#now i have so many things to get done but i feel like i'm paralyzed by anxiety so i'm on bed like that pic of tiffany pollard kfhkjcx

[flynniganrider]

make turkey slay again!

[brujamala-aka-gigi]

sea bunny plushies and random tarot messages

( ( i had to take some time off because life was being too exhausting but now i'm back with my pac readings, missed tumblr so much tbh. ) )

so: pick a sea bunny plushie and let's see what random pieces of advice you can get from the tarot.

number 1 number 2 number 3

number 4 number 5 number 6

꒰ঌ ✦ scroll down for the results ໒꒱ ༘*.ﾟ

-ˋˏ ༻ ❁ Masterpost and Tarot Menu ❁༺ ˎˊ-

images are from pinterest and dividers are by @nicodefresas

reblog if you enjoyed this reading or if you enjoy sea bunny plushies <3

༘⋆♡⸝⸝💌⊹。°˖➴

꒰ BUNNY NUMBER ONE ꒱ؘ ࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

Being overly confident and reliant on thoughts that don’t come from healthy spaces is understandable if you’re in a desperate rush to find stability in your life. But sometimes these ideas will make you unable to move further, especially if moving on involves the questioning of such toxic beliefs. It is quite normal to find comfort in what we already know, but just because something is normalized (on the outside world or on your inner world) it doesn’t mean it’s healthy, or that it’s actually genuine to you. Even if your ambitions are coherent, take time to reflect on how you understand and conceptualize your own struggle and your path to success.

꒰ BUNNY NUMBER TWO ꒱ؘ ࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

Neglecting healthy conversations about your emotions for the sake of other’s comfort is definitely stunting the development of many unrelated matters, not recognizing the importance of preserving your mental and emotional stability, is taking a toll on other aspects of your life. You’re giving away too much of your energy to people and places that won’t make an effort to comprehend the real complexity and validity of your purest emotions. Even if you feel like you’ve recently been too emotional, that won’t be solved by dissociating yourself from something so human and natural as feelings are.

꒰ BUNNY NUMBER THREE ꒱ؘ ࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

This is a great moment to understand that it’s okay if you are not entirely sure on what to do next with your life. Taking the time to rest or taking an entirely new direction is also part of your own life path. Don’t expect answers that will come from outside yourself, you will find more clarity if you focus on building your own spaces of comfort and growth with the resources and people you already have in your life. Don’t look for things that are not meant to find you yet, find the time to take care and nurture what’s already there for you to help you grow.

꒰ BUNNY NUMBER FOUR ꒱ؘ ࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

Even if it is quite undesirable to be in situations where you have to embrace chaos and accept uncertainty, it is helpful to understand that uninterrupted stability eventually begins to feel like stagnation. Situations of conflict are necessary on time to time in order to test the value and strength of anything. It’s key to understand that what’s needed in moment’s of instability is not a toxic sense of optimism and hope, but more so an objective analysis of  what can be done since the problem is giving an opportunity to fix what’s broken and check what could break next.

꒰ BUNNY NUMBER FIVE ꒱ؘ ࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

Your decision taking abilities might be affected by a false sense of urgency on time to time. If your mind is moving too quickly and it seems like there’s only few options where you have to go all in, just know that it’s likely that you are not thinking completely straight. Being paralyzed and stuck on unhealthy thought patterns is keeping you away from seeing the full picture. The overly rationalized insecurities and negative self talk might be unperceivable due to it being incorporated as normal and healthy “self criticism”. Is not, and it’ll affect your life negatively.

꒰ BUNNY NUMBER SIX ꒱ؘ ࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

It’s okay to embrace the simple pleasures in life and feel confident in material success, yet being overly fixated on this will take away many opportunities to develop a deeper perspective on many issues you might be wilfully ignoring. Don’t allow yourself to change your core beliefs in order to appease hedonistic needs, as this will bring you to periods of stagnation. Take the time to establish your priorities and keep them in mind whenever anything feels too good to be true, if you don’t care for your success, nobody else will.

Hey hiii, it's me, Gigi. I hope you enjoyed this reading and you found something helpful or entertaining on it. In all honesty, im so so soo obsessed with those plushies like, i couldn't resist the urge to use them as visuals for this post i dont care how unserious it seems.

anyways, i'm back to being cronically online, my bookings are open so check my tarot menu if you're interested. and my masterpost has all my pac readings so far if you're into them.

if you feel like reblogging and liking this post, i appreciate the shit out of that and i love you.

i think i don't have much else to say, other than hi im back, missed this place so much.

so,,, bye <3 much love, gigi.

[yan-lorkai]

Good Morning/afternoon/evening! Can I request a headcanon with a reader who comes back to Twst (after they have returned to their world) and finds yandere Idia made a robot (like Ortho) that looks like them and have the same personality as them? Thanks! ✨💖

Returning to Twisted Wonderland this time was a choice you made after thinking and rethinking the pros and cons, after remembering everything you would be leaving behind. But the pros were greater than the cons, at least you thought. And when you came back, you knew what you wanted to do, look for Idia.

It wasn't really difficult to imagine where he would be, even though a few months had passed you knew he wouldn't have changed that much. However, you should have known how wrong things were when you saw Ortho and he looked surprised, and fearful, trying to dissuade you from opening the door. Trying to keep you from seeing what his brother had done.

But his attempt was futile. You opened the door, received Idia's permission and entered. But nothing could have prepared you to find your own face staring back at you when you entered Idia's room, the emulated expression of surprise making everything more uncomfortable. You and Idia were paralyzed for different reasons, inert, not knowing how to react. However, you recovered faster while he were still processing the entire situation.

"What the fuck is this?" You curse as you look with a mix of admiration and apprehension at your copy. Every little detail was exactly perfect, the same as the original, the same skin tone, the same hair, even the gestures were the same. It wouldn't matter if Idia had a plausible explanation for this, it was clear that he had created a robot to take your place to fill the void in his chest when you left. And it made you feel a little sorry for him, just a little.

"W-well, you see..." Idia can only mutter and whisper gibberish, his hair turning completely pink at being caught with such a strange creation. All this while said creation continues to maintain an impeccable posture, erect and proud, observing you, analyzing.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, my name is Yuu." The robot introduces themselves, without knowing or noticing the tension around them. It's so strange. There is no life behind those eyes like there is in Ortho, it is empty and dull plastic. It's uncomfortable to look at. "I'm Idia's lover and we're planning our wedding for after we graduate. Should we invite them, honey?"

Silence. It's embarrassing, invasive and wrong, this all felt too much, should you feel betrayed? Sad? Happy? Or honored that Idia created yet another robot? You didn't know at that moment. All you knew was that you needed to get out of there and you needed it now. But the door was now closed and locked, and no matter how many times you open it or yell at Idia nothing works. He has you now, he doesn't want to let you leave again. He can take your fear, he can take even your hate but having you leave again, even if only for your old dorm? That he can't handle. He won't.

"Prototype Yuu, shut down." He announces, finally recovering from his shock. He acts nonchalantly but you know he feels really awkward and anxious. "Listen, we can talk about it. It's not what it looks like."

You scoff. "Lover? Marriage? Yeah, it's exactly what it looks like, Idia. You created a robot that looks like me, that sounds like me. Because you still don't know how to deal with loss and you need comfort in the only way you know how to receive it."

Touché. He looks like a wounded dog that you kicked. But you find that you don't care at all. "You didn't have to call me out like that, you know." He mumbles but doesn't deny how right you are. "Plus how I was supposed to live without you? I felt so empty, so cold. But I didn't want to stop you from going home because it would hurt you. I can always destroy this prototype if you want, just please don't leave me again!"

He grabs both of your hands, holding onto them as if they were his lifesavers that keep him above the water so he won't drown while he stare at you without blinking, tiny little tears starting to run down his face. Now, can you forgive him or not?

[theramseyloft]

Hello, i stumbled upon your account in a quest to find some information and tips on caring for mating pet pigeons. I can't find any resources on that and it's unfortunate. I was caring for a female pet pigeon then i got her a male pigeon so they can have fun together while I'm not home. It took around a week until they got familiar with eachother and she accepted him. Now I'm in desperate need for information on what to do and how to care for them while mating. What type of nests, material etc

Gonna go ahead and add the continuation of this question here, so I can answer them all at once.

[Cont.] : what type of nest i should get? I couldnt find one big enough for my pigeon so i got her a rabbit nest, but i feel like they need a bigger one so they can nest together in it, they now take turns to sleep in it and the other sleeps on the floor(tray). Also i heard something about 3 days after they lay eggs i should clean the nest? I am total beginner at this so i appreciate any help and tips i can get for the whole process. Thank you so much for your time have a good day :) 🙏🏼✨️

I am sorry this took so long to answer!

I have just not had time through the ongoing move.

First and formost!

Breeding hens and developing babies need a TON of calcium!

Mom is about to lay two eggs bigger than her head, that don't just have shells basically made of bone material, there is even more bone material inside the shell to begin building the baby's skeleton!

Her body does not care where it comes from!

If there is not enough calcium reserved from her diet, her body will leach it from her bones to make and fill the egg shell!

Bird bones are hollow!

Shrink hers enough, and the eggs can't pass through the pelvic girdle anymore!

This is what causes egg binding, and egg binding is often fatal!

SO many chemical processes in the body rely on calcium!

Your nerves firing relies on calcium!

A hen with calcium deficiency can be paralyzed after egg laying!

Your job as the care taker of a sexually mature hen is to prevent this!

MAKE SURE she has as much as she can get hold of to support her through the construction of eggs and pre-skeleton goo!

TSC sells crushed oyster shell by the 10-50lb bag.

Most pet stores with a herp section have drops that you can add to the water or directly give the bird if you do notice signs of egg related deficiency.

Offer crushed calcium in a separate dish in the feeding aria, or sprinkle a pinch on top of daily meals for a breeding pair.

