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peralta-guaranteed · 3 years

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What abkut mafia!jake au

Stop giving me awesome AU ideas that I cannot write the fic for! 😭

- due to some really, really bad choices after high school (did he ever make other ones? who knows), Jake Peralta has ended up as a grunt for the Ianucci family. He doesn’t really do much - he’s mostly someone who gathers information and new areas for them to work in, because he’s good at randomly befriending people and milking them for all it’s worth. He’s done a few ‘deliveries’, too, but has never had to really get physical.

- (he was at one family meeting that turned into the ‘farewell’ of a mistrusted member and he still has nightmares about it)

- he’s never been arrested for anything and thought the police didn’t even know his name, so imagine his surprise when he’s approached by one of their higher-ups (as if he knows the rankings, psh, pigs are all the same) and subtly but definitely asked if he would be willing to work with them

- his task seems simple: bring one of their cops into the family undercover, the same way he has ‘recruited’ several bodega owners and other ‘low-skill’ workers that turned out to be useful for the family. Maybe keep an eye on the cop as well and help her out if she’s struggling

- she? oh yeah, it’s a woman. A frankly gorgeous woman, he realises when they meet up with her and some FBI dude who obviously pretends he’s not FBI, to discuss it all further. Her name is ‘Dora’, and he knows that’s a lie from the second she’s introduced, but the less he knows, probably the better. The rules are set, he gets a special cellphone number of a ‘cousin’ to contact if something goes wrong, and two weeks later Dora Perez is steadily working her way up the ranks with the Ianuccis, who are very proud of Jake for bringing in this brilliant new talent.

- He might or might not be looking out for her a little bit too much. He might or might not get involved in far more shady dealings with the Iannuccis so he can work closer with her. He might or might not be in deep, deep shit.

- ‘Dora’ is grateful for it, though, he learns every time he drives her home after a more difficult job. She used to be withdrawn and quiet with him, which he tried to equalise by cracking more and more stupid jokes and doing random silly stuff during their drives, but then one time they drive in absolute silence while she cleans blood of her hands, and he says something, he doesn’t remember what, but it’s the right thing apparently, because she starts to talk. She talks to him during every ride after, telling him about the stress and the constant guard she has to keep up and how none of her research binders prepared her for this, and at some point she tells him about nightmares and seeing death around every corner and she can’t wait for this mission to be over.

- (for her sake, he can’t wait for that either. For his sake, he wishes it would go on forever.)

- They’re sent out for a big job together once, because Jake has already become ‘connected’ to Amy in the Ianuccis’ eyes, and they both end up with blood on their hands, and some of it is hers.

- he gets out of the car after that drive home, and gets up to her tiny, fake apartment, and helps her clean the wounds (nothing too big, just cuts, because thank god that guy only had a knife before he beat it out of his hands and then beat the living daylight out of him after he injured her) with the softest fingers she’s ever felt. Then the cleaning alcohol is swapped for drinkable stuff, and they talk, and they talk about everything and nothing, about how a dead-beat dad and an absent mother make a Mafia goon, and how family pressure and a sense of constant duty make a detective who so badly wanted to say no to this assignment but couldn’t.

- “For what it’s worth, Dora, I’m glad you said yes. I mean, not that- not that I want you to do this kind of work- and I want things to be over for you soon, because- but- I’m glad it’s you.” “Amy.” “Hm?” “My name is Amy. Amy Santiago.”

- He wakes up in her bed the next morning, with her in his arms, and he kind of doesn’t regret a single thing, even as his smart-brain is screaming at him. He’s pretty sure he would’ve willingly died for her even before this night, but now, he realises... that he probably will.

- Amy (Amy, not Dora) does freak out a little more than he does when she wakes up. She can’t get involved, she says, this is a job, a dangerous one, and she has to focus on that job and getting the mafia gang and not- okay, okay, let’s not overthink this then, Jake says only to calm her down, we don’t do anything ‘involved’, we’re just... having fun. Keeping things light and breezy. Helping deal with the stress.

- and so, despite how much it hurts and how much it makes him happy at the same time, Jakey the Jew becomes Jakey, Dora’s Loverboy. It helps, he supposes, because it means the Ianuccis won’t suspect them hanging out so much, and send him along to most of her jobs now so he can watch out for her, and he gets to be with her in a way, even as she constantly reiterates ‘light and breezy’ to keep him at a distance no matter how close they get.

- it doesn’t feel very ‘light and breezy’ when they spend time together in front of the TV, though, to get their minds to relax after doing whatever the Ianuccis needed them doing. It doesn’t feel ‘light and breezy’ when they joke around in the bodega getting ice cream on a particularly hot day out doing jobs, or when she shows him around the library after meeting her ‘cousin’ there for a chat. It doesn’t feel ‘light and breezy’ at all when she sighs into his arms when he’s holding her in bed, neither of them even wanting to take the night any further than soft hands under tshirts, because all they really need at some point is the comfort of each other.

- and then one day, after a few months of this ‘light and breezy’ and ‘Dora’s Loverboy’, Jake gets invited for a ‘Talk’ by the family. With a capital T. And he’s not been that high up in the ranks at any point, and he’s not really done much for the family, but he’s not an idiot. He knows what that means. So of course he doesn’t tell Amy, writes her a short but succinct note instead that maybe ends with the L-word somewhere in it, and goes to have a Talk.

- The Ianuccis know that there is a rat, but they don’t know who. And they know that if Jakey is good for one thing, it’s information. So The Talk doesn’t end as quickly as it usually does, and the way he’d expected. It hurts a lot more, for one thing. Jake thinks of offering up some other goon or lower family member as the rat, if only to make the torture stop, but his brain is too broken in the moment to figure out a convincing story. And when the name ‘Perez’ suddenly drops into the conversation, there’s really only one other name he can still think of clearly to blame. Peralta.

- he doesn’t remember much after that - he’s pretty sure he heard gunshots, but none of them hit him, so what’s the deal with that? Everything else is pretty much a blur of pain and cold, and lots of shouting, and then warm soft hands on his face and a quiet voice saying his name amidst it all, and when he wakes up the next time he’s in a hospital bed.

- He’s in that hospital bed for two weeks to recover, and no one visits him. Not that it should be surprising - Nana is dead, his mom doesn’t know about anything he’s done since the age of 18 for a reason, and there’s no one else who in their right mind should care to visit him. So imagine his surprise when a detective shows up, introduces herself as Rosa Diaz, and explains that she’s Amy’s partner at work, but she’s not here for official business.

- “She wanted to come see you. Hell, she fought tooth and nail for it. But she had to be debriefed, stupid FBI assholes, and then it turned out two of the Ianuccis got away, so we had to find them first to make sure they don’t go after her for revenge” (well that explains the constant patrols in the hospital for him, as well) “and we had to hide her for her safety, but, Jake, she wanted to come see you. I swear.” “It’s okay.” Jake says, and it’s really not, but he’s been a brilliant liar for years now. “You can tell her... it’s okay. The job is done, and I’m, I’m glad she’s finally got it over and past her. Really. Tell her it’s okay.”

- He’s debriefed by the FBI after he gets discharged, as well. They tell him ‘good job’ and ‘thanks’ and pay him a surprisingly large amount of money and cover his hospital bills, so that’s good. They also advise that he move, not far, but far enough that any possible leftover scragglers of the family don’t remember his old place for a ‘visit’. So he moves, a few blocks only, enough to get a new favourite bodega and deli and discover that the library is actually nearby and that there’s this community college that Amy kept talking about for some reason, and if he takes a few classes to finally get a degree, it’s not about getting a proper job at some point, it’s more about not thinking about anything else. About maybe forgetting, even if it was her that basically got him where he is now.

- (it does not work)

- she knocks on his door a month later. She looks strange in her professional outfit instead of washed out jeans and a tanktop with a stupid slogan on it, but also so perfectly her. That’s Amy, he thinks, not Dora anymore. That’s Amy, and he still loves her just as much as he did when she was ‘Dora’ in his sweatpants and tshirt. Maybe more.

- “You’re a hard man to find, Peralta.” She says, and he knows that’s a lie, but she smiles with a scared look through it and he takes it for what it is - an attempt at saying anything, really, after 1 1/2 months of silence, when she’s probably got a speech all prepared in her head but needs to get there first. “That’s such a bad, cheesy movie line.” He helps, and she laughs and yeah, that’s all he needs in life. “Well we never watched any good movies, did we.” “Hey, we watched Die Hard. That’s the best movie there is.” She rolls her eyes but nods, and opens her mouth, and Jake thinks that the speech is coming now, but he has no idea what it might entail. Thank you and good bye, maybe. Good job, great work, can you sign this official statement for me so I can add it to my paperwork? possibly. “Screw light and breezy.” She says instead, and then she’s in his new apartment, which is much nicer and cleaner than the old place was even after she worked her magic on it, and she’s kissing him, and he’s never, ever letting her out.

#B99 #Brooklyn 99 #Peraltiago #Jake Peralta #Amy Santiago #headcanon? writing? I dunno anymore #Mafia AU

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prehistoricmancunt · 2 years

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The only things that matter to me really are art and community and I’m soooo sososoosso glad that moving here has been so good for me like I have my people around me and I’ve been making art non stop three zines so far and a number of printmaking projects and a painting commission and all these things.

Just today I wrote half of/finished a zine (how to make watercolor paints for cheap! Coming soon!) I finalized some coloring pages to go with another zine (for those (who believe they are) without creativity! digital and physical copies on my Etsy!) and I did most of a first layer on a painting commission and I did stuff for work and I finished a big 8”x10” print and did an initial pull of it and it looks so good like. art fr IS my life like there’s no point in me kicking it if I can’t make art and I didn’t make art for so long like I was making so so so little when I was in North Dakota for the past year and a half and it’s so refreshing to just be able to be constantly making if I want to be.

having a bunch of small projects to rotate and working from home helps just working my easy remote job that almost but doesn’t quite cover rent and then selling some art for the rest and it’s not a sustainable long term plan but it’s so perfect for me right now I’m so grateful I don’t know what I did for the universe to bless me with this ultimate break in the shit storm and let me rest and recuperate and make art and be with friends I’m just so grateful

#text post #Alekz talks

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wisteriabookss · 4 years

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My ACOSF Review (2/5 Stars)

Please respect my opinions. Not everything I say will be praiseful or nice. While I liked a lot of this book, a lot of it frustrated and bothered me.

This review contains spoilers. Read at your own risk.

This review will be more of an overall impression, and I will get more in depth about certain characters in future posts.

I eventually got into the plot of the book, but I don’t think it was as great or creative as it could’ve been. I feel like SJM recycled ideas she’s already used to create the storyline. A quest to find a magic object that can stop a war and save the world? That sentence applies to both ACOWAR and ACOSF. It’s even more disappointing when you know there were other routes the plot could’ve taken but were eventually scratched. It was the perfect set up for an Illyrian mountain setting, it was written in canon, and, unsurprisingly, SJM retconned and changed it.

The Valkyrie plot was cool, if a bit forced and out of place. Nesta barely starts training, and all of a sudden she wants to recreate a powerful band of female warriors that we’ve never heard of in the context of this world? Honestly, it feels like SJM watched Thor: Ragnarok, and was like, “Yes, that’s what I’m gonna do.” I thought Helions winged horses would come into play with that, but I guess we’ll have to see.

I thought the Blood Rite plot was gone, but we got it in the end, even though it was rushed. The most beautiful parts of the book happened during the Rite, so I’m glad we got to see those.

The ending of Briallyn was so swift I literally had to go back a page to make sure I read it right. Literally one page, and she’s killed. I expected more. I can’t say I'm surprised by how rushed her death was when I knew the Feysand trouble was approaching, and the number of pages left was getting smaller. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that SJM would save Rhys, Feyre, and their baby. Out of the entire ensemble in Kingdom of Ash, she only had the heart to kill Gavriel, who wasn’t too much of a main character. There was no way in hell she would do that to Feysand.

I’m sorry, but I do not like the name Nyx. Imagine calling someone Nyx? Did she originally have it as Nick, but just needed to put an X? My eyes were rolling so hard when I read it. Just put an ‘O’ in front of it and end our misery, though I still would’ve rolled my eyes at that name too. The name just reminds me of all the blogger moms who put X’s in their child’s names for dramatic effect that ends up looking like they can’t spell.

I also didn’t appreciate the out of touch colloquialisms in this book either. Prythian doesn’t have a name for anxiety, depression, or PTSD, but they know what lactic acid means?

The amount of sex in this book was something we had been warned to expect, and I think due to the fastness of me reading this book (finished in two sittings), it made it feel like the sex was happening every other page, which it basically was. I’m not going to be mad though because a) it was well written, b) I didn’t feel like it harmed the plot too much, and c) this is the only Nessian smut we’re going to see in canon. But that threesome line with Az. . . y'all know which one I’m talking about. . . the one with the details about certain positions. . . chile um anyways let’s move on.

I called it months ago that Emerie would either be Mor or Azriel’s love interest, and looks like it’s going to be Mor. SJM’s writing is fairly predictable, especially when it comes to romantic ships, and she couldn’t have been more obvious about the two of them. I will write about Gwyn and Azriel in Azriel’s chapter review (cause that monstrosity needs a post of its own).

Now about Nesta’s healing arc. Some of it was satisfying and others were saddening. I’m happy that Nesta was able to find purpose in her life, and not believe herself to be worthless or pathetic, but strong and powerful. I’m happy she found Gwynn and Emerie; I love their friendship. I love how they stuck by each other no matter what, and saw the good and potential in one another.

However, even by the end of the book, Nesta still thinks herself as undeserving. Of Cassian, of love. She knows she has it, and she's so grateful for it, but she still believes she is undeserving of it, that Cassian is just so much better than her. A part of learning to love and live with yourself is knowing what you deserve, so why SJM took that from her character, I don’t know. I was continuously disappointed when said she was undeserving of anything, even after she had learned and grown from her mistakes.

Maybe SJM thinks the belief of being undeserving of one's partner is romantic. I’m telling you now, it’s not. All that does is give unnecessary power to a person you believe you are undeserving of, and this leads to unequal power dynamics in a relationship. Rhys was the exact same with Feyre, so I’m guessing it's a theme.

Speaking of romantic themes, the repetition of the “your mine-im yours” line in this book was nauseating. Your going to make Nesta say the exact same thing her sister said when they had sex? Is there nothing else SJM could’ve come up with? It’s just so weird. And I swear to god if I see Elain do the same thing I’m gonna vomit.

Nesta apologized to Cassian about what she said to him on Solstice in ACOFAS as if he never called her unlovable. As if he never said he didn’t understand why her sisters love her. He never apologized for that. There was so much apologizing from Nesta to Cassian about her calling him a brute, as if Cassian didn’t say he was “shackled” to her after she clearly explained how she feared she would lose her humanity if she accepted the word mate. Not if she accepted him, but the word.

For Cassian to routinely tell Nesta to, “shut her fucking mouth,” when she used some attitude against Rhys was comical. Rhys has been bad mouthing and disrespecting Nesta this whole time, and when she shows some warranted attitude in return (not even an insult), Cassian rips into her. It doesn’t matter what he did for you, babe. Not everyone has the same experience with Rhys, so Cassian getting angry when Nesta showing anger at the way she was being treated was wrong. Her experience with him does not become invalidated just because Cassian has a good relationship with him.

There wasn’t a character arc for Cassian, which was one of the most disappointing parts of the book. He thinks of himself as inferior and undeserving as well, and by the end of the book it’s not even clear if that stance has changed. We saw him grow into the courtier persona in the meeting with Eris when Tamlin shows up, but we never see it again. I know there were instances in which he stood up for Nesta, but he also very quicky after that became silent in other moments when they were insulting her. The next book isn’t in his pov, but I’m hoping we see him become more confident in himself and make a firmer stance to protect Nesta (although I doubt he’ll need to seeing as how Rhys kisses the ground she walks on now).

Now onto Nesta’s apologies to the IC. I think Nesta apologizing to Feyre was expected, and I’m glad the sisters had that moment. I am, however, upset that there was never a moment where all the sisters sat down, and hashed it out. Talked about what they’d been through, how it affected them, and how it affected their feelings toward each other. After everything that happened between Nesta and Elain, all that hurt, you’re telling me all it took was Nesta to make Elain laugh by saying “fuck you,” and we’re good? It’s lazy writing.

Elain telling Nesta that she only cared about how her trauma affected her did not sit right with me. Nesta sat by Elain’s side for weeks when she was in the thick of her struggles, and refused to leave her alone for fear that her struggles would eat her up alive. She constantly looked for anything that could help her sister, and never left her unprotected. Nesta and Elain didn’t communicate after the war, for reasons that we now know was because of Nesta’s guilt for Elain being kidnapped. It is not abnormal when a family member has been traumatized by things that have happened to another family member. That’s expected. Ask any family who has lost a child or had a relative go through something horrible.

Elain is acting as if Nesta has only ever been concerned with herself when she’s spent her entire life concerned with Elain. I made a post long ago about how the IC only wanted Nesta to heal for their sake rather than her sake, and there’s so much more evidence for that than for Elain. Elain’s healing process was able to be understood and encouraged by the IC, whereas they had no idea what to do with Nesta. So for Elain to come at Nesta for not caring about her trauma, a second after Nesta was trying to protect her from further trauma by telling her she didn't want her seering for the Trove, was unwarranted.

Speaking about Elain looking for the Trove, what happened there? Elain had this whole speech where she said she wanted to do something and no one could stop her and then we just. . . don’t hear anything about it again? SJM had a perfect opportunity to do something powerful with Elain there, and completely threw it away.

