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#note: i really want to keep writing it
highfiveheroes · 1 month
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i guess the real question with the rat grinders fic is at what point do i give up and finish it. do i wait for the season to be done? do i decide to just fucking wing it and keep writing the rest of junior year and make it up as i go? do i stop at an innocuous place before this last episode? do i try to break everything into chapters so i have more time to stall while i wait to see how the rest of the season plays out? decisions decisions
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raiiny-bay · 3 months
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the kids released a new album
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mishy-mashy · 22 days
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Kudo is actually such a kind, soft-hearted guy that had to toughen up because he cared too much
He looked at AFO's rule, and even though he was weak, he had that glint in his eye that has been referred to as the "will of a hero" to oppose him. A hopeful glint shared with Midoriya, Bakugo, and Hawks
He even parallels Hawks when they talk about that particular look in their eye
From a glimmer in the eye, to which eye is shown, how much of the face, a similar angle of the face, and placement of text questioning the existence of that light,
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He stormed to kill Yoichi with Bruce, but couldn't, once he saw the state Yoichi was in. Even knowing he was the enemy, he still reached out his hand and never let go, even when they were running
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When Yoichi died, even though they'd only been together for two months, Kudo still cried and froze up.
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This is a reaction from a man who repeatedly used lives as a stepping stone for his own goal.
Kudo said himself, that victory was life, and defeat was death. He had killed and seen his friends killed over and over, but still cries when it happens again. And to someone he only knew for two months, at that.
Kudo gathered allies under his cause, and they were loyal enough to die for him. Bruce cries (still smiling tho) facing AFO, tried protecting Kudo when he froze up at Yoichi's death, and we see all Kudo's comrades dead in the end. Maybe Bruce was suicidal when he went to face AFO, knowing he'd die, but most of his comrades (and Kudo) were already gone. Their cause was snuffed out, but the will persisted.
Kudo is a bit like Aizawa.
A bit crass and blunt, doesn't like beating around the bush, but he can clearly see what kind of person you are. He's not openly kind, but you know he cares so much, but has also lost too much once. He's seen his friend(s) die, and shouldn't it have been him in that spot? Shouldn't he have died instead, but was forced to continue living for that dead person's sake?
His speech about why we call Abilities "Quirks", recognizing people's intent over raw power is the real power. (Ch 369)
He's blunt and goes straight to the results rather than beat around the bush, but it doesn't mean his heart is frozen and he doesn't care about you. (Ch 408)
He cares so much, and that's why he has to do so much. (His whole Resistance thing, figuring out how Yoichi's Factor works to make sure Yoichi and his will can live on in some way)
He recognizes that Midoriya isn't driven by duty, but that he genuinely adores Quirks too much. (Ch 414) He could look at Midoriya, read that immediately, and even though he looked through his memories, Midoriya's character was his takeaway. Not that Midoriya is an idiot for letting himself be stepped on, or that this kid was bullied, but that Midoriya could see the goodness in others.
Like how Aizawa saw that Midoriya was relying on the reason [It can't be helped] whenever OFA broke his bones and told him he can't always break himself just because he could be fixed (Midoriya's recklessness that showed itself on the first day of school). He called out something that was an underlying, innate belief to Midoriya, that was so normal to the teen, and no one else had brought up as wrong to him.
The first thing they perceive is a person's character.
When Aizawa tied up Midoriya on the first day of school, he wasn't telling him off over his Quirk destroying him being a PR thing or too gruesome for the public. It was out of the fact that his Quirk shouldn't destroy him, because it's dangerous for Midoriya.
Aizawa came off antagonistic, but he was looking out for Midoriya. He didn't want him to keep breaking his whole arm, he didn't want him to get stuck in the mindset that he had to get hurt to use his Quirk, he was looking out for his wellbeing from the start. A kid he didn't know personally until that day.
Kudo did a similar thing. He turned his back, and refused to help, because they were putting their hopes in a delusional boy who would go too far. When the vestiges realized their gathered Abilities and Quirks were letting Midoriya have the freedom to do as he wished, Kudo already knew, only saying "His path is the right one". He could relate to having to run full-sprint to see your goal realized, even if everything opposed him, but didn't want Midoriya to go through that same path alone.
If he were alone, he'd be like Nagant. He had to have comrades to be like Kudo, able to continue and stand for their beliefs, but having comrades to fall back on, or pull him back when it's too much. That's why he follows up in that moment with, "But, if there's something Midoriya does need..."
Kudo and Aizawa could see themselves or their comrades in others, and knew how to approach those character flaws that were normalized to others and said person.
Kudo could see others for who they were, and I think it's this, and his caring nature, that he gathered so many allies with him. He knew when to be blunt, when to show kindness, that the truth hurts but needs to be seen, was actually very logical and witty, and when to step aside and let people do their thing, even if it wasn't the best move (like saving All Might). Because that was what was best for that person.
It's not like people would join someone so wholeheartedly without conviction and being left unseen by that person. So many people were willing to die with and for Kudo, and Bruce believes in him so much.
When All Might's vestige was fading and becoming more solid, Kudo had to look away. They knew it meant All Might was dying in the real world.
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Kudo was telling Midoriya not to intervene with Gearshift there. But once he saw All Might genuinely dying out, he couldn't look at him, and kept quiet. He stopped hanging onto battlefield logic of necessity, shut up, let Midoriya do his thing, and it saved All Might. It saved Midoriya from seeing his idol die in front of him, and Kudo didn't have to see another ally die beside him.
