#next day here- but also because he doesn't let me rest until i finish writing about him 😭 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fiveht · 6 months

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Proof of life (Adore pt 3)

Hello my sweet angel babies ♥️

I'm not going to be able to adequately express my gratitude for the steady stream of love (and concern, sorry) I've been receiving over the past couple of months. I'm so sorry I've been AWOL, it will definitely happen again. Because see, for me, I usually have to make a choice between social and creative fandom participation. My battery is small, and takes a long time to charge.

Thank you to everyone who's left comments and asks and DMs since I've been gone. I don't think I can respond to all of it, but rest assured those messages ping my cold, dead heart every time I see them.

So I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I did this same thing months and months ago, when I was working on Head Over Feet, and let me be clear: posting even a single word of a WIP goes against my every instinct and principle as an author. I am someone who likes to finish an entire story before I post any of it, and on top of that, I am NOT a fast writer, so the expectations that I'm setting up here might not be advisable. But I did it before and managed to finish the thing, and I want to give you guys something in exchange for being so unbelievably awesome, so here I am again.

This will probably be the only time I mention this story in public until it's finished and posted, and inquiries about my progress are unlikely to help with the writing process, I'm just saying. I reserve the right to change every last word of this before the final draft, and I also reserve the right to fall off the face of the planet and simply never finish it, as much as I will strive to prevent that from happening. Please be patient with me.

Anyway, here is my paltry offering to say thanks for the love: the (VERY rough) first ~1300 words of the third instalment of The Adventures of Soft Daddy and Danger Twink.

Sirius secures his handheld shower head to its holder at the edge of his clawfoot tub, and steps out carefully onto the bathmat. He shivers in the cool air outside the shower curtain; it's about twenty degrees below zero outside, so even if he could afford to run his ancient radiator at full blast, it probably wouldn't help much.

He dries himself off and checks his reflection in the mirror, turning his face this way and that as he tugs his hair out of the bun he'd piled it into to keep it dry during his shower. There's no need for makeup tonight, not when he's not even planning to put on clothes.

It's incrementally warmer when he steps out into the main room of his apartment. He gathers an array of splayed text books and notes from his bed and dumps them carelessly onto the couch, then closes his new laptop and places it delicately on the coffee table. It's the most expensive thing he owns, save for the Gucci backpack currently sitting in his wardrobe with a three-inch berth around it like his shoes and other bags might somehow contaminate it. It's weird owning rich-people stuff when you are still, objectively, broke as fuck.

He perches on the edge of his bed and sets his phone to charge, because his battery doesn't even last a day anymore, and he's going to need it this evening. He tucks it in next to his pillow and picks up his new toy.

The plug isn't much larger than the one he already has. A little longer, which is appealing, but no wider, so it shouldn't be a challenge to get it in comfortably. He disconnects it from its charger and hefts it in his hand, feeling the added weight from the electronics inside.

He picks up his phone, and hesitates when he sees the notification waiting for him.

Rieka: let's go out tomorrow

Rieka: the fact that we haven't been drunk since the term started is criminal

Rieka: we've had two chem labs and zero drinks

Sirius purses his lips, thumbs hovering over the keyboard. There's a fine line here, and he hasn't quite found it yet.

Me: got plans

Me: raincheck?

So complete avoidance is the best strategy, right?

Rieka: booooo 👎

He sighs, but at least she's not asking for an explanation. He opens a different conversation then, pushing all thoughts of Rieka Lupin into a tidy, sealed compartment, not to be opened during certain activities with a certain relative of hers.

Me: i'm ready

Me: are you in your office?

Daddy: Yup, I've got a few minutes

Daddy: Want me to call?

Instead of answering, Sirius hits the call button himself.

"Hey baby," Remus answers. His voice is already smooth and honey-sweet, and just from that, Sirius knows he's planning to lay it on thick tonight.

"Hi daddy," Sirius says with a smile. "Should I put it in now?"

There's a low chuckle over the line. "Are we feeling eager?"

"Always," Sirius says, laying back on his bed.

"Use the good lube I got you, it's gonna be in there a while."

He switches the call to speaker, and snags the bottle from his nightstand. "I threw out the old stuff, you've got me ruined for cheap lube."

"Only the best for that ass," Remus says, and Sirius can hear his smirk.

He gives the plug a liberal coating, running his fingers along its shape, his dick twitching just at the feel of the silky-smooth silicone, at the anticipation of what's about to happen. He spreads his legs wide, drawing one knee up to give himself easier access.

"Take it slow," Remus says, succinctly heading off Sirius' impulse to just shove the thing inside himself in one go. "Rub the tip against yourself, so you're nice and wet."

Sirius shuts his eyes as he obeys, sliding the slick end of the toy over his entrance. "Okay."

"Are you going to be a good boy for daddy tonight?"

"Uh-huh," Sirius says, teasing the very tip of the plug in and out of his hole.

"Tell me how."

"I'm not gonna touch."

"You're not gonna touch, and you're not gonna come."

"Yeah," Sirius says. His cock is starting to harden as his body tries to draw the plug inside. "Can I put it in, daddy?"

"Slow," Remus reminds him, "Slide it in nice and slow for me, baby."

Sirius catches his lip between his teeth and tries to push the plug in slowly, the way he knows Remus would do if he was here.

The shower has left him relaxed and more than ready, and it's hard not to take advantage, just press the toy in to its limit because he can. But he's working on his patience -- under Remus' careful tutelage -- so he shuts his eyes and tries to savour it, the tease of the plug's rubber tip at his entrance, the slow stretch as he eases it past the slight resistance before he sighs, and his body eagerly accepts the intrusion.

"Mmmm," Sirius sighs as he settles the base of the plug flush against his entrance, shifting his hips and feeling the constant, dull pressure against his prostate.

"How's it feel?"

"Good," Sirius says, splaying his legs out and just enjoying the pleasant fullness. It's been almost a week since Remus last fucked him, and that's just way too long. Christmas really spoiled him. He tugs the blankets up around him, because it's going to take some time before his body temperature is high enough to fight against the chill in his apartment.

"Have you tried out the settings at all?" Remus asks him, and Sirius picks up the phone, switching off speaker and holding it to his ear.

"No," he says, grinding his ass down against the bed to test the plug's reach inside him. "I thought you'd rather do the honours."

Remus hums, and Sirius hears the phone shifting in his grip. "I'm gonna turn it on, okay? Lowest setting."

"O--" Sirius stutters as the plug buzzes to life inside him, nestled snug against his prostate and sending little zings of pleasure down his legs. "Fuck that feels good. That's the lowest setting?"

"It is," Remus confirms. "Want to run through them all, see how high it goes? Or would you rather be surprised?"

"Mmmm, surprise me."

"Surprise it is," Remus says, and Sirius hears shuffling papers in the background as he prepares for his night class. Psychology 1001, Thursdays, 7-9:30PM. Two and a half hours of a lecture that Remus swears he's given so many times he could recite it in his sleep, so why not give himself something fun to focus on while he goes through the motions?

Being privy to all of this brilliant, upstanding man's secret perversions is a privilege Sirius does not take lightly.

"You can turn it off from the app if you need to," Remus is saying, "Or you can call me and I'll switch it off. My phone's on vibrate, so I'll see it right away."

Sirius smiles to himself. "Got it," he says, though this is a rehashing of the rules that Remus had laid out when he'd brought the plug over last weekend. He'd called it a "late Christmas gift", as if he hadn't already given Sirius several thousand dollars worth of presents on Christmas morning.

There's more rustling over the line, the squeak of a chair.

"Tell me again how you're going to be good tonight."

"I'm not gonna touch myself, and I'm not gonna come." The toy is still buzzing away inside him, making everything a little fuzzy at the edges.

"Tell me why."

"'Cause daddy's in charge, even when he's not here."

"Good boy."

Sirius squirms with pleasure, his cock smearing a little drop of fluid on his belly as the toy hums insistently at his prostate.

"I have to head out," Remus says. "How do you feel?"

"Good," Sirius says, his abs tensing as he shifts his legs and the angle of the toy changes. "Excited."

"Me too," Remus says softly. "I'll talk to you soon, beautiful. Send me some pictures." With a low beep, the call disconnects.

#and i disappear into the night once again #turned off anon asks for the time being #sorry i love you guys i'm just awkward

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adventuringblind · 1 year

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Two Things to Celebrate

Oscar Piastri x Reader

Genre: fluffyyyyyyy

Summary: Reader gets sick during the race weekend. When she comes to congratulate Oscar on his race the next day, he finds out there is more to celebrate than just a good result.

Warnings: talks of sickness and pregnancy. Mentions of sex. Not proofread... *Snape impression* obviously.

Request: Yes, I'm here for it, I didn't know I needed this in my life until now. Also, requests are open. Specifically for Max, Charles, Lando, Oscar, and possibly Danny Ricc.

Notes: written in second. This is out of my comfort zone.... much better at writing angsty things me thinks XD

Comments, likes, and reblogs are always appreciated!

Masterlist

Oscar is the gentleman that everyone expects him to be. He opens the door for you. Buys you flowers on random occasions. He had pratically given you the role of passenger princess (not that you protested).

You, on the other hand, got the privilege of knowing that he is not always a gentleman. The side of Oscar that was only for those close to him.

He doesn't like showing his more vulnerable emotions to everyone. Lando, who had recently gotten close to Oscar, was shocked when he started yelling in frustration.

You knew there needed to be some reprive for him. The season had started off terribly. Often leaving Oscar in shambles after races.

He'd be calm for that camera. Always trying to find the positives of the weekend. Then found himself breaking down at home.

You hated seeing him like that.

Depending on the mood, you would simply listen and run your fingers through his hair. Other times, you distracted him with a nice meal and a movie of some sort.

When he was angry, though, you found yourself letting him use your body for reprieve. Letting out his pent up frustration and adrenaline from frustrating weekends became part of the routine during the season. Sometimes getting so frustrated with his results that you let him have his way with you for hours.

You two didn't think much of it. The sex was great, and the aftercare care even better. The thought of a second form of contraception not crossing either of your minds. You were on the pill and thought it would be enough.

That's probably the reason you got yourself here.

You were in Silverstone with Oscar. Both of you keep your fingers crossed that the car upgrades work as well for him as they did for Lando. It was killing you waiting for Q3 to start.

Maybe it was anxiety for Oscar, but you hadn’t been feeling the best for a few weeks now. You’d assumed it was just because of everything going on. Today seemed to worse then any other. The nausea becoming increasingly overwhelming.

Drinking water was only helping the pain so much. You needed it though. You are determined to watch Oscar finish. It was his first time getting into Q3 and you wanted to be ready and cheering with him when he came back. Whether he was tenth or not didn’t matter, he’s driving brilliantly which is always something to be excited about.

Then the feeling caught up to you. Quickly having to excuse yourself and find the nearest restroom. Only to to feel the water you had been drinking burning up your throat.

The feeling didn’t stop either. Your body deciding to continue ridding itself of whatever was in your stomach. Meaning that you spent the rest of Q3 locked in the restroom. Forced to watch from your phone.

You burst into tears when Oscar qualified third. Sobbing like a maniac over how proud of him you are. The suddenness of it making you keel over again.

Oscar got back to the garage as fast as possible. He couldn’t wait to find you thank you for having so match faith in him. Maybe he would take for a nice dinner to celebrate.

When he got there, however, you were nowhere to be seen. He knows you wouldn’t just leave without saying something, but where would you have gone?

He finally started asking anyone who would have been with in the garage with you. Eventually getting his answer.

He approached the bathroom door and knocked gently.

“Are you alright, love” Oscar wasn’t sure what had happened so he tried to keep his voice calm.

“It’s not locked I don’t thing.” He heard you rasp from the other side. Immediately he tried the handle to find that it is indeed not locked. He pushes the door open revealing your body barely able to hold itself up agains the wall. You were trying to stand on shaky legs but smiling excitedly and him nonetheless less.

You were grateful when Oscar came to help up upright. “I’m so proud of you.” You sobbed.

Oscars mix of emotions overwhelmed him. He had questions and concern for your well being but was smiling and embracing with joy.

Finally coming down from the high, he is able to address the current situation. His eyes scanned over you body and face. Particularly noting how your eyes are puffy and your cheeks shiny from tears. “Are you ok.” He finally managed to get out.

“Yes, I’m just not feeling the greatest. I think I might of picked something up.” Your throat still hurt from dry heaving leaving your voice broken.

Oscar move you to the side of him so he could help you walk out. “Lets get you home then.”

“But don’t you want to celebrate?”

“We can do that at home, in bed with tea to help you get well.”

Oscar bid farewell to the team. Telling Zak that it was urgent he get you home.

Being the gentleman he is, Oscar got you changed and into bed. He then decided soft foods were necessary incase you got sick again.

“Aren’t you worried you’ll get sick also?” You ask.

Oscar just smiles and crawls into bed with you. “And give up a cozy movie night? Never.”

You wonder for a moment how you got so lucky. Almost crying again at the thought. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to celebrate with you.”