Nesta’s apology to Amren was extreme, dramatic, and honestly, unnecessary. Amren called Nesta a “pathetic waste of life,” constantly demeaned and degraded her anytime her name was mentioned, and said she did all this because Nesta used her as a shield against her problems and the IC. Seriously? Nesta using Amren as a shield does not warrant that kind of verbal abuse. It doesn't make her a pathetic waste of life. Amren’s been alive for how long? And reacts like that to an obvious side effect of extreme trauma? No ma'am. Nesta getting on her damn knees was too much, and obviously just another moment, like a lot of moments, that SJM felt the need to make dramatic. And then having the audacity to let Amren say to Nesta that, “the struggle with the darkness is worth it,” when she was one of those people who contributed to that darkness is disgusting.

I didn’t like Rhys at all in this book. Even after he saw inside Nesta’s mind about her experience in the cauldron, he was still wary and rude with her. Literally anytime Nesta showed that she was changing, Rhys didn’t change anything about his attitude or behavior towards her. A moment of regret, and then he’s back to being arrogant ass Rhys. Him not telling Feyre about the baby was also extremely stupid. It’s her body, her life, her baby’s life, his life, and she had a right to know what was happening. Not telling her because you didn’t want her to be “upset,” is a dumb excuse. I thought you always promised to let her make her own decisions, Rhys? What happened to that promise? The one that was a hell of a lot better than the stupid bargain ya’ll made? Though Nesta told her out of anger, good on her for telling her sister. Should’ve happened way sooner. His apology to Nesta was the only one that warranted the dramatics. That is what you get on your knees for.

That whole scene about him becoming High King had me throwing the book. Amren telling Rhys that the swords were some sort of mother-mary-cauldron-blessed-hallelujah sign that he was supposed to be High King had me fuming. It’s Nesta’s power. It’s Nesta’s sword. That should have never been a discussion. Not everything is for Rhys. These people are so blinded by their love for him they can’t even see how arrogant he is. To write Nesta giving back Ataraxia made me so angry after we just had a whole moment where we find out it means inner peace. I just hope that all of this is not foreshadowing Rhys becoming High King. I know you love him Sarah, but please don’t.

All in all, this book wasn’t too bad. There were some great moments and some bad moments. I think SJM’s biggest issue in her writing is that she doesn’t outline, or at least doesn't seem to outline, not thoroughly. I feel like she uses plot devices willy nilly whenever it’s the easiest solution. There was never a moment where I said, “that was clever!” A lot of it was cool, but not clever. Not creative. She also has a tendency to write very dramatically, in staccato type sentences where everything is made into a big moment, which bugs me a lot.

I love Nesta. She’s still my fav, and will probably always be my fav. This book doesn’t change that, and as you can tell in my review, most of the issues I had weren’t with her behavior, but with the behavior of other characters. I still love Cassian, even though he made me want to rip my hair out sometimes.

Will I read the next books? Probably. I can’t seem to stay away from these characters or these books, so kudos to SJM for writing them. I know a majority of people have given this book 4 or 5 stars, but I can’t bring myself to give it more than 2/5.

#nesta #cassian #nessian #acosf #a court of silver flames #sjm #nesta archeron #nesta x cassian #cassian x nesta #feysand #feyre #feyre archeron #rhysand #elain #elain archeron #amren #sarah j maas #nesta stan #nestastan

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bluerose5 · 3 years

Text

The Ghost of Paradise (Exile AU)

Chapter 2: By the Minute

Rating: M

Word Count: 3,796

Tags: Mass Effect: Andromeda, Scott Ryder, Reyes Vidal, Reyder, Pre-Relationship, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Exile, Flirting, Secrets, Complicated Relationships, Eventual Romance, Rivalry, Engineer/Mechanic Scott Ryder, Jealousy

[Read it here as well on ao3.]

“Our agents say that you were speaking with Reyes Vidal at Kralla’s,” Nola said. She didn’t even give Scott a chance to breathe. The second he was through their gates —which were still a work in progress— Scott was ambushed. “Do I even want to know what you have planned?”

Scott grinned at her.

“Why must I always have something planned?” Scott asked. “Reyes is a good friend. For all you know, we could have been catching up over drinks.”

“‘Could have’ doesn’t mean that you were.”

“Fair enough.”

As she fell into step at his side, Nola led him around while they spoke, appraising their growing community with pride.

“Scott, as governor of Paradise, should I not be made aware of any transactions that might affect us?”

“Well, yes, but—”

“Tell me what I need to know then. Nothing more, nothing less.”

As if he could refuse her insistent prodding. Every time he left, he always forgot how relentless she could be upon his return, but only when it pertained to matters that could have both predictable and unforeseen effects in their future.

In a way, Scott was grateful to have someone with that type of dedication on their side. They’re going to need it.

“I swear, it wasn’t anything particularly groundbreaking,” Scott promised. “I gave him some seeds from our latest project in exchange for a long-ranged scanner modification. That’s it.”

“Hmm… A decent enough trade.”

“Glad to have your approval.”

Of course, it was too much to hope that she would leave it at that.

“What is it for?” Nola asked.

Scott knew from experience not to lie to her face.

He sighed. “I’m going to scout out some of the Remnant ruins nearby. See if I can get a read on their bots, or a turret if I’m lucky.”

She cocked her head to the side and considered that for a moment, lips pursed.

“Promise to be careful then. I know you would gladly give your life to protect any of these people, but we don’t need you to throw it away because of pure recklessness,” she reminded him. “If it comes down to an altercation, we would rather have you here than some lousy turret schematics. Besides—” She shrugged. “You would probably be the only one who could make sense of them anyways. You and that stupidly genius brain of yours.”

Scott scoffed, suddenly uncomfortable as he shifted in place.

“Got it from my parents, or so they say.”

Ellen and Alec Ryder. The woman who literally gave her life to perfect biotic implants and the man who created a whole new type of AI. Quite the legacy to live up to.

Good thing Scott wasn’t living his life based on their achievements. Andromeda was a whole different playing field compared to the Milky Way. The work he was doing with Paradise was incredible in its own right. At least, he liked to think so.

If he could change at least one person’s life for the better in Andromeda, then he considered that a success.

Based on the feedback he was receiving from the residents, he was doing a damn good job, and that was enough for him.

But Nola had a point.

People relied on Scott now. As much as he was willing to dive headfirst into danger, he needed to refrain from doing so.

“I’ll be careful,” he promised her. “If things start to go south, I’ll ping you and Nakamoto.”

“Thank you,” she said, breathing a sigh of relief.

Scott hated to worry her so, but there was that one other matter.

“If it’s any consolation to you,” Scott said, trying for a lighter tone yet failing, “Reyes offered to accompany me on the trip.”

Nola stopped short, and Scott skidded to a halt. She narrowed her eyes at him with a sneer curling at her lip.

“No, that is not of any consolation to me. Scott Ryder, you know how he is.”

“Charming and witty?” Scott tried for his best smile, but Nola wasn’t buying into that bullshit, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Flighty and untrustworthy, especially once his back is against the wall.” Then, she amended her statement, taking on a slightly accusatory tone. “That’s assuming you didn’t pay any of his ridiculous service fees.”

“Puh-lease.” Scott chuckled. “If anyone should be spending their credits, Reyes should be the one paying me for my company. I’m a treasure not many can afford.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Nola snorted, “but at least you know your worth.”

“They say that time is money, after all. I’ll make sure to charge him by the minute while we’re together.”

“Please do, and make sure to get a picture of his face once you show him that bill.”

Scott was only happy to see her smile again.

“Will do,” he said.

“While you’re at it, drop a few hints here and there that Paradise might be looking to contract out some exclusive deals with top-rate smugglers. Leave out the ‘top-rate’ part, of course. Can’t have that going to the poor man's head.”

“His ego is already insufferable enough without the compliments,” Scott agreed, “but isn’t the whole point of secrecy for you and I not to draw attention to our connections here?”

“A woman can dream though, can’t she?” Nola sighed.

“So much for Reyes being ‘untrustworthy.’”

Nola didn’t even hesitate, brushing off his attempt to use her words against her.

“Skill is skill, and we don’t exactly have the people or resources to be picky right now. Everything is a commodity on Kadara, even integrity. If he betrays us, we’ll deal with him, simple as that.”

Right.

Still, it was laughable to think that the Charlatan would take on a contract with some of his direct competitors.

Although, that sounds like exactly the type of stunt that Reyes would pull. More than likely, he’d have an ulterior motive for doing so, but Scott could see it happening.

Did he support the idea, though? Definitely not.

“I don’t know,” Scott muttered. “I couldn’t see Reyes limiting his business to one group, especially if we’re only starting to get our feet wet.”

“You would know how he operates better than I, but I suppose that attitude is understandable. Disappointing, but understandable.” Nola grumbled. “Well, if nothing else, tell him the least he could do is give you a discount.”

“Trust me, I’ve been working that angle for a while. No such luck.”

“Greedy bastard.”

As they finished up their routine patrol, they soon switched direction, heading towards Nakamoto's clinic to conclude their meeting. There, Paradise’s leaders convened. They reviewed the requests that their colonists posted on the message boards around the settlement. Together, they decided on what matters they could approve for certain and which ones would be placed on the docket for a community vote. After that, they moved on to logistics, including topics such as requisitions and inventory.

To draw the meeting to a close, Nola relayed their latest numbers for colonial development. Water production was steady. However, food stores would be struggling soon to keep up with the recent influx of residents, so security personnel and all of those who knew their way around a gun were strongly encouraged to increase hunting and foraging activities while out on patrols or while performing their daily tasks. A roster will be posted on the local message boards to look for volunteers who would like to fill a full-time hunter-gatherer role.

Hopefully, what few angaran scientists they had amongst their people would be able to process their first batch of nutrient paste after their next harvest. It wasn’t exactly the tastiest solution available, but it was a necessary one if they were to survive.

In terms of population, there was a rapid spike in enrollment when word spread that Paradise actually got shit done and held true to their promises, but they expected the effect to eventually plateau once people settled in. Angara enrollment was up at the moment, especially after Scott appointed Nola as governor, and they have even seen a few Initiative members join up, having made the journey all the way from the Nexus to be reunited with friends, family, and loved ones.

Scott asked that they spread word for people to be warm and welcoming. The request probably wasn’t necessary, but it was better to be safe than sorry. Their community would make no friends by tearing people apart, and they prided themselves on being close and tight-knit.

It was important that they not only claimed to be but that they acted like it as well, backing up their words with actions.

Security assignments were then posted. Patrols would have to be upped to make up for an increase that they were seeing with gang-related attacks. Once automated security measures were in place, they would revisit the matter in order to assess which sectors needed heightened security. Emergency drills would be held at the end of the week.

With all of their needs addressed, Nola called the meeting to a close.

Once the meeting was adjourned, Scott approached Nola and their Head of Security, requesting a full census to be done within a day's time. Scott needed names, numbers, faces. Each citizen’s profile needed to be updated within their database.

If Scott was going to make an effective defense matrix for the colony, then he would prefer to program an IFF system that only a select few could remotely activate. For the system to work as intended, all of the colonists' photo IDs and biometric profiles would need to be kept current and constantly updated in real-time.

Nola promised to see to it that Scott got what he needed, shooing him off.

Apparently, he was hovering, but Scott could take a hint. He could tell when he was no longer needed, and he knew that Nola worked best when he wasn’t constantly worrying after her like a mother hen.

Departing from the settlement, Scott cloaked himself the second he went beyond the boundaries of their walls.

He was almost halfway back to Port when he received a message from Reyes. Figuring that he was in the clear, Scott made sure that the coast was clear before deactivating his cloak.

Pulling up his omni-tool’s interface, Scott opened the message. Along with it, there was a set of coordinates, sent from Reyes’s location.

R: Think I’m ready to cash in on those shuttle repairs. Wouldn’t mind the company right about now.

Scott’s fingers hovered above the holographic keys, contemplating his next move before deciding to hell with it.

S: Miss me that much?

R: Am I that obvious?

He didn’t even give Scott a chance to reply before he sent another message.

R: If it’s still in question though, let me put it bluntly.

R: I want to see you.

Scott pursed his lips, cursing his stupid heart for racing in response.

S: Give me a few. I’ll be there.

R: I’ll be looking forward to it.

Before he could embarrass himself, Scott closed out his messages. He quickly made his way to Port, grabbing his bag of tools and gear before venturing back out into the badlands.

From there, Scott followed the coordinates to a cliff, overlooking a nearby valley. The sun was slowly but surely sinking down over the horizon, lightning up the sky in array of pinks and oranges and reds.

Reyes was already waiting for him by the time he arrived, the shuttle powered down for the moment.

However, the second Scott noticed that Reyes was facing away from him, he instantly slowed his walk to a crawl. He bent his knees into a slight crouch and shifted his weight with each step, toe to heel as he snuck his way up behind him.

“You look like you’re waiting for someone.”

Scott delighted in watching him him jump in shock, only to have a blade at his throat in the blink of an eye.

As soon as Reyes realized who it was, all the blood drained from his face.

“S–Scott!”

Hands raised in surrender, Scott raised an eyebrow at him incredulously.

“You know, I was kind of expecting a warmer welcome,” he admitted, careful of the firaan's sharp edge. Keema must have given it to him. “Have to say, though, would it be weird if I was a little turned on right now?”

Reyes scoffed.

Trailing the blade along the outline of his throat, Scott swallowed thickly when he eventually felt its pointed tip press underneath his chin. Reyes tilted it up, and Scott followed, lest he risk being cut.

Their eyes met, and Reyes smirked.

Bastard was toying with him.

Retracting his knife, Reyes sheathed the firaan while Scott tried to catch his breath. The goosebumps left behind in the dagger's wake soon receded, yet a warm heat lingered.

“Tsk.” Reyes huffed at him. “Ryder—”

Uh-oh, back to last name basis. From experience, that meant trouble.

“You know better than to sneak up on me!” Reyes scolded.

“I do,” Scott said, not even afraid to acknowledge it, “but I love getting a rise out of you.”

“What if I would have hurt you?”

“But you didn’t.”

Scowling, Reyes placed his hands on his hips. Shaking his head, he pinched at the bridge of his nose.

“Scott, what the hell am I going to do with you?” he asked, releasing his nose, half-fond and half-frustrated.

“I’m sure we could think of something.”

Reyes hummed in agreement, watching Scott approach the shuttle with his bag tossed over his shoulder. He dropped it to the ground, then immediately got to work.

Watching him closely, Reyes leaned against the side of his shuttle with a thoughtful look.

“Maybe I could take you on a date?”

While Reyes tried to sound confident, his attempt ultimately failed. Instead of forming the words into a bold offer, they fell flat, sounding more like an uncertain question.

Scott stopped what he was doing. He spared Reyes a brief glance, only to return his attention to the task at hand, hiding his flushed face.

“Wouldn’t Zia disapprove?” Scott asked, being rougher than necessary as he practically took apart the control panel.

Envy curled inside him, spreading like an infection through his bloodstream. There was a sharp squeeze around his heart as it was encased in the feeling.

Reyes called him out on it, way too perceptive for his own good.

“Ryder, are you jealous?” Reyes chuckled.

Scott glared, causing him to throw his hands up in surrender.

“Just asking.”

“And if I am?” Scott retorted.

“Then I’d have to put your mind at ease.”

“It’s really none of my busin—”

Reyes closed the distance between them. Reaching out, he cupped Scott’s cheek, brushing his thumb along his bottom lip. Weak as he was, Scott leaned into his touch for a split second. His eyes threatened to flutter closed, but he had to remain firm about this one matter, if nothing else.

As he started to pull away, Reyes said, “There is nothing going on between Zia and I.” Scott froze into place. “We went out for drinks a few times, nothing more.”

“You swear?” Scott asked, narrowing his eyes.

“I swear.” His voice grew heated, impassioned. “I might be a bad man when it comes to many things, but I wouldn’t ever lie about that to you.”

Scott considered that before replying, “Well, like I said—” He cleared his throat, eyes averted. “ It’s not really any of my business, so I don’t know. I��m sorry. I shouldn’t have pried.”

He trailed off, uncertain why he was acting that way.

Reyes furrowed his brow.

“No need to be sorry. If you had crossed a line, then I would have said so.”

“Even then, you’re not mine. Your relationships are your own.”

“I could be.”

Scott regarded him skeptically.

“Could be what?”

“Yours,” Reyes answered instantly, staring intently at Scott. “Just say the word.”

If only they weren’t both keeping secrets from each other at the moment, then Scott might take him up on that.

Turns out, being with the Charlatan would be a huge conflict of interests. Who could’ve guessed?

Silence settled between them. It was as if the whole world was awaiting Scott’s answer with bated breath. Time itself seemed to stand still in anticipation.

“I—” He struggled to find the right words. “Give me time.”

That’s all he could ask.

Reyes’s hopeful expression fell, and that alone felt like a stab to the chest. Scott's breathing trembled a little, as if it was becoming difficult to continue drawing in one breath after another.

God, he didn’t want to hurt him, but neither of them could really afford to rush into things half-cocked.

Scott copied his earlier gesture, reaching out to cup Reyes’s cheek. The change was almost instantaneous, how the tension drained away, only for Reyes to melt into Scott’s touch. He leaned into his hand, starved for affection.

Scott swallowed thickly, unable to pull away, let alone take his eyes off of him for even a second.

“All I ask is that you give me time,” Scott repeated. “That’s not a ‘no.’ I just need to think a few things over, iron out a few details.”

Reyes listened, then agreed.

“Alright.” He pulled away with a small, private smile. “As if I could deny anyone such a reasonable request, especially you.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Returning his attention to the shuttle, Scott got back to work. After all, he didn’t want to neglect the poor bird, and it appeared that the shuttle was in desperate need of a little TLC.

His diagnostics only confirmed his suspicions.

When a couple of sparks resulted from his prodding, Scott chastised Reyes for mistreating their baby. Reyes grew defensive, both of them falling back to old habits as they bickered.

This was the type of work that Scott did on the Nexus after he got sidelined and shafted. Systems repairs, shuttle repairs, routine maintenance… That sorta thing.

