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suneatersupportsquad · 4 years

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red handed; colby brock

request: im not sure if you do requests or even any imagines for colby brock anymore but i was wondering if you cold make a exception, so basically the plot is that the reader met colby through kat and since then they hit it off, now their in a secretive relationship the only person who knows is kat but she only knows the reader has a crush on colby. one day everyones hanging out in the same room room and colby is sexting the reader, sams curious to whos hes texting and they find out their dating.

dedication: @whydontweanons

genre: fluff, subtle smut?

pairing: colby brock x gn!reader

characters: colby brock, sam golbach, katrina stuart, corey scherer, jake webber, kevin langue, brennen taylor, devyn lundy, tara yummy

word count: 1.8k

warnings: alcohol, what would probably be underage drinking, NSFW (barely), sexting (duh), mentions of COVID-19, quarantine

a/n: of course i’ll still write for sam and colby!! it’s just that, since i’m not as active of a follower of them as i used to be, my goal is to write for fandoms that i’m more invested in at the moment. but, honestly, i don’t think i could ever really stop writing for them. i love those boys so much. also this plot made me laugh so hard when i saw it in the best way possible. getting this request honestly made my day, so thank you for that!! anyways, i’m a little rusty, but here we go.

important links: masterlist

find more fics at my new blog @trapboysbunny

You and Colby had known each other for a long time - pretty much since he’d moved to LA with Sam - and you had been involved romantically just as long. You had met him and Sam through Kat on a boring Saturday night when all their friends flaked on coming to a little kickback they were hosting. Trying to be a good friend and cheer the boys up, Katrina had invited you to hopefully kickstart some emotional momentum. Your eyes met Colby’s for the first time and you clicked. Something in your gut had told you that the two of you would end up being close, and it was right. You had hit it off immediately, not taking very long to start laughing at one another’s corny jokes and telling stories over Smirnoff Ice while some random late night show played in the background. From that night on, it was history.

Since then, you two had been practically attached at the hip. If you weren’t sitting on the same room or facetiming, you were definitely texting one another. It became a running joke in your friend group that you two had evolved into a pair of siamese twins, or that being without you gave Colby separation anxiety. The two of you found it even more amusing when you actually began dating, not long after that fateful first night. It amazed the both of you that you were able to hide your relationship so well. No one had a clue. The two of you laughed about it quite often, actually, over late night phone calls and tipsy afternoons spent only with each other. No one knew, and nobody needed to know.

Colby, due to the internet and his fanbase being the way it is, preferred to keep his personal (and especially romantic) relationships more on the private side. His intent wasn’t necessarily to hide his feelings and relationship with you from his friends, but that particular topic of conversation never really came up in your friend group. Everyone had just kind of figured that everyone single would simply date someone when they were ready and tell everybody about it when they felt the time was appropriate. It wasn’t that Colby didn’t want to tell them, he just didn’t see the point in going out of his way to tell all of his friends hey after God knows how long I finally have a partner. He just didn’t want to make a big deal out of your relationship. Knowing his friends, they would definitely make it into some type of big thing, not to mention that Jake would dub the occasion as “cause for celebration” (which was really just an excuse to drink more). So Colby preferred to keep things on the quieter side for you two; neither of you wanted to make your relationship into an object for speculation.

Kat was the only person out of all of your friends to have any knowledge of your feelings for Colby. And thank God for her; if you didn’t have her to gush about Colby to, you probably would have either exploded or died. Or both. And she was there for every single second of it. She loved hearing about your movie nights, your urban exploring adventures, the sweet yet mundane things he would do to make you happy, literally anything. She ate that shit up like a man starved, and you did the same for her and Sam (regardless of the fact that their relationship was public already). You hadn’t told her explicitly about the nature of your relationship with Colby, really just gushed about your ever-growing love for the boy. Unbeknownst to you, she firmly believed that you only had feelings for Colby, clueless to the fact that the two of you had actually been dating for quite a while now. With her “go get ‘em, tiger” comments, along with similar remarks, you assumed that she had some sort of idea about your relationship with Cole, hence why you had never explicitly told her about your secret boyfriend. Kat, being the good friend that she was, never spilled your “secret” feelings to anyone else. Not even her boyfriend.

Eventually, quarantine started up amidst the international COVID-19 pandemic and you had begun practically living with the trap boys. A day without you in the house was enough to prompt concern for the boys, minus Colby who always knew the real reason why you weren’t coming over. This soon became the new normal, you taking a “day off” every few weeks to get tested just in case. At this point, it was almost comical that no one had figured out you two were dating yet.

One particular weekend afternoon, everyone in your friend group was hanging out at the house. You and Colby were sitting on opposite sides of the room, you next to Kat and Colby seated beside Sam. It was particularly warm today seeing as this Saturday landed smack in the middle of the infamous August heat wave, so you had thrown on a tank top and some shorts, nothing to flashy. Colby had dressed similarly, wearing only a muscle tee and a pair of trunks.

You were sat beside Kat, the both of you trying to listen to the story Devyn was telling. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t ignore the way your boyfriend was staring at you from across the room. You looked away from Dev for just a second to shoot him a glare when you realize exactly why he’s looking at you. The speed at which the blood rushes to your face is dizzying, and you drop your head to stare at your lap. Motherfucker- You sigh as you pull your phone out of your pocket. “Quit it with the blowjob eyes asshole,” you type before pressing the blue send button.

You feel his gaze break as his phone vibrates. Trying to ignore him, you refuse to meet his gaze again, putting all of your effort into focusing on Devyn’s story. Seconds later your phone vibrates in your pocket. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” the screen reads, and you shake your head.

“Uh huh sure ok.” You pressed send again.

Another few seconds passed and your phone vibrated again. “That shirt looks really good on you.”

You blushed as you read the message, flustered by the comment. Brows knitting together in confusion, you looked up to find him staring back at you with a dopey grin. You hunched over your phone and sent a message back. “You really think so?”

“Yeah, of course,” Colby replied, a gray typing bubble sitting under the message. “But you know how it would look cuter?”

You cocked your head to the side and typed out your response. “How?”

“On my bedroom floor.” You almost snorted at that, clamping a hand over your mouth to prevent any noise from escaping. Typical. Thankfully no one had been paying enough attention to you to notice that you were distracted.

Colby, on the other hand, wasn’t so lucky. “Give me this, dude,” Sam said, snatching the phone out of Colby’s hand and effectively bringing the conversation on their side of the room to a halt. “You haven’t been listening for like the past 20 minutes, dude. Now let’s see what’s got you so distracted.”

“You don’t need to look at that, Sam, it’s not that important-” The tall brunette sounded slightly panicky as he reached and grappled with Sam for his phone. Sam played around for a little bit before finally reading the screen, eyes widening in amusement.

Upon finishing his reading, Sam lowered the phone and Colby relaxed, already knowing that he was caught. “So who’s ‘angelcakes,’ huh Colbert?” Sam prodded teasingly.

Colby blushed ever so slightly, rubbing the back of his neck. “They’re just a friend-”

“Which friend, huh?” Sam continued his teasing, growing louder and louder with every response until all eyes were on the two boys.

Colby shrugged, trying to be nonchalant but looking more stressed than ever in actuality. “Just a friend.”

“What do you say we call this friend, huh boys?” Sam suggested.

Kevin nodded, agreeing. “I think we definitely should.” Brennen also nodded when Sam looked to him for approval, essentially finalizing the decision.

“Okay then, let’s do this thing!” Sam yelled, earning cheers from all the other curious folks in the room. The blonde boy pressed call and Colby simply held his face in his hands.

You jumped when your phone rang, honestly having forgotten that oh shit, I’m angelcakes. Everyone turned to look at you curiously, Colby even peeking through his fingers. You didn’t even pick up the device, already knowing whose name would be lighting up the screen. “You gonna pick that up or something?” Corey asked awkwardly.

You shook your head, leaving your phone face down in its spot beside your thigh. “No, it’s probably not important anyways.”

A beat of heavy silence passed before Tara spoke. “Gee, they sure aren’t giving up. Maybe you should answer it.”

“Nah, I’m sure it’s just-”

“Yeah, you should answer the phone, Y/N,” Jake agreed, the pieces seeming to click in his head.

You sighed, burning bright red to the tips of your ears. “Okay okay, fine.” You stood and clicked the answer button. “Hello?”

And there it was, your voice echoing from Colby’s phone. The room erupted in cheers of disbelief, the boys pouncing on Colby and the girls slapping you in playful excitement. “I knew there was something going on between you two!! There’s no way there couldn’t have been -- I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” Kat squealed, smushing you in a hug.

The rest of the girls echoed the sentiment, a chorus of ‘same’s and ‘I can’t believe you’s. It took a while for everyone to calm down but, once everyone settled, you and Cole managed to get some alone time. The two of you escaped out back, the less than mediocre breeze cooling the sweat that slicked your skin. You held each other, almost as though you were about to start slow dancing. “Damn, caught red handed, huh?”

You laughed breathily, leaning your forehead against his shoulder. “It was only a matter of time, ya know?”

“I know,” he agreed, cheek pressing against your hair. “I’m glad we don’t have to be weird around them anymore.”

“Me too,” you hummed.

Colby pulled away a little bit, just enough for him to look you in the eyes, your arms still around his neck. “Hey.”

You giggled, confused. “Hey.”

“I love you.”

You smiled your confirmation, eyes twinkling under the cheap backyard lights. “I love you.”

#colby brock #colby brock fanfiction #colby brock one shot #colby brock fanfic #colby brock imagine #fanfiction #the trap house #bug.oneshots

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1dmonthlyficroundup · 3 years

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1D Monthly Fic Roundup

Hi, and welcome to the 1D Monthly Fic Roundup for August 2021! Below you’ll find 23 One Direction fics that were all published this month in the order they were submitted to the blog. We hope you’ll check out these new fics! If you would like to submit your own fic, please check this post on how to submit or visit our blog @1dmonthlyficroundup.

Happy reading!

He Carries The Key by @lululawrence

[Niall/Louis, OT5, 8k, Not Rated, tumblr post]

Niall was mostly home, ready for a shower and a chat with Louis, when suddenly Niall was flooded with emotions from the pack bond.Shock. Surprise. Confusion.But mostly fear.Something was wrong with Louis.

Plus One by mynameispiaivy / @missrefridgefreetorator

[Louis/Luke Malak, 3k, Mature, tumblr post]

Louis is invited to an event and he has to bring a "plus one".

Better Mistakes by lovelarry10 / @chloehl10

[Harry/Louis, 117k, Explicit, tumblr post]

“Look, this doesn’t have to be the end of the world-”

“Oh but it fucking is,” Louis said, shaking his head. “How the fuck am I going to tell Matt I’m pregnant with a baby when we’ve not had sex in months? He might be a bit thick sometimes, but he is gonna know there’s no chance this baby is his.”

“You don’t have to, uh, tell him it’s mine, right?”

Louis scoffed. “Why, are you scared he’s gonna come and kick the shit out of you?”

“He wishes,” Harry laughed, looking back down at the test. “Shit, I … I can’t believe this. Louis, I didn’t mean for this. Honestly. It was just sex for me. We have great sex, and I didn’t see why I should have to turn that down, not when you clearly wanted it as much as I did. I didn’t want this to end in a baby.”

Louis knows he shouldn’t be sleeping with his boyfriend’s enemy. He knows that. But there’s something that draws him back to Harry over and over again. Falling in love wasn’t part of the plan...

Thou, Sun, Art Half As Happy by @lululawrence

[Louis/Harry/Nick Grimshaw, 7k, Not Rated, tumblr post]

Hello, I’m sorry if this isn’t a post that is allowed on this channel, but I was hoping for the best since it is regarding a photography project I’m working on at the moment. I’m working on a set of sunrise kiss photos and therefore am needing a willing kissing partner. I’d hoped to be able to provide one for myself, but it hasn’t panned out, so here I am! I was hoping to find someone here, since I know most of you (at least peripherally) and can generally vouch for you not being creeps. Plus this way I know you will understand needing to continue to tweak the camera settings and reshoots etc that others might not.

Anyway, I’m looking for someone who identifies as male or male-ish (sorry, ladies) who is between the ages of 18 and 40. I’m a 29 year old male-ish myself, for those who would like to know before replying.

If you’re interested and are free the early morning of August 7th and would like to kiss in the sunrise with me for the sake of some (hopefully) interesting and fun photos, let me know via DM and I’ll give you the location.

OR the one where Louis needs a kissing partner, two show up, and it all might turn out for the best that way.

call my name and save me from the dark by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed / we_are_the_same

[Louis/Harry, 4k, Teen & Up, tumblr post]

“I don’t know if it was a nightmare,” he confesses to the ceiling, the darkness making it easier to speak up even when he still has to close his eyes to stop himself from tearing up. “It feels more like a memory. But it can’t be.”

Harry shifts, and Louis can feel his chin perched on his chest, doesn’t need to look at him to know that Harry’s studying him. “Why?” He prompts, when Louis doesn’t immediately continue, and Louis swallows, tries to shrug off the apprehension, the fear that Harry will think that he’s gone mad.

“Because I heard them pronounce me dead.”

Feels like home by @neondiamond

[Louis/Harry, 2k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Louis comes home from work with an exciting surprise. Daydreaming and celebrations ensue.

this is my jam by @disgruntledkittenface

[Harry/Louis, 4k, Mature, tumblr post]

The guy’s eyes are so blue that Harry can’t tear his gaze away, even as he moves to the beat. The searing light shade is magnetic; he finds himself leaning in and yelling, “This is my jam!” only to earn a laugh from thin pink lips that Harry’s definitely going to be dreaming about tonight.

“Your jam?”

When the guy yells back over the music, his blue eyes sparkling and his lips twisted in a smirk, Harry’s chest literally puffs out with pride at earning his attention. His obvious approval. Tongue-tied, Harry nods and closes his eyes as he lets go, the music reverberating around them. All of the usual inhibitions that keep him in the corner at parties fall away and he bounces around the center of the dance floor, waving his arms above his head. Somehow his towel stays on, even as he starts to think he wouldn’t mind if it fell off. Fuck it. He finally made it here, he’s damn well going to enjoy it.

Harry goes to a gay bathhouse for the first time. 90s AU.

I Know My Arithmedick (2 + 2 = 4sum) by yeah_alright / @uhoh-but-yeah-alright

[Harry/Louis + Louis/multiple partners, 3k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Harry wants to watch Louis fuck someone else. Louis loves giving Harry what he wants. It’s simple math, really.

doG…and his friend by @uhoh-but-yeah-alright / yeah_alright

[Louis/Harry, 3k, Teen & Up, tumblr post]

When Joan has to move out of her small, nice home and in with a random roommate, she obviously brings her dog/boyfriend, Doug, with her.

Doug makes a friend. And maybe more.

I Heard You Talking by @lululawrence

[Louis/Harry, 10k, Not Rated, tumblr post]

It had been an hour of their noise that Louis had been dealing with, and for some reason the fact that these grown men were being this rowdy in the quiet carriage over a game of Uno was the breaking point for him. He stood up and turned around, making his way down to where the group of five were somehow gathered around a table.

Louis stopped at the table and cleared his throat, mouth open and ready to politely request they keep it down when the man who was sitting with his back to Louis turned.

He was stunningly gorgeous.

Blinking a ridiculous number of times in an attempt to pull himself together, Louis coughed and spit out, “This is the quiet carriage.”

God, he was nearly forty and that was the best he could do in front of a set of pretty, green eyes?

Or the one where Harry is famous and Louis doesn't have a clue. Good thing his son is able to help him out.

All That You Need by @haztobegood

[Louis/Harry, 2k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Pre-heat was always one of Harry’s favorite times to spend with Louis. It was a time to rest up and indulge in extra cuddles, like basking in a ray of sunshine before having to dive off the deep end. Louis lavishes him with tender touches and soft kisses. Harry wants to savor this time as long as possible. The unquenchable need will come later, but for now, his desires are simple. He just needed to be closer to his alpha. As close as possible.

sickly sweet fonding by amomentoflove / @daggerandrose

[Louis/Harry, 1k, General, tumblr post]

A few members of their crew start piling up the dirty dishes and taking them over to the sink. Harry walks around the cameras, and smiles brightly at Louis.

“What do you think, Lou? Do I have it in the bag?”

Louis eyes a bowl of bright pink lumpy batter being cleaned from Harry’s side. “Of course you do.” He wraps an arm around Harry’s waist and steers him away, all while ignoring the dramatic gagging Niall is doing. He doesn’t think it’s just the batter making Niall gag.

or the one where Louis fonds over Harry's horrible baking skills

Fractured Moonlight by amomentoflove / @daggerandrose

[Louis/Harry, 1k, Mature, tumblr post]

Louis huffs because he doesn’t want to deal with this. “Listen, I appreciate your concern.” He doesn’t. “But it’s not your duty to look after the sad man at the bar. Okay?”

