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elliesbelle · 9 months

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nobody compares to you

chapter 11

pairing: ellie x reader

synopsis: you're in your junior year of college and at a party, you run into the girl who broke your heart: ellie williams. despite the time it took to reset your life, will you risk a broken heart again for her?

content warnings: modern college au, cursing, angst, descriptions of alcohol and underage drinking, mentions of homophobic slurs, descriptions of marijuana use, men being creepy in general, drama between exes, descriptions of an anxiety attack, mentions of nausea and vomiting, minors do not interact

word count: 10.2k

chapters: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen

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Freshman Year, Fall

You’d never been to a college party, much less a frat party. The extent of your knowledge was taught by cheesy and likely inaccurate movies where all the characters were all played by 30-year-olds pushing 40. But after the shit show that was your senior year of high school, you were looking forward to celebrating your newfound freedom through underage drinking and close-quartered gyrating.

Your roommate's name was Tara Maclay, a honey-blonde tomboy who wore baggy clothing and had a foul but amusing mouth. Your first few days involved polite conversation and awkward apologies when you’d accidentally invade the other’s personal space. However, after a late night of deep conversation, you’d discovered that you were both lesbians and felt a friendship click almost immediately.

During yet another freshman orientation, this time for your dorm held by your RAs in one of the lounges, you’d both befriended a few other girls who also resided in your building, Wilson Valley. The first you’d met was a girl named Astrid. She was tall, skinny, and had long black & blonde braids that swayed gracefully every time she moved. You couldn’t help but notice the way Tara eyed her, nudging her playfully to break her out of her slack-jawed loser lesbian stupor.

Astrid had greeted you both sweetly and introduced you to a couple more girls she’d already met: Sidney and Rebecca, who happened to live right in the same hall as you and Tara. Astrid mentioned she had a roommate as well, who couldn’t come to the meeting. You vaguely recalled she said her name was Dina.

After your RAs ended the meeting and dismissed the rest of the residents, your newfound group lingered in the lounge. You continued to chat lightly about nonsensical topics like new classes and room assignments and the campus until Rebecca mentioned a party being thrown the next night.

“My roommate Kristen mentioned that this frat is having a ‘Start of the Year’ party or something tomorrow!” She said, settling into one of the ratty couches. “Not sure if you guys would be interested in that, but I thought that would be cool to go to, even just for the experience.”

Tara grimaced before saying, “An excuse for asshole, predatory frat guys to prey on freshman girls?”

“Could maybe still be fun, though,” Astrid mused. “Nice excuse to get fucked up and all.”

“Well, I guess the free booze isn’t so bad.” Tara quickly said, changing her tune instantly. You chuckled quietly at her.

“What’s the frat?” You asked.

“Uhh,” Rebecca pondered for a moment. “I think… Sigma… something? I honestly don’t remember. I’ll ask Kristen later.”

“All of them just sound the same anyway,” Sidney shrugged, sitting criss-cross applesauce on the carpeted floor next to the couch. “I’m totally up for it if you guys go, though. Good way to be social. I don’t really have friends around here just yet.”

You turned towards her.

“We’re all your friends, so you do now.” You said, smiling at her.

Sidney returned your smile with a wide one of her own.

You’d already set out your desired outfit on your bed for the Sigma Eta party when you sat by your desk, applying your makeup. Behind you, Tara was clumsily rummaging through her clothes, cursing under her breath as she kept changing her mind about her party attire.

“What the fuck do you even wear to frat parties, dude?” She said, throwing yet another unfolded, creased shirt into her dresser.

“Honestly, I don’t really know. I’ve mostly gone to high school theatre cast parties, and I don’t think those really count as real parties.” You replied, lightly brushing a small spoolie through one of your eyebrows.

“Am I supposed to look fucking nice, or—?”

“Just be yourself!” You jokingly said.

Through your makeup mirror, you saw Tara give you an annoyed grimace in the reflection. You laughed.

“That’s stupid ass advice.” She groaned in frustration.

“Sorry!” You apologized in jest. “I mean, you’re not really there to attract guys. Don’t have to be all dressed up and all if you don’t want to be.”

“You’re getting all dressed the fuck up.” Tara pointed out, motioning towards your outfit on the bed.

“I just like looking nice,” You shrugged. “Just for myself, not really for anyone else. Like I said, you don’t have to get all dressed up if you don’t want to. Unless there’s someone you’re trying to impress.”

“I mean, I didn’t say that…” She grumbled, almost indiscernible underneath her breath.

“Oh?” You said, momentarily pausing your makeup routine to turn towards her with an eyebrow raised. “Why? Is there a certain someone you wanna look good for?” You inquired.

Tara refused to meet your inquisitive eyes as she fidgeted with another shirt’s buttons between her hands.

“I knew it!” You laughed, pointing the makeup brush you held in your hand towards her. “You like Astrid!”

“No, I fucking do not!” Tara responded defensively.

“You have a crush on Astrid,” You said in a sing-song voice. “You have a crush on Astrid!”

“Shut the fuck up, dude!”

“You think she’s pretty, you want her to have your babies!” You continued to sing, cackling as you turned back to your desk to resume your eye makeup.

“I will physically fight you, you dick!” Tara warned noncommittally.

“Save all those kinky threats for your new girlfriend.” You chuckled as you effortlessly blended two shades of eyeshadow with one another.

“Ugh,” She groaned as she flopped down on her bed. “She’s so fucking straight though. Like, painfully fucking straight. Like, not just heterosexual. Barbie heterosexual.”

“First of all,” You said as you set down the makeup brush in your hand to grab your setting spray. “Barbie is so gay, so that point is useless.”

“Barbie is not fucking gay, man.” Tara argued.

“Barbie is a lesbian with comphet and Ken is her lavender marriage boyfriend,” You disagree, fanning your freshly sprayed face. “Secondly, Astrid is one hundred percent a dyke too.”

“Did you fucking see her, dude?”

“Yes, I did. I have eyes, Tara.”

“Yes, I do too.”

“But not a good enough gaydar though, it looks like.”

“What the fuck!”

“Trust me, Tara,” You said, turning towards her once more to look her straight in the eyes. “There is not a single straight bone in that girl’s body, I guarantee it. If you weren’t so busy checking her out before, you would have noticed it too. Might have even noticed that she was also checking you out.”

“Wait. Hold the fuck up, seriously?” Tara said, perking up for a second before suddenly looking nervous.

“Dude, this is no time to be a fucking pussy! She’s really pretty and seems to like you back. Just get to know her tonight!”

“You think she’s pretty?” She asked.

“I mean, yeah, of course. She is gorgeous.” You admit. “But you’re okay, I’m not competition. She’s not my type, trust me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, kind of discovered after my last relationship that I’m more into like, masc and butch lesbians.”

“Oh?” Tara said intriguingly, abandoning her search for appropriate clothing to take a seat on her bed. “How do you mean exactly?”

“Well,” You said, twirling your eyeliner pen in between your fingers as you turned in your chair to face her again. “My ex-girlfriend was a little bit more feminine than masculine. And I mean, I guess I was attracted to her in different kinds of ways, but I think that I was drawn more to her personality than her looks.”

You sighed before continuing.

“Which, obviously, I think is very important, but I also believe that you’ve gotta be physically attracted to who you’re with too, you know? Not in a shallow way or anything. But I don’t think I really ever felt that click with her, even at the start. It was just another unrealistic expectation I had of her that ultimately cemented the end of our relationship.”

Tara hummed in understanding.

“So why masculine lesbians, then? I’m just curious as someone who presents more as masculine but who tends to like more feminine girls.” She asked.

You pondered her question for a few moments, considering your response.

“There’s just… I don’t know, there’s just something so bold and alluring about a woman who completely rejects femininity in every possible way. We’re all expected to fill that role of being gentle and ladylike, and I think it’s just so attractive when a girl openly says ‘fuck you’ to that and presents the way she actually wants to, not the way the rest of the world expects of her. I love it when women are exclusively masculine, almost like they’re showing men how it’s supposed to be done. I think it’s just so hot and charming and sexy.”

“Ooh, so you think I’m sexy and shit?” Tara teases, wiggling her eyebrows at you as you conclude your mini-speech.

“No, you’re way too much of a loser lesbian who can’t even tell the difference between a straight girl and a femme lesbian.”

“Hey, not too fucking much now!” Tara said indignantly.

You laughed loudly before going back to applying your winged eyeliner.

A few moments later, you heard a knock followed by Astrid, Rebecca, and her roommate Kristen after you shouted that your door was unlocked. Kristen, a short and perky girl with her dirty blonde hair up in two long pigtails, introduced herself and said that her friend Mina was also tagging along later on, in addition to two other people she didn’t mention.

It was incredibly amusing to you how red and flustered Tara became as a result of Astrid’s sudden appearance. You even felt a little bit giddy yourself when Astrid graciously offered to help pick out an outfit for Tara to wear for tonight’s party.

It wasn’t long after the three girls arrived that Sidney joined the rest of your group, having done herself up a bit as well in a short, pink dress and pieces of curly hair styled to fall from her space buns. You all enthusiastically complimented her and hyped her up, to which she blushed.

You were the last one to finish getting ready, the rest of your new friends every now and again watching you finish your makeup routine as they all chatted animatedly. They all gawked in awe at the way you’d artistically dolled up your face, Kristen commenting that Michaelangelo couldn’t have painted colours the way you did your eyeshadow (to which you humourously and geekily remark that he was more of a sculptor than a painter). The girls all loudly squealed at how expertly you applied your fake eyelashes within mere seconds, you chuckling to yourself at how easily amused they seemed to be.

As all the girls began to pre-game with a bottle of Bacardi spiced rum Kristen had brought, you threw on the rest of your outfit: a long-sleeved, lacy and see-through white top with a black bra underneath, a black mini-skirt with side pockets, and your favourite knee-high black boots. You joined in the drinking festivities before Astrid checked the time and her messages then suggested you all head out to meet Kristen’s friend Mina and head towards the Sigma Eta party.

You all squeezed into a rickety, old elevator located in the middle of the hallway and headed down to the first floor of your building. As the elevator doors opened up to the lobby, Kristen broke off from the rest of the group when she spotted another girl waiting with two guys by the front doors. Kristen squealed happily and gave her a tight hug before introducing her friend to the rest of you.

Mina was a girl with short kinky blonde hair that reached just above her shoulders. She wore a white halter top with dark blue jeans accompanied by black pumps. To her left was a short, brown-haired guy with a plain, blue button-down and a pair of salmon-coloured shorts; to her right was a tall, dark-haired boy wearing an orange Hawaiian shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans.

“Good evening, fellow freshman cuties,” Mina said before gesturing to her hand to her own company, introducing them respectively. “This is Fred, and this is Jesse.”

The two boys smiled and nodded in greeting.

“Mina’s brother actually used to be in the fraternity that’s throwing the party we’re going to tonight before he graduated last year.” Kristen explained to your group.

“Yeah, Fred here is a friend of my brother’s. He was the one who told me about the party.” Mina added.

“Oh, that was really nice of you.” Astrid said, giving Fred a polite smile. He smiled back, not before eyeing her keenly up and down.

“Thought I’d introduce Mina to college life the proper way.” Fred replied cockily, patting Mina hard on the back in a brotherly fashion. Mina rolled her eyes.

“Let’s head out, chicas!” Kristen announced, beckoning your large group towards and out the front doors.

The trip to the Sigma Eta frat house wasn’t very long, but it felt like it to you at the beginning. Tara had broken off from your side when she was able to garner enough courage and nervously converse with Astrid, who was chatting back animatedly while ignoring Fred’s futile attempts to flirt with her. Kristen and Mina were enthusiastically catching up with each other, and Rebecca, who noticed Sidney’s shy and reserved demeanour, began kindly engaging her in a conversation to help her open up and get to know her. This left you to yourself for a while.

You were excited to be branching out socially and making friends, but it was difficult not to feel like you were out of your league in this rather abundant group of acquaintances. Being accustomed to smaller circles of friends and having gone through a recent ordeal with former friends, you weren’t quite sure how to politely insert yourself without seeming like a burden or nuisance.

The other guy Mina had brought along, Jesse, seemed to notice your silent predicament. He was a tall, muscular Asian man who had jet-black hair and kind eyes. You and your friends were approaching a nearby bus stop when he first spoke to you.

“So, this is your first real party, huh?”

You almost jumped, surprised that someone was speaking to you.

“Oh! Umm, yeah,” You responded sheepishly. “Is it really that obvious?”

“A little, but it’s alright,” He chuckled. “I’m Jesse, by the way. What was your name again?”

You smiled meekly as you introduced yourself.

“I’ll be sure to remember that.” He said with a friendly, assuring grin.

You weren’t sure what it was about this guy Jesse, what it was about him that made you like him instinctively. Men generally made you feel uncomfortable, and you almost never had any guy friends. But something in your gut was telling you that he was genuine, someone you could trust.

“So do you go to these kinds of frat parties a lot?” You asked in an attempt to be social.

“Sometimes,” Jesse replied. “Don’t really like this specific frat we’re going to, but I’m supposed to be helping this friend of mine link up with some guy who’ll be there. Do you smoke pot?”

“Why do you ask? Are you a cop?” You joked.

“Oh, absolutely. That is precisely why I am tagging along with a bunch of underage freshmen to a booze-filled shitty, frat party as someone who is also currently underage.” He chuckled.

You smiled at him.

“Yeah, I smoke,” You eventually replied. “I don’t really have a solid plug out here just yet though.”

“Well, my friend is a dealer and the guy we’re meeting up with tonight actually grows nearby, so we’re gonna see if my friend can work with him. She needs to procure some more fresh ‘merchandise’ or whatever.” He said, making air quotes upon saying the word ‘merchandise.’ “If you’re looking for a regular plug, I can introduce you to her later.”

“That’d be perfect, honestly,” You replied. “Don’t know how I’ll be able to get through freshman year of college without the influence of drugs.”

“Trust me, I get it,” Jesse said. “I had to make do with second-rate dealers as a freshman last year ‘cause my old dealer back home is obviously far away. Everyone around here either charges way too much or their shit is completely dry and weak.”

“Damn,” You replied. “But you think your friend’s got better connections?”

“Well, we’re going to see. But she’s real great about finding good strains and shit. Hopefully, things work out tonight.”

“I hope so too. I don’t wanna try and find another dealer out here, and then it turns out they’re creepy or something. And I trust you and your faith in your friend.”

“Yeah?” Jesse said curiously. “That’s very nice of you.”

You shrugged and gave him a warm smile.

The rest of the trip to the Sigma Eta house was much more enjoyable now that you seemed to find a friend in Jesse. You clicked instantly with him: discussing where you were both from, what your majors were, what there was to do around and outside of the campus. He even gave you tips on how to navigate college as a freshman, having gone through it himself already the previous year. It comforted you that this person you’d just met already seemed adamant about looking out for you in a friendly, platonic manner.

As your group walked down the sidewalk that led to multiple houses where other college students resided, you spotted bright, strobing lights coming from a house towards the end of the street. The sounds of loud party music and boisterous chatter grew louder the further down you ventured. You finally came up to a house where several cars were haphazardly and crookedly parked out front and an assortment of other college kids loitered around the porch, most holding red solo cups filled to the brim.