The chapter is literally called [We Love You All Might!!]. Even if it's just meant to focus in Bakugo and Midoriya, and only has 2 exclamation marks, it can't discount the world is watching. The vestiges care about All Might too.
When the vestiges come up with the plan to forcibly transfer themselves to deal damage, Kudo volunteers himself as the test dummy. Sure, he backs it with a lot of reason too, but he didn't want anyone else to go first as a test drive
He, with a Gearshift Ability that resembled a manual car, was the test drive. Ha ha pun- *gets shot*
En tried going first. Kudo rejected him, saying he would go first.
"Part ways with Gearshift [me], and you'll be free of the crippling recoil too."
Too. TOO.
KUDO JUST WANTED TO GO AND BE DESTROYED FIRST. HE PUT THE FREEDOM OF RECOIL DOWN AS AN EXTRA BONUS SO THEY'D AGREE WITH HIS CHOICE.
I'd cut the image so it looks better, and I can use Bruce's words elsewhere, but this is an image limit, so,
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- Kudo refused to let anyone else go first. This was before giving reasons to convince them he should leave first
- En gives reason to why it can't be Kudo. Kudo just says, "Listen." and reminds them of now.
- Look at Kudo's face when he says that. The guy knows what he's doing when he cuts off En, and would probably be a horrible liar. He might as well be pulling this out of his ass.
He's said "The world will end" "You have to or else" "Five minutes" "You're going to die" a few times in this fight already. DUDE STOPPP
(Terrible liar and a guy who purposely eggs you to torment? What a great friend he would be [yknow, when u make ur friends freak out by being ominous or reminding them of stuff. Like Toast to Lilypichu in a game of Observation Duty])
- "Too."
- Bruce's trust in him, but knowing when to pull Kudo back from going too far
Also, when he's transferred, he smiles to Midoriya. He knows he's about to die again, but the last thing he does for Midoriya is
1) Take away the recoil of his existence as a Factor on the boy
2) Reassure him that it's okay, so it doesn't weigh on his conscience
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Even if only in thought, STILL!
KUDO LOOKED SO PROUD OF MIDORIYA!
I bet Kudo is suuuch a sentimental fool
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> [Be me and watch your new friend die]
> [I have Yoichi's Factor]
> [It's like I carry his will now]
> [Have a glint of opposition in my eye that drives the Demon Lord and my comrades (Bruce) crazy]
> [Hey Bruce, let's figure out how it transfers]
> [Bruce's common sense VS my rabid ideas]
> [I win]
> [Bruce was unwilling the whole time and still ends up with the Factor]
> [The Factor is named One For All, after something in Yoichi's favorite comic book series]
> [We pass it on to the future to carry forward]
> [Even as everyone else and me dies, I make sure Yoichi and his will are safe from his Demon Lord brother that locked him up]
> [Decades later, my sweet vaulted friend reminds me of when we met]
> [I turn around and give my whole-hearted support to believe in some 15-year old boy because Yoichi believes in him too]
SEN - TIM - ENT - AL!
When Shinomori was stolen by AFO, Shinomori pushed everyone away before they could really notice the invader. Kudo called out for him.
Everyone is in shock, but I don't think it's a mistake that the text bubble calling out for Shinomori is pointing from Kudo.
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All For One made it through and is ready to steal them, but the first thing Kudo did was call out for the one at the very front.
[On the post I made that mentions Shinomori pushing everyone away] What if Kudo wasn't pushed away? What if this was him at the front, realizing the danger and turning around, but being unable to do anything for Shinomori when he saw?
Like Bruce, Kudo communicates. He doesn't expect you to just follow or understand him. He actually lays it out and makes sure you keep up.
He explains
- the transfer of vestiges, and why he should go first
- his Quirk
- why Quirks are Quirks
- reports to Midoriya what's happening and what's next
- to Yoichi why they couldn't trust in a delusional boy. In a way that wasn't Bruce's roundabout "we lived in a terrible era and a leader gathered us"
When En panics, he barks at En to keep up. By barking at him, rather than any other way he could've used his tone, it shuts up En in his frantic babbling. Kudo also lets Vestige Might put in his thoughts to understand better, and uses it.
Eye reflection. Kudo can really see people for who they are, and understands others, and himself.
I can't repeat the pics cuz image limit, but look at previous panels here. For example, Kudo saying Yoichi's will lives in him, and when AFO reflected in his eyes
It's something I learned from Re:Zero. When a person in reflected in one's eye, something something that person can see the true core of you, of what you really are underneath everything. The eyes are the window and mirror [glass] of the soul. I finally see the true you.
AFO never reflected anyone.
But Kudo reflected AFO when the man accidentally killed Yoichi. He saw that AFO wasn't seeing anything, so later, Kudo smiled and mocked AFO at his own death.
"Yoichi?"
"He's gone."
"You killed him, Demon Lord."
And AFO hated that reminder.
Kudo was reminding him of what the truth was. Kudo saw it himself, and AFO blocked it out from the get-go. Kudo already knew what AFO was, what he was seeing, what he was doing to himself by blaming Kudo instead of himself.
And then, Kudo's eyes reflected his own hand when he realized Yoichi's Factor was in him.
Kudo clearly saw himself, and in himself, Yoichi. Nothing distorted it. It really was a clear mirror.
He really perceived Yoichi's will was living on, and was right. Otherwise, his eyes wouldn't have shown it.