'Ere comes the milk by stretchmybones / @onlyfor-thegays

[Harry/Louis, 1k, Explicit]

Louis is obsessed with Harry's mommy milkers.

everything comes back to you by stretchmybones / @onlyfor-thegays

[Louis/Harry, 8k, Explicit]

Harry and Louis are childhood best friends. What happens when Harry has to move towns just as they are starting their secondary gender presentations? What happens when fate brings them back together years later in the most unexpected of ways?

He Still Takes My Breath Away by @parmahamlarrie

[Harry/Louis, 32k, Teen & Up, tumblr post]

Camp Infinity is the perfect place for a lot of things; hiking, swimming, sports, eating, and falling in love. Harry Styles is a bit too familiar with the last one from his years of being a camper. This year things will be different. He’s 21, a grown man now, and ready to see Camp Infinity from a different point of view; working as a lifeguard. However, his whole summer turns upside down when a familiar British lad makes his return into Harry's life.Or the one where Harry is a lifeguard and Louis is the head of recreation. And, sometimes, you just need a little push to realize what was right in front of you the whole time.

Also known as – The Summer Camp Fic

tread lightly on my ground by fairytalelights / @lookslikefairytale

[Louis/Harry, 20k, Explicit, tumblr post]

No, that's the tragic part of this, the part that makes Harry feel like the universe is playing a cruel joke on him. The father of his baby is exactly right, exactly who he always imagined himself having kids with. He just imagined them married, bonded. Happy. He didn't imagine them barely talking, tip-toeing around each other because neither of them is brave enough to talk about what happened between them. He didn't imagine the father of his child not loving him back.

or, the one where Harry is having Louis' baby, but Louis doesn't know it's his.

Getting a Head for Heights by @ladyaj-13 / LadyAJ_13

[Louis/Greg James, 3k, Teen & Up, tumblr post]

The problem is, Louis thinks Greg would be quite good to date, so it would really help if everyone would stop reminding him of that fact so he could unthink it. He’d be a gentleman, at least until Louis talked him out of it, and he’s funny and nice and hot and they’re both into music and football and drama. He’s also a freakish giant of a human, and the problem with dating is that sooner or later you have to stand next to each other.

We Go Together (series) by @beelou / cherrylarry

[Louis/Harry, 3k, General, tumblr post]

A grease au

Hot Boy Summer (series) by @louisandtheaquarian / zita17

[Harry/Louis, 35k, Teen & Up, tumblr post]

Louis is an overworked bartender hoping to save up enough extra tips to buy a new air conditioner before he literally melts during a scorching NYC heat wave. Harry is the new neighbor that wakes him up by moving in his sole day off at 6am. An NYC enemies to neighbors to lovers AU featuring a rickety fire escape, the 2021 Euros, Lirry bickering like a divorced couple, and enough OT5 clichés to rot your teeth. (If Harry's pastries don't get them first.)

across the river is where my heart is by 4ureyesonly28 / @evilovesyou

[Louis/Harry, 8k, General, tumblr post]

The first time they see each other is when they are toddlers, playing out in the yard. Louis remembers sitting on the perfectly trimmed lawn and getting yelled at for picking at the soft blades of grass; she remembers looking over, across the narrow but deep and wild river, and watching another little girl, out in a different garden, picking flowers for her mother.

She remembers carefully raising her hand and waving—her little heart beating hard in her chest, as if she had done something dangerous, something forbidden, even though back then she could not understand the true divide the River made amongst them.

bright eyes, blue denim by 4ureyesonly28 / @evilovesyou

[Louis/Harry, 2k, General, tumblr post]

Louis' favourite jeans have suddenly disappeared from where he always got them. Harry is a store manager with an affinity for customer care, particularly when the customer has bright blue eyes and happens to be very flirty.

whatever you feel like doing in this moment by 4ureyesonly28 / @evilovesyou

[Harry/Louis, 2k, General, tumblr post]

Louis gets all that he's ever wanted during his favourite game at their group's weekly improv show.

#28th appreciation #tracksintheam #trackinghome #trackinghappily #1dsource #one direction fan fic

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smoll-tangerine · 2 years

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hii nini! im a big fan of yours, ive been reading your fics ever since i was introduced to nct by a close friend of mine. i'm a rather young teen who is an aspiring author, and as a person who has never been able to explore the fanfiction side of writing before, i truly think your writing is amazing and is a rare gem. you create magic with your words, you give the reader the feels! (with a few awkward and curious encounters with... 18+ works, which are also works of art!!!1!!1 its just something i am uncomfortable with and avoid as a minor), the incredible writing kpop fanfic writing community your work inspired me create a writing blog on tumblr and i am currently eager to branch out to people with similar interests to mine. are there any tips that you could suggest for a fresh writer on tumblr (how to create au ideas, how to imitate personas we see on cameras through writing, how to decorate your blog to attract intended audiences, etc)? i would be so thankful if you replied to this <3

love,

your aspiring anon

hi aspiring anon!! 💛 thank you so much for this!! i never would have thought that my writing would elicit such reaction from someone, and i'm so honoured that my writing is inspiring to you!

idk where to start, but i can tell you that when i first started writing kpop fanfiction, i was also at the beginning of my teens (literally started writing exo fanfics when i was 13-14 years old on this website called asianfanfics)!! it's a very new and exciting time, and i honestly can't wait for you to start your journey!

i also consider myself relatively new to tumblr, only started posting stuff on this site back in august 2020 and i'm still learning every day. but when it comes to writing, it's always a single scene that prompts me to write and flesh out a whole story.

"the scene" -- the one that inspired me to write the story or an idea that i've always wanted to write about. idk how many of my fics have you read, but here's an example with once again. i've always wanted to write an nct story, so i obviously went with jaehyun because he's my bias, an exes-to-lovers!au, and "the scene" that made me write the whole thing which is:

“Do… do you hate me now?” he asked. It was a wonder how I was still able to discern his soft voice amidst the deafening crowd.

I hesitated, seriously pondering on his question and searching for the answer within deep inside me. My lips trembled upon the realization and I shook my head slightly with a tired smile.

“No, I could never hate you, Jaehyun,” I said. “But you sure gave me a reason to.”

and boom, the whole story just spawned from this scene in particular. it made me think of how i wanted to write each character, their backstories, and what happened that led them to become exes, and what other type of drama i could conjure up, and etc.

writing is such a tricky thing because you want to achieve that perfect balance between description and action. so when editing, i always ask myself -- especially when reading descriptions, verbs, etc. -- are these necessary? what do they contribute to the overall plot? am i droning/waffling/babbling without any purpose or just to reach a particular word count?

i find that the easiest way to improve your writing is to read your favourite authors works! my writing style when i was 13 compared to my current one is so different. but it's also due to how you want to write and what kind of style you want to go for. i consider myself more of a "pretty" writer and i think this aspect really shone through with come morning light where i tried to match the writing style to the story even more than i usually do, as opposed to cerca trova, which was more fast paced, hence the blunt and straight to the point-like sentences and writing style.

my favourite way to come up with new ideas or to help flesh out a story is to discuss my ideas with my (4) best friends jeongvision, sehunniepotwrites, ppangjae, and jaedore. we always message each other with new fic ideas, help each other with editing and coming up with plot twists, etc., and i think this is one of the best parts about writing fanfics and the kpop writing community on tumblr. (granted, given that i'm a very SHY person, i barely interacted with people when i first started LOL).

this is getting LONG BUT BEAR WITH ME kfjskfjs

as for how to decorate my blog, it's really up to you!! it's one of the best things about tumblr and i think that as long as you decorate it the way you like, then it's awesome because it allows your readers to have a glimpse of your personality or what you like!! i also enjoy perusing theme coding blogs because they have nice themes and that's usually where i start when i want to redo my tumblr theme :)

i really hope this was helpful!! and feel free to drop me another message in my ask if you need more advice or just wanna talk hehe (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ♥

also, can you let me know which stories of mine that led you to have your awkward and curious encounters with 18+ works? ksjfksjfs although i don't write explicit nsfw works, i do write some implied/suggestive stuff and i want to tag/write my warnings properly!!

#nini.asks #aspiring anon

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azulapropaganda · 4 years

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Hello everyone. Today (August 2nd 2020) I noticed a blog who earlier tried to accuse me of being a terf has once again made another post about this. This time she accused me of some other things and since her post suddenly started gaining attention, I decided to clear some things up and reply to every single claim she makes in her post.

I’m genuinely tired of all of this.... So, there’s a insanely popular atla TERF (@what-would-azula-do) blogger that’s been attacking me and my friends, and she worked with a group of TERFs to ban my og spop blog. I literally just made this blog but I’m tired of getting attacked by TERFs, so I’m making a call out post (ew ikr) to end this.

I am not a terf. I did not work with a group of terfs to ban your blog, you did this to yourself by tagging your post with “terfs please interact”, “terfs do touch” and other tags. You’re attacking a minor with false claims that are easily debunked. I have not been attacking you or your friends, I don’t even know who your friends are. I specifically added the “please do not send op any hate” tag when I called you out so my followers wouldn’t harass you.

First off, what-would-azula-do is a pretty obvious crypto TERF. She reblogs and creates a ton of TERFy posts that might flow off the radar of cis people, but directly harms trans people. She constantly reblogs and makes exclusionary feminist posts that exclude trans women, and use TERF rhetoric, and she doesn’t have any trans or non-binary mutuals. She also just posts full on TERF shit a lot, and whenever she gets called out she gets defensive and deletes the evidence. I got this info from an anonymous trans woman that pmed me, but she also used to just be a full on out TERF in 2016, and posted transphobic slurs and memes regularly, and also was a SWERF. Allegedly she deleted the blog and remade with her new main and the what-would-azula-do sideblog. Again this is just an alleged anon tip but I believe it. She also ships a pretty TERFy atla ship (tyzula) that à ton of TERFs on tumblr ship. Now I’m going to go to a huge pile of shit already, ONE OF HER MUTUALS IS LITERALLY AN OPEN TERF.

You say I reblog and create a ton of terfy posts. Which ones? I only talk about atla on this blog and actually make an effort to tag anything else as “off topic”. I don’t think I even made a post about feminism on my blog. You also say I don’t have any trans or nonbinary mutuals, do you have any proof of that? You contradict this claim further in your post (“Has trans mutuals even though she’s a TERF”). You say I post “terf shit” a lot, could you provide screenshots of that please? And according to you, “whenever” I get called out I delete the evidence. I got one anon once when I accidentally reblogged something from a terf I wasn’t aware I was following. I personally wouldn’t call my reply to this anon “defensive”. You say you got info from an anonymous trans woman that I used to be a full on terf in 2016 and that I posted transphobic slurs and memes regularly. In 2016 I was 13-14 years old and I didn’t even have a tumblr blog. I don’t even know how to address the tyzula thing. How is a ship “terfy”? And just because I reblog art, doesn’t mean I actually ship it? I reblog art of several ships just because I like the art.

Unholy-lesbian is one of what-would-azula-do’s TERF mutuals (she has about three crypto TERF mutuals too) that’s just a full on TERF. She was really into the TERF sphere a month ago but went crypto when she became mutuals with what-would-azula-do (probs to protect her crypto TERF identity) she said she’s not a TERF anymore, but she still reblogs TERF rhetoric and all her mutuals are TERFs. She also put TERF in quotation marks which means she probs thinks it’s a slur, which is TERF rhetoric. She’s also a gold star lesbian which means she excludes trans women from her dating pool. I’d go into this bitch more, but this callout ain’t for her.

Could you please give me the usernames of my three cryptoterf mutuals? Look I’m not going to deny that unholy-lesbian was a terf a while ago. She told me this yesterday or two days ago when I talked to her about your post. She also told me she was done being a terf because the community was so hateful all the time. She’s 15 years old, don’t pull her into this.

I’m friends with her so she can find a welcoming and nice community in the atla fandom. She’s on the right path now, do you seriously want to go hate on her for this?

This is a lighting round of all the shit she did, and also her track of aphobia and ableism, so here we go:

I literally have autism and adhd myself.

Used the t slur on her old blog (alleged)

No I haven’t? Could you provide proof of this please?

Has trans mutuals even though she’s a TERF

You contradict this earlier in this post, once again without any evidence.

Misgendered an artist on what-would-azula-do and didn’t apologize

Who? I use “they” whenever I don’t know the gender of an artist. I wasn’t aware this ever happened and I’d like to apologize to said artist of this claim is true

Liked an aphobic meme

Which meme? Also my likes aren’t even visible.

Mutuals with an aphobe that bullied an ace kid off tumblr

Who?

Uses her queer followers as props to denounce her being a TERF

This is ridiculous. My followers know I’m not a terf so of course some of them are going to defend me and support me.

Gaslight her former nb mutual

Who?

Reblogged from a TERF with TERF in her username

Yes and I addressed this already. Someone sent an anon about this, I deleted the post, unfollowed the user I wasn’t even aware of following in the first place, and thanked the anon for telling me about this.

Said the r slur on her main

No I didn’t? Do you have a screenshot of or a link to this post? Also I literally have autism, as I have mentioned earlier on this blog.

Slandered a queer artist on what-would-azula-do

Who?

WORKED WITH TERFS TO DEPLATFORM ME (A NB LESBIAN OF COLOR)

I reported your post once because you were accusing me of untrue things and harassing me, a minor, and you were threatening to murder my followers. I didn’t work with terfs at all, they came to your post after you tagged it with “terfs please interact”

And what does your sexuality and gender even have to do with this?

Even if she wasn’t a TERF (which she is lol) she worked with TERFs to ban my blog that exposed her, which is violently lesbophpbic and nbphobic.

Your blog was banned because you were harassing a minor and throwing around false accusations, not because you are a lesbian or nonbinary. I did not work with terfs to ban your blog, as I have mentioned twice earlier.

So y’all really shouldn’t follow or support her anymore, unless you’re a TERF just like her. (Dm me for screenshots, I didn’t want to post them here since she’d just gaslight me)

Please post all of the screenshots you have in a reply to this post.

Also, could you stop harassing my followers. This is just incredibly gross behavior.

#tw discourse #off topic #tw terf mentions #terfs dni #please do not send the op of that post any hate #said blog was shadowbanned earlier because she was harassing me two days ago #she made a new blog today and continued harassing me and my followers #she has been pm’ing people to try and get them to reblog her post

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amythedvdhoarder · 4 years

Text

Making Decisions

Pairing: Steve x Reader

Summary: Steve lets something slip which results in you being removed from missions. Needless to say you’re not impressed

Warnings: Little bit of angst, the occasional bad language word, implied smut and lots of fluffy goodness.

Word count: 3.3K

A/N: (Gif not mine) I love a fluffy fic and am going through a Steve phase right now. Sooooo why not combine the two in honour of amazing August writing challenge hosted by the lovely @stargazingfangirl18 and @navybrat817. I used the prompt “We’re not done yet.”

Not beta read, any mistakes are my own.

Reblogs and feedback are most welcome, so let me know what you think x

Masterlist

xxx

You bit down on your bottom lip hard, the coppery taste of blood told you the delicate flesh had torn under the pressure. The sensation was the only think stopping you from shouting at the men sat opposite you. The anger coursing through you was simmering just below the surface, threatening to reveal itself at any minute.

Steve knew just by looking at you. How could he not? Your knee was bouncing up and down in an attempt to keep your temper at bay, eyes flashing dangerously in open defiance of what you were being told. What Steve was more concerned about was what was going to happen when you got home that night. He knew he was going to be in for it. He had told Tony the news in confidence as a warning, but Tony being Tony had jumped the gun, told Fury and it had been taken out of his hands. He hadn’t even realised what this meeting was about until you had walked in and he had put two and two together.

“We just think it’s for the best,” Fury said matter of factly.

“Do I at least get to ask why? I am still more than capable of doing my job,” you tried to keep the frustration out of your voice but you could tell by Steve’s wince next to you it hadn’t worked.

“Come on Y/N, it’s obvious isn’t it. This way we can guarantee your safety but also it prevents missions being compromised; we couldn’t do our jobs if we have to worry about you the whole time,” Tony replied.

“Worry about me? I am more than capable of taking care of myself. What is really pissing me off is that it isn’t your decision to make,” your voice was getting louder. Steve reached out and put his hand on your thigh, trying to calm you down. But the dirty look you shot him made him pull it back quickly and raise his hands apologetically.

“Y/N you’re not being fair. We have a responsibility to take care of the team. We are only do this because we care about you. It’s only 18months. You’re going to be occupied anyway,” Tony countered yet again.

You rounded on Steve now. “Have you got anything to say about this Captain?” His eyes widened at your challenge but he remained silent. Steve should have been backing you up but opted to remain silent, his silence speaking volumes to you; he agreed with them.