The rabbit nest is actually perfect!

Pigeons don't nest together when there are actually eggs or peeps in the nest, or even when there are about to be.

While one sits, the other typically is out foraging so that they are well enough fed and hydrated to sit through their own four to six hour shift on the eggs, once their partner is done.

So, at the moment, things are going pretty ideally for your pair.

As for materials, that depends on whether or not you want the eggs to hatch.

It sounds like you do, so the ideal nesting material is some kind of densely packed straw.

Wheat straw is cheap and commonly available, the basic, serviceable, no frills nest material.

Alfalfa hay smells very pleasant, is SUPER oder absorbent, dries up accidental nest poops by the adults and inevitable baby mess quickly, and pigeons love the texture, but humans can get contact dermatitis (and allergic rash) from it.

Pine straw doesn't pack or absorb very well, but it repels bugs and pigeons love the texture.

You need something the peeps can grip.

They are very bulky and start out with rubber bones, so if their little feet slide out to the side on a flat surface, the bones can harden into that shape as they grow and solidify, which is hideously painful and will leave the babies unable to walk.

The bowl shape that the parents shuffle adorably into the straw their nest box is packed with structurally supports the positions of the babies' legs.

Once the eggs are laid, leave the nest alone.

It does not need to be cleaned until the babies are about two weeks old.

Prior to that point, they cannot maintain their own body heat, and parents spooked off the nest by a bedding change can result in peeps dying in less than an hour of hypothermia.

You can reach gently under the parent to briefly touch or hold the peep, but try not to move the nest itself or disturb the materials if you can avoid it.

Pigeon parents will fight God over their chicks, and if the chick is all you touch, they will just try to sit down harder.

Pet the peep, give it a quick health check, and out it back.

you can start extending these handling sessions as it grows.

At two weeks, the babies can keep themselves warm, and both parents will be away from the nest eating most of the time, only returning to feed every few hours or so until the peeps wean.

This is your cuddle window.

Baby pigeons like to cuddle, and socializing them this way gives them a much more mentally sound and emotionally stable developmental foundation.

Be warned!

Pigeons are insanely prolific!

From sex to fertile egg takes 5 days.

Peeps hatch in 18 days.

They typically wean between 4 and 5 weeks, depending on breed, and are fully flighted at 5 weeks.

Around week 2 or 3, mom starts inviting dad to mate with her again so she's ready to lay the next clutch the second the peeps leave the nest. (Sometimes even a little before!)

Fake eggs are going to be your best friend, if you don't want to be completely over run! (Trust me, you do not!!!)

For reference, my phone number is 706-993-7452.

I will answer non emergency questions here as time permits me, but if you are worried for the wellbeing of your birds, my phone is always on, and it lives next to my pillow at night.

so don't hesitate to ask if you have more questions.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

OK OK OK OK OK. wibby thoughts. wibby bisection thoughts. we could just like vivisect him this time. fucking shit like that. have his guts and stuff all over the forest.

as i've said ummm. fucking around with passengers Is gonna come up a bit at some point (doesn't feel like a spoiler to say? i mean. bonesaw is Literally Here) so i won't say much, but bonesaw literally does say in snare 13.9:

so. yeah!!!!!!!!!! yeah!!!!!!! that could fucking happen!!! if the trickster has control over someone like bonesaw who is capable of doing that!! (would he Want to though? there's no like. secret well of planeswalking power in him here. would he just do it for fun????!!!!) and. ough. ok. let this one cook for a while ok there's a part u need to get to in worm that's relevant. i think this could go very hard i like it a LOT but i legally can't talk about it very much!!!!

ALSO. as i just made a post about. he could literally just get trapped in muse's area of effect during this final battle and get. um. well. really anything could happen to him. honestly the pulling him in half clicks really fucking well with this i think because that really does feel like some cartoon nightmare shit.... get yoinked!! & because it's dream logic he could still get put back together just as easily... he could be like. alive and aware the whole time it's happening. u know. wheezing bloody exposed lungs that aren't Working and aren't Doing anything and they should have stopped by now his heart is fallen out it should be stopped but it's still squeezing and his eyes are still moving etc. this would also be like. reminiscent of his trigger event (laying helpless and paralyzed and in immense pain for many hours in the middle of the woods that want to kill him). ik u have second trigger thoughts. shrug!! maybe ashe has a moment of lucidity before the field drops and goes OHHH GOD OH FUCK because wraith is just. strewn across the ground torn apart like a doll that yr dog got to. etc etc etc.

ANYWAY. thats what ive got so far what have u got!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 👀👀👀👀👀

AHA. YEAH. LITERALLY WIBBY FRIDGE IN THE FOREST. okay okay okay we are cooking we are in the kitchen together just throwing ingredients into the soup. I'm obv not going to comment on the passengers thing until I read some more of worm (btw quick side note the s9 had a cameo in the last interlude I read and I got so ridiculously happy to see them again. extremely nervous about yhem cloning themselves (???????) though. although i kind of hope they are so that it'll give me more ideas about tide. anyway.)

HOWEVER. I DO REALLY REALLY LIKE THE GETTING CAUGHT IN THE BLAST ZONE VIBE but something that hits so hard about that event in canon is just. how. Direct And Personal it seemed. like. he Did That while holding him in the air and telling him to not be afraid bc it'll all be over soon. that's so much. I love the wibby getting caught in the fucked up breaker effect but also i think it should be DIRECTED at him. reasoning behind this i don't know why yet. but I'm sure we can think of something sufficiently harmful.

god dude i didn't even CONSIDER the dream logic of it all. we literally don't even have to kill wibby we can just have him awake and alive and aware of it all. wow! awesome! and dakota can try to push him back together and he would be aware of this and trying to talk to him but his fuckign. everythign is ripped open so he can't exactly talk now can he !!!

I do have SO MANY second trigger thoughts and I do think this is so fucking perfect as a second trigger moment exactly bc of what u said abt laying helpless (ESPECIALLY if we have dakota trying to fix him because. hey he didn't trigger the first time until people came to get him. lol. lmao, even.) and i HAVE actually put a good amount of thought into what his powers would look like after this but i cant tell u until youre done w pd AUGH. also hey having ashe be lucid for a second sucks even more because he'd drop the breaker effect. the only thing that could feasibly put wibby back together in this state is ALSO the breaker effect. so he fucking panics because hey wow i just did this and the only way to fix it or undo it is to . go back to being a horrible little puppet or whatever. do u know what I mean

side note I think wibby needs to have a brutal gross awesome scar from this. i can't talk more about this until you finish 39. smile !!!!!!!!!! what the fuck dude.

[tobiasdrake]

Great, now I have my old unwritten and extremely derivative novels on the brain and the construction outside is making work on Digimon impossible so I'm just going to ramble about things I came up with when I was about 10-15 years old and never wrote here.

So, the basic idea I had was that this wouldn't be the story of any one particular character but rather the story of a world. Like Marvel, one of my many many inspirations, I wanted it to feel like a sandbox that countless interesting lives could exist within.

The basic idea of the world was this. Eons ago, there was a great red dragon and a great white dragon. I don't know why I picked those colors. The two dragons fought each other for control over the Earth. Whichever dragon won, the races they governed would supremely rule the entire world.

The red dragon won and banished the white dragon and its chosen races from the Earth, condemning them to live in a dying world with scarce resources.

This was supposed to be a perspective thing. The people who know the ancient lore would describe it as the red dragon saving us from wicked creatures, but in the world of the "demons" as we call them, they describe it as a great evil that was done to them by a cruel usurper. Neither dragon is actually good; This was just politics. Two feudal kings wanting to claim each other's land, with a winning and losing side writing their own histories.

The red dragon, upon banishing the white dragon and the demons from the Earth, fell into a great slumber in its domain outside of reality. The humans built a great temple there accessible from a thousand secret doors in a thousand places across the planet. There a secret society worships the red dragon to this day and keeps the red dragon's idea of peace by hunting and slaying demons who cross the barrier into our world.

I originally conceived of the "Hunters" running around using swords and axes but later redesigned them to be a modernized military force with tactical gear and guns. This is because I realized it'd be silly for a secret society of monster fighters to not update their arsenals as weapons technology evolved.

There are also vampires, who are basically the middle ground between human and demon. Too human to fit in among demons and too demon to be accepted by the "Hunters".

My vampire rules were that vampires are super strong and fast, they regenerate from injuries, they never age, and also they each have special powers. They drink blood because of a biological need; They'll waste away without it. Any kind of water burns them, the sun takes away their powers but doesn't directly harm them, and being impaled through the heart paralyzes but doesn't kill them. They can be killed by decapitation, fire, or by being completely submerged in water.

There were also four eight Elemental spirits because I wanted there to be more than four so I made up four extra elements. The eight "Guardians" are the protectors of the Dragon Temple and have a sacred duty, but it's been eons since they were called to that duty and they've all just sort of flitted off.

Each of the Guardians has a Final Fantasy crystal embedded in their heart, basically parasitizing the human it's implanted in and merging their identity with the persistent ongoing identity of the Guardian. You take in the crystal of "Blaze", the Fire Guardian, and basically merge with the Blaze lineage, acquiring eons of memories and knowledge from everyone who's ever been Blaze before.

The idea was that the eight Guardians would rarely show up together in a story but any one of them might crop up somewhere. The Lightning Guardian is a mercenary who does paid jobs for demons. The Water Guardian is literally the Lady in the Lake and safeguards the holy sword Excalibur, forged from a fang of the red dragon. The Fire Crystal gets experimented on by Not Umbrella Corporation "Biodyne". Etc. etc.

To open the door to the inner sanctum of the temple where the red dragon sleeps, the eight of them must come together and combine their powers. But there hasn't been a reason to do that in over a thousand years and they aren't just gonna hang around the temple forever. They have lives to lead.

