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noyaspeach · 8 months

Text

first light

Summary: Could this be how every day begins?

After a long and restless night with no sleep, you go looking for something to while away the hours. As it turns out, Astarion is just as much of an insomniac as you are, and the two of you spend the early morning together.

Pairing: Astarion x Gender Neutral! Reader

Word Count: 4,334

Tags: Fluff and Light Angst, Pining, Feelings Realization (Kinda?), Second Person POV, Soft Astarion, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Insomnia, Watching the Sunrise

Author's Note:

not me returning to fic-writing over 3 years later with an astarion fic of all things. i can't even guarantee i'll write another one considering i'm about to start college again, but i would sure like to!

i was heavily inspired to write this because of the release of hozier's album. it perfectly aligned with me becoming obsessed with baldur's gate 3, and astarion is just so hozier-coded, how could i not? as the title suggests, i was inspired by the song "first light" which is the last song on the album, based on dante's ascent out of hell and his first taste of light and freedom. i imagine it's how astarion must have felt when he was no longer forced to do cazador's bidding and when he could finally experience sunlight again.

obligatory disclaimers: i haven't actually played the game yet, so this fic is informed by clips i've seen online, gif sets, the baldur's gate wiki, and other fics. if any details in this aren't chronologically sound or if anything seems a little non-compliant with the canon of the game... now you know why lol.

still, i hope you enjoy it! this is also posted to ao3! read here!

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You stare up at the ceiling of your tent, frustration rolling in your chest as you struggle to rest. Your eyes are beginning to sting with the lack of sleep, but simply closing them does nothing to help. You’ve gone through all of your belongings twice already, looking for something to ease you into slumber, but no amount of reading or alcohol seems to do the trick. It certainly doesn’t help that the weather has been oppressively humid all night, leaving you coated in a thin, sticky layer of sweat that doesn’t seem to leave you no matter how many layers you shed.

You can’t bear to lay around in the thick air of your tent, so you decide to sit out by the extinguished campfire in the hopes that it will do more to relax you.

You quietly open your tent flap and emerge into the mild morning air. It’s much cooler outside, and a light breeze tickles your arm, already doing wonders to dry your sweat. It’s still too early for daylight, so the camp is only dimly illuminated by the moonlight. With the lack of light, you listen out for the sounds of the forest around you: the chirps of insects beneath you, hooting owls in the distance, and a trickling stream not too far away. Focusing on these scarce sounds, you already feel much calmer.

After a moment of peace, you hear a rustle to your right. You whip your head toward the sound, hands ready at your weapon, when you see a familiar face emerge from the trees. You let your hands drop to your side again. It’s just Astarion. He appears to be returning to his tent, noticeably empty-handed. You wonder what he’s up to this early in the morning, and he seems to be wondering the same thing, eyeing you with an inquisitive raise of the eyebrow.

“Restless sleeper, are we?” He remarks.

“Something like that,” you reply. “Just needed some fresh air.”

You notice that Astarion is still in his sleepwear, the sleeves of his white undershirt pushed up above his elbows. “And what are you doing out?”

“Oh, you know. Searching for a midnight snack, so to speak.” He gestures to the woods behind him. “Unfortunately, there isn’t a very fine selection tonight.”

You grimace at the thought of Astarion catching an innocent woodland creature between his teeth. It’s a less-than-flattering image, one that’s informed by the memory of the boar he drained a while back, and one that you’re eager to dismiss.

“Is that all you’ve been up to?” You ask.

“Why? Were you getting lonely without me?” He teases. You can only roll your eyes in response. When he doesn’t receive a retort, Astarion sighs and continues. “Right, if you want an honest answer, I was going for a stroll to pass the time.”

You tilt your head to the side. “Wandering about on your own while everyone’s asleep isn’t a very good idea. If something happens out there, none of us will be able to save you”

“Trust me, darling, I can hold my own just fine. But I appreciate you worrying about my safety. It’s almost touching.” He smirks. “I would appreciate it even more if you would refrain from telling the others about my… routine here. I don’t exactly want the company.”

“Routine? How long have you been taking these walks?”

“Since the day I joined you all, I would say.” Astarion’s eyes move to the entrance of his own tent. “I haven’t been able to get much sleep myself, and I figure there isn’t much use laying on my bedroll if I’m not resting or satisfying… other needs. So, I walk. And occasionally feed.”

You search Astarion’s face for any sign of deception, but he’s being surprisingly truthful, if a little bashful. You resonate with his sleeplessness, being something of an insomniac yourself. Despite the immense toll your travels have taken on your body, you can’t seem to rest very easily at all, especially when you need it the most. Whether it’s the vivid memories of past battles replaying in your dreams, the smothering climate of whatever campsite you’ve picked out that night, or the relentless wriggling of the tadpole in your head, there’s always something keeping you up.

“I’m surprised I haven’t caught you earlier, then,” you say. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thank you,” says Astarion. He smiles, and it seems he means it too. “Well, seeing as neither one of us will be getting to bed anytime soon, would you care to join me?”

You cross your arms. “I thought you would have preferred to be alone.”

“Misery loves company and all. I think I can make an exception for a fellow night owl,” he drawls.

You agree to walk with him then and quietly head in the opposite direction of both tents. You’re sure to bring your weapon with you in the off chance that something—or someone—attacks the two of you. A very small part of you still garners some suspicion for Astarion himself, especially considering that night in which he tried to feed from you while you slept. Perhaps that’s another factor in your insomnia; although you let Astarion drink his fill that night, you can’t be entirely sure he won’t try it again. That he won’t succeed in creeping up on you and draining you completely.

You shiver at the thought, but pass it off as a cold chill from the wind. As the two of you slowly move from the campsite, your surroundings become even quieter. The chirping insects from before are silent now, and the nearby stream is barely a whisper. You can hardly hear either of your footsteps. It’s at once peaceful and unsettling.

After a few short minutes, you’re the first to break the silence. “What do you usually do when you’re out here?”

Astarion thinks for a moment, and hums. “Hmm. Aside from hunting, I suppose I just sit with my thoughts. There isn’t much else to do, is there?”

You nod, but somehow you don’t think being left with one’s own thoughts is particularly relaxing for anyone in your party. You can’t imagine it’s any good for Astarion, especially.

“And what do you think about?”

“So much,” he says. “Plans, mostly. Where our next destination is, where I’ll find my next meal, what I’ll do when we reach Baldur’s Gate, how to get rid of this wretched parasite…”

“Do you ever think about your past?”

Astarion’s gaze is a bit distant until you ask that. He slows his pace and turns to you, looking unusually serious. “I prefer not to.”

He leaves it at that, so you decide not to push further. You only know a little about Astarion’s life before the tadpole entered his mind. You know he’s the spawn of an even more powerful vampire, a master to whom he was a slave for nearly 200 years, and you know he’s lived in the shadows up until now. It isn’t lost on you that this entire adventure is his first taste of freedom in centuries. You understand why he would rather focus on the future. Still, your nagging curiosity makes you desperate for more information about him.

“What about you, my dear?” He returns to his more amused attitude. “What do you do in that tent of yours to pass the time until the morning comes? Don’t tell me if it’s anything naughty… Actually, do.”

You shake your head and suppress a smile as he actually almost earns a laugh from you. “Nothing like that. I normally just try to distract myself until I can hopefully fall back asleep. Read something, sort my wares, hum a tune. Anything to relax.”

“I take it that hasn’t been working for you?”

“No. Not one bit. I’m actually kind of worried it might start affecting my performance from now on. Unlike some of the elves in this team, I actually need quite a lot of rest.”

“A true shame,” he tuts. “Although it is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I don’t need to sleep for very long. On the other, I can’t sleep for very long. Sometimes I do wish I could simply let the whole day pass while I doze off. That would be much easier than just waiting it out.”

You hadn’t considered this. While the rest of your traveling companions are able to sleep through the night, Astarion has no choice but to wait for everyone to wake up around sunrise. All he can do is hope to get a few hours of rest before sitting through the unnerving silence of the night, the only unique sounds being the faint snores and mumbles that float from the other tents. You and he are alike in this struggle, but you at least are lucky enough to have a few nights when your exhaustion is bad enough to force you to bed.

“Well, taking a stroll like this is a good idea,” you finally say. “Thank you for inviting me along.”

A small smile tugs at the corner of Astarion’s lips. “Thank you for joining me. I will admit, it’s easier to pass the time with a… friend… by my side.”

Your heart swells at that word: “friend.” It’s a welcome upgrade from whatever you two might have been considered before.

A few minutes pass with the both of you chatting politely. As you walk, you make note of your surroundings to ensure that you don’t stray too far from camp or encounter any traps. This occupies your mind for a while, but Astarion seems to be running out of topics to discuss. Not wanting him to abandon your little trip just yet, you try to think of something to entertain him. Looking out at the forest and the sky in front of you, you notice that the moon has begun its descent into the trees, meaning morning is almost upon you two. This gives you an idea.

You stop and pivot to face Astarion. He stops too, surprised at your sudden pause.

“What is it?” He asks.

"Would you like to watch the sunrise with me?”

He’s taken aback only momentarily before he adopts his familiar flirtatious demeanor. “Trying to turn this into a romantic tryst, are you? If you want something more, you’ll have to be a little more direct than that.”

You shake your head. “No, I don’t mean anything by it. I want to know if you’ll sit and watch the sun come up with me. That’s all. It should be rising soon enough. It’s almost morning.”