Oscar whips his head around to look at you. An exaggerated look of shock plastered on his face. “Don’t you dare apologize for getting sick because you know it’s out of your control.” He pulls you into him and threads his fingers through your hair. “I do think you should go to the doctors in the morning though.” He admits.

Night came and went to quickly. Hating that you and Oscar had to say goodbye and go your separate ways. You’d taken his advice and decided to see a doctor just in case it was something more serious since you’d not been feeling well for a long while now.

A month ago you’d contracted an infection and had to be put on antibiotics. It was miserable but you thought you were on the mend. Seems you were mistaken.

The waiting was killing you. It had taken so long that you had to call Oscar to wish him luck then watching the race from your phone. It hurt you because you have a feeling it’s going to go amazing for him.

Finally after some tests, the doctor came in with the results.

“Congratulations,” she smiled. “You’re pregnant!”

Your fall falls open in shock. How did this happen? We’re you ready for this? You and Oscar had mentioned kids in the future but would he be ok with now? Your mind reels with emotion. Tears again in the verge of spilling. “How?” Was the only question you managed to get out.

“Well birth control doesn’t always work, and you had an infection recently correct?” She asks. You nod your head in response, slightly confused at the correlation. “Antibiotics negate the effects of birth control.” She explains.

Realization settles into your stomach. How could you not have know that? You mentally smack yourself for being stupid.

You thank the doctor and quickly get into your car. There is still time before the race ends and you’re determined to be there.

The drive goes by in a blur, listening to the race going as you drove. Getting slightly frustrated with the unlucky safety car but happy that Oscar was still up in fourth.

You finally got parked and practically sprinted to the McLaren garage. Just in time for the last few minutes. Everyone cheering wildly at the boys placing second and fourth.

When Oscar was finally able to get back to the garage after doing some interviews, he was not expecting to have you jumping into his arms.

He spins you in the air as you two embrace each other. “I’m so proud of you.” You smile at him. He only hugs you tighter and mumbles like ‘thank you’s into your skin.

When he sets you down, he looks relived. “Good news from the doctor then?” His eyebrows lift in curiosity.

“More like interesting news.” You immediately find that it’s much harder to tell him then you thought. Playing with the sleeves on your shirt instead of looking at him.

Oscar is immediately filled with concern again at your sudden change of emotion. “Whatever it is love, we’ll get through it.” He cradles you face in his hands. Gently coaxing you into communicating with him.

You inhale deeply, steeling yourself for whatever reaction he might have. “I’m pregnant.”

You find his eyes and search for any sign of anger or disappointment. Only to be met with an ear to ear grin. “I’m gonna be a dad?!”

Oscar picks you up and spins you again. “I guess we have more then one thing to celebrate tonight!” He shouts. The rest of the garage now staring at the two lovebirds. “I have to tell Lando. He’s going to be thrilled.”

You giggle at the relationship between the two boys. They’d gotten so close through all the struggles this season. Thankfully it didn’t take you long to find him. Not like it was that hard considering he is wearing neon yellow.

Oscar almost tackles him into a hug. Lando laughing at him, not having see this side of the Australian yet. “What’s going on with you.” He laughs. “The adrenaline getting to your head?”

Oscar makes a quick recovery and catches his breath. “I have to tell you something.” His smile so large it might come off his face. “We’re expecting.”

Lando stares between you two for a moment. Processing what he just heard. Before finally he shouts in happiness for you. “Oh my gosh this is amazing!” He smiles and throws his hand up. “I call being the godfather. I called it first so you can’t say no.”

You laugh at his antics. Both boys now coming back to you with cheery words.

As you and Oscar went home that night, you realize just how much you love each other. It might not have been what either of you planned, but neither of you would have it any other way.

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nekrosdolly · 10 months

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chemtrails over the research facility (18+).

sry for spam posting! butttt i wrote this over thanksgiving and i realized it would be perfect to post here! the wesker brainrot is real. also this is one of my first times writing sex stuff so pointers + criticisms are always welcome! (also this has punctuation and proper capitalisation wowww!! go kori)

cw; dubcon due to non-verbal consent, boss/employee relationships, obsessed/possessive wesker, delusional wesker kinda, eventual smut (p in v), afab reader, unsafe sex, breeding kink, minor stalking, creep wesker.

petnames (reader received); dearest

Aesthetically, you're the perfect match. His skin next to yours- ethereal. Utterly divine. But it seems that, between the two of you, only he notices.

He's the head researcher. He should have your attention, but unfortunately, you're a good worker. You're diligent and focused- no time for being distracted by him, even if he is your boss. In fact, you're not distracted by anyone. Countless attempts at small talk he's made and yet you, you brilliant thing, don't even care.

"How is your research going?" He'll ask when he sees you in the break room. He always keeps his distance professional, lest there be an HR report to be filed later.

You always reply, simply out of politeness. You look at him, those hypnotic eyes of yours and the intoxicating smell of your skin and the pheromones lying beneath it.

"Fine," you'd say, or maybe a "wonderfully, Dr. Wesker," if you're feeling exceptionally affectionate. Hearing your voice- like silk on his ears- is enough to make him rock hard. His slacks tighten by a few degrees and he's thankful his labcoat is buttoned to cover himself.

That, of course, is the end of your conversations, but never the end of his obsessive thoughts. When he goes home to his apartment, sleek and well-decorated given the money he gets from Umbrella, he makes haste towards his bedroom. He doesn't waste time with foreplay for himself- doesn't need to as he's still hard from earlier- before getting himself off rather hastily.

In retrospect, if you were here, he would take his time with you. He'd learn ever nook and cranny to make you gasp, whine, and moan his name over and over until it's engraved on your tongue and in his brain. He'd fuck you slowly, pushing the head of his cock past the ring of your entrance and watch your face when the rest of him slips in.

It's easy because you let it be easy- your legs spread wide so he can watch himself go in and out. His nerves would be aflame, his heart racing, and yet you'd always bring him back. You'd coo his name and tug him down by his hair to kiss you. Cool the flames burning beneath his skin, even as he draws closer.

"Finish inside me." You'd whisper against his lips, your nails digging into his back. Blood dribbles to the surface of the fresh wounds and the gentle pain tips him over the edge. He cums harder than he ever has and it's all for you.

You'd murmur praise in his ear, how good it feels to be filled with his cum. How you hope it sticks. He hopes so, too.

After all, you two would make the ideal child. The ideal specimen - the perfect race.

When he's brought back to reality- unsatisfying and too harsh to really enjoy most days- he's partially disgusted with himself. He's never felt like this towards anyone except his ex-wife, and even then it wasn't to this degree.

Not to mention that this little breeding fantasy of his is the most tame one he's ever had. It surprises him at times, too, when they pop up in his head and the... darkness of it all.

He's your boss. He could, hypothetically, ruin your career for turning him down. Maybe he never would in all actuality, but it is nice to imagine. He thinks about your lips around him, tears running down your face from him purposefully choking you a few times.

He cleans himself up and changes into his pajamas for the night. He skips the shower only because he'll probably spend half of it thinking of you again, and let's face it, he'd be up for much longer trying to track down your location if that happened. Brainless and horny, he would be, not realizing how easy it would be to find your location in Umbrella's file archives.

When he's at work the next day, all he does is stare at you behind those useless sunglasses he wears. You walk into the room and you have his undying attention. He's lucky he's so in control of his body. His face would be a tomato otherwise.

It is when you look at him, when your eyes find his behind his sunglasses and he forgets how to breathe for a moment. When you invade his personal space for just a moment and give him a half-smile and say "Hi, Dr. Wesker. It's nice to see you today."

If only you knew what he would do in a room with just you in it.

In his typical fashion, he nods at you and greets you in return. For a split second he swears there's color on those cheeks but you're gone before he can look again, and asking you to look at him would raise suspicions. Besides, you don't need him distracting you.

He does anyway, forgoing his better instincts for this one ounce of primality within him.

He approaches you when you're packing up. It's the end of your shift here and you look tired, like you need someone to lean on- Stress relief, in the most innocent way. He doesn't touch you yet, but he does ask you to come to his office.

You do. He's your boss, someone who you look up to whether or not you show it. And honestly, it's not like his presence is unwelcome. Or yours.

He closes the door behind you and locks it. Now that concerns you.

"Dr. Wesker?" You look up at him, those pretty eyes conveying so much fear that he aches to soothe.

"Don't worry, dearest." He cups your jaw and smoothes his thumb over your cheek, relishing the feeling of your soft skin. Were you a specimen, he'd never dissect you. He'd preserve you and take you home, put you on a shelf, and stare for hours at you. Not unlike what he does now.

You are only slightly soothed by this before you're creeped out. This feels unlike something the Dr. Wesker you know would do. Of course, he's handsome. Conventionally attractive. You never paid attention to him like that, but now, it doesn't feel like there's much of a choice.

He hums at your compliance, watching as you melt into his hand and wrap your own hand around his oddly muscled forearm. For a scientist, he's... fit? His thumb trails over your lips and his senses light on fire at the softness of them.

You kiss the pad of his thumb and his reaction is one you won't soon forget- his face flushed bright pink at the action, one that indicates how long he's wanted this. You treasure it, despite the circumstances.

His other hand finds your waist and pulls you closer, his head ducking down to kiss you softly.

"Innocent" stress relief. That's what this was supposed to be.

His hands are surprisingly soft when he handles you. He never yanks or pulls, which is nice in comparison to your previous partners. He caresses your breasts through your shirt and revels in the way your breathing becomes shaky, a shudder running down your spine. He can smell the arousal poisoning the air and it's not long before he walks you back against his desk, lifting you by the hips to place you on it like you're some doll.

You feel like one. He treats you like a prize to be had. He unbuttons your shirt just enough to reveal your bra and even though he wants you fully naked, he knows it's a bad idea- less easy to cover up should someone walk in. He bites his bottom lip, cups your breasts through the thin lace bralette, and thumbs over your nipples as he listens for your reaction. He decides that it's his favorite noise, your gentle moan caused by him of all people.

He continues. He rolls them between his thumb and index finger, his breathing growing heavy and his cock stiff. It would be his main focus if you weren't right there, your lips parted, brows knitted and eyes locked on his hands.

"Dr. Wesker-" You lean into his hands, your legs parting in what he takes as a welcoming action.

"Albert, dearest. Call me Albert, please." His eyes flick up to yours, the tips of his ears red as is the rest of him.

"Albert- God, I-I love your hands..." You sigh quietly, your voice heavenly. If he wasn't already fully hard, he would be.

One of his hands, the dextrous and pale things, pushes your skirt up past your underwear so it rests bunched up around your waist and out of the way. The sodden spot of wetness on the middle of your underwear garners his attention without really trying and his oddly cold finger comes to trail across it. He's barely touching you, sure, but it sends a wave of fire through him to know you're wet because of him, not someone else.

He looks at your panties like he wants to eat you alive. Part of him does. But he's on a mission, albeit a very unhealthy and twisted one, so he doesn't bother. Rather, he presses the pad of his thumb to your clit through your panties and rubs in tight, small circles.

It's ethereal, the way you seem to relax under his touch once he starts playing with your clit. You grow a tad louder, keeping in your hazy mind that you're in an office space still, and your boss is salivating over your cunt. You buck your hips with low effort and whine, betraying what you really want- his dick inside you.

He gets the memo, and yet, he takes his time rubbing that drool-worthy spot on your pretty pussy. He's doing this on purpose. He wants you to be totally, utterly dumb on his cock and this is one of the easier ways to go about it. He plants a few gentle kisses along your collarbone, muttering soft praises into your skin like a prayer he hopes you'll hear.

You do. Every word from his lips causes your insides to flutter, your entrance to clench around nothing. Pulsating in desire. It would be enough to get you on your knees in any other circumstance, yet you get the feeling he doesn't want that.

He tells you how pretty you are. Murmurs how gorgeous you look all the time, how long he's been wanting this, and how you're going to look stuffed with his cock. You shudder as an orgasm rolls through you, your legs shaking and hips spasming in a desperate attempt to chase the fleeting feeling of ecstasy.

He doesn't wait any longer. His hands leave your form and unbutton his slacks, shoving them halfway down his thighs. Like the rest of him, his dick is alabaster. Pale with cool undertones you don't care enough about to analyze further. You're too distracted with the fact that you're about to get fucked presumably within an inch of your life. You push the center of your panties aside.

While that is mostly true, he could never be rough with you. He takes your hips and guides his leaking cock to your entrance. He looks up at you once for permission, and when you nod, he plunges in.

So maybe he allowed himself to be rough with you for just that one moment. He stills, allowing you ample time to adjust before you're telling him that it's okay for him to move, that you can take it. His blood roars in his ears.

He's never been so ecstatic. Your velvetine walls around his cock, the way you moan his name as he starts to thrust rather shallowly, gently- it's all-encompassing. He's careful- cautious not to hurt you or bruise you, let alone leave any evidence behind that this happened. Except, his fingertips dig into your hips with a vice grip, a tell you're sure he's unaware of. The subtle grunts of pleasure leaking from his lips, your own moans flooding the silence.