Over on the other side of the barrier, there are many races under the white dragon who are colloquially called "demons" by humans. They have their own societies in a decaying and dying world, though much of their culture is simply built around survival.

Over time, the barrier between worlds grew weaker, and the demons have started to cross over more and more. Though many are refugees just looking for a better world to live in or to escape political persecution, whether the Hunters distinguish between them and genuinely dangerous demons is a crapshoot, often up to the individual.

The demons are governed by meritocratic aristocracies united under the guidance of a Lord. The aristocracies have wealth and privileges above the common serfs, but also a culture that allows leaders to be directly challenged by their underlings. If one of your workers can prove that they can do your job better than you can then they can lay legal claim to your throne.

On paper, anyway. But they're also a rigid society whose current leadership polices their followers through dogma. The Demon Lord throne is presently occupied by a medieval human warrior king banished from his lands by Plot whose policies discourage his followers from independent thought.

Under the present Demon Lord's dominion, groupthink is rigidly enforced, and individuals who speak against the common good - as he defines it - receive Outcast brands over their left eye to identify them as having lost all citizenship rights and protections.

This is pretty much a complete violation of the spirit of the meritocratic culture that he usurped. A fact that has not been lost on recurring character and Token Friendly Demon Leminice (pronounced Leh-minn-iss), who was the prince of a noble house until he was branded Outcast for educating himself on forbidden ideologies.

Leminice and his human bestie, a Hunter named Electra, were basically going to be set up to be the Agent Coulson of the series. They would appear in supporting roles for many of the stories, not as the main characters but as part of the overarching mythos being built from one seemingly unrelated story to the next.

There were a lot of complicated ideas swirling in my head for this universe and the many, many characters I created to live in it. But it was all hamstrung by the fact that I grew up on action cartoons and battle anime, and didn't know of any way to tell a story other than "And then they FIGHT."

So the actual story wound up full of stuff like "And then the Demon King personally comes to San Francisco to invade it, and the hero beats him in a swordfight and saves the world! And everyone immediately stops fighting when he dies because I guess he was a loadbearing boss."

I never could figure out how to make it work as a series of novels, especially since my brain is more configured to think in terms of TV and film than in text anyway so a lot of my ideas had specific camera angles and stuff that I couldn't figure out how to translate into words.

Multiple attempts to start were made, but they all inevitably petered out. I'm just not equipped to be a writer. So eventually it was all just left behind.

[dr-futbol-blog]

The Siege III, Pt. 3

We join McKay and his security escort as they are trying to make their way toward the power room with the brand new ZPM. Their progress is stalled by the wraith that seem to block their way. One of the marines does actually shield McKay using his own body, leading him to stay hidden while they assess the situation. McKay is getting anxious as they are under a time element:

McKay: That's the way we have to go!

One of the marines communicates with the other using tactical hand-signals and, probably because he is exhausted and running on a stimulant affecting his ability to focus, McKay cannot seem to keep quiet:

McKay: What was that? I didn't get all that. What do I do? Look, I'm getting good at the rolling things, maybe I can--

So, McKay has been learning to roll, is the thing. He has been learning how to do combat rolls, probably referring especially to the forward roll. Now, rolling is an important skill to have and given that he is a part of a team that does frequent missions on alien worlds, he should be learning practical skills like that. Here, McKay seems to mean that he hasn't got a handle on the tactical hand-signals yet (and he never quite seems to get the hang of them) but he has been learning other military skills.

And we can safely assume that it is Sheppard who has been teaching him these things. Teaching the physically weakest link in his team self-defense skills is something Sheppard should have been doing regardless of what he might feel for the man but given that we have seen how protective Sheppard is of McKay to the point of killing actual human beings to keep him safe, it makes sense that he would have dedicated time for that. It is, after all, a skill he could have used on one of their very first away missions in Suspicion (S01E4).

And here, we are told that someone has been teaching McKay rolling. We haven't seen them do it but we are told that McKay has been learning it and it is not a skill he would learn on his own, someone must have been teaching him off-screen. This could only have been Sheppard or Ford, and given that Sheppard was the one to put a gun in his hand, he seems like the likely candidate. And since it's doubtful McKay would be the kind of person to learn it just from observing someone do it, it must have been hands-on instruction.

He also says he has been getting good at it which means that they must have done this a lot, given that he has no natural aptitude for physical feats. But we don't get to see it. Of course we don't. There is no way in hell they could show just Sheppard teaching McKay how to forward roll because that would give away the game. It is difficult to show someone touching another as a colleague when they have been touching them like a lover.

Teaching McKay self-defense is on brand for Sheppard but doing forward rolls is not going to help him in this situation. Even the marines are no match for the wraith and even though they manage to take out two of them, both men of his escort are stunned by a wraith drone soldier. But having been around Sheppard, having been with Sheppard in many tense situations, probably is what allowed him to be as cool as he was while this shoot-out was taking place.

But after the marines are incapacitated McKay is alone, the wraith closing in on him. There are two of them and he still stands in front of the ZPM to protect it from them, ready to lay down his own life for everyone else. He has only his handgun, which he points at the wraith. He seems ready to take the wraith on and it is only the appearance of the second one that paralyzes him. Both of the wraith have their stunners aimed at him but they do not take the shot and it's possibly because McKay's behaviour confuses them. They have never seen a human act this way.

McKay: So! This is how it's gonna be? Just me?!

Again, the scene is played for comedy. While we have seen McKay unload two clips into a wraith that was standing much further away than these two drones in The Defiant One (S01E12), here it is made to seem as though he cannot even hold a gun. He accidentally releases the clip, effectively disarming himself. This might be the effect of his exhaustion, as we know that he is able to shoot a weapon. We saw Sheppard teach him how on screen. We have seen him do it but here, either due to exhaustion or anxiety, the fact that they are severely pressed for time and people often make mistakes when they are in a haste, he fails. And as soon as he realizes what he has done and how much trouble he is in, he ducks behind a corner and calls for help.

McKay: This is McKay--I'm in trouble down here!

This too is played for comic effect. As though he is such a coward that he has to scream for help. The fate of the entire Earth depends on him making it to the power room with the ZPM so choosing to to try protect himself while calling for back-up is the reasonable thing to do. This is not the time to play the hero, to make foolhardy gestures and exhibit bravado. There is no one he needs to impress here, and in fact he has only recently learned that somewhere out there in space, his reason for living was alive and well. McKay needs help, they all need him to survive, and he is not afraid to let that show because in spite of his fear, he is a very brave man. And making as much sound as he did was a good call too, as it lead Teyla straight to him, and she takes care of the two wraith with ease.

Teyla: Doctor McKay? Are you alright? McKay: Teyla! We thought you were... Teyla: My radio was broken and I was separated from my group. I have been trying to make my way back. McKay: Oh, thank God! I mean, you have no idea, I thought I was going to-- Teyla: I thought you were very brave. McKay: Really?

McKay is glad to hear that she thinks him brave, although he does not seem to quite believe it. Teyla does not respond to McKay's question, which could be interpreted as her not really meaning what she just said. But her non-response actually seems to be due to being distracted by McKay protecting the case with the ZPM, confused as to what McKay is doing down here in the first place and what it is he seems to be guarding with his life. There is no reason for Teyla to not think of McKay as heroic, facing off with the wraith on his own and with very little training. There is no reason to think what she said to McKay wasn't heartfelt. She has seen enough people come apart before the wraith in her life that she recognizes bravery where she finds it. She also knows that McKay has a set of skills that she does not have, that protecting him is important for all of them. Hence, as McKay explains the situation to her, she automatically takes on the role of protecting him.

Teyla: Lead the way McKay: Yeah, sure... After you.

A brief note here: McKay tells Teyla to go first the way as a gentleman would tell a lady, "After you" being a classic expression of courtesy. Only, we know McKay is no gentleman and does not treat women as ladies because for some strange reason he feels no need to impress women with his chivalrous behaviour. He clearly wants Teyla to go first so that she could take care of what ever evils might be lurking before them. He isn't even pretending to be chivalrous, he needs to get this box to the power room to save everyone on the base and to protect the Earth, and he's not mincing words in telling her to take point to make sure that he gets there.

Meanwhile on the Daedalus, Sheppard's plan to take out the hive by transporting a nuke directly into it works. This also has the effect of causing the smaller cruiser vessels to tuck tail and take off into hyperspace. However, his plan also seems to backfire, as the remaining darts target the city. Sheppard is the first to notice this because protecting Atlantis and the people therein is a priority for him:

Sheppard: We're not the target. Kleinman: Major Sheppard is right, sir. The formation is headed toward Atlantis. Sheppard: Elizabeth, you've got a problem. Weir: Yeah, we see that, Major. Sheppard: We're moving to intercept but I don't think we can get there in time. Kleinman: Not a chance. They're coming in too fast.

Sheppard engages Weir by calling her "Elizabeth" to get her full and immediate attention because it is crucial that she understands what he is saying to her. When Sheppard tells Weir that there is a problem coming their way, Weir interprets it as him addressing all of them. And it is true that they all have a problem with the ballistic approach of the darts. There is no way Sheppard could have predicted the wraith to use this strategy but in effect it was his idea that has now placed the city in further jeopardy. And he can see that the shield, which McKay was meant to get up and running, still isn't working. As much as he tried to avoid piling the pressure on McKay earlier, if there ever was a time to kick McKay into gear, seconds from his own destruction would be the time. He also needs to know that nothing has happened to McKay and that he's still working on getting the shield up:

Sheppard: You'd better get the damned shield up! Weir: How much time do we have? Zelenka: Forty-five seconds. Weir: Rodney, we need a shield up in forty seconds or we're dead!

