#now it’s just a huge comfort cause I remember how I felt when I use to listen to it

[imfrom-neptune]

pain don’t hurt the same, i know.

the lane i travel feels alone,

but i’m moving till my legs give out

and i see my tears melt in the snow,

but i don’t wanna cry.

i don’t wanna cry anymore.

i wanna feel alive. 

i don’t even wanna die anymore.

/ly

[moonchild9350]

Sign the Dotted Line (Chapter Six)

Summary: You have a special opportunity to travel with the boys, making it a mini vacation while you're at it. This makes it the perfect opportunity to turn over a new leaf with Minho, or so you hope.

Pairing: idol Minho x fab reader

Genre: angst, fluff (for 2 seconds), smut- 18+ MDNI

Word Count: 4.6k

Warnings: dry humping, p in v penetration, multiple creampies (wrap it up), slapping. I think that's it.

Notes: Y'all we are nearing the end, with this being the second to last chapter of this mini series! It is kinda bittersweet haha. Also yall toxic relationships are bad don’t be like the reader in this story. I felt like I should say that. Anyways, this is lightly edited, as I was exhausted, so please excuse any typos.

I hope you like this chapter! If so consider a reblog, comment, or like. My dms are open as well! ♡

New chapters posted on Saturdays at 1pm CST!

Series Summary: You are living an ordinary life until one day you come across a notice from your favorite band Stray Kids, that the company is looking for a girlfriend for one of its members Lee Minho. Thinking you have nothing else to lose, you apply. This one action causes your life to change forever.

Series Masterlist

Please do not copy, translate, modify, use, or repost this work elsewhere without my permission. ©moonchild9350 (2024)

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“So y/n,” Chan said, “how are you holding up?”

Chan searched your face, looking for any sign of discomfort. You started to relax at his reaction, always having a soft spot for the man.

“I’m fine Chan.” You said.

Chan looked skeptical, not believing your response. You chuckled at the expression on his face.

“Chan I’m fine. I promise,” you repeated with a chuckle.

Chan seemed to accept your answer the second time around.

“Ok good. I know things have not been ideal and tough recently…well since you arrived.”

That’s an understatement you thought. Things have definitely not been ok since you arrived.

Chan shifted in his seat, it was almost like he was nervous which was odd for the leader.

“Come on Chan, spit it out,” you chuckled.

He gave you a grin, “ok ok you got me y/n. I wanted to explain why minho is…the way he is.”

At this, you straightened up, your full attention on the man in front of you. You’d be lying to yourself if you weren’t interested in what he had to say, anything helping to get a glimpse into Minho’s mind.

“Minho is…stubborn. He not in tune with his emotions most of the time, surprising them until he does something rash.” Chan stopped as if he were thinking.

“He’s also possessive, and I don’t think he likes when we’re overly friendly with you.” Chan said, running his hands through his hair.

“I hope he’ll talk to you soon. Maybe actually explain himself better than I am now. We just don’t want you to leave y/n.”

You listened to Chan’s explanation. It made sense, every bit of what he was saying. Minho did seem possessive, you could tell as he was giving you the best fuck of your life. Was he acting out because of that?

“Thanks for explaining Chan, I appreciate it. I’m not leaving though. The manager refused to terminate my contract,” you nervously chuckled as you remembered that conversation.

“Oh? I figured as much.” Chan said. Well we’re happy you’ll be staying. I’m sure minho will be happy too even if it doesn’t seem like it.”

Chan gave you a warm smile. “Well now that’s done shall we go back? It’s almost time for the meeting.”

You nodded getting up and following Chan out the door. That conversation was actually helpful, giving you an insight into Minho’s mind. You hoped you both could talk at some point.

You both made your way back to the practice room, slipping inside the room and making your way to the couches. Felix gave you a huge smile, making room for you on the couch. You couldn’t help but smile back at Mr. Sunshine himself and plopped down next to him.

Everyone was chatting, and there was the occasional scream, the chaos a familiar and comfortable sight at this point. The door opened and Harin and Seoyun walked in, making their way to their boyfriends. You kept looking over at Minho, who was lost in conversation with Jisung. He looked okay, didn’t seemed affected by the turn of events a few days before. However, you knew looks can be deceiving.

A short while later, the door opened, the manager walking into the room. Everyone quieted down, looking at her expectedly, giving her their undivided attention. She pulled up a stool and sat down before beginning the meeting. She went over logistics, taking about the upcoming comeback, rehearsal schedules and other minor things. At the end of the meeting she mentioned one other thing, stating that the boys would be going to Japan for a fan event. The girls could come if they wanted as there would be part of the trip where the members could sight see.

Harin and Seoyun clapped their hands, excitement on their faces. They were definitely going to go. You weren’t sure if you should go, you’d definitely have to think on it. The meeting wrapped up, everyone going their separate ways. You got up, getting ready to go when you were stopped by Jisung.

“Where are you going? Stay with us! We’re going to grab something to eat.”

You looked at the boy in front of you, hope in his eyes. You couldn’t say no, not to this face. You shook your head yes, as he smiled at your answer. You sat back down next to Felix who immediately started chatting with you. Your mood improved as the conversation went on.

“Y/n, please tell me you’re coming to Japan with us,” Felix said.

“I…I don’t know Felix. I’m not sure I’d be…welcome.”

Felix looked shocked, his eyes growing wide. “Why wouldn’t you be? We love you!”

“Thanks Lixie. But not everyone loves me,” you said as you hung your head. You started picking at your nails as the blonde stared at you. Recognition dawned on his face.

“Y/n, you know he would actually like you to be there. You don’t have to tiptoe around us just because of an argument with Mr. Stubborn.”

You giggled at the nickname Felix gave Minho, a smile breaking out on his face at the sight.

“Ok, ok Lix. I’ll go okay,” you laughed.

“Perfect! We’ll have so much fun sight seeing on our off days!”

You had no doubt about it. With this group you’d be surprised if you all didn’t get kicked out because of the chaos. You couldn’t hide, not anymore. You had to enjoy the moments as they came and this was a perfect opportunity to do. You weren’t going to let “Mr. Stubborn” as Felix called him get in your way.

Weeks passed and the day came for the group to head to Japan. You couldn’t lie, you were excited to go, as you’ve never been there before. You decided to meet with the girls before and then go to the airport together, avoiding the fans and paparazzi that was going to be there to see the boys. You were happy about this, as you still hadn’t gotten use to the nonstop flashing of lights from the cameras.

All three of you left the dorms, and made your way to the company car. You slid in next to Seoyun, settling in for the ride. You looked out the window, watching the scenery go by, many cars speeding by. It didn’t take long to get to the airport. The boys had already made it as you saw groups of fans and paparazzi following a group of men as they headed into the airpot. Grabbing your bag, you braced yourself, hoping most of the people would stick to following the boys.

The car pulled to the curb, and Harin opened the door to get out as she was closer. There were a few groups of people who turned around and saw you three get out the car, excitement on their faces once they recognized who you guys were. As you made your way to the door, you bent your head, shielding your eyes from the flashes of light from cameras.

You thought the flashes would end once you got inside, but it continued, a constant light blinding you as you made your way to the security checkpoint. You lifted your head to look ahead, noticing the boys in front of you. You had hope and were thankful that they were close. Getting through security was a slow process, with you three girls standing in the back most of the time until it was your turn. Thankfully, you didn’t have much you had to take out of your bag, making it easy to go through the detectors without issue.

Once you, Harin, and Seoyun made it through, you breathed a sigh of relief, the hoardes of people not allowed past security. You jogged to catch up to the boys, Jisung noticing you right away.

“Y/n! Hi! I’m so happy you’re here!” He said giving you a big, gummy smile.

“Hi Ji,” you said. You couldn’t help but smile back, the crowds of people forgotten.

“We’re going to grab a bite to eat while we wait to board, wanna come?”

You shook your head, noticing the other girls had made their way to their boyfriends. You could go for some food. You followed Jisung over to where Felix and Jeongin were standing, the younger boys giving you a wave and smile as you approached. You couldn’t help but look around, your eyes looking for Minho. He was standing with Chan and Harin, looking hot as always in a simple white tee and sweatpants. You quickly looked away, not wanting anyone to catch you staring.

“Alright, ready?” Felix asked.

You all nodded and began walking over to a kiosk selling ramen. After ordering, you made your way to the register ready to pay, only to have your hand slapped away, preventing you from hading your card to the cashier.

“Na uh y/n, I’ll pay ok?” Jisung said, giving you a stern look.

You could tell he was not going to budge, so you surrendered, stepping aside to let the man pay. He grinned as you moved, handing his card over to pay. You grabbed your bowl and made your way to a table with the others. The food looked amazing, as you were starving, not having ate anything since last night. You groaned with the first bite, the flavor heavenly on your tongue.

You passed the time until take off with the boys, as they laughed and joked around. Jisung started to talk about places he wanted to go on the off days, and foods he wanted to try. You listened in awe, amazed that they knew so many neat spots. Of course, you remembered they have been to Japan many times, and know their way around a little.

Looking at your watch, you mentioned you all should probably head back to the gate, boarding would take place soon. They agreed, grabbing their trash to dump on the way back. Felix fell in stride with you as you all walked back to the gate.

“Sit with me?” He asked, hope in his eyes.

You nodded yes, more than happy to sit with the sunshine boy. Felix grinned, happy you agreed. Once you all made it to the gate, boarding began, as you all filed onto the plane one by one. You settled in your seat, Felix sitting next to you. He chatted with you while you all waited to take off, the others joking around with you. The boys snapped pictures to send to fans, the plane filing with laughter. You smiled along, their happiness contagious.

Before long, it was time to leave, the plane making its way down the runway and up into the air. You settled into your seat, closing your eyes for a nap. You would need every ounce of sleep you could get, as you’re sure the agenda would be packed with activities. You drifted off, the sound of the engine as your background noise, hoping to sleep soundly until you landed.

You were awoken by being jostled in your seat, your eyes opening in a panic, looking around for the cause of the disturbance. Felix placed his hand on your lap calming you, letting you know the plane just landed. You gave him a smile, straightening up in your seat and smoothing your hair down. You all got off the plane, making your way to the cars waiting to take you to the hotel. You were about to get in the car with Felix, Jisung, Changbin, and Hyunjin but you felt a hand on your back guiding you away from the car.

“The boys have schedule today, they’ll be back later,” Harin said guiding you to a separate car.

You looked up seeing Seoyun get into a separate car. You slid in behind her, Harin following suite. The driver was taking you three to the hotel, as you were not needed for any schedule activities today. You couldn’t wait to get to your room, shower, and take a nap, exhaustion kicking in from the flight. Looking out the window, you took in the sights. There were people everywhere, walking on the sidewalks, on bikes, even the traffic was slow.

Not too much longer passed before the driver pulled up to the hotel. He helped you all with your bags, before bowing and getting back into the car. A staff member was already in the lobby, waiting for your arrival. They handed each one of you your room keys and dismissed you. Taking the keys, you grabbed your suite case and followed the others, making your way to the elevators.

Once on the assigned floor, you said your goodbyes and parted ways. You keyed yourself in, and stepped through the threshold, closing the door behind you. Tossing your shoes off, you took in your surroundings. There was a nice king size bed in the center of the room, a couch, and mini kitchenette. You walked to the window, pulling back the curtains to peak outside. Your room was facing the street, giving you a view of the busy road below, people making their way quickly to their destinations.

You closed the curtains once more and opened your suitcase, pulling out everything you needed for a shower. You decided to sleep in one of your sleep shirts, as the room was a little too warm for comfort. Stepping into the large bathroom, you turned the shower on, quickly discarded your clothes and got in. The water felt great on your skin, washing away the impurities from travel and the sweat that you are sure accumulated on you since your arrival. Once done, you turned the water off and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around your body. It didn’t take you long to get dress, tossing on a pair of panties and slipping the shirt over your head. You put your hair up into a messy bun and padded your way to the large bed.

Pulling back the covers, you slid in, sighing as your back hit the soft mattress. You felt like you were in heaven, surrounded by the fluffy covers. You felt your eyes droop before they shut for good as you succumb to sleep. You were dreaming, you knew you were dreaming because Minho was there, looking good in all his glory. He kept trying to reach out to you, but you would turn away, not wanting to entertain him. The process went on and on until you locked yourself in a room, locking the door to get away from him. It seemed to work until you heard a knock on the door, which you ignored. However, the knock kept coming, eventually becoming a pounding on the door. But wait, why would the sound get louder? Unless…

Your eyes flew open, as you looked around the room, feeling a little disoriented. You startled as another knock came to your door. This must have been what you had heard in your dream. Stretching your limbs, you got out of bed, padding your way to the door. You stood on your tiptoes to peek through the peep hole to see who it was. There stood Minho, at your door, his hands tucked in his pockets.

You were shocked, not expecting to see him, especially as you just dreamed of avoiding him. He was about to knock again when you pulled open the door, his hand paused midair. You both stood there staring at each other, neither knowing what to say. You decided to let him talk since he was the one to show up at your door. You watched as Minho’s eyes scanned your body, his eyes lingering on your bare legs. You looked down, your face heating up, realizing you were only in your sleep shirt.

You looked up once more, meeting Minho’s eyes once more. He took a deep breath before saying, “Can I come in? We need to talk.”

You considered telling him no. You wanted nothing more than to crawl back in bed and go back to sleep. However, the rational side of your brain knew you should let him in. You both really needed to talk, especially after you had that discussion with Chan.

You nodded your head and stepped aside, allowing him to cross the threshold. You closed the door and made your way into your room, signaling for Minho to sit on the couch. He walked over before sinking down, stretching his legs in front of him. You opted to sit on the edge of the bed, your legs dangling. You sat in silence as you waited for Minho to say something.

He seemed nervous, as he kept wringing his hands, as he crossed and uncrossed his legs. You had never seen him so nervous, as he always seemed confident in his words and actions. You could tell he was struggling internally with himself, probably about whether or not he should go through with this. In the end, he must have decided to just get it over with as he opened his mouth to speak.

“Y/n,” he said, his voice cracking a little. He cleared his throat before saying once more, “Y/n, I want to say I’m sorry for how I’ve acted over the last few days, hell, for since we met.”

“I…” he looked down at his hands, as he shook his leg. He swallowed, before looking up again. “I do like you y/n, more than you know. I um…I love you. I guess I didn’t know how to handle my feelings and express them. Yeah at first I was pissed, but it wasn’t you. I was mad at the company and well you happened to be here and I took it out on you.”

You listened as he rambled on, expecting every word after talking with Chan. It was nice to hear it from him, it was a start to mending your relationship.

“I am a little possessive, I don’t like to see you with other men, even if it’s the members. It does make me irritated I guess. I’ve talked with the others about it and they think I’m dumb of course, but I just want you to myself.”

Minho paused as he seemed to be reflecting. There was silence throughout the room as you waited for him to continue.

“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and it may take a while if you do decide to forgive me, but I want to apologize and hope you will consider forgiving me y/n.”

He seemed to be done, as he sat back, took a deep breath and let it out. You appreciated his words, knowing it took everything in him to come before you and apologize. You know he’s possessive, you know he’s stubborn, and you know he likes things his way. But, you also know how kind he can be, how he loves the members, how he loves his family, and yes even how he loves you.

You figured it out pretty quickly, but didn’t want to believe it, thinking no one who loves you treats you that way. Of course your theory was confirmed after speaking with Chan and now after listening to Minho. Thing is you had already forgiven him, but didn’t want to move things too quickly, wanting him to step up and take responsibility for his actions. You were willing to push past this, as you still had to abide by the contract.

You let him sit there and struggle, watching as he looked everywhere around the room except at you. You smirked to yourself at his reactions, as the boy was stressed, probably worried that you’d reject his apology. After a few more moments however, you decided to respond, put the poor boy out of his misery.

“Thank you,” you said, his head snapping up at your words. “All I wanted was an explanation, an apology. You’ve treated me like shit this last year. I adored you before signing this contract, thought you were an amazing person. Of course that perspective changed once I actually got to know you. You’re stubborn, and yes possessive, you like to do things your way, but I also know you’re a good person.”

You stopped, as you shifted on the bed. “I guess I forgive you Minho cause I guess I kind of love you too. We can start anew.”

Minho looked at you, his eyes wide, mouth hanging open. He couldn’t believe your words. You forgave him, just like that. He silently thanked his lucky stars. He shook his head, a smile starting to form on his face. You got up and walked over, quickly closing the gap. You grasped his face between your hands and sealed the promise of a new relationship with a kiss, you lips molding with his.

Just like you remembered, his lips were soft, easily moving along with yours. Minho gripped your hips and brought you closer, as he ran his tongue along your bottom lip. You relaxed your stance as you kissed the man in front of you feeling like you were where you should be.

As Minho kissed you, he pulled you into his lap, having you straddle him. The kiss grew more heated as he ducked and nipped at your lip, causing you to let out a moan. You rolled your hips along his covered cock, sighing out at the pleasure you felt. Minho gripped your hips and smoothed his fingers over your skin before snaking his hands down to your ass.

He gave the flesh a squeeze before guiding your hips back and forth, as his hardened cock brushed against your core, catching your clit just right. You whimpered at the feeling, as you wrapped your arms him and buried your face against the crook of his neck. You felt him shudder beneath you as your breath fanned against him, his as he gripped your hips harder.

With a growl deep in his chest, Minho pulled you away, picking you up and placing you down on the couch on all fours. Your head was resting on the back of the couch, your legs spread so he could see your glistening pussy. You turned your head to look at Minho as he unzipped his pants, pulling his cock out. He dragged the tip through your folds, teasing your clit over and over. It felt good and you couldn’t wait for him to breach your walls, filling you up over and over again.

“Minho, please,” you whined, arching your back more to present to him.

“Please what baby?” Minho asked, still sliding his cock through your lips, coating the tip in your arousal.

“Give me you cock, need you cock Minho.” You replied, desperation in your voice.

Minho chuckled before slamming into you, the sudden stretch causing you to yell out. He picked up a brutal pace, the sound of skin on skin echoing throughout the room. You listened as Minho let out a loud groan, adjusting his stance in order to go deeper. The change in position cause his cock to rub your sweet spot just right, the pleasure mounting which each stroke.

You felt your high approaching, as Minho abused your pussy, his cock kissing your cervix again and again. He gripped your ass, his fingers digging into the skin before he let his hand come down, slapping the flesh, causing you to moan.

“I missed this pussy baby,” Minho said, his breathing fast, his chest raising and falling rapidly. He was close, your walls hugging his cock just right, like you were made for him. He missed you and your quirkiness and your smile. He missed listening to you talk with him, no matter the topic. He was never letting you go, he knew that for sure. He guesses this is what people mean when they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

“Will you cum for me baby? Cum with me..” Minho breathed out, as he thrusted a few more times before stilling and emptying his load into you. He heard your moans, as his hot cum painted your walls, you clenching down on his member again and again. With a loud wail, he felt you cum, as you spasmed beneath him, your walls fluttering again and again.

Minho squeezed your hips before pulling out, his cum dripping onto the couch below. He pulled up his pants leaving them unzipped before lifting you up, carrying you to the bed. Placing you beneath the sheets, he pulled off his pants completely and slid in next to you, cradling you into his chest. He kissed the top of your head before saying, “I love you.”

You responded without hesitation, saying I love you back. You did love this man. You had fallen for him long ago, your heart split in two when he denied you. However, you were, in the man you love arms. You were happy he explained himself and apologized, the future looking brighter. Of course there is still a part of you wondering if he will go back on his word, just like last time. You hoped that was not the case and were willing to take the chance.

Moments passed, silence throughout the room. The only sounds you hear is the thumping of Minho’s heart as you lay on his chest. Minho gently shifted, placing you on your back, settling between your legs. He leaned down to press a kiss to your lips, his own gently massaging yours. The kiss grew heated, his tongue pushing into your mouth to entangle with yours.

You felt him push your leg up before gently sliding into your warm heat once more, as he set a gentle pace, slowly thrusting his hips into yours. He swallowed your moans, your breath getting faster as the pleasure deepened. Minho looked you in the eyes as he thrusted, moving his hand to grab yours and intertwine them, placing them above your head. The sensation was heightened, the pleasure building throughout your body, slowly making its way to your core. With a few more thrusts, you tipped over the edge, your back arching off the bed as your orgasm spread through you, causing your toes to curl and vision go white. You came hard, the feeling so intense, you couldn’t stop, as Minho continued to make love to you.

The sight below him was beautiful, you lost in ecstasy because of him. He took in your beautiful features, as you came, his cock twitching within you. He rocked his hips again and again, his orgasm approaching. A few more thrusts and he felt his release, once more flooding your walls.

You sighed at the feeling of his cum once more hitting your walls, as your breathing slowly returned to normal. Minho pressed a kiss to your lips before pulling out and getting up. You watched as he walked to the bathroom and heard the water running. A moment later he came out, a washcloth in his hands. He gently wiped you down, cleaning you of the sticky fluids. Once done, he tossed the towel away before sliding in next to you and wrapping his arms around your waist.

Minho looked you in the eyes, searching them for any regret, not finding any. “I’m never leaving again,” he whispered, kissing you once more.

“Thank goodness,” you replied, a smile on your face as you snuggled closer to him. You felt in your gut you could believe him, his actions being louder than words tonight. You were more than ready to move forward with your boyfriend, and tonight would be the start of your brand new beginning with Minho. As you drifted off to sleep, you dreamed of Minho, showering him with your love and for the first time in a long time, you slept like the dead, comforted within the arms of the man you love.

Taglist: @jehhskz @jeonginsleftcheek @simpforleeknaur @palindrome969 @armystay89 @slut4hee @ivydoesit23 @amarecerasus @kaysungshine @fun-fanfics @artemisdoe @emily21morgan @athforskz @jazziwritesthings @imperfectlyperfectprincess1 @jisunglyricist @tsunderelino @hyuneyeon @sillyhal @queenmea604 @bloominhos @partyparty-yah

[scekrex]

How about Overlord!Sinner reader who has been in Hell for a long ass time, enough to built a sizeble powerbase to keep himself safe & comfortable and more than enough time to get sick of the kind of filth that land in Hell, saw an opertunity & made off wth barely alive Adam. Taking care of him like one would a frighten animal, getting him use to gentle touches and cuddling. After all, an angel should be treated with care, especially if you're keeping it in Hell

Okay so I wrote something similar in the past, I'll make this one the second part of it. You can read it as an oneshot though, the first part includes how reader found Adam.