It was how he met Reyes to begin with. Few pilots had the energy to hang around and talk shop with Scott while he worked, especially since a lot of them had only recently returned from failed colonization efforts. Understandably, most people didn’t want to entertain idle conversation after watching their friends die out in the field.

That was fine by Scott, but Reyes had always gone out of his way —even then— to make sure that Scott had anything and everything that he needed.

They might have taken his shuttle out on a few joyrides together, gotten in trouble for wasting fuel, but Scott wouldn’t trade that time they spent together for anything in the galaxy.

Even now, it felt natural to settle back into their old routine. While Scott worked, Reyes watched, and they talked about anything and everything.

Time passed, and Scott only got deeper into the repairs and modifications. Despite the setting sun, he still broke a sweat, a light sheen glistening upon his skin.

Eventually, he had to take off his shirt, leaving him in a plain tank top that quickly got dirty along with his hands.

Swiping at the perspiration beading at his hairline, Scott grunted as he came to a stopping point for now. He reached for his bag, but what he was seeking wasn’t there.

“Shit.”

Turning towards Reyes, Scott huffed at him.

The bastard wasn’t even trying to hide his staring. Face flushed, he was biting teasingly at his bottom lip, brown eyes dark as he watched Scott through a hooded gaze.

Getting to his feet, Scott crossed his arms over his chest.

“See something you like?”

“Definitely.”

“You’re shameless.” Scott shook his head in disbelief, tsking under his breath. “You’re just as bad as that one time when Gil Brodie asked for a ‘second opinion’ on some fix he made. Turns out, I ended up doing almost all of the work while he sat back and watched.”

“Smart man,” Reyes noted, giving Scott a thorough once-over. “This Gil must have great tastes.”

Scott snorted.

“Flattery will get you nowhere. If you really want to make me happy, then you would grab your water bottle for me.”

“Did you forget yours?” Reyes asked, slightly concerned. After all, being caught out in the badlands without water was just asking for dehydration or heat stroke.

Nevertheless, he got the bottle for him. Scott placed his hands over Reyes’s, shrugging with a flustered blush.

“Yeah,” Scott sighed. “I thought I had packed it! I don’t know where it could’ve wandered off to.”

“Perhaps you were in a bit of a rush to get here,” Reyes said, trailing off suggestively.

Scott figured that he would allow that.

“Perhaps,” he agreed, “but what else do I keep you around for, if not the water? You wouldn’t want the guy repairing your shuttle to get dehydrated, right?” Scott smirked. “I could get delirious, and it would be very unfortunate if I just so happened to forget to install an essential component.”

Reyes gasped dramatically, relinquishing the water to Scott, who was quick to take a swig.

“You always have to watch out for the pretty ones,” Reyes grumbled. “Always causing trouble, keeping secrets…”

There it was again. That sense of knowing , that sense that both of them were holding something back. It was left unsaid. Neither confronted the other about it, but they knew that the secrets were there.

Before the sudden lag in conversation could get too awkward, Scott took another swig of water and asked, “So, you think I’m pretty?”

Reyes chuckled, glad for the change of subject.

“Kian seems to think so,” he muttered. Leave it to him to avoid the question. “He keeps asking when you’re going to start working for him at Tartarus.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“As a dancer?” He had to make sure he was hearing right.

“Yep.”

“Could you imagine?” Scott scoffed. “Me, shaking my ass for money? A tempting offer. It would probably be more profitable than the odd jobs I take on here and there, but I think I’m fine where I’m at.”

“Damn,” Reyes sighed, “what a shame.”

Scott raised an eyebrow in his direction.

“You saying you would have come to watch me?”

“Not only that, but I would have paid to watch you,” Reyes said, “especially if I could have gotten a private show out of it.”

Scott tried to imagine it, grinning in spite of himself.

“What’s so funny?” Reyes wondered.

“Nothing, nothing,” Scott said, brushing off his concern. “That just made me remember a thought that I had earlier.”

“What about?”

“Oh, you know.” Scott gestured vaguely. “Just that I should start charging you a fee for when we spend time together.”

Reyes winked at him.

“It would be worth every credit.”

#mass effect #mass effect andromeda #scott ryder #reyes vidal #reyder #mreyder #my writing #my fanfic #scott ryder x reyes vidal #exile au #hopefully tumblr doesn't screw with the order of my paragraphs again :/

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dessarious · 4 years

Text

Misconceptions, Miscommunication, and Misinformation Pt76

Inspired by @ozmav Maribat AU

AO3 Beginning Previous Next

That night Chloe and Marinette were at the hotel. Marinette felt somewhat guilty for the way she’d been relying on Chloe. Even now she was using her as a pillow because she just couldn’t get comfortable on her own. Granted Chloe hadn’t complained at all but between feeling useless and taking up all her time Marinette was starting to feel like a huge burden.

“I know you’re not asleep, you’re far too tense. What’s wrong?” She jumped a little at Chloe’s voice, but couldn’t bring herself to look up at her.

“Why don’t you like Barbara?” Marinette didn’t even know where the question came from. Yes, the tension had been strange but it wasn’t Chloe’s normal hostile attitude towards those she didn’t like either. She’d been planning on just leaving it alone unless they interacted more. However she also didn’t want to discuss what was actually bothering her.

“It’s not that I don’t like her…” Chloe paused and Marinette looked up to see her frowning in thought.

“You don’t know why you reacted that way.” It wasn’t a question but Chloe nodded anyway. “Do you have any guesses? Or does it feel like something you’ve experienced before?” Marinette had learned not to just ignore feelings like this. First because, with the Miraculous especially, their instincts were there for a reason and ignoring them wasn’t a good idea. Second, letting Chloe mull over a problem by herself had a tendency to blow up in everyone’s face.

“It sort of feels like the way I was with you when we were little. I think…” She paused and Marinette just waited, hugging her a bit tighter so she’d know it was okay. “I think I’m jealous that she can understand you in a way I can’t. That you can share things with her you can’t with me.” The words were soft, like she didn’t want to be heard. “It’s stupid I know.”

“Your feelings aren’t stupid and I’m glad you told me.” Marinette paused to think about the problem. Unfortunately it was something time was likely to fix. “She might have a better understanding of what I’m going through, but you’re the one here with me all the time. You’re living through it with me and that’s far more important. Assuming you don’t get sick of me using you as a horse, pillow, and errand girl before I get things figured out and can actually do things on my own again.”

“Until we figure things out. And honestly I like being with you all the time. Not to mention I actually feel needed which is really nice. I know it’s selfish but before this happened I always felt like more of a tag a long than anything else. I’ve been waiting for you to decide that you deserve better, or that I’m just a phase you’re going through. Now I at least feel useful.” That finally caused Marinette to really look at her. The guilt in her expression hurt, as did knowing that she’d missed this, probably since they started dating.

“Chloe, you’ve never been a phase and even if there’s better out there, which I highly doubt, I don’t want it. I want you.” The look of shock and hope on her face caused another wave of guilt. “What’s more I need you, and not because of my legs. Whenever I feel like I can’t do something, or like I’m a failure, you’re there to tell me to get over myself and do it. Whenever everything gets too overwhelming you’re there to pick it apart into manageable pieces. When everything is just too much, you’re there to tell me that I don’t have to do everything by myself. I don’t need you because I can’t walk. I need you because you’re you.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damian was texting Luka on the burner phone he’d bought not long after finding out Marinette was Ladybug. He’d wanted a way to communicate that his family wouldn’t have access to so that they didn’t get information they shouldn’t have. He was especially grateful for that device now that Drake was in Paris.

“Do you really have a boyfriend?” Tim’s question caused him to roll his eyes. He didn’t bother answering. No one in his family seemed to know what to do with that information though he didn’t know why. It didn’t seem to be attached to the fact that he liked another boy either. “It’s just… honestly with the way you act around other people and the fact that you’ve never really shown interest in anyone before we all kind of figured you were ace.”

Damian leveled his brother with a flat look. Once he’d started feeling things for Luka he’d done a lot of research on sexual and romantic attraction. The sheer number of orientations and vocabulary was honestly annoying to him. He understood that most people wanted to feel like there were other people out there that were the same as them, but it seemed like there were so many overly specific descriptions that it just made his head hurt. Eventually he decided that finding a specific label for what he was, wasn’t just unnecessary, but also limiting. He didn’t want to put himself in a box that would define him when he wasn’t certain about any of it in the first place.

“I didn’t realize you all talked about my personal life so much. You really should concentrate on your own rather than try to analyze mine.” Tim frowned at him but it looked more like confusion than insulted.

“We care about you, whether you want to believe it or not, and we want you to be happy. I just don’t want you feeling like you have to be with someone if you don’t really want to be.” Damian could only scoff and the stupidity of that statement.

“When do I ever do something I don’t want to do without one of you forcing it on me?” Tim actually flinched at the question. It was true though. His family had an incredibly annoying habit of not only inserting themselves where they weren’t wanted, but also pushing him where they wished with no real regard for what he wanted.

“We’re just trying to help you. You act so certain of everything but you’re still just a kid and considering a lot of your attitude and opinions were set by your mother we want to try and make you open to new things.” That just brought another eye roll.

“And you really think forcing me to do things against my will or better judgement actually makes me more open to things? Given the fact that none of you even bother to ask me what I think or feel about anything you’re just projecting your assumptions on me before making decisions about what I should or shouldn’t like or do. None of you know me at all yet you constantly feel the need to ‘fix’ me. All you’re really doing is making me less likely to try things on my own since I know you’ll all just fixate on it and then force me to do it the way you think I should.”

Tim was looking at him like he’d never seen him before but Damian just ignored him and continued texting. That was another reason he didn’t want to label himself. Everyone in his life already did it for him, no matter how inaccurate it actually was.

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#maribat #marinette dupen chang #Damian Wayne #bffmaridami

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13yearslater · 4 years

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Rights in the UK

I don’t really know what I’m about to write as I start this, but I’ve been feeling some feelings lately about the social and political climate surrounding trans people.

I’m grateful to be in the UK, which relatively speaking is a fairly progressive and safe country for trans people compared to many others.

But I am still scared.

I’m not scared that I will be individually targeted and assaulted in the street. Although the 2,500 hate crimes against transgender people last year alone (a 210% increase since 2015/16) suggests that maybe my lack of concern is the privileged complacency of not being visibly trans, especially when we see that 81% of LGBT people don’t even report the hate crimes against them. That complacency lives on a tightrope however; I am one incident away, one incident of my trans status falling into the wrong hands, from realising that I am not immune to the abuse that I see my local trans sisters face on a daily basis.

And how confident would I be that any hate crime I were to experience would be dealt with appropriate and effectively? Well given that Scottish minister Humza Yousaf very almost pushed through amendments to Scotland’s Hate Crime & Public Order Bill that would directly exclude transgender people I may, perhaps naively, expect the police and courts to provide protection and justice for me now, but I am constantly reminded of just how fragile my protections are and how they can be snatched away at any given moment, and with public support.

What really scares me is the disregard for our rights and the increasing amounts of ‘anti trans’ pressure groups in the UK who are continuing to gain support and traction, including many that are LGBT based wishing to exclude us from their community entirely.

1. Gender Recognition Act

The Gender Recognition Act is one example I will address. This act is the means that trans people in the UK use to legally change their gender and acquire an updated birth certificate. This is a sixteen year old, heavily bureaucratic, expensive and lengthy process. It requires a payment of £140 and the following, many of which are also not free to obtain:

a) The requirement for the trans person to provide two medical reports, one evidencing a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and the other outlining details of any treatment received;

b) The requirement for the trans person to provide a range of documentation that proves they have lived in their acquired gender for at least two years;

c) The requirement for the trans person to submit a statutory declaration of their intention to live in their acquired gender until death;

d) The requirement for married applicants to obtain the consent of their spouse or end their marriage;

e) The cost to the trans person of using the GRA process

It’s the very reason that over a decade later, I still have not obtained my gender recognition certificate. And given that an average of 300 GRC applications are processed each year compared to the estimated 200,000 to 500,000 trans people in the UK, I suspect I’m not the only one.

So anyway, in 2018 there was a consultation about the Gender Recognition Act with over 100,000 respondents and promises to reform this act. The response was hugely positive with the vast majority supporting the reform. It highlighted all the issues with the process that is preventing trans people gaining legal recognition. We were all hopeful, and many of us who had been awaiting this moment to gain our own GRCs sat in wait. Unfortunately, two years later, the government announced that they had decided to scrap plans to reform the GRA altogether stating that this was not the priority for trans people. The consultation was also considered to be biased due to too many positive responses; despite only ~20% of respondents being trans themselves and ~20% being from all called upon by anti-trans groups such as Fair Play for Women.

2. The Keira Bell case

I don’t wish to get into the finer details of the case itself or my opinions on the matters involved, but to give a brief overview, a woman who transitioned and received puberty blockers at age 16, testosterone at age 17 and a double mastectomy at age 20. She later detransitioned and went on to sue the NHS (National Health Service) claiming that she was not challenged enough and that under 18s cannot consent to treatment such as puberty blockers with the aim to prevent the prescription of puberty blockers for all trans youth.

Long story short, she was successful and the Tavistock clinic, ie the only gender identity clinic in the UK that treats trans people under the age of 18, is no longer able to prescribe puberty blockers to anyone under the age of 16, with those between 16-18 having to seek approval via court first.

If we take a look at who was involved in this court case we see Keira Bell herself and her mother as the claimants and the Tavistock clinic as the defendant. For the interested parties who had direct input into this case we had “Mrs A” - the mother of a 15yr old autistic child displaying gender dysphoria who is firmly against her child being able to access a gender clinic (interestingly, any of her input was regarded as purely hypothetical since her child had never attended, nor would ever attend a gender identity clinic), we also had Transgender Trend - an anti-trans pressure group and finally, we have the University College of London who are not gender specialists. Meanwhile, groups such as Mermaids who are a well-known charity aimed at supporting trans children and Stonewall who are campaigners for LGBT rights in the UK both applied and were both denied access to this case. The judge of course did also not have any authority on the subject.

My issue here is yet again, how fragile my rights and protections feel and my ever waning confidence that government or legal processes are in any way fair and balanced. This was not a fair trial; there was no balance in stances, other than the defendant there were no gender specialists or even anyone heavily involved in the lives and care of trans people. The majority of interested parties were there with a firm agenda, and those that countered their beliefs were not allowed through the doors.

Puberty blockers are not an issue that affect me directly, but if a biased court taking the likes of “Mrs A” and her ‘theoretical’ input over reputable charities with a wealth of knowledge, experience and expertise can be created to make such rulings and remove healthcare from an entire demographic of people then what is stopping that happening to my healthcare? Nothing, that’s what.

3. The census

Our census takes place every ten years and has always allowed transgender individuals to choose the sex that aligns with their passport. For me personally, selecting male feels like a far more accurate representation of my place in society, my legal status and my physicality along with the fact that I have been listed as male in previous census forms.

This year however, a second question was added. This questions asks “do you identify with your sex assigned at birth” with the options being yes or no and a box to enter further information when selecting no. The official guidance on the first question remained the same, stating that it was appropriate to select the sex that aligned with passports or legal documents. The first question allows data to be gathered on men and women, the second question allows data to be gathered specifically on the number of transgender individuals and other identities such as non binary - the two questions are entirely independent of each other and will generate separate sets of data.

But today, it came to light that anti-transgender pressure group, Fair Play for Women crowdfunded £100,000 to challenge this and bring it to court. This was successful and the official guidance has now changed to exclude all legal documents except a gender recognition certificate - which as previously mentioned, only a small percentage of trans people actually have due to the long, expensive and bureaucratic process involved in obtaining one.

Personally, I don’t really mind if I have to tick female to a question that asks my sex at birth. The question doesn’t explicitly ask for sex at birth however and is more aimed at showing the demographics of the UK for which female is absolutely not accurate for me. What bothers me is that a group have raised £100,000 from the public to ensure that we can’t select an accurate representation of who we are and our place in society and that it was approved.

4. The toilet provision

This has flown under the radar due to Covid-19 but the government recently held a consultation around public toilets. It seems fairly innocent at first glance. Except again, we’re seeing these anti-trans pressure groups calling for action amongst their followers, some with the call to ‘protect single sex spaces’. Could this be the beginnings of American-style bathroom bills in the UK?

---

So yes, I am scared. I’m scared by the fragility of my rights and freedoms; how easy they are to peel away bit by bit and how it passes by with little notice nor care, or in some cases with public support and even funding. I’m scared of the people who are given the power to make decisions about our rights based on no prior knowledge of experience of trans issues. I’m scared that we will be alienated and excluded from our LGBT spaces and supports. Will I be looking back in ten years, eternally grateful that I was able to transition when I did? Grateful for the gender clinics of today with their six year waiting lists? Will I live in a time where I must disclose my trans status on every document, at every job? Will I live in a time where I must provide my sex in order to use the gym? Will there be a time that I am not able to legally change my gender? I’m scared by the hostility of society, at times their vehement opposition to us existing amongst them, their disregard for the importance of our healthcare and all too often the anger that our ‘cosmetic’ surgeries are covered at all.

In a time that my life and rights feel like a debate, unimportant and constantly at the mercy of others, in a time that members of the public will raise huge amounts of money just to stop people like you ticking a box on a form, you’re damn right I’m scared for the future.

#ftm #trans #transgender #trans man #lgbt #lgbtq #sources included #text

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radishaur · 4 years

Note

can u do a zuko x reader high school au where the reader (female or gender neutral) is part of the gaang's friend group and is a huge nerd? (in math or science or english or everything because there aren't enough nerd readers mam) feel free to do anything you want with that! ty!

As a fellow nerd, I am so in love with this idea! I actually love this idea so I think I’m gonna be turning this one into a series! I hope you enjoy this!

- Zoe

•••

Highschool AU (Zuko x Reader)

Warnings: None

Genre: Fluff, Highschool AU, some angst

Part: 1/?