But make note of the fact that Sheppard does not say this to McKay, he does not use this tone of voice with McKay. In fact, the tone he uses with Weir here is not one that he has ever used with McKay beyond when he had a life-sucking bug attached to his neck, and even in this moment it has more to do with Sheppard kicking himself than being truly upset with Weir. Sheppard and McKay are not in contact with each other. Sheppard is in contact with the control room and the control room is in contact with McKay. Weir is once more the go-between connecting the two of them. While he would never say what he says in this way to McKay, he does need Weir to get him to hurry up. Sheppard knows that snapping doesn't help McKay focus because McKay has told him as much, so Sheppard knows to engage him using other means. But effectively they are all putting all of the pressure on McKay to resolve the situation:

Weir: Rodney, we need a shield up in forty seconds or we're dead! McKay: What, are you kidding me?! Weir: No! McKay: Because I can't help but thinking you're just trying to determine the point at which I completely snap. Weir: Rodney! McKay: That should do it! Fire it up.

Having recently witnessed the point in which Sheppard had completely snapped Weir very much does not want to see McKay's snapping point. These two men were going to be the death of her.

Weir: That didn't do it. McKay: What? Teyla: It is not working. McKay: I know what she said! Weir: Twenty seconds! McKay: OK, snap! That's it! You all happy now?! Weir: Rodney! McKay: OK, OK, OK. Try it now!

Everyone is looking to McKay to save them which is nothing new. McKay is actually trying to tell them that snapping doesn't help him in so many words. He also knows from Childhood's End (S01E05) that rushing is the quickest way to make the ZPM malfunction. It's also different when Sheppard isn't the one trying to get him to work faster. There's a similar scene in the beginning of Sanctuary (S01E14), a tense situation that Sheppard is expecting McKay to fix (which is not his normal behaviour but is him trying to act more like McKay's CO and to keep a professional distance to him, ie., acting the way all the people around him are acting now). Their communication is much more efficient:

Sheppard: McKay? McKay: I'm on it. Sheppard: McKay! McKay: I'm almost there! Okay, you should have weapons now. Sheppard: Negative. McKay: Are you sure? Sheppard: Positive! McKay: I'm pretty sure I fixed it. Sheppard: Well, obviously you didn't! McKay! McKay: It's not like I'm holding back on you!

Sheppard is able to communicate with McKay only by saying his name in different ways. And McKay is able to understand him when he is only saying his name in different ways. Even though Sheppard says only his name, with him McKay never has to waste time asking what he means or to stop to answer stupid questions or react to inane comments, which just serve to slow him down. McKay and Sheppard work extremely efficiently together. If they had been in direct contact, the exchange probably would have gone something like:

Sheppard: McKay? McKay: That should do, fire it up! Sheppard: Negative. McKay! McKay: OK, try it now!

But regardless of everyone trying to get on McKay's last nerve, he manages to plug the ZPM in and Zelenka gets the shield up in the nick of time. The darts crash into the shield and then Atlantis goes radio silent. John Sheppard fears the worst.

Continued in Pt. 4

[magnummagnussen]

my tears ricochet ∘ l.s. 18

You know I didn't want to have to haunt you

But what a ghostly scene

You wear the same jewels that I gave you

As you bury me

summary: after a breakup, the last thing anyone wants is to see the person that hurt them. it only adds salt to the wound to see they're completely fine.

pairing: lance stroll x female! reader

word count: 1,073

warnings: angst, anxious thoughts, sad lance

a/n: the first in the taylor swift series <3 i planned so many others but i guess i'm not still not over my own breakup because this was the most natural thing to write. dedicated to @lovelytsunoda, enjoy the heartbreak xx

standing in the mirror, lance stared at his own trembling reflection. anxiously adjusting and readjusting his jacket as he waited for his father to come and tell him that the car was there to take them to the event. in all honesty, he hated going to them, never sure where to go or look, how to strike up a conversation (if at all), and if what he did was correct. 

“hurry up, let’s go” lawrence shouted as he knocked briefly on the hotel door, disrupting him from his own thoughts. picking up his wallet and phone from the bed, he made his way out of the room and joined his father at the elevator.

-

"this is big for us you know? a chance to see the strulovitch men in style and showcase the team" lawrence declared, half as an affirmation to himself, half as a warning for his son. lance nodded as he looked out the window of the car, only to be met with a sea of photographers waiting to swallow his shaking form.

"is anyone off the grid going to be there?" he asked, partly hoping that there would be at least one friendly face.

"i think ocon will, not too sure though" lawrence replied, combing his fingers through his hair and over his stubble. releasing a sigh of relief, lance finally felt like maybe he wouldn't mess this whole thing up if he could stick by esteban's side. finally, the car rolled up to its destination, allowing both men to get out before walking to the velvet curtain.

"breathe. you can do this. you've done this before." he muttered to himself, before hearing that he was all clear to get on the red carpet. plastering a smile, he opened the curtain and moved to strike a pose for the cameras. the sound of cameras and shouting was all he could hear, brilliantly coupled with the fluorescent lighting that felt like he was being blinded. after a few moments of "showing off the strulovitch brand" he made his way to the other side of the carpet before desperately searching for a familiar face.

looking across the room, he found not one, but two.

one was a face he saw constantly, that represented familiarity, kindness, and warmth. the other? a face he could never forget, no matter how hard he tried. he watched them both together as she looked up at esteban with adoring eyes and a stunning smile. he stood there paralyzed and then he noticed. he noticed the jewellery that adorned her ears, her neck, and her wrist.

they were all from him. more specifically from their first valentine's day, anniversary, and christmas together.

throughout the three years lance and y/n spent together, he never thought that she and esteban had ever had a conversation when he wasn't around. in formula three they never really even interacted so why now? why after months upon months of him trying to heal the heart that she broke, did they finally get together?

he was shattered when she ended their relationship. after visiting him for the weekend, y/n called and told him plainly that she didn't like him like that. that she hoped that the longer they were together, the more her feelings would grow, but they never did.

realizing he had been standing there far too long, he tried to go to the corner of the room, hoping that they hadn't noticed him and he could just avoid them altogether. on his way, he heard esteban, calling for him as if they saw each other in the paddock. as if it were just a normal day.

"lance, lance" esteban said, shouting the second time he said the canadian driver's name. lance turned his gaze to meet him, nervously walking over to the pair.

"when did you get here?"

"uh just a minute ago" he replied, avoiding eye contact with y/n as he spoke. politeness be damned, he couldn't look at her without remembering every sleepless night he had after that call.

"do you want to come and sit with us for the show?" esteban asked, sending him into a frenzied rush to find an excuse to leave the situation.

"you know i should probably go find my-"

"come on, it'll be like old times" y/n interrupted, her voice as cheery as the day he met her. a sound that he didn't think he would ever hear again and, selfishly, one he wished had even an ounce of hurt.

"actually, i'm just gonna go find my dad, i'm sure he's looking for me anyways" he said before turning and walking away, wanting nothing more than to get through this event and be alone again.

-

lance kept his head down, staring at the seat numbers until he found his own, assuming he would be next to his father. slowly sitting, he turned his head to see that y/n was next to him. taking a deep breath, he took his phone out to try and find anything else to occupy his mind. anything that would cancel out the sickly sweet smell of her perfume, the smile she flashed earlier, but most of all, that she still wore his jewels.

as the show started, all anyone would've seen was him watching the show intently. that wasn't true though, he wouldn't be able to tell you about any of the clothes the models wore. looking at the runway, the only things on his mind were the questions he asked himself after the breakup.

was it all a lie?

did she meet someone else?

am i not good enough?

he knew he had the answer to the first one. she said it herself. the second question was one that sent him into a frenzy a few months ago and was now clearly answered. she not only met someone else, but he introduced them, sparking a whole new set of questions. that last one, however, is one he still asks himself every day.

sensing that he wasn't paying attention, y/n set her hand on his thigh, sending a bolt of electricity through his body.

"are you okay?" she whispered, looking into his rich brown eyes for any hints of discomfort.

"i'm fine" he choked out as he shifted his leg to be rid of her hand. giving an answer he'd said a thousand times since she left. it just wasn't one he believed.

......

[royalsunshinehotel]

*slides onto your table once again*

I’m an angst girly, can you PLEASE write a fanfic where the reader and Leo are arguing? Man’s rich and all his exes before were scared to leave him because he’s a powerful man with money. Imagine if the reader is as power and as rich. The type to mot take bs (hehe)

His Mother's Son (Leo Usher x gn!reader)

A/N: I want you all to know that I listened to Whispers by Halsey at least 12 times to write the angst. The ending is a banger though, I'm really proud of it.

It’s hard to remember how good things were on nights like these. Especially when nights like these go south so quickly. You didn’t even make it in the front doors of the event, when your partner had decided to run his mouth off about your past. 

So what if you lied at the beginning of your career, you built your life by yourself, for yourself. Rage cuts through your skull, but you tamped it down, as always. 

“Why did you do that?” You kept your lips firmly pressed together, using both hands to hold your sparkly purse. 

“I just-” He tried. 

“Don’t fucking . . . why did you say that on the red carpet, about my parents?” First he almost made you late to your own party, and now the two of you were here, doomed. 

“It was just a joke.” He’d spoken with his father earlier that day, even at 6’4, Leo always seemed shorter after talking with that man. 

“I’m not laughing.” Leo runs a large hand over his face, to hide him rolling his eyes. “See, when you say things like that, it feels like you’re punishing me.” 

“And why would I do that?” Asked your beau, finally matching your stance and staying still. If this was any other night, jackets would be thrown off, clothing would be optional, but not now. 

“I made it out. I left what I had and I made something new. Something mine.” 

“No, cut deeper.” commands Verna, hiding in the wallpaper, staring out at the tragedy unfolding. 

“You’re a grown man. You should have something of your own by now. That is not, and has never been my fault.” 

“So what are you saying?” His voice came out as something of a wheeze. 

“I think we’re done.” 

“What’s this really about? Has the check from the film not come through yet? Do you need an allowance?” The whiney edge in his voice used to hide someone else entirely, someone with a big heart, who’d bend to your every whim, and now you’re wondering if he was even there at all. 