Before you all stepped foot onto the front porch of the house, Astrid suddenly stopped and turned around to face the whole group.

“Hey, can we take a quick pic of all of us attending our first-ever college party? I wanna capture the memory of getting fucked up with my new dorm besties!” She gushed excitedly.

“You know, this actually isn’t my first college party.” Kristen chuckled, but Mina nudged her in the ribs.

“You know what she means, you killjoy. Come on, let’s all take a selfie!”

All the girls gathered together and began to link arms or embrace each other around the waist or drape their arms over each other’s shoulders. You turned towards Jesse, who was texting rapidly on his phone.

“So, selfie time?” You asked him.

“Nah, you guys go ahead. I think I’m gonna go find my friend inside ‘cause I’m pretty sure she’s here already. Plus I don’t wanna get in the way of you and your friends.”

“You’re my friend too,” You asserted boldly. “Come here and get in the picture with us, new friend.”

Jesse flashed you a warm smile and relented without any further argument.

Astrid held up her phone at a 45-degree angle towards the starry, night sky, angling it so she could get the whole group in the frame (except for Fred, whom she made very little effort to include in the picture, him standing at the edge of the group and desperately trying to have his face captured as well). You and Jesse stood right next to each other, and you allowed yourself to put a hand behind his back in an almost half-hug. You let out a partly genuine smile as Astrid said “Cheese!” and snapped a few photos of your group. After she sent the pictures to you and the rest of the girls in a mass group text (which she then promptly named “Wilson Crew ❤️‍🔥” after the dorm you were all living in), you and your new friends finally ventured into the Sigma Eta frat house.

The deafening noise of terrible EDM and the smell of sweat that filled the thick air was almost enough to make you regret coming out. But the rest of your group tittered in anticipation, so you feigned excitement as you all ventured further into the house.

You entered the dining room where a long, wooden table had been turned into a small, makeshift beer-pong court. There were several people gathered around it, whether as spectators or players. You watched as a girl in a ponytail whooped after she effortlessly bounced a ping-pong ball onto the table and into a red solo cup on her opponent’s side. Several bystanders cheered in response as a frat guy on the other side of the table cursed in jest and promptly chugged from the cup.

“Dina!” Astrid mused excitedly, approaching the girl. She gave her a tight hug, which the girl named Dina affectionately returned.

Dina was an incredibly pretty girl with tan skin and black, wavy hair. Beneath thick, dark eyebrows were a pair of beautiful brown eyes that looked extremely warm and welcoming. Being Astrid’s roommate, it’d have been an obvious guess that she was a freshman too like the rest of you. But she exuded this air of boldness and spunk that made it seem like she was a vetted college student. You noticed that several onlookers, mostly men, had been eyeing her shiftily and curiously.

“I thought you said you weren’t coming!” Astrid scolded her playfully.

“Well, I honestly wasn’t, but a friend of mine had been trying to persuade me to come and—” Dina began before breaking off suddenly.

Her eyes had wandered towards your group of friends and fell on Jesse who was standing right next to you. The wide smile on her face faltered as her animated expression turned into one of shocked recognition. You turned towards Jesse who had suddenly gone rigid and stone-faced. You looked back at the girl Dina who blinked back to reality and began to stutter.

“I-I’m g-gonna catch up with you later, okay?” She said to Astrid before making her way towards the back of the house.

“Ah, shit,” You heard Jesse mutter under his breath. “Goddamn it.”

“You know her?” You questioned him.

“That… was my ex-girlfriend Dina. Childhood and high school sweetheart.” He explained.

“Oh, shit.” You uttered.

“Hey, I’m… I’m gonna be right back, okay?” He said to you before quickly heading towards the direction that Dina had gone in.

You watched as he left you behind with your friends who began to gossip amongst themselves curiously about the exchange that had just occurred.

You’d been standing in the kitchen by yourself for the past five minutes, attempting to finish a drink in your hand that you’d reluctantly poured from an orange cooler on the counter. After they’d downed a couple of shots, the rest of the girls had tried to convince you to come to the basement where the dancing was primarily taking place. You declined and said that you needed a minute or two, promising you’d find them later. Though it was still relatively early in the evening, you were already feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated. You’d been faking plenty of smiles and forcing tight-lipped laughter all night; it was getting more tiring to feign excitement, especially now that the new friend you’d made tonight had not made a reappearance since quickly running after his ex-girlfriend.

Sighing, you refilled your red solo cup with the same unknown alcoholic contents from the cooler. You weren’t particularly enjoying the drink, completely confused as to what it was in the first place, but it was at least giving you something to do. As you continued to sip from your cup, you decided to venture towards the backyard where you figured Jesse had walked off.

Squinting past the darkness illuminated by the moonlight and the strobing lights peeking through the house’s windows, you scanned the numerous figures occupying the grassy lawn. You eventually spotted Jesse’s tall, dark silhouette after a minute or two, seeing that he was in a seemingly heated discussion with the pretty girl Dina. Deciding that this was a lover’s quarrel that you probably shouldn’t get in between, you find your tired, aching feet take you back inside the house.

You felt the temperature change back from brisk chilliness to throbbing heat from the pheromones in the musky air. Unsure of where to go, you walked back to the kitchen where you found a couple pressed up against each other in the spot you previously occupied. You grimaced at their pre-coital positioning and how they seemed to be swallowing each other’s faces before retreating from the room. Having no interest in watching the new round of beer-pong that several people had started again in the dining room, you settled for finding sanctuary elsewhere.

Finding an empty spot on a wall in the living room, you leaned up against it and took a generous sip from your cup. Though you didn’t have high expectations beforehand, the night was still going quite poorly. You cursed yourself silently for not having a sufficient social battery to socialize with your friends at the party nor enough courage to endure your overwhelming surroundings. You were contemplating whether you should rejoin the group after all in their close-quartered gyrating in the basement when you suddenly felt an invisible pull from across the room that called to you and compelled your head to instinctively turn in its direction.

Your eyes simultaneously met a pair of ocean green ones. The sounds of terrible music and overlapping chitchat immediately vanished when you saw her. You watched as her eyes scanned your face just as you scanned hers. The handsome stranger began to look you up and down before the left corner of her lips turned up in a crooked smile. Your cheeks burned in bashfulness and you tore your eyes away from her to stare at the ground and take another sip from your drink.

You felt your throat close up, your breathing hitch, and your entire body going up in flames. It felt as if someone had shot you through the chest with an arrow, aiming for and perfectly hitting where your heart was located. You felt utterly bare and naked in front of all these strangers, suddenly prey to a strange emotion that felt completely foreign to you. It was intoxicating, like you were completely wonderstruck within seconds of being in this stranger’s presence.

When you eventually felt her eyes wander elsewhere, you dared glance at her once more. She was incredibly handsome: her auburn hair partly tied up in a bun, cheeks adorned with freckles as if an angel had hand-painted them itself, broad shoulders that suggested a muscular frame underneath an old, brown motorcycle jacket she was wearing. She was sitting on this ratty old couch, manspreading in the middle as she noncommittally nodded at the people standing beside her. Her slender, long fingers were expertly wrapping a few rolling papers on the table in front of her. As she brought a joint up to her lips to lick it closed, her eyes flicked up once again to look at you. Embarrassed that you were caught shamelessly staring, you quickly focused your gaze in a different direction. From the corner of your eyes, you could see her chuckling.

The girl muttered something to her nearby companions before making her way across the room to you. Your drumming heartbeat echoed each of her steps, getting louder and louder in your chest the closer she got. You didn’t allow yourself to look her way again until she was right in front of you.

“Hey.” She said, voice rough and husky.

“Hi.” You responded, trying not to sound too flustered over this extremely attractive stranger approaching you to engage in conversation.

“You all alone tonight?” She asked.

“Not exactly,” You responded truthfully. “My friends are around here somewhere.”

“Oh?” She said, cocking her head slightly to the side as she crossed her arms.

“Yeah. I think downstairs, humping and gyrating with everyone else.” You joked.

She chuckled.

“Not your type of thing?”

“Not really,” You said. “I wasn’t in the mood tonight to get felt up by some horny frat guy trying to shove his limp-dick boner up against my ass.”

The girl let out a genuine laugh accompanied by a toothy grin.

“You’re funny.” She commented. You returned her smile with one of your own.

“Wanna come sit on the couch?” She asked. “You honestly look like you’re about to collapse at any second.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t really the best idea to wear a really nice pair of high heels to some crappy fraternity party.”

“Well, hey, they look good on you, so not a total loss.”

“Yeah?” You questioned, lifting an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” She smirked. “Anyway, come sit with me on this ugly ass couch. I promise I won’t try to shove my dick up your ass or anything.”

“Aww, you’re not? I was going to say yes, but if you’re not gonna shove your dick up my ass...” You teased boldly.

Even under the dim lights of the party, you thought you saw traces of pink appear underneath her freckles as she smiled. You felt your own cheeks burning.

“Come on, pretty girl.” She chuckled, leading you towards the sofa.

She sat back down in the middle but didn’t manspread this time to make room for you to sit comfortably next to her. Her body faced towards your direction, indicating to her companions that she was disinterested in any further conversation with them. Both your hands gripped onto your red solo cup tightly like it was your life-saving anchor. Your body tensed up from being so close to this handsome stranger whose name you didn’t even know yet.

Almost as if she read your mind, she introduced herself.

“I’m Ellie.”

You smiled nervously as you gave her your name.

“So,” She began. “You a freshman too, huh?”

“Yeah,” You hummed. “First ever college party.”

“Oh?” She said, reaching for one of her joints on the table.

“Mhmm,” You respond. “Not really as exciting as people have been making it out to be.”

“What, you’re not impressed by the repulsive smell of jungle juice and shitty trap music and the giant, sweaty orgy going on in the basement?”

“Eww,” You giggled, scrunching up your nose in disgust. “No, I wouldn’t really say that I’m impressed, exactly.”

Ellie chuckled before offering you the joint she was holding.

“You smoke?”

“Yeah, I do. But are you sure? I don’t wanna waste your weed.”

“I never mind smoking out pretty girls for free every now and again.” Ellie shrugged.

You ignored the way your heart fluttered as you placed your cup down and took the joint from her. You ignored the sudden, electric spark when you felt her skin brush against yours. You ignored how her own breathing seemed to hitch at that same moment before she pulled away from you to grab her lighter from a front pocket of her motorcycle jacket.

You placed the joint in between your lips, trying not to think about the fact that Ellie’d just sealed it a minute or two ago with her tongue. Ellie cupped her left hand around the tip while her right hand flicked on the lighter. Your eyes wandered from the budding flame to her eyes, which were already watching you. Her stare caught you off-guard that you almost forgot to inhale. You leaned away from her, both to blow the smoke in a different direction and to nervously catch your breath from how intimately close she was to you.

“So?” She inquired, reclining back and throwing her arm behind you on the back of the couch.

“Mm?” You hummed in question as you took another puff of the joint.

“How do you like the j?”

“Hmm,” You say after releasing another breath of smoke. “It’s… fine.”

“Just fine?” She asked, looking playfully offended.

“What!” You said, giggling and handing her back the joint. “It’s just a regular, old j! What else would you like me to say?”

“What, do you smoke some fancy ass weed with gold and diamonds and shit where you’re from?” Ellie chuckled.

“Sorry! I guess I’m just used to something very particular.”

“Oh, yeah?” She asked, cocking up an eyebrow, the one that you’d noticed had a slit right through it. “What do you mean by that exactly?”

“I usually lace my own js with lavender buds,” You explained. “Makes it taste better, in my opinion, and it helps me relax.”

“Really? Lavender, huh? I’ve never heard of someone doing that before.”

“A little trick I learned from an ex-girlfriend.” You clarified, pretending that you didn’t throw in that last word on purpose.

“That so?” She replied. You could have sworn that she had moved slightly closer the moment you mentioned having an ex-girlfriend.

“Mhmm. Lavender’s my favourite, but I’ve tried lacing them with other herbs and plants too.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“I’ve done rose petals and passionflowers before. Gives them a much better flavour. Sage is good too if you wanna destress and all. And apparently, hibiscus and jasmine are, well…” Your sentence is cut short by a slightly drunken giggle emerging from your lips.

“Are what?” Ellie prompted you.

“Umm, they’re good too.”

“Good for what, exactly?”

You handed the joint back to her before responding.

“I heard that they’re supposedly good aphrodisiacs.” You nearly whispered.

Ellie smiled slyly, taking the joint back without breaking eye contact.

“Interesting” is all she says before taking a huge puff.

Whether it was the mysterious alcohol finally kicking in or the sudden presence of marijuana in your system, you felt a surge of sudden confidence flood your senses. You wanted to impress this strange girl, you wanted her to like you. And yet somehow, it feels almost as if you’d already met before.

“By the way,” Ellie began. “I really love your eye makeup. You did it yourself?”

“Thanks,” You smiled. “Yeah, I did.”

“That’s seriously fucking impressive. I’ve never been into makeup and girly shit like that, but I know it must take a fuck ton of talent to do it.”

“Nah,” You waved off before picking up your red solo cup from the table and drinking from it. “It’s really not that hard to learn. I taught myself how to do it for the most part.”

“That’s even more fucking impressive.” She stated simply. You gave her a sheepish smile before uttering another quiet thanks.

Before either of you could speak again, the guy leaning against the arm of the couch next to Ellie turned towards her.

“Yo, Williams, Chang here yet?” He asked.

“Really don’t know, man. He said he would be.”

“Damn. Call him or something.”

“Call him yourself. I’m not his mother.”

The guy tsked in irritation before returning to a conversation with his companions.

“Nice friends you got there.” You said out loud without thinking.

“We just got a mutual friend in common, that’s all,” Ellie replied, shrugging and taking another puff. “My best friend knows like, half the people who go to this school.”

You nodded in acknowledgement as she continued.

“Most people are usually disappointed that I’m not as nice as him.”

“You’re not?”

“Nah, apparently I’m ‘antagonistic’ and ‘mean’ and just really fucking rude.” She chuckled.

“Doesn’t seem like that to me.” You commented.

“Well, we just met,” She smirked. “Just wait a little while.”

“What, are you planning on being really mean to me in the future, Ellie?” You quipped.

She shrugged and you chuckled.

Both immensely absorbed in your engaging and private conversation, you weren’t quite sure exactly how long you and Ellie were sitting in that dirty living room on that ratty, old couch. You talked about the classes and professors you had in common, bonded over your shared love of music and the instruments you both played, laughed at all of the dumb and silly jokes she made.

At one point in the night, Tara emerged from the basement, all buzzed and sweaty. She scanned the living room, having been worried that she nor none of the rest of your friends had seen you since you’d all first arrived at the house. Upon spotting you sitting so intimately to Ellie, her whispering something in your ear and you boisterously laughing, Tara smiled and retreated back to the basement.

Ellie was beginning to tell you about her hometown when your conversation was suddenly interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Hey, yo, El!” You heard Jesse say from behind you.