Bird of Hell's Paradise

When you meet my eyes, we both know that you're mine

pairing: Adam x male!reader

warnings: language & sexual tension

note: not beta read bc fuck you I don't have beta readers

Adam never experienced gentle touches. He had experienced sexual touches, he had experienced painful touches. But gentle? Maybe in Eden. Back when things had been okay, when all he had to worry about was how he'd spend the day. Before women had shattered his heart and tore his trust to pieces.

So when you provided the most gentle touch he had ever felt on his warm skin he was confused. He knew you had taken care of him before, back when you had found him, picked him up and decided to keep him. Yet the brunette had never been trapped, you had always offered him freedom. But Adam wasn't stupid, he knew the sinners down there would tear him apart within seconds. So he stayed at your place. And he even grew to like it. The mansion was huge, something that wouldn't bore Adam easily, the garden you had built was pretty, pretty and pure looking enough to remind Adam of the early days of earth. How was hell able to provide something so divine looking? It felt like it wasn't right, like that garden of yours didn't belong. And yet it fit in so perfectly.

The first man had been unconscious for most of his wound treatment, he had only woken up near the end of it and yet he remembered your gentle touch so well, remembered how careful your fingertips had touched his roughed up skin. You hadn't had any intentions to hurt him, not in the past and neither in the present. And dear god, how was Adam supposed to deny your touch when your hand felt so good against his skin? So right, so safe? It made him feel alive, the feeling of your fingers gently gliding up and down his side. He and you were still laying in bed, it was already noon but neither of you could bring themselves to leave the warm sheets. Adam's back was turned towards you, one of his wings was wrapped around the first man, the other one was slightly lifted so that he could feel your touch. While touching his body was okay, touching his wings was off the table, they were way too sensitive for that.

“Adam?” your voice sounded just as gentle as your touch felt, a low vibration that lulled Adam in within an instant, he simply hummed in response, not in the mood to give you a proper answer. “We should eat,” oh Adam knew that and his empty stomach definitely agreed with you. Yet the former angel couldn’t bring himself to leave the bed, to be apart from you and not feel your touch on him for only a second. So he simply grumbled something inaudible at you, causing you to chuckle softly. “Adam dear,” you closed the gap between your bodies, your chest was now resting against his back and the first man was quick to tense up and pull away from you. Having your hands on him was different, it felt less real, something he could easily brush off. But having your body pressed against his? Even in your gentle way? It felt realer, more serious, especially because that involved your body touching his wings. And there was no one in this world who would ever touch his wings. Not even Lute was allowed to touch the glossy golden feathers of his, so he surely wouldn’t let you touch them. And at the same time he wanted nothing more than for you to pet his wings, to softly stroke through the big golden feathers. He wanted to watch you doing so too, wanted to see every emotion your eyes would offer him in the process. It was risky though, given how sensitive they were and Adam was not ready to take that risk just yet. “I’m sorry,” your voice continued to sound like a warm, comfortable blanket that wrapped itself around Adam’s body, “Can I continue to touch your skin though?” Adam silently adored you for asking for consent, it seemed like no big deal and yet you not only apologized for invading his personal space a little too much, but you also made sure he gave you permission to continue. “I might kill you if you fucking stop touching me,” his words were empty, there was no bite behind them and the both of you were aware of that. Yet Adam felt like he had to make sure you knew who you were messing with. The former angel had fallen, had lost his chances to get back into heaven a long time ago, but he still knew how to defend himself. His moves were a little rusty because of the chest pain that came with sudden movements, but you had promised to train with him once his condition was stable enough. For now Adam had to settle with playful fights every now and then.

You were about to roll yourself out of bed in order to prepare something to eat for the both of you but Adam caught onto your plans quickly, he turned around and without thinking about it twice he pulled you close against his chest and closed his wings around your body, leaving no escape. “Fuck no,” the first man mumbled as he buried his face in your hair, your face was pressed against Adam’s naked chest. A habit the former angel had formed ever since he had grown to like your touch, he walked around shirtless, sometimes even in nothing more but boxershorts. “You’re staying,” the brunette demanded, his grip around you tightened. You hummed in agreement as your fingers went back to caressing his side. From his hip up to his chest and from there back down to his hip, stopping slightly above the hem of his underwear.

You felt the first man inhaling deeply, felt how his tense body relaxed once he was convinced you’d stay for a little longer. The former angel had issues, you had been quick to figure that out. He wasn’t taking abandonment well, it only made sense considering his past. He also grew to be quite clingy. There was no reputation to hold up, no act he needed to continue to play. For the first time since his creation Adam was able to truly relax and let himself go, to fall. Because when he fell for the first time, you caught him and he was convinced you’d catch him again. And again. And again.

And maybe that was the reason why he grabbed your wrist and guided your hand to his wing, then he waited. Your fingertips felt cool against them yet he didn’t feel like pulling away. You carefully tested the water by only rubbing small circles against the golden feathers and when Adam sighed in relief you continued. The brunette leaned into your touch almost immediately and you placed a gentle kiss on his chest. That made the first man shudder, “Don’t fucking try to make me horny, we’re not gonna fuck.” You pulled away from his skin a little, looking him in his golden eyes as you spoke, “Who said anything about having sex?” Adam huffed at your response, he seemed to dislike something about it. “You get all touchy and kissy, bitches do that when they wanna fuck.” That made you realize that he seemed to connect gentle touches with sex and sex only. It seemed no one had ever kissed his body to simply appreciate it. “Darling,” you watched as Adam’s eyes widened at the pet name, you knew he liked all the pet names that came from your lips and were directed at him, he wouldn’t admit it but he liked them. “I’m not trying to get you worked up,” your hand stopped petting his wing to prove your point, “I’m simply appreciating the privilege of being allowed to touch your divine looking body, my dear.”

The brunette remained silent for a long moment, he seemed to consider how true your words were. “Keep fucking going, then,” he grumbled and while he wanted his words to come out in a tone of annoyance, you noticed the relief and adorement they were holding for you. The first man seemed to be genuinely thankful that you would continue to touch him in such delicious ways without ruining the mood by popping a boner - or worse: forcing him to pop one.

You had his respect for that.

[heartfullofleeches]

You've got mail!

Alt title: Single Ghost babes in your area

Yan Chain-Letter Entity + Amab/G.N "Loser" Reader [smut, mdni]

[Tags: light horror elements, masturbation, tit fucking]

-

!WARNING!

Now that you've read this, there is no going back.

The woman in this photo was a young bride getting for her big day. Following traditions of her new family, she was forced to wear her veil the entire week predating the ceremony, and quite unhappy with her situation. Her marriage was arranged and she had yet to fall for her new husband. She begged for a way out, help given in the form a voice from the shadows offering to change her appearance the night before her wedding. When her husband and in-laws saw her new face the next day - they all went mad from terror. This image is the only picture of her face and she'll do anything to keep it hidden.

Send this message to eight people in seven days, or she'll visit you at midnight on the final day."

"...."

"... hear me out..."

The air stills - warranted caution to keep your big mouth shut where input was not needed - or wanted.

"Why is she hot?..."

A collective, drawn out groan harmonizes from those plagued by your company.

"..what the actual fuck is wrong with you?"

Below the totally scary and terror inducing text was a photo of a woman shrouded in darkness. Part of her dark outline rooted from the shadowy grey veil draping to her long, thin neck, and waist-length jet black hair framing her pale, ashen skin. Her sunken eyes and mouth agap in a silent scream stretched the cloth against her hollow cheeks - small, white irises fainty visible from her empty sockets and the veil that hide them. The same white eyes your friend had alleged to have been staring them back at them when they looked in the mirror all week.

As unsettling as the picture was to most in your group, your eyes had settled on the more pleasant sight of her shapely figure shown off in the tightly fitted, lacey gown she wore.

"What?! I can't be the only one that noticed how huge her tits are! I hate when people make these cheesy attempts to scare you, and the monster that's supposed to be sooo scary is just some ghost. You can't even really see her face in the first place!"

"God, how do we put up with you... Just make sure you send that back to the rest of us before you leave."

The bulk of your collective friend group had gathered to comfort the unfortunate soul who received the email, and squander their fears by sending it between one another to meet the chain letter's rule. You tagged along for the offer of free lunch, and now that you've gotten your meal you're ready to head home and avoid meeting these people again with the exception of an online space. You stand up from the table, tucking your phone into your back pocket.

"Yea, yea I'll do it when I get home."

"Y/n..."

"I said I'll do it later. I promise, as soon as I get through the door I'll do it."

-

11:58....

11:59....

12..

Opening your eyes, you expect to find angry, sunken eyes staring back, but all you see is the blank white wall of your ceiling. A week ago, you sorta forgot about the whole chain letter scare by the time you made it home, and only remembered minutes before the deadline upon realizing how pathetic it'd look if you died with your dick in your hands when you opened a new priva tab on your laptop. As figured, not a damn thing happened upon the stroke of midnight and quite frankly you felt it must've just been some stupid prank by your friends after not hearing a word from any of them during that time frame. You guessed there'd be no hot ghost chick to cause your untimely demise this time - but it never hurt to make sure.

"Gee, I sure hope a sexy ghost doesn't pop out to kill me right as I pull down my sweatpants. That would sure suck, and the embarrassment alone would probably end me!"

Nothing. You reopen your laptop with a heavy sigh. "Welp- Since I'm still alive, guess it's back to tonight's scheduled plans."

Tugging one hand into the waist of your sweats, you pull up one of your usual sites for quality adult content - scouring for the right material to fit the mood. Alot of good choices, but strangely every thumbnail you clicked lead to a dead link. You switch to multiple sights, but the same thing just kept happening. Frustrated, you don't bother wasting time looking at the preview of a message sent by one of your friends as you scroll. If they could wait this long to text you, they could wait a little longer for you to respond.

Ready to throw in the towel and let your imagination work its magic - you finally manage to get a stream open through sheer determination and miscellaneous presses.

"Finally...." You push your sweats past your thighs as the video opens on a woman sitting on a bed. The room is too dark to see most of her, but the camera and lighting was centered on all you needed to see to pull out your swelling length. The woman's flowing gown hugged the plump flesh of her thighs, rolling up to her hips - and revealing the of her transparent fabric of her underwear as she parted her legs slowly. She removes one strap from her shoulder, long hair falling over her breasts as she contorted to better fit her face into frame.

Head crashing into your pillow with a small groan, you fist your cock to the woman's beautiful image and thought of her large tits in placement of your palm. Your hand could only mirror a fraction of their softness and you whine as your thumb pressing the tip, picturing plush lips closing around you as you came. Your entire being yearned to paint her pretty face and chest in your release - narrowly avoiding the unnatural whites of her eyes at the intensity and build up of your climax left your own body out of your control.

Peeling your eyes open for the second time, the speed of your hand slows as you start to get the odd feeling of being watched. Looking back at the screen, the woman stares back, appearing directly in front of the camera as cold sweat breaks down your neck. Her fingers slither along the glass, reaching through your monitor as your eyes widen in horror. You scream- throwing the laptop as far from your person as you coward against the bedframe. It lands, screen upwards feet from your bed. Loud cracks and snaps play from the speakers as the woman pulls herself free with janky, articulated movements. Her gown falls down to her knees and her veil washes over her face as she climbs to her feet.

You pull your blankets over your shamefully, almost painfully hard dick as you raise your hands in defeat. "Please don't kill me! I'll send the messages right now, for real!'

The woman cocks her head to one side - eyes shrinking as you cover yourself.

"Don't hide...."

She crawls over your quivering legs, gripping at the end of her veil.

"I've taken on so many face - yet, none of them have ever been called attractive before.... Tell me..."

The room light's flicker as she pulls the veil upwards - slowly revealing the dark void where her face used to be. Thin claw marks drew from the intact flesh of her cheeks and jaw to the permanent shadows gouging her features dug deep as if whatever had done this to her had taken more than just her face. The pearly points of her teeth and the whites of her eyes were all that remained of her mortal beautiful. Shaking in fear, your body betrays your fright as your cock jumps watching her drag her tongue over her sharp rows of teeth.

"Do you think I'm beautiful now?...."

At lost for words, you dip your head in reply - eventually squeaking through a strained voice. "You're the hottest ghost that's ever been in my room.

The woman's body writhes with a full body shutter as she takes the blanket in her hands. "Let's see that I'm the only person in your bedroom... living or otherwise."

You hiss from the cool air enveloping your cock as the entity tears the last shield protecting your shred of dignity away. It not like the had much to begin with, but sleeping with the ghost that most likely killed your friends definitely took whatever was left. Her heated breath fans your skin as your cock springs from your shorts and against her cheek. Turning her head, your muscles lock as her sharp teeth come to contact with the head of your penis. There's some give before them, lips hidden by the shadows of her face puckered around your weeping tip as an impossible long snakes from between the two and spirals down your girth as her breasts spill from her tightly fitted top.

Cradling an arm beneath them, the ghost woman sandwiches cards your dick between her breasts. Her tongue, still working around you, provides lubrication - and lewd suction as she bounces the weight of her large tits in your lap. The tip of her tongue grazes your balls and you feel them tighten as you rock your hips into the supple flesh of her chest. Her tongue squeezes at your increasing pulse and her veil falls back in place as she to uses both hands to better assist her assault on your pulsing dick.

You tangle your hand through her hair, cock swallowed by her breasts and plump lips. Your other gropes at her tits, toying with her nipples as hitched gasps and the growing sloppiness of your thrusts signed your peak. The coil in your lower abdomen breaks right as she pulls her lips from your swollen head, using her tongue, face and breasts to catch the milky fluid that pumps from you in thick spurts. The white streaks contrast the dark silhouette of her face and as she looks up at you, you use a discarded blanket to wipe some of it away before collapsing on your mattress in a sweaty, panting heap.

The cotton touch of your pillow is placed with soft flesh as the woman crawls beside you in bed and pulls you closer to her. She brushes hair away from your clammy forehead, raising her veil to kiss your skin as your arms fall around her.

"Sleep now, my love... We'll play more once you've gotten some rest. I look forward to all the things we'll do in the future. I'm sorry about your friends, but I seem to be more of the jealous type..."

You fight off the spell of exhaustion to shrug lazily with a reply that makes your new wife smile from ear to ear.

"Eh.... fuck 'em, it was worth it."

[femsolid]

“We’re in 2019. Female hair is CENSORED everywhere. You don’t see it on TV. You don’t see it in magazines or adverts. There is an injunction of society for women to remain 'soft' and completely hairless. Just like a little girl. I don’t believe that’s a coincidence. Young, skinny, hairless girls have been very popular in the media for years and it makes me wonder. Who's behind it all? Who's perpetuating this message about women looking like adolescent girls? It sometimes feels rather paedophilic. It worries me.” – Camille Alexander. Musician (2019)

“Years ago I did think about getting laser hair removal for my navel hair, but then I realised I'd be paying a couple of hundred pounds just to conform to expectations that I don't even care about– I'd much rather use the money for a holiday or circus lessons! I think that's one of the things which annoys me so much about society and the media's expectation for women to be basically hairless– they're pressuring us to invest serious time and money and endure pain. It's a double standard and it's unfair. Being able to accept your body– hair, scars and all– is freeing. I remember seeing my Aunt Glynis dancing to reggae in the 90s with her armpit hair showing– she looked so confident, happy and free. As a child, I couldn't put my finger on 'why', but I can now. On a practical level, it feels pretty darn good when I consider how much time, money and pain I've saved by accepting my body as it is. I like to think that that memory of my aunt being free and totally comfortable in her own skin is one that I can emulate and pass onto other girls and women. It hasn't always been received well though. At Lambeth County Fair one year, a friend of a friend was seriously freaked out when he saw my armpits. He asked me "what's wrong with you? Why would you do that?!", which was pretty amusing but bewildering. It reminded me there will always be people out there who may react and judge me like that. Thankfully, the opinion of people who think like that means very little to me! For me having hair and not caring is a bit like being part of a secret club. When you notice someone else who is resisting society's expectations and staying hairy you feel solidarity and respect. It's nice to be part of that.” – Isabel (2019)

“As a teenager, I remember trying to stuff myself into a box of what a girl should be like. It always felt uncomfortable; padded bras, shoes that hurt and shaving rash. Running, swimming and climbing have helped me to see the strength and resilience in my body and to love it for what it is. Growing my armpit hair has been a recent experiment and the longer it gets, the more I like it! I like the way it looks & feels. It has given me a new respect for myself. So I say, embrace growth & if it pleases you, let it all grow!” – Jess (2018)

“Shaving, epilating or waxing hurts. I was tired of suffering, trying to adapt to the image of a ‘beautiful young woman’ society is selling us. Everybody told me to shave. As a teenager, it’s a huge subject among girls; where do you shave? What method are you using? It takes so much time and costs so much money (the majority of hair removal products are also not recyclable). All of these reasons coming one after another motivated me to stop shaving. I would often have irritated skin after shaving and being a very sporty person, the sweat and the friction of my clothes would cause pain.The worst thing was having sex on the second day after shaving my vulva. I didn't understand why women would suffer and waste so much time on hiding who they really are. By showing my body hair on stage, I would like to stimulate and change people’s point of view. I’d like to motivate women to make their own choices.”

– Darian Koszinski. Circus artist (2018)

“I stopped shaving completely when I was a teenager because of two instances. The first? I got tired of all the time wasted on maintenance and the discomfort that came with it. The second was when I went on a few multiple week-long backpacking trips; it would have been extremely inconvenient to spend hours ripping my hair out, so I let things grow. Being so close to nature let me dive deeper into and re-examine the relationship with myself and the world, acting as a mirror. In nature, there is wild; it is as beautiful as it is untamed. How could it be anything other than that? I felt so relieved and free when I let it grow out. It felt like being able to breathe. It was incredibly comfortable too. I felt a confidence and boldness returning, like I was replenishing some kind of primal power. I will say that a very pleasant side effect of having armpit hair is its ability to ward off rude people whom I wouldn’t care to interact or associate with anyway. Because the people that care about that sort of thing and make it a point to say how disgusted they are, are precisely the kind of people that I don’t want in my life.”

– Kyotocat (2017)

“At this point in life, I feel that the real question shouldn't be 'why did you let your armpit hair grow?' But actually, 'why did you shave in the first place?' Please celebrate your body! Own who you are and be that! Those who celebrate who and what they are, are creating a much open and safer space for those who are struggling to understand who and what they want to be in life. It might be easier said than done but give it a try. We'll then help create a healthier and understanding society with less bullshit than there already is...”

– Alex Wellburn (2017)

“I never stopped shaving because I never started. I do remember my mother shaving when I was younger and I thought that was pretty unnecessary since she was a strict muslim. I later realised it's a thing women do to look more desirable to men. It really irritated me that the people who reacted negatively to my natural armpit hair were men. Like it was the most disgusting thing in the world. It really gets on my tits. This is just one more reason that I don't shave it off. It belongs to me and I don't make noise about the "ugly"; hair on men which are sometimes pretty painful in the eye... But you've got to get over it and don't let these idiots get under it. I would recommend growing it to any women.”

– Ayan Mohamed. Graduate architecture student (2014)

Natural Beauty Photoshoot

[themattress]

Untitled Kairi Post

Y'know what? In a way, Kairi was tragically doomed as a character from the very beginning.

"Oh, because she was a love interest and damsel in distress!"

No. Myths, fairy tales and, well, Disney movies have used those tropes for ages, and if you're doing a story where a huge point is the influence of those things, it's kind of a given that the leading lady be a love interest and damsel in distress. And the writing is smart enough to put a twist on the trope given that Kairi's distress is much less than it appeared to be because she's Sora's love interest and he's her's, and after Sora saves her she saves him right back.

"Oh, because she wasn't a playable character or party member!"

No. It would have been nice to have the playable puzzle solving-based Kairi sequence they initially planned at Hollow Bastion, but I can understand why it was removed given how it would slow down the pace following what is perhaps the signature sequence of the game. And in any case it doesn't have any bearing on how things went for the rest of the series, given that Riku also was not a playable character or party member (he just had a crappy AI when pretending to help you fight Parasite Cage all so that he could kidnap Pinocchio).

"Oh, because she was stuck in a coma the whole game!"

NO! God damn it, how much must the game beat the point into your stupid head!?

And who could forget?

Stop laughing right now.

Kairi. Not just "her heart". KAIRI. Since the heart = the person.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, it exposes some serious sexism if one goes with the "Kairi was in a coma" line for KH1 and yet says "Ventus was inside of Sora" post BBS, since it's literally the exact same situation except that Kairi was always awake within Sora's heart as opposed to Ventus only waking up at the end of 3D. It's why Sora felt things regarding Hollow Bastion, why he experienced the memory of Kairi and her grandfather, and why he saw and heard Kairi multiple times. He wasn't hallucinating; that was always really her.

So, enough beating around the bush. What did I actually mean, then?

Well....let's start at the beginning.

Kairi's arc in the original Kingdom Hearts is not just told through the writing. Utilizing a video game as a visual/audible medium, it is also told through animation, voicework and music. During her introductory cutscene, we see Kairi asked by Sora if she remembers the world she was born in before being sent to Destiny Islands. "I told you before. I don't remember." She answers this sincerely. "Nothing at all?" Sora responds. That's when we see this detail.

"Nothing." Kairi is lying. She doesn't remember everything given the trauma caused by being forced out of her old home, but she does remember just enough to understand why it was traumatic. She had a comfortable life there, and a family. She was happy. And then it was all gone in an instant. Now, on Destiny Islands, she is similarly content ("Well, I'm happy here.") and fears risking that same loss. And yet a small part of her still yearns for the past. She loved what she can recall of her past, as she loves her present. She fears only the future.