“Seems the decision is made. If you need anything don’t bother asking me.” The men didn’t have time to react as you got to your feet and headed out of the conference room.

Steve glared at Tony and Fury. Tony had the decency to look a little bit guilty about what had just happened but Fury, well he just shrugged, seemingly satisfied with the outcome.

“Steve-,” Tony started.

“Save it Tony, a heads up would have been nice.” Steve cut him off before heading out to follow you back to the apartment.

You heard footsteps behind you, knowing it would be Steve, you didn’t bother turning around. He was partly to blame for this. As you reached your apartment you didn’t bother closing the door. You went straight to the bedroom and started pulling out your gym clothes. You heard the door go and Steve walk in. Ignoring him you went into the bathroom and locked the door. Steve sat on the bed and waited patiently for you to come out, hoping you were a little calmer and would be willing to listen.

Five minutes later you emerged; hair pulled up into a high pony all ready for the gym. He didn’t say anything but just watched you as you leant down and pulled on your trainers.

“I’m off for a run,” you stated flatly.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” You paused and looked at him.

“I wasn’t asking permission.”

Steve groaned “Honey, can you please stay so we can talk about this?”

“Now you want to talk? Didn’t seem like you had much to say earlier,” you bit back

As Steve stood up and walked towards you, you took another step towards the door.

“Please let me explain.” He sounded desperate now.

“I don’t think so.” You yanked open the door.

“Y/N. We’re not done yet,” he called after you.

xxx

Years ago, you had discovered that running helped clear your head. Whenever you were stressed or wound up an hours run would help put everything into perspective. Actually, running was how you had met Steve. You had been with Sam that day in Washington when Steve showed up, running literal rings around the pair of you. Both of you had followed Steve during his mission to take down Hydra, then during his search for Bucky. After that, when all of you were exiled things shifted between the two of you and the rest was history.

The tension began to leave your body as your feet thudded against the treadmill. You really wanted to go for a run outside of the compound but you knew Steve would have insisted on coming with you, even if you weren’t really on speaking terms. To be honest you understood why you had been taken off missions, you were going to step back anyway, but you wanted to do it on your terms. You had always been fiercely independent, being part of a team was challenging at times but you had always had some input. But having a decision made for you without being consulted made you feel like you weren’t in control anymore.

Steve wanted to follow you down to the gym but realised he needed to give you some space, some time to calm down. He understood why you were pissed off. He would have felt exactly the same. Tony would have to be dealt with later, the stupid idiot probably thought he was helping not realising the fallout telling Fury would cause. Since finding out, Steve had discussed what you wanted to do moving forward; you wanted to complete the last couple of missions you had prepared for, before taking a step back and doing more background work for the team. Steve supported you, he didn’t like it, but it was your decision. Whilst it was inevitable that you would have to cut back your involvement with the team, Steve was also questioning what he should do. He hadn’t discussed it with you yet, but he had an idea.

xxx

He was laying on the bed when you got back from the gym, he glanced up and gave you a quick smile as you disappeared into the bathroom. Your routine never changed after a run; quick shower, pull on one Steve’s t-shirts and follow up with a cup of tea. The tea was waiting for you on the bedside table when you came out of the bathroom. You climbed onto the bed and turned on your side to face Steve. He mirrored you, leaving a small space between you, staying silent, allowing you to take control.

“Stevie, I’m sorry.” He reached out and swept some loose strands of damp hair back behind your ear.

“So am I. You had every right to be angry. I only told Tony to give him a heads up and also to get his advice. I should of -,” you cut him off by leaning and pressing a kiss to his lips. He sighed into the kiss, before gently rolling you so you were on your back allowing Steve to run his hand over your growing bump, your own hand coming to rest on his.

“Maybe Tony and Fury are right. I would be a liability in the field. Do you really think you would be able to focus if we went on a mission with you?” You gestured to your bump with your free hand.

Steve gave you a half smile “I always keep an eye on you during missions. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything happened you, even before.”

“Stevie,” you murmured softly as you trailed your fingers up his arm.

“Also, I went to see Fury when you were in the gym,” he paused to check your reaction. You raised your eyebrows in surprise but didn’t say anything. “I’m stepping back, at least until the baby is older. I want to be a good dad so I’m only going to be on day missions after this. That way I’ll be home every night to help,” Steve laced his fingers with yours.

“Steve I-“ your voice barely over a whisper.

“I’m sorry I didn’t discuss it with you first,” his blue eyes locked onto yours. “I just-“ he was babbling nervously now.

“Hey,” you turned to face him again, fingers carding through his hair “I’m not mad Steve. I love you. I just can’t believe your doing this. It’s not like this was planned but I know that our baby is so lucky to have you as a dad.”

“You sure?” Steve was a little surprised by how well you taking this considering the meeting earlier today.

“What about? Being mad, loving you or you being a good dad?” you teased

“Not funny Y/N.” Steve gently rolled you over so that he was straddling your hips, arms on either side of your head, keeping his weight off you. “I love you my baby mama.”

You giggled beneath him and reached up to stroke his cheek. “Isn’t this how all this started Captain?”

“I’m not sure. I’m over a 100, maybe I need a refresher?” He grazed his lips against yours.

Needless to say, your post gym cup of tea was forgotten about completely.

Taglist is open so let me know if you want in or out!

Taglist: @stargazingfangirl18 , @silentcoyotesong, @queenofstarliqht, @buckys-henley, @lonelyheartsm, @alexa-lightwood-blog, @angrythingstarlight

#shamelesshoesforchris #august writing challenge #steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve imagine #steve rogers fluff #steve rogers angst #chris evans #marvel #marvel fanfics #writing challenge

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dearest-bucky · 4 years

Text

One more try (One Shot)

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Bucky and Y/n hate each other! Or do they?

Words: 6.1K

Warnings: swearing, angst, mentions of blood, fluff

A/n: This is written for @buckysknifecollection‘s writing challenge, I had no. 11 - Enemies to lovers. Thank you so much Ellie for allowing me to be a part of your challenge, it has been a genuine pleasure for me! ❤️ p.s. I’m sorry you’re getting another notification for this, I’ve had to make a new blog and repost everything smh.. Feedback is always appreciated! x

Originally posted: August 22, 2020

Only one ray of sun was able to make its way inside her room, which was otherwise dark and gloomy. That lonesome ray of light, like a beacon of hope, illuminated her face and she threw one of her pillows over her head to escape it. Not even a minute later her alarm started ringing and Y/n groaned in annoyance, but she knew she had to wake up. She'd have less than thirty minutes to get breakfast before Natasha hauled her ass to the gym for their morning training. With a pout she got up from her bed, almost blindly finding her way to the bathroom through the mostly dark room.

In record time she got dressed in her work out clothes and quickly left her room to head to the kitchen, she needed coffee - too much coffee - to wake up properly and something to eat to fill her growling stomach.

After an awful night of disturbed sleep, she felt like punching anyone who so much as looked her way. Heavy steps directed her to the communal kitchen and she hoped it would be empty, not even a little bit in the mood to interact with anyone before breakfast, but her hope was crashed as soon as she heard the voices of several team members chatting idly over their own meals.

"Good morning Y/n." Steve was the first one to greet her and she could only grunt out her reply to him, moving purposefully to the coffee machine. So close to salvation, she thought as she grabbed a mug from the cupboards, but apparently it was already decided this was going to be 'Y/n's very shitty day!' because the coffee pot was empty when she turned to fill her mug.

"Great! Who the hell drank all the coffee?" She rose her voice in annoyance and everyone's head turned to her. She eyed them all, all of them looking confused at her outburst, only one person had the decency to look sheepish as he sipped uncomfortably on his own coffee.

"Sorry doll, I had a refill just before you came and didn't think to make more." Bucky. Of course it would be him; the bane of her existence.

"Of course it would be you!" She scoffed at him while moving around to make more coffee for herself. "Asshole." She muttered as her back was turned to him but everyone heard it anyway, Bucky included.

"Excuse me!" He spoke up, getting slightly irritated at her. "You can say that to my face." This was usual for them, their relationship consisted of insults and mean words thrown to each other. Steve put his hand on Bucky's shoulder, silently asking him to not start an argument with Y/n again, but the brunette had already made his mind. Y/n spoke again under her breath, probably a curse word meant for Bucky, but didn't turn around to speak to him directly. "I don't know what's your problem," he then continued after not receiving an answer from her. "but it doesn't give you the right to be a bitch."

That only worsened her mood and she turned around to finally look directly at him, rage evident in her eyes and features. "Yeah, maybe I'm a bitch, Barnes, but that doesn't mean you're not still a selfish brainless fuck." As soon as the words left her mouth she regretted them, but it was already too late to take them back. She saw his face fall immediately, heard a shocked gasp fall from Wanda's lips who had been silently eating her cereal next to Bucky. Steve only looked her way, his signature "eyebrows of disappointment" look evident on his face.

Y/n wanted to apologize, she truly did, having already regretted the words that spilled out of her mouth before she even spoke them, but before she could say another word Tony entered in the kitchen with his usual light step, unaware of the tension around. "Good morning, kids." He said. "Barnes, I'm glad you're here." There was an easiness in the way he spoke, the absolute contrary of the conversation that had happened literally two minutes ago. Bucky let out a low grunt in acknowledgement, but said nothing as he waited for Tony to say what he had to say. "There's this journalist that's been on my back for a while now, wanting to do an interview with the Avengers. But since we're rather busy with other small, meaningless things like saving the world." Tony and his sarcasm. "You're gonna have to do it."

"Why me?" Were the only words Bucky said, not in the mood to engage in another conversation for the day.

"Because the rest of us have to leave on a mission this afternoon." The billionaire explained. "The interview is set for today at 5pm. The journalist will come here at the compound, one of the offices is set up for her to do this. And don't worry, you won't be alone, Y/n will stay with you."

At that her and Bucky visibly panicked and Y/n was the first to start the protesting, but Tony was having none of it. "Don't bother wasting either of our times, that's already decided Y/n." She wanted to say something but Tony didn't let her. "Nuh-uh." He held his hand up to stop her. "You and Barnes will represent the Avengers today and that's final. Besides, your arm isn't still fully healed for another mission anyway, so there's that too. Now the rest of us, let's get ready to kick some Hydra ass." He left the kitchen just as he entered it, that same strut in his step still present.

Steve and Wanda finished their breakfast and got up from their seats wordlessly, only patting Bucky lightly on the shoulder before they left the kitchen, leaving Bucky and Y/n there alone. To say the air was uncomfortable would be severely underestimating it. One could literally cut the tension with a knife. Y/n wanted to apologize to Bucky for earlier but he got up too, putting his empty mug in the sink and leaving Y/n behind too, alone with her thoughts and feelings of shame and guilt.

Way to ruin everyone's day!

Just like Tony said, at precisely 5 o'clock in the afternoon, the journalist was at the compound, along with a cameraman. The office had been set already, only Bucky was missing. Y/n was there to greet the young woman who seemed too enthusiastic to be doing this, she even asked Y/n for an autograph which she promised to give after the interview. A few minutes later Bucky showed up too, the same somber expression in his face that was painted after Y/n's outburst in the morning in the kitchen.

The interview was going well, the journalist asking questions about the Avengers in general, the missions and Y/n and Bucky answered all of her questions in turn, being kind and polite to the young woman, but after some more questioning she decided it was time to show her true colors.

"So mister Barnes, how do you feel about everything that happened to you as the Winter Soldier and I was wondering whether you think you're free of all that.. I mean do you think you are truly over that part of your life?" The world came to a stop as she asked her question, even the air seemed to have stilled in the meantime. Bucky was like a deer caught in the headlights, fumbling with himself to get the words out in answer, but he couldn't. He couldn't form not one single coherent thought to reply to that. Y/n was shocked too by the rudeness of the journalist and she turned her head on the side to look at Bucky, finding him glued in place, an unreadable expression on his face, he wasn't even blinking anymore.

Y/n felt so bad, thinking she was so mean to him in the morning and now this stupid journalist was doing the exact same thing that she had done earlier, she knew she had to do something, so without losing another moment she replied instead of Bucky. "Every question pertaining to the psychological evaluation of Sargent Barnes has been already answered in the court room when the State declared him innocent two years ago. You have no right to be asking that kind of question, you-"

She wanted to say more but the other woman interrupted her. "No, I was just wondering if... I mean Mr. Barnes could..."

This time it was Y/n's turn to interrupt her, raising her hand to signal her to stop speaking and getting up from the chair she was sitting. "You can show yourselves out." Was all she said before walking out of the office, Bucky following right behind her, a little stunned by her behavior.

She was walking to her room when Bucky called behind her, making her freeze in the spot. She turned around to face him, silently waiting for him to speak first. He seemed still a little flushed from the situation before, but he spoke before he could lose his nerve. "Y/n, um.. Thanks, uhh for.. you know.. that.." He stuttered his words out with difficulty. "You didn't have to do that but thanks." He seemed embarrassed as he turned to leave her alone, but Y/n stopped him, her hand reaching out to grab his wrist lightly.

"I'm sorry." She said. His back was turned to her and he didn't turn to face her, closing his eyes to inhale a deep breath before breaking free of her hold, not saying anything. "I'm really sorry Bucky, you know I didn't mean what I said in the morning." She spoke again to his retreating form as he walked away from her on the opposite side of the hall. She sighed dejected, resuming the way to her own room.

Truth is, Bucky and Y/n have never been friends. They were colleagues and it was all they would ever be. They had each other's back on missions but anything other than that was simply unthinkable. It wasn't always like this. When Y/n had first joined the team, she tried to get along with everyone on the team, but she supposed not everyone likes everyone. To her credit, she'd tried to be on Bucky's good side, being a new member she felt like it was her duty to try and get along with everyone, but the ex-Winter Soldier seemed like he actually hated her, what with the nasty, kind of disgusted looks he sent her way every time they crossed each other in the compound.

She couldn't understand Bucky's hostility towards her, as far as she could tell, she never did anything to offend him in the slightest, but evidently Bucky had already decided he couldn't even stand Y/n.

With time, things seemed to change and Bucky started to at least tolerate her presence around him, but they still couldn't be friendly with each other. Despite Bucky being unfriendly - for the lack of a better word - to her, she couldn't help but feel bad with herself because she actually liked the man. Ironic, isn't it! There was really nothing to dislike about him, from his looks - the man was seriously a treat for the eyes - to his kind nature, which everyone seemed to be on the receiving end of it; everyone except Y/n, who could only witness that from afar.

No matter how hard she tried to be nice to him, it was simply impossible to climb over that wall Bucky had built around himself when it came to Y/n. She finally gave up after some months, but she figured if he didn't treat her as a friend, she'd be a pain in his ass, at least that way she still got his attention somehow. So she'd started to throw words his way, being a sarcastic little shit every time she got the chance. At first Bucky continued to ignore her, just like he had done before, but then her words started to get to him, she started to get under his skin, pushing his buttons every time they were in the same place. It started innocently enough, but after a few months of back and forth, they just kept going at each other's throat all the time, bantering, throwing insults at each other and once the situation had degraded up to the point Steve had to forcefully take Bucky away from Y/n, otherwise they'd most likely end up killing each other.

It became almost natural to them to hate each other, to argue and to throw insults at each other at any given moment. And it had been going on for too long everyone else on the team was getting tired of it.

A few weeks had passed since the interview and the situation at the compound was back to normal, well, kind of. Tony had filed a complaint about the journalist, saying her behavior during the interview had been nothing short of unprofessional and that got her fired. She had it coming though.

Y/n was at the gym, training with Steve in hand to hand combat. Steve insisted everyone trained with everyone so they'd know different fighting techniques and that was a valid point he made. They'd been going at it for about two hours and Y/n was sweating profusely. Once again, Steve managed to kick her feet from underneath and she fell on her back on the mat. Y/n groaned in frustration. "Okay that's enough for today, my muscles are killing me. You're killing me Rogers." Her finger pointed accusingly at him as she laid down, too tired to even consider getting up.

"Or maybe you're just too weak." Came the surprising voice of Bucky who had just entered the gym, wearing only a pair of shorts and nothing else as he walked to the ring, leaning his arms on the ropes.

Ever since the day of the interview, there hadn't been many interaction between them, choosing instead to just ignore each other even when they ran into each other in the compound. Y/n still felt guilty for what she said that day so she didn't want to upset Bucky more than she already had and he had seemed to be in the same board with her because he never said anything; until now.

Y/n only scoffed at his comment, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of her annoyance and still too tired to even argue with anyone, least of all him, but apparently Bucky had something else in mind, because he spoke again. "'S that it, you're too weak, dollface?" His voice held a hint of mischief to it, and no matter how much Y/n wanted to just ignore him and what he said, he knew how to get her riled up. With screaming limbs she managed to get up and move towards him, leaning on the same ropes he was, coming face to face with Bucky as she was staring down at him.

