse.  It just so happens that omegaverse was created for m/m pairings.  But there are TONS of reasons we ship more m/m than any other pairings, ranging from those are the most interesting characters presented to us, to--yes--internalized misogyny.  But I’m tired of that one.  Internalized misogyny is rampant, and telling women that their fantasies are problematic isn’t going to cure them.  There’s better ways to go about it. 

Omegaverse now covers m/f and f/f pairings as well, sooooo... yeah, this one just doesn’t hold water like it used to.  We just need to yoink the media out of the hands of the cis-men who are mostly in charge, and make them give us more compelling women to ship.

Issue 4: That’s not how human bodies work.

Answer: They’re not human lol!  Okay but real talk here.  This issue actually sounds transphobic to me, because it strikes very close to the XX vs XY chromosomes argument.  Omegaverse characters have intersex variations.  Alpha females and Omega males can have both a penis and a vagina in some fics.  It depends on how the author wants to write it, of course.  I usually go with the (horrifying) cloaca for omega males, and the (hyena inspired) psueudo-penis for alpha females instead, but to each writer their own lol

But again... not human.  Let wet buttholes be a thing, lube is expensive and sometimes the bottle gets tangled in the sheets, and you have to stop what you’re doing to find it and... anyway, convenience in fantasy sex is nice lol

In Conclusion: 

Personally, I only like non-traditional omegaverse.  The stuff that subverts the “problematic” tropes.  I was asked what I liked about the genre, and when I explained, it devolved into discussion of the topics above.  But I think what was forgotten in that discussion, was that I kept saying I don’t like the “problematic” things.  I like flipping the tropes.  Which I like in general, when I’m looking for things to read.  I mean, how many Castiel Thinks He’s Straight fics are there?  Not many!  So I wrote one!  Because flipping tropes is my jam! 

I don’t like Soulmate AUs, but with the proper twist I can still enjoy it.  I don’t like Highschool AUs, but I’ve read some that touched me so deeply I still think of them years later.  There’s always someone subverting the tropes I don’t like and turning them into something I do like.

And yet even though I kept saying I liked the subversion of the genre, the discussion kept coming back around to the parts of omegaverse that I *don’t* like.  I will still defend anyone’s right to like the parts of it that aren’t for me though, so I argued away XD

And? Sometimes I like the dark problematic stuff when I’m in the mood to get my rocks off.  Don’t judge, you’re all a little weird in some way or another ;D

Anywho, now that I got this stuff off my chest, hopefully I can sleep.  It has also cooled down by like 4 degrees, and I no longer feel like I’m going to melt in my sleep.  Tomorrow is going to suck, because I have to get up in 5 hours.  Yay!

[elias-code]

My OC's relationships on the Dream SMP

These are all characters, not the actual streamers! <3 It's also not all of them since I don't watch a few of them :) I harbour no hate towards the people behind the characters that I have issues with lmao

Awesamdude - Negative relationship - basically, he let Quackity get away with putting Techno away, let Tommy die and get revived by Dream and then never apologised, and then let ghostbur die and... wtf - Yeah we aren't friends. In another universe, if he weren't the warden, we might get along.

BadBoyHalo - He kinda gives me bad vibes - After the egg stuff I just don't really like to be around him... he killed Foolish and tried to kill everyone at the banquet which I just don't vibe with - I kinda understand why he joined the egg. I mean he was there for Skeppy which I think is ok, but he really went off the deep end. If he redeems himself, I'll be the first to befriend him (cautiously)

Callahan - Alright I taught him some American Sign Language for basic communication - I go and hang out with him whenever I feel like there's too much angst on the server, he's so neutral it's honestly relaxing.

Captain Puffy - We don't know each other very well - I mean I agree with her when it comes to the egg and she seems nice but it's hard to be friends with her when her son is Dream... poor Foolish, though.

Connor - I don't know how to feel about him - I don't have anything against him but... he just seems like someone I wouldn't get along with so I don't hang out with him. He is kinda funny tho

Dream - Ok, ok, he's just an ass - I'm not even gonna list why, you know why... I'm just saying. - I do feel bad for him since Quackity just beats the living shit out of him and he's already in prison so why...?

Dream XD - I fear no man... but that thing... it scares me. - Why his voice do that?? - I avoid him but if he approached me, I would be ok with being his friend, I mean he's a god. If I don't then I might die. Might as well use it to the fullest extent I can.

Eret - I don't really understand why he joined the opposing side during the L'Manburg war - I mean she's cool! I like their outfits and it's nice to have another queer person on the DSMP - I think we'd be good friends in another life, but our friend groups don't overlap very much, so it's hard to hang with them.

Foolish - Little bit scary ngl - Lightning go brrrrrr - I feel really bad for him since he's gotta be related to Dream and he died during the egg shit. That's just cruel. - also I don't really vibe with his personality but I do like to talk to him about his building ventures since I also love to build

Fundy - I feel sooooo bad for him - He's super cute, super sweet, and he just deserves more love - I plant sweet berries around his house to brighten his day whenever I can and I also feed his fox - I love to talk to him and he teaches me dutch sometimes because it's an interesting language. Also, he just deserves a good role model in his life... Like Will kinda sucked as his dad, Schlatt was not a good role model, and his friends don't really care about him. :( - Um also (IRL) he's the reason I started watching the DSMP, I love coding and Dutch so it was a very good mix for me

George - I sleep the opposite amount that he does. - I love his mushroom aesthetic but I stay away from him in fear of Dream XD. - I don't have a lot to say about him since he's not on the dsmp much

Jack Manifold - Yo he's lowkey annoying??? - Give Tommy his hotel back??? He died??? - If he were nicer to Tommy I'd be his friend but he's gotta get his shit together lmao

Jschlatt - Fuck that guy - bruh, he ruined L'Manburg?? - He drinks too much, not surprised he had a heart attack oof

Glatt - Ghost Schlatt gives me such chaotic evil vibes - I enjoy his presence much more than I enjoy his living presence. - I like the fact that he's kinda useless and can't do anything. It's like going to a zoo to see a creature you wouldn't want to see in the wild

Karl Jacobs - I feel bad that he's losing his memory, he's such a fun character. - I like to hang out with him but he makes me sad and also our friend groups do not vibe with each other oof

Niki Nihachu - She's super sweet and absolutely terrifying. - I love to help her bake and its super fun to try out new recipes with her - People really underestimate her and in return for her help with the baking, I help her train her fighting skills.

Philza - DADZA - I get in trouble with him a lot oof, I like to troll people so it happens quite a bit. Also, I take the blame for a lot of the stuff Techno and I get up to as well as with the bench trio. - He taught me how to sew and crochet so I can make my own clothes. I also build with him whenever he asks for help

Quackity - Scared. - He's rude and evil and I dislike him... gambling bad - I like Charlie and I think he's a good influence on Quackity but tbh I feel the same as Techno in this scenario. I am not a Quackity apologist!

Ranboo - I have the same vibe as him. We are one and the same. - I keep an eye on him during his enderwalks, he worries me sometimes. - Out of everyone in the bench trio, we get along the best. I take care of Michael sometimes when he's out doing Snowchester stuff with Tubbo.

Sapnap - I mean I dislike him a little, he throws off my vibe. - He's on the wrong side of everything imo, just stop being weird, big man... - Also I mean I don't understand why he threatened Dream with torture if he ever escaped. Like you don't have to tell him that, just do it? - We have very similar voices (IRL oh no) and so I'll mess with people by doing my best impression of him

Skeppy - One of the many victims of my trolling (with techno usually) - He's fun to hang out with for a while but I can't handle being around him for too long, he gives me a headache - Sometimes I wonder if he's actually made out of diamonds... should I kill him and see what happens?

Charlie (Slimecicle) - BEST BOY I LOVE HIM - HE'S SO CUTE DAP ME UP - Honestly, we get along soooo well, he reminds me of a slime for some reason, hmmmmmmmm - I try to teach him human-ness because if he doesn't want to look like a slime then there's no reason for me to say no

Technoblade - Ah yes the best one on the SMP - He did not like me at first, I can be a bit annoying oh no - Eventually, he got a soft spot for me since we have the same sense of humour and I love to mess with people - I sympathise with him, he deserves so much more than he's getting. - I wish he didn't express his emotions as anger all the time since it really affects everyone. He's got some anger issues and I try to deal with them with him.

TommyInnit - Omg I still find him annoying but I love to hang out with him like Wilbur does. - He needs to learn some boundaries but he is still a kid, so it doesn't really matter. I think people have to stop being little shits to him since his brain hasn't fully formed, like all adolescents. - He's very sweet sometimes and I appreciate his assistance in a lot of random tasks

Tubbo - I am allergic to bees so we can't hang too much - I like to chill with him and Ranboo and sometimes him and Tommy, but I'm always telling Tommy off for being a little shit to Tubbo. - I do not approve of his governmental ways, but his heart is in the right place. Also, why do you have nukes?

Wilbur Soot - Too much government, I do not approve - not a good father - Eventually, he stopped governmenting so whatever, no more animosity from me, eh?

Ghostbur - Awww he gave me blue - how dare he die twice - I love friend, I walked him sometimes. So glad he has infinite canon lives - I wish he had more time on the SMP, he's super sweet and his vibe is amazing

Revivebur - Alright he's kinda cool, I like his hair. - He doesn't have any governmental plans thank god - He's a bit worrying but he hasn't done anything yet. I'll just keep my eyes on him.

That's it, just doing this for fun! I have a lot of things in the works, don't worry! If you're curious as to what I'm working on, take a look at my masterlist (it's on my page at the top where my asks are) If you do have any asks please give 'em to me, I love to write for you guys :)

THANK YOU FOR 80 FOLLOWERS!

[in-tua-deep]

tua s1 rewatch with my roommate

episode one (I forgot for the first episode oops):

I have been treated to pictures of a lovely cosplay of Klaus who won a cosplay contest my roommate was in !!

Klaus putting his arm in front of Five during the funeral fight is good shit

“I have heard like nothing about Vanya” “yeah that’s pretty much how she’s treated in show as well”

“I can see why he’s the fandom favorite” - about Klaus

“Istanbul is in the firST EPISODE?”

I forGOT about the “rapists can climb” line when he breaks into Vanya’s apartment omg but also like,, his dumb arm wound

Episode two:

HERR CARLSON

Aww baby fives first time travel his little smile. Baby. Baby boy. And the dawning horror in the apocalypse baby nO

Five: you got anything stronger

Also five: takes one sip and then fills up more, takes another sip, and then immediately puts it down ?????

The motel dude for hazel and cha cha just looks at them like “yeah these are serial killers” and just rolls with it

Also actually why tf doesn’t the commission spring for better stuff?? Why would they cut costs?? They time travel? They could game the stock market so hard ?????? Give the assassins their own rooms omg

Also why didn’t five like. Crush his tracker. Why did he just leave it whole and intact outside of the Griddys.

Forgot how much I love Agnes

(Oh man it is storming bad here it just BOOMED)

Also idk if Diego actually deserved that taser hmmmmm but also like,, communication lads five was literally right there killing people and Diego is like “hmm something is up here” like. Yeah Diego ur big brother “I can get my sibling in trouble for something” senses are tingling

Wow I really did repress all these Allison and Luther scenes huh. Also it’s still super cute that Allison read Claire moon books

Allison: dads heart gave out, which wasn’t how I was expecting to find out dad had a heart but it tracks

“SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE BEN... said with love 😘”

Did five actually sleep at Vanyas?? The sofa looks undisturbed but he had to wait for work hours to interrogate the meritech people,, five,, please sleep. The whole “IF YOU CALL ME YOUNG MAN ONE MORE TIME” interaction makes more sense with five on. Zero sleep.

I didn’t remember that Patch straight up knows about the umbrella academy oops. Like she clocks Diego as overcompensating for his childhood. Queen

Is that an umbrella adademy Diego cross stitch on Diego’s wall?? Did he buy that? Make it?? Did grace make it?

Vanya, walking into the academy: five??? five? pspspspspsps

Also like. Who was Vanyas therapist??? Clearly they did not help her

Aww the tow truck driver :(

I know the show wants me to dislike Patrick I KNOW,, and I think her fathers funeral is extenuating circumstance?? But still Patrick is valid for not giving an inch regarding his ex who mind controlled his child. Vanya didn’t really deserve Allison snapping at her but like. She had some good points. Allison arguably would have had to deal with vanyas book more than anyone else

Five smiling proudly at Klaus’s drama at meritech bless but also KLAUS DONT BREAK GLASS ON YOURSELF

Me, spotting Leonard: BASTARD

Love how everyone greets Diego in the gym and don’t question all his knives or anything like “yeah that’s Diego he lives here and loves knives :)”

Why could Leonard have not been like. A normal ass guy. Vanya needs friends who sympathize with her holy shit get this person some socialization

Pogo really did have to lead these kids by hand to the recording rooms because literally no one was super invested in reginalds ~murder mystery~

ahafahJAGSJWGAI MY ROOMMATE JUST SAID POGO IS THE BEST CHARACTER SO FAR,,,, I will probably never include pogo in my fics because I do Not Care About Him lmaoooo

Aww five does to see Dolores and being like “it’s been a rough couple of days :(“,,,,, baby,,,, but also tag yourself I’m hazel going “elastic wrist splint yesssssss”

Five I am begging you PLEASE get some sleep

OH FIVE SHAKING DIEGO IN THE APOCALYPSE TO TRY AND WAKE HIM UP OHHHHH OH :(

Episode 3:

my roommate is super faceblind which is an issue bc she identifies people mainly by hairstyle so seeing the s2 stuff on tumblr is tripping her over bc she keeps seeing diego and going ??? who is that again? bc she’s seen his longer hair

okay there is no way that the eggs that grace put in that pan are the ones that ended up on the smiley face breakfast plate,,, but also grace that whole scene was a mood honestly i would be like “okay maybe mom killed dad BUT he deserved it sooooo”