Riku's fixation on his existential woes and the mysteries of the universe, while also putting her up on some sort of pedestal like she's something special, is not helping at all. Something about it feels wrong to Kairi...wrong and uncomfortably familiar. It's making her very anxious.

But Kairi has someone to lean on and help her keep up an optimistic, cheerful front, perhaps enough to talk herself into believing it: Sora. And during this scene, we hear the track "Kairi I":

This track reflects Kairi's character in this moment. While there is a subtle undercurrent of worry, her heart is strong enough to not let it get to her and look on the bright side as she looks out to the sun setting over the ocean. With Sora's reassurance, she is able to feel as though her home and friends won't change or go away no matter what happens on her, Sora and Riku's planned voyage, which allows her to feel anticipation for it. All finally feels right.

Of course, things were not right, and Kairi ended up in heart form as her body and soul were lost to darkness along with Destiny Islands. From Kairi's POV, she is now in the Station of Awakening (aka Dive to the Heart) and can do little but watch Sora's adventures as she can see them through his eyes, not fully putting it together why she can and where she truly is.

In the scene at Merlin's House, we get to hear "Kairi II".

While it's similar to "Kairi I", there is now a more somber and mysterious feel to it given the present circumstances. While she doesn't know if Sora can hear her, Kairi wistfully waxes nostalgic over how Merlin's House reminds her of the Secret Place on Destiny Islands. And while Kairi feels sad over missing that place, she's also happy that there are places like it elsewhere in the universe. She's clearly learning as much from Sora's journey as Sora is.

Finally, we hear "Kairi III" in the flashback with little Kairi and her grandmother.

And while it starts out reflecting Kairi's childhood innocence, it ends up turning...almost sad. The reason why being one of the most overlooked details of the scene: at the end of the grandmother's story, she disappears, and little Kairi is shown moving her head all around looking for her. This isn't actually part of the memory, but a reflection of Kairi's heart. She knows that she had a grandmother and that her grandmother isn't here anymore, but she can't remember how her grandmother "left". But she at least still exists...within her heart.

Speaking of which, once Kairi's heart returns to her body and Sora loses his heart in the process, Kairi puts her foot down. She may have learned how to better deal with and accept change and loss, but a line still has to be drawn somewhere and Sora is that line for her.

Thus is she able to save him. Later, we see her worry about the future and things changing again when she questions whether anything can be the same between her, Sora and Riku again after the corruption Riku had underwent. Once again, Sora boosts her optimism.

More importantly, he helps her learn, as he does, that even when separated you can take strength in keeping your loved ones (metaphorically) in your heart, and that even if things change and Kairi is cut off from the people and things she loves, they will always exist within her heart, just as with her grandmother and the story she told her about light and darkness.

This is why, in the end, Kairi is able to let Sora go and yet still feel content.

From "Hikari" (JP):

I'll stop doing pointless things like thinking about the future. Today I'll eat delicious things. The future is always before us, Even if I don't know it.

From "Simple and Clean" (EN):

 Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all.  Nothing's like before.

This is a really good, really well done character arc.

It's also a very human character arc.

Yes, there are a lot of fantastical things going on, but when you put all of that aside, what are you left with? A young girl moves away from her old home and everything that she ever knew and loved, which gives her anxiety about the same thing happening with the new home and everything that she's come to know and love from it, which now includes a certain boy. She fears the future; she fears change. In the end, she ends up staying in her new home - but the boy moves away! However, through her time spent with him she's learned to accept this because he'll always be a part of her heart, which is something that won't ever change.

When put that way, it sounds positively mundane, and by and large the KH fandom - and Tetsuya Nomura himself for that matter - don't want or like mundane stuff like that. They want the crazy, the overdramatic, the angsty, the flashy, the anime tropeyness they're familiar with. This is why they were unreceptive to Kairi's arc to the fullest degree, as in many of them are literally unaware it even happened because they were too busy fixating on the archetypal Japanese media-style dick measuring contest between Sora and Riku (which is also far deeper than they tend to give it credit for, btw, but I digress). And if that's the case, then the question gets raised: why bother focusing on or expanding Kairi at all? She doesn't "sell".

THIS is why Kairi was doomed from the start. It's not her fault. But it's sadly the truth.

[forever-rogue]

If you’re still taking Joel imagines k wanted to request an imagine where reader has nightmares and Joel has to comfort her? The last episode hurt, I could use some fluff 🥹

AN | Joel would really just be the best, wouldn’t he?

Pairing | Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Warnings | Language

Word Count | 1.7k

Masterlist | Joel, Main

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Fuck,” you sat up, rod straight, heart beating wildly and mind reeling. It took a few moments to remember where you were, blinking away the bleariness of your eyes as they adjusted to the low light of your bedroom. You felt clammy and sweaty, wiping off your brow as you looked at the other side of the bed. 

Joel wasn’t there. The realization caused a small huff to escape your lips as you touched the spot where he would normally be sleeping. The fabric was cold; he hadn’t made it to bed yet. The glaring red numbers of the ancient alarm clock told you that it was almost three in the morning. 

With a heavy sigh, you tried to clear the last of the nightmare from your mind before slipping out of the bed and padding towards the kitchen. Joel was nowhere to be found, so you assumed he might be out patrolling or he was going through another bout of insomnia. 

The coffee maker was calling out to you, despite the fact that you should have been drinking anything but coffee right now. Unfortunately - perhaps fortunately - it didn’t appear that you were going to get any more sleep anytime soon. You decided to just do it, and grabbed the pot along with your coffee, quickly throwing it all together. 

You grabbed a book off the shelf and sat at the small, well loved and worn kitchen table, reading as you listened to and smelled the coffee brewing. It brought a sense of routine and relief to your life, one that helped to make the nightmares seem further away. Like a distant memory rather than something you were struggling with on a seemingly regular basis at this point. 

At this point you couldn’t even remember the last time you made it through a full evening. The nightmares had mostly gone away for a long time, but recently they’d been coming. They were haunting your nights, which slowly bled over into your days when you were overcome with exhaustion because you hadn’t been sleeping. It was a vicious cycle.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You weren’t even sure how much time had passed until you were startled out of your little trance by Joel waving his fingers in front of your face, “baby?”

You made a small sound of surprise as you looked up to find him watching you in question. Closing the book, you offered him a small smile. He didn’t return it.

“H-hey,” you mumbled softly, “what’s up?”

“What’s up?” his eyebrow was raised but his expression was set into a thin, hard line, “I should be asking you that. Why aren’t you in bed, honey? And you’re making coffee?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” you confessed softly after a few beats of tense silence passed between the two of you; you had to look away, unable to keep your gaze on his, “so I just got up. I dunno, it’s nothing really.”

He paused for a moment, sighed heavily in that way he normally did, before putting a finger under your chin and turning your face up to his, “the nightmares?”

You hesitated for a moment before slowly nodding, “yes.”

"How long?"

"A while," you admit after a long, sharp pause. You could see his brow furrowing, "it doesn't matter, Joel. It's fine."

"Why didn't you say anything?" He looked…upset. You couldn't bring yourself to meet his eyes anymore.

"Because I knew you'd react like this," it sounded so sharp and harsh out loud.

"Like what?" But he didn't snap at you; just looked worried. 

"Like it's this huge deal," you shrugged, "it's not like either of us can do anything. It's fine. I can deal with it."

He hung his head with a heavy sigh before crouching down in front of you. He put his large hands on your thighs, giving them a reassuring squeeze, "I don't want you to just have to go through this and deal with it. I want to make it better or at least help you."

"I know," you put your hands on top of his and gave them a gentle touch, "I'm sorry for snapping at you. I'm just…tired. In general. But you, you are a good man."

"That's because I love you," he leaned up and pressed a kiss to the side of your head, "come on - let's go to bed and get you some rest."

"W-what if…they come back?" your voice sounded so small and soft, "what will I do then?"

"Don't worry about that," he cooed gently, "I'll protect - keep you safe."

"Okay," you looked at him with soft eyes, "okay."

Maybe things would be better with him.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The next few days passed more or less without incident. You were able to get some sleep, not all together restful but also not fueled by haunting nightmares. 

It was light Joel had some sort of magical power that always made things better. And honestly, you liked having him hold you at night, making you his little spoon. 

But he was only human after all, and there was only so much he could do. 

After a few nights of solace, it all came back. And full force at that.

This particular nightmare was one of your recurring ones. It also happened to be your worst fear - losing Ellie and Joel. It happened in the same way every time; you somehow managed to attract a horde and found yourselves in a blocked off location where none of you were able to make it to safety. It always ended the same way - you were left to watch helplessly as the life was ripped from the two people you loved most in this world. 

You were woken up to a firm hand on your shoulder, shaking you gently to pull you from slumber. By the time your eyes managed to open and you were pulled back to reality, tears were running down your face. You hadn’t even realized you were crying until Joel gently reached over to touch your face, wiping away all of your tears. His heart broke with how sad your eyes were sad as you wordlessly looked at him. 

“Baby,” the affection dripped from his lips like golden honey and your lip trembled with effort as you tried not to cry, “you’re okay - you’re here. I’ve got you.”

“Was I…what happened?” you sniffled, preening into his touch as he brushed a few stray locks of hair out of face. 

“You were talking,” he said it so softly it was almost like he didn’t want you to hear it, “and crying. I figured it was another nightmare and I thought the best thing to do was to wake you up. I’m sorry sweetheart.”

“Don’t be,” you put your hand on top of his where it rested on your cheek as he brushed his thumb over your cheek, “it’s okay. You actually managed to wake me up right before…”

“Before…” he gently prodded you to continue, never pushing too much, “what happened? Tell me.”

“It’s the same as it always it is,” you swallowed thickly; you’d never told him the entire truth, “Ellie…and you. Dying."

The man appeared taken aback for a moment as he studied you with concerned eyes. You turned your head away, but Joel made a small sound of concern, "you never told me."

"I never thought it was necessary," he could sense the emotion in your voice, "with you knowing it really wouldn't have changed anything. Maybe just made you more worried."

"I'm not…worried," he was a horrible liar, "I just…I don't know. I wish there was something I could do."

"I don't know if there's anything anyone can do," that was the worst part of all, "but honestly, I'm just thankful to have you here."

"You'd tell me if there was anything I could do to help, right?" you loved this man. You loved him beyond words, so much that it took your breath away sometimes.

"I would," your pretty smile that he loved so much worked its way back on your face, little by little, "but honestly, right now I think the best thing is having you here and next to me."

"Then that is exactly what I'll do," he promised, soft and saccharine. You sat up and leaned in to kiss cheek, letting your lips linger against his skin, "whatever you need or want, just say it and it's yours."

"I wouldn't expect anything less," you really wouldn't. You knew this man would do anything for you, "you're a good man, Joel Miller."

"There's plenty of people that would argue with you on that one," his lighthearted response made you feel instantly better, "besides, the only real opinions I need - or welcome - are from my girls."

"Soft and gentle hearted," a small laugh escaped your lips, despite the anxiousness that still remained in your bones, "I love it - I love you."

"I love you," he held your chin as he pressed his lips to yours. Things might not have been perfect right now, but at least they were better. And you had no doubt that things would continue to improve, if not now then perhaps soon, "I'll do whatever you need me to, baby. Seriously. Just say the word, and I'll do it."

"I know," you pressed your forehead to his, "I know. But right now will you just hold me? Please?"

"I can do that much," he agreed, as if it had ever been a question, "come on baby, make yourself comfortable and I'll take care of you."

"Promise?"

"Always." 

[golbrocklovely]

mr. fantastic // sam golbach

A/N: first off, sorry this is getting posted so late. had to make some last minute revisions. so, for this one and colby's fic later on, i need to give some slight context. basically in both of these, they are AUs were snc are corrupt ppl, or have a bit of a corruption aspect to their personalities. some of these fics are/can be seen as dark, so i totally get if you don't feel comfortable reading it. just give a good look over of the trigger warnings and see how you feel. if you do enjoy it, please lmk what you think. also this fic is very vaguely based off the boys, the tv show/comic book series. sam is a smidge (and i mean a very tiny amount) reminiscent of homelander. do with that information as you will. happy haunting!

prompt: everyone around you loves sam, or as he's commonly known as - mr. fantastic. but you can see right through his facade. but when he starts winning over your friends, you know something is going on, and it's not good. || AU!superhero!sam x fem!reader

trigger warning: SMUT, enemies-to-lovers, you used to have a crush on sam in high school and now he's a superhero, superhero!sam, corrupt!sam, twist ending, i would say a hint of dubcon (but y/n never says no or stop, but just to be on the safe side i'm letting yall know), manipulation via powers and magical handcuffs (it will make sense in the story lol), hate fucking/rough sex, unprotective sex, cursing, mentions of: babygirl, slut, good girl, my girl, baby, degrading language

word count: 6769

I couldn't stand him, or anyone else like him. Everyone praised the ground he walked on, but me? Every time I saw him, he made me sick to my stomach.

Well, maybe not sick. But I did hate seeing his dumb, stupid face.

You would think with superheroes becoming known to the public, life would get easier. Crime would go down, more criminals would be off the streets, and the overall quality of life would skyrocket. But that just wasn't factually accurate. Did you know in my city alone, the crime rate has gone up 25% since last year? And what exactly are the superheroes doing about it? Causing more destruction and chaos. I swear, bad things only truly started happening once they came out to the public all those years ago.

The only saving grace I had in my life was that I wasn't alone in my feelings towards superheroes. I had my two best friends, Macie and Rachel, and they both felt the same way I did. Especially towards the best-known superhero in our city, Mr. Fantastic. His real name was Sam Golbach, and I hated him deeply.

He and I had history, you could say. We both went to the same high school. We were both nerdy, and just overall losers. We graduated and moved away to the same city, and then a couple years ago, all of a sudden, he is shown on the news as the newest superhero to save us. It made no sense to me because I remember him from high school. He never had powers. And there's no way that he, the guy that got shoved into lockers and made fun of for being a band nerd, would have tolerated being bullied like that if his powers were super strength and flight. And not only that, but the way the news describes his upbringing: it's all a lie! They paint him to be this all-American boy. They say he was a jock and just a bit shy for most of his life until finally growing into his powers at 19. Most superheroes get their powers by 16, so that alone should be telling that something is off with him. But no. Everyone just believes the lies he tells them. And that is why I hate him.

I may also hate him because I had a huge crush on him in high school and he never gave me the time of day. But I mostly hate him for all of the superhero stuff, not the high school bullshit.

Mostly.

It was like any other normal Tuesday in our office. Our manager, Sally, would bring in donuts, George would make some comment about the week moving too slowly, and around ten o'clock we would all have to stop working to watch the daily superhero news. It was mandatory in our office, as our jobs revolved around fixing superheroes’ fuck ups.

It was almost ten, and we all sat around the flatscreen hanging in the middle of one of our bigger conference rooms, waiting for the news to begin. I glanced around, noticing that Rachel wasn't in. I furrowed my brow, leaning towards Macie.

"Have you seen Rach?" I asked.

She shrugged, "No but I talked to her last night and she seemed fine. Maybe she's just running late or is taking a half day."

I hummed, "Maybe..."

The news turned on loudly, quieting everyone in the office. I leaned back in my chair, sighing deeply. God, please let today be a normal, boring news day.

"Hello everyone, thank you all for coming out this morning," the police commissioner nodded his head, looking at the audience that had formed outside of the precinct. "As always, we like to start with the positives and then move onto the, uh, wreckage. Please hold all questions until the end of the press conference. And now, I pass the stand to Mr. Fantastic."

A bunch of people clapped in the office, some wooing lowly. I grimaced, rolling my eyes the moment he popped on screen.

"Good morning, hello. Oh no need for cheering, thank you. You're too kind," He smiled brightly, shushing the crowd politely. "First, like I always say during these press conferences, thank you for letting me protect this city. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I couldn't protect the lovely citizens of this place."

"You'd probably be working at a Burger King by now." I mumbled, getting close to Macie. She snickered, gazing back at the screen.

"So last night was eventful, like most nights here. I was able to stop two car jackings, and finally put an end to the mask thief that's been vandalizing all of the inner city's school buses. You can all be glad that today, your kids are riding on safe, clean transit." Sam pointed, giving his trademark wink and smile.

I groaned, lulling my head back in the chair. Could this day get any more boring?

"I also have some fantastic news to share with you all," He chuckled, the crowd following suit. "I saved a special young woman from a purse nabbing and possible assault last night around 2:30. Now as you all know, I know many of the people I save like to remain anonymous, but this one really wanted to let you all know how she felt. And of course, I just can't say no to any of you. So please, allow me to give her the floor." He let out another laugh, backing away from the mic. I glanced at the clock, realizing only five minutes had passed. God must have been punishing me, specifically.

Suddenly, everyone in the room gasped, Macie being the loudest. She slapped my leg, pointing at the tv. I turned and my eyes widened at the sight. Rachel, with tears welling up in her eyes, stood at the podium, smiling brightly. "Thank you all. I just wanted to say that Mr. Fantastic," she turned to him giving him a sensual gaze, "Sam, is one of the best superheroes around. This man saved my life, and I couldn't be more grateful for him. He is amazing and so handsome, and this city should be thankful to have a man like him. I love you, Sam. Thank you so much."

She reached over, giving him a huge hug. He accepted her embrace, allowing her to run her hands almost up and down his body too many times.

My mouth dropped open, unable to comprehend what I was watching. Rachel hated Sam just as much as I did. Literally last week she wished a car would fall out of the sky and squish him because he held up her commute stopping a supervillain from breaking out of the state prison. And now she was on tv, basically ready to suck his dick, because he saved her!

Macie and I looked at each other, knowing we needed to talk to Rach as soon as possible. I sent Rach a quick text, telling her to meet us at our usual lunch spot.

~~~~

My eyes narrowed at Rachel, her smile irritating me. "Please, repeat the story one more time for me."

"Okay, if I must," she giggled. "Last night I went to the corner store because I was craving some ice cream. As I was walking home, a man rushed me and stole my purse. I tried to chase after him but couldn't catch him. He ran across the street, and out of the shadows... there was Sam. He swooped in, grabbed the man, roughed him up, and got my purse back to me. God, it was seriously so hot to see him in action like that."

Rach lightly fanned herself, and I had to hold back my vomit.

"So, he saved you, gave you your purse back. And then what?" Macie questioned.

She continued, "He walked me home and... I woke up this morning knowing I had to thank him for saving my life. So on my way to work, I stopped by the police station, saw him and begged him to let me speak at the conference."

I blinked hard, "He didn't save your life. You weren't threatened. Some random dude just stole your purse."

She pouted, "Yeah, but he saved me so much hassle of having to call my credit card companies and tell them to shut everything off and having to get a new I.D.-"

I jumped in, "I get that, and I'm not trying to downplay it, but like.... last week you wanted a car to fall out of the sky on top of him."

"And the week before that we betted on the subway crushing him between the tracks during that pipe burst. What's changed?" Macie argued, taking a sip of her coffee.

"He saved me," she stated plainly, with a soft smile. "You know, I think we've been so focused on this idea of him that I think if we got to really know him, we would know he's a great guy."

"Have you forgotten that he is lying to the public about his upbringing and reputation? Or the fact any time he saves someone, there is destruction in his wake that our company has to clean up, causing our jobs to be more difficult?" I scowled at her, unable to hold back.

She rolled her eyes hard, "Oh, come off it, Y/N. The only reason you care about that is because he rejected you in high school and you're too hung up on it."

"Excuse me?" I deadpanned.

Rach crossed her arms defiantly. "You heard me. I will no longer be a part of your rain-on-Sam parade. He is an amazing man. And a great superhero."

"Even if any of that were true, you gotta admit that this 180 you're doing is weird. You fucking hated him last night." Macie argued.

"And now I want to marry him." Rach smirked.

My eyes widened, "What the fuck did you just say?"

"If you want me to be honest, I'll say it. I think he is the man of my dreams and everything I could hope for in a partner. I want him, and I hope he'll have me." She turned to Macie, almost giggling, "I slipped him my number at the conference."

"You can't be fucking serious, Rach." I groaned.

"I just know he’s great in the bedroom..." Rach thought out loud.

"Oh... so you've completely lost it. Good to know." I remarked, taking a quick sip of my coffee.

"Don't be jealous of our love. Maybe one day he'll save you too." She quipped.

I laughed sarcastically, "I would rather get crushed by a car, thanks."

~~~~

Two weeks had passed since Rach's incident with Sam. We hadn't been talking to one another all that much, just casual conversation in passing. Maybe she was right to some extent. Maybe I was holding onto this hatred for Sam just because he didn't care about my existence back when we were kids. I should let it go, and stop being such a hater.

At least, I thought that way, until this morning.

I had tunnel vision as I glared at the tv, unable to peel my eyes away as I watched the news. Another press conference. Another day of kissing Sam's ass. But this time, he again introduced another woman that wanted to thank him publicly. And this time... it was Macie.

Her spiel was the same, her mannerisms almost identical to Rach's speech. I watched, my mouth a gaped, as she thanked Sam profusely for saving her from the purse nabber. She leaned up and kissed his cheek multiple times, her hands gripping the collar of his shirt desperately.

You've got to be fucking kidding me. There's no way that this was actually happening. Something fishy was going on, and it had everything to do with Sam. I fucking knew he was trouble. I just needed to get proof.

I met with Macie alone at our usual spot. I begged her to tell me everything in detail, and her story was eerily similar to Rachel's.

"So a guy stole your purse as you left some club, Sam got it back to you, walked you home, and then you woke up today knowing you had to tell the world how great he is." I reiterated her story, annoyed.

"Exactly. He really is truly a fantastic guy." She snorted, rolling her eyes, "Oh my God, sorry. Such a bad pun."

"Yeah... that." I blinked, holding in my rage. "So, you don't happen to feel the same way as Rach, tho, right? Like... you're not in love with him?"

She thought about it for a moment, "I do think he's amazing, and I would love to be married to him... So I guess you could say yeah. I am in love. Am I blushing?"