Kudo was right about AFO. It's even implied back when he and Bruce had their backs turned; Kudo knew what AFO's real goal was. That was back when AFO preached unity and division under him.
Kudo could always see right through AFO. He really understood people from the start. And he never tried making up truths to justify what he was seeing, facing it head-on.
Kudo's lying about the world being black and white.
Kudo and Bruce saw the world as black and white. This was mentioned in the void.
Kudo also says, "Victory meant life. Defeat meant death."
But it's the Resistance. It's when Japan and the world was at their lowest. The world wasn't black and white; there's lots of gray.
Kudo and Bruce would've seen this. Kudo even admits that there's gray, just not directly.
Kudo says Yoichi knows, how he killed and trampled so many lives, to get back at AFO. He knows it wasn't right, or an amazing choice. Later, he says that when your back is against the wall, you have to make callous judgements. These hint at gray moments.
Kudo and Bruce have faced and been in the gray. But it's too hard to make the right choices, and there are times there is no right answer.
Historically, soldiers would convince themselves the enemy were monsters. They wouldn't be able to fight and kill them otherwise. They wouldn't be able to live with themselves without believing in this so badly.
Kudo and Bruce had to have been the same way. They were Meta Humans [Monsters] in a time they were viewed as diseased humans. The monsters were real. And they had a Demon Lord. Kudo and Bruce literally dressed up as soldiers.
Even if they were monsters to society, being Meta, Kudo and Bruce were still human. They knew this. The ones who tried believing in only black and white were inhabitants of the gray itself.
But they have to protect themselves. Kudo is so adamant that the world is only black and white, because he can't stand the gray. What it makes him do, what it means, that he's too weak to do anything.
Yoichi is an example of that gray area. The mortal enemy's younger brother, was actually locked up and sickly. He's just a comic book nerd. And it humanized the other side Kudo opposed so vehemently.
Kudo says victory is life and defeat is death. And Yoichi asked why he reached out to him then. He reminded Kudo of that gray area, and Kudo opened up.
Kudo might avoid the gray area because it's a matter of the heart and a moral dilemma, but it's what makes him human. When there's no right answer in the battlefield, he decides on his feelings instead.
He wishes the world was black and white, because it'd be so easy. But it's not.
Yoichi reminded him of how entering that gray area led to OFA ("when you reached out your hand to me"), and it had been the best choice in the end. The gray area is real, and Kudo's left a bare man with only his emotions when he's there.
Kudo is actually really kind and understanding. He's too soft for his own good. Thanks if you made it this far, I hope it makes sense (tag and image limit)
#KUDO IS UNDERRATED NEEDS MORE CONTENT RECOGNITION HES THE KINDEST WITTLE BOY EVER#my thoughts#i think ppl who write resistance stuff should also consider that not everything was black and white#there will be moral arguments where you cant decide. and the resistance has faced those sorts of things where There Is No Right Answer.#kudo is really kind tho. exactly because he cares so much he does all these things and tries to harden himself#but like exoskeletons work - its only an armor to protect the soft squishy insides and keep them from drying out#i woke up and had to put this stuff down#me: *picks up a sentence note in my fic notes* *puts it down here and elaborates*#the line was in relation to putting down stuff about the vestiges to remember dynamics#[Kudo is the kindest despite appearances]#kudo seems like he would be fiercely protective over ppl he cares about. exactly because hes seen so many of his comrades die over and over#kudo#bnha#mha#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#spoilers#ofa#one for all#bruce#bruce is the meme of “*chuckles* I'm in danger” and its just. Kudo w/ his new crazy idea chasing him down with Gearshift and Yoichis Factor#hikage shinomori#en tayutai#yoichi shigaraki#ive been thinking he was kind for a long time but never elaborated why. if u look at his actions words and thoughts it all makes sense#theres underlying kindness in there. he wants to be kind but the world would scorch him if he didnt have a stick up his ass#also adding on to the prev tag of kudo and fiercely protective- because in their times comrades were everything. otherwise you were alone#the world sucks resources are limited and youre a diseased human [Meta]. but you have someone willing to walk with you.#also about the [Kudo is the kindest] note among the vestiges- i dont think any of the other vestiges would do what kudo did#calmly volunteering himself rather than it being in panic. extending a hand and saving what shouldve been his mortal enemy. yknow
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13eyond13 · 4 months
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love it when a character that's hard to read intuitively for you has like a dedicated fandom interpreter who can just glance at their blank face in a panel and then give you a 3k word essay on their innermost thoughts & desires & fears and neatly tie it back into the themes & whatnot as if it's the most obvious thing in the world
#im talking about griffith btw#guts i feel i get intuitively - maybe because i have some personality traits in common with him#and we get more about his life concretely told to us in canon. so he is a bit easier to pin down as a character and feel attached to for me#but whenever i was reading the manga i just kept wanting more insight about griffith's actions and feelings#like ok yeah its fun to have mysterious antagonists and suspense /tension etc but its also fun to feel like you deeply understand them too#and i felt like that was a bit missing from him for me in canon#so reading about him in analysis and fics is the most fun for me rn#he always felt kinda half unreal to me- which maybe was the point of him - but i wanted a bit more about his childhood or something?#and wished we had more stuff explicitly from his pov in the story to read or explanation about his transformation or wtv#and now he's so much more closed off to me even than he was in the golden age. i keep waiting for him to explain stuff and he does not#ANYWAYS all this rambling to say some people out there are very good at interpreting him and making his like. insecurities#more obvious to me bc i didnt really get that side of him from canon intuitively well#also im really enjoying reading the first few berserk fics ive read#there may not be a ton of them out there but there is def writing talent in the fandom#i'll share some recs once i'm done sifting through most of what's out there to read#also (not to tie everything back to death note but it IS my home fandom after all)#i feel griffith is obvs the more light-like character here and L maybe a bit guts-like? but unlike berserk in death note#light is the one you get to know best and L is the mysterious / unreal one you don't get a lot of concrete insight into#and in the DN fandom I can read the more mysterious character intuitively but had to warm up to the less mysterious one instead#and the mystery of L makes sense to me and doesnt bug me as much due to like - he HAS to hide a lot about himself or else he will die lol#so some similarities there but also some opposite feels as well#berserk spoilers#p
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Note
Geez, imagine harassing someone over not liking a character. I’m sorry you went through that. People gotta learn to conduct themselves better and not bully others over fictional characters
[Referencing this post!]
