#no one read this i just need to vent to my tumblr diary

[g0thsoojin]

🦴

[pavlovers]

think the endorphins from my workout finally kicked in bc honestly this just means jjk is that much closer to ending and i can finally move on

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for lying in my diary?

LONG story short, I found out last year my sibling, S, was going through my phone whenever I left it down somewhere, reading messages, going through private notes, and going through my tumblr and discord (both things they didn't know I had, and both places I was able to be my authentic queer self instead of closeted like irl) . I also found out they were reading my diaries. I've always had a few bc I find writing things out helps me sort my head. One was personal stuff, one was venting, one was story ideas, one was just rambling fr etc.

I was, obviously, devasted to learn this. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Lost. Angry. So I deleted my tumblr and discord, made new accounts, hid my phone, got sneaky. That was also sad for me but had to be done. After doing all that I realised S had been and was still reading my diaries. So I stopped writing in most of them when I could but if I absolutely needed to, I hid it well.

Or so I thought. I often came back to my diaries looking like someone had disturbed them/moved them and bc of where they were hidden, I knew it was no accident. Someone had been reading them. Obviously S. I moved them again and again but to the same result. S found them and read them.

Nothing I do stops S. They have no respect for my privacy. Bc of the secrets I keep (my identity, my thoughts, crushes) I can't confront them without fearing they'll out me and reveal things to others. They write fanfictions and I accidentally found one of their works and some things in it were MY LIFE. it's sickening.

So Im planning a new trick. I have a diary I never got to use properly, and I'm thinking of lying in it. Making up relationships, drama, crushes, actions, anything I can think of. Fake deep thoughts, fake love and hate, fake problems. I think it'll throw them off if they find it, and they won't keep looking for a real one (they've found and read my most recent a week ago so I have to start AGAIN).

But I hate lies and deceit and a part of me feels like it's wrong? Or maybe I'm overreacting? Would love some thoughts on this ty

What are these acronyms?

[kiyocuck]

kiyotaka tumblr user ramble

was thinkinf about this yesterday and i think ive cracked the idea of taka having tumblr, im an absolute genius and you will hear me out Okay

basically hes like a gimmick tumblr account that got famous for posting specific stuff and being Odd about it

the things he posts are like 5000 word posts just talking about his day in excruciating detail, talking about his studies and whatnot. it feels *weird* reading it bcuz hes describing oddly specific things like what he uses to clean his boots or whatever but its still Somewhat normal-ish.

he gets asks and replies to them with some unrelated tangent, some people ask him if hes autistic and hes like That is a very interesting question, I have actually done research in my spare time, because alot of my acquaintances are on the "Spectrum", and one of them, who thinks hes some 'Overlord of Ice', threw his pet hamsters at me and they scratched me on the face, and I had to go to the nurse in case he did not vaccinate them, I did not want to get rabies potentially, and-

basically letting his thoughts out without needing to sound like hes lecturing someone, he treats his blog like a diary and barely even realizes just how much attention he gets bcuz he logs in to post and then logs out

Occasionally, however, he will post something like "I cannot do this anymore I hate my life" and right after that he will post again "Apologies for the previous post, I was unmedicated, I am okay now. Anyway," and start talking about his studies again or whatever. and the funniest part is that he will not delete any sudden episode posts like that. he knows he can delete posts, but he doesnt think its worth hiding anything, which is why if he makes One grammar mistake in the 4 pages essay long posts, he will just reblog it correcting the ONE error like "*you're. I misspelled, sorry." and you are left to go look for that mistake he made in the first place

he will occasionally turn his posts into vents or nonsensical rambles like "I was reading a book about self-care recently, it was very informing. One of the chapters said 'It's important to have people in your life to support you'. Why does no one love me? Who should I rely on for support? What is wrong with me?" and people will reblog it like OP are you alright you can talk to us:( and he'll be like I'm perfectly okay dont ask me questions please (<-about to have another episode)

this turned out a bit depressive but take it in a funny way okay i just like to think about him alot even though i hate him and want him to die again by My hands

[fictionkinfessions]

I'm not even saying who I am. But that ask about the ec kin I cut off.

First off. I didn't cut you off. I politely left the server because you kin Adam and while he did bad things in canon and you may not have personally, you have no idea what he did to ME personally. I said in the server that you were free to stay my friend, message me on tumblr, and continue following my blog. I left for my own comfort and safety. I did not have to extend that kindness to you. I could've left and immediately blocked you. But I didn't because I cared. I only unfollowed and blocked you after you started vague posting on main about me being there still. So I left.

Don't act like I did wrong by leaving when it's for my own comfort and safety. Like it or not, if you read the actual novels, Adam Moonlit is a justified reason for someone to leave a discord server. Not to mention, just like your canons affect you, my canons affect me. Had you not posted on your main blog vaguing me/others I would have stayed following you and perhaps we could have had a conversation later about things.

Please leave me/the others who left alone, we didn't do anything wrong by leaving a damn discord server civilly. Sending an ask like that to a public blog is really awful, especially singling people out like that and not giving full context to the situation.

-one of many ec kinnies

(sorry for sending this, I just needed to address that awful ask. I will not send anything further. )

Because of this ask, any confession vagueing irl people who are or aren't canon mates that have allegedly abandoned the confessor or cut ties or just dropped off the face of the earth are banned. I'm sorry you are hurt but this is the kind of venting that needs to go in your hello kitty diary, not a public forum.

I am sick of people not being able to take No For An Answer and drag this personal shit out into public on my blog.

One grow up and Two you're shitty person if you do this. I'm not saying abusive or manipulative, that's a specific scenario and a one off isn't necessarily a concrete habit so to speak. Also I know nothing of either of you so of course I'm not jumping to conclusions. Everyone needs a place to process their feelings and reactions. But this is not an appropriate place for it.

This is the second time and really it's embarrassing for you and ridiculous for everyone reading this blog.

OP I genuinely apologize and I'm sorry you had to be the quote unquote Learning Moment for me to put a stop to this in the first place. I'm sorry you have to explain personal shit in public like it's a really lousy version of Judge Judy Kin Edition.

Connie / mod party cat

ps if anyone is familiar with the situation, please keep it to yourself. There's enough personal stuff being aired out, nobody needs to know blog urls and IDing info. Thank you.

[lockmad]

I’m going to try to make this make sense, but no promises… but I’m also going to acknowledge that Tumblr is like a diary to me and I don’t expect anyone to read this but if you read it hello! 👋 I hope you are well

I’m really struggling right now… my grandmother just passed away and she truly meant the world to me and I don’t even feel like I’ve had the time to grieve.

I had to pick up my whole entire life and move in with my grandfather within a week, I’ve been with him for two weeks, and he is struggling in ways we didn’t predict. I am also struggling in ways I did not predict. I have clinical depression, but I thought I had learned the skills needed to deal with things like this… I need to give myself credit though because I’m dealing a lot better than I would’ve when I was 19 or 22.

I’ve put so much work into myself and I’m trying so hard but I am so tired of life kicking my ass. 

Life is hard for so many reasons, I think a lot of people my age feel it. The economy, climate change, the way the majority of men are acting in regards to dating, not even that, but the whole idea of dating now is so hard with social media.

No one puts themselves out there, and when I personally do put myself out there, no one responds. And I want to make it abundantly clear to myself, as well as others, that I am not an unattractive person. I think a lot of the time the people who are expressing this discomfort with the dating scene are being told that there’s something wrong with them, and I would like to acknowledge that sometimes, things are not your fault. I am not ugly. I am not hard to be around. I am not unlikable. I would be the best thing that has ever happened to the right person. Most men would be lucky to kiss the ground I walk on, and I mean that in the most polite way possible … 

I’m constantly struggling with the idea that I don’t have much time to love and enjoy life because climate change has put a countdown on my life in a way I don’t think any other generations have had to deal with

I feel like I’m going to spend the time I have left alone. And though I don’t see anything wrong with being alone that’s never been what I want.

I want companionship, I want partnership.

I’ve been single for over a year now and I’ve been single for chunks of my life before that and I’m learning to be comfortable with it. But it just isn’t what I want. And now I’m in the situation that I feel has set me back.

