#touch averse

[redysetdare]

Thinking abt how so many characters in media who canonically state that they don't like people touching them constantly have their boundaries broken and are forced into hugs by other characters and every single time they are shown to be upset it's supposed to be a flaw that they need to overcome until they just are forced to accept/like it.

[neptune-scythe]

The reason I take issue with people sexualizing Kanej or portraying them in a way of being physically intimate is because doing so takes away valuable representation that they provide

Representation for asexuals, for people who have touch related trauma, and people who simply don't like or want touch

There is so little representation for us, as is, and people are (unintentionally or not) taking away this too

Especially for Kaz

Yes I want him to heal, but giving him the desire for or action of physical touch, especially within the canon timeline where he still is unable to have that, is erasing representation for haphephobia and touch aversion

And if we're being honest (because I know the haters are gonna come after me and say the only way for Kaz to heal is to be super touchy), if it's between Kaz healing and losing that representation, or remaining crippled by his trauma but keeping the representation, i would take the representation any day

Of course I want Kaz to heal, and unlike the acephobic haters that keep coming after me, I am aware that Kaz can heal and still not want touch

But Kaz is a fictional character, his healing, while important and something we all want, is not in the greater scheme of things more important than the representation his trauma provides in the real world

Especially for me, I had no idea haphephobia was a thing until I read six of crows. I thought I was just making up my dislike of skin to skin contact based off my parents focus on modesty growing up, and my not wanting to violate or intrude but touching People's skin ... not realizing it was my own dislike until I read six of crows.

That's why I fight so hard about this

Because it's not just about the character, it's about what they're providing in the real world. It's important, and needs to be talked about.

And I'm sure someone will come on here and say I'm making a huge deal out of nothing and that they're just fictional characters, but some things are a huge deal, and representation is.

And if you're having a hard time understanding, let me use this example

It would be as if Wylan suddenly could read, yes he is technically "healed" but the representation has been erased

Or if a healer fixed Kaz's limp, yes hes technically healed but the representation is gone

Those two examples would be weird right? You would have a problem with it, with erasing a big part of who these characters are and what they mean to people, even if it does give the characters an easier or better life

That's the same for Kaz and Inej's touch aversions. It is representation, it's part of why they mean so much to me ... and why this topic is bigger than just book characters

Touch aversion and haphephobia deserve to be acknowledged and treated as valuable representation that needs to be preserved and handled with care

It's not just a casual thing that is light and no biggie

It is a big deal to me and likely a lot of other people

And I will never stop talking about it and fighting for it

[the-baby-storyteller]

Touch averse whumpees. Whumpees who shy away from every touch, be it affectionate or otherwise. When their friends touch them they fluctuate between going stiff as a board and pinning them with an ice-cold glare. An arm rubbed past their own makes their breath hitch and they sit in the back during team meetings to avoid the close contact of sitting at the table. They hide every injury even if it kills them because the thought of someone touching them hurts more than the thought of dying. They suffocate from too much closeness and every touch reminds them of Whumper, of the pain they inflicted, of everything they were forced into. They distance themself from their friends, first physically, and then emotionally, and nobody knows how to help them.

They don't think they need help. They need everyone to get away from them and stop looking at them with those eyes that almost hurt as much their hands do.

[neuroticboyfriend]

I wish there was actual support for touch averse people instead of like, pages and pages of ways to 'fix' us, or people lamenting how miserable they are married to a touch averse person, or crying that their child won't hug them, or fanfic prompts where the touch averse character really just needs to be loved and held by the 'right' person, or saying that it's "honestly a red flag". Looking for solidarity and information is a waste of time if you aren't willing to be the party that compromises and just lets people touch you so they stop whining about it. Like there isn't something wrong with me just because I don't like people touching me and I don't need to be fucking fixed.

Absolutely. There's nothing wrong with touch averse people, no matter why you're touch averse. The way people lament over touch averse loved ones is completely unfair. If they have a need for physical affection, it's on them to find a way to fulfill that need - not on you to compromise. It's your body, not theirs.

And the resources on touch aversion shouldn't be aimed at them. There need to be resources for touch averse people that focus on your wants and needs, not the wants and needs of others. I'm sorry there isn't more of that. You all deserve so much better.

[beware-of-kat]

I want comfort but I’ll bite the hand that tries to soothe me

[ceo-of-sloppy-men]

Being touch-starved and touch-averse is so fucking funny. Like, "yes, I love hugs... please don't hug me."

[purpleweredragon]

[ID: Cartoonish digital art of a Stegosaurus sat with its head and thagomiser turned to the viewer. The largest 3 plates on its back read, in all caps: "Don't touch me".

End ID]

For dinosaur fans and/or the neurodivergents who hate physical contact.

[anonovershare]

I hate that when I tell people I'm particular about the physical touch I receive they just stop entirely. I'll say "just ask first please" and they hear "never come near me ever again" and it is the most frustrating thing ever. Is it so much to ask for people to respect my boundaries without completely isolating me?

[bunniesanddeer]

I love your writing sm!!!! I absolutely adored Touch, especially in the way you described being touch adverse. As someone who experiences that, it’s so great to see positive representations! Just wanted to send some love your way!!! 💕

Thank you so so much! I do too. I only let my husband and a few other select people touch me, and even then I often prefer to be asked, even for simple things.

It is terrible at family gatherings! People will just expect me to hug them and it sucks. Sometimes I will receive hugs with no warning. I got a pin that says "Hugs, No. Fistbumps, Yes." Maybe it will help haha.

Anyway, thank you! I am so glad you liked it!

[aroaceconfessions]

Mad at brain right now.