Aaaah, thank you 💦 It happened a while ago, so I try to not think about that incident too much and just do my usual thing. Don’t want one bad fandom experience killing my excitement for something I love!
I’m glad that I’m able to talk about the characters I dislike here, among other topics of critique. I’d like to think that it’s more constructive rather than blindly hateful, y’know (even though I do sound very frustrated with the character at times)? 😅
Before closing this post off, I’d like to take a moment and thank everyone for being genuinely respectful and willing to engage in a discussion with me throughout the month of May. I saw many people who either felt neutral about Malleus or were huge fans of him giving their thoughts—whether in a comment as a new ask—and it was nice to be able to read different perspectives without experiencing the same demands or harassment I have in the past. This one goes out to you guys 🫶
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oozeandgoo-art · 6 months
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had an odd dream that i was reading a comic book. sketched a couple of the pages i could remember.
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#i might adapt this into an actual story because i am SO SO SO mad that it isn't a thing i can go back to reading#oc#im definitely keeping the concept of save-bot i fucking love save-bot he's just doing his best. i love a robot who wants to help people#im not equipped to be writing about underground rebellions with any sense of real tact though#besides its in a superhero universe/story so you know it would just be so sucks lol#sketch#god the colors were so interesting. the teal parts were all very precisely crosshatched and the fire was this gorgeous brush pen looking#colored inks that just seemed like they were MOVING#and i mean some of that was because i was dreaming but god even in my halfhearted copy you can see some of the movement#it was a bad scene but a really really REALLY fun dream. i love when a book can *get* to me so i was really enjoying it#put it aside so i could take a break and woke up. instant fury at the universe for not having it be a real book instead#ill reblog with details if anyone's curious. i can explain this scene but i dont feel like it#the green people are in a secret basement though. hiding from the government. blue jacket guy is a speedster robot named save-bot who does#rescue stuff with every fire department so fire suppression technology is not very good because save-bot "can just save you''#however they're badly over their legal occupancy and the secret basement has One (1) exit so everyone is like really fucked here.#includinig save-bot who is going to do his job until he dies because he is an ai without any sense of self preservation and he cares#which i didn't even CATCH until i woke up and started tryin to frantically note everything down#and then i was like wait. the glitter on that last page before i realized i needed a glass of water to keep reading... what WAS that...#(it was tears suspended in midair because save-bot goes so fast and also knows he's so fucked LOL)#seriously i'm so mad someone else didn't make this.
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Pac: *gets flustered touching Philza's back and runs*
Phil: is he good?
Mike: he's fucking gay is what he is
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rataltouille · 1 month
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an hour into using obsidian and like what do you mean this was always available and free to use AND NOBODY TOLD ME
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boxwinebaddie · 1 month
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an uncle nina check in <3
hi team! thanks for sticking around! i know my blog isn't always the most exciting and enriching place in the world in terms of content, but i am very /content/ to have you all here. <3333
i promise, oddly enough, i have A TON of inspiration and ideas for all my weird styles ( if you're curious about anything please lmk! i've been trying to flesh out my aus out lately ), i've just been in a major bummer depression era lately, so it's hard for me to get my asks done and i'm having a hard time committing to finishing my writing. :<
i think it's because of stress and my bipolar, but i am trying to get back on the horse! ( are we all laughing at the idea of me trying to get on a horse? i'd start crying help city girl fail moment for me ) yeehaw!
and while, unfortunately due to the instability ( fabulous legendary iconery ) of my pretty girl popstar personality, i do not know whether i will be answering almost no questions or one million, regardless of that, i just wanted to let you know, i'm still here, still kicking my feet, twirling my hair, cooking...i'm just really trying not to force myself to put out anything i don't like...and only do what makes me truly happy.
however, nothing, my dear sweet e-darlings...