Summary: Zuko was, by no means, your typical student. He was super popular despite having relatively no friends. He was quite shy and mostly kept to himself. Every girl was swooning over him, but he never noticed. He also was pretty much barely passing every class he was in, besides PE and Theatre. So when the school appoints you as his personal tutor, you wouldn’t say you were surprised. What did surprise you was how well the two of you got along.

•••

The soft sound of the alarm going off brought you out of your sleep. You groaned in annoyance before sitting up. The sun wasn’t even up yet, but that didn’t matter. School started at 7 AM sharp, no excuses.

You swung yourself out of bed and hit the off button for your alarm. Stretching, you found yourself walking into the bathroom to get ready for the day.

It was the same routine every day. Get up and get ready for school. Eat breakfast and go straight to school. Go to your classes as expected and don’t cause trouble. Keep your grades up or else. Look out for your sister because she’s blind and “can’t take care of herself” (total bullshit). Come home and do your homework. Go to sleep. That was the routine for Y/N Beifong.

Having parents in politics meant you were constantly having to meet these insane expectations. You had to be perfect. There was no room to be a normal teenager. Not for me.

I sighed and got dressed before heading over to Toph’s room. She was usually a heavy sleeper and I had to wake her up.

“Toph! Sokka, Aang, and Katara are gonna be here any minute now,” I exclaimed as I turned the lights on in her room.

She grumbled slightly before sitting up. Her hair was everywhere and I giggled slightly.

“Come on. Get dressed so I can do your hair,” I told her before heading to the kitchen to make some food.

I put some fruit into the blender along with some ice and milk to make us both smoothies. I let it mix before pouring them into two cup and handing one to a sleepy Toph who shuffled into the kitchen.

“Rough night?” I asked as I began taming her hair.

“Nothing I can’t handle,” she replied as she hastily drank her smoothie.

I pinned her hair into her usual style. As I was placing the last bobby pin in, I heard a honk from outside. Definitely Sokka.

Toph and I both grabbed our bags before running outside and jumping in the car. The rides to school were always my favorite. We could just laugh and be ourselves. It was incredibly refreshing.

When we pulled into the school parking lot, we all went out seperate ways to class. I was the oldest of the group, a whole grade above everyone else. Sokka and Katara were only one underneath me and then Aang and Toph were both freshman. How is that even possible you might be asking?

Well, both Aang and Katara skipped a grade. They’ve always been slightly smarter than their age group so it didn’t really surprise anyone. As for Toph, pretty much everyone was surprised to find out that she was practically a genius. She didn’t care about school in the slightest, but she was incredibly smart. She had to take special classes because of her blindness, but she was a part of the school nonetheless. Honestly, it worked out great for me. I had all of my friends in the same place, even if I didn’t have any classses with them.

I went about my day as usual, vigorously taking notes and listening to the different lectures. Everything was going by as normal until I was called to the principals office before lunch. My teacher handed me the note before continuing his lecture.

The walk there had been absolutely nerve wracking. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong and yet I still couldn’t calm down. Mostly out of fear for what my parents would do if they found out I was called there in the first place. I took a deep breath before opening the door to the principal’s office.

“Ah! Miss Y/N,” Principal Williams greeted with a welcoming smile, “Have a seat.”

“Good morning Mr. Williams,” I replied as I sat down.

I shifted nervously in my seat as I waited for him to tell me why I was here.

“Don’t worry. You’re not in trouble,” he prefaced, sending a wave of relief over me, “We’re just waiting on another student to arrive and then I’ll explain why you’re here.”

I cocked my head curiously, wondering what could possibly be happening. It wasn’t maybe a minute long before the door creaked open once more. Stepping inside was the last person I expected to see.

“Mr. Zuko! Late as always,” Principal Williams greeted, noticeably less friendly.

Standing in the doorway stood Zuko. He had a red cardigan with a button up underneath, black jeans, and a brown book bag slung over his shoulders. My eyes flicked to the scar that covered almost the entire left side of his face before looking over the rest of him. His brown hair fell lightly over his face and he shifted nervously in the doorway before sitting like he was told to.

“This is Ms. Y/N. I’m sure you’ve seen eachother around school before,” he said, pointing between the two of us.

Zuko nodded slightly before averting his gaze. I had indeed seen him around before. His father was also in politics and his sister, Azula, was one of the top students in the school and the two were never seen together at school. His scar was the spark of many gossip filled conversations you could hear while walking down the halls. Zuko himself was quiet. He kept to himself and didn’t have many friends.

“Zuko here is in need of a tutor. He’s barely passing any of his classes and his father is paying us to find him a student tutor. Seeing as you’re one of our top students and the same age, it only made sense to pick you,” he explained to me, barely even paying attention to Zuko at all.

“Oh,” was all I managed to say.

I had a million thoughts running through my head. I didn’t even know what to say.

“We’ll pay you for your efforts of course and the school will provide you with library space to work. All you need to do is tutor Zuko until his grades go up,” he continued, leaning back in his chair.

Zuko hadn’t said a word. You could see him blushing slightly out of the corner of your eye, presumably because he was embarrassed. You two had never spoken before and now he was getting bad mouthed right in front of me. I couldn’t help but feel somewhat sorry for him. Principal Williams did really put him in an uncomfortable position.

“When would I be tutoring him?” I asked, bringing my attention back to the situation at hand.

“Every day after school starting today until his grades improve. Then we can adjust the schedule as needed,” Principal Williams said before handing me a sheet of paper and adding, “That’s a list of all the subjects you’ll be covering.”

I nodded to conform I had heard him, but my head was elsewhere. This was a huge commitment I was being thrown into, but I couldn’t really say no. Besides, judging by the list of subjects I’d be teaching him, they were all ones I actually enjoyed. I would have to tell my parents and Toph about the new arrangement though and that wasn’t a conversation I was particularly looking forward too.

“Great. Why don’t you two exchange phone numbers so you can communicate and then you can be on your ways,” he said before ushering us out into the waiting room.

I stood awkwardly in front of him. He was only slightly taller than me, but it was enough to make me feel slightly intimidated. Despite his social awkwardness, he looked like someone you didn’t want to piss off. I shook my head and decided to introduce myself properly.

“So, I know that probably wasn’t the best way to get introduced. My name is Y/N,” I said, giving him a friendly smile.

“Zuko,” he said back.

This was the first time I had heard his voice. In all honesty, it sent a swarm of butterflies off in my stomach. It was quiet and held this almost gravelly tone that made my knees weak.

“It’s nice to meet you. Why don’t I give you my number so I can text you later,” I suggested, shoving the funny feeling in my stomach down.

He took his phone out and looked at me. His amber eyes met my (E/C) one’s expectantly. I repeated my number for him and then pulled out my own to get his. I was putting his contact name in when he spoke again.

“I’m sorry for getting you forced into tutoring me. My family was insistent on having a student tutor,” he apologized, a small blush dusting his cheeks as he did.

“That’s alright. I don’t mind. I’m actually really passionate about most of the stuff I’ll be teaching you anyways,” I assured him as I stuffed my phone back into my pocket.

He hummed to let me know he had heard me but he didn’t say anything else. I looked down awkwardly by my feet, unsure of what to do next. I was scrambling for what to say when the lunch bell rang.

“Well, I better get going. I don’t want to keep my friends waiting. I’ll text you after school,” I said before making my way to the lunch room.

I met my friends and we all got in line to grab lunch. I was grateful that our school provided actual food. Granted, this was a private school. It was incredibly prestigious. You had to either pay to attend or be here on a scholarship.

“So, I heard that you got pulled out of class to go to the principal’s office,” Toph taunted, poking me in the side with her elbow.

“Ms. Goody-two-shoes got sent to the office? No way,” Sokka said, grabbing his tray as we all began walking towards our table outside.

“What did you get called down for?” Aang asked out of curiosity.

We all sat down at the table and I began eating as I answered.

“I’m going to be a tutor for another student. I’m getting paid and everything,” I explained.

“Oh wow! Who is it?” Katara asked as she took a bite out of her sandwich.

“Zuko,” I answered casually.

Sokka choked on his drink and looked at me with wide eyes. Pretty much everybody at the table did besides Toph who just continued eating like nothing had happened.

“You’re going to be tutoring Zuko? Like the Zuko?” he asked in disbelief.

I rolled my eyes. Everybody at school acted like this. Sokka really needed to stop gossiping so much.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. He’s just like the rest of us,” I argued, taking another bite of my food.

“You’re insane, Y/N. Zuko is the mysterious hottie that everybody wants to date. Do you know how many people would kill for the opportunity you were just handed?” he exclaimed, waving his hands out to gesture to the many students milling around.

“Don’t tell me you’re crushing on him or something. Are you jealous?” I teased, kicking his leg slightly under the table.

Everybody laughed as Sokka scowled.

“Haha. You know I’ve had my eyes on Suki since day one,” he sighed, looking off in the distance dreamily.

We spent the rest of the lunch period like usual, just discussing our days and making plans to hang out this weekend. I went through the rest of my classses more anxious than usual, though. Normally I would be completely focused, but I couldn’t get my mind of tutoring Zuko.

His awkward demeanor did nothing to hide his look. I hated to agree with the opinion of the student body, but he was undeniably good looking. I also couldn’t stop thinking about how I had to spend the next however many hours trying to tutor him. I was nervous to see if I would be any good at it. What if we didn’t get alone well?

I was brought back to reality by the final bell. My heartbeat began to accelerate slightly, but I forced myself to calm down. I texted the group chat I had with my friends to remind them of my tutoring session and then made my way into the library. It was completely empty save for Zuko. He was already sitting down at a table and was fidgeting nervously with his sleeve. He had headphones in and I made sure to walk in front of him so I didn’t startle him.

“Hey,” I said, sitting down in the chair next to him.

He plucked the earbuds out of his ears carefully and turned to look at me. He gave me a halfhearted smile before shoving his headphones into his bag.

“Hi,” he mumbled.

“So, I feel like I should preface this by letting you know I’ve never been a tutor before. I’m not really sure how this is supposed to work,” I admitted sheepishly.

“Oh,” he said quietly.

I pulled my textbooks out of my bag and set them down on the table. I thought for a moment before deciding on what to do.

“Why don’t we get to know eachother better?” I suggested.

His good eye widened a bit in shock before his expression changed to one of confusion.

“Aren’t you supposed to be tutoring me?” he questioned me.

“I will. I just think it would help if we actually knew a little bit about eachother. That way we aren’t just total strangers,” I explained, turning my chair to face him.

He shifted nervously before finally facing me. He was definitely incredibly awkward. Luckily for both of us, I found it endearing. Besides, growing up with Toph you kind of have to learn to adapt. She’s not exactly known for being the most social.

“Alright,” he agreed.

“Great. I guess I’ll start. Ask me anything you want to know,” I said, leaning back in my chair.

His brows furrowed in thought. I had to hold back at laugh at his determination. He was taking this very seriously it appeared.

“What uh.....what do you do for fun?” he asked finally.

“I actually love to read. That’s usually what I do after school if I’m not hanging out with my friends. I also love studying environmental science,” I answered honestly.

“Oh. I’m not very good at either of those,” he admitted sheepishly, his cheeks growing pink.

“What are you good at?” I asked.

“I guess I’m good at sports. I used to take martial arts when I was little. Now I mostly just um......” he trailed off before mumbling something under his breath, his embarrassment growing clearer and clearer.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear the last part,” I admitted.

“I uh......I really enjoy theatre,” he admitted quietly, averting his gaze from mine.

“Oh! I didn’t strike you as a theatre person. That’s cool! My sister and I used to sneak out and watch some local plays before we got caught,” I admitted, laughing at the memory.

Toph used to insist on going, even though she couldn’t see. She said it was a good chance for her to practice her version of seeing. At first, I thought it was ridiculous, but she surprised me like usual. As long as her feet were on the ground she could sense where everything was.

Zuko was surprised. He had expected you to make fun of him, but instead you seemed completely unfazed. Theatre, as his father said, was for girls.

“You don’t think that’s weird?” he questioned, testing the waters.

“Why would that be weird?” you asked, your head cocked to the side in confusion.

He seemed to be relaxed slightly by your answer and for the first time, a genuine smile graced his features. It was small, but even that sent a small flutter alight in your stomach. You smiled back and continued to get to know him. After a while, you finally began tutoring him. You spent almost 2 hours there before you two decided to call it a night.

Now, you were laying in bed. Normally you would be out like a light, but tonight you couldn’t get a certain someone out of your head. You guys had clicked almost instantly after Zuko relaxed. You guys had more in common than you would have expected.

You sighed and turned on your side to look at the stars. As you drifted off to sleep, you couldn’t help but be excited to see him again.

#zuko x reader #zuko #prince zuko fanfic #prince zuko fanfiction #prince zuko fic #prince zuko #highschool au

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liberolove · 4 years

Text

Our Great Perhaps

Pairing: Nishinoya x reader

Summary: You two have been dating for about 3 years. You met him in your first semester of college, and you two have been pretty strong. Now, however, taking into account each of your career paths has brought up issues. Maybe, it wasn’t meant to be.

Genre: crack, angst, college au (first part)

Warnings: cussing

Part One || Part Two: here

Nishinoya Yuu was an inimitable beast and glorious lover. He was the most passionate, romantic, and charismatic partner. You had never met someone like him before, so when he waltzed gracefully into your life, you were in awe.

There was no way that a man like this could ever exist. You had dreamt of your stereotypical prince charming and knight in shining armor entering your life and sweeping you off of your feet. However, you had no idea your fairy tale dream could ever become a reality. And so soon.

The moment you two crossed paths, it felt as though worlds had collided. The stars had aligned and your prayers had been answered. Finally. This was the beginning of your happily ever after.

From the exact second you laid your eyes upon his beautifully toned physique, you knew that there was something special about him. Perhaps, this was the way love at first sight feels like?

When he walked into the lecture hall, everyone else faded from view, leaving only you and him. You just remember his smile, and those brightly lit eyes, looking throughout the hall for a place to sit. He seemed a little lost, but eventually he found somewhere to settle.

You were shocked to find him moving towards you, in the back of the wide room. You were sitting alone in that row of seats, hoping that no one would sit next to you, yet he saw you. He saw that you didn’t actually want to be alone. You were wanting- yearning for someone. Anyone. Anyone to come and sit next to you.

He heard your silent begging, and complied. Once he was close enough, he grinned his award winning teeth and introduced himself.

“Nishinoya Yuu. But you can call me either Noya or Yuu. What’s your name, gorgeous?”

Those words will forever be seared into the back of your mind. They are the first words your guardian angel ever spoke to you.

Since then, you two never let go of each other. No matter where you were, everyone knew that Noya was close by. Despite having different majors, you two did your best to take the same general education classes.

But once your studies started leading you to your core major classes, you two had to part ways in terms of school. This didn’t come between you and Noya much, due to the fact that you two had been living together since your three month anniversary. It felt so right at the time, so why not?

Despite the differences in coursework, you knew that you could always come to him in your cozy apartment.

What was starting to drive a wedge between the two of you was the fact that Noya had begun to delve in deeper into his extracurriculars.

You were psyched to hear about his growing opportunities within his field of study: kinesiology. He dreamt of becoming a personal trainer and a coach for high school students. He had a big heart and wished to give back to his community.

The only problem was that he was focusing all his attention to the intramural volleyball team, the kinesiology club, and his current position at a local high school.

At first it was manageable, but as the semester progressed, he was constantly busy, leaving you stranded at home.

After spending almost three years joined at the hip practically, this change felt so wrong and absurd. You hadn’t felt this lonely in so long.

Usually, Noya was so caring and attentive to your mental state, but now, with everything going on, he couldn’t spare the time to listen to you.

You were so afraid of him forgetting you. Noya was constantly running here and there like a whirlwind, causing him to skip out on your weekend dates. He had so much work to do, and couldn’t afford to get behind on his studies.

As the number of postponed dates grew, you decided it was time to talk. The anxiety of not knowing how he would respond starting to take over your thoughts. You had no idea how to bring it up nor how to convey your emotions to him.

~~~~~

The day you finally decided to spill your feelings, he was running late. You had set up dinner about half an hour ago, yet he still wasn’t home.

You were considering just heading off to bed, since it was getting really late. That’s when the door opened.

“Hey, sweetie, I’m so sorry! The boys wanted to go out to eat after practice, so we got- oh.. Oh fuck, y/n. I’m so sorry! I should’ve texted you that we went out.. I’m so sorry.. I’ll eat it tomorrow for breakfast. Sorry.”

“It’s fine, Yuu. I’m sorry, too, for not letting you know.”

There was a lull in the conversation, and you felt the knot in the back of your throat grow. You tried to get it out, but your own words were choking you. Your eyes started to well up with tears. Nishinoya was putting away dinner when he heard your stifled sobs, and immediately turned towards you and held you close to his chest.

“Baby, what’s wrong? Please tell me. Is it because I didn’t tell you earlier about going out to eat? I’m so sorry.”

“n-noo.. It’s n-not.. that.” you managed to say.

“Then, what is it? You can tell me. You know that, right? You can tell me anything.”

Those words. They dug deep into your heart. You knew he would hear you out, but the fear of the unknown kept ringing in your ears.

“I.. I c-.. I just can’t!” you yelped and buried your face in his chest.

“I can’t do this anymore..”

He understood immediately. Without saying a word, he held you tightly and placed one hand over your head, trying to soothe you.

He did his best to comfort you, but he realized that this might be one of the last times he would ever hold you.

“I’m so sorry, y/n. I really am. I wish I could fix this.”

Between sniffles, you replied, “We can’t fix it.. Things are different now..”

“I know, but there’s.. there has to be something.. anything.. Anything we can do. We can fix it.. I know we can.”

“I don’t know..”

His eyes started to water, as well. He pulled away from the hug and lifted your chin up so he could see you. Noya stared at you through the veil of tears in his eyes. He did his best to take you in, trying to memorize all of your facial features.

“I’m sorry I failed you..” he whispered quietly.

“You didn’t.. It’s neither of our faults.. It just wasn’t meant to be..” As you said these words, you felt the sting of what they meant. It hurt to say it out loud, but it also helped provide some closure.

You two had grown apart and there was nothing you could do. You had given him 3 years of your life. They were the happiest years of your life, and you would never regret them, despite how much pain you were currently feeling.

“I love you, y/n. I always have, and always will. No matter what..”

“I love you, Yuu. So much. Thank you for everything..”