You stared at him for a moment, as if he’d just slapped you in the face. When you first took up with him, you declared money a taboo topic, and he’d just … 

You’re you. Leo thought for a moment about the day you asked him out. He should have said no. You didn’t need him like the others, you wanted him. And that was fucking terrifying. 

He’d said yes, like a fool, and here he was, exactly where he deserved to be.

“We’re done.” You stated, firmly, calmly, as Leo watched the elevator door closed. In a way, it the door closed on what he thought was the rest of his life. “Apparently not,” he thinks. 

In the elevator, you fall to your knees, staring at yourself in the golden reflection. It’s agony. It always is with him. But at the same time, there’s an unbearable lightness. 

You’d ended it. 

Anything he might have held over you…it didn’t matter now. You’re on your way down, and you’ll get an Uber home, and you’ll figure out what your life looks like without this…overgrown boy taking up all of your energy. 

It’s agony, but it won’t be forever. You’ll live. He won’t. 

With a shuddering breath, Leo’s heart drops. He knew how long it would take you to walk from the elevator, out onto the street. He should yell from the window, he should chase you and let you know that you were right, that he’ll fold, he’ll do whatever you want to keep you. He can’t be without you, he’s known that since he met you. 

But he can’t. 

Maybe it was too many upper, maybe it was too many downers, but he’s been paralyzed before, but he’s never been sober enough to remember it. 

Maybe you were right about the drugs too. 

And now you’re gone. You would be on the front sidewalk by now, he wonders if you’ve thrown a rock through the windshield of his Ferrari. He hoped you did, so he had something to remember you by. 

Leo runs a hand over his face, knees buckling, before he lands on his hardwood floor with a loud ‘thud’. He’s fallen, like a glass of spilled milk. 

“I'm the one who leaves. Ushers do the leaving.” As soon as the words fall out of his mouth he wishes against all odds his mother would appear out of the mist, and slap him upside the head. 

For a minute, Leo commits to the floor, breathing as evenly as possible, and failing. Tears follow soon after, and he doesn’t shy away from them for once. 

You’ve gone. You’ve left him. This is why he was the one who left. 

Leo’s heart pounds in his ears, and he still can’t quite get his breath to even out. It’s almost getting worse. 

Fuck. 

Verna waits in the corner of Leo’s apartment, in the shadows of course.

Oh, how tragic.

In another life, Leo has the nerve to tell Rodrick “no”. In another life, he’s his mother’s son. 

Within him, laid a great capacity for kindness that would have echoed for years after a premature passing. 

As a PE teacher, the kids adore him, of course, and he loves them completely. He still wouldn’t have gotten to grow old with you, but he let you love him that time. 

But it’s not to be. 

At this moment, in this place, he’s an asshole, an addict, and an absurdly rich man who thought his being right mattered above all else. What a shame he’d let the door shut on the one person who’d told him otherwise. 

This time, Verna makes a change. She should tell him about your life, she should tell him that she knows you’ll be alright. And she knows she doesn’t have to. He knows you’re better off without him. 

A tap to the forehead, and he’s gone. 

Mercy. 

Maybe,  this once, he deserves it.

[starseneyes]

Do It Scared: Battling the Expectation of Failure

Ooh, this one's gonna go deep, loves. But I'm unable to sleep, and this is on my heart tonight. Do me a favor, right now:

Don't let the expectation of failure trap you in fear. That thing you really want but are too afraid to go after? Do it scared.

And I understand how terrifying that is. Oh, I understand! But if there's one thing I've learned from the past 20ish years (and especially the past 10) of my life, it's that sometimes you've gotta do it scared.

Growing up, I didn't hear a lot of encouragement. The number of times I was told that a parent was proud of me can be counted on one hand without maxing out your fingers.

Instead, I constantly heard, "Oh, Rachel, you can't do that".

And that phrase repeated so often in my childhood fused to my selfhood in a way I'm still struggling to undo—picking at the pieces whenever they start to scab, hoping that I heal without the missing chunks of flesh and confidence.

I've come to realize that I approach everything in my life with the expectation of failure. And, ooh, that aches.

I expect the answer to be no. I expect the friendship to fizzle out. I expect to never succeed. I expect that everything I do is wrong in the end.

It's that fear of failure that has led to some of the worst things in my life—led to times I was trapped in bad situations that left deep scars from which I fear I'll never fully heal.

But with every passing year, I feel like I find something else that finally gives, something that moves, something that bends.

I learned to value myself, and stop taking on jobs where I'm abused. I rejected the relationship foisted upon me by others and met the love of my life. I overcame my fear of writing failure and returned to a medium that brings me unbridled joy.

Yet, a part of me still expects failure.

Before, I listened to it, that little voice from my childhood. Now, I sing louder than the voice can shout.

While it's mid-sentence, I do the thing, anyway, before I can finish hearing that constant reminder, "Oh, Rachel, you can't do that."

Yes. I. F*cking. Can.

And so can you.

I get what it's like to have fear paralyzing you, to have the expectation of failure prevent you from even trying. But, you deserve to go after your goals. You deserve to chase your dreams. You deserve to give things a try.

Yes, doing it scared is terrifying. But if I hadn't done so many things scared, I never would have found so many of my life's greatest joys thus far... and many more I expect to find.

And if you need to talk it out before you take that first step, I'm here. So many people have been there for me as I did the thing scared. I'd be humbled and honored to be here for you.

So, do it scared. You've got this.

[nightswithkookmin]

Hey Goldy

Hope u are doing good cos i am not atall. When JK said Be happy even without us and cried on Live. He Literally cried infront of millions of people. Why did it felt like a Good Bye ? My heart is broken. I am sad. I have never thought about being happy without BTS in my life. I know this day will come when Army will have to learn to live and be happy without BTS but not now not anytime soon. I am not ready but what JK did in that Live has left sadness in my heart. I am happy about Set me free pt 2 teaser and been streaming it. Its going to be Legendry. I am excited for Jimin album but my damn mind keeps thinking of JK and his face with tears rolling down is bothering me. I dont know whats going on with him but i am praying to God that it was just Alcohol and nothing more.

I was bopping my head and sobbing along till I read goodbye

Ma'am step away from the light I will not lose you

Saying goodbye to WHOMST???

Not me cos he and I are not done

We have JJK1 to promote, stream and get to number one.

Goodbye, chileee I will move into his basement and ship him from there. now both he and I are uncomfortable staring at eachother cos my fat ass didn't fit under his bed.

Jungkook is not going anywhere hajima😫

Like you said, he switched on live television to cry in front of millions of people. If he had somewhere else to go with his angsty ass he wouldn't be here doing al that 🥴

Imagine being his 'girlfriend' and seeing him shed tears and cry himself to sleep drunk in front of million strangers when he could have come to you and cried and be vulnerable with you so you console him

When I think about all the times Jimin said I was talking with Jungkook, caressing our phones, crying, talking about how I want to be with the members for a very long time- these people have girlfriends my ass

Tae can't relate

I was expecting this around covid and around the time they announced their Solo careers. Seems he didn't give himself time to take it all in and deal and now it's hitting him hard🥴

I think it's good he is processing pent up emotions and externalizing certain thoughts. There are so many things I want to address from that video but will save it for another blog.

He is at the height of his career and he knows it. He's gonna process that somehow, the doubt the uncertainty, the fear, I just hope it doesn't paralyze him. Suga went through a similar phase as did Namjoon. Every artist goes through this.

People think it's easy to step out of the shadows of a big band as BTS and just catapult into the lime light- they should as Zayne Malik💀

As RM said, it's just too many voices telling you you are no good without your bandmates, too many people tearing your self Esteem apart, telling you you will fail, suddenly you are doubting if that song you made is good, wondering if you will become successful etc

For Jungkook I heard him saying all these, raising all these questions and curiosity about a solo career even before they announced it. I don't think it's easy for him. There's a lot of expectations and pressure to excel. Poor thing.

I really wish Jimin was free and had time to cuddle him. He just needs to be spooned. He will be fine 🙂

I think sometimes they don't realize the effect their tears have on us. Especially when they're crying and being sentimental and ominous about your career😫

I don't think it's just the alcohol. There's something going on with him. But i think he will be fine. the fact Namjoon told him to be quick and release his album means he has something in the works which is good. I don't want to analyze him too much cos it will take me away from Jimin.

We love him and I'm sure he feels the love.

The best we can do is support him and assure him we will be here for him whenever he needs us.

I feel Jimin is competing with a lot of people for army's attention. I love the competition but it's becoming ridiculous.

Let's stay focused. Let's learn to prioritize.

When we are done with Face, we have all the time in the world to discuss Jungkook's moody phase.

I want to hug you and tell you everything will be fine

Here's something to cheer you up

If that don't do it try this🥵

In a few days he's gonna be dropping an MV that's gonna keep all the girlies active 🥺

That still doesn't cheer you up? Crazy😩

Fine. I'll post a full analysis soon😓

[xxchumanixx]

Paralyzed

Dean Winchester x reader

Warnings: mentions of character death, angst, hurt

Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me inside. I'm paralyzed.

Authors note: This one is angst and pure sadness. Dean's death was devastating for me, as Supernatural accompanied me whilst growing up. I loved him in many ways and he taught me a lot about life. We all lost a great person (character) that day.

Based on the song "Paralyzed" by NF. Listen to it here

Word count: 634

Goosebumps covered your skin, the cold air hugging you like a bad omen.

Still you ignored it, thankful for feeling at least something. Since the day he had died you felt paralyzed.

When did I become so numb?

When did I lose myself?

To you, the answer was clear.

The hunt that led to you giving up your “career” as a hunter. The hunt that took everything from you. The love of your life, your will to live.

All the words that leave my tongue feel like they came from someone else.

Grocery shopping, something you used to love, became a mere necessity.