makes me happier than coming home to all of you. <333
so thank you for flooding even the darkest corners of my life with bright light, supporting my phantom fics and being wonderful,
uncle nina xx
#nina speaks#hi my loves#idk what the point of this was#i just know my blog is really inconsistent and i know i dont really post anything or anything that useful#but i wanted you to know that i love you very much and i still care a lot about all of you and all my content actually#which i have been fleshing out in notebooks and google docs i've been doing lots of world building and character study#so feel free to ask me something challenging about any part of my nina sp auniverse that interests u itll make my brain work#i've also been taking very silly but dilligent notes abt what ravesey style looks like for ter so if u want to laff at those u can#i just love taking notes on detail and understanding exactly what characters look like or what settings appear like idk#might be some experimental writing on here i like doing different mediums like i was being silly#and started writing a netflix trailer for rm haha i also have been doing weird personality tests and questionnaires#i've been trying to think very deeply about tkak and my tfbw styles if u have any questions there and am deep plotting rm#trying to be impactful while also keeping things fun and learning to enjoy myself again i suppose#so again thakn u for being here sorry its weird on here but thank u for supporting me as i learn and grow my sunshines#also ik i have a ton of asks and uve already asked me so many things so never feel inclined to message me#but i love hearing what ur curious about hopefully i can answer some stuff eventually but again im on a break#i'm here but i'm not this is a safe place we try and fail we have fun and promote style world domination thru my weird styles#ilysm i'm shutting up now i promise i'm still here i'm just trying to be healthy and happy esp rn when i am not emotionally well#gotta protect my peace and my vibe palace but im still here!#MWAH MWAH MWAAAAAH#really trying to heal my inner child or like the girl in me that liked to write silly stories and create crazy things#weird hcs big dramatic plots silly stuff...i want to honor that girl because she was happy and free and had fun#and i want to do that again so lets have fun guys#no judgement no seriousness just good vibes and good reads#welcome to the uncle nina learns to laugh again arc#i hope you enjoy it
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zozo-01 · 1 year
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"this chain will never end (but i'll fucking try)."
Well... umm... this one's a lot. A bit of a vent piece and I won't lie and say I didn't tear up at some parts. But what better way to cope than me writing? So here we are.
[Shoutout to @taelonsamada and @dominimoonbeam for being scared when I said I thought of some HuxDami angst that made me cry. I promise this one's got a bit more comfort than the IRL version of this story.]
CW: Dealing with an unaccepting parent of the LGBTQ+ child, Damien displaying signs of disordered eating, Sophia is implied to be an immigrant (which makes Dames a second gen immigrant), Both are implied to be POC but can be interpreted otherwise, Zozo dumping onto Damien
click here for the AO3 link!!!
--
For a man as disciplined and structured as Damien, there were only a few rules that he keeps near and dear to his heart. Your best is never enough, you can always do better. Even at your worst moments, you must find a way through. Failure is never an option.
(It’s funny, Damien realizes. Any time he would repeat the rules in his head, it was never his voice, but his mother’s. He doesn’t remember when she embedded those ideas into him, or maybe he inherited through her blood.)
His favourite rule, and the one he finds himself going back to the most is ‘out of sight, out of mind’. He often finds himself caught up in the minute details, so it’s imperative for him to remember that if it’s not in his immediate vicinity, he shouldn’t worry much about it. Besides, he likes the line itself.  It’s catchy, it’s simple and can be applied to many situations. And Damien does love it when things are efficient and effective. 
It can be applied to that time he had gotten a subpar grade on an exam. It had been crushing. He spent hours and blood and tears to study, only to fail in the end. His heart had turned into a void, mind leaving his body. Had he eaten anything the night before, it would have been on the floor in front of him. Was this a violent reaction to something as trivial as a bad grade? Maybe. But Damien would not- could not accept failure. So when he fails, his body would rather twist itself inside out than to accept that reality. 
(His mother’s reaction was particularly crushing. She wasn’t mad, just disappointed, and that might have been even worse than any verbal abuse he’s suffered at her hand.) 
Instead of wallowing in his own failures, he swallowed his pain and worked harder. He burned the exam paper, deleted the email. Anything that reminded him of that shitty mark, he destroyed. Now that the monster was gone, he can now focus on the next exam. If his nose wasn’t in a book, frantically scribbling down all the information he needed to absorb, then he was in the field, applying his knowledge to his magic. Making it brighter, hotter, better. 
Even on the days he was grasping on straws, where his fire couldn’t even spark embers, he found something, anything, to keep going. And on days when his setbacks creep back to haunt him, he finds a way to keep it off his mind.
(His mother’s words were a good motivator and reminder. “You are my son, Damien. You do not fail. Do better next time.” Because there was always a next time. There had to be.)
When the second round of grades came around, and the professor congratulated Damien for his improvement, he simply scoffed. “This is nothing to congratulate me for, Professor. This is the bare minimum I expect of myself.” This was his normal, it had to be.
It didn’t matter that Huxley had found Damien passed out on the training fields on more than one occasion. Or that Lasko thought that he was a zombie when the young fire elemental walked into his class. Or that the only reason he ate during those few weeks was because Gavin and Freelancer would force food and water down his throat.
Nothing mattered except his perfection, and forgetting about his own pain had helped with that.
(His mother was satisfied with his academic excellence after his lack of success. Not happy or proud or impressed, just… satisfied. “This is what I expect from you, Damien. Maintain this level from here on out.” From just that, it sounds like Sophia is a horrible woman, not even acknowledging her son’s triumph through pain, but Damien swears that if you heard her say it, you can hear a flicker of pride in her voice. He’ll never know, but the chance that his mother was happy with him is enough to keep pushing on. His mom is not a bad person.)
(She was happy with her son, but she will never tell him.)
His favourite rule had also helped when it came to his mother’s political career. 
As within most families, Damien and Sophia had their ideological differences. Damien had always been a little radical when it came to the discrimination within the empowered world. On the other hand, Sophia thoroughly believed that if she plays by the rules of the systems in place, she’ll be able to do more good than harm. They both had the good of the public in mind, but their methods of achieving their shared dream couldn’t be any more different. 