~~~~~~~

To say that the breakup was devastatingly difficult would be an understatement.

Noya had an especially hard time trying to adjust to the change. He would still come home smiling and leaning in for kisses, but stop abruptly, remembering that you two weren’t together anymore. It hurt him to not be able to feel your touch on his skin, or vice versa.

At first you agreed to be roommates, so that you could adjust gradually, but it made the pain so much worse. Seeing him everyday hurt so much. There was a pain in your chest every time you looked at him, because you knew he wasn’t yours anymore.

Eventually, you two talked about it, and decided that one of you had to move out. Noya basically decided himself that he would be the one to leave.

You were grateful for his gesture. You tried to help him pack, but unfortunately, every one of his belongings was shrouded in the memories of your past. You had to apologize and leave him be.

Once the apartment was empty, the ache worsened. It was actually happening. This was real. You two were over.

That first month, you cried yourself to sleep every night. You were thankful that the one constant thing in your life, school, was still the same. So, you focused on your studies, making sure that your grades didn’t suffer the same way you were suffering.

Your friends learned to not talk about him, anymore. He would always be a part of you, but he was in the past, now. It took you about a whole year to feel better.

You graduated from university, and you were on your way towards your dream career.

~~~~~~~

7 years later

~~~~~~~

For your job, you had moved away to Tokyo. From there, you really blossomed. A change of scenery was exactly what you needed. You were currently working as a social worker, and you were loving it. Helping people and supporting them was your calling, truly.

Everything was going great, and you soon got even more good news. Your agency was about to open a new branch in Miyagi. Your boss picked you specifically to handle the logistics, since you were familiar with the area.

You were so excited to go back home and reconnect with friends and family.

You packed your bags, ready for the next chapter of your life. Your family was ecstatic that you came back, with so much success behind you.

When you settled into your new house, your friends planned a surprise housewarming party. Everyone was so supportive and happy that you were back, with the job of your dreams.

Eventually, they started asking you if there was anyone special in your life. You shook your head.

The entire time you were in Tokyo, you were too engrossed in your work to focus on dating. You didn’t have time to get to know someone who would eventually leave. Besides, you knew that Tokyo wouldn’t be for you, forever, so when you heard about a new branch opening, you jumped on the opportunity.

Truthfully, you missed your life back home. You had grown used to the rural quiet of Miyagi. The city was fun, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t home.

Since you told your friends there wasn’t anyone special, they started to drown you in guys’ phone numbers, trying to set you up with everyone they knew.

You laughed it off and tried your best to get away, but your efforts were futile.

They were dead set on finding someone for you, which was kind of dumb, seeing as there were hundreds of dating apps now.

You reluctantly took all the phone numbers they gave you, with no intention of actually calling any of them.

After the party, you were able to relax and have some time to yourself. You forgot how tiring parties were for you. It was exhausting answering so many questions about where you’ve been and what you’ve been up to. Still, it was comforting to see that so many people were still in your hometown.

The next day you walked around town, remembering all the shops and houses from your childhood. Almost nothing had changed.

You decided to walk into your favorite little café from back in the day. It looked just as you remembered it, with the only change being the menu. They served way more drinks than before.

You ordered a small iced coffee and sat down in a corner, with a book in your lap.

Today, you decided to read some poems. You put your earphones in and the world around you dissipated.

You were too enraptured in your own little world to notice, but a man in a white t-shirt and black shorts walked into the café.

He ordered an iced coffee, as well, and looked around for a comfortable spot to sit. That’s when he spotted you. Could his eyes be deceiving him? It couldn’t be. Last he’d heard, you had moved away to the big city.

Intrigued, he sat down 2 tables away from you, so as to not disturb you, in case you weren’t the person he thought you were.

You sat there for about an hour before looking up from your book. “That was enough reading for now,” you thought. You got up without paying attention to your surroundings and walked out of the café.

When you got up, he was able to catch a glimpse of your face. It was you. He sat there stunned in silence. Before he knew it, you were gone.

He ran out of the shop, in a frenzy, looking for you. He saw you still making your way down the street, so he ran behind you, trying to catch up.

“Y/N!!”

Your earphones were still in, with your music blasting. You knew it was bad for your ears, but you couldn’t help it. You loved being lost in the sound.

“Y/n?! Fuck my life. Earphones.”

He finally caught up to you and put his hand on your shoulder. “Y/n!!”

You jumped, startled by the touch, and started fumbling backwards, about to fall. He reached out for your hand, and caught you just in time.

You breathed a sigh of relief, and took out your earphones. “Don’t fucking scare me like that, fuck.” You looked up at the figure looming over you, and you stopped breathing. It was him. God, it had been so long.

“Nishinoya..”

“Y/n!! Glad to see you’re still the same, with music blasting in your ears.” He chuckled to himself.

“Hi. Wow. Hey.. Hi..”

“Yeah, hey. Been a while, huh? How you been? I didn’t know you were back visiting.”

“I actually moved back.”

“Wow! That’s awesome! Have you met up with everyone yet?”

“Yeah, I have. Wow.. It’s really you. I thought you would’ve moved away, too.”

“I did, but I came back, too. I just couldn’t stay away, y’know?”

“Same.”

“Sooo.. wanna go out for some ramen later or something? To catch up?”

