#nothing bad happened and its not really weird or bad emotionally or mentally or whatever

[dreamingdarklyblog]

Probably not hot

So something I've mentioned, but not really gone into any detail on, was my writing partner trying to "clear my head" so we could renegotiate how things were going to work going forward.

I was pretty nervous about this for a few reasons. Big among them was that past attempts at things like this haven't gone terribly well. See there's whatever things he's been playing with, conditioning, suggestions, whatever you want to call it. And things from a long time ago...

When we're talking about the current stuff, I didn't imaging any major issues. Sure there would be some kind of adjustment, and a lot of "processing" as I tried to reconcile my memories of what happened with other input. But I expected we would be able to "clean up" reasonably well.

It's the older stuff that gives me pause. I don't mean I expect to wake up and panic about "Oh my god, what have I been doing for years?!". That's just silly. But... Years back me and my hypnotist at the time spent like, a ridiculous amount of effort on conditioning. And some things really never went away. Some did, some faded a lot, and some faded a little, but there's a lot still there. Enough that after so long it becomes difficult for me to imagine what's "under" there, as it were.

I don't mean anything super concerning like, I don't know, false memories, or anything. But went spent a long time on things like say, making it easier for me to drop. Conditioning certain responses. My uh.. Fixation on certain things. And I was somewhat worried that if he did manage to remove those, or bury them, or whatever, I might suddenly struggle to drop. Like a muscle that I haven't used in years or something.

As it turned out that was somewhat true? But I think it was more than my anxieties were getting in the way. We worked at it and eventually managed to get past the problem.

It was weird... Really weird. I think in the end he ended up "covering up" much of the old stuff rather than trying to remove it. So it was strange and difficult to process pretty much... everything? I think I talked about it before, how newer suggestions I imagine like some kind of assembly line, or flow chart? So this was dealing with older suggestions, things that are so worn in that they feel pretty natural. But at the last stage of the flow chart was an extra step saying "ignore all that". Which ends up being like a new suggestion all on it's own. Or it felt like it. So despite my head being "clear" it more felt like I had a lot of suggestions going on. Like a heavy processing load. To accomplish... Nothing. Like a bad process spinning its wheels and eating resources for no reason. It was pretty exhausting.

And I would slip up... Things would poke through. I'd have strange reactions I didn't expect, then sort of look at them detached like, "why did I do that?". Some of those were newer suggestions, some were old. But I would be talking about something serious and then find my hand in my lap, and not be able to figure out what it was doing there. Then lots of fragments would rush back. Each half memory tied to another half memory, filling in gaps. Remembering bits of conversations, of trances...

It was all in all a pretty emotionally/mentally draining experience. But we got through it. There were a few issues. Mostly in our different ways of thinking about things. Like a semantic argument but for thoughts? Not sure what to call that.

Anyway. We eventually finished with that. Pulled the blanket back off. And he started working on renewing what things he wanted to. I admit at times I'm still a little confused. I'm still remembering bits that I couldn't before, and at times it's like my brain, with it's rather shitty memory, can't decide if something is still active or not. Like I'm in a quantum state of versions of thoughts. Am I thinking/feeling this version? Or this version? Or both at once?

So yeah it can be a bit confusing if I stop to try to think about it.

[melaroon]

july 4th, 1:41pm (tw)

just woke up a little bit ago, last night was really bad for me. i restricted and did good on everything i ate up until after eating it all, i ate the rest of our snickers ice cream. haha. well, maybe like 2/3 of it because for the first time... i felt full enough not to finish something? especially ICE CREAM? when i binge, i never get a full feeling and even if i do im able to push past it (which ends just as bad but still)

very strange feeling but im glad maybe its my self control peeking through?

i tried to purge at least the ice cream, but for some reason it felt so incredibly hard to- like trying to throw up bread. i even tasted the peanut in it, so it had to have been the ice cream. i felt really gross going to bed with a full stomach like that and disappointed i couldn't get it out of me. my throat hurts anyways and i think i scratched myself really bad because i have a weird cough but whatever

i sat in the bathroom for a really long time, looking at what i have become. my collar bones looked nice, my arms looked thinned out (not quite there yet though, just compared to before), but god my face. i looked miserable and ugly and disgusting. i cried for two hours in the bathroom and ended up relapsing. its been a few months since ive been clean and just the other day my boyfriend even said hes glad i havent done it in so long and that he doesnt like/want to see me hurting myself. i always say sorry when this happens, but im really not. im not really doing it on purpose or spite either, i think at this point self harm is just always going to sneak its way into happening. i cried about me and my moms relationship, or the lack of it. it really hurts, i think the number one mental pain (?) of my life is the fact that i feel nothing towards my parents and they have never been there for me emotionally. it was one thing to not have a dad, but for my mom to be here but not? i just couldnt hold it in anymore.

i really, truly want to be sick. i want to get more and more ill and frail and sick. all my life she has made me feel like my problems aren't mine, aren't real, or impossible to have something wrong with me. maybe when she sees me, weak and thin and even more miserable, then she'll realize what she's done to me.

[keefwho]

January 15 - 2023

9:51 AM

Today I’ll probably touch up on my ACT book again and try to focus on my sense of self. Its bad, I really do feel like a character lately. I don’t know how to explain it. I just feel out of touch with who I really am and out of touch with others. I’m in a kind of feedback loop in my head and I need to break out. This feels like a complex problem though. I’m having trouble identifying what it is that is actually wrong. It might be multiple problems that need their own attention. My plan today was to actually do some things alone and try to clear my head. When I’m alone I’m almost always thinking about my friends and the next time we’re going to hang out. I want to stop that and be my own person more. That’ll also give me more to talk about. 

On a different note, lately I only feel like getting off with others in ERP or something. I thought this desire would go away but it’s been awhile and I still feel like this. It’s a problem because I actually feel down bad but I dont’ want to. I don’t know why jerking off normally isn’t satisfying me. I’ve been trying to ignore it overall but it’s kind of hard. Its like my body is crying out for some good release and I can’t ignore it. I feel weird that this is happening because I don’t want to come off as a coomer or whatever. Maybe I crave a little intimacy. I don’t just wanna nut, I wanna get vulnerable with someone. Whether that be sort of romantic or absolutely degenerate, either is fine. It’s been awhile since I’ve been humiliated but I don’t even know how to go about proposing that to someone. I know a lot of furries in VRchat are down to do anything with pretty much anyone but I feel like I need to be friends with someone before we do stuff together. Even then it does not feel right to just ask about it. Usually it happens naturally on a drinking night or something. Its all so complicated. 

2:40 PM

I’ve been putting off my alone time. I admit I’m a little bit scared. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m afraid I won’t like what I find. I’ll probably be okay but still. My plan is to do my yoga in VR like usual but then just chill in the world for maybe 20 or 30 minutes with nothing but myself and the ambience. I figure it will be good thinking time. It has been in the past. 

4:55 PM

It was scary being alone with my thoughts. I didn’t think much of anything, I didn’t feel much. I’m concerned I was feeling so little. I was content at least. Maybe today isn’t a good day for it. I had a bit of a meltdown last night so I might be emotionally tired. When I woke up I slept in for about 30 minutes which had the effect of a nap and threw off my sense of everything right off the bat. I think today I’m completely mentally exhausted. 

8:03 PM

I have no reason to feel happy or confident right now. 

[sar96]

The reason why stop talking to my dad is my only concern because he put me through some shit to deal with...the moment i realize he just acts on his own point of view, is when i get to know i should probably stop talking to him rather than showing his words and actions hurt me.

I only talk to my brother when it’s necessary just because i know how he does things in a so inappropriate manner when someone's contradiction happens to him. So i know there's no point for me to make him understand that you really have to listen before you act. And i choose to keep myself stop to the point since then.

I only talk to my mom every now and then because even though we had our arguments even though we get mad on each other sometimes even though she talks ill about me. She's the only safest person to me. I know that she won't make me feel like an asshole when she knows I'm going through struggle. That only person i can rely on is her.

After being ended with my bad marriage scenario there was nobody beside me except my family (mom dad and my brother) they stood by me like a shade of tree but then sometimes when any arguments hit upon them or me... They started to blame me for that divorce thing..at some point they do say others or agree that i was mentally physically emotionally abused by my ex partner, but for certain time when they feel their opinion contradicts with mine they started to put disobedient tag on me. Eventhough it’s just a normal argument about putting shoes on the reck (just an example). I mean this much little occurrences can be related to me being put an end on my marriage.

I stopped giving explanation to the people who talks behind my back the worst way possible. Which lead me to have much truma since my divorce. I am still struggling to get over from my divorce but nobodys gonna get it until they go through the same page.

I scored so brilliant result on my bachelors the i got listed for deans honor award. I used to be so ambitious towards my future. But that 1year just took all my hopes with it. I used to love that guy so much that i didn’t realize i was abused i took things as a normal couple thing which was my biggest mistake.

Now when i look back to my past i feel grateful that it was over as well as i feel traumatized that i had go through so much that i didn’t deserve.

Everyone around me gone too far with their life that i feel like I'm the only one left behind. Is it a curse or blessing? Don't know whatever it is.. It doesn’t help me anyway.

People tell me i should be grateful that got out from a person who could possibly kill me if it stays any longer.

I am grateful for being alive. But other than that there's nothing i have to be grateful for. What should i be grateful for? Being jobless? Being divorced? Being hopeless? Or being unhappy, mentally stressed woman? Who gets her breakdown every now and then.. I can't react to people when they utter anything wrong instead i cry.. People say crying is a sense of weakness and i don't feel ashamed to be weak because i know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Even technically its hard for me.

I am still unsure where is my direction. I wanted to be happily married, corporate independent woman who dream to have taste of being a mother.

But my life turned out completely opposite.

I just Don't know how to start because everytime i start i fail..then i start again then fail again. Sometimes i feel this much depressed that being alive doesn’t make any sense to me.

But i still choose to alive because i know killing ownself is a sin in my religion. And I respect my Almighty.

To be very honest i choose silence over voice because i know i can't be heard to my surroundings. Isn't that weird? I always imagined to be the voice of truth and knowledge. But now I'm muted.

Life is unfair for some people like us. Even though it’s sounds like a high school girl but i say it is what it is..unfiltered.. But i guess we still choose to live or survive.

[bbeelzemon]

today has been kinda weird... i think tomorrow im gonna start work on This Month's Big Art Project

[neiptune]

worst boyfriend ever

pairing: tengen x female reader

wc: 1k

note: a lil something cause it's @milkyybuns birthday, i hope all you tengen lovers out there enjoy 🤍

Your birthday is not a big deal and you don't really care for gifts, that's what you always tell people anyway. It's not like you expect big gestures from anyone, especially from him. No red roses, expensive lingerie and definitely not that specific necklace he just knows very well you've been wanting for the longest time.

Honestly, you can deal with no gifts. You can deal with no birthday wishes. But not even a call? Not a text? Not even answering or returning your call? Come on.

It's the weekend, he's not at work, his family is out of town, so he has exactly zero excuses. Unless, well, he forgot. Which is fair, it can happen, well it never happened to you because you treasured and valued every bit of information you had about his life, but it's fair. Just where the hell did he disappear all day long? That's what you wondered while out with your friends for some late afternoon drinks, the screen of your phone filled with notifications and wishes you didn't really care about at that point.

It was almost dinner time when you got home, so emotionally exhausted you didn't really have the energy to do nothing else than take a bath and order a pizza. Well, maybe a pizza and a cheesecake, god damn it.

The sudden crash of something from your kitchen nearly gave you a heart attack as you were taking off your shoes in the doorway.

A burglar? On your fucking birthday? The one day your boyfriend decided to disappear into a black hole? Really?

"Get the fuck out, I'm this close to a mental breakdown and you don't want me calling the police in this state, asshole!", you shout, eyes frantically looking for the stupid baseball bat your boyfriend had jokingly left at your house because you never know and you can't fight for shit.

"That would be a bit drastic, don't you think?", someone shouted back from the kitchen, and your heart almost resumed its normal beating as you took in the warm, familiar, playful voice.

You took off your coat and threw it on a chair before entering the room which, you were finally able to realize, smelled intriguingly weird. Not really bad, just odd.

"Tengen?", you almost whispered, horrified as you looked at your boyfriend bent on the different pots surrounding your stove. It honestly looked like someone had thrown a bomb in the room.

"That's my name, don't wear it out!", he smirked looking at you for a split second before turning his attention to whatever he was cooking again.

"Stop quoting Grease", you scoffed, "how the hell did you get in?!"

"I know where you keep the spare key?"

"No, you don't?"

"I guessed. I'm not just a pretty face, I have a brain you know".

Lord.

You cautiously approached him and resisted the urge to plug your nose as the smell of whatever he was stirring reached you.

"So what's this? I mean, any particular reason why you're wrecking my kitchen and... putting together potatoes and spinach?"