When he grows more bold that he won't hurt you, he thrusts into you a little harder and infinitely deeper than before- he wants you to miss this. He wants to mold your pussy to only ever fit his cock, to ensure that anyone else is unsatisfactory. He wants to come home and have you there, ready and willing whenever he likes. Of course, that last part is unrealistic. He would never treat you with such disrespect.

You're more sensitive now, one orgasm deep and an impressively thick dick bringing you ever closer to another impending orgasm. He's trying so hard to not lose his composure and you do appreciate that. He's strong, even if he doesn't show it, and that fact does scare you to some degree. His blonde brows are knitted together, his pale pink lips parted and his breathing is oh-so heavy. He's staring down at the point where your entrance meets his dick, only encouraging him to fill you up with his cum.

You want him to.

"Albert," you reach a hand up to tangle in his perfectly slicked back blonde hair, "you can cum inside me, you know. I-I don't mind."

He nods, hardly able to speak other than grunt and groan his pleasure. And then he angles his hips a certain way, causing his dick to rub against that spongy spot inside you that makes your vision blur with pleasure, and you nearly cry.

He knows what that did. He can tell just by the look on your face, the same one he's imagined for about a year or so.

"Do that again," you murmur, bringing his face close to yours and pressing your forehead to his. "Please."

He does. All he's ever wanted was to make you feel good and now he's got the chance to. He hits that same spot repeatedly, just hoping you'll moan his name when you cum. His thrusts become somewhat sloppy, though he's still pleasing you, mostly because he's getting close. Your cunt clenches around him, inviting him to keep thrusting until he's braindead and primal.

"I'm close, dearest." He says through more desperate moans, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. Not seconds after, you feel hot sticky fluid filling you and it's enough to push you over the edge again, your cunt pulsing around him as you moan his name.

When all is said and done, he pulls out and kneels before you to watch his cum drip out and pool on the edge of his desk.

"Tsk. I'm afraid we can't let this go to waste." He gathers the spilled seed from his desk on his fingers and pushes it back inside you, deeper this time to ensure it really stays.

You squirm a little and whimper. You hadn't expected him to do that, but you also never considered yourself to be on his radar.

"Um. Right. Well, I'm going to go." You return to that cold, closed off demeanor from earlier. The one he hates. But he understands and gets to his feet again, allowing you ample room to fix your clothing.

The smarter man in him is proud he never left a bruise on you. The lesser, more inhumane part curses him for not fucking you in the break room for anyone to see.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Dr. Wesker." You give him a half-smile as you unlock his office door and make your exit. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs quietly. He stuffs himself into his pants again and zips up his fly before gathering his things and heading out.

He follows you home. Tails you, rather, so he knows you're safe. Definitely not so he can write your address down and come in when you're not home. Not so he can steal a pair of your panties to cherish. Absolutely not.

Albert Wesker is more dignified than that. Or, that's what he tells himself when he goes home, your panties tucked in his pocket.

#albert wesker x reader #albert wesker i love youuuu #albert wesker smut #stalker albert wesker #resident evil fanfiction #resident evil #writing #bunny's fics ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚#bunnystalker ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡

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wonderlandwalker · 9 months

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Gentoo Penguins | James Potter x Reader

Marauders Masterlist / Taglist / Inbox

Summary: At the anniversary of a bad memory of yours, James can't quite figure out yet why you're avoiding him. But he doesn't give up easily.

Content Warnings/Tags: Angsty with a fluff ending (like everything I write), reader is Sirius' sister but it's not very obvious, crying, mentions of nudity, stubborn James, no use of y/n

Word Count: 1.9k

A/N: This one I had been working on for the past few days but finally found the right mindset to finish it! Send me a request if you think of something I can write <3

It was Friday, and you hadn’t seen each other the whole week. This was caused by him having classes all week at the other side of the castle, and you just starting a new course because of which you barely had any free time.

He waited outside the classroom for your class to end. When you finally stepped out, he wouldn’t have recognized you if it wasn’t for the fact that he had your face memorized to the smallest detail by now. You looked like you had barely slept the entire week. You also looked like she had been dragged through the gardens in the courtyard.

“What the bloody hell happened to you, eh?” He asked you, and you turned your head after hearing his voice.

“Nice to see you too.” You sarcastically muttered back to him.

“Alright, I’m sorry okay? How’s your week been?” He sais, while catching up with you walking down the corridor.

“Been better, what are you doing here James?” You asked, still not looking at him.

This caught him off guard a little, not expecting you to question spending time together.

“Catching up with you, love, thought we could go do something together” He said back, while shrugging his shoulders a little. Maybe you really weren’t in the mood to spend time with him, or anyone for that matter. You turned your head towards him, and he could almost see the tension dripping from your face, your muscles strained but your eyes weak.

“I’m sorry James, but I’m really not in the mood for anything” You told him, your voice sounding choked up.

“Well, then let’s just do nothing?” He suggested. You clearly didn’t wanna argue, and instead continued walking towards your dorm, so he followed you.

You reached your dorm and walked inside, leaving the door open for him to follow after, at least that was a good sign, he thought. Lily was there too, along with Marlene.

“I’m gonna take a shower” you muttered, walking into the bathroom.

Once you were inside, he walked over to Lily, thinking she might know what was going on.

“What’s up with her?” he asked.

She looked at him like he was growing a second head and simply called him an idiot, not telling him anything else before walking out of the room, probably on her way to the library. He looked over at Marlene, and she just rolled her eyes at him shortly, before going back to the book she was reading. So he decided to take a seat on your bed until you came back.

Not long after, you walked out of the bathroom, wearing a towel around your body and drying your hair with another one. You walked over to your wardrobe and picked something to wear. He was still watching you when you dropped the towel to get dressed. At the sudden reveal of your figure, James quickly realized he should look away, so he looked over to Marlene, who looked amused at the blush that was crawling up him. You finished getting dressed and walked over to the door, walking out while calling after yourself:

“Are you coming or not?”

Your change in demeanor startled him a little, but he quickly followed you.

“I thought we could go feed the plimpys by the lake.” He suggested once he caught up, but you didn’t seem appealed by the answer.

“I know, let’s go to the astronomy tower, it will be good, come on.” He said, tugging you forward a little.

You reached the top and settled down next to him, your knees pulled up to your chest, arms hugging your legs and your head resting on his shoulder.

He had always loved it when you played and fooled around, but he loved these moments most of all. When it was just the two of you, and you seemed so in your element when you leaned against him. The smell of your citrus shampoo lingering in the air.

You were staring at the sky and he swore, he could have looked at you forever if you let him. But after a while, he looked up to the sky with you, and let his own head lean on top of yours.

He remembered all the other times you had come up here. It was usually at the end of each year, the both of you relaxing at the thought of a warm summer to come. Sometimes you would come up here when one of you was stressing out too much, and the other lugged them along. You would be up here for hours, it usually already being deep in the night when you went back down. When he was stressed out, and you dragged him up here, he would get lost in your eyes, the way the moonlight reflected in them, it always calmed him down, and he would always be so grateful.

It wasn't until he heard you sniffle softly, your body starting to shake lightly, that he tore himself from his thought. He looked over at you, and you had closed your eyes. He tilted your chin up towards him and you opened your eyes, still avoiding his gaze. Your eyes looked glossy and dull, and it bothered him that he didn't know the reason you were crying, that he didn't know how to help.

“Hey, darling, look at me. Please.”

You finally looked at him but it broke his heart a little. Both rage and calmness came over him at the same time. He wanted to punch whatever had caused her this sadness, but he also wanted to comfort you, make you feel better and make you forget the reason you were even sad to begin with.

You parted your lips to start talking, but nothing came out. Wanting to give you the time you needed, he gently let your head fall back on his shoulder and took your hand in his, placing soft kisses against it in an attempt to calm you down.

After a few minutes, you started talking.

“It’s been exactly a year now.” was all you said, before closing your eyes again. And when he thought back, he started to remember the moment you were talking about. Last April, you had made plans one weekend to go to Hogsmeade, and when he went to pick you up from your dorm, he had already heard the cries before the door was even open. He knocked on it and heard Marlene telling him to go away, I knocked again and told her it was me, hoping she’d let me in so I could see what was wrong. Marlene probably knew it was a hopeless cause to get him to leave, so she told him to come in.

You were lying with your head on Marlene’s lap, crying your eyes out while she was stroking your hair. He had no idea what to do, he had never seen you this upset before. He tried to comfort you, but you didn't react to him. After a little bickering, Marlene convinced him to go away, that she could handle it, and that you didn't want to talk to anyone anyway.

After that night you had avoided him for almost a month, and when he finally managed to see you again, it seemed like part of you was still broken. He tried to ask her a few times what was wrong, but each time he did your eyes teared up and you simply told him you didn't want to talk about it. he tried asking Marlene too, but she kept telling him you would tell him when you were ready. He stopped asking after a while, not liking the way your usual smile broke down when he brought it up.

“It was right in the middle of the great hall, everyone was looking at me. I thought they would at least have had the grace to send me a normal letter, not a howler.” You started to choke up as you were talking, and it took all of his willpower to let you continue, having the urge to pull you into him and console you. But he let you continue.

“They disowned me right in front of the whole school, everyone heard it happen, it was so horrible.” You told me while you started to cry, clinging to him more and more. “It’s not like I was ever close to them, but it still hurt.”

He remembers when you told him childhood stories from your time in the Black household. It left you with trauma, but it was still family. You would recollect the small victories and tell him about them each time. And each time he would cheer for you, be happy for you, even though he was dying to make you see you deserved so much more.

“Sirius was still there of course, but I couldn't talk to Regulus anymore, he avoided me for so long. I think he was just scared as well, but it still hurt.” It was quiet for a while, but he could feel that you weren't done talking, so he waited for you to continue.

“The last time I had talked to him we got into an argument. He was upset that I was spending so much time with Sirius and with you guys, he said it would only lead to trouble. I guess he was right.”

“Hey, look at me, yeah?” James couldn't take it anymore.

“Do you remember when my mum got a bad case of dragon pox? I didn't want to talk to anyone, I shut everyone out, but you helped me through it.” He can see your eyes again through all the tears, and it prompts him to continue. “You brought me slushies in the middle of the night when I refused to leave the dorm, Merlin only knows where you even got them. You made me laugh when your tongue turned blue, it had been the first time I laughed all week.” You’re smiling now as well, and he swears his grin is gonna make his cheeks hurt.

“You were there for me, even when I told you I wanted to be alone, you saw right through me. And I will be there for you, I will always be here for you, whenever or wherever you need me.” Your tears have stopped now and there is a sense of bliss that covers you. So James continues

“Do you remember, a couple of years ago, you got this obsession with penguins? You told me all about them. You told me about when they were first discovered, and the scientists named them ‘strange geese’. You told me a group of penguins is called a raft. You told me this one extinct species would grow up to 1,5 meters tall, now that one I didn't believe at first. But the one I remember most is the Gentoo penguin. You told me about how they are one of the few penguin species that mate for life, even when they lose each other for a while, they always find their way back in the moments that matter.”

He tilted your chin up to meet his gaze while he spoke. “Be my Gentoo penguin.”

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lawva-girl · 4 months

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“Sunny Days” Zoro x reader

No mention of gender!!! (Besides zoro)

Warnings: Fluff, beer?, yearning written by someone who doesn't Actually write.....

No one asked for this.... im just a freak about one piece :D

<~~~~~~~>

You walked out of the kitchen on the sunny, a drink in each hand. When you were in there, using your most charming voice, you asked Sanji for a beer and your typical fruit cup. It worked partially because Sanji knew the beer was for Zoro and also your funny attempt to seduce him. Pretty much everyone on the sunny had a crush on Zoro.

After the door swung shut, you continued your way over too the mast. You saw Zoro there in the shade and walked a little bit faster.

“Hey! Moss head, I got you something!” You approached him with a huge smile, setting the beer next to him and promptly sitting aside him.

He opened his eye, glanced down, then took the beer and immediately started drinking. “Thanks.”

You stared out at the sky, overly aware of your actions, before glancing over to him and replying a hushed “no problem”.

“It’s so hot today, I don’t know how anyone is working… Franky said he’s making me a training robot.” He huffed out a laugh from his chest, “the dummy looks like Sanji.”

“At least you’ll be able to go all out? Just don’t let Sanji find out!” You laughed a little harder than Zoro had, mainly at the thought of Sanji and Zoros typical fighting.

Zoro took a drawn out chug of his beer, you started working at your fruit salad. Both of you looked out to the sky, and a sudden breeze blew by.

"I'm really happy I'm a pirate on days like these. Just sitting and relaxing... marines are too uptight to do this." You kept eating, forcing the words to jumble a bit.

Zoro thankfully understood your sentiment, "we could sleep right here right now. Thats one of the main reasons I joined Luffy."

"Really?" "No," he had a slightly devil like smile, "he told me I was already on his crew, he held my swords hostage." "Liar, You have some secret reason you are scared of admitting." You huffed, returning to your fruit after a momentary pause.

"Whatever, I'm gonna take a nap in the sun." He finished the last of his beer, and quickly walked to the railing of the sunny.