I sighed deeply, "What exactly changed? I know he saved you, or your purse, and that's great. I'm so happy he did that. But what exactly made you wake up today and feel this need to wish to have his children?"

"I don't know. It's like... this light just switched off in my head. I just feel that deep down in my soul, I want to be his. And I really hope he'll have me." She smiled dreamily.

Hearing her say almost the exact same thing as Rach made my composure crack. "Do you hear yourself? You want to be his?! He is a douchey superhero who makes our jobs harder, and not to mention barely does anything to actually help the crime rate in this city! He got you your purse back, and all of sudden you want to... be his? You can't be serious."

She shook her head, glaring. "You know, I think Rach was right. You are jealous of the love he and I share, all because he rejected you."

"He didn't even reject me! He didn't know I existed! There's a difference," I took a breath, trying to calm down. "You don't think it's odd that all of sudden you want to have his children? You don't even want to have kids."

Macie ignored me, continuing her argument. "Either way, you come across really bitter and I hope if he comes to save you, you change your attitude. To be held in his arms would be a dream come true."

She stood up dramatically, leaving the restaurant in a huff.

~~~~

After the shitty month I had, I needed to buy some alcohol to drink my troubles away. Rach and Macie hadn't talked to me since their "savings", so work had become even more tedious and annoying. And now, it seemed like I was the only one in the office that didn't like Sam. Morale had really gone up once he saved two of our coworkers, and I had to quietly sit there, pretending I did despise the man or the situation as a whole.

As I walked home from the liquor store, I noticed how quiet the streets had become as I got closer to my apartment. It was like anyone that was out on the street moments ago disappeared. There were sirens off in the distance and the light rumble of the subway underneath the streets. The low buzz of the street light above me caught my eye, and as I looked up, the light flickered. A chill ran up my spine suddenly.

Okay, maybe I was just freaking myself out for no reason.

A body slammed into mine from behind, almost knocking me flat on the ground. A man wrestled my bag out of my hand, sprinting off down the street.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me!" I screamed. I began to chase after him, my speed not even remotely catching up to him.

My thoughts swirled of all the things I had in that bag. My wallet, my phone, and my key to get into my apartment. I groaned loudly, annoyed.

Where the fuck were any of the superheroes when you needed them?

The man ducked into an alleyway, a loud crash coming from there. I ran to where he was, finding him passed out in the street. His nose had blood running down it, like someone punched him. My purse was nowhere in sight.

"Are you looking for this?" A voice said from behind me.

I spun on my heels, coming face-to-face with Mr. Fantastic himself, Sam.

I opened my mouth to speak but was unable to say anything. I had so much I wanted to say, but couldn't decide on what.

"No need to be shocked, miss. I know, superheroes are a lot to take in." He smiled softly.

Hearing his voice brought me out of my stupor. "That's not why I'm shocked. You kinda just... came out of nowhere."

His face dropped, surprised by my tone. "Oh..."

We stood there awkwardly for a moment, both unsure what to say next.

He reached out, my purse in his hand. "Um, here you go, Miss...?"

"Y/N. My name is Y/N." I stated.

"What a beautiful name for a beautiful girl." He complimented me.

"Thanks, I guess," I mumbled. "And thank you for getting my purse back. It means a lot."

"It's all in a day's work. Or night's technically." His well-known laugh escaped his lips.

I blinked, slowly walking away from him, "Yeah.... Anyway, I gotta get back home. It's late, and I wanna get drunk."

"Oh, well, why don't I walk you home?" He asked, keeping in step with me.

"I don't think there's any need to." I argued politely.

"No, let me. It's clearly unsafe on these streets." Sam responded.

"Well, you just stopped the purse nabber... again. For the third time. Maybe this time he can finally get arrested." I smiled bitterly, trying not to sound it.

"The police have already been called and they are on their way. So, why don't I walk you home?" He stopped in front of me, looking me in the eyes genuinely. "I will be worried if I don't make sure you get there safely."

I exhaled, "...Okay, fine."

I walked home silently, not wanting to speak to Sam. He stepped in time with me, never speaking. I almost forgot he was with me, until he cleared his throat once or twice.

I pointed up at my building, pulling my keys out to go inside, "Well, we're here. Thanks for walking me home, I gotta get upstairs and get to drinking. So, goodbye."

"Wait, before you go up, can I ask you something?" He queried.

I squeezed my eyes shut, opening them again and turning back to him. "Sure, I guess."

He crossed his arms, cocking his head. "How did you know I stopped the purse nabber before? Those were such minor crimes I solved; I'm surprised anyone would remember them."

"Well, you didn't really solve the crime since clearly the man never got put away." I retorted; my voice sickeningly sweet.

Sam raised an eyebrow at me, waiting for me to answer his previous question.

"My friends were the two you saved." I deadpanned.

"Oh really, what a small world." He pursed his lips in thought, "Their names were... Rachel and Macie, correct?"

"Yep, them exactly." I nodded.

"They were kinda like you, in a way." He mentioned.

I furrowed my brow, "What do you mean by that?"

His tone shifted. It was no longer the public persona one he used on the news. Now, it was more... casual. Equally as snarky as mine. "They too didn't like me. Or were a little... snippy with me."

Oh, well if you wanna play like that... "Yeah, and weirdly now, they want your babies."

He faux-gasped. "What a strange turn of events."

"I guess you changed their minds. How exactly did you do that?" I glared at him, accusatory.

"My charming personality." He smirked.

"Right." I jeered.

"I mean, if you really want to know the answer, let me into your apartment," his voice was almost sultry, his eyes mischievous. "Let me have one drink with you."

I narrowed my gaze at him, blinking slowly. "You're serious."

"100%. But I mean, if you don't want to know, then I can just leave." He pointed to the street, backing away.

"No, you can come up." I felt this overwhelming sensation that I had made a grave mistake, but I continued. "But if for even a second you make me uncomfortable, I have every right to resend your invitation."

"You know I'm not a vampire, right?" Sam snickered. "I'll respect your wishes regardless, but you can't just kick me out that easily."

"Okay fine, if you don't get out of my house when I say so, I'll stab you. Got it?" I grinned crazily.

He raised an eyebrow playfully, "Feisty... Sure, I hear you loud and clear."

We walked up to my place, my eyes catching his form out of the corner of my eye. What the hell was I even doing? Why was I inviting this asshole to my apartment?

I mean, I know why. But God, I just hope this ends quickly.

I cleared my throat as we both stepped in. Sam glanced around my apartment, giving a soft whistle. "Fan-cy."

I rolled my eyes, knowing he was joking. "Well, some of us aren't government paid employees with apartments in skyrises."

"You are a very defensive person. Do you always feel like you're being attacked, or is that just your general tone with me?" He shot back.

"I guess you just bring it out of me." I popped the bottle of whiskey open, the sound reverberating as I smiled bitterly. I poured two cups, dropping a cube into both.

"You're into whiskey, huh?" He gave me a quick once over, "That's kinda sexy."

"No one asked." I raised my glass, "Cheers."

"To new beginnings." He toasted.

"Sure..." I took a long sip, the whiskey burning a little extra hard.

He let out a light cough. "Hooo, that's has a kick."

"So, are you gonna tell me how or why my friends all of sudden started liking you or not?" I asked coldly.

"You don't mess around." He chuckled.

"I only invited you up here for that reason." I replied honestly.

"It wasn't to sleep with me?" He hummed, "I'm surprised."

"I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth." I spat.

"Well, thank God I'm not." He quipped.

I placed my hands on my hips, annoyed. "So... the reason?"

Sam walked over to my living room, taking in everything. His eyes scanned my bookshelves, stopping suddenly. "Hey, how do you have this?"

I glanced up at the ceiling, hoping God could feel my glare from down here. "Have what?"

He pulled a book out, its green and white cover I knew all too well. "This yearbook. This is the school I went to, the year I graduated."

My heart dropped and I raced over to him, "Hey that's mine!"

He flew across the room easily, flipping through the book. "God, I haven't seen this in so long. But again, how did you get this?"

"Give it back to me." I demanded, stomping up to him.

"Wait a second. Is this you?" He opened up to a page with my high school portrait, little writings around it from friends of mine from back then.

I felt a rush of heat to my cheeks, making me speechless. I yanked the book out of his hands, going back to the bookshelf.

"You went to my high school. Wait, Y/N...." He gasped suddenly, "I remember you! Wow, you got a lot hotter."

"Thanks. Can't say the same for you." I grunted, hating how warm my face felt.

He spun me around, his eyes staring into mine. "Now, there's no need to lie to me."

"You don't understand personal space, do you?" I bitched, trying to push him back.

He barely moved; his eyes unchanging. "Am I not allowed to be close to you? Do I make you nervous or something?"

"No, I just hate your presence." I did my best to hide the shakiness in my voice, my body hitting the edge of my window and radiator.

"Strangely, you are the only woman that's like that." He jested, "Is it because you're hiding a crush or some-"

"No!" I cleared my throat, huffing. "No. I don't have a crush on you."

For a second it looked like he moved, his face holding back a smile. "Can you say that again for me?"

"I definitely have a crush on you." I breathed, my brain feeling like it buffered for a second. Why the fuck did I just say that?

He backed away, cocking his head. "Oh you do? Glad you could admit it."

"I wasn't admitting anything. I was just joking, and the joke is that I've had feelings for you since high school." I gasped, "What the fuck?!"

He teased, "I'm so happy you feel comfortable telling me the truth."

"Why am I saying this?" I whispered to myself.

He pointed down to my hand, "It probably has something to do with the handcuffs I put on you."

"Wha-?" I glanced down, and sure enough one of my wrists was handcuffed to the radiator by my window.

"You gotta be a bit more observant than that." He laughed sincerely, lounging on my couch.

I let out a ragged breath, pissed. "How the fuck did you-"

"Those handcuffs are really only meant to be used by me on criminals, that way they confess. But sometimes I like to use it for more..." He gazed at me longingly, "spicier reasons."

"You're a fucking creep." I hissed.

"And you're into it." He snapped.

"Yes I am." Oh my God...

He bit his lip, pleased at my answer. "So, your friends actually told me, without needing the handcuffs B-T-W, that you had a crush on me since high school. And now seeing you, I remember who you are. You were just as nerdy as me."

"Oh, at least you're admitting that now. Why, because there's no cameras around to lie to?" I sassed, pulling at the handcuffs.

"Hey, it's not a lie that I tell. I just... fib a bit." He settled into my couch, fluffing up one of the pillows, "I did play sports, so that would qualify me as a jock."

I scoffed, "Ping-pong is barely a sport."

"Says you," he grumbled. "But that can't be the only reason you hate me slash love me."

"I don't love you." I stated honestly.

"Oh, but you will," Sam uttered lowly. “You still didn't answer my question though. So, is it really just the crush bullshit?"

"No. It's not just that," I started. "You lied, not only about your upbringing. But your powers. You didn't have them in high school. You got bullied just as much as me, if not more so. If you had super strength, you would have kicked Joe's shins in."

He chuckled mockingly. "God, are you, like, obsessed with me? How do you know so much?"

"Joe bullied me too, dumbass. I'm not obsessed with you, I just don't understand you at all. And I know you're a liar. And I try to use those reasons to hide the feelings I still have," I groaned, pulling at the handcuffs more. "Jesus Christ get these handcuffs off!"

"Not yet," Sam commented. "So... you are right. I do lie, in a lot of ways, to the general public. Sometimes I throw in extra crimes I 'solved' during the night, when usually I'm just chilling at the 24-hour Taco Bell."

I gaped, "I fucking knew it!"

He sat up, sitting on the edge of the couch. "Jokes on you, it's actually the 24-hour Wendys."

"Why do you lie? People love you. There's no need to pretend." I argued.

"Ahh, but there is. I have a lot riding on me to be one of the best superheroes around." He remarked.

I hid my eye roll. "Like what?”

"You're right about one thing. I didn't have superpowers in high school. I wasn't born a superhero. When we graduated, an up-and-coming bio-tech company, Malusvir, reached out to random people asking if they wanted to be part of a study for $50k. I thought, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, might as well go see what's up. Go be a guinea pig for some money." Sam shook his head, his anger brewing, "Come to find out, they were testing out if they could grow superheroes."

"What the fuck?" I squeaked.

"I was injected a whole lot of times with... something. And while I was basically comatose for months, all of a sudden, superheroes started bursting on the scene. The government was finally letting them out of the bag, and they were allowing all heroes to sign up to become part of the Superheroes Task Force." Sam stood up, starting to pace. "When I awoke, I was one of the only ones that survived the trial run. This company ended up getting bought out by the government, and they covered it up by going bankrupt and saying they were making chemical weapons, which isn't technically wrong."

"Does the government know about you being... home grown?" I inquired.

"No. The bio-tech company used an alias for all of us, so no one found out. And the secrets disappeared with the CEO when he flew out of the country back to his home country and mysteriously died. I'm pretty sure he's just hiding. Or was killed for what he knew." He informed, his eyes almost glazing over.

"Why are you telling me all of this?" I questioned, confused.

"Because no one will believe you." He replied softly, his voice taking me back. Then, he switched back into his cocky self. "So... that's my story. But back to you, how long were you into me?"

"Since junior year." I confessed.

"You liked 17-year-old me?" He winced, "Oof, now that's a choice."

"So was that haircut." I quipped lightheartedly.

He leaned towards me, whispering. "And those cargo shorts."

I snickered, and he smiled genuinely for the first time.

A silence fell over us for a moment, then he looked up at me and asked nonchalantly. "So... do you wanna fuck?"

I choked, "What?"

"Is it really that surprising of a question? You're into me, and I find you hot," his eyes snaked down my body. "Especially handcuffed."

I stammered, "I-I don't-"

"Look, if you don't want to, understandable. I am a bit of a dick. But let me put it to you this way, have sex with me and get all that anger out that you feel towards me." He stepped closer to me, teasingly. "A good hate fucking helps out everyone involved, really."

I breathed, "You're insane."

"Or, if you have sex with me, and I'm bad... you can brag to your friends that I suck." He offered.

I sucked in a deep breath, already knowing my answer. "You raise a good point there."

"So, will you let me make you feel good or no?" He wrapped an arm around me tightly, bringing his face close. Our bodies were pressed together, my heart speeding up. "Do you wanna fuck me or not?"

"Yes I do." I admitted.

"See, and I didn't have to keep the handcuffs on you for you to tell the truth." He raised up his hand showing the cuffs, smirking.

I scoffed, shoving him back. "You are such a dick."

"And you love every second of it." He taunted, back up to the couch.

"I do, I can't lie." I bit my lip, staring at his mouth.

He sat down, pulling me towards him. "Go ahead, sweetheart. Fuck me like you hate me."

I straddled his lap, grinding down on him as our mouths connected. He shoved his tongue into my mouth, a moan falling from my lips. He gripped my ass, pushing me down more onto his lap. I yanked on his hair, digging my nails into his scalp and chest.

He winced, chuckling darkly as he pulled away from our kiss. "Oh you like it rough, baby?"

"Yeah." I smirked.

"Well good," he bunched up my shirt, tearing it away from my body suddenly. The ripping fabric fell apart in his hands and he chuckled darkly. I gasped loudly, a pleasurable chill running down my spine. "Me too."

I whined, "I liked that shirt."

"I don't care." He slammed his lips back onto mine quickly, taking my breath away. He nibbled on my lip, our teeth clashing together from the intensity of the kiss. I grinded myself against his growing bulge, my wet panties pressing into my sex achingly. I hadn't even realized how hot and bothered he had made me, but I wasn't complaining. I needed this, and clearly so did he.

We removed our clothes desperately, needing each other. He sat back against my couch, gazing up at me hungrily.

"God, your body is killing me." He grunted, "Give it to me."

I settled back down onto his lap, my sex grazing his leaking cock. Our breaths stifled, hitching at the feeling of our bodies being so close and so bare. I lined up my hips, slowly taking in every inch of his dick.

Breathy moans fell from my lips, his groans almost covering up my sounds. Once he was completely inside of me, we stared into each other's eyes intensely.

He began moving his hips, his eyes never leaving mine. "How's it feel, baby? Riding the dick of someone you hate."

"I love it." I whimpered.

"Of course you do. You take me so well, babygirl." He grinned.

I grimaced, "Ew, don't call me that."

"I'll call you whatever I want to, and you'll enjoy every second of it." He slapped my ass hard, pushing into me harder, "Won't you?"

"Yeah, I will." I laughed, moving up and down on his cock, "Fuck, you are so annoying."

His voice was raspy as he glared at me, "Oh, I am? Well, you ain't any better."

I snickered, "Nice comeback, nerd."

He grabbed my face, forcing me to look into his eyes. He pounded into me faster, "Nice cunt, slut. Take this dick."

"Oh my God, fuck yes Sam!" I whined.

I bounced up and down on his cock, his hips meeting with mine, making him go deeper and deeper each time. Sweat slid down our bodies, the room rising in temperature from our movements.

His lips brushed against my ear, nibbling along my neck. "Baby, baby, do you wanna know something? I forgot to tell you something."

I groaned, displeased. "Do you know how to not fucking talk?"

"But babygirl, I think this is really important. You'll want to hear it." He hummed, his thrusts stopping.

"What? What is it?" I slowed my hips, my pussy quivering around him, needing more.

He let out a breathy laugh, pushing my hair out of my face. "So, I forgot one major detail when I told you about the bio-tech company that made me the way I am."

I rolled my eyes, not interested in this conversation at all, "What did you forget to tell me?"

"Malusvir..." The lights behind Sam's eyes dimmed, his face dropping. "They weren't making superheroes."

My heart skipped a beat, my eyes fluttering, "What do you me-"

His hand wrapped around my throat quickly, squeezing tightly. My breath hitched, and Sam began to pound into me again, his hips picking back up the pace they were at once before.

"You are such a silly, dumb girl. Your friends were just as dumb as you. Maybe even dumber." His almost sinister gaze sent shivers of pleasure down my spine as his grip tightened.

I held onto his shoulders, my heart rate picking up as he made it harder to breathe. "S-Sam, fuck."

"You wanna know how I got your friends to fall in love with me?" He pressed his mouth against my ear, whispering harshly. "I fucked them. Just like I'm fucking you. All three of you were so desperate and needy for this dick. But you? God, you're so much sexier."

I shook my head, "You're fucking joking..."

"No, I'm not. And yet, even as I tell you this, you're still riding me." Sam smirked, growling, "God, aren't you pathetic? Your crush runs real deep. Just like my cock."

"Fuck you." I spat.

"Fuck you right back." He leaned in again, biting my earlobe and neck. "I could literally feel you squeeze around me when I called you pathetic. Don't pretend you don't like this."

I tried ignoring him, but he was right. My body reacted to him saying it again, throbbing around him. "How did you make them-"

"Love me? Pheromones, mostly. Thanks to all of those..." His eyes closed tightly as he got lost in thought. "Injections. Fuuuck. God, you make it hard to think sweetheart."

He had to be lying. He had to be fucking with me. "So they fucked you, and that made them fall in love with you? But Rach said-"

“I fucked them but made it so they can't tell anyone. They remember it, but will never say a word. No one would believe them anyway." He winked, releasing his hand from my neck and sliding it down my body to my clit. "Oh baby, you are in for a world of change once you come. Or once I come inside of you."

"S-Shut up Sam. Shit, fuck yeah..." I let out a breathy moan, my hips stuttering. His cock was hitting the right spot repeatedly, his thumb rubbing my clit gently, making it hard to do anything but whine. "You're just fucking with me."

"Believe what you want to, Y/N. In the end, you're gonna be mine." His lustful blue eyes bore into mine, his voice husky as he continued fucking me. "My girl to use whenever I want to. My girl that gets love drunk on my cock. Aren't you excited for that? Don't you want that? To be my little plaything forever?"

"Yeaahhh," I mewled. My eyes widened, realizing what I said. "Fuck, h-how did you-"

"It's already happening. You can't stop it now. But you don't want to, either. Take this dick more and more, slut." He gripped my hips, slamming me down onto him over and over again. My brain grew quiet, mindless. All I could think of was his leaking cock deep within me and needing him to come inside of me. I needed his come. I needed him.

"Aww, baby. You're in love, aren't you? You love me, don't you?" He mocked, a feign innocent smile on his face.

I tried shaking my head. I was not in love with him. But my body didn't listen to me anymore.

I nodded my head, unable to stop myself. My heart surged, a wave of adoration washing over me as I took in Sam's face. God, he was so handsome, even more so when he was fucking me. I cried out in pleasure, my hips bucking hastily.

He bit his lip, his head falling back against the couch. "Good girl. You're my good girl. Forever."

"Forever." I repeated, my heart soaring.

"Who's are you? Tell me." He ordered, his eyes staring into mine.

"Yours." I whined wantonly.

He sped up his actions, fucking me faster and deeper. "Say it again."

Borderline sobbing, I stuttered out, "I'mmmm youuurss."

"Again!" He yelled, rubbing my clit harder.

"I'm yours, Sam!" I panted, bouncing on his dick as fast as I could.

"That's it, baby. You're so close. Get close for me!" He shouted darkly.

I begged desperately, my body overwhelmed, "Fuck Sam, please! Let me come! I fucking need it! I need you."

"That's right babygirl." He grabbed my neck again, growling, "Fucking come! Come for me!"

I exploded in ecstasy, my brain turning off as I came the hardest I ever had before. My body took over, my hips rutting against Sam's. My nails dug into his arm and shoulder, holding onto him for dear life as I rode him through my orgasm. Suddenly, he came inside of me, his groans thundering off the walls of my apartment. His hips bucked into me with abandon, pounding me once more before dropping back down onto the couch. I felt his cum leak out of my cunt, sliding down my inner thigh. Our bodies collapsed against one another, completely spent.

As I passed out, the last thing I heard was a small whisper that escaped his lips. "Mine."

[lnnlove]

heat waves | j.m.

based on “heat waves,” by glass animals

summary: regret and angst surround JJ and Y/N after JJ ended their relationship thinking that you would be better off with someone other than him. of course, it's a small island so you can't avoid each other forever, leading to you both having to confront your true feelings.

author’s note: sorry, apparently all I can write are angst fics based on songs but the ideas just keep coming! hope you’re not sick of this and enjoy. also I think this is the most JJ dialogue i’ve ever written, I hope it sounds like him!

word count: 9.7k (sorry, got carried away)

warnings: cursing, slightly smutty (foreplay/lead up), self-deprecation, depression, skipping meals/eating very little, language, marijuana use, fighting, yelling

Sometimes, all I think about is you. Late nights in the middle of June. Heat waves been faking me out. Can't make you happier now.

JJ can’t sleep. There’s a storm raging outside his window but it's nothing compared to the one inside his head. Summer always comes with storms in the South, because when the heat of the days meets a cold front from over the ocean, the heat wave rises and humidity condenses into rain.

He paces around trying to quiet his mind and throws his hat to the ground when he can’t. He flops to his bed with a frustrated grunt, exhaling the deep breath he’s been holding in. You taught him those, but they don’t seem to work anymore.

JJ brings his arms behind his head as he stares to his ceiling, possessed by the lightening flashes in his window, momentarily illuminating the surface above him before returning back to shadows.

The blank stare in his eye deepens as he fixated on the ceiling, remembering how you loved to snuggle up during storms to listen to them. He remembers how your soft skin felt underneath the blanket with him, arms and legs tangled together in a nest of comfort in one another. He remembers how one particularly large clap of thunder could cause a slight jump in you and that he always found it adorable.