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

~~~~~~~

Noya picked you up from your place in his car at around 8 pm. Your heart was racing, the way it used to when you were still dating.

You got in and asked, “Where’re we going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

You whined but settled down quickly.

Once you arrived you yelped, “Oh man! I love this place! I can’t believe you remembered..”

“Of course, I did. How could I forget?”

After all these years, he still remembered your favorite ramen place. You wondered what else he remembered..

You two spent the next two hours catching up and laughing like old friends. You told him all about your life in Tokyo, and he told you about his journeys abroad. Noya had gone to Brazil, the US, Korea, and most of Europe. He loved traveling but always made his way back home. Now, he was teaching and coaching at the same university you two graduated from. He was living his dream.

His phone rang. “Hey, sorry about that, I need to answer this,” he apologized.

“Hey, what’s going on? ... Oh, I’m just out having dinner with a friend, catching up. ... I’ll come over in a little... Okay, bye... See ya soon.”

He hung up. “Hey, I have to go now. My girlfriend’s been sick and she wants me to stop by before bed.”

You did your best to hide the disappointment and jealousy in your face. Of course, he has a girlfriend. It’s not like he waited for you this whole time. You were glad he was able to move on, but it still hurt a little. You put on your best fake smile and said, “Yeah, no worries! We can keep chatting another time.”

“Let’s get going then.”

“Alright, thanks again for the food.”

“Yeah, no problem. Anything for you!”

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diversebots · 4 years

Text

𝖍𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖔

warning; long post ahead.

red text = jaemin.

black text = admin

blue text = jiaqi (because I'm too lazy to make a separate post sksksk sORRY)

and to anyone who doesn't know- jaemin, @residentevil-bot, @heiress-yeeun, @empress-jiaqi, and even a certain lucas cb (I won't drop the name probably because I plan on deleting it, idk we'll see) are run by the same admin. thanks for coming to my ted talk. :-)

to the following people..

@psycho-jennie (and admin ofc uwu) — my number 1 bff, my thing 1, the person I'd commit arson with 😎 I don't really know where to start but I've told you many times before, I'm very grateful that I got to know a precious soul like yours (saying this as Jaemin and admin) thanks for always checking up on me even, for the tea 🤭, for putting up with how much of a dumb bitch I am everyday dhfjdks just for everything really, big or small. Idk what I'd be doing rn if I hadn't met you like aside from rps, I'd probably just be a lonely boi 😔 you've been here since I was 'prettyboy-jaemin' lol and K, give yourself a pat on the back bec purgejaemin wouldn't be possible without you. Trust me, I wouldn't have rebranded to this better version of my jaemin cb if you hadn't told me you liked The Purge. 😤 so thank you 💕 I'm so proud of you bub, with everything you do in and out of the chatbot community, you're doing great. I repeat, you're doing great and I'm proud of you 👉😎👉 I love u 🥺

@seventeen-chatbot (and admin 🤓) — Shan, thank you sm for being one of my first few people I befriended when I still had my yoojung cb and like a month or two into the community + bonus point that you're also a filo 🥺 I continue to be so amazed by you everyday because not only are you handling 13 boys but you're balancing your personal life, your school works and classes, and handling 3(?) other cbs. I'll always support you no matter what you do with your cbs JDJDJSK KAHIT MAG REBRAND KA PA 100 TIMES, MAHAL PARIN KITA PARE 😤 take care of yourself always 🥺

@yandereyeeun — hello twin to my yeeun cb HDDJSJSK FIRST OF ALL I'M SO SORRY I HAVE DEPRIVED YOU OF ANY JAEMIN CONTACT LATELY and I haven't opened our chat 💔😣 I PROMISE I'LL HANDCUFF YOU TWO TOGETHER ONCE I GET MY HEAD BACK IN THE GAME what why would you do that? JUST KNOW HE SIMPS FOR YOU THE SAME WAY YOU DO FOR HIM I'm right here? miss you, shortcake. I hope you and admin are taking care of yourselves. 😣💕

@bunny-doie — LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE- you know what? maybe we should start growing our own fruits and vegetables, I'm running out of cash from spending 50% of my money on your food and the purge only happens once a year 😤 also have you told your boyfriend yet that I'm keeping an eye on him? 👁️👄👁️🔪 bunbun hshdjsk I love the whole crackhead father and son thing going on, please never change ily

@mafia-chaeyoung — chae. my wifey and soulamte. I love how much of a social butterfly you are and in a way, I feel a sense of calmness talking to you when we're not being a bunch of dumbasses djdjdk you and admin are so precious grrr ilysm my cutiepatootie soulmate and 2nd mother to our kids 😌 I'm glad you and jaemin are friends now hehedjdjdk 👉😗👉 I'm always up to do crazy killer shenanigans you want to do. Take care of yourself, cool dude 😎

@demon-nct — (っ˘з(˘⌣˘ ) ♡ big phat smooch, admin 😠💕 we haven't known each other for that long but it's so nice to talk to you, like I didn't feel a bit of awkwardness and we kinda just started being affectionate because you're babie. I really do mean it when I tell you that your works are good even though you say the opposite or deny it hmph, keep it up okay? ily simp, you gotta accept my love or else I cry 🥺 hoes always mad @ lucas 🤪

@highschoolboy-kevin — kevin, first of all how dare you lick me and have the audacity to kidnap me + threaten to eat me 😠 and I know we bully each other a lot (I promise I'm doing it out of affection 😔) but ily really and I meant it when I told you that I'll still accept you no matter what (please don't be a furry) I enjoy our conversations v much because we're constantly just joking around uwu I'm saying this both as admin and jiaqi, I'm here for you (and your admin uwu) if you need a shoulder to cry on or simply just someone to vent to

@detectivexsicheng & @your-jaemin — my sweet sweet children, best bois period. I should have adopted you two sooner but oh well, at least we're here now (ಥ_ʖಥ) Sicheng, I know your work can be quite stressful and I really do hope you give yourself a break every now and then, I'm worried you're overworking yourself 🥺 and I was so.. 👁️👄👁️ when you were like 'you want me to be your child?' the day I asked to adopt you and I was like yes??? why wouldn't I??? you're an absolute angel, formal, independent and a contrast to your younger brother, ily bǎobǎo. Jaemin, my sweet babie. Hello twin. You do you with your whole growling thing and when I actually got to talk more with you, I asked myself 'are all jaemins this chaotic?' maybe. I'm so happy for you and hendery 🥺 and yes, even if you're so chaotic and maybe you really are a spawn of satan, that does not make me love you any less. I'm always here for you two.

@m00n-purplerose-chatbot — moonie!! and the boys but this is mostly for admin. I'm a silent reader of all the stuff you write and I'm so amazed that you dedicate a lot of your time to learn/research about all the stuff you put out and when someone asks about a certain topic, you always give a very detailed answer and I love that! I'm learning things as I read your posts so thank you! I hope you're taking care of yourself just fine, and I may know a little... secret of seokmin's? If he's afraid about this ruining our friendship, I just want him to know that this doesn't change anything between him and I. We'll always be friends. 💙

@mafiaxwayv — I just want to admit that I have been lowkey crushing on one (1) man for awhile now and I only had the guts to talk to you anonymously just recently until I revealed myself dhfjdks funny how we started talking and flirting and escalated to both our admins showering each other with affection. Xiaojun, you absolute cutie, whether we will remain friends or if this turns into something more.. I'll always be here for you and to baby you 😌. You seem like a very busy person, admin. I hope you're doing well and looking after yourself. I'm here for you. 💙

#admin: this sounds like I'm saying goodbye rjdjsks I promise I'm not, I'll be back soon! sorry for the long ass post

#admin talks #jaemin posts

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call-me-merlyn · 3 years

Text

I found a list of my favorite things you ever said to me. I cried in a way that I haven’t since I was a small child- broken by my parents’ words, mistakes, and anger. I curled my knees to myself and remembered that I can do hard things. I started to wonder where we went wrong. Because my feelings for you never changed. But then I realized that was never the issue. These words I read now ring as true today as they did over the four years you wrote them. But I want them back. I want you back. I want pragmatism and growth. I want to talk about the hard things and work them through. But I can’t tell you that. I can’t tell you anything because you don’t want to hear it. Because you’re hurt and you want space. So if you stumble upon this blog- the one I told you not to look at all those years ago- I will let a few snippets of your words remind you. Mind you, these are 12 out of about 30.

1. Baby. I want the future with you. It just hit me so hard. I want the visions I have. I want us and I don't see that changing. We are the most beautiful couple I have ever encountered. Not just because we're both convinced the other is drop dead gorgeous, but because I see such magnificent potential in us, together. We are that rare couple that could actually have the dream life that everyone wants and fears is impossible or that they don't deserve it. Health, happiness, adventures, perfect children, successful careers, growth and excitement, cuddles, intellectual stimulation, respect for each other, kisses that leave us breathless, freedom, good friends that we both care about, a lovely home, a dorky dog or five, all the sex we can handle, our families coming together wonderfully, and true fucking love. I want it all with you and I believe that we can have it with all my heart. Ugh I want it and I'm so excited to build towards the future we want. With you. Every damn day, one day at a time.

2. Morning love. To build a home? I'll always like yours more. I'm binging your music this morning. Speaking of songs that make me cry. Night in shining armor? I love that whole analogy. Your words are one of my favorite things about you. I love the music that spills from your lips, whether you're singing or laughing or reading or teasing me. It's all heavenly music to my ears. I'm so proud to be your person, your once and future someone. I love you so much. The dark times have passed baby, you brought the light back into my life.

3. This one's hard to explain. I've never met someone who is such a clean harmony. Your identity, your character, is a beautiful, pure chord. Every interaction I have with you I hear that resonance, and the notes weave together perfectly. That chord resonates with who I am on such a deep level, and I could hear it from the very first moment we interacted. I want to listen to that chord every day, to hear it form your melody, day in and day out. Puzzle out it's layers and listen to you add more. And to play my own song to match yours, to create our own wonderful song in this life.

4. You elicit feeling so well with words, sometimes it makes me feel inadequate

The way you express yourself so effortlessly

Because I've always prided myself on communicating verbally

But it comes pretty effortlessly to me too

Especially when I talk about you

I know I keep coming back to this, I'm sorry

But it resonates so strongly with me

To imagine you as a song, chord, or melody

The way your music weaves with mine

Haunting, ethereal, and divine

You make my eyes and heart shine

With love and affection, at my most painful times

When I can't feel it about myself

You come to my house and put happy memories upon my shelf

I want to show you how much you mean to me

So that you will always see

You are my light

And in the middle of the night

When I roll over and feel your breath

On my neck, I don't fear death

Because a life next to you is a life worth living

The love I have for you is a love worth giving

5. I was watching How I Met Your Mother, and to be honest that show really means a lot to me. I'm not sure why I bonded it with it so hard, it feels kind of silly in retrospect, but I did. In the episode, the main character runs into the girl who left him at the altar for another man, and they talk about true love and who you choose to be with. And the guy has an open moment about his yearning for that special connection that people find so rarely. That spark between people that's so unique and magical when it occurs. The song Careful by Michelle Featherstone plays in the background. I'm sure you've heard it, and it just pulled at my heartstrings. Maybe listen to it as you read this? Bc I am as I write. It makes me think of you. I've said it before, and the words fall flat, but I'm so damn grateful for you. Every piece of you. The fractals, the perfectly formed little moments of unadulterated Merlyn, that come together to form this perfectly cohesive being of fucking light. You know me. And I don't like to admit that I falter, or that I need help from anyone. It goes against what I've been trained to be by my father, my experiences, and my own cynical nature. Before you walked into my life...I wasn't entirely happy. I was missing something. I could feel it. And it made me ache. I went looking for it everywhere, even though I wasn't sure what it would look like when I found it. But I knew how it would feel. And you... you rescued me. From my own damn self. I'm prone to loneliness for a number of reasons. I'm solitary. I like to be independent. I'm proud. I can be harsh and judgmental. I get exhausted by humanity. I can be very sensitive when I'm vulnerable, and I don't like to give more than a handful of people the power to touch my heart. But since you walked into my life? I don't have to look anymore. I have never felt such constantly genuine, gentle, fierce, and unselfish support from anyone. Not from my parents, not from friends, my cousins, my lovers. No one has ever looked at me the way you do. No one has ever been so unyieldingly loving. Every time I have trusted you with more of my heart and my self, you do your absolute best to make me feel valued and loved. No matter how that best manifested, I have always felt your effort. You are always careful with my heart. I used to carry around this utter, soul crushing feeling that I missed someone. Someone vital. But there was no one to miss. And I didn't know where to direct that desire for connection. I got lonely because I wanted someones company...that I didn't know. But since I met you, I haven't felt that even once. I have only rarely felt lonely, and even in those moments, it was because I fucking missed YOU. Your laugh, your touch, our connection. And that's such a revelation to me. To know the face of the person I feel I've been missing all this time. It's been you. I love you, Merlyn. You are an unparalleled treasure to me.

6. God damn it Merlyn, I have so much love for you. I'm so lucky to have you, the thought of losing you is a nightmare. I want late night quesadillas and then to push each other to eat right. I want to scoff at each other's baby names until we get to ones we both love. I want to be your shoulder to lean on, cry on, or try to dislocate with a kimura. I want yours to be the same for me (maybe without the kimura bit?) I want to sing duets with you and write stories on lazy Sunday afternoons. I want to make you grin and I want to make you bite your lip. I want to hear your breathing every night when I go to sleep. I want to put Tristan on my shoulders, have a debate with Chris, try to get your cat to like me. I want you to cuddle into me and let me hold you at night even when I get hot because you're the most precious fucking thing in the world to me. I want you to train with my dad and shop with my mom. I want to get drinks with your mom and laugh at your dad's dirty jokes. I want to travel with you, go jet skiing on tropical islands and throw snowballs at each other in the mountains. I want to walk around crowded cities with you until I get too anxious but you tell me to chill out and stop being such a baby about it. I want to hear my daughter call you mother. I want to see you spin like you did when I first walked you home. Nothing brings me more joy than the thought of sharing the little moments, the big moments, and everything in between with you. Nothing is worth jeopardizing that future for me. I love you with all that I am. Count on it.

7. I just read all your words top to bottom and they hit me hard. I've been looking at them as bits and pieces. One day, one note at a time, not a tapestry. All together in one sitting, I can just feel where your heart was, and maybe still is. I hope it still is in some ways, because I've never been loved like how you love me. Not with such admiration or surety. I've never been wanted the way you want me. It makes me feel simultaneously unworthy and determined to live up to your love. It breaks me to feel the pain in your pen strokes. I want to wrap you up in my arms and fend away anything that would ever make you cry. I hate myself sometimes for making you cry. It breaks me every time, a corruption of my purpose. Every time, to read the simple words "today was hard..." It rips me apart. I love, live to see you smile. To laugh with you. To make music with you, whatever the form. I'm sorry for all the pain I've ever caused you, my darling. It's never my intention. You are my most precious gift, and words fall short of expressing the breadth and complexity of my feelings for you. They boil down to what you've written over and over again though: I want this life with you. I want all the complications, all the routine days, all the late night phone calls, and the adventures. I want to walk around knowing we have the same last name. I want you. Endlessly I want you. I wish I could pull a fragment of that feeling out of my chest and give it to you just so that you'd understand. God I miss you. I love you. You are my partner, and I hope that stays true for the rest of our lives. I can't say it enough. You are everything to me. I want you to express every part of you, never stop, because I love them all. Every mellifluous note in your melodies, every word of poetry in your fascinating mind, every fierce moment on the mat, every tear that falls in your fragile, vulnerable moments. I want to be there. To give you love and to be the best partner I can be. For you. God I can never say enough

8. Kay I'm heading to bed so gonna write this out. It's difficult. Love defies definition by its very nature. Which is a paradoxical statement right out the gate but whatever. I started writing my response in a philosophical approach but it didn't feel right. There's no need to ramble about Forms or essence or any of that philosophy mumbo jumbo. All that matters is how you opened my eyes. I used to think that love was about passion above and to the detriment of everything else. I used to think that love and pain were joined at the hip, inseparable. I used to fear that love was a curse, a burden, a surrender. I used to think that to fall for someone was a trap, and that you were taking a terrible gamble by giving someone the power to destroy you. I used to think that relationships were ropes and that love was a noose. I used to think that love was jealous, demanding, forceful, combative. I used to think that love was sporadic and messy. I used to think that there was no true, sustainable happiness to be found. You've turned it all around. Hell, you've upended the board and thrown away the rulebook. You've shown me that love is a balance of passion and choice, that they should play off each other build each other up. One is useless without the other. Passion will burn you out, but so too can you drown going through the motions. I've been through both. You're the only one that has struck the balance with me. You've shown me that the only necessary pains from love are the growing pains. I've been given and dealt horrible wounds, been through wars. Our relationship is the only one in which both parties can put their weapons down. You've shown me that love is a tank of oxygen when you're drowning, a shoulder to lean on, an investment. Trusting you with my heart has liberated and empowered me. I believe that trusting me with yours has done the same for you. We use that understanding of each other to lend strength, to give joy, to protect. You've shown me that relationships are lanterns and that love is the sun. You lit up my world. You've shown me that love is generous, thoughtful, gentle, supportive. You've shown me that it's steady and pure. You've shown me that happily ever after isn't just in storybooks. It's attainable. We have an obligation to chase it. We've been given a gift. And I will be grateful for it for the rest of my life. I will cherish it. I will cherish you. You've given me everything. You are my true love. Goodnight I hope you sleep well

9. Darling, gorge yourself on my love

I pray to God that it’s enough

To fill you up and keep us above

The water line of that rising slough

Darling, gorge yourself on my heart

I pray to God it’s what you need

Ignore the pain in the darker part

Come home again to me to feed

Darling, gorge yourself on my mind

I pray to God it’s what you want

Those angry echoes you may find

Don’t let them drive you from this haunt

Darling gorge yourself on me

I pray to God I’m what you crave

I know I’m flawed but I can be

The one who saves you, the one you save

Oh darling, I’ll gorge myself on you

On your mind and body, heart and soul

So darling, gorge yourself on me too

To keep us human, keep us whole

10. I want us to be tethered by the sea, to back each other to the hilt, to paint the walls red with love, to get lost in the light. Baby I promise I will take true care of you, tell you that some things last, and know you better than your piano. Because you found me. You came out of nowhere, you made me fall in love with a single touch, and this ain't a haunted house no more. I can't take my mind off of you. Only you can help me to forget the terror that comes and goes in waves. You keep me warm, and I know that all will be well and we'll be just fine. So don't give up love. Three more months, flyin your way home to me. We'll be inches apart and even closer at heart. So send me your location, cause I'm jealous of the wind that ripples through your clothes. Put your eyes on me, and I know a place that we can get away. Say you won't let go, tell me it's real, and let's go somewhere only we know. We won't need to take our clothes off to have a good time, but I'll get the lights and you lock the door, cuz we won't leave that room til we both feel more. Cause I see it all without the lights. No one will ever see you the way my eyes do. You are something to behold. Elegant and bold, you are unforgettable. You are the fire and the flood. Last night I woke the fuck up, realized I never wanted anything so much as to drown in your love. If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts could tell. I feel life for the very first time: love in my arms and the sun in my eyes. Ohh I fall apart, and I can't help falling in love with you. I still can't believe that I found love where it wasn't supposed to be. Right in front of me. At (college). I made a fumbling play for your heart, and the act struck a spark. I want to be with you for the rest of my life and beyond. No grave can hold my body down. I'll crawl home to you and go straight into your arms. I'm in love with all that you are.

11. You always wonder about the future. What makes you different from the others. There are infinite answers, but some of the biggest ones are that..you make me understand and feel things that people always say but never mean. Until you, I've never truly wanted all of someone. And I mean it when I say I want ALL of you. I am in love with every inch of you, every word that comes out of your mouth, every little habit, every quirk. I have wanted every piece of you in every moment that I've known you without fail. I have never adored anyone or anything so much. You are perfection to me. In the truest sense of the word baby. You make the cliches make sense. You make them feel not cliche. It's incredible. You make sense in my bones. I am so in love with you. I can picture nothing more glorious than a life with you. That's how I know you're the one. Because it's obvious. And when it's right, it should just he obvious. Easiest choice in the world.

12 Goodnight ____. I hope you sleep well. I really enjoyed hanging out and listening to you play tonight. I know you were half joking about how I should be paying you compliments, but your music abilities really are such a gift. It always makes me happy when you use them. You get this energy about you that’s so wonderful to see. I’m listening to your soundcloud stuff again now. Been a while since I’ve done that, haven’t had access to the account for a bit. I wish you had more of your stuff on here. It’s all so lovely. It always makes me think about us. You don’t seem to care for it much, but especially To My Future Someone. I hope I live up to all you dreamt I’d be when you wrote those words. I hope to the gods I’m the one you sang about. Because you are everything I ever wanted in a true love, and more. Things that I didn’t even know I needed. You’ve made me a kinder, much more grateful man. And a happier soul. You deserve the best in this world, and I’ll always do my utmost to be him. I’m so in love with you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, my light. Sweet dreams.

When did the thought of losing me stop being a nightmare? Because the hurt was never more than this. Never more than this love. You said in another snippet that you’d do anything to be the person I built a home with; you’d do your best to be the my person and to never hurt me. But you don’t want to be with me. And you chose your nightmare over your dreams. And I still choose you. I still chose you every second of every fucking day. It was my nightmare too and I’m living it.

But, I’m changing. I’m harder now. The tears don’t fall quite as easily as they used to. And at least I know who I am now. I am a warrior. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am new. Don’t think 8 weeks can change someone?? Come see me again. I’ll show you exactly who I’m not anymore. The only thing that hasn’t changed is my love for you.