"Right now I am, I'm sure you know how it is to get your ass handled by Steve." She said it so casually, as if she was talking to a friend and not Bucky. Steve on the other side of the ring snorted out a laugh as he sipped from his bottle of water.

Bucky smirked at her words. "Wait 'til you try me then. Your ass won't recover for weeks." And he winked.

"Shut up Barnes." She replied, trying to hide the growing blush on her cheeks and moved to walk away from him and out of the gym, dragging her duffel bag on the floor as she walked, leaving the two men behind.

"You're a punk Buck, why'd you have to tease her like that? You always do this and then you end up saying hurtful things to each other." Steve pointed out with a frown on his face. He seriously hated it when Bucky and Y/n argued with each other, because it left them always fuming and wanting to punch something. That something most of the time was Steve.

"Shut up, jerk. You don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't I?" Steve stared him down until it was starting to get uncomfortable and Bucky left the gym too, not saying anything else to Steve.

Bucky hated to fight with Y/n. If he was being honest, he hated himself for doing it too, but it seemed as if that was the only way there could be some sort of relationship between them. Bucky knew it was mostly his fault. He'd been unwelcoming towards her since the beginning and now it seemed as if it was to late to try and salvage anything. Deep in his heart, Bucky regretted his every action that lead him to here with Y/n, because very deep down, he liked her. Y/n was interesting, to say the least.

When she first joined the team she was too happy, almost too much for Bucky's liking. She was the exact opposite of his haunted soul, too lively, too innocent. She was always nice to him, greeting him with that same mirthful smile every God damn time. She seemed like too much for him at the time anyway and he did his best to steer her as far away from his as possible. And he succeeded at it. He finally managed to make Y/n hate his guts, and he had no one to blame for that but himself. Now, what he wouldn't give to see her lovely smile directed at him, he had lost his chance though.

It had been days on end since they had their last interaction, now it seemed as if Y/n wouldn't spare him even insults or sarcastic remarks anymore. That was still something, he thought to himself. He actually looked forward to teasing her relentlessly every time he ran into her, it was the only way they knew how to talk to each other. But ever since the day of the interview, Y/n had gone way out of her way to ignore him. Bucky knew she didn't mean what she said that morning in the kitchen, he could see the regret written all over her face as soon as the words left her mouth, but that didn't mean that in that moment it hadn't hurt.

Bucky still lived with the feelings of guilt and remorse for everything he'd done as the Soldier and having people slap him in the face with that truth, it hurt more than he'd ever care to admit. Especially when one of those people was Y/n. Despite the fact that he knew she didn't mean it, what she said was true and a lot of other people thought so too. That journalist thought so too. He still remembers how Y/n stood up for him, showing the door to that rude journalist and he can't help the flutter in his heart at the sentiment. He had decided then and there to forgive her for the words she said, before she even apologized to him in the hall. Bucky had called her a bitch too, so he was as guilty as her.

"Wake up, Buck. Urgent mission." Steve shaking his shoulder slightly woke him up, not registering his words yet and humming in question sleepily. Steve repeated himself and finally Bucky got up from his bed, fully awake and conscious.

Steve hated to wake him up, he knew Bucky barely slept enough as it was, but being an Avenger meant urgent, impromptu missions the entire time. They walked to the jet together, finding the rest of the team already seated there. Apparently they were all waiting for Bucky.

"Good morning." He greeted everyone and almost everyone greeted him back.

"Finally the Sleeping Beauty decided to join us." Y/n's voice rang in his ears and he inwardly smiled at her words. It seemed like there was some kind of weird normalcy back, despite the fact that Y/n still didn't meet his eye most of the time.

"I was actually fixing my hair, princess. Not all of us enjoy wearing the same crappy looks you serve." He replied to her, the same sarcastic but playful hint in the tone of his voice. Her hair was up in a sleek ponytail and there was a natural morning glow on her face that made her look as beautiful as ever. Bucky only liked to give her shit, but in reality he loved how she looked all the time. Y/n was about to reply again but Steve didn't let her, saying how they had to debrief the mission before going blind in the war zone. That shut them both up as they listened to the Captain explain what was going on and what they had to deal with.

"Second floor is clear, I'm going up." Bucky spoke in the ear piece that everyone shared connection with. Another Hydra base to wipe up. Nothing they hadn't done before. The only downside to it was the fact that it seemed like their 'Cut one head, two more shall take its place' motto, was proving to be true because lately more Hydra bases were showing on the Avengers' radar. It was getting irritating.

"Okay, just be careful." He heard Steve's voice in his comm and scoffed lightly. That punk and his mother hen tendencies.

The team had been searching the place for around an hour and they had found nothing yet. The halls and the offices were mostly empty. It seemed as if they had abandoned it just before the Avengers arrived, but still something just didn't sit right with Bucky. Call it a gut feeling or whatever, he simply knew that this couldn't be as easy as it seemed to be at the moment. He climbed the stairs to the upper floor, his gun in the ready to shoot anyone who crossed him. Just as he was about to turn on the left, a series of gunshots was heard from the other side of the floor Bucky was in.

"What's going on?" He asked quickly, a chilling feeling of panic settling slowly in his bones. He walked towards the noise, hoping whoever it was there from his team, was doing fine. Just as he made another turn, another gunshot was heard, then several more. His gun in the ready, he looked in front of him, finding two Hydra agents shooting at somebody he couldn't still see from where he was. He fired at them without missing a beat and when they saw him they ran in the opposite direction, trying to save themselves.

Hurrying he walked towards where the Hydra agents were shooting, his eyes widening in horror at the sight in front of him. He rushed to get a closer look at the person who was laying down just a few steps away from him and he reached her he fell to his knees next to her.

"Oh my God." He said in panic. "Y/n, can you listen to me?" He patted her cheek lightly, trying to gain her attention and it worked because she averted her eyes to look at him.

Her entire abdomen was bloody, the navy blue cat suit stained with her blood. There were at least three bullet holes in her abdomen and one in her thigh and she was losing too much blood, too quickly. "Y/n, what the hell!" He yelled in panic, then finally came to his sense to notify the team. "Y/n's been shot. Several gunshot wounds in the abdomen. I need immediate evac. I repeat, I need immediate evac." Then he looked at Y/n, fear still evident in his eyes. "Hey, keep your eyes on me okay, look at me. It's going to be okay." He spoke in a rush, wanting to somehow make her feel better.

"Buc-" she tried to speak but she started coughing, then only a second later she was spitting blood from her mouth.

"It's okay, please don't speak. I just need you to stay awake right now." With careful movements he scooped her up in his arms, then started walking as quickly as possible to the exit. He could hear Tony's voice in his ear telling him that the jet was ready to get back at the compound, but he couldn't say anything back to him as he kept his eyes to Y/n. She was staring back at him, not daring to break eye contact, as if she were memorizing his features, the blue of his eyes, the slope of his nose, the scruff on his cheeks, the dimple on his chin. She was looking at him as if it was the last time and he didn't like it one bit. Her eyes started to flutter closed as more blood came out of her bullet wounds and Bucky yelled at her to keep looking at him. And she did.

"Bu- Bucky..." She tried to speak again but she was too tired to even form out the words. Instead she rose her bloodied hand to his face and cupped his cheek softly, but it quickly fell off as she lost the consciousness.

"No, no, no, no, no." He repeated in a frenzy as he was finally out of the facility and only a few more steps away from the jet. He practically ran the remaining distance and placed her in one of the cots there, carefully laying her down. Tony was the first to do a full body scan with Friday and put an oxygen mask on her mouth. Natasha pressed some rags on her wounds to stop the bleeding and that was all they could do at the moment. At the compound the doctors were ready to bring her in and take care of Y/n.

Bucky was pacing around the small space of the jet, mumbling to himself, he was actually driving himself and everyone else around him crazy. Steve got up from his seat and placed a hand on his best friend's shoulder. "Come sit." He spoke softly and Bucky simply nodded, obeying to him, not having even the slightest amount of force to say no.

Soon enough they arrived at the compound and Y/n was immediately taken in surgery. She had lost too much blood already and every second that passed without removing the bullets and closing her wounds was a second that could lead her to death.

Just like before, Bucky resumed to his pacing, this time in the hall of the med bay, waiting impatiently for the doctors to come out of the surgery room and say something. He'd been there for three hours already, not having left the spot for even one moment. While everyone had gone to their rooms to shower and change, Bucky had glued himself at the med bay and he wasn't planning to go away until the doctors came out with some news.

"You should go to your room and take a shower, change your clothes." Steve spoke behind him, hoping to convince him. Bucky turned around to face his friend, fear written across his face evidently and he shook his head slightly.

"I'm not going anywhere until I know she's okay." He replied, voice cracking a little with each word he spoke and Steve couldn't help but feel bad for his friend. There was a stain of blood on his cheek, mixed with streaks of tears that had ran down his face. He looked as miserable as he felt.

"Bucky..." Steve tried again but Bucky was having none of it.

"I said no." He yelled at him, then more tears ran down both of his cheeks, his voice losing all the sound, his next words coming out in a broken whisper. "I can't... I just, I can't lose her." He finally confessed. "I can't fucking lose her Steve." He came to Steve, his forehead resting on his friend's shoulder in defeat.

Steve placed both his hands around his shoulders in a hug. "She's going to be okay. She's strong, pal." He could hear Bucky sniffle but he didn't say anything, silent sobs escaping his lips as his own arms came to wrap around Steve's body, returning the hug. After a few moments in silence Steve tried again. "Please just go take a shower. I'm sure the doctors will be there for some more time, but even if they aren't I'll call you as soon as they come out of that door. I promise." That seemed to finally convince Bucky and he nodded, even though half-heartedly, stepping away from Steve and walking towards the bedrooms.

Up in his room, he was staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, staring at the stain of her blood on his cheek. He recalled the way Y/n had looked at him, as if it would be the last time and he quickly shook his head to get rid of the thought. He couldn't lose her. He could not. Not without him never telling her how he truly felt for her. The bickering and arguing back and forth was nice for however long it lasted, but now he needed to tell her that he wanted a real relationship with her. He needed to tell her he loved her.

The thought that ran in his mind shocked him. Did he really love her? But there wasn't a doubt in him as he silently nodded to his reflection in the mirror. Yes, he did. He totally did. With a newfound determination and a rush in his bones, he quickly discarded of his tactical suit and moved under the stream of water, washing away all the tears and blood and grime. He was quick and thorough to wash himself and he rushed to get dressed and get down to the med bay again.

Y/n needed to make it out alive and he would tell her the truth about his feelings. No more hiding behind petty insults and sarcastic comments.

They had to wait for another three hours before the doctors finally came out. Bucky was the first to get up and walk to them, immediately asking them about Y/n. Behind his back, Steve, Sam and Natasha were waiting impatiently to know too.

"The bullets are all out and we closed all of her wounds, but one of them was too close to her spine and more difficult to remove. We hope she will wake up soon. For now she has to rest." One of them explained as calmly as he could.

"You hope? You fucking hope?" Bucky yelled.

"Buck.." Steve tried to calm him down but Bucky wasn't listening.

"No, you shut up." He turned to say to Steve, then back again to the doctors. "You're telling me her life is depending on your fucking hope? I thought you were the best and that's why Stark hired you." He was shouting in their faces and the poor doctors couldn't say anything.

"Mr. Barnes it's too early to speak now." The other doctor said, hoping to calm him down a little. "We did our best, now it's all up to her body and how well she recovers." The doctors excused themselves and walked away, leaving Bucky with his friends there. His mind was running at millions miles per hour, thinking of the worst things that could happen, but he was quick to dismiss those thoughts. Y/n had to wake up! She had to be okay! She had to!!!

Almost a week had passed and there was no sign that she was waking up. Her body was healing in a normal rhythm, but it seemed like it was her mind that wasn't cooperating. The doctors explained it as a short coma that her brain had put her body in to recover fully, but Bucky thought it was just a bunch of bullshit.

Every moment of every day he spent it in the room she was currently at, sitting in a semi comfortable chair next to her bed. He sat there during the day and slept there during the night, even ate next to her when Steve brought him something to put in his stomach after he refused once again to leave her side. He hadn't shower since the day they returned from the mission and he so badly needed to, but he still refused to leave her side.

"You know, doll, when you wake up, the first thing I'm gonna do is kiss you. I'm telling ya this now so when I do it it doesn't come as a surprise to you." He spoke to her as if they were conversing normally. He was always speaking to her, pouring his heart out to her, expressing his love to her, his fears, all of his feelings. And she remained there, immobile and silent while he spoke and spoke.

He was holding her hand in both of his, gently stroking her knuckles with his thumb when the door of the room opened and inside entered Natasha with a determination in her eye no one was able to break. "Get your ass up Barnes. You reek." She spoke to him, a little harsher than she intended to, but he wasn't listening to their kind requests anymore. Bucky only grunted out at her to leave him alone but Nat punched his right shoulder in reprimand. "I didn't ask. Now get your ass up from that chair. You're going to go in your room, and you're going to take a shower and then you can come back here. I'm sure Y/n wouldn't appreciate your unpleasant stink when she wakes up." That last sentence got his attention and he finally relented, albeit still a little unsure, but he got up from the chair and with one final look at Y/n's face he left the room to take a quick shower. Nat was definitely right about him reeking.

Another week scooped up in the same hospital like room, another week she's been silent, still not waking up. Bucky hated the feeling of the unknown, he hated to not have a sure answer, but he figured he'd wait his entire life for her. And that's what he was telling her this time. "I promise baby, you just have to wake up, then you can leave the rest to me. I know I've hurt you in the past and I know you probably really hate me, but I just need only one more try and I'm gonna make you fall in love with me just like I've fallen in love with you."

"Do you promise?"

The hoarse sound of her unused for weeks voice was heard, low and gruff and Bucky couldn't believe that it was actually happening. Still dazed, cupping both her cheeks in his hands he asked. "Y/n?" A little unsure of what to expect, almost certain he had only dreamed the whole thing.

"What, you lost your voice now? You were talking big game before I woke up." She spoke again, this time a little hint of playfulness evident in her otherwise still hoarse voice. Bucky chuckled, finally convinced that he wasn't dreaming and without missing a beat he connected his lips softly to hers, just like he had promised before. He sighed at the contact but broke it too soon for either of their liking.

Her eyes opened slowly to look up at him who was hovering above her, a dreamy smile plastered on his face.

"Hi."

"Hi, doll." He replied to her, a little breathlessly and she grinned up to him. "How much of what I've said this entire time have you heard?"

"Pretty much everything." She answered with the ever present grin. "You've made a lot of promises mister." Her voice held a glint of joy in it, the sound, Bucky was convinced it was angelic.

"And I plan to keep every one of them, sweetheart." He leaned down slightly to kiss her lips again, actually relieved he was able to finally do so. He was so stupid to have lost all that time arguing and fighting, not telling her how he really felt, only coming to his senses when he almost lost her, but he was done running away from his feelings. And apparently so was she. They kept kissing, keeping it slow and sweet, but able to transmit every single feeling into each other. They were so lost in that kiss they didn't even hear the door of the room open and the team entering, finding them lip locked and wrapped up in their own little world.

"Barnes, you asshole, when were you going to tell us that Y/n woke up?

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes one shot #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes imagines

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slapshot-to-the-heart · 4 years

Text

Four Times Nathan Proposed and One Time He Meant it

Hi! This is my humble contribution to @nolypats and @hockeyboysiguess campaign for Nathan MacKinnon for Hockey Boy of the Month. Please see their blogs for more info, also just because they’re amazing writers. This is my first time trying a 4+1, I thought it would be nice to put something out before the next chapter of Flatbush & Atlantic. It was genuinely so much fun writing this, so please let me know what you think!

Wine pairing: Rotari rosé. @hockeyboysiguess and I have started to pair all of our writings with their own wine, bearing in mind that neither of us knows anything about wine. It’s all about the VIBES.

4 times Nathan proposed and 1 time he meant it

The first time (February)

Jordan knocked on the door, a glass dish balanced precariously on her hip. She and Nathan tried to have a standing date night every week, something that wasn’t grabbing lunch when they were both free or meeting for coffee before she had to head to work and he went to practice. That was, unless there was a game. Or a roadie. Or a team event. So needless to say, the two had been a little strapped for “couple time” recently, and they were both feeling it. She had an article due the next day, a co-write about the use of illegal dark money in a recently-elected congressman’s campaign. Nathan had a long practice that morning and wasn’t feeling too up to anything that would require him to move too far from his couch.

He opened the door, giving her a quick kiss. “I pulled up a few movies I thought you might be into, but didn’t want to pick anything until you got here.”

“You’re so considerate, I think I’m going to swoon,” Jordan said.

Nathan shrugged. “I’ll catch you if you fall.” Deep down, he really was a romantic, though the boys would chirp him endlessly if they knew.