“At least now we can spend the rest of the day in bed. Storm rules, I don’t make them up,” he remembers you saying after he would complain about the storm causing him to miss a day of surfing.

When he would hesitate to join you, you would pout momentarily before bursting into begging pleases with a gentle yank of his arm leading him towards your bed. Sometimes he would hesitate on purpose just to trigger this response from you. He loved it. When he finally gave in, a huge smile would spread across your face before kissing him. That smile, he thought. That god damn smile that's burned in to his brain could get him to do anything.

He wishes the memory would warm him up but really, it brings him nothing but pain knowing that he pushed away that one thing that brought him nothing but happiness because he thought you’d be better off with someone other than him.

JJ groans and rolls over to lay on his stomach, taking the pillow in his hands and shoving it over the back of his head, applying pressure - certain that will help drown out the thoughts that are plaguing him tonight.

But nothing helps. And it's been five weeks.

JJ suffers through the restless night, thinking of only you and how he wished he could feel a kiss from you one more time. He desperately wants to cave, give in and call you. He opens his phone, the light illuminating his face in the dark room. He stares at your contact. He wants to apologize and take it all back more than anything. But in his mind, this was the best thing he could do for you. And so, he suffers, closing his phone and tossing it across his room, thinking he was doing you a favor.

If you love someone, you have to let them go, he recited to himself internally from under the pillow. He repeated it over and over in his mind until he was sure that he had done the right thing and at last, finally began drifting off to sleep.

JJ hoped that you were doing better than him. He hoped that he was right, and that you’d find more happiness with someone who could give you more of what you deserved than he could.

But little did he know, less than a mile away, you were in your bed doing the exact same thing.

Usually, I put something on TV. So we never think about you and me. But today, I see our reflections clearly in Hollywood, laying on the screen.

You love rain. You love how it pours down, washing over everything without discrimination. You love how after a rain, the grass is greener and the birds sing and you feel clean.

You are so thankful for the storm outside bringing you at least a little comfort in your bed that night. You haven't had any comfort like this in weeks, since JJ ended things with you.

Your favorite foods don't taste the same. You favorite shows can't make you laugh. The blanket on your bed and the water in your shower doesn't feel the same on your skin. Your bed suddenly feels big and empty with just you in it. Your mom doesn't know how to talk about it with you so she just stares quietly from the door, dropping off meals on your side table and picking up the last one that remains barely touched.

Desperate for a interruption from your persistent ruminating thoughts about not being what JJ wanted, you sit up against your headboard and reach for your remote.

Surely there is something that can distract me from this torture, you think to yourself, flipping through the channels on your screen, desperate for some type of relief.

You settle on a black and white film that you don't recognize. There's something about the grainy picture and muffled sound of old films that you’ve always found comfort in, even if you’re not paying attention to the plot.

But there’s something in the way that the male lead in this movie looks at his best friend in the movie that reminds you of how JJ used to look at you and now you know there’s no use in seeking distraction from movies. It's been five weeks and everything reminds you of him.

With a sigh, you sink back into your bed and roll over, wrapping yourself in your blanket to look out your window. After watching the lightening momentarily illuminate your room, you close your eyes to listen closely to the rain falling on your roof.

And when the thunder rumbles outside, you find comfort in the small rattle it causes in your sternum. This is the first thing you’ve felt deeply in weeks.

Of course, the storm makes you think of all the stormy summer days that you’ve spent with JJ. You can’t help him coming across your mind. He was everything to you, so of course you have your own personal storm of memories flooding your headspace, ending with the stinging pain of remembering how he ended things with you.

You wonder how he is. He’s probably at the Chateau with his friends anyway, probably not giving you a second thought, you think. How naive you are.

Even with that thought swarming in your mind, you feel a serious temptation to call him.

You open your phone, staring at his contact. You can’t bring yourself to delete the photos of him from your phone. It would probably make it easier to get over him, but you’re so scared to never have them again.

You almost do it. You almost press the call button.

He wouldn’t answer, you think. And just like that, the fleeting temptation is gone. You close your phone and set it upside down on your nightstand.

You have the feeling in your throat like you want to cry. But you’ve cried all the tears you had already today, so you’re stuck with that feeling in your throat and no way to relieve it.

You close your eyes and wish for sleep to take you. Maybe if you wish hard enough, it will come.

But when you close your eyes, all you can think about is the look on his face that night.

You just need a better life than this. You need something I can never give.

The text you got from him that night sent you into a panic.

Can I come over? Need to talk.

You tried to push it out of your mind. JJ needed to talk a lot, about all kinds of things. You shouldn't jump to the assumption that it's bad. There hadn't been any signs that he was unhappy in the relationship.

Sure babe! Whenever.

You responded, forcing yourself to act normal.

You swallowed the negative gut feeling you had down and prepared to wait for him to arrive, thinking he would come later in the night and then stay with you. But he was there within 5 minutes, knocking on your front door.

"Hey baby!" you greet him. He's standing with his hands in his pockets, he gives you a soft smile and small nod.

That's weird, you think. He moves inside and passes you as you close the door behind him. You turn around and step closer to where he's standing now. He's not immediately seeking physical connection with you like he normally would, either by snaking his arms around your waist or kissing you when he walked by. You move in to give him a kiss as you wrap your arms around his middle for a hug. He barely returns your kiss, and remains unmoving and tensed in your hug.

You pull your head away with haste, leaving your arms around him as you search his eyes for answers only inches away.

“What's wrong baby?" you question him.

He just stares down at you with hardened eyes, brows furrowed as he focuses on your expression twisting into concern.

Fuck, he thinks, this is going to be hard.

"JJ, please tell me what's going on," you beg him, stress building inside you at his prolonged silence and apathetic body language.

It seems to you like he's standing there, careless and completely indifferent to the concern he's causing you. But what you don't know is that he's in his mind screaming at himself to keep his resolve and act like he doesn't care when his first instinct is to rush and wrap you in his arms planting kisses all over your beautiful face to get that look off of it. He's a good actor.

"I've been thinking," he finally speaks, "And..."

"And?" you question.

"And I don't think we're right together, Y/N."

You pull away from him and step back, collapsing into yourself. You hear him continuing, but you don't understand the words. You can see his lips moving, talking at you but you don't comprehend the string of words that are blending together as everything around you goes quiet and your vision begins to blur with tears. Your wrap your arms around yourself to try and find comfort as he stands in front of you, just inches away but he's never felt farther.

You return to the moment and swallow the lump in your throat, wiping the tears at your eyes.

"No," you beg him, lifting your eyes to meet his. It's all you can say. What could have possibly changed since the last time you saw him to cause this? you think.

God damn, she's so stubborn, he curses internally. He didn't expect you to put up such a fight for someone like him.

"You deserve better than what I can give you Y/N," he presses you to see reason.

"What do you mean JJ? I don't understand," you plead between your continuing tears.

"I mean," he pulls his head away from you, dropping it into his hands with frustration, "that I'm not good enough for you."

"Of course you are," you take a step forward with an outstretched arm to try and comfort him, "where is this coming from?"

He jerks away from your efforts.

"Damn it, Y/N, why do you have to make this harder?"

"You think I'm just going to let you break up with me for something as stupid as this?"

"It's not stupid!" he yells. Exasperated, he stares at you with a look you've never seen on his face. Hurt, shame, embarrassment, and also anger all at once.

"You need someone who can take care of you! You need someone who can take you out whenever you want and buy you fancy dinners and dresses and jewelry. And take you to see the world like you've always talked about. And someone who can give you a comfortable home and life and everything that I can't give you!"

"JJ, what have I done to make you think that? You can take care of me! And I don't care about any of that stuff. Why don't you let me make that decision for myself?"

"You don't know any better," he says with a short tone.

"Excuse me?" you ask, eyes wide and eyebrows raised. You're offended now, "do you really think I am so small minded that I don't know what's good for me? Did how I feel about this ever even occur to you?"

He doesn't answer. You start again.

"JJ, YOU are what makes me the happiest. Even when you're acting like this, I still want you. I do feel like you can take care of me and build us a home together. If you think I'll be happier without you, you're crazy."

This isn't working, he thinks to himself. He rushes to figure out how he can convince you. What will he have to say? Unfortunately, that leaves you with the perfect amount of time to jump to conclusions. And it gives him the perfect opportunity.

"If you don't want to be with me, just say that. Don't pull this noble 'I'm saving you' bullshit," you mock him with air quotes, fighting now.

"Fine," he says, exhaling his anger and bracing to hurt you now. This is the only way you'll accept it.

"I don't want you anymore," he lies. Of course you're what he wants for the rest of his life, but he can't be selfish, he has to stay on task. This may be the hardest thing he's ever had to do, hurting the person he loves the most in the world.

"Okay then," you whisper with a nod, now fully understanding what this was about. Or so you thought. You begin to cry, breaking your eye contact with him and looking for anything in the room to focus on other than him.

For a moment, JJ falters when he sees what he’s done.

“Y/N wait,” he begins, taking a step forward with a hand outstretched to touch you, but you step to the side away from him. You walk towards your door and open it.

“Just go, please,” you say quietly, standing by the door and using it to block half of your body. JJ doesn’t see that the part of your body that’s hidden is leaning on the door to keep you standing.

He takes one last look at you through furrowed brows and sorry eyes. He wants to say something but he doesn’t know what. Probably that he loves you and that’s why he’s doing this, but of course you wouldn’t believe him.

JJ breaks his gaze from you and opens the glass door that remains in his way. His heart is breaking. His brain is yelling at him to stop, turn around and take it back, but his feet somehow keep carrying him forward.

The glass door is not even closed behind him when your knees fail you and you collapse to the ground in tears. You had been holding it in so well for too long and the audible pain you’re experiencing escapes you.

JJ turns around and sees you through the glass door, on your knees and sobbing into your hands.

He thought lying to you was the hardest thing he’s ever done, but he was wrong. He lies all the time. Standing there seeing you breaking like that and not rushing back to you to it all back is the hardest thing he's ever done.

You can't fight it, you can't breathe. You say something so loving, but now I gotta let you go. You'll be better off with someone new.

There’s a gentle knock on your bedroom door that pulls you from your book. And for a moment you think maybe it could be JJ. But you remember the pattern with which he used to knock and know it couldn’t be him.

Your door barely opens and you hear your mom call to you.

“Hey honey,” she says as she peeks inside to make sure you’re awake, then she opens it fully and enters.

You’re sitting on your bed, reading your tenth book in the six weeks since JJ broke up with you. You haven’t been doing much else at all. Your mom approaches your bed and sits on the side of it facing you.

“Hey mom,” you say quietly with a small smile, moving your bookmark into place and setting the book down in your lap.

“How are you today baby?” she asks.

“I’m okay,” you say with a shrug. It’s not a total lie. You have good days and you have bad days. You haven’t cried today which is always a small victory.

“I’m worried your wasting your summer away cooped up in here, Y/N. It’s already June and you’ll be back to school before you know it.”

You’re a little shocked by your mom’s words. She hasn’t acknowledged the break up or your behavior since very much. She’s mostly kept her distance and let you be, not forcing you to talk about anything. She’s even let you get away with stealing her wine and liquor, which you know she must have noticed by now.

“I just don’t have much else to do mom,” you respond with a defeated gesture. You’ve gotten out to go on a few walks in the last two weeks, but there’s too many spots on the island where he could be and so you avoid them all together for fear of seeing him. That doesn’t leave too many places to go.

“What about your friends baby?” she asks.

In truth, you grew apart from most of your friends when you started dating JJ a year ago. You spent so much time with him that you started seeing less and less of them, and you couldn’t blame them for being mad about that now. Of course you also had the pogues when you were dating JJ, but after your connection to them was severed, you haven’t kept up really. They were JJ’s friends first.

“I don’t really have any anymore,” you mutter, “not since…” you trail off. She knows what you mean.

“Well, that’s not true,” your mom cuts in.

“Yes it is mom,” you insist.

“I saw Sarah at the grocery store today and she asked me about you. She seemed very concerned.”

You don’t say anything, but your look must have told her to go on. You’re not sure you want to know what she told her about how you’re doing.

“I said you’ve been better,” she says jokingly. It does make you laugh a little. “Then she begged me to tell you about her birthday party tonight. She sounded like she really wanted you to come.”

Your attention was peaked and you raised your head to meet your mom's eyes. The excitement is fleeting though, and it dies down when you think about seeing JJ there.

"I don't know mom," you whisper, "what if he's there?"

"Who cares if he's there?" she shouts. "Show him that he hasn't broken you baby," she tries to empower you. She's always been very good at this part, being your friend. She had you at a young age and remembers what it was like.

"But," you start. "He has mom."

"I still see my same Y/N," she says. "And life goes by too fast for you to spend all this time in your room avoiding him just because he's stupid."

You contemplate her words. She tries again.

"Are you really going let him take away your summer like this? All these nights you could be spending with friends or making new friends? I simply won't let you spend another night in here wasting your youth. You'll be grown up before you know it," she lectures.

You know she's right. All she talks about it how fast she grew up and how you shouldn't wish your life away. But all you can think about is growing up and getting off the island. Going somewhere for college or maybe not and just moving somewhere to reinvent yourself.

Her words register with you. She was hoping to make you mad and she thinks it worked.

You exhale the breath you were holding in with a huff. No, no you won't let him take your summer from you. If the party was on Figure 8, you were sure he probably wouldn't be there anyway.

You lean in to hug your mom, throwing your arms around her neck and say "Okay, I'll go," while in her embrace.

She pulls away with a smile and says "That's my girl. Now let's pick an outfit!"

Your mom got you out of bed and helped you choose an outfit. She played music and made sure your spirits were high before you walked out of the door. She always talked about how she wasn't a good mom, but she was exactly the one you needed, especially in that moment when you needed a friend.

Of course, the confidence and excitement you were feeling with her died the second you turned your bike out of your driveway and were alone again.

The loneliness set back in and the pit in your stomach grew bigger and bigger until you considered turning back around and telling your mom you'd rather stay in with her all night. Sarah wouldn't miss you that much anyway, you thought.

Luckily, you prepared for this feeling and pulled your bike off as you passed an entrance to the beach on Figure 8. JJ definitely wouldn't be here of all places.

You leave your bike momentarily at the entrance, and make your way down to the beach. You find an empty spot close to the surf and sit down, thankful that the beach tends to empty after sunset.

You reach into your pocket and retrieve the joint you had rolled for yourself earlier that day and a lighter, silently thanking your past self. Like second nature, you stick it between your lips and light the end, inhaling the first hit and holding it in your lungs for a few moments before exhaling the smoke, closing your eyes to let the immediate comfort it brings you set in.

At least some feelings never change, you think, taking solace in the familiar feeling of the high taking over.

You take a few more draws from it while you listen to the crashing waves before putting it out in the sand and saving the other half for later, certain that you'll either need it or it will be an easy way to make friends at the party.

You make it back to your bike and hop on, finishing your ride to the party much more relaxed now.

Sarah’s house is full of people that spill out and litter the front and back yards. You enter through the opened front door, hearing the music blasting from the threshold. You wade through the crowd of familiar faces, offering a soft smile or small greeting to everyone you pass. It seems they’re not as mad at you as you thought which gives you more confidence to be there.

Finally, you make it to the kitchen to secure a drink, quickly combining a rough pour of vodka and orange juice to get you started quickly. When you turn the corner into the next room, you see a group of girls from school and move to speak to them.

You are welcomed into the group after some small talk and stand with them in a comfortable corner of the room. You pay attention to their conversation, relying on them mostly to carry it while you contribute here and there. The safety of the corner allows you to see around the room, watching everyone talking, singing, dancing, drinking, laughing. You missed this.

As you scanned the room, you finally spot Sarah several people over. You smile when you see her, having missed her friendship so much these last six weeks. When your eyes continue on their path, they suddenly fall on the group around her.

Pope, Kie, John B…. and JJ.

Just when you realize that he’s there and the sinking feeling returns to your stomach, Sarah looks away from the people she was talking with and meets your eyes. Her expression does not match the concerned one that begins to take over your features.

She smiles and waves at you. You muster up a small smile and return her wave.

She beckons you, asking for you to come to her.

Your eyes widen and glance to her left, signaling JJ’s presence. You give her a begging shake of your head and beckon her in your direction.

She looks to her left and realizes the meaning of your unspoken language. She slowly returns her head to face you and mouths “Ohhh.”

You laugh at her silly drunkenness while she makes her way over to you.

“Y/N!” she sings with a gleeful tone as she approaches you and pulls you slightly away from your group.

“Hey Sarah,” you say as she wraps her arms around your neck in a hug, “happy birthday.”

“I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve missed you,” she says next to you, continuing her hug.

“Kie and I both have,” she adds while pulling away to see you.

“I’ve missed you both too,” you return and an awkward silence falls over you two for a moment as you both decide not to bring up the reason you’ve been separated.

“Well I’m really glad you’re here now,” she says, linking your arms together, “we'll have to catch up while you’re here and you can’t go back in to hiding after this.”

“I’m working on it,” you say bashfully, finding comfort from talking about this with a friend. You considered Sarah one of your closest friends after joining their group. She has a way about her that makes you feel instantly comfortable and like you’ve known her forever. That must be why there were so many people here for her birthday, everyone loves her because she makes everyone feel loved.

Which is exactly why someone else approached her as you talked, pulling her away from your conversation.

She looked back to you and said “we’ll talk more later,” while being pulled away by the next guest wanting her attention. You nodded to assure her that you were alright being left alone. You returned to the group you were talking with and retreated back into your corner, able to keep an eye on all the guests to make sure one in particular didn’t surprise you.

You stayed there for what felt like an hour but could have been just minutes listening to the party around you. Everyone talking over the music and laughing at each other’s jokes, having a good time. Why did it seem like everyone could have a good time except you? It seemed like everything you used to be able to talk about had been wiped from your memory and you didn’t know how to contribute anymore. All you could do was stand there paralyzed, watching your peers enjoy life, moving on and growing without you.

Including JJ.

You couldn’t help but watch him when he was so close, laughing with his friends, joking with the people around him, passing through the crowd with effortless motion, completely weightless and smiling like there was nothing burdening him.

It made you lose your breath.

He’s totally fine, you think, trying to decide why you thought he would be anything else since he was the one to end it. You struggled to keep a full breath of air in your lungs as your chest began to rise and fall very quickly when the memory of him telling you that he didn’t want you anymore resurfaced.

Of course he doesn’t, your brain attacks you. Why would he want you when he could have any girl here?

You could see there weren’t any girls flirting with him, but your mind betrayed you by planting those toxic intrusive thoughts and then it was all you could think. Seeing him acting as if he couldn’t be happier convinced you that he never cared at all, that he was enjoying this newfound freedom even.

You excuse yourself from the group you were standing with and begin walking away, desperately needing to remove yourself from where you could see him so clearly. With no idea where you were headed and legs barely able to put one in front of the other, you had to stop to try and catch your shallow breath. You placed your drink on a table and brought your hand to your chest to try and steady your breathing.

When you pull your head up from where it was hanging between your shoulders, you instinctively look in his direction to see if he’s noticed you. You regret that.

JJ pulls his eyes away from Pope and meet yours across the room. The smile on his face falls from his lips, and light begins to leave his eyes. Of course he’s disappointed to see you, you think.

You hold his gaze long enough to see his eyes soften towards you and your chest starts to rise and fall rapidly again, heart beat quickening and breath hitching in your throat. Your panic is visible to him as you bring your hand to your chest once again to stop the sting you’re feeling in your heart.

Your flight response finally takes over, and without control you turn away from him to flee as fast as you can in your panicked state.

As you navigate slowly through the crowd, excusing yourself to every one you pass, you hear several muffled words faintly behind you and realize he is trying to get to you.

“Sorry, coming through,” you hear his voice behind you for the first time in weeks. Knowing that he’s following you, you pick up your pace, desperate for a way to escape him. Lost in the big house and crowd of people, you settle on a hall closet, jogging to the door as you feel his presence closing in on you. You open the door and rush in, turning around once inside to brace yourself against the door.

JJ gets to the door within seconds.

"Y/N, open the door," he begs you on the other side of the wooden barrier. You silently refuse, tears welling in your eyes at the sound of his voice.

JJ continued banging on it harshly and begging you to open the door. He tried opening it himself, but you hold the knob, using all of your strength to keep it closed against him. But you don’t have much strength to give. And he's stronger than your strongest.

You give up, retreating to the back of the small room, placing your back against the wall and sliding down to the floor with your knees in front of you to guard yourself from him, leaning your head against the wall behind you to try and regain your breath.

He invades.

The two of you have been in this closet before, under vastly different circumstances. The memory on both of your minds is obvious, creating a thick air of tension, but neither of you will mention it.