 I’m struggling with an abundance of emotions that no one seems to be able to empathize with and it all comes down to the fact that I am lonely…

I just don’t wanna be alone…

Anyway, I’m not sure any of that made sense. I’m really just trying to use any and every outlet I have to keep myself above ground. I don’t feel like I deserve this, I don’t feel like my grandfather deserves this, I don’t feel like my mother deserves this. I don’t understand why life is so painful and I just came to vent to the void or whoever you are reading this right now.

EDIT:  I also want to acknowledge, for my own sake, that my relationship with death is very complicated. I was raised very religiously, and I am an agnostic if anything. But truly, I’m not sure how anything like heaven could be real. My grandmother was a devoted Catholic and she’s gone. I don’t know how to understand that she’s just gone. I don’t think I’ll see her again someday, I don’t think her spirit is with me or is watching over me, she’s just gone and that’s honestly as horrifying as if I were to believe she could watch over me right now (which is a concept that gave me extreme anxiety as a child. The idea that my loved ones could watch and judge me from above) I have not grieved her properly yet. She was a very anxious woman herself, and chose to not have awake funeral or burial. When she died in the hospital, I kissed her forehead and she was gone. I will never see her again, and I have nothing to visit, no grave to put flowers on, and no closure.

Obviously, her thoughts and feelings were complicated. I could get into the details of my family dynamics and all that but I don’t know.. I can’t change anything so what’s the point, right? it’s all out of my control .. 

Ciao  

[chibabymumma]

This is my private Diary, obviously not that private as it's on Tumblr, but a place where I can scream, vent, cry and freak out without judgement from those close to me, I have to be balanced constantly which is battle.

A little bit about myself I am a mum of 4, 3 adults 1 toddler, the Toddler who will call little lion, has Congenital hyperinsulinemia, hypoglycemia,heart defect, peg fed, sensory issues, possible autism, non verbal, oral aversion and is literally a baby shark! If you can see the state of my arms you would believe me.

I just so need a safe space where I can find some sort of solace in my journey, of being a older mum navigating through the horrors of menopause after finally getting my autism diagnosis at age 49! And ADHD, with the sheer terror of having a little lion and about to be a grandma for the first time! Oh Goddess help me! And the new and improved tantrums now little lion has hit 3!! How do you cope with it? When my premenopausal self just literally wants to lay in the road with him and scream and shout at the injustice and sadness at the world, but no I move forward gently trying to get little lion to stop having a meltdown in the middle of the road, while he's biting my knuckles so hard they are swollen when I get home! All around me people are staring and tutting at me, I don't blame them he's a complete diva when he gets started, the ear piercing screams can shatter the sky, they certainly shatter my ears and my heart.

Little lion was a surprise. I wasn't expecting him, he just sort of arrived, I had at this point as well as my 3 adult children, 6 miscarriages. 3 very painful ones in the few years leading up to his arrival. My husband noticed first I thought the perimenopause had started and only did the test to say "nah see the changes have started" and there they were those 2 clear lines. I freaked out I'm not going to lie, Gave my poor husband a heart attack squealing and fainting. I remember the day so clearly one of my adult children had got COVID I was beside myself with worry this was the day the UK went into lockdown. My wee boy well man, was working ok a diary farm away to try and boost his funds, we had all just watched the news conference and I took the test reading about the effects of COVID lamenting my sadness and worry for my other boy, praying he would be ok, the world was a scary place. The test was next to me. As I read I got more and more panicked for him, I barely noticed the test I finally got my head out of the BBC news site I picked up the test and instantly had a meltdown! The joys of being me. And that was the start of this insane ever ongoing saga that is my life.

[harley-the-pancake]

This is just a post to try and keep things organized on my blog. If you want to know my pronouns, name I go by, age, etc, just look in my bio. I just reblog and post whatever I want.

I don’t have an official dni, I just don’t give a fuck half the time, as long as you aren’t a dick to others, you can stay

I also don’t mind people using ideas that I have, making things off of the ideas or fics I have, or tagging me in silly @ games.

I also have a second account I occasionally use as a studyblr, which is Pancake-tries-college.

My AO3 is Pancake_Overlord

I have two side blogs:

@pancake-tries-college is where I keep my adulting stuff

@bite-sized-pancakes is where I keep my little stuff cause I think I may be an age dreamer 👍

My pfp is made by a picrew from @wervty

Important sorting tags:

#vent chai latte - posts that are vents or emotional (I don’t always use it I am gonna be honest)

#diary posting - a new tag I’ll be using when I ramble about emotions, meds or just more personal things that are not about my school or friends (LATER HARLEY UPDATE: It is also becoming a bit of less fun school stuff tag, eg talking with professors, getting homework done, etc)

#Into the datemate pile - a tag that I use just to save & share things with my datemate, who does not have an active tumblr

#ph anon of the opera - my ask tag. It does not matter if you are anon or no, you are all ph anon in my eyes hearts (I also have a tendency of hoarding my asks but be free to still send me asks)

#ask game - just replies I’m saving from like descriptions of me or ask games

#my wife saga - my datemate is studying abroad then researching in idaho so I’m being dramatic. This will be happening for 3 months.

Tell me if I need to tag anything for you

From @hee-blee-art

Posts that I feel like sharing:

A post I made about saving Rats SMP vods and led to some decent archives. I did nothing, but it has the link to the document that has a whole lot of links so!

A post I made with a document that I use to save a whole lot of MCC vods and a few VODs I have saved myself

Not an important post, however it’s a post I love and I want to keep on my pinned for when I want to see. It entails some games of One Night Ultimate Werewolf for my datemate’s birthday

This isn’t a post of mine, but I wanted to save Tumblr fairy tales

A ramble on the life series from my datemate. Read it. This is a threat /silly

A list of things to cheer anyone up ^-^

Candy for any trick or treaters who don’t want to send an ask

Best video ever

Datemate poll

[until-i-devour-you]

A little vent post, cuz this is a vent blog, after all.

I'm always thinking I'm faking it for attention.

It doesn't matter what "it" is.

It doesn't matter if I have all the evidence and reasons for "it" to be legit.

There are a few examples I'm getting paranoid about, lately.

I have the suspect of being autistic. I started suspecting it a couple of years ago, I have tons of signs of autism in every aspect of my Life. I talked about it with an handful of trusted people, two of them were recently able to get a professional diagnosis, and always told me I'm one of the few people who understands their sensory issues or certain ways of thinking. One of them actually decided to take the occasion to get diagnosed cuz they thought I already had one, and they thought that maybe they're autistic too. They are. I'm not telling about it to whoever will listen, I believe in self diagnosis but I highly doubt myself because I don't have the money for an official one and I don't want to end up fooling myself because I obsess over things, but what if I'm faking it for attention?

I'm a trans man. I never felt like a girl. A post on Tumblr about Marilyn Manson made me discover the word "transexual" and I finally understood who I am. I was 17 at the time, now I'm 26. I'm trans, I know it, and for safety reasons only my family and my friends know about it, irl. But what if I'm faking it for attention?

I'm punk. DIY is basically what I live for, I'm actively avoiding Amazon and other services like that as much as I can - I have to make exceptions for my special needs pets' sake, since the stupid city I live into doesn't even have a pet store, let alone specific things I need for my pets -, I've always trying to support small business even by just talking about them with my friends if I can't buy, I have the main punk values, I listen to the music. I try to inform others about the crimes big corporations are doing - don't get me started on Nestle -, and I actively try to help others. Only a year ago I started dressing punk, with my lil' thrifted clothes I'm having fun painting and modifying, but heh, I didn't have the opportunity to do this sooner. Then, Across The Spider-Verse came out and I'm happy people remember once again about Hobie's existence, yeah, I love him, but he's making me doubt if I'm really punk, because what if I'm faking it for attention?

I'm pagan. I work with Loki, Hel and Fenrir. I used to work with Thor too, before starting to work with Hel. I truly believe in them, I've always felt close to Norse Paganism since I was a toddler, always reading about it, always fascinated by it. Learning runes felt so natural, I always use them to write in my diary and there's nothing that brings me more inner peace than meditating and working with the Deities I worship. It's not something I yell around, it's something personal, private, and despite having this piece of information on some accounts' bio, I talk about it only if people ask, but what if I'm faking it for attention?

Am I really myself?

Do I really think what I think? Do I really feel what I feel?

Am I really the person others know?

Do I really believe in what I believe? Do I really care about what I care?