Jordan padded into the kitchen, setting the dish onto the counter and opening up the cabinet right above the toaster oven, grabbing two plates. Even apart from date night, it wasn’t uncommon for them to eat in; partly due to the fact that there were few things in this world Nathan loved more than being able to fly under the radar, something that was a little bit difficult to do when you wore the A for the Colorado Avalanche, but partly because in his own way, it was letting Jordan into his life. “What movies were you looking at?”

“Depends what you’re feeling,” Nathan replied. “We’ve got...Star Wars, Captain Marvel, and 10 Things I Hate About You.”

Her ears perked up. “The one with Heath Ledger?”

“That’s the one. Sound good to you?”

Jordan had always had a penchant for movies of the late-90s and early 2000s, especially if they were romcoms, and especially if said romcoms starred Julia Stiles. As a little girl, there was definitely more than once where she had herself entirely convinced that her life would turn out exactly like The Prince and Me. Minus, of course, the fact that the beginning of Paige and Edvard’s entire relationship was built on lies. Mainly, she was just really into crowns and big poofy dresses as a little girl. “Sounds good to me!” She said brightly. “You want a brownie?”

Nate craned his neck to look at her in the kitchen, looking expectantly at him with one hand holding a spatula. “You made brownies?”

Jordan giggled. “I did. I take it that’s a yes?”

“That’s a definitely, please, my God give me one right this second or I might combust.” She slid the plate onto the side table a minute later, grabbing two napkins. “Are these normal brownies?” Nathan asked, picking one up and inspecting it with a semi-confused look on his face.

“They’re triple-layer, it’s an old recipe for slutty brownies from when I was in college. Bottom’s cookie dough, then Oreos, then fudge brownie on top of that.”

Nate raised an eyebrow. “Slutty brownies?”

Jordan swatted at his shoulder. “I know it’s a weird name, just give them a chance. I know you’ve been feeling a little down with the losing streak, and thought you could use a pick-me-up. They were my go-to for breakups, always seemed to help the girls feel better, so I thought it might work for you too.”

He wouldn’t admit it, but Nathan’s heart skipped a beat with Jordan’s words. “Guess I’ll have to see,” he said, taking a bite out the corner. His face melted. “This is...literally the best thing I’ve ever tasted. Seriously, it’s so good. So good. Oh my God, marry me.”

Jordan flushed, turning to take a sip of water so he wouldn’t see. “I’m glad you like them.”

The second time (May)

It was 11:38 on a Friday night, and Jordan and Nathan were at a bar. To be precise, Jordan, Nathan, and pretty much the whole team were at a bar, plus what seemed like the entire population of Denver. Springtime meant playoff season for the NHL, and winning a series meant going out. Jordan normally had to pass whenever the team decided to hit up a bar or club after a win; as much as she would have liked to go, she was a journalist who kept a 9-5 job, which meant that she had to at least get some modicum of sleep if she was going to be able to function in the newsroom without an injection of caffeine straight into her veins. But it was the weekend, and she’d be damned if she was going to miss out on this.

For the most part, the fans weren’t making a fuss; there was the occasional picture taken or pat on the back for winning the conference semifinals for the first time in twenty years, but nothing out of hand. Sipping her Dark & Stormy, she looked fondly over at Nate, who was having what looked to be a very animated conversation with Burky. Already two and a half drinks in, Nathan was starting to act a little tipsy; while he was normally more reserved about public displays of affection, he kissed Jordan more than one as the night went on. Not like she was complaining. Picking up a refill from the bar, she scooted back into the booth next to Nate. He planted a messy kiss on her cheek. “Where’d you go, Jo?”

Jordan rolled her eyes. “Unlike some of us, I can’t just snap my fingers and have alcohol appear at will. I had to actually go to the bar for another drink,” she teased.

Nathan threw his head back laughing. “‘S’pose you’ve got a point there, babe.” He slung one arm over her shoulders. Jordan unconsciously leaned into his touch. “What’d you think of the game?” She wasn’t able to make it to every game, but was lucky that she could get down to the Pepsi Center more often than not. The Avalanche had beaten the Flames in 6, after dropping the first two games in Calgary and being pegged as another likely sweep, they had come back to win the next four and the series.

“Just trying to stroke your own ego, eh, MacKinnon?”

“Picking up some Canadian slang, eh, Murphy?”

She tilted her head. “Maybe, maybe not. But the game was amazing. You know that. You did amazing, Nate.” In the 3-1 win, Nathan had scored two points, an assist and an absolute beauty of a power-play goal that just barely squeaked into the top left corner above Rittich’s shoulder.

“Sure, maybe I do know,” Nathan admitted, “but it’s one thing hearing it from fans and the media and even my teammates. It’s another hearing it from you.” Jordan loved Nathan, but he wasn’t always the best at expressing his feelings out loud. She was the first one to say “I love you, to introduce him to her parents, to take just about any step forward in their relationship. It was something he was getting better at, slowly but surely, and it meant the world to Jordan that he was trying so hard. Maybe it was the liquor, or the atmosphere, or the excitement of the night, but it meant just as much to her to hear it as it probably did for him to say it.

Half an hour and several drinks later, the last few people left were trickling out. Most had carpooled to the bar, leaving their cars back at the arena to get the next day. Jordan would have ordered Nate an Uber and then just hitched a ride with someone else back towards her apartment west of downtown, but Nate was pretty far gone. And he was a cute drunk, all things considered, but she was on her way to sobering up and felt an obligation to at least get him in bed safe. Their car pulled up, Nathan clumsily ducking in ahead of her as she shut the door behind him, buckling first his seat belt then her own. They walked through his front door fifteen minutes later, Jordan dropping him off in his bedroom to get undressed before grabbing a glass of water and a bottle of Advil. Nathan was in his boxers when she walked in, struggling to pull a t-shirt over his head. Jordan laughed, walking to his side of the bed before gently tugging it, handing him the water and two Advil. “If you take it now, it’ll help with the hangover later.” Kissing his forehead gently, she turned to leave.

“Where are you going, Jo?”

She stopped at the door. “Home?”

“I want you to stay.”

She sighed gently, smiling at him. “Okay, I’ll spend the night.”

“No,” Nathan interrupted, grabbing her wrist lightly as she turned to grab one of his old World Cup shirts to sleep in. “Forever. I want you to stay forever.”

The third time (August)

It was the middle of August, and Jordan and Nathan were in Canada. He had invited her earlier in the summer to visit for a few weeks, and as soon as she got the time off approved, she booked her flight. Getting to Springhill wasn’t the easiest — she flew to Toronto, had a layover, flew to Halifax, then got picked up by Nate for the two hour drive to his hometown. He had flown out in June, about a month after the Avs lost to the Kings in the conference finals, so the couple hadn’t seen each other in nearly two months. Jordan wasn’t about to complain about a few more hours. His parents had been so generous letting her stay for two weeks, and hadn’t batted an eye when Nathan had moved her into his old room. “Just don’t wake us up,” his mom had said, causing Nathan’s cheeks to turn scarlet.

Jordan had met them a few times before; they had flown out for the All-Star game the previous January and had gotten together during the team Moms’ and Dads’ trips. And if she was around when Nathan was FaceTiming them, she always popped in for a few minutes to say hi. But she still hadn’t quite expected the ceaseless hospitality she had been offered over the past week. Maybe Canadians really were just that nice.

Halfway through Jordan’s trip, they decided to throw a barbeque. And by they, that meant it was Nate’s idea and he roped them all into helping. Jordan had already been introduced to a few of his old friends, they had gone out for drinks to the one bar in town on her second night, but she was excited to meet everyone else. His dad Graham was keeping an eye on the grill, Nathan had filled the cooler with drinks, and Jordan was helping his mom carry out the fruit bowl and salad to the backyard. Nathan ran up to his room to change right as people started trickling in, and came back to a yard full of family and friends. He craned his neck, trying to figure out where Jordan had wandered off too, before his sister pointed to where she sat with a few of his cousins.

Nathan opened his mouth, about to ask her something, when Jordan quietly brought a finger up to her lips. “She’s sleeping,” she whispered, gesturing to her arms, where a tiny baby was nestled, eyes firmly shut.

He remembered that his cousin Rachel had had a baby not too long ago, but didn’t realize she’d be old enough to travel yet. “Is this Natalie?” he asked quietly, sitting in the chair next to Jordan. Rachel nodded. For a few moments, Nathan was lost in the scene, lost in how damn perfect Jordan looked with a baby in her arms. They had spoken about those sorts of things — future things — enough to know that marriage and kids were something they both wanted, but this was the first time it had hit him, like really hit him, that that could be them down the line. Over by the fire pit, his mom watched, a soft smile on her face.

Nathan stood in the kitchen with his mom a few hours later, drying off dishes from the party. Handing a plate to him, Kathy shot a curious glance at her son, as if a thought had just popped into her mind that hadn’t been there before. Nate looked back at her, confused. “What is it, mom?

Kathy nodded out the window, where Jordan was laughing at a joke his dad had just made, balancing the last round of dirty plates to bring in on her arm. “When are you going to put a ring on it, Nathan?

Nathan wasn’t particularly prone to blushing, but he had been doing a lot of it lately. “I—uh—” His mom rested a hand on his shoulder with a knowing smile. “Okay, I’ll admit that I’ve been thinking about it.”

Kathy was beaming. “I knew it. When?”

“When am I going to propose?” She nodded. He shrugged. “I don’t know when it’s going to happen, Mom, but it’s going to. I’m going to marry that girl.”

The fourth time (November)

Jordan grimaced, breathing in sharply as she braced her elbows on her desk. Elisa, her friend who worked in the cubicle beside her, looked over, a concerned expression on her face. “You good, hun?”

Jordan nodded mechanically, opening a drawer and pulling out a bottle of ibuprofen, swallowing three with a gulp of water. “Yeah, I should be fine. I should be starting my period in the next day or two, so I’m pretty sure it’s just cramps.”

“Are they usually this bad though?” Elisa had always been a worrier.

She shook her head. “No, not since I went on birth control a few years ago, but who knows. The ibuprofen will help, and it’s probably normal anyways. I’m sure it’ll go away.”

It didn’t go away. Two hours later, when Elisa was finishing up the last paragraph of her analysis of the Broncos’ new coaching hire, Jordan suddenly shot up from her desk, running at breakneck speed towards the women’s bathroom with a queasy look on her face. Elisa followed, bursting through the door to the unmistakable sharpness of vomit. She knelt down next to Jordan, pulling her hair back with the spare scrunchie she kept on her wrist. “Jordan? Are you okay?”

Jordan shook her head. “I feel awful, El.”

Eliss touched the back of her hand to Jordan’s forehead. “You’re warm. Have the cramps gotten better.”

“Worse,” Jordan admitted, wiping at the beads of sweat that had started to accumulate on her forehead.

Elisa pulled out her phone from her back pocket. “I’m calling an ambulance. I don’t think this is cramps, Jo.”

Jordan didn’t have the strength to argue, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to anyways. The ambulance arrived ten minutes later, carting Jordan off to Denver Health Medical Center. “Any chance you could be pregnant?” one EMT asked.

“I could be, but I shouldn’t. I’m on birth control and my boyfriend always uses protection,” Jordan said weakly. The EMT made a scribble on her paper. She barely registered pulling into the hospital, nurses pulling her into the ER, or a doctor wheeling in an ultrasound machine. She was conscious enough to recite her name, date of birth, and insurance number before being taken into the operating room, and then a mask was placed over her nose and her world went dark.

The first thing Jordan did when she woke up was check the clock in her room. It was 3; from what little she remembered, she had been taken to the hospital sometime a little after noon. “Oh, thank God,” she heard from her left side. She recognized that voice. It was Nathan’s voice. He grabbed her hand — the one that didn’t have an IV drip in it — and kissed it quickly, smoothing back the pieces of her hair that had come out of the hair tie. “Elisa called during practice, and she told me what happened, but she didn’t even know what happened, and then I left and drove over here, but then—”

Jordan laughed softly, feeling a dull pain in her lower abdomen. “It’s fine, Nate, I’m fine. What happened, anyways? I don’t remember anything after I went into surgery, I have no idea what it was even for.”

“You had appendicitis, your appendix was about two seconds away from bursting.”

Jordan let out a low whistle. “Glad that didn’t happen. Hey,” she added as an afterthought, “I thought visiting hours here didn’t start until 4?” Jordan had visited a college friend of hers who had had a baby a few weeks prior, and could have sworn that she wasn’t let in until later.

Nate smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, they do. I couldn’t even figure out what room you were in at first. They wouldn’t tell me anything, so I told them I was your fiancé.”

“Oh, did you now?”

Nathan rubbed his thumb over her finger. Her ring finger. “I mean, it’s pretty much true. All I’ve got left to do now is ask you.”

“And get the ring,” Jordan added.

“Nope.”

+1 (January)

Family skates had quickly grown to be one of Jordan’s favorite parts of the season. She had loved the first one, but had felt just a tiny bit out of place; her and Nathan had only been dating for a little over six months, and it seemed like almost everyone else had known each other for years. But she’d forged some amazing friendships with other WAGs over the past year, trading babysitting duties for pies and meeting to watch the game while the boys were on a road trip, sharing new Spotify playlists and learning how to support each other along the way. The team had become her second family, even though her parents only lived an hour and a half away.

Jordan had been a competitive figure skater throughout high school and into college, so she was no stranger to the ice. She obviously couldn’t get out nearly as often as she had before, but her skates still fit and she could still land a triple salchow after warming up. She and Nate had been skating around for an hour or so, taking a break after some “friendly competition” where Josty had made the mistake of challenging Jordan to a race around the rink. She beat him by two seconds.

Jordan unscrewed the top of her water bottle, taking a few grateful sips before putting it back in her bag. “Babe!” Nate called from a few rows away, where some of the younger kids were gathered next to what looked like pastels. “Want to face paint?”

She smiled, raising her eyes playfully as she popped on her blade guards and walked over towards the bench. “You sure about that one, MacKinnon? I’m not much of an artist.”

He nodded enthusiastically. “It’s okay, I bet you’ll be great!” He was so sweet for believing in her.

“Alright,” Jordan said, straddling the bench and picking up the box. “What would his highness like for the design? Bear in mind you’re working with a beginner here.”

“Butterfly!” He chirped excitedly. “There’s been a whole bird and insect theme going on here,” he pointed at the kids’ cheeks, covered in bees, ladybugs, and one demonic-looking...crow? Was it a crow? Did they even get crows at this time of year? “and I wouldn’t want to break the trend.”

“We couldn’t have that,” Jordan agreed. Ten minutes later Nathan had a very blue, barely-acceptable-looking butterfly on his right cheek, but he was beaming like the sun as soon as he pulled up his camera to look at it. “I love it, Jo. Thank you,” Nate said, giving her a quick kiss.

Activities wrapped up not too long after, and Jordan and Nathan walked out of the rink hand-in-hand towards his car. They had moved in together two months earlier, and Jordan had been more than happy to move out of her tiny studio into Nate’s giant apartment, where you could see the Rockies from the rooftop on clear days. Plus, his building allowed dogs. As Nathan drove home, one hand on the steering wheel and the other tangled with hers by the center console, Jordan looked over at him, with the little blue butterfly on his cheek, and she suddenly felt so unbelievably happy. So unbelievably full. It went without saying that she loved Nate. She loved him like she had never loved anyone before, and never would again.

At the same time, Nate’s heart was beating faster than it ever had in his life. He wasn’t scared, he wasn’t surprised, but he had just realized something. He already knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Jordan. Nathan had realized that months ago. And he hadn’t been lying at the hospital, he had already bought the ring. But Nathan wanted everything to be perfect when he proposed; it couldn’t be rainy outside, because what if she wanted pictures? It couldn’t be too soon after her older brother’s wedding, because then she might think that was the reason why. It couldn’t be in the summer, because then he’d go back to Nova Scotia for the summer and his mom might scalp him for leaving his fiancée in another country. But, Nathan realized as they pulled into the underground lot, there never was going to be a perfect time. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to be Jordan’s husband. There shouldn’t be anything stopping him. There wasn’t anything stopping him.

“I’m going to run to the bathroom,” Nate said as Jordan slipped off her shoes. She nodded. Nathan went up the stairs, but past the bathroom. He walked into their bedroom, into his closet, to the shoebox that had his old atom league medals. He grabbed the velvet box, opening it and taking one last look before taking a deep breath and putting it in his pocket.

“You want to watch SVU reruns?” Jordan asked as he ambled back into the living room.

His mouth opened and closed like a fish. “Uh—can I say something?”

Jordan looked over. “Yeah, go ahead? We can totally watch something else if you’re not feeling Law & Order, I think I saw Chopped on the Food Network, or Jurassic Park is halfway through…” She trailed off.