He paused for a second, frozen in place.

"Wait, what were you allergic to? Spinach or kale?"

You couldn't hold back a laugh as he groaned and turned off the stove, wooden spoon abruptly let go of as the answer to his question dawned on him.

"Fuck", he whined, finally facing you, eyebrows furrowed in frustration.

"What is it, Ten?", you smiled, no longer upset because the sight of him was always enough for you to forget why you were mad in the first place. Well, not really always. Often enough though.

"It was supposed to be a surprise", he grumbled and you arched an eyebrow.

"I've been here all afternoon, I wanted to make you dinner. And a cake. But I burned the latter while trying to put together the former, Kanroji gave me a few lessons but I clearly forgot everything because you know how I always refuse to write shit down, so I decided to wing it but it didn't work and now your birthday is ruined and I'm a terrible boyfriend", he dramatically complained, eyes stubbornly fixed on his socks.

Your heart was immediately filled with a silly amount of happiness and relief, the sappy kind, the kind that was reserved to him only. How could you think that he'd forget? He never did. And also, he never cooked. It was the one thing he was bad at, even if you never really had the heart to tell him. Sometimes he'd insist on making something for you so you faked some dumb sandwich or cereal craving, anything he couldn't burn the house down with anyway. Nevertheless, he tried. Each time, he made an effort for you, and that day was no exception. And it made you stupid happy, the fact that he saw you as worth it of so much affection and devotion. Because you loved him an incredibly dumb, endless amount.

"Thank you", you smiled, hands finding his, lips placing a gentle kiss to his neck.

He scoffed.

"For what? There's nothing to eat. On your birthday!"

"That's debatable. I see some carrots over there, potatoes are almost cooked, and look at how well you cut those strawberries", you scanned the kitchen as you wrapped your arms around his waist.

"I even wore an apron", he pouted and you chuckled.

"I can see that, and you look very pretty in it. Tell you what, we can order some food and eat it in bed".

He tucked his hands in the back pockets of your jeans and pulled you closer.

"I will order some food. And cake. Sorry I couldn't do better", his voice was softer and apologetic as he leaned down to kiss you. You smiled against his lips and playfully tucked at his hair.

"Wanna make it up to me by joining me in the tub?"

His irises shined with a troublesome gleam you were all too familiar with.

"You sure you don't wanna eat something first? Cause I'm gonna take my time".

[nattikay]

So with Rise of the Titans coming in less than a week now, I just wanted to make a clarifying post of sorts on my current mental state with it, since ToA is my primary active fandom at the moment and I have a decent number of followers who came for it. A sort of heads-up on what to expect from this blog when the film releases.

I have made it no secret that I was extremely crestfallen by the decision to reverse Jim’s transformation at the end of Wizards, for a multitude of reasons that I have discussed before. However, I have also always tried to allow for the caveat that I don’t know what will happen in the movie, that such a change might have been necessary for the events of said movie, and that seeing the movie might change my mind.

However, while it is possible that the movie might change my mind....it’s highly unlikely.

As I have mentioned before, one of the things that draws me to troll!Jim specifically as a character is the fact that I find his hybrid nature extremely intriguing. It is this intrigue more than any other aspect of the show that drew me into the fandom. 

That said, there are really only two scenarios the movie could potentially pull that would make me change my mind about reversing the transformation:

Bring Jim’s halftroll form back in some way, shape, or form.

Present a different scenario that I find even more intriguing.

Note that neither of these are speaking to the objective quality of the movie. I have no doubt that, whatever happens, it will be very well-done in terms of animation, emotion, storytelling, etc. And I do not say any of this to diss on the creative team who put it all together, as I have nothing but respect for their passion and skills. 

But as for my personal experience and interaction with the series up to this point...well....I’m sorry, but it’s been clouded. 

My anticipation for Wizards last summer was higher than that for any other show that I can remember looking forward to, ever. So much so that it took a physical toll on me because of how high my anxiety spiked leading up to, during, and a while after its release. And I got burned. After all that excitement, all that anticipation, all that hype, the one possible thing that I was most dreading and hoped wouldn’t happen...happened. And Boy Did It Hurted. 

After that ordeal, I’m in a...kinda weird place, emotionally, for RotT. There’s still residual anxiety left over from the emotional fiasco of Wizards, and with my favorite character now (sorta) gone...there’s not really much excitement tbh...only apprehension. I haven’t even been able to bring myself to really watch any of the trailers. 

I will definitely still watch the movie, but at this the current moment it feels a little more out of a mix of obligation and “let’s-get-this-over-with” just to see the canon ending. Which is a shame and believe me I wish I could get as excited as everyone else...but it is what it is.

As for my fanworks and how the movie will affect them...well, obviously I can’t say 100% for sure without having actually seen the movie. Currently my post-canon works take place in a universe where everything that’s happened in canon so far did occur, but sometime after the events of Wizards Jim chooses to go back to halftroll form, with Douxie making the potion for him and even slightly adjusting it so that he can still walk in daylight. Here’s the current possibilities as far as I can imagine:

I completely ignore the events of the movie and just continue with ^ that headcanon.

I accept all the events of the movie but still have Jim transform back afterwards. So basically the current version but with a little more in-between.

One of two scenarios mentioned earlier happens, and I will adjust accordingly. Unfortunately I think this is the least likely possibility as I am not very optimistic about either scenario occurring (but would be more than happy to eat my words) 

I accept all the events of the movie but only as an AU where Jim is still half-troll, be it that he never changed back in Wizards OR that he used Douxie’s potion as mentioned above.

I basically keep the current headcanon but pick and choose specific ideas or events from the movie to incorporate into it.

so...yeah, I guess. That’s where I am with RotT right now, and perhaps you now have somewhat of a better idea what to expect from this blog in the coming days/weeks. 

mostly I just want to retreat into the headcanons that make me happy in peace. If that makes me a bad fan or something, then...whatever I guess. imma just continue liking what i like because dangit that’s what i’m here for.

*another obligatory disclaimer that again this just applies to my personal subjective experience with the show and is not meant as any sort of objective critique or dismissal of its quality*

[ask-purpled-and-blued]

Crimsoned

Honestly? This could’ve turned out a whole lot worse.

Really, it all started with the invitation. He knew Dream decently well and they had mutual respect. Why would Purpled not check out his server? Especially when people were making content and making connections there.

Personal and some business. Win-win.

—

He accepted the invite to the SMP and intended to make an impact. Built a super cool base, got decently stacked, tamed some dogs. He even got to make some friends.

So what if he was a bit out of the loop sometimes. He’d show up to back up his friends when they needed it. He’d stand up to anyone trying to trick him or make him the butt of their joke. He’d be a good samaritan and help people out from time to time. He didn’t need much more than a thank you and some iron.

It’s also just easier to “borrow” things if he doesn’t come to mind easily.

—

Sure, missing huge events sucks.

He leaves the server for one (1) day to have lunch with some friends and his communicator is blowing up with the SMP’s open chat and VCs.

By the time he makes it back, the fighting’s being settled with a duel before anyone even tells him what the stakes are. It’s frustrating to have his dms and voice call attempts ignored in the aftermath, but he gets it. It’s fine.

It’s also fine when he finds out about the new country and they don’t let him join. Being neutral’s suited him so far and even if the thought was nice, he’s only on speaking terms with like three people there. It’d be awkward and he’d rather not insist on that.

So he flies solo for a bit. Just his dogs, sometimes Ponk, and his bedwars squad.

He builds, he mines, he breaks beds. Life goes on.

Then he gets another invitation. Hand-written by Tubbo.

There’s a festival. And honestly he wasn’t expecting to even be invited. Things were sort of tense between everyone else at the moment, he wasn’t sure if he should even show up to a large event in unfamiliar territory.

...

Fuck it, he has pearls. Tubbo’s giving a speech and it’s been forever since they’ve talked. Maybe they’ll have some time to catch up before spats inevitably break out and emotions boil over. Then he can pearl out and check off his monthly human interaction quota.

A safe plan that goes not at all to plan.

Tubbo walls off to talk to someone away from everyone else. Schlatt pulls the twist of a lifetime. Technoblade was apparently on this server and killed Tubbo in front of everyone.

At least the speech was nice. He’d tell Tubbo that if he hadn’t just gone into auto pilot and killed Tommy because someone yelled to.

He, he should probably get home. Dogchamp was still waiting for him.

Yeah, he’ll do that.

—

It’s odd.

After this long doing mindless busy work on the server and grinding bedwars, he’s almost in shock when someone turns up on his cabin doorstep.

Karl, apparently. He’s asking if Purpled would like to help Dream and Schlatt defend Manberg. Offers up a shield.

And Purpled’s indecisive about it.

He takes the shield, accepts and promises he’ll be ready. But then turns around and starts wondering who he should be loyal to.

He’s been neutral this whole time. It would’ve been so easy to just turn Karl down and bite back if they tried to force him to help them.

But he hasn’t seen anyone on this server in ages. Hasn’t sat down and had a chat for even longer. What did Manberg stand for? Why was it being attacked? Who did he just ally with? Who would he be fighting?

He has no details and Karl and Schlatt have offered him none. Dream’s dm to stay away from Manberg is pretty pointless now, considering he’s already signed up for whatever this is.

It takes him until after the first shots are fired, but he’s made his choice.

He sides with L’Manberg’s people and hopes it doesn’t bite him.

It’s a win until it isn’t. He’s glad his pearl reflexes are still up to snuff, otherwise he would’ve been done for for sure.

He witnesses a murder and says nothing about it. Kills a wither and pockets its star. Watched Technoblade threaten some children.

Maybe it’d be best to stay away from anything government-related for the time being.

—

New era, new home!

He’s got a really cool base idea in mind and he’s tested out the basics of the redstone on a pocket single-player world.

He terraforms, builds, and adjusts things until the sun goes down. And even then he keeps busy.

Farming, building, bedwars. He hasn’t seen anyone in a while-

There’s a dirt platform.

There’s an ugly fucking dirt platform that’s right over his cove. And apparently it’s a whole other country right over his home.

He wonders if it’d be worth calling up those anarchists in the woods about it.

He decides to just leave and hope it goes away.

—

He spends a lot of time away after that. Recharges in the company of friends and even takes a break from the grind too. It’s just him in Hypixel Housing with his dogs having a little vacation.

—

He comes back to the server with a lot of energy and a need to use it.

Calls up Ponk about a new business venture.

Real estate.

During his time away he had plenty of time to think about the server and distance himself from it to do so.

People value their stuff so much.

Their pets, their disks, their builds. They well and truly care about them all.

One thing they don’t really care about is the land.

It gets blown up by creepers and burnt out ex-politicians. It’s fought over, sure, but so was a goddamn cow. People will take any excuse for violence on this server.

But the point is that land claims are very valuable and very subjective. No one’s writing up deeds by the coordinate, and he and Ponk will take advantage of that.

—

It could’ve gone worse.

They technically won that duel. Antfrost owes them iron now. Scam successful.

But it raised a lot of issues.

How are they going to handle people who they can’t overpower? Can they use the law angle without getting targeted by Technoblade? How big do they want this scheme to get? How are they going to sustain it?

There are so many complications he didn’t think about before going into it. He doesn’t regret any of it, but damn he wishes he’d planned for contingencies.

Like what to do when Ant’s ally, BadBoyHalo, comes walking up to him and asks if he’d like to see something cool.

He wants to say no. He is probably going to be lured into a room and spawn trapped by the Badlands until he agrees that Ant doesn’t owe anything.

Or maybe he watches too many movies.

Regardless, Bad is over a foot taller than him and hunts Dream down on the side for fun and the content. Purpled is not in a position to resist, PvP experience means jack shit right now.

So he follows Bad to the spawner and down some more stairs.

—

Alright, he’d take the spawn trapping over whatever this situation is. This is actual horror movie shit.

There’s an egg and apparently it’s the source of all the shit that’s growing on the surface right now and Purpled does not want to be this close to it. He’s seen the alien horror movies he knows that thing has bad vibes and it’s totally gonna-

...

It’s gonna make a terrifying amount of sense.

No, no no no no. No!

He is not about to get mentally and emotionally and morally dissected by a fucking egg. He wants no part in this. He doesn’t wanna be here. This is all crazy and this egg can’t do any of those things!

He doesn’t care that Badboyhalo would probably yeet him across the room. He’s struggling and trying not to hyperventilate because the air in here is fucking disgusting and he doesn’t want that shit in his lungs.

He tells Bad he hates this and that he’s weird and crazy and that the egg’s going to ruin everything and leave nothing behind.

...

Yeah, fat fucking chance of that. The egg just wants to take over everything and spread all over the place, it doesn’t actually care about any of them. Bad is being played like a fool and whatever it offered him it won’t give him.

...

It can’t give it to him. It is a fucking egg.

That’s not even what Purpled wants! No amount of wealth is gonna make him ever tolerate this mess.