Literally why am I Aego aroace??? This is fucking hell!

I love these romances and sex stuff in fiction (in a demisexual way, hence why I originally identified as demi) but then I tried real life romance? NO! ICK! And don't get me started on anything sexual, I just felt so uncomfortable.

I'm upset because I want to enjoy these things so badly. I want to find someone to love, I want to be physically close with someone in that way

But brain just fucks me over!!!

(Bonus: even if I wasn't aegosexual, I get icky about touch despite also craving it... Whyyyyyyyyy)

Submitted June 10, 2023

[touch-repulsed-culture-archive]

Touch averse culture is liking touch in theory, but when someone actually touches you, you're like "why did I ever think I wanted this"

~

[neptune-scythe]

More thoughts on the usual subject of Kaz, Inej, and touch.

Yes their respective aversions to touch are due to trauma, and not something they had until they suffered from it. And thus something that can be healed from, and hopefully won't always hinder their lives so completely.

But touch aversion is not something that is wrong or needs to be fixed. There are many reasons one might not want or enjoy touch, and all of them are valid and deserve to be respected.

Kanej healing from their traumas doesn't mean they are going to want or enjoy touch all the time. They might, or they might only some days and not others, or none at all. Just because they can learn to touch without being triggered or having a panic response doesn't mean they have to enjoy it or want it, or that it won't still effect them in those ways sometimes.

More specifically, my point is yes I want them to heal from their traumas, but they don't need to be "healed" from touch aversion. They don't need touch to have full and happy lives or a healthy relationship.

Not wanting a sexual or physically intimate relationship does not make them broken or in need of fixing, or mean that they haven't healed from their traumas.

[redysetdare]

I wish that touch aversion/repulsion was treaded like a reasonable boundary instead of a flaw that needs to be fixed.

[triflesandparsnips]

...I sometimes go feral for things in OFMD that maybe others don't (yet). So here's what I'm feral about right now:

These are two touch-starved people. And here they are, touching one another. Holding hands, yes, but also-- touching.

Here are some things to know about the human hand:

"The human hand contains about 100,000 nerves, of at least 20 different kinds. Twelve receive various touch sensations; eight are motor fibers, carrying commands from the spine; and all are specialists--"

The hand is an astonishing sensory tool. Our world is composed of nothing except that which we can translate through our own sensory inputs: What we "see" is what our photo receptors translate into little electrical impulses that our brain then turns into pictures; what we "smell" is the brain's interpretation of what molecules an olfactory neuron can detect...

...but what we "feel" is not only what our very very tiny, very specialized mechanosensory neurons register, but also how those registered sensations interact, how they are processed in concert and conversation with one another to clarify what is being sensed, how they are transformed based on the perceived importance to the situation and the object being touched to allow for a physical reaction to occur even before the brain can fully register what's happening and respond accordingly.

A touch, for the touch-averse, can be a full-body flinch before our brains even register that a sensor has been triggered. A touch can translate into danger because the body has learned that that is what is paired with this or that physical sensation, this or that emotional situation.

The experience of touch happens before-- outside-- human thought.

And the thing is, the thing I keep thinking about, is:

To experience touch-aversion, but to take a deep breath, and to believe in the soft intent of the other person-- to take the time and effort and concentration necessary to let the brain and body rewrite even a fraction of its trauma-- is an immense act of vulnerability. And, my god, so, so, so much trust.

"Each fingertip has more than 3,000 touch receptors, many of which respond primarily to pressure. These are packed in just under the surface of the skin, where each reports events in overlapping fields about one-tenth of an inch across."

Something else I think about, though, is that another phrase for touch-starved is "skin hunger."

To be "starved" is to not receive a necessary thing; to "hunger" is to ache for it.

Stede and Ed's kiss, just before the handhold-- I see hunger in Stede, absolutely.

In the handhold, though, I see him giving Ed the option of this necessary thing; and I see Ed accepting it, receiving it-- and in doing so, sharing that necessary thing back again with Stede, an act of reciprocity that could have been purely social, if they wanted.

But. The slow movements after. The hand overtop the other. And then the thumb war: fingertips walking across one another's skin, one over the other over the other.

Three thousand touch receptors, each activated, each sending signals that they're taking the slow and aching time needed to process and accept.

They're taking the time to stand in that moment, and let the sensations cascade. To not hide it away in some emotional experience other than "I am touching the man I loved, and may love still--

"--and it is safe, it is safe, it is safe."

"The tongue, lips, and fingertips are the most touch-sensitive parts of the body."

And here's where it really comes together, now that you know all that-- here's why I'm feeling feral about this new moonlight scene, here's the thing I need you to know:

To hold hands is as strong a feeling, in pure sensory experience, as it is to kiss. A hand held can be a kiss forestalled.

A hand held can be a kiss all in itself.

And there they were. In the moonlight. Holding hands.

[rjalker]

Here's an apparently radical concept for people to get through their heads:

If you know someone doesn't like being touched, for any reason, and you want to respect their boundaries? You want to actually show them you respect them and care about them?

Don't even ask if you can touch them. Literally just do not ever try to touch them or even ask them to let you touch them. Literally just leave them alone.

[entropy-sea-system]

poll time bc Im objectum and am usually touch averse and was curious (touch averse label includes you if you want it to and refers to touch from other people)

Also fuck this have to remake the whole damn thing bc I set the first one to only for a day by mistake. This is the second time Ive had to remake this. Ugh.

[Wondering mainly bc. When you're averse to touch from people like. I feel for me it makes touching objects far more tolerable although sometimes if an object I didn't notice grazing against me feels like a person touch I panic and it feels icky even if it was just like an object. ]