You turned around to see a jovial expression on his face that didn’t quite meet his serious eyes. He was smiling in greeting, but it seemed like whatever occurred in the private conversation he had with the girl Dina rattled him in some way.

“Yo, Jess,” Ellie said, waving him over. “Been wondering where the fuck your ass has been this whole time, man.”

“Ahh, well, I kind of… got detained by D…” He admitted as he approached the couch before spotting you sitting next to Ellie. “Oh, shit! You guys know each other?”

“What, you don’t know that we’re lifelong best friends?” Ellie said, winking at you. You turned away as you bit your lip, attempting to hide the smile on your face and the heat rising to your cheeks.

“Now, hang on, I thought we were lifelong best friends?” Jesse gasped playfully, putting one hand on his hip and gesturing between you and him mockingly.

“Sorry dude, I claimed her already.” Ellie said, smirking.

You tried to ignore Jesse’s mumble of “greedy whore” towards Ellie in between loud, fake coughs.

“Anyway, you saw D? Are you okay?” Ellie said, her tone more serious now.

“I mean, I guess,” Jesse sighed. “Thought she wasn’t tagging along tonight, but I guess she did.”

“Sorry, man, I really thought you knew.”

“It’s cool. I was gonna end up seeing her at some point. Might wanna check up on her, though.”

“She okay?”

“I think so, but you know how she can be.”

“Where’d she run off to know?”

“I think she said that she was gonna go hang out with her roommate or something for the rest of the night.”

“I’ll text her, see where she is.”

“Oh, umm,” You said, awkwardly speaking up. “My friend Astrid is her roommate, so I think your friend Dina went downstairs to the basement.”

Both Ellie and Jesse looked slightly taken aback at your short degree of separation.

“Sorry,” You apologized as you looked down at your hands in embarrassment. “I didn’t mean to insert myself.”

“Hey,” Ellie assured, nudging your shoulder with hers. “Didn’t I just say that we’re lifelong best friends?”

You looked up at her and smiled with appreciation at her thoughtfulness.

Ellie, realizing they’d been leaving you out of their conversation, quickly filled in the blanks.

“Our other lifelong best friend Dina got dumped by this asshole joker right here a little while back. It was a bit of a messy break-up.”

“I haven’t always been the smooth and suave man that you see before you today.” Jesse quipped.

“Never have been, dumbass.” Ellie added. Jesse gave her a scowl, which she mockingly returned.

“Anyway,” She continued. “Now I’ve been stuck being the middle man for the past year or so ‘cause these two clowns don’t know how to talk about their motherfucking feelings.”

You chuckled at Ellie’s choice of words.

“I’m sure she’s okay if she’s with your friend, though. This Astrid girl nice?” Ellie inquired.

“Oh, she’s the absolute sweetest.” You affirmed.

“Well, I trust your judgment. I’ll give her some time and check up on her after.” Ellie concluded, giving you a half-smile.

It was so curious how these people you’d known only for a few hours seemed to somehow trust you so intimately and almost blindly. Besides your cousin Rafael who’s known you since birth, you’d never clicked so well with anyone else in your life. You felt a quiet warmth in your chest, feeling as if you had been soulmates with these people in a past life.

“Might as well,” Jesse said, looking down at his buzzing phone. “Eugene’s contact said he’s here. He’s out back if you still wanna talk to him.”

You suddenly felt naive, not realizing sooner that Ellie was the dealer friend Jesse had been talking to you about earlier in the evening. Her previous rolling of papers and multiple joints should have been a dead giveaway, but you were far too mesmerized by Ellie and her charm and her ocean green eyes to give much notice to your current surroundings.

“Ah, shit, I totally forgot,” Ellie cursed.

She looked at you.

“Umm, do you wanna come with? It’ll probably be boring as shit, but—”

“No, no, it’s okay,” You said, waving her off. “It sounds pretty important. Jesse was telling me earlier that you needed to meet up with him.”

Ellie turned towards him, an annoyed look on her face.

“Now, why are you going around telling my business to everyone?” She asked him.

“It’s fun.” Jesse joked. Ellie rolled her eyes.

“If, uh, you wanna stick around, this probably won’t take long. I’ll see you after?” She said guiltily. You gave her a soft smile.

“Ellie, please go ahead. I’m a big girl; I can be left alone for two seconds.”

She chuckled at your words as she stood up from her seat next to you, not before brushing her hand and her knee against yours. You wondered silently if she did so by accident.

“See you in a bit, pretty girl.” Ellie said, winking at you.

You watched as she and Jesse walked off towards the backyard of the house. Once they were out of sight, you sighed quietly.

You realized that you were all alone tonight once again, this time through no fault of your own. Not knowing what else to do, you leaned back into the sagging sofa and pulled out your phone from a pocket of your skirt. As you waited for your companions to return, you scrolled mindlessly through different social media outlets for a while until your entertainment was exhausted and eventually settled on Instagram. After a couple of minutes of looking through your friends’ stories and posts, sending likes and comments every now and again, you see something that suddenly makes your stomach drop.

Still not fully over the results of the disastrous break-up with your high school ex-girlfriend, you hadn’t unfollowed or blocked her on social media just yet. You realized in the moment what a grave mistake that was when you came across a post with several photos of her and all your former friends at some party with a couple of unknown people included. Hot tears formed in your eyes when, while swiping through the many images, you encountered one picture with your ex-girlfriend’s arms wrapped around a strange girl you didn’t recognize. Their physical intimacy and stances suggested something more than just friendship.

You suddenly felt the urge to throw up and you immediately rose from your seat in search of a nearby bathroom. Eventually, you came across a small one towards the front of the house and wrenched it open, feeling lucky that it was presently unoccupied. Leaning over the grimy sink, the feeling of nausea subdued from what you figured was a result of separating yourself from the overstimulation of the party. Still, your hands and neck felt clammy. You felt as if you couldn’t breathe, no matter how hard you inhaled and exhaled.

You raised your head up to look at yourself in the murky mirror. Thick tears threatened to fall from the corners of your eyes. Pieces of hair stuck to your forehead with nervous sweat. Lips were trembling and shakingly releasing laboured breaths.

Leaving your past behind was not as simple as you believed it could be. The past several months had been a personal hell for you, having been abandoned to be lonely and companionless by people you loved. After a messy break-up with someone who suddenly broke your heart, a result of two young, dumb kids attempting to be much more mature than they actually were, your entire friend group ended up choosing her in the aftermath. It left you completely grief-stricken and betrayed, not expecting the people you believed cared for you to cast you aside so quickly and easily.

You’d spent the entire summer after graduating high school healing and recovering from such a loss, and you’d genuinely believed that you came to your new school fully mended. But as you stood in front of a fogged-up mirror in a dingy frat house bathroom, it seemed as if you hadn’t fully overcome your emotional wounds like you thought.

You were dabbing the soggy sweat off your moist forehead when someone suddenly knocked on the bathroom door, causing you to jump.

“Oh, umm, someone’s in here!” You quickly exclaimed. The sound of the same voice you’d been listening to all evening calling out your name from behind the door had you grip the edges of the sink and freeze in place.

“Y-yeah?” You asked falteringly.

“Hey, uhh, i-it’s Ellie.”

“Oh!” You said in surprise. “Hi! Umm, I-I’ll be out in a minute!”

“Hey, uhh, are you okay?” Ellie said after a beat or two.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine!” You cried out unconvincingly.

“Can… can I come in?” She asked hesitantly.

“Oh! Umm—”

“It’s okay if you don’t want me to! If you need space—”

“No, no!” You interrupted.

You took a deep breath, threw out the damp tissue you still held in your hand, and carefully opened the door to reveal Ellie with a concerned look on her face.

“It’s a bit of a tight fit, but, uhh…” You said, stepping aside to let her in.

You backed up to make space for her and sat on the edge of the shabby-looking tub as Ellie closed the bathroom door behind her before leaning her back against it.

“How’d you know where to find me?” You inquired.

“Someone saw you come in here.” She explained.

“Oh” was all you could say in return.

There were several moments of complete silence, neither of you knowing how to start or what to say. It was you who eventually broke it out of nervousness.

“So, umm, how did it go with that guy you were talking to?” You asked awkwardly.

��Oh, uhh, good. At least, I think so. Gave me a pretty good deal and all.” Ellie replied.

You nodded in response.

“So, hey, uhh, if you need a new plug out here…” She pointed a pair of finger guns at you, to which you half-heartedly chuckled.

“Sorry,” She apologized. “I’m not really as smooth as I would like to think.”

“Don’t worry, I still think you’re plenty charming. Dorky, but charming.” You gave her a soft, affectionate smile that she returned as you saw her turn slightly pink underneath her numerous freckles.

“So, uhh, are you okay? I don’t mean to pry or anything, and you don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to—” She began to ramble.

“Ellie,” You said, chuckling. “It’s alright. I don’t mind, and you’re not prying.”

She let out a quiet sigh of relief.

“Just a bunch of bullshit in regards to my ex,” You explained. “Thought I was past it all, but…”

Ellie nodded in understanding.

“Still not over her?”

“Oh, god, no, no, I’m completely over her,” You clarified quickly. “But dealing with the outcome of it all… isn’t necessarily fun.”

“Yeah,” Ellie agreed. “I completely get it.”

You looked up at her with an expression of gratitude.

“Man, this lesbian shit is real fucking messy and complicated, huh?” She quipped in an attempt to lighten the mood. You couldn’t help but giggle at her joke.

“How’d you know that I wasn’t okay?” You asked her after a beat or two.

“The people I was with earlier said that the pretty girl I was talking to suddenly looked stressed and ran to the bathroom.” Ellie explained, shrugging. You attempted to hide your bashful smile as you felt your cheeks go hot again.

“Wanna get out of this disgusting bathroom and go smoke some more?” She asked.

You and Ellie were passing another joint back and forth again several feet away from the Sigma Eta frat house. You’d both taken shelter underneath a nearby tree, listening to the muffled bass drops of yet another bad EDM song currently playing from the frat house. The weed was calming your nerves down slightly, but you had a gut feeling that it was Ellie’s presence that was the actual cause of your peace of mind.

“Damn, I really wanna try your lavender-laced trick now.” Ellie said after taking a hit of the joint.

“I mean, it’s not really my trick. It was my ex’s idea.” You chuckled dryly as you watched her blow the smoke up towards the night sky.

“Oh, fuck that shit. I don’t know her and I know you, so it’s your recipe.” She disagreed. You laughed graciously at her argument.

“Can I ask what happened?” Ellie began, handing the joint to you. “Like, did the bitch suddenly call or text you, or…”

“Nah,” You said after a puff. “She posted something on Instagram and, I don’t know, I guess seeing evidence of her existence triggered something in me.”

“Wait, you don’t have her blocked?”

“No…” You admitted sheepishly. “I still follow her and everything…”

“What!!” Ellie exclaimed. “Why?!”

“I don’t know!” You laughed at her immediate indignation. “I just could never get myself to actually do it!”

“Alright, no more free weed for you!” Ellie proclaimed, swiftly snatching the joint out of your fingertips.

“Noooo!” You whined.

“You’re on a time-out for still keeping your stupid ex-girlfriend in your life in some kind of way!”

“Look, I like to lurk sometimes! I can’t do that if I have her blocked!” You protested, attempting to take the joint back from her.

“Oh, now you’re definitely not getting any more free weed!” Ellie said, holding the joint up and away from your reach.

“How else am I supposed to be a miserable, pathetic lesbian who needs to be sad and tragic if you don’t let me!!” You said, giving up and crossing your arms over your chest in a huff.

“Pretty girls like you should be spending their freshman year in college in their drunken whore eras, not in an ‘I’m gonna sulk over my worthless ex the whole time’ era!”

“Ugh. Yeah, I know, I know,” You sighed. “But that all sounds like so much work!”

“Alright, give me your phone.” Ellie said suddenly.

“What?” You asked, surprised. “Why?”

“Just give me!” She insisted, holding her free hand out.

You pulled out your phone from one of your skirt’s pockets and handed it over to her, eyeing her suspiciously.

“What are you up to, Ellie?” You inquired of her.

“Just hold this!” She replied, handing you the joint. “But no smoking!”

“Yes, sir!” You said with a salute before taking a quick puff.

Ellie rolled her eyes, chuckled, and had you unlock your phone before taking it back to open up your Instagram.

“Okay, what’s your ex’s name?”

“... why?” You asked skeptically.

“Just trust me!”

You squinted your eyes at her before reluctantly giving her your ex’s name and Instagram handle. As you took a generous hit of the joint, you leaned over and watched as Ellie went to your ex’s profile and blocked her.

“Ellie!!” You protested.

“This is for your own good!” She exclaimed.

“Oh god,” You laughed. “Yeah, yeah, maybe.”

“Definitely.” She asserted before typing another handle into your Instagram search bar.

“What are you doing now?” You asked dubiously.

“Replacing your ex with a hotter, much cooler person.” She explained simply before handing your phone back and taking the joint out of your hand.

You looked at your screen to see Ellie’s Instagram profile and realized she’d followed herself through your account.

“Wow. Dinosaur nerd, huh?” You said, noticing one of her posts was of her posing geekily next to a dinosaur skeleton display in some museum.

“Shut up.” She chuckled before hitting the joint.

“Well, are you gonna follow me back?” You asked.

“I don’t know, I don’t really know you that well.” Ellie shrugged.

“You dick!” You scoffed, to which she laughed. “What happened to us being lifelong best friends?”

“Calm down, calm down,” She chuckled, holding the joint between her teeth and already pulling out her phone. “Bossy.”

You felt your phone buzz with a new notification from Instagram.

“There you go,” She said, putting her phone back in her pocket. “Now we’re official lifelong besties.”

You laughed. Your affection for this incredibly handsome and charming girl that you had just met tonight was growing more and more by the second. Every time she laughed at a joke you’d make or stared at your lips a little too long or brushed her skin against yours, you wondered if you were imagining it or if she had been feeling the same spark too.

“Hey, umm,” You began. “Thank you for that.”

“Don’t have to thank me. I’m sure you would have done it eventually. At least, I hope so.” She chuckled at the last part.

“Oh, I don’t know. I honestly hold on to shit like that forever. I would have probably stayed following her ‘til I was I was fifty.”

Ellie laughed.

For the next few minutes, you told her all about the sorry tale of the break-up between you and your ex. As you and Ellie went through and finished yet another joint, she listened to you intently while she leaned against the tree you’d been standing next to. She didn’t interrupt you, aside from an occasional supportive comment or two, intent on letting you rant your pent-up frustrations out.

You hadn’t opened up to anyone else about this, apart from your cousin Rafael. It felt like you had nobody else left to trust your heart with. And yet, there was something so different and familiar about Ellie that made you feel so at home, so comfortable confiding such intimate thoughts and experiences. She happily entertained you as you confessed to her the way you’d never done before with anyone else, her face looking so sympathetic and gentle as she watched you ramble.

“Oh my fucking god,” You eventually said after a while. “I can’t believe I’ve been babbling nonstop about my bullshit, I am so sorry, I—”

You buried your face in your hands in embarrassment.