...

No.

If Bad or any of the egg’s other puppets even look at Dogchamp, Purpled will TNT Machine every chunk on this goddamn server to bedrock.

L’Manberg will look like a creeper hole in comparison.

...

Bet. Think it’s a bluff, Purpled has a surplus of sand already. He just needs to cut a deal with someone for the gunpowder and he’ll be set.

...

This is getting no one anywhere. Purpled refuses to be a part of this fucking cult and the egg can’t make him.

Why not just let him go and try again elsewhere?

...

That wasn’t a challenge. It was a statement. A fact, if you would.

...

He’s not trembling, it’s just hot in here. He has no reason to be scared of an egg.

This is a waste of time and they should just all pretend it didn’t happen.

...

He’s not scared- he just-

It’s hard to breathe, how can Bad stand it? It’s so hot and humid and miserable.

It’s not hyperventilating, it’s Purpled trying to regulate his breathing.

The egg’s seeing things. This isn’t working. It’s a waste of time. They might as well just let him go.

He’s never going to bend to the will of an egg.

...

How is it not bending to it’s will if it demands obedience and compliance? Is the egg stupid? Is that why it still insists on keeping him here?

Purpled’s not going to help an egg cover the server in its gross ass vines. Not now, not ever.

...

Obsidian walls won’t make this work any better.

...

It really won’t.

...

It’s not- Are they even still there?

The egg can’t move, but Bad is definitely not here. He’d be all loud and annoying about it.

...

Purpled does not miss Bad. Not when he’s being a creepy cult member.

He’s hardly better at conversation than the egg itself. It makes no difference whether he’s left or not.

...

That’s just fucking rude. Purpled’s not even gonna humor that one.

“Does it matter if you’re gone?” What a fucking joke.

...

This is just his life now, isn’t it? Stuck in this hole because an egg’s being a stubborn loser about having a shitty pitch.

...

That pitch was absolutely shitty.

Not in any way persuasive. Purpled’s honestly surprised the egg even has Bad with how terrible its tactics are.

...

Oh haha. Asking the captive for tips on how to better indoctrinate captives. Yeah, sure!

...

That’s not even his area of expertise. All he knows is math, bedwars, and now a bunch of loopholes.

...

It wants to talk real estate? Why on God’s green earth should Purpled open himself to conversation with this thing?

...

It did work. It totally worked.

...

The egg’s approach was worse! And no Purpled will not explain why!

...

Why does the egg even want this SMP? The land’s all gone to shit anyways and it’s constantly getting wrecked.

...

It’s serious? It is 100% serious about this right now?

...

Fuck. That’s-

...

Purpled still doesn’t want a part in this. He just wants hang out with his friends and not deal with this server’s bullshit anymore.

...

That’s fair but also the egg makes people lamer. Having egg friends is worse than not having friends.

...

That’s. Well, he could do that. Have the egg and also not have friends. Have a part in taking all that land and be able to make the most of it. Be able to-

Nope, pump the breaks. Nuh uh.

...

Shouldn’t have given it that much shit about its approach then. Purpled has to concede that much at this point.

...

Even if it seems inevitable at this point, the egg shouldn’t get ahead of itself.

There’s always the chance that someone busts in right now and pulls Purpled out before he loses the rest of his sanity down here choking on humid, tainted air. That someone will notice he’s missing without having left the server and they’ll go looking.

...

Yeah, it was a weak hope.

—

It could’ve been so much worse.

But there’s still time to make it even worse.

He’s got a base no one ever checks that has sewer access. It’d be the most use he ever got out of Area 51 and it’d be hella ironic.

They can plant more vines in there or even move the egg itself in there to keep it safe. It doesn’t seem like a very good idea to have it where people with ill intent can fuck with it.

There are places on the server where no one goes or walks by. They can plant more there and let it run as wild as it pleases.

If they’re strategic about their placement, they can take over so much of the land. The people in it can be converted after.

He didn’t want to be here and on some level he probably still doesn’t.

But he’s not one to half ass things.

He didn’t want to be here and neither will anyone else they’re going to convert.

He can’t bring himself to care anymore.

The egg’s easier. As much as he hates giving up, why was he even really trying? What was worth resisting for?

He remembers, but it doesn’t seem all that worth it anymore.

Maybe it never was.

[absolutelynochillonlydeath]

Garden Wraith

3. On the Subject of Change...

The learning curve for his new normal was…interesting to say the least. He spent close to a week in the Unknown with Beatrice and her family, though mostly in the forest so as not to freak out her parents. It was there that he learned that his more…otherworldly features came out when he was upset, which then served to upset him more and it took a few minutes for Beatrice to calm him down again. Out of curiosity and a little bit of fear, they felt beneath the curls of his dark brown hair to see if there were any signs of the antlers the Beast had, and to Wirt’s horror and mortification, he felt little nubs growing from the sides of his head. Beatrice simply snorted and compared him to a newborn faun. The subject then came up of the lantern. Both looked at it in contempt since it was a source of so much of their fears.

“So, do you really think that your soul is in there?” Beatrice asked quietly as she looked at the flickering light behind the glass. Wirt looked at the flame nervously before nodding. Since he had gotten there, he felt eerily attached to the lantern in his hands, and if that was any indication, then the whispering he occasionally heard from the trees definitely settled the matter.

“Yeah. It is.” He said softly and Beatrice nodded somberly. Both knew what that meant. The most horrific thing about his nature was now he would have to depend on the oil of Edelwood trees to survive and their source wasn’t the most pleasant of things. Wirt’s skin crawled at the very notion of what he may have to do to survive and the girl patted his back sympathetically. For now, they pushed the thought into the back of their minds. They would find whatever Edelwoods left over from the previous Beast and use Beatrice’s mill to process it like the Woodsman had. For now, though, they focused on other aspects of his powers which still included his odd animal attracting ability that Beatrice laughed at when he mentioned his affinity to birds in particular. That power, though, served to comfort him in that with the old Beast, whenever he was there, it seemed that the area itself was devoid of life. Beatrice only smiled and teased that his poet soul was drawing them there, but both were relieved. If nothing else, it served as a reminder that while Wirt may have the Beast’s powers, they were not the same. Something else that Wirt found out was that he could cloak himself in pure shadow with only his eyes to provide light, much like his predecessor. It freaked them both out but was highly useful when it came to hiding and also teleporting to different points of the Unknown. It was almost something straight out of a horror film and explained as to how the Beast could seemingly appear out of nowhere. Suffice to say, discoveries were made and in between blinking in the Unknown and waking up to the morning light filtering in through his bedroom window, it was difficult to keep track of which reality he was in when he awoke.

A transition period was the best way he could describe this part of his life. It was a bit stressful and jarring and confusing as he switched between realities and realized that time was inconsequential in the Unknown. They lived in perpetual stillness since they were already dead, so the passing of seasons were only important for the holidays and crop gathering. Due to the growing confusion, Wirt started keeping a notebook with him to track the days and give him reminders as to what was going on. To his surprise, it seemed like if he slept with an object in hand and had the desire to bring the object with him, they would also show up with him in the Unknown. The same was true in reverse. It was startling, but useful and made his life easier when waking up again. Sadly, the transition not only affected him mentally and emotionally, it also attracted plenty of attention from his family. He was already under scrutiny for how different he now treated Greg. It was a welcome change, but Wirt swore that his mom sprinkled holy water on him one morning during breakfast. They weren’t really religious, it was more of a habit from his Irish grandparents and great grandparents than anything else, but it was the principle of the matter. Either way, his stepfather snickered and Greg asked if it was alright if he could splash water on Wirt too.

Speaking of Greg, the boy immediately caught on to his elder brother’s weird behavior. It was almost impossible for Wirt to keep anything from the child, especially since he knew that the younger boy only wanted to help and keep him safe, but Wirt didn’t want to scare him. Wirt now knew from experience and a general curiosity that he could manifest his more supernatural traits into reality and it sent him into a small panic attack in the bathroom that made him realize that his eyes were glowing brightly and his anxiety was what was making it manifest. After riding it out and calming down, his eyes dulled back to their normal grey and left him paranoid as to when it would happen again. He didn’t know when his eyes would flare at school or around Greg and that made him avoid his family for a while until he had another talk with Beatrice. The girl simply rolled her eyes and smacked him upside the head.

“Oww! What was that for?!” he complained, rubbing his head and she continued to glare at him.

“You doofus. You need to tell him or you’ll only make him more worried.” She huffed and he looked down and shook his head.

“I-If it tell him, he’ll only be more scared. I promised him that the Beast wouldn’t come back and now…that’s…it’s…what I am.” He said quietly, hands clenched and trembling at his hides. His mind flashed back to their moment in the hospital. The small boy had expressed his hidden fear so well. Until that moment, Wirt hadn’t known that Greg had realized the true danger he was in. The boy had such a positive outlook on their time in the Unknown and looked jovial through most of it, even when facing down the Beast. Wirt thought that the seven-year-old just didn’t understand what was going on, but Greg was much smarter than his brother gave him credit for. That moment told Wirt everything. Greg was strong and silly and brave because that was how he could process what was happening. He took enjoyment where he could because everything else was terrifying. He may not have had the full understanding of how the Beast was tricking him or how exactly to escape, but he knew that something bad was happening and that the Unknown wasn’t where they were supposed to be. Still, throughout all that, he never lost hope. Not like Wirt did. Greg had explained to him in the early hours of the morning when he snuck into the teenager’s bed after a nightmare what had happened in the time he went missing. The Queen of Clouds, his chance to escape, his wish for Wirt, and the ultimate deal with the Beast in an attempt at release. Wirt shuddered and hugged the boy tightly through whispered apologies and sobs. That wonderful, kind child had been willing to throw away every chance he had to let his older brother go free and Wirt had never felt lower. He promised again to himself that night that he wouldn’t allow his little brother to feel such terror ever again.

Beatrice stifled a sigh at her friend’s drama, but she understood where he was coming from. Her siblings, as much as they annoyed her, she would defend with her life and she knew that Wirt was the same with Greg. Still, she highly doubted that the boy would reject his brother over this and she opened her mouth to say as much.

“Wirt, if nothing else along your little adventure, I’d like to think that I got to know your brother pretty well. Does he seem like the type to be afraid of his dorky older brother? He’s much braver than you and as soon as he figures out that you’re the same lame guy, he’ll be fine.” She said gruffly, placing her hands on his shoulders. Wirt trembled under her hands and shook his head again.

“But what if he doesn’t? He was so scared, Beatrice! I-I-I don’t think I could handle it if he looked at me like he looked at the Beast…” he whispered sadly, his eyes now flickering with pearlescent colors. He could feel the black hazing over the edges of his vision as his breathing got more ragged and for a moment, he felt himself between asleep and awake, his awareness torn between his in the Unknown body and his body in the living world from the stress he felt.

“Oh, no you don’t! You’re not waking up till we’ve finished this conversation!” Beatrice called out, now crushing the shorter teen in a bear hug that knocked the breath out of him. In retrospect, that really should not have worked, but it did and when his vision cleared and air was properly flowing through his lungs, all he saw were the red curls of Beatrice’s hair.

“S-s-sorry…” he mumbled and clung tightly to her desperately as if she was his center of gravity and without her, he could be left to drift out into the vast sky or sink into the cold ground.

“Don’t apologize for that. I get that you’re worried, even if I think it’s over nothing.” She murmured back, her grip not loosening, but she was now rubbing soothing circles over his spine.

“It’s not nothing. Its Greg.” Wirt protested and Beatrice shook her head.

“You’re underestimating him. The kid’s got an unhealthy hero worship of you and I really doubt that a little thing like accidentally getting a freaky wooden death spirit’s powers is gonna deter him. He’s way more persistent than that.” he huffed, chuckling over her thoughts. In the time she got to know the two boys, she had tried her best not to get attached to them, but she had and thought of the boy as one of her own little brothers. He was charming in his odd childlike logic, was loyal to a fault, and his positivity was endearing. Even when she betrayed him, she knew he would forgive her and it made her guilty to think of afterwards. The boy was strong and resilient and there was no way he would be afraid. Not of Wirt. Never of Wirt.

“Just trust me and tell him. I guarantee he won’t be afraid. And if he is and things don’t go well, I’ll help you run away or something, okay?” she asked and Wirt blinked in surprise, pulling away from her embrace.

“Wait, what?” he asked, startled, but the iridescent colors were gone now.

“I mean, it would be kind of pathetic to run away from a seven-year-old, but I wouldn’t put it past you. Don’t think you’d make it very far either, but hey, you’re a stubborn jerk who beat a monster, so who knows? Still, running away from a kid is pretty lame. And that kid is also Greg, so I think he’d find you pretty easy too.” She continued on as Wirt started to sputter in indignation. There we go. Rile him up. If the gentle approach wasn’t breaking through to him, she would appeal to his stubborn streak. That and she was out of sentimental words for the week. She swore this kid was making her soft.