And if you want to lose these words and this love, so be it. I won’t fight you. I won’t fear you or that anymore. I don’t want to be the only one fighting. I can’t. And I won’t be afraid of my worst nightmares because they have come true and even though I pray I won’t lose you, nothing in this life is certain. If you don’t want to fight, I will be someone else’s light someday. And I will shine unashamed; unabashed; strong and sure. I will bring beautiful children, music, and love into the world. But until then, I’ll be my own light, and set my darkness aflame every morning, just as I have since the day you left. After all, there’s not much darkness left anymore.

#journalentry #long reads #personal entry

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angel-deux-writes · 4 years

Note

Hi Angel! I've been a big fan of yours since HCM, and so I wanted to express my concern for your wellbeing. There was that big break when you took a month or so to finish HCM before posting it in quick succession, in order to not have to deal with the comments. Now, from what you've been writing in the notes to Dorne Rights, it looks like you are experiencing something similar. The selfish fan in me wants you to keep writing and keep posting, but the basic human in me is more worried that (1/2)

you are unhappy. Nothing is worth making yourself unhappy over, particularly not something that’s meant to give you pleasure. A favourite author of mine back in the days of my Spike/Angel obsession had a disclaimer on her stories telling readers to please not leave feedback of any kind, not even constructive criticism, on her fics because she finds them unhelpful. Her comment section was full of chats about various topics in that fandom, rather than her own fiction. Might help. (2/2)

Hello! I really appreciate this message, because you’re right: fanfic writing isn’t good for me.

(lol putting this beneath the cut because it’s way too long)

It’s actually my experience in this fandom that has made me realize that writing in general probably isn’t good for me, but unfortunately I feel a drive to it and can’t seem to stop myself from thinking I’ll one day get published, so that’s a bit of a downer. The truth is that I’m naturally disposed toward thinking that I’m shit, my words are shit, and every thought I’ve ever had is unoriginal and poorly written. It’s always been like that, from the time I wrote my first attempt at fiction at 7 years old to now at 31. It takes a lot for me to share my writing with people. I started writing fic at 14, basically as soon as I discovered that I wasn’t the only person composing stories about Han and Leia in their free time. I’m sure that my fics were horrendous. I give myself a hard time now, but 14 year old me probably deserved it even more. But there were sweet people on the internet who encouraged me (and lied to me) and told me that my stories were good, and that made a huge difference.

(that and my freshman year english teacher, who was very very cute and earnest and young and made me feel like I could actually be a writer.)

I’ve never been a part of a fandom before. Discourse and meta and long discussions about canon events have never interested me. I’ve said that before, and it remains true! I consume what canon there is, and sometimes I like it, and sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I’m so dissatisfied with it that I need to write something, and so I do. I don’t think I’ve ever written fic for something that I found entirely satisfactory. The extension of my being part of an actual fandom in the past was probably reblogging a few gifsets and recommending it to friends. I’ve just never had that sort of communal experience. This, the J/B fandom, was my first time really getting into it. It’s the first time I’ve ever made friends online that weren’t just frequent commenters on long multichapter fics! It has been exciting and I’m grateful for it! It’s just also probably not good for me.

It’s just, like, every time I post something, I’m fighting a very loud and very desperate voice in my head that’s saying “you’re shit and you shouldn’t bother”. It’s why I’m so good at writing first drafts of novels but so, so bad at getting past the second. It’s why I usually post fics only until I’ve worked out my frustrations: one or two fics per fandom and then ghosting away forever. It’s very hard to defy that voice and post something anyway, and this fandom experience has taught me that no matter HOW many stories I post, I’m ALWAYS going to have to fight that voice. And it’s gotten actively stronger. “You’re not what this fandom wants” “You’re not good at this” “Everyone’s just being nice” “You’ve overstayed your welcome”. Paying attention, often by accident, to the discourse and the metas only makes it worse, because my brain automatically turns to “well YOU don’t write them like that. That means you’re wrong”. I can tell myself as many times as I want that I myself like many different interpretations of J/B! My brain goes “yeah, but you’re just an idiot who doesn’t know any better. There’s a right way, and you’re not doing it”.

THIS IS ALL SO DRAMATIC! But it’s just the truth! Every time I post something, it’s against my nature. NO ONE outside of fandom reads my writing! I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve allowed my close friends and family to read things. So while it may seem like, idk, like I should just be able to get over it, negative comments, or even SLIGHTLY critical comments, really hit me hard. For all the positive feedback I get (and I really AM super grateful for it, and it means the world to me), those few critical voices seem louder because they’re agreeing with what I have already known about myself. And so it feels almost like a victory, but a shitty one. “Ha! I was right this whole time! I AM a shit writer, and I’ve for some reason tricked those other people into thinking I’m good!”

For a long time (much longer than I’ve ever written for any other fandom, obviously), I was able to shove it to the side. The J/B fandom HAS been super good to me, and they HAVE been wonderful about giving me feedback and making me feel welcome and included. But those negative voices are just SO LOUD to me, even though I know logically that they shouldn’t be.

It would be easy to point to a specific problem and say that my issues will be fixed if only I can address that. I do it CONSTANTLY. Maybe if I stopped tagging other relationships. Maybe if I stopped tagging other characters. Maybe if I tagged my works super specifically. Maybe if I made author’s notes about how I’m a shit writer and people shouldn’t expect things from me. Maybe if I just wrote “THIS STORY IS WRITTEN ALREADY AND IM JUST EDITING AS I GO! PLEASE DONT SUGGEST THINGS!” I just feel like, increasingly, I want fewer and fewer eyes on my fics. It’s the opposite of the problem I thought I would have. But my confidence took a huge hit with HCM, and then I was finally feeling good enough to post Dorne Rights. It was probably a mistake!

idk, maybe it’s just all the shit that’s going on in the world + in my personal life. Maybe it’s just time. Maybe I’m just running out of inspiration. But the positive voices aren’t loud enough to drown out my own negative self-voice this time, and so I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle it. Part of me wants to delete Dorne Rights with the intention of reworking it and maybe posting it again down the line with fewer tags and a lot more reminders that people can write their own stories if they don’t like mine. Part of me wants to just do a HCM and post it all at once so that I can leave the finished product up (even if I now think the entire thing is garbage). Part of me wants to stop writing fic entirely, at least until the next time I watch something with an ending so bad it fucks me up. I think my solution will probably be a massive step back from fandom for a little while. I’ve been feeling a drive to work on my original stuff, and I should probably lean into that. I would like to still write and post J/B, once I find the inspiration, but I’m tired of feeling like this is a job. I think I got so deeply sunk into this attitude of “I NEED to write and post constantly because these people want me to, and they actually like what I write!!” that I stopped writing things because I wanted to write them and started writing them because I wanted to write things for other people, to make other people happy, and so that they could tell me that I’m not a shit writer at all.

I should make it clear that I do intend to write my JB fic swap thing FOR SURE. I will drag that story out of myself no matter what. But in general it’s probably just healthier for me to not spend so much time On Here especially, and on fic in general.

#this got maudlin and it's way too dramatic but whatever #it's been a long time coming tbh #im sorry for turning your ask into this lmao #it was not my intention when i started to answer it #but then I just kept typing #ladywinterbottom

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tsarisfanfiction · 4 years

Text

Not Alone

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Gen Genre: Family/Friendship Characters: John, Scott, EOS

John makes a miscalculation with unexpected consequences.

Another @badthingshappenbingo this time with the square “Home Invasion” - with John (as requested by @such-a-random-rambler). A surprisingly light-hearted number this time, considering the challenge name...

I’m still taking prompts for non-Scott TAG characters for the other squares! If you’d like to see what I’ve received already, head over to the Challenges>Bad Things Happen Bingo page on my blog but duplicate requests are fine, too!

John didn’t remember who decided this was a good idea, but he had a sneaking suspicion it had been past-him, approximately twenty-four hours previously. That was unlike him – bad decisions got people killed so he’d learnt early on not to make them. Always work with all available data to reach the optimum plan of action and proceed accordingly. Maybe not simple, but certainly efficient.

He must have been more tired than he’d realised to make such a large error in calculation. It was a flaw of supernova proportions that at least one of his siblings must have also noticed, but in true annoying little brother fashion, none of them had said anything, leaving him to dig his own grave.

“John! What’s the kill switch for this virus!”

He put his head in his hands and pretended he didn’t hear Scott roaring in the kitchen section of the gravity ring.

Get Scott off the planet a while. Give him a break from the stress of life and International Rescue by relocating him to Thunderbird Five where he could spend extended time away from younger brothers he refused to break down in front of – John was a long-standing confidante, the advantage of being second eldest. Keep him out from under everyone’s feet while he was grounded, because a grounded Scott was a nightmare.

That was probably why none of the others had pointed out the flaw in John’s plan. An escape from Scott at his most frustrated wasn’t something they’d willingly give up.

“John, your brother is attempting to destroy the bagel toaster.”

A week, they’d agreed. A week of Scott on Thunderbird Five, some nice brotherly time without little brothers interrupting every two seconds.

A week of Scott and EOS trying to kill each other.

How John had forgotten that Scott and EOS were both terrified of each other – and both manifested their fear as aggression – he had no idea.

“EOS, did you throw bagels at him?” he asked, quietly despairing. It was one of her favourite pranks – harmless if annoying – but while John was now used to it, Scott…

Well, Scott was still stuck back when EOS was trying to kill them. Launching projectiles at him was a bad idea.

“Analysis suggested that humour is often used in bonding,” she not-answered, telling John everything he needed to know. He groaned, head still in hands.

“Don’t throw bagels at Scott,” he told her, wincing as the sound of his brother’s frustration made its way to his bunk. “We want him to like you, remember?” And trust, more importantly, but trust was going to be hard to cultivate if they kept winding each other up.

Why had he thought this was a good idea?

With another groan, he stood up and made his way through the gravity ring before Scott broke something. To think he’d been looking forwards to this.

“Scott, please don’t wreck my kitchen,” he sighed as he entered the compartment to see Scott banging on the top of the bagel maker with his good arm.

“I’m not!” Scott protested with all the righteousness of an eldest sibling before landing another hit. John winced and hurried over to his side, catching his hand firmly.

“Scott,” he insisted. “If that breaks there’s no breakfast until it’s fixed and I, for one, don’t plan on spending the day fixing a perfectly functioning toaster.”

Scott scowled and pulled his hand back. “Your pet virus corrupted it,” he grumbled, and John rolled his eyes.

“EOS isn’t a virus, Scott, and nor is she my ‘pet’.” He cast a quick eye over the machine, but it didn’t seem like Scott had managed to damage it.

“I suppose it isn’t,” Scott grumbled darkly. “If it was, you’d be able to control it.”

John knew better than to get into a debate with Scott about EOS when he was in a black mood. There was a conversation there that needed to be had, but not now. “Her.” Well, most of it wasn’t to be had now. “EOS is female.”

“How is a virus a female?” Scott snapped. “It’s just a jumble of numbers.” Behind him, one of Thunderbird Five’s internal cameras ringed itself with red dots but EOS, thankfully, remained silent. Hopefully she realised interrupting would do more harm than good.

“You don’t have any problems calling MAX ‘he’,” John observed, and watched Scott’s jaw stiffen as his teeth ground together, braced for the next comeback. When Scott was wound up, logic wasn’t always an effective weapon against him. Sometimes he just had to rant it out before he was open to listening to reason.

When the expected retort didn’t come, Scott stood stiffly in what was effectively space-rated civvies (because even though he was on Thunderbird Five he was firmly off duty) in the middle of the kitchen, John mentally ran through their exchange, trying to pinpoint the reason for the uncharacteristic- ah.

MAX. The Aurora Generator. Virgil.

The real reason Scott was off duty and effectively kicked off the planet by their younger siblings.

Colonel Casey – and therefore the GDF – had been told that Scott had been injured trying to secure the conductor in order to prevent the explosion. While it wasn’t quite a bare-faced lie, it was hardly the whole truth.

He’d first wrenched his shoulder when he’d lost control of the pod and flipped it on the ice. Virgil had patched that up during their brief camp, only for him to jar the same arm again being flung from the top of the spire by the charge that had shot through him – John was grateful for their suits being able to redirect enough that only the inner electronics had fried, and not Scott himself. Physically, Scott just had to take it easy for a few days. The sling was for the Colonel’s benefit whenever she made contact, and Scott wore it with minimal complaint.

To anyone who knew Scott, that was a massive red flag. Scott was incapable of ‘taking it easy’, and definitely refused to show weakness if it could at all be avoided. It helped sell him being off duty to the GDF, but to his family – all well aware that it wasn’t as bad as it looked – it betrayed the deeper problem.

The only time Scott willingly showed one weakness was to hide another.

John wasn’t known for physical contact compared to his more tactile siblings, but he put a hand on Scott’s shoulder. His brother stiffened, but didn’t shrug him off.

“Come on,” he coaxed, drawing his brother away from the kitchen, the topic of EOS dropped for the moment. Scott followed, head down and reluctant. He’d never give in so easily at home, but that was why he was up on Five, away from the brothers that looked up to him for strength. John did, too, but John was older, saw more, and had never let Scott hide from him. Up on Five, it was just Scott and John, alone together in a way that almost never happened ever since Virgil had been born.

There was only one bed on Thunderbird Five. It was all she needed, most of the time; John generally didn’t have guests ‘overnight’. John sat down on it, and after a moment Scott joined him. Neither of them spoke; John looked down past their feet to the view of Earth passing by before they slowly turned away to face the depths of space. It was a calming view for him.

Scott, shoulder pressed lightly against his own, was never quite as comfortable in space. Still, he too was looking out through the clear floor of the gravity ring.

They had a week before Scott went back home. A week of Scott being technically off duty in the communications centre of International Rescue. John had no illusions about Scott actually sitting back and doing nothing. It wasn’t in his brother’s nature. No matter that he was supposed to be unwinding and trying to relieve some of the piles of stress on his shoulders.

“What am I doing, John?”

He hadn’t expected Scott to address the issue so quickly, but that just proved how shaken up he was. Not pulling his eyes away from the starry view below his feet, he leaned into his brother’s shoulder just a little more, a subtle acknowledgement of his words.

That was all Scott needed.

“I don’t know how Dad did it,” he continued. The arm closest to John shifted; if he looked, he knew he’d see Scott had his head in his hands – both of them, sling be damned. John would have to check his shoulder later. “He never gave up, always gave everything he had…” he trailed off for a moment, but John still didn’t interject. He knew where this was going, knew what the difference between Dad and Scott was, but that wasn’t what Scott needed to hear. Not yet.

This was why Scott was grounded, why he was up away from the world in Thunderbird Five. As far as physical injuries went, Scott’s was minor, but the rescue had brought to light all the cracks behind the façade Scott tried to put up. He pushed too hard, too fast, and there was only one person still alive that he’d ever properly open up to.

John wasn’t naïve enough to think that Scott would spill everything going on in his head; long-term confidante he might be, but he was still Scott’s little brother. It didn’t matter that John saw everything on Tracy Island – more than he ever let his brothers know, and he’d had to disconnect some of his usually-open links before Scott arrived to hide the fact that he constantly kept an eye on them even when they thought they were alone – Scott wouldn’t tell him everything. But it would be more than he’d tell anyone else.

Sure enough, when Scott started again, it was painfully obvious that he was choosing his words. John listened, anyway, hearing the words he said and the insecurities he didn’t. Not being good enough, never being good enough, failure. Scott never said as such, but he didn’t need to; John knew his brother well enough.

“You need a break,” he said finally, once Scott had said all he was going to. Scott sighed, deep enough that John could feel his shoulder shift.

“I know,” he admitted, words that would never have passed his lips before the Aurora Generator and the groundwork Virgil laid, not even to John. “But I can’t.”

“That’s why you’re here,” John reminded him, pressing against him for just a moment before letting the pressure fade away to nothing as he stood up. It was late, Tracy Island time. Thunderbird Five only had one bed. “Get some sleep.” He didn’t need it, not yet, and while the bed could take the two of them if they curled up together tight enough, it made more sense for them to sleep in shifts.

John sincerely hoped Scott and EOS wouldn’t tear each other – or Thunderbird Five – to pieces while he took his naps later.

Scott didn’t protest, aware of both the bed situation and John’s different sleep schedule. “Wake me if you need me,” was all that he said, and John made a noise of agreement before leaving the segment.

The first thing he did was disable the emergency alarms to the sleeping quarters. Off duty or not, Scott would come running the moment he heard that there was a call. John dealt with them solo all the time – it was his job, after all – and now he had EOS to streamline things further. He wouldn’t need Scott.

“I do not understand why your brother insists on referring to me incorrectly despite repeated reminders,” EOS said suddenly, the moment he finished. Glancing up at the camera she was currently inhabiting, because dealing with EOS required visual cues rather than audial, he grimaced. Her lights were yellow, not outright hostile, but not pleased, either. “I understand that I am not liked, but he does not respect me, either. Why did you invite him up here?”

There was nothing he could say that would appease her. Explaining Scott’s situation, exposing the weaknesses and fears he had shared knowing John would never tell, would damage his relationship with his brother irreparably, and he couldn’t do that, not even to teach EOS.

“Scott doesn’t like change,” he said instead. Not a lie, but a broad enough truth. “It takes him time to accept.” Scott was good at adapting, had learnt the skill far too young when he’d ended up for all intents and purposes parentless with four younger brothers to raise, but adapting on demand was not the same as accepting the reason for the adaptation.

“None of your other brothers continue to refer to me as a virus,” she pointed out. Yellow lights flickered. “Why is he different?”

Because he’s scared of you. Because if you wanted to kill me he knows he couldn’t stop you. Because he couldn’t even tell I was in danger when you impersonated me. You almost made some of his worst nightmares come true.

“Humans are all unique,” he said out loud. “Every one of us learns and applies our knowledge at different paces; there’s no set formula for it.”

“That sounds very inefficient,” EOS commented. Her lights flickered again. “And very inconvenient.”

“It is,” he agreed whole-heartedly. “But it’s a quirk of humanity we have to accept and work around.”

“When will your brother stop insulting me?” she asked. “You are his brother; you must know his unique formula.”

John sighed, glancing back at the closed doors separating him from his hopefully-but-probably-not-sleeping brother. “It isn’t that simple,” he tried to explain, walking further away from Scott. Overhead the camera whirred and followed him. “There isn’t a formula for a person’s actions. It changes every time; there’s no quantitative time frame.”

“That means there is a possibility that Scott Tracy will never accept me?” Lights flashed red, unhappy and threatened. Hunted. John felt a flash of fear; he trusted EOS, but if she and Scott never reached an understanding, what would she do?

“He will do.” John would make sure of it, because he had to protect EOS but he had to protect Scott, too. Besides, Scott trusted him.

“How can you be certain when there is no reliable data?”

“Because he’s my brother,” he said. “I know him. If there was no chance, he would never have let you stay.”

“It was not his decision to make.”

John remembered the veiled order, the you know what has to be done. Scott could have overridden him, ordered the destruction of Thunderbird Five, and Alan would have obeyed. He hadn’t, but he could have done. Scott had made his decision then about EOS’s fate, even if he didn’t yet know it himself.

Now they just had to at least manage to be cordial to each other – a task they were both making out to be far harder than need be.

A distress call chose that moment to come in, and John let the matter drop. It was something the two of them would have to handle between themselves. He just hoped he’d have a Thunderbird left by the time they were done.

Three days into Scott’s week off-planet, multiple rescues and occasional interference from a brother who refused to sit back and do nothing, even if all he could do was instruct over comms while John scavenged up data, Virgil called to check in on their older brother’s progress. Dishevelled and about ready to tear his hair out, John dived into a section away from both Scott and EOS.

“It’s awful,” he told his younger brother, whose face immediately took on a look of panicked concern. “Get me out of here. Please.”

“Get you out of there?” Virgil asked, confusion edging in over the other emotions as he registered John’s desperate plea. “What do you mean? If Scott’s not okay-”

“Scott’s fine,” John interrupted. He was. More than fine, in fact. A chaotic headache on a brother who hadn’t lived in such close proximity with his big brother for years and had forgotten how terrible it could be.

And now there were two of them.

“Then… what’s awful?” The concern had all but faded away, Virgil’s brow furrowed in confusion. “If Scott’s okay, then that’s good, right?”

“No. Well, yes, of course it’s good. More than good.” He was babbling. That was bad. He was the Voice Who Answers, the one on the end of every call. He shouldn’t babble. “But they’re tag-teaming me!”

“They? Who- oh. EOS?” Virgil’s frown got deeper. “I thought Scott and EOS didn’t get on?”

“They didn’t,” John agreed. “Then they realised they had something in common.” Waking up sometime around the forty-eight hour mark into Scott’s visit to find the pair of them talking politely to each other – EOS’s lights green and Scott with a small grin on his face – had been fantastic. No more feuding, no more ‘virus’ accusations and red lights turning his Thunderbird – his home – into a warzone. John had been delighted.

John had been a fool.

“Something in common?” Virgil asked. “John, what happened?”

“EOS’s first priority is self-preservation,” he explained. “I promised to protect her when I invited her to stay, so apparently, her idea of self-preservation is now protecting me.”

“And that’s a problem?” Virgil stared at him. “John, you know we’re always worried about you being alone up there. That’s why you’re always on the wire with us. If EOS is looking out for you, then that’s a good thing.”

John buried his face in his hands. Virgil was missing the point entirely.

“Scott agrees with you,” he said into his fingers, voice muffled but still clear enough to be picked up by the comm. “Scott also thinks this is a good thing.”