“Hey, no, no,” Ellie interrupted, pulling your hands away from your face. “None of that. Don’t apologize, please. It’s shit that you obviously have needed to get off your chest for a long time now. I don’t mind listening at all.”

“Okay, but I’m a total stranger who just trauma dumped on you like a dumbass—”

“Alright, no, you are not a dumbass,” Ellie insisted. “And lifelong best friends, remember?”

She gave you a soft smile and began to rub her thumbs against your palms, her warm touch making you tremble.

“Oh, hey, you’re shivering, here.” Ellie said, taking off her motorcycle jacket and placing it around your shoulders.

“Oh,” You said, “T-thanks, Ellie.”

“Looks really good on you.” She commented, smiling. You felt your cheeks go hot again.

“It-it’s very nice.” You said.

“Yeah, it’s my dad’s old jacket. He gave it to me when I was around 14. He used to be a delinquent and was part of some gang or something when he was younger. Rode motorcycles a lot or some shit like that. I’ll tell you more about it one of these days.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Ellie seemed to realize how close she was to your face and how intimately she was holding you. A little sheepish, she walked back a few steps to lean against the tree. She crossed her arms against her chest and, her arms now uncovered, you noticed a large tattoo covering her right forearm.

“I like your tattoo,” You commented. “What is it?”

“Oh,” She said, glancing down at her arm. “It’s a moth with some ferns around it.”

“It’s absolutely gorgeous.”

“Thanks. My ex-girlfriend did the tattoo itself, but I created the design.”

“Woah, really?”

“Yeah.” Ellie said, chuckling at your admiration.

“I know you were telling me earlier that you like to draw, but that really is something.”

“It is?” Ellie replied. You could see her blushing even under the dim glow of the moonlight.

“You’re really talented, Ellie.”

“Nah. I mean, my ex-girlfriend Cat, she did a lot of work making it look better and shit.”

“Still, it’s very impressive.” You insisted. “Do you think— Can I…?”

You extended a hesitant hand out towards her tattooed arm. She smiled warmly as she offered it to you.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

You lifted your outreached hand to trace your fingertips across the multiple leaves decorating her skin. You stared at the intricate design of the Death’s-head hawkmoth that was perched atop the ferns.

“It really suits you.” You said.

“You think so?”

“I do.”

As you continued to stroke Ellie’s tattoo, you felt electricity once again run between you two. You looked up at her to see her ocean green eyes staring at you. You’d never seen anyone look at you that way, not even your ex-girlfriend. You tried to decipher her expression when the moment was suddenly interrupted by your name being called coming from the direction of the frat house.

“There you are!” Tara exclaimed, half-jogging towards you.

“Oh, hey, Tara.” You greeted her, pulling your hands away from Ellie.

“Been looking for you everywhere.” Tara said.

“Sorry, the party was getting a little too much for me. Needed a breather.” You apologized before gesturing towards your companion. “This is Ellie, by the way. She’s Jesse’s roommate.”

“Oh, hey, nice to meet you, man.” Tara said, nodding towards her in greeting. Ellie replied with a nod of her own.

“This is Tara, my roommate.” You gestured to Tara this time.

“Nice to meet you too, dude.” Ellie repeated back to her.

“So, uhh,” Tara began. “Half the group is completely wasted, and Astrid really wants to get rid of that guy Fred who has not stopped trying to grope her all night.”

“Oh, gross. Is she alright?”

“Yeah, she’s okay. But we’re gonna order an Uber and we’re about to head home in a sec. Did you wanna come with or…”

“Oh, umm…” You turned towards Ellie.

“Go on,” Ellie replied, smiling. “I think I’m gonna go find my friend Dina.”

“I’m gonna go gather up the girls.” Tara said, pointing a thumb towards the house. “Nice to meet you again!”

“You too, man.” Ellie said as you both watched Tara walk off.

“Go ahead,” Ellie said, head motioning after Tara. “Go help your friends.”

“Are-are you sure?” You said hesitantly.

“Here, give me your phone again.” She said, holding her hand out. This time, you didn’t hesitate and unlocked it before handing it to her.

You watched as Ellie quickly typed for a few moments before placing it back in your hand. Glancing at the screen, you saw that she’d texted a new contact she’d named “Ellie 😛” with the message “hey sexy” accompanied by a winking emoji.

“Oh my god, you’re annoying.” You said, laughing.

“What, you don’t think I’m sexy?” She replied, grinning.

“Goodbye, Ellie.” You chuckled, walking away a couple of steps before suddenly stopping in your tracks.

“Oh, wait, your jacket—” You said, beginning to shrug off her old motorcycle jacket.

“No, go ahead and keep it.” She interrupted, securing it back onto your shoulders.

“Are you sure?” You asked.

“Gives you a good excuse to see my sexy ass later.” She smirked.

“Shut up,” You said, unable to hide a smile. “You are so annoying.”

“You love it.” She said, smirking once more.

As she adjusted the jacket onto you, you realized just how close she was again. You stared at her and she stared right back. There was a moment or two when you gazed into each other’s eyes, neither saying anything. You felt heat increasingly rising to your face when she suddenly brushed a piece of hair from your forehead.

You found yourself completely unwilling to leave this bubble that enclosed only you and Ellie. It was extraordinary how intimately absorbed you felt in this person you’d only seen for the first time today, how enchanted you felt by merely being in her presence. In just a few hours, she filled your mind completely with thoughts of her and only her. You prayed that this wasn’t a chance meeting but the beginning of something life-changing.

The moment was once again interrupted, this time by Jesse.

“Dude, I was—” Jesse began, but upon seeing what he’d walked in on, his sentence faltered. “Oh, shit, sorry—”

“It’s okay, Jesse,” You assured. “I gotta go, anyway.”

You turned back towards Ellie.

“I’ll, umm, see you soon?” You asked nervously.

“I hope so.” She replied, smiling softly.

You began to walk back towards the house, giving a quick goodbye to Jesse. Once you reached the front porch and before you walked through the door, you turned back to where Ellie and Jesse were standing beneath the tree.

You lifted your hand and waved at Ellie, which she returned with her own soft wave. The look on her face looked completely dazed and awestruck. You bit your lip in nervous anticipation, looking into her ocean green eyes one more time before walking into the house.

After a beat or two, Jesse finally spoke.

“Is she wearing Joel’s old jacket?”

“Shut the fuck up, Jesse.”

author's notes:

i can’t believe this is finally out!! sorry for taking so long to update this, but hopefully how long this is will make up for the time ♡︎

the "barbie heterosexual" line is a reference to a line from the iconique movie "imagine me and you" :)

reader's little spiel to tara about her dating preference is just another little love letter of mine towards masc/butch/stud lesbians. just love y'all so much, you deserve the world.

fred is named after another jackson resident in the actual game (as i've probably mentioned before, all the character names in this fic are purposeful: either named after actual characters or named after people irl). i thought it was a silly little reference for him to go after astrid cause in the games, he's barely mentioned except at one point when it's seen he was paired up with astrid for patrol at one point. i enjoy my little easter eggs :)

the descriptions of most of reader’s friends are slightly based on the physical appearances of some of my irl friends :)

i’ve discovered that i really love making these flashback chapters hehe

like i said, i’m so sorry for taking forever to update this!! my life has been an absolute shit show lately (if you’ve been keeping up with my personal ramblings on here, you know by now lol). but the next few chapters have been basically mapped out already, so hopefully it won’t take me that long to update this with the next chapter ♡︎

taglist: @lonelyfooryouonly, @elliesinterlude, @sawaagyapong, @peppesgirl, @iconsoft, @maybeidohaveadhd, @ellieswifee, @valiantllamapersonpony-blog, @nil-eena, @echostinn

@uraesthete, @softbunlvr, @cherriesxinthespring, @amitycat, @thefishymissy, @yevheniiaaaa, @machetegirl109, @bertandfearnie, @ximtiredx, @efam

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@whenlostinthedarkness, @elsbouquet

#nobody compares to you series #ellie williams #dealer!ellie #ellie x reader #ellie x you #ellie x y/n #the last of us #tlou #the last of us part 2 #tlou2 #ellie fanfiction #belle speaks #belle writes

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i-spaced-sorry · 7 months

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Happy Halloween Eve! I am posting 2 stories about Halloween (today and tomorrow), today's is a Halstead Sister one and tomorrows is a Halstead brothers one. Both stories actually happened to me growing up, so enjoy!

What are you supposed to be?

“Mama mama, can Jay and Will take me trick or treating this year?” y/n asked. Y/N was 7yrs old and wanted to be a big kid just like her 10 and 13 year old brothers.

“As long as you stick close to Will and stay in the neighborhood” replied your mom.

“Yes!” you shouted while running to put the finishing touches on your costume.

An hour later, Jay walked into your room dressed in his army guy costume,

“Are you ready to go?” he asked.

“Yup” you stated while shoving the rest of your hair into your hat.

Turning around Jay shook his head, “weren’t you that last year?”

“Yea and what’s it to ya?” you sasses back.

“Nothing, sorry I said anything, let’s go. Will said the house at the end of the street has king sized bars”

To any child, especially under the age of 10, that was the music to your ears and thus you grabbed your brother’s hand and pulled him towards the door, where your other brother was.

“A wizard? Again?” asked Will when he took in your costume.

“What’s wrong with recycling a costume?” you asked.

“It’s just -” started Will but he cut himself off when he noticed your mom walking in the room with a camera.

“Just what?” you dared to ask.

Will stayed silent and wrapped his arms around you and Jay in a way to distract.

“Just what, Will? You pestered while turning to look at your eldest brother.

“Leave it Y/N” hissed Will while turning your head to face your mom.

“Cheese” the three of you smiled. Once your mom was done with taking the pictures, you bugged Will again, “Will, come on spit it out. Why does me wearing a costume over again matter?”

“Leave it Y/N” hissed Will again.

Jay, who had enough of this whining blurted out, “because it makes us look even more poor than we are Y/N, happy?”

“Jay!” shouted Will

Jayson Alexander” shouted your mother from the other room.

“Oh” was all you could mutter shyly.

******

“Let’s hit up the house at the end of the block, Connor was saying they have king sized candy bars” exclaimed Will while you guys walked away from Ms. Carmicals house.

“Yea!” you and Jay exclaimed while slinging your pillow cases over your shoulders.

As you approached the house, you noticed little kids dressed as various different animated characters walking away from the house. All with big candy bars in hand. You skipped ahead in anticipation for your chance at the big candy.

“Well, what do we have here, a buzz lightyear, an angel, and a mario” stated old man O’Riley while dropping candy in each of the trick or treaters bags. “You all look so good” he stated while they walked away.

Next in line was you, Jay, and Will.

“Well, Well, Well, what do we have here? An Army man, a doctor, and ah-” faltered old man O’Riley.

“What are you supposed to be, little man?” he asked.

“I’m a girl” you stated confidently.

“Oh, my, well what are you supposed to be?” Old man O’Riley asked again while your brothers stifled laughs.

“I’m a wizard!” you exclaimed while holding out your pillowcase in hopes of getting your candy. And sure enough, old man O’Riley placed a king sized bar in your bag.

“Thank you” the three of you exclaimed while walking away.

****

“I remember that! You were mortified” laughed Jay while taking a bite of his pumpkin pie. You and your brothers were sat around the kitchen table reminiscing on Halloween growing up.

“And I remember you and Will just laughed and made fun of me” you bit back.

“We can’t help that you were such a tomboy growing up that you even chose costumes that were geared towards boys” stated Will.

“Costumes shouldn’t be defined as girl or boy centered, I always liked the idea that you can dress up however you like” you confidently replied.

“And that’s what we will always love about you” started Will

“You dance to the beat of your drum,” added Jay.

Smiling, you ate some pie and asked, “So, do you guys have any crazy stories from Halloween growing up? Maybe one I haven’t heard before?”

“Did we ever tell you the time Jay walked right into someone’s house while trick or treating?” asked Will while looking at Jay.

“No? Do share” you choked out after swallowing your pumpkin pie bite.

____________________________________________________________

tag list: @fangirlfrom-hell

#jay halstead imagine #will halstead imagine #will halstead x reader #jay halstead x reader #halstead sister x halstead brothers #halstead sister imagine #chicago pd #jay halstead #will halstead #halstead sister #halstead!sister

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macdenlover · 5 months

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Question for ya about genderbent mac and gender/sexuality performance. Assuming she would have a similar repression then coming out experience, would you change her appearance/presentation? I feel like in recent seasons mac's changed so much so I'm curious how you'd represent that in your art!

okay so! @bitseventimes made some really good points in this post about this idea already so i’m kinda piggybacking.

short answer: not really? i’d keep her presentation pretty in line with canon mac so she’d be rockin the tommy bahamas shirts the same seasons as him. i think my version of fem mac would have always been sorta masc except for the few occasions she’s had to put on a dress. but she’d complain about it the whole time. I think her evolving relationship with gender expression and sexuality over the seasons would be less visual and more internal/behavioral.

long answer: unfortunately i don’t think it’s really possible to do a perfect 1 to 1 genderswap parallel that carries ALL the nuances of a character’s relationship queerness/gender expression while still keeping that character recognizable. so it’s okay to bend the rules a little. my headcanon is that fem mac was always a tomboy but saw femininity as a shitty obligation you have to deal with once in a while for show, similar to canon mac’s relationship with having sex with women. i think i saw someone hc that fem mac would wear dresses to church to be closer to god and like yeah. that’s exactly it. overall her demeanor and interests and style would stay pretty close to canon mac. i think early seasons mac would feel ashamed for not being as put together as other girls and especially denise who always has perfect hair and perfect makeup and mac can’t even put eyeliner on without almost blinding herself. and that combined with repressed lesbianism would manifest into this misogynistic pick me “i’m not like other girls” mentality. she’d still have just as much cognitive dissonance as canon mac—convincing herself that dudes like natural girls better anyway but also of course denise has gotten laid so many times she always looks like a whore. and then that changes when mac comes to terms with being gay. (some of the misogyny is still there though this is it’s always sunny in philadelphia). anyways she starts fully embracing the butch thing with more confidence in the later seasons because turns out bitches really dig it. but if denise wants to do her make up every once in a while she sure won’t complain. if you really want to explore queer repression in relation to hyperfemininity it’s wayyy more interesting through denise’s character and it fits really well with whats already established in canon dennis. mac’s performance of femininity would exist as this external factor but denise’s performance of femininity would be so much more internalized and rooted in her self worth. mac takes her heels off 15 minutes into the party because she’s impulsive and it’s irritating and denise bears through the pain because if she can’t be beautiful then what is she whats the point? denise would belittle mac for not putting enough effort into her appearance but deep down she wants the strap so fucking bad would be sort of jealous of the freedom mac has with her appearance and she’d grow more and more resentful toward her in the later seasons after mac comes out.

sorry this turned into a macdennis analysis post and i’ve flown way off the rails from ur ask 😭😭😭 but hopefully you get what i’m saying

#genderbent sunny

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mdhwrites · 2 months

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What do you think about the four most popular ships in Amphibia (Sashanne, Sasharcy, Marcanne, and Sashannarcy)? Even if shipping and romance aren’t that important and only used to teach a lesson or for a comedy episode, it’s pretty obvious that the relationship between the girls can be seen either as platonic or romantic.