“Wh-what? No I wouldn’t! I would just, y’know, never talk to him again. Like, ever.” He stammered and Beatrice rolled her eyes, hand on her hips.

“You really think that’s gonna work with Greg? The human chatterbox and friend machine? Yeah, that’s definitely not gonna work.” She scoffed and Wirt sighed, nodding in agreement and kicking at the snow at his feet. She was right. Scared or not, repulsed or not, there was no stopping Gregory Cowan from opening his mouth and commenting about whatever was on his mind. The only times that Wirt had ever heard the boy silent was when he was either eating or sleeping and even then he still had a propensity to open his mouth and let sound come out.

“You’re right, you’re right… I just…I’m trying to be a good big brother to make up for the terrible one I’ve been for half of my life and all of his life. I just don’t want to scare him and never get the chance to make it up to him…” he said softly and Beatrice nodded.

“And you will. Just tell him the truth. He won’t leave you.” He said firmly and Wirt took a deep breath, feeling himself being firmly settled into the Unknown again, the edges of his vision clearing and he nodded.

“You’re right. I’ll…tell him…. He deserves to know.” He relented and Beatrice nodded in agreement, patting his shoulder.

“Of course I’m right. My ideas are always right.” She said and Wirt rolled his eyes.

“Adelaide was a good idea?” he asked and the girl’s cheeks flushed bright red.

“Ok, but that was once!” she argued and Wirt’s skepticism shot through the metaphorical roof along with his eyebrow.

“Getting turned into a bird, stealing from Endicott, sneaking onto the frog ferry…” he trailed on and the elder girl growled and slapped a hand over his smirking mouth.

“Hush. We don’t talk about those! And don’t chance the subject! We’re talking about you and Greg.” She said sternly, though the blush remained on her face and was now going to the tips of her ears. The mention of the subject at hand was sobering though and the smile soon faded from the boy’s face.

“I need to tell him.” he said quietly, resigned to his fate. Around them, the Unknown swayed with a phantom breeze, the snow blanketing whatever noise there might have been.

*

Wirt felt nauseous and he jittered in place on his bed. He had woken up that day with full determination to tell Greg about him, but that resolve was shaken as soon as he saw the boy at the table for breakfast. He had since shut himself up in his room, pacing nervously and trying not to imagine how much his eyes were glowing. He wanted to tell him. He needed to tell him. but the doubt still lingered in the back of his mind. Luckily, or unluckily for his nerves, his indecisiveness was no match for the curiosity and worry of a seven-year-old. The light knocking on the door was the only warning the teen got before the child burst into his room with all the enthusiasm and eagerness of a puppy.

“Wirt! Wirt! This is urgent business! Jason Funderburker is in need of your affection cuz it’s been so long!” the boy yelled, holding the frog up and waving him in his elder brother’s face.

“Wait-Greg-what?” Wirt stuttered and Greg climbed up on the bed, seating himself next to the other with a look of exasperation on his youthful face.

“We want to spend time in you! You’ve been in here so long, I thought you’d have grown a long white beard! Like Santa! Or a really old guy!” the boy exclaimed and Wirt rolled his eyes, chuckling.

“I haven’t been in here that long. I can’t grow a beard that fast!” he disputed and Greg looked at him skeptically, poking an inquisitive finger at his chin. Wirt pushed his hand away but the boy was persistent, continuing to poke him till Wirt was now actively trying to wrestle him to the bed in order to poke his chin. It sent both of them into a fit of giggles and they heard Jason Funderburker croak along with them. Finally they stopped to catch their breaths, the remnants of laughter leaving them.

“So, can you tell me why you’re not happy now?” Greg suddenly asked and Wirt froze in place but tried his best to force his body to relax and sound nonchalant.

“Wha-what do you mean? I, uh, I’m fine. It’s just the whole snow on the ground thing is all!” he squeaked, failing at looking casual. Greg didn’t look convinced and sat on his chest.

“Are you mad at me again?” he asked quietly and Wirt shot up immediately, practically bowling the boy off him before he snatched him close to hug him.

“What?! Of course not!” he shouted and Greg hugged him back tightly.

“So why are you sad?” the boy asked and Wirt took a breath, steeling what nerves he had and looking the boy dead in the eye.

“I-I’m not sad. Just a little, um…scared? I guess? But it’s nothing to do with you! You didn’t do anything wrong.” Wirt said frantically, the words tumbling out in a rush. Greg, for his part, simply looked confused.

“Greg, I promised I’d protect you no matter what. I don’t want to scare you, but I-I-I think you need to know…”he said quietly and Greg’s eyes seemed to light up in understanding.

“Oh. Is it about how you have the same pretty eyes the Beast had?” he asked innocently end Wirt nodded before freezing.

“Exact-wait, what? You know about that?” Wirt gasped and Greg snorted with laughter.

“Yupp! I saw your eyes when I woke you up a while ago, but you didn’t know yet. I’m glad you do now. Why do you have them? Do I have them? Are my eyes beautiful too?” the boy asked curiously, mind now wandering off in his own world and hugging his frog in contemplation. Wirt felt whatever tension and anxiety he had wash out of him, leaving him limp and almost collapsing back onto his bed. For lack of a better word, he was stunned. Greg knew? He had known for a long time and hadn’t said anything just to make Wirt comfortable.

He really did have the best brother, though he didn’t appreciate the anxiety that came from all of this.

“Why didn’t you tell me before? Weren’t you scared?” Wirt asked in a breathless rush, hugging his brother tightly. Greg looked up at him and shrugged, though he had a serious look on his face.

“I didn’t want to scare you. You were already not sleeping, so I didn’t want to make it worse.” the boy said simply and Wirt could only blink in shock.

“You…you weren’t scared? Of, y’know, what I am? Of my eyes?” the teen asked softly and Greg’s eyebrows scrunched a little in confusion and contemplation.

“Why would I be? I think you were more scared than I was.” Greg said innocently and once again, Wirt hugged the younger boy close, giving him a comforting squeeze.

“Thank you…” he whispered and Greg hugged back tightly, enjoying the affection and patting his brother’s back.

“No need to thank me, brother o’ mine!” he said cheerfully, but there was also relief running through his tiny body. He knew that the Beast was gone, the faint memories of his semi-conscious state echoing with the dying screams of the monster as its soul was snuffed out reminding him every time he dared remember it, but he wouldn’t deny that the glowing eyes of his brother had worried him. Now he knew that he shouldn’t have worried. Beast or not, weird tree powers or not, this was still his older, worried brother and nothing would change that.

“So does that mean you can be a tree now? Can you turn other people into trees? You really shouldn’t do that cuz it’s not nice.” Greg asked, continuing on with his musings as Wirt could only listen and laugh, the relief leaving him lose and willing to muse with him about his newfound powers.

*

The next two years until the next big change in the brothers’ lives was a series of highs and lows filled with making better friends, two different comings out and the parties that came afterwards, meeting witches, learning magic, and turning said friends into a makeshift witch coven. Turning fifteen was stressful in many ways and Wirt felt like he was on the verge of a breakdown from the secrets he was carrying and finally gave in when his friends finally confronted him. Luckily, both of his “coming out” gatherings went well. Sara and the rest of their friends took to him being a weird death tree being rather quickly, asking him questions and sympathizing about his and Greg’s trip to the Unknown. Telling them was also incredibly helpful in keeping his secret while in school since his anxiety tended to make his eyes flicker iridescent. Compared to that particularly nerve wracking reveal, Wirt’s sexuality seemed like nothing. By that, he meant that he still almost passed out from nerves and was only calmed down when his friends and Greg all surrounded him in a group hug.

Both brothers grew closer through all of that, learning Wirt’s new powers together with the younger boy delighting in each ability he showed. Their practice was done at the cemetery with the now dubbed “witch’s circle” among the graves of people they knew in the Unknown, the eyes of the dead watching Wirt’s progress with approval as he changed into something more, better, than the Beast his predecessor was. But that was a story for another time. In his sixteenth year, Wirt would start a new journey and it started with a few casual words spoken by his mother in the early morning over a bowl of cereal.

“Jonathan and I will be going on a honeymoon soon.” His mother announced and Wirt could only stare at her back in a sleepy haze, wondering if he heard right. “Ohhh! What’s what? Are you gonna dip the moon in honey? Is that why it goes yellow sometimes?” A now nine-year-old Greg asked excitedly from next to the elder boy, syrup from his pancakes sticking to his cheeks.

“No, Greg. It’s what married people do after they get married to, uh, spend time together.” Wirt answered quickly, refraining from telling most of the truth and hoping his explanation didn’t come out as awkward as he thought it was. Luckily, his brother seemed to gloss over that fact.

“Oh. But haven’t you been married for a while? Why now? And when? Can we go too?” the boy continued with his slew of questions. Their mother chuckled and ruffled his hair.

“Well, he and I have been planning it for a while but haven’t really found a good time to do it since the marriage and Greg’s birth was so close together.” She explained and turned back to the stove. “And no, honey. Like Wirt said, it’s for married people only. And we’ll be doing it over the summer!” She announced cheerfully, though Greg pouted in displeasure at not being able to go anywhere.

“Oh, well, um, good for you guys, I guess? So, does that mean that we’ll be, um, alone for a while in the summer?” Wirt asked and felt nervous when his mother sighed and turned to him, taking on the same nervous look he usually had. “Well, see, that’s what I wanted to talk to you both about.” She said hesitantly and that immediately knocked all tiredness from his body and he sat up straighter.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, at first we were planning on making it a small trip for a week, but then we got so excited at the thought and since you two were getting along so much better recently, we figured that it would be fine to leave you two longer than that.” She rambled, smiling sheepishly as she explained in a rush. “Not without a guardian, of course! Jonathan has an uncle up in Oregon that we are sending you to and it might be an adventure for you boys too! Along with it being a good opportunity to get to know more family!” she finished and now both boys were stunned, though Greg recovered quicker, his trademark enthusiasm taking hold.

“Ohh! Really?! That’s amazing! We get to go up to Oregon for the summer? We get to meet another uncle! Maybe he’ll be an uncle like Uncle Endicott, Wirt! Do you think he has a big mansion too? Can I bring Jason Funberburker with us?” Greg burbled out excitedly.

“Wait, wait, wait. What? An uncle? Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, not that it’s a bad thing to meet relatives, or that you aren’t entitled to having some time for yourselves, because that’s good in theory, but we haven’t even met the man. I can take care of Greg here while you’re gone, so you don’t need to send us all the way to Oregon!” Wirt rambled right back to his mother, his anxieties flooding his thoughts. What if the man didn’t like him? What if he didn’t like Greg? Wirt didn’t think that would happen since everyone liked Greg, but it was still a fear. What if he didn’t like them bringing a frog with them? And what about his friends and his lack of summer plans he wanted to make with them? And what about the poetry he would have to hide from him? And his abilities! How would he manage to hide that when they were as blaringly obvious? He hid his face in his hands to cover his eyes as the stress seemed to work through his chest.

“Oh, sweetie! It’ll be alright!” his mother quickly rushed over and hugged him and he sank into her embrace gratefully, feeling the comfort beat back his fear.

“I know you aren’t comfortable with new places, but Oregon is a beautiful place! It has plenty of forests that you boys are fond of and would definitely appeal to your poetic soul, honey! And from what Jonathan has told me, his uncle is a little eccentric, but very nice, so there’s no need to worry!” she said reassuringly and pet his hair. Wirt felt himself relaxing with the attention and huffed a little when Greg joined in on the comfort.

“It’s just…are you sure we can’t just stay here? I’m sixteen. I can take care of Greg by myself. Don’t you trust me?” He said quietly as he looked up at his mother and she sighed and shook her head, dropping a kiss to his forehead.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Wirt. I know you’re a responsible young man, but I can’t just leave you alone for the whole summer unsupervised. Neither Jonathan or I have any relatives here and we’d both feel better if there was someone to look after you both.” She said softly, petting his hair. Wirt sighed and felt the trembling from her hand. He inherited his nervous nature from someone and it as only now that he was calming down that he realized his mother was just as freaked out about this as he was. Feeling his panic ebb, his shoulders slumped and he nodded slowly, looking down. He couldn’t deny her this. Not when she was so excited and he knew that if he really pushed this she would stay with them instead of going on her trip with his step-dad so they wouldn’t be left alone.

“…so it’s an uncle of Jonathan’s?” he asked quietly as he looked up again and he could feel her mother relax at his acceptance.

“Yupp! So, he would technically be your and Greg’s great uncle!” she said brightly, giving his shoulder squeeze and sending a grateful smile his way. He smiled back slightly in acknowledgement and returned to his now soggy cereal. “Really? So how is he a great uncle? Is that just the next step from a good uncle?” Greg asked curiously and made Wirt roll his eyes before patting his head.