“what the FUCK” - my roommate about cha-cha’s shitty wound care where she holds a curling iron against her arm

i didn’t remember that five got shOT AT THE DEPARTMENT STORE did i just erase that from my memory?? i mean yeah it’s a graze but he stitches it up and then slaps a bandaid on it so he has a wound that needed stitches on his shoulder for the entire show ??????? is he okay???? that would make moving your arm,,, painful,,,,,

a bandaid just slapped over it i’m actively yelling

“Sometimes when I see a million gifs of a show before I watch I get really surprised when they talk but he is exactly what I expected” - my roommate, about five

“I noticed they’ve only really showed diego in really badly lit scenes so far” - my roommate defending her lack of ability to recognize diego

i’m still laughing about pogo literally having to point out the murder tapes and now allison and luther are investigating and just. allison is lowkey defending grace and i’m laughing

“why is he saying woodwork is embarrassing that’s like one of the most middle of the wood hobbies to have. you’re respectable to grandpas who used to carve wooden ducks AND twenty-year-olds who can’t make anything to save their lives” - my roommate on leonard peabody

“i think he’s already crossing some lines he’s met this lady ONCE” - roommate on leonard/vanya

five having flashbacks in the car :(

did allison and luther draw straws for who went to fetch which sibling?? allison was like “dibs on vanya” and luther was just like “aww :(”

five luther and klaus in the van - BOYS NIGHT BOYS NIGHT let’s go pick up diego

“the coat he’s wearing does have a nice swish to it” - roommate about klaus’s coat

luther being like “you’re just as messed up as the rest of us and we’re all you have” like luther,,, baby,,,,, you literally ARE all he has,,,,,, his family is the only thing he’s really cared about since he was thirteen and maybe before then :(

“I can’t tell if those are supposed to be cake or yeast donuts... i think extruded donuts are cake donuts but she said she lets them rise so maybe they’re yeast?” - my roommate focusing on all the things that i do not

sometimes i forget that hazel and cha-cha pretended to be private detectives trying to find a lost child in a potentially dangerous situation,,, five would be disgusted

“she shouldn’t get a vote” “i was gonna say i agree with you” “she should get a vote!!” this is peak sibling energy honestly i think i’ve had that exact interaction with my siblings voting for a movie or something

“hashtag android rights” 

“I want to be the tailor who gets a call one day that says ‘i want you to make clothes for a chimpanzee”

is it telling that only luther in the flashback didn’t really talk to grace at all,, i mean five didn’t either but i think he was gone by that point in the flashback ???? 

wait diego tells grace that she worked for him for thirty years,,, the kids are 29 and later it’s implied she was built bc vanya kept killing nannies when they were like four but maybe s2 clarifies that some more?? or diego just is rounding up

“that’s an interesting fabric to her skirt” - my roommate about grace’s outfit

forgot that hazel and cha cha broke the door to the manor busting in,, do they ever fix that?? we’re only at episode three do they spend the rest of the season with their door open to anyone on the streets

okay that bathtub is WAY too small to allow for klaus to be moving his elbows about like that underwater smh

“how is HE useful on mission??” my roommate about klaus

where is the SECURITY SYSTEM??? luther LITERALLY said that reggie was more paranoid and yet some assassin can just bust down the door and have unrestricted access????? he built a whole ROBOT but no security system????????

“maybe it was like,, practice for the kids? someone breaks in and they take care of it? wait no that doesn’t explain the thirteen years they’ve been gone?”

“why WAS he on the moon?” - about luther

“I want to see what she’s embroidering!!” about grace during the gunfight in the living room she’s absolutely ignoring diego getting shot at

what is a rope-a-dope,,,, diego yells “EVER HEARD OF A ROPE-A-DOPE???” at luther but like. no i haven’t. what does that MEAN diego

aww i forgot they played sinnerman, love that song

“what are you doing dude, rumor has it you’re not shooting at me that’s all you need to do” i mean. the roommate is not wrong. allison could just end the fight with a yell. i understand she’s pissed off and has rumor trauma but like cha cha is actively trying to murder them

how is luther not winning he literally has super strength. does hazel have super strength? just punch the man and knock him out jesus y’all suck at this smh

why is there such intense music we all been knew about luther’s strength - oH HIS BODY

forgot about that

is it allison’s fault that klaus got kidnapped because she didn’t literally just rumor them to give up?? like she literally has that power. she could have been like “i heard a rumor you left and forgot about us” it didn’t even need to be violent?? i understand she has rumor trauma but this i feel is allowable circumstances

diego showing his worry about vanya by getting angry which honestly i think all the siblings do that rip none of these idiots have even heard of healthy communication in their LIVES

you know,, i don’t think vanya can drive. she takes the bus. she took a taxi to leonard’s house. we see her walking a lot. does she know how to drive?? i imagine that the umbrella academy were taught bc of mission related stuff but,,, vanya wasn’t?? that’s just depressing tbh

[narwalbby]

👉👈 headcanons of your favorite assclass boys as your boyfriends🥺pweasee

You just love seeing people self Ship, I get it =.=

Nah I‘m messing with you, I love you for this Lizzie shshshhs ✨💞

Just hope nobody thinks I‘m annoying for this nghhh

——————————

Self Ship Alert 🚨

Karma

NGHHHH PURE CHAOS

We probably break up 5 times a day and get back together because we’re clowns 🤡

Many arguments, he screams a lot and I‘m always crying then

Karma isn’t really affectionate in public, but he can be possessive sometimes

Tbh I‘d just hold his hand all of the time

I kinda feel bad for him because I‘m so fucking insecure he‘d think it’s annoying

I just... wanna lay my head on his lap and talk to him about anything we can think of

Sending each other memes at 2AM? Hell yeah

Our galleries are full of ugly ass pics of each other I can tell you that

I‘d say I‘m a good listener so I‘d listen to all his problems

It’s hard for him to open up but eventually he does

How his parents neglected him, how the teachers only disappointed him

He‘d tell me everything

And I‘d listen

We cry a lot okay (At least I do🤡)

He loves it when I play with his hair

And I love his fangs (THEYRE SO CUTE I ABSOSNELWME I‘m Simping)

My parents hate him (jk they don’t, they‘d just be traumatized)

I always carry bandaids for mah boy, in case he fights again

Also I make sure this bitch stays hydrated bc I care about other people‘s health okay 😡😡

He teased me a lot about being taller than him

But I started crying and he never did it again

(I hate my height and I hate people making jokes about me being tall so yeah HAHSH)

I‘m hurt easily, but Karma reassures me that he‘s just kidding and kisses my forehead to calm me down

Useless when I have panic attacks but that’s fine, I still love him

Movie dates 🥺✨

Even tho I‘m taller I‘m still gonna steal his clothes, watch me hoes 💀🖕🏼

Kissing his cheek results in him blushing softly and It’s so adorable I can tell you

Makes fun of me bc I suck at math but it’s fair HSHS

Gakushu

I don’t even know HOW this would work

I‘d start shit with his Dad and nobody can stop me >:(

Listen, I‘m a very dumb person, he‘d probably hate me so IDK how this would work HAHSHSH

Okay but he gives me turtoring lessons and they‘re kinda cute

I‘m very affectionate and if I love someone, I SIMP

I‘ll hold this mans Hand while solving math problems like a Champ 😤

Helping him with Issues like I always do

He‘s probably never seen anybody as crazy as me

Calls me brain dead on a daily basis

He often sleeps at my house to get away from his dad

And I can tell you, If I told my parents what his Dad did they‘d ruin this mans whole career 💀

I give him kisses on the nose

Because he looks cute when I do it

My parents love him because 1. My grades get better and 2. He‘s polite as hell

Teaches me how to dance and play guitar because that‘s what I always wanted to learn

Best self-defense Teacher I can tell

Very emotional around each other

He says I don’t need anything to be insecure about and I cry

His friends are cool, I‘d get along with them if I weren’t so dumb-

(I‘ll stop saying how dumb I am now)

He is touch starved so bad

He loves hugs and kisses but he‘d never admit it. Don’t let yourself be fooled by his attitude 👀

All in all 9/10

I‘d have to show him memes and Vines and stuff, but he ends up thinking these things are hilarious

Vine lover now, and he owns a meme account against his Father

Always texts me to go to sleep if I‘m awake for too long

Cares about my health but I don’t care about mine so 🤡

Itona

Idk how this would work either

Like, I‘m not even the 'prettiest girl' in his eyes

He likes big tiddy girls and I don’t have shit on my chest I can tell you that

And I‘m ??? Lowkey Ugly ??? But also a Queen hhh

My Dad owns a Drone too, so the both of them would have bonding time while flying their Drones

Very Touch starved

He loves head pats

And he also loves sitting on my lap while hugging me but he‘d never admit that

Squishing his cheeks is a must

Itona doesn’t really have a home I think, so my Parents allow him to stay at my house for as long as he wants to

He sleeps in my room

That wasn’t a good Idea because we‘re staying up until 3AM watching YouTube or gaming together

We play Animal Crossing hehe~

I hate to fall asleep after him so he alway forces himself to stay awake until I fall asleep

Doesn’t understand my obsession for Narwal but that’s okay, he tries to support it shsh

Not a Fan of my Earring collection

The Terasaka squad decided to protect me

And I don’t mind tbh 👀

Kirara always sends me embarrassing pics of Itona and the Squad and it’s the funniest shit ever

He doesn’t like my music taste :((

Hates sharing Candy, but if he feels good he‘ll give me some

Whenever he‘s building a new robot or something I‘m just beside him, making earrings and keychains

Crafty couple 🥺

He let me help him once but I always break things and he was kinda scared, but it ended up not breaking

I get that he‘s in puberty, but I‘d still tell him to stop looking at his classmates boobs and stuff, because it makes them feel uncomfortable

He‘d stare at me and tell me that he stopped doing stuff like this when we got together

I just stood there like

[surprised Pikachu face]

We make fun of Shiro and talk sooooo Bad of him it’s kinda funny

Yk, like Little gossip sessions

Kayano sometimes joins

And Korosensei as well-

Dates are at Muramatsu‘s Ramen Shop bc my boy is Broke, but I don’t mind honestly

He‘s a very cute boyfriend although he has no idea how relationships work

——————————

I hope nobody hates on me for self shipping, but actually I don’t really care JAKSJALS

I hope you’re happy Lizzie, all these boys and I wouldn’t actually work, but it’s fine, I still Simp 😔💞

[polygamyff]

7. Part 4

Stretching my body out as my eyes fluttered open, my eyes still hooded as I stared to the side of me. An empty bed, no sign of Maurice. Last night I went to sleep before him and wake up after him, clearly he had slept in the bed but no comfort in this, no comfort from his touch against me. The biggest sigh left my lips, I have the worst feeling that today is not what I seem it’s going to be like, I have only come to spend time with him but he’s just always doing something. I think he knew he annoyed me last night, that face he pulled when the word marriage came out from my lips, it was like he suddenly didn’t want to know. It was ok when he was making love to me but now the word marriage is scaring him, but what about me. He scared my ass when he did that, he has pissed me off with that and I am still just that. He plays himself off because of money, nobody fucking cares about money, I really don’t anyways. I wish I placed my phone close by because now I have to drag myself out of bed, annoying. Maurice is so much more loving in California then here, his mind is never mine and he’s always thinking or doing something. I didn’t want to be here to be his second shadow or even burden him, he should have just been upfront with this.

Picking my phone out from my bag, a text from mommy. I actually didn’t call her, damn. She is not going to be happy at all. Unlocking my phone to read the message.

From: Mommy

To: Robyn

Hope you have got there ok Robyn, your dad is blowing a fit. You said you would let us know, remember this is hard for us, you’re with a man we don’t know, so please be mindful. Love you x

Taking in a deep breath, I did really forget about it. I know my parents are not happy. They want to know this man, they hearing about this unknown guy and I am flying away to him. It is a lot for them, but my mom knows my feelings to Maurice is strong so that is why she has backed down, I do feel bad in texting her at least but let me reply back now.

To: Mommy

From: Robyn

I am sooooo sorry mom, it slipped my mind. As soon as I saw him it just got hectic but I’m fine, I’m with Kellen too so don’t worry and Tif is here x

I just want my mom to have a peace of mind because I don’t care about them two but she will feel more happier that I am with some people she knows, I hope she don’t get annoyed at the fact I forgot but knowing my mom she will be. Placing my phone on top of the table in the room, I am not about to wear this out there. I did bring Maurice’ hoodie with me so I can wear that, walking slowly towards my suitcase. Crouching down, grabbing my slides and placing them down. I am sure I placed the hoodie right at the bottom, shifting the clothes a little to the side. There we go, yanking it out of my suitcase, I would actually walk around like this but I have no bra on and my panties be riding up my ass too, there is other boys out there too. Placing my feet in the slides as I placed the hoodie over me, I can deal with my legs being out. I hope I don’t look too much of a mess, dragging open the bedroom door. It’s weird because in the bedroom you don’t hear shit, open the door you hear everything. They are even listening to music, and being rowdy.

Slowly walking the hallway that leads straight into the living area, I instantly see Maurice in a wife beater “hold the fuck still, seriously. Like I am here helping your ungrateful ass” that chick is here again, it’s early in the morning. I am not feeling her being crouched down right in front of Maurice “it’s just a small mark, it’s wiped off now. You out here complaining” she is wiping something off his black slacks he got on “cool, pass me my belt” Maurice said as he paced away from her, Shawn is even awake and Malik. He is smoking a blunt “Robyn, you awake” my eyes dragged to Maurice’ face, he walked towards me but I was quick walk around him. That shit is not it and it was not something I expected from him, I think I am so right. These rich men have sex with everyone, I am not about to start anything because I don’t know this chick “your belt….” the girl dragged out and stared at me, she is a girl. I don’t know her like that “Rob G in the morning” I wish the kitchen was in a different part but it’s literally here, they can see me still. I want food before I slap someone “you want some food? We can go and get some?” staring at Malik “where is the food?” I asked “we have pizza from last night, I was hungry. You have options, you can either order it here or we can go there or we get Ally to go, we have options. I am hungry too” I assumed this was a hotel, I thought wrong but I am not about to cook “Maurice already ate, Ally bought him his stuff. Perks of having an assistant” he didn’t even think of me, not only does he not want to marry me he is forgetting me “do I look ugly?” I asked Malik “no, it’s crazy you walk out looking fine no matter” I’ll take that “we can go and get some food” I need to eat.