So I'm going to first give my one sentence thoughts on each by concept and then canon before going in deep on this:

Sashanne: A unique dynamic that is actually very context specific so hard to actually recreate and I'd argue most people don't even try or get close in fan works (myself included)/I do like them but I 100% think they needed a couple years to figure out their lives away from each other or else post Amphibia they would have likely become toxic in a new way.

Sasharcy: Classic nerd and popular pairing/FUCKING NONEXISTENT.

Marcanne: A bit more nuanced since it's much more the slacker and the passionate one as far as a dynamic goes but not in the way you expect./Held back by a lot more tell don't show, especially in the first couple episodes that Marcy is introduced but it's cute and you can EASILY see how this whole trip will have made Anne be able to appreciate her oldest friend more.

Sashannarcy: In concept these are actually a GREAT polyamory trio and I love that it has such mainstream appeal with a fandom/I don't think it works from the show's perspective because of how well defined Sasha and Anne's relationship is while Marcy struggles to have a presence.

In case you didn't notice a running theme, these ships have essentially the same problem as my greatest problem with the show: Marcy. Her weaker writing compared to the rest of the cast and the fact that she serves a narrative role more than she acts as her own character makes it hard for me to be compelled by her canon self in ships. It's akin to why Willow and Hunter don't appeal to me from a shipping perspective. I like characters, not plot devices. Yes, Marcy is better than both of those characters as she actually has a firmer character than either but that doesn't fix that her narrative utility comes before who she is most of the time.

The other big element that maybe has always held me back from shipping them in canon once I watched the show is actually the fact that I agree with the show: As teenagers, they were AWFUL for each other. Marcy needs her own, personal strength that she found some of in Amphibia but needs to actually put to use in the real world. Sasha brutally changed so much of herself and was clearly struggling with that, over correcting or still wanting to run even to the end. She asks if it's okay for her to abandon Marcy after all, even after she's gone so far to make up to Anne as to give up ALL power in her life which isn't healthy either. Anne is the closest to being ready for a relationship after Amphibia but Sprig's Birthday/Give a Frog a Cookie showed that her self sacrificing tendency for her friends and her desperation for approval still. She may do it for better people than for Sasha but she is still struggling.

They all just need time to figure themselves out as people because your relationships SHOULD NOT DEFINE YOU. That's kind of part of the point of the ending. Take the good and grow as a person, whether you lose someone by choice or by circumstance. That includes for the trio as friends or romantically.

Okay, but I did mention something potentially quite controversial which is my Sashanne take. See... Their dynamic in most fandom works is the overzealous, brash one versus the patient, more responsible one with Sasha and Anne respectively. That is accurate post Amphibia but it also carries NONE of their baggage and usually leans a lot more on Sasha's tomboy nature instead of the fact that Sasha is a girl who can both kick your ass and then worry about having chipped a nail. The complexities of Sashanne that make it so compelling in the show just don't show up as much except as an obstacle to get over to get together. That works for shipping but it's not why their friendship is as complicated and interesting as it is in the show. It doesn't have the punch it should and it's damn near impossible to replicate because that level of history is hard to depict. It only functions in the show as being well depicted because of how much time is spent essentially breaking Anne out of Sasha's control, which is part of it. Anne is someone who pretty much left a cult and Sashanne is her having to decide to now be with her cult leader but not slip back into the mentality the cult taught her. That's... not easy to put it mildly.

But then again, a lot of people just take Sasha and Anne working together for a greater cause to mean they have literally no issues anymore despite Sasha's Angels existing. I guess that happens when somehow the entire fandom doesn't give a fuck about Amphibia but only the trio. sigh

Let's end this on a positive note though which is that if I am so rough on essentially all the Sasha relationships for needing time for Sasha to genuinely internalize her lessons, Marcy is the opposite. While I complained about her above, the strength to the fact that she's a pretty well defined, nice character who can be used mostly to support others arcs is that she more neatly fits into a position for shipping. Her awkwardness and nerdiness is PRIME romance fodder (there's a reason a shocking amount of romantic protagonists are clumsy but that's for a different blog) and her passion makes it easy to understand why someone would want to be with her.

And I do want to say some thoughts on Marcanne. Even if they start on a rough place with more tell instead of show, it actually does kind of work in this context. A complaint I've had about other relationships is not actually knowing what the other is interested in their partner for besides "That's the hot one." There is ZERO ambiguity here. Marcy likes Anne because of her compassion, something she probably has worried about wearing out herself. Anne has always appreciated Marcy's intelligence but Amphibia has made her understand Marcy's passion far better than she did before and Anne clearly actually is into that now that she better cares about others properly. This also clearly shows their chemistry as we know the strengths and weaknesses each of them cover for the other, though not perfectly as they're both still human and the same things they admire in the other can cause anxiety and worry in themselves from comparing themselves to their partner. Marcy in Wartwood and Scavenger Hunt are all it takes for all of this to come out and it leads to more romantic chemistry, and a genuinely dynamic look at what they could be, than a lot of romance movies manage in their entire runtime.

In conclusion, I like all of them in general. In practice, I find most of them deeply compelling within the show. It's just... It doesn't drive me to want to write them during the show romantically because I agree with the show. They're complicated, both as a trio and as themselves, and they probably could use a more solid ground for themselves before they really start working on each other.

And that is honestly even better to me because it just makes them all the more interesting.

======+++++======

For anyone curious why I didn't talk about Sashannarcy at all despite literally being a polyamory writer, it's because I kind of wanted to keep it to the ships that I think are properly represented in the show and Marcy and Sasha get essentially zero time together to try and form a relationship beyond "Marcy thinks Sasha is really fucking cool while Sasha barely gives Marcy the time of day if she's not also giving attention to Anne." The theoretical would be fun to talk about but it's pretty much only the theoretical and I decided to keep the blog more focused on the practical.

Also had a moment after this of going "Huh. I wonder how much of me being demiromantic is playing a part in how I see these.?

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

#amphibia #Marcanne #Sashanne #Sasharcy #Sashannarcy

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seventeenlovesthree · 10 days

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Digi Dynamic Shipping Game

Send me two names among the following 12 and I’ll write a short analysis post about them:

Whether canon provides input on them or not.

Boy, do I love to refer back to "Butterfly" and how it basically framed Taichi as the male main character and Sora as the female main character throughout. One might argue that this is a combination that has been occurring in quite a lot of anime - particularly kids and Shounen related - back in the 90s and early 2000s, so... Asking whether or not canon provides input on them is like asking if water is wet. They've known each other since elementary school, have been in the same class ever since (and will continue to be classmates until graduation) and even attended the same football club for a while. They start the series as "almost telepathically connected" football club duo (basically a novel quote right here), adventurous and hands-on plot drivers, the courageous leader and the tomboyish but caring voice of reason right by his side. You instantly get the impression that they are familiar and close with each other and it's a theme that continues throughout the entire first season; not only because they consistently jump into action and call out, care for and protect each other, but because they, their bond, their loyalty and development are basically responsible for the fact that the kids get through everything alive in the end.

Trying to describe the extent and depth of their relationship would probably end with me writing a whole novel, so I will try to keep this brief, because... You know them. Similarly to Taito, Koumi and Takari, Taiora has been a staple in the shipping scene ever since the conception of Digimon Adventure back in 1999 - and for good reason. As mentioned, there used to be - and still is - a trope to pair up the main boy and main girl with one another and this case is no exception, considering how well they play off of each other, supporting and saving each other time and time again. Digimon Adventure is a special series though - a series whose creators intended to break through tropes and stereotypes, turning those on the head whenever possible. So while Taichi's and Sora's bond may be so significant that the idea of them ending up together seems inherently plausible - this is not how their story ends.

The tomboy, who struggles with her sense of femininity and identity, cannot deal with her best friend gifting her a hairclip - and while they seem thoroughly devoted to and on each other's minds, they develop in different directions. There is a theme of miscommunication between them as they grow older, little quarrels here and there - but at the same time, there is still an incredible sense of mutual fondness and protectiveness that, despite a growing physical distance, never completely vanishes. "If you love someone, let them go", is a quote that may come to mind when you take a look at the screenshot above and are aware of its context. Whether that kind of love was romantic or platonic at this point? We may never know.

This is the story of two close long-term friends, who were not meant to be together - wrong time, wrong place.

... Which doesn't mean that there isn't a potential "right time", right...?

Whether I think why and how they’d work.

What I mentioned above seems to be somewhat cryptic and what I'm about to outline may or may not break canon to a certain degree, but HEAR ME OUT.

While this headcanon is, for now, nothing more than a headcanon, but I am a big supporter of @dutchforstrangers' interpretation of the epilogue, leading to the idea that Yamato and Sora might not remain together/married. This post is not meant to be Sorato slander in any way and I will not go into detail here as to why I think this is a valid headcanon - just know that there are a few subtext aspects in regards to their behavioural patterns and body languages that leave room for speculation. And that's all there is to it: SPECULATION!

The point I am trying to make here is, once again, that Taichi and Sora may not have been ready to be in a relationship early in life - because they first had to come to terms with themselves, their real dreams, aspirations and needs. They had to become comfortable with themselves (particularly after the loss of their Digimon partners) to bridge the (physical and emotional) distance that had festered between them through the years. Because if you think about it, due to their underlying insecurities, they both chose the same approach in their early twenties: Isolating themselves from the rest of their friend group. And I feel like they both have to come to the conclusion first that this is a state that could never bring them long-lasting happiness. They're both social beings that shrivel when they're left alone for too long. (They may also need the encouragement of their friends - particularly Mimi, Koushirou and Hikari - to get there though.)

So it may take a while, weeks, months, maybe even years, to reconcile, step by step. Rekindling their bond, making up their minds about their true passions and career paths, rediscovering old and finding new hobbies and similarities along the way; whether it's about their shared love for their friends, football, adventurous and sporty activities, probably therapy???, whatever it may be... Until they'd reunite with their partners and, with a gleeful but weary smile on their faces, realize that they just had to grow up to this point to eventually find each other as well.

Whether I’d prefer them as platonic or romantic ship.

In case the way I've been talking about them hasn't made it obvious yet - I do love Taiora a lot. While I hadn't started actively shipping Digimon characters until I started watching Tamers, I always had an incredible soft spot for them and up to this day, Taichi and Sora are my second favourite choice for each other. You could say that, in every possible universe in which Taich doesn't end up with Koushirou, he WOULD end up with Sora if I had anything to say. It's also no secret that Taikoura is my absolute favourite OT3 and I really think they COULD work out beautifully together. In the end, both romantic and platonic Taiora is absolutely beautiful to me - especially because it brought some very special, wonderful people into my life. Long story short: As long as their closeness persists in any way, shape or form, I'll be happy.

I also still maintain that the reboot timeline could potentially go there, but I will not get my hopes up... Yet.

#meta #my two cents #shipping game #shipping analysis #taiora #long post

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leeknowsintrusivethots · 9 months

Text

Marked By Him

| Part 1 | Part 2 |

Pairings: Vampire!Lee Know/OC

Summary: Vampyres dominate the entertainment world with their otherworldly beauty and talent. It's a world you must be born into, but a few lucky ones are Marked. Stripped from her home and everything she knows, Minji's Marking means that she has to rely on the Devil himself, Lee Minho, to be her mentor. He's cute and sweet to the public, but behind closed doors the monster comes out to play.

Content: Angst, Slow burn, lotsa plot, eventual smut, vampires, dark themes, original characters, first person perspective, general 18+ content, alternate idol universe, asshole Lee Know, surprise love triangle, discussion of blood, discussions of death, discussion of illness

WC: 3218

Minors do not interact. Do not repost my content to other websites, this includes translations.

Notes: Vampire Lee Know is wrecking my ovaries and we ain't even started yet. It just suits him, ya know? Probably Hyunjin too but I might cease breathing.

Sweat trickled from my hairline and had loose hairs sticking to my forehead. I used the bottom of my shirt to dab at it in annoyance as the song that was booming through the speakers came to an end. It was no use. I was drenched and in actual pain. Two hours straight of dancing apparently will do that to you.

"Good job, Ladies! Refreshments are available in the back. Feel free to grab some before you head out and I will see all of you for our next session on Friday night," the dance trainer, a young looking Vampyre woman, called from the front of the room in dismissal. At her words, I relaxed my posture and my muscles groaned in relief. It was only the first dance practice, and it was grueling. I didn't even want to think about how much worse future ones would be.

"You did good, kid," Maeri quipped as she skipped up to me. She had a sheen of sweat on her, but still seemed to be in good spirits. I wasn't surprised. She was an eighteen year old human trainee that had been with JYP since she was fifteen. She was likely well accustomed to the practices, and she was also a dancing talent.

"She's a year older than you, Maeri. Don't forget your manners," Yoojin scolded as she approached to stand with us. Maeri stuck her tongue out childishly at Yoojin who simply gave her a playful glare in response.

"Here. From what I understand, humans need water," Yoojin said, turning her attention back to me. She handed me a bottle of water that I took gleefully.

"Thank you!" I immediately took a large refreshing drink from the chilled beverage as I looked over my current companions and roommates.

Maeri was easy enough to understand. She was one of the human trainees at JYP, and she radiated a youthful energy filled with sunshine and childishness. Her hair was cropped short in a tomboy fashion but she was naturally cute without trying. At our first meeting two days ago, she immediately began treating me like we had been friends for years.

Yoojin was cooler, but still incredibly nice. She was a Vampyre by heritage, her forehead lacking the telltale giveaway of a Mark, and had joined JYP at seventeen. She was now twenty two and gave off cool older sister vibes that immediately made me comfortable around her. Her hair was kept long and she was always dressed in sleek fashion styles even around the dorm and at practice. Just like most Vampyres, she was drop dead beautiful in a way that made me feel almost inferior.

They had both already become a bit of a safe haven for me and I would forever be eternally grateful to them for making me feel more welcomed than my actual mentor did.

Speaking of the Devil…

"Minji!" My name was being huffed loud enough that I could hear it from across the room. Lee Minho marched through the throng of fangirling trainees with a deadly stare leveled in my direction. Gooseflesh covered me at his look - at his mere presence.

"Minho… I-"

"Eleven thirty," he said simply in a gruff voice when he was towering right in front of me. I fought the urge to cower under his irritation. If he was to be my mentor, I had to learn how to control myself better even when he was in a mood.

"I-"

"I don't have time to wait around for you when we agreed to a set time," he interrupted. His frustration was evident, but not nearly as intense as he had been at our first and last meeting. I got the feeling he was tempering himself with the audience in the room.

"I am sorry, Lee Minho. Practice ran a little late and I distracted her from her duties. It's all my fault," Yoojin spoke up suddenly in a sweetly polite voice. I glanced at her in confusion, but she simply shot me a reassuring smile in return.