You watched as he sat down, resting his head and back against the wooden railing. You knew it was in no way comfortable for him, so you stood. You were intending to offer him a pillow or something you could grab from inside.

"Hey that doesn't seem very comfortable." Zoro opened his eye and simply grunted at you.

"I can grab you something? If you want." You felt like you were twiddling your thumbs.

"Sure."

You returned to Zoro just staring at the sky. He had waited for you.

"here lean forward," Zoro obliged and you slid the cushion behind his head, "okay how does that feel?" "Good."

It was like talking to a wall.

"Okay... do you mind if I join you?"

Zoro looked at you, then jolted his head, motioning for you to join.

It wasn't the most abnormal thing, most of the crew cuddled at random times. That was just the nature of being on the sunny. Everyone held affection for each other. You told yourself this as you joined Zoros side on the deck. You laid your head on his legs, curling up into a 'c' shape next to him.

Not expecting him to feel, due to his pants, you started tracing shapes into his leg. You traced stars, thinking of how clear the shapes in the sky were at night. Then you did his swords, thinking about how they would glint in the sun when he trained. You were pulled out of your thoughts when you felt his hand in your hair. Mainly his fingertips, they were… rubbing your scalp, at least that's what it felt like. Not scratching or really focusing on your hair, but more like he wanted to feel your skull.

The two of you rested there, who knows how long. But it had been precisely 8 minutes until you fell asleep. The combination of Zoro’s hand on your head, the breeze, the sunny rocking, and the sound of waves crashing against the sunny lulled you into a nap. Most likely the best nap you had had since you joined the strawhats.

When you awoke, Zoro was asleep. Snoring against the pillow you had brought and placed for him. You readjusted yourself so that you were flat on your back, still resting on his thigh. You looked up at him. Feeling a sense of calm rush over you, you lifted his hand and placed it on your face. Not really knowing why, but it had brought you even more comfort. You placed a gentle kiss onto his warm, rough palms, and fell asleep again. This time it took only 3 minutes. You couldn’t help it, you felt so warm with the sun and Zoro next to you.

The next time you woke, there was no peace. Ussop and Nami were gossiping, Zoro and Sanji fighting (with you and Zoro still in the same position as before), Luffy and Franky were drinking milk, and you could only imagine what the rest of Luffy’s beloved crew was doing.

#me when i yearn to be loved by a family #one piece x reader #zoro x reader #zoro/reader #zoro roronoa x reader #roronora zoro x reader #fluff #i just really wish i had someone to lay on in the sun #also i tried my best with zoro's character #i feel in my soul hes a silly guy #unless he wants to nap #ALERT runon sentences

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avelera · 6 months

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Avelera's Dreamling Fic Status Update:

Keeping Sanctuary (subscribe for updates here) - Giving Sanctuary Sequel follows Dream and Hob from the events of the altered meeting in 1689 up to the modern era. (aka, What if they hooked up after the 1689 meeting?) Current word count: ~7,000 words across several chapters. Realistic progress update: 1/10 complete total, Ch. 1 is about 1/5 complete.

(The rest are below the cut!)

Come live with me and be my love - Dream and Hob fall in love during the Regency Era when Dream loses a bet to Desire. Shenanigans ensue. (aka, What if they hooked up after the 1789 meeting?) Ch. 16 is at 2,500 words, probably about 1/3 done. Current plan is to wrap up Part 1 in the next few chapters then create a part 2 which finishes out their "1 year of marriage" on a month by month basis instead of following them day to day like Part 1 done. Probably won't be a separate fic though, just a change of format.

This Rough Magic - My take on "Hob rescues Dream from Burgess" with a twist that Hob ends up on Burgess's radar himself when he picked up some occult magic skills in the hopes of contacting Dream after 1889 and apologizing. Now he has to pretend to be friends with Burgess in order to get them both out of there, because Burgess thinks Hob can help force Dream to give him immortality. (aka, What if they hooked up after the 1889 meeting?) Ch. 9 is about 800 words in. Story is still very much in progress I just have a lot of WIPs, as you can see.

Joke's On You (I'm Into That) - The 1589 meeting goes very different when Hob proposes to Dream, who is so offended that he just can't let the matter go. A very angry, very horny competition kicks off between them. (Aka, what if they hooked up in 1589 when they were both at their absolute worst as people?) I have literally 40,000 words written for the rest of this fic. The problem is, there's big gaps in that first draft I have to fill in and scenes that need to be added. This might be my favorite WIP but it's also the hardest to write with all the smut scenes so it'll arrive whenever I can manage, I'm afraid.

Banana Daiquiris Ch. 2 - Comic-canon compliant (mostly) - Dream fakes his death to go on a vacation with Hob and Destruction. They end up in Tahiti. Destruction plays matchmaker. Hob doesn't know whether to thank Destruction or strangle him. Current word count 6,000 words. I've been playing around with adding on to this fic for ages. One of these days, I'll pull it all together.

Great Triumphs and Tragedies - aka, "Dream Accidentally Cursed Hob with a Normal Life" Fic - Dream learns that from 1689 on, Hob's life has been safe. Too safe. Improbably safe. Nothing bad or extraordinary or even terribly special has happened to him since Dream began to consider Hob his friend. He knows this because during his imprisonment, Hob's life became exciting again and suddenly went back to normal the day Dream was freed. Hob is not convinced that Dream is the reason for this, Dream disagrees. They talk about it. And fight about it. And some things that they've probably needed to talk about for a long time finally get said. (aka, sometimes the author just needs to write their weird headcanon into a 20,000 word fic that's almost entirely dialogue). Current word count: 19,000 words and about 80-90% finished, 3 of 4 chapters written. I'm hoping that posting what I've got will help push me through the final stretch. Real life interrupted for a bit though.

And for fics that haven't been posted anywhere yet (you can subscribe on my Ao3 author page for alerts about them):

Hob Amesia Fic - Dream and Hob are dating officially now in the 21st century when Hob gets hit with what seems to be a memory loss curse, shaving off 100 years of his life each day until Dream finds a cure. This effectively grants Dream a walk down memory lane as he is reacquainted with the Hob of each era and, in the process, learns how much longer Hob cared for him than Dream ever realized. Current word count: 40,000 words. Currently writing 1489 (1889-1589 are done) and re-writing the opening. It genuinely kills me not to have this one posted lol.

"Fairy God Marlowe" - 1589 fixit fic where Hob and Kit Marlowe strike up a conversation while Dream and Shaxberd are talking. Hob and Marlowe talk about plays, and faith, and salvation, and queer love, and what it means to live forever. Hob gets a second chance at a first impression. Current word count: ~5,000 words. Sadly, it's all dialogue in script format. I'd need to convert it into prose to publish which would be a slog. So it's a bit shelved until I find the energy to do so. No, I will not post it in script format, I'm allergic to the thought.

I've got a few other concepts kicking around, but these are the ones that actually have (*does a quick calculation*) over 100,000 words written that I haven't had the chance to post yet?? And it's driving me insane????

Anyway, I should probably pin this post for those curious lol. Feel free to ask me any follow-up questions, I love talking about WIPs even as they ruin my life!

#dreamling #maggie's writing progress #dreamling fic update #1689 fic #1589 fic #arranged marriage au dreamling

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applejuicefruit · 2 years

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hey, could you do a, trigger warning by the way, where the reader was harassed in the street/ and or in the workplace and she comes home sad, but doesn't tell kylian anything, he tries to talk to her about what it happened, and in the end she ends up telling him and he comforts her and in the end you decide, if you can and feel comfortable, thank you. <3

thank you for requesting this one!

also tw : violence, harassment , verbal abuse , non consensual touching, don’t read if it makes you uncomfortable!!!

kylian mbappe x reader

Fairytale

You loved your work.

You really did.

You worked for a big photography company based in Paris. Always working with famous photographers coming from all over the world. Your company worked for important museums and events all over the country and that’s how you met Kylian. You and your colleagues were sponsoring the company during some football event and when he was asked to take some pictures for it he couldn’t help but be mesmerised by you. Your beauty and kindness made him fall in love with you.

You started dating a couple of weeks after your first meeting and now, two years into the relationship things were going wonderfully amazing, both for him and you.

A few things were changed inside the company, as it began to expand internationally your boss decided to hire more people so they could help with the amount of work you all had to do.

One of this people was Luis. He was kind and shy at first. He was a little bit older than you but not that much. You’ve been his mentor when he first started, he knew he could rely on you especially when there were so many things do to and he had no idea of where to start. You were always welcoming with anyone who asked for help so you didn’t mind spending more time at the office helping him out.

He tried to ask you out once but you stopped him right away, telling him you actually have a boyfriend.

He got the memo and never made any kind of requests to you, instead he asked you to forget about his failed attempt so you could be just friends - of course you agreed, in the end he was your colleague and you wanted to work with good energy.

One friday night you and Luis were staying over finishing some project that you didn’t want to finish the next day. You already texted Kylian telling him you were getting home late because of work and, even if he sounded sad he knew how much you loved your work so he couldn’t really complain, not after all the nights you spent awake waiting for him to come back from training.

“I think we’re almost done” Luis said writing something on his computer.

“Yup. I’m all done with these pictures…” you showed him and closed the computer waiting for him to be done.

“Give me a minute and I promise you that you won’t see me again until next Monday” he joked and you laughed a bit.

Once he was all done you stood up from your chair and went to grab your jacket but Luis hands stopped you.

He took your wrist and turned you to him.

“Are you okay?” you asked him, concern evident in your voice since he was acting a bit strange.

“Why don’t we stay here for a bit longer? No one’s here…” he whispered and something told you that you had to turn around and run as far as you could but his hands still on your wrist stopped you from doing so.

“Luis I think we should go home…and rest, we’re clearly very tired…” you tried to calm him down, panic surging in you.

“Perhaps…you should come home with me? What do you think?” he said taking a few steps over and putting his hands on your hips “I could show you some things that your football boyfriend doesn’t know…he doesn’t deserve you. He’s probably fucking a new girl every night when you’re not home…I could really show you some things” he said while one of his hands grabbed your butt and squeezed it a little.

“Please Luis stop…just let me go and I won’t say anything about it…” you said, tears falling from your eyes.

“Why? Why should I let you go? You know what I’m saying is the truth…in these past years he has probably cheated on you every single time you weren’t there…” he said and you tried to not let those words into you. You’ve always been insecure about your relationship, mostly because you didn’t look like any kind of models Kylian dated, and you didn’t look like any other football player’s girlfriends. You were just you with a normal job and a normal life, no one special or famous. Even now that you and Kylian were dating you wanted your life to remain private, not looking for money or fame.

But Luis knew your weak spot and he was trying to get into your head.

“It’s not true…I love Kylian…he would never do something like that” you said back and he laughed.

“Maybe…or maybe he’s fucking a model while you’re here all alone with me…” he said, his lips ghosting over your ear and it made you shiver. You were completely terrified. And alone.

“We could have some fun now…” he squeezed your ass again trying to get into your panties.

You were scared and you had no idea of what to do, but adrenaline was rushing through you so, with your knee you reached his lower parts a kicked as strong as you could. You saw him leaving his grip on you and clenching down from the pain and in that moment you ran outside the building, not even caring about your jacket or laptop. You only got your bag and your car keys and you reached for your car. Your hands were shaking and you couldn’t focus on the road but your main goal was to reach home and kylian’s comforting arms.

You were driving too fast but you didn’t care.

Once you reached home you didn’t even bother to park your car, you just left it there once the gate was opened.

Kylian was currently laid on the couch scrolling through his phone when he heard your engine stop, sign that you were arrived.

You opened the front door and Kylian swore he almost died when he saw the state you were in. Your eyes red and puffy and your face wet with tears, your body was shaking and you couldn’t breathe.

“Y/n? Babe? What happened?” he ran to you when he saw you couldn’t even stand by yourself.

You tried to speak but no word came out of your mouth.

“Princess talk to me…are you hurt? What happened…baby? Please talk to me…” he said reaching for your hands “can I touch you baby?” he asked softly and you nodded. He wrapped his arms around your body and you let your tears fall while he softly stroke your back.

“Shh…it’s okay baby” he whispered trying to soothe you “can you tell me what happened baby?”

“He…he touched me and I just-I didn’t do anything, I was paralyzed” you explained and he was fuming, someone touched you without your consent.

“Who baby?” he asked even if he knew who did it.

“Luis…he-he tried to…” you couldn’t even finish your sentence that you began crying again. Kylian got what you meant and he was so mad at Luis that he was sure he wouldn’t have his job the next day.

“It’s okay baby, it’s over now…you’re here and he can’t hurt you, you’re safe baby” he comforted you and that’s all you needed.

“Why don’t we sit on the couch for a bit? I can prepare you a cup of tea if you want to…” he suggested but you shook your head.

“No please, I just want you…” you said hugging him, holding him for dear life.

“I’m not leaving baby, I promise you” he helped you sitting on the couch while he sat next to you.

You were still pretty shocked, still trembling but your cries stopped.