When it comes to people with such different perspectives, there should have been arguments, maybe some screaming if one or both sides couldn’t convey their points properly. But that never happened in their household. There were tense dinners and words that wanted to be said, only for silence to follow.
For as long as he can remember, Damien and his mother never really talked about disagreements. It had always been Sophia telling Damien something, an order, a fact, a plan or whatever, with such sureness that Damien thought she took her own word for Gospel. Whether he vehemently disagreed with what she said, wanting to pick apart her arguments to prove that she’s wrong, it didn’t matter. Damien would bite his lip and hold his tongue. He nodded in agreement with what his mother said, because he’d rather burn himself alive with his own fire than feel the wrath of his mother’s flames. (And nothing pained him more than the burn of Sophia’s disapproval.) 
That’s where ‘out of sight, out of mind’ had also kicked in. He would bury his mother’s beliefs so deep within his brain, that he would forget they ever existed. Part of it so that he can pretend to be the perfect son that she wanted. (Though Damien doesn’t ever know if he’ll be that. He’s long accepted that he wouldn’t be what she wants.) The other part was to remind himself that while maybe his mother's truths were outdated, they didn’t make her a bad person. That was what she was raised with. (Was beat with.) 
His mom wasn’t a bad person. (Accepting that meant accepting his own pain, something he kept far into the rearview mirror.)
But she made it hard for him to forget that.
“Oh, I don’t mind them, I know many people who belong to that community. I just wish they stopped shoving it down our faces. Don’t you agree, Damien?”
He smiled, a forced, pained smile, but one that was enough to placate his mother. Against his own will, Damien nodded to his mother’s words, not wanting to create a scene in the middle of the ballroom. He couldn’t bring himself to say it, to verbally agree with her. Especially with his own growing feelings.
Shortly after the Inversion (or it may have been the catalyst), Damien had fostered feelings for his best friend. The kind earth elemental that has been nothing caring towards him, even when he didn’t deserve it. At night, he fantasizes about the places he’d take him out to. Or the activities Huxley would have planned for him. Or the feeling of his arms around him, holding him close to his chest. Or the way Huxley’s hands would trail over his body, slipping under his pants to grab his-
He shook his head. He didn’t need to think about Huxley’s hands jerking him off. Though that would be better than being in this stuffy gala with these stuffy clothes.
 (Now that he thinks about it, he wonders how good Huxley would look in a suit and tie… Did it get hotter in here or was it just him?)
There had been days where his love for the man would burst out of his chest, threatening to burn himself alive the same way his flames incinerated anything in its path. And in those moments, Damien wondered if he could go to his mother to talk about it. Maybe she can offer some perspective? Maybe comfort that Damien would make it out of this crush alive, whether that be with or without Huxley.
That comment from Sophia had reminded him why he would never do that. 
Just like he destroyed any remnants of failure so that he wouldn't agonize over it, his mother’s view over those who loved differently firmly fell into that category as well. He tried, really he does, to not think about the snide comments and disproving gaze whenever a rainbow flag had come into view. But Sophia loved to remind him (albeit without meaning too) about her very wrong opinions about the community.
Did she know that everything that she said, that she felt, would also apply to him?
If she knew that Damien was one of the “heathens” that she often finds herself mocking in private, would it change her mind? Would she let go of all of her prejudices that she held so deeply? Accept her son and Huxley for who they were and support them no matter what? 
When he wasn’t confronted head on with Sophia disdain, he can pretend that he’d have the perfect coming out story. He would sit her down at the dinner table, with a home cooked meal that he put his soul into. He was thinking it would be a dish from his mother’s home country. His palms would be sweating and posture tense. He’d be nervous, obviously. He didn’t know what his mother’s reaction would be to his greatest secret. Disgust? Joy? Indifference? He didn’t know and that terrified him.
His mother would ask him if anything happened at school, since that’s the only topic that she could think of that may bring this amount of strife to her son. She’d question if it had been a student or a professor messing with him, offering to use her position as a magistrate to ‘deal’ with the issue.
(Ain’t it funny how a mother will walk through hell for her son without a second thought, but accepting him for who he loves is what she finds difficult?) 
Damien would decline, both the inquisition and the offer. No one was bothering, nor was there any reason for his mother to use her power like that.
Sophia with a puzzled face, would ask what was wrong. It would cause Damien to take a deep breath, opening his mouth and revealing the secret he buried in his soul. 
And she would smile and give him a hug. Because she was his mother and would love him no matter what, accepting him with open arms.
“Son, you never have to hide this part of yourself. I will love you and your partner no matter who they are.”
That was the unconditional love of a mother that he was raised seeing on TV, and even if his mother wasn’t as loving, she would still welcome him into her heart, right?
But deep down, despite the numerous leaps in logic that he took and the truth he buried deep within him, Damien knew what her reaction would be. Why confess a secret if it puts your life in danger? Why confess a secret, only to be met with hatred, or worse, disappointment?
Damien’s heart dropped, the familiar pit returning at the same realization that he made when he was a child. That there would never be a scenario or a universe where Sophia won’t loathe him for being different. It’s a freight train he tries to forget that exists, but forgetting could never truly get rid of it. 
He shook himself out of his thoughts, and with a closed lipped smile, he asked his mother to leave for a breath of fresh air. She allowed it, and Damien sped out of the stuffy room, away from his mother’s intolerance looming over him.