The little moments were you and Dean felt normal, like you belonged there. You used to look forward to it.

Now, your days and nights were like a program – played by someone else.

Where are my feelings?

I no longer feel things.

I know I should.

I’m paralyzed.

Sam’s attempts at getting you back on track backfired on him – still he didn’t give up.

No matter how many times you leashed out at him, trying to get rid of him he stayed adamant on not losing you, too.

He already had lost his brother, the one that meant the most to him in this gruesome world. He didn’t want to lose the person that was like a sister to him as well.

The cold air blew in your face, causing your hair to get messed up even further than it already was. But you didn’t care. You stopped doing so a long time ago.

Where is the real me?

I’m lost and it kills me inside.

When did I become so cold?

It was a long way for you and Dean.

From the moment you had met the famous Winchester brothers you knew there was more to the older brother.

It took a lot of effort and time to crack his steel like shell and get a glimpse inside. You weren’t disappointed in what you’d found.

He was soft, caring and the sweetest person in the world to you. And the one you loved the most.

You knew it would be risky, your love for one another gluing a target onto your back. But you gladly took the risk if it meant even the shortest of times of happiness with him.

And short it was.

I’m paralyzed, I’m scared to live, but I’m scared to die.

And if life is pain, then I buried mine.

A long time ago but it’s still alive.

And it’s taking over me, where am I?

When he took his last breath, telling you how much he loved you and that he wanted for you to be happy, everything inside of you shattered.

A pain so unbearable rippled through you, that it tore you apart. Still, you couldn’t do anything besides watching the love of your life die right in front of your eyes, doing something he had done his entire life.

Had you known how it would end, you would have convinced him of the apple pie life a lot earlier. Even if it would have meant staying in the bunker instead of getting a white picky fence.

I wanna feel something, I’m numb inside.

But I don’t feel nothing, I wonder why.

“Hey, Baby.” His baritone voice greeted you, causing a lump to form in your throat; tears burning in your eyes and blurring your vision. “Why are you here already?”

You turned around to him, neglecting the beautiful view down the bridge you landed at.

“I couldn’t handle it any longer.” You replied, the tears now flowing freely. “I felt so numb, lost.”

He sighed heavily, before embracing you in a hug. Suddenly his warm body replaced the cold air you had felt moments before.

“I was paralyzed without you. Now, I’m okay. I’m in your arms again.”

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Was my mother's birthday today. Spent the weekend making her a video as a gift, today went to her friend's house after work for a birthday celebration. Tomorrow after work have to go perform ten minutes of stand-up for the first time (have previously only done six). Have a document full of ideas for stuff to try beyond my six minutes, just need to sit down and map out a plan. Had several hours to do that tonight. But also have to go this weekend to the junior and senior national championships that are being hosted in my city this year, a few years ago that would have meant months of hard work on my part, I've now stepped back from the sport so much that I wasn't even part of the prep, I just need to show up. There's the competition, and then also my first ever teammate/training partner, whom I started training with in 2005, has recently retired from competition, which doesn't normally warrant a national event but it does for her because she had a massive career that included a gold medal at the Rio Olympics, so on Friday they're doing a ceremony before the finals at the championship to honour her, and then a social at the bar after that of course I'm looking forward to because she lives across the country now so I haven't seen her in ages but I love her and want to be there to celebrate her, but also that event will be full of coaches and athletes and refs that I used to see all the time and now barely see, due to my stepping back from the sport, about which I feel very conflicted and find very emotionally difficult, so I'll just go confront that all weekend, partly at a bar, while I'm still trying to avoid drinking though to be honest I've slipped a few times in the last few weeks.

And these are the few hours that I was supposed to spend mapping out my stand-up set plan, but every time I look at the page I become overwhelmed with 1) the idea that I've happened to come up with a few funny things but everything else I might think of would be embarrassingly terrible, and 2) I did stuff on the weekend and then more stuff today and then there will be stuff tomorrow and then stuff Friday and then stuff all weekend and it's too much stuff and I can't think about any of it.

Thought of how John Robins occasionally explains that "If I have to think about four things at once I'll curl up in a corner instead of thinking about any of them and then tomorrow there will be five things." Decided to throw on the radio show to distract myself. I'm into March 2018, when John Robins is the middle of his large tour during which he filmed Darkness of Robins. The first few months of 2018 on that radio show is just documenting John Robins having a breakdown; at first he said he'd do dry January then says no because touring is too stressful, comes in tired and a bit sick one week then full on tonsillitis and can hardly talk then keeps getting sick with other things and explaining that he's not sleeping then turns up to an episode an hour late because he forgot it was happening, reports that he's lost a stone from stress, then takes a couple weeks off and gets replaced by James Acaster, comes back the next week with fresh anecdotes about having a cry in a hotel room, entirely because there were too many things going on and had to do too many things in a row. I was looking forward to getting to the era of this show when I find out what happens when you win a Perrier Award, and now I know. You significantly expand your tour at the beginning of the following year due to increased demand, and then have a breakdown due to increased having to do things on multiple days in a row.

This is the saga I jump back into as my distraction, listen to him explain how touring is still wildly stressing him out, and I thought, this sounds familiar except that I've been paralyzed by the stress of a ten-minute open mic set in a way that feels relatable when he discusses the stress of like a 68-date tour. Then I thought, to be fair, John Robins is not doing quite a stressful job all day involving constant human interaction. It's the constant human interaction. I need to not have that. I also need to have a better idea for stuff to say in a pub tomorrow. And preferably a brain that can think about four things at a time without short circuiting.

Also I have scratches all over my hands because a kid had a meltdown at work. He stood up, screamed, cried, hit himself, fucked up my hands, and then I played him some Lynn Miles and he very slowly calmed down. I tried to change the song but he used his very small verbal repertoire to say "play that again" so I just kept it on repeat. If you ever see someone have a meltdown, try this song:

Some scratches on my hand are not actually a big deal, I don't mind that. It's the look in his eyes when he does it. He doesn't want to hurt me. It's so clear that he's just truly desperate to make it stop and thinks tearing something apart might help and is willing to try anything. I'd let him do it as much as he wanted if 1) I thought it would actually help, and 2) it weren't very dangerous to teach a kid - a kid who will one day grow up to be a black man who has a disability that causes him to make strange noises and barely be able to communicate and not understand the rules and sometimes get uncontrollably upset in public, that it's okay to grab people and dig your nails in when you get upset. Our goal with his therapy is mainly to make sure he doesn't grow up to do the wrong thing to the wrong person in public and get badly hurt. I get very scared when I think what might happen if he's still responding to stress by grabbing people once he's too big to be cute.

See, you can't make jokes about that. Not in ten minutes, anyway. Maybe a highly emotional Edinburgh hour. But I can't make jokes about that, and everything funny that does happen at my job is protected by medical confidentiality anyway. It's not fair, other comedians have jobs with amusingly stupid clients and things like that. What am I supposed to talk about? I mean I've got a Word document but I'm looking at it and I don't think I've ever had a good idea in my entire life. And I still can't think about more than one thing at a time.

...New Taskmaster date's exciting though. Pretty hyped about that. Taskmaster! March 28! They've all gone big on costumes! Let's fucking go!

I am actually fine, by the way. I made some posts earlier in 2024 about how I was in mental health crisis, which was true then, I just want to clarify that I'm not in that now. I'm just overwhelmed because I've been asked to do more than like two things at a time and I possibly should start leaving some of my anxiety meds at my mother's house so I don't just skip the nights when I stay here. I'll feel a lot better after my set tomorrow. I had a stressful fucking week last week too, for reasons that have nothing to do with any of this, so that doesn't help. This is really making me remember why I hated university so much, though. I don't do well with homework.

[ach-sss-no]

Things I do if i'm stuck on a WIP

I keep seeing memes about people fighting with their WIPs so maybe you could use some handy weapons?

Some of these are passed around pretty often, but they're in here again because I personally found them useful, as opposed to the common advice I see passed around that has never helped me whatsoever, also, you never know when it's someone's first time seeing something or when it might be worded in a way that makes it more understandable.

Some of these are more useful when you have some options for how to proceed with your story but can't decide on one, and won't be as helpful if you can see no way to proceed.

These are intended primarily for writing and many don't really have other applications I can think of, but some of these strategies should also work for any creative thing you're trying to do that is not progressing in the way you want it to.

Disclaimer: Sometimes none of these work. Good luck!

CRIPES, I'm Stuck

Complain

Tell someone (or pretend to tell someone) who does not know the inner workings of your story all about your story problem in as much detail as you can articulate. The more detail the better, including what events led up to this point and what you want to achieve going forward. Go all the way back to what the main premise is, even. When I do this I often end up figuring out the problem while I am describing it and never even send the message, which is why this can be an imaginary conversation if input from another human is not desired and/or available for whatever reason. You can also tell your problems to your cat, dog, tarantula, or Pokémon team! BONUS: Those things are all cheaper than a therapist!

Randomize

If you have multiple ideas for how to go forward and are paralyzed because you can see no greater or lesser value in any of them, great news! The machine can be trusted! (Disclaimer: The machine cannot be trusted) Go to random.org and use the list randomizer to scramble your potential plot options. Pick the one on top. If you realize you're unhappy with it, examine why. Whatever reason why you've decided you don't like that option after all will help guide you towards what you should be doing instead.

Got any kind of two option yes/no, pass/fail, success/disaster question? Flip a coin! This can be done digitally if you don't have coins lying around (I usually don't myself).

There is also the tried and true method of dice-rolling, which can also be done via app if you don't have dice of the desired type or you've lost yours.

Really stuck? Showrunner's challenge.

Iterate

This is both the least efficient one and the thing I do the most often. Writing a scene? Not sure how it should go? Just write different versions of it until something sticks.

Every time you feel unhappy with the scene, back up to the point that led to whatever you're not jiving with, cut it, and start over from there. I recommend saving all of your different versions so you can reconsider or do some horrific Frankenstein cut-and-paste later.