"Park Yoojin," he mused in a much softer tone. He seemed to contemplate something with one final look in my direction before focusing fully on my roommate. "I might have to ask you to ensure that Minji is more timely in the future."

"Oh, of course. I am sorry to have burdened you," Yoojin smiled gracefully and gave a soft and small bow of respect. "It won't happen again."

Minho contemplated her for another small moment before the irritation melted from his features like ice on a hot summer day. He smiled a small and reserved smile and my breath left me. It wasn't big enough to reach his eyes, but it softened his features and made him look younger - boyishly handsome. He was suddenly the man I had spent countless hours watching variety content for and not the scary Vampyre who was my reluctant mentor.

"Wow," Maeri breathed in a whisper from my side. She had been mysteriously quiet during the exchange, but seemingly couldn't help herself at his shift in demeanor. He barely even spared her a glance.

"Thank you," Minho directed politely, if not coolly at Yoojin before turning his focus back to me. His annoyance had been abated by her charm, but just one look at me and his features were twisting again. "Let's go, Minji."

He turned on his heel and headed for the door of the practice room without waiting for a response. He seemed to be under the impression I would simply fall into line and listen. I wanted to stand there and glare at his back like he was as inconsequential as he treated me, but I didn't. I smiled sheepishly at my new friends in apology while grabbing my duffle bag from the benches and trailing after him with the eyes of an entire room drilling holes into my back.

I had to step quickly in order to catch up with his purposeful stride. He wasn't the tallest man, but he was taller than me and he was walking like he wanted to lose me. Out of a small act of rebellion, I wouldn't let him. When I finally caught up to reach his side, we were in one of the office hallways. He stopped abruptly and punched the button for an elevator without sparing me a glance or a single word. Even on the elevator up, he stayed that way. I didn't exist. I wasn't real: I was the ghost at his side.

His silence was far more comfortable than when he spoke, but his presence still had prickles of awareness and adrenaline shooting across my skin. The danger he possessed would not be ignored even if I could be. As a man, he could overpower me easily: as a mature Vampyre, he could snap my neck with all the effort of pressing an elevator button. I hoped he would never feel inclined to. He was Lee Know, after all. He was weird but cute and caring to his members. He was a nation's idol. He was not a murderer, at least I hoped he wasn't.

When we made it to conference room zero, I didn't even wait for instructions. I sat in the same seat I had two nights ago and pulled out my copy of Marked from my bag along with a spiral notebook I had prepared for notes. I hadn't really needed to notate anything in the introduction chapter, but I was prepared in case Minho had any more insight. I had always been that kid who liked learning and school, but now it was even more personal and vital.

Minho lazily took his chair across the table from me. He didn't have any supplies. All he had was himself and the level look of disinterest he shot at me from across the table.

"I finished the chapter," I started before he could make some mocking or demeaning comment. I was attempting to control a situation that I knew could not be controlled - a man that could not be contained.

"So you can follow instructions," he mused in his bored tone. "Did you have any questions?"

"No. It was all stuff that was in the pamphlets and an overview of future chapters," I answered quickly. I had hoped that our meeting would be quick - that I could escape unscathed. Minho had encouraged as much at our last encounter.

"That's incorrect."

"What?" I asked in confusion.

"The Sickness and Bloodlust were not covered in the pamphlets. If they were, we'd have scared relatives banging down our doors," he explained calmly.

"Well, yes," I admitted after a moment of thought. Both of those topics were the scarier of the things the introduction chapter had touched on, and neither had been covered in the pamphlets that were given to me and my parents when the tracker found me. They were certainly not unknowns however, and I voiced that opinion despite my better judgment. "The Association may not advertise either of them, but it doesn't mean that no one is aware of them."

"And how aware are you?" He asked with amusement. I felt my back stiffen in my seat. Bored Minho seemed tolerable, but amused Minho and I had not had good experiences together.

"Bloodlust happens as a point of maturity for both Marks and born Vampyres - it's public knowledge. The textbook mentioned that it can be harder and stronger for Marks, what with former human sentimentality and all, and usually happens towards the end of the Change," I explained in as clinical a way as I could. Just because I knew, didn't mean it made it less uncomfortable to talk about. In a matter of time, I would leave the luxury of cheesecake behind for human blood or the many substitutes the Association funded. It was morbid and made bile rise in my throat to think about.

"It's hormonal," Minho started. His stare was still level, almost unbothered. "And it's not just blood."

I felt my body heat in discomfort and embarrassment. I knew what he was getting at and I didn't need him to explain further. Just like human teenagers going through puberty, Bloodlust in young Marks and Vampyres always came with a lust of a more human nature as well. The book had briefly mentioned as much along with it being covered more thoroughly in a later chapter. It wasn't something I would have to deal with anytime soon.

"Yes, well," I cleared my throat in nerves before shifting direction. "Everyone knows of the Sickness too. If a Mark is not around mature Vampyres for an extended period of time, they will get sick."

"You," Minho corrected sternly. "You will get sick, and you will die."

His deadpan tone had me shivering at the implications of his words. Humor was a coping mechanism for a lot of people in dark times or on dark subjects, but there was no humor in his statement. It was bland, and it was said with dry amusement. The concept of me ceasing to exist was not even worthy of any ounce of humanity from him.

"I'm here now, so all is good," I nodded sagely more to myself than him. If he would offer no comfort or affirmation, I would give it to myself in the best way I could.

He studied me for a moment, his eyes squinting slightly as if he were looking at a bug under a microscope. As usual, I couldn't help my reaction under his direct stare. My awareness of him shot into high gear, and so did my awareness of myself.

The sweat from dance practice had mostly cooled along with my body temperature, but I felt heat spreading through me again. I knew I looked embarrassing: frazzled hair held back from my bare and unremarkable face in a ponytail and baggy exercise clothes that were stained with sweat. I'm sure I probably smelled like I needed a shower. I knew Vampyres had keener senses than humans, and I suddenly worried I smelled like a men's locker room to Minho. Only a small voice of rational thought in my head cried out in question as to why I would care what he thought. It was quickly silenced by nerves - and admittedly hormones.

I had spent years being enamored with the idol across from me, and not even his attitude soured his levels of attractiveness. He was beautiful, and I couldn't deny it no matter how much the rational part of my brain screamed that beauty could be a facade. It could hide demons better than any mask could - it was the perfect disguise and the perfect get out jail free card.

He brought his arms up to the table and I watched in rapture as the muscles flexed and the veins became more pronounced as he moved. He propped his elbows on the table and rested his head in the palms of both his hands. It was a cute pose, a disarming pose, and when he smiled I felt my heart pound out a symphony of praise.

Lee Know was smiling at me - not Yoojin this time, but me - and I didn't know how to take it.

"Park Jinyoung wants me to make it abundantly clear: if you leave, you will die," he said with the smile still playing at the corners of his mouth. It only seemed to widen as he continued to speak words that didn't fit such a handsome face. "I want to make it abundantly clear: staying doesn't mean you won't die."

"Are you threatening me?" I managed to sputter in astonishment.

"It's not a threat - it's a good natured warning," he responded easily. The smile had faded and his neutral bored expression was back in place. He was messing with me, toying with me. I wanted to fight him, and I had never been inclined towards violence.

"Are you going to be the one who kills me if I stay?" I asked incredulously. It was meant to sound mocking, but I could hear the fear in my voice. If the way Minho's mouth lifted again with a little smirk was any indication, he could too.

"No," he answered cavalierly. "But…"

"Yes because when lives are in question, butts are always a part of the equation," I rambled as he trailed off. It was the adrenaline talking, mild panic setting in at the horror and absurdity of a Kpop idol threatening my life.

"You do know who you're talking to, right?" he asked. The insanity of it was compounded by the humor suddenly evident in his features and the genuine laugh he let out. It was infectious, contagious. It was the same laugh I had fallen head over heels for after watching so many hours of Stray Kids content where he was doing what he does best: being the honorable Butt Hunter Lee Know. That laugh ordinarily would have soothed the tension, made me relaxed and happy, but now it just put me more on edge. He was a psycho - an absolute mental case.

I started to tell him as much when the sound of a phone buzzing cut the tension in the room. It was a normal sound. It was a sound I heard so often before my life had changed completely. It was out of place in a situation that had to be a dream - a wacky nightmare.

"I have to go, but I have homework for you before I do. Think of it as a critical thinking problem." He reached into his pocket to silence his phone without taking his eyes from mine. "Marks are rare, right?"

He posed it as a question, and I immediately took more interest and sobered to the situation actually at hand. It wasn't a dream - it was real life - and I had to be conscious of whatever information I could get. I wanted to live. I wanted to thrive regardless of whatever fucked up biology was going on inside me and to do so required that I listen to the crazy man across from me. He was my mentor. I had to rely on him even if I didn't want to, even if I wasn't convinced he wasn't a murderer.

I nodded in answer to his question.

The Association touted being Marked as bearing an incredibly rare genetic mutation that initiated the Change. It was biology and their explanation of the event was backed by human scientists. Testing for the mutation was still an experimental science, one that most medical professionals had no interest in due to the high costs and minimal humans impacted. All of these factors compounded in Marks only being found at the onset of the Change, or early adulthood. The specific timing only made the mutation appear even more limited.

"Rare, but not that rare. Every year here in Korea alone, a handful are found and placed in the biggest Entertainment Companies as trainees," Minho explained. He seemed to be deep in thought as he did, mulling over his every word carefully even as he spoke. "Do you know of any active groups with a Mark as a member? Have you seen news of any Marks debuting? Switching companies? Getting kicked from their programs?"

His questions were rapid, fired off quickly but calmly. The more he asked, the more my brain went into overdrive. The answer to every single one was a resounding 'no.' It was strange, to say the least, but did it mean anything? Many human and Vampyre trainees came and went, not making any waves or gaining any fame. They simply went back to life as normal, and some stayed to work behind the scenes in production and management. A lack of media presence didn't automatically indicate death.

"So…?" I asked, but the door was already clicking behind him. He was gone and I was left to think on my own, which was not a good thing under normal circumstances and these were no ordinary circumstances. I sat in the conference room for longer than I had intended, thinking over his words and thinking of him. The information he gave me was confusing and he was confusing.

By the time I managed to pull myself up, I felt like an idiot. Lee Minho was fucking with me. He was playing some strange game, a prank even, and I had fallen for it. I had almost gone full conspiracy theory mode because of an asshole who apparently got off on the confusion and misery of others. Now that his presence wasn't around to confuse me, rationality was finally winning out.

I felt better as I made my way out of the office and down to the ground floor. Maeri and Yoojin had agreed to wait for me in the trainee break room in-between lessons. Maeri was going to order lunch and she had talked at length about a Chinese place she had delivered often. Chinese food was one of my great loves in life so my spirits lifted even as my stomach grumbled.

I tried not to, but even with thoughts of Rangoons on the brain, I couldn't help but notice: not a single person out of the many I passed on my way bore Markings.

#stray kids smut #stray kids ff #stray kids fanfic #stray kids scenarios #lee minho fanfic #lee minho smut #lee know ff #lee know fanfic #lee know smut #skz ff #skz imagines #skz smut

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sweetestpopcorn · 5 months

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How would you rank Jaehaerys and Alysanne’s children in terms of greatness/potential? For me, Baelon was best out their children with Saera being second. I also think Viserra was a waisted potential. I think she could have done interesting stuff had she lived. Do you think perhaps maybe Baelon should’ve married her after Alyssa’s death? Obviously, no one could replace Alyssa in his heart.

Hi there :)

I have already kind of answered this regarding my thoughts about Saera and Viserra and none of it is good. I will just link them here and here . Legit they are just portrayed as mean girls with no real depth to them, though of the two, Saera is much, much worse. Viserra I can at least sympathise with since her parents seem to not give half a f_ck about her and did not even extend to her the same courtesy they did her siblings of having a say about her marriage (more here), but that's about it. I don't find anything else likeable about her she's just... empty.

I will go from least favourite to favourite.

Saera and Viserra go right to the bottom of my list. Followed very closely by Vaegon by obvious reasons. Like Vaegon, it literally costs you 0 golden dragons to not be so unlikable.

Then I would say Daenerys, she has a lot of sweet moments but dies young so I don't really know how she would have turned out. Besides, I know it's petty of me, but I don't like other characters having Dany's name. I do like Daenerys, Naerys's daughter but... yeah no more. You don't need more Daenerys, we have our Mother of Dragons. Yes, I know I am petty.

Then Gael because... poor baby 🥺 seriously what was George thinking writing a character who is Alysanne's comfort, with some degree of cognitive disability be r...... by some random singer, give birth, lose her baby, and kill herself?! Like enough's enough. It's literally just to add tragedy to her story and honestly Turtle man it's getting f:cking OLD. I swear this man gets his rocks off by adding tragedy and terrible abuse to female characters. This when he can bother to make them more than a walking womb.

Then I would say Aemon. Maybe he would be higher but at times I just feel he's too perfect if that's a thing. There’s just nothing wrong with him like 😂 he literally does nothing wrong.

Daella comes next because I find her funny. She's such a drama queen 24/7 making everyone around her want to protect her XD even Alyssa. I kind of got the vibes at times from her that she kind of knew what she was doing to get attention. Like the fact that she and Alyssa are Rhaenyra's grandmothers just makes so much sense no matter how you look at it. In a way Rhaenyra seems kind of a mixture of both? With tons of stubborn and style added. Another moment that really endeared me to Daella was her very tragic death, and how despite all her suffering she still wanted to be given Aemma and to feed her. Prime mom material right there -> like you can tell both from her and Alyssa that Rhaenyra got some top notch mom genes.

Then Alyssa of course, because she was THE queen. Literally she was just a better behaved version of her son and I'm here for it! I love how despite the fact that she was clearly a tomboy she still wanted to marry Baelon and give him an army of kids X'D because these two things are not mutually exclusive and liking or enjoying traditional boy things does not have to say anything about your sexuality or your desire to be a mother - just like being very feminine and liking traditionally feminine activities does not have to say anything about your sexuality or desire to parent. These are rules a society that does not understand nuance and in a sense is deeply sexist and stereotypical likes to put in place and that I find deeply harmful to people. But Alyssa is the BOMB, so funny, so bold, the way she embarrassed Vaegon who was a little sh:t *chef's kiss*

Then there's the best man ever -> Baelon Targaryen

Had his own cool nickname, The Spring Prince, funny, charming, sexy, single dad who never once forgot about his lady with the mismatched eyes, entered a tourney under the name of the Silver Fool... I don't feel like a need to say more, and in an era where all men were literally so problematic, Baelon was IT.

Baelon is what this fandom thinks Corlys is. Sorry not sorry.

And that's it :D

Also no, and more important that should Baelon remarry, the question is did he want to remarry? And the answer is no, and any Baelon fan would respect the Spring Prince and his undying love for his lady with the mismatched eyes <3

#saera targaryen #viserra targaryen #vaegon targaryen #daenerys targaryen #gael targaryen #aemon targaryen #daella targaryen #alyssa targaryen #baelon targaryen #fire and blood #valyrianscrolls #popcorn answers

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dragonfly0808 · 1 year

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Stella: The Thesis

If you’ve read my Fate rant, you know I’ve got a lot of feelings about Stella, so here we go.