He seems puzzled, his brows tightening and eyes scanning your face for any indication that you may be holding something back. When he doesn’t find anything, he settles back into an easy expression. “I seem to have misjudged. My apologies… Yes, I wouldn’t mind sitting with you.”

“Great.” You smile and begin to walk again. “I heard some water earlier, so I think there may be a stream near here. Maybe it’ll make for a nice spot.”

Astarion follows as you lead him closer to the sound of running water, and the two of you shortly come upon the stream. It’s a small, shallow brook that separates the woods from which you emerge and another expanse of trees on the other side. Right along the edge of the water is a line of smooth rocks big enough to sit on. It’s the perfect place to set up, you think.

The two of you find purchase on the edge of the rocks, feet just barely dangling off the side, hovering above the calmly flowing water. The rocks aren’t terribly big, so the two of you sit side-by-side, your knees close enough to touch. Across the brook, the trees begin to thin out, leaving a clear view of the horizon. You estimate that the sun will start its ascent in the next few minutes, but for now, the scene in front of you remains thinly bathed in moonlight.

In the quiet of the dawn, the moon casts its silvery glow on the world beneath it. Every blade of grass, every dewy flower, every mossy stone radiates with a hazy blue hue. The stream beneath you reflects this onto both of your faces, and you give a sideways glance to your companion next to you. You watch as the light dances across his cheeks, admiring how it shines in his curls, how it glistens in his deep red eyes, and how it collects in the space just above his lips. You inhale and the earthy scent of the forest mixes with the smell of Astarion’s perfume in your nose. As you do so, you realize now just how close in proximity you are to him. You’re close enough to trace his silhouette from the slope of his nose to his slender neck with your fingers if you so choose. You glimpse at the puncture marks just below his jaw and remember once more the night you let him drink from you. You remember the moment you awoke in terror before you realized who was crouched above you. You remember the uncertainty you felt as you gave him permission to continue, not sure whether it was a wise decision or not. You remember the sharp sting of his teeth entering your skin and the almost exhilarating dizziness that followed as he coaxed your blood out with his tongue. The rest of that moment is a blur to you, but you can still distinctly recall how he cradled your head with one hand, the other gently ghosting down your spine. For almost a full day after that night, the smell of bergamot and rosemary lingered on your neck.

“You do know staring is rude, don’t you, darling?” Astarion says. “Not that I particularly mind.” He leans back on his arms and turns to face you. “Not when it’s you.”

Your cheeks flush in spite of the cool temperature. You wonder when it was you became so vulnerable to Astarion’s flirting. Even though you have, you try not to entertain it. After all, you suspect his charming behavior is at least partly a ruse.

“Sorry,” you mutter and look back at the horizon. “It’s very pretty out. It’ll be even prettier in just a few more minutes, too. We’re in the perfect spot to watch the sun come up.”

“Is that so?” Astarion tilts his head as he continues to behold you. “You know, I’ve never watched the sunrise like this.”

You twist to look at him again, utterly shocked. “Seriously? Not once?”

He shakes his head.

“How come?”

He sighs. “I’m sure I must have before… everything. But I can’t seem to remember anything from back then. I lost most of my memories when I was brought back, save for a few of the important details. I suppose sunrises weren’t important enough to stick.” He frowns and stares out at a canopy of trees in the distance. “Then, as you know, it would have been incredibly stupid for me to be out in the light with this condition of mine. So, I never tried. I didn’t have very many opportunities to do so, in any case.”

Your brow furrows, but you don’t say anything. Instead, you let Astarion continue at his own pace.

“...I spent decades in my master’s lair, a- a dungeon, really. I was trapped in the darkness. The only time I was allowed out was when he needed fresh, new bodies, and even then it was always under the cover of night. For the longest time, that was all that I knew. In a way, it’s what I’m still used to…”

Suddenly his sleeplessness makes all the more sense to you.

“I know I’m free from that now, what with the tadpole and all, but…” He trails off. You understand.

After several beats of silence, you clear your throat.

“Once, when I was a child, I went playing in the woods with some of the other children in the village. There were maybe six of us in total? I don’t exactly remember. But we marched all the way from the market to the forest pretending we were a band of heroes. I was at the back of the line, right behind this boy that I really liked. I put myself there on purpose so that I could smile and blush as much as I wanted without him seeing me.”

“How cute,” Astarion comments with a quirked eyebrow.

“Yeah. I mean, I thought I was being clever, but it was pretty silly, wasn’t it? Anyways, when we entered the woods, we decided to split off into teams to see who could find the most ‘treasure.’ We just plucked up sticks, flowers, beetles, pinecones, that kind of stuff. I was paired with the boy I liked, and I was so giddy about it. I wanted to show him just how cool I was, so I climbed up every tree and jumped off every rock. Just hearing him laugh and clap for me was enough for me to keep going. So, I did. Before we knew it, we realized we had strayed too far from the rest of the group. We tried to call out to them but heard nothing in return. We were lost.”

You pause your story to get a brief look at Astarion. You half-expect him to be bored by this point, but you’re surprised to see that he’s giving you his full attention. He waves his hand, signaling for you to continue.

“We started playing late into the evening, so by the time we realized that we had no clue where we were, the sun had already begun to set. I remember cursing myself for wishing I could have some alone time with this boy because that wasn’t at all what I had had in mind. But, alas, that was the situation I was stuck in. When it reached midnight and we still hadn’t made our way back to the village, I started panicking. You should know that I used to be deathly afraid of the forest at night. I was terrified of what kind of creatures could be hiding, waiting to snatch me up and eat me alive.”

“Hmm, like vampires?” Astarion teases.

You smirk. “Precisely. You’ll remember, though, that I was stuck with the boy I liked. So, there was no way I could show that I was scared. I couldn’t display any sign of weakness or else he might not think I was as cool as I let off. Knowing this, I put on a brave face and silently begged the gods for some protection before I assembled a makeshift camp for the two of us. It was, admittedly, very shitty, but it did its job of giving us some shelter for the night. I told him he could sleep and that I would keep watch, and so I did. I didn’t sleep very much back then, either, now that I think about it. I guess not a lot has changed about me… But I digress. I stayed up the whole night, sitting outside our little fort, listening to him snore and talk in his sleep. I don’t think I could have left his side if I wanted to, considering how petrified I was. But I powered through the fear, for his sake. I was so young, but I cared about this boy so much that I felt I owed it to him to make sure he was safe.”

“You were quite the hero, even back then,” Astarion says gently. “Is this little story your way of telling me to be more selfless?”

“Not at all. I’m getting to the point, I promise. I sat there for hours as I waited for it to become day again. Eventually, I was able to focus on the more beautiful parts of the night: the moon, the stars, the lightning bugs, the sweet whisper of the wind through the leaves. The more I searched for the good in my situation, the less scared I became, until I was no longer scared at all. By the time dawn rolled around, I was at peace, actually. I was so proud of myself for making it through the night, I immediately woke the boy up to share the moment with him. Then, we sat together, kind of like this,” You gesture to your and Astarion’s seating position, “and just watched the sunrise in perfect silence. I had never watched the sunrise before. It was so nice, getting to quietly enjoy such a wonderful view with someone I loved.”

As you finish your story, you face Astarion once more. His gaze is soft as he listens to you speak, and the tender curl of his lips betrays a sincere gratitude for having shared this with him.

“Did anything ever happen between you and that boy?” He asks.

“Sadly, no. He eventually fell for some other girl in town. Last I heard, they had three kids together.”

“Hmm.” Astarion angles his chin away from you. “Well, that’s his loss.”

You look away, too, and smile to yourself.

Suddenly, the sky begins to transform before your eyes. The first gleams of sunlight begin to caress the horizon as the moon takes its final bow behind you. The forest, still coated with all the glimmering remnants of morning dew, stirs from its slumber under the streams of the emerging sun. As the sun slowly rises, its warm embrace spreads like honey between the trees, flooding the forest floor with rays of pink and amber. Shafts of light pierce through the lush foliage, creating scintillating patterns on the surface of the water that seem to dance at the promise of a new day. Finally, when the sun peers at you from above the treetops, it’s as if the sky erupts. A burst of brilliance envelopes the world below it in its welcoming embrace, casting everything in a blazing golden light.

You begin to say something to Astarion but stop when you see his face. He looks positively radiant. His face glows in the daylight, appearing even more magnificent than he did in the moon’s silver beams. His face and his hair are colored by the sun, making him look more alive than he ever has before. Every detail from the strands in his eyebrows to the smallest of moles is illuminated before you. You watch as his eyes glisten before softly fluttering closed. He breathes deeply, his chest slowly rising and falling, and he basks in the sunlight. He relaxes completely, letting the sun’s rays melt away any and all tension he may have been holding on to.

You want nothing more than to cup his face in your hands, then, and feel the newly imbued warmth of his skin as you press your lips to his. Instead, however, you carefully place your hand on top of his. His eyes blink open and he turns to look at you once more. You hesitate for a moment, ready to move away, but he doesn’t reject you. His eyes crinkle with appreciation and he laces your fingers together before gently stroking his thumb against the side of your hand. His skin is still a bit cold, but thanks to you, it quickly warms up.

The two of you sit there in tranquility, taking in all of the sights, sounds, and feelings of the early morning. Time seems to slow, then, as if the universe itself also wishes to savor this serene moment for just a little while longer.