What if I'm faking it for attention?

[suugrbunz]

Hi! firstly I've to say that I love your blog sm :'))

I wanted to ask you if I could send you a ship request :3 for band of brothers and the pacific :)

I'm around 170cm (5'5"), kinda pale, brunette-ginger hair to the shoulders, blue eyes, average weight, half italian half ukrainian.

I'm an INFP with just a couple of friends, I find hard to keep small conversation, preferring deeper ones. also I consider myself a really loving, romantic and calm person, not into parties or whatever. As I'm finishing classical studies I developed a huge passion for the Divine Comedy and history. I'm really great at cooking and I'm into handcrafting, traveling (preferably by train), taking pictures, playing the piano, watching films and cats.

I love pleasing people (in a good non-toxic way) by trying in any way to be as helpful as possible. my love language is a mixture of all of them but mainly acts of service. I often feel as people don't really understand me, so I tend to keep quiet all the time, but ending up venting on my diary. I believe my biggest dream is to get married to a loving man and start my own family :) <3

💕💕💕

I had to set this up seven times because Tumblr kept glitching. I have a basic outline for my ship posts if everyone hasn't noticed. Every time I'd have it set up, it just wouldn't save. I'm not angry at anyone I just somehow found the worst glitch. And I need to express that information. However, I wanted to originally state that, “This took me a bit of time because I was attempting to figure out how to set up two ships in one post. I am a bit particular about how my posts appear, especially my ships.”

꒰ I ship you with . . . Richard Winters εïз ꒱

Your first meeting was by chance, you two had accidentally backed up into each other at a small gathering hosted by a mutual friend. Initially, he was apologetic for his clumsiness.

The apologies seized as he appeared a little awestruck by you. Though, he wasn't sure how to handle that. His face was red and he nodded as you accepted his apologies and explained it was just a simple accident, no need for so many apologies.

need i say when he initially fell in love? I think it's obvious babes.

By the end of the little party (?), he had decided to ask you on a date. Just a restaurant date, it was a place he had gone to a few times before. It was one of his favourites.

Your first kiss was (shockingly) initiated by him!! One night he couldn't help but kiss you, it was such a perfect moment. You two had gone to a dance ?? sockhop ?? together.

He kept you close most of the dance, you didn't really have to interact with anyone but each other. As a song draws to a close, he pulls away from you. Only to press a kiss to your lips.

I could picture Richard reading you stories when you're tired

or helping you cook/cooking with you.

He'd buy cute DIY projects for you two.

Annie's Song by John Denver (my mother used this as a lullaby for me, it's such a sweet song.)

꒰ I ship you with . . . Eugene Sledge εïз ꒱

You two met in a bookstore, he saw you from afar and was fairly interested in the books you had held in a stack. For a minute, he finds it hard to approach you.

Obviously, he is an introverted individual and that introversion can turn into shyness around someone he fancies.

He felt a crush develop around the first time you met... Though, a crush isn't love.

Love developed after a few dates. He wasn't sure how to go about confessing, so he wrote a note. After dropping the note off at your house, he booked it. (I feel this in my soul)

Your first date was at a movie theater, really simple and calmed his anxiety. He was fearful about talking to you again now that a hangout is labeled a date.

Being quiet and enjoying each other's presence was the perfect way to handle his overwhelming emotions for you.

Your first kiss was on the forehead ... After a few dates. A few dates after that, he gave your lips a rather delicate kiss. His arm gently wrapped around your waist.

He writes you poems and letters... It's so sweet. Anything he cannot verbally communicate is perfectly communicated in writing.

The song I assign you two would be Like Real People Do by Hozier.

[digitallumian]

I know i said i wouldn’t post writings on my blog since it wasn’t good enough but uh i wanna see what tumblr thinks

MASSIVE TW: Mentions of Overdosing, bullying, suicide, drugs, Thoughts of self harm

I feel like i forgot to add more tw’s but its 5am/srs and I can’t remember if i need to add more

Some Context:

This is an AU of a Kaiju Paradise rp me and a friend made where what we think would have happened if these Characters weren’t exposed to Laminax Labs at a Young age.

>Two ocs, Buck and Blaxor, are not mine and therefore, don’t have much written about them here. <

This is told from the perspective of Kanade Yukimura, an Idol/Popstar which gives an explanation as to why she takes a break near two specific dates each year since the beginning of her career in an interview with a Journalist. Below is what was said in the interview.

Ever since Fourth Grade, Me and my friends had to deal with our own personal issues that we’d tell each other, One of us had it bad. Koneko was one of my closest friends. We did everything together and we even started dreaming of becoming idols together. when we hit fourth grade Koneko started being bullied by some kids in a higher grade than us. At first, it started as just insults on her comfort clothing and Interests and Koneko was able to take it because she knew it was ‘weird’ and that's why she liked it, but the bullying soon escalated and started getting physical.

The kids, who were in seventh grade, would Constantly push and shove Koneko when they got the chance to and Koneko seemed to try her best to not engage because whenever I and our friends convinced her to go to teachers, counselors, or even the principal about it but they’d just tell her to ignore it or ignore her. One day those bullies pushed Koneko down the stairs and she was rushed to the hospital, she awoke a week or two later, and I was so happy she was alive that I didn't care about anything else, this is when Koneko started to spiral deeper and deeper into depression though. In first grade, Koneko started drawing, and by fifth grade, she started showing us her drawings.

At first, her drawings were adorable usually drawings of her special interests at the time such as Pokemon, Vocaloid, or My Little Pony but the bullying started getting worse, Koneko couldn't go into the hallways without being harassed by her bullies, and watching her suffer pained me. I tried to help, I tried to protect her but we were younger and weaker and I already suffer from a condition that makes me even weaker than I already am so every time I tried to help I always failed and I’d be forced to watch as she got hurt over and over after I was harmed.

By seventh grade, Koneko’s drawings started getting concerning. It went from just fan art of her favorite media to more gore and vent art, she always disguised it as her own original characters or from series like The Evilious Chronicles and I didn't want to question her about it as I didn't want to seem pushy or even seem like I'm trying to be invasive of her personal problems.

Koneko always carried a diary, she never let anyone read it and kept it to herself due to it being one of the only times she could talk about her problems. Buck, Blaxor, and I knew she was Genderfluid and how she liked girls, she had written that in her journal because what kid wouldn't? After all a journal is a kid's written safe space after all. Somehow during P.E. One of the bullies broke into the locker Koneko’s diary was in and stole it, During lunch we used to sit together at the lunch tables and that's when it happened, The kid who had her journal and outed out many of her secrets including her gender identity and preference, She never stepped a foot in that cafeteria again.

Eighth grade rolled around and Koneko had become a shadow of her former self, she stopped drawing and burned her journal one day, she started falling asleep in class and would push me, Blaxor, and Buck away and no matter how hard we tried to help her, she never let us. One day Koneko got access to drugs, I can’t remember what grade we were in but I remember that day very clearly up to a certain point.

I went to visit Koneko that day because I was worried about her, Blaxor’s Dad had to pick her up because she had expressed thoughts of self-harm in one of her assignments and Konekos father was supposed to keep watch of her due to ‘the schools concern with things at home’, Konekos sibling Hex wasn’t home and was at military school so when I entered I was hoping that at least Konekos father was at least there, but the house was empty, I felt a sinking feeling, I slowly walked to Koneko’s room hoping that the feeling would go away and started asking if she's okay and if I could come in. There wasn’t an answer so I said I was going to go in and check on her, I gently opened the door... and Koneko was there.. on the floor with a bottle of pills in her hand.

I froze, I didn’t know what to do, I must have blacked out or I blocked out that part of the memory because the next thing I knew, I, Blaxor, and Buck were at the hospital, I was praying to every God possible at that moment, Hoping that Koneko would wake up and be okay. Luckily she woke up and I was so happy about it that I started crying, all that mattered to me at that moment was that she was alive. She was sent to a mental health facility after she was discharged from the hospital and I would visit along with Buck and Blaxor, she seemed so much happier there. When Koneko returned to school the bullying started again and it got worse.

Someone told the whole school about Koneko’s suicide attempt and being at the mental hospital and so many people would say horrible things. It was from things like “she's crazy” and “she's unstable” to things like “You should try again” or “Next time you try to overdose do it right”, This caused Koneko to Push everyone further away and it got to the point the only time she talked to us it'd be online with our group chat and even then it would always be with short phrases.