Placing my shades over my eyes, these braided pigtails have lasted through the night but will be a pain to do later. We can be quick and get some food I guess, I just need some food “where you going with your shades on?” oh he comes now “ain’t you busy having some girl crouched in front of you or are you used to that position?” Maurice’ mouth fell open “wow Robyn, that is messed up. How you going to say that to me? She is my assistant, we work every day together. Why you being like this?” I ain’t being like shit, just stating the truth “assistance don’t be on the their knees ok? You may not be used to having a partner but shit works differently. I am going to assume you not used to having a girl around, I am a woman. I know this shit, don’t be play me. I am going to get some food” pushing by him, he really think I am stupid. Assistant my ass, I will keep making remarks and being pissed with him until he can admit it. Walking into the living area “Malik, come on” Shawn looked confused, he is too high to notice shit “I have a better offer now Ally, I don’t need you” Malik said to her but I don’t know what he was speaking about.

I am kind of regretting walking around with just a hoodie on in New York, I am mess. I ain’t even washed my ass, I am walking around this place “we could have got a SUV, you do know that?” this long ass line in Subway is not it, it’s the closest thing but even this wasn’t as close “so I have to speak to your brother” I was determined to not “oh, why y’all not speaking already?” Malik likes to not stand still, does he have ADHD “because I have a feeling he used to fuck with that girl, his assistant. I don’t want to see her in my face, or even in that position and then we was just talking and I said marriage. Maurice like brushed me off, he didn’t even want to know so that annoyed me “oh” Malik said, looking down at his hands and he is really scratching his hand, like there is an open wound already on there “are you ok?” turning fully to him “you’re like hurting your hand” grabbing his arm “stop it” he moved his hand away “I am fine, but yeah. My brother does like you, he wouldn’t fuck Ally. They just close, Maurice wouldn’t let me shoot my shot if that” grabbing Malik’ hand and looking at the wound “you’re making me want to fix that for you” squinting my eyes staring down at the wound “you burnt yourself? Does it not hurt? This is fresh, did you not disinfect it? Seriously stop poking it” looking up at Malik, he is sweating “we need to check on that” I am not going to question him on it.

I was going to bring this back to eat at the apartment but decided against, I will eat it here. Now that I am actually seeing Malik, I can see the difference in him. He was very much fine but there is really something odd with him, I don’t want to say anything but he is not eating either and I spent money on that “Malik” I said his name, he has been staring out of the window for the longest “Malik!” I half shouted, he looked at me “why are you staring at the guy? He is getting annoyed” every symptom is screaming drugs, I can see it all over him and know I am stuck with him “he’s after me, I know it” god help me “I doubt it” maybe we should go back “you got a problem nigga?” some guy said behind me, Malik stared at me like the fuck am I going to do “speaking to you nigga!? You got a fucking problem?” looking behind me “he doesn’t, there is no issues here. So please” this guy is so scary, my god “not speaking to you princess, you fine” I will just take that “we are going now, just please” getting up from the chair “you lucky she is here, don’t be staring at niggas like that!” he pointed at Malik, I felt like today wasn’t going to be good.

The moment where I have to hold Malik’ hand, he keep touching the wound and I don’t like it “we have to bandage that up for you” I got a few things from the store, you know what. I should stayed my ass in California, Leon would have been laughing at me if he was here and say this is what I deserve “sorry” Malik said “for what?” I said holding his hand as we got to the complex “I am ok, I mean I am trying to be” clearly he’s not, dragging open the door and walking into the building “I understand, you just need help” pressing the button the elevator “does Maurice know you are taking drugs?” I have to know “he said suck it up” he knows, still let me go with him. This is what I get for searching for food, my life. Tapping the keycard and pushing the door open, how am I even juggling things like this. Least someone is dressed, I would compliment how handsome he is but I won’t, Maurice mean mugged me so hard “why are you holding my brother’ hand!?” he shouted, I forgot all about that “it’s not about you ok? Come, let’s get your hand bandaged” I am caring, I have to see this through now so forget him.

I am just glad to have bandaged that up, he can stop poking it for whatever reason he is doing it. Maurice on the other hand cleared the living room, there was a few people here “now you can’t touch it” holding Malik’ hand up, he smiled at me “you nice” that is just me “the fuck is this!?” here he is “are you blind? Can’t you see your brother is suffering? He is coming down from drugs, he hurt himself” Maurice looks furious, he is so very mad. I have never seen Maurice mad, why would I. I always see the nice side to him “what did I say to you? This should have happened” Maurice reached over and gripped Malik from his top and dragged him straight off the couch, I gasped “Maurice” I said in shock “stay there!” he spat, he is dragging his poor brother “I would stay out of it Robyn” Shawn said, he is so calm about this. The door banged shut “but what is he going to do to him? Seriously?” I don’t like this “see what happens, he won’t hurt his brother. It’s fine, just let it happen” I want to know what, what is he doing.

I am not happy with Maurice at all, like what ever he doing to him is wrong. It just makes me wonder how bad his parents are, both of the kids like that. Broke my heart seeing Malik like that, Maurice finally appeared out of the bedroom and closed the door. Staring at the door waiting for Malik to appear out but he didn’t, looking back at Maurice’ face wondering what he did. His Tuxedo is intact “sorry you had to deal with that” Maurice apologised “don’t say sorry, I want to know if he is ok?” Maurice walked off and into our bedroom “come with me” he gestured, getting up from the couch and followed him to the bedroom “I would like to know what you did?” He acting all cool and calm right now but I want to know, closing the bedroom door behind me “where is your brother Maurice? There was no need to do that at all, dragging him off like that. He harmed himself” Maurice is the least bit happy but his brother needs help “I assumed he would have been ok but obviously not” Maurice turned to face me, I felt slightly awful because I can see the stress all on his face. This is what he deals with everyday, I am just seeing the bare minimum “you good though yeah? I shouldn’t have let you gone with him, I saw he was ok but he wasn’t. He didn’t harm you or anyone?” Shaking my head “do I look harmed? I held his hand to bring him home that was it” Maurice nodded his head “look, I did what I had to do. Until I have got the time to take him” raising an eyebrow “do what? Exactly?” Did he knock him out or something “I erm, I let him have some drugs to calm him and help him” my eyes bulged our “what!? Are you trying to kill him? He needs help, not the drugs, oh my god” this is stressful “I don’t need this, I don’t need him acting out right now. I am late and I need to go, you more than likely think what Kellen thinks of me but I got to do what I go to do” this is a mess, this whole trip is a mess.

I feel a little helpless, this is his family so who am I. I can only support him, no wonder he’s always stressed and like this. Maurice remained silent with me, with the huffing and puffing he is thinking “I just want you to get him help, please” I said in a whisper “I will, not just right now. I get it, it’s a mess. I’m sorry, I really wanted to see you and this is what I get, I am sorry my family is crazy I didn’t want to expose you to that but it’s too late” his phone started ringing, he didn’t bother to touch it but just closed his eyes and sighed out “Robyn I need to go, I’m sorry. I will be busy today, I will be at my hotel. Shawn will take you to the event, I am sad I am missing it with you. Please forgive me. Tonight I will be yours, I promise” I want to be mad with him, I want to scream out how dare you make me come here but everything is a mess in all ends “I’m so sorry” clenching my teeth together as I breathed out heavily through my nose, walking over to Maurice. Placing my hand over his clasped hands and moving them down, getting onto my tiptoes and wrapping my arms around his neck “you looks so handsome” I said in his ear, Maurice held my body close “I am embarrassed, like that shit actually happened. I will come back, please take a picture so I can see you ok?” Moving back from the hug “I will, you better be back for me tonight, I came here for you and right now you need me to hold you down so you better” Maurice nodded his head, he pressed a kiss to my lips.

I feel like shit is becoming a living hell, I didn’t think stupid over here would have done that with Robyn. I don’t even want to speak to Malik, I just want to get this thing over and done with so I can go back to Robyn, I think I need to make it up to Robyn after today. Even though Malik fees like shit he has not choice but to come here, I told him we doing this together “get out of the car” I said to him as I got out of the SUV, slamming it shut. Fastening up my button on the suit jacket, least Robyn says I’m handsome, that all that matters. I know last night I kind went off with Robyn, she said marriage I was like nope. I just need to get out of one marriage first before that, Robyn doesn’t know that though. Malik dragged himself out of the SUV “you can do this, it’s a couple of hours. We got this” I just want to get him in rehab now, staring down at Malik’ hand. That inner surgeon came out of her “I’m trying, I’m fine now. I just want to party now” he smiled at me, he will be sticking right by me so he can think again with that.

As soon as I got into my hotel Ally is already waiting for me “did you get dressed?” I pointed laughing “ha, ha, ha. Hilarious, your dad is here. I mean everyone is here” I wonder what she mean by everyone being here, the party ain’t until tonight here that is when I am running “ok, take me to them” following behind Ally “is that your new fuck buddy?” Ally openly asked “who?” I said confused “that girl walking around just half dressed coming out of what I think is your bedroom” Ally need to shut her mouth “you don’t need to worry about her Ally, and she’s not a fuck buddy” I corrected her with that, Robyn is not my fuck buddy she is my girl but I won’t say that just yet “then she is something to you, where you get her from?” Ally is asking too many questions “if you know me so well then you will work it out” Ally side eyed me “California, you spent enough time there” see she knows “there you go” walking into the ground floor meeting room “you’re such a whore” seeing Nalah, she is always here “oh, well. Look at this, the family are all together” it’s a sign of hell “and Naomi” I knew she would come “she bought her family, great. I need a drink” my mom shook her head at me “anyways, I am so proud of you my boy. You have so many hotels under your belt, now Santa Monica. I am so very happy” nodding my head feeling not good, I want the day to end already “if dad just maybe gave me them, life would be great” my dad just smiled at me “Malik, what did you do your hand?” my dad asked him, looking behind “I hurt him but it’s lit, we lit. We good, Robyn helped me” my eyes widened, is he stupid “who is Robyn?” my dad asked “she is my friend” clearing my throat “so anyways, y’all ready to just get to the events?” I want to drop kick his stupid ass.

My soul feels like it’s not here, like these events. I feel they are so tedious to me and I really just want to be back with Robyn, I only come here because Tina is a very good client and she invited us. We make a hell of a lot of money with the party alone at the hotel, she wanted us to come to her fashion shit like we do every year. I have got Robyn in the Gucci gig, Tome ford too and a few more but these a far from here. By the time we go back to the hotel she will be there, so it’s like a miss with that “come here you” Tina pointed at me, I ain’t about the camera bullshit “me?” my dad pushed me, walking onto the red carpet “in my dreams I am dating him” I mean if she was younger I would have but I’ll pass on that, placing my arm around Tina “he is a very close friend, treats me well. I have known Maurice since he was born” she said to the camera “come on” Tina shouted at my family to come over “Davenport family, we have all been in a hotel that your family practically own. Are you excited to see the fashion show?” nodding my head “as we do every year, support Tina the whole family. I am excited to see it all” I have no idea who I am speaking too “thank you Mr Davenport, take some pictures now” Tina laughed out loud “girl you don’t mind me stealing him” seeing Naomi right next to me “it’s ok Tina” Naomi said, I want the ground to swallow me right now. My heart is in my mouth right now, I just can imagine Robyn seeing this. Naomi placed her arm behind my back.

I am sweating my balls off, I swapped seats with my mom so I am now sitting with Nalah. I wanted to sit next to Malik but clearly my dad has got him “look over here” Nalah said at the side of me, looking over at her and then seeing her phone out. I smiled as she took the picture “you actually taking normal pictures, my little brother” my sister said looking down at her phone “you know” she paused mid-sentence “I always wanted to take that away from you” she locked her phone “take what?” I asked “this burden, not in a bad way but you take all the shit for us but it should be me. I am the oldest. We get away with it all, I do feel bad but I am proud of you. You have done so well with things, but I can so tell Malik has had something. He is so odd” rubbing the side of my face “I gave him a line, he was going crazy. I just wanted to get today done and Nalah. My life was written out for me as soon as I was born, I never had a choice. I was in diapers and travelling with dad, he was never going to leave it. I never saw mom, I was with dad. I had a carer that is how less I saw of you all, that time I was with you guys we near got taken away because of what happened. But it’s something that is happening to me, I don’t want you to feel bad. You still my older sister, even though you a bitch at times, you my sister” Nalah hit my arm “you an asshole still” I can take that because I am just that.

I am deadass staying away from Noami, I don’t want to be near that. Holding the care door open for my sister “we partying now?” Malik has been saying nothing but that “I swear to god, you annoying” Nalah complained, my smile grew seeing my hotel. It looks great, fit for a luxury party for the fit anyways. I don’t even think there is a single regular guest in here, it is just filled with the rich and famous “wine” sir the waiter outside of the red carpet asked “no for me but my sister will” I knew should have took a glass “help me got up these stairs” Nalaha hooked her arm around mine as we walked up the stairs “I hope to god I meet ASAP Rocky, I want his babies” scrunching my face up “you old though and you taken by some old man” my sister scoffed “you ruin everything, stay away from me” she walked off away from me, I am glad she gone. I can just try and just make sure things are going ok so I worm my way out.

To be sat at a Gucci fashion show is amazing but also to be sat next to Shawn and not my man hurts, I wanted him with me but it’s whatever. I didn’t know this place has assigned seats and Maurice got me on front row, like how does he do it. I have clocked Tif, she is in the back. My heart fluttered seeing someone point at me, that is so awkward “why is someone pointing at me?” I said to Shawn “maybe they like you, probably. This place is full of designers” he got a point “what you think though? There is a few things I like you know” shifting in my seat “I like the bags, that is a thing I may actually buy” Shawn’ eyes are so beautiful, they draw you in. That shit is scary “cool, you like it then? I don’t really come to these things but it was actually decent” I wish Maurice is here “thank you for coming, I wanted to be mad at Maurice but I couldn’t, you know. We really wanted to see each other and we did but he’s busy. He has so much going on” Shawn didn’t look fazed “honestly Robyn, I hate it for him. I see him stressed free with you, when he came back from Cali I was like you a whole ass new man, you are good for him” smiling a little “you think Maurice would move to California? I want to ask him” Shawn chuckled “you know what, you ask he will do it but he will always be going Texas once a week. But you could change that, I feel you can” Shawn thinks I can, that is crazy.