He catches one look of you crying against the wall and turns to face the door, leaving his back to you. He props his forehead against the door to ground him.

"What are you doing?" you question his odd movements, breaking the silence that hovered between you since he entered.

"Trying to give you some privacy," he responds.

"Why did you follow me in here then?" you plead between breaths.

Silence falls over you both again when he realizes his contradicting actions. He begins to gently tap his forehead repeatedly on the door.

“You’ve got to get over me, Y/N,” he exhales in a whisper.

You let out a sarcastic laugh at this.

“Yeah sure, I’ll get right on that. You got any tips? Seems to be working quite well for you,” you scoff.

"I just want to help," he says, ignoring your insinuation and thus confirming it further to you.

"You can't help when you're the cause, JJ."

That breaks him.

He turns to face you, taking the few steps that keep you distanced from him and crouches in front of you, eye level with you now.

"I don't mean to be, Y/N," he asserts, holding eye contact.

"What do you mean to do then, JJ? You can't just end things with me, act like you don't care and then follow me into a closet trying to comfort me again. It's confusing, J."

"You think I don't care?"

"What am I supposed to think when I see you out there just living your life unfazed by this, completely unbothered by not being with me? It's like you don't even remember how good we had it, and now we don't.”

A pang of harsh silence falls between you in the dim room.

"It does bother me,” he tries.

“Please go JJ, this hurts too much,” you ignore him.

“I can’t leave you like this,” JJ whispers.

“JJ, it’s too hard for me to have you so close in front of me like this when I can’t reach out and have you,” you sniffle out.

Those words hurt him. He silently stares at you. He’s thinking about it right now. He’s thinking about going back to how it was, just kissing you now and apologizing. He knows you’d take him back.

“Please,” you beg.

He stands and backs away now, having seen the pain he’s caused you. He could never make you happy again, now that he’s done this.

He knows one day you’ll be happy again, it will just take time and he’ll have to fight every urge to comfort you.

JJ walks to the door and pauses to utter “I’m sorry,” before gently opening the door and leaving you in the closet.

I don't wanna be alone. You know it hurts me too. You look so broken when you cry. One more and then I say goodbye.

It's been 6 days since you saw JJ at Sarah's party and one thing he said has been hanging in your mind since then.

"It does bother me."

You ignored him when he first said it, hopelessly refusing to believe him and just wanting him to leave you so that you could think again.

But since then, the words have lingered in your mind, dwelling on the words falling out of his mouth and how you dismissed it. Who knows where your conversation could have? And that "what if" has been tormenting you for days.

And that is exactly what brought you to tears that night, sitting alone again in your bed, crying over the loss of this same boy. You are starting to feel pathetic now, but how can you just move on when you had made so many plans with him? When you hadn't been prepared or even slightly seen it coming? You were completely blindsided.

That pathetic feeling you had for yourself quickly turned to apathy. You didn't care that you were still hung up on him because who was even around you to notice? And that apathy became rapidly dangerous as your sobs subsided for a brief moment and the tears cleared from your eye for long enough for you to see yourself pulling up JJ's contact in your phone.

I'm calling him, you thought. Your desperation and lack of pride becoming weaponized against you. You didn't care if he knew you missed him and needed him, he's the one person in the world you have shared your most vulnerable thoughts with. He's seen the deepest and most secret parts of you. You don't care if he sees that you're broken without him. He already saw you the other night.

You stare at his contact for several moments as you contemplated calling him. Your thumb hovers over the call button until you think fuck it, before you can talk yourself out of it.

Shamelessly, you press the button and swallow the growing nausea in your stomach as the phone rings.

JJ has been mentally kicking himself since he walked out of the closet leaving you the other night. He can't believe he let himself do that, abandoning you in that state.

Of course, he thinks he's doing what's right for you and so he lets himself suffer as he continues his internal battle of strengthening his resolve to let you go and giving in to his truly overwhelming feelings for you.

So when his phone rings and he sees your name on his screen for the first time in weeks, he hesitates to answer, unsure if this would end well.

After five rings, you're certain he won't answer.

Until in the middle of the sixth and final phone chime, he scrambles to slide the button and presses the phone to his ear before he misses his chance.

"Hello?" he answers. It sends an ache to your swelling heart and causes butterflies to erupt in your stomach at the same time.

Idiot, he thinks to himself, why did answer like you didn't know who it was. He squints his face and pulls at his hair in frustration, convincing himself there would have been something better to say as if that was the most normal way to answer the phone.

"Hey," you let out after holding your breath. You sniffle after saying it and thought it was quiet enough.

"Y/N, are you okay?" he jumps to conclusions hearing your stifling your cry, panic evident in his tone.

“Um,” you consider, “that’s a loaded question.” Physically you were fine, but you don’t think you could say you’ve been “okay” in weeks.

“Well, what’s going on? Has something happened?” he asks, trying to find out why you’ve called him.

“No, I just…” you trail off, unsure of what you planned on saying, “I just…. would you come over?” you blurt out.

JJ is silent for a few seconds, trying to suppress the immediate urge he feels to rush to you.

“I don’t know, Y/N… do you think that’s a good idea?”

The rejection of his response stings and the tears come rushing back to you. They spill over your eyelids and you can’t conceal the sound of your cries to the boy on the other side of the phone.

“Please J,” he hears you cry. “I just really don’t want to be alone,” you beg as you realize the true reason behind calling him. You couldn’t stand the solitude of heartbreak any longer. You needed a break from it even just for one night.

His heart breaks at the sound of your sobs. You voice is shaking in his ear and he can’t fight his instincts to be there for you any longer. He brings a hand behind his head and looks to his feet while holding the phone to his ear. He closes his eyes for a moment and accepts that this will fuck everything up, but he has to go to you.

“Okay,” he breaks, “I’m coming Y/N, I’ll be there.” And he hangs up the phone.

You try you best to subdue your crying before he gets there so that you don’t look like a total mess when he arrives, but your cries have been lasting longer than usual these last few weeks now that you have something to truly be sad about.

Ten minutes later, JJ arrives at your house and notices your mom's car is not in the driveway. Somewhat relieved that he won't have to face the disappointment of the woman that's treated him like her own son, he makes his way to the door.

He doesn't knock, he opens it and walks in like it's second nature to him. It is, really.

"Y/N?" he calls out.

He scans the living room for you and when he sees you're not there, he picks up his pace to the back of your house where your room is, knowing that's where you'd be. His nerves build in his stomach as he prepares to see you.

"Y/N?" he says as he opens your door without knocking.

You're sitting in your bed with you back against your headboard while you take in the sight of him there in your room again. He's in shorts and long sleeve t-shirt. The two of you stay like that for a few moments before saying anything.

JJ removes his hat and bends the bill of it between his hands, his nervous tick.

You're so tired of crying. You long for the day that you'll have no tears left to cry for him, but seeing him standing there with that concerned look on his face caused them to well again and stream out over your cheeks. You are the first to break eye contact in a vain effort to hide your whimpering from him, but he sees you.

At the sight, JJ drops his hat to the floor and moves to you. He doesn’t see the light that used to reflect in your eyes, or the big fun loving personality that he fell for. He climbs into his spot on your bed and takes you in his arms.

You melt into his embrace, this being the first time you’ve felt his warm touch in almost seven weeks.

JJ has to hold back a gasp at how frail you feel in his arms, having noticeably shrunken into yourself. He almost doesn’t recognize you from the sadness in your face, eyes and cheeks swollen and the tan fading from your skin from the lack of time spent in the sun. You’re a shadow of the person you once were.

He holds you while you cry into his chest, one arm wrapped around his neck to hold yourself in place and the other gripping the material of his shirt on his side. You want to hold on him so tight that he couldn’t leave even if he tried.

You had missed his embrace more than you realized and you savored it while he was there. His presence has such an effect of you that your breath begins to slow back down and you can hear his heartbeat through his shirt where your head is against him when your sniffling stops. You breathe in his familiar scent and smile slightly when you realize it will linger on your pillow and blanket that it’s escaped from during the weeks of his absence. His company has restored your calm and you finally wipe the last tears from your eyes.

"There we go," JJ coos into the top of your head when he realizes that you've stopped crying.

You lift your head to look at him, meeting his gaze and offer him a coy smile, showing slight embarrassment.

"I'm really glad that you're here," you admit.

JJ can't help himself. He takes your face in both of his hands to look closer at your swollen cheeks and puffy red eyes with a worried frown, assessing the damage he's done to you.

You can't help yourself either when he's holding your face like this. You've been missing him so much, down to the deepest part of you. If you'd known your last kiss would have been your last kiss, you would have leaned in just a little bit closer, held it just a little longer, cherished it just a little bit more.

And so, you think fuck it and boldly kiss him. You lean in the few inches that separate you from him and press your lips to his while he continues to hold either side of your face. Your hands are desperately grabbing at his chest and neck, searching for a way to keep close to him as he kisses you back. His soft familiar lips move in perfect rhythm with yours and you accept his tongue as it grazes against your lips and into your mouth to meet yours.

After a few seconds of savoring the feeling of his kiss that you'd missed so badly, you can't help but think he’s not kissing me like someone who doesn’t want me.

And just as if he could hear your thought, JJ pulls away, breaking your kiss.

"Y/N, we can’t do this." JJ keeps one hand in its place cupping your cheek and holding the back of your neck, but he drops the other to rest over the one you have rested on his chest.

"Why not?" you ask, pleading with your foreheads together.

"It's not right," he answers in a whisper.

"Since when have you cared about what's right?" you argue, lifting your head from where he was holding you in place so that you could look him in the eyes.

"I've always cared about what's right when it comes to you!" JJ shouts back, hurt by your insinuation.

You choose to ignore that statement. If he cared about what was right when it came to you, he would have never broken up with you.

You sit in silence for a few seconds, turning your head to break his stare, only the sound of your heavy breaths filling the room. You can't understand why he always insists on fighting you.

You turn back to face him, reaching out to place one hand on each of his shoulders, willing him to look at you. His body is aligned with yours, but he drops his head to the side to avoid your gaze.

"JJ, please," you state plainly, "I just want to feel something good." You have no trouble stating your needs. "I have been feeling so bad for so long and I just..."

He lifts his head and brings his eyes to meet yours, tears welling in them. They're looking softer and bluer than you've ever seen them. He stays silent, not protesting, and you take this as a sign to continue.

"And I just think..." you pick back up, "that if I knew it was our last time," you pause, "that I could move on easier afterward than I can with where we are now."

He says nothing, just looks at you. You can see the thoughts swirling in his head, see him deciding what he's going to do. It's so embarrassing for you to be putting yourself out there like this and him torturing you with no response. But you decide not to be embarrassed. It's JJ.

"If it's true that you don't want me anymore, then fine. You can leave right now and at least I'll know that you really mean that," you stop, waiting for a reaction. "But if even a little part of you wants me, even just a tiny bit..." you say, "let's just have this one more night together and at least we'll know it's the last one and we'll have closure." You squeeze your hands on his shoulders with searching eyes and a small faked smile, indicating you're done and it's time for him to decide.

JJ doesn't say anything.

He darts his hands to either side of your waist, lifting you and moving you to lay back on your bed. He lets out a deep exhale and brings his face to yours, kissing you fiercely. You relish in the feeling it gives you, moving your hands from his shoulders to be wrapped around his neck, fingers teasing through his golden hair, holding him closer and closer to you.

"Oh, baby," he moans against your lips, his hands tightening their grip on your waist and hip where he's holding you to the bed, "I want you so bad." That's him, your old JJ, returned to you, even if it's just for tonight.

"I want you JJ," you moan back. He breaks away to trail kisses down your cheek, along your jaw, to your neck and then to his favorite spot behind your ear. You run your fingers under the back of his shirt, pulling it up to reveal his back and he raises from you momentarily to remove his shirt. He returns to his place at your neck while working his hand under the hem of your shirt to grasp at your bare chest for a few moments before moving his hand down along your skin to slip under the waistband of your shorts. You lift your hips to grind against his fingers. As he teases you, you stifle gasps and moans long enough to bring your lips to his ear and say "I want everything one more time, J," before you fully release yourself into the hold he has on you.

You feel his hand extract from you momentarily before a strong grasp tugs on your waistband to remove the layers that concealed you from him. JJ brings his left arm up to hold your hands above your head and with the other, he held your jaw gently between his thumb and pointer finger to look you in your eyes. He grazed his thumb over your swollen lips.

"I would do anything for you," he breaths out before kissing you hard on the mouth and continuing his work on your body.

I just wonder what you're dreaming of when you sleep and smile so comfortable. I just wish that I could give you that, that look that's perfectly un-sad.

JJ lay awake, his breathing only just recently returning to his normal pace. He had one arm tucked under his head and the other around you, clutching your sleeping form to his bare chest. You had one arm draped lazily over his middle, your sleepy fingers tickling his skin. How could he sleep after what just happened?

He didn't think he'd ever be able to sleep again. How could he live with himself?

He had one job. Break up with you and let you go. But that look on your face as you pleaded for him. How could he resist that? And he believed you. That you just needed him one more time before moving on.

JJ silently cursed himself, careful not to wake you. He had to savor the moment before you woke up.

JJ looked down at you sleeping silently next to him. He memorized the way your chest felt rising away from and falling into his side as you breathed. He shifted so that your head fell from his chest to the pillow beneath and he rolled on his side to face you. He felt your heavy exhaled breath flutter across his face.

Your hair had fallen into your face during the shift, so he lifted a hand to brush it out of your face.

JJ thought you looked so happy when you were asleep and wondered what you must be dreaming of. The smallest sweet smile apparent in your lips crushed him as he thought how he'd never be able to show you true peace like this.

He wished that he could be the reason for your smile instead of what you must have been dreaming about. Suddenly, JJ felt wrong to be there, intruding on you, invading your privacy. He felt he had to leave now before you could wake up and regret what you'd both done.

He shifted to lay on his back and exhaled a deep breath with a sigh before he made his move to leave. He sat up on the edge of the bed and looked around for the rest of his clothes before silently standing.

He thought he would be able to get out unnoticed and slip away before having to have a difficult conversation. But the stirring and sudden absence next to you woke you.

Sometimes, all I think about is you. Late nights in the middle of June.

You stirred awake and reached for JJ but gasped when you saw JJ was gone from his place in your bed.

JJ froze in his place standing in your room, his shirt in hand. He watched you realize that he wasn't there. You shifted in your bed to sit up when you noticed JJ standing in front of you. He'd been getting dressed.

"JJ no! Don't you dare walk out of here," you raise your voice at him from your bed, tears threatening to flood your eyes.

"You said - " he shouts, an arm extended out in front of him in frustration.

"I don't care what I said!" you interrupt him. And you're not lying, you didn't care. "I care about what you said."

"What do you mean what I said?" JJ shouts.

"You SAID that you would do anything for me," you begin, "please explain to me how you could say something like that but not want to be with me?"

"Y/N, I really don't want to talk about it."

"No! We are going to talk about it JJ," you shout. "There is clearly something wrong! There's something you're not telling me."

"I'M wrong!" JJ seethes, throwing his shirt across your room in frustration.

"I - "

"No now you shut up!" JJ insisted, "if you're going to force me to talk, then you listen."

You blinked at him in disbelief. He's never talked to you that way.

"I am wrong for you, Y/N," he tries to say calmly, "I was laying there awake watching you smile in your sleep, thinking about how I can't give you that happiness."

Angry now, you scream "Are you delusional?!"

JJ starts to object but you cut him off.

"How can you be so blind and not see that I was happy tonight because you were here? And how are you SO SURE that I would just get over you like it’s that simple to me?"

JJ is silent.

"You mean to tell me that you've put me through this for months based on your delusional opinion that you're not good enough for me?" you can't help the tears that fall from your eyes now.

"Y/N, it's what's best for you."

"When will you trust me enough to let ME decide what's best for myself?" you shout.

JJ attempts to respond, but you continue shouting. JJ does too, both of you yelling from your spots in the room, arms flailing in an attempt to prove your points but with you both arguing at once, neither of you are listening.

You both settle down now that you've gotten your frustrations out through shouts. You're a little grateful JJ was yelling over you because you're really not sure of what you said.

"Can I go now?" you say chuckling quietly, asking for permission to continue. JJ nods and makes his way to sit on the bed with you.

"You do need to understand that I can judge what's best for myself," you start, "but also..." you reach your hand out to JJ's face, turning his head with your palm so that he will look at you when you say this.

"I need you to understand," you pause, trying to find the right words. "That your situation.... is not your fault. And you are worthy of my love regardless, and anyone's love for that matter." You're firm with your words. Even if he won't love you back the way you want, at least he'll walk away from this conversation having heard that.

JJ let your words wash over him. He closed his eyes and exhaled the breath that he was holding in. You saw his brow begin to furrow and you hoped that his silence meant he was listening to what you said.

He began to lean towards you and you instinctively wrapped your arms around his shoulders, bringing him in to rest against your chest.

You sat in silence for a few moments while you thought of what to do. You had one arm around JJ's back, and the other running through his hair, something you knew always calmed him down.

"I don't want to sit here and convince you to be with me," you trailed off, although you weren't too proud to beg.

"You don't have to do that at all, Y/N," JJ cut in.

"But..... let me just ask you this."

JJ lifted his chin, signaling for you to continue.

"Stop thinking about what you think is best for me for one minute."

He nodded.

"And tell me what you want. What do you want?"

JJ sat up from where you were holding him and looked at you for a few seconds. He smiled at you so sweetly that you thought you might burst.

And he said "To be with you. More than anything I've ever wanted."

You closed your eyes and let out the breath you were holding in, bringing your hands to your stomach to combat the swirling feeling you were having inside. It felt so good to hear him say that. A smile spread across your lips as a few tears streamed down your cheeks.

JJ leaned in to you after wiping a few tears of his own. He brought his hands to either side of your face, swiping at the tears that littered your cheeks with his thumb.

You opened your eyes to meet his gaze.

"Then be with me," you requested with a sweet laugh and slight shake of your head, "please." It really was that simple to you.

Then JJ crashed in to you, enveloping you in a tight hug with both of his arms wrapped around your neck. "Okay," he whispered into your neck where he was nuzzled.

He pulled back to look at you.

"If you insist," he grinned. It earned him a laugh from you. How he had missed that.

JJ interrupted your laugh by kissing you again. It was a long and desperate kiss. And after, he followed it with several short pecks, "mwah, mwah, mwah," he said in between. As if making up for lost time.

"'I'm sorry for all of the things I said," JJ admitted.

"I am too," you added. "Just talk to me about it next time?" you requested with a laugh.

"I will," he promised.

[pro-memoriia]

Swiss Alps - Hurt/Comfort

PT 2 for something I wrote forever (4 days) ago.

Summary: Mountain gets incredibly insecure about his height after accidentally terrifying his crush (unspecified). Swiss finds him crying in the greenhouse and helps to cheer him up.

Angst and heavy insecurity below the cut. Also, dialogue might get confusing because I'm not used to writing it...

It was just a small crush. A small crush that Mountain regretted ever having.

When the Sibling of Sin joined the Ministry, he was head over heels. They were gorgeous, and oh so sweet. He was infatuated.

So being the loving admirer he is, he put together a small gift. It was nothing too huge, since they hadn't really spoken yet. Just a beautiful bouquet of flowers, each one picked from his own garden. They smelled fresh and looked freshly bloomed, courtesy of Mountain's cheerful, lovey mood (his emotions often affected the way his plants grew, good and bad).

Oh, he was so excited... He saw them in the hallway and he heard his own heart thumping like a rabbit's foot in his chest. His tail was wagging and he was practically vibrating with joy. They were perfect. Beautiful flowers for a beautiful person.

But when he started walking closer, the two made eye contact. And as soon as he saw the Sibling's eyebrows raise and their eyes go wide, Mountain felt a spark of anxiety.

He tried to ignore it and kept approaching them, but by the time he was close, they looked horrified. Like they'd just seen a ghost or witnessed a murder. There was so much fear in their eyes and their body shook like a leaf.

Mountain felt his stomach churn. He was nervous now. He recognized that look; he'd seen it only a hundred times before.

All the genuineness faded from his smile and it became forced. He could still hear his own heartbeat, and it was still fast, but no longer with excitement. He felt his throat tighten and his mouth dry up. He swallowed and held out the bouquet. He didn't mean to grip it as tightly as he did, but he was trying to get his hands to stop shaking.

He stuttered a little before telling them hello.

Mountain could tell they were intimidated. They had to bend their neck almost as far back as possible to look at the towering ghoul.

"I got you some flowers," Mountain said softly. His voice was soft, almost fragile. He was probably more scared than the Sibling.

"I thought you deserved them, because you're so sweet... You're very pretty, too," he said awkwardly.

The Sibling Of Sin didn't even reply. They were in shock. Perhaps it was their first time seeing a ghoul... No. No, he remembered seeing them chat with Dew and Rain the other day.

It was him. He was the problem.

There was a good moment of silence. Mountain felt tears pricking in his eyes and he took a deep breath and held it.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you," he whispered apologetically. "I should go."

He brought the flowers back towards them and clutched them against his stomach. His tail drooped and he walked past the Sibling Of Sin.

His lip quivered and the movement in his chest caused uneven breaths.

He walked by a trash can and stared at the bouquet for a moment before pushing it in past the lid.

He took a long walk, and he kept getting stopped.

Dew approached him at one point, asking him what was wrong.

"I liked someone. Went to give them some flowers I picked and they couldn't even move or speak because of how scared they were."