I Liked her, Like really liked her, I never told her though because of my fear of rejection but I wish I could go back and tell her that I loved her because I look back and realized that maybe those three words would have saved her.

It was ninth grade and the school year was nearly over, we just had three months left and at this point, Koneko never talked to me or the others as much as she used to. They had broken her down and she went from a young and hopeful child with dreams to someone I didn't even recognize anymore, she lost her spark and what made her so joyful. I realize it now but Koneko had been planning it for a while because one day she seemed so happy and gave Blaxor, Buck, and me her most valuable and sentimental things. She gave me a lot of her stuff like her guitar. I should have realized what she was doing due to the sudden shift in behavior because...

it took her away from me...

It was a Thursday and It was lunchtime. I was eating on the rooftop because we no longer sat in the cafeteria after the incident, I saw Koneko come from inside the building and walked to the Fence that surrounded the school's roof. I saw her climbing it and my vision started getting blurry and I started blacking out as I realized what she was doing, I screamed her name to try to get her to stop but as my vision cleared...

She was gone.

I don't remember much after she jumped. According to people who were there, I tried to climb the fence too but two kids grabbed me and held me back telling me that I had so much to live for and just trying to calm me down. The school was put on lockdown after a while. I could feel my phone Vibrating like crazy as Blaxor and Buck spammed the group chat. I didn't care. She was gone. I couldn't stop her. I knew she was suffering. I knew she was hurting, I saw the signs and I didn't do anything. An hour later, the school called the parents to pick up their kids as there was an incident at the school. Buck and Blaxor found me on the rooftop with the two other kids as no one came to get us. Of course they wouldn’t, that school didn’t care about us.

Buck and Blaxor tried to ask me questions but I couldn't hear anything, I could only hear a high pitch as I tried to process everything, I just refused to believe it. We went home and I just locked myself in my room, I refused to eat dinner or even any food after that, I felt sick, I felt like I was to blame because I saw the signs if I did something she would still be here. I felt disgusted in myself because I felt that because I didn't help her, I was just as disgusting as those kids that pushed her over the edge.

I didn't go to school for a month, and I refused to face the kids who were the reason Koneko was gone, turns out she survived the fall and was in a coma, I felt a sense of hope that she would be okay but...

Koneko’s father decided to just let her go...

Now she was truly gone...

I spiraled and barely ate any food, I just couldn't bring myself to be able to eat because of flashbacks to that day. It hurt and it still does. I considered self-harm and even considered Suicide to escape the pain I was experiencing that barely anyone took seriously.

I returned to school a month later and talk about that day was still happening. I couldn't take it, I felt sick, I started getting dizzy, and passed out. I remember waking up in the nurse's office and she asked me if I was okay. She's the only one who cared about any of us, She was a mandated reporter though so I lied and said I was okay.

That same day an assembly about suicide was scheduled to happen, it also served as a memorial for Koneko. I hate that school, and I still hate it to this day, During the assembly, I blocked out everything the school said because it was all a lie, It was just lies and I hated it, I heard kids snickering and laughing during the assembly, I felt sick again, I hated being there. I walked out of the gym, Shaking and in tears and called my mom to take me home early.

I convinced my mom to let me stay home the rest of the year as I couldn't take being there anymore, she told me that I still would have to attend school next year which I agreed to.

I look back at everything that happened and I wish I did something, I still blame myself for it and I’ve been told that it’s not my fault but if I just did something she would still be here.

...

I kept her diary and her guitar. Her father reluctantly gave me her phone with everything still on it, I never changed anything on it.

On her birthday and on her deathdate. I always play her favorite song on her guitar or the piano with Koneko’s Brother, Hex. I listen to the music she used to listen to, watch the media she used to indulge in, and even try do things that she wished to do in life, Such as becoming an Idol.

I might be crazy for doing all of this but I don't care about what others might say. That school and the people in it broke a girl who simply wanted to grow up like every other person on this damn hellscape of a planet. I’ll keep living and I’ll fight on as a way to Inspire others like we wanted to do.

Just for her.

[occultis-aperta]

Ones and Zeros

Finally coming to terms with the fact that I need to vent and start writing everything down. The realization that you’re not as resilient as you thought you were, takes a hard swing on your face bringing you back to a cold -yet eerily familiar- reality. Insomnia has indeed taken the best of me and I’m sorry to say that these words have no real mind behind them- rather than a rush to be heard.

So, I guess I’m gonna be one of those people now. Having a Tumblr diary. Venting to a bunch of strangers asking for opinions. Or just waiting to see whether someone will finally understand. I despise diary people. So whoever might be reading this now. Hello friend. I’m sorry you’re brought in this awkward position of reading about a teenager's life and problems, but let’s face it. Sometimes we need other people's problems to forget our own. But in this case, you're not. This is just me; getting through life, as well as I’m able to. Venting to strangers is easier than to people you know. People that you care about. People have weird reactions to whatever they consider disturbs their normalcy bubble, shit gets complicated. Here all I see are faceless usernames and emotionless responses in the comments, written in the same font. Makes this whole endeavor easier for sure.

I’ve noticed how the masks fall when the screen brightens and you have another voice, an outlet. Having a face comes with responsibility, writing stuff online…well it’s less to carry. I guess That’s what I want. Time to get rid of my meaningless identity, my burden. Could I ask you kind stranger to just stand there as a mere enthusiast of my writing? Could I ask you to wear your mask? Could I ask for your colorless lens to see through my life?

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Enjoy the ride.

[kart0]

meds update plus vent

I think if you follow me and read these you can probably tell that I use my Tumblr account as a diary to vent and post art, it's literally the one social media I DONT use bc I don't know how it works and most people don't see these anyways

so I'll keep updating about how I feel and stuff

today is day 3 on antidepressants.

first day was rough, I definitely had a mental breakdown but I am pretty sure it wasn't the meds. I felt a bit dizzy at dinner tho

second day I felt super dizzy, and I didn't eat much, I think it makes me lose my appetite. but I was able to finish the two uni projects I had to submit on the day. I felt very productive. whether this was the meds or not, I don't know. probably it's the placebo effect.

third day, I feel very tired. yet, I am on my period and we travelled to meet family members ( it was very good to see them again, they're mostly elder aunties, and we didn't see them bc of the pandemic ) but I got a headache that didn't really stop and I took a pill. I'm still having this headache, it's a dull, sorta there but not incapacitating. So, I'm feeling very tired, but still, who knows if it's bc of the antidepressants. it's been a hectic day either way. I feel my body buzzing though, and time is weird. but ! I know it can take one to two weeks for the antidepressants start working, so I think I'm just really exhausted from life basically. the mental breakdown I had on the first day really REALLY took a toll on me

I'm currently trying to sleep earlier and wake up in the morning so I can take my meds. it's currently 1:40AM but it's way better than before. I was usually sleeping at 3-4AM. On the first night I went to sleep at 3:00AM, on the second night I was able to sleep at 2:30AM, and now, it's 1:41AM and I think I'll be able to sleep at 2AM after posting this.

I feel tired, and tomorrow ( today ) we have our elections and I feel a bit stressed because of it. and on the upcoming week, it's exam week, and there are a lot of uni projects due as well, so I already know it's probably going to be hard on me. I'm a bit worried that I will get too dizzy to take my exams, and it'll affect my performance. but I guess I can talk to the teachers or something.

I need to open as well commissions, I got into a gacha hole and it was really predatory and, while I didn't get in any financial trouble, it ate up basically all my savings that I kept since I was 12. And I'm still trying really really hard to stop this addiction. Whenever I get the impulse to waste more money I have to pause, breathe deep, look into my sketchbook ( I wrote how much I spent in total, and I wrote goals and promises ) and close the game. It sucks and I feel terrible, for spending and not spending. I know it's of course not worth it, yet the immediate rewards really do kind of brainwash and condition you to keep spending more. So, my goal is to stop spending, get back all the money I spent, maybe selling commissions, but I'm not sure yet but art is the only thing I'm good at. and once I get my money back, I'll lock it. and then, if I do make a profit, then I will use it to treat myself ( rather on games or not ). I'm trying really hard guys, I promise I am

I know it sounds so fucking stupid but I'm actually trying my best. I know it's not enough but I'm trying to be kinder to myself, and to take baby steps. We can't create or stop habits overnight and I really want to get better.