I actually want to see Maurice’ hotel, I heard it is like one of the tallest hotels in New York “we are close to Davenport hotel right?” I said to Shawn “just around the block why?” he said, I want to go there and see it “maybe we can go there and and then get Maurice to come home” Shawn paused not saying a word, he just stared ahead “why don’t we just go back to the apartment?” waving him off “you can follow me” I am sure he will, walking off. I want to see my man’ hotel so why not, he never took me there so I want to go there “Robyn, wait up” see I knew he would come, placing my jacket over my shoulders “you men are so predictable” looking over at Shawn “how so? I couldn’t let you walk on your now” I grinned to myself “such a gentleman” I hope I see Maurice there “just that there is an event there and it’s like an exclusive event” what is Shawn trying to get at with this “I will just tell them to get Maurice, I did that last time. He saved my ass from the doorman” Shawn’ smile grew “why?” Maurice is forever saving my ass “because I parked my car outside the hotel and he was like you can’t do that, he chased me all the way inside and I goes to him speak to Maurice he knows. He assumed I didn’t know him but obviously Maurice said it to him and he was quiet after that” I just want to spend some time with Maurice, I am being so calm about this.

The hotel is huge, it looks beautiful but wow “this was the second hotel that the Davenport family bought back then, Texas was the first hotel. I still don’t understand how his great great grandfather got it, they say the guy was a con artist but we will never know. But they are very much business men, they have a whole neighbourhood in New Jersey. It’s literally named their street, it’s an amazing business they are in but there is a lot of family politics. Back in the day they made that stupid rule, it has to be you first born son. It’s something that has been passed down, which to me sucks. Nalah would have been fine with it” Shawn should be a tour guide “ever thought of being a tour guide?” Shawn snorted laughing “perhaps but we can just see it, I did text Maurice and they are busy still” nodding my head “I just want to see” these doormen are bodyguards, scary ones too. Walking up the steps “names please” one of the guys said “Shawn, should be on their with the family” Shawn said behind me “what about yours?” the guy looked at me “are you asking for yourself or to check the sheet?” the bodyguard just busted out laughing “wow!” he shook his head “well it can be both ways, you funny” he pointed at me “get inside, I am guessing you’re with Shawn” shaking my head “not really but thank you” I winked at him.

Shawn is laughing so much at me “do you know you can use your face for everything? Got niggas just letting us come in” I can hear the music in this place “can we just have a little look, just one little peek. I will be good” Shawn slouched forward “you are a pain, just stay close” twirling around and skipping towards the music, I have no idea where I am going. Grabbing the wine as I made my way down the hallway, the music getting louder as I got close. The double doors opened up and the music is well and truly blaring out, that hall looks amazing “he’s such an asshole Shawn! I am so fucking done with him” looking behind me, wonder why she is upset “you’re here Naomi!” Shawn spat but that lady just pushed passed him, Shawn shook his head “let’s just go!” he shouted, I really don’t want to go though. Downing the wine, I think I have seen enough though. Staring down into the hall, I cam see Maurice from here “we should go, I want to get some pizza too” staring at Maurice with this woman, they are both laughing a lot. My hearts wants me to go in there and hug him, this makes me so sad. So close but yet so far, Maurice placed his arm around this woman “that is Tina, she is a client” Shawn said, dragging my eyes away “let’s go” I think I want to go back now.

These heels hurt like a bitch, placing the empty wine glass down on the reception desk “come again” the lady said, I didn’t even know she was sat there “complimentary for the business” she held out a magazine “thank you” taking it from her, smiling at her faintly walking off “come on then Shawn, let’s get pizza” New York pizza is supposed to be nice actually, walking out of the door “leaving so soon? That was quick” twirling around to the bodyguard “maybe I was never supposed to be here and you let me in?” he doesn’t know that “never thought of that did you?” his face dropped “why did you come here for? You’re out now anyways” I shrugged “to sight see, thanks for the wine boo” blowing him a kiss “you cali girls are crazy” I am just that at times.

[iamknicole]

Beat Down

A/N: After Landen tried to give Charles head.

During their nightly call Charles sounded different and off and since Mitch had the kids, Lainey rode to the hotel to see him. She called Landen on the way to get some insight of what she was walking into but she got no answer.

Secret service greeted her warmly as she walked his hall and the one closest to Charles' door opened it for her. When she walked in Charles was sitting on the side of the bed in a towel. Clearly still wet from his shower. He was zoned out, she used that to her advantage and snuck on the bed behind him.

"Hey, Charlie Brown," she whispered with her hands on his shoulders. He jumped and pushed her away. It was his reflex. She landed on her back on the bed, she sat up slowly looking at him as he now stood before her. "Um, jumpy, what the hell is wrong with you? It's just me."

"Shit, I'm sorry. I thought ... I thought," he sighed rubbing a hand through his hair.

"You thought what?" Lainey asked now sitting up on her knees. She didn't bother to pull her thigh length nightdress over her knees.

"That you were someone else."

"Well who would be that close to you that you would push down like that? And if you say Candace, I'm gonna go put my foot in her ass then come back and put the other in yours."

Charles has to laugh a little at that. Lainey did not play and he loved it.

"No, beautiful, not Candace. She's not allowed anywhere near me."

"Then who?" She asked patting the bed for him to sit.

Charles sighed as he sat down. "Landen."

"Uuuh...Why would her be that close to you?"

"If I tell you, you have to promise not to get mad and tell your family." He said looking in her eyes.

Alaina rolled her eyes and nodded.

"We were drinking together, I said I needed to lie down, he was helping with my belt even though I kept telling him I could do it and I remember falling back cause I was so drunk," he paused to shake his head. "Next thing I know he was tryna pull my dick out and suck it."

Alaina glared at him. She was having a lot of thoughts mainly admit hurting Landen.

"I told you he liked you, Charles but nooo," she fussed, "You said he's fine, he's just dedicated. Yeah dedicated to having your dick down his throat."

"You promised not to get mad, Alaina."

"I'm not mad, Charles. I'm fine."

Charles leaned forward to kiss her. They kissed slowly before Lainey pulled away smiling.

"First it was Candace and now it's Landen. The next person who tries you like this," Alaina emphasized by grabbing Charles through his towel, "dick doesn't belong to me, they're gonna have an issue. And you stop letting random people touch you, that's irritating."

Charles tensed up into Alaina eased the grip she had on his dick, his eyes never leaving hers. "Yes ma'am."

"Good," she smirked letting him go, "Now go to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow for breakfast. You still have your key right?"

"I uh," he stuttered. "Yeah, I do. But you're not staying?"

Alaina looked from his lap you his face still smirking. "Nope. I'm gonna go back home. If I stay here, I'll be at his door kicking his ass."

Of course she didn't go home.

Of course she sat in the hotel bar and called her brother and father to tell them what Landen did.

After months of putting up with Landen's antics to keep Charles away from her, his snide remarks and outright disrespect, Lainey had enough. She called then to come help her fuck him up.

Thoughts of calling Melissa came to her but she would just tell her about it much later. Melissa has loose lips, can't hold a lick of water.

When the men walked in Alaina got up to meet them at the elevators, on her way she stopped by Candace and smiled.

"Don't think we forgot either, your ass is still grass, Candy Cane. Someone just happens to be a bit higher than you on the list." Alaina stared at her still smiling. "You enjoy that drink though, girl. And remember always watch your surroundings."

When she got to the elevators, the doors were just opening. They allowed her to enter the elevator before them. Benny passed her the air forces, black tights and hoodie she asked for, quickly she put them on over her night dress.

"You know we got this, Lainey. You don't have to do anything. Not need info you hurting yourself," Eddie assured.

Zion and Cameron laughed.

"I appreciate that, Eddie but I don't like disrespect. Zi taught me not to take shit so I won't start now."

Quietly and quickly the family entered Landen's room. He was sprawled across the bed on his back. Alaina approached him, watching him sleep for a second then drew her fist back and punched him in his mouth. He jumped up in a panic holding his mouth with one hand and cutting his light on with the other.

"What the hell is your problem, Alaina? You can't just hit people!" He yelled wiping the blood from his mouth.

"Who the fuck you yellin' at?" Cameron barked.

Landen eyes landed on the five men standing before him, his eyes grew wide. "Lainey, wait. Wait, we can talk about it! It was an accident."

"My man, you accidentally tried to put my sister's husband's dick in your mouth? Do you hear how dumb that sounds?" Zion asked closer.

Caleb watched for a few seconds before speaking up. "Before me and my children whoop your ass, I want you to know this has nothing to do with how you love your life. This is for the disrespect. You disrespect Charles which means you disrespected Lainey. And when you disrespect her, you disrespect us."

------

"I can't believe he pissed on himself," Cameron laughed.

"Bet he won't try Charles again," Benny added with a nod.

They stood inside of one of Caleb's properties changing out of their bloodied clothes. After they took turns whooping his ass, they were nice enough to drive him to the emergency room.

Zion cussed loudly. "As hard as baby sis kicked his ass in his jaw, ion think he gon be doin a ghat damn thing with that muhfucker."

"I still think we should've shot him," Eddie joked.

"Your trigger happy ass don't need no more guns," Caleb laughed.

Lainey rolled her eyes and laughed at their jokes. She tjought she would feel a little bad about doing it but she didn't. Landen had been too disrespectful.

"Sooooo," she sung out making the room go silent, "Does this mean I can help with Candace?"

[canaryatlaw]

alright, so today was overall pretty good. My alarm went off at 8:15 am and I successfully convinced myself to get out of bed, so that was of course a win in itself. Got ready and caught the 9:02 bus, which put me perfectly on track to get there in time for the 10 am service since it’s almost exactly an hour commute from my apartment to the church. The bus ride is shorter early Sunday mornings of course since the roads are more clear and there are less people making stops, so by the time we got to the train station it was just about 9:25, the train plus short walk after is generally about 25 minutes. I have literally everything in my life precisely timed, which makes it that much more infuriating when Chicago public transit decides to throw a wrench in my schedule. I entered the train station, swiped my card and got up to the platform, only to find out the next train wasn’t coming for another 18 minutes now, so it wouldn’t get there until like 9:45, which doesn’t get me to church until like 10:15, meaning I’d miss most of worship and at that point I was like mmm no thanks, so I left the train station and checked the time estimations on uber and uber pool and decided I’d risk a pool to save money and hope the drive isn’t too bad. It ended up being pretty much perfect, I walked a few blocks to get picked up but from there church was the next stop so I ended up getting there at like 9:50 with time to spare before they even opened the doors to the sanctuary (they have a really short turnover time between services to make sure there are bibles and welcome cards at each seat and such so the doors generally open 5 minutes prior to the service). When I did get in I sat on the edge of the row towards the back since I was gonna try to sneak out on time to get to the huddle for the babies room for the next service since I was serving in there for then. Worship was good, the message ended up being on vulnerability and what it is and isn’t and why it’s important to show real vulnerability to those in our lives, delivered by one of my favorite members of the church board, so that was very good. when it turned 11 I snuck out to head to the kids volunteers lounge and it ended up being empty so I was like...did I mess this up? lol. It turns out I didn’t, most other people were just running late, but I got to catch up with the kids ministry pastor which was good because I’d been MIA for several weeks now (the explanation for which ended up being “I got a job and things have been really crazy” instead of the truthful “I lost the willpower to get out of bed on Sunday morning for several weeks and I’ve also been traveling a lot” just because that was an easier answer and got the job info out). so that was good at least. The babies room went well, we had a good number of employees, I had a little girl that I was handed from her parents in the door and then she refused to let me put her down the entire service so that was what I did the whole time, lol. Babies are like that sometimes in the nursery, they’ll get attached to one person and then won’t leave their side. Things were actually very calm though, I honestly don’t think there were any real crying incidents, which is a fucking miracle, even with only 5-6 babies. I’ve always said though there’s only two ways it goes in there- either everyone’s calm and playing nicely with no crying, or everyone’s screaming and something’s on fire, no in between lol. After the service I headed home and had to wait for fucking ever for a train, it was the weirdest thing, the first two trains that pulled up had both just been declared “not in service” and dumped all their passengers on the platform with no explanation, so by the time the 3rd train came like 20 minutes after I got there it was VERY crowded, but I survived and got to the bus alright. When I went to sit on the bunch for the bus stop a girl about my age came over and showed me directions on her phone and was basically like “am I in the right place??” which I assured her she was and showed her where on the sign it has the info she was looking for, because for a newbie figuring all of that out can be very difficult, and I definitely speak from experience there. It also occurred to me that there were other people waiting there but she waited for a woman about her age to come to ask because that’s a lot more comfortable than risking talking to a random man who might be a creep, so I was happy to help of course. Got home, got into comfy clothes and had some lunch, then watched a few more episodes of Designated Survivor and AH. GUYS. THIS FUCKING SHOW IS SO GOOD. The new episodes are fucking brilliant, and the way they incorporate real world unscripted interviews of actual people is so ingenuitive and actually a genius way to address social issues while maintaining a fictional environment (versus something like, Glee, where they’re trying to cover everything under the sun and shoving it all down your throat constantly). And the storylines in general are just so good, and the writing for the president is so damn good because you are always rooting for him. he has to make tough calls where there’s not always a clear right answer, but he always seems to pull it out and find the best way forward, and it’s so satisfying to see. and I LOVE KIEFER SUTHERLAND SO MUCH. god, his line at the Florida con last month was sooooo fucking long (like 2-3 hours of waiting time long) but I would’ve loved to have seen him again. Hopefully the opportunity will present itself in the near future so I can gush about how much I love the new episodes, lol. I didn’t want to binge too many of them and run out of episodes, so I stopped after episode 7 and watched more Anthony Bourdain, where he was taking on Queens, which was quite the adventure. After I finished that at some time around there Jess came over and we ordered cheesy bread as was the plan, but there was apparently some issue with the store getting swamped with orders and only having like two delivery drivers, so it took like over an hour for us to get the dang thing, but of course I’d never blame that on the poor schmuck who brought me the cheesy bread that has to run around all night to people who are probably ticked their order is late, and of course I tipped him well because the wait sure as hell wasn’t his fault. Before it arrived though, we watched some videos of some of the KPop boys’ adventures in America and Chicago specifically, mainly the one kid from outside Chicago and the one from Canada were going around with one of the ones actually from Korea (they’re all of Korean descent, they just weren’t all raised there) and taking him to like, Target and doing all sorts of amusing shit that is legit just what we would be doing if we were celebrities, so that was very amusing. Once we were finished with that we ended up buying Captain Marvel on streaming, since I’m sure as hell gonna wanna watch it again probably in the near future, so then we watched that for the rest of the night. Thoroughly enjoyed it the second time through, of course you pick up on different things knowing what’s coming so that’s always fun to see. Once the movie was over Jess headed out, and I watched another Anthony Bourdain episode and then just hung out for a bit without anything on before deciding to shower and start to get ready for bed, which I proceeded to do and now I am here. This was probably way too detailed for a day that really wasn’t all that exciting, but oh well, that’s how it comes out sometimes, no issue with that. It just turned 1:30 am so I should definitely be getting to sleep, so I will be doing that now. Goodnight loves. Hope your Monday doesn’t suck.