Thankfully, he was far enough away from the main room for his tears to not embarrass himself nor taint his mother’s reputation. Even during moments of weakness, he had his mother’s image to maintain.
His rage flowed through as quickly as the tears dripping from his green eyes. Why on earth, after coming to terms with this sad fact years ago, did it douse his fire when he heard Sophia’s disapproval? Why couldn’t he let go of the childish notion that mother’s love is unconditional because it clearly isn’t? Why couldn’t his mom just love him like she promised to?
He’s had years to come to terms with this.
But it hurts. It fucking hurts and he wants to be held and told that he’s not broken or disgusting for loving who he loves and just feel the warmth of his mother’s hug and-
A ring from his phone brought him back from his spiral, and he looked to see that it was a phone call from Huxley. He answered once he cleared his throat, not wanting to worry his friend with his nonsensical crying.
“Hello?”
“Hey dude! Are you still at your mom’s work gala?”
He winced at the mention of his mother, thankful that the earth elemental couldn’t see his physical reactions. “Yea, but it’s almost over.”
“Awesome! Also, Gavin wanted to ask if you’re still down to go to that drag show this Friday?”
Gavin and his partner invited the rest of them to a drag show done by an old friend of his. Damien accepted of course, wanting to have a good time yes, but also because he’s never been to one. Rarely did Damien feel like he belonged in the room, even within his own family, but perhaps he could at the show, surrounded by friends. 
“Of course I’ll be there.” Damien saw the message from his mom, telling him that they’ll be heading back to their place now. “I got to go, but I’ll talk later.”
“Alright dude, see you soon!”
He said his goodbyes and walked back to the main room, trying to calm his beating heart before Sophia asked what had happened. But at least the dread that filled his body was replaced with excitement and joy.
Maybe, just maybe, Damien will find acceptance, a home, with the new friends he called family.
(Sophia saw her son walking back inside, smiling with a pep in his step. It was an unfamiliar motion from him and she wanted to know what had happened. She kept that question to herself though, knowing that he wouldn’t get an answer. When did the distance between her and Damien get so far that he doesn’t go to her anymore? Where had the days gone when he would tell her everything?)
(Had she done something to make Damien feel unsafe to go to her?)
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toytulini · 3 months
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god I know this is like The Wrong Stance on AI. I know its not about whether the art is Real and Human or If It Has A Soul and how a lot of the arguments against it are the same bullshit arguments people made against digital art like I Know. I Knowwww. but god, I'm really sorry, not to post like one of those annoying poetry bloggers I cant stand (yall are valid, live your truth, theres nothing wrong with what you post I'm just a petty bitch who hates poetry. unless I dont hate it.)
But theres just something about the way AI art will almost certainly never be able to mimic the exact way my pencil leaves an indentation in the paper, the way some of the lines I can never fully erase cause I pressed too hard, theyll have to at least train them to draw with a physical pencil first, and sure, they could train it to draw with a pencil and even erase the exact same piece I drew, line for line, on a piece of paper with a robot arm powered by AI, but they can't replicate. idk. the lineage of lefty bitches in my family, and the way I grew up going through school with my entire left arm silver with graphite, from doodling on my schoolwork. not yet anyway. but I guess I do live for the day we make the ai sentient enough that we can traumatize it by giving it homework after kneecapping its executive functions so it copes by drawing a big tiddy lobster monster. sure
#toy txt post#reblogs OFF i dont trust yall to be normal with this one i do NOT want it getting notes#i posted part of this before in a chat to a friend but im feeling it again. so#i havent drawn my big tiddy lobster bitch in awhile i should draw her again#also yea SORRY im sure this is The Wrong Feeling To Have About AI but also sometimes im a little grateful that i dont think my style is#smth a lot of the ppl coding ai to make art find to be worth trying to replicate except maybe as like a fake progress shot on a piece#which is smth i used to be really insecure about. how unfinished all my art looks bc it isnt to the point i cant fucking watch#like speedpaints and shit bc i just start feeling stupidly insecure about all the points in the video where I Would Have Stopped and been#like. im not touching it anymore i dont want to ruin it#and ive been insecure about my inability to really do digital art with like a stylus and shit like the way i do it with a pencil#and i know that is just me needing to Practice it but being too frustrated by it#anyway i know its just a Tool and its Fine and the problem is the art theft and the labor problems of it but liiiiiiike#i just.#im sure there will be unique things and usages of ai as a tool and i genuinely hope that ppl can figure out a way to make one that isnr#isnt* just full of stolen content bc theres unique fuckin shit about like digital art programs u can write stupid poetry that you hate#about it. or stupid poetry that i hate. cos im the poetry hater. listen. i cant stress this enough: its fine. youre fine. keep posting your#poetry and reblogging shit that speaks to you. im just a Bitch okay Ignore Me#i should go draw bokrae like. eating a computer about this#the real reason for that graphics card shortage was bokrae ate them all when she was in the mood for a crunchy snack
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skitskatdacat63 · 3 months
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Traje de luces are seriously peak design, they will literally never get old for me. Every once in a while I'll go on a hunt for more matador pics, and I feel like my art isn't even brushing the surface. Just the amount of poses, colors, situations I could draw is so endless WAUGH
Sometimes they're truly the only thing I want to draw :,) I want to live in a parallel universe where all our f1 boys are bullfighters instead
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sutimetravelau · 7 months
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So, about Strawberry...
so i've been working on writing again, and im starting to get in my head about strawberry. Im just gonna throw this out there: i really do not want to offend anyone or play into any stereotypes, so should i keep strawberry nonverbal/mute? (im also finding conflicting opinions on if the term "mute" is offensive or not)
ive been doing a lot of research, and im coming across resources that make me think i should not keep this aspect of his character because i dont believe i would be able to portray it correctly/the reasoning is not good.