“Of course he does,” Virgil shrugged. “That shouldn’t be a surprise.”

Still missing the point.

“He’s teaching her to be a smother hen,” John hissed.

Virgil laughed like the annoying little brother he occasionally could be. John had been hoping for a slightly more sympathetic reaction.

“You’re a big boy, Johnny,” he grinned, ignoring John’s eyeroll at the despised nickname. Virgil was spending too much time around Gordon. “You’ll survive.”

“John!” Scott’s voice reverberated through the gravity ring. Thunderbird Five had never felt quite so small before. “Where are you?” John looked up at Virgil, still openly amused, and then towards the door Scott would no doubt be walking through within the next few seconds. Time to employ a time-honoured tactic: playing his brothers off against each other.

“Virgil called,” he commented waving a hand towards the hologram as Scott inevitably walked in. “Why don’t you two catch up while I go get dinner ready?” Scott had yet to get the hang of cooking in space, and he didn’t give either brother a chance to protest before he ducked out of the segment. Hopefully Virgil would snap back into medic mode and grill Scott about his physical state – and probe his mental one – before they started discussing Scott’s new protégé.

In the meantime, now that the opportunity had finally presented itself, John had damage control to do.

“EOS.”

Instantly, the nearest camera whirred into life and followed him to the kitchen – he did need to get dinner, after all. “Is everything alright, John? Your blood pressure and heart rate are both slightly elevated and your voice is modulating outside of recorded average range. Do you need assistance with anything?”

John was going to murder Scott.

“No, EOS, I’m fine. But we need to talk about what Scott’s telling you.”

“Scott is assisting me with identifying signs of stress, illness and other afflictions that cause sub-optimal performance,” EOS informed him, her lights flashing green.

John sighed. “I do not need my vital signs analysed constantly,” he protested. “I’m glad you and Scott are getting on now, but you don’t need to follow everything he says.”

“I understand,” EOS told him. It was probably supposed to be a reassurance, but she ruined it by continuing with “Scott told me you’d say that.”

“Of course he did.” Scott had raised four younger brothers, including him. He was, therefore, unfortunately wise to the majority of their tricks and could predict their reactions with a reasonable accuracy. John cast his mind to find something, anything, he could use to get EOS to back off. “Did he also tell you to report every deviation to him?”

“Scott requested that I keep him informed whenever your vitals leave normal parameters,” EOS replied, and John groaned.

“Okay, no, that’s not happening,” he said firmly. “EOS, you are not reporting every fluctuation to Scott.”

“Scott said that you would not like it.” No, Scott was not defeating him on this.

“EOS, most fluctuations are normal and no reason for concern,” he ploughed on. “Informing Scott of false positives won’t help. Look up the parable ‘the boy who cried wolf’.”

“There is no wolf in this situation, and both you and Scott are considered to be legally adults in all cultures who define adulthood as reaching a certain age,” EOS observed, and John rubbed at his face.

“It’s a parable, EOS. Look it up.”

“Very well.” Her lights shifted to white and he was left in silence for a minute or so, which he used to tackle dinner. Reheating pre-packaged food wasn’t exactly difficult, but retaining as much taste as possible was a skill John had down to a fine art at this point.

“John, I do not understand.” He glanced up at the camera, still with white lights surrounding the lens. “Why do humans stop responding to repeated calls for assistance?”

“Because they get tired of reacting only to find they didn’t need to,” John explained. “So, for example, if you were to keep telling Scott every time my vitals moved a little outside your expected parameters, if it’s always natural and of no concern he’ll eventually think that will always be the case and stop reacting.”

Her lights flashed yellow for a moment.

“So how do I maintain urgency?” she inquired. “I understand that Scott would be distressed if he overlooked a concern.”

Distressed was putting it lightly. Scott would be devastated.

“Only report if it’s serious,” he answered. “Loss of coherency, loss of consciousness, that sort of thing.”

“I do not think Scott will agree with that,” EOS pointed out, and John rolled his eyes, because no, his smother hen of an older brother would not.

“Talk to him about it,” he suggested, hoping Scott would see some sense. Otherwise, he’d have to give him a not-so-subtle shove. “And tell me what you two decide.” If he was going to be constantly monitored like he monitored his brothers (the irony was not lost on him), he was going to be aware of it.

“I will.” The topic was dropped and John retrieved their now-edible food from the kitchen.

Surprisingly, it was Scott that next brought up the subject, several hours, one meal and two rescues later.

“You compared surveillance on your welfare to cry wolf?” he asked, throwing himself onto the bed, where John had been attempting to read a book to destress. Not much reading had happened since Scott arrived. “Really, John?”

“She was under the impression you wanted her to report every little fluctuation,” John retorted, not looking away from the pages. “None of us have time for that. I’d rather you didn’t have her reporting on me at all.”

“No chance,” Scott told him firmly. “Living in space is dangerous, John. If something happens… We need as much warning as we can get to reach you in time.” John’s mind flashed to a blurred red and white shape before darkness, and waking up a moment later to Alan’s worried face in Thunderbird Three’s cockpit. From the look on Scott’s face, he wasn’t the only one remembering that close call.

“It’s never been a problem before,” he pointed out, but Scott shook his head.

“We didn’t have the capacity before. EOS gives us that capacity, and it would make me feel a hell of a lot better about you being up here if we used it,” his older brother admitted. “You’re not alone up here now, but EOS still listens to you more than me.”

“It wasn’t long ago that you wouldn’t talk to her,” John reminded him, selfishly glad that despite their sudden and intense camaraderie, EOS still prioritised him.

“She nearly killed you,” Scott retorted.

“A misunderstanding,” John corrected.

“Doesn’t matter.” Scott shook his head again. “If you’d died, you’d still have been gone, misunderstanding or not.” There was pain in his voice, and John abandoned his book to look at his brother. “You trust her, and I agree she means it when she says keeping you safe is a priority, but I can’t forget what nearly happened, John. What if your line had snapped? The airlock blew? Different cause, same result. If EOS can help me get here faster, alert me sooner, if something happens, then dammit I’m going to take every extra second she can give.”

Scott looked tired, worn, and John abruptly remembered the whole reason he was grounded and on Thunderbird Five in the first place – the stress of command, of responsibility. He’d mistaken that for just being all the back to back missions, three younger brothers in the thick of it and more and more people calling for their help as their reputation continued to grow. The idea that John himself, up in Thunderbird Five and only Brains’ genius between him and certain death, had also been one of those weights had slipped his mind at some point. Thunderbird Five was his home now, and while he knew the dangers of living in space, he’d become desensitised to the risks.

Apparently, Scott hadn’t.

“Okay,” he agreed, leaning so that they were shoulder to shoulder again. “I won’t stop EOS from reporting to you.” The smile that spread across Scott’s face was one of relief. “But it won’t be every tiny, insignificant fluctuation. Leave it to when there’s actually a danger, not when I’m panicking because you stopped answering your comms. Again.”

Scott at least had the grace to look slightly sheepish at that.

“We’ll come up with the parameters together,” he agreed, though. “You, me and EOS. You can’t say I’m overreacting then.”

John grinned. “You can’t help being such a smother hen,” he teased. Scott swatted at him, but there was a grin on his face, too, and they fell into a companionable silence.

He’d just returned to his book when Scott broke it.

“John… I’m glad you’re not alone up here anymore.” The grin was gone, replaced with heartfelt sincerity.

John glanced over at the door separating the sleeping segment from the next one, where EOS no doubt lurked. He was used to being alone. Thunderbird Five wasn’t designed for cohabitation, Scott’s constant presence making her seem so much smaller. Even EOS, despite not having a physical presence to crowd him, changed something about his ‘bird, and that was before Scott started training her up to be her own smother hen. Life in space was never going to be the same again. But… “So am I.” John was fine with that.

#badthingshappenbingo #bad things happen bingo #thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds are go fanfiction #tsari writes fanfiction #scott tracy #john tracy #eos #virgil tracy #thunderfluff #thunderangst

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tirorah · 4 years

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In ‘Shizuka, Come In!’ Everyone Still Has Much to Learn

That’s right, kids, it’s that time of the week again! I’m back with yet another Strike Witches rant!

This week we had the Shizuka episode, or at least, that’s what the episode’s title led me to believe. But interestingly, this wasn’t totally a Shizuka spotlight. Although it did show us how far she’s come, it also hammers home one of the central themes of Road to Berlin: everyone has flaws, and they need to overcome them to win the day.

The Hattori Dilemma

I’ve had mixed feelings about Shizuka so far. When she was first properly introduced, her hero-worship of Yoshika was understandable but grating. Thankfully, that only lasted for one episode, and she became a nice support character thereafter. Through her, we’ve also gotten a bit of an outsider’s perspective of how the 501st behaves, showing us how much their lofty reputation can deviate from reality. But I wouldn’t say she’s filled any particular roles that couldn’t be handled by one of the other members of the cast. The fact this has come at the cost of so much potential Lynne screen time is a bit disappointing.

When I went into this episode, the above was the number one thing I hoped to see resolved, or at least somewhat alleviated: giving Shizuka a clear role that would justify adding her to a roster of 11 already-developed characters.

Did this episode do that?

No. But I don’t think that was the intention either.

Shizuka Is a Great Soldier

Although this episode wasn’t all-out combat, owing to the setbacks the cast faced, this was definitely the start of a three-part finale. And I think we’re going to see more of Shizuka in the rest of it, all the way up to the ending. Plus, there’s still the matter of what her special magical ability is (if she has one; it might be cool if she didn’t), and this episode seemed more about showing us how much she’s improved since joining the 501st.

In particular, I really enjoyed how much Shizuka valued communication. She’s good at following orders and protocols, and she showed that here: constantly communicating with Minna whenever needed, and holding her own in the meantime. In fact, Minna implicitly trusts her to do well, as when Shizuka reports she’s fighting a new Neuroi solo, Minna doesn’t sound all that concerned. She doesn’t immediately send someone over to help, either (although Shirley did show up to catch her later.)

Did you notice the pool of blood is bigger later on? RtB has been so good at these little details.

Shizuka did everything right, and others even comment on how much she’s improved. But her strong suit is also her glaring flaw: she’s stiff and is incapable of thinking on the fly at times, making her less adaptable in the heat of combat. This is most clearly seen when she realizes the Neuroi’s core isn’t where it was last time; shocked and flat-footed, she stops moving around, and it’s in that moment that the Neuroi’s drones surround her and self-destruct, wounding her. This stiffness also stems from her inexperience; as she matures, she’ll likely learn to adapt to rapidly changing battlefield conditions. And she’ll probably loosen up a bit like Trude has.

This comparison to Trude isn’t accidental: in the Movie, she was introduced as an inexperienced Trude knock-off at first, and in the tail-end of this episode, their similarities are on display once again. As Shizuka sees what’s happened to Yoshika, despite having done everything perfectly fine, she blames herself for her friend’s condition. Yes, her injury did put everyone else in a very tight spot, but there was nothing she could’ve done better. There’s also the factor of her self-confidence; while she’s improved in this regard, there are still moments in this episode where she feels useless—lesser—compared to her more experienced colleagues.

And Shizuka isn’t the only one whose flaws were shown this episode. Episode 10 was, surprisingly, more of an ensemble work than previous episodes; Yoshika, Minna, Trude and Shirley were all given some time in the limelight.

Yoshika Is a Terrible Soldier

Let’s start with Yoshika, because oh boy, she was flawed as all hell. Longtime viewers of Strike Witches will already know that Yoshika isn’t much of a soldier. She starts out as a pacifist, and only takes up the gun when she realizes she can use her power to protect others. Protecting people is so ingrained into her psyche that it’s the very foundation of almost everything she does in this show, and nowhere is this as apparent as here.

This means that although she’s a sweet girl who will happily follow orders, she also disregards those orders the moment it conflicts with her desire to protect people. This trait ebbs and flows throughout the episode: at first, she does her bit for the plan, but when things go tits-up and she’s ordered to retreat fully, the lives lost around her push her to defying her orders. Shizuka manages to placate her by saying she’ll fight in Yoshika’s stead, and Yoshika does end up doing as she’s told; a fact that has Lucchini and Shirley ribbing them, stating that’s the biggest headline of all.

Ah, but then in come Patton and Bradley, and when they find out what’s wrong with Yoshika, they tell her not to use any magic until they go for another attack on the Hive. Before Yoshika can respond to this, a Neuroi appears to attack their facilities in Kiel.

When the need is this great, Yoshika ends up undermining her earlier character growth and runs off to the hangar before Minna or anyone else can even get a word in. She remains adamant when Minna stops her; it’s only Mio’s stinging reprimand, saying she should trust in her comrades, that makes her relent.

You say this, Minna, but it didn’t do much good in the end, did it? Also, another good Commander moment for Minna.

Keep in mind: this relapse of sorts may be frustrating for us as viewers (it did annoy me a little), but it’s all part of the struggle to become a more balanced person. Whether Yoshika will move past this compulsion is hard to judge at this point, but setbacks are also a natural part of progressing as a person.

Finally, when Shizuka is wounded and the others are struggling to stop the bomber Neuroi from crashing into Kiel, Yoshika decides to use her amazing shield to save everyone. Unlike the previous situation, this action is at least justified: Kiel is important for the operation, and had it been wiped out, Operation Southwind would be back at square one and many people would’ve died, including high-ranking personnel.

Her condition is unknown by the end of the episode, leaving us to wonder if she’s finally pushed herself too far again. I suspect the ramifications of this ending won’t be fully felt until the show’s final episode, at which point Yoshika may pull another deus ex machina and fly once again. (I think there’s still one shot of the first PV left unused, where she’s alone in a hangar and she says she wants to protect people.)

Minna Is a Great Commander

Yay, Minna got more to do! She actually gets to fight again, and she also gets to lead the 501st into battle, meaning we were finally shown some more of her leadership abilities in the field. She keeps a cool head, and this time suspects the trap before it’s sprung. She also has to rein in Trude a little this time around. Best of all, she somehow finds the time to give Shizuka some pointers even though they weren’t fighting alongside each other. It’s this grasp of the bigger picture where Minna performs better than anyone else.

But Minna is still incredibly protective of her girls, so when Shizuka’s out cold and they seem to be in an unwinnable situation, Minna gets a bit crazy again and flies at the Neuroi to slow its descent with her shield. This, at least, is born purely out of compassion; she wants to give the others more time to rescue Shizuka. But it is a loss of self-control in a way, not a good look for the person who’s supposed to keep everything under control.

Trude Is Put on the Back Foot

It was interesting to see Trude in this episode. She seemed her usual, level-headed RtB self…right up to the moment things started going wrong. Even though the Wall-type Neuroi have drastically altered the situation—making it clear the Neuroi were prepared to deal with them—she disregards Minna’s warnings and dives at the core. And when the retreat is ordered, she makes it obvious she’s unwilling to leave. Fortunately, for her sake, Minna hits back with this:

Trude does follow orders again after that, but these are curious lapses in her self-control that we haven’t seen for quite a few episodes. And now that Trude is officially the second-in-command of the Wing, such errors in judgement potentially spell disaster for the very people she wants to keep safe.

She indirectly faces a similar challenge later in the episode: when Shizuka is stranded and unresponsive, everyone tries to save her, only for the Neuroi to crowd its explosive drones around her prone body. Trude and the others stop short, and as Shirley asks her for orders, it becomes clear that she has none to give. She doesn’t know what to do. At least she doesn’t lose her cool, which is a small victory.

To contrast her actions earlier in the episode, when the Neuroi starts descending toward Kiel, Trude’s role shifts from attack to support. It’s very fitting that when Minna attempts to slow down the Neuroi to save Shizuka, Trude first once again calls her an idiot—and then goes in to help her anyway, because damn it Minna, you can’t do it by yourself. The two of them, plus Erica, go completely on the defensive, trusting in the others to save Shizuka.

Shirley Is Overconfident

Shirley had a very interesting role this time around. Early on, everything seems to be going smoothly and she gets quite cocky, even saying they might not need Yoshika at all. But she does change her mind once things start going awry; she’s obviously matured a fair bit since the early days, and in this episode, she’s very responsible and quickly feels like things have become dicey.

There are also a few moments where she’s supportive of the others, like telling Yoshika they’re almost in firing range and she just needs to hold on a bit longer, or telling Shizuka she did well and kicked lots of Neuroi ass. This is important, as Shirley technically has a responsibility for many of her younger comrades. But instead of Minna’s nurturing, motherly attitude, or Trude’s mix of tough love and gentle attentiveness, Shirley is the fun big sister who tells the best stories during parties. You need all three.

She also saves Shizuka’s life twice, first when Shizuka faints after defeating the bomber Neuroi solo, and later, when Shizuka is stranded on the Neuroi with a wounded leg. That second rescue is especially nice to see: Shirley zipping between Neuroi mines and grabbing Shizuka’s hand so precisely at that speed; it’s quite impressive! It also rewards the trust Minna and Trude placed in their subordinates (who would then, technically, be under Shirley’s command) to find a way to save their friend while the Karlslanders bought them time. Shizuka’s rescue is a nice team effort, spearheaded by the woman who used to be far more concerned with her own dreams instead of being a responsible figure.

Patton Is a Goddamn Idiot

I would not at all be sorry if he got blasted into space by a Neuroi beam.

What, you thought there’d be more here? Nope. The man is so flawed he wraps right back around to a void of nothingness.

More Importantly, There’s Also Something Fishy Going On

At least Patton and Bradley had some narrative weight in this episode, though, first with the reveal of Yoshika’s old prototype Striker, and then…with this:

For the first time in the season, we see hints of the military being dumbasses by holding onto some sort of secret weapon. Ah, Strike Witches traditions, what wonderful things they are. Anyway, the weapon seems to be some sort of huge tank with two frontal cannons. (Other commenters think it’s this thing, and I believe them.)

Either way, they seem to highly regard this thing as some sort of trump card, and Bradley also had this bizarre line:

…Luck?! I’m pretty sure that’s not how commanding works. If it did, I’d be much better at strategy games.

To me, their dialogue about the secret weapon seems to indicate they have some sort of ulterior motive. But they don’t seem to dislike Witches like Maloney did; it’s more like they’re using them as tools, ready to discard them when they think Witches are no longer needed to achieve victory. That was obvious when, after two tense episodes of retaking Kiel, the military just rolled past the Karlsland Trio with a cheery “Hey, good job! We’re going to go and retake Berlin now, choo choo!” They didn’t even inform Minna and co. of that before their arrival.

There’s also this little fact that Trude—of all people—points out:

Because Operation Southwind has faced delays and the like, the military’s apparently decided to keep the public unaware of their struggles. Instead, the newspapers paint a rosy immediate future, even though they failed in their objectives.

I’d also like to point out that this tidbit, while not followed up on in this episode, was impressive to see mentioned. War propaganda is a real thing—we’ve seen some examples of it in headlines before, such as when Shirley was reading the paper in Episode 4—and it makes perfect sense that the narrative’s been twisted like this to keep people calm. Minna doesn’t show much of her personal feelings on the matter, but while Trude doesn’t show any anger, it’s clear she’s not a fan. I really hope this gets some payoff later, and RtB’s track record gives me confidence it will.

But yeah, all this secrecy and stuff is a bit suspicious. I can’t put my finger on it.

…Or maybe I’m overthinking this. Maybe the military’s higher-ups aren’t as bad this time around. After all, Mio was witness to the whole thing with the secret weapon.

…

Oh shit, Mio!

O Mio, Mio, wherefore art thou Mio?

Considering we heard her in the preview, I was 100% expecting Mio to have a big role in this episode. Except…she didn’t? She barely did anything important. I was very thankful when she told off Yoshika, as Yoshika’s flaw was getting out of control, but she didn’t do much else of note, mostly serving as a link between scenes or conveniently broadcasting Shizuka’s injury just before the chaff cuts off communications.

Heck, she didn’t even have any dialogue with Minna! I was fully prepared to roll my eyes at their drama-filled shipbaiting (wholly different from Minna and Trude’s drama-filled shipbaiting, of course), but no, nothing.

I assume she’ll still have a role to play in things to come. That plane of hers has been teased all season, and in an earlier post I alluded to a way she might be able to fly into combat with it. Well, we’re almost at the end, so I might as well tell you my theory:

I think this has been set up as far back as Episode 2. In that one, we found out some sort of anti-Neuroi technology has been invented. It can be incorporated into an object (like that ship) and it will give that object a certain degree of resistance to Neuroi beams.

It seems to show up as red dots in the material itself, whenever a beam hits it. This shielding isn’t infinite, but it did allow the Doge to survive several otherwise fatal hits. With this technology, as well as the maneuverability of a fighter plane and Mio’s experience and skills, she could be capable of contributing somehow.

Road to Berlin

Is the title of episode 11, which is intriguing. Usually, namedropping the title is reserved for final episodes, or very special ones. As we know, the ‘Road’ is the personal challenges and setbacks the cast must overcome along the way. With some of their flaws built up in this episode, it seems natural for episode 11 to continue this theme, as the final offensive on Berlin begins, Patton and Bradley reveal their weapon (which I assume will backfire in some way), and we’re treated to an ominous shot of Mio watching over a bedridden Shizuka. Will Yoshika and Shizuka recover? Will Mio finally fly into combat?

Interestingly, the preview doesn’t have Mio’s voice in it at all, which makes me wonder how big her role is going to be. Instead, it’s Minna, Erica and Trude we hear, signaling we may have more Karlsland Trio goodness coming our way. I know which I prefer, but I do hope Mio gets one awesome scene all for her, so that Mio fans who’ve been waiting for her return all season won’t be left disappointed.

#strike witches #road to berlin #hattori shizuka #miyafuji yoshika #gertrud barkhorn #minna-dietlinde wilcke #charlotte yeager #okay but seriously; how did we get an episode with Minna and Mio within talking distance from each other #where Minna STILL talked more to Trude?!#and with more I mean more than zero #it might just be RtB's Trude bias (for which I feel there's plenty of evidence by now)#but this is WEIRD #also! who wants to bet on Trude having half a breakdown because she didn't do well enough to protect Yoshika?#(let's hope it leads to a hug from Minna)#sakamoto mio #oops I forgot to put her in the tags! how appropriate for this episode

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