Nathan shoved his hands in his pockets, turning the ring box over and over. He bit his lip. “You know how much you mean to me, right?” Jordan nodded slowly. “When I met you, I wasn’t looking for anything. I had just had my heart broken by someone who I thought would be my forever, but then you came into my life and suddenly...suddenly, it all made sense. I thought I knew love, I thought I knew what it was to be in love, but I didn’t, really. Not until you. You bring me down to earth, Jordan, when I’m too far in my head. I know you’re on my team even when we’re losing, even when it seems like nothing in my life is going right I know you’ll always be there to pick me up when I fall. And I don’t ever want to take that for granted. You challenge me in the best way, you always push me to be a better partner, a better teammate, and a better man. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for you.” Jordan was tearing up, starting to figure out where his whole speech was going and hoping beyond hope that she was right.

“I know I’m not always physically here, but I promise to always be there for you, Jordan. I’ll hold you when you’re crying, I’ll buy your favorite chips when we’re out, I’ll pay the utility bills because I know you’re terrible with remembering dates. It was eight months in when I realized you were the one.” Nathan bent down on one knee. One of Jordan’s hands was over her mouth, the remote having long since been abandoned on the couch. “I can’t wait to see where we go, Jordan. I can’t wait to get a nice house with a big backyard, go down to the animal shelter saying we’re only going to adopt one dog but come back with three. I can’t wait for the day you tell me you’re pregnant, and we get to hold our child for the first time and I get to see you be a mother. I can’t wait for us to start our lives together. I can’t wait for you to be Jordan MacKinnon.” He opened up the ring box. “Will you marry me?”

Jordan fell on her knees, hands on both sides of Nathan’s face. “Yes.”

#hockey imagine #hockey smut #nhl imagine #nhl smut #nathan mackinnon #hockey #hockey imagines #hockey writing #nhl #nhl imagines #nhl writing

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searchingwardrobes · 4 years

Text

I was just telling @spartanguard the other day that I hadn’t written a one-shot yet in 2020, and then this came to me! I was first inspired by a conversation I had with my husband the other night about the heat and my sleeping habits. Then I was thinking about a trip to upstate New York to visit my mom’s family a few years ago when they had a record-breaking heat wave. We were shocked to discover that very few people - or even businesses - had air conditioning. Because, regardless of what you may have seen in John Grisham movies, we Southerners understand the importance of central air.

** Important Notes: First of all, despite the title, this is NOT smut. There is nudity, and sex is hinted at in the end, but that’s it. Also, if you’re concerned about baby Hope and SIDS because she’s on her back with a blanket, don’t be. She’s around nine months old in this, when babies are perfectly capable of rolling over on their own.**

Summary: There's a heat wave in Storybrooke, and it's making it hard for Emma to sleep. But regardless of the heat, Emma can't stop touching her husband. She never can.

Rating: T

Words: About 1,500

Also on Ao3

Tagging:@snowbellewells @whimsicallyenchantedrose @kmomof4 @let-it-raines @teamhook @bethacaciakay @xhookswenchx @tiganasummertree @shireness-says @stahlop @scientificapricot @welllpthisishappening @resident-of-storybrooke @thislassishooked @ilovemesomekillianjones @kday426 @ekr032-blog-blog @lfh1226-linda @ultraluckycatnd @nikkiemms @optomisticgirl @carpedzem @ohmakemeahercules @branlovestowrite @superchocovian @sherlockianwhovian @vvbooklady1256 @hollyethecurious @winterbaby89 @delirious-latenight-laughs @jennjenn615 @snidgetsafan

Emma’s hand was significantly warmer than the rest of her body. She was wearing nothing but her panties and the thinnest tank top she owned, she had flung the blankets away and was covered with nothing but a thin sheet, and one foot was sticking out of said sheet. The window to their bedroom was opened wide to let in what little breeze there was on this sweltering August night, and the ceiling fan worked as hard as it could to move the stale air.

So she should really move her hand away from her husband’s chest.

Storybrooke was in the midst of a record-breaking heat wave. It was so unheard of this far north, that Emma, Regina, and Zelena had even searched for a possible magical explanation. But no, it wasn’t a strange curse. All of Maine was experiencing the heat wave. The 97 degree heat didn’t break the record (that was 105 way back in 1911), but it was sure making everyone in town miserable.

So she should really move her hand away from her husband’s chest.

To make matters worse, their dream house had no central air. It hadn’t seemed like a big deal when Emma purchased it. After all, it wasn’t usually needed in Maine, and this close to the sea, they could just open up all the windows to let the ocean breeze waft through the house. This week, however, they were really wishing they had air conditioning.

So yeah, it didn’t make sense that her hand was still resting on Killian’s chest. What was it about the male species that they radiated heat like a furnace? In the winter, it was wonderful. Emma would curl up against her warm, furry husband, eliciting a “bloody hell” from him when she slid her ice cold toes between his calves. She had never been a cuddler before, even with Neal, but with Killian, she was. She loved to tuck her head under his chin and run her fingers through his chest hair. She loved when he gathered her close when her back was to him, and she would wrap her arms around his, relishing the way he nuzzled into her neck. When he came to bed after her, she always sensed the way the bed dipped and would reach out for him. Not always in the most subtle way. There was the infamous evening of November 12th when the crack preceding his “bloody hell” made her worry that she’d broken his nose or something. She’d never been very graceful. Thankfully, all she’d done was smack him in the face.

The point was, she couldn’t not touch him. Even on a night like this, she had to feel him, know he was there. It was too damn hot for cuddling, but she could at least feel his chest hair beneath her fingers and the beat of his heart against her palm.

But that chest of his was hot - and she meant that literally. She’d be a whole lot cooler if she pulled away, and maybe then she wouldn’t be lying here wide awake. She sighed as her gaze raked his body head to toe. He was sound asleep, snoring softly, completely nude, and completely on display, with no sheets or blankets covering him. Killian had told her when they went to bed that if she wanted to be cool, she should just strip down and not use the sheets. Emma had retorted that she hated sleeping naked, her boobs flopped around. He’d waggled his eyebrows, naturally, his gaze falling to her chest, and pointed out that the scrap of fabric she called a tank top couldn’t possibly provide that much support. She’d rolled her eyes and pointed out that he had no way of understanding the burden of having breasts.

“Your discomfort is a cross I’m willing to bear.”

Remembering the conversation made her chuckle. They laughed a lot. She really liked that about them.

Emma sighed. She was so damn hot! Maybe Killian was right, maybe she should discard the sheet. No. She couldn’t do it. It would make her feel exposed, alone, forgotten. Like those temporary holding places in the system where all you got was a cot in a line of others, and you couldn’t sleep for the sounds of soft crying.

Emma scooted closer to her husband.

She rolled over onto her back, but still didn’t move her hand. Her arms were stretched out now like a starfish. She stared at the ceiling fan for a minute, then turned her head to check on Hope through the video monitor. She was out cold, just like her dad. Also like her father, Hope was on her back, one arm flung up over her head. Emma could see the rise and fall of her chest since she was wearing nothing but a diaper because of the heat. Emma had given her a thin blanket, just in case, but Hope had flung it aside. Like father, like daughter.

If the older ladies of Storybrooke could see her, they’d have a fit. Emma had gotten an earful in town today about her baby girl being cold because she was wearing nothing but a spaghetti strap sundress. In 97 degree heat she was cold? Why did everyone 65 and older think babies needed to be bundled up at all times? In the winter, they had always lectured her about Hope’s bare feet (underneath piles of blankets, mind you). Had these women never attempted to keep socks and shoes on a baby? It was impossible! Hope’s socks should have been scattered all over Storybrooke at this point, but no. Whenever she lost them, it was as if they'd been sucked into a portal to an unknown realm, never to be seen again.

“Your thinking was so loud it woke me up, Swan,” Killian mumbled next to her.

Emma rolled back over to look at him, but his eyes were still closed. “Sorry,” she whispered, “I’m just so hot.”

He cracked one eye open, “I told you to get naked.”

Emma chuckled as he rolled towards her and tried to gather her in his arms. She pushed both hands against his chest. “Ugh, Killian, it’s too hot for this!”

“Then why can’t you keep your hands off me, love?” he teased, though he let go of her, propping himself up on his hand instead.

“I wish I could deny it,” she sighed, reaching up and brushing at the hair that had fallen across his forehead, “but I can’t. I just always have to be touching you. Even awake.”

He smiled softly and reached out with his stump to brush her hair off her cheek. She remembered well how long it took him to be comfortable touching her with his stump, and now he did it without even thinking. Her heart swelled.

“Why do you suppose that is?”

“You can’t stop touching me, either,” she replied with a smile, tracing his jaw with the tip of her finger.

“I asked you first.”

Emma’s head dropped back to her pillow as she laced their fingers together. “I guess I just want to be sure you’re still here and that you’re safe.”

He frowned, and Emma slid her fingers up to his forehead to smooth away the creases that had formed there. She didn’t mean to make him feel guilty. He turned and kissed her palm, and his face relaxed.

“And I suppose I just want to be sure this is all real. That I’m not dreaming.”

Emma threaded her fingers through his hair and pulled him closer. “You deserve your happy ending, Killian Jones.”

She could feel his contented smile against her lips as she brushed them against his. He nuzzled his nose with hers when she pulled back. “And you don’t have to worry about what every self-appointed granny in Storybrooke says, love. If we’re hot, so is Hope. That’s what all the baby books say.”

A gasp left Emma’s lips. She wouldn’t say he could read her mind - gods knew they wouldn’t have the communication problems they sometimes had if he did - but he always seemed to know what was bothering her. And he always knew how to assuage those fears. Emma grasped his face in her hands and kissed him aggressively, pulling him down with her onto the mattress.

“I thought you said it was too hot for this,” Killian mumbled against her skin as he trailed kisses down her neck.

“Well,” Emma smirked, “if we’re already sweaty . . . “

#cs ff #future fic #canon compliant #cuddling #married life #heatwave

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horansqueen · 4 years

Text

You & Me : chapter 44

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.5k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: okayyy so here it is. time passes quicker, and youll see itll be like that in the last few chapters too. i hope you like this one, i hope youll like the last few chapters. im a bit nervous so i hope it’s not too bad! oh yea and i used a manip someone made on instagram, just thought it was cool haha!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : some requests i used here but ill only post them in the next chapter because i don’t want to spoil anything!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 44 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

August 9th, 2018

That was it. We were done with an other season and I couldn't believe what we accomplished. What I accomplished. We had filmed the last scene two days ago, right on time for me to go see Niall perform in LA two nights in a row and the party organised to celebrate the end of this season was scheduled on the first night of his week off. Everything seemed to fit perfectly together and I was happy. I was genuinely and truly happy.

"Did I tell you how much I missed you?" I heard my boyfriend whisper near my ear as he wrapped his arms around me from behind, making a shiver cross my whole body.

"Mm yes, about a million times in the past 3 days." I replied with a chuckle, tilting my head as he pressed his lips gently on my neck.

I had missed him so much too. We had spent over a month apart and just like I expected, we were even stronger than we were before and that said a lot. We had talked every single day on facetime but it was never the same than to be able to smell him, feel him, taste him... just seeing him face to face was different than on a screen and I had no idea how i'd be able to spend an other 5 weeks separated from him.

"Okay then, did I tell you how good you look tonight?"

I laughed again and turned around in his arms, tilting my chin up to look in his eyes. We were a bit farther from the others, slightly hiding by a part of the wall, and i licked my lips, hoping no one was paying attention to us.

"I'm literally wearing an old pair of jeans that shows how big my ass is and a plain t-shirt." I pointed out. "But thank you."

As if it was a suitable answer, his hands slid from my back to my butt and he squeezed it, making me laugh again.

"I love your ass."

"And in public too?" I asked with an amused smile, my eyebrows raised. "Are you drunk?"

He chuckled and bent down to kiss my lips and i let him, feeling his warm mouth move gently and slowly against mine. No matter how many times we kissed, it always felt amazing, and no one else tasted that good.

"We should go back to the others." I pointed out in a low voice. "They're gonna start wondering where we are."

"Mm, I don't care." he whispered against my lips, making me chuckle low.

"Come on." I just replied, finally taking a step back and tilting my head on the side. "We can cuddle tonight."

We walked back in the room hand in hand and I noticed Dylan looking at us. He sent me a small smile that I answered as I tried to ignore Heidi, sitting next to him. They had been dating for longer than I thought they would and I was wondering if he still thought everything he had told me about her the last time we discussed it. I really thought it was a good thing for him to be with someone else, I just thought it sucked that she was the one he had picked. Still, it was none of my business and I couldn't stop him from inviting her to this party. After all, it was his tv show too, and I owed him a lot. I was well aware that it was more popular because he was the male lead and I knew how lucky I was to act with him.

As soon as we sat down, Heidi and Dylan got up but she left to the other side of the room and he walked to us, sitting in front of my boyfriend. I didn't know if this was about to be awkward but before we could say anything, I heard my phone and frowned. I grabbed it quickly and excused myself, knowing it was even more awkward that I left my boyfriend and my ex boyfriend together.

"Hey Louis, you're calling at a very weird moment." I just said with a smile.

"That's me specialty, love." he let out as a joke, making me chuckle. "You mom tried to call you apparently, but she couldn't reach you so she called my phone. Sweet sweet lady with an incredibly strong accent. It always surprises me."

I rolled my eyes but a smile still drew itself on my lips. "What did she want?"

"She said it was not urgent but she wanted to talk to you, make sure you're not dead or something."

I raised my nose up. "Don't joke with that."

"Sorry love, I didn't mean to bring back... that memory." he apologized after a few seconds of silence. "She doesn't know though, does she?"

"No, only you, me, Niall, and I'm guessing El?"

"Olivia, I didn't tell that to anyone, not even El." Louis admitted, making me smile fondly. "This is no one's business but yours. I promise to keep that secret forever."

"Thank you, Lou." I whispered before swallowing.

I hated to remember that moment of weakness I had, even if I knew it was part of why I was who and where I was today. I really had to hit rock bottom to kick myself up and finally breathe again. If my relationship with Niall was so strong now, it was partly because I had worked on myself and although I knew I still had work to do, I was stronger than I used to be when I first dated Niall. Of course, swallowing all the pills I could find was not my smartest or strongest moment but I was trying to forgive myself.

"Oh you want to hug me right now don't you?" Louis joked, making me laugh through my tears. "I know you!"

I laughed and wipe my eyes quickly before licking my lips. "Yea, I drank a bit too so it doesn't help. I'll text you soon, Lou."

"You better. Love you, queen."

I smiled fondly at the nickname and closed my eyes. "Love you too."

I hung up and texted my mom quickly before going back to the table. Dylan was now sitting next to Niall and it made me frown. I knew they were both a bit tipsy and I didn't want anything bad to happen between them. Gladly, I knew Niall was not into confrontation and Dylan was quite laid-back too. Plus, he was probably over me by then and if they could just accept each other's company, it would be enough for me. I didn't expect them to become close friends, of course, but It would be nice if it wasn't awkward between them anymore.

"Oh and that small.. whimper or whisper she makes when you slip your hand in her panties." I heard Niall comment before Dylan chuckled.

"Right." he agreed, shaking his head gently. "And she's always so ready too."

A tiny part of me wanted to stay and listen to what they were going to say but the part of me that was angry was definitely bigger. I took a step closer but held my breath when Dylan started talking again.

"Let's say it's different than Heidi."

"No man, I ain't going there." Niall laughed while shaking his head before taking a sip of his beer.

"No, I mean, Heidi is very sexy but it's that... that connection, you know?" I frowned and my lips parted when Niall laughed again.

"I don't want to hear about the 'connection' you had with my girlfriend, O'Brien." he pointed out, turning his almost empty beer with his fingers.

"No yea, I know. I just mean that... it's different when you love someone."

"Are you two really comparing how Heidi and I are in bed?"

Both of them jumped so high I thought they were about to fall off their chairs. I wanted to look at their reaction but I decided to focus on my boyfriend and when he turned around, his face changed and I could read fear in his eyes. I crossed my arms on my chest and shook my head, licking my lips.

"That's fucking disgusting. I don't deserve that, and Heidi doesn't either."

This time, I read surprise in Niall's eyes and glanced at Dylan who seemed as shocked as my boyfriend. Oh I still didn't like Heidi, but that didn't mean it was okay for them to discuss about how she was in bed.

"Just because both of you had the chance to fuck us both doesn't give you the right to share gossips about us." I pressed my lips together, trying to keep my anger inside and breathed in deeply. "That's fucking wrong."

I turned on my heels and left before I stopped and turned around again to look at them. "I'm mad at you both, by the way, if that wasn't clear enough."

I walked quickly to my dressing room and closed the door before holding myself against the counter, closing my eyes. I was torn between being mad that they could easily talk about me like that and being relieved that they could actually talk to each other without it being awkward. After a few minutes, I heard a knock at the door and thinking it was probably one of them, I swung the door open but my face changed when I noticed my assistant. My lips curled and I raised my eyebrows a bit surprised.