Soon, you hear the distant sound of casual conversation as the others awaken for yet another day of arduous traveling. You sigh, knowing that the two of you will have to return to camp shortly and leave all of this behind. You don’t want to let go just yet.

“We should probably get back,” Astarion says first. “I wouldn’t want the others to think that I killed you and scurried off or something like that.”

“Yeah, that wouldn’t be very good for morale,” you joke. After a moment, you reluctantly untwine your fingers and push yourself up off the rocks. You extend a hand to Astarion to help him up, which he graciously accepts.

Neither of you moves at first until Astarion takes a step toward you. Standing so close to you, you wonder if he’s about to kiss you when he gingerly takes hold of your hands. He gives you that sincere smile again.

“Thank you again for this. It was… nice.” You almost can’t believe how vulnerable he seems right now, eyes staring into yours with no hint of false pretenses. “I’d like to do this again with you, if you’ll join me.”

“I would love to.”

“Wonderful,” he says. He lets go of you. “Shall we then?”

The two of you take your time walking back to the campsite, talking idly about what the next few days have in store. When you arrive, Karlach is the first to notice you.

“There you two are! We were beginning to worry.” She looks between you both and crosses her arms, narrowing her eyes mischievously. “Anything we should know about your disappearance?”

You chuckle. “Nothing that would excite you, Karlach.”

You walk past her and approach your tent. The rest of your team is already getting to work cleaning their weapons, armor, and other equipment, preparing to hunt, or strategizing together. Before you duck inside to retrieve your clothes for washing, you turn back and lock eyes with Astarion. He’s entered a conversation between Shadowheart and Gale, but he isn’t all that engaged. He shoots you a knowing look and another small smile which you return in kind.

As you wash your clothes in the river just south of the camp, you think fondly of the promise you’ve now made with Astarion and the many sunrises to come. Suddenly, insomnia doesn’t seem so bad.

#astarion #astarion bg3 #astarion baldur's gate #baldur's gate #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 fic #astarion fic #astarion x reader #astarion x tav #astarion x you #i want to give astarion so much love pls

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chaifootsteps · 5 months

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Obligatory "I know it's petty, but"... seeing your tweet replies in response to the Viv stans simply not caring about the people she's hurt COMPLETELY ratio their tweets in terms of likes makes me really happy. It's like there's finally more sanity showing its face in this whole Vivziepop topic, after YEARS of people being to afraid to even touch the topic, people are finally getting fed up and supporting these posts with the information of her abuse. "I don't know how to explain to you that you should care about other people." and ""I didn't read the screenshots because I don't care as long as I get my shitty demon show" is what I'm hearing." are great, VERY true, and much deserving of having 10x the amount of likes that the stan replies have, lol.

I don't want to make you feel weird or put you on a pedestal or anything, because it definitely took a LOT of brave people speaking up about their experiences to finally get to this point, but thank you for being so persistent and reliable in archiving this information and making sure it gets seen. You're probably the most consistent source (with the help of the others that find and send you screenshots of course) of reliable information regarding Viv's history of abuse, and as somebody who's gotten horrible vibes from her since 2016, it's so nice to finally have this many sources to reassure that I was right in feeling that way. Friends of mine that've dismissed any claims of abuse as "lying and drama-starting for clout" in the past are FINALLY realizing with all this information that's coming out, as well as the horribly childish behavior from Viv on Twitter recently, that she actually IS a bad person, and has been for a while. It's so refreshing to finally see the tides really starting to turn, and more people not letting this shitty behavior be brushed under the rug anymore.

It comes at the cost of invoking the feral rage of the crazy mob side of the fandom, but it's really, truly making a good difference in spite of their bitching, and I love that. So, thank you! Please keep staying safe, and DEFINITELY never turn off your VPN, those fandom extremists sound disturbing as fuck.

It's extremely reassuring to see how much sanity has been going around...like it's been locked up in a chest all these years and suddenly burst free! I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and it will have all been a dream.

And thanks, Anon. <3 It's deeply appreciated, although it's true, the credit goes to Vivzie's victims who put those screenshots out there first and took the full force of the Viv mob for it. And they had industry careers to worry about -- all I did was collect them from said victims, collect them from people who are better sleuthers than I'll ever be, make snarky remarks, and have my dragon fetish made fun of.

I couldn't be more proud of this motley group than I am. But yeah, the VPN is definitely staying on!

#Anonymous #nice things people say #vivziepop critical #actual blog post

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ihopesocomic · 9 months

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As a bi and nonbinary person i feel like lgbt media that doesn't make romance ina homophobic society or a coming out story is geniunely refreshing. Im really tired of the same old stories that are like that. So i really like i hopeso a lot better than mypride... Like

If you guys want homophobic or transphobic "realism" idk go watch mypride or whatever. Im geniunely tired of having to experience and having media reflect real world prejudice that has an effect on people.

So anyways ihopeso is really good in terms of being an lgbt friendly comic. I hope more stuff like yours comes out soon.

Also I don't know how they did it but they seriously wrote nothing and hover with the charisma of an obligatory heterosexual couple in every piece of media ever. Thats all ill say on all of that

Thank you! Just based on personal experience, enjoying a thing without it having to be bogged down by rampant bits of bigotry just makes it all the more enjoyable. Right from the start I wanted to make it absolutely clear that homophobia/transphobia/ableism/etc was just not a thing in this world. Not only do the readers not have to stress out about whether it's gonna happen, but look at that, the main couple also has a brief Romeo & Juliet moment. But it's because they have different cultures, and not because they're two girls who are romantic.

Since there's no "cishet default", there's no "corrupt religion", so why include something that only exists because one sector of humans decided to hide behind religion to justify oppression? Starts not making sense when you think about it.

Unless the point of someone's story is to deconstruct discrimination or just generally speaking about one's experiences, there's no reason to include it. Animals or fantasy or whatever. Your fantasy world has Off-brand Catholicism in it to justify discrimination against queer people? Then why are you boring, that's my question. It just especially doesn't make sense with animals. It's a good fuckin way to take any queer readers you have right out of the story. Most days I just put it down and never look at it again cuz I'm fuckin tired. It's 2023, queer tragedies are old hat, no one cares.

And if someone's one of those people who thinks it doesn't make sense to not include it, then you need to assess why you think this way because it's not normal. Or if you don't wanna do that, then yeah, go back and watch MP, cuz an off-putting amount of people bug us about why characters aren't ableist or homophobic. Y'all want homophobic lions, go watch MP. That's clearly what some of you want LOL And you're not gonna get MP 2.0 out of IHS, as much as people want it to be.

As for Nothing and Hover, there's a strange phenomenon in queer media where they have to include one or multiple bad sapphic tropes. Specifically where one is the "meek feminine one" and the other is the "boistrous masculine one". Essentially making them a poorly-written cishet couple. MP just has the extra bonus of Nothing being disabled and Hover being ableist. They complete each other/sarcasm.

And to go on a bit of a tangent, homophobia and ableism doesn't even make sense in the context of My Pride lol I know what they were trying to do, but in simplest terms, woman-haters don't worship women. And it just becomes even stupider when you remember that they're trying to explain "realism" in lion behaviors. - Cat

#ask

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blushedfemme · 1 hour

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do you have any tips on how to get past the hurdle of being too nervous to masturbate? i've kinda been accidentally edging (?) myself for years now because i keep looking at things that get me worked up but the most i've done is maybe rub on the outside of my panties a bit until it starts to feel a little bit good and then i get scared of how good it feels and stop. it was kinda exciting at first but now i'm tired of it and i just want to cum already :(-🥞

i was once in that exact position so i truly understand your struggle anon 🥺 i didn’t touch myself until i was 21 and i was so anxious when i first started. obligatory disclaimer i am not trained in this topic nor a sex therapist, just speaking from my own experience!

what helped me was taking my sweet time and reminding myself that my body knows what to do. (one of my fave affirmations that i use for a lot of things.)

i think it can be scary because it’s such a big intense feeling, and a natural first impulse is to make sure you can control that feeling by making it stop. one helpful reframing could be ‘i can stop, or i can pause, take a breath, and keep going.’

i also recommend looking at yourself in a mirror, get acquainted with what’s going on down there. this might sound rly basic but i had to do that to get comfortable with touching myself. when i could see what was going on it helped demystify and make it feel more normal.

everyone’s body & pleasure is different, you might be able to cum touching through your panties but in my personal experience i get too much friction that way and it ends up being uncomfy if i rub fabric on myself for too long, kinda like a rug burn feeling. not my fave lol. though hey, you might like that!!

my biggest tip is to remember that pleasure is safe and good for you. generally speaking if it feels good, it is good. again these things sound basic but i know that a lot of us don’t get that messaging from anywhere and that causes a lot of fear and guilt.

i hope this helps a bit, giving you a big hug!! 🫂💓

#clarke answers #ask a femme #🥞 anon

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nbhdsc4ss · 2 months

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I'm tired of this boom of plural trend.

Hello, I'm Dante and I'm a DID patient. I won't go into details of myself, because I think it's something really important that we need to talk about it.

DID, OSDD and UDD are a fad and I discussed this with another DID patient. We're not both american or English speakers, so I'll speak from my vision of the issue of plurality in Latin America and other Spanish-speaking spaces. Since content creators like Long Soul System, Empire System, etc. (most with evidence of being fakers) has become popular, the whole issue of neurodivergence, and plurality specifically, has had a massive boom.