I'll probably keep updates like this: day 3 ( yesterday ), day 5, day 7, day 10, day 15, day 20, day 25, and day 30 ( which then I'll get a new prescription and maybe different meds or different dosages depending on how I feel )

that's all I had to say, pretty big update and a lot of venting.. if you read it til the end, thank you.

[borderline-reorder]

vent trigger warning for various things kind of a diary entry

I am really struggling. It’s been consistently downhill ever since my nieces screamed at me the other week. I’m still not over that. I can barely convince myself to sleep most nights, and usually need to take three or four Ativan to fall asleep and stop panicking.

Fortunately they will not be over this week so I will have some respite from the screaming. Like, I love them and I get that they are just kids, but I can only handle them in very small doses. That’s just how I am with children. Children scare me. A lot. And my nieces, whether they meant to or not, made this home unsafe for me. I am constantly on edge, constantly on the verge of a panic attack. Constantly overwhelmed. I need to move. My mom is my co-signer and she says she will work on it in Wednesday but that isn’t soon enough for me. I need out sooner. I need to be packed and leaving as soon as possible. I need a space that feels safe and like my own.

So, today. I woke up at 4:30am already panicking. I don’t know why. Maybe a dream? Maybe a nightmare? No clue. But it was rough. So I take two ativan (one doesn’t do shit for me and I am talking to my doctor about getting a stronger dose), and make my coffee and go about my morning routine and things seem to stabilize. I was tired and upset because I was up at 4:30 instead of sleeping in, but what can you do. But I read the news and donated to Kamala Harris and that was nice. Read over some nice comments I got on my fanfic and thought maybe my day wouldn’t be so bad.

And then, at 9, I go to make another cup of coffee. I sit down on the couch, set the coffee on the end table, and my cat jumps up and knocks it off, spilling the whole thing and chipping the mug. I feel bad about it but I screamed her name and what the fuck. I could have calmed down from that much. But no. My mom opens the inside stairs door and asks if me everything is okay and I shout at her that I need to move as soon as possible. I slam my door as hard as I can. Callie never acted like this until we moved here.

Callie runs and hides. I have intense intrusive thoughts about kicking her and throwing her against the wall. I cry. I clean up the spill and mop the area. I make a new cup of coffee.

I am over touched and overwhelmed and my other cat starts to climb the cat stairs at the foot of the couch to come calm me down. I shout at her too. She runs away. I hate myself. I move the cat stairs far away. I am still having intrusive thoughts about hurting Callie, so I put away her favorite toys and throw out ones she never used to punish her. To take some form of action in ththe hopes that the thoughts stop. They do not. Callie and Boo are now both hiding.

I put on my osha earphones and turn on some lofi music and listen to it for an hour while drinking coffeee and reading the news. Kamala Harris made a lot of money in under 24 hours. This is good. This uplifts my mood slightly.

It is now 10am. Mom and I go to Burger King to get diet cokes and drop off lemon bars we made. They are very happy about that. Mom does not mention me screaming at her. I do not wear my earphones, but I want to. I want to pretend I am normal so I do not wear them.

I put them back on as soon as we get home. Mass Effect lofi. I reread the comments I got on my fanfic. I receive two letters from my penpal Manuel but I am too sad to read them. I wait. Maybe I will feel better later. I read the news. I might have scrolled tumblr. I am still having intrusive thoughts, so I throw out old clothes in the trash and expired kitchen ingredients. Maybe that will fix it and makI th thoughts go away.

It does not.

Sometime later I give up and lay down for bed without eating breakfast or lunch. I want to sleep until the next day when I hope I will feel better. It was maybe 2pm.

I woke up at 5pm. My depression worsens. Both the cats ar out of hiding. I am still upset. I throw away more shirts. I still have the intrusive thoughts about hurting Callie. They are getting worse as the day goes on. I throw out my kitchen knife to make it stop. It does not.

My best friend is awake so we texted about our days. I relayed much of the above. I put the earphones on and turn on music to drown out the intrusive thoughts. I tell her it would have bbeen better for me to hurt myself than punish Callie by taking away her favorite toys. I still think this. I am considering it deeply.

I listen to lofi on the osha earphones until 7:15 when mom and I go get sodas. I ask her to stop texting me every time zh goes somewhere and tell her I do not care or want to know. I have been having intrusive thoughts about my mom lately. Those will certainly go away when I move. I need to move. Soon. Soon. Soon. I can’t take this.

We order our sodas. My agoraphobia is back so I ask for four. The ladies in the drive through laugh at me. I try not to cry. I am just having a hard time going places on my own. I just wanted enough to last all day tomorrow. I am crying as I write this. It really hurt my feelings. I will get two tomorrow and force myself to drive the next day because I do not want to be laughed at. I can’t handle being laughed at. It’s too much. I want to take the lemon bars back.

We get home. I put my sodas in my fridge and organize them until I feel less like crying. I find more things to throw out. Tea I never drank because I don’t have a real kitchen and it is hard to make tea up here.

I talked to my BFF for a while but she stopped responding. Maybe she went to sleep. I’m not tired yet. I napped and it was a mistake. I just wanted to feel better. I took five more Ativan after she stopped responding in the hopes it would help me sleep. Nothing. I am too keyed up. Too upset. Still crying about being laughed at.

I finally took the earphones off because it is almost 11pm and it is quiet now. But the thoughts are still there.

I want to hurt myself. I had a bad bad bad day. I want to hurt myself. But my arms are covered in tattoos. And it’s not the same on your legs. Not as magical. I have lighters still even though I quit smoking. I could burn myself. But I’ve never been good at that. I could punch my legs until they bruise. That one sounds like a decent alternative and I will give it some thought.

I guess I’m not sleeping any time soon. I guess I will open the fridge and have a Diet Coke since they are my comfort drink and I can pretend I am happy when I am drinking one.

My self harm urges aren’t even real urges more like intrusive thoughts. Maybe I should put the earphones back on.

I guess I’ll go read the news or something now. Find a way to pass the time. Wait to be tired. Wait to be less overwhelmed.

[scarluxia]

alright, i'm taking to The Tumblr for this just to get some thoughts and feelings out. I've written in my diary and bitched to friends ad nauseum about this but... And I'm not censoring my fucking thoughts so if this comes off ✨problematic✨, fucking touch grass and cope.

So I had this friend since 2016, and I mean, sure, there were some red flags in hindsight in our interactions. Going back and reading our old conversations, she's extremely self-involved and seems more interested in appearing concerned than actually helping someone's emotional situation improve, and then she fuckin pats herself on the back for her Cracker Jack wisdom. But we became buddies and she made me some edits for one of my old accounts and that was nice.

2017 I had all this drama with guys who, essentially, I'd start dating them, I'd get attached, and they'd ghost me. She was THERE seeing all my fuckin post about what neglect, ghosting, and abandonment did to me and all the shit from my past it brought up to the forefront. That's relevant later.

2018 we have a few fandoms and boy-crushes in common. She knows about some specific *cough* issues I have and recommends me a fic for a ship that 50/50 would have that dynamic. The fic was absolutely terrible and I told her straight-up "I'm never reading anything you recommend me ever again", to her confusion. When asked, I explained what I didn't like about it and she acted all confused, but I figured she wasn't smart enough to get it at my level and I didn't feel like delving into a big conv about it.

2019 (?) this show comes out that's diametrically opposed to my religion and she B E G S me to watch it so I can RP one of the main boys for her. I explained more than once that it was against my religion and seemed too dark for me anyway, to which she replied (gleeful) "It gets SO MUCH DARKER AND COOLER later!" Yeah I dropped the subject again because it's not worth getting mad enough to smash her ✨oblivious✨ head in with a mallet, whatever.

2020 we've both got new babies and I'm quietly comparing and contrasting our parenting styles. Can't remember if it's here or next year when I video call her for the first time freaking out about how to calm down my baby when my husband's out of the house. (Spoilers: Newborns hate EVERYTHING and everything makes them cry. For anyone who needs to see it, you're not a bad parent if your baby bursts into tears at the drop of a hat. They're also highly empathetic so your stress makes them even MORE stressed, which is great for those of us with pre-existing emotional dysregulation, amirite?)