[hopeless-helpless-heart]

1.19.19

so yesterday i went to the hospital and had a HUGE reality check from a customer who frequently comes in my store (she was one of the crisis clinicians on call)

just a lil background. i went to the hospital because my bulimia has been out of fucking control. i passed out on Monday, and purged so much on Wednesday that i almost passed out again. i also went because my suicidal ideation wasnt improving.

so i get there, check in, they do all my vitals, and hook me up to 2! mothafuckin ivs. one because i was really dehydrated, and the other because my potassium was severely low. they hooked me up to an ecg machine to monitor my heart rate or beat or some shit. all i know is when i went in there my heart rate was 158 and its supposed to be like 75-100? ya bitch was tachy.

so after i got a very supoortive talking to by the pa about how dangerous it was and how im basically wrecking my body and *will* die, they called the crisis clinicians. they came and asked me all the assessment questions, like have you been feeling hopeless, suicidal, aggressive, risky behavior, etc. AND EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS FUCKING MANIC. like ???? ok. and i know that i always deny when im manic because why tf am i manic if im being medicated ? but i digress. anywho, i told them, just like i told my therapist that i dont feel manic. *side note* i rarely experience euphoric mania. so, to all you bitches who get to be ecstatically destructive, suck a butt. so i explained to them that this was NOT a mixed episode. because i wasnt spending money, and i was sleeping 10+ hours a night. my sleep and my budget are huge indicators of mania.

so we talked and talked and i got really raw with these women because i had to be clear that i didnt want to die, i just needed to stop feeling how i feel, how often i feel it. and i feel like that's true for a lot of suicidal people. we genuinely want to be happy and lead normal healthy happy lives... but when we cant, and we like discouragingly c a n t. you think of a way out.. and these two women were sooooo helpful.

it is REALLY hard having coexisting mental illnesses. especially when they all trigger each other. and the women were like yea bipolar is hard. yea bipolar is stupid. and yes its soooo fucking complex. but the one who's my customer said "that doesn't mean you are. youre so insightful about what you need. we can tell youve had a really rough time tackling this, but youre so young and you have so many lessons to learn." FULL STOP. so i was like what Tina. what lessons do i have to learn ? and she tilted her head to the side, extended her arm and said "how to manage your disorders". and then went on to explain that it iss so hard, and ive been dealing with it for a long time, so of course im frustrated. and even though they won't go away, i have to be willing to help myself.

if im throwing up all the time, im not taking meds. if im not taking meds, literally every single thing gets worse. and i guess what im struggling with most right now is the knowledge that its not going away. im going to have bipolar disorder for the rest of my life. im going to have to overcome disordered eating, then work every day to keep myself healthy.

i guess what im trying to say is these women validated the fuck out of me. they didnt tell me to be grateful or thankful for anything. they didnt tell me i have to look on the bright side or to not focus on the bad, because they know how the disorder works. they told me i have to be willing to help myself through it. i have to be willing to talk to my therapist about my struggles. i have to be willing to follow a food plan and take my meds. i have to be willing to tell my psych when my tolerance is growing instead of being worried about getting 3 more blood tests. and that was honestly better than what a lot of people say.

everyone wants to be sorry when you're depressed. "im sorry". "oh man, im sorry". "im so sorry you're dealing with this". like ya... me too. i dont want people to be sorry for me -sympathy is fine or whatever- or everyone wants to offer their advice. what they would do. what they think you should do.. and honestly, sometimes all we need is someone to listen and be supportive. let me talk about my horrible ass day, without you saying im being negative. let me tell you im having a hard time eating, without you telling me to just eat. let me cry, without you trying to make me smile. im not broken, my chemicals will balance out. but allow me the space to hold hands with my feelings. yea it gets scary... its scary for me too 😒. but it doesn't always need to be fixed. sometimes you just have to ride the episode out. most times i just have to ride the episode out. and it's haaaaard, but it's okay. its usually when i feel really lonely and misunderstood that i get suicidal. i feel like i can't talk to anyone and i have to save face. i have to be who people want me to be, and that's so damaging. suicidal ideation most definitely comes out the purple, too. i can be minding my business, and BOOM. but its a symptom of a bigger issue. just like the bulimia. its a symptom of a bigger issue. and my bigger issue is unresolved trauma and a mood disorder thats wreaking havoc over my mental estate. and i KNOW that. and sometimes i just need to be reminded that im sick. im not broken. im sick. and anyone with a mood disorder knows its a larger scale with different extremes, and triggers are plentiful.

anyway anyway. they kept me over night to make sure my heart rate beat whatever stabilized, i ate something, wouldn't die of an electrolyte imbalance, and wouldn't come home and take all my lithium or overdose on oxy. but im home now ! and while i am obviously still depressed, ive managed to shower, eat and keep down half a bowl of oats, get rid of all the pills ive stockpiled, and make myself a nice hot cup of tea. and yaknow, like eat a banana lol.

im not happy, but i feel heard and seen. and that shit REALLY makes a difference.

[hairringtonsteve]

good.

(joe keery x reader) 

request: babes! can I have a joe keery one where y/n works on the set of stranger things and to him she's like the coolest ever and the both have the same style and he falls pretty hard, and when season two comes around there's a tearful reunion and confessions of love xxxx (also can y/n be british?)

summary: turns out joe doesn’t really cope well with his emotions and cries when he’s tired.

word count: 2,393

a/n: okay, so this is going out tonight (sunday), and i won’t be on much at all tomorrow BECAUSE MY AUNT IS HAVING A BABY, so i’m going to queue up a fic that somebody submitted to me, and that’ll go out tomorrow. that is all. there are no warnings in this fic. it’s just nice and fluffy and joe cries a lil. 

It had all started with the slapping.

Well, really, it had started when you’d been hired as a production assistant for some Netflix show. The premise had seemed interesting enough - you’d grown up being into sci-fi stuff - but what had really intrigued you was the fact that it was a paying job. You’d been trying your hardest to get a job in film, on top of trying to get someone to hire you while also providing you a work visa.

Eventually, your uncle had known this dude who’d known a woman who babysat for this person’s cousin who knew someone that worked at Netflix. Which meant that a couple of months later, you were working on the set of an actual tv show.

But the actual fun? That had started with the slapping.

It was day three of shooting, when you’d noticed it. Being a PA meant that you were relatively low on the list of important people, and that you were there to do what you were told and to keep your mouth shut. But you’d started to pick up on the fact that two of the actors, Gaten and Finn, had red cheeks. Not just red cheeks where they were a little excited for the scene at hand, but like… like they’d been hit. You had younger brothers. You knew how stupid kids could be. They’d already shot the scene twice, and a difference like that would be noticeable.

So you took a chance. You approached one of the Duffer brothers - you prayed you’d get the name right - and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Uh, Matt? Gaten and Finn’s cheeks look a little off. It might show up on camera.” You and Matt looked to the boys in question, watching as Finn reared his hand back and slapped Gaten across the cheek.

“What the fuck… Hey, you two! What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Matt started towards them, scowling as you hesitated for a second before following behind him. “Are you kidding me? You can’t slap each other before a take. It’s going to ruin continuity.”

“We can’t help it! We’re excited!” Gaten piped up, grinning.

“Well, are you guys going to stop?” Finn and Gaten both looked towards each other before turning back to Matt, shaking their heads, grinning like a couple of idiots. “Jesus,” he muttered. He sighed, running a hand over his face as he turned around. His gaze settled on you. “You, you good with kids?”

“Uh, sure?”

“Cool. You’re being promoted to child wrangler.”

“Isn’t there already a wrangler?”

“Well, yeah, but… You’ll be the actual wrangler. They’re worried about the kids’ safety. You’ll be making sure they don’t do anything stupid.”

Don’t do anything stupid became the mantra for the entirety of filming.

There would be days where it felt like the only things that you said were:

“Finn, knock it off.”

“Gaten, I understood the joke. It wasn’t funny.”

“Caleb, please stop talking.”

“Finn, knock it off.”

“Noah’s my favorite.”

“Finn, knock it off!”

There were more better days than worse days, though. Millie easily listened to you the best, although that was more because you’d both lived in England. But weirdly enough, your favorite person on set ended up being Joe.

“Where is everyone?”

You jerked your head up from your phone, grinning at Joe as he approached with two donuts in hand. He held out one to you, ignoring the way his pulse stuttered as your fingers brushed against his as you took the donut. He wished that he could say that it had crept up on him slowly, that he hadn’t noticed his giant fucking crush for ages until he just realized that he’d liked you from day one. Because that would have been easier. He would have had time to process his emotions and come up with a game plan.

No, he took one look at you and it hit him like a freight train. It hadn’t been his first day of filming, but within those first couple of weeks whenever everyone was slowly meeting everyone else. He’d wandered onto set during the lunch break only to come across you, Finn Wolfhard, and Caleb McLaughlin, all doubled over, laughing hysterically.

“You’re both - “ Laugh. “Such - “ Wheeze. “Shitheads.” You were getting the words out - barely - in between your laughter, Finn and Caleb losing it even more than you had.

“How was I supposed to know that it wasn’t real?” Finn snickered, grinning from ear to ear.

“Gives shithead a whole new meaning, huh?” Caleb smirked, setting the three of you off into another round of hysterics. Joe just stared at you, eyes wide. He wasn’t able to put his finger on it, but it felt like he’d just been hit in the chest.

It fucking sucked.

“The kids have a test today, which means I get some free time,” you replied, tugging him out of his thoughts. He leaned against the trailer, watching as you settled back onto its steps.

“Enough free time for us to go help out the Companions of Jorrvaskr?” He asked you, eliciting a chuckle as you bit into your donut.

“Probably not. Caleb and Gaten are most likely going to be done soon enough.” Joe nodded his head, trying to bite back the frown that was threatening an appearance. “But we could play it tonight, back at the hotel? Shooting says we should wrap up around seven thirty if you don’t suck.”

“Like, in my room?” His eyes widened, and his heart started to beat a little faster. He’d been one of the lucky ones able to get his own room. You just nodded at him.

“Yeah, like in your room? I mean, we could play in mine, but as much as Sara loves doing your makeup, I’m pretty sure she’d hate you if she had to deal with you off hours,” you teased. Joe just nodded his head a little too enthusiastic.

“Yeah, definitely. My room’s cool. Totally cool. We could grab room service or something too? We’re too late into filming, so they can’t fire me for racking up their bill.” At that, you snorted through your bite of donut, causing Joe to grin even wider.

“What’ve we got left, two weeks?”

“Yeah, I think so. Of principal stuff, anyway. Reshoots will be in a month or two, and then it's press all fucking day for the rest of our lives,” Joe said, making a face at the thought of it.

“Come on, Joe, it can't be that bad.”

“I just… I've never done it before, you know? What if I suck?”

“You can't suck at it, though. You're physically incapable of sucking at that. You're nice, charming, funny, attractive. You've got this down pat, man.”

Joe felt his entire face warm at your words. You'd called him attractive. What the hell was he supposed to say to that?

“Yeah, well, thanks for the vote of confidence.” He paused, glancing to the donut in his hand and then back to you. “You, uh, you think I'm attractive?”

You let out a bright, loud laugh as you grinned up at him. You squinted at him in the harsh sun, opening your mouth to respond just as Gaten swung open the door to the trailer.

“I'm free, Y/N! Fucking nailed it, too,” he crowed, grinning wide as you stood up from the steps, giving him space to hop down.

“Dude, language, please. Your mom said that you need to cut down on the swearing.”

“My mom needs to cut down on the shit,” he said, grinning up at you with a sly look. You shot him a glare, and to Joe's delight, Gaten shrunk under it. “I was being funny, Y/N. I was making a joke. My mom is great, okay? She's a wonderful woman.”

“Hey, you wanna go grab some donuts at crafts? They've got the good ones that you like,” Joe suggested, shooting you a quick wink before Gaten saw him.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, let's give Y/N a break for once.”

Joe shot you another wink as he and Gaten walked away, his pounding in his chest. He was so fucking gone for you, it was ridiculous.

Joe: How's London going?

You: I feel like I'm being unpatriotic but         Atlanta was waaaaay more rainy         So it's not so bad         I miss everybody

Joe: Even me?

You: Especially you.

You: Sooooo best friend

Joe: Yessss vest friend?          Best friend          Fucking autocorrect

You: I saw some nice pictures of you online with a model. Nice 👌

Joe: Oh         No         We were walking out at the same time and they made it look like that         I don't even know her name????

You: So you're not dating?

Joe: Nah

You: Good

Joe: ???????????

Finn: okay so is Y/N coming with us for the press tour or what?