“Did he hurt you?” he asked you but you said no.

“Did he…” he didn’t even want to ask you that but he had to know if anything bad happened.

“No he didn’t. I stopped him before he could do anything…he just, his hands were all over me and I felt my body completely numb, I wasn’t even reacting…” you said feeling guilty about what happened. Kylian sensed it too but he comforted you.

“Baby, it wasn’t your fault okay? None of this…he’s just a dick who can’t accept a no, it wasn’t your fault…you’re just a victim but I’m glad you’re okay…you’re safe” he kissed your forehead and held you in his arms.

“Why can’t people be nice? Sometimes I wished I was fucking Cinderella and I lived in a fairytale, why can’t that be the real world?” you asked and Kylian soften a bit.

“You’re too good for this world baby…we don’t deserve you” he said kissing your cheek, making you smile a bit.

“He’s dead…his career’s over, I promise you he will never hurt you or anyone ever again” Kylian said with a poisonous voice. You knew Kylian was pretty famous, especially in France, he was seen as a God, capable of incredible things and you also knew he had his contacts. Plus your boss was a huge PSG fan so he only needed to call him to have Luis fired.

Kylian didn’t care if he was going to ruin a man’s life. He couldn’t care less, not when that man harassed you, tried to get his way to you, touched you without your consent and scared you. Kylian was so mad he could have killed him but you needed him and his comfort and he was going to take care of you as long as you needed him.

#kylian mbappe #kylianmbappe x reader #kylian mbappe x reader #kylian mbappe imagines #kylian x reader #kylian mbappe fluff #kylian mbappe angst #kylian mbappe imagine #kylian mbappe smut #kylian mbappe one shot #kylian mbappe x you #psg #paris saint germain #equipe de france #football fan #football imagine #football drabble #football blurb #football x reader

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starsomens · 1 year

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hii 🙋🏼 Can you, please, write about Noah taking care of the sick reader with flu, cold?.. He calls her (by regular call, by video call) during work and realizes she's not well, and although she insists that she is fine (because she doesn't want to disturb his schedule, his day), he comes home by surprise to take care of her 😣♥️ i cry just imagining him appearing at the door 😩😭

Note: I’ll use a Fem! Reader here

“Noah, Y/N is calling you back!” jolly said holding up his phone while they were sampling for their next up coming album. You were currently back home and he was over with the rest of the band. He felt bad about leaving this morning since he has a hunch that you were doing too well. He called you before but you didn't answer and he figured you were sleeping.

"Y/N, sunshine, how are you?" he asks straight away

"Hey, just calling to see how things are going so far *sniff* " he could hear the rasp of your voice and how stuffed your nose was "Sorry I missed your call, I fell asleep again after you left."

"Well, we're fine but Y/N are you sick? You really don't sound good." poor Noah was worried he left you alone while you weren't 100%

"Maybe I have a stuffed nose but it's really not that bad, really you're busy with work right now I'll be just fine!" you try and play it off while being followed by a cough.

"babes you're not fine, I'm coming home"

"Noah no! You guys are working right now! Just come once you guys are done okay? I can hold out until." you try and convince him. You knew working on music and making an album took a lot of work and focus and you didn't want to take away from that

Noah being the boyfriend that he is gave in "..Can you hold on until 6?" he asks knowing that'll be about the time they may finish

"You know I can, I promise moonlight" ugh and you used his nickname. You really knew the way to his heart

"Call me. For whatever okay? Please sunshine"

"I will, say hi to the boys for me. Love you"

"Love you too, I'll be home soon okay?" and with that he hung up

>>>>>>>>>>>

It was about 3 in the afternoon when you had finally gotten out of bed. You were pretty sure it was the flu. You head was pounding, you were exhausted, and your eye burned. Your cough and stuffy nose didn't make it any better either. You were wrapped up in a blanket with one of Noah's hoodies on with some random TV show on. It was more of background noise than anything, then there was a knock at the door. Getting up you go and look through the peep hole to see none other than your boyfriend.

You open the door in shock "Noah? You're supposed to be working on the album what are you doing home??"

"I wasn't gonna stay away from my girl when she's sick. What kind of boyfriend would I be?" he said coming in and kissing your head. He sets down a couple of bags on the kitchen counter. He brought some of your favorite cookies, soup from your favorite cafe, medicine and even some heat packs.

"Noah, you didn't have to..." you felt bad to have taken time from his work, but you also felt touched that he went out and got you all these things to feel better.

“Y/N.” Okay now he was serious “ you’re sick, I love you so I want and need to care for you. Now go get comfy on the couch while I get your soup ready” he pointed to your previous spot

“Okay okay, thank you baby” you pout. He leans down for a kiss but you stop him with your hand “okay that is where I draw the line mister. You are the lead vocalist in the band and I will not let you kiss me and catch my sick”

“Fine, Fine. But you’ll owe me kisses when your better”

He served your soup in your favorite bowl. Put some of your favorite cookies on a small plate and brought you two bottles of water. For one you had to stay hydrated, and to at least have a treat with your medicine. He found a movie he knew you loved and waited for you to finish your soup to cuddle you. Every now and then he would feel your forehead to see how your temperature was.

I have a few minutes to sell her check up on you. See if you need anything or if you were comfortable. Eventually you did fall asleep on him so he covered you in an extra blanket. No no it has a habit to take a picture of you whenever you fell sleep on him. And you being sick was not an excuse to miss out on this moment.

You just looked so peaceful he had to capture the moment. On top of that you were cuddling on top of him? Even better. And even if you were to get him sick he wouldn’t mind. Although he did start to feel that you were sweating a bit. You must’ve started to sweat the fever which means the medicine was working great. That also meant it was sent to wake you up get you in the shower and to change clothes and give you some more medicine if needed.

As for you, since no one has gotten there with all of these things to take care of you you didn’t even feel sick anymore. Just by him bringing these few things and taking care of you you already felt a million times better. And you will admit you did hear him while you were sleeping and how he had promised you to always take care of you when you got sick. And you will definitely tease him about it later on.

「✨Taglist✨」 @lilhobgobbler @cncohshit @vir-tual

#noah sebastian #noah sebastian x reader #bad omens #badomens #noahsebastian #bad omens cult #bad omens band

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yongislong · 2 years

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intimate moments + 127

wc/genre: 2,010k... fluff, domestic, angsty?? suggestive? mayhaphs. established relationships with nonidol!127. not proofread oof

cw/note: no cws i dont think but lmk! ty for requesting anon! requests are always open btw hehe! but YUUPP yknow what time it is my first 127 headcannons muahaha so here we go :> mark and haechan are in the dreamies post. i used and and like a lot im SORRY LMFAO but tysm for the support :") i was surprised people liked my other stuff sm! im quite insecure about the way i wrote bc.. i write how i talk haha, its kind of a mess. i wish i could make my posts a lot cuter and stuff but school is tiring, i appreciate all of your love lately though, this was all for myself and first bc i was going through it but im glad people enjoy it! sorry this is so long i just wanted to let yall know a bit more abt me! :D

taeil… cooking: GOD im having taeil brainrot bc he was on that baby show, and him ripping that crab with his bare hands.... sickening. bc UGH he is such husband material. imagining you both in the kitchen cooking and he's genuinely such a menace and you cant hear the music you suggested to play, anymore bc his smooching noises are so LOUD and suddenly the homemade pho you were both attempting to make while wearing matching aprons is on the verge of being forgotten lol. you finally give in after much name calling from him and let him press your cheeks together to give you a wet, loud smooch on your forehead. theres something about cooking to taeil thats so personal and adult-y to him. like oh my god here you both are, sitting in your VERY cute shared apartment, sharing a very nice bowl of noodles as the roses he planted now lay in a small mint green vase on your tiny dining room table. its something about the domesticity of working on something together, enjoying yourselves while doing it AND getting to eat the end product of said hard work, that he finds incredibly fullfilling. sitting across the love of his life. another thing he likes to do is prop his feet next to your right thigh on your chair and you do the same. you guys have your legs resting on each others chairs under the table. sometimes he pulls on the skin of your calf and when you complain you haven't shaven he rolls his eyes and seems to swat your words out of the air in front of him. long story short he just watches you ramble on about your day at work, until he stares for too long and hasn't realized you're practically shaking the life out of him because he never answered your questions about whether or not he gave brina and brita their fish food

johnny... sharing a book: johnny pegs me as someone who's super patient! maybe he's not bc... parasocial relationships LOL but in his interactions with everyone else, like that one jcc where mark doesn't want frozen yogurt and he was so nice abt it! but similarly to renjun, its nice to share something in bed but also both be consuming the same content yknow? he also seems to me like the type of guy who, likes to finish something before moving on to the next big thing WHICH means.... you spending about 5 months going through the entire percy jackson series PFTT. but its SOO GOOD and you both get so into it and after you finish the first two books you immediately both skip lectures or work the next day just to watch the movies and you both lose your minds at how bad they are TT. but yes its such a nice time to unwind! he loves having you lay between his legs, head on his collarbone as his arms circle around your torso to lay the book on your hipbone. he always waits for you to finish before he turns the page ofc! he also bought a little reading light that can be clipped on the the binding of the outside of the book and illuminate the pages in case reading went on a lot longer than expected. the bookmark that holds your place in the story was a polaroid picture of you sleeping HOWEVER it got replaced to a picture of you looking thru a glass of wine and it makes your face look all warped and funny lol. johnny always smiles when he sees it so its a good way to begin reading time hehe. kinda obvious but his body heat + his room + the smell of his lingering cologne on his sheets is chefs kiss, extra points if the apartment still smells like coffee from this morning OR the bottle of red wine he opened that sits on the nightstand </3

taeyong... customizing clothes together: GODDDD ya'll would be the most well dressed couple ever dude. yong is so creative, and i sense that he would want his partner to share his same taste at least when it comes to clothes and art! this isn't something you both do often bc... life lol but it started when you were cleaning out your shared closet. both sprawled on the floor, as you begin complaining about how you've both found pieces of clothing that you felt guilty about throwing away. then! yong suggests going to the craft/vintage store to see if theres any way to up-cycle what you've found. so thats how you spend the summer weekend. sat on the plush fuchsia rug in your living room, surrounded by denim, fabric squares, 80s brooches, lace, ribbon, etc etc as you spend the humid and sticky afternoon binging nana while you both sit in creative/comfortable silence, gluing and pining and sewing things to various articles of clothing. its SO cozy, funk music plays from the mini speaker you guys co-own and at the end of the task, you give each other a private fashion show styling your new clothes! he adores watching you pretend to model and eggs you on sm "y/n you need to consider doing this for real, everything looks good on you its not fair," this day is something that you both remember for a while. there were shared childhood stories, insecurities, dreams and you both were so much more vulnerable because there was something to distract yourselves with. the night ends in an absolute destruction of your living room floor, but accompanied with a cuddle session in his bed, the sounds from the ceiling fan and his heart beat almost make you sleepy, almost missing his whispered compliments and soft neck kisses.

yuta... hair: ok i know this is super vague but as a fellow scorpio who loves doing things to their hair, theres nothing more i want in life than someone to be able to do those things with! like ugh late night hair salon time with yuta, yup. this goes along so well with trust as well. i mean he's letting you cut, dye and style his hair and vice versa. i feel like he'd be with someone who's more edgy and this would be such a raw moment for you as a couple LIKE you're changing each other's appearances and its a time of patience. listening is extremely important as well and whenever you go through a new hair phase, sitting down at the sink and soaking up what the other has to say and practically baring their souls out while the bleach is very much stinging the top of his scalp is really fascinating LMAO, needless to say you guys aren't the typical couple, but it works. the amount of understanding and empathy you've both adopted for one another is lovely! and not to mention is super cute when yuta crinkles his nose, his teeth peeking out just a bit from the opening of his lips, because he absolutely needed a blonde wolf cut and hair is very much getting all over his face. in moments like this he doesn't think he would trade your adorable and super hot according to him concentration face. ALSOOO angsy, hot, jrock inspired couple photos are a must and yes, everyone on campus is jealous.