2021 I'm browsing for shows to watch and ooh, this one looks interesting! The title is something I've been called and the premise is something I would totally do if I had the resources! So I start watching it and it's like the perfect mix of hilarious, cringey, relatable, and schadenfreude. Also, it's a musical. So anyway there's this guy who shows up in a few episodes who is EVERYTHING. He's sweet-natured, out-of-touch in that he does things that would be scary out-of-context but he means them in a nice way, BUILT AF, successful, with a great smile and dimples, and his actor just radiates this wholesome energy. He's so much fun to watch and I immediately PM my friend and say, "You've got to watch this show with me, you're gonna love this character." I also vent to anyone who will listen (and catch some heat for it in the fan groups because WAAAH PROBLEMAAATIC) about how the main girl did him dirty, took advantage of his kindness, led him on, etc. And like I predicted, she absolutely fell in love with this character as much as I did.

So we started writing together. We'd had a few casual threads here and there with our OC's and we knew a couple friends in common but I'd never really been invested in anything. This, I was HARDCORE into. We were gonna write a fanfic and it was gonna turn into a book and I was just so excited! Yeah problem was, now I felt obligated to watch the show she had wanted me to watch back in 2019, like a... you scratch my back, I scratch yours. Anyway, yeah so, not to suck my own dick but the ship from MY show would actually work with a little bit of work. The ship she proposed from HER show? uhhhh would not work with the OC she chose; it's completely OOC for the guy she wanted me to play to show any kind of interest in that OC. But I figure, you know what, she's being nice and letting me drag her into this fandom so I'll be nice and not play her dream boy as the misogynistic prick he is in canon.

Then my characters sort into dynamics that intrigue me from a psychological perspective. I'm not sure how much of it I let happen and how much of it I made happen, if that makes sense to fellow writers. Like ok, character A on my side attacks character B for power reasons. Character B has displayed masochistic tendencies in canon, both physically and emotionally, and he gets bodied more than once so ykw I figure he's into it. Problem is, my Character A is shipped with her Character Z, and Character Z doesn't like it.

even though canonically, character Z would totally be down for a devil's threesome.

but WHATEVER, so, her reaction is confusing to me, and I try to explain Character A's point of view, like, now that he's inadvertently got Character B in love with him, he can't just abandon Character B, because he knows firsthand what that psychological damage does (psst: Character Z did similar to character A in canon). And Character Z's reaction is basically, "But you're not responsible for the feelings of those around you." Which fucking BAFFLED ME.

So naturally our minds being so different led to some conflicts that we did manage to sort out in side-chat/DMs. Then we started bantering in DMs alongside the main RPs that were happening. Enter the next problem: her OC for Verse 2. This chick has

☑ a dead mother

☑ an abusive father

☑ a kid brother on behalf of whom she takes extra beatings from their dad

☑ purity culture taken to its logical extreme-- she's not just a virgin at the tender age of 24, she's a SUPER VIRGIN!

☑ her family's been exiled from various different states due to her father's misuse of power

☑ EXTREME UNTAPPED POTENTIAL in a type of magic uncommon to canon!

☑ a crush on the canon her admin wants me to play (who's her married professor expecting children btw)

☑ the jealousy of all her classmates for... no known reason!

☑ a ZOMG WORST ENEMY (also an OC) who shows up in like two seconds

My sister and editor doesn't like the term "Mary Sue", but like... if you've got another succinct way to describe this chick, be my fuckin guest. In the main RP she actually wasn't too bad, but dear GOD, the fucking SIDE CHATS! You couldn't throw a spitball without hitting one of her shills! This rubbed one of my characters-- let's call him Character N, who was shipped to one of her characters-- let's call him Character G-- the wrong way when G was paying unwarranted attention to MS. And when I say "unwarranted", I mean both "What she was doing wasn't worth the OOH'S and AHH'S," and "Canonically, G would literally catch a grenade for N, and wouldn't even THINK of ignoring him in favor of anyone else."

I tried, both in and out of character, to explain what was so fucking annoying about MS, and her admin's response was basically just refusing to get it. At one point there was a conversation between our characters that went something like:

"I don't understand why you hate her so much!"

"UGH I've explained this fifty fucking times. I'm not getting into it with you again because you refuse to fucking OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EARS AND LISTEN."

"See, you can't even come up with a reason!"

But I mean, I was emotionally invested in continuing my verse's RP and she was emotionally invested in continuing her verse's RP so I did my best to just talk to her person-to-person and say, "Listen, this here is a problem for me so how do we deal with it?" Nowadays I don't know why I fucking bothered. Anyway, that conv was in September or so and we were still going pretty strong for a while!

November/December I noticed she was tapering off more. Things kept coming up. They sounded plausible and innocuous at first like "oh my friends kidnapped me to go kayaking" or like "it's really hard to get my son to sleep so i have to go for the rest of the night." I tried not to let it get to me because everyone gets busy, but then I noticed there was a new person she was writing with during the times she claimed she was too busy to talk to me. You know, rather than saying, "Sorry, I'm caught up in this plotline with so-and-so and I'm going to have to put our project on hold for a little while, but feel free to continue it without me," like a fucking adult.

So mental health things started happening with me. Extreme depression, thrill-seeking, taking more of prescriptions than I was supposed to or like multiple downers at a time that I wasn't supposed to mix. She performed concern but looking back, I doubt she actually felt it.

So the person she was chatting with had a screen name that's indicative of one of my lifelong special interests and I thought, "You know, this person seems actually really cool." So I add and start chatting. At the time I thought "him" and this person's pronoun-neutral so that's what I'ma go with. He actually is super fucking awesome. His characters are intricate; he's so creative with backstory; bantering with him, whether or not I know the fandom, is an absolute joy. We're among each other's best friends to this day. Anyway so at first, yeah, we're all bantering and it's chill. Friend 1 suggests a group chat for banter and things. Friend 2 and I have amazing writing chem and bounce off each other sooo fuckin easily, like, there's one ship he actually warned me against because my favorite OC is the opposite of his canon's type... but they actually ended up having great chemistry AND he (admin) helped me figure out how to get his character's attention!

Friend 1 was... weird... about it, like, I remember thinking at the time that she gave off the vibe of a tagalong trying too hard to be one of the cool kids, butting into threads on main that she had no business butting into. At the time I also judged Friend 2 for not asking her to stay out of threads she wasn't tagged in, but present-day I understand that Friend 2 doesn't like conflict or pushing people away & didn't want to get in the middle of things he believed were going on between Friend 1 and me. We both got frustrated and irritated with her and vented privately to each other about things we'd noticed-- first with her characters and then with her as a person.

It was... a while... before Friend 2 told me that Friend 1 had warned him off me. Friend 2 was skeptical of me as a person because he was told that I was clingy, pushy, this-and-that. Which is weird to me because I had asked Friend 1 in the past, before meeting Friend 2, "Am I being too much? I'm sorry to push you on this thread, is this okay?" Like I constantly checked in to make sure I wasn't pushing any real-life boundaries. So for her to say that about me was really disingenuous.

Then I think Friend 2 started noticing Friend 1 had gone off him a bit in favor of another new shiny. I don't remember if this came up before or after the Big Fight, but Friend 2 brought up an excuse Friend 1 had made that didn't match up with either something Friend 1 had told me or something we saw her posting about. Anyway that sparked a whole new series of conversations between Friend 2 and me.

February 2, 2022. I'd started getting fed up with Friend 1's transparent excuses and neglect. I'd started being a bit more passive-aggressive than I really should be and she got super butthurt over things that plausibly could have been about someone else because she knew what she was doing; she was just mad about me """retaliating""" or whatever. She went on this fuckin rant out of ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE, calling my OC a Mary Sue, calling me a hypocrite, saying she's sick of my OC insulting her canon (it's IN-FUCKING-CHARACTER but go off), and then blocking me before I can respond, because you know, she's almost a decade older than me and wanted to showcase her shining maturity, I GUESS.

So about my character-- she KNEW my OC did not like her canon. There were things in my OC's background, Character S, that made them basically the nemesis of hers, Character R. So yes it was fully IC for S to call R a "fat slut", even though I as a person would never fucking say that about R. Meanwhile, she had this OC for another verse-- everything was crossover-- who had healing powers similar to what S has. Mine just happened to get to Friend 2's character first, and she got all jealous and butthurt instead of taking it OOC and saying //hey next time I'd appreciate it if you gave me a chance to heal him, because your character gets 90% of the spotlight// or whatever.