“That’s not what mom means, Greg.” He explained and Greg looked at him skeptically.

“Are you sure? Just normal uncles are pretty good, so I can only expect that the uncles of our parents are great since they’re older.” He explained in the only way that an elementary school child could. With that, breakfast was concluded and more details of the plan were divulged and come the end of August, their bags were packed and it was a plane and a bus to their new destination. It was certainly an adventure to get their all on its own with Wirt keeping track of their traveling schedules, trying his best to keep a hyperactive Greg entertained until he finally crashed from the jetlag, checking a frog through the airport and bus terminals, and subsequently keeping his brother away from said frog while on the plane. On the bus, Wirt held his brother close while he slept, holding his frog like a stuffed animal, and looked at the ever-changing terrain through the window. The trees multiplied as time went on, growing thicker and thicker as they got closer, and he let his mind wander to something more poetic. The trees were different that those of the Unknown, but they seemed to give off a similar feeling of mystery, like they contained secrets that they dare not divulge for fear of retribution. Or perhaps they kept the secrets from those that were unworthy of learning them? Either way, he could feel this soul in the lantern flutter in excitement at the prospect of exploring this new forest and finding new inspiration. His mother was right, it truly was a beautiful place.

“Mmmm….Wirt?” came the sleepy voice beside him and Wirt turned to see his brother eyes flutter open and a yawn escape his lips.

“Right here, Greg.” He assured the younger boy and Greg relaxed from his slight tension.

“Are we there yet?” he asked and Wirt shook his head.

“No. Not yet. But I think we’re almost there. Look at how many trees there are.” He said and Greg brightened immediately, climbing over his brother’s lap to get a better look outside.

“Wow! There’re more trees here than back home! It’s like the Unknown! But the trees are different!” he said excitedly. In the recent years he had become fixated on learning the different types of trees and Wirt didn’t doubt that he could name every single tree in this forest.

“Oh yeah? Well, we’ll go exploring for a bit after we settle in, okay?” he assured Greg and the younger boy smiled brightly, squeezing his frog to him.

“You hear that, Jason Funderburker? We get to go on forest adventures with Wirt again!” he said excitedly and practically vibrated in place from excitement as soon as they saw the big sign passing them by, announcing their destination. Wirt huffed a laugh and gathered their things as the bus slowed, rumbling to a stop at what seemed like just the side of the road where a single car was parked.

“Oh. I guess that must be him. U-unless there’s someone else waiting for someone else here. I mean, that would probably make sense since we’re not the only ones on the bus that are probably headed here but maybe it is and-“

“Wirt, look! It’s our Uncle!” Greg cut his older brother off gleefully and dashed down the aisle to exit the bus.

“Wait, Greg!” Wirt yelled, scooping up their backpacks before dashing after the excitable child. The other riders looked at him in sympathy and let him pass which Wirt felt grateful for and he stumbled out of the bus as Greg waved excitedly with his frog.

“Hi, Uncle! It’s nice to meet you! I’m Greg and this is Wirt and this is Jason Funderburker! We’re here for the summer!” Greg announced happily to the two figures leaving the car.

“Greg! Don’t just go running off!” Wirt scolded before straightening himself out and settling his eyes on the thinner of the two older men. He recognized him vaguely from the picture Jonathan showed them before they left, though he was definitely more aged than the picture and there was something in his eyes that Wirt was a bit wary about.

“Hello, Sir. Thank you for having us here.” Wirt said politely and the other elder man scoffed a little. The boy’s Uncle gave a pleasant chuckle and waved his hand dismissively.

“Aww shucks, there’s no need fer any “sir” nonsense! The name’s McGucket. Fiddleford McGucket or just Uncle Fiddleford to you. Welcome to Gravity Falls, kids!”

*

AO3 handle: AbsolutelyNoChill_OnlyDeath

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

My friends and I occasionally play that made-up game called "Kerfuffle" - A bit like DnD but with everyday life tasks and not as nerdy (sadly :D). You pick a random politician, TV char., etc. and try to overcome some challenges in a way you assume they'd do it. Last time we played, I obv picked s.o. from ST - Joyce. That was when a random thought crossed my mind: If s.o. were to name each ST main character's greatest weakness/ strength, what would be the outcome? I immediately thought of you. :D

Ok, now that the election is over, and my anxiety has come back down to its usual “only a little high” status, it’s back to business here. This is an interesting question from my pal @sollody here. I’m not going to be able to go too much into depth given the breadth of the question here, but it’ll be a nice look at several characters. Perhaps this will result in requests for more in-depth looks at some of them individually. For the sake of having a defined meaning of “main character,” I am only going with characters who were in all three seasons and were directly involved in the action (sorry, Mr. Clarke). I will make an exception for Max, as she’s just too central to leave out.

The Party

Mike

Greatest Strength: Determination. Once he sets his mind on something, he does everything in his power to see that it happens. Do not try to come between Mike and his objective. God help you if you try to stop him when his objective involves Will or El.

Greatest Weakness: A lack of emotional intelligence. Mike reacts to his emotions as they come. There’s no apparent self-awareness, and this results in impulsive behavior that leads to negative outcomes for himself and his relationships. The feelings themselves aren’t the problem. Mike just doesn’t understand them enough to react appropriately.

Will

Greatest Strength: Quick thinking. I was tempted to mention his compassion, but really Will’s greatest asset is his mental acuity. Since season 1 he has shown an impressive capacity for quick thinking in stressful situations.

Greatest Weakness: Insecurity. Will has self-esteem issues resulting from not only the Upside Down situation, but also more mundane personal and family experiences. He worries about how people view him and fears that he’s being left behind. This leads to him keeping important things to himself, things nobody, especially a child, should be expected to deal with alone.

Lucas

Greatest Strength: Rationality. Lucas has generally been the member of the party with the most down-to-earth mindset. Regardless of all of the supernatural goings on, Lucas has tried to view things realistically. His approaches to the events of the series have typically been the most practical, skeptical, and grounded. Ironically, this actually does make him a good Winston, though I wouldn’t want to be the one to tell him this.

Greatest Weakness: Overconfidence. Lucas is very sure of himself, sometimes too much so, even when warned off by others. From being sure that El was trouble, to risking a beating from Billy, to thinking he’s some suave expert on women, Lucas has made trouble for himself and his friends. He doesn’t meant to, of course, and a lot of this may come from some desire to “be a man.” Lucas needs to learn to accept himself as he is.

Dustin

Greatest Strength: Curiosity. Dustin is always looking to learn more about anything and everything. Nothing is too weird or off-putting for him. His knowledge has come very much in handy for the Party, and this general attitude has led to him accepting the supernatural events in stride.

Greatest Weakness: Recklessness. Dustin, in his pursuit of satisfying his curiosity, or some other goal, can fail to see clearly obvious dangers. Find a strange creature? Raise it yourself. See a strange growth in the underground tunnels? Go get a closer look. Find out about a possible Russian base in the mall? Let’s go check it out! His goals are often admirable, but his approach is often foolish.

El

Greatest Strength: Adaptability. El has managed to escape a government facility, survive in the woods, and travel to unfamiliar locations despite her young age. While she has been somewhat dependent on her powers, she’s managed to accomplish some impressive feats for someone who hasn’t had anything close to resembling a normal upbringing.

Greatest Weakness: Ignorance. This isn’t the “you’re so ignorant!” meaning of the word. I mean it in the truest sense of the word: El just lacks a lot of information in life. Most critically, she’s emotionally and socially unaware. A lot of her schemas for relationships come from TV shows and what little she picked up from Mike in season 1. She’s gotten somewhat better as the seasons moved on, but there’s just a lot she doesn’t know. This had led to her being suspicious, angry, and possessive (specifically of Mike), harming her relationships with others.

Max

Greatest Strength: Acceptance. Max doesn’t unduly judge anyone. Her issues with Mike stemmed from his treatment of her. Aside from that, some light teasing aside, she was more than happy to accept the Party as her friends. She didn’t let Lucas’ race get in the way of their mutual attraction, despite knowing what Neil and Billy would think about it. She wanted to be El’s friend from the start, and, despite being harshly rebuffed at first, she accepted El when she sought Max out in season 3. It’s really a testament to how determined she is to not continue the cycle that Neil and Billy brought into her life.

Greatest Weakness: Family. Honestly, Max’s biggest drawback is her home life. She’s worried that she may end up going down the same angry, abusive road as Billy and Neil. She’s mistrustful, snarky, and blunt even when not worked up, behaviors she likely developed due to exposure to Billy and Neil. She also seems to still love Billy despite his abusive behavior. This sort of family dynamic can be very damaging (and it was probably just as harmful to Billy). Hopefully, Max’s found family serves to offset the harm done by her “real” family.

Older Teens

Nancy

Greatest Strength: Determination. It must be a family trait. Nancy is relentless, and she will get to the truth of the matter, one way or another. Nobody, and indeed no monster, will keep her from what she’s after.

Greatest Weakness: Egocentrism. Nancy can easily lose sight of how things impact those around her. Her desire to prove herself has left her somewhat blind to the difficulties other people face. She has trouble relating to people from other situations.

Jonathan

Greatest Strength: Compassion. Jonathan has sacrificed a great deal for his family, and he’s apparent done it without any noticeable resentment. His treatment of Will resembles the ideal that a lot of parents hope for in their kids (though in reality Mike/Nancy or Lucas/Erica is the more realistic outcome). Jonathan just wants those important to him to be happy.

Greatest Weakness: Social Awkwardness. Jonathan has a great deal of trouble interacting with other people. This likely stems from his family situation, as his father leaving left his family as pariahs of sorts, and it also left him having to be a sort of father figure when he should have been able to be a regular teenager.

Steve

Greatest Strength: Courage. Yes, Steve has been freaked out by everything, but that’s irrelevant. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the ability to feel fear and not let it control you. Steve has willingly put himself in harm’s way for the sake of others in all three seasons. The only thing that scares Steve too much to overcome is social judgment...

Greatest Weakness: Insecurity. Yes, our buddy, King Steve, has self-esteem issues. This is why he’s always trying to play himself off as a hotshot. He’s simply too afraid to just be himself. Sadly, it’s only when he lets this guard down that he’s at his best. He’s made some stride at overcoming this, and I’m hopeful that he continues this in season 4.

Adults

Joyce

Greatest Strength: Ferocity. Do I even need to explain this? Do NOT threaten Joyce’s loved ones, especially Will. Just don’t.

Greatest Weakness: Emotional Reactivity. When stress hits Joyce, she reacts hard. It’s perfectly normal, given the level of stress she feels, but it leaves her seeming “crazy” and makes it hard for others to understand what she’s trying to get across. As a result, her message, warning, etc. is lost and her credibility is damaged. In less serious occurrences, she instead just comes across as belligerent or annoying, even though she’s generally right about whatever she’s on about.

Hopper

Greatest Strength: Compassion. Hopper is at his best when he’s trying to protect others. Despite having worked to close himself off from the world after his personal trauma, Hopper still feels compassion. He probably never wanted to feel anything for anyone again (perhaps why he returned to a boring town like Hawkins), but when tragedy struck it brought out the best in him. Though, that brings us to his weakness...

Greatest Weakness: Insensitivity. Perhaps ironically, Hopper’s weakness is the complete opposite of his strength. Hopper is a man who runs hot and cold. Which version of him that you get depends on his mood. If you get his bad side, prepare for harsh words, and perhaps harsher fists. This may help him get the job done at times, but it harms his relationships. He has a tremendous fear of loss, which results in him lashing out fiercely at those he cares for if they do something to that risks him losing them.

Ok, that’s the best I could come up with. I’d love to read other people’s thoughts on the matter.

[snickiebear]

yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you. 

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them. 

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are. 

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok 

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn 

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL. 

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A. 

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip. 

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH. 

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about. 

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it. 

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it. 

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay. 

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time. 

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps. 

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing. 

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA  

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.” 

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic. 

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Forgive me, I’m here to vent again.

Things have seemed a little better, at least I’m starting to brush myself off a bit and split my losses. In the coming days after the break up, I felt very unspecial. I felt moldy inside and grey, like something was pulled out of me. I felt gross and used up. I guess that in a very specific way I was made into something special or pretty, someone who had perfect strength and vulnerability, that I was some unique form of beautiful that he alone had discovered and learned to interact with. I was very open to him in a way I hadn’t been with other people. And losing that closeness is difficult for me still.

I’m trying to remember who I was before him, and here and again as spring emerges and I walk around town after work or watch the streets as the bus takes me where I am going, I find myself flowing more with what’s around me, or seeing more into it. I don’t feel as separated from myself. I don’t know if that makes any sense.

Not that I ever wasn’t me, but my focus at one time didn’t even acknowledge his existence. I was my own in a way that I had given partial custody to him after we got together. I realize that though not having anyone to look forward to or talk to is a bit of a drag, I was so used to the ebbs and flows of being disappointed that to a degree I was building up resentfulness and bitter personality traits around the prospects that there was no way out of this situation and I would never find anything in it. I had to hold my tongue more than I should have. I lived in fear of him walking away from me, and low and behold, he did it anyway.