"You left quickly, are you okay?" she asked, concern written all over her face.

I made a quick head movement to incite her to walk in and closed the door behind her before we both sat down, her on the couch and me on a chair. Tinka was fairly new since my old assistant had to leave due to a pregnancy and we immediately bounded. She was gorgeous and I had to admit I was a bit jealous of her, not only for her looks but also for the way she attracted people easily and all that charisma she had probably inherited at birth, but at the same time, I felt connected to her too and I could never hate her.

"Okay so, I wanted to show you something. I mean at first I was not sure if I should, because I shouldn't have filmed it in first place, but..." she blabbed nervously before shaking her head. "I'll just show you."

She took her phone and clicked on a few things before handing it to me. I frowned, taking it cautiously before noticing she was showing me a video. I clicked on play and my eyes got bigger when I noticed Niall, sitting at the cafeteria as Heidi sat down in front of him. The first part of the conversation was hard to hear but Niall seemed confused and when she handed him a sheet of paper, I frowned again. He stared at what was written on it and finally, she put her hand on top of his and I felt my heart jump high in my throat. The second part of the conversation though, I heard it very clearly.

“You’re right. We should get back together, Niall.” Heidi said with a soft voice. “I mean, I know you’re trying to make me jealous with her but let’s be real. Who could really be jealous of her?"

This time, my heart sank in my chest and I swallowed hard. I was worth more than Heidi gave me credits for, I knew it now, but I also knew she would never see it. Perhaps, she was too busy trying to win Niall back.

“Do you even listen to yourself? You know damn well I’m with Liv and.. aren’t you with Dylan? I love her, okay! I’m not trying to make anyone jealous, I’m just trying to love her the way she deserves to be loved… the way I failed to love her the first time. And you have nothing to do with any of this. What even makes you think I want to be with you?"

I bit my bottom lip, breathing in deeply again and trying to suppress a small smile of relief when I heard my boyfriend's words. The fact that he admitted that he failed to love me right the first time made something stir in my stomach. I knew that failed relationship was not just on him, but it was nice to hear him admit that, especially to someone else.

“Because of that song! You wrote it for me and put it in one of my boxes for me to find!” she argued with him.

I saw Niall roll his eyes and his next words were as harsh as the tone he had used.

“I wrote this about Olivia! I wrote that in the first week I saw her again at the bakery after not seeing her for over a year. It isn’t about you, Heidi. It got in one of your boxes by mistake!” he let out rudely. “I love Olivia, not you. You need to let it go, okay? And those instagram posts you make.. For fuck’s sake, Heidi! What’s the point? Make me feel bad? Alright, I’m sorry I cheated on you, I should have broken up with you before and that was a mistake, okay? Now please, leave me the fuck alone.”

The video stopped but I still stared at the screen, lost in my thoughts, until Tinka talked again.

"I don't know why i recorded this, and I know I shouldn't have, I'm sorry." she apologized again. "But it was recorded anyway so I mean, why not show it to you?"

I just stared at the thumbnail of the video again before clicking on the 'delete' button and when it asked me if I was sure, I clicked on 'yes' without hesitation.

"Thanks, Tinka. I deleted it." I finally said, looking up at her before she nodded. "But thank you for showing me. Just... don't do that again, please. Niall and I we're both very... private."

I handed her her phone back just as an other knock was heard at the door. We both got up and I opened the door as she walked past Niall. He nodded at her and finally turned back to me, his hands in his pockets. I couldn't help but tilt my head, glancing down at him, telling myself once again how good he looked. I also couldn't stop thinking about the way he had told Heidi he loved me and it made me want to hug him.

"Olivia, I'm.. so sorry."

I crossed my arms over my chest and raised my eyebrows, expecting more than just a simple apology.

"You're right. It was so wrong, and we shouldn't have." he added, making me lick my lips. "We were literally trying to find something to talk about, and it was so awkward... the only thing we really have in common is you. But we shouldn't have."

I let my shoulders fall and sighed, raising my nose up in a grimace. "So I really make some sort of whimper when you slip your hand in my panties?"

He chuckled and took one of his hands out of his pocket to pass it in his hair. "Yea, you do. But I'm slightly jealous knowing you also whimper like that when he did it. I thought I was special."

"Oh, poor little boy thought he was special." I joked, making him grimace too. "Come here."

I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him inside before closing the door behind him. He was close to me, so close I could feel the warmth of his body close to mine, and when my ass met the counter, I smiled more. He chuckled as he stared down in my eyes and shook his head slightly.

"Do you forgive me?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Mm, maybe."

I felt his hand slip in my jeans and panties and my eyes fluttered slightly as my lips parted as I let lout a whimper despite myself.

"And now?" he asked, clearly amused by the effect he had on me.

"I'll tell you in a few minutes." I whispered, tilting my chin up to look at him better.

I felt two of his fingers brush gently on my clit before he slipped them inside me. I moved one of my legs up on the counter and he moved closer to me, bending down slightly until his lips were only a few inches away from mine.

"You're all mine, yea?" he whispered, making me bite my bottom lip. "Say it."

"Mm, I'm all yours Niall." I breathed out, blinking a few times. "I belong to you."

"Fuck yes you do."

He started fingering me quickly, making sure his palm was rubbing against my clit and when I felt an orgasm spread all over my body, I let my head fall back and shook slightly as he pressed his mouth against mine. I could feel his lips curl as I came and I finally got down from my high, whimpering low and wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Okay, I forgive you." I whispered, kissing him deeply for a few seconds before moving my head slightly back. "Do you think that's how Dylan will want to be forgiven too?"

I laughed lightly at the face he made and I heard him groan low. "I'll kill him."

I shook my head a bit and my amused smile turned into a fond one. "You know, I never ever moaned his name." I admitted, licking my lips. "I only do that with you."

He looked happy with my confession but he still raised his eyebrows. "Why?"

"Because... I was always scared I'd moan your name instead."

His face changed and somehow, I could read love in his eyes and it made me swallow hard. He remained silent and my lips parted again.

"I've never stopped loving you, Niall." I murmured. "I told you."

"Guess what, Olivia?" he let out in a soft tone, his eyes roaming quickly on my face. "I never stopped loving you either."

----

August 15th, 2018

Dylan had stopped me before I left and had apologized to me profusely. He even texted me the next day to apologize again and I forgave him immediately. Maybe it was because I felt a bit guilty for not telling him about the video Tinka had showed me where his girlfriend was blatantly trying to get back with my boyfriend, but It was easy to forgive him and I knew he felt horrible about it. I was still unsure if I should tell him and at the same time, I didn't want to be the reason of their break-up, or even of a fight so I deciced to ignore it for now but that didn't stop me from feeling bad.

It was almost time for Niall to go back on tour and I felt extremely nervous about it. It had taken me about a week to decide on what I would do. I wanted to go with him but at the same time, I didn't want to be the clingy girlfriend who followed him everywhere. With time, I realized that I could follow him without going back to my old habits but I still had no idea how to tell him. He hadn't mentioned it again, probably because he didn't want to sound pushy or make me feel like I had to follow him, but my insecurity sometimes tried to make me believe it was because he didn't really want to spend so long with me.

"Why did you want me to come with you, Louis?" I asked, raising my eyebrows and turning to him as he was parking. "You know it's one of my last few days with Niall."

Louis laughed and shook his head, turning to me to look in my eyes.

"We both know you're gonna follow him on tour, Liv. Who are you trying to fool?" he said, his accent thick. "You can spend a few hours with your best friend, can't ya?"

I felt my heart skip a beat at how well Louis knew me, sometimes even better than I knew myself, and I realized that I had opened up to him like I had never opened up with anyone else besides Niall. And I didn't regret it at all.

"Yes. You're right."

"Look," he started again, turning on his seat to look at me. "I have something for you."

He searched through his pockets and handed me a well-folded piece of paper, which was surprising. Normally, anything that ended up in Louis' pocket was crumpled or crushed. I frowned a bit and took it before unfolding it gently and carefully.

"I drew it meself. Took me hours."

My lips parted as I looked at the drawing of a crown. It was pretty and he clearly had put a lot of effort into it. It was not perfect, but I thought that's what made it look even more special.

"Wow, Louis... this is..."

"I made it for you." he cut me gently. "If you wanted to get a tattoo, that is. It represents you well, don't ya think?"

I looked up in his eyes and weirdly, I could read stress, like he was not sure how i'd react. The fact that Louis always called me his queen, and that he had even written a song about me with that word made this drawing even more important for me and as soon as his eyes met mine, I knew it would be impossible for me not to get this tattoo.

"I think it represents you, actually." I explained, tilting my head and looking at him. "This tattoo will always remind me of you, and I want you to know that you're important to me, Louis. I would be dead without you. Literally."

His lips curled slightly on the right and stress disappeared from his traits.

"Now you need to draw something for me to get, too." he pointed out.

"Wait, so we're here to get you a tattoo that I would draw?" I asked as his smile turned into a smirk.

"Exactly."

"Can it be simple? I can't draw for shit." I admitted with a grimace.

"Just draw it, give it to the artist, and I'll look at it when it's done."

I stared at him for a few seconds, feeling my heartbeats accelerate and after a while, I breathed in and out. After all, if he didn't like it, he could always get something over it, right?

It took half an hour to get the crown tattooed on my ankle but only about 10 minutes to get the smiley I had drawn for Louis. It was pretty simple with x's instead of eyes and since it was on his wrist, he kept his eyes closed the whole time to make sure it wouldn't ruin the surprise. We walked back to his car in silence about an hour later and sat down, both of us leaning against our seats.

"Is it too simple?" I asked before he turning his head my way with a smile.

"No, it's perfect."

I smiled back at him and held my hand up between us. It took him a few seconds but he finally grabbed it, intertwining his fingers with mine and squeezing my hand.

"Thank you for saving my life." I let out in a soft voice. "Literally, but also metaphorically."

"You saved mine, too."

---

When I walked back in Niall's house... I mean, in our house... I heard him talk and frowned, trying to be quiet in case he was on the phone. I saw him in front of his laptop, just talking to the screen and it took me a few minutes to realize he was probably on a live chat on instagram. I made sure to remain silent and walked to the kitchen to gt myself a glass of wine and leaned against the counter. I listened to what he was saying from the living room, smiling and chuckling from time to time until I heard him say his goodbyes. I wanted an other minute or two, knowing Niall was the kind of person who said bye by stayed an other half an hour with his hand on the doorknob before actually leaving and when I joined him in the living room, he was getting up.

"Are you done?"

"Yes, sorry, I thought it would take you longer." he apologized, making me smile.

"No, it's all good, it's cool that you do lives for your fans." I just shrugged, joining him near the couch. "Your such a good person."

He smiled more and took the glass from my hands before placing it on the coffee table. I chuckled and he wrapped his arms around my waist, raising his eyebrows.

"And does that turn you on?"

I laughed some more. "Maybe."

He didn't answer anything. Instead, he pressed his lips against mine as his arms pulled me even closer. My eyes fluttered close as he deepened the kiss and I sighed low, feeling my body relax in his arms.

"I'm gonna miss you so much." he whispered before kissing me some more,

"I'll miss you more."

He stepped forward, forcing me to take a step back, and guided us around the couch and until the hall. I ended up hitting my back on the wall and I laughed against his lips.

"Clumsy ass." he said in the same amused tone he always said it. "I love you."

We finally ended up in our room and he closed the door with one of his feet, bringing me to the bed and quickly putting himself on top of me. I loved the feeling of his body over mine, warming me, and it always surprised me that every time, it would make a shiver cross my back. I shivered in his arms and he pulled away slightly to look in my eyes.

"How about we stay locked here until I have to take that fucking stupid plane?"

I raised my eyebrows and my lips parted before I tilted my chin up. "Don't you have somewhere to be tomorrow?"

"I canceled." he admitted, his eyes dropping to my lips before he ground his hips against mine, probably without thinking.

"For me?" I asked with a small smile.

"For us."

I brought my hands to his cheeks and let one of my thumbs brush on his bottom lip. "How many times are you gonna make love to me until you leave?"

His lips curled again and he chuckled low. "As many times as I can."

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan story #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan writing #1dff #my fanfics #yam

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theouijagirl · 4 years

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Hey Tumblr. It’s been a while.

It’s not you, it’s me. Lately I’ve had to shelve quite a few things in my life, and Tumblr wound up being one of them. I’m really sorry if any of you became extremely worried or distressed at my sudden absence. I didn’t intend to be gone for so long.

I should start off by saying: I’m fine. The cat is fine, my house is fine, etc. Everything is okay; nothing is wrong. There’s nothing to worry about.

Honestly the only thing that has gone wrong lately has been the fact that a new virus evolved that is extremely deadly, and my government has decided that it would rather wish it would go away than try to do anything to stop it or prevent people from dying. My job was an indoor facility that mainly involves active play for families and manly profits from birthday parties, so obviously my building closed with no knowledge of when it would open. And toward the end of August, I got an email from my CEO saying that she decided she would not be reopening my building.

At first I felt okay, because the worry and the wondering was over, and now it was a sense of excitement of a new chapter of my life starting, and wondering what new people I would meet at my new job. And truly, I have met some incredibly wonderful people at the places I work (two part-time jobs, so I can still be full time) and I feel more like I’m really becoming the professional person I want to be at my jobs. On the other hand, the sense of grief at losing my job that I’ve had for five years has really hit me hard during October. My coworkers really were some of my dearest friends, most of whom I haven’t seen since March. Some of them have had babies, and I don’t know when I can see them. We had Halloween traditions which involved Costco pizza and lots of candy, and it physically hurts to know it won’t happen this year and that last year was the last time and we didn’t even know it. It aches to know I’ll never again walk into my old office. It hurts to throw out my old employee shirts. It truly has felt like a death to me and I really have needed to take some time to process it.

But really, Good News Number 1 is that I am working full time again, which doesn’t allow me as much time on this blog. I was at my desk at my old job, in which I could totally go on Tumblr whenever I wanted, and there’s no way I can do that at my jobs now. Also, Good News Number 2 is that I have new health insurance and I have the best team of doctors I’ve ever had in my life, and they’ve put me on some incredible medications to manage my depression and migraines. For the first time in my life, I’m not depressed every day. We are still working on the migraines, but I don’t have a headache all day every day. However, I still have the fatigue from having chronic pain, and I’m dealing with some pretty severe side effects, so when I come home from my jobs I go to bed.

Good News Number 3 is that my ASMR YouTube channel has given me more joy than I have ever expected. I actually really delight in making a schedule, filming, editing, and posting, and of course checking and replying to comments. It feels incredibly rewarding. I’ve been meditating on why it feels so different from any other hobby I’ve had, and I’ve come to realize that all my other hobbies are basically “Put money into the thing to make yourself feel good.” So I’ve tried distancing myself from any of my hobbies that encourage spending, such as video games and Kpop. I haven’t watched anything on a paid streaming service. I’ve been limiting my time on Pokemon GO, only because their Halloween event right now is actually good, compared to other years, but I’m not doing any activity that is made easier by purchasing items. And everything just feels more freeing, like there’s suddenly a weight off my shoulders that I didn’t even know was there. I allow little things here and there, like I’ll listen to a new Kpop release when it comes out, but not stream it, and the new Sims pack looks amazing so I’ll have to play for a bit once it comes out (and the only game I’ve allowed myself is Among Us, but really only because of the social aspect). But just having my hobby be something I create that people around the world can relax and enjoy and learn from, since it’s an educational channel, feels so incredibly rewarding. It feels better than working on my Animal Crossing town, or learning a Kpop dance. It’s my favorite thing out of all the Good News.

And now there’s this Tumblr. I always do a big blog post project in October. I started it early in October. I kind of hated it. But I didn’t have any other big ideas for what to do. And I mostly felt uninspired for two reasons. 1) Even though I made a post asking people not to do this, a majority of my asks was still people asking my opinions on Shannen Doherty and Keke Palmer. For the record, I literally have no opinions on these women, so please stop asking. 2) Even though we really don’t want to admit it, Tumblr is dying. It’s nothing like it was before, and it’s easily not even in the top 5 social media sites these days. Like, what’s the point of doing a big series on a social media site that nobody uses? And this isn’t toward my solid fan base, but my solid fan base is like a couple hundred people. I used to get the “wow, I just found your blog!” Anon once a week, now I’m lucky if I get one every few months. Our community just isn’t using Tumblr like we used to. Now, it seems like TikTok is the way to go. And I just don’t want to use TikTok. I’m a writer. I just figured out how to use YouTube, and even then, I don’t like the TikTok format style of video. Like, it’s great, but it’s not the format that I feel creative with. So I just feel stuck. And it makes me not want to write on this blog, honestly.