Anyway, things had become so bad by this point that probably on both sides we had people saying "you should probably unfriend them", but it was a huge shock to my system because I didn't even have a chance to defend myself or talk things out. Like, I was SURE this shit was a misunderstanding! And this was... a week? ish? after she'd said something to the effect of "you guys will never be able to get rid of me, I love you so much" to both of us.

I'ma leave out a few of the behaviors I resorted to but none of it was harmful to her. Fast-forward to June (I think?) 2022. I'd been devastated for months, like, Loki noticed I could barely fucking function. He'd sent her a message telling her to get her fucking head out of her ass. Meanwhile Friend 2 had felt caught in the middle and just gone on hiatus. Impetus for that was, I was frustrated with a project I was working on and I didn't tell him because I wanted to keep it a surprise; at the same time, Friend 1 was paranoid about me """stalking""" her and kept asking, "Is this her? Is this her?" to which of course the person who's known me for two months is going to have a concrete answer, amirite?

So out of nowhere in June/July/something, I get a message from Friend 1 on Discord, Instagram, maybe another platform? apologizing and wanting to talk. I was fucking ecstatic! I got to have my friend back?! I hate losing people so I was over the moon and so ready to just put the past in the past. We VC'd for a bit and then she unblocked & re-added my known Facebook accounts. She had posted a status along the lines of, "This is either going to be my best decision or my worst mistake." Two people she'd been gossiping about me with (as told by another source) reacted to the status but neither of them said anything. P sure they wanted me to see it, like, it was definitely for show but I'm not sure how so. We did some karaoke together later that week, we started writing again, like, everything was awesome for a little bit.

Well, then the excuses started to set in again, plausible at first. "My daughter's visiting and it's her birthday but I'll TOTALLY plunge headfirst into writing again when she's gone!", things like that. We did plot and write some new things, but she dragged her feet on the project she KNEW I wanted the first draft finished by August. I publicly announced that I'd replace her as a writing partner if she didn't help me finish the draft and... WELP. She claimed she wanted to, and then didn't, but she got so threatened by the idea of being replaced that she made these promises to get me to stay my hand.

This time round I didn't care so hard. Friend 2 came back shortly afterwards and apparently he and Friend 1 had linked up on Discord. Friend 1 had told him she was gonna add me back like a week or two before she actually did. I later learned she'd read my frantic apologies/attempts at resolution (one message sent to multiple accounts trying to clear things up), and the letter I'd sent to a mutual in a last-ditch effort to find out if she was okay because she'd made some pretty serious claims about her physical health. Friend 2 and I started comparing notes again. I cleared up some things and we started discussing Friend 1 and some of the disingenuous things she'd been saying and doing yet again.

September or October she invited me to an event in November in the city she moved to. At first I wasn't gonna go but my son had a doctor's appointment the day before so I figured it'd be fine for me to leave for a few days, have fun with my friend, come back refreshed. I miss traveling and I needed a vacation. Loki agreed to it and told his boss he needed those three days off.

I did find it a bit weird that leading up to the visit, she barely talked to me, like, she'd already been barely talking to me but now it was she'd pop in with a token "OMG I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU FINALLY" and then bounce every few days. Event got cancelled but I went to see her anyway. I thought we had a great time! I had so much fun hanging out with her, she was a lot cooler in person, didn't get on my nerves (which is SUPER RARE for in-person); nothing I had been afraid of about the visit happened. I got along great with her family and her kid really liked me. I thought things were golden between us. I thought we'd be chatting more, RPing more, doing more banter and skits....

hahahaha nope. I staged a fight with a mutual who found out for me some things she was saying about me, things she was still saying even though I thought for SURE we'd be good after that visit. I video called her to look her in the eye and confronted her about it. I asked her if she has any problems with me that she hasn't told me about, and then I asked her about what was in the screenshots. She made it sound to me different from how she made it sound to my source, and she was putting out heavy "make this not my fault" vibes. At the end of the call I asked multiple times, "So now we're good? We've got everything out in the open, and you're gonna tell me straight-up if you have a problem from now on?" And she said she would. (We'd gone over some things she'd like me to change and I agreed to them calmly, you know, so I didn't think it'd be a problem.)

Next day she's whining to my source about how she "couldn't sleep" and "can't believe [ I ] did that to [her]." We've spoken maybe once since. My physical and mental health took a downturn as a result of just the stress caused by being lied to multiple times. God, that sounds so fucking dramatic but take it up with my stupid body.

Now I consider us basically on meme-sharing terms, like, if I see something I think she'd like I send it to her and then promptly archive the conversation. I'm not going to make a big dramatic statement by unfriending her. I was being a little passive-aggressive again recently, but that's a bad habit, so I've decided to stop doing that.

And like I know this friendship is a dud. I also know that all the things she wants to pretend to be are things I actually am. I know that most of the people she spoke to about me decided to give me a chance & get to know me anyway, and turns out they have some similar issues with her that Friend 2 and I have had, and they DON'T have those same issues with me.

I just wish I could stop thinking about it. I wish these things didn't hit as hard as they do. I feel like anything I have to say is just redundant and irrelevant, and I regret giving her the chances I did. I regret buying her a $300 painting of her BIGGEST character crush (that's an estimate including shipping). I regret sending her a Chromebook with a bunch of books and read-aloud services (along with Facebook and Messenger because she'd been having trouble with her laptop and didn't like accessing them on her phone). I regret growing so attached to our friendship that I felt like I was in love with her. I regret letting myself hope things would be better the second time round.

But I don't regret taking that trip. I was torn for a while between, "I could have saved myself $2,000 and gone to fucking Santa Cruz," and "No, actually, Myrtle Beach is a different experience." I now know the truth about what she's like; if you can talk that much mad shit after meeting someone in-person and claiming you had the best time, then you're two-faced.

And yeah I'm saying a lot of stuff ABOUT her but believe me, I've also tried to say things TO her, albeit phrased far more kindly because I actually don't like stepping on people's toes if I can avoid it.

I just... really hate not being heard. It should be enough for me that I have all these amazing friends, and that I've met people through her who are basically the best people in the world next to my sister. It should be enough for me that most people are siding with me when she's trying to warn them off me. But it still stings that she's gotten a few people to block me for no reason or keep me on their friends list but refuse to interact just to spy on me (you know you have to actually talk to your mark, right?) to see if I'm plotting against her.

Well... I'm not plotting against anyone, actually. I'm sharing the truth about what was said between us. I'm sharing receipts. If I could afford a lawyer I'd go after her for libel, since I was told you can do that if it's online. I talk some mad shit about the story we wrote together, but guess what? I talk equally mad shit about my cringe parts as hers; there's just fewer of them, and either way, I'm getting a lot of help rewriting the story into something that's not cringe.

I'm going to have to continuously recommit to just Being my Awesome Self and not trying to reach her because it's fucking impossible to reach her and it's not worth the effort, but I also can't fuckin help wondering-- and I wish I could stop thinking about it-- how the friends she's retained don't see through her chicken-fried baloney.

[overlordchris]

TMI Diary Time

I don’t know how to do the “read more” on mobile. But who cares. If don’t care, keep scrollin.

So, I just need a place to vent. Thank you Tumblr for alway being there for this purpose I suppose. I am (surprise surprise) unhappy. Some, or most likely 95% of it is related to the depression, which I’ve had for more than half my life at this point. I hate that. But I don’t know, I feel like a unique sort of sadness as of late that I’m not sure I’ve ever felt before. What it comes down to as far as my theory goes, it’s related to gender. Now I’ve lived the boy/man gender my whole life. I did so cause, ya know, I didn’t have a choice, as far as society was concerned. But I’ve known for my entire conscious life that something about that just didn’t click as “right” inside my head. I never really talked about it with others cause I had many times as a child been ridiculed for liking and doing things that fell out of the norm of the gender binary. From playing with dolls with my cousin to then be yelled at by my dad about it, to watching sailor moon and then being teased by my older brother for watching a girl show, I had to consciously play the masculine part or face ridicule.