I’m still hurt and I still love him. What gets me are the small memories of elements that are so distinctly him, little worlds that could only ever exist between him and I in songs and places and times that seem out of place, things I will always be haunted by but unable to recreate. There is a vibe to hanging out in a permanent midnight at 7-11 or Plaid Pantry at 2am. Or the way his tone of skin matched with his glasses, his beard, with his long hair around his face, his black eyes and sarcasm, the distinct way his hands felt, the way he walked and engaged with strangers, his skinny legs, just the overall way he approached everyone good or bad. I know it very very well.

I could text him but it wouldn’t make any of the old feelings come back. What we had is broken and I did the best I could to try to talk about that. If he really cared he would apologize and it’s for the best that he doesn’t care that much, or more likely he has this element of pride that will prevent him from admitting any indignity. He’s willing to lose friends over some petty stuff.

I know this is dumb but I can’t help but know that he’s going to miss me for a lot longer, years after all this. I have a way of pushing forward and he has been winding down for some time. He doesn’t have as much to look forward to. I imagine he will have some last ditch relationships that won’t last long in the course of the next few years and then he will have to live with what he’s done to his body (he drank a lot and now he’s losing feeling in his fingers and feet from permanent nerve damage). And I won’t be there. Which when you think about it that way, I get sadder for him. I wish he had been just a bit more forward thinking and connected to himself more. I don’t think he deserves that, but it’s what he’s going to get and he won’t do anything differently.

He’s going to be out one night in some bar and remember that he loved me and that he was dumb and told me he didn’t want to be my friend anymore because I told him in a passive aggressive way that I wanted him to want to see me more and I felt like this had become enormously one sided. Someday nobody is going to want to see him. I don’t think it will change much but I know it’s going to happen.

It’s fine. With what I lost I guess there is quite a bit to gain. It’s just giving up that identity or that certainty. And 2020 was a year when I really really felt lost and he was there. We went to the protests together, we suffered the intense wildfire smoke, we talked every night for so long, that I struggled to sleep without talking to him at least for a few minutes. 2019 was a year of secrets and intimacy and being exhilarated and 2020 was a year where him and I stuck it out and actually got to know each other. When he got a new job though, he like, deleted the friendship with me. I don’t know why, but maybe he met someone new. He started referring to me as a distant friend, and a fuck buddy and then he just stopped referring to me at all. I tried to message him, I told him I needed to talk. He wouldn’t do it. He would ignore those messages, or call me emo. He was warm and friendly at times and sometimes seemed invested like nothing was wrong but it seemed like he just pulled away overall. But he wouldn’t acknowledge it or tell me why. So I sat and stewed and felt abandoned all winter.

Then he started talking to his ex again who I am well acquainted with, who doesn’t know that he was with me afterwards. She still had a thing for him and wasn’t mentally stable. If she could have handled it I would have let her know. She’d sorta moved on, but you know how things like that go. They hadn’t ever not been friends but it felt like he was trying to rekindle something. And I didn’t like that. So I pushed him away, I backtracked all that openness I had had. I was a little humiliated and enraged, I got mad and started preparing an emotional escape. Between being pushed away and having to compete with his ex, I felt better off leaving the situation behind entirely. And I think for me, even though I tried to keep things going, it just died there. That was like a month or two ago now.

When I approached him about not making time to hang out with me in the way I had done for him, or wanting me to invest in him, calling me his girlfriend sometimes but not really wanting to be a boyfriend or acknowledge it at other times, I said I felt used and it wasn’t fair. And that made him tell me he never wanted to talk to me again. It hurt but whatever. It was such a cowardly response. Such a fuck you to every good thing that was worth it in our friendship. He threw me away because I brought up something that made him uncomfortable and he would rather just pretend I didn’t exist than give me any real answer. That was its own cold answer in and of itself I guess. But at least at the end of it he actually said something. I got so used to being half ghosted. At least he just ended it, cowardly or no.

A part of me is afraid though that this will happen to me again. I really really didn’t like losing this relationship. It was the dearest thing to me and letting go didn’t and won’t kill me, but I don’t know how much more of that kind of desolate disillusionment and misery I want to flower my life with. I guess there are only so many things a person can control or know about someone else before becoming invested emotionally.

I’m actually doing better than I thought I would, and I can only see this getting easier. It’s actually easier for me to wake up early, eat well, exercise, and plan my day. Those were hard when we were together, it was either a blissful fog or a heavy dreadful fog, but there was always a brain fog in everything I did with little moments of clarity when we were close. I do well on my own. I’m stronger than him and am capable of making certain kinds of progress that he’s not as disciplined in doing.

I’m almost freaked out about how chill it’s been since, considering how devastated it made me. I was in shock. I guess it’s just that I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I can put this chapter in my life behind me for better or worse. I don’t anticipate his existence in my life too much. I still notice when he is online. I can feel him thinking about me a little, which I know that’s weird. It makes me feel a little vulnerable and sad and a little part of me wishes he would just reach out because he does want me back, but I absolutely cannot put myself in that situation again. Even if I want it, it’s like my body wouldn’t listen. It’s not the side I’m focusing on or listening to but I have dumb naive little feelings at times. He regrets his decision but he isn’t going to step outside of himself to correct it. And if he does I am not interested in hearing him out. He had so many opportunities to talk, so many.

Okay, I’m done using tumblr as an emotional sounding board. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

[katzirra]

Waiting for the place to give me my file list from my hand drive recovery. Made an omelet with asparagus and bacon, and gave the boys a tiny bit for being good this morning and letting me sleep in past 8:06...

Hannibal woke me up with very loudly aggressively loving face rubs which is new, and has been demanding attention all morning by soft paw grabbing and holding my hand while cooking, also new. Usually he's very independent and wants nothing to do with us.

Still concerned with his audible breathing when he's SLIGHTLY distressed, for a cat with obvious anxiety, and when he's picked up or sitting/laying weird. It's very noticeable, and I'm wondering if it has to do with his nasal bridge being a tad flat.

Trying to manifest a good mood. I'm having a big existential crisis about being alive.

Which, I'll just throw that under a cut and pair it with an apology. 🤙✨

I feel like I have no purpose or meaning. Having a lot of those "why bother/what's the point" moments about a lot of things which...the depth of those feelings isn't just apathetic like most people experience? For me it's very much a red flag, so that's been fun. Usually it's doing something as simple as doing something nice for myself, thinking why bother, and having to ARGUE with myself why it matters. Like...having to validate EVERYTHING I do these days is exhausting. Honestly, it's been a low simmer scary JUST KEEP SWIMMING the last few months. But everything I feel is too much to talk to anyone about, and it doesn't HELP me to. It's me. It's my brain. It's scary and I don't like looking the beast directly in the face when people want me to open up. My demon, my problem, trust me when I say I'm trying and that I'm sincere when I say sorry I'm not all here or present.

I'm, like torn between wanting to message my friend first to talk about shit, but I'm also refusing because I was hurt and the comment about shit being too much to read just resonates in my brain yelling "you're not worth their time and effort, you dumb bitch!" because my brain has a FIELD day with that shit. Its.... Kicking a dead horse, repeating myself anyway probably. It hasn't seemed to stick after the last year of me apologizing monthly because I'm just a shit friend who is too busy working and trying to not kill myself. Suicide ideation is a thing, and it SUCKS when it's as invasive as it is for intruding thoughts. But I'll keep apologizing because I feel guilty for not being good enough. Present enough. Engaging enough. Because maybe that time it'll stick??

They'll probably be better off without me making them feel bad because I don't put in enough effort I guess? Which also just hurts because I know online I'm standoffish these days, so I put the extra effort into being a good host I thought and I hoped that mattered. I just feel like no matter what I'm doomed to disappoint them? So I don't mean they'd be better off in a dismissive way, it's a legit...way I think. Like I'm obviously causing distress, and yelling at me won't fix it because it makes me recoil emotionally. So maybe I'm just a bad friend in reality and it is what it is. I'm sorry so many people have fucked me up about inter personal relationships?? I don't know what to do this time because that stupid fight cut me very deep in core values in myself.

It...Fucked me up. And whether that's important to them or not, or whether it has an repercussive weight, whatever. We've both been hurt by people, and been there as much as we'd let eachother. I've tried to be crazy supportive in the last bout of shit they went through. Because I love a bitch, and they matter immensely to me, and I know I suffered alone through a LOT of things like that and know it sucks. I offered my home, attention and time any time I could give it.. Being told i don't give as much as them set weird on my heart in light of that. It hurt.

Idk...And maybe I'm just some dramatic bitch or whatever I guess. Doesn't matter. I matter, my feelings matter. I'm mentally ill and I fucking bust my ass to deal with it, AND be a loving and supportive fixture in people's lives. I suck, sure. But I'm ALWAYS there for people.

I mention I'm depressed or angry at life, sure, but the layers of distress aren't...on display? It's my shit to deal with, if I bring it up, it's for benefit of people knowing why I'm withdrawn usually. I don't talk about myself much anymore because everything is too much and I just start venting. And people don't care that deeply about how fucked up my head is. Or I over share too much. Or yeah, it's a lot to read and I start babbling because the cork is off and I HURT inside just being alive anymore. I don't feel like I'm living my life for me these days. I don't feel alive. I feel stagnant. I'm biding time for SOMETHING to happen??

Yet I'm constantly apologizing to people for not being able to do basic shit, that I'm upfront about being difficult for some dumb reason. I'm always having to explain myself to people. I am in this bubble so often of feeling like I was made wrong, a mistake, missing something important.

Or that I'm a bad person. I'm too open, too closed, withdrawn, outgoing - I can never seem to get the ratio right. And its the kind of discussion I feel leans into self pity and attention grabbing but it's...something I internally struggle with every week and keep to myself.

Oh Kat, get a psychiatrist - I dont know that it would help, honestly. I know 90% of my thoughts and fears are irrational, and pointless. But I know they have valid backing in trauma that I have mostly dealt with, and am unlearning. But I also know I see through people, can identify those markers, and understand outcomes way too easy and that ALSO makes people mad. So. What the fuck is a shrink gonna do for me? My depression is a background white noise to this stuff, and it's honestly just bullshit I deal with. I'm not keen on medication, I'm sure it would help quiet my brain, but I've been dealing with this shit almost 20 years now, ita just the added drama and bullshit from people that exacerbates the emotional brain rash, for lack of a better phrasing. My issues are all behavioral and some depression and anxiety in the mix that I manage.

For all I'm told people understand ahit wrong with me, it sure is something I repeatedly get bitched at over, honestly. And I partially get it, I also find it frustrating. But I've been battling depression since I was 12/13 and learning to stop thinking certain things only since 21, and that's the harder part. I'm not the person people think I am, I wish I was anymore. That bitch died in 2011/2012. That fissure in my foundation fucked me UP. The shaking I had one or two years ago, didn't help.

To be transparently honest the whole shitstorm two weeks ago really hit some raw nerves I'm trying to deal with, and not doing well. Because the more times that nerve is hit the more I don't feel like a valuable person and that I'm wasting people's time. But the reason I'm yelled at is that I am a valuable person, and they want more of my time in a way?? I don't know what people want from me.

Waves hand dismissively - they're being sweethearts by the back door for now.

I'm in a weird place emotionally and mentally. I don't feel alive. I don't feel real. I don't feel valid or... I don't know. Nothing I say or so actually matters in my own life or experiences. I can be an amazing person with communication and intention but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't care, it's like arguing online.

You can have a valid discussion and someone can just say "you're a fucking moron, I'm not listening to this" and you can't do anything.

I just wasted two hours organizing my thoughts qnd emotions into a post that I'll delete in a week. What a great use of my time. I'm juat exhausted.

I turn 31 tomorrow and is rather be dead lmao. I'm so tired of the weight of being alive and aware of the world and people around me. About being considerate and kind to everyone and it's never god damn enough. I bleed myself dry emotionally for everyone and run my mental battery into the ground qnd it's never enough. It's never going to BE enough. I don't want mental.break downs and emotional roller-coasters. I want friends that understand I'm scatterbrained and severely damaged and abused and I'm TRYING. I'm sorry it's never good enough.

I'm so fucking tired these days. I just want to disappear. I want to have an actual breakdown and cry

I haven't actually cried in years. I.... Mm. I feel like.im a shell. I'm so tired. I'm trying AO hard to be a good person and functional and I'm just constantly having more dished and I'm just...what is my purpose qnd point these days. I can't even make people happy.

Tomorrow I'll turn 31. It'll be like any other day. 👍✨

[takerfoxx]

She Ra and the Power of Redemption!