Again SPOILERS IF YOU’RE NOT UP TO DATE WITH THE REWRITE, like at least up til Chapter 38 of Season 3

Also, TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of Eating Disorders

First Things First

The first words in my character sheet to summarize her character in the OG are: Spectacular Diva who doesn’t always think before talking.

I think we can all agree that a big point Stella’s character was to combat the mean blonde girl stereotype without making her a tomboy. Letting her love sparkle and be dramatic without being mean. The only times that Stella is mean are when her brain-to-mouth filter fail and she always makes up for it.

I always loved Stella’s character, especially post season 3, and I was very specific about what I wanted to do with her character. Making her a little more mature without taking away any of her Stella charm.

Stella is a perfect character for a ‘fake it till you make it’ mentality and to hide any insecurity behind a kind of ‘armor’. Fashion is Stella’s armor if that makes sense, and she is probably the most insecure in the group, even if she’s been working on it since even before the rewrite begins.

My very first major change is to change the reason she took a sabbatical year. Instead of blowing up a lab carelessly and her dad having to make a ‘generous donation’ to get her back into Alfea, Stella choses to take a year off to work on her mental health and her ED.

So, I chose for her to suffer from Anorexia as a response to 1) a need for validation from her mom, who has a bad habit of commenting on her body, 2) incredible stress from her parents fighting all the time and 3) the pressure of being a future queen affecting her a lot.

We only really see Stella post-healing from her ED, but we still get to see her not taking care of herself as much as she should when very stressed or very emotional, and the group (especially Sky, Brandon, Tecna and Bloom) tend to keep an eye on her to make sure she’s eating properly.

Stella’s at her core, a very caring person. Someone once commented that, while Bloom will be the one to lead the girls in battle, once it’s all over, Stella is the one they look to and the one to take care of all the girls and I feel like that’s a perfect summary of who Stella is as a friend.

Stella feels a lot of responsability towards the girls, both because she’s the oldest and because she just loves them with all her heart and would do anything for them.

We often see her trying to take care of her own emotions on her own or even shoving her feelings down in order to comfort the other girls. (Not talking to Brandon because she doesn’t want him to worry about her, getting her emotions/powers under control to comfort Aisha, etc)

Even though she’s an only child, Stella is very much an older sister. She jokes and teases and is just a little annoying because its fun to her, but the second things get serious, she’s the one they look to for comfort or for a safe place. The first time we see this is in Season 1 when Flora has a breakdown, the other girls freeze because they’ve never seen Flora like this and they’re not sure what to do, Stella instantly takes over, gets her into comfy pijamas, tells the teachers they’ll take the day off and makes the decision to call in someone else to give Flora what she needs at the moment. Like Musa says, ‘Flora is so mature sometimes I forget Stella’s the oldest.’

Another way we see that her caring is her main trait is her dedication to be a good future queen.

Stella is incredibly close with her personal guards Sua and Lola, sees them as mother figures and she knows the names of almost the entire castle personal. She takes as many courses as she can and is not ashamed to ask for extra classes with subjects like Economy so that when her time comes, she can be the queen that Solaria deserves.

This comes into play with her Enchantix, she dies protecting her dad, protecting Chimera even though at the moment Chimera is trying to steal her place, protecting two guards.

We truly see who Stella is with the entire Chimera situation in s3, she knows what it’s like to be 15 and insecure and kinda hate yourself. And she knows what it’s like to feel like she’s alone. So she gives Chimera what her friends once gave to her. Hope, warmth and a chance to remake herself.

Stella takes Chimera in as her little sister even after everything. Because she understands and she cannot not care about her.

Stella’s main trait, that never changes is that she is caring and she will do anything for the people she loves.

Thoughts Behind Main Relationships

Bloom: Bloom is Stella’s person. Like I’ve mentioned, they have a very Taylor Swift, invisible string kind of friendship. They were always meant to be friends.

To Stella, Bloom is part of her very soul, her very being. If Stella is the sun then Bloom is the moon, the two are connected in a way that neither can quite describe.

To Stella, Bloom is safety, she can be vulnerable and weak and just show herself with Bloom and she knows that if she breaks, Bloom will be there to help pull her back together or to be strong for the both of them.

That’s something that Stella has never truly allowed herself to feel before, even with her closest friends. Bloom is the one that she trusts to put her back together if she ever breaks. Because she’d do the same for her.

Brandon: Brandon and Stella have known each other for two years before season 1 and from the moment they met they were drawn to each other.

Brandon somehow saw right through Stella’s facade of confidence that she wore back in the day, and he was intrigued by who she really was. She was a bit intimidated by this but was also intrigued.

It took them a long time to admit their feelings but they have a relationship founded in friendship, softness and trust. They’ve seen each other at rock bottom, they know that they’ll stay no matter what. They feel safe with each other.

Brandon thinks Stella is beautiful of course, but that is not why he fell in love with her, it was pretty much everything else. And Stella didn’t fall for him for his looks either, she fell for the boy who’s a family man and takes care of his four younger sisters and who never hesitated to help Sky and who is just a protector at his core and who always believed in her.

Their love is, ‘I’ve seen you at your worst, I’ve seen what you hide from the world, I know exactly who you are and I am so in love with every aspect and shade of you that I don’t know how I could ever not love you. I know that you’re insecure deep down and I understand that and there is such comfort in how knowing we are of each other that somehow, after a life-time of being terrified to be vulnerable, being weak with you is easier than it should be and all fear goes away when you hold me.’

Sky: Sky and Stella have known each other since birth. They’ve been best friends since they were less than two years old and have always had each other’s back.

One of the major changes I made to season 1 was having Stella know about the switcharoo between Sky and Brandon, mostly because, since she’s known Sky her whole life, they couldn’t really keep it a secret from her.

This formed a dynamic for the trio and made them the closest subunit in season 1 since they’ve known each other the longest.

Stella and Sky are two kids who bonded as kids but continued to deepen their bond as they both realized the weight on their shoulders due to being the future rulers of their respective planets.

These two are definetely siblings. They both had somewhat strict mothers so when together, they love to get to just be goofy teenagers. Their friendship is one of ‘We both have so much to do and a lot of weight on our shoulders but when we’re together we can let go and try to trip each other into a fountain for the fun of it and stick out our tongues just because we can and I know you’d never get mad at me over something like that. But you know that if you even need anything I will be right here and nothing will stop me from helping you.’

Who is Stella in this Rewrite?

Stella is someone who is learning to love herself and come into her own. To accept her insecurities and learn from them.

She is the kind of person who is goofy and has so much personality that you can’t help but just notice when they walk into the room. She is always making people laugh, but the second that things go dire, she is the first to jump to protect her friends. Once the battle is over, she’ll be the first to comfort the others.

Stella is a complex young woman. Who has immense passion and love and care within her and who uses all of that in every single relationship that she has. She pours her love into her studies to be a good queen someday.

She is a woman who has gone through hating herself to starting to truly realize that she is allowed to be proud of herself and even admire who she has become in the face of adversity.

Stella is someone who’s caring at her very core and who shows that care in everything that she does.

Stella is a girl filled to the brim with personality and care and strength. And it shows in everything that she does.

———————

Masterlist

Stella Moodboard

Stella’s Instagram

Bloom and Stella Moodboard

Stella and Brandon Moodboard

Stella and Sky Moodboard

Please comment on this one cause I had a bit of a tough time wording what I wanted to say this time around (that’s why this one took so long) so I’d love to know your thoughts!

#winx club #winx rewrite #winx #winx headcannon #winx fanfic #winx stella #winx headcanons #winx club rewrite #winx headcannons #winx brandon #winx headcanon

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hughjidiot · 6 months

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Thoughts on Season 2, Episode 1 of the Total Drama Island Reboot

So I still haven't seen season one of the reboot in full, only bits and pieces. (IDK what the hell is going on with the US release schedule.) But I've seen enough to get a feel for the plot and characters, and it seems really good. Now the second episode of season two has been leaked and I was able to watch it in full, so here are my thoughts. Spoilers below the cut, obviously.

So Priya is mentioned multiple times as being the season one winner, and to my knowledge Bowie's ending hasn't aired anywhere. Some are wondering if Bowie will even get an ending, but I think he will - alternate winners have been a thing in Total Drama since the beginning, and the finale of the season one was shot in a way that the winner can be interchangeable. So I'm pretty sure Bowie will get an ending where he canonically wins.

Not sure how long Priya, Milie and Bowie will stick around to be honest, since they already got a lot of screentime in season one. Pretty sure Bowie will stick around for a little bit to give us some Rajbow, but I'm not sure about Priya and Millie.

Speaking of Millie, she continues to be her socially awkward self. It's also a nice change of pace to see her genuinely trying at the challenge, even if she still isn't very good.

Caleb is an interesting one. He's obviously still bitter about being voted off first last time, and now he's determined to prove himself. Some have been predicting that he could evolve into a full on antagonist like Justin did in TDA, but I think it's still too early to tell one way or the other. If they go the antagonist route I at least hope he's better than Justin was, who was basically just Alejandro's buggy prototype.

Chase and Emma broke up offscreen, which I'm honestly glad for. I hope this doesn't lead to another "will they/won't they" that lasts for much of the season. In fact if I'm being honest I kind of hope Chase is an early boot and Emma finally moves on to someone who can actually treat her right. That'd be some good development on Emma's part.

Ripper... I'll be honest, he's one of my least favorite contestants of the new generation. He does fit his role of an obnoxious jerk, I'll give him that. But if I'm being honest I hope he's also an early boot because there are other characters far more deserving of screentime; particularly those that got eliminated instead of Ripper back in season one. Which leads me to...

Axel is one of the contestants I'm most excited to see in season two. She's the newest in the "abrasive tomboy" archetype after Eva and Jo. Eva never got any major character development and Jo always stayed a jerk with the occasional moment of kindness, so I was hoping Axel would be the one to break the trend and get some real character development. What we've seen so far with her saying she's trying to be nicer has me cautiously optimistic.

Speaking of character development, how about Nichelle? I and many others expected her to get training and become a stronger contestant, but I wasn't expecting to see evidence of that right off the bat in the first episode! She's another contestant I'll be watching closely.

Damien didn't do a whole lot, which kind of surprised me. Damien was at the top of my list for being a major character in season two, after he lost in season one right as he vowed to start taking the game seriously. But that can still happen; it's only episode one after all, and you can't frontload the first episode with every single plotline right away.

Seeing Julia and MK being on good terms and showing mutual respect was something I didn't see coming after how things went down between them in season one. But you know what, I'm here for an MK/Julia alliance arc. Also MK is my favorite character of the new generation and I look forward to seeing her schemes, especially after she talked about getting her hands on an intern uniform.

Wayne and Raj are wildcards to me, I honestly have no idea how long they'll last or what their specific plots will be. But like I said earlier with Bowie, I think at least he and Raj will stick around for at least a little while for Rajbow. It's genuinely one of the best written couples the show has given us.

Zee I don't picture getting very far. As much as I like Zee he already made it fairly far in season one, and not sure how much material they can get out of his whole "influencer" arc.

Last but not least, Lauren AKA Scary Girl. As a fan of her it hurt to see her voted off first, but I understand; there's other characters that are far more deserving of screentime, and Lauren is pretty one note. That being said, it's obvious we haven't seen the last of Lauren. I'm guessing she'll pull an Ezekiel and keep sneaking back onto to the show to disrupt things.

And that's everything. So far I'm really enjoying this new season and I'll be following it closely.

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dutchforstrangers · 6 months

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I like you in a skirt - Taiora drabble

For @taioraweek 2023 Day 2

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8]

A/N: Here’s a drabble of a concept that has been sitting in my WIPs for what feels like ages. I’m exaggerating obviously, but it’s an idea that has stuck and now’s finally the time to give it a stage. Non-established Taiora, taking place in my "About all the times" universe [x][x].

Loosely ‘based’ on this fanart of Sora holding her school uniform skirt (and looking absolutely disgusted by it).

Summary: Middle school is approaching which means: school uniforms for both Taichi and Sora. Taichi has a hard time imagining Sora -the tomboy- in a skirt, but when he actually sees her...

Day 2: School days | Characters: Taichi Yagami (POV), Sora Takenouchi, Koushiro Izumi | Genre: Friendship | Rating: K | Wordcount: 732

“A skirt…”

“Don’t tell me you aren’t aware of the fact that girls do indeed have to wear skirts in middle and high school, Taichi-san.”

“Yeah, I’m aware. It’s just… I don’t think I can imagine her in a skirt.”

Taichi stared at the closed curtains of the fitting room their female friend was currently in. He had to admit that to some extent, he had liked the idea of seeing girls wearing skirts on a daily base soon. But after seeing the horror in her eyes, holding up the to her hideous thing, he was a tad more careful with what he liked.

He repeated her words in his mind like a broken record playing.

“I do not want to wear a skirt.”

The image of her holding up the thing between only her thumbs and index fingers, the other six fingers keeping a distance to the fabric as if it was the filthiest thing she had ever seen and held, remained stuck with those repeating words.

Sorry was what he felt for her. In fact, Taichi was so sorry he had been trying to come up with what he thought were solutions. To make her laugh, like he always tried. He should’ve known though he would never succeed, like he had not done yet.

“Maybe you can ask to wear trousers instead?”

“And being the only girl wearing trousers? No.”

“Or you could wear the trousers over the skirt.”

“That still makes me the only girl wearing trousers. It’s also one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. So no.”

“Okay, theeeeen… the only option left is burning it and go to school in your underpants!”

“Ugh, I can’t with you!”

He would only make her more mad and annoyed with him.

Koushiro had looked at him like he had seen him looking at him a thousand times, scolding him for being stupid with only his eyes, shaking head and sighs.

In a way, however, Taichi had succeeded. Simply because giving her those rather crazy options made her step into the fitting room and close the curtains shut behind her. And she had not entered it solely to be rid of him, but probably to try the skirt on anyway.

She was stubborn like that and when it came to Taichi, she needed to prove her right of the skirt being awful. Little did she know he was never going to give her that right, even when he had a hard time imagining her wearing one.

She had been in his soccer team for as long as he could remember, always playing alongside the boys. Besides, she wasn’t just playing games as she was one of the few players who could actually score a goal. People would always describe her as the tomboy, the girl who was wearing the pants in every sense and meaning. But she wasn’t as tough as she looked most of the time, under that hard exterior hidden a gentle and caring young woman.

Taichi recalled the times in the Digital World where she had a hard time accepting her Crest. In the end, there was nothing to accept, all she needed was the strength to look at herself in the mirror and see the girl she already but unknowingly was.

The skirt contained the same symbolism. It was the one thing she needed to finally see what feminine potential she was hiding inside.

And underneath those jeans she was always wearing.

He watched the curtain slowly open, revealing his friend dressed in the green colored school uniform. His eyes boldly scanned her from top to bottom, stopping at her skirt for a bit longer, his eyes unable to deny the long legs it was exposing.

A blush started to form on his cheeks.