"It's probably your height," Dew had replied. "That usually tends to intimidate people... And honestly, fair."

Oh, how Mountain hated that. He hated being told what he already knew.

Mountain was a freak. He was a monster, a cryptid, a pure demon, through and through. He couldn't ever escape that.

Swiss had been taking his own walk, chatting with some random Siblings Of Sin and socializing to pass time. But his words were cut short when he saw something odd sticking up from the trash can.

He excused himself from the group and walked over to the bin as they left. Swiss picked up the bouquet. It was sad, honestly. Dead flowers, dried and flaking, tied together by a glossy green ribbon.

Swiss didn't know the context, but he knew it was definitely because of Mount. He knew that if any plant at the Ministry was dying, it had something to do with Mountain being unhappy.

Swiss roamed through the halls, searching for him. Although very concerned for his pack mate, he made no rush. Mountain could be hard to overlook sometimes, even with his size.

Swiss headed where Mountain found solace. The garden. Of course, he knew. He knew every single one of Mountain's hiding spots... Because Mountain wasn't very good at hiding.

As soon as he heard sniffles through the back wall of the greenhouse, Swiss knew. He walked around to the door and realized it was locked. Swiss didn't care. He unglamoured his hand and picked the lock with his claw before quietly making his way inside.

As soon as he laid eyes on his pack mate, his heart stopped.

Mountain's long figure was curled up in the corner in fetal position. His shoulders were slouched and his spine was curved forward. He had both his arms and his tail wrapped around his legs, and his head was resting in between his knees.

"Oh, Mounty..." Swiss' voice was soft, but it sounded loud in the empty greenhouse since the only other sound was Mountain's crying.

The earth ghoul lifted his head and sobbed. His face was damp with his tears and his nose was a little runny.

"Why do I have to be such a monster?"

Swiss' stomach clenched at Mountain's broken voice. He sighed and stepped closer, getting on his knees beside the ghoul.

His arm draped over Mountain's lower back and he lays his head on the curled up ghoul.

"You're not a monster, sweetheart," Swiss whispers.

"I am!" The outburst was small, but it seemed so loud in the tranquility of the greenhouse, which was now full of decaying plants.

Swiss sighs and rubbed Mountain's back.

"What happened, hm?"

Mountain was quiet for a moment.

"I liked someone. I liked someone and they were horrified of me," he choked out.

Swiss didn't expect a thorough explanation. He knew it often hurt Mountain to talk about saddening things in deep detail.

At that point, Swiss knew everything about Mountain. From the food textures he hates to his favorite type of tree, from his social anxiety to his trauma from the Pits.

"They're missing out, baby," Swiss said. "You're the sweetest ghoul I've ever met, and that's saying a lot."

Mountain felt the multi's lips press a soft kiss to his shoulder blade.

"You're not as bad as you think, or as bad as they think. You're not bad at all."

Swiss voice was soft and reassuring. He didn't need many words. Mountain didn't like when there were too many words. Mountain appreciated when things were soft spoken or just communicated silently. And in that moment, all that mattered was what Mountain wanted.

"I hate my height," Mountain hissed. "I hate being scary."

Swiss sighed.

"I don't. I don't hate anything about you. I don't think it's possible for me," he whispered. "You're so fucking perfect. And beautiful too. I mean, those eyes, those antlers, that smile?... You're as sweet and pretty as all those flowers you grow."

Swiss lifted his head and Mountain straightened his back to look at him.

"You don't mean that."

Swiss hated that. Of course he meant it.

"I do, though. I do mean it. And just because others don't agree with me, or you don't agree with me, doesn't mean it isn't true," Swiss said, his voice firm but kind.

"I love you, baby. Your height, your body, nothing could ever change that."

Mountain huffed and argued again, still not believing the other ghoul's words.

"Okay, so you love me. I love you too. But I also love other people, and those people can't even look me in the eye," Mountain forced out. "I brought them a bouquet with a bunch of different flowers with different meanings. I just wanted to tell them they were pretty, Swiss... And they couldn't even speak. They just sat there, and stared at me like I was some psycho."

Swiss frowned and bit his cheek.

"It's the same look, Swiss. Every damn time. With Phantom, Aurora, Pebble, Copia and Terzo, and almost every Sibling Of Sin at this damn church. The same look, every time. Fear, judgement, shock. Hell, I've seen people cry from just looking at me..."

Swiss now had tears pricking at the corner of his own eyes. He wordlessly pulled the Mountain in for a hug.

Mountain sat limp as Swiss' arms wrapped around him. He didn't react or reply to the kiss pressed on the side of his head, or the one against his neck.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Mount. Other people's fears don't shape you. You know by now who you are. You know you're kind, you know you're gentle, sweet, quiet, you know yourself. You need to stop focusing on the way others look at you and focus on the way you want to look at yourself."

Swiss pulled back and cradled Mountain's face in his hands, rubbing the years away underneath his puffy eyes.

"I love you. Your pack loves you. You need to start loving yourself. Your height isn't anything to be ashamed of. Think of all the joy every insecurity has brought you, like your height. Remember all the times the you have piggy back rides to the Siblings' kids? How they loved how tall you were because they felt on top of the world when they were on your shoulders. Remember all the times you saved us from Dew's wrath after he couldn't reach something?"

The two both laughed softly as Swiss mentioned the fire ghoul's short temper (and figure).

"Look, baby, my point is... There is nothing about you that you need to be ashamed of. You're loved, height and all. Don't be controlled by people's first looks at you."

Mountain's smiled and sobbed softly.

"You're beautiful, sweetheart. No matter how long you are. I love you so much."

Swiss looked at Mountain with an affectionate and tear filled gaze. He leaned in and kissed him softly.

Mountain pulled back and pushed his forehead against Swiss' to mutter a thank you.

Swiss didn't reply with words. Instead, he grinned and grabbed Mountain's face. He began littering kisses all over the earth ghoul's teary face and the two both erupted into a fit of giggles.

And then, as they shared their loving moment with each other, the flowers all around the greenhouse started to bloom again, looking more alive than they ever had before.

[kittyhui]

ur sk drabble wow 😵‍💫😵‍💫 if it’s okay could i please req a hard dom!kwan drabble or fic where ur at a restaurant with him and get needy when he innocently puts his hand on ur thigh under the table?

when he realises ur wet and needy from being teased in public he takes u home and fills u up in front of a big open window. making sure everyone can see and hear u moaning and being stuffed with his cum. he’s so possessive he loves keeping u stuffed with his cum and watching it leak out slowly, pushing it back in when it does….

god 😵‍💫😵‍💫 just thinking about that makes me dizzy. seungkwan would be such a mean dom idc what people say.

meandom!seungkwan x fem!reader

(a/n seungkwan has an big ass oppa kink LOL)

“as i was saying before Kwon Soonyoung rudely interrupted, he just didnt have the……..” you couldn’t even hear the rest what your boyfriend had to say; you were too distracted. his big hand had found his way onto your thigh as he got wrapped up in the conversation he was currently having with his members. the touch was 100% innocent on his side: just supposed to be a confirmation that he remembered you were there, but it wasn’t to you.

you’d been needing him since you saw him getting ready for the dinner. seungkwan in a suit was definitely a sight that made you hot and bothered, you just couldn’t look away. you wanted to ask him to just stay home and fuck you but you knew its been a while since his members hung out and you didnt want to ruin that. but his hand on you right now… it was making this hard. it was moving up and down your thigh, not even getting close to your clothed heat but you felt yourself getting wetter by the minute. you rest your head on his shoulder trying to get a hold of your emotions. he looks down at you with a look asking ‘are you okay?’, patting your thigh again causing you to press them together.

“can we go home?” you whisper into his ear with desperation. he raises an eyebrow at you.

“just one more hour. okay, baby?” he rubs your thigh in comfort, a whine bubbling in your throat. “rest on my shoulder if you’re tired.”

you can’t hold it in anymore, letting out a quiet whine that only the two of you could hear, “oppa, please. wanna go home.” you can feel his hand tightening around your thigh and his eyes darkening at the name you had called him. months into your relationship you found out about seungkwan’s not so subtle oppa kink and of course, you used that against him at any chance. but tonight, it was unintentional; you just needed him so badly….

you gasp at his sudden action, standing up abruptly announcing that the two of you had to go home, putting cash on the table for your part of the bill and dragging you out of the restaurant and into his car.

it’s quiet the rest of the way back to your shared apartment; your lover’s jaw clenched and his knuckles turning white from gripping the steering wheel too hard. the moment you close the door to your apartment, he’s on you.

“can’t even last a three hour dinner? you’re that much of needy baby?” you moan at his words, wrapping a leg around his hip and letting him bring you to the bedroom.

“do you even deserve to be fucked like a good girl? you haven’t been very good today?” he scoffs as you whine for him, bringing you over to the huge window at the edge of your bedroom, “gonna fuck you right here” he mutter into your ear, “gonna let everyone know how fucking slutty you are, baby.” he kisses you hard, making you back up into the glass, his hand stabilizing you movements.

“oppa, please.. need you- need your cock.” you moan into his mouth, his hand digging into your hip. not wanting to waste anymore time, he flips the skirt you’re wearing up and practically tears your panties off, inducing a choked moan from you. his own pants and boxers are soon off aswell as he slowly plays with your sopping cunt, cries coming from your whiny mouth.

“wan’ you to turn around for me, baby. want you to see the people walk by and see you. see your slutty body. that’s what you need right? need a audience? i bet you do.” he groans into your neck, turning you to face the window. you can see the street and sidewalk underneath you; wondering if anyone could see your tear streaked face from all the way down there. you could barely even think before your oppa’s cock was inside you.

“fuck- kwannie-“ you try to find purchase on the glass to no avail, seungkwan pushing you up harder against it as he pulls out and pushes in deeper

“not my name, baby” he groans, kissing your nape, sucking on the skin before thrusting in again. “so. fucking. good. your desperate little hole was made for me, huh?”

“fuck- yes, yes, oppa! it was made for you! only for you!” you clench around him, sobs falling from your mouth at the intensity. you thought about being seen by somebody; what they would think; what they would do. the thoughts of being watched turn you on even more, clenching around kwan even more, feeling your release coming just moments away. “gonna… cum”

“not yet baby.” he moans at your tightness, feeling himself about the burst aswell, “gonna cum in you, okay? gonna fill you up, nice and good. does that sound good, baby?” you moan incoherently at him telling him you were out of it. kwan thrust into you hard and deep with a high moan, releasing his load into you. “cum for me, baby” he sighs, feeling your on command release on his cock moments later.

“kwannie..” you mutter, legs buckling at the intensity. he pulls out of you and lifts you onto your shared bed, kissing you softly.

“so good for me, my love.” he looks at your ruined cunt again, humming in pride, before stuffing you full of him again. you whine at the overstimulation, hand pawing at his chest and shoulders. “sorry, baby. didnt want it to go to waste. wan’ you to be nice and full.” he smiles at you, and you know in that moment, that you’re his. only his.

—————

that was lowkey bad imo, but i hope you like it! tysm for the love hehe <3

[fetusharryluvr]

wedding planning gone wrong

in which everything goes tits up, y/n is upset, and harry comforts her…

4 months ago to the day, you became Harry’s fiancée. It was the best night of your life, so far. You still remember it as though it were yesterday. He whisked the both of you away to Italy for the weekend, a place you both loved with your whole hearts. Then, during a moonlit dinner in Rome, he went down in one knee, and of course you said ‘yes’ before he could even finish his sentence. It was perfect, just you, Harry, and the stars.

The two of you had been stuck in your own little husband-and-wife-to-be bubble ever since. One thing you and Harry never understood was how people could wait 2 or more years to get married. Your love for eachother was endless, you didn’t want to wait.

You began planning almost immediately. He adored seeing how happy and in your element you were. Most nights he would come home to you cozied up on the sofa with your laptop, asking him questions like “Magnolia or ivory centrepieces?”

Harry himself couldn’t tell the difference, but somehow he’d always give you the right answer.

Tonight was exactly the same. Or so Harry expected. “Hey, wifey. ‘M home.” He called out out as he locked the front door, a nickname he had given you from the moment you accepted his proposal.

He waltzed into the he living room with a wide smile on his face. It’d been a long day at the studio, and all he was looking forward to was cuddling up with you and hearing about what new ideas you had for the wedding.

Except, this time when he walked into the living room, he was greeted with the hushed sound of your crying. His face fell when he saw you curled up under a blanket with flushed cheeks, and your swollen, bloodshot eyes. “Love?” He cooed, immediately sitting down on the sofa beside you, taking your hands in his, “What’s the matter?”

“It’s all ruined, H.” You sniffled.

He didn’t understand. “What is? What’s ruined?”

You frowned. He brought his hand up to your face, ruining it along your cheek and pushing a stray hair behind your ear. “The wedding. I got a call from t’ venue this mornin’. They said there was a double booking and it turns out, the other couple have a famous photographer, so the hotel picked them over us ‘cause it’s ‘better publicity.’” Seeing how upset you were just made Harry even more sad. “An’ then I went back to the dress shop for a final fitting and when the lady was zippin’ it up, she ripped the dress. S’ now we’ve got no dress and no venue.”

Harry brought you closer to him, allowing you to sob into his chest. “Shh, it’s alright. It’s okay, we can fix this.” He hated to see you cry. He knew how much this meant to you, how excited you were. How you’d had your wedding all planned out since before you knew Harry even existed. He sighed into your hair, pulling away and holding your cheeks. “Y/N, love, look at me. I love you so fucking much. I would move heaven and earth for you, y’know that. I will try and fix this for us. And if I can’t, then I don’t care. I would marry you in our bedroom wearing your bloody pyjamas if it meant getting to spend the rest of my life with you.”

You felt yourself beginning to well up again as you stared at him, his hands warming up your cheeks, “Really?” You asked, unsure.

He looked back at you, speaking in a soft, sincere tone that told you all you needed to know. “Of course. We don’t need a big, fancy, expensive party to prove that we love eachother. I want a marriage, not a wedding. I just want you, and everything that comes with you.”

That. That was exactly why you wanted to marry Harry. He didn’t care for what other people thought, he loved you and that was all that mattered. And he was right, you didn’t need a huge, look-how-much-money-we-have wedding, all you needed was eachother.

That night, you spent it cuddled up on the couch, making love with your fiancé, watching your favourite romcoms, and googling the nearest registry offices. The planning may have gone tits up, but you and Harry were going to have the best wedding ever.

[mangoguy]

Displacement (2/2)

John "Soap" MacTavish('09) x Reader x John "Soap" MacTavish('22)

Warnings: Mentions of character death (Ghost and Roach), no y/n used, no pronouns other than they/them used a few of times.

You can't help but find it difficult to get used to your new surroundings.

_

It's finally here!!! I meant for this to be out a week after the first part, but school got busy lmao

Read the first part here

There are a few things you have noticed after being thrown in here.

One, the year is 2023.

Two, You are married to John (or Johnny as he likes being called) in this timeline.

And three, you don’t work in the military, you are no longer with Task Force 141.

That third one hit particularly hard. Your task force was a huge part of your life along with John.

You faked memory loss, thinking it was a smart move for now. You doubted they would even believe you if you started spouting that you were not from here. Even to you, that sounded crazy.

‘Because it is…’ you thought bitterly.

This universe wasn't in World War III, you weren't complaining though, that was the mission after all. You still had a hard time adjusting, especially with him around, Johnny. The man who wears your husband's face. Well, you guessed you're even… since technically you were wearing his wife's face? That's how you saw it anyway.

He was worried about you, often asking if you were okay. You could never really answer him, just stare and nod. You felt so foreign here, out of place, and you missed John so much it made you ill. You wondered what happened to him? Was he okay? Something told you he wasn’t. With where your mind was going this was going to be a long hospital stay…

It's been two months since you've woken up. Your mind convinced you it was some weird coma dream.

‘People have those, don't they?’ You thought, staring out the living room window. You felt silly mourning the loss of some older version of yourself and Johnny. It was morbid of your brain to think of how Ghost would die, or mourn the loss of two others you ‘barely knew.’ You found it funny how Price looked in your dream, older, a little unhinged. Gaz was what scared you the most in terms of dream Gaz, you didn't want to think about it.

You met them briefly, Task Force 141, Johnny's teammates, and friends. They all seemed very concerned about you, maybe even a little guilty like they caused the accident. You assured them you were fine and mentioned that the doctors said you were healing quite nicely.

“Aye, but they… have memory loss, can't remember a damn thing… the doctor said it looks severe,” Johnny spoke in a hushed whisper when you went off to fetch something.

“They can't remember anything?” Kyle spoke.

“Yeah, and I'm talkin’ like their whole life, it's like they're a new person… Can't even remember our weddin’ day, our first meetin’, or… anythin’” Johnny could feel his heartbreak just speaking it out loud. A painful reminder of what happened, he thought maybe someone was punishing him. Probably was, for the things he's done. He gave a deep sigh, as Kyle gave him a reassuring pat on the back. Price and Simon both frowned, giving the Scot a sympathetic look, that's when you decided to enter the room again.

“Bonnie yer… are ye okay? Ye've been starin’ out the window for a while…” you heard Johnny speak softly. You turned to look at him, nodding your head softly.

“Yeah sorry, just… I guess I'm reminiscing on some weird dream I had while in that coma,” you admitted.

“Hm? Dream ye say? Do ye want tae talk about it?” John sat near you on the couch and pulled you into his arms. It was comforting being in his embrace.

“Hm, not much to say other than… I guess I just dreamt of a whole other life for us? You were there, though you were a bit older… definitely more handsome in my dream,” you gave him a cheeky grin.

“Looks like I've got some competition,” he paused to chuckle softly. “But older you say? Were ye dreaming of tae future or somethin’?” Johnny asked.

“Hm, you could say that… though there are differences in dream John and you in real life.”

“Aye… and what's that?”

“Well for one he was a bit taller than you,” you snickered.

“Aye!”

“And well he didn't have an arm tattoo, like you do he had one on his neck, a revolver,” you paused to think, your mind was getting a little muddy on details.

“Oh! And your scars are different, that's all I seem to remember at the moment...” you finished. Johnny was silent for a moment, absorbing this new information. It was nice hearing you talk again, even if it was about this mysterious other version of himself.

“Damn, sounds like one handsome bastard…”

“Johnny…”

“What I'm bein’ serious,” he muses.

Something weird was going on, you couldn't place your finger on it. It all started with a pair of jeans. What scared you was that you vaguely recalled wearing them somewhere. You placed them down on the floor and stared at them.

‘Of course, I wore them somewhere they're pants…’ You thought, thinking it was silly you were worried about jeans. You shook your head, grabbing them off the floor but that's when something slipped out from the pocket. One fell with a hard thunk and the other fluttered to the ground. You pick them both up. One was a simple wedding band on it was an engraving, two sets of dates

xx-xx-‘07

xx-xx-‘09

The other item made your heart drop in your stomach. Time seemed to stop as familiar sets of eyes were on you. John Price, Ghost, John “Soap” MacTavish, you. In the corner of the photo were the words ‘OP Kingfish.’

This was it.

The evidence that your ‘coma dream’ wasn't a dream after all. How could you think it was a dream? How dare this world make you think your John was a dream, your world. You assumed it was the universe trying to make you ‘fit in,’ but that begs the question, how did your stuff get here? You shoved the ring and photo in your pocket as you heard Johnny walking over to where you were.

“Hey Bonnie, are you almost done gettin’ ready? Simon texted saying he was at the bar already,” Johnny watched you as you put the jeans back in the closet.

“Yeah I'm ready, can't keep the man waiting,” you smiled though it didn't reach your eyes.

While watching Ghost and Johnny converse you felt the ring and photo through your pocket for the tenth time. You worried they would disappear and yet they never did. You stood up from your seat, getting the attention of the two men at the table.

“Just heading to the bathroom,” you spoke, walking towards the small hallway that housed the restrooms. You entered, taking a quick breather, your emotions were everywhere tonight. It was starting to annoy you, if you were being honest all you wanted was to just relax and enjoy the evening…

Even it felt fake.

Doing your business and leaving the bathroom, you noticed Johnny had a conflicting look. But when you approached he smiled at you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders as you sat down.

“Everything okay?” You asked and he nodded, though you noticed it was stiff.

You ended up drinking, not a lot but enough to get a bit tipsy. You barely remember the car ride home, though here you are, in bed and snuggled into the blankets. You were reaching out towards Johnny’s spot but found he was not on his side of the bed. It’s cold, meaning he was gone for a while. You slowly sat up, groaning from a slight headache. You called out for him but didn’t hear an answer. You got out of bed and walked towards the living room, spotting him sitting on the couch with the table lamp on. He was staring at something, upon closer look it was the photo, your photo with your team. Your John.

You blinked once, then twice.

When did he get that?

Shit.

“What are you doing with that?” You asked, slightly on the defence.

“What am I doin’ with it? What are ye doing with this? What am I even lookin’ at?” He asked, looking over at you his expression inconceivable.

“It's… complicated Johnny, you probably wouldn't understand.”

He went quiet after that, rubbing his face in frustration, he then stared at the photo again. You needed to figure out where to go from here. You bit the inside of your cheek in thought.

“So, are ye from the future or somethin? Because that's what it looks like… we all look older in this photo… Plus why the hell are you in this photo anyway?” Johnny spoke up finally after a long silence.

“No… it's complicated…”

“Then enlighten me!” You could hear him getting frustrated.

“Fine… I'm… not from here, I don't know how to explain it! One moment I was someplace else then the next thing I know I'm here, in Scotland… In a hospital with someone who looks like my husband but isn't!” you didn't mean to sound so harsh, but all your feelings were bursting out.

“But I am yer husband, didn't you tell me ye were dreamin’ while in that coma?” Johnny tried reasoning.

“I lied, at first I thought maybe it was all a dream but how do you explain the photo and this? I know for a fact I wasn't dreaming I had a completely different life,” You pulled out the ring, showing him the engraved dates.

He stared at the ring, at the dates that were engraved then at the photo. He seemed a bit distant, thinking, processing.

“Is that why whenever I look at ye… It feels like I've lost someone… lost my Bonnie,” Johnny lamented. You were caught off guard by that. But you couldn't deny that you also felt a huge loss whenever you thought of John. The two of you stayed silent, grieving but didn't want to think about why. You refused to think your John didn't survive that explosion.

“I… guess you could say I'm from an alternate universe, god… that's even more confusing but makes the most sense” you decided to change the subject. Johnny finally looked up at you, his eyebrows furrowed in thought.