Fast forward to my adult years where I first learned about Trans identity. Like really learned about it. What I mean by this is that I was aware of trans people as existing since childhood, but like, I had never really given it much thought as to what being trans meant, the experience, the community, the struggles, and nor did I really ever think about gender as being a construct instead of just as the status quo, ya know? I wasn’t trans, and still not as I did not desire to be a woman, but I had a deep uncomfortableness with people referring to me as “man”. I did not know why then, and I still don’t even fully know today. Like even just writing the word in reference to me as this is being written just really feels uncomfortable and I truly can’t say why other than it just doesn’t feel right. But by this point in my life, my mid 20s, the years of trying to live up to the “man” standard had made me feel like I had to defend it somehow when anything challenged it.

So here comes a cringe story about how this both manifested, and how it opened my eyes. It all started with Tumbler (coming full circle here) when in I believe in 2013 (or 2014, but I think it’s 2013) first encountered a Tumblr account that was ran by a trans boy (not like a child, but what they referred to themselves as). I followed the account for the usual reasons, memes, shitposts, etc. but one thing I quickly started to notice was the like tons of anon hate specifically targeting the fact that this person with breasts and feminine facial features called himself a boy. At first I thought, this is weird, I don’t understand why either side was so intense in their posts defending their points of view. Being me, this prompted me to dig deeper to learn more about the person behind this account, and I of course discovered the anon hate went back a long way. It had seemed there were times they would turn off anons, but then turn them back on further along in their timeline (which I don’t understand why they would turn it back on when obviously nothing good was coming from it). The moments they turned anons back on were filled with a lot of snarky/humorous replies deliberately poking fun at those trying to discredit the account holder’s gender, however that slowly turned into having more of a negative effect on their mental health, turning anon back off for a bit, and repeat.

So, how does this all relate to me? Well I had originally sided with the anon haters cause I had felt the snarky/humorous replies were in a way making light of something that I had to defend my whole life. I was ridiculed for not being “man” enough for years and this person was just casually throwing it out there like it’s something anyone could just claim. This had made me a bit angry actually because to me, being a “boy” meant MY experience growing up. How dare this person choose to be what I had always thought I had to prove to be?

If you haven’t connected the dots yet, yes, I took something that had nothing to actually do with me personally. Thankfully though I didn’t stay angry for long. I had turned to others to discuss this whole thing to get their ideas, and research articles by those from the trans community. The most important piece of information however came by way of an anon ask I had submitted to a Tumblr (keeps coming full circle!) ran by someone who had a close relationship with the topic, and had a masters in psychology. So what was this eye opening explanation that showed me the pointlessness of my anger? Well they shared with me that not everyone had the same experiences when growing up. On paper, yeah, no duh, right? But all it took was those words to make me take a moment to think about my experience and truly analyze it. I was coming from a very self centered place that had blinded me to seeing the larger picture. People be different. While there may be certain patterns in terms of behavior and responses humans display, I fundamentally believe that we are all genuinely unique, as far as brains go at the very least. Can people be similar? Of course. But there are just way too many variables that shape all of us that no two brains are ever the same. How I was raised, my life experiences, my brain’s development and subsequent interpretations all led to me being the me I am. That is something I truly believe. My experience with gender pressure and conformity was MY issue and it would be foolish to think that my life experience was the same experience as everyone else.

Coming to this realization it would still be like 7 or 8 years before I’d come to the conclusion that is today, but I was starting to understand the core issues and struggles that the Trans community was facing. I also began to understand the notion of gender being a social construct, and starting to question why it matted in the first place.

Now, fast forward to closer to today. Not quite to today today, but we’re almost there, trust me. So, about a year ago, October of 2021 to be more precise, my bestie wanted to get in shape and wanted me to accompany him to a gym for this process. Now that whole thing imploded, but that’s entirely a different story for maybe a different time. But one chilly evening we end up at a 24 hour fitness (which are no longer 24 hours…) because the main thing my friend wanted was to join a gym that is open very early in the AM. Like 3am more or less. The long story short here is we signed up for like a guest pass cause the guy at the gym was very insistent we do so. I gave a fake email and phone number during the sign up, but on the sheet under gender there were 3 bubbles. Man, Woman, and Non-Binary. I figured none of this mattered cause there was no way I was ever going back to this place to begin with, so I filled in Non-Binary since just about everything else I had already filled out was fake. But turns out not all of it was fake.

We continued driving around that night, looking for other potential gyms, but the rest of that evening I could not seem to get that application out of my mind. Non-Binary. Something about filling in that bubble just felt so right. I had never before thought of myself as being anything but a man, even though I hated that label and never really thought of myself as such internally. But I never did think I could be anything else. That concept just never entered my mind. However, that one dumb little moment of filling out that bubble had been the first time I had ever considered a label that wasn’t what people told me I had to be.

Originally I had leaned into one of the sub identities under the non-binary umbrella; agendered. Which is to say, without gender. Which is more or less to say I don’t care what others may think my gender is. That was what I always wanted to be growing up. Not a man or woman, just weird little old me. And truth be told I still wish that. But that brings me to what this whole venting session was originally to be about. Turns out I do care. I have the tendency to say things like, “kind of”, or “sort of” when it comes to me explaining things about myself, but this is a pretty big definitive “I do” moment. You see, I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to be expected to live in a box or be faced with abandonment and ridicule. I’ve had a taste of understanding, a feeling like I figured out a puzzle after years of working on it. I don’t want to go back.

But, let’s face it, I have biological masculine features. I present as male cause my genetic makeup shaped me to look the way I do, and this look pushes me inside the “Man” box. I’ve lived with following this path for over 30 years, and I don’t quite feel like doing anything drastic to change myself. Gender presentation does not determine someone’s gender identity, or least that’s the hope. However, the truth is for the vast majority of people is that it does, because it’s all they’ve ever known. Is there progress being made on this? Of course. I wouldn’t be here calling myself non-binary if we as a society were still stuck in the same way of thinking as say 15 or 20 years ago. But I’m not going to pretend that if I talked with 100 strangers about being non-binary, most would have any idea what I’d be talking about. This also applies to my entire family, which is why I don’t think I’d ever “come out” to them. I don’t think they’d understand at best, and at worst would probably ridicule me.

As of late, being referred to as a man has just been bothering me more and more. I think it’s related to it feeling regressive. Like I’m in a way being told to go back into the confusing box I had lived in my whole life. Where this is showing up and causing the most mental anguish is with a TTRPG group I play with currently. They are nice and enjoy most of their company (though I’m pretty sure 1 of them doesn’t care for me, but again, that’s another story), and for the most part they have pretty modern views about things. So gender issues are known, and respected amongst everyone more or less. Though, not so much with me which is the problem.

The one in this group who doesn’t like me is she/they and a lot of the time she will play non-binary characters. I will say that things between us initially were ok, and I don’t think they’re actively trying to hurt me in anyway currently either. But while they ask people to follow the pronouns of their characters, be they he/him, she/her, or they/them, everyone does so. Now I’ve had 3 separate characters I’ve played this last year that were specifically introduced as being non-binary. But every time I’d play these characters they would be referred to as he/him, or in my most recent case, she/her. This is all despite the fact that I only refer to them as they/them when describing what they do.

I know I know, it seems like a trivial thing to get upset with, but I liken it to a rock in a shoe. It’s a minor annoyance, yes, but the longer it’s in there the greater that annoyance becomes.

I don’t like the sort of invalidation I get out of game either. While I’ve not explicitly come out and said it, I don’t refer to myself in gendered terms. I’ve also included both the agender and non-binary flags as avatars and no one has bothered to ask or clarify things. I guess I can’t just expect everyone to ask or pick up on context clues. Again, everyone’s different. But I would hope that people I call friends would, you know, at least pick up on when I’m not feeling comfortable. Unfortunately I can’t bring myself to just say something, cause it’s honestly something I’m still pretty embarrassed and scared to admit. As to why that is, see all thee above.

And here we are today. I don’t really know what to do because it’s not as easy as just speaking up. If it was, then things like stage fright or public speaking anxiety wouldn’t exist in my life. So yeah, I’m not quite sure what next steps I can take. I hope something changes but I don’t know how or when they will. I mean I haven’t even touched the imposter syndrome aspect I feel about of all this, but that is also a massive road block for me. All I know is that I’ve noticed my depression taking a turn for the worse again and I know this is a definite contributor.