DID, and the others, isn't a roleplay or romanticizable topic. As I write this, my head hurts. They're disorders that exist because the brain of a kid can't find another way to survive. You're not a “system” for wanting friends in your head and role-playing as your OC's.

Many want to live a life with a fragmented identity, when it's impossible. If you're not the host or the core, you're an alter stealing their life, you shouldn't exist and yet you want to have a life all to yourself. From experience, it's impossible, you can't have your own life without being the host or the core, because we already have a life made up.

Oh, and yeah, there's an original/core. Structural dissociation theory is just that, A THEORY. There was a first, very basic, identity, which was the one that fragmented. That's the core, the original. Switches and splits kill neurons, dissociative disorders that include alternate identities gradually kill the brain and damege it, in addition to increasing the risk of having a stroke or cerebral palsy in the process. Splitting and fragmentation doesn't happen because you were called a “faker” or because you're hyperfixated on something, it only happens when there's too much stress/panic/anxiety or, directlydirectly, another trauma.

The alters don't “arrive” with an entire created identity, much less with a role, which is the same in all alters: taking care of the body.

Before 2022, NO ONE was a “system” (which isn't even a medical term), but since the boom, everyone is now neurodivergent or plural, it wasn't even known what's was a dissociative disorder. A dissociative disorder with alters is too complex, if diagnosing it's very difficult for a professional, what will a 13 or 14 year old child do?

The terms ‘introject’ and ‘brainmade’ are useless. All alters are created by the brain, whether based on a fictional character (or real person) or not. And ‘singlet’ ... Why do you need a term to talk about someone who wasn't terribly traumatized as a kid? And sometimes it's used as a derogatory term. The term “blurry” is used to speak when you don't know who is fronting. Why do you need a term for something that is common in your supposed disorder? And it's practically obligatory when there are dissociative disorders with alters...

Fictives/factives are a real and big problem. They exist, of course, but many times attachment to the “source” is encouraged (which doesn't exist because its “source” is the brain) in something called “sourcecalls”, they're calls to alters of the same source. That's anti-recovery, in addition to delaying the progress of integration and pigeonholing the alter to just being an ‘introject’ or believing it to be the same as the real character/person.

Sub-systems are stupid. According to, there are two types: when an alter has DID as well and when a group of alters consider themselves family. First, alters consider themselves family, siblings, partners or whatever, it's anti-recovery because affection is generated between alters. The second... do they still believe that each alter has a different brain? If another alter really had DID, a lot of brain activity would be needed and, practically, the days of that body would be counted down. And, there's not enough research or scientific evidence of these sub-systems.

The alters can't have different disorders among themselves (only the behavioral type), they have the same body and brain. A container/retainer alter, is just that, contains the symptoms of certain disorders, that is, they affect them more, but it affects the rest of the alters, either to a greater or lesser extent. Alters can't die, only enter a dormant state. A part of your brain simply can't die, and if it did, it would probably cause some type of mental retardation or cerebral palsy.

HC-DID and polyfragmented DID are terms that they know nothing about. If someone has more than 10 alters, is considered polyfragmented or highly complex medically, without having more than 5000 (or even “infinity”) alters; with that amount of alters, you would be dead or in a psychiatric hospital being investigated.

“I'm medically recognized as a system” ... That doesn't mean you really are one. Factitious disorder exists, medical mistakes and confusions exist. Furthermore, even if you're recognized, the diagnosis process is too long and Things that could supplant the diagnosis must be ruled out.

Plural or trauma validation is just a bunch of shit. Why do you want to be validated for a disorder that disables every aspect of your life? Or for something that's literally a fucking trauma? Fakeclaim is also a problem but.. in a reverse way. If you're diagnosed, why is it annoying that they say you don't have a disorder? I understand that it can be frustrating because you feel like your experience is invalidated, but fragmenting yourself because of that? Impossible. And with self-diagnosed: If you really did extensive research and know that you could have a disorder, why fakeclaim gives you an anxiety attack? Is the same as above.

Simply Plural, Tupperbox and/or Plural Kit are anti-recovery and 0 disability tools. Why? 1: because it encourages the separation and attempt at independence of each alter. 2: because they aren't essential for a patient with DID. It's impossible to register the switches or to all alters, simply because an exact amount can't be affirmed or denied. I wonder if someone with a true dissociative disorder can have such organized SP/PK/TB profiles, full of information about each alter (impossible) and aesthetic. Oh, and they also use PK/TB for each of their 10-second switches so “each alter has its own life” (impossible and anti-recovery). The alters are not there so that everyone has their own life, they're tools of the defense mechanism, they must take care of the host/original, help them return to their normal life (integration therapy), not seek their own life (because it's impossible and risky for the body). “But my therapist told me that PK can help me integrate!!”, well, YOUR THERAPIST. This is only achieved when there's support and monitoring from a professional.

Have you ever met an OSDD-1A or UDD system? I don't, because the way they describe them, don't support their idea of a fantasy system, where everyone is friends. Ah, and OSDD1-A/1-B aren't even clinical terms. There are only OSDD1-B systems because there's no amnesia and great communication between alters, while in OSDD1-A this is not the case.

Alters don't have birthday. Alters have the same age as the brain and body, it doesn't matter if they say they're 4, 38 or 1000 years old. Alters only know the languages that the brain knows, not because you have a Russian alter, they will magically speak Russian. Alters are part of yourself, you don't need to break your vocal cords faking voices or accents. Alters can't be formed after some media gets popular, they get the host and, after two weeks, they go dormant. If you have an Asian alter or one from a closed culture, it doesn't mean that you're one of them too, the same with minority alters and slurs, it just doesn't work like that. Alters simply can't get along with each other, have the same tastes or ways of speaking, is DID a disorder that hides by forming similar identities between them? Yes, but they aren't alteregos or moods so that they're exactly the same as you.

Frontcalls are dangerous and anti-recovery. “Plural security/privacy” and alters are publicly listed on Internet.

Littles aren't real kids, neither physically nor mentally, they just have age regression. Why do they let their littles be frontig on the Internet? Ridiculous and dangerous for them.

All alters, magically, need pronouns, a name a hyperspecific role, picrew, presentation, profile in SP/PK and some lgbtq+ label. Giving alters so much individuality is anti-recovery. Alters can become useless over time, just a reminder.

One of the important features of dissociation is amnesia, so knowing things about another alter is impossible and fake. No trauma? Then you're not a system. Do you have a mixed origin? Still A F*CKIG TRAUMA. Alters can't fusionate or go dormant without psychological help or a lot of mental stress involved. Yes, the disorder is never the same in all patients, but all TikTok systems are a copy and paste of each other.

Non-human alters claim not to understand humans, but they use our colloquial expressions. The persecutors are not bad, yes, but when they do something horrible, they always try to justify them.

Plural responsibility exists, but not all alters should be put in the same bag as the alter responsible, and the most sensible thing is to apologize on behalf of the entire system. Plural pronouns only take away your individuality as a person, but we know that those are very complex topics for kids who are just leaving elementary school.

The “plural” spaces, the “plural” community, are b*llshit. They're anti-recovery spaces, with Pluralpedia as real or veridical resources and children whose entire personality is having DID. In which integration therapy and the original are demonized; where it's about glorifying and romanticizing the disorder. The disorder is not “I identify”, it's a painful reality.

“Syscourse”, “sysmed” aren't real or valid terms. They only exist so that fakers can make excuses for themselves.

I'm sorry if I sounded very annoying or rude at one point, but it bothers me that privileged little children dedicate themselves to falsifying something as painful, physically and mentally, as DID. Thanks for reading me and sorry, again, if some parts of my English are bad or inaccurate.

#did system #did #osdd #udd system #plural system #plurality #idk how to tag this #osdd system #endos dni

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crippleprophet · 2 years

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hiii!! i was wondering if u have any advice on getting taken seriously and getting care in an emergency department as a chronically ill/disabled person?

i've had progressive muscle weakness, fatigue, nerve issues, and pain for like five years that hasn't been properly diagnosed (been told it was fibro but. doesn't seem to fully fit that anymore. idk if anything will show up on tests but even if it doesn't i feel like the more correct diagnosis would be ME. my current gp thinks i have [seronegative] myasthenia gravis but gps can't order emgs so can't diagnose it), and recently have been having trouble breathing that seems like it's due to muscle weakness in my chest and follows the same patterns as my other muscle weakness.

my gp can't do anything to help (and referrals always get declined because the system is overwhelmed) and can only advise that i go to the hospital, been to one hospital who sent me home because my oxygen saturation was fine (even though from what i've read shortness of breath caused by muscle weakness doesn't show in oxygen saturation til it's Very Very bad, at the time i could only speak a couple syllables per breath and my peak flow was around half of what it usually is), i asked my gp what to do and he told me to try the further away hospital and explain that i haven't been able to get care at the closer one.

my mum is going to take me in a couple days (unless i really can't breath in the mean time obviously) and i'm nervous because i usually get dismissed, or they'll do a couple tests but not the ones that would actually show the conditions that i might actually have. i don't know how to advocate for myself without getting seen as overreacting, or get care for a chronic condition that has become urgent because usually if it's been happening for a while they'll say to just talk to ur gp but. my gp can't do anything.