“Aye… that sounds crazy… maybe-” he didn't finish his sentence but you knew he was probably still trying to find a reasonable answer. You couldn't blame him and this is exactly the reason you didn't bring it up. You decided to take a different approach.

“That photo was taken on a joint mission with Task Force 141 and Delta force, we were going after this guy named Vladimir Makarov, Intel claimed he was in this facility in Ukraine but he wasn't and it ended up being a trap… That's when John or my Soap, I guess I should say, got injured and Price was captured,” you explained. You were starting to sweat a bit, speaking that mission out loud sounded insane. It sure did catch Johnny's attention though. A dark look crossed his face at the mention of Vladimir Makarov but it quickly faded.

“Huh…” was all Johnny managed to get out, it was a hell of a story. You could tell he needed more convincing.

“Well, one person in that photograph isn't alive… Ghost, along with another member Roach were shot by a man named Shepherd…” Your eyebrows furrowed and you frowned deeply.

“Betrayed by him and his shadow company…” you seethed. That seemed to make Johnny perk up. From the looks of it, that story of yours seemed to hit a little too close to home. He gave you a thoughtful look albeit a concerned look.

“Well, shite… that just all but confirms your theory… But the question remains why are ye here? And how come yer body in yer time stayed there?”

“I don't know… it's not like I have the answers. I was literally on a mission to assassinate Makarov but then an explosion went off behind us and I ended up in that hospital.” You explained.

“Ye know… that sounds similar to what happened to my spouse, well they didn't work in the military but there was an accident that involved both me and them, they ended up taking most of the damage which is why they put you in a coma… but you already knew that,” he mumbled that last part.

“I wonder if that's related… but that still doesn't explain why I'm here…” You crossed your arms, sitting opposite from him on the couch. You stared at your reflection on the TV for a moment, observing your new skin, you often didn't look at yourself for too long. You found it troublesome and dare you say uncanny.

This whole situation was confusing, but you found some comfort now that Johnny knew and seemed to believe you. You did grow fond of him over the couple of months you've been here. It was slow, sure, unfairly comparing him to your John but you quickly came to realize that although they might share the same name and hair- they were different. That also made you realize something else though, something unpleasant.

"Johnny… I understand if you want me to leave, I am technically wearing your spouse's face..." you suddenly spoke. Johnny turned to look at you with a bewildered look on his face, silently asking if you were for real.

“That's a way to put it…” he mumbled with a long pause before speaking again, "...But I don't want you to leave."

"...Why?" It was your turn to be bewildered now.

"Well, is it bad I still want to be with ye? I know you aren't the version of my Bonnie I married but... you're still you whether you're fighting in the big fight or here making the house a home... I loved you in both timelines,” he suddenly proclaimed, bringing a hand over to caress your cheek. There was hope that maybe this could work.

That couldn't be a bad idea.

The universe brought the two of you together for a reason.

Words: 2,337

[spicyicetea]

OKAY SO HAVE FUN READING BECAUSE THIS IS STUCK IN MY HEAD.

squish.. squish... squish

with every second that passed, link squished y/ns cheeks over and over again. if someone was looking even just a little closer, they could tell how links eyes were sparkling as he squished y/ns cheeks. although her cheeks were nearly sore, y/n didnt feel like complaying. Links warm hands felt soft against her cheeks, and the sensation was more than just comforting.

Zelda on the other hand has been brushing y/ns long hair for so long, that y/n couldnt even remember when it started.

"Link", links flinched a little, as if he just woke up from a trance. Link thought y/n didnt like him squishing and practically needing her soft skin, so he lowered his hands.

"oh dont worry, you just seemed a little distant. i just wanted to see if you were okay", y/n guided links hands back to her face.

"y/n can i braid your hair?", Zelda asked. "braid my hair?", as far as y/n remembers, she never had anything done with her hair.

"you never braided your hair?", a surprised expression made its way on zeldas face. "I'm not sure if i even know what it means", y/n smiled, turning her head to look at zelda. "but you can do anything you want with my hair!", y/n allowed zelda. to those words, zeldas face lit up and she lifted her hands to start braiding y/ns hair.

...

"aaandd done!", zelda clasped her hands together. she had finished loosely braiding y/ns hair. y/n stood up to look at her hair.

the braid reached down to her waist, and she twirled around in her dress, and the new sensation of her hair. she always just had her hair open. never bothered by it.

Zelda admired y/n and her beautifully done work with a huge smile and tears nearly forming in her eyes. link on the other hand had flushed cheeks and his nose bleeding

EEE YESS I shall include this in the story at some point. Might as well use this as an opportunity to say the updates won’t be as frequent due to school work but I shall try. Don’t mind me as I add on to this cause I can’t stop myself- Enjoy this and some headcanons about them playing with Y/N’s hair for all the romantic interests I’m gonna include in the story, spoilers I guess-

Yandere behaviour and NSFW topics

Zelda threw her arms around Y/N as she just looked back at her confused. Link wiped the blood from his nose as he shot an envious glare at Zelda who gave him a smug smirk back. Y/N was clueless as always, just enjoying spending time with the two Hylians. It wasn’t uncommon for their rivalry to lead to fights, but never in front of their little Angel!

Now onto the headcanons!

Our Yanderes playing with Y/N’s hair

Link

He is very eager to play with your hair.

To him it's a sign of trust, he gets to braid your hair and you can play with his when he's not busy.

He hates watching other people, especially Zelda, play with your hair.

Usually, he has you sit in his lap but this can make him rather...excited so try not to wriggle too much

Zelda

She is always playing with your hair.

She likes to put her hair clips in your hair and often weaves her favourite flowers as a way of claiming you.

If she sees another knight around Hyrule Castle even touch your hair, she will demand they be executed.

But hey, it's all because she loves you.

Urbosa

She doesn't often play with your hair.

Don't get me wrong she enjoys it but, would much rather have her hands on your shoulder.

Unlike Zelda, her way of marking you is by having you wear some of her jewellery

Or dark hickeys she's given you while no one looking...that works too.

Mipha

Mipha enjoys running her hands through your hair.

She doesn't do it often but she is eager for any physical contact with you away from the others.

She tends to give you cheek kisses while playing with your hair though, she enjoys that far more.

Revali

It isn't easy for our bird boy to play with your hair.

He does however thread his feathers into your hair as a way of claiming you

It's also part of the Rito’s mating ritual, but you didn't hear it from me-

Sidon

Surprisingly, he doesn't play with your hair for a long period of time.

Usually, because he gets distracted and it becomes far more intimate-

What can I say, Shark boy likes to bite you and stake his claim.

Robbie, Purah and Impa (Yes you get them all together-)

These three love to play with your hair.

Impa likes to try out traditional Sheika hairstyles on you

Robbie lets you okay with his hair while you give each other wild hairstyles

Purah like to run her hands through your hair while going over research, she can focus best when you're in her arms

Kohga and Sooga (My Yiga Husbands-)

Both of them are obsessed with you, and very open about it.

Sooga will sit you down in his lap, and play with your hair while Kohga lays his head in your lap, usually kissing your stomach repeatedly.

They are very intimate any chance they get, and to touch your hair, they're very close.

Please don't push them away if they try and touch your hair, Kohga will whine for hours on end and Sooga will feel like he did something wrong, so be nice.

Ganondorf

The moment you're close enough for him to play with your hair, you're not getting away.

He will hold you against him while runs his hand through your hair over and over, his spare hand rubbing your inner thighs.

He also most definitely likes pulling your hair if you “misbehave”

He wants to give you freedom, but with the champions looking for you, and the Yiga betraying him and going after you, he just can't let you.

Don't fight him, there's no use. If you submit I can promise your life will be so much nicer. You'll be truly treated like his queen.

Ah, that's it, my hands hurt from typing so quickly. Im gonna go back and look at sexy Ganon, man I'm down bad for this man.

[softtdaisy]

NEVER FORGOTTEN - SPENCER REID

DESCRIPTION I Spencer misses you. Spencer hates you. But Spencer will save you, even after you broke his heart.

PAIRING I Spencer Reid x fem!reader

WORD COUNT I 2,3k

A/N I Apparently my Spencer obsession is back stronger than ever so I finally decided to write for my baby. I hope you will love this one!

There wasn’t a day Spencer Reid wasn’t thinking about you.

Everything at the BAU reminding him of you.

When he sat at this deck, he would remember how you would be sitting at your own right in front of him. Anytime he was looking up, you would be there. Sometimes you would smile even if you didn’t look up. You could feel his look and gave him comfort naturally.

When he was picking up his coffee, he would remember how you were always offering him one. There wasn’t a time when you took one that you didn’t bring him one too. It was so obvious from your first day, it lasted until you left.

When he was with team, talking about the new case, he would remember how you would sit next to him. And how you used to put a hand on his arm or thigh because of the atrocity of the case. He hated physical contact. But he loved knowing you find comfort just by touching him.

It was even worse at home. He wished he could find a way to erase all his memories so he would think about your presence in every single corner of his apartment. He could feel you everywhere. But you weren’t there anymore.

You and Spencer weren’t technically dating. Being members of the same team, you knew it would only cause problems to be a couple. And you knew how Hotch felt about love in the team.

But it was too difficult to stay apart. From the first day at the BAU, you found comfort in each other. Maybe it was the way he could explain everything in the world, how he would talk nonstop when he got stressed and somehow it managed to calm yours, how he would smile at you anytime you looked at him. Maybe it was the way you were always listening to Spencer when anyone lost track, how you made him feel seen when the team was talking over him, how you made him love physical contact by holding his hand anytime he needed to.

So, you were seeing each other, a lot. You were driving him to work, eating together, spending time together, making love to each other. It became too obvious that the attraction was huge between you. And you both thought there was nothing wrong in having fun. With all the terrible things you were dealing with every single day, you needed love. And you were both ready to give it to each other.

You knew things started to get more difficult when you started to fall asleep in Spencer’s arms. You found the most comfort when you put your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeats, while he was caressing your back with his fingertips, telling you stories about historic people with a raspy voice after moaning so hard a few minutes before. You didn’t want to stop. But you knew you were getting used to it.

And one day, kissing and having sex were not enough anymore.

It was a Sunday afternoon. You stayed at Spencer’s appartement after spending the night with him. And you were working on the last case you got, since you to gave your report tomorrow morning. When Spencer showed up in front of him. You could tell he was anxious; with the way he was playing with his fingers. You looked up, frowning and met his distant eyes. “Yes, Spence?”

“I…would you like to go out for dinner with me?”

“I’d rather not.” You said with a low voice, almost too ashamed to speak your mind. You saw Spencer frowning, turning away before coming back to you. “Why?”

You sighed and got up. You already hated this conversation. “It’s not that I don’t want to Spence, I’d love to. But if we start having dates, we will get used to it. And after dates, it’s dating, and we know we can’t. I don’t want to get attached to you.”

“You’re not attached to me, right now?”

“That’s not what I’m saying!” you grabbed his face between your hands. You hated that Spencer probably felt unloved right now. “I lo…like you more than I should, already. But we agreed that a relationship is not a good thing for us.”

You noticed the tears growing in his eyes and you wanted to punch yourself for making your favorite person sad. God, you hated that stupid situation. “We could make this work…”

“No, Spencer. You know why? Because if you’re in danger and…I don’t know, two members of the team are too. I would choose you. If they are three, I would choose you. If a whole family is in a danger, I would. Chose. You. Because I would never forgive myself for letting the boy that I love die. I can’t think properly if love is involved. If you’re involved!”

You said it. You didn’t even notice you said it. Not until Spencer’s eyes grew bigger.

It was too late.

You quickly walked away, leaving Spencer alone in his living room while you were getting dressed and collecting all your stuff. You had to leave. Now. If love was involved, everything was getting worse and you couldn’t risk either your career or Spencer’s for…such a stupid feeling.

When you left the bedroom, Spencer was still standing in the living room, confused. He looked at you, feeling your presence in his back. All you managed to say was sorry.

It was the last word you told him before leaving him.

Before leaving the BAU.

Before changing him.

When he understood you left for good, Spencer started to hate you. That was how he realized he loved you, first. He kept telling everyone that the team was better without you, anyway. He kept saying you were a bad person, and nobody should miss you. Which was ironic since you were the only person on his mind.

Spencer was confused between wanting to see you again, because he still had feelings for you. And never wanting to see you ever again. Because he hated you, too.

And life choose for him.

Spencer was late to the team meeting. He was breathless when he opened the door and kept apologizing until he finally sat. But he could feel everyone’s look on him. “Why you’re all looking at me like that?” he asked, frowning. Sure, he was never late. But everyone has been in the team so it shouldn’t be a mistake.

“Look, Spencer, you don’t have to be part of this case, we understand if…”

He heard the first words. He lost track when he saw your face on the screen. Your beautiful face he was used to see every single day. Those gorgeous eyes that were giving him so much comfort in the past. That amazing smile that was making him feel loved. All here, in front of him. Because you were missing.

After the BAU, you started working for another agency and from what everyone’s heard, you were good at your job. So good that apparently, someone wanted to make you pay. You’ve been missing for almost a week now. And for the first time in weeks, Spencer didn’t feel any hate towards you. He felt sad. Because he might have lost you for good.

It took the team hours and a sleepless night to finally find a lead on where you might be. You helped framed a criminal the past month and the sister’s seemed to hate you. Hate messages, pictured near your apartment…

And they were right.

Spencer asked to come alone. He wanted to deal with her by himself. If she was really the woman who wanted to kill you, then he wanted to be the one to arrest her. She opened the door a few seconds after he rang the bell. She looked young and broken. He couldn’t imagine the pain of losing her brother. But he could imagine the hate and the need to avenge him.

“I know you.” She said with a harsh voice. She probably noticed the confusion on his face. “When she took him, her phone turned on. She had on you as her lock screen. I can recognize a face immediately. You’re her boyfriend.” He hated how she was never using your name. Like you were just a her someone she hated so much that you didn’t deserve a name.

But he kept thinking to what she said. How could you have him as your lock screen? The case was only a month ago and you’ve been away for a year now. “Because I would never forgive myself for letting the boy that I love die.” You said the last time you saw him. The boy that I love. Maybe you were still loving him.

“How can you love such an awful person?” She told Spencer. He knew it was the perfect occasion to deal with that woman. If she hated you that much, he just had to let her believe he hated you just as much. Spencer you knew it.

He would find you.

“I don’t love her.” He simply said. Trying to be as neutral as possible. “She probably keeps on her phone to remind herself of what she lost.” The worst part was that it was probably the truth. He knew you. You loved torture yourself with those kinds of things. And you truly loved him, then you probably were angry with yourself for letting him go.

“She deserves to die.” It felt like a punch in the stomach for Spencer to hear that. No, she doesn’t, please don’t kill her. He wanted to say. But he couldn’t. So he bit his lips a single second before answering.

“Yes, she does.”

She invited him inside. Just like that. Because she believed a hateful ex-boyfriend was a good accomplice.

Thankfully, the team was outside and listening to everything that was going on.

He was ready to see you. But he could never have imagined he would find you like that. Tied to a chair, your hair being a mess and your face covered in bruised. You were in a bad shape. Have you been there the whole week? You still haven’t seen him. The woman walked to your back and held you by your hair, putting your face in the light and making Spencer want to throw up. “Doesn’t she look beautiful?”

He read the confusion your face, having no idea who she was talking to. Until Spencer took a few steps and appeared in your vision. “I still haven’t decided how and when I want to kill her, so if you want to settle accounts with her, it’s your time big boy.” She was standing there, waiting for Spencer to do something. But he couldn’t move. You looked so fragile like this. That wasn’t fair. That was…hell.

“Do you mind leaving us alone for a minute?” He used a serious tone, to make him sound more hateful that he was. All the hate he had, disappeared the moment he understood what was going on. The woman hesitated and he really thought she would be smart enough to refuse. But she walked to the door. “Let’s say two. I want to see her bleed.” She winked at him and he controlled himself to not punch her.

Once the door closed, he ran to you. “Oh my god [y/n], what happened?” he was looking for a way to cut the rope when you managed to rub your nose against his hair.

“Don’t put yourself in danger for me Spence…” your voice was weak. He couldn’t imagine the hell you’ve been through these past days. You were ready to let him punch you and leave so he wouldn’t have to suffer like you. You accepted your fate; he could see that in your eyes. And it was probably more hurtful than seeing you bruised like that.

“I won’t forgive myself for letting the girl that I love die, is that right?” He saw the sparks in your eyes when he said the word that broke everything between you the last time. “Now, let me work.” He gave you a simple kiss in the hair before finally cutting those ropes. He lost a lot of time doing this but his plan was going to work.

It had to.

When the woman came back, you weren’t in the chair anymore. And Spencer was nowhere to be seen. She only the had to scream before he put her on the floor. “I think I forgot to say that earlier, but I’m an FBI agent.” She tried to struggle but Spencer still managed to arrest her. And the team arrived just a few seconds after that. Meaning they could take care of her, while he took care of you.

You were hiding behind a wardrobe the whole time. When the team started to take her out, you finally went to Spencer. You didn’t ask for anything but ran to his arms and started to cry. “I kept thinking about, hoping you would come and find me, and I know I broke your heart last year so every time I started to get hopes, a voice in my head was telling me that you wouldn’t do that and…” Spencer stopped you when you took your head between his hands.

“Even if I hated you, I would never leave you.” He was brushing your bruised cheeks with his fingers. And like some kind of magic, or maybe it was the love he had for you, but the contact against your wound didn’t hurt. It even made you feel better. “I didn’t always have the best thoughts about you, but I never stopped thinking about you.”

Spencer wished he’d found a better way to have you back. He wished he had fought for you back then so you wouldn’t have lost a whole year. He wished he had found a way to make you stay, so you wouldn’t have been in danger.

He wished a lot of things. But his biggest one came true today.  Because you were back in his life.

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[highseas-swede]

So, this response really got me thinking again and turning around some different gears in my head. Crowley's fall started with their meeting. That's huge!

This means Aziraphale caused Crowley to fall, at least indirectly and Aziraphale knows it.

I do quickly want to say that I feel it's likely Crowley would have fallen anyway, that it would have happened because of his nature and his curiosity and his questioning, but Aziraphale must remember that first meeting and blame himself for the eventual outcome. Here was this wonderful, joyful angel out there making nebulas and Aziraphale talked to him for like five minutes and he fell.

Because of Aziraphale.

It also recontextualizes some of Aziraphale's other actions if you think about the Guilt that Aziraphale must have been feeling. He's clearly smitten with Crowley when they first meet while Crowley's an angel, but on the wall at Eden, he's definitely more uncomfortable and his gazes aren't the longing looks from pre-creation. He recognizes Crowley as that angel, he feels guilty about it, far more than he does about giving away the flaming sword. And then when it starts to rain, he protects Crowley because it's the least he can do after what he did to ruin Crowley's life.

I'm betting he felt that same guilt very heavily when Crowley asks him for the Holy Water initially. He's afraid that Hell is so bad that Crowley would destroy himself to escape it. And though Aziraphale has clearly pushed his guilt mostly to the back of his mind, it has to be there in the forefront at that moment.

He's thinking "Crowley is suffering so much he'd rather be destroyed". He's remembering that beautiful, innocent angel Crowley was and how his laughter lit up the stars themselves and now Crowley asks him for the ability to end his existence. No wonder Aziraphale is so reluctant! If Crowley uses the Holy Water on himself, it means Aziraphale will be responsible for Crowley being completely destroyed. He only caves on the matter when he realizes Crowley will do it without his help and realizes he can't make Crowley suffer more to get it, not after everything he's already done to the demon so far.

I've always wondered why Aziraphale seems afraid of Crowley loving him. He's always seemed comfortable in the knowledge that he loves Crowley, but when Crowley tries to confess to him in the S2 finale, he looks terrified. He looks like he's about to have an anxiety attack.

It's not because he doesn't want to be loved by Crowley. He wants that more than anything. It's because this is the /wrong time/. But it was - in Aziraphale's head - so close to being the right time. In Aziraphale's mind, he was so close to finally making up for this horrible thing he did to Crowley, that he could finally accept Crowley's love without this looming over him. It's not just about making Heaven worthy of Crowley, it's about making HIMSELF worthy of Crowley's love.

What Aziraphale doesn't realize is that Crowley has never blamed him. Never. He's just projecting his own guilt and then using it to bludgeon himself into thinking he's not good enough for Crowley. Aziraphale values Crowley more than he values himself, just like he trusts Crowley more than he trusts himself.

It makes me think a bit more on the concept of Grace in Catholicism, how sins must be cleansed to allow the Grace to flow through and fill the body. When you believe that you must be cleansed of sin to accept Grace, it's an easy jump to feel that you cannot also be worthy of love if you have not absolved yourself of sin. But in Aziraphale's mind, there is no way to fix what he did to Crowley. Until there is.

No wonder Aziraphale reacts so excitedly - and so desperately - to the thought of reinstating Crowley as an angel. Yes, he knows Crowley is more than worthy of being an angel, that he never SHOULD have fallen to begin with. But with this added context it's even worse… he blames himself for Crowley falling. Crowley was so happy as an angel and Aziraphale took that away from him. He sees reinstating Crowley both as the Right Thing to Do in a moral sense, but also as a way to finally absolve himself of this guilt he's undoubtedly carried since Crowley Fell.

Aziraphale is so blinded by his guilt and his need to absolve himself and make it right for Crowley that he completely fails to realize both that Crowley doesn't want what he's offering, but he also fails to realize that Crowley doesn't even blame him for the terrible thing he thinks he did. Crowley already loves him without condition.

Trying to make Crowley an angel again is the most tragically selfish, self-centered thing Aziraphale has ever done and even then it comes from a trauma he's been carrying since before the Beginning.

He keeps forgiving Crowley for things that don't need forgiveness, but what Aziraphale really needs - for both of their sakes - is to finally forgive himself.