Joe: Nope, they got somebody else to wrangle you assholes

Gaten: Son of a bitch

Caleb: Language

Millie: Languaaaaaage

Noah: LANGUAGE

Charlie: So does no Y/N mean that Joe's going to spend the entire time pining?

Natalia: Probably 😂😂😂

Joe: I'm not PINING JFC we're friends

Charlie: Friends don't wanna make out with other friends, mate. Hate to break                that to you.

Joe: I hate you

Caleb: THEY GOT ANOTHER WRANGLER FOR FILMING ITS NOT Y/N

Finn: no one tell joe. he's gonna be pissed

Joe had been sick when you'd told him that they'd already hired somebody else to watch the kids for season two. It made sense. For the first season, they'd been a little overwhelmed, a little under prepared. The budget had been lower, so they'd had to make do.

With season two, though, it was different. There were new actors and bigger budgets and a totally different feeling whenever he walked into set.

But that might have been because you weren't around.

Joe had been up for somewhere around fifty hours due to some travel issues and stress and then getting roped into a Mario Kart tournament whenever he'd finally gotten to the hotel. So he was a little off his game, but his first scene wasn't for another two days. Costume fittings he could handle on little sleep.

What he couldn't handle was seeing you poke your head into the costume trailer, asking for Noah to get on set.

“Y/N?” He breathed out, staring at you with wide eyes.

“Oh, hey Joe! I didn't think you were getting here until tomorrow.”

“They just - they called me in this morning. What are you doing here?” Was he hallucinating you? You'd specifically told him one night while you were Skyping that they'd gotten an actual person to watch over the kids. And if he wasn't hallucinating, then he needed to get it together. His eyes were actually starting to burn a little, like he wanted to cry.

“I'm working? You remember, my job as a PA?” You stepped into the trailer, taking a step to the left so Noah could could get out. The young boy eyed the two of you carefully, giving you a questioning look to which you just shrugged.

“But - but you said that they hired somebody else to wrangle kids?” The confusion from Joe was emanating from him so much it was almost a tangible thing.

“Yeah, but I was originally hired as a PA. I thought you would have understood what I was saying.” You paused for a moment, stepping towards him until you were about a foot away. “Joe, I would've told you if I wasn't coming back.”

Joe just stared at you, shaking his head slow, back and forth as he tried to wrap his mind around what you were saying.

At some point, the two women who had been making small adjustments to his costume had slipped outside to give the two of you some privacy. Neither of you had noticed.

“I guess you're right, I just panicked? I don't - I don't fucking know anymore.”

“Joe, are you - are you crying?” You laughed softly, reaching up to wipe a tear away from his cheek. You let your hand rest against his cheek, offering him a faint smile. “I know you missed me, but not this much.”

“I haven't slept in like fifty five hours, okay? Gimme a break.” His head dropped to your shoulder, his hands resting at your waist as he tugged you towards him. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why'd you tell me that it was good that I wasn't dating that model?”

It was silent for a few seconds, and Joe's heart felt as though it would burst. That good had haunted him ever since you'd sent it. It was the closest you'd ever gotten to addressing your feelings towards him one way or the other. He'd been dying to ask you, but even over Skype, it felt like it was too important. It needed to be discussed in person.

“Because I don't want you dating anyone, because I'm a jealous twat.” Your fingers carded through his hair as he kept his forehead against your shoulder.

“Why are you jealous?” He lifted his head so he could get a better look at you. Your teeth nipped at your lower lip, a sign of your nerves that he'd first noticed ages ago, soon after he'd met you.

You took in a deep breath, a light pink coloring your cheeks.

“Because I like you. A lot. I've liked you since we first met, but not seeing you in person for months on end sucked, and it hit me, you know?”

Joe nodded his head in response, eager enough that it brought out a small smile on your lips.

“It hit me too,” he murmured. “Really fucking fast and hard.”

“Good, that's good.” The two of you just stared at each other, looks of happy disbelief on your faces before Joe leaned in, pressing his lips to yours. You reached up, tangling your fingers in his hair.

“I'm really into you,” he mumbled against your lips, finding it hard to keep from grinning.

“I'm really into you, too.”

Noah: GUYS            AND GIRLS            YOU WONT BELIEVE IT            [Blurry image of Y/N kissing Joe, shot through the window on the door                 of the trailer]

Finn: but I like emo joe           rip emo joe

[lonelyghosts-stuff]

Avengers Infinity War-First Time Watching Reaction Play-by-Play (Pt. 1)

I’m about to cry... Loki... please no...

Thanks you wrinkly purple nut sack

“We have a hulk.” I’m gonna cry

“I assure you brother, the sun will shine on us again.” AGHHHHH

How on earth is Thanos able to beat up the hulk with only one infinity stone but when he has all of them, the hulk is able to put up a fight?

Oh bye hulk.

Neat trick Heimdall. How come you couldn’t do that with Thor and Loki?

HEIMDALL NO!!!!

No ones had the ability to wield two infinity stones at once? Lmao. Well, in the first avengers, Loki had the scepter AND the tesseract soooo

And the TVA laughs at you Thanos.

HE CALLED HIMSELF ODINSON AGHHHHH

I’m crying

Loki is dead now

Fortunately the existence of the show is helping to alleviate the pain, but we will never see THIS Loki again...

Thor has lost everything. I feel so bad for him. He’s lost his mom, his dad, his friends, his home and people, and his brother.

Good thing Heimdall knew to send Hulk directly into the sanctum. Poor Bruce.

Thanos, I will take great pleasure in your suffering in death. Know this. There is no quadrant in space that you can flee to where you can avoid my wrath. “You think you know pain?” I’ll make you beg “for something as sweet as pain.”

Is Tony like, able to predict the future or something? Morgan Stark?

No more surprises ever Stark? About that...

Science bros hug

Ben and Jerry’s product placement. Nice

Course Vision made himself go offline. Smoochie time with Wanda.

Would shoving the time stone down a garbage disposal even do anything lol? Like, I feel like it would destroy the whole building lol.

Call your boy Steve, Tony!

Suck up your pride.

Poor Bruce. Always getting filled in on all the details last minute.

Bruce has it probably one of the worst. Dudes getting chucked around the universe into places he has no ideas what’s going on in.

Flip phone time

CALL HIM

Oh no

Rumbling?

Ah cripes

Quick make a call on the run

Multitasking is a lifesaver Tony

Poor New York. Why would anyone want to live there in this universe?

Earth’s closed

Go away

Spider man, spider man,

Ned is my favorite avenger.

How did no one see Peter lmao

STAN LEE

EXCELSIOR

SPIDER MAN IS GOING TO SPACE

lmao Tony ain’t gonna be happy

Work it Stephen. Do your interpretive dance moves.

EARTH IS CLOSED

GO AWAY

HEY—my life isn’t that meaningless...

Savage, ratchet

He exhausts us too

Banner having performance issues.

Hulk is on hiatus apparently

Dude you’re embarrassing me in front of the wizards.

heck yea, CGI time

Ebony Maw got no chill.

Hey maybe don’t turn your back on the enemy

Stephen, you almost crushed Bruce under a taxi.

Eh I’ve fought this guy in Marvel Champions... he’s not that tough

Hey Peter

Bye Peter

Tony, master of summaries.

Hulk is in his feels.

It’s a simple spell but quite unbreakable

Meme time

Cmon Stephen you’re supposed to be powerful

Sleepy strange

Capey to the rescue!

I love how Peter doesn’t even question the existence of wizards.

CAPEY NO—

SAVE HIM CAPEY

BEAM ME UP SCOTTY SPIDEY

Wong really just sent that beast to attack poor Inuits huh?

Wong is invited to the wedding

“I can breathe.” *exposes face to space*

Okay that was pretty sick. I don’t particularly like the iron suit as it feels kinda lame since I loved that Peter made his own, but it works here.

Poor pepper

You just had to leave the phone tony

At least Bruce somehow found it

Hell yea it’s my favorite space group, the Guardians of the galaxy. Featuring dance daddy, sleeping invisible man, dance mom, sleepy rabbit, and angst plant.

Now I’m hungry for cheddar

Poor Gamora lmao

Oh and I can’t forget mantis

Mantis you got a killer mean face

Angsty teen plant

Huh they learned Grootish

Uh oh

Gamora knows something up

Oh hi thor

He is not a dude. This is a man.

Poor Peter quill lmao

Heyyyyy Chris Pratt worked out hard to get into shape for this role lmao

Poor Thor...

He literally lost EVERYTHING

Peter is jellyyyy

Drax has a man crush

ASGARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

Thanos isn’t that smart. Just like, double the resources.

Oh thank you thor for being sympathetic

Peter, stop it. It’s not a competition of who has the worst life.

Gosh I love Chris Pratt so friggin much. He’s a national treasure lmaoo. I love him so much.

Peter grow up

Both of you

Children

Oh there’s an actual place called Knowhere

Oh yea Tivan the collector. Didn’t he die?

Half of the Asgardians? I didn’t see them

Kevin bacon is an avenger

Oh Gamora... how did she know where the soul stone is?

Nidavellir? Axe time

Lmao I love the rabbit

HAHAHAHA I LOVE THIS

Thor and rocket rabbit are my favorite duo now

I love rocket so much lmao

I like this thor much better than the one we saw in Ragnarök. (Again, I love that movie as just a movie, but not as a Thor movie)

Good bye morons

Oh hey Paul Bettany

SO CUTE

Love you guys

Wanda vision

Don’t get too attached tho

“I just feel you” oh no... I know where that line comes back around

Promises to go back? To who? For what?

Robot lover

Robosexuality (futurama anyone)

I SHIP IT SO MUCH

Poor Vision lol

Convenient TV News exposition is convenient

Go with him wanda

You just messed up

Poor vision

WRECK EM WANDA

SHOW THEM THE POWER

No more phasing? Oh no.

Cmon Wanda MESS EM UP

No more phasing? Vision should be friends with ghost

It sure is lucky that no one seems to be out and about in Scotland huh?

IMAGINE if Wanda had the powers she had at the end of wandavision right here. Thanos and everyone else would be no match

BOSS GIRL MOMENT

OH HELL YA

THAT IS HOW YOU MAKE AN ENTRANCE CAPTAIN AMERICA ROGERS!!!

AND THE FUTURE CAPTAIN AMERICA SAM TOO!

AND BLACK WIDOW

You aliens are no match

I wanna kill them

Cowards

Gosh Nat is such a badass

Wow Steve looks great with a beard

Digging the suit too, more subtle

Poor Gamora oh my gosh

I wonder why Thanos chose to keep Gamora? She didn’t really display a fighting spirit here

I’m confused. Gamora was described as the last of her kind but the flashback showed only half of them being killed which is more accurate to what Thanos wanted?

Cmon quill, take things seriously...

Oh dear

Quill, be serious...

PETER BE SERIOUS

Swear it

KISS KISS KISS YEA

Dangit drax

Lmao poor drax

I got a bad feeling about Knowhere

I thought Tivan died? Like in the explosion of the power stone?

Drax don’t

Drax be patient

DRAX NOT YET

Drax you couldn’t even take on Ronan... don’t do it ya lovable dummy

Gosh poor Drax

Poor Peter quill

Nice hits Gamora!!!

Just kill him

If someone shot him in the head right here it’d all be over

Oh my gosh I feel so bad for Gamora

Phenomenal acting from Zoe Saldana

He’s not dead... sooooo what’s his play?

Ah

Illusion

Copy cat for Loki

Oh my

Oh so he planned this

OP bastard

Already has the reality stone

Soooo Tivan is dead then?

Oh my that’s horrifying

Grimace lmao

Peter

Cmon

Peter

The emotion

Chills

I hate you Thanos

I really do

OH MY GOSH THEY SAID I LOVE YOU

Thanos you BASTARD

Copying Loki’s move set

Poor quill

This is the last time they see each other huh?

Wait wait wait wait wait, I remember that another Gamora from another timeline comes in and helps. How come she isn’t arrested by the TVA? She’s a variant just like Loki???

You tell em Rhodes

They have nothing to be forgiven

Hell yea baddie Steve

Oh do they think Tony is dead?

Love you Rhodes

Get Steve looks great

BANNER AND NAT

Awkward tensionnnnn

Quick kiss before it’s too late

Lmao poor Sam and his crush on Nat

Lmao Ant-Man and Spider-Man

How long is vision unable to phase?

Poor Wanda... if only they could get it out in Wakanda (I hate how much I know about this without watching).

Isn’t white vision with this visions memories now? Like, can him and Wanda get back together?

WAKANDA

Rest In Peace KING T’CHALLA, Chadwick Boseman! Wakanda forever!

White wolf baby. Lesssgettttittttt

BUCKY BABY LOOKING LIKE JESUS

Poor baby, one fight to another. His only calm in wakanda...

Precarious needle positioning is precarious

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

CMON TONY SAVE HIM

Oh peter

Lmao

Oop

Fault?

Love peter. Perfect awkward teen

“You can’t be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man if there’s no neighborhood.” That worked out perfectly.

Omg peter you’re making even me feel old asking about the “old” movie Aliens.

CAPEY TO THE RESCUE AGAIN

Soooo is ebony maw dead now? He didn’t last long

Cmon you cocky cuckoos

“I’m peter by the way.” “Doctor strange.” “Oh we’re using our made up names... um-I’m spider man then.” Gosh I love peter so much lmao

Yayyyyy PTSD we love that. Poor Tony. He needs therapy. They all do, really.

Man I know how this ends...

Harsh strange... harsh. You’ll learn that the universe also depends on these guys.

Peter is an avenger. Lmao he’s so perfect at being awkward.

Oh no. Poor Gamora. Quick, kill him with the soup.

Thanos, just DOUBLE THE RESOURCES. For cripes sake man. You don’t gotta be a genocidal maniac.

Gamora is only in here 20s? Or I guess maybe 30s now.

Thanos, you don’t understand. Wanna know why you can still see people in poverty happy? Because they see the hope. They value family. You could have given them resources. Not killed them.