“What do you guys think?” She asked sounding a bit insecure, her comfortable level low, but not as low and annoyed as it was before.

“I think it suits you better than how you pictured it, Sora-san,” Koushiro answered politely with a warm smile. It made Sora smile back shyly.

“I—erm…” Taichi started, trying to find the right words to say. Pity he could only come up with more stupid-sounding ones.

“I like you in a skirt.”

“Baka,” Sora said, unable to hide the red shade quickly appearing, fumbling with the skirt she was wearing like your typical shy school girl.

#taioraweek2023 #taioraweek #taiora #taichi yagami #sora takenouchi #digimon fanfiction #oc #taichi x sora #digimon #taichi #sora #tai x sora #tai kamiya #tai #koushiro izumi #koushiro #izzy izumi #izzy

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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 4 months

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By: Joseph Burgo, Ph.D.

Published: Jan 17, 2024

As my thoughts began to coalesce around the subject of this essay–adolescents in history rebelling against their parents–memories of an old movie from my childhood kept coming to mind. Even readers who haven’t seen it have probably heard the name–Gidget, a low-budget California beach movie starring Sandra Dee, James Darren and Cliff Robertson. It was released in 1959 and spawned two film sequels, two TV series, and several made-for-television movies. In early December of last year, I tracked down the original Gidget on YouTube and watched it again–some 50 years after I’d first seen it.

The title character’s obsession with surfing, and her transformation from tomboy to infatuated teenager and finally to wise young woman don’t concern me here. It’s the subplot focusing on two other characters that resonates with my subject matter. Kahuna, a man somewhere in his late 20s or early 30s, lives in a shack at the edge of a surfing beach. After serving as a pilot during the Korean War, he has decided to drop out of society and live as a bum, following the sun and traveling the world in search of waves. His only true companion is a parrot named Flyboy, although the gang of teenage surfer boys who hang around him that summer look up to Kahuna as their leader.

One of those surfers, nicknamed Moondoggie, is home for the summer after his freshman year at college; he has resolved to drop out instead of returning to campus in the fall, team up with his hero Kahuna, and pursue the life of a beach bum. Both men have rejected the rules-driven adult world. Neither wants the responsibility that comes with adulthood, viewing it as a kind of prison. In a gesture of defiance, Moondoggie tears up the allowance check he has received from his father and vows to go it alone.

[ Sandra Dee as Gidget (left), James Darren as Moondoggie (middle), and Cliff Robertson as The (Big) Kahuna (right) ]

In 1959 when this film was released, Western Civilization was on the verge of major social upheaval as youth culture began challenging long-standing social norms about sexuality, marriage, and family. But there on the cusp of this revolution, Gidget’s world seems confident that the generation of young people coming of age will eventually submit to the values of their parents. At the outset, Moondoggie and Kahuna are both adolescents rejecting the authority of the existing social order; but in the end, they embrace it. Kahuna gets a job as a pilot. Before returning to college, Moondoggie gives Gidget his pin, a promise of future marriage and a new generation of children to come.

Adolescents rebelling against the authority embodied in an existing social order and eventually becoming reconciled to it—this is a story we’ve been telling for generations.

By identifying as “trans” in today’s youth culture, adolescent rebellion has found a new way to express itself. I don’t want to be simplistic about the society-wide dynamics here. There are other obvious factors involved: a permissive social order in which it’s hard to find any behavior extreme enough to count as true rebellion, for example, and a social media landscape that makes teens feel insecure, insignificant, and desperate to prove they’re unique. But here I want to talk about the way a rebellion against authority can fuel trans-identification in our children.

My 16-year-old client Sophia, for example, had given her parents no trouble as a younger girl. For most of her childhood, she’d been a respectful daughter and a good student. Because her family had moved around quite a bit due to her father’s shifting business, she hadn’t made close friends and rarely socialized outside the family. Her mother had always taken an active interest in Sophia’s schoolwork and athletics. And then one day, Sophia announced that she was trans, told them she wanted to be called Finn, and insisted that her parents use he/him pronouns.

I’ve had other female clients with a nearly identical background, and I’ve heard similar stories from other parents who’ve consulted me about their trans-identified teens. The announcement often comes out of the blue following a mostly non-conflictual childhood, causing a lot of angst and opening a rift between child and parents. Nothing the parents say–no evidence they bring or logic they apply–makes any difference. The child rejects it all from a place of absolute certainty. “I know I’m trans,” they’ll say. “I’ve always known it.”

These children have often been a bit different from the other kids, struggling to fit in. Maybe they were highly gifted or on the autism spectrum. They might just have been “quirky” and beloved for it by their parents. But especially during the teen years, the need to belong to one’s peer group overrides almost everything else; and as American teens have done for generations, these quirky kids reject the values of their parents for new ones held by other kids their own age, especially as they pertain to sex and gender.

Back in the 1970s, Goth became the dominant form of youth rebellion. The Goth scene rejected traditional sexual mores while celebrating new and occasionally deviant forms of sexuality. There are obvious similarities between that movement and today’s transgenderism. Dr. Az Hakeem, a British psychiatrist with extensive experience treating gender distress, has actually referred to Trans as “Goth 2.0.”

The main difference between the two is obvious, however: teens and young adults immersed in Goth might have pierced or tattooed their limbs, but they didn’t have healthy body parts removed by surgeons. They no doubt consumed illicit drugs, but not off-label anti-cancer medications and cross-sex hormones that may leave them sterile. Once they grew out of Goth, young adults were probably left with a few embarrassing tattoos or piercings but no other visible scars, unlike detransitioners today who may be scarred for life.

Contempt for parents often plays a role in youth rebellion, be it mild or toxic. Back in Gidget’s day, the kids were hip while the adults holding onto their old-fashioned ways were square and not at all with it. Today, moms and dads who quaintly cling to the duality of biological sex are clueless about the multiplicity of possible genders; if they refuse to affirm their child’s new identity, insisting it’s impossible to change from one sex to another, they’re deemed transphobic and therefore unworthy of respect. Most of the trans-identified teens I see in my practice feel and express utter contempt for their mothers and fathers. Two of them will turn 18 within the next six months; they both regard their parents with scorn and intend to have no further contact after coming of legal age.

Behind the contempt, I sense a lot of terror about impending adulthood. The teens in my practice look forward to their medicalized transition as if it will be a major accomplishment, more significant than anything else they’ll ever do, but they have little understanding about how to lead a responsible adult life. I often say to my young clients that transition is not an achievement: they still have to figure out what career they’d like to pursue, and how to make enough money to support the lifestyle they want. One of these clients poo-poos the very idea of earning money and insists she’ll live in a camper van, free from responsibility. Another imagines devoting her life to collecting vintage motorcycles, believing that about $30K per year is all she’ll need. None of them ever imagines having children or building a family, much less planning ahead for retirement. They have a narrow vision of their own future that seems to go no further than attaining the freedom to start taking cross-sex hormones.

In this sense they remind me of Kahuna and Moondoggie, those two characters from Gidget in flight from the responsibilities of adulthood. While my clients apparently look forward to escaping their parents’ control and attaining the legal right to make their own choices, they don’t really want the responsibilities that go along with such freedom. On some level, they see transition as an escape from the dreaded reality of adulthood, a triumph over the tedious world of facts, financial obligations, and inevitable limits.

There’s another classic film you might know, The Graduate, directed by the brilliant Mike Nichols. Benjamin Braddock, the main character, spends most of the movie rebelling against the limitations and responsibilities imposed by the real world, the world of his stodgy parents; at the end, after he has relentlessly pursued young Elaine and disrupted her more-or-less forced marriage to another man, the two run off, she still in her wedding gown, and escape on board a city bus. The final shot shows realization slowly dawning upon them, their facial expressions collapsing from elation into dread.

Now what are we going to do?

At the close of The Graduate, Benjamin and Elaine realize that however fun and even exciting it might be to rebel against their parents, at the end of the day, they’ve achieved nothing beyond wrecking their families; in the aftermath, they’ll have to pick up the pieces and make a life for themselves in the real world. You can’t outrun reality, of course. It will always prevail in the end. In a softer way, you see Moondoggie and Kahuna coming to this realization at the end of Gidget.

For millennia, parental authority has been the primary means of transmitting a culture’s values: parents teach their children to abide by standards embodied in their culture, and the world-at-large has almost always supported the parents in exercising that role … at least until now. Honor thy father and thy mother says the Fifth Commandment; today, children learn that if Mom and Dad won’t affirm their new identity and use the designated pronouns, they should cut off those parents and embrace a new glitter family online. In California, a state court deprived Adam Vena of visitation rights because he wouldn’t affirm his four-year-old son’s new gender identity. The modern world often undermines parental authority when it takes a stand against gender ideology.

By severing ties between parent and child, a cult does the same thing; it appropriates parental authority onto itself as a way to bind members more tightly to the group. The votaries of gender ideology likewise subvert parents, replacing their guidance with cultish dogma. A great many influential forces today promote this dogma, from primary education to medical boards to professional associations–a society-wide rebellion against parental authority and, I would add, against the ultimate authority that is reality.

Every parent I’ve consulted with has felt helpless in the face of this phenomenon. Based on their love and better knowledge of their own children, they believe they know what’s best for those kids but feel unable to wield authority as parents to guide them. In my own case, when I insisted there were obvious psychological reasons why my daughter might have wanted to become a boy, I was treated with contempt by the medical establishment and colleagues in my profession. Meanwhile, all around my daughter, every influential voice in her world told her that I, her father, was wrong.

But I also believe that we, as parents, bear some responsibility for the erosion of our own authority. Many mothers and fathers today seem uncomfortable with the very idea of parental authority, preferring to be buddies with their kids rather than authority figures. Maybe we don’t want to be viewed as square or stodgy, droning on about antiquated notions like taking personal responsibility and showing respect for your elders. I remember the slight feeling of shock and discomfort I felt upon first hearing myself say the words “because I said so!” to my own kids. Why should I have felt so uneasy when exerting myself as the adult in charge and expecting my children to mind me?

Writing for The Atlantic, the psychologist Joshua Coleman says that family ties have shifted over the last century from a focus on duty and obligation to one promoting personal growth and the pursuit of fulfillment. He quotes the historian Stephanie Coontz, who says: “For most of history, family relationships were based on mutual obligations rather than on mutual understanding. Parents or children might reproach the other for failing to honor/acknowledge their duty, but the idea that a relative could be faulted for failing to honor/acknowledge one’s ‘identity’ would have been incomprehensible.” In our youth-driven culture, words like duty, obligation and authority sound almost quaint. Today there seems to be no valid authority outside of one’s personal “lived experience.”

What’s to be done? How are we as parents to regain authority and prevent our children from permanently damaging their bodies when a cultish ideology encourages them to do so? This is the question every parent of a trans-identified child would like to ask, I imagine, and I wish I had a simple answer. The longer I work in this field, the more I feel that gender ideology must be questioned in every area where it dominates; only if we loosen gender ideology’s stranglehold on our cultural institutions can we hope to return parental authority to its rightful place. Get involved in the pushback–that’s my advice to parents. Run for your school board, get to know your local politicians, challenge this new orthodoxy wherever you see it. Don’t play the pronoun game.

I’d also like to say something in particular about fathers. As a father myself, I’m concerned with specifically paternal sources of authority: What is the role of fathers in helping our families to navigate this crisis? Does paternal authority differ in any important ways from maternal authority? And where are all the fathers, anyway? I’ve had a few joint consultations with both parents of a trans-identified child but it’s invariably the wife who does the talking. More often, I have consultations with the mothers alone. I sometimes wonder whether empathic, nurturing mothers are so desperate to maintain contact with their children that they won’t or can’t draw a firmer line. Perhaps the fathers, by deferring to their wife’s lead, have failed to mount a more vigorous defense of reality.

Could that be a paternal function? I honestly don’t know. I think of Chris Elston–better known as Billboard Chris–who addressed himself to Rachel Levine on Twitter, saying that puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones would be normalized for children “over my dead body.” Is that an implicit threat of violence? As fathers, do we need to take a more aggressive stance?

I’m prepared to be told that I’m just projecting here, or possibly overgeneralizing. Questions about my exercise of paternal authority within my own family–or my failure to exercise it properly–are on my mind a lot these days. With the modern world the way it is, it sometimes seems as if there’s nothing that even an authoritative and loving father can do. I often feel helpless and without any real power, an ineffectual if well-intentioned dad.

Which brings me back to Gidget. We’re all familiar with the bumbling father motif in television and commercials today–the clueless man set right by his clever wife and children. Al Bundy, Homer Simpson, Ray Barone. I used to think this was a more recent phenomenon but there it was in a movie from 1959. Gidget’s dad seems constantly baffled by his daughter’s behavior, issuing hasty pronouncements that are promptly undermined or ignored by his wife and child. He wears an expression of near constant bewilderment. It’s up to the two women in his world to set him on the right path.

I dug a little deeper and learned that father figures from 1950s sitcoms like “Make Room for Daddy,” “My Little Margie,” and “Life with Father” typically tended to be hapless buffoons. As a culture, we’ve been ridiculing the very notion of paternal authority for decades. Even the series title for “Father Knows Best” was originally intended to have a question mark at the end, to make it ironic and thereby underscore the well-known reality that mothers were the real heads of households. My friend the historian Peter Filene tells me that this belittling of fathers goes even further back–to the 1920s when comic strips began depicting men as shorter than their wives.

Then there’s the classic teen rebellion movie Rebel Without a Cause from 1955, with James Dean playing the main character Jim Stark. Jim’s father, overshadowed by his domineering wife, is a weak man unable to wield any kind of authority. In one famous scene, Jim comes upon his dad kneeling on the upstairs landing of their home wearing a frilly apron. Dad has dropped a dinner tray he prepared for “mom” and is cleaning up after himself, obviously fearful that his wife will discover the mess he’s made. Jim clearly wants and needs his father to stand tall and stop humiliating himself.

This might sound like I’m blaming women for usurping authority from their husbands by belittling them, but that’s not what I believe. I think it’s a society-wide problem where, for more than a century now, the force of paternal authority has been undermined through ridicule and mockery. In recent years, our ongoing critique of the “patriarchy” often makes it seem as if all sources of power and authority exercised by men are inevitably bad.

In Totem and Taboo written back in 1913, Freud opined that fathers embody the symbolic order of society, law, and external reality; they set boundaries, establish rules, and help their children to navigate the external world by introducing principles of discipline and order. A lot has changed in the last hundred or so years, and even to my ears, Freud’s view sounds quaint and out of date. Besides, how can you maintain rules and boundaries when the external world will only encourage your children to violate them?

But still, I cling to the belief that there’s an important and distinctive role for fathers to play in fighting this gender madness, even if I can’t yet define it. If you’re a father who’d like to discuss this issue, I invite you to reach out, in confidence and at no charge.

Here's the interesting thing. You can only rebel and exist at the margins if the margins actually exist.

When everyone is special, no one is special.

Queer Theory is self-contradictory.

#Joseph Burgo #Goth 2.0 #goth #gender ideology #queer theory #fatherlessness #gender identity #rebellion #religion is a mental illness

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