A’ight, so, She-Ra’s coming back in a few days for their final season. Obviously I am SUPER excited about it, but before it drops, I need to get something I’m kind of worried about off my chest.

See, I’ve talked before about my big pet peeve in fiction, in which good or at least sympathetic characters do really bad things and don’t suffer appropriate consequences, sometimes because the writer just doesn’t understand the weight of what happened and wanted to rush a redemption arc or maybe get a little dirt on their heroes without really considering the implications or wanted to do something shocking and was clumsy and/or lazy about or even felt that they were justified even when they clearly weren’t. It’s even killed a few onetime favorite series of mine.

And I see the potential for She-Ra to make that same mistake here. And I think anyone who’s seen the show and has interacted with the fandom knows what I’m talking about.

I’m talking of course about Catra and Hordak’s potential redemption arcs.

Catra’s redemption is topic number one with the fans, because everyone wants to see it, but most people want to see it done right. The Catradora thing is the fuel on which the fandom runs, and I know quite a few people that would pop dem bottles if it were to become canon. And I totally get it: Catra is a magnificently written character, one who is super compelling, complex, and sympathetic, and her dynamic with Adora is just dripping with all sorts of tension. It’s the best friends to lovers AND enemies to lovers in the same package. Who wouldn’t want to see it?

Except, there is a problem...

See, one thing I have highly praised this show for is how, despite being a show targeted toward little girls, it paints a very realistic picture of abusive relationships and handles the subject with all the seriousness it deserves, from how they’re formed to how they continue to how the cycle goes from abuser to victim to next victim to so on. Horde Prime abused Hordak, Hordak abused Shadow Weaver, Shadow Weaver abused Catra and Adora, Adora broke free while Catra did not, Catra then abused Scorpia, Entrapta, Lonnie, Kyle, Rogelio, you get the picture. And they show it so wonderfully, in all of its forms.

But that leads us to that problem, and that is despite definitely being a victim of abuse, and despite all of her sympathetic qualities, Catra is still a terrible person! She became as much an abuser as Shadow Weaver, with how awfully she treated Scorpia, with backstabbing Entrapta and manipulating Hordak, with bullying her subordinates, to everything she’s done to Adora and all the lives she ruined from her exploits as Hordak’s second in command. She masterminded the destruction of Salineas, sent Entrapta off to die, treated the only person who has given her unconditional love like shit. Her damage and insecurities have driven her to worse and worse behavior, up and to including almost destroying the fucking world just so Adora couldn’t win again! TWICE!

Basically, after handling the abuse themes so well, it would really, really suck for her to just be taken back and forgiven like nothing had happened or only minor consequences after she inevitably switched sides, because that carries the message, however unintentional, that abuse victims should forgive and take back their abusers, that it’s up to them to be the bigger person and invite those who hurt them back into their lives, which history has only shown will just restart the cycle all over again.

However, all of that does not mean I don’t think Catra is beyond hope, or that she shouldn’t be redeemed at all. She is absolutely a victim of all the terrible treatment Shadow Weaver and Hordak put her through since childhood, be it physical, mental, or emotional, and I am NOT about to hold an emotionally traumatized teenager to the same standards I would hold those more fortunate. Plus, we’ve seen how much her actions haunt her, from her nightmares about Entrapta to her psychological breakdowns to everything Double Trouble exposed about her. And I do truly want what’s best for her.

So how should the show go about it? Well, I think my half-joking wishlist from earlier just about covered it: after switching sides and helping the Alliance ward off the Horde, Catra should leave. Whether or not she makes amends with Adora, whether or not she’s forgiven, Catra needs to leave those she’s hurt and go somewhere else to start over, to separate herself from those she has so many insecurities about and work on bettering herself. Because after everything she’s done, she really does need to put in a lot of work in order to properly fix herself before she can even think of reforging relationships with Adora or Scorpia or Entrapta. 

And honestly, I still think the Crimson Waste is perfect for her. She thrived while down there. And it does seem like it’s been set up specifically for her. And then...maybe a few years down the line, after she’s come to grips with herself...well, we’ll see.

Now, as for Hordak...

Look, I like the guy, I honestly do. His relationship with Entrapta gave me life, seeing how he was literally grown in a vat to be Space Hitler Jr., it’s no wonder that he turned out like he did. 

Buuuuut...he’s still a murderous despot with buckets of blood on his hands. I’m sorry, but he can’t have a switch sides, now it’s all good happy ending. He just can’t. 

Fortunately, even though he was far worse, his possible redemption has an easier solution. You know how Horde Prime restored him to factory settings, wiping his mind and sending him off to be processed or whatever?

What if he stays that way? What if he never gets his memories back? What if Hordak, the evil conquering dictator that ruined so many lives, just stays gone? But the newly wiped Hordak, upon encountering Entrapta, is able to recall just enough to know that he cares for her, prompting him to break free from Horde Prime’s control for her sake? Call it the Kubo and the Two Strings solution.

As for Shadow Weaver...no. Just no. She has no redeeming qualities at all. Everything bad that ever happened to her are a direct result of her own actions, she doesn’t have the brainwashed/designed that way excuse that Catra and Hordak have, she’s never done a single decent thing since becoming Shadow Weaver, and even after switching sides has continued to manipulate Glimmer and gaslight Adora. No redemption for her. And since Noelle has said that she hates killing off characters, I don’t see her getting killed either.

So just swap her for Angella. Send her to the other dimension and get our girl back.

And as for Entrapta and Double Trouble...dude, I don’t even know. Like, they also did bad things, but they’re kind of in their own weird moral worlds, and I don’t want to let them off the hook but also can’t fathom how that would even work...

You know what? They’re the weird exceptions that prove the rule, I guess.

(also note that even if they botch this, it probably won’t kill the show for me, as it’s still a kid’s show and it has built up a ton of good will, so my overall feelings will still be very positive, I’d just be bummed that they dropped the ball in this one, albeit very important, area)

[border-spam]

Leech Lord AU

Tyreen Calypso / Tyreen DeLeon / God Queen Calypso / Holy Mother Tyreen (differences from canon)

List of character traits and  world-building facets for this character within my AU that differ from / are of more importance than in canon. 

One of these coming for Seifa shortly. Same AU as all other twins content I’ve written. TW: drug use.

Troy’s is HERE

Traits: ✓ Positive x Negative:

✓x Confidence is not a façade.

Unlike her twin, Tyreen's self confidence is rock solid to an unquestionable level. Her God Queen persona is not an act, it's her natural disposition ramped into overdrive.

✓ Highly Empathic.

Ty is very emotionally charged as a person, and is notably in-tune in general to the energies of people she is in proximity with. She has always used this to her advantage, capable of reading a room very cleanly and modifying her behavior and approach to play on the emotional state of others.

✓ Excellent Actor.

Her enjoyment of positive attention since childhood nurtured her into a very convincing natural performer. She can switch her emotion worryingly easily from sorrow to mirth, and it can be difficult to tell at times which is the actual genuine state she is feeling.

✓ Extremely Adaptable.

Tyreen is almost impossible to deter as she automatically approaches any situation with complete belief she will overcome it. She is not easily stopped by plans going awry or not panning out, and rarely breaks momentum. Ty is so naturally assured of achieving whatever goal she is aiming for, that she see's barriers others would see as impassable, as mere setbacks.

✓ Highly Charismatic.

Her ability to draw the billions of worshippers that now compose the COV is no fluke. Between her natural charisma and intuition, and the excellently researched scripts and persona Troy writes for her, Tyreen is extremely magnetic to others.

✓ Natural  Leader.

Her rock solid self confidence and personal strength makes Tyreen highly attractive to those looking for guidance and a personality they can lean on. Her royalty is unquestionable, she was born to be a God Queen, and is very, very aware of it.

x Incapable of admitting fault.

Ty's extreme self confidence and regard for her own opinion means she cannot face failure. She will aggressively, to at times a physically violent level, defend her actions and beliefs regardless of whatever evidence is presented to her that shows she is incorrect or made a mistake.

x Easily loses control of herself in high pressure situations.

Her highly emotionally charged and empathic personality can leave her unable to control her reactions when under stress or pressure. While Troy's response to conflict or risk is to become exceptionally calm and dangerously in control, his twin's is the opposite. Tyreen can easily descend into screeching, violent tantrums, or lash out physically and verbally at people she sees as the source of the emotion she is currently experiencing, regardless of if they are at fault. She is often a danger to herself and others, and cannot be trusted to stay in control when stressed.

x Self centered.

Tyreen's galaxy revolves around Tyreen. Tyreen is Tyreen's universe. She's aware that there are people she should value, she should value Troy, she should value Seifa, she should value the other Saints like Mouthpiece, but she does not feel that value. This can lead to her questioning herself at times, there is concern eating her internally that maybe she actually doesn't feel anything for anyone else, but she knows that's wrong. She knows that's weird, and Tyreen isn't a freak, so she avoids dwelling on it.

x Manipulative.

Tyreen learned at an early age that getting what she wanted was easier if she played on what the other person wanted too. She's woven this so tightly into who she is over time, that she is no longer really aware of when she's actually manipulating someone, Troy being the most common victim. If you asked her, she'd convince you she was being completely genuine and had the other person's needs at heart. It's a lie.

x Illogical.

Her firm belief that she is automatically correct and infallible is a huge threat to her, and despite having endured injury and hardships over the years due to not listening to advice or ignoring facts in favor of her own opinion, she is not open to changing.

x Greedy.

While The Leech has amplified this negative trait 100 fold, it's still one of Tyreen's natural characteristics. Her greed by mid COV is insatiable, her hunger impossible to extinguish. Nothing will ever be enough. Any satisfaction she finally feels at achieving or gaining something she has lusted for is short lived, The Leech consuming the sensation and leaving her chasing it desperately again. She is endlessly spiraling downwards, she can never be content. She is cursed.

x Values her life over anyone else.

Tyreen has built her throne on the bones of family. She has opened her arms to billions, given lost souls the belonging they craved, become a mother to the heaving masses of damaged minds across the Galaxy, but it does not contain a single person she would die for. There is no one she wouldn't kill to survive. Leda knew. Typhon knows. Troy... Troy would snap your neck before you managed to finish asking if he does.

Backstory:

Bl3 canonical backstory till landing on Pandora where the AU begins, with additional points of:

Completely incapable of physical contact with any living organism bar Troy. Her power is wildly uncontrollable, and absorbs through any barrier within seconds. Its been this ravenous since the day it first revealed itself when the twins were 8 years old, and has never given her a moment of relief from its constant hunger since.

Did not receive as much attention as she deserved as a young child due to her parents needing to provide constant care to her deathly ill twin. Tyreen suffered in silence for a long time during this period, too immature to be able to explain to her mother and father how she felt.

The Leech negatively warps her over time as it feeds within. Tyreen would have blossomed into an extroverted, empathic, loudly spoken center of attention without its influence as she grew. A positive, if slightly needy woman, with an irresistible charisma and penchant for theatrics. Her feelings for Troy would not have decayed into something so grotesque, and she could have been happy. Her insatiable, yearning, demanding half of The Leech has doomed her to inescapable misery.

Personal:

Likes:

Positive attention and recognition.

Care or concern towards her emotional state, or mental/physical wellbeing.

Very few foods, but has a great love for citrus fruits and cured meats.

Textured fabrics, her inability to touch others has over time left her quite sensitive to tactile sensations, and she is a huge fan of expensive, high end fabrics and clothing created from them

Smoking. While she has little appetite for food or drink, joints and clove cigarettes are her go to relaxants. She enjoys the physical sensation of holding and smoking one, as well as the mental relief provided by the herbs Troy grows and dries for her.

Horrendously bad romance movies. The more cringe, the better. She's seen everything, and forced her brother to watch at least half. She knows in a way she's living vicariously through them, but it feels like an innocent pleasure.

Interacting with her fans and worshippers. Tyreen is very loving and open towards the COV cultists, and genuinely sees them as the family she was able to choose to have. This doesn't change that she values them less than insects however, and she's as likely to pause for a selfie with one as she is to husk them seconds later.

Dislikes:

x Her natural hair colour.

The dark brown was Leda's. Her eye shape is Leda's. Her mouth is Leda's. She doesn't want to see her mother in the mirror, so she's focused on those parts of her that remind her the most for changes in her aesthetic. Bleach, heavy eye makeup, liner to try and alter her lip shape. Tyreen is happy with her appearance, but it's her appearance she wants to see. Not the memory of her greatest fault.

x Being challenged.

While Ty is aware there are people who's opinion's she needs to heed, like Troy and Seifa in the earlier years of the COV, she doesn't like following their instructions. It's a personal insult to her deepest core when she has to choose to not follow her own volition. Over time, it breeds contempt inside her that she doesn't care enough to quell. A trusted advisor will become someone to eventually mock, a valued sibling or mentor will become the enemy, a burden, someone she knows better than. Tyreen hates so easily, it's like breathing.

x Being looked down on.