(note: i know ur only supposed to go to the emergency room for things that are really urgent and the fact that i'm waiting a couple days might make it not urgent. my gp has said this is the best thing i can do though because there's literally no other avenue for me to get care and with my breathing the way it is i am even more restricted in what i can do than i have been before.)

oh god, i’m so sorry you’re in this position and am sending so much love to you. obligatory disclaimer that i’m not a medical professional, just Some Guy with a couple degrees, a girlfriend in medical school, and a whole lot of medical trauma.

that being said, my only advice is to lie. lie your ass off, lie like your life depends on it, most importantly lie in an informed fashion - which is easy in this case because you pretty much know what you have, you just need them to do the test you want. the doctor thinks they’re creating a clinical picture on a blank canvas and you need to give them a paint-by-numbers.

here are the factors i would consider and the narrative i would construct if i was in your position, but it’s your body, your experiences, and your care (or lack thereof), so all of this is just my opinion and your mileage absolutely may vary:

most importantly, make sure anyone with you in the ER is on the same page. a lot of doctors assume patients are lying by default because they suck, so if somebody contradicts you, you’re probably screwed. when my gf takes me to a doctor’s appointment, we have a “what are we lying to them about” meeting ahead of time. you know your mum best, so you probably know what approaches she would/wouldn’t be on board with, but i’d initiate that conversation like “i’m concerned this hospital might dismiss me like the other one did, so i’m planning to say XYZ to hopefully get them to take me more seriously” and not “Some Guy on tumblr told me to lie my ass off” lol

next, make your symptoms match the textbook. downside to this, i definitely recommend not bringing up ME/CFS because they can’t/won’t test for or treat it (i have a friend in the UK who almost certainly has ME/CFS and just got sent to even more physical therapy). here’s where it helps that your GP is pretty sure they know what you’ve got (whether you actually have that or not): research myasthenia gravis (i recommend continuing education sites geared towards clinicians), know what’s on that list, and (with some exceptions) say you have those symptoms. my personal strategy is three-tiered:

lies of creation: unless it’s something immediately life-threatening or something they can concretely disprove, say you have symptoms of your disease even if you don’t. ER doctors don’t give a shit if they can say you need to wait it out and go to a specialist, regardless of that being unrealistic and your symptoms being unlivable, so you need something urgent and serious. (my gf says “they might be worried if you’re having trouble swallowing. maybe.”) myasthenia gravis typically waxes and wanes, so even if you’re able to do something when they examine you, it would be totally realistic for you to not have been able to a couple of hours ago (eg, when you arrived to the ER). for example, i told the NHS i totally had a positive MRI in the US that i was having delays getting access to the records of, even though my MRI didn’t show a speck of inflammation, because at least that got me a couple months of flare medication while they confirmed and an NSAID when they decided i was in remission rather than literally nothing. obviously you can’t tell them you’re seropositive because they’ve unfortunately got that record, which means you’re already fighting an uphill battle, which leads to my favorite sub-category lie of creation: anything you’ve read or believe or know that works in your favor, your GP told you. memorize what percent of people with myasthenia gravis are seronegative - don’t lead with that, because doctors hate when people are educated about our conditions or know what’s wrong with us, but if they say “we won’t do an EMG because you can’t have myasthenia gravis because of your bloodwork,” then you can be like, “my GP said that’s pretty common, like, about X% of people don’t show up on the test, and they’re really convinced i have this.”

lies of exaggeration: increase frequency of symptoms, impact on your activities of daily living, rank on a scale. familiarize yourself with what the numbers on the pain scale generally mean in terms of ability, and elaborate - “my pain is at an 8, it’s really hard to XYZ.”

lies of omission: this ER doctor was an asshole and still would’ve fucked me over regardless, but the instant i said “yes” when he asked if i experienced acid reflux, he stopped listening to a single word i said. i was experiencing acid reflux, and i knew that symptom happened with IBD, celiac, and a host of other serious conditions, but he instantly decided that was all that was going on with me, tried to send me home with just an antacid during the worst pain of my life, and led to me experiencing malnutrition and all my hair falling out due to the severe delays in accessing care. my recommendation for “instant dismissal” (or worse, “instant institutionalization”) symptoms to omit are: acid reflux; menstrual cramps or really anything related to menstruation; anything they could dismiss as covid - if they try to dismiss your breathing issues as covid, say you’ve tested negative this week even if you haven’t had a test. if you’ve had covid and you’re certain it’s not in your chart (assume it’s in your chart if you’ve ever said it to a doctor), say you’ve never had covid. if they still try to say it’s covid, stress that this has been going on for years before covid; anything psychiatric.

so, what i would do:

“i have X, Y, and Z symptoms. my GP thinks i have myasthenia gravis and is working on referring me, and said to go to A&E if A, B, or C got worse. A, B, and C have [measurably gotten significantly worse since the last time you went to A&E] - i’m having trouble breathing, swallowing, and [other].” hope that they decide to do an EMG on their own.

if they try to send you home or try to do useless tests, say “my GP mentioned that i really need an EMG in order to get the treatment that would help me be able to breathe, swallow, [other]. will this test also do that?” (one of the instances where you strategically ‘play dumb’ because doctors hate when we know things)

if they still won’t do anything helpful, either you or your mum say: “i’ve/they’ve had these symptoms for five years and it’s never been remotely this bad. i/they seriously can’t breathe, swallow, [other] - how do we manage these symptoms before we can get to a specialist?” i’m white and, having been super professional/polite until then, this is the point where i start crying; you know your circumstances best and whether that will incur racism, etc, upon you from the medical system.

if they still want to send you home, i (again, being white) would at that point firmly request a second opinion. they still might send you home with nothing; i did all of this shit and received 50 pills of 50mg tramadol in addition to the antacid, and probably an angry note in my file, and not a millisecond of further testing.

i say this with love and from experience, in the interest of minimizing trauma and devastation: you need, to the best of your ability, to go to the emergency department with the expectation of receiving no care. i recommend a buddy, a reminder, and a reward: message a bitter crip or someone else who Gets It throughout the process and have support in place for if/when you get home with new medical neglect and trauma; remind yourself that your symptoms are real and serious and, in my gf’s words, “if your GP thinks you have myasthenia gravis, you almost definitely have something neuromuscular going on.” i like to make posters of my reminders (example here: link); do something that will make you feel better afterwards - my go-to is buying a new stuffed animal after experiencing medical trauma. i have a lot of them lol

for more advice on coping with medical neglect before and after appointments/visits, see my post here (link). if you don’t know anyone who’ll understand or be available and helpful to support you during your trip to A&E, feel free to dm me and i’d be happy to give you my WhatsApp. i wish you so much luck and you’ll be in my thoughts, i really hope it goes as well as possible - you deserve quality, compassionate, thorough care. if you’re comfortable with doing so and feeling up for it i’d really value an update afterwards 💓💓💓

#doctor hate blog ✌️🖤#faq #hospital talk #asks

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deafeninggardenerpanda · 7 months

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Here are 3 different suggestions

Metalor

Metasusie

Metadedede.

I know sort of obvious choices, but I'm curious to see what opinions you have on these ships.

did metadede so its time for metalor and metasusie! putting both of these under the cut because youre getting my double opinion whammy. obligatory "its not every shipper obviously im just generalizing based on personal experience" dont let my opinions stop you from shipping something unless its like problematic obvs lol

theres nothing wrong with metalor but it unfortunately does fall into my "red flag ship" category

ill reiterate my definition of that again for people who didnt catch it in my last rant: what i call red flag ships are ships that are totally fine on paper, but for some reason the shippers and fandom culture surrounding it are just rancid and it throws me off liking the ship all together. and then i get kinda sussed out by people who ship it

honestly i have never gotten the appeal of this one or understood the dynamic at all. and thats fine of course. i did try reading a couple fics about it even, and in them its usually like. meta doing some shit that makes absolutely no sense under the guise of "he has a good reason for it" that just Coincidently happens to land him and magolor into some relationship-implying situation. and also the "good reason" meta knight had for doing whatever was not a good reason and was in fact a huge stretch of a reason for sake of moving the relationship along quicker. which you know i dont shame at all, i get that sometimes you just want to get to the juicy shit and people are absolutely allowed to do that, but that really just sums up my feelings on the ship entirely lol. stretches and stretches of reasonings for them to get together that dont entirely, or sometimes even remotely, make sense but okay they end up together in the end somehow 🤷

the fact that the ship is the two most popular and thirsted over men in the series together is the reason why this one lands into red-flag territory im so sorry. it attracts some um. interesting people who end up being somewhat pretentious about their own interpretations on the characters and some people get a little scary or intense about it. also of course occasionally their relationship being boiled down to whoever ships them nonstop thirsting for both of them but thats like just fandom culture for you, i really cant judge. people do that with metadede too to be fair. also a lot of metalor shippers ive seen are just downright mean for some reason. anyone else notice that or have i just been running into bad people

as people might be able to tell by how fairly neutral about it i seem, this one is yeah one of the less red flag-y of what i consider red flag ships. its totally fine. i personally really dont like the ship but its only like 60-70% of the shippers who i squint at compared to the Abysmal rates of other red flag ships. speaking of, by the way...............

ah the fandoms problem child. its metasusie

i Do think its possible to ship this one in a healthy manner. actually even in a not healthy matter as long as youre explicit about it being not healthy and its just one of those ships you find interesting due to the drama. ive read metasusie fics where it was explicitly about how fucked up the relationship can be and theyre very very fascinating from a story and character perspective if you want to explore a tragically evil but still nuanced susie. i would say highly recommend, but i dont actually because a lot of them just lean into weird unnecessary torture porn. its somewhat of a fine line between tasteful and untasteful