Like I said: horrendously inefficient. it doesn't have to be pretty... it just has to exist.

Play

Go do something else totally unrelated to writing. Just go do something else you enjoy. Just take a break. Your brain may actually fix your story problem when you ignore it and let it run in the background, and if it doesn't, you get a break. No downside! Chances are, you've heard that before. I'm telling you again because I so often fall prey to the 'but my break will be more satisfying if I fix the problem first' well, it's not getting fixed and I am not equipped to fix it right now or it would be fixed already, so it's break time now.

Work on another project that seems more fun to you at the moment. Battering your head against your current WIP because you think you "should" work on it instead of whatever shinier idea is in your head is probably not helping you progress on that project. Working on something else as a treat may jog your brain to unstuck you from your main idea, and if not, it will lead to a new creative product existing, and even if it never gets finished, you've tricked yourself into thinking art is fun again. No downside!

There's nothing wrong with adding [placeholderlmao] and going on to a part of the story you like better. In fact, knowing what happens later may help you fix the problem point (assuming you don't already know because you either don't work from an outline, or your story has diverged so wildly from the outline that it's not helpful anymore)

Edit

Depending on the length of your project and whether you have already declared parts of it off-limits this may not apply; but if you don't want to go forward right now, it may be a good time to go back and edit what you already have written. Sometimes when I do this I will see a stray idea I mentioned earlier that I can follow up on now, and that gives me a new path forward. I'll also sometimes discover that, while my current story problem is manifesting at my sticking point, the cause of it happened much earlier and needs to be addressed farther back in the story (and once that's done I'm not stuck anymore!) Just like pulling crabgrass out by the roots.

Did you have an outline that has stopped tracking with your story? Maybe you should go look at that outline and revise it to the new version, or at least remind yourself of what you thought was important to put in it. If nothing else, doing this should help you think differently about your story.

Steal

That's right! There are millions on billions of stories out there. Just like infinitely variable humans are built upon skeletons that look very similar, your story is uniquely yours, but its underlying structure probably follows a pattern that other stories with similar goals have used since human communication began. So go look up a story you enjoy that includes a similar scene to the one you're struggling with, and look at what it did to fix the problem you're having. Chances are, there's a way to map that onto your story while keeping your version unique, or at least you can get some helpful hints. Do expand beyond the medium you're working in. There's a lot that novels/movies/games/etc do differently, but basic story beats and interactions between characters are pretty consistent things across anything that's telling a story. If I'm looking for a model for a scene, I always look for something with a similar plot, theme or character dynamic that I thought was done well.

Alternately, do you know of a story that tried to do what you're doing and failed spectacularly? Go look closely at that and see why it's not working. Then ask yourself how those problems could have been avoided. The solution you arrive at may apply to your story as well, or at least lead in the right direction. Alternately-alternately: Do it wrong on purpose for the fun of it and fix it later (or don't fix it later)

Just have no ideas? Hang out with stories with the vibes you want until something clicks. When I was doing this fancomic, I watched The Emperor's New Groove a lot.

Well, there you go. If you think I missed something- which I absolutely did, because the creative process is very individual and there are some highly successful things I never, ever do and can't speak on because I am restricting myself to things I have personally done and found helpful-

-please add it on to this post, and make it longer and longer until no one is ever stuck on a WIP ever again (✿◡‿◡) because they are all too busy reading this infinitely long post to start any projects!

[larsnicklas]

when you think oilers fans can't get worse now I saw one of the people that were acting like they were being oppressed for liking hyman reblogging one (1) pro palestine post after being silent during all these months and right after celebrating his goal and sad about him possibly being injured. how they can be so perverse even after everything that happened yesterday. it disgusts me.

yeah like. as i've kind of said previously, i don't think this is an o.ilers fan-specific problem at all, but there is certainly some cognitive dissonance going on with anyone who is celebrating h.yman while reblogging pro-palestinian rhetoric!

but at the same time, it's kind of like.... i just do not care about zach h.yman and what he thinks. what he thinks is objectively morally reprehensible and it's upsetting if not surprising that he's staunchly pro-israel, and at this point, he is not someone i support or spend time thinking about beyond that. i'll re-evaluate if he ever takes the steps to deconstruct his beliefs. when it comes to fans celebrating him for his hockey... idk it's like, your mileage may vary but i have to operate in good faith here. maybe this person and others just genuinely don't know that h.yman has spoken out in support of israel. if i asked a random o.ilers fan on the street i honestly doubt they'd know anything about his stance on this. i don't mean to make excuses for people who are deliberately looking away from the heinous things being done to palestinians by israel but cheering for some hockey player with terrible opinions isn't quite the same as that, either.

if you spend any time working in mutual aid/activism/etc., one of the things you learn is that while it often feels good momentarily to sit on a high horse and feel righteous, the more important thing to do is to bring people into the fold. call in, not call out. one of these is more fun and feels better in the moment, but one of these does FAR more for the given group of people you are trying to assist.

this got very long so i am dropping the rest under a cut but pleaaase check out these links, and especially operation olive branch, which is FULL of resources, info, and ways for you to make a difference!!

operation olive branch / world central kitchen / 5 calls (for usamericans!)

my brain is soup so i don't think i am articulating this well, but at the end of the day it's not super productive to watch people on the internet to see whether or not they are virtue signalling or being hypocritical or whatever. this does not help the families being systematically massacred and driven from their homes, and it's also soul draining. you will feel miserable and hopeless and fruitlessly angry the more you do this. i know because i also fall into this trap despite my best efforts! and it gets genuinely paralyzing because you start feeling like nothing you or others can do can possibly stack up to the callousness of the world. this is not a sustainable way to live.

i'm by no means an expert on any of this, but i have some small experience working in mutual aid and have close friends who do a lot of activism work, and here are some things i have picked up and am trying to do in my own life.

i know it's hard but try to call people in and not call them out like i mentioned earlier. berating them and getting preachy or accusatory usually results in defensiveness on the part of the other party, and even if it feels unfair that you have to cater to THEIR feelings, planting any doubt in their minds about the way they think will help. chip away at them. it won't happen in a single conversation. keep trying anyway.

many times people do care, but don't know how to help. give them direct, actionable items if you can. even better, give them a framework, like: "if you have ten free minutes at any point in your day, please contact your representative using this website/at this number" or "if you have [X amount of dollars] in your checking account right now, please donate $1/$5/$10 to [specific g.ofundme or organization]"

take time to celebrate the wins, even the small ones. it really keeps you going lol. i'm serious. the work is NEVER finished, ever. there's no way to keep it up without taking time to acknowledge the good that has been accomplished, bit by bit

stop and listen. in this particular case and often many others, community leaders of the marginalized and persecuted group get spoken over by louder (and often white) voices, even when those voices are well-meaning. of course no group is a monolith, and there are going to be conflicting opinions and courses and ideas, but it is CRUCIAL to be able to have an open ears and an open mind. i think a good example of this happening is people boycotting random businesses instead of focusing on the bds targets that were strategically selected by organizers for the most impact lol

social media can be a force for good! but it is not the be all, end all. make your posts, call for awareness, spread the word about what you need to. and then go out in the real world, too, whether that's putting your money where your mouth is literally by donating, or offering your time/labor phone banking/buying esims/etc.

[paralyze-fic]

Paralyze.

Special Chapter; The Kiss.

[Katsuki's Point of View]

I walked back into my house when that hag called me. She was talking with my old man and I just ignored them, going up to my bedroom.

Well, now I had to pack my things, just so I have everything ready to go for U.A.'s new dorm.

And that's what I did.

//////

I finished unpacking and getting my room somewhat done, and I let out a sigh, thinking about what should I do now. For the moment I just stepped out, went in the elevator and down to the common room, headed to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water.

After I drank my water I saw the rest of the class gathering around the couches, so I just washed the cup and dried it before putting it back where it belongs.

Shitty hair was sitting on one of the couches, so I silently started heading his way, but on my way to him I saw (M/n), walking down the stairs. In an instant, my body trembled with an unknown feeling, like a shiver, and when I looked down at my arms I noticed I had goosebumps.

Frowning, I rubbed my arms with my hands slightly, finally getting shitty hair's attention, "Oh, Bakugou!" He turned his head towards me and I groaned at him, standing behind him, "Are you cold or something?"

His eyes were looking down to my arms and the same feeling from before came back, but I just ignored it, bending down to his ear.

"No, asshole," he looked at me confused, but I didn't bother apologizing, "I'm going to bed, don't bother me," I whispered harshly and stood straight.

My eyes went directly towards (M/n), who was talking with Racoon eyes, but those (e/c) eyes of his were looking right at me. Raccoon eyes seemed to smile at him and then she walked away.

He staring at me like that made my breath hitch and a tingly-like feeling fluttered in my chest, right where my heart was.

Again with this fucking thing? I've felt it before, many times.

The first time was when (M/n) slept at my house. He might not know it, but I was awake when he made me hug that damn pillow so he could get up, his chest was soft and cuddly, that was the only reason why I didn't push him out of my bed in the first place.

Despite how nervous I suddenly felt, I took a deep breath and went to him, stood by his side and leaned into his ear, "Come to my room later. I wanna talk to you." My voice was soft when I whispered it to him, and it made me internally cringe.

Why do I behave so calmly and softly with this idiot?

He hummed a 'Yes', the deep noise made my body tremble slightly, and to avoid him seeing my blushing face I walked to the elevator, keeping my head down.

I pressed the button to the fourth floor and when the door closed, my back pressed against the wall behind me and I slid down to the floor.

My face was burning and my heart was beating rapidly, making me clench my jaw and cover my face with my hands.

When the door opened I hurried to get up and walk out, still keeping my sight down. I didn't realize I had stopped in front of (M/n)'s door.