doyoung... driving: CORNYY BOOO yes ik, but guys? him driving, in that domestic ass button up and black thick rimmed glasses. he needs to be in jail bc he absolutely would be that bf to throw rocks at your window even though, yes you live together and yes its an apartment complex but, he wants you to feel that super giddy like, puppy bunny love again and he almost brought a boombox to play to play head over heels by tears for fears but... too much according to jaehyun lol. so anyways he loves late night drives with you. or any drives really! his favorites are a combination of picking you up late night from work and getting to hear all the drama whilst you guys eay in-n-out in the parking lot. and listen, im not trying to push the doyoung medical student agenda but... i 100% am and his reasoning for these late nights is because he's soooo busy! he feels guilty he doesn't take you out to nicer places and you always have to reassure him that anywhere he goes with you, is automatically a win in your books. its moments like these where he really grasps how lucky he is. oh wow.... you really do love him and it FREAKS him out in the best way. every night always ends sappy bc he's so GROSS geez. he's such a romantic in a way you would never expect. he's not cheesy or arrogant about loving you, and he never considers it something he has to do either. he just fully, truly and honestly wants to worship the ground you walk on. DON'T even get me started on drive-in movies omg. basically his cherry red car is your safe space lol </3

jaehyun... record swapping: tha music man muahaha. my heart tells me you both met in a vintage record store AHH, he saw you and his heart physically ached like when you see a pretty person in public, yeah but x 100 like he got the wind knocked out of him and he fucking drops, the stack of chet baker records he had on hand and his ears look like red bell peppers and he wants to crawl away until you rush over not like run but brisk walking? lol as you help him pick up all the vinyls he dropped.you noticed in between the pile of 50s music he had a limited edition vinyl of on of your favorite bands and that had you whipping your head up and noticing how soft he looked all flushed and dimples peaking out from the thin line on his lips. definition of he fell first but you fell harder ESPECIALLY on ya'll's second/third date. he invited you over to his house and requested you to bring your best albums. AND GODDDD the date was... truly when you fell harder for him. you spent the night swapping albums aka baring your souls and sitting on his kitchen counter as he paces back and forth in front of you as he goes on a tangent about his favorite artist. its like the world slows down and you both leave that date with a new record from the other and a notion that you were definitely falling in love with each other

jungwoo... bubble baths: GAAHHH TT. tell me, that jungwoo wouldn't adore relaxing with a full on bubble bath with you. and i'm talking like bubblegum flavored soap, bath bombs, dried flowers, candles, mood lighting???? its too good. after the first couple of times you've done it, he learns your habits and favorite smells as well as the right way to position you in the tub bc he takes up sm of it LOL. and if you're both tall... you make it work! hehe. but DUDE once he learns how to juggle this intimate activity LMFAO he buys stuff specifically for your sunday reset bubble baths OMG, like that board that stands across the tub just so he can set his laptop on it. yes its just bc he wants to watch disney movies and real house wives while unwinding haha. he's so sweet though, being all pretty with his skin a little glowy because of the steam coming from the water, his eyebrows brush up from when he swiped water on his eyes and his eyes twinkling once he stacks a bunch of bubbles on your head in a makeshift crown. he likes to give u bubbly shoulder kisses BOOOOOOO yes im jealous bc he's perfect and OFC he picks out the perfect pjs and warms them up in the dryer and sits you on the bathroom counter just so he can do your skincare for you </3

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the-ace-with-spades · 1 year

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Dunno if I'm going to ever finish it (written in bits and pieces at the moment, about 2 out 9 chapters done + dialogues for the rest) but I might as well post it here. It was supposed to be part 1 of a series (the cure series) but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

'cause boys don't cry AU after Eddie leaves 118. When Eddie says a few words too much during an argument, Buck decides to leave LA but still stays in contact with everyone and still acts like Chris' second parent despite being miles away. It takes him two years hopping around the country to realize that his family will still be there without their workplace holding them together. It takes Eddie less to realize he misses him like a lung. Buck-centric, character study, slow burn, mutual pinning, getting together

Any kind of holiday cheer has left Buck and by the time he and Taylor are back in his loft, all he wants to do is sleep and forget the whole day happened.

Taylor takes it in stride. Buck has long suspected that she knows a bit too much about the feelings he has regarding Eddie—the feelings that are also too much. She’s been patient with him, like no one else has ever been, to the point that Buck felt guilt about how she was giving him more than he was giving her.

She lets Buck fester in his own mind while she keeps herself busy with unpacking the leftovers and tupperware Bobby handed them on their way out. She puts it all in the fridge which Buck will have to rearrange later and switch some of the stuff into the freezer. He has his own system and she doesn't know it, even after almost a year of dating. It’s fine.

"I know we promised not to talk about it until after New Year," Taylor says when she closes the fridge, voice soft and soothing in the silence of the loft, "but maybe it's a sign."

"Maybe," he agrees.

A few days before Christmas, Taylor got a job offer. In New York. They promised to talk about that first thing first, in January. They haven't talked about it beyond the offer that Buck could be a firefighter in New York. It was Taylor's offer, a compromise that would keep their both careers intact; an offer that seemed perfect on paper.

One thing is clear—Taylor is going, with or without Buck.

And the thing is, Buck would never hold her back, would never ask her to stay in LA with him and that was probably saying more about their relationship than he'd like to admit. But up until this point, he'd been thinking about a way they should go about their split up—because Buck couldn't do a long-distance relationship again—and not whether he actually could be a firefighter in New York. The wait has, so far, been unexpectedly good for them—maybe a deadline to judge how true their I love yous and I miss yous were and deciding whether the last year really proved they were better as a couple than as friends, maybe it was a good thing. Maybe the certainty that by January, they will know what the rest of their year will look like was something they both needed.

"Let me write some emails before going to bed," he tells her.

She smiles back at him, in a way that's almost calming. Not quite, but maybe in a couple of years…

Three hours later, Buck is tired. He's researched how external transfer could work—and it's manageable even if barely—and he's sent seven different emails with his firefighter CV and certs to various chiefs, admins and HR people.

Maybe it's impulsive. Maybe he should wait a bit and cool down. But maybe this is how he should do things—with his heart as the only guide. And his heart is hurt enough that he would do anything to leave LA as fast as he can.

Taylor brings him a mug of cinnamon tea and he gives her a kiss and the only thing his brain wants to acknowledge right at the moment is that Eddie hates cinnamon.

The next day, they are at work—having the Christmas Day off means going to work before or after it, or both, in Buck's case—and Buck is tying his shoes on the bench in the locker room.

Everyone is quiet. There's no Eddie. The only familiar faces are Hen and Ravi but the rest of the crew is also avoiding Buck's eyes, like they know he can break at the right look.

"You alright, Buck?" Hen asks, in the end, because someone has to and Bobby is already in his office.

"Peachy."

There's nothing else to say. Eddie was right—he has no right to be angry, about anything, or sad or disappointed or—It's not Buck's place to feel anything regarding Eddie or Christopher and he might have forgotten about it but now that he remembers, he's fine. He is.

Everyone leaves the locker room without a word. It's still ten minutes before the shift begins.

Buck keeps on trying and trying but he can't tie his shoes correctly, his hands shaking enough that both ends tangle together before he can make a proper knot.

Hen steps closer, because she won't leave him alone like this. But that's the thing—she will. Three years and she will be doing rounds in a hospital with other med students. And maybe she gave them a lot of heads up to get used to the idea and maybe, definitely, she will be a brilliant doctor, but it's all the same.

Hen stops his hands from tugging on the shoelaces. Her fingers wrap around his palms, embracing the tense muscles until he loosens the grip. She guides them away, closer to her waist.

"Buck," she says. "Don't lie to me."

"I'm fine, Hen."

There's no other truth. He has no right to any other truth.

"I know you're mad, Buck, and I know you don't want Eddie to leave but—"

"I'm not mad, Hen," he interrupts and it's not a lie. He's not mad—he's hurt and he feels stupid that he forgot his place and that he let himself get comfortable and hopeful again. Things with Eddie hadn't been great ever since the shooting and only spiraled downhill once Buck moved out of Eddie's house after he recovered enough to take care of himself and Christopher on his own—he should have known that it was Eddie's choice, that he was recreating boundaries for Buck so he wouldn't cross into a territory he shouldn't.

But it was too late for that.

Buck has already crossed every boundary anyone from the One-Eighteen had set for him. It wasn't intentional—he just thought his boundaries were in the same spots as everyone else's, that they weren't playing house, that they were living it, the same way he did.

"I think Eddie is making the right decision," Buck tells her because that's also the truth and he doesn't like lying.

If Eddie had talked to him about it, Buck would have told him that too—he would have been supportive, would have helped him with shortlisting potential jobs, would have helped him with talking about it with Christopher, would have set a budget and time-off plan, would have put some order into the chaos the decision was. Eddie was doing what was best for Christopher and that—that's something Buck would never deny him. But Eddie hadn't talked to him about it.

And that hurt. That hurt because one of the things Buck has always thought he would have, no matter what his feelings for Eddie were—platonic, romantic or too messed up to name—was that little place in Eddie's family.

And it was like Maddie all over again, too. Because he thought he had that little place in Maddie and Chim's family, that he would be part of the struggle and the decisions and he would be part of the help. It wasn’t about Maddie not being there for him, it was about Maddie not allowing him to be there for her. It's never been about being left behind—it's always been about being part of someone else, having a place with someone.

And if Buck's not part of any of the two, then who exactly is he? Who is Evan Buckley? Maybe it's time to figure it out, on his own. Maybe it's just part of being a human, leaving others behind, never really settling down with anyone, and maybe Buck needs to do exactly that.

He clenches his jaw and slides his hands out of Hen's grip.

He gives her a small smile and uses the same shaking hands to finally tie his boots. He can't look her in the eyes, at least not for more than a millisecond.

"I'm fine, Hen. Really."

Eddie doesn't show up to the shift, or the rest of his shifts, before his two weeks notice runs out—Bobby said he used up the leftover PTO he had, to focus on finding a new job and adjusting to a new life.

Buck picks up Christopher on both Wednesdays and they have a little trip to the cinema and to the new interactive science exhibition for kids they opened just after New Year's. Buck worked on New Year's Eve and on New Year's Day. He takes Chris back home but never walks him past the porch, just watches Eddie open the door for Chris, like he was waiting at the entrance since he heard Buck's Jeep park on his driveway.

He texts Eddie for the first time in two weeks, still sitting in his car in Eddie's driveway, seeing the light turning on in the kitchen of Eddie's house. His engine is on, waiting for Buck to make the escape, to be chased or to be chased out.

To Eddie: Ill pick him up from school for a sleepover next fri

Then, he adds, because he realizes he should be asking for permission;

To Eddie: If its alright with you

A text comes in a minute later.

From Eddie: I have a taster day on sat To Eddie: Ill take him to your abuela b4 my shift then

He puts the Jeep in reverse. He drives to the loft and once he is in the underground parking lot of his apartment complex, he texts Taylor.

To Taylor: Lets do it

There's no signal underground so the text doesn't go through until he's in the elevator. He could unsent it in the next three minutes it takes him to go across the parking lot, if he wanted.

He doesn't unsent it.

He cooks dinner—too much because he never really stopped being used to cooking for two grown men and a growing pre-teen, but Taylor can always take some to work for lunch the next day. It’s a compromise.

Taylor doesn't text him but when she finally comes back from work, she has a soft smile on her face.

She takes a look at Buck, sitting on his couch with an open laptop and filled-out application forms and drafted reply emails to both the chief and the HR admin from FDNY, and she looks at him and steps closer and guides Buck's head onto her chest.

Buck sighs when she brushes her fingers through the short hair on the back of his neck.

It's not quite what he wants but it's something he can grasp now and something that a new place, maybe, can shape into something he wants.

On Thursday, Buck goes to work early. Or earlier than he usually would. He goes through the motions—puts on freshly washed and dried uniform, button after button, even getting done the collar one today, slips his boots on and folds his civvies into a neat pile, packs it all back into the sports bag. He goes through the locker too, packs the athletic wear he has to wash between a small towel and gets rid of the little notes, photos and trinkets he has pinned to the inside of the door. It all lands in the trash can, except for the drawing he has from Christopher, of Buck in turnout gear, now years old, and a little origami flower he got from a kid he had rescued from a pile-up his first year on the job.

His name tag is still missing on his chest and as he looks into the mirror on the wall, checking if he's pinning it down straight and while staring at the Buckley written on the silver plate, he realizes he will have to give back his uniform on his last day.

FDNY doesn't have name tags. Their surnames are embroidered onto the uniform in a bright red thread, permanent in a way that Buck would have loved not so long ago.

"Buck," is what shakes him out of his head.

He looks up in the mirror and Bobby's face is already catching his eyes in the reflection.

"You're early," Bobby continues, in that level-headed, monotone voice he uses when he isn't sure what's going on but has a feeling about it. "There's over half an hour left before the shift starts."

Buck doesn't know what to say to that so he asks, "Can we talk? In private?"

Bobby takes him upstairs, to his office. They are quiet on the way there and Bobby's hand is warm on the small of his back when he closes the door behind them. He doesn't sit down, instead, he leans on his desk and looks at Buck. His arms are open like he's preparing for a hug—Buck expected them to be crossed over his chest.

"Cap—" he says and then he corrects himself. "Bobby, I didn't want you to hear from anyone else but I already submitted a copy to the chief."

He hands him the manila folder he snatched from his locker before following him out of the changing area. Bobby opens the elastic in a second and reads the papers inside.

“I think it’s time,” Buck adds when Bobby doesn't say anything.

This stirs something. Bobby looks almost angry—it's a look Buck's never seen on him. Disappointed, disapproving, defeated? Buck's seen that, not this.

“Time for what? I thought this is what you wanted, what you fought for. Buck, you can’t just—”

“It’s an external transfer, Cap, not a resignation letter," he interrupts. Bobby could, probably, talk him out of this and he knows it.

He needs him not to talk him out of this.