ANYWAYS brief tangent aside, i think its possible to ship this one in a healthy manner because you know me i would be a hypocrite to bash an enemies to lovers ship, but it obviously relies on susie needing to recognize her faults and make up to meta knight in some way, plus improve as a person in general. its somewhat of a grey area depending on various factors, both game and real life perspective-wise, how redeemable one considers the whole mechanization and dehumanization though so i dont blame people who absolutely dont trust the ship

speaking of lets get into the way this one is Definitely the reddest of the red flag ships ever. metasusie shippers what are you doing oh my god

the. the. the the when you the when you woobify susie. i do not use that word lightly in regards to susie in particular because of how often its misused by people who hate her just to mean "im mad that people are making cute friendly content of a character i dont like". no im using it in the actual proper way as in why in the world do i go around and see some metasusie shippers saying "people who hate metasusie are so stupid, susie literally never hurt meta knight in canon!!!" i shit you NOT that is a legit take ive seen a Lot of people have nearly word for fucking word and its like. what are you ON did we even play the same game?? did you even play the game at all??? are you as white and dense as a sack of flour and thats why it went over your head?????

people will try to make the excuse that they have headcanon or interpretation differences that lighten the whole endeavor, which yeah that fair. you can imagine mecha knight was just some suit they put over him rather than anything invasive like a lot of people think. thats absolutely fair. you can imagine that meta knight still retains parts of his super star personality where he was kinda okay with the mechanization in some twisted personal ambition way because hes a power hungry guy who will take any means necessary to be stronger. thats also pretty fair. ah you think this is sounding favorable to the metasusie shippers huh. WRONG. WRONG. YOU CAN THINK ALL OF THIS BUT NONE OF THIS EXCUSES THAT THE WHOLE MECHANIZATION WAS STILL WRONG NO MATTER HOW YOU TWIST IT. tfw mecha knights theme is called "inner struggle" definitely implying that he did Not like being mechanized and was trying to fight against it. tfw the elephant in the room being mechanization is of course a metaphor for colonization which is not a good thing to do to someone regardless whether or not they seem cool with it. tfw THE DEHUMANIZATION. TFW METASUSIE SHIPPERS GO HEEHOO HEEHOO CUTE SHIP AND POLE VAULT OVER THE DEHUMANIZATION. HI.

regardless whether or not you have interpretation or headcanon differences, you Cannot ignore the fact that the game does not exist in a vacuum and its themes are undoubtedly tied to real life parallels. in ignoring those parallels or sidestepping them when theyre so blatant and in your face Yes you kinda are being a huge asshole. susie calling mecha knight an It and being like heres our newest product :) while also having the dissonance of being like hes such a cool strong handsome knight is supposed to directly refer to how colonizers will fetishize the people they colonize while fucking over them and their home because they only like them as a surface level Idea rather than actually respecting their culture and them as fellow human beings right im not just being insane making all this up??? huh???? ive gotten away from my original point i feel but tldr IF YOU PRETEND LIKE SUSIE NEVER HURT OR DID ANYTHING TO META KNIGHT I WILL THROW YOU INTO A GRAIN SILO. NO!!!

anyways if you have susie getting a redemption arc yes youre so cool. if you have them getting together okay thats cool. if you draw susie/mecha knight art and act like its cute im throwing you into the grain silo too. if you dont have susie properly redeeming herself and ship her with meta knight even though shes still weird about him and still colonizing people then i dont trust you and thats the category most metasusie shippers fall in

i also want to bring up the people ship it out of spite, because theres been a big spite-shipping metasusie resurgence in the past year thanks to weird stalking drama sparked by a very certain someone people might remember. yall need to realize that going harder on something that understandably makes people uncomfortable and trying to push back by pretending the ship is (by default) more harmless than it is and pretending that everyone who dislikes it is automatically being unreasonable just because Some people are yikes to metasusie shippers is Not the play to take. it just makes you look like an inconsiderate asshole. two people being assholes to each other does not cancel out it just makes an even bigger fire. get some critical thinking skills yeah

its not the fault of anyone who wants to make cute metasusie content that susie is very explicitly a colonizer and a lot of people have strong feelings about that, bbbbbbbbut i hope it came across in this whole tangent that if you try lessening the blow of her actions against meta knight people have full right to hate your guts imo

EDIT: extremely last minute edit but i just straight up forgot that people who arent lgbtq+ exist in this fandom and thus didnt mention it: can we bring up the amount of homophobes who love this ship purely because its strong cool masculine man x cute pink feminine girl. does anyone remember that one guy who was big on metasusie and had "christian" in his bio and also had "will not do lgbt+" in his commission sheet or is that just me. its so fucking funny. it makes me cry laugh whenever i think about it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

#asks #anonymous #dgp askgame #ask to tag

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mynonclicheblog · 1 year

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(obligatory disclaimer that I haven't read the books yet, so I'm only speaking for the netflix version of this👇)

(ALSO spoiler warning if you haven't finished season 1)

Until my latest rewatch it never really hit me before that Joplin wasn't this innately villainous person who had some grand, evil plan as soon as we met her. Her villain arc only happened because she was corrupted by the bone glass, same as George, but it caught up to her a lot faster & to way more of an extreme. The call of the mirror created a link between them via their shared experience with it, which started to influence their actions. I think this otherworldly "connection" contributed a lot to the creepy pedø-ish behavior from Pam towards the end, in addition to the fact that I feel it might've been allegorical for the idea that she WAS still "grooming" him in some sense of the word.

I'm not by any means a Joplin apologist but this reframed the way I view that storyline, and it's more grounded/inline with everything else to me than just going "ugh what is up with this evil pedø lady", which is definitely where I was at the first time I watched the show 😂😂 and like... lol I still feel that way too but I'm relieved to have a more complex reading of it now.

Anyway this is probably old news for most of you but I just needed to get it out of my head 😂 thank you

#lockwood and co #l&co spoilers #l&co netflix #pamela joplin #george karim #tw grooming

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astral-actias · 2 years

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Thinking about the post on if otherheartedness is actually as intense as otherkinity, and I'm gonna go ahead and say it: it's not, at least not for me (YMMV but I can only speak for myself so that's what this post is about). It's not invalid, not by any means, but also, if you've been here for more than a minute, you know I don't give a shit about ranking things from valid<—>invalid either, so that's not saying much.

It's still a real experience. I have two hearttypes, and I feel like they're close to what I am. I see some of what I am in them. But they aren't me, they're like cousin identities. In fact the way I sorted out exactly what kind of robot I am is that the original series Mega Man robots were close but not quite right, and then I compared them to the reploids from the Mega Man X series, and everything clicked very neatly. The intensity and feeling of looking into a mirror and going, "aha! That's me!" just does not exist for other kinds of robots, even though some are more or less close. When I looked around at other categories, I readily found out which one was Really Me because the intensity of the feeling was unmistakable.

Same for moths, though luna moths are sufficiently close enough that I even have a tattoo of one and as much merch as there exists. (Which isn't much.) The wings are right and they're a strong personal symbol even if they aren't me...but even being a fantastic proxy, they still aren't quite as strong as the exact kind of fae that I am.

It's just not the same. And describing otherheartedness as a feeling that you "should have been" seems ridiculously contrary to me, as a strong sign that you are a thing is feeling very much that you should, actually, be that thing. Nobody goes up to me and says 'hey, if you feel like you should have been male, that means you aren't, you're actually just a male-hearted girl, which is totally equivalent to being a trans man, it's just different!' (And if they did, I'd probably have to hit them in the teeth.) Of you swap the identity language even just a little, we can easily recognize that that's a pants-on-head stupid thing to tell someone. That disconnect between what you are and what you feel you should be is dysphoria, which I'd hope plenty of nonhumans would be familiar with the concept of species dysphoria. And yet!

Not that otherheartedness isn't a useful and important concept, because it is, but it's also just not 'equal to' actually being nonhuman. If that idea pisses you off and you feel that something vital is being taken away from your identity be that definition, then consider that you may, in fact, just straight up be nonhuman, and the 'heartedness is not what you thought it was. The distinctions between "I am" and "I relate" and "I feel like" and "I was" and "I should have been" are sufficiently murky and sufficiently none of anyone else's business that you can just say you're whatever it is, no big deal.

Also, obligatory reminder that being otherkin is a small little corner of the kinds of ways you can be nonhuman, and you don't even need to follow "the rules" if they don't fit you. You can always just be what you are even if some muckety-muck gatekeeper doesn't put their personal stamp of approval on it.

#otherkin #nonhuman #kin #fictionkin #therian #alterhuman #otherhearted #fictionhearted

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novelmachine · 4 months

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Well, 2023 was a fucked up year for me. Several losses, near-losses, and health scares for both myself and loved ones. I'm in the worst shape of my life. Tragedy after tragedy with no end in sight, both personal and on a grander scale. There is so much suffering in the world and while doing all I can I feel like it's never enough. There are many dark moments where I feel trapped in this existence.

All this to say: I can confidently admit that 28 was not my year. Still, I don't want to be a downer when there's life still left to be lived. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. And I fucking hate crying. In keeping with tradition, I will shout into the void and speak on my birthday about the positives. This year, I'm reflecting on what went right last year:

I got into audio books. Started using the Libby app. [Insert obligatory "support your local libraries!!" sentiment here.] Over the course of the year I read 31 books. I started quite a few more than that, but I only count the ones I mostly finished. It's been nice getting back into books and discovering new stories.