Of course I’ll still answer questions, I always will. I don’t think I’ll ever quit this blog. And of course, if you send me an ask or message that is life or death, I’ll respond the second I see it. But I really don’t know what the future of this blog is going to be anymore.

As for the spooks, that’s never going away either. If you don’t feel that energy outside at night right now then are you even human. It’s tangible. Not to mention, when I was filming an ASMR video about spooky places and was talking about Salem, and mentioned the name of the first young girl to be hanged, I felt a cold hand run down my right hand and arm, and my room was very warm considering I close all the windows while filming and have a warm cat in my lap.

Regardless, it’s gonna be a good Halloween.

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disastrousjest · 4 years

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Confessions of 2020..

(tw: covid mention, mental health mention)

I wanted to post a little something that might put out some insight for my followers, friends, mutuals alike. With the recent battle I had with some personal blogs attacking me over some posts I made because of the images, regardless of the purpose of the post. I just wanted to let everyone aware of why that sent me over the edge and why I handled it the way I did. Please note: I will not be apologizing for what I said, I do feel as though those that tried to reach out to me did not realize the purpose of the post. And while I understand now I should just tag things like that differently, I will not be apologizing for stating the fact that this is a rp blog and I do not appreciate personal blogs attacking me over something like that. That being said, I will not be bullied off tumblr or this account. Because I love JJBA and Joseph Joestar. So for future reference, if you don’t like my content, unfollow it. Don’t bother sending me nasty remarks because I do not have the time for those types of things. But I wanted to open the doorway to some insight for you all who have been paying attention or who just might care to know why I came off so incredibly outraged by that little bit. Because to me it was just the topping of a whole bunch of bullshit as is 2020. This whole shithole of a year began in March. I got promoted at work to salary. That’s 35k a year my friends and that’s a hell of an upgrade for someone who barely makes a living wage right now and came from a working poor family. I really thought my life was gonna turn around. For once my fiance and I wouldn’t have to struggle so hard and we could afford to do everything we talked about doing. Well guess what--2 weeks after the announcement of my promotion my work place shut down because of Covid-19. Nothing new, lots of people and places were shut down. So fine, it pushed back my transfer and such. That wasn’t a big deal. Enter June 2020. We re-open and my manager calls me into his office to talk to him about said mentioned promotion. They are suspending it, means it could be pushed back until we could lift the restrictions. Understandably so, I would just have to keep my old position, an hourly one, until they were called back. Now the months pass, June becomes July and enter August. I find out about a week before the company announces it at the start of August, the position I was promoted to has been eliminated indefinitely. There is a chance they could come back, but right now they have no idea when or if that’ll happen. Which means that whole part of my department no longer exists at my place of work. I mean it’s a good thing I had my hourly position to fall back into or I’d lost my job. But that salary raise? Gone.

Rewind back to July. I get very very VERY sick. And have to test for covid-19 the first time. Only because I am so sick and have a roommate with asthma I have to quarantine myself for 14 days. So 14 days I am locked in my bedroom alone, sleeping alone after 3 years of being with someone in bed. My meals are being left at the door for me and the only room I am allowed to enter is the bathroom, but only after it has been sanitized. Only for my results to come back negative. And now... we enter September 2020. Two major things started in September. The first, our old, senior dog became very ill. Started losing weight, wasn’t eating, losing hair, etc. So we knew his time was coming soon enough. Mid-September, I wake up one morning while our dog is dying mind you, and I cannot move my body from the waist down. Every time I tried, I’m greeted with a shot of pain straight up my spine that feels something like a hot poker being stabbed right through my spinal cord. Very very painful. I end up bed-ridden for a day or two because I cannot move. So once the pain subsides, I go see a chiropractor. Shocking (not really) announcement that my sway back--to which I was diagnosed with 10 years prior from a bad car accident--has gotten worse. What does that mean exactly? Well--my spine bends in like a S for those who don’t know, which means my lower back dips inward deeper inside my body and my tail bone curves out. Now along that dip there are 3 or 4 vertebrae that are especially messed up. The bones have become staggered out of place on top of one another, just from the muscles pulling the bones out of shape since my spine doesn’t flex the way it’s supposed to anymore. (And it hasn’t for years). The pain before this was tolerable, it would ache from time to time but never like this. Now I am crippled more or less. Here’s what that means: my mobility became extremely limited. At first in the am when I woke up I couldn’t move from the waist down for the first hour or two after I woke up. Then when I was finally able to move, I had to use my forearms to literally drag my lower body upright (still painful). Once I was able to manage that, I had to gage how strong my legs were to support my weight. And at first walking wasn’t terrible, but as the treatments began--doctor appointments, spinal adjustments, and physical therapy--to correct my spinal issue, nerve damage became clear. So now on top of this horrible pain, I had to deal with weak legs. Because of nerve damage, my right leg especially became weak. On days my back would hurt especially bad, my right knee would collapse out from under me. Which meant falling to the ground and not being able to stand up or walk for sometime there after. Now imagine dealing with not being able to support your own body, not being able to hardly walk and your dog dying at the same time. So while I”m trying not to focus on the fact that my mobility is limiting me on what I can and can’t do, my fiance is upset about this. Our dog (then weighed about 100 or more pounds) could no longer walk either. His back legs and hips were giving out as his health declined. I did not have the strength in my own legs to help carry him because his weight hurt me too much and would cause me to collapse. I had to watch my fiance struggle with this practically all by herself while I sat on the floor, only able to use my arms to help with what I could because my legs and back were too weak to do the work. This carried on into October. Our dog passes away and that alone is hard for me. I still kind of wonder if I wasn’t so weak when he got sick if I could have helped prolong his life just a little longer. I couldn’t hardly look at him when he passed and I couldn’t look at anyone else. I was very angry that my legs and back had failed me. They had failed everyone. So yes, that weight still lingers over me. It was so bad that when it came time to take turns digging his grave, I struggled with the shovel. Because I couldn’t stand up or be bent over to move the dirt, I got on my hands and knees and I took that shovel in my hands and used my arms and shoulders to dig. I wasn’t going to continue to be useless because of my limited mobility. I felt I already let him down and everyone else by not being able to help take care of him while he was still alive and sick. This was the least I could do. November comes. Things are calm now, for a while. Not bad. I finally get some braces to help with my back issues (which still continue). I keep on with my physical therapy, trying to heal and help my fiance through her mourning over the dog. My mobility slowly begins to improve, though the doctor informs me it will be a very slow process. Small steps he says. But he is still confident he can fix my spine without back surgery so I can walk again, like a regular person. The limit I am able to stand and walk increases with the help of my braces and I begin taking herbal supplements and drinking herbal teas to increase the rate of my recovery. It seems to be working better than over the counter medication. The rest of 2020 seems promising. Here comes December. On the night my fiance and I decide to go out on a date to celebrate our 5 years together. I get a phone call from work. One of my co-workers tested positive for Covid-19 and I was exposed. I am now suspended from work without pay until my test results come back negative. A real mood killer for the night. It gets better, we get home and despite the dinner being pretty somber the rest of the night seems fine. We watch movies and spend time together, finish wrapping gifts for Christmas. Then we realize the cat is missing. He’s been missing all day and all night. Nobody has seen him. Two days prior, I had taken my cat to the vet because he was sick. Again, weight loss, losing hair, etc. I was worried he may be sick. Well it’s cold outside and here it’s been snowing so it’s very cold. I set something of mine outside and a literbox for smell. And then a plate of food. ....that was almost 4 days ago. There’s been not a sign of him. I called the county shelter and they didn’t have him. My fiance suggests he was sick so... maybe he got out of the house and went somewhere to die. My gut tells me he’s not coming back. And my heart is breaking, again. Again. I am wondering if I did something wrong. If I would have kept a better eye on him, I knew he wasn’t feeling right. I somehow feel like I let him down. And then I logged into tumblr and saw those comments. Those asks people were sending about the damn images I posted for the 12 days to Christmas. And they just kept coming. I deleted the other ones, I stopped replying to them and finally just deleted the post. The Christmas spirit had been sucked out of me. I feel as though the world has began to mock me for believing the year could get better back in November. I know one thing, the holiday won’t be as bright this year. Not for me. I hope everyone stays safe and has a good holiday. Maybe 2021 will be more promising, but I”m not banking on it. Not anymore. Thanks for reading. I hope you all understand now why I have been so slow with my replies lately. As my mood goes up and down because I have been struggling with the weight of all this and depression, just trying to hang on from losing hope that for one I will be able to walk again normally and then just the loss of my animals... everything. I can’t write and I refuse to send bad quality responses and starters for you all. I hope this puts some insight on why I was so horribly upset the other day. So thank you to all my friends and everyone who has been so patient with me on all my blogs. Jotaro (dmgdstar) and Johnny (rotatingstar) and this one of course. I will be catching up to everything very soon. I’ve already made a good dent in them. Your patience is always appreciated.

#ooc #L speaks #my 2020 confessional #this is my yearly story #just a fragment of my cursed life

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fashournalist · 4 years

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Thank you, Isentia Content Hub: An open letter to my colleagues.

Eleven days ago, it has exactly been two years since I first started working at Isentia. I remember feeling scared whether I’d belong, and what kind of people I’ll be working with. I remember I kept telling myself “Bawal maattach, Grace, as some alumni have said, when you enter the real world, you’re there to work. Just do your job well and be a team player, but don’t invest your emotions.” But here I am, after two years, with so many beautiful memories with amazing people. I did get attached after all, and it’s worth it. Because I did not only have colleagues, I met a new family.

This was my open letter to Content Hub, which I hesitated to send at first after writing, because it’s too long. But thankfully, two of my teammates encouraged me to send it because they said what matters is I wrote it from my heart and it’s my farewell message to my friends. (I was one of the employees who got laid off.) It was here that I learned tears are really contagious, because after sending this letter, I received texts saying they shed a tear, too. Perhaps that’s because when I wrote it, I was shedding tears myself. Why do I feel like graduating from high school? Haha! I guess this is how close we have been. So here goes my letter, and pictures of some of the memories we have made. :)

Dear Content Hub,

This August 20, it has been exactly two years since I started working at Isentia. And now, 731 days and 41,283 summaries later, I just finished my last working day as a Broadcast Monitor. Permit me to be cheesy, I just want to thank the amazing people who made the past two years a memorable journey. I apologize in advance for the length of this email, but please know this letter came from my heart.

I'm really blessed that I got to work with you. I did not only have colleagues, I had a family. That is why whenever I reached the office, my update to my parents has always been "Happy place". It meant I arrived safely, I'm at OSMA already. And I know there have been hardships, times heartbreaking news crushed me, or times I went home way past my shift. Yet whenever I was on my home, no matter how tired I got, I just looked forward to facing the next day and working again. If world news were a play, we all get front row seats, binge-watching current events for at least 40 hours a week. It genuinely excited me that our job allows us to literally learn something new every day. But, I don't feel that way all the time; sometimes I just have burnouts and frustrations. So I think the real major reason that kept me going through it all is I had colleagues as supportive as you guys are. Allow me to thank you.

To Sydney Swans, my first team.

Working with helpful teammates like you added to my motivation as I traveled from LB to Ortigas every day for five months (when I was not yet able to find an apartment in Manila). Thank you for your devotion to Qld Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk. It showed me what client-obsessed looks like, and I committed to following that example. Your compere inside jokes and reactions to news added a lot of fun to our job. Until now, I enjoy backreading the group chat just to see your new musings or memes. Thanks a lot especially to John, Julianne, Zennon, Marco, and Kuya Ronnie.

To Fremantle Dockers, my afternoon shift team for more than a year,

Thank you for everything; for being supportive colleagues, helping me whenever I struggled, and celebrating with me whenever I improved.

Kuya Coily’s last day at our team.

How we help one another, especially during the Christmas dinner just so everyone can go to Sambokojin on time, inspires me. This was our post-Sambo bonding at Greenfield. I am also relieved that you never judged me as “walang pakisama” even though I only drank iced tea or milkshake haha. Others tend to force me to drink, but my friends at Isentia just let me finish all the food. HAHA. I appreciate people who can respect our preferences and differences. And you are witnesses that I don’t need to drink to be drunk. Based on my energy, I am drunk by default. Haha I will miss all these sessions with you and my batchmates!

I will miss our movie nights and billiard sessions (tho I'm just watching you haha) at the lounge. I wish we played more board games, too.

Isentia Outing 2019

Thank you so much also for being there for me when I lost my mother, you had my back and that will always mean a lot to me. When my Momi was still alive, she always knew I was working with great people. Thank you to every single one of you especially AJ, Morris, Evann, Aly and Kuya Mel.

I look forward to a Dockers reunion when this pandemic is over!

And my favorite teammate, Czesar. The best meetings are the ones you participated in. Thank you for all the laughter you gave us.

I also want to thank my friends outside my team, including Tomie, Zendee, LA and Nico from Collingwood Magpies.

Thank you for the dinner sessions and conversations on life and dreams!

This was LA’s birthday salubong at Kanto Breakfast :) While the next photo is a “panel discussion” at Goto Believe haha! We talked about the news we monitored, and boi, we went home at almost 5am.

Tomie, thank you for our never-ending laughter on our way home. Normally, I just want to be quiet and regain energy while traveling, but with you, it's okay to chat all the way to Quiapo.

To my favourite comperes, who will not read this but I feel like thanking anyway because some of you might share love for them: Marc Fennell, Jan Fran, Kanoa Lloyd, Jules Schiller, Sonya Feldhoff, Anna Vidot, Dave Sutherland, Tamara Oudyn, Sammy J, Paul Barry, Jeremy Corbett, David Speers, Leigh Sales and my inspiration Jesse Mulligan. Thank you because I learned so much about the world and about life from you. I will miss blogging about your stories and reacting to your insights.

To the leaders who managed me and/or accommodated my concerns,

This is my former TL, Kuya Coily :)

TL Coily, TL Angel, TL Rem, TL Nico, TL Nic, TL Jonna, TL Geoff, TL Alni, and Sup Mitch. Thank you for all your help! Thank you for the times you inspired me and my colleagues to grow as well as the times you coached me, gave constructive feedback, and helped me overcome my weaknesses so I can continuously improve.

To our Trainer Rachel, who we can consider as Content Hub's matriarch,

thank you so much because you patiently equipped every single one of us before we transitioned to live operations. To OM Dean, thank you for your feedback and praise during my regularisation.

And most of all, to Western Borlogs fam, my home for two years, I don't even know how to thank you enough.

I'm grateful you've been my batchmates at our training--and for everything after that.

Isentia Outing 2019

Sibyullee, farewell samgyup party for Jai (her last day in the company)

Seoulgyupsal, farewell samgyup party for Aiona (before she flew to Spain to teach)

office memories :)

Pantry catch-ups. I usually eat at my desk because of all the work but I’m grateful for the times I was able to join their dinner breaks hehe.

Sambokojin, Christmas dinner 2019

Dear Borlogs, thank you for all the memories, endless laughter, samgyup sessions (a regular segment haha), Friday nights, and times we comforted each other when some of us are facing a hard time. Thank you also for comforting me and my family when you and B visited the wake of my Momi. She has always heard about you (and I'm happy she met some of you) when she was still alive. Thank you for being such a great sounding board, a safe space where we can be vulnerable and strong at the same time. Also, I've never been a milk tea person until I met you guys, so thanks for that, too. My BM experience would not be the same without you. Naz, Janelle, Joey, Patty, Billie, Lou, Aiona, Jai, Nee, Mau, C, Ady, Sarah. Thank you, sists!!

If you've read until here, thank you for bearing with my lengthy cheesy, farewell note to Content Hub. I attached some photos that captured a few of the memories I spent with you, as well as some jokes I've randomly thought about while monitoring. I was reserving them for Christmas Party or something, but anyway, here they are. I am confident they will make you cringe.

So there, I will miss you and I appreciate you always. I will not forget the memories we've made along the way. Thank you for everything, Isentia Content Hub! God bless you all and stay safe.

Arrivederci :)

Always,

Grace / Mariel

(this was me when I graduated from training and was so excited to be part of Content Hub haha)

PS. Thank you to Janelle, Jai, Joey, Jai, Kuya Coily, LA, Zendee, Dots and Troy for the photos!

PPS. Thank you so much for your heartwarming replies!!! And the food/gifts some of you sent!! I love you guys. (There, I said it. Haha! I was too shy to put that sentence in the email I sent. But this is my blog, I can write what my heart says without holding back)

^letter from AJ with a Bebi plant. She sent me oatmeal cookies and three novels too huehue she knows my weaknesses well haha thankuu ajj

^Matchaaaa from Patty thank you sist! <33

^Carbonaraaaa from Tomiee thank you siz!!!

Thank you to every single one of you. I was emotional when I wrote the open letter, but I got more nostalgic when I read your responses. I will always be thankful for the privilege of working with you and being your friend. Keep in touch, okay? We’ll still meet again. :)

Love,

Grace

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