“I need a minute to myself, find a place in—with someone. I got too attached to this,” he admits, without really admitting what this means. “To the station, to the crew, to… We might act like it sometimes, but it isn't a family, isn’t that what you told me? I think I took it too far and—it's not—”

Healthy. It's not healthy for him.

Bobby flinches at the words, maybe because he hasn’t remembered them until now or maybe because he hasn’t thought that Buck would remember them. And he hadn't, not until a few days ago when his heart started breaking after sustaining too many cracks in the last months. It’s been five years and Buck still remembers. This is not a family.

And that's Buck's main point here—it's been five years and Buck is in the same place as he started, maybe there's less stolen trucks and meaningless hookups but emotionally, he's stuck. Desperate for a family. Loving with his whole heart without being loved back the same amount. With no clue who he is, except that he is a firefighter, and although this, somehow, might give him a lifeline to grasp, it's not enough anymore. He doesn't want to just survive, he wants to thrive.

“We are a family, Buck. This crew, we all love you, we will always be your family—”

Buck wants to believe it—

“On shift, maybe.” —he knows better now though. “But after the shift, you all will have your real families. You’ve got Athena, and May, and Harry, and Micheal, Hen has Karen and Denny and her fosters, and—and Chim will have Maddie and Jee and I—I just have an empty apartment and way too many feelings. I hate it, Bobby, I hate how this makes me feel so angry and so desperate and so empty, and I need to be less attached. I need to know who I am again without questioning how much of this is real and how much I imagined.”

He can't look Bobby in the eyes—he knows what he would see if he does. Defeat. Sadness. Maybe even a bit of a heartbreak.

“Taylor got a job offer in New York, I checked with the command and they would need me to recertify there if I wanted to be a fully trained firefighter on the crew or squad but they will gladly let me be a floater in the meantime, I don't even have to redo the full training, just pass the ones reciprocity can't be reached on. I’ll technically belong to Station Two-Fifty-Two but I’ll be bouncing around to whichever house will need me at the time. It’ll be good for me, not getting too involved, you know? Just doing what I love with no strings attached.”

No boundaries to cross or to overstretch. Just Buck, in his purest form. Just Buck, not the imagined version he created in his own mind. No Buck 1.0, no Buck 2.0, no Buck 3.0, no Buck 4.0. Just Buck.

Just Evan.

"It'll be good, I promise," he says and it almost sounds like he's saying, I'll be good.

Bobby stands there, his arms falling down his sides. And then he opens them again, this time wider, this time leaning into Buck's space from afar.

Buck lets him hug him. Lets him hold his nape in his palm and lets him guide Buck's face into his shoulder. Lets him sway Buck from side to side until Bobby's breathing, shallow and rapid, is back to normal. Lets himself have this for the last time.

"Please don't tell anyone about it, Bobby," he pleads into his shoulder. "I have two weeks left. I want them to be normal."

Bobby squeezes his shoulders tighter.

On Friday, he picks up Chris from school.

First thing in the morning, while, he knows, Eddie is driving Chris to school, he parks on the driveway and uses the spare key to get in. He tries not to look around—at the dirty dishes in the sink, at the thrown over the couch blankets, at Eddie's unused work shoes, sitting near the entrance.

It's not his place, to look at them.

Instead, he packs an overnight bag for Chris—his favorite PJs, two in case something gets spilled, clothes for the next day, his weekend workbook, his space-themed notebook, his comfort blanket, the one he had since he was a baby, and Chris's meds for two days.

He hesitates before going back out to his car. Turns around back to the kitchen and takes a sticky note from the fridge and writes down what he doesn't want to say.

Packed stuff for Chris for the weekend. Don't freak out if anything is missing.

The key is under the mat

– Buck

He leaves the sticky note on the fridge and leaves the spare key under the mat. He's flying out in two days, on an overnight flight on Sunday, it's not like he's going to use it again.

Chris is happy to see him. Just like Buck suspected, Eddie hasn't told him the plan for the day. Buck clenches his jaw before saying something along the lines, Glad you liked the surprise, buddy.

The day is good. They start up by making dough for a homemade pizza and the loft looks like a warzone afterwards but Buck doesn't care. While the dough is left to grow, he helps Chris with his homework and then, they finish up the pizza, making a monstrosity of various toppings that probably shouldn't go together. It’s something they’d done multiple times over the years, even if Eddie is usually there with them.

Chris is amazing the whole day like he always is. They play a mix of video games and board games and even play some modified Uno. Chris rambles about his school day throughout the whole ordeal and runs down possible ideas for his upcoming projects by Buck and they discuss the idea of making a giant soda volcano, just to spite Eddie when it inevitably erupts in their living room—Buck makes him promise he will take a picture of Eddie's face when it happens.

They finish up with a healthy snack—veggies and hummus—and Chris and he brush their teeth before they go to bed for their half an hour of before-bed quiet reading time, each with their own book. When Chris's eyes get tired, Buck finishes up the chapter for him, reading out loud, until Chris curls into his chest on the brink of sleep.

Buck tucks them both in. Chris falls asleep as soon as he kisses his forehead.

He remembers the first time like this, back when Eddie was dating Ana and Chris came for a sleepover in the loft while his dad was breaking Buck's heart, laughing in a restaurant with a woman that wasn't Buck. He had been anxious the whole evening and trying desperately not to think why Eddie wanted Chris to sleep at Buck's and not Buck at their house. But as soon as Chris was under Buck's covers, the only thing he could think about was just how scared he was to sleep with Chris in the same bed.

Because no matter how big it was, Chris was so small and Buck was not and Buck was a kicker—and a snorer, according to Chris and Eddie—and the thought of hurting Chris, even by accident, or even putting him in any form of discomfort, made him want to grab a spare blanket and sleep on the floor next to the bed.

He stayed awake for about an hour after Chris fell asleep with his head on his chest, contemplating just not going to sleep, when he felt Chris's own legs kicking his thigh with a single, abrupt movement. And then, somehow, he knew Chris would be fine.

And he holds Chris, for an hour, without falling asleep, just like back then, and he knows Chris will be fine with him leaving. He will be fine because he will make sure of that. It's not going to be like his dad leaving for the army or like his mom leaving for LA after breaking down.

It’s a normal day. The upcoming days will also be normal, even if different.

They are eating breakfast in Buck’s kitchen the next morning, Taylor comes in, says hi to Chris and leaves within minutes with her laptop. Before she goes, she stops in the doorframe, looking at Chris’s back, at how unsuspecting he is, and gives Buck a smile that feels like a squeeze of a hand. He nods back at her and smiles, his cheeks protesting at the motion.

Chris is still half-awake but he finishes his choco-chip pancakes without problems. It’s slow, and quiet, and sunny and Buck hates it.

"There's something we should talk about," he starts when Chris is scrapping off the whipped cream off the side of his plate. Buck hasn’t even tried to eat. "Something I have to tell you."

#buddie #buck my beloved (deregatory)#evan buck buckley #911 fox #op #charlie writes #q

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pinktinselmonstrosity · 4 months

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everything i read in may!

it's that time of the month again! i didn't get to read as much as i wanted this month because unfortunately i have to write this stupid dissertation 😔 but i did also read some really good books SO let me tell u about them!!

The Sunshine Court by Nora Sakavic

I was actually on a book-buying ban and then this book came out and i blacked out and in a day it was in my hands and in another day i had finished it. So so good i absolutely loved it. Reawakened my long-dormant obsession with this series.

To be completely honest, i was never particularly interested in Jean in the original series, but i very quickly fell in love with him. I'm so honestly invested in his recovery and i cannot wait to find out what happens next. It was super interesting to see this world from two new perspectives. I also really enjoyed Jeremy!! Jeremy babe what are your secrets... i need to know... i also really liked that jean's relationship with renée wasn't retconned for the sake of jerejean. Even tho they're obviously not going to be endgame they still get to be really important to each other (and i can't wait for their inevitable reunion at the winter banquet with jealous jeremy 👀). Anyway i'll shut up now but. Thank you nora ❤️

Damascus by Christos Tsiolkas

This book billed itself as historical fiction focusing on early christianity, which is a historical period/topic that i've studied a lot so i was interested. However, the book in reality doesn't really fit that description in my opinion. Bear with me here because the only thing i can think of to compare it to is a modern take on a hagiography.

Hagiographies have this weird semi-fictional, semi-truthful quality about them. On the one hand, they consist of biographical information about a (usually) real person - who they were, how they became christian, what happened to them. On the other hand, they were meant to act as a guide to faith for their readers, and so also include much more abstract discussions of spiritual struggles/didacticism. Damascus really felt the same way, like it was telling a truthful story on one level but, on another, it was meant to be a much more timeless discussion of faith. I'm still not 100% sure if i enjoyed it or not, but it was certainly thought-provoking and really gave me some insight into the experience of being faithful (which i don't personally have).

The City & the City by China Miéville

I thought the concept of this book was really, really interesting and well executed, but the actual plot wasn't so well executed and kind of let the rest of the book down, imo. The concept is of two cities that exist on top of each other. Physically and geographically they are the same city, but political borders have been drawn through it that separates them - for instance, one side of a street could be in one city, and the other half in the other city. Citizens of one city are not allowed to acknowledge the existence of citizens of the other - if they walk past them on the street they must "unsee" them or risk being arrested by the supranational secret police that maintains the borders between the two. If you want to go to a location in the other city you have to pass through a central checkpoint border, and, once across, you must "unsee" your original city. It's a really compelling concept, and I think Miéville explains it really well (much better than me lmao).

The book follows a homicide detective investigating a murder, but when he discovers that the body was driven across the border between the cities it becomes an international case. Unfortunately I found the ultimate resolution of the mystery/story quite unsatisfying :( I would still recommend it but just with a bit of a warning.

The Crow Road by Ian Banks

My parents have been trying to get me to read Banks for ages, and I'm so glad I didn't listen and waited until now because I feel like this book came to me at the right time of my life. It's a coming of age story, essentially, with a surprise murder mystery element that really sneaks up on you towards the end. It is brilliantly written, very emotional in parts and also very funny at others. I also loved it because the protagonist is the same age as me, living in the same city as me, and facing similar feelings of existential dread about the future. Really, really brilliant!! Would highly highly recommend.

On my radar

And that's it! i'm currently about halfway through The Wall by Marlen Haushofer, which I am enjoying but I'm not really sure where it's going/where it can go from here. In June I really want to stick to my book-buying ban, and luckily I have a huge tbr pile to choose from. I'll probably read The Forgery by Ava Barrera next, and I also have a non-fiction book about utopianism/post-scarcity/univeral basic income that I really want to get to. And as always, if you read this far i love you ❤️ and tell me what you read this month/what you're reading now/want to read next month! talk books to me!!!!

#woooo time to do another one of these!!#i'm never going to stop guys i don't care if nobody cares ❤️#pinkie reads #🧃

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shamera · 10 months

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NaNo day 21

...i took the day off writing yesterday and used my free time to read, whoops. it seems my brain doesn't want to do the writing thing anymore, so i moved back to the time loop story!

short update, but i think i just missed dfs even if he sure didn't miss me and the frustration i like to put him through.

“Here,” Di Feisheng indicated on the map Wuyan brought. “Cross out all the places above. And one more thing.”

Wuyan didn’t dare object, and bowed before he left.

—

“Where is everyone?” Fang Duobing asked as they walked through the village. He was peering around, craning his neck around corners as if the townsfolk were merely playing a game that he might win should he find them. It was strange mostly because there were stalls already out, and some food gone cold yet no people to eat or man the area.

On an otherwise brisk but beautiful day, the entire village was silent.

“Who knows?” Di Feisheng offered casually, looking away specifically. He didn’t have to look back to know that Li Lianhua was giving him a suspicious stare, but by the time he glanced back at the others, the physician was already studying one of the empty tables with interest.

Li Lianhua ran a finger down the wooden grain of the table, and then lifted it up to check, rubbing his fingers together.

“There’s ash,” he said with surprise, bringing his hand up to sniff delicately. “Trace amounts, but something was burnt here earlier. Not too long ago. The people might have evacuated thinking there was a fire.”

“Very effective.” Di Feisheng observed.

Li Lianhua gave him another look, but didn’t comment further on the words. “I suppose we’ll have to investigate the area for today and wait until the people come back to ask about the missing travellers.”

“Tomorrow?” Fang Duobing’s voice was dismayed, but he merely scowled as he crossed his arms. “I’d rather take care of it today.”

Li Lianhua flicked his fingers. “There’s no rush.”

They searched through the village with far less hassle this time around, but also coming up with far less clues as to what happened to the travellers.

“Let’s head down this path,” Di Feisheng suggested after the other two refused to rummage through the abandoned homes of the villagers. It meant they hadn’t found key items, but at the same time it meant they weren’t hassled by aggressive strangers.

“Why?” Li Lianhua asked suspiciously from where he was resting next to a lopsided wooden fence. “You’ve been behaving strange all day, A-Fei.”

Luckily, it seemed Fang Duobing was a little too preoccupied poking through a fire pit a little too large and close to the village centre. Di Feisheng had seen the pit enough times to know that it was there normally and therefore not the source of whatever fire Fang Duobing was looking for.