The Barbie Movie happened. It was not only an event, but an experience. Watching women collectively find joy in a fun comedy, wearing pink, and saying "Hi Barbie!" to everyone walking by was surreal. I'm glad I could be in that moment.

I relocated within the company I work for. I am less isolated from the main hub and closer to home. The office doesn't have windows, but I've posted a ton of photos on the walls. The SAD lamp doesn't hurt either.

I took steps to live healthier. When it's too dark or gloomy to go outside for a walk, I have a little stepper machine that is a great workout. I've made efforts to improve what I put into my body. I've cut back on alcohol. I've set up appointments with doctors and dentists.

I published some of my writing. There was a Portal drabble and the first chapter of a YV/Fear Street crossover fic posted to my AO3 last year. That doesn't seem like a lot, but it's a big deal for me given the state of things. I've been brainstorming and planning and writing more than I have in a long time. It feels good.

Here's to 29. Let's make it a great year!

#birthday #happy birthday to me #hannah speaks

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reides · 1 year

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for reidesypoo as well :D — 14, 15, 22, 32, 47!

FINALLY DOING PT 2 OF BREE'S EPIQUE QUESTIONS thank you my fwend ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

💌 sixty-nine questions for your ttrpg characters!

14. what keeps them up at night? right now he's extremely nervous about fucking up his status as his homeland's ambassador. it's been his dream to thrive in this role for a long, long time - even when it was just a like... long-shot silly fantasy. if he does a bad job at it, he's worried it'll ruin all the positive developments he's had with his family as of late (especially regarding his father lmfao), or that it'll endanger his home (WHICH HE LOVES!!!!! he looooves laverathia so much).

LIKE. reides is a confident person most of the time but he's made a lot of big choices lately. he was at a crossroads and he made a choice to start walking down a specific path. and it's the path he WANTS to take! more than anything!!! but now he's dealing with the responsibilities that come along with it. he was previously the type to run from his responsibilities as quickly as he possibly could so you know. big changes. big challenges. ;LDFKDLKG it's the most serious he's ever been about anything and he's gonna do his BEST but he's genuinely not sure he has it in him. lots and lots of fears circling around him rn!!! sleepless nights aside, he will meet them head-on >:)

15. is there something that never fails to make them laugh? as cheesy as it is, he loves aske's silly stories a lot. because......... he loves aske. 😳 LDKGDLGK otherwise i think he gets super, super happy every time he learns a new spell - especially when he manages to teach himself one. as a teenager his process of trial and error was a lot more funny, since his experiments would have some wacky little results, but he still has those bursts of joy whenever he succeeds at casting something new!

22. how would they decorate their living space, if they had a chance? he would probably opt to have it on land for convenience's sake, but having some sort of indoor pool for a water portion of it would be ideal for sure, since there's some stuff he'd likely want from laverathia which wouldn't be too well-suited to the surface world! and he would also definitely like to be close to the sea, too - so maybe the inside of this water zone has some sort of connection to the sea...? a sea pool? idk. technicalities. but that would be The Dream. a shrine to persana in that pool would also be ideal since reides is very faithful to him. ;^; that's his GOD!!!

but layout aside, the room would resemble a big study with tons of books and bottles of ink and various writing utensils!!! and it'd be decorated with a whole lot of whimsy!! lots of colourful furniture and paintings that make reides happy, prob with a bit of a nautical theme... and there'd be a lot of random objects (TREASURES!!!) that he picked up along the course of his adventures. along with a huge bed. huge beds are one of reides' weaknesses i'm ngl. it's the princely background showing. LMFAO

32. which of your decisions led to their voice being the way it is? i don't really put on a specific voice for reides - at most it's just like, a tone to accomodate his mannerisms - but in terms of how i speak as him... honestly it just comes to me with how i characterize him!!! i knew i wanted him to be kinda ditzy from the get-go, and i wanted him to say fun things very often (he definitely has no qualms with speaking his mind LOL)... so he generally has a cheerful, casual quality to how he speaks. and when he's angry, i want that anger to surge and crash!!! much like a storm. he's very emotional as a character so it's fun when i get to show off his volatileness. there's also usually a bit of a mischievous edge to him that i really love portraying hehe.

47. what could they talk about for hours on end? there's the obligatory wizard answer here (his magic), which is absolutely true, but on a more personal level? his home!!! laverathia!!! he never really gets the chance to talk about it (it's. you know. secret. for the most part. like most of the ppl up on the surface have no idea it exists sooo you know it's just not something he gets to talk about often. and he doesn't want to jeopardize its safety so he's not about to go off about it unprompted LMAO) but if anyone he trusts were to ask him about laverathian stuff he'd literally go on and on and on. it's crazy because he would deflect so much about it in the past but now that he's reconnected with it, he's just full of love for it. he will tell you all about the shipwrecks he explored and all about the stuff his fellow tritons craft and all about persana and all about EVERYTHING!!!!

#sangre #replies #reides #THANK U AGAIN BWEE!!!!!!!

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finelineborderline · 2 years

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Hi! I uhm have not yet been diagnosed but I’m pretty confident that bpd is the answer to it all as shitty as that is. I’m almost more afraid for it to not be bpd cause nothing has ever made this much sense. But I’m really scared. And you’re in no way obligated to read this or respond but I don’t know. Just, do you have any advice for someone just now realizing and getting diagnosed with bpd?

hello, anon! first, i apologize ahead of time for how long this will be, but there's a lot i want to say. obligatory disclaimer that i am not a professional nor am i a qualified doctor to diagnose anyone, and these thoughts are mine and mine alone and do not constitute a professional's medical opinion/advice. all i can do here is speak my truth and explain my experiences with BPD in hopes that you and maybe others find it helpful.

second, at least with BPD, if you think you have it (i.e. you know you fit 5 or more of the 9 current diagnostic criteria), while of course obtaining a professional diagnosis is great, in this case, it's my personal belief that if you think you have BPD, there's a large chance you do have it. of course there will always be outliers, but for most people, pretending to have BPD or forcing a diagnosis just doesn't make sense. BPD is not something that makes people quirky and it makes life more difficult, not just from a personal standpoint as the person who has it, but the resulting reaction from friends, family, and even strangers you don't know and never will who have something to say on the internet. i don't know many people who'd lie about that and be okay with the negative stigma that persists around those diagnosed with BPD.

most (if not all) people with BPD don't want to have it, but understand they fit the criteria. with certain other mental illnesses and ailments, getting a professional to diagnose them is of course better than self-diagnosing, but i had self-diagnosed with BPD for years before i ever ended up in a psychiatric ward because i 5150'd myself and got professionally diagnosed with BPD. i had quite a strong hunch i had BPD years before a professional came to the same conclusion - but not in a "oh my god yay i'm so glad i have this horribly debilitating illness, woo!" more in a "holy fuck this all makes so much sense, and i wish it didn't, but i know myself, and i know that this is what i have". and getting the professional diagnosis was great in the sense of getting that final confirmation, but even without it, i'd have still considered myself as someone struggling with BPD.

it's okay to be scared. i think i'd be scared of you if you weren't scared - i was downright terrified when i figured out that what i'd been feeling, dealing with, doing, could be attributed to BPD. i hated it, wished it was something else, but the more i read, the more i watched, the more i took notes, the more i realized that BPD was the answer to a question i wish i didn't have to ask in the first place.

before i was diagnosed, i took notes as if i was in a class about BPD. i wrote down the criteria for a diagnosis, and put a check next to every one i fit into with specific notes of how and why i felt i checked that category. chronic feelings of emptiness? check. emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events? check. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment? check. unstable self-image/sense of self? double and triple check. impulsive and damaging behavior in regards to spending/sex/substance use/reckless driving/binge eating? i did all of those things, where only 2 were required to hit this bullet point. quadruple check. anger? checkity check check. unstable interpersonal relationships? fucking check. suicidal behavior/threats? check. paranoid ideation/dissociative symptoms? check. i hit all 9 of these and it "only" requires 5 to hit the diagnosis. so for me, i knew i had it because like you, nothing else made this much sense.

and you know what? i fucking hated it. i got angry at myself for being so fucking broken that my personality had apparently shattered somewhere in early childhood due to my trauma and left me with a gaping, angry hole that i had constantly tried to fill with something, anything. i was beyond angry, i was seething with rage. why did it have to be fucking me? why? i still grapple with "why me?" on the daily with my BPD. i didn't want BPD to be what made sense, but it did. and while i am still incredibly fucking angry with my diagnosis, i've also reached a level of resignation about it. almost a sense of radical acceptance.

my advice is gonna sound fucking stupid because i know how hard much of it is to do and a lot of it takes serious introspection, patience, and kindness (to yourself). my advice would be to truly try to practice self-compassion, self-love - when what you want to do is beat yourself up internally over anything - having BPD in the first place (hell, even thinking you have BPD in the first place), or something you did/said in reactionary anger/rage/sadness/impulsiveness, something you didn't do - anytime you want to emotionally flay yourself over this, the best advice i can give you is to practice the skill of forgiving yourself. of giving yourself compassion to learn and grow as a human who is struggling with something very difficult to live with.

and i'm going to be upfront with you - most times, you will fail. you will not give yourself the compassion, love, and kindness you truly deserve. it's hard to break the cycle of self-rage, hard to convince yourself that you're worth recovery, worth getting better, worth learning to live with BPD and all it entails. but there WILL be times where you catch yourself in moments of compassion and acceptance. they might be few and far between, and they might not feel like much at first, but with time and practice, you will notice moments that you are less critical of yourself and your perceived failures relating to BPD.