Something about his last name on the plate outside his room made me flinch and I went into my bedroom, which was right next to his.

I plopped face-first into my mattress and I took a few deep breaths in, but my mind replayed all those times when my heart raced at (M/n)'s actions.

The time when he pinned me down on my bed, freed me and then tickled me. Hearing his genuine laugh made my heart flutter uncontrollably.

And to think that day at the school's pool... I only accepted to go because I thought I could see him in swimming trunks- Yeah! That's why I dragged him with me! But I'll never say that out loud.

On the bus going to the training camp. That day, when I saw him sleeping I planned on using him as a pillow again, but I had to wait until the extras were asleep. And I had to pretend it was an accident when I woke up.

When I saw him beating the shit out of those dirt beasts. Why did he look so sexy all sweaty? I will never know.

And then he left me to be with that damn Deku! I wanted to blow everything up!

But... the next day he went blind because of the drawbacks of his quirk and I couldn't help but feel worried about him.

When we heard the message about the villains wanting me... and him. When (M/n) separated from us I got worried, but he showed up to try and save me. At least he was safe, but just thinking what those damn bastards could have done to me... they could've killed me and I'd never be able to see him again. Although, at the time I was just able to think, 'Better me than him'.

And that bastard went there to help me, putting himself in danger. He wasn't alone, but him being there made me almost cry from happiness. Then, I was sure he was going to say something really important that day... but he didn't. I was kinda disappointed.

But right as I was recalling when Kirishima told me what those things I was feeling were, I heard voices and steps closing in. And I realized that damn idiot wasn't here yet.

So I picked up my phone and went to his contact.

Cute Idiot.

Why did I...? Never mind, he'll never know anyway.

I pressed the call button and I waited for him to pick up. Nothing.

That fucking-

Knock knock knock. I hung up and stood up, walking to my door. I opened it and went back to bed.

(M/n) closed the door, "What did you want to talk about, Katsuki?" He asked and sat beside me.

Now I recalled what I wanted to talk with him about, but now I was thinking about how to say it. And while I did so, I kept looking down and playing with my fingers.

"Did I..." I said, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw him turning towards me, "Did I end All Might...?" Hesitantly, I lifted my head to look up at him, feeling my sight getting blurry. I wasn't completely sure why I was crying, probably by the thought of having ended the number one hero- my idol, but... I didn't know for sure.

I did know that he would be the only one I'd allow to see me actually crying, simply because he's that amazing.

And that was when I felt his arms wrapping around me, and pulling me close to him. I was shivering, from holding my cries and because of how warm he felt.

"No, no, of course you didn't end All Might, Katsuki. Heroes have to retire at some point, and maybe he was getting hit by his age," I sensed him trying to make me laugh, and if I wasn't too engrossed in his warmth I would've chuckled. "Katsuki, it's okay, don't beat yourself over that, alright? If it worries you so much, why don't we go and talk about it with All Might tomorrow? What do you say?" I swallowed and shook my head as I pulled back, snapping myself out of my cheesy thoughts.

"It's just... if I had been stronger or quicker, nothing of this would've happened, it's my fault for making All Might how he is now." Without me wanting to, my hiccups were taking place and escaping my mouth.

I was legit crying now because of All Might.

My breath was heavy and uneven, making me gasp and I had to hold my head while closing my eyes to calm down. The tears were freely falling out of my eyes, and it seemed like nothing could stop them.

He hugged me, and that made me cry harder. His arms held me tight and they picked me up, making me sit on his lap.

(M/n) is incredible...

I lowered my arms and hugged his waist, shifting my legs to wrap around his hips, and I hid my face in his chest as my crying intensified.

I felt his hand going up to my hair, playing with it, and his other hand stroking my back up and down. It got me goosebumps again, I could feel my heart beating rapidly and my face heating up.

I relaxed against him, feeling my breath slowly calm down. And I instantly remembered Kirishima's words.

"What you feel when you're with (M/n) is pretty obvious, Bakugou!"

You're in love with him...

The moment that phrase echoed inside my head, my crying began to cease, slowly calming myself altogether. Some gasps-like hiccups came out once in a while, but I managed to calm down.

"You feeling better?" He whispered in my ear, making me jump slightly at the surprise of his deep voice suddenly so close, but I nodded, pulling back from his chest and staring up at him.

I saw his eyes widen a bit and something about the expression on his face made me mentally smile.

"Yes, thank you, (M/n)," I said softly, leaning in to rest my cheek on his shoulder, breathing deeply and getting closer to his neck. My nose touched his skin and felt him quiver a bit, soon seeing goosebumps on his skin too.

Could it be...?

"Katsuki..." he called me suddenly, making me move back and look up at him again.

"Yes?" I saw his hands moving up slowly until they were cupping my cheeks, and his thumbs wiped the tears off them.

(M/n) was being soft and careful, sending my heart into an endless marathon. His softness made me close my eyes and lean against his hands.

Why is he so warm all the time? Makes me sleepy.

"You're so cute, Katsuki."

My eyes opened wide at his words and I felt my face heating up as a shiver ran down my entire body.

His eyes were staring at me with an unreadable expression. Half-lidded eyes stared at me, with a serious and determined yet sweet and caring expression.

His hand pressed slightly harder against my cheeks, his fingers placed under my ears and he pulled me closer.

On instinct I closed my eyes, kind of expecting this to happen but also thinking he might not do it.

But he did.

Soft and warm lips pressed against mine, making me let out a sigh out my nose and a warm feeling arose over my entire body, coming from my chest.

My hands raised to hold onto his shoulders, shifting my weight onto my knees and pressing my chest against his.

One of (M/n)'s hands stayed on my cheek, while the other lowered to hold my waist.

As I felt his lips moving against mine, I couldn't help but smile.

Finally! Now...

Boldly, I caressed his bottom lip with my tongue, trying to deepen our kiss, but he suddenly stopped.

I pulled back and stared at him, "(M/n)?" He locked eyes with me, only to look down and hold my hips up, placing me back on my bed.

I stared at him confused, while he just breathed heavily and walked to my door.

"Oi, (M/n)! Where-?" Before I could finish my question, he walked out.

I just stayed there, processing what happened.

What did the kiss mean? Was it an impulse or he did do it on purpose? Did (M/n) like me or he was playing with me?

But... How could he know I like him? That seems impossible.

My mind was everywhere, and I just decided to sleep the night away and ask him tomorrow.

//////

The first thing I did when I woke up, was text shitty hair.

Spiky Hair;

;Tell (M/n) I want to talk with him.

Did you guys had a fight?

;Kind of, can you or not?

I sure can!

I sighed and sat up, thinking about last night.

My first instinct was to bite my bottom lip when the memory of our kiss came back to me like a bullet shot. I felt giddy and nervous, annoyed and conflicted, all at the same time. It was my first kiss so I felt weird and extremely happy.

But before I could fantasize about stupid things, I decided to focus on talking with him first.

And that's when I heard knocking.

"It's open!" I yelled as I got up from my bed.

He walked in after a few seconds, closing the door behind him and he didn't even bother looking at me. That was kinda painful.

Neither of us was saying a word, so I took the lead, "So?" As soon as I spoke, he jumped and gripped his t-shirt. "Are you gonna explain yourself about yesterday?"

Once again, he stayed silent, making me slightly mad.

"(M/n), I'm waiting." I noticed him bite down on his bottom lip as he seemed to be thinking of his response.

"It..." his voice trembled and he cleared his throat. I was kind of hoping for a love confession at this point, but perhaps- "It was a mistake, sorry... for kissing you, it didn't..." It wasn't.

My heart instantly hurt, and I had to breathe in deep, crossing my arms over my chest and biting my tongue to avoid crying, and staring at him while trying to contain my emotions. If I got mad, I would cry. If I reassured him, I would cry. Either way, tears were gonna find their way down my face.

"It didn't mean anything, I'm sorry Bakugou."

Bakugou...

What happened with just calling me Katsuki, (M/n)?

Another wave of pain stung in my heart, and I swallowed hard, feeling the knot in my throat tighten.

The silence that stayed in my bedroom made me feel awkward, but then I saw him lifting his head to look at me.

(M/n) seemed to be in pain too...

I scoffed at my observation and turned to walk into my bathroom. I decided to act as if nothing happened and be natural about this heartbreaking situation, "I'm expecting my breakfast done by the time I'm out."

I closed the door behind me, my breath speeding up and my eyes watering, so I just undressed quickly and opened the shower. As I walked in, the noise of the bedroom door opening and closing let me know that (M/n) wasn't there anymore.

The cold water on my body didn't bother me, and as my tears were making their way down my face, I couldn't help but feel like an idiot.

Why did I have to fall in love with that dumbass?

But this seemed like the perfect reason to actually hate him... the problem was the fact that I knew.

I knew I wouldn't be able to hate him. I don't think I'll ever be able to.

The water turned warm very slowly, and I made a plan. With a determined growl, I made small explosions and I looked up with anger, "I'll make you fall in love with me, (M/n). One way or another."

///////

The first step of my plan was to behave as if nothing happened.

And I did that.

"Come here, imma beat your ass this time," I muttered after Mario Kart appeared on my TV, he laughed and slowly got up from my bed.

I sat on my two-seat couch, while (M/n) sat on the ground, next to my legs.

This idiot was making everything so difficult! If the fucking kiss didn't mean anything, behave like you meant it!

"What are you doing? Come on." I moved around on the couch so I would be sitting behind him, trapping him with my legs on each side of his body.

And I decided to add just a little thing, something pretty innocent and small, but it was something that I knew would make (M/n) tense up.

I "hugged" him from behind, leaning forward and resting my elbows on his shoulder, holding the controller in front of his chest and resting my chin on top of his head.

My pride wouldn't let me back down from my first crush at all. Not after how much this dumbass made me love him, I was in too deep to back out now.

I'll make you love me back, you idiot.