Tyreen is a God. There is no question, no space for disbelief. She is a deity, she is not human, she transcends that term. Ten billion people across the galaxy praise her hallowed name nightly, so the idea of some corporate scum fucking bastard acting like he's above her in a meeting room, sitting in a suit he thinks is showing off his wealth when she could literally buy the company that made it, is an insult she cannot bare. Troy has to accompany Tyreen in any face to face interaction with a sponsor. He has to do the talking, he has to control the situation. Without her twin to maintain her calm, Tyreen would tear these people to chunks of viscera. She cannot abide mockery.

x Her Father.

While Typhon genuinely believes he did his best for the twins and was trying to protect them from the horrors of the Galaxy, he has ended up becoming the focal point of every single thing Tyreen loathes. The indignity of being controlled by this tiny, weak little man. The insult of being caged on a planet he decided to enslave her on. The shame towards the overbearing control and fear he showed her as she grew up on Nekrotafeyo. She hates him. She hates him. She hates him.

x Her Brother.

Troy took everything she could have been away from her. It's that simple. He did. There is no way to defend what happened. Regardless of her consuming him in the womb, regardless of what he wanted or not, he crippled her for life. He destroyed her Siren power, he stole her future, he tore any happiness she could ever have felt away from her, and left her with nothing but hunger, and hatred, and need. He's also the only person in the universe who knows her. He's the only person who cares for her. She despise him so much, she despises him so much that it almost feels like love.

x. Herself.

Not human. Not divine. Just a Leech. Just a fucking monster.

Physical differences to canon:

- Scarring is more noticeable:

Ty was glassed in the face in their first week on Pandora. Their first week. One of their earliest attempts to approach a bandit camp, and she'd had a broken bottle swung at her before she could even open her mouth to start Troy's rehearsed speech. It was also the first time she'd husked after landing, and was in self defense while the blood blinded her. The scars across her nose are jagged, and a little more set into her cheeks in depth.

- Left hand has long term damage:

Her hand sustained severe damage in a childhood incident. The white glove she wears is more to hide what she perceives as a weakness than to protect others from her powers. Cloth does practically nothing to prevent The Leech  consuming what she touches, a lesson she learned the hard way in the trauma that lead to her fingers being crushed.

- Troy was attached to her stomach:

Tyreen began to absorb Troy early in the pregnancy before her Siren power flowed into him when they had merged enough for it to consider them the same being. He was attached shoulder to her sternum, and was born with her wrapped around his smaller body. Separating them did no long term damage to Tyreen, unlike her twin, but she has a massive puckered scar running from below her sternum to her navel. This is very cool if you ask her, and the sole reason she doesn't display it is to keep their origins secretive, not due to any form of shame.

Asks are open! Any regarding AU will prob get priority for now as I work to flesh it as we go

[naturaldisasterfanfiction]

34.

My daughters cry really scared me awake, I swear she be having me jump out of bed, but this cry really had me shook, jogging around the bed “huh” I said looking at the bed, Robyn is not there either “hey, angel eyes. What is wrong” my daughter is crying, with real tears “hey, come here” picking Fenty out of the crib “ok, ok. Its ok, daddy is here” her eyes scrunched up, tears are literally coming out of her eyes “hey, princess. Hey” placing Fenty just against my chest, her cries slowly soothed “it’s ok, you had a bad nightmare baby” shushing her, she slowly calmed down and her cries eased as the skin to skin contact just calmed her down, she needed soothing. My heart right now, she is so sad, lightly wiping her tear that barely dropped but was there “it’s ok, I am here” Fenty just stared at me, her eyes are all Robyn, I love it. When I just stare into her eyes I am just looking at Robyn “your eye colour is always different, I think you will have your momma eyes. Are you ok now?” she needed some reassurance, some cuddles and love “now where is your mother, she done left me in bed” Robyn’ family left, they didn’t stay long which was good that they did actually go but I think Robyn wanted her mom to stay behind, but I think her team will be coming today, well I know Mel is “you have sparkly eyes my daughter, you really do” I grinned, she is just growing and there is always something different with her “let’s go and see if your milk supplier is awake, but first my baby. I need to wrap you in a blanket because it’s a little cold” placing Fenty down on the bed, if I remember how to swaddle, Robyn did show me but I at times don’t pay attention “we can sit in front of the fire once we get down” grabbing the blanket, Fenty whimpered a little. She is not happy at all; she must have had something spook her like that.

I know Robyn has been sad about her family, I am glad they have left but I think she expected more from them. Like I know for a fact my family is trash so I do expect them to be like that but I think Robyn just gives too much, she gives her heart to those people that will do that to her, she’s been ever so sad about her dad and brother but let them trash be gone, who cares. But I am trying to be so nice to her, that’s my wife so whatever I feel for her family I need to not mention it “angel eyes! My beautiful Angel” Fenty is just staring at me in complete silence, she is calm now “I didn’t like that Fenty, really upset me that you was so sad” my heart right now, she is just staring at me with heart eyes, my daughter looks in love, with me “let’s see what your momma is doing, I hope she is not sad like you” walking into the living room, the main one anyways. The TV is on, so she is here. Peaking over the couch, she is asleep in the corner watching real housewives “what is she like” I sighed out, walking around the couch. Robyn is such a mouth breather, the way she has the nerve to sleep with her whole mouth open “can daddy put you in your lounger?” Placing the lounger on the couch “I will be just here” carefully placing Fenty in the lounger, I think she should be ok. Turning to Robyn, the mother breather. She doesn’t snore anymore though, but she certainly doesn’t stop her mouth from being wide open like this, stroking her cheek smiling. I wonder why she came downstairs to sleep, I am confused on why, was it me. She has her arms over her stomach, she is just knocked out.

Sitting down on the couch next to Fenty in the lounger “hey baby, are you ok now? You seem so much at peace, I love you. Yes I do, I love you so much” she loves her lounger so much, whatever upset her she is now content with herself “your mom watches some shit” taking off her show, she be on some shit, she likes to watch these ugly ass shows and likes to see some bitches fight. Placing the remote at the side of me as I sat back and moved closer to the lounger “what shall we speak about, life? Well life is good Fenty, I think you are the most blessed girl in the world, your mother is Rihanna, like I know people hype it up about Beyonce” I said in whisper “but, I think your momma is better. She is just the most loving woman ever, like I think back in our teenage days, she was very feisty, but she is calm now, she just wants to be happy. She looks after me too” I grinned looking over at Fenty, it’s just a weird feeling to be seeing my daughter just stare at me with heart eyes, it’s like she wants to speak to me “I know, we think alike. I wish a lot though Fenty, I wish I didn’t have kids outside of this. I mean I do love my kids, but I feel like Robyn didn’t deserve to be a step mother, I feel bad. I wish it were just you, I wish a lot, but I am going to do right by you, like I haven’t had the chance to be so hands on, like now. I hope you grow up to love me, like at times I can be a big weird guy but deep down I am just confused” nodding my head “like trying to figure out shit” I sighed out “I want to do good by you Fenty, I really do. They say you feel a different love, but I have felt it this time. With you I have” it’s weird but I feel like Fenty understands “thank you for coming to my talk” I chuckled, she is my heart.

Fenty is refusing milk, like I didn’t think a baby would refuse milk and I didn’t think that could happen but it is, she is crying when I try and give it her, she is moving her head away too but I don’t want to force feed her “what is wrong with you today, you are hungry. This is your feeding time Fenty, stop being hard headed. If you continue to be hard headed then you will get a forehead like your mother” Fenty furrowed her eyebrows, she is not impressed with what I said. Trying it again, placing the bottle near Fenty’ lips, she took to the bottle but then did it again “wow, what is this Fenty!?” I am concerned, I don’t like this “you need some comfort, I am going to have to wake your mother” Robyn seems so comfortable asleep and here I am can’t feed her, I failed at this shit, it’s wack that I have” getting up from the couch “Robyn, baby” Fenty whined out and started to cry in my arms “Robyn, hey” I said before Fenty cried out loudly which shook Robyn awake “what is it?” Robyn said in shock, she didn’t expect me all in her face “Fenty won’t drink from me” I mumbled, Robyn got up from the couch slowly “it’s ok” Robyn said, I feel all sad myself now that I failed to do this and had to wake her.

Watching Robyn breastfeeding Fenty instead, I feel sad and horny. This is a weird mix to feel, I get kind of turned on seeing Robyn boobs and it’s getting to me. I am not sure if to go and jerk myself off or continue to watch “I think she just needed some comfort; she is ok. You didn’t do anything wrong” I heard what Robyn said but I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything, I am just staring at her boob, I wish that were me to be honest just sucking on them “Chris!” Robyn poked my arm, looking over at Robyn “mhmm” looking over at Robyn “are you listening to me?” nodding my head smiling a little “then why were you just staring at me, are you staring at my boobs again? These things are your daughters now, sorry” pulling a face at Robyn “whatever you say but I can’t wait to have sex, I am literally feeling it” Robyn eyed me up “I can tell by your dick, but anyways. It was never you, like you said she was a little sad earlier from crying and getting scared so don’t think it was you” nodding my head “you sure I can’t just like stick my tip in?” shaking her head “no, I will help you?” I laughed shuffling off of the bed “I am good, you just rest with Fenty, you both are restless. Stop thinking too about your dad ok” my dick is hard as fuck.

I have been feeling a little shit about things with my family, I expected so much more from my family, I wanted so much more from my family coming and it’s hurt me. I have done nothing but love and be there for them and my brother and dad couldn’t just do it for me, forget about Chris but what about me. I have done nothing but pay for them, love them, helped them emotionally too. I have always done it for them but when it came to me it was all silent, it was all guns blazing for Chris, it was lets tell the world Chris and Rihanna left the house with their newborn, make out like I was making a bad decision to take my daughter out, had me on the blogs like that. That was all down to my dad, he didn’t even apologise, he ran off. My dad used me again, I always cave in and let him do it but that is because I have a good heart, he actually never said sorry. He used his own granddaughter for his own gain, I am annoyed. I will not let that happen again. Not to my daughter, I allowed my family to do that. I can’t believe I let that happen, I let people I thought would love me and love my daughter into our lives. I have been hard on myself; I really have and it’s making me stressed out, I can’t even deal with it.

Chris literally brightens my day, he makes me laugh “I love you” he kissed my cheek as he sat on the bed “I love you too, are you ok?” I asked, he was up early. I hope he hasn’t been jerking off too much “I was thinking once my team arrives. I think you and I need to spend a little time together, not in that way. But I can do other things. I trust them more then my own family, Mel will protect her so then we can just snuggle and have some us time. I feel like at times we don’t spend time, it’s like we do but we don’t like we don’t get spoilt, we are living if you know what I mean. I don’t mind it, but I wan to just spend time with you, I want to know you’re ok mentally and physically. Also I need it, just to sleep through together, to sleep in” Chris smiled at me “I would love that, honestly I would” he is so cute “don’t worry, I will spoil my husband. I see it, you do so much for me too and I appreciate it. It does not go unnoticed” hearing my phone ring “can you get my phone for me, I got Fenty here, then I will have to move her” Chris pecked my lips as he got up from the bed, he is my baby. I swear I want to baby him so much; he is a grown baby. Fenty on the other hand she is just laying on the bed staring at the ceiling “it’s Jen, hey. I will pass it to Robyn” Chris held out my phone to me “my wife is on the phone, don’t jump Chris. She is on the bed” he is here climbing on the bed at his big age “hi my wife” placing my phone against my ear “I miss you so much, god. Anyways, I have something. I sent it to your email, can you check it now please? It’s important, Tina was going to call you, but I said let me do it, it’s urgent and I need you to check it now. I wish I were calling you on better terms but please now” looking at Chris “I am sorry Chris; can you get me my laptop. Please” he just sat down “ugh! Bring back Tina yo” I chuckled.

Chris shuffled closer to me as we waited for the laptop to load up “I will put you on speakerphone, don’t be loud. Where are you? Mel is coming today; I think Jah too. Not sure but my team is coming back, aren’t you?” placing my phone on the bed “I am coming, I am just packing. I want to hug Fenty so much” opening up my emails “wait, it’s early morning over there, this must be very important then” seeing Jen’ email “ok, I can see your email. Is it something that I won’t like? Is it something Tina could do?” I don’t know why but I have a bad feeling about this, my heart is telling me “so I was going to bed but then Tina called me and asked me what to do. Robyn, all we know it’s an exclusive to The Sun magazine, we are on it” clicking on the email, I just have a horrible feeling. Tapping on the picture file, watching it load up until I saw the image “no!” I shouted slamming the laptop shut, staring at the laptop in shock “how the fuck, yo Jen. How!?” Chris said, I am in shock that I feel physically sick seeing my daughter on a newspaper cover “not my daughter, I want them sued, you stop this! Stop it now!” I shouted, not my daughter’ picture.