for instance - i've been in DBT for a few months now. some of it really doesn't help me specifically (some "action steps" just don't work), but there's a few things that have been pivotal to my growth and have helped. one of those being the not-so-simple act of radical acceptance. of forgiveness. of understanding that you are not the worst person to ever walk the face of this earth, no matter how much your brain will try and try and try to convince you that you are. i have caught a few very very very SMALL moments where i've internally said to myself "well, it's okay that i failed there" or "alright, so i didn't do XYZ, i'll move on and do better next time" instead of beating myself up emotionally/internally over it. and the first time i noticed that happened, a tiny light bulb went off in my head. it was weeks and weeks into my DBT, where i felt i wasn't seeing any changes in myself. but that one, tiny instance where i showed myself compassion? it gave me a faint spark of hope that maybe BPD isn't the death sentence i so often feel it is. and i still do, in a lot of ways, and i'm working to try to manage and cope better, but it's not smooth sailing and more often than not, i am being mean to myself, or unforgiving. but my advice is to try to be aware of those moments, whenever they may come, where you can sense yourself forgiving yourself or being nicer to yourself than you otherwise might have been.

i'm not gonna bullshit you and act like learning to live with BPD is a walk in the park, or that somehow after DBT (should you choose to ever go that route) will result in you being "cured" or "fixed" - at least in terms of DBT, it's not a cure so much as it is trying to instill new habits and coping skills that you will strengthen by repeated use and practice. (and remember, practicing a skill still counts even if you fail to correctly use that skill. practice does not mean you always do things right/correct, it simply means you tried.)

again, it's okay to be scared. please allow yourself to feel that emotion. but leave room for that fear to dissipate at times, leave room to challenge that fear on occasion.

most of all, allow yourself to be. however you feel isn't bad. emotions are messengers, so next time you're angry, ask yourself: what is my anger trying to tell me in this moment? if you're sad, ask yourself: what is my sadness trying to convey? with repeated practice, perhaps you can identify triggers for certain emotions.

practice observing how you're feeling physically in your body, and remember that emotions are not facts. and remember that emotions will come and go, no matter how much your brain will convince you they won't.

that's all i've got for you now, but to you and anyone else who made it this far down - my inbox is always, always open, for anyone and anything. you don't have to be alone. we can be alone together, and i'm just a message away.

#borderline personality problems #borderline problems #borderline tag #borderline thoughts #bpd #bpd blog #bpd life #bpd thoughts #living with borderline #bpd feels #bpd stuff #bpd mood #actually bpd #bpd tag #bpd things #bpd vent #living with bpd

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mixed-not-confused · 8 months

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- But... you're mixed, right?

- How come you speak English so well?

I'm 40 years old, and I don't recall a year of my life I haven't been asked either one of those questions within minutes of new-acquaintance-chitchat and the obligatory "So, where are you from?"

Or, well, I'm lying. When I was a kid, I thought it was appropriate to take a deep breath and answer with all the details.

1999 in Hanoi, Vietnam, was the last time and place I volunteered my full introduction: "I'm half Thai and half Finnish, but I grew up in Ethiopia, Zambia and Kazakhstan." It's also the last time I went to an international school.

At an international school, that introduction still fits in a neat pigeon hole. It doesn't confuse anyone, and it is not followed up with this question:

- So where do you consider home?

I'll save the rant on how much I hate that question and why for another day, and instead, counter with my own question:

WHY is it important to you that I should have an answer to that?

Unless you also grew up like I did, perhaps you are shaking your head now, feeling sadness / confusion / disbelief at my rootlessness. But you know, I never felt it was a problem. In fact, I've always felt that it is a strength.

For many, that is really difficult to comprehend, and I'd rather spare myself the same arguments. So, after 1999, I've simply answered "Where are you from?" with "I'm from Thailand.*"

It's the closest I have to a simple answer.

And yes, if I answer like that, it often gets me the two questions I started this post with.**

If a person has left out some details in their introduction, maybe there is a reason for it. And no, you are not entitled to hear those reasons right after hello, simply because you were unable to pigeonhole that person.

Why? Because your pigeonholes probably reflect some dominant culture norms. So, what you are doing, when you ask those questions, is you are 'othering' someone, and revealing your unconscious biases.

Believe me, it wasn't the first time that month, week, or even day that the person has been reminded they don't belong.

Though my personal experience is mostly related to race and nationality, this applies equally to other identities, such as gender and sexual identity, disability, social class, etc.

Accept who people say they are. It's unlikely that you have better knowledge of their narrative and reasoning.

*Apart from being one of my passport countries, Thailand happens to be a natural habitat of the orchid, a plant that thrives without putting its roots in the ground.

**If you start our journey with those questions, then we are probably not going to be friends. This is also a topic I promise to rant about in another post.

#bias #mixed race #othering #third culture kid

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wicca-foxes · 2 years

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Tools of witchcraft (and how to simplify it for stealthness too!)

In witchcraft there are a few toold that can be used to aid in the rituals we do. These tools might be obligatory for some nieche rituals or for some covens, yet are optional for 99% of the craft. I'm going to cover the crafting process of them, and also cheap and unassuming items you can use instead.

✨ =the broom= ✨

Basics: This tools main purpose is to clean and clense bad energies. It is sacred to both the God and Goddess, it's associated with the element of water. To use the broom, you don't need to actually sweep the floors with it, swipe the air with the intent to clean the energies in the air. Depending on where you are, a sturdier/well build broom can be used for cleaning (for example- outdoor areas).

Stealth and simplicity: For a beginner, any small broom can do. I personally use a thicker square-base paintbrush (think of the ones Bob Ross frequently used), it serves the purpose and I can still use it for both painting and witchcraft. For a stealthier broom, a smaller, regular sized brush will do. I will recommend nr. 8 or nr. 10 for the stealth build as they're a little thick. Make sure it is clean!

Another tip for stealthly witches: you can get small cardboard boxes or metalic ones to serve as a mobile altar/witch kit, and trim your brush to that specific size. Use a pencil sharpener to trim your brush to fit your witch kit, and sand down the tip to not be pointy. If you have a roughed up file, you can use that instead. Don't attempt to break the brush with your hands or to use a scrissor as it doesn't cut clean and you risk injury - speaking from experience.

Crafting: To craft a broom you would need to consider the size of the broom you want to make. Pine needles or tall grass can be dried in the sun, these will be our bristles for a smaller sized broom. For a bigger broom you'd want to collect twigs, prefferably ones that fallen down on their own and also collected from various places as they need to decompose and re-enter the carbon chain. The grass and pine needles need to be cleaned first, prepare in a bucket some water, add half a cup of vinegar and a bit of dish soap. Give them a nice brush and scrub, and if you'd like, leave them in the cleaning mixture overnight. Let them dry and group them in 3-5 groups. If you chose small grass, trim them in such way to get a lot of room to work with.

If you chose branches, you'll want to clean them in the same way, if you wish your bristles to be without bark, you will need to fill the bucket with boiling water. Put the branches in and leave them to steep until the water is warm enough so you can stay with your hands in it. The hot water should make it easier to peel away the bark, if it doesn't come all off, repeat the boiling bath. Please be mindful to not hurt yourself, also if possible, collect the bark, dry it with the branches, then scatter it in nature. After cleaning and drying your twigs you should be good to go!

Now we need to get a sturdier branch, if possible one that fell from a tree. 2-3 cm in diameter should be enough for the pine needles/grass broom, a bigger branch is needed if your broom is full sized. When you got your handle branch, cut away the offshoot branches, and trim to preffered size. For a small broom, you'd want to take into consideration the width of your palm and add a little bit of room to it, for a full broom you need to measure the distance from your chin to your feet and that should be enough room to work with. After trimming your handle, offer it a hot bath for an hour. If you have a bath, leave it with the steam too, the more time the bath can stay warmer the better. Remove the bark carefully, then dry the handle for at least 3 days.

You should have now the following: your bristles (grass, pine needles or twigs) and your handle (twig or big branch). Now is the time to consider if you want to carve runes into the handle, and/or if you want to sand the handle, maybe add some lacquer for a smoother finish. Prepare your handle according to possibilities and prefferences.

Merging your bristles and handle should be easier for smaller brooms. With a cutter, mark a circle near the end of your future broom, make a channel along that line, careful to not cut yourself or to break the handle. Measure 2 fingers above the first channel, make another one, then a 3rd one. Take your groups of bristles and some cotton string/rope. You're going to tie them to the handle more times, going clockwise and anti-clockwise at least 3 times to secure it, you're going to tighten the rope among the first channel you made. Repeat for the rest of the channels and groups you have. For the bigger broom, the channels can be deeper and more loops of rope can be used.

Congratulation! You should have your very own crafted broom now. Made by your own hands, with the devotion for the craft and/or faith you hold. For sure it is a fun project to do by your own, or if possible with a coven as a "teambuilding" exercise. Thus said, if you already have a reliable alternative (as mentioned, small duster broom, paintbrush, even make-up brush) you shouldn't be pressured to craft your own or buy one for this purpose specifically. Anything that you use is enough, as the place of mind and dedication matters most.

#witchblr #paganblr #simple witchcraft #baby witch #wiccan #wiccablr #wicca #witchcraft #green witch #eclectic pagan #green wicca

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