Part 2

[toothplug]

ok official spoilery list of what i liked and didn’t like abt tlj........

before i get going i know there will be way more dislikes but i still enjoyed the movie as in I Had Fun but it was an extremely flawed movie. i give it like a 5/10 (tfa for me was like 8.5 even 9 but i’m biased maybe)

likes:

i enjoyed learning the back story of kylo/luke esp from both their perspectives, neat enough

REY IS A GARBAGE CHILD FROM A TRASH PLANET AND NOT A STUPID FUCKING SKYWALKER THANK GOD

good acting all around

That Scene Where Laura Derne Esploded In Space And It Got Real Quiet

some funny moments*

the scene where kylo turns on snoke (some ppl hate that he died, i don’t care as much in fact i kinda liked it but i’m adding a ** here)

Poe had a good arc i guess......

the kylux sex scene i made up in my head

i liked the casino

cute and well designed creatures altho i’m really picky with CGI so sometimes the porgs and crystal dogs or w/e looked a little weird to me but that’s just.....my own issue

When Kylo Ren Stances Up The Gay Icon

When Luke Brushes The Non Dirt Off His Shoulder The Gay Icon

that fucking titty milk luke drinks str8 from the teet that part rocked my world

dislikes:

fucky things with the force that made no sense to me:

snoke connecting rey and kylo, then somehow it still happening after he’s dead

flying leia????????????? wtf??????????? wtf wtf that scene wtf

the following characters got royally fucked in this film: leia (went to sleep, did virtually nothing), rey (everything she does relates to kylo, other than that one thing with her parents and it felt like an afterthought to me, we’re told she grows over the film, but i didn’t see how or when), finn (he does nothing. point blank. does nothing and only interacts with his wittle girlfwiend), rose (also did nothing. the only woc in the main cast and all she does is some stupid ass pointless mission then kisses finn. lame. the dead sister plot had potential but kinda went nowhere), hux (literally a punching bag who lost any sinister qualities he ever had, why was he even here if this was the point), PHASMA???? (she shows up finally for 2 seconds, has the most boring anticlimactic fight in fucking film history, and falls in a fucking hole without us ever SEEING HER FACE?!?!?? i’m so furious about this one. i’m fucking mad bye)

kylo got literally all of the character development/arc other than maybe poe and luke. but poe’s was kinda blah idk it was fine but it fell a little flat for me and luke like had more conflict than others but he basically stagnated the entire time until the very end where he saved the day and then like. died.)

obviously the kiss

*too much humor. detracted from a lot of emotional moments or sinister atmosphere, v marvel film of them to do. 

**i liked snoke’s death BUT it ends up kind of fucking up the movie because he’s not replaced with anyone nearly as menacing or scary. neither kylo nor hux/the first order come even remotely close to how legit scary they were in the first film. i mean hux is literally one of the 3 stooges basically. so we’re left with no proper villain which sucks

these characters were literally unecessary: 

the DJ or any code breaker at all. why did this even happen. this entire thread with him, finn, and rose was fucking ridiculous. worst aspect of the whole movie. i could like go on abt this forever so i’m gonna stop now

ok wait one more thing: the whole gray morality thing via the weapons dealing is sooooo funny hahahha it was stupid af. the first order has slave soldiers but they don’t have their weapons made exclusively? ok

this pains me to say bc i love her but laura derne. other than her sacrifice, everything she did could have been leia, and we could have avoided literally throwing leia’s character away. i mean she got FUCKED and i’m really mad about it. i dont know why johnson set up this atmosphere with the rebels where apparently leia is god and no one on board would ever defy her or even argue something but i think it’s fucking stupid and bad writing. the idea that poe couldn’t have learned the exact same fucking lesson from her is idiotic. laura derne could have just like been around a few times, established that she’s close with leia, then her sacrifice still means something without detracting from other characters’ screen time. because that’s what she did sorry lmfao

listen it’s so cute and sweet that billie lourd was in it but she was in it too much. i’m sorry like. u only have so much time to develop a shit ton of characters so :( sorry billie.

that stupid fucking white boy with the force or whatever at the end. fuck that. sorry but why him ? if ur gonna do some like Kids In The Galaxy Paralleling The Audience Nostalgia fuck you for making a white boy. just reestablishes that this franchise originally was never meant for me like, this was all just a huge i love star wars wank fest for rian johnson and he clearly sees himself as that little boy which i think is literally dumb. not sure why it couldn’t have been one of the other kids or all three. stupid

this ties in with leia getting shafted but she and luke get to interact for like literally 3 seconds

this movie should just be retitled “Kylo Ren Is Valid And Here’s Why”

i want to point out i’m not one of Those People who hates the idea of a kylo redemption arc or thinks it’s impossible. like i said earlier, i liked getting his and luke’s sides of things and i’m fine with past kylo being painted somewhat sympathetically. but this movie fucking WACKS YOU OVER THE HEAD with it literally NONSTOP. 

the rey and kylo stuff was fine in theory but again it happened way too much. i think it could have been condensed into one scene where they connected once

as soon as rey and poe introduced themselves to each other i knew there was a big problem. i had like a revelatory moment in the theater because that was at the End of the film and two of the three MAIN protagonists (imo) JUST NOW MET?? at the end of the second movie. there’s only one more and their relationship is only starting now???? k.

in general splitting the main trio up for the entirety of the film was a shit ass idea

rey had too much makeup on lmfao there i said it

other than the one fight scene with rey and kylo, the fighting fell really flat as did the other action

didn’t like luke’s death. it took me a second to even realize what happened. probably fans of the OG trilogy loved it or at least liked it more but i didn’t grow up with SW and i didn’t care about it until TFA. i had this fleeting thought of like “oh wait were there two suns just then? that’s like....where he grew up or something right oh wait now they’re gone so it was symboli-oh wait he’s dead. oh.” idk it felt really anticlimactic to me. i mean compared to han’s death it doesn’t hold up at all imo

FUCK YODA THE STINKY OLD MAN!!!! that part was dumb as hell and so fanservicey it like hurt my body

overall, the movie did mostly nothing. felt like filler !

all in all i had fun like i said, the movie was p blah, and if the final one rocks which obviously i hope it does, then i’ll be more forgiving. every trilogy has a stinker even if it’s a good stinker, and the 2nd is always the best one to be the stinker imo so. hopefully this one is it.

[prettyboyiwa]

#1 through #150 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻😄😄😄

🙂🙂🙂 oh my word. well I hope y'all really wanna know about me 😂

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?My best friend brandon
2. Are you outgoing or shy?Shy with people I don’t know but outgoing once I open up
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?Nobody?? I hate everyone. Lol jk umm I’m looking forward to meeting up with @hyungjooki soon💕4. Are you easy to get along with?If you like stupid puns and humor then yes 😂
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?I don’t really like anyone right now but I definitely think Johnny Seo would take care of me yes
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?Funny, adventurous, respectful in the right times but playful in the right times as well…the only physical quality I really look for is someone taller than me because I’m 5'10
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?Ehhhh probably not. Guys at my high school kinda suck? They’re all rednecks
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
Oh Sehun 😂💕9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Nah I have a dirty mind it doesn’t bother me
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?My sister @minseoksmarshmallow
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?
"HOW IS MY CITY" my friend is in Chicago right now so12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Ummmmm this is hard wow ok-Bling Bling by iKON-Ocean View by Reddy-Tao by Tao-Catch Me When I Fall by Luhan-Luckiest Man by Mosaic
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?God no I can’t stand it
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Luck no, miracles yes
15. What good thing happened this summer?I went to New York for the first time and I loved it
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Welp. I’ve never kissed anyone sooooo
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?OH MY GOSH YES DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON SPACE AND EVERYTHING OUT THERE. THERES TOO MUCH OUT THERE FOR THERE NOT TO BE OTHER LIFE. ok I’m done 
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?Yeah he’s actually my best friend now. We consider each other brother and sister
19. Do you like bubble baths?When I’m stressed heck yeah
20. Do you like your neighbors?Yes they’re this sweet old couple and they let me play with their dogs
21. What are your bad habits?Umm I’m kinda controlling and it’s hard to change my mind once I’ve made it up 
22. Where would you like to travel?Everywhere. I wanna travel everywhere. But if I had to pick one place I would have to choose Thailand
23. Do you have trust issues?Yes. Very bad trust issues. It takes me years to open up to people. 
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?Doing my makeup. It brings me joy and refreshes me
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?Ummm I’m not really sure. I’m pretty confident in myself but if I had to pick something I would say my face shape. It’s kinda round and sometimes I wish it was thinner
26. What do you do when you wake up?Grumble about how I don’t wanna be awake and then check Tumblr 
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?No I’m good
28. Who are you most comfortable around?My sister @minseoksmarshmallow 💕
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?Never had a boyfriend soooo
30. Do you ever want to get married?It would be nice but honestly I’d be content by myself
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?Yes it’s super long right now I haven’t cut it in a while
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?HAHAHHA UMMM sik-k, simon dominic, and jay park
33. Spell your name with your chin.Nehan … wow perfect 
34. Do you play sports? What sports?I don’t anymore but I used to play basketball and run track (last leg of the 4x100 and high jump)
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?Without tv. Music is everything to me
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?lol yes. my entire life basically 
37. What do you say during awkward silences?I usually either try and crack a stupid joke or just sit in the silence 
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Tall, nice, attractive, strong, tattoos, fashionable, adventurous, funny. I don’t really have a certain person in mind though 
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?Calvin Klein, Rue 21, Forever 21, other stores I can’t afford
40. What do you want to do after high school?I want to go to college and double major in business and fashion design 😊
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Nope. 
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?Either I don’t know you so I’m not gonna talk or I’m extremely sad (lol or I’m hungry)
43. Do you smile at strangers?Everywhere except school
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?OUTER SPACE OMG DONT GO THERE AGAIN
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?food. i wish this was a joke but it’s not. 
46. What are you paranoid about?I’m paranoid that there’s gonna be a world war 3 also that a moth is gonna fly in my room I hate moths I could scream 
47. Have you ever been high?Nah
48. Have you ever been drunk?Not yet 😂
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?I mean probably? Can’t think of anything right now but I’m sure there’s something 
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?
gray and red and white. I’m wearing it right now actually. It’s a Chicago Bulls hoodie51. Ever wished you were someone else?All the time I hate South Georgia it sucks
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?My middle name I hate it
53. Favourite makeup brand?NYX
54. Favourite store?Versace (even though I have no money?)
55. Favourite blog?At the moment @s0nhyunwoo and @urmomstax56. Favourite colour?Black 
57. Favourite food? Everything?? Bulgogi or pasta
58. Last thing you ate?A Caesar salad
59. First thing you ate this morning?Coffee. Does that count? And a cookie. 
60. Ever won a competition? For what?My team won our track competition one year and I won MVP for basketball
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?No all of my fights happened after school I’m not stupid 
62. Been arrested? For what?Nope
63. Ever been in love? No
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?Never been kissed 🙂
65. Are you hungry right now?Always
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?Even though some of my Tumblr friends are my real friends I gotta say yes
67. Facebook or Twitter?Neither?
68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr 
69. Are you watching tv right now?Yes
70. Names of your bestfriends? Brandon, Emily, Savannah
71. Craving something? What?Yes 😭 french fries
72. What colour are your towels?Blue and gray
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?3. 2 behind my head and 1 I hold
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?No 
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?10? Maybe?
75. Favourite animal?Badger
76. What colour is your underwear?Black
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Neither I don’t like sweets that much 
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Cookie dough 
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Gray
80. What colour pants?White 
81. Favourite tv show?UMM THIS IS HARD at the moment parks and rec because I’m rewatching it and I forgot how funny it is
82. Favourite movie?UMM THIS IS HARD TOO karate kid? the original one?
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?Mean girls
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?Mean girls (I’ve never seen 21)
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Umm none of them they all suck
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Crush the turtle
87. First person you talked to today?My sister sarah 
88. Last person you talked to today?My sister sarah😂
89. Name a person you hate?I don’t actually hate anyone even though I basically say I hate everyone everyday
90. Name a person you love?Myself bye
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?Yes 🙂
92. In a fight with someone?Not at the moment 
93. How many sweatpants do you have?3 pairs I think?
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?Too many. Maybe 10? Probably more. 
95. Last movie you watched?Karate kid
96. Favourite actress?I don’t really have one so… j-lo? 😂
97. Favourite actor?Jeremy Renner or George Clooney (my daddies)
98. Do you tan a lot?Not like lay out tan but I tan easily 
99. Have any pets?No 😞
100. How are you feeling?I’m pretty good right now
101. Do you type fast?Yes very
102. Do you regret anything from your past?No I’m pretty content 
103. Can you spell well?Yes I’m a grammar nazi so
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Nah
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?Yes
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?Probably I’m amazing 
107. Have you ever been on a horse?Yes
108. What should you be doing?Figuring out when my class starts tomorrow so I’m not late on my first day
109. Is something irritating you right now?My acne 
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Nah
111. Do you have trust issues?Yes very big trust issues
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
I don’t remember the last time I cried so there’s problem one. Probably my sister @minseoksmarshmallow113. What was your childhood nickname?Meg, Sunshine, Boo, Meggie, etc. there were a lot 
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yes and I loved it
115. Do you play the Wii?Sometimes??
116. Are you listening to music right now?Yes when am I not 
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Sure 
118. Do you like Chinese food?Of course 
119. Favourite book?Ooh this is hard…ummm…Skin by Ted Dekker?
120. Are you afraid of the dark?Nah
121. Are you mean?I can be a jerk yeah. Depends on what your personality is like 
122. Is cheating ever okay?NO
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?Yes
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?Not really no 
125. Do you believe in true love?Sure
126. Are you currently bored?Nah I’m good
127. What makes you happy?Food, dancing, fashion 
128. Would you change your name?No my name is fine (except my middle name I would change that yes)
129. What your zodiac sign?Leo and proud 
130. Do you like subway?Hell yes
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Probably ignore it even if I like them back
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?My sister @minseoksmarshmallow
133. Favourite lyrics right now?Begin by Jungkook (I really connect to them and I can understand where he is coming from throughout the entire song)
134. Can you count to one million?Yes 
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?That I broke a persons surfboard and waited in the ocean until they left so I wouldn’t have to face them (I honestly don’t even remember why I told someone this)
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed
137. How tall are you?5'10
138. Curly or Straight hair?Wavy? It’s in the middle 
139. Brunette or Blonde?Brunette naturally but most of it is bleached right now 
140. Summer or Winter?WINTER
141. Night or Day?NIGHT
142. Favourite month?July because I’m American and I love 4th of July
143. Are you a vegetarian?No I like meat way too much 
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?I hate chocolate 
145. Tea or Coffee?Coffee please. No sugar no cream 😊
146. Was today a good day?It was a very good day yes 😊
147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers I guess
148. What’s your favourite quote?“Be gorgeous and be great” -Tyra Banks 😂
149. Do you believe in ghosts?Yes
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?They reached the top of the hill, where the land flattened for a couple of feet then dropped again, plummeting down another slope to the land beyond.