“A hunch,” Di Feisheng responded, and turned to leave, knowing the other two would eventually follow him.

He leads them (suspiciously) to the well and the cavern where the dungeon was, and then (suspiciously) refuses to say how he knew that would be there. For all the times Di Feisheng had quietly attempted to get them to believe that he was repeating the same day over and over, he didn’t want to have that conversation today.

He generally didn’t want to be called upon to explain how the previous iteration of ‘today’ ended. He just wanted to finish searching through the dungeon to see if they could find something particular or strange, and then perhaps take the next several iterations of ‘today’ away from this place.

He wasn’t even looking to end the repeats. There were still things he wanted to accomplish if given the extra time. The distant sense of urgency to find a solution to the repeats from the previous day had already faded, but Di Feisheng’s irritation concerning this village had yet to do so.

“Don’t,” he warned as they searched, “go into the cells. There’s an incendiary trap in there.”

Now it was Fang Duobing frowning at him. “How do you know that?”

Di Feisheng thought for a moment, and then replied, “Ask me this tomorrow.”

They found nothing of use, and when they returned to Lotus Tower for the night, Wuyan reported in the negative and Di Feisheng crossed out another section of the map.

He spent the late evening practising his sword forms, an uneasy feeling building within as he took his frustrations and uncertainty out on the trees surrounding him. Even as the candle light of Lotus Tower was blown out, he stayed out under the moonlight until he fell asleep resting against the roots of a tree.

—

Di Feisheng opened his eyes to an unoccupied bed the next day, and frowned. The birds were still chirping, but there was the smell of rice cooking and the distinct sounds of murmuring and footsteps below him.

He wasn’t… he was still staring up at the roof of Lotus Tower, but was it the next day?

He lifted an arm. He was back in his sleep clothes, although he was certain he fell asleep outdoors in full wear the previous night. He brought the sleeve to his arm and sniffed. No. Unless someone managed to wash him of the sweat accumulated from his training last night, it was just another loop.

Yet this time, he overslept.

Judging from the sounds, the two downstairs were trying not to wake him up in a surprisingly thoughtful turn. Di Feisheng moved out of bed slowly, taking stock of his own body as he moved. Nothing seemed amiss, and he certainly wasn’t feeling the exertion from the day previous. He felt as he had each morning for each repeat, and as the bed creaked and his feet hit the floor, he could hear the noises below him change.

After dressing and strapping his sword to his back, Di Feisheng made his way down the stairs to Fang Duobing attempting to not so subtly push Li Lianhua away from the kitchen area with a spatula as he held onto the pan over the flames and Li Lianhua stirring a pot on a burner with a frown.

“A-Fei!” Fang Duobing called out cheerfully as he pushed through the door. “You sure slept in this morning. Just in time for breakfast, though.”

With bowls of watery congee and a plate of stir-fried vegetables, they sat and discussed the disappearances of several travellers in the village they were heading toward. Di Feisheng stayed quiet during their discussion, watching them for cues. Luckily, that was not unusual of him, although they gave him confused glances from time to time.

“We probably could have been on our way already,” Fang Duobing bluffed (they never left this early, not in all the iterations) with a sly smile, leaning over the table. “If someone hadn’t overslept!”

Di Feisheng gave him a flat look and set down his empty bowl.

“I’ll join you tomorrow.” He said. “Something came up today.”

Immediately, Fang Duobing’s smug expression melted into concern instead. It was unfortunate that his emotions were always so clear on his face, as Di Feisheng couldn’t understand how the young man could be a detective when he couldn’t bluff his way out of a wet paper bag.

Li Lianhua, sitting opposite him, merely took the statement in stride.

“Good luck on your endeavours,” the man told him, his bowl still more than half full. Half because he ate so slowly, and half because Fang Duobing kept piling more vegetables into it.

“Wait, wait,” Fang Duobing waved his arms as Di Feisheng stood from the bench, catching their attention. He looked between Li Lianhua and Di Feisheng with concern. “Did something happen? I thought we agreed yesterday to do this together? We spent a week getting here!”

“Something came up,” Di Feisheng repeated, but then amended with a thought, “Go tomorrow. I’ll join you. Do something else today.”

“Like what?” Fang Duobing asked, bewildered.

“There’s a leak in the corner upstairs. Fix that.”

At that, Fang Duobing’s concern slid toward irritation. “Why me? It’s your room, too! You should help!”

“A-Fei,” Li Lianhua interjected smoothly, and Di Feisheng looked down toward him as he set his bowl down to pick up a cup of tea. “You’ll be back tomorrow, then?”

Underneath the cool nonchalance were sharp eyes turned his direction, and Di Feisheng didn’t bother to acknowledge or deny it.

“Or today.” He said, because it was true. Should the day pass over to the next, he would be back. Should it not pass to the next day, then he would wake in Lotus Tower regardless.

He called for Wuyan once he was a good distance away, and when the man appeared, Di Feisheng told him, “Today, I will join the search.”

That day, he directed his people around and up a stream, and that night he slept in an unfamiliar inn at an unfamiliar town, surrounded by those of the Jinyuan Alliance in the adjacent rooms, yet his heart continued to be uneasy over the difference in how he woke that day.

—

Di Feisheng wakes in Lotus Tower to the sound of early morning birds chirping and sunlight just starting to peek through the horizon through the blinds of the room. Fang Duobing’s elbow was jabbing him in the side, and the sense of relief he felt was so acute it was nearly a physical sensation.

He goes downstairs in his night clothes and once more stares until Li Lianhua drags himself out of bed with sleepy complaints.

“I have been living this day again and again.” Di Feisheng told him quietly as they waited for the water to boil for tea. “I have found different ways to predict events, and different secrets you have told me to help me in the next repeat, but I don’t believe you need to know any of that to believe me.”

“So you’re not going to tell me if a lightning strike suddenly breaks through the clouds?” Li Lianhua asked, a hand holding his sleeve back as he scooped tea leaves. The gesture was elegant, sure, and Di Feisheng watched as he carefully poured the near boiling water into the teapot, and then lifted the teapot to swirl the liquid around before emptying the first pour into a bowl to be dumped later.

As he refilled the teapot, Di Feisheng responded, “That doesn’t happen. I thought I would need proof for you to believe me, but now I realise you’ve never disbelieved me.”

“You’re not the type to lie,” Li Lianhua said. “Especially not about strange events.”

It was true, but not merely in the sense that Di Feisheng didn’t waste time bothering with petty lies and made up stories. Every single time he revealed the repeat of days, Li Lianhua and Fang Duobing went along with whatever he said. If he claimed he was living the same day over and over and they needed to go elsewhere, then the three of them went elsewhere. If he claimed to know what happened and that they should delay a day, then they delayed a day.

It was a heady feeling, knowing that he could say something and they would go along with it, no matter how strange.

Or perhaps, because of how strange his explanation was.

Li Lianhua directed the second pour into two small teacups, and then set the teapot back down, releasing his sleeve and flicking his wrists to smooth out the cloth, actions so perfunctory he likely never noticed just how fussy he looked.

Di Feisheng smiled at the action, picking up a teacup to savour the warmth and smell of it.

Li Lianhua narrowed his eyes. “What?”

“Nothing.” Di Feisheng told him, still smiling. He imitated Li Lianhua’s movement to draw attention to the superfluousness of it. It looked even more ridiculous when he did it, with his sleeves coiled up under his bracers. “You’re exceptionally vain.”

The other man looked affronted. “Is it vain to keep a clean appearance? I think you’re not using that word correctly, Lao Di.”

Di Feisheng downed the tea in one swallow like wine, savouring the burn on this tongue. It was a warmth that spread down his throat and through his chest, and he savoured it.

Setting the cup back on the table with a click, he said, “Come with me today. We’ll untether the horses and ride out.”

Li Lianhua raised a brow, hands cradling the warmth of his own teacup without drinking it. “You want me to leave my house?”

“We’ll be back tomorrow,” Di Feisheng stated. One way or another, it would be true. We’ll go now.”

“We should wake Xiaobao up if—”

“He’ll find us.” Di Feisheng interjected. He hadn’t planned on keeping their tracks secret, and if Fang Duobing couldn’t find them, then… well, that would be a lesson to the young man to learn better tracking skills. Already, he pushed himself up from the bench and reached out a hand. “Another thing to teach that disciple of yours.”

Li Lianhua gave him a strange look at the extended hand, but then allowed Di Feisheng to pull him up off the seat.

Di Feisheng was smiling again, with the cool, calloused hand within his own.

Li Lianhua sighed. “At least let me leave a message before he accuses us of leaving him behind again.”

#NaNoWriMo #mlc nano 2023 #less than 6k words left before i cross the finish line #I'll try to go as far as I can beyond that of course #but everything's growing busy end of November so we'll see #also I kinda wanna sit and vege watching shows for a while lol #but i also want to at least finish THIS story #the time loop one wasn't even supposed to be long!!

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ajourneyinbioinformatics · 22 days

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The journey of getting back my academic spark

I'm currently working on my Master's thesis in Bioinformatics and completely lost my spark. What do I mean by that? Over the last year, I have found my place. My nice in the science community but more importantly the nice I want to work in for the rest of my life. I'm only 24, or already 24 depending on the perspective, but I am so certain that I, in fact, found MY place. Until it was taken away from me, leaving me bitter, alone, and empty.

disclaimer: English is not my first language. I'm really sorry for any spelling and grammatical mistakes. Please don't be too harsh on that.

I've been working on my thesis for about a year now. After I finished all classes in February I even decided to carry on a project I'd started during a class in my free time. Just continuing to work for a prof (unpaid and unofficial) because I loved it so much and still saw so many cool things within this project. Also since February, I've worked really intensely on my Thesis including weekly meetings with my supervisor. No break since the summer of 2023. And I loved it. I loved it so much. Most days I woke up, turned on my notebook during the first morning coffee and started working. Small breaks for daily life stuff and working till early morning. Sleep and wake up early to continue working. No weekends. No holidays. Working genuinely brought me joy. It was like my own little safe space. When I tried to hunt down bugs in my code nothing else mattered. And the moments when hours or even days of troubleshooting finally paid off are indescribable. This is MY thing. I thought about these projects while showering, walking the dogs, and sitting on the train. Nothing else mattered. I call that my spark. Both Profs I've worked closer with always said they admired the joy I bring to work. And both independently brought up the possibility of doing a PhD. I previously never thought that would be an option for me. Like yes, I love my work but I'm not good enough. Or am I? I dared to dream about it. Maybe only maybe this could be something for me. I was even more motivated. Motivated by promises of being allowed to do what I love so much and even get paid for it. Promises of being good enough. Constantly getting praised for my work. My supervisor was even telling me that he was concerned that I worked too much. That I never seem to be proud of my work. That it's never good enough for me. Other Master students in the department told me how my profs praised me in front of them too. This was the point where I started to hate it. I stopped believing them whenever they told me my work was good. But I continued to do my best. Not believing their feedback. Just doing the absolute most because I genuinely started to think I could actually get a PhD position. If I just get better maybe I would be good enough for a position there. Still getting so much joy from my work. I did everything for the possibility of being allowed to continue it. Well jokes on me. Now the students that started with me are finishing their thesis. Sending out applications for PhD positions. And I? Well I sit here feeling nothing but disgust when I think about work. Every time I try to start the same words echo through my head. 'I would love to let you sign a contract right now but I just hired 4 other students', 'I would immediately offer you a position but my contract doesn't allow it', 'There is no founding left', 'I don't know why I didn't think about you for this position'. Yeah me neither. But I guess there was no point cause I was already doing the work for free. Now I'm sitting here, nowhere near finishing my Thesis. He wants to add more to it. Make it worth publishing. I get that. But I feel like my time is running out. I get more empty promises. 'I will write you a letter of recommendation and send it next week.' That was over a month ago. 'I will talk to a pi and schedule a meeting. You would fit perfectly in that team.' He never mentioned it again. I think I still love my work. But I'm disgusted by it. I know that every email I send, and every result I present, will get praised endlessly. It makes me sick. They have to lie to me. If I were that good I wouldn't be the only one left behind. Always an afterthought.

I honestly don’t think they have any ill intent. Especially my thesis supervisor. I really could not wish for anyone better than him! He’s super understanding and supportive. He’s the one concerned for me. I think he just forgets about some promises. He doesn’t deserve to have a student who doesn’t feel joy for their work anymore.

It starts to really affect my mental health. I don't feel joy anymore. I am just really empty. And I want to change that. I have to change that. I will try to document my journey here. Even if nobody reads that. Maybe one day a student stumbles across these words and feels seen. And maybe, just maybe, they will be able to read a story of overcoming these struggles and get to a happy end. To my happy end. And maybe that can give someone hope. Take away the feeling of being alone with these struggles. Also maybe I can hold myself accountable with this. I have to work through this down to post about my progress. I have not lost hope yet. I can get my spark back. I have to get my spark back. I will feel this joy again when working. I am not giving up yet

#bioinformatics #academic struggles #master thesis #academic failure #fear of failure #phdjourney

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