Strawberry is nonverbal because of his PTSD. I do not remember how his character developed into having this trait, but regardless I want his character to represent/show that Steven is affected by what's happening around him and the affects can be permanent. Since Steven usually just heals his bones the minute they're broken, and always pushes down his feelings, having a physical sign that he's affected by what's happening around him is the goal. (all Stevens have purposes and what they represent in the story- not just SB) It's not meant to be a bad thing, but the more I think about it, the more it seems that way. I do not want his nonverbalness to be seen as a warning, something bad that happened to him that should be avoided, etc. Especially since he's the only nonverbal character. But the more I look at it, the more it seems to shape up that way and that I should not keep this aspect of his character.
considering this, i've been thinking of alternatives:
He shows a physical sign of trauma in a separate way- much like Volleyball in SUF. Something shown on his form, in his gem, etc. It's separate from depictions of real people as it's more of a gem thing/fantasy thing.
He has a permanent physical injury, such as a limp leg/broken leg/arm/bodily injury etc. However, this has the same issue as above of being seen as 'this is proof bad things can happen = his disability is something bad'. So i'm really not confident on this one.
The permanence is shown more in behavior, like being avoidant of missions and such- but he still goes nonverbal after a flashback/being triggered. However, that's most likely going to be rare. In addition he is not nonverbal, but is just generally more quiet and soft spoken.
I'm hesitant to remove this aspect of his character because I don't want to just "give up" and make him verbal, etc. that seems wrong. However, this is why im throwing this question out: what do you all think? I'm not sure how many nonverbal people/friends of nonverbal people follow me, but I'd love to have some second opinions on this before I make any big changes to Strawberry's character.
only replies are enabled, please send me an ask or reply if you have feedback. thank you!
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pyrriax · 4 months
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hi tumblr im pyrr pyrriax and im in my trimonthly artist arc, lord help me and all the projects that are currently sitting in my drafts while i am lured in by the siren song of drawing
#haunted ecosystem#this is not helping with how much my hands hurt on a daily basis this is why i type and dont handwrite/draw very much.#im lured in regardless and i really need to find an artform that doesnt Hurt but for now. digital art <3#like theres a difference between my dumb doodles (quick easy not much different from regular computer usage) and actual art#but im an artist at heart i spent sooooo long being an artist and thinking i was shit at writing. that is wrong! im actually kinda good#im rambling in tags today because i have been not social (my partner is in genshin hell and my beloved is. somewhere.)#okay but on another note i reread the first. couple chapters of wtds this morning? the pacing is a little weird and the tense is fucked#but its actually a lot better than i thought it was? you can tell i was fleshing everybody out in my head and i totally forgot about how#i described the watcher [who i am STILL redacting the name of until we get there] and just. ough. pandora being very logical#and then jumping to the latest chapter and fucking sobbing because i forgot about how it went and just. pandora and his.#whatever the fuck is wrong with him.#i have gotta start recommending people read that again. its surprisingly friendly without context because of how i approached it#that fic has taught me so many things its actually a little comical. it also made me relearn how to make and write ocs so thats fun#once i finish that main fic (and i WILL i am actually planning to sign up for a thing. im finishing it i swear.) i finally get to show off#more of the world and characters ive crafted. showing backstories and what-ifs and all these oneshots ive been keeping close to my chest#for like absolutely ages because i dont want any spoilers on my tumblr#and. im finishing that fic in pseudo-memoriam of somebody who deleted their accounts everywhere. still miss you dane!#ok this has completely gone off topic ily tumblr im going back to drawing and i might make a new pfp#it'll still be lavius but it'll be fray lavius since i think about him a lot and i like his color palette.
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deityofhearts · 5 months
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I collect a lot of stationary for someone who has no reason to use all this stationary
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what was the usage for 'death note' back in the 1800s i need to know
#death note#i will be doing more research on this when i'm not trying to get stuff done i just keep getting distracted#well at first i had the thought to check the correlation between the use of the word 'narcissism' and variations to check if it was used#more significantly and negatively post-addition-to-the-dsm or if the dsm (and fucking freud) chose a bad word that stigmatized it further#i wanted to know if the word had a negative connotation before or if the disorder made the word have the connotation it has now#same w psychopath/psychopathy. i was curious#anyways that had nothing to do w my work and i got even more off track bc of death note#i simply must find the reason 'death note' was used back then i'm v curious but alas i am about to fall behind on schoolwork#and like. Ngram measures books/lit so this is in writing somewhere with the exact phrase a significant amount#side note: i have case-insensitive turned off because it combines them and i want to be able to separate Death Note the series from whateve#death note means in past cases#and i have filtered out any cases i see as irrelevant (i.e. DEATH note Death note death NOTE <-real things that showed up)#also i find the resurgence of the phrase 'Death Note' in distinct periods to be interesting#DEATH NOTE was only used really during the manga/show's initial release#anyway i will be back to this at some point when i can do more research (this weekend?)#also i will answer the ship asks later bc i need to put some Thought into my answers. feel free to send as many as u want btw
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