God bless hope y'all enjoy learning about me 😂💕

[saintkimora]

well here is how the past 4 days have been w joel

we started talking on scruff like 5 days ago. it was actually really nice conversation. like i usually suck at talking to people on those apps but w him it came naturally so that was a good first sign

so our first cuddle date was on friday night. i drove to his apartment and i actually drove on the parkway! it was scary but i had to do it bc using the regular streets would have taken like an extra 12 minutes. i was not expecting much bc he said on scruff that he isnt looking for a relationship bc hes been going from relationship to relationship for a while and he felt suppressed so he wanted some time to just hoe around (ok caleb) so i went into it just expecting a decent one night thing. i got there around midnight

 so i finally got there and he was soooooooooo cute in person omg!!! he already looked cute in his profile pic but he was even cuter irl. so i got there and his 3 roommates were all in like the living room area so i had to meet them. it was hard and i was getting more nervous as the convo went on. but the first thing one of them asked me was if i knew who that poppy was and i was like yeah i do lol and they all went wild asfajkdfbheakdfkha they were so surprised that i knew who she was! and then one of them showed me her pet toad lmao 

so then we went into his room. we cuddled and talked and stuff and it was soooooo nice omg. he was sooooooooooooo cute and sweet and affectionate and funny and his voice is kinda dorky. and his hair is SOOOOOOOOO SO nice omg i was touching it like all night. and his ass is so nice omg i finally got a man with some ass!!! his ass is so fat and hairy and jiggly omg! and he had a really cute soft belly too and he has nice titties. and his eyelashes are so cute and he had nice eyebrows and a nice beard and soft lips. AND he likes me hairy and he told me i didnt even need to trim my pubes! now this is a MAN 

so we talked on his bed for most of the night. we talked about drag race (he has bad opinions on it though he hates all the messy iconic queens! like he doesnt like nina or trinity smh) and overwatch and ff and kh and also some more personal stuff. and he has anxiety too! which is good bc now i dont have to worry as much about my anxiety being a burden like i had to do with c*leb. he also told me about some of his past relationships which i will get to later bc i was not happy about this

 at one point we sat on his couch bc he wanted to show me all the playbills for the shows hes been to/been a part of. i do not care for theatre stuff but i still enjoyed it bc he seemed really excited to show off all his playbills lol. he also gave me his mcat book since he doesnt need it since hes already taken it and gotten an acceptable score lol

so we cuddled some more (hes a REALLY good cuddler btw omg) and we did some touching and kissing and oral obv and then we fell asleep. and this was like one of my fave parts omg i looooooooved falling asleep with him and waking up with him. it was such a cute first date! he did leave like 3 hickeys on me though :/

so then i had to leave and go back home to go to my cousins baptism party. it was boring but it wasnt as bad as it couldve been bc joel kept texting me all day telling me he missed me and stuff which was cute 

then he invited me over again that night. so towards the end of the party he was like “btw my friends and i just started watching rent live so take your time bc youll prob get here during the middle of it” and i was like ok that is not happening bc i was not about to sit there and hang out w him and his friends that i dont know at all bc i am not repeating my third date with caleb. so i really took my time and watched the newest drag race. then i got there around midnight again

so we went into his room and he was playing kh 2.8 but we turned it off and we played mariokart on the switch instead! 10th grade me WISHES he was current me omg it was super fun even though he beat me almost every time lol. then we went in bed and did the usual. but this is where a problem started. so we were kissing and touching and stuff and i accidentally moaned calebs name AJKSFADSJFAEJKF i felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad 

he was like “what was that?” and i was like “what?” and he was like “what did you say?” and i was like “nothing” and he was like “it sounded like you said caleb” so then i apologized like a million times lol he said it was ok as long as it didnt happen again. but still i felt sooooo bad about it. i apologized again later on in the night and he said its ok and not to dwell on it lol. idek why i said it bc joel is more attractive than caleb both in terms of looks and personality. i had the same problem when i was with caleb too smh whenever i was w caleb i had to fight the urge to say freddies name. so yeah that was the one mistake ive made so far

so then i tried to make it up to him by sucking his dick. then i also ate his ass and fingered him. now THAT made me horny omg eating his ass was so much fun and his hole was so pretty and fingering him was super fun too! he was nice and tight and he was REALLY enjoying it which made me like it even more! so then i basically fingered him while sucking his dick/jerking him off until he came and it was honestly a religious experience omg he looked SO hot

then we fell asleep again lol but this time i had to wake up earlier bc i had work. work was good bc i got 3 credit cards and my manager sarah was happy about it. but i got SOOOO angry towards the end like we closed at 7 and a whole crowd of people came in at 6:55 and the line was so long even after we closed and when i finally got my last customer she ended up being the most difficult one of the day i hated herrrrrr omg she had like a million returns all w dif receipts and it was even more annoying bc we have to put away the returns along w the go backs after closing so she just gave me even more work to do

then on sunday joel said we shouldnt hang out that night bc we needed to pace ourselves. i was fine w that bc obv i missed him but logically speaking going slow is prob the best thing to do so we dont burn out too quickly. he did text me a lot that night though lol he was not afraid to tell me how much he missed me lol it was cute. then on monday afternoon i saw my therapist and told her all about my new thing w joel and i talked about the doubts i had about it and we had a v good session!

then came last night/today. so this time i got there around like 9pm. i was happy bc it was so easy driving on the parkway this time i was like wow this is actually kinda fun but then i had so much trouble finding parking smh like i can never just have one completely good drive! so i got there and said hi to 2 of his roommates who were in the living room/kitchen area. we went into his room and we watched finding dory and it was so cute! i prob wouldnt have enjoyed it by myself but it was fun watching it while cuddling w him. then there was like a centipede type thing on his ceiling and i was about to die omg he sprayed it w lysol and it fell but he couldnt find it so he thought it would die soon but then later on in the movie it touched his foot and i had to get away while he killed it for good. then later that night when we were in bed there was another bug on his wall smh but this one was easy for him to kill

after the movie he pulled up these youtube videos from this dance show his schools theatre honor society did and made me watch all the songs w him in them. it was honestly really boring im not gonna lie akjfhadshfkfskdjabhd but it was nice seeing him dance and stuff i guess. there was one point where there was a guy in the performance and he was like “oh he had such a nice ass, when i first saw him i was like whoa” like...once again ok caleb like that is not really information i needed to hear. or when this other guy was in the performance and he was like “oh he was my roommate that year, he was one hot piece of ass” like again i really do not need to hear this

then we went in his bed and it was nice! i ate his ass again and this time he ate my ass as well and i ended up cumming this time and i started like laughing uncontrollably after i came idk why lol but it was fun. we fell asleep and this time we could sleep in so it was nice. we kept waking up and kissing and cuddling and stuff. we ended up getting up for real at like 2pm. then he wanted to watch friends so we did that and then he played overwatch while i watched and cuddled him and touched his belly. then we were just laying in bed again and then i had to go back home for dinner. he offered me cereal or oatmeal when he had a bagel for breakfast but im not comfortable eating in front of him yet and i also hate imposing on people so i lied and said i wasnt hungry even though i was starving ashjfadkfhdskjn

so now for the bad parts. so like joel has not shown any signs of being anything but completely 100% interested in me and he has shown no signs of stopping soon yet i cant stop feeling like he just likes me now bc this is new and then he’ll get bored and leave when he gets to know me better. bc thats basically what caleb did and like i have no proof that joel will do it too but i cant get over the feeling unfortunately :/ like honestly out of our 3 dates so far i was kinda tempted to just cancel and then never talk to him again for 2 of them just to end things now so it doesnt get messy later. but my therapist said im not psychic so i shouldnt try to predict the future without any evidence so i am trying to just push the feeling to the back of my mind

now for my next issue: our relationship status. so joel said when we first talked on scruff that he didnt want a relationship but his actions have said otherwise. like he said he wants to take things slow bc he wants to make this work and he keeps saying he wants me to be his and stuff like that and he seems v interested in me beyond just as a friend w benefits. so idk what exactly he wants bc even if he changes his mind and wants to be bfs w me idk if i want to bc i dont want to make him feel “suppressed” again like he said about his past relationship history. so yeah as of now im not taking it too seriously and am just trying to enjoy myself without really thinking of how our situation is going to develop

now for my next issue: his past relationships. he told me the one time he like REALLY fell in love w a guy was w this online long distance relationship. this relationship actually ended very badly for him. but the issue to me is how it began. joel said he met this online guy WHILE he (joel) already had a boyfriend and that he developed feelings for this online guy while he was still w his bf at the time. he said he felt bad about it which is nice i guess. but the way i see it is that if he did this once he can very well do it again and i dont want to be the current boyfriend when that happens. like i honestly cant relate at all bc im the type who doesnt even really check out other guys when im currently bfs w someone. not everyone is like this obv so i cant be mad at him if hes the type to still be attracted to other men. but like, to actually develop feelings for someone else (and not just have it be a physical attraction) while currently bfs w someone? that is just disgusting imo and when he told me this i told him like im ngl thats messed up. so yeah that makes me even more hesitant to be in a relationship w him since he might meet another guy when hes with me and fall in love with him instead. so yeah this is just another thing to note in the back of my mind

and now for something i have mixed feelings about. on sunday he texted me to let me know he deleted all his dating apps yesterday bc he wanted to to focus on pursuing me and he wanted to be preemptive about it bc he didnt want to have any “temptations.” honestly it was cute at first but then i went to delete mine and looked on scruff and it said he was online 10 hours ago but he said he deleted it yesterday! so i asked him about it and he was like “oh yeah i redownloaded them this morning just to check them one last time” like ????????? honestly it was just funny to me bc like why did he tell me deleted his dating apps like it was some big thing if he was just gonna redownload them the next day nnnnnnnnn and like he didnt tell me about the redownloading part so he just wanted me to believe he deleted them yesterday? like idgi what was the point of that lol i think he wanted to do something to look sweet but it just ended up backfiring lmao. also he said he deleted the apps but he didnt delete his profiles so idk what to make of that but honestly i really dont care ive known this guy for 5 days afhkjafkhdaskn it was just kinda funny to me

but this next part is worrisome. its what he said about resisting tempations. like it wouldve been fine if he just said like “i am pursuing you so theres no reason for me to still be on dating apps” but like saying he “didnt want any tempations” so its like...hes admitting that its possible for him to be tempted? like as i said im not tempted by other guys at all like if i am with a man it is just him and only him for me. so idk again it seemed like he was trying to gain points w me by saying that but it just made me even more suspicious. again im not making too much of a big deal over it bc its not that serious yet but its just something for me to keep in my mind bc my therapist said this is the stage where i should be doing research and making note of things that could be red flags and stuff. so *tiffany pollard voice* ive been doing a little research

like it doesnt seem THAT bad on its own but when you combine the temptations thing w his past relationship history stuff it does make it seem like its very possible for him to show so much interest in me now and get with me only to decide he likes another guy more. so yeah for these reasons i am not putting too much stock into whatever we have rn bc im not quite sure yet whether i want to pursue a relationship with him

and i have one more thing. as ive mentioned before joel is good at EVERYTHING. he is good at orgo, playing a bunch of instruments, choreography, makeup, studying, video games, staying on top of his career goals, cooking, and he has a higher gpa than me. i am trying not to be competitive but its honestly really fucking annoying that he is better than me at literally everything! like i wish i just had one thing i could beat him at. i dont want to let it get to me but regardless of how i want to feel the fact of the matter is that i dont like it when people are better than me at anything in general, so when someone is better than me at like everything it REALLY gets on my nerves

and another thing. like all 3 of our dates so far have just been us two alone in his room. i have yet to see how good we are together in like social situations. like w caleb we got along perfectly fine when we were alone just hanging out but the problems started w like going out and doing social things like that. so i need to see what his needs are socially and how compatible our lifestyles are before i can fully devote myself bc if he has the same needs as caleb i most likely wont be able to keep up which will put a strain on the relationship

so those are my issues with the situation so far. i said those first bc i wanted to end on a good note! so now i can move on to the good stuff

joel is honestly really really nice and he gives me soooo much attention and he seems very interested in me atm. he loves my appearance AND he loves my personality and for once it seems like we equally enjoy being with each other instead of me liking the other person way more than they like me. and we have so many common interests and like i dont feel nervous at all when im talking to him! and like he misses me soooo much its so cute! and his personality is just like my fave like it just makes me wanna squeeze him! and hes so funny and like its so cute like if i make a joke and he says like get out or leave or something and im like ok and start to get up hes like “no no dont!!!” and like latches onto me and it is soooooooooo cute. and i literally cannot keep my hands off his hair (and also his ass and tum tbh). and since he lives w his 3 roommates theres no parents to worry about! and he just makes me really happy like i cannot be sad around him and hes so bubbly and he always uses so many heart emojis and calls me nice things like babe and my love and sweetheart and yeah just like he is literally checking off every box rn. all the problems i listed before are somewhat significant but overall i really like him so far so i def want to keep seeing him. and he already lives v close to his school so its not like i need to worry about him leaving anytime soon! and hes really nice like i really liked caleb at first as well (since the problems only really started towards the end of our relationship) but i already like joel way more than i liked caleb! and its nice bc like everyone kept saying when caleb broke up w me that i would find someone way better than him but it was kinda hard to believe at the time but everyone was right! i like joel soooooo much so far and if any guy ive met so far has been